đď¸ Piedra-magica ¡ 56 points ¡ Posted at 02:01:22 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Someone posted a question earlier about patriarchal blessings and it made me think about how vanilla and vague the blessings are. What could you say as a exmo/patriarch that TBMs would be shocked to hear, but still believe?
âSister Young, youâll live a long life and because of your faithfulness, you will be selected as the first sister in Zion to be ordained to the Melchizedek priesthood.â
âTommy, you come from a prominent spiritual lineage. You followed the adversary and the other 1/3 of heaven, but as a covert operative. While the adversary was distracted, you convinced millions of his followers to get bodies and come to earth. Those spirits are the ancestors of modern-day Croatia.â
âJennifer, youâll abandon your membership in this church because of anti-Mormon literature. You will not marry in the temple, but youâll be happy with your decision and completely satisfied with Terrestrial glory.â
[deleted] ¡ 33 points ¡ Posted at 02:36:58 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
You will serve on the right hand of god in the second coming although you are left handed so it will be awkward as you will bump elbows frequently.
During the millennium you will be instrumental in the Lords work. So much so in fact that Jesus will take a much needed vacation spa day. It'll feel almost as good as that time he was resurrected.
I'm not sure I'm doing this right.
ShittyTBMResponsebot ¡ 28 points ¡ Posted at 02:21:06 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
The most important thing you can do in this life is serve. The most important service you can do is cleaning the chapel.
[deleted] ¡ 22 points ¡ Posted at 02:38:41 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Oh I have one. You are mentioned in the book of revelations. That'll give them a bunch of crazy fucking material to peruse trying to figure out what part is supposed to be about them.
ExploringOut ¡ 32 points ¡ Posted at 02:55:59 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Maddy, you will gain a talent for the maths and sciences, which can lead to a career that can be a great blessing in your life. I bless you that as you develop critical thinking skills, that you will grow in your capacity to discern truth and make sound moral judgements. As you grow, may you learn to care for your body, especially in relationships. I encourage you to learn to set firm and healthy boundaries. This includes the law of consent.
HighOnAMuffinTop ¡ 8 points ¡ Posted at 04:10:55 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Mic drop
Min-shaft ¡ 16 points ¡ Posted at 04:30:15 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
So, mine actually said the following...âfuture world events will be made known to you, some you will be allowed to share and some you will not.â Blew my mind most of my life.
[deleted] ¡ 8 points ¡ Posted at 04:58:19 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Wow I'm wondering if your particular Patriarch has said other wild stuff.
Min-shaft ¡ 17 points ¡ Posted at 05:08:23 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Forgot to mention that it started that promise out by saying âyou will have the spirit of prophecy. Future world events will be made known to you, some you will be able to share some you will not.â Also promised me I would never suffer from senility and my mind would be active to the end of my days. Also said I would never suffer any accidents that would impair me or my mobility. Said I would hold important leadership positions in the church (which can obviously be interpreted to mean anything). Finally, and this one is so off the mark itâs funny, but it told me I would lead many back to the church who had gone astray. Whoops. đ
ThrownAwayMormon ¡ 5 points ¡ Posted at 17:49:23 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Your friggen username is brilliant, btw.
[deleted] ¡ 3 points ¡ Posted at 20:11:29 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
OK I had missed that. So glad you pointed it out!
ConchaBullosa ¡ 9 points ¡ Posted at 05:12:34 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Did it say which church you would lead themback to?
đď¸ Piedra-magica ¡ 8 points ¡ Posted at 06:04:55 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
This wins because it is real!
fuckthisthat ¡ 15 points ¡ Posted at 02:18:02 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
âJonny, youâll have all the keys of presidency. Now donât fuck up and stop touching yourself.â
CankeredSoul ¡ 22 points ¡ Posted at 03:47:38 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
For the rest of his life: âDid he mean âstop touching myselfâ or âdonât stop touching myselfâ???â
allahakbar2018 ¡ 15 points ¡ Posted at 04:32:47 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
"You will soon come to realize that the church is complete bullshit"
dm_0 ¡ 4 points ¡ Posted at 04:36:46 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Hey! This one can true for me! You must be a prophet!
Edit: spelling
Girlwithmuscles ¡ 13 points ¡ Posted at 03:03:34 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
You will be the one to find and reveal the lost books, so go out there and look for them and donât come back until youâve completed the lords work.
exmono ¡ 11 points ¡ Posted at 04:29:49 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
The undeniable archaeological evidence of the book of Mormon will be a wellspring to your moral foundation, as you learn to distinguish myth from truth.
Mrhavoc24 ¡ 11 points ¡ Posted at 04:26:14 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Someone should make a website dedicated to uploading patriarchal blessings for everyone to see. I'd scroll through that for days lol
[deleted] ¡ 13 points ¡ Posted at 04:45:44 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
It's a thing. Here are the links;
https://www.reddit.com/r/patriarchalblessing/
http://www.fullerconsideration.com/pbrevelator.php
Mrhavoc24 ¡ 10 points ¡ Posted at 04:46:55 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
You da real mvp
famedpretzel ¡ 7 points ¡ Posted at 13:14:35 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Sister Adler, I bless you that at the end of your days you will found worthy to be sealed for time and all eternity to our beloved prophet Joseph Smith. This is both a blessing and a duty that should not be taken lightly.
đď¸ Piedra-magica ¡ 2 points ¡ Posted at 13:52:32 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Lol. Perfect.
Pickleweede ¡ 7 points ¡ Posted at 03:58:40 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Lisa you chose to come down here and face multiple struggles out of sheer love for Heavenly Father. Soon you will struggle with your sexuality until you are brought back in to the fold by your loving family. Youâll marry a good priesthood holder and wage a righteous campaign against abhorrent relations and unholy unions on behalf of the church with Heavenly Father at your side. Those outside of the true church will hate you.
Sansabina ¡ 7 points ¡ Posted at 13:16:51 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
"...and Brother Anthony, you were part of the Early Morning of the First Resurrection, but our Heavenly Father has seen fit to place a veil of forgetfulness over those valiant Saints and returned them to their families to continue life unaware. "
BillRocksWood ¡ 2 points ¡ Posted at 20:28:46 on July 25, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Brother AP-GA, you will be the first to receive the Third Annointing.
Girlwithmuscles ¡ 1 points ¡ Posted at 04:08:43 on August 2, 2018 ¡ (Permalink)
Will there be any Anal probing with that one? I might rejoin if so.,, đ