TIFU by not watering my tomatoes and underestimating physics

The wasp preferred melons?

Too funny! Waiting for the sushi story

Yes, I loled. Thank you for the most wholesome, truly TIFU I've seen in quite some time!

(As in, TODAY this happened!)

This is a relatable story. If it had been me there would be no doubt among the construction workers as to why my tits were swaying in the wind because I would be screaming bloody murder.

Like the time I was gardening on my porch and bird decided my (luckily voluminous) hair was a threat to its nest and decided to attack my head.

Or the time I heard a squirrel falling above my head and screamed and then it fell to the ground a foot in front of me and I screamed some more.

Basically the construction workers would be able to infer the issue. I've never been stung so the fear runs deep due to my imagination.

I laughed so hard at this! You have a gift for writing, I hope your tomatoes make up for your trouble

Am I the only one who feels like a lot of these are written by the same person? Like the same jokes and type of "funny words" (like 'black hole for bad luck' and stuff like that). Maybe it's just a ton of people who have the same writing style or maybe they're all trying to copy the same style that they know Reddit likes. Anyone else notice this?

LOL, I don't know if you've seen Ever After (Drew Barrymore movie) but I could totally imagine you just very calmly smoothing out your hair and softy saying to those construction workers... "There was a bee."

I just flashed those poor men

Those poor men indeed.

Has any woman ever referred to her own boobs as “fun bags”?

Me at the title and first few sentences: "Hey this one sounds real! It's not filled with shitty wordplay and sexual organs."

The post immediately after:

Small aside: I have more cleavage-related woes than any other two women I know. It is a black hole for bad luck. And on one memorable occasion, sushi from across a crowded restaurant. A TALE FOR LATER.

Oh ok nevermind I guess.

This sub is really just people flexing their writting skill huh

But what happened to the tomato?

For a moment there I actually thought this was a true story about not softcore porn... (Edit: but then I saw this was tifu so it checks out.)

This just sounds like a guy writing women “fun bags”?

Well, you mentioned tits. To the front page you go. God this sub is terrible.

Oh hunny do I have a story for you.

I was out at the barn doing things in the hot barn and decided to take off my shirt and throw it on the trailer to work in my old, ratty see thru tank top for awhile.

Get ready to leave, grab the shirt and throw it onto the truck seat next to me. Head through town and realize I need to stop at our pharmacy which is on the corner of main and market street in town. Park on the side of the road, almost get out in my translucent tank top, which would have been MUCHO embarrassing so I grab my shirt and throw it on quick. I step out side of my truck and notice traffic is stopped both ways - weird - then immediately notice the HUGE FUCKING SPIDER ON MY SHOULDER OF MY SHIRT.

Normal people would swat it away. In my panic, I wretch the sleeve of my shirt away from my face and quickly take it off and proceed to beat it against the side of my truck. My heart is beating so fast I can hear sirens.

Until I realize the sirens are real because the fire trucks are leaving from the fire house the next block over, I am standing there shirtless beating said missing shirt on the side of my truck while traffic is stopped in all directions due to the fire truck.

I couldn’t leave because traffic had my truck blocked so I had to inspect and re-put on my shirt and walk into the pharmacy like I wasn’t late picking up my psych meds.

You only have one solution left since you can never go out again and want to save the tree

Water gun amazon same day delivery shooting from your window. That’s your life now!

Also reddit law clearly states that if you hint at a boob story (and reddit jurisprudence has shown that this applies EVEN within another reddit boob story) you can not postpone it. We need the sushi story and we need it now!

Read it as 'there's a wasp in my boobs!' a la Woody from Toy Story

Titties reddit, titties! With cleavage! Is this the most upvotes we can scrounge for this WOMAN with TITTIES?

Also, tomatoes in 90 degree weather do not need water twice a day. Mine get water every 3 to 4 days. They actually quite like a good scorching.

What a ride this post was. You gotta update us on how those tomatoes tasted ╰(´︶`)╯♡

As a construction worker, any boobs are good boobs

Fiction.

r/fuckwasps

Is this to circumvent the nsfw posts rule?

why do i feel like a horny 13 year old boy made this post and not an actual woman

This is a very obvious creative writing exercise. I clicked cause it didn't have the usual NSFW but how unexpected - there are BOOBIES. People got FLASHED. Oh my goooood. How titillating. Oh and there's even a story hook with the sushi part so OP can show off their writing skills more. Seriously how does anyone believe these?

Trust me, the construction workers were not victims in anyway in this situation because ;

1) Hilarity

2) Boobs

Source : am construction worker

That was a more complicated read than the Kennedy assassination magic bullet scenario.

That TLDR was not very good as a short explanation. Or English.

Where is the "not watering tomatoes" part?

This is peak reddit, good lord.

TIFU by having a BIG BOOB and HOT SEXY SEX and SEX

fuck this sub

Holy fuck that was like a tower of words build perfectly

Small aside: I have more cleavage-related woes than any other two women I know. It is a black hole for bad luck. And on one memorable occasion, sushi from across a crowded restaurant. A TALE FOR LATER.

I received cross-grill decolletage shrimp in Fujiyama's once, though I think they were aiming for my mouth.

I love the way you write!

As someone else with too much reddish hair and black hole bosoms.. Oh my god. This sounds like a day in my life, and im glad you escaped with.. minimal damage.

That was fucking hilarious! You have a great way of telling a story. And because I can relate so much to every move you made, I laughed harder. Thank you. I needed that.

Fun fact: if you top your tomato plant(cut the main stem off like a haircut) at about 3 levels of outward stems you will produce more larger tomatoes that rippen faster and more evenly and have a more manageable plant. https://homeguides.sfgate.com/cut-off-tomato-plant-tops-35718.html

I would be scarred for life. Scarred. For. Life. Lol. A good watering at night is great for plants as it can absorb more before the sun comes out and starts evaporating it.

This was a fun read. You have a very unique descriptive writing style. It makes things enjoyable to read and helps construct the picture of the story in ones mind.

I hope you write for a living. This is the best thing I've read in a long time! I've been staring at my computer screen all day trying to write good copy for my website....I sincerely wish I had your literary talent!

Honestly, despite the awkwardness of being seen freaking out like that, you handled it pretty well. I probably would have tried to reach for gardening sheers to cut the wasp out of my hair, and or freaked the fuck out and gotten stung

I have a maxim for my girl parts: When it comes to things trapped in hair and boobs, spazzing always makes it worse. Calm, deliberate movements are key. There is time for heebie jeebie wiggles and crying when the coast is clear.

A wasp got into my apartment once and kept disappearing when my boyfriend went to catch it. So for two weeks, I confined myself to my bedroom with a towel tucked under the door because not even a wasp will make me wear pants in my own home.

I saw the picture first and then read the story, thought that tomato looks like a banana and banana tress look nothing like that! Well done on fighting the spawn of hell. As my kid says, what is the point of wasps and mosquitoes?

Girl...last summer I was working in my garden and was attacked by a gang of these fuckers. I ended up stripping to my panties and nothing else in my backyard only to look up and see my neighbors staring at me like I’m a fool and a half.

Is it just me or was or was I the only one not interested in a pic of her plants.. just saying..

that is, by far, the funniest shit I’ve heard all day! Very well explained!!

These dear penthouse letters have become a shell of their former selves.

Pro tipp for growing tomatoes: you should remove the sprouts that grow from the axels of the leaves on the main sprout. That will make the plant stronger and the fruits bigger. Also you most likely won't have to water them twice a day because the plant now only has to support one strong main sprout. :o)

At first I was like “oh look, a TIFU that doesn’t involve some sexual situation or topic! Let’s read it.”

“Cleavage wasp” and “titty” in the tl;dr. Yep. Moving on, then. Just par for the course at this point.

TIFU BIG BOOB TITTY FALL WASP TITTY.

Give me karma

Am I the only one here who, for once, wants to see those humongous tomatoes instead of boobies?

Sounds like a fever dream to me...

with leaning forward middle-aged dangle boobs.

To paraphrase comedian Ron White, "Once you've seen one pair of boobs, you want to see all the rest..."

One time a wasp landed on my sandwich when I was eating outside and I threw the sandwich to the ground and screamed "Fine, take it, you fucker!" (the wasp was the last straw in a very long, very difficult day) right out loud. Nobody saw the wasp so they thought I was just throwing my lunch at the ground and screaming at the concrete.

That TL:dr had my head spinning. I had to read the whole thing.

Wanna bet three construction workers will be out there tomorrow, watching your garden?

I HAVE A WASP IN MY BOOBS

thank you, tis is the funniest quote i've heard all day

That was hilarious, I'm glad everything worked out relatively okay - at least they didn't see you get stung

In love with your story telling skills and I laughed out loud twice, which is more than I've done all week. Thank you!

You wrote "poor men" but as a man rest assured you made their week.

You need to cut the tippy-top off that 'mater plant. They will get all stalk, no fruit. And use a good 10-10-10 fertilizer.

This reminds me of when I was mowing and a wasp flew up my shorts. All my sports journalist neighbor and his sweet wife from their front porch saw... was me screaming a primordial yell of ancient terror. Then ripping off my cargo shorts and boxers, and porky-pigging it at a sprint into my house, slapping at my crotch the whole way to safety.

...can we get married?

Alright, I admit, you made me exhale quickly through my nose. But, having read this whole story, I find myself strangely attracted to one sentence:

And on one memorable occasion, sushi from across a crowded restaurant. A TALE FOR LATER.

It's fucking later now, we're all ears.

Do you remember what the wasp looked like? If it was on your tomatoes it may have been a parasitic wasp looking for bad bugs. Have you seen any large green worms with a red "hook" on their tail? If so they are tomatoe hook worms and will eat your plant. If you see any with what looks like rice coming out of their back congratulations you got parasitic wasps and they will help defend your garden from soft bodied bad bugs.

This is a well crafted story. Thank you.

As a person who has been stung by a wasp on the back of my head before, my anxiety levels went through the roof reading this lmao

Pennants in the wind. I like that. I'm at "pancakes" right now.

Best TL;DR ive ever read!! Thank you so much for sharing!

Thank you for not saying Centrifugal force.

Great story !!! Thanks for the laugh.

I've never seen a tank top with cleavage before.

Been there. Now my 🍅 are tied to a net

You are hysterical! Where can I buy your book?

Middle aged dangle boobs is so relatable and it makes me sad.

Bahahahaha, thank you, that was a fun read.
Greetings of solidarity from a fellow cleavage-black-hole-posessing tomato-garder.

You must have started typing immediately, that is a very verbose description!

Jokes aside this is pretty well written

You are they conqueror! I'm super impressed you managed not to get stung. Strong work!

I dont think construction workers are often too picky to have not been quite ok with what they saw.

LEGEND

Wow! Incredible tale

So, Tommy Boy level "BEES" ?

A layer of mulch will help you need to water less! Also trim some of the lowest foliage off

Tits and GTFO

"Centripetal force." Thank you for using the real force and not the imaginary one!

This was a good read. Thank you

Please do tell us about the 🍣

That’s is the best tl;dr I’ve read

Not the most flattering angle.

Did you ask those poor men for a second opinion?

At least the tomato is okay

You are a talented writer. Thank you for making me laugh :D

I read your tldr, it didn't make any sense, so I had to read your story. Nice story, Good for you to get not-stung.

this made me laugh like hell. you should be a comedy writer, i love your style!

I love your creative writing!

You are so brave. I have panic attacks if I see wasps too close (not a joke), and this story just makes me feel really uncomfortable. I hope one day I will have at least half of your courage.

Outstanding prose.

Did I mention that I'm terrified of anything that flies and stings?! I'd be shrieking like a little girl! I admire your calmness!

Please take my upvote!

The way you tell stories is just, incredible. Thank you for this.

You write stories really well!

“Black hole of bad luck...” LOVE this and will be forever referring to my cleavage as such. Thank you!

There is something I absolutely love about your writing style that I cant put my finger on but I'd easily read anything you wrote. Seriously consider taking up writing as a profession.

Edit: also, this story is wildly hilarious, although my uptight co-workers do not appreciate all of my loud laughter.

I totally thought this was going to be a story about tomatoes. Excellent plot twist. Lol.

Nicely phrased. Gave me a giggle!

what a roller coaster of emotions!

amazing story, and that top sounds cute. but maybe garden in something long sleeved from now on XD

Great writing. Also you’re forsure good to go back outside and water your tomatoes

I have more cleavage-related woes than any other two women I know. It is a black hole . . .

r/ConfusedBoners

Definitely didn't go the way I thought. Was an exciting read!

You should have yelled outside in a frantic voice "watch out for wasps" and they probably would have thought it was funny while saving some face.

You’re a hell of a writer, OP.

I love this so much! You are an excellent writer!

But.. Where is the story about tomatoes, i wanted tomato fuck up.. i am sad now

You spin your words beautifully! I was disappointed to see how little post content shows up in your history.

you should write a book.

I have to catch a glimpse of these warlocks.

I'm like, incredibly impressed you didn't end up getting stung a thousand times.

LOL both stories made me laugh but I do feel like some of your cleavage issues could be resolved by simply wearing a bra

Did anyone else sing pennants in the wind to Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band's against the wind? Because I did and I can't stop.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, both stories are oh my god funny and I definitely understand all of this.

Edit to add: both would be r/bigboobprodlems. A group that understand gravity related boob issues..

Red hair, green top, gardening hard. I had rather thought of a bat attacking u than a wasp!

One of the best, if not the best, tl;drs I've ever seen. Bravo.

Your writing style is excellent, turning the mundane into an exciting vingette. PLEASE keep writing.

Have you noticed that your red hair attracts wasps?? They seem to love mine, I got a nice sting from a wasp on my neck that was hanging out on one of my pigtails when I was a teenager.

what a great TIFU!

Maybe it was just me but the way the story was written I did not feel as though a woman actually wrote it. Especially when it got down to some points of the story like describing her beasts as fun bags.

Not that woman can't describe their beasts as fun bags but to me, that felt much more like something either a 12-year-old boy or a very immature man would write and this is coming from a dude who's been around a lot of immaturities.

I mean the OP uses the phrase semaphore. If that is what they decided to use to describe their wasp dance you would probably expect something more than fun bags when describing their breasts. The way the story was written it just struck me as odd.

This was great. Thanks for sharing. Lmfao. I’m glad you didn’t get stung. Sounds like a win to me. And hey, boobs are boobs. They may have enjoyed it more than you think.

Sorry to say but if your breaking your back gardening your doing it wrong.

Also your writing style is pretty edgy.

I laughed through the majority of this post! Well done!!

Leaning forward dangle boobs are one of my favorite boob position. Lucky construction dudes...

As the chairwoman of the Biggie Titty Committee and being allergic to stings, I commend thee on your performance and prose.

What is meant by "two women" here? Are you two women?

I’d like to hear more of the misadventures of the boobs

Omfg. Thanks for this story. Made my day.

Excellent writing. You have a talent

How annoying that there is now a reddit writing style

I've never seen the word semaphore used outside programming. Apparently, it's basically a flag alphabet, and makes this TLDR way better for visualization.

Do yourself and your tomatoes a favor and go water them. After having witnessed that show they might need a drink.

A++++ storytelling. Thank you for this and the sushi story.

I am genuinely crying. Thank you, I needed this laugh!

Tell us the sushi story

Why do you think they're building a fence? lol

Alie Ward is it you?

For real tho, this has a solid DadWard vibe (from the podcast Ologies) down to the mass of red hair and the short aside. if you liked the tone of this and also like learning cool shit, check the podcast out.

"Titty semaphore"

The wasp saw your two bee stings and felt bad for you maybe?

jk, glad you came out of the ordeal unscathed (physically, at least!).

The laugh I just had reading that was the happiest I’ve felt in three months. Can you please write a book which I can then read over and over again?

Just as an fyi, if you reduce watering to once a week while the plants are small, you will encourage deeper root growth. Watering twice a day is wild.

Redhead: +1 Wasp: 0 Social Standing: -1

Don’t water the tomato plants too much, of the tomatoes will burst open.

this was highly entertaining. if you’re not a writer, please become one

Such descriptive writing

I laughed so hard at this! Thank you!

10/10 would read again

Poetic.

I worked from the title that tomatoes were going to be harmed!

And... Hooray for boobies!

Semaphore. Hm. Learned a new word today

Eh don’t sweat it if anything it gave them something to talk about for the rest of the day 😂

Is Onyx the Fortuitous related to you? Your storytelling sounds like what he aspires to be. Absolutely brilliant! 👨🏻‍🍳👌🏻

Great story!

This is poetry

I had a wasp fly up my pants while I was gardening once. Fun stuff, I tell ya’

MURDER HORNETS!!!!

One time I was meeting a friend at a cabin in the mountains and I didn’t know how to get there so he was going to meet me at a gas station in town so I could follow him to the cabin. I waited for him for about 5 minutes, then a wasp flew down my shirt. I of course decided to just TAKE MY SHIRT OFF next to a busy highway.... so I’m jumping around in my bra waving my shirt around right as my friend pulled up. I’m sure I amused many people that day.

Okay I need you to write a book. This was so fun to read

"fluttering like pennants in the wind"

I'm fucking dead

Oh my God what a rollercoaster! I was so worried the tomato was going to be prematurely detached from it's life giving stem before it reaches its full Glory. So glad it made it out of that!

you're a great storyteller! i was intrigued the whole time.

Need more stories! You write hilariously!

This is the best thing I think I've ever read.

Your stories made me laugh for the first time today! You have a gift. Keep writing!!

Why do you have to water twice a day what type of soil are you in?

most years I only have to water my tomatoes a handful of times after they've been transplanted and then they ride the rest of the year out without hardly any supplemental water. I might go in and water on super hot days in August when we haven't gotten much rain.

This was hilarious! You're a great writer!

Never. Underestimate. Physics.

If you trim the tomatoes so that they stay around 4/5 feet you can get more tomatoes because the plant will focus more on the tomatoes then growing

Thank you for your service, and these well-written, hilarious stories!

Honestly this is probably the best TIFU post I've ever read. You sure know how to tell a fantastic story, I laughed so hard my ribs hurt now. Wish I could upvote this like 20 times imo

You need to write a book ASAP!

Ok i need to see pics to know that they are really that big and I do mean the tomato plants.

​

I have been gardening this year and planted tomatoes and they have grown far beyond the size i wanted but no where near the 6 feet you have but the season is early and they were a bit stunted since i grew them inside to start.

10/10 writing 😹

I always like reading these posts, but this has gotta be the best one I’ve read so far!

"yet, I sense, cooperation would not be possible" had me dead, great story

Ok so I’ve seen 2 stories in here and I NEED MORE 🤣🤣

As a guy who's growing out his hair, this story has made me paranoid of getting wasp stuck in it. How often does this happen?

r/fuckwasps

Cleavage really can be a black hole.

In high school, I once lost a ring. No idea how, I never took it off when I wasn't home and it wasn't loose on my finger, I just happened to notice at the end of the day that it was missing and I panicked and tore apart my whole house looking for it.

My friend - who was not really busty - called me later that night to tell me she found my ring. It fell out of her bra when she went to change for the night. I only saw her at lunch that day and somehow, without either of us noticing, it must have fallen off my finger and down her shirt. It was not a tiny ring by any means. I have no idea how in the world things lined up for it to just fall off my finger and end up in her bra with neither of us realizing for hours (I didn't notice the ring was gone until I got home).

I still think someone was fucking with me, though she is not the type to do that and any of my other friends would have owned up the next day. It's the one true unexplained mystery in my life.

You better have ate that sushi! That's a power move right there.

Damn lady, that was well-written!

I love this story. it's told very well

I empathize with the boob black hole!!! My friends call my cleavage a gravity well. Anything thrown or falling gets sucked in!

One more benefit of bouncy boobs.

Tomatoes actually do not need much water and at least sounds like you may be over watering them. If they begin to crack and scar, ease up! Funny story too!

Curious about the size of these “monster” tomatoes. And these “middle aged dangle boobs” 😂

This was a gift to read! You're a talented writer.

I accidentally revealed myself to my next door neibour's kid this morning. I was kicking a beach ball back over the fence and there was less give in my shorts than I'd allowed for.

However, I won't do a TIFU about it because I can't be arsed to turn it into a short(ish) story with childish synonyms for my genitals.

I'm sure others have mentioned this, but regardless of what you think about your appearance, the portion of the population who likes to see a redhead toss her hair around and entertain spectators with her cleavage is... uh... basically all people attracted to women.

Don't be self-conscious. Your story is awesome. Trust me, they were not at all mortified. They probably want to know if you date.

How deep does a cleavage to be considered as a blackhole? Or is it that all cleavages are considered as blackholes?

Just so you know, the construction workers day was made better by your incident. All boobs are good. Especially unexpected boobs. I'm glad you didn't get stung.

This is one of the most well-written and entertaining tifus in awhile. Honestly Steven king level stuff (maybe a different genre tho)

500 comments, 22k upvotes, and no one has asked for pics to confirm? Come on Reddit, do better.

I want pics of the notorious tomato plant!

The way you write is so full of interesting diction and humor, you should think about writing a book!!!

You have a wonderful way of writing a novel. Maybe you are a soon-to-be writer. I enjoyed that story quite a lot. Keep at it.

Are you related to David Sedaris? Lol great story

This is the best! Lol. You are a riot!

Yo is that a banana?

Just waiting for Taika Waititi to make a full length movie from this single event

If you want more tomatoes, you need to plant a lot more flowers to attract pollinators or pollinate by hand

Jesus Christ what a ride

I laughed so hard at my desk that I almost broke a rib. I think we may be soul sisters. I, too, have had many an insect-related moment of embarrassment. Your sense of humor is wonderful. Have a nice day!

Dont worry. But you are whole, and the tomatoes are watered :)

This was hilarious. Why is physics such an uncooperative beast at such critical moments?

I'm glad you didn't get stung. Good luck with the tomatoes too.

I tip my hat to your writing skills, your sweater kittens and your dangle boobs.

I haven't read the story yet, but based on the title alone, I will not be disappointed.

Are you Charlie Dimmock? She was a gardener, she never wore a bra and had red long hair.

Fun

The story itself was funny but your storytelling skills made it hilarious, congratulations on your tomatoes

As a construction worker, that would be the best day ever.

You need to prune + train your plants

Great storytelling skills. Fun read!

Do you have a picture of boobs for more context?

Holy shit, I feel like you may be my clone, hair and clumsiness and lack of social skills. I did once catch a bee in my hair and entertained a whole camping crew trying to get it out.

You are hilarious! I’m dying! I’m taking a not-so-wild guess that you’re one of those people who have weird stuff happen to them more than occasionally. If so, please keep a collection of your writing and get it published! You are a great comedic writer.

This sounds so desperate wives-ish

“Fluttering like pennants in the wind.”

Perfect. Adding it to my tackle box.

This post made me spit out my water

Does that tomato look like a banana or is it just me?

I relate to this ordeal intimately. Wasps can fuck right off.

Great read , 5/7

That was such a great story! Your pacing, your jokes, amazing!

u/leahnardo , Great story, and super well told. Thanks for sharing. But I gotta say, you had me at the phrase "Covid Gardening". No amount of googling (I haven't tried) can explain that to someone not living through these times.

Really a nice read. No sting also means it was a victory over the wasp so thats something. Im also sure those construction workers didnt mind to much, they are simple men, they see boobs they (press) like

Oh, my god. I laughed. You have such a hilarious writing style! I'm glad you and the wasp escaped unharmed. I'm sure the construction workers will recover in time.

Best read this week!!

Sigh. This really just reeks of another made-up story to appeal to the horny teens that make up 80% of this sub. No woman I know has referred to her own boobs as “fun bags” nor have I ever heard that term used at all. And to top it all off, include a part where men were flashed by this crazy specific mishap. OP, I obviously can’t verify if this is true or not, but the writing style REEKS of the copycats just like it that flood this sub.

Thank you for this 🤣 i needed a good, hearty laugh today.

This has to be the best story I’ve read on Reddit. I usually scroll to tldr but you had me the whole time. You’re definitely part of a few conversations when those men got home lol

Lol titty semaphore!

Congratulations on your tomatoes! Apologies for your tomat-woes.

An adventurous tale. I wish to hear about the sushi next

Gotta get tomato updates

Great TIFU...But I want the sushi story! Please.

Hmm that did not go as I imagined it to start off.

Kudos for flashing your neighbours, my wife dropped a piece of just out of the wok hot sweet and sour pork down her boobs at the local Chinese.

The guy at the next table got whacked by his wife for watching my wife do the sweet and sour boob dance...

Ooh ooh ahh ahh...it’s hot...jiggle jiggle...ooh ooh ahh ahh...jiggle jiggle... you get the idea.

Btw wee helps your tomatoes grow...just a suggestion bc I have a feeling this seed of an idea might take root into another tifu.

This is hilarious, thank you for the laughs!

As someone who had a wasp trapped in my long-to-the-ass hair , I feel you bro.

Trust me the construction workers were not judging YOU.

This may be a strange question.. considering the entire ordeal.. but can we perhaps see this glorious tomato? As I am a gardener myself, I'm very curious as to what your plants produced..

Oh.. and I'm happy you got away unscathed..

Those construction workers had a good time.

Source: am construction worker

This is one of my fears... getting a wasp between my boobs. Massive respect for getting out unscratched!

As someone who usually reads the TLDR first and then goes back if it seems interesting, I have no clue what the fuck happened, just that it involves tomatoes, wasps, and tits probably

Should be a good read

This reads like my life. Holy shit.

I cut to the tldr and was like "cleavage wasp.... Cleavage wasp.. No I've never heard of that species."

You should probably be in the market for some determinate tomatoes if the work is that hard

I'ma need you to write a book.. or a blog.. honestly anything. I live your writing! This made my day!

Thank you. I just read this and the sushi story at the start of my shift and laughed so much the department all stopped and looked at me. Worth it tho!

Wow, very well written

My worst nightmare!! Curly hair chronicles

OP, do not underestimate the amazing taste of not only a garden-ripe tomato, but YOUR garden-ripe tomato. March out there this instant and water them before it's too late. Don't let the wasp win.

I read this in a narrators tone

hilarious story! great read! on another note, you are growing what is called indeterminate tomato plants. they won’t stop getting taller. perfectly acceptable to keep the tops cut off to a more reasonable height. you will get bigger and healthier tomatoes. :)

Tl:dr isn’t a place for you to be witty.

Pics please. Of the tomato that caused all this.

I read your TLDR like an old news bumper:

"Monster tomatoes lead to cleavage wasp; Titty semaphore not understood by baffled bystanders. Film at 11."

Your tomatoes should not be six feet high. Definitely need to look up pruning guides so as to maximize production of fruit.

Hey, for future reference, set up a drip irrigation system and a timer. You can buy both at home depot. You can set the irrigation timer to water twice a day. Then you just need to worry about weeds (and wasps)

Well those construction workers had a good day.

Tits and bugs.... Glad I'm not the only one. I have a scar on my right tit where a wasp managed to sneak in. I thought it was a toast crumb. More recently, I rescued a moth from being trampled in front of the grocery store.

I too do not wear bras..... I am in my late 30's and trying to fish out a moth out from my tits with an audience. It happens.

Your writing is fantastic and captivating. 10 for 10 need more stories.

You my friend, are an excellent storyteller! The read was as fun as the story…

Holy shit! This is beautifully well written and I choked on my drink.

My favorite part is that I expected one of the pics to be boobs but was thrilled to see tomatoes!! Yay growth, and YAY that growth isn’t a welt on your boobs! I 100% feel your pain in this matter.

Omg. This was a fantastic read! Glad you’re ok!

"Titty semaphore" is my third favourite phrase after "high fructose porn syrup" (Cursed Cleanup) and "my brain blue-screened" (How I met your scuba diver)

Edit: quotation marks for tiddie semaphore

You have a wonderful way of writing. 10/10 would read about the sushi

you write well. thanks for the laugh too.

Solid storytelling.

Oh my god this made me laugh SO HARD. SO relatable.

I have to say, your writing is amazing. Slice-of-life combined with a wonderful sense of humor.

Wasps are terrifying and you acted with more composure than I would have.

Boobs are a trap. (Source: have a pair and they have their own gravitational pull for unwanted stuff and/or people)

Don't let your tomato plant grow too much, vertically speaking, or you'll get less tomatoes and smaller ones too. If the plant uses all its energy to grow more leaves and branches in vertical, won't put it where you want it to, namely: tomatoes.
It obviously depends on the species of tomato and a lot of other factors, but this is my experience.

This was a fucking delight to read. I applaud you.

And as a woman I am glad your fun bags are safe and sound. I can only cringe at the tought of a sting right in the boobers.

You can't make this kind of stuff up

Anybody else reading "I HAVE A WASP IN MY BOOBS" In Woody's voice from Toy Story?

No? Ah well

This story made my morning, Whomever you are OP, I love you, stay fun, classy, and free of fun bag haters in yellow jackets

Women tell stories that are far too long

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I LOVE THIS, and how it's written! Very entertaining and I enjoyed your sushi story too. Hope you didn't hurt yourself on that little escapade you had there. Do you happen to write for a living (or even as a hobby)? I absolutely adore your writing style! :)

I swear, everyone on reddit is an amazing storyteller.

BEST READ EVER! You are an incredible storyteller, I LOLed so hard at both stories, my husband popped in with a weird look.

Please write more stuff!!!

How can anyone read this? Just write what happened you’re not a creative writing major.

this was a very interesting read, just glad the bee didn’t get ya

That was hilarious and well written. Love it! LOL

I am really frikking spheksophobic and oh boy, if this happened to me I would welcome a shotgun blast in the face like a bucket of cold water on a warm summer day

I love your writing style! It's really good. Also. This is one my worst fears 😭. Wasps in general, but especially something like this!

I love you. That's amazing.

Oh that is definately a win. And no matter what you say those guys will not be complaining. In fact I'm pretty sure you made them more popular with that story.

Fuck that’s funny. We need to be friends, lol. If it helps, this shit happens to me all the time. It could be a ginger thing...I’m not sure.

OMG !! I've never laughed 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣so hard and felt so bad 😔😔😔😔😔 for someone at the same time !!!

Next time you go to water your tomatoes, just smile and wave at those guys !! 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

LOL That is just divine story telling OP! I LOLed so loud that I woke my mother up (it's 8.30 am here in Brasil).

And OP, for real? They have seen breasts before.

Like a saying in my country: If you saw them, you are not going to care. And if you didn't, you don't know what those are anyways.

So, just water your tomatoes and don't mind the other people.

Kisses!

r/nonononoyes

If there's one thin you never underestimate it's physics. That shits loco man!

I'm a male and would run away from a wasp

Holy shit, you just might (MAYBE) be the only woman with worse luck/ lack of any type of natural grace than me. This reminds me of how my sister called me "Hooker Legs" for the majority of teens and 20s due in large part to my propensity for chaos and self inflicted accidents. Now in my 30s nothing has changed, I just don't speak to my sister anymore so she can't embarrass me in public anymore. That is evidently my job.

LMAOOO I LOVE THIS! Thanks for the laugh.

I was all ready to say, well at least you didn’t have to shake your boobs out in front of witnesses...

Well, maybe you can ride the high off of flashing your boobs to strangers until you inevitably crash into embarrassment. Unless what I said has already occurred.

That ending haha. And btw, theres no reason to be ashamed of what happened, so what that 3 random guys saw your boobs. No hard done right?

"and my tomatoes still need to be watered" was a great way to end that story haha

6 feet tall? That's amazing! Congrats on your first tomato

You’re my hero

I had anxiety reading this entire post and I don’t think I’m gonna be able to sleep now. Fuck wasps. Glad you remain unstung. Worth flashing a couple construction workers imo

My face would have been as red as a tomato

Oi OP!! What about them tomatoes then??

you didn’t even get stung! That’s so awesome! A wasp got into my trouser leg once, stabbed me right in the ankle. I thought I was dying!

P.S...love the way you wrote this!

Having read bith your TIFU's, all I can say is thank you for being a breath of fresh SFW air. This sub normally resembles the letters page of an adult magazine. It's nice to have a non sexual FU. Well, as no sexual as boobs can be. Good stories. :-))

You should just have squished the both melons together

This is by far the most entertaining post I’ve ready in quite a while, and I’m on plenty of NSFW subs.

" Fluttering like pennants in the wind "..... I felt that.

I wonder why this was so upvoted

This reads like fiction to me, not the content but the way it’s written. When I tell a story about something that happened to me I don’t include all of these unnecessary details. It would be like “I was attacked by a wasp while gardening today” and leave it at that.

Damn I think I just came a little bit.

Dude Take the tomato cages off and let those things be vines on the ground. They will.produce better fruit.

You’re a great story-teller, I enjoyed this and the sushi story a lot!

OP you are an excellent storyteller lol

You have a wonderfully entertaining writing style.

i got stuck at the phrase "covid gardening" 😆

I thought that banana was growing out of your tomato plant!

Congrats on the tomato! And not getting stung! I attempted to grow some salsa themed veggies a few years ago, but got tired of having nothing to show for it. So I gave it up. I stick to succulents now. I rarely water them and they’ve been alive for 4 years. Plus, no wasps.

Awesome story, seriously. And a good one to visualize. God I hate wasps.

Also, I think your camera is screwed, been playing with a laser or something ? Because of the lines in the pictures

I think the wasp might've been into you.

Thank you. I’ve been feeling so low lately and this was the first time I’ve truly laughed in weeks ❤️

That was such a beautiful read

wtf i meant the person actually wrote it really well

This made my day. Thank you for such a fun story. You should write more.

I think I love you. You’re hilarious. And people say (us) women aren’t funny ;)

If you don’t do stand up comedy, you NEED to do stand up comedy. This was fucking amazing! (Said the middle aged woman who also gardens bra-less)

This is the first time I've ever used the "follow" button on Reddit. Your story-telling is great :)

I had to look up what semaphore meant, and now I'm laughing...

This was an amazing story. I laughed out loud. And I especially enjoyed the TLDR.

10/10 would read about titty wasp again

the title is just friking awesome

I am so sorry that happened to you but you handled it like a champ ane your wit shines in your writing. Thank you for sharing.

I laughed.

AWAB.

Titty. Semaphore. Looooool

r/menwritingwomen

Skimmed, saw the word cleavage like 10 times, assessed the story isn't worthy of reading, wrote this comment.

Good strategy. Leave them wanting more.

Fun bags... lol it was clever

Edit- it not if

So yeah, I just flashed those poor men with leaning forward middle-aged dangle boobs.

I laughed so hard at this! And if it makes you feel better, those are my favorite kind of boobs.

Let’s see the boobs or it didn’t happen...

You're Gonna have to post visual evidence of said 'boobs'