Another mystery solved by Sexlock Holmes.

Ace: You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in northern Africa, and upon your return you more than likely took a nasty spill because of some... shotty masonry work.

Vincent Cadby: Very impressive... might I ask, how?

Ace: Surely... The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of 3 to 5 feet; the small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit: your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier was most likely purchased through the north African black market known to reside in Gotan.

Vincent Cadby: And my work habits?

Ace: Yes, a workaholic; the urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.

You are a perceptive devil, aren't you?

The fuck was in her panties that caused a thud?

Doppelgänger

This is some Dennis Reynolds level shit.

Hey if it's omaha he could also figure out what part of town based on skin color alone!

Meanwhile,

Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about...

You suggested they live in the Midwest (between Kansas and Ohio) and then surmised they live west of the Mississippi because they're mid western... The Mississippi runs right through the middle of the Midwest.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midwestern_United_States

Just a heads up. Nobody ever actually knows where the mid west is unless you lived there lol

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I read this with Hannibal Lector's voice.

Reminds of Dennis Reynolds trying to analyze the women on the plane in "The Gang Beats Boggs"

IM FROM THAT PLACE

This comment made the post even better. Definitely my favourite TH post now.

I read it with Eugene's charecter from the walking dead

That's some pretty hefty underwear.

I can't OMG you win

Fitting that he would be able to cross trace her home town, but not recognize the sound of panties hitting the floor.

https://youtu.be/OhgOOv4Kz0w

That's cool and all but panties don't make a "THUD" when they hit the floor though. She either shit herself or her cock ring fell off.

Thud? Did she shit her pants?

I can't believe you've done this

A thud? Had she shit herself?

Oh, ew... panties wouldn't make a 'thud' unless they were filled with something. Otherwise, spot on impression!

Tell me about the lambs Clarice

Laughing

When the comments are better than the OP

basically sebastian from black butler lol

The midwest is full of grumps.

Source: grew up in Midwest

Except that us here in Nebraska are more about the beef-producing nature of our state. MILK ALL THE WAY!!

Hilarious

erotic self-fiction

When I got to the sex parts I was pleasantly surprised though. I expected the usual "then the entire coffee shop started clapping."

It was nice to see someone so vividly describe what their favorite fun encounter would be with a stranger at a coffee shop. Rather than someone fictitiously describing how they would own someone with some social justice.

Found Dennis Reynolds' facebook.

It's what I do.

It's so turgid but they claim to be a writer.

This comment is so perfect.

Nobody would even read this fanfic because there's no m/m slash. He should write some of that if he wants more views.

I've done it before. And I've never turned around and shared it online as if it were real.

That's just called fiction

Better than what I was about to write. Upvoted ;)

This is what nice guys do when they realize crying about being nice guys isn't getting them anywhere.

$5 says this dude owns a fedora and tips it.

And he still doesn't get laid in his fiction

I'm a write it's what I do

well, he is a writer

Probably because you aren't actually a fan of your own life.

Dude who hasn't been there in high school?

Could you put together an album of these? I would love to get tips on how to become more cooler than James Bond!

But for real.. If you got more we wanna read em lol

This is the most thathappened that ever happened. Second the request to make an album of his greatest hits.

You need to post at least one every week. This guy is an untapped resource.

This looks like a toss up with /r/iamversmart

Please post moar

HOW DOES HE HAVE 69 LIKES ON THAT SHIT??

This is so embarrassing. How does no one say anything? This one is even worse than the last one. Those are the most generic bullet points imaginable about 20th century cinema.

His post went from /r/thatHappened to /r/cringe real quick. Write around "I'm a writer, that's what I do"

I know so much about sex that women always tell me I should just have it with myself.

Can we make up a pseudonym for this guy so we can know that it's a continuation of this series when we see a post?

More. More. We need more.

EDIT: Holy God I just read that one too how the fuck have you not died from exposure yet dfgsh;ioheipocsjo

EDIT2: JUST CAUSE HE'S HEARD OF IT HE SHOULD BE TEACHING IT??? NOTHING HE WAS SAYING EVEN MEANT ANYTHING OR MADE SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If he was so smart, he wouldn't have written "it's direct effect"

Regular person: "I was looking for a cinema course to audit."

"Writer:" "I called to find out...about a course...to take, if nothing else, purely on an audit basis."

Purely!

I genuinely appreciate self-absorbed "writers" who can't tell the difference between its and it's.

He belongs on r/iamverysmart

You could also easily post this in any of the cringe subs, this was one of the most painful things I've ever read.

[deleted]

Shitty Good Will Hunting

I don't think I've ever wanted to punch someone in the testicles as much as I do with this guy.

Lame ending. I expected a witty closing remark.

"I guess that's what I do."

Op plz bless us with the tales of this most learned and pussy-destroyerest wonder- renaissance man writer

Reading the op actually made me cringe

Not to be a verysmart but all those film theories and movements are covered in very simple undergrad classes. You learn about those in most film history courses and they're nothing to be bragging about. It's very basic film knowledge. It's like bragging about knowing simple psychology terms.

How that conversation would actually go:

Him: I'm loooking for a refresher course in film to take, if nothing else, purely on an audit basis.

Registrar: All our film classes start with FLM- in the catalog, and the way you talk makes me want to punch you in your cheetos-hole.

MORE I NEED MORE

I'm more surprised by the fact that he allegedly has a girlfriend. How old is this genius?

I love how that's literally the most basic ass film theory that he's pretended is super advanced. Pretty sure I learned about auteur theory when I was 16 lmao

Fuck those 69 people for enabling this shitty behaviour

I feel a Fedora growing out of my head each word I read

5 bags of popcorn for Hobbit 2

He claims to be a writer and misuses "it's" for "its". Lol

In his defense, he didn't lie about being a writer.

Gahhhh he's insufferable! Please post more.

Having taken an actual contemporary gloabal cinema class at one point (And cruised by with a cool C+), that "You should teach the class" bit would have made my professor break something. He worked his ass off as an adjunct making dirt pay, had the time of his life and was an absolute master of what he was teaching, establishing context and mindsets before each film or discussion. If this guy thinks anyone would have done anything other than roll their eyes at his flaunting the word "auteur" like every cinema studies freshman, he can fuck offff

Remind me! 72 hours.

tell him he's not that great of a writer, based on this post.

Jesus Christ he was made for this sub

This one seems more /r/IAmVerySmart. Still fantastic though.

How old is this guy? Is he an employed writer or does he just do this in his free time? Is he actually good looking? or does he just like to act like he is?

Does he really have a girlfriend??? I find it odd she wouldn't call him out on his nonsense.

Imagine we're all laughing at him for these stories but then go and hang out with him for a week and it turns out they're all actually true lol he just thinks it's normal

Please post them all!!!!

Oh god. Post the one about the kid and the cookie wizard I just read because this guy's profile is public. It's absolute gold.

/r/thatHappened and /r/Iamverysmart had a love affair and this person is the result.

We need more.

Is his name Sherlock Holmes?

What a tool.

This is pure gold. "I called a college and asked someone working there not getting paid enough if they had a course on very vague wordy terms. They told me they didn't understand."

Hes putting his writing skills and his ahem "perceptiveness" to good use.

69 people liked that

Does he ever get any comments questioning these stories or any "yeah...right"'s?

70 some-odd likes, how?

I replied, she said, he insinuated, we both laughed. Clearly.

Do you know this guy in real life? Like, I'm assuming he is a massive fan of Sherlock and is trying to be Benedict Cumberbatch, but I really want to know how he is in real life. I think it'd be funny to watch him try and act that way...or cringey.

I really can't be doin with this. Please someone convince me it's fake. :c

He's just described a single module contained in the first year of a BTEC Media course. Lmfao.

Maybe a person did say he should be teaching it but was being condescending because the guy is such a tool.

So there's that. You should post these to r/iamverysmart if you haven't already.

What's especially sad is that he clearly no real friends. Or maybe he did at one point, but they've all given up.

More OP pls

I mean, he is creative though, at least.

"So there's that" must be this guy's "and then everyone clapped."

The "emergence of the auteur" is some basic film studies guff he's picked up. Almost any course or book on film studies will cover or at least mention it.

So he just hung up? No class for him I guess

It's like he really wants to be Sherlock.

"Well, sir, we have a class called Classic Film, and one called Modern Film. You can take your pick of those because I'm not your goddamn sommelier."

Who are the people liking and loving this shit?

If he's an aspiring writer, it's likely just his form of practice.

Of course they seemed confused. "You just listed the most common schools of film theory that are taught at an introductioary level - what's your point?"

To be honest, he's a better writer than many wannabe fanfic writers out there.

Ah, the classic "Quote One Thing My Film Professor Said Once" as though you actually understand it when you clearly don't. Ugh.

What an a-hole.

is your friend literally brian from family guy? he talks like brian from family guy.

The course he would be referring to is goddamn Film 101, or, you know, any brief YouTube video about the history of film.

Don't listen to the selfish mods. Hoard these into a massive compilation and publish it as an ironic erotic short story book. There is so much untapped potential, you'll make millions.

That was physically painful.

Do you ever think he's just practicing his writing if he's a writer? Like a writing prompt that pops into his head?

Talk about public masturbation, jeez.

Lol! What a rich fantasy life he leads. I hope he puts it to good use and writes a novel

You've found a goldmine I fucking died, he's a shit author. That line about "I knew that I was right" is so out of place and ruins the flow of the already shit story.

What the fuck? That's all vocab from intro film courses. He doesn't know shit. I took 1 film class and he basically parroted the sylabus.

Honestly that one is pretty realistic, if you just assume the "it sounds like you should be teaching it" was said very sarcastically.

100% he masturbates with his own tears

Share these please please please

How the fuck do people like this exist.

hi fellow Phoenician!

this dude cracks me up on the regular with these posts. next time follow up with the brown mosey comments people made about wanting to take his film class and that it should be his next endeavor *eye roll

For some reason I thought the writer was a woman. It being a dude is extra gross.

If he is a writer he should know any way and anyway. They are not interchangeable.

You learn all of that in your first year of film studies, it's nothing a quick google couldn't reveal

Does he really have a girlfriend as he states in the story? If so, how on earth does she put up with that?

also he doesn't know anything much about rough sex, because, he got the marks pretty wrong :D

i dont wanna read it i believe it you omg no please

I cringed so hard I burst my haemorrhoids

Re that film thing? Fuck offffffff. You learn about that shit in first year uni or even last high school. God, what an annoying person.

Holy shit I'm fucking dead dude

Woah, that guy is on a whole different level. I can't even laugh about him anymore. The cringe makes me mad

What pains me is how many likes that guy gets. Holy shit does he sound pretentious.

I have to say, the way he capitalises his words is a dead giveaway for how he's not the super cultured "should be teaching a college class" he likes to think he is.

"Sir"

I'm dead

MY SIDES ARE INFINITE

This guy is so tragically hilarious. If we take this all to be 100% true; that poor receptionist who was more than likely being sarcastic after some smart-ass called up and gave her very little information that would help her to do her actually job. It was all lost lost on this Rainman/James Bond hybrid.

I can just picture him with that shit eating grin and the quick nose-inhale like 'yup, thats me!'

I have so many more of these

Sounds like someone has found a karma deposit to be mined over the next few months.

Are you sure he's no writing short stories.. Because he's a writer?

When your friends are imaginary, would you really have them write mean comments to you?

Yes, yes I would, actually.

Oh god... He will look back on these horrific posts in ten years and cringe...

You should post that one to /r/iamverysmart!

Just post 3 or 4 of them every week and keep this sub flush with good content

So there's that.

Wow. He's clearly read "How to be a pretentious tool" as well as all those other books. So very learned.

My local community college offered a Theater 7a course that covered all these topics. It's a dumbass level class that consists of watching famous movies and chatting about it. Free credit.

Fuck that guy, it's so bad I can't even enjoy it.

So a European Avant-garde film class then. Literally every film studies curriculum in the world includes that course.

What a good writer. Doesn't know the difference between "it's" and "its". What does he look like!?

I hope someone pointed out that he was talking to someone in the Admissions office, who doesn't know, doesn't want to know and doesn't give a shit about pre-neo-absurdist-whatever cinema. If this conversation even kind of happened, the confusion was mostly from "What the fuck course does this idiot want to take?".

What he described was essentially exactly what we covered in my A Level Film Studies class.

Where's our story for the day. ??

HE'S SUCH A BAD WRITER. His dialogue tags make me cringe.

TWENTY FIVE PEOPLE. I AM OBSESSED WITH HOW MUCH I HATE THIS MAN I'VE NEVER MET.

did he just tell that guy to eat cum

Oh for fucks sake.

"I laughed", "I smiled", "I cheered with a latte in hand and a smile". Every time he says something he's smiling. That's not creepy at all.

This is giving me bruises, I'm cringing so hard.

What color is the sky in his world?

This one really takes the cake. It's the perfect blend of thathappened, Iamverysmart, and total narcissism.

That guy is a cringe artist.

"Said the older man, putting sweet'n'low in his tea."

Thanks for that irrelevant detail. Really paints a picture with words.

Couldn't they just look at a clock to figure out what time it is? Why do they need to rely on a customer to know when they only have an hour left? I'm starting to think these stories aren't entirely true...

ET cum

Holy balls, I don't understand how this person exists

Boy he sure subscribes to the "said is dead" school of thought huh

YOU ARE A GENEROUS GOD

But seriously, I find this guy fascinating. I want to find him and study him like some kind of douchey new species of monkey

I'm in physical pain.

He watches both Sherlock and Lucifer! Step aside normies

i think i died

He writes like someone who's never read anything thinks people write

"Shiverbert Creepstein"

LOL

I need an anthology of this shit.

Ugh it hurts to read that!!! Holy hell.... I..I kinda want to see what he looks like :/ how does one like this survive in the wild??

Well, at the very least I believe he's a writer, considering he used the term grimaced as a reaction.

Fictional dialogue is the only place I've ever seen that word used, as well as used it myself.

My god. This guy needs to write a book about a day in the life of an edgelord.

I want to reach through the screen and poke this man very hard in the eye for being such a witless, self-unaware tool of a bastard.

R/iamverysmart would eat these up

Oh my goddddddd this guy is pure gold. Thathappened crossed with iamverysmart. If this were me in my teen years(could have been) , i would cringe so hard

He is Dan Brown and I claim my £5.

Name is visible, just sayin

I HATE HIM SO MUCH

These cant be real.....Or can they. I need more proof. Why are you using a throwaway in the first place?

I hate him, I've never met him, but I hate him, this guy is the worst person on the planet.

>shiverbert creepstein

Huehuehueh

Eat cum

This has to be satire. It's too good not to be.

Reading that made me ill

Almost as good as Ulysses

(I gave up on that book on page 3)

Stop. I can't take anymore

This man is one with the cringe.

It's like CSI Miami, but somehow even douchier.

These are god tier OP, keep 'em coming

lol I misread that as "eat cum"

So... he watched Lucifer on FOX, and is now impersonating the main character.

The closest I've come to an encounter like this is the guy at subway reminding me it was Good Friday when I ordered a steak and cheese and suggested a tuna sub instead.

OH MY GOD.

At great personal risk to myself, I was able to find this actual footage of Shiverbert/Lucifer, the register girl's favorite customer.

Lucifer also is an old word for a match, which means I guess that old man just found his perfect match. <3

turn back now before it's too late ;)

Edit: His tumblr page is also titled "welcome to my twisted mind".

No no. Welcome to my MIND PALACE.

Also he's clearly never read Sherlock either...

You're quite a perceptive devil, aren't you?

I'm Garth Marenghi -- author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor...

You are a perceptive devil, aren't you?

Haha that was my first thought too. This is just a bad Sherlock fanfic.

I also happen to be a keen observer of human nature - I say there's a good chance he enjoys rough sex.

Hey! What's wrong with watching Sherlock??

You mean you don't regularly have conversations with complete strangers about how their legs were pressed against their boobs while someone was pounding them?

"I'm a writer", I said.

"And that makes me exactly like Sherlock Holmes."

I enjoyed this response. I now feel the urge to pm a picture of my dog...

"Writing is my game. A game of words and paper," I uttered intelligently.

"That's very deep. You're like some kind of poet. A modern Shakespeare even," she blushed, fingering the v-neck of her neck sensuously.

"Actually, Shakespeare is often criticized for lifting his ideas from other authors. I prefer to come up with my own ideas. As for being a poet. I just see life in a different way than other people. If that makes me a poet, I guess that's what I am."

"I'm super wet right now," she drooled.

"I know. You've shifted your thighs back and forth a quarter of an inch at a time, since I started talking. You've been wet for the last 4 minutes," I said disinterestedly, yet sensuously.

I farted charmingly and walked to my car with a knowing smile.

Thanks, dan brown.

"Who are you, and how did you get in here!?"
"I'm a lock smith, and, I'm a locksmith"

😂😂😂

I'm just Harry!

If he was actually a real writer, he'd say he was a barista.

This one honestly set off a creepy bell for me. Obviously this didn't happen, but does he go around fantasizing these odd thoughts in public as he stares at people? It's uncomfortable, off-putting, and he could cause some harm if he ever decides to approach a person to act out his fantasies. Whoever sparked him to write about the coffee interaction was probably ogled very inappropriately.

I agree, at least now I know that no amount of cringe can kill me, I have stared into the abyss of cringe and I am still breathing.

Honestly I cringed harder than this at oppa homeless style

So I guess you never heard about Denko?

I agree. I had to skim, this hurt me so bad.

Scroll through these comments and check out some of the other posts from this guy.

It boggles the mind. Boggles, I tell you!

Just wanted to say this is exactly how I felt. This is some next level, pretentious cringe fest stuff happening here. Fucking hell.

I couldn't make it through the sex description. I had to skip to the end.

I took a 5min break after he said I'm a writer.

Yes but did you read the other one OP posted? It's way worse for me.

[deleted]

50 Shades of Earl Grey Tea

50 Shades of Holmes.

The reality is that he went into a dunkin donuts, saw a girl, came in his pants, then came home to write down what really happened.

Thank you. I appreciate being recognized!

Not only that, but it would seem this lovely young lass wears skirts/dresses high enough for him to see the marks on her THIGHS, and isn't embarrassed in the slightest by the somehow still red neck she has from being choked during rough rough sex.

30 seconds is a long time to study a subject. I dare to suggest he is overrated!

Nobody gets that type and deep level of experience without real empathy. He knew what it was to be her.

What a guy!

It wasn't all dialogue, don't forget that he also just silently stared at her for 30 seconds.

I'm imagining this entire conversation happening at the counter with people in line behind them and the poor barista futilely trying to give them their coffee so they can leave and stop making everyone uncomfortable.

I thought he followed her into the bathroom.

Yeah, what was up with that AC bit?

I can confirm, being cold makes me have to pee. When I wrestled in middle school, a trick you could do to try and make weight if you were a little over was put cold water on your scrotum so you could empty your bladder.

Me neither until you typed it, now I must pee. HOW DID YOU DO THAT??? You must be a writer....

HA! You just outed yourself, robot!

Have you ever worked somewhere with a walkin cooler? That'll do it to me for sure.

I hate to admit this, but...AC does make me have to pee. And it's worst when I'm drinking an iced caffeinated beverage. My bladder spasmed in sympathy with that bit.

Now, if you need me, I'll be off gutting myself in shame for having anything in common with this creep.

Usually AC or any type of cold makes me wanna take a shit

It does to me for some reason.

He has a special keyboard for his left hand so he can typesterbate.

That ego's name?

The real Sherlock is in the comments

What a twist!!

Tows?

I miss that show.

Autism is a hell of a drug

I was going to guess Sherlockbert Holmestein, but I think you're closer with the creep part. Either way, I'm $100% certain this story is true.

Yes, every bit of this made me nauseous.

How long until that becomes a username?

Barista writers

And had free unicorn frapps for life

And they all created awesome Tumbr accounts

To be honest I wouldn't be surprised. I bet if you were to google some lines from the OP you might find a link to his fanfiction account

Well the Californication character mixed with Sherlock Holmes.

Wait, was this seriously a scene from that show?!

Pretty much eh

Also, who the fuck remembers an entire conversation they had, word for word?

Baristas are often writers.

Hobby writer here. Usually I try my best to avoid eye contact, but I have to look where I'm going sometimes. It's a cruel life.

Umm yea I can confirm this too. I write and I avoid eye contact.

/r/justneckbeardthings

Watson looks up from his notes.

"Was he actually right?"

"No, I was abused by my boyfriend. I just wanted him to go away."

They sat in stunned silence. Hands too busy masturbating at his presence to clap.

Funny story... I had a standing ovation at the county tax office the other week, but I seriously cannot share the story because it'd fit right in with this subreddit. It was just so unbelievable, and I was like, "Holy shit, I need to tell people about this!" I grabbed my phone, and stopped myself. I can't tell this story to anyone... no one will ever believe me.

She no doubt had to pee after seeing this creepy douche stare her down.

This is the best comment in the thread, it's criminal how low on the page this is.

That was my first vocal "ew" in this verytrue tale.

Edit: The previous ones were all mere micro-ews noticeable only to the hyperperceptive, like the faint bruisemarks on my cringemuscles.

I like how for a split second, he turns into Mitch McConnell.

I would love to edit this guy's book.

This guy fucks (roughly with some kinky fetishes thrown in)

Seriously, I appreciate some witty and saucy flirting with strangers sometimes, but this is just overwrought (and possibly imaginary)

Exactly. Except IRL it goes:

Guy:'ah you wanted it hot because...'

hot coffee thrown over face

Girl: "who the fuck do you think you are!"

I think Shiverbert would disagree.

Where is he now? How did he react when called out? How embarrassing was it when you had to sit and listen to this crap?

This is what I want to know. I'm guessing he does not, but if he does... He's posting this weird shit about some overtly flirtatious encounter on Facebook?

How was season 4, btw?

No. They ask what you can tell them about themselves that no one else would know.

I'm a writer. I don't mean to brag, but in the past two weeks, I've written about 20,000 words on the intracacies of credit card processing. You've probably heard of it.

i mistook that girl for great plains trash.

A very bad writer, but a writer nonetheless.

I read an article once that said to get the full endorphin-y benefits of a hug, you need to hug for a minute or more. Warned friends I was going to try it. Felt like I was REALLY lingering 8-10 seconds in. By like 20 seconds I think it should just be called cuddling.

Obviously you aren't a writer or you would know these things.

And also who the hell says that to someone?! I don't think I could run fast or far enough to get away from the jibblies.

Yeah, I didn't get that either.

Am writer, am girl, still confused. Air conditioning does not make me need to pee.

I deduce that your cancer makes you want iced tea

He stole the scene and my money?! I demand you fire this felonious ham!

If you were a writer you wouldn't have to ask.

Goddamn he got bird of prey level eyesight

:(