scotchycaldwell · 1381 points · Posted at 23:10:55 on November 24, 2015 · (Permalink)

She should have used a Microsoft blanket to soak up the mess.

NerdyRomantic · 487 points · Posted at 02:23:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Microsoft surface soaks better.

XXVIIMAN · 318 points · Posted at 04:28:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You guys Excel at puns. If I can have a word, you should run for Office.

ShadowcatX2000 · 191 points · Posted at 04:32:56 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That's a cheery outlook.

shoopdahoop22 · 188 points · Posted at 04:42:06 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

He's got a powerpoint.

remember_morick_yori · 123 points · Posted at 04:57:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Someone's opened the Gates for a lot of jokes here.

Firecracker500 · 105 points · Posted at 06:33:49 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I should be searching for Jobs right now, but i don't think i'll find one.

careless25 · 99 points · Posted at 07:33:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This ones a bad Apple

2ndzero · 32 points · Posted at 12:01:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

iPod your honesty

Sepica · 43 points · Posted at 12:25:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is where I'll Zune out

TheWhitestNinja · 5 points · Posted at 15:50:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is getting out of ctrl

Kamtre · 5 points · Posted at 17:22:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You should enter into the world of alt jokes.

srxcustom · 3 points · Posted at 17:51:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Kindle-y taper out the puns

GhostHitsMusic · 3 points · Posted at 19:35:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Can we just keep this PC?

startsbadpunchains · 3 points · Posted at 16:24:43 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Damn I'm always late...

Kim_Jong_OON · 2 points · Posted at 14:40:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Meh, getting a call on m iPhone anyways.

WoodHouse21 · 2 points · Posted at 15:05:37 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

One note though, dont forget to X the box for more puns

ApprenticeTheNoob · 2 points · Posted at 15:07:00 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[X] The Box

ColacX · 1 points · Posted at 15:10:43 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

At least the Windows is open now. Let some Aero in.

KasseanaTheGreat · 1 points · Posted at 15:19:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Doing that may get you the extra Edge you need

jvlpdillon · 1 points · Posted at 16:52:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I see this turning into someone's Project on the Vista.

hadanish · 1 points · Posted at 18:31:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is where it stops in my XPrience.

PM_c · 60 points · Posted at 06:58:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What the fuck rhymes with Wozniak?

tacticaljuke · 74 points · Posted at 07:37:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

orange

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 10:43:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And silver

SundayWorks · 5 points · Posted at 13:21:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And crack cocaine

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 11:56:04 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Everything rhymes with orange

No_buddy_cares · 1 points · Posted at 20:58:59 on November 28, 2015 · (Permalink)

Incorrect, everything and orange have two completely different ending sounds

Pepermint15 · 1 points · Posted at 16:21:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

low range

Imallabouthetaste · 22 points · Posted at 09:13:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Hoes be wack

PM_c · 2 points · Posted at 11:55:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

you have just opened a door into a huge realm for me.

VectorLightning · 3 points · Posted at 13:07:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

Seuss mode engaged.

Some maniac in Pontiac driving a Cadillac looking for lilac. He had a knack for ending up on the tarmac, and there was no lack of flack from Mack the security guard, who thought he was here looking for smack.

latelikethepolice · 13 points · Posted at 12:51:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

idk why are we rhyming? can i try?

Relapse with a dandy laugh we attack  
Handicap wozniak, gauze attached at  
His ballsack then sic a cat to scratch at  
And strap a kayak to his neck till it  
Disconnects in the flesh, next we bust both  
Kneecaps he's slow the Windows Vista flow  
Sister deepthroats ten dildos while it loads  
Then chokes, I'll force choke this dick down your throat  
He feels cold he knows there's no going home  
You can have the load bout to put one in his dome  
So he's bout to blue screen when I reload  
Make amends with the feds with the head then pretend  
Windows 10 is sliced bread 10 out of 10  
To lose our scent, I guess the ruse is spent  
Since he's dead, AND I GOT FORCE UPGRADED  
**I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT JUST GIVE ME 7 YOU DICKS**

Dylanmoore187 · 2 points · Posted at 18:05:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I need to overdose on something lethal, love being comatose'd from the weed in the pen needle, its illegal but im here at the steeple in my buik regal making a pt. 2 sequal, I hate people I wish you'd all croak, Ill take you out on my boat, slit your throat then claim you had a stroke and fell overboard when you lost your rain coat, im insane dope with a bottle of gin, ready to sin with your little sister and her twin friend, they give me a slow spin then show skin, I dove in but I cant swim so I skim by..the skin of my teeth in disbelief

DirtyWhiteTrousers · 1 points · Posted at 14:20:59 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is good. We should spit on a track sometime.

klatnyelox · 1 points · Posted at 15:11:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That damn assonance. No need for a meter if you got that dat ass(onance).

Halomasterofdoom · 1 points · Posted at 17:03:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This was eminem-esque

PM_c · 1 points · Posted at 20:12:44 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

too much fellatio.

once more with feeling....

latelikethepolice · 1 points · Posted at 22:48:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Atleast I can rhyme wozniak.

dustcoatindicator · 3 points · Posted at 14:05:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

nickleback

heyskinnylegs · 2 points · Posted at 14:31:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

be right back

estoniass · 2 points · Posted at 14:59:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Cognac?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:29:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

zombie attack

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:01:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

wozniac will prolly cause the zombie attack dawn of the mac, conciousness has gone to an app javascript math is pondering the proper syntax to launch an atomic blast and turn us all into ash

Pepermint15 · 2 points · Posted at 16:20:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

cognac

finalbauce · 2 points · Posted at 16:29:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Cognac

eyekwah2 · -7 points · Posted at 07:44:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Shutup and take my upvote!

PresNixon · 2 points · Posted at 13:02:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

http://i.imgur.com/GZpcoM0.jpg

divide_by_hero · 12 points · Posted at 07:35:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What dos that have to do with anything?

dpierrot · 3 points · Posted at 06:37:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I Publish job ads.

ScubaSteve-0 · 4 points · Posted at 15:29:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

If I could just leave OneNote here. I think we can all agree that these jokes are becoming a Project.

zhytwos · -1 points · Posted at 05:44:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

thats not my jobs

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 05:37:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'd give you a 10, but it's not stable enough.

eyekwah2 · 3 points · Posted at 07:45:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Why would you only give him a 2? I thought it was worth more.

NotGod_DavidBowie · 13 points · Posted at 04:59:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Clever, yet access-able.

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 05:47:04 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Visio

Halomasterofdoom · 1 points · Posted at 17:04:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

So is your mom...ZING!

walkerg1991 · 64 points · Posted at 05:03:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You guys need to get all these out of your system...32 puns wont make this thread any better

sc0neman · 72 points · Posted at 05:10:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I just have One Note for you guys: don't make too many puns or your brain MightGrowSoft

JamesonRH · 44 points · Posted at 06:07:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That happens in my office 365 days a year.

4-20BlazeItMan · 26 points · Posted at 07:54:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Only if you have Access to it though

thro2011 · 13 points · Posted at 08:06:39 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ask your office assistant for a paperclip that might help

saintNIC · 4 points · Posted at 08:08:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

So hungry..need a Bing Bar to kill the Edge.

Swagstah · -2 points · Posted at 09:26:49 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

yo mama sucks dick

NoPandasHere · 2 points · Posted at 12:39:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Stop ribbon me

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:42:39 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Computer software.

SlaughterDog · 3 points · Posted at 08:09:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You think there’d be a Registry for threads like this.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:05:15 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

benjimaestro · 2 points · Posted at 08:07:46 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Kinda hungry. Waiter, Start Menu!

eyekwah2 · 11 points · Posted at 07:49:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

At least there's a Silverlight in this cloud: one man's recycle bin is another man's cache.

ProPronoun · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I dunno, is 64 better than 32?

bunnymellow · 1 points · Posted at 08:16:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

But 64 puns will

rjamesm8 · 24 points · Posted at 05:06:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

+2000 xp

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 05:17:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

rjamesm8 · 3 points · Posted at 05:35:59 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Sorry m8 i wish you mega bites out of a good cheeseburger and a refreshed outlook on life.

Edit: and many bumbum pm's

ackeba · 10 points · Posted at 04:59:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'll give you a 98 for that one.

tejinator · 4 points · Posted at 05:36:19 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Really? I would have given him a 7, but since our current lifestyle is so PC, I will upgrade him to a 10 for free! ^terms ^and ^conditions ^apply

MeganFoxsVibrator · 1 points · Posted at 13:07:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

We should take him out to the Vista and leave him there while he cries "why ME"

temporalarcheologist · 7 points · Posted at 04:57:49 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[pun incorporating Word]

PM_c · 2 points · Posted at 06:59:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

i didn't know that was allowed.

Izzy10235 · 6 points · Posted at 07:03:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

DOS not compute!

calvinshobbs · 5 points · Posted at 07:33:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Death is laughing so hard his screen turned blue...wait...I messed that up...

TheManlyBanana · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'll make a note of that

text_fish · 1 points · Posted at 08:53:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Those are suite puns.

Mojeaux18 · 1 points · Posted at 10:15:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

He had access to all the great material.

hedinc · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Word!

Halomasterofdoom · 1 points · Posted at 17:01:48 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

But its only OnePoint...

darth-agnon · 1 points · Posted at 11:07:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Do it online, here's a Skype for business....

Do!

stairwellington · 1 points · Posted at 13:03:49 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It looks like you're trying to write a PUN. Would like some help with that?

HateCopyPastComments · 1 points · Posted at 13:07:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

har fucking har

magikot · 1 points · Posted at 15:32:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I have this One Note that the Office will expire in 365 days.

GunwashACE · 1 points · Posted at 16:23:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It's the holidays time to break out my joke

SirChoGath · 1 points · Posted at 16:37:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Run for Office you say? You must be one heck of a Task Manager

nomnomattacksdomo · 1 points · Posted at 08:05:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Word

[deleted] · 47 points · Posted at 03:16:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thank you.

H4xolotl · 52 points · Posted at 04:46:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

f̽̌̍͛o͔̔͑̎̆r͎̟̦̘͇̹̎͆̌ yo̜u̦r͙͎͈͇̓ͨ͛ a͐͗ͩs͉̭̝̖̻̝̓ͦͨ͒͂s̭̳̭̗i̭̲̘̝̥̩͑̽͊͊̚ͅs̜̼͚̦t̻̦̰͙̗̻͐̊a͓̹͇̣̹̩̩̾́̌̒ͧn͇ͧ͑͋͂ͦ͛̚c̺͙͍͖̤͌̏̋ë͔̣̖̝́ͧͤͭ̋͛

KILL THEM ALL KILL THEM ALL KILL THEM ALL

Shisa4123 · 73 points · Posted at 04:49:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Excuse me sir, I need to see your license to spook.

[deleted] · 58 points · Posted at 04:53:19 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Shisa4123 · 43 points · Posted at 04:55:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

carry on ^{^{^{^{^{^{^my}}}}}} ^{^{^{^{^{^{^wayward}}}}}} ^{^{^{^{^{^{^son}}}}}}

Azul788 · 16 points · Posted at 05:09:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

For the people that see this comment and wanted to listen as well.

Uytob · 5 points · Posted at 05:13:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

How... how did you know??

Azul788 · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Edit: Nevermind... I think.

zhytwos · 2 points · Posted at 05:43:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

you edited wrong

playmoky · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Wh..Why did u listen?

MyBestFriendAndI · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I came, I saw, I clicked. I rocked.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 05:05:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

PM_c · 5 points · Posted at 07:00:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ah, Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms, great read.

wyldside · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

that's as broken as it gets!

BlockMeAmadeus · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

UPDOOT IN 420.69 SECONDS OR LOSE ALL CALCIUMZ IN UR ARM BONEZ!!!`1!!!!!111!!!

Haddas · 1 points · Posted at 12:18:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I think your comment is dumb...

...but just in case

BlockMeAmadeus · 1 points · Posted at 13:59:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

r/ledootgeneration was leaking.

klatnyelox · 1 points · Posted at 15:13:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Of course, his comment is stupid...

...But maybe, just maybe, he has some eldritch power over the calcium in my bones, and I should updoot.

Now how do I updoot?

vizzmay · 0 points · Posted at 10:29:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You lost your arms because yo momma forgot to thank mr skeltal.

PM_Me_Your_DDs_Plz · 3 points · Posted at 04:53:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ahh.. Thanks

Itsoknoshhhhh · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

How'd you do that 0.o

kaouthakis · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Woah, that reference. Haven't seen that one in a while, even in /r/leagueoflegends

chironomidae · 14 points · Posted at 03:58:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Maybe would've been better if she'd used SOAP

builtforcameron · 21 points · Posted at 04:05:52 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What the hell kind of name is soap?

martialsporK · 17 points · Posted at 04:17:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Now THAT is a phrase I have not heard in a long time.

AssassinMasterStefan · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Oh my. I do agree.

ButtIsItArt · 1 points · Posted at 08:49:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I think my uncle knows it. He said it was dead.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 04:13:31 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It's a standard for communication/serialisation in computing.

JohnTheGladiator · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

My first thought too. You know you're in IT when...

Techguy10110 · 1 points · Posted at 05:58:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

a good game

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 04:32:56 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Oh, give it a REST

happynupe · 1 points · Posted at 04:13:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Cloud

MalformedPacket · 1 points · Posted at 14:37:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It'll be quite a Project to clean it all up again. I hope you don't expect ME to do it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:31 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Sanjay Singh and the Surface Shitters

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 03:27:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

the Jizzle?

zoup203 · 6 points · Posted at 04:26:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

bro thats to much visual, not at all what i expected to see today

imknuckingfuts · 8 points · Posted at 07:15:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Microsoft Blanket: Coming Soon.

http://i.imgur.com/tPCzVH4.png

immewnity · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I actually own a Dell blanket, would that suffice?

Chazae · 1 points · Posted at 09:45:45 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Memes*

buffoonery4U · 1 points · Posted at 14:22:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Didn't ShamWow have an app for that?

Praydaythemice · 1 points · Posted at 16:58:02 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

this entire pun chain needs to leave right now

StorminXX · 1 points · Posted at 17:19:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Should have asked Bob.

Rearranger_ · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:24 on November 26, 2015 · (Permalink)

Word.

CrabbyBlueberry · 2500 points · Posted at 00:07:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

My Blackberry is frozen^[1]

[1]

My blackberry is not working - BBC

Subscribe and 🔔 to the BBC 👉 https://bit.ly/BBCYouTubeSub
Watch the BBC first on iPlayer 👉 https://bbc.in/iPlayer-Home Ronnie Corbett and Harry Enfield star in this fruity sketch from The One Ronnie, written by Dawson Bros.

Comic legend Ronnie Corbett appears alongside some of the biggest names in British comedy, in sketches featuring everything from a superannuated superhero to a stage-struck dog.

The One Ronnie | BBC

#TheOneRonnie #BBCComedy #BBC
All our TV channels and S4C are available to watch live through BBC iPlayer, although some programmes may not be available to stream online due to rights. If you would like to read more on what types of programmes are available to watch live, check the 'Are all programmes that are broadcast available on BBC iPlayer?' FAQ 👉 https://bbc.in/2m8ks6v.

ElectroBoof · 1068 points · Posted at 02:28:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Eggs box £3.60

Genius

tazack · 474 points · Posted at 03:15:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The whole thing was worth it, but when he dropped the "Eggs Box 3.60" line, it became a legend.

Awesome-o_O · 117 points · Posted at 03:24:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It was by far the crème de la crème of that skit....10/10

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:46:02 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It was by far the Cream Egg of that skit....10/10

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 04:30:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 06:27:43 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Eggs box £1

FTFY

Sheazer · -8 points · Posted at 08:09:37 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You can't take away my freedom units.

noncomprende · 3 points · Posted at 17:47:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I teach in a primary school (5-11 year olds) and one of my kids asked if I'd get him an Xbox One for his birthday. I gave him an egg box with a one drew on in permanent marker. Oh how laughed!! Well he didn't laugh but the rest of us did ...

flyingfcuk13 · 2 points · Posted at 05:56:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Prices dropped for that egg box now it's on sale for one

Menospan · 115 points · Posted at 03:28:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

i didnt get the joke when I read your comment

but then he said it in the video, and it hit me like a brick

must have been the accent

unoriginalsin · 32 points · Posted at 05:00:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Same here, but it was because I read it as "three pound sixty."

Grevling89 · 1 points · Posted at 09:46:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You filthy imperialist!

witlessusername · 16 points · Posted at 03:10:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thanks to your comment, I know what it is before even clicking the link. :)

2username · 9 points · Posted at 05:48:45 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I like your username

PM_ME_YOUR_NUDE_LEGS · 8 points · Posted at 09:38:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I like your username2

klatnyelox · 1 points · Posted at 15:15:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

how many nude legs you got PMd?

PM_ME_YOUR_NUDE_LEGS · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:34 on December 8, 2015 · (Permalink)

None yet actually. Just the picture of Peter griffin with legs

klatnyelox · 1 points · Posted at 06:17:34 on December 8, 2015 · (Permalink)

Hah!

PM_ME_YOUR_NUDE_LEGS · 1 points · Posted at 07:43:04 on December 8, 2015 · (Permalink)

Someday though. Someday.

witlessusername · 4 points · Posted at 06:00:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thanks! I like yours, too.

February30th · 20 points · Posted at 07:32:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Get a room.

cATSup24 · 2 points · Posted at 14:10:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Get real

PM_titties_pleeease · 4 points · Posted at 08:51:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I preferred your first username

kendramorgenson · 6 points · Posted at 03:55:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I think that's a lot for eggs is that just a dozen are they jumbo.

Berrybeak · 1 points · Posted at 07:28:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Free range, organic, extra large duck eggsbox: £3.60

kendramorgenson · 2 points · Posted at 14:54:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I can't scramble duck eggs as well but that's cool I like them in my orange juice.

acronymious · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:08 on November 26, 2015 · (Permalink)

Here in the U.S., a dozen "large" (regular) eggs are $3.59USD at the "normal " grocery store. At the discount stores the prices range from $1.29 to $2.29. Of course, we did recently have a an alleged mass shortage of laying hens.

backsing · 2 points · Posted at 16:55:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

uhh.. if you want to buy that, you have to go to Pay Station #4

ElectroBoof · 1 points · Posted at 18:34:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[HowToBasic shudders]

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:28:57 on December 18, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

ElectroBoof · 1 points · Posted at 18:45:33 on December 18, 2015 · (Permalink)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 04:17:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

For those who don't get it, it's Xbox 360

MonsieurGuigui · 2 points · Posted at 10:14:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thanks, as a non-native speaker, that one really went over my head & reading the comment I couldn't figure it out.

insanestratt · 183 points · Posted at 00:23:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

that was some quality humor!

FlyingPasta · 67 points · Posted at 02:49:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I really like how they spoke, it was so hearty.

CookieTheSlayer · 38 points · Posted at 03:03:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

One of the sole reasons I watch British stuff here. Other than the amazing quality ofc

thisjustgotweird · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Do you have any recommendations?

english-23 · 6 points · Posted at 07:46:44 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

IT crowd is supposedly good and I like Sherlock

Ofcyouare · 5 points · Posted at 08:05:19 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Jeeves and Wooster is really good, also IT Crowd, a bit of Fry and Laurie.

progboy · 4 points · Posted at 10:32:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Peep Show

ShortestTallGuy · 3 points · Posted at 11:58:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

'That Mitchell and Webb Look' was always one of my favourites.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 15:16:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I liked Black Books on Netflix.

misswimp · 8 points · Posted at 05:38:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

They call it humour, actually.

[deleted] · 67 points · Posted at 02:17:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Four candles

bradygilg · 41 points · Posted at 04:08:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Non-shit quality.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaGpaj2nHIo

Misterandrist · 9 points · Posted at 04:55:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What's the joke about billhooks supposed to mean? The only thing I can think of is pillock. But that doesn't really make sense given that he saw it written.

sk8r2000 · 21 points · Posted at 05:12:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Bollocks. I always thought this was a bit of a let-down of a punchline for an otherwise stellar sketch

elticblue · 15 points · Posted at 09:27:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ronnie Barker did say he later thought the punchline should be the shop assistant leaving and a large breasted woman replacing him who looks at the note and asks "what size knockers do you want then?"

almaperdida · 7 points · Posted at 05:14:37 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

from the wikipedia page:

At this point the shopkeeper, having had enough, snatches the shopping list the customer has been holding to complete the order without any confusions. However, he then seems to take offence at something written on the list. He decides he cannot tolerate the customer any longer and calls his assistant from the back to complete the order. The assistant reveals that the request was for billhooks. The audience is intended to infer that the shopkeeper misread it as bollocks or pillocks.

radio_room · 4 points · Posted at 06:49:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

/r/britishtalesofretail

ImNotVeryOrginal · 3 points · Posted at 05:19:46 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Bollocks, testicles.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:18:00 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Cheers!

AlonzoMoseley · 11 points · Posted at 04:18:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The original and best. Pure genius. Anyone who like the Blackberry one should check this out.

For those who are unfamiliar, the Blackberry clip is a homage to this one, starring one of the surviving members of the Two Ronnies, with the role played by the departed one being filled in by another famous comedian, Harry Enfield.

adambulski · 5 points · Posted at 04:44:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Very funny. But some things went over my head. Either I couldn't understand then or didn't know what they were talking about.

Vancha · 2 points · Posted at 05:08:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Out of curiosity, what failed to cross the cultural divide?

adambulski · 1 points · Posted at 05:15:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The second thing, about plugs I think. And what really threw me was the ending, what are billhooks?

Vancha · 3 points · Posted at 05:33:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

He said he wanted plugs for the bathroom, so the store owner gets plugs for the sink when he meant an electrical plug.

This is a billhook, but the joke is that he would have asked for something that sounded like pillock (British slang for an idiot).

featherfooted · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

homophone for "bollocks" which literally means balls/testicles but is used similarly to how Americans use "bullshit"

The shopkeeper would have asked "What do you want next?" and the man would have sounded like he was saying "oh, you know, just some random bullshit" but the other shopkeeper reveals the man wanted bollocks/"billhooks"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:17:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It's like a sickle. Sounds like "bollocks"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:16:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Sore tips - saw tips?
Which part?

mtnorgard · 26 points · Posted at 04:21:56 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Fuck that dongle bit, even the actor is trying not to laugh.

psych0fish · 1 points · Posted at 14:51:06 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

He looked like he was about half a second away from breaking

TheRandomRGU · 1 points · Posted at 16:38:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

If you find that funny you should check out Mrs. Browns Boys. They leave some of the fails in sometimes and include the actors laughing at the jokes.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:29:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

i didn't get what that referred to :/

CardMeHD · 1 points · Posted at 17:51:06 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

http://i.imgur.com/tTc9cKQ.gif

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:55:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

i understood 'dongle' referring to penis, but how does that relate to what's happening?

MushinZero · 2 points · Posted at 18:20:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

A dongle is a small usb device such as a wifi dongle.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:34:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

ohhh. i'll rewatch the vid now, thanks.

joshuaoha · 58 points · Posted at 02:54:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

The only pun I didn't get was the one about the orange.

EDIT: Got it. Thanks international redditors.

oskiller · 111 points · Posted at 03:01:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Orange is a wireless service provider in the UK. Heard about it when I went to London a few years ago.

ButtsexEurope · 14 points · Posted at 03:33:52 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And France.

Ajor_Ahai · 1 points · Posted at 11:57:06 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And black spots are where there's no network on the map.

bhatbhai · 22 points · Posted at 03:09:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Orange is a network in Europe.

A-Kenno · 10 points · Posted at 03:12:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Also exists in Jordan.

Shrinky-Dinks · 2 points · Posted at 04:23:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And Africa.

Drink2Meditate · 4 points · Posted at 04:32:57 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And Nagpur.

pielover928 · 3 points · Posted at 04:50:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

AND MY AXE!

DrProbably · 3 points · Posted at 11:22:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Whatyearisit.jpg

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:25:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And countries east of germany

Emergency_going_on · 5 points · Posted at 03:01:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It's the name of a mobile phone service provision company in the UK.

Cycleoflife · -1 points · Posted at 03:57:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Orange is the new black

[deleted] · 74 points · Posted at 01:22:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

always have loved british humor

What_The_Shoe · 32 points · Posted at 01:44:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The accent doesn't hurt, either.

[deleted] · 33 points · Posted at 02:54:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Being English myself, I know they're putting on voices & because there's no need to, it's annoying.

What_The_Shoe · 128 points · Posted at 02:55:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

you'reruiningitfortheamericans

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 03:03:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94MHFI-Cztg he has a nice polite voice, not all east end London like he is putting on for that clip

AltairdeFiren · 15 points · Posted at 03:34:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

He sounds like a Tolkien character. Kinda looks like one too. Interesting...

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 04:11:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Gexthelizardwizard · 1 points · Posted at 08:18:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'll tel you what's wrong with it, its dead!

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 03:49:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'm British too and know many British people who find this hilarious. The accents add to the humour imo.

Hope this un-ruins things for you :).

cesrep · 5 points · Posted at 03:54:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I bet you're real popular at parties huh?

whirl-pool · -1 points · Posted at 04:41:46 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I found r/what_the_shoe 's American.

DoNotBelieveThisUser · 9 points · Posted at 03:12:04 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Is this typical British humor? I'm really impressed. Funny stuff lol

JamesIgnatius27 · 25 points · Posted at 04:33:19 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You would love "A Bit of Fry and Laurie", then. Where Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry made their starts, I believe. There's four seasons and a lot of the scenes are hilarious.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 06:14:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Personally, I prefer them in Blackadder. Fry and Laurie is a bit too hit and miss for me.

JamesIgnatius27 · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Fry and Laurie was hit and miss in the last two seasons I think, but I never got into Blackadder too much. Absolutely love Jeeves and Wooster though!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:30:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

For Blackadder, did you start with the first season? You should know it is considered the worst one. I highly recommend starting with the second one. The seasons are also not connected, so it's fine to skip one.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The end made me literally laugh out loudly, which happens probably less than once a month. Thanks, dude!

Inle-rah · 3 points · Posted at 06:08:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Last year stumbled upon Fry & Laurie and got lost for days! Friggin' hilarious! Then got lost in QI. Actually purchased the DVDs.

Etonet · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Was this cut off?

MichaelRosen9 · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:15 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I love the buildup in this skit. At the start I didn't think it was that good but by the end I was laughing uproariously.

DuoThree · 1 points · Posted at 06:23:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It's just puns on puns.

EndOfStream · 27 points · Posted at 03:43:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I understood everything but the orange joke 😐

phalamir · 33 points · Posted at 03:55:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It's a UK service provider

coolblue420 · 5 points · Posted at 04:10:02 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thanks!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 22:05:08 on November 27, 2015 · (Permalink)

You're not the same guy...

coolblue420 · 1 points · Posted at 22:18:26 on November 27, 2015 · (Permalink)

And? Was still thankful due to the fact they provided an answer my question.

BurtKocain · 0 points · Posted at 05:23:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It's actually France Telecom...

BreezyBlink · 19 points · Posted at 02:08:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Hey, It's Tony and Effy's dad from Skins!

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 07:24:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Harry Enfield is a famous comedian first and foremost.

twitchchat9000 · 7 points · Posted at 03:05:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

British humor is the best humor

mortalomena · 4 points · Posted at 02:22:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That made my day. Thank you.

ClasherDricks · 3 points · Posted at 02:53:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I almost hated that, then it was hilarious.

xCoachHines · 1 points · Posted at 17:25:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Same. Almost left the video at halfway, but then I decided to stick it out. The second half was way funnier.

sssyjackson · 4 points · Posted at 03:52:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Lost it at "I tried to put my dongle in it."

JamesIgnatius27 · 4 points · Posted at 04:34:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of this scene from "A bit of Fry and Laurie".

paruruwhyusosalty · 6 points · Posted at 01:46:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Awesome british comedy

Sardonnicus · 2 points · Posted at 05:23:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

An entire show of Dad jokes?

ForgottenPhoenix · 2 points · Posted at 04:18:17 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Clicked on this in the suggested videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKmn1ZGDbLg

Its hilarious!

PhotonSharpedo54 · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That video Made my day

baby_account · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is hilarious! Thanks for posting!

Pickledsoul · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

that blackberry is pretty unripe

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:12:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Pour gin over it in a highball glass, cover, shake, and add simple syrup and soda water.

Mrfrunzi · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

As your comment already states, pure gold!

DonBeech · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I like how everyone's ignoring OPs joke instead talking about a British comedy sketch.

SupremeHug · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What is a technical dongle?

powertripp82 · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Without a doubt, the most British thing I've ever seen. Cheerio!! Made me laugh a genuinely hard laugh. Sounds sarcastic, I swear no/s

Fucking brilliant

shreddedwaffles · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Where can I watch that? I love British comedy

SgtKonis · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I died at the end

freakedmind · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:49 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I didn't even need to open the link to recall this legendary video!

FiveMinFreedom · 1 points · Posted at 11:28:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Imagine showing this video to the guy who just got out from prison.

Whenthecatwentpop · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Fork 'andles?

No. Four candles.

AcreWise · 1 points · Posted at 12:26:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Super-appropriate username.

GoldScreenLife · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

https://youtu.be/VJh4XyZhD58 Reminded me of this

Hielexx_00 · 383 points · Posted at 01:21:48 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Why would she even be trying to open the windows It's a winter morning dammit

AbigailLilac · 93 points · Posted at 01:29:31 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Maybe she overcooked her breakfast.

[deleted] · 28 points · Posted at 12:04:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

MenaceInside · 7 points · Posted at 14:03:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

So meta.

xRyuuzetsu · 1 points · Posted at 14:42:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

For those that don't get it

XXVIIMAN · 1 points · Posted at 16:28:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Why are transparent toasters not a thing? Whenever I make toast it's always Schrödingers Bread.

[deleted] · -33 points · Posted at 01:51:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 02:04:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What a euphoric comment.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 02:36:39 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Troll account. Leave it at 0 and ignore it is the best policy.

acmercer · 8 points · Posted at 02:32:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Did you just quote yourself?

[deleted] · -12 points · Posted at 02:33:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

HitlerWasADoozy · 19 points · Posted at 02:52:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Just tryna make a change :-/

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 03:20:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

So was Hitler

ON3i11 · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Well how many Jewish people are there in Germany now?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:03:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I have no clue.

YouGotCalledAFaggot · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What the fuck is a life quote?

bamberjean · 2 points · Posted at 05:22:45 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Free cheers for /u/Hielexx_00!!!!

RabblingGoblin805 · 0 points · Posted at 06:16:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Well then two things in that house must not be working properly ;)

EmotionalHiatus · 25 points · Posted at 03:11:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

To get her boyfriend in the house without the neighbors seeing.

jakielim · 19 points · Posted at 02:44:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And how do you open the operating system?

Hielexx_00 · 25 points · Posted at 02:45:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

C:\Windows\System32

[deleted] · 38 points · Posted at 03:17:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

computer go fast since delete folder. 10/10 would delete again.

not_a_noob_4_sure · 3 points · Posted at 04:07:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Now how do you make bios faster?

Patchy248 · 24 points · Posted at 04:13:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Pour red paint on your motherboard

machucogp · 6 points · Posted at 07:10:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Don't forget to put a Sonic plushie inside your case

gotta go fast

jakielim · 1 points · Posted at 06:25:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That's the directory for OS files, not the OS itself.

Hielexx_00 · 1 points · Posted at 14:32:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

C:\Windows

ctetc2007 · 3 points · Posted at 10:21:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

How could it be frozen if it isn't open either?

_FranklY · 1 points · Posted at 08:42:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

7zip extract A:\Archive\Iso\Windows\64\8.1\installer.iso

akatherder · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

In Windows 3.1 the default behavior was to boot into dos and you had to run win.com to open windows. You could skip this by starting windows automatically in autoexec.bat.

So er... old joke?

ON3i11 · 0 points · Posted at 04:45:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

and the funny things is even windows 7 still basically boots like that. I don't know about 8 or 10 though.

thoughtfuldude13 · 5 points · Posted at 05:30:31 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Not true, Windows 7 isn't DOS-based at all, and starts up automatically. How did you come to that conclusion?

ON3i11 · 1 points · Posted at 14:17:41 on November 27, 2015 · (Permalink)

I didn't say it was dos based, and I was referring to the autoexec you mention. That little black screen that's there for a second before windows actual boots. It's the same premise as the autoexec.

avapoet · 2 points · Posted at 07:24:48 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

No it doesn't. 95, 98, and ME did, but from XP onwards the line was merged with the NT/2000 line (which didn't) and no longer depended on underlying DOS. Since XP, the Command Prompt has been an emulated and cut-down version of DOS: this is a major part of the reason why XP and later versions of Windows have difficulty running some older DOS games and instead rewire a tool like DOSBox to do so (which is a better DOS emulator).

ON3i11 · 1 points · Posted at 14:20:53 on November 27, 2015 · (Permalink)

I was talking about how the autoexec boots into windows. I know it's no longer dos based.

avapoet · 1 points · Posted at 15:25:29 on November 27, 2015 · (Permalink)

In that case, you were still mistaken, because autoexec.bat is not involved in the booting of Windows since it stopped being DOS-based either. Even Windows ME, which was DOS-based, didn't execute autoexec.bat (but it would parse it for environment variables, "as if" it had executed it, for legacy/compatability reasons).

NT-based versions of Windows including 2000, XP, and Vista, do execute autoexec.bat... but not during the boot sequence: they execute it during each interactive login by a user (after Windows has already booted). However, this (in practice) can still only be used for environment variables, as TSRs are not compatible with non-DOS operating systems anyway. The similarly-named autoexec.nt file will be executed "just like" an autoexec.bat, but only when the user opens a "Command Prompt".

tl;dr: autoexec.bat hasn't been used as part of Windows' boot sequence since NT/2K/XP (or, I suppose you could argue, from ME); it's partially-used during login, but this occurs well after boot (if it occurs at all)

zergodopier · 0 points · Posted at 13:27:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

He is looking at the stars

labrat420 · 11 points · Posted at 02:41:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I imagined a car window and she's going through a drive thru

Hielexx_00 · -10 points · Posted at 02:42:44 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Laptop drive-thru...just why?

labrat420 · 7 points · Posted at 02:44:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The husband didn't know it was a laptop. .that's how the joke works. ..

Hielexx_00 · -9 points · Posted at 02:45:00 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Car window, hammer....just why?

canjcn9 · 6 points · Posted at 03:00:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Is it really necessary to question the joke this hard? Could be a house window, car window, whatever. And even then, jokes don't need to be 100% accurate to work. Unless you're literally autistic, I think you understand the joke.

mangarooboo · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:06 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Don't feed the troll!

GodOfAllAtheists · -3 points · Posted at 03:19:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Because not plausible = not funny.

canjcn9 · 3 points · Posted at 03:21:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'm not arguing whether the joke is funny or not. You still got the joke, correct?

GodOfAllAtheists · -2 points · Posted at 03:29:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What joke?

thesuper88 · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

After this comment I love you.

thesuper88 · 0 points · Posted at 04:12:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Suspension of disbelief, my friend. Ever see stand up on tour? Ever notice how someone says they saw this or did that the other day when they've been on tour for 3 months? If you don't want a joke then you won't think it's funny, is my point. But hey, you're right that it's not plausible. I would would counter with more plausible = more funny but not plausible =/= not funny.

GodOfAllAtheists · 1 points · Posted at 14:52:57 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

When a premise makes little sense, the punch line is moot.

yellsaboutjokes · 0 points · Posted at 02:53:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY DAMMIT

vishesh_49 · 2 points · Posted at 08:03:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Maybe she just farted

Ceejae · 3 points · Posted at 02:57:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Wise husband knows that's none of his business.

BlackShirt · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:15 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And also, if you have a forzen computer window, you'll want to close it, not open it.

exploding_cat_wizard · 1 points · Posted at 11:45:17 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Windows. When Windows is frozen, you often want to open some window.

exploding_cat_wizard · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You can still air out a room...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:51:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when my windows are frozen over I have to roll them down to see outside and make sure cars aren't coming my way

commissionerofwine · 1 points · Posted at 14:50:57 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I was wondering how he texted in italics...

TheHYPO · 1 points · Posted at 15:18:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I took it as car windows which I've had freeze on cold days. I need them to open to waive my parking pass at the card reader. I end up having to open the door.

boondoggie42 · 1 points · Posted at 15:33:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I have a Mustang, the windows drop 1/4" when you open the door, and go back up when you close it... If it's frozen stuck, it won't drop. You can open the door, but it won't shut again. (I keep an old CDROM in the car to slide between the seal and the glass to get it free.) You would think Ford would know how to build shit by now.

mortalomena · -9 points · Posted at 02:27:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Women seem to have inferior internal thermal management capacitities compared to men, atleast that is the conclusion I have concluded into when observing my girlfriend.

When she is feeling hot, the window opens and the thermostat is dialed down. Then after a while when she is getting a bit chilly, the window closes and the thermostat is again turned up. A vicious cycle.

UndeadKitten · 5 points · Posted at 02:40:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I've actually met more men than women who do that. Including my own sweet brother who once asked me to put on the A/C because he was really hot. He was wearing a hoodie over a flannel shirt over a t shirt and probably a tank under that, knowing how he dresses. And used to complain he was cold while wearing shorts and no shirt.

Me, I just want it cold as fuck. I would like to live in a meat locker, but as that isn't possible, I sleep with my window open year round.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:03:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

GodOfAllAtheists · 3 points · Posted at 03:20:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That's how I like my women.

RoadkillUgly · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:43 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

In a meat locker? Don't go telling everyone.

UndeadKitten · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Umm, what?

I live in North Carolina now. Its a great climate but I still need the window open to sleep well. When I lived in Texas I kept the windows shut and the AC jacked up high.

TheCadaver · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That just sounds more like confirmation bias than a reasonable generalisation

reviling_scarab · -12 points · Posted at 02:36:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Because she's a woman and she needs something to bitch about

Hielexx_00 · -14 points · Posted at 02:37:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Fair enough.

Gudvangen · 127 points · Posted at 01:53:49 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The windows of my VW Rabbit froze shut once upon a time, but I wouldn't have suggested using a hammer on them.

Why was I trying to open the windows during the winter? Well, because the doors were frozen shut and I was inside.

Did you know that the turret hatches of German tanks on the Eastern front sometimes froze shut?

Chesheire · 60 points · Posted at 02:16:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This has been random facts of the day with /u/Gudvangen . Cheers!

king_llama · 31 points · Posted at 03:52:44 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"Unsubscribe"

delurfangs · 15 points · Posted at 04:09:59 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thank you. We have unsubscribed you from random facts and subscribed you to Cat Facts.

Shisa4123 · 6 points · Posted at 04:51:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Pls no

Felipe058 · 2 points · Posted at 05:22:20 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Did you know that the easiest way to make a cat cry is to send her on an adventure?

Thank you for subscribing to Cat Facts!

beelzeflub · 1 points · Posted at 15:13:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I thought it was cucumbers

Felipe058 · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:46 on December 18, 2015 · (Permalink)

Haha, I was actually referencing this, which is where Shisa's image is from.

FGHIK · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:44 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"Subscribe"

delurfangs · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Did you know Cats are America's favorite pet? There are 88 million cats compared to 74 million dogs. To unsubscribe from cat facts please send a post card with the text "dkdkxjxkisidkkxjckdkkdkemskxkckdkdmmdkskdkckfkwjjskckfkskxk" written ledgably in pink or green ink. =^o⁼

The_Phox · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Umm... need an address for that postcard...

AristotleGrumpus · 17 points · Posted at 04:17:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Did you know that the turret hatches of German tanks on the Eastern front sometimes froze shut?

Pretty much everything froze shut, including anuses. This is not a joke.

Miceed · 15 points · Posted at 06:30:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"Including anuses" Again pour lukewarm water on it and (very...) gently 'tap' with hammer.

exploding_cat_wizard · 6 points · Posted at 11:46:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

'tap' with a 'hammer', you mean

The_Phox · 1 points · Posted at 09:53:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Directions unclear, now have a hammer head jammed up my ass.

allwafflesnochicken · 5 points · Posted at 11:25:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Like.. Like a shark?

andthendirksaid · 1 points · Posted at 22:14:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What's that even entail?

AristotleGrumpus · 1 points · Posted at 22:23:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

Ahem. Well, it got so cold that men's buttholes could literally freeze shut, at least partially. Then, with any movement.... well, have you ever pulled apart a couple of semi-frozen pork chops, for instance? Some of the meat changes sides.

Edit:

German soldiers supplemented their summer weight uniforms with crumpled newsprint and propaganda leaflets addressed to Soviet troops, calling for them to surrender. Cooked food froze before a meal could be completely consumed. In open, windswept countryside where all buildings had been blasted to smithereens and the ground frozen rock hard, even the simple act of going to the bathroom could be fatal, as Generaloberst Heinz Guderian, commander of the 2nd Panzer Army Group, recorded in his diary on Dec. 10, 1941, writing that “many men died while performing their natural functions, as a result of a congelation of the anus.”

A campaign medal would later be struck for German army participants of the Eastern Front campaign in the winter of that year. Not surprisingly, it received the nickname Gefrierfleisch Orden, the Order of the Frozen Meat.

http://www.defensemedianetwork.com/stories/operation-typhoon-the-german-army-attempt-to-capture-moscow/

andthendirksaid · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:33 on November 26, 2015 · (Permalink)

Some of the meat changes sides.

Holy fuck. That's fucked up.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 04:23:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Or you were pulling through the drive through and couldn't open your window to place your order... Duh.

valkyrie_village · 4 points · Posted at 04:57:48 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

...so? How'd you get out?

HorrendousRex · 9 points · Posted at 05:22:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

If you had friendly engineers around - something pretty much like this joke. Otherwise, you hoped you had some water to drink and a can to shit in. (And it's worth mentioning that in these tanks, you were basically stuck in one position - they were NOT built for comfort.)

valkyrie_village · 8 points · Posted at 05:55:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Bahaha. I meant that guy and his car, but this is an excellent answer.

HorrendousRex · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:52 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Oh, woops. :)

valkyrie_village · 2 points · Posted at 06:04:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That's okay, your reply was both informative and amusing!

Gudvangen · 2 points · Posted at 21:52:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Honestly, I was driving back from the university gym with a friend and when we got back to the house we were renting with a couple other guys, I honked the horn until one of the other guys came out and opened the hatchback. That was the only door that worked and it could only be opened from the outside.

blackandwhitecat55 · 3 points · Posted at 05:26:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is a struggle for anyone who works on a military base in a cold climate.

zikol88 · 43 points · Posted at 02:12:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'd like to know how he texted back in italics.

Schmich · 15 points · Posted at 11:25:11 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Tilt the phone ever so slightly when you type in the word.

cheezewazzers · 33 points · Posted at 02:45:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Telling anyone to hit a window with a hammer is just dumb...

rocketman0739 · 15 points · Posted at 03:42:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Presumably he meant the frame.

wererat2000 · 24 points · Posted at 03:23:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Not to mention rapidly changing the temperature of glass like that is just asking for it to crack.

crashing_this_thread · 1 points · Posted at 12:54:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

His advice doesn't apply to the actual window itself, but the frame. It is sound advice, unless you have to take it literally.

haiku_robot · 21 points · Posted at 03:43:00 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Telling anyone 
to hit a window with a 
hammer is just dumb...

funnystuff97 · 2 points · Posted at 05:37:45 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This bot is useful

I wonder how it searches

Maybe it's a code.

ChubbyTrain · 2 points · Posted at 05:48:15 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It looks for comments that are written with seventeen syllables, probs.

funnystuff97 · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That, I understand.

But reddit is a huge site.

How does it find them?

mitremario · 1 points · Posted at 15:42:17 on November 26, 2015 · (Permalink)

Using Reddit's API. It probably searches /r/all/new.

_Keldt_ · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Hasn't found yours, so far..

hmmm...

seaishriver · 3 points · Posted at 06:48:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It would have to break it in "seventeen" so it does not apply here.

ChubbyTrain · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

Oh hey, you noticed!

Maybe it's some policy

"one haiku per thread"

OBVIOUS_OBSERVATlONS · 1 points · Posted at 06:29:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

I do not know why

I am writing this haiku

But I am so yeah

funnystuff97 · 2 points · Posted at 17:28:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Reddit Formatting:

'Enter' twice to skip a line

Else it's one big line

OBVIOUS_OBSERVATlONS · 1 points · Posted at 08:52:53 on November 26, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ah, I'm on mobile. My bad haha

aidaon · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:55 on November 26, 2015 · (Permalink)

I do not know why
I am writing this haiku
But I am so yeah

SaniT404 · 11 points · Posted at 05:40:57 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What's funny, is that I instantly thought they were talking about a computer... didn't get the joke until I reverse engineered it. I guess that's what working in IT gets you

formysake1 · 3 points · Posted at 05:55:56 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

haha ! our brains are messed up :)

LunarisDream · 1 points · Posted at 10:22:06 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I saw through the joke immediately upon reading the title and don't work in IT.

I guess Windows OS is a lot more important to me than regular windows.

awkwardtheturtle · 34 points · Posted at 00:44:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

He said gently pour the water. C'mon, how hard is it to follow instructions?

JungGeorge · 8 points · Posted at 03:52:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'm just amazed the guy somehow figured out how to use italics in a text

mtlyoshi9 · 6 points · Posted at 06:59:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Can we talk about how ridiculous it is in 2015 that I've been able to send videos via text for years, but not fucking italics?

exploding_cat_wizard · 3 points · Posted at 11:47:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Make a video with italics and send it?

Twelve-Gage · 47 points · Posted at 23:51:58 on November 24, 2015 · (Permalink)

Should have downloaded the software that makes your pc waterproof.

[deleted] · 37 points · Posted at 01:32:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

joshuaoha · 6 points · Posted at 03:03:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

There were claims that people destroyed there phones this way. I still wonder if anyone actually did.

Spydos · 9 points · Posted at 03:14:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

A lot of people took to the media to say they did it and wanted to be compensated by Apple if I remember correctly, of course they're just fucking idiots.

joshuaoha · 2 points · Posted at 04:15:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Yeah I heard that. But I still want to see some evidence. Even just a video by a bad youtube actor making the sincere claim they did it.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:19:52 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And not techrax. He destroys tech in every video on purpose

Le_9k_Redditor · 16 points · Posted at 02:38:11 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The mysterious hacker 4chan strikes again

nerga · 7 points · Posted at 02:53:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

When will we stop this 4chan person? All of the trouble this fellow causes, what is the government even doing? Classic Obama if you ask me.

aTOMic_fusion · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:17 on November 26, 2015 · (Permalink)

All I know about this "4chan" guy is that you have to have good passwords, or else he could abuse his powers as system administrator

VenezuelanInCanada · 7 points · Posted at 02:50:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

In all seriousness has anyone been having this issue? Literally Windows 10 freezes, and doesn't open.

Am reluctant to try the lukewarm water and hammer method

GodOfAllAtheists · 8 points · Posted at 03:21:39 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Go for it

uzuhl · 3 points · Posted at 03:38:17 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I've had this issue with 8.1 (don't start, i like 8.1 more than 7 for a multitude of reasons) where it'll just...freeze. Mouse still responsive, can click on things, they just won't load.

I haven't figured out which part of my PC is causing it but man is it annoying.

klatnyelox · 1 points · Posted at 15:27:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You mean where nothing new will open, as if the part of the operating system that executes new files doesn't work?

I mean, I've had it where as long as I don't close my browser or anything else I am working on, it'll function, but no new programs will open. Couldn't even open Task Manager to figure out what was wrong. Restarts "fixed" this.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:02 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Order ssd

funnystuff97 · 6 points · Posted at 05:38:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

> Orders SSD for ultrafast boot up

> Never turns off PC

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:47:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Wait people really put their os on dads? Uh wtf autocorrect I meant ssds. I put both program files folder there (except steam of course) and all of my programs launch really fast.

funnystuff97 · 1 points · Posted at 17:36:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The thing with an SSD is, unless you've got a huge one (which are usually costly), it's not worth it to put anything but your OS and maybe a few program files on it. SSDs hate to be written to, and will actually break after ~1,000,000 write cycles (don't quote me on that). Now, you'd have to be a complete fool* to pass this limit, doing nothing but writing to it for 5 years straight, but the deterioration is still there. Just get a Hybrid Hard Drive (both an SSD and HDD) for your other files and you'll be fine; I got one $100 for 4Tb.

*If you defrag your SSD, you're constantly writing over it, which will wear your SSD faster. Don't defrag it.

Tl;Dr: it's best to only put your OS on a 120 Gb SSD as anything else could lead to problems in the future. (Could being the key word here)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:44:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I don't defrag it lol. I find having my program files on it is 100% worth it since I am dealing with programs that take forever to start up on a daily basis (think photoshop and 3ds max)

funnystuff97 · 1 points · Posted at 18:45:56 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I think that's less of a storage issue and more of a RAM/CPU issue.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:51:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Nope. Cpu is a 4690k and I've got 16gb of ram. Don't think that's the issue. And the ssd does work. Now they start up REALLY fast

funnystuff97 · 1 points · Posted at 18:53:54 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

First of all, good to see a 4690k brother. We both made a wise choice.

Second, my photoshop, SFM, Vegas, etc, are all on my hybrid drive and boot fine. To each his/her own, I guess.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 19:53:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

sfm

oh the nightmare the load time of sfm is. That's one program I don't have on my ssd. Program itself isn't too bad but anything source engine takes forever to load a map

funnystuff97 · 1 points · Posted at 19:59:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Yeah, source is such a mess, disguised as something that looks good. Honestly, it's a wonder tf2 still has updates on an engine from 2007. When it gets ported to source 2 is the day everyone cherishes.

Load times are a thing of the past, except loading a .bsp in source.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 21:24:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

lol tf tf team stated that source 2 isn't happening for tf2

funnystuff97 · 1 points · Posted at 22:08:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Damn.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:54:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

AM I MOUTHFUNCTIONING

xxfay6 · 1 points · Posted at 20:20:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I thought we had agreed that on any recent SSD it's not an actual problem that should cause concern since endurance has grown enough to be on-par with HDDs usual decay rate.

black_brotha · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The issue I'm having with windows 10 is the optional start button doesn't open sometimes . I click and click and nope.

I have to use that weird windows 10 start button. Fuck that shit.

AMarrekA96 · 7 points · Posted at 02:28:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Now that's some humor I can slap my knee to.

beautblue · 5 points · Posted at 02:12:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What's with all these windows jokes lately

reviling_scarab · 9 points · Posted at 02:48:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What, you've never spent thirty years designing a hilarious joke, waiting for the perfect audience for the delivery, but then discovered that you'd been mistaken on the hilarity, misjudged the audience, and choked on the delivery?

antdude · 1 points · Posted at 17:56:56 on December 8, 2015 · (Permalink)

Lately??? More like for decades!!

sailirish7 · 3 points · Posted at 02:58:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

r/techsupportgore

kippypapa · 3 points · Posted at 03:26:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Wives, what'll they do next?

Cheese__Dreams · 3 points · Posted at 07:47:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This joke sounds like it was told by Rorschach.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:59 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Do explain for the uneducated mind(I have a notion of who Rorschach was)

Cheese__Dreams · 2 points · Posted at 07:53:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

He's one of the vigilantes from Watchmen who has a similar speaking style to this

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

ohh I thought you meant Hermann Rorschach the psychiatrist but yeah I watched Watchmen good movie and Rorschach was my favorite character in it.

greenmask · 6 points · Posted at 04:03:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

look man, Im drunk. all i want to say to my shit ass roommate is that donald trump is a jack wagon. An actual wagon. Pulled by some silly as s supporters made up off KKK and mint chocolate chip cookie. FUck trump. Vote me.

GrannnySmith · 2 points · Posted at 05:55:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

/u/greenmask 2016

MercWithaMouse · 6 points · Posted at 11:29:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Im too much of a fucking nerd I automatically assumed they meant microsoft windows just from the title. Ruined the joke for me.

SirMartini · 5 points · Posted at 11:53:52 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

that's not being a nerd, that's having a social disorder boarder-lining on psychopathic

Sylvester_Scott · 2 points · Posted at 02:24:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That's Au, Jerry! AU!

Kitfisto22 · 2 points · Posted at 02:37:46 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It has to be really damn cold for a computer to not start.

PhotonSharpedo54 · 2 points · Posted at 02:40:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

you could say it crashed

ForSaleBy · 2 points · Posted at 04:25:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Pouring warm water on your frozen car window will crack your window. If your windshield is frozen every morning and you do not want to wait for it to defrost spray it with cold hose water or lay a blanket or cardboard over windshield the night before. And yes I do understand the joke just saying....

KaraWolf · 1 points · Posted at 05:05:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Pour cold water on your window then turn the windshield wipers on before it refreezes. Or have a mix of alcohol and water to spray on it. Or dont be a dolt: defrost your car.

Imacatdoincatstuff · 2 points · Posted at 04:35:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Oh my Word.

BigTdotByrd · 2 points · Posted at 07:22:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Windows dead open inside

Marmalade_Shaws · 2 points · Posted at 07:36:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Has she tried plugging it in?

BeenjamminR · 2 points · Posted at 10:22:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What a pane

smartdark · 2 points · Posted at 11:00:59 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Hilarious

beginToCode · 2 points · Posted at 12:08:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Looks like winter already came for 'em!

CrazyLord123 · 2 points · Posted at 12:28:37 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

should've gone to specsavers.

Tindale · 2 points · Posted at 13:28:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Excellent joke!

cyberfreek · 2 points · Posted at 13:52:56 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Can I have the last WORD on this matter.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:05:11 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

They call it user friendly, but they overestimated the average users intelligence.

theoneandonlyrobert3 · 2 points · Posted at 14:20:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"Even in the future nothing works!"

LongJohn13 · 2 points · Posted at 14:23:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

unexpected. Good one.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:03:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

But at least its clean.

xavosix · 2 points · Posted at 15:12:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And it is all his fault, he should have known which "Windows" she was talking about.

nikdhayatkar · 2 points · Posted at 15:23:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Its a winter morning , just dont open the windows :)

kevans14 · 2 points · Posted at 15:40:46 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thank you all for the good laugh.

veul · 7 points · Posted at 06:16:49 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I submitted this 9 months ago and only got 5% of your Karma. =(

klatnyelox · 1 points · Posted at 15:31:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Its because you formatted the syntax of the wife's second response correctly, so she sounded smart.

shits gotta sound dumb, yo.

analcrackers · -2 points · Posted at 07:10:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Cry about it you shitty timing goon

mysleepnumberis420 · -2 points · Posted at 08:35:59 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Lucky for you submission karma isn't counted in this sub, you whiny bitch! Whore harder, don't let your dreams be dreams.

harleyeaston · 10 points · Posted at 23:40:09 on November 24, 2015 · (Permalink)

Well, that's weird. Who keeps their computer in the kitchen?

geekcroft · 13 points · Posted at 23:49:33 on November 24, 2015 · (Permalink)

2edgy4me

Jrigs94 · 2 points · Posted at 22:18:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I do actually

revereddesecration · -9 points · Posted at 23:46:37 on November 24, 2015 · (Permalink)

classic 😂😂😂💯🔥

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 19:03:39 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Get out of here with your emojis

revereddesecration · 1 points · Posted at 22:13:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

People seem not to have picked up on the heavy sarcasm that the emojis were exhuding

green_meklar · -9 points · Posted at 02:08:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Do you want downvotes? Because that's how you get downvotes.

harleyeaston · 2 points · Posted at 02:21:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Danger Zone!

DeBlackKnight · 1 points · Posted at 18:23:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Do you want downvotes? Because this is how you get downvotes.

green_meklar · 1 points · Posted at 22:01:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ooh, damn there are a lot of smug people in this thread, aren't there?

DeBlackKnight · 1 points · Posted at 22:05:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

There sure are, buddy.

blackcarnage13 · -1 points · Posted at 09:05:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Seems like they're getting b lots of upvotes to me....oh, and are those downvotes I see above yours? Stick to the status quo meeyaaann....it only gets better.

OpheliasBreath · -4 points · Posted at 02:39:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

sorry friend, here at reddit.com we only upvote new content

mrpielovin · 3 points · Posted at 04:02:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Well that's not even the slightest touch of true now is it?

OpheliasBreath · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:37 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Obviously not.

BoozeoisPig · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

Warning: NSFW:

I thought I would be the most popular store when I signed up for a program that would let me sell torrents of new blackberries. But they can't seed for shit. Eventually I had to start selling them in pears in order to keep business up. The next week was great, except for that time I found a leek in my roof. I admit, that made me lose my temper and I started pounding on the wall, nuts. But it was nothing when some disgruntled customer threw his pee can at me. I couldn't really do anything but shout at him, unfortunately that is my only mango to response to something so bananas. As soon as I scrubbed the floor with lime, I could tell that it wouldn't be enough. The next day I called Poma Granite for an upgrade in my flooring. The guy gave me an insane rate. I tried to get the owner to budge but that asshole, Berry, wouldn't give me what I wanted. So I refused and got a lovely friend of mine to blackmail him. A soon as I had a picture of when that girl blueberry, I knew I would get a great deal. I don't think Berry was willing to get impeached. The week ended with a few men of african complexion coming in and demanding I buy back their lemons. I tried to hustle them but when one of them finally said "Lettuce leaf", I decided to squash any ill will and issue the refund; I didn't want to step on any niggertoes. Then I went home for the weekend and proceeded to indulge my incestuous proclivities and pumpkin until monday.

🎙️ wishiwascooltoo · 2 points · Posted at 08:16:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Sounds like it would make a good salad.

megablast · 2 points · Posted at 04:34:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ha ha ha, because windows can mean two different things.

JokeExplainBot · 3 points · Posted at 03:03:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Windows can mean a competing operating system or openings in walls that allow the odor of flatulence to dissipate.

pivot5 · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Sounds like that nosleep story

mr_charliejacobs · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

i like it.

karlkingofbanter · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:02 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The husband sounds like a right nob'ed!

mlee0000 · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:43 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

How do you text italics?

Greenhound · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

how do you gently pour water over a vertical surface?

justhidingoverhere · 1 points · Posted at 03:50:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

The same way porcupines make love........ veeeeeeeery carefully

cesrep · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Gently

theemanresu · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

How did he text in italics?

I_likethings · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

If Apple can develop a software update to make iPhones waterproof, then surely, Microsoft can come up with a software update to make their machines hammer proof.

PriestessErin · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

'Husband' is probably a potato. Better get a new computer that actually works.

grapesandmilk · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I've heard this kind of joke so many times that I'm not sure what to expect at first.

tehBrandonJayyay · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

i knew it was an os joke

Simchas1199 · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Well if it's cold she could overclock that CPU a little bit to get those windows openning?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I thought he was going to ask why she was trying to open a window in the winter...

Jaqen___Hghar · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Can you text italics?

Pigball · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

WHO IS PHONE?

rodrigogirao · 1 points · Posted at 03:51:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Her dad is ded.

rocketman0739 · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:13 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Husband: What you have done it to trick Microsoft.

InfernoVulpix · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:19 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I'd respond "That's why I waited until today to lock you out."

cesrep · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I call BS - No italics via text!

Bulbasaur2015 · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:40 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is just a bad joke

I_Am_A_Peasant · 1 points · Posted at 04:11:51 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Where have I heard this before...

cjh57 · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Lol. Priceless.

icecreamtruckerlyfe · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Why open the window in the cold morning. Burrrr

1wsx10 · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

to play videa gamez

bootflag · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Try OS X lol

DogeMcDogeyDoge · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:17 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Simple, yet effective joke.

Drink2Meditate · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

If he was in Office, he must be hurt too

Reaperlock · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Well in indian version of the joke husband asks her to pour lukewarm oil on it..

HAN_SEUL_OH · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:39 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

How do you text in italics? Edit: I'm less original than I thought.

Sdubya78 · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:36 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Asterisks before and after the word or phrase

HAN_SEUL_OH · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:52 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I know that works for reddit comments but not for text messages.

Sdubya78 · 2 points · Posted at 05:03:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Oh ok I thought that's what you meant

EtteN707 · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Was expecting vagina joke.

DrZed400 · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Can't open a cold vagina with lukewarm water and a hammer

SlumdogSkillionaire · 2 points · Posted at 05:43:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Not with that attitude anyway.

IrishWithoutPotatoes · 1 points · Posted at 05:18:37 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I thought this was going to be a walking dead reference at first. I'm very pleased with the result.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:37 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You guys...

Birdiebir1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:53 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

LOL took me a second though. Nice. :)

Arcticsnowwolf · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:11 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Good one :)

Yokies · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:17 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Mac-Gate

iandmlne · 1 points · Posted at 05:32:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRr2kf84V2M

ianjlawrence · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

She texted from computer?

dfsvegas · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"Which key is the "edges" key?"

bonesnaps · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Somehow I already knew this was going to be about someone derping on a computer before opening the thread.

🎙️ wishiwascooltoo · 1 points · Posted at 08:04:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Exactly why I haven't upgraded to Win10.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:26 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Slightly less lame than the slide out cupholder joke.

nu7kevin · 1 points · Posted at 06:16:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Try the back door.

Arachnatron · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

FALSE: you can't italicize words in a text message.

OP is a phony! A big fat phony!

krishnakanthreadsit · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is what I call a joke.

Fristiloverke13 · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:05 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Oh women, wha a bunch of dummies....

Emma-lucy-loo · 1 points · Posted at 07:03:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

How does one gently pour water?

ToliB · 2 points · Posted at 07:07:30 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

slowly and carefully in a constant flow.

ZosoLZ · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

She should definitely boot Linux

snickers_addict · 1 points · Posted at 07:18:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"Your $4,000 gaming computer is really messed up now."

Jumala · 1 points · Posted at 07:23:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

But if Windows is frozen, it's open.

Japesthetank · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:48 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What have you done it to trick microsoft?!

Dogalicious · 1 points · Posted at 07:56:29 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

...look on the bright side. At least there's nothing impeding it's subsequent defenestration

absolutezero_01 · 1 points · Posted at 08:04:15 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Did she try to close and open the system?

littleblackduck80 · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:21 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Now needs to place computer in a bowl of rice

Ty-rone · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:52 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Noooo you can't text italics!

HellTanner · 1 points · Posted at 09:37:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"Okay then, I'll let you in through the front door."

mengjiang · 1 points · Posted at 10:57:28 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Should've tried jellybeans.

koketsoTheLoner · 1 points · Posted at 11:08:50 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

JokeExplainBot??

I_miss_geocities · 1 points · Posted at 11:51:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This joke must be 30 years old.

source

slopster · 1 points · Posted at 14:17:06 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

They can get another from the office

COLISSAYING · 1 points · Posted at 14:49:43 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

My boyfriends mother once came running out of her bedroom crying and screaming " your father is going to kill me". " i left the window open all night and now the computer is frozen"

mavenave · 1 points · Posted at 15:19:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

This is so funny because the wife poured water over the laptop and hammered it.

jlevy1126 · 1 points · Posted at 15:23:41 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

HAHAHA As an IT guy, I can appreciate this!

obababoy · 1 points · Posted at 16:06:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Ugh...never tap the edges of glass with a hammer...tempered and edges don't mix..What you do is leave the damn windows alone till the car comes to temp...No jokes here!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:26:18 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

lol ouch!

mussii · 1 points · Posted at 16:37:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

LOL

rayashino · 1 points · Posted at 17:08:00 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

i actually did a joke kinda like that yesterday.. my Laptop is kinda messed up and sometimes Screen freezes so i wrote the People i was writing with before i got interupted "wow winter is really coming, so cold my Screen froze"

Techman- · 1 points · Posted at 17:19:25 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I've seen this joke many, many times already. Why do people keep falling for this?

kaifmuiz · 1 points · Posted at 17:35:16 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

that's nice

thisannoyingguy · 1 points · Posted at 17:51:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

guess all those internet explorer freezes really did do the trick

AshleyDawn71810 · 1 points · Posted at 18:50:38 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Haha: ) surely there isn't people this dumb.

censoreddreamer · 1 points · Posted at 19:14:34 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Grammar

NicoUK · 1 points · Posted at 22:10:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Then she cried?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

In the time before the light?

JeffFarty · 2 points · Posted at 05:16:48 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

IN FLAMES OF DEATH'S ETERNAL REIGN

Awesome-o_O · 1 points · Posted at 03:26:10 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Eggs box £3.60

Genius

zoup203 · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:57 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

how the fuck would a woman know what operating system her computer is

pwntent · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:32 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

repost. name checks out https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1niz22/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winters_morning/

HZCYR · 1 points · Posted at 08:09:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You could use the door to get out of the house

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 04:26:09 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Saw a computer joke coming. Down voted

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 23:42:35 on November 24, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

phedre · 1 points · Posted at 23:58:58 on November 24, 2015 · (Permalink)

How about turning it off and turning it back on again?

PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS · 1 points · Posted at 11:23:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

What's the operating system?

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 05:02:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:55 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

it's a text message. The structure would be compromised for speed.

ghostngoblins · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 05:14:27 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

wow its 1989

what-is-derp · 0 points · Posted at 05:58:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"My jokes are sucky and I rip off another OP"

Phantom1936 · 0 points · Posted at 06:41:57 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You can't tell this joke im german' dammit.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 09:39:57 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

but did it really happen.. near a walmart?

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 14:59:02 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:27:24 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

That's where she'd go wrong, he said "lukewarm" not hot lol.

TheHYPO · 0 points · Posted at 15:17:19 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Thought process after reading the title, preclick:

"Hmm... Is she going to be talking about a car window and he gives her computer advice or vice versa?"

Predictable.

swelly3000 · -8 points · Posted at 01:48:22 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Why couldn't this joke have been "husband texts wife on a cold winter morning......wife texts back"....etc

TheBreckyn · 15 points · Posted at 01:52:12 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It could be. It's just not. Not sure what you're getting at here.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 02:59:01 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:56 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

I lol'd

plentifulpoltergeist · 8 points · Posted at 01:52:11 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

It could have.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 02:01:08 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

jokes have never been made at the expense of incompetent husbands

deadtime68 · 3 points · Posted at 01:54:07 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

you know why.

ifatree · 2 points · Posted at 02:04:04 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

know your audience.

[deleted] · -5 points · Posted at 11:13:14 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

FHRITP69er · 2 points · Posted at 11:29:35 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Stop being a whiny bitch.

wowsuchtitan · 1 points · Posted at 11:26:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

You're on the wrong subreddit, my friend.

microdon23 · 1 points · Posted at 13:13:58 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

So women are NOT less technical than men?

Koekler · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:00 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

And the man is usually the ignorant butt of the joke in any tv commercial. So what, grow up.

Bahra_Strength · -1 points · Posted at 14:55:03 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"its because its a microsoft product" - Mac people

spocktick · -2 points · Posted at 02:20:23 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Why is the computer messed up?

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 02:27:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Windows is an operation system on the computer and it froze. The husband thought that she was talking about the window not the computer.

IamDanimals · -2 points · Posted at 06:04:47 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Really bad joke with obvious punch line makes reddit front page once again...who would have guessed. Also, fat neckbeards down vote random persons comment because they hate life as much as they hate themselves.

pelvicmomentum · -2 points · Posted at 07:15:31 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

"no like on the computer"

Lordidude · -2 points · Posted at 15:28:46 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Really? I knew the punchline just from reading the title. /r/jokes is getting worse and worse...

[deleted] · -3 points · Posted at 07:05:42 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Won't "OPEN"? Who the fuck says that? A normal person would say "Windows won't start/boot", so this joke is really a piece of shit.

Onetap1 · -1 points · Posted at 09:50:33 on November 25, 2015 · (Permalink)

Someone who is completely ignorant about computers? Joke is consistent.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

KILL THEM ALL KILL THEM ALL KILL THEM ALL

My blackberry is not working - BBC

AM I MOUTHFUNCTIONING