Xander makes a few scattered references to thinking the Xtacles are robots, and then in season 2 episode 2 "The Opposition" he "takes apart" one of them, getting "hydraulic fluid" everywhere
I'm going to need the rest of that story. I'm hooked.
iowan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:21:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a Catch-22 ripoff:
...accelerating at the rate of thirty-two feet per second to land with a hideous plop! on the sidewalk and die disgustingly there in public like an alpaca sack full of hairy strawberry ice cream...
Since the entire idea of human female ovulation is for it to be mostly a secret, I wonder if it's possible these cramps could give it away and have males perk up like "What's that? A cramp! I think we have a ripe one here."
Yes. It usually takes the form of loud noises that resemble a human woman asking me to go to the store to buy chocolate and cheesecake about two weeks after ovulation.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youโre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Back in college, I'd visit my Grandparents over the Christmas break. One of the worst things was that flying from the Pacific to the Eastern time zone meant that I was roused from my spot on the fold-out sofa by the smell of coffee at what was usually 4 AM. Even worse than that though was that Jeopardy came on before Wheel of Fortune. That, above even the time difference, made the world seem somehow fake and wrong.
48 I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I donโt speak German. Anyway, itโs a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I donโt know the name for those either.
jnerst ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:58:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Toisty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:54:13 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I'm imagining the sound of a hunger grumble interrupting a board meeting or something and everyone stops and looks at Heather who says, "Ugh, I think I just ovulated."
kmillay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I reckon 80% of redditors could come up with something like that easily enough.
In fact, just read a few comments down and I guarantee there'll be gold.
Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city, their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist breath through manhole covers stamped โForged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N. J.โ
I actually want to read further exposition about the manhole company. Tell me the entire story of that company for a few hundred pages. Then, just pick right up where we left off with our New York love affair.
Seeing how the victim's body, or what remained of it, was wedged between the grill of the Peterbilt 389 and the bumper of the 2008 Cadillac Escalade EXT, officer "Dirk" Dirksen wondered why reporters always used the phrase "sandwiched" to describe such a scene since there was nothing appetizing about it, but still, he thought, they might have a point because some of this would probably end up on the front of his shirt. โ Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 14:02:05 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it still strikes that fun balance between being entertaining and flawed. It has some ridiculous bits like the needlessly specific car parts/models and the fact that the whole thing is one run-on sentence.
We need to ship a bunch of penguins to the Arctic and polar bears to the Antarctic just to spite people on this point. They've already sent a bunch of Chinese tigers to a reserve in South Africa.
The problem with these is that they're obviously on purpose, thus making them really good. I'm looking for the cringey bad ones, the ones that don't feel like they were written by a comedy writer.
In the book my favourite thing is whenever the main character comes into contact with both or either of the Japanese brothers, he turns into an American Japanese stereotype
with the bowing and the addition of -san to the end of names and shit, it really kills the tone in some scenes
Kills the tone of READY PLAYER ONE? Him going full weeb the second he sees someone Japanese is completely in the tone of that book. I don't mean that as a compliment to it, either.
Itโs been a while since I read RPO, but literally every description in Armada was just โ[object] looked like [object from popular sci-fi or fantasy movie/book/etc]โ.
I rented the audiobook, so I canโt give you an exact quote, but I feel like anyone who has read it will know exactly what Iโm talking about. Laziest book Iโve ever read/listened too.
Theres something to be said about discussing the laziness of a piece of writing that you listened to rather than read. I'm not sure what, but it's something.
Well, the pages-long description of the DeLorean that the main character bought and all the modifications he made to it, none of which are ever brought up or relevant again, is one particularly egregious example.
zherok ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 01:33:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Validate My Childhood Nostalgia: The Novel, imo. It's definitely pandering, but I doubt he went out of his way to read up or see material that he hadn't already been familiar with.
Exactly this. The infamous page, just an endless list of pop culture references. Theyโre mostly very obvious mainstream, but also random shit like him listing directors (Lucas, Spielberg, Hughes) and ending with the mind boggling statement: โand of course, Kevin Smith.โ Because of course - who could forget Kevin Smith, the king of nerd culture and 80s movies?
But the kicker is that after a whole page of that shit, he dedicates one line to Japan, combining live action and anime, only listing the obvious stuff. And then thereโs the line โI read every issue of every comic book Halliday had ever collected.โ
Thatโs his entire mention of comic books. Itโs clear that Cline isnโt much of a comic fan (and thatโs fine, but do some research) and didnโt feel like digging in. He didnโt even mention Watchmen or Dark Knight Returns or Born Again or Secret Wars of COIE, the last of which Halliday certainly wouldโve loved. He couldโve gone down to page 2 of google and found Squadron Supreme or Miracleman.
Itโs a fine book, and definitely a fun read, but itโs just Cline writing himself into a fantasy. Itโs extremely apparent, especially after reading Armada, that he shares all the opinions of the MC and didnโt bother to make the character any different than himself.
zherok ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:12:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that so much of the hero's talent essentially comes down to a savant-like ability to have seemingly everything he's ever watched or read memorized is kind of what ruins it all for me.
There's a great podcast by two of the MST3k guys on both of Cline's books and they do a pretty good job of talking about just how bad a writer he is.
The book isn't impossible to enjoy, but it's very much on the level of elevated fan fiction, in a big way. There's a lot of cool things that could be done with the premise that apparently never occur to the writer.
I think it's actually a problem that you see in a lot of anime that happen to be about virtual worlds, where the author just uses the premise of a virtual world to tie modern culture to say, a high fantasy medieval setting. Here it's Cline just using it as a vehicle to wax nostalgic about all the movies he enjoyed growing up in the 80's.
He has nothing interesting to say how the Oasis really works or how society functions being so tethered to a virtual reality rather than the problems of the real world (he mentions in passing the fact that nuclear weapons have been used sometime in the past, but despite the crapsack state he creates for his hero, apparently the US is doing well enough in the 2040's to elect Wil Wheaton of all people President.)
Thatโs one of the things the movie definitely improved on. Yeah, Wade and the others still had a near-encyclopedic knowledge of Halliday and nerd culture, but it wasnโt AS bad. The worst sequence in the book for me was the second challenge, where they had to act out War Games word for word. I donโt care how many times youโve seen your favorite movie - you canโt do that.
Wade is basically the result of using cheat codes to give your character 99 in all abilities.
I donโt care how many times youโve seen your favorite movie - you canโt do that.
I'm not a fan of Ready Player One either, but you can totally memorize every word of a movie if you watch it enough. Please don't ask me how I know. It's one of my many secret shames.
If itโs your sole dedication for a while? Sure, itโs possible. Iโve seen Dumb and Dumber a whole bunch of times, and can quote at least part of most scenes, even whole monologues, but it would take dedicated studying, not just rewatching for fun, to actually know every line by every character.
The implication here is that, while studying every facet of Hallidayโs life - not only playing, but mastering every video game he mentioned; watching every movie and TV show he liked; reading all the books and comics he owned; learning his entire life and family history - Wade was able to not only memorize War Games word for word, but apparently several other movies, unless weโre supposed to believe this just happened to be the only one he had perfect knowledge of. But considering he describes it as โone of Hallidayโs favorite movies,โ itโs safe to assume this wasnโt a one time thing.
Wade is perfect in his knowledge of the game. His only โflawโ is that heโs overweight - but oh wait, he not only loses weight but gets shredded with ease simply because he decided to. The other main charactersโ big flaws are pretending to be a dude online and having a port wine stain on her face. Oh, and theyโre also near-perfect at the game, but not quite as perfect as our hero.
Dude, I agree with everything you're saying, hence my "I'm not a fan of Ready Player One either". The overweight -> shredded thing was so much wish fulfillment that I nearly threw the book into the figurative fireplace.
All I'm saying is that it's absolutely not impossible to memorize all the lines of a single movie. And you don't have to do any dedicated studying because I once played the same movie in the background for 18 hours a day for a week while I studied for finals and when I was done, I had passed all my classes and internalized all the lines of the movie. It's not impossible at all. You're also not going to like the movie anymore after all of that either.
The thing that I noticed most about RPO, is it shows what a weird cultural desert all our media exists in.
Media does not reference other media. Even if RPO was a pretty mediocre book with mediocre writing, it at least was refreshingly groundbreaking in this one axis.
We'll look back on this past 50 years and see very little stuff made that even acknowledges other stuff has been made.
eg: people in movies have not seen other movies, even if its directly relevant like a zombie movie. THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY WEIRD.
It's kinda easy to see how we got this way though - They had to make several entire production companies just to get all the licensing and copyright issues sorted out to make the RPO movie.
That was one of the things that bothered me about it. It was all very mainstream 80s references, nothing really out of the primary spectrum.
zherok ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 06:51:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the worst offense Cline commits is having nothing interesting to say about anything he references. He goes out of his way to make sure the reader knows what he's referencing, but then mostly leaves it at that. There's no insight or even particularly interesting commentary on the stuff he mentions.
Cline also has a particular talent for deflating all possible tension from his novel by ensuring there's not the slightest possibility that his hero will be unprepared for the hurdles before him.
You mean you didnโt like the part where he overcame poverty and then proceeded to pay his way past every other hurdle in his life? Or when he got ripped by playing video games? Or when he hacked Evil Corporationโs ultra-secure network through a TV, with a handwaved explanation of โprogrammers left a backdoorโ? Or when he epicPWN3D the never-to-be-seen-again rival character at the beginning by memorizing something obscure?
The references felt like Mad Libs, with the exception of one at the very end. The dipshit brigade is arriving at Co-Creatorโs McMansion and H says โOh the garden looks like [that Lord of the Rings place]โ. I was pleasantly surprised that we didnโt get a full Wikipedia page description of the place, until the next sentence when Wade says โah yes [Lord of the Ring place], from Lord of the Rings, his wifeโs favorite book series.โ I just got so angry I couldnโt even bring myself to do anything
zherok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:52:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For a book meant to evoke nostalgia, Cline seems incapable of trusting the reader to get any of them that he hasn't clarified and specifically told you what series they come from.
So he can never just describe the Delorean from Back to the Future, he has to tell you it's from Back to the Future even though by then it's obvious.
hoilst ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 23:45:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the difference between writing a book for an audience and writing a book at an audience.
It's only for them on the most superfical level imaginable. It's like Clinton took her "Pokemon Go! to the polls!" quote and wrote an entire Pokemon Novel based on it.
I figured it wouldn't make it into the 2018 batch because there was a very similar Harry Potter-related one last year, but thanks to the new section, I was able to make the cut once again. Here's to another 12 months of writing and rewriting single sentences.
Behind-the-scenes fun fact: my biggest point of indecision was whether it should be "Gandalf" or "Gandalf's". Both have an unclear antecedent, but I had to decide whether "Gandalf was long" or "the beard was a wizard" was a funnier implication.
Bruldin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:07:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read it once and chuckled. Turned to read it out loud to my wife. Caught the โno moreโ Iโd missed the first time, and could barely get through it for laughing so hard.
Iโm in public and Iโm trying to contain my laughter from this page. This is the greatest shit ever. Would be great if we could get a crossover novel of this farmer couple and Agent Gunner Storm next year
Agent Gunner Storm closed his steely grey eyes and pictured the erotic sphere of Lady Libertyโs bare breast as he thrust into the terrorist princess.
'merica
cfryant ยท 1460 points ยท Posted at 20:26:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't tell if he's raping or killing the terrorist.
Por que, not porque. Porque means because, por que means why.
xporb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:23:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit difficult on English keyboards, but there's also an acute accent on the e in quรฉ and an upside down question mark ยฟ at the start of the sentence.
The old definition of โfuckโ was โto stab, as with a knife.โ
-uzo- ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 23:39:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"And in other news, a Palm Springs woman has been charged with fucking her ex-husband 47 times. Locals say she was a quiet woman who kept to herself and went to church on Sundays, and not the kind to fuck someone to death."
He was making love to her and showing her the big, strong, throbbing ways of liberty. This inevitably led to her help in overthrowing her terrorist king father, ending the war.
These are amazing. How have I never heard of this prestigious contest before?
"You find a cave (youโre a male Halfโelf). The female Fullโelves inside try to restrain their libidos, but thatโs like butterfly nets trying to stop 100 mph of uncooked rice."
She had really really bad depression. She was just starting to rise out of it, she had announced a new book and made her first new blog post, and then her sister died. Nobody's heard a peep from her since.
3226 ยท 342 points ยท Posted at 22:50:17 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really glad she's still about, even if she's not posting stuff.
Wow that's terrible:( glad she's at least doing well enough to submit that entry
darez00 ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 23:33:26 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so sorry for her, Allie is a pretty special kind of person and I wish she's able to get better... maybe she's trying new, shorter formats now... I'm reminded almost daily of her caricatures in one way of another
I think she got divorced, too. I found a page on one of those wedding websites for a guy with the same name as her (ex)husband with a different girl. And the pictures of that guy matched his pictures on twitter.
Sypike ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 01:39:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw her in a Magic: The Gathering doc on Netflix. She's interviewed because she was dating a player in the Hall of Fame, iirc.
The doc was from a couple of years ago, so who knows what's happening.
Definitely a lifelong battle, but she seemed to be at critical clinical depression and she did not make any use of therapy, medication or support. She decided to not be depressed and forced a smile. At least that's how I remember it reading.
I have a signed copy of the book. Itโs one of my prized possessions.
wRayden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be honest the book seemed pretty short and I didn't feel like you miss much if you just read the blog. But I was happy to support her and just gifted it to a friend that was unfamiliar with it.
Nibiria ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:40:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The depression comic (two parts) is one of my favorite pieces of content ever. Really great mix of humor and just pure honesty, I've never laughed at and related to something so much in my life.
I have that book, and it seemed like she was someone who had a mental illness/divergence and was being either really specific or really vague about it.
Now I'm wondering if I actually read the book or just looked at the comics.
Time to read it again, maybe I'll get something out of it this time. Sorry for my poor reading comprehension.
Thanks for the link, you've given me some reading material for this afternoon.
"Although in the rusty tackle-box of his mind he yearned to be a #3 buck-tail spinner, Bob knew deep down he must accept his cruel fate as a bottom bouncer rig, forever destined to scrape the muddy bottom of the river of life."
It's an overwrought but perfectly understandable metaphor.
Edit: Apparently it's a purple prose contest, which is a little more specific than just bad writing in general. That is absolutely an example of purple prose.
Post-Hemingway most English-speaking writers strive for sentences to be as short and clear as possible. It conveys thoughts more clearly. It is easier to follow. The reader doesn't get confused or tired.
That said, it is not neccessarily a universal law of writing that shorter sentences should always be desirable, indeed there are writers today trying to rehabilitate what has long been called 'purple prose', most notably writers in the 'New Weird' genre there are authors such as China Mieville who write more like post-modern Lovecraft than Hemingway, but even if you do write long, run-on sentences, there is supposed to be a certain rythm and clarity in the sentence, so that the reader doesn't have to stumble over the sentence in jumps and gaps, which the sentence used in the OP certainly lacks, and I also think the word 'sussuration', or 'oblique' should be included into this self-demonstrating example.
It's not really bad writing. It's humour (deliberately exaggerated use of fishing metaphors) written in a way that lets us know the author actually has good command of the medium. I.e. good writing (if frivolous) thinly disguised as bad writing.
"Detective Robertson knew he had Joyce Winters dead to rights for the murderโat the crime scene he had found Wintersโ fingerprints, shell casings matching the gun registered to her, and, most damning of all, a Starbucks cup with the name โJosieโ scrawled on it."
Pyryn ยท 6658 points ยท Posted at 17:59:31 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"She walked in with a dress the paralyzing green of the BlackWidow Ultimate Stealthย 2014ย Edition Elite Mechanical Gaming Keyboard by Razer (4.5ย stars,37ย customer reviews)"
It's crazy!
Seems like yesterday (2006) that Razer Inc was a small Startup, sponsoring even smaller Counterstrike 1.6 and Warcraft III teams, trying to get a foot hold in the gaming community!
And what seems crazy now is their shit tier customer support in the middle of disputing a charge right now :) tried to change 1 part of an order 5 minutes after placing it they said I can't I have to cancel the order and wait 18 days for confirmation they didn't send me the product. Ok whatever I cancel the order, get an email the product is being prepared to ship. Freak out and talk to customer support and cancel the order again. Now I just got emailed that the product has been shipped. And best of all I now have to call FedEx and cancel the shipment because they refuse to do it on their end.
Seems to be a problem for all peripheral suppliers. Used to be all corsair, but all the stuff stopped working or had quirks that caused me to call. CS was very little help (said it was my fault a RGB feature on my keyboard didn't work when I hooked it into PC), so I jumped ship to Logitech. So far all their products have lasted much longer, but I've heard horror stories of their customer support.
Wait, you heard Logitech support is bad? I've only heard great things. They'll warranty the shit out of your stuff. I told them my mouse randomly died and they just sent another one. Didn't even ask me to send in the old one.
No shit? I have only heard anecdotes from friends, but your story makes me think it may be case by case. My friends have had issues involving desk speakers and whatnot, I haven't had a reason to call them yet. Hopefully if I do it wind's up like your situation!
I'm the type of person that never calls CS, but this reminds me of the time I got a K70, plugged it in, and it didn't work. Spent a while trying to figure it out, I just couldn't understand it. Plugged in my old keyboard, no input again. The damn thing had somehow removed all the keyboard drivers from my PC, and it took me embarrassingly long to realise.
I've been using Logitech for my headsets for a while and haven't had any major issues. Mostly my own fault when I drop something or break something it's snapping their product it's my fuck up. I'm currently using a g933 Artemis. And I know that I have the RGB features turned off the battery lasts forever. It does seem to have a strange quirk for when it goes to sleep after a designated amount of time. When you wake it up sometimes you have to completely restart the device or it'll be on, but you have no sound.
I however have been using a razor 2016 Ultimate keyboard. It's just green no fancy colors but the only Court I've seen is that the tiki seems to be weird either it double taps or doesn't tap at all. Maybe it's just me being a crappy typist. I've been considering getting a Logitech keyboard because they offer them and blue and that's my favorite color.
If it's Bluetooth connected then that's probably a Bluetooth problem. God I can't wait till Bluetooth gets good or replaced, its been decades and it's still just not that good.
Bluetooth pretty damn solid. The issue is as I understand it; a majority of Bluetooth devices don't use anything near the most current Bluetooth technology. Throw two or three versions behind the most current stable Bluetooth out there and they don't want to update because it cost money.
This reminds me of the Bose truly Wireless earbuds I was looking at. They are exceptionally expensive, come with a charger case so every time you stick in the case they're charged up. They look really good but the problem is if you do anything other than listen to music they're terrible. Because there's a huge delay between video motion and a sound getting to your earbuds. This would be solved if they use the most current Bluetooth technology or at least alleviated to some degree.
It's still the same technology but it's different versions. The same way of USB 2.0 3.0 and 3.1. they're all USB but each one's progressively faster the same way works with Bluetooth.
I know, and I'm vaugely aware of the fact that there have been versions of bluetooth, however it's never as prominent a marketing tool as USB 2.0 was.
sjoel92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:48 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk, I have some QC35s I got for Christmas last year, while the audio quality isnโt quite up to the standard of my old Sennheisers, the overal quality of the Bluetooth functionality, mic and call quality, etc Iโd absolutely buy them again having never even really wanted them in the first place. The newest Bluetooth chipsets are great.
To be honest, they probably did that to you (on purpose) because you were likely a douche over the phone. Could be wrong, but I doubt it. Always be friendly to customer service.
I never talked to them over the phone, I emailed them and ended my email with "thank you very much for your time, have a great day" I'm nice to customer support because I doubt they wanna do that job.
It's highly unlikely they would do this, something that seems to be done on purpose if you were as cheery as you say. What do I know though? Only worked in the service industry for the last 14 years..
Me too. 12 years ago my friend. I super applaud the Razer marketing team
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now they just make shoddy, black plastic "gaming" versions of every single PC peripheral you can think of. I still love their mice, but making a $60 gaming mousepad with RGB LEDs is going too far.
I do, too. It's not a bad green, but the default Synapse options are pretty terrible. Only pulses at the max brightness, so I just have to have it on low.
I've got a blue one. I wish I had the green one. What was I thinking?
Hrimnir ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 21:55:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one is actually pretty hilariously bad.
canon_w ยท 141 points ยท Posted at 22:22:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like it's so bad it wraps back arou nd to being good, and would actually be a stellar start to a comedic novel. You'd have to lean into it though.
Are we sure this isn't an actual first sentence from the next Ernest Cline book?
zherok ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:29:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably too specific, it'd require at least a cursory amount of research rather than having simply been something Cline came across at least once in his life.
Are you saying that my hand-polished, semen-infused, mahogany IBM Model M is not the only keyboard people are allowed to buy make with twenty years of hard labour in a North Korean concentration camp?
I honestly see this all the fucking time in bad fanfiction, but with brand name shoes instead of computer accessories. The rating and review listing is a new one, though.
"On my honor as a Cordette, I swear by my Manolo Blahniks I will do my best to win this round. If I don't try, may my ability to detect a trend six months in dvance desert me when I need it most."
I stand by my baby. She's been going strong for over 4 years. Such a good keyboard. Can't keep the backlights on in the dark though, that shit'll blind you.
This is like something David Foster Wallace would write.
JoeTPB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:26 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"She walked in with a dress the paralyzing green of the BlackWidow Ultimate Stealthย 2014ย Edition Elite Mechanical Gaming Keyboard by Razer (4.5ย stars,37ย customer reviews)"
"Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve. Blood!? Blood. Crimson copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. And bits of sick." - Garth Marenghi, Slicer
If you're interested Matthew Holness (Garth Mahrenghi himself) has also written a few short horror stories that are genuinely really good. Two of them are in two anthologies of horror short stories written by comedians (I'm blanking on the name of the series at the moment.)
They are definitely worth checking out if you like horror stories.
Good to know. I thought it was strange that he appeared out of nowhere with this great show full of cameos, did one more show (which is also hilarious) then vanished off the screen. Good to hear that he's still working. After all, he's a visionary. With a spacious basement.
I was once eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes when one of the pieces got lodged sideways between two of my molars and as I bit down again it cut through my gum.
As I kept eating the cereal began to taste like nothing but pennies and then I noticed the amount of blood pouring out of my mouth into my bowl.
I think most people associate iron with the smell of rust and copper with the smell of pennies. Blood doesn't smell much like rust. But the smell you get on your hands when you handle a bunch of old pennies (not the mostly zinc ones) is very metallic. And blood smells metallic. So the metal smell that most people recognize is pennies - which is why it's a good descriptor for blood
Lick a steel steak knife versus a silver knife (on the non sharp part). They do not taste the same. Spoken as someone who grandparents have silver spoons... Which are a nasty Christmas surprise when you are trying to eat mashed potatoes and all you can taste is silver tarnish.
Edit: autocorrect sucks
I used to get extremely bad nose bleeds as a child. I remember just being so sick of the metallic taste. copper probably isn't far off after a while of exposure.
I was typing and I had this block, and suddenly I heard a voice come here and it was Madeline, and she spoke to me. And she said "Garth, that sentence needs a verb." And she was right. And she said "That's inelegant." Then very quietly she went.
"Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she opened that tomb? The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Bloodโฆ and piss and shit. This was the worst day of her life." - Garth Marengi, The Told
โThe moonlight shone down on the place, unhindered. The gnarled parapets jagged upwards, like a bony hand of icy indifference. In the background there was a pigeon.โ - Garth Marenghi, author, dreamweaver, horror writer, plus actor, Black Fang
Why is the icon for this article/post a Maruchan instant ramen cup?
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 1002 points ยท Posted at 20:04:34 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit grabs the first [img] on a page.
-Asher- ยท 396 points ยท Posted at 20:58:18 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not complaining
Glifted ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 21:11:50 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who would?
[deleted] ยท 175 points ยท Posted at 22:04:36 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those things are the shit. When you're on a diet of only 300 kcal a day, can only eat one meal, and need to make sure you still get 100% of your sodium despite the low calories.
I actually checked the page... and it makes even less sense. The first step to making someone your wife is to give them the cheapest instant ramen cup on the planet?
(British artist) Tracy Emin made a series of works that were words or phrases in neon (in her handwriting, maybe): one of them was/is "My cunt is wet with fear".
Every one of these sentences Iโve read sounds like something Iโve read in a workshop during my English degree, and they all sound just like one particular classmate. I still have one of her stories. I could rip off one of her sentences and win this thing every year.
โLuna descended downward slowly and carefully from the cliffs above and down to the pondโs edge where her wolf family was washing her clothes with Tide detergent.โ
That is something one of my classmates actually submitted to a sophomore level writing class, and submitted again to a senior level writing class.
This sentence completely sucks me in to the story. I have to learn more about the lore of a fantasy world where wolves have hands and wash clothes with Tideยฎ detergent.
I had a girl in my class like that too. She wrote a whole story without dialogue, but wrote things like, "her burly husband growled as he angrily admonished her cooing all along"
hoilst ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 06:26:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, you too went through the Great Young Adult Craze in a writing class at uni, too.
That is something one of my classmates actually submitted to a sophomore level writing class, and submitted again to a senior level writing class.
At least she took the whole course. The worst for me were the STEM guys who took one or two classes because they were, of course, geniuses who had a novel in them, and didn't, but of course, actually need to do any formal study into the matter.
They were doing STEM subjects, you understand. A piffling arts subjects? Why, they could do that standing on their head while doing calculus with one hard and masturbating furiously to hentai with the other!
Oh, it was to be an easy High Distinction, surely. Once these dozy creative wankers got a blast of some proper literature - you know, either high fantasy or hard science fiction - why, they'd realise how they were wasting their lives, and so I got to read about...
The Transparent Vagina
Look, I don't know what the actual title of the work was called, but it was meant to be final year project: a 4000 word short story or excerpt from you novel.
All I remember it as is "The Transparent Vagina, Or, Diamond Space Disco".
I still remember all what was terrible about this excerpt.
For one, there was the class Comp-Sci-Guy-Who-Writes-Sci-Fi excuse: any shit that makes absolutely no sense in the immediate context WILL BE DEALT WITH IN ANOTHER BOOK (because of course the book was to be part of a 9-book anthology or "cycle" or "iterative" or whatever pseudo-intellectual /r/iamverysmart collective noun they could make up).
Exposition and info-dumps galore. Again, gotta let the reader the know how smart the author is. Knowing exactly how the quantum fridge keeps space beer cool will be vital once you get to Book 5, and is well worth the six paras explaining it.
Adverbs everywhere. Oh, the adverbs, hoilst typed wearily.
But I'm burying the lede, no?
I teased transparent vagina, and optically-clear cooch you will get.
For some reason, one of the characters was a woman who had transparent skin and muscles because space fashion. 'Spose there's nothin' more attractive to a red-blooded guy than being able to see a chick's heart beating, or indeed, her gallbladder pump bile into her duodenum.
Of course, she got about completely nekkid. Because, you know, future and stuff.
Which is why we could see her see-through baby hatch.
And the way he described it...well. It was certainly keeping within the author's chosen genre.
Very...very scientific.
I mean, he spent like a whole page describing the labias both major and minor, clitoral hood, clitoris, cervix (and the nerves and arteries that hooked it all up - transparent skin, remember). All very gynecological.
I'm fairly certain he pretty much copied the Wikipedia entry for "vagina", because that's exactly what it read like. This went on for like a page.
It got awkward.
It was painfully obvious he'd never seen a vagina before, at least outside of jpegs.
Needless to say, all of it was completely unrelated to anything else in the story. It was the most awkward, cringeworthy padding I'd come across.
No other aspect of the woman got any description, by the way, save for the transparency.
Any way, her and a bunch of other guys (including one chick who had implanted angel wings on her back, because, fuck it, god left this story a long time ago).
They go to the Venusian Space Disco, because this story is set on Venus - you know, the least hospitable non-gas planet in the solar system - which had, for some reason, floors made out of diamond.
The author was not happy to have some non-stem point out how scientifically terrible it all was.
Whatever. Because it turns out they never went dancing, anyway. The remaining 1500 words was made up of the gang climb about twenty flights of stairs to get to the roof for...reasons. That's right - in the future, there will be transparent vag and graftable angel wings, but no elevators.
I love the archetypes you find in creative writing classes. I also had classes with a couple of STEM kids. They werenโt quite as bad as the guy you knew, but who is? My personal favorite was the 42 year old divorced woman, going after her masterโs in creative writing, who was writing a fictional memoir about a 42 year old divorced woman who sold her successful law practice to tame the open road with her motorcycle. Only she never tamed the road...The road tamed her....
She turned in an excerpt from her novel that was no less than 45 pages, and contained five graphic sex scenes. The first one had her getting bent over her bike by a trucker. The second one had her getting nailed against a menโs room wall by a mysterious biker with a โserpentine dickโ, but no name. The third was an unusually well-written gang bang on a pool table in a bar after hours. The fourth was an uncomfortable BJ scene where she had to take one on the face to get her stolen bike back. But the fifth scene brought us back to olโ snake dick from scene two.
The gang bang scene was particularly memorable because while we were workshopping the story in class, one of my classmates, a very conservative Christian woman in her 30โs, was quite confused about the logistics of the scene. Most of the class declined to clarify things, as they were a bunch of shy literature nerds. The professor was doing his best to get the class to move on to a different excerpt. The woman was undeterred in her quest to understand the pounding that the protagonist was receiving. I knew that we probably werenโt going to wrap up the critique until this lady understood the ins and outs of the scene, so I took it upon myself to clarify a couple of things.
โSo I understand that she was on top of the...stallion...on the pool table. But then the black guy with the goatee got on top of her and then...what? I donโt understand what heโs doing there. How was he also inside her?โ
โHe was in her ass.โ
โOh...Thatโs what she meant by โthe back doorโ. That makes sense. And then the older guy with the long hair, heโs standing on the pool table next to her and heโs...โ
โIn her mouth.โ
โBut why was her mascara running? Was she crying?โ
โMaybe not crying. Itโs more like her eyes were watering.โ
โBut why?โ
โHeโs apparently a pretty big guy, and heโs getting a bit aggressive with it.โ
โA big guy? She doesnโt mention his height or weight. Where did you get that heโs big?โ
โHe has a very large penis, and the violent thrusting into her mouth is causing her eyes to water.โ
โOh...Oh my. Is that common?โ
โMaybe? I donโt know. I doubt thereโs much data to dig up on that particular phenomenon.โ
She then turned to the writer and said โDo you have any more to this story? Iโd like to read some more.โ
And the class moved on from there. That still wasnโt even close to the most uncomfortable moment that semester.
jesus christ I would have died in a creative writing class. The second-hand telling is already making me cringe so hard I may have to lie down.
hoilst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:28 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, yeah. Same experience here.
Fun quiz for everyone!
Who has the crazier, darker, more violent, more sexually violent story ideas?
A) The guy with facial tattoos, a dozen visible piercings, a Cradle of Filth T-Shirt, and reads nothing but horror?
B) The nice-looking middle-aged housewife who wears mum jeans and fuzzy woolly jumpers and calls everyone "sweetie" (in a completely genuine way)?
If you answered B...dingdingding! Correct!
We had one nice lady in Screenwriting who basically forced the tutor's brain to do a hard reboot, what with her story about an Albanian family (she herself wasn't Albanian) with an uncle who had raped every single female member of that family. Like, everyone. Aunts, sisters, mothers, cousins, nieces, step-sister's-sister-in-law's, third cousins twice removed...everyone. Her script idea was to be half incest-rape...and then half revenge torture porn.
Of course, she went into detail, of both the raping and then torturing, far more than was necessary for the "OK, class, give us a three-minute rundown of your script". She seemed genuinely excited which, I suppose, is a good thing...?
According to her, "Albanians hold grudges, if you know anything about Albanians", so finally they women got the dude tied up.
The aunt who was anally raped, of course - once they got him tied up - started penetrating his anus with a serrated kitchen knife. The niece who got knocked up from her rape cut out his balls.
"Oh, not, not off. Out. Just so he wouldn't bleed to death before they were finished."
This was after they got his dick hard so they could tie it off with rubber bands and kill the blood flow, but before they gouged out his eyes.
And so on and so forth.
The poor tutor was a good guy but bit of Sydney wanker - think $200 jeans and cashmere blazer over a $50 burgundy T-shirt - and we watched his jaw just hang open. A somewhat jaded veteran of the film scene, he like paused for a good three seconds as his mind reset before just saying "Right. Oh, so, um, what, er- it kinda just moves from the first act to the third, by the sound of it. That...that might be something you'd like to work on." Purely from a lack of anything else to say, I guess.
This went on for more than her three minutes, because the tutor's mind just froze like a frog in liquid nitrogen.
The look on my classmates' faces was amazing. Jaws dropped. One poor, sweet, innocent little literary nerd girl was ghost white and had like saucers- no, not saucers. They were beyond saucers. Soup bowls, to continue the crockery theme.
Even the dickhead who laughs at everything (you know the guy) was eerily quiet, with a look of utter confusion on his face. You could hear the cogs screaming as his mind tried to shift into the right gear to process it all.
โserpentine dickโ
MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE- no, let's not go there.
As is in it several noticeable curves in it...or it was made from the minerals collectively referred to as serpentine?
quite confused about the logistics of the scene
"Sex logistician" should totally be a thing.
"Now, you say your protagonist is taking him in her ass, but you also say she can feel his dick in her mouth at the same time? Is this a metaphor? Or just how long is this guy's dick, anyway?"
Iโm going off of memory until I find a copy of her story. That was just the most memorable sentence for me. In my written critique of her work, I spent an entire paragraph breaking down that sentence. There was plenty of garbage to sift through in the rest of her story, but this one jumped out at me because of where it ended up. I was just so blindsided by the fact that these wolves (not werewolves, she was very clear in making that distinction) were washing her clothes, but only after they had either stolen a bottle of Tide from someoneโs home, or purchased it from the grocery store.
"You don't smell like those other carnivores. Do you maintain an alternative diet?" Fearful of a possible relationship with a vegan I immediately sink my teeth into my forearm and spray it down with blood, effectively stopping it from corrupting any more pure, red-blooded folk.
Last I heard, upon contact with suffering the vegan then commits Seppofu and is defeated.
Wow, this takes me back. I submitted a sentence for this contest in 2008 and got a jury prize. Now it's been a decade since and I've accomplished nothing else.
The thing is, you can never really tell if a person is looking out from behind their own eyes, or if the eyes are being piloted by tiny mice in swivel-chairs.
Sadly, Jim retracted his penis; it obviously wasn't welcome here.
Sleep was about to clutch my eyes, when suddenly the text rang through my head. Peering at my phone I saw, โWTF? LMAO!โ and I could not help but smile.
Well, I mean, this is just a factually true statement as far as I know:
The thing is, you can never really tell if a person is looking out from behind their own eyes, or if the eyes are being piloted by tiny mice in swivel-chairs.
The thing is, you can never really tell if a person is looking out from behind their own eyes, or if the eyes are being piloted by tiny mice in swivel-chairs.
I feel we can put that one aside. It's gotta be from Jayden Smith.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:22:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The thing is, you can never really tell if a person is looking out from behind their own eyes, or if the eyes are being piloted by tiny mice in swivel-chairs.
Sadly, Jim retracted his penis; it obviously wasn't welcome here.
Sleep was about to clutch my eyes, when suddenly the text rang through my head. Peering at my phone I saw, โWTF? LMAO!โ and I could not help but smile.
OP might reveal which was theirs, but that might also reveal their real name on the Internet ...
And therein lies my dilemma. Personally, I say you just choose whichever one is funniest to you and attribute it to me. It doesn't reveal my identity and boosts my self-worth. It's a win-win for me, and isn't that really all that matters?
cm_bush ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:49:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"This isn't too bad really," I said to myself after reading the comment with 37 upvotes in my 89 degree office with the broken A/C, "Like, it took a couple hesitant steps into bad territory but then turned around and settled for middle-of-the-comment-section mediocrity."
The man at the computer, renowned and critically acclaimed international author Dan Brown, looked at the internet post. The man at the computer looked at the internet post and felt angry.
trimeta ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:09:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've yet to meet anyone who couldn't solve the riddle at the end of Digital Fortress in less than 60 seconds, without access to the internet. The "genius" characters in the book take like 10 minutes, and that's with full access to a search engine. And they get the wrong answer, which (since Dan Brown also got the wrong answer) is called the right answer! Yes, Dan Brown wrote a riddle that he himself could not solve correctly.
I'll be honest, I kind of enjoyed Da Vinci Code when reading it. But Digital Fortress made me realize "shit, if everything he says about something I do have familiarity with is wrong, maybe I shouldn't trust him on topics where I don't know enough to know that he's wrong."
I remember solving all the puzzles in Da Vinci Code in fifth grade. Thought it made me smart. No, Brown is just dumb. The APPLE answer was the most obvious.
trimeta ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:57:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine theorized that this is central to Brown's popularity: he writes incredibly easy riddles, and then the reader thinks "wow, I solved this better than the characters in the story, I must be a genius!" Not to impugn fifth-grade-you; you were young, you've learned better since.
Lol yeah. Now I can appreciate authors with good puzzles to figure out that aren't ham fisted into the story, like the motives in my favorite book Oathbringer by Br-hey wait a minute!
trimeta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:07:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, if you do want puzzles, I'd recommend Gรถdel, Escher, Bach, by Douglas Hofstadter. It isn't any less ham-fisted (if anything, it's more so, since half of the book is non-fiction exploring various concepts, including providing exercises related to those concepts), and in many ways it feels like the author is saying "look at how smart I am," but unlike with Dan Brown, Douglas Hofstadter actually isthat smart, so the effect is more like "thank you, it was interesting to see how smart you are."
Yea, maybe, but I didn't read the book because I love (or even know anything about) codes or cyphers or whatever. I just enjoyed the book.
trimeta ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 01:31:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't it bother you that all the "facts" he uses are wrong, though? His description of languages is completely false. His understanding of ciphers is completely false. His concept that "oh, to crack all the encryption, you just need a big enough computer to test every possible algorithm with every possible key" is false. And that ending riddle...I'm not even joking, that's what made me swear off Dan Brown forever.
Because there may be people reading this thread who have managed to avoid Digital Fortress, I will print the riddle here, followed by an explanation of it. I seriously do want you, the person reading this, to think about how you would solve this riddle. Don't feel like you need to go out and Google for relevant information; I just want you to think "what are the steps I would take in trying to interpret this?" Because I want to compare and contrast what you, the person reading this comment, did vs. what the characters in the book did, to prove how incredibly stupid all of Dan Brown's characters are.
Here's the full riddle (the characters knew they were looking for a numeric answer):
Prime difference between elements responsible for Hiroshima and Nagasaki
Seriously, spend a few seconds thinking about how you'd interpret that riddle, what you think it would mean, what you think the answer should be. This comment will still be here while you wait.
Finished? OK, so probably the first thing you noticed was the word "elements." You thought "Hmm, I know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were both targeted by atomic bombs at the end of WWII; I wonder if the chemical elements in those bombs were different in some way." And you'd be right! This insight is the key to solving the riddle. But the characters don't think of this immediately. Instead, a group of the NSA's best cryptographers and mathematicians spend 10 minutes asking "what were the sociological or demographic differences between the two cities?" They search for population statistics, economics, geographic distances, everything except chemistry. They even spend two of their three possible guesses on these blind alleys! Only when David Becker, the Robert-Langdon-like Professor of Linguistics, takes a crack at the problem, does he suggest "maybe we should think about chemical elements." So if you even considered chemistry as a relevant avenue to solving this riddle, you're already smarter than Dan Brown characters.
So, let's say that all of the NSA's secrets were on the line, and you knew that you needed to find the correct answer. But you had access to the internet, and you figured out that maybe chemistry is involved. So you Google what the chemical makeup was of the Little Boy and Fat Man bombs. You find that one of them had a core of radioactive Uranium-235, and the other had a core of radioactive Plutonium-239. So you find the "difference" between the mass numbers for these two elements: 239 - 235 = 4. But wait! 4 isn't prime; it's 2*2. So clearly, we don't care about mass number: we must want the atomic numbers. Uranium has atomic number 92, while Plutonium is atomic number 94. 94 - 92 = 2, which is prime, so you're good to go: the answer to the riddle is 2.
But Dan Brown, who I'd like to remind you wrote this riddle in the first place, couldn't follow the above logic. Instead, when he did whatever passes for "research" in his world, he came to the conclusion that the Fat Man bomb was based on Uranium-238, not Plutonium-239. It's true that Fat Man has U-238, but that wasn't the fissile core: that was simply a tamper material used to help reflect the neutrons from the exploding P-239 back into the core, to maximize the potency of the blast. But since Dan Brown thought that the U-238 was the "element responsible" for the Fat Man bomb (and therefore the bombing of Nagasaki), he said that 238 - 235 = 3 is the answer to his riddle. He gave the wrong answer. If the NSA were relying on him to defend their secrets, everything would have leaked. (Also, in the book, the NSA are the good guys and their secrets leaking is the "villain wins" outcome, but that's a political problem, not a logic/research problem.)
Anyway, this has been a fairly long rant, but I hope it's clear that /u/BigBusiness1532 picked the wrong person to say "You don't like Dan Brown? You should read Digital Fortress, that will change your mind" to.
trimeta ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 02:04:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not even kidding, in college I was somewhat known as "the guy who really hates Digital Fortress." I took every opportunity I could to give the above rant, and once as part of a senior tradition involving setting up puzzle quests I had a whole thing themed around Digital Fortress and its terrible logic. I've spent over half my life hating Digital Fortress.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:11:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How's Oathbringer, by Brandon Sanderson. Got riddles?
trimeta ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:15:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not really a puzzle quest book, so no. What it does have is a great, well-defined magic system and lots of plot points that pay off earlier set-ups and make you say "hell yeah, that was awesome." But you already knew that it was written by Brandon Sanderson, so that all goes without saying.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Magic, huh? Got any sci-fi recommendations?
trimeta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of his stuff is fantasy, although he has a few short stories that are sci-fi: Firstborn and Defending Elysium are the most obvious ones, while his Legion novellas (completely unrelated to the Marvel character, BTW) are more near-future technothrillers with a protagonist that has unusual (but not physics-breaking) powers. Another of his stories, Perfect State, starts out fantasy, but you end up learning that there's more to it. And Snapshot has a vaguely-defined mutant/alien/something that powers the technology, but in the author's notes he says that he only used that instead of full sci-fi because he wanted a near-future setting and the tech was too powerful to have been invented the old fashioned way without this drastically changing other elements of the world.
Depending on whether you consider superheroes sci-fi or fantasy, the Reckoners series may also qualify. Although it's not exactly a "superhero" series, seeing as every single powered person becomes evil... Anyway, that's probably the most he's written in a single quasi-sci-fi setting. The rest are all one-shots (well, two-shot, in the case of Legion).
Oh, and he's got a new novel coming up out soon, Skyward, which is sci-fi. I can't directly recommend it, since I haven't read it yet, but if you're specifically looking for sci-fi, keep an eye out for when that releases.
Brandon sandersons magic is more like a different set of laws of physics, considering how unbelievably we'll thought out all his magic systems are. Also there's the fact that 90% of his fantasy stories take place in the same 'cosmere' but in different planets. They seem to be all leading to some sort of culmination of the multiple stories, which would be more sci-fi considering the planet-hopping side of things. A lot of his work deeper into certain series' is becoming more Sci-fi as technology expands and the civilisations of each planet become sort of aware of one another.
The way I see it is that his stuff is basically medieval sci-fi, like what if there were different rules for physics and how they would be used in alien landscapes in a medieval setting. The alien landscapes part is important because they mostly feel like actually different planets with totally different weather systems, types of life etc.
That isn't even really a riddle, it's just a few words away from being a normally phrased question.
trimeta ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:35:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There also was a bit about using a Caesar cipher to decode that phrase from a different string of text, but I skipped that part, because it wasn't as objectionable and also the characters figured it out reasonably quickly.
I'll be honest, I saw Hiroshima, and Nagasaki and thought Hydrogen and Nitrogen, for some reason. Since you said it could be solved without a lookup.
Still, that's a pretty disappointing riddle! :C
2015 Winner โ "I drew my customized Kimber 1911 .45, with the Pachmayr grips and skeletonized trigger, and leveled it coolly at the African-Americans."
"Our eyes are always pointing at things we are interested in approaching, or investigating, or looking at, or having." Jordan Peterson is at it again. I had to double check that it was the same Jordan Peterson...
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:08:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:25:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It should make you feel better to know that his "random number of steps to totally save your life" book that everyone writes at least one of now, is the best seller on amazon in the philosophy category.
why is it so frequent that "common sense and blatantly obvious self-help tips repackaged in a numbered step guide" gets labelled "philosophy"? Maybe it's because his self-help guidebook comes with a weird christian mcarthyist misogynist sideshow
Challenge: Explain exactly why he is a "dunce", without resorting to simple insults or assertions based off of something you read from a heavily left-biased and editorialized publication.
Hint: you can't actually do that, I just want to make you realize that you can't.
"They say printer ink is worth more than human blood said the Vampire Prince but i'll take your type O over CMYK any night."
r55r44 ยท 655 points ยท Posted at 21:53:13 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too
โAs the clown breathed into the balloon and it slowly inflated, my penis inflated in tandem, as if the clown was breathing straight into my penis hole.โ
This made me uncomfortable to write so I think itโs decent.
Edit: thank you guys for all your support. Well, idk if hating something thatโs meant to be bad is support butโฆ Iโm happy regardless.
Edit 2: obligatory, thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Edit 3: as someone suggested, I just submitted it. The only difference is I changed โpenis holeโ to โshaft hole.โ
"I had way too much coffee" I contemplated to myself as a warm stream of liquid arced off the crack of my buttocks into the toilet.
This was the first time I used the abode. Feeling remorse that I could no longer smell the caramel and cinnamon from
my late wifes last stool.
r55r44 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:20:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first half I was like โeh, heโs just gunna go the purely gross route, seems a bit easy.โ Then I hit the โlate wifeโs last stoolโ line. Absolute gold 10/10
"I looked at the gun as the emergency exit that I could walk through at anytime to get myself to safety. This PTA meeting would be long but I had a way out."
r55r44 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:49:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to write custom erotica commissions for spare cash and this kind of thing always makes me wish I'd taken this one dude up on his That 70s Show gay scat clown balloon story. (So much opportunity to write goddamn weird shit that someone will find sexy even while I'm laughing.).
However, I had a policy against characters from popular media because I am too much of a perfectionist when I'm familiar with an IP, and when I'm not, then I'm not gonna do a bunch of research just to write bad porn. But I absolutely missed my chance on inflating balloon penises.
r55r44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is such an incredibly specific fetish. Iโm in awe. I donโt even know how Iโd go about approaching something so specific and weird from a writing standpoint.
One dude paid me $160 to write about him being eaten alive by an alternate universe version of himself, after which they had sex and moved in together. Their love was beautiful and I guess narcissistic.
r55r44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:36:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After he was consumed, how did he fuck the dude? Also โtheir love was beautiful and I guess narcissisticโ made me laugh so godamn hard.
It's a fetish called full tour vore, where you're eaten alive by someone or something and are conscious and perfectly fine the whole time. Usually ends up with the character covered in shit, but that's some people's thing (including this guy's).
At this point in my life if a kink or fetish is doable in real life without serious injury or psychological trauma I consider it normal.
r55r44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm not shocked by the existence of vore fetishes, Iโm shocked by the million different specific types of vore fetishes.
Synaps4 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Less bad imagery, more bad English.
The goal isnt to make people cringe with the image, its more to make them cringe with mixed metaphors, poorly chosen similies, run on sentences, and inane pointless details.
r55r44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:21:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People seem to like it.
Synaps4 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
StePK ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:59:57 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think poor technical skill isn't considered in this. All of the sentences are, for the most part, grammatically and structurally sound... Ish. It's the content that matters.
โJezzellebelle... Iโฆ I... miss your... Rainbow Dash *nuzzlie-wuzzles*โ Mik-L cried as he opened her tumblr page, his pants, and to his dick-fisted surprise the first portal to Coolopolisโฆ
I already submitted this so no stealing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:49:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Zandrew, last of the Eternal Elf-Knights, stood atop the summit of the Steel Mountain and shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked upon the lands of the kingdom of Eleljelah; bulging rivers, blood'd fields, and the capital, N'non'Ka (it's towering spires jutting up at the twin-moons like beckoning fingers, making the twin soul-axes hanging at Zandrew's side twitch and glint in the dim light of dusk, like a gunslinger before a duel)."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:20:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're probably confused. This is the opening to BlรคdeWelder: T'Anathole's Lament (Pengwin, 2002) (and published in Europe and Brazil as The Danasyarian Chronicles V: The Joys of T'Anathole). It's meant as a spiritual successor to the second book in the first trilogy, RadaGan: Return of K'ancer the Black and White, (published in '91), which might explain the confusion.
Other ones made me chuckle but this one actually sent me into a fit of laughter. It was just so unexpected - and sarcastically topical.
Mesonit ยท 171 points ยท Posted at 19:30:39 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But many of them are longer than 25 words.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 454 points ยท Posted at 19:51:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I messed up!
For the 2008 competition, the maximum combined word count of an entrant's submission was increased to 30 words, and an individual entry could consist of multiple sentences. For 2011, the limit was raised to 33 words, and for 2012, a limit of 200 characters was established instead.
lol! i wasn't serious, but thanks for the research. honestly there's potential in the sentence, and a lot of truth. there are so many horrid lyrics out there compared to it.
Reddit searches for an embedded image in the submitted link to use as the post's icon. As this contest is text-based, the only image in the post was of a cup of noodles used as a prop for a joke written in the entries' commentary.
Zemyla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:59 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This absolutely sounds made up but I entered a contest like this once through a Tumblr giveaway of a brand new iPhone 4S (back when the 5 had juuuust recently come out). The contest was to write the worst one-sentence fanfiction. I wrote about Bloo from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends getting it on with Gallant from the Highlights magazine. I won and two weeks later it came in the mail. It worked in basically perfect condition for four years until I lost it at Disneyworld.
Has anyone tried getting a 200-character limit category added to the Bulwer-Lytton contest? Any Lyttle-Lytton submission can be made to Bulwer-Lytton too.
myne ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:36:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Know what'd be hilarious and/or terrifying, reddit?
Chabubu ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:40:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The victim writhed inaudibly, his skyward gaze turning lifeless at the hands of his assassin; much like a toddler without floaties in an untended pool.
Xane Blazer put down his wizend falchion and turned to regard the supple beauty of the Terran ambassador. He would not be returning to the astropod tonight.
I fucking love this stuff. I don't know if Atlanta Nights by Travis Tea is brought up around here all the time but it should be. It's a whole novel that was written just like this to troll a vanity publisher. It's so great it makes me want to vomit my bones.
In eighteen-eighty-something, the most-great Victorian author Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote the most awesome opening sentence of any novel, of all time:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents โ except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
Ever since, we lesser authors have tried to match or surpass that kind of "purple prose" (as lesser critics call it), to no avail; and here we are: solipsistically trying to prove that we have our own the key to perfect writing that Bulwer-Lytton already provided... of course, whole volumes could be written about this (and they have been), but all we need to do is read the original, exquisite prose; and wonder at its perfection...
A few of those are actually quotes from real authors. Jordan Peterson's quote is the first sentence of a section of his book, but not the first of the whole book.
macboot ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 22:11:35 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, but there is an award for worst sex scene in literature every year. Those entries are fun to read, but I can't remember the title of the contest.
jag_ett ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 22:42:02 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those entries are fun to read, but I can't remember the title of the contest.
Someone needs to introduce them to Sword Art Online Chapter 16.5. It's bad, real bad.
For starters, "Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into Asuna." No, just no. Technically, it's fan-fiction written by the original author, so maybe it doesn't count. That said, it was written, and put online. It's fair game as far as I'm concerned.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reading List of the Lost by Morrissey, which was nominated. It's terrible, not just for the sex scene.
Cactus Fields, a Low-Cost Home for Assisted Senior Living, looms like a large khaki-colored brick isolated against a backdrop of distant ambient light.
First sentence from Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. Don't look more into it if you love your life.
Angel had it bad. She was the type of girl that made men do that little involuntary spastic dance like they've been putting off going to the bathroom for too long, but for sex.
Cars are metal beasts who consume lives in a beastfull manner while us beasts car'fully manipulate the wheel both in the metal beast we're in and the flesh beast we are
snow-ho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Her ass was spongey like cool whip, her dick was covered in marmalde, while she shat out her mornings rasin bran post cereal breakfast.
she had a face like a tractors cam shaft...but no problem, i reaches for my used tesco bag and applied it to the area's of her face less attractive than i was use too...
She woke up inside of a giant uncooked ramen noodles cup, before she could do anything she started to feel a strange thing going inside her, thing she later referred to as a "noodly appendage"
The scarlet moon rose with all the ominous luminosity of a distant cat's eye glowing in the projection of a scarlet moonlight reflected back unto itself
He was so captivated by his dinner companion he could barely comprehend what she was saying, the words spooling out of her mouth like so much sexy nonsense.
I once saw a site that had entries for the second sentence for a long winded first sentence basically saying โit was a dark and stormy night.โ One of the entries had me in stitches and was equally long winded and something like โBut Fypndor, the strongest and bravest of the lamp flames raised up and proclaimed, โNay, tonight shall not be the night of our extinguishmentโ. Wish I could find that but my google-fu has this far failed me.
Last night I had a dream where I was writing this book and then the birds came to take my paper and I died. OUCH!!!!!!!
Another one:
Placeholder text placeholder text my editor's right there need to look busy please remember to delete this text text text text
And another:
In her imagination he was a lioness, except he was a guy so just a bald lion. Wait no lionesses aren't bald are they? Idfk
Another:
[editor's note: this entire first chapter is the author's cat walking on the keyboard, which I couldn't be bothered to remove] ducisjbsjziaAiaIagahskbzjshjwh...
โWe celebrate Fridayโs for the promise of a weekend yet we ignore the inevitability of Monday like it were a Sunday morning conversation with our Saturday night hookupโ
The later entries/selections were pretty weak this year. The contest is up and down in quality, it's worth checking previous years out if you're new. Some truly hilarious lines to be found.
"Humans are to be feared Krash Krondog, they were Greeble Bartlaps from the Derringle Huffleblat, and that squickened his queckles. Let's kill them..."
Striker, bloody straight-razor in hand, looked evilly into the reflectionless mirror in his brotherโs girlfriendโs elf-slaveโs bathroom, and the mirror represented self reflection.
nat2r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ericโsan had only one goal in life: make Kimikoโchan his waifuโchan.
Did anyone get the reference that the checklist one was supposedly making? Only thing I can think of is loss.jpg, but it's not lined up right for that.
You find a cave (youโre a male Halfโelf). The female Fullโelves inside try to restrain their libidos, but thatโs like butterfly nets trying to stop 100 mph of uncooked rice.
I like how a lot of these "worst" first sentences sound like they belong in a Douglas Adams novel... And anyone who says he was even remotely close to being bad at writing is someone who ought not be judging literature on any scale.
I love the whole thing, but I am tickled by โwaddled thirstily byโ in particular.โ Between this and โsexilyโ, perhaps the lesson is that adverbs are the funniest part of speech.โ I will have to ponder this.
I'm not sure you can judge a sentence without context very well. Many of those sentences could work well, depending on what the author was trying to do.
It had always been Merle Manroy's ultimate dream to take a speed of light rocket ride around the sun, but alas, it wouldn't be feasibile due to the sun possessing the ultimate power of over 15 industrial sized halogen bulbs making it the ultimate thorn in the side of Manroy's consciousness.... It was simply too hot for old Merle!
โTexas โCheap Shotโ Jack, the famous Newark poker player, sighed about his life. Matters of the heartโโunlike the hearts he held in his handโโcould not be folded so easily.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, thank you very much! Full disclosure: I recall reading the punchline (stark and dormy night) in something related to this contest when I was a kid (pre-Reddit for sure, probably pre-internet) but I recreated the setup myself. . .๐
_aD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:42 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Being a Star Trek fan, I had to look up the Star Trek entry. The referenced character was played by Teri Hatcher and was a...wait for it...transporter operator. Context makes this entry even more bizarre, if possible
The submissions are pretty funny, but the commentary on them is pretty bad. The editor has a tendency to try to expand on or explain the submissions, which, much like explaining a joke, does not go over very well.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 18:18:15 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Psst - no it's not.
LBJsPNS ยท -96 points ยท Posted at 18:33:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Wikipedia:
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) is a tongue-in-cheek contest, held annually and sponsored by the English Department of San Jose State University in San Jose, California. Entrants are invited "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels" โ that is, deliberately bad.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 121 points ยท Posted at 18:42:59 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Lyttle Lytton Contest, run by Adam Cadre, is a diminutive derivative of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, and was first awarded in the year 2001. Both are tongue-in-cheek contests that take place annually and in which entrants are invited "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." The Lyttle Lytton Contest varies from the Bulwer-Lytton in favoring shorter first sentences, initially limited to 25 words or fewer.
I understand - and often experience - the urge to rush in and condescendingly correct someone whenever it seems the opportunity is presenting itself, but I recommend doing some rudimentary fact-checking just in case before starting to type.
tommytraddles ยท 3444 points ยท Posted at 20:52:29 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The body hit the ground like a garbage bag full of tomato soup; "that was unexpected", thought Skye Jefferson, "I thought he was a robot".
Cocomorph ยท 1610 points ยท Posted at 21:01:15 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little too good; I'd probably read that.
Defector_from_4chan ยท 409 points ยท Posted at 23:49:26 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely sounds a bit Douglas Adams.
BadBetting ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:45:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like Sterling Archer. I thought he was a cyborg Lana what do you mean he can't stand a thousand foot freefall
Draedron ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 09:51:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't"
DeltaPositionReady ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:14:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or Isaac Asimov.
InfernoKoala ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:14:02 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Asimov doesn't quite have the comedy that is in that line, although the scene seems appropriate for him, yes.
Moneroguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:34:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My thoughts exactly
oxpoleon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:15:08 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It really does sound like something Adams would have written.
troggysofa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:29:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It really doesn't though
rootednewt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was just going to say this
TothB ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:50:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hell yeah I'd read that. It sounds like the book equivalent of a fast and furious movie.
mynameisblanked ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:45:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lot if these come across as comedy.
I wonder if it's even possible to write something so bad and have it definitely not be taken as comedy.
_aD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:10:08 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank the lords. I read some of those entries thinking "No, no no no no. Now I want to read the book!" I'm not alone. For this I'm thankful.
Vio_ ยท 384 points ยท Posted at 21:07:54 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Change the name to Sterling Archer, and it makes total sense.
honeybadgerrrr ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 01:21:08 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can hear it.
Dreznych ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:08:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They actually do this bit in Frisky Dingo
querotacobell ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:57:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which episode? (If youโre not pulling my leg)
Dreznych ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:47:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Xander makes a few scattered references to thinking the Xtacles are robots, and then in season 2 episode 2 "The Opposition" he "takes apart" one of them, getting "hydraulic fluid" everywhere
clockworkwalrus ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 21:39:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually really like that.
lilybirdgk ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 22:57:19 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like a Douglas Adams book
karlmarx_moustache ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:54:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or Jasper Fforde
flamingos_world_tour ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:57:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that Slartibartfast's son?
mcguire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:45:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I think he's Welsh...
DestryDanger ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:00:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd read the fuck out of that book.
bucketbiff ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:09:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
is there a sequel?
tommytraddles ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 22:19:17 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turning to sit down on the ledge atop the Cartridge Corp. building, Skye stroked her chin. "But I guess that explains how I got pregnant".
bucketbiff ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 22:53:50 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
take my money you bastard...
flamingos_world_tour ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:59:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're way too good to be attempting bad sentences. You should write a whole book. I'd buy it in a heartbeat.
NamityName ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:21:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to need the rest of that story. I'm hooked.
iowan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:21:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a Catch-22 ripoff:
Kid_Adult ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:20:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eh, I see a similarity but I wouldn't call it a rip-off.
nairebis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in Zapp Brannigan's voice.
Not_A_Master ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sitting here laughing in the dark way too hard
ExtraTerrestriaI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is funny for all the right reasons.
SuperHawkk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I too have read the list of 50 worst metaphors written by students..
Moneroguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Id read it
Rabid-Duck-King ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like solid Blade Runner Fan Fic.
earthwormjimwow ยท 10037 points ยท Posted at 20:56:51 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not from this year, but this one always gets me.
FranceisBakin ยท 2115 points ยท Posted at 21:20:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno if I read this I would assume the book was hilarious.
LiverCancerGuy ยท 331 points ยท Posted at 02:07:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like something Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams would write.
Lexsizzle ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 02:59:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or Kurt Vonnegut
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 10:09:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So it goes.
samx3i ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:47:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poo-tee-weet.
vhite ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:16:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be honest, lot of these sound like something Douglas Adams would write.
ZhouLe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:40:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking some lost John Kennedy Toole masterpiece.
RedBunny22 ยท 332 points ยท Posted at 23:31:51 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha same. Now I actually want to read it
ScientificMeth0d ยท 347 points ยท Posted at 00:56:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll help you out.
CptnStarkos ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 02:19:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow. Thank you!.
darkwing03 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:04:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Be careful. It's against the law to distribute copyrighted works. You should delete this before the FBI gets you.
ALargeRock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The end.
BlackDeath3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As good as I expected, maybe better.
zPuma_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like it was a bad typo. "Did you mean brooding, sir?" "same thing isn't it?" -_-
poo-poo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:41:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The rest of the book is probably contained in "My Dad Wrote a Porno."
[deleted] ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 02:11:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
deadbirdskeleton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hahaha, I thought the exact same thing
Tyler_Zoro ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:04:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of the winners would make excellent intros for parodies. It's a line you can't really help but cross.
overactive-bladder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i actually love this sense of humor. would read the whole novel and the 10 sequels.
Skeet_fighter ยท 486 points ยท Posted at 21:31:39 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you ovulate loudly?
earthwormjimwow ยท 513 points ยท Posted at 21:32:54 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's only 5 words, but raises so many questions.
sprucenoose ยท 593 points ยท Posted at 23:15:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"She got a standing ovulation."
Dark_Irish_Beard ยท 337 points ยท Posted at 23:38:42 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"The audience egged her on."
InternationalToque ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:34:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"She knew she shouldn't, but she put all her eggs in one basket that night"
snarkamedes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:31:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY. Any sentence about ovulation should end in a period.
InternationalToque ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:48 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fair eggnough my friend
xLabrinthx ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:21:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does that have to do with anyth- oh god dammit.
Dark_Irish_Beard ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:27:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You'll need to have a more fecund wit to keep up here.
kg19311 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:42:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After a pregnant pause, I just looked up fecund and I see what you did there.
Darth_Bannon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:59:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โAnd she ended up with egg on her face.โ
NotTheCrawTheCraw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โAnd she ended up with fertilizer
eggon her face.โvendetta2115 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:50:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โShe bowed for the meat curtain call.โ
Crique_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You might say, she was a bit eggcentric
Sarsoar ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 00:52:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You cant get pregnant if you do it standing up. So a standing ovulation is probably the way to go.
Source: im a virgin 12 year old.
Darth_Bannon ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 02:00:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre a smart kid, youโll make a great parent one day...soon.
CptnStarkos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:20:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In less than 1,000 nights, your parents would receive a great notice!
Lawsuitup ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:37:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like how you can't get pregnant if she's on top. That's just gravity.
[Knocked Up]
DaddyCatALSO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:21:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tell that to Linda Hamilton in Terminator.... (side light; that's the name I always use for that position, Linda Hamiltoning.)
Lawsuitup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:39:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Major plothole!
Well its just a joke from knocked up
DaddyCatALSO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotcha.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:04:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BarronMind ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:00:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would the average person describe this bus as being on the shortish side?
professorkr ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 00:03:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I spent way too long thinking about the fact that "can you ovulate loudly" is only 4 words.
Mello-Fello ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:17:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The pregnant pause beforehand counts as a word.
InukChinook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:39:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/thread
Atlasatlastatleast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:24:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you ovulate loudly?
Can you ovulate loudly?
Can you ovulate loudly?
Can you ovulate loudly?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why?
coolguy420weed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:50:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you ovulate loudly? Has this person ever met a woman? What are the odds Jennifer has other character traits beyond "ovulates" and "is quiet"?
overactive-bladder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
super hermetic prose.
[deleted] ยท 109 points ยท Posted at 22:30:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Sarah-rah-rah ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 23:01:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And these cramps are loud? Is your egg making noises as it gnaws at your insides? Must be awkward during meetings.
captz55 ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 23:13:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Our screams of pain are louder, js
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:24:08 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So are ur moms lmao ha ha ha
illustratemyface ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:45:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No u
agree-with-you ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you both
agree-with-you ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you both
GachiGachiFireBall ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
are ur moms lmao ha ha ha
GachiGachiFireBall ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ur moms lmao ha ha ha
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 23:49:11 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Kinglink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:19:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So does sex with me.
But that's because I'm really bad at sex.
TwattyDishHandler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:25:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like frying bacon
foreignfishes ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 00:40:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ovulation pain actually has an awesome name, it's called mittelschmerz.
findingbezu ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:31:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ethel Mertzโs pain-in-the-ovary sister.
punromantic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:44:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is what keeps me going through the pain.
Nikki-is-sweet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It means Middle Pain!
natman2939 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:21:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Since the entire idea of human female ovulation is for it to be mostly a secret, I wonder if it's possible these cramps could give it away and have males perk up like "What's that? A cramp! I think we have a ripe one here."
chikazukichi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:43:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think we have a ripe one here
I lolโed
woodcarpet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In German, that's called Mittelschmerz
MangoBitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got them too when I hand an IUD. Don't get them anymore though.
Now I just have horrifically painful periods instead!
tsadecoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:56 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They have an entertaining medical term: Mittelschmerz
EyonTheGod ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:08:22 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
jessimmerose ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 22:59:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
one time my neighbors called the cops because I was screaming in pain so loudly. so yes.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:09:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nocontext
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:52:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
lomadoc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:59:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here here
BrushGoodDar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:52:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Birds can.
HittingSmoke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. It usually takes the form of loud noises that resemble a human woman asking me to go to the store to buy chocolate and cheesecake about two weeks after ovulation.
-Arniox- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
James stood there silently ovulating whilst loudly lactating.
gromwell_grouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, by moaning throatily as you lust for impegnation.
Rabid-Duck-King ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you listen closely it's like hearing popcorn pop in the microwave.
luzbel117 ยท 423 points ยท Posted at 21:16:09 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And we got a winner
Hugo154 ยท 250 points ยท Posted at 22:51:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The guy who runs the contest wrote that one as an example, iirc. Still amazing, though.
Sergerant_Sarcasm ยท 127 points ยท Posted at 23:08:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coaches never play.
ptgkbgte ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:35:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, teach P.E.
ILoveWildlife ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 01:11:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember reading "bad analogies" and one that made me laugh was "the lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object"
PM_ME_OPPAI ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 12:11:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one is pure gold.
DaddyCatALSO ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:23:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I assume that's form a real book or story, since the contest is only for a single sentence.
PM_ME_OPPAI ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:35:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not from the contest, it's from the list linked in the comment I replied to, about bad analogies in highschool papers.
DaddyCatALSO ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:49:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, I started thinking that about halfway down the page scrolling.
blind_duck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The thing is, that makes perfect sense to me.
Back in college, I'd visit my Grandparents over the Christmas break. One of the worst things was that flying from the Pacific to the Eastern time zone meant that I was roused from my spot on the fold-out sofa by the smell of coffee at what was usually 4 AM. Even worse than that though was that Jeopardy came on before Wheel of Fortune. That, above even the time difference, made the world seem somehow fake and wrong.
earthwormjimwow ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:15:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I swear that's a line from a Dan Brown novel, not a high school paper.
BoringIntelectual ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:35:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this from Douglas Adams: "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
dovemans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:41:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
jnerst ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:58:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's hilarious, not bad.
ziiguy92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yyeesss. Just posted about that one hahaha
zaffiro_in_giro ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 21:58:24 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh God, I desperately needed this laugh today. Thank you.
papawarbucks ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:00:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually Good! I would keep reading 100%
IKindaLikeRunning ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:36:48 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I'm confused because that actually makes me want to read more.
harlequinnx ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:22:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, Adam Cadre is actually really well-known in the interactive fiction world for his text adventure games.
earthwormjimwow ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:23:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, he also created this award too.
Toisty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:54:13 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I'm imagining the sound of a hunger grumble interrupting a board meeting or something and everyone stops and looks at Heather who says, "Ugh, I think I just ovulated."
kmillay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one has be absolutely cackling.
We_Hold_These_Truths ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife and I have tears coming from our eyes after reading that.
The_0range_Menace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:56 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel weak reading this. Glad I'm sitting down. Incroyable.
PrehensileUvula ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:28:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite of all time.
kuthedk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:58:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That made me laugh so hard that I peed a bit...
starstrewn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank god she wasn't loudly ovulating. Jesus Christ, Jen, can you keep it down?
netarchaeology ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:13 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oddly enough I know how that feels....
Richard7666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I reckon 80% of redditors could come up with something like that easily enough. In fact, just read a few comments down and I guarantee there'll be gold.
funkybum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NickYoungWat?.gif
TonicAndDjinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think my favourite has always been Comrade Todd.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DaddyCatALSO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Arms around each others shoulders, heads turned slightly to face each other, they reached down, finding their own places."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:03:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs one of the funniest things Iโve ever read thanks
KoolSaifMohd123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joe stood there, quietly producing sperm.
ziiguy92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read a line once that went along the lines of:
"The lamp just stood there, like an inanimate object"
Brenzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this the same Adam Cadre that makes interactive fiction games?
[deleted] ยท 1541 points ยท Posted at 22:29:48 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Bulwer-Lytton "purple prose" contest is also hilarious.
My personal favorite is the 2008 winner:
floatingwithobrien ยท 438 points ยท Posted at 01:29:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is this both so awful and so good at the same time. Fuck yes
Wadriner ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 03:09:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It reminds me of Neuromancer by William Gibson, I liked the descriptions a lot but I thought they stole the focus from the story being told.
Reddit_beard ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 04:37:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually want to read further exposition about the manhole company. Tell me the entire story of that company for a few hundred pages. Then, just pick right up where we left off with our New York love affair.
Downvoted_Defender ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 08:23:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The old Moby Dick approach.
Ionray244 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:07:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/insert whale encyclopedia here/
kazuasaurus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:07:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you're on to something
sirthunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. A Nicholson Baker fan, I see.
kethian ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:21:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rain Man Noir
mordiksplz ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:19:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i think this is just good tbh
MawsonAntarctica ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 13:48:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one from 2015 is ACTUALLY GOOD:
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 14:02:05 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it still strikes that fun balance between being entertaining and flawed. It has some ridiculous bits like the needlessly specific car parts/models and the fact that the whole thing is one run-on sentence.
theredheadted ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:18:11 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh come on, It's a fun-on sentence!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:24:33 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, if I could award you my username I would.
Dude-man-guy ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:21:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sums up every summer reading book I ever had to read.
LDeirdreSkye ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:15:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The problem with a purple prose contest is that many people would actually want to read stories written like this.
upvoter1542 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:55:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I threw up in a mouth a little at the image of moist breath exhaled through manhole covers.
The_hat_man74 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:16:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You sure this isnโt from a 50 shades book? ๐
DaddyCatALSO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:27:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I screwed up when I submitted an entry; the sentence was labored and elaborate but not actually funny, just ordinary description.
TheNamesClove ยท 4446 points ยท Posted at 21:36:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The wizardโs beard was long, much like Gandalfโs in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, who was also a wizard
Not sure why this one got me so good.
aabicus ยท 691 points ยท Posted at 23:38:56 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My personal favorite was
But I wish he'd set it in the Arctic so he'd be making the classic "penguins don't live in the arctic" error
sirxez ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 02:43:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Plus the artic isn't a continent, so it would have been double plus good.
TheNamesClove ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:53:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good wordery
xporb ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:07:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Arctic isn't a continent, and Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.
VerySecretCactus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:52 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Masterful bookcraft
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:36:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
looks like somebody's never been to Artica...
PhosBringer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:25:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a penguin waddle thristily lool
7LeagueBoots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:06:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish he'd added an 'n' to Antarctica... the southern continent needs its own language.
Harsimaja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We need to ship a bunch of penguins to the Arctic and polar bears to the Antarctic just to spite people on this point. They've already sent a bunch of Chinese tigers to a reserve in South Africa.
PrinceOfCups13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel personally attacked by this one
layers_of_onions ยท 459 points ยท Posted at 00:06:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โJohn and marry had never met. They were like two humming birds that had also never met.โ Always my favorite.
raresaturn ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 00:21:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's very Douglas Adams...maybe deliberate?
TheNamesClove ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 02:56:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was going to say it reminds me of his style.
โThe ships hung in the sky in much the way bricks donโt.โ
This one always stuck with me.
Edit: Skipped a word
xporb ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 06:08:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And also
"...almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea."
layers_of_onions ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. Well heโs right.
layers_of_onions ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:37:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk. I just remember seeing it posted as students works.
kane49 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:08:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Many of those are
tickingboxes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:16:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The problem with these is that they're obviously on purpose, thus making them really good. I'm looking for the cringey bad ones, the ones that don't feel like they were written by a comedy writer.
Dangerous_Wishbone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was just thinking of this exact quote!
panzybear ยท 1259 points ยท Posted at 22:49:46 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like something from Ready Player One
Diablo3sux ยท 308 points ยท Posted at 22:56:04 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shots fired
panzybear ยท 385 points ยท Posted at 23:01:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a lot I like about RPO. The prose is not one of those things, unfortunately.
Natedogg2 ยท 1672 points ยท Posted at 23:41:56 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So...you're saying the prose has its cons?
EDIT: Whee, double gold! Thanks!
echobase7 ยท 194 points ยท Posted at 23:46:15 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck you. Take my upvote.
RedFyl ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:04:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Redditors multitasking...love it!
DestryDanger ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 23:52:34 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get out.
meatball2008 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you
perfectfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:05 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You just had to regulate didn't you?
brainstorm42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How long did you wait to use this?
a_rainbow_serpent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:36 on May 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, it could be verse.
Dresden89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:59 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
FrankNix ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:24 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is this not the top comment?
RedXabier ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:47:43 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it can't be the top comment?
FrankNix ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:49:04 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if we all clap our hands and say "I believe!"?
RedXabier ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:02:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that just might work
chris5311 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 19:19:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please remove you edit. It ruins you whole comment. Please put stuff like that as a comment.
thejed129 ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 23:49:47 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the book my favourite thing is whenever the main character comes into contact with both or either of the Japanese brothers, he turns into an American Japanese stereotype
with the bowing and the addition of -san to the end of names and shit, it really kills the tone in some scenes
Tofinochris ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 02:45:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kills the tone of READY PLAYER ONE? Him going full weeb the second he sees someone Japanese is completely in the tone of that book. I don't mean that as a compliment to it, either.
SimplyQuid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love the book but yeah, that's pretty much expected.
elkniodaphs ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:59:40 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I liken Ready Player One to candy. Sweet, sweet candy, but very bad for your head.
raresaturn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:18:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Examples? I don't recall any particularly bad prose
LessThanCleverName ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:53:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs been a while since I read RPO, but literally every description in Armada was just โ[object] looked like [object from popular sci-fi or fantasy movie/book/etc]โ.
I rented the audiobook, so I canโt give you an exact quote, but I feel like anyone who has read it will know exactly what Iโm talking about. Laziest book Iโve ever read/listened too.
Reddit_beard ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theres something to be said about discussing the laziness of a piece of writing that you listened to rather than read. I'm not sure what, but it's something.
LessThanCleverName ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:38:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There really isnโt actually, especially considering I listen to audiobooks for the exact reason that I can do it while also doing other things.
Reddit_beard ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:45:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, the shitty sentences inspired me to make a shitty joke.
LessThanCleverName ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fair enough!
Terminus_Est_Eterne ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:46:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The example is the entire book.
raresaturn ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:48:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's a cop out
Terminus_Est_Eterne ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:26:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the pages-long description of the DeLorean that the main character bought and all the modifications he made to it, none of which are ever brought up or relevant again, is one particularly egregious example.
raresaturn ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 03:27:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that an insight into character?
BenjamintheFox ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:01:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's an insight into the author's character.
TheWastelandWizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Like Han Solo, from Star Wars, Fired first"
-Badger2- ยท 215 points ยท Posted at 23:26:49 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pandering!: The Novel
zherok ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 01:33:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Validate My Childhood Nostalgia: The Novel, imo. It's definitely pandering, but I doubt he went out of his way to read up or see material that he hadn't already been familiar with.
Redeem123 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 06:57:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly this. The infamous page, just an endless list of pop culture references. Theyโre mostly very obvious mainstream, but also random shit like him listing directors (Lucas, Spielberg, Hughes) and ending with the mind boggling statement: โand of course, Kevin Smith.โ Because of course - who could forget Kevin Smith, the king of nerd culture and 80s movies?
But the kicker is that after a whole page of that shit, he dedicates one line to Japan, combining live action and anime, only listing the obvious stuff. And then thereโs the line โI read every issue of every comic book Halliday had ever collected.โ
Thatโs his entire mention of comic books. Itโs clear that Cline isnโt much of a comic fan (and thatโs fine, but do some research) and didnโt feel like digging in. He didnโt even mention Watchmen or Dark Knight Returns or Born Again or Secret Wars of COIE, the last of which Halliday certainly wouldโve loved. He couldโve gone down to page 2 of google and found Squadron Supreme or Miracleman.
Itโs a fine book, and definitely a fun read, but itโs just Cline writing himself into a fantasy. Itโs extremely apparent, especially after reading Armada, that he shares all the opinions of the MC and didnโt bother to make the character any different than himself.
zherok ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:12:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that so much of the hero's talent essentially comes down to a savant-like ability to have seemingly everything he's ever watched or read memorized is kind of what ruins it all for me.
There's a great podcast by two of the MST3k guys on both of Cline's books and they do a pretty good job of talking about just how bad a writer he is.
The book isn't impossible to enjoy, but it's very much on the level of elevated fan fiction, in a big way. There's a lot of cool things that could be done with the premise that apparently never occur to the writer.
I think it's actually a problem that you see in a lot of anime that happen to be about virtual worlds, where the author just uses the premise of a virtual world to tie modern culture to say, a high fantasy medieval setting. Here it's Cline just using it as a vehicle to wax nostalgic about all the movies he enjoyed growing up in the 80's.
He has nothing interesting to say how the Oasis really works or how society functions being so tethered to a virtual reality rather than the problems of the real world (he mentions in passing the fact that nuclear weapons have been used sometime in the past, but despite the crapsack state he creates for his hero, apparently the US is doing well enough in the 2040's to elect Wil Wheaton of all people President.)
Redeem123 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:18:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs one of the things the movie definitely improved on. Yeah, Wade and the others still had a near-encyclopedic knowledge of Halliday and nerd culture, but it wasnโt AS bad. The worst sequence in the book for me was the second challenge, where they had to act out War Games word for word. I donโt care how many times youโve seen your favorite movie - you canโt do that.
Wade is basically the result of using cheat codes to give your character 99 in all abilities.
waterclosetlurker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:30:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a fan of Ready Player One either, but you can totally memorize every word of a movie if you watch it enough. Please don't ask me how I know. It's one of my many secret shames.
Redeem123 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:56:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If itโs your sole dedication for a while? Sure, itโs possible. Iโve seen Dumb and Dumber a whole bunch of times, and can quote at least part of most scenes, even whole monologues, but it would take dedicated studying, not just rewatching for fun, to actually know every line by every character.
The implication here is that, while studying every facet of Hallidayโs life - not only playing, but mastering every video game he mentioned; watching every movie and TV show he liked; reading all the books and comics he owned; learning his entire life and family history - Wade was able to not only memorize War Games word for word, but apparently several other movies, unless weโre supposed to believe this just happened to be the only one he had perfect knowledge of. But considering he describes it as โone of Hallidayโs favorite movies,โ itโs safe to assume this wasnโt a one time thing.
Wade is perfect in his knowledge of the game. His only โflawโ is that heโs overweight - but oh wait, he not only loses weight but gets shredded with ease simply because he decided to. The other main charactersโ big flaws are pretending to be a dude online and having a port wine stain on her face. Oh, and theyโre also near-perfect at the game, but not quite as perfect as our hero.
waterclosetlurker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, I agree with everything you're saying, hence my "I'm not a fan of Ready Player One either". The overweight -> shredded thing was so much wish fulfillment that I nearly threw the book into the figurative fireplace.
All I'm saying is that it's absolutely not impossible to memorize all the lines of a single movie. And you don't have to do any dedicated studying because I once played the same movie in the background for 18 hours a day for a week while I studied for finals and when I was done, I had passed all my classes and internalized all the lines of the movie. It's not impossible at all. You're also not going to like the movie anymore after all of that either.
Deusseven ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:19:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The thing that I noticed most about RPO, is it shows what a weird cultural desert all our media exists in.
Media does not reference other media. Even if RPO was a pretty mediocre book with mediocre writing, it at least was refreshingly groundbreaking in this one axis.
We'll look back on this past 50 years and see very little stuff made that even acknowledges other stuff has been made.
eg: people in movies have not seen other movies, even if its directly relevant like a zombie movie. THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY WEIRD.
It's kinda easy to see how we got this way though - They had to make several entire production companies just to get all the licensing and copyright issues sorted out to make the RPO movie.
awry_lynx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah this is very true.
Especially in horror films lmao
7LeagueBoots ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:05:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was one of the things that bothered me about it. It was all very mainstream 80s references, nothing really out of the primary spectrum.
zherok ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 06:51:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the worst offense Cline commits is having nothing interesting to say about anything he references. He goes out of his way to make sure the reader knows what he's referencing, but then mostly leaves it at that. There's no insight or even particularly interesting commentary on the stuff he mentions.
Cline also has a particular talent for deflating all possible tension from his novel by ensuring there's not the slightest possibility that his hero will be unprepared for the hurdles before him.
AtemsMemories ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:44:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You mean you didnโt like the part where he overcame poverty and then proceeded to pay his way past every other hurdle in his life? Or when he got ripped by playing video games? Or when he hacked Evil Corporationโs ultra-secure network through a TV, with a handwaved explanation of โprogrammers left a backdoorโ? Or when he epicPWN3D the never-to-be-seen-again rival character at the beginning by memorizing something obscure?
The references felt like Mad Libs, with the exception of one at the very end. The dipshit brigade is arriving at Co-Creatorโs McMansion and H says โOh the garden looks like [that Lord of the Rings place]โ. I was pleasantly surprised that we didnโt get a full Wikipedia page description of the place, until the next sentence when Wade says โah yes [Lord of the Ring place], from Lord of the Rings, his wifeโs favorite book series.โ I just got so angry I couldnโt even bring myself to do anything
zherok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:52:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For a book meant to evoke nostalgia, Cline seems incapable of trusting the reader to get any of them that he hasn't clarified and specifically told you what series they come from.
So he can never just describe the Delorean from Back to the Future, he has to tell you it's from Back to the Future even though by then it's obvious.
hoilst ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 23:45:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/writingprompts: The Novel.
Jaredlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From a marketing perspective, I suppose all novels are pandering. Why write a book with no audience?
-Badger2- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the difference between writing a book for an audience and writing a book at an audience.
It's only for them on the most superfical level imaginable. It's like Clinton took her "Pokemon Go! to the polls!" quote and wrote an entire Pokemon Novel based on it.
falconview ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 23:18:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
too fucking real
JasonDJ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:40:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like if Peter Griffen described Dumbledore in the style of the Star Wars episodes.
pleatgee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof
[deleted] ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 02:46:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"The man was as tall as a 6 foot tall cactus."
CaptainTudmoke ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:43:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wrote this! Thank you!
I figured it wouldn't make it into the 2018 batch because there was a very similar Harry Potter-related one last year, but thanks to the new section, I was able to make the cut once again. Here's to another 12 months of writing and rewriting single sentences.
TheNamesClove ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:50:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs awesome. Good luck next year, Iโll keep an eye out for yours. I might even give it a try myself.
CaptainTudmoke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Behind-the-scenes fun fact: my biggest point of indecision was whether it should be "Gandalf" or "Gandalf's". Both have an unclear antecedent, but I had to decide whether "Gandalf was long" or "the beard was a wizard" was a funnier implication.
rotatingmonster ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:45:28 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ready Player One?
inky95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you'd enjoy the intellectual musings of Philomena Cunke.
fubarecognition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd read that book.
newsensequeen ยท 4514 points ยท Posted at 20:43:40 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
David: Suppose I could spare a few seconds for some pure, uninterrupted ploughing.
medioxcore ยท 324 points ยท Posted at 23:30:07 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, these are better than actual good writing.
The_0range_Menace ยท 195 points ยท Posted at 02:56:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The thing is, you can't write a truly bad sentence that makes somebody want to laugh without being aware of what you're doing.
In other words, they are good writers playing around.
JawsyMotor ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 08:12:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Although the "found" portion of the contest shows so pretty great examples of unintended & bad sentences.
medioxcore ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:51:56 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well yeah, lol. That's the same in any craft. You have to know why things work in order to break the rules in creative ways.
The_0range_Menace ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:04:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry. I know that was a bit obvious now that I read it back.
ExtraTerrestriaI ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:48:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one had me in tears.
Drakefoxaroo ยท 469 points ยท Posted at 20:50:51 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah fuck, when imagining this I added a Southern twang and spit my drink all over my screen.
[deleted] ยท 87 points ยท Posted at 01:16:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I defaulted to a female cross between Simple Jack and Forrest Gump and now I can't stop laughing.
zophan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:46:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus.. Simple Jack was my goto. I spent a good 3 minutes vibrating trying not to wake my wife up in bed beside me.
AlamutJones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:05:21 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She wouldnโt enjoy a dose of vibration? No even from a tractor engine? :P
Ninefingies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:18:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesse From Toy Story.
Consonant ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:40:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ya I hear it in Dolores' voice from Westworld
...slightly aroused
Bruldin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:07:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read it once and chuckled. Turned to read it out loud to my wife. Caught the โno moreโ Iโd missed the first time, and could barely get through it for laughing so hard.
FurnaceFuneral ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spit your โdrankโ
istasber ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 20:45:37 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But she said she didn't want to farm any more.
Rivers_On_Fire ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 00:19:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs farm or be farmed.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:12:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do I want to get a tattoo of this phrase
Rivers_On_Fire ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:51:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because youโre awesome.
JawsyMotor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Farm you, you farmer!!
PrettySureIParty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's really not
lomadoc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like something somebody who doesn't party would say...
centersolace ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:08:39 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pruning the bush isn't necessarily farming.
BananaNutJob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:49:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about harvesting dingleberries?
Johnny_Mc2 ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 21:06:16 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm in public and Iโm trying to contain my laughter from this page. This is the greatest shit ever. Would be great if we could get a crossover novel of this farmer couple and Agent Gunner Storm next year
Eyedisagreewitchu ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:10:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I'll be out back with the hoe" he added
ScientificMeth0d ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:56:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like a line from Ben Stiller's award winning movie Simple Jack.
Goodbye_Hercules ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:25:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All I can see now is Lennie barging onto the farm and looking for rabbits
MrGMinor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:43:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like the Big Pun song.
I don't wanna be a farmer no more.
I'm not a farmer I just plow a lot.
klawd11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:18:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was trying to drink water from a glass bottle when I read this, I slammed the bottle on my teeth almost chipping one. Still worth it.
Kenyanguyhere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:34:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is fantastic
walterpeck1 ยท 5299 points ยท Posted at 19:40:18 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'merica
cfryant ยท 1460 points ยท Posted at 20:26:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't tell if he's raping or killing the terrorist.
walterpeck1 ยท 1103 points ยท Posted at 20:28:11 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
Hrimnir ยท 297 points ยท Posted at 21:55:45 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love when this response is able to be used properly
AlmostButNotQuit ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:43:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
Black_Floyd47 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:52:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out, but I'm still skeptical...
thenerdydovah ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 22:25:13 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/inclusiveor
KBPrinceO ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 23:08:37 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a long-extinct, extremely open, congenial, and warm giant lizard
the_lemon_king ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:03:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"in-cloo-SIV-ee-ore"
xporb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:19:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/ษชnหkluหหsษชviษ/
techlos ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:30:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't tell if you're oblivious xor being a cheeky bugger.
cfryant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
OGsambone ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 23:43:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you can't fuck a terrorist until they like hotdogs, baseball, and Apple pie, then why are you even trying?
/s
kdoodlethug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Incidentally, wasn't Osama bin Laden found in a hole with a pack of hot dogs?
7LeagueBoots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you can't pork one...
istasber ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 20:44:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Porque no los dos?
Narwhal9Thousand ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:07:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Por que, not porque. Porque means because, por que means why.
xporb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:23:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit difficult on English keyboards, but there's also an acute accent on the e in quรฉ and an upside down question mark ยฟ at the start of the sentence.
Max_yask ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:08:40 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, now i imagine dora to be the ravaged "terrorist princess".
sppratam ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 21:48:05 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Death by bunga bunga.
MegaEpicThunder ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:45:14 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can it be both?
btribble ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:17:29 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The old definition of โfuckโ was โto stab, as with a knife.โ
-uzo- ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 23:39:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"And in other news, a Palm Springs woman has been charged with fucking her ex-husband 47 times. Locals say she was a quiet woman who kept to herself and went to church on Sundays, and not the kind to fuck someone to death."
Phate4569 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:05:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....brings a whole new meaning to "old enough to bleed, old enough to breed."
General_Confusion02 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:51:21 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/Murcia
MooseCaulk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Choose your own adventures are awesome!!
OmarRIP ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was imagining that heโs undercover and needs to fuck the terrorist princess to maintain his false identity.
_EvryMan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Drill, baby, drill!
ojolejano ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No no no... it just porn...
micromoses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, it's consensual. Consensual killing.
zgh5002 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:14:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard of a murder-rape?
brittaneex ยท 202 points ยท Posted at 21:22:08 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This feels like something Stan Smith would write.
thejed129 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 23:51:15 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was that book wmseries he had again? Patriot pigeon or something? Where it gets rejected constantly
bringsmemes ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:39:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
stan smith would write;
"every confident step ooozed patriotism, his every success sprung forth from his superior moral fiber"
itspeterj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or Brad Thor
byzantinebobby ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 22:48:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This implies that Terrorism is a monarchy.
Rabid-Duck-King ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:36:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What you haven't met the Terrorist King, Lord of all Terror?
byzantinebobby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:42:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, Al'Diabalos (the Lord of Terror) is also a King? Did I miss an expansion where that was explored?
Rabid-Duck-King ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean if you want to tell the Prime Evil he's not king, be my guest.
I'll get a squeegee and a bucket to deal with what's left.
nefariouspenguin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:28:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it only implies that nobility can be terrorists
Tom_The_Human ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I checked, Saudi Arabia had a monarchy.
munificent ยท 202 points ยท Posted at 22:46:57 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite part about this is that he's only imagining one singular breast.
RoboChrist ยท 206 points ยท Posted at 23:35:20 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lady Liberty has one breast exposed in a lot of renditions, that part makes perfect sense.
Aurelion_ ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 02:56:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Perfectly balanced as all things should be
natman2939 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Should've gone for the head
-fallen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:52:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/thanosdidnothingwrong
hairymanbutts ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 21:35:40 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was making love to her and showing her the big, strong, throbbing ways of liberty. This inevitably led to her help in overthrowing her terrorist king father, ending the war.
Kidlike101 ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 21:03:36 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FREEDOM! he yelled as he reached climax drowning out the wails and pleas of the terrorist princess.
vVwWWwVv ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:47:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Victory for the forces of democratic freedom!"
zaminDDH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Agent Storm wipes a single tear from his eye. "Mission Accomplished", he whispers to himself.
Lan777 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:08 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I cant tell if this one or the "steel beams of my heart" one is my favorite
Earl_Harbinger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh John Ringo No!
Acidwits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:37:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Terrorist princess? From the kingdom of Terroria.
southernrail ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:32:58 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha...this is actually a book I would read!!!
Laeryken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did I just read?
LimeyLassen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"terrorist princess"
what a wonderful phrase
Tom_The_Human ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't even bad - it's fucking brilliant satire.
Jaxel_MS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The contest is for worst, not best.
tedwinaslowsby ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:45:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck yeah... Just no poop. Please, no poop.
jazerlu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:45:02 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This. This one had me giggling.
HerbyHoover ยท 2954 points ยท Posted at 20:34:56 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are amazing. How have I never heard of this prestigious contest before?
"You find a cave (youโre a male Halfโelf). The female Fullโelves inside try to restrain their libidos, but thatโs like butterfly nets trying to stop 100 mph of uncooked rice."
Grisanbela ยท 1113 points ยท Posted at 21:12:02 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I noticed that that particular entry was supplied by Allie Brosh, who is notable for creating hyperbole and a half.
I was wondering what happened to her, but it seems she's doing okay.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 514 points ยท Posted at 21:41:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Based on the shit that I've read happened in her life over the last few years I am mostly glad she's alive enough to send one.
Xarithus ยท 181 points ยท Posted at 22:16:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to her?
RaeADropOfGoldenSun ยท 682 points ยท Posted at 22:20:42 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She had really really bad depression. She was just starting to rise out of it, she had announced a new book and made her first new blog post, and then her sister died. Nobody's heard a peep from her since.
3226 ยท 342 points ยท Posted at 22:50:17 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really glad she's still about, even if she's not posting stuff.
I still remember her as the creator of the alot. I like this alot.
AussieBird82 ยท 85 points ยท Posted at 00:14:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this alot too! I miss her and hope she's doing okay.
DeltaPositionReady ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 01:11:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We all miss her. She was wonderful to read in those pre 2010 internet golden years where memes were only rage comics and blogs were worth reading.
NipplesInAJar ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:31:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/Alot
Xarithus ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 22:23:03 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow that's terrible:( glad she's at least doing well enough to submit that entry
darez00 ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 23:33:26 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so sorry for her, Allie is a pretty special kind of person and I wish she's able to get better... maybe she's trying new, shorter formats now... I'm reminded almost daily of her caricatures in one way of another
ForgetfulDoryFish ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 00:04:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think she got divorced, too. I found a page on one of those wedding websites for a guy with the same name as her (ex)husband with a different girl. And the pictures of that guy matched his pictures on twitter.
Sypike ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 01:39:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw her in a Magic: The Gathering doc on Netflix. She's interviewed because she was dating a player in the Hall of Fame, iirc.
The doc was from a couple of years ago, so who knows what's happening.
APiousCultist ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:50:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not true. Her social media has been silent but she's made other appearances since. Latest I could find is a late 2017 podcast.
SRSLY_GUYS_SRSLY ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:12:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Her recovery post felt so forced, I felt so bad because it just sounded like it couldn't last.
hated_in_the_nation ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:21:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does it ever though? It's a lifelong battle.
SRSLY_GUYS_SRSLY ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:33:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely a lifelong battle, but she seemed to be at critical clinical depression and she did not make any use of therapy, medication or support. She decided to not be depressed and forced a smile. At least that's how I remember it reading.
hated_in_the_nation ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:40:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I remember reading the post, but not the specifics. But I do recall getting a similar vibe and thinking like, "are you sure you're ok?"
TiagoTiagoT ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:(
jessbird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hoooly shit. i didn't realize her sister died. that's so devastating. :(
TiggerTriggers ยท 103 points ยท Posted at 23:00:22 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just checked out hyperbole and a half. I am in tears from laughter. Thank you, my day is made!
makemisteaks ยท 87 points ยท Posted at 23:34:32 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get the book if you can. There's lots of extra stories, all as hilarious as the ones on her site.
rosypineapple ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:12:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a signed copy of the book. Itโs one of my prized possessions.
wRayden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be honest the book seemed pretty short and I didn't feel like you miss much if you just read the blog. But I was happy to support her and just gifted it to a friend that was unfamiliar with it.
Nibiria ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:40:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The depression comic (two parts) is one of my favorite pieces of content ever. Really great mix of humor and just pure honesty, I've never laughed at and related to something so much in my life.
SvedishFish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:20:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha can we just award her Winner of the Internet yet? I don't think I've ever read something she wrote without laughing hysterically.
AintNobody- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:58:02 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I noticed the "hyperbole and a half" drop in the article; I thought it was just a reference. Totally skipped over the author of the next entry. Wow!
p44v9n ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The commentator references it..
eatingofbirds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So weird, I reread some hyperbole and a half about an hour ago and was wondering if she was doing okay.
AStudyinBlueBoxes ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:16:35 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have that book, and it seemed like she was someone who had a mental illness/divergence and was being either really specific or really vague about it.
endorphius ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 22:08:57 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh? She was very upfront about her mental illness in her blog.
AStudyinBlueBoxes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:51:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I don't know why I forgot about everything- I am bad at reading comprehension sometimes and I'm sorry for being dumb.
SoxxoxSmox ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 22:11:21 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's like 2 chapters in the book just about living with depression
3226 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:48:42 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really specific it is then.
AStudyinBlueBoxes ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:51:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I'm wondering if I actually read the book or just looked at the comics. Time to read it again, maybe I'll get something out of it this time. Sorry for my poor reading comprehension.
Dan-tastico ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 21:05:28 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, i am all too familiar with the elven uncooked rice libido.
geckospots ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 21:48:24 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/nocontext
AlmennDulnefni ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:49 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, rice. I read it as ice several times. A reading which I think makes it even worse and am quite sure makes it more confusing.
Once_An_Optimist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck, I read eleven uncooked rice dildo. I gotta stop drinking beer during the day
nesagwa ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 21:08:54 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check out the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest too, which is the same concept but established in the 1980s and favors longer sentences.
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/winners.html
HerbyHoover ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 21:10:53 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the link, you've given me some reading material for this afternoon.
"Although in the rusty tackle-box of his mind he yearned to be a #3 buck-tail spinner, Bob knew deep down he must accept his cruel fate as a bottom bouncer rig, forever destined to scrape the muddy bottom of the river of life."
AStudyinBlueBoxes ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 21:17:16 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I now know that I can never be a writer, because that seemed like a good sentence to me.
victorvscn ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 23:41:08 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, in a way, taste in art is entirely subjective. Nothing wrong with liking what's largely considered bad.
Snarklord ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:47:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean people listen to ICP
literally_a_possum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought many of these could work as comedy, but if that isn't what the writer was going for...
KingSix_o_Things ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless it's Nazi propoganda. But even then you could argue that they had a certain sense of style.
psykick32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, I understand (I think) what the sentence was trying to convey. I didn't think it was that bad...
Owyn_Merrilin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:52:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's an overwrought but perfectly understandable metaphor.
Edit: Apparently it's a purple prose contest, which is a little more specific than just bad writing in general. That is absolutely an example of purple prose.
Ramblonius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:24:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Post-Hemingway most English-speaking writers strive for sentences to be as short and clear as possible. It conveys thoughts more clearly. It is easier to follow. The reader doesn't get confused or tired.
That said, it is not neccessarily a universal law of writing that shorter sentences should always be desirable, indeed there are writers today trying to rehabilitate what has long been called 'purple prose', most notably writers in the 'New Weird' genre there are authors such as China Mieville who write more like post-modern Lovecraft than Hemingway, but even if you do write long, run-on sentences, there is supposed to be a certain rythm and clarity in the sentence, so that the reader doesn't have to stumble over the sentence in jumps and gaps, which the sentence used in the OP certainly lacks, and I also think the word 'sussuration', or 'oblique' should be included into this self-demonstrating example.
cattleyo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not really bad writing. It's humour (deliberately exaggerated use of fishing metaphors) written in a way that lets us know the author actually has good command of the medium. I.e. good writing (if frivolous) thinly disguised as bad writing.
Swallowing_Dramamine ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:16:02 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Detective Robertson knew he had Joyce Winters dead to rights for the murderโat the crime scene he had found Wintersโ fingerprints, shell casings matching the gun registered to her, and, most damning of all, a Starbucks cup with the name โJosieโ scrawled on it."
nicky_bags ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:46:09 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit these are way better, I can't stop laughing.
CBTBen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:45 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. This is the one I know of and was confused by the "Lyttle" moniker.
AnditCronedMe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:05:48 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same - I thought โwe have two of these contests now???โ
Son_of_Kong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually didn't realize OP was a different contest. Didn't know there were two of them.
PersonalHello ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:40:53 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
10/10 with rice
embarrassed420 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:23:05 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand why but I can't stop laughing at just this part of the quote. So fucking funny
ThatOtherGuy_CA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:23:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know you could measure rice in speed!
forgetfulcoder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:37:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works
soundstesty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:34:46 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much space does 100 mph of uncooked rice take up?
6J0ker9 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:52:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the inverse rice law. As rice approaches 120mph its size decreases proportianoly to the square root of 1/(120-v)
ghostgirl16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also goes by the name of the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest.
lead999x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like the beginning of an anime...
worldofsmut ยท 1474 points ยท Posted at 21:33:14 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let me tell you about Sally. Her tits were good.
-Sam Kabo Ashwell
Aeneis ยท 304 points ยท Posted at 23:16:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like those Game of Thrones meme subreddits found this contest.
KhaleesiofDothraki1 ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 00:06:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks the gods for Sally. And her tits.
sakdfghjsdjfahbgsdf ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 01:25:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
GODS I WAS HUNG THEN
V-Bomber ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:49:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FETCH THE DONG STRETCHER
DJ_Mbengas_Taco ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:20:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WITH A FAT ARSE [CACKLES]
Frsbtime420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:45:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ON AN OPEN FIELD
BurnedOutTriton ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:50:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Her tits were good, it is known.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:12:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Aeneis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You read my mind ;)... fookin' kneeler.
LLcoolL_ ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 23:17:31 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey i think i know her!
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:05:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SexTraumaDental ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:13:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one didn't even seem bad. Succinctly tells me lot about the narrator.
VoodooStudios ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bit like the opening line in the movie Election.
Felaipes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, like a Max Payne kinda line, I like it.
EHP42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's 2 sentences!
ButterKnights ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:44:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-George Costanza
Pyryn ยท 6658 points ยท Posted at 17:59:31 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"She walked in with a dress the paralyzing green of the BlackWidow Ultimate Stealthย 2014ย Edition Elite Mechanical Gaming Keyboard by Razer (4.5ย stars,37ย customer reviews)"
Winner.
psykikduk ยท 1709 points ยท Posted at 20:55:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The scary thing is that while not being an avid gamer I know exactly what that colour is.
onedayAlawyer ยท 540 points ยท Posted at 21:00:37 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's crazy! Seems like yesterday (2006) that Razer Inc was a small Startup, sponsoring even smaller Counterstrike 1.6 and Warcraft III teams, trying to get a foot hold in the gaming community!
QuickBow ยท 262 points ยท Posted at 22:19:45 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And what seems crazy now is their shit tier customer support in the middle of disputing a charge right now :) tried to change 1 part of an order 5 minutes after placing it they said I can't I have to cancel the order and wait 18 days for confirmation they didn't send me the product. Ok whatever I cancel the order, get an email the product is being prepared to ship. Freak out and talk to customer support and cancel the order again. Now I just got emailed that the product has been shipped. And best of all I now have to call FedEx and cancel the shipment because they refuse to do it on their end.
SpecialityToS ยท 322 points ยท Posted at 22:59:36 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs not 25 words or less๐ค
BigBudZombie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:40:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Razer mouse died of static shock. Replaced it with steel series. Never again razer.
15words. *16i_am_pajamas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is for the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
catsrave2 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:03:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seems to be a problem for all peripheral suppliers. Used to be all corsair, but all the stuff stopped working or had quirks that caused me to call. CS was very little help (said it was my fault a RGB feature on my keyboard didn't work when I hooked it into PC), so I jumped ship to Logitech. So far all their products have lasted much longer, but I've heard horror stories of their customer support.
terminbee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:34:51 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, you heard Logitech support is bad? I've only heard great things. They'll warranty the shit out of your stuff. I told them my mouse randomly died and they just sent another one. Didn't even ask me to send in the old one.
catsrave2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:39:39 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No shit? I have only heard anecdotes from friends, but your story makes me think it may be case by case. My friends have had issues involving desk speakers and whatnot, I haven't had a reason to call them yet. Hopefully if I do it wind's up like your situation!
grouchy_fox ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:36:46 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the type of person that never calls CS, but this reminds me of the time I got a K70, plugged it in, and it didn't work. Spent a while trying to figure it out, I just couldn't understand it. Plugged in my old keyboard, no input again. The damn thing had somehow removed all the keyboard drivers from my PC, and it took me embarrassingly long to realise.
fuzzum111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been using Logitech for my headsets for a while and haven't had any major issues. Mostly my own fault when I drop something or break something it's snapping their product it's my fuck up. I'm currently using a g933 Artemis. And I know that I have the RGB features turned off the battery lasts forever. It does seem to have a strange quirk for when it goes to sleep after a designated amount of time. When you wake it up sometimes you have to completely restart the device or it'll be on, but you have no sound.
I however have been using a razor 2016 Ultimate keyboard. It's just green no fancy colors but the only Court I've seen is that the tiki seems to be weird either it double taps or doesn't tap at all. Maybe it's just me being a crappy typist. I've been considering getting a Logitech keyboard because they offer them and blue and that's my favorite color.
Cola_and_Cigarettes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:49:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If it's Bluetooth connected then that's probably a Bluetooth problem. God I can't wait till Bluetooth gets good or replaced, its been decades and it's still just not that good.
fuzzum111 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:02:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bluetooth pretty damn solid. The issue is as I understand it; a majority of Bluetooth devices don't use anything near the most current Bluetooth technology. Throw two or three versions behind the most current stable Bluetooth out there and they don't want to update because it cost money.
This reminds me of the Bose truly Wireless earbuds I was looking at. They are exceptionally expensive, come with a charger case so every time you stick in the case they're charged up. They look really good but the problem is if you do anything other than listen to music they're terrible. Because there's a huge delay between video motion and a sound getting to your earbuds. This would be solved if they use the most current Bluetooth technology or at least alleviated to some degree.
Cola_and_Cigarettes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's just a branding issue. Call it Redtooth or something, market it as being the next Bluetooth, regardless of how much actually changed.
fuzzum111 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:52:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's still the same technology but it's different versions. The same way of USB 2.0 3.0 and 3.1. they're all USB but each one's progressively faster the same way works with Bluetooth.
Cola_and_Cigarettes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know, and I'm vaugely aware of the fact that there have been versions of bluetooth, however it's never as prominent a marketing tool as USB 2.0 was.
sjoel92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:48 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk, I have some QC35s I got for Christmas last year, while the audio quality isnโt quite up to the standard of my old Sennheisers, the overal quality of the Bluetooth functionality, mic and call quality, etc Iโd absolutely buy them again having never even really wanted them in the first place. The newest Bluetooth chipsets are great.
chiviamp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:10:12 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this guy Razers
OverlordXenu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sounds like an actual reason to do a chargeback.
JoeTPB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:44 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bkbunny87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Um let it ship.
Just demand your refund from them. You canceled it, itโs not up to you to make sure it isnโt shipped.
Demand your refund and you arenโt even remotely in trouble if the product arrives after itโs been canceled.
soesfairview ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just cancel the charge on your credit card.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you have confirmation of the first cancelation, file a credit disputes. They shipped you something you didn't order.
Keep it and don't worry. As long as you have confirmation of the cancelation.
koningVDzee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I loved my krait, and the red one after that.
My naga's "epic" scroll wheel came broken out of the box.
My 2nd hand nostromo is great tough.
sowetoninja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe pay attention to what you order next time?
Just4TodayIthink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be honest, they probably did that to you (on purpose) because you were likely a douche over the phone. Could be wrong, but I doubt it. Always be friendly to customer service.
QuickBow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:38:32 on May 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never talked to them over the phone, I emailed them and ended my email with "thank you very much for your time, have a great day" I'm nice to customer support because I doubt they wanna do that job.
Just4TodayIthink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:27 on May 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's highly unlikely they would do this, something that seems to be done on purpose if you were as cheery as you say. What do I know though? Only worked in the service industry for the last 14 years..
ClimbingBear ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:29 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sucks... But hey, beats rereading your order before confirming, right? ๐๐ผ
djdubyah ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:17:05 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too. 12 years ago my friend. I super applaud the Razer marketing team
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now they just make shoddy, black plastic "gaming" versions of every single PC peripheral you can think of. I still love their mice, but making a $60 gaming mousepad with RGB LEDs is going too far.
Globalscree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:43:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't touch them with yours.
zherok ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:26:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It helps that it really doesn't matter what model Razer product you're looking at, it's the same shade of nuclear neon green every time.
sakdfghjsdjfahbgsdf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have the non-stealth version of that exact keyboard sitting on my desk.
trznx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:52:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kid's Acid Neon Green aka Razer Green
Inonia ยท 339 points ยท Posted at 18:15:20 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I cried tears with this one! Never has a colour been discribed more Precise than that!
fastdub ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 22:47:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold, And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold,
Shades of Byron I feel
xporb ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:28:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, doesn't get more precise than that. We may as well have the hex code of Sennacherib.
howtochoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:59:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Crying tears is good
endorphius ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 22:07:18 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be honest this, and many others, could be great starting lines for anything satirical.
nomadic_rhubarb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. In just one sentence we already know so much about the narrator.
kdoodlethug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. I think most of these would make incredible books, but not when taken seriously.
RobinAllDay ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 22:06:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The imagery on this one is flawless
danjo3197 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:09:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And could perfectly set up the tone of a book if the narrator is choosing to use that description
MooseinaHoose ยท 156 points ยท Posted at 20:47:46 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I.. Have that keyboard. Great green.
TheRealLT ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:56:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[Checking in](https://www.imgur.com/LV8lvNI) , I know it's not the stealth version but I couldn't believe it was the exact year.
Edit: I swear I used to be able to format on this site...
AwesomeBantha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:16:41 on May 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And a VG248QE!
Just need a 970 and that Stormtrooper wallpaper and you'll be the average r/PCMasterRace user.
TheRealLT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:32:23 on May 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I already have the 970...
spike1395 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:53:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do, too. It's not a bad green, but the default Synapse options are pretty terrible. Only pulses at the max brightness, so I just have to have it on low.
ionsquare ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:02:02 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have one too and always just keep it at the lowest brightness above being off.
Also I run linux so I can't use the macro buttons :(
It's very satisfying to type on though. Very nice green as well.
MooseinaHoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They certainly are lacking a little, but out of it you can get some fairly useful modes.
natman2939 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a blue one. I wish I had the green one. What was I thinking?
Hrimnir ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 21:55:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one is actually pretty hilariously bad.
canon_w ยท 141 points ยท Posted at 22:22:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like it's so bad it wraps back arou nd to being good, and would actually be a stellar start to a comedic novel. You'd have to lean into it though.
UrsulaMajor ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:03:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
reminds me vaguely of American psycho or fight club.
Hrimnir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:08 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, if you know your target audience, it's pretty great.
knresignation ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 22:21:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are we sure this isn't an actual first sentence from the next Ernest Cline book?
zherok ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:29:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably too specific, it'd require at least a cursory amount of research rather than having simply been something Cline came across at least once in his life.
earthwormjimwow ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 20:52:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet someone new to r/mechanicalkeyboards submitted that.
YourGodIsEvil ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:13:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then they were vilified for not picking some custom 10-keyless custom macroed bamboo keyboard.
-not-serious- ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:43:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you saying that my hand-polished, semen-infused, mahogany IBM Model M is not the only keyboard people are allowed to
buymake with twenty years of hard labour in a North Korean concentration camp?Blasphemy!
Notexactlyserious ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:48:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As totally ridiculously niche as that sub is, I just subscribed after seeing some of those creations.
CrookedCalamari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome! Youโll end up with one of you stay long enough.. It happens to all of us... Iโm on my 5th..... help
AwesomeBantha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:15:09 on May 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I subscribed, realized I didn't care, and bought a Razer Black widow Chroma V2
Notexactlyserious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:13 on May 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seems about right
GhostsofDogma ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:09:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly see this all the fucking time in bad fanfiction, but with brand name shoes instead of computer accessories. The rating and review listing is a new one, though.
DaddyCatALSO ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:33:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"On my honor as a Cordette, I swear by my Manolo Blahniks I will do my best to win this round. If I don't try, may my ability to detect a trend six months in dvance desert me when I need it most."
Spartan05089234 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:28:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is a very bright green
snarejunkie ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:01:29 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I... I have that keyboard.
-Mountain-King- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would you agree that it deserves 4.5 stars? More? Less?
snarejunkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:20:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Easily 5 for me. It's the best keyboard I've ever owned, it feels good, it's robust, easy to clean.. I think it'll outlast my PC honestly
Chillinkus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same, Iโm not sure how I feel about all this
snarejunkie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:55:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I stand by my baby. She's been going strong for over 4 years. Such a good keyboard. Can't keep the backlights on in the dark though, that shit'll blind you.
scouser916 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:06:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like a line from Ready Player One.
Dranox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:43:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It makes me think of American psycho
flowthought ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is like something David Foster Wallace would write.
JoeTPB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:26 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to have one. Best purchase of my life.
danthemango ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:20:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you purchase the girl or the dress?
DestryDanger ยท 1427 points ยท Posted at 21:00:47 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve. Blood!? Blood. Crimson copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. And bits of sick." - Garth Marenghi, Slicer
outbound_flight ยท 216 points ยท Posted at 21:55:13 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper.
electrodan ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 23:06:30 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You and he were... buddies, weren't you? *arches eyebrow*
DestryDanger ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:42:37 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I holding a crock of shit?! Tell me something, is this hospital called โSaint Crock of Shitโ?!
BobbyRobertson ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:43:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So what happened between you and this Renwick customer?
eyebrow raise
danhern ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 21:28:49 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fucking nasu
Akredlm ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 21:48:32 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TOHSAKA'S ANUS
posseslayer17 ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 23:20:22 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DEFENSELESS
Telhelki ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 23:33:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well trained prostitute
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:20:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Of all the places to expect this reference, this was not one of them.
jaybusch ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:38:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was like the belly of a whale. A whale that was digesting whale food. A stomach of a whale, with flesh on the walls to look like a whale's innerds.
I wish I had FSN installed to actually find the quote but Shiro apparently knows a lot about whales.
AlongJohnson ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:41:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MOLLUSK
ElecNinja ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:58:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
THIS CHAIR
MichealJayFox ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 23:36:52 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"In memory of Skipper. Killed by wasps"
Such a great, weird show. Odd that the main lad only really did this and Man to Man With Dean Learner.
DestryDanger ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:46:43 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm pretty sure I spotted him in an episode of Toast Of London, which has Matt Berry (Doctor Sanchez) in it and is awesome.
Cyberdelic_citizen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:17:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ypu did indeed. Its the episode where Toast gets a job working on an American big budget film and gets burried in a coffin. That scamp!
MichealJayFox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love Toast Of London. Good shout. I'll keep an eye out on my next watch through!
flamingos_world_tour ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:10:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you're interested Matthew Holness (Garth Mahrenghi himself) has also written a few short horror stories that are genuinely really good. Two of them are in two anthologies of horror short stories written by comedians (I'm blanking on the name of the series at the moment.)
They are definitely worth checking out if you like horror stories.
MichealJayFox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:13:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will definitely check that out.
Scott_Steiner_BBBD ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:27:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he was also the IT guy on the Office (British version, the original version, the superior version - go ahead fight me)
fastdub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He writes for a lot of folk, a friend who works at channel 4 says he's a great script doctor.
MichealJayFox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:14:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good to know. I thought it was strange that he appeared out of nowhere with this great show full of cameos, did one more show (which is also hilarious) then vanished off the screen. Good to hear that he's still working. After all, he's a visionary. With a spacious basement.
LostGundyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โJim the Knight. Killed by bees.โ - Hydlide by ProJared
Poschi1 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 21:56:59 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Garth reads this during dark place. Great show!
AStudyinBlueBoxes ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 21:18:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's strange how often, of late, I've heard the smell of blood described using copper.
[deleted] ยท 189 points ยท Posted at 21:27:18 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
diosexual ยท 107 points ยท Posted at 21:31:29 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because of all the iron in blood.
AquariusAlicorn ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 21:43:48 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blood tastes like wet rust.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:00:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pennies
gorilla_bezoar ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:17:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was once eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes when one of the pieces got lodged sideways between two of my molars and as I bit down again it cut through my gum.
As I kept eating the cereal began to taste like nothing but pennies and then I noticed the amount of blood pouring out of my mouth into my bowl.
Phoney_Stromboni ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:15:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blood!?
PMmePMsofyourPMs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:09:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blood.
DestryDanger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:23:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His blood.
clev3rbanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch :(
EditsReddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know what wet rust tastes like?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:02:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:27:16 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
rebel_wo_a_clause ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Odd that the iron in blood would make us taste copper...
Worse_than_AIDS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never tasted iron. I tasted copper once, it was in my blood.
squid0gaming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It doesnโt. As someone who has tasted blood, iron, and copper, I can tell you that blood does not taste like copper, but iron.
quartzquandary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup :)
TheBardsBabe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you're anemic does your blood smell/taste less metallic?
I_had_to_know_too ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
isn't that ironic
magmasafe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:17 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because they're really horseshoe crab people in disguise.
quartzquandary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:56 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it, I knew it!
akinmytua ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 23:02:07 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Female diabetic here. Copper is the best way to describe it, believe me, I smell a lot of blood.
AStudyinBlueBoxes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:50:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's just striking to me because, until this year, all blood descriptions have involved an iron smell, but since then it's been a copper smell.
akinmytua ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think most people associate iron with the smell of rust and copper with the smell of pennies. Blood doesn't smell much like rust. But the smell you get on your hands when you handle a bunch of old pennies (not the mostly zinc ones) is very metallic. And blood smells metallic. So the metal smell that most people recognize is pennies - which is why it's a good descriptor for blood
whisperingsage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly people probably can't really taste or smell the difference between metals.
akinmytua ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lick a steel steak knife versus a silver knife (on the non sharp part). They do not taste the same. Spoken as someone who grandparents have silver spoons... Which are a nasty Christmas surprise when you are trying to eat mashed potatoes and all you can taste is silver tarnish. Edit: autocorrect sucks
whisperingsage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True, but silver is a fairly non-reactive metal. Is the same true of tasting copper versus iron?
akinmytua ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:28:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well now I need to go lick things
csgetaway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why do you say female diabetic
kinaiii ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:52:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I assume it's the addition of periods as an additional blood smelling experience
akinmytua ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly. Daily blood experience plus montly (period blood and blood sugar test strip blood smell different by the way)
TheRealXen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to get extremely bad nose bleeds as a child. I remember just being so sick of the metallic taste. copper probably isn't far off after a while of exposure.
theboxmx3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:04:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
she was like a candle in the wind - unreliable.
electrodan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:40:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was typing and I had this block, and suddenly I heard a voice come here and it was Madeline, and she spoke to me. And she said "Garth, that sentence needs a verb." And she was right. And she said "That's inelegant." Then very quietly she went.
Gothmog24 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just started rewatching darkplace like an hour ago, didn't expect to see it show up here so quickly
killymcgee23 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:35:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she opened that tomb? The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Bloodโฆ and piss and shit. This was the worst day of her life." - Garth Marengi, The Told
PMmePMsofyourPMs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โThe moonlight shone down on the place, unhindered. The gnarled parapets jagged upwards, like a bony hand of icy indifference. In the background there was a pigeon.โ - Garth Marenghi, author, dreamweaver, horror writer, plus actor, Black Fang
Stillwindows95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I had no idea darkplace was still remembered.
Itโs my favourite show ever.
DestryDanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the dogโs bollocks, I love few things in life with as much intensity as I do for Dark Place.
natman2939 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:40:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe a paragraph that uses the word blood 7 times is that exciting but it is
VonHelson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:05:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I ran the only way I knew how. By placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession.
NEEEEERRRRRD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:05 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maggots maggots maggots. Maggots. All over the floor of the post office.
manufacturedefect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:00:21 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine because of pennies, which you can easily taste.
bryanricker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:48 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Basically the first half of Infinite by Jeremy Robinson.
IcarusBen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dear god, it's like Frank Miller tried to write a book. And he did it badly. Badly. Badly. It was bad.
Ragnarotico ยท 1814 points ยท Posted at 19:58:11 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the icon for this article/post a Maruchan instant ramen cup?
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 1002 points ยท Posted at 20:04:34 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit grabs the first [img] on a page.
-Asher- ยท 396 points ยท Posted at 20:58:18 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not complaining
Glifted ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 21:11:50 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who would?
[deleted] ยท 175 points ยท Posted at 22:04:36 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those things are the shit. When you're on a diet of only 300 kcal a day, can only eat one meal, and need to make sure you still get 100% of your sodium despite the low calories.
FiveEver5 ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 22:21:20 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More like 3000% of your daily sodium but yeah, I agree. Those things are the shit.
ILoveLamp9 ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 22:30:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely a guilty pleasure. I ate them so much growing up that they have a special place in my heart. I buy one every once in a while for nostalgia.
baconatbacon ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 01:19:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That special place is called a blockage and the doctors keep telling you to get it removed.
nanananabatman88 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:11:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I buy one every once in a while for necessity... I'm 30...
dontsuckmydick ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 23:09:42 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they're all you're eating then, yes, literally.
PopeTheReal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:30:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They are literal currency in jail
cantadmittoposting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's 100% of daily sodium assuming a 2000kcal diet though...
flamespear ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:13:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You don't have to us thw whole flavor packet.... it's mostly salt. you could also avoid drinking all the soup which is where mostvof that salt goes.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:10:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The instant ramen cups don't have a flavor packet. It's mixed in with the noodles and veg already
flamespear ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:45:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ah yes, then the only way to reduce the sodium is to drink less of thr soup.
mcguire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are a heathen.
AlmennDulnefni ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:07:11 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it tries for maximal entropy.
faceplanted ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:50:56 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is true I believe, that image with the sharp grey to yellow divide probably had pretty high entropy.
coleman57 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something something robot overlords.
HittingSmoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only in the absence of an og-image tag.
Vio_ ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 21:05:30 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ramen steamed up my face, tightly curling my mascara'd eyelashes.
howtoreadspaghetti ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 00:21:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ramen steamed up my face, quietly ovulating.
_brainfog ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:49:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The hot ramen steamed up her vagina; masking the screams of her deafening ovulation.
NathanArizona ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:05:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They came together, wrinkled pieces clanging against eachother like hot ropes of Top-Ramen.
potatotrip_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:38:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jennifer?
Crossfiyah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:55:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Their love was like a cup of instant ramen: Hot, quick, cheap, and unlikely to be revisited after college was over.
Gustergrl03 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 20:54:55 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm only here for the noodles. Not disappointed tho.
Umbross13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here for the noods
mattsanchen ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 22:47:54 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bro it's cuz that's step 1 of Eric-San making Kimiko-Chan his Waifu-Chan
Ragnarotico ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:02:30 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually checked the page... and it makes even less sense. The first step to making someone your wife is to give them the cheapest instant ramen cup on the planet?
sykotikkytten ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:39:12 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
waifu-chan yes.
ZapCorp ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:15:45 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yes
sixtyorange ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because of the proposing-over-a-roast-chicken entry above it, and also the "chan" suffix
Rusty_Shakalford ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:59:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My first thought upon reading the description: โThatโs a weird contest for a noodle company to runโ.
DabIMON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason, that makes perfect sense to me
sm0lshit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so hard when I saw this because of that.
NozhaXBL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a metaphor!
bean_actuary ยท 2521 points ยท Posted at 20:19:11 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alright, which one is you is this so-called "Klaus Virtanen"?
PM-Your-Tiny-Tits ยท 316 points ยท Posted at 21:21:41 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was a masterpiece.
Ol_Rando ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:41:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mastapeece
Militant_Monk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More of a memesterpiece if you ask me.
SteelBeams4JetFuel ยท 234 points ยท Posted at 21:54:35 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry?
Vangogh_flamingo ยท 140 points ยท Posted at 21:57:45 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you fucking sorry?
Denamic ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:47:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He clearly doesn't know
skrooch_down ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:33:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this is one of those moments where I could get an upvote or two with that whole 'username checks out' shtick.
LostGundyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
yelsnia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 year-old account, checks out.
hunter2-1_ ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 22:08:47 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm crying this is beautiful
5lash3r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:40:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
me too thanks
APiousCultist ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:44:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jet fuel can't melt the ice in my heart!
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:54:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Virtenan. Different Klaus
ThePinkRubberDucky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:29:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
George Bush
myne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not all that dissimilar to Stalin's words on his dead wife.
(I think it was Stalin, but it could be some other brutal dictator)
BanMeBabyOneMoreTime ยท 1657 points ยท Posted at 20:03:06 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My
sidesthighs-uzo- ยท 98 points ยท Posted at 23:43:06 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!?
It was Dumbledore.
AskewJes ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:49:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You spelled dumbledore correctly mate
Blue_Link13 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:27:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And he also forgot an entire row of elipsies for added suspense.
zombo_pig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this from somewhere?
-uzo- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:49 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a painful Harry Potter fanfiction, with a thoroughly hilarious reading of it on YouTube.
Think Twilight meets Harry Potter meets The Craft meets a barely literate tween writing about sex and vampires.
bojackobsessed ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:44:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MARTY MCFLY!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111!!!
SnowglobeSnot ยท 195 points ยท Posted at 21:02:59 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me wheeze.
BanMeBabyOneMoreTime ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 22:03:47 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you wheeze sexily?
Natedogg2 ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 23:15:59 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there another way to wheeze?
GenuineSounds ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 23:38:16 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nay, I dost proclaim naughtily.
Denamic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:08 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How salacious
AluminiumSandworm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:12:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my inner goddess is panting
Once_An_Optimist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Overly active sexual emphysemics hate you
ragneg9 ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 22:18:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I swear that isnโt far from reality. Way too much shitty vampire romance novels. Teen fiction is littered with it.
GhostsofDogma ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 00:13:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's getting so goddamned hard to find good monstrous vampire fiction :'''
ASharkWhoWalks ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:34:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you find anything, don't mind a pm...
aralim4311 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:32:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ditto
MaKaRaSh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:03:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You could try out the passage it's kinda post post apocolyptic with vampires....
godminnette2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:17:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good vampire fiction? May I interest you in JoJo's Bizarre Adventure?
eterevsky ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:03:04 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs hilarious.
lostonpolk ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 22:10:28 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Girl, you are one sick kitty cat.
cw- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donโt u mean slick
QuasarSandwich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:43:32 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(British artist) Tracy Emin made a series of works that were words or phrases in neon (in her handwriting, maybe): one of them was/is "My cunt is wet with fear".
fibojoly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:08 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh dear... That's a little too close to something out of an Anita Blake novel for comfort. Great one!
spunkychickpea ยท 406 points ยท Posted at 01:11:48 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every one of these sentences Iโve read sounds like something Iโve read in a workshop during my English degree, and they all sound just like one particular classmate. I still have one of her stories. I could rip off one of her sentences and win this thing every year.
โLuna descended downward slowly and carefully from the cliffs above and down to the pondโs edge where her wolf family was washing her clothes with Tide detergent.โ
That is something one of my classmates actually submitted to a sophomore level writing class, and submitted again to a senior level writing class.
Isaac_The_Khajiit ยท 231 points ยท Posted at 01:39:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sentence completely sucks me in to the story. I have to learn more about the lore of a fantasy world where wolves have hands and wash clothes with Tideยฎ detergent.
gogogadgetjustice ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 02:48:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thought it was another girl wishes she was a wolf fantasy escapist story but no, it's a tide ad.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:47:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
zangent ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:04:02 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whispers
It's free real estate.
nomoreluke ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:37:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Strong use of the Trademark there fella. OP missed it. Would have improved the original sentence dramatically. Haha
flamingos_world_tour ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:14:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wolf doesn't have hands. Remember that!
kavalrykiid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's just a Tide ad
glowyblack ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 03:38:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a girl in my class like that too. She wrote a whole story without dialogue, but wrote things like, "her burly husband growled as he angrily admonished her cooing all along"
spunkychickpea ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:44:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds majestically awful.
hoilst ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 06:26:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, you too went through the Great Young Adult Craze in a writing class at uni, too.
At least she took the whole course. The worst for me were the STEM guys who took one or two classes because they were, of course, geniuses who had a novel in them, and didn't, but of course, actually need to do any formal study into the matter.
They were doing STEM subjects, you understand. A piffling arts subjects? Why, they could do that standing on their head while doing calculus with one hard and masturbating furiously to hentai with the other!
Oh, it was to be an easy High Distinction, surely. Once these dozy creative wankers got a blast of some proper literature - you know, either high fantasy or hard science fiction - why, they'd realise how they were wasting their lives, and so I got to read about...
The Transparent Vagina
Look, I don't know what the actual title of the work was called, but it was meant to be final year project: a 4000 word short story or excerpt from you novel.
All I remember it as is "The Transparent Vagina, Or, Diamond Space Disco".
I still remember all what was terrible about this excerpt.
For one, there was the class Comp-Sci-Guy-Who-Writes-Sci-Fi excuse: any shit that makes absolutely no sense in the immediate context WILL BE DEALT WITH IN ANOTHER BOOK (because of course the book was to be part of a 9-book anthology or "cycle" or "iterative" or whatever pseudo-intellectual /r/iamverysmart collective noun they could make up).
Exposition and info-dumps galore. Again, gotta let the reader the know how smart the author is. Knowing exactly how the quantum fridge keeps space beer cool will be vital once you get to Book 5, and is well worth the six paras explaining it.
Adverbs everywhere. Oh, the adverbs, hoilst typed wearily.
But I'm burying the lede, no?
I teased transparent vagina, and optically-clear cooch you will get.
For some reason, one of the characters was a woman who had transparent skin and muscles because space fashion. 'Spose there's nothin' more attractive to a red-blooded guy than being able to see a chick's heart beating, or indeed, her gallbladder pump bile into her duodenum.
Of course, she got about completely nekkid. Because, you know, future and stuff.
Which is why we could see her see-through baby hatch.
And the way he described it...well. It was certainly keeping within the author's chosen genre.
Very...very scientific.
I mean, he spent like a whole page describing the labias both major and minor, clitoral hood, clitoris, cervix (and the nerves and arteries that hooked it all up - transparent skin, remember). All very gynecological.
I'm fairly certain he pretty much copied the Wikipedia entry for "vagina", because that's exactly what it read like. This went on for like a page.
It got awkward.
It was painfully obvious he'd never seen a vagina before, at least outside of jpegs.
Needless to say, all of it was completely unrelated to anything else in the story. It was the most awkward, cringeworthy padding I'd come across.
No other aspect of the woman got any description, by the way, save for the transparency.
Any way, her and a bunch of other guys (including one chick who had implanted angel wings on her back, because, fuck it, god left this story a long time ago).
They go to the Venusian Space Disco, because this story is set on Venus - you know, the least hospitable non-gas planet in the solar system - which had, for some reason, floors made out of diamond.
The author was not happy to have some non-stem point out how scientifically terrible it all was.
Whatever. Because it turns out they never went dancing, anyway. The remaining 1500 words was made up of the gang climb about twenty flights of stairs to get to the roof for...reasons. That's right - in the future, there will be transparent vag and graftable angel wings, but no elevators.
I kinda tore that poor kid a new one.
boy_from_potato_farm ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 10:45:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so much salt in this post lmao
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:47:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
Kulpas ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:40:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This hurt me on a spiritual level.
spunkychickpea ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:48:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love the archetypes you find in creative writing classes. I also had classes with a couple of STEM kids. They werenโt quite as bad as the guy you knew, but who is? My personal favorite was the 42 year old divorced woman, going after her masterโs in creative writing, who was writing a fictional memoir about a 42 year old divorced woman who sold her successful law practice to tame the open road with her motorcycle. Only she never tamed the road...The road tamed her....
She turned in an excerpt from her novel that was no less than 45 pages, and contained five graphic sex scenes. The first one had her getting bent over her bike by a trucker. The second one had her getting nailed against a menโs room wall by a mysterious biker with a โserpentine dickโ, but no name. The third was an unusually well-written gang bang on a pool table in a bar after hours. The fourth was an uncomfortable BJ scene where she had to take one on the face to get her stolen bike back. But the fifth scene brought us back to olโ snake dick from scene two.
The gang bang scene was particularly memorable because while we were workshopping the story in class, one of my classmates, a very conservative Christian woman in her 30โs, was quite confused about the logistics of the scene. Most of the class declined to clarify things, as they were a bunch of shy literature nerds. The professor was doing his best to get the class to move on to a different excerpt. The woman was undeterred in her quest to understand the pounding that the protagonist was receiving. I knew that we probably werenโt going to wrap up the critique until this lady understood the ins and outs of the scene, so I took it upon myself to clarify a couple of things.
โSo I understand that she was on top of the...stallion...on the pool table. But then the black guy with the goatee got on top of her and then...what? I donโt understand what heโs doing there. How was he also inside her?โ
โHe was in her ass.โ
โOh...Thatโs what she meant by โthe back doorโ. That makes sense. And then the older guy with the long hair, heโs standing on the pool table next to her and heโs...โ
โIn her mouth.โ
โBut why was her mascara running? Was she crying?โ
โMaybe not crying. Itโs more like her eyes were watering.โ
โBut why?โ
โHeโs apparently a pretty big guy, and heโs getting a bit aggressive with it.โ
โA big guy? She doesnโt mention his height or weight. Where did you get that heโs big?โ
โHe has a very large penis, and the violent thrusting into her mouth is causing her eyes to water.โ
โOh...Oh my. Is that common?โ
โMaybe? I donโt know. I doubt thereโs much data to dig up on that particular phenomenon.โ
She then turned to the writer and said โDo you have any more to this story? Iโd like to read some more.โ
And the class moved on from there. That still wasnโt even close to the most uncomfortable moment that semester.
_username__ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:01:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
jesus christ I would have died in a creative writing class. The second-hand telling is already making me cringe so hard I may have to lie down.
hoilst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:28 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, yeah. Same experience here.
Fun quiz for everyone!
Who has the crazier, darker, more violent, more sexually violent story ideas?
A) The guy with facial tattoos, a dozen visible piercings, a Cradle of Filth T-Shirt, and reads nothing but horror?
B) The nice-looking middle-aged housewife who wears mum jeans and fuzzy woolly jumpers and calls everyone "sweetie" (in a completely genuine way)?
If you answered B...dingdingding! Correct!
We had one nice lady in Screenwriting who basically forced the tutor's brain to do a hard reboot, what with her story about an Albanian family (she herself wasn't Albanian) with an uncle who had raped every single female member of that family. Like, everyone. Aunts, sisters, mothers, cousins, nieces, step-sister's-sister-in-law's, third cousins twice removed...everyone. Her script idea was to be half incest-rape...and then half revenge torture porn.
Of course, she went into detail, of both the raping and then torturing, far more than was necessary for the "OK, class, give us a three-minute rundown of your script". She seemed genuinely excited which, I suppose, is a good thing...?
According to her, "Albanians hold grudges, if you know anything about Albanians", so finally they women got the dude tied up.
The aunt who was anally raped, of course - once they got him tied up - started penetrating his anus with a serrated kitchen knife. The niece who got knocked up from her rape cut out his balls.
"Oh, not, not off. Out. Just so he wouldn't bleed to death before they were finished."
This was after they got his dick hard so they could tie it off with rubber bands and kill the blood flow, but before they gouged out his eyes.
And so on and so forth.
The poor tutor was a good guy but bit of Sydney wanker - think $200 jeans and cashmere blazer over a $50 burgundy T-shirt - and we watched his jaw just hang open. A somewhat jaded veteran of the film scene, he like paused for a good three seconds as his mind reset before just saying "Right. Oh, so, um, what, er- it kinda just moves from the first act to the third, by the sound of it. That...that might be something you'd like to work on." Purely from a lack of anything else to say, I guess.
This went on for more than her three minutes, because the tutor's mind just froze like a frog in liquid nitrogen.
The look on my classmates' faces was amazing. Jaws dropped. One poor, sweet, innocent little literary nerd girl was ghost white and had like saucers- no, not saucers. They were beyond saucers. Soup bowls, to continue the crockery theme.
Even the dickhead who laughs at everything (you know the guy) was eerily quiet, with a look of utter confusion on his face. You could hear the cogs screaming as his mind tried to shift into the right gear to process it all.
MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE- no, let's not go there.
As is in it several noticeable curves in it...or it was made from the minerals collectively referred to as serpentine?
"Sex logistician" should totally be a thing.
"Now, you say your protagonist is taking him in her ass, but you also say she can feel his dick in her mouth at the same time? Is this a metaphor? Or just how long is this guy's dick, anyway?"
themolotovginger ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:31:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep; it's a Tide ad.
DaddyCatALSO ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:35:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except for the redundancies, that isn't really that bad, if you like juxtaposition of cultural elements.
spunkychickpea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:55:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm going off of memory until I find a copy of her story. That was just the most memorable sentence for me. In my written critique of her work, I spent an entire paragraph breaking down that sentence. There was plenty of garbage to sift through in the rest of her story, but this one jumped out at me because of where it ended up. I was just so blindsided by the fact that these wolves (not werewolves, she was very clear in making that distinction) were washing her clothes, but only after they had either stolen a bottle of Tide from someoneโs home, or purchased it from the grocery store.
nalonwod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:22:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a Tide ad.
obidie ยท 423 points ยท Posted at 02:11:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite goes something like: Dawn crept slowly over the lush, verdant lawn of the country club, searching in vain for her car keys.
dalenacio ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 04:17:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heh, that got a good chuckle out of me.
nomoreluke ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:39:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha. Brilliant
returnofheracleum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure I've seen this before and only just now understood it.
awry_lynx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Garden path sentences are sexy, fight me
freshtoastedsandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:53:46 on July 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
obidie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:01 on July 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dawn as in the sunrise.
MrZombikilla ยท 764 points ยท Posted at 21:58:29 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Her sick twisted dripping tears were as warm and salty as a ramen flavor packet, And as delicious and upsetting as one too.
There, now it matches the cover pic.
kevokevokevo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:50:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! Was wondering how the noodle cup tied in
NadNutter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:07:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, the ramen was actually complimenting a line that goes something like "John-chan knew his life goal was to make Jenny-chan his waifu-chan"
upvoter1542 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:56:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I kissed the tear from her cheek; mmm pork ramen."
blouscales ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sorry about that
Uvulator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant video (It's short 7 minute dark comedy film about someone who cries ramen tears, so that's what you'll be clicking):
https://vimeo.com/155570102
philphan25 ยท 140 points ยท Posted at 02:08:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one was found in an actual ESPN article. Wow.
DJ_Mbengas_Taco ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:28:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. TIL my dumbass could write for ESPN
[deleted] ยท 828 points ยท Posted at 22:26:15 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Toisty ยท 262 points ยท Posted at 00:00:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
brilliant
tethrius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did they not go with incarnivore
archizen ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:02:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You don't smell like those other carnivores. Do you maintain an alternative diet?" Fearful of a possible relationship with a vegan I immediately sink my teeth into my forearm and spray it down with blood, effectively stopping it from corrupting any more pure, red-blooded folk. Last I heard, upon contact with suffering the vegan then commits Seppofu and is defeated.
UnicornFondler ยท 309 points ยท Posted at 23:16:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, this takes me back. I submitted a sentence for this contest in 2008 and got a jury prize. Now it's been a decade since and I've accomplished nothing else.
AlphakirA ยท 134 points ยท Posted at 01:08:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT'S THE SENTENCE?!
Darth_Bannon ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 02:16:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was the sentence.
ButterKnights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which of the three?
Urdus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The one about fondling unicorns.
mecha_bossman ยท 220 points ยท Posted at 03:27:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, presumably it's one of these four:
LessThanCleverName ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 04:11:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I mean, this is just a factually true statement as far as I know:
V-Bomber ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:51:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jaden has upped his game
M4xusV4ltr0n ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:19:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, am mice
ZoomJet ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 11:02:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All of these are absolute gold
fibojoly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:10:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel we can put that one aside. It's gotta be from Jayden Smith.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:22:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
http://adamcadre.ac/08lyttle.html
Search "PEWPEW" to get down to the jury prizes:
OP might reveal which was theirs, but that might also reveal their real name on the Internet ...
UnicornFondler ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 06:34:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And therein lies my dilemma. Personally, I say you just choose whichever one is funniest to you and attribute it to me. It doesn't reveal my identity and boosts my self-worth. It's a win-win for me, and isn't that really all that matters?
AragorntheMighty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok this one actually got me.
nushublushu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you need more than that??
[deleted] ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 01:24:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The gray clouds begat lightning that etched starkly behind the college dormitories; it was a stark and dormy night.
fibojoly ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:30:48 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's... actually good?
cm_bush ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:49:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"This isn't too bad really," I said to myself after reading the comment with 37 upvotes in my 89 degree office with the broken A/C, "Like, it took a couple hesitant steps into bad territory but then turned around and settled for middle-of-the-comment-section mediocrity."
PoorHoosierJamie ยท 281 points ยท Posted at 20:57:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder how many plagiarized Dan Brown monstrosities they have to sift through every year.
trimeta ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 23:42:54 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still better than actual Dan Brown, though.
precious_shmeckels ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 01:17:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The man at the computer, renowned and critically acclaimed international author Dan Brown, looked at the internet post. The man at the computer looked at the internet post and felt angry.
Downvoted_Defender ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 08:25:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His insect eyes flashed red, like a rocket.
5lash3r ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:44:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can't just say how your characters feel! That makes me feel angry!
supbrahyeah ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:48:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zing!
TheExplosionArtist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:50:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoโs Dan Brown?
trimeta ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:58:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're not familiar with renowned author Dan Brown?
TheExplosionArtist ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:13:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I canโt read the rest of the article :c
trimeta ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 01:32:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try this Wayback Machine-preserved copy.
TheExplosionArtist ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:48:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, man. Wow, this is fantastic. Itโs like if /r/accidentalcomedy was an author.
nomoreluke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the best things I have ever seen
misterchief10 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:44:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I tried but they make you enter your credit card so fuck that. And apparently Cigibumbum, Alabama isnโt acceptable for where I live.
BigBusiness1532 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like someone never read Digital Fortress!
trimeta ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:09:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've yet to meet anyone who couldn't solve the riddle at the end of Digital Fortress in less than 60 seconds, without access to the internet. The "genius" characters in the book take like 10 minutes, and that's with full access to a search engine. And they get the wrong answer, which (since Dan Brown also got the wrong answer) is called the right answer! Yes, Dan Brown wrote a riddle that he himself could not solve correctly.
I'll be honest, I kind of enjoyed Da Vinci Code when reading it. But Digital Fortress made me realize "shit, if everything he says about something I do have familiarity with is wrong, maybe I shouldn't trust him on topics where I don't know enough to know that he's wrong."
godminnette2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:31:58 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember solving all the puzzles in Da Vinci Code in fifth grade. Thought it made me smart. No, Brown is just dumb. The APPLE answer was the most obvious.
trimeta ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:57:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine theorized that this is central to Brown's popularity: he writes incredibly easy riddles, and then the reader thinks "wow, I solved this better than the characters in the story, I must be a genius!" Not to impugn fifth-grade-you; you were young, you've learned better since.
godminnette2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol yeah. Now I can appreciate authors with good puzzles to figure out that aren't ham fisted into the story, like the motives in my favorite book Oathbringer by Br-hey wait a minute!
trimeta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:07:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, if you do want puzzles, I'd recommend Gรถdel, Escher, Bach, by Douglas Hofstadter. It isn't any less ham-fisted (if anything, it's more so, since half of the book is non-fiction exploring various concepts, including providing exercises related to those concepts), and in many ways it feels like the author is saying "look at how smart I am," but unlike with Dan Brown, Douglas Hofstadter actually isthat smart, so the effect is more like "thank you, it was interesting to see how smart you are."
godminnette2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll have to add it to my list, thanks
BigBusiness1532 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:13:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yea, maybe, but I didn't read the book because I love (or even know anything about) codes or cyphers or whatever. I just enjoyed the book.
trimeta ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 01:31:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't it bother you that all the "facts" he uses are wrong, though? His description of languages is completely false. His understanding of ciphers is completely false. His concept that "oh, to crack all the encryption, you just need a big enough computer to test every possible algorithm with every possible key" is false. And that ending riddle...I'm not even joking, that's what made me swear off Dan Brown forever.
Because there may be people reading this thread who have managed to avoid Digital Fortress, I will print the riddle here, followed by an explanation of it. I seriously do want you, the person reading this, to think about how you would solve this riddle. Don't feel like you need to go out and Google for relevant information; I just want you to think "what are the steps I would take in trying to interpret this?" Because I want to compare and contrast what you, the person reading this comment, did vs. what the characters in the book did, to prove how incredibly stupid all of Dan Brown's characters are.
Here's the full riddle (the characters knew they were looking for a numeric answer):
Seriously, spend a few seconds thinking about how you'd interpret that riddle, what you think it would mean, what you think the answer should be. This comment will still be here while you wait.
Finished? OK, so probably the first thing you noticed was the word "elements." You thought "Hmm, I know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were both targeted by atomic bombs at the end of WWII; I wonder if the chemical elements in those bombs were different in some way." And you'd be right! This insight is the key to solving the riddle. But the characters don't think of this immediately. Instead, a group of the NSA's best cryptographers and mathematicians spend 10 minutes asking "what were the sociological or demographic differences between the two cities?" They search for population statistics, economics, geographic distances, everything except chemistry. They even spend two of their three possible guesses on these blind alleys! Only when David Becker, the Robert-Langdon-like Professor of Linguistics, takes a crack at the problem, does he suggest "maybe we should think about chemical elements." So if you even considered chemistry as a relevant avenue to solving this riddle, you're already smarter than Dan Brown characters.
So, let's say that all of the NSA's secrets were on the line, and you knew that you needed to find the correct answer. But you had access to the internet, and you figured out that maybe chemistry is involved. So you Google what the chemical makeup was of the Little Boy and Fat Man bombs. You find that one of them had a core of radioactive Uranium-235, and the other had a core of radioactive Plutonium-239. So you find the "difference" between the mass numbers for these two elements: 239 - 235 = 4. But wait! 4 isn't prime; it's 2*2. So clearly, we don't care about mass number: we must want the atomic numbers. Uranium has atomic number 92, while Plutonium is atomic number 94. 94 - 92 = 2, which is prime, so you're good to go: the answer to the riddle is 2.
But Dan Brown, who I'd like to remind you wrote this riddle in the first place, couldn't follow the above logic. Instead, when he did whatever passes for "research" in his world, he came to the conclusion that the Fat Man bomb was based on Uranium-238, not Plutonium-239. It's true that Fat Man has U-238, but that wasn't the fissile core: that was simply a tamper material used to help reflect the neutrons from the exploding P-239 back into the core, to maximize the potency of the blast. But since Dan Brown thought that the U-238 was the "element responsible" for the Fat Man bomb (and therefore the bombing of Nagasaki), he said that 238 - 235 = 3 is the answer to his riddle. He gave the wrong answer. If the NSA were relying on him to defend their secrets, everything would have leaked. (Also, in the book, the NSA are the good guys and their secrets leaking is the "villain wins" outcome, but that's a political problem, not a logic/research problem.)
Anyway, this has been a fairly long rant, but I hope it's clear that /u/BigBusiness1532 picked the wrong person to say "You don't like Dan Brown? You should read Digital Fortress, that will change your mind" to.
IvanZhukov ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:00:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the rant, thoroughly enjoyed it.
trimeta ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 02:04:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not even kidding, in college I was somewhat known as "the guy who really hates Digital Fortress." I took every opportunity I could to give the above rant, and once as part of a senior tradition involving setting up puzzle quests I had a whole thing themed around Digital Fortress and its terrible logic. I've spent over half my life hating Digital Fortress.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:11:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How's Oathbringer, by Brandon Sanderson. Got riddles?
trimeta ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:15:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not really a puzzle quest book, so no. What it does have is a great, well-defined magic system and lots of plot points that pay off earlier set-ups and make you say "hell yeah, that was awesome." But you already knew that it was written by Brandon Sanderson, so that all goes without saying.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Magic, huh? Got any sci-fi recommendations?
trimeta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of his stuff is fantasy, although he has a few short stories that are sci-fi: Firstborn and Defending Elysium are the most obvious ones, while his Legion novellas (completely unrelated to the Marvel character, BTW) are more near-future technothrillers with a protagonist that has unusual (but not physics-breaking) powers. Another of his stories, Perfect State, starts out fantasy, but you end up learning that there's more to it. And Snapshot has a vaguely-defined mutant/alien/something that powers the technology, but in the author's notes he says that he only used that instead of full sci-fi because he wanted a near-future setting and the tech was too powerful to have been invented the old fashioned way without this drastically changing other elements of the world.
Depending on whether you consider superheroes sci-fi or fantasy, the Reckoners series may also qualify. Although it's not exactly a "superhero" series, seeing as every single powered person becomes evil... Anyway, that's probably the most he's written in a single quasi-sci-fi setting. The rest are all one-shots (well, two-shot, in the case of Legion).
Oh, and he's got a new novel coming up out soon, Skyward, which is sci-fi. I can't directly recommend it, since I haven't read it yet, but if you're specifically looking for sci-fi, keep an eye out for when that releases.
Calackyo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:08:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brandon sandersons magic is more like a different set of laws of physics, considering how unbelievably we'll thought out all his magic systems are. Also there's the fact that 90% of his fantasy stories take place in the same 'cosmere' but in different planets. They seem to be all leading to some sort of culmination of the multiple stories, which would be more sci-fi considering the planet-hopping side of things. A lot of his work deeper into certain series' is becoming more Sci-fi as technology expands and the civilisations of each planet become sort of aware of one another.
The way I see it is that his stuff is basically medieval sci-fi, like what if there were different rules for physics and how they would be used in alien landscapes in a medieval setting. The alien landscapes part is important because they mostly feel like actually different planets with totally different weather systems, types of life etc.
AlongJohnson ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:32:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That isn't even really a riddle, it's just a few words away from being a normally phrased question.
trimeta ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:35:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There also was a bit about using a Caesar cipher to decode that phrase from a different string of text, but I skipped that part, because it wasn't as objectionable and also the characters figured it out reasonably quickly.
morepandas ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 02:05:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I upvoted because this was deliciously well written, much in the way that dan Browns books donโt taste like.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:12:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a sub for long rants like this that actually pay off?
xenoterranos ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:30:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am so happy I've never read this, thank you.
LessThanCleverName ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:10:03 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn...
BananaNutJob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. That was a really entertaining read
fibojoly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:19:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be honest, I saw Hiroshima, and Nagasaki and thought Hydrogen and Nitrogen, for some reason. Since you said it could be solved without a lookup. Still, that's a pretty disappointing riddle! :C
bullseye717 ยท 211 points ยท Posted at 01:06:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2015 Winner โ "I drew my customized Kimber 1911 .45, with the Pachmayr grips and skeletonized trigger, and leveled it coolly at the African-Americans."
LessThanCleverName ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 04:13:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mildly-Racist Dan Brown.
bullseye717 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:38:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Having read Larry Correia, he would be the type of author that writes this type of sentence.
DaddyCatALSO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:38:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read the first of his Monster novels and gave up, but more because of the assumptions in his universe than for the writing style.
BenjamintheFox ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 06:22:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well.... it succeeds at making me uncomfortable.
Bonesplitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know. A custom Kimber? What animal uses a Kimber?
alexportman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The rich kind. Those babies aren't cheap.
MacGyver_15 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:33:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The most expensive part is replacing them every few years after they rust through.
WhitePotion ยท 201 points ยท Posted at 22:10:28 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Our eyes are always pointing at things we are interested in approaching, or investigating, or looking at, or having." Jordan Peterson is at it again. I had to double check that it was the same Jordan Peterson...
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:08:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:25:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like maps of meanings
Kreidedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sร
frellingaround ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:05:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me think of the user interface of old Sierra games.
M4xusV4ltr0n ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:22:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh Jordon Peterson. The darling child of /r/badphilosophy
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 08:26:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
throwawaylogic7 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:33:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It should make you feel better to know that his "random number of steps to totally save your life" book that everyone writes at least one of now, is the best seller on amazon in the philosophy category.
_username__ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:19:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why is it so frequent that "common sense and blatantly obvious self-help tips repackaged in a numbered step guide" gets labelled "philosophy"? Maybe it's because his self-help guidebook comes with a weird christian mcarthyist misogynist sideshow
LinkRoland ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:39:40 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Challenge: Explain exactly why he is a "dunce", without resorting to simple insults or assertions based off of something you read from a heavily left-biased and editorialized publication.
Hint: you can't actually do that, I just want to make you realize that you can't.
OdorOmitRiot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:34:10 on May 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Uh, DUH? The TV told me so, so it must be true.
monstrinhotron ยท 535 points ยท Posted at 21:35:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh i want to play...
"They say printer ink is worth more than human blood said the Vampire Prince but i'll take your type O over CMYK any night."
r55r44 ยท 655 points ยท Posted at 21:53:13 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too โAs the clown breathed into the balloon and it slowly inflated, my penis inflated in tandem, as if the clown was breathing straight into my penis hole.โ This made me uncomfortable to write so I think itโs decent.
Edit: thank you guys for all your support. Well, idk if hating something thatโs meant to be bad is support butโฆ Iโm happy regardless.
Edit 2: obligatory, thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Edit 3: as someone suggested, I just submitted it. The only difference is I changed โpenis holeโ to โshaft hole.โ
danjo3197 ยท 203 points ยท Posted at 23:13:35 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
itโs time to stop
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:48:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
r55r44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You paid me to do it and Iโll be damned if I donโt complete my job!
daniu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's time to never have started...
[deleted] ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 23:51:06 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
r55r44 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:27:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:)
Biuku ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:20:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is like 3x bad... itโs so awful you donโt realize how much that image will haunt you.
Intelliscenscientity ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:12:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will have a go too.
"I had way too much coffee" I contemplated to myself as a warm stream of liquid arced off the crack of my buttocks into the toilet. This was the first time I used the abode. Feeling remorse that I could no longer smell the caramel and cinnamon from my late wifes last stool.
r55r44 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:20:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first half I was like โeh, heโs just gunna go the purely gross route, seems a bit easy.โ Then I hit the โlate wifeโs last stoolโ line. Absolute gold 10/10
natman2939 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:44:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I looked at the gun as the emergency exit that I could walk through at anytime to get myself to safety. This PTA meeting would be long but I had a way out."
r55r44 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:49:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is terrific, so I guess bad job.
natman2939 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks! And sorry.
I'm actually writing a short dark comedy based on this concept because it really cracks me up
MultiverseWolf ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:38:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My body recoiled reading that. I downvoted you in disgust
r55r44 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:37:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I deserve it.
MeaKyori ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:10:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The link to submit is at the end of the article, please do. This is such gold.
Audacious531 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:36:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to write custom erotica commissions for spare cash and this kind of thing always makes me wish I'd taken this one dude up on his That 70s Show gay scat clown balloon story. (So much opportunity to write goddamn weird shit that someone will find sexy even while I'm laughing.).
However, I had a policy against characters from popular media because I am too much of a perfectionist when I'm familiar with an IP, and when I'm not, then I'm not gonna do a bunch of research just to write bad porn. But I absolutely missed my chance on inflating balloon penises.
r55r44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is such an incredibly specific fetish. Iโm in awe. I donโt even know how Iโd go about approaching something so specific and weird from a writing standpoint.
Audacious531 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:21:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One dude paid me $160 to write about him being eaten alive by an alternate universe version of himself, after which they had sex and moved in together. Their love was beautiful and I guess narcissistic.
r55r44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:36:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After he was consumed, how did he fuck the dude? Also โtheir love was beautiful and I guess narcissisticโ made me laugh so godamn hard.
Audacious531 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:41:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a fetish called full tour vore, where you're eaten alive by someone or something and are conscious and perfectly fine the whole time. Usually ends up with the character covered in shit, but that's some people's thing (including this guy's).
At this point in my life if a kink or fetish is doable in real life without serious injury or psychological trauma I consider it normal.
r55r44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm not shocked by the existence of vore fetishes, Iโm shocked by the million different specific types of vore fetishes.
thunderman2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot stop laughing at this! Bravo!
Bigsoft_Longhard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:56:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Crying
5lash3r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:42:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I lost a lung
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so uncomfortable.
DaddyCatALSO ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:37:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yowtch
Kenyanguyhere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:52:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jeez... You have issues
wishforagiraffe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This kinda reminded me of Chuck Tingle
trouser_mouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:09:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Keep going...
ButteryFlavory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that's so good!
Synaps4 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Less bad imagery, more bad English.
The goal isnt to make people cringe with the image, its more to make them cringe with mixed metaphors, poorly chosen similies, run on sentences, and inane pointless details.
r55r44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:21:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People seem to like it.
Synaps4 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's no accounting for taste.
craigfrost ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 21:52:49 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is hard to read without punctuation.
"They say printer ink is worth more than human blood", said the Vampire Prince. "But, I'll take your Type O over CMYK any night."
Nope. Still hard to read.
monstrinhotron ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:58:04 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deliberately terrible ;)
StePK ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:59:57 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think poor technical skill isn't considered in this. All of the sentences are, for the most part, grammatically and structurally sound... Ish. It's the content that matters.
hoboshoe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:37:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โJezzellebelle... Iโฆ I... miss your... Rainbow Dash *nuzzlie-wuzzles*โ Mik-L cried as he opened her tumblr page, his pants, and to his dick-fisted surprise the first portal to Coolopolisโฆ
I already submitted this so no stealing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:49:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Zandrew, last of the Eternal Elf-Knights, stood atop the summit of the Steel Mountain and shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked upon the lands of the kingdom of Eleljelah; bulging rivers, blood'd fields, and the capital, N'non'Ka (it's towering spires jutting up at the twin-moons like beckoning fingers, making the twin soul-axes hanging at Zandrew's side twitch and glint in the dim light of dusk, like a gunslinger before a duel)."
monstrinhotron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think i read this book in '92.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:20:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're probably confused. This is the opening to BlรคdeWelder: T'Anathole's Lament (Pengwin, 2002) (and published in Europe and Brazil as The Danasyarian Chronicles V: The Joys of T'Anathole). It's meant as a spiritual successor to the second book in the first trilogy, RadaGan: Return of K'ancer the Black and White, (published in '91), which might explain the confusion.
monstrinhotron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:38:02 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That hurt to read, but in the best way. "BlรคdeWelder" Brilliant.
Dantalion_Delacroix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:05:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I call next.
โDo you noe da way?โ Siriuk said, citing the hottest meme of 2018 (bro, itโs top kek) and I said โyesโ (spoiler: it was no)
JustShortOfSane ยท 459 points ยท Posted at 23:12:56 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sentence gave me cancer.
Xylth ยท 102 points ยท Posted at 01:53:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sentence was a veritable orgy - not of sex, but of cancer.
skullpriestess ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:25:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
please no cancer orgies
5lash3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sentence didn't die... It was MURDERED
wrestlingchampo ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:45:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sentence was written by the current editor of the NYT Opinion section
TotallyNottheNSA123 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, the NYT op-ed section: somehow more irritating than Breitbart.
HawkinsT ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:05:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sentence was a veritable orgyโโnot of sex, but of word melanoma.
SpaceRasa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:38:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Other ones made me chuckle but this one actually sent me into a fit of laughter. It was just so unexpected - and sarcastically topical.
Mesonit ยท 171 points ยท Posted at 19:30:39 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But many of them are longer than 25 words.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 454 points ยท Posted at 19:51:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I messed up!
Shhh, don't tell anyone.
AdamBombTV ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 20:37:47 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
IM'MA TELLIN'!!
glyder78 ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 21:33:45 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi, Ma Tellin. I'm dad.
NoodlePeeper ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 22:46:02 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you get those smokes yet?
meinblown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof
Dominariatrix ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:24:07 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Snitches get stitches.
Synaps4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
IM'MA
TELLIN'FIRIN' MALAYSIA!johnchurchill ยท 144 points ยท Posted at 21:41:49 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You should've entered your title.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 21:45:55 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alas, too verbose.
Othlan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:16:42 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this too
doublerape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:02 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And that
gridzbispudvetch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:55 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was your entry?
AragorntheMighty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too verbose.
o11c ยท 98 points ยท Posted at 02:01:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey wait, this one is actually really good:
DJ_Mbengas_Taco ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 02:27:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs like, awesomely bad.
FunnyMan3595 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:30:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everything depends on the quality of the writing that would come after. It's in a superposition of excellent and terrible without more context.
5lash3r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:47:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Water is necessary for life but too much can drown someone ~
ZoomJet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:06:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another one that strikes me is, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Without A Tale of Two Cities I think that'd easily make this list. But the quality of writing after is what's key imo
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:16:48 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ZoomJet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:47:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Tale of Two Cities! Brain fart lol. Edited
overactive-bladder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
taylor swift wrote this 100%
o11c ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
According to my research, she did not. However, the following artists/groups did:
overactive-bladder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol! i wasn't serious, but thanks for the research. honestly there's potential in the sentence, and a lot of truth. there are so many horrid lyrics out there compared to it.
Baruch_S ยท 184 points ยท Posted at 19:15:14 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, the blank slate reader insert YA fiction is getting a little on-the-nose, isnโt it?
Gatorboyz33 ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 21:28:43 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The would have a hey day with the Japanese light novel names they have out there
6J0ker9 ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 00:58:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I Got Stuck In Another World, But The Food Is Good And They Have Wifi! : Zero "
whisperingsage ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:39:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I Got Stuck In Another World And Now I Have To Find A Charger
6J0ker9 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:36:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah how could someone write a story revolving around phones...... Oh wait
Arickettsf16 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:14:06 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Instead of a maximum 25 word limit it would be a minimum 25 word limit.
niteman555 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:03:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No paragraphs allowed
fibojoly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:29:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
JAV titles are pretty amazing, as far as stroke induced writing can be, but I'm sure it would go above word count limits.
On the other hand they'd feel right at home on Reddit and its population of people who absolutely do not get the title/body dichotomy.
ih8bagels ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not to mention JAV names. I need to make an Instagram for that one
GuillotinesNOW ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 22:06:57 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.
notoriousasseater ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:34:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blurst of times?! Stupid monkey!
bagelsforeverx ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 02:09:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedfuturama
apistograma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:28:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Simpsons in fact
bagelsforeverx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:45:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh damn! Fail.
[deleted] ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 22:46:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are very similar to every piece of fiction I've ever written . Except I'm not good enough to be the best of the worst either.
Audacious531 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:38:34 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It reads like the shit I wrote when I was 14. Thank God I'm marginally better now.
MultiverseWolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:56 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, that's not necessarily bad though is it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:47:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, yeah. I'm gonna celebrate being not the shittest at something. Woo! Yay me!
itsjeffreybaby ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:21:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lost it at this one
Cory0527 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 21:32:21 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's with the Ramen?
Offyerrocker ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:31:16 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit searches for an embedded image in the submitted link to use as the post's icon. As this contest is text-based, the only image in the post was of a cup of noodles used as a prop for a joke written in the entries' commentary.
Zemyla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:59 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was also an image of Xzibit below that.
Offyerrocker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:33 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, right. Still, it makes sense to grab the first picture, I guess.
sppratam ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 22:03:01 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The contest is hosted by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
DabIMON ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:32:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
rAmen
howtoreadspaghetti ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:25:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kimiko-chan Waifu-chan Maruchan I cried tears.
thedogedidit ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:17:43 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Incarnitas
slow clap
totally_not_a_thing ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:11:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"If the first sentence of the book had been better it would have kept his attention, but the joke was too meta, and fell flat."
not_homestuck ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:04:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This absolutely sounds made up but I entered a contest like this once through a Tumblr giveaway of a brand new iPhone 4S (back when the 5 had juuuust recently come out). The contest was to write the worst one-sentence fanfiction. I wrote about Bloo from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends getting it on with Gallant from the Highlights magazine. I won and two weeks later it came in the mail. It worked in basically perfect condition for four years until I lost it at Disneyworld.
EDIT: I found the post
ZoomJet ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:07:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I believe you
Draaxus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:21:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm submitting this.
sharrrp ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:47:44 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I suppose it would be cheating to just look up the opening line of Sean Penn's new book and use that?
MithrilTuxedo ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 21:09:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is/was the site for the contest: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
Does anyone know why these 2018 results aren't there?
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:11:11 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Different contest.
MithrilTuxedo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah!
Has anyone tried getting a 200-character limit category added to the Bulwer-Lytton contest? Any Lyttle-Lytton submission can be made to Bulwer-Lytton too.
myne ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:36:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Know what'd be hilarious and/or terrifying, reddit?
Throw all of these over to /r/writingprompts one at a time.
Gophurkey ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:19:48 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The petty part of me is so pleased that Bari Weiss and Jordan Peterson both ended up on this for unironic statements
DJ_Mbengas_Taco ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:29:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. I too dislike Jordan Peterson and his fanatics
twisted-teaspoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:00:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why?
Edit: Just to clarify I'm not trolling or anything. So far as I can tell they are just a bunch into self-improvement. Why dislike that?
DJ_Mbengas_Taco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:52:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cause he comes off as an arrogant prick to be perfectly honest.
tynman35 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:01:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Ericโsan had only one goal in life: make Kimikoโchan his waifuโchan."
That's magical.
TitoAndronico ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:51:18 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They had my vote at "Madison."
BESHEE27 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:45:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can this be a subreddit
j0hn_p ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:58:17 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LMAO
ForMoreBestPower ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:10:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My former boss won in 2005. I have never been so surprised to discover someone had a hidden talent.
LitBroski ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:31:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the thumbnail of this thread a picture of chicken flavoured instant noodles?
Isaac_The_Khajiit ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:50:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Asking the important questions.
Chabubu ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:40:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Audacious531 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:40:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As good of a grasp of tone as the Star Wars prequels. I like it.
MpOoNwEeYr ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:35:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I started reading through the previous years' contests and found this gem in the 2016 contest
plump_turkey ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:24:08 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, I want me some incarnitas now.
Selassie_eye ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:40:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Xane Blazer put down his wizend falchion and turned to regard the supple beauty of the Terran ambassador. He would not be returning to the astropod tonight.
XxSliphxX ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:20:36 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The noodles tasted of roasted chicken. The kind found in almost any store. I knew immediately it was instant lunch and that Maruchan was responsible.
doctor_parcival ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:03:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Power of Positivity Facebook page quoted by Clare Fischer
Gobblety_Cong ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:50:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking love this stuff. I don't know if Atlanta Nights by Travis Tea is brought up around here all the time but it should be. It's a whole novel that was written just like this to troll a vanity publisher. It's so great it makes me want to vomit my bones.
http://www.sfwa.org/members/aburt/
Nadarama ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:54:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In eighteen-eighty-something, the most-great Victorian author Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote the most awesome opening sentence of any novel, of all time:
Ever since, we lesser authors have tried to match or surpass that kind of "purple prose" (as lesser critics call it), to no avail; and here we are: solipsistically trying to prove that we have our own the key to perfect writing that Bulwer-Lytton already provided... of course, whole volumes could be written about this (and they have been), but all we need to do is read the original, exquisite prose; and wonder at its perfection...
TK421raw ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:08:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This shit is taylor Made* for the high of mined.
*there No trademark thing on my phone which is just dumb.
abattlescar ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:13:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that your entry?
trouser_mouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:53 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edit -full point
you will find that It is one.
Pixelcitizen98 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 20:45:14 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, basically, it's like the Raspberry Awards for books?
earthwormjimwow ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 20:56:02 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, these are intentionally bad, and they're not from any real novels. These are all the intros to imaginary novels.
jaybeanstalk ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 21:29:43 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
there is a found category iirc
Pixelcitizen98 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:42:04 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see, now.
TheBaconBurpeeBeast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:10:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well there should be a ln award for real awful first lines.
raresaturn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:03:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In that case they are remarkable creative
thesauceisboss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few of those are actually quotes from real authors. Jordan Peterson's quote is the first sentence of a section of his book, but not the first of the whole book.
macboot ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 22:11:35 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, but there is an award for worst sex scene in literature every year. Those entries are fun to read, but I can't remember the title of the contest.
jag_ett ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 22:42:02 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its called "bad sex in fiction award".
Icepick823 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:06:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone needs to introduce them to Sword Art Online Chapter 16.5. It's bad, real bad.
For starters, "Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into Asuna." No, just no. Technically, it's fan-fiction written by the original author, so maybe it doesn't count. That said, it was written, and put online. It's fair game as far as I'm concerned.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reading List of the Lost by Morrissey, which was nominated. It's terrible, not just for the sex scene.
Feminist-Gamer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:25:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would love to see this using real excerpts from real books.
Isaac_The_Khajiit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:49:38 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check 4chan's /lit/ board, they have threads like that occasionally.
BiggerJ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The '25 words or less' rule has been changed to '200 characters or less'.
HumpbackSquirrel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:54:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So do they have to come up with a novel idea too or just the sentence?
Chance_Wylt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:07:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First sentence from Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. Don't look more into it if you love your life.
Kestrelly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:51:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Let me tell you about Sally. Her tits were good."
I mean, some of these have got to get turned into full fledged books, right?
apathyisanartform ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:00:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Angel had it bad. She was the type of girl that made men do that little involuntary spastic dance like they've been putting off going to the bathroom for too long, but for sex.
NimblestheSecond ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:20:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He stood there, staring at the grapes in a Safeway at 2 in the morning. Mark was nothing special, just a receptionist for wells Fargo.
petebrand9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:28:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cars are metal beasts who consume lives in a beastfull manner while us beasts car'fully manipulate the wheel both in the metal beast we're in and the flesh beast we are
snow-ho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Her ass was spongey like cool whip, her dick was covered in marmalde, while she shat out her mornings rasin bran post cereal breakfast.
ButteryFlavory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:46 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Soo dumb... Soo good!
MattL600 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:29:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The little man who was like bilbo baggins, but not bilbo baggins, began his adventure: the rord of the lings.
ButteryFlavory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Winner
coloradonative16 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:06:12 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reunited after years apart our butts finally touched, revealing secrets untold.
bucketbiff ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:08:10 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
she had a face like a tractors cam shaft...but no problem, i reaches for my used tesco bag and applied it to the area's of her face less attractive than i was use too...
OrangeSlime ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:19:23 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The man did not know which which, that which is most delicious, was which.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:07:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The eight people ate dinner at the dinner table and after dinner they ate people.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:25:57 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Gprinziv ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:38:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is different than the Bulwer-Lytton Contest, actually. That can be found at https://bulwer-lytton.com and is usually much funnier.
EyonTheGod ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:17:33 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She woke up inside of a giant uncooked ramen noodles cup, before she could do anything she started to feel a strange thing going inside her, thing she later referred to as a "noodly appendage"
Shreddy_Shreddington ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The scarlet moon rose with all the ominous luminosity of a distant cat's eye glowing in the projection of a scarlet moonlight reflected back unto itself
CharlyDroid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:31:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if this is a different contest but here is another contest that is extremely similar
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
Tehbeefer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Weird, looks like this is separate from the Bulwer-Lytton contest, which goes back to at least 1999.
Nutella-with-chips ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a few lines I'd like to run by the crowd here: "The witching hour hovered accentuating the taciturn sky"
"Winds caressed the dandelion puff soaring it up in the air, escalating it to the new realms of glee and cheer"
Galactic_WiFi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard one a few years ago โflick your bic, crisp that chick, and youโll feel my steel through your last mealโ
kp276 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I realized as rose from the bed from a night of intense pleasure, his pleasure, just how bad my ass hurt.
motorcyclist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:26 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'It was a dark and stormy night...'
UMP-BUMP-FIZZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a sub for something like this?
JulienBrightside ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:14:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The words of poetry came forth through his mouth like a brick through a glass window.
Crixu44 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:00:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
is there a sub for these kind of sentences?
L0sername777 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:42:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was so captivated by his dinner companion he could barely comprehend what she was saying, the words spooling out of her mouth like so much sexy nonsense.
jackchandelier ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:14:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, "in 25 words or less", yet the winner used 27?
TheFiredrake42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:18:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Captain Tommy Thompson stared unseeingly out his office window as the rain fell in sheets like buckets of dirty water thrown from a wash tub.
~~~~~
It was a dark and rainy night; the kind of night that sends shivers to toes and makes your knees go all wibbly wobbly.
~~~~~
Long ago, Mac tried to tell me that the smack would kill me but little did he know, I would be it to it...
~~~~~
I knew then that Stephanie had never really loved me when she looked back through that door and said, "I never really loved you..."
-My submissions, lol
DameofCrones ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:06:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, let's have a Reddit version. I bet I'd get at least the Almost Bronze Tone prize!
Pyr0technician ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:54:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I put on my robe and wizard hat."
ButteryFlavory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not really the first sentence of a novel, but really funny lol
Pyr0technician ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, not the first sentence of a GOOD novel. Which is the whole point. I'd read it, though. : )
hmartin123 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:58:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Personal favorite from the article:
"Our eyes are always pointing at things we are interested in approaching, or investigating, or looking at, or having." - Jordan Petersen
"Haileighe Summers sat, tears crossing her azure eyes, as Xackary Florets, the chestnutโhaired love of her life, lay expiring.โ" โDaria
Gabe_Follower ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:44 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why is the thumbnail ramen noodles for me
gridzbispudvetch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the first image on the page
NvEnd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But still..
Aerotactics ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:02:02 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck does this have to do with Maruchan Ramen?
Smoke3Joints ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:18 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I'll be the one to ask, why is the thumbnail a picture of a Ramen Roast chicken flavor soup cup... lol ๐?
Sultanoshred ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:22:40 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Titlegore...
TheLadyEve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:41 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the joke! That's what Bulwer-Lytton/Lyttle Lytton are all about.
PersonalHello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:51 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't be the only one who checked to see what the ramen was all about.
trappedrorschach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:00 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love how the last quote was written by James Franco. I wonder how he would react to being on this list?
peverbian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:09 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once saw a site that had entries for the second sentence for a long winded first sentence basically saying โit was a dark and stormy night.โ One of the entries had me in stitches and was equally long winded and something like โBut Fypndor, the strongest and bravest of the lamp flames raised up and proclaimed, โNay, tonight shall not be the night of our extinguishmentโ. Wish I could find that but my google-fu has this far failed me.
gridzbispudvetch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last night I had a dream where I was writing this book and then the birds came to take my paper and I died. OUCH!!!!!!!
Another one:
Placeholder text placeholder text my editor's right there need to look busy please remember to delete this text text text text
And another:
In her imagination he was a lioness, except he was a guy so just a bald lion. Wait no lionesses aren't bald are they? Idfk
Another:
[editor's note: this entire first chapter is the author's cat walking on the keyboard, which I couldn't be bothered to remove] ducisjbsjziaAiaIagahskbzjshjwh...
Edit: just submitted the placeholder text one
PatrickSlayZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:56 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL Sally has good tits.
sadsandwichwoman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Garrett felt he knew her knew her like he knew his own hand.
TheOtherPenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:30 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Late entry but...
โWe celebrate Fridayโs for the promise of a weekend yet we ignore the inevitability of Monday like it were a Sunday morning conversation with our Saturday night hookupโ
TheOtherPenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โMy thumb didnโt quite smell like it used to and, as the fire continued to bellow at my back, I couldnโt stop myself from laughing.โ
TiagoTiagoT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was expecting the best would've been left for last; but they just got lamer :/
Bythmark ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:51 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The later entries/selections were pretty weak this year. The contest is up and down in quality, it's worth checking previous years out if you're new. Some truly hilarious lines to be found.
raresaturn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:33 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I shot off an entry for next year's comp, but after reading all the past winners I realize I am a total amateur at bad opening lines.
WikipediaBurntSienna ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Click here to remove commentary"
I feel like that's quite self aware considering the subject matter
impossiblebottle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:35 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The perennial category "Murder of people and of the language" has me dead
DeltaPositionReady ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Humans are to be feared Krash Krondog, they were Greeble Bartlaps from the Derringle Huffleblat, and that squickened his queckles. Let's kill them..."
Literally any post from /r/HFY
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:07 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Dylan
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:21 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had submitted this:
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:11 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would steal a line from one of Ryan Trecartin's films and submit that. Needless to say his movies are awfully hilarious.
shanster925 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:20 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so glad this exists.
DabIMON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is fantastic
the7thfloor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Striker, bloody straight-razor in hand, looked evilly into the reflectionless mirror in his brotherโs girlfriendโs elf-slaveโs bathroom, and the mirror represented self reflection.
nat2r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sound about right
SmittyFromAbove ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:27 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The gyration of the gyro proved it wasn't the food we deserved but the one we needed so desperately.
Wicck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:42 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bob slapped a wet trout to the table and looked me in the eye. "Get naked."
Nah, too compelling.
mrcubby1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:29 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is there a cup of roasted noodle here
Owyn_Merrilin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did anyone get the reference that the checklist one was supposedly making? Only thing I can think of is loss.jpg, but it's not lined up right for that.
gimmer0074 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โThe Crime Lads have done it again,โ I realized grimly, surveying my dead wife.
mackavicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A wild Allie Brosh appears!
DemonicSnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:24 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those aren't the rules afaik. You need to just be under the 200 character limit. It doesn't even need to be just one sentence.
coffee_o ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hadn't heard of this before, and that's tragic.
nd_annajones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:02 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of the beautiful Write Like Sarah Palin contest after her unreadable book was published.
Explod3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Has Anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like?
AsteroidMiner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:15 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure that if we submitted a bunch of /r/subredditsimulator thread titles we would get one winner.
RoderickFarva ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet someone could win by quoting Trump
ohgodspidersno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So basically r/writingprompts?
phord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:04 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This I remember from some Bulwar-lytton entry:
Nibiria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:01 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The most interesting thing here is that there's supposedly an entry from Allie Brosh. If that's actually her I'm glad to see she's still around.
ICC-u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:32 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder how many submissions they were able to filter just by searching the words "Donald Trump"
RabidFoxz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:22 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are not stories the Jedi would tell.
woanders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:29:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/titlegore
darklordofthememe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:39 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At last the vault door swung lazily open, but Charlie couldn't be bothered to check inside
eschewpanache ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't Dan Brown win that annually without even trying?
shushbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:21:06 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I kind of unironically love this one.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:38:31 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ButteryFlavory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:23 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The third one is dope
Mintap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:49 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was a stormy and dark night.
Or maybe this is worse: It was a stormy and dark knight.
nyrangers30 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:55:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!RemindMe 1 year
ensiform ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:40 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve been reading this contest since the beginning! So much great stuff here. Thanks for posting!
col-fancypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:48 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's like 13 Reasons, Hunger Games, Divergent, and Twilight were all condensed into one sentence. Literature has gone to far.
coolguy420weed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:28 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHow could I have done this?โ cried Jeremy, during a solemn reaction to his beloved corpse, whom he called a wife.โ โJude Loveless
wow
Blood_13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:01:25 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like how a lot of these "worst" first sentences sound like they belong in a Douglas Adams novel... And anyone who says he was even remotely close to being bad at writing is someone who ought not be judging literature on any scale.
shrimply-pibbles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PM_ME_YOUR_LATKES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am so stealing this as a creative writing exercise for my classroom. Does anyone know of other contests similar to this?
OninWar_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:48 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is my all time favorite post on /r/books
hexmedia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:44:45 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought some of those were pretty good!
CaptainBayouBilly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:59 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The projected winner of the 2016 presidential election is Donald J. Trump.
fullofspiders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:17 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure you can judge a sentence without context very well. Many of those sentences could work well, depending on what the author was trying to do.
metman787 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL Douglas Adams is a shitty writer.
redtiebear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:52 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had no idea how Allie Brosh was going to reenter my life, but I'm so happy this is how it did.
ButteryFlavory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:50 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It had always been Merle Manroy's ultimate dream to take a speed of light rocket ride around the sun, but alas, it wouldn't be feasibile due to the sun possessing the ultimate power of over 15 industrial sized halogen bulbs making it the ultimate thorn in the side of Manroy's consciousness.... It was simply too hot for old Merle!
LostGundyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:44 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โTexas โCheap Shotโ Jack, the famous Newark poker player, sighed about his life. Matters of the heartโโunlike the hearts he held in his handโโcould not be folded so easily.
Sam Coppiniโ
God thatโs fucking terrible and amazing.
overactive-bladder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a bit out of context, but can i PLEASE share a tweet in the same vein as the theme here?
"feminism is a cancer" he typed, vaping and chugging mountain dew "it's killing us men." The microwave dinged, his taquitos were ready
overactive-bladder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:14 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let me tell you about Sally. Her tits were good.
what's wrong with this??
ButteryFlavory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:00 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Becky's body was amazing. No, that was an understatement. It was really amazing.
Golden_Spider666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:10 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the title even trying to say?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:19 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, thank you very much! Full disclosure: I recall reading the punchline (stark and dormy night) in something related to this contest when I was a kid (pre-Reddit for sure, probably pre-internet) but I recreated the setup myself. . .๐
_aD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:42 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Being a Star Trek fan, I had to look up the Star Trek entry. The referenced character was played by Teri Hatcher and was a...wait for it...transporter operator. Context makes this entry even more bizarre, if possible
thesauceisboss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:52 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a Jordan Peterson quote in there, hahaha
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 00:26:54 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
nklvh ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:14:43 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's almost like it's a yearly thing
Name_Checker_Outer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:28:09 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last time it was 2017.
This was 2018.
How do you not follow?
Halk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:43:55 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's lots of really good examples posted as comments here but the one from OP is absolutely perfect I think because it was entirely unexpected.
daboijohnralph ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:28:37 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I've never actually read a novel so to me all these sound like perfectly fine sentences.
thenacho1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:16:13 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The submissions are pretty funny, but the commentary on them is pretty bad. The editor has a tendency to try to expand on or explain the submissions, which, much like explaining a joke, does not go over very well.
lispychicken ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:45:16 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What I've learned today - there are a lot of sad, lonely and desperate writers out there living our awkward fantasies through worse writing.
NewlandStreet ยท -95 points ยท Posted at 18:11:24 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Psst - it's Bulwer-Lytton.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 18:18:15 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Psst - no it's not.
LBJsPNS ยท -96 points ยท Posted at 18:33:25 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Wikipedia:
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) is a tongue-in-cheek contest, held annually and sponsored by the English Department of San Jose State University in San Jose, California. Entrants are invited "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels" โ that is, deliberately bad.
๐๏ธ RouserVoko ยท 121 points ยท Posted at 18:42:59 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Cadre#Lyttle_Lytton_Contest
I understand - and often experience - the urge to rush in and condescendingly correct someone whenever it seems the opportunity is presenting itself, but I recommend doing some rudimentary fact-checking just in case before starting to type.
revchewie ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 18:58:24 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL thereโs a second contest like the Bulwer-Lytton.
Charcharbinks23 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:00:38 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
GOT HEEM
LBJsPNS ยท -188 points ยท Posted at 18:45:05 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So you're reporting on a "diminutive derivative" rather than the real thing. Got it.
PeachPlumParity ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 19:46:11 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh and he goes for the double-down! Interesting tactic but I don't think it's going to pay off
Reita-Skeeta ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 21:03:03 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bold move
MrTraveljuice ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:32:52 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reckless even. Can he pull this one off?
VredeJohn ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 18:48:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And you are correcting people despite being wrong.
PmMeYour_Breasticles ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:01:27 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you feel about Pepsi?
BthreePO ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:51:12 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a diminutive derivative of Coke
beebish ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 19:30:42 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seems like they are both real things
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:30:22 on May 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So you were incorrect and instead of apologizing you just decided to complain about the false assumption that you yourself had?