Upvote for getting your mom audited by the IRS

The liquor store my parents went to would always give me a sucker at the register -- so I grew up calling suckers "lickers"

you must have come off like you had just conned that poor lady. so hilarious

Oh man, I thought "cabron" is the equivalent of buddy in Spanish.
When I visited a friend who lived in an Ocupa in Barcelona, we bought some dope from some very shady "friends" of his in an alley around next to their house.
After a little small talk and everything going according to plan, we said bye and I sad "thanks cabron"... Luckily, he didn't seem to hear me, but my friend turned instapale and looked at me like I just punched a little kitty in the face.
It's one of those moments where I think back and get a gut wrenching feeling for a couple of seconds, contemplating what could have happened.

Edit: cabron is a sware word. Thanks for the explanation alach11.

I laughed. Thank you!

How old are you?

Fun fact: "sucker" originated as a shortened form of "cocksucker."

I'm a sucker for suckers.

Upvote for having been called sucker so many times that you actually think it's a compliment.

I think there's a biblical term, succour, which means support.

When l mess up in the future l'll just fucking yell

"I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

I used to think that jacking off was the same thing as jacking around. For a while my response to "what's up?" was "nothing..just jacking off"

Hold on. You're an Asian born in England who grew up in Panama and moved to the United States?

WHO ARE YOU?

Upvote for typing this out and setting the scene.

Imagine the surprise when John came out of the bathroom as he witnessed 30 sixth graders miming slow handjobs in utter silence to a stunned Asian kid.

I just did, and it's hilarious.

What happened to john? Musta been pretty bad.

you win. very few things make me laugh aloud.

My sides hurt from crying so hard and laughing through that story of yours. Nice work!

Wait wait wait. So you're an English-born Asian from Panama?!

'I HEARD HE JACKS OFF IN THERE. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!"

"I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

Read, naturally, in the voice of Tracy Jordan.

That's amazing! I had almost the exact same experience.

I was about the same age (7th grade) and was travelling with a school club to a baseball tournament. The night before our first game, four of us sharing one hotel room were sitting around the table playing penny poker. One of our other friends staying in another room, Justin, was supposed to join us, but he hadn't shown up yet. When one of my roommates asked aloud where Justin was, another replied that he was "probably wacking off by himself somewhere." I chuckled along with the other guys and just assumed it meant he was goofing off somewhere.

The next morning, the full team was gathering in the lobby with the chaperones to go to a restaurant for breakfast. One of the kids was missing, and a chaperone asked if anyone knew where he was. I helpfully offered, "He's probably wacking off by himself somewhere." Just like Juplay, I got that look of complete shock from everyone in the room, and my face started glowing red with embarrassment.

To this day, whenever I ask my wife where one of our cats or our dog is, she always responds with "probably wacking off by himself somewhere." This is proof to me that, eventually, you will be able to laugh at the things that mortified you the most as a kid.

And, in a very odd coincidence with Juplay, I lived in Panama between 2nd and 4th grades, although I was in the U.S. before and after that, so I had no excuse for not knowing what "wacking off" meant.

30 sixth graders knew what "jacking off" meant? I didn't even know what that meant or was until my sophomore year of high school. And that's when I finally understood that scene in "There's Something About Mary".

I was a late bloomer. I had wet dreams, but didn't masturbate until I was like 13. I liked looking at dirty pictures on the net, but, it never occurred to me to rub one out. Well, while still learning "what to do"...I'd tap my cock a little bit. I'd heard of it referred to as "spanking it", so, thats what I did. I spanked my fucking penis...not hard, but still spanked it no less.

When I was in the 6th or 7th grade, I had a male best friend that apparently thought jacking off meant hanging out (I have no idea how he made it that long without really knowing what it meant, maybe because we used to just say 'touching ourselves'). One day in front of the whole class, he yelled across the room and told everyone that he was going to jack off with me later. It went from confusing to embarrassing really quickly for the both of us. Haha I should see if he still remembers.

I had no idea what the word "fuck" meant, but someone had written "Fuck U" in typical bubbly graffiti-style writing on the side of the playground. Saw it every day, didn't think much of it.

One day I sit down at lunch near a couple of kids, and one of them mentions that his cousin got in trouble for "saying the 'F' word," to which I immediately responded "You mean fuck?" Asshole told on me, I got a stern talking to from the lunch supervisor(nazi), my teacher, my parents... and throughout this whole ordeal I kept saying "I didn't know that was a bad word!"

Fucking tattle-tales.

At boarding school, we told this Thai kid that "feces" meant "pizza" (he always ate pizza) and that "rubbing one out" meant "studying". He'd tell his teachers he ate feces for lunch and that he rubbed one out before class.

Be careful reading this in a quiet office. This gave me the giggles.

Panama is in asia?

I'm going to get fired now... total LOL for like 15 minutes.

Sorry Officer, I didn't know I couldn't DO that.

As a teacher, let me tell you that your teacher still laughs when she is out drinking and telling people that joke. Not at you, but at the situation. That is hilarious. The teacher probably thought it hilarious that someone finally pointed it out, but of course had to act like it was awful.

until you got to the "in utter silence to a stunned Asian kid" part i thought you were talking about me. i've had ibs since i can remember and we had a bathroom inside the classroom that i had to frequently use. up until now i thought either people didn't notice my frequent trips or knew i took frequent shit breaks. now i have plausible cause to think the whole class thought i was beating off, holy crap!

"I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

In my head I heard Tracy Jordan

im twelve and what is this?

That reminded me...when I was a kid, instead of calling people I was mad at (like my parents) "jerks," I would call them a "jerk-off." My mom kept telling me to stop saying it...that it was very rude. She always refused to explain to me why it was rude when I asked, though. It wasn't until years later that I realized.

this is why i love reddit- its a record of untold stories :]

Please bestof this. I need to go get a towel to clean the spittake off my screen.

Upvote for "miming slow handjobs...." Best. Visual. Ever.

30 sixth graders miming slow handjobs in utter silence to a stunned Asian kid.

i lol'd.

Upon seeing the all-caps quotes, did every one else think of A Prayer for Owen Meany?

Heads up bro, "fucking the dog" means to not be doing any work.

I didn't know 6th graders could jack off

This might just be one of my favourite comments I've ever seen on Reddit.

This pretty much sums up the reason I love AskReddit! Thanks for the laugh.

I read that in Tracy Morgan's voice

Except for the asian part you're like my grandpa... born in England, moved very young to Panama, then moved to the US (granted older than you were). Did your father own a bank or something?

It's real fast and then you stop!

dude..... people don't forget that kind of shit. That kid was probably scarred for life into a life of destitution and later on prostitution

LOUD NOISES

This comment has been flagged non-ADHD accessible.

You're the best story teller ever... [6]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi2ZZVDJO2w

One of my classrooms always seemed to have a fishy smell so I would loudly accuse my Religious Education of wanking in a bucket in the storeroom every time I entered the room.

Thank you for the laugh, that was hilarious. Did you stop being the teacher's pet after that?

I HEARD HE JACKS OFF IN THERE, LIZ LEMON. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey. --Zach G.

Seriously? Until now I thought the phrase came from eating cold turkey whenever you crave a cigarette, so eventually you associate smoking with disgusting cold turkey and your body stops wanting it...

KingOfTheWaffle... DON'T YOU MEAN KINGOFTHECAR-... Oh nvm.

I still firmly believe that eating turkey will help fight nicotine cravings

I definitely thought that going "cold turkey" meant eating lots of it and being raised vegetarian, I hoped I'd never have to quit anything because of the meat need.

I made the same mistake the first time I watched 'The French Connection', I was like 7 or something, and bugged my parents about how eating turkey could stop you being addicted to heroin.

What, she switched to Smoked Ham?

hahah thanks for this one.

Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds - Homer Simpson

You're not alone. I thought the same thing.

Wow, I am 20 and i just learned this today, wow i am an idiot.

Imagine if you kept it your entire life and it was revealed in an important meeting or on tv or something. People would think you are a moran.

I thought it meant a 'bad girl' because my middle school classroom had a poster of a "Draggin' Lady" on it and it was anti-cigarette propaganda so she looked like a crack whore.

Picture a street drag race with a cute girl at the start line. They are racing for pinks. Until recently I always thought that the pink there were racing for was, umm, well...you know THE pink. It was a bit of a let down to discover it meant car registration pink slips. I kind of lost interest after that.

Thats a race queen. And her race is usually Asian.

Ha! This reminds me when I was about 13 and my 16y.o. sister, who had just received her driver's license, would race people off the line at red lights. I lived for it! I loved it so much that I exclaimed that when I was 16 I was getting a personalized license plate for my car that read DRAGQN. Derp!

Well, to be fair, RuPaul, a famous drag queen, co-opted this visual for her show RuPaul's Drag Race.

the queen of dragons?

I made the mistake of thinking RuPaul's Drag Race was a show about drag racing.

i always wondered where drag was and how it got so many queens

Me too! And one time there was a crossdresser in this store, who my sister pointed out to me and told me he was a drag queen. I was confused because I thought they were supposed to be pretty...

Makes sense

[deleted]

I always wondered why people kept going there if they knew they would die.

haha wow, I thought almost the same thing. I thought that when someone committed "sewer-side" that they went to live in the sewers.

This isn't really so much a misunderstanding as a bit of folk etymology, but when I was a kid I thought 'suicide' was 'sue aside,' and it meant "killing oneself in order to avoid being sued."

Speaking of which, I couldn't work out until I was fifteen was was so controversial about youth in Asia.

I just thought "sewercide" was a very specific, and perhaps sadly common way one kills him or herself. This was confirmed when I saw a Brodway production of Les Mis in which Javert kills himself by jumping off a bridge into what appeared to be a sewer.

No way, the Ninja Turtles would totally hang out around there and fight all the crime.

awesome. i was just going to post the same thing, but you saved me a sentence or two..

Same here. I thought it was like how the Ninja Turtles would surf in the sewers. When I overheard my parents associating "sewer-side" with death I thought "Wow, sewer surfing is a really dangerous sport."

In elementary school, if you consistently aced spelling tests you could "make your own" by just choosing cool words out of the dictionary to study on your own.

I put "suicide" on my list and my teacher pulled me aside during class to voice her concern. I thought it was a type of acid. >.>

Are you me? I used to think the exact same thing.

Weird, I just posted mine about the same thing. I happened to associate it with the residence of the Ninja Turtles, though. It was kind of confusing.

I remember first hearing the term around the time I was also getting really into breakdancing. Watching it mostly, but I recognized the word Suicide as a crazy move involving a backflip or something.

Anyway, there was an ABC Family Movie special on about teen suicide and I was like "Why the hell are all these parents and people so afraid and sad about a breakdancing move?"

Great album

Upboat for the sewer-slide!

In the Urdu language:

Suicide = Khud-Kashi Penmanship = Khush-Khati

Young kids learning to handwrite often use the word suicide, because it is much easier to enunciate.

I thought it was a type of meat, like silverside.

I always had this image of people going to live in a sewer, which is why people disappeared when they "committed suicide", and why people had that look on their faces when they'd talk about it. Because, after all, who wants to live in a sewer?

When we were little, my cousin used to sing this little song about "sitting on the side of the sewer, sitting by the sewer side" and it used to confuse the hell out of me as to why people would hang out at the "sewer side."

This reminded me of a little song my dad once sang when I was a kid and it stuck with me -

A man lay in the gutter
with the sewer by his side
and when they held the inquest
they called it sewer-side.

When i was a kid i knew this kid's song and one of the verses was about about a lady who died in the gutter: a "sewer side"

Who thought this was a good idea?? A suicide joke in a children's song? lol.

What about youth in Asia?

She interpreted it as a very intelligent joke for a 6 years old.

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Ha! When I was six, my mom asked for a sip of my koolade and I told her no because she was driving, and drinking and driving was illegal. She laughed and told me it meant drinking alcohol. I had no idea what alcohol as a beverage was, so I assumed she meant rubbing alcohol. I said, "ew, why would anyone want to drink alcohol?!" And she said, "I don't know, some people like it."

And thus, I thought some people drank rubbing alcohol for quite a long time. Cue embarrassing moments in school in front of peers.

Same. Except I got my mom called into the social worker's office because they asked my 1st grade class "does anybody's mommy or daddy drink and drive?"

I think pretty much all children have this misunderstanding. Upvote.

Same thing. I even started crying when my mom started laughing.

I had my daughter say about the same thing to me.

I remember my mom telling me a relative used to drink. I was around 7 at this time, and I wondered why it was so bad. I remember thinking, "He's just taking a sip of something. What's wrong with that?"

In canada, maybe in the states too, not sure, but in the mid 1980's there was a TV ad showing a bunch of teens or early 20's kids drinking and driving and they were all laughing then they all instantly turned into fucking skeletons.

As a six year old, i also failed to understand the significance of drinking alcohol as opposed to any beverage.

Needless to say, i "told" my dad by screaming and generally freaking the hell out about drinking and driving when he came back to the car with a coke.

My mother laughed at me once....once!

I did this, but mainly because my dad was messing with me. If he had his coffee in the car in the morning, he'd pretend to be worried when we'd pass cops, hiding the coffee, or making me hold it.

And no, he wasn't just a closet alcoholic.

Ya I did the same thing to my dad. I also didn't understand why cops were always looking for drug dealers when there were all these "drugstores" around.

My little brother thought that a city's population was how popular it was (like how many people had heard about the city).

One day when I was 6 I told my mother not to drink and drive while she sipped a Diet Pepsi and she just laughed at me.

Haha I did the same thing! :D

I also did this. Kids are dumb.

I was in the same boat man.

It always scared the hell outta me when my parents would drink a beverage and drive until they explained to me what it actually meant

On the same note I heard , "Alcoholics are people who drink too much". When I went into grade 1 there was a diabetic in class who always seemed to have milk. I told my mom we had an alcoholic in my class. 2 years later I was diagnosed a diabetic.

My fiancee told me a story about when she was young and her dad got pulled over for having a busted tail light (or something like that). She started crying because her dad had a Pepsi, and he was going to be arrested for drinking and driving.

Same experience with Pepsi Clear.

I did this and almost got my parents in lots of trouble with my school when we were learning about drinking and driving and I said that my parents drank and drove referring to their morning coffee.

ha...same! Dad and I were going to the dump mid afternoon and he was drinking a Dr. Pepper. I asked him why he drinks and drives and thought I thought he was drinking a beer.

I did the same thing around that age. I grabbed my mother's soda and tossed it out the window and reminded her of the drinks crashing into each other on the television...

I DID THIS TOO. I fliiiiped out on my stepdad.

my 5 year old just did the same thing to my wife.

I thought the same thing. I was in the car with my dad and a radio commercial came on saying "don't drink and drive." I didn't really know what alcohol was, but I thought I had a pretty good idea of why drinking and driving was a bad idea.

I turned to him and said "Don't drink and drive, Dad. You'll spill your drink."

HAHA I thought I was the only one. My mom always drank her tea in the car. I thought this was reprehensible (not that I knew what that word meant).

I did that as well heh. I wondered why you could eat and drive.

I thought the same thing.

I did the same, I flipped out on my sister because she was drinking an orange crush. I couldn't figure out why everyone was laughing

I did that too

ME2!

I did the same thing to my mother. Are you me?

Yupp. I Did the same thing. I don't remember at what age, but I got on to my mother for drinking sweet tea and driving.

I heard an adult complaining about that first lady that spilled hot coffee in her lap and suing McDonalds. He said she should have been arrested fro drinking and driving.

I thought that too...but I was so disturbed that I never said anything and was just terrified of riding in the car with my mom while she drank coffee. I was scared that she'd be mad at me for calling her out, and I couldn't tell my dad or anyone else because then she might go to jail. This persisted until high school driver's ed. :X

I was a very confused child when I saw an ad that said "If you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot."

I thought the same thing. I wondered if using a straw would be ok since you didn't have to raise the can or whatever in front of your face.

Are you my brother? Because he did this to our mom, who drinks diet pepsi like her life depends on it.

I remember, when I was little, seeing an episode of the cartoon Fat Albert for the first time. A character had resolved to stop drinking (I never saw another cartoon like this), and it was a real challenge. I could understand the challenge, but I didn't understand why you would want to stop drinking. You'd just be really thirsty. What's the point of that?!

This. Except I went so far as to tell my teachers and family members that my mother drinks and drives.

DAE remember, in the mid-90's, when that lady sued McDonalds because she spilt hot coffee on her lap? My friends and I would say "That's why you don't drink and drive".

this was half explained to me, so I always thought it was drinking alcohol while driving. I'd ask, why not just drink it all before you got in the car?

(little kids don't know how long drunk is)

I did the exact same thing, only I don't recall if it were a diet pepsi and she was more exasperated than laugh-y.

I did the same thing. I remember being very angry at my mom one day when she was drinking a soda while driving me home from school. I feared for our lives.

I thought the same thing..... that all changed when I turned 29 and then thought..... oh I see what you did there.

I was reading through and was wondering if I'd see this. Yeah, my parents drank coffee while driving. Your interpretation was my interpretation.

Reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons where Homer was driving and he stopped his car to take a sip of his beer as not to be drinking and driving.

My sister did the exact same thing. The Beverage was diet pepsi. Weird.

I thought 'smoking pot' was when you ashed you cigarette into a pot (like a plant pot).
So I told everyone in school my mom smoked pot, because she ashed in a pot. Teachers where not happy. Come to think of it neither was my mom.

I used to think this but also equate the dangers of drinking and driving with eating and driving.

I had a nightmare about this: everyone in our neighborhood swarmed around our car because my mom was backing out while drinking out of a glass.

Yeah I used to think this around the age of 5 or so.

My little brother did a similar thing. Only it was with Diet Coke, and he said to a social worker. Yeah that was fun.

I read this, immediately recognized it as familiar, and assumed you'd just stolen it from some comedian. ("Demetri Martin, maybe?")

Spent ten minutes trying to Google for a source so I could call you out on your blatant plagiarism before it occurred to me that source might be you.

I am stealing this and writing a screenplay. Just thought you should know.

[deleted]

Sounds like something out of a kids fairy tale story.

Would you kindly... die?

You could say the sentence began with

sunglasses

Capital punishment.

Avada Kedavra!

That's fantastic!

Pretty sure I heard this one before on reddit.

Similarly, I thought "lethal injection" meant what people refer to as "the firing squad."

It made sense: the condemned would be injected, lethally, with lead.

Is that not right?

That's fucking bad-ass. "One, two, three, you're -dead-.". DEATH SENTENCE. Coming this summer. Rated R.

Kind of like a Dementor's Kiss in Harry Potter?

Etch this phrase is stone and keep it for later generations.

This is excellent reasoning, with the hood.

but... if he knew the sentence how would he himself not be dead?

Maybe it's a Warcraft thing. New Priest spell, Power Sentence: Death!

一遍、死んで見る？

Laputan machine.

Monty Python's Flying Circus.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funniest_Joke_in_the_World

Vogon poetry anyone?

He tells them what hot dogs are made out of.

Similar... I thought Prosecution meant "Decapitation".

Imagine my chain of thought when I read the signs, "Intruders will be prosecuted". I was super careful not to intrude on private property.

Maybe this is where Death Note came from.

Lord Soth...anyone?

Sounds like a Tim Burton movie.

But how would the executioner learn the sentence?

Its called power word: death. Its a 3rd ed. DnD spell :p

It sounds like something akin to Dementors in Harry Potter.

I think it goes something like "avada kedavra"

Power Word: Kill ?

You cannot possibly be this dumb.. Or maybe I am severely overestimating the human race.

I think France_is_Bacon would be an awesome username.

We had a monument outside of my high school with this quote. "Knowledge is power - Bacon". We wondered what "power bacon'' was and how to get it.

People were probably pretty impressed every time you seemed to know that the quote is attributed to Francis Bacon, even though you had no idea.

This might be the funniest thing I have read all week. Thank you.

I have seen this around the reddit for some time now but hadn't read your comment until now and I haven't laughed as hard at anything as I laughed at the image of someone saying 'Knowledge is power' and you finishing 'France is Bacon' and the other person nodding in a deeply understanding manner.

Thanks! I will forever remember who said that quote now.

"Knowledge is power, France is Bacon" -- Lard_Baron

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Actually Bacon never uses the exact wording "Knowledge is power" or in Latin "Scientia potentia est"

The closest expression is "Human knowledge and human power meet in one; for where the cause is not known the effect cannot be produced. Nature to be commanded must be obeyed; and that which in contemplation is as the cause is in operation as the rule"

Not quite as memorable as "Knowledge is power"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knowledge_is_power

Why must you make me laugh during class?

This made me laugh ridiculously loudly. :)

Damn you, I've spent the last 15 minutes in this thread and still haven't managed to read any others because I'm laughing so hard.

this needs to be written down in the history of the internet

Similar - I thought General Cornwallis' name was Corn Wallace; I asked my teacher exactly who would name their child Corn and I remember being very confused at his laughter.

"France is Bacon?"

"yes"

the universe trolled you

have you checked the top post in r/pics?

http://i.imgur.com/MYdia.jpg

You have just earned the most worthy upvote I have ever given. I have watched classic comedy sketches that are nowhere near as funny as that.

You'll like this

It seems you have given birth to a new meme! have an upvote

Lard_Baron, I served with Bacon, I knew Bacon, Bacon is a friend of mine. France is no Bacon. (and you should be now be know as Lard_Bacon)

That is so beautiful I am crying.

that is fucking priceless.

Excellent.

Must have been really confusing since France is in fact bacon.

This is the funniest shit I've heard in quite a while.

I can't help but give you an orangered and an upgoat. I haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time. The imagery of you carefully finishing the quote with a questioned form of "... France is Bacon?" had me rolling!

You, sir, made me laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes. My week went terrible, but you post just made up for it. I can't upvote you enough :)

Did this really start here, in this thread?

The best part about misunderstanding phrases is the potential for extremely humorous non sequiturs.

Thank you. I don't believe I can ever forget who said this ever again.

Well, I'll never forget the origin of this quote now. :)

Kudos to 216.249.58.123 http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Francis_Bacon&diff=393516101&oldid=393498914

We pretty much remember that quote and name now for the rest of our lives.

I had a similar misunderstanding in my youth.

I thought the part in the Pledge of Allegiance which goes "...for which it stands..." was actually "Richard Stands". I said it from pre-school until the 4th grade, until I finally asked my mother "Mom, who is Richard Stands? You know, the guy from the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Thanks for that! I laughed so hard tears were flowing....

Posted an hour ago? Give you 2 more before you're top. World-class!

This had me laughing. Perhaps we should make a book out of Reddit.

I've seen this before.

France is Bacon.

When I was very young, I would watch TV and hear "this program is brought to you by..." and hear "brought to you by" as one word. I thought to myself, what is "broughttoyouby" and why are they saying product names immediately after. Anyone else?

I knew this one would be the top post, it always is and I always find it hilarious. You better be the one that always posts this post. Cheers.

It's not the Leaning Tower of Pizza?

It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the penny dropped.

I really wish I could see a recording of your face at the moment of realisation.

I really don't understand how almost a fourth of the votes you have are down.

I laughed so hard it hurts

...bumblebee tuna...

And now we know why you became a lard baron.

On the topic of bacon, I thought Peameal was called Female bacon. My dad had a really hard time understanding why I wanted "Female bacon" for breakfast.

wager: your old man didn't know either.

Hahahaha. Omg I'm laughing so hard people are staring at me

Christ, nearly had a spasm at work, trying not to laugh while helping a customer and my brain is whispering to me "france is bacon, france is bacon."

I wish I knew you. You are living my life. :)

You totally deserve 3418 (and counting) upvotes for that.

shit man, you got me laughing out loud so hard right now

This might be the funniest thing I've read on reddit, and not just because I love a good story about guys named after meat.

One of my favourite graffiti/stories:

The following was on a sign in a library:

Reading makes a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man.

• Bacon

and somebody added "makes a fat man"

Lard_Baron: France is Bacon.

Teacher: Yes.

Lard_Baron: What?

Teacher: He's on second.

Lard_Baron: Who's on second?

Teacher: No, Who's on first.

Lard_Baron: I don't know.

Teacher: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

Lard_Baron: Who?

Teacher: Who's on first.

Lard_Baron: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU

This is actually a copy-paste from a topic similar to this months ago.

Edit: My bad. Appears it was you as well: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/dd85w/my_last_name_just_so_happens_to_be_bacon_ama/c0zcdum

Edit2: and here: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/da2ff/what_are_some_crazy_things_you_thoughtbelieved/c0yohlg

Damn, you use that comment a lot.

This is hilarious.

which is ironic because it's impossible to find bacon in France

Melvin!

[deleted]

Cool story bro.

But seriously, this had my lol'ing, too funny! :D

this is the funniest story I have heard in months. Tears are streaming down my face and I can't even read any more words....Thank you.

I literally laugh out loud... (I'm french btw)

Lol

Knowledge is bacon. You should ponder this for another ten years.

[deleted]

I don't get it...

Seriously someone help me out here.

That's supid, it's "neckstore neighbor"

My 21 year old friend kept typing next store neighbor when she was texting me about her new apartment. Then when I asked her if she meant next door, she tried to play it off like she lived next to a store.

Next door neighbor?

"This Smorning". I thought that the complex rules of English meant when you spoke of todays AM you had to change it from morning to smorning.

Ahh what was I doing for the past 27 years?!

It's not next-door neighbor?

That is all kinds of fucking cute, omg.

Arturito was what most Spanish speaking countries called R2D2

thats AWESOME!

I think this is what I will call him from now on. Thank you, or as I received in a text not meant for me, 'Tenkiu'.

This has to be the most precious thing I have ever read.

I hear that in Sofia Vergara's voice.

I could go for some excruciatingly delicious candy!

you should keep using it this way, it makes you sound like a chill surfer dude. "those were some excruciatingly gnarly waves, dude"

Apples can be excruciatingly big, depending on where you put them.

It does mean extremely actually.

Ditto. No one ever corrected me on it until I lost a point on a vocabulary test.

I suppose both are true for people with horribly decayed teeth.

That is a correct usage in certain context: From Dictionary.com "exceedingly elaborate or intense; extreme: done with excruciating care"

A really similar one I often see is the misuse of "enormity" to just mean "largeness". It's supposed to connote enormous evil, so for example you could talk about "the enormity of the Holocaust", but it's very odd to talk about the "enormity" of the task of rebuilding democracy in Iraq, or the "enormity" of rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina; both of which George W. Bush did.

Or maybe it's not.

I simply wanted to comment that you are awesome for mentioning Pinky and the Brain.

That just makes you sound like a young J. D. Salinger overachieving protagonist.

I'm imagining you having trouble bearing just how excruciatingly delicious candy is, screaming in pain from it.

huh?

*looks it up*

oh, it has to have to do with pain? I've never been corrected on this, might not be common knowledge.

TIL...

Eh, I'm going to keep using it that way.

I can just imagine those words being uttered by a little boy: "mommuh, deez appuhls aww sooh eckskwushiate-ingwy dewishush!!! mhmmm".

If you had to poop it out whole, that apple would be excruciatingly big.

non-native english speaker here, what's the difference?

I did the same with the word immaculate. I thought it meant incredible.

Bodacious.

I like that, it's really descriptive.

Ah shit, I almost choked on my water with that one.

Ramona Quimby made that mistake, too.

I also got in trouble in class for insisting that 70¢ = $1.10. Time and money throw each other off.

When I was learning time, I had no idea what "10 till 8", etc. meant. So when it was 8 o'clock, I would say it was "8 past 7" or "8 till 9".

Did you stop at three quarters past five?

I think I may do this anyway from this point forward.

I'm 36 and I still don't know what people mean when they say "quarter of five" :(

I dated a girl until she showed me her right foot. She lost 3 toes in an accident as a child, so i had to gtfo. What else could i do? I'm lack toes intolerant.

I thought it was "lack toast and tolerant", and wondered what that had to do with dairy. Also, after watching All That, I thought that when you were lactose intolerant milk was literally like kryptonite.

Well that's weird, I'm lactose intolerant AND I lack toes. I like to think I'm a tolerant person, however.

Oh, I hate that goddamn lactose! I wish it would just fucking die!

When I was a kid, I thought Lactose intolerant was when someone gets angry when he eats dairy products.

My daughter thought it was "black toast intolerant", which actually sounds reasonable

Lactose and tolerant, never made any sense to me

I thought it was "Lactose and Tolerant"

As if Lactose was a condition, and they were handling it well.

Those fuckin' d-bags that don't like milk piss me off!

Thanks..I'm laughing and now a moron in this dining hall.

This phrase left me dumbfounded for years as a child too, while watching All That.

I thought it was "Lack Toast In Tolerance"

To me it was "Lack toast and tolerant". I thought I knew it was a dairy allergy but I didn't know what toast had to do with it.

I thought it was lack-toast-intolerance. I knew it meant you couldn't drink milk, I didn't know why.

Reading that, I got the same feeling in my chest from recalling a thought from my childhood that makes me feel stupid. But some kinda innocent, unknowing stupidity.

Yeah, not a novelty account.

That was Legen - I hope you're not lactose intolerant - DAIRY!

Wow. Glad I wasn't the only one!

When I first heard it, it was from The Santa Claus. I thought they said, "black toast and tolerance." Needless to say, I was thoroughly confused.

I grew up in southern VA and most people barely enunciate the "in" so I always heard "lactosen tolerant". I never understood why the people COULDN'T intake something they were tolerant of and it threw off my understanding of tolerance....

HAHA! As a little kid I thought it was "black toast intolerance," I was like "yeah, I have that!"

omg, are you freaking serious? i'm very sad to admit that i'm 22 now, and all this time i thought it was "lactose and tolerant".. this makes so much more sense now !

haha, I thought it was Lactosin Tolerant.

I don't stand for intolerance

I thought it was "like toast and tolerant". I heard them say lactose intolerant on All That on Nickelodeon and it took me quite some time to figure it out.

I'm 23.

I only realised it was 'making ends meet' instead of meat... About two months ago.

Came here to post this. As a kid, I also thought it was "ends meat"; some reference to inability to feed a family or something.

I'm calling bowl shit on this one.

TIL. I thought it was a term for just scraping by and making enough money to put food (meat) on the table. OMG I'm so embarrassed.

I also thought this for the first 20 years of my life. I'm glad I am not the only one.

Yes, yes, finally someone else!

I'm 19 almost 20, always thought it was "making ends meat" until today.

Making ends meat makes so much sense! The cuts of the meat at the end... the shitty meat. Barely able to afford food.

What's the meaning behind "ends meet"?

Yes! This is mine, too! I always pictured that they couldn't even afford meat scraps like the crappy round ends on a stick of salami or a ham.

Wow. I never really thought too much about it but I think I was probably think meat too. I looked it up

Terry Pratchett uses this phrase as a joke about a sausage-salesman (CMOT Dibbler) who has trouble making both ends meat.

I've figured this one out many times, myself. but it never seems to completely lose its first meaning in my mind.

Maybe it didn't used to mean that, but from now on it will for me

thank you

TIL

one more semi-adult who just realized I've had that phrase wrong all along.

I always pictured it as having a long sausage, and curling it around so the two ends touched. I couldn't figure out what it had to do with money, or why doing it might help.

Still sort of confused about the origins of the phrase - the etymology, I suppose - even if I know what I means now. It's about spitroasts, right?

Everyone always takes the rock lobster for granite. The paper tiger is always quick to fold. Something about... scissors lizards.

Ms. Frizzle made that pun in the Archeology episode, but I didn't know it was a joke...

Especially because that shit is like $45/sq.ft.

I think it's a good trade.

Ditto. I must have been 20 or 21.

My friend says this all the time... he is 26. I don't have the heart to tell him.

Because it always starts rock-pun threads.

i still don't understand what's so bad about taking things for granted. granted is a word you don't see too often unless it's in that specific context.