๐๏ธ samthegoldendragon ยท 3075 points ยท Posted at 00:36:14 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*A plastic coffee stir stick can fool any push in coin acceptor that loads the coins on edge. Just insert stir stick, push the mechanism forward until you feel the stick hit a bump, push the bump down with the stick and push the mech all the way in
*If you look like you know what youโre doing, no one will bother you.
When lying, always include something slightly embarrassing, or something that makes you look bad, as part of your story. Itโs not only going to disarm their skepticism (admitting to something embarrassing gives an impression of humility), but even if they remain skeptical, theyโll be left wondering why you would make something up that youโd rather keep secret if it were true
Using Clorox or any bleach will turn the red/pink liquid detection dot on electronic devices back to white so they replace them under warranty
*ย โA drug dealer in DC taught me to pick my nose if the police are staring at me. No one picks their nose if they think someone is watching them, so itโs the ultimate way of being nonchalant.โ
*ย "I learned that you can get into almost any special event by wearing a chef coat. Even just carrying one and walking like you know where youโre going will work every time. Most people donโt want to look stupid by asking you who you are.โย
My go to missing work call was never "Iโm sickโ, it was โFamily problemsโ. They never questioned it, itโs vague enough and embarrassing enough that nobody ever asks.โย
As part of the employee training at Target, they teach you that if a customer argues over a price, and the full price is under $20, to just give it to them for whatever price they claim. Itโs cheaper for the company to move on to the next customer than to call in a price check.
Put a rolled up sock in the change slot on a vending machine, come back back 4 days laterโฆ.and pull sockโฆ.you will be 6-ish dollars richer.
If itโs a small lie, like who farted or who put the empty milk carton in the fridge, Iโll tell a terrible lie. Iโll not be able to hold a straight face, contradict myself, basically suck at lying.Now everyone I know thinks I canโt tell a lie to save my life. So when I really need a big lie, I nail it every time. No one ever suspects me when I lie straight faced.
Bring crutches to an airport. Bypass every line (including boarding) and you are chauffeured to your gate the second you pass through security.
*Make up a secret to share with someone- they may open up and share far more valuable real secrets.
Hereโs a classic. Drive over to your 7/11 of choice. Fill up a Slurpee and drop some candy bars in that bitch. Make sure the candy bars arenโt showing. Cover the Slurpee and pay for it. Free Snickers bitch.
I tell everyone iโve never done any drugs. Suddenly everyone offers me cocaine, ecstasy, pot, lsd. I think iโve had $200 worth of drugs each weekend for free.Same with liquor. "Im not drinking tonightโ BOOM! Everyone gives me booze. Its like everyone wants to break your integrity as soon as you tell them you are not doing whatever they are doing.
*If you need to cash from an ATM and its not a large amount, buy a 5 cent piece of gum from a gas station that has the cash back option. Its cheaper than a $3 charge
Act less intelligent than you really are. Acting stupid can get you out of some tricky situations. Feigning ignorance is way better than admitting you knew better but did it anyway. My old man used to say โIt is easier to beg forgiveness than ask for permissionโโฆsometimes itโs true.
Every time I fly, when I land Iโll pen a little complaint to the airline that flew me. You know, Iโll come up with something like โoh, they denied me a drink! Oh, the food wasnโt vegetarian!โ Whatever miscellaneous hogwash potpourri comes to my crazy brain. And like clockwork, within a business day, theyโre reimbursing me with a $50 voucher, a $100 voucher, I can sell that on the secondary market.
Iโve always had a lot of success in shutting nosy people up by blaming any personal issue on allergies. Crying from a panic attack? Allergies giving me puffy eyes. Whatโs that mysterious pill Iโm taking? Allergy meds. Why am I acting spaced out/hungover/tired? Allergies meds making me drowsy.
*If you really wanna get away with some shit, buy a reflective vest, a white hard hat, and a clipboard. You can go ANYWHERE.
Saved comment
[deleted] ยท 585 points ยท Posted at 05:20:18 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
cPB167 ยท 137 points ยท Posted at 06:47:22 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't help but think while reading that one, why not just put the snickers in your pocket. Then its actually free, you get your whole slurpee and, no gross sticky mess
ExJWStar ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 07:02:28 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Leave Snickers in wrapper and you have a semi frozen sinkers bar
MasterAssFace ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 09:24:04 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or get a diet soda instead of slupee. It won't be sticky and soda is usually less expensive.
nnhumn ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 12:15:58 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you live that soda isn't sticky?
Paddy9999 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 12:59:34 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Russia obviously
macspy ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:02:04 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesnโt count, they mix it with vodka
frezzhberry ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:19:00 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here I thought their water was vodka. Vodka from the tap.
macspy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:41:32 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vodka from the tap, brother!
TheMexicanTacos ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 13:16:24 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Diet soda is usually not as sticky as regular soda.
MasterAssFace ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:03:02 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The reason soda is sticky is because of the sugar. Diet soda doesn't have sugar.
psilosara98 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:50:57 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fake sugars are still gross and sticky, just get something you like to drink so you can enjoy it with ya candy
RizzoTheSmall ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 11:06:23 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a consideration of risk on the part of the operator if they suspect you. Rather than asking you to turn out your pockets, they'd be asking you to destroy your drink to prove their suspicion. If they are wrong, they just wrote off a drink, made a mess and annoyed a customer over the cost of a snickers bar.
koldlaser ยท 1171 points ยท Posted at 03:02:25 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)*
A better tip than throwing the cops off by picking ur nose is by dribbling a basketball around. A thug I knew from the hood was chased by the popo from a house burglary ran across neighbors yards realized he wouldn't make it and scoop up a basketball on the driveway and took off his shirt, started dribbling and practicing his crossover. The cops ran right past him. Later that day we watched the afternoon local news with helicopter aerial view covering an arm robbery suspect at large but I could barely make out my buddy still dribbling that basketball on the driveway, LOL. Cops will chase anyone running away from them but will disregard anyone playing basketball.
*Til this day the most valuable thing he ever stole was that basketball, haha
Loochifer ยท 351 points ยท Posted at 05:34:07 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is some classic Scooby Doo business right here
1nfiniteJest ยท 234 points ยท Posted at 05:52:06 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I first started driving, a bunch of my friends were at his house. He sold drugs, most of us had drugs on us. It had just began to snow, and we decided to leave. We all go outside to get in my car, and see a cop car parked across the street, facing the opposite direction. We had all manner of illegal shit with us, and half of us were in the car already, so we figured running back in would be shady. The rest get in, 6 people in my 95 explorer. AS soon as I pull away from the curb down the street, the cop lights us up and starts turning around. My friend screams GO GO GO, and I kinda panicked, floored it, spun out into a perfect 180 degree turn, and proceeded to drive slowly back up the street. This happened in a residential area, and my accidental 180 was just out of sight of the cop due to a curve in the road. We pass him, he's still got his lights on, chasing us in the other direction. I guess it just didn't occur to the cop that I could turn so quickly and be heading back the way I came. The light coating of snow definitely saved us that time.
D0esANyoneREadTHese ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 09:30:20 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar, if you think you're being tailed in traffic, get on a curved/obstructed freeway ramp and then slow down onto the shoulder fast by downshifting or using the handbrake. Chances are they won't know what's happening, since downshifting and e-brake don't show brake lights and there's likely another car between you, and you'll end up BEHIND your tailer. Always move to the RIGHT shoulder though, that one gives you extra time to speed up because of the emergency lane. Picked that one up from reading Zodiac, but it does work.
[deleted] ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 15:53:55 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldve just gone back inside, they cant do anything without a warrant lol that was too risky
admirelurk ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:45 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They can follow you in hot pursuit.
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 17:20:54 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not if you havent done anything illegal
RedditFrenzy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:35:01 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Evading cops is illegal?
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 19:03:07 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was just sitting there
RedditFrenzy ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:08 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If the friend from the car also went inside they have probable cause to enter since he was driving away and they'd find drugs on them since they had drugs as he said.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:44:19 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They wouldnt have driven if they went inside as I was saying wouldve been safer to do its just a couple of guys goin out to the car and goin back inside nothing illegal about it, sure it may look sketchy but its not illegal.
Hazardous_Moisture ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 08:21:02 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MISSION PASSED
RESPECT +
sweetb00bs ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 07:07:28 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
are you fucking serious. I dont belive you
WolfROBellion ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 08:09:43 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
pretty sure this is a GTA mission
OneDeepion ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 11:22:44 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The moment any living being turns it's back and starts running away, it becomes a prey.
[deleted] ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 12:27:38 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Notsononymous ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:06:13 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure I've seen the video
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:06:56 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Skea_and_Tittles ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:25:41 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen it too, it was quite a while back though. I trying to find it, I'll link it if I do.
koldlaser ยท 251 points ยท Posted at 01:16:48 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who sell 5 cent gum?
SmallsTheHappy ยท 169 points ยท Posted at 02:19:28 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The old man who runs the general store duh
atombombbaby69 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 03:47:47 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why this reminds me of this story but here it goes. So my grandparents used to own a general store in town. It was run down and not very good looking. That's not the worst part though. You could go in there and the prices of things are twice what you'd pay at normal stores and they were insanely expired. That was in a small town and back before inspectors were really serious about stuff like that. We had gone there and bought a bag of marshmallows to make smores with once and guess what. When we opened them they looked like they had already been roasted. They were rock hard *insert lenny face* and they were all morphed together into one giant blob. 0/10 would not buy from there again.
frezzhberry ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:29:21 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. Wouldn't support your own grandparents small business again?
atombombbaby69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:16:25 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably not.
sukkitrebek ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:18:24 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bazooka Joe duh
lucidus_somniorum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:16:13 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The dollar store.
SpheredRock0404 ยท 207 points ยท Posted at 06:36:38 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some of these are more ULPT, but I'm not complaining
ONE_MAN_MILITIA ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 07:44:38 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes you are. But i'm not judging.
DeadPlayerWalking ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 08:05:56 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes you are. But I'm not life-ing.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 11:53:30 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes you are, but Iโm not edgy-ing
I_AM_YOUR_DADDY_AMA ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:30:55 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes you are, but Iโm not parenting.
FaceDePetXL ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 11:18:17 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You should, OP will send you a 50$ voucher.
burdizthewurd ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:50:45 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the true ILPT
nickname2469 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:54 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The one about the ATM and gum is just a LPT tbh
errosemedic ยท 175 points ยท Posted at 05:51:53 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the same idea as wearing a yellow vest wear a T-shirt or jacket that says security on it and carry a large bright flashlight. I work as a security guard and one night after I got off I went to a concert with a buddy. I managed to accidentally walk right past the legitimate security AND the police. I was almost to the grass seats before I realized I had entered the wrong gate (I came in the employee entrance, I thought it was a path leading to the ticketing area.) when I went back to the guards/cops and asked for directions a guard told me I shouldnโt have said anything because he assumed I worked for someone else contracted there and thatโs why he didnโt bother me.
the_negativest ยท 169 points ยท Posted at 00:43:03 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trying the sock one
tugoflove ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 05:21:18 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best with lotion
Fufucudddlypuff ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 06:54:19 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the only one I don't really get. Can someone explain to me?
Rick-5anchez ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 07:05:18 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stuff the sock up where the change comes out, it will lead people to believe there is no change given. You then come back, remove the sock and hopefully some coins come out with it.
ObscureObelisk ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 07:16:10 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As if people won't see something jammed in the slot.
sukkitrebek ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 07:20:35 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you have to jam it up far enough that you wont see it, not just in the front hole. No one goes feeling around in there normally when a machine steals your change they just abuse the machine like a redheaded stepchild on report card day instead.
honkhonkbeepbeeep ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 12:58:58 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
sukkitrebek ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:17:22 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awwwwyissssss
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 07:24:49 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think theyโre saying you gotta really get it up in there and out of sight. Also, itโs probably important to get the right size sock.
TotesMessenger ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 08:10:54 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:
ย If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)
Kd0t ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:26:28 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Won't the sock just drop once there's some coin in there? How exactly can you keep it up there?
FerretFarm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:24 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To keep it in place once it's up there you just inflate it.
Kd0t ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:33 on December 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How exactly do you inflate a sock?
FerretFarm ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:52:40 on December 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blow into the open end.
soren813 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:23:17 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Keep me posted
the_negativest ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:24:17 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure thing officer.
soren813 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:24:52 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[--]7
soren813 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:00 on December 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any luck?
the_negativest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:39 on December 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haven't tried yet. Will inform. If/when I do
FaceDePetXL ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:17:34 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This the one I hate the most. You are not stealing big companies, you're stealing people and probably poor ones. Don't do that please.
soren813 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:14 on December 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sock thing work?
MightySwag22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:38 on December 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you ever try it out ?
the_negativest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:08 on December 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nooooo not yet.... I gotta find one I walk by regularly that's not under video surveillance
chunkybeefbombs ยท 164 points ยท Posted at 04:46:23 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now all the cops whoโve read this post are going to be on the watch for nose-pickers.
XEnonita ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 17:51:48 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And they won't care about others, boom, even more confused
D2ek5ler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:23 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
GOTTTT EM
sweetb00bs ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 07:08:04 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grow a mustache so when you get pulled over, theyll just think youre another cop and let you off.
sukkitrebek ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 07:23:29 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dont forget to to be wearing aviators 24 hours a day just in case
[deleted] ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 11:54:12 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just use the mirror license trick so they arrest themselves.
mootmath ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:21:37 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why the fuck am I laughing so hard at this lol I don't even understand it ๐๐๐
sticky_lemon ยท 232 points ยท Posted at 02:32:31 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This whole post is gold, best ILPT Iโve seen yet
AmanitaMakesMe1337er ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 08:52:06 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of them aren't even close to illegal...
rhodium-chloride ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 09:29:04 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
are you saying fraud isn't illegal?
v-nast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:51:20 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah a lot of these are more r/unethicallifeprotips, but who cares awesome post
dub599 ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 05:09:03 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The 7-11 slurpee one isnโt bad. Itโs way better to walk into a store like Safeway with a big ass Burger King cup thatโs empty but has a lid and straw and fill it with small items. Pretend to drink from the cup while youโre in the store and walk out after shopping. This works better if youโre in the store with a friend or two. Good for stealing pills or hair dye or deodorant, whatever you need thatโs small. If youโre really dedicated glue a few pieces of short fishing line connected to a piece of brown paper to make it look like their is coke in the cup and to hide items.
Nate_36 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 08:10:49 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay but answer me this, the slushy machine always pretty far away from the candy isle, like, how you gonna fill up a drink and THEN walk to the candy section, take the lid off and start putting candy in there without getting caught? That sounds like risky bis
McNasty95 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:40:35 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stealing is more of an art ,
Blackdog_86 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:07:48 on December 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smash through the store front in your vehicle creating a distraction. Grab a cup, go find some candy. Put candy in cup. Go back to slushy machine and fill cup. Smile and wave goodbye to the cashier after paying. Reverse carefully out of the shop, ensuring to check both mirrors for any hazards.
Boom, free candy.
Gaws_Mexican ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:54:01 on December 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.
dobelieveinbear ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 08:19:10 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Out the candy in before the Slushee.
KingBarbarosa ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 09:53:03 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
grab an empty cup, walk over to the candy aisle, then walk back and load up slushie?
oldspicehorse ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 10:50:14 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grab the candy first then walk over to slushy machine.
epikfal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:43:07 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not everyone is good at critical thinking
oldspicehorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:50 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is true.
drphillysblunt ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 06:39:58 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)*
this reads like the anarchist cookbook in the mid 90s. it's a decade or 2 too late, but still pretty interesting.
btw, anyone that tells you they are a good liar or bad liar, is a liar. hopefully not habitually if you care about what they say, but they've definitely been caught or tested it too many times to be confident in that statement.
D0esANyoneREadTHese ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 09:32:38 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This exact copypasta was on BBSes in the mid 80s, but a lot of it still holds up.
[deleted] ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 02:24:03 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never thought id see "picking your nose" in ILPT
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 10:25:26 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Atomic_Blaze321 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 12:01:59 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Usually eating a nose in front of police isnโt the best idea, but you do you.
UHPokePanda ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:25:41 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen people in their cars picking their nose while in traffic. I don't see how they think people around them don't notice.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:16:22 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe they don't care. My dad is like that lmao
MrJayMeister ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:42:50 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I gotta try a lot of these
h8m8ker ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:44:52 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao the bums in downtown LA are always using this "hustle". Every day I get one asking for tape to rig one of these up lol
Jordbrett ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 14:31:05 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you smoke weed in a car...always keep a half broken cig with you. That way you can light it and pretend it's the cig when you get pulled over. It's less obvious to smoke a half a cig than a freshly lit one.
C-O-M-I-C-S ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 17:45:24 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But weed smells way different than a regular cig, all your doing is bringing a bit of doubt to the officer that they will immediately disregard to get at looking at your car.
Jordbrett ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:13 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean...if you get pulled over smoking you're usually fucked either way. But hopefully you're not hot boxing the car. If you're smoking a blunt it still smells a little bit like tobacco. To be fair, we were high when we thought of this, so it could be a terrible idea. But it did actually work once for us. We got pulled over turning onto the highway and immediately lit my half cig and the cop either didn't say anything or didn't notice.
HayzenDraay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:46 on December 10, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No I know that shit straight up Works, it'll work with a fresh cigarette too but you just need a power drag or 72s
RajaThat ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 03:58:16 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha love the jake and amir reference
asdf785 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:36:53 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I get 100 uptokes I will go dickless for michael chickless literally tonight
kesagatame ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:30:53 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ask him anytime
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:55:54 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
BallsofSt33I ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:03:54 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm have a what???
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:11:54 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
oldspicehorse ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:51:45 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You did not!
RajaThat ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:29:45 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This man is a pimp and a cool! Upvote him to karma heaven baby!
StevieWonder_CanSee ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:04:18 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Came here to say this
BorrowedSalt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:43 on December 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL I was hoping people caught that.
benebecker1 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:12:20 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could someone further elaborate on the stir stick one?
D0esANyoneREadTHese ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 09:36:37 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The coin hits a "button" when you turn the knob on a mechanical vending machine, the kind that sell gumballs or gas station sex toys, but anything that can push the button will work. Stir sticks, paper clip, tine on a plastic fork, etc. My city got rid of its 70s parking meters because everyone had figured out that Starbucks stirrers could fool them, since they used the same knob mechanism.
chad311 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:00:07 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
would this trick work on the sticker/temporary tattoo vending machines where you put quarters into the slots on a tray and push it forcefully in and the pull it out and the stickers or tattoos are inside of a little cardboard envelope cover thing?
Penguin_Chaser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:26:17 on December 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stickers/temporary tattoos? You god damn criminal! Lol
Rafko1801 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 11:56:15 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can tell you the tips with the crutches at the airport is not working
living_undera_rock ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 13:37:56 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theyโve probably patched it
McNasty95 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:44:51 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People use to smiggoe drugs in thru they're cast , so now days . Cripples look more of a drug addict than most people .
I bet his Tylenol 3's are in his pocket :Dispatch: Let loose the K9's .
MaginTheBranded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:47 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/outside
UHPokePanda ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:17:12 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When purchasing tickets through AMC A-List, I choose 1 child ticket for my Fiancee and place my (adult) ticket on top of that one.
They both look the same and the ticket person never bothers to check.
Silneit ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:43:34 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Well sir I hope you and your...um...lover have a nice flight with us today..."
DracoMalfoi47 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:58:47 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a movie ticket bruv ๐
Silneit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:14:05 on December 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah feck, I missed the AMC part
DracoMalfoi47 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:48:17 on December 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No prob mate, still got my upvote
thehybridview ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:53:48 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The nose-picking one is great, and I'm definitely trying the sock one
devildidnothingwrong ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 07:51:21 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You should use your cum sock, and leave a small (no handwritten) message proclaiming that your hiv infested semen is all over the sock. That way, if anyone steals your sock or touches to remove it, they will only do so one time!
CryptoTruancy ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:47:25 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are like some CIA level protips! Thanks Ted!
UHPokePanda ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:27:05 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ted took over a decade to find the Mother of his kids, and it wasn't even the girl he ended up with in the end!
Yus_Gaming ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:24:27 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are more r/UnethicalLifeProTips, but it's a great list!
sonsons07 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:15:33 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is basically the ILPT bible.
ZforZenyatta ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:43:03 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...that one about airline complaints is a line from Jake and Amir.
R6z3 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:45:24 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like I wouldnโt see that Jake and Amir quote
Daddy_Raptor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:51:11 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Surprise Jake and Amir reference
SinisterRoomba ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:38:18 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I have a crush in OP. Smooth as fuck.
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:03:00 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
59-red-balloons ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:51:22 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cute
DarkDreamer1337 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:18:03 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting list
mr_beachtrees ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:27:03 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
v no d
PM_ME_CREEPY_DMs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:40:12 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking love the nose picking one tho
JackC747 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:04:20 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You absolute ass. You jerk.
Zero_GramsTransFat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:05:48 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The third to last one is a skit from Jake and Amir
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QdaFxJ3PYkg
Itโs can actually cost someone their job
ErwinFurwinPurrwin ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:54:10 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Double down on the nose-picking one by pretending to eat a booger. They'll most likely turn and walk away in disgust. Nobody wants to interact with someone who just ate a boogie.
living_undera_rock ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:40:33 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or theyโll come ask why the hell you pretend to eat boogers in public
ErwinFurwinPurrwin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:15:34 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they weren't inches away from your face at the time, how would they know you were pretending?
ani3D ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:56:23 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, is asking for cash back on a 5-cent item illegal??
Jacksonben1331 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:11 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain the plastic straw one? What do you use it for and etc??
chad311 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:34:53 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
With the coffee stir stick are you talking about the quarter machines where you have to usually slide the tray holding the quarters in, and then pull it back out and you usually get something like some stickers or temporary tattoos?
RizzoTheSmall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:35 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That last one is like 90% of physical penetration testing. That, and a set of comically overused keys.
ExtensionMoney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:30 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You is a god
herobraeden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:13 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn
ashthundercrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:42 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thing with the crutches is...now you have to carry/deal with crutches your whole flight.
ryankoch38 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:40 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Marry me
fluffedpillows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:02 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're a cool fuckin fella
theterribletigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:51:46 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Crutches are a huge pain. A knee immobilizer get the job done and fits in a carry-on.
shaggy1452 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:23 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All of these are mad good except for the allergies one, everyone already that i actually have allergies and they still just assume iโm stoned or crying every time.
zora2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:29:27 on December 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol the drug one is so true, I've never done drugs or drank alcohol (I guess I tried wine at a friends house one time) so all my friends always try to get me to do drugs or drink. It is honestly pretty hilarious.
itchy_buthole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:55:50 on December 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you need to write a book. i was sad when i was done reading this post. i need more.
Mr-Octopod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:05 on February 16, 2019 ยท (Permalink)
.
LuthAlex ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 05:29:59 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of these aren't illegal. Some of them aren't even pro, you can get 6$ from a vending machine, wow! And the free drugs tip requires you to be around new people everytime you want to use it, given the tips on lying this one is definitely exaggerated.
crumpledelex ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 08:01:31 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm thinking people don't believe OP as much as he thinks they do. I mean, somebody who does $200 worth of drugs every weekend isn't gonna convince people that they've never done drugs because they're gonna look exactly like people who do hella drugs.
macspy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:12:34 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Show up fashionably late so they will already be high and will fail to notice the crack on your nose.
cunticles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:56 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
$200 worth of drugs in Sydney is only 2/3 of a gram of cocaine unfortunately so you wouldnt be a heavy user.
That_Unoriginal_User ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:47:27 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always use the lie trick. Its saved my ass in a pinch. My family, girlfriend and coworkers all think I'm a terrible liar. I'm just playing the long game sukkahs
dipique ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:02 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And all you need to pay is living a lie!
McNasty95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:14 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can agree with the drugs especially with young kids in groups . That kid is to be me , I always wanted to be the first to fuck everyone life up with herion so it was free to new users .
And the alcohol , it's prob everyone is upset they can't stay so so , you can't either dammit !!!
devildidnothingwrong ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 07:34:05 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP! This is incredible! You just gave me a Ph.D in crime! Any other tips you got?
ShreepShreep ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:00:40 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stolen from tumblr
sithlordmaster181 ยท -40 points ยท Posted at 02:54:39 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of these are horse shit
jack12380 ยท -20 points ยท Posted at 04:04:45 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They downvoted shitlordmaster because he told them the truth
sithlordmaster181 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:19:55 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes the truth hurts
jack12380 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:08 on December 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think its safe to say none of these people are actual criminals