Proof that I own the full copy.

For the record, I have never played Minecraft. My reaction to these jokes will be based entirely on what is presented to me by this book.

The book itself is divided into twelve chapters. I've skipped a fair portion of the middle section, because that's the area most of the jokes already posted come from. For the record, the iBook version is 215 pages long.

An early example of the calibre of jokes we'll be receiving. Note the artwork, worthy of being hung next to a Rembrandt.

Just kidding it's trash.

Why the hell would anyone think a green moss monster is giving out hugs? Is it a prostitute creeper?

...there better not be Rule 34 of creepers

i'm already deeply regretting spending $5 on this

Sometimes these tongue twisters are added into a chapter. They're... okay, I guess? Nothing compared to "the sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick". So, I'll skip most of these.

Not content with crimes against humour, now the book is attacking the art of poetry itself

Metrically it leaves little to be desired, and it's pretty tame subject matter. Shame you can't print "Man from Nantucket" in a children's book.

...that metrical comment is gonna get me on r/iamverysmart, isn't it

I can haiku too
But haikus are meant to be
About the wondrous world

Haikus of Minecraft
Give me such indigestion
Please no more of these

Nero then had his mother stabbed and played the fiddle as Rome burned

...are these even riddles, or just literal facts about the game

...okay, so apparently the authors are stalking me

...This literally isn't a joke. This is what it looks like when a sense of humour commits seppuku. The only difference is that there's no dignity to be maintained by this book.

I love the full stop in the answer. Not even the joke book can muster any enthusiasm about this awful punchline.

Am I just old? Who the hell is Taio Cruz? And how is this a joke about noobs? One word does not a noob joke make!

If nothing happened, why are you telling us

Are you telling me dragons don't make a hissing noise? I mean, they're practically snakes with wings...

I'm going to stop arguing with this book.

Picture provided without context.

"The pact will soon be fulfilled, darling!"
"Let's join the dark lord together, my love!"

Haha, this one actually made me laugh. But how is it a Minecraft joke, and does the target audience even know what a hippie is?

I'm pretty sure I saw a hentai with this plot once

Nice rhyme with "lava" there, guys. You wrote this when you needed some "java" in your system?

An entire double-page of fucking awful puns. You're welcome that I spared you the five other pages, identical to this one.

Not if it's from this goddamn book, that's for sure

Are baby zombie pigmen funny at all? I feel like if I saw the reanimated carcass of some monstrous half-piglet, I'd be running and screaming like I was in a Goosebumps book.

How... esoteric. Do the writers really think kids know who Bones is?

This joke is literally in the first comic strip ever published, in Victorian England. That's how recycled these jokes are

This is like one of those anti-jokes, isn't it? The ones where the joke comes from how much it isn't a fucking joke? Well, I can do those too!

Q: Why is a raven like a writing desk?
A: It isn't.

Give me a medal for comedy

Nothing but high-class humour in the Minecraft Joke Book

Wh... what?

Does... Jeb Bush play Minecraft...?

...label...
...toast...
...rabbit...

...what?

Oh, I get it! I know how to write Minecraft jokes now!

Q: Why did the Minecraft chicken cross the Minecraft road?
A: To get to the other Minecraft side Minecraft!

I should write one of these, it'd only take a day

NAAAAAA NANANA NANA NAA NAA NA
KATAMARI DAMASHIIIIIIIII

I'm sure glad one of us will, because I sure won't

Well that doesn't date this trash at all.

...What am I saying? This book is already so dated, it thinks the Raj is a nice holiday destination.

I feel like this joke might make me chortle if I had the slightest clue who Guy Fieri was

These jokes were opposite each other on a double-page. Are you kidding me? Look, authors, if you couldn't come up with 800+ Minecraft jokes, that's fine, but don't say there are 800+ jokes in your awful book!

Remember when you were young
You shone like the sun
Shiiiiiine on you craaaaaaaaazy diamond

This one came dangerously close to being a good joke. Luckily it was beaten to death shortly before it escaped mediocrity

jesus this is bad

You will never convince me that this picture is not a Minecraftian smoking a bong.

biting political commentary from the minds that brought you invisible fart jokes

Oh, yeah, I'm sure you had to italicise "Ender". It's not like your target audience is so stupid that they couldn't spot that...

...Never mind.

YOU TALENTLESS HACKS. IT'S THE SAME JOKE TWICE! IT'S THE SAME GODDAMN JOKE!

this book is going to be the end of me.

Ah, well... at least they wouldn't be stupid enough to repeat a joke twice, a second time.

...shunuvabitch

Steve? Which Steve? Steve Buscemi? Steven Spielberg? Steve, the guy who owns the pizza shop two doors down?

if Steve is a real character, don't tell me, I don't care.

Hopefully they keep going past this book in a bookshop

Don't creepers, um, explode? So... how could it talk to a respawned player? And why the fuck am I questioning this book?

You know what? I would actually believe that this book's target audience had never heard of YOLT, and therefore needed the clarification that it is a Bond film.

What I wouldn't believe is anyone being stupid enough to write a joke that the target audience wouldn't get into a jokebook.

oh god this is going to suck

there are pages and pages of this crap

For your sake, I'll only riff the "best" ones.

Haha, there isn't really Minecraft fanfiction, is there? Of course not, right, guys?

guys?

Why would knowing Swedish get you updates faster? I mean, I know Notch is Swedish, but... knowing a language doesn't put you in that country. I speak Japanese, but that doesn't mean I can walk down the street and get mobbed by people calling me their "waifu"

This just seems like good advice. If I ever run into a tall person dressed entirely in black, I'm getting the hell out of there

you might also be a serial killer

"Honey, can you help with the groceries?"
"Sorry, mum, I'm a Minecraft addict. Can't help you."

Finally. The last chapter.

This can't be too bad, can it?

...Well, it's not good... but at least it's short!

Well, that concludes our --

...wait

oh, no

oh NO

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In conclusion:

(graphic taken from Blogger Beware, which is great and you should go read it)

Thank you for reading this long as hell review thing. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I didn't enjoy the Minecraft book.

...Wait a minute...

*cries softly*