What’s something weird/funny/embarrassing you’ve done on Auto Pilot?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 55782 points · Posted at 21:25:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saved comment

LadyGruntfuttock · 2365 points · Posted at 00:12:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started unbuttoning and unzipping my trousers while I walked towards the toilet, just like I do at home because I'm efficient like that. Except I was at work and was walking through the shared office

_little_birdie_ · 105 points · Posted at 20:18:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did this at airport security! He took off his shoes, jacket, belt and then his shirt before he finally realised what he was doing and where he was.

politburrito · 69 points · Posted at 22:52:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You wanted to see if I was carrying any weapons huh?? Well... take a look at this! Nghh!

Grabs crotch and thrusts

TrueNarwhak · 9 points · Posted at 02:00:22 on December 30, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, FBI here, put your fucking hands up

WickedRaccoon · 115 points · Posted at 08:22:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im imagining a scared coworker staring at you while you lock eyes with her as you march towards her

Rogersgirl75 · 67 points · Posted at 23:41:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk that would be quite the power move. I’m a woman and I think if a coworker started doing that to me I’d be a little impressed. Probably I’d just be like, “well... alright, I guess this is happening.”

subvertingyourban3 · 86 points · Posted at 05:08:08 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kinda have a feeling that you are imagining a certain co-worker

Exoclyps · 27 points · Posted at 08:15:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar after a rough shift the other day. Walked through the shared cafeteria towards the dressing room where my locker is. Started to unbutton my shirt a little early. Good thing I realized what I was doing before it was too late.

tpain8 · 19 points · Posted at 06:49:08 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

ok weirdest thing that this is the top comment because i literally just did this and came here to comment!! i just walked into my shared staff bathroom and fully lifted my skirt as i walked in the door and the one chick (she’s new) in there just stared at me like i was lunatic as i abruptly dropped my skirt and hurried into a stall.

Gunty1 · 16 points · Posted at 12:44:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this so many times, and the zone (the radius in which the preparation starts) is getting bigger.....

NikkiBit · 5 points · Posted at 16:23:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I totally do this lol.

IcyMacaroon · 5 points · Posted at 07:45:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha your efficiency totally backfired on you looool

slippery-surprise · 2 points · Posted at 10:19:48 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guilty of this one.

I_Dont_Play_FIFA · 2 points · Posted at 23:45:14 on January 2, 2019 · (Permalink)

I always catch myself doing this. I wonder how many times someone has seen my dick because of this.

megalomaniacssister · 1 points · Posted at 20:14:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMFG!! I can't even imagine!

3i3o · 1 points · Posted at 20:23:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too

drcwc · 986 points · Posted at 23:55:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Not sure if this counts as auto pilot but I was about 14 at school, and we had this classmate who had down syndrome. He kept saying "suck my dick" and a bunch of us couldn't help but laugh.

When time came for our teacher to do the register, she called out my name. Instead of saying "here, miss", I said "suck my-" but managed to stop myself by slapping my hand over my mouth.

People started laughing and our teacher couldn't quite make out what I said, wondering why everyone was laughing. One girl saved my ass by telling the teacher that I accidentally said "here, mum" instead of "here, miss".

tldr: Classmate keeps saying suck my dick. So I nearly told my teacher to suck my dick. Girl saves my ass.

WickedRaccoon · 172 points · Posted at 08:34:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn what a saint

Diekjung · 158 points · Posted at 09:14:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That Girl deserves a medal.

[deleted] · 110 points · Posted at 17:54:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Zombie_Pigdragon · 47 points · Posted at 17:29:44 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

hol' up

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 17:12:51 on February 25, 2019 · (Permalink)

All I wanna do is suck my girlfriend's dick

Gotta buy a bigger bed cause my girlfriend's thick

I'll be sucking on my girlfriend's dick cause it tastes good

Hole in one, up in my mouth, like she's Tiger Woods

And my girl treats me right

so I suck that dick every fucking night

She my girl

She my fantasy

Mouth full of dick with the cup full of Hennessy

Crib Def in the place 'bout to go down

Girlfriend dick up in my face 'bout to chow down

Let me put on my bib like I'm at Red Lobster

Let me put you on the bed

And suck that monster

Cause my mouth don't play no games

Deep throat house shaken while I'm giving brain

Girlie quaking I'm taking

the stick up all the way

and when she 'bout to bust

I start lactating

Cause I was born a lady and my name was Sharon

Not important information

I just felt like sharin

Me and my girlie

Perfect Pairing

Cause I suck a mean dick it's just too bad she's married

SmallTownJerseyBoy · 54 points · Posted at 15:55:03 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Marry her.

urstupidFU · 6 points · Posted at 10:49:17 on January 16, 2019 · (Permalink)

Only time Ill allow child marriage. Obviously that girl is a ride or die. Cant let her exca.. I mean.. die alone...

[deleted] · 725 points · Posted at 00:29:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in college working full-time nights as a security guard and full time class.

Stopped at a red light, pushed my garage door opener and drove through.

Luckily there were no cars around.

PM_me_ur_cat_PAWS · 39 points · Posted at 07:05:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have been working nights for a year and I do stuff like this all the time. I honestly have no idea how I am still alive.

Delphizer · 32 points · Posted at 16:23:53 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me

:Pull up to intersection:

:See Cop:

:Carefully time my three seconds stop:

:Drive through what is a red light and not a stop sign:

Luckily it was late and the cop understood. People get dumb around cops.

jandtheholograms · 21 points · Posted at 22:02:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is one of the best. I could easily see myself something like that. I’ve already treated red lights like stop signs and stop signs like red lights.

FabianRo · 4 points · Posted at 11:27:26 on January 24, 2019 · (Permalink)

You should only drive on autopilot in cars that actually have one.

axladrian · 1384 points · Posted at 00:15:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my bluetooth headphones in the freezer to charge.

Wanted to go to work with the car, but forgot to turn the engine on. I stood there for 10 minutes trying to figure it out. A neighbour even came to help me and didn't see the problem.

DrugDealerforJesus · 210 points · Posted at 03:07:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that at a mechanic shop. For the record, was having an awful day that nothing was going right. Mechanic gave me the keys after the repairs. I unlocked the car, put the keys in the cupholder, and got so mad that my car couldn't get out of park. Went back in to the shop and started on about the car not working, something is wrong, what did yall do. The kind mechanic came out with me, asked me to start the car so he could see the problem. I looked at him, looked at the keys, looked at him, then just started laughing hysterically. The mechanic started laughing with me and it took nearly 10 minutes for us to calm down

[deleted] · 69 points · Posted at 06:04:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had stopped to ask a police officer something, when noticing him pulled over for something and he was just filling out e-paperwork on his laptop. Anyways, after his response i start to leave, and completely forget how to turn my motorcycle on. Keep pushing the ignition, not remembering, that i used the killswitch to turn it off. Then after like 30 seconds of it not working, i flipped the killswitch to on, and rode off. Good thing the cop didn't think i was drunk or high that day lol.

anoldquarryinnewark · 34 points · Posted at 05:54:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day my car wouldn't start--no ending grinding or lights or anything. Two other people looked at it and couldn't figure out the problem before the third noticed it wasn't in park.

[deleted] · 67 points · Posted at 02:38:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Neighbor - Did you tried turning it on? You - Of course... not. Didn't cross my mind. Thank you. Want to go out later today? Neighbor - I have a wife. You - I know baby it's me. Neighbor - I know...

They lived happily ever after.

emmmaroid · 38 points · Posted at 07:24:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you ok?

[deleted] · 26 points · Posted at 09:55:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't stain my carpet.

JenniferMcKay · 11 points · Posted at 12:55:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This makes me feel better about the time my grandpa asked me to move his pick up but I forgot to put it in gear. The number of times I revved the engine before I figured it out...

ChaoticRift · 3688 points · Posted at 00:37:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dog's favorite part of the day is dinner time. I pull out her food, she starts wagging and doing the tippy-taps, get a scoop of food, and instead of going to her bowl I dump the full scoop into the trash can. She then just looked at me with the saddest eyes and I felt terrible, so she got a little bit extra food and some pets.

[deleted] · 499 points · Posted at 03:57:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the first comment that I've genuinely laughed at. Poor pup hahaha. I can't.

milinhagd · 26 points · Posted at 10:38:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here 😂😂

InstigatedApprentice · 5 points · Posted at 14:24:04 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

You can't what

g_s_m · 138 points · Posted at 04:14:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, I can picture her poor little sad face

EloquentGrl · 96 points · Posted at 07:16:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awwwwwww! My dog gets boiled chicken in his dry food - my mom spoiled him like that when she was alive, and he won't eat his food any other way. Today, I realized I ran out of chicken the night before and started to boil the chicken. I picked up the dog bowl to wash it, and he was looking at me expectantly, licking his lips, and I didn't have any food ready for another twenty minutes! I felt so bad!

AshlynSilverstream · 91 points · Posted at 05:40:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ultimate power move.

RuneblowEX · -3 points · Posted at 12:03:58 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMFG LMAO

[deleted] · 40 points · Posted at 19:20:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dog taps her food bowl with her paw to let me know 'food goes here'. A couple of times she's tapped her water bowl instead. So I obliged her & dumped her dinner into her full water bowl instead. And then realized I had just ruined her food because I was just following orders.

[deleted] · 33 points · Posted at 08:27:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If a dog was in malcolm in the middle I could see the dad doing this.

kharmatika · 13 points · Posted at 17:16:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s so real. Hal was such a great character, especially as someone with mental illness he was so great to watch his very realistic portrayal of it.

sharkattax · 10 points · Posted at 18:17:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why do I not remember Hal having a mental illness...? Help!

banditkeithwork · 12 points · Posted at 19:36:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

he was obsessive compulsive, among other things. had a whole set of encyclopedias where he filled in the voids in all the letters like o, a, b, etc in the books them

kharmatika · 10 points · Posted at 21:04:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

See I head cannoned him as autistic. He had a fierce need for routine, heavy, intense interests in esoteric topics, and the way he described to the aspy kid why he did the encyclopedia thing reads as classic self-stimulation. I’m a tapper and it hit home so hard.

sharkattax · 6 points · Posted at 19:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks!! It’s so strange that I don’t remember this! I even rewatched the series several years ago.

ChaoticRift · 9 points · Posted at 08:28:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why can I picture that so perfectly?

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 08:29:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ikr! Lol I can even imagine his face and then the cut to a overflowing bowl as he pats its head.

AaronVsMusic · 25 points · Posted at 07:40:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is so tragic lol

Jabbypappy · 25 points · Posted at 10:54:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LOL.

I imagined you staring into her soul as you slowly dumped the food into the trash can. The ultimate power move.

I couldn’t breathe for a good 20 seconds haven’t had a good laugh like this in awhile haha this comment is underrated. This is the best one here seriously

Tiduszk · 15 points · Posted at 10:49:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the same thing except pouring the food directly into the water dish instead. Several times.

[deleted] · 19 points · Posted at 08:28:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

cubiecube · 32 points · Posted at 11:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

also known as petpets

kharmatika · 16 points · Posted at 17:17:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah I see you are also a gentleman and neopets player.

zdakat · 2 points · Posted at 08:45:31 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually completely forgot about the neopets petpet thing

Little_Mel · 8 points · Posted at 07:12:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

):

msf2115 · 4 points · Posted at 12:15:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice power move.

dookie_cookie · 5 points · Posted at 12:31:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is truly heartbreaking to read.

EDIT: Words

whoknewknewwho · 5 points · Posted at 10:32:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favourite one on this post by far. I can just imagine the situation.

PuggleWuggle85 · 5 points · Posted at 00:22:03 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tippy-taps

zdakat · 3 points · Posted at 08:38:23 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

"you want this? You want this? Too bad"

blondechcky · 2 points · Posted at 16:19:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg i almost choked on my taco 🤣

Hiazi · 2 points · Posted at 17:20:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i can't breathe

AlterEgoCat · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:47 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm going to do this in the morning

ktarzwell · 1 points · Posted at 23:50:13 on January 23, 2019 · (Permalink)

I did something similar with a giant cup of water.
Back in high school i had a friend over and it happened to be a damn hot summer day, so she asks for the biggest glass of water we have. So I go to the fridge and add the ice and then water while we are chatting. Totally forget what im doing and the water over flows from the cup, so my instinct was to dump the whole friggen glass down the sink. 😂

Etchisketchistan · 420 points · Posted at 22:52:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at the airport, and got used to yelling the word 'Next please!' a lot. One week, I was working really long shifts, and was pretty tired. I decided to stop at McDonalds on my way home from work and went through the drive through. When I stopped to tell them my order, I yelled 'NEXT PLEASE!' into the speaker.

CFOF · 30 points · Posted at 01:14:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm working out on my elliptical. Almost fell off of it laughing. You are awesome!

SpyMustachio · 5 points · Posted at 21:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You mean people actually use their ellipticals to exercise instead of a fancy towel holder?!

CFOF · 5 points · Posted at 18:16:59 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup,lol. I have mine in the garage. Here in Texas it's much cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter than walking outside. I raise money for cancer research by getting pledges for miles walked. This year I've walked 1250 miles. 5 years ago I injured my foot, was bedridden for a year. Every step is a gift😀

fibonaccicolours · 10 points · Posted at 03:50:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's for the church, honey!

IcyMacaroon · 6 points · Posted at 07:42:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm dying lmao I wish I was there to see the reaction from the McDonald staff lmaoaoaoaa

[deleted] · 4340 points · Posted at 22:54:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up. Automatically got out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, packed up my backpack, headed out of my dorm, happened to glance at the clock in the lounge.

It was 1:30 am.

[deleted] · 317 points · Posted at 05:44:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dark mornings suck

laituri24 · 85 points · Posted at 12:18:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude I live in Finland and rn when I wake up for school its dark and when I leave school (usually at 3PM) its dark. Atleast in the summer we have a week that on the sun goes down for like 3 hours max.

Sonjicak · 8 points · Posted at 05:16:39 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm in Kokkola, I feel you. Lately it's been so cloudy too so even during the day I haven't seen the sun for a while. Hyvää joulua!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:30:15 on December 29, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't wrap my mind around this, I live on the tropics and for a big part of my life I thought people were exaggerating when they said there were places on Earth where the sun sets at 4PM.

zdakat · 4 points · Posted at 08:47:40 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's weird on the days of the year leaving home at 5:30 or 6 and it's dark and then getting home at 5pm and it's dark already

Arandmoor · 199 points · Posted at 02:47:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that.

Stayed up too late for whatever reason. Went to class as normal, took notes and all that. Got back to my dorm and took a nap before dinner.

Woke up, saw the clock and thought "OH SHIT! 7? I'VE GOT CLASS AT 8!"

Figured out in the shower that it was 7 PM not 7 AM.

ThePsychoKnot · 160 points · Posted at 08:21:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had the oppsite happen once when I was in high school. After a video game and soda fueled all-nighter, I passed out at 5 pm the next day.

I woke up and the clock showed that it was just past 7:00. Satisfied with my two hour nap, I lazily picked up my phone to watch videos or something. I then realized that it was actually 7 AM and I had slept for 14 hours, in what felt like the blink of an eye.

That was a very frantic 15 minutes before my bus arrived.

LolSumor · 101 points · Posted at 10:37:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is why 24h-time is superior to 12h-time.

TeamValorGER · 41 points · Posted at 10:50:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

only America problems

[deleted] · 35 points · Posted at 13:07:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This meme was made by the metre litre kilogram squad

ben_g0 · 13 points · Posted at 16:31:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OH SHIT! 7? I'VE GOT CLASS AT 8!

An hour early? When I have class at 8 I usually get out of bed at 7:45. Sleep is precious. Showering can happen in the evening.

MintberryCruuuunch · 50 points · Posted at 09:41:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up. Got dressed and packed for work. Took an hour bus ride to work, with 2 transfers. Go to my office, put my food in the fridge. Said hello to some strangers. Walked across the parking lot to my work facility. Changed into scrubs, said hello to some strangers walk to the lab for the morning meeting, notice a different MoD that works different days I ask "what are you doing here, is so and so not working?".
Manager: oh are you helping out today? my Brain:thats weird, something is happening. Me: Oh, no, seems like A crew is here. Manager: Yeah, its A crew today. my brain: Did I just come in on my day off? Me: Did I just come in on my day off? Manager: Haha, no, but me could use the help My brain: Fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuck i could be sleeping right now, and now I have to take a bus back.

Fastforward, I hop on a bus and go 10 minutes hour in the wrong direction. Catch one like 45 minutes later to finally go the right direction, go right past my work again and finally get home over another hour later.

The whole ordeal took like 6 hours of my day.

newenglandredshirt · 53 points · Posted at 10:44:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You may as well have stayed at work and gotten paid for it!

[deleted] · 19 points · Posted at 09:36:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's no possibility of me ever doing this because I check the clock obsessively the whole time I'm getting ready.

Blah2003 · 18 points · Posted at 08:11:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good thing you checked the clock. Where I live 7 AM looks pretty much the same outside as midnight.

Rednartso · 7 points · Posted at 08:15:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have an alarm that goes off at the same time every day to help me keep my sleep schedule. I've woken up, got ready and been halfway to work on a saturday more than a couple times.

no_face1 · 7 points · Posted at 12:39:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same happened to me, i was getting ready to school at 2 am, i would literally go there if my grandma wouldnt go and see who is making this mess at 2 am 😂😂 I couldnt fall asleep after that and in the morning i found out i have a fever

Midan71 · 4 points · Posted at 10:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this when I was in school, woke up, got something to eat and hoped in the shower ready to go to school. My brother then comes in and ask why i'm showering so early. Turn out it was sunday. Me, feeling embarrassed, tried to played it off like I was just taking a early morning shower and that I was totally aware it wasn't a school day.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 13:16:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the exact same in a rush to get to school as a kid. I came downstairs in my hastily put together uniform to my parents in the living room. I was confused they weren't dressed up.

It was Saturday.

Overhead-Albatross · 3 points · Posted at 10:38:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this when I was younger with a morning paper round. I got up, dressed and got my coat on and was looking for the keys for the garage to get my bike out when my dad saw me. It was also about 1am.

altpornyurt · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this two days ago but at like 3:40 am. It was finals week though so I gave myself a pass.

Chazykins · 2 points · Posted at 10:26:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plot twist OP works that early and this was a normal day for them.

GeekMcLeod · 2 points · Posted at 11:10:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar once. Woke up, in the middle of the night apparently, jumped outta bed, took a morning whiz,got dressed for work. Only to finally look at my phone and realize I still get 5 hours more of sleep.

SBaL88 · 2 points · Posted at 18:50:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done the same, except I never looked at any clock untill I was in my car just outside of my old workplace, contemplating why all the lights were off, and the carpark was so empty.

ZaneJulien · 3 points · Posted at 08:56:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You get dressed before brushing your teeth?

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 13:46:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why not?

ZaneJulien · 9 points · Posted at 14:27:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Greater chance to get wet/toothpaste on your clothes for the day

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 14:46:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

HoppouChan · 6 points · Posted at 16:32:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or if you like to blank out while letting water in the shower fill your mouth and run off the sides

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:25:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol meta

lerrigatto · 1 points · Posted at 10:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RAGE

Kanosora · 1 points · Posted at 11:59:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

done this before defo

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did you not feel drowsy?

Spearzus · 1 points · Posted at 20:11:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has happened so many times to me too lmao

vivaldi85 · 1 points · Posted at 20:16:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And you wondered whether you had woken up in a different universe

rodinj · 1 points · Posted at 22:47:03 on January 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

I'v done that more often than I'm willing to admit...

KrombopulosPhillip · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:53 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

I hate when i'm 6 hours late for night school , no point going for the last hour

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:27 on February 20, 2019 · (Permalink)

I did this back when it was dark when i headed in and left at night from work, i got to work and the front desk told me: "hey? Its 1 am".

PineappleArts · 406 points · Posted at 23:17:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to zoom in on a paper when I wanted to fix a tiny detail in my drawing.

I was very tired mind you, but that was still sort of funny to me because I did it like four to five times before realizing "wait this isn't my phone".

Lientjuh · 14 points · Posted at 00:43:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, on a similar note Ive tried to do that to a paper book.

CrazyCatLushie · 18 points · Posted at 00:51:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this on paper too. I’m visually impaired and used to double-tapping my phone with three fingers to zoom in. Turns out it doesn’t work in real life!

aptharsia · 5 points · Posted at 21:53:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kindle will allow you to hold on a word for its definition. The number of times I've done that to a real book is stupid.

BlueRocketMouse · 14 points · Posted at 02:43:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, I can't even count the number of times I've tried to use ctrl + z on a paper drawing. And then there's scenario: "I've made pretty good progress, I should save! Wait, why can't I save? ...Oh. Right."

fermatagirl · 9 points · Posted at 03:17:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hmm, I should save before this final in case I mess up. How do I save - Oh yeah. "

Nyltiak23 · 4 points · Posted at 03:52:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to "scroll" an article I printed out

HoanillaBean · 6 points · Posted at 07:12:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often found myself trying to Ctrl+Z when drawing in my sketchbook after having spent time drawing digitally.

Kangaroodle · 1 points · Posted at 10:45:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the opposite. When making digital art, I often flip my pen to try and erase a mistake (my pen doesn’t have an eraser) since I’m way more used to traditional media.

Barbara1182 · 4 points · Posted at 05:16:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once turned around to my right hand side to look for my trash can as if it was on my monitor! (It wasn’t)

tatzecom · 2 points · Posted at 09:36:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh damn, this reminds me

After summer break I was back in classes as usual and since I only wrote in the PC during the summer, I immediately tried to go CTRL+Z when I spelled something wrong.

Another time I was unsure how to write a word so I just wrote what I thought was right and waited for the autocorrection to do its thing.

KindlyKangaroo · 3 points · Posted at 06:45:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have done this muuultiple times while reading magazines in the waiting room before therapy. A big family walked in and they were being very loud, and then someone struck up a conversation on the other side of me and they were hard of hearing so they were also loud, and my brain shorted out. Nothing against any of them, that's just how public spaces are sometimes, but I jumped up and practically ran out of the room when my therapist came to get me and thanked her profusely for getting me somewhere quieter haha. Still kept my shame about the magazines to myself though

Anonymously2018 · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this on my CAD prints... In front of the head of department of our college...

eekamuse · 1 points · Posted at 16:01:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever watched a toddler with a magazine? They get so frustrated when they can't click on the images. Soon little ones, soon.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 19:03:34 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

How’s about a toddler trying to play a GameBoy and having 0 concept of a non-touch screen?

https://twitter.com/gamaniak/status/1075799561946497026

SavageJeph · 2832 points · Posted at 22:34:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go to check the mail, grab the keys, oh yeah! there is garbage/recycling that needs to go out, I stop at mailbox, I get mail, throw away the garbage, throw away the mail, throw away my keys...
Neighbor asks if I am going to need those, I just kind of stop, look around a bit and say "Well, yeah, probably"

exclamation11 · 196 points · Posted at 00:07:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laugh-sputtered at this. Sorry.

kristykrab · 139 points · Posted at 01:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This whole page has me laugh-crying-coughing, all at the same time.

Mysteryagent831 · 14 points · Posted at 04:58:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too lol

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 12:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me three.

Xythoces · 85 points · Posted at 01:43:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am absolutely terrified of doing this. Especially at work; I remove items from packaging then on my way to the trashcan, I constantly repeat to myself "left hand trash, right hand keep".

jinantonyx · 51 points · Posted at 03:55:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A coworker told me a story about how he cleaned out his car, then walked over to a dumpster and tossed his keys in instead of the bag of trash.

I never had a problem until I heard that story. Now anytime I go anywhere near a trash can with keys in my hand, I have to put my finger through the keyring so I don't accidentally throw it away.

FaithCPR · 43 points · Posted at 04:00:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god it's contagious

jinantonyx · 17 points · Posted at 07:18:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now you have it, too.

ionlypostdrunkaf · 7 points · Posted at 10:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just put the keys in my pocket.

rogoth7 · 11 points · Posted at 12:08:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

doesn't work if you throw your pocket in too though

[deleted] · 39 points · Posted at 04:14:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once my 3D printer was messed up and I was working on it/snacking at the same time. I stood over the trash can eating and holding the smallest Allen wrench I was using in my other hand. I swear to God that before I was even done opening my hand I started to say "oh noooooooo", realizing my mistake. Too late. I spent at least 15 minutes rummaging through wet garbage.

DaughterEarth · 34 points · Posted at 08:47:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I swear sometimes the awareness part of your brain catches things before you're able to turn it to action. So many times I've said "oops" then proceeded with whatever dumb thing it was anyways.

imcrazy987 · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:33 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me everyday

SavageJeph · 6 points · Posted at 04:27:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha that's wondeful.

TrueRusher · 29 points · Posted at 05:45:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was at an art show at my school for extra credit. There was cake or something and I threw away my plate.

Five minutes later, I realize I can’t find my phone.

Yep. I threw my brand new iPhone 7 into a trash can full of cake. Got it back though.

VikingurThane · 18 points · Posted at 03:38:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done similar. I was leaving the apartment and took a poopy diaperbag my car keys and proceeded throwing my car keys down the trash chute and strutting with the bag to my car Took me a few minutes.

k2on0s · 5 points · Posted at 14:58:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done the throwing the keys away and trying to put the garbage in my pocket

SockPants · 4 points · Posted at 19:34:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha shit I'm so afraid I'm going to do this at some point, because outside my apartment we have big underground trash facilities where I wouldn't be able to get the stuff back...

SavageJeph · 3 points · Posted at 19:35:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We can only pray you do not become the architect of your own downfall, and overthink something so much you end up doing it because its the only way to stop thinking about the thing you should not be doing.

tonicrock · 2 points · Posted at 01:18:14 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many times have I thrown away my keys, or cell phone, or full jug of milk.

zdakat · 2 points · Posted at 08:33:25 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

The scene and exchange Sounds like something that could happen in a comedy movie haha

SpaghettSpanker · 1 points · Posted at 12:09:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was their response?

SavageJeph · 1 points · Posted at 14:43:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She kind of nodded, then went back to picking up her dogs poo.

zerophyll · 1 points · Posted at 22:22:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who can say, really

Tink_650 · 26856 points · Posted at 23:10:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m an ex-bus driver and many times on my way home from work, I would go to pull into a bus stop, in my car...

micalina1 · 6733 points · Posted at 02:35:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's awesome. Do you ever start driving your route by accident?

Tink_650 · 7440 points · Posted at 06:22:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, I have done that too.

[deleted] · 483 points · Posted at 07:42:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What about, when family or friends get in your car, you ask them to pay?

Tink_650 · 1009 points · Posted at 08:24:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They should pay.

djrdog578 · 219 points · Posted at 08:42:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where do I scan my phone?

Tink_650 · 434 points · Posted at 08:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I accept PayPal and/or donuts.

tomerjm · 193 points · Posted at 08:48:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Ah, I see you're a man woman of culture.....

Tink_650 · 216 points · Posted at 08:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woman, but thank you.

sometimesIbroncos · 138 points · Posted at 08:50:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Psh men and women are basically the same animal right? Potato potato

NABODEH · 18 points · Posted at 08:54:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I describe myself as an apache helicopter.

ANmXeImEeTsY · 21 points · Posted at 08:56:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I describe myself as a specialized battle toaster

Tink_650 · 10 points · Posted at 08:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was actually my gender on Facebook (which I have left in favour of reddit). It’s so nice to meet another apache helicopter.

artishh · 6 points · Posted at 09:06:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I too, have long identified as an Apache helicopter. Great to find you both here

TheChosenWong · 3 points · Posted at 15:28:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did u say potato twice? If you meant the common phrase, it's "potato potato"

zploink · 1 points · Posted at 09:22:59 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read those 2 and imagined it being said 2 different ways in my head.. the world has become a scary place

AlterEgoCat · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:06 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

When first read that, I read it the same way.

KrombopulosPhillip · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:57 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

Hey that potato has a hole in it , i want a refund

johnny_riko · 75 points · Posted at 09:28:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for your service.

tomerjm · 20 points · Posted at 08:55:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sorry...

Tink_650 · 6 points · Posted at 08:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s quite alright lol.

l337joejoe · 10 points · Posted at 13:22:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're awesome and funny

CSKING444 · 54 points · Posted at 08:48:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll do one better, I'd pay you with exposure

woppertus · 33 points · Posted at 08:53:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
TheUnruleySwordsman · 16 points · Posted at 09:10:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't tell if you were woosh'ed or I was...

woppertus · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I Got it don’t worry (;

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:08:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
NikBayHello · 1 points · Posted at 17:17:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

we all wooshed

G_l0w · 8 points · Posted at 11:59:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do they gotta thank u too?

Randomperson3029 · 1 points · Posted at 11:18:25 on December 29, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let's hope where you are it isn't illegal to be an unlicensed taxi then lol

milkymoocowmoo · 27 points · Posted at 11:14:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

'You kept making all the stops?!'

'WELL PEOPLE KEPT RINGING THE BELL!'

thelonestrangler · 47 points · Posted at 07:12:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

.

939319 · 23 points · Posted at 10:11:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Beats driving your bus home?

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 12:54:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Random people jumping in your 4 door.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 14:49:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My work moved offices and I knew at some point I’d end up taking my old route. Maybe a month in I finally did. Just thought “I told me so.”

stabby_joe · 5 points · Posted at 13:43:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever accidentally driven to a bus stop and had someone waiting there and give them a lift to their destination?

xdrvgy · 3 points · Posted at 12:43:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, that's cute. Like, responsibility is responsibility.

t_a_6847646847646476 · 1 points · Posted at 21:53:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever tried to signal with your foot (assuming you are American or Canadian)?

TalisFletcher · 97 points · Posted at 08:03:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read a story on here about a bus driver who drove home in his bus while he still had passengers.

MaxMouseOCX · 37 points · Posted at 08:35:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my town the bus drivers won a lottery syndicate, some of them got the message while in their bus, got up, and just left the bus full of people in the middle of the road lol

Tink_650 · 23 points · Posted at 08:38:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you in the UK? There was something very similar that happened here. No one turned in for work at the bus garage the next day. Can’t say I blame them, it’s a horrific job.

MaxMouseOCX · 12 points · Posted at 09:06:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yea, central England.

Crassdrubal · 2 points · Posted at 09:25:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
shouldve_wouldhave · 21 points · Posted at 08:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow and noone said anything when he drove offroute or was his house on the way?

TalisFletcher · 24 points · Posted at 08:28:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know that, actually. I think they mentioned it. If anyone has the story, I'm sure we'd appreciate the lonk.

jackspadicymeme · 20 points · Posted at 08:34:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lonk

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 09:21:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

PULL THE KREVER LONK.

Flash_ZA · 2 points · Posted at 09:32:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww... Childhood vibes ☺️

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 08:46:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not this again.

OnTheSideoftheShirt · 3 points · Posted at 09:59:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes this again

GiddyGiraffes · 10 points · Posted at 09:24:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was probably in the UK and no one wanted to upset the bus driver

roy107 · 5 points · Posted at 11:46:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never been a bus driver. But sometimes I drive a bus route in my car just for the hell of it.

luke_in_the_sky · 2 points · Posted at 14:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not a bus driver, but I drove to my work on weekends several times.

billdred94 · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:05 on January 12, 2019 · (Permalink)

I've often done the opposite of this in the work van, I've got on and because I'm just the relief drive I'm rarely driving so I've started heading straight home. In the van.

clairefbonilla · 126 points · Posted at 03:44:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep! I feel you! Ex over-the-road trucker here and pulling into a scale in a personal vehicle will get plenty of stares and a few laughs to boot! It is a great way to be reminded not to take yourself so seriously.

riyadhelalami · 7 points · Posted at 16:41:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The best advice I have ever taken is not to take one's self seriously. It just makes life orders of magnitude easier.

IvyGold · 104 points · Posted at 08:49:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lewis Hamilton, the world champion F1 driver, once drove into the McLaren pit stop. The problem was that he was not racing for McLaren, but his new team, Mercedes.

Video proof:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iw7fcxZZt9E

Draeg82 · 19 points · Posted at 09:30:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember watching that.it was brilliant.

kingvolcano · 9 points · Posted at 09:23:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bless

hitztasyj · 64 points · Posted at 03:00:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took the bus exclusively for several years. When I finally bought a car and started driving home from work, I found myself wanting to pull over at all the bus stops on the way.

shouldve_wouldhave · 21 points · Posted at 08:22:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude pick one person up along the way just for shits and giggles

mads-80 · 31 points · Posted at 08:24:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on a bus once where the driver got on the wrong exit and into a tunnel, taking 15 minutes to get back to the route, because it was the exit she would normally take when driving that way home.

LuckyHappens · 22 points · Posted at 11:05:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

At age 21 would sometimes walk to work because it was only a mile away, one morning a yellow school bus randomly stopped, opened the doors and the driver motioned for me to get on. It was a bus for middle school children, I had a beard and work boots on.

Edit: words

Buildintotrains · 31 points · Posted at 07:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As long as you remember to thank yourself afterwards

flintandroses · 26 points · Posted at 02:20:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good way to start a taxi service.

Old_man_at_heart · 14 points · Posted at 07:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dads a bus driver. He has the same urge to do so while off duty.

ActuallyRuben · 12 points · Posted at 09:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My bus driver once did the opposite and took a turn towards his own home (which was close). He almost got the bus stuck in a way too narrow road, and was barely able to back it up. The bus survived with a few scratches, and almost a broken rear window.

AnotherAltAcc1111 · 5 points · Posted at 12:30:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a truck driver that lives close to a motorway connection and have accidently took that exit too many times to count.

productiveslacker73 · 12 points · Posted at 16:57:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Fire engine driver.

Previous Engines had the swinging chain between Driver and Lieutenant, to pull the air horn. New pumpers don't have. Years later, I still reach for the (nonexisting) chain. [Now we have foot petals]. Sometimes when I reach for it, the other firefighters just yell out "Honk Honk!"

Edit: Thank you u/Tink_650 for the Silver. I will dedicate the next reach for the horn to you!

Tink_650 · 2 points · Posted at 16:58:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is excellent.

productiveslacker73 · 2 points · Posted at 17:32:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I initially read your post incorrectly. I read it like you "pulled" a door lever or chain as you drove by. Not your whole car...that is dang funny too.

My grandfather was retired bus driver (in Memphis), drove late 40s to late 70s. He told me some crazy stories.

mike_tython_thponge · 8 points · Posted at 08:20:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait you mean the bus isn’t your car?

AR53102 · 6 points · Posted at 08:13:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this. I've also driven half a bus route instead of going home in my car.

bsmilner · 7 points · Posted at 09:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you ever go on auto-pilot driving the bus and gone the completely wrong route, like driving to your house or whatever

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 21:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been there. Some routes will have "optional" endpoints, which only happen at certain times.

Our agency randomly assigned supervisors to ride along routes and check on the drivers habits. I was chatting with the supervisor and missed where I was supposed to stop my route short.

It was a little embarrassing, but nice to have someone spot me while I made a U turn on a side road.

bananas21 · 5 points · Posted at 09:24:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes in my car I forget I can lwgally thrn right on red, or I'll start stopping at railroad tracks, and try to open my nonexistant service door.. fun times

BepisBunkley · 5 points · Posted at 08:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever done that while someone is waiting for the bus?

Tink_650 · 11 points · Posted at 08:23:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was usually because someone was waiting for the bus.

yourmomsscrotum · 4 points · Posted at 09:30:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you.

Uhtred101 · 3 points · Posted at 09:53:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this aswell. My favourite is following the route when I'm driving the road. Made my way into a few schemes that I didn't need too

holden_madeeq · 3 points · Posted at 07:45:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ex bus driver? What do you do now?

Tink_650 · 16 points · Posted at 08:22:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m now a truck driver, because people. (I keep commenting in the wrong place! I’m new here lol)

silly_gaijin · 3 points · Posted at 13:51:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Say no more.

f_o_t_a_ · 3 points · Posted at 08:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That must've been pretty awkward for the people you normally pick up

Bass2015 · 3 points · Posted at 12:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a former bus driver. Each time this happened to me, a chip popped off of my will to live.

szasy · 3 points · Posted at 12:59:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha a bus driver once went the wrong way when I was the only one on the bus. He said 'sorry, I thought I was in the car going to to pick up my wife, this is the way to her work'. I enjoyed it :)

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:55:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Better than going home while driving the bus.

philipwhiuk · 2 points · Posted at 09:54:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can you pick us up next time 🤪

A911owner · 2 points · Posted at 10:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this so many times...especially when I have to go down the same roads to get home that are on my route...

mumbling_saint · 2 points · Posted at 12:37:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you

SirChoGath · 2 points · Posted at 12:45:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you work for Uber now?

Misophoniasucksdude · 2 points · Posted at 13:07:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm currently a bus driver and I do that and stop at railroad tracks in my car as well. I also force people to tell me what route/stop they're destination is at when I give them rides lmao

fr0896 · 2 points · Posted at 13:24:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know what it is about this comment but I read it as if you're a woman. Was weird to find out you actually are haha

Timminsv · 2 points · Posted at 00:32:28 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a shop on the ‘express’ register- before the automated call. Instead of saying thanks to the bus driver on my drive home I shouted “NEXT PLEASE” in his face as I was getting off the bus.

TrashPalaceKing · 2 points · Posted at 03:48:16 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my routes is the same way I come home from work, so I’m constantly in danger of accidentally bringing a bus load of people to my house!

ClavasClub · 2 points · Posted at 11:46:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dunno why, but that's wholesome

jellobend · 1 points · Posted at 09:31:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you ever go home with the bus, instead of the car?

oxymoronic_oxygen · 1 points · Posted at 10:21:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks for this :)

cryptocat86 · 1 points · Posted at 10:40:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha Ha Same here.....

keikee · 1 points · Posted at 12:19:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha that is so funny! Thank you fot sharing!

The_unchosen-one · 1 points · Posted at 13:05:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine used to work in transfers. He once went home and parked the van in front of his house, and that was when we realized there were still clients in the van. He was not supposed to go home yet.

serjsomi · 1 points · Posted at 15:15:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes stop at railroad stops in my car.

PARKOUR_ZOMBlE · 1 points · Posted at 15:17:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad was s bus driver and he’d always take turns sooooooo wide. In his ford escort.

Centraa · 1 points · Posted at 16:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you bus driver.

elthepenguin · 1 points · Posted at 17:29:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends father was a trolleybus driver. My friend told me that they regularly drove under the wires even when in a car.

kanade--chan · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:51 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

don't worry, i've heard that from many busdrivers. Seems to be normal.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:34:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is epic😂

no_reviews · -2 points · Posted at 07:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Top jimmery

[deleted] · -27 points · Posted at 08:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[removed]

Tink_650 · 12 points · Posted at 08:59:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How exactly is this fake?

Burner_Inserter · 8 points · Posted at 09:46:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s a troll account. Report and move on.

Tink_650 · 5 points · Posted at 09:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok, thanks.

[deleted] · -10 points · Posted at 11:24:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[removed]

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 13:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wtf

iamambience · 1011 points · Posted at 00:38:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying goodbye to my aunt at her husbands funeral, and accidentally said "yeah it was fun", when she said thanks for coming.

gringrant · 96 points · Posted at 07:08:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah it was fun...eral.

brazywavy · 44 points · Posted at 06:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yikes

BatteredRose92 · 42 points · Posted at 08:21:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The secondhand cringe from this one is so real.

jacyerickson · 35 points · Posted at 19:01:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh. I did something like this at a funeral. I was asked to come to the meal service after the lowering of the casket (which I wasn't attending because only the deceased wife and children were attending.) Instead of saying that I had to get to work I accidentally said "Oh, I'm sorry I can't. Maybe next time." I got to my car and realized what an idiot I was. :/ I'm not the person you want around in a crises, that's for sure.

EmmaLemming · 23 points · Posted at 11:14:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."

LucidOutwork · 19 points · Posted at 23:41:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my dad's funeral my cousin asked me, "Why so glum?" She felt so stupid after she realized what she said that I still feel bad for her for saying it.

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 21:22:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my cousin's husband passed away I almost asked her where he was while we were at the repass. Thankfully I caught myself just time

zdakat · 10 points · Posted at 19:52:11 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

"hey this is a pretty big event. Where's your h- andbag? There it is heh"

DespacitoMan911 · 9 points · Posted at 22:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Restoration 100

lolkdrgmailcom · 2 points · Posted at 21:32:22 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

I laughed at this dead end joke

Nobody_Likes_Shy_Guy · 9001 points · Posted at 22:56:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my phone under a faucet to fill up my water bottle.

I recognized my mistake.

And then I did it again

SGTree · 222 points · Posted at 04:38:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recognized my mistake

And then I did it again

Humanity in a nutshell

HelloIAmAStoner · 59 points · Posted at 06:33:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

C-c-c-c-climate change!

DraketheDrakeist · 6 points · Posted at 21:35:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

War

zdakat · 2 points · Posted at 08:32:15 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who
What is it good for?

jasonisnuts · 11 points · Posted at 15:52:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brexit

Dr_Movado · 145 points · Posted at 01:07:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know, I read this once and it made sense. Then I read it again and realized I am a dumbass.

DrHaggans · 31 points · Posted at 06:25:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am I missing something?

HelloIAmAStoner · 49 points · Posted at 06:33:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They read it on autopilot at first. The thing you might be missing is that the OP makes no sense.

Dr_Movado · 8 points · Posted at 10:31:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me write bad

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 14:05:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the exact same thing fellow simulation clone!

Dr_Movado · 3 points · Posted at 18:10:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Twinning!

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:35 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just like the simulations

Xxshianne · 73 points · Posted at 00:24:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one’s my favourite

[deleted] · 26 points · Posted at 01:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you able to fix your phone afterwards?

Nobody_Likes_Shy_Guy · 52 points · Posted at 01:27:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It had a case on it so I was fine. But there were people around too

dollarztodonutz · 6 points · Posted at 18:57:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you put your water bottle in rice?

Nobody_Likes_Shy_Guy · 39 points · Posted at 01:26:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It had a case on it so I was fine. But there were people around too

never_esc_the_sand · 50 points · Posted at 05:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You posted and then posted again. I'm sensing a pattern here.

Murdock92188 · 18 points · Posted at 06:21:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe OCD?

HelloIAmAStoner · 16 points · Posted at 06:34:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clearly (s)he's not the only one.

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 06:47:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I see what you did there.

Murdock92188 · 14 points · Posted at 06:21:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe OCD?

HelloIAmAStoner · 15 points · Posted at 06:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clearly (s)he's not the only one.

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 06:42:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I see what you did there.

manwhocantbebothered · 3 points · Posted at 14:07:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is my app glitching or are you just screwing with mobile users with outdated reddit apps

TheBreadSmellsFine · 5 points · Posted at 14:33:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

TheBreadSmellsFine · 4 points · Posted at 14:33:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

ApricotPenguin · 19 points · Posted at 04:24:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let me guess, you instinctively wanted to wash off hte water after you put realized you put your phone under the faucet?

P0sitive_Outlook · 15 points · Posted at 03:41:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened a bottle of OJ, opened a can of Pringles, ate some Pringles and tried screwing the cup back on top of the OJ bottle with the lid still in my hand.

The_bottom_KeK · 10 points · Posted at 09:53:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your brain: Wanna see me do it again?

slater124 · 10 points · Posted at 12:10:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waterproof phone #2018

Thank God, right?

iamthepixie · 5 points · Posted at 05:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m giggling pretty damn hard right now

Sombra95 · 10 points · Posted at 05:45:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had something similar happen. My phone was sticky, so I wanted to rinse it off. My brain knew to use a wet washcloth or something, my body decided to hold it under running water and scrub...

chennyalan · 5 points · Posted at 06:13:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And then I did it again

This bit is what got me

Hqck · 6 points · Posted at 06:35:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you first made the mistake I was all like “oof that’s rough”

Then when you did it again I started laughing hysterically

CFOF · 4 points · Posted at 01:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's awesome! I'm feeling so much better about myself!

Dustyasscowgirl · 3 points · Posted at 05:25:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh dear that’s an expensive mistake! I once tried to refill a water bottle from a much larger container while in a moving vehicle and watched the water fill for too long and soaked my pants and seat for the rest of the car ride

BleedingInTheBlur · 3 points · Posted at 06:47:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Monday’s a hell of a drug.

McLaRenalonso · 3 points · Posted at 06:59:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found the non-mobile user

xdrvgy · 3 points · Posted at 12:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like, take a candy out of a wrapper and throw the candy in trash, leaving you with the wrapper.

_derpiii_ · 2 points · Posted at 06:40:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't get it?

banstack · 2 points · Posted at 12:09:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

George. No karma farming. Bad.

Nobody_Likes_Shy_Guy · 1 points · Posted at 16:45:35 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

You bought discord nitro

banstack · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:32 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

you missed out on free nitro ig

ReceivePoetry · 1 points · Posted at 11:58:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like Homer and the toaster. "Daaaad, your hand's in the toaster again!!!"

jamiefoprez · 1 points · Posted at 17:13:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY??

Alarming_cat · 1 points · Posted at 20:55:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandpa destroyed two phones in two days. First one: Had it in his pocket, when out fishing. I can’t really remember what he did but he did fall in the water. Went into town to buy a new phone the same day. Bought the same model. Next day: He actually put a plastic bag over the phone when he was out fishing. He comes back. Takes the phone out of the bag. Decide to do some maintenance to our bathing spot, picking up some sharp rocks where we enter. With his phone in his pocket. Waist deep water... I’m gonna laugh at that one forever.

Nickzet · 1 points · Posted at 16:43:40 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boooooo

Nobody_Likes_Shy_Guy · 1 points · Posted at 18:45:58 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wacist

Sarelia1 · -8 points · Posted at 06:10:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This

clichebot9000 · 24 points · Posted at 06:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit cliché noticed: This

Phrase noticed: 548 times.

EP13 · 4 points · Posted at 18:20:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good bot.

Sarelia1 · 2 points · Posted at 15:31:37 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I must find a way to defeat the bot

Portarossa · 14628 points · Posted at 00:10:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was feeling an encroaching sickness coming upon me one time, so I decided to be proactive and make myself a couple of days' worth of the most baller chicken soup I could manage in advance, so I'd be able to eat well even when I was dying of the lurgy. I chopped the carrots, I sorted the onions, I stewed the chicken bones, and I cooked that motherfucker down for eight hours into the most delicious stock you could imagine.

Then I poured it all through a colander into the sink.

BillyBumBrain · 1378 points · Posted at 02:35:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but years ago my friend was making gravy for his meal. It had turned a bit lumpy in the saucepan, and he had the brilliant idea to just strain the lumps out. So he holds a strainer over the sink drain and pours the gravy through.

“Great job” he thinks, very pleased with himself because of how he had caught all the nasty lumps so effectively.

Then it slowly dawned on him that his gravy was all down the sink, and he was holding a strainer full of gravy lumps.

[deleted] · 23 points · Posted at 14:28:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude, I just did this EXACT thing last week. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

OJs_knife · 17 points · Posted at 15:02:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that once the first time I made chicken stock. 2 1/2 hours of stove time literally down the drain.

Magridaaa · 2 points · Posted at 03:11:27 on May 31, 2019 · (Permalink)

This is painful but something my dumbass would do

erial_ck · 7025 points · Posted at 00:57:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one hurts to read.

[deleted] · 51 points · Posted at 08:07:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've read this exact exchange before...

muricabrb · 39 points · Posted at 08:34:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you from the future?

CSKING444 · 26 points · Posted at 09:20:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No but your comment is from the past

imissbrendanfraser · 4 points · Posted at 10:15:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was my first thought

Portarossa · 4 points · Posted at 11:23:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've told the story before, but it's not a copy-paste deal.

Hey, I'm not averse to dining out on story more than once.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:26:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, sorry. I just wanted to make sure it was you. Some people will just repost a story from someone else the next time that ask Reddit prompt appears because it got a lot of karma last time.

Archie19 · 1 points · Posted at 09:57:09 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years ago I saw it as a meme on /r/AdviceAnimals.

GoochMasterFlash · 27 points · Posted at 09:23:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The key is to undercook the onions

Sanatanadharma666 · 2 points · Posted at 10:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
stagnantmagic · 6 points · Posted at 09:54:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

seriously, i love home made chicken soup and mega winced reading this

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 10:46:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mostly because I knew what was coming... Because I've done it.

Beliriel · 3 points · Posted at 10:33:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bet his first reaction was "huh wasn't there soup? Something has to be wrong..."

LadyKingsella · 146 points · Posted at 01:17:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Noooooooo

Disc0_Stu · 42 points · Posted at 02:41:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every other one has made me laugh, this just made me sad.

Wrath7heFurious · 10 points · Posted at 05:06:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed. But this one is just painful

marigoldsnthesun · 110 points · Posted at 02:11:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once after taking a few hits off my friend’s joint. It’s the only time I’ve ever smoked, because that night I was trying to make weed brownies and I cooked the butter- and poured it straight into the sink. Well, about a quarter of it before I realized what was happening lol. Then I spent an ENTIRE thirty minutes stirring the brownie mix. That night, all six of us slept together on one bed. My brother was jokingly speaking in tongues and it was the funniest thing I’d ever seen. Good times! I miss those guys.

ThePsychoKnot · 19 points · Posted at 08:24:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just made me very nostalgic for the first few months that I smoked weed. Good times man.

m1cro83hunt3r · 7 points · Posted at 10:09:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can relate but not exactly the same way. I made a delicious cream of mushroom soup in my 3 QT Instant Pot, then while trying to pour it into a container, I managed to drop the pot and pour Ed the soup all over my freestanding counter and down the back of it. So not only did I waste this lovely soup but I had to move my counter and clean up this gloopy mess. I never even got to eat a bowl. I’m still sad about it.

SalemsSalami · 4 points · Posted at 09:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I smoke for medical reasons and it's wild to me ppl have experiences like this! Haha

ahhhlexiseve · 68 points · Posted at 01:59:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is Kevin’s Chili painful.

DeepBreathing4Me · 24 points · Posted at 05:04:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was feeling an encroaching sickness coming upon me one time

Most people would just say "I felt like I was getting sick" or something, but I like your version better.

RebelScrum · 23 points · Posted at 04:27:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once. I actually cried.

Gaerdil · 21 points · Posted at 02:45:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God. I would just block this memory out because it would haunt me forever.

cebeezly82 · 20 points · Posted at 02:40:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol just did this with some baller potato soup that had.taken me 3 hrs to make a few days ago

P0sitive_Outlook · 18 points · Posted at 04:08:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god i've strained the lumps out of a mixture and ended up with a colander full of lumps and nothing else. :|

SnappyDragon61151 · 7 points · Posted at 09:10:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

u/BillyBumBrain

Is this your friend?

BillyBumBrain · 3 points · Posted at 12:13:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hard to tell. Matt is that you?

P0sitive_Outlook · 4 points · Posted at 13:44:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi, Matt doesn't own this phone anymore.

Iwasgunna · 16 points · Posted at 07:18:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making spaghetti, and went to drain the noodles and poured everything into the sink and then stared, trying to figure out what had happened. My housemate came over. "You usually put the colander in the sink first, don't you."

novemberaire · 14 points · Posted at 03:46:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am so sorry for your loss

Joe_1911 · 14 points · Posted at 04:15:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As I was reading this I was thinking "Where's he going with this?" Got to the end...Then I laughed like a psycho and woke up my sleeping baby.

roskov · 11 points · Posted at 03:26:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate saying that I have also done this. Thankfully I stopped part of the way. RIP your beautiful stock.

terminalvelocit3 · 9 points · Posted at 04:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Words cannot express the pain I feel from this

ysiii · 11 points · Posted at 04:53:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is a really common one on /r/cooking.

0penlyCanadian · 9 points · Posted at 04:29:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did this same thing last week. I was so devastated.

Eatapie5 · 8 points · Posted at 02:44:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhh so painful

Mrsneenjya · 7 points · Posted at 08:32:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At that point, you quit. You go to your mom's house, and you quit.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 09:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Portarossa · 2 points · Posted at 11:24:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, sorted: prepped, organised, et cetera.

vipros42 · 6 points · Posted at 08:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That hurts. I'm going to pretend that I don't think you mean sautéed when you write sorted the onions.

Portarossa · 3 points · Posted at 11:24:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn't, so you're good.

koopooky · 14 points · Posted at 04:38:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I enjoyed your story at 04:35 in bed next to my sleeping husband trying mightily to hold in my manic pyscho laughter. Jesus this is painful! I am sooo sorry about your lost 8+ hours and delicious chicken stock which never saw the light of day. Amen.

OboeMeister · 3 points · Posted at 04:31:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one hurt me

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 05:22:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have also done this. It’s a few seconds of shock, followed by sadness, topped off with the massive facepalm.

AmIbaconingyet · 3 points · Posted at 09:10:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done a similar thing. I was letting it simmer and took off the lid for a while wanting it to stew down a little and concentrate the flavours. Got it tasting amazing. Went to take a nap. Woke up several hours later to a burning pot of over stewed veg and chicken.

I'd forgotten to turn the hob off. It had all evaporated away!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:48:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey me too! I feel your pain.

hujibanation · 2 points · Posted at 05:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*dies inside*

AShadowinthedark · 2 points · Posted at 06:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost it at this one. Feels bad man

Bentrigger · 2 points · Posted at 07:19:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I so sorry but I am fucking dying 😂 this made my day several times over

Bradalax · 2 points · Posted at 09:33:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done something similar, making a big batch of Turkey and Leek pie filling. Part of it is straining the mix through a sieve, so the filling inst too liquid, and you get a wonderful source/gravy to use with the meal. Yep - strained it straight into the sink for some reason! :(

If anyone is interested its this recipe from Jamie Oliver and its bloody gorgeous!

SmilieSmith · 2 points · Posted at 11:58:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You have me in tears from laughing, but I feel so mean laughing at you.

nomnomnomnomRABIES · 2 points · Posted at 16:15:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the god of sinks bring you blessings for your sacrifice?

code_Synacks · 2 points · Posted at 04:48:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That almost made me cry...

pepcorn · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You poor soul.

Also, thank you for teaching me a new word (lurgy)

34Paws · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did the same thing with gravy a few Thanksgivings ago and now every time we make gravy my mom always brings it up.

sethdj · 1 points · Posted at 08:02:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG I would have cried.

GamrG33k · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG that's hilarious and sad!!

Kpt_Kipper · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sickness 1

Portarossa 0

RootVeggies · 1 points · Posted at 08:34:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done that. Painful, yet funny mistake!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:51:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, honey...

okayrightsickcool · 1 points · Posted at 08:51:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i cackled

Dave5876 · 1 points · Posted at 09:10:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My condolences.

dgtexan14 · 1 points · Posted at 09:14:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am never paying attention I sometimes put knives in my fridge. I understand this!

doppleron · 2 points · Posted at 16:43:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Baby? Is that you?

MintberryCruuuunch · 1 points · Posted at 09:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

done that. The immediate internal pain.

ToxicMeme14 · 1 points · Posted at 09:28:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sorry for your loss...

knewitfirst · 1 points · Posted at 09:44:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bro you was bout to die

sixseven89 · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you actually get sick though

TheZaeLoX · 1 points · Posted at 09:52:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why tho?

notreallyme3733 · 1 points · Posted at 10:03:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I just died a little inside after reading this

Blindharper · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have also done this 🙁

madame23 · 1 points · Posted at 10:07:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll mail you soup next time friend!!

dutchshelbs · 1 points · Posted at 10:08:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg, I'm so sorry for your loss.

alibabba54 · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! I just covered my eyes with one hand for approximately ten seconds. That sucks.

socks4m · 1 points · Posted at 10:13:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone's girlfriend posted about how her S.O. did this.

ReadReadReedRed · 1 points · Posted at 10:18:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oooooooooh my god I have done that too! I can’t help but laugh as I remember my embarrassment doing that.

UnobjectionableJug · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My housemate once did this while cooking. He was. Trying to strain the milk and just poured it through a sieve into the sink. I still laugh at it now.

PIO_PretendIOriginal · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you told this story in other threads, I'm having deja vu

TheGreyMage · 1 points · Posted at 10:40:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone who is currently dealing with an infection, I feel your pain.

kunt_nobrain · 1 points · Posted at 10:56:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everybody's been there at least once in their lifetime

dingman58 · 1 points · Posted at 11:04:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm physically in pain

Somescrubpriest · 1 points · Posted at 11:05:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nooooooo

lawalea · 1 points · Posted at 11:39:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the worst thing ever. I'd just take off all my clothes and walk into the sea if that happened to me. There's no coming back from that.

GizmodoDragon92 · 1 points · Posted at 12:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Great, now im sick.

ancientflowers · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sorry. I feel so bad for you. Especially if you were feeling sick and did all that work.

Murmelurmeli · 1 points · Posted at 12:59:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that too! When I was about 10 years old, I wanted to prove Grandma how good I was in the kitchen. Eagerly poured it through the colander. Down the drain. I remember her yelling at me only two times in my life. This was one of them.

WingedLady · 1 points · Posted at 13:04:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ooooh. I've done this. Luckily a cold wasn't coming on. Much cursing happened though.

szasy · 1 points · Posted at 13:06:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best one on the thread

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:36:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw shit I feel the pain.

crixux27 · 1 points · Posted at 13:37:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed so hard I think I woke my neighbors and I dont live in an apartment... they seem angry. I'm going inside now.

OWENISAGANGSTER · 1 points · Posted at 14:49:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Morbywoof · 1 points · Posted at 13:40:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing once only I already had the flu. I was able to blame it on my head being baked by fever but deep down I felt like it was my own stupidity.

There were many tears shed that night.

gafelda · 1 points · Posted at 14:22:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Commented this on an above post. Truly the worst feeling. Especially in a restaurant.

k2on0s · 1 points · Posted at 14:30:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uff, been there before :D

TheBlackReaper · 1 points · Posted at 14:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar thing happened to me. Made a bone stock base for about 12 hours of careful simmering and then added other things and then set it in the sink to cool in some water before refrigerating it. Came back about 20 minutes later and my mom had dumped it out thinking it was being washed or something.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin's Famous Chili.

doppleron · 1 points · Posted at 16:38:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ouch! Making pho with my wife a couple nights ago and caught her just as she was tipping the pot over the colander. Trials of cooking after 12+ hours of work.

jdcarlis · 1 points · Posted at 16:44:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ouch. That made me gasp out loud. What a plot twist.

noodles_the_food · 1 points · Posted at 17:00:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh my heart hurts for you my guy.

AdrianBrony · 1 points · Posted at 17:03:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"... But the future refused to change."

chill_chihuahua · 1 points · Posted at 17:17:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this before too lmao. WORST

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:05:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:21:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've read this before and now I always double check there is a bowl under my colander.

operarose · 1 points · Posted at 18:50:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just audibly groaned at work.

iamnomansland · 1 points · Posted at 19:04:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this making chai. 2/3 of my batch, just straight gone.

SuperHotelWorker · 1 points · Posted at 19:16:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has been posted before, hurts my soul every time.

FFS_IsThisNameTaken2 · 1 points · Posted at 19:22:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg! My grandfather did that once when I was a kid, only with fish we had caught for the day. After cleaning them, we had a nice pile of fish heads when he dumped the fillets into the lake.

whateverspicegirl · 1 points · Posted at 23:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have done the same thing; it's so disheartening when you realize what you've done.

islesandpizza · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you post this on r/food or r/cooking a year or so ago?

MEG4NTRON · 25963 points · Posted at 22:47:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The pipe underneath my sink was broken so I put a bucket below it to catch the water leaking out. When it was full I poured it back in the sink...and proceeded to flood my kitchen.

AFK_Tornado · 2569 points · Posted at 06:18:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similarly, I have made chicken stock, got out the strainer, poured my stock through it and down the sink, leaving myself with a nice pile of depleted bones and a new, lower estimation of my intelligence.

petlahk · 236 points · Posted at 07:22:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm laughing right now, but I know that one day I'll be making chicken stock...

carson63000 · 93 points · Posted at 08:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You’re doomed, everyone who makes stock will screw up like that, at least once. I have.

[deleted] · 71 points · Posted at 12:36:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been a chef for a decade and haven't done it. But I know your statement is true and I am still scared of it to this day.

No one escapes death.

Everyone strains stock into the drain.

carson63000 · 8 points · Posted at 19:05:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I were you, I’d hold out hope that it MIGHT be possible if you actually chef for a living. Probably not but you can hope!

Ya_like_dags · 22 points · Posted at 12:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just don't make laughing stock!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:25:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These tears are just pain from the strain game, player.

chupagatos · 164 points · Posted at 08:07:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this with cold brew coffee. Made a large batch with expensive coffee that I was really looking forward to drinking, let it sit for 24 hours and then I strained it straight into the sink. There’s something about holding a strainer...

garbageplay · 83 points · Posted at 09:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It has power over you.

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 18:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Its because the normal function of the strainer is to dump the liquid and reserve the solids. Stock and tea are like the only things that are the other way around. Incidentally, i just had a showerthought that tea is just leaf stock.

Loofadad · 18 points · Posted at 21:45:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woah, stock is just bone tea

FiliKlepto · 12 points · Posted at 01:18:06 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

And you can add some fruit to flavor it.

Bone apple tea!

sadpanda8420 · 6 points · Posted at 13:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for reminding me that I have cold brew in the fridge!

Redpillowed · 110 points · Posted at 06:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done the same more than once. It’s so demoralizing.

CSKING444 · 16 points · Posted at 09:01:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof.

Don't remind me that, please no

ArchmistressOfBull · 37 points · Posted at 08:08:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Try doing that when you work in a restaurant :p

I regularly had to strain stock. One of my other, unrelated jobs was to strain cooked beans.

Boy, I got an earful.

tienna · 20 points · Posted at 08:15:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this with coconut milk. Open the can, drain the can, proceed to be sad at my level of stupidity.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 10:26:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why do you drain coconut milk into the sink?

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 11:58:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You DON'T.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 12:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

m) I really thought tienna wanted to drain away the clear part. (I didn't have any coffee...)

tienna · 8 points · Posted at 13:16:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No worries bud, we’ve all had those days!

To explain, I do drain tuna or beans when I open them, so draining is part of the autopilot process of opening a can.

SuetyFiddle · 54 points · Posted at 07:10:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have never once put my pan into the sink to strain stock - always just pour it through the strainer on the hob. Of course, this did once lead to me setting a muslin on fire because I left the hob on.....

stenvg · 81 points · Posted at 07:26:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read something else there and I was really worried for a second

SanctusLetum · 17 points · Posted at 09:05:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mutaween, open up!

That's the Islamic religious police

Im2Human · 32 points · Posted at 07:35:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup, I momentarily thought there was an islamist-burning ceremony or something

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 09:06:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

absolutecretin · 21 points · Posted at 09:09:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

British word for the stove top.

kharmatika · 10 points · Posted at 11:31:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah fuckive done this too! I came very close to doing it with a lobster shell stock I’d been making for like, 3 hours, thankfully that didn’t happen

snackrilegious · 7 points · Posted at 08:11:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i’ve done this twice with cold brew. all that delicious coffee down the drain :(

champign0n · 6 points · Posted at 15:11:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh noooo. This one hurts me just reading it. So much work goes into making a nice stock!!

MrsPeacockIsAMan · 5 points · Posted at 18:01:07 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should read /u/portarossa's comment above

bboyemperor · 3 points · Posted at 09:26:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one hurts to read.

mkstot · 2 points · Posted at 08:21:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a chef I weep for you.

u38cg2 · 1 points · Posted at 12:29:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are not alone. Glad I'm not the only one who's done this.

mmmbort · 1 points · Posted at 13:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, I've done this many times.

Then you stand there, staring at the drain, all "Well, shit."

Paxelic · 1 points · Posted at 13:08:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait there's this exact answer about 3 scrolls up

AFK_Tornado · 2 points · Posted at 20:14:23 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

It seems there's more than one of us who've done this.

livin4donuts · 1 points · Posted at 14:12:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is worse because stock takes a while to make

[deleted] · 119 points · Posted at 06:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

every time the power goes out: walk into utility room to check breaker, flip on light switch.

g_s_m · 214 points · Posted at 03:47:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did this once! I mean, what else are you supposed to do when you have a bucket of water and there’s a sink right there?

Qkix · 84 points · Posted at 04:31:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took the trap out from under the sink to clear a clog... And then rinsed the trap out in the sink.

crunkadocious · 29 points · Posted at 07:03:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guilty of this too. I even grabbed a brush and scrubbed until I felt my feet get cold and wet

[deleted] · 279 points · Posted at 03:04:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

1cculu5 · 51 points · Posted at 06:15:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, you really should be stoned

62906 · 23 points · Posted at 06:17:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you on autopilot right now?

whoathisiscrazy17 · 17 points · Posted at 06:31:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No he’s stoned

underwear11 · 49 points · Posted at 07:29:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently did similar. We had a sewer clog that backed up out a basement floor drain. I took a wet/dry vac and sucked it all up and dumped it outside. Came in and had to pee. Out of habit I flushed. Immediately realized my stupidity. Back down I go with the vac. Came back in and thinking "I just handled sewage, I need to wash", I stupidly wash my hands. As I'm drying my hands, I realize I just made the same mistake yet again. Again I go with the vac. My wife thought it was hilarious.

CWM_93 · 33 points · Posted at 07:28:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I poured sticky pasta water all over my kitchen by forgetting that strainers are supposed to go in the sink before you empty a whole pot of pasta into them. I felt so stupid as I was mopping the worktop, the floor, down the side of the appliances...

hunnynotfunny · 54 points · Posted at 02:44:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No.. Gosh the horror

MethMouthMagoo · 27 points · Posted at 06:16:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LANGUAGE!

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 06:26:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's a pretty rich admonishment coming from /u/MethMouthMagoo

MethMouthMagoo · 43 points · Posted at 06:32:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It may be missing teeth, but my mouth stays clean, in that regard.

You fucking asshole. 😊

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 06:59:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😘

Cookie0927 · 3 points · Posted at 15:55:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can you not?

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 06:50:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lolol. I was drunk and angry my bathroom sink wouldn’t drain so I took the plumbing apart and proceeded to try to rinse it out in the same sink

HermitDefenestration · 13 points · Posted at 08:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why would you ever try to fix anything drunk?

ThePsychoKnot · 39 points · Posted at 08:12:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably because they were drunk

HermitDefenestration · 13 points · Posted at 08:13:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aye, fair enough.

fowlerboi · 11 points · Posted at 10:44:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am a plumber. Ive lost count of times I’ve drained a trap into a bucket then poured it down the now trapless sink

frostyflake07 · 8 points · Posted at 11:54:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dishwasher drains into the sink drain just above the trap. Dishwasher backed up one day with a bunch of water that wouldn't drain. I then proceeded to take a cup and scoop the water out of the dishwasher and put it in the sink, then wondered why the dishwasher didn't seem any emptier after about 10 to 15 cups.

BotiaDario · 12 points · Posted at 04:28:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this.

ShiftedLobster · 4 points · Posted at 06:08:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Outstanding work, soldier!

Paptreek · 6 points · Posted at 06:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me cry of laughter!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 12:01:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This whole thread.

ElectronicSquid · 11 points · Posted at 06:41:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

FLEX TAPE

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 07:50:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

ElectronicSquid · 2 points · Posted at 03:29:40 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll take your entire stock.

actjustlylovemercy · 6 points · Posted at 08:11:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not going to admit that I may have had to re-read that once or twice to make it click as to why that would flood the kitchen...

TheHavollHive · 5 points · Posted at 06:12:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be honest I'd probably do the same

dendroidarchitecture · 3 points · Posted at 08:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this. Dying inside, I stood, staring at the puddle for a minute before I grabbed a towel.

akwakeboarder · 5 points · Posted at 11:21:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read “the pipe underneath my skin” and got very concerned for you FELLOW HUMAN.

HermitBee · 5 points · Posted at 12:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a similar one. I dropped a razor blade down the sink. So I sat on the floor underneath it and removed the U bend, which was obviously partially full of water. So I reached up and emptied it into the sink above me. And straight into my lap.

troubledhoney · 3 points · Posted at 06:17:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened at our old house, i did the same thing and my mom yelled at me

BiggestFlower · 3 points · Posted at 04:26:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, done that!

RedEdition · 2 points · Posted at 08:21:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the exact same thing

RoyBeer · 2 points · Posted at 08:38:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is exactly what I had done, but only in the bathroom. It's just the natural thing to do with a bucket of fluids next to a sink.

Mrfoxuk · 2 points · Posted at 10:50:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of a cartoon with a leaky boat, that the save by drilling another hole in the floor to let the water out :)

Aussie_Red · 2 points · Posted at 11:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one made me crack up!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Trey5169 · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, there was an attempt at least.

unionjunk · 1 points · Posted at 06:34:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've seen this exact thing happen in a comic

phigo50 · 1 points · Posted at 07:21:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm pretty sure every plumber has done this at least once.

ThrowawaySpiderAcct · 1 points · Posted at 07:26:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the most relatable so far, I feel like a lot of us would make the same mistake.

holidaybull27 · 1 points · Posted at 07:28:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you.

pennydirk · 1 points · Posted at 08:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the one I would do

Bimbleover · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha! My dad is a plumber, he said people do that all the time!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:27:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favorite comment on this thread

ProjectShadow316 · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that a few times, maybe not due to auto pilot, but just not paying the fuck attention.

vipros42 · 1 points · Posted at 08:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this, but the sink was standing in the middle of the room at the time because we were renovating the kitchen

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:55:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there. Done that.

mikerichh · 1 points · Posted at 09:38:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is one of the comments I can get behind. Where else dump water, right? I remember my sink getting clogged and I had to dump buckets into the toilet which felt soooo weird

PM_MOI_TA_PHILO · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I better not do this too since I have a leaking pipe as well.

Skallay04 · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I could image myself doing this...

SgtPeppersDrPepper · 1 points · Posted at 10:13:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

you have no right to make me laugh out loud at 4:30 in the morning but thanks

AntiOpportunist · 1 points · Posted at 11:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Perpetuum Mobile.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:40:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That made me laugh a bit too much!

slater124 · 1 points · Posted at 11:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We all have done that, or will end up doing it. I chuckled, but I feel you.

alek_vincent · 1 points · Posted at 12:33:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happens to the best of us

Suzerain_Elysium · 1 points · Posted at 13:19:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that happen or did you just watch ElectroBOOM recently?

tw231116 · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is like when the internet goes down and you automatically try to open Google to look up how to fix it.

KuwinnShady · 1 points · Posted at 13:35:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled this not even a full month ago.

aSdFaQu · 1 points · Posted at 15:14:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This souds like something that could happen yo me, thanks

weezelbug · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

By far my favorite one 😂!

Aegius_X3 · 1 points · Posted at 16:04:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

totallylegit42 · 1 points · Posted at 18:18:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something like this as a maintenance guy a couple years ago. The u-bend in the sink pipes had a clog in it, so I had a bucket underneath to catch the nastiness as I took it apart. Got the clog out, thought "I should dump out this bucket," proceeded to dump about a gallon of nasty stagnant water into the disassembled sink. Made a 20 minute job turn into an hour of taking every last item out from under the sink and sanitizing the whole area (it was a retirement community so sanitation was a big deal). Wish I could say I only did it once...

tmcdonal · 1 points · Posted at 19:23:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have done the exact same thing, but on a non-flooding scale

DespacitoMan911 · 1 points · Posted at 22:23:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Illusion 100

eeeeeeeeesa · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:56 on January 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

Lauren??

spiffikins · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:01 on January 6, 2019 · (Permalink)

At my first job, I worked in a cafeteria that had a deep fryer for french fries. Every night we would shut off the fryer, and twist the knob under the fryer to open the valve and drain the grease into the container below., then clean out the fryer.

One morning I watched my coworker take the container of grease out from under the fryer, and pour it back into the top - but she had not checked that the drain was CLOSED first. Cue grease flowing ALL over the floor of cooking area.

I made sure to TRIPLE check the valve before filling the fryer in the mornings after that.

Maazell · 1 points · Posted at 06:11:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been here done that

StolenLemming · 1 points · Posted at 11:21:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is something I would 100% do!

desayunono · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would do that too.

Unzbuzzled · 1 points · Posted at 13:25:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done that too. Not my best moment.

Kafferty3519 · 1 points · Posted at 13:31:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok this one is downright funny!

cupofbee · 0 points · Posted at 07:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your post can be read to the tune of Last Christmas.

howdoesEyereddit · 0 points · Posted at 15:18:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done the exact same thing, twice in a row. So glad that I'm not the only one.

Tinywampa · 1241 points · Posted at 22:59:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

put my cat in the kitchen drawer

prof_the_doom · 472 points · Posted at 00:55:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's a pretty peaceful cat.

Fyrsiel · 129 points · Posted at 03:30:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cat's just like "Huh? Oh, okay."

MassaF1Ferrari · 95 points · Posted at 05:22:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I fits so I sits

watermoron · 14 points · Posted at 04:41:57 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

"this is my life now"

Tinywampa · 53 points · Posted at 01:42:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nonchalant

AnastasiaSheppard · 34 points · Posted at 09:59:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nonchatlant

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 03:46:34 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Noncatlant

MacoyDeLafayette · 2 points · Posted at 02:40:15 on March 17, 2019 · (Permalink)

They can be as Chalant as they like

Tinywampa · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:25 on March 17, 2019 · (Permalink)

Lazy bastards

PMUrWordofTheDay · 48 points · Posted at 02:51:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I've left this platform and my account is all but deleted. Every comment of mine has been changed to this.

Why? To quote a comment on the first post on reddit:

"I no longer believe that Reddit can enrich my life. People can find better news, entertainment, and discussion elsewhere. Reddit is too full of low effort content, gross censorship [gross is an underestimation] of both useful and non-useful discourse, and the worst kinds of arguments. I advise everyone to leave and do something more productive with your lives.

Go read a book, learn a language, talk to a stranger, walk around your neighborhood, take a class, cook a meal, or play with your pet. If you're anything like me, you won't look back and consider the time on Reddit to be life well lived. I hope to see you out there."

PM's will not be responded to, no matter how original the word.

Enjoy your time on reddit. Or better yet, off of it.

-u/PMUrWordoftheDay

Tinywampa · 111 points · Posted at 02:53:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a small cat that loves to be held, I was putting away an oven mitt while holding the cat, but wrong hand.

Reaxan5 · 38 points · Posted at 04:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did u actually close the drawer or did u realize

AFK_Tornado · 40 points · Posted at 06:23:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The oven mitt wasn't as nice to pet.

WickedRaccoon · 32 points · Posted at 08:04:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

petting the lasagna while a microwave beeps in the background

AnastasiaSheppard · 16 points · Posted at 09:59:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

nooooooo :(

MacTaker · 10 points · Posted at 07:14:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Marginally better than grabbing a hot dish from the oven with the cat. Only one letter difference between kitten and mitten, so somewhat understandable!

AaronVsMusic · 26 points · Posted at 07:44:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m just imagining you wrestling a squirming cat into the drawer, thinking “What the hell is up with this oven mitt?”

Cryingbabylady · 15 points · Posted at 09:55:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I watched a friend’s cat for a month while she was away and he had the craziest habit of climbing into my dresser drawers. He would open the bottom drawer, climb through that one into one of the upper drawers that were still closed. And then get stuck!

The first time it happened I freaked out thinking he was in the walls or something because I could hear faint meowing.

I eventually just barricaded my dresser.

Maudhiko · 10 points · Posted at 07:20:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The cat was going to go in there anyways so....

ThatGuyTheyCallAlex · 8 points · Posted at 11:16:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cat would love you if you did that.

__Rick__Sanchez__ · 2 points · Posted at 21:28:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one actually made me laugh thank u

[deleted] · 13402 points · Posted at 23:30:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stepped on a cheeto and apologized to it.

[deleted] · 2859 points · Posted at 01:33:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 168 points · Posted at 06:02:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

to be fair, it knew the danger of being cheesy.

blueberry_five · 27 points · Posted at 06:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

if i had gold it would be yours my dear

Reditate · 35 points · Posted at 06:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apology not accepted.

kmuhammad21 · 34 points · Posted at 06:34:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m laughing so hard at this comment.

WickedRaccoon · 24 points · Posted at 07:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Mind your bloody step, mate!"

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 08:13:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's what I do whenever I step on a fucking snail by accident... Late at night you can't see the things so I always step on one accidentally, I feel so bad...

HoldThisBeer · 12 points · Posted at 08:54:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That split second of terror when you think it was your girlfriend's guinea pig.

kamilman · 6 points · Posted at 09:48:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know why but I read the "Oh, sorry" out loud in a Canadian accent. Still funny as hell

AFrostNova · 4 points · Posted at 16:04:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tint voice: “it’s okay”

N0thingtosee · 2 points · Posted at 17:25:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Rodanovich · 1 points · Posted at 09:19:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can just imagine it too, as that’s exactly the situation he described.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:59:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

ViZeShadowZ · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:58 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did you cronch your wife

FuadRamses · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stood on a dead bird once, basically went like that.

cebeezly82 · 209 points · Posted at 02:48:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I'm legally blind and find myself apologizing to all kinds of shit wet floor signs, fire hydrant s, mannequin s, you name it. Awkward AF

CthulhuHatesChumpits · 184 points · Posted at 02:57:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, but I'm not blind - just Canadian.

istolethisface · 83 points · Posted at 02:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, but I'm not blind or Canadian.

VForVarinius · 46 points · Posted at 04:43:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hol' up

ohididntseeuthere · 28 points · Posted at 05:51:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is BEYOND science

AmalgamSnow · 10 points · Posted at 07:41:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Must be British.

istolethisface · 3 points · Posted at 23:02:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Here to blow your mind for real, I'm actually American.

PM_ME_UR_TURKEYS · 6 points · Posted at 07:23:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too! I find myself saying sorry about 10,000 times a day.

imnotwastingmytime · 11 points · Posted at 09:05:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night was my first time playing billiards, my vision is also not so good so I'm used to apologizing to anyone or anything I'd accidentally bumped. When I hit the cue ball last night I automatically apologized to it

cebeezly82 · 1 points · Posted at 01:45:16 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol funny how'd you do.

legendpebble · 10 points · Posted at 04:41:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

how did you type this edit: okay how did he read it and know if he was actually typing a comment? he knew exactly where to press to type a comment or click on this thread? getting around reddit while blind must be hard

bayouekko · 94 points · Posted at 04:47:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He's legally blind, not illegally. He's allowed to type

legendpebble · 7 points · Posted at 04:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

how did he type if hes blind

Medicate · 41 points · Posted at 04:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

Little_Mel · 7 points · Posted at 06:18:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! I understand now!

PractisingPoetry · 3 points · Posted at 16:24:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Firstly, blindness is not an all or nothing sorr of thing. Very few blind people have litterally no vision. Secondly, a keyboard does not require sight to use.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 19:32:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

legendpebble · 1 points · Posted at 19:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oooh. thanks for letting me know.

cebeezly82 · 12 points · Posted at 05:55:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't really see text anymore so I use accessibility tech that is built into many devices called a screen reader or talking software

_Cat_12345 · 11 points · Posted at 04:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Voice over/ speech to text.

hyb_randy · 3 points · Posted at 06:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But how can he read it tho

WickedRaccoon · 8 points · Posted at 07:01:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Text to speech the entire comment thread

technog2 · 3 points · Posted at 16:22:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh really? Hmmm

7777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777

cebeezly82 · 4 points · Posted at 01:42:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol Ican sound really funny when people type a lot of characters like aaAaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhjhhuuhhhh

tiny_little_raven · 3 points · Posted at 21:48:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found the chaotic evil

Kevin_M_ · 1 points · Posted at 12:31:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

With a keyboard

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:15 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is a reason, I'm not and I still apologize to things.

thesleepyCulverwitch · 166 points · Posted at 02:03:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel that on a personal level.

CSKING444 · 4 points · Posted at 09:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remember the countless times you've apologized to the mannequins just minding their own business only to stare at it for 5 minutes afterwards

[deleted] · 47 points · Posted at 07:01:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

kamenrothen · 18 points · Posted at 07:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welp, I just woke my boyfriend because I bursted out laughing with this comment. Thanks for the laugh!

[deleted] · 37 points · Posted at 04:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually just say "ouch" when I make two inanimate objects hit each other by accident. Like if I push my chair into my table or something like that. It's really weird, lol.

ReadingParty · 5 points · Posted at 17:19:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this too. Nobody's ever said it's weird or anything, so I just tell myself it's adorable.

9989989 · 1 points · Posted at 22:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m imagining the oof sound

infernal420 · 16 points · Posted at 04:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Top 5 underrated comments

shavedchickens · 18 points · Posted at 05:07:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I too am Canadian.

DylanCO · 22 points · Posted at 03:30:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cheeto lives mattertm

Sicarius-de-lumine · 23 points · Posted at 03:23:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't worry. That's just the Canadian kicking in.

Fyrsiel · 13 points · Posted at 03:27:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure it forgave you, though.

GreatFrostHawk · 9 points · Posted at 03:31:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As an individual with hyper-empathy, I relate.

Sergio_Moy · 9 points · Posted at 03:46:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I was playing voleyball and my friend accidentally hit a plant with the ball so she walked over to it to apologize.

spielplatz · 9 points · Posted at 04:50:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My 2 year old did that to a slice of bell pepper today.

CummyShitDick · 10 points · Posted at 05:12:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex's dad would apologize to every inanimate object he hit. Accidentally kick a table "sorry" under his breath. Never really got an explanation for that but w/e.

fisga · 7 points · Posted at 05:59:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Canadian also?

jinnyjonny · 9 points · Posted at 06:15:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  1. You're Canadian
  2. This with out a doubt happened the day weed was legalized
bmothebest · 6 points · Posted at 04:48:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This actually had me cracking up. Not just breathing out of my nose a little more quickly, but a good, hearty laugh

Asoliner3 · 7 points · Posted at 09:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This comment was weird to understand if you watch xQc.

rgxryan · 6 points · Posted at 04:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OP said auto pilot not baked my man

sassysaltysecretary · 5 points · Posted at 08:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We found the Canadian.

FrazzleFlib · 5 points · Posted at 04:48:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
SmokinOakland · 5 points · Posted at 04:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cheetos have feelings too

vanish619 · 4 points · Posted at 12:48:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cheeto.

WraTHxWOLF · 3 points · Posted at 05:11:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well you better apologize! Have you seen sausage party?!?!

It will kill you in your sleep next time!

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 05:21:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh shit, I do this with ants, snails, spiders, etc. Don't know shy

52in52Hedgehog · 3 points · Posted at 09:29:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's different. They were at some point alive. Cheetos have no soul.

tophOCMC · 3 points · Posted at 05:56:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ope, sorry bud. You guys ok?

-from Michigan.

nursekitty22 · 2 points · Posted at 06:07:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that once while walking I kicked a bowl of water that was on the ground left out for dogs, then immediately apologized to it afterwards....I hope it accepted my apology hahha

ThewanderingnurseNS · 4 points · Posted at 06:26:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fellow Canadian? (I apologize to inanimate objects almost daily).

viktorbigballz · 3 points · Posted at 06:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol this reminds me of my calculus 3 class. my professor would be talking and backing up to point at something on the board but would always bump into a desk and say sorry to the desk

Medeni86 · 4 points · Posted at 09:05:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you British? 😂

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:43:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once dropped my phone in public and shouted "Ouch" after staring at it for 5 seconds. My friends joked about me being slow for the rest of the day and I got a lot of weird stares before I left that place.

tiny_little_raven · 1 points · Posted at 21:50:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this with everything I drop

CyberFerno · 3 points · Posted at 05:09:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Top 10 saddest anime deaths

raemoondoe · 3 points · Posted at 05:43:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh thank you for making me laugh! I do this shit all of the time.

i burp and say 'oh boy excuse me,' to me.

anaesthetic · 3 points · Posted at 06:00:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time a frog/toad hopped into my foot as I was making a step. I talked to it like it was my cat

Sorry, babe. You okay?

TLBG · 3 points · Posted at 06:22:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Must be Canadian. 🍁

saurabhkundu1 · 3 points · Posted at 07:38:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said sorry to a pole after I got hit with it

jonas5577 · 3 points · Posted at 07:44:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Canada?

LyricalAxolotl · 3 points · Posted at 07:55:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I apologize to inanimate objects all the time, or say ow if other people drop/hurt something inanimate

PlutoTuer · 3 points · Posted at 08:22:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let me guess , Canadian?

cold-t-dot · 3 points · Posted at 09:45:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you Canadian?

Heruuna · 3 points · Posted at 09:49:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this so often because my first thought is I've stepped on the cat. Feel something soft or fuzzy under my foot, freak out, profusely apologize, and then realise it's just the edge of the fucking area rug or a cat toy and the cat is staring at me going, "Wtf is wrong with you?"

Pak_Track · 3 points · Posted at 10:42:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you Canadian?

k2on0s · 3 points · Posted at 14:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, sometimes I say oh excuse me after bumping into a wall or door.

nxmjm · 3 points · Posted at 15:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I find myself saying thank you to Alexa. I hope that it storing up some kudos with the AI.

insertusernames_ · 4 points · Posted at 06:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY!?

MrDalgate · 2 points · Posted at 05:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually find myself apologizing to all sorts of inanimate objects if I bump into them.

rabid- · 2 points · Posted at 06:17:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived a few years in Austin and we had a ton of snails. I can sympathize with you.

major84 · 2 points · Posted at 06:19:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hello fellow Canadian

Nochamier · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apologize to the carpet

CoolerThanBono · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You must be from [my geographical area]!

NKHdad · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best one here. Literally had me stifling a laugh next to my sleeping wife and kids (visiting family for Christmas, so sharing a room)

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:00:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favorite

beached-mermaid · 2 points · Posted at 07:12:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As you should.

IncreasedMetronomy · 2 points · Posted at 07:46:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I bump into any inanimate object, I always apologize

Th3CatOfDoom · 2 points · Posted at 11:14:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did it forgive you?

SmilieSmith · 2 points · Posted at 11:56:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid my Dad used to walk into me on purpose because he thought my automatic apologising was funny. Took me ages to catch on to what he was up to!

TobiasMasonPark · 2 points · Posted at 15:16:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It ain’t easy being cheesy

honeypeanutbutter · 2 points · Posted at 22:52:24 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend showed me this and said he does the same. One of our cats is named Cheeto, though...

wildmeli · 1 points · Posted at 04:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time in high school someone was sitting on a desk and swinging their legs. He accidentally kicked me and I apologized.

deepmedimuzik · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rip in peace

inglesasolitaria · 1 points · Posted at 07:40:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You were English in a past life

HyzerFlipDG · 1 points · Posted at 07:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Are you fucking sorry?!?!"

olgahontas · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I may be drunk and stupid but this is hilarious

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Underrated reply

ouberdouber · 1 points · Posted at 08:46:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found the Canadian!

MintberryCruuuunch · 1 points · Posted at 09:17:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Youre either Canadian or work for Comcast.

wile_e_chicken · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The damage is done, man. The damage is done.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:52:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best thing ever.

beagann · 1 points · Posted at 10:21:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you have pets? Because this sounds like something anyone with pets would say

AwesomeGuyAlpha · 1 points · Posted at 10:22:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol, this is gold

Cepuminjs · 1 points · Posted at 11:06:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you Canadien?

jenokii · 1 points · Posted at 11:17:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really feel this one

sefhollapod · 1 points · Posted at 12:17:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

TIL that it appears to be common knowledge that Canadians are a very polite sort who care for food stuffs as much as people stuffs. I want to be Canadian when I grow up.

PBRidesAgain · 1 points · Posted at 13:17:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a Canadian I approve

atruj003 · 1 points · Posted at 14:18:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m laughing so hard

SuddenTerrible_Haiku · 1 points · Posted at 14:36:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Writhing in pain, a grunted "shit. Sorry" to my coffee table

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:02:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend randomly apologizes to inanimate objects all the time. Her iPad, the door, food...my favourite was when she accidentally turned on her car wipers and then said sorry to them

PurpleProboscis · 1 points · Posted at 15:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time when bumping into stuff. Never feels less dumb.

Gingerbread-giant · 1 points · Posted at 15:44:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one is my favorite :)

UnmindfuI · 1 points · Posted at 15:47:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fucking sides

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 16:59:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I apologize to inanimate objects all the time. The other day I accidentally closed my microwave too hard and went “ouch, sorry”

TOash416 · 1 points · Posted at 17:37:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Totally done that.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:20:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I once got me top caught in the handle of a door and as it kind of pulled me back I was like "get off me!". There were no other humans around.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:23:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you Canadian?

ABBenzin · 1 points · Posted at 18:35:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now if we could just get Jinping to do the same, my Jan 18th calls might still be worth something.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:02:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I apologize to everything. I am not even Canadian; I only recently moved from the "Southern United States of America by geography only" to "Canada by geography only".

slinksteffe · 1 points · Posted at 20:22:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has to be a John Cleese sketch.

kotenbu · 1 points · Posted at 22:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

canadian tings

uncommoncommoner · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:23 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

'dangerously cheesy'

daiye99 · 1219 points · Posted at 22:59:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning I was sick and stayed home from work. My wife was being really awesome and served me breakfast. Trying to show her how thankful I was I said "Thanks Mom." We both just stared at each other for a second then burst out laughing.

tyreka13 · 98 points · Posted at 05:10:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up with a migraine and called in. At the end I told my boss "Night mom". My boss is a male and it was 7:15a.

Manunited3710 · 24 points · Posted at 18:15:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live around 500 miles from my parents... whenever I visit my parents I always end up calling my wife “mom” and my mom “hun” at some point during the trip. 🤦🏼‍♂️

Captain_Coffee_Pants · 7 points · Posted at 00:38:31 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you had done that on purpose that would have actually been a really funny joke

shaving99 · 5 points · Posted at 00:40:49 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Isn't this how pornos start?

shhhushnow · 29108 points · Posted at 22:07:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work on a farm & we always took our boots off before entering the homestead for meal breaks. One afternoon I absent-mindedly unbuttoned my jeans and started to take them off instead of my boots. I guess my brain decided I was done for the day!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 11110 points · Posted at 22:22:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was anyone around to see?

shhhushnow · 10653 points · Posted at 22:40:51 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep - everyone else working there going on tea break

Innerouterself · 5488 points · Posted at 00:24:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea breaks on the farm sound fantastic.

dannighe · 1745 points · Posted at 00:42:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They sound British af.

Maximillionpouridge · 588 points · Posted at 00:50:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or Australian. Tea can be dinner

moosknauel · 146 points · Posted at 01:18:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or east frisian (North Germany) where tea can be breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea or dinner.

[deleted] · 113 points · Posted at 01:40:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[removed]

Vulturedoors · 100 points · Posted at 03:15:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Americans drink tea. We just don't really have anything like teatime or afternoon tea as a formal break.

lordtaste · 18 points · Posted at 04:30:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea time, afternoon tea, tea breaks etc aren't exactly common in England either, far from in fact.

sluttyankles · 10 points · Posted at 05:31:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait.. so you don't sit and eat crumpets while sipping tea all day, squeeling "TALLYHO MY GOOD SIR" after every bite?

lordtaste · 17 points · Posted at 05:38:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, we all shout "cheerio" at eachother as we leave Buckingham Palace after giving the Queen a quality shagging.

monsiurlemming · 3 points · Posted at 11:59:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe not where you're from - you're missing out mate!

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 14:57:39 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

ryebread91 · 1 points · Posted at 16:45:09 on January 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

Is a tea break and afternoon tea not the same thing? (Asking as an American)

skweeky · 2 points · Posted at 16:59:57 on January 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

Afternoon tea would usually be a sit down meal of tea and a light amount of food (mini sandwiches, cake etc.) A tea break is often just a cuppa and a chat for 5 minutes and can be at any time.

Chennywah · 34 points · Posted at 05:55:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In Australia saying it's time for tea usually means it's time for dinner 😊

EssEllEyeSeaKay · 5 points · Posted at 08:08:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unless you say “afternoon tea”, in which case it means afternoon tea.

inspiredbytacos · 1 points · Posted at 18:08:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dinner as in lunch or as in supper?

Instantflip · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:18 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

In Australia saying it's time for tea usually means it's time for dinner 😊

Is this "dinner" as in evening meal?

dossier · 10 points · Posted at 06:19:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I certainly don't want hot tea after working on a GD farm.

glen_v · 1 points · Posted at 12:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep. If I have to go back out more afterwards, give me cold water. If I'm done for the day, give me cold beer. Either way, keep the hot tea.

Dendrulat · 1 points · Posted at 14:50:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unless it is very cold, then anything hot is great!

gwaydms · 31 points · Posted at 04:46:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In Texas and the South, we love tea. Most of the year though, we like it iced

AubinCLemar · 4 points · Posted at 05:53:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just so we're clear, Sweet Tea and Tea are two different things.

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 15:06:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm in the unsweet tes camp. With lemon

Mrhankypoo · 5 points · Posted at 06:47:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We also make sure its 90% sugar

dream6601 · 5 points · Posted at 12:08:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If the spoon won't stand up without touching the sides of the glass you're not drinking southern sweet tea

werkytwerky · 2 points · Posted at 14:09:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i drink both (in NC). For tea, I don't use that much sugar. Iced tea, however, yes, i do like some tea with my sugar, thanks.

KryptoniteDong · 2 points · Posted at 06:02:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's treason then

gwaydms · 0 points · Posted at 15:06:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*teason

FTFY

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:32:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Oppai420 · 1 points · Posted at 09:31:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was a farm, so it could be a sweet tea break.

Snooch1313 · 55 points · Posted at 04:02:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

We drink tea in America too. We just don't brag about it all the time.

Edit: Forgot this was reddit and my joke was going to get dissected. For the record, I love you limey bastards.

BearWithVastCanyon · 19 points · Posted at 06:20:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think the English brag about drinking tea - you guys just get confused because tea = dinner over here so tea time is actually dinner time

oceanbreze · 0 points · Posted at 15:36:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

???: Meaning Tea is roast beef, potatoes, vegetables and tea. NOT sandwiches, potato chips and a soda.... potato chips=crisps, soda=fizzy drink or pop. Right?

BearWithVastCanyon · 3 points · Posted at 15:44:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well roast beef & potatoes is more of a Sunday roast which is a bit different - we wouldn't have a roast every day

More likely some oven cooked meal like fish & chips, a pie, chicken kiev / nuggets

Also you said vegetables & tea - we don't actually drink tea with out tea - that would be madness

bristolcities · 23 points · Posted at 05:30:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

England has coffee houses that are older than the United States, we should brag more about coffee too!

400_lux · 2 points · Posted at 04:35:20 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Except you really shouldn't, especially after all that time to perfect it!

bristolcities · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:10 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well said and very true. You have to hunt for a decent coffee in the UK.

GamrG33k · 22 points · Posted at 08:17:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Never in my entire (British) life have I ever heard or read of a single soul bragging about dining tea you fruit loop :D

"So the other day, I was totally Tea'd off my tits! I had 7 teas in two hours bro"

[deleted] · 29 points · Posted at 05:11:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea is great for when you want to remind yourself of how bad life could have been if we never threw this shit into the sea

Fucking leaf juice

surfANDmusic · 1 points · Posted at 11:41:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol leaf juice

AnnVannArt · 1 points · Posted at 12:27:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Murica

happysunny · 1 points · Posted at 14:39:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you try bagged teas, it can taste like disappointing leaf juice. But try going to a nice tea shop just once. They brew loose-leaf tea at the right temperature and it can taste really different from what you're used to with the crummy bagged teas.

Dendrulat · 0 points · Posted at 15:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or, leaf soup, as they cleverly described it on, tv show, The Big Bang Theory.

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 01:46:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Which one?

jungleass98 · 60 points · Posted at 01:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well as a hint we had a pretty well known tea party in Boston

steveo3387 · 5 points · Posted at 02:01:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It rendered the tea unsuitable for drinking, even for Americans.

Channelception · -2 points · Posted at 02:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Double negatives. It made it suitable for drinking

1mnotklevr · -2 points · Posted at 03:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Double negatives

That's not actually how double negatives work. Most school's teach this incorrectly.

OneCrisisAtATime · 0 points · Posted at 03:54:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This says otherwise

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/grammar/double-negatives

I'm gonna trust Oxford Dictionary.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But it’s British

Like tea

Fucking leaf juice

1mnotklevr · 1 points · Posted at 08:20:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should probably read the entire entry.

OneCrisisAtATime · 2 points · Posted at 08:35:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did. It talks about how they're still understood when using double negatives, but it's still technically a positive, which means that schools don't teach it wrongly.

mechewstaa · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drink tea like 6 times a day in Boston, to be fair

BenJ618 · 0 points · Posted at 05:05:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah so it’s probably not America...

NeedsMoreYellow · 7 points · Posted at 01:54:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Native of that one, here. I love tea.

SinkLeakOnFleek · 6 points · Posted at 02:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Southern native of that country, can confirm the populis here is obsessed with a ruined version of the beverage

Jaquestrap · 9 points · Posted at 02:47:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*New and improved

jepensedoucjsuis · 4 points · Posted at 05:45:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, Americans drink tea.. we just dont like to make a fuss about it. Now, flags, football, immigrants, guns, trucks, and cheese. That we will make a fuss over.

I don't understand it either.

hellraisinhardass · 4 points · Posted at 06:11:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think we make much of a fuss about our cheese, unless you are in Wisconsin. But the rest, yes.

re_re_recovery · 2 points · Posted at 10:48:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not in Wisconsin, but I have a whole refrigerator drawer dedicated to cheese.

I make a fuss over cheese.

RatchetBird · 3 points · Posted at 02:16:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ummm I'm American and I love tea. I'm excited to go "across the pond" and have some "real tea" for the first time in my life in 2019. I know we get shit on a lot for having crappy tea, but if it's as good as everyone says it is, I might form an expensive habit. Any reccomendations besides the ones I'm offered?

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 03:40:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 04:50:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There are some premium tea brands at decent grocery stores in the US. Just don't go to Walmart and expect to find them.

The HEB that I go to has some very good premium teas and coffees, as well as some masquerading as such.

gwaydms · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There are some premium tea brands at decent grocery stores in the US. Just don't go to Walmart and expect to find them.

The HEB that I go to has some very good premium teas and coffees, as well as some masquerading as such.

Darcfreddie · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also several good online places to get quality tea.

HonPhryneFisher · 11 points · Posted at 02:27:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not so much into the tea itself, but clotted cream is amazing and you must try it.

AubinCLemar · 3 points · Posted at 05:56:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn't there be a more appetizing name for this? Haha

hellraisinhardass · 3 points · Posted at 06:10:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clotted cream? Is that actually what it's name implies? Artificially clotted with an acid like lemon juice? Or clotted from age?

HonPhryneFisher · 3 points · Posted at 06:51:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know, it is the worst name. I found out how to make it when I got home from England...you just bake cream for a long time in a low temp and skim it. You don't actually add anything to it. It is kind of like sweet butter but with a really cool texture.

RatchetBird · 2 points · Posted at 08:58:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay! Like u/AubinCLemar said... I wish the name was more appetizing, but I will reserve my judgements until I've had it! Thanks!

re_re_recovery · 1 points · Posted at 10:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cream doesn't "clot"...blood clots. Cream (and other dairy) curdles.

HonPhryneFisher · 2 points · Posted at 12:59:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well I guess if you wanted a worse name than clotted cream, curdled cream would do it.

sluttyankles · 6 points · Posted at 05:35:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea with milk goes amazingly well

AubinCLemar · 3 points · Posted at 05:59:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oregon Chai, yea boy.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 09:23:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

RatchetBird · 1 points · Posted at 09:48:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saved! Thank you! Is that an easy tea to find? I'm not familiar with the brands.

skweeky · 1 points · Posted at 15:01:43 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

You leave the tea to brew right? Small mash then 3-4 minutes then another mash for my ideal cuppa.

TimmyTurnersLeftNut · 1 points · Posted at 01:45:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

America still drinks tea a lot. Most of it is iced tea though.

derawin07 · 4 points · Posted at 06:52:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

we have normal drink tea breaks too

I would hope the dude wasn't still working at dinner time

TractionDuck91 · 18 points · Posted at 01:45:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

UK here. It goes: Breakfast, Dinner, Tea

Joe64x · 13 points · Posted at 01:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello UK 👋

lordtaste · 13 points · Posted at 04:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Breakfast, lunch, dinner unless you're Northern or raised by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

girlinaboat · 5 points · Posted at 10:07:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use dinner and tea for my evening meal but then maybe that’s because I’m from the middle...

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 06:48:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dinner is formally the largest meal of the day. Typically either the midday meal of lunch or the end of day meal of supper.colloquially Dinner tends to be associated with one meal more than the other due to historic habits of when the largest meal was consumed. However, increased urbanization, women entering the work force, and the introduction of 8 hour work days has ended the practice of lengthy large lunches in much of the English-speaking world and pushed off the largest meal to supper. The reference to lunches as dinners has nonetheless persisted, and is more common in rural or historical rural places.

lordtaste · -1 points · Posted at 07:00:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah mate sweet. I was only having a laugh but I appreicate the history lesson, tah.

GamrG33k · 4 points · Posted at 08:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God I hate that prick. If HE wants Brexit you know it's gotta be shit for the rest of us.

Agree though.. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Unless you're having Afternoon Tea, which specifically is a cup of tea with triangle sandwiches and pastries/cakes

lordtaste · 2 points · Posted at 08:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He is a colossal arse hat indeed. I'm right leaning and it pains me every day that the people of this country have to see that fucking prick on their TV.

I live down South and afternoon tea has never been a thing here aha. Or maybe it's just my area I don't know.

GamrG33k · -1 points · Posted at 08:31:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too, but it's common most places, especially South West and, well, everywhere North of us :)

It's also very popular with most ladies. My wife loves an afternoon Tea in a quaint village Tea Room.

TheGlenn88 · 3 points · Posted at 05:51:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Northern UK... South say that dinner is lunch.

AubinCLemar · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What about lunch...

TractionDuck91 · 2 points · Posted at 10:16:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a Manc I don’t know what that is love.

AubinCLemar · 1 points · Posted at 10:21:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's just a good excuse to eat a third time in the day, after breakfast and before dinner. Though I'm not sure you were being serious.

TractionDuck91 · 1 points · Posted at 10:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All I know is that we had DINNER ladies at school and up until I moved down south, I had never eaten a meal called “lunch”.

That’s serious, but it’s all just colloquial.

AubinCLemar · 1 points · Posted at 17:29:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What the fuck...

TractionDuck91 · 1 points · Posted at 18:48:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What do you mean?

AubinCLemar · 1 points · Posted at 20:15:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's just odd to me that it's like that where you lived, in the US too right?

TractionDuck91 · 2 points · Posted at 22:44:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am north England

AubinCLemar · 2 points · Posted at 03:12:31 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, makes awfully more sense.

TractionDuck91 · 2 points · Posted at 08:18:16 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just awfully

thedevilsloppytaco · 2 points · Posted at 04:50:44 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Such a grand statement, almost like, God here. Haha.

DontMessWithTrexes · 1 points · Posted at 12:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my neck of the woods in Scotland we say breakfast, dinner, supper.

Instantflip · 0 points · Posted at 08:22:28 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

US: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner/Supper.

KawhiComeBack · 2 points · Posted at 07:34:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah that’s what I call it

GWnullie · 33 points · Posted at 01:26:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You ever been to the Southern United States. Plenty of farms and an exponential more amount of tea drinkers down there. Only it's cold tea and sweeter than molasses.

Vulturedoors · 7 points · Posted at 03:17:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even as a Southerner I usually get half and half because full-on sweet tea is too sweet for me.

gwaydms · 12 points · Posted at 04:51:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Texan for 49 years. Unsweet tea with lemon. Too much sugar makes me feel awful

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 06:51:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my opinion super sweet tea is associated with store bought or restaurant tea. Homemade stuff is much less saccharine. Georgia here.

Vulturedoors · 2 points · Posted at 07:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

True. McDonald's sweet tea is pretty good, but a little too sweet IMHO.

oceanbreze · 2 points · Posted at 15:40:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get it halved. 1/2 sweet. 1/2 non.

gwaydms · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Texan for 49 years. Unsweet tea with lemon. Too much sugar makes me feel awful

Locovist · 5 points · Posted at 04:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think you understand what exponential means

GWnullie · 1 points · Posted at 18:02:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think you understand what a hyperbole is.

op2mus_2357 · 2 points · Posted at 01:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is there any other way?

BleedingPurpandGold · 11 points · Posted at 01:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There are 2 kinds of tea. There nectar of God's own country, and coffee's weaker cousin.

Hubbli_Bubbli · 4 points · Posted at 04:18:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unless it was “sweet tea”. Then you’re definitely in the southern US.

Yousuckbutt · 3 points · Posted at 05:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Americans threw the greatest tea party in history.

DestructoSpin87 · 5 points · Posted at 01:24:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's what I was thinking

jabrown404 · 2 points · Posted at 05:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s southern af, too. Just in a vastly different way.

Pip-Boy4000 · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hope they mean sweet tea. That’ll be Texas.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[cow having a pint] What's so British about that?

shhhushnow · 1 points · Posted at 09:10:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You got me - Britain it was!

sadpanda8420 · 1 points · Posted at 13:53:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea break on the farm usually include ice and loads of sugar though.

yParticle · 35 points · Posted at 00:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Especially in your underwear.

Louis83 · 23 points · Posted at 01:05:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

DavidHeaton · 22 points · Posted at 01:37:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you say this because of the tea or the nuditea

Innerouterself · 8 points · Posted at 01:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Punny. You're ready to be a father and mod of /r/dadjokes

DavidHeaton · 5 points · Posted at 01:41:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ooooof, that requires me to get laid. Pepehands

Innerouterself · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
keto401 · 20 points · Posted at 00:59:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plot twist: Broke Back Mountain Farm

surfANDmusic · 3 points · Posted at 11:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuck yeah. Some oolong midday after a hard half day of farm work. Sounds lovely.

why-yes-hello-there · 2 points · Posted at 04:03:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Here in Washington state we have tea breaks too..

HowAmIDiamond · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds terrible to me because that means I’m on a farm.

I_love_pillows · 1 points · Posted at 07:59:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea break and chill

Dason37 · 0 points · Posted at 07:17:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Minus the twig and berries

[deleted] · 37 points · Posted at 01:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

avtges · 2 points · Posted at 01:32:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Most underrated comment of the thread award goes to...

[deleted] · 76 points · Posted at 00:45:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you assert dominance by continuing to take off your pants?

[deleted] · 41 points · Posted at 01:00:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OP was in too deep. I heard he started T-Posing after his pants were off. Big power move.

RedfoxxRDFX · 0 points · Posted at 05:55:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Meta

DemyeliNate · 9 points · Posted at 01:31:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You have to walk to the corners of the room and mark your territory.

DestructoSpin87 · 5 points · Posted at 01:26:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You guys are too much. Reddit is the best.

op2mus_2357 · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Smells like someone's fishing for gold.

BFishy17 · 10 points · Posted at 01:10:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s probably the most southern thing I’ve heard all day

Moikle · 1 points · Posted at 08:11:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

South of England?

BFishy17 · 1 points · Posted at 21:08:20 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea breaks on a farm, implying it’s sweet tea, is very southern US

hellraisinhardass · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tea? Southern thing? Maybe South Australia but not Southern US.

BFishy17 · 1 points · Posted at 21:07:23 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sweet Tea is probably the most southern US thing

major84 · 6 points · Posted at 05:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh looks like Rob is going out to fuck sheep again !!

shhhushnow · 3 points · Posted at 09:11:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah that's when I say I'm going hill walking

major84 · 6 points · Posted at 09:22:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hill walking

I misread that was Hill wanking .... and my mind just went totally blank

illepic · 2 points · Posted at 02:29:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He was bringing in the teabag.

InjuredSmurf · 2 points · Posted at 06:56:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've also done this at work, except it was in the staff room of a bar....

HuntertheNarwhal · 1 points · Posted at 17:29:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When was the tea break usually? Hot or cold tea?

DeathDiggerSWE · 7 points · Posted at 02:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If so, were they aroused to see?

NiceTryFry · 2560 points · Posted at 00:26:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're not alone! As I recall, there was a baseball player who did something like this. He slid into first, dusted off his pants, then pulled them down (presumably some dirt had gotten in) while on the field before remembering where he was. It was during a game and everything! There's a video of it somewhere.

Gimme_some_of_that · 1458 points · Posted at 01:18:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

https://youtu.be/QLIpmACBq1g

Here's the link, I'm hoping this is the one you mean??

[deleted] · 424 points · Posted at 01:24:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He brushes it off pretty well, at least.

Juxta_Cut · 458 points · Posted at 01:29:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I don't even know why he should be embarrassed to begin with. That underwear was almost down to his knees.

Redshirt489 · 70 points · Posted at 02:48:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I played basketball growing up, I think the long boxers are his jockstrap/cup holder. But I may be wrong...

mandyrooba · 58 points · Posted at 03:45:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thought they might be sliding shorts

gwaydms · 38 points · Posted at 04:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, that's what they are. Reduces friction on the thighs and prevents basepath rash

Redshirt489 · 5 points · Posted at 16:09:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That could be it too

KJdkaslknv · 62 points · Posted at 05:53:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

They aren't normal underwear, they are specifically for baseball. They hold a cup and are padded in the thighs to prevent rashes from sliding.

liltwinstar2 · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao. I was picturing Mormon underwear and thought, wow, that guy is dedicated!

major84 · 8 points · Posted at 05:50:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

boxer shorts, the comfiest of all underwear

Sharkfartsp · 110 points · Posted at 01:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean honestly.. With that body he has nothing to be embarrassed of. Plus his underwear are down to his knees so they’re basically just a second pair of tight pants.

quadraticog · 42 points · Posted at 03:52:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anyways, everyone was focused on his magnificent mullet.

gwaydms · 41 points · Posted at 05:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, there wasn't any nudity. It was just his brain on autopilot from sliding practice.

Years later someone asked Lyons about the incident. He acted like he was upset, almost in tears "...it's been rough, you have no idea..." then busts out laughing.

thelonestrangler · 21 points · Posted at 06:43:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

.

gwaydms · 1 points · Posted at 15:12:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes! This is from the MLB Network show about crazy or embarrassing moments.

waraukaeru · 6 points · Posted at 06:30:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That mullet is more embarrassing.

BlowMeWanKenobi · 6 points · Posted at 19:34:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hockey fan here. I don't see a mullet.

waraukaeru · 3 points · Posted at 20:22:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A baseball mullet is just a baby mullet compared to a hockey mullet.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:10:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He seemed to really take it in stride and have a good sense of humor about it.

brimds · 37 points · Posted at 02:23:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I'm hoping it's not the one they mean, because that means it's happened at least twice.

SleepyBananaLion · 28 points · Posted at 02:45:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think he's even that embarrassed. Professional athlete level of fitness, wearing compressions shorts and a cup.

Transasarus_Rex · 56 points · Posted at 02:45:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hot damn that's a good looking man.

Nickle_and_Dimed · 10 points · Posted at 16:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That ass is fabulous.

agirlwholikesit · 18 points · Posted at 03:08:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao the announcer's noises are the best part

thuhnc · 9 points · Posted at 08:13:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He unbuttoned his pants and they fell down

A valiant attempt.

agirlwholikesit · 4 points · Posted at 10:47:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other announcer is just like "huh?" "Hm"

viciousbreed · 18 points · Posted at 03:45:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And they're nice enough to provide a replay, too!

richardsuckler69 · 15 points · Posted at 03:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know how in the sims you can die of embarrassment? That’d be me.

klydefr0gg · 6 points · Posted at 09:09:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's actually adorable

purplehairedpagan · 5 points · Posted at 06:01:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can not believe it's been 28 years since Lyons did it! June 16, 1990

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 06:20:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leave it to a redditor to find the link...LOL. Great link BTW

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 04:12:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually can't bring myself to watch

STARCHILD_J · 3 points · Posted at 20:14:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should watch. It's actually pretty awesome.

ncopp · 2 points · Posted at 06:20:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh hey Dan Petry, met him a few years back, nice guy, still has a great mustache

csoup1414 · 2 points · Posted at 12:41:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love when professional athletes do something silly and absent minded. I don't see it often but it's hilarious to see they're just like us, but more fit and better at stuff.

PM_ME_UR_TURKEYS · 43 points · Posted at 00:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha oh god I would just curl up and beg for death

scienceandcultureidk · 9 points · Posted at 01:18:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not when you now millions a year. Then you laugh

fatmama923 · 32 points · Posted at 01:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some NHL player last season pulled his pants down behind the bench and started drying his thighs off right there in the middle of the rink. It was comical.

DeanOMiite · 12 points · Posted at 01:29:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Steve Lyons did this and he now serves as an analyst for the Red Sox

match304 · 10 points · Posted at 01:20:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Steve Lyons

Ace_Pilot · 8 points · Posted at 01:21:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I believe this is what you’re referring to?

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 04:58:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes. And happy cake day!

gwaydms · 9 points · Posted at 04:54:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Steve Lyons. All he could do was stand there and laugh, because everybody else was.

He had a brain fart and forgot it was an actual game, not practice. You've gotta have a sense of humor to survive that.

alwayshungover · 5 points · Posted at 06:08:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was friends with his daughter! Haven't spoken to her in years, she was so sweet. I had one of my first adult Thanksgiving's (like, we all made the food, no kids, and just us cooks) She didn't really tell people who her dad was, at the time.

Dinanana · 17 points · Posted at 01:18:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did no one link this yet?

dr_toboggan96 · 4 points · Posted at 03:38:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Steve ‘Psycho’ Lyons. Current analyst for the Boston Red Sox and NESN

Rustmutt · 3 points · Posted at 07:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God this reminds me of the time I went to a hotel pool and started taking off my clothes I was wearing over my suit. When I got to my suit I just kept going. Almost got my top off and my mom’s like “...What are you doing?”

KrazyKoi · 2 points · Posted at 06:08:19 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Olay, is this even possible? Reading your comment gave me deja vu, and without looking I actually knew the replies?? How is this possible

alwayshungover · 2 points · Posted at 05:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

No way Lyons got mentioned! I worked with his daughter! We were friends for a couple of years. She was pretty embarrassed by that action, but her dad had a show on ESPN, and nsync played, and JT shouted out to her, when she was a teen, and she about swooned herself to death, the way she described it.

He also told the nation that his daughter had cankels, and she told me that she was so self-conscious that she never wore anything but full pants from then on. I never saw her in anything but that. I did also watch her turn three cartwheels in a row, win at darts every time, and she's a bad ass. I miss her.

Edit: I don't think she's unwell, or something, we just haven't seen each other in years.

A_Prickly_Cactus · 2 points · Posted at 02:32:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Steve Lyons, Chicago White Sox.They were playing the Tigers, and I was a huge fan growing up in Michigan. I remember this happening.

EDIT: I don't remember things as well as I think I do, it seems.

leachos · 1 points · Posted at 09:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If only there was a site on the web that housed videos, then this would have been easy to find and provide a link.

RegretKills0 · 1 points · Posted at 11:53:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love Steve Lyons, good head o hair

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

they dont call him psycho for nothing folks

sadmadmen · 34 points · Posted at 00:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've also 100% gotten turned around at my noon/lunch break at work and gotten my shit packed and ready to leave. Only to realize how stupid I and and start unpacking

_skank_hunt42 · 11 points · Posted at 00:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually park in the office parking lot but occasionally (maybe once a month) it’s full and I have to find street parking. Street parking is in the exact opposite direction as the parking lot. Nearly every time this happens I forget until I get all the way to the lot, then I have to make the walk of shame back past my office to the street parking.

spacepiraatril · 44 points · Posted at 00:56:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband has done something like this. Taking off his belt to go through the scanner at the airport. Belt off. Pants must be coming off as well.

I now make sure he stops stripping every time we fly.

martianwhale · 21 points · Posted at 01:04:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He is just well prepared for the next step of TSA.

SonOfDenny · 5 points · Posted at 01:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this! The early bird flights plus an hour drive to the airport with no coffee.

Thank god for TSA pre check now. I auto pilot my way in to the plane and sleep for a couple hours.

omnilynx · 2 points · Posted at 06:10:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I last flew the TSA precheck line was longer than the regular line.

SonOfDenny · 2 points · Posted at 12:05:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup. That is the case more often than not now. Especially in the small/mid sized airports. It's still more convenient since I don't have to take shit out of my bag or strip.

shhhushnow · 3 points · Posted at 07:50:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

First belt then pants - makes perfect sense!

TheBrontosaurus · 19 points · Posted at 00:32:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The three year old I nanny does this too. Are you sure you’re not a preschooler?

margotgo · 14 points · Posted at 00:53:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar at a job when I was a teen. Walked into the back room at the end of my shift, took off my apron, untucked my shirt, then started to take it off right as my friend was rounding the corner. Her "uh... what are you doing?" snapped me out of it. Luckily it was a friend and not one of the boys or managers who would never have let me live down accidentally flashing them my bra.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 01:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this. I went to school out of state and flew home ever so often, I was in the airport, zoned out, in the security line, I had grabbed an items bucket, started taking my jacket off, then my shoes, then my belt, unbuttoned my pants, started pulling them down and right when I started to get to a dangerous point I glanced up and made eye contact with a Male TSA agent who was all wide eyed and shaking his head "No" .

I instantly snapped out of it, realized where I was, re-buttoned my pants. And made a couple of casual glances around to see if any one saw.

KaiRaine · 8 points · Posted at 05:14:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid, I went through a phase where I wore lots of dresses (with frills and poofy skirts). I didn't like sitting on the skirts though, because it was always so lumpy. So when I'd go to sit down, I'd pull the back of my skirt out--not enough to reveal anything, just enough to not sit on the skirt. Basically, the same motion I'd make when sitting down on a toilet.

One day, sitting down for dinner, I pulled up my skirt and pulled down my underwear before sitting down.

BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG · 1 points · Posted at 20:05:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this is amazing.

Americookie · 8 points · Posted at 01:03:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This didnt happen to be called ram ranch by any chance, did it?

DangerDamage · 2 points · Posted at 10:53:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

28 US MARINES PULLIN UP IN BLACK FORD RAPTOR TRUCKS

Americookie · 2 points · Posted at 15:31:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BIG THROBBING COCKS READY TO FUCK

shhhushnow · 1 points · Posted at 07:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha no sorry, as others have guessed I'm in the UK

Dandanplatypus · 5 points · Posted at 01:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done something similar, I was at work and I went to the bathroom to take a shit. After a few moments I catch myself in the stall not only with my pants down, but my shirt off too.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 06:55:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How else does one take a shit?

Tay0214 · 5 points · Posted at 01:10:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost did this after taking my belt off in airport security Unbuttoned my jeans and was like whoooooanope

ReadTwo · 5 points · Posted at 01:09:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Boots and pants and boots and pants"

begins to dance and tease

Coldricepudding · 3 points · Posted at 06:24:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I put on my shoes and started to leave my house before I realized I hadn't put on any pants.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 07:57:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Haha i did something similar.

When i get home i take off my "outside" pants immediately and put sweatpants on.

So one day i get to my girlfriends and after coming inside the door and having taken my shoes and jaket off, while i was talking to her, with her roommates in the room, i just took off my pants, folded them like i always do and put them over her chair.

Just to realise, that i talked to her and her friends, while i fucking removed my pants and folded them like its the most normal thing to do.

I tried to play it cool and motioned to her to go into her room (thankfully i remembered to take my pants with me).

She bursted out laughing and her friends were super confused...

She thought i was super horny at first and just forgot her friends were there and then was just like "what the fuck is he doing" since i folded them and just casually talked with them.

It was a weird day.

shhhushnow · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You played it cool - I think you probably got away with it!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:15:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, they still sometimes joke about it, but reddit told me i successfully executed a power move... so i guess that counts :D

Speerjagerin · 3 points · Posted at 01:08:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have weird autopilot moments and sometimes when I'm out and about I have a sudden fear that I forgot to put bottoms on (especially when I wear shorts) and have to look down and check.

mikeno1lufc · 3 points · Posted at 01:15:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this before. You're not alone.

shhhushnow · 1 points · Posted at 07:54:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks my friend, pants solidarity!

phoenixrising13 · 3 points · Posted at 01:29:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done something similar! I worked with a volunteer group where we wore uniforms and typically we'd go to the locker room to change, but since I was always there early I'd get lazy and change in our office.

One day after we finished I walked into the office with a group of volunteers and just started undressing. That's when I got a little more strict with myself about protocol

funkwumasta · 3 points · Posted at 01:31:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this when my wife's female friends were staying at our place. I always strip down to boxers when I get home and just did it without thinking. Luckily we're all pretty close and they laughed it off.

sklein28 · 3 points · Posted at 01:44:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband did this while going through airport security. Granted, he had to take his belt off and put it through. Then he unbuttoned and unzipped. He didn’t even realize until I asked what on earth he was doing.

soyjix · 3 points · Posted at 01:58:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to comment something similar, hah. In elementary school when taking off snow gear I took my socks off and began taking my jeans off and I caught myself before I actually took them off but I remember being mortified.

cosmic_condiments · 3 points · Posted at 03:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I often think if that ever happens in the security lines at the airport. It's almost happened to me before

icyangel2666 · 3 points · Posted at 04:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol I think I've done something like that. I can't remember what specifically but I started taking more clothes off then what I was supposed to do, and I stopped and thought, wait a minute!

Echuserangmaganda · 2 points · Posted at 01:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanna see that.

NoNeedForAName · 2 points · Posted at 02:23:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing in middle school getting geared up for football practice. Went into the locker room and stripped down completely before I realized where I was.

itsabrd · 2 points · Posted at 03:22:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this a few times at work as i was going for my lunch break.

littlebithippy · 2 points · Posted at 04:38:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my wax place I always take off my pants and underwear when I get in the room.... Well one day the lady was rushing me and I started to take everything off and was like...oh..woops..

ElegantFaraday · 2 points · Posted at 05:13:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahaha this is the funniest comment I have seen on Reddit. I wish I had gold to give you. I died holy shit

shhhushnow · 1 points · Posted at 08:06:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! There's some other pretty hilarious stories here too - who knew so many of us were autopantsers!

stillpissedatyoko · 2 points · Posted at 05:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done something similar! I’ve worked in Italian restaurants for a while which means I always wear a long black apron and button down shirt. Twice now, I’ve been standing at the bar after my shift and started unbutton my shirt instead of untying my apron. I got it all the way down once (thankfully I wore a tank top that day).

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 2 points · Posted at 05:29:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in the day I went with some friends to see Braveheart, which is a LOOOOOONG movie. Afterwards, my friend Joe and I quickly headed ro the bathroom because we had planned our beverages poorly for such a long movie. we were talking animatedly about the film and then we patted ways, with him going into the men's room and me going into the ladies' room.

Or so I thought. I was a good 5 or 6 paces into the bathroom when it dawned on me I could still hear him talking. I spun around to see him actually unbuckling his pants. I yelled his name and he froze instantly, and then ran for his life. Like, I have no memory of him leaving because that's how fast he fled. I lost my shit, thankfully not literally. I was still laughing when I exited the ladies' room (which was full of women).

shhhushnow · 2 points · Posted at 08:08:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha! I'm imagining a puff of dust in his wake like in Roadrunner cartoons

taoshka · 2 points · Posted at 07:41:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I literally have nightmares about doing this!

TheBopist · 2 points · Posted at 08:47:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

20,000 upvote baby!

shhhushnow · 2 points · Posted at 09:09:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a wild ride!

00Martin · 2 points · Posted at 12:13:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happens to me regularly, i undress and remove my suit when back home after work and put my regular clothes on and then for no reason im starting to remove my regular clothes off too just after putting them and im like, wait wtf that's not what i wanted to do.

agni_ka · 2 points · Posted at 13:14:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came to office - where I was working as the receptionist. By my desk I removed my sport shoes in order to change them into heals, instead of that I took off shoes and my trousers down till the knees.... nobody was there at that time but the cameras....

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 13:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

homestead

I wish this word was far more popular, I love it

shhhushnow · 1 points · Posted at 09:34:42 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a great word! I was going to go with farmhouse but then I thought no, it's time for something a little different

kiwiloverbutallergic · 1 points · Posted at 08:27:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you George?

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 11:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My high school English teacher told us he once did this in second grade.

Reddidiot20XX · 1 points · Posted at 15:47:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

unzips pants

Gloob_Patrol · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha in drama at school we had to take our shoes off when we came in and there were multiple times where I would take my shoes of and start unbuttoning my blouse/dress like oop shoes off must mean getting changed for PE or bed.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 01:13:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Show bob and vegana

Collagefratguybreifs · -8 points · Posted at 01:09:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should cum on my reddit and see what you can find😘

Twokindsofpeople · 27490 points · Posted at 22:25:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

"have a good day sir."

"Love you too."

Awkward shuffle out of Panera.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 8300 points · Posted at 22:37:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

The horror!

First time I met my exes sister, she went “Hi, I’m [sister], how’s you?” And I said “thanks”

Spire · 2175 points · Posted at 01:02:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“How's you”?

thatguywithawatch · 2352 points · Posted at 01:30:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks.

ethanialw · 289 points · Posted at 02:45:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

NEXT.

iamthepixie · 84 points · Posted at 04:26:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seeing a reminder of that dumb lady makes em Laugh ! All for a damned church van

SeriousPenguinIssues · 51 points · Posted at 04:44:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's like sharing memories of the wacko distant relative. Ahhh, reddit memories.

WqrriorCow · 10 points · Posted at 08:12:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I'm not the only one 😂

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 08:04:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[removed]

MadMasei · 1 points · Posted at 11:22:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
dominickster · 10 points · Posted at 06:19:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you, next.

wolfman86 · 3 points · Posted at 11:14:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s for a church honey.

tokyobunny99 · 2 points · Posted at 18:51:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I;m bloc u

giantmantisshrimp · 1 points · Posted at 11:25:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay, How's you?

n0x630 · 7 points · Posted at 07:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this meta? Am I learning?

BirdsSmellGood · 15 points · Posted at 08:42:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, you'll see what true meta is when it happens. This is just the classic Reddit Repeat™ after a comment with an interaction has been made.

ninjabatmanface · 3 points · Posted at 10:15:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love you too!

HoodedPotato · 1 points · Posted at 16:53:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love your username! Is there any story behind it?

thatguywithawatch · 2 points · Posted at 18:00:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well thank you! Not really much of a story haha. I always wear a wristwatch and when I made my reddit account I couldn't think of anything clever so I went with this.

HoodedPotato · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:28 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, even if it’s not a crazy epic story that sparked an idea for your username, it’s still a story! So thanks for sharing!

Jason_Steven · 1 points · Posted at 19:51:44 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

You made lol too hard.

lolkdrgmailcom · 1 points · Posted at 21:30:40 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

You were just in time for that one. Username checks out.

SirBurp · 7 points · Posted at 15:34:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why use more words less do trick?

JonesBee · 3 points · Posted at 07:56:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of Sal the garbage man in Futurama.

sugarmagzz · 6 points · Posted at 08:05:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Howsers are yousers.

sluttyankles · 6 points · Posted at 05:23:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think he meant to write how's 'bout you maybe?

[deleted] · 26 points · Posted at 07:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or, like my English students:

Me: How are you doing?

Student: No.

CSKING444 · 8 points · Posted at 09:03:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My usual reply to friends: How am I doing what?

doppleron · 1 points · Posted at 13:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, I'm not all up in your grill!

WeekndNachos · 6 points · Posted at 06:14:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No my coworker says, “How’s you?”.

Isaac0414 · 11 points · Posted at 06:58:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks.

HelloIAmAStoner · 7 points · Posted at 06:27:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"How's I what?"

VanishKohosh · 4 points · Posted at 07:20:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How's you doin??

HelloIAmAStoner · 3 points · Posted at 08:03:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"How's I doin what???" ;)

zerophyll · 2 points · Posted at 22:12:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi I'm sister how's you

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How’s you doin???? OOOOOOHHHHH, welcome to Brooklyn you stuupid fuuck!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:28:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How's you is fine in some parts. I'd actually go for a "how's yourself?"

virgin_screwdriver · 89 points · Posted at 22:56:54 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

On that same note, I have a history of introducing myself to the same people multiple times. I never realize I’ve done it again until they’re shaking my hand while staring at me like I’ve grown a second head. It’s never not awkward.

deathbydoughnut · 76 points · Posted at 02:43:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a minor super power that I'm completely forgettable in social situations. Mostly because I'm an introvert and I don't stay long. There have been times in my life that people, like friends of friends, have introduced themselves to me upwards of five times.

made-of-questions · 32 points · Posted at 05:51:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You would make an excellent spy!

l3ananaStand · 13 points · Posted at 05:08:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens to me too!

just_execute · 4 points · Posted at 13:42:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yea, I definitely have the same. Which leads to me never being sure if I should introduce myself to someone on the second/third time meeting them (especially if the previous introduction was short), and spending the entire time second-guessing whether they have any idea who I am...

Narcissistic_nobody · 9 points · Posted at 05:44:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Next time that happens just say ypure /u/virgin_screwdriver's twin brother.

bigtimpn · 21 points · Posted at 07:39:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Meeting my girlfriends extended family.. “hey I’m Tim, I’m Caitlins girlfriend”.

(I’m a guy)

werekitty93 · 14 points · Posted at 12:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a store and helped an old lady out, who was very kind and said thank you. I went to say "you're welcome" and "no problem" but unfortunately I firmly said "You're problem" and walked away as quickly as I could.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 14 points · Posted at 12:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This just reminded me of that post where someone was playing some kind of sport and accident hurt someone. They tried to say “I’m so fucking sorry!” and “are you okay?” And instead screamed “Are you fucking sorry!”

werekitty93 · 10 points · Posted at 12:39:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not gonna lie, when I said it to the lady, that story is exactly what I thought of

TeCoolMage · 11 points · Posted at 05:21:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Long time no see” “you too”

Cransrax · 10 points · Posted at 05:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m feeling thank you

OjamaBoy · 10 points · Posted at 09:32:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when meeting a coworker, he introduced himself to me by walking over with an outstretched arm and saying “Dan”. My name is also Dan, I assumed he’d been told about me, so I responded by shaking his hand and saying “Yeah”.

Rayted · 10 points · Posted at 11:53:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

The one that always catches me is;

Me: “Hey X, how are you?

Some bastard: “I’m good.”

Me: “Good, thanks!”

Firstly because I’m an idiot but secondly because that Person didn’t even ask. EDIT: Formatting

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 12:28:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How rude! Honestly, it’s common courtesy.

Helverus · 9 points · Posted at 04:29:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And that's why she's your ex?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 14 points · Posted at 11:11:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No he’s my ex because he didn’t know where my uterus was

BoringNectarine · 2 points · Posted at 11:25:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uterus?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 7 points · Posted at 12:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on my period and he said something hurt and as I always do when I’m on my period, I said “my uterus hurts” and he didn’t know where it was.

If the question was “what the fuck is a uterus?” It’s a womb. Uterus is more fun to say. Uterus.

BITCHES_DIG_KARMA · 4 points · Posted at 11:47:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

guess she likes it deep

BUYTBUYT · 8 points · Posted at 05:38:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I'm feeling thank you"

i-love-cheeeese · 16 points · Posted at 05:10:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy birthday! Thanks, you too.

MassaF1Ferrari · 5 points · Posted at 05:12:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

ThatOneGayDude · 3 points · Posted at 08:23:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you didn't say "Thanks, I hate it". You did...OK.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 8 points · Posted at 11:14:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg I’d break up with him then and there if I did that

“How’s you?”

“Thanks, I hate it.”

“...”

stuffing bread sticks in my purse “I have to leave right now immediately.”

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 13:22:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I‘m always afraid to use the wrong term in any situation like this.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 13:36:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

how’s you

...

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 7 points · Posted at 13:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lot of people have had a problem with this. It’s an English thing.

Edit: By English, I mean British. I realised this may look like I mean an English language thing.

moderin95 · 7 points · Posted at 14:50:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a person who grew up half her life in Northern Ireland I find it so bizarre that people haven’t heard the term “how’s you?” before. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my family say a full “how are you” it’s ALWAYS “how’s you” 😂

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 15:55:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lot of my English friends say it but not a lot of my Scottish ones.

I’m Scottish and where I grew up it’s just a head tilt and “alright” and in return you get another head tilt and “alright”.

In England it’s always “hows you?” Or something similar

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 20:44:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How's you or how's yersel are my two greetings.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 14:01:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am British, my friend says it sometimes, but in a playful way.

pleuvoir_etfianer · 2 points · Posted at 17:18:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favorite one by far.

How did your exes sister respond? Hopefully a good-hearted laugh.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:12:44 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha yea she was a good sport. I kind of face palmed and went “sorry, brain fart.” and she laughed and said something like “I’ve been there.” She was nice, I liked her.

misssoci · 2 points · Posted at 09:40:23 on December 31, 2018 · (Permalink)

A homeless man once came up to me and my boyfriend as we were waking. He asked for money and my boyfriend responded with “oh, no thank you.”

Purrswhenupvoted · 3 points · Posted at 08:01:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha!

Man, you reply to a bunch of these. You’re amazing. Have a beer 🍻

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 4 points · Posted at 11:13:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I did my best, after about 2 hours I had to stop and go to sleep. Now I have about 1,000 notifications

Purrswhenupvoted · 3 points · Posted at 15:40:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Having your interactions definitely made this an even more enjoyable thread for sure. One of my favs!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 16:04:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww thank you! Glad I could help

Harhailija · 149 points · Posted at 00:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No one told me they loved me when I worked at Panera. :(

Itiswhatitistoo · 118 points · Posted at 01:00:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I loved you when you worked at Panera. The service was so much better. I miss you.

Harhailija · 59 points · Posted at 01:45:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you. All these years I've been waiting and hoping for someone to say that.

B1GTOBACC0 · 50 points · Posted at 05:04:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for your service.

cosmicrystal · 1 points · Posted at 16:18:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

QUESTION is the macaroni really just Nestle??

Sirusi · 2 points · Posted at 22:01:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk but it's still fucking delicious.

Twokindsofpeople · 7 points · Posted at 08:16:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone loved and appreciated you, they were just too scared to tell you.

TheDrachen42 · 2 points · Posted at 19:37:50 on December 31, 2018 · (Permalink)

I loved you too. The lemonade has been awful since you left.

SassyChickenNugget · 111 points · Posted at 01:01:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh, one time I responded with “ranch dressing” when I was asked what I wanted to drink. I wanted to disappear. I mean, I have a fetish-like love for ranch dressing but no one else needed to know.

floatingwithobrien · 50 points · Posted at 01:29:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my roommate ordered "a cherry limeade and ranch to dip it in." It was the end of her order and she had just remembered she wanted ranch for something else.

KingOfTheBritons96 · 13 points · Posted at 07:26:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out

SassyChickenNugget · 7 points · Posted at 13:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the first time anyone has ever said that to me, and for some reason I feel really proud.

clichebot9000 · 10 points · Posted at 07:26:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit cliché noticed: Username checks out

Phrase noticed: 516 times.

[deleted] · 64 points · Posted at 01:12:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this but instead of a guy at Panera, it was the guy I had just been on a date with. A first date. Getting out of his car triggered "love you, bye."

moonzovermyhammy · 24 points · Posted at 04:09:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was there a second date?

[deleted] · 39 points · Posted at 04:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There were many but years later I heard he would tell everyone about the crazy girl who told him she loved him after he drove her home 🤷‍♀️

Isaac0414 · 13 points · Posted at 07:02:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's pretty adorable if anything. I would laugh about it with you rather than being negative on a slip up.

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 07:18:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right? He didn’t seem to have the “love you, bye” ingrained in him and chose to be weirded out. I guess I should feel bad he didn’t have loveyoubye in his life.

doppleron · 2 points · Posted at 13:53:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dodged a bullet.

MrBuckstar · 14 points · Posted at 05:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Classic Schmosby

Poldark_Lite · 10 points · Posted at 05:37:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My roommate at university did this once. She was so embarrassed she wouldn't talk to the poor guy the next time he called. I had to explain that she was the kind who was emotional about leaving us for a short holiday (there were 6 of us in the house) and he was patient enough to wait it out.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 16:20:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a girl do this after I dropped her off at her place, she immediately ran inside and was dying of embarrassment for the rest of the day. Plot twist, I ended up marrying that girl, so the moral of the story is if you accidentally say "I love you," just marry the person.

Drakenstein99 · 40 points · Posted at 04:16:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

wobwobwob42 · 31 points · Posted at 05:34:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first time at a funeral. In the reception line saying our condolences, my brain short circuits and I say "congratulations" while shaking the widow's hand...

Awkward!

Dont-Fear-The-Raeper · 17 points · Posted at 07:21:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've told this sorry before, but here goes:

My father's mate had lost his wife a month earlier, and he had decided to start socialising at the pub again.

One near deaf mate saw him and approached. "Ah, haven't seen you in a while! You been away?"

The poor bloke took a deep breath. "Nah, my wife died."

The deaf bloke looked around and then back to him. "That's nice". Took a swig of beer, and started talking to somebody else.

doppleron · 3 points · Posted at 13:57:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that! Got a death stare from the mom. Started to apologise but realised there's no fixing this.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 14:53:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my gosh. I had an awkward funeral encounter, too. Extending my condolences to the grieving widow, she thanks me for attending the funeral.

"Oh, no problem at all!" I proclaim in my most chipper and enthusiastic voice.

Walked away face-palming. Yes, Widow, your husband's death was no inconvenience to me at all, thanks for [not] asking.

[deleted] · 31 points · Posted at 04:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s like when you’re at the movie theater and they say “enjoy the movie!” And you say “you too!”

Fireball9782 · 5 points · Posted at 17:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn it I did that last week.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 17:32:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do it every time without fail

nazyjane · 28 points · Posted at 04:24:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on phones all day and have gotten that a few times. “Thank you for calling!” “Love you too bye!” I wonder how they feel when they hang up!

UX_KRS_25 · 6 points · Posted at 09:35:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You have made their day. Keep doing this and be a force of good! :)

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 13:48:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've almost said "love you too" enough times now that whenever I'm on the phone with anyone I have to consciously think about how I'm going to end the call... because there is no reason to end most of my calls with "love you." Idk why it's so automatic!

doppleron · 2 points · Posted at 13:55:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just laugh a go on with my day. People are funny!

wobwobwob42 · 1 points · Posted at 15:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just keep reading comments, I'm positive they will be posting here

well-great · 1 points · Posted at 15:39:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh. I did this with the head manager at work. Like top of our store. It was during the holidays, so super busy, and I was talking to them on their store phone and I ended it with "alright, thanks so much. Love you!"

I don't blush but I couldnt stop then. He never mentioned it.

mermaldad · 23 points · Posted at 05:41:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mine was similar. I was apparently expecting "have a nice day," but he said, "come back soon!"

I replied with, "you too."

Awkward pause, then, "Yeah, I work here."

Sundaydriving1 · 42 points · Posted at 04:25:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a teacher, the other day in the hallway:

Me: hey buddy, how's it going?

Kindergartener: The bathroom.

floatingwithobrien · 18 points · Posted at 01:27:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it's Panera you gotta lean into it. Everyone knows you love that shit for reals

garden_idol · 20 points · Posted at 03:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed so hard at this my husband told me I was ruining the movie he's watching.

EvangelineTheodora · 17 points · Posted at 05:05:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a call center, and once had a guy say "love you, bye" before we disconnected. The accident made my day a little brighter.

LaneRPcomics · 18 points · Posted at 04:01:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We get it, you have people who love you.

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 05:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said “I love you” to a job interviewer once. I was just so happy to be hired. R/supercringe

doppleron · 3 points · Posted at 14:01:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I look to opportunities to say ""I love you" to strangers. Don't want to end up in jail or get in a fight, bu strangely, few people react at all.

SilverTeaSpoonGalore · 16 points · Posted at 07:00:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To add on to this. My girlfriend once told me that she loved me to which I replied "God bless you"

We both stared at each other confused

sistersloth · 14 points · Posted at 04:31:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in fast food and I purposely say "have a great meal!" and they always respond "you too"

Huntererererer · 12 points · Posted at 03:39:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Good Evening."

"Good Morning!"

...

=,=

TheMaenad · 12 points · Posted at 05:21:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Panera, I was trained to wait until you pick your pastry for 99 cents first, then we can declare our undying love for each other.

BrittanyBallistic · 10 points · Posted at 04:35:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Here you go, enjoy your movie ma'am"

"Thanks you too!" Smh

Dont-Fear-The-Raeper · 5 points · Posted at 07:17:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked in a video store. A lady walked in one day, I looked up to greet her. "Thanks!" I said, then ran away and quietly died.

StuTim · 12 points · Posted at 06:29:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a flight attendant. A lot of the gate agent and grind personnel will say "have a good flight!" Just before we close the door. My dumbass can't help but to say "you too!" As I close the door. 6 years in and I'm getting the hang of it. I think I'm down to doing it only 70% of the time.

jinantonyx · 10 points · Posted at 03:31:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welp, that's the last time you go to Panera.

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 14 points · Posted at 05:20:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Love tou too!"

"FUCK now I can't come here anymore!"

LaxLimbutts · 9 points · Posted at 04:07:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm just picturing you waddling out of Panera like Dr. Zoidberg

catindahat1 · 10 points · Posted at 07:26:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve totally done that or answered in a totally different line. Or when you the convo goes like this:

Me: how are you? Them: well, how are you? Me: I’m well, how about you?

I did that in the beginning of a super important job interview once. You better believe I was flustered from then on out.

WORDS ARE HARD

42pickledleggs · 9 points · Posted at 07:55:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often just say “love you” in my goodbyes with shop keepers/taxi drivers etc. Often it will make them laugh and brighten their day :)

pueblopub · 1 points · Posted at 22:29:52 on January 31, 2019 · (Permalink)

I love you!!

42pickledleggs · 2 points · Posted at 22:30:21 on January 31, 2019 · (Permalink)

I love you more!

ummmily · 8 points · Posted at 02:30:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband did that to the lady at the gas station!

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 04:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

doppleron · 3 points · Posted at 14:05:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zactly! Most people are at least occasionally goofy, no big deal.

Shunsy · 9 points · Posted at 05:05:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a convenience store and we're required to thank the customers for stopping. One day at a grocery store, the cashier was handing me my bags and said, "thank you!" And I said thank you for stopping! I walked the heck away from there!

wwb1990 · 9 points · Posted at 05:23:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this with a coworker.... awkward....

doppleron · 1 points · Posted at 14:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Naw, dont let it be!

Mattekat · 8 points · Posted at 07:51:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say I love you at the end of most phone conversations since I'm used to mostly talking to my parents on the phone. I've now told the pizza guy and my boss that I love them...

purutiger · 8 points · Posted at 09:18:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

My local grocery guy (who does home delivery)

Me: Do you have coke or Pepsi?

Grocery guy: I have Pepsi.

Me: Can you please deliver 2 bottles?

GG: of course! My delivery person will be there is 15 minutes sir.

Me: thank you

GG: welcome sir

Me: love you too!


My neighbour's wife on call to me.

Neighbor's wife: I just collected your Amazon parcel. I can come around to give it to you if you're there.

Me: of great! Thanks! I am home.

NW: ok will be there in 10 mins

Me: thank you! Appreciate it!

NW: no problem!

Me: love you too!

My wife is always in splits before I am about finish phone conversation with anyone now!!

Edit: a word

SSU1451 · 6 points · Posted at 05:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just called a manly looking woman sir today. I yelled it too. Only I was the one at work and she was the customer so I couldn’t escape.

vahdkasoder · 6 points · Posted at 05:46:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at a show store and it was super busy and instead of telling the next customer I was ready to ring them up, I just screamed “Welcome to Shamous Sootwear!” In there faces. I died a bit inside.

hemeny123 · 5 points · Posted at 04:25:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Enjoy your meal! You too!

nathanweisser · 5 points · Posted at 04:31:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kind of want to start doing this on purpose

HedgehogDilemma · 3 points · Posted at 08:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right? Just spread the love

fall0ut · 5 points · Posted at 06:40:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love you too... Literally every time I am getting off the phone with anyone.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is me.

micasubs · 5 points · Posted at 06:41:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid I went trick or treating and instead of saying Trick or Treat I said “You’re welcome”

WolfofNothing · 5 points · Posted at 07:10:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

clerk blushes intensely, no longer able to meet your gaze

swrundeep · 3 points · Posted at 04:25:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that to a female coworker (im also female) once because it felt like talking to my sister.

TheRedLego · 4 points · Posted at 04:32:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now I know this can happen, it will inevitably happen to me.

thepeculiarkitten · 5 points · Posted at 06:25:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This lesson has taught me that I really should try talking to other people on the phone so it isn't my default phrase when I hang up v.v

No-DNA · 3 points · Posted at 06:32:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone does this, best thing to do is laugh it off with mr. Panera.

jbl0ggs · 4 points · Posted at 06:54:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Airline ticket counter rep: Have a good flight

Me: You too

:o

underwear11 · 5 points · Posted at 07:32:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always love the "Happy Birthday" "You Too". Almost every birthday someone in our family does it. Mind you, none of us have the same birthday.

CGoode87 · 3 points · Posted at 05:50:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this more than once getting off the phone with some of my apartment residents. I usually start laughing right away, realizing my error. Most my residents know better than to think I'm serious.

UndeadKurtCobain · 3 points · Posted at 06:36:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to say I love you too when someone insults me I’ve done similar things to you as a result

smashley951 · 3 points · Posted at 07:38:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had strep throat and was finally getting medicine for it. Walking away from the pharmacist and he says something along the lines of "hope you feel better soon." To which I replied, "thanks you too"

kharmatika · 3 points · Posted at 11:25:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh. Worst I’ve done in that front was I accidentally called the cashier at Dublin “babe”. I wish I could have played it off cool, too, like that’s just a thing I call people like some movie character in the 90’s, but I paused, blanched, and it was very clear that it was awkward. My boyfriend didn’t let me live it down.

KleverGuy · 3 points · Posted at 12:06:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

BenAdams22 · 2 points · Posted at 09:02:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter: “have a nice meal.”

Me:”you to.”

Cryingbabylady · 2 points · Posted at 09:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandmother just said “bye have a good trip!” And I said “you too.”

She’s not going on a trip.

Shizzzler · 2 points · Posted at 10:15:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the airport security check: "thank you, have a nice flight!"

-Thanks, you too!

slater124 · 2 points · Posted at 11:57:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's why my response to "Have a good day." is "Il try."

They always force us to have a good day..

Reedrbwear · 3 points · Posted at 04:19:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BREAD COMPANY- screams St. Louis

Sweet_eboni · 1 points · Posted at 04:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guilty of that as well

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have probably done this so many times without realizing it shudder

sextonm36 · 1 points · Posted at 06:26:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! I've done this!

wanderups · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You too and stuff https://youtu.be/Suv4p9MwfwU

hyp3rj123 · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can never go back there...

swifty300 · 1 points · Posted at 07:40:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is more awkward than the flower store scene from The Room

https://youtu.be/aNv-tH0Vmik

license2kuehl · 1 points · Posted at 09:07:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At that point, you just wink and blow a kiss

kc_mod · 1 points · Posted at 11:49:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plenty of times.

TheeOr3 · 1 points · Posted at 12:00:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know what they say.. love at first sandwich

buddhaMike_reup · 1 points · Posted at 12:18:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spread that love! Nothing embarrassing here

keikee · 1 points · Posted at 12:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omgosh, funniest thing ever!

lightsintheair05 · 1 points · Posted at 12:29:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've definitely done this.

not_flexy · 1 points · Posted at 12:50:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done something similar. Except I said “thank you sir” to a lady and walked out.

Beverlydriveghosts · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favourite one I fucking love it. Makes me giggle

GatorAutomator · 1 points · Posted at 12:58:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My co-worker told me he loved me while ending the call once. I knew it was a habit thing and acted like I didn't notice, still funny though.

garnished_fatburgers · 1 points · Posted at 13:19:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Should have owned it and winked at the cashier

Tanjello · 1 points · Posted at 13:20:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this on the phone once at work. I had just gotten off the phone with my boyfriend(now husband) and my phone rang again right away. It was a client asking for updates on a project I was working on... quickly updated him, he said goodbye, and I said “k love you too” out of habit. Still get red faced when I think about it lol

80_PROOF · 1 points · Posted at 13:29:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep have had a few contractors end our phone conversation with an I love you haha

livin4donuts · 1 points · Posted at 14:10:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever that happens to me I feel like doing the opening scene of Happy on Netflix.

Ren_13 · 2802 points · Posted at 23:49:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting out of my car and went to take a sip of my iced coffee. Unfortunately I put the end of my car key in my mouth instead.

frolicking_elephants · 51 points · Posted at 03:24:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you unlock?

Ren_13 · 19 points · Posted at 03:25:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I locked the car and with my keys in one hand and drink in the other I chose the wrong hand lol

skultux_the_only · 38 points · Posted at 02:21:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

clink

Totally_TJ · 21 points · Posted at 07:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't tell you how many times I've tried to drink out of a pen.

AubinCLemar · 18 points · Posted at 09:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I answered my ringing cellphone by tapping "answer" and then proceeded to put a hookah hose to my fucking ear. I was visibly irritated by the lack of response when my 2 friends in the room started laughing their asses off. Yes I got loaded.

April_Xo · 9 points · Posted at 08:24:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did it taste good at least?

Ren_13 · 8 points · Posted at 08:32:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kinda metaly but delicious none the less.

DustyMustang · 8 points · Posted at 13:25:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit hahaha This reminds me of the time i was driving from SoCal To NorCal. Along the way i stopped for some coffee, got off my car to stretch out a bit stood in line and everything. This Starbucks was pretty empty so I got my joe pretty fast. Here’s the kicker, I grabbed it went to get a straw, crumpled up the little paper wrapper threw it in the trash with my coffee and got back into my car, chewing the straw of course. Smh

swiebe_ · 5 points · Posted at 08:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

GERMS

dinocheese · 6 points · Posted at 11:07:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so excited to get out of my car to get my iced coffee I forgot to put the hand brake on. As I was getting out the car was rolling back. So embarrassing.

loversalibi · 3 points · Posted at 15:26:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

gotta start up the flavor

kharmatika · 3 points · Posted at 17:15:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worst this has ever happened to me happened 3 days ago. Went and got a French dip from Arby’s’s. Took one look at the ya jus, and you guessed it, my brain went “ooh coffee!” And I took a sip of it.

DriftwoodCloud · 3 points · Posted at 19:19:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ince took a bite of my phone cos i had a sandwich in the other hand

Joshifi3d · 2 points · Posted at 19:39:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me rapidly exhale loudly through my nostrils 😂

tortilla11 · 1 points · Posted at 12:43:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to put my car key in my apt door too much.

nohvakayne · 1 points · Posted at 19:05:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favorite one.

matenzi · 1 points · Posted at 19:32:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, I do this, but that's because I run out of hands a lot

Matikinz · -25 points · Posted at 05:07:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh you want some suckey suckey

Iamabrewer · 10015 points · Posted at 22:47:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was taking my belt off at the TSA and then pulled down my pants, got to my ankles and was like, nope, back up!

[deleted] · 4536 points · Posted at 05:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"This concludes my brief mooning. Thank you all for your attention."

payne_train · 174 points · Posted at 10:30:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read this as "morning briefing" which also would have worked

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 14:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mooning briefly

PGDesign · 7 points · Posted at 14:35:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moonflie briefing

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 15:56:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Morning debriefing

samnativeD · 13 points · Posted at 14:11:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

TSA: Okay, keep it moving pal

RoastMyCode · 2 points · Posted at 19:56:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, shake it!

Jrme1315 · 57 points · Posted at 05:47:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😂

PixelPantsAshli · 42 points · Posted at 07:12:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This destroyed me 🤣

G4PRO · 13 points · Posted at 10:44:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  • he said with a dead face
johnny_riko · -7 points · Posted at 10:00:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

WR3CK3D!¿!¿!¿!

slater124 · 6 points · Posted at 11:59:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really ended up showing his fruit of loom today.

62617848t · 6 points · Posted at 14:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lmao explain your handle please

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 14:15:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, Ernest Cline wrote Ready Player One, and I really dislike him and the book, so I want him to eat my ass. It's more of an insult than a sexual request, y'know?

There's more info on my profile, if you are interested.

62617848t · 6 points · Posted at 14:27:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit that poem was awful. If it were written ironically it would be a masterpiece, though. Also can you pleaae further explain how his reliance on nostalgia disturbs the book? I really enjoyed it.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 14:48:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That poem made my tummy hurt, no lie.

The book's plot is incredibly flimsy and poorly written and depends way too much on nostalgia. Remember how one of the challenges was just to recite the entirety of Ferris Bueller. Or how entire passages of the book were just Cline rattling off facts about the 70s, 80s, 90s?

The first chapter of the book is notorious for this. Cline lists: Galaga, Defenders, Asteroids, Robotron, Family Ties, Spiderman, The X-Men, Green Latern, Wade Watts, Clark Kent, and Sesame Street. (I'm using the excerpt on Penguin's website, if you're interested.) Combine those with the rest of the references in the book, which include Ladyhawke, Heathers, Monty Python, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, the Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Howard the Duck, Krull, Highlander, War Games, The Goonies, Firefly, Star Trek, Star Wars, all of the LOTRs, Mad Max, Knight Rider, and eeessshh the list goes on, including movies, TV shows, video games, etc. It would be fine if these references mattered in the broader scope of the book, but 99% don't. They're just Cline nodding to past "geek culture" as a way to get people who experienced those times to like the book by association, rather than having readers like his book because of interesting and heartfelt characters.

Combine this with the fact that Cline writes himself into a corner at numerous points in the book, and then McGuffins himself out. This happens when main character is in a sticky situation with no hope of escape, but suddenly! He has that rock which he bought in an auction a few weeks ago, which advances the plot and helps him survive. I don't have proof, but this plotline reeks of Cline not knowing how to get out of the situation which he himself had written, so he just adds in this brief aside to explain how MC escapes.

And taste is subjective; you're not wrong to like the book, especially if you like and identify with geek culture. I'm just saying that if you removed all of the references, would you still like it? How much of your enjoyment is based on Cline pointing to things you remember and enjoyed yourself?

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 14:54:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God I hate that book. The prose is inexcusable. It's such an insecure nerd fantasy, I've been referring to it as Reddit Player One since I read it

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 14:56:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit Player One

😂

A man after my own heart.

I've resigned myself to doing nothing worthwhile with my life, so I've decided that if I can slowly turn the world against Ernest Cline, I will have served some purpose.

genericm-mall--santa · -1 points · Posted at 17:33:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm just saying that if you removed all of the references, would you still like it?

Sorry but that's a garbage argument.So you remove one of the piece of media's main drawing shtick, and you expect people to still like?Come on now.

This reminds of an "Aquaman" movie review Thats being made fun of in Twitter.Its literally says "Remove Jason Mamoa(the lead) and you'll see the movie isn't that good without". No fucking shit. He's the lead(the guy upon which the god damn movie depends upon).Obviously the movie will suffer when it's most fundamental part isn't even present...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:41:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But if the main draw of a piece of art is references to other pieces of art, what does it have of its own?

UserSM · 7 points · Posted at 09:30:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

r/mooning

Edit: NSFW sub

samzhengpro · 12 points · Posted at 13:18:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

NSFW

Despite what you might expect, r/mooning is NOT a subreddit for the lunar space thing orbiting our planet.

doppleron · 6 points · Posted at 13:43:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not looking. Not looking.

S_E_D · 2 points · Posted at 15:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was just watching Brooklyn 99, read this in Captain Holt's voice.

IAmARussianTrollAMA · 2 points · Posted at 17:55:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

ms-anthrope · 2 points · Posted at 18:05:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LOL I actually laughed out loud at this.

benfml · 3 points · Posted at 06:57:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
musicaldigger · 4 points · Posted at 12:27:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

how is that beetlejuicing?

benfml · 0 points · Posted at 15:31:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

his name has eat my ass in it and he’s talking about mooning someone

Eagleassassin3 · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:39 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello I'm Ernest Cline

lolkdrgmailcom · 1 points · Posted at 21:31:30 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

This guy was sent to many moon nudes and had to delete his name from existence.

[deleted] · 103 points · Posted at 06:56:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar thing, took off my belt then undid my fly and realized “oh no, this isn’t right”... zipped that sucker back up so fast

Narfubel · 25 points · Posted at 08:49:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thankfully I've never made it past the zipper before stopping myself.

ReceivePoetry · 10 points · Posted at 11:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hadn't considered this, but......I wonder how often this happens.

kharmatika · 4 points · Posted at 16:57:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably fairly. How often do you take off your belt as not your pants? I bet they’re used to it

Whitsoxrule · 255 points · Posted at 05:59:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha oh god all the way to your ankles ouch

Side note I fucking love this thread, I love that we can all make fun of the stupid things our dumb monkey brains do and bond over it together

kmallen9 · 92 points · Posted at 06:22:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve never laughed this consistently in a thread before, my ribs are killin

Little_Mel · 30 points · Posted at 06:55:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't even properly laugh because parents are sleeping in the room next to me.

AubinCLemar · 14 points · Posted at 09:22:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tell them to fuck with Reddit.

stillwantthekidsmenu · 36 points · Posted at 06:33:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Autopilot thread are my favorites, always so funny and full of diversity

IAMRaxtus · 11 points · Posted at 09:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right? Someone ought to make a compilation of these, maybe animate it or something too. This is good stuff.

werkytwerky · 6 points · Posted at 12:33:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

these are the exception to the "someone already posted this last week" bitch. Always something new.
And sleep walking threads. Those're always gold.

I_Arted · 61 points · Posted at 07:42:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The last time I flew, I was reaching to fetch my belt again (after being made to remove it), and the same TSA agent tells me to pull my pants up. I'm still confused as to what she expected. Surely she should understand that she made me remove my belt, and belts hold up pants.

[deleted] · 108 points · Posted at 06:56:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

PoiLethe · 45 points · Posted at 09:16:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh gawd! Never be naked under your onesies! If not pjs or pj shorts, at least wear an undershirt so you can take the top of the onesie off when you overheat.

hitlerosexual · 18 points · Posted at 10:06:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How far did you get it off before your brain kicked in?

AubinCLemar · 49 points · Posted at 09:21:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Proceed to explain to TSA that you just "Wanted to make sure this weapon could be on the plane!" Followed by an immediate, and obnoxious pelvic thrust.

paanikam · 7 points · Posted at 12:56:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Agent will be like BAWAHAHAHWHAHAHWHHAHAW

7Seyo7 · 5 points · Posted at 13:31:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

And everyone clapped

9989989 · 2 points · Posted at 22:32:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More like they taze you

Vainity · 28 points · Posted at 08:07:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Shake your hips, wiggle your butt. Drop your pants, pick em back up!"

voltman2008 · 6 points · Posted at 11:07:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Noo, I don't want to drop my pants"

TypeOneAuthor · 22 points · Posted at 06:16:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the plus side, they don’t need to pat you down for illegal contraband.

dusthimself · 14 points · Posted at 10:22:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That happened to a Chicago White Sox baseball player... Except he was on first base. https://youtu.be/QLIpmACBq1g

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 05:42:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the comment I lost it at

StormTheParade · 12 points · Posted at 08:13:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am genuinely terrified I will do this one day LOL

That or unzip my hoodie and absentmindedly continue to remove my shirt, like I do when I get home from work at night lmao

HansumJack · 9 points · Posted at 12:55:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wasn't there to see it, but a university professor of mine once retold a story of him nearly doing this in front of an entire class. He keeps his phone on a belt clip, and his nightly routine begins with taking it out and putting it on his dresser. So in class he took out his phone and set it down, then he started loosening his belt. I think he stopped himself before he got too far.

reddlittone · 7 points · Posted at 09:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuck I'm about to get a flight. I hope to God this doesn't get stuck in my subconscious.

jkingds · 10 points · Posted at 06:46:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair, I don't think you could have continued much further downward.

Griffithead · 4 points · Posted at 09:33:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed so hard my ribs seized up. In pain right now.

PurpleProboscis · 3 points · Posted at 15:36:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, could be worse. You could be the MLB player who did that on live TV when he got dirt in his pants.

slater124 · 3 points · Posted at 11:58:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Other head. "Here, now? Ok!"

brain. "Nope!"

cyatt · 3 points · Posted at 12:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brain: Undoing belt. Launch poop mode!

Orchestral_Design · 1 points · Posted at 07:11:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Huge trud immediately starts to launch out of your butt.

keikee · 3 points · Posted at 12:32:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

🤣😂😆 This might be the funniest thing ever.

baadermeinh0f · 3 points · Posted at 12:54:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I imagine you gave the TSA a big ol' compliance boner that day.

lilnosewhistle · 3 points · Posted at 13:03:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that with a cover up and bathing suit at a public pool

sevolevo · 3 points · Posted at 13:05:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t think I have laughed more at any other reddit commentary. Thank you, kind stranger.

munkdracaena · 3 points · Posted at 13:48:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just made me cry laughing

pumpkin44 · 2 points · Posted at 14:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 15:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have food poisoning and I'm trying desperately not to laugh or I will vomit and start myself but this is good stuff right here

CP2437 · 4 points · Posted at 09:35:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit I was just about to post this... Great minds think alike 😅

nbshar · 2 points · Posted at 09:31:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm honestly afraid to do stupid things like that.

ReceivePoetry · 2 points · Posted at 11:53:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just laughed until tears rolled down my face. Sorry for your cruel autopilot, you should have a talk with it.

Monkeyofdoom44 · 2 points · Posted at 13:09:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this.

ArgentumFlame · 2 points · Posted at 13:15:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going through TSA recently and when I went to undo my belt I automatically undid my fly as well. Nobody said anything and thankfully I was noticed it within a couple minutes but it's funny how the brain just takes over.

VPutinsSearchHistory · 2 points · Posted at 13:20:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's given me such a good laugh

Taiyama · 2 points · Posted at 14:35:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the one that got me.

SadChemistry · 2 points · Posted at 14:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m currently at the airport and I can’t stop giggling about this

HumanKrypto · 2 points · Posted at 14:50:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh for too long man!

Faradrim · 2 points · Posted at 10:07:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As an English person I thought you meant underpants.

Lordchadington · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Power move dude!

9s8UTkpPPxNZq1cr · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:32 on January 16, 2019 · (Permalink)

I've always wished someone would complexly remove their clothes before stepping into the Rapiscan. Just to see what reality would be like if the underwear bomber had won.

Renithrok · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmfao

ThePfhor · 1 points · Posted at 11:02:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally LOLed, thanks hahaha.

LosingLungs · 18209 points · Posted at 22:21:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always running to catch the subway after waiting at the crosswalk in front of the station. Casually walking with my friend in the same area yesterday. Started running when the cross sign lit up. He was like wtf?

exclamation11 · 10103 points · Posted at 00:04:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pavlov's commute

dutch_penguin · 247 points · Posted at 03:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I've heard of that before? Well, it rings a bell anyway.

azianwolfpunk · 140 points · Posted at 03:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

drools

Deivv · 85 points · Posted at 03:49:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

runs

[deleted] · 36 points · Posted at 07:36:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

ethium0x · 43 points · Posted at 07:42:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
╱╱╱╱╱╱╭╮
╱╱╱╱╱╭╯╰╮
╭╮╭┳━┻╮╭╋━━╮
┃╰╯┃┃━┫┃┃╭╮┃
┃┃┃┃┃━┫╰┫╭╮┃
╰┻┻┻━━┻━┻╯╰╯
Spinzel · 24 points · Posted at 05:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turns surgically implanted spigot to capture and measure drool for science

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 06:30:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😱

bicanidae · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Har har har.

witty_ · 38 points · Posted at 05:59:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pavlov's jog?

Soberdetox · 151 points · Posted at 02:01:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This comments fantastic

[deleted] · 23 points · Posted at 04:18:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

metaltrite · -17 points · Posted at 05:46:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
catonic · 2 points · Posted at 07:57:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

DING DING DING!

hurricane1197 · 2 points · Posted at 07:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Explain please ?

Artiquno · 9 points · Posted at 08:10:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_conditioning This is the closest thing i found, but i'm not really sure whether it's what he means

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 08:08:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Zimppe · 1 points · Posted at 20:24:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

thejoke.png

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:56:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Zimppe · 2 points · Posted at 14:59:58 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh fuck sorry mate. looks like i thought you answered to the "it rings a bell comment"

MacDerfus · 58 points · Posted at 02:29:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got good at sprinting when I was taking the train out of SF after work every day.

[deleted] · 35 points · Posted at 08:15:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

PoiLethe · 37 points · Posted at 08:35:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can you imagine the escalation there? Everybody sees you and your friends running so they start running?

"Why are we running?" "I dont know! I think we are being chased!"

Maidhc91 · 6 points · Posted at 14:05:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
[deleted] · 59 points · Posted at 04:59:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just read that while on autopilot and didn’t comprehend any of it.

googol89 · 19 points · Posted at 05:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I still don't comprehend it. Eli5

TheBatisRobin · 53 points · Posted at 05:13:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Runs across street to catch train every day for work. Encounters the street with friend another time. Starts running for no reason on autopilot. Friend is confused.

newguy208 · 13 points · Posted at 05:16:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you!

ragingnoobie2 · 40 points · Posted at 04:02:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I Must Go, My People Need Me” - LosingLungs

angelsandairwaves93 · 8 points · Posted at 05:08:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

User checks out

Loyalist_Pig · 8 points · Posted at 09:34:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trainxiety is a very real thing.

rand652 · 7 points · Posted at 10:39:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When crossing the street in UK I always look at the car traffic light instead of pedestrian and basically cross when it's red and run if it is turning green.

Once I looked at the pedestrian light when already crossing it changed to green and u started running

petlahk · 7 points · Posted at 07:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I run across all crosswalks regardless of whether I'm in a hurry because they really sketch me out.

HoldThisBeer · 11 points · Posted at 08:58:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is it a road? Is it a zebra? It's driving me nuts!

riotmaster256 · 8 points · Posted at 04:03:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a good laugh!

humourless_parody · 5 points · Posted at 05:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dwight?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:24:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh snap

fiddlercrabs · 2 points · Posted at 18:45:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On a similar note of train-induced panic, I can hear the trains pass by from my house, mostly at night when it's quiet. But the sound of the train stopping gives me anxiety because it reminds me of the times I've been late to catch it. Every time I hear it, I get nauseous.

mystique1004 · 1 points · Posted at 09:58:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So fucking funny my gosh 😂

xdrvgy · 1 points · Posted at 12:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, I would definitely do that.

Wobbly_Horse · 1 points · Posted at 15:22:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
yParticle · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:56 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Keep up!"

9s8UTkpPPxNZq1cr · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:45 on January 16, 2019 · (Permalink)

"Follow me! No time to explain!"

justhere4thiss · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks for the laugh hahaha

SunOnTheInside · 2869 points · Posted at 01:09:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reposting my own comment from a few years ago in a similar thread, because I still think this is my best response to this question.

Came into work to work front of house after several extended nights of profound insomnia. I was holding up ok until a gal walks up with a dog in her arms. I always chat people up about their dogs because A. Dogs are awesome and B. people love to talk about their dogs, and often tip a little more when they feel like they've actually connected with you.

Today though... I didn't have two neurons to rub together to break from the script of "hey what can I get you... here's your total... do you want a receipt?" and so I lean over the counter like a drunk, lock my sleep-starved, unfocused googly eyes on this poor lady, and blurt out-

"your dog. Who is he" and then expectantly stare at her like that was a normal and not at all insane thing that I just kinda vomited at her. She kinda stared at me and clutched her dog a little closer and I think I probably went a little cross-eyed and tried to salvage the conversation by talking more. I don't remember what I said but it was definitely not an improvement on the situation. It may not have even been a coherent sentence.

justinecases · 384 points · Posted at 04:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one made me cry laughing. Couldn’t even read it to my bf because I was laughing too hard, which made him laugh harder.

Dollydaydream4jc · 114 points · Posted at 06:34:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. Why is this so funny?

[deleted] · 79 points · Posted at 09:34:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like I can picture this so maybe partly because of how it's written?

carrotpotat · 39 points · Posted at 11:25:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup. Very well written. Written without three nights of insomnia.

TeniBear · 68 points · Posted at 09:34:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s the new “ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!”

Fortherealtalk · 6 points · Posted at 19:07:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This sounds familiar but I can’t remember what the story was. Do you have a link?

AlsoNotaSpider · 17 points · Posted at 19:54:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Fortherealtalk · 2 points · Posted at 10:01:33 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah yes, thank you

hungry_girl_ · 61 points · Posted at 07:08:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. Sitting in my room cackling by myself and bf walks in to see if I’m ok. Couldn’t get a word out so I just hand him my phone to read for himself as I continued to cry tears of laughter.

GreatEscapist · 23 points · Posted at 11:05:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup. Waiting on a flight, had to hand my phone to my bf too because I was crying too hard to read it aloud.

NocturnalMama · 4 points · Posted at 17:46:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg this is me too. Except my husband just thinks I’m insane.

JanetSnarkhole · 116 points · Posted at 05:41:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cannot stop laughing. This is one I'll randomly remember in public and will have to strain not to laugh again

Cattalion · 7 points · Posted at 11:17:26 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Highly likely. Source: me in supermarket car park this morning

JanetSnarkhole · 5 points · Posted at 11:28:35 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

right now, me, getting a notification of this, reading 'your dog, who is he?' again at the airport, chuckling like an idiot to myself

Narwhalinspace · 55 points · Posted at 06:17:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's 12:15 and I'm pretty tired but I just burst out laughing so loud and hard that my stomach hurt.

ZekeLukaBennGallo · 35 points · Posted at 10:18:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i tooted laughing lol

rogerthelodger · 47 points · Posted at 11:33:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, you sound like the terminator.

"Your dog. Who is he. Your clothes. Give them to me."

9989989 · 14 points · Posted at 22:42:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who is your doggie and what does he do

CanLiterallyEven · 3 points · Posted at 10:59:36 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's not a schnauzer!

TheyDontMakeSunday · 46 points · Posted at 05:16:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is hilarious, and I love you for it.

psysium · 45 points · Posted at 06:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've read this before! I laughed until I cried then and I laughed until I cried now. Hopefully this question and your answer pop back up in a few years and I can cry laughing again.

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 06:51:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I read this in the other thread too, and it's just as funny now as it was then.

melwozniak96 · 30 points · Posted at 07:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just made me burst out laughing in the middle of the night. That’s sooo awesome awkward! Do you by any chance remember her reply and how the conversation went afterwards?

SunOnTheInside · 55 points · Posted at 09:29:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Noooo, I have no clue what was said afterwards. Busy place, high customer volume. She and her mysterious dog walked out of my life forever.

I did tell all my coworkers about what happened and they all lost it. We were making “who is he” jokes for weeks

deviousdoyle · 23 points · Posted at 10:16:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve read over 50 of the top voted comments and this is the first one to make me LOL. The scene painted in my mind is comedic genius.

reammachine · 22 points · Posted at 19:37:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

“your dog. Who is he”

This will be how I greet all animals from now on.

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 19:46:39 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

When it loads on the app I use, the thumb is mostly over the top. I read the come to saying it's a Tegu but it hadn't really registered and I was reading the title and looked at the picture and thought "wait that's something scaly. Like a snake or something..." Then I tapped and remembered, and that they were joking

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 19:47:42 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha someone said is this the new "are you sorry" a d it made me want to post that in dog posts if I had come accross one

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 07:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crying and waking up my husband and child at 2:30 am. Thanks!

falderall · 17 points · Posted at 09:23:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm doing the same thing! I can't stop giggling!

cupofbee · 21 points · Posted at 08:17:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sitting here alone in my flat and I'm crying because I laugh so much

Cattalion · 18 points · Posted at 10:43:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in ages

k2on0s · 15 points · Posted at 14:53:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The funny part is when the girl comes home from the bar and stares at her dog thinking “who ARE you?”

zdakat · 2 points · Posted at 19:48:11 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's me, Simba

SavorMySquanch · 10 points · Posted at 13:00:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im sitting at the airport at 5am and this comment just made me laugh really loud. This is incredible.

From the combination of my floofy, unruly hair and sleep deprivation, Im pretty sure this loud laugh in a quiet terminal solidified my craziness to the other people waiting for the same flight.

Mel1o · 12 points · Posted at 09:16:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldn't finish reading before I killed myself laughing. I could barely read this back to him when he asked whay was so funny. I still can't stop hahahaha

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 19:49:16 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Skimmed and got caught a moment on the words. "Wait a sec..."

Mel1o · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:31 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oops! Should have read my comment before posting it! I was trying to say that my husband asked me what was so funny, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't read it back to him.

zdakat · 2 points · Posted at 05:08:45 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

heh sorry that was a "me" issue, I know what the expression means but in isolation it was funny

Anime0555 · 7 points · Posted at 11:23:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i didnt laugh like that in ages... thanks LMAO

Ghostwoods · 7 points · Posted at 13:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You absolutely win this thread, friend!

WrathofPrawn · 6 points · Posted at 21:09:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember this comment from the first time, and I just want you to know: I was suffering from terrible Brain Racoons at the time, and it was the first time I laughed in about a month. It might actually be the funniest thing I've ever read. You're a damn hero.

SunOnTheInside · 5 points · Posted at 23:18:21 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brain raccoons. What are they?

ruby1722 · 9 points · Posted at 09:34:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just cried laughing! Thank you this is now one of my favorite stories of all time.

StolenLemming · 6 points · Posted at 11:20:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Burst out laughing in the middle of a waiting room. 😂 Thanks for this chuckle today!

CursesandMutterings · 4 points · Posted at 15:41:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm crying.

assholewithbigtits · 10 points · Posted at 09:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the first in the thread that made me laugh hard enough to wake the baby 😂

whoknewknewwho · 11 points · Posted at 10:41:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After reading this I’ve realised the only responses on this post that are actually making me laugh out loud are the ones featuring dogs. And this is a good one!

ThrowawayLlama97 · 3 points · Posted at 17:58:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm on reddit at work and this has me in quiet stitches. Not quite quiet enough though. Omg

rose2713 · 4 points · Posted at 19:29:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the only response in this thread so far that has me laughing out loud, this is too funny!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:11:39 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I remember you from the old thread.

Glad to remember this story again.

Avbitten · 3 points · Posted at 00:04:58 on March 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

I work at a pet store, and whenever I see a new dog breed I ask the owners "ITS SOOOO CUTE! What breed is it?" My brain must've crossed some wires because I asked a woman what breed her baby was.

SunOnTheInside · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:05 on March 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

I’m fuckin dying

heyitsrobd · 2 points · Posted at 15:40:09 on January 10, 2019 · (Permalink)

Hahaha, this one got me.

itmightbehere · 2 points · Posted at 21:54:34 on February 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

Hello! I wanted to let you know I'm currently reading this in my quiet office while my manager is behind me on the phone with a client, and I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I'm literally biting my shirt to keep from making more noise than weird inhales. Thank you for sharing.

SunOnTheInside · 2 points · Posted at 22:01:51 on February 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

Every time I post this, I get a scattering of comments like yours and that makes me super happy. It was otherwise a terrible time in my life so I cope a lot with humor, it makes me beyond happy to know how much people laugh at this story of mine.

itmightbehere · 2 points · Posted at 10:48:04 on February 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

I'm sorry you were at that point. I've been there too, not fun. Better humor than other things! Having a coping mech that can give joy to others helps a lot.

Potatoman967 · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Do you are have dog name?"

9s8UTkpPPxNZq1cr · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:27 on January 16, 2019 · (Permalink)

This dog how would it? Rarely. Although, nevermore.

kat-92 · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:59 on March 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

That dog must've experienced profound self-awareness after that mind-blowing question...

Who indeed is he?

[deleted] · 2691 points · Posted at 21:57:54 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 623 points · Posted at 22:16:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! I would be so embarrassed I couldn’t go back. What happened?

[deleted] · 1098 points · Posted at 22:59:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Intactual · 249 points · Posted at 00:41:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do that a lot at the gym, you just get in that mind frame without realizing. Auto-pilot because it's a repetitive process.

EUW_Ceratius · 36 points · Posted at 07:34:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, but so do most others at the ones I've been to and no one has ever said anything.

PSGAnarchy · 12 points · Posted at 16:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do it but not at the gym. Still just as awkward.

Intactual · 1 points · Posted at 21:19:11 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

One guy would work out at the same time as me and when I was stretching he was in my eye line and I think I created an awkward situation there.

aka-Lazer · 74 points · Posted at 11:12:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What a shitty personal trainer. Should've told her its normal for ppl to stare at nothing while they're focusing on their workout. To reassure her and keep her encouraged. Also shitty that the trainer and other employees let her be confrontational and scream at you.

Also id say looking away probably reaffirmed in her mind she was right. Probably should've just continued doing your thing. If she screamed at you again just tell her to fuck off and quit interrupting you. Or gotten a manager about her continuing to disturb you.

disturbedrailroader · 307 points · Posted at 23:24:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

If that's all it took, she wasn't really dedicated. She would've found another reason to quit eventually. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Skreamie · 33 points · Posted at 02:29:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah sounds like she went in there with an agenda

GolfBaller17 · 68 points · Posted at 01:17:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sound like a good dude. Keep it up.

ethicalhoe · 5 points · Posted at 18:33:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope I've actually been checked out/flirted with and had someone FILM me squatting at the gym. While they walked away too fast for me to catch their faces and I was too shy to report them I'm never letting it stop me from working out. My goals are my own and no amount of creepy men will ever stop me. Also I always assume 99% of people at the gym are just trying to do their own thing unless they obviously demonstrate otherwise because I'm not vain enough to assume the world revolves around me lmao 🙄

Smauler · 54 points · Posted at 02:11:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If people are so self centred that they thing everything is automatically about them, that's their problem.

You didn't need to apologize, because you did nothing wrong. Explaining what you were doing helps though.

[deleted] · 109 points · Posted at 02:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Well, she might've had pretty bad anxiety. After all, when you're just starting out, the nightmare scenario is that someone will either stare at you creepily or laugh at you. I know, those are rare, but imagine the feeling when you're in there your first day and your fears are seemingly confirmed.

Or, shit, never mind, she's a narcissist from hell and there's 1 side to every story. Never mind.

Skreamie · 89 points · Posted at 02:30:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The fact that she confronted him so brazenly and then complained about it to someone else sounds like she doesn't have anxiety. I have crippling anxiety and if I was in the mindframe that someone was staring at me the last thing I'd do to help said anxiety, would be to confront them.

pixeldust6 · 31 points · Posted at 13:59:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This but also some people are “angry anxious” and lash out at others when they get stressed. Like a cornered animal.

My mom is like this and I also had a friend like this (sadly ex-friend because I couldn’t take being screamed all the time) :(

Skreamie · 5 points · Posted at 15:13:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh of course, and not to say that my particular anxiety or panic attacks are the only kind, I've had angry and violent ones too. It's the complaining afterwards that seems to me like she doesn't actually have anxiety. Usually afterwards when you're in control you wouldn't continue. Now if there's narcissism in the mix, that's a different story.

Smauler · 19 points · Posted at 03:54:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lots of people have anxiety about other people confronting them in public, which is what happened.

OP (hopefully) just basically ignored this confrontation, however, people doing this can be really detrimental to some people.

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 04:20:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like popping the fuck off at a stranger is probably not the right way to go about... anything, really

[deleted] · -13 points · Posted at 04:50:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Quote the part where I said that it was.

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 05:08:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you went off like a sarcastic jerk it really made it seem like you were on her side. Maybe don’t do that next time.

[deleted] · -12 points · Posted at 05:20:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't make it about sides. Spend more time away from Reddit.

[deleted] · 20 points · Posted at 05:29:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You’re very confrontational, may I suggest taking your own advice.

Riccolatesla · 2 points · Posted at 15:09:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe you should stop staring at them creepily for 5 minutes. They may have A N X I E T Y

Miss-Deed · -2 points · Posted at 13:41:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Yeah, because people with anxiety always confront everyone they think is staring at them, then complaining about being a "piece of meat".

Lmao, yeah, i ABSOLUTELY do that. Because you know, crippling anxiety makes you think you're so fucking hot no one can stop staring at you. Obviously. Not like "people are staring because i look like a hideous genetic experiment from hell gone wrong, and i'd rather just hide".

Calm your tits. Gosh.

Jellyph · 2 points · Posted at 01:56:44 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're being downvoted but I agree with you. Anxiety doesnt make you go off on strangers in a public setting.

Icynibba · 1 points · Posted at 16:43:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahahaha, you angered some people. Yeah, she went there with an obvious agenda. It’s like she WANTED to confront someone.

Miss-Deed · 1 points · Posted at 16:57:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup, i am used to it, i can take a few downvotes. :)

Right? A self conscious, anxious person doesn't really do this. Reddit seems to forget that there are people out there who do things like this because they like drama. r/publicfreakout is a good example.

Gosaivkme · 4 points · Posted at 19:46:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe she was banned for harrasing patrons

Gator-Empire · 7 points · Posted at 04:18:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's on her not on you, her behavior was totally not acceptable.

NCostello73 · 7 points · Posted at 05:46:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you think that stopped her, literally anything could have stopped her.

“I took two breaths instead of three no more gym for me”

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 04:16:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If that was what stopped her, she was never going to make it in the first place lol

MassaF1Ferrari · 2 points · Posted at 05:18:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She’s full of it. Girls I’ve met at the gym are one of three:

  • hot girls who like to be looked at

  • girls who dont give a shit and knows people are usually just staring out into space

  • girls who come for the first week and think they’re doing a lot

The woman you’re talking about probably wasnt gonna come back anyways.

Kazlanne · 20 points · Posted at 06:25:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean... I guess? I'm not any of those categories, but then I don't go to the gym. I tried a membership once, but even though I logically know no one was staring or judging me, I couldn't help but feel that they were. And I know the truth of the matter is that I was judging myself because I'm not as fit or healthy as I want to be. I have the same issue when I'm going for a walk in my workout gear.

My solution was to buy an exercise bike for home. So far, it's working really well. Hopefully once I'm a bit happier with myself I can try the gym again and truly not care and know people are just staring into space.

This lady does seem like she went too far. I'd just awkwardly move away or leave if someone was staring at me. Haha

MassaF1Ferrari · 6 points · Posted at 13:28:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think that’s something guys would face too. Everyone thinks people are looking at them at the gym. Good for you that you havent given up on yourself though! You dont need to go to a gym to be healthy.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:04:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like she was looking for excuses not to go.

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:58 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I'm terribly sorry madam but I do not care for you at all. I was merely sleeping."

SimpleWayfarer · 43 points · Posted at 00:07:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, I have a tendency to zone out, but I always do so while facing someone... it makes everyone in the room uncomfortable.

MormonBikeRiding · 18 points · Posted at 02:09:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I used to have female friends tell me to stop staring at them when we were all hanging out drinking. I was just lost in thought :(

platnum42 · 33 points · Posted at 02:40:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar in one of my 8am classes in college. Dude at my table snapped me back to reality and accused me of creepin and I said “Dude. This is the end of the semester and I’m taking 18 hours. I don’t sleep much for a college student, let alone a regular person. Leave me alone”

The_Crimson_Duck · 24 points · Posted at 01:30:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I phased out mid conversation with a friend once, staring into space, didn't notice her sit up after being leaning to the side, didn't notice her cleavage end up right where I was looking. Well, I realised after about three minutes when she got creeped out and pulled her top up to her neck

yParticle · 30 points · Posted at 01:06:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that too. And it really feels like they're invading your personal space when they confront you about it. Is it so hard to just glare back and realize I'm not responding to you?

Dappershire · 13 points · Posted at 13:13:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's when you apologize, unfold your white cane, and tap your way to victory.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 16:46:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That “nothing” box can get us dudes into trouble sometimes.

Odot6ixKing_Kosmos11 · 5 points · Posted at 16:46:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this in college once! I tend to stare absentmindedly between sets, and I know this so I normally look at a wall, but the gym I worked out at was covered in mirrors. So I got done with a set and started staring as usual and didn’t snap out of it until a cute girl playfully waved at me via the mirror. Then I realized it looked like I had been watching her squat through the mirror for the past minute. At least I was “looking” at the front and not the back I guess haha. It was pretty embarrassing. I’m just glad she didn’t get angry.

Roarkindrake · 5 points · Posted at 17:00:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had something close to this happen in hs with my lit teacher. I got moved to the front a few weeks prior and on this particular day was bored out of my kind so I started doing a mental rewatch of a movie and apparently my eyes just kept following her during the lecture. Creeped the crap out of her till I told her I was in LA LA land :p

i1a2 · 3 points · Posted at 00:06:34 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is it not normal to watch teachers when they're lecturing?

Roarkindrake · 2 points · Posted at 04:39:29 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apparently the way i was doing it creeped her out a bit. I have a tendency to allow my eyes to follow movement when I blank out. Since she kept walking around in front of the board, my eyes just kept it up.

a009763 · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:02 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aren't you supposed to be watching your teacher anyway and what they are doing?

MyMomPickedThisName · 3 points · Posted at 16:43:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens to me so often when I'm at work at a bar/restaurant

BrilliantDisguise84 · 3 points · Posted at 16:46:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that sometimes and I just don't realize what I'm staring at. The one time I still remember and still feel embarrassed about is when I was on a train, facing a guy my age (why on earth do people think it's a good way to organize seats like that, having you face strangers and making it really hard to focus on anything without making it awkward?). After a while I came back to reality when I saw him kind of squirm in his seat. That's when I realised I had been staring at his crotch for way too long. 🙈

[deleted] · -24 points · Posted at 02:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

RapidFireSlowMotion · 0 points · Posted at 23:34:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're contradicting yourself, if eyes are automatically tracking movements (like almost every animal alive) then it's not creeping

Fef_ · 6004 points · Posted at 22:32:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made dinner. It was some exotic chicken and rice. Wanted a drink, poured orange juice in my chicken and rice. Tasted great though.

nogoidnamesleft · 2033 points · Posted at 00:39:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad the flavour combination worked out for you! I once added cat food to my muesli bowl and put oat milk in my cat’s bowl. Neither one of us was impressed.

silly_gaijin · 57 points · Posted at 14:29:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm just imagining the look on your cat's face. "This is not why I keep you around. Idiot."

nogoidnamesleft · 37 points · Posted at 14:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“You have brought shame upon us both.”

saurabhkundu1 · 50 points · Posted at 07:36:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed more than I should

IonizedRadiation32 · 35 points · Posted at 09:26:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Obligatory... Meow-sli.

t184256 · 7 points · Posted at 13:08:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But who ate what?

nogoidnamesleft · 24 points · Posted at 13:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Neither of us ate breakfast that day. A sad day for both cat and woman.

Lithoped · 1 points · Posted at 17:22:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I, too, am a woman.

erial_ck · 89 points · Posted at 00:36:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just sparked half a memory of something weird I used to eat and now I can remember the flavour but not the food. This is going to make me crazy today.

Noo_account_hu_dis · 51 points · Posted at 01:25:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah yes. That feeling where we remember something like that. Enjoy the rest of your day troubling yourself of what food it is.

sharkattax · 4 points · Posted at 17:43:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Noo_account_hu_dis · 9 points · Posted at 17:45:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

WAIT IT WAS CALLED 'TIP OF THE TOUNGUE'? FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, ALL PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN SAY 'IN THE BACK OF MY TONGUE'. APPARENTLY I'M TODAY YEARS OLD. I FEEL SO LIED TO.

sharkattax · 6 points · Posted at 17:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, really? It sounds like everyone you know might have been mixing up "at the back of my mind" and "on the tip of my tongue."

Sorry to shatter your reality!!

Noo_account_hu_dis · 2 points · Posted at 17:54:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My life is a joke.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 03:31:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

riz casimir?

Outcast5289 · 49 points · Posted at 02:09:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Orange juice and rice. 6/10 would eat again

Edit: obligatory thanks for the gold kind stranger! Figures it would be about eating rice with something lol

[deleted] · 19 points · Posted at 02:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for your suggestion.

stenvg · 7 points · Posted at 07:28:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
TheKappp · 51 points · Posted at 02:08:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at this BBQ place where the sauce is in empty Corona bottles. I had also ordered a Corona. You can see where this is headed- me pouring Corona on my brisket sandwich. My bf was across from me like wtf? Lol.

OnlyAnotherEmily · 22 points · Posted at 07:30:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought you were going to take a big ole swig of the sauce!

TheKappp · 7 points · Posted at 07:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plot twist!

Theyvad · 3 points · Posted at 08:02:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like the beer bottles? The only thing I’ve seen is empty sriracha bottles filled with soy sauce or bbq, which isn’t that bad since it’s already a sauce bottle,

TheKappp · 3 points · Posted at 08:13:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah the sauce was in empty Corona beer bottles. I wonder how hygienic that is lol.

archa1c0236 · 2 points · Posted at 18:10:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It'll be sanitized before use

TheKappp · 2 points · Posted at 18:17:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I’m sure. It’s actually a nice earth conscious way of doing it.

EssEllEyeSeaKay · -4 points · Posted at 08:04:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t think the sauce was in empty corona bottles

TheKappp · 5 points · Posted at 08:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, it definitely was, so...

frostyflake07 · 6 points · Posted at 12:06:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoosh

TheKappp · 5 points · Posted at 16:39:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dammit, my worse Reddit fear. I’ve been whooshed and can’t figure out why. 😆 🤔

EssEllEyeSeaKay · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:46 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

The bottles weren’t empty because there was sauce in them.

TheKappp · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:33 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dammit. Thank you, but dammit lol.

chimay611 · 18 points · Posted at 06:11:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cook chicken in orange juice and cilantro and serve it over rice. My boyfriend makes that all the time it’s the best. Ya just reduce it till the chicken is cooked and shreds easy.

WhiteWarrior625 · 32 points · Posted at 00:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Orange chicken is delicious!

northrupthebandgeek · 13 points · Posted at 05:55:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a restaurant/casino in Reno called the Gold and Silver Club that has a dish called "Lemonade Pork Chops". Story goes that it was created the same way you created your orange chicken: by accidentally pouring lemonade on pork chops (though this was during cooking). Turns out it actually tastes decent, so they added it to the menu.

fokkoooff · 14 points · Posted at 06:37:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few mornings ago I was deliriously tired while getting my daughter a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I was thinking about how much I needed some caffeine, and snapped out of it right as I was about to pour Mountain Dew over her Cheerios.

Zehirah · 6 points · Posted at 07:13:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have definitely caught myself about to pour milk into the sugar bowl when making coffee. I totally blame it on the fact I hadn't had my coffee yet.

kat-macd · 19 points · Posted at 06:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I, an 8 month pregnant woman, would like to thank you for my weirdest craving to date.

Shamrock5 · 8 points · Posted at 04:02:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's all going to the same place!

catnamed-dog · 5 points · Posted at 05:54:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
waynenguyen · 6 points · Posted at 07:28:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What's not to like? Chicken, good! Rice, good! Orange juice, GOOD!

I_Arted · 5 points · Posted at 06:39:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm surprised your cat allowed you to live.

tor1dactyl · 6 points · Posted at 06:53:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Along this line, I managed to pour soup stock into my tea because the carton it comes in looks really similar to the carton my milk comes in. It didn't taste great, wouldn't recommend

AmalgamSnow · 6 points · Posted at 07:38:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done the same with cereal. Grab milk, think "Oh I'll have some apple juice!", pour milk in glass and juice on cornflakes. All you can do is look down and wonder what the fuck happened.

Pevalinsky · 4 points · Posted at 03:05:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I may ask, where did the inspiration for your username come from?

BladeGustVexilloBall · 5 points · Posted at 04:38:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe they're a homestuck (Feferi, a alien emperess with pink blood (nicknamed fef (maybe usernamer was inspired by it)))

Fef_ · 5 points · Posted at 10:26:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was actually a nickname I got when I was around 8, so 10 years ago, because my name was too long and intricate. But that sounds way cooler lol.

KarkatFan909 · 2 points · Posted at 18:21:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a homestuck fan, i can tell you that it is long

BladeGustVexilloBall · 1 points · Posted at 18:21:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh.

MrDrPrfsrPatrick2U · 4 points · Posted at 06:40:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is how new cuisines are invented.

boterkoek3 · 3 points · Posted at 06:58:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that pouring orange juice into my breakfast cereal before, and pouring a glass of milk. Turned out to be accidentally delicious.

TopDeckMcgee · 3 points · Posted at 07:01:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And that’s the story on how orange chicken was made.

dedasdude · 3 points · Posted at 07:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude chicken made in Indian style goes hand in hand with orange soda.

AubinCLemar · 3 points · Posted at 09:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

New twist on Orange Chicken for sure. 10/10

gratuitous_h · 3 points · Posted at 11:22:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Erotic chicken and rice

zedoktar · 3 points · Posted at 12:33:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rice cooked in orange juice instead of water is fucking amazing as is orange chicken stir fry, so you weren't far off actual foods. Just an unorthodox approach.

bob_in_the_west · 2 points · Posted at 09:33:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

10/10 with rice

KILL_ALL_NORMIES_REE · 2 points · Posted at 13:59:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"you know i have soft teeth, how could you say that?"

koalaferg · 2 points · Posted at 18:39:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you still add all the other required ingredients or did you leave the orange juice in too substitute certain ingredients?

Fef_ · 3 points · Posted at 18:40:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The whole dinner was ready and I poured it directly onto my plate.. Lol.

koalaferg · 2 points · Posted at 18:44:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn at least it tasted good and you got some extra vitamins 😂🤷‍♂️

Abacae · 2 points · Posted at 18:50:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not so bad. I occasionally make an orange sauce with a bit of spice in it. I've intentionally added a spicy orange sauce to chicken and rice before.

Gabrosin · 2 points · Posted at 18:58:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made myself a bowl of salad and then poured milk on it like it was cereal.

Not wanting it to be wasted, I ate it anyway. Wasn't half bad.

ribbonwine · 2 points · Posted at 19:11:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done something similar. Made cereal for breakfast one morning, went to get orange juice for a drink and poured it into my cereal.

cowsrock1 · 2 points · Posted at 22:57:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Out of curiosity, what differentiates a normal chicken from an exotic one?

Fef_ · 2 points · Posted at 23:06:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I remember correctly it probably had some peppers from South America and marinade from Thailand. I myself am half suri, but I live in the Netherlands. It was pretty exotic for how white the country is hahah.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:38:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy accident:)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:00:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And that, son, is how recipes are born.

chichumichu · 1 points · Posted at 13:16:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

9/10 with rice

Polar_Ted · 9238 points · Posted at 00:06:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started to trim my beard and didn't see the guard was off.. Huge swath of beard gone in one swipe. The kids still refer to me during the beardless months as "Creepy Daddy" and I am not allowed to shave it off again.

Freefalafelin · 411 points · Posted at 05:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Creepy Daddy” omg I’m dying

Gator-Empire · 2183 points · Posted at 04:26:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My hand slipped and did that before. The wife had never seen me without a beard. I am also not allowed to shave my beard.

DaughterEarth · 607 points · Posted at 08:35:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was shaving my legs and got an itch on my face, so I went to scratch my face, and proceeded to shave off half my eyebrow. It looked very strange and I am not allowed to shave my eyebrow.

Cellhawk · 147 points · Posted at 11:20:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey at least you did not shave your eyes off.

DaughterEarth · 122 points · Posted at 11:28:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

noooo delete this from my memory, I have so much anxiety about eyeballs as it is and now you're making me imagine shaving them. This is torture

lordg52 · 61 points · Posted at 12:46:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

once i was shaving my face and got an itch on my balls and then i shaved half my balls off

GingeAndProud · 42 points · Posted at 12:51:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one time I was shaving my balls and I had an itch on my foot and I accidentally shaved half my toes off

ChiefLoneWolf · 30 points · Posted at 13:11:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well I was shaving my toes once and had an itch on my toes and was able to itch it and shave my toes at the same time. Two birds, one razor.

GingeAndProud · 34 points · Posted at 13:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

PETA would like a word with you for that last sentence.

ChiefLoneWolf · 15 points · Posted at 13:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Two birds, one scone**

FAMS94 · 0 points · Posted at 15:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two girls, one cup

ViZeShadowZ · 3 points · Posted at 03:49:24 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sorry

Two dogs, one heartbroken family

DaughterEarth · 3 points · Posted at 13:36:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh no your ball

ButterflyAttack · 7 points · Posted at 17:01:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You won't want to hear about the time I was tripping and got superglue in my eye, then.

DaughterEarth · 8 points · Posted at 17:01:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

nope. I definitely never read this comment

ButterflyAttack · 3 points · Posted at 17:27:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

. . . or about the guy I once knew who could put the entire bowl of a spoon up under his eyeball?

I always thought it looked a bit risky, myself. I mean, what if he sneezed while he was doing it?

PuttingInTheEffort · 2 points · Posted at 17:44:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That doesn't do much or so I've heard. Like it doesn't adhere to the eyeball, but will stick your eyelids shut, and there's stuff to remove it anyhow

_wallace · 1 points · Posted at 11:25:03 on January 6, 2019 · (Permalink)

Super late story time ?

politburrito · 3 points · Posted at 23:27:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They're always watching!

DaughterEarth · 2 points · Posted at 23:29:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

aaaaaaa

ChiefLoneWolf · 46 points · Posted at 12:40:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I generally cut my own hair(I’m a guy) I just use clippers with different sizes clips to make it short on the sides and long on top.

But there is this one size clip that doesn’t fit on real well, sort of wobbly and loose. I am usually extra careful when using that particular clip but I must have forgot because it fell off and I buzzed a huge balled spot in the side of my head.

And I knew immediately from the sound that a just took a massive chunk out and welp.... https://imgur.com/gallery/JoPbw9x

lordg52 · 21 points · Posted at 12:45:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

just make it a lot bigger and people will think you have a bald spot, no shame in that

or blame it on a shitty barber

ChiefLoneWolf · 14 points · Posted at 12:52:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happened about a year ago and I have a self deprecating sense of humor, so I just rolled with it. Had some good laughs with people. I try not to take myself to seriously, lucky I didn’t have a job where I needed too.

arul20 · 2 points · Posted at 16:28:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woah ballsy

PuttingInTheEffort · 2 points · Posted at 17:45:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just draw in a smiley and all is well

DaughterEarth · 3 points · Posted at 13:36:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh nooo. I wish I had got a picture of my eyebrow issue

Audiovore · 1 points · Posted at 19:30:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a full mohawk, and just go guardless on the sides after getting tired of using a 1/4" guard.

nomorebullpoop · 18 points · Posted at 14:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once was shaving my nether regions and shaved off my penis. My wife said I am no longer allowed to shave off my penis.

DaughterEarth · 2 points · Posted at 14:25:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sorry for your penis :(

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 14:12:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shaved a slice in of my eyebrow once while shaving my head. I actually liked the look of it - it proudly brought out the asymmetry of my face.

I’ve always wanted to get eyebrow or earrings but can’t because work. Cutting my eyebrow was the closest I’ve ever gotten.

DaughterEarth · 3 points · Posted at 14:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

man I'm sorry you've been prevented from being your true self.

ButterflyAttack · 7 points · Posted at 16:59:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never understood how guys can tolerate wearing beards. I get past the stubble phase and it just starts feeling itchy and unhygienic. Doesn't it feel like having pubes on your face? Do you just get used to it?

Celicni · 1 points · Posted at 19:03:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It doesn't

DaughterEarth · 1 points · Posted at 23:33:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think you get used to it. My SO spent a good 6 months bitching about his facial hair, and he has now stopped complaining other than occasionally saying he wants a mustache comb. So I assume he mostly got used to it.

NinaBarrage · 55 points · Posted at 12:48:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"If you can't handle me at my shaviest, you don't deserve me at my beardiest"

Bantersmith · 11 points · Posted at 19:03:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a bearded man, you can never be sure are they really with you for you, or they're just a beard-digger.

The draw of a good beard is just too strong for some.

Gator-Empire · 2 points · Posted at 22:08:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love this, if I ever have another mishap I will be stealing this!

changeneverhappens · 98 points · Posted at 05:20:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah my big burly husband has a tiny beard but even that hides the baby face.

GerbilJibberJabber · 23 points · Posted at 11:18:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cat jumped and grabbed a cord. 8 months gone.

I had a muscle spaz. Only a few months, but nicked myself pretty well with the auto trimmers.

Someone lit me on fire. I lit me on fire. I lit me again. Some one got me with a near miss Roman candle. (Fire not gud)

I know y'alls pain.

NotOneLine · 27 points · Posted at 11:42:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At this point do you think maybe the universe is trying to tell you something?

Neil2250 · 37 points · Posted at 12:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

aye. tape the cat to your face.

budgetbeard

ComatoseSquirrel · 4 points · Posted at 15:12:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like this version of a hashtag better.

GerbilJibberJabber · 1 points · Posted at 15:45:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuckin lol

GerbilJibberJabber · 3 points · Posted at 15:44:54 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

FIRE NOT GUD

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 16:19:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have the opposite problem, slipped once and now all I hear is “when are you going to let me see your face again?”

micronas · 9 points · Posted at 16:56:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. On the rare occasion I do shave, she calls 'hello' in the cutest voice as if it was her mating call lol

Gator-Empire · 1 points · Posted at 19:29:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I walked into the living room after it happened and the look on her face. She said, what happened?!

She was not happy about it.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 25 points · Posted at 14:33:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My partner has a beard and I’ve never seen them without one. Not even pictures! I don’t think I’d recognise them if I saw them without it.

Gator-Empire · 2 points · Posted at 19:33:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe give it a go? Lol

rangler34 · 7 points · Posted at 15:08:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why do you keep referring to your partner as “them”

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 23 points · Posted at 16:01:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Close! My best friend is non-binary and prefer they/them pronouns. I didn’t even realise I do it for other people until the other person pointed it out.

Thank you for being mindful of non binary peeps, not a lot of people are.

rangler34 · 17 points · Posted at 17:06:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for answering and not just downvoting. I was genuinely curious, sorry if I offended you.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 7 points · Posted at 00:08:48 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

No problemo

No, you’re okay! I’m happy to clear up any confusion.

ipoststoned · 14 points · Posted at 16:12:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you're not used to it, it makes it sound as though you're trying to be elusive about communicating a gender. Which if you're talking about shaving a beard, seems like a pretty manly thing to do so it's somewhat implied. Not that I care; just getting used to it.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 13 points · Posted at 16:27:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yea, I get you. No he’s a man, I just go to they/them pronouns automatically now. It’s a lot easier sometimes than assuming the gender when someone’s talking about their boss/ colleague and hasn’t said he/she pronouns.

musingmd · 8 points · Posted at 15:31:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They may be non-binary and prefer their/them as their pronouns.

hey_hey_now · -18 points · Posted at 15:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

If he has a beard, he's a man. Words have meanings.

Edit: my brother is a trans woman. I know about this stuff more than you do, but thanks for the downvotes.

DaughterEarth · 10 points · Posted at 23:36:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you're calling her your brother and not your sister then you don't know shit about it and you're probably not very good to your sister

TheFlyingSlothMonkey · -10 points · Posted at 16:07:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If he has male genitalia, he's a man. It's that simple.

ipoststoned · -9 points · Posted at 16:11:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you're standing in front of the mirror shaving a full beard, you're man.

TheFlyingSlothMonkey · -8 points · Posted at 16:11:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A whipped man, at that.

jtbuddha · 2 points · Posted at 15:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why does it matter enough to you to demand an explanation? The point of their comment was not lost or confused by their grammatically correct usage of ‘them’.

rangler34 · 5 points · Posted at 17:09:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yeah cause i’m just demanding answers, it’s practically an interrogation. You seem incredibly fragile.

jtbuddha · -4 points · Posted at 17:48:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You’re the one getting bothered by the word ‘them’...

Edit: also I said explanation not interrogation. Nice tactic though.

rangler34 · 3 points · Posted at 18:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When did I ever say something that could give the indication I was even a little bothered? All I did was ask a question lol. This is so embarrassing

Crusty_Dick · 6 points · Posted at 15:28:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish I can grow a beard, but mine doesn't grow really thick lol

Gator-Empire · 3 points · Posted at 19:30:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm part Italian, I have hair everywhere! Want to borrow some of mine?

nilla-wafers · 1 points · Posted at 20:11:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’d rather be insanely hairy than the opposite. At least you have the option of shaving it or getting electrolysis. If you can’t grow a beard in the first place then you’re just fucked regardless.

Gator-Empire · 1 points · Posted at 22:14:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

True. Although I used to be very self conscious about the hair on my rear end.

This may be TMI but when it first started happening I pulled out all of the hair be hand. That was the first and last time I ever did that!

Was not very pleasant when it grew back in.

leadabae · 3 points · Posted at 19:51:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

unrelated but it's always weird to me when people refer to their wife as "the wife" instead of my wife.

Gator-Empire · 1 points · Posted at 22:15:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol idk why I say it like that, I switch between the 2.

PaintsWithSmegma · 1 points · Posted at 16:43:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Samsies. If I don't have a beard I get no lovin' from the wife. I must be powerful ugly.

Gator-Empire · 1 points · Posted at 19:21:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I have a little bit of a baby face, I have pretty much always had some form of facial hair since puberty.

iamthepixie · 130 points · Posted at 04:54:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of those YouTube videos of babies and young children seeing their daddies without beards for the first time.

Their tears make me laugh and I feel horrible for it !

milkbong420 · 83 points · Posted at 05:37:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh god one time i had to shave my beard for a fast food job and i looked like a bloody sex offender. i quit a week later.

dammitdebbie · 3 points · Posted at 18:32:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you leave the ‘stache?

milkbong420 · 10 points · Posted at 21:18:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

..in a desperate attempt to save my facial hair yes.. thats probably 85 percent why i looked like i should do the sex offender shuffle.

Theo242 · 64 points · Posted at 07:13:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never seen my dad without a beard. He's had one since 1979. Apparently he was forced to shave for a job he held briefly, and the moment he switched jobs he grew it out and never shaved it off. Anyway someone unearthed a photo of him without a beard. He's very young in the picture, probably 17 but has the same hair and dress sense he always has had. It was so weird, it felt like realizing there was a room in the house I'd never noticed or something. Like the uncanny valley. Or like he was a pod person, Haha.

Slappin45 · 47 points · Posted at 06:55:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that once. Cut my hair drunk. Asked the lady if it was good. She said i missed a spor. I went back shaved a line down the middle of my head. Had no choice. Had to shave my whole head. Wore a hat for 2 weeks because i felt like i was from American history x....

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 10:17:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, been there. Why is it always the middle of the head you accidentally do without a guard on?

On the whole, it was positive, because I'm balding and discovered that I really like short hair.

AetherWay · 10 points · Posted at 13:10:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me, but not drunk. I was buzzing my hair as I do when it gets pretty long, and the guard popped off. A two inch swath on the back of my head, down to the skin. I waited an hour for my fiance to get home and pleaded with her to fix it. Needless to say the rest ended up coming off as well.

She found the whole thing just hilarious.

Slappin45 · 2 points · Posted at 16:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ya my wife thought it was pretty damn funny as well. I was not amused.

radix4801 · 42 points · Posted at 05:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shaved once when I was first seeing my (now) wife. That was over 20 years ago, and I still get dirty looks just joking about doing it again.

AnnaVronsky · 75 points · Posted at 01:15:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honey is that you??

CarpeMofo · 33 points · Posted at 06:22:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to trim my beard free hand with a trimmer and one time sneezed suddenly and cut a similar chunk of it off. It was literally the first time I had been beardless since I was like 16. When you had to shave yours, did it feel like to you that your mouth was suddenly too small for your face?

cabbagebikini · 8 points · Posted at 13:10:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read that as “beard-free hand” for a while.

CarpeMofo · 4 points · Posted at 14:21:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope, definitely hairy palms.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:20:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ditto

moonshine_bear · 53 points · Posted at 06:21:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My father’s friend always had a mustache. He shaved it off once and his ~4 year old son cried and said, “No, Daddy! Put it back!”

snalligator14 · 22 points · Posted at 05:31:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did this. I went from “haggard Amish” to “babyface with a shadow”. Apparently it suits me but I still miss my hair cause I work outside and it’s winter.

kalicki · 20 points · Posted at 08:02:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad once shaved his beard when my sister was 5 or so, and it was the first time she had ever seen him without a beard.

She, of course, freaked out, much like your kids.

Pathdocjlwint · 18 points · Posted at 12:52:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Trimming up around my beard and mustache in the shower with a safety razor while half asleep and took off half my mustache. Shaved the rest of the beard and mustache off. Young daughter (about three at the time) cried every time she saw me for three days and wouldn’t let me hold her, wife immediately told me to grow it back (look too young and baby faced), and coworkers (all pathologists who are trained to be observant) kept saying “You look different? Did you lose weight? Is that a different tie? etc. Finally in the middle of looking through a multiheaded microscope at some patient tumor slides the chief of surgical pathology shouts out “Ah Ha!” and jumps to his feet shouting “You shaved your mustache and beard off!!!!!!”, two weeks after the accidental removal.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:27:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Pathdocjlwint · 4 points · Posted at 14:43:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, after nobody could figure it out, I just kept shaving to see how long it would take before someone realized it. My wife was happy when I started growing the facial hair back after it was finally recognized.

newenglandredshirt · 15 points · Posted at 10:53:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad once shaved off his beard on purpose. My sister (who was about 2 at the time) started screaming when he went to go pick her up.

It has been over 30 years and he has never shaved his beard off again.

tragedyorcomedy__ · 6 points · Posted at 17:18:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad shaved his beard when I was like 2 and I refused to acknowledge his existence for a couple of days bc beardless dude was 100% not my dad.

princesskate · 3 points · Posted at 14:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar situation. My father shaved his beard when I was about 5 and my brother was only a few months old. He refused to be anywhere near my dad until the beard grew back, he would scream in absolute terror at the sight.

Funnily enough now he prefers when my father is clean shaved.

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 13 points · Posted at 06:01:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, my dad once ended up with a goatee because of that. My mom hated it, so he immediately grew the beard back out.

iamthelonelybarnacle · 14 points · Posted at 08:27:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad took me to Centre Parcs when I was quite small and shaved his beard off. It was really distressing because I'd look for him in the crowds or in the pool and didn't recognise him until he spoke. Plus it ruined our play fights because he always used to pin me and then tickle my back with his beard. 4/5 year old me was adamant my dad should have a beard after that.

arnedh · 11 points · Posted at 07:28:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use a hair trimmer on a 1cm setting, and one day I was trimming my hair, I took off the guard, cleaned away the trimmings, and resumed trimming from my forehead and upwards. Without the guard.

Only thing to do was to trim it all down to zero.

ackme · 24 points · Posted at 05:07:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Beardless..months?

Polar_Ted · 23 points · Posted at 07:36:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wife liked me shaved for a little while before I grew it back out.

ninetales0317 · 13 points · Posted at 07:34:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for that story. I laughed so hard. I did that once to a guy as a hair dresser on the back of his head. Luckily he wanted a really short tapered cut, but boy did I have to do some blending.

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 09:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this to the hair on my head, as a woman, with hair down the middle of my back. Granted, I was trying to give myself a drastic haircut, but I had no intention of shaving my head bald. Hot distracted by one of my kids, out the clippers down to talk to her, and when I picked them up I didn't notice the guard was off until I felt cold metal on my scalp. Everyone thought I had cancer for months and were too afraid to ask me to my face. An eye-opening experience in a lot of ways.

WingedLady · 11 points · Posted at 12:58:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No one in my family, not even my mom, has seen my dad beard-less (barring his high school/childhood pictures). Sometimes when we'd misbehave, he'd threaten to shave it off. We usually stopped just because the idea left us stunned.

ViperhawkZ · 7 points · Posted at 06:23:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was trying to trim my beard and I accidentally carved out a big chunk, and there was just no salvaging it. Had to shave my whole face and then grow it back out again over the next couple weeks.

AthanasiaStygian · 6 points · Posted at 07:24:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad slipped and did that.. to the hair on his head.

silly_gaijin · 6 points · Posted at 13:53:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my dad shaved his beard when I was but a little 'un, he had me sit on the bathroom counter and watch him. Apparently, when I was too young to remember, he'd once shaved it off and found himself with a freaked-out little girl who didn't believe this smooth-faced freak was her dad. The next time, he was more careful. He kept shaving it into funny shapes to make me laugh, and by the end, I still knew he was my daddy.

zeoranger · 5 points · Posted at 05:50:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this a couple of times

dicaprihoe · 4 points · Posted at 09:42:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Those are some nice kids you got there.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 12:30:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. Not allowed to shave my beard off, and have received very unfavorable reviews the couple times I clipped too close and had to shave it all off.

I mean, she shaves her legs, armpits all that. All in all she has 10x more shaving to do than I do, and I like my beard, so I don’t mind.

FrisianDude · 3 points · Posted at 09:26:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

did that once trying to fix my hair

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 12:22:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LMAO I'm dead haha

customguy1 · 3 points · Posted at 12:40:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep I slipped once and as soon as I exit the bathroom "already feeling defenseless without my full beard" all I hear is wow too much gone please don't do that again. Ever.

OtherCat1 · 3 points · Posted at 15:58:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad shaved off his beard in the fall, thinking his tan had faded.

It hadn't.

diarrhea_syndrome · 2 points · Posted at 12:07:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve keep a beard for years now. I shaved for no reason really and everyone at work said I looked like a creep/child molester/weirdo. FM Good god man, noted.

hellofromspace · 2 points · Posted at 12:58:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the opposite, was going through a shaved head phase after I started going bald. Was trimming the beard on low and went right up the sideburn to the top of my head. I'd never gone this short before and had to explain it to everyone at work.

casualfanboy · 2 points · Posted at 14:31:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this a few years back, but I was giving myself a haircut. Got way closer than intended, right down the middle. And it was hours before my high school reunion.

BreadyStinellis · 2 points · Posted at 16:12:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did that once. That was the day I learned where my non-existent chin came from. He looked like a turtle.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:05:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My beard hides my lizard face.

Timmoddly · 1 points · Posted at 13:21:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did this and my best friend of five years had never seen me clean shaven. When I showed up to drop off her present she immediately said "no never again". My mom and grandma like it though, so I've got that going for me.

belgariad222 · 1 points · Posted at 13:22:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I did this same thing weeks ago... just simply forgot to put the clip on

livin4donuts · 1 points · Posted at 13:40:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did this last Thursday. A few drinks may have had something to do with it lol. Now I'm clean shaven, gonna grow the years starting January 1st. Downside is now I look like I'm 8 months old.

Ojos_Claros · 1 points · Posted at 13:47:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad shaved his beard and moustache once. Sis and me were crying so loud he's never doing that again 😂

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:54:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha that’s like my dad. He’s had huge mustache forever. So sometimes when he pulls it up to show his lip it horrified us all as kids. Can’t imagine him without it

xtrajuicy12 · 1 points · Posted at 14:19:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was growing up, my dad would shave his beard every 3 years or so and just keep a mustache. We didn't call him "creepy dad" but the sentiment was the same

blondeblackbeard · 1 points · Posted at 14:31:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jake?

Polar_Ted · 1 points · Posted at 18:39:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is Patrick

blondeblackbeard · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, this is Gallagher

sastom · 1 points · Posted at 14:44:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me but with hair. Went almost bald for two weeks and everyone called me an egg.

Auntie__Social · 1 points · Posted at 14:50:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did this exact same thing. 35 years with a beard, that few weeks with nothing was horrifying lol

nota999 · 1 points · Posted at 14:54:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did a similar thing once, but it was when cutting by hair. Lots of hats for a couple weeks.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:18:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

My dad shaved his mustache off once and my sister (who was 16) at the time thought he looked terrifying.

Myceliemz24 · 1 points · Posted at 15:54:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one's my favorite

ericcris10sen · 1 points · Posted at 16:34:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude I did that too. I grew mine out long and wanted to shave it off a little and messed it up so I shaved it off completely. I looked like a 12 year old boy lmao shit sucked lol

AcidHips · 1 points · Posted at 16:50:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of the happiest memories from my childhood is the one where a strange guy apporoached my brother and I ( 6 &8) in the street , late one night ( we were walking home after buying somthing in the store) This strange looking guys was actually my father, who shaved his beard and mustache that day. We didnt recognize him...we freaked out but later had a great laugh

That day and this memory stucked with me for 30 years and is one of the few happy ones. Your comments made me happy. Be kind to your kids and show them love everyday.best to you and your family.

john85john · 1 points · Posted at 17:09:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m jealous, my wife doesn’t want to grow my beard back.

Orphemus · 1 points · Posted at 17:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Creepy daddy 😂

wotanidget · 1 points · Posted at 17:19:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LOL... this reminds me of the first time I shaved my head after my daughter was born and could talk a little. Made the mistake of doing the deed while she was asleep, went in to pick her up from her crib after she woke up and she recoiled and said "Not DaDa! NOT DaDa!"

Skinnysusan · 1 points · Posted at 17:22:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ya know I can relate to this as when my dad shaves his mustache he looks creepy. He also has a hair lip though and looks ridiculous.

SpicymeLLoN · 1 points · Posted at 21:14:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish I had this problem. I can't even grow a mustache. And I'm balding. I'm in my early 20s fml

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 13:13:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I assume you mean your kids and not just "the kids" in general

DeepBreathing4Me · 12900 points · Posted at 22:50:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sitting in math class one day, and I was just humming to myself while the teacher explained something at the board. She went to turn off the projector, which is next to my desk. Then, still standing next to me, she gives me this weird look and asks, "is something wrong?"

I had been so deep in thought that I had lost the tune but kept humming, so I was now just humming a long, low "hmmmmmmmmm" without any change in pitch.

So yeah. That was embarrassing.

erial_ck · 2686 points · Posted at 00:48:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend does this but he starts with tuneless hmmmm and doesn't know he's doing it. Just deep concentration hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm out of nowhere. Drives me crazy.

holyshithestall · 3137 points · Posted at 02:25:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Sounds like its time to clean out his cooling fans Edit: my first silver! Thank you friend!

Victoria240 · 126 points · Posted at 03:12:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe he needed new batteries

RHYNOTANK · 47 points · Posted at 04:09:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I suggest an upgrade to one that has three modes. Hum, hum hum hum, and hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm

Victoria240 · 30 points · Posted at 04:10:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What about aa, aaa, and aaaa?

RHYNOTANK · 30 points · Posted at 04:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you preorder the deluxe you can actually get A, AAAAA, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Bobbis32 · 14 points · Posted at 05:24:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Isn't that the background vocals of komm susser tod?

RHYNOTANK · 11 points · Posted at 05:55:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The end of evangelion? The background vocal I focused on was letting me down

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:59:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It all comes tumbling down tumbling down

Slammpig · 6 points · Posted at 05:56:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

FUUUUUCKKKK SPILLED MY DRINK EVERYWHERE DHJAVDNHEBAKFVAV

dutchshelbs · 3 points · Posted at 14:48:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

https://youtu.be/R7jpe8DLV88 careful earphone users

petlahk · 4 points · Posted at 07:31:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For that you have to purchase the special vowel variant.

Victoria240 · 1 points · Posted at 16:08:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How much is that

Sallty_Sam · 14 points · Posted at 04:41:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Single, Burst, Automatic

petlahk · 2 points · Posted at 07:30:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Strangely enough mode two is thenmost soothing of the fan modes despite not being as smooth as modes one and 3.

RHYNOTANK · 2 points · Posted at 13:58:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Would you believe me when i say I found that on accident? It all started by the dreadful noise the fastest mode made.

PoiLethe · 2 points · Posted at 08:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A boyfriend that's a vibrator? Man humanity really has peaked. And so will I.

RHYNOTANK · 1 points · Posted at 14:05:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
AaronVsMusic · 25 points · Posted at 05:04:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A little compressed air in the exhaust vent should do the trick.

DeathcampEnthusiast · 24 points · Posted at 06:18:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

HAHA YES, YES I THINK THAT IS A PERFECTLY HUMAN THING TO DO. I TOO CLEAN MY COOLING FANS LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WOULD, DOING HUMAN THINGS.

TorsteinTheRed · 16 points · Posted at 06:13:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Because everyone needs their fans cleaned every so often ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ZWQncyBkaWNr · 9 points · Posted at 07:14:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no /r/totallynotrobots is leaking

coolladykatie · 6 points · Posted at 04:47:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh out loud

cvdubbs · 9 points · Posted at 04:22:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you know what I mean wink

holyshithestall · 20 points · Posted at 04:22:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I.... I don't think I do

kooshipuff · 3 points · Posted at 06:09:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are not alone

thelonestrangler · 2 points · Posted at 06:46:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

.

monkee09 · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If ya know what I mean.

Lover-of-chortles · 17 points · Posted at 04:53:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had someone point out that I do the same thing when I'm working on something difficult. Its a mixture of humming tunelessly and long grunts/grumbling

kaaainos · 6 points · Posted at 06:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My co-worker does this - however its roughly every 10 seconds with a single, SAME TONE "hmmm" that's slightly above pitch from a normal "hmmmm" almost like very, very, very tuneless attempt at singing. I can't stand to be next to her. Do you know how fucking frustrating it is hearing that MULTIPLE times a minute?

erial_ck · 4 points · Posted at 07:09:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, I live with it. :D

p-dxb · 2 points · Posted at 05:07:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the same thing and am very conscious about it

RoyBeer · 2 points · Posted at 10:26:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife does the same! I have not been able to record it, because once I mention it, she stops and acts like she never notices it!

GerbilJibberJabber · 2 points · Posted at 11:28:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's called a mantra. You can use this to help put yourself into a certain state of mind. Let them mantrasize and get their shit did.

picklescience · 2 points · Posted at 16:04:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex did this but only while playing video games. I loved it. Was just his little quirk.

Freddanator · 2 points · Posted at 05:15:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your boyfriend sounds like a cool dude.

metasymphony · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same with my flatmate! It's so annoying and distracting sometimes and he doesn't realise when he starts doing it!

Criztek · 1 points · Posted at 18:06:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

he's trying to achieve nirvana

Forsaken-Artist · 1 points · Posted at 18:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zz8-€8

NetherNarwhal · 1 points · Posted at 21:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey I do that. Aperently my great grand father did it and I never really kbew him so it might be genetic

clevergirl_42 · 147 points · Posted at 02:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you try turning yourself off and on again?

chocolate_sprinkles_ · 107 points · Posted at 03:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can help with turning you off

Master_JBT · 26 points · Posted at 03:44:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
KungFuActionJesus5 · 61 points · Posted at 03:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Master_JBT · 12 points · Posted at 05:13:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

thats what i meant

KungFuActionJesus5 · 14 points · Posted at 05:14:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No worries friend I got you.

Master_JBT · 24 points · Posted at 05:17:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
KungFuActionJesus5 · 16 points · Posted at 05:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
SirDukeIII · 16 points · Posted at 08:00:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well this exchange was wholesome as fuck

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:53:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

chocolate_sprinkles_ · 1 points · Posted at 16:36:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, aren't you a clever girl?

Archer007 · 2 points · Posted at 04:08:30 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's my sideboob

whatsthepointnoe · 10 points · Posted at 03:51:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually start with turning myself on then short activity afterwards makes me sleepy

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 04:23:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
EXE167 · 1 points · Posted at 09:20:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

tried turning it of and on again Lol

fryyybo · 104 points · Posted at 03:10:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“oh that’s my daughter tina. that’s one of the noises she makes”

CoffeeAndRegret · 44 points · Posted at 03:59:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Theres these illuminati conspiracy videos where they catch celebrities zoning out and claim it's because they're clones and they're "clone glitching".

The clips are super weird, admittedly, but man people do weird shit when they're lost in thought. This humming thing case in point.

OnlyAnotherEmily · 18 points · Posted at 07:40:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like a lot of celebrities are probably also high a lot more often than people take into consideration. I hear being famous is stressful.

AnraSE · 2 points · Posted at 10:08:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Taking weed won't help you then. It makes you more aware like Joe "I'm not a pothead" Rogan said.

Elbiotcho · 59 points · Posted at 03:27:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my male friend was whistling along. I realized he was whistling the "I know what boys like" song. I told him, "WTF are you whistling?" He stopped and said, "fuck you."

temp-account-2-learn · 16 points · Posted at 03:44:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't worry in 5th grade I was sitting with my head down on my desk playing Pokemon on gba4ios saying Doge dog over and over trying to figure out how to say it for 20 minutes straight, untell everyone got up to do something and I continued and the teacher just walked up and was like, dude you ok?

FuckingFuckPissBack · 2 points · Posted at 10:45:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

5th grade

iOS

Wtf kind of money did your parents have lmao - damn you're lucky

temp-account-2-learn · 3 points · Posted at 17:39:57 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Funny enough I had a flip phone as my normal phone and so I worked at the stadium in town in the concession stand during little league football and bought a older iPod so I could play games

FuckingFuckPissBack · 1 points · Posted at 17:46:27 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's really cool honestly lmao

naburine · 8 points · Posted at 04:04:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You flatlined!!

Oasis222222324 · 14 points · Posted at 03:22:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kid Cudi ?

Zombiebelle · 7 points · Posted at 04:42:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pictured the sounds Tina makes from Bob’s Burgers

parmesann · 6 points · Posted at 04:24:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

if i get a song stuck in my head during class (or i’m in a music class and we’re playing/listening to music), i’ll tap my foot to it softly. if the song stops/leaves my head, i sometimes absentmindedly keep tapping my foot, but with no beat to follow, i just drop my foot at 50bpm or so. not loud, but just enough that someone else would notice. i’ve had people ask if i’m upset or annoyed about something. nope, just subconsciously fidgeting

loversalibi · 11 points · Posted at 06:22:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

for some reason im laughing a lot at her reaction being "is something wrong?" as if that's the noise people commonly make in distress

marblefoot · 6 points · Posted at 06:37:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More like, "deepbreathing4me.exe has stopped responding..."

YoungKenobi · 5 points · Posted at 06:10:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The true meaning of r/hmmm

werekitty93 · 5 points · Posted at 12:10:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having a sleep over with a friend and I had reached that point of tired where my brain had kind of shut off but I was still awake. I was lost in thought put apparently I had been humming a looping tune for several minutes before my friend freaked out that she was gonna lose her mind if I didn't stop. Didn't even realise I was doing it.

whatsthepointnoe · 3 points · Posted at 03:49:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You hypnotized yourself lol

dutchshelbs · 3 points · Posted at 14:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once talking to my boyfriend and friend and they asked me something but I literally hit this void in my mind and instead of just saying no I went noooooooooooooo for like 3 seconds. They burst out laughing thinking I was being a troll. They still don't know the truth.

Agelastos · 10 points · Posted at 03:14:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My goodness I nearly woke my girlfriend up by laughing at that 😂

JazzBunnyx · 3 points · Posted at 05:18:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is hilarious 😂

Pyrowish · 3 points · Posted at 07:00:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to hmmmmm along with the vacuum, still do sometimes

heegyman · 3 points · Posted at 08:20:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's the noise my fridge makes

PoiLethe · 3 points · Posted at 08:42:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe OP is your fridge.

Peeche94 · 3 points · Posted at 11:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done that before. Luckily caught myself just as people turned around, so I turned around too as if to look at someone else like what the hell dude??

slasherxxx147 · 3 points · Posted at 12:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like you finally reached a higher plane of existence

lerufino · 4 points · Posted at 08:33:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once there was this kid who  Got into an accident and couldn't come to school  But when he finally came back  His hair had turned from black into bright white He said that it was from when The cars had smashed him so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

...

Im__not__creative_ · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That sounds creepy as shit

Shiranui42 · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heterodyning?

throawaycodependent · 2 points · Posted at 09:31:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school, my music teacher taught us to hum at different pitches like ancient monks.

So naturally, we all started doing it in math class while the teacher was trying to teach. It drove him crazy, since he couldn’t determine who was doing it. We were some gifted shitheads.

Bluerendar · 2 points · Posted at 16:22:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you matching the pitch of the projector?

I find I subconsciously do that sometimes if something is humming in the vicinity, especially if I'm humming a tune and stop paying attention to it.

DeepBreathing4Me · 2 points · Posted at 16:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that sometimes too. I remember once, I was watching TV and someone across the street was mowing their lawn. When the lawn mower stopped, I realized I had been humming along with it. I have no idea how long I was doing it for.

Luckily, I was alone in the room and nobody noticed.

misssoci · 2 points · Posted at 09:44:41 on December 31, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once in Sunday school. I think I was trying to read to myself and was humming to drown out the other kid reading out loud. I was doing it so loud the whole class stopped to look at me. It makes me uncomfortable to even think about it.

joe_xx · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Must've seemed like a cat who's unhappy about whoever is near them, the poor teacher must've been pretty weirded out by the weirdo warning the them to go away like a cat lol

Lord_LudwigII · 2 points · Posted at 07:32:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That sounds like something I'd do on purpose.

wee_potato · 1 points · Posted at 08:36:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You became the projector

[deleted] · -2 points · Posted at 05:13:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

seven_grams · 8 points · Posted at 08:06:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Loooooollllll i bet evry1 thot dat sh*t wuz so funy xDdDD roflcopter!11!!!

FuckingFuckPissBack · 5 points · Posted at 10:49:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Roflcopter is almost as old as this kid

seven_grams · 4 points · Posted at 10:51:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this kid was born after advice animals. his mom birthed him to the “tro lo lo lo lo” song.

[deleted] · 10773 points · Posted at 21:49:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the doctor's office, took off my jumper for a flu shot, realized my t-shirt was on inside out. Got home, took off my t-shirt, realized my bra was inside out. Sigh.

tommyservo · 9338 points · Posted at 23:02:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

... went to the bedroom, took off my bra, realized my boobs were inside out..

WeirdMexicanGirl · 2103 points · Posted at 23:22:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Relatable.

llamerguy · 1211 points · Posted at 23:38:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

So THAT'S what makes you weird.

cutelyaware · 84 points · Posted at 23:59:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, you try walking around with your boobs out of whack.

silly_gaijin · 7 points · Posted at 14:15:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So relatable!

LeSirJay · 50 points · Posted at 01:31:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now to find out what makes her mexican.

Shoppers_Drug_Mart · 22 points · Posted at 05:07:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Genetics

It's genetics.

skelebone · 7 points · Posted at 16:42:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

los pechos invertidos

LecheQuemada · 4 points · Posted at 17:30:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

las tetas al revés

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 03:08:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Oh I thought it was because she was a mexican

I'm kidding pls dont downvote

Spineless_McGee · 21 points · Posted at 00:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Deflatable

Shangtia · 27 points · Posted at 00:08:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

).(Y).(

Look about right?

d-rock87 · 41 points · Posted at 00:10:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think just ).( ).(

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 01:59:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mondays, man.

dj-kitty · 8 points · Posted at 00:30:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out.

SepeVo · 4 points · Posted at 01:59:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sigh

VibeKiller75 · 2 points · Posted at 04:30:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out.

fatbean100 · 2 points · Posted at 15:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Deflatable

UncookedMarsupial · 4 points · Posted at 01:02:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to date a girl with her boobs on her back. She wasn't much to look at but she was a blast to dance with!

MyAchingB4ck · 1 points · Posted at 15:47:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't I see you in at least one of the hellraiser movies?

Biches17 · 140 points · Posted at 23:27:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took off my boobs realized my heart was inside out

i_hardly_knowername · 44 points · Posted at 00:13:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Swallowed my pride, choked on the rinds, realized my blender was inside out

cATSup24 · 15 points · Posted at 02:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rendezvous now I'm through with you

drfeelokay · 6 points · Posted at 00:09:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You and Art Garfunkle wrote that line together.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 00:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That could be a line in a poem or a song lyric.

gamblingman2 · 4 points · Posted at 02:49:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You mean there's not just supposed to be only the feeling of a galactic black hole of cold emptiness there?

Hamos_Dude · 4 points · Posted at 09:34:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took off my heart and realized my head is inside out

choloepushoffmanni · 10 points · Posted at 01:11:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Inverted nipples are a thing

Gfiti · 35 points · Posted at 23:29:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

... went to bed, took off my boobs, realized my skin was inside out..

cantfindthistune · 17 points · Posted at 00:16:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...got under the blanket, took off my skin, realized my bones were inside out...

SnootyEuropean · 9 points · Posted at 00:29:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Time to get some personal space

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:01:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't even want this skin in my personal space

EpicGamer9173 · 19 points · Posted at 23:38:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my boobs off, realized I was inside out

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 00:03:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...and it kept going, I was inside out, the bathroom was inside out, the whole world was inside out. But when everything's inside out...nothing is.

WonkyLopper · 7 points · Posted at 00:09:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the bathroom, swallowed my doubt and turned it inside out. Found nothing but faith in nothing.

Stormwolf1O1 · 3 points · Posted at 02:13:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

... sat on the bed, took off my inverted boobs, realized this wasn't my house..

I immediately ran out, leaving my boobs on the bed...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:40:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That.... that sounds like a medical emergency

Se7enLC · 2 points · Posted at 02:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't make fun, I have innies.

cjg_mia · 2 points · Posted at 08:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Inside-out-ception

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took off my boobs, realized my entire body was inside out

angelsandairwaves93 · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can fix that for you big boi ;)

Flufftacular · 1 points · Posted at 07:22:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m actually a man

Dan6erbond · 1 points · Posted at 10:04:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why do I recognize you?

tommyservo · 1 points · Posted at 17:39:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you play GTA:O on PS4? Might be that.

Dan6erbond · 1 points · Posted at 17:43:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, I play on PC. But I am active over on r/gtaonline. Could that be it?

tommyservo · 1 points · Posted at 18:05:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Could be that or r/gtavcustoms.

Dan6erbond · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:45 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

That could be, yeah.

kejovo · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We've all been there

slater124 · 1 points · Posted at 12:39:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to my house, only to realize my Bedroom was inside out..

RedditSucksEnormousD · 1 points · Posted at 13:37:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you the same tomservo from YouTube?

Martin_Phosphorus · 1 points · Posted at 14:34:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Inverted nipples?

lolkdrgmailcom · 1 points · Posted at 21:35:37 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

You must have some voluptuous back muscles.

Hurray_for_Candy · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just looked down to check and my boobs are inside out at this very moment.

SlippingStar · -4 points · Posted at 00:23:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

/#crossdresserproblems

SCP_4999 · 272 points · Posted at 23:27:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tbf at that point you're just dressing yourself but backwards

alfredonobel · 47 points · Posted at 00:05:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really it's like you're dressing everything BUT you

SnootyEuropean · 11 points · Posted at 00:29:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Only if she put on the bra outside the shirt tho

Jake_Lloyd · 6 points · Posted at 01:59:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever considered a career in stripping?

mikeno1lufc · 16 points · Posted at 01:14:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar a few weeks back except my t shirt said "Obama turned my frog gay with chemicals".

Somehow I hadn't considered that I would have to take my jumper off for this. The doctor laughed and chose not to ask questions.

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 01:25:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

grissomza · 9 points · Posted at 02:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tbf the t shirt sleeve can affect the accuracy of the BP, so sometimes taking it off would be best

viciousbreed · 9 points · Posted at 05:58:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If she's a nurse, I reckon she's seen far worse. If she hasn't yet... she will soon look back fondly on the days of, "Remember when you saw a brain-fog patient without a shirt?" "Haha, yeah, just like that time you had to reach through a gunshot wound full of shredded human bone and viscera to palpate a patient's heart?" Or some shit. I am clearly not a nurse, but I have nurse/paramedic friends who have... stories. The point is, I used to be embarrassed about stuff like that, but people in the medical field see so much shit, all the time. Don't feel bad about your shirt removal. Hell, it probably made their day! Shirts are overrated, anyway.

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 01:00:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unrelated but when I was first learning English (I’m Korean) this book of Konglish warned me that “jumper” for “jacket” (in Korean its more like jam-ba) was bad konglish. Is it ok to say jumper in place of jacket now?

notpetelambert · 28 points · Posted at 01:35:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jumper is English English, sweater or jacket is how you say it in American! I learned that the first time I read the English version of Harry Potter instead of the American one, and Mrs. Weasley knits Christmas jumpers instead of sweaters.

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 01:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

WHAT?! you mean my book of konglish was actually a book of English English?! Mind blown! Thanks for the knowledge kind stranger!

pdy18 · 6 points · Posted at 04:02:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To clarify, it is the version on English spoken in certain areas of England. Most of the United States would not understand the word "Jumper".

jlaray · 2 points · Posted at 17:32:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's hilarious, I first learned what jumper was from seeing the Chamber of Secrets movie, when they're all eating breakfast at the Weasley's and Ginny goes "Mummy have you seen my jumper?" "Oh yes, it was on the cat!"

viciousbreed · 8 points · Posted at 06:19:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you are talking to Americans (like me), you probably wouldn't use the term "jumper." We say "jacket" for any light, open-front garments (or even for hoodies). "Sweaters" are like big knit garments that are usually solid (no zippers). But if you go to the UK or Australia, I think they would know what you mean!

ButterscotchKitten · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

In Australia you would say jacket when it has a zip and jumper when it doesn't

[deleted] · 29 points · Posted at 00:24:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bras can be inside out?

AlwaysHopelesslyLost · 24 points · Posted at 00:43:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It probably wasn't a molded or padded bra.

prone_to_laughter · 10 points · Posted at 03:06:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They are not like as hard as bike helmets lol. More like a baseball cap? So if you could manage to wear a baseball hat inside out, you could do it with a bra. And I’ve definitely managed to put mine on in some weirdly wrong ways lol

stevethecow · 10 points · Posted at 04:18:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

May have been a sports bra

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 03:57:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once went to the doctor’s office for a flu shot, unbuttoned my shirt and pulled it off. Upon turning around and seeing me in my bra, my doctor said “Uh...I just need your shoulder...”

I have no idea why I took off my shirt. My doctor was real hot, though. Maybe that was it.

MsWhimsy · 12 points · Posted at 01:18:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds of a time in my life when I was super stressed out and put my bra on over my shirt. It really cracked me up... So I put a zippy sweatshirt over all of it so I could then later show my boyfriend what an idiot I am.

viciousvalk · 9 points · Posted at 01:44:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Something similar happened to me! Put on my thong backwards, then later in the day when I went to the bathroom I noticed it was backwards. Fixed it, but then the next time I went to the bathroom it was inside out. Not my proudest moment

IcarianSkies · 7 points · Posted at 01:42:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was well and truly baffled one morning, trying to get dressed, when I couldn't figure out why my bra just wouldn't fasten correctly. It was inside out. Took me way too long to realise.

leechpeen · 6 points · Posted at 01:07:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once worked a 6 hour shift with my shirt inside out, no one said anything and I hadn't looked in a mirror all day. In my defense though I did have to get up very early for that shift

Actually_a_Patrick · 13 points · Posted at 00:30:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend sometimes puts her bras and shirts on inside out. When I point it out she just says, "I don't care," and keeps doing whatever she was doing. She's great.

ahhh_ennui · 6 points · Posted at 03:48:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For an annual gyno exam, I took off my pants and shirt, put the robe on, then the blanket over my legs. Doc came in, we made small talk, I put my feet in the stirrups, and realized, as did my doc, I never took my panties off. She laughed, I felt so dumb.

I've had dozens of these exams, I just... Yeah.

Bugdu · 10 points · Posted at 00:00:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thats why you dont vacc /s

GALACTICA-Actual- · 5 points · Posted at 02:37:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday, I was so tired after a slew of blood draws and doctor visits and shots and shopping that I somehow managed to put my cardigan on wrong four times in a row while I was on the train home. I didn’t even know four wrong combinations existed, but apparently, they do!

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 03:33:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told my buddy at work that his jumper was on inside out, so he took it off to change it over. His t-shirt was on inside out. It had a logo and pattern and everything.

Thaxarybinks · 4 points · Posted at 14:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a therapist, made it through an entire day last week with my pants (leggings with pockets on the side) on inside out. I kept trying to put stuff in my pockets, and just was having such a hectic day that I didnt notice. No one told me until my last patient, a kid. Of course.

toeknee4742 · 3 points · Posted at 00:09:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is your name by chance Liz Lemon?

silly_gaijin · 3 points · Posted at 14:14:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've worn my bra inside-out all day multiple times. It always chafes more when it's like that.

severianSaint · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rough start

pknk6116 · 2 points · Posted at 04:07:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

if you're a member of Kriss Kross you're doing great! Otherwise, well...

heiklei · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you were consistent.

lol_is_5 · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is your doctor Bill Cosby?

tw231116 · 1 points · Posted at 13:40:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you put a bra on inside out, they don't even work that way.

dandatdan · 1 points · Posted at 14:14:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Somehow I manage to put my underwear on inside out at least once every three months or so.

astallasacastorbean · 1 points · Posted at 16:22:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve put my underwear on inside out multiple times. I usually realize when I use the loo at work.

MsCrazyPants70 · 1 points · Posted at 16:36:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've went to work with clothes inside out.

ohgodspidersno · 1 points · Posted at 19:02:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cut back to the doctor's office

"Nurse, where did /u/oh-tenenbaum go?"

newmyy · -2 points · Posted at 00:44:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plot twist: you're actually a man.

superpie5 · 13363 points · Posted at 22:15:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I work with preschoolers and we sing songs to help them wash their hands, and I started singing the same song when I went out with some friends to a bar.

Edit: Thanks for the silver, friend!

Edit 2: The song goes “Wash, wash, wash your hands, wash them everyday. Scrub, scrub, scrub the germs and wash them down the drain,” to the tune of Row Your Boat.

paradox037 · 1442 points · Posted at 01:22:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of the time I went on a first date with a girl I met online who was working with preschoolers as part of her training to become a teacher. She treated me like a preschooler. Whenever I told any kind of story, she had to give me a “yay” and extra soft patty-cake-style double high fives. I’m quite certain my body language made my discomfort very clear, but she was not deterred.

There was no second date.

GALACTICA-Actual- · 384 points · Posted at 02:41:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww that’s kind of funny.

When I have a bunch of kindergarten classes, I subconsciously do stuff like that. High fives, and speaking really slowly and enunciating (teaching English as a Foreign Language) even with other native English speakers.

I’m lucky, as most people I’m hanging out with either are or have been teachers, and most have taught that age at least occasionally, so they’re just light-hearted ribbing, but damn.

It’s like your whole being is wrapped up for hours a day in “they’re really tiny humans, don’t break them!” and you can’t turn it off after a while.

[deleted] · 131 points · Posted at 04:10:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

rubyjuicebox · 67 points · Posted at 04:23:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Baby signed? Is this an official easier version of sign language or just a teacher thing?

DoIt4SciNce · 114 points · Posted at 04:34:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a type of sign language people teach infants so they can sign things like hungry, poop, etc

kisafan · 38 points · Posted at 04:53:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The baby sign is the regular sign for finished, i believe

userdmyname · 52 points · Posted at 04:50:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister did this with my nephew, there was also a kid in my town that was thought this. I thought it was the coolest thing that a kid so young could communicate... until they get to be 2yo and need therapy to get them to talk.

jojewels92 · 74 points · Posted at 05:56:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's not typical. Most babies who learn multiple languages early on have better language development.

[deleted] · 46 points · Posted at 05:56:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My niece is three and an AVID talker. My sister taught her BSL and they used it heavily, but my sister also always said the word out loud when signing it. I think she started talking a teeeeny bit later than my siblings and I did, but she had no trouble catching up and I'm pretty sure she out-talks her peers now. I don't think that it's ever been evidenced or demonstrated (besides anecdotes) that BSL hinders speech development.

userdmyname · 2 points · Posted at 16:55:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My nephew is 7 and still pretty quite, but that’s just the way he is, it was a bit of a stuggle but they broke through with him eventually, the other girl had some real issues talking, she was mute till 4 maybe.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 17:30:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every kid is different! The thing is that they probably would have e had those delays regardless — but sign gave them a way to still communicate their needs. So go their parents for making sure they had that :)

I did find a study: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1006653828895

Though it hasn't been studied as much as it should, but this is something at least.

jjjanuary · 52 points · Posted at 05:42:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That hasn't been my experience at all. We did baby sign language with our kids and there's been no delay in talking.

userdmyname · 10 points · Posted at 05:51:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, my experience is with 2 children in total, I’m not an expert,

doppleron · 5 points · Posted at 16:56:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We did this. My older daughter started talking really early regardless. My younger daughter managed to make her signing into demands, which foreshadowed how she would talk. From the womb she was annoyed when things weren't going her way. She still knows -exactly- what she wants.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 12:02:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Babies and toddlers don’t have the fine motor skills for real sign language. Baby sign is modified versions of real signs but has less finger movements

ronvon1 · 28 points · Posted at 05:03:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👐🤲👐🤲 “all done”?

tesseract4 · 3 points · Posted at 17:14:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

✋👈 "more" 😁

geekychica · 2 points · Posted at 12:39:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a toddler and I definitely say “all done” and do the baby sign all the time when I’ve finished something. On the plus side, we’re trying to teach her manners, so I say please and thank you a lot more now too.

TypeOneAuthor · 103 points · Posted at 05:49:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a daycare teacher, I primarily worked with toddlers. I loved the job so much that one time, when my dad was wiping his face with his t-shirt, I went “where’s dad? There he is!”

My parents stared at me, and my dad told me I needed to quit.

Stitch82 · 37 points · Posted at 06:44:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is gonna be one of those things that I remember later on and just randomly burst out laughing.

1bigredbug · 23 points · Posted at 07:15:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This actually made me laugh out loud! "Where's dad? There he is!"

TypeOneAuthor · 22 points · Posted at 07:16:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I felt like such an idiot. It’s possible I even said “where’s daddy?” To make it more childish.

1bigredbug · 5 points · Posted at 08:28:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha, I was going to put daddy, but thought it would put a creepy sexual spin on it!

Batman_AoD · 13 points · Posted at 06:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were they kidding? That seems mean.

TypeOneAuthor · 27 points · Posted at 06:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yeah of course, it was like “I think you need a new profession with grown ups, honey.” But obviously joking.

nickifoxx · 38 points · Posted at 07:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a parrot and we speak to him in a child-like voice, so when I feed him I say "Yum!" and he in turn says the same. I really wish I could stop saying it when the waiter brings my food at a restaurant. Every. Single. Time. "YUM!"

Strudol · 6 points · Posted at 08:33:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just want to say that I love your user name! So say we all!

throwawaygayguy32 · 156 points · Posted at 03:03:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time while i was eating with a friend who was watching her young niece, she saw me taking a bite of my food and said in baby speak, "aww does he wike his wittle nibbles?"

The silence after she said it was deafening. We just stared each other in the eyes for a good 20 seconds until one of us started laughing

SuperSMT · 3 points · Posted at 13:18:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Which one?

strawberryblueart · 3 points · Posted at 19:55:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even saying that to a small child is a bit much.

lesbrianna · 121 points · Posted at 04:30:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That reminds me of an ex of mine who clapped excitedly after I had finished masturbating for her. She works with kids of all ages as her day job.

marksman678 · 96 points · Posted at 04:43:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao what the fuck

RichVader69 · 24 points · Posted at 04:57:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My thoughts exactly

AaronVsMusic · 40 points · Posted at 05:00:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh no

Dr_Wombo_Combo · 11 points · Posted at 05:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh no

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 06:23:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Blasterus · 1 points · Posted at 19:20:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh

Slammpig · 10 points · Posted at 05:46:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Soooooo....... is she single?

UpsetLime · 8 points · Posted at 09:05:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

... That's hot.

9989989 · 3 points · Posted at 22:11:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also clap excitedly when I finish masturbating

TropicalPriest · 25 points · Posted at 04:18:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know a girl who does not work with children but is still like this.

ZeePirate · 46 points · Posted at 01:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s creepy

fryyybo · 42 points · Posted at 03:11:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

if it had just happened once or twice automatically and she was like oh shit wtf i feel like it would have been kind of cute

[deleted] · 54 points · Posted at 05:03:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

MildlyShadyPassenger · 28 points · Posted at 06:36:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Having a small child, I can tell you that third person can become kind of a habit. "Daddy", "Mommy", "Grandma", and "<child's name>" are easier for small kids to keep straight than "Me" and "You".

Presumably because "me" and "you" change designation depending on who's speaking.

Vastiny · 4 points · Posted at 12:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad still does this very rarely out of the blue, and was doing it through my teenage years (which I didn't mind early on)

I just turned 24 and it feels like he still thinks I'm a little kid when the third person slips out

princesskate · 3 points · Posted at 14:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mum does it too. But she'll then she will revert to adult names for my father. Like, "mum is going to run to the shops, has James told you about the car?" It's a weird hybrid.

Vastiny · 2 points · Posted at 15:09:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man that sounds like it'd be very confusing for someone who isn't close to you or your parents, I'd probably go crazy myself if my parents did that

CWM_93 · 3 points · Posted at 10:38:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a teaching assistant at my school who used to do that. Even at 4 or 5, it seemed weird. It confused me, because I'd be like, "Wait, I thought YOU were Mrs Blah?"

AaronVsMusic · 11 points · Posted at 05:01:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I imagine the sex would have been unsettling.

Slammpig · 9 points · Posted at 05:47:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or totally awesome... maybe she was a freak on the bed too lol

kulamess · 11 points · Posted at 08:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

XD I'm a second grade teacher and I always congratulate my students and motivate them whenever they join the conversation.... So I often find myself giving "bravo"s and high fives when I'm talking to adults...

ermahgerdshoez · 7 points · Posted at 13:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this alllllll the time- but with my preschoolers. So when they do pretty much any positive activity from wiping their butt to using their manners to sounding out words, etc. My whole family is used to me telling them “thank you for using your words!” Fortunately they think it’s hilarious, though I’m pretty sure my boyfriend is tired of it.

xartion · 8 points · Posted at 04:27:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can 100% imagine this. Seems like some movie-like shit

GlaciusTS · 7 points · Posted at 04:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awhhh... after doing it once she was probably just trying to own it. Lol

LadyGeoscientist · 6 points · Posted at 05:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex brother in law started dating a girl who did this... she was so sweet but genuinely awful to spend time with.

IsLying · 3 points · Posted at 05:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You missed out my friend.

hack404 · 3 points · Posted at 05:12:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably not an accident

kharmatika · 2 points · Posted at 11:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like somehow that would work on me

doppleron · 2 points · Posted at 16:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, not really into the sweet bubbly thing. I always feel like one errant comment will crush you inner child; and I make a lot of errant comments. Show me your edge woman!

ionlypostdrunkaf · 4 points · Posted at 09:51:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why do people do that shit in the first place? I used to work in a daycare and i just treated the kids like fellow human beings. They seemed to really appreciate that when everyone else talks to them like they are mentally deficient puppies or something. Like i get that they are still developing and they lack experience, but that doesn't mean you need to put on an annoying voice and act weird around them.

paradox037 · 3 points · Posted at 13:25:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know what you mean! Growing up, I was a Boy Scout, and I had a lot of friends in my Troop. When I turned 18, I signed on as an adult member so I could keep going camping with all my friends. During the first camp out I went on as an adult, I was surprised how much the younger boys liked me until I realized that the other adults talked to them like they were either idiots or misbehaving kids. I was used to being one of them, so I just kept treating them like peers, even when giving out tasks.

Depending on how young we’re talking, some kids might appreciate the puppy-talk affection, but I think most covet the respect they are so often denied.

ionlypostdrunkaf · 2 points · Posted at 17:29:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The kids i looked after were only 3-5 years old, but even then i quickly became their favourite person there because i made an effort to treat them with respect. Every morning when i showed up to work a bunch of them would come running cause they were so excited to see me. All because i acted normal around them.

The whole condesending baby voice thing is a really weird phenomenon. I guess people see others doing it and figure that's just how you talk to children? Does nobody remember hating it as a kid? I sure do. That shit is so annoying.

paradox037 · 2 points · Posted at 17:42:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now that you mention it, that’s probably why I was so put off by her behavior. My experiences as a kid left me with a negative impression toward it.

Dat_Harass · 1 points · Posted at 09:02:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"This ones to soft." Wayne

flamedarkfire · 1 points · Posted at 13:54:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She’s gonna burn out quick.

TexasTmac · 103 points · Posted at 02:12:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair, my friends are basically preschoolers after a few hours at the bar.

CatDeeleysLeftNipple · 25 points · Posted at 07:11:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

/r/DrunkOrAKid

Have a few drinks and scroll through there.

SawConvention · 83 points · Posted at 05:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was singing it to the tune of Row Your Boat before I read the last part

ellapez · 37 points · Posted at 05:28:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did too. I kept looking in the comments hoping it wasn’t just me. I’ve never sung or heard that little hand wash song but I guess after the first wash our brains assume it’s going to be that. Or maybe I’m a psychic.

Iamloghead · 9 points · Posted at 05:41:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey I'm psychic too!

SyncJr · 5 points · Posted at 05:43:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. Maybe it was just the way she wrote it

SawConvention · 9 points · Posted at 05:42:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe since she claimed to be a preschool teacher, and the fact she said sing made us try and fit those words into a song? And only Row Row Row your boat made sense?

ellapez · 4 points · Posted at 06:12:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No sir, I started singing the tune in autopilot as though I knew it

HamBurglary12 · 126 points · Posted at 22:47:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands like me!

scienceandcultureidk · 24 points · Posted at 01:32:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably a song about a turtle and a rabbit driving up a hill. That's the one I used when I worked with kids anyway

sluttyankles · 6 points · Posted at 05:19:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Genuinely curious, how does the song go?

superpie5 · 13 points · Posted at 02:33:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We sing the song to the tune of “Row row row your boat,” haha

amburrito3 · 23 points · Posted at 04:46:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wash wash wash your hands wash them til they’re clean! Wash on top and and wash below and wash them in between!

teasus_spiced · 1 points · Posted at 18:13:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's much more satisfying. The other version doesn't rhyme well...

changeneverhappens · 47 points · Posted at 05:24:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a teacher and I couldn't get anyone to STFU for toasts and cake cutting at my wedding so I did the whole "if you can hear me, clap once, if you can hear me clap twice."

It worked.

Everyone was really confused and a little upset/amused but it ducking worked.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 13:37:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had admins do this to groups of teachers. I always find it kind of awkward and demeaning but they do it repeatedly so I know it's purposeful.

changeneverhappens · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:35 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah they like to run our professional developments like we're students. I know it's to model the methods so we use them in the class but I find it extremely patronising.

I try not to patronize my kids, please don't patronize me 🤷

shaim2 · 46 points · Posted at 08:03:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my son was in kindergarten there was a "how to eat lunch politely" song they sang every day.

Then in the evening, when we fed the dogs, my son would insist we sing then the same song.

Now my son is 9. The dogs still refuse to eat until I sing then the bloody song.

AnathematicCabaret · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:25 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

What's the song?

shaim2 · 1 points · Posted at 06:46:37 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's in Hebrew, and I'm pretty sure they made up the tune

DaddiesCummies3 · 83 points · Posted at 06:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the gym, some guy started sprinting across the room tripped and ate it right in front of me. I IMMEDIATELY blurted out “this is why we use our walking feet.” We just stared at each other until he got up, walked incredibly slow, and said “like this?” It was mortifying/hilarious. Another time my bf had friends over and we were all drinking. Two of his friends got into an argument that started to get heated, they jumped up and began to yell at one another. I went into autopilot rushed in between them and “you guys need a body break. N go sit on the stairs, R go sit over there. I’ll come get you when you’re ready to be nice.” AND THEY DID IT

Cattalion · 20 points · Posted at 10:21:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I. Love. This.

aflockofboofsisabeef · 31 points · Posted at 02:14:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Say “Bye bus!”

A_LittleBirdieToldMe · 14 points · Posted at 03:34:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Byyyyeee, buuuuus!

MacNamara_McCreary · 86 points · Posted at 01:34:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If turnt enough, the group will sing along and just go with it. Get an Irish bar drunk enough, and you can get them all to sing some hilarious songs.

MacDerfus · 38 points · Posted at 02:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or an improv group and tell them they're playing Irish drinking song and the suggestion is washing your hands

jobblejosh · 31 points · Posted at 04:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oohhhhh....

🎶 Hi-de-diddly-hi-de-da-de-di-de-di-de-da!

When I went to the loo one day,

I had to wash my hands!

The water, it splashed everywhere,

It tasted very bland!

...

xxxsur · 14 points · Posted at 05:04:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I concur. Friends and me sing baby shark when drunk...

BotiaDario · 57 points · Posted at 04:17:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The transition to communicating with adults sometimes fails to happen for me. So I'll find myself cheerfully telling grown humans, "good job!" or "that was a great observation!"

Also: "Thank you, that was an excellent use of your manners!"

"I'm impressed that you knew that! Have you been watching animal planet?"

"I'm proud of how kind you were to my friend!"

"Oh dear, your shoelace is untied! I don't want you to trip!"

Teaching has also robbed me of most of my foul vocabulary. One word I don't use much anymore is "stupid". My workaround for that is "makes poor life choices", usually used when explaining that picking up a wild animal unless you're an expert is a dangerous thing to do. I used to say it was stupid, and kids called me out for saying a bad word. This topic does come up a lot, because I travel with animals, mostly reptiles, and teach with them.

crumb_bucket · 24 points · Posted at 06:31:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For me, the one I can't turn off is "No thank you!" - whether it's my cat shredding furniture, my 10-year-old tossing his socks on the floor, or my husband throwing away something I need, they're going to hear it. And they pretty much all look at me like I'm crazy.

BotiaDario · 13 points · Posted at 08:41:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently ask my cats if they are using their best manners.

Sometimes the answer is, yes, yes they are, they literally don't have better ones.

AbhorrentTorrent · 11 points · Posted at 08:06:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I'm the same! Spend most of my time saying no thank you to people when they do things they're not supposed to.

hazydaisy420 · 26 points · Posted at 02:10:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My best friend was a PSW and worked in nursing homes and home care. At the bar every once and a while she will do a full minute scrub on her hands wrist and lower arm. I've caught her drunk as a skunk taking off all her jewelry to wash her hands before.

52in52Hedgehog · 2 points · Posted at 10:29:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
teh-butterfly · 24 points · Posted at 02:29:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar when putting a magazine back at the supermarket, while reading it in the checkout line. "Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up."

ThaneOfCawdorrr · 47 points · Posted at 01:55:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my son was in preschool I can't tell you how many times I asked coworkers if they needed to go potty

cheesegoat · 28 points · Posted at 04:50:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

/holds up hand in meeting

"I have to go potty"

ThaneOfCawdorrr · 5 points · Posted at 05:18:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peepee potty or poopoo potty? Do you want a poopoo present?

choralmaster · 22 points · Posted at 04:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a speech language pathologist and I started out working exclusively with the 0-3 population for a few years. I finally got myself a job at the hospital, where I work with adults too, and my wife told me she was so happy when I did. Reason being is because I was talking to her like a 3 year old without me even noticing. And when I finally started working with adults again, I started talking to her like an adult again. :)

chasing_dopamine · 22 points · Posted at 01:51:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turn on the water, wet your hands, squirt some soap in the palm of your hand. Wash, wash, wash away from the water. Wash, wash, wash it may take longer. Rinse your hands and the soap goes away, get a paper towel to dry, turn off the water, hooray!

prone_to_laughter · 20 points · Posted at 03:18:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the way we wash our hands, wash our hands, wash our hands

My son’s OT is all about singing EVERYTHING to him. Love her to death but hate that freaking tune. I just need some melodic variety!

froelexai · 19 points · Posted at 04:09:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a preschool aged daughter, and I catch myself asking other adults if they have to go potty before we leave a place.

skinships · 16 points · Posted at 02:06:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always make a smacking noise and go "mmhm yum!!" when I eat out with friends bc I do it with my kiddos during meal times hahahah

jananslam · 17 points · Posted at 07:24:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two months ago my wife and I and some friends were high altitude trekking in Nepal. It was day 4 and we were all so tired though in great, happy spirits.

Deliriously and out of nowhere, my wife claps her hands to a beat and sings “EVERYBODY WASH YOUR HANDS!” and stops. Looks at us with a very worried face. And says, “I... I don’t know why I just said that.”

give_me_ur_formuoli · 17 points · Posted at 04:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a 3yo and, without fail, whenever I need to go to the bathroom I say that I have to go “potty.”

Laurifish · 14 points · Posted at 04:40:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to teach preschool. After work one day I went to dinner with some girlfriends. When my meal arrived I cut the entire plate of pasta into bite sized pieces before I began eating.

AnathematicCabaret · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:55 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always do this knowingly and don't plan on stopping. I get made fun of for baby cutting my food, but I like eating that way

wurly_toast · 15 points · Posted at 03:31:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let me guess.. To the tune of Row Your Boat: Wash, wash, wash your hands, wash the germs away, if you don't, you might get sick and that would spoil your dayyyy. Haha

superpie5 · 11 points · Posted at 03:35:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We sing: Wash, wash, wash your hands, wash them everyday. Scrub, scrub, scrub the germs and wash them down the drain!

wobowobo · 6 points · Posted at 08:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wash wash wash your hands

Wash them nice and clean

Scrub the bottom and the top

And fingers in between

vpsj · 14 points · Posted at 05:43:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sorry but if I sing this to the tune of Row your boat I can't help but say "scrubbily scrubbilly scrubbilly scrubbilly"

rusmo · 13 points · Posted at 01:22:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s actually super helpful.

Avamouse · 13 points · Posted at 05:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did not need you to specify that it was row your boat.... my brain just did it automatically.

cantwaitforthis · 7 points · Posted at 05:28:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am a dad, sang it to row row row your boat before i read it was that tune. We sing everything in our lives though. "Pour the cereal in the bowl, then we add the milk. Pour the cereal in the bowl, then we add the milk!'

hellraisinhardass · 9 points · Posted at 06:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Huh. I like it. I'm going to sing that a work and in the airport restrooms from now on. Its not too often you can sound insane, wise and health conscious all at the time.

psychobutcute · 6 points · Posted at 05:56:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last time I went to a pub I sang head and shoulders knees and toes with 2 strangers. Can totally relate

superpie5 · 5 points · Posted at 06:01:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Those are the best nights

lloyd1024 · 4 points · Posted at 05:10:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is it:

Wash wash wash your hands,

Wash the dirt away,

If you don’t you might get sick,

And that will ruin your day!

ZeroOverZero · 5 points · Posted at 05:32:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I knew immediately exactly how that was sung before seeing your explanation

eldara_ember · 4 points · Posted at 05:58:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I too was a preschool teacher

I read this to the tune of "row, row, row your boat" before I read that it was supposed to be that way

TheDragonBrand · 3 points · Posted at 05:51:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's how I first read it xD never heard it before....

casual_bear · 3 points · Posted at 06:08:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

how do you sing "SCRUB, SCRUB...." like "merily, merily..."???????

whitewolf21 · 3 points · Posted at 07:52:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess it's because of the triiple use of "wash" in the song, but I read it in the right melody even before I saw the end of the sentence.

esr00 · 3 points · Posted at 11:58:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always just browse Reddit anonymously, but I felt compelled to login to reply to this.

I was in federal prison and in the drug program (gives 6-12 months off sentence) and this song was on a paper on the wall in our bathrooms.

The drug program was such a silly thing that I could write a book about all the stories but this one is related to the song. In the 9 month program, you have to get at least one pull-up every 10 weeks. A pull-up is where you basically call someone's bad behavior to their attention in front of 95 other men and then people give the person feedback on why that behavior was wrong and a plan of action to correct their behavior. Basically considered snitching by inmates but necessary to progress through the program. So people would set up minor pull-ups as the real things like gambling or stealing etc were off limits.

Anyways, pulling someone up for not washing their hands was a common made-up (and sometimes real) pull-up that was done since the feedback and plans of action were always minor. (Nobody wanted to get pulled up for something like gambling and face severe consequences like getting kicked out of the program.) This guy got pulled up for not washing his hands and my cellie (one of the 4 other people who lived in my room aka cellmate) gave the funniest plan of action. He said, "do you know the sign in the bathroom with the song? It goes like this (... repeats song...) for one week, whenever you use the bathroom I want you to loudly sign this song 3 times when washing your hands so that you don't forget to wash your hands in the future." It was the talk of the prison for a week of course.

Not much point to the story, but I never saw or heard that song in my life except in that prison bathroom and now today on Reddit.

narutopia · 2 points · Posted at 04:56:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Top and bottom Top and bottom In between In between Wash them all around Wash them all around Now they’re clean Now they’re clean 🧼

exstreams1 · 2 points · Posted at 05:33:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I still remember those lyrics

Reditate · 2 points · Posted at 05:48:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Random people in the stall probably laughed upon hearing that, causing them to relax their sphincter and quickening their bowel movements so they can get back to drinking. Its a win win!

rvsixsixsix · 2 points · Posted at 05:50:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks, now I have that song stuck in my head!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:07:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

can’t blame ya, it’s a bop

frankitx · 2 points · Posted at 06:18:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to sing this to the kids I used to take care of. Haven't sang it in about 10 years. Still remembered it.

SeattleBrad · 2 points · Posted at 06:19:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s such an easy rhyme here, “wash them all away” will rhyme with the first line.

FlyingQuokka · 2 points · Posted at 06:19:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Somehow I just knew the tune reading the song.

zsaneib · 2 points · Posted at 06:21:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't recall this song. Yet I still knew the tune

Niniju · 2 points · Posted at 06:22:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is it bad that I started out singing that to the Row Your Boat tune before being told that it was to the tune of Row Your Boat?

kuadhual · 2 points · Posted at 06:32:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reading the 2nd edit, I already sang the tune by the 3rd 'wash' before reading the end of the sentence. I never knew the song before.

Theo242 · 2 points · Posted at 06:36:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How was my brain able to make the tune before I got to the part where you said it? The heck

worldsbiggestwuss · 2 points · Posted at 06:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks for the earworm

imnutothis · 2 points · Posted at 07:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well thats it. I'm singing that song forever now.

CanePazzoTannen · 2 points · Posted at 07:50:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I knew It was the tune of row your boat!

Im__not__creative_ · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Somehow I knew the tune before you actually said it. I just instinctively knew it without ever hearing the song.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read that song in the tune of row your boat before I got to the part that said it was in that tune...

Sigh. I guess I'm officially a parent.

PhDOH · 2 points · Posted at 08:40:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My one is to the tune of Frere Jaques: "Soap and water, soap and water, Rub our hands, rub our hands, Scrub between our fingers, scrub between our fingers, Squeaky clean, squeaky clean."

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:52:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha, I left a preschool teacher comment as well!

MyotonicGoat · 2 points · Posted at 09:00:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere. Clean up, clean up, tone for us to do our share. Every. Time.

RepublicofPixels · 2 points · Posted at 09:05:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel really bad now that I realised that it was row your boat before I finished the song.

stimm88249 · 2 points · Posted at 11:40:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gonna be singing this in the shower for the rest of my life, substituting "hands" for each other body part.

Food-in-Mouth · 2 points · Posted at 11:49:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This takes me 25 years, thank you

QuirkyCryptid · 2 points · Posted at 11:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg we used to sing this in daycare why do I still instantly remember this??

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 12:02:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lady in line behind me dropped candy on the floor, instinctively told her not to eat it off the floor.

Spetchen · 2 points · Posted at 12:05:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We sing a good morning song to the kids at my preschool. Woke up today and my boyfriend said good morning, I sang the song automatically.

LealuSA · 2 points · Posted at 12:06:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol, I sing something similar to my daughter “brush, brush, brush your teeth”.

AaronMaaac · 2 points · Posted at 12:15:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly i sang it to that tune anyway, just saw the wash, aash, wash part and that was me off.

thegirlisok · 2 points · Posted at 12:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You seem like a great person and all but you missed a golden rhyming opportunity with away in the second stanza.

kittyspray · 2 points · Posted at 12:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Never heard the song before but automatically sang it in my head to the tune of row your boat before I even saw that was the tune.

Diezauberflump · 2 points · Posted at 12:43:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like that I knew the melody from the Leica alone.

putdrugsinyourbutt69 · 2 points · Posted at 12:46:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

everybody who has preschool aged children knows that song

bulbousbouffant13 · 2 points · Posted at 13:05:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Before reading your edit, I automatically sang it, in my head, to that tune. Now it's stuck in my head.

bernhardinjo · 2 points · Posted at 13:28:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my mind, I sang this to the tune of row your boat before reading that is has to been sung to the tone of row your boat

sadpanda8420 · 2 points · Posted at 14:00:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel you. I used to work with toddlers and we would sing the alphabet while washing hands, so they wash for the proper amount of time. I constantly find myself singing it while washing my hands alone.

Holycowmotherofgod · 2 points · Posted at 14:21:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was out with friends once, kinda drunk, and at one point said, "I need to go potty" and also signed the word "bathroom." I didn't live it down for a while.

SuddenTerrible_Haiku · 2 points · Posted at 14:33:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like the alternate versions. They always made it more intense.

"Wash, wash, wash your hands, wash them everyday. If you see a crocodile, don't for get to scream, HEY!"

TobiasMasonPark · 2 points · Posted at 15:20:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s just ridiculous. Germs don’t go down the drain, silly.

SasoDuck · 2 points · Posted at 15:25:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn’t even need you to tell me the tune, I was already singing it to Row Row Row Your Boat

topcorjor · 2 points · Posted at 15:41:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is fantastic. I don’t care who’s around, I’m singing this.

NewDayTomorrough · 2 points · Posted at 17:36:02 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brought my service dog in training to starbucks for the first time yesterday. She was settled and I asked a lady to pick up my drink for me. Her husband handed it to me and I said, "oooohhhh, Thank Youoooooo" in my dog voice.

DeathStarnado8 · 1 points · Posted at 11:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jp by any chance?

DeepThroatCreepShow · 1 points · Posted at 15:53:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our hand washing song is "Top and bottom, top and bottom, in between, in between. Rub your hands together, rub them both together, now they're clean, squeaky clean!

To the tune of brother john

JeromeW · 1 points · Posted at 16:01:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I was drunk I would totally appreciate that and wonder consider it extremely funny.

Clayton173694 · 1 points · Posted at 16:11:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dang.... I read it it to the batman theme tune.... Na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na BAAATMAN

SJExit4 · 17661 points · Posted at 21:58:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had recently been attending a lot of marital arts classes at night. One morning at work I accidentally bowed at my boss when I entered his office. This was in the US, neither of us are of Asian descent, and yes he noticed.

It was awkward.

alicia_tried · 7270 points · Posted at 22:34:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Marital Arts? Is that like how to keep the love alive type classes?

_14_glove · 2735 points · Posted at 22:59:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ya just gotta bow every now and again

btribble · 46 points · Posted at 00:19:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Except when it comes to the correct way to load a dishwasher.

The honor of the family is at stake.

WalkByFaithNotSight · 23 points · Posted at 00:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s a wrong way to load a dishwasher?

Honestly asking...for a friend.

btribble · 26 points · Posted at 00:37:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Indeed. However, such wisdom is largely brand and model specific in the same way that not two stone gardens should be raked the same way.

WalkByFaithNotSight · 14 points · Posted at 00:49:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ohhh, I thought you meant there were competing schools of thought on loading in the way you have two ways to load toilet paper - the right way (over the top) and the wrong way.

btribble · 13 points · Posted at 00:50:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seppuku is the only option.

GearAffinity · 10 points · Posted at 01:16:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nothing a friendly game of Sudoku can't solve.

Lerandomguy2 · 2 points · Posted at 05:46:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kermit Sudoku

hottfunky · 8 points · Posted at 01:32:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"The right way" and "because I have a cat".

jessievonghoul · 10 points · Posted at 00:48:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom used to tell me I loaded dishes in the wrong way. She never actually explained which way was wrong though. Is this some top secret knowledge that I and "your friend" don't know about?

Exirium · 11 points · Posted at 00:36:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's weird. I never have to load the dishwasher. I just leave all my dishes on the table and, without fail, I SWEAR TO GOD the dishes are in the dishwasher the VERY next morning. I can't explain why this happens but it does and it's amazing.

btribble · 6 points · Posted at 00:42:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

2 Meta 2 Late.

GALACTICA-Actual- · 3 points · Posted at 02:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t own one (yet, some day!) and I need to know the correct way so I don’t have to commit sudoku!

viciousbreed · 22 points · Posted at 04:46:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello, and welcome to Dishwasher 101!

It's not hard to load a dishwasher. You just have to look at how the water flows, and not actively block it or stack things like bowls too tightly together. Water sprayed from a couple of different angles should be able to access all the parts of the dish. Mine has a spinning jet thingy at the top of both levels (I give both of them a spin before I start the dishwasher to make sure I haven't accidentally put in a dish that's too tall), so I can stack things a bit differently than people who only have water jets at the top and bottom of the dishwasher.

As a rule, heavy, large things go on the bottom (like pots, pans, and plates), and light things (like cups and tupperware containers) go on the top. Depending on your dishwasher, the jets might flip light containers and cups on the bottom level, so they end up filled with nasty water by the end.

Definitely throw away any big chunks of food in the trash, even if you have a food disposal (some things don't go in the disposal, like potato peelings). Then, rinse off your dishes as soon as you are done with them, so you don't have old, gross ketchup or pasta getting all hard and growing germs. Dishwashers aren't magic, and caked-on food sometimes does not come off. Plus, you will have to deal with the giant chunks of food eventually, and mucking out a dishwasher after months/years of use can be disgusting. If you can't rinse something down the kitchen sink without a disposal, it should not go in the dishwasher. (As an aside, something like bacon grease should NEVER go down the kitchen sink or in the dishwasher, even when it's liquid, as it will solidify later and can cause a huge clog in your plumbing!)

I think the most important things to know about dishwashers are that you should NOT use regular dish soap in them (it will foam up WAY too much and overflow into the kitchen), and that NOT EVERYTHING can go in the dishwasher. Graphic mugs, for example, cannot always be washed. RIP my TARDIS mug. :( Nor can some nice pots and pans. Certain types of Calphalon not only can't go in there (the high temperatures and harsh detergents affect the finish), but it will void their lifetime warranty. Cast iron should also not be washed in the dishwasher.

Additionally, if you live in an area with a lot of hard water, you should run your empty dishwasher through a cycle with white vinegar once in a while. This applies to washing machines and coffee makers as well, since white vinegar is great for cleaning the mineral deposits, but that's a whole other topic.

I hope you have enjoyed Dishwasher 101.

tallybee · 2 points · Posted at 08:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have spent years trying to get my kids to grasp this.

Pondnymph · 5 points · Posted at 10:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It would be easier to demonstrate it the dishwasher had a glass front like the washing machine.

mathnerd3_14 · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How much vinegar would you use in a dishwasher/washing machine? I definitely need to do this.

Lecaia713 · 3 points · Posted at 12:14:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a top load washing machine: In an empty machine, set it to run a large wash on hot, and pour in about 1 US cup of vinegar. Run the "wash" as usual, but open it before it gets to the rinse cycle and let it sit for about 30 minutes. (This kills mold and mildew in the bottom of the tank where water collects, and also allows the vinegar to get into the hoses.) Put the lid back down, and finish off the wash. If you can run a second rinse, do that, just to get any remaining vinegar out.

For a front load washing machine: In an empty machine, set it to run a large wash on hot, but fill the bleach dispenser to full with vinegar. (All machines vary on how much they hold, so I can't tell you a specific amount.) Run the "wash" straight through, and run a second rinse if you can. Since front loaders can't be stopped in the middle of the wash, you may need to wash it again.

For dishwashers, it's roughly the same as a front load washing machine- empty machine, large wash on hot, fill detergent dispenser with vinegar, run wash, rinse, rinse again if you can. Repeat if needed.

For all of them, it shouldn't be much more than 1 US cup per wash, but certain machines (ie front load washers and dishwashers) may need two cleaning cycles to get fully clean.

mathnerd3_14 · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:27 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks!

Mrkieranc123 · 8 points · Posted at 00:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello.

DOLCICUS · 6 points · Posted at 00:41:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I don't bow... but I do bend over."

Pet_me_I_am_a_puppy · 5 points · Posted at 01:27:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*blow

WesleySnopes · 3 points · Posted at 01:00:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Read this as "blow"

aboveaverageheight · 2 points · Posted at 12:47:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Just gotta blow every now and again"

Stumpanator · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And again and again and again

[deleted] · 381 points · Posted at 23:11:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure their SO appreciates it when they bow to them.

Upup11 · 10 points · Posted at 00:24:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How else can you suck your boss if you dont bow?

Kneeling? Like a common harlot?

theskafather · 4 points · Posted at 01:03:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

/r/exmormon is leaking

wed_niatnuom · 3 points · Posted at 04:50:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you sell your tokens for money?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:39:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No I misplaced them. I have nobody I can pray to if I want to find misplaced tokens or keys. That is the problem with being me.

Rabid_Chocobo · 18 points · Posted at 23:19:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I take free marital arts classes. It’s all online though

FalmerEldritch · 12 points · Posted at 01:43:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shawn picked up the book very, very carefully, and turned a few pages.

"Hey, look at this one! He's doing it with his feet! I didn't know you could do it with your feet!" He nudged Ponder Stibbons. "Look, sir!"

Ridcully peered at the king.

"You all right, your majesty?" he said.

Verence squirmed.

"Um . . ."

"And, look, here's one where both chaps are doing it with sticks . . ."

"What?" said Verence.

"Wow," said Shawn. "Thank you, sire. This is going to really come in handy, I can tell you. I mean, I've picked up bits and pieces here and there, but-"

Verence snatched the book from Shawn's hands and looked at the title page.

"'Martial Arts"? Martial Arts. But I'm sure I wrote Marit-"

"Sire?"

ptrkhh · 9 points · Posted at 00:40:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What’s something weird/funny/embarrassing you’ve written on Auto Pilot?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We’ve got a two-fer!

SchrodingersCatPics · 6 points · Posted at 00:42:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“You see, marriage is like an orange...”

TheShattubatu · 8 points · Posted at 01:01:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently study the marital arts

I... accidentally ordered a book with all sorts of... pictures

Euchre · 3 points · Posted at 02:52:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait, Kama Sutra is not like Kung Fu?

StuckTiara · 2 points · Posted at 06:55:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These guys are doing it with sticks!

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 00:57:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife must've gone to the wrong class, the only move she learned was the raging demon.

JordanCardwell · 4 points · Posted at 01:03:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just read the word 'martial' on autopilot since I expected it to be there. Didn't even notice it was misspelled.

analviolator69 · 3 points · Posted at 01:54:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!!

DBX12 · 3 points · Posted at 11:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Marital Arts vs Martial Arts. Found the GTA San Andreas player

logicalmaniak · 2 points · Posted at 01:33:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

and, of course, tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along. Helen! Now, penetration and coitus-- That is to say, intercourse up to, and including, orgasm. Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter!

Euchre · 2 points · Posted at 02:52:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

attending a lot of marital arts classes at night

Yeah, I think that means 'sex'.

SureMulberry · 2 points · Posted at 03:27:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahaha that’s funny.

Houeclipse · 2 points · Posted at 03:55:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Its the art of teaming up with your spouses to double suplex an assailant

StuckTiara · 2 points · Posted at 06:51:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"These guys are doing it with sticks!" - Terry Pratchett

pepek88 · 2 points · Posted at 13:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I was like “this doesn’t feel right... but I guess I just haven’t seen the word for a long time”

Heartade · 2 points · Posted at 13:34:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wasn't that an easter egg in GTA:SA?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Legit gold.

seymour1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I attended marital arts classes I might not currently be in the midst of a messy divorce.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 4239 points · Posted at 22:19:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Are you bowing?” “No... this is how I walk.”

zombiegamer723 · 894 points · Posted at 23:10:39 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

"What do you need, Quasimodo?"

WalrusCSGO · 188 points · Posted at 23:24:14 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

NINE NINE

Apopholyptic · 49 points · Posted at 01:06:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

NINE NINE!!!

shrubs311 · 35 points · Posted at 01:15:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nine Nine!

MrDenkBoi · 25 points · Posted at 04:01:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

NOINE NOINE

go-with-the-flo · 72 points · Posted at 23:56:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

A wild B99 reference!! Killing it with the responses, OP!

lemmeseeyourkitties · 42 points · Posted at 00:08:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can I just say I'm so sad no one caught mine the other night. Someone used the word twas. I told them they couldn't impress me. No replies :(

JollyBroom4694 · 68 points · Posted at 00:18:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sold a guy a fake Pekingese. ‘Twas a cat

Don’t try and impress me with your use of ‘Twas

‘Twasnt trying to

Kierlikepierorbeer · 21 points · Posted at 03:17:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Doug Judy’s eyes are always so sparkly and full of loveable mischief!

Joeliosis · 24 points · Posted at 00:27:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's surprising how many times it worked.

AubinCLemar · 5 points · Posted at 09:27:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah he twasnt.

pepcorn · 10 points · Posted at 05:26:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw, that's sad. It was a good reference

AubinCLemar · 6 points · Posted at 09:27:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But it twaint.

AtypicalFlame4 · 20 points · Posted at 00:09:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve watched b99 3 times and I didn’t get this reference, I was gonna respond with We don’t do that here

thenewtomsawyer · 24 points · Posted at 00:39:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
ILoveFuckingGeese · 12 points · Posted at 05:08:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just started watching Brooklyn 99 yesterday ! I understood this reference !

ThatOneWilson · 10 points · Posted at 06:26:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're in for a wonderful time, friend. Started for the first time about 2 weeks ago and finished Season 5 on Monday. NINE NINE!

GreatFrostHawk · 7 points · Posted at 03:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

NINE NINE!

Kierlikepierorbeer · 7 points · Posted at 03:17:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

NINE NINE!!!!

Cheesetoast9 · 5 points · Posted at 01:28:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a graduate of the Ministry of Silly Walks you know...

P0sitive_Outlook · 4 points · Posted at 03:02:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My colleague is Bulgarian and once asked what i had for lunch that day. I said "Oh i've got chicken legs, but i tell people it's just the way i walk" and she lost her shit.

Kevin_Malone11 · 4 points · Posted at 02:37:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Back pain"

UsuallyInappropriate · 3 points · Posted at 01:32:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

’...and now, I will do... karate to you!’

BunjeeGum · 3 points · Posted at 06:19:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And "I don't know what potato is"..

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:26:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

YES

oh_not_again_please · 2 points · Posted at 08:39:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is nowhere near silly enough for a development grant!

AubinCLemar · 2 points · Posted at 09:26:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"You walk like you're bowing?"

"Fuck, yea okay I was bowing, I bowed..."

HappyLittleRadishes · 263 points · Posted at 23:46:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

"We don't do that here"

TexasFightHookEmHorn · 8 points · Posted at 00:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn beat me to it. Have an upvote.

Zombie_Pigdragon · 5 points · Posted at 03:11:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well.

Classified0 · 75 points · Posted at 00:14:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

neither of us are of Asian descent

I think it would have been worse if he was. He might have thought you were mocking his heritage.

KuFuBr · 164 points · Posted at 22:54:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do martial arts as well and stuff like this happens to me all the time!

seymour1 · 21 points · Posted at 02:09:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually just end up kicking my boss in the face.

princess__bourbon · 11 points · Posted at 02:33:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's when you pass your wife's guard during sexytime that you have to worry.

seymour1 · 5 points · Posted at 02:35:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I didn’t pass her guard there would be no sexy times.

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 03:05:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking down the street and someone called "Oi" from right behind me. I turned straight into guard stance and this guy said "Shit i thought you were gonna lump me mate!:D" He wanted to ask for directions.

campbeln · 5 points · Posted at 02:35:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do Taekwon-Do and part of our protocol is to have the back of our left hand under our elbow when we shake hands.

I can't not shake hands this way anymore, so now I've just learned to go with it.

Gearheart8 · 2 points · Posted at 19:38:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After eight years of tax kwon do I share the struggle. We also bowed in and out at the door at my studio, the amount of buildings I've bowed when entering and leaving is atrocious.

molten1111 · 3 points · Posted at 02:33:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is it a deep nod or a full on bow? If former then that's quite alright, the latter then you guys are fucking out of control and need serious help ASAP!!!

KuFuBr · 1 points · Posted at 10:05:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do kung fu and our greeting is the same you can see in many martial arts movies and also in kung fu panda. Right fist and left hand and a tiny bow. No need to get help, thank you. :)

WatchOut_ItsThat1Guy · 34 points · Posted at 23:42:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bow to your sensei! BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!

DepressionsDildo · 9 points · Posted at 00:01:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought this said bow to yourself and now I can't stop laughing

wadenator · 3 points · Posted at 14:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"No matter how the wind blows, the mountain cannot bow to it."

grobnicanka · 32 points · Posted at 00:30:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been doing martial arts for over 20 years. Once, back in college, I had to give a presentation in front of a class/lecture of over 65 students, and so when the professor called my name, I walked down to the front to the podium where the professor was standing waiting for me so he could hook my laptop up to the projector. Once he plugged it in and everything was ready, he turned to me and said "okay, you're good to go!" I responded with "thank you sifu" and did the open-palm-closed-fist bow. In front of 65 students.

I like to think that helped me get the A on that presentation that I definitely did not deserve.

Fumblerful- · 2 points · Posted at 02:03:55 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Good to go!"

Bow. Begin Eagle Claw Opening. Finish and say

"So I did my project on Hegelian Dialectics applied to modern financial institutions, namely Chinese Martial Arts Studios."

Fumblerful- · 2 points · Posted at 02:04:34 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Which branch of Kung Fu?

grobnicanka · 2 points · Posted at 05:27:16 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kung fu was actually one of the styles I was not trained in or very familiar with. I trained for my black belt in Kenpo, but was also trained over the years in Wushu, Taekwando, Kinamotay, Jiu Jitsu, BJJ, TDS, Sanshou, Muay Thai, and some weapon fighting ("specialized" in escrima stick fighting). I am NOT an "expert" in most of these, and even those that I am much more experienced in, I hesitate to call myself an "expert", my Sifu just believed in keeping our knowledge well-rounded.

Fumblerful- · 2 points · Posted at 05:31:36 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've only seen Sifu used in a Kung Fu context.

grobnicanka · 2 points · Posted at 05:41:42 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Interesting, I've had Sifus in Wushu, Kenpo, and Sanshou. I've also had Sensais and a Shihan in other styles.

Fumblerful- · 2 points · Posted at 06:01:52 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wushu is chinese as is Sanshou. Kenpo is odd because that is Japanese.

grobnicanka · 1 points · Posted at 13:14:41 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Correct, but he did receive his black belt in multiple styles and had this sort of tri-track "choice" that he led his students through. Basically, the first year-ish he would teach you the basics of Wushu, Taekwando, and Kenpo, and then would let you choose which "path" you wanted to pursue/focus on. It was definitely a unique way of teaching that I haven't come across elsewhere, even after all this time.

grobnicanka · 1 points · Posted at 13:17:42 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also going back to add about why there are sifus in Kenpo, Chinese Kung Fu is also known as Chinese Kenpo, hence Sifu. The word Kenpo is not reserved just for the Japanese style.

walnut_rune · 28 points · Posted at 23:30:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This speaks to me on a deep level. For me, while I did occasionally bow to someone, it was more often when entering or exiting a room. That wins you some weird looks!

GALACTICA-Actual- · 16 points · Posted at 02:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Try living in a country where you bow to everyone all of the time. Live there long enough, and it’s completely subconscious.

Then come back to the US to visit.

Your friends will purposely take you places to watch you bow to thank the guy taking your order at McDonald’s. Or the shoe store. Or the bar. And laugh every. Single. Time.

ctw2800 · 11 points · Posted at 00:20:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dwight is that you?

fuckgerrymandering · 7 points · Posted at 00:11:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What’s a good martial arts class for beginners? I want to start taking karate or aikido or something but I’m not sure what’s a good option.

vekvekvekvek · 13 points · Posted at 00:32:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For beginners, it doesn't really matter as long as it's not a McDojo. (A McDojo is one of those places where you can get the black belt on the first lesson in an art founded by the instructor himself...) Also, the art should allow free-form sparring. Training kata makes you good only at training kata.

Megablast13 · 11 points · Posted at 00:19:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

fuckgerrymandering · 4 points · Posted at 00:20:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

that shit is intense i don’t know if i’m ready for that lol

Armagetiton · 9 points · Posted at 00:40:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It attracts a lot of MMA wannabe d-bags too. Try Judo. Very simple and fun to learn grappling martial art.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:57:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I still love it but after 15+ years off and on and crazy bad arthritis in my hands I'm not entirely sure it's completely worth it.

Edited because I'm not 29 anymore...

max_adam · 6 points · Posted at 01:30:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You'll never be ready in any sport for intense cardio. It'll take a few months for you to not lose your breath easily. I was like that and I got scared the first time I got exhausted that the amount of air I was taking wasn't enough, it taught me to learn my limits and increase them.

If you or they aren't jerks people will go easy on you while you learn.

fuckgerrymandering · 1 points · Posted at 18:44:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

yea i’m also worried because i have a muscle disease that makes doing anything physical a lot harder as my muscles will take longer to relax after i use them.

etanolx04 · 5 points · Posted at 02:46:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't worry man, no one ever feels like they're ready. Head over to r/bjj if you've got any questions on jiu jitsu, we're a friendly bunch :)

fuckgerrymandering · 1 points · Posted at 18:42:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

thanks!

flyingfox22 · 2 points · Posted at 01:38:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started aikido a few months ago and like it! And I had no background before at all

MightBeYourProfessor · 4 points · Posted at 01:39:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aikido was my first martial art. It is a fairly unique martial art so I would say if the philosophy appeals to you, definitely go for it. It will also teach you a lot of transferable skills if you want to do another martial art down the road.

PM_ME_FUN_STORIES · 3 points · Posted at 06:25:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just a warning, as a general rule, I'd avoid anything labeling itself as straight up "karate" with no other details. They're typically kind of sketchy.

I started with a shito-ryu class, which was really fun. It's basically what everyone imagines when the words "karate" are uttered, but it is a legitimate style, and helps you learn some self defense techniques.

I should look into some other martial arts once I have some spare cash... I think it would be fun to get back into that kind of thing.

Zambone543 · 2 points · Posted at 15:55:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For aikido see if there is a local aikikai, which is part of the Ueshiba organization. Try lots of different dojos too! The aikikai will be very welcoming, and most dojos in general seem to offer a free class.

Edit: aikido is similar to ju jitsu and comes from what the samurai used in warfare, Aiki-jujitsu. While it has been taught to police and military in America, it also finds a lot of importance in health and longevity (you can avoid arthritis and similar problems associated with other arts).

Tausney · 10 points · Posted at 00:25:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"How's that TPS report coming Johnson?"
"OSS!"

Liverberg · 10 points · Posted at 00:30:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a generally awkward person, about a week into my new job i held the door open for a senior member of staff, curtseyed and said 'milady.' Cringed immediately after, no idea why i said/did it.

justanotherontrovert · 9 points · Posted at 00:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally did that once, while walking into subway

Splitface2811 · 6 points · Posted at 03:07:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been doing Taekwondo since I was a kid. I was taught that you now when you enter and exit the dojang and I often have to force myself not to when I'm walking through doors.

Gearheart8 · 1 points · Posted at 19:41:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amount of places I've bowed in and out of is atrocious.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 00:30:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I may have done this before. Oss.

RochelleH · 4 points · Posted at 23:54:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like someone is scouring these threads for material. This belongs in a movie. With the right actor, I'd laugh my ass off at this.

lnmtb · 3 points · Posted at 00:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dwight, is that you?

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok, yours cracked me up

RRSC14 · 3 points · Posted at 00:32:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I take jiu jitsu and we bow as we're getting on/off the mat. I was walking through New York Sports Club and bowed as I walked onto the turf area used for CrossFit and such.

dogboyblaze · 3 points · Posted at 00:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I used to do taekwondo and when I received my high school diploma I gave everyone the handshake we did in class which is where you hold your left hand under your right elbow

Gearheart8 · 1 points · Posted at 19:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey gotta make sure you're not hiding any weapons in the sleeves of that loose fitting graduation gown.

user_41 · 3 points · Posted at 01:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Classic Dwigt

JupiterHurricane · 3 points · Posted at 01:33:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had the same issue. Believe me, it's worse if they're Asian.

Guie_LeDouche · 2 points · Posted at 00:34:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just play it off by referring to him as sensei from now on.

Lipsovertits · 2 points · Posted at 00:37:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was expecting a story about how you accidentally said your vows or made a wedding cake decoration... its so weird to not be a native english speaker and just having to accept words as you go for the sake of the story, not being able to tell whether they are typos or words I have never heard of. TIL of Marital Arts classes lol

Gearheart8 · 1 points · Posted at 19:47:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's actually misspelled in the original post, "Martial Arts" is how it's supposed to be spelled. Otherwise you were spot on with a definition of marital being marriage related.

ArcticVulpe · 2 points · Posted at 00:58:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost did something like this in reverse. At work meetings our mangers will say "Good morning" and we respond "Good Morning X" then clap twice, stomp twice then "what's up?"

Went to class after work and my instructor greeted the class with a "Good Morning" I responded with "Good Morning X" then stopped my hands an inch or two away from each other as I caught myself.

PghHunter2011 · 2 points · Posted at 00:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh out loud...and then there is the perfectly placed "marital" typo. You just made my evening.

potatoface489 · 2 points · Posted at 01:50:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Currently living in Korea and I feel like it's gonna take a minute to break the bowing habit when I eventually go back home.

Se7enLC · 2 points · Posted at 02:04:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like the appropriate response is to be offended that he didn't return your gesture.

pranabus · 2 points · Posted at 04:49:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

‘Marital arts classes at night’ sounds like a fancy name for visiting a hooker.

SarcasticAsBagels · 2 points · Posted at 05:01:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dwight?

Vetty81 · 2 points · Posted at 05:33:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup. Sounds about right.

PM_ME_FUN_STORIES · 2 points · Posted at 06:31:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm Asian, and I spent a lot of elementary/middle/early high school trying not to bow whenever I walked through a doorway. I eventually broke the habit (my class fell apart, unfortunately...), but for a while I would catch myself starting to lean forward, and play it off by tying my shoe or something, haha.

Hunnilisa · 2 points · Posted at 06:45:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read it as blow and was like how do you accidentally blow someone?

WheregoWhy · 2 points · Posted at 22:57:09 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing, over the years it's devolved into a very heavy nod.

lolkdrgmailcom · 2 points · Posted at 21:38:58 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

I don't care if it's 16 days late you deserve a gold award! 🥇

heybrother45 · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

How else do you tell him that while he was looking at spreadsheets you were studying the blade?

Screaming_Potatoes · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do taekwondo and whenever I go somewhere that’s an event or formal feeling, I have to resist the urge to bow

bekcy · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god. I'm terrified of this happening to me when I only watch K-dramas.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of spongebob and sandy practicing karate at work

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hey, while you're down there.."

MonsterHunterBoi · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Would’ve been more awkward if he was Asian for real

throwawayinaway · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It would be worse if he was Asian, no?

exbaddeathgod · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old martial arts school you'd bow when entering a training area or when you entered/left the school and it was a right of passage to accidentally bow when going through a door outside of the place

souldust · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

thats how you know the classes were working yo. you're getting your monies worth there

quax747 · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did karate for about 10 years I reckon and greeting the dojo or in this case the gymnasium still is so embossed in my brain, that when I started playing handball in college I absently started to greet the dojo whenever I entered the gym...

IdiotSupreme · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Marital arts? Easy there, King Verence.

Soviet_Jedi · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same when I switched from karate to breakdancing. The first time I showed up, I bowed to my breakdancing instructor when he introduced himself.

Chocolatefix · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was thinking "marital art classes" were a thing like paint and sip that you attend with your spouse till I got to the part that you bowed to your to your boss.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my gym we bow whenever we enter and leave the training area, and so now I have this instinct to bow whenever I cross a threshold.

OxyBeef · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I thought I saw something on the floor and my neck hurts"

Miremell · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This. I am not Asian at all, not living at an Asian country and because of Japanese martial art I bow when I am entering/exiting my uni classrooms, I bow when I want to start thank you and I respond automatically with a loud "hai, sensei" instead of a yes. Really embarrassing. I try really hard not to do these things.

shadowconjuress · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something very similar in elementary school. My former sensei had us bow whenever we entered or left the dojo. I started in the summer so I was in a routine of doing it. Went back to school and one of the first days I ended up bowing when leaving the classroom. I realized mid-bow and died inside. Not sure if anyone noticed though.

hypercombofinish · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least if you tried to touch gloves your boss would've just thought you were pumped up to do business. The office casual fist bump

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one wins . Idk why but it really got me .

Bard_isnt_here · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My favorite moment like this was in 6th grade. We would always line up out front of the classrooms while the teacher did a headcount before entering class. As my teacher is holding open the door I freeze, stand at attention, bow, and say "Osu!" and proceed to calmly sit at my desk before realizing what I did.

I also hava a history of randomly switching peoples' names. In grade school it mostly consisted of me calling my teachers "mom" or "sensei" but recently I was spending a lot of time with friend "Daniel" who during a group activity I was checking for as "Thomas." The most awkward part was when he walked up to me, shook my hand and said "Name's Daniel by the way" ... I wanted to walk into a corner.

ZukTheCuk · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is your name Dwight?

annamaetion · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom is Chinese and she still bows to people to say goodbye (not as much as a hello I’ve noticed but I suppose she mostly pairs her bows with her saying “Thank You” so there’s that) when I was a kid I would mirror this behavior unconsciously, even when my mom wasn’t nearby. Since I don’t look as visibly Chinese as my mom it got me A LOT of weird looks.

P0sitive_Outlook · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm small and have to block high, so i used to run to work with my guard up (one mile) for conditioning. I ran past someone from behind, still with my guard up, and he nearly swung at me - dude thought i was gonna attack him.

After that i started running while holding a small but heavy black case at chest-height. I got chased by a pair of punks who i'd ran past, and decided i'd rather fight them before i got tired. One was tall and skinny, the other was short and stocky, and i'd intended to club Stocky in the face and deal with Skinny if he didn't run off. As soon as i stopped and turned, they stopped and one went "Ooooh! Dude it's not!" to the other. A moment later they were both grinning and one said "Hey we thought you'd stolen a cash box! We were gonna grab it off you and get a reward!" :D

commandrix · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just tell your boss you do martial arts, he'll understand. Bonus points if you do it loudly enough for a co-worker who creeps you out to hear you. Source: I've done that and the creep always seemed a little afraid of me after that.

mippi_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i watched a full season of terrace house on a weekend. Monday got to work and bowed while saying hi

everyone spent the day bowing whenever they needed to talk to me

I_dont_reddit_well · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dwight?

simiansloth · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this at school more times than I care to admit whenever we go in the wrestling room for gym.

IsntSnoopDogg · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad lived in Tokyo for years while I was in the US. Every time I came back from visiting him, I would randomly bow at people for a week or two. Like literally bowing at the 7/11 guy like an idiot.

MortalForce · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sixteen and did the same thing for the same reason at my library as an entering the training area thing. I guess it still sort of worked.

twistedevil · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha! I’ve done this too. When I was taking regular classes we’d have to do a bow when we entered or left the training room and also to greet other classmates. I found myself doing the bow before walking into different rooms in my own house.

MrSquirtle23 · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm white and follow daoism (taoism), I go to the Temple every other Sunday for Tao Te Ching teachings and to help with the food kitchen they do. I too have bowed to coworkers after helping them with something. I've done it enough now that when I don't I get asked "where's the bow?"

DrPlato · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god man I feel that right in my heart. I just got back a few days ago from living in Korea for 5 months and ever since then I have been bowing to cashiers, friends, and workers and man the looks I get are so funny. I need to break this habit though...

PitifulUsername · 1 points · Posted at 04:14:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took Japanese classes for three years. I constantly head-bow/ nod whenever I see someone I know or a car lets me cross the street. It’s just such an easy thing to get hardwired into your brain.

cobblewolf · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did martial arts for about 10 years, and the number of times I've done this is concerning...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother took Japanese through all his high school years and they would bow at their sensei so he got into this habit of bowing all the time

jewel1997 · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done taekwondo since I was in middle school. A friend a trained with was called to the principal's office for some reason. I don't think it was anything serious, but he bowed out of habit when he entered her office and ended up getting in extra trouble because of it.

ShadowWitcher · 291 points · Posted at 22:27:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

We used to stay in a dormitory with double-deck bunks. We once saw our classmate rise up in the middle of the night, stand on his bed (upper bunk) and take the light bulb from the ceiling. Then he just put it right beside his pillow and immediately fell asleep.

MozartTheCat · 51 points · Posted at 01:54:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to sleepwalk as a kid. I remember one night waking up cold, and feeling around for my blanket, but I couldn't find it so I just got under the sheets and went back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning i went to the bathroom and found my blanket and a couple pairs of my clean underwear on the floor

Mr2_Wei · 7 points · Posted at 06:29:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uhm

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:43:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i don’t understand

Arkazex · 29 points · Posted at 04:47:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a roommate who would say some great random shit in the middle of the night. Most of the time it was jibberish, but every now and then it would sort of make sense. Like "The printer has a final tomorrow" or "What time is my homework".

Depressaccount · 5 points · Posted at 01:36:19 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this, too, and laugh. But I have also freaked out a couple people a couple times by waking up screaming. One time, my sister said something in panic like, “what’s wrong?” And I just looked at her and said, “oh no, never mind.”

Otachi365 · 11 points · Posted at 02:27:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

0kay. This is epic

peachdoxie · 8 points · Posted at 07:57:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can I ask why you're using a 0 instead of an O?

Otachi365 · 6 points · Posted at 08:19:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That would be because of my fat ass fingers on my phone.

:P

phuckman69 · 5 points · Posted at 08:52:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

O0o0o0o0

Ishmael64 · 3 points · Posted at 16:03:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He just wanted to sleep next to the light of his world

BananaVanillaLatte · 20332 points · Posted at 21:36:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried putting the milk bottle back in the microwave then got mad when it didn't fit. I only stopped trying cause my brother was there watching and he start laughing.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5071 points · Posted at 21:50:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg oh no haha. I was imagining like a tiny bottle of milk and then was like how did it not fit? I’ve been there, I’m always putting cutlery in the fridge and things from the fridge in the cutlery drawer.

MatCauthonsHat · 5487 points · Posted at 00:06:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Found the remote in the fridge once. Still not sure how I did that

Edit:. Thanks for the gold kind stranger

Iamthewalrus482 · 1065 points · Posted at 00:19:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

My fiancé loves those jimmy dean breakfast bowls, and he usually just puts the salt in the microwave so he can just make them and leave for work. More then once have I been looking for the salt only to find it hours or days later in the microwave.

I also have a toddler, so now my life is finding weird stuff on places they don’t belong. My shoes are a treasure trove

Edit: I was very confused as why every kept asking why he puts it in the microwave, and it was my bad. For clarity he keeps the salt on top of the microwave

coredumperror · 85 points · Posted at 00:44:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't understand what salt has to do with jimmy dean sandwiches....?

Iamthewalrus482 · 53 points · Posted at 00:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There not the sandwiches, it’s the bowls with egg and bacon and potatoes. So he uses the salt for flavor I guess. I don’t really like them either way

greffedufois · 84 points · Posted at 00:51:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He ADDS salt to those? They have like a days worth of sodium in them by themselves.

Iamthewalrus482 · 30 points · Posted at 00:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s actually ‘mixed up pepper’ I’m sure it probably has salt in it too. Idk the brand off the top of my head but it has a bunch of stuff in it

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:03:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We are sugguesting you check the sodium content of those frozen foods though.

Adding table salt to something that already has a lot of sodium is not good for your blood pressure or general health.

We assume you care about your fiance so we are telling you that he probably shouldn't be adding salt to frozen prepared food like that, so that he lives longer and is less likely to have health issues.

FootSizeDoesntMatter · 61 points · Posted at 01:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know literally one thing that this guy eats, I don’t think it’s necessary to tell an internet stranger to worry about their fiancé’s health based off the fact that he likes Jimmy Dean breakfast bowls.

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 01:19:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just checked WebMD, he died last week

Rickest_Morty · 5 points · Posted at 01:22:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

#rekt

ChadMcRad · 2 points · Posted at 07:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If they're European then it's their job to correct people on their diet or else they'll explode.

ajd660 · 5 points · Posted at 02:25:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly it kinda is. Here is the nutritional facts for the bowl:

Calories 410 Calories From Fat 220 Total Fat 24g38% Saturated Fat 10g 48% Trans Fat 0g Cholesterol 340mg 113% Sodium 1230mg 51% Total Carbohydrate 19g 6% Dietary Fiber 2g 9% Sugar 0g Protein 28g

Nothing good is going to come from having those bowl regularly.

ElllGeeEmm · 3 points · Posted at 01:28:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think starting your day with prepackaged, precooked foods is indicative of someone who's likely to make healthy choices for the rest of that day.

mcguire · 6 points · Posted at 02:21:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

True. I had a Jimmy Dean bowl once and spent the rest of the day wanting to lick things: high voltage power supplies, a squirrel, random strangers...

9989989 · 2 points · Posted at 22:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a jimmy dean bowl once and now my dick glows in the dark

sonyaellenmann · 9 points · Posted at 02:33:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Salt is actually fine, the official recommendations are bunk.

https://medium.com/@drjasonfung/the-salt-scam-1973d73dccd

Further discussion in the comments here: https://www.reddit.com/r/slatestarcodex/comments/a6zn4z/the_salt_scam/

cc /u/Iamthewalrus482

JustLions · 6 points · Posted at 03:26:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice try, Big Salt.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:50:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Salt is fine, just like water is fine.

Too much of either is still bad news bears.

I'm not saying don't eat salt, or don't eat those breakfast bowls. I'm advocating self education on the sodium content of frozen prepared food items.

Hardly radical, and being informed consumers is what we all should advocate for.

sonyaellenmann · 1 points · Posted at 07:24:50 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

In both cases the threshold for "so much that it's unhealthy" is quite high.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:29 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

So what your saying is, my comparison was accurate.

xenacoryza · 1 points · Posted at 19:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I add table salt to Chinese food and most microwave dinners. Last time I got blood work my sodium was in a low range. Fight me

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 19:38:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like you're already fighting yourself. GLWT

merkin-fitter · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm guessing it's autocorrect from sausage somehow.

maxPowers- · 46 points · Posted at 00:52:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure I understand why the salt being in the microwave is any more convenient than the countertop

AdmiralHairdo · 21 points · Posted at 00:56:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, this makes no sense at all

Iamthewalrus482 · 3 points · Posted at 05:10:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My microwave is in the other side of the kitchen. It’s not like super out of the way but it ended up there once and it’s kinda stayed in that area

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 02:02:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Jedi_Reject · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
andshewaslike81 · 8 points · Posted at 06:15:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My daughter stuck my moms keys in her boots one time. My mom was searching all over and kept saying “where are my keys!!” My daughter kept bringing her the boot. It was pretty funny once we figured it out.

Chi_Baby · 6 points · Posted at 04:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m confused why he puts the salt in the microwave? Why doesn’t he just put the salt on when he cooks the bowl in the morning?

Iamthewalrus482 · 5 points · Posted at 05:08:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He puts the salt on top of the microwave, so it’s there when he makes the breakfast thing. He pretty much microwaves it, sprinkle the salt. Then goes. But because he salts it as soon as he takes it out (he’s perpetually late) the microwaves usually still open, so he’ll put the salt inside the microwave, and I’ll end up finding it hours to days later when I go to use it. Actually at this point if I can’t find it, I usually check the microwave.

breadfag · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So he can just make them and leave for work.

Hannahlilly9715 · 2 points · Posted at 06:37:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Toddlers shoe was on the entertainment center one night, my shoes appear around the house. And this damn chef boyardee can of spaghetti she carries around. I’ve found it in the cat post, the shoe rack, under the Christmas tree, on the couch, under the dining table, and in her bedroom. SHE WONT EVEN EAT WHATS IN THE CAN. WHY PLAY WITH IT?!?!

Iamthewalrus482 · 3 points · Posted at 13:49:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom is the weirdest gift giver and for my birthday a few months ago sent me a package with a bunch of stuff it in. Including one of those baby cans of mushrooms. I don’t even like mushrooms. Why she thought it was a good gift I’ll never know. But my daughter latched on to that damn can. Completely ignored the toys that were sent for her, and that stupid cam was her favorite thing for days after.

Toddlers are fucking weird, man

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 13:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha the toddler thing I can relate to! Came to visit my home town in August, spent a lot of time with my sister and my niece. Found a Sky remote in my bag and thought I’d somehow packed my own. Turns out it was my sisters and my niece had put it in there

wackotaco · 5 points · Posted at 03:27:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my God, yes on the toddler! My 2 year old LOVES to grab random stuff and leave it in shoes, boots, the bird cage, etc. Going crazy looking for keys or cash, only to find it in my boots. Found a $20 the other day. Was kinda broke at the time so that was a nice surprise.

Th3K00n · -1 points · Posted at 03:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk why, but I read that as “jimmy dean breakfast bowels”

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 00:31:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cell phone in the fridge. Multiple times.

thjuicebox · 18 points · Posted at 00:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found mine in the oven once. AFTER I'd started preheating it

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 00:40:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This charges the phone.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 00:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a very bad habit of setting something down without paying attention to where it is that I’m leaving it, which usually results in me, panicked, running around the house trying to find my wallet/phone/keys three minutes before work. I always check the fridge to make sure I didn’t absentmindedly leave something in here. I have not done it. Yet.

Kit- · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:25 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get a tile lol

bbrk24 · 9 points · Posted at 01:05:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found a TI graphing calculator in the freezer once or twice.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:05:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair that’s probably good for the batteries

bbrk24 · 2 points · Posted at 01:24:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really? I have battery life issues now and replacing the battery didn’t help much. The calculator’s dead.

...To be fair it might be unrelated.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you take dead batteries, like ones that have just died, and put them in the freezer, they will usually run for a bit longer.

The calculator is probably what got fucked

13pts35sec · 14 points · Posted at 00:47:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time we did a bunch of acid and my buddy got really cold and was looking for his blanket, literally started freaking out because none of us had any clue where the fuck it went and our lsd addled brains weren’t sure if it existed at one point. Long story short mother fucker put it in the produce drawer in the fridge lmao

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 00:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

MatCauthonsHat · 8 points · Posted at 01:01:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How'd the cat take that?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 13:08:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found my (then) kitten in the cupboard once. I heard her meowing and was walking about going “where is she?” Opened the cupboard door and she jumps out.

zombiemicrowaves7 · 12 points · Posted at 01:04:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got into my car to go to the movies, and about 10 minutes into the drive I look at the passenger seat and see the tv remote.

I guess I subconsciously thought I would need it.

thegreat22 · 7 points · Posted at 01:59:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid our cat bad kittens. I was carrying one around with me and went to get a drink out of the fridge. About 30 minutes later my mom was like where is the kitten, it took us a few minutes until we found it eating a stick of butter in the fridge.

Ripperofbongs · 11 points · Posted at 01:07:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time. It's always because I'm stoned, thirsty, and watching TV. I take the remote with me for "god knows why" and open the fridge. Find the tasty beverage and think - I dont have room for my beverage in my hands. I place the remote in the fridge so I can grab the beverage and then I sit back down. Then I look for the remote for 30 mins but I do not move out of my chair because I am lazy. Eventually I get thirsty again and go get another beverage. That's when I find the remote.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 00:35:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fastest gold ever

Osiasya · 4 points · Posted at 00:57:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I relate, lost my phone once and finally found it in the fridge. Now I always check the fridge if I can’t find something haha

MailOrderBridesmaid · 3 points · Posted at 01:42:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm babysitting my little sister one night and after several hours of sitting in one spot while she watched me play Skyrim, I decided it was time for bed... Where's the remote? We tore the living room apart, dude. Couldn't find it. Left a note for Mom and went to bed. The next morning, my brother went to pour a box of cereal and find a pretty random prize in the box. Our remote. My sister and I still have NO clue how the hell it got there.

PleiadianJedi · 3 points · Posted at 00:37:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There is a witty pun here but I'm not sure what it is.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:44:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day my fridge began to ring. Why I’d put my phone in the butter keeper I still do not know.

pb0b · 3 points · Posted at 01:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Growing up we lost a TV remote. We looked everywhere. Gone. After about a month my mom went and bought a universal remote. A couple years go by, that TV was replaced. I go into the freezer and grab an ice pack with a sleeve around it and go to ice my shins after track. Usually I grab the top one, but my brother had grabbed it as well. I go sit on the couch, but I couldn’t get it to mold to my leg (jelly type of ice pack.) Open up the sleeve and viola, the remote to a long gone TV.

Next came the blame game. We were pretty sure it was my little brother since I tend to read after practice and he watches TV. To top it off, there was no ice pack in the sleeve. No extra one in he freezer. So I iced with the remote anyway.

PeacegiverTheBlessed · 3 points · Posted at 02:06:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rand and perrin were always better at these things

LordSalinas · 2 points · Posted at 00:41:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You didn't, it was late aunt Patricr

ultimattt · 2 points · Posted at 00:45:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got kids? Because that’s how.

MatCauthonsHat · 1 points · Posted at 01:03:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope

Toomanyalterstocount · 2 points · Posted at 01:56:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was probably high.

Source: Fuck where'd I put the remote?

hamietao · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brought the remote with me to vacation once. What a wild time.

Not-S-Its-Hope · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad forgot it in the freezer once

tomEc · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bloody Aes Sedai...

MatCauthonsHat · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone definitely saidar'd it in there

AFSidePiece · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done that before.

fauxromanou · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

gestures grandly towards the thread

ZaphodTrippinBalls · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found my phone in there once.... No clue.

hardhikm · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg this happened to me a lot of times when I was a kid! I even left the remote in the kitchen sink few times! XD

DerpHard · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found my keys in the fridge once. We're in the same boat.

Bridge_Keeper_ · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened in our family and everyone was going ballistic cause we had been looking for at least 20mins for this remote, and someone had put it in the egg shelf in the fridge

trekie4747 · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least it wasnt in the microwave

takemeintotown · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I've totally done this. Woth the remote and my phone.

MacDerfus · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Only once?

inspectoralex · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that with my phone once. Dad was calling me for something important and I had to explain to him that I didn't hear the phone ring because it was in the fridge.

madsci · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have ADD - and a 5000 square foot shop/warehouse. There is no telling where things will wind up when I get busy, and I do have to check the fridge sometimes.

MrVilliam · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar once. Couldn't find my phone. Wound up being in the fridge.

PM_ME_A10s · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I too have done that. Parents starting asking where the remote was because I had it last and could only say "I dont know"

SnapKreckelPop · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Swear on my life about 2 weeks ago i got a little doobied out and made myself a nice bowl of cereal. i go in the fridge the next morning to find my box of cereal sitting nicely in the door with the milk. not very funny but it’s similar lol

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when I was a kid, I put a little toy hot wheels car in the fridge. i still dont know why

IndianaKev · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve put the remote in the freezer and left the ice cream on the coffee table, also put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge. I feel the pain.

OrsoMalleus · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found my bong in the refrigerator once. I knew exactly how it got there.

moneytrees007 · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found my spare key in the fridge once

crookedparadigm · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom used to regularly put her purse in the fridge.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife won't stop reminding me about the night she found the nearly full gallon of milk in the cabinet with the glasses, and an empty glass in the fridge. I guess I was tired the night before!

catinerary · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to replace a lightbulb in the kitchen, I only had one new lightbulb. I put the new one down to take out the old one and then just could not find the new one. I looked EVERYWHERE. Weeks later opened the freezer and oh why’s there a lightbulb in here

throwawaygayguy32 · 1 points · Posted at 02:57:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once lost my nintendo DS for three days and had gone through the grieving process while accepting someone stole it when i was in public. Found it in the vegetable drawer in the fridge???!!!!

haybay44 · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Keys in the freezer once.

Dragon_smoothie · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandma put her glasses in the fridge once. Spent half the day looking for them afterward. Finally found them when she went to make dinner haha

Mr2_Wei · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left my phone in the freezer once for 3 hours, came back to temperature warning

ATN-Antronach · 1 points · Posted at 03:03:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happens. I've found a purse in the freezer before. Confused the hell out of me until i showed my mom and she went "So that's where it went!"

PhoenixEnigma · 1 points · Posted at 03:04:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found my wedding ring in our freezer, after a couple panicked days of wondering where it was and not being able to find it. I still haven't the slightest clue how it happened.

adudeguyman · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cannabis.

BigBlue923 · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I have been known to put the ice cream back in the fridge, not the freezer a couple of times. Not sure why I do that.

SergeMan1 · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, my wife found that once. Not good. LMAO

fayfayfayfayyy · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have found my wallet and cellphone in the fridge before...

kai-ol · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's always the first weird place I look after I feel I've eliminated all the normal hiding spots. Just in case

pknk6116 · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found my keys in a bag of lettuce once. I'd been looking for them for 3 days. I also don't eat lettuce.

theniwokesoftly · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found my keys in my laundry basket. No idea.

MoreOfPl0x · 1 points · Posted at 05:31:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A while ago I lost my glasses. My girlfriend finally found them in my fridge. I have no recollection of putting them there.

doobiesaurus · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe youre a sleepwalker? I sleep walk and like to put pictures and pillows and my bathroom. Also woke up sleeping on top of my washer and dryer one time. I have too many weird stories

rachelseaturtle · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend found her cell phone in the microwave once... 10 years later that’s still my first suggestion when she has misplaced her phone.

8bitowners · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally left my phone in the freezer overnight once. Another time I left it in a pizza box in my fridge. I'm not very good at keeping track of it.

Alice_In_Zombieland · 1 points · Posted at 05:53:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my daughter was a newborn I repeatedly put my coffee in the fridge and took the creamer to my spot on the couch.

shelblehh · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found the remote in my fridge around 6 months ago. Pretty ashamed to say I legitimately just took it out of the fridge to start using again last week.

(The tv didn’t come with a remote so I had to buy a universal remote for it but I always ended up walking up to the tv to turn it on)

Obfusc8er · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remotes are my downfall. I've tried to answer a phone call on mine a couple of times... because it has buttons, I guess?

gromimorg · 1 points · Posted at 08:01:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol. In high school I was fined for losing my copy of Lord of the Flies. Turned up in my freezer

M1RSH3 · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been there...Questioned if I was getting dementia after that one.

Cellhawk · 1 points · Posted at 11:35:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP batteries.

Mind_on_Idle · 1 points · Posted at 13:20:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my car keys in the fridge. That was a funny one.

CuntyLouWho · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just needed to say I love your username.

MatCauthonsHat · 2 points · Posted at 02:32:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you

deanosaurrr · 0 points · Posted at 01:42:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love the username :)

MatCauthonsHat · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you

Xxshianne · 7 points · Posted at 00:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always put pepper in the fridge then get mad because I can’t find it.

reginaldvontooshface · 7 points · Posted at 00:47:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:26:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You mean why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? huhleugh

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:24:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine once lost his wallet and couldn’t find it ANYWHERE. We turned his apartment upside down trying to find it and no dice. Months later he finds it in the fridge.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 13:11:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He didn’t open the fridge for months? Or he just didn’t see it for months?

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 14:29:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just didn’t see it for months. It was behind something he didn’t touch, and when he went to clean the fridge of things he wasn’t going to eat, he found the wallet.

ReginaldDwight · 4 points · Posted at 01:37:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I microwaved so many forks and spoons when I was pregnant that my husband went out of his way to microwave anything I wanted to eat and kept a fire extinguisher by the microwave in case I used it on my own. I'm not so sure I could have properly operated the extinguisher though. Pregnancy brain is very much a real thing.

DRUNK_CYCLIST · 3 points · Posted at 00:37:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom lost her phone for several hours because she set it down when she was grabbing something out of the fridge.

louizecheefs · 3 points · Posted at 01:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband put our Thanksgiving dinner leftovers in the tubbawear cabinet, we found them about 4 days later. rip to that carrot casserole.

meowmeow138 · 2 points · Posted at 00:48:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep trying to put the cheese back in the cupboard

Jewishcracker69 · 2 points · Posted at 00:51:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always try to put the milk in the cabinets.

88ZombieGrunts · 2 points · Posted at 01:52:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?

Rock_and_Grohl · 2 points · Posted at 02:12:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend once found her electricity bill in the freezer. We’re still unsure of who it was

KezaGatame · 2 points · Posted at 02:41:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you reply on auto pilot?

Finally a redditor really interested in her Askreddit question

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 13:13:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I’m a nosey ho. Also I’m a people please, I need people to feel like they’re noticed and listened to.

something693 · 2 points · Posted at 03:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OP I'm impressed with your dedication to relate to every one of these

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 13:14:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly, I’m stuck between “can relate here’s a silly story that happened” ( I have many) and “am I being a self absorbed ho and taking over this comment.”

SaturnzGecko · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often accidentally throw my cutlery in the trash can and paper plates in the dish washer

fakeymcredditsmith · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve found my phone in the fridge next to the beer more than once

TherapeuticKeto · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think you mean why is there cutlery in the pancake drawer

Stonedsailer · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?" "I think you mean why is there silverware in the pancake drawer. Awhazzuppp."

OzzyAtom · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You mean, 'why is there a fork in the pancake drawer?'

lungbuttersucker · 458 points · Posted at 22:07:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple days ago I put the milk in the cabinet and the kettle in the fridge. I wish I could say this was the first and last time but I'd be lying.

[deleted] · 35 points · Posted at 00:09:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Jess593 · 5 points · Posted at 00:43:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once put windex in the fridge

the-kyle-high-club · 6 points · Posted at 00:26:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My older brother put milk in a kettle to make a hot chocolate. He was 10. The kettle was thrown out after.

brightslack · 5 points · Posted at 00:07:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why would you put your kettle in a cabinet though? I always have mine out ready, along with the teabags and sugar, always prepared to make a brew.

lungbuttersucker · 9 points · Posted at 00:10:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I never have. It sits on the counter at all times. The tea is in the cabinet because I don't have enough counter space. If I did, it would also always be out.

uh_not_laura · 3 points · Posted at 01:41:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school, I found the milk in the sink, cereal in the bowl/plate cabinet, and a dirty bowl in the fridge.

Turns out my brother, who had to get up early to go to work that day, was so tired he mixed up the order of his usual morning process. It was hilarious.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:30:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is one interesting username /u/lungbuttersucker

lungbuttersucker · 5 points · Posted at 03:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get that a lot. I'm a respiratory therapist. :D

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk in the pantry, cereal in the fridge

Frenchitwist · 27 points · Posted at 23:29:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my god I accidentally put milk in the cup cabinet CONSTANTLY

It’s gotten to the point where my roommate will send me pictures of it with the caption “one of those days, huh?”

classiercourtheels · 5 points · Posted at 23:58:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am glad I am not the only one who does this!

floralcode · 2 points · Posted at 00:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time too! Do we have brain tumors?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instant coffee jar in the fridge, here. I don't do mornings well

ConstantlyOnFire · 1 points · Posted at 13:31:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did it one time and got the picture with the caption, “rough morning, hon?” I laughed pretty hard. Luckily my husband had woken up shortly after I left for work and the milk was still cold.

newbcromunda · 14 points · Posted at 01:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got no sleep and went to class in the morning. Got to my car and realized like a dumbass I forgot to put the milk back in the cupboard. So I rush back inside, open the cupboard, and sure enough there's the milk. Check the fridge, and good I put the cereal away.

Forty minutes later in in class when the tectonic plates that are my brain slid together. "Oh."

-m-v- · 10 points · Posted at 00:20:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my dirty clothes in the toilet instead of the laundry basket :/

zek666 · 8 points · Posted at 00:34:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guess that's one way to wash them

The_Lost_Google_User · 8 points · Posted at 23:49:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I’ve done this. Only witness was my cat, so I guess I was spared the embarrassment.

_Exordium · 9 points · Posted at 00:04:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, you have no idea what kind of judgement that cat has cast upon you.

stepstepstep · 4 points · Posted at 00:27:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week, I nearly poured an entire gallon of milk into the cookie jar instead of my cup. I’m still glad I caught myself. Milk’s expensive.

mathematicalmetric · 4 points · Posted at 00:24:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right after I had my baby and I was in "mombie" mode, I did put a carton of ice cream back in the microwave. My husband found a puddle of ice cream the next day. Oops.

BoomerKeith · 5 points · Posted at 00:45:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have put my keys in the microwave more than once. I have no idea what the relation is that causes me to walk in and eventually put my keys in there, but every time it's happened I've scoured the house to find my keys. The last time it happened my youngest son said "look in the microwave" just as I was launching myself into a frantic search.

tgwozdz · 4 points · Posted at 01:05:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I lost my tv remote. I looked all over for it. Couch cushions, under blankets, different rooms, no luck. I spend a good half hour looking for the thing.

Then I gave up and went to get a snack. It was in the fridge.

arefx · 5 points · Posted at 01:21:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That reminds me of when I'm stoned as fuck and go to drink OJ outta the jug and remember to shake it but I've already taken the cap off.

superawkward91 · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this before with a carton of soy milk 😭 worst part was I was already running late and had to spend 10 minutes cleaning it from the bench, floor and wall.

wheresthewine · 3 points · Posted at 00:07:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have also put food away in the oven many times

platypus15 · 3 points · Posted at 00:07:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to put the cereal box in the fridge.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently put the milk in the cupboard.

gingerbastionmain · 3 points · Posted at 00:32:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother once tried to put the kettle in he microwave to make tea.

Nillabeans · 3 points · Posted at 01:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man! A couple weeks ago, I opened our spice cupboard to find half a gallon of milk in there. I have no idea who put it there or when but it was pretty funny. Thankfully it wasn't gross. It was actually suspiciously okay (not that I tasted it).

aiden_a23 · 2 points · Posted at 00:36:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just put my milk in my cup drawer around 6 hours ago and just discovered it

CinnaMint_7 · 2 points · Posted at 00:46:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heh, I put the orange juice in the cabinet and only found out when I came home.

grphine · 2 points · Posted at 00:48:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And I thought my putting milk in the cupboard and cereal in the fridge was bad...

Mic_Check_One_Two · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similarly, I’ve put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. Close enough, right?

Gunter867 · 2 points · Posted at 01:11:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What milk bottle?

My_Name_Is_Not_Adolf · 2 points · Posted at 01:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know the feeling where I work i need a card to use the till and I lose it about 10 times a day it’s crazy I just put it down and forget about it. I had to call a manager today because i couldn’t find it

HeKnee · 2 points · Posted at 01:17:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why would the milk bottle have been in the microwave to begin with?

jpergo1983 · 2 points · Posted at 01:23:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha yes!! I did that the other day only I tried to put the entire coffee pot instead of my mug into the microwave. It happens

bat_mite51 · 2 points · Posted at 01:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similarly, I once put a gallon of milk in the pantry after pouring some cereal. It took me a good 5 minutes before I realized what I did.

Will_Muggle_For_Food · 2 points · Posted at 01:25:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried putting the milk jug in the cabinet last night. Doh! Stupid brain.

cyberpunch83 · 2 points · Posted at 01:29:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger I would put the cereal in the fridge instead of getting the milk out and wonder what the hell I had done wrong.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:52:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a big ass, hot pink kitten pen in my fridge with the butter. My boyfriend asked me why my cat pen was in there and I told him it was none of his business.

hsdiocee · 2 points · Posted at 01:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve sorta done this, sometimes I put the cereal in the fridge and milk in the pantry

maarsargo · 2 points · Posted at 02:13:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. Actually a little ashamed of how often this happens.

_Spastic_ · 2 points · Posted at 02:41:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to put the nesquik powder in the fridge every damn time. We've never had a bug problem so it's not something we did.

Jamesyboy31 · 2 points · Posted at 02:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have multiple times had to stop myself from putting the milk jug in the microwave as well. I am not tired when I do it though

JuniorEgg · 2 points · Posted at 02:51:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

my fav thing to do when living with my friends was to brush my teeth while walking around the apartment and looking out the window (we were living in campus).

so sometimes i clean my brush at the kitchen sink. let’s just say you can ocassionally find my brush in a dish rack along with the cutleries. my friend thinks it’s funny and always asks “WHAT IS THIS” fully knowing it’s my toothbrush.

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 02:51:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took the lid off the OJ bottle, took the top off the Pringles can, ate some Pringles and tried screwing the cup back onto the OJ bottle. The cup. My neighbour was visiting and saw the whole thing. I can't see her without remembering that happening twenty years ago.

skinny_gator · 2 points · Posted at 03:03:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where do I get a banana vanilla latte because you got my mouth watering

severianSaint · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cripes. How much liquor did you drink the previous day?

adudeguyman · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What were you smokIng?

1FuzzyPickle · 2 points · Posted at 03:13:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve definitely tried to put cereal in the refrigerator.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:46:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I was getting some spices out of the cupboard only To realIze that I had put the whipping cream in there.

Rocket_hamster · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had milk go bad once cause I put it in cupboard where on goes and in fridge. Found out next day.

fabricatedstorybot · 2 points · Posted at 07:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That reminds me of one morning when I found my roommate had put the milk ‘back’ under the kitchen sink

pslessard · 2 points · Posted at 09:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It took me four tries to realize you said microwave not fridge

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 12:08:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just took this fucking thing out of here wrf!

TheMangoMan2 · 2 points · Posted at 16:51:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is it bad that I read refrigerator instead of microwave

Nightman96 · 2 points · Posted at 00:12:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How were the drugs?

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 01:01:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I too, smoke weed

whyamiwastingmytime1 · 8350 points · Posted at 21:53:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a factory, starting at 6am, so I'd have to get out of bed around 5:15 each morning. There was one morning when I got up, had my breakfast and left as usual, drove round the corner to the garage where I would buy my lunch. It seemed a lot quieter than usual, but being half asleep myself, it only half registered. Then I got back in my car and noticed the time... I was awake 3 hours early. FML. I went home and back to bed for a couple of hours

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2482 points · Posted at 22:14:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha oh no! I hate when that happens. Never been as much as 3 hours though, did you just wake up and think “oh, time for work”?

whyamiwastingmytime1 · 1657 points · Posted at 22:19:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yea, I was fully on auto pilot, I woke up and assumed it was because of my alarm and carried on from then. It only happened once thankfully!

Tay0214 · 51 points · Posted at 01:14:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up for trade school once, started at 7 I think and for some reason I was sure I was running late Got dressed grabbed my stuff, ran out of the apartment into the parking garage started the car aaaand it’s 2:30am

Theremingtonfuzzaway · 17 points · Posted at 08:08:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got confused between 12 am and 12 pm. Turned up to a shift 12 hours late. In my defense I had come of a string of night shifts and agreed to it during my rest.

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 10:15:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Theremingtonfuzzaway · 5 points · Posted at 11:36:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahaha this with bells on.

I've gone to work on my day off . And then went home. On the way in I knew something was wrong but didn't know what

seeyouspacecowboyx · 38 points · Posted at 01:31:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once came home from school very ill and went straight to bed, still in my uniform. When I woke up, I saw my uniform and thought, ah time for school. Went downstairs and saw the clock said about 7 o'clock. Time to eat. My mum said as I was ill I should rest and eat up and watch some telly. Buffy was on, great I love that, but wait why is that on in the morning, and why is mum giving me fish fingers for breakfast? Oh, hang on, check the 24h digital clock, it's later that same evening. On autopilot and ill, I'd woken up and assumed it was the next morning.

Soul1traveler · 14 points · Posted at 04:54:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brain always focuses too much on the minutes and not the hour, especially when Im tired. I woke up for school once realising my alarm hadnt gone off, see that its right about time for school to start so Ill only be a little late.

I rushed to school and got to class while everyone was just chatting at their desks so I assumed I hadnt even missed the start of the lesson yet, but something just felt off. My friend kept showing me his phone and asking me what time it was an it took a few times to realise that my mind had only registered the minutes and not the hours and I was actually an hour late.

Riftus · 10 points · Posted at 02:23:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has happened to me twice, once was at 4 am (I wake up at 6), which isn't bad, but here's the bad one: (I guess I passed out at 9 or something) I woke up at 10:30 PM, and do my daily routine only to have my father ask me what I'm doing. Looked at the clock and accidentally pulled an all-nighter cuz I took my meds also.

ArmandoPayne · 20 points · Posted at 00:35:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Something similar happened to me. Like I put an alarm on for 6:00AM cause I needed to make a place for a job open day at 10:00AM. Then suddenly my Dad came bursting in telling me I was late for my job open day and whatnot and so I woke up, looked at my phone and realised that it was like 3:40am so I went back to sleep.

zek666 · 22 points · Posted at 00:48:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did that on my first day of high school. 'SHIT, YOU'RE LATE FOR SCHOOL' 'never mind, it five in the morning'

Cheers dad

ArmandoPayne · 24 points · Posted at 01:47:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I should've explained. I dreamt that my Dad said that. Then I woke up from the dream.

zek666 · 7 points · Posted at 01:49:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah. God, I don't know which ones worse lol

Plasma_Crab · 8 points · Posted at 01:52:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So that’s whyyouwerewastingyourtime1

ninjakitty117 · 6 points · Posted at 01:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My bf did this not long ago. He woke up, made breakfast, and started going about his day. Que me wondering what the fuck he was doing up at 3am. He was even mad he "had" to get up because he was still tired.

gamblingman2 · 3 points · Posted at 03:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that over multiple holidays and weekends.

Portlandblazer07 · 4 points · Posted at 03:21:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this too lmao. One time I woke up at like 3 am to go to school, and I was so tired and confused that it took me a good 15 minutes to realize what time it was, and I had already eaten my cereal.

Jurk_McGerkin · 2 points · Posted at 14:13:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here, except I got up and went to the barn to milk the cow. She wasn't waiting for me as usual and I had to find and drag her to the milking stool only to find she was dry. I let her go, went back to bed and realized it was only 230 in the morning. I wasn't due to milk until 5.

payvavraishkuf · 22 points · Posted at 00:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this in high school. Woke up in a panic, raced to the bathroom for a shower, got dressed, etc... 3 am. I had a dream my alarm clock went off.

Spaddles1 · 18 points · Posted at 01:17:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar. It was Saturday and it’s my day off. Got ready, went to work. I’m sometimes the first one there so I unlock the door and start working. 15 minutes later I realize no one has shown up.

Realize it’s Saturday.

CommanderChakotay · 11 points · Posted at 23:42:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar to the time I got up, got ready, drove to work, and found out it was Sunday and could have slept in...

thrustmctrunkpunch · 10 points · Posted at 01:25:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a similar story. I got off work at 4:30 and decides to take a nap. I woke up at around 6:30 pm (12 hours before I had to wake up) and immediately thought "Oh, shit, I'm gonna be late." I hauled ass to get dressed and started to sprint out to my car, only to realize the sun hadn't even gonna down, and that I'd slept for an hour and a half, not 14

go-cartMozart · 9 points · Posted at 03:24:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work 545am-215pm and would go home and sleep for a bit and a few times woke up and frantically called my boss apologizing for being late bc my clock said 6 then realize it was 6pm not 6am. It was always because I was drunk. Over a year sober now 😀. That was a rough part in my life

KCchessc6 · 5 points · Posted at 02:34:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha did this one time. I always was the first one to work cuz I had to plan the daily tasks for everyone else. Sat at my desk for several hours before the security patrol knocked on the door wondering who was in the building on a SATURDAY.

AggravatingCupcake0 · 2 points · Posted at 12:00:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm admittedly not a very punctual person. I can't count how many times I startled awake and started panicking about being late to work only to find out it was a Saturday. Sometimes Sunday, too.

Freshlimeloda · 6 points · Posted at 01:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out ?! I can't make it.

entlan104 · 6 points · Posted at 02:03:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done pretty much the same thing. Sometimes when we get behind schedule at work, we have to pull all-nighters. I had to do two back to back once, and just went home and crashed at about 3 p.m. after it. I had an important meeting the next morning so I made sure to set my alarm for 6 and woke up in a panic because my clock read 7. I get ready as quick as I can, run out to my car (keeping in mind this was in the winter so it didn't get light until later in the morning, and began my drive to work. I finally realized my mistake when I noticed there was significantly less traffic than usual... It was 7 PM, not 7 AM...

mcguire · 6 points · Posted at 02:35:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok, so you have to understand that I've always had difficulties tracking holidays. One boss used to remind me. Was nice.

So, years later and in a different state, working for a NASA contractor, I get up one morning, eat, get dressed, hop in the car and drive the hour to Redstone arsenal. I get to gate 1 and it's closed. Hey, it happens, and I don't always pay attention to the notices even when they send them. I go to gate 9, about a 15 min drive, and go in (it's always open). I drive back to the building I work in, thinking that there's not a lot of traffic.

It hit me when the parking lot was completely empty. It's never easy to find a parking place.

So, yeah. I feel ya'.

Twirrim · 4 points · Posted at 01:20:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that once. Used to catch a 5:15am bus to downtown (first of the day). Got up, ate breakfast, stood waiting at the bus stop, bored. Eventually checked watch and realised it was only just after 3.

fatsy6 · 6 points · Posted at 01:29:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once took a long nap and woke up at 7 in a panic because I was an hour late for work. Threw on my scrubs and ran to my car. Looked around and realized... it’s 7 pm. I go to work at 6 am.

BearneyStinson · 4 points · Posted at 01:39:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that in high school once. I woke up and turned the shower on and went back into my room real quick to grab my towel or something and my mom walked in the bathroom wearing her pajamas like "What the fuck are you doing?" I said I was getting ready for school then she told me it was 2 am. It clicked how tired I was.

proc89 · 4 points · Posted at 01:46:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this last week. Kind of. I start at 5:30, wake up at about 4:45. Well, I woke up, went to the bathroom, went back to my bedroom to get dressed. Then I noticed it was pretty quiet in my house. There are 2 other people in my house that leave at about 5, and I couldn't hear either of them. Grabbed my phone, checked the time... 11:30pm. I had been in bed for 3 hours. Yeah, nope. Going back to bed!

Kuuwaren30 · 5 points · Posted at 03:31:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago I had a very stressful and tiring day. I had just been chosen to train someone who was having a lot of trouble in training and it was an extremely busy and complex day. I spent the day constantly fighting to keep them from killing people (I'm air traffic control). When I got home I passed out as soon as I got out of my uniform.

I woke up a few hours later, looked at my phone, and immediate freaked out. It was 7pm, but my still exhausted brain thought it was 7am and I had overslept by 3 hours so was extremely late to work. I called into work while rushing to put on my uniform, desperately hoping they would understand. I didn't realize the truth until both my wife and the coworker on the phone were laughing so hard they could barely breathe.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 03:46:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this in high school. I went to bed early at about 9 and woke up and just thought I beat my alarm. My dad would be gone to work when I got up and normally left the light over the stove on, but it wasn't on that morning. Just thought "huh that's strange" and got in the shower.

When I got it, I saw them clock - 1 am. I was about 5 hours too early.

I did it again a few weeks later but when I realized the light wasn't on, I walked over to the stove to see the time and saw it was only midnight, so I just went back to bed.

baby_fart · 5 points · Posted at 04:29:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why do you buy your lunch at a garage? Is food commonly sold in garages?

whyamiwastingmytime1 · 11 points · Posted at 08:12:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the UK, yes. If you're American, you'd call it a gas station though

baby_fart · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gotcha.

Vincent_ornitier · 3 points · Posted at 00:40:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done something similar before got up checked my phone got dressed and rushed out the door cause I was late only to realize it was a Saturday and I don't work on Saturdays.....

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:58:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes show up to work on my day off...

BareNuckleBoxingBear · 3 points · Posted at 05:17:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I had a similar experience when I worked at as a baker for a grocery store once. Being a grocery store there was only ever one baker typically as it wasn't the biggest operation, especially in the mornings which I usually am booked for. We started at 5am so buses in the area didn't even run and I had to bike some 10km. Well one morning I get in walk right past the bakery of which I even noticed someone already there but I just thought it was strange but not much more of it being still very tired. I got up to the break room to have my coffee and oatmeal before work only to try punching in for the day to find that I was booked for the afternoon! To make things worse once I get home I've almost biked a marathon so there is absolutely no way I'm getting back to sleep. I also wish I could say that this was the only time this happened at that job...

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 3 points · Posted at 05:47:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your post just reminded me that I get to NOT get up at the asscrack of dawn tomorrow for work! So, thanks!!

savageboredom · 3 points · Posted at 07:06:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this mixing up AM and PM. Took a nap in the afternoon and blearily looked at the cable box when I woke up. Saw that it was 6:30 so I hopped in the shower and got dressed. I was putting my shoes one when I realized something wasn’t quite right and I finally figured out what was going on.

sanfilsr · 2 points · Posted at 01:24:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once but it was 12 hours before. Work was also an hour drive at that time. That was fun to say the least.

moonley64 · 2 points · Posted at 01:26:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can relate to this. I woke up at what I thought was 7am and had a shower before school. Get out, get dressed and check my phone to discover it was 2am.

Walshy231231 · 2 points · Posted at 05:21:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done the same for a high school sports morning practice, on the last day before winter break, but by about 2 hours. Decided to wait at school, might as well just try to sleep there and make sure I’m not late (my coach would kill us if we were ever late).

Practice ends up being cancelled because, out of nowhere, our coach thought it too dangerous for us to drive through a snowstorm at 4:30 am. Alright, I’ll just wait for classes to start.

School ends up cancelled, but I don’t figure out until 20 minutes after the first class was supposed to start.

Got up at 3:30am and drive through a really bad snowstorm for no reason

The_Jesus_Beast · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up at 3 am for school, never realized it, took a shower noting the abnormal darkness of 7 o'clock, finally realizing it was 3:23 am when I walked back into my room...RIP

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:01:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hah--my adopted sister did this once. Got up, started showering at 1:30 or 2:30 AM. Adopted dad woke up, demanded to know what she was doing in the bathroom. Explained she was getting ready for school. Explained it was the middle of the night. Confusion and hilarity ensued.

Polkaspotgurl · 2 points · Posted at 06:23:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use to be scheduled to start work at 5am everyday, even though my availability said 6am. A few months later, management tried to get me to come in even earlier at 4am and I put my foot down. I was firm, said no to 4am and said from that point on, my availability was 6am and that was final. The first day I was scheduled at 6am I totally forgot and came rushing in a few minutes after 5am thinking I was late. Tried to punch in and the time clock kept rejecting my ID. Then it hit me. Felt so stupid.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:24:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

HAHA I've done the same thing and when I was half way to work I realized it was Saturday.

DejoMasters · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once! When I was 10, I woke up at 6 for school. I wanted to be early after years of being late. I would wake up and start blastibg the TV while I changed. One day, I did just this, and my mom came downstairs to ask wtf I was doing. I had woken up at midnight by accident and thought it was 6 a.m..... For some reason.

AnObsessedRedditor · 2 points · Posted at 06:27:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had that a few months ago. I went to sleep nice and early around 22.30 because I was super tired. I woke up, took a shower as usual, still felt really tired and then I saw the time. Apperantly it was around midnight

Somehow I managed to think my alarm went off and shower around midnight.

shrk352 · 2 points · Posted at 06:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did this last saturday. Woke up, showered, got dressed, ate breakfast, got in the car and only when I was driving down the street did I realize it was 2:30am instead of 6:30am. Just drove around the bock and went back to bed.

-conrick- · 2 points · Posted at 06:34:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once. I have to get up arround 4am bc work starts at 6am and i have a long way to go. So anyways i get up one day and prepare myself some breakfast and then get ready to leave. As i go out the house i plug in my headphones, like i always do, and only then realized it was Saturday. And not only that i didnt even have shift that day. But i was pretty happy that i didnt have to go to work.

starofdoom · 2 points · Posted at 06:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar a few years back when I was in high school. I guess I fell asleep at 9pm or so, woke up at 11:30pm but thought it was morning and my brain refused to process the clock, so I just started getting ready. I took a shower, and was mid-way through eating when my dad got up and asked what the hell I was doing showering (I always shower in the morning) and eating cereal at midnight.

crimmycrumbs · 2 points · Posted at 06:54:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

in like third grade i woke up, panicked, got dressed in my school uniform as i ran around waking my parents and whole house (4 of us, all in school), telling them we were going to be late for school. it was 3am too.

crunkadocious · 2 points · Posted at 07:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove to school on a Sunday. Was gonna be late so I was speeding, got a ticket. Parked in residential streets so didnt see the empty parking lot behind the school.

thedirtsquirrel · 2 points · Posted at 09:12:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar. Had a long day at work, a few beers and big dinner. Ended up falling asleep on the couch. Had my watch on and woke up at 7:00. Panicked the fuck out, showered, get dressed and ready for work. Walking to my car to finally check my phone to see if I have any emails, and finally say that it's now like 7:20pm. And it was Friday night.

Zorbane · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've definitely woken up and gotten dressed for work before realizing I woke up early.

mrbort · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that once after a hard after-work nap. Drove straight to work and was confused by the lack of traffic going in at 7PM.

ominousgraycat · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once had to work at 6:45 and I got up, showered got dressed, and went to work and realized I was there 1 hour early. I had already showered, gotten dressed, and knew by the time I got back, took off my clothes, and got back in bed, that it would be almost time for me to get up again, so I just stayed awake and hung out for an hour.

A_Goofy_Guy · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hah! I've done something like this once when I was in school. I woke up in the morning, got ready, ate breakfast and biked a mile and half to school. I realised something was wrong when the bike lockup was empty... I went back home and my mother was wondering why I was up so early on a Saturday

datboidid711 · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of the time I got up and took a shower at 4 am (I guess I dreamed that my alarm went off?) But once I noticed after getting dressed and ready I didn't have enough time to go back to sleep.

securitywyrm · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For awhile I had that happen with my commute too. I had a 4 hour daily commute so I'd snap awake, get dressed, drive to the train station and... where's all the other cars? Rub eyes, look at clock... it's 2am.

Barbara1182 · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that on a Saturday when I was off work.

Lilkcough1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:03:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had something similar in elementary school. I woke up 3-4 hours early. Thought it looked a little dark, but didn't think much of it since it was winter and I normally woke up fairly early. Started making myself breakfast before my dad came downstairs and told me what time it was. I'd walked by about 3 clocks at that point and just never realized

Maazell · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened to me too. But my mistake was going to work on a Sunday not Saturday

Vawqer · 1 points · Posted at 06:22:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the same, except I stopped just short of walking out the door.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:03:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like you got Amelie'd

TeaShores · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's heartbreaking.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:44:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hold on a a minute, you started at 6am but you got up at 5:15, had time for breakfast and to pick up lunch, get ready and drive to work? Haha

bananas21 · 1 points · Posted at 09:20:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that. Tried to go to work at 2am, realized my mistale as i got there, immediately turn around, and saw a cop had started to follow me home... :(

Moikepdx · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar one year during the "fall back" part of daylight savings time. I hadn't adjusted my clock, so I showed up at work at 4:45 AM instead of 5:45. The doors were locked any nobody else was there. I lived 30 minutes away so there was no point trying to go home. I decided to take a quick nap in the parking lot.

Two hours later, I woke up and now I'm an hour late to work. My boss had seen me asleep in the parking lot, but didn't bother to wake me.

TheRealTimpah · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow sometjing similar happened to me, went through my entire morning routine, stressed as always and biked to work. Only to get there on a saturday morning.. i didn’t work weekends.. FML

-Rednal- · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do rotating shifts, mornings, afternoons, nights. On three occasions I have pulled up outside my coworkers house to pick him up at 5am Monday morning and saw all the lights off. My first thought is that fucker is still in bed. Turns out he has every right to be, a we're not on mornings, I'm an idiot and he doesn't appreciate being woken up 5 hours early.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:58:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clocks. They tell the time and help you avoid things like this.

Traegs_ · 1 points · Posted at 11:00:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My buddy once took a nap right after work, woke up at 8pm and started his morning routine.

minkastu · 1 points · Posted at 11:28:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man I did this when I was a breakfast server! Got up and showered, got dressed, literally had my keys in my hand and was walking out the door when I caught a glimpse of my microwave clock and saw that it was 1:15am

tenkutogijo · 1 points · Posted at 12:03:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened to me once. I woke up, thought I missed my alarm or something and proceeded to get ready for school. There were no cars or people on the street which was a bit strange so I checked my phone (I was nearly at the bus station so I'd been walking for about 5 minutes) and though it wasn't the first time I looked at the time it was the first time I /looked/ and saw it was bloody 2am. I turned back then snuck in as quietly as possible because no way would my mom believe her back then 17y/o daugter is all dressed up and has one foot out the door in the middle of the night because she thought it was school time lol.

AlexLannister · 1 points · Posted at 12:48:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Did that when I first started my nursing school, I was not a early person and my first practice required me to wake up at 0530 so I could catch the bus and arrived the hospital before 0700. Did that on my first day, went home fully exhausted, had a nap, then suddenly woke up. I looked the watch and it said it’s 0700. So I was in a full panic mood, got dressed as quick as I could and asked my parents drove me to hospital (didn’t have my license back in that time). Dad was sitting there watching TV. I was yelling ‘quick. I’m late; drive me to the hospital NOOOW’. But all the sudden, I was like ‘dad? Why are you watching TV at 0700 in the morning and fully dress?? What’s going on?” I pulled out my phone and then realised it was bloody 1900 at night.

I had and still have mechanical watches and 0700 and 1900 are exactly the same on it. I graduated nursing school 3 years ago and after 6 years I’m still not a early person, I would love to wake up at 0800 whenever I’m not on a morning shift. And so does my dad. It was strange to see him that chill at 0700. I don’t think he ever has a clue what happened but that’s embarrassing.

XxFuzzyTurdxX · 1 points · Posted at 13:00:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's great though! You got to enjoy the feeling of "more" sleep!

arabidopsis · 1 points · Posted at 13:28:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that but on a Saturday.

smedium5 · 1 points · Posted at 13:39:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had something similar happen to me. I woke up, saw the time - about 1 o'clock (but missed the lack of a PM light), assumed I slept through my alarm and was several hours late. I checked the bus schedules and was surprised to see no options to get me to my normal bus (about a 20 min walk away). Figuring that I had to run on foot to the regular bus, I hurried myself out of bed and was almost out of the door when my roommates stopped me. They had been talking in the living room for the last 2 hours I had been asleep. I called into work that day with a fever of about 100.

Kafferty3519 · 1 points · Posted at 13:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can get up only 45min early for work? Damn I’d have to be up at least 90min early to make sure I’m actually awake for the day and not rushed in the morning, not even counting the commute

silly_gaijin · 1 points · Posted at 14:07:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother and his son both have this thing of waking up totally disoriented, believing they have to be in school/at work in a short time, and having to be told it is, in fact, the middle of the night, and they're showering.

franconianfag404 · 1 points · Posted at 14:31:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ohh i nearly did the same thing! It was when i was living at my parents house and about 3 days into my new traineeship. Since this was my first job, I was super excited every night before work. So one time I remember hearing my alarm (at least I thought so), went downstairs to make some coffee when suddendly I hear my dad yell "wtf anon are you doing, it's 2 AM!". I was 4 hours early :D Btw i was more concerned by the fact that this was not the first time it happened to me :/

S8nbaby · 1 points · Posted at 15:28:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me! I wake up for school at 6:30, and one day I went to sleep really early and naturally woke up at 12:30, and got fully ready, left the house, and waited for the school bus for 10 minutes before my parents called me asking where the fuck I went. I was so fucking confused for the rest of the day... also where I live in the winter at 7 in the morning it’s pitch black so not much difference compared to 1:00

SasoDuck · 1 points · Posted at 15:34:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That literally happened to me this morning. My roommate’s alarm goes off, I think it’s mine, so I get up, I’m doing my usual, turn on the shower so it cam heat up, start making my bed and my roommate is like “What are you doing?”

“I’m taking a shower, what do you mean?”

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’? I always take a shower in the morning.”

“Dude it’s 3am, I’m up to go to the airport, you don’t have to be anywhere until 7:00.”

I promptly went back to bed.

leadabae · 1 points · Posted at 20:00:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

what are y'all doing that you don't even look at the time when you wake up? I use my phone as an alarm but even if I used a regular alarm clock I would still look at it when I turned it off.

elQc · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:52 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are we just going to forget that you wake up just 45mins prior your job AND you stop to buy lunch AND in 3 hours you had time to go back home and sleep?

Batman_AoD · -2 points · Posted at 04:42:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you bought your lunch somewhere that was open before 3am?

whyamiwastingmytime1 · 2 points · Posted at 08:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, 24 hour gas station

lunchladyshand · 17902 points · Posted at 22:28:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove home from Phoenix to Prescott, forgetting the fact that I had moved to Flagstaff about a month prior. Got all the way to my old driveway before realizing my error. (Both Prescott and Flagstaff are north of Phoenix, but are about 1.75 hours apart from each other).

neiroz · 727 points · Posted at 01:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no haha!! Fun to see an AZ one here. I am a wondering when the time will come that I accidentally drive to my old job in downtown Phoenix, a practiced route of three years

BanosTheModTitan · 132 points · Posted at 02:33:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've lived here since I was 8. And now I'm currently visiting again from college. Last time I was here I went I leave and went the wrong way on the I-10 out of habit and ended up near downtown Phoenix before I turned around to head towards Tuscon

P2T7 · 16 points · Posted at 08:51:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aye I’m also a Phoenix local who went down to UA. A couple months ago I was driving back from Tucson and missed my exit off the I10 without realizing it. Then I hit the tunnel downtown, knew something was off, are learned that I fucked up.

KBHoleN1 · -43 points · Posted at 05:26:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You’d think someone who lives in Arizona would know how to spell Tucson.

[deleted] · 63 points · Posted at 05:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get a load of THIS Einstein, they've never made a typo before!

Yousuckbutt · 2 points · Posted at 05:54:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly I personally am quite the grammar Nazi, however I agree this man's demeanor seems to be that of a s*** head.

HystericallyAccurate · -1 points · Posted at 06:24:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude... chill

beastburst · 12 points · Posted at 06:01:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

People from Tucson don't know how to spell Tucson.

Source: Family lives in Tucson

byborne · 6 points · Posted at 06:19:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should have misspelled the last Tucson for comedic effect

lonely_nipple · 2 points · Posted at 06:03:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've lived in AZ since 97, I'd have spelled it wrong too.

beastburst · 8 points · Posted at 06:36:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can only spell it right by saying it wrong.

c_real · 1 points · Posted at 08:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tuckson

bizar0-- · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should see how people spell Albuquerque. I worked in IT and trapped for misspellings. I found about 40 ways it is spelled.

Doomisntjustagame · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're assuming any of us know how to spell.

hannabelle24769 · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend still spells it "Tuscan" and he's lived there for a year.

edro_fallen · 45 points · Posted at 06:51:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a friend was driving to visit family back in AZ from LA they missed the turn off and ended up in Vegas

anxietyrelief215 · 9 points · Posted at 14:11:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s a straight shot on the I-10 from LA to PHX. they “missed their turn” and didn’t have to spend a weekend with family. I gotta miss a turn more often.

SpadoCochi · 1 points · Posted at 15:31:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"10 hours of blackjack before I realized."

[deleted] · 44 points · Posted at 05:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove through Arizona and my brain was numb by the end of it too. It's the Saskatchewan of America. They don't even change time zones.

NominativeSingular · 30 points · Posted at 07:56:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for contextualizing things for us Canadians. Often people say "_____ is the ______ of America" I've never heard it for Canada.

It feels nice to be considered :)

nahelbond · 18 points · Posted at 06:53:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, we have a really great hole up north. Give us some credit!

BriefYear · 44 points · Posted at 06:59:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been to most states, and Arizona has some of the most beautiful things in my opinion. The state varies drastically, if you want anything other than the ocean, it's there. Almost as nice as California or Montana

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:32:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

we're Canada's hole all right.

Isaac0414 · 7 points · Posted at 06:54:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not sure of that is a compliment or an insult to Arizona, but it sounds good!

OpheliaOnFire · 8 points · Posted at 06:35:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How rude!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:54 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're confusing us with somewhere else. A huge part of the state is mountains and forest, we have a ton of huge lakes and national parks, we have the fucking grand canyon, saguaros, world-renowned sunsets, the best mexican food in the game, ancient native american ruins, huge mesas and red sands... the cities are lame for the most part but we are NOT a flat wheat-field hell like Saskatchewan. There's a lot going on here.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:29:15 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean it’d be perfect if not for the 3 months of the year where it’s 115+ degrees.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 23:46:35 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't really see that it's much different than living somewhere where it's -10 degrees for 3+ months of the year, just a matter of personal preference, like boxers or briefs. I personally prefer cold climates but I was born directly under the sun's asshole so just gotta deal!

masterdeek · 2 points · Posted at 07:22:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Another Arizonan here too! I'm in Tucson

AZsince83 · 2 points · Posted at 08:39:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sameville

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 18:29:42 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

San Tan Valley checking in.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:19:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in Tempe for a decade and I can't drive anywhere near there without automatically heading towards work by accident

Dogbiker · 116 points · Posted at 01:00:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least Prescott was on the way towards flagstaff.

D_for_Diabetes · 69 points · Posted at 05:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the way ish

swaddell13 · 26 points · Posted at 05:36:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah the 69 takes you like 45 min out of the way

neon_cabbage · 4 points · Posted at 05:49:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

kek

IPlayRaunchyMusic · 12 points · Posted at 06:12:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stop for a little 69, and the 69 can take you 69 minutes out of the way.

HermitDefenestration · 1 points · Posted at 08:11:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

45 minutes? What a gamer.

reddit__scrub · 6 points · Posted at 06:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Better than towards Tucson, yeah. But still.... Haha

severianSaint · 144 points · Posted at 03:09:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once was driving home from work and got a call from an old roommate. Probably 20 minute conversation. I realized as we were hanging up that I had absentmindedly driven to the place he and Iived together some 5 years prior. That was the only time I'd ever driven back to that house.

coltstrgj · 24 points · Posted at 08:15:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom and step dad build houses so they move a lot. They forgot to tell me once so when I came home from college I unlocked and walked in to a stranger's house. Nobody was home luckily (or at least I didn't see anybody).

girlinaboat · 13 points · Posted at 10:09:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did they forget to tell you they moved??

coltstrgj · 11 points · Posted at 10:53:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't go home often and they move a lot. I assume they just forgot because they were so busy or maybe thought they already did.

CanaGUC · 2 points · Posted at 14:50:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The new owners didn't change the locks? That's odd.

coltstrgj · 1 points · Posted at 18:30:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's changing locks common? I've only had one apartment do it that I know of.

CanaGUC · 3 points · Posted at 19:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, I've always changed the locks whenever I move into a new place. You never know who lived there before and decided to make spares...

Come home one day to an empty place and the insurance won't reimburse you because someone else had a key = my nightmare. Not sure if that could happen, but with insurance companies, you never know and I don't want to test my luck.

mr_fixx · 81 points · Posted at 03:17:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar story, lived in NYC for 9 years and had a habit of walking pretty much everywhere. I had a specific route that I'd walk home to, but early last year I moved to Jersey City, but continued to work in Manhattan. Subconsciously began walking home via the same route I always do without giving it a second thought. It wasn't until I was about a block away from my old place when I realized, shoot I don't live here no more :(

D_for_Diabetes · 39 points · Posted at 05:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All these people talking about the pretty parts of Northern AZ and I'm just sitting here remembering growing up in the backwater that is Camp Verde.

we-dge · 19 points · Posted at 05:28:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s okay. I went to school in Mayer. Ugh.

D_for_Diabetes · 17 points · Posted at 05:29:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

we-dge · 10 points · Posted at 05:38:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

thank u

[deleted] · 20 points · Posted at 05:13:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lmfao hey at least there's a Wendy's there now

swaddell13 · 12 points · Posted at 05:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And a lovely jail lol

Eric-Stratton · 10 points · Posted at 06:59:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You guys have 101.1, the valley’s only semi-underground old school rap station that comes in clear about 25% of the time.

Back when I lived in Phoenix it was my go to station and was always mind blown that they were broadcasting out of the town “just before the McDonalds where you take a left to go to Prescott” as I always saw it in my head.

D_for_Diabetes · 4 points · Posted at 07:00:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, we also have a meth problem, so overall not worth it.

caughtyoureye · 10 points · Posted at 07:02:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up in that area, too and Camp Verde is definitely, definitely the armpit of the Verde Valley. I hope you're somewhere nicer now.. or at the very least in Cottonwood.

D_for_Diabetes · 5 points · Posted at 07:22:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Phoenix now, Flag in fall 2019. No plans to return to CV.

BeauDog · 73 points · Posted at 02:45:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just a quick hello from a former Prescott resident! Prescott was my hometown and it always makes me smile when I see it pop up on Reddit posts!

Your post made me laugh, though, because my family moved to Flagstaff from Prescott ages back. After driving down to visit my grandma one day, my mom drove to our old house in Prescott out of habit. We were both confused why there were random cars in the driveway before we realized we no longer lived there.

[deleted] · 28 points · Posted at 04:07:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

TheHoodedNan · 28 points · Posted at 04:21:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fave part is knowing we're all saying it like biscuit in our heads

WUN_WUN_SMASH · 22 points · Posted at 05:11:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was listening to a podcast that repeatedly mentioned Prescott and Yavapai, and they mispronounced both every single time. I know it's a dumb thing to be aggravated by, especially since no literate person should pronounce "Prescott" the way Prescottonians do, but man oh man did I want to yell at them.

arsenalgooner77 · 10 points · Posted at 05:23:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for a company that has a warehouse in Prescott Valley. Been out there a few times from Chicago. My wife thinks I’m crazy when I tell her it isn’t pronounced Pres-scott.

treadingonmydreams · 8 points · Posted at 05:29:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How is it pronounced, then?

bageltheperson · 7 points · Posted at 05:36:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like biscuit

arsenalgooner77 · 14 points · Posted at 05:54:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Prescuit

deutscheprinzessin · 2 points · Posted at 10:35:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been living in AZ for 7 years now and I’m never sure how to pronounce it and have tried several ways and nobody ever corrects me, no matter how I say it. English isn’t my first language so I think people cut me some slack but from now on I’ll remember it this way. Thank you!

Now if someone could tell me how to pronounce Pinal county so it doesn’t sound like I’m talking about something phallic, that would be great. With that one people have actually given me weird looks so I know I’m saying it wrong.

caughtyoureye · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was the podcast?

I_am_recaptcha · 15 points · Posted at 04:53:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well that’s how you know if you’re still a local or not: once you start saying it wrong in your head then you’ve officially moved on 😕

nahelbond · 6 points · Posted at 06:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh good lord, I just realized how weird we pronounce Prescott. I need to get out of this state more.

drumlinedork · 3 points · Posted at 07:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's literally tens of us!

I_am_recaptcha · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This gave me a good chuckle hehe

swaddell13 · 4 points · Posted at 05:37:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too hi my prescott peeps :)

TeaTimeInsanity · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here!

Tigergirl1975 · 65 points · Posted at 02:15:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar. Drove to my old house, got out, and couldnt understand why my keys didn't work in the lock.

The new residents opened the door to me red faced and stammering that I had the wrong house.an, that was embarrassing.

PsLJdogg · 19 points · Posted at 06:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm from Minnesota, but my fake ID from 17-20 years old was from Flagstaff (I just want in on all this Arizona love).

iwantacleanusername · 8 points · Posted at 06:43:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cheers, some say the AZ license is the easiest to fake because the real ones already look fake

leoliquidvapor · 6 points · Posted at 07:25:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm. I had a fake Arizona id for 3-4 years before I turned 21. It scanned and everything.

lunchladyshand · 5 points · Posted at 07:27:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My AZ license doesn't expire until 2049!

PsLJdogg · 3 points · Posted at 08:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, there was a website that sold "novelty" IDs with the words "Organ Donor" on them where you could upload an actual photo of yourself and get whatever address you wanted. I compared each ID they offered to images I found of the real thing and the Arizona ones were basically identical, minus the "Organ Donor" part, so that's what I went with. Never got questioned once during those 3-4 years. In fact, I was visiting my friends at college and we were drinking in an on-campus apartment complex and the cops got called and even they were fooled by it. I had to tell them it was fake. They confiscated it of course, but I just ordered another one and continued using it until I turned 21.

dinnerwdr13 · 18 points · Posted at 02:20:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have to drive to Prescott from Phoenix every Wednesday for work. I'm headed to Cottonwood for personal reasons tomorrow, I'm kind of wondering if I will flake and drive to Prescott.

willpauer · 50 points · Posted at 01:30:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least Prescott to Flag is a super pretty drive

pauldecommie · 36 points · Posted at 02:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Especially if you take the extra 45 minutes through Sedona

Lieutenant_Leary · 15 points · Posted at 05:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sedona is gorgeous during a good sunset

depressed_pizza · 13 points · Posted at 01:18:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

jeez haha, only thing that happened to me like that was that i drove the wrong way down camelback road! took me about 20 minutes to realize my house was the other way.

Aerotactics · 59 points · Posted at 00:20:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

whirlpool4 · 24 points · Posted at 00:59:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

L

Shinime · 21 points · Posted at 01:06:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

C

nicholasyepe · 23 points · Posted at 02:22:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

L

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 05:05:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIDE ON SHOOTING STAR

Iivk · 0 points · Posted at 01:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

K

Shinime · 31 points · Posted at 01:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

so close

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 02:19:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goodbye.

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 03:01:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:53:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should always expect the unexpected

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:02:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then get on my level noob

iHadou · 11 points · Posted at 04:16:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A

BumbotheCleric · 7 points · Posted at 04:39:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

G

nathan0012 · 6 points · Posted at 04:45:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

S

GNB_Mec · 8 points · Posted at 05:17:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

T

Rebelgecko · 7 points · Posted at 05:25:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A

passiverevolutionary · 7 points · Posted at 05:31:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 05:33:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Hamal_the_Aries · 2 points · Posted at 07:07:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goodbye.

DillonSyp · 1 points · Posted at 09:25:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

D

JohnnyNapkins · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goodbye.

Doomisntjustagame · 10 points · Posted at 06:26:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shout out for AZ!!!

Babybleu42 · 8 points · Posted at 04:32:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude Prescott is so far off I17 too, sucky! I am from Flag :)

onlyinrealife · 5 points · Posted at 06:54:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m from Flag too!

GQcyclist · 7 points · Posted at 01:49:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

PC to NAU?

I_am_recaptcha · 8 points · Posted at 04:07:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey! I lived in Prescott!

bageltheperson · 9 points · Posted at 05:34:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi fellow Prescottonian!

lilred_bitch · 8 points · Posted at 05:47:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm way too excited to find other people from prescott on here!

bageltheperson · 6 points · Posted at 05:48:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too!

HashSlasher0311 · 2 points · Posted at 08:50:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm in Chino, can I be included?

LaFemmeFatale060 · 2 points · Posted at 23:55:09 on March 29, 2019 · (Permalink)

Same!

Shrimpheavennow227 · 8 points · Posted at 04:54:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fun to see places I know here! My grandparents lived in Prescott and we drove up from Phoenix all the time. I love Prescott valley brewing co. Achocolypse beer - reminds me of my grandpa!

bageltheperson · 5 points · Posted at 05:38:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Prescott Brewing Company lol. The Christmas City Ale is amazing

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:38:11 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my favorite beers! :)

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 05:24:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends got high AF and were driving North to Sacramento or some such area and ended up well into Oregon.

TeamTurnt · 1 points · Posted at 12:26:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s a 5-6+ hours difference! Plus, Sacramento is a bigger city compared to the stops along I5 that they took to go to Oregon.

Whatever they were high on, I want LOL. Sounds like a fun time!

TheHoodedNan · 5 points · Posted at 04:23:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Another former Prescottonian popping in to say what up.

GenderMage · 6 points · Posted at 04:56:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rhode Islander here- 1.75 hours takes me out of the state in any direction.

we-dge · 6 points · Posted at 05:27:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar but not quite as rough. Was driving from Phoenix home to Prescott to see my mom and got all the way downtown when I remembered my Mom had moved to Humbolt a month prior:(

Faux_Butter · 7 points · Posted at 06:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone from Flagstaff holy shit

MyTVisBig · 6 points · Posted at 06:24:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to rehab in Prescott. Lol.

andee510 · 7 points · Posted at 06:41:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha, I was in sober living in Prescott. Recovery centers everywhere. The townies hated us.

lunchladyshand · 3 points · Posted at 07:28:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Of course you did LOL

willpreecs · 6 points · Posted at 06:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reading from parents couch in Queen Creek after driving from Flagstaff to visit for the holidays. I love stumbling on people from my state let alone town on Reddit. Makes the world feel smaller in a cool way.

goldenstudent · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:30 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sorry you live in Queen Creek.

willpreecs · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:36 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I'm slowly but surely convincing the family to escape as well!

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 05:07:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that with Chicago and Milwaukee. I lived in Rockford.

WhiteFilipino · 5 points · Posted at 06:09:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey nice to see some recognition for Flag on reddit!

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 05:11:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've just gone past home before on the interstate in high school. Look at the exit sign and realized I'm 40 miles past my exit without even realizing it. Happened maybe once a month after I had a pretty bad concussion. Not sure if they were connected but I never happened before that.

BranTheNightKing · 5 points · Posted at 06:25:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in college I got fractured one night and I woke up the next morning at my house. My families house. My school was an hour away. I never figured that one out and I didnt have a car to drive at the time.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:51:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fractured? Blackout drunk?

new_account_again · 4 points · Posted at 06:45:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love that drive. All the way to flagstaff. So much fun. My brain fart was coming from Utah to Phoenix and seeing the distant i clearly had enough gas to get over the mountain and head into Sedona, easy. Forgot how much extra gas my car was going to use driving up that hill and just watched my gas gauge drop non stop. I literally coasted all down the mountain to the closest gas station which aaa still miles away after the decent. I was freaking out.

Useless_Info_Bot_ · 4 points · Posted at 09:59:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why does it hurt so much that you said 1.75 hours instead of 1 hour 45 minutes...

lunchladyshand · 2 points · Posted at 16:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha.. I'm not sure. I've had some people say they liked how I said it and a few people try to correct me :)

Daytona_675 · 7 points · Posted at 04:20:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bruh Embry riddle feels

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:06:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm looking into going there for college possibly. What's it like? (Assuming you go there)

Daytona_675 · 2 points · Posted at 09:12:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's over priced and unnecessary. I recommend going to a local FPO. My flight instructor was definitely not very good. (I was fixed wing dunno if rotorcraft would be diff)

Oh though if you are going for a non pilot related major, like aeronautical engineering, def good

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:42:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I'm really interested in aerospace engineering, more on the space side I think.

1plus1equalsgender · 3 points · Posted at 01:04:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof

journeyingnorth · 3 points · Posted at 03:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve driven to my old house before, but it wasn’t quite that far away!

dentongai · 3 points · Posted at 04:58:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha omg

xSinityx · 3 points · Posted at 06:37:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up in Prescott... Valley, counts.

I dream all the time of going to work here in Louisiana but having to drive through Prescott during the water fights.

spids69 · 2 points · Posted at 07:15:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up in Payson, which people always somehow confuse with Prescott, so... Counts. :p

1m4h4x0r309 · 3 points · Posted at 06:38:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finally someone else who uses decimal time!

XdrummerXboy · 3 points · Posted at 06:52:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this to my old house in Gilbert. Thank God I only live a mile from the old house though.

bamerjamer · 3 points · Posted at 07:21:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed so hard at this. Riddle grad?

lunchladyshand · 3 points · Posted at 07:47:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

NAU

rolfraikou · 2 points · Posted at 03:34:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flagstaff. Tell me you've been to New Jersey Pizza Co. It's my favorite pizza place. (I live in San Diego California. That's a hell of a drive for me.)

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:04:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I normally go to uni then to work after, but the other day I didn’t have any classes but just work. Took the wrong road, of course.

Spud_Gun117 · 2 points · Posted at 06:31:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man I did this coming home from work about 3 months ago! Luckily my new house was only 15 mins away so not quite as bad! But I get how that goes at least haha

therealtinasky · 2 points · Posted at 06:41:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is almost a literal autopilot

halcrime · 2 points · Posted at 08:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude. That’s funny. Go jacks.

BingoBongoBang · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn’t drive that far but I one moved into a new house during a particularly busy time of year at work. I drove home one night a couple months after the move to my old place and only realized that I was at the wrong house when my key wouldn’t work in the door

abuch47 · 2 points · Posted at 08:27:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

as an Aussie I loved flagstaff being a cooler mountain town in April then drive down a steepish freeway to the frying pan heat of Phoenix and the Sonora desert. What a wild change of exquisite scenery.

EZE_it_is_42 · 2 points · Posted at 08:45:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love that home feeling of getting back North from the valley. At least you were away from Phoenix

winkfloyd · 2 points · Posted at 08:51:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love Preskit!

KweenSadGurl · 2 points · Posted at 08:52:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live right outside of prescott! On the other side of the white spars

88high · 2 points · Posted at 08:55:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up in Prescott and have done that several times. I’ll suddenly snap to when pulling into my street, not remembering the drive.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:57:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weird to see this post after moving to Flagstaff from Prescott five months ago.

Yearslonglurker · 2 points · Posted at 09:14:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Prescott, like biscuit.

justuslover · 2 points · Posted at 09:37:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha. I can't tell you how many times I've spaced fur to being stuck in traffic and realized I've gone to far on the 10. I live on the West valley, but lots of friends in the East valley. I work down town. One day I didn't realize I went to far until I hit Ikea.

mikerichh · 2 points · Posted at 09:37:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How though. No GPS? I feel like the signs and ETA would have been hints

lunchladyshand · 1 points · Posted at 16:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LOL. You would definitely think so, but this was a trip I took regularly and normally wouldn't need to be told how to get there... Also it happened to me when I was in college —back in 2002, which was before smart phones. If I was going to get directions from the internet, I would have had to of printed them from MapQuest.

mikerichh · 2 points · Posted at 16:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahhh good ol' MapQuest. I still find it funny how one Christmas everyone bought GPS's and the next year or 2 thry were obsolete with smartphones

imhoots · 2 points · Posted at 10:01:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to live in Flagstaff and would love to move back there, or even to Prescott, again.

lucb1e · 2 points · Posted at 10:17:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really like your decimal time notation. Shit trips me up sometimes: at 1:45 I'll sometimes think it's almost halfway to 2. Decimal ftw.

Mysid · 2 points · Posted at 12:07:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After I first moved, I did have a bad habit of leaving work and heading toward my old house, but even though it means going in different directions as my job is between the two, my old house and my new house are in the same town. I would have done what you did, and I’m glad I didn’t.

werekitty93 · 2 points · Posted at 12:13:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost flew to NC from Florida three months early to a baby shower and didn't realise it until about 5 minutes before boarding.

SmilieSmith · 2 points · Posted at 12:33:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the corner store the other day to grab a missing ingredient for some baking I was doing. Got 1/2 way to work before I realised what I was up to. My kids were at home waiting for me, wondering what was taking so long.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:39:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've always moved homes a lot throughout my life, more than most people I've met, and i think it had a weird effect on me. There have been many times where I'll start heading home, then remember I moved and I'm heading towards where i USED to live, and have a quick panic attack trying to remember where I currently lived. Usually it just makes a second, but there have been times where I had to pull over and think about that shit.

What's weird is that I don't always go towards the LAST place i lived, but just... some random place out of the selection. Other times I'll wake up at night and not recognize the room I'm in, my brain will want to be in one of my old rooms, but now I'm in so e different place. That doesn't happen as often, but it's always a little scary when it does. The brain is weird, man.

I don't think I'm senile or anything, I'm only 32.

parentaccount1143 · 13639 points · Posted at 22:10:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've worked as a caregiver for adults with mental and physical disabilities for more than a decade now. I'm a caregiver. I do basic cares, which include helping many adult men do their daily activities, things like: shaving, buttoning shirts, making sure belts are on correctly, so on and so forth.

Once on a date, I was a bit buzzed. I fixed my date's shirt, and told him he needed to look in the mirror and see if he wanted a shave.

PM_ME_YOUR_DOGSNCATS · 3537 points · Posted at 00:33:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve only been working as a caregiver for 2 months and I’m already doing this sort of thing

parentaccount1143 · 4798 points · Posted at 00:37:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha! It only gets worse!!! Prepare yourself for endless embarrassment.

I had a client who would claw at his own face, so every time he raised his hands, I would gently move them away before he could hurt himself.

I stopped so many friends from touching their face...and I always felt like an idiot. Someone would reach up to brush their hair away from their face? I would quickly grab their hand, and do a silly sort of dance while holding it (always made him laugh and clap, and forget about scratching).

Not my best moments...

[deleted] · 3635 points · Posted at 00:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly, I feel like this just means you're probably good at your job.

parentaccount1143 · 1810 points · Posted at 01:44:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww, thank you. That means a lot.

sadsynths · 75 points · Posted at 05:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, I second the comment above! Thank you so much for everything you do—I used to be a manager at a GameStop, and one of my favorite parts of the week was when one of the caregivers would come in with a van of their special needs adults (like most other GS stores, it was part of a plaza so they would go to each of the stores at once). They’d march in, usually almost single file, and typically talk about how much they loved football with me or war games—and the height of their excitement was usually if one of them decided to buy something, they would get to pay by themselves. The nurse that came in was always so tired (we talked occasionally) but she wore the biggest smile for them all the time. I’ll definitely never forget her. You’re very much loved out here in the world.

parentaccount1143 · 46 points · Posted at 05:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is awesome! I love it when the community is supportive of the men and women in our care! I guaranty, you're appreciated!

I once worked as a caregiver for disabled adults who are capable of independent living. We would be responsible for taking them shopping, to doctor's appointments, helping meal plan, helping clean their house, and of course, activities.

I had a group of guys who I took bowling every week, and it was absolutely the highlight of my week every time. These guys were positively hilarious. They would tease me mercilessly because I was so bad at bowling. Hahaha!

Most of the people who worked there were either annoyed by our presence, or very indifferent, but there was one guy who always made sure to be extra nice to us, and I always really appreciated him.

Some of my best memories for sure.

sadsynths · 14 points · Posted at 07:43:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This warms my heart so much to hear about—and honestly, it sounds like a blast.

Before I had to drop out of school to help take care of my wife (and eventually family), I was studying linguistics after my wife’s niece missed that “window of opportunity” for speech (she had fluid buildup in the ears that the docs caught late) and had developmental delays—naturally occurring, but also in part because of that. Going to her occupational therapy sessions was always really interesting, but seeing how much the folks in there cared for all nature of kids was really something special. It takes a unique spirit, for sure.

Side note, but isn’t it wild how often we just might actually be considered important/impactful in others’ memories—and in the events that shapes their experiences and thoughts on things throughout life? I think about that all the time. Blows me away.

jfcsuperstar · 72 points · Posted at 04:49:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I agree. I hope my parents have a caregiver like you in the future should they need one. So sweet!

parentaccount1143 · 46 points · Posted at 05:36:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reply seriously means so much!!

I wish you and your parents many years of health and happiness!

CSKING444 · 9 points · Posted at 09:25:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 05:07:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you are not a parent, I would go out on a limb and say you would make a good one. If you are, keep being a good parent.

parentaccount1143 · 34 points · Posted at 05:47:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is such a sweet, awesome thing for you to say!

I am lucky enough to be a parent to an amazing 3 year old. In fact, that's why I'm up right now (it's super late) we are celebrating Christmas tomorrow (Work schedules on holidays are complicated. We celebrate when we can.) and I'm so excited to see his face when he realizes Santa came, that I can't sleep!

beagann · 5 points · Posted at 10:16:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the sweetest thing I've read in a while. Hope he and you enjoy Christmas!

far_fig · 7 points · Posted at 04:51:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, wow, you actually were the ah, what do you call it?

happyhealthybaby · 3 points · Posted at 06:59:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m grateful you’re taking such good care of people! We need people like you on Earth. My grandparents had wonderful late life caregivers and it was such a huge blessing!!!

ImgurianForever · 3 points · Posted at 06:19:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you so much for doing your job!!

Kayki7 · 3 points · Posted at 07:03:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you in buffalo by any chance? 😆 you sound exactly like someone I used to work with haha

ANJohnson83 · 2 points · Posted at 16:33:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m not the previous poster, but thank you.

You have an important, underpaid job that is incredibly hard to be good at.

AwesomeGuyAlpha · 1 points · Posted at 10:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
lordg52 · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

as long as you're not pointing out little kid things to adults

imnotsoho · 1 points · Posted at 04:16:31 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plethora.

unique_pervert · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:52 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plethora

MrBadVibesz · 1 points · Posted at 19:35:25 on March 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

I'm very late lol but you sound like your amazing at your job.

Drenb · 18 points · Posted at 06:51:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These stories remind me of a friend who is a delivery driver. I rode along with him one time and he had to make an abrupt stop. He stuck his arm out to prevent me from going forward. I was really impressed how thoughtful he was until I realised it was a conditioned response to prevent food from going everywhere.

Sprockethead · 11 points · Posted at 05:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More than good at your job. I used to thank God when I prayed for my grandfather's caregiver.

parentaccount1143 · 9 points · Posted at 05:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sound like a truly lovely person!!

sometimesiamdead · 154 points · Posted at 03:26:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a PSW and do the same job. I used to work with severely aggressive autistic teen boys. One of the things I'd say over and over again was "personal space" and hold my hand up in front of me to show them they needed to back up.

I did it to someone in line at the grocery store...

jinantonyx · 80 points · Posted at 03:28:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're my hero. I've wanted to do that to someone in line at a grocery but couldn't bring myself to. He was standing way too close while I was trying to swipe my card and enter my PIN.

sometimesiamdead · 37 points · Posted at 03:43:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly if I had of thought about it at all I never would have done it. But I was coming off a 12 hour shift and just on total autopilot.

bearskito · 41 points · Posted at 04:23:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi, welcome to my personal space, what can I get for you

_Not_an_expert_but_ · 3 points · Posted at 09:15:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The rest of the customers in line understand if you need to do this because we can also see when someone is too close to someone else. But also, what if they had a card skimmer in their pocket? (I don't know the range on those things but being up close makes sense to me to make it work better, right?) So best case scenario is that you're teaching an autistic person space. And usually the gut is good at determining if they are or not through interaction.

parentaccount1143 · 2 points · Posted at 05:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh so hard! Oh, that is amazing!!!

Hamos_Dude · 3 points · Posted at 09:32:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahaha I should start doing this

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 16:50:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good. People who do that need to be told lol.

GALACTICA-Actual- · 70 points · Posted at 02:46:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone who used to claw at their arm, the thing that stopped it was my friend doing the same thing subconsciously because his kid had chicken pox and he had to stop them from scratching. Do that a few times, and then have the awkward conversation about why do you do that to yourself, and I’ve effectively stopped unless I’m really stressed or in a bad state.

So thank you. I know he won’t come to the same realization I did, but still. Thank you for what you do.

parentaccount1143 · 13 points · Posted at 05:50:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm super glad you were able to find a way to stop! No matter what the cause, I'm sure it was a challenging, and unpleasant experience.

If for any reason you find that you need to talk to someone, please feel free to inbox me!

Wish you all the best!

Lokifin · 3 points · Posted at 19:44:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my God you are so nice.

whirlpool4 · 56 points · Posted at 00:51:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

at least your intentions are good!

Arctaos · 38 points · Posted at 03:25:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I talk to Caregivers on a daily basis in my job. Caregivers are one of the unsung heros if you ask me. That is a tough job physically and emotionally.

Flyingwheelbarrow · 11 points · Posted at 04:34:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a permanently disabled person you sound like an angel.

parentaccount1143 · 8 points · Posted at 05:51:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This makes me so happy to hear! Thank you so much for taking the time to type such a wonderful message!

lovecraft112 · 12 points · Posted at 06:36:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend once grabbed a little clip on air freshener from the vent in his car and brought it to his face to smell it. Not even thinking, I told him "please don't put that in your mouth."

We're both grown ass adults. God I was embarrassed. Funny story now though.

Juan-Juan-Juanton · 8 points · Posted at 05:01:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I secretly belch when it is just me and the gentleman I care for. It cracks him up! He is far more relaxed when he is laughing and it makes toothbrushing, or changing his shirt a thousand times easier. I then go home and it takes an hour or so for me to remember to quietly burp when I need to. Sorry to my partner and kids!

johndavid0137 · 8 points · Posted at 04:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

100% your best moments, you kind hearted redditor!

piparial · 7 points · Posted at 06:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in the same field. I have an individual that is blind and will stand up regularly just to start walking into things. So at doctors appts or while out in public i just gently sit him back down. More than once while I’m out with my friends, If they stand up to go to the bathroom or fix themselves, I’ll absentmindedly try to sit them back down before realizing that this is not okay to do lol

flurrypuff · 4 points · Posted at 09:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you also have a “caregiver voice?” I worked as an ABA Autism therapist for a while and found myself speaking more loudly and clearly to friends and family. I didn’t even notice it until my sister called me out on it.

trottingtriever · 4 points · Posted at 06:06:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I had someone doing that for me I would definitely be touching my face less and get less acne lol

BloodshotPillow · 4 points · Posted at 11:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the other hand, my fiancee is a part time caregiver and she offers to help me with buttons and my watch at times. The first time she put on my watch it was so fast, I actually didn't notice I was already wearing it. Faster than a blink.

sailfist · 3 points · Posted at 04:57:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These are very best moments... savor your contributions bc they are really valuable.

Throwawayisitcuckold · 3 points · Posted at 06:53:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this to my client as well! She loves to pinch, punch, and slap herself. She finds it very amusing and it triggers seizures. I'm always grabbing her hand and putting it back into her lap. I should try the dance! Her vision is quite impaired so she might not notice every time but I'm sure she would love it.

jayjayprem · 5 points · Posted at 04:07:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's really sweet.

Perrah_Normel · 3 points · Posted at 04:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait a second. When I’m old, and I’m in a nursing home, I’m not gonna be able to touch my own face? I love to scratch my own head... :(

parentaccount1143 · 5 points · Posted at 05:52:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That won't be a problem! Not unless you pose a serious threat to yourself while scratching. :)

bicanidae · 2 points · Posted at 07:05:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually, I would be super charmed if you did this as my friend. Reflexive care giving? They sound like pretty great moments to me...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:16:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These are your best moments. If my friend did that it would remind me they’re a hero to someone

bewareofmeg · 2 points · Posted at 21:33:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a caregiver for my grandmother after she'd had multiple strokes. There are two things I still do instinctually, despite her having passed four years ago: 1) I immediately pick up anything that's been dropped. My grandma used to drop so many things and then ask me to get them that anytime I heard something hit the floor I'd just jump to pick it up. This is starting to fade now that I have an 8-month-old baby... 2) I finish sentences if someone is taking a bit too long to find their words. My grandma had lots of trouble remembering certain words sometimes, so I'd assist her by trying to finish her sentences for her (and got pretty good at it, too). Unfortunately that is not a welcomed skill outside of stroke patients. Lol

Hythy · 2 points · Posted at 21:43:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am ashamed to admit that I would make a terrible carer. I lack the patience and kindness that people like you have in droves.

Seeing you guys at work fills me with so much admiration, more so than other things I lack an aptitude in (like athletics or science).

I wish society would get its act together and treat you with the respect that you deserve, and compensate you appropriately for the hard work that is beyond the abilities of most of the rest of us.

Carers are the unsung (and underpaid) heroes of the world.

Dlj529 · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not a caregiver but I do a similar thing with my gf because she always bites her nails

parentaccount1143 · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is adorable!

RatTeeth · 1 points · Posted at 06:52:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

u/heckinglost has informed me that my comment is unnecessary by implying that I should wish to delete it. Which I have. Not wanting his reply to be without context, I have chosen to replace my useless comment with this explanation.

_Not_an_expert_but_ · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't care. As a 33 year old, I can only hope to receive the care you provide when I'm at the golden, ripe age. BUT ALSO, your mistakes are endearing and only enhance the social setting, providing bonding moments. BUT... ALSO... maybe overthinking that past sentence might help you not do it accidentally? Or make you self conscience that you do it (set up bonding moments) more knowing that, so you think, "what a sham I am." Let me know if that helps you kick the habit. Idk. What do I know?

I think it's cute though. And shows how observant and thoughtful you are. One day you'll meet someone who appreciates those qualities. So why that guy didn't ask you to marry him since you would take care of him, is beyond me.

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 11:36:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the bright side you have given me new faith in hospice care.

SuddenTerrible_Haiku · 1 points · Posted at 14:48:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I... sort of want someone to do that to me randomly. It just sounds like it would make my day lmao

TrueDove · 1 points · Posted at 14:52:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for doing what you do! It takes patience and a kind soul.

DratThePopulation · 1 points · Posted at 17:29:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That parentheses addition warmed my heart so much that I teared up.

You're a wonderful person and you make such a wonderful impact on the beautiful people you care for. Both your clients and your friends.

Never lose that.

poup_soup_boogie · 13 points · Posted at 04:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi another caregiver! I don't meet a lot of us!

SharonaZamboni · 9 points · Posted at 04:20:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi! 34 years so far.

hat-of-sky · 11 points · Posted at 06:55:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's an old joke about a stay-at-home mom who was very nervous about meeting the President. ( Not the clown we have now, someone impressive.) She wound up seated next to him at a State Dinner. She managed to hold an intelligent and comprehensive conversation with him and was feeling a little more confident, when she suddenly realized she had just cut his entire steak into bite-sized pieces.

OutgrownShell · 2 points · Posted at 17:50:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I automatically ask everyone if they washwd their hands...sometimes I remind them to wipe their butts.

Its been 3 years so far. Lol

Zapp---Brannigan · 1 points · Posted at 17:46:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been a caregiver for two months and I honestly don’t think I’m cut out for it. At all. It makes me sad, I can’t find anything I love.

[deleted] · 1942 points · Posted at 23:39:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, how did he take it?

parentaccount1143 · 2927 points · Posted at 00:04:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He knew what I did for a living, and laughed it off.

ItsRobbyy · 223 points · Posted at 03:09:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good guy, Date.

sithdude24 · 57 points · Posted at 04:38:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good date, guy.

Blame_410 · 45 points · Posted at 04:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Date good, guy.

Blame_410 · 21 points · Posted at 04:39:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Date good, guy.

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 04:41:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Date, good guy.

[deleted] · 26 points · Posted at 04:50:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 29 points · Posted at 05:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

colebino · 17 points · Posted at 07:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A, guy toed god.

digitalmofo · 3 points · Posted at 08:15:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goe; d ot ya ug

PM_ME_YOUR_TORNADOS · 2 points · Posted at 08:15:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
ssk_-_ · 1 points · Posted at 10:07:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Alright, somebody needs some serious care.

IAmA_Risky_Click_AMA · 16 points · Posted at 05:32:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How was the second date?

Theyvad · 21 points · Posted at 08:06:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She’s on reddit, she’s either happily married with seventeen kids, or is lonely and sad just like us but is 89 and a widow

Wheredoesthetoastgo2 · 13 points · Posted at 06:39:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

well, i mean, if a woman is offering to give you a shave, you take it

crunkadocious · 6 points · Posted at 06:58:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instant hard on

ALittleFoxxy · 114 points · Posted at 00:52:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been a caregiver for 5 months now. I come home sometimes and start thinking of everything my boyfriend will need help with that shift. Yesterday I had to stop myself from asking if he needed help to the bathroom lol

parentaccount1143 · 35 points · Posted at 01:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's adorable!!

jessio · 109 points · Posted at 01:03:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this. I have one client I do laundry for, and he loves to smell the dryer sheets. So I always throw one in my pocket in the laundry room if it still has smells after it's used. Guess how many times I've done that in my own home? And proceeded to give the dryer sheet to my boyfriend...

parentaccount1143 · 48 points · Posted at 01:45:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha!

Does he look at you like you've lost your mind?

jessio · 40 points · Posted at 02:38:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least twice a day.

celluj34 · 12 points · Posted at 04:12:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww

[deleted] · 80 points · Posted at 02:27:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

parentaccount1143 · 10 points · Posted at 05:53:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww :)

Sometimes it's easy to get a little caught up in habits! Poor you, though! That sounds unpleasant.

[deleted] · 60 points · Posted at 02:34:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

notgayinathreeway · 21 points · Posted at 06:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My client plays UNO with me every day. He never curses, he says things like "oh sugar" but one day I called UNO and he tried to be sneaky and see what card I had, so I leaned it towards him a bit to let him see, and he saw I had a draw 4 card meaning I had a guaranteed win.

He just casually looked over at it and in the middle of a barnes and noble yelled "OH.... sshhhiiit."

It's the little moments like that which make my job worth all of the frustrations.

When I told my previous client that I had to move and couldn't see him anymore he said "WELL I'M MOVING TOO!" and is apparently still trying to convince people that he needs to pack his bags because he's moving.

ohithisismyname · 5 points · Posted at 13:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in direct care at a day program for adults with intellectual disabilities and gosh, this post/story makes me miss it. I only left because my son was born and we moved a bit too far. They made me laugh daily and it was SO rewarding.

notgayinathreeway · 2 points · Posted at 13:26:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You could get back to it when he's in school. Do the same hours as his school

ohithisismyname · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:04 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually have a completely unrelated business that I started since then. I do volunteer with kids with autism/disabilities now, though. Still rewarding, just not as frequent!

parentaccount1143 · 6 points · Posted at 05:54:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha! This made me giggle! Thank you for sharing that story!!

Have you ever made the same slip up while playing with larger groups?

pderf · 36 points · Posted at 01:56:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I were single and you liked me enough, I would totally go on a date with you. You sound like someone who would be very caring.

parentaccount1143 · 21 points · Posted at 02:03:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha! That's sweet!

poup_soup_boogie · 37 points · Posted at 04:09:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I talk in a specific voice for each of my clients animals and I call her dog Tootsie roll and other funny foods. Accidentally called husband Lil Tootsie Roll in t h e v o i c e and told him he's a smelly pot roast. He shook his head at me and told me to go to bed.

DirtyyyWork · 15 points · Posted at 04:30:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Smelly pot roast?! 😂 I have crazy nicknames for my dogs but thats great!

MutantAussie · 34 points · Posted at 04:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also work in disability currently.

Often for an hour or so after a shift I talk to people as of they have a disability. My mum will say she had nachos for dinner and I'm like "Awww you like nachos, don't you mum!?"

wildmeli · 31 points · Posted at 04:44:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a caregiver in an assisted living facility. One night my boyfriend and I were about to go to bed and he was sitting up on the side of the bed. Next thing I know I grabbed his legs and back, layed him down, and tucked him in. He just let it happen and was so confused. I didn't realized "hey I shouldn't be doing this" until after I was done 😂

jewisha · 21 points · Posted at 01:48:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oddly wholesome

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 06:25:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My two best friends are a gay couple and caregivers. They're always fixing be my collar and shit. I've also become a much better dresser because they always give sincere compliments and I don't care if it's from another guy, being told you look good is really uplifting.

geared4war · 7 points · Posted at 01:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! I would have loved to have seen his face after that.

electricsign · 7 points · Posted at 04:28:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I somehow read this and automatically combined parts of your sentence to get “shaving their buttholes” and was wondering how common of a daily activity that was

Bumble-Bach · 6 points · Posted at 08:59:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a piano teacher and I've found myself teaching people when they don't need or want it it. My husband was playing guitar recently and I found myself sitting next to him and saying 'good, well done, why don't you go back to the beginning of the bar?' etc. I can't even play guitar! Or I was at a friend's house recently and she was playing the keyboard, and I started telling her that she shouldn't be playing inversion chords unless specified. I felt really embarrassed as soon as I told her, and was too embarrassed to apologise.

sprucay · 6 points · Posted at 06:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife is a teacher, sometimes she accidently uses her teacher Voice on me. It cracks me up

hhHolmes09 · 4 points · Posted at 15:46:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep asking friends and family if fhey "need to go potty?" My boyfriends 12 year old only finds it mildly mortifying in public.

Eliiijaaaaah · 3 points · Posted at 05:02:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would really appreciate that kind of openness!

Chefgir1 · 3 points · Posted at 15:44:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a care giver as well, one of my deeply autistic clients suffers from anxiety as well, and repeating everything she says calms her down. This can go on for my entire shift. I get home and start calmly repeating everything my family says.

chumly143 · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

idk why, but I get the distinct impression that your British

Mello_velo · 2 points · Posted at 13:15:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The ultimate power play

oohshitwaddup · 3 points · Posted at 05:40:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hila?

bexboop · 5 points · Posted at 08:38:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Papa bless

parentaccount1143 · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If that's someone's name, then nope :)

If not, I'm sorry, but I didn't understand. :)

SledHead600 · 2 points · Posted at 04:52:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can I ask how much you made ? I own homes in your field and no exactly what your talking about , Getting clobbered right now when it comes to staff due to big corporate and minimum wage being so high

parentaccount1143 · 7 points · Posted at 06:01:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi there!

Where I live, minimum wage is 7.25/hr.

In hospice I made $13, (I wasn't cut out for that kind of work. I have endless respect for the men and women who come in every day and pour their hearts and souls into each one of their clients, but I was having nightmares about losing them, and eventually left.)

As a caregiver for adults with disabilities that were minor enough that they could maintain independent living situations and just required some assistance with cleaning, cooking, and appointments, I made $11/hr plus $0.28 a mile in travel.

As a caregiver in a home for adults with disabilities that required round the clock care, I made $11/hr, no mileage reimbursement (took clients to work and day programs every morning) and $7.25 during sleeping hours. So, a typical shift would be 2pm-10pm at 11/hr, or 10pm-6am at $7.25/hr, and 6am-8am at $11/hr.

geekocracy · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

10/10 would date

Vezur · 1 points · Posted at 08:03:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Merry Christmas, wish you all the best! :)

SamFlume · 1 points · Posted at 10:37:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, I work with a challenging young client. I tend to not give in when having disagreements now

sageymae · 1 points · Posted at 10:47:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm in the same job. I'm forever asking strangers 'whats the magic word?' Haha

Th3CatOfDoom · 1 points · Posted at 11:07:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did he say yes?

ThePfhor · 1 points · Posted at 11:13:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was his reaction?

u38cg2 · 1 points · Posted at 12:28:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

14/10 would date again

ANJohnson83 · 1 points · Posted at 16:31:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school, my mom once told me not to pick up a piece of candy off the floor at the mall.

She had a daycare and was so used to reminding the kiddos not to do similar things, she forgot she was with me.

Rubber-Ducker · 1 points · Posted at 17:43:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a carer and I get this

TobiasMasonPark · 0 points · Posted at 15:21:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Wait. Back up. Do you think I’m retarted?”

CatHerder237 · 13477 points · Posted at 21:50:12 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the railroad, you can get verbal permission to pass a red signal or flag, either from the dispatcher or the employee who placed the red flag. You cannot under any circumstances pass a BLUE light or flag, because that protects employees working on/under/between rolling stock beyond the blue signal.

Driving home in the car late one night, I decided to take a shortcut through the local university. I go around a corner and see a blue light marking a police call station.

Immediate conclusion: “Shit, can’t go that way.”

disturbedrailroader · 2902 points · Posted at 23:17:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad I'm not alone. I've done this driving through the UIC campus on my way to work at least once a month.

guitargirlmolly · 114 points · Posted at 23:55:12 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whatsup neighbor

disturbedrailroader · 104 points · Posted at 23:56:39 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Chicago represent!

malikj98 · 58 points · Posted at 01:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ayyy, there's dozens of us

blobertthebob · 36 points · Posted at 01:29:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't leave me out!

voluptuousshmutz · 35 points · Posted at 01:37:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You aren't left out.

plsnotjames · 40 points · Posted at 01:46:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get so excited when I encounter Chicago neighbors outside the sub!

TheKappp · 24 points · Posted at 01:51:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too!

kmn19999 · 21 points · Posted at 02:02:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey boys

TheKappp · 6 points · Posted at 02:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sup lady!

jasonjanak · 8 points · Posted at 02:19:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

WHAT UP! CHI TOWN REPRESENT!

RadRac · 3 points · Posted at 05:35:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sweet home, Chicago

MillyTheGreat · 4 points · Posted at 02:48:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey friends!

BigBlue923 · 4 points · Posted at 03:02:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

From the hood!

DrHaggans · 2 points · Posted at 06:20:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oi

TheineandTheobromine · 1 points · Posted at 11:02:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi!

kane2742 · 20 points · Posted at 01:56:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Probably more than that. Chicago's a pretty big city. (I don't live there, but I have been to UIC a few times for academic competitions in high school, coming from a school in rural central Illinois.)

Edit: A letter.

MillyTheGreat · 12 points · Posted at 02:49:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey neighbor! I also went to school in rural central Illinois!

kane2742 · 11 points · Posted at 03:12:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ayyy, there's dozens of us.

MillyTheGreat · 14 points · Posted at 03:14:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally dozens!

TinyBlueStars · 14 points · Posted at 03:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you graduated with me, there's literally exactly 49 of us.

MillyTheGreat · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope. Not the same school. Darn it.

kane2742 · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

AKA 4.08333... dozen.

aimeeeeeee12 · 4 points · Posted at 04:59:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, me too!

MillyTheGreat · 3 points · Posted at 05:15:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice! Like I said, literally DOZENS of us!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 08:38:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Best city in the US. Change my mind 😎

seeasea · 22 points · Posted at 02:00:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A disturbed railroader?

Metra or L?

Must be the orange line

disturbedrailroader · 31 points · Posted at 02:17:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol no. A freight railroad actually. Have you heard of BNSF?

seeasea · 24 points · Posted at 02:53:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sure. All trains run through joliet

disturbedrailroader · 15 points · Posted at 03:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's the one I work for. Matter of fact, there's a small yet critical yard of ours just off river.

Learntoswim86 · 8 points · Posted at 03:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You ever make it to lacrosse

disturbedrailroader · 7 points · Posted at 03:43:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah. I was stationed there twice about 4 years ago for about 3-4 months each time. It's a beautiful town.

Learntoswim86 · 9 points · Posted at 03:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe we've worked together. I'm in our short pool now so I only go to the cities

disturbedrailroader · 9 points · Posted at 03:48:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We probably have. I was forced up there fresh out of engineer class. I really did like it up there and was considering staying but my wife had other ideas lol.

Learntoswim86 · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh possibly, I piloted a couple of you guys that got forced. Also went through the program with Cano and Chapman

disturbedrailroader · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh OK. I think I met Cano. I'm Rodriguez. Possibly the only one in the division lol

allig4torsprobably · 5 points · Posted at 05:55:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BNSF BABY!

supercore97 · 3 points · Posted at 08:02:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Union Pacific is better

supercore97 · 3 points · Posted at 07:59:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

UP>BNSF

disturbedrailroader · 3 points · Posted at 13:40:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I'm not so sure... The handful of guys we have formerly from the UP would disagree. Then of course there's the pay difference.

supercore97 · 2 points · Posted at 22:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk, I was a conductor for 2 years for BNSF and when I was actually working i made good money, but out of that 2 years I only actually worked 8 months because I kept getting furloughed. Been working Maintaince-of-way for UP for 4 years now and never been laid off.

disturbedrailroader · 2 points · Posted at 23:16:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I hired on during that sweet spot in between economy crashes. I got lucky and was never furloughed. By the time that particular f word started showing its ugly head, I had enough seniority to hold it at bay. Barely. I was in the bottom 5 for about a year before people started coming back.

supercore97 · 2 points · Posted at 00:06:54 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, that dirty word is peaking its head out the water again for me because of UP's "Unified plan 2020." Who knows I may looking for job a bnsf soon lol

disturbedrailroader · 2 points · Posted at 00:23:37 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

We'd be happy to have you, brother. Who knows, maybe your MOW experience will be a boon to get you hired sooner.

supercore97 · 2 points · Posted at 00:41:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well if worst comes to to worst I hope so lol. Railroading is all I know. Anyways be safe out there brotha!

disturbedrailroader · 2 points · Posted at 01:01:16 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Will do, bro. Same to you.

atlamarksman · 7 points · Posted at 01:57:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Relevant username holy shit

TheKappp · 3 points · Posted at 01:51:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yoooo sort of neighbor!

CatHerder237 · 2 points · Posted at 09:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha awesome.... none of the guys at my railroad would admit to it.

SciviasKnows · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out, in all respects.

Disrupti · 0 points · Posted at 07:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The fucking blue emergency phone lights

phantombumblebee · 120 points · Posted at 00:24:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was prepared for this to go horribly wrong.

silphred43 · 16 points · Posted at 05:02:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was expecting him to try to call for pass at danger on a red light.

thecftbl · 70 points · Posted at 00:20:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's like air horns for me. I have worked around rail long enough where if I hear an air horn sound I immediately stop what I'm doing and look around for a flagman

[deleted] · 41 points · Posted at 01:56:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Unique_username1 · 14 points · Posted at 02:55:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Motorcycle riders also wave to each other when passing. I’ve waved to bikers while driving a car, though the typical biker’s wave is with the hand low and doesn’t really work in a car, so I don’t do this too often.

boxjohn · 10 points · Posted at 04:57:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a Prius and a big old American car with a souped up v8 at one point. I'd wave at guys in muscle cars or corvettes or whatever and they just thought I was a jerk in a Prius. I still do it in my mazda3 but it's at least meaningless, not interpreted as hostile or sarcastic.

ItsUncleSam · 4 points · Posted at 03:31:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s the like jeep wave, but not gay

RealSteele · 2 points · Posted at 06:27:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The Jeep wave is gay now? I've only not had my Jeep for a few months now, what happened?

Anticlimactic_Llama · 1 points · Posted at 06:31:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Absolutely nothing. The Jeep wave lives on!

RealSteele · 1 points · Posted at 07:32:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're damn right! God I miss my Jeep.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:40:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Here we nod at each other, which is definitely doable in a car, which means I nod at about every other rider I see when I'm in my car if I'm distracted by some other part of driving.

_msimmo_ · 67 points · Posted at 01:03:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of a story I herd once. A guy wanted a light switch that looked like one of those big round industrial buttons often used for emergency shutdown. His wife was a chemical engineer who was often on off shore oil rigs or other drilling stations; she expressly forbade him from getting one because she didnt want any weird associations with that type of button.

NervousPopcorn · 47 points · Posted at 00:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i have stopped at a red light and reached for my radio sitting on the passenger seat to call for a rule 241... and I’m not even an engineer just a conductor.

PotatoKingIV · 20 points · Posted at 00:44:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m glad this didn’t end with you running a red light.

Tb0neguy · 15 points · Posted at 02:09:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as Campus Security for a private school, and we drive golf carts to get where we need to go, since we need to drive on walkways and between buildings (it's an old school, so there are very few roads, and buildings are very close to each other).

When driving through campus for other errands, I've caught myself too many times trying to drive my car through a walkway or between buildings.

thecloserocks · 14 points · Posted at 01:29:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Until now I never understood the line in Love in Vain where Robert Johnson sings:

"When the train left the station with two lights on behind Well the blue light was my blues and the red light was my mind"

Strangely, as I was reading your comment Robert Johnson came on the radio.

isanass · 8 points · Posted at 04:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Strangely, as I was reading your comment Robert Johnson came on the radio.

As the red and blue lights twinkled and faded away into the distance, a pondering of the situations and circumstances arise. A moment of thought, consideration of coincidence, or an encounter of happenstance come as conclusions but fall short. That is, until the fog clears and vividly illustrates how these interconnected series of occurances can only take course in the twilight zone.

Wolfie437 · 11 points · Posted at 01:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Better that you’re always on alert for blue lights then not being alert when you need to be. Unless there’s a guy who pulls a lever to save 5 workers instead sacrificing 1 or a fat person to push infront of the train.

vonMishka · 11 points · Posted at 07:00:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of something that I did years ago. Changing modes of transportation can mess you up.

When I was 17, I was working on my pilot’s license after only having my driver’s license for a year. One day, I finished the flight lesson then drove home. I realized that I was driving down the middle of the two lane road (rural road). When you are taxiing in a plane, the yellow line is where you point the middle of the plane so that your wings don’t hit anything. In a car, not so much.

Trucker_with_a_cat · 6 points · Posted at 12:38:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've reached for my CB mic at stop signs where you can only go left or right because I felt like I'm holding short. I've tried to press nonexistent buttons on my steering wheel too.

peanutthecacti · 9 points · Posted at 07:30:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I momentarily started panicking tonight on the drive home when I saw a car pass traffic light and the light stayed at green. I was thinking it was a signal that had failed to go to red with the passage of a train. Then I remembered I was on the road and not the railway and multiple cars are allowed on the same bit of road.

I also occasionally raise an arm to acknowledge train horns when at stations as a passenger. That gets some strange looks.

kairikngdm · 8 points · Posted at 03:31:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm learning so much about trains.

LaBandaRoja · 14 points · Posted at 00:27:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were they colorblind or high when they determined that blue means danger but red means warning? (Is blue is worse than red)

Reset1839 · 55 points · Posted at 00:39:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Red means stop, and all your other typical traffic light colors were already taken for basically the same meanings: green is clear, yellow is approach(ing a red at next light so slow down). They needed a new one for mechanical departments lockout-tagout "tags" hence blue.

LaBandaRoja · 16 points · Posted at 00:40:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks, that makes sense.

06_obxt · 7 points · Posted at 01:45:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m glad you pay attention to blues. I’ve had my flag pulled when having to work on live loading tracks because of pure negligence.

CatHerder237 · 5 points · Posted at 08:56:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How does that even happen? Did the person think it was their own blue that they forgot to pull earlier?

06_obxt · 1 points · Posted at 21:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, more stupidity than that unfortunately. The loading crew decided to pull the flag so they could hump a car down the track to make way for another car they needed to load. Didn’t ask me or say anything. I was just working and all of a sudden a nice little bump. Didn’t get hurt or anything but I was pissed. Wounding have been a problem to move cars if they had asked me, I could jumped off for a few but yeah. They just moved it and then put my flag back in front of it like nothing happened.

dfhsevd · 6 points · Posted at 06:01:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ex railworker here. I to have done the same thing. The worst thing iv done was get out my truck at a McDonald's , grab my hard hat and walk to the back tire yo the a piss. ... At that moment I knew I was working to much.

TheBeerMonkey · 6 points · Posted at 04:27:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife cross calls traffic lights for me now.

TDIfan241 · 11 points · Posted at 00:33:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving home once really late at night and stopped at green light cause I thought it was red. I was looking at the turn light that was red

TrueRusher · 5 points · Posted at 05:19:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was driving straight on a road I normally turn left at. The turning arrow was red as the light turned green, but since I always turn left my brain was like “can’t go yet.”

Took me a second to realize I was a fucking moron.

This also happened with the lights flipped. I was going straight on a different road that I usually turn left at, and the turning arrow turned green while my light was still red. My brain went “green arrow time to go” and I just ran my red light and drove straight through the intersection. Luckily there were no cars though.

cleardiddion · 4 points · Posted at 14:19:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right after I got my engine card we went out on the town to celebrate the occasion.

Ended up driving by a fire station that has one of those traffic lights that activates when they're opening the doors which happened to be off at the time.

Well, I saw that blank light, slammed the brakes with the wife asking me what the hell was going on.

"It's a dark signal...oh...wait..."

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:30:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

well im glad you didnt see a red light and think “yeah i can go through this intersection, its fine”

TheMiniLiar · 2 points · Posted at 01:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahh the blue light system

Finetales · 2 points · Posted at 04:31:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's cool, as a railfan I've never seen a blue signal before.

peterpiperpicks · 4 points · Posted at 05:07:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blue isnt a signal that you'd ever see on a mast, just blue flags and lights (at least in Canada)

apaulo26 · 2 points · Posted at 05:21:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or stop and proceed at a red light

CatHerder237 · 2 points · Posted at 08:52:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a number plate. I don’t see the problem here.

nascentia · 2 points · Posted at 07:37:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you at least remember to restore the officers derail before you drove home?

CatHerder237 · 2 points · Posted at 09:09:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Must have, or I would have gotten several phone calls...

PM_ME_YOUR_TORNADOS · 2 points · Posted at 08:13:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this whenever I see any cops

Trigonix · 2 points · Posted at 10:03:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you working in the us? If yes, why do you need to blow your horn when you are advancing to a level crossing? Isn’t it annoying for the people who live there or are US Train horns quieter than German ones? Because if you hear one in Germany it can be miles away and you know someone is one the tracks or something bad is going to happen...

gd2234 · 1 points · Posted at 16:04:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay, so 1) America has a lot of commuter trains in larger areas. Lots of these trains go over tracks in residential areas. Some train lines (the entire track) require the horn to be blown at every crossing. Some towns also make laws so you don’t have trains on their horn at every crossing. 2) we also have hella freight trains. These usually go through slightly more rural areas, but can also go on main lines too. With these trains it’s generally the same as commuter trains, blare the horn before a crossing unless there’s a law in the town saying you can’t do that.

So, blaring the horn can either mean “gtfo the tracks” or “hey it’s me, a train, don’t think about going on those tracks. And yes, trains in America are loud as fuck, too loud imo.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:36:47 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t imagine it’s any quieter here, and yeah I can easily hear the local train track at all hours blaring it’s horn but it’s something I’m completely used to so it doesn’t really bother me.

Trucker_with_a_cat · 2 points · Posted at 12:40:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That mini heart attack when I see a bridge lower than 13' 6" or a NO TRUCKS sign and I'm in a Subaru.

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 17:03:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever tried to get verbal permission to run a red light?

CatHerder237 · 1 points · Posted at 22:08:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No... I have almost run one by looking at the street sign and thinking “oh, there’s a number plate - stop and proceed!”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 19:18:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tbh it's better than assuming "Police Station, go ahead" when you see a blue flag marking workers

SmallTownJerseyBoy · 1 points · Posted at 17:37:43 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're lucky. I dream of working the railroad :/

CatHerder237 · 1 points · Posted at 21:05:28 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you’re willing to move, BNSF frequently offers thousands of dollars as a signing bonus in Minot ND. Shortline and tourist railroads can also be a relatively low-stress way to get a start in the industry.

1225Forrest · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Come work for a short line, where most of those rules are mostly just suggestions. I'm kidding of course, but it's a lot more layed back, at least for a handful of the guys I work with.

[deleted] · -2 points · Posted at 02:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

JanitorMaster · 3 points · Posted at 02:51:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trains are still a thing

optcynsejo · 33163 points · Posted at 22:12:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed an apple at the sink. Dried it with a paper towel. Turned and tossed the apple in the trash and stood there holding the towel like an idiot.

[deleted] · 14289 points · Posted at 22:14:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have thrown away ceramic plates more times than I care to admit

screaminginfidels · 189 points · Posted at 02:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got home from a long and stressful day, heated up some food in the microwave, took the plate out, and promptly threw the whole thing in the trash. I sat there and cried on the floor for a minute.

inscrutablycoy · 68 points · Posted at 02:28:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:( I feel sad for you and your food.

screaminginfidels · 43 points · Posted at 03:36:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

if it makes you feel any better I am still alive. thanks.

DostThowEvenLift2 · 13 points · Posted at 09:11:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day that food will come back and end your living streak. Now's not the time to brag about being alive, that only makes the food angier.

TheBatisRobin · 11 points · Posted at 05:24:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the bright side, I found your past suffering hilarious. Partly because I've totally done similar things, but also just because it is actually pretty hilarious. I lost my shit for a good 60 seconds. Then I continued my shit much more awkwardly because I was just cackling my ass off in a bathroom stall.

screaminginfidels · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh totally, I've done similar things and laughed my ass off at myself. That day it was just the final straw!

Ry-Bread01256 · -71 points · Posted at 02:52:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sat there and cried on the floor for a minute.

Jeez talk about over-dramatic...

[deleted] · 38 points · Posted at 03:27:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey sometimes you just need to unwind with a good, long cry on the kitchen floor.

Lady_Kel · 38 points · Posted at 03:43:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you miss the 'long and stressful day' part or something? It obviously wasn't just about the food ffs.

avanross · 7 points · Posted at 05:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yah! Crying is for girls!

Ry-Bread01256 · -13 points · Posted at 06:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I never said that though lol

Villa-Strangiato · 975 points · Posted at 00:26:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ooof.

I can hear my mother getting pissed off at this comment.

[deleted] · 157 points · Posted at 00:44:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh shit, don't tell my mother. I'm a fan of living

[deleted] · 40 points · Posted at 02:34:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

3ViceAndreas · 30 points · Posted at 02:58:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't worry I already told your mother

Aztec_Reaper · 34 points · Posted at 03:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah shit. I hear las chancletas doing their pre-flight checks. We're fucked, there's no way we're dodging this bombing run.

WasabiChickpea · 4 points · Posted at 06:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP all of us!

gunswordfist · 24 points · Posted at 02:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've held so many hot plates and made sure they made it safely to a counter just because I did NOT want to hear my grandma scream at me, burnt hands be damned. lol

JayRod_DM · 29 points · Posted at 00:46:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can hear my mother throwing away ceramic plates

silphred43 · 4 points · Posted at 04:55:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bet it sounds like this

Villa-Strangiato · 7 points · Posted at 05:04:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Closer to the Kill Bill sirens, knowing my mother.

projectb223 · 57 points · Posted at 02:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got off my second 12 hour shift in two days, got home, went to the kitchen, opened a box of macaroni and cheese, pulled the cheese packet out, and then proceeded to dump the macaroni into the garbage before I went back to the pot and spent a few minutes trying to remember the next step.

CatLineMeow · 15 points · Posted at 04:09:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've spaced while making boxed mac'n'cheese and put the noodles into cold water. That's more salvageable than pouring them into the trash tho...

efreak2004 · 3 points · Posted at 05:03:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As long as you don't forget the water when making pasta...

bmeupsctty · 56 points · Posted at 00:56:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For me it's always forks

LurkmasterP · 29 points · Posted at 02:53:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm 70% sure this is why I'm missing 1 steak knife, 1 salad fork, 1 soup spoon and 1 teaspoon. Like 80% sure.

EnkoNeko · 4 points · Posted at 05:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a Hobbit living in your attic and they needed a set of silverware

Kermit_The_Rouge · 6 points · Posted at 03:52:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a fork for salads?

jackattack86 · 10 points · Posted at 04:15:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a fork for cakes, so why the hell not lol

voyager_tom · 109 points · Posted at 02:56:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For me, it was throwing away a customer’s order right in front of them.

puts deli meat in a bag then puts on price tag

Me: Alright, you have a nice day!

drops the bag with deli meat into the trash can

Me: stares

Customer: stares

Me: Oh my god.

iamthepixie · 31 points · Posted at 04:29:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m cry laughing at this lol

DonQuishot · 12 points · Posted at 06:28:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

holy shit im in tears ffs

Nardelan · 33 points · Posted at 03:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a friend who was mysteriously missing silverware and couldn’t figure out why. Turned out his kids were throwing them away when they were done with them.

pewpew__peew · 16 points · Posted at 04:52:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mine threw away their spoons for some god forsaken reason. Not the forks or knives, only spoons. God help me.

madamelifeguard · 8 points · Posted at 05:46:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have a friend who thought his spoons were magically growing because all he had were big spoons. Turns out the regular size spoons had fallen to the bottom of the dishwasher and he just didn't realize it. 😐

horsebag · 24 points · Posted at 00:53:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Easier than washing them!

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 00:56:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's why I usually use paper

hdcs · 23 points · Posted at 02:27:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have thrown away a cordless phone.

jiminiminimini · 15 points · Posted at 02:31:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

once I have kept the receipt and thrown away the change.

iamthepixie · 4 points · Posted at 04:29:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this more than I’d like to admit

efreak2004 · 2 points · Posted at 05:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to see this at school all the time. People would put their change on their tray, and not pick it up before dumping the trash.

smackofjellyfishy · 10 points · Posted at 02:27:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throwing paper product in the bin and holding onto the receipt Or when younger throwing freshly opened chewing gum in the bin then nearly eating the wrapper..

duffman12 · 12 points · Posted at 03:22:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I honestly have no idea how I’ve gone entire life without microwaving a metal utensil.

iamthepixie · 2 points · Posted at 04:31:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this.

TheBatisRobin · 3 points · Posted at 06:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Id imagine a fork could be impressive but i dunno about a spoon or knife. What was it and what was it like?

plexxonic · 13 points · Posted at 03:32:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opened a can of ravioli today and immediately threw it in the trash.

At least I got to lick the lid afterwards.

EveViol3T · 5 points · Posted at 04:07:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus Ricky at least eat the raviolis

Picnicfixins · 5 points · Posted at 05:26:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These sorts of switch arounds happen to me a lot when I’ve attended parties and found myself trying to smoke a drink or drink a water pipe

plexxonic · 2 points · Posted at 05:33:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to chew tobacco and smoke.

The water pipe part reminded me of when I took a drink out of my spit/ash can.

Dude I honestly think I'm going to puke now.

iamthepixie · 3 points · Posted at 04:31:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I LOVE that classic Chef boyardee canned ravioli ! Reading your comment made me very depressed that it’s in the trash :(

plexxonic · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, it sucked.

Violetsmommy · 10 points · Posted at 04:08:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At one of my previous jobs, I went to lunch pretty frequently with my coworkers at a place that served the food in little plastic baskets lined with paper. After you finish, you just dump the basket over the garbage and put the baskets in a stack above the trash.

One day, I accidentally threw the basket into the trash. I was so embarrassed and trying to get it out without sticking my hand fully into the trash, and my coworker behind me was laughing way harder than the situation called for. Finally I get it out and she’s still laughing, and says “Why get it out today? You throw the basket in there every time we come here!” I was like no way, I do not! All of my coworkers at that point were nodding and said, “Yes, Violetsmommy, you do throw it away every time.” I am still pissed that no one bothered to tell me until that day. Were they just going to let me do it forever? I felt so terrible that I was either wasting baskets or making some poor employee have to dig them out.

TheBatisRobin · 2 points · Posted at 06:52:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait what? You knew, and then did it anyway without noticing every time on accident? At that point thats just impressive. Also, given all that, im also surprised you noticed that one time given your previous track record.

Violetsmommy · 3 points · Posted at 09:16:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am still baffled by it. I definitely knew that we were not supposed to throw them away from previous visits to this place years before I started going with my coworkers, but I had never really given it any thought when going back I guess? Part of me still wants to believe they were just fucking with me and I was not really that oblivious and rude!

Chasier95 · 9 points · Posted at 02:00:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And socks into the trashbin

floatingwithobrien · 8 points · Posted at 01:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

....sir.

i-Am-Divine · 8 points · Posted at 02:45:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plates, forks, spoons, basically all of my eating utensils have absentmindedly been tossed in the trash at some point or another. My family makes fun of me for it all the time.

ctn0726 · 7 points · Posted at 02:37:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh that’s the worst. I one time dumped the food off the plate into the sink then threw the plate into the trash.

LOUCIFER_315 · 3 points · Posted at 02:32:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forks. Then I have to dig it out of the bottom of the trash

PickledPixels · 3 points · Posted at 03:04:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've thrown away the plastic trays at McDonald's more times than I care to admit

goodnamesaretaken0 · 3 points · Posted at 06:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've thrown my car keys away and proceeded to try and unlock my car with an empty McDonalds bag.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:28:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you get the keys back?

goodnamesaretaken0 · 2 points · Posted at 06:30:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After scavenging through the trash for like 10 minutes. Needless to say, I kept the keys and lanyard with all the shit on it, cause highschool me thought it added character.

mus_maximus · 3 points · Posted at 06:31:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My thing seems to be cracking eggs directly into the sink.

DeadDollKitty · 2 points · Posted at 03:00:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mines always been spoons.

duffman12 · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I honestly have no idea how I’ve gone my entire life without microwaving a metal utensil.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:25:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Occasionally I find myself trying to put my socks and underwear into the trash bin instead of the laundry basket.

Maybe it’s my natural instinct that it belongs there.

CWM_93 · 2 points · Posted at 07:41:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do this! After school, I'd have a snack and take it into the living room. I'd take off my shoes and socks while eating said snack, put my shoes in the hallway, then dispose of the socks in the kitchen bin, and find myself at the laundry basket with an empty crisp packet or apple core and go "Hang on..."

WasabiChickpea · 2 points · Posted at 06:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Utensils for me.

paintedpixel · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep losing forks like this

gwaydms · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've thrown away flatware and plates. Not permanently thank God

nervousautopsy · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ashes to ashes

Pre-Owned-Car · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the whole tray in the garbage at a fast food place once. I just shamefully left.

gghyyghhgf · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spoon and forks 🍴, spoon and forks for me

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yea sometimes I throw all my dishes away. I then I sit there for 5 seconds and snap out of it

cool_cloud · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We ate a lot of pudding and yogurt cups as kids and we would toss the small spoons in the trash more than I care to admit. My mom was always buying new spoons wondering why they disappearing.

CatLineMeow · 3 points · Posted at 04:25:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bought some silicone muffin/cupcake liners hoping to avoid using the paper ones, and make cleaning up my muffin pans faster/easier. My boyfriend cannot seem to wrap his mind around the concept of reusable muffin liners so he is constantly throwing them out and I'm always 1 or 2 short for a recipe.

Tough_Connection · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the same with eggs

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that when I was a little kid. My mom was trying to teach us to clean up after ourselves after dinner and I tossed the last bits of food in the sink and threw the plate and silverware in the trash because I was so zoned out. She got mad at me thinking it was my form of protest.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often chuck silverware as well. Especially when I'm eating something like a yogurt cup, instead of throwing away the cup and tossing the spoon in the sink, I often flip that.

Atomiclmt · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

!redditsilv3r

pupilofproductivity · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After rinsing the water with soap?

HansDeBaconOva · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife's parents have thrown away most of our silverware. They empty their plates into the trash. Ive witnessed it a couple of times. But when your original set of 12 has significant variance between the utensils, you just know

The_Red_Cloud18 · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a restaurant and sometimes when I’m cleaning a table I take the dishes to the back and just blank out and throw them all into the trash. The kitchen staff looks at me like I’m insane and I just stand there thinking “why the fuck did I just do that.”

ncopp · 1 points · Posted at 06:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I'd throw my yogurt spoons away and go to put the cup in the sink and then I'd realize I did something backwards

AstroMariner · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was bad with forks and spoons when I was in my teens and early 20s. I feel you there.

kittenburrito · 1 points · Posted at 07:05:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm pretty sure the reason we're missing a few forks is because my husband mindlessly threw them away...

SLICKlikeBUTTA · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too with forks and knives..

sasoridomo · 1 points · Posted at 08:19:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad throws his forks away my moms convinced 😂😂😂

multimania · 1 points · Posted at 10:17:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a server in a high-end restaurant. Once I scraped the food scraps off of a plate and into the sink and threw the plate into the bin. The dishwashers were not impressed.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:28:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About two to three times a week my youngest throws her socks in the trash. She realizes it right away and retrieves them to put in the hamper, but it’s still always funny.

939319 · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Avoiding single use plastics. Thank you for saving our Earth.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

__Gingervitis__ · 214 points · Posted at 00:10:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Several times I have opened something in a package (like a piece of candy), then thrown the item away while still holding the wrapper.

matrix445 · 39 points · Posted at 00:23:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day! Also same

__Gingervitis__ · 9 points · Posted at 03:13:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you! 😍

ConIncognito · 5 points · Posted at 02:36:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this.

MethMouthMagoo · 6 points · Posted at 06:14:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm all about making a bowl of cereal, putting the cereal in the fridge, and the milk in the cereal cabinet.

dickholejohnny · 4 points · Posted at 07:50:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should probably avoid grenades at all costs.

RealStanak · 2 points · Posted at 07:53:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

__Gingervitis__ · 1 points · Posted at 12:01:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you! 😘

Yoga_meeks · 2 points · Posted at 16:35:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week I stood over the trash can and sharpened my lip liner pencil, then instead of throwing away the shavings, I threw away the pencil. It was an almost new $20 urban decay pencil.

You bet your ass I dug through the trash to retrieve it.

katman14 · 76 points · Posted at 02:01:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just reminded me of the tragic day where I carefully peeled a full bag of kiwis, only to throw out all the fruit and keep all the peels. Sat down to eat and was confused for much longer than I'd like to admit.

Haven't peeled a kiwi since. Upgraded to the cut-in-half-and-use-a-spoon method thanks to that traumatic experience.

taco_truck_wednesday · 35 points · Posted at 02:23:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Real men eat the skin and devour the whole thing.

By real men I mean people who don't have utensils available and only have kiwis when hungry and haven't eaten for over a day. You might ask, "How do you find yourself in a situation like that?". Well the answer is, the US Navy.

katman14 · 11 points · Posted at 03:18:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I've heard that! And I've wanted to try it but haven't worked up the courage yet...

Because I've also heard a story of someone who found out the hard way that they're allergic to the skin of a kiwi.

metamongoose · 1 points · Posted at 11:27:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's miles nicer than you'd imagine!

KarmaChameleon89 · 2 points · Posted at 02:26:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eh, I eat the skin and all, doesn't phase me :p

myheadhurtsalot · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you shave it first?

KarmaChameleon89 · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope, fluff and all

klparrot · 1 points · Posted at 07:34:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll eat the skin of a golden kiwifruit. The green ones, though, so hairy...

GlobalWarmer12 · 40 points · Posted at 02:03:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peeled the wrapper of an ice cream cone back in '97. This was at the grocery store. I threw the cone in The trash and stood there for a minute with the wrapper thinking what a moron I was.

Pissed at myself I turned to leave the store empty handed when I slipped back in my in line skates and fell on my ass right on the tailbone.

Laid down there for a few minutes more and went home. My ass hurt for days after.

So yeah, sorry about your shitty apple. At least you still have a paper towel.

xenorous · 2 points · Posted at 16:34:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We're all morons on this blessed day!

TDFDiniboy · 21 points · Posted at 00:18:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cant stop laughing at this. Thanks for sharing ;)

ascriptmaster · 20 points · Posted at 01:21:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of the old rage comic where the guy throws his bong into the trash http://i.imgur.com/c9gjb.png

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 03:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahh I remember that one. Man I miss rage comics being a thing.

phi_power · 1 points · Posted at 06:26:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Ry-Bread01256 · 18 points · Posted at 02:51:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What a waste of a paper towel TBH.

_CitizenSnips_ · 13 points · Posted at 04:05:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is incredibly wasteful. Who tf uses paper towels to dry an apple after they wash it?! If an apple is wet most of the water will run off it anyway, just give it a little shake even

Im12yearsoldso · 19 points · Posted at 03:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made stock, simmered for 8 hours, drained it into colander in the sink. Left with a bunch of spent bones and garbage veg and no base for soup.

TELLS_YOU_TO_FUCKOFF · 4 points · Posted at 04:23:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was looking for this one everywhere. You and me both, mate

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 3 points · Posted at 05:15:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually just posted that my husband once did this when he was making me soup because I was sick. He was so upset, and I told him he could just get Campbell's but he adamantly remade the stock for real, homemade soup for me.

Yoga_meeks · 2 points · Posted at 16:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What a keeper.

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 1 points · Posted at 18:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Definitely a keeper!

doge_ex_machina · 2 points · Posted at 04:25:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this with cold brew coffee

Nyltiak23 · 16 points · Posted at 02:45:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My roommate did this with a pepper. Washed it, threw it out and didn't realize. Couldn't figure out where it went though. So she did another one, washed and dried and it disappeared again! Offhandedly, I went, "did you throw it out by accident?" And she said "OH MY GOD" and pulled them both out

Byting_wolf · 15 points · Posted at 02:04:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar thing happened with me. After cooking bacon, I usually soak up the extra oil with tissue paper or paper towel. Did that, threw a slice of bacon into the trash and put the oily paper towel onto my plate. Realised what I had done after about 5 seconds..

optcynsejo · 3 points · Posted at 02:09:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s a true tragedy

Byting_wolf · 7 points · Posted at 02:10:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Still miss that slice, his name was Kevin..

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 3 points · Posted at 05:12:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

reads username

rereads comment

You made bacon out of Kevin?!

Schytheron · 9 points · Posted at 00:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've also done that but with candy. Threw the candy in the trash and put the candy wrapper in my mouth.

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put the candy wrapper in my mouth.

Lol that's the best part of your story!

bigstinky1990 · 11 points · Posted at 02:14:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teabag in sink, spoon in bin. I hang my head in shame every time

zarazilla · 19 points · Posted at 01:29:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never dried an apple with anything other than a few shakes before eating it... This kinda sounds like a waste of a paper towel to me.

Ry-Bread01256 · 6 points · Posted at 02:55:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It absolutely is. He is probably Mr. Moneybags to afford to do that.

dc-redpanda · 5 points · Posted at 06:07:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe it's just a habit and doesn't make him/her a bad person.

I grew up in a household where we used paper towels for everything and we weren't affluent. It took me until three years ago to question my usage and switch to hand towels and cloth napkins.

19Alexastias · 7 points · Posted at 03:19:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or Mr Hates-The-Environment

_CitizenSnips_ · 7 points · Posted at 04:06:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not even about the money, just needlessly wasteful and bad for environment

[deleted] · 23 points · Posted at 00:13:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A pig is an amazing animal. It has the ability to turn an apple, basically garbage, into BACON!!!!!!!

heyb3AR · 10 points · Posted at 02:44:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar except cracked an egg directly into the sink and not the bowl next to the sink.

UnthawedAge · 3 points · Posted at 05:35:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always gotta read the comments to make sure I'm not the only one. I was less on auto-pilot, more first time ever cracking an egg as a kid. My mom said, "okay, well don't do that next time". At least I don't think I threw the shell into the bowl

Smauler · 8 points · Posted at 01:59:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peeling potatoes or carrots is where this gets me. I've got somewhere where the peel goes, somewhere where the peeled stuff goes. The number of times I get it the wrong way round....

thisladylove · 6 points · Posted at 02:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once meticulously peeled and finely diced 4-5 cloves of garlic and then delicately scooped them up onto the blade of the knife and instead of taking it to the pan, proceeded to brush it into the bin. My husband watched the whole thing and it only occurred to me what I’d done after I saw his facial expression.

OnlyGranpop · 7 points · Posted at 03:25:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar today. I work in a deli, making hoagies. Our meats come pre-sliced with bits of wax(?) paper keeping them separated. While making a hoagie this morning, I separated the turkey from the paper, placed the paper on the hoagie roll, and tossed the turkey into the garbage. This particular sandwich called for three "helpings" of turkey. I tossed all three helpings into the trash before I realized my mistake. I'm super dumb. Hahaha

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:49:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean you could always just grab the Apple again and rewash it

yParticle · 4 points · Posted at 00:57:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You paint a perfect picture!

Necarre · 5 points · Posted at 02:34:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad opened a sugar packet, dumped the sugar in the trash, and put the wrapper in his drink.

craicbandit · 5 points · Posted at 02:59:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old house had a basket for washing in one corner (behind the door). I would often trick shot throw the towel / wash cloth into it, like bank it off the wall, throw it over the door on my way out etc.

The toilet was in the opposite corner. One day after washing my hands and drying them on a wash cloth I turned and instinctively 3 pointer-ed that bad boy and then.. splash

I knew from the second it left my hand that I had fucked up. Fishing it out of the toilet was punishment enough

max_adam · 3 points · Posted at 01:35:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did it after dicing tomatoes

emmerzed · 3 points · Posted at 02:22:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar. I worked at a bagel shop many years ago. We had bacon that came on parchment paper. I needed to remove it from the paper, toss the paper into bin, but bacon into metal bin. Well, I did that fine with 6 sheets really fast and then I ended up throwing bacon into the garbage.

automatica7 · 3 points · Posted at 02:45:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw a yoghurt in the bin and was left holding the foil lid.

crookedparadigm · 3 points · Posted at 02:48:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this with yogurt before. Grab yogurt, peel off cover, go to trash, throw yogurt away, full body record scratch.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:54:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I crack my egg into the sink instead of the bowl sitting next to the sink.

PM_ME_UR_DaNkMeMe · 3 points · Posted at 02:56:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I made a customers whole drink in the blender then instead of pouring it in the cup I poured it right down the drain 😂

hesthecheekyone · 3 points · Posted at 02:56:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pressed fresh garlic directly into the trash can.

KnockMeYourLobes · 3 points · Posted at 03:26:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that the other day at work.

I was supposed to be washing and de-stemming a shit ton of grapes ( I work in a school cafeteria) and I threw an entire 2 lbs bag of grapes right in the trash and stood there with the bag in my hand like a moron.

GenderMage · 3 points · Posted at 04:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walk to the dumpster with a trash bag in one hand and my phone in the other-

I pause at the dumpster, taking stock of the contents of each of my hands.

Careful, now.

gymrat_98 · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have also done this

EnnaxorOzzir · 2 points · Posted at 02:00:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omgoodness...so wholesome and so effed up at the same time!

LauraMcCabeMoon · 2 points · Posted at 03:34:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's like the redditor who took all day making a delicious chicken broth, went to strain the solids out of it with a sieve, and poured it all down the drain. Left with a strainer of overcooked carrots and spent celery.

Princessnecroblade · 2 points · Posted at 04:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We took our shoes off at the front door when I was growing up. I usually immediately took my socks off as well because somehow there was always a small puddle in the floor somewhere.

So I had to pass through the kitchen to get to my bathroom, where my laundry basket was. I don’t know how many times I just dropped my socks in the kitchen trash on the way.

droidonomy · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend did something like this. She spent hours making Tom Yum soup: made chicken stock from scratch, boiled prawn shells, prepared the spices/vegies and cooked it all up.

When the time came to strain out the liquid, she dumped all of the broth down the sink and was left holding a sieve full of prawn shells.

BlossumButtDixie · 2 points · Posted at 04:50:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of a nice memory from my childhood. Once when I was a kid my Grandmother was doing dishes and I grabbed an apple from the bowl beside her to eat. My uncle had just brought them in from the tree outside so they were waiting on her to finish the dishes to be rinsed in plenty of cold water and checked for worms.

My grandmother grabbed the apple out of my hand and washed it just like a dish. Dipped it in the hot, soapy water, rubbed it with the dishcloth, then jostled it in the hot rinse water in the other bowl of the sink. Us kids were frequently known to grab an apple from the tree and just eat it with no comment from my grandmother so I was a mite confused. She admitted she was just meaning for me to rinse it but had ended up washing it like part of the dishes because she was on autopilot although she described it as "gathering wool".

Arriety · 2 points · Posted at 04:59:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've cracked eggs into the trash before and tossed the shells in a bowl. I feel ya

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:26:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the most believable post in the thread

animewolf_17 · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when putting my cereal and milk away I almost put the milk on the shelf and the cereal in the fridge

gunswordfist · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ahahahaha

Zedilicious · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have EXACTLY done this before, spooky

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Should've eaten the paper towel, to save face.

KevinclonRS · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday my mom threw away the metal spoon and tossed the disposable container in the trash.

She didn’t notice until I asked why there was a fork in the trash.

doyoulikamypeanuts · 1 points · Posted at 02:56:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I literally did this same thing this morning.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha I almost did that the other day.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think this hapoens to up all with different things

MildlyAwesome17 · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I threw away a spoon rather than my yogurt container...

cocolacosta · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw away my Subway sandwich instead of my napkin once and stood there trying to figure out what I just did for a solid 30 seconds before I figured it out...

MildPetrichors · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this made me snort laugh, ty.

hezekiahpurringtonjr · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just last week I went to throw away a papertowel full of egg shells from my three boiled eggs and I opened the can and then just held on to one edge of the papertowel and threw egg shells all over my feet.

FortLouie · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long flight to Europe I got Euros from the ATM, threw away the cash and put the receipt in my pocket.

JoeBlow49032 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my debit card in the trash while pumping gas and cleaning out my car recently.

iwditt2018 · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this while cooking more than I care to admit. I started using a garbage bowl so that at least what I throw in there is still clean.

noahknife88 · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once dropping off a vaping thingy for my aunt and I accidentally handed her the can of sprite I was drinking instead

CatLineMeow · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, kinda like putting the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge 😅

uncertainumbrella · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was bouncing a ball against a wall and eating an apple and then threw my apple against the wall and bit into the ball. It happens.

monkeyhead49 · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have cracked two eggs directly into the trash.

maowsers93 · 3 points · Posted at 04:34:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do a lot of baking and have done this more times than is reasonable. I start Christmas baking tomorrow and am guaranteed an egg directly in the trash.

Shapaklak · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man the amount of times I’ve done this with a whole of variety of things. I was getting into the shower and took off my underwear and threw them straight in the trash

Assfullofbread · 1 points · Posted at 04:16:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just 3 hours ago I had to dig my girlfriends debit card out the trash.

I stopped at the gas station to buy beer, she gave me her card, I decided to throw some coffee cups and other shit out. Threw everything out including her card.

the_shady_penguin · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve cracked an egg and put the shell in my container and the yolk and whites in the garbage. That was awful to fix (getting shells out) and worse because my family was looking at me very confused.

annarooey · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg on the edge of the sink and then just dumped it in the sink. Watched it slide down the drain; only after it disappeared down the drain while I still held the empty shell did I go “wait a minute.”

BurnbagG · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bruh I done put the milk in the cabinet like 12 times in my life

piccolo3nj · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cracked an egg over the trash and then proceeded to watch as it dropped right in the trash can.

hemeny123 · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's cool man I've cracked eggs into the trashcan and almost put the shells into the mixing bowl.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why waste a paper towel to dry it? Just eat it wet, or shake the water off for a few seconds

Lil-PussyFart · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this but with locking my car door one too many times. Lock the door, toss the keys on the seat and shut the door before I can remember I’m an idiot.

celephia · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting away groceries, find toothpaste in fridge later.

ispamucry · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think this one is the most relatable. Everyone has accidentally thrown away the wrong thing in their hands.

xx8bitoverdrive · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally just today I was making a cup of coffee, had creamer cups and got to about my fourth one pouring them into my cup and tossing them into the trash can right next to me, then on my fourth I straight up just poured it into the trash and smiled like a complete jackass.

FunsizeWrangler · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I used to smoke, I have lit a cigarette and then chucked the lighter away like I was flicking a finished butt. Wut.

Twski · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least once a month I break an egg, throw the yolk + white in the trash proceed to put the shell in the recipient in the pan

BrittanyBallistic · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just today I opened a pack of new undies for my 4 year old, threw a handful of the new underwear in the garbage and brought the empty plastic package to his bedroom dresser.

Luckily I just put a new garbage bag in the can but God I felt like a dumbass.

Rockerblocker · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made eggs one day, cracked the egg directly into the garbage disposal. Stood there holding the shell thinking, “What next? Oh. Shit.”

Sweet_Taurus0728 · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once stuck the Milk on the brewer and the karafe in the fridge.

FlyingHazard · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw away my car keys instead of the plate I was holding in my other hand, all while maintaining eye contact with a friend across the room. This was just a few weeks ago

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lesson to be learned: Don't wash your fruits and vegetables.

anyd · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bartender here: sometimes I have to flip from 10am-7pm to 5pm-3am and back in a week.

I definitely stood and cut lime wedges and threw them into the garbage for a good 10 minutes last week.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was going good until the end

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a reusable water bottle that I use almost every day, throw a little mio in it for flavor (my tap water tastes gross). I fill up the bottle, put in the mio, give it a good shake annnnnnd I'm soaking wet. I hadn't closed the flip cap before deciding to mix it in. The mio was sangria flavored and a very dark red color too, so it looked like someone got stabbed.

Fortunately it was really early in the morning and my boyfriend wasn't awake yet, so I got to clean up my crime scene without any witnesses.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working in a kitchen i throw away one of everything i prep, Tomatoes need cut? better grab and extra. onions need sliced? better grab a couple extra. Every-fucking-thing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw away my work keys after washing my hands. Also ended up confusedly holding a paper towel.

AnalLeaseHolder · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I filled my drink at Taco Bell and put a lid on it, grabbed a straw and pulled it out of the paper. I threw the straw away and tried to jam the paper into the straw hole and felt like an idiot.

Stargazingsloth · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my box of cereal in the fridge instead of the milk weekly.

aliceinvegasland42 · 1 points · Posted at 05:15:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm crying over this one.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my phone away one time. I was cleaning the screen and dumped the phone instead of the wipe. Luckily I was at home so nothing too gross got on it

Squeakies · 12372 points · Posted at 00:37:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes in the shower I fill my mouth up with water and just kind of let it pour out. Was brushing my teeth standing in the bathroom one day, fully dressed before work. I just let the toothpaste pour slowly out of my mouth and onto my clothes as if I were in the shower... now every time I brush my teeth my boyfriend warns me not to spit all over myself.

You-need-a-big-one · 617 points · Posted at 02:43:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that in the shower too! Haven’t done it with toothpaste tho

rachelseaturtle · 285 points · Posted at 06:02:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

yet

[deleted] · 162 points · Posted at 08:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

starlightshower · 48 points · Posted at 10:41:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, and if you kind of food up your arms into a cradle, you can catch even more water!

My most useless advice ever I reckon.

[deleted] · 81 points · Posted at 09:08:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anyone do this with their boobs? Asking for a friend.

psychonaut8672 · 64 points · Posted at 09:58:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do it with mine but I'm a dude dunno if that counts.

NotTheOneYouNeed · 12 points · Posted at 14:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Send nudes.

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 09:44:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really like the sound it does when it hits the bathtub

zirhax · 11 points · Posted at 09:27:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yepp, happens a lot!

damaged_ellipse · 6 points · Posted at 09:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, yes!

fanboy3000 · 6 points · Posted at 09:29:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not usually but occationally

_ShaveTheWhales_ · 3 points · Posted at 12:08:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, the water seems a lot warmer that way

xtrajuicy12 · 2 points · Posted at 14:22:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone has done that

A_S00 · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:31 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup.

dicksnaxs · -24 points · Posted at 08:58:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, you fucking degenerate

BTD6_Piano_Tutor · 13 points · Posted at 08:46:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same and same lol

mouseguard-123 · 3 points · Posted at 09:00:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, I did

TheGreyMage · 3 points · Posted at 10:41:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, is there a sub for this yet?

Crassdrubal · 4 points · Posted at 09:27:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
babs0627 · 108 points · Posted at 07:02:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my. This brings back memories I haven’t thought about in a very long time. As a child (5-6 years old maybe?) I used to do this intentionally while brushing my teeth. Only it was onto my bare chest because I thought it felt nice. I was a weird child.

[deleted] · 44 points · Posted at 07:07:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

babs0627 · 24 points · Posted at 07:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can’t say that I did

[deleted] · 28 points · Posted at 08:14:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not yet

uttkarshpatel · 9 points · Posted at 07:59:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cousin used to do the same thing. I thought it was cool to do it and copied him infront of my mother one day. She thought it was silly. He liked spilling it onto his shirt and wiping it off with his finger to wash it.

Carmen_Bonkalot · 83 points · Posted at 07:27:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a mate that used to do similar in the shower, including drinking the water sometimes. Turned out to be a bad habit to have when visiting Bali, while drunk after a night out he had a shower and let the water get into his mouth (out of habit) spent the next day destroying the toilet.

6Dmkii · 41 points · Posted at 07:41:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I too destroyed toilets(for 3 weeks) after drinking water in Bali

Carmen_Bonkalot · 44 points · Posted at 07:44:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fucking hell, should have stopped drinking it after the first day TBH.

AntalRyder · 16 points · Posted at 08:44:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seriously, after the second week of shitting my brains out I'd get suspicious

6Dmkii · 2 points · Posted at 23:54:29 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

I only got a little in my mouth from the private pool in our villa, or brushing teeth, and I didn’t get symptoms for a few days but was sick for about 3 weeks. I never actually drank a glass of water.

PezButt · 5 points · Posted at 10:10:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m totally paranoid about this while traveling, not necessary gulping it down but it doesn’t take that many bacteria or whatever to make you sick. Not sure if I should feel vindicated or even more paranoid now.

mordahl · 6 points · Posted at 10:27:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Did the exact same thing in Thailand. It's a damn hard habit to break, particularly after a night on the piss.

Suffered through that shit for days. Didn't realise at the time that you can just walk into any pharmacist in SEA and get antiamoebics over the counter without a script..

sugar6jeep · 144 points · Posted at 03:05:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love the, “I’m not the only one” moments :)

KellyJTF · 31 points · Posted at 06:22:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yay there's more of us!

BTD6_Piano_Tutor · 3 points · Posted at 08:47:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ikr xD

shouldve_wouldhave · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why do so many of you just poure toothpaste all over you?

EzioNightAuditore · 19 points · Posted at 06:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is shamefully all too familiar.

Harmonious- · -25 points · Posted at 07:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

reposted comment lol

paintapiconsilence · 38 points · Posted at 07:24:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time while my BF and I were brushing our teeth, he was trying to look at something next to the sink and just spit water out onto the counter and floor. I still bust his balls about it a year later because it was hilarious in the moment

athousandwordss · 4 points · Posted at 08:49:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I legit laughed for a solid minute at the mental image of this!

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 08:02:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is why I brush my teeth before dressing. And I advise you do too.

seewhaticare · 16 points · Posted at 07:37:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, I spat the tooth paste on the floor as if I was in the shower. I was definately not in the shower.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 07:35:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this. And if I’m showering with my SO, I do it and spray water at him. We still laugh and have a good time.

PoofBam · 9 points · Posted at 07:26:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should brush your teeth in the shower.

damboy99 · 4 points · Posted at 08:54:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brush your teeth in the shower. Then you can still spill it all over.

CadaverAbuse · 3 points · Posted at 07:12:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this

Roulbs · 3 points · Posted at 07:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is by far the funniest visual

Silencio1021 · 3 points · Posted at 07:33:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you a turkey?

sjsharkb8 · 1 points · Posted at 07:53:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was my first thought

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 09:01:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is wonderful.

curiousfolk · 2 points · Posted at 08:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have done this before too lol

melted_Brain · 2 points · Posted at 09:47:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What weirdo doesn't brush his teeth before showering?

lil_icebear · 2 points · Posted at 14:59:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can totally relate.

I kinda have PTSD from it. Every time I brush my teeth I am thinking: don't open your mouth! Just keep it closed, we don't want IT to happen again

_Enclose_ · 2 points · Posted at 10:46:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This arouses me o_O

scubaguy194 · 1 points · Posted at 09:25:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Relevant username??

lilyofthetally · 1 points · Posted at 09:44:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done it. With mouthwash, too. forget what I have in my mouth and accidentally just let it fall out.

emceelokey · 1 points · Posted at 10:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brush your teeth in the shower!!!

w1ld_c4rd · 1 points · Posted at 11:09:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Start brushing your teeth in the shower, best of both worlds?

keikee · 1 points · Posted at 12:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LOL. You crazy funny person!

Bouperbear · 1 points · Posted at 12:53:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is hilarious.

lordg52 · 1 points · Posted at 12:57:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

at least youre not running in the shower to catch the subway

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 17:12:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favorite one

tonicrock · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:13 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the same thing in the shower. Now I'm concerned this will also happen to me.

[deleted] · -7 points · Posted at 11:24:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

wattpuppy · 3 points · Posted at 15:24:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow, that escalated quick.

RapidFireSlowMotion · 2 points · Posted at 23:20:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought to comment "Obviously your BF is a proponent of swallowing", figured I'd see something similar down here, but instead saw this escalating perv

hellohi1256 · -16 points · Posted at 08:54:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m sorry but this is early onset of mental health you need to get checked out you skitzo

cjheaney · -12 points · Posted at 08:48:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So when are you allowed to spit? Asking for a friend.

FragsturBait · 2881 points · Posted at 23:15:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always take my shirt off after my shoes when I get undressed.

So there I was at around 4:30 in the morning headed through security to fly across country for a festival. I'm nowhere close to awake and I'm totally running on autopilot. I'm throwing my stuff on the conveyor, I take my shoes off, and I started to take my shirt off and the (FFS why was she attractive) TSA lady was like "Slow down sir we just met".

I didn't know they came with a sense of humor.

pucspifo · 922 points · Posted at 04:42:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Should have said "Sorry, time zone difference, I'm a couple hours ahead of you."

Skijora · 122 points · Posted at 04:52:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn. Clever, clever.

ackme · 48 points · Posted at 05:05:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God /damn/.

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 09:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Noob noob!

AaronVsMusic · 42 points · Posted at 07:33:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh shit, that’s smoother than Skippy.

the_consumer_of_eggs · 8 points · Posted at 14:30:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Impossible, Skippy is 87% oil, 13% peanut butter. Or at least every jar I buy is

AaronVsMusic · 12 points · Posted at 14:57:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not to be controversial, but oil is pretty damn smooth.

Jonnypan · 7 points · Posted at 20:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Exactly, they said it's impossible to be smoother than Skippy, since Skippy is mostly oil

Zdoon_dnes · 26 points · Posted at 06:29:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn bro.

silly_gaijin · 6 points · Posted at 14:41:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Smoother'n a fresh jar of Skippy!

FragsturBait · 2 points · Posted at 20:36:14 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I had actually been awake and single I would have probably done that...

[deleted] · 175 points · Posted at 01:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The last line gave me a good chuckle thanks for the share my lad and may you be blessed eternally with a strong relationship with future TSA ladies.

Whitsoxrule · 38 points · Posted at 05:40:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn’t know TSA employees could be attractive. Every time I’ve been patted down it’s someone who looks like my spinster aunt

ZaMiLoD · 23 points · Posted at 12:02:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once was taking an early trip to London from Copenhagen. As the guy checked my ticket before I headed to security he gave it back and said 'Have a nice visit to Berlin'. I very nearly had a heart attack and thought I had bought the wrong tickets or something. I think I prefer my airport workers slightly less humorous...

eekamuse · 4 points · Posted at 17:35:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Evil bastard

fadjee · 8 points · Posted at 04:55:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Surely rules 1 and 2 apply to you.

FragsturBait · 1 points · Posted at 20:37:27 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

Meh. I guess? My girlfriend says I'm sexy, but she's biased.

GeneralAbalone · 23055 points · Posted at 21:41:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife's friend & her husband were leaving after having dinner at our house. As they're leaving, she says "love you" to my wife. Naturally, I respond "love you t... uuuuuh... yeah, goodnight."

tommyservo · 12246 points · Posted at 23:00:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will sometimes intentionally end phone calls with my friends with an “I love you” because they almost always say it back automatically.

They get mad after and I laugh hysterically and hang up.

[deleted] · 9801 points · Posted at 23:35:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will sometimes intentionally end phone calls with my friends with an “I love” because I love them and want them to know that

SovietBozo · 513 points · Posted at 00:29:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually end phone calls with "I love me" because then they say "love you too" so I get 2x love and they get nothing, so win-win

Dremora_Lord · 15 points · Posted at 07:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi I'm date Mike, nice to meet me.

notLOL · 3 points · Posted at 16:01:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ULPT

trident042 · 1 points · Posted at 13:08:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Alright calm down Twix commercials.

RapidFireSlowMotion · 1 points · Posted at 17:08:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think that's how "win-win" works

_Mephostopheles_ · 683 points · Posted at 23:37:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)
waiif · 846 points · Posted at 00:07:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here; it’s so confusing to see people getting mad or confused when they accidentally tell a friend they love them. Do they not normally do that? What kinda friendship is that?

C2D2 · 928 points · Posted at 00:36:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a friend. I don't remember a time when we weren't friends. Grew up together. We're in our 40's now and a couple months back I had some heart issues and was hospitalized for a couple days. Friend calls me up and as we're getting off the phone he told me he loved me and he'd see me soon. I told him I loved him too. That was the first time in all the GI Joe playing, mountain climbing, girl chasing, getting arrested, proms, 3 weddings, divorce, rehab, vacations, funerals, and other crazy times through the years we've ever said I love you it to each other. I guess he thought I was gonna die or something. Or maybe he was just tired or drunk. Lol. Either way it was good to hear it and good to say it.

Magikats · 120 points · Posted at 00:50:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is a beautiful story.

seymour1 · 118 points · Posted at 01:48:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best thing I’ve read all day. I’m going to tell my friends I love them as soon as I acquire friends.

atlamarksman · 54 points · Posted at 01:55:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you, friend.

Xternal96 · 5 points · Posted at 12:51:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you too, dad.

gunswordfist · 19 points · Posted at 02:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You and me both.

coredumperror · 7 points · Posted at 02:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have one friend, and also happen to hang out with her husband most of the time I'm hanging out with her (we watch football together). If I told her I love her, that would be super awkward, whether he's in the room or not, lol.

choloepushoffmanni · 37 points · Posted at 00:59:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did I tear up a little bit

BigBlue923 · 11 points · Posted at 03:18:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too, think I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and toast that one.

ShowALK32 · 2 points · Posted at 13:04:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Because you're a human with feelings and that was a feelings-filled story.

Mansu_4_u · 34 points · Posted at 03:12:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I purposely tell my friends I love them when I hang up, all of them. Even in person when we leave. Guys, and girls, we just know it's how close we are and we all mean it. It's a group of about 7 or 8 of us, we've known each other since elementary school and have each other as family. You know that one "aunt" or "uncle" in your life that isnt blood related? My best bud and I talk on the phone once a week, maybe more, and U always end the call with a 'love you'. Ae've been best friends in Kindergarten, and he's the brother I chose to have. You guys: tell the people in your life who matter that you love them. Being emotionally open with the people around you is healthy

cynthic · 45 points · Posted at 02:20:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I jokingly say "I love you" to the remaining friends that I have, and say some homoerotic shit to fuck around. I don't think they realize how much I mean it. I have depression, and thoughts of suicide from time to time (Added that in to really mean in this comment, how much I love them, other than that, some useless shit I shouldn't say on Reddit). Anyways, I had a close friend who I thought got into a fatal motorcycle accident because the same model of bike that he rides was on the news. Messaged him, and he wasn't in the accident. I worried and cried for a good 15-20 minutes. I tried to reconnect with him and hang out after that, but he never bothered to meet up. It's good for friends, especially guys to say "I love you" and mean it. I think masculinity is all relative, so if some guy hears me say "I love you" or some homoerotic shit in public to a friend, then it's whatever. You never know when you'll lose someone, whether it's just the connection or their life.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 09:56:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

cynthic · 3 points · Posted at 01:14:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass. I know the root cause of it, and at this point I don't need to talk. It's all about changing my mindset and just trying to fight against it. Have a good day, and keep on fighting.

Fiesty43 · 11 points · Posted at 02:37:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn this is beautiful, great story and I’m glad you’re okay. :)

I would say guys around your age are maybe more hesitant about saying they love someone of the same sex, but who knows? I’m 19 and my closest friend group says this kind of stuff all the time in earnest, especially if someone is down or if something happened. But now that I think about it, that’s probably pretty rare among males my age too.

ThisIsTheTheeemeSong · 5 points · Posted at 02:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guy friends, a computer made us roommates in college!

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 02:40:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

girl chasing, getting arrested, proms

The best kind right? :D

Elrod91 · 5 points · Posted at 04:20:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don’t forget rehab. I’m sure the times leading up to that were great also.

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 13:48:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The "3 weddings, divorce" got me. :D

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 08:58:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The longest friendship I've had was about eight years. I'm envious of your friendship haha. Good for you though, that's great.

LifeIsVanilla · 3 points · Posted at 02:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I absolutely get the sentiment and even the personas around why it was so irregular, and even how it's a memory worth having cause you knew he did but it wasn't said. I feel like it's become more common to share such a thing nowadays though, luckily. I'm mid 20's and occasionally my friends Conversations end with an "i love you bud". Not everyone gets that level though, i ain't no slut.

Dont____Panic · 2 points · Posted at 02:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow, that’s so cool.

Crassdrubal · 0 points · Posted at 09:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Yuluthu · 290 points · Posted at 00:27:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Life is too short and crappy to not tell people you love them

[deleted] · 49 points · Posted at 00:33:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah dude i tell my platonic female friends i love them all the time.

Yuluthu · 50 points · Posted at 00:56:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd recommend telling everyone regardless of gender if you're comfortable - I tell my guy friends that I love them too and it always makes them smile

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 01:18:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too!

Usually they respond something like "uuhhh okayyy???" or "will you please stop saying that?".

GWnullie · 27 points · Posted at 01:30:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah or "didn't I get a restraining order against you?" Haha I love those silly friends of mine

Furt77 · 12 points · Posted at 01:48:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get a lot of, “Who are you and how did you get into my house?"

yessah · 4 points · Posted at 13:24:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

PappySmurf9714 · 9 points · Posted at 01:36:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you

raindropsandrainbows · 9 points · Posted at 02:07:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you too

Zzzso · 6 points · Posted at 01:50:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you

raindropsandrainbows · 10 points · Posted at 02:07:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you too

viciousbreed · 6 points · Posted at 03:12:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the kind of platitude I can get behind. It's true, and it's wholesome, but it's not sickly-sweet.

raindropsandrainbows · 2 points · Posted at 02:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well said

arcelohim · 6 points · Posted at 02:17:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What did Well say?

raindropsandrainbows · 6 points · Posted at 02:21:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Life is too short and crappy to not tell people you love them

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:04:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dad, go to bed!

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 00:43:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol i think the more you say it the more you feel it

Ninjafire621 · 11 points · Posted at 04:42:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Motherfucking english man. We have really specific words for the most pointless stuff, but we dont have seperate words for platonic love, and love love.

waiif · 4 points · Posted at 04:43:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, that pisses me off. I usually just say I love you in a gentle voice to an SO, and I say it more casually to my friends

Highcyndaquil · 9 points · Posted at 00:51:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

idk I think it’s more of like a “haha damn you got me with that trick fuck you!” than a genuine anger

Golden_Spider666 · 17 points · Posted at 00:48:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah. Men are only allowed to say that to men when drunk. That’s why we like to get drunk with the bros

Cuckmin · 5 points · Posted at 02:17:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Truest of the truths.

whiskeydumpster · 10 points · Posted at 01:40:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love listening to Dax Shepherds podcast and at the end of it he always says “love you” to his co-host who is a good friend of theirs. It reminds me of being back home with my close friends and how affectionate we all are.

Tallmarkymark · 7 points · Posted at 03:12:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the ER getting stitches in my mouth not too long ago and a friend was there with me. My sister called and I gave my friend, who's close with my family, the phone as the doctor was about to do the procedure. And my friend and sister end the call saying, "love you." And the doctor just pauses, hands in my mouth, and was like, "did you just say I love you to his sister?" My friend and I couldn't couldn't help but laugh.

Xetren · 5 points · Posted at 00:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A good one? Me and my best friend never say that, but it doesn't make us any less of friends than those that do.

shrubs311 · 5 points · Posted at 01:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends wouldn't be mad. But my friends may be confused since it's not something we say to each other even though we do all love each other. But they'd probably say it back anyways.

SnapKreckelPop · 4 points · Posted at 02:10:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

honestly though. and there’s so many ways you can say it without it sounding weird. As simple as saying “love” or “all love” or “much love”.

jedimaster32 · 8 points · Posted at 01:28:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure about other countries, but at least in America there's a bit of "toxic masculinity" and there's a social stigma around men showing even platonic affection to each other.

rbrillliant · 3 points · Posted at 01:18:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hopefully I explain this well. So I love my family, but not all of them. You know, the extended relatives I never see unless someone's dying or the very rare call to discuss certain events within the family. I feel obligated to say "I love you" back to them when they say it, even when both of us probably don't mean it. So the "I love you" at the end of a phone call has become more of a routine than anything.

And again, I love my family, and tell them consciously. But at the end of a phone call, I give them the same routine "I love you" that doesn't mean anything to them as I would extended relatives. Not every time, but usually.

I love my friends. I don't feel like I'm obligated to tell them I love them or that I love them back, though, so when I give out the routine one that means nothing, I get a little confused for a second. It's not that I don't love them, and I tell them consciously occasionally other times. It doesn't matter in the end, and it only ends with a laugh usually, but that's why I get confused for a second.

Also, friends that you haven't known for a while or friends that are more acquaintances than anything. It's not a big deal, but it's a tiny bit awkward.

HolgerSwinger · 3 points · Posted at 12:49:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I loved your comment, I have it the same way, I’m not originally from USA but it is very common to say “I love you” to family members, even those who are not too close, the expression “I love you!” was special to me before I moved here, not anymore

Durantye · 4 points · Posted at 02:48:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The same way other languages have other words for different types of love i.e. romantic, familial, friendship. Context and tone matter in English, my friends and I say we love each other all the time but how we say it and what words and slang we use matter significantly else it is taken in a different way. Saying straight up 'I love you' as a solo phrase in certain tones English is usually reserved for significant others (though not always just usually). This is why no one would bat an eye if you said 'love you bro', but if you looked him in the eye unflinchingly and said 'I love you' in the same tone you would to your wife it gets weird/becomes an obvious joke.

WarmerClimates · 3 points · Posted at 03:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lot of people grow up only hearing "love" used to mean romantic love. Language and culture are different in different places and there are a lot of places where if you told a friend you loved them, literally the only way they would think to interpret that would be "I want to date and/or fuck you". Think of it like how Australians can call each other cunt as a friendly thing and Americans only do it as a very serious insult that will get you punched.

It's not like people from non-"love you" cultures don't show their love in other ways. They'd phrase it as "I appreciate you", "I care about you a lot", "hey man, you're my best friend", "I don't know what I'd do without you" etc. It's just that love has a specific connotation to candlelit dinners and marriage.

FBWhy · 4 points · Posted at 11:35:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s a solid, deep and trusting friendship which is fulfilling for both of us. We just express the value we put into our friendship in ways other than saying I love you, what’s wrong with that? We know the love is there.

WhimsicalWyvern · 1 points · Posted at 05:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many people interpret "I love you" as a romantic statement rather than simply a statement of a deep platonic bond, which in these cases is an inaccurate portrayal of the relationship.

Crystal_God · 0 points · Posted at 00:46:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s different if a dude tells my girlfriend he loves her. No matter how “platonic” the friendship is. However take what I say with a grain of salt, I have jealousy issues.

wouldyoufuckjesus · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

a male one

jason2306 · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe they were male

gtjack9 · -5 points · Posted at 00:44:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For men the implication is, love=sex. More often than not men would rather not have sex with each other.

waiif · 19 points · Posted at 00:45:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s just immaturity to me. I’m a male with two female best friends and we say we love eachother all the time

TheNerdWithNoName · 3 points · Posted at 00:51:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But do you also say it to your male friends?

waiif · 16 points · Posted at 00:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, pretty consistently. Also a lot of hugging, to basically everyone I know. I don’t know how long I’ll know them because I’m in high school, and I really want them to know how much I love them before i potentially never see them again

morbidcuriosities · 8 points · Posted at 01:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Keep it up! I left high school behind years ago and one of the best decisions I ever made as a teenager was to stop giving a single shit and let the important people in my life know that I love them. Still do it, never regretted it.

gtjack9 · -6 points · Posted at 01:18:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And there's the phrase we were looking for...

I'm in highschool

If you think you're mature now, then you definitely aren't.

waiif · 14 points · Posted at 01:21:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it’s immature to tell your friends you love them, then I hope I never mature

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 3 points · Posted at 05:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't listen to that fuck. You're a good person and a good friend.

waiif · 3 points · Posted at 05:58:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks man! It seriously bothers me that some people can’t just have a loving attitude. Being shitty feels worse to yourself and others; why commit to it? It’s so stupid

gtjack9 · -2 points · Posted at 01:22:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It is neither mature nor immature.
You're the one who brought up maturity being a reason behind it.

waiif · 9 points · Posted at 01:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t think it’s mature to say you love your friends, I just think it’s immature to assume love=sex

gtjack9 · -1 points · Posted at 01:24:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well decide what you're gonna argue about already.
I'm getting bored over here.

waiif · 6 points · Posted at 01:25:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude, I was saying it was immature to think love=sex from the start. Learn to read the situation.

gtjack9 · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair, I was just trying to give a reason as to why men have different (non sexual) relationships with other men, In comparison to the opposite sex. You, yourself asked why other men don't do this.

Same here; it’s so confusing to see people getting mad or confused when they accidentally tell a friend they love them. Do they not normally do that? What kinda friendship is that?

gtjack9 · 2 points · Posted at 01:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You understand just as well as I do, that it isn't normal behaviour though.
I'm not saying it's wrong, just not normal.

BReximous · 33 points · Posted at 00:29:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hell yeah. My friends started it as a joke in college, because one of the guys would say “Love you, bye!” really quick to be funny when he hung up the phone, and it turned into a long-running joke. But it really opened up the opportunity for us to say it more earnestly now, because we don’t see each other very often, and life’s too short to not tell your friends you love them.

cssocks · 19 points · Posted at 00:16:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

... Can you call me sometime

ask_me_about_cats · 15 points · Posted at 00:37:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sure, talk later. Love you.

Insertclever_name · 3 points · Posted at 01:36:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww I love me too

ask_me_about_cats · 4 points · Posted at 02:07:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good, that’s very healthy. Now we just need to get you to stop loving yourself on the bus.

fizz514 · 4 points · Posted at 03:05:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They say you have to give love to receive it, that's why I whack off constantly.

PeriodicallyATable · 3 points · Posted at 03:00:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can you love a cat on the bus?

HolgerSwinger · 1 points · Posted at 12:51:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

... Can you call me sometime

Ok, Sometime!

SIrFluffsalot35 · 13 points · Posted at 03:11:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started saying "I love you" to my guy friends cause I live 6-10 hours away now, and only get to see each other so often. Amazing how little resistance there is once you get over the stigma and now we say it everytime we part. It makes the friendship a lot stronger.

jimbojangles1987 · 10 points · Posted at 01:14:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will sometimes intentionally end phone calls with friends with a "later douchebag" because they're douchebags and I want then to know that

viciousbreed · 11 points · Posted at 03:27:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Split the difference! "Love you, douchebag!"

GWnullie · 2 points · Posted at 01:32:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say I love you to some of my friends. I also say "later nerds" to somr and also my coworkers. They are legitimate nerds tho.

Geishawithak · 9 points · Posted at 02:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad always says I love you when hanging up the phone or leaving to work or whatever. When I was about 7 I asked him why he did that and he said that if something were to happen to me or him he wanted the last thing he said to me to be I love you. Now, I make sure I do that with everyone I love.

CoachKC · 7 points · Posted at 04:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m big on this. When my wife and I were first married she brought up the question if we say I love you too much like every time we talk. My answer was basically this. She’d never thought of it like that but it’s something we still do to date.

DoxieMonstre · 4 points · Posted at 14:58:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m this way with my husband. Every time he leaves I have to say “I love you, drive safe” I’ll alternate between the two like 3-4 times sometimes on his way out the door. I don’t think he’s left the house a single time when I was home without hearing it. If I don’t tell him to drive safe I panic and text it to him, like a compulsion. I also tell my toddler I love him about a hundred times a day. I’ll be damned if there’s even a single motherfucker on this earth that I love who doesn’t hear that shit from me every time I see them. Lol.

janbnic · 8 points · Posted at 00:24:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always tell those close to me I love them when I’m done talking to them. It gives me some comfort that if something were to happen the last thing they heard from me is I love you.

ask_me_about_cats · 7 points · Posted at 00:38:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And it’s delightfully creepy if you’re a serial killer.

tokyobunny99 · 5 points · Posted at 18:38:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The last phone conversation I ever had with my dad ended with,"I love you dad", "I love you too kiddo".

He passed away 2 days later. It helped with my grief somewhat knowing that was the last thing we told each other.

whiskeydumpster · 7 points · Posted at 01:38:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I moved away from home a few years ago and I tell all my friends and family I love them every time we talk. For a few months last year I was able to come home and lived with my best friend. Every time I left the house I told her I loved her because I really do and it feels so good to be home around people you know and who know you. It also made her laugh because we worked together but I usually went in an hour earlier than her so we weren’t even apart for that long.

Anyway tell your loved ones you love them!

Queensbro · 36 points · Posted at 23:45:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I will sometimes intentionally end phone calls with my friends because I hate them and don't call me leave me alone no commas thanks.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 00:25:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Top ramble! would slowly back away again.

DepressionsDildo · 7 points · Posted at 23:54:54 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always do!!

shinjury · 5 points · Posted at 23:56:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should do an AMA for us, I have so many questions

geneadamsPS4 · 5 points · Posted at 00:27:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get out of here with that genuine affection

ThatDudeFromPlaces · 5 points · Posted at 00:29:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that all the time with my friends, especially when were playing xbox together. They always say I love you back. My best friends and I will also text each other “ily” on a regular basis.

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 4 points · Posted at 05:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I have some friends who are as close as family, and we all say "I love you." Because we all do!

I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH · 3 points · Posted at 00:37:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

with an “I love”

RIP op.

alexbhood · 3 points · Posted at 03:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's not directed at anyone, you just want them to know you're capable of the emotion.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:42:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I love" would just confused fuck out of me

FinnsGamertag · 3 points · Posted at 09:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I finish nearly every call with an I love you. You never know what someone’s going through and I know I’ve had some pretty dark days and an unexpected ‘I love you’ would of really helped me through it.

Georgeisthecoolest · 9 points · Posted at 23:54:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

ho-kay then, bye!

honey he said it again, it really creeps me out, let's not go there any more

KvDread · 2 points · Posted at 10:18:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, spread that love. Spread it good.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
_vOv_ · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! Gaaaayyyyyy! :D

Nillabeans · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a friend who used to say "I glove you" all the time cause he knew I kind of liked him.

opservator · 1 points · Posted at 02:06:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

HAHAHAHAHA

TropicalPriest · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too! You’ll know if you’re one of my close friends because i’ll always tell you i love you before leaving/hanging up.

TrueRusher · 1 points · Posted at 05:29:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too, but then my male friends will get in relationships and I have to judge whether or not it’s okay to say anymore :(

Goldfox2112 · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww so sweet

An_Azelf · 1 points · Posted at 10:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
drgnpg · 1 points · Posted at 11:10:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wholesome

PiggySmalls11 · 1 points · Posted at 14:30:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this too. Even to the ones that think it’s weird and don’t say anything back. I just want them to know.

BaconReceptacle · 72 points · Posted at 23:56:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will be on a call with my boss or someone from work and, while in the presence of other co-workers, I will end the call, quickly press the button to hang up, but then continue like "what? Yeah, I'll call you then...OK....I love you too". The look on my co-workers face is priceless.

haha_squirrel · 33 points · Posted at 00:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my friends regularly end phone calls with I love you, as 20 some year old males it still just feels good to remind them/be reminded!

whereiswaldo7 · 10 points · Posted at 00:31:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're ready for the next level, try calling them Daddy.

haha_squirrel · 5 points · Posted at 00:34:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean may or may not be known to throw out a satirical daddy every now and then!

alldawgsgotoheaven · 16 points · Posted at 00:25:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this with the homies I've know forever. Truly my brothers. Even leaving an xbox party we'll throw out love yous.

ThatDudeFromPlaces · 13 points · Posted at 00:31:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here. We always end our parties with “love you”, always throws randoms off if we’re playing with them haha

haha_squirrel · 4 points · Posted at 00:33:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah exactly! Not like every dude I know or anything like that, just my day ones.

alldawgsgotoheaven · 4 points · Posted at 00:35:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah. Then when we're together we take turns putting each other's genitals in our mouths until completion LOL I love.those guys so much though it's crazy

haha_squirrel · 4 points · Posted at 01:42:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nothing wrong with a good old fashion bro job my dude!

whereiswaldo7 · 8 points · Posted at 00:29:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always intentionally end phone calls with my friends with an "I love you" because I do.

rhi-raven · 8 points · Posted at 00:20:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually just say that to close friends so...

GRIEF_C0UNSEL0R · 7 points · Posted at 01:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes! I discovered 15 years ago that my best friend would to into autopilot and say "I love you" too his mom to get her to stop nagging him. It wasn't long before I was calling him to see if he could hang out, and then before the call was over I'd sneak in an "I love you" to see if he autopiloted one back. He did. A follow-up "damnit" phonecall was immediately made.

I coined it "Bugs Bunnying" after the rabbit season/duck season bit.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 00:28:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I've found a new use for my terrible habit

riddleterror · 4 points · Posted at 00:48:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I order food I like to and the conversation with a nonchalant “I’m scared”. One day I’m sure something bad will come of it but until then it’s just pretty funny to me.

shortyman93 · 4 points · Posted at 01:26:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my best friend do that because we love each other and always have each other's backs.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:28:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always try to say it when my wife is ending a random phone call, cus she will accidentally say it to them on the phone and it makes me laugh.

VediusPollio · 3 points · Posted at 00:34:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm going to start doing this with bill collectors and business calls.

eddiestriker · 3 points · Posted at 02:40:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a customer end a call with “I love you” once. They called back immediately to apologize, but my coworker had to take the call by I was laughing so hard.

sasoridomo · 3 points · Posted at 08:20:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sound like a fun friend

NifflerOwl · 2 points · Posted at 00:35:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
stone500 · 2 points · Posted at 00:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that with customer service people sometimes.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:02:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do people not tell their friends they love them?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:37:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not the villain we deserve, but the one we need right now

EnnaxorOzzir · 2 points · Posted at 02:02:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OK satan...

SafeToPost · 2 points · Posted at 02:48:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would do that to my coworker, a 60 year old wizard looking dude whose life only made sense when he saw Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory and realized he might be on the spectrum. He was so confused by my antics, and they made him uncomfortable, but he also thought I was the funniest son of bitch. I miss working with him.

davidestroy · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I tell my friends I love them because they're great people and I appreciate having them in my life.

brodo87 · 2 points · Posted at 07:20:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I purposely do this all the time! It’s either met with hysterical laughter before they hang up or an automatic “love you too”. It’s a win-win for me lol

WrathOfTheHydra · 2 points · Posted at 08:50:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If one of you passes away, even if it's a joke, that will stick with you for a very long time.

Black--Snow · 2 points · Posted at 10:09:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This doesn’t work for me because my friends genuinely end our phone calls with “love you”.

StaticChocolate · 2 points · Posted at 12:38:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually tell my friends I love them anyway... (‘:

The_Bitter_Bear · 2 points · Posted at 14:09:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've accidentally ended a call or two with an "I love you" particularly if I had just been on the phone with a parent before or if I was distracted. Always got a chuckle.

PARKOUR_ZOMBlE · 2 points · Posted at 15:40:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this with every phone call with friends, always. At first I got the same reaction, which is why I did it, but now we all just say I love you to each other. And we do.

Eric_of_the_North · 2 points · Posted at 18:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always say love you to coworkers and friends. Its the best.

Rihannas_nipples · 2 points · Posted at 23:50:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that too so much to the point they’ll say it if I don’t!! Whatever it’s always nice to know you’re loved

malibudaniel · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this with the employees at McDonald's drive through after I grab my food...except just to weird them out.

MormonBikeRiding · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say it cause I love my friends no homo

jessievonghoul · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work fast food, took a phone order, went auto pilot and said I love you. Fortunately he didn't know who took his order when he picked it up at the window.

greffedufois · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband and I say Kenkamken. So if we ever say it to someone else maybe they'll think we sneezed, haha.

(Kenkamken means I love you in Yup'ik)

lilpastababy · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did that to my uncle once. They have ridiculous sense of humor but they do NOT say I love you. He said it and my uncle said it back, realized, and was like, “fuck you” -click-

bfly21 · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this getting out of Ubers and Lyfts.

P0sitive_Outlook · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother and i play a similar trick on our mother. "I'll bring you some updock" - "Thanks, but what's updock?"

MrProcast · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll have to use that one… as soon as I make a friend first.

RegiusMusica · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend group does this too, but it's all on purpose. We genuinely just say it a lot. It always makes me kinda uncomfortable to say it back lol

The-True-Kehlder · 1 points · Posted at 10:28:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm assuming that's the only way you get to have someone tell you they love you?

werekitty93 · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went through a drive thru once and apparently the guy had been saying "Hi, welcome to Chickfila, I love you, may I take your order?" and no one had said anything/noticed.

Mandalorianfist · 1 points · Posted at 12:49:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this to my boss.

StarGladiator0148 · 1 points · Posted at 14:25:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you too...

Wait! I forgot to say no ho- hangs up

SasoDuck · 1 points · Posted at 15:12:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve started going around telling everyone “Good morning,” even when it’s not morning. They instinctively say good morning back, and then a few paces later “... hey wait...”

notLOL · 1 points · Posted at 16:01:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha. Are you lonely, too?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:01:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do it all the time for like ordering pizza, setting doctors appointments, calling companies for work that i need done at my job. 9/10 they always respond back "love you too" its nice because thats the only time i hear it.

helpcantletgo · 1 points · Posted at 17:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep my coworkers on the phone sometimes for their input when I am writing an email. I always read back to them “thanks for your help. Xoxo, me”.

The weird thing is that they don’t always catch me saying it...

mrmastermattler · 1 points · Posted at 17:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
seriouslyFUCKthatdud · 1 points · Posted at 18:09:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait I just tell my friends that.. It's cool

dune_my_buggy · 1 points · Posted at 20:20:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

and then everybody clapped

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2290 points · Posted at 22:03:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no haha. Did that lead to an awkward conversation or did your wife find it as hilarious as I do?

I’m quite bad for that myself, I have to hold myself back from saying “love you” every time I book a taxi.

Mdu627 · 2045 points · Posted at 23:31:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Just want to say that I love your replies on the answers. You seem like a really nice and happy person.

Edit: Thanks to whoever gave me gold. Appreciate you, buddy. :)

Lucavon · 185 points · Posted at 23:47:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same applies to you, as it's rare to see someone pointing out something positive and personal on reddit!

delcoyo · 76 points · Posted at 00:17:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You, on the other hand, seem real shady.

Lucavon · 36 points · Posted at 00:18:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Would the real slim shady please stand up?

dam1end · 4 points · Posted at 00:33:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well played!!!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 12 points · Posted at 12:13:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww thank you! You’re all so lovely you’re making my heart so full!

SweetBabyAlaska · 9 points · Posted at 00:44:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love your wholesome attitude ❤️ like sublime says “let the loving take ahold cause it will if you let it.”

Queensbro · 9 points · Posted at 23:46:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks. I appreciate it.

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 00:17:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
mechewstaa · 9 points · Posted at 01:59:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was expecting a vastly different sub

pknk6116 · 7 points · Posted at 04:01:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know, that is clearly NOT their eno top

lIIIllIIIII · 15 points · Posted at 00:47:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually he's just playing his thread. Not a bad thing but if you ever see a good askreddit thread in it's early hours, most OPs stick around and reply to each reply to provide the right traction to the thread. The number of replies at least double with OPs inputs. Think of OP as a really awesome host to a party that he's invited us all to. And he's making sure that everyone is having a good time. He's breaking that ice getting the conversation flowing and making sure no one is left out.

iamthepixie · 1 points · Posted at 05:18:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sentiments exactly!

ritchie70 · 16 points · Posted at 02:45:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have damn few phone calls to anyone but my wife and mom. I’ve come super close to a “love you” at the end of work calls a few times.

IncomprehensibleEmu · 3 points · Posted at 15:00:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day 🎉

Congressbeta · 13 points · Posted at 02:15:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you Helen

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 16 points · Posted at 12:17:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you too. Run away with me

RockHardFlabs · 12 points · Posted at 07:22:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think that’s lovely. You have so much love in your life that it’s become a habit.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 12 points · Posted at 12:16:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww I didn’t think about it this way. Thank you for showing me this.

I have a huge family and we all give a kiss and a hug whenever we leave each other. I was in the phone to my dad last night and he hung up without saying love you (I was coming to his house anyway, but still) and I just looked at my phone and went “dick.” Out I’d love if course, I love my whole ass family.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 00:56:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I talk with my fiance on the phone all the time, and very seldom i’ll have to go into work early before my store opens. To get in, i have to call someone to let me in. The fear i have that i’ll be tired and accidentally say “i love you” or call one of my managers “baby” is insurmountable.

Firewolf420 · 5 points · Posted at 08:52:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

book a taxi

what is this, the 90's??

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 9 points · Posted at 12:20:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha no? Do people not book taxis anymore? I refuse to use the metered ones when I can pay like £10 less for a fixed rate one

Blenderx06 · 2 points · Posted at 20:21:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They're thinking of ubers and such, which they may not realize is not available everywhere.

SUND3VlL · 1 points · Posted at 14:14:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No Uber?

Firewolf420 · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:54 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It's all about crowdsourced services like Lyft and Uber these days. And soon, there will be self-driving services with no driver at all. You call a car to you, take it to your destination, and get out and it automatically returns to it's garage.

We're living in the future! And unfortunately cabs kinda got shot in the foot because they didn't modernize quick enough. They never settled on a single "taxi app" that picked up with the mainstream, and were always a bunch of competing companies and services, and when the Internet came, few of them offered ways to book through it in a unified way. They'll probably stick around to some capacity, but currently they're unable to compete with the profit margins of current ride sharing and crowdsourced transit apps. And frankly they don't carry the same ease of use as those do currently. They also can't deliver food to my front door, as crowdsourced services are starting to do, so they're not innovating and matching their versatility in the industry.

I think the yellow taxi cab is one of those things that you'll see in a movie 30 years from now and think, ha! That's such a 2010's era movie, they're takin' cabs! Lol.

It's one of those things I never thought would go away but unfortunately I think it's a dying industry.

There will always be services where you can hire a car with a human driver, but it won't be the traditional current format, it will probably evolve to a more pricey, luxury car for hire sort of thing - similar to the current services we have to hire limos or party buses. When automated driving systems evolve it will be much cheaper to not hire anyone at all to drive them, and that will be status quo.

themanda04 · 4 points · Posted at 14:15:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have to resist the urge to say "thank you" every time my Alexa does something for me.

apollymii · 3 points · Posted at 15:48:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always thank her too! ...just in case

DespacitoMan911 · 1 points · Posted at 22:28:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Keep resisting man the FBI is listening

SUND3VlL · 2 points · Posted at 14:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven’t heard “book a taxi” in a while. Just goes to show how much things have changed and how quickly.

NeenjaFeesh · 1 points · Posted at 08:51:59 on April 12, 2019 · (Permalink)

Cue Patrick Star meme

ummm_im_confused · 14075 points · Posted at 23:33:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

As a 911 dispatcher I ended a 911 call with an accidental "I love you." Extremely awkward to say the least

Edit,: Wow! This blew up! Thank you all for making my biggest Reddit moment bigger than I ever imagined! And thank you kind stranger for the gold! Also, my husband (who doesn't Reddit) is quite amused at the response my blonde moment is getting

notadaleknoreally · 7274 points · Posted at 00:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ended a routine phone call with my boss with “love you, bye.” And hung up before I realized what I just did.

Boss hugged me when I got in and teased me for a week.

[deleted] · 4388 points · Posted at 00:25:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Sounds like a pretty nice boss :)

Edit: who gilded this? What a lovely human! I will get you a Christmas present!

[deleted] · 254 points · Posted at 00:28:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Bohmuffinzo_o · 315 points · Posted at 00:37:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, hugs

Nome_23 · 118 points · Posted at 00:42:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww

britnik96 · 102 points · Posted at 00:49:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
humicroav · 62 points · Posted at 00:58:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
[deleted] · 34 points · Posted at 01:16:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's just a deleted account linking some girl's ig pics

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 03:15:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's the concept of the sub that counts!

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 01:51:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spend most days hoping for hugs.

[deleted] · 30 points · Posted at 02:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't hug people because I'm so touch starved that I'm afraid I'd be way too huggy with the hug. I'm sorry friendly female coworker. it's not you, it's me.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 02:13:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I get that. I either linger a little close/long, or try to avoid that and end up with an avoidant back-patty dude hug and feel disappointed.

Cloudkid1227 · 8 points · Posted at 02:00:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

internet hugs

cleverlasagna · 7 points · Posted at 01:40:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

wholesome

blackmagicwolfpack · 3 points · Posted at 02:39:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Butt hugs.

Pritam1997 · 0 points · Posted at 14:24:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Butt hugs dried up shit.

Thor_PR_Rep · 2 points · Posted at 02:04:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Long con

freespiritrain · 12 points · Posted at 06:00:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The boss. The boss gilded you

major84 · 8 points · Posted at 06:07:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will get you a Christmas present!

I would love to get a BMW motorcycle :) Thanks

[deleted] · 26 points · Posted at 04:24:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow! You mentioned Christmas!

GUESS WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!

There are only 3 days, 1 hours, 36 minutes, and 1 seconds until Christmas Central Time US (UTC -6)

1486592 · 13 points · Posted at 05:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit

mr_remy · 7 points · Posted at 08:53:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good bot

CSKING444 · 5 points · Posted at 09:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hug me senpai

Edit: that sounded ... Not right

Valproic_acid · 0 points · Posted at 03:58:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then came the spanking

Alaira314 · 52 points · Posted at 00:31:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A customer on the phone did that to me the other week. I had a pretty good laugh over it, and I hope she wasn't too embarrassed!

FrenchFrySpainishFly · 17 points · Posted at 02:11:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally do it to the nurses in the NICU when I call and ask about my daughter. Great, thanks, love you, click.

3ar3ara_G0rd0n · 16 points · Posted at 03:03:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's acceptable. They save tiny lives. I would say the same thing too.

[deleted] · 35 points · Posted at 01:23:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always do it with my buddies over the phone. Because, if they don't say it I'll say "Say it back" and they always reply with "I'm not saying it back." Then everyone in the room will ask who it was and what did they want you to say back.

GoiterGlitter · 34 points · Posted at 01:10:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband ended a tense and awkward call with a micromanaging supervisor with "I love you" once. Gave the guy a false impression that my husband liked him and it was a brotherly statement, despite his treatment of a subordinate.

All future interactions are the most awkward thing I've ever witnessed as ex-manager thinks they're good ol pals and husband crawls in his skin until it's over.

Northern-Canadian · 22 points · Posted at 01:19:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this to my apprentice on accident... He said love you back.

Hilarity ensued.

backwardsbloom · 19 points · Posted at 01:52:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friend did this with a coworker in the middle of a call (she was texting it to her husband and said it out loud instead of what she meant to say) the coworker carried on as if nothing happened and after recognizing what happened my friend stopped the conversation to go “Wait, I tell you I love you and you don’t say anything back?”

MostlyDragon · 17 points · Posted at 01:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol!!! My boss did that to me once! He was going through airport security and had to get off the phone quickly. After explaining the situation, he said, “Love you, bye!” and ended the call. I sat there laughing for a solid minute, imagining him going through security thinking, “Shit, did I just say ‘Love you, bye’ to her???”

P0sitive_Outlook · 15 points · Posted at 02:34:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got off the radio to my boss and made a quick call home, left a message on the answerphone and said "Over" before waiting for a reply. I stuttered, apologized to the machine and hung up. That was an awkward-ass message to have to listen to again!

chalklinehero96 · 47 points · Posted at 00:59:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to my boss all the time and say "You know you love me, see ya." And he yells back "LOVE YOU!" As I'm walking away. 10/10 best boss because no homo.

MrsTroy · 12 points · Posted at 01:51:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a Dominos. The amount of people that end their orders with "love you, bye" is astoundingly high.

mcguire · 28 points · Posted at 02:25:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are bringing them pizza...

FirstManofEden · 8 points · Posted at 05:05:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We had a close family friend over for Thanksgiving and he offered to say the blessing before we ate. He had just worked a double shift. He said a typical, Thanksgiving Grace but instead of ending it with amen he said "thank ya very much, buh-bye"

lumabean · 6 points · Posted at 01:00:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone said that to the company gunny and that didnt turn out to well for him.

TDeny · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ouch... I sense an immense amount of fuckery involved afterwards

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 04:46:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao. This happened to me with my family's driver. I usually end calls with my dad with "bye, kisses" (yes i'm a dude, no its not gay). I was talking with him on the phone about running some errands. Yes, i sent kisses to our driver as i said bye. I wanted to die choking on my own vomit while i slept.

Scullys_Stunt_Double · 5 points · Posted at 04:28:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that to a workmate and then screamed down the phone in horror at him " NO I DON'T, NO I DON'T!!" and slammed the phone down and started laughing maniacally. He was a lovely, softly spoken older gentleman who thought it was hilarious.

shadowthunder · 4 points · Posted at 06:23:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in college, I was skyping with a high school classmate/former coworker just to catch up. We hadn't ever skyped before or chatted on the phone, and barely texted; don't remember why we decided skype then. At the end of the call, she signed off with "love you, bye", to which I instinctively replied "love you too".

I don't think she and I have talked since. I have no idea whether she meant anything by it (I think we had an unmentioned mutual crush when we were coworkers). One of those things I still occasionally wonder about.

Nesano · 3 points · Posted at 06:16:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I need to see you in my office."

Enters office to find it's lit by candles

Gatraz · 3 points · Posted at 06:56:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this with my boss and boss-to-be all the time. Our office/warehouse is constantly full of grown men calling each other honey and saying that our obstinent refusal to take out the trash is what's ruining our oddly-shaped marriage and that the abundant overtime is what drove the kids out of the house so early.

Boss-to-be is my best friend and we get into this stuff a lot in our day-to-day, what between his threatening to kill me and our fallacious marriage. I'm pretty sure at least a few gas station attendants are very sure we've had a lovely wedding this past summer when he married his now-wife.

takemeintotown · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant and I do this all the time at the end of togo orders on the phone lol.

iblamepaulsimon · 2 points · Posted at 02:07:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always get close to doing this on work calls. I end calls to all of my family work "love you" and use my personal cell for work. I guess my body just associates my cell with family.

erm4gundr · 2 points · Posted at 02:41:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't take this amount of wholesome omg

Moikepdx · 2 points · Posted at 09:31:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my co-worker friends had a running joke where whenever he got off the phone with anyone, as soon as the other party hung up he would say "Love you too, Jeff" before hanging up the phone.

Jeff was the president of the company.

DragonToothGarden · 2 points · Posted at 13:02:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OH OH! Your story reminded me of this boss who used to dictate letters to his secretary (eons ago, during the time of shorthand). Anyway, boss would dictate aloud a letter to his secretary, then for the "Sincerely" part, he'd say his usual joke of "kissy, kissy, huggie huggie". It was well known amongst his staff that that was shorthand for his formal sign-off.

Until the temp came in. And wrote a letter exactly as he dictated it, and the boss just blankly signed it as written, and out it went. The boss had some embarrassing explaining to do to the recipient, as the letter was regarding a very serious business agreement with another company.

TH3_ST0CK · 2 points · Posted at 02:18:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a scene in the office with Dwight and Jim that was very similar to this

casualhistrionics · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this too!

livefreeofdie · 1 points · Posted at 05:31:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is boss he or she?

Are you he or she?

dickpeckered · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that once with my boss but after I gave her a rim job.

NickDaGamer1998 · 1 points · Posted at 13:37:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Best boss.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:10:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plot twist: your boss is your SO

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:19 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this too but got, "love you too" as a response

Yoyo2061 · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the flip side, my boss ended a call with me by saying “I love you.”

WesleySnopes · -2 points · Posted at 00:58:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where I say that at the end of every phone call. I think I don't want to be.

Cleverusername531 · 2512 points · Posted at 00:03:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is cracking me up. I can’t decide whether i would feel reassured or just confused if I called 911 and the dispatcher told me they love me.

May I ask if you remember what kind of call it was?

ummm_im_confused · 2406 points · Posted at 00:07:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was a medical aid. The caller was beyond confused. My co-workers in the dispatch center were in absolute hysterics. I was mortified at the time but now it's one if my favorite memories from that job

lisbonant · 97 points · Posted at 00:40:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did they love you back?

major84 · 21 points · Posted at 06:09:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just replied with "I know"

Baron-of-bad-news · 61 points · Posted at 01:13:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Favourite memories of a dispatcher probably isn’t too competitive. I’m assuming people didn’t typically call you with good news.

pinkerton-- · 37 points · Posted at 05:58:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello, 9/11? My no-bake cookies just came out of the oven, and they are absolutely perfect!

random_guy-1234 · 50 points · Posted at 01:11:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out I guess

DoorHalfwayShut · 26 points · Posted at 01:52:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm interested in possibly becoming a 911 dispatcher. How did you end up getting that job? Did it pay enough? Please tell me a bit about it if you don't mind, thank you!

halyc0nAK · 45 points · Posted at 03:33:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It pays really well (19/hr and great benefits package where I was previously offered) and the best way to get it is to know your local cops... they can be found at your local gym between 3:45 am and 5:30am. Just smile be female be a maximum size 5 be pretty and casually mention you want to work as a dispatcher after they've collectively as a group hit on you a few times. Pay the most attention to the married ones. Yes, that is really how it works.

DoorHalfwayShut · 18 points · Posted at 06:21:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah, gotcha. I'll be getting a sex change, pronto!

ummm_im_confused · 8 points · Posted at 05:09:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sent you a message :)

AlexiaRose · 5 points · Posted at 07:35:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Depend where you live. Here 911 is city related so you apply on your city website. I did that. You start around 24$/h

Im now at medical calls only (here its both 911 but medical calls are dispatched to another place) I love it way more. Better money. Be ready to work nights. I’ma night owl so I really didn’t mind that either.

DoorHalfwayShut · 3 points · Posted at 09:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn, starting at $24/h doesn't seem normal, though.

AlexiaRose · 2 points · Posted at 12:46:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How so? Some 911 here start at 30$/h

To be fair tho its CAN $ im in QC

Edit: also you get bonus % for evenings, nights and weekends.

mskr1s · 2 points · Posted at 16:07:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The center I worked at before I switched careers started at 11.95 so ymmv

perfectlysafepengu1n · 4 points · Posted at 16:31:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also currently a 911 dispatcher, but I live near Atlanta and GA is one of the worst paying states for police, so here it is very underpaid and there is little opportunity for advancement. It also has a very high turnover rate and we are always hiring. I applied online, just look up your local police department or city/county government website and look for job openings. Happy to answer any questions if you have any!

TheUnstoppableAnus · 12 points · Posted at 03:07:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't do it

AlexiaRose · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why? I love it.

TheUnstoppableAnus · 1 points · Posted at 16:21:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poverty

mermaid-babe · 8 points · Posted at 08:36:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One evening, due to overtime and switches, we got all the 20-30 year olds on the same squad for a night shift. We were having a grand old time just busting each other and chatting. We were giving one of my co workers shit cause he was barely answering the phone. So to make a point he turns and picks up the phone the next ring and goes “hello? ... uh Wait I mean city police operator name.” I thought I was gonna pass out from laughing so hard. I had tears rolling down my face and he’s trying to take this call and we’re all I stitches watching him. Harmless mistakes really make great memories in our field

Somescrubpriest · 5 points · Posted at 11:04:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish I had the emotional fortitude to do that kind of job. It's exactly the hard but incredibly rewarding kind of job I'd like to do.

But to the topic at hand that's pretty funny and if I had that happen to me I'd definitely laugh at it. Maybe not at the time. But definitely one day.

fredpwickerbill · 2 points · Posted at 15:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out

clichebot9000 · 6 points · Posted at 15:10:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit cliché noticed: Username checks out

Phrase noticed: 558 times.

[deleted] · 61 points · Posted at 00:47:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a client calling about euthanizing his dog and ended it with "have a great day!" This was an hour ago and I am kicking myself.

ummm_im_confused · 29 points · Posted at 01:01:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Oh man! I feel your pain. I've been there... Told a woman who had been widowed for all of 15 minutes to "have a nice day." Still feel waves of embarrassment over that one

notkristina · 24 points · Posted at 01:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have greeted people with "hey! how's it goin'?" at their loved one's funeral. It was like I was watching from a distance, helpless to stop the words.

scheru · 2 points · Posted at 04:22:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh no.

lolthrash · 10 points · Posted at 01:21:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

maybe he really hated the dog and it is a great day

pleasereturnto · 13 points · Posted at 01:35:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

you're a glass half full kind of guy, I can feel it

lolthrash · 3 points · Posted at 01:44:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

just trying to consider all possibilities man

smelltogetwell · 5 points · Posted at 01:51:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

lolthrash · 3 points · Posted at 01:54:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

thank you, "u/smelltogetwell"

mr_punchy · 45 points · Posted at 00:21:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ive had to call 911 twice in my life, and I can assure you on those days a little extra love wouldnt have hurt a bit.

vankr · -3 points · Posted at 00:57:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

was you lonely and scared?

VikaWiklet · 35 points · Posted at 00:58:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Autopilot on the phone can be rough -- I was answering an embassy phone once while on the midnight shift and had just been browsing a lingerie catalog while waiting for calls to come in: instead of answering "Hello, American Embassy," I said "Hello, American underwear," since I had been reading that word just as I answered. Ouch. Luckily they were not English speaking.

HellaBrainCells · 18 points · Posted at 00:29:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welcome to Costco, I love you.

rusky333 · 16 points · Posted at 00:41:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Call center employee here. I get probably 1 or 2 customers a month who end the cal with me saying "love you bye" always makes me laugh.

poohead150 · 23 points · Posted at 00:36:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a first responder, I pulled up to a drive thru and said my radio call sign to the microphone...

Toothpaste_Lover · 11 points · Posted at 01:20:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in hospitality and once called 911 to politely ask “I’d like to order a police car please”

The dispatcher was not impressed

whenhaveiever · 9 points · Posted at 00:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know if you're allowed to tell us, but what kind of call was it?

bluesox · 7 points · Posted at 00:14:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hopefully an emergency call, otherwise they were wasting our damn tax dollars.

lolthrash · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

bro it's Reddit and everyone is anonymous

JayAreOhhh · 9 points · Posted at 01:54:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fellow 911 dispatcher, I've done this too.

Also, hanging up with a Robbery Victim "have a good one"...whoops. too late for that.

moonbleu · 5 points · Posted at 07:35:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Call taker here. I have a habit of using "perfect" as punctuation like saying "okay". Said "perfect" during a medical with a clearly deceased patient. Nothing at all was perfect about any of it. Everytime I remember it I almost audible go "Oof"

JayAreOhhh · 2 points · Posted at 13:14:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Perfect!

treylanford · 8 points · Posted at 02:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not something I do, per de, but the other way around that is still hilarious:

As a firefighter-medic, after I drop a patient off at the hospital ER, I will often say, “Hope you get to feeling better..”

Like clockwork, I’ll get “Thank you” about 80% of the time; the other 20% I’ll get a “You too!”

Nyltiak23 · 4 points · Posted at 03:09:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a food delivery driver. I often walk away saying "Enjoy your food!" And most respond saying "you too!" And the second later shame is palpable

treylanford · 1 points · Posted at 13:15:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this shit to servers all the time.

I hate myself for a solid 10 seconds after.

perfectlysafepengu1n · 6 points · Posted at 02:37:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also a 911 dispatcher and accidentally end with "have a good one!" for tragic calls way too often. Another funny one: my coworker was taking a vehicle accident call and trying to get vehicle descriptions but accidentally mixed words and asked "what color is the ground?" And before he could correct it, the caller answered innocently without hesitation "Like a dark brownish?" We were all rolling on the floor

ummm_im_confused · 3 points · Posted at 04:54:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's a good RP, answering questions as they're asked :)

penrk94 · 5 points · Posted at 09:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a call taker, too, and one of my favorite embarrassing moments is when, instead of asking for a public service (which for us means phone call), I asked one of my officers for a "personal service". My Sgt. texted me the correct phrase, and said "by the way, I'm pulled over on the side of the road because I couldn't drive from laughing so hard"

laughing-tree · 4 points · Posted at 00:54:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha good thing none of my loved ones ever call me so I don’t have to worry about this

PeriodicallyATable · 2 points · Posted at 02:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is too real

Dcrev4thewin · 3 points · Posted at 01:17:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just busted out in laughter at the gym like a madman hahaha thank you!

gwaydms · 3 points · Posted at 05:08:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aaahh! I've absentmindedly said that to random people on the phone. They laugh and say it's ok. Glad I'm not the only one

Death_To_Your_Family · 5 points · Posted at 05:11:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on phones for an insurance company and have done this as well. After I said it, I could hear the guy say under his breath, "did she just say I love you?" As he was hanging up. Quite embarrassing.

txdragoon · 3 points · Posted at 05:44:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow haha. I had a co-worker leave her home phone on a 911 callback. Cant tell you how many times I answered my home phone "911" or "Police Department."

jessiwesty · 4 points · Posted at 07:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a 911 dispatcher too and a few days ago I was ending the call and the female on the other end says "love you...uh bye" and disconnected. Clearly she's used to talking to her kids on the phone, and freaked out mid-sentence. It sure made me laugh tho. 😂

AlexiaRose · 3 points · Posted at 07:31:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same job, a coworker called the person on the line mom. She was trying to get her attention with M’am but said MOM LISTEN TO ME.

Naytica · 3 points · Posted at 02:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ended a work email with "Thank you for your help. <3" once. And I pressed send before I noticed what happened.. this was before gmail added the undo button.

Damn my ex and out habit of using <3 at every fucking sentence.

MassaF1Ferrari · 3 points · Posted at 05:10:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend is so bad at this that she just says ‘love you’ to every one of her friends she talks to on the phone. Embrace it.

snoflaking · 3 points · Posted at 05:54:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a police dispatcher on a college campus. A lot of art students would come and check out keys for the art building and would have to give us their drivers license in exchange for the key.

I had gotten so used to it when they would come up and ask, I asked a blind guy for his drivers license. The rest of the dispatchers never let me forget it.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 08:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally butt dialed a cop I knew ( I had his number for sorta emergencies since I worked third shift at a gas station and he frequented the area)

Accidentally called him, realized and talked to him for a minute. He asked if I was okay, I said yeah, butt dial. Sorry. And he told me he was out with his wife, we caught up for a few minutes. I ended the call with "Bye babe"

Pretty sure his wife heard it. I felt mortified when I saw him while I was working later that week.

I apologized, thankfully they didn't even notice I said that. So I embarrassed myself twice by apologizing.

Snowfrosted · 3 points · Posted at 08:54:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God I have the worst of these. I did this once with a guy I was dating. Sounds cute and all, it's just I was already planning to break up with him.

We were on the phone and I was rushing to catch a train, and said it in a hurry as I rushed down the stairs. I kind of froze and was like "shit" and felt like an ass. I quickly fumbled another goodbye greeting and rushed to the train, hoping he didn't hear me.

I don't know if he did, but later when I did try to break up with him, he wouldn't have it, but I don't know if that's related or just, another issue with the relationship.....

tightheadband · 3 points · Posted at 10:21:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the same time, had it been the last words the person on the other side of the phone heard, it's not so bad.

Joonicks · 3 points · Posted at 13:11:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

these days, love is cheap.

leaky_cauldron_cakes · 3 points · Posted at 13:12:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often pick up my cellphone and answer with “911, what’s the location of your emergency?” That really freaks telemarketers out... my family is pretty used to it at this point though.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 13:52:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a dispatcher too, this just made me cry tears laughing. Thankfully I haven't done THAT yet.

Lukendless · 3 points · Posted at 14:25:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I got a sales call from a nice older lady looking for donations for I don't even know what. I told her right away I was a broke college kid and jokingly asked if she could donate anything to me. We chatted for a while about school and girls and life and then went to say bye and I said, "Ok, love you, bye!" Without hesitating she goes, "Love you too sweetie, talk to you later, bye!" Was one of the most genuine and weird experiences I've ever had. I have no idea who that woman was and will likely never talk to her again.

Same thing happened with a real estate agent I got a call back from on an apt I was looking at. Talked to her for about 2 hours then said "Love you, bye!" And she responded "Love you too." I felt so awkward about it in retrospect I ended up not following up on the apt at all haha. After the conversation I was just like, wtf were we even doing?

inferno006 · 3 points · Posted at 14:31:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once accidentally said “You’re responding for the Shit pain” over the air, instead of the appropriate Chest Pain. Had no idea. Co-dispatcher is in hysterics next to me trying to tell me what I did and I’m like no f-ing way. We played the dispatch recordings and sure enough, it was Shit Pain.

Omny87 · 3 points · Posted at 17:09:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's like the 911 dispatcher version of calling your teacher "mom"

Ivanstyg · 3 points · Posted at 19:38:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Rusty-Hinge · 2 points · Posted at 01:32:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My accounts girl said that to me once.. She quickly corrected it to "wait.. uhh.. thank you"

Breedwell · 2 points · Posted at 02:29:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have to mentally not say that when hanging up the phone sometimes lol especially if its like a nice or friendly caller.

Misto88 · 2 points · Posted at 02:48:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I enjoy messing with my coworkers when they get off the phone sometimes with supervision and I tell them that they just said love you bye. They almost always take a moment in disbelief attempt to recall the end of the phone call and then shrug it off with a laugh and say it must be habit from talking to the wife

cupofbee · 0 points · Posted at 07:54:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Isn't that gaslighting?

LalalaHurray · 2 points · Posted at 02:52:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And recorded no less!

Kierlikepierorbeer · 2 points · Posted at 03:14:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m cracking up so darn hard right now!!!! Thank you

Nohkturnal · 2 points · Posted at 03:31:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of the officer who cleared his radio traffic with, "Thanks, love you" to one of my shiftmates one time. We still dont let either of them forget it.

ummm_im_confused · 2 points · Posted at 03:44:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha! Awesome!

QualinHightower · 2 points · Posted at 06:12:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Bye Stanley, Love you"

kooshipuff · 2 points · Posted at 06:15:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our support people do this all the time. There should be a jar.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:23:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once said "I love you" to xbox support. I didnt even notice until he said a quiet little "...aww "

PolioKitty · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"You know what? False alarm. Just let me die please."

ColbusMaximus · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

user name checks out

STRAIGHTUPGANGS · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof

Peach_Banana_Phone · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got an I love you on the first date. Noped right out of there!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a theater employee me and a coworker would end some phone calls with "love you bye" for kicks.

SatansHotDog · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this on purpose before hanging up with customer service reps or like restaurant hostesses.

usernamy · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Someone killed my father Helen I don’t need this”

wer3987 · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 15 I was on the phone making a follow up appointment with the optometrist and ended the call with "I love you, bye". I was rather embarrassed but she didn't seem to mind the compliment.

Aztec_Reaper · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That would make me feel a lot better to be honest. I rarely hear that phrase at home and it makes me sad. I know my family has love for each other, but we don't say it. I really wish someone would say it to me. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Dave5876 · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out.

Lanxy · 1 points · Posted at 10:55:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

also: username checks out!

Wubbalubadumdum · 1 points · Posted at 12:29:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out

Nerdburton · 1 points · Posted at 15:26:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Best part of being single, I never have to worry about saying that on autopilot.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:27:13 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m pircturing the call as a suicidal person and your “I love you” totally saved the day.

philosophers_groove · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you for this, stranger. :)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am currently feeding my baby to sleep and desperately tried not to laugh but this was too funny! Worth waking the baby for 😂

Snarkysandwiches · 39 points · Posted at 00:10:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school, a friend of mine was doing the morning announcements on the intercom for the whole school, and at the end, she said, "Amen."

The whole school erupted into laughter. Including me. I feel bad for laughing now, I'm sure she was so embarrassed!

GALACTICA-Actual- · 10 points · Posted at 01:59:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a Buddhist/atheist who sometimes went to mass with my family (raised an atheist, but some of my family are RC) so I unconsciously say “and also with you” sometimes.

It’s doubly weird when it’s to someone saying “may the force be with you.”

emanreveIc · 22 points · Posted at 00:09:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend once called a male Panda Express worker “babe”... I laughed at him a lot externally to cover up my second hand embarrassment.

yellowstuff · 2 points · Posted at 02:44:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe this will make you feel better.

GolBlessIt · 20 points · Posted at 00:54:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom once did this to a woman from church that she didn’t really care for anyhow (pretty sure the feeling was mutual). This particular lady was what I’d call a CCL, or crazy Catholic Lady (homeschooling, family planning, homophobic etc) and my mom is a very loud liberal Catholic (pro birth control, pro choice, vocal defender of all human rights).

Anyhow I could tell that by the end of the conversation my mom had switched to auto pilot when she said “I love you, bye”. After she hung up she just paused - thinking about what had happened.

So immediately I knew and was dying. I faux casually asked her “mom, wasn’t that CCL?” and she closed her eyes for a moment and quietly said yes. “And you, you just told her you loved her?” Again, quietly the answer was yes. “What did she say back?” “Um she sort of paused and finally said “okay, bye”.

By the end I was literally crying with laughter.

This was 20 plus years ago and I’m fairly certain that they never spoke or interacted again, I’m positive that CCL thought my mom was a latent lesbian or something and coming for her. 😂😂😂

My mom (while straight) is the type of person that would have totally disapproved of CCL‘s horrified homophobic reaction and therefore would not have bothered to set her straight. She’s more indignant- Like, so what if I was gay, get over it CCL type of thing.

Good times!!

SlippingStar · 19 points · Posted at 00:20:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve told my fiancée I love him in my sleep, he responded, “And I love you,” and I said, “I love you,” again.

DevGlow · 17 points · Posted at 00:28:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine had a job interview and at the end as he was leaving the interviewer said “Nice to meet you” and he auto pilot responded to her with “I love you too”

Juicy awkwardness.

JAproofrok · 12 points · Posted at 01:31:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to run to Starbucks for my gal, whom I co-own a small business with. Don’t mind; gets me out and about for a while; generally am very absent-minded whilst doing these errands.

Always ask her to text me her order, as I am not a coffee drinker—thus, certainly don’t know the Starbucks lingo.

“Venti Skinny Mocha, babe” is the text. Read it verbatim to the very nice young man working the counter.

He smiled.

spenardagain · 12 points · Posted at 01:37:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boss did this once on the phone. We were wrapping up our conversation, and I could tell he was multi-tasking and getting distracted. So I said something like “Ok, then, I guess we’ll just plan to talk next week.” And he said “Uh huh, love you, bye” and hung up.

I laughed for like a week. Don’t think he ever realized what he said.

Cpt_Clam · 10 points · Posted at 00:58:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love that most replies to this comment are people that have done the same thing, but that we all recognise this as an auto pilot response, which means it's a behaviour or phrase that we use a lot, and so everyone here is saying 'i love you' a lot in their everyday life and it makes me happy that so many people have so much love in their lives. :) LOVE

ShoulderChip · 1 points · Posted at 18:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, I say it to my wife every phone call, and there was once i almost accidentally said it to my female supervisor. That was a bit awkward.

JAproofrok · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:39 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very good point!! I sincerely and earnestly adore folk who find these paths of logic and reasoning—and ensure to elucidate just how loving some of we humans can be.

Yaaaa, man: Keep on this!!

Cpt_Clam · 2 points · Posted at 23:43:04 on February 12, 2019 · (Permalink)

Can I just say, a month later, that your comment really made me feel nice. Thank you.

Baronheisenberg · 10 points · Posted at 01:07:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Prof_Explodius · 2 points · Posted at 02:46:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah, here it is.

floralcode · 10 points · Posted at 01:00:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn it must be nice to say “I love you too” so often that you just accidentally start saying it to the wrong person

Alextrovert · 5 points · Posted at 02:14:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
floralcode · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should come join us at r/alex

Alextrovert · 3 points · Posted at 03:43:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't believe I'm feeling semantic satiation for my own name. Subbed I guess...

soulsnax · 8 points · Posted at 01:48:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work with this one very attractive woman that everyone crushed on, including me.

We worked so closely together that it got to the point where I simply forgot that she was an attractive woman. I was saying goodbye to her once, when I accidentally said, “okay man, talk to you later... no I mean, woman. I don’t think you’re a man.”

classiercourtheels · 14 points · Posted at 00:01:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My former boss had to go to another town on business and was texting me and his wife at the same time. His last text to me said, my phone is dying, I love you!

And he didn’t realize until the next day when he came into work and I said I love you too! He turned bright red but his wife got a good laugh out of it!

VodkaFairy · 5 points · Posted at 00:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have the opposite problem. I take calls for work and I end them all with some variant of "I hope you have a fantastic day!" And after I say I love you to my husband I start to say it. He laughs every time.

Doogie82 · 5 points · Posted at 00:24:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this ALL the time. Then I wait for a reply. If it’s anything other than those 3 words I say “Say it back” while gritting my teeth.

Drumlin · 5 points · Posted at 01:48:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Married construction superintendent here. I spend most of my time in the field with only intermittent interaction with the office.

One of the project coordinators called me to ask about a subcontractor's invoice, and I ended the call with "Thanks. Love You, Babe." She was fairly new, and I had never met her in person.

The worst part of it was being in the field and knowing she was going to be telling everyone else in the office what I said.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 00:17:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some reason I thought you were talking about your wife’s husband and was very confused

freezing_cat_typhoon · 4 points · Posted at 01:10:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of when someone told me happy birthday and I said "thanks you too"

BlackiceKoz · 3 points · Posted at 06:40:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandma ended a call from my dance instructor with "I love you." Out of habit.

Naturally, she made it worse. At my next lesson, she clarified it as so: "I don't love you that way! I love you like a son."

overbend · 7 points · Posted at 01:30:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My students frequently call me “mom” or “mommy” by accident and they always get so embarrassed, it’s hilarious. I’ve also been called the names of most of their other teachers, siblings’ names, even dad and grandma (I’m a mid-20s woman). Sometimes these things just slip out naturally when you’re not thinking. It happens to everyone.

Foibles5318 · 3 points · Posted at 00:28:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boss once sent me an email with some curt instructions and signed it “I love you”. I’m 99% sure he emailed back and forth all day with his new wife and got his signatures mixed up but I never mentioned it and neither did he. That was 10+ years ago and it still haunts me.

g_em_ini · 3 points · Posted at 01:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ordered pizza a few weeks ago and told the guy who took my order “love you, bye!”... In my defense, I was extremely hungover

davefrancoast · 3 points · Posted at 01:13:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in middle school I was leaving my friend’s house and said “good bye, love you!” but even worse, I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the forehead to her utter disgust and my complete embarrassment.... the day before I had a family party so I guess my family goodbyes bled over into the next day

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:41:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's great you're in the habit of saying I love you!

CTalina78 · 3 points · Posted at 05:10:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my stars you reminded me of a waaaay awkward thing that happened when I was 18.

I was friends with a guy who had a major crush on me. We were in a ballet together, and one day I called him to ask some info about extra rehearsals that week and accidentally ended the call with “ok thanks, love you, bye”

I prayed that he hadn’t heard that, but next rehearsal as I arrived he got up in front of everybody and received me with a rose and attempted to hug and kiss me.

Had to explain in front of everybody it was an automatic thing because I always said that when I hung up a call with my boyfriend.

CVBrownie · 3 points · Posted at 06:05:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i worked at good ol kinko's a few years back and we had this one woman customer who was absolutely amazing. She was early 60s, kinda heavy set, and so incredibly nice. She sang for a living, and she would hand me a card and tell me when I got married she would come sing for free. She would give us hugs and tell us we were precious...just fucking adored her.

So one day she's leaving the store, she says bye and I just go "by love you!". my coworker looked over at me, i thought about it and was just like 'yep! i love you! you're amazing!'

i miss her.

AGirlHasNoName9 · 3 points · Posted at 07:52:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the house of a coworker of my husband where I've never been before. When other guests arrived and I was introduced, I said 'welcome' in stead of my name..

MambyPamby8 · 3 points · Posted at 08:11:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha new work colleague in my job hung up the phone to a customer one day and start wetting herself laughing. We're all watching her giggle hysterically and going wtf? When she was saying goodbye to the customer, he just said ok love you Hun! Hahaha! what's even funnier is this customer is a real dry shite type person, always super serious etc so imagining him saying it, makes it even funnier.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:24:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did door to door sales right out of college. Someone said "Okay bye, love you!" to me as I was leaving. That made my day.

ParkLaineNext · 2 points · Posted at 00:14:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost did that on a conference call

LZ__ · 2 points · Posted at 00:21:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dont know how many times I've ended phone calls with friends, family, and random people by saying I love you. It's just a natural response for me

Mortimer452 · 2 points · Posted at 00:27:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A coworker once said "love you bye" on the phone to me right before hanging up. She turned absolutely beet red the next time I saw her.

ValraBellkeys · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read that as "my wife and her husband..." at first.

ckalm719 · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a cashier at Home Depot and every once in a while a manager will call me on our work phones to see if I need anything. Without fail, no matter who it is, before I hang up I always say “Love you, bye.” Only half of the managers have come to expect it. The other ones say nothing and hang up

TeniBear · 2 points · Posted at 09:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stayed with my cousin for a few weeks once, when their son was a newborn, and on the first morning I was there I was playing with the baby on my lap. Cousin’s husband kissed Cousin goodbye, then leaned over to kiss his son... I leaned into the kiss instead. It’s been eighteen years and I’m still mortified.

SometimesIBleed · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a call center worker, this is my nightmare.

haxies · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

colleague at work to me “thanks babe”

gunswordfist · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've said "You too" so many times whenever a delivery person says enjoy. A lot of the time I can't help but think of this CalebCity skit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCXW4DsjzH0&t=58s

thinkscotty · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife is a therapist and she has lots of close therapist friends. They all do this unironically and sincerely haha.

jaspersgirl1411 · 1 points · Posted at 05:35:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but my boss is very matronly over the phone some times. I know one of these days I’m going to end a call with “ok love you bye”. I’m dreading that day.

SomeHSomeE · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ended a work call with smoochie smoochie sounds once (I'd been speaking to my granma a few hours earlier)

Jessicazopl · 1 points · Posted at 12:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work on the phone to a patient I tried to say “lovely” and “thank you” at the same time and ended up saying “love you”. Now THAT’S embarrassing.

tattooedjenny · 1 points · Posted at 14:54:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say 'I love you' to my friends, because I do love them. I grew up in a house where 'I love you' wasn't really a thing, and it took a long time for me to be able to say it regularly, but I'm so glad I do.

Minenash_ · 1 points · Posted at 16:03:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my house "Love ya" is also used as a goodbye, but you're just going somewhere else in the house, and I've almost said it to my friends a few times.

SadStarSpaceStation · 1 points · Posted at 16:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to always say I love you to the guy who took my pizza order over the phone. He never said it back but it was still hilarious.

Houndmama87 · 1 points · Posted at 16:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn I did that too...but a little worse, because I texted that.Instead of my boyfriend I texted my roommate and said...Can't wait for tonight, we re gonna take a ride on the invisible plane(sex) so grab a ticket( condom)love you....i got a "Uh...what?!" This is George. Back so I was pretty embrassed😨 Thank God he probably did not get the plane reference lol

-SQB- · 1 points · Posted at 17:28:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Doorknob11 · 1 points · Posted at 17:42:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my ex were dating for a few weeks and we definitely weren’t at the ‘I love you’ phase. Well everyday my mom would drop me off at school and I’d always say ‘love you’ when I got out of the car. So one night my ex was dropping me off at home and I just said ‘love you’ and got out of the car. It took me 30 seconds to realize what I had just done. It was super awkward.

JustHalfBlack · 0 points · Posted at 00:54:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What's ansible?

YethFaru · 15179 points · Posted at 21:50:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Just today I went to the grocery store, packed everything into my backpack at self check-out and went home. As soon as I got home I remembered I never actually paid.

EDIT: To all those asking if I went back and paid, I did. As soon as I noticed, I went back, swiped my card in the self check-out and got it over with. Nobody had even noticed. The store is about 300m from my apartment complex.

For clarification (as to how I got away with it): The self check-out works by swiping your personal discount card, then grabbing a scanner that lights up. You scan all your items before putting them into your cart/basket. When you're done, you put the scanner back, then go to one of the self check-out registers, swipe your discount card again to create a bill to pay, then pay it using your debit card. I did everything except swipe my card and pay, since I usually do all this BEFORE packing everything. Yesterday I was worried if they'd fit so I wanted to find out first, put them all into my backpack and then went my merry way without a second thought.

runasaur · 5259 points · Posted at 00:03:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For me it was: pay, take bags, walk home.

Get home "wait... I drove didn't I..." I left the car in the parking lot.

I walked and took the bus for practically all of my 20's so it was muscle memory to walk home.

indienial · 3080 points · Posted at 00:42:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got my licence at age 25 after moving from the city to a tiny town. I was so used to walking everywhere that one day I drove somewhere, forgot I’d driven and walked back to work. Finished work, thought “oh, my car’s not there, must have walked in today” so walked home. Got home, car’s not there, thought “oh, must have left it at mum’s”.... it wasn’t there, wasn’t at the shops or the pool. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone if they had seen it and had absolutely no idea where I’d left it so just kept walking everywhere for three or four days. Eventually my housemate spotted it and asked if I was ever going to pick it up.

LeaAnne94 · 239 points · Posted at 02:36:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd freak if I couldn't find my car. What did you say to your housemate?

indienial · 263 points · Posted at 03:31:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s probably worth mentioning that it was a $500 car, in a town of about 2500 people so it was unlikely to have been stolen. It was just a matter of working out where it was.

klassykitty · 65 points · Posted at 09:55:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cousin was having construction done on her street one day. She goes to leave and her cars gone. Thinking it got towed, she called the company asking if they towed it. They say no, so she reports it stolen. She goes into the police station to fill out the report, and when the officer hears what kind of car it was he told her "Go back home, I guarantee it's around the corner somewhere. Nobody steals that kind of car." (I forget the model)

The construction co had it moved around the corner.

PurpleProboscis · 21 points · Posted at 15:45:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So who the fuck stole my '93 Cavalier with no muffler then?! I've wondered this for years.

pennyraingoose · 8 points · Posted at 18:53:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably the same guy that stole my buddy's Nissan with a missing side mirror and a belt squeal on startup that sounded like a screaming yeti.

PurpleProboscis · 2 points · Posted at 22:46:11 on December 29, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha I laughed picturing a thief starting that one up and being so confused. Thanks for that!

Not_usually_right · 8 points · Posted at 18:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude, I saw it around the corner.

[deleted] · 26 points · Posted at 08:48:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like a fun little Schnitzeljagd

0RGASMIK · 65 points · Posted at 02:46:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it were me I’d just say ah that’s where I left it.

indienial · 72 points · Posted at 03:29:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah pretty much. I was like “oh, yeah, I’d better go and get it I guess”, all nonchalant. But I am fairly sure she knew I had no idea where it was.

[deleted] · 27 points · Posted at 05:15:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know, I think my car is the only thing I’m consistently close to.

pepcorn · 33 points · Posted at 05:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. Car is great and I love him dearly

Celiac_Sally · 21 points · Posted at 07:40:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Please tell me your car's name is Car and that you refer to it as he all the time, and that I am not the only weirdo to do this.

pepcorn · 17 points · Posted at 08:28:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually, he has a people name :) and yes, we always refer to him as him. We talk to him and give him compliments on long journeys.

Car is "auto" in my language and doesn't sound as cool as the English word! I love your name for your car.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 08:56:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Personenkraftfahrzeug is a good word for car.

Trigonix · 6 points · Posted at 09:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a German, we mainly use Auto and in some more Formal ways PKW for Personenkraftwagen. Because we are efficient and safe time you know ;)

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:30:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weeß ick doch.

pepcorn · 5 points · Posted at 09:21:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm Belgian, not German

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:31:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whats the belgian too long to write word for car?

pepcorn · 1 points · Posted at 18:32:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Personenvoertuig for the Flemish half 😊 I have no idea what the "kraft" part in the German word stands for

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:22:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It means "force" or "power". Its a powered personal vehicle(wagon), a Kraft-personen-wagen(fahrzeug). Now put in the correct order its a fullblown Personenkraftwagen, a PKW. Or Auto.

pepcorn · 2 points · Posted at 20:40:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So powered by the persons? 😊

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:23:35 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, that could be one way to understand it. No more like selfpowered. Automobile.

K4mp3n · 1 points · Posted at 11:22:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sorry

werkytwerky · 7 points · Posted at 16:13:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

my family's always named their cars.
Best story: Years ago, parents got a white windstar mini van. After some discussion, it became Moby Dick. Not too long after that, the check engine light came on. No one could figure out why. After lots of testing and poking and prodding, nothing came up, so we tentatively drove down to Orlando for a week. While the CHeck Engine light went off and on sporadically, we experienced no actual issues.
During the trip, we found a front end decorative plate for the movie Jaws. Bought, it put it on the front of the van and renamed it.
Never saw the check engine light again til something actually broke.

pepcorn · 2 points · Posted at 20:40:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, that's awesome 🌟🐳

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:51:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

pepcorn · 3 points · Posted at 08:53:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not German, I'm Belgian :)

ZWQncyBkaWNr · 8 points · Posted at 07:09:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bus, bike, and carpool a lot. I do always have my keys, wallet, and phone on me. Every time I walk through a doorway I give myself a patdown keys-wallet-phone check. Those are the things I'm consistently close to.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:57:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

With wide pants even more often.

the_saurus15 · 24 points · Posted at 04:39:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once parked my car downtown (250,000 people) got blackout, and cabbed home. Took 2 days to find my car...

weswes43 · 6 points · Posted at 09:34:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I parked my car downtown that long where I live, I'd be checking the impound lot first lol

the_saurus15 · 2 points · Posted at 16:03:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weekend. No meters

SunRendSeraph · 21 points · Posted at 04:19:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude where's my car?

Toinfinityplusone · 2 points · Posted at 18:34:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where's your car, dude?

mss5333 · 27 points · Posted at 02:46:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled the ol' Ashton Kutcher, did you?

bv9900 · 8 points · Posted at 05:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He just casually lost his car instead of the keys...

Spetchen · 6 points · Posted at 12:12:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend's dad lost his car in London once after a night out. Never found it.

DeemDNB · 4 points · Posted at 10:01:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LMAO I don't think I've ever heard of somebody misplacing their car.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 12:15:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

SUND3VlL · 2 points · Posted at 14:56:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s possible. I work about 15 feet from my bed.

brokengoose · 3 points · Posted at 12:16:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The trick is to remember that you're in a tiny town. Go to the police. Admit what happened. They'll get a laugh out of it. And they'll go looking for your car because they don't have anything else going on.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude, you need some ginko biloba

Darkendevil · 2 points · Posted at 06:18:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually cant breathe omfg

Lallipoplady · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hilarious!

orthodoxrebel · 105 points · Posted at 00:13:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuck. I did this one time, and wound up leaving it overnight because I didn't realize it until I went to go somewhere in the morning.

It was towed, and I had to pay $300+ to get it out of impound.

trekie4747 · 6 points · Posted at 01:50:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Watching cars get towed on the gtoger channel is oddly satisfying.

orthodoxrebel · 3 points · Posted at 02:43:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd get triggered, haha

needhelpmovingon66 · 4 points · Posted at 03:45:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One experience with a towing company can be enough to haunted someone forever.

orthodoxrebel · 3 points · Posted at 03:50:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mother fuckers charge you per day, where you pretty much have two days no matter what. Then they charge you a fee for getting your car out of the lot. And for taking your car to the lot. Then if it's the weekend, for opening the lot. Then for the hourly rate for taking your car to the lot. Then the hourly rate for the guy to open the lot.

Elaquore · 49 points · Posted at 00:51:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live less than a minute walk from the supermarket, so I never drive there, unless very occasionally if I need something and I'm on my way home from somewhere else.
I have lived here for almost 11 years now and you would not believe the amount of times I've stopped in the supermarket on my way home, got my bread and milk, walked home and not realised until the morning that I left my car at the supermarket overnight. Again.
This is why I don't have a dog.
Also this reminds me, many years ago I took my mums dog for a walk and stopped in the supermarket. Tied the dog up outside, walked back to my mums, 'where's the dog?' swift about face and go back for the dog. Lucky only a 5 minute walk each way.
I do have children, never left one in the supermarket yet. There's still time. My 5 year old was home sick from school a few weeks ago and I went to the supermarket. When I pay she likes to go play in the passport photo booth. This day I wouldn't let her in case I forgot her as I'm not used to having children with me in the daytime any more.
Sorry for the essay, every joke line I wrote reminded me of something else that fits the reply!

GALACTICA-Actual- · 6 points · Posted at 02:29:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don’t apologize, that was amazing lol

It is the exact same reason I carry a big-ass purse with me. I have left small ones way more times than I feel comfortable admitting to. Luckily in Japan, or at least my rural corner of it, it usually results in a confused sales person running after me trying to speak English to tell me I forgot it, or am older, wiser clerk holding on to it for when I’ll be back profusely apologizing in 15 minutes. Or it just sits on the table until I come back, red faced.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 01:20:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I loved it! Keep it up, mate :)

PM_me_ur_launch_code · 39 points · Posted at 00:28:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was out of town opening a new store for my company. On opening day they had us park in a satellite lot and shuttled us to the store. Well I got off work around the same time as others I knew and they had parked at the store. I asked for a ride back to the hotel. I get to my room and remember my car is at the satellite lot

That was fun

callmethevanman · 31 points · Posted at 00:41:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving an audition at my school once and walked to the train with my friends. We waited for fifteen minutes at the platform, the train arrived and my leg was halfway through the door before I remembered I had driven that day and my car was half a block away. Had to call the explanation out to them as the doors were closing

OreoHustler · 20 points · Posted at 00:51:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you’re with your friend and in a conversation you can easily forget shit like that.

Ignem_Aeternum · 11 points · Posted at 02:20:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in a rural area in a country in ways of development, so there was so little restriction on who could drive like ten years ago, and my father decided giving me his motorcycle was a good idea since he couldn't use it and I would save on the bus fare.

One time my classes ended at 1030h, I proceeded to go and wait for a whole hour for the bus. There I was mad at the slow bus driver. When the bus finally arrives, I am waiting as the last person in the line, I have my money ready. Finally the person in front of me gets in the bus, I had one foot in the stairs, when this feeling struck me. My motorcycle, fuck!

I ran half a kilometer in a matter of seconds, I retrieved my helmet and took the motorcycle. The good part is that I made it to my home before the frigging bus did, and had some change for a chocolate.

Ergand · 5 points · Posted at 03:34:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a twitch streamer/YouTuber named Day9 that did that, but didnt realize it until the next day, after he had reported it stolen. He has a video about it.

P0sitive_Outlook · 4 points · Posted at 02:47:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, my bike is in the shop for repairs and i had to get a lift from work to the shop and back home with my bike in the back of the van. Otherwise i woulda taken the bus and never minded about the van. We drove from work all the way home and i was like "Shit". Bike's still at the shop.

I also once panicked because i was in town and hadn't locked my bike up - i just had the bike lock in my bag. Shit-shit-shit i hope nobody's taken it. Nope, it was at home where i'd left it that morning, i'd just left my lock in my bag. :|

tmn-loveblue · 7 points · Posted at 00:32:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why ain’t you up there with thousands of upvotes

arefx · 3 points · Posted at 01:22:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh I did this too once, I walked to the store 90% of the time and forgot I drove.

BadWolfIdris · 3 points · Posted at 09:59:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I literally live across from a grocery store so I always walk. One night it was raining so I drove. When I came out the rain was over. Walked home and realized I left my car. Thank you for making me feel less alone. My roommates watched the entire thing from our porch and still give me grief.

werkytwerky · 3 points · Posted at 14:45:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

at uni, parking was expensive as fucked, so i took the bus and using my car to get to class was rare.
took the bus back to my apartment when i drovd on more than one occasion. If I was really lucky, I'd see my car in the lot I used as we passed it and could hop off the next stop.

shrubs311 · 4 points · Posted at 01:17:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, I've done this before. I used to get a ride with friend to and from work for a bit since my parents were using both of my cars. One day as I'm riding back home with him, I realized I drove that day. He definitely gave me shit for that for a bit haha.

jimbojangles1987 · 2 points · Posted at 01:19:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol oh damn that sucks

rufusmaru · 2 points · Posted at 04:06:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This exact thing keeps happening to me! I moved to a very small town and keep taking my car to the store and then walking home because it’s only like two blocks. I then realize the next time I leave that I don’t have my car parked outside. Luckily I’ve only gotten four tickets because of it because truthfully I’ve done it upwards of 10 times. Once was this last week and I noticed right as I made it home.

BayushiKazemi · 2 points · Posted at 04:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no. I have nightmares about this regularly.

BareNuckleBoxingBear · 2 points · Posted at 05:28:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

(I have commented on way to many of these with similar experiences that I may just be an air head) But I used to work at a grocery store as a baker and so I needed to get to work before our buses started to run in that direction so I biked. After work I would obviously do my groceries from time to time but just like you I typically walked and took the bus as I found biking with groceries not fun and ruined food every now and then. But being at the store already I couldn't turn down an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Needless to say I realized once I got home that I left my bike at work due to my hands being full of groceries I just instinctively took the transit home. And lazy me just took the taxi the next day instead of heading back to retrieve my bike.

kooshipuff · 2 points · Posted at 06:23:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is a recurring dream I have. In it, I'm usually walking along the interstate somewhere along my commute, walking home, when I realize I drove to work and left my car there.

MidnightQuills · 2 points · Posted at 11:28:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once. Forty five minute walk home, too. I almost considered leaving it there overnight and catching the bus in the morning to go get it.

Zamundaaa · 2 points · Posted at 18:11:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why'd you even drive to the shop then?

raininmywindow · 2 points · Posted at 20:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often walk to the shops since it's only 5 minutes away.

If I bike to work I pass by the shops and on my way back I sometimes take the opportunity to grab some groceries. I have left my bike at the shops and walked home multiple times now.

AdvancedWater · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to live half a mile from the grocery store and it was good exercise. I did the same thing except it was rainy and I was mad at myself for not driving... yeah I got home and realized I had driven and lugged the heavy groceries home in the icy rain

JakeInVan · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is mine as well. Lived a few blocks from the grocery store, so usually walked.

Stopped to pick some stuff up while driving home from work one time, and proceeded to walk home with my groceries like I always do.

Realized it a few hours later and had to walk back and get my car.

Cypher_Bot · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:18 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

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Your Message Has Been Encoded .

spacegirl9498 · 9190 points · Posted at 23:40:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at target I did this once, a couple came to my register, I put everything in a bag and handed it to them. They went “uh, thanks?” and walked away, took me a solid 5 minutes to realise I didn’t put anything through the register.

AzzaaR · 2863 points · Posted at 00:05:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Annnnd that’s one way to legally get away with shoplifting haha

spacegirl9498 · 1257 points · Posted at 00:07:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah get the 15 year old on $11/hour to do the dirty work hahahahaha

BluePragmatic · 92 points · Posted at 01:41:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit you got $11/hr? I got paid less than that to be a title I tutor at a school four days a week.

spacegirl9498 · 75 points · Posted at 01:49:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Australia’s minimum wage laws are amazing compared to America, I cannot fathom waiters getting paid a few dollars an hour. I’m now 20 and on minimum wage still which is now $21 an hour, goes up each year until you’re 21 I think

puppiesonabus · 79 points · Posted at 02:12:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's really interesting that it changes as you age. In the US, there are adults with families to support, earning the same $7.25/hr minimum wage as 15 year olds do.

Paxelic · 12 points · Posted at 12:54:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just remember you must consider currency difference. The US dollar is not a 1:1 ratio

puppiesonabus · 17 points · Posted at 13:30:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Correct. $7.25 USD is actually pretty close to the the $11 rate mentioned above (in Australian dollars). However, my point still stands that no adult in the US is guaranteed a minimum wage of $21 AUD, which is conveniently about $15 USD.

SuperSMT · 6 points · Posted at 13:49:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Starting in 9 days, adults in NewbYork City will have a minimum wage of $15

bannana_surgery · 2 points · Posted at 14:37:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My city in the SF Bay area has that minimum wage too.

namesaway · 2 points · Posted at 15:35:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And LA and DC are raising gradually to hit $15 by 2020.

Griffinhart · 1 points · Posted at 20:40:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seattle, WA has a 15USD/hr min. wage if the employer has >500 employees. (Employers with <=500 employees must pay a minimum of 12.5USD/hr and provide some benefits, IIRC. I forget the exact details.)

jaulin · 2 points · Posted at 10:30:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is absolutely terrifying to me.

puppiesonabus · 13 points · Posted at 12:23:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a big push in the US to raise the minimum wage to $15/hour. A few locales have adopted it already. However, there's an ongoing debate: "Why should someone flipping burgers make the same amount of money as someone saving lives?" They can't seem to see the fact that it's impossible to make a living and support yourself off of $7.25/hour. I'm of the opinion that no one who works full-time should be struggling to make ends meet.

SuperSMT · 11 points · Posted at 13:51:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The bigger problem with the $15/hour is that people wantvit nationwide - but $15 in San Francisco is vastly different to $15 in rural Mississippi

Griffinhart · 7 points · Posted at 20:42:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Why should someone flipping burgers make the same amount of money as someone saving lives?"

Better question: why is saving lives only worth 15USD/hr?

jaulin · 8 points · Posted at 12:45:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I agree with you completely. Having to do more than one full-time job to survive is not fair.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 13:33:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

DipnDotsRUs13 · 7 points · Posted at 16:42:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're so wrong its not even funny. Why didn't you just look at the numbers? Net income US$5.192 billion (2017)

Griffinhart · 3 points · Posted at 20:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

McDonald's has made over 2 billion USD in net income every year since 2005. In 2017 they made nearly 5.2 billion USD net income.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McDonald%27s#Corporate_overview

Monkeyofdoom44 · 0 points · Posted at 01:55:55 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

They make their money overseas.

puppiesonabus · 1 points · Posted at 20:46:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even if this information were true, I care a hell of a lot more that people (especially people who work full-time) can afford to feed, clothe, and house themselves and their families than I care about a company turning a profit.

Monkeyofdoom44 · 0 points · Posted at 01:58:04 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

What you care about doesn’t matter here. The companies want to turn a profit so they’ll fire people. That’s just how it is. You can look it up, there’s a vast myriad of reasons why you wouldn’t want to raise the minimum wage. Believe it or not, it would be better to lower the minimum wage.

cantfindanamethatisn · 3 points · Posted at 02:20:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why would it be better to lower the minimum wage?

ImaNeedBoutTreeFiddy · 38 points · Posted at 01:53:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Woolies and also just turned 20. I'm a casual staff member so I now get paid $26.48 to bag people's groceries and shit. I think that's now full wage though so it probably won't go up from there.

When I started it was like $14/h but like you said, it goes up every time you age.

Lew_bear96 · 19 points · Posted at 01:54:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Although minimum wage for adults is decent, teenagers often make less then half of minimum wage. I remember my first job at a local IGA about 7 years ago, i was on $8.50 an hour.

FabForXavier · 11 points · Posted at 02:26:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have friends that work at a local IGA and they get like $23 an hour when they work on a Sunday

danag8285 · 15 points · Posted at 02:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

well 21 australian dollars is roughly 14 USD, so it’s not that far off.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 05:22:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

$14 US is a pretty fair bottom-of-the-barrel wage IMO. Not great, but fair.

[deleted] · 19 points · Posted at 02:02:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

PeakySexbang · 35 points · Posted at 02:16:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remember that dollarydoos are worth about 25% less than freedoms so the numbers are bigger. We still have shit minimum wage though in the US, yeah ($7.25 in my state!)

The_Big_Red89 · 14 points · Posted at 03:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dollarydoos just made me genuinely smile for the first time in hours

chase98584 · 2 points · Posted at 02:45:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What kind of job?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:47:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

School bus driver.

hollow_glass_dildo · 5 points · Posted at 03:01:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So $14.77 in USD? Not too bad

letsgoiowa · 9 points · Posted at 02:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also keep in mind that the Australian dollar is worth only a portion of USD.

Portlandblazer07 · 4 points · Posted at 03:12:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

interesting. does that incentivize certain companies (fast food restaurants for example) to hire younger people instead of adults?

spacegirl9498 · 9 points · Posted at 03:45:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, my partner is 22 and has had all his shifts cut (he works at a grocery store while he does uni) because the 16 year olds are much cheaper.

rubyjuicebox · 6 points · Posted at 04:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think that’s the purpose of it - the expectation is that young unskilled workers will find it easier to get a job and get experience, and as they get older and more experienced the pay is commensurate with that Older workers are expected to move on to more complex jobs that require more training and experience and be replaced by the younger cheaper workers. It doesn’t always work out that way, but it’s definitely harder to get an entry level job if you’re older because you cost more, and if you don’t have the experience to match your age the company won’t see that extra cost as worthwhile.

RelativeGIF · 3 points · Posted at 08:12:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My job keeps raising the minimum here every time I get above where it’s going to be. Really getting annoying when Joe Blow starts making what I’m making because they won’t add my bonuses into the new rate... fucking gotta love American business models

Rubic13 · 3 points · Posted at 03:01:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiters will always make at least minimum wage ($7.25+) Only if they make a bunch of tips does their hourly go down, because the tips make up for it, most of the time drastically so. But if its completely dead, they will still make the normal state minimum wage.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:02:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a physical therapy aide and I get paid 11$ an hr :[

awildtoaster · 4 points · Posted at 02:28:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The Walmart near me starts at $11/hr and the Target starts at $12/hr. There are many teenagers working at both of these places. You should've asked for more money.

BluePragmatic · 2 points · Posted at 03:08:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're funny. I was paid with state funds, there is a going rate assigned by my district, regardless of my employment, and after all six of the tutors left, they closed the program as no one would take such low pay.

This was not a company, this was a school.

seeasea · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Chicago minimum wage is about 1250 an hour. It's heading up to 15 soon.

mr_____awesomeqwerty · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

minimum wage where im at is 15.

chase98584 · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seattle?

mr_____awesomeqwerty · 3 points · Posted at 03:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

yes. but i work in a nearby neighboring city, where minimum wage is 11 iirc and our starting pay is 14. so all the new hires are getting paid less than a mcdonalds cashier, for objectively harder/more important work. while the cost of living is practically the same.

chase98584 · 1 points · Posted at 19:58:31 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's interesting isnt it? I am down by Olympia where minimum wage is 10 I beleive but cost of living is quite a bit lower

mr_____awesomeqwerty · 1 points · Posted at 22:07:06 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

small world. im live around olympia and commute 75 miles

chase98584 · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:29 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very small world! Im sure by my user name you can see where im from lol. Thats a long commute! Im up there a few times a month for work and the traffic is always terrible

Griffinhart · 1 points · Posted at 20:38:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Depends on where you live. I'm in the US and I started at 14.05USD/hr in retail, and was at 16.45 before I left for a Real Job, less than a year later.

But also cost of living in the area meant that I could only just barely make rent (sharing an apartment with 2 other people) and feed myself, plus it was an hourly retail job so it's not like I was guaranteed 40 hours/week (though I was basically doing fulltime after two months at the place because of my availability and skillset/specific job).

SlutForThickSocks · 74 points · Posted at 00:17:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you tell your manager?

spacegirl9498 · 201 points · Posted at 00:21:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably not, I had such bad social anxiety at that point I ate lunch in the locker room to avoid talking to coworkers, telling a manager I was effectively accessory to a crime seems like a stretch

dodvedvrede_ · 62 points · Posted at 01:41:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Retail always deals with thousands and thousands of dollars of shrink every year. Depending on their expectations of you they might have either wrote you up or told you to try your best not to make that mistake again.

nedos009 · 21 points · Posted at 01:52:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought you were going to write the opening for shoplifters

sentimental_yeti · 2 points · Posted at 09:06:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fifty fifty odds aren't that bad.

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 05:20:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For real.

I’ve been in retail for a while now, and let me tell you - if they fired people for silly mistakes, there would be no service industry. Retail is absolutely terrible in most regards, but a lot of managers know what’s up and are hardly out to get you.

What definitely will happen, though, would be that you become the butt end of jokes for a week or so.

wolves_hunt_in_packs · 11 points · Posted at 01:22:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oof :(

P0sitive_Outlook · 18 points · Posted at 02:43:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My buddy will always go to a checkout manned by a similarly-aged and racially-oriented cashier, and outright ask "What can you hook me up with? :)". One time he got a free bag of onions. Another, a box of nice mushrooms. It's particularly adorable when the cashier verbalizes the *beep* to make it look authentic!

JustCosmo · 9 points · Posted at 02:31:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

$11/hr??? Making fucking bank. I made $5.25 at 16.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 19:33:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

JustCosmo · 1 points · Posted at 19:38:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

2002

sam8448 · 6 points · Posted at 02:34:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

$11/hour??! Where do I apply?

Portlandblazer07 · 10 points · Posted at 03:16:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anywhere in CA. You'll just give it right back because everything else here is so expensive.

1jl · 3 points · Posted at 02:50:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

11 an hour? Damn I worked at Target a few years ago and got 7.

donniellama · 8 points · Posted at 03:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

$11/hr in California gets you nothing. The living wage here is $20/hr (but honestly that's also too low). The taxes alone will suck you dry.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:57:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

donniellama · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:39 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah Nevada is great! Reno's cost of living is rising though, soon to explode. Hopefully wages will keep up.

bannana_surgery · 0 points · Posted at 14:44:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You clearly haven't been to some of the ass-end places of CA. Where I grew up, $20 an hour is amazing. I mean, you wouldn't want to live there, but you'd have extra money to do nothing with. Coastal areas though, yeah, you're right.

donniellama · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah thanks for pointing that out. I'm in the Bay Area and it's such a bubble here that it's hard to judge how everyone else lives.

bannana_surgery · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:59 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, I'm there too now and you're definitely right about this area. Just not so much in places where you can only get satellite internet :P

ibetno1tookthis · 3 points · Posted at 18:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Target's starting pay is $12 right now and will be$15 in 2020

leopardsocks · 3 points · Posted at 13:32:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg when I was 15 I worked at target and had undiagnosed ADHD, SO many people got free stuff from me unintentionally.

wildddin · 73 points · Posted at 00:07:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not sure what country's this applies to, but I know that in England, it would still be considered stealing if you knowingly didn't pay, also, if you get given more change than you should, it's stealing to knowingly take the extra without correcting them

AzzaaR · 33 points · Posted at 00:22:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If the cashier has said expressively here you go indicating it’s free it’s possible to claim that the act wasn’t dishonest which is a key proof point of theft (AUS). It’s a bit of a stretch though and obviously depends on the amount of goods etc. but for small singular items it isn’t unreasonable to have a business be kind and give out freebies.

SeaLeggs · 34 points · Posted at 00:24:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

expressively

Do not take legal advice from this person.

AzzaaR · 48 points · Posted at 00:30:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, because I’ve made a spelling mistake that was auto corrected. Honestly though, you shouldn’t take legal advice from anyone on the internet lol.

thokk2 · 5 points · Posted at 05:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Because, as we all know, lawyers haven't figured out how to access the internet yet.

JazzHandsFan · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No it’s because you gotta pay for that shit. Legal knowledge isn’t free.

spacegirl9498 · 3 points · Posted at 00:24:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, that makes me feel a tiny bit better haha

MindfuckRocketship · 2 points · Posted at 03:11:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cop here. Same in the USA. Probably applies in most countries, I would hope.

r2chi_too · 11 points · Posted at 00:17:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You laugh, but this is actually something people do. Usually it's the employee's idea and the 'customer' is an accomplice, though.

AzzaaR · 9 points · Posted at 00:19:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah well if it’s the employees idea it’s still theft and the customer as you said is a co-offender.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 00:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

« Oh Sorry I forgot »

RapidFireSlowMotion · 1 points · Posted at 17:16:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

get away with shoplifting shopgifting

Yuzumi · 66 points · Posted at 00:25:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at a grocery store I was doing stock and register. I got called to my register but my mind was elsewhere. Couple paid in foodstamps, but then I just gave them the $30-$40 of their total back as change.

When the loss prevention called me into the office to review the footage he said "Let's play 'what the hell were you thinking'" or something along those lines. On camera you can see the two look at each other like "What the hell is he doing?", but they don't say anything.

I got written up for it, but my register was usually spot on most of the time, so they knew it was just a simple mistake and nothing more came from it.

spacegirl9498 · 35 points · Posted at 00:27:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even though (other than this incident) my register was always perfect, 5 years and 3 retail jobs later I still get crazy anxiety watching someone count my til hahaha

Yuzumi · 23 points · Posted at 01:05:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone who did count tills I can tell you it sucks when one comes up over or short. Because then you have to figure out why.

fishitch · 1463 points · Posted at 23:54:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if it’s bc I’m very ill and sleep deprived but I just cried laughing at this and now my chest hurts bad.

spacegirl9498 · 430 points · Posted at 23:58:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so sleep deprived and bored when I did it I was on full autopilot... lucky it was only a few little baby outfits nothing too expensive haha

ONinAB · 229 points · Posted at 00:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They probably still tell the stories at parties.

cegu1 · 17 points · Posted at 00:26:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Theft in my dictionary

thesuper88 · 18 points · Posted at 00:51:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, morally it's still pretty much just theft on the part of the customer. They knew that they were supposed to pay and took an easy opportunity to steal when it presented itself.

[deleted] · 59 points · Posted at 00:23:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...now my chest hurts bad.

I just checked on webMD, and I'm pretty sure that means you're having a heart attack.

fishitch · 31 points · Posted at 00:25:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I heard that if you cough like really hard you can stop it so I coughed really hard twice just to be safe and I think I have an aneurysm now.

GALACTICA-Actual- · 9 points · Posted at 02:23:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just shake your head vigorously to get the blood to move somewhere else. Trust me. I’m on the Internet.

Either that, or you’re already dead, in which case, R.I.P. in peace 💀 🎺 🎺

coredumperror · 5 points · Posted at 02:47:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sure webMD didn't say he has cancer? 'Cause when it comes to webMD, if it isn't cancer, it's Super Cancer.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 10:01:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, this page says that having cancer leads to a higher risk of heart attacks.

coredumperror · 2 points · Posted at 17:27:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like the very definition of Super Cancer. I mean what's worse than cancer? Cancer and a heart attack, of course.

Chrysanthedad · 14 points · Posted at 00:06:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sleep deprived now and this post makes me laugh till I cry too. Just seemed so funny somehow.

TDIfan241 · 8 points · Posted at 00:32:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm at work now 100% burned out and I'm crying from laughing.

it_tastes_of_purple · 7 points · Posted at 00:21:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Feel better! :-)

sleepytaquito · 6 points · Posted at 00:54:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just put your symptoms into the computer and it says you could have network connectivity problems

CUNT_ERADICATOR · 2 points · Posted at 01:30:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brain went auto-pilot as soon as I read your comment and scrolled further quickly because I didn’t want to get sick. I’m an idiot.

delicious_tomato · 2 points · Posted at 02:33:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No problem, come on down to Target and we’ll get you some cold and chest medicine for free

E_to_the_van · 0 points · Posted at 00:34:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weed will put you right to sleep my dude

Weed_Wiz · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This guy.

E_to_the_van · 0 points · Posted at 01:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dude

BlameSociety1 · 27 points · Posted at 00:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I went to buy some beers and the guy serving me asked for ID. He checked it and said "yup all good, see ya later", handed me the beers and started serving the next guy.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 02:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

? Is this not a normal human interaction?

smelltogetwell · 12 points · Posted at 02:06:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think any money exchanged hands during this interaction. If I'm interpreting it correctly that is.

BlameSociety1 · 9 points · Posted at 02:19:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yupp he didn't ask for cash, I reminded him though

achtagon · 12 points · Posted at 01:46:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I helped my parents with big electrical rework project in their garage. On a big shopping trip to the big box hardware store the older checkout woman asked me what I was working on. I said my mom was a retired ceramics teacher and was putting a kiln and pottery wheel in her garage and needed a big upgrade, and she said I was a good son. She rung up and checked me out for what I'd guess was $250 worth of stuff but I mindlessly swiped my card not looking at the total. A week or two later when I was cleaning up I came across the receipt - I was charged for two metal electrical pipes, $18. Cash register tech problem? Honest mistake? Hated the company but liked me? Who knows.

zombiedix · 9 points · Posted at 00:42:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I let items slip all the time and to avoid embarrassment I just said fuck it to myself and let them not pay for it.

patchinthebox · 8 points · Posted at 02:30:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was seasonal help at Target one year. This dude came thru my line with 2 carts full of different cereal and a fist full of coupons. I was leaving in a few days anyways so I just asked him how many of each he had and scanned the coupons. I ended up paying him $30 to take all that cereal.

Musicbebe · 8 points · Posted at 05:19:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Once I was shopping at a small, local, family-owned health food store where people would bag or box their own groceries. The owner (who I knew) was working the register and as he began to ring me up, he asked how my family was doing. I had just gone through a divorce and while struggling with what to say, I started taking goods he hadn’t scanned yet and putting them directly into my box. As I stuttered and stammered and loaded up unpaid-for goods, I watched his expression change from concern to an irritated look of wtf.

I quickly filled my box and stopped talking, embarrassed I’d said something wrong, and he finally points at the box and says, “I’m going to need to do something about these.” Still confused and mildly horrified at his expression, I asked, “What do you mean?” and he firmly said, “I didn’t scan those yet.”

The worst part was, even though I apologized profusely, the look on his face made me feel like he low-key suspected I’d tried to do it intentionally 😣

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 01:48:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost did this a few times except with iPhones. Nothing spikes your blood pressure faster than realising you almost let someone walk out of the store with £1k worth of goods.

spacegirl9498 · 16 points · Posted at 01:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a $150 sale go through, a family with a trolley full to the brim. They left the store and I said it was all good, after they left I realised they tapped their card and because of the high total the screen was on “enter pin” still. They were long gone, I ended up clicking signature and just saying it matched to make it go through.

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 02:01:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Minimum wage retail jobs taught me to embrace the phrase “Not my fucking problem”

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 00:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to my dad at Dicks, they scanned the bench and weights we bought but never the punching bag stand. Walked out with a $200ish piece of equipment.

loganparker420 · 6 points · Posted at 03:05:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I paid with a 10 once and the woman at the register gave me change for 100... I feel bad about taking it now but I was 15. I kept it and never went back to that store. Lol...

viciousbreed · 3 points · Posted at 03:57:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow. I know there are plenty of people who don't feel bad about stuff like that, especially at big stores, but I can't walk out with a bunch of groceries I didn't pay for. People can lose their jobs over their tills being short, or for making an error like that.

AnastasiaSheppard · 3 points · Posted at 09:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a real dick move for them to not say anything.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:15:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your username and this story makes me wish we were friends.

Robert_Baratheon_ · 5 points · Posted at 02:28:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Assholes. They know they’re potentially costing someone their job over one grocery trip.

SoiDontSee-raww · 6 points · Posted at 05:44:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! I thought I was going crazy being the only person to think those people were dicks. Then there's like 20 people saying they just walk out when they notice this too. IT'S CALLED STEALING! Just because someone didn't ring something up, doesn't all of a sudden mean that shits free. Be a decent person and pay for your shit! Damn I hate people.

Robert_Baratheon_ · 4 points · Posted at 09:46:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah people are ridiculous. Whenever something doesn’t scan and people make that stupid fucking “oh it’s free then” joke, I go “yeah if you have a job for me when I get fired.”

Luxstrasza · 3 points · Posted at 07:09:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldn't walk out with the guilty conscience! Both stealing and risking someone's livelihood... no thanks.

vilebubbles · 2 points · Posted at 00:16:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you get in trouble?

spacegirl9498 · 5 points · Posted at 00:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don’t think anyone ever found out

Most_Juan_Ted · 2 points · Posted at 00:29:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Did you get in trouble for it?

jimbojangles1987 · 2 points · Posted at 01:18:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a manager at CVS and I've definitely done this on accident

yourmomlurks · 2 points · Posted at 04:01:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess no one else said it so I will...

Username checks out

spacegirl9498 · 2 points · Posted at 05:48:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was waiting for it hahahah

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:55:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm surprised you didn't accidentally scan something as it passed over the laser thing

dart278 · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"team member /u/spacegirl9498 can you go to 4"

DeepBreathing4Me · 346 points · Posted at 22:37:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oops.

Hysterymystery · 773 points · Posted at 23:31:04 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this with my friend back in high school. These dudes working at the convenience store yelled at us "Hey! Wait! Come back!" as we walked out the door. We shot them dirty looks and yelled "Perv! Hit on someone your own age!"

Turns out they weren't hitting on us. We were shoplifting.

BooksAndComicBooks · 320 points · Posted at 00:04:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now there's a power move.

[deleted] · 49 points · Posted at 00:09:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turns out they actually wanted their numbers

“Please, let me have your number, you stole my heart with those groceries!”

[deleted] · 27 points · Posted at 00:55:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Big clit energy

realdecent · 76 points · Posted at 00:32:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me once. I walked out of a cute cafe after picking up a breakfast sandwich and was promptly followed by the (super handsome) owner yelling, “Wait! Hang on a second!”

I thought, this is it, my life is finally going to be like the romantic comedy I’ve always dreamt it would be. He’s going to ask me out to dinner or to-

“Hey, yeah.. you didn’t pay for your food”.

Aaaaaand that dream was crushed. And I felt like an idiot.

[deleted] · 114 points · Posted at 00:04:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who...who assumes some guys in uniforms calling for you like that are cat calling you?

Hysterymystery · 105 points · Posted at 00:34:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've definitely been catcalled in ways that sounded similar to what I heard that day, but the answer is we were snotty 16 year olds who thought everyone wanted us.

thesuper88 · 47 points · Posted at 00:54:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is a delightfully honest answer.

arden_alcott · 48 points · Posted at 00:08:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm that it is very common. Catcalling creeps don't care, especially if they know they won't be caught.

bustahemo · 26 points · Posted at 00:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty sure if some uniforms step out yelling "hey! Wait! Come back!" It isn't catcalling.

arden_alcott · 33 points · Posted at 00:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clearly you have never been catcalled by someone in a uniform.

bustahemo · 18 points · Posted at 00:28:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There is a definite tone difference between "I want to look at you again." And "you're shoplifting."

arden_alcott · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you're basically revealing that you are not a woman/someone who has been catcalled a lot right now...

bustahemo · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do we need to make it personal? I made an observation and backed it up. You're making it personal.

Which of us is in the wrong here?

arden_alcott · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha oh boy. Sure, let's make observations and back them up. I have observed, since I was a 9 year old girl, that catcalling comes in many forms. Sometimes catcalling is yelling obscene sexual remarks while the victim is walking down the street. Sometimes it's slowly following the victim (who is walking) in a car, yelling at her to try to get her attention, double backing if she starts going up one way streets as precaution. Sometimes catcalling is even using the power of a UNIFORM to get the victim's attention so that she'll put her guard down and walk to the man who yelled authoritatively, only hear a disgusting sexual observation.

So if you are saying that you observe that someone catcalling and someone trying to stop a shoplifter are fundamentally different, I would have to say that my observations, based on actual lived experience, refute that.

bustahemo · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone who has worked in uniformed positions and had to manage people in several different situations, I can definitely argue that my point stands.

Anecdotally. As you have.

I'm sorry that you've had bad experiences in your life and that they seem to have given you a jaded outlook on professional positions but making assumptions based on your experience is akin to original act itself. Accusations or just the assumption of disrespect/delinquent behavior is flat out wrong.

If a security guard/police officer/door greeter/anyone in uniform harasses you. Make a complaint and follow through with it. Their numbers are generally posted on the uniform or nearby for just those situations and no company I've ever had the opportunity to work for recognized catcalling or harassment as acceptable behavior.

MormonBikeRiding · 11 points · Posted at 00:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They're a dude, I don't think they're gonna get it

maebird- · 8 points · Posted at 01:09:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a girl and I don’t get it lmao

sluttyredridinghood · 3 points · Posted at 01:56:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, some women have other talents and blessings I guess

MormonBikeRiding · 0 points · Posted at 01:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've heard a lot of stories from my friends about cat calling so it just wouldn't surprise me someone working at a store would be hitting on them

bustahemo · 2 points · Posted at 00:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I'm going to assume a block or something has taken effect. I got a notification of a reply but can't see past this. Strange.

Edit: was able to see follow up comments by finding original post in the thread. Still bad linking. Strange.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:17:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But does it happen often enough to assume that if someone calls for you to come back, you automatically ignore them and assume they’re catcalling?

arden_alcott · 12 points · Posted at 01:19:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Personally, yes, if I'm alone, though I would glance back to try to get a little more information on the potential threat.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:06:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk I get ignoring them if they’re actually catcalling you, but ignoring them when it’s possible they’re trying to tell you something important just seems like it’d make you worse off

troyboltonislife · 6 points · Posted at 00:09:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

People with an ego

fourleggedostrich · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm going to assume you're a dude.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, I’m a woman, born a woman identify as a woman.

fourleggedostrich · 1 points · Posted at 21:49:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fair enough, then I defer to your opinion on this.

acdrummer28 · 3 points · Posted at 00:20:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you posted this before? It seems familiar!

Hysterymystery · 4 points · Posted at 00:33:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have. lol

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:55:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So this is what it's like on the other side. Like when you ask for the time and the girl says she has a BF.

This was eye opening. Thank you.

I say this in jest of course

BordeauxFrog · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

r/thathappened

Who the fuck just assumes someone working there is hitting on you just for calling you

KuFuBr · 143 points · Posted at 22:50:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you go back to pay?

Kingbatpoo · 118 points · Posted at 23:21:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think the FBI found him

KuFuBr · 16 points · Posted at 23:23:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP brother! :(

dam1end · 10 points · Posted at 00:33:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

Ajugas · 12 points · Posted at 00:43:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

B

Petitepiranha · 10 points · Posted at 00:45:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I

bat_mite51 · 7 points · Posted at 01:26:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goodbye.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That sounds like a good way to get arrested

blippityblue72 · 32 points · Posted at 00:24:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went through the self checkout once and scanned everything, including typing in my discount club number and the person having to come over and check my ID to purchase alcohol. When I got home I couldn't find the receipt and the purchase never showed up on my bank account. I'm pretty sure I shoplifted over a hundred bucks of groceries and I have no idea how I did it.

The damn thing screams at you if you move a bag to make room so how could I have removed all the bags and walked out without me or the person monitoring the self checkout noticing?

Airazz · 21 points · Posted at 00:50:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the self-checkout, started scanning my items and then saw a phone someone left by the till. "Oh cool", I thought, "A free phone". It was a Blackberry back when they were still great. I scanned all my items, then picked up the phone and saw that the back of it was covered in plastic shiny "gem" thingies, glued onto the back. Clearly a little girl's phone, so I grabbed my items and the phone, walked to the security guy who was standing nearby and handed him the phone. Then I walked out.

10 minutes later I realized that I didn't pay for my items.

I never returned to that store again, but luckily it was the end of school year, I graduated a few weeks later and moved away.

Rustlingleaves1 · 147 points · Posted at 23:19:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remembered I never actually paid

Sure Jan 😉

Hi-im-x · 5 points · Posted at 00:43:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s funny because I have an incompetent co-worker named Jan.

ClutzyMe · 26 points · Posted at 00:11:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it makes you feel any better I did the same thing only much worse because I started bagging everything and was getting that, "Unexpected item in bagging area!" every time I put something in. I flagged a cashier and complained that the system was acting up. The cashier looked at the screen, looked at the items in the bag and dead-panned said, "Nothing has been scanned."
FML.

prone_to_laughter · 10 points · Posted at 02:57:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my gosh lol. I’m so uncomfortable. I could definitely see myself doing that and I’m a whole ass adult

alwayscuddly · 48 points · Posted at 23:48:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes officer, this comment right here.

toodleroo · 6 points · Posted at 01:02:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the opposite of this a few days ago. Got out to my car with a cart full of groceries and couldn’t remember paying. Went back in and the cashier looked at me like i was nuts when i asked her if i paid. I had. In my defense, i have the flu.

FudgySlippers · 2 points · Posted at 18:14:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Just take your bags and leave!”

roskov · 5 points · Posted at 02:16:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once or twice at the self checkout I’ve heard someone else’s ‘boop!’ and thought it was my ‘boop!’ only to discover later when reviewing the receipt that this was not the case.

FudgySlippers · 1 points · Posted at 18:15:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think of it more as a ‘blep!’

Ajit_Can_Get_It · 15 points · Posted at 00:01:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Protip- negate the 9 at the beginning of the produce code to get the employee discount.

veraamber · 23 points · Posted at 00:26:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Somehow I’m guessing this works at exactly one chain of grocery store.

BonerOfGoats · 9 points · Posted at 00:32:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But find out which chain...and you get a small discount on your shit!

Ajit_Can_Get_It · 3 points · Posted at 03:02:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope, at least in the US most produce codes are generic.

4011-banana 94011-organic banana

Click_Klack · 10 points · Posted at 00:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's pretty funny, but if this is a store that you visit regularly and plan on going back to in the near future, you may want to explain your mistake and pay on your next trip (unless you already plan to, of course). There's a chance that loss prevention took notice of you on the security footage, and a further chance that they might recognize you the next time you come in.

Lachwen · 5 points · Posted at 01:32:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was the self-checkout attendant at a store for several years. I watched a guy who was clearly high as balls do exactly that - only he noticed the machine alerting him when he picked up his backpack. He apologized and eventually managed to pay.

Watching stoned people use the self-check was always hilarious.

essentiallycallista · 3 points · Posted at 00:21:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"whelp, I'm a criminal now" -home alone

floatingwithobrien · 7 points · Posted at 01:20:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

🚨🚨🚨🚔🚔🚔🚨🚨🚨

dwer376 · 3 points · Posted at 02:18:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often stop at my local convenience store for some cheap terrible coffee. One morning I'm walking out and the cashier is like "Um, MISS, are you going to pay for that??"

Guess I needed the caffeine.

FudgySlippers · 1 points · Posted at 18:16:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you say no? It was terrible coffee after all

dwer376 · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:12 on January 6, 2019 · (Permalink)

Coffee snob I'm not. Give me cheap caffeine and I'm good.

Qualanqui · 3 points · Posted at 02:55:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you go back when you realised your mistake? I accidently wound up with a jar of jam I didn't pay for one time and felt so bad I had to go back and pay for it. In my defense we'd recently had a pretty bad earthquake so everyone was really rattled.

Abacae · 3 points · Posted at 00:14:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Act like you belong. You were probably so smooth about it nobody batted an eye.

AnActualChicken · 4 points · Posted at 00:26:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did a similar thing at a TK Max earlier this month while Christmas shopping. I grabbed a box of shortbread and was hunting for some other gifts for a bit. After a while of finding little to nothing I gave up and went for the exit only to realise right at the door I still had the shortbread. I was so caught up in the search and avoiding the surge of people in there I forgot I was holding the damn thing! There was a security guy nearby, so I apologised and went to pay for it.

cssocks · 2 points · Posted at 00:14:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's almost how I accidentally stole a piece of art work last week

ecodesiac · 2 points · Posted at 00:52:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this a few times, I just go back and pay the folks, usually they say it happens pretty often, don't worry about it.

dontbeweakvato · 2 points · Posted at 00:53:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive half hour to the store shopped for half hour. Then I checked out and left my stuff sitting at the end of the register. I realize soon as I walked in the front door at home felt like the biggest idiot 🤣

UncookedMarsupial · 2 points · Posted at 00:58:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once filled a hand basket at Safeway and walked out the door. I didn't realize until I got to my car and had to move my bags to put the basket down.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:10:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got fired from a part time job in college for this exact reason :/

Josh6889 · 2 points · Posted at 01:25:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I partially did this once. I have no idea why, but I rang up most of my stuff, bagged it, and put it back in the cart. Payed and then started heading to the door, and I suddenly realized I left 3 or 4 things in the cart without scanning them. This was a full grocery trip, so there was probably 20 or 30 things total.

smackofjellyfishy · 2 points · Posted at 02:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had to do this deliberately, during hard times! The present to have paid only works once per shop though, if you get caught that is!

EloquentGrl · 2 points · Posted at 04:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof, I did this twice at places I used to eat for lunch.

At one place, I always paid after ordering, grab my food when it was ready and leave. That day, he didn't take my money after I ordered. So when he handed me the food, I was halfway out the door before he yelled, "YOU HAVE TO PAY!" I couldn't properly explain why I was just walking out without food, so I just paid while looking down, sure he was glaring at me, then left. I decided to stop eating there for a while...

The second time, I always got food to go, but I had time on my hands and decided to eat there. Again, tried to pay, but they wouldn't take my money, so I sat down, waited for my food and enjoyed a quiet lunch. Got up when I was done and walked out. Realized halfway to my car that I still had a twenty in my pocket, then put two and two together.

When I walked back in, it looked like the manager was silently chastising the worker when they both stopped and looked at me, and I KNEW they were talking about me and my accidental dine and dash. I just kind of stood there awkwardly and said, "uh... I think I forgot to pay...?" it was extremely uncomfortable paying while the manager was watching like a hawk...

Edited: a small detail.

Harhailija · 5 points · Posted at 23:54:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you not set off the detectors? Or did you just not register them since you were running on auto-pilot?

leafylitter · 20 points · Posted at 00:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

stealing stuff that doesn't have the special detector tags on them doesnt set off detectors.

idk where u live but ive only ever seen those things at clothing stores

RealAbstractSquidII · 14 points · Posted at 00:07:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I either live in a bad area or your area is super lax. Fucking everything everywhere has security tags here. There's even little stickers on gas station milk that set a detector off if you don't pay. Wal-Mart /CVS and dollar tree have all the razors behind a lockable cabinet door.

Akanderson87 · 13 points · Posted at 00:16:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On each individual grape

RealAbstractSquidII · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You joke but our grapes are in a stand directly below a security camera haha. Although its probably because produce is right next to the main entrance/exit and people will take things and bolt.

CutePuppersDancing · 8 points · Posted at 00:19:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woah, that's excessive. Over where I live it's only on clothes

RealAbstractSquidII · 3 points · Posted at 00:21:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn whats it like living with all that freedom? Haha. Thats crazy, I never think about how different such small day to day things can be town to town, state to state or country to country.

CutePuppersDancing · 3 points · Posted at 00:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I mean, its odd I don't hear about many shoplifters considering

summer-snow · 3 points · Posted at 00:08:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grocery store uses them; I set it off one time with a bottle of Tylenol.

pothockets · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice.

Trevor_Roll · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Score.

themonstrumologist · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What a power move

stone500 · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the self check out and just started bagging everything I had. An employee came to see if I was OK. It then dawned on me that I wasn't actually scanning anything

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the exact same thing!! I was packing stuff in my backpack while.listening to music. I didn't even realise til I was halfway home, when I was counting my change. I didn't know why I had an extra $4.

Turns out I stole some donuts.

Dark_Vengence · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These things happen.

Sc4ryN1ghtM4re · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Young Gerald

beerdedlady97 · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the grocery store with my boyfriend and we were going through self checkout and he was moving items from the cart to the bag without scanning. I watched laughing to myself while he did half the cart without realizing.

thfc11189 · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally walked out of an FYE with a CD in my hand after showing my GF how awesome it was. The alarm rang and I thought “why would it be ringing?” And kept walking. Needed a manger to point it out in my hand 50 ft away from the store.

Slayaisawesome · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

the FBI wants to know your location

Tomhanksmegafan · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They were probably thrown off by your confidence and ended up second guessing themselves as you casually shoplifted

mirmoolade · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Alternatively, I'll buy something cheap with a $20 then say "thanks have a nice day!" And leave my change. As much as I would like to proclaim my generosity, this is by no means intentional lol

BigBlue923 · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think Winona Ryder did something like that, just walked out with a big mound of clothes on hangers and started to head home.

alan_greyjoy · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If this was at Walmart, don't go back ever. They'll charge you for theft. Was told by a councilor friend, works with rehabilitation for addicts and petty theft kind of stuff, that they use facial recognition to track things like this and arrest people for it upon entering the store on another day.

Fudgms · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Briefly dated a gal who got off a grave shift super tired and pissed and accidentally rage stole paint. Went in distracted by a shitty day got her stuff then left

gwaydms · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that but not with the entire order. I just go "holy shit" and call the store to let them know I'll pay for it next time. They know me there so it turns out ok, just embarrassing

iamthepixie · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! If it was me I’d return and explain lol

Dustyasscowgirl · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh shit! I almost did the exact same thing today but I caught myself at the last second

Zerb_Games · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost did the same thing, was walking away and noticed last second I didn't have my receipt.

communist_gerbil · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you go back to pay for it, since you've already unwittingly committed a crime, the store can call the police and arrest you. It's happened. Morally I'd say it's the right thing to do is to go back and pay for it, but it's risky. It might be better to just throw it in the trash and avoid that store for a while.

Sarelia1 · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you ever end up paying?

Unpredictabru · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this once, got to my car, and realized I forgot to pay. When I went back the store manager saw me and was so relieved.

Leilanmay · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this in Kohl's and Barnes and Noble. Luckily, I realize it when I go to stick it in the SUV and bring it right back in. It's super embarrassing. I think it's when they give you shopping bags in lieu of carts.

CruSherFL · 1 points · Posted at 10:22:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there. Packed everything up, paid and then left leaving the bag with groceries at the self checkout. When I started the car I realized that there was no grocery bag on the passenger sit....

ThePfhor · 1 points · Posted at 11:16:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you go back?

supertucci · 12328 points · Posted at 00:06:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived in the same house for 16 years. Moved out. Years later I did some summer work as a construction worker....on MY old house! First day I walked in, mindlessly did what I ALWAYS did when I came in , waltzed Into the kitchen during the family’s breakfast, opened the fridge and peered inside for a long while looking for something to eat.

I came to myself (dude I don’t live here anymore), looked up, and the family was all staring at me from the breakfast table, forks in mid air. At this unknown construction worker making himself right at home. I was so embarrassed I backed out, stammering the whole time and trying to have them understand “I’m so sorry I used to live here”. Wasn’t allowed inside work at that job site for a while

evolutionsretrospect · 3313 points · Posted at 03:59:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weird that they weren't more understanding about it but it sounds like you did explain it pretty poorly haha

veritasquo · 314 points · Posted at 06:04:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Srsly. If anything it's amusing and I'd be inclined to engage the worker..? But I'm also (arguably, too) friendly.

ImhereforAB · 129 points · Posted at 09:30:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dno man. I would have reacted the same way you did and I am not a friendly person :| still think it’s fair enough the guy used to live there!

Raichu7 · 68 points · Posted at 09:54:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, everyone does weird stuff on autopilot, if OP explained that was what happened since they used to live there there shouldn’t have been a problem.

mansetta · 52 points · Posted at 09:15:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably creeped out of this dude claiming he lived there :D

Beverlydriveghosts · 27 points · Posted at 12:59:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“I used to live here therefore am entitled to ALL FOOD IN THIS FRIDGE”

HoldThisBeer · 78 points · Posted at 09:04:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I used to live here so surely you don't mind if I just walk in and help myself to some leftovers. I see you had pizza yesterday. Nice."

worldoak · -82 points · Posted at 07:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Personally, this would not be ok in my house. I'd be happy to know it was an innocent mistake, but would still start locking my doors. Probably has something to do with living in big-ish cities with plenty of crime most of my life.

The best case scenario for a random construction worker walking in on your family breakfast is realizing just how easily someone can walk into your home without your permission. I mean, I wouldn't hate the guy, but I damn sure would have a hard time trusting him.

uiemad · 169 points · Posted at 07:48:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wouldn't say he was a random construction worker as he was working on the house...

DaughterEarth · 113 points · Posted at 07:56:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

also, don't you already keep your doors locked? I'd think living in crime ridden areas would inspire doors being locked, especially more so than the people you hired to be in your home actually being in your home

TheTacuache · -8 points · Posted at 17:51:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in the "hood" and refuse to lock my doors while I'm in my own home because I see that as living in fear.

Mandala_Eyes · 14 points · Posted at 18:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

IMO there is a difference between "living in fear" and using common sense to prevent crimes of opportunity. If someone cases your home and notices the door isn't locked when you are there, it's just another tick on their list of "Reasons to choose this target."

I don't live in fear but I also don't broadcast that Im not worried about it:)

HeyThereAdventurer · 12 points · Posted at 21:52:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're a fucking idiot.

Eagleassassin3 · 3 points · Posted at 09:55:52 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, I live in fear more when I don't lock my doors.

If someone wants to rob you, they will do so much more easily if your door isn't locked. So why not just lock it? That's what you'd do if you only used logic. You don't need to have fear to need to lock your door. Just common sense.

lllluke · 48 points · Posted at 08:03:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This seems a little extreme

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 12:29:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weird how easy it is to open doors and walk through thresholds...

AlsoOneLastThing · 3 points · Posted at 18:46:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's not like he walked into the house uninvited. He was supposed to be there, just wasn't supposed to be going into the fridge.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 11:16:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should repost this to r/unpopular opinions because they will be more understanding. Also I don't quite understand the downvotes, I know people use them to mean 'i agree!' or 'I DISAGREE' instead of the whole related or not thing but this seems like a pretty innocuous thing, it's hardly like you are expressing some monstrous opinion.

SpiderTechnitian · -22 points · Posted at 11:18:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You got downvoted a bunch but I agree with you. He was a total stranger entering a house on autopilot. Who's to say it wouldn't happen again, or that he wouldn't naturally know from experience the quietest way to enter the house etc.

It's nice in passing that it's a small world and all that but this is kinda specifically someone I wouldn't be interested in having on my property at all, let alone in my house

kayno-way · 33 points · Posted at 11:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Total stranger hired to work on your house. Bit different. Fucking weirdos. And I thought I was antisocial as fuck, even I'd understand this and laugh it off.

Nathanyel · -6 points · Posted at 12:29:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Possibly the family didn't mind as much after the initial shock, but the company got wind and "re-allocated" him. On the other hand, the family sounds rude, just having breakfast while outside(?) the workers are starting.

EverythingIsFlotsam · 34 points · Posted at 14:03:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What is rude about that? They should get up extra early to finish breakfast early because some construction workers are working on another part of the house?

NapoleonicWars · 5175 points · Posted at 03:34:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Should’ve doubled down. Got some milk and cereal, sat down at the table, and asked the wife how the jobs going.

8-tentacles · 308 points · Posted at 05:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Assert dominance.

SLICKlikeBUTTA · 56 points · Posted at 07:46:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But he didn't start peeing on the table.

DBX12 · 35 points · Posted at 10:35:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He peed into the fridge.

Edit: Oh damn, he peered into the fridge.

Neil2250 · 21 points · Posted at 12:10:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

did.. did you seriously think that /u/supertucci pees into the fridge? like- in his own home?

wHAT DO YOU DO TO YOUR FRIDGE, MAN??

DBX12 · 12 points · Posted at 12:21:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How am I supposed to assert dominance by other means than peeing?

We_Know-_- · 4 points · Posted at 14:27:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Assert dominance by both peeing and t-posing.

ViZeShadowZ · 3 points · Posted at 03:46:21 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

P-posing

We_Know-_- · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:47 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

O fucc

IngotSilverS550 · 11 points · Posted at 11:46:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Slap her on the ass and kiss her hard on the mouth too

8-tentacles · 7 points · Posted at 13:52:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While maintaining eye contact with the beta male to really show who’s boss.

RRauloo · 42 points · Posted at 06:02:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

8-tentacles · 3 points · Posted at 13:52:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you! Time flies!

AlfaWhiskeyTango · 25 points · Posted at 05:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

We_Know-_- · 21 points · Posted at 06:46:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

8-tentacles · 2 points · Posted at 13:51:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks man!

Rexel-Dervent · 8 points · Posted at 06:37:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unexpected Surviving Christmas.

librlman · 8 points · Posted at 11:43:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"You know, when I lived here I'd never let the place get so run down and shabby. Pass the eggs, mate! And that floral monstrosity on the front lawn...total shite!"

Ampluvia · 7 points · Posted at 11:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I can find some videos starting like this on Pornhub.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 06:58:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Savage

lordg52 · 3 points · Posted at 12:51:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

and then start pointing out things to the kids that aren't there

Warner20BrosYT · 3 points · Posted at 13:13:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Power move

NBD_Pearen · 5 points · Posted at 08:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked the wife if she likes butt stuff more like.

slater124 · 2 points · Posted at 12:00:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maintain eye contact for maximum effect.

lordg52 · 2 points · Posted at 12:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

and then poured the chicken stock down the sink

howsublime · 2 points · Posted at 13:06:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
pug_fugly_moe · 1 points · Posted at 17:02:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"This table looks new."

GiveItASmooch · 1 points · Posted at 19:42:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Mom you don't look so good?" "Gerald who is this man!?"" "Don't ya recognize your own son Ma!?"

Monkeyofdoom44 · 1 points · Posted at 13:11:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd pay a good couple hundred to see someone do this irl, nonscripted.

[deleted] · 123 points · Posted at 03:46:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao this is some Alan Parish returning from Jumanji type shit

anniele27 · 35 points · Posted at 04:46:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have this dream like once a week that I go to my old house without remembering that I don’t live there anymore, and scare the new family

elliwhi · 126 points · Posted at 01:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is amazing😂😂😂😂

ackme · 19 points · Posted at 05:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"This is where we used to live..."

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 03:34:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best

FancyPotato22 · 24 points · Posted at 03:57:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hope you actually waltzed

spartan-44 · 59 points · Posted at 04:02:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait people sit together at wat breakfast. That’s an actual thing. Isn’t it just half aa bowl of cereal and then off to work?

Yousuckbutt · 34 points · Posted at 05:49:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel you Dude honestly my life's goal is that family breakfast and that weekend barbecue. Only kind of Fight Clubish lol.

Symmiie · 17 points · Posted at 06:26:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What clubish..?

Yousuckbutt · 15 points · Posted at 06:36:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Exactly.

PoiLethe · 1 points · Posted at 08:45:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turkey.

revital9 · 1 points · Posted at 12:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who even eats breakfast? Coffee and I'm out the door.

Scullys_Stunt_Double · 20 points · Posted at 03:58:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This should be the top story - I love it!!!

imlostinmyhead · 9 points · Posted at 06:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guess you should be glad you didn't go into your old room and kick your shoes off and take a nap

tw231116 · 5 points · Posted at 13:37:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My former roommate invited me to my old flat for drinks this week. Walked in the door and automatically opened the cupboard that used to be mine to hang up my coat. Weird how you don't forget these things.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:15:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My favourite one so far

minimuscleR · 2 points · Posted at 12:52:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did a similar thing yesterday! I moved out after living in the same house for 18 years. Came 'home' and went to the pantry and got some food out. LUCKILY my family still live there. not me though.

blueberryallen · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you came

musicaldigger · 1 points · Posted at 12:28:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

definitely thought you said you peed in the fridge like you would normally do

revital9 · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's been a while since I laughed so hard at a reddit comment. Thanks for the wonderful little story!

Duke--Nukem · 1 points · Posted at 16:52:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why weren't allowed in after this? It's not like you did it on purpose. I mean Id imagine everybody will have a good laugh and that's it. I'd also imagine they'd invited you to breakfast once you explained. That's what I would have done anyway.

Rdrdudet5 · 0 points · Posted at 11:58:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You cpuld saod you were hungry af from the construction work?

Le-Wren · 0 points · Posted at 07:20:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

SuperTucci.....Seattle area.....Tucci & Sons?

supertucci · 2 points · Posted at 13:38:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Naw we all are over but these are not me (nor the Chicago ones)

Le-Wren · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:17 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was worth a shot lol. Just would’ve been a funny coincidence

[deleted] · -15 points · Posted at 07:37:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

phuckman69 · 4 points · Posted at 08:03:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i want to believe!!!

Catsrecliner1 · 7768 points · Posted at 23:16:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife says she once ate pizza at a friend's house and, out of habit, threw the crust on the floor for the dog. Those friends didn't have a dog.

MentalPorphyry · 3854 points · Posted at 01:05:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I have set my plate on the floor for my dog to lick clean. We put our dog down in October.

Never been sadder to have to rinse food bits off my own dishes, man.

Edit: Thanks for the silver, mate. I dedicate it to the Very Good Bois who are with us and those who have moved on ahead.

Edit 2: woke up to Reddit gold! Thank you, internet Wise Man! Does Reddit give out frankincense and myrrh too?

MyBrassPiece · 979 points · Posted at 02:06:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hear that one bad. I always took the sausage off my pizza for my dog. Realized after I had picked all of them and eaten my pizza that he wasn't there waiting for his sausages. Had me feeling sick to my stomach for a while.

[deleted] · 30 points · Posted at 06:56:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm still missing my lil Beau. I do stuff like this all the time. It's been 3 years since he was killed when my landlord left the gate open....

MyBrassPiece · 20 points · Posted at 08:00:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yo, I am so fucking sorry to hear that. We put mine down when he got real sick, so that was a choice and the best one at the time, no matter how much it sucked. I was scared all the time over losing my fuzzy dude over some shit like that.

Little_Mel · 64 points · Posted at 06:40:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went from laughing so hard to tearing up.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 23 points · Posted at 11:58:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m sorry my dudes :( putting a pet down or losing one is hard.

We had to put down our lab Lucky 6 years ago and I still sometimes say Lucky instead of Bailey when talking to my mums dog

I hope you’re doing/getting better and I hope you all have an amazing Christmas.

MyBrassPiece · 6 points · Posted at 18:43:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gotta say (and i know a bunch of people in this thtead have said it was well) you are very kind with all of your replies and being so active in this post. You seem like a very relatable person and that is a trait I appreciate. I hope you have a very merry Christmas.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5 points · Posted at 00:19:35 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww thank you. I try to be, I’m always afraid I’m making it all about me instead of trying to show I can kind of understand where they are.

I hope you have a wonderful christmas and a brilliant new year.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 19:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We used to have a deaf dog and our signal for her to jump up onto our laps was patting the chest. She's no longer around but I still do that all the time when trying to get my current pups to come over to me. No reason at all. Just habit

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:58 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww I’m sorry bro. How long was your deaf puppy with you?

Have you got any pictures? What were/ are all their names?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:15:33 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

She was a purebred pure white short coat Jack Russell Terrier. We had her for about 13 years, her mother for 14 and her father for about 11. She was actually one of two deaf pups in her litter (of 8), but she was the only one we kept. We had got her parents when I was around 3 or 4

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 11:42:18 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww that’s hard, I’m so sorry. How are you coping?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:54:50 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, we ended up rescuing 3 new pups, two of which were literally off the street. Having a new doggo to take care of helps.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 17:13:15 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww that’s good! We always get revues.

We would drive past the rescue centre often on our way home from food shopping and every couple of years we go in “for a look” and come out with a dog lmao

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 21:50:21 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup, that's exactly how it works. One of our current pups was at an adoption day at pet smart and we got her cause she just gave my mom a look when she had gone in for something else

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 11:29:13 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awwww that’s sweet haha. I wish we had adoption days.

AubinCLemar · 20 points · Posted at 09:15:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just imagine somebody sobbing while they reluctantly finish their pizza, looking over at a smaller plate with pieces of sausage and no good boy/girl to eat it. Actually makes me want to cry...

CalydorEstalon · 10 points · Posted at 11:48:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow, that pizza had a LOT of onions. Freshly cut ones, too.

ViZeShadowZ · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:35 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

DO NOT FEED DOGS ONIONS

MyBrassPiece · 6 points · Posted at 18:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's pretty accurate to be honest. Still picking off sausage from my pizza over a year and a half later, and my stomach still twists up looking at it.

AubinCLemar · 4 points · Posted at 20:14:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sorry man, they're kids I know. I do hope you find some wholesomeness to override all this sadness you occasionally find yourself dealing with.

2ndChanceAtLife · 11 points · Posted at 12:15:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I picked the meat off my pizza for my dog this morning. Here's to the memory of your dog. Hugs.

jdcarlis · 6 points · Posted at 16:42:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah that’s tough. We put our dog scooby down. When my wife got home she would always yell scooby scooby do. He would come upstairs from the basement. First time she did it after he was gone she sobbed then I sobbed. It was very painful. Couple days later she caught herself almost doing it again. It was a tough adjustment after 8 years with that good boi.

Carl-n-Gary · 3 points · Posted at 17:28:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This whole thread IS me and my dog. It's so hard...even almost two years later.

MidnightRider3000 · 3 points · Posted at 17:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, same except my 1 year old gets done with a meal and half is on the floor. Was about to call for the dog then realized I have a new job 3 times a day. Though still enters my mind daily 2 months later

HoodedPotato · 3 points · Posted at 16:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This makes my heart ache, even though my dog is right next to me. Rest in peace, u/MyBrassPiece’s dog.

rolfraikou · 46 points · Posted at 03:28:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I catch myself doing the things I know my cat likes, and sometimes it freaks me out thinking about how someday I won't be able to do these things automatically anymore. :(

BotiaDario · 9 points · Posted at 04:32:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You'll find yourself in the middle of doing them anyway, and it'll break your heart all over again. I've experienced this dozens of times the last couple months.

mb913 · 79 points · Posted at 03:57:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s the toughest thing. Had to put my 7 year old doggo down two days ago because of cancer. Dropped food on the floor today by accident and called his name. Was so sad when I realized I’d have to clean it myself.

vetofthefield · 20 points · Posted at 06:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hang in there. Always remember he knows how much you loved him.

JoanOdinsdottir · 56 points · Posted at 01:25:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so sorry, dude.

HelloThisIsFrode · 40 points · Posted at 03:39:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dog died a week ago

I’ve been like “oh yeah just give it to the dog” too many times now, but thankfully my cats eat a lot of stuff. Never gonna beat Diva on that one though, she even ate a metal tube once (we couldn’t stop her) and just pooped silver once or twice :(

BotiaDario · 25 points · Posted at 04:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's so hard when you realize all those little things you did for them this way. We've lost two cats to cancer in the last two months, and the ways in which their lives fit into mine were so many more than I ever consciously knew until they weren't there anymore.

I'm sorry for your loss.

PsLJdogg · 13 points · Posted at 06:49:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents had to put my childhood dog down a few years ago. The first time I visited their house after he passed, I was expecting him to be at the door barking and wagging his tail when I came in. The silence was deafening when I opened the door :( Sorry to hear about your pup.

MambyPamby8 · 10 points · Posted at 08:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh lord. Them feels. When we put my pup down I'll never forget how silent the house was when we returned home from the vet. I still hear phantom sounds of her nails on the hard floor sometimes. I don't believe in ghosts etc but part of me hopes that's her still with me.

nuclearoutlet · 25 points · Posted at 04:00:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This broke my heart

tehmooch · 10 points · Posted at 07:48:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropped popcorn on the floor a week or so after putting my dog down. I hadn't had even the chance to pick food up off the floor in 11 years.

I broke down crying on the floor over dropped popcorn. I feel you.

Conflixx · 9 points · Posted at 08:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, I feel you. Our cat got hit two nights ago. We had to leave her with the vet. The next morning I wake up and one cat walks up to me... Usually the other one's really 'talkative'.. missed her so much.. luckily there's good news too, they could do surgery on her(remove her leg and stitching a muscle to keep the organs in place) and so far it seems she's going to make it. It's a pricey surgery though.. but she is 1 year old and I can't say goodbye to that fantastic beast yet. As long as she seems to be happy to still be alive when this is all over it'll be fucking worth it.

drsmoochum23 · 15 points · Posted at 04:55:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I own a 13 year old poodle mix named prince who pretty much have me semi trained to give him treats like bits of pecan shortbread cookies or a little bit of eggnog I don't know how much longer we have with him but it's going to take me some time once he is gone to get used to not sneaking him treats anymore

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 8 points · Posted at 06:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Prince is a perfect name for a poodle!

skylarmt · 6 points · Posted at 06:36:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gotta have two dogs at all times for dish redundancy. When one dies, wait a month or two for decency then go shopping at the shelter.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 09:20:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sorry for your loss :-( Sounds like he was the best of doggos.

My mum put her dog down a little earlier in the year and I came over to be with her and say goodbye to him. She handled it incredibly well, had a proper long cuddle before he went to sleep, then I helped her bury him in our front garden.

It was only when she came back in to find the apple core she had carefully saved for him earlier in the day in her lunch box from work that she really lost it.

I hope that it gets easier for you, I’m sure your good boi is having a blast over the rainbow bridge.

lavendermacarons · 4 points · Posted at 06:52:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our dog passed away in October too. I miss everything we used to do for him.

MambyPamby8 · 6 points · Posted at 08:19:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awh man I did that a few times after my pup passed. I kept calling her in for her favourite foods or turn to ask her if she wants pizza crust. It's fucking heartbreaking. Took me a while to get used to not having her there. It's amazing the habits we form around dogs through out their lives. For a while after mine passed, I still planned my evenings around her walkies. Was weeks before I stopped doing that.

AubinCLemar · 4 points · Posted at 09:14:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😇 All dogs go to heaven.

scott_himself · 4 points · Posted at 08:12:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not looking forward to this. The first time I need to sweep where I eat at the counter is going to fucking kill me.

MentalPorphyry · 1 points · Posted at 17:46:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, the sweeping. I have to sweep so much more now. I kind of hate my broom.

dannixxphantom · 4 points · Posted at 08:15:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's been two months. I still loudly announce my arrival home by shouting "nugget child!" which was a stupid nickname I called my Nikki. She caught on and would realize it was me specifically and would come rattling across the hardwood kitchen to me at mach 5. I still call for her and eagerly look under the table when I have broccoli for dinner, which we always shared.

Fuck it hurts. I'm sorry you had to go through it as well. Dogs are family, man.

CalydorEstalon · 4 points · Posted at 11:47:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I accidentally drop a french fry on the floor while putting them on the plate I always go "Careful, it's hot!"

That was painful after she died.

ThickDiggerNick · 3 points · Posted at 05:38:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof

CatOThoiscool · 3 points · Posted at 07:35:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

R.I.P

ApprehensiveEmphasis · 3 points · Posted at 15:50:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dog used to sleep in our laundry baskets inside the laundry room attached to the garage. For a good year after we had to put her down, I would come in from the garage and automatically look for her in the basket. It wrenched my heart every time I realized she was never going to be there again.

kaelllcox · 3 points · Posted at 17:28:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My family's dog just passed. He would get really excited when my dad would put his socks on. Enough so, that my dad would walk around for a couple minutes playing with him so he could put his socks on without being harassed. Now, in the morning, my dad walks around for a few minutes with his socks in his hand aimlessly. It's weird how small things turn into a routine and a habit.

jivedinmypants · 3 points · Posted at 19:14:32 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had this happen to me a few times except it was with the sliding door. Whenever I'd wake up, I'd usually open the door to let my dog out to do his business, do my morning routine, and then let him back in before I left for work.

I've had a few occasions where my auto-pilot brain thought not only did I still have my dog, but I'd already gone through the first two steps, so I'd open the door to let my dog back in.

Needless to say, there have been a few mornings where I'd stand at the door and some to the sad realization that my Eddie wasn't coming back. :(

MentalPorphyry · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:16 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww, dude. My dog's name was Eddie, too. And my sliding door barely gets used without him around.

vonMishka · 2 points · Posted at 07:33:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel you. I’ve done this. Awful

sunshineBillie · 2 points · Posted at 10:52:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my gosh, I can 100% relate with this. For a few months in early 2017 I owned an itty bitty chihuahua/pom mix, and I never actively gave him people food, but I wouldn’t stop him from cleaning up stuff I dropped on the floor like a klutz.

Sadly, he was run over shortly after I got him and had to be put down. For weeks after I’d call his name if I dropped crumbs or food in the floor, then remember he was gone and sadly sweep the food up.

On a less tragic note, I got similar feels earlier this year when I fostered a friend’s German Shepherd for like three months. She stayed in my room, and whenever I was outside the room she’d lay down against the door, so when I came back in I had to twist the knob and push a little then wait for her to get out of the way. I did that like a dozen times after her owner took her home, and felt a little sad each time that she wasn’t there.

missalex89 · 2 points · Posted at 16:15:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me cry. I lost my pup in August due to a stroke and I haven't been able to move on. I'm at work tearing up as I type this.

pleuvoir_etfianer · 2 points · Posted at 17:21:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

was laughing and now crying. thanks.

Random_182f2565 · 1 points · Posted at 15:49:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wasn't planning crying today.

Rainbow-Civilian · -7 points · Posted at 11:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me vom. Dog spit and dog shit and anal juice smeared on your plate? Dear god...😵

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 12:18:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude it's not like it goes back in the cupboard like that. It gets washed I'm sure.

CrazyCatLushie · 50 points · Posted at 00:48:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up with dogs and always saved a couple bites of whatever I was eating. I did this well into adulthood even after I moved out. I do not have a dog.

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 05:51:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[removed]

CrazyCatLushie · 12 points · Posted at 05:52:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have cats now (I’m disabled and a dog wouldn’t get the exercise it needs with me) but they don’t seem interested in my food very often!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 12:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weird cats.

CrazyCatLushie · 1 points · Posted at 22:58:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t eat meat. They only ever beg for food when I’m eating dairy products!

bungojot · 2 points · Posted at 14:06:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've got a cat like this. She will politely sniff any food you offer her, but won't eat anything except cat food.

scarlettliadan · 40 points · Posted at 01:32:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“I like this... Another!”

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 93 points · Posted at 23:24:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is now my worst fear about going to someone’s house. I often do that for my dog and sometimes my cat if she likes what she sees. How did the people react, do you know?

Catsrecliner1 · 15 points · Posted at 06:50:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Homeowners were definitely not impressed.

Officer_Hotpants · 27 points · Posted at 01:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that at a friend's house once. We both just stared at it for a few seconds. Had to explain that the pizza bone was meant for a dog.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 12:19:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pizza bone! Im stealing that. Thanks.

OMG_Nooo · 24 points · Posted at 01:33:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Your dog has your wife trained pretty well

SarcasticPuppy · 17 points · Posted at 02:34:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can’t tell you how many chicken nuggets, I’ve accidentally tossed in the backseat. Thinking my dog was with me. He always gets the last one.

floatingwithobrien · 11 points · Posted at 01:31:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was an adjustment when I came to college and no longer had dogs to clean up after me...

absolved · 11 points · Posted at 02:04:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes at work if I drop a chip or something on the floor I just leave it there for a bit....thinking my dog will get it

castlite · 8 points · Posted at 11:01:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had an old cat who could hear the unwrapping of a cheese slice for a sandwich from anywhere. She LOVED cheese slices. Unwrap the cheese, look down, and there she was. After she died, it took more than a year to stop looking down for her when making a sandwich :(

CogBlocker · 25 points · Posted at 02:04:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

why are you friends with people who don't have a dog

mmmgluten · 6 points · Posted at 02:39:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one's my favorite.

koookoookachoo · 5 points · Posted at 07:01:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She could throw them to me; I love crusts

craigzilla1 · 4 points · Posted at 15:57:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom did that when we were eating at a sit down pizza place. She even whistled for the dog.

Side story, I went to visit the folks on a stop on a road trip. Said goodbye to everyone including Sweets my childhood good girl. A month later I came home for Thanksgiving an upon walking into the house I whistled for her. They didn't tell me as soon as I left a month prior, mom had pops take her to the vet to be "sent to live on a farm upstate". She was old and couldn't see and had no bowl control. It was time. I still come home and whistle for her just to guilt my mom (been 20 years).

godh8sme · 3 points · Posted at 06:28:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To cover for her mistake she pulled the dog out of her purse and set it next to the pizza crust.

CruSherFL · 3 points · Posted at 10:29:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes tiny bits of food falls on the floor and I leave it there for my cat to eat... Next day the food is still lying on the floor and then realizing... RIP.

Danigirl_03 · 2 points · Posted at 16:42:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My hubs does something similar at work all the time. Our golden girl is 11 and has him trained to give her the last bite or two of food. So he always gets to the last bite and then looks for the dog. Even at work, the guys started noticing after about 6 months, that he would eat everything but the last bite pause look around confused and then eat it. Upside they now want a shop dog at work.

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 00:51:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's not very good for the dog

Shinime · 33 points · Posted at 01:08:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean it's not like they're eating pizza every day. Don't get just giving them some crust confused with that being all they feed them. As long as they're not doing this all the time, it's fine.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 02:19:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tomato is bad for dogs though js

TheDOPDeity · 22 points · Posted at 03:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, the famous crust topping of tomatoes.

Idiot.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 03:37:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow you took that personally lol

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 04:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In his defense it was a pretty stupid thing to say

[deleted] · -15 points · Posted at 04:15:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the whole world of people giving dogs pizza crusts, you don't think any of them have possibly been giving them tomato sauce without realizing tomatoes are bad for dogs 🤔 what's wrong with you lol

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 10:00:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A smear of tomato sauce on a crust is not bad for the dog either. Even a whole ripe tomato wouldn't harm a dog. You gotta learn to have some perspective.

[deleted] · -1 points · Posted at 19:12:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I'm not fucking brigading against tomato sauce I'm just telling you a fact about dogs that could be useful and you're all getting super mad about it. I count 14 people who can't take the blame for feeding their dogs tomatoes and want to be mad at me for telling them. Look, I get it. Growing up i gave my family dog pizza crusts and poptart crusts (cinnamon is also bad for dogs fyi) and now he is dying of stomach issues, and I feel terrible about it. I get that you don't want to feel guilty for the damage you've already caused. But really can you please just accept the information and do better from now on?

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 19:40:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just because people downvote you doesn't mean they're mad at you. It just means that either your point has been irrelevant or wrong, or that you've been annoying. All three in this case. Pizza crust has barely anything to do with tomatoes. Tomato sauce in sensible quantities doesn't harm dogs. And you've been annoying by refusing to listen to reason.

I'm sorry you got called an idiot here, I think that was just rude. I'm also sorry about your dog. Most dogs will develop health issues in old age and you shouldn't blame yourself. Cinnamon is not toxic for dogs (again, sensible quantities!) and, again, neither are ripe tomatoes without green parts.

Obviously a dog's diet should be better than wheat flour and sugar, but giving them those empty calories as a treat once in a while is perfectly safe, if they're not allergic to anything in it. The only other issue is that it will encourage "begging" and you might not want that.

[deleted] · -1 points · Posted at 19:40:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol shut the fuck up you sound like a jerk. And I didn't say they're mad at me I said they can't handle the blame themselves so they try to push that anger or "annoyance" if that's what you think you're experiencing, at me.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 19:46:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you gonna pretend that you've been trolling now that I've shown that you've been wrong? Why not I guess, I don't mind. I'm glad I made my comments here so that others can read them and your misinformation doesn't spread. I also don't actually believe the dog story, but y'know, why not. No harm done.

Have a merry Christmas.

[deleted] · -1 points · Posted at 19:47:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope, I just don't need to say anything more because I said everything I needed to above and your comment is basically irrelevant and ignoring everything I said. I genuinely hope your dog dies on christmas. Merry christmas!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:17:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I genuinely hope your dog dies on christmas.

Gee you seem like such a pleasant and sensible sociopath. I bet you have lots of friends, huh? A great love life? Must be so.

Have you considered that people haven't had anything to blame themselves for since you're clearly wrong / have been lying? You never said anything about me calling you out on your bullshit. Go ahead, I like a bit of drama.

[deleted] · -18 points · Posted at 01:53:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Considering the crap fillers they put in pet food now it's certainly not helpful either. You wouldn't give a dog bread once a month why would you give them crust? Doesn't make sense to me.

ericbyo · 22 points · Posted at 03:19:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

dogs are omnivores, they will eat half rotten roadkill and drink out of stagnant puddles witb no problems, some pizza crust isnt gonna hurt it

GypsyBagelhands · 2 points · Posted at 13:37:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do. In general he eats a grain free homemade usually raw diet. A few pizza crusts once a month certainly aren't any more harmful to him than the entire pizza is to my family.

Ameritia · 2 points · Posted at 08:49:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do something pretty similar! If I'm ever at a friend's house and food drops on the ground I just leave it for my dog to find later... Forgetting that not everyone has a furry vacuum to pick up after me when I spill.

DressCodeBlack · 1 points · Posted at 14:03:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahaha this is the first one I laughed out loud

ANJohnson83 · 1 points · Posted at 16:29:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar—- with a human.

While out to eat with an acquaintance I was volunteering with, I went and grabbed one of her crotons out of her salad (like I have done with my mother since I was small).

I died a little inside when I realized what I did and offered to buy her a new salad (she declined).

partypooperpuppy · 1 points · Posted at 17:17:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

AND I THREW IT ON THE GROUND

dragon34 · 1 points · Posted at 21:56:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If my husband and I end up with a young kid we are also getting a dog. The cats will not be pleased. The cats will also not eat bits of food off the floor eagerly. I don't know how people without dogs have children. Do they just constantly mop their floors?

Catsrecliner1 · 2 points · Posted at 09:06:02 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never figured out how to clean an egg off the floor without a dog.

SmilingSkitty · -1 points · Posted at 09:57:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Terrible habit and practice

niapattenlooks · 9017 points · Posted at 23:20:14 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have 2 kids and am in the habit of pointing out things I think they’ll like (rainbows, the moon, nice dogs...). One day in work I turned to a young male childless colleague and said “Oh look over there, a cat!!” I got a weird look

Caira_Ru · 2912 points · Posted at 01:22:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've got 3 kids. On the way to work once I pointed to the sky and excitedly said "ooooh look! A helicopter!" . . To my empty car.

elementary_penguins · 129 points · Posted at 06:59:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not gonna lie, I'm a childless twenty-something year old guy and I do this while driving tired.

ykduke · 52 points · Posted at 11:52:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Beat me to it, except I do this even if I'm not tired. I like things that can fly.

isysopi201 · 13 points · Posted at 13:06:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to name em, Like ohh that's a Blackhawk! Or ohh jesus is that an Osprey?!

LookMaNoPride · 10 points · Posted at 14:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where are you driving?

dingdongeroo · 12 points · Posted at 15:02:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Syria

isysopi201 · 1 points · Posted at 18:56:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Close, New Jersey.

b0mmer · 2 points · Posted at 15:25:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

32 year old checking in, I do this to any friends that I am driving with.

FlaccidOctopus · 9 points · Posted at 13:32:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You need to let them go. The accident wasn't your fault.

wef1983 · 6 points · Posted at 14:47:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All. The. Time.

Look a train! Oh, that's right it's midnight and I just got off work...

nderflow · 4 points · Posted at 11:49:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was it kind of like this? https://youtu.be/ij06kLDKJrw?t=59

bazlurman · 3 points · Posted at 11:51:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

haha

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 13:21:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

to be fair I would be excited too

disxonnected · 3 points · Posted at 16:29:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't even have kids and I do this pretty much always... Sigh...

6inarowmakesitgo · 2 points · Posted at 15:59:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup, helis are cool.

scallywagless · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:51 on February 12, 2019 · (Permalink)

I got a shock once when I saw a plane flying.. at the airport.

That_Deaf_Guy · -3 points · Posted at 11:20:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah that's so sad... Alexa, play Despacito

namedan · -10 points · Posted at 11:25:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The implication is a bit dark... Are your kids alright? Did you actually have kids at all?

Miss-Deed · 4 points · Posted at 12:55:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They said they have 3 kids, and they were on their way to work. So, i'm guessing yeah, the kids are all right, they just didn't want to bring their children to work?

erial_ck · 2317 points · Posted at 00:42:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would be glad someone pointed out the cat.

My partner and I point out dogs to each other. Sometimes to a coworker I will say "DOGGY!" My coworkers might think I'm weird but at least they don't miss seeing the dog.

WiffleHat · 155 points · Posted at 02:21:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends and I point out dogs by saying "a friend!" I did this around my dad once and I could sense his disappointment lol

dannixxphantom · 70 points · Posted at 08:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend and I have a standing agreement. You may interrupt the other at any time to verbally and/or physically point out a dog. Also extends to cats.

Mettemarit8 · 9 points · Posted at 10:39:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our agreement goes so far that he may let the cat wake me up in the morning

sewflamingo · 49 points · Posted at 04:31:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving with my boss and colleagues and pointed out “train!!” Loudly in the middle of someone else talking.

syryquil · 35 points · Posted at 04:25:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Stevie_sub · 60 points · Posted at 03:47:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and all of my coworkers call out "Puppers!" anytime a dog passes our store. You're not alone :)

Edit: Puppers not peppers!

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 33 points · Posted at 06:21:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hey, Ted's taking Poblano for a walk!"

silly_gaijin · 8 points · Posted at 13:56:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Poblano Pupper" needs to be the name of a chihuahua. Like, now.

andrewq · 3 points · Posted at 20:47:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My pupper is named pepper!

JellyKapowski · 4 points · Posted at 10:17:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We've named the squirrels we see in the yard at work

shuzuko · 3 points · Posted at 13:42:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have a groundhog at work that everyone calls Alan.

Miriyl · 22 points · Posted at 11:15:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was telling this story at dinner tonight about how I had missed a ferry a while back. It was a stupid 3minute error that cost me an hour.

I then proceeded to nearly miss the next ferry because I was busy looking at some cats. Worth it.

kharmatika · 14 points · Posted at 11:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, ami the only one who does this no matter my relationship status/without kids? That’s just like, how I interact with people.

erial_ck · 11 points · Posted at 11:47:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dogs are important.

coxie1102 · 11 points · Posted at 10:19:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Normal people are boring anyways 😊

Keril · 9 points · Posted at 12:05:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm an assistant manager at a fast food resturant in Sweden, and no matter who is manning the Drive In (including myself), I expect everyone within earshot to me notified if there's a dog in the car pulling up. Doggos are the best.

shuzuko · 7 points · Posted at 13:26:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fiance and I are the same, only we say different dog noises for different size dogs. The extra small ones are yipyip, small is arf, medium is bark, and large is woof.

I was carpooling to Costco with my parents (gotta take advantage of that membership while we still live nearby, yo) and saw a large dog. Out of habit I said "woof!".... Right in the middle of one of my parents talking. Mom was driving but dad turned around and looked at me like I was crazy.

TheGreyMage · 4 points · Posted at 10:44:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got to take care of priorities right?

silly_gaijin · 3 points · Posted at 13:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd be your coworker saying, "Doggy? Where? OOH, DOGGY!"

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 13:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone waves at dogs you see sitting in a car, right?

Slider_0f_Elay · 2 points · Posted at 15:08:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on a work trip with my very mean boss driving. We pass some llamas and I say "llamas on my side". No regrets. He already thought I was weird and too silly. But f* that, if you can't enjoy these thing or fart jokes you are the missing out.

droidonomy · 2 points · Posted at 15:20:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

My wife and I do that too, and after spending a few hours with my sister in law, she asked us "do you guys point out every single dog to each other?"

"... Don't you guys?"

Miss-Deed · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We do the exact same thing with my SO, so i'd really appreciate that a lot, if you were my coworker.

blondechcky · 1 points · Posted at 13:11:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this no matter where I am or who im with.

dutchshelbs · 1 points · Posted at 13:51:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The hero we need

blastinMot · 1 points · Posted at 16:28:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zitchdog!

floatingwithobrien · 175 points · Posted at 01:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

CATS ARE GOOD FOR EVERYONE TO LOOK AT

CatzAgainstHumanity · 14 points · Posted at 02:58:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wholeheartedly agree!!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:51:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Usename doesnt checks out

[deleted] · 75 points · Posted at 01:10:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

People just point out animals all the time (e.g. saying "horses" when driving past a field of horses). I've definitely pointed at cat and said "cat" more than once.

Stevie_sub · 15 points · Posted at 03:48:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Moo moos!" Everytime I pass a field of cows haha.

NoiseIsTheCure · 2 points · Posted at 19:52:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our family moved out to a small town in the country 10 years ago, we see farm animals all the time driving outside town. We still like to point out all the cows and horses we see, or if we pass by a nice big field of corn.

marla-- · 45 points · Posted at 01:18:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i do this to everyone, with basically every animal i see. you didnt do anything wrong.

sonyaellenmann · 17 points · Posted at 02:48:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. People need to be aware of the cute critters!

catinthecupboard · 43 points · Posted at 04:17:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks ago I was at a bus stop with a complete stranger and all of a sudden he bellows "PUPPY!" and I turn around and see this adorable husky pup. Absolutely worth it. More people need to give puppy alerts.

Theo242 · 21 points · Posted at 07:18:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd think it was pretty normal if someone pointed out a cat to me

rand652 · 17 points · Posted at 10:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd be offended if they didn't

KindlyKangaroo · 14 points · Posted at 06:21:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a grown ass adult but I hope people will always point out cats, dogs, and deer to me anyway so I don't miss them!

halcyonights · 2 points · Posted at 11:44:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Around here, we flash our high beams to point out the deer, how sweet is that!!!

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 05:29:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love cats. I’d have looked at the cat

tiedupanddown · 10 points · Posted at 02:33:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving bandmates to rehearsal.

Look kids! A digger!

Jrme1315 · 10 points · Posted at 05:56:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have 2 kids. I've asked adults if they need to use the potty. I'm a 27 year old man, you can imagine the looks I've gotten...

motherofhugo · 11 points · Posted at 10:11:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I definitely do this anyways and I'm neither a mom nor a child

biosahn · 9 points · Posted at 04:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Babysat a 3 year old who likes to fall asleep in the car. I started pointing out tractors to keep him awake. My fiancé didn't appreciate me going "Oh wow! A big green one!!" an nearly hitting him with my gesture to the passenger side.

MagicIsMight62442 · 8 points · Posted at 11:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But it's a kitty! What kind of monster wouldn't want to see that?

iwanttoseeyousing · 14 points · Posted at 00:08:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you at least know him?

niapattenlooks · 13 points · Posted at 07:56:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah know him pretty well and from these responses I’m starting to think that he’s the weirdo

thesleepyCulverwitch · 6 points · Posted at 01:40:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this to my husband because I have much younger siblings!

KindlyKangaroo · 15 points · Posted at 06:20:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this to my husband because cat.

Barbara1182 · 5 points · Posted at 05:01:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked from home for a while & talked to myself. Went to work & had to make myself stop talking to myself.

csoup1414 · 6 points · Posted at 12:38:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After having my second kid, I went back to work and made a fresh pot of coffee for me and a coworker. I passed her in the hall and said "Oh, hey I made some c-o-f-f-e-e!" And spelled the word.

She goes "Uh, you mean coffee?" She was in her early 50s, she can spell and also doesn't act like a child when something you want is being kept secret lol

drgnpg · 4 points · Posted at 11:06:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think this is sweet! My SO and I send each other pictures of cute animals we see, we currently have: trash cat (a good omen), third floor good luck cat(which we recently found is actually TWO cats that look very similar) and doggy dogs!

HeroIsAGirlsName · 5 points · Posted at 13:24:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mum once told me that she misses pointing out horses/tractors/etc when she's driving. Every time she sees one she remembers her kids are all grown up and feels sad/bittersweet about it.

Ever since I've tried to remember to always point out any horses we pass.

1cculu5 · 3 points · Posted at 06:22:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll always point out the critters

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 10:16:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also do that. I don't have kids.

lagoon83 · 4 points · Posted at 13:33:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
niapattenlooks · 2 points · Posted at 15:12:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah that’s basically me. It’s an automatic response

NerdyBee · 3 points · Posted at 11:40:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was little my mum shouted ‘ooh look a sheep!’ While she was driving with my stepdad who at the time she had just started dating.

lanky_planky · 3 points · Posted at 16:30:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on a business trip doing due diligence in advance of our potential acquisition of a company. I had two toddlers at home at the time. As I walked along the outdoor campus of the company we were thinking of acquiring, accompanied by executives of both our company and the target, we passed underneath an arbor, which had a huge, colorful spider sitting in the middle of an amazingly intricate web. “Whoa! Check out that cool spider!” I shouted, pointing at it, stopping our acquisition discussion in mid sentence. One of my colleagues, looked at the stunned executives, and explained “He has little kids at home, don’t mind him.” Uncomfortable chuckles all around.

Well, F them, that was a VERY cool looking spider.

niapattenlooks · 1 points · Posted at 17:43:18 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Screw them!! How can people be so somber when there’s cool stuff to look at

frafeeccino · 2 points · Posted at 11:35:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that intentionally. Everyone should get to see the cat!

NixSpark · 2 points · Posted at 11:41:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad did this when I was really young but he was out driving with his boss "oh look a moo cow"

SuddenTerrible_Haiku · 2 points · Posted at 14:25:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with teenagers. Twice I've called one of them my son's name. Once I handed a kid something they asked for and I said, "what do you say?" In that singsong mom-teaching-toddler-manners voice.

To the kid's credit, he dipped his head and said, "thank you, Mrs. Suddenterrible"

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 14:34:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m an adult without kids but I do this anyway.

We used to do it all the time when I was like like

“I can see the sea side!”

“A plane!”

“Rainboooooow!”

I honestly don’t even care I love doing it.

I_chose_a_nickname · 2 points · Posted at 15:02:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's really weird to think how easily humans can be conditioned (being exposed to/doing something repetitively that it just becomes instinct).

I remember seeing a comment a couple years back on an askreddit thread which basically said how this dude's GF sang 'In the arms of an angel' every time they had sex. Then one day, his GF hummed it randomly and he got an erection.

IntrospectiveSelf · 2 points · Posted at 15:26:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my son was younger (about 3) he was OBSESSED with garbage trucks...so anytime we would go or drive anywhere we were on the look out for them and I would point them out...when I was with friends or co-workers I would often say "oh look, there's a garbage trucks"..

I would do this out of habit many times when with other adults. They began to think I had a weird obsession with garbage trucks

iwishtodie97 · 2 points · Posted at 15:36:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just wanted to say I was thinking about this one today. Such a sweet thing. You show him a cat if you want to!!

AsphaltEardrum · 2 points · Posted at 16:23:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have two kids, and once told some coworkers in my office that I would be back in a minute because “I have to go potty”.

knopflerpettydylan · 2 points · Posted at 17:25:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd be perfectly happy to have a cat pointed out to me tbh

peanutbutterjuggler · 2 points · Posted at 09:51:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LMFAO

min_imalist · 1 points · Posted at 11:53:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have no children. I still do that. To myself. I am the children.

wrathbot · 1 points · Posted at 12:05:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have drawn adult passengers’ attentions to garbage trucks on more than one occasion...

13fingerfx · 1 points · Posted at 12:07:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have no children and point out every dog and cat I see to anyone I’m with.

Kaze_Chan · 1 points · Posted at 12:14:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a childless adult but people better point out cute animals they are seing when I'm with them or we can't be friends anymore. My boyfriend sends me pictures of cute pets he meets at work all the time and most of my friends will absolutely point out every cute dog or whatever else they are seing to me too. My mother wants to see every cute animal as well so I might have inherited that trait from her.

Americanbeercowboy · 1 points · Posted at 12:17:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uh, if you pointed out a cat I would get very excited. Possibly more so than a child.

Bellamy1715 · 1 points · Posted at 12:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My adult friends do that for each other. Dogs, cats, cool looking cars. And cows. Especially cows.

teal_flamingo · 1 points · Posted at 12:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would like that and I'm a grown ass adult

Phelyckz · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm 22, no children and I do this. Not my fault cats are so pretty/cute/adorable.

midnightmoonlight180 · 1 points · Posted at 13:11:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in the city and finding a parking spot is about as good as finding a fallen star. When I'm a passenger in a car, I'm always unconsciously scanning for and pointing out spots, even if we're not looking to park

Bias_Turnip · 1 points · Posted at 13:15:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m 30+ years old and my husband is 40+ I still point out moo cows and baa lambs. Regardless of who is in the car.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:33:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a young male childless person, I love cats.

Ojos_Claros · 1 points · Posted at 13:48:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've got ADD. I do this regularly....

jackydullboy · 1 points · Posted at 14:32:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a young male childless colleague. I would have appreciated you pointing out a cat. Guy sounds like a downer.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:50:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m 31 and kidless and do this all the time. My friends do too. Thought it was the norm.

bigchicago04 · 1 points · Posted at 15:03:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got no kids and would be very happy you told me that.

vector78 · 1 points · Posted at 15:22:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm childless young person and I would appreciate you pointing out pretty things to me. I'd say lets go pet the cat!

The_Frogs · 1 points · Posted at 15:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would love if my coworkers tell me every time they see a cat.

hhHolmes09 · 1 points · Posted at 15:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dont have kids but would 100% do this.

EnlightenedLazySloth · 1 points · Posted at 16:09:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol I'm 22 and my boyfriend does this to every cute dog or cat he sees cause he knows I get excited when I see them.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:27:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't have any kids and I will absolutely interrupt people to call out any cats that I see. My wife and I will call each other at work just to talk about the super fluffy cat we just saw.

ZamorakHawk · 1 points · Posted at 18:13:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

M'lady always would use our son to make jabs at me. Like 'can you say Daddy mommy asked you to do the dishes'? Great passive aggressiveness weirdness. But she did so habitually even when our son wasn't around.

SuperHotelWorker · 1 points · Posted at 19:23:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband and I have no kids. We do that with each other.

strawberryblueart · 1 points · Posted at 20:07:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I honestly wouldn't see how this is weird if someone did that with me. I want to see the kitty. Thank you.

b14nn · 23790 points · Posted at 22:43:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was signing for a parcel on one of those electronic things delivery drivers use, and I wasn't paying any attention and ended up staring at it for a minute and then just drawing a straight line on the screen and handing it back

He was confused

whirlpool4 · 10446 points · Posted at 01:01:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

apparently so were you

TypeOneAuthor · 112 points · Posted at 05:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some reason this made me laugh harder than I should. Not just this story, but your reply as well.

Skibird610 · 45 points · Posted at 06:12:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, I’m in bed laughing like an idiot. It’s something I could see myself doing.

CSKING444 · 7 points · Posted at 09:09:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The delivery man will can see you doing that too

ShowALK32 · 12 points · Posted at 11:56:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How'd you know his name is Will?

purple_pine_cone · 25 points · Posted at 03:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ha!!

DaShaka9 · 22 points · Posted at 04:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ZING

WeeziMonkey · 5415 points · Posted at 01:50:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"He's been staring at it for really long... Is he maybe planning to draw something amazing to impress me?"

"Wait that's just a straight line wtf"

monkee09 · 151 points · Posted at 02:28:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always doodle a smiley face.

[deleted] · 191 points · Posted at 02:34:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when i did that, they groan, erase it and ask me to sign again :(

viper_dude08 · 289 points · Posted at 02:40:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then sign an angry face

3ViceAndreas · 123 points · Posted at 03:00:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then make an angry face

And throw it at them

Maybe knock them out and drag them inside

ChristianKS94 · 55 points · Posted at 03:09:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then you get to try the smiley again, but with a knife to the cheeks!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

mpturp · 55 points · Posted at 03:13:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You wanna know how I got these scarrrs?

Some crazy fuck domed me with my own clipboard on my delivery route and did this to me. I've been living off that lawsuit money for years!

ZyxStx · 13 points · Posted at 03:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Their buttcheeks, blood can be a great lubricant if there's an ample supply of it

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 03:29:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

3ViceAndreas · 3 points · Posted at 03:59:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe we can turn their buttocks into literal ground meat

After all, it is UPS Ground

P0sitive_Outlook · 21 points · Posted at 03:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A delivery driver once drove up to the dock at the factory where i work, and reversed part-way through, destroying a mobile stair set. The manager told him to leave and went to report him, but he refused to go without me signing his manifest:

.

.

"D͈̹̪̣̻̙͈̺͇̮̬̠̳̮̼͔̮̼ͬ͛͌̉̾͊ͫ̓ͬͯ̈ͅ ̖͚͇͍͖͈̺̱͙̼͇̱̬͎̅̍̊ͥͧ͂͐̔̉ͧ́̿ͮ̍ͭ͗̔I̼͓͖͚̞̝͚͖ͪͪ̈́̌͆̇́̆ͧ͗̆̅ͨͭ̈̚ͅ ̝͖͍̙͉̲͉̲͔ͧ̋̇ͯ̅̑̋̉͒̃͒̌̃̃C̩̜̥̹̥̜̰̼̩͈̗̩̣͕̳̥̮̬ͨ͋ͧ͗ ̙̪̥̫̖͚̯̔ͣ̊ͪ̆̑͛̀ͤ̎ͫ̂͋̈́̆ͤ̚K̲̠̝̫̐̑̏ͤ̍͆ͪ́ͮ̈́͊̎ͦ͐̃" ҉̛͇̻̱̺̼͞

.

3ViceAndreas · 7 points · Posted at 04:09:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to touch things with dick

P0sitive_Outlook · 5 points · Posted at 04:19:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started writing it, thought better of it and scribbled it out, then carried on scribbling.

It's good to have a scribble now and again.

3ViceAndreas · 2 points · Posted at 04:25:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahh, that is quite a positive outlook on things!

redlightsaber · 4 points · Posted at 03:25:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I award thee master IRL troll award for 2018.

Ceasar456 · 55 points · Posted at 02:40:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read a story on here about a guy that drew a dick butt when he was signing for his credit card purchase at Walmart and the manager had to call his credit company because his signature didn’t match... so he was just stuck standing there in line while the cashier was staring at the ding this guy drew on the screen

monkee09 · 3 points · Posted at 13:18:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

r/thathappened

Nobody checks to see if the signature matches anything. After signing the screen, have you ever had the cashier then ask for your credit card to compare to the signature on the back of your card? No. And the manager would only get involved if the cashier cared, and cashiers don't care.

Credit signatures were maybe looked at occassionally maybe 20 or more years ago, before there were dickbutts.

Ceasar456 · -1 points · Posted at 14:33:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a former cashier I have asked for people’s cards on large purchases to see if it matches... for most cards your supposed to do it for purchases over 50

mumbling_saint · 52 points · Posted at 02:34:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait a second... This is no normie straight line, this is the straightest line I have ever seen... I am going weak at the knees Rick

Will_Work_ForCats · 22 points · Posted at 02:35:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

EVERYTHING IS CROOKED

havron · 14 points · Posted at 03:02:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LAMBS TO THE COSMIC SLAUGHTER

whatsthepointnoe · 7 points · Posted at 03:46:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're awesome

Yonro0910 · 15 points · Posted at 03:11:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He drew a straight line without a ruler!

marl6894 · 23 points · Posted at 04:45:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I was once out at a restaurant with my ex when it came time to grab the check. The waiter gave me a tablet to sign, and rather than embarrass myself with a terrible electronic signature with that stylus pen, I just tried to write an X, but it kind of came out as a . The waiter was like "Whoa... is that your signature?! That's so fucking cool," and I played it off, like "Yeah, I always sign my name like that." My ex didn't stop laughing for like a full minute.

efreak2004 · 7 points · Posted at 05:09:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This page does not exist. ☹️

marl6894 · 6 points · Posted at 05:10:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, weird. Fixed now?

dougiefresh1233 · 2 points · Posted at 07:05:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 03:57:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Minimalistic art.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 04:21:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, I can't draw a nice straight line. Can y'all?

ShadowOvertaker · 3 points · Posted at 04:24:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But what if it was a really straight line?

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 05:26:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s modern art you probably wouldn’t get it

ben_g0 · 1 points · Posted at 16:27:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Since it's on a touch screen, it's modern electronic art even.

I bet he felt some great pride and accomplishment after that.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:59:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

microtransactions intensify

Walshy231231 · 2 points · Posted at 05:04:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So simple in design, so magnificent in meaning

evanluo · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

that’s impressive tbh.

DriedMiniFigs · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Underscore U. Underscore doesn’t conform to your fascist naming “rules”, sir. Good day.

NumberLady · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's Fine Art, sir.

TheSkesh · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s impressiveness depends on how straight he could get.

Narwhalinspace · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's called "art"

vpsj · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Modern Art

DonSoLow · 1 points · Posted at 06:24:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It would be impressive if it was a perfectly straight line.

Miss_Aia · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, that would leave an impression. I doubt he forgot that one for a while

I_love_pillows · 1 points · Posted at 08:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s conceptual art what do u know

/s

-ihavenoname- · 1 points · Posted at 09:06:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

„Those three cat faces have really flattened out“

Hyrulean705 · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe it was perfectly straight.

user_of_thine · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yay, drugs!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:02:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OP's name was "Blank".

Jhawk163 · 1 points · Posted at 12:02:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, if it's a really straight line, it'd still be really impressive.

Zwischenzug32 · 1 points · Posted at 15:54:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Art - its about who you know

pollypostmormon · 614 points · Posted at 02:35:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today when making a purchase by card, I picked up the stylus to sign the screen. I was confused about why I was having such a hard time forming the letters, until I noticed I was holding the stylus in my left hand. I am not left handed.

GenericHuman1203934 · 44 points · Posted at 03:21:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of that one time when I was playing smash (brawl) and I was doing horribly and it turns out my wiimote and nunchuck were switched lol

talones · 11 points · Posted at 05:29:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think you actually are left handed and had a stroke.

pollypostmormon · 8 points · Posted at 06:07:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shit. That explains so much.

jared555 · 8 points · Posted at 04:18:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Form letter s? Plural? Most of the time anymore my signature on those is J~~~~~~~~ unless it is a major purchase. Most do a miserable job of recognizing what you are writing and intent to sign is all that matters legally anyway.

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 04:27:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

lifesmaash · 5 points · Posted at 05:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Us drivers" is correct

(also: lol cute comment)

rockxroyalty · 12 points · Posted at 07:55:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It should actually be "we drivers"!

A little trick: remove the word "drivers" and see which word ("we" or "us") makes more sense in the sentence! :D /u/LottaLurky-LilLippy

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:25:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Us need a tie-breaker, please.

osbrew · 5 points · Posted at 13:18:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“There’s something I ought to tell you. I’m not left-handed either.”

pcnorden · 3 points · Posted at 11:21:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wha? You had to sign for purchasing via a debit card? In my 6 years of having a debit card I have never ever needed to sign a single paper when I was buying!

soflapistole · 2 points · Posted at 11:31:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then why are you smiling?

TheFiredrake42 · 118 points · Posted at 02:40:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar, except I wrote in $2. Like I was tipping him. He also was confused...

frostburner · 20 points · Posted at 05:35:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"That's my street Name."

Lich_Jesus · 35 points · Posted at 03:37:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This better be real. I can’t breathe

Edit. I’m not questioning your integrity, I’m drunk and it’s awesome

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 04:59:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t breathe

You literally can't even?

lestrades-mistress · 67 points · Posted at 03:24:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one made me laugh the most.

I had an eye doctor appointment today, and when I was asked to read the letters aloud, I momentarily forgot what the letter ‘z’ was and just stared in confusion. The doctor said “having trouble seeing that letter?” And I just stupidly blurped out ‘mm yep’. Figured it out three seconds after that.

Apparently the task of trying to focus my vision had all three of my brain cells occupied.

KerbJazzaz · 28 points · Posted at 03:38:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my, when I took a similar test there were circles with tiny openings. The directions of the openings had to be announced using "North", "north-east", etc. I failed the test because as the circles got increasingly smaller I had to focus more, which apparently hindered my ability to detect and enunciate the cardinal points.

I sat there, saw that the opening was south-west and stared at it for a moment, my mind being a blank sheet, and just said random cardinal points. The woman doing the test with me was like: "Wow, you really need glasses." I felt stupid and took the test once more after a good night of sleep. Yep, I don't need glasses.

lestrades-mistress · 18 points · Posted at 03:51:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LOL. My dumbass probably would have done the same thing. It’s like when you turn the radio down to see better when you’re driving-the act of concentrating your eyeballs is too great

jared555 · 3 points · Posted at 04:23:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would have been too tempted to design that with a couple 16 wind (North North East) or 32 wind (South East by East) directions just to mess with people.

RealSteele · 10 points · Posted at 06:12:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow this kind of happened to me too. I was partaking in a study in which I had to play this weird videogame while taking an MRI. I had to click a button when a certain image appeared. It was really easy, like identifying a profile of a dog, versus a giraffe but they were certain colors too. Like 1 red and the other 3 being blue.

Anyway, I thought to myself how easy it was. Immediately after I thought that, I wondered if I even remembered the instructions correctly and maybe I was doing it wrong the entire time? I spiraled into a full blown panic attack. I had to clamp my eyes shut and struggle to breathe. The people monitoring me asked why I wasn't hitting the button anymore, and if I was okay. But I didn't want to waste the session or their time so I said yes and tried to push through. I'm pretty sure it was a wasted session in the end. But the people running it must have thought I was a complete moron.

lestrades-mistress · 7 points · Posted at 07:51:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay but what if the game was a guise and the real test was to stress people out from the pressure of following instruction, and to prompt anxiety in the test subjects.

You would have aced that study

RealSteele · 4 points · Posted at 07:55:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha good point. I have no clue what their intent was. Sitting in an active mri machine for 30 minutes was a goddamn nightmare though. Never again!

whatsthepointnoe · 6 points · Posted at 03:48:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao, brain cell comment got me

This_Is_Tartar · 54 points · Posted at 02:27:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has me laughing harder than all the others and I don't know why

nickgrayiscool · 2 points · Posted at 05:26:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fucking same

sextonm36 · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too

a_flock_of_ravens · 1 points · Posted at 09:57:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came here to say the same but I have no original thoughts or reactions according to reddit.

Still though, this is the first one here I thoroughly cracked up at.

little-cali · 25 points · Posted at 01:27:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg this is amazing.

Sweet_Mama_Me · 21 points · Posted at 05:36:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My daughter was maybe 4 weeks old and the delivery driver knocked on my door.. I answered it and signed for a package probably with a line., get inside wondering about his look/confusion and realize I have a boob out... I'm totally like whatever I haven't slept in 4 weeks and it won't be the first or last time a stranger has sees the breast.,,

The UPS guy maybe more shocked ...

cgduncan · 15 points · Posted at 02:20:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favorite one!

trout9000 · 9 points · Posted at 03:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm working retail right now and sometimes when people hand me cash and then I look in the till my brain legit stops functioning. I don't know why this is happening

SuggestiveDetective · 5 points · Posted at 05:43:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the same. I told them, sorry, I went to public school.

trout9000 · 8 points · Posted at 06:26:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm really good at mental math. But you hand me cash, and I stare at more cash, I sort of freeze up occasionally. A glitch in my programming I guess

bigllama5 · 6 points · Posted at 03:38:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just use a smiley face for all electronic signatures. I can then prove that I didn't sign for a package or card transaction by looking at the signature and seeing it isn't a smiley face.

Plus, the bitches love it.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:43:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bet I know what's in those parcels....

OISss · 6 points · Posted at 03:28:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably thought you were high as shit...

llamasR4life · 6 points · Posted at 03:35:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The delivery guy handed me a pen to sign it instead of a stylus one time. I instinctively took the cap off the pen.

SingedWaffle · 6 points · Posted at 04:19:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"What's your name?"

"Straight. Lionel Straight."

A911owner · 5 points · Posted at 11:07:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I never take those things seriously when I'm in a store; for a while, my local Wal-Mart used to print a picture of whatever you wrote on the screen on the receipt, so I would draw pictures instead of signing them (I always used self-checkout). One day I did my drawings and an employee came over and said "we're just doing a random check of the signature to the card..." and looked at my receipt and saw a star and a smiley face. I just said "yeah...I don't really take these things seriously...I have other forms of ID I can show you" she just said "no" and handed me back the receipt and walked away. Which proves my long-standing theory that you can get away with just about anything so long as you can show that you're just slightly crazier than society thinks is possible.

werekitty93 · 5 points · Posted at 12:07:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a coffee place job when I was younger. I was super awkward and terrible at social interactions outside of the register. Manager tells me to take a menu to two guys sitting at a table that hadn't ordered anything. I walked up and said "Hi, welcome to..." and for the life of me, I couldn't remember where I was. Other popular chains popped into my head (Starbucks, Dunkin, etc) but I couldn't think of the place printed on my apron. Finally I remember, probably a minute or so passed, before I finished it like I was some kind of malfunctioning robot. They looked super confused. So much cringe.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 03:40:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why does this make me so happy.

Sombra95 · 5 points · Posted at 05:33:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm crying laughing at this imagery.

saxmaster98 · 3 points · Posted at 04:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did the exact same thing 2 hours ago. Don’t feel bad.

dafuzzbudd · 3 points · Posted at 04:20:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sir, your etch-esetch is in the box.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 04:44:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed way too hard at this

jonny2times42 · 3 points · Posted at 05:11:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once delivered pizza for a man who signed the debit card receipt by using his thumb nail to scratch a straight line across the signature line. He also didn't tip

Halbera · 3 points · Posted at 06:56:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a vehicle delivery driver, this probably wouldn't phase me. Im pretty tired most of the week so I might even take that moment to just stare with you and give my brain a quick break.

EffTwoCeeKay · 3 points · Posted at 08:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I once signed on one of those too, using an actual pen instead of his special one. He wasn't happy, but for some reason waited for me to finish my signature before hurridly retracting his machine to complain and rub the ink off

impressivepineapple · 3 points · Posted at 08:33:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I DID THIS ONCE with something someone was holding out for me to sign with pen & paper, except I just drew perfect uniform waves.

We both stared at it for a second, and then I was like “I’m just gonna redo that” and he was like “Yeah I don’t think my bosses would believe that was a real signature”

RoyBeer · 3 points · Posted at 08:43:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

just drawing a straight line on the screen and handing it back

This is what I've been doing all my life, because you can't really write with these things.

canine_canestas · 2 points · Posted at 03:28:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My signature for those things is a dick and balls.

vastowen · 2 points · Posted at 03:31:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God damn that got me good.

drphungky · 2 points · Posted at 03:38:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No tip.

Jond0331 · 2 points · Posted at 03:46:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do smiley faces sometimes on those things at stores. No one seems to notice.

Janie_C · 2 points · Posted at 04:00:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I do this kind of thing and I worry maybe I have some early onset dementia. What’s your age bracket? This has the potential to alleviate my fears.

ksaramander · 3 points · Posted at 09:53:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have this happen to me at work (fast food) with some regularity and I’m only 20

Janie_C · 1 points · Posted at 15:24:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So maybe it is stress and I am not doomed!

hurtnerfherder · 2 points · Posted at 05:09:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always draw dicks on those

Carlthellamakiller · 2 points · Posted at 05:21:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this one got me hahahahahahahahaha I can totally see myself doing this

DribbledIntoABalloon · 2 points · Posted at 09:56:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a delivery driver, you’d be surprised how many people do exactly this..

SusanSto-Helit · 2 points · Posted at 13:07:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

JFC I was asked my name last week and answered my company. The double take on both counts was great

quadraticog · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"It's art".

nibblicious · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You started it...

WiseMagpie · 1 points · Posted at 10:38:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This cracked me up 😂

Anime0555 · 1 points · Posted at 11:32:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LMAO

TheeOr3 · 1 points · Posted at 12:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn’t know you were a doctor!

b14nn · 1 points · Posted at 14:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a nurse that's the funny thing, I sign stuff all day every day

goddamit_iamwasted · 1 points · Posted at 12:32:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one got me good. Currently pooping and I pooped and laughed at the same time. 10/10 would poop and laugh again.

ancientflowers · 1 points · Posted at 12:54:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh so hard. I sign those most days at work. Usually I just do a quick scribble, hand it back and tell them my last name.

But I've had those times where I just kinda blank for a second looking at it. I've never just gone with a line though!

TocTheElder · 22472 points · Posted at 22:20:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go to the cinema to watch Quantum of Solace. Walk in five minutes late. Furious car chase on screen.

Instinctively try to find my seatbelt.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 7355 points · Posted at 22:34:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Safety first!

pl320709 · 65 points · Posted at 00:54:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then teamwork!

racistpuffs · 48 points · Posted at 01:40:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude I love your responses so much

Pfahli · 17 points · Posted at 01:51:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She’s not you dude, mate!

tummybobby · 11 points · Posted at 02:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't call him mate, buddy

JacobAlred · 8 points · Posted at 03:06:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't call him buddy, pal

whatsthepointnoe · 4 points · Posted at 04:03:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't call him pal, douche

whatsthepointnoe · 2 points · Posted at 04:04:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Edit. Lol sorry jk

Dusttyy · 4 points · Posted at 03:06:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He’s not your buddy, friend!

23Udon · 1 points · Posted at 05:48:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He's not your friend, man.

Xatix94 · 1 points · Posted at 01:54:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He’s not you mate bro

AdrianBrony · 4 points · Posted at 17:11:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's nothing lame about seatbelt safety

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5 points · Posted at 00:11:28 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

There most certainly is not! They’ll save your life in a moment.

Drewby5 · 78 points · Posted at 00:20:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I first started driving, anytime I sat down in a chair I instinctively went for a seat belt. Grabbing the air on top of my shoulder must've looked pretty weird to everyone else.

Randomd0g · 21 points · Posted at 00:55:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similarly when I try and drive on the "wrong" side of the road (I'm British, so near enough the rest of the world is different) I'll continually reach over my shoulder into thin air looking for a seatbelt

SimpleWayfarer · 232 points · Posted at 00:04:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sure you're not a time traveler trying to warn us about movies in the future?

vankr · 33 points · Posted at 00:53:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I find it suspicious that no one has denied this

birdhouseinursole · 10 points · Posted at 01:09:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They haven’t seen it yet

AndWeMay · 53 points · Posted at 00:39:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of the first time I got on the highway on my motorcycle. I panicked because I wasn't wearing my seatbelt.

GALACTICA-Actual- · 16 points · Posted at 02:12:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is honestly the thing that freaks me out about riding a motorcycle now. I hadn’t ridden in like a decade and a half, and then, tried my friends bike... not having that snug hug across my lap made me feel like I’d panic now!

AndWeMay · 8 points · Posted at 06:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oddly enough, when I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag it really helped, since it straps across your body like a seat belt.

[deleted] · 31 points · Posted at 00:40:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I can relate. I reached for my seatbelt at the end of The Force Awakens.

TocTheElder · 52 points · Posted at 00:41:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's pretty hilarious because you sat through over two hours of continuous movie, then went, "Okay, I'm in a car now."

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 01:16:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was more I thought I was on some fancy theme park ride.

[deleted] · 41 points · Posted at 01:07:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother and I went to see iron Man 3 in 3d. Smoked a huge blunt before we went and then proceeded to buy 2d tickets and sneak into the 3d one. People throw away the glasses after the show so we grabbed some old one. get into the movie high as balls. Sit down in some open seats and it's packed.well 15 mins in I look around and we are the only ones wearing glasses. It wasn't 3d

TocTheElder · 18 points · Posted at 01:10:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This literally happened to me with Infinity War this year. Except we didn't sneak in. We just walked into the 2D IMAX showing and put the glasses on. The showing was never advertised as 3D. For some reason the staff just gave us the glasses.

20 minutes in, I'm still trying to work out if the glasses are making any difference. I look around, realise I am high as fuck and looking like a complete retard. Both of my friends realised this way before I did.

Randomd0g · 15 points · Posted at 00:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

5 minutes late for the actual start of the MOVIE is impressive. That's about 40 minutes late for the time printed on the ticket!

TocTheElder · 13 points · Posted at 00:56:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair, this was in Qatar. It was a last minute decision to see it, and they were sometimes erratic with the amount of adverts back then. Once it was like 15 minutes, then the next time we went it was more like 30-40.

LordAlfrey · 13 points · Posted at 00:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some cinema seats make me feel unsafe because they remind me of carseats and there's no seatbelt

Schytheron · 9 points · Posted at 00:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should be kept far far away from VR.

DrLawrence101 · 12 points · Posted at 00:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a cinema goer/ bond fan you could have ended that at went to watch Quantun of Solace

NewLeaseOnLine · 2 points · Posted at 04:25:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to play count the number of cuts during the car chase without throwing up from nausea. Then marvel as Bond tackles the price of water in Bolivia. Riveting stuff.

Dead_Dispositioner · 5 points · Posted at 00:24:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to fly a lot for work. More than once I've twisted and turned in a cinema seat looking for the belt.

roskov · 7 points · Posted at 02:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve instinctively tried to buckle up in a number of places, including my office chair. For some reason my brain believes one must be belted into every seat.

introspeck · 5 points · Posted at 01:46:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On occasion, I'll get on my motorcycle and reach for the seatbelt. Oh yeah right.

jelvinjs7 · 3 points · Posted at 06:38:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I saw a one-person play and I was sitting pretty close to the front. At one point one of her characters said “Stand for the pledge of allegiance” and she happened to be looking right in my direction at that line, and I almost instinctively stood up, just as I was told. Thankfully I caught myself, but imagine what would’ve happened if i did do it.

vaynead · 7 points · Posted at 03:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into Skyfall 5 minutes late, big battle going on. Watch for about 15 minutes, exchanging confused looks with the girl I was with, seemed like we'd missed a lot. Then the credits roll, check tickets, we're in the wrong theatre. So now we're 20 minutes late, decided might as well catch the middle of the movie, see if it explains the end. We get into the correct screen and the trailers are still playing.

This is why I stopped trying to show up for movies 'on time'.

mountainsprouts · 3 points · Posted at 01:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister tried to find her seatbelt at the movie theater when she was high. No idea if there was a car chase at the time though.

FestiveSquid · 6 points · Posted at 00:57:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man that was a good movie, but I think Daniel Craig was his best in Casino Royale.

TocTheElder · 6 points · Posted at 00:58:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Agreed on both points, although Skyfall was my favourite of the four overall.

_ohm_my · 2 points · Posted at 01:05:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you trying to push the brake pedal too? Lol!

TheBalm · 2 points · Posted at 01:31:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You definitely want a seatbelt for that scene.

livinthing · 2 points · Posted at 02:47:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took the advice of the 90’s trailer voice guy to ‘strap yourself in’ a little too seriously.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:22:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was at the opera and fell asleep and woke up out of nowhere in panic because I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt

pls_be_unique · 2 points · Posted at 13:37:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How many furious car chases have you been in for that to be instinctive?

beaverscleaver · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that the first couple of times getting onto a motorcycle.

HMS404 · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Safety number one priority

my_own_muse · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember doing that pretty often in college. Get to class, take my notebook out of my backpack, put on my seatbelt...

BlueLeoBlood · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LMAO this one made me chuckle. I can imagine you jumping up with shock and your popcorn going everywhere "shit shit SHIT!!!"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You were essentially 20 mins late bc they show 15 mins of previews per movie.

Atheist_Simon_Haddad · 1 points · Posted at 04:11:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clunk Click Every Trip

darkbarf · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I too want to be this high

okayyeahwhatever2 · 1 points · Posted at 11:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clunk click every trip!

willi_con_carne · 1 points · Posted at 15:31:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done this sorta thing so many times

thest0rys0far · 1 points · Posted at 03:03:22 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

i don't know why but im freaking crying laughing over this one just imagining OP being like "oh shit" and reaching for a seatbelt

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 19:41:21 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever a character is under water in a movie I get a phantom pain in my chest (even if I was breathing). Stahp brain, it's not real.

TocTheElder · 1 points · Posted at 19:42:16 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to time them to see if they would have died or not.

-SammyP6- · -1 points · Posted at 01:07:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait, what cinema starts the movie on tine!?!? Ever single cinema I've been to has like 20-30 min of ads before the actual movie begins. For example it will say the move starts at 6, but at 6 it's just ads until 6:25 maybe. Most people come 5-10min late to miss some

[deleted] · -3 points · Posted at 01:00:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call bullshit. 5 min late and you'd be nowhere near the start of the actual movie

TocTheElder · 6 points · Posted at 01:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...five minutes late for the actual movie.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I know, I'm just poking at how movies these days have half an hour of ads first.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 00:49:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

TocTheElder · 3 points · Posted at 00:57:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

2008.

And you still had to wear a seatbelt back then.

It's kinda been a thing for a little while now.

Jakepaulerfan666 · 2 points · Posted at 00:59:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Of fuck feel really really retarded, I thought auto pilot, and put that to auto drive, like self driving

TocTheElder · 1 points · Posted at 01:03:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This gave me a chuckle.

productiveslacker73 · 541 points · Posted at 22:53:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stood in front of my work locker, pulled out my car key fob, and kept pushing "unlock"

TurtleMaster06 · 20 points · Posted at 09:45:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

misread “key fob” as “lobster” and got really confused as to why you were trying to unlock your work locker with a lobster

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:42:05 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the funniest mental image I've had in a while.

PureMitten · 8 points · Posted at 03:35:54 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock my apartment building door with my work badge. Tried to badge my way into work with my apartment key fob. Pulled my physical key out to try and unlock the apartment building key fob swipe scanner lock

I have 3 keys to enter buildings and it’s too much responsibility. But somehow I never end up mixing those up with my car keys

quasiix · 1 points · Posted at 07:45:36 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amount of times I've done this with my front door...

RollerKirbyDerby · 7341 points · Posted at 22:09:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I placed my cellphone in the fridge and left the milk out after making myself some cereal.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 236 points · Posted at 22:24:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Why your cellphone?

Reminds of this one time I was in the shower and my phone went off. I picked it up and went through the water without thinking. Realising what I had done, I went “oh shit” put it /back/ through the water and then brought it around the water before realising what I had done /again/.

wallflower7522 · 102 points · Posted at 23:50:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have ADHD and I’ve left everything in the fridge including my cell phone. . I’ve found the remote control on the back porch, in the fridge, and oddly enough onetime on the bedside table in front of the TV but it was the remote control for the living room tv. I’ve thrown my cell phone in the trash. One time I had to tell my mom I had to hang up from our phone call because I couldn’t find my cell phone.

[deleted] · 72 points · Posted at 00:50:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
1plus1equalsgender · 25 points · Posted at 00:59:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Breathing.exe has stopped working

Sicarius-de-lumine · 13 points · Posted at 02:54:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Warning! Critical error has occurred!

Executing unconsciousness.exe as Administrator.

mikeandike4000 · 4 points · Posted at 02:42:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heh I like your name

1plus1equalsgender · 5 points · Posted at 02:48:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thx lol

SciviasKnows · 9 points · Posted at 04:39:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of the best ADHD life pro tips I've figured out is that once you find something you've lost, don't move it, don't even touch it again until you need it. Because if you move it, you basically will have lost it all over again.

wallflower7522 · 2 points · Posted at 10:06:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s basically my system. My house is a cluttered mess most of the time.

bannana_surgery · 3 points · Posted at 14:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Huh. I just got diagnosed with ADHD this year and didn't realize it was why I did this. My organization method is leave everything the fuck out so I can see it or I will literally forget where it is or sometimes that I even have it.

Vermathorax · 9 points · Posted at 09:54:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As another person with ADHD. You are not alone... my most recent one was me at work looking for my lost access tag. I was walking around the office buzzing my way through all the security doors... with my 'lost' access tag.

RollerKirbyDerby · 24 points · Posted at 22:38:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Why your cellphone?

Usually when I eat, I listen to something on YouTube like comedy news or just any ole YouTube clip. I was sleepy and knew I had to return the milk to the fridge,and I had my phone in hand and whoops there it goes.

MyFacade · 2 points · Posted at 15:39:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

An asterisk on either side of a word puts it in italics.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 16:02:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes I forgot that you could do that so I used /this/ instead. Thank you though.

whomikehidden · 41 points · Posted at 02:41:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's how you get cold calls.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 04:38:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very underrated comment

Goblin_QueenQ · 32 points · Posted at 02:39:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I still get laughed at for that one time when dad found the cereal box in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. From what I’m seeing here I’m not alone. So that’s nice.

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 04:14:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are not alone...working night shifts for several years at a very physical job in a steel mill taught me two things. Check twice where you put things. Never cook when tired.

Goblin_QueenQ · 5 points · Posted at 04:14:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel there’s a fun story or two here. Do share.

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 04:35:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well...I did come home both mentally and physically exhausted one morning. It was so bad that my hands were shaking badly enough that it took just about a full minute to get my key into the front door lock. At the time I thought it was a little funny to feel like a 90 year old. Then I had the marvelous idea to have something simple for a quick meal before bed. Loaded up a baking pan with some fish and chips. Got it cooking. Decided to watch a little morning t.v. while I waited. (Sitting down was a mistake) Skip to six and a half hours later...wake up to a thick layer of really foul smelling smoke just above my head as I lay on the couch. For the next several weeks it was all you could smell when you walked into the house. All the food had shrunk to really tiny black squiggles and bricks. Sadly I was still very hungry. :(

Goblin_QueenQ · 7 points · Posted at 04:37:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That just makes me sad. Did you ever get your fish and chips?

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 04:53:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No ;( I had to have peanut butter sandwiches. It was a real pity party in my house that day.

Goblin_QueenQ · 6 points · Posted at 04:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well I’m glad that’s over then. No one should be deprived of their fish and chips.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 05:04:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Until you've smelled fish finger smoke first hand...you can't understand that it's never really over. It's so much worse than you think. Hahahaha soooo much worse

Goblin_QueenQ · 4 points · Posted at 05:06:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have this mental image of you right now with a thought cloud bubble vision of you eating fish sticks and a single tear just streaks it’s way down your cheek....

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol! I think I suffer from some kind of mental avoidance of them now. (Slight PTSD maybe?) Haven't eaten them in years...

Goblin_QueenQ · 2 points · Posted at 05:14:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll eat some in your honor.

MyFacade · 2 points · Posted at 15:47:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You need to to get some smoke detectors!

That could have been very bad, and with smoke detectors, it would have only been about a 20 minute accident.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:20:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do have two smoke detectors wired directly into a line that you can't directly turn off at the breaker...it seems I slept through them going off for the entire time. :(

RollerKirbyDerby · 6 points · Posted at 02:48:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's always nice to be amongst company. Even if their company is....goblins.

Goblin_QueenQ · 3 points · Posted at 03:26:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We all have our people.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 03:44:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's true...I just don't have a fondness for...goblins

Goblin_QueenQ · 3 points · Posted at 03:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s... disappointing... I love roller derby and rhyming names. I had truly hoped for a lasting friendship.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 03:57:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I mean no disrespect, your Highness. And I always look out for friendships, especially with those who can appreciate roller derby rhymes

But goblins... I have heard unsavory things.

Goblin_QueenQ · 3 points · Posted at 03:58:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever met a goblin? People tend to fear what they don’t understand and hate what they fear.

I feel that way about spiders.

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 04:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not personally, but I know people who have met with goblins. And they say goblins are , in the very least, not nice. Then again this came from the Goblin Slayer. So he might be a tad biased.

Goblin_QueenQ · 5 points · Posted at 04:16:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Quite. I don’t think I’m not nice. But that’s a double negative so now I’m confused.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You certainly seem very nice. For example, we are conversing instead of being locked in combat.

Goblin_QueenQ · 2 points · Posted at 04:24:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well thank you. You seem nice too. Since we’re already talking preconceived notions, I would probably not win in a skirmish against a roller derbyer anyway.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll let you in on a little secret: I've never actually done a roller derby in my life. I actually modeled this username after a thought involving Kirby, the lovable Nintendo character, participating in a roller derby where he was just in his ball form, racing against other Kirby's in ball form around a roller derby track. Kinda like Mario Kart, but without karts and just Kirby's

Goblin_QueenQ · 2 points · Posted at 04:40:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That might be the cutest thing Ive heard all week. Also- I’m not actually a goblin. :( I wish I had a cooler story behind my name though. I just really like David Bowie’s character in Labyrinth.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 04:48:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw well thank you! It is pretty cute, though in my mind there's a blue Kirby looking completely dismayed as he is about to run into a spike enemy while another just got lifted by a tornado. Fact the more I think about it, the more I really want to make it. Till I remember I can't draw.

And oooh that kind of goblin! Those goblins are chill, and I have only seen that movie when I was a young kid visiting my aunt. It spooked and fascinated me all at once. And David Bowie was a super fashionable Goblin King.

Goblin_QueenQ · 2 points · Posted at 04:50:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like you should be able to draw this Kirby scene. It’s a good idea. I mean... even if it’s not perfect it still might be cool to get it on paper.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 04:59:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh absolutely, but I'm not kidding when I say I suck at drawings. Plus, it would definitely look better if it was drawn digitally. Which I've never tried before. But since most of the Kirby's are round shapes... I might, if I had the time to do it right

Goblin_QueenQ · 2 points · Posted at 05:00:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day in the future I shall see the magical Kirby derby and I will think of you.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 05:07:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heh that's a beautiful thought, I'd like to see that too. Though the way you say it, you make it sound like this is the end. A poetic end, with promises of a future untold.

Goblin_QueenQ · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe because it was the literal end of the day, since it just turned Saturday ten minutes ago? I should be sleeping but visions of pink puffs dance in my head.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 05:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh shoot you're right. I didn't even notice it was past midnight.

And I can see that I have incepted Kirby into your mind. Why sleep when they're are Kirbys to appreciate?

Cindyclawsbee · 16 points · Posted at 04:37:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to drink two liquids almost exclusively growing up. Milk for cereal and Lipton Iced Tea. Woke up one morning thirsty so I wanted Iced tea, but my normal routine is wake up and immediately pour a bowl of cereal.

Poured myself a bowl of iced tea cereal. The whole time I'm pouring it, I'm thinking to myself, 'that's not right.' Did I stop? No, did I stare at the cereal for a good 30 seconds trying to figure out what was wrong? Yes.

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 04:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But did you eat it?

Cindyclawsbee · 9 points · Posted at 04:43:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol hell no. i was super particular (was?) about my cereal and threw it out. But I also loved my cereal so I felt bad throwing it out. I'm weird.

RollerKirbyDerby · 6 points · Posted at 04:58:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no I completely understand. I'd hate to throw out good food, but once it's been ruined to that extent...there's no other option.

I probably would have tried a few bites, trying to convince myself that hey it can't be so ba- oh dear God no get it out of my mouth

Cindyclawsbee · 5 points · Posted at 05:23:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was so long ago that I'm not sure if I actually tried and it was that bad or I just imagined how bad it would be.

RollerKirbyDerby · 4 points · Posted at 05:33:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe you should recreate it, just to be sure

Cindyclawsbee · 3 points · Posted at 05:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I no longer eat cereal >.<! This whole escapade was legit like 1998.

RollerKirbyDerby · 4 points · Posted at 05:53:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait you stopped eating cereal? But cereal is so good

Cindyclawsbee · 3 points · Posted at 06:54:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I eat meat and drink beer.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 07:21:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I eat meat and drink beer.

I do that too, but also have cereal. Why would that stop you?

Cindyclawsbee · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I joined the military in 2001 and stopped eating cereal, I found out that I can't drink milk without explosive stomach issues. After that I just never went back.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 16:36:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, yikes that's a...thing. I'm so sorry for your loss. Did military time cause you to lose your strength against milk?

Mom_is_watching · 16 points · Posted at 22:30:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found my sunglasses in the fridge one day.

RollerKirbyDerby · 36 points · Posted at 22:38:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

You must have been real chill for the rest of the day when you wore them

Spire · 11 points · Posted at 01:06:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've always wanted a really cool pair of shades.

MormonBikeRiding · 10 points · Posted at 02:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was staying at a friend's in highschool and the next day when we were getting ready to go get something to eat he couldn't find his phone. 30 minutes of us all looking for it, he jokes about checking the fridge. It was in the fridge.

RollerKirbyDerby · 5 points · Posted at 02:13:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The fridge holds everything.

MozartTheCat · 8 points · Posted at 01:21:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean this doesnt happen to me a lot, but it has happened often enough that if I'm looking everywhere for something and just not finding it, I will check the fridge

shweet44722 · 9 points · Posted at 02:47:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my friends did this too. Twice. Was talking to him on xbox live and he was looking everywhere for his phone. Found it when he went for a beer.

Two months later can't find it again, told him to check the fridge and lo and behold there it is. He thought I was a wizard until I reminded him he's done that before.

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 02:52:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uh oh, that's a problem.

shweet44722 · 3 points · Posted at 03:38:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He's not the sharpest tool in the shed to be fair.

a_leprechaun · 6 points · Posted at 02:42:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I had a bifold wallet, it was too big to comfortably keep in my pocket so I'd often take it out and set it on my desk or a table. More than once though it ended up in the freezer...

RollerKirbyDerby · 13 points · Posted at 02:49:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's some cold hard cash

ItsRobbyy · 6 points · Posted at 02:52:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I have a friend who did the exact same but he took the milk with him to his room. It sat there for the whole day, until his mom had come home and checked the fridge just to find a phone in there.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 02:53:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's a big yikes from me

thegreatgoatse · 2 points · Posted at 05:58:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left a jug of milk in a cabinet for a couple days. I was wondering why it seemed like I burned through that milk so quickly....

jacqeez · 6 points · Posted at 03:42:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m the king of leaving milk out over night, sometimes full gallons. Done it countless times. Alcohol is always involved and I am always positive I’m coming back for round two of cereal and just never make it back. To the point where it’s almost expected. I’ve also done it at relatives houses.

RollerKirbyDerby · 4 points · Posted at 04:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This hurts. Milk is so good :(

heisenbobo · 7 points · Posted at 03:45:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time, I ended up putting my cell phone in my bowl and then pouring in the milk, putting the cereal box in the fridge. Luckily this happened in the early years of the ip rated phones and I happened to have a decently water resistant one. The speaker grill smelled like fouled milk after a couple hours. Not my best early morning experience

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 04:05:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh damn I think this beats me.

LaneRPcomics · 5 points · Posted at 04:03:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And then you pulled reddit up on your milk jug for some light reading

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 04:22:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And that's when I realized that I couldn't scroll past top posts.

GuyM2004 · 6 points · Posted at 07:16:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you were doing something involving the fridge. This one time my phone was getting really hot, and for some reason my brain decided it's a good idea to just put it in the fridge, cut to me flipping the whole house upside down in search for the phone, I realized what happened only when the fridge started ringing.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 07:23:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But did it work though

GuyM2004 · 3 points · Posted at 09:27:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm, phone in fridge is a very effective way to cool it down. Just make sure your family isn't in the house when you forget it's there...

DeathlyVortex · 5 points · Posted at 02:43:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I put my milk in the pantry instead of the cereal once

sammiehurst · 5 points · Posted at 02:58:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I came home drunk one time with my cell phone in one hand and some restaurant leftovers in the other. Guess which one went into the fridge and which one sat on the table overnight?

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 03:01:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoops. I wish I could say I could blame being drunk on my phone placement in the fridge. I was just sober and dumb

tayloronni · 6 points · Posted at 03:33:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve put my wallet in the fridge and lost it for an entire day.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 03:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good thing you didn't have to go anywhere that day...right?

Bearlyamuggle · 3 points · Posted at 02:46:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk in the cabinet where the mugs go one morning

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 02:52:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ouch, how long did you leave it there for?

Bearlyamuggle · 4 points · Posted at 04:09:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad found it later that morning and then gave me endless shit for it.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 04:22:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Double ouch, I'm sorry for your loss.

zzMacro · 4 points · Posted at 02:51:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happens to the best of us

BatElmo · 5 points · Posted at 02:55:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have literally done this like 30 times I’m glad I’m not the only one

SnowyDelrico · 3 points · Posted at 03:10:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was that because it would get butter reception?

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 03:19:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha eeeyyy

DrSpookyFox · 4 points · Posted at 03:13:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks ago I put the box of cereal into the fridge and was walking to put the milk into the cabinet when I realized what I was doing.

RollerKirbyDerby · 4 points · Posted at 03:19:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the cereal box in the fridge though. Is that weird?

DrSpookyFox · 7 points · Posted at 05:24:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve never heard of anyone doing that...

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 05:33:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost everyone I know does it. It's not weird...

DrSpookyFox · 3 points · Posted at 05:44:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where are you from??

RollerKirbyDerby · 4 points · Posted at 05:46:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm from Puerto rico

DrSpookyFox · 3 points · Posted at 05:49:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess it’s a Puerto Rican thing then? I’m from Texas

RollerKirbyDerby · 4 points · Posted at 05:53:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's definitely not a Puerto Rican thing. It's a thing. Why you gotta make it weird man?

DrSpookyFox · 4 points · Posted at 06:18:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve literally never heard of anyone putting a box of cereal in the fridge 😅

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 06:27:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

W-well maybe you don't have breakfast outside of your house enough...

DrSpookyFox · 3 points · Posted at 06:44:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

B-but I’ve had cereal at so many peoples houses and had so many roommates...

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 06:47:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

T-then y'all are weird.../s

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 07:11:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least we’re a state!!/s

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 07:22:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh that's a low blow

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 07:26:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get Rekt

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 07:28:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least we have beautiful lush rainforests, tropical wildlife, and are essentially the Pearl of the Caribbean.

We also have delicious food growing feet from my door. Got plaintains, melons, mangoes, yams, and even cherries.

Get 360 no scoped /s

But in all seriousness, are we having a fight? It feels like this is getting heated.

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 07:37:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk sounds fake. The Virgin Islands are pretty great.

I grew peppers and cucumbers this year if that counts for anything!

I’m not actually serious about all this. I’ve only been there for like thirty minutes but Puerto Rico is wonderful <3

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 16:29:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peppers and cucumbers? Damn, that's awesome! The only peppers I've seen round here are a very spicy tropical kind. Super tiny but super potent. Right now I'm growing broccoli and eggplant. The broccoli surprises me, didn't think it would stand up to the heat but it does, lucky me.

And phew I thought I was gonna have to break out the big guns

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 16:34:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I have no clue what peppers they were. They were spicy ones I took out of an herb garden at school that I helped plant. They were super tasty. I think they were some kind of fish pepper but I’m not exactly sure. The cucumbers were Armenian cucumbers (I think) so they were the ones that grow real long and weird.

I thought about growing eggplant but didn’t know what I’d cook with them and I guess now that it’s technically winter it stays cool enough for the broccoli to grow there. I’m sure it’s the equivalent of fall weather here so I’m sure the broccoli loves it.

I know right? I was afraid I’d have to fly out there and whip some ass

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 19:33:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh please, you couldn't whoop theass of our gorgeous Latina women. They're beautiful and feisty and strong.

And eggplant is great for a little Turkish Casserole

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 19:36:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They’d kick the shit out of me and I’d probably like it too.

I’ve never had Turkish casserole before

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 20:40:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair, I would too. And I'm not even a a masochist.

And neither have I since I can't call my attempts at making it Turkish Casserole.

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 20:46:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll let em choke me out while they’re at it

It’s the thought that counts

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 21:16:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoa there, someone's a tad kinky

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 21:20:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You brought up latinas. I can’t help it

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 22:18:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always interesting to get a little sight into other redditors preference.

Out of curiosity...is it a light neck hold or ' I wanna see the light as I cum' kind of choke

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 22:23:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why not both?

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 22:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This took a hard left to kinky town. I'm at a loss for words

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 22:52:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wonder if I could be mayor there

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 23:06:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hold on there partner. You ain't kinkier then me however

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 00:23:27 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess we’ll find out on the campaign trail

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 00:30:22 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm already here, I've already made my mark

DrSpookyFox · 2 points · Posted at 00:43:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe you don’t have the kind of policies that they would like leading them tho

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 00:48:18 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh they'll like it, one way or another.

BoringNectarine · 2 points · Posted at 11:38:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably weird but I've done this so you aren't alone at least.

plasmax22 · 4 points · Posted at 03:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad's co worker (this man has like 1 or 2 PhDs) was so drunk that my moms phone was buzzing when he spent the night that he got pissed and put it in the freezer.

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 03:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

PhD well earned I see

plasmax22 · 3 points · Posted at 06:30:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly hahaha

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure everyone cooled off in that situation though

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 03:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I do this a lot. With my clothes usually. I go hunting around in the closet for my clothes, leave my phone in there and then go around asking everyone to call my phone so I can find it.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoops

DatDominican · 4 points · Posted at 05:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened to my dad .he lost his phone for a month. Even bought a new one and we found it in the vegetable drawer in the freezer

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 05:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoa, now that is a serious case of loss

KindlyKangaroo · 4 points · Posted at 05:28:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Husband lost his phone for a day or two and found it in the freezer. I guess he put it away with the food.

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 05:34:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did it still work afterwards?

KindlyKangaroo · 3 points · Posted at 05:36:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To this day, actually! He did that almost a year ago, I think. Still works without any issues.

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 05:41:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn, I'm impressed. Ask your husband if he thinks his phone is cooler now since then, I bet he will say"oh yeah"

KindlyKangaroo · 3 points · Posted at 05:48:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He just took the opportunity to brag about how his $15 dollar general smartphone has a better battery than my hand-me-down phone from my parents lol. The battery is the reason they got rid of it, though, it's not my fault!

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 05:52:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tell your husband an internet stranger got a 120 dollar smartphone free thanks to Obama.

Actually, this is weird using you as a messenger. Put your husband on, I'mma bout to throw down. /s

luckeegurrrl5683 · 4 points · Posted at 06:09:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my cell in the fridge once. I couldn't find it, so I went to the store and bought a new one. I went home and opened the fridge to eat leftovers I brought home. Found my old phone in the bag!

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 06:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How long was it before you decided it was lost to the void and that you needed to buy a new one?

luckeegurrrl5683 · 2 points · Posted at 05:45:32 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

About an hour. Then I dragged my husband to the store with me. Haaa!

DasBarenJager · 3 points · Posted at 04:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sleep walk and do this often if I try to make food in my sleep. I'll even sometimes put the milk in the cupboard with the cereal and leave the full bowl on the counter.

RollerKirbyDerby · 3 points · Posted at 04:40:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha that sounds pretty funny

DasBarenJager · 3 points · Posted at 04:45:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My room mates at the time hated it.

lolobean13 · 3 points · Posted at 05:08:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant and I do this all the time with my towels. I'll run around the kitchen looking for it only to find it bundled in the fridge.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I swear, the fridge is the only safe space

ophidianolivia · 3 points · Posted at 05:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After pouring myself a glass of milk, I have tried to put the milk lid onto my glass instead of the milk jug.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoops I, did it sink down into the milk?

ophidianolivia · 2 points · Posted at 14:10:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, no, thankfully I realized what was happening when it didn't manage to fit.

BatteredRose92 · 3 points · Posted at 07:11:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My son put the milk in the pantry...good thing I caught it.

Rickyyy_Spanishhh · 3 points · Posted at 07:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have found my TV remote in the fridge before 🤷‍♀️

inglesasolitaria · 2 points · Posted at 07:43:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex once left the PS4 controller in the fridge and brought a chunk of brie into the living room. Was very confused about what he’d done with the controller until I retraced his steps.

He would routinely do stuff like that, and when we became long distance he would call me asking where he left the remote or whatever and even if I was in a different country I would still know where to find it.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 16:30:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like he really needs you in his life

inglesasolitaria · 2 points · Posted at 07:38:23 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, his life kind of went to shit since I left him, but I deserve a life free from abuse.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 15:36:01 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, well that changes things. Glad to hear you were able to leave. I hear it's difficult to do so when inside.

inglesasolitaria · 2 points · Posted at 22:12:18 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you. Yeah it was tough and took me a lot longer than it should have, but I got there in the end. I don’t believe he’s a bad person, just very troubled. I wish him the best and forgive him but I have to take care of myself.

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 23:53:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's incredibly strong and beautiful of you. If say I wish you the best, but I think you have everything under control

microbane · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once made a bowl of cereal and put the milk in the cabinet. Didn't realize it until the next day. None of my roomates noticed it either I guess.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 19:31:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yikes, milk be dead

litskypancakes · 2 points · Posted at 08:13:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"You don’t like our movie, we can’t say the word “Blade”, there’s phones in the refrigerator! Oops."

sasoridomo · 2 points · Posted at 08:17:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was a kid i would walk around with the remote at my grandmothers, id sometimes leave the remote in the fridge after getting a drink 😂😂😂 my grandmother passed last weekend so thank you for this silly memory i can share over Christmas

RollerKirbyDerby · 2 points · Posted at 19:31:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw you're welcome, and I'm sorry for your loss

NBD_Pearen · 2 points · Posted at 08:52:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh fuck yeah, can’t even count how many times the milk has ended up in the cupboard after I use it.

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 19:31:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least 4

AubinCLemar · 2 points · Posted at 09:17:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost my box controller in the fridge for like a half hour one time. Unfortunately it was as simple as me knowing I'm capable of such dumb shit to actually bother to check the fridge.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My partner did this...

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 19:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoops

AwesomeGuyAlpha · 2 points · Posted at 10:19:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has happened to me a number of times. Lol

A_KEEEEED · 2 points · Posted at 11:51:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s just high me on a regular basis

trident042 · 2 points · Posted at 13:10:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I have definitely put milk back in the pantry and gotten as far as figuring out why the cereal won't fit where the milk goes in the fridge.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 13:24:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

did you ask someone to call your cellphone and hear it ringing in the fridge? 😂😂

RollerKirbyDerby · 1 points · Posted at 19:32:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol no, I figured it out when I wanted to browse Reddit but couldn't

zdakat · 2 points · Posted at 19:38:52 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Wait why did I bring the milk with me to work? ...aw snap."

Secretasari · 14487 points · Posted at 21:40:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was tired at the time, but sat down on the toilet thinking that the seat was up and just pissed all over the seat, floor and myself. Not a great thing to do ..or clean up at 3AM

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3214 points · Posted at 22:01:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! I’ve gotten as far as dribbling a little on the seat, but usually it’s freezing cold and I’m like whoa-ho-ho that’s the wrong seat. Were you half asleep until you realised it was all over the floor and seat?

Secretasari · 1832 points · Posted at 22:03:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our radiator is right next to our toilet and I had just had my sleeping meds increased. Warm toilet seats and heavy meds are a terrible mix. And, yes I was so dazed & sleepy I didn’t realise until I stood up to wipe and flush.

UncookedMarsupial · 99 points · Posted at 01:01:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're a woman. This is much worse now.

DaughterEarth · 65 points · Posted at 08:04:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so confused about how this comment made you realize she's a woman and then I remembered that guys don't wipe. Which, tbh, is something I've always considered to be weird.

GamrG33k · 56 points · Posted at 08:26:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some guys don't wipe.

DaughterEarth · 23 points · Posted at 08:27:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well in that case I'm glad some do wipe.

[deleted] · 62 points · Posted at 08:42:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

flurrypuff · 39 points · Posted at 09:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think many guys don’t wipe if they pee. Hence urinals don’t have toilet paper.

neralily · 20 points · Posted at 11:57:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shakey shakey tuck n' go

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:16:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read tuck as suck

HyperSpaceSurfer · 1 points · Posted at 18:20:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If there was toilet paper at the urinals they'd be clogged all the time. It's bad enough as it is, don't want to complicate things.

[deleted] · -1 points · Posted at 13:15:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

M'lady ;)

GamrG33k · -1 points · Posted at 14:39:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:D :D

TheBisBis · 18 points · Posted at 11:44:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

also the fact that if it was a man they would realise their peepee is not exactly in the correct place. yaknow, the guy would be sitting on his balls

UncookedMarsupial · 5 points · Posted at 13:22:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was that she sat down. That and a dude would notice his junk on the lid. Men either wipe, learn to shake well, or don't date much.

DaughterEarth · 5 points · Posted at 13:37:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

really I just ask that guys wash their dick prior to oral sex. You can do whatever otherwise if you wash it before it goes in someone's mouth

UncookedMarsupial · 3 points · Posted at 17:39:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It should be more customary for both parties to freshen up before the big to do.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 09:09:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

WillOrph · 5 points · Posted at 09:37:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

German men? 😂 In case this was not a joke: most German men stand when they pee. Just like in every other country.

Trigonix · 15 points · Posted at 09:46:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I’m at home or a a friends house I prefer to sit down, less cleaning needed for the owner (me or a friend). If I’m somewhere else I don’t care so much. (I’m German)

UncookedMarsupial · 5 points · Posted at 13:21:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is something I could see my old German roommate doing. If you're reading this, I miss you, Johonotron!

ReginaldDwight · 27 points · Posted at 01:55:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brava for cleaning up while being on heavy sleep meds!

Secretasari · 32 points · Posted at 08:02:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldn’t let my cats walk in it and then stomp their tiny piss covered feet around my house

NotDriftingFam · 70 points · Posted at 01:15:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stood up to wipe? Who tf does that?

JuniorSeniorTrainee · 96 points · Posted at 02:14:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This topic comes up a lot on reddit and the answer is: more people than you think.

Twisupp · 44 points · Posted at 03:22:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

THEYRE ALL WRONG

Kafferty3519 · 3 points · Posted at 13:31:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Warm toilet seats and heavy meds are a terrible mix.

/r/nocontext lol

Magic_Sex_Bomb · -13 points · Posted at 04:52:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahaha. Did you bounce the balled up pee tissue that you just wiped with off the toilet seat?
☝️🤣🤣🤣

legendary531 · 29 points · Posted at 23:25:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The guy version of this is opening the trash can and peeing in it, or almost doing it.

hellraisinhardass · 24 points · Posted at 03:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, watched my hungover sleepy buddy piss on my wall like he was standing at a urinal. Actually, i've seen this twice....maybe i should hang out with fewer drunks.

Kariered · 23 points · Posted at 01:28:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So once my dad got up in the middle of the night to pee. He fell asleep mid-pee and fell over and hit his head on the toilet tank and broke the toilet tank. Let's say he woke up fully after that when he got wet.

Straight_Unicorn · 9 points · Posted at 05:15:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picturing this made me laugh so hard. Hope he was ok though.

Mmmn_fries · 8 points · Posted at 05:51:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the flip side, I've gone to the bathroom in the middle of the night, half asleep, and fallen into the toilet because the seat was up.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 11:21:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had you already peed by then? Or was it relatively safe toilet water?

smarshall561 · 4 points · Posted at 10:20:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We're talking about the toilet "lid" correct?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 11:21:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, the toilet lid

DundieAwardWinner525 · 1187 points · Posted at 22:46:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband left the seat up one time. I went to pee in the middle of the night, so of course I left the lights off. It was cold and shocking. He almost died in his sleep that night, and I almost made my debut on Snapped

Secretasari · 310 points · Posted at 22:48:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bum & plum hitting the water?

AvatarofSleep · 276 points · Posted at 00:01:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I fall in, soaking my coot coot and poop chute is

ReginaPhilangee · 71 points · Posted at 00:19:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My pink pocket and my stink rocket fell in!

THEDumbasscus · 48 points · Posted at 01:06:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My please-hump-it and my cheese-trumpet

FlaccidOstrich · 3 points · Posted at 15:16:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's 2018 I can't tell which is which

RadRac · 3 points · Posted at 05:37:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lactose intolerant?

legitttz · 28 points · Posted at 00:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i ended up on the roof of a long john silvers.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 02:41:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not my worst Thursday night

legitttz · 2 points · Posted at 13:04:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

no knockers stuff? clearly i wasnt dealing with the top brass.

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 00:43:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

selflessass · 8 points · Posted at 01:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I adore Kate McKinnon! She is easily one of the funniest sketch comedian's I've ever seen.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 02:07:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Coot coot & poop shoot

motherwarrior · 37 points · Posted at 00:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to a woman I used to work with, but there was a small twist. She was eight months pregnant and could not get out of the toilet on her own. She was stuck for an hour and a half before he found her. She had tears streaming down her face and was frozen from the cold water. He apparently had the good sense not to laugh. How could he not hear you ask? Remember 40 years ago it was common to only have one bathroom in the house. It was unusual to have a bathroom per bedroom.

gwaydms · 8 points · Posted at 04:38:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The first house we lived in after moving to Texas had 3 br and 1 bath. For five people.

We had space heaters because no central heat. (No ac either, so after we lost power in a hurricane it was ok.) But the bathroom had a built-in gas jet heater that used fire bricks to radiate the heat into the room. It got pretty warm in there.

But of course with 5 people, you either got warmer water and a colder bathroom or vice versa.

joanna810 · 10 points · Posted at 05:27:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom as well except it’s with 11 people (don’t ask how)

gwaydms · 9 points · Posted at 05:35:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeeks. That sounds... inconvenient. And claustrophobic

TLBG · 6 points · Posted at 06:46:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We had 12 people, 2 bedrooms and one tiny bathroom so small you could do your business and wash your hands simultaneously. We had no shower, just a simple tub or I would have included a shower or bidet at the same time. (HOW we all managed all that time is beyond me.)

etherealwasp · 0 points · Posted at 06:45:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 people. Highly recommend.

tatanka01 · 21 points · Posted at 23:18:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd have a nightlight on that baby before next nightfall.

gwaydms · 5 points · Posted at 04:33:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our bidet seat has a blue light in it. We have to close the restroom door most of the way to make it dark at night.

Good things: you can definitely see if the seat is up or down or the lid is closed. Also, it seems to stop mold growth between cleanings in our hot humid climate.

Bonus in winter: seat is always warm.

WonderWoofy · 4 points · Posted at 07:09:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I replaced all the toilet seats in my house with Toto C100 toilet seats. Being male, I have come to often sit to pee in the winter because of the warm seat... especially at night. Pooping at work or elsewhere I refer to as having to live like a damn peasant with only dry paper to clean my ass. The warm air dryer takes forever to use on it's own though.

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 15:14:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do use a little paper to blot excess water before using the dryer.

WonderWoofy · 2 points · Posted at 22:29:10 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup, that's the only way to get out of the bathroom in under 30 minutes if trying to use the warm air dryer. What model do you have?

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 23:15:59 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brondell 1400. The one with the faulty circuit board :/ But I can reset it and it's fine.

WonderWoofy · 2 points · Posted at 23:40:50 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Faulty circuit board? Damn that sucks... but at least it is something you can work around. Does the water stay heated during the fault? Or is it the fancy tankless water heater type?

I went with Toto because even with the slight premium paid for the brand name, the Japanese are also the shit wizards from which these things originated. Plus I had visited Japan for the first time in my life (with my family of 4th gen Americanized but w/ 100% Japanese ancestry) and the fact that Toto was literally the only brand we saw there.

I did just buy a BioBidet w/ near feature parity for my sister-in-law for Christmas. We had a $100 gift limit, but she recently shared that she's expecting twins. So $300 toilet seat for the three of them, right? Pretty sure that's how it works.

Edit: Hot damn, you got the $700 Brondell?!?! Have you tried to RMA that, or have it fixed under the warranty? (Speaking of RMA.... used bidet seats were one used item I couldn't bring myself to accept. Even though I fully realized that public toilet seats are almost certainly orders of magnitude more shady.)

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 00:35:34 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, it was something like that. Fortunately, we live in a warm climate so a cool spray usually feels pretty good.

The temp regulator goes haywire once in a while, causing a scalding jet to hit me. I've learned to stop it quick and keep the tender bits out of the way. Once I reset it it's ok.

Edit: Amazon reviews don't give me a lot of hope about getting it repaired in a timely manner.

WonderWoofy · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:19 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn gwaydms, that is pretty fucked up. Especially since you picked up the one that should be one of the best models!

Well if you are ever looking to replace it or get another for a different throne, I highly recommend a Toto. I have not had any problems with any of the three I have installed. Beware that the C100 I mentioned is the kind with the controls attached. I honestly didn't think my household would be able to keep track of a remote control... at which point we'd have a normal, albeit warm, toilet seat again.

I've been told by someone I know that their customer service is very helpful. That's completely anecdotal evidence, I know. But it doesn't seem unreasonable that a country where personal and familial honor are held in such high regard, might have those societal traits carry over into business culture as well. I'd be much quicker to assume that a US company would be screwing me over, if for no other reason than our history of placing wealth as a sign of good character and moral superiority.

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 06:08:25 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brondell seats are made in SoKo.

WonderWoofy · 1 points · Posted at 08:17:34 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yes, I actually knew that. BioBidet is also made in SK.

I just got off on somewhat of a tangent about why I might be more inclined to trust a Japanese company, and ended up comparing it to my only real frame of legislative and cultural reference... the good old USA. I now see that it definitely read as though I was saying Brondell is a US company.

No idea how SK culture plays in to their business ethics, but I trust my Samsung solid state drives... and commend their open-source work. But the Japanese just seem particularly shame averse, so actual ethical business practices don't seem like a stretch necessarily. You know?

gwaydms · 1 points · Posted at 19:14:24 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, Toyota wasn't exactly a paragon of trustworthiness with their sudden acceleration problems.

WonderWoofy · 1 points · Posted at 19:39:02 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

You raise a good point. Although, that was determined not to be the irrationally feared drive-by-wire system, and rather the floor mats being pushed forward/installed improperly, or sometimes just pedal confusion.

Ultimately, any of those cases from any company should have been able to be mitigated with hard force applied to the brakes. The motor will never be able to overpower the full brunt of a set of disc brakes. I don't even think that my electric motor can overpower the brakes, even with all that torque.

Minzoik · 16 points · Posted at 00:12:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly, if you care about the cleanliness of your toilet/bathroom, it's better to sit and pee as a guy because the height and strength that we pee makes it splash all over the place (although small amounts). When you leave the toilet seat down, it not only has a chance of splashing on the seat itself, but it will splash on the bottom of the toilet seat as well.

srslybr0 · 21 points · Posted at 01:21:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i feel it'd be so much easier if everyone just peed in the shower at all times with the water running.

Minzoik · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s what I do in the morning lol

NaturalisticPhallacy · 9 points · Posted at 00:26:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

PUT A NIGHT LIGHT IN YOUR BATHROOM

You’re welcome.

BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG · 1 points · Posted at 20:24:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

our toilet lid lifts up and the bowl lights up when you walk in the room. i don’t like it. i don’t like it AT ALL.

mustacheofquestions · -1 points · Posted at 07:03:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seriously. Are all these people retarded?

Crumornus · 2 points · Posted at 09:19:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well they are falling into toilets so maybe....

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 00:26:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I never understand this, I’m a guy, but gender aside, how do you navigate to the bathroom without lights on. I always have to have something on or else I shoulder check a wall, bang my knee, trip over something. Idk how people can use the bathroom like that blind.

youbettalerkbitch · 7 points · Posted at 03:56:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even though I have an absolutely terrible mental map when it comes to directions, I weirdly can deftly walk around my home and at night without hurting myself. It’s only if something moves randomly, or if I’m at someone else’s house that I hurt myself. It’s like my body knows where everything is so my tired brain doesn’t have to.

Spinzel · 2 points · Posted at 14:44:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If there's an issue with randomly moving things, you might have yourself a poltergeist.

youbettalerkbitch · 3 points · Posted at 16:27:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, just a husband.

Spinzel · 2 points · Posted at 19:06:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stand by my previous statememt.

pcbuildthro · 66 points · Posted at 23:56:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This isnt meant to incite; but just hear me out. Why does it matter if the seat is left up? I dont leave it up myself Im just curious because it seems a bit of a nonsensical issue and Ive never really understood hooooow girls manage to have this happen to them regularly and again; Im not trying to judge I just dont see the difference between lid and seat down, or lid and seat up, either way youre adjusting it before you use the washroom - and not closing the lid is pretty gross from a bacteria perspective even if the lid is only marginally better.

So I guess my point is that the seat issue wouldnt be an issue if everyone used the other part of a toilet - the lid.

AvatarofSleep · 58 points · Posted at 00:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dated a girl briefly who did not have a toilet seat. I can only imagine she used the toilet backwards, like Butters.

She also didn't have sheets on her bed. That was weird.

CakeByThe0cean · 34 points · Posted at 00:33:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

She also didn't have sheets on her bed. That was weird.

I dated a guy for a while who slept under a fuzzy blanket on top of his completely made bed. So it was bed -> untouched sheets and comforter -> ex -> fuzzy blanket

Edit: oh I forgot the best part. Whenever we’d stay at my place, he’d sleep under the sheets and completely mess them up so I’d have to strip my bed to make it again.

choloepushoffmanni · 20 points · Posted at 01:13:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I do this too. My comforter is too warm for me and I prefer the feeling of a soft, lighter blanket on top. It’s also easier to make your bed in the morning.

PeeingCherub · 12 points · Posted at 03:09:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Efficient. Never have to change the sheets if you don't sleep in them.

Djedida · 5 points · Posted at 06:04:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am on my bed like that right now as I type this. The bed looks completely made except for the top blanket that I can just toss into the closet when I have company over. I've built a weird sort of bond with the blanket that I use to sleep on top of the bed with and I find it harder to sleep under other blankets.

rcorrrya · 1 points · Posted at 10:38:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was he in the military?

CakeByThe0cean · 1 points · Posted at 13:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope, just kind of a strange guy

the_fuego · 12 points · Posted at 00:07:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slept without sheets for the longest time. I was just lazy and couldn't bother to put them back on.

underwriter · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

you dated a junkie

AvatarofSleep · 6 points · Posted at 02:15:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, she wasn't a junkie. Just beans on pie fucking crazy.

May0naise · 68 points · Posted at 00:07:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone should be putting the lid down, and everyone should be trying to lift the lid every time. It would prevent so many accidental drop ins.

gwaydms · 9 points · Posted at 04:41:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Closing the lid before flushing won't prevent a fine spray of "eau de toilette" from geysering into the air, but it will block a lot of it (that's why we clean the underside of the lid, folks).

and_another_dude · 21 points · Posted at 00:14:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I leave the lid up. Never once dropped in because I put it down when I need to. Crazy.

DeliciousQuinoa · 29 points · Posted at 00:20:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when you flush, doesn't the bacteria go everywhere, though? I never really viewed it as a thing to do to be nice, or to avoid drop ins, it's just more hygenic. EDIT: Maybe that's just what my mother told me to avoid the hassle, though.

xXtaradeeXx · 29 points · Posted at 00:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ever since I was a little kid, I've been weird about bathrooms. My mom was TERRIBLE at washing her hands or leaving the seat down. Every. Time. I would remind her to put the lid down and wash. It wasn't until mythbusters used blue fluid that she believed me and cleaned up her act. I still panic when people come to my house and leave the lid up, but now I have cats so I use them as an excuse. People tend to put the lid down when there's two 12 pound Polydactyl cats that will kill you over getting wet.

AcceptableTale · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It goes everywhere regardless. Poop particles are everywhere in your house. Putting the lid down does nothing to change that and it's just fine to leave it up.

gwaydms · 6 points · Posted at 04:43:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They are. I prefer to have fewer of them flying around. It's not the bacteria per se, it's how many.

AcceptableTale · 0 points · Posted at 06:16:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It doesn't appreciably change the amount flying around.

Schmackter · 1 points · Posted at 13:10:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you know?

AcceptableTale · 1 points · Posted at 18:33:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There have been several studies done on this. Mythbusters is one that's most famously referenced.

Plus I thought it was common knowledge that small amounts of fecal matter are literally everywhere.

Schmackter · 1 points · Posted at 22:25:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Ah yes, the famous mythbusters study. So sorry, I let my subscription to that journal lapse.

How about this study from the American journal of Infection Control?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4692156/

AcceptableTale · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like more or less what I said. There is no known appreciable difference.

Schmackter · 0 points · Posted at 02:07:52 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Find for "lid"

"Settle plates were placed near the toilet and air was sampled at seat height, flush handle height, and midway in-between, with the toilet lid both up and down. Settle plates showed widespread dissemination of large droplets with the lid up but not with the lid down. C difficile was recovered from air sampled at heights up to 25 cm above the toilet seat and up to 90 minutes after flushing, at concentrations 12-fold greater with the lid up than with the lid down. "

AcceptableTale · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:03 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

It doesn't matter if it's 12 times higher when it's incredibly small. If you look at the results and the conclusions, you'll find that there's no evidence that either amount has any appreciable impact.

IamMrT · 1 points · Posted at 17:29:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mythbusters.

Schmackter · 1 points · Posted at 22:32:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
runekut · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Normally im all for altering my beliefs in light of new knowledge, but i refuse to acknowledge this as a fact. You must be wrong

dlerium · 3 points · Posted at 02:43:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mythbusters did a test with toothbrushes placed around the house. Fecal matter is everywhere.

AcceptableTale · 0 points · Posted at 03:36:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's everywhere. Doesn't matter what you do with the lid. So stop making extra work for everyone and don't close it.

WinterOfFire · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you expect it to be up, that’s fine.

Doctor_McKay · 3 points · Posted at 02:49:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live alone but I always close the lid to keep the dogs from drinking out of it.

drumstyx · 12 points · Posted at 00:24:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was an honest to goodness joke about how men and women get mad at eachother for no reason when cohabitating, and it turned into women believing that men SHOULD put the seat down.

viciousbreed · 5 points · Posted at 05:34:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it makes you feel better, one time when I was visiting a house full of dudes, I put the seat back up, since that was the way I found it.

drumstyx · 7 points · Posted at 07:00:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, I'm a guy and I always put the whole lid down, because that's what it's for -- to prevent a plume of waste water droplets entering your house when you flush, but I still don't see why it's a problem to put the toilet appliance into a state that works for you when you need to go... No one gets mad that they have to change the toaster settings for their bread, why do they get mad that they have to change the toilet for their business?

Dat_Harass · 3 points · Posted at 08:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

deserves a high five imo

Tomboy25525 · 8 points · Posted at 01:02:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you don’t normally have to put the seat back down it becomes habit to just sit down. It’s like a lot of these comments where your on auto pilot and don’t think about it. You normally don’t have to do you just sit down. Now you’re wet and pissed. Meanwhile the guys are used to putting it up it should be second nature to put it down.

And even if you normally put the lid down public restrooms typically don’t have lids so it still becomes a habit.

pcbuildthro · 13 points · Posted at 02:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So cause their habit interferes with your habit, theirs is wrong? Im just trying to understand here.

I dont really base my washroom experience on public restrooms either though, or Id be used to pissing into a urinal and ruining my walls everytime I came home.

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 02:36:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

IamMrT · 2 points · Posted at 17:31:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, it’s the same situation. If I go pee in the middle of the night, I will either have to open the lid or lift the seat. There’s no way around it without checking. The only reason you wouldn’t do so is if you have an expectation of it already being done. It’s only because we’ve set that precedent.

m1cro83hunt3r · 2 points · Posted at 12:34:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone sits on the toilet at some point. Every single person. Only men lift the seat though. So men should lower the seat when they’re done.

Unrelated, I’m also Team Lid Down.

pcbuildthro · 0 points · Posted at 22:26:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If youre team lid down youre also team use-your-eyes, so up or down is the same amount of effort

Tomboy25525 · 0 points · Posted at 06:39:56 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

My habit doesn’t get your ass wet when you go to the bathroom lol

pcbuildthro · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:13 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weird, 'cause thats exactly what it sounds like it does.

Izzie76 · 13 points · Posted at 00:00:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you leave the seat up, if you sit on it you fall in.

[deleted] · 20 points · Posted at 00:12:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

WinterOfFire · 14 points · Posted at 00:52:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you expect the seat to be up, its habit to check or lower it. Women do not leave the seat up. So if we were the last one, it would be down. In the dark, when tired or half asleep, or when blinded by turning the light on it’s hard to tell. You see an opening... lid is up... how wide is the rim? Wide enough to indicate the seat is down?

People here try to put milk in a microwave... brains on autopilot are not that detail oriented.

Izzie76 · 18 points · Posted at 00:26:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, I look down. But if it’s pitch dark and you don’t want to wake anybody up with the lights you might not see it’s up, or if you’re really tired you’ll forget.

IamMrT · 2 points · Posted at 17:32:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So just look at the toilet and check like all guys have to do always instead of bitching about it.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 09:46:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This comment section has several men saying they've sat down with the seat up, or sat on the lid. It's just what humans do on autopilot.

VicarOfAstaldo · 5 points · Posted at 00:42:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can pretty confidently say, it's a thing a lot of women don't do. For some reason. Other women will always look.

I don't get it. Is what it is.

rosemarysage · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

women back up to sit on the toilet, have you ever not looked down before sitting on a chair?

ForgotMyOldAccount7 · 15 points · Posted at 01:33:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They back up all the way from the door to the toilet?

I've literally never sat down on a toilet before looking.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 04:15:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Crumornus · -1 points · Posted at 09:16:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone should always be putting the lid down no excuses. Not doing so is just for the lazy and unhygienic. Every should also learn to have some personal accountability for where they are going to the bathroom. It's your own fault if you fall in, just like it's your own fault if you piss on the lid.

gwaydms · 0 points · Posted at 04:44:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you're half asleep and the seat is up it will happen. Give it time

dugant195 · 10 points · Posted at 00:06:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Its called eyes. Dont blame others for failing to use them. Everyone sits on the toilet, its appears only women seem to have this issue though

xXtaradeeXx · 27 points · Posted at 00:28:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband fell in one time in the middle of the night. He stopped leaving it up after that.

derawin07 · 3 points · Posted at 07:00:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

haha ultimate lesson learnt

teatabby · 18 points · Posted at 00:08:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you’re tired and it’s dark, you won’t notice and you’ll tumble in. It’s just courtesy to close it.

whywelive · 19 points · Posted at 00:12:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you're telling me if the lid was down, you'd piss on the lid?

funnyterminalillness · 30 points · Posted at 00:36:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's is literally a story in this thread about someone doing exactly that

hunterkll · 2 points · Posted at 00:13:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, you'd sit on it and feel it.

As for men, quite possibly yes, especially at 2am after the bar...

whywelive · 10 points · Posted at 00:21:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As for men, id lift it up and not assume it's up. lol I just don't see the logic. Lid should always be down and people should look before they sit.

Alaira314 · 3 points · Posted at 00:35:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I have to get up to pee in the middle of the night, I have to keep the lights off. If I turn on any lights, it wakes my brain up and I won't be able to fall back asleep. Sometimes just the act of being out of bed will accomplish that anyway, but turning the light on so I can look with my eyes guarantees it 100%.

So, that's the logic. It's not logic that works for you as an individual, but it's logic that's necessary for other people. It's also nothing that the person you replied to in the first place didn't already say, lol, so I'm not really sure why you asked in the first place. Did you expect a different answer?

Crumornus · 1 points · Posted at 09:18:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The logic that has other people falling in. Makes it seem like pretty flawed logic. You don't need to see the toilet with the lights on if you already know where it is to check if it's safe to sit down.

whywelive · 0 points · Posted at 01:26:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walk to the bathroom with my eyes close and feel for the lid. I don't turn lights on, I don't open my eyes. I feel towards the lid to make sure it's up. I'm confused as how you'd fall in if you'd feel?

Alaira314 · 1 points · Posted at 03:03:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Because I'm sleepy and clutching blankets around myself and don't think to go groping the toilet before sitting on it. Honestly, if the lid was down, that would be fine. The second that cold lid touched my bare ass, I'd notice. If the lid was up but the seat was down, that would also be fine, because then the toilet would work as anticipated. The only scenario that I have an issue with is seat up, because that's simply incompatible with sleepy me trying to locate a toilet to pee in without waking myself up all the way.

EDIT: Aha, reading up I see you were talking about the lid down. I forgot the conversation I was replying to, and assumed you were one of those "screw you I leave the seat up because mathematics says it's more efficient!" people. Still, my point(and the point of all the others) talking to you stands solid: we can't look with the lights off, and neither can you, so how are people supposed to "look before they sit" in your words? I'm pretty sure you're just looking for an argument, here.

whywelive · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's more of along the lines look/feel before you sit. While I try my best to put the seat down and put the lid down it happens sometimes where i forget. But blaming somebody for leaving it up while they themselves don't check doesn't make sense to me. But I guess I'm a guy so I don't understand.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, but I have sat on the lid when half asleep and in the dark

dugant195 · -10 points · Posted at 00:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah because all effort must come from the men....

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:39:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All the effort, good grief 🙄

teatabby · 4 points · Posted at 00:16:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, it’s just a nice gesture. Men don’t have to do anything if they don’t want to.

Class_CEO · 3 points · Posted at 01:15:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate that people don't use the lid. It frustrates me and grosses me out to no end.

IamMrT · 1 points · Posted at 17:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Because somehow we have created the expectation so much that women are never conditioned to check or do it themselves. I get yelled at when my sister falls in the toilet but yet nobody cares when a breaching turd is left for all to see.

Graynard · 3 points · Posted at 00:19:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you Clyde's mom?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:17:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving the seat up is good. That way you just lower it and never sit in wee.

chromofilmblurs · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nothing quite wakes you up like falling into the toilet at night.

Dat_Harass · 1 points · Posted at 08:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I see what you're saying but you've obviously never had a 120mm rocket land within 30 yards of your "bed." That'll make you piss yourself regardless of the seat position.

Crumornus · 0 points · Posted at 09:00:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You mean you forgot to check and see if the seat was in the correct position?

Desblade101 · 21 points · Posted at 01:06:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I sat down on the toilet and managed to pee between the rim of the bowl and the lid resulting in a puddle right in front of the toilet. I was little and I had no idea what had happened so I had to go get my mom because I thought the toilet was broken.

post_break · 16 points · Posted at 00:39:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sat down once and the lid was down. Like toilet completely closed. Sat on my balls and let out a primal Yelp. Glad no one was around cause that hurt and I had to poop too. Took a while to start the process over.

havron · 3 points · Posted at 03:07:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have done this too and can confirm it is a bad time.

post_break · 7 points · Posted at 03:22:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The feeling is so bad. You’ve finally made it, ready to relax, suddenly cold plastic. It’s like when you have two drinks on your desk, one fresh, one from 3 days ago and you grab the wrong one and take a swig.

havron · 3 points · Posted at 03:28:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes. Cold plastic and the imminent threat of your full body weight crushing your balls. Needless to say it's enough to snap any man right the fuck awake no matter the hour.

Madhippy · 25 points · Posted at 00:33:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw man, I was high as a kite and I found a really luxurious public bathroom, I was in the center of a really busy town and I just wanted to roll myself a joint, got inside the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, pulled out my rolling paper and everything when suddenly a fart comes by, I let it out and I decide to take a shit while I'm at it, only to realize that the toilet seat was down and my pants pulled up.

RoadRunner49 · 6 points · Posted at 07:32:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think you were teleported to hell

ShadtheImpaler · 10 points · Posted at 01:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this as well at a slumber party in middle school. I was staying at a friends house and had to pee badly. Ran to the bathroom, sat down and realized the seat was still down much too late. Piss went EVERYWHERE. Had to tell my friends and then her parents why/how I peed all over their bathroom toilet, floor and rug...

rockjock777 · 9 points · Posted at 03:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my god this would have destroyed any confidence I had in middle school which was already very very low. I did this when I was around 9 and we had a furry toilet seat cover. That went in the trash lol.

yetami · 4 points · Posted at 06:58:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

my younger sister had a friend over when she was in middle school who did the same thing exact thing, except not only did she have to tell our parents, I was also there!

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 00:54:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My aunt was wearing a robe, managed to pull down her pajamas, but forgot to move the robe so she just sat down and went for it. The piss sluiced down her robe and into her pants, she yelped, it was a pretty good Christmas

CandyLights · 8 points · Posted at 00:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of the first time I fell into the toilet bc my brother left the seat up. I screamed when I fell and woke up my entire family.

Spinzel · 1 points · Posted at 14:48:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

First time... 😯

CandyLights · 1 points · Posted at 14:56:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother never stopped being an asshole and I never stopped being distracted lol

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:56:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes yes I’ve done this so many times, only in recent years have I developed the habit of touching around the seat to make sure the lid is up. However, I have brothers so once and awhile my hand will touch the cold, sticky rim of the bare toilet instead of a seat and then I’m just tired and disgusted.

the_syco · 6 points · Posted at 02:06:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

From having worked in pubs/nightclubs, I have seen a few trousers covered in shit, on the inside, discarded next to a toilet with its lid closed,in the cubicles.

How did they walk home, is my only question :D

MentalPorphyry · 5 points · Posted at 00:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get one of those motion sensor toilet bowl night lights. Lights up the inside of the bowl with the color of your choice (I use green so it doesn't ruin my nightvision). But you'll only see the light if the lid is up!

_drumstic_ · 5 points · Posted at 01:47:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister fell asleep on the couch when we were kids, and when my parents told her to go to bed, she groggily got up, lifted the lid on the piano bench and sat to pee. Luckily they caught her in time.

tojoso · 4 points · Posted at 02:05:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My university roommate did the same thing, except instead of the toilet seat, he pissed all over my computer chair and then wandered back to his room.

StramashMageown · 3 points · Posted at 02:22:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom did this. Growing up the seat got put down, but the lid didn't. My girlfriend, now wife, trained me to put down the lid (I learn quickly). Did it whilst visiting my mother, as it had become habit by then. The next day my mom told me I'd made her piss on the lid.

tripsoverground · 3 points · Posted at 02:47:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I went to the bathroom, lifted the seat, pulled down my pants, sat down and started peeing. Then I realized I didn't pull my panties down.

delicious_tomato · 6 points · Posted at 02:37:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it makes you feel any better I got to the bathroom in time to pull my pants down, and the lid was down on the toilet.

PLUS SIDE: Didn’t shit my pants.

MINUS SIDE: Shat all over the lid, floor and everywhere else.

BONUS: Happened a few weeks ago and I’m 43 years old.

LESSON: Never trust a fart.

-m-v- · 3 points · Posted at 00:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I forgot to pull down my undies before peeing...three times...

thisisthewell · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this for the first time last year. Weirdest goddamn feeling.

PortraitBird · 2 points · Posted at 00:27:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that once! It wasn’t a lot of pee but afterwards I just sat there for a few moments, angry. Threw a towel on to it and showered. Then went and did laundry.

jem4water2 · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the exact same thing when I was about six. Sat there like ‘something’s not right...’

Secretasari · 1 points · Posted at 08:16:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Poor 6 year old you. FYI I’m 26 and I didn’t even think ‘somethings not right’ because of being so tired & dosed up on sleeping meds

ProtestingBanana · 2 points · Posted at 10:49:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that too! You are not on your own here lol

Sadye_Lady · 8148 points · Posted at 22:45:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a housekeeper and when we knock on a door we yell “housekeeping” and when we throw laundry down the chute we yell “heads” (so those below watch their heads). Anyway, one day I knocked on a door and loudly yelled “heads!” Later that day the back of my mind remembered my mistake and made sure to “correct it” but I over-corrected and stupidly yelled “housekeeping” down the laundry chute.

Officer_Hotpants · 2014 points · Posted at 01:39:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well once you've done that, you have to jump down the laundry chute. Gotta make your callouts count.

TheTurkeyVulture · 99 points · Posted at 05:00:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And throw laundry in the person’s face when they open the door.

EloquentGrl · 32 points · Posted at 06:07:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then you gotta change "heads" to "face!"

lucky_pupil · 11 points · Posted at 06:48:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woo! Got me with that one 😂

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 07:09:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Under rated comment

[deleted] · 1641 points · Posted at 00:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can just imagine that sigh of resignation as you stare down the laundry chute.

absolved · 121 points · Posted at 01:59:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thinking of someone knocking on the door and yelling HEADS and what the people in the room must have thought....OMG I'm crying. Of all the funny things in this thread, this one pushed me over the edge!

icecreamkth · 35 points · Posted at 05:04:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just managed to stop laughing and your comment just set me off again LMAO

MarcusRoland · 5 points · Posted at 12:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god me too please stop

FHazeCC · 54 points · Posted at 02:02:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm dying because I imagined someone in the room you were entering ducking when you really meant "housekeeping. "

I died more because I work in a nursing home and imagined a patient yelling "d'ahh!!!" and falling because of you. I'm going to hell.

Cleverusername531 · 108 points · Posted at 00:19:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Which is technically still true...

Made me laugh :)

abearcrime · 70 points · Posted at 01:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in housekeeping! Can confirm, because I've had this same experience. Really awkward thing to yell at an unexpecting victim.

[deleted] · 62 points · Posted at 02:05:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

meiyou_banda · 22 points · Posted at 04:54:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shouting "corner!" in the faces of unsuspecting strangers or "behind!" at the backs of their heads

dusty_douchewater · 17 points · Posted at 04:52:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't tell you how many times I've almost said "behind!" in public, or "sharp!" at home.

WolfDragonStarlit · 15 points · Posted at 05:38:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Being in Restaurant... Behind! Corner! Hot! and Sharp! are all *good things* to warn others of.

The husband just chuckles when I do it at home.

shiro98 · 12 points · Posted at 05:36:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of the time my colleague, whose working as a kitchen crew, was sent outside to the dining area because the dining staff can't handle the rush of customers.

We also do that: "heard", so we would acknowledge that we heard and understood the order that was called to us.

Anyway, my colleague was attending a customer, saying the usual spiel, writing down the orders. And when everything was done and was heading back, the customer made one more request, a glass of water, and my colleague responded with "heard", I don't know what the customer thought when he heard that but I know my colleague is pretty embarrassed when he said that.

jtr99 · 7 points · Posted at 07:09:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These are all very cool. I am going to start shouting them in the kitchen at home and see how it goes.

clevergirl_42 · 24 points · Posted at 02:30:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a nursing home and we knock before entering a residents room. I cant count how many doors I've absent mindedly knocked on where it wasnt necessary... including at home....

Paladin4Life · 21 points · Posted at 04:23:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Oh, housekeeping?"

looks directly up the chute

MarcusRoland · 9 points · Posted at 12:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The thought that sent me into a crying fit is one day we will have robot house cleaners that will get confused, scream house cleaning at the chute then dive down it. (Laughing crying)

blkbirdsinging · 14 points · Posted at 01:10:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That mental image just totally cracked me up XD

Victoria240 · 14 points · Posted at 03:14:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like if you had shouted that to me my immediate response would be, "Tails!"

1plus1equalsgender · 7 points · Posted at 01:03:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao

leodavidbr12 · 6 points · Posted at 02:20:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg, i'm crying

AaronVsMusic · 5 points · Posted at 07:14:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Oh good! Honey, our order of heads is here!”

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 07:46:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

HOUSEKEEPING BITCH Laundry to the face

3oons · 6 points · Posted at 03:36:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you a housekeeper at a hotel? If so - what's something I can do to make your life easier? Also- should I tip my housekeeper?

flomiesandhomies · 9 points · Posted at 05:20:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some hotels you can tip, some you can't. The front desk can usually answer any question you may have. As for making a house keepers life easier, you can take the sheets and pillow cases off the bed and put them in a pile with your used towels. Also, you can throw all your trash away, including used soaps and toiletries.

stagnantmagic · 3 points · Posted at 10:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

fyi, when i used to work as a room attendant some guests would leave a tip in the pillow case, as the hotel didn't allow for tipping otherwise

MonininS2 · 6 points · Posted at 05:10:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't stop laughing at that??? Why??? I choked! I've been laughing for 2 minutes! Not internet lol, actually laughing out loud and annoying neighbors at 3 am

Thanks. I wish everything good comes your way. That was magical lol

inaraiseverything · 6 points · Posted at 05:16:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too! Something about imagining this person yelling housekeeping into a laundry chute is so hilarious to me. Just when I think it's over, I think about it and laugh again

MonininS2 · 5 points · Posted at 05:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Isn't it??? I tried to explain why I was laughing and started all over

inaraiseverything · 3 points · Posted at 05:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so glad that my boyfriend just ignored my laughter, I wouldn't have been able to explain myself! I like that I'm not the only one

MonininS2 · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We're all in this together lol Also glad I'm not the only one

WolfDragonStarlit · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Still giggling over here.

herbman_the_german · 1 points · Posted at 07:50:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Methebarbarian · 3 points · Posted at 05:30:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Any chance you say “housekeeping” in the high pitched David Spade from Tommy Boy way? Cause that’s what me and my friends family always did when we knocked on doors so that’s how I read it for yours.

HowAmIDiamond · 3 points · Posted at 05:40:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why would someone have their head in the laundry chute? The only thing I can think of is people yelling into the chute which seems like we could easily solve that problem.

ConstantlyOnFire · 2 points · Posted at 14:05:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I assumed it was for people collecting laundry at the bottom of the chute? But maybe I’m wrong.

Uhhlaneuh · 2 points · Posted at 05:03:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Ever seen the movie black sheep?

Edit: I meant Tommy Boy

Methebarbarian · 2 points · Posted at 05:32:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s from Tommy Boy. But easy mistake there.

lucky_pupil · 3 points · Posted at 06:49:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What kinda hotel is this?

Uhhlaneuh · 1 points · Posted at 15:16:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoops! You’re right! Haha

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would definitely have responded "T...Tails?!"

TheOriginalNexuz · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed way too hard at this

notacreativeguy_ · 1 points · Posted at 11:33:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Perfectly balanced, as all things should be

pineapplepengwing · 1 points · Posted at 18:05:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kind of did the same thing once when I was calling my grandmother last week. I'm used to hearing her leave a voicemail and start it with "Hi [my name] it's grandma..." and so I absentmindedly started my voicemail to her off with "Hi [my name] it's grandma" and I only realized when my mom started laughing at me

Edit: I cant spell today

[deleted] · 43883 points · Posted at 22:11:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I was looking all over for my keys and finally thought that I might have left them in the car. I went outside and my car was locked. So I pulled my keys out of my pocket, unlocked the door, opened the door and realized how much of an idiot I am.

itsmarvin · 12959 points · Posted at 23:51:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The battery on my car remote went dead and I was late for work. I frantically press the unlock button to get it to work. No dice. I was like "shit, fuck, how do I get to work?! Should I work from home, I rather not though? Damnit! What to do!?"

Then I realized I could use the KEY. You know, that jagged metal thing you jab in keyholes?The key isn't even hidden in the remote.

PM_me_ur_launch_code · 3826 points · Posted at 00:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a guy come into the tire shop and ask if we had batteries for remotes as his died and couldn't get into his car. I asked if he tried the key and he looked at me and walked out.

Euchre · 311 points · Posted at 01:21:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a electronics store and replaced many a remote battery. Once, though, the woman who came in was 'stranded' after getting her morning coffee next door, her fob wouldn't open the car. It was a 'keyless ignition', so she had no idea there was a backup physical key in the remote itself. When I pulled it out to change the battery, she says "What's that?" and I said "Your backup key". It still took her a couple of minutes to realize what that meant, while I kept at the process of replacing her battery. She said she felt stupid, but she still bought the battery. Isn't like she didn't like the convenience.

PM_me_ur_launch_code · 140 points · Posted at 01:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair most people don't know about the back up key. Also if it's keyless ignition the car can still detect the dead key if held close enough to the ignition

Euchre · 79 points · Posted at 01:34:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it can detect it, it is because it isn't really totally dead. The vehicle will normally alert if the signal is low, at least on newer vehicles.

5-4-3-2-1-bang · 66 points · Posted at 02:28:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it can detect it, it is because it isn't really totally dead.

Depends on the vehicle. If it's a Ford, you can completely remove the battery and still start the car. There's a special spot in the center console where you can put the fob and it can power it.

Euchre · 20 points · Posted at 02:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is that conductive, or inductive?

I don't do Fords much, so I can't speak to that. I do know at least one manufacturer uses a passive resonant antenna in the fob for push button starting, in case the battery is dead. It might be Chrysler, can't recall exactly, but it is one where you can insert the key in a slot in the dash, but don't have to, and it doesn't have conductive contacts.

5-4-3-2-1-bang · 25 points · Posted at 03:04:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is that conductive, or inductive?

Well the area in question is fully carpeted, so I'm going with inductive.

I don't do Fords much, so I can't speak to that. I do know at least one manufacturer uses a passive resonant antenna

You just described inductive power.

but it is one where you can insert the key in a slot in the dash, but don't have to, and it doesn't have conductive contacts.

Old Priuses worked that way. There was a rectangle in the dash where you could put the fob if it was dead. Didn't have to if the battery was good, but you could.

Euchre · 17 points · Posted at 03:30:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A passive resonant antenna is not the same as inductive power. They are electromagnetically similar functions, but not the same. What I am describing is like the checkpoint devices on products you see in stores - those little white bar things that set off the doors. What they do is receive an outgoing signal and are tuned just off frequency from the one being transmitted, and radiate back a signal passively that is slightly stepped off from the one sent out. The transceiver device detects that slightly offset frequency to trigger the desired response - setting off a door alarm, or allowing the ignition to energize. An inductive powered key would mean you're still using a transmitter in the key, just that is actively powered by an induction loop in the vehicle. The passive resonance is a 'dumb system' and could be cloned, especially if it isn't truly unique to the vehicle. The inductive powering allows the key fob to perform an active communication, which is more secure because it should be fairly, if not completely, unique.

5-4-3-2-1-bang · 2 points · Posted at 03:47:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah! Thanks for the explanation!

Looping back to the question, since I can buy a new fob but it won't run the car without being programmed in, still going to say it's inductive charging vs. being an inductive resonator.

Euchre · 3 points · Posted at 03:56:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even if it has a passive resonator for those out of power times, it would be possible that the return frequency was unique to the fob, and was part of what is programmed into the car when the fob is programmed to the car. With software tuners being common today, a transceiver doesn't have to be made to only handle a very narrow band, or exact fractions or multiples of a given frequency. However, I do suspect they'd use inductive power to not have to handle 2 unique identifiers for a fob. Then I remember that BMW and Mercedes exist, and all bets are off.

Krashlandon · 6 points · Posted at 05:13:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The new Prius works that way too. It the fob dies, you can hold it against the start button and it uses NFC or something to authenticate.

rdxl9a · 2 points · Posted at 10:28:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Prius has the same thing. You can put it in to start the car and there are no contacts

hego555 · 1 points · Posted at 01:07:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Hyundai also allowed me to turn the car on with a dead remote by pressing and holding the start button with the remote

cloud3321 · 3 points · Posted at 02:22:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Still a good idea to replace the battery though.

Corrupt_Zeus · 2 points · Posted at 02:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's probably put on a power saver mode and puts out a weaker signal? My key fob died and when I used the back up key it wouldn't work unless the fob was attached to the back of the key, if it wasn't the car wouldn't turn over.

dbxp · 4 points · Posted at 04:07:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's a coded key, it uses the key itself like an aerial

Euchre · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I suppose they might have worked out a way to passively power the remote enough to validate the key, via the lock cylinder. Not seen such a setup myself, though. However, the transmitters in car key fobs are pretty crude affairs, run on a DC power that drops voltage as it drops load capacity (amperage), so there's no need to have a 'power saver mode' - it would just deliver a lower Db of signal. The receiver could easily detect that, and the receiver in the car and the computers connected to it are way more complex.

Majormlgnoob · 3 points · Posted at 06:13:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't realize you could start the car with a weak/dead key battery lol (I knew how to open the door)

callmemom · 6 points · Posted at 09:37:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You mean if I take apart my fob, there's a key inside? I have a 2016 Honda.

YamatoMark99 · 9 points · Posted at 10:39:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the back of the FOB there is a switch, push and hold it and pull the bottom part where you attach a key ring.

Euchre · 3 points · Posted at 17:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You mean something like this?

There's an old saying: "Showin's better than tellin'!"

Staks · 7 points · Posted at 05:33:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

2015 Sentra's don't have an actual keyhole ignition though and the key is only to get in the car (for the doors).

drewfromOG · 8 points · Posted at 05:47:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If your key fob is dead you’d use the physical key to get into the doors, then put your remote into a slot on the left side of the steering wheel OR press the remote again the engine start/stop button to turn on, depending on the Nissan year/model.

landmantx4 · 3 points · Posted at 06:11:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a chevy and push button start. If keyfob dies you have to put the key that flips out of the fob into a hidden spot in the center console to start the car.

RedBanana99 · 4 points · Posted at 03:58:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can see this being me. Thanks for the LPT

TibbyTippytoes · 47 points · Posted at 03:48:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha he will be thinking about that while lying in bed at 3 am for years. Your words echoing in his mind.

Did you try the key?

cringe

SuggestiveDetective · 31 points · Posted at 06:48:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You seem like the kind of person who would appreciate this story I never have a reason to tell.

The guy who thought his car wouldn't start during a power outage.
Our building's power had been out all day and daylight was fading, so our director sent us home.

Cue upset coworker.
He wanted to know how his car was supposed to work while the power was out.
It was explained in small, confused words that in gas vehicles that's not an issue.
He went further: "it's dark, how am I supposed to see if my headlights won't turn on? Couldn't he have let us go before it got dark?"

Oh man.

goaskalice3 · 33 points · Posted at 03:34:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I bought a car off Craigslist and had never used the key to unlock the door, the one time I tried it didn't seem to fit in all the way and I just accepted the doors took a different key than the ignition for some reason. Then one day the battery died on the button and I thought I was stranded.. Until an hour later when I tried the key out of desperation and just tried a little harder to turn it.

The doors hadn't been unlocked with a key in so long they just got stuck

Edit: I should add I was "stranded" at the town post office/general store/bar and had to head back to get back to work..so it wasn't exactly the worst thing ever

Cosima12 · 14 points · Posted at 07:34:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fob wouldn’t work in the drivers door if it was too hot for some reason, for 3 YEARS I fobbed open the slider door(mini van) and reached through to the drivers door to unlock it, before I remembered it was an actual mf’n key. 3 years!!!

TheRealJackReynolds · 7 points · Posted at 05:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God this happens too often at my shop.

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 07:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

TheRealJackReynolds · 8 points · Posted at 08:18:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha the dial up noise! I get the fax BEEP in my head when it happens to me!

Trippy-Skippy · 3 points · Posted at 08:01:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow this is accurate.

Mota18rj · 3 points · Posted at 04:29:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is pure gold

939319 · 3 points · Posted at 10:34:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean he'd still need batteries eventually.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

PM_me_ur_launch_code · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No it was a single key with a secondary fob

derawin07 · 1 points · Posted at 06:27:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

haha love it

he could submit that to r/cringe

spitfire1701 · 1 points · Posted at 12:32:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't lock my car, the battery in the remote has died and the screw is rusted in place. If I lock it with the key, the bloody alarm automatically goes on and will not turn off with the key in the door. Instead, it sets the alarm off. It sucks. I'll have to get it sorted soon.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:06:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do they reload once you put them in the car? Didn't know they have battieries.

PM_me_ur_launch_code · 3 points · Posted at 20:19:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you mean recharge? No they don't. They function on small batteries. They eventually die and need replaced.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Huh. Well those batteries seem to hold for forever. Never seen someone change them.

IanCal · 9722 points · Posted at 00:39:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know, that jagged metal thing you jab in keyholes?

They work as excellent lock-picks if you carefully match it with the right lock.

gamesage53 · 761 points · Posted at 00:57:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The real pro-tips are in the comments.

[deleted] · 44 points · Posted at 02:21:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 56 points · Posted at 02:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

SinisterKid · 34 points · Posted at 02:50:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a solid reminder that you avoid touching door handles with your bare hands.

UnrelatedRedditUser · 16 points · Posted at 02:45:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Should've done the same thing

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 02:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:36:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

ZyxStx · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wise choice

scorcher117 · 13 points · Posted at 04:19:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know what I expected.

Echospite · 18 points · Posted at 04:02:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you ever look at a penis and wonder what the fuck they even are

dildope · 12 points · Posted at 08:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am constantly amazed that there is a purposeful hole between a female's legs and a weird shapeshifting appendage between a male's, and that it feels good for both parties to just rub them together.

iamthepixie · 12 points · Posted at 05:26:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the daily

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 03:46:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this your video? If yes, did you take that video just to reply to a comment? If it wasn't just to reply, what possessed you to use your penis to close a door?

If it isn't your video, why do you have a video of that?

Lots of questions.

fistfuckofthegods · 4 points · Posted at 08:15:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Look at muscle cock over here!

iamthepixie · 3 points · Posted at 05:26:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh ...

OH MY GOD

A_Tame_Sketch · 68 points · Posted at 00:57:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The fbi wants to know your location.

indiebryan · 7 points · Posted at 04:55:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

taps Deny

Uninstalls The fbi

Tickle_Till_I_Puke · 21 points · Posted at 01:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then there are some keys that work for loads of locks. About 40% of cops cars and taxis use the exact same key. Most RVs use the default lock and they all use the same key.

Malachhamavet · 16 points · Posted at 01:41:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually I've read most handcuffs all share keys too.if you get an actual key for cop handcuffs you can get out of nearly any. They're not even illegal to have. https://www.reddit.com/r/answers/comments/22r7f2/do_the_handcuffs_cops_use_all_have_the_same_key/

lessthan12parsecs · 14 points · Posted at 01:55:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the movies, handcuffs are always like an impossible thing to get off, the escapees have to find that one old guy who works at the junkyard and has a hydraulic blowtorch device that only he can operate. In reality you can just use a bent piece of coat hanger wire.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 03:10:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can drive across Los Angeles at rush hour in seconds, but it'll take minutes to unlock handcuffs

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:51:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can get handcuffs that are clear. It shows you how the lock mechanism works inside. There are also videos of this on YouTube.

AlphaShaldow · 13 points · Posted at 00:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
LetsTCB · 9 points · Posted at 01:54:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just don't put your car key into the lock of your home as you'll start up the whole building and take it for a spin ... park on the highway and start yelling at everybody to get outta your yard!

  • Steven Wright (not worded the same but same joke)
bitwaba · 24 points · Posted at 01:02:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

imagine this scenario 10 years ago and how confused someone would be.

WaffleWizard101 · 5 points · Posted at 02:11:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a 14 year old 1st party keyfob, so not as much less confused as you think.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 02:13:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Keyless entry with a fob was first sold to consumers in 1982, by the 90s keyless entry was common.

(and this joke is now 9 years old)

Razzle_Dazzle08 · 8 points · Posted at 01:16:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:40:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Razzle_Dazzle08 · 2 points · Posted at 03:44:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
samburger01 · 6 points · Posted at 01:10:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
gotta-go-II · 8 points · Posted at 02:16:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a car key, but not any hole in my door (or ignition for that matter) for it. Still trying to figure out why my car came with a key.

5-4-3-2-1-bang · 7 points · Posted at 02:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just haven't found the hole it goes into.

Get the lube.

gotta-go-II · 2 points · Posted at 02:43:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess I set myself up for that one!

5-4-3-2-1-bang · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ayup!

But in all seriousness, get the lube! if they've given you a key there's a hole on the outside of the car it fits into. It may be hidden, but it's there. (Mine only has it on the driver's side door underneath the handle, for example.)

gregspornthrowaway · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glove box?

gotta-go-II · 1 points · Posted at 06:17:32 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

YES! There’s a lock on my glove box! Idk why I never noticed.

Assorted_Bits · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does the door handle have plastic bits? It might be a cover for the keyhole.

chiefmackdaddypuff · 3 points · Posted at 01:24:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm. This works for my car!

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 02:26:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes not even then! Years ago, in the 70s, my neighbour and his family went shopping in town and when they got back into the car my neighbour said "Get out!" when he realized the seat was set in a different position and the door compartment was filled with women's belongings.

Turned out back then a lot of keys worked on the same model of cars.

Einharjar · 3 points · Posted at 01:42:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I plugged it in and the car door still won't unlock, this is false news.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:08:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Since there are laws against making or possessing motor vehicle theft tools, I'm going to head down to the police station and harass them until they arrest me...

xR34ct · 2 points · Posted at 01:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
ScottManleyFan · 2 points · Posted at 01:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This deserves gold

fishbelt · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Technically the truth

IRubKnottyPeople · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car came with a lock pick but I think it’s defective, it only works on my own car. Stupid design, imo.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

you and me baby ain't nothin but keyholes
so let's jam it like they do on the

yea I got nothin.

SubbrowserV2 · 1 points · Posted at 06:23:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok dad

uber1337h4xx0r · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, I heard that if you find similar models of cars, you can sometimes break in easily because they reuse keys so often (assuming no chip transponder thing is used).

macncheesebydawindow · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

FBI OPEN UP

AwesomeGuyAlpha · 1 points · Posted at 10:46:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol

PlasmaLeaderN · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:38 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uuhhh, thats what KEYS ARE. Keys? They only work for the LOCK THEIR MADE FOR. Smh Reddit will upvote anything these days 🤷‍♀️

quantumbottom · 0 points · Posted at 02:27:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This guy locksmiths.

bserendipity3 · 30 points · Posted at 00:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this.

BerRGP · 27 points · Posted at 00:39:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car needs both the key and the remote to start...

dale250791 · 20 points · Posted at 00:54:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Keyless start/imobilizer?

Most cars with this have an induction system to power the key when it's flat. For keyless entry, you usually put the key next to where the ignition would be at the side of the steering wheel and press the start button (there's usually a logo that looks like wifi) or you press the start button using the fob.

If in doubt, read the handbook. There's usually a way to start it if the key battery is flat.

BerRGP · 5 points · Posted at 01:04:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm already not great with cars, and with English not being my first language you kind of lost me among the jargon.

 

I do know my car doesn't have any of that stuff, and I can't recall the handbook mentioning anything similar either.

Although it's a cheap older model from a relatively obscure manufacturer, so...

darlinpurplenikirain · 15 points · Posted at 01:01:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried this - but I had set the alarm so even though I unlocked it with the key, the alarm still went off and wouldn't let me drive the car. Had no idea how to disable to alarm from the inside, so after sitting in a blaring vehicle for ten minutes I finally shook the remote in screaming frustration and it juiced the battery enough to disable the alarm. Blessed thing.....

edbrannin · 3 points · Posted at 02:54:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When this happened to me, I knew the car wouldn’t alarm until I tried to start it, and the manual in the glove box said it would start working after a half hour.

I don’t think I had the foresight to locate the fuse for the horn until after it started. Either that, or I got everything ready and just wanted the horn to be going off so I’d know I was pulling the right fuse. Yeah, let’s go with that.

Got_ist_tots · 13 points · Posted at 01:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha. Once a fuse in our car went dead so the power locks wouldn't work. We were in the car and the door was locked. My mom looked at me and said "how are we going to get out?!" I reached over and flipped the lock switch to unlock. Then cracked the fuck up. And I reminded her of it for a long time!

pinilicious · 19 points · Posted at 00:33:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who goes to work when you have the chance to work at home?

gtjack9 · 36 points · Posted at 00:41:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you're important enough in a company that you are able to work at home, you realise it's actually much easier to get things done in the workplace.

Cheet4h · 2 points · Posted at 13:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working in the office can be a bit more productive, provided you don't have too many chatty colleagues. Also, if you don't live alone and the people living with you think "Home Office == Can be interrupted any time", working at the office is also better.

That said, I do enjoy saving ~2 hours every day I work from home.

roxymoxi · 7 points · Posted at 01:34:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I never knew till my remote died that I had only been given the key that opens my trunk and starts my car,but does not open my doors. I couldn't lock my doors for a whole day till I could find a locksmith to make a key from scratch. Expensive but fascinating to watch. Terrible day.

zweite_mann · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Old Ford keys used to lock any other Ford door, so you could always lock your car even if you had the wrong key.

roxymoxi · 1 points · Posted at 15:13:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But you could unlock any other Ford with your key too?

cheeseyfrys · 4 points · Posted at 01:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cars battery died and I had to google how to manually open it because the keyhole is hidden. I never once realized the door handle has no keyhole

sahlahmin · 4 points · Posted at 01:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sucks when you're half convinced you're staying home, then realize you're definitely going in lol.

coredumperror · 3 points · Posted at 00:49:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad had the exact same experience a month after I sold him my Prius. He's so used to my mom's newer Camry, with a jagged metal-less fob, that it didn't occur to him to jam the metal into the keyhole for several minutes.

Undulantowl · 4 points · Posted at 01:04:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will sometimes try to use the car fob to unlock my house door.

MyPasswordWasWhat · 4 points · Posted at 02:18:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fob has a key, but it's hidden away like a switchblade and I never ever use the key to unlock my car door. Yesterday while in auto-pilot I tried to open my car door with my house key, and then when I realized my mistake I was still zoned out so I opened my fob and used the key, which then confused me because it was out of my usual routine. Before I twisted the key, I took it out and used the fob. It was an interesting endeavor.

Undulantowl · 2 points · Posted at 02:54:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I would definitely get confused with that option. My fob is the grip part of my car key. In my case, I don't have an excuse because I don't use my fob on my house (although I wish I had that option).

MessyBarrel · 4 points · Posted at 01:17:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

To be fair I've had cars lock me out of controlling the vehicle because I didn't open it with the lock mechanism.

wolves_hunt_in_packs · 6 points · Posted at 01:10:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, not a fan of keyless fobs. You STILL need to keep track of the fob, just like with a key, BUT now it has additional failure states due to the battery. Not to mention how pricey it is to make a spare compared to a key, it's like a couple bucks vs over a hundred.

I hate unnecessary tech "upgrades" that are more of a nuisance than a help. If the fob drove the goddamn car it would be a step up but nope, it's just a key with additional headaches. Great, with a fob I can unlock the car when I'm 10 steps away from it... I still have to get into the fucking car.

5-4-3-2-1-bang · 2 points · Posted at 02:33:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not to mention how pricey it is to make a spare compared to a key, it's like a couple bucks vs over a hundred.

I see you've never copied a key for a vehicle with an immobilizer. They're about $50 a copy.

MissMaryEli · 3 points · Posted at 01:10:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once. My key was hidden so there’s that.

soybuns · 3 points · Posted at 01:42:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a chain pharmacy and there was a lady that came in panicking because she needed a new battery for her car remote and was scared she couldn't get in. I switched it out and mentioned the key. The look on her face was priceless; She facepalmed and apologized for wasting my time.

DoorHalfwayShut · 3 points · Posted at 01:43:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

little girl: what's a key?

gingerbread_slutbarn · 2 points · Posted at 02:19:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

In your defense I once locked my car via alarm key for college freshman orientation day with my mom. In a city 2 hours north. I couldn’t undo it with my key or anything without the alarm blaring. I called my new roommate (I opted for a room with dude friends, ended up far cheaper) and he said he’d be there in 5 minutes. This fucker pops out his calculator battery and then attaches the wires from my alarm fob and holds it up for a few seconds till it boops. My car was from 1998 and you just couldnt start it if you alarm-locked. That roomie btw remains an amazing friend. Mom was wary of her daughter living alone with guys instead of a dorm and upon this demo she said,”that’s a good guy to know.”

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:20:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you open the door of my truck after unlocking it with the key instead of the fob the alarm will go off.

EastPhilly · 2 points · Posted at 02:20:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I lock my car with the remote and open it with the key the alarm will go off. I haven't felt like seeing if starting the car will make it stop. I should probably do that in case I'm in this situation

Failed-Forward-Roll · 2 points · Posted at 07:20:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car key battery died when I was out with friends, thankfully. Cause I had no idea there was a hidden key inside it. I always wondered why I had a keyhole on my car with no physical key.

I also thankfully found out that I can put my electric key right against the start button and my car engine will still turn on.

I’d had my car for 2 years by this point and had no idea bout any of this.... this also happened earlier this year 😅

Tmsteele2000 · 2 points · Posted at 13:55:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sort of related: I hate washing dishes and have had a dishwasher pretty much all my life. When we were selling our previous house, I got a short notice call from our realtor that she wanted to show the house. I already had a full dishwasher running mid-cycle, so I just looked at the few dirty dishes in the sink trying to figure out what to do. I contemplated putting them in the oven to hide them. It took me a good five minutes to realize I could hand wash them in the sink.

freddafredian · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first (and only) car is with automatic key and I learned maybe a month ago there was an actual physical key I could use!

Faedoria · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy fuck I did this but it was my garage door, all our power went dead, and I was panicking. Took me a good 5 minutes to realise that there’s a manual release 😂

AirmanFinly · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I arrived home one day and tried to unlock my front door by pushing the button on my car keys. Wondered why it didn't work.

monmonmonsta · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

See this is an issue for me cuz if I pick my car with the button and unlock manually it sets off the alarm 😕

sherlockham · 1 points · Posted at 02:57:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents had one of those cars with a key that was pretty much a card shaped rfid remote . It took them 8 years to realise there was an actual metal key in there, including, i think, at least 2 dead batteries where they had to use the spare key.

theginger3469 · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing! Battery was starting to die in the remote. I kept on putting it off until finally it wouldn't unlock the car. I stood there for a solid 5 min trying to figure out how I was gonna get in the car....then I realized it's a key... Just unlock the damn car.

Sbdall · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar... Put my keys in the sunglass slot, sunglasses in coat pocket (reverse of typical auto pilot), locked door. Luckily it was at City Hall and a fireman opened the door for me.

menticide_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car key doesn't even fit in the key holes of my car doors. It's fine for the ignition but it just will not open the doors. Even worse, the remote is a piece of shit and breaks all the time lol.

Ketchup901 · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every car with a remote I've ever seen starts beeping if you use the normal key.

pixelkicker · 1 points · Posted at 04:16:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! I worked with a girl that came back in to the office after leaving for the day frantically asking someone to call AAA for her because her key fob battery was dead. I asked her if she’d tried the key and she just stared at me for a few seconds and walked back out.

milkerer · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, my wife just did this about a week ago

nineteen_eightyfour · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao same story except my husband did it and panicked. And I was like ..... ...... wtf. Poor guy felt so dumb. It’s okay I look for my phone when it’s in my hand sometimes so we’re even

mingoleg · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok but I recently tried putting my key into the outside door handle and it wouldn’t go all the way in. My car (and button unlocker thing) are from 2002. Idk how much longer that battery will last, then I’m screwed.

Batman_AoD · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair, some cars sound an alarm if you open the wrong door with the physical key.

paranoidandroid11 · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To you’re credit though, if you have the push button start, the metal key only gets the door open. I doubt a dead key fob would let you start your car. In case that was a thing.

Cky_vick · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fun fact! My car has no keyhole 😂🤣🤣

lordnikkon · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This only works if your alarm does not have ignition kill switch. Most modern cars wont let the car start if the alarm has not been turned off. So opening the door will let you get into the car but you wont be able to turn it on. The purpose of the key is just for emergency access like if the car's battery is dead but if the remote battery is dead you are fucked. This is why it is good idea to keep a spare remote battery in your glove box

LumpyShitstring · 1 points · Posted at 09:06:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remote-started my car 2 weeks ago, and then (for the first time since getting the car) I unlocked the door with the physical key, as opposed to the fob button, and the car alarm went off.

zweite_mann · 1 points · Posted at 09:25:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I open my car with the key, the alarm will go off until I press the fob or disconnect the battery. I once drove to whole way home from work with the alarm and hazards going because the fob battery was dead.

This is a Honda civic type r ep3

werkytwerky · 1 points · Posted at 17:33:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i love my subaru, but the dumbasses that built/programmed/whatever this thing made it so that OPENING THE DOOR WITH THE KEY THAT GOES TO IT sets off the alarm.
what the ever loving fuck.

related. about a week after i got my first car that had remote lock, i locked my car, walked to my front door and hit the unlock button. legit jumped when my car helpfully beeped behind me.

watermoron · 1 points · Posted at 04:15:32 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car doesn't have a traditional ignition thing so if the battery for my keys is dead then I really am screwed.

Youkahn · 1 points · Posted at 23:33:35 on January 20, 2019 · (Permalink)

Heh, my fob battery is dying, and yesterday I just remembered that there's an actual LOCK ALL button inside the door.

Officer_Hotpants · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unfortunately my car doesn't have one of those, and the batteries in both of my keys are starting to go. And I can't open them to change it. I don't want to have to drop hundreds of dollars on a new one.

Euchre · 5 points · Posted at 01:17:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never, ever seen a remote that couldn't be opened to change the battery. What kind of car are we talking about?

PalestineAdesanya · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I call bullshit on it as well

Euchre · 3 points · Posted at 01:33:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They may think there's no way to open it up and replace the battery. Some fobs and key/fob combos are a PITA to open, and I can see how someone could assume since they couldn't figure it out easily, it isn't possible. Foolish assumption, really, but possible.

Officer_Hotpants · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a 2002 Mercedes C230K. I haven't found a way to open it, but when one of them dies I'm gonna try to find a way to pry it apart. If nothing else, I can probably get creative with some tools to open it and then seal it shut with a new battery.

Euchre · 3 points · Posted at 02:34:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So check this out. Look like your key?

Officer_Hotpants · 2 points · Posted at 02:37:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Huh, I had no idea. Mine looks a little different, but works the same. Just tried it. Thanks man!

Euchre · 3 points · Posted at 02:44:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Google and YouTube are your friend. I'm not ashamed to admit they taught me how to replace most of the fob batteries I've ever done.

Officer_Hotpants · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yeah, I've done a good few car repairs with the help of Youtube.

balddudesrock · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there. Done that.

Most_Juan_Ted · 146 points · Posted at 00:35:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is like when I “lose” my phone and then use the flashlight on my phone to look for it.

e-luddite · 49 points · Posted at 01:43:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once complained to someone on the phone that I couldn't find my phone.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

MrDioji · 13 points · Posted at 03:01:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really? It's happened to me before too - a few times lol. Trying to multitask, like look at my calendar while talking. I usually fumble around for a little while keeping up the conversation, then start laughing as I realize my mistake...

bullshitfree · 8 points · Posted at 03:43:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a thing. I just had someone do this to me a few months ago. I just quietly told them that they were talking to me on it. She was embarrassed, we ended up laughing it off.

slinkywheel · 6 points · Posted at 05:00:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many people rarely talk on the phone, and also compulsively check their phone. When they go to check their phone while on the phone it's a confusing moment for some.

e-luddite · 1 points · Posted at 18:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know it was kind of a humble brag, but I really am that talented.

As others have said, I don't talk on the phone much and was probably trying to consult calendar to make plans during the conversation.

barnum11 · 45 points · Posted at 00:53:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Dad and I have learned to take advantage of this. If my Dad can't find the remote he'd ask me to ask him to pass it to me.

"Hey Dad, pass me the remote."
"Here you are Son!". Magically he now knows where it is.

jodexo · 27 points · Posted at 01:06:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad called me once, told me he’d lost his phone and asked if I could look for it around the house. I hung up, looked around the house and phoned him back to tell him I couldn’t find it. Not one of my brightest moments.

Yoga_meeks · 2 points · Posted at 16:21:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t bring myself to believe this.

jodexo · 2 points · Posted at 16:23:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Neither could I

scarydaydream · 49 points · Posted at 00:50:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's okay man. I've freaked out and thought I left my keys at work while I was driving home. Needless to say I panicked while I was at a red light then realized they were, you know, in the car.

LungBubbles · 7 points · Posted at 00:57:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this at least once a week.

coredumperror · 23 points · Posted at 00:47:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, that is just like the time I "lost" my jacket. I checked everywhere throughout my condo, my car, my office at work, even the locker at the gym!

I was super despondent that I'd lost my jacket, right up until I went to bed that night and opened the closet to throw my clothes in the hamper, only to notice my jacket hanging in the closet, right where it's supposed to be. I had gotten into the habit of not putting it back up, so my brain just assumed it couldn't possibly be there.

Plasmodicum · 7 points · Posted at 02:06:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of Calvin.

wolves_hunt_in_packs · 13 points · Posted at 01:01:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's not so bad. I drove all the way to the office one day, only to realize it was a state holiday. Yeah, no wonder the roads were pretty clear. Fortunately I have a short commute.

HS_HolyShnikes · 10 points · Posted at 00:57:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My director in college would lose her keys in her hand all the time. She'd walk all over the place looking for her keys digging through seats and such until she'd ask out loud "has anyone seen my keys?!" To which we would all reply, rolling our eyes - "in your hands!"

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 01:00:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, my dad would always lose his sunglasses. Sometimes we'd think he was joking because they were literally in front of his eyeballs

HS_HolyShnikes · 5 points · Posted at 01:11:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with someone that loses her phone while talking on the phone...

bullshitfree · 3 points · Posted at 03:48:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad lost his once. They were on top of his head. I wanted to know how long it would take for him to realize it. I got bored after a 1/2 hour and told him. I know I was wrong for that.

Procrastinatron · 10 points · Posted at 01:08:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once looked all over my apartment for my phone while I was holding it in my hand. The kicker, though? It was too dark so I turned the phone's flashlight on.

...Then I resumed my search.

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 02:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Yoga_meeks · 1 points · Posted at 16:26:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve had a somewhat similar experience. I was basically punching at my bare eyeballs. Ugh.

RevRay · 8 points · Posted at 00:14:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have absolutely done this one multiple times.

GiraffeMasturbater · 8 points · Posted at 00:55:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working in a downtown area with large populations of homeless people and addicts. Couldn't find my keys anywhere. Went to look to see if they were sitting on my driver seat or something. They were in the door of my car.

Yoga_meeks · 3 points · Posted at 16:24:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve lost my keys before only to find them sticking out the door of my mailbox in my building’s lobby. Twice, actually. My neighbors must think I’m an idiot.

pooping_on_the_clock · 6 points · Posted at 00:51:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've used my phones flashlight to try and find my phone.....

The_Crimson_Duck · 8 points · Posted at 01:05:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old chemistry teacher from school realised his keys weren't in his pocket, so turned around and started driving home to get them...

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 00:51:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this too!

I was looking all over for my keys while using my keys to unlock the places I looked.

I once even was looking for my phone while talking to my sis on my phone.

Sylvan_ · 7 points · Posted at 00:53:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I see that you too must be at work at 5am.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 00:56:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the summer, I leave for work at 5:30 and work up to 14 hour days. I get pretty out of it sometimes

Burlytron · 7 points · Posted at 00:19:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes.

OneCommentPerDayMike · 4 points · Posted at 01:52:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once turned my car off and pulled the key out of the ignition while driving at 30 miles an hour. I saw my driveway about half a mile up the road and thought I was already home.

Pirate-Percy · 4 points · Posted at 01:53:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That reminds me of a dumb one I did once. I was driving home from work and stopped to get gas. As I was leaving the gas station, I realized my keys weren’t in my pocket. I panicked and thought I must have left them at the gas station. It wasn’t until I was making a U-turn when I realized how much of an idiot I am.

KarP7 · 3 points · Posted at 01:06:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that with glasses. Panicked that I wasn't gonna be able to drive to school without them and in my quest for them, cleaned them off with the microfiber I keep in my backpack.

Also happened with my phone and ended up trying to call it.

grimsaur · 5 points · Posted at 01:48:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving my truck, and came to a stop sign near my house. I touch the pocket I normally kept my keys in, felt it was empty, and momentarily was annoyed I had to go home to get my keys. My keys, that were currently in the ignition of my running truck, that I could see.

RedBanana99 · 4 points · Posted at 03:56:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me giggle. Having a tough time this week and needed a distraction. Thank you for fulfilling my needs. Merry Christmas x

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 04:22:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Merry Christmas!

RedBanana99 · 4 points · Posted at 04:25:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for replying

That means a lot

Thisfoxhere · 3 points · Posted at 00:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night a frantic hour long search eventually turned up my fathers car keys.... in the ignition. Seems obvious after you find them....

poohead150 · 3 points · Posted at 00:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I LOL’d a lot to this...

IdiotOracle · 3 points · Posted at 01:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Shit, might have locked my keys in my car. Good thing I have my ke- ... fuck."

Sonara49 · 3 points · Posted at 01:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been there man. Once I was trying to unlock my front door and I was freaking out because I couldn't find my keys when they were in my left hand

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate when I do this!! Usually with my phone though, I seriously pulled out my phone , turned on the flashlight and looked under my chair for a good 5 seconds or so before realizing.

theflyingkiwi00 · 3 points · Posted at 01:47:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i spent a solid hour looking for my wallet in a frantic state because I needed to do groceries and it was close to closing time, I got angry and threw what was in my hand at my bed, only then did I realise I had it in my hand the whole time, spent the drive to the supermarket telling myself how silly I was

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:49:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have literally had my keys in my hand and been looking for my keys. I'm officially an old man.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm 19 now so when I start to go senile I'm fucked

osuna004 · 3 points · Posted at 02:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, i was once in a similar situation and freaking out and for 5 solid minutes I didn’t realize my keys were in my hand the whole time (I was carrying multiple things). I’ve also done the same with my phone.

I_am_Bob · 3 points · Posted at 02:25:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the opposite! I was sitting in my car getting ready to pull out and did the pocket check. Wallet? Yep, phone? Yep, keys? ...where are my keys shit! So I turned off my car and started walking back to the house to look for my keys then finally realized I was holding them since I just took them out of the ignition

Frozen_Scrotum · 2 points · Posted at 00:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is so funny because I could absolutely see myself doing it as well

Lionheart78239 · 2 points · Posted at 01:20:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think this one is my favourite so far.

JAproofrok · 2 points · Posted at 01:28:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve tried calling my keys to locate them.....

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:34:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m gonna assume I’m not the only one that’s searched for their phone while on the phone.

MangoCats · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the "where's my glasses?" "On your face, doofus." routine, but with keys in pocket.

Kaibakura · 2 points · Posted at 02:05:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you find your keys tho

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I lost them again does it still count?

Kaibakura · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dunno, were they in your pocket again?

Bananapopcicle · 2 points · Posted at 02:10:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I lost my keys...at home. So that’s means they had to be there right? I’m looking everywhere, tearing the place apart, inside and out. I’m almost in tears when I go up to the kitchen and sit on the windowsill bench that over looks the driveway and what do I see?

My keys on the got dang roof of my car.

OtherCat1 · 2 points · Posted at 02:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once couldn't find my keys after work. Spent 20 minutes looking for them, wnlisting coworkers to help. Finally found them in the ignition of my still-running car. I had burned through 1/3 of a tank of gas idling for 6 hours (sorry, environment!) And was damn lucky the car wasn't stolen.

Gaerdil · 2 points · Posted at 02:21:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am laughing ridiculously hard at this.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy to hear :)

Whattheactualfrick · 2 points · Posted at 03:00:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t stop laughing

BigRedBoat · 2 points · Posted at 04:20:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one took me a bit.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:24:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It took me longer than it should have as well

fucks_with_fire · 2 points · Posted at 06:21:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So this kind of thing happens to me a lot, do you think I’m just on “autopilot” a lot or am I just an idiot?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your probably just absent minded. I'm one the most absent minded people I know so I have tons of stories with stuff like this happening. I'm not an idiot even though I call myself one and I'm willing to wager you're not one either. Happy cake day :)

005056 · 2 points · Posted at 07:33:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit is this awesome.

x3bla · 2 points · Posted at 15:12:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am on the floor. Am dying.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:23:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:)

Danger_Dave_ · 2 points · Posted at 16:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, I wish locking my keys in my car something that dumb got me that many internet points. All it gets me is shame and a phone call to anyone that can help.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't get it either

maz-o · 2 points · Posted at 21:03:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

once I couldn't find my phone so I took my phone from my pocket to call myself and listen if I could hear it ring ... 🤔

NemoKozeba · 2 points · Posted at 21:49:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a neighbor who worked in the music industry. One night he locked the drivers door on his Mercedes Benz, forgetting the keys inside. Instantly infuriated, he punched out the window. The next morning, sober, he realized two things. He broke a finger, and the other three doors were never locked.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 21:53:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof3

Suddenly_Something · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've driven to the store and just unbuckled and got out of my car and went in with my car still running and the keys in the ignition. 2 minutes into shopping and I realized how stupid I was.

backwardsbloom · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Several times I’ve been talking on the phone, rummaging around going “damn it, I could look that up if I just find my ph-OH JESUS, I’m an idiot.”

OldLadyColleen · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a similar thing happen to me when I had just started driving.

I was using my parents van, and was all happy to be able to drive myself somewhere...so 16 year old me went to Dunkin’ Donuts. Here I got coffee and a doughnut. Then went to unlock the car and could not find the keys. I went back in and asked everyone, scoured the ground from the car to the store, and then proceeded to empty the full garbage can that was near where I had set up my coffee. Still no keys. My sister had started a car via hot wiring in front of me once, so I was like maybe the lock didn’t catch and I can make this work. I put my hand on the handle, the door opens easily, and the keys were in the ignition.

NagisaK · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this when I was still driving.

My_reddit_throwawy · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there done that, said duh, laughed and went back to bed.

TheShocker1119 · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done something similar to that. I've locked my keys inside my truck twice. I now pat myself down leaving the truck and check the ignition. I also place my keys in a particular spot. I was leaving the apartment one day and as I was making my last round and pat myself down I didn't have my keys on hand. They were not in their spot either. I then began to rip apart my apartment then determine if they aren't in here they must be in the truck. I unlock my door and go downstairs. My truck is locked and the ignition is clear. I then think to myself dummy if you got into your apartment then they must be inside. Right as I walk into the door I look to my left at my dog's dog house roof and there they are staring me in the face.

I've done this a couple of times now.

robbsauce · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah yes, I once searched all over my truck to find my phone all the while using my phone flashlight to look.

I eventually found it ..

olbear32 · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I literally just did something similar. I was walking out of a store with my and keys in the same hand and freaked out walking to my car because i couldnt find my keys with my other hand doing the standard pat down. I only realized after when i put my drink in the other hand so i could unlock my car with my keys to look in my car for said keys... idiot.

mia_papaya · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you didnt continue to look all over your car like "WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!" For 20 minutes before you figured it out, that'd be extra special.

Coop569 · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing freaking out about my cellphone while I was talking to a bud... LMAO

Beccabooisme · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you found them

GamingScientist · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this with my phone, while taking on my phone

a1studmuffin · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've looked for my glasses before while wearing them. Usually when it happens it's an indicator that I need a better prescription!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever called someone on your cellphone to see if they knew where you lost your cellphone?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm really tired I hold my key-fob up and try to unlock my apartment door.

rudesweetpotato · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was driving home while digging through my purse looking for my keys. I had the thought "oh no, did I leave them at the office?". I was DRIVING HOME.

pretty_smart_feller · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I thought I left my phone in the high school theater and was looking under the seats but it was dark so I used my flashlight on my phone to look for it and then realized I’m a moron

letigre87 · 1 points · Posted at 03:03:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to unlock my house with a Mazda key fob more times than I care to admit

beefstick86 · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's like when I'm looking for my glasses but I'm already wearing them. Haha

Swooper86 · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you keep your house keys and car keys on the same chain? Because I don't, and that situation would have been perfectly reasonable for me.

jdtran408 · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ive done the same thing except i drove back to my friends place to ask him if i left my car keys there.

DaggerMoth · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I looked for my backpack for half an hour. I couldn't find it anywhere. I was wearing it.

BruLuc11 · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So my old work place, we had badges with pins that we had to use to get in the building and certain areas inside. Just to get to my desk every day I had to badge in 3 times, for every time I used the restroom I had to badge in once, and every smoke break, twice. (Over 12 hour shifts).

I had one point where I was at work legitimately more than I was home. If I wasn’t sleeping, I was in the building. I got so sleep deprived, so exhausted that I was leaving work one day and tried to use my badge to get into my car.

Orval · 1 points · Posted at 04:33:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have moments driving to work where I feel like I forgot something. Wallet? Work badge? Am I wearing the right shoes?

Once I was driving and thought "Shit, did I remember my keys?"

I'm not the brightest sometimes.

unlawful_villainy · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it makes you feel better, myself and my family once spent half an hour looking for my glasses because I couldn't find them, making us late to school/work. I was wearing them.

nropotdetcidda · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this with my sunglasses. Asked everyone where they we4e because it was too bright out. They'll all looked at me like I was screwing with them. Them they said they were on my face and it clicked. Felt like such a dingus

userdmyname · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait till you look for your glasses in a panicky only to realize you can see perfectly fine and are in fact wearing your glasses

himalayan_earthporn · 1 points · Posted at 05:05:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In your defence,. I NEED to press the unlock button on the remote for the car to start.

GenericMexicanName · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once pulled out my phone to light up the area under the driver's seat when I was looking for my phone. Took a minute to realize that one.

joanna810 · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad once called my mom using his phone and complained about how he couldn’t find his phone ANYWHERE and wondered if she knew where it was. We all had a good laugh at that one.

birdorinho · 4192 points · Posted at 23:19:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I said “no babes you’re wrong” to my boss at a management meeting two weeks ago because i was daydreaming about my boyfriend. Kill.me.now.

Edit: I said this to a comment he made; kind of like hearing and seeing one person, but thinking about another (i hope this makes sense, not sure how to explain)... It didn’t go unnoticed. It was slow and painful. I tried to save it along the lines of “didn’t want you to hit reality all that hard so i let you down nice and slowly”. I then looked at everyone else and basically said “it is really just a question of time until i call you all babes btw”. Awkward to the max. But thank you all!!!

erial_ck · 1558 points · Posted at 00:46:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Daydreaming about how wrong he is apparently.

lexathedisco · 120 points · Posted at 01:40:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this made me laugh more than anything else in this thread

AubinCLemar · 7 points · Posted at 09:24:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao

whirlpool4 · 40 points · Posted at 01:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

quick and painless or slow and painful?

conspiracyrachel · 22 points · Posted at 03:02:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

SaBe_18 · 8 points · Posted at 03:10:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
conspiracyrachel · 2 points · Posted at 02:28:10 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

omg this is the first time i’ve been in one of these

P0sitive_Outlook · 75 points · Posted at 04:07:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My lab partner handed in an assignment with a brief section explaining the sexiness of blokes. She'd been watching Ally McBeal while writing her report on types of beans. Literally "sexiness of blokes" right in the middle of a scientific study.

BatteredRose92 · 24 points · Posted at 07:13:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my brother babe because I only ever talk to my husband. Also did the same thing to my best friends boyfriend once too.

TingeOGinge · 26 points · Posted at 08:41:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Come to the south of England, everyone here is babe, darling, mate, fella, etc.

Didn't realise it was strange until someone from up north was offended at being called babe.

I still apologised, after all I didn't intend to make anyone uncomfortable, it's just what we do here!

lolzidop · 3 points · Posted at 09:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Up north it's girl and love for girls and pretty much the same at the South for lads

arrlekino · 5 points · Posted at 10:25:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same with sweetie, I feel for ya

tehmooch · 16 points · Posted at 07:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex and my boss at the time were both named Steve. Sent the wrong steve the wrong texts MANY times. Luckily he never got a nude but he did get a lot of "hey sexy" type texts...

Luckily he knew my boyfriend well and laughed it off every time, but my god... the cringe and embarassment...

OnlyAnotherEmily · 10 points · Posted at 07:46:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read that as "because I was daydreaming about killing my boyfriend."

Lol

"No babes, you're wrong"

Oppression_Rod · 6 points · Posted at 15:24:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"For the last time."

BallenaFrancaAustral · 4 points · Posted at 13:31:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven't done this YET, but sometimes I feel the "babe" on the tip of my tongue before I realize I'm not talking to my bf.

This also applies to how I behave around him. I've had awkward moments of pouting and pretend-crying and then I realize my bf is not there and he's the only person on Earth who would consider that normal/cute.

DaughterEarth · 3 points · Posted at 08:44:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

omg I once had someone ask me a question that required me to log in to a system for confirmation. So I typed my password to him...

desayunono · 3 points · Posted at 12:17:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“it is really just a question of time until i call you all babes btw”

Love that save! Nicely done.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 15:21:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of the time in math class in what must have been around 6th grade. The teacher, a woman, was lecturing me about something I'd done wrong, and I said "OKAY MOM I GET IT". I had no smooth cover-up. The whole classroom just steamed up with awkwardness.

FreyasYaya · 3 points · Posted at 16:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have called my boss by my hubby's name, and vice-versa. They are nothing alike, and no, I dont have that kind of relationship with the boss. Good thing, they both have a good sense of humor, so at least we can laugh about it.

MikiShiki · 2 points · Posted at 12:16:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was an epic save if you ask me!

consumer_of_memes · 4 points · Posted at 07:21:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This still seems like an appropriate response to your boss

fadjee · 2 points · Posted at 05:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boss hot ?

Theyvad · 8 points · Posted at 08:12:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boss was a lesbian and they started fucking on the roof immediately

centrafrugal · 1 points · Posted at 12:02:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some Curb Your Enthusiasm shit right here

offBrandon · 1 points · Posted at 12:06:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like accidentally calling your teacher “Mom” in elementary school. So very embarrassing!

tortilla11 · 1 points · Posted at 12:34:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call my brothers ‘buddy,’ always have. I’ll accidentally call my boyfriend ‘buddy,’ and my brothers ‘baby’ way too often.

LionTigerWings · 1 points · Posted at 14:51:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm glad I don't use pet names for this reason alone.

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 17:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, was he wrong?

VexNeverHex · 1 points · Posted at 19:07:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God imagine the rumors now, "is birdorinho sleeping with the boss" oh my...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:49:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahhh i love it babes ;)

[deleted] · 6382 points · Posted at 22:58:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Here you go, if you need anything else, just let me know!", as I graciously put down the plate with food I cooked for the only person in the room. Me.

Holy5 · 2832 points · Posted at 01:40:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hope you tipped yourself extra that night.

[deleted] · 78 points · Posted at 02:39:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, like The Black Keys said, I got mine!

[deleted] · 46 points · Posted at 03:54:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah but did you ask to speak to your manager?

[deleted] · 48 points · Posted at 04:54:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wisely decided I had embarrassed myself enough already than to go and complain about the horrible food.

tatteredmg · 12 points · Posted at 06:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are really good at this. Thank you.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 11:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is now the bio of my Tinder profile. Thank YOU.

RJiiFIN · 28 points · Posted at 04:00:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think such good service warrants more than just the tip?

boredlawyer90 · 20 points · Posted at 04:24:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The whole hand.

Modmypad · 9 points · Posted at 05:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah, a very handsome tip

jcmschwa · 25 points · Posted at 05:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's called self gratuitification.

kooshipuff · 8 points · Posted at 06:19:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does that come before or after the mastication?

Spearsy23 · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:57 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Depends on your necessary protein intake.

roostergenie8 · 10 points · Posted at 05:31:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He left his wallet at home. He ended up doing the dishes before he left.

thingsivelost · 4 points · Posted at 05:11:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh they got more than just the tip.

Celibihunter · 3 points · Posted at 07:26:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the tip though

petlahk · 2 points · Posted at 07:44:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends and I worry way too uch about tipping as a general whole, and as a result consistently overtip slightly.

arcsector2 · 2 points · Posted at 23:24:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some weird reason the way i envisioned you "tipping yourself extra" was him renting paid pornography and having a long sensual wank...

ClubMeSoftly · 1 points · Posted at 12:05:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, but they tried to molest the server, and got kicked out.

Cleverusername531 · 104 points · Posted at 00:23:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love this so much.

[deleted] · 121 points · Posted at 00:30:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror afterwards and go full on Red: "dumbass".

Cleverusername531 · 71 points · Posted at 00:42:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But you’re a gracious dumbass who is courteous to yourself. Which is pretty awesome.

eternalyadreamer · 46 points · Posted at 02:33:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar. Poured a drink, left it beside me on the bar, said "There you go, enjoy!" I'm the waitress. The place was full.

lifesmaash · 6 points · Posted at 05:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What?

DontPressAltF4 · 0 points · Posted at 13:48:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Skreamie · 14 points · Posted at 02:32:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is now my favourite comment ever

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 02:45:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad I could be of service. Pun intended.

tallulahtallulah · 12 points · Posted at 05:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha or constantly saying, 'behind!' When you walk behind somewhere no matter where you are. Grocery store? At home? Behind!

Or corner! I said that to myself going into my kitchen one day.

DaughterEarth · 3 points · Posted at 08:20:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly this one is so useful. SHARP! BEHIND! CORNER! HOT! So many collisions that could be avoided.

SeahorseScorpio · 8 points · Posted at 03:03:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh til I cried!

inglesasolitaria · 6 points · Posted at 07:49:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have answered my personal phone by saying “Thank you for calling [hotel I work at], jazzlyz speaking, how can I help?”

My psychologist was confused

TropicalPriest · 3 points · Posted at 04:27:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laughed extra hard at this one

icyangel2666 · 2 points · Posted at 04:09:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol that's a good one.

effulgent_solis · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m dying this is fantastic. You deserved that kindness to yourself.

djledford0724 · 1 points · Posted at 08:54:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as an Uber driver part time and a phone agent full time. I have to almost physically restrain myself from asking people getting out "is there anything else I can do for you today?"

1plus1equalsgender · -29 points · Posted at 01:27:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's depressing

namefacedude · -24 points · Posted at 03:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call BS

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 04:49:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok.

TexasDragoon · -3 points · Posted at 09:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Theses two comments are at -14 and +14 votes. Coincidence? I think not. r/unexpectedthanos

[deleted] · -25 points · Posted at 05:51:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will never understand why some Redditors make up fake stories like this. Is karma really so important to you? And how stupid are the 2K people who upvoted you?

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 11:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It is the most important thing indeed. I spent the last hours furiously refreshing this page just so I could jack it to the naivety of the simpletons upvoting this. It couldn't be that this thread is full of weird answers because a fuzzy brain on auto pilot can cause a huge amount of stupidity.

DaughterEarth · 9 points · Posted at 08:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fascinating. I wonder what your daily life looks like.

Heeres_Johnny · 1201 points · Posted at 23:26:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my my newborn kid to the grocery store with my wife. I had a buggy with the baby, she had the buggy with the groceries. I had been rocking the buggy back and forth to sooth the kid since he was getting antsy. My wife and I traded buggies, so she had the baby, I had the groceries.

Cue me rocking the buggy with groceries in the cereal aisle.

AkMglbrn · 80 points · Posted at 00:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bring the baby with me to work most of the time, so I carry him around on my hip and do the typical mommy sway to keep him entertained. I still haven't found the off switch for that motion, because I don't think I've stood in place without swaying or rocking since he was born. Makes me feel like a moron when I've left him with grandma for a few hours while I shop and I'm bouncing and talking to myself about which noodles to purchase.

TarantulaArms · 67 points · Posted at 03:59:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a newborn. I have burped my husband, burped and bounced my cats, groceries, my purse, everything gets back pats because I have no idea that I'm doing it.

drsmoochum23 · 26 points · Posted at 05:01:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't help but laugh a little bit at this because I don't have kids but I have an 8 lb Chihuahua mix named Cujo who I have bounced up and down God only knows how many times when we're in the store to calm him down I know it sounds weird but he can get a little whiny if you don't give him attention LOL

TheyDontMakeSunday · 35 points · Posted at 05:03:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My kids are 8 and 5, and I still soothe the groceries. It's extra vigorous if there's a baby crying within earshot.

strawbryfirecracker · 17 points · Posted at 06:17:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right! Sometimes if the swaying isn’t working I’ll instinctively hum🤦🏼‍♀️

HotDogWaterMusic · 8 points · Posted at 06:25:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to say almost exactly this, and I cradle the milk/paper towels/toilet paper/what-have-you ... Seven years after the fact.

ali_mcb59 · 4 points · Posted at 07:12:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

10 and 8 for me. It never ends.

im-a-lllama · 33 points · Posted at 03:44:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I swayed all the time after handing the baby over to someone else or not even having him in the house. My husband would just walk up to me and put his hands on my sides to hold me still lol

assholewithbigtits · 9 points · Posted at 10:01:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha the other day I went out to eat with a friend, it was my first time leaving the house by myself since I had my baby. A baby started crying and I said "huuuuuush stinky" twice before my friend couldn't contain her laughter anymore.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 06:56:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think all (decent and good) parents have probably done this several times at least.

Cryingbabylady · 5 points · Posted at 09:47:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I have my kid in my arms I instinctively shush/soothe them when I hear crying. Even if they’re not the ones crying.

tanyance21 · 4 points · Posted at 11:32:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That swaying/rocking thing never goes away. My youngest is 7 and I still do it! I was in the Disney store last week and was buying a huge stuffed Lotso (toy story) and anytime I was stood still, I was swaying with the huge Lotso in the middle of a crowded Disney store because it is the size of a small child

AlexTraner · 3 points · Posted at 16:13:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is something I do for self soothing. No one notices except the rude old lady you almost now down because she’s not looking.

Old meaning in temperament

jimkaxon1 · 5835 points · Posted at 22:24:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Knocked on an open door for the bathroom

BobEWise · 114 points · Posted at 04:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In military aviation we would call this positive habit transfer.

lordg52 · 9 points · Posted at 12:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

doesn't exactly work when you start running at the crosswalk

FetchingTheSwagni · 83 points · Posted at 07:12:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hello? Is anyone on this clearly unoccupied toilet?"
"Yeh bro."
"Oh shit, sorry bro."

Dionne94 · 38 points · Posted at 00:52:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time, it’s just habit.

Shutout69 · 24 points · Posted at 01:17:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time even if the door is wide open

CSKING444 · 5 points · Posted at 09:00:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Power move

AntalRyder · 12 points · Posted at 08:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah same as indicating to turn onto my driveway. I also live at the end of a dead end street.

palordrolap · 35 points · Posted at 07:07:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least the murderer behind the door would think you were polite.

dr1287 · 11 points · Posted at 07:14:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you a nurse?

jackcamsooksai · 9 points · Posted at 09:18:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jehovas witness

addibruh · 2 points · Posted at 11:53:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this something nurses do lol?

dr1287 · 3 points · Posted at 14:54:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Absolutely! We have to knock on the door before we enter a patient room. I’ve knocked on my car door before opening it at the end of a 12 hour shift.

mattmccloudrs · 9 points · Posted at 07:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Due to my job, we have to knock before opening doors, I do this so often it isn’t even funny.

AcuityNPC · 13 points · Posted at 04:27:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes the bathroom is still occupied even though the door is open, not a bad habit to have :3

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 08:41:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A very excellent habit to have.

shesingsinthemorning · 5 points · Posted at 06:24:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some reason, this is the one that really got me. I just woke my husband laughing

_joj · 3 points · Posted at 07:04:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this but I was also home alone.

StarCaptain666 · 4 points · Posted at 08:13:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this every single time, no exceptions. Been doing it since I was 6. Every bathroom door.

MineIsTheRightAnswer · 3 points · Posted at 07:01:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was it Les Nessman's bathroom?

Toasterbath917 · 3 points · Posted at 09:03:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your making sure that the nothing in the bathroom knows you are coming. What a polite comrad. Every homosapien should look up to this specimen for great advice and knowledge

user_of_thine · 3 points · Posted at 09:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant and old people, kids, and some mentally disabled forget to lock that shit all the time. I always knock for that reason.

Tapuboolin13 · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you knocked

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's like saying "corner" at the grocery store when your subconscious sees your entering a blind corner.

user_of_thine · 2 points · Posted at 09:38:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why is it always the grocery store!? I'll rarely do it elsewhere but like 60% of the time it's the grocery store.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:43:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here. #ServerProblems

iwanttoseeyousing · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this every time even if it's a public bathroom or my school bathroom

Don't wanna walk in on two students going at it, y'know

rottethc · 1 points · Posted at 08:03:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nnlo 2nniaiiiininnnri

janelane982 · 1 points · Posted at 11:02:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're one of those people huh?

jimkaxon1 · 2 points · Posted at 12:45:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ya, our dorms bathrooms are single use so we knock each time b4 entering the seventh circle of hell

cali420rnia · 1 points · Posted at 15:46:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m in Finals right now and this just made me bust out laughing. It’s dead fucking quiet in here 😂🤦‍♂️

jimkaxon1 · 1 points · Posted at 16:47:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s a mystery guy we call the toilet bandit who keeps peeing on the floor then dragging tp out into the hallway. He remains at large despite his many crimes

adamfawkes13 · 1 points · Posted at 16:54:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our records closet at work is right next to the employee bathroom, which we all knock before entering since its single person and locks automatically. I have several times knocked on the records closet door before getting a chart out.

EuphJoenium · 1 points · Posted at 17:33:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that too, except it's to scare the mice out of my bathroom vanity.

Hmogrant · 1 points · Posted at 19:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't have to on the job but I have to use a key. At the end of a long day I sometimes absentmindedly wander the house trying to find the bathroom key cuz I don't carry keys when I'm at home.

VoradorTV · -2 points · Posted at 07:17:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ur bathroom dont lock?

MaxYoung · 10456 points · Posted at 21:35:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making cookies, I cracked an egg and dumped the contents into the garbage. Thankfully caught myself before putting the shell into the cookies

sethr181 · 1552 points · Posted at 22:36:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that not once, but twice in a row, while making waffles one time.

wardrich · 26 points · Posted at 02:23:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought for a second you were replying to /u/comrade_julie and I was confused how you managed to hork in your waffles twice

gasoline_rainbow · 15 points · Posted at 04:17:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done it twice in a row but instead of the garbage I cracked them right onto the counter, nowhere near the bowl or the garbage

GALACTICA-Actual- · 10 points · Posted at 02:31:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My last meatloaf had shell chunks in it because it took getting ready to mix it together and noticing something really wrong with it in my hands for me to realize what I had done.

Tried to hide it by picking them all out. It didn’t work. Tiny little shrapnel in the meatloaf is not appealing.

silly_gaijin · 5 points · Posted at 13:59:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine once described someone looking at another person as if they were "a big, crunchy piece of eggshell in an otherwise delicious omelet."

OneCoolStory · 5 points · Posted at 01:51:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn lol. The other guy only did it once in a row, and I thought that was bad lol. Happens though.

If it makes you feel better, multiple times I’ve started my car, let it run for a few minutes to warm up, and then turned it off. I’ve also turned it off instead of closing the garage door (both are buttons)

SM1334 · 2 points · Posted at 11:34:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leggo my Shello!

natureofyour_reality · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The act of making things from scratch is so foreign to me that for a second I thought 'this maniac eats their waffles with EGGs on top!?'

DBX12 · 1 points · Posted at 10:42:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Ah shit, not again!"

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 19:53:24 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow these waffles are crunchy and gritty this time

comrade_julie · 2833 points · Posted at 22:09:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof, once I meant to throw a towel in the hamper then spit a loogie into the toilet, but it ended up happening the other way around.

Faiths_got_fangs · 178 points · Posted at 23:47:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw an open canned coke into my purse and carried the (no spill) sippy cup to the car. Messy.

shinjury · 76 points · Posted at 23:58:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God that sounds like such horrible sleep deprivation to get to that point

Ithrowyouawayoneday · 30 points · Posted at 02:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup. Sippy cup in the cupholder, coffee in the bottom of the stroller. Glad those things rinse and dry pretty well. Was a nice walk though.

comrade_julie · 11 points · Posted at 00:01:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh boy, that's no fun

TheSwankySwankster · 48 points · Posted at 23:56:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait so you threw the toilet in the hamper and spit a loogie into the towel?

comrade_julie · 19 points · Posted at 00:03:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe

TheSwankySwankster · 17 points · Posted at 00:12:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like a costly mistake

Juxta_Cut · 11 points · Posted at 01:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 01:04:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

comrade_julie · 10 points · Posted at 01:43:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this as a dishwasher lol

XplosivCookie · 8 points · Posted at 00:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this exact same thing and I felt ashamed, first time I've considered myself disgusting.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 9 points · Posted at 12:05:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk why but this just reminded me of the time I accidentally coughed on my girlfriend at the time.

I leaned in the kiss her then realised I needed to cough. Meant to pull away and cough into my hand but the signal got mixed up and I just coughed onto her face lmao

comrade_julie · 3 points · Posted at 14:33:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha I've done this before

P0sitive_Outlook · 7 points · Posted at 02:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took a change of clothes into the bathroom to have a quick bath, got undressed, put all the clothes in the hamper, bathed, chucked the wet washcloth on top of all the clothes, then had to fish out the least-wet of the two wet boxers, t-shirts and trousers to wear while i went past my family back upstairs to find some dry clothes...

silencetrees · 3 points · Posted at 06:31:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my goodness thank you for sharing this. My mom and I just laughed until we cried at the thought of a towel in the toilet and hocking a loogie into the hamper.

eddiestriker · 3 points · Posted at 06:44:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Early laundry day?

comrade_julie · 2 points · Posted at 14:32:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You bet.

scar-cosa · -6 points · Posted at 00:24:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So basically you did nothing wrong since you had to wash those clothes anyway

comrade_julie · 21 points · Posted at 00:26:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, I'd rather not have lung butter on my towel, that shit is hard to wash off

[deleted] · 30 points · Posted at 01:31:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

my sides are in space oh my fuckihng gjgod

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 173 points · Posted at 21:47:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my god, I’ve been there! Poured my juice into my soup instead of my glass 🤦🏻‍♀️ Did you have enough eggs left for your cookies? Did they turn out okay?

MaxYoung · 24 points · Posted at 23:26:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heck yeah cookies, along with pbj sandwiches, are the only things I can make at an expert level

Polar_Ted · 12 points · Posted at 00:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks for making me remember my wife pouring milk into the coffee maker. That was great.

coredumperror · 6 points · Posted at 03:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured my juice into my soup

Ohh, this reminds me of the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten. I was car camping with my Boy Scout troop, and we were having breakfast. It was the last day of the car camp, and we'd run out of milk, but still had Fruit Loops, so I decided that rather than eating them dry, I'd substitute milk for Barq's Rootbeer.

I actually ate a whole spoonful of the stuff before I realized how stupid of an idea it had been. Ewwwwww.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 12:08:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eeew Rootbeer with fruit loops does not sound like a good combo

coredumperror · 3 points · Posted at 17:28:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go back in time and tell that to my 13-year-old self. Please!

jinglebellpenguin · 3 points · Posted at 07:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha one time when I was about 18 and hungover I was sitting at the table during lunch trying to pretend everything was fine. I decided I should drink some water and started pouring it, only to look down and realise I’d flooded my entire plate and my glass remained empty.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 12:09:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did your family react?

jinglebellpenguin · 2 points · Posted at 16:34:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They just stared and then made fun of me, it was actually really funny

bluesox · 2 points · Posted at 00:18:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did it turn out?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 13:42:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn’t eat it, I threw it out.

[deleted] · 97 points · Posted at 21:54:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I relate to this on a spiritual level, why is baking so damn relaxing??

animaniatico · 11 points · Posted at 00:34:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha, it's because you haven't worked at a bakery, near Christmas (someone save me, please)

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 02:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God's speed my man, God's speed. Not too long left!

_joy_division_ · 9 points · Posted at 23:53:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I tried to make clear soup - you pretty much simmer vegetables in broth and then strain the vegetables out and reserve the soup. My stupid ass used a colander and saved the vegetables and poured the soup down the drain!!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, at least you had some lovely vegetables to eat?

syncchick · 5 points · Posted at 01:22:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once pumped an almost full bottle of breastmilk and then went and poured it down the kitchen sink. I almost cried.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 12:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s heartbreaking!

I don’t have kids but I’ve seen the state my sister got into when she was lactating.

Did you have spare milk or did you have to re-pump?

syncchick · 2 points · Posted at 12:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thankfully I didn’t need the milk right then, I was just pumping to build up a reserve in the freezer. So I said forget it and resolved to be more careful next time.

seabreezesqueeze · 5 points · Posted at 23:12:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof I did this when I was working at McDonald’s. Sometimes we were really busy and I would instinctively crack the egg but open it over the trash can by accident. Or I would crack one (usually did two at a time) and when I’d throw that one away I would throw the uncracked one away also out of habit smh

Can_I_Read · 5 points · Posted at 23:41:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to make my own stock using leftover chicken bones and various other ingredients. It’s really hard to strain the contents out and save the stock. Autopilot sends it down the drain and then I’m stuck with a bunch of old soggy bones.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 11:36:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not spaghetti!

ClutzyMe · 3 points · Posted at 00:19:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahahahahaha I did this recently! I was cracking eggs and had my green waste recycling bin close by to toss the shells in. I cracked the egg right into the green bin and dropped the shells in my batter. Immediate face palm.

introspeck · 3 points · Posted at 01:50:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bypassed the grinder and the coffeemaker by putting the coffee beans right into my mug. I stared at it for a few seconds trying to work out what I'd done.

bonerfruit · 3 points · Posted at 03:30:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last time I made pancakes too early in the morning, instead of cracking the egg over the bowl, I used the rim on the sink. I poured the yolk into the sink and threw the shell out. I did this with 3 eggs in a row and just kept thinking "wtf is wrong with these eggs".

I went back to sleep after breakfast

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 04:46:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually move the trash can next to me when making eggs so I can just throw the shells right in. More than once I have absentmindedly cracked the egg straight into the trash and then stood there for a minute trying to figure out what part of me decided that was a good idea.

isaac_2545 · 2 points · Posted at 00:08:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once did this while making an omelette, twice in row.

weburr · 2 points · Posted at 00:31:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the but with egg straight into the sink. No hesitation.

confusedpublic · 2 points · Posted at 00:38:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Classic one is putting a sauce or soup through a sieve... into the sink, rather than a container.

NutellaUnicorns · 2 points · Posted at 01:25:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time as a kid I was making myself a cup of Milo. Got the cup out, poured the Milo into a cup all I had to do was pour the damn milk in the cup but I end up pouring it into the newly bought Milo container. My only thought was “my mums going to kill me.”

cfspen514 · 2 points · Posted at 02:00:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first cheesecake I ever made turned out super weird because I did that with all of the eggs. My mom still brings it up at parties 15 years later.

spooderboop · 2 points · Posted at 03:40:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently cracked an egg right into the carton 😭

Defgill · 2 points · Posted at 05:00:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm really glad to see all these types of comments. I always thought it was because I was high

memooohc · 2 points · Posted at 11:39:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There are at least 2 other people that do this, including me. Human brain bugs out at : crack egg then empty insides at pan, trow shell in the garbage

ThanosHelicopter · 1 points · Posted at 23:24:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done the exact same thing! My roommate wouldn’t stop giving me shit for it

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:35:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cereal in the fridge, milk in the sink, dishes in the cupboard lol

egotisticalnoob · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've heard of people doing this before.

lger2010 · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The ol' Arthur's Grandmother maneuver

roosterjack77 · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this in the morning making eggs for breakfast

SparkStorm · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar story here

Was gonna make some hard boiled eggs, I usually make fried eggs though, cracked an egg right into the water...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 11:38:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tada! Poached.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read this as "at the movies, I cracked an egg" and I just sat for a few wondering why you were cracking an egg at the movies

ktpryde · 1 points · Posted at 01:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at this bakery and i was helping a coworker crack about 100 eggs into a mixing bowl. When we went to clean up i picked up all of the egg shells and threw them into the mixing bowl with the rest of the eggs instead of into the garbage can. I was really tired that day...

aDIYkindOFguy88 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crap, I did something similar just a couple weeks ago. Whilst in the process of cracking about 2 dozen eggs and putting them into a mixing bowl, I cracked one of them and just threw the whole thing in the trash.

IcarianSkies · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for Chick-fil-A. Twice now one particular coworker has, in a sleep deprived state, shaken the freshly-breaded nuggets in the sifter, turned to dump them in the fryer, and instead deposited the whole batch straight into the trash can.

trekie4747 · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you trying to make Buster Clusters?

InterstellarBlue · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Funny, I actually just did this with mandarins. I opened a bag of mandarins, kept the wrapper, and threw the mandarins into the trash.

stealing_thunder · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that once, but I had to separate the eggs to make meringue... If you put just a little yolk

stargazingmanatee · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done that before, lol.

silentlyscreaming01 · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was around 11 or 12 my family went to the store to get ingredients for cookies, and as soon as we got home I was so excited that I just opened the bag of flour and started pouring it into a bowl, thinking it was a perfectly reasonable way to begin.

StormTrooperQ · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I watched my sister crack an egg on the side of the counter, drop the yolk and white onto the floor (and side of the counter), throw the shell where the trash had been (but wasn't anymore). While inches away from the bowl she was using which was inside the sink. I still giggle to myself when I think of it. Thank you for reminding me of that lovely memory!

niktak11 · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once. After realizing my mistake, I quickly spaced out again and did it to the second egg I cracked.

caffein8dnotopi8d · 1 points · Posted at 03:49:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, last summer I moved towns and the first job I found was as a baker. I was psyched because I love baking, I had been working in the bakery of a Sam’s Club previously. The job itself was great (make everything for the display, then make a list of whatever doughs/mixes I needed to make, make them, clean up, go home).

BUT the one catch: I had been working nights for a solid year (my Sam’s Club job 1-9:30, then I also worked at Wendy’s 10-3am or 5-3am on my days off the first job). This new job was a proper bakers’ schedule, so 4:30am until I got done.

Stuff like that happened more than a few times until my sleep schedule caught up...

icyangel2666 · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was an Arthur episode where their grandma thought you were supposed to use the shells. lol

Bainsyboy · 1 points · Posted at 04:13:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once making hollandaise sauce and needed to get 4 egg yokes. I ended up collecting 4 egg whites and throwing away 4 egg yokes... I've made this recipe many many times before so I had no excuse except my brain short circuited.

plutosrain · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! I did something similar the other day. I cracked an egg into the sink and put the shell in a bowl. Was supposed to do that the other way round.

piccolo3nj · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just did this yesterday

Travyplx · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this several times, cracking the egg into my compost container.

NavyAnchor03 · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I have done this so many times. Early morning pastry shifts. Crack the egg in the bowl, shell in the garbage, egg in the bowl shell in the garbage, egg in the garbage, shell in the- fuck.

Carlthellamakiller · 1 points · Posted at 05:25:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once did this 3 times in a row before realizing and then couldn't eat eggs because I needed to save some for another meal

Reavie · 1 points · Posted at 05:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a plastic bag on the counter for trash/ waste like onion, garlic skins, shells. I have wasted probably near a dozen eggs cracking them into those bags with only realizing it after the fact I done fucked up

evanjw90 · 1 points · Posted at 06:24:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to crack about 100 dozen eggs every day as prep, and I could not tell you how many times I cracked an egg and dumped the yolk right into the trash and threw shells into the yolks.

SassyHail · 1 points · Posted at 08:00:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making scrambled eggs and after cracking one in a bowl, just. Dropped the shell right in.

Had to give my brain a few moments to reset on why this was a not good thing to do.

generic-volume · 1 points · Posted at 08:20:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once carefully separated out about 6 egg whites, then on the last one just dumped the yolk into the bowl of whites

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this last week.

wooghee · 1 points · Posted at 10:26:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just last week I was making cookies as well. First thing: butter, I proceeded to throw two out of four pieces of it in the trash and carefully place the wrapping paper in the bowl.

Luckily the butter was salvageable because it landed on the first two wrapping paper so it was not dirty.

tigger837 · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did a similar thing when I ordered a take away coffee once, went over to the sugar station, ripped open a stick of sugar and dumped it straight in the bin instead of my coffee.

kharmatika · 1 points · Posted at 11:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a similar thing happen recently. Was making ramen, went to grab an egg to soft boil, then without thinking I cracked it on the counter. I had my ramen with a fried egg that day.

Dzuzepipi · 1 points · Posted at 11:57:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All nutritions are in the shells!

werekitty93 · 1 points · Posted at 12:01:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making broccoli soup once and needed to strain out the bits and my flawless logic was to do it in the sink...and let the soup part I want go directly down the drain. So sad.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:47:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While cracking 120 eggs for a recipe at work, I got distracted talking to a coworker and just open palm smashed an egg into the table.

gafelda · 1 points · Posted at 14:14:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worse case of this is straining your broth into the sink

jenamac · 1 points · Posted at 14:31:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually crack eggs in front of whatever I'm cooking with, but this particular bowl was too blunt, so I cracked the egg in front of the sink... and then opened and dumped it right into the sink.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:34:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did almost this exact thing, except I cracked the egg right into the garbage disposal, then caught myself going to chuck the shells into the cookies. Had a "WTF am I doing?" moment, threw the shells away, then proceeded to DO THE EXACT SAME THING AGAIN. D'oh!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:59:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drained the broth and kept the bones in a stock once, 8 hours of simmering wasted.

The_Frogs · 1 points · Posted at 15:31:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost did this the other day and my fiance was just staring at me like wtf, but I caught myself. We had a good laugh about it.

Swtcherrypie · 1 points · Posted at 16:44:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making cookies last weekend. I opened up the stick of butter and almost threw it away instead of the wrapper. Thankfully I realized what I was doing before it went in the trash though.

espinosajagger · 1 points · Posted at 17:52:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing making breakfast burritos. Not once, not twice, but three times in a row. Rip to those eggs.

Churtlenater · 1 points · Posted at 20:03:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally did the same thing at work once. I needed to crack a whole box of eggs and was 5 minutes in at a great pace when a server walked up and started watching while he took a break from the customers. He said “wow that’s honestly kind of impressive”. I responded with “thanks” and proceeded to crack 2 eggs simultaneously and deposit the contents in the trash. Of course I then threw the shells into the mixing bowl. Server started laughing so hard he was crying as I shamefully fished the shells out and laughed at myself.

All the customers at the bar saw it through the kitchen window too so at least they got a good show out of it.

benoni79 · 1189 points · Posted at 22:17:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was late to my first day of work. Autopilot Me chose to go to my previous employer of 15 years where I had quit. I realized about 5 minutes before getting there and had to drive about 25 min back in the direction I came from. Old job was about 30 min depending on traffic, new job was about 5. Same industry, new coworkers just laughed it off. 15 years of the same commute, same truck, same tools, just another Monday on autopilot.

Pornographic_Hooker · 51 points · Posted at 00:45:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did once after transferring to a new store on my first opening shift. To preface this I am always early to a fault, (Like 15-30 minutes early all the times) anyway so I get to my old store start opening up (still had the keys because I still had one more close shift to do at that store) Well, about 10 minutes later the actual opener shows up and it clicks. I rush out and speed to the other store. Fun times.

P3gleg00 · 12 points · Posted at 00:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there,and back.

OneGirl_2DCups · 4 points · Posted at 14:40:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just another manic Monday....

TBA18 · 3614 points · Posted at 21:44:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dipped a knife in a cup and tried to drink out of a jam jar

dasonicboom · 100 points · Posted at 01:12:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nothing like some nice coffee on toast and a cup of jam.

TexasTmac · 13 points · Posted at 01:51:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you from the southern US where Mason jars are common drinking apparatuses? If so, I'd wager that you're far from alone on this one.

-7ofSpades- · 12 points · Posted at 01:00:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the same time?

ClumsyRainbow · 10 points · Posted at 01:48:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just trying to be trendy drinking out of jars Huh?

BareNuckleBoxingBear · 6 points · Posted at 05:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a pretty heavy coffee drinking I've caught myself blowing on cold drinks to "cool" them down

ninetales0317 · 4 points · Posted at 07:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am always trying to drink things that are not ment to be drank.

I paint and one time I was drinking coffee while I did this. I put my paint brush in my coffee and tried to drink my paint brush water.

VentKlik · 3 points · Posted at 01:41:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some reason I do similar things like this a lot.

SouljazzNerd · 3 points · Posted at 03:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Classic

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:32:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's like when you think of saying two different words but end up mixing them together

bjb13 · 1 points · Posted at 13:27:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured the hot water for my tea into the bowl of eggs I’d just cracked instead of the cup.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was it the poop knife?

luke_in_the_sky · 1 points · Posted at 14:23:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured milk into the cereal box.

ProudKek · 1 points · Posted at 14:47:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad once put soy sauce on his coca cola glass, he was really hoping nobody had noticed, but I when I saw, I started laughing out loud.

youngmaster0527 · 1 points · Posted at 15:45:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But Did you spread whatever was in the cub on the bread?

OctaVariuM8 · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:43 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Life is too short to refrain from eating jam out of the jar.

[deleted] · 9415 points · Posted at 21:40:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

welpreallynotsurenow · 3579 points · Posted at 21:59:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with a phone and radio at work and have answered my phone with "base go ahead" and my radio "blank county Transit." Have also had my radio go off and pick up my to-go cup of coffee and use it to try and answer (I use a straw in my coffee and in my half awake mind it was the antenna.

[deleted] · 721 points · Posted at 22:07:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

SurrealKale · 2184 points · Posted at 23:42:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

From the coffee?

Dr_Awesome867 · 176 points · Posted at 00:10:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my coffee told me that I needed to see a psychiatrist.

tmn-loveblue · 87 points · Posted at 00:42:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am your coffee. You still need that psychiatrist

AlphaShaldow · 43 points · Posted at 01:01:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey its me ur coffee

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 05:24:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where the fuck did I put you

Wollygonehome · 13 points · Posted at 06:42:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the car roof. You took off without me. I'll never forgive you.

darkslide3000 · 37 points · Posted at 00:55:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

See, that's why I prefer hot chocolate. It just tells me to burn the place down.

PoiLethe · 7 points · Posted at 09:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"If my tastebuds are burnt then everything else should also burn"

viciousbreed · 6 points · Posted at 05:45:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah yeah, the eighth cup is a pseudointellectual jerk. I'll take that over the tenth cup asking me if an herbal tea might not be better, though.

1plus1equalsgender · 12 points · Posted at 00:28:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmfao

-Don-Draper- · 20 points · Posted at 00:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That would be surreal.

Mooeykinz · 8 points · Posted at 01:51:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sides hurt thank you

psilontech · 4 points · Posted at 03:29:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked in 'Deadly Premonition'!

WhoClay · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We don't talk about that

archa1c0236 · 1 points · Posted at 17:43:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

Restless_Fillmore · 51 points · Posted at 00:25:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Side note to yours: Back when cell phones were just starting to take off, and we had one for the field guys to use, they told the new guy that they were to use radio protocol when calling me (the project manager back in the office). And they told him that they all had callsigns, and that I was "Wizard" and he was to be "Scarecrow" (he thought it was because he was a stringbean, but it was actually because 'if I only had a brain').

So his first day in the field, I get a phone call from him, and the first thing I hear is "Scarecrow to Wizard, Scarecrow to Wizard, are you there?"

Ditchdigger456 · 15 points · Posted at 00:49:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I get out of the field it’s a lot of Rogers and Wilco’s on the phone whenever someone calls me for like a week lol

10GuyIsDrunk · 13 points · Posted at 02:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use a straw in my coffee

...what?

welpreallynotsurenow · 7 points · Posted at 03:32:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use a straw in all my drinks, even my WARM beer! Haha

ForgotHowToGiveAShit · 22 points · Posted at 00:31:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do something similar . I’m an air traffic controller and we end our calls to other controllers with our operating initials. I’ll occasionally end my normal phone calls with them as well.

thecolouredline · 9 points · Posted at 00:58:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my gosh I've done that too, soo many times! Answer the radio "dispatch, this is thecolouredline" haha, such a goofball move. And hear the phone ring and go to pick up the radio to answer it haha

MsWhimsy · 8 points · Posted at 01:21:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've posted this before but where I work we have a radio that we use to call other departments. We are three. I needed to call valet when the phone started ringing. Rather than give my standard greeting I answered "three to valet".

It was a really silly brain fart that cracked me up way more than the guest.

P0sitive_Outlook · 8 points · Posted at 03:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man i had to call home mid-day and leave a voicemail. After "Over" and a long pause i realized i wasn't on my radio and wished i could delete the message.

relevantusername- · 8 points · Posted at 02:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

)

welpreallynotsurenow · 3 points · Posted at 03:34:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you! Won't edit because you fixed it for me!

AubinCLemar · 3 points · Posted at 09:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like watching you from a cinematic point must be like one of those wholesome 90's movies.

erm4gundr · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you're that sleepy the coffee isn't doing it. You're gonna need something stronger.

welpreallynotsurenow · 3 points · Posted at 03:35:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well it works eventually, the day it happened my shift had just started about 30 minutes prior at 5:30am

TrashPalaceKing · 2 points · Posted at 04:02:32 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, the number of phone conversations I have ended with “base clear” 😂 Usually I can catch myself and it just ends up, “ba-byyyeee.”

slater124 · 1 points · Posted at 12:27:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How asleep were you?

thepoddo · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with radios too, too often I answer phone with "go ahead"

McIgglyTuffMuffin · 1151 points · Posted at 22:36:51 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to take to go orders at a Tex Mex restaurant. On multiple occasions I've answered my personal phone with "Thank you for calling [restaurant], what can I help you with this evening?"

Even after I no longer did to go orders and no longer worked there.

hippiesaurusrex · 37 points · Posted at 23:49:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Isn't it crazy how things like that stick? At the mom and pop store I used to work at we always said "welcome" when people came in. Even after not working there for six years I still have to fight the urge to say that when I see someone enter a room.

Rose_A_Belle · 24 points · Posted at 00:10:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It took years of not working at Chick-fil-A anymore to not have "My pleasure" be my automatic response to someone saying, "Thank you" to me

SamiTheBystander · 10 points · Posted at 01:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh okay yeah so that is something you're specifically told to say? Seems arbitrary tbh but I noticed every chick fil a employee says it instead of you're welcome

Rose_A_Belle · 11 points · Posted at 01:30:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, "How can I serve you?" And "My pleasure" are two things every CFA employee is told to say

tastycat · 17 points · Posted at 01:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when my mom tried to wake me up one of my hands went to my ear and I said "Welcome to Tim Hortons, may I take your order?" as I was becoming awake. I hadn't worked there in over a decade.

ClutzyMe · 13 points · Posted at 00:17:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in fear of answering the phone at my current job with the name of a company I no longer work for.

McIgglyTuffMuffin · 9 points · Posted at 00:18:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dammit Johnson, you work at McDonald's now. Stop telling customers this is Burger King!

DeCiB3l · 2 points · Posted at 03:16:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For what legitimate reason would someone call a Burger King on the phone?

modo-j · 1 points · Posted at 10:16:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Employment opportunity? Or just employees calling in. Complaints... There are reasons.

HighnessOfCats · 6 points · Posted at 01:27:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The first job I ever had handling the phones was for a law firm. To this day when I answer phones for other places, I will sometimes still answer as if it was for the law firm. It's been 4 years.

inspectoralex · 7 points · Posted at 02:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anytime I checkout at a store, I end the transaction as if I were the one ringing them up. "Thanks for coming in, hope you have a great day!"

I also mix up my interactions depending on what workstation I am at. For the register, I start the transaction as if I were at the service desk. Or I will ask people if they want their receipt as if I were working the snack bar, which I haven't worked at for three years now. And I instinctively take people's cards if they hand it to me as if I were working at the pizza place I have not worked at for five years.

xenacoryza · 3 points · Posted at 19:52:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday while I was waiting in line to be checked out at the store the cashier says goodbye thank you to the couple ahead of me and I say "thank you, merry christmas!" And wave at them like I also worked there.

SevenSirensSinging · 5 points · Posted at 08:14:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Claire's (ear-piercing, junk jewelry, hair doodads and other accessories for anyone not familiar) and YEARS later, I answered the phone at my bakery job with, "thanks for calling Claire's, where ear-piercing is always free! This is [my full first name I didn't use at this job], how can I assist you today?" Paused as the customer paused and was like, ".....um, actually, thanks for calling Wal-Mart bakery...my name is confused, how can I help you?". The customer laughed at me.

babycreek · 4 points · Posted at 06:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a switchboard operator, and I have a new coworker who is no longer allowed to cover for me because she can't stop answering the phone (town) Daily Herald, how may I help you? (Her previous job) Our customers were very confused until I came back from lunch one day and heard her answer the phone and told her what she was saying. She didn't even realize and was wondering why people were just hanging up!

pknk6116 · 3 points · Posted at 04:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

yo I know you don't work there anymore but could you mail me a burrito

tynamite · 2 points · Posted at 01:44:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

had a winn dixie guy answer the phone at a publix with his winn dixie welcome lol. too soon to adjust.

eulalia-vox · 2 points · Posted at 02:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I (rarely, thank goodness) try to answer my work phone with "Health Information Management, this is eulaliavox." It's been over a decade since I've worked there.

amoodymermaid · 2 points · Posted at 04:34:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once answered my phone with the name of a former employer at least five years after working for the new one.

kleptophobiac · 2 points · Posted at 07:34:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done it countless times at home as if I were at the funeral homes I have worked for.

pinkfunnyonion · 2 points · Posted at 08:29:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a gym, it was typical for me to answer my personal phone by saying, “it’s a great day to get in shape!”

xenacoryza · 1 points · Posted at 19:40:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The restaurant I worked at had a really dumb phone pick up, "Thank you for calling -- this is xenacoryza, how can I make your day today?"

Even when I changed jobs I would still say that when I answered the phone and sometimes just when I answered normal calls. It's always embarrassing because it's an awkward thing to say.

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 19:59:36 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hangs up in response to the banner, calls again the same "wrong number" immediately after

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 185 points · Posted at 21:59:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Ahh! Oh no! Did they think they called the wrong number? Or does it happen often enough that they’re used to it now?

[deleted] · 183 points · Posted at 22:05:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

TarantulaArms · 11 points · Posted at 01:08:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do it on outgoing calls.

Calling for take-out: "Hi this is TarantulaArms calling from... My house and I'd like to place an order."

tinyhouse54 · 3 points · Posted at 04:35:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God, I've done that at the McDonald's drive-thru. "Hi, this is tinyhouse54 with the [Hotel Name] in [City] and I'm just ... Wanting a McChicken, thanks."

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 03:10:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i lived at home i'd get calls for "Mr_Outlook" and hand it over to my father who'd immediately hand it back and say "It's for you".

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 12:53:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to get Calls for Miss [LastName] and I’m like “which one?” ‘Cause my mum is also Miss [LastName]

guitargirlmolly · 22 points · Posted at 23:50:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ended a call with my dad once with “I do appreciate your call and I hope you have a wonderful day!”

I called him... he just laughed.

kristykrab · 4 points · Posted at 00:53:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is gold. If I wasn't a broke-ass college student I would gild you.

CoconutCyclone · 9 points · Posted at 22:37:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this SO MUCH when I worked in a call center.

little_calico · 7 points · Posted at 23:49:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woken up from a dead sleep at home by the phone ringing. Answered "(City) (Party Store) How can I help you?" Mom was totally confused.

skullkid250 · 9 points · Posted at 00:15:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a time when I was working for a pharmacy & a pizzeria at the same time. While at the pizzeria I kept answering the phone as CVS Pharmacy. Even weirder is on occasion after getting their delivery address I’d ask for their birthday.

Phyrodox · 6 points · Posted at 23:19:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done the same multiple times after long shifts. “Good morning blood transfusion. Oh hey mom”

Indeyon · 5 points · Posted at 23:45:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this; ran in the door right from work as I heard the phone ringing and answered with “Bureau of Land Management this is Indeyon, how mayyyyuuuhhhh... Hi Uncle.”

ohheycole · 6 points · Posted at 00:05:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I answered my work phone "thank you for calling dollar general, how may I help you?" I haven't worked there in over six years...

ohitslouise · 6 points · Posted at 00:24:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a supermarket and now work in a hospital pharmacy but when I pick up the phones there I still have to stop myself from saying “Good afternoon, supermarket name/location how can I help?”

Bonus: when working on checkouts in the supermarket I would go so autopilot that when I’d finished with a customer I’d say “love you, bye” like to think some of them tell the stories of that

GiveMeCheesecake · 4 points · Posted at 23:14:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a call centre where we had a 3 second gap between one call ending and the next one starting. 8 hour shifts, no down time between calls ever. That gets right into your neurons and you can’t help it!

Fuck I’m glad I left that job. 15 years later and till hate answering the phone though.

olympic-lurker · 4 points · Posted at 00:04:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After I quit the retail job I'd had for almost 5 years, it took another 2 years for me to stop thinking "[Store name] at [mall name], this is olympic-lurker, how can I help you?" every time I heard a phone ring. At least I only actually said it a handful of times. It's been over 5 years since I quit and I still occasionally dream that I'm working there, except now there's an element of panic because I know they have a new POS system and somehow my dreams get that detail right so I'm at the register and people are getting mad at me because I can't ring anyone up.

boyproblems_mp3 · 4 points · Posted at 00:07:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work two jobs where I answer a phone and have answered the phone at my day job with my night job greeting. Turns out they wanted to rent an apartment rather than book a reservation for dinner. My boss, me and the guy on the phone all had a good laugh when I explained myself.

DutchNotSleeping · 3 points · Posted at 00:16:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once picked up the phone saying "Hello and welcome to McDonald's may I have your order please"

summer-snow · 4 points · Posted at 00:18:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at a call center, the beep you hear before you leave a voicemail sounds just like the beep before a call would come in, so there were a few messages that I left that started with "Thanks for calling (place), my n-... Um..."

jcquik · 3 points · Posted at 00:47:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one.. I used to work for American Express in college and would get a call after work, half asleep and read the opening script to my friends...

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:49:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time at work I answered the phone and just said my first and last name. Luckily, the lady the on other end had a good sense of humor and replied with her first and last name too

Gfiti · 2 points · Posted at 23:28:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Luckily I haven't done that on private calls yes. Happens regularly on internal calls at work though xD

muontain · 2 points · Posted at 00:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I know this feeling, I work at a bookstore and when ever I call one of the other stores in the store chain I open with “Name I of the store and name of the mall”. So when I call mall security I always says the name of the store followed by the name of the mall before I catch my self.

Thegreen_flash · 2 points · Posted at 00:08:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remember you’re my numbah one customah!

TotalCupcake · 2 points · Posted at 00:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a pizza place in high school. For the longest time, when I answered the phone I came very close to saying (if not actually saying) “Thanks for calling ___ Pizza, pickup or delivery?” My job now is phone calls as well but begins by asking for a name which I get from my computer screen, so, don’t typically autopilot there.

Ginger_Ale232 · 2 points · Posted at 00:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My full time job is a gas station, we sell pizzas and take call in orders. My part time job is a hotel. I can't tell you how many times I've answered the phone with the wrong greeting.

Dutchn8 · 2 points · Posted at 00:16:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife works at a call center and she occasionally goes into her closing spiel when talking to family. You're definitely not alone!

Trance354 · 2 points · Posted at 00:20:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every now and again, I'll answer the work phone with, "Thank you for calling kinko's, how my we satisfy your copy needs today?"

It's been over a decade

btribble · 2 points · Posted at 00:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anyone with one of these roles has done this at least once.

CatTaxAuditor · 2 points · Posted at 00:31:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that while working in a hotel. Asked my aunt calling my house if she was looking for a reservation and interested in a golfing package with free breakfast.

Ihavesomethingtosay9 · 2 points · Posted at 00:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also used to work in a call center and would call my mom and thank her for calling (insurance company).

cloistered_around · 2 points · Posted at 00:41:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at a fast food drive through and having grown up religious there were many times I almost started a prayer instead of greeting the customer--for some reason those two repetitive intros got mixed up in my brain. xD

pussifer · 2 points · Posted at 00:45:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently changed jobs. Same field, same kinda work, different company. Training myself to not say '(old company name) this is Pussifer, how can I help you?' whenever the phone rings has been brutal. I've only fucked it up like a half dozen times so far.

My coworker, who also transferred jobs with me (old company shut down, we both got hired by the new one) has had it worse. She fields a lot more calls than I do, so she got it down pretty quick. But she's been pretty under the weather recently, and auto-pilot's been kicking in hard these past few days.

It's been pretty funny to listen to.

SparkytheStuntDog · 2 points · Posted at 00:47:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that a lot. "This is Sparky at taco bell, how may I help you? "

"Did I dial the wrong number? "

"No ma'am I'm just an idiot. "

Sacredauto · 2 points · Posted at 00:48:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered my doctors office calling my personal cell like it was my work phone, “uhhhh, is this Mr. sacredauto?”

Cue me wondering how they knew...

Tiredofstandingstill · 2 points · Posted at 00:51:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do similar and say things like "hotel name then my name speaking , how can i help you" . I even did it a few times when i rang them and they said "hello".

Also when i had a different job and we used radio's i got into the habit of just picking up and saying "go ahead"

meteorslime · 2 points · Posted at 01:09:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a fellow CSR this is the realest experience

Deraytia · 2 points · Posted at 03:02:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband used to work in a call department and in his sleep he would recite the answering message when he picked up the call. He would also occasionally say things like “well you can just fuck off” or “I don’t care it’s not my fucking problem”.

philipwhiuk · 2 points · Posted at 10:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly if they’ve not got their membership number are they even friends.

enter_fuso · 2 points · Posted at 12:46:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's what I wanted to post. Happened to me more than once.

On the other hand - being able to effortlessly switch to a business tone on the phone can help you with a lot of otherwise awkward calls.

cleaver_remarkable · 2 points · Posted at 07:10:25 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know it's super late to the party, but I wanted to share a time I did the same. I was working at a local car dealership and we had to answer with, "It's a great day at [dealership name] I'm [my name] how can I direct your call??" I did this to a telemarketer once, and he was very confused. We shared a laugh together.

Gavin777 · 2 points · Posted at 00:42:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am glad I am not the only one. I used to manage a small family owned glass company and we had to answer the phone with 'Thanks for calling Greg's Glass, Gavin speaking'. I ended up answering the landline at home like that after getting home from a busy day at work and my soon to be brother in law lost his shit haha.

wallflower7522 · 1 points · Posted at 23:42:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time while i was working at McDonald’s in high school I answered my cell phone “may I take your order please?” Ive worked in call centers too and totally have gone into call center mode in personal phone calls.

Ballzee45 · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this once but I was working for AT&T.

Snurgalicious · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once pulled up to the drive thru order box and said “Thank you for calling place I work, my name is FussNSnurg how can I...oh my god...”

Nansai · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahhh in a similar vein, a lot of times when giving my number I autopilot and give my work number. I've done it multiple times when ordering pizza hahaha

Warpath89 · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I still do this! Left my dispatch job a year ago. It’s hard answering the phone now to say “You’ve reached ABC this is Warpath”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in sales and everytime I call my doctor or something like that I do the "Hello this is countchocula from..."

They usually get a laugh out of it, but it's super embarrassing.

Drzerockis · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always have to resist the urge to answer my personal phone with my unit number and my name

kianaluj · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time. My mom calls and I answer, “CVS pharmacy, this is kianaluj, how can I help you?” Lol

claytonfromillinois · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've started accidentally doing it when I call people.

ScifiGirl1986 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I answered the phone with the name of a company I haven't worked for since May.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this a lot because I am a receptionist. Also at work sometimes I switch my "You are calling me" greeting with the "I am calling you" greeting.

munchies1122 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've got two jobs so for a couple hours at the beginning of each shift ibhave to consciously think what place I'm currently at.

Though I have slipped up and confused the shit out of the person on the other end

the_honest_liar · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called to order a pizza and asked the guy if it was for here or to go. Awkward confusion ensued.

dre5922 · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at a call centre after working at McDonald's for 7 years

Me: "thank you for calling Valleyview McDonald's... I mean thank you for calling Rogers"

Manager I didn't know was listening in had to take a moment for how long they were laughing at me

BarnMcDanger · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is that weird? None of my family members will talk to me without a valid and up to date membership card.

ninjakitty117 · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a few months, I work 2 different retail jobs where I had the phone. You can bet I answered as a grocery store at the restaurant more than once.

ijustwanttobejess · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God - I did a stint in college with a company called Envisionet doing tech support for MSN tech support. I woke myself up in the middle of the night multiple times saying "Thank you for calling MSN tech support! My name is....what the fuck? Where am I?"

windowpuncher · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God I have done this so many times.

Hi this is name how can I help you?

floatingwithobrien · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once said "thanks for calling--wait. I called you. You know what I mean" speaking to a customer.

real_donald_pump · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost did this at the gas station. In person.

ulldott · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw man. Used to work with IT-support. So many times I would answer my personal calls the same way. "IT-department, you're speaking with Ulldott".

AxeellYoung · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

AI answered the pizza delivery guy call with my it service desk welcome message. He said “uhoh no” and hung up. My first thought was how rude he sounded.

Then I remembered i am hungry, and it all clicked.

kaboose286 · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"hello, and thank you for calling PC Plus membershi......it"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just started a new job that, like my last job, involves answering the phone. Every time I answer I have to remind myself that I work at a different place now.

Chudboy · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did a similar thing when someone called in "Hi you're through to [company name], can you help me?" Maybe it was my conscious trying to reach out to the customer as it was a terrible job.

ftsktln · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have worked in the same restaurant for almost seven years now. I started a new job in a hospital working the nursing station desk but still work my restaurant job on weekends. Everytime the phone rings it takes everything in me not to say ‘so and so Japanese steakhouse how can I help you?’

BradfromHTX · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did car sales for a very big corporate dealership. Naturally we did a lot of follow up and most people couldn’t remember a name.

A full year after I’ve left I’ll still call people and say “hello this is Bradfromhtx from big corporate dealership”

Nillabeans · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha! Where I live, we have to address people in French and English. I worked retail for long enough that I regularly answered my phone, "bonjour, hi!"

I was also once buying stuff at a Shoppers where I used to work. The cashier, whom I didn't know, greeted me and I immediately said, "bonjour, hi! Avez-vous la carte Optimum? Do you have an optimum card?" Then the cashier and I laughed our asses off.

blade740 · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, I used to work at a call center for Disneyland. I've ended more than one personal phone call with "thank you for calling, have a zip-a-dee-doo-dah day!"

MrsTroy · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have worked at Dominos for 10 years now, I constantly have to stop myself from answering my phone with "Thanks for calling Dominos, is this for pickup or delivery?" It still happens way more often than I'm willing to admit...

trenchcoatangel · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time the doctor's office called my house and I answered "thanks for calling [pizza place], would you like to hear about our specials?

GALACTICA-Actual- · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband attempted (on many occasions) to sell me Netflix back in the day when I’d call him, from when he worked at Best Buy and it was a new thing (actual, physical DVDs in the mail!)

I’d always respond with “no, I already have it, but what do you want for dinner I’m at the store.”

Aylaviere · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a job where I left a lot of voicemails, with a standard message. I called my grandpa at lunchtime to wish him a happy birthday, got his voicemail and immediately went into "Hi, this is Aylaviere calling from company name, I'm just calling to... Uh... Wish you a happy birthday, wow that was automatic." he got a kick out of it at least :)

FluffieOwlet · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work between 3 locations, i was at one location yesterday where it was really busy and the phones where none stop.

We normally say, "buisness name, this is fluffieowlet, how can i help you"

I said, after calls after calls, "business name, this is (suburb of other location), how can i help you?...

Total brain fart..

jack-jackattack · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at Outback years ago, we had social events now and then (it used to be dinner-only and I can remember at least one daytime cookout). One of the managers answered his personal cell phone "Home of the Bloomin' Onion!"

I thought it was auto-pilot, but no, it was just Frank.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a grocery store meat department. I haven't worked there in 4 years but I still answer my cell phone "Stater Brothers meat department, how can I help you today?". My parents and fiancé think it's hilarious, my boss just gets annoyed

jinantonyx · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do tech support in a call center. After doing that for a few months, my sister in law called me to ask for computer help. I got up off the couch where I'd been watching tv, walked over to my computer, sat down, and spent a few minutes trying to figure out how to hold my cell phone while I took notes for the call...before realizing I didn't have to take notes since I wasn't at work.

RoseReddish · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On a similar note, I work in an ER. Answered an incoming ambulance with, “hello, ER this is RoseReddish, how can I help you?” Instead of “This is [insert hospital name] go ahead.” All my coworkers broke out in laughter as soon as it was out of my mouth. I also answer my cell phone with the first phrase often. I know I have confused the hell out of quite a few people.

Mantequilla_Stotch · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first job when I was 15 was papa John's and I was stuck answering phones every shift for months. Once in a while I would answer the house phone "thanks for calling papa John's, mantequilla speaking, how can I assist you today" ... Then I would realize I was at my house.

yurassis21 · 1 points · Posted at 04:11:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at college admissions and did the same thing!

cameragirl89 · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have worked at my current salon for two years now. I still have to think about the script when answering the phone. I have answered the phone "Thank you for calling previous salon name this is cameragirl89, how can I help you?" The girls in the salon banned me from answering the phones for a couple weeks. Oops.

TropicalPriest · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call out of a call centre, i try so hard to not say my intro when whoever i’m calling picks up or say my full name when i’m calling a client.

blackplaydoh · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called one of my utility companies to pay the bill once and the guy who answered said "Thank you Lord-- uh... thank you for calling SuchAndSuch, how can I help you?"

injimbles · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened once to me but I caught myself on time and it just ended up sounding as a weird "Hello"

DOW_orks7391 · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I only worked for a custom frame shop for about a year. Its been 3-4 years since i have worked there and every now and again i will call friends and default to my "your picture is ready for pick up" intro

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a call center where we had to essentially repeat other calls for voice recognition software to pick up, and we had to say the punctuation out loud for the transcription. I was constantly verbally punctuating my own conversations

lafilleolivia · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have also answered my personal phone with the greeting of the café that I work at

BonnieJacqueline · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Borders bookstore. During my first week another girl that started the same day as me answered the phone "Thank you for calling Barnes and Noble" and then hung up, looking panicked.

Sarahcyrisms · 1 points · Posted at 07:40:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this but with leaving messages. I work at an outbound call center for a hospital and if I need to leave a message on a doctors/mechanics/someone's phone who doesn't know me and I have to leave my name. I get half way through my script before realizing I'm not calling for work.

dannixxphantom · 1 points · Posted at 08:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad called my mom one day to ask a question and instinctively introduced himself the way he does when he makes work calls. She just replied with a very patient "I know".

DaughterEarth · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol my SO once spent 6 months training a new department. About halfway through he started saying "correct" to me any time I said something accurate.

CatherineConstance · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All through college I usually worked two jobs, and all of them included answering the phone. I got the locations mixed up so many times and left many customers confused. 😂

Lancerlandshark · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Husband does that to me every now and then. "Thank you for calling [Job], this is [Mr. Landshark], your licensed insurance agent. How can I help you today?" "Hi, honey?" "Oh, shit, sorry!"

xgonegiveit2ya · 13155 points · Posted at 22:45:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting my car out of the parking lot, heading back home after a loooong day. Shortly after I started driving, I passed by a car that is identical to mine and thought "cool, I found the car" i got out of the car to go to the other car. Halfway through I noticed that wtf I am doing, looked around hoping to God that no one saw me, and then went back on my merry way. Wasn't a proud moment lol

fourleggedostrich · 11429 points · Posted at 01:26:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

When I arrive at work, I subconsciously look for my friends cars, so I know who's already there. One day, I saw the same car as mine and thought, "I'm here as well".

Edit: Silver for an existential crisis. Yay! Thanks!

druncle2 · 2979 points · Posted at 02:34:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking down the sidewalk, and saw a car identical to mine. I waved, thinking I knew the driver, then realized I was trying to wave to myself, as I was the only person I knew who had that model car.

204- · 92 points · Posted at 05:04:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom was picking me up from school once and as I was exiting the school doors a model of van, with the same colour scheme, as the one my family had just traded in pulled into the parking lot. There was a lady with the same colour hair as my mom driving and me - thinking it was our family's van - played around and pretended to get hit by it (like you do...). Imagine my face when I realized it was not my mom but indeed my English teacher. My mom was killing herself laughing in our new car just to the left of me.

victato · 26 points · Posted at 05:16:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha this actually made me laugh -- your poor teacher -- how did she react?

204- · 26 points · Posted at 05:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ran into my (actual) car and my mom drove off. I honestly can't remember if she said anything the next school day. She probably did, I remember her as being pretty snarky.

[deleted] · 194 points · Posted at 03:41:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This thread has me dyingggggg

what-the-muffin · 108 points · Posted at 04:40:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, the “I’m here as well.” really got me😅

WickedRaccoon · 29 points · Posted at 06:49:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh look it's me!

...wait

druncle2 · 4 points · Posted at 12:58:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is exactly what it was like.

hungryColumbite · 18 points · Posted at 07:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s a few people with my model and color of car at my work.

Whenever we are in the parking lot together our conversation is:

“Nice [make of car]”

“Thanks, you too!”

isotopp · 13 points · Posted at 07:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plot Twist. You are driving a modified DeLorean with a MrFusion attachment

Vainity · 10 points · Posted at 07:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you have a good relationship with yourself. I woulda gave myself the finger. Fuck that guy.

iggle_piggle · 7 points · Posted at 07:10:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a slightly uncommon car so I always wave or give a thumbs up to others I see on the road

petlahk · 8 points · Posted at 07:33:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you know you weren't waving to yourself?

criverod1988 · 7 points · Posted at 08:38:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mother once waved to herself while taking me to school. The car was not even identical, just same color and similar shape.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 12:21:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to drive a tumeric coloured Nissan Cube and got so excited when I saw another one (very rare) I would always wave etc. I once parked next to one outside a supermarket and came out to a very confused Japanese lady and her child trying to get inside. I loved that car.

ImRoCal · 3 points · Posted at 15:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I now have my mom's old car, and I tend to bus alot because hey it's cheaper! But I'll often get really confused, because I'll get home and think my mom's there.

slater124 · 2 points · Posted at 12:20:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just made a new best friend whom is thinking the same thing. "hey, a fellow driver whom owns the same car I do."

pepek88 · 2 points · Posted at 13:10:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As they say, you are your best friend.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:56:49 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I saw a car identical to mine going through an intersection while I was waiting at the cross light and I honked and waved at them as if they knew who the fuck I was. Scared the shit out of them and everyone around me, no doubt 😬

zdakat · 2 points · Posted at 20:03:11 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driver: "Hi....do I know you?"
"Oh no, sorry. I just thought I was driving the car"
"Ooooook then"

etherealwasp · 3 points · Posted at 06:34:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my favourite

[deleted] · 352 points · Posted at 01:43:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

banditkeithwork · 98 points · Posted at 03:24:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

because wherever you go, there you are.

notasgr · 3 points · Posted at 04:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And I can’t get myself to go away, oh God, I shouldn’t feel this way...

ironymouse · 2 points · Posted at 13:41:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The lyric is always take the weather with you

banditkeithwork · 2 points · Posted at 20:12:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i was referencing buckaroo banzai

ironymouse · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:41 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cool I'll check it out

[deleted] · 36 points · Posted at 03:17:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was deeper than I was expecting.

BaabyBear · 13 points · Posted at 03:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like Winnie the Pooh deep

SnicklefritzSkad · 13 points · Posted at 03:51:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sir, have never had a dissociative episode or done like psychedelics or something

Philshiffly · 11 points · Posted at 03:45:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But I “was” there.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 03:46:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And now you are here

Philshiffly · 6 points · Posted at 03:48:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And where are you?

karismakannon · 6 points · Posted at 03:52:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

TAHITI

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:19:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I'm neither here nor there.

verbal7 · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m there already. I’m already there.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

verbal7 · 2 points · Posted at 04:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m everywhere

TheKappp · 49 points · Posted at 01:58:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That made me lol and is something I would think.

[deleted] · 30 points · Posted at 02:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like a modern day "I think therefor I am"

ab_heisenberg · 18 points · Posted at 04:14:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car is, therefore I am

TheMrPantsTaco · 20 points · Posted at 03:42:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a moment like that when I was walking behind someone who looked strangely like me and I rhoight, "oh there I am"

CompDuLac · 20 points · Posted at 04:13:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled into my mom's driveway while driving her car "shit she's not home" b/c her car wasn't there.

[deleted] · 40 points · Posted at 03:19:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got insured on my dad's car. There's been a fair few times I've passed the same model and color car in the area very local to my house and flashed the headlights to say hi to my dad... while driving the car I think he's also driving towards me.

goaskalice3 · 17 points · Posted at 04:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think this is the most adorable thing I've heard all day. Just the thought of you mentally listing off all your friends you're excited to see, then thinking, "and also me!"

Luxstrasza · 8 points · Posted at 05:06:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of a comment I saw on reddit once. A girl was studying in the library, looked up and saw someone similar to herself across the room and thought, What am I doing over there?

Gaerdil · 15 points · Posted at 02:35:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LMFAO

LawlessCoffeh · 8 points · Posted at 03:27:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That sounds like a line from an adventure game.

LauraMcCabeMoon · 7 points · Posted at 03:43:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is so sweet and hilarious.

serjsomi · 8 points · Posted at 05:43:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My son surprised me with a visit for mother's day years back. He lives about 1500 miles away. At the time we drove the same model and color car. I come home and see "my" car when I open the garage door. It takes several moments, including me looking down and around my car wondering if I somehow drove someone else's home, before I realized it was my son's car.

P0sitive_Outlook · 15 points · Posted at 03:35:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I just need to jump that fence, beat up those guards and get into the chopper - Yay i did it! - Wait that's not me..."

BerryTrifle13 · 12 points · Posted at 03:23:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me giggle for so long

gwaydms · 6 points · Posted at 05:07:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk how many times I've tried to get into the wrong car. I have a talent for choosing a type/color that is popular in my area (now, a little silver car). Unfortunately, I have no talent for not trying to enter a car that looks similar to mine.

TrueRusher · 5 points · Posted at 05:20:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve never done that, but I have called my sister by my own name once.

I didn’t have any friends (or people I talked to) with my name.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 07:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will be buried, but one time i saw someone who looked just like me walk down the street and i thought "huh, it's me".

It had been a long day.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 03:40:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed way too hard at this. Lmaooooooo

Taraismyname23 · 4 points · Posted at 07:30:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on a train this summer, and the wigwams we were approaching started flashing and lowering. I had a split second of panic where I thought, "Oh no, a train is coming, what are we going to do?" Felt so stupid when it clicked that I was on the train that the wigwams were lowering for.

This is not very similar to your comment, but you made me remember this.

poup_soup_boogie · 3 points · Posted at 03:50:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not wrong tho

WrittenInTheStars · 5 points · Posted at 04:20:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am ROLLING. Thanks for sharing!

shnnrr · 5 points · Posted at 04:44:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one got me to chuckle sensibly

CrimeScenePhene · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t

KingdomOfRyan · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao that’s golden

srslyppls · 1 points · Posted at 06:54:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is adorable. :)

starkrises · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made me lol !

rockiesockies · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That happened to me once.... i forgot to turn off the lights in my classroom and when i got back to work the next morning i just thought "oh look, i am already here"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:17:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this is hilarious.

headphonesaretoobig · 1 points · Posted at 10:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You were right though.

Rolororo · 1 points · Posted at 11:33:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I

screamingmorgasm · 1 points · Posted at 12:37:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wouldn't it be great if you walked into work and you were already there? Other you just looks over, confused.

sef11996 · 1 points · Posted at 14:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at my family's company and sometimes my dad and I will take the work can out to pick something up and then when we get back to the office I'll see his truck in the parking lot and announce that he is at work.

ellewoulds · 1 points · Posted at 14:47:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t stop laughing at “I’m here as well” 😂😂😂

Taiyama · 1 points · Posted at 14:47:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, you weren't wrong.

Waterknight94 · 1 points · Posted at 16:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my roommate was out of a car for a while I let him use one of mine. Well one day he drove down to his parents house and I was going down to mine and decided to stop by his parents house too while I was in the area. Pulled into their driveway and saw my car sitting there and got really confused.

More recently now that my roommate has a car again we went out in his car one night and when we got back I saw my car in my usual parking spot and my first thought was which asshole parked in my spot?

ultitaria · 1 points · Posted at 17:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess it's good you consider yourself a friend

KrypticEon · 1 points · Posted at 21:24:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

puts finger to imaginary earpiece

"I'm in"

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 20:02:17 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think it's funny when the brain makes observations like that. And then it's like "d'oh! that was unnecessary!"

whirlpool4 · 168 points · Posted at 00:55:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

were you still in the parking lot? I imagined this as you were already at full speed on a road and you happened to see a car like yours also at full speed on the road and you tried to go to it haha

Killerhurtz · 44 points · Posted at 01:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pictured the same, but at a red light

bigfrappe · 79 points · Posted at 01:49:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In early high school I drove a 95 Plymouth Voyager. These cars had very few key variations to begin with, and the keys/locks wear down and can be a title fidgety. I walked out of the grocery store one morning, unlocked a blue Voyager and tried to start it. For the life of me I couldn't get the key to turn in the ignition. There was something off about the car, but I couldn't pin it down. I realized that it wasn't my car when I looked out of the window and down the road to see my car, with my distinctive hood ornament.

It is a very odd feeling to unload groceries from a car that is not yours. Lock it with your key. Then walk ten feet to your car and use the same key to open. It and drive away.

[deleted] · 43 points · Posted at 03:49:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was sitting in my car at Walmart waiting for my boyfriend to finish up whatever he was doing, when all of a sudden a strange man popped into my passenger side, sat down and buckled up. Then he looked at me like, “why aren’t we leaving?” when suddenly he noticed he was in the wrong car. We stared at each other for a second, and then, without saying a word, he just unbuckled and popped back out the car.

king_john651 · 10 points · Posted at 04:39:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've almost made a similar mistake. Lady in similar generic grey car as my friend waiting for someone on the road outside of the train station. Almost hopped in if it weren't for the lady eating a banana and my friend doesn't have much of a habit to eat fruit on the go

whatsthepointnoe · 24 points · Posted at 03:56:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove halfway to work in my parents truck once before I realized I didn't have their car key. My Dodge neon key fit their door and started their truck. They had a Chevy. So weird.

ThaneOfCawdorrr · 34 points · Posted at 01:48:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kind of love this whole thing. It's like looking for your glasses while you're wearing them.

CanIEvenRightNow · 26 points · Posted at 01:53:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for an auto manufacturer, and most employees drive this brand's vehicles, resulting in a lot of copies of "my" vehicle in the employee parking lot. One day, after a 10hr shift, I walked to what I thought was my car, opened it up, sat in it, and tried to start it before I realized I recognized nothing on the inside and my seat was way out of position. I have never gotten out of a car faster.

NovelTAcct · 73 points · Posted at 00:46:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What the hell? Most of the other comments here make some sort of sense, at least tangentially....but this?

53grumpyoldmen · 123 points · Posted at 00:53:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This makes sense. You were headed to your car, you get to your car and start driving. See your car again, ‘oh there’s my car I was looking for better to get in’

SirNoName · 119 points · Posted at 01:12:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Compartmentalization is an amazing thing. The “looking for my car” compartment didn’t communicate with the “currently driving my car” compartment and, well, here we are.

Jaimestrange · 55 points · Posted at 01:45:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like using your phone while looking for your phone.

Zatch_Gaspifianaski · 40 points · Posted at 02:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll just use the flashlight on my phone to look under the desk for my phone

snakerjake · 22 points · Posted at 02:16:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or calling someone and asking them to call you so you can find your phone

Balenciallahh · 4 points · Posted at 06:32:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You've done this lol? I would probably just call my phone on my phone to find it.

CrackOfDon88 · 14 points · Posted at 03:55:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude I’ve done this same thing!! I went grocery shopping with my mom, and I went out to the car early. I got in the car, it was already unlocked, and I sat inside that thing for probably 10 minutes. Then I noticed an iphone in the cup holder that didn’t look familiar. I picked it up and looked at it and it was in a completely different language. Then I started looking around and noticing the mistake I made. Got out and walked to my actual car and never looked back 😂

Florrey · 10 points · Posted at 01:49:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like dream logic. Makes sense you were so tired

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 04:09:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife's tried to get into someone else's car twice in the last week. Not sure if developing early onset dementia, or just trying to escape

Bainsyboy · 11 points · Posted at 04:44:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine has a similar story.

Him and his girlfriend were returning to his car in the mall parking lot, and got into (what he thought was his) car.

He got into the driver seat, his girlfriend got into the passenger seat. They chatted for a few seconds before they noticed unfamiliar items in the center console. Confused, they both look into the back seat and see two bewildered and scared looking children in the back seat... They panic and quickly exit the car and walk away to find his actual car, hoping the owner of the car (and the children's parent) didn't see them.

ominousgraycat · 9 points · Posted at 02:07:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember once I was in a parking lot and I was driving my grandparents' white van at that time and for some reason I walked up a white car in the parking lot and started trying to put my key in the lock. I suddenly looked down and realized that this was definitely not my vehicle, and mine was not far away. I was glad no one saw me because it looked absolutely nothing like what I was driving besides being the same color so I couldn't play it off easily if someone caught me.

CatLineMeow · 8 points · Posted at 04:29:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started looking around for my son the other day, who just started crawling, only to realize after a few seconds that I was actually already holding him. Like a high stakes version of not being able to find glasses that are on your head. That's what months and months of sleep deprivation will do to you 😅

KungFuActionJesus5 · 7 points · Posted at 03:50:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time after a basketball game, my friends and I went to get in my dad's car (2004 Honda Pilot), cause he was taking us there and back. For whatever reason, 2004 Pilots don't have an autolock feature when you turn the car off and get out, so we were just able to open the doors and climb in no problem. At first we were just chatting, but after a minute or two we started to realize things were wrong. The upholstery looked more worn than it should have, the padding on the center console was totally flat, and there was a random ass 2x4 also sitting on the center console, which dad absolutely didn't have in his car. After another minute or so we realized that we us 4 or 5 teenage boys had entered a total stranger's vehicle, but said vehicle looked exactly like my dad's from the outside

Jakenhiems · 5 points · Posted at 03:41:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s like looking for your phone when you’re in the middle of a phone call. I love it

haydukee · 5 points · Posted at 03:46:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad has the same thing happen with his 80s Subaru back in the day, unlocked the car, and realized that there were kid toys in the back and that he didn’t actually have kids. Wrong car but the key still worked.

br094 · 5 points · Posted at 03:55:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got in a stranger’s car, which was unlocked, and tried putting my key in it. When I realized it wasn’t even the right vehicle, I saw the guy looking at me from a distance. I jumped out, got in my car, and drove off. He probably thought I robbed him but in reality I’m too ashamed of how stupid that was.

ecodesiac · 8 points · Posted at 01:12:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had many dreams of doing exactly this. Good thing I actually drive fairly unique vehicles.

hunnynotfunny · 4 points · Posted at 02:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im dying at this hahaha

sectrumsempera · 4 points · Posted at 04:26:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just got out of uni for the day, saw 'my car' and hit the unlock button on my keys and pulled the door handle but it didn't open. I think what they hey, next few seconds is me unlocking and pulling the crap out of the handle. I look a bit closer and what do you know, someone is inside staring at me and this is not my car, mine is two spaces away. Whoops.

Pawn315 · 4 points · Posted at 04:26:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to brunch with a buddy to our usual place. We were meeting others, he drove. We go in, we eat, we have a good time. Things were great.

We leave. I get in his car. Sitting there in the passenger side. I had immediately got my phone and started looking at something.

I hear a knock on the window. I look up in confusion. It is my friend. "Dude... That isn't my car."

I look around. It is not his car. It was just the same color and close to the same style. "Oh crap!" I jump out of the car and we leave.

Casual Grand Theft Auto.

LifeWulf · 3 points · Posted at 04:56:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got off work, went to my car, wondered why there was so much crap in it. My friend's car had recently been broken into, so I thought the same had happened to me.

Turns out, no, I'm just an idiot and walked up to a nearly identical car and started freaking out. Only difference between it and mine is my car has a spoiler (and the Doppelgänger probably had more features since mine's the basic-bitch "special edition").

Gaerdil · 3 points · Posted at 02:35:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit lmfao this is amazing

userdmyname · 3 points · Posted at 04:41:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I’ve kind of done this, I walked to the grocery store and on my way back home I saw my truck 80s era truck in the parking lot. so I hopped in and the keys were in the ignition (because they were stuck) so started the vehicle and drove about 5 feet and had a holy-what-the-fuck moment, I realized there was no starter button like my truck had . I put the truck back and grabbed my shit super quick and kept walking.

ReallyLegitToaster · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

TBH when I read that I thought it implied that you just stole a car to get to your car. I guess we're all a little dumb sometimes...

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 2 points · Posted at 05:37:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's ok, your brain was just on autopilot!

psychicfork013 · 2 points · Posted at 04:51:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello Jen!! ...it's Moss..... from work?

JessicaHouseman · 2 points · Posted at 05:05:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've literally tried really hard to open the door to a car that was identical to my car

savethesun · 2 points · Posted at 05:38:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one genuinely made me laugh out loud because I just know this is something I would do.

evanjw90 · 2 points · Posted at 06:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh so hard.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was pulling out of a parking lot and there was a car behind me in the same colour as mine and with a similar shape profile. I thought, "Cool, I can see my whole car in my mirrors!"

IWantToBeAToaster · 2 points · Posted at 16:54:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving my dad somewhere in his car after a surgery. I saw an identical car in a parking lot while parking. I said "Oh cool Dad's already here" to my dad while he was in the same car. Then I stopped the car because I was extremely confused for a second.

mossfoul · 1 points · Posted at 09:26:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time, my friend and his family got into their minivan in a mall parking lot and started driving home. After a short while they realized they were in someone else's vehicle and drove back to the mall, where my friend found another family waiting outside his actual van. Turned out they had identical vehicles (same make/model/year/colour) and even the keys were the same. Would have been funny if you had a similar experience and took this other car home, only to realize what you'd done in the morning and have to go explain to the owner of the other car.

oceanbreze · 1 points · Posted at 16:25:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dropped by my PO Box. Once a week: Park, Pick up mail, Say hello to owner then Get in and drive to chiropractor.

As I slipped into my car I immediately realized "Something was WRONG". The car was too clean, the console was wrong and the seat position was wrong. Wrong Car. This car was the exact same color, make and model as mine sitting right next to mine.... There are so many similar to mine, I regularly scan inside beforehand.

tonicrock · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:19 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sitting in the parking lot of a Getgo, watched a guy get in a black car that was parked to the right of mine. Looked confused, got out, and then into the black car to the left of my car.

LegendOfBobbyTables · 29676 points · Posted at 22:28:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kissed my wife's best friend. It was totally innocent and something we laughed about.

I had to take a bus to work everyday at about 4 am. My wife usually drove me to the stop so that I didn't have to leave my car there for 14 hours.

My wife's friend was staying with us while she looked for a job and house in the area. She was getting up early anyways so she decided she would take me and let my wife sleep. When we got to the stop, I just instinctively leaned over and kissed her goodbye. She had a dumbfounded look on her face, and mine instantly turned red as I realized what I'd done. I just said "sorry, it was a habit."

My wife poked fun at me for days for putting the moves on her friend.

[deleted] · 4258 points · Posted at 00:58:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

One_Who_Walks_Silly · 288 points · Posted at 01:17:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is so wholesome ahaha

[deleted] · 39 points · Posted at 03:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 150 points · Posted at 04:24:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

nube

send nubes plz

superfreakeh · 94 points · Posted at 03:38:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It means something innocent but very nice 😊

silky_porcupine · 23 points · Posted at 07:11:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Aryore · 25 points · Posted at 03:56:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*noob yes

thats1bigv8 · 41 points · Posted at 03:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wholesome here is used to describe something that like was so well done it made you feel good.

pcyr9999 · 29 points · Posted at 04:28:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not to rain on anyone's parade but those are not the definition of wholesome. Wholesome means

conducive to or suggestive of good health and physical well-being

or

conducive to or promoting moral well-being

DaughterEarth · 34 points · Posted at 08:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think that showing love and affection to your friends is conducive to moral well-being, especially between men because for too long that was discouraged.

pcyr9999 · 10 points · Posted at 08:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Agreed, but giving examples is a second rate way to explain something and shouldn't be used in place of an actual definition unless you can't find/come up with one.

DaughterEarth · 8 points · Posted at 09:38:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I see what you mean. Examples aren't definitions, even if the definition applies to them. Carry on, I'm a little dumb this morning

pcyr9999 · 7 points · Posted at 09:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They can for sure be used if you’re not somewhere that you can look up an actual definition and you can’t think of it. They definitely have a time and place that they’re useful, they just shouldn’t be the first step.

DaughterEarth · 2 points · Posted at 09:48:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For sure. I personally am addicted to metaphors. But of course that comes with the issue of interpretation, and meaning can drift. And then words become meaningless and that's not helping anyone!

silly_gaijin · 2 points · Posted at 14:32:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And not to go all pedantic on you, but words pick up different meanings depending on their context and usage within a group. Dictionary definitions rarely tell the whole story of a word. In fact, they never do.

Okay, that was pedantic.

ElphabaPfenix · 157 points · Posted at 01:56:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a similar experience. Best friend with his GF and I went out for some shopping.

Best friend kissed me.

His GF did NOT like me much after that.

[deleted] · 134 points · Posted at 02:50:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You probably shouldn't have turned that innocent kiss into a full on mack session with sloppy, wet, wide mouthed kissing

ElphabaPfenix · 93 points · Posted at 02:53:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It would be hilarious especially considering both best friend and I are dudes.

[deleted] · 60 points · Posted at 03:07:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brojob! Brojob! Brojob!

ElphabaPfenix · 23 points · Posted at 03:13:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay, Lick... Bag...

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 03:51:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) giggity

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 20:18:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BROJOB BROJOB BROJOB!

[deleted] · 74 points · Posted at 02:36:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

ElphabaPfenix · 51 points · Posted at 02:54:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah. The jealousy was enough to end our friendship, unfortunately.

[deleted] · 34 points · Posted at 02:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

ElphabaPfenix · 37 points · Posted at 03:09:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks. I consider a good thing. One less relationship to maintain on someone who don't want me in his life as much as I want them in mine. It's rather freeing. I should send his GF a fruit basket.

SuggestiveDetective · 27 points · Posted at 06:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like she already has one if her boyfriend's kissing dudes. ❤️

CidCrisis · 76 points · Posted at 02:38:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plot twist: They were really just testing the waters to see if you suspected them.

When you responded in good humor, they knew their bromance was safe.

[deleted] · 43 points · Posted at 02:45:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 04:13:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-7hjdC8-jbw

The music started in my head while reading this thread.

RasperrySummer · 3 points · Posted at 09:34:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought it would be this song: https://youtu.be/EJVt8kUAm9Q

TropicalPriest · 120 points · Posted at 04:10:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminded me that, while not by accident, when i sit between my boyfriend and one of his friends my boyfriend will put his arm around me. His friend will always grab his hand and hold it, then my boyfriend, thinking i’m reaching up and holding his hand will lovingly caress his fingers.

He gets him nearly every time.

ToastedSoup · 30 points · Posted at 08:48:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Those are best friends, for sure.

SECRETLY_BEHIND_YOU · 59 points · Posted at 03:17:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And to think his friend went to the movie thinking he was the third wheel.

gumball_wizard · 26 points · Posted at 03:13:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He absent mindlessly put his arm around

I love this phrase, I'm stealing it.

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 05:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it was one of my two best friends, I woulda held his hand. Idagf. I love my buddies. Shit. I'd held my buddy's hand and my wife's.

major84 · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you Indian? because that would make sense. In India guys hold hands, nothing gay about it ..... which would freak the fuck out of guys in north america

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 15:52:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope, close. Indian(a). You hear people say they don't care what people think, but I really don't care. Whatever your opinion is of me, does not affect me.

jabba_the_wut · 11 points · Posted at 02:01:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They took it even further and got married?

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:33:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man I wish!

molten-icecream · 8 points · Posted at 13:23:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me that some day my boyfriend and I were just chilling and a friend of ours had his hand on my boyfriend's thigh, so he just held his hand for a long while, stroking it and so. We were trying not to laugh our asses off and he ended up finding out when he noticed we were red from holding our laughter

Kpt_Kipper · 2 points · Posted at 08:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How ever long it’s been please remind him again

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 14:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We don't talk much anymore, but I'll literally send him a text message about it just for you

Dave5876 · 1 points · Posted at 09:22:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bet he didn't live that one down for a while, lmao

slater124 · 1 points · Posted at 12:36:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's always good when all parties play along and realize the harmless mistake rather than make a huge deal about it.

Erdnuss0 · 1 points · Posted at 13:57:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boyfriend at the time? What happened? Did you marry him?

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 14:41:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Erdnuss0 · 2 points · Posted at 15:19:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh. Hope you moved on well at least. Probably for the best, hope you find better

salsapancake · 1 points · Posted at 17:22:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Absent-mindedly*

Ry-Bread01256 · -125 points · Posted at 02:07:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kept insisting they hold hands and to not let me get in the way of their love.

Shit like that gets annoying though. Make a joke about it a couple of times but some women really know how to run a joke into the ground. It is best to acknowledge it, make a few jokes, then drop it so we can all forget.

[deleted] · 101 points · Posted at 02:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Way to assume I took it too far! I said it maybe once or twice, his friend took it farther than I did as a matter of fact. But you know, us women we just suck at making something funny and light hearted right? It's not like we were all friends and know how to read a situation, no not possible because I'm a stupid woman who takes things too far, right?

orilly · 46 points · Posted at 02:29:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What the fuck are you on about? Sit down.

BitchImaKillYou · 41 points · Posted at 02:15:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m sure they all had a good time

brimds · 63 points · Posted at 02:19:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh fuck off with your sexist bullshit.

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 04:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

DAE women are stupid and not funny amirite?

K4mp3n · 6 points · Posted at 11:26:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It felt really good downvoting this to -100.

Ry-Bread01256 · -17 points · Posted at 13:17:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is pretty pathetic

Eagleassassin3 · 3 points · Posted at 10:08:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Says the guy who gets annoyed by harmless jokes

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 06:29:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gtfo

Noinipo12 · 5630 points · Posted at 00:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Haha! My husband basically did this to his buddy when driving to drill one morning. He reached over, gave his buddy's thigh a squeeze, then paused wondering why my pants were so stiff. Until he realized they weren't my pants and he just touched his friend's upper thigh.

Edit: payed to paused

ThaneOfCawdorrr · 4082 points · Posted at 01:45:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And that stiffness wasn't his thigh

CidCrisis · 375 points · Posted at 02:36:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And then he unzipped his buddy's pants and blew him. Oh, the silly things we do out of habit!

ThaneOfCawdorrr · 74 points · Posted at 03:48:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He wasn't even thinking, and then oh how silly, it just happened!

OCDiesel · 95 points · Posted at 02:40:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Choo choo

pls_coffee · 92 points · Posted at 02:42:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brojoooob

NoiseIsTheCure · 6 points · Posted at 20:20:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love playing pranks on my friends

onedavester · 11 points · Posted at 05:32:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

tuned his meat whistle

coolnjebs998 · 2 points · Posted at 11:35:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[Meaty Wack]

[Both Chuckle]

The_Multi_Gamer · 24 points · Posted at 03:17:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
The_Multi_Gamer · 38 points · Posted at 03:17:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Dappershire · 1 points · Posted at 13:00:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not if the boots were bloused.

PARANOIAH · 14 points · Posted at 03:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thigh of the middle leg.

Velvet-undergrounds · 45 points · Posted at 02:02:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

‘Twas next to his thigh...

Deck the balls, fa la la la la la laa 🎶

Rev1917-2017 · 5 points · Posted at 05:51:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Choo choo

JazzManJasper · 5 points · Posted at 04:22:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my!

relevant_BSOD · 4 points · Posted at 10:40:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Those aren’t pillows!

Akgitgud92 · 3 points · Posted at 12:01:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was his third leg

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 04:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

insecurelee · 2 points · Posted at 09:44:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thats what I was thinking

HoodedPotato · 2 points · Posted at 17:24:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Of course someone had to comment this 😂.

aneomon · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:04 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brojob?

[deleted] · 129 points · Posted at 00:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

trekie4747 · 59 points · Posted at 01:42:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You have to say full homo

RexDraco · 50 points · Posted at 01:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always assert your dominance when mistakeningly doing something homo.

jamener · 50 points · Posted at 02:08:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

With a straight face and a confident voice: "No one in this room is more aroused than me right now."

GTheMan2576783 · 8 points · Posted at 02:39:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Captain Holt?

Qwixotik · 3 points · Posted at 02:42:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just thinking of him saying that line and I’m laughing hysterically.

GTheMan2576783 · 6 points · Posted at 03:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve never been more exhilarated in my life

DistanceMachine · 48 points · Posted at 01:23:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Why was he erect?

Edit: honk honk dik truk arrive

TheGamingGuma · 6 points · Posted at 01:40:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No homo

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 01:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ive done this lol

dusty_douchewater · 14 points · Posted at 04:55:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister's then-boyfriend slapped my ass the first time I met him because he thought my sister was standing next to him instead of me. They're married now, and it never goes unmentioned at family gatherings.

D45_B053 · 10 points · Posted at 02:23:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's not gay if you're underway!

grissomza · 8 points · Posted at 01:45:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably had boots on, it's ok

redlightsaber · 10 points · Posted at 03:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when driving to drill

Noone gonna touch this? Ok

dw565 · 3 points · Posted at 03:31:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What's about that needs to be discussed? It's just NG/Reserve drill

lilcircle · 5 points · Posted at 02:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this is very hooah

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 03:19:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

driving to drill

I bet

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:24:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Vindexus · 3 points · Posted at 02:14:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

payed wondering?

in_the_cage · 3 points · Posted at 02:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Choo choo!

Zap__Dannigan · 2 points · Posted at 05:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've most definitely done the same thing.

major84 · 2 points · Posted at 06:24:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

drill one morning

pants were so stiff

oh ...sometimes the inuendos just write themselves

drewba · 2 points · Posted at 07:27:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
LeOtaku9 · 2 points · Posted at 09:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao this is basically what happened to my best friend. It was an assembly (we're in school) and he was touching this guy's legs and thighs as a joke to annoy him. He was sat in front of the guy so he couldn't actually see him, so when he went for another round, he accidently got the girl next to him. He was so embarrassed and kept apologising, with his excuse being 'I was going for Ben (obvious placeholder name)'. Lucky for us she's a good friend of ours, but i still make fun of him for it every now and then.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 13317 points · Posted at 22:39:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha at least she was understanding?

[deleted] · 6476 points · Posted at 00:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not related to your comment, but I love how you reply to everyone. :)

[deleted] · 5778 points · Posted at 00:43:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Muscle_Mom · 183 points · Posted at 01:00:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

30 Helen Agree.

Cyborg_Huey · 28 points · Posted at 03:39:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goddamn. I clicked “more comments” to post this. Only to find out I had been beaten twice by 2 hours. Good to know that there are still loads of fans out there!

astarkey12 · 3 points · Posted at 12:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

29 Helens agree promptness is important.

toy_boat_toy_boat · 4 points · Posted at 02:48:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
2mice · 3 points · Posted at 03:29:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Umm.. pretty sure only 29 helens agree.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c7FF9uQ7aVo

toy_boat_toy_boat · 2 points · Posted at 16:55:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It wasn't, and then it was... :(

Edit - fuckin Helen Fortier

2mice · 1 points · Posted at 17:16:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldnt find the other vid, but in that same KitH episode later on theres another helens agree scene about forgiveness where they let helen fortier back in the group.

Gawd that show was great

Seinfelds-van · 49 points · Posted at 01:04:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

30 Helen's agree

Pinter_Ranawat · 25 points · Posted at 01:24:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

30 Helens and all the Daves I know.

[deleted] · 43 points · Posted at 01:35:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

CLASSIC Helen

Mattagast · 10 points · Posted at 01:07:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ba dumm tsss

Thor_PR_Rep · 10 points · Posted at 02:07:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

classic Helen

TellsTogo · 7 points · Posted at 02:28:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha. Who's Helen?

Edit; oh. Haha.

AmazingChickenWings · 5 points · Posted at 01:51:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We call it a comment.

Edoggr11 · 5 points · Posted at 02:02:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ItsaHelen thing.

A_Prickly_Cactus · 5 points · Posted at 02:27:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
dres3000 · 5 points · Posted at 01:29:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Underrated comment

ItsRobbyy · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was like, ”what do you me... ohhhhhhhh... you sneaky devil.”

BrendanTheHippy · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My late grandmother was named Helen and this made me smile :)

sherlockismypimp · 0 points · Posted at 02:30:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Badum tssssss

Sirkel_ · 36 points · Posted at 00:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How great would it be if he/she just never replied to you

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 15 points · Posted at 11:29:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She replied

Source: am Helen

wlee1987 · 12 points · Posted at 01:38:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But not you?

AAMDB · 9 points · Posted at 02:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Except to you :’(

Don’t worry. I noticed too.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 7 points · Posted at 11:31:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have to sleep, I’m not a bot.

AAMDB · 3 points · Posted at 16:34:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good bot.

ku-fan · 6 points · Posted at 02:05:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

... and u/ItsaHelen doesn't reply

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 10 points · Posted at 11:31:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was asleep guys! Humans sleep!

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 02:12:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Optimist: Wow they're really thoughtful to reply to every comment. How heartwarming and genuine!

Pessimist: Wow they're really good at farming karma.

[deleted] · -18 points · Posted at 02:19:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

ScaldingTea · 24 points · Posted at 03:04:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Your assumption says more about yourself than about OP.

Seems like she's just being nice and polite by taking the time to read the comments and interact with people, isn't this the whole point of reddit?

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 04:23:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I think it's a girl judging by the username

e: downvoted for saying someone's not a guy, classic reddit

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 9 points · Posted at 11:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am girl, why are you being downvoted?

ScaldingTea · 2 points · Posted at 12:29:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oop, fixed.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 7 points · Posted at 11:30:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually it’s just called making conversation.

Thank you for your contribution to my post, it’s not appreciated.

[deleted] · -4 points · Posted at 11:49:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Reddit_Novice · 7 points · Posted at 01:47:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
🎙️ ItsaHelen · 6 points · Posted at 11:26:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you, I did try. I got about 2 hours an 100 unread notifications in and I had to stop and turn off notifications for reddit.

gadzooks1 · 9 points · Posted at 00:58:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reap those internet points 👏👏

[deleted] · 31 points · Posted at 01:26:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

magkruppe · 16 points · Posted at 02:06:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

90%+ of redditors dont care about karma

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 02:21:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

magkruppe · 22 points · Posted at 02:27:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You have more karma than me. Sooo no fuck you

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 02:41:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

magkruppe · 12 points · Posted at 02:50:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ok i forgive you. Take this upvote

nsfwmodeme · 2 points · Posted at 03:02:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you. I'm already upvoting your comments all around. Only about ten or fifteen so far, but I won't give up. This is my mission now.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 7 points · Posted at 11:33:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was mostly making conversation and part must check all notifications. Then checking all the notifications turned in to I’m a nosey bitch and need all the info

nsfwmodeme · 3 points · Posted at 15:05:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahah! You remind me of my wife, and believe me, this is the best compliment I could give.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5 points · Posted at 15:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awwww that’s so lovely! Thank you.

I hope you and your wife have an amazing Christmas and a wonderful new year of you celebrate either.

nsfwmodeme · 3 points · Posted at 17:03:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! Same wishes for you and your lovely ones!

Luckily it's not as warm (hot) as it usually is here this time of the year, so that helps. We're gonna be with our kids, sisters, moms, etc., so it'll be lovely, as always is.

:-)

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 00:07:14 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you live somewhere hot then?

I live in Scotland so I’m currently lying until 4 blankets lmao

nsfwmodeme · 3 points · Posted at 03:05:11 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I live in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Not veeeeery hot, but summer has just started here. So warmer than I like.

Scotland! One of my two favourite accents is the Scottish one (the other one is geordie). Even if I have to struggle to understand, heheh.

And I'm a big fan of Burnistoun (it's a pity it ended).

Such luck you have. Every picture I see of Scotland is a beauty overdose, so to speak.
I'd love it here. I adore cold climate (I carry it in my blood, methinks, my ancestors are Polish).

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 15:35:19 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Buenos Aires looks amazing from what I’ve seen/ heard of it. Winter has just started here! What are your summer months? Ours at June through August.

Haha I do like a Scottish accent myself tbh. They can be quite hard to understand, even I struggle with my grans accent. Old Scottish Ladies I’ve noticed have extra strong accents.

I don’t think I’ve ever watched it tbh! Still Game was what I watched.

I like the cold, I get headaches and grumpy when I’m too hot lol.

nsfwmodeme · 2 points · Posted at 17:00:25 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Buenos Aires was amazing.

Sadly, it's getting overcrowded and there are plans to "accommodate" one million people more. The city is getting stuffed with buildings, so the sun and natural lighting in homes is turning into a rarer commodity in certain neighbourhoods where that wasn't a concern not long ago.

And I'd like if every dog's owner picked up their poop, but that's a futile wish.

And we have no landscape besides the typical concrete and asphalt. And less green than we should have.

Whatever, all in all, I still like it here because as a big city it has lots of opportunities to study what you want, lots of theatres, music concerts, etc.

Our summer is your winter and vice versa.

Still Game is great too!

Here there are a few of many great Burnistoun sketches:

Oh, almost forgot. One of my favourite bands in Argentina has (had) a song called Crua Chan!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 11:21:40 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s horrible! A lot of cities here are building up instead of out to save space. There’s going to be nowhere for trees and plants and bees!

Those are hilarious! Haha I’ll definitely have a look at that some more

Were they Scottish? They sound Scottish.

nsfwmodeme · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:12 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Here they are building in places that should be reserved to be public, and also up (thus taking out sunlight and sky view from other's). In any case, Buenos Aires is already overcrowded while the rest of this (big) country is sparsely populated, so we're doing things the wrong way here, which is our city custom already.

As for Burnistoun, the one of the voice recognition still makes me laugh even after I watched it dozens of times already. Those are some very clever fellas.

Sumo was a local band, although its singer, Luca Prodan, lived in Italy and the UK (he studied at Gordonstoun!). A friend once sent him a postcard from some place in Argentina (Traslasierra, where I've been a few times), and he just went there, seeing if he could escape his heroin addiction. It went well, he led this band (Sumo), but alcohol got him in the end, so after quite a few borrowed extra years, he left us in 1987 (if I recall correctly).
The song that I sent you the link to implies, of course, a big chunk of love for Sco'land.
The band is a legend here, and in my very young years I watched then live many times.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 17:03:00 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s horrible. Why aren’t they building in other places?

Yea my step mum was sitting when I was watching it, she asked me to send it to her haha. I couldn’t stop laughing at “go back to your own country” and then “oh really, we’re doing that now?”

nsfwmodeme · 1 points · Posted at 18:15:57 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s horrible. Why aren’t they building in other places?

Money. More people living in one place, more taxes you get paid (and some of that money is not always quite well accounted for). And it also means more businesses and contracts to the friends of those in power. Yay... Not.

Yea my step mum was sitting when I was watching it, she asked me to send it to her haha. I couldn’t stop laughing at “go back to your own country” and then “oh really, we’re doing that now?”

That sketch is nothing short of brilliant. And the... er... "epic" ending... Wow.

And somewhere there's one about speed dating that is great too, but with some sad undertone. You might like it.

And your stepmom might also like this one.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, a lot of OPs here give up quickly or don't even bother in the first place. It's nice to have someone take the time for each comment.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attention seekers usually do that. Fuck off

quaybored · 1 points · Posted at 13:48:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks!

sad_boy_ · 1 points · Posted at 15:33:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thousands of people are commenting on this post, what is special about this dude?

OATMEALMAN147 · -2 points · Posted at 02:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Easy karma that way

cmdk · 0 points · Posted at 15:12:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s that sweet sweet karma baby.

Deftly_Flowing · -1 points · Posted at 02:52:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you as a person.

adudeguyman · -4 points · Posted at 03:10:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a great way to get a lot of karma if your post makes the front page. Plus it's fun

FatherFastFingers · -4 points · Posted at 03:39:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why? They're just out to get that free carma

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Carma...

pk_deluxe · 49 points · Posted at 01:42:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I would watch tv with my head resting on my mom's leg. I did the same thing and rested my head on the babysitter's leg one night...as a kid I was mortified.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 9 points · Posted at 11:34:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s so cute! How did they react?

pk_deluxe · 2 points · Posted at 21:48:33 on December 31, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha. 9 days later...she chuckled, I died.

WesleySnopes · 202 points · Posted at 00:57:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It really wasn't that weird after the previous night's threesome.

tooniceforthis · 16 points · Posted at 02:22:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I‘m a Helen too! Hi Helen :)

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 9 points · Posted at 11:34:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi Helen! We should form a cult

tooniceforthis · 6 points · Posted at 12:19:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I‘m in!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 4 points · Posted at 12:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Perfect! To round up the Helens, I’ll get working on our secret lair.

-Anyar- · 3 points · Posted at 13:43:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi, I'm Hillen!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 4 points · Posted at 13:50:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi Hillen!

Close enough! Come on in! We’re an inclusive cult.

-Anyar- · 3 points · Posted at 14:48:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks, I was just kidding though, I'm actually Alexander. The Fifth.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 15:53:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My nephew is an Alexander! And my partner! Maybe you can form your own little cult

tooniceforthis · 2 points · Posted at 20:49:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That‘s cool we‘ll be the Helens & Alexanders

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:26:22 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes good idea! The Alexelens The Helexanders

tooniceforthis · 2 points · Posted at 20:50:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And then the world domination may commence!

baby_fart · 23 points · Posted at 04:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She wasn't so understanding the next day when he accidentally leaned over and had sex with her friend.

The_Goose_II · 11 points · Posted at 03:09:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This. My wife would have divorced me in an hour.

hitlerosexual · 15 points · Posted at 10:29:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your wife has major jealousy issues if she couldn't forgive you for a simple mistake.

The_Goose_II · 5 points · Posted at 16:32:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 06:24:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You seem like such a cool person!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5 points · Posted at 12:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww thank you! You seem like a lovely person! Everyone’s been so wholesome on this thread, I love it, thank you all for brightening up my night/day.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 20:05:41 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm glad we can make you happy!

nino-1 · 5 points · Posted at 01:55:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you related to Ken M.?

broken_neck_broken · 11 points · Posted at 01:46:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As Chris Rock said, when guys see their friend in a happy relationship they think "I gotta get someone like her!", when girls see their friend in a happy relationship they think "I gotta get him!"

angelsandairwaves93 · 2 points · Posted at 02:12:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup. Otherwise he wouldn't have been alive to tell the tale.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And hot?

Lopsterbliss · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, random question, did you come from that Tumblr thread where someone suggested making an askReddit thread for autoplay?

DIVINExGXD · 14 points · Posted at 03:36:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably not, this question gets asked every couple months

I don't mind it though cause there's always new stories

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5 points · Posted at 12:45:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Autopilot? Yea that was me! I’m scared AskReddit so asked someone else to do it but then someone convinced me to woman up.

[deleted] · 1357 points · Posted at 00:57:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man something similar happened to me.

Me, my SO and his brother were all chillen one night. His bro was on the big couch and SO was on the love seat and I was laying on the floor. I went outside to grabs beers and have a smoke, which I honestly didn’t think it took that long.

I came back inside and kissed the top of my bro in laws head. And all he said was “OKAY SYDVICIOUZ.”

I recoiled in fear because that was not my SOs voice. We laughed so hard it hurt. It threw me off so bad. Apparently, bro in law got up to pee while I was outside, and my SO stole the big couch.

The tops of their heads looked the same man! They have different haircuts now though.

bobs_monkey · 122 points · Posted at 03:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 20-21, I dated a girl who had the EXACT same figure as her sister and Mom. I'm talking body shape, hair color, height, everything. One night she invited me over around 9pm or so, house was dark except the TV in the living room. I walked in to give her a kiss only to get 4 inches away and realize it was her sister. She shrieked, I jumped and had a mini heart attack, luckily everyone was cool about it.

Another time I was over at a family gathering, I went to go grab her from behind, only to get close and realize it was her mom. Her dad looked like he was going to kill me. After that I got really good at recognizing their scents, which is kinda weird as I type that out. Fun family though.

[deleted] · 53 points · Posted at 04:08:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once my coworker's shift was over and he was getting ready to leave. We said, "Ok bye, see you tomorrow" and took a step towards each other like you do when you're about to embrace. Then we stopped in our tracks, took a step backwards, and we both turned around and walked in opposite directions lol.

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 05:25:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly, I feel like I would rather be on the receiving end of these types of shenanigans. Like, yeah, it’s awkward at first for everyone. But then I get to make fun of you until you die.

dex248 · 12 points · Posted at 05:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man. Years ago I was at my college GF’s house late at night. She was lying on the living room floor watching TV while I was doing homework in the kitchen. After a while I went into the living room and laid down next to her, cuddled and grabbed her boob. Well guess what. It was her sister, and I woke her up! She said, what are you doing? I just stammered and said oops... I thought you were Stacey.... and she says yeah but what did you do? I’m like, uh, nothing? We never spoke of it again.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 11:38:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How embarrassing! I couldn’t have lived through that honestly. I’d like well, guess I’m never dating again.

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 06:16:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar thing happened to me, my husband, his brother, and brother’s wife one Christmas. Wife and I are both short brunettes with long hair.

My husband comes up and puts his arms around brother’s wife thinking it’s me. Brother picks on him all night about it. Then absentmindedly did same thing to me in the kitchen later that night. The whole family lost it.

Also

My husband and his brother look a lot alike so it use to confuse my kids when they were toddlers. They’d go running up to their uncle and then get a look of confused horror when he picked them up and they realized it wasn’t daddy.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 06:43:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The different voice is a game changer.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5 points · Posted at 11:41:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The look of horror at their uncle picking them up instead of their daddy is hilarious to me. I was terrified of my mums brother when I was little (no reason just had a fear of strange men in general) so if he’d picked me up instead of my dad I think I might have cried lmao

userdmyname · 14 points · Posted at 05:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol my bros gf grabbed my ass one day mistaking me for him, I gave out a bit of a yelp because I was like 18 and hadn’t really had a gf so ass grabs were weird to me. funny thing is she hated me sooooo much and was super uptight about everything, especially my presence. Every body thought it was funny as fuck because my family has a good sense of humour. She left with my brother and I didn’t talk to him for a long time till he left that bitch.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 11:48:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did she not even apologise?

When I was in school, my then BIL who was the same age as me was doing this thing with his guy friend where they would grab each other’s asses. So one day we were all in PE and I happened to be wearing a white hoodie the same as the guy friend and when I bent down to pick up a bib, my ass got grabbed and I immediately stood up straight and realised who it was and went “RYAN!” He was so shocked and apologetic bless him. Right in from of our whole school year, got shit for that for about a week.

userdmyname · 3 points · Posted at 16:59:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No apologies from her, like I said she hated me sooo much. Plus my entire extended family had a laugh at her expense. She didn’t like most of us to begin with and that situation didn’t help. She was a different cat I’ll tell you

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 4 points · Posted at 17:01:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well fuck her then. I’m glad she’s gone from yours and your brothers lives.

userdmyname · 3 points · Posted at 21:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So are we!

TropicalPriest · 7 points · Posted at 04:11:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The work around for this is to always kiss the top of everyones head so this can never happen again

[deleted] · 41 points · Posted at 03:08:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Lion_Lionel · 50 points · Posted at 03:38:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Next time your wife kisses you tell her "you kiss like your mom :)"

MindfuckRocketship · 18 points · Posted at 03:52:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol. I’ll let you know what she says.

Fuzelop · 28 points · Posted at 05:23:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think this is going to end well

MindfuckRocketship · 17 points · Posted at 07:52:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She said, “That’s weird. Okay, creep.” And then she resumed browsing Reddit. Anticlimactic result.

Fuzelop · 2 points · Posted at 21:57:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn I was hoping this would result into a r/relationship_advice post

IsaacM42 · 4 points · Posted at 04:28:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let me know too thanks

drtweety · 23 points · Posted at 03:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've seen that porn

gamesbeawesome · 7 points · Posted at 03:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We all have.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 05:32:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived it.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 05:33:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, not the same. But hey good for you bud.

TVisZ · 89 points · Posted at 01:26:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends told me that they did that. Mate #1 was dropping off mate #2 and because #1 always drops off his girlfriend and mate #2 always gets dropped off by his girlfriend, the both leaned toward each other before stopping and realising what happened.

DeemDNB · 17 points · Posted at 09:57:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They laughed.
Then they paused.
Then they looked at each other.
Then they laughed again.
Then they looked at each other.
Then they fucked.

CrunchyHamster · 58 points · Posted at 01:04:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is quite understandable to me.

I have had to stop myself from doing this - as in had to physically halt myself in the process of leaning over to give the person dropping me off a kiss goodbye.

It happened quite a few times before I was able to get rid of the habit, but while I did, it didn’t matter if the driver was male or female, my body went into autopilot with a thank you kiss...

jack-jackattack · 146 points · Posted at 01:22:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once my hubby went to slap my butt without really paying attention and smacked my mom's instead.

[deleted] · 55 points · Posted at 02:22:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus... I was going to say that I slapped my wife's sister's ass because they look really similar from behind, but there's no way I can compete with slapping your MIL's ass.

Plasmodicum · 63 points · Posted at 01:54:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The perfect excuse... ;-)

tummybobby · 19 points · Posted at 02:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG

LeoKhenir · 2 points · Posted at 11:43:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at the ticket counter at a amusement park. Along with my then GF and another lady. I smacked my GF's ass playingly.

I assume you guys understand the rest of this story given the context.

Ghlhr4444 · 7 points · Posted at 02:21:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Noice

[deleted] · -5 points · Posted at 02:53:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But was it toight?

The toightness of the action is inversely proportionate to the flabbiness and droopiness of said ass.

gunswordfist · 41 points · Posted at 02:08:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heh, reminds me how I used to kiss my great grandmother's church friends on the cheek and one day I auto kissed one of their daughters (around my age). She was like, "I didn't know we were giving out sugar" or something like that and I walked off embarrassed, especially since I did it in front of her mother and my great grandma.

[deleted] · 28 points · Posted at 02:56:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Missed opportunity my bro

gunswordfist · 21 points · Posted at 03:26:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tell me about it. I still have a crush on her.

CoachKC · 10 points · Posted at 04:40:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go on

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 07:59:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To elaborate, I still have a crush on her.

gunswordfist · 6 points · Posted at 08:50:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol, pretty much

gunswordfist · 1 points · Posted at 21:12:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She's at least 6 foot 3 and I haven't seen her in about a year. The End.

Lemminger · 1 points · Posted at 22:48:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's not like she is hard to spot though.

gunswordfist · 2 points · Posted at 23:06:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Doesn't stop her from hiding behind my bushes

BootyBec · 30 points · Posted at 01:45:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister and I both have red hair and dress the same and my husband has put his arm around her, grabbed her butt and nearly kissed her cheek. It’s always amusing! We give him a bad time about it.

CuteThingsAndLove · 29 points · Posted at 02:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same to my best friends mom when she drove me to school instead of my mom. I always kissed her on the cheek to say bye before I left the car. Then my friends mom drove us and I kissed her cheek.

She said "Well I'm not your mom but thanks for the kiss!" So rude lol

Codemancer · 24 points · Posted at 02:20:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad met one of his best friends because his friend's wife hugged him from behind and gave him a kiss. From behind they both looked identical so she had no idea. They ended up laughing it off and then they all grabbed a drink and became pretty good friends.

BrunetteMoment · 22 points · Posted at 03:08:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kissed my gay best friend when he arrived at my house one day, because it was habit to kiss my boyfriend hello. What made it funny was that I didn't realize it until hours later. All of a sudden I was like "Wait! Did I kiss you?" And he was like "Yeah... it was weird, but I you acted like it was normal, so I just rolled with it."

Zorbane · 20 points · Posted at 01:24:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost did similar thing recently. I was driving my girlfriend and our friend somewhere, and since I picked her up from work my friend was in the front seat. While talking to her while driving I almost put my hand on my friend's lap

fishwhispers17 · 19 points · Posted at 01:46:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When we were dating, my then-fiancé hugged my older sister goodbye and automatically leaned down to kiss her, because that’s what he was used to doing with me. He caught himself before she noticed.

Yerren · 19 points · Posted at 00:32:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Story aside, I love the username!

i_am_ghost7 · 6 points · Posted at 02:22:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
pastelgoth_jpg · 17 points · Posted at 01:25:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not on autopilot but I wrapped my arms around and snuggled into my boyfriend while super drunk. Looked up. Not my boyfriend but my friends’ “Hi Ben!”

Nillabeans · 17 points · Posted at 01:26:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost did something similar. I like to always be the tallest person on an escalator, so usually I wind up turning around to talk to whoever I'm with. Well, I'd been doing a lot of shopping with my boyfriend at the time for Christmas and there were plenty of escalator smooches.

Cue me and my buddy doing some shopping and I go on the escalator first and turn around and almost instantly try to kiss him. I don't think he noticed because I caught myself. It was almost hella awkward though.

Ry-Bread01256 · 22 points · Posted at 02:46:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to always be the tallest person on an escalator

Wut...

LampLanguage · 3 points · Posted at 03:40:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

he likes to go first, which on an escalator makes you the tallest.

rubyjuicebox · 3 points · Posted at 04:02:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or last if you’re going down...

downtherabbithole_x · 9 points · Posted at 02:29:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be so used to calling out "love you" from when my mum dropped me off at school that, out of habit, I have once called out the same thing exiting a taxi... Fully sober

malasalas · 9 points · Posted at 03:48:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing when I grabbed my gf’s sister’s boob. I freaked out the most. They both thought it was so funny they told their parents and they thought it was funny. All I could think was, “they now know I grab her boobs so often that I did it on autopilot to their other daughter”

MoreSore · 8 points · Posted at 01:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“For days”

Buddy she will poke fun at you for years for that one hahah

thatwaffleskid · 9 points · Posted at 02:44:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done something similar, but probably not as embarrassing. Years ago my sister-in-law was staying at our place, and earlier that evening we were all hanging out and drinking. Later that night, after we'd all gone to bed, I woke up and had to use the bathroom. So, still drunk and half asleep, I do my business and leave the bathroom. Now, my sister-in-law was on an air mattress in our living room, and I had a habit of sometimes crashing on the couch in similar situations because drunk & tired me didn't want to walk the extra few steps back to the bedroom. However, her mattress was right in front of the couch on this occasion.

So, I ended up crawling in bed with my sister-in-law. Thankfully I had my back turned to her and immediately stole all the covers which woke her up and got me kicked out of the bed. I hadn't realized what I'd done until I was rolling off the mattress and making a beeline for the bedroom. I'm still embarrassed about it but I don't think she remembers.

SanDanders1 · 7 points · Posted at 02:17:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
TiAg-e82 · 7 points · Posted at 03:31:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha this story just reminded on one time I went to the club with my girlfriend at the time and I see my Ex at the bar staring daggers at me. I mention it to her when we walked away and she asked me to point her out but the Ex wasn't there anymore. Club closed at 4 am and I was pretty tipsy at this point we walked out the exit and my ex was about 20 feet ahead of us I put my right arm around my Gf and leaned in her ear and said thats her in front of us and she replies she and says "what?". I turned to say you asked me to point her out but when I turned I noticed I was hugging on a stranger and my gf was on my left.... She was sooooo pissed she thought the girl I was hugging on was my ex.

Damn you random drunk girl at the club why would you let a stranger put his arm on you like that for 30 seconds without saying anything'

DomesticChaos · 8 points · Posted at 03:43:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my son was four, he was in early kindergarten. He has autism, but its not terrible, he did two years of kindergarten to kind of get him in the swing of operating with a teacher, an aide, other kids around, etc without having to be set back age wise once he got in to school. Anyway! One of the first days of school I went to pick him up, and his aide bent over to tell him something in his ear, and he reflexively kissed her on the cheek. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen, and he never did it again.

talkingradiohead · 6 points · Posted at 02:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband and his friend are both very tall. About 6'4. They have similar builds as well. I was walking and I saw a tall figure out of the corner of my eye and reached back and tapped him on the butt. It was his friend. So embarrassing.

Studball · 5 points · Posted at 03:38:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend and I make fart sounds with our mouths at each other a lot. When I went to my friends house I went to leave the room for a second and made one of these fart noises. I stopped looked at her confused face and laughed while explaining it to her

ezrasharpe · 11 points · Posted at 01:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice backup story

Randomd0g · 12 points · Posted at 00:59:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Considering that the other options are 'divorce' or 'threesome' that's about the most boring way this story could have ended.

thattaekwondogirl · 5 points · Posted at 03:35:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost kissed my friend because my boyfriend usually gave me a ride home from class but was busy that day, so my friend took me home instead and I turned and started to lean toward him, realized what I was doing, then kind of stared at him while awkwardly leaned to the driver's side and said "Oh, uh, thanks for the ride. Goodnight."

I've also told my boyfriend's brother "good morning, my love", since their voices sound really similar and he was walking past behind me in the kitchen and said good morning.

Silk_Underwear · 4 points · Posted at 04:03:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said to my boss "Thanks, bye. Love you" when I got off the phone with him. Very awkward but never brought it up again and we pretended it didn't happen.

redls1bird · 3 points · Posted at 04:46:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grabbed my friends ass at a restaurant. Long story short, we were in line with my wife next to me. I looked away for some reason, but decided to give my wife a little "I love you" pat and squeeze. I've grabbed this ass for well over a decade, I instantly knew something was wrong, then I heard, "Wrong ass." I still havent lived it down, and before anyone asks, yes it was another woman's ass.

TheGreatScrubini · 3 points · Posted at 03:17:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was it on the lips?

aloeverahh · 3 points · Posted at 03:25:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank god I think before I speak, because I spend so much time around my partner and calling her "Babe" that i've gained the habit to address anybody by "babe" as well. But before I do, I catch myself and realise that i'm talking to a coworker or superior.

One of these days though.. I'm confident it will happen

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 04:00:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha one of my coworkers did something similar. Our department works very closely with the OR and nurses from the theatres would call us during their cases for things they need. My coworker (rip- cancer sucks) finished his call by saying “alright, bye love you,” because that’s what he always would say to his wife. The nurse called and right back laughing her butt off. Thankfully she didn’t take it the wrong way.

TrueRusher · 3 points · Posted at 05:24:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve almost done this. I almost tried to kiss my best friend when I dropped him off because usually the person I’m dropping off is my boyfriend.

I caught myself before it became apparent what I was instinctively doing though.

I’ve also tried to hold hands with my friends while driving because that’s what I do with my boyfriend and he’s usually the one I drive with.

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 3 points · Posted at 05:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I (female) used to carpool with my male boss. It was his car so he drove. One day he had to make an emergency stop, and he automatically threw his right arm out to keep me from hitting the dash. He totally (innocently) copped a feel. He is kind of prudish (and also I'm sure he was thinking he was my male boss and those were my female boobies), so he was instantly embarrassed. So I said to him, "Thanks for trying to save me!"' to break the ice. We laughed our asses off and it was all good.

rklolson · 3 points · Posted at 06:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This basically happened to me. But it was my friend thinking I was his wife.

I am also a heterosexual man.

NoMoreP0rn4Me · 3 points · Posted at 10:26:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this, well actually her best friend and I both did it. We went to her and her husband's house for dinner (disgusting) and drinks (much better). We weren't even drunk, just looser than normal. I've always kissed my wife's best friend on the cheek for hello and goodbye. So when we went to leave I put my hand on her waist which I don't usually do and went in to kiss her. She turned and my kiss on the cheek turned into a kiss on the lips. We both mindlessly opened our mouths and closed our eyes and we French kissed for about 5 to 10 seconds. We suddenly realized what we were doing and stopped suddenly, embarrassed. Our spouses were shocked and neither believed that it was an accident. They both accused us of having an affair, which we weren't.

Later that night, my wife was still suspicious so I told her, as husbands do, that I wasn't attracted to her at all and that she wasn't my type.

A couple of years later I'd forgotten all about that and my wife and I were discussing possibly bringing another woman into the bedroom and she suggested maybe her friend. I agreed enthusiastically, too enthusiastically as it turns out, and my wife yelled, "I knew it!" That screwed that up forever.

jazzchord · 3 points · Posted at 15:16:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've got a similar one. My gf, one of her best friends (also mine) and I were watching a horror movie. After that, the friend was scared, so she said we all could sleep in the same bed. The bed was big enough and we were having fun, so we said yes.

I was sleeping between them. I was almost falling asleep and hugged my gf and kissed her in the arm... Except she was not my gf, she was my friend. She acted as if nothing happened. Of course I told my gf and she laughed

impressivepineapple · 3 points · Posted at 15:43:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time, I was sharing a bed in a hotel with my sister. She was like “it’s time to get up” and I, apparently, decided to roll over, kiss her on the cheek, and then go back to sleep. I guess I probably do this to my boyfriend a lot without realizing it!

pedantic_dullard · 3 points · Posted at 16:06:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been married for 11 years. When my wife and I drove somewhere I put my hand on her thigh, have done so since we were dating.

One day I was driving my friend somewhere and I just put my hand on her leg. We're been friends for twenty something years, and she looked at me and started laughing. I realized what I'd done, moved my hand, and apologized.

My wife thought it was hilarious.

garrett7621 · 4 points · Posted at 03:37:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My last relationship ended for a similarly related situation... I was at my best friends house supporting her after she discovered her bf cheated on her. We had been best friends for over 5 years. After the initial sad talks when we had been joking around for a bit an old joke about kissing was mentioned and it was harmless. Except, instead of the years of it being just a joke my best friend followed through with it and kissed me.

My girlfriend of a few months, but had known for a couple years, heard from her her sister who happened to be dating by best friend's brother's roommate who overheard my best friend talking to her brother about the kiss. All within less than a day....

I was single the next day...

yParticle · 3 points · Posted at 00:59:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure it was comforting to know she was so easily replaced.

morebounce2daounce · 2 points · Posted at 01:42:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would be so embaressed

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:53:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so worried I'm going to do this with male friends because I'm so used to hug and kiss.

midnightsamurai1 · 2 points · Posted at 02:21:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BobbyTables did an oopsie

erm4gundr · 2 points · Posted at 02:36:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This whole comment section just keeps getting more wholesome

ohThisUsername · 2 points · Posted at 04:35:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar thing happened to me. Gave a little squeeze to my girlfriends ass as she stood up from sitting beside me. Then I realized my girlfriend was still sitting down. Both women were shocked, but eventually we all laughed about it once they realized it was unintentional.

dex248 · 2 points · Posted at 05:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my ten yo daughter greets me she gives me a hug and I kiss the top of her head.

Well one day I see a woman I’m friendly with at the office. We hadn’t seen each other for a while, so she gives me a hug... then I kiss her on the top of her head. I immediately realized my mistake and was horrified. Thank god she just acted as if nothing happened.

owlnighter · 2 points · Posted at 05:34:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar to a stranger, which just mortified me. There's a part in catholic mass where you make the "peace be with you" gesture to those next to you. I usually sit at the end of the pew with my fiancé and just give him a quick kiss, then shake the hand of the person in front of me. But this time I was dead center, kissed him, then turned to kiss the person next to me. They rolled with it, but I died a little inside.

gregarious-loner · 2 points · Posted at 08:35:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother in law did this to me! We had all had a few drinks and he fell asleep in a chair. I tried to wake him to send him back to his cabin and he reached up, grabbed my face and kissed me.
The next morning he did not find it as amusing as the rest of us did.

Jaricho · 2 points · Posted at 09:54:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Serious question: how do you enjoy life when you are away for work for more then 14 hours a day? Thats time left to eat and sleep...

EvaCarlisle · 2 points · Posted at 11:37:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man I can't fucking imagine having to catch a bus at 4 in the morning every day.

throawaytranspass · 2 points · Posted at 11:39:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, I did this but with a woman I dated for like a couple months. Let’s call her M. We split up amicably and remained good friends. About two years after we were dating, we both had new girlfriends, and a mutual friend was visiting from out of town and decided to have a picnic. I showed up, not having seen M for a while, and she stood up to give me a hug. I kissed her on the lips in front of everyone, and she had this horrified look of confusion on her face. Priceless.

jlai928 · 2 points · Posted at 13:22:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar thing, I'd hold my gfs hand and out of habit grabbed my mum's.. So awkward.

caffeinated_wizard · 2 points · Posted at 15:41:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my friends “babe“ so many times while on autopilot.

I said “yes mom” to my boss while arguing with her.

electroleum · 2 points · Posted at 16:24:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, I guess the upside is that you learned you don't have a psycho jealous wife...you have a good one.

kharmatika · 2 points · Posted at 17:25:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s great you have such a healthy relationship with your wife. Lotta couples that would have been less a funny story and more a “divorced redditors, what happened?” Story

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:12:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your wife sounds fun! You should wife he- oh wait

namekianstretchmarks · 2 points · Posted at 03:27:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Suuuuuuuuuuure

Jilltro · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s hilarious, I’m glad your wife had a sense of humor about it. I was out with my best friend and her husband watching a pride once and my friend forgot which one of us was standing on which side of her and she reached over and gently caressed my hand and then took it, thinking I was her husband. We made fun of her all day for falling prey to the gay agenda.

beverlymarsh- · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, I feel like I’ve heard this story before

ciknay · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a fear that I'd I ever share a bed with someone who isn't my SO that I'll snuggle them in the middle of the night. Itd get real awkward if it was a dude

_lowkeyamazing_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was it a good one tho?

livefreeofdie · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How was the kiss?

This is safe space you can tell us.

TheBestHuman · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Habit? Or testing the waters? 😉😉😉

onedavester · 1 points · Posted at 05:32:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

how was the sex?

Nesano · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Adorable. She didn't blush?

CareerQthrowaway27 · 1 points · Posted at 09:21:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am European so this is totally normal for me

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:28:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I gently pinched a friends arm when I thought they were my girlfriend in an elevator.

XxFuzzyTurdxX · 1 points · Posted at 13:06:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm happy your wife was understanding hahaha

Looking4sumD · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife cheated on me with my best friend...

BFirebird101 · 3 points · Posted at 03:49:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish that didn’t happen to you but on the bright side, at least now you know vs growing old with someone who isn’t loyal to you.

talminator101 · 1 points · Posted at 11:19:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I know exactly what you mean, weird when habits with your loved one accidentally get triggered with other people.

I once accidentally kissed, then had sex with and impregnated my wife's friend. We moved in together and raised our child for 15 years before I realised my mix-up, boy did I feel like a ninny. My wife still laughs at me about it

SackOfPotatoesBoi · -1 points · Posted at 02:51:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And this, my friends, is a healthy relationship. "Haha, dumbass," Not, "How could you? I bet you want to fuck her!"

boyvsfood2 · 24160 points · Posted at 22:11:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working the backline at an Arby's WAY back in the day. We used to get our sub buns footlong, but all the subs we sold were 6 inch. I literally reached into the bag, grabbed a sub roll, cut it in half, and then put the knife back in the bag and tried to cut another sandwich with the sub bun. My manager saw it and DIED.

LawyerSloth · 4415 points · Posted at 23:09:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed so hard at this Thank you

[deleted] · 2979 points · Posted at 00:25:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't stop laughing at the image of vacant confusion on someone's face as they try and work out why the sandwich isn't working.

ChampionOfTheSunAhhh · 94 points · Posted at 00:38:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would've doubled down and made the sub roll into a makeshift knife and acted like I totally meant to do that

obsessedcrf · 62 points · Posted at 01:50:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am sure the Japanese guy on youtube could make a knife out of it

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 04:15:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What's that guy up to nowadays?

Kintrai · 20 points · Posted at 04:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He made a knife out of milk recently.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:47:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whoa. You sure it wasn't technically cheese?

RobotrockyIV · 8 points · Posted at 12:15:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After all, cheese is just a loaf of milk.

Kintrai · 6 points · Posted at 15:11:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not cheese. But he did solidify the milk first using some chemicals and baking it.

P0sitive_Outlook · 12 points · Posted at 02:54:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried screwing the cup back onto a bottle of OJ having not yet poured any out. The cup. The hell was i thinking?!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:02:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you didn't try and pour a cup-full into the lid.

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 13:42:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating Pringles in between, so i'm just glad i didn't pour the OJ into there!

notnickyc · 11 points · Posted at 01:56:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just made it even funnier. Thanks for that

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 09:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad I could help!

happysri · 3 points · Posted at 09:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:) I don’t get the term “vacant confusion”. I understand from context but it doesn’t seem to make sense as a word.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:17:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's the look you get on your face when you're half asleep and trying to work out why something isn't working.

monotypical · 2 points · Posted at 10:55:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You need to use a serrated sub

-neat-USERNAME- · 2 points · Posted at 02:34:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Legit same!

popsicle_of_meat · 155 points · Posted at 00:43:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you used a bread knife.

OneCoolStory · 25 points · Posted at 01:42:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clever.

guninmouth · 15 points · Posted at 05:18:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cleaver

ShadowCory1101 · 5 points · Posted at 08:35:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Girl.

geneullerysmith · 230 points · Posted at 00:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Aww man, you mentioning those sub buns reminds me of the Italian sub that I used to get at Arby’s. It was sooooo good. I don’t normally get weird about fast food or anything but I’ve tried and failed many times to recreate the glory of that sammich.

boyvsfood2 · 134 points · Posted at 00:12:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was that red wine vinaigrette bro. Stuff was liquid gold.

Ghee_Guys · 27 points · Posted at 00:22:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That thing was so good and tangy

geneullerysmith · 47 points · Posted at 00:55:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Welp, now it looks like I’ll be spending Christmas fucking with vinaigrette and trying to make that beautiful sandwich.

“Dad, can I open my Christmas presents yet?” “Not now! I’m getting so close!”

bugme143 · 5 points · Posted at 04:01:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Co-worker at a gas station / sub/pizza combo clued me into putting that on my Caesar wrap. Instantly turned a 5/10 wrap into a 9/10 wrap.

LumbermanSVO · 12 points · Posted at 02:35:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The subs at Arby's were really good. When I was broke in my early 20's the 2 subs for $5 got me through a LOT of days.

coredumperror · 16 points · Posted at 00:43:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same for me, but with Jack in the Box's Ciabatta Burger. That thing was fucking divine, and I was devastated when they took it off the menu.

geneullerysmith · 6 points · Posted at 00:57:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel your pain. Stay strong, comrade.

monkey_trumpets · 3 points · Posted at 01:32:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I looked it up and found the ingredients (which you probably had done yourself already but in case you hadn't) and they are as follow: PEPPERONI GENOA SALAMI SWISS BANANA PEPPER PIT SMOKED HAM VINAIGRETTE RED ONION TOMATOES LETTUCE GARLIC AIOLI SUB ROLL

geneullerysmith · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:23 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! I think the buns that I’ve used never quite lived up to my memory. I’ve always used white onion. Reading that red is listed is s surprise.

monkey_trumpets · 2 points · Posted at 05:11:06 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just looked up Arby's Italian Sub. Apparently they still make it?

geneullerysmith · 1 points · Posted at 23:00:56 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whaaa??! This is interesting. I wonder if the franchises near me don’t offer the whole menu? Or perhaps this item was revived after having been dropped. All I know for sure is that I’ll be making a visit to Arby’s for the first time in a looong time.

monkey_trumpets · 2 points · Posted at 00:04:25 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish you godspeed in your sandwich endeavors.

jivedinmypants · 2 points · Posted at 18:55:27 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

It depends on the franchise. The one I used to work at got rid of it ages ago because the supplier we used no longer carried the salami and pepperoni we used in the quantity we wanted/needed.

geneullerysmith · 1 points · Posted at 23:23:08 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

That makes sense. I remember when I was young — at my first job— the Burger King I worked at had a tough time finding a bakery that would produce the needed buns. For a couple weeks the manager would shuttle flats of buns from other locations back to our location so we could keep making whoppers while they got another bakery lined up.

LeaAnne94 · -2 points · Posted at 02:32:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit, someone actually goes to Arbys?

geneullerysmith · 14 points · Posted at 03:09:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled into the Arby’s near my new apartment about 9 years ago. They seemed surprised. That’s when I learned I had moved to a non-Arby’s-going town. It was sad. I grew up in a town where Arby’s was a hangout. Arby’s allowed smoking back at that time AND they had those dope curly fries.

anothername787 · 4 points · Posted at 03:43:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Arby's is bomb, dude.

[deleted] · 68 points · Posted at 00:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, I’m sorry to hear that. Is your old managers family alright?

WillFord27 · 8 points · Posted at 07:46:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To shreds, you say?

Dinanana · 25 points · Posted at 01:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at Olive Garden back in the day I kinda felt bad for this one girl who got flustered really easily whenever she got super busy. If you've been to OG, you know you get soup or salad with everything. I saw her more than once put soup into the liner plate that goes under the bowl that holds the soup. She was a shit show under pressure.

Bonus story, she was told by a mechanic that she needed to change her transmission fluid... so she bought transmission fluid and proceeded to just dump it into her gas tank. I've got other stories about her, but that one took the cake.

CoffeeCrazedChemist · 10 points · Posted at 04:24:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You found a Kevina in the wild

Dinanana · 7 points · Posted at 04:41:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It also took her a half hour to realize why I couldn't pick up her shift on February 30th and directly asked my friend when he was going to start buying her things after they'd gone out for about a week. Told her tables that she was majoring in "fashion science".

She should be really lucky that she was very attractive. I would be willing to bet she is making some great arm candy for some rich, shallow dude out there.

aboxofbakingsoda · 77 points · Posted at 00:22:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F for your manager

132ikl · 19 points · Posted at 01:11:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

the manager fucking died rip

DemyeliNate · 3 points · Posted at 01:22:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

His name was Timmy.

Chrise762 · 19 points · Posted at 00:36:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F to pay respects

chancehugs · 12 points · Posted at 00:44:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F to dead from sandwich

Featherico · 11 points · Posted at 01:08:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of a time at a restaurant, I was in such a hurry taking plates to the dishwasher so I could go back on the floor cause it was a busy day, that I grabbed the fork and knife from the dirty plate I had, threw them in the trash and threw the food in the bucket of soap where the fork and knife should’ve gone.. and the dishwasher got so pissed cause she had just changed the water

katiebugdisney · 12 points · Posted at 01:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe you were in an infomercial and just weren’t aware. Have you also tried cutting bread with a door jam?

MyLittleRocketShip · 10 points · Posted at 00:47:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

sandwich problems require sandwich solutions

JamesBrownAMA · 9 points · Posted at 02:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked concessions at a movie theater and once someone ordered popcorn and I started filling the popcorn bag with ice as if I was getting a drink ready.

Acct0424 · 7 points · Posted at 00:20:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one made my day

Zehntry · 8 points · Posted at 03:21:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
brrrgitte · 5 points · Posted at 00:23:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is hilarious

Sees_Walls · 6 points · Posted at 01:13:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A real Bread knife

AcknowledgeMySpellin · 14 points · Posted at 00:32:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP Arby's manager

sonofaresiii · 5 points · Posted at 04:59:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can just imagine the scenario, because I've done similar

You're standing there, holding bread in your hand, above another piece of bread that needs cut, and you stop, thinking

"Something isn't right here, but I can't figure out what... I can't cut the bread, but why?"

fuckamalltodeath · 3 points · Posted at 02:30:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Arby's and I perfectly understand the autopilot of the backline. I've put just about everything in the microwave out of habit, I've put gyro seasoning on Oreo bites, I've put mayonnaise on pita bread (for a gyro). Working there I've even answered the phone with "welcome to arbys please order when you're ready". That place sucks the life outta you until you don't even know what you're doing anymore

drinkit_or_wearit · 8 points · Posted at 00:35:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was some good ass weed huh?

ultimattt · 3 points · Posted at 00:46:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg, this is classic.

Joesdad65 · 3 points · Posted at 01:19:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You needed some sharp cheddar for that.

Geta211 · 3 points · Posted at 01:37:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve pulled them out cut them open and thrown them straight in the trash can :|

jplushie · 3 points · Posted at 01:44:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Careful with the sandwich, you could stuff someone with it

KarpetMulch · 3 points · Posted at 01:55:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow, sorry to hear about your manager.

suxxx666 · 3 points · Posted at 01:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

YOU MURDERER

GlobalWarmer12 · 3 points · Posted at 01:57:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did your manager die from eating that knife?

timmmmah · 3 points · Posted at 03:37:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow. I often do goofy things like grab the lemon juice & almost put it in coffee instead of milk & I always stop myself but I feel a little worried at the same time, like what if this is a super early sign of Alzheimer’s or something. But after your story I feel much better about myself.

kingkovifor · 3 points · Posted at 05:50:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to manage an Arby’s and the amount of auto pilot shit I did was astounding. I would switch stores (often... in 6 years working for them I worked at 14 stores. Anytime someone needed a manager I’d go help). Answer the phone saying “thanks for calling Arby’s in <town> this Is x how can I help you.” I wasn’t in town.

I’d ask people in drive through if it was for here or to go, I asked people in drive through if they needed Arbys or horsey sauce for a turnover. I hated the new drive through upsell for the special because I’d always take a week or two switching between the old and new greeting.

I walked in and half switched off my mind because it was all auto pilot.

I realized even my hands were auto pilot with the registers at times. But never tried to cut bread with bread. Thanks for the solid laugh.

Th3CatOfDoom · 3 points · Posted at 11:55:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This isn't Minecraft! You can't cut things with Bread.

Kingkwon83 · 2 points · Posted at 01:50:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When did Arby's have subs? Maybe my memory is failing me, but I don't ever recall.

MrPotatoFudge · 2 points · Posted at 02:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He died?

Probably shouldn't have eaten your "sandwich" then

ItsRobbyy · 2 points · Posted at 03:05:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How was the funeral. Or were you not invited?

Swooper86 · 2 points · Posted at 03:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was your manager in the bag? Did he die because you stabbed him?

microgroweryfan · 2 points · Posted at 03:13:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im dying at the thought of you trying to cut the bread, then looking down in confusion as you realize you’re holding two pieces of bread.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:39:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, I went to arbys today and ordered an arbys melt.. they said they didn't make that... is it not a thing anymore? Or did I make it up?

TrueRusher · 2 points · Posted at 05:27:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was tagging product once and instead of throwing away the trash, I threw away the earbuds and put the price sticker on empty plastic.

joshuabeebe · 2 points · Posted at 11:40:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a pizza place. Had a boss who would throw temper tantrums. Either stoned or half-asleep employee throws in a cheesybread... forgets the cheese. No big deal, "REMAKE!" Same employee throws in a second one with no cheese. Boss stops everyone to make an announcement, "I DONT CARE IF YOU DO DRUGS, BUT IF YOU CANT REMEMBER TO PUT CHEESE ON A CHEESYBREAD MAYBE TONE IT THE FUCK DOWN."

kharmatika · 2 points · Posted at 17:26:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My best story for this question is about Arby’s. Sat down to my French dip, looked the AuJus and brain went “ooh coffee!”

FurryCoconut · 2 points · Posted at 00:59:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My condolences

jimbojangles1987 · 3 points · Posted at 01:20:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you get arrested for manslaughter?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How high were you

doctor_parcival · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that while working as a butcher. My manager walked by and the blade went right through his groin. I’m still sorry, Wayne.

Allieelee · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok, this one got me

mia_papaya · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He gave you a break after that, right?

blalohu · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my god I'm dying, please help

AwesomeGuyAlpha · 1 points · Posted at 10:37:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What do u mean he died?

CarpetStoreRoy · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP. F

Golden_Spider666 · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of Futurama for some reason

JordanCardwell · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP manager

OranguPanda · 1355 points · Posted at 00:39:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was lying naked on top of my high school girlfriend and we were smoochin', and I pulled back to ask if it bothered her that I was naked.

Instead, I said, "Does it bother you that I'm gay?"

Otachi365 · 347 points · Posted at 02:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So uh... What happens next

OranguPanda · 472 points · Posted at 02:48:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She busted out laughing ridiculously hard. Mood killed. Dead.

katieabrego · 154 points · Posted at 05:22:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But were you actually gay?

northrupthebandgeek · 100 points · Posted at 06:06:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not if he said "no homo" after.

wavs101 · 68 points · Posted at 15:21:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im imagining a coming of age movie where a kid finds out hes gay. He gets a boyfriend, has sex, come out of the closet, becomes an advocate for lgbtq rights then at the end of the movie he looks straight into the camera and says "but no homo tho."

[deleted] · 23 points · Posted at 17:44:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

wavs101 · 6 points · Posted at 23:40:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He did it again!

Foxley_King · 7 points · Posted at 18:17:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Na, he said ho, no mo'

ryholol · 64 points · Posted at 05:25:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asking the real questions here

OranguPanda · 20 points · Posted at 18:47:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope. I mean, a little. But aren't we all?

katieabrego · 9 points · Posted at 22:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shit, you right fam

kharmatika · 4 points · Posted at 17:18:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, could have ended worse, she could have believed you.

DivinePhoenixSr · 39 points · Posted at 07:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Arihella · 31 points · Posted at 08:15:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Freudian slip, huh?

Gunty1 · 8 points · Posted at 12:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, he was naked.

Dappershire · 9 points · Posted at 13:08:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Freudian nude, huh?

SmallRedOnion · 15 points · Posted at 06:04:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hmmmmm

TheGreyMage · 10 points · Posted at 11:26:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best thing I’ve ever read in my entire life.

OranguPanda · 5 points · Posted at 18:47:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You honour me

TheRealJackReynolds · 14 points · Posted at 06:06:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed so hard I cried at this.

DustyMustang · 3 points · Posted at 13:49:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude I’ve heard this story before exactly

OranguPanda · 6 points · Posted at 18:48:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I posted about it in another Ask Reddit thread once about something different

DustyMustang · 2 points · Posted at 12:17:59 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think so bro GGWP

cornbeefandcabbage · 2232 points · Posted at 22:30:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cardboard circle that comes with your frozen pizza into the oven and the actual pizza in the trash can.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 94 points · Posted at 22:40:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! How long did it take to realise?

cornbeefandcabbage · 117 points · Posted at 23:06:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like 5 minutes, but I didn't have pizza that night :(

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 72 points · Posted at 23:18:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw no :( did your oven not go on fire with the cardboard inside it?

cornbeefandcabbage · 112 points · Posted at 23:22:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just a little fire, wife brought the fire extinguisher after she finished yelling at me for being an idiot. She reminds me often.

[deleted] · 102 points · Posted at 01:00:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

wife brought the fire extinguisher after she finished yelling at me for being an idiot.

Sounds like your wife has her priorities in order.

stashiahosen · 17 points · Posted at 03:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went on a business trip and got a text from my husband. It was a picture of a pizza still on the cardboard in the oven. Thankfully he caught it before baking it. Still makes me laugh.

lampshade12345 · 10 points · Posted at 05:04:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw, my dad put the frozen pizza in the oven still wrapped in plastic and couldn't understand why it tasted so horrible!

unbiddenJoeBiden · 8 points · Posted at 03:29:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While every reply so far had me laughing uncontrollably, with this one, I just stopped scrolling and stared at the screen

willDaBeast88 · 9 points · Posted at 03:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How many pieces of cardboard did you eat before you realized?

zdakat · 3 points · Posted at 20:04:53 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

"This pizza tastes like cardboard! ... ...this pizza is cardboard."

Victoria240 · 8 points · Posted at 03:15:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

criess in pizza

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 05:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

cries in cardboard circle

R0gueShadow · 4 points · Posted at 08:19:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cries in Oven

ben_g0 · 1 points · Posted at 16:28:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just a little deeper. You're almost there.

Elliflame · 7 points · Posted at 03:45:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This comment hurt me

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 00:34:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

1moreflickeringlight · 3 points · Posted at 14:09:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

notkristina · 6 points · Posted at 12:40:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Too-late LPT: keep the cardboard circle on the counter so you can cut the hot pizza on top of it and have less to wash after.

AetherWay · 6 points · Posted at 13:27:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once accidentally left the circle on my pizza and baked it. Now, that sounds like an easy mistake to make, except when I used to make frozen pizzas, I would season the bottom of the pizza with several different seasonings and some butter. I applied that to the cardboard and apparently thought nothing of it.

The pizza looked and smelled great, but tasted exactly like seasoned cardboard.

Burrito-Coverings · 3 points · Posted at 16:03:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve always wondered what seasoned cardboard tasted like.

endearingcunt · 4 points · Posted at 05:55:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:0

Meganova04 · 2 points · Posted at 10:50:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally put the pizza in with the cardboard once and my pizza was like, soggy and floppy when I went to take it out haha 🙈

arejayismyname · 2 points · Posted at 20:13:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unrelated- but I used to, briefly, date this girl that intentionally put the cardboard into the oven with the frozen pizza. Had zero clue why she shouldn’t do it.

Stormkveld · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, how was your oven fried cardboard?

Shad0wFa1c0n · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend made a pizza with the cardboard on it once. Nearly burnt his house down

Jedi_Reject · 1 points · Posted at 09:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof

iheartthejvm · 1 points · Posted at 12:57:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the most devastating one I've seen yet.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:56 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you would have gotten pizza if you let your house burn down.

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 20:06:37 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Heh...looks like dinner will be a little late. Um...hey let's grab pizza....oh right."

windmillmaker_ · 1 points · Posted at 22:09:49 on December 29, 2018 · (Permalink)
[deleted] · 4723 points · Posted at 21:43:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Clockwork_Heart · 1077 points · Posted at 23:11:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mister Robot-o?

ArmandoPayne · 69 points · Posted at 00:30:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

KKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIILLLLLLLL-ROYYYYYY!!!!!!!

[deleted] · 53 points · Posted at 01:16:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

DOMO ARIGATO

MR ROBOTO

MACHO BOOGIE BOOGIEEEEEEE

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 05:07:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Como! Como! ♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

AaronVsMusic · 6 points · Posted at 07:28:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This works so well and made me laugh so hard.

joe199799 · 14 points · Posted at 01:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Domo aragato

InfiniteMonkeyBooks · 194 points · Posted at 00:32:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m Mexican and I spent a good minute thinking about “c como en gato” without figuring out what was wrong with it.

[deleted] · 46 points · Posted at 00:34:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

TheBatisRobin · 11 points · Posted at 07:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you mean trying to sound good or trying to sound not sick? Well isn't the word you want I think unless you wanted to say "trying to make sounds well." which is a little silly.

kharmatika · 17 points · Posted at 17:20:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, although Spanish is my second. I was just like “but it is?” Being bilingual is a trip. I sometimes have to stop myself from trying to explain things in Spanish when it’s more clear. The other day I was talking to my very single lingual coworker and I went “you as in vosotros, not tu” and then had to explain exactly wtf I meant.

RushilU · 5 points · Posted at 23:57:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say “singular you”/“plural you,” although I’m afraid that makes me look a bit pretentious.

I also say “inclusive we”/“exclusive we,” so there’s that.

zdakat · 1 points · Posted at 20:08:55 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took some Spanish(couldn't write or speak it regularly though) and some things like that now feel missing when trying to describe something in English

IncomprehensibleEmu · 2 points · Posted at 15:12:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day 🎂

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1437 points · Posted at 22:05:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m ashamed I just had to google that (because as much as I love languages, I cannot retain them) and google says “C as in cat”?

thepancakeking · 1729 points · Posted at 22:17:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

which makes sense in English, but "C as in gato" makes no sense at all.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 793 points · Posted at 23:08:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh! How did I not get that 🤦🏻‍♀️ that is pretty funny, does it happen often?

P0sitive_Outlook · 111 points · Posted at 03:16:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother wanted to name his son Ptolemy (with a silent "P") so they'd have the same initial. He didn't in the end, but gosh i wish he had.

We both like screwing over call-center cold-callers by spelling words phonetically: "M for mnemonic. R for Artichoke. Sue, as in pseudonym..."

carizariza · 54 points · Posted at 07:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends cousin is named Pfrancis for that exact reason. The other kids got better names. Like Phoebe. Or Paula. But you know. Pfrancis. 🤷🏽‍♀️

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 37 points · Posted at 12:55:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Phrances would be easier, surely?

carizariza · 10 points · Posted at 17:11:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why yes.... yes it would.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 21 points · Posted at 12:56:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m terrible at remember the words for the letters and one time I was one the phone and went “S for.... Santa.” And then immediately made a wtf face at my mum like why did you let me say that

P0sitive_Outlook · 25 points · Posted at 13:41:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old manager is Latvian. Nobody could pronounce her name properly so she asked that we just say the first bit of her name, for short. "Santa". It was never really confusing or even that funny until Christmas rolled around and it was hard to tell what folk were talking about. "I'm asking Santa for a clipboard" - "Jeeze, low ask! I'm getting an Xbox One..."

DBaill · 2 points · Posted at 16:57:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seems like something you'd enjoy

https://youtu.be/nQLv7zrJk9U

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 18:34:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did!

And for you: Word Disassociation.

scrumptious mechanical
jungle uncle wish
paleobotanical
backwards licorice

[deleted] · 27 points · Posted at 01:26:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don’t worry I still don’t understand it

ClumsyRainbow · 155 points · Posted at 01:47:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They are speaking Spanish, they want to make it clear they mean C.

They think C as in cat.

They say C como en gato.

Gato does not begin with C.

[deleted] · 19 points · Posted at 11:25:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my

That was so obvious wow

Tikki123 · 51 points · Posted at 01:48:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Imagine that you're spelling something out, and to make sure the other person hears the right letter, you also say a word that starts with the letter. For example, you might say "C as in cat".

This makes sense because in English, The word cat starts with the letter c.

What op did was accidentally say "c as in Gato". Gato being the Spanish word for cat. So while op thought of cat and that would've been correct, because s/he was speaking Spanish, it makes no sense

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 11:25:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for explaining it for me

KezaGatame · 6 points · Posted at 02:58:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually if you say it fast the "Ca" my sound like "Ga" you would probably sound like a little kid calling el gato, el cato.

RochelleH · 66 points · Posted at 23:55:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It's the same as saying "c for cat", but it's not correct Spanish. We'd usually say "g de gato". He/she was saying speaking in Spanglish, directly translating from English syntax, as well as using a c instead of g. You use it on the phone... and if you're on Wheel of Fortune too, I guess. Heh.

This kind of thing happens a fair bit when you speak a few languages and are tired/not concentrating or can hear someone else speaking another language you understand in the background. For example, I speak Spanish, Portuguese, and English. I can't speak one properly if I can overhear another in the background too well. It causes a trip in your head, and you automatically speak what you hear most of, or what is most interesting to your ears...hehe. I also have a thing where if I hear a surname that's clearly Portuguese or Spanish, I have to fight not to switch to automatically speaking that language. It's amusing as fuck.

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 00:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

TunaOfDoom · 11 points · Posted at 00:43:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How long have you been living in the US if I may ask?

erm4gundr · 10 points · Posted at 02:53:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've only been learning French for about 6 years and sometimes when I'm visiting my Martinique/Guadeloupe friends so I'm speaking a lot more French than usual, I switch between English and French out of the blue. Even happens in my thoughts, which I've heard is a common experience among Anglophones learning French.

MaybeImTheNanny · 7 points · Posted at 03:41:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to tell someone the other day that we had to speak Spanish instead of English because I couldn’t concentrate to speak English when everyone else was speaking Spanish. English is my native language.

Thadeoc · 14 points · Posted at 03:27:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

D as in perro?

pussyhasfurballs · 60 points · Posted at 00:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once at work I forgot the phonetic alphabet so instead of saying "Q for Quebec" I stumbled for a minute before saying "Q for Koala." It made sense in my head and took me a few seconds before realising how wrong it was.

xocheerio · 61 points · Posted at 01:02:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a dispatcher, I asked a caller to spell a name starting with an N. He said “N as in knife...wait that’s not right” and we both started cracking up

Fyrestar333 · 4 points · Posted at 15:35:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was an alarm dispatcher talking to police dispatch i gave a street name and she asked to spell it, i said 8 for the number part and she said 8 as in the letter 8? My office was no good the rest of the day

[deleted] · 34 points · Posted at 23:22:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll say American idioms in a couple of other languages, as if they'll fully understand what I'm saying 🤦‍♂️ I realize after the fact.

NearPup · 35 points · Posted at 01:15:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a native French speakers and I still sometimes use French expressions or idioms like “close the lights” when I am speaking English while tired.

erm4gundr · 21 points · Posted at 02:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Native English speaker. This inspires me to tell people to mind their own onions in English now.

NearPup · 16 points · Posted at 03:44:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I have other cats to whip" (equivalent to "I have other fish to fry") is another fun one.

erm4gundr · 7 points · Posted at 06:42:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh gosh French wtf that's weird

demonballhandler · 1 points · Posted at 15:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Big heavy" is one of my personal favs

doremifasodone · 32 points · Posted at 23:55:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I DID THIS ONCE AND MY GRANDMA WAS LIKE ???? Que???? And I’m like Abuela!! C de gato. RELATABLE

JRS_14 · 19 points · Posted at 00:51:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the "A de manzana"

itsmarvin · 17 points · Posted at 23:42:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me when I was trying to spell something to a friend over the phone: "D as in... something... (can't think of a word)"

leomonster · 12 points · Posted at 00:21:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dildo? Dick? Double penetration?

Wannabe_Maverick · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gotta learn those phonetics, my dude.

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 00:47:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:47:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you primarily an English speaker? I use the wrong language way more often with two foreign languages than with English (my primary language) and a foreign language.

free__upvotes · 3 points · Posted at 14:39:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often do that sort of mixup when translating. In my head I translate from German to Portuguese and then back to German again. Then turn to my mom, who doesn’t speak a word of German and start “er sagte dass...”

I do that on Duolingo all the time too.

charolastra_charolo · 22 points · Posted at 00:33:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Si, como en gato.”

Desblade101 · 19 points · Posted at 01:03:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I misread it as "si, como un gato" and I was like who says that?

WesleySnopes · 4 points · Posted at 01:02:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You eat in the cat?

sluttyredridinghood · 2 points · Posted at 02:03:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Como doesn't just mean eat....

ppp475 · 3 points · Posted at 05:55:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean technically it does, as "como" as in "how" is supposed to have an accent over the first o, otherwise it is the first person form of "to eat". But, with that said, on the Internet where not many people have international keyboards, it's usually just context clues that help and the guy above is being pedantic.

cesaugo · 2 points · Posted at 13:14:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

como

adverbio relativo

  1. Introduce el segundo término de una comparación de igualdad; se utiliza en comparaciones de cualidades, y también cuando se contraponen acciones, situaciones, etc.

    "era un chico fuerte como un roble; lo ha hecho tan deprisa como cualquiera; habla el francés como un nativo"

    1. Introduce una oración que indica el modo de suceder o de ser de algo.

    "vístete como quieras; lo ha hecho como tú le habías dicho que lo hiciera; era exactamente como tú lo habías descrito"

  2. Introduce una oración que establece una comparación entre una opinión, una afirmación, una suposición, etc., anteriores y lo expresado por la oración principal, que confirma esta opinión o afirmación.

    "como decimos en mi tierra, necesitas unas vacaciones; el cosmos se originó con una gran explosión, como ha demostrado la física; esto exactamente es lo que sucedió, como puede comprobarse en la declaración que firmamos"

  3. Indica una equivalencia o relación de semejanza aproximada.

    "lo he visto como desorientado; en toda la tarde entraron como seis clientes; estaba como fuera de sí"

  4. conjunción

    Introduce una oración que indica la causa de lo que se expresa en la oración principal, a la cual antecede; se utiliza cuando la causa se concibe de algún modo como una justificación de la oración principal.

    "como no hizo buen día, nos quedamos en casa; como has llegado tarde, hemos empezado sin ti"

  5. Con verbos en subjuntivo, introduce una oración que indica un hecho hipotético cuya realización implica necesariamente la realización de lo que se expresa en la oración principal.

    "como vuelvas a llegar tarde, te vas a enterar; no podremos ir a la playa como no deje de llover; como no lo hubiéramos parado, se iba directo al barranco"

  6. preposición

    Con un nombre sin artículo, indica que la persona o cosa designada por este se considera solamente en el aspecto que se menciona.

    "como padre, no deberías tolerar estas cosas; como abogado, te recomendaría que lo demandaras, pero como amigo, nunca te lo recomendaría"

  7. Indica que algo o alguien es o actúa en la condición, función, cargo, etc., que se menciona.

    "participé en el bautizo como padrino; su actuación como presidente de la comunidad de vecinos fue elogiada; acéptalo como un premio"

  8. Se utiliza para introducir un ejemplo.

    "los países del norte de Europa, como Noruega, tienen un nivel de vida elevado"

cómo

adverbio interrogativo

  1. Introduce una pregunta sobre el modo de suceder o de ser de algo.

    "¿cómo lo has hecho?; no sé cómo es la casa que se han comprado"

  2. Introduce una pregunta sobre la causa o la razón de algo; se utiliza cuando se pide una justificación sobre un hecho o una actuación que resultan sorprendentes porque se esperaba lo contrario.

    "¿cómo no vas de viaje?; pero, ¿cómo no te arreglas un poco más?; no entiendo cómo no lo han descubierto"

  3. adverbio exclamativo

    Introduce una oración exclamativa que expresa sorpresa o admiración sobre el modo de suceder o de ser de algo.

    "pero, ¡cómo habla el inglés tu hermana!; ¡cómo ha crecido la ciudad estos años que he estado fuera!"

  4. nombre masculino

    Modo en que sucede algo; se utiliza en contextos que, de algún modo, implican una pregunta.

    "ya sabemos el dónde y el cuándo, pero aún desconocemos el cómo"

  5. a cómo

    Se utiliza para preguntar el precio al que se vende algo.

    "¿a cómo están los tomates?"

  6. Fórmula cortés para responder afirmativamente a una proposición, una invitación, etc.

    "―¿Vienes a casa a cenar esta noche? ―¿Cómo no?"

    1. Indica que se concibe como inevitable o que se esperaba que ocurriera algo que ha ocurrido.

    "él, cómo no, ya sabía la respuesta; ―Como siempre, él tuvo una actuación cuestionable. ―Cómo no"

ppp475 · 3 points · Posted at 13:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok so my original response was based off of 3 years of highschool Spanish that I've mostly forgotten. You're much more qualified than I am for this it seems.

cesaugo · 1 points · Posted at 22:33:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am not OP, just a random redditor who googled "como significado" then copy + paste here for easy karma

WesleySnopes · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

¿Que hace un pez?

WesleySnopes · 1 points · Posted at 23:39:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...nada.

stoned_hobo · 14 points · Posted at 23:49:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a running joke in my family to work our last name with "v as in cow"

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 00:06:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Read this as "Si, como en Gato" and spent way too long trying to figure out what your mom was making fun of you for.

moreisay · 7 points · Posted at 02:32:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do bilingual phone support, and “c como gato” is a regular fuckup of mine

borderlinegoldmine · 6 points · Posted at 03:46:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i'm bilingual, and whenever i'm tired/drunk/stressed I can only seem to properly speak only one language. so if i'm talking with someone in the "wrong" language, 99% of the conversation will be me saying "whats the word, uhhhh, you know"

Tevo45 · 6 points · Posted at 04:24:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Despise being Brazilian (and, in consequence, speaking Portuguese natively), I've taught myself English since very early. A thing that I got used to do is kind of "switching my mind's language", which means I'll have all my thoughts in English instead of Portuguese. The problem comes when I'm thinking about something and have to talk to someone at the same time: what I end up saying is a barely intelligible mixture between both languages, which, in general, ends up being pretty awkward to be honest.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 06:17:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Montana_Red · 3 points · Posted at 08:13:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have a local TV reporter who does this. "and back to you in the studio, I'm Eriiika Gonzzzalass, news 4.

eidorbila · 6 points · Posted at 00:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend said this exact thing when we were in Guatemala! It was super funny. I guess you’re not the only one who has done that on accident lol!

g-a-r-n-e-t · 8 points · Posted at 01:00:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do something kind of similar. I’m a native English speaker who is learning Spanish and I have a very hard time switching between them quickly, so if I’m speaking Spanish and then have to jump back to English , it’ll be English put through the wringer of Spanish grammar.

461weavile · 5 points · Posted at 05:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Translation: "C" as in "cat." He was using the English word to clarify which letter, but said the same word in Spanish instead.

OP, your story didn't make sense to me until I translated it into English, so I'm just trying to clarify to any other readers.

huesoso · 3 points · Posted at 23:57:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can totally relate to this.

Shadowarrior64 · 3 points · Posted at 01:25:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Realmente es así a veces

Unique_account_ · 1 points · Posted at 11:37:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It really is like this sometimes

wetastelikejesus · 3 points · Posted at 01:59:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work and someone asked how to set their smart thermostat. I ask Maintenence supervisor for the English instructions. He gave me instructions and for about 10 minutes tried to read them and was horrified and confused I could only understand half of the words. I asked the Maint sup again for English and he said it was on the other side. Spend another 5 minutes reading it out loud thinking I was just struggling to focus because of my recent tbi. Nope. It was all Spanish.

sycamotree · 3 points · Posted at 11:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol this reminded me of that time I called a potato an "apple of the earth" in English.

I'm not even fluent at French so idk how that happened lol.

TypeOneAuthor · 7 points · Posted at 06:12:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My freshman year of high school, a friend looked me dead I. The eye and said, “Yo tango in gato en mis pantalones.” “I have a cat in my pants.”

I still don’t know why that was so funny.

H-wade · 3 points · Posted at 01:58:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Being bilingual is weird. I took ASL as a 3rd language, and for some reason while learning I could only ever think in my second language.

Lecaia713 · 6 points · Posted at 12:42:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kinda did the reverse- had a deaf babysitter when I was young, so I picked up some ASL. (English is my primary language.) When I first started learning Spanish, I would catch myself trying to sign while I was speaking. "Necesito usar el (ASL sign for "bathroom"), err, baño."

a_leprechaun · 5 points · Posted at 03:01:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I speak some okay Spanish as a second language. Was learning Swahili at one point and while the languages are nothing alike, most words in both are structured with alternating vowels and consonants; so of course I would often accidently respond in Spanish to things said in Swahili and vice versa. Considering there isn't a lot of crossover between speakers of the two languages, I'd end up with a lot of confused looks by people who thought I'd gone crazy or had a stroke.

call_me_xale · 2 points · Posted at 04:52:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Jehovah starts with an 'i'!"

frogy1999 · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the exact same thing but in Dutch. Eventhough I still live in the Netherlands

11briano · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to read thru the replies for a minute to realize the mistake.

Fyrsiel · 1 points · Posted at 03:03:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, same diff!

manny_goldstein · 7157 points · Posted at 22:15:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Ended a phone call with my boss "love you babe".

Edit, boss was a she, and to be honest she was pretty damn cute in a slightly goofy way.

cnfmom · 4279 points · Posted at 00:10:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've called my boss dad before. He just stopped and said he'd rather not be called that. But at least he laughed.

Canowyrms · 1447 points · Posted at 00:30:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember in elementary school, I called a female teacher Mom when I was in grade 2 or 3. Thought I was going to die from embarrassment.

GreenFrogs95 · 780 points · Posted at 00:46:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeahhhh, in 3rd grade I called my teacher “mom”, but he was a guy.

hippo_canoe · 63 points · Posted at 04:20:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Speaking as a male 4th grade teacher, being called "mom" by a student is actually the second highest praise I've ever received.

EcstaticStrings · 23 points · Posted at 05:34:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was the highest praise you've ever received?

hippo_canoe · 64 points · Posted at 05:46:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The highest praise I ever received was when a graduating senior came back to my elementary and said, "Hippo_Canoe, do you remember me?" Which I did, and he continued, "I wanted to tell you that I just graduated, and I'm going to Stanford, and I wanted to thank you. You were the one that turned things around for me; that made it possible for me to do this. So, thank you."

Yea, that was a pretty good day.

InjuredSmurf · 29 points · Posted at 06:58:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sound like a great mo- teacher

jelvinjs7 · 5 points · Posted at 06:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What’s the first?

justwannagiveupvotes · 20 points · Posted at 02:48:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this too and the whole class was quite and everyone heard yay

OhNoesTehTadpoles · 37 points · Posted at 01:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this in sixth grade.

abcedarian · 12 points · Posted at 05:12:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My kids call me Mom all the time, which would be fine except I'm their dad.

shesdrawnpoorly · 4 points · Posted at 04:11:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

legend has it they're still having an identity crisis to this day...

BladeGustVexilloBall · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe she was a closeted transwoman and that was her realization of who she truly is. Maybe she's posting on r/traa. Or not, i might be wrong

ThatGingeOne · 74 points · Posted at 01:11:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't worry, most people have done that at least once. I'm a teacher and it happens surprisingly often

Canowyrms · 20 points · Posted at 02:01:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking back on it a couple decades after the fact, the teacher probably thought it was adorable

gwaydms · 6 points · Posted at 05:12:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a SAHM and frequent school volunteer, in addition to being called (kid's name)'s mommy by my children's friends, they actually called me Mom or Mommy sometimes. I took it as a compliment.

SouthernWifey · 34 points · Posted at 01:20:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

First grade teacher here. I get it at least twice a week. “Mama” or “Nana”.

cnfmom · 28 points · Posted at 00:31:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol yep pretty sure I've done that too.

CaffeineGlom · 29 points · Posted at 02:09:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I teach fifth grade. A few years ago, a child called me the name of his fourth grade teacher.

Alex: Mrs. XYZ, can I go to the bathroom? Me: Alex, you’ve had me for two months already! I can’t believe you just called me Mrs. _____! Alex : Yeah, sorry. Let’s be serious, by Christmas I’ll probably be calling you mom, so.... [mic drop, enters bathroom]

Miss that kid.

SciviasKnows · 6 points · Posted at 04:45:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love fifth graders. Old enough to be awesome, but not old enough to know everything yet.

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 01:42:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Canowyrms · 9 points · Posted at 02:01:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty sure I've seen a porno that started like that

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:24:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Massive_Kestrel · 4 points · Posted at 02:51:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rule 34

emissaryofwinds · 14 points · Posted at 02:44:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, teachers are used to it, they get it at least once a month. Once my sister called a female teacher Grandpa, she was more surprised at that one

AwkwardSummers · 14 points · Posted at 03:14:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember a kid in 6th grade called our teacher "grandma" by accident and the teacher was so offended. She was like "Grandma?? Grandma!! Not even mom... but grandma?!" Lol that poor kid was probably so embarrassed.

Canowyrms · 4 points · Posted at 03:56:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He probably sunk inward into himself until he turned inside out

Exoclyps · 8 points · Posted at 03:00:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually called a classmate Mom once. He ended up snorting milk and teasing me quite a bit. His name start with m.

Canowyrms · 3 points · Posted at 03:57:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Perfect

otofish · 6 points · Posted at 03:39:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

29 year-old male 4th grade teacher here. I get called grandma more than a few times per year.

BeastlyNinja9 · 4 points · Posted at 02:49:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this literally last week in 7th grade. RIP me

Canowyrms · 5 points · Posted at 02:56:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah your peers aren't going to let you live that down

actually__retarded · 6 points · Posted at 03:19:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my grade 3 teacher dad, she thought it was pretty funny.

RW-iwnl- · 4 points · Posted at 03:20:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called one of my male teachers mom...

P0sitive_Outlook · 7 points · Posted at 03:23:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our math class was split into boys and girls. Girls had a male teacher, boys had a female teacher. My buddy put his hand up mid-lesson and asked if he could go wash his hands because they were sticky and nobody has let him forget that for the past twenty five years.

Canowyrms · 2 points · Posted at 03:55:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's amazing. Definitely wouldn't let him forget that either.

UnderpaidSlacker · 5 points · Posted at 03:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this multiple times, until middle school. It's embarrassing, but one teacher (3rd or 4th grade?) reassured me that it's chill. "You spend half the day with me and the other half with your parents, things get mixed up sometimes." Didn't really give a shit about slipping ur after that, even though I tried to avoid it for obvious reasons.

Sproutacus700 · 5 points · Posted at 03:02:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In 3rd grade I was still calling my Mom, "Mommy". Accidentally called my teacher that one day. One of the more embarrassing moments of my childhood

Senator_Palpa-meme · 4 points · Posted at 03:06:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Middle school for me. Did it to a male classmate too - went to call him dad.

Canowyrms · 3 points · Posted at 03:56:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A classmate! Was he an early bloomer?

Senator_Palpa-meme · 2 points · Posted at 15:47:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah but not nearly enough to justify me calling him dad haha

blobber5678 · 4 points · Posted at 03:23:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend called a male teacher mom when he asked for the homework.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:56:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done that maybe ten times haha

TiggerTriggers · 3 points · Posted at 02:16:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like most people have done this

Old_but_New · 3 points · Posted at 03:44:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You and almost every other kid ever. Don’t sweat it.

Canowyrms · 2 points · Posted at 03:53:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol at this point in my life, I chuckle when I think about it.

IceArrows · 3 points · Posted at 04:41:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn't call the teacher mom but in 3rd grade I fell asleep in class and woke up and yelled mom and everyone stared.

SlutForMarx · 3 points · Posted at 04:56:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, I did this in high school... it got brought up in the class quizz at my senior prom... which said teacher was attending. Luckily, all was cool, and I just kinda laughed, yelled, “Love you, female teacher!” from across the room, at which she chuckled and replied “love you too!”

She was a cool lady

Canowyrms · 3 points · Posted at 06:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Properly handled

SlutForMarx · 2 points · Posted at 00:13:22 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks x

PM_ME_UR_COUSIN · 3 points · Posted at 05:40:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in the military, I once began an email to my female superior officer with "Ma'am," but since I forgot the apostrophe Outlook changed it to "Mama." I didn't hear the end of that one for a while.

xXTobyOrNotTobyXx · 2 points · Posted at 03:14:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I did this basically every other day

gumball_wizard · 2 points · Posted at 03:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do that too, but sometimes it actually was my mom, who was a substitute teacher then.

Canowyrms · 2 points · Posted at 03:56:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I'm so glad I was never the kid whose parent was a teacher.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:29:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar in 5th grade.

hanisthegreatest · 2 points · Posted at 03:56:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a teacher and this happens allllllllll the time so don't be embarrassed lol

orokami11 · 2 points · Posted at 04:03:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the contrary, I've called my mom 'teacher' once when I was around that age too. She has kindergartens so it wasn't a far stretch, but still, I was embarrassed. It never happened again.

injimbles · 2 points · Posted at 04:55:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I called my teacher grandma, because my grandma was staying with us for a while and she had helped me with my homework the day before. The teacher said that it would've been ok if I had called her mom bc it happens often, but grandma was another level lmao

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:03:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao same. In my case i said "Mommy" since i always called her that, still do. I wanted to die. I was 12 i think.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:06:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a male teacher. Don't really feel I've settled into a classroom until I get called Mum.

tomass1232321 · 2 points · Posted at 14:59:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a play last year and I accidentally called my director "mom" twice throughout it. She thought it was hilarious and my whole cast teased my about it. It was really funny.

Xxgiantsmasher34 · 2 points · Posted at 17:32:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done that multiple times all throughout grades 1-7 the embarrassment, the embarrassment never changes

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:10:48 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's pretty common in lower grades. My mom taught lower elementary and got called Mom all the time. In her later years it was Grandma.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:08:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Most kids have done it and died of embarrassment. They all thought they were the only ones that ever called their teacher mom

koinu-chan_love · 1 points · Posted at 09:39:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a guy in my sixth grade class who regularly called our teacher “Mom”, especially if he was concentrating hard on something. To be fair, his mom had been his teacher for third and fourth grades.

flame_in_darkness · 1 points · Posted at 22:00:38 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

lmao I called my male 8th grade Bible/philosophy teacher "mom"

soyrobo · 0 points · Posted at 04:13:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ralph Wiggum, is that you?

SciviasKnows · 0 points · Posted at 04:42:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok, Ralph Wiggum.

frogjg2003 · 41 points · Posted at 01:10:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dad or Daddy? There's a big difference.

cnfmom · 27 points · Posted at 01:27:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just dad thank goodness!

skidude0403 · 41 points · Posted at 01:13:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why's everyone staring at me?

You just called Captain Holt Dad.

ImaNeedBoutTreeFiddy · 25 points · Posted at 01:43:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Would you like to talk about it over a game of catch?

UppercaseVII · 16 points · Posted at 03:59:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i'd like that

GTheMan2576783 · 13 points · Posted at 03:00:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s a 50/50 chance this gets 5 replies and little to none say Nine Nine or you get 40 comments saying Nine Nine or Not a doctor or fermulon

I say we say Boom Boom

Boom Boom u/skidude0403

skidude0403 · 5 points · Posted at 03:19:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It's one of my favorite opens.

Boom boom!

GTheMan2576783 · 5 points · Posted at 03:57:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

IT’S BOOM BOOM NOT NINE NINE

Edit: OP said Nine Nine than edited it I’m not an idiot 😉

skidude0403 · 3 points · Posted at 04:15:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cool cool cool cool

GTheMan2576783 · 2 points · Posted at 04:49:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

C’mon Son

Gemmabeta · 8 points · Posted at 03:37:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I'M TEACHING FATHER THE MATH!"

GTheMan2576783 · 4 points · Posted at 03:58:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BOOOONE

Spartann · 18 points · Posted at 01:11:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

maybe because he'd rather be called daddy

cnfmom · 8 points · Posted at 01:28:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn't ask...

jesserthantherest · 9 points · Posted at 04:04:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Target as a a front end supervisor and my friend was recently promoted to a team lead. A woman came in and was trying to cash a check at the service desk, but we don’t do that at target. So, obviously, being retail, she went completely nuts! Yelling at him, saying how can we not cash her check, blah blah blah. He kept trying to calm her down and kept saying ‘ma’am’ over and over but one time he slipped and said ‘mom’ and she fucking lost it. ‘I’m not your damn mom! Don’t talk to me that way!’ And finally we had to get loss prevention to come escort her out.

He laughed about it like immediately afterwards but I could tell he was mortified when it happened.

cnfmom · 5 points · Posted at 04:07:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bahaha that's awesome! Poor guy.

masonmisti · 6 points · Posted at 03:21:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My co-worker and I call our boss dad. It started off as an inside joke then we just started calling him dad to his face. He gets a kick out of it.

He just recently helped me change a tire. When he got into his car to leave he said that was a great father daughter moment.

cnfmom · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Provided it doesn't go anywhere creepy that's pretty awesome.

masonmisti · 1 points · Posted at 13:05:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No it’s mostly inappropriate on both sides. We all get along. It’s pretty nice to have a boss that cares.

GTheMan2576783 · 12 points · Posted at 02:55:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Captain Holt and Jake Peralta approve

cnfmom · 3 points · Posted at 04:09:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've seen a few of these comments but I'm embarrassed to say I don't get the reference!

GTheMan2576783 · 3 points · Posted at 04:44:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s from a police comedy called Brooklyn Nine Nine one of the main characters has father issues and calls their captain who is named Holt dad in a cold open to the episode.

mustang-GT90210 · 4 points · Posted at 01:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been lucky to never do anything like that. My boss and my dad could be twins, which really doesn't help!

cnfmom · 5 points · Posted at 01:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your time will come...

mustang-GT90210 · 4 points · Posted at 01:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I learned from a young working age to just call my boss "boss."

I have called a few teachers mom, though

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:02:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

mustang-GT90210 · 2 points · Posted at 02:09:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do, sometimes. I'm from a large family, and my bosses have almost always shared names with family members.

I'm bad with words. Let's call my sister "Z" for example. I've either introduced, or said something to the effect of "yeah, this is my Z" and then have to correct it immediately to "this is my sister, Z"

Brain moves faster than my mouth, no doubt

relevantusername- · 3 points · Posted at 02:28:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad used to be the coach of my football team when I was a kid. One training session I called him dad three times, despite him telling me beforehand not to call him that when he's coach!

erm4gundr · 2 points · Posted at 02:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine called our history teacher mom instead of ma'am and the class got a laugh out of it but the teacher was really flattered and it just reminds me how precious old people are when they're not complaining about EVERYTHING.

laniea72 · 2 points · Posted at 03:16:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my woodshop teacher in high school "Dad" once. I was one of 2 girls in a class with 30 guys in it. I was horrified! He just laughed it off and said he took it as a compliment.

I used to do woodworking with my Dad at his home on the weekends. (I lived full time with my Mom.) Shout out to Mr. Fromm from Kent-Meridian. You were the best!!

cnfmom · 1 points · Posted at 04:11:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw that's actually kind of sweet. I hope the guys in the class didn't give you too hard a time about it.

scienceisanart · 3 points · Posted at 02:55:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my elderly male teacher "mom" once in sixth grade

cnfmom · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bet you didn't live that one down for a while!

BullshitSloth · 2 points · Posted at 03:21:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Andy Bernard?

laniea72 · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope. My name is Pam. Did you go to KM? :)

cnfmom · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 03:22:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Cheers darl-BUDDY! :O"

"Don't call me 'Buddy'."

. "Sure thing, darling"

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:26:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just called Captain Holt dad.

Drunkandcommenting · 2 points · Posted at 03:35:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Detective Jake Peralta?

adoreandu · 2 points · Posted at 07:05:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least it was “dad”, not “daddy”...

ActuallySatanAMA · 2 points · Posted at 08:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call my boss "dad" on an unprofessionally regular basis. It's awkward during meetings, but on the bright side, my boss actually is my dad.

SmilieSmith · 2 points · Posted at 12:50:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a teacher and kids are constantly calling me mum. They get super embarrassed, but it happens so often (and I am a mum so I hear it all the time anyway) I probably wouldn't even notice if they didnt make such a fuss with their embarrassment. Cracks me up.

JuniorSeniorTrainee · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Better than if he said he'd like you to call him that more often, with a wink.

Le-Bandicoot · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nine niiiine! 😂

461weavile · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I intentionally called my [male] boss "mom" for like 2 years.

Sigma3737 · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of the guys at work does this with me and his other boss calling us Dad 1 and Dad 2. He tried it to embarrass us but now every time he asks us about anything we just tell him, “ Go ask your other dad”

TheRealJackReynolds · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife has accidentally called me "mom" on two occasions.

KingdomOfRyan · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ive called my boss dad at every job I’ve been employed at lol. They always think it’s funny!

touchettee · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Should have said, “is ‘daddy’ better?”

cnfmom · 2 points · Posted at 16:55:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my word, no! Lol

Kpt_Kipper · 1 points · Posted at 08:52:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call people dad all the time. I think it’s hilarious.

PoiLethe · 1 points · Posted at 09:26:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a place where the much older bosses calls one of his much younger workers dad. Casually, like having a serious conversation about work, but his nickname is "Dad" sooo...its almost as weirdly uncomfortable as "daddy" used in the sexual way.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 19:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[removed]

cnfmom · 1 points · Posted at 19:36:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's actually really sweet :)

CryingJordansHornets · 2328 points · Posted at 23:54:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar. I’m a male and I was talking to my also male best friend and when we were hanging up, I said “love you baby”. He died laughing lol.

Canowyrms · 192 points · Posted at 00:29:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's okay, we're all a little gay. He knows you meant it.

YerDaSellsYeet · 92 points · Posted at 01:05:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bro. You don't end phone calls with your homies with a nice reminder you love them?

BananaOverdose · 55 points · Posted at 01:09:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shame on those who doesn't end calls with some homie love

tpolaris · 22 points · Posted at 01:54:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you can't send nudes to your bro, are they really your bro?

Imakeboom · 3 points · Posted at 01:49:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sup homo

GolfBaller17 · 35 points · Posted at 01:08:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always tell my bros I love them. That's why they're my bros.

maxcresswellturner · 38 points · Posted at 01:17:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I also did something equally cringeworthy... my girlfriend was visiting with me at a family getogether and we were all playing a board game. My girlfriend Maria was new to the game so I was teaching it to her while we were playing. Things got a little excited and I got distracted, my mom said something to me and I mistakenly said “one second baby”. I almost cringed when my mom said “Max I’m not your girlfriend” but I quickly passed it off by saying I was talking to Maria haha

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 01:59:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is so bad. So so bad. Gonna pretend I didn't read it thnx.

maxcresswellturner · 0 points · Posted at 04:35:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

🤮

CryingJordansHornets · 3 points · Posted at 04:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha wow! That is pretty cringy. I haven't done that yet but there's a great chance it could happen at some point.

gh0st-toast · 9 points · Posted at 03:07:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often have the urge to call my coworker that I share an office with "babe" and "honey". I would die if I actually called him that. It's a reflex because that's what I call my husband.

ysiii · 3 points · Posted at 04:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sorry for your loss :(

iDarkville · 2 points · Posted at 04:39:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who did his eulogy?

Invisibaelia · 33 points · Posted at 01:24:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this before. My favourite instance of it was when a nurse I was talking to said, "okay, gotta go, love you, byeee" (out of her own auto pilot)

My auto pilot wasn't going to leave her hanging though - I said, "love you too! Byeee!" And hung up. Then stared at my phone before bursting into laughter.

The next time we talked she said the patient she was with got a great laugh out of it all.

[deleted] · 23 points · Posted at 01:23:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband and his brother sound the same. One time at a family get together my brother-in-law told his daughter that he loved her as she was walking out the door. My brain just heard a voice that sounded like my husband's saying "I love you" so I replied "I love you too" without even thinking. In front of their entire family. I was like, you're not my husband and you weren't talking to me, excuse me while I crawl under the sofa and die.

stevethecow · 7 points · Posted at 04:12:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my sister in law was staying with us. We have an office that she stayed in the first day on an inflatable mattress, but it popped. So now we are down to our queen size bed and our 3 year old son's twin. Obviously, I'm not gonna make our guest share the tiny bed with a toddler. So I said "I can sleep with junior so that you can and your sister can share our bed," then my brain was like oh hey your wife loves sleeping with him, maybe she wants to, so I said "or if you would rather sleep with junior, I could sleep... WAIT NO"

AllCanadianReject · 31 points · Posted at 23:58:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

He'll, I'm the kind of person who does this purposefully.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 04:33:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OT but I absolutely love your username lmfao. Throwing it back to my emo days and Maplestory AMV’s

AllCanadianReject · 2 points · Posted at 18:33:37 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to be a huge fan of AAR but not so much nowadays. I still love the name though. It's become a part of me.

MyNewPhilosophy · 12 points · Posted at 01:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my friends works on small film projects. While traveling, once, he and his camera guy ended up having to share a bed.

Middle of the night friends husband rolled over, slung an arm around his friend and whispered “love you” in his sleep.

He has yet to live this down.

sadiegoose1377 · 11 points · Posted at 01:11:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my more embarrassing moments recently was saying “Thanks Mom” to my boss. Oh lord. Had just gotten off a long call with my mom on break so I think that was it.

e-luddite · 11 points · Posted at 01:54:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once said "Hey, mom?" to my boss when starting a question.

MsWhimsy · 9 points · Posted at 01:27:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boss thought she was texting her husband but was actually texting me. She called me lover. I'll never let her live it down.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 00:28:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did he react?

manny_goldstein · 16 points · Posted at 03:03:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was an awkward pause, and then she said, "um, ok, talk to you later", and then it hit me what I had just said.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:04:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yikes

manny_goldstein · 9 points · Posted at 03:10:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It went ok.

Lol3droflxp · 2 points · Posted at 17:10:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But are you now married and have 17 kids?

RaichuaTheFurry · 7 points · Posted at 02:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He gave him a promotion

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:17:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice username

PoopingProbably · 4 points · Posted at 01:29:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Power move

poeinthegutter · 3 points · Posted at 01:35:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Could always play it off like you're a slick Hollywood agent and that's just how you end conversations

peekachou · 3 points · Posted at 00:43:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have had that said to me by 2 seperate physios, in two seperate companies, on my last session with them.. One male and one female, still confused

afhiv2 · 3 points · Posted at 00:57:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this intentianally with a few of my dood friends to mess with them

BootyBec · 3 points · Posted at 01:48:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my boss Hun, wouldn’t let me live it down for days!

ElKirbyDiablo · 3 points · Posted at 01:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I texted another male co-worker a heart and nothing else once. It was meant for my girlfriend. I didn't realize it until late that night, hours later. Fortunately, he guessed it was a mistake and that was it.

rosegold- · 3 points · Posted at 02:12:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my dad babe once because I’m used to calling my boyfriend that.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say that as a joke so if i accidently say it people don't find it out of the ordinary

rick_rackleson · 2 points · Posted at 03:17:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 12, I ordered Chinese food delivery and ended the call with "okay, I love you, bye!" Since that's how I ended my frequent phone calls to my dad who lived across the country.

Fundle_Grudge · 2 points · Posted at 03:41:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old boss ended every phone call with I love you regardless of who he was talking to. He was awesome:

kharmatika · 2 points · Posted at 17:24:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I watched my history teacher call a plumber for the school (he was also an admin), at the end of the phone call, he goes “okay love you, honey.” He hangs up and looks around like “what?” We told him and got to watch all the blood drain out of his face

ReginaldDwight · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's like the adult version of calling your teacher "mom."

TheGamingGuma · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is how I end every phone call

SkullCreekVol · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my mom one time and, while waiting for her to answer, I was thinking about something I needed to call my wife about. When my mom answered the phone, I responded with "Hey babe".

ItsRobbyy · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Please be a man in his 50s Please be a man in his 50s Please be a man in his 50s Please be a man in his 50s Please be a man in his 50s

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

manny_goldstein · 5 points · Posted at 03:55:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a pause and then she just said "ok, talk to you later". She was a great manager and we got along well, which I guess is why I felt so comfortable on the phone with her that I forgot who I was talking to. She never mentioned it and there was never any awkwardness afterwards.

CrochetedKingdoms · 1 points · Posted at 03:50:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you didn’t do what I did and go “Oh fucking goddamnit” and hung up the phone lol

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "love you bye" To the pizza delivery guy once.

Mrs-Mahan · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my co-teacher Mr. Mahan. That's my last name :/

Sweet_eboni · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done this several times. One time I was talking to my now husband when we first started dating. When getting off the phone I said, “bye love you”, realizing what I did I frantically hung up. Months later my mother did the same thing to his mom, when they ended their call. He has not let us live that down 7 yrs later, smh.

redandpurpleunicorns · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that. Hung up on her saying "love you! Bye!" She walked into work a few hours later (she works from a home office and pops into the showroom where I am) and was still laughing and just said "love you bye!" As a greeting. I was mortified and laughing at the same time.

WalropsHunter · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's been a long week and long month. Good times at work but just tiring days. We were all kind of just closing up shop today everyone in a good mood and the new guy sets his stuff down and turns around walking straight toward me. I thought "oh he's going for a hug" he says "welp gotta clock out!" then I thought WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE WANT A HUG!!!!

Press-A · 1 points · Posted at 10:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Americans say 'love you' in such a standard way that it doesnt even come across as if you mean it. Its just standardized, like saying bye. Seems so weird to me.

0897867564534231231 · 0 points · Posted at 01:44:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well...did he say it back?

manny_goldstein · 2 points · Posted at 03:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, there was an awkward pause, and then she said, "um, ok, talk to you later", and then I realized what I had done.

arndta · 2292 points · Posted at 01:04:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a teenager, I worked at McDonald's. My McDonald's was 24 hours and, during the summer, I worked the overnight shift. My sleep schedule would get all messed up.

My parents woke me up for dinner one evening. I zombie walked to the table and sat down. My dad asked me to say grace. I bow my head and say, "thank you for choosing McDonald's, may I take your order?"

mackenzie_97 · 299 points · Posted at 04:33:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After working a loooong shift on register, I stopped at a corner store on my way home. When checking out, I went up to the cashier and said “did you find everything alright today? (That was always my 1st or 2nd line at work)

JayCartwrightsGirl · 45 points · Posted at 05:44:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was their reaction?

mackenzie_97 · 27 points · Posted at 14:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She said “huh?” And I said “never mind” and hurried out of the store lol

Aerakii · 20 points · Posted at 19:21:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You made her rethink whether she was at work or not.

[deleted] · 99 points · Posted at 09:00:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Zombie_Pigdragon · 2 points · Posted at 17:31:57 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goddammit.

WrittenInTheStars · 87 points · Posted at 04:48:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the one of the funniest in this whole thread

AzraeI_Awoken · 125 points · Posted at 04:49:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gotta say I’ve read all of these and this one made me laugh the most. I just imagine a very serious silence then you quietly saying that.

What was the response?

arndta · 157 points · Posted at 04:53:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember being very embarrased, my mom laughing uncontrollably, and my dad trying to keep a straight face while still laughing. I think he was embarrassed for me.

Crony512 · 63 points · Posted at 05:34:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at McDonalds for about 8 months, pretty much exclusively nights. I’d get home and try to sleep and I’d still be taking orders practically asleep.

“quarter pounder w/ cheese no pickles, will that be all?”

It’s honestly quite terrifying but I’m glad I am not alone.

ocean-in-a-pond · 15 points · Posted at 12:00:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a student job working at h&m years ago, I was still folding clothes and hearing the store music in my sleep.

Astilaroth · 35 points · Posted at 10:14:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not religious but this makes me hope there is a god, he heard you and you made him laugh really hard.

dorothybaez · 22 points · Posted at 13:48:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm religious. I like to think my life's purpose is to provide comedic relief for God. That's the only explanation I can think of for some of the crazy shenanigans I've gotten into.

Jrme1315 · 24 points · Posted at 05:44:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Amen

fachero18 · 8 points · Posted at 06:39:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just loled in real life so hard! Thank you for sharing that!

ImmediateSplit · 8 points · Posted at 13:12:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this one should be so much higher i’m fucking dying laughing

SilverTrash2 · 6 points · Posted at 14:25:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus would like a large fries, big Mac and a diet Coke, he's watching his weight.

Not_OneOSRS · 4 points · Posted at 13:50:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have definitely finished overnight shifts and got fuel and said “good morning what can I get for you” to the guy serving me a few times. Tbh I don’t think they cared and I didn’t notice until after I’d left

isensedemons · 3 points · Posted at 14:21:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

we live in a SOCIETY

societybot · 3 points · Posted at 14:21:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BOTTOM TEXT

stepfordwannabe · 3 points · Posted at 16:54:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww man I feel you! I worked midnight's at Tim Hortons and wore a headset, thanks to sleep deprivation whenever I was at home and my landline would ring I would automatically reach to switch on my headset and say "welcome to Tim Hortons can I take your orde!" My friends and family were highly amused because this happened more often then I care to admit

CarelessCaretaker · 1 points · Posted at 16:22:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Best one lmao

karmiyashoshanna · -20 points · Posted at 04:46:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😢

RusoDuma · 36 points · Posted at 05:24:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for your contribution!

Gemmabeta · 19976 points · Posted at 21:49:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Got in my car to buy groceries and drove the 45 minutes to work.

PS. But the actually embarrassing one is when you are a homecare nurse and you walk into one of your patients home at 9pm expecting them to have milk and bread in stock.

Zharick_ · 6124 points · Posted at 22:05:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is my biggest one, my wife has to remind me constantly I'm not going to work when I drive on the weekends.

Poem_for_your_sprog · 8990 points · Posted at 23:55:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

'Remember,' he muttered,
and climbed in his car -
'You're off to the market,
you're not going far.
The market,' he mumbled,
'The market, that's it.'

He looked at his office.

He whispered: '... oh shit.'

Dooglehasen · 666 points · Posted at 00:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It's been many a moon, since I last saw you. Welcome back my friend, its good to see you again.

Edit: Maybe its me who has been gone, in which case, carry on.

Sven_88 · 100 points · Posted at 00:17:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They show up like every askreddit thread

TheReinsofFullnight · 23 points · Posted at 00:24:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haven’t seen them in a few months.

Sven_88 · 51 points · Posted at 00:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well maybe you should spend more time on here /s

shnnrr · 8 points · Posted at 03:44:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a recent post that had not one but two poems of course I cant remember the post now

Hurray_for_Candy · 18 points · Posted at 00:41:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He's been sprogging it up all over the place.

Duckbilling · 28 points · Posted at 00:17:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We wondered where the sprog had ventured

Is he on walkabout?

Is he indentured?

Has he wandered far?

Followed the road to it's end?

Long and weary, his journey has been

Anywho Sprog, great to see you again.

[deleted] · -5 points · Posted at 02:16:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 02:49:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
redditingatwork23 · 4 points · Posted at 01:16:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeaaa... Over 20 posts this week. Safe to say it's not him its you.

PirateBatman · 2 points · Posted at 03:52:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a funny thing when you've been gone, how would you know? You weren't there

Dr_Brews · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why are you talking so funny

I_creampied_Jesus · 173 points · Posted at 23:59:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I can’t write for shit

So I’ll leave it to you

freeloader798 · 31 points · Posted at 00:10:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Umm.. like THE Jesus?

IAmRedBeard · 18 points · Posted at 00:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Umm.. More like THE landscaper.

e1r4n · 5 points · Posted at 00:40:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Therapeutic

latrans8 · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now I'm just mad I didn't think of that user.

CoryMcCorypants · 0 points · Posted at 01:29:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

You may not write good sprogs, my friend...

But leave that to us; writers with quips and pens

For without you, we lack the messy and and troubled

So never leave us, our cherished beloved

....Deeply penetrated...

Creampied jesus

:D

[deleted] · -18 points · Posted at 00:13:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Apolog3ticBoner · 8 points · Posted at 00:21:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd downvote this twice if I could

VolrathTheBallin · 8 points · Posted at 01:12:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's more to a poem

than carriage returns -

The meter's important;

you can't just say, 'penis'.

One can be lewd without

being a slob -

It's nice that you tried, but don't

quit your day job.

Euchre · 6 points · Posted at 02:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Roses are red,

Violets are purple,

Some poems rhyme,

And some don't.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 01:53:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[removed]

ka-pow-pow · 2 points · Posted at 02:43:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are insufferable.

you_have_my_username · 21 points · Posted at 00:06:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I genuinely love finding you in comments.

Apolog3ticBoner · 2 points · Posted at 00:19:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just work in a grocery store. Problem solved.

BonnieJacqueline · 2 points · Posted at 06:55:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"What have I done?"

He shouted, he cried.

"This isn't the market!"

And Timmy fucking died.

SirDukeIII · 2 points · Posted at 07:45:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think this is my favorite sprog so far

BitcoinBanker · 2 points · Posted at 08:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You really are good Sprog.

poomister3 · 2 points · Posted at 10:20:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're back!!!

madnarg · 3 points · Posted at 00:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey sprog :)

freeloader798 · 4 points · Posted at 00:09:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish I had the time to write random poems in the comments. And by time I mean motivation. And by motivation I mean not so fucking lazy.

artnerd299 · 3 points · Posted at 00:26:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

reading your poems has become one of my favorite parts of going on reddit lately :)

friendlygaywalrus · 5 points · Posted at 00:26:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m finding sprogs everywhere recently

weirdxyience · 2 points · Posted at 00:51:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just re-read this in the voice of a ghost house video from film cow because of the "oh shit" at the end.

PotassiumPomegranate · 2 points · Posted at 01:35:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have seen like 4-5 of yours recently, you are on poem fire!

Akrient · 5 points · Posted at 00:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for your gift

ObexTheCat · 2 points · Posted at 02:06:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You’re my favorite thing about reddit.

MrInspectorDetective · 2 points · Posted at 00:12:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Beautiful

cescabond · 2 points · Posted at 00:16:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh damn this is beautifully accurate.

Sprog you poetic genius

m2k88 · 2 points · Posted at 00:25:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Witnessed

tmn-loveblue · 2 points · Posted at 00:36:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

‘...oh god oh fuck’

Geminiun · 2 points · Posted at 00:41:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're on fire today. My day keeps getting better and better ❤️

meowmeow138 · 2 points · Posted at 00:44:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You back and in fire!

nonstopfox · 2 points · Posted at 00:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is gold

StewieGriffin26 · 2 points · Posted at 00:59:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are a masterpiece.

astral_oceans · 2 points · Posted at 01:30:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you Sprog

pbzeppelin1977 · 2 points · Posted at 02:49:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sorry if you've been asked this a million times before (you are reddit famous after all) but what's your favourite type of poem to read and your favourite type to write?

grannysmithlinux · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You on vacation from your real life? It’s been months since I have seen you and I feel like I have seen you 4 or 5 times today alone. I’m glad you’re back.

midlothian · 2 points · Posted at 01:11:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuck off

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:43:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this account just a gold farm

you_have_my_username · 3 points · Posted at 12:51:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You could see it that way. But their poems are almost always creative, quality, and unique to the context of a single comment or thread. They seem to put a lot of effort into the account so I mean another way to see it is that they deserve all those sweet, sweet internet points

ASYMBOLDEN · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😏👌

roanoke_newbie · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We love ya Sproggy

ElizabethSwift · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welcome back! We missed you!

khakeer · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got a real chuckle out of this

stonedseals · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I must say Sprog, today I feel truly blessed. I have wondered upon your poems three times today whilst everyone is saying that stuff like it's been "so long since I've seen you sprog." Thank you thank you thank you kind sir. Your poems are an exquisite treat of browsing through this site.

DommeForSlave · 2 points · Posted at 00:12:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

17 MINUTE OLD SPROG 😃😃😃 my lucky day!!

WillMissMasterChief · 0 points · Posted at 00:04:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A fresh Sprog appears! We appreciate your service!

[deleted] · -17 points · Posted at 00:28:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

ol_crusty_socks · 12 points · Posted at 00:49:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well. That’s enough internet for you for today.

Faiths_got_fangs · 42 points · Posted at 23:37:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband has tried to take us all to work numerous times when going other places on weekends. Its like he hits a certain point in the city/on the interstate, gets distracted and boom, to the shop we go!

To be fair, he drives a fair bit for work but has to return to the shop several times a day, so its understandable that it has become his default destination. It is also very centrally located. Still, can't count the number of times we've turned the wrong way towards the shop, gotten off at the exit for the shop when we didn't need to and, worst of all, actually arrived and then gone wtf... why are we here?

veraamber · 8 points · Posted at 00:24:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean at that point you should probably be the one driving to take y’all places lol

LadyofTwigs · 6 points · Posted at 00:42:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My oldest brother would drop me off at school in winter on his way to work. I say ‘on his way’ but it was actually quite a bit of a detour for him. Twice he was heading to work with me still in the car. The first time neither of us clued in until he was getting off the freeway on the opposite side of town. The second time I realized just as he got on the freeway, so it was less turn around time.

alsomaggie · 3 points · Posted at 00:32:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this really a thing? My husband does this and it drives me crazy! I guess it’s more normal than I thought

FerretWithASpork · 1 points · Posted at 13:03:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's happened to me once in a while but if it's a regular thing that person needs to start paying WAY more attention while driving their multi-ton death machine around.

otiso_niloc · 2 points · Posted at 00:48:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens to me as well. I catch myself a lot of times, too. I can’t imagine getting all the way to work without catching myself. 8/10 embarrassing OP

ZeePirate · 2 points · Posted at 01:52:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to head home if I forget where I’m going when driving it’s funny

Pandanin35 · 2 points · Posted at 03:26:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband is a truck driver. Whenever he's driving our automatic jeep, he subconsciously drives into truck weigh stations.

m00ndr0pp3d · 3 points · Posted at 23:44:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so glad I'm not the only one

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha, this is hilarious, you must love your job

LouWaters · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
istolethisface · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My son started kindergarten and twice in the first week we got halfway to work with him in the backseat because we forgot to drop him off at the new location.

TheineandTheobromine · 1 points · Posted at 10:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once. My mom asked me to pick up a gallon of milk after school. On my way to school thought “man, I’ll be really efficient and get the milk now so I can go straight home at the end of the day.

Didn’t realize what I had done until I pulled up at the school. Stared at the milk jug in my passenger seat for at least a minute. Ended up bringing it in and asking the (laughing) administration office members if they could put it in their mini fridge until I was done with school for the day.

and_another_dude · -3 points · Posted at 00:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does she tie your shoes for you, too?

Zharick_ · 5 points · Posted at 00:17:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup, and she hides all things as edgy as your post so I don't cut myself by accident as well.

and_another_dude · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually sounds very likely.

luminous_moonlight · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gotem

kairosaevum · 1503 points · Posted at 23:10:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I did something similar some years ago. I waked up without alarm, had breakfast, took a bath and drove half hour to my work feeling great. I even thought during the way "lucky me, the traffic is very nice today", just to arrive there and to the security greet me with a "Good morning Mr. ***, working even in the holiday?"...

Edit: wrong words

KanyeeWeast · 549 points · Posted at 23:31:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who takes a bath before work ?

[deleted] · 343 points · Posted at 23:37:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, if I'm taking a bath, I'm out for an hour, minimum.

Luckywill159 · 446 points · Posted at 23:44:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username doesn’t check out it seems

CaptainDickfingers · 55 points · Posted at 00:01:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, well I dont have dicks for fingers.

Luckywill159 · 26 points · Posted at 00:01:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That we know of...

coredumperror · 6 points · Posted at 02:52:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your name is secretly Richard Fingers, isn't it, Captain?

Menos51 · 18 points · Posted at 23:51:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

He's only quick after being sqeaky clean from a nice slow bath!

I_AM_AN_ASSHOLE_AMA · 7 points · Posted at 00:11:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Baths are his kryptonite.

VentKlik · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
dicknutzz · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hes a one pump chump

PickThymes · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

you must be on autopilot, mistaking the bed for the bath.

iamthepixie · 5 points · Posted at 05:11:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same. Baths are reserved for night time only. I pass out within moments after a hot bath :)

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:40:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fortunately my bathtub is much shorter than I am tall.

pls_kangarooe · 2 points · Posted at 01:34:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

username does NOT check out

KingCarnivore · 14 points · Posted at 01:00:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Baths are more common in some countries. I lived in Russia for 18 months and my apartment didn't even have a shower, only a bathtub.

april203 · 10 points · Posted at 00:14:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a chick if I’m rushing to get ready and just want to rinse off/shave, it’s way easier to run a low bath while I’m washing/priming my face than try to cover my hair for a shower.

neurorgasm · 9 points · Posted at 00:49:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Queens, first ladies, prostitutes, and this guy

ut_pictura · 4 points · Posted at 07:14:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

I_creampied_Jesus · 28 points · Posted at 00:02:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m guessing English isn’t his mother-tongue

That said, I enjoyed “the transit is very nice today”.

kairosaevum · 25 points · Posted at 00:11:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, but I meant to say bath and not a shower.

GolfBaller17 · 16 points · Posted at 01:10:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The question remains: who takes a bath before work?

garibond1 · 9 points · Posted at 03:33:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In some asian countries “bath” is filling a large bucket with water then using a pitcher to pour it onto yourself, and usually the whole bathroom is equipped with floor drainage

Earth_Bug · 5 points · Posted at 01:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wonder if he really meant "luck me".

I_creampied_Jesus · 2 points · Posted at 01:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah I gave him a pass on that one.

Still made me wonder though.

wolves_hunt_in_packs · 6 points · Posted at 01:21:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think you're specifically referring to the bathtub and not shower here, but as an anecdote from here in the tropics we shower before and after work. In the morning when you wake up you definitely stink of bed sweat. After work should require no explanation, unless you want to go to sleep with the day's sweat and grime stuck to you.

UsuallyInappropriate · 2 points · Posted at 01:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kanye West. Probably.

kairosaevum · 5 points · Posted at 23:47:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I take at last 2 every day, one before going out at morning and another when I arrive home at night.

terminal112 · 15 points · Posted at 23:51:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Baths? Or showers? Two showers is fine but two baths seems like a lot of your day spent in the tub.

windowpuncher · 4 points · Posted at 01:15:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not even the time, just think of the water bill

kairosaevum · 4 points · Posted at 00:10:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

A shower does the work if the time is short, but most of the time is a bath. I think I'm just someone who really enjoy it.

terminal112 · 7 points · Posted at 00:15:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's fair. An hour in the bathtub is not any worse of a use of time than an hour watching netflix.

howarthee · 8 points · Posted at 01:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even better to spend an hour in the tub while watching netflix!

snowysnowy · 5 points · Posted at 00:12:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're not alone! Finally, I thought I was some weird ass. I absolutely have to shower before I leave the house and after I return. I wish I could do baths but the place is too small for a proper tub :(

Sparklewhores · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I only have a bathtub, no shower. So me.

fourleggedostrich · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Those of us who prefer not to stink at work?

KanyeeWeast · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What do you do while you’re sleeping that you stink?

fourleggedostrich · 3 points · Posted at 21:48:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sweat?

cmkinusn · -3 points · Posted at 00:07:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Your hair looks a lot better if you do.

Edit: I misread, yeah who takes a bath before work?

white_genocidist · 19 points · Posted at 01:44:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years ago at my first real job after college, I woke up at around 9am - half an hour after my start time at work, massively hungover, and proceeded to call my boss and leave him a voicemail in a very sleepy voice letting him know that I was gonna be very late and apologizing. I think I might have said I was falling sick as well.

By the time I got to the shower I realized that it was a Saturday.

MelarieMelarie · 9 points · Posted at 01:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time. I was going to Walmart with my friend once and like 3 whole miles after I missed my turn she goes "wow, you take a weird way to get to Walmart." It was the middle of the night, like 1am.

derawin07 · 4 points · Posted at 06:50:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"lucky me, the traffic is very nice today"

this makes it so much better hahaha

munchies1122 · 7 points · Posted at 01:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why use many word when few word do trick

relevantusername- · 2 points · Posted at 02:45:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

His English isn't great, let's all laugh. :/

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:37:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

geneticanja · 1 points · Posted at 10:02:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not everyone watches The Office or remembers the quotes.

benevolentpotato · 2 points · Posted at 09:51:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"...no." leaves

Trowawaycausebanned4 · 2 points · Posted at 02:03:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

waked up

Gnarly, bro 🤙

ihadacowman · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to work one after having been very sick for a few days. Fever, aches, headache - the sleeping in bed and lurching to the bathroom sick, not watching Netflix and browsing reddit sick.

I woke up and saw it was 7:45ish, about when I leave for work which is just a few miles across town. Must have turned off my alarm.

Rushed and got ready. It was a dreary rainy day.

When I was almost at work I saw a crowd at the local ice cream place. The lot was filled with old classic cars, just like when the car club gathers there on Tuesday nights. Hmmm, strange but hey, in the summer anything goes.

Got to work and I was the first one there? Had to unlock the door... how strange with me being late.

I like to believe it was because I was still feverish that it took me until I saw the 8:07 or whatever PM on the burglar alarm to figure out it wasn’t the next day.

EverythingIsFlotsam · -1 points · Posted at 13:43:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*woke

Mrpatatomoto · 430 points · Posted at 22:48:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the opposite. Mean to go shopping on the way home from work and then I'm home, 20 minutes from the nearest store.

MintyTS · 15 points · Posted at 00:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad and I had something to drop off at the post office after getting some stuff from Home Depot. We parked the car in our driveway, sat there for a few seconds, and at the exact same moment we looked at each other blankly and let out a "...fuck!" before starting the car and going back out.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:00:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's just forgetting to go shopping though, kinda different

MangoCats · 3 points · Posted at 01:44:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I get tired enough, I'll auto-pilot straight past all my usual turns, I usually figure it out after I pass them, but sometimes not until the next stoplight.

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 03:20:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh. I had to pick my bike up from the shop so i took the van in to work instead of the car, and when i got home from work realized i hadn't picked up the bike. That's twenty miles i'm not getting back.

coredumperror · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I prevent this by programming the store into my GPS. Reminds me to take the appropriate exit off the freeway.

Mrpatatomoto · 2 points · Posted at 03:22:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Would be smart if I ever used gps

rnykal · 1 points · Posted at 06:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i'm more like "ugh fuck shopping i just wanna get home, i'll get fast food and handle it tomorrow" then repeat

SuicidalNinja2 · 71 points · Posted at 23:23:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least I work at a grocery store

cutelyaware · 7 points · Posted at 23:58:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Livin' the dream

BaconReceptacle · 12 points · Posted at 23:53:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar once. I was supposed to be in downtown DC for a meeting one morning but I instead went on autopilot and drove to Northern Virginia where I worked (about 35 minutes). I drove right into the parking garage, started to open the door, and went "FUCK!" and sped through traffic to be about 30 min. late for the meeting.

sunburn95 · 6 points · Posted at 23:26:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep it used to not matter where I wanted to go, when I got in the car my brain would take me to my gfs or uni

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 23:53:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

imalittleC-3PO · 3 points · Posted at 23:53:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that. Also after an exhausting day at work I stuck my wallet in the fridge when I got home. Took me like 3 days to find it.

introspeck · 3 points · Posted at 01:55:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The Mummer's Parade is a big deal in Philadelphia. It happens on a Sunday, and a lot of drinking happens. My boss was mega-hung-over one Monday morning after the parade. He drove to work, took the elevator to the third floor, walked the maze of hallways, and slid behind his desk hoping no one would talk to him. Then he realized... it was his previous company, the one he'd left over a year ago.

wallflower7522 · 2 points · Posted at 23:40:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to the gym before work and it’s the same route but work is a few exits further. I’ve totally missed it and drove to work in gym clothes a couple of times.

Mariosothercap · 2 points · Posted at 00:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the opposite. Because of construction I had to take an alternate route to work, that happened to be the same way as a buddies place. As I am driving down I turn to go to my friends house and get there before realizing I was going to work.

Ihavesomethingtosay9 · 2 points · Posted at 00:34:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the first day of vacation I always wake up in a panic because I think that I over slept and “there’s no way I can make it on time from the beach!” (I live seven hours from the beach).

slikayce · 2 points · Posted at 00:36:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive past the airport on my way to work. So whenever I drop someone off at the airport I drive past the airport and towards my work.

Hurray_for_Candy · 2 points · Posted at 00:40:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Homecare clients would gladly hook you up with some milk and bread, they are always trying to give their staff food, my grandmother tried to give her homecare worker a family heirloom, then lied to my mother about it.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 23:23:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amount of times I've done this is nuts. Also, hello fellow long-commuter

willsuck4buck · 1 points · Posted at 23:31:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve had to stop myself from using the exit I get off when going to work because I live in the middle of nowhere and have to drive 25 minutes to town when I need to go shopping.

Beer-Wall · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work a schedule where I did every other Saturday. Yyyyep I drove 45 mins to work on the wrong Saturday once. This week I left for work an hour early by accident, but at least I had a shift that day.

Shawnessy · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I switched jobs shortly before I moved. On more than one occasion, I drove to my old appt from my new job.

allothernamestaken · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My son's friend spent the night, and the kid's mother was supposed to pick him up the next morning. She was really late and finally called to apologize - she had driven most of the way to work (20-30 min in the opposite direction) before realizing she was supposed to be driving to my house.

MozartTheCat · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do community behavioral health and the other day I meant to say to my client's dad "okay dad, when is a good time for our next apppointment" but I'm like 40% sure I accidentally called him "daddy"

DMala · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can remember in high school heading to school on autopilot when I was supposed to be going to work. The route to school took me on an overpass over the highway I’d be taking to get to work. I snapped out of it then, thinking, “Wait, I’m supposed to be down there.”

Clawtooth · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this, but I work in a grocery store...

Ruto_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week I was heading on my 7 minute journey from my house to work.. 30 minutes later in the complete opposite direction my brain knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out why it was taking so long to get to my destination. 5 minutes or so later work called me and asked where I was, that's when I clicked... Told them I was running really late instead of owning up as I drive for a living and probably wouldn't hear the end of it.

No idea where I thought I was taking myself, would of been interesting to see where I stopped.

LinksFirstAdventure · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a home carer, autopiloted to a clients house that I didn’t work for anymore cos I had to drive the same way to the client I was actually going to... realised as I pulled into the driveway that I was at the wrong house

gamepro955 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once but worse. I had to head to university from work and instead auto-piloted home. Once I realized my mistake I turned around (home is north of work and university is east). However, instead of going to university I went to work. After heading back home on my third auto-pilot of the trip I decided class was not worth this effort.

krystalBaltimore · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have totally done this!! More times than I want to admit...

Mic_Check_One_Two · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to drive a company van for work... I took the van home by accident after work, instead of stopping by the office to drop it off and get my personal car. I did this several times.

PUBGfixed · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

glad this happens to other people as well. Wanted to drive to a friend, and i filled my gas where i fill it before i go to uni.... thats how i ended up at my uni, on saturday... that literally is on other direction on the same Autobahn..

kathysef · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg i did that. I got dressed drove to work for my shift. Sat at my desk then my co worker came in " aw kathy its my night to work, not yours, its tuesday don't you work wednesday" i could of crawled under the desk.

DreadPiratesRobert · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was going to a friend's house for a big group hangout. I get halfway to work and realize he lives in the opposite direction.

Tenareth · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar, a co-worker and I hopped in the car to grab lunch and were talking... Suddenly he looks around and was like "Uh, why are we on the highway?"

The way to the restaurant went past the exit I hop onto the highway for home, so while distracted I just went into auto-pilot.

Inloveforever · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank god I work in a grocery store...

BlackjackCF · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this so many times. And just been like - welp, I guess I’ll go grocery shopping around work.

kalel_79 · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my friends told me about the first day back to work after moving to a new home, (a completely different direction from where we worked compared to his old home) that he drove all the way to his old home, parked in the driveway, and started to get out of his truck before realizing he didn’t live there anymore.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:12:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's kinda freaky how driving puts me on auto pilot mode. Like how did I get here? I don't really recall driving all the way here.

But I did. I just zone out when driving to places I've been to a 100 times

percocet_20 · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dads house is off the same exit as my work, only a right instead of a left. Very embarrassing to pull in to work on a Saturday afternoon when your supposed to be visiting your dad

kingeryck · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left the grocery store, put the food in the back and then walked around to the passenger side of my own car and got in. I went alone and I drive 99% of the time I go somewhere.

19wolf · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car was in the shop for a day, so my girlfriend was driving me to work. We got to the grocery store before we realized our mistake.

Funny thing is my work is closer than the grocery store and in the other direction.

sharpiefairy666 · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m regularly trying to unlock my house with my work keys. Funny how it never goes the other way.

KB_Turtle · 1 points · Posted at 17:09:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was visiting my SO's family in our home town last year, and I don't remember where we were trying to go, but I took a series of highways and exits on autopilot and ended up next to where I worked before we moved states. The work commute habit is real.

holyfatfish · 0 points · Posted at 23:59:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was there a snow storm or something

[deleted] · -7 points · Posted at 00:05:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[removed]

Jyaketto · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woah

1nd1anaCroft · 916 points · Posted at 23:53:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was parked in a grocery store lot, looking at my phone when I saw movement in my peripheral vision. I drive a manual, so the anxiety of forgetting the ebrake is constant. I started frantically pressing the foot brake and pulling on the ebrake (which was engaged), it took me a second to realize that it was the car next to me pulling out, not me drifting out of my spot. I looked over and the driver was giving me a pure 'The Fuck?' look.

kamaln7 · 81 points · Posted at 01:09:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahah this happened to me once and it was so disorienting! Weird feeling right?

1nd1anaCroft · 62 points · Posted at 02:38:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So fucking odd because you brain insists you're moving. That's what didn't compute and even though the ebrake was fully up I kept on pulling

InSearchofaStory · 19 points · Posted at 05:35:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me too! I had just pulled into a parking spot and put on the e-brake when suddenly I was going backwards, and pressing my foot on the brake did nothing. It was the weirdest feeling when I realized I hadn’t been the one moving, and it was just the car next to me pulling out.

koinu-chan_love · 5 points · Posted at 09:36:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And you start to panic because your brake isn’t working!

ThndrEagleFalconBird · 23 points · Posted at 01:49:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving home one night in my old shit box manual truck a motorcycle a street over was matching my every shift and acceleration. Took me bit to figure out my truck wasn't dying as I drove.

TheLazySmith · 17 points · Posted at 05:11:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled into a parking lot and slowly pulled my pickup into a much more narrow parking spot than I generally like sandwiched between two much nicer cars when suddenly I was moving forward and about to hit the car in front of me and getting closer to my neighbor on my driver side. Started panicking and slamming my feet on every brake and pedal I could reach and slammed it into reverse. Then my girlfriend started laughing and I realized that my pickup was off the parking brake was jammed as far as it would go down and the car next to me was almost done backing up and I was almost having a panic attack.

BatteredRose92 · 6 points · Posted at 07:36:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I saw a guy get out of his car once and then had to chase it back because he forgot the ebrake and it was going backwards. He had locked it and everything.

ninetales0317 · 7 points · Posted at 08:05:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That has happened to me so many times that one time my car was actually rolling back and I just assumed it was the car next us moving. Thankfully my coworker was with me, and asked why the car was rolling back. I sometimes forget my ebreak sucks on that car and I need to leave it in gear.

everyonesmom2 · 5 points · Posted at 02:08:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done that.

Gypsy_Sparks · 5 points · Posted at 05:56:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this at least one a week, especially at stop lights when people start creeping forward and I’m zoned out

EllPeas · 2 points · Posted at 08:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I HATE when that happens. I don't drive a manual but when some backs out while I'm parked next to them it gives me really bad motion sickness. Happened at Walmart once and I had to sit in my car for a long time before I could get out and go shopping.

Then again, I get motion sickness really easily. Backing out of my driveway. Elevators. Escalators. Ferris Wheels....

koinu-chan_love · 1 points · Posted at 09:35:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s the weirdest feeling! I first noticed it when I drove a manual, too.

ultimamc2011 · 1 points · Posted at 09:54:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens to me a few times a year at least.

JpMehh · 1 points · Posted at 09:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This exact thing happened to me at the start of my driving test, confused the everloving fuck out of me, examiner had an odd look until I explained what I was doing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:23:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

killercarpenterbee · 1 points · Posted at 13:16:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Emergency brake, parking brake, hand brake.

BiggestFlower · 1 points · Posted at 13:16:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aka handbrake, presumably.

astromouth · 1 points · Posted at 13:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

was in the back seat once when this happened to my dad it was wonderful to watch

easyentry · 1 points · Posted at 15:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My coworkers did the same, but one of them intentionally let his semi start rolling to get the other guy to freak out. Happens all the time when you are driving an 80,000lb truck with air brakes.

NachoManSandyRavage · 1 points · Posted at 16:59:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time. It's always disorienting when you're in a manual and the car next to you starts backing out as soon as you shut off the car.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 19:29:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This anxiety is my entire life

cebeezly82 · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LMAO,

brandosm · 692 points · Posted at 00:29:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the grocery store using the self-checkout. I scanned over $150 of items, bagged everything, took my items and left without paying.

Only while unpacking everything at home, I realized what happened . After calling my credit card company to confirm, I repacked everything up, and returned to the grocery store to checkout. Again.

clankton · 241 points · Posted at 03:47:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sound like a good, honest person

cmk212 · 45 points · Posted at 06:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What happened when you got back to the store?

brandosm · 99 points · Posted at 06:57:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Absolutely nothing. No one questioned me bringing in a bunch of groceries and rescanning them. It was crazy

BatteredRose92 · 37 points · Posted at 08:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're lucky you didn't have the cops called. I worked in a grocery once and we had someone take off with not one, but TWO full carts of groceries. But they actually meant to take them. Nobody noticed for a while.

Khanati03 · 30 points · Posted at 12:15:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to buy formula from a store with a coupon. It wasn't working so I went to the service desk. There was a miscommunication and I walked out without finishing the transaction. The lady chased my down like I robbed the place.

suzy9mm · 14 points · Posted at 09:03:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If nobody noticed for a while how did they end up getting caught? Someone watching the cameras later?

BatteredRose92 · 18 points · Posted at 09:08:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I honestly have no idea. All I know is one of the shift leaders randomly asked me if I saw someone walk out with two carts of groceries without paying like an hour ago. It was really busy so I didn't. I've always kinda wondered this one myself but I was slammed so never really had the time to ask.

nadsulpia · 11 points · Posted at 10:36:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

From my experience if a person knows it is easy to steal from a certain store they will do it quite often. They probably came back and were seen.

nadsulpia · 16 points · Posted at 10:34:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It is insane how much people can get out of a store without paying before anyone really notices. I’ve never stolen anything but after working in a couple stores I think I would know how to do it quite easily without getting caught.

chaosnanny · 4 points · Posted at 06:06:21 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just put something on the bottom of the cart. I've accidentally walked out with things dozens of times and never once been stopped.

SeattleBrad · 23 points · Posted at 07:15:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And this is why cheese is $14/lb.

UnsureTaco · 5 points · Posted at 00:22:54 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lawful Good

SadQueen19 · 3 points · Posted at 08:35:02 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are a more honest person than pretty much everyone else on Reddit.

NotTheBadOne · 5 points · Posted at 21:49:22 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went in to the grocery store to get a bottle of wine. I grabbed a cold root beer to drink while looking for my favorite wine, which they were out of. Disappointed, I walked out of the store without paying for my root beer. Got all the way home (20 miles one way) before it dawned on me what I'd done.

I drove all the way back to pay for a $1.49 soda. I've had several people tell me I was crazy for doing that. They all said "The grocery store didn't KNOW or care about a measly $1.49." I replied to them all the same way - "I KNEW I took it even if the grocery store people didn't. That was enough to send me back to pay for it."

brobronn17 · 31587 points · Posted at 22:15:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Undressing to shower, I threw my underwear into the toilet instead of the laundry and flushed it.

DeepBreathing4Me · 10374 points · Posted at 22:58:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was six/seven years old, I was getting ready for a bath. My parents had already filled the tub and all I had to do was take off my clothes and put them in the basket of dirty laundry. Took everything off and threw it all in the tub. Stood there and stared for a solid thirty seconds.

FredericChopin · 2886 points · Posted at 00:31:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

that solid thirty seconds is actually also a soiled thirty seconds.

Kevin_Malone11 · 81 points · Posted at 02:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took me like a solid 30 seconds to read this correctly

[deleted] · 26 points · Posted at 04:32:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It took me a soiled 30 seconds to get a washrag.

ElementLeonpiper · 2 points · Posted at 21:41:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took me 30 seconds to stop laughing.

benevolentpotato · 4 points · Posted at 09:44:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And a soggy 30 seconds

ImpossiblePackage · 170 points · Posted at 00:58:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

all around me are familiar faces

ahester0803 · 28 points · Posted at 02:09:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All around me are familiar feces.

FTFY

Ostigle · 11 points · Posted at 02:12:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Beat me to it dammit

obtundress · 7 points · Posted at 02:37:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cue tears for fears on repeat in my head now lol

RedBanana99 · 5 points · Posted at 04:03:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Donnie Darko Soundtrack – Mad World Lyrics

All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for the daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrows No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday, happy birthday And they feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello, teacher tell me whats my lesson Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very mad world, mad world

Enlargen your world Mad world

Ninja edit: Enlargen is my new favourite word

Krohlia · 35 points · Posted at 01:33:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about the same age, my sister was taking care of me while our parents were out of town. Before bedtime, I always took a bath and she had drawn one for me. Got undressed, put my foot over the ledge, and was two inches away from touching water when I realized I was still wearing my socks.

Naturally, the moment could not pass without my sister cackling at the absurdity and my little face turning bright red.

Ry-Bread01256 · 15 points · Posted at 02:50:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened to me but I stepped in with my socks.

Like stepping on water in the kitchen times 100.

[deleted] · 42 points · Posted at 00:32:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

LeadSky · 19 points · Posted at 01:38:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this too!

Another time when I was getting ready for a bath I stepped in the tub, sat down, and realised I still had all my clothes on. It was a very wet dirty laundry basket after that

S1rPsychoS3xy · 16 points · Posted at 01:40:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was around 8, I thought our shower had run out of cold water. I guess I was just turning the knob the wrong way.

thesituation531 · 10 points · Posted at 01:56:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's what she said

3oons · 14 points · Posted at 03:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was little, my dad woke me up to go to pee. I got up, went to the bathroom, and the next thing I remember my dad saying was 'hey! what are you doing??".

I was standing on my toes - peeing in the washing machine.

Pervy-potato · 9 points · Posted at 04:00:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same age! Jumped in the shower after taking everything but my underwear off. Something didn't feel right and I stood there for the longest time wondering what it was.

1plus1equalsgender · 25 points · Posted at 00:40:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't breathe

even_without_context · 14 points · Posted at 01:25:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...until you're standing next to me

cleverlasagna · 13 points · Posted at 01:34:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

nice username

Nippelz · 7 points · Posted at 03:32:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up late in the night to go pee as a child, didn't turn on the light, peed in the hamper, went back to bed as if nothing went wrong. I even lifted the cover and still didn't realize it wasn't the toilet... I didn't make the connection until my older sister was screaming in the morning that her clothes smelled like pee.

Ry-Bread01256 · 4 points · Posted at 02:49:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar where I took everything but my socks off and stepped in.

Like stepping on water in the kitchen times 100.

-Pixelate · 5 points · Posted at 04:36:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar to this recently. I was running a bath and was sat on the side absentmindedly looking at something on my phone. When the bath was run enough I put down my phone, turned off the tap and got in - fully dressed, took a moment to even notice.

dreadnaughtfearnot · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar situation as a kid, but I threw my clothes in the laundry hamper, climbed in the big old clawfoot tub, and realized I left my socks on

lofi76 · 2 points · Posted at 05:42:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mom of a seven year old and I could totally see him doing this. At that age kids are baffled by autopilot.

lonely_nipple · 2 points · Posted at 06:10:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got into the tub at about 5 years old with my underwear and undershirt on. Didnt realize what I'd done till mom laughed at me and asked if I forgot something.

eeg97 · 2 points · Posted at 06:39:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got into the bath at that age then realised I hadn't actually taken my pyjamas off.

WiseAvocado · 2779 points · Posted at 00:30:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and casually just got in the shower. It took me about 5 minutes before I realized what just happened

RadeonChan · 212 points · Posted at 02:04:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kinda did this the other week. I went home to eat lunch, and went to use the bathroom before I drove back. Next thing I knew, I was about 90% of the way into the shower before I realized I had to be back in like 15 minutes lol.

[deleted] · 67 points · Posted at 03:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

RadeonChan · 70 points · Posted at 04:35:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I seriously thought about just taking it anyway. But then I thought that if it looked like I took a shower on my break, people would have thought I shit myself or something.

BEezyweezy420 · 24 points · Posted at 05:34:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

just tell everyome you took a nooner

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 20:11:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you get my PM?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[deleted] · 59 points · Posted at 02:07:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

_enuma_elish · 21 points · Posted at 03:15:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in my brother's trashcan one night.

BladeGustVexilloBall · 5 points · Posted at 04:24:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait that was you‽

helensis_ · 7 points · Posted at 08:34:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you copy and paste that interrobang or do you have a shortcut?

BladeGustVexilloBall · 3 points · Posted at 08:41:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shortcut. In AnySoftKeyboard

Rusty_Shunt · 40 points · Posted at 03:14:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband does this all the time when he sleep walks. I'll hear him in the bathroom, the shower curtain opening, then silence. Then the curtain will open and he will come back to bed. I will take that over peeing in the closet (only happened once)!!!!!

Pervy-potato · 35 points · Posted at 04:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I play with the oven when I'm tired. Have pulled the knobs off a couple times and woke up one morning with an oven rack in my bed. That's probably not very safe.

Rusty_Shunt · 3 points · Posted at 04:05:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of stepbrothers. Pillows in the oven. Purse in freezer. "Kil toe py!"

katieabrego · 8 points · Posted at 04:49:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had something a bit similar happen. I got up one afternoon after a nice nap, went to pee, and after I washed my hands I just started brushing my teeth. I didn't realize my mistake until I was halfway through.

HelmSpicy · 7 points · Posted at 04:33:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe that's what I was trying to do...after a night of heavy drinking a summer night home from college I woke up(unblacked out) taking a shower. My mom was knocking at the door asking what I was doing as it was like 3am. I had no idea what I was doing, but I managed to explain I didn't want to shower in the actual morning.

GenderMage · 5 points · Posted at 05:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once had a dream about getting ready for school and woke up at 1 am in the shower. I went back to bed and haven’t sleepwalked since.

mxcargot · 5 points · Posted at 06:23:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got in the shower w a bra on once. just...forgot to take it off ?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this but with my underwear before.

bambam_delfuturo · 4 points · Posted at 06:47:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother did this once when he was maybe 6 or 7. Mum and dad heard the shower in the middle of the night and went to see what was going on. Little brothers just standing there fully clothed and fast asleep haha

Shortney_ · 3 points · Posted at 02:59:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this one.

WillFord27 · 3 points · Posted at 07:38:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you a Sim?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this!

AwesomeGuyAlpha · 2 points · Posted at 10:40:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The same happened to me but I was very young at the time and I realized what I was doing when the water touched me and it was about 2:00 am and I suddenly got so scared that I took my clothes back on and went back into my bed in just seconds

jmdxsvhs15 · 2 points · Posted at 11:51:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do this as a kid. It was weird. I would sleep walk and take a shower. The only way I could personally tell it happened that night was that I would put the towel I used over my pillow and go back to sleep. I have no idea how I never woke up.

Nebulae_Divinity · 85 points · Posted at 00:07:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man ok so I brush my hair before I shower just to make things go smoother, and I've almost thrown away my underwear more times than I can count when I'm trying to throw out a hairball

brobronn17 · 51 points · Posted at 00:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Something about bathrooms & the anticipation of enjoyable shower makes people absent-minded

Nebulae_Divinity · 34 points · Posted at 00:33:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very true. Thankfully it's not quite as bad as the time my dad threw his entire hairbrush AND HIS DEODORANT into the cat's litter box. For some reason he didn't register what he did the first time and did it again

Euchre · 6 points · Posted at 01:59:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And now I'm not sure which hair you were brushing.

Nebulae_Divinity · 9 points · Posted at 02:55:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Head hair. I put the ball on the counter, went to take my clothes off, suddenly remembered about needing to throw the hair ball away, took my underwear off, grabbed the hair ball in one hand and my underwear in the other, planning to put the undies in the laundry basket next, and then almost threw them out instead of the hair.

daellin · 44 points · Posted at 01:08:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Something similar I read in a similar thread: dude ran out of toilet paper on the hanger, so he gets a fresh one, tears a piece, wipes, then throws the whole roll into the toilet.

usernamedunbeentaken · 13 points · Posted at 02:34:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one is cracking me up. Did he stick the soiled piece on the roller?

I can just see someone, as their toilet overflows, looking at the wet floor, roll-clogged bowl, and the turd smeared tp on the roller, thinking "what the fuck??" as they slowly gain realization of what they did.

thesituation531 · 10 points · Posted at 01:58:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Admittedly, I've done this probably twice now

max_adam · 70 points · Posted at 01:16:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cooking and dicing some tomatos, when I ended cutting them I throw it to the garbage can. My brain was processing it for a few seconds.

brobronn17 · 54 points · Posted at 01:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Omg, this reminds me 😂 similar story. I once made delicious berry/fruit-infused water. Later I took a colander and drained it. I stared at the soggy berries & pieces of fruit in the colander for some time.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 01:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this one far too many times haha

Naidemoc13 · 55 points · Posted at 01:22:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You usually throw your laundry into the toilet?

InfinityCat27 · 56 points · Posted at 02:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Ah, the ol’ Reddit laundaroo.

[deleted] · 29 points · Posted at 21:47:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hold my cock, I'm going in!

EeryRain1 · 5 points · Posted at 10:22:42 on January 2, 2019 · (Permalink)

Uhmm...no....but thanks

gwaydms · 3 points · Posted at 04:26:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd been laughing and this video brought me to tears. Thanks so much ;)

SkinnySmokesThaRosin · 20 points · Posted at 01:57:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me when I was about 10 . I used the toilet and when I finished I discarded my underwear into the toilet and flushed. I watched in shock how my favourite underwear was sucked away and just stood there. I've never confessed it to anyone.

redheadedalex · 18 points · Posted at 01:20:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best one. I'm fucking dead. You're wet, naked, and feel like a dumbass. Great combo

porkchop2022 · 15 points · Posted at 01:42:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, if I had a dollar every time I did this exact thing after working a 12 hour shift, I’d have $3.

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 02:04:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

wggn · 16 points · Posted at 02:37:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now they are tide pods

nummakayne · 26 points · Posted at 01:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you didn’t fling a turd into the laundry.

wggn · 7 points · Posted at 02:37:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...yet

Nesman64 · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this as a kid. Tossed my tighties into the toilet and I was peeing into the hamper when I realized something was wrong.

im-a-lllama · 10 points · Posted at 02:35:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similarly.. my son was potty training and had an accident, nothing too horrible but still fun to deal with (/s). I was attempting to salvage the underwear by dumping it into the toilet out of the underwear and then flushed, at this point my sleep-deprived brain thought it would be a good idea to kinda dangle the dirty part of the underwear into the flushing water to rinse it off? I guess that's what I was trying to do anyway.. but the obvious happened and it ended up being flushed and clogging further under the house and backing up and over flowing the toilet and backed up into the tub and everything. Thankfully my plumber father-in-law lived nearby and was able to come to my rescue (my husband was at work). Idk what he did to it all but it got pushed down and he even helped me clean up all the yuckiness. And my kid slept through it all lol

roosterjack77 · 18 points · Posted at 00:33:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one... i choked on my coffee

chitowntopugetsound · 17 points · Posted at 00:50:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"...and flushed it". BAHhahaha

basketballbrian · 1 points · Posted at 08:09:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm having a hard time believing he actually flushed it without realizing.

Then again I've done some stupid shit on auto pilot

dfn85 · 7 points · Posted at 02:25:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to have to help my younger cousin get ready for baths. I’d run the water while he stripped, and then leave him alone to do his business, but stay close by with the door open just in case. Well one day, he actually kept his underwear halfway on while pooping- he’d usually completely disrobe for this. Toilet flushes, he decides it would be funny to kick his underwear off one foot. Up, up they fly and miraculously land in the toilet. ZOOP, down they go.

Years later, we had the septic tank pumped, and the guys doing it laughed their asses off when they found his chonies.

JAproofrok · 16 points · Posted at 01:29:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oooof. But, have you ever put shampoo on your toothbrush or toothpaste into your hair?

Done did both of those acts ..... I don’t brush in the shower any longer.

UnderPantsOverPants · 5 points · Posted at 03:58:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, a nice pump of hand soap on the toothbrush is my favorite way to ruin a morning.

TryingToFindLeaks · 7 points · Posted at 01:24:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Somewhere there's a wastewater tech cursing your name cos he has to lift a pump.

Oh well. Overtime.

ExplodingAngel · 7 points · Posted at 01:44:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar except I kept my socks on when I got in the shower and didn't realize until I was washing my hair. Not my proudest moment...

hufusa · 7 points · Posted at 02:04:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making some sandwiches the other day and when I was done with the bread i wrapped it all up and threw the bag of bread into the trash

CucumberGod · 6 points · Posted at 02:39:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol, similarly once I accidentally wiped myself with my underwear

BrendanTheHippy · 7 points · Posted at 03:18:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

“You flushed your shoes?! Why would you do that?!” It’s an anxiety thing Charlie! Every body is moving so fast it freaks me out! Flushing things gives me control”

themooseiscool · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:13 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Excuse me, I gotta use the toilette."

floatingwithobrien · 11 points · Posted at 01:17:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I needed the bathroom, and I walked into my bedroom and started pulling down my pants before looking around and realizing there was no toilet in that room.

thesituation531 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This would've been a funnier comment if you hadn't realized there wasn't a toilet

floatingwithobrien · 4 points · Posted at 02:50:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shucks I'll do better with my next mishap

GeneralMeme1 · 5 points · Posted at 01:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one got me

DirtyyyWork · 5 points · Posted at 01:29:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg, was it retrievable?

brobronn17 · 17 points · Posted at 01:40:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

No haha. A split second before it disappeared forever I realized what's happening. I gasped what sounded like "owhowwah!", but it was too late.

istolethisface · 9 points · Posted at 02:01:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Even the Owhowwah couldn't call them back?!

MothFaery · 6 points · Posted at 02:17:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God that makes it even better, just SHOOM and they're gone

tmotom · 5 points · Posted at 01:38:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like when you throw away the fork

pokexchespin · 5 points · Posted at 01:45:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar, when I was ~7, I decided to get dressed while taking my morning piss to save time. One day, I had just flushed and immediately went to pick up my socks, only to drop them in the still flushing toilet

brobronn17 · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg lol 😂

PrussianAzul1950 · 3 points · Posted at 01:28:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh. Thank you for sharing.

Mic_Check_One_Two · 3 points · Posted at 01:14:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m half convinced that my socks go missing because I threw them away instead of throwing them in the hamper. And since it’s such an absentminded thing, I wouldn’t even notice it when I’m doing it. It’s only later, when I’m doing laundry and somehow come up with an odd number of socks.

leandroc76 · 3 points · Posted at 01:44:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This here is the funniest of them all!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:03:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That must have been some dirty ass underwear for your brain to just go "fuck it dude just flush the whole thing"

fuckamalltodeath · 3 points · Posted at 02:12:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Multiple times I've gone to pee at night and unthinkingly stripped naked as if I was gonna shower.

Deftek · 3 points · Posted at 02:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents never tire of telling me about the time that I woke up once, about 6 years old, in the middle of the night, and casually walked into my parents bedroom and proceeded to take a piss right into the laundry basket. It was an almost identical route to the bathroom, just with a left turn instead of a right.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:22:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really it's the fact that you flushed that makes this so funny.

bluerose1197 · 3 points · Posted at 02:49:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About 3 years ago my entire family went on a cruise. This included my sister and her 4 kids the youngest of which was 2. My husband and I are coming back to our room and my oldest nephew runs out excited to tell us about how his mom flushed his sister's underwear down the toilet. Turned out my niece had an accident and my sister did what she always does and goes to rinse them out in the toilet, flushing it to get the water moving to remove the poop. Well, a cruise ship has toilets much like an airplane where there isn't a lot of water but there is a lot of sucking and the underwear were sucked from her hands and down the toilet.

This was not the end of the story though. The underwear clogged the toilet so they had to have a maintenance guy come and unclog it. He had to remove a panel in the wall and retrieved them. He asked my sister if she wanted them back. She was so embarrassed and didn't know what to say so she just took them back.

TheBeardedSingleMalt · 3 points · Posted at 02:57:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had such a solid routine for the first 2 years of working after college, living by myself, that one day I deviates just a bit and was halfway to my car in the driveway when I realized I didn't have slacks on. I was wearing a full button down with a tie...no pants.

xombae · 3 points · Posted at 21:21:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can just picture you standing there stairing into the toilet wondering where you went wrong in your life to end up at this point.

brobronn17 · 3 points · Posted at 21:26:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, I legitimately felt like I glitched. You know, like when a videogame character does something absolutely idiotic because the game is buggy.

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 02:18:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I received a nice set of handkerchiefs last Christmas. Blew my nose, threw it in the hamper, flushed the hamper wait

G3HERO_ · 2 points · Posted at 00:33:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your not the only person that happened to... Xd

fourleggedostrich · 2 points · Posted at 01:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was intentional. You know what you did.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:36:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this so many times but with socks haha

Bananapopcicle · 2 points · Posted at 01:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have more than once gotten in the shower w either a bar and/or panties on

gwaydms · 2 points · Posted at 04:27:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What kind of bar do you wear?

bball12387 · 2 points · Posted at 02:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So how did the toilet bowl wash do? Better than a washing machine? 😂

gunswordfist · 2 points · Posted at 02:11:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am I evil for laughing?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:12:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well that's not so..

and flushed it.

Oh.

0zeyn0 · 2 points · Posted at 02:14:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the one that made me laugh, thank you!

PastHalcyonDays · 2 points · Posted at 02:14:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Might’ve been preventable if a particular lid was down.

ItsRobbyy · 2 points · Posted at 02:48:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This comment triggered a memory from 7-8 months back, when I had gotten home drunk and wanted to take a shower. I took all my clothes off and threw them in the shower and started to take the first step in the laundry basket, which made me realize that I shouldn’t be doing that. There should be no reason for my foot to go that high. Then, I made a big sigh and gathered all the clothes to the side (not even in the laundry basket), took my shower and went to my bed.

Secretlysidhe · 2 points · Posted at 02:49:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve gotten into the shower and turned on the water before realizing I was still wearing my bra.

virt1028 · 2 points · Posted at 03:30:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laundry doesn't really belong in the toilet.

thomasbar14 · 2 points · Posted at 03:56:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was on autopilot and took a shit in the bath and proceeded to climb into the toilet.

ShitJadeSays · 2 points · Posted at 04:05:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one made me actually laugh out loud, and not just that little air-out-the-nose thing.

kooshipuff · 2 points · Posted at 06:17:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes they're just beyond saving, my dude

KixStar · 2 points · Posted at 19:15:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bwahaha! The other day, I was going to do laundry. There were a couple of random things in the washing machine, but I wanted to wash towels just then, so I was taking the other stuff out of the washing machine. One was a sopping wet pair of my son's underwear. He said he was taking his clothes off to shower the night before and tossed the underpants in the toilet instead of the laundry basket that was across from the toilet.

thebestbananabread · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this with my socks once..

allisonrz · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol

Drblizzle · 1 points · Posted at 02:06:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you add "and flushed it" for comedic effect? Totally acceptable if you did. It's a great story. I just need to know.

brobronn17 · 4 points · Posted at 02:44:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No haha. I think I flushed it cuz maybe in my mind if there's something in the bowl must flush? I realized right before it disappeared what I had done and gasped a funny sound; then the panties were gone.

_dort_ · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My 4 year old regularly gets in the tun with his socks on. Sometimes his underwear too.

Kersepolis · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and covered them in toothpaste instead of soap.

BugbearPhantom · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My too

FireMemes16 · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this with a sock but didn’t flush

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually shower the evening prior so I generally never take a shower first thing in the morning. But at least once a week first thing in the morning after I get up off the toilet I start to undress entirely to get into the shower... I then have to redress immediately -.-

alyssinelysium · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you flushed cuz then there's no like "ugh is it really worth saving"

ThrowawayBlast · 1 points · Posted at 03:27:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I use the secondary toilet because the first bathroom is being used for showering, I have to put paper towel over the flush lever.

Otherwise I will, no matter how much I try and stop myself, flush the toilet and scald the person in the shower.

SugarBom6 · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least you flushed!

gtfohbitchass · 1 points · Posted at 03:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found the guy who stands up to wipe

elarkay · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I needed to replace the toilet paper roll so I took the empty cardboard roll off the holder, got a new roll out, put the empty cardboard one back on the holder, and then threw the new roll into the toilet. Yeah, not my proudest moment!

O_Zeca · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I Didnt flush but threw my socks in the toilet.

Another time I threw my sisters pants in the garbage instead of the laundry bin and only realised it happened because my mom came asking questions.

laugeba · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that with my cat

gasoline_rainbow · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got into the shower with my bra on, threw it over the curtain rod and it landed in the toilet

ne2cre8 · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this. Then almost peed into the hamper.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this with a sock one time.

justastupidfuck · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What makes this so fucking funny is that u flushed it

Nesman64 · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this as a kid. Tossed my tighties into the toilet and I wad peeing into the hamper when I realized something was wrong.

MarvinTheMartyr · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sick fuck

jfk_47 · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuckin oof.

llcoger · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting ready for bed; took my bra off and threw it in the trash instead of the hamper.

redrose5396 · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got into the shower after taking off my pants and shirt. Still wearing socks and underwear. Wtf.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hmmm, today I will..."

Branflakes1522 · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I‘ve taken a few showers with socks on

DirtyBullitt · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

First one to make me actually laugh out loud!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or undressing for a shower when you meant to just change out of your PJs for the day. "Why tf am I naked?"

[deleted] · 15449 points · Posted at 21:28:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a stop sign and waited at least a minute and a half for it to turn green.

[deleted] · 3077 points · Posted at 23:16:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once did the opposite and treated a red light like a stop sign. Realized halfway through the intersection and had an "OH FUCK" moment after running a red light, but luckily no cars were coming.

SneakersInTheDryer · 216 points · Posted at 00:14:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too. Left on red at a 4 way. My buddy in the passenger seat was like " wtf mate" cause we were on a block from the police station

[deleted] · 101 points · Posted at 00:00:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

wolves_hunt_in_packs · 47 points · Posted at 01:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, had a brainfart one evening and drove through a red. Fortunately like you I've always been a careful driver, I stopped and looked both ways before running the red. Halfway through I was like "wtf why did I drive through a red". Luckily there weren't any other cars around.

Nenry · 77 points · Posted at 00:48:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s an intersection close to my house that was a flashing red light for as long as I’ve lived there (~13 years) and it was changed to a stoplight. People still treated it like a stop sign and there were a ton of accidents. It was changed back to the flashing light a couple weeks ago, just as people were getting used to the stoplight, which just caused more accidents.

pantomath_87 · 21 points · Posted at 02:12:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus Christ...

Polar_Ted · 34 points · Posted at 23:58:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate to admit the number of times I've sat waiting for the sign to turn green.

[deleted] · 29 points · Posted at 00:39:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

did the same when I was like 17, at an extremely quiet intersection outside my high school late at night. was so terrified for a couple weeks that I'd get a letter in the mail with a court summons or a huge fine or something for running the red light.

jhra · 24 points · Posted at 00:58:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting shotgun in a transport truck the other day. Double turning lane going left with three lanes of traffic going through straight. We're a few vehicles back, lights go green for the traffic going straight but not our turn light. Vehicles in front of us just... Started going, then everyone followed them. I'm figuring out what's going on, my driver is grabbing gears so I say "should we be fucking going!?". We should not have been going. Our vehicle stopping resulted in only one lane of turning lemmings. I don't know how nobody died, the turning traffic was going across four lanes.

psivenn · 2 points · Posted at 09:03:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's apparently a common thing in some areas for the left turning cars to just fucking gun it when the light changes instead of yielding. Enough so that people expect to be able to signal their intent by flashing or something. Awfully trusting to expect that to work consistently...

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 23:50:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done this one too! It was on a 3-way intersection so in my mind since there was no oncoming traffic I was like oh yeah the red light in this situation is just a stop sign.

John_Fisticuffs · 18 points · Posted at 00:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a ticket for this extact thing when I was 17 or so.

Edit: I'm an idiot and am now remembering... It was a flashing red, and when the car in front of me went, I just followed right on through...

hauxie · 10 points · Posted at 00:48:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom did this with a sheriff right behind her

trekie4747 · 5 points · Posted at 02:03:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
wolves_hunt_in_packs · 7 points · Posted at 01:31:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oof

yParticle · 8 points · Posted at 00:53:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done that too. It's kind of practical to treat them as a 4-way stop if nobody's around, even though it's not the way the law is written. However, if the light is definitely malfunctioning (e.g. sensor didn't trip), it IS legal to treat it like a stop sign after giving it the normal time to cycle.

soulspaghetti · 6 points · Posted at 01:08:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was sitting at a red light wondering why no one was turning right because it was clear. I was halfway through the intersection when I realized that it was because we were in the left turn lane, not the right turn lane

elite_killerX · 7 points · Posted at 02:20:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife did that once, and a policeman stopped her and she was like "wtf, I did my stop properly". The policeman told her to go get some sleep.

Jonorok · 5 points · Posted at 03:13:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a light on my way home that was near a school. It was always a flashing red/yellow light except for school hours in the morning and afternoon, which I never drove.

One night I was driving home with some friends and one of them says, "I mean that's cool, I guess ."

"Huh?"

"Do you usually run red lights? I mean, no one was around, so..."

And that was the day I learned that light was reprogrammed to be a functioning stop light 100% of the time.

as_a_fake · 7 points · Posted at 03:21:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done a different opposite where I treated a stop sign (for a 4-way stop, luckily) like a light and, when I saw the person ahead of me going I just followed them through as if it were a green light. That one made me more alert for a while.

steveo3387 · 7 points · Posted at 01:59:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I treated a red light like a green light right after I started driving to work. There WAS a car coming but fortunately the driver was paying attention and nothing was damaged but my pride.

Stopplebots · 4 points · Posted at 00:24:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this today. I waited for the car to go, then went. No other cars were around for me, too.

im-a-lllama · 3 points · Posted at 02:45:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, it was my last morning of my first week of opening shift at my first job so I was on extreme autopilot. I was suprised and relieved to see no one was around to see!

princesscoldhands · 4 points · Posted at 02:46:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Semi-related, I’ve stopped at many a green light. Stay away from drugs, kids.

ninetales0317 · 3 points · Posted at 07:52:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are not alone. My partner always yells my name and I yell back WHAT. Until I realize what I did, and then I try to play it off like I stopped in the name of safety. I blame the drugs.

EvangelineTheodora · 4 points · Posted at 05:24:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done both of these, and my husband caught me twice.

What's worse is when I was pregnant, I would get red and green mixed up (not colorblind, just had really bad pregnancy brain), and ran two red lights and sat at countless other greens for a while. I had to say out loud the color of the light for a good year.

jayville74 · 3 points · Posted at 00:42:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this three different times now...

fruitsnacks4614 · 3 points · Posted at 01:19:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this too. Always in the middle of the night with no one around so, not that terrible and never been caught but still an Oh Fuck! Every time.

_lyn · 2 points · Posted at 01:19:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Totaled a car doing this.

jules083 · 2 points · Posted at 01:31:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done it a few times too. Stop, make sure nothing is coming, then go straight through the red light. Usually realize what I’m doing somewhere in the middle of the intersection.

sixtyearths · 2 points · Posted at 01:46:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you were treating it like a stop sign, it should have been safe to run the light accidentally

dan4223 · 2 points · Posted at 03:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Enonly time I aver talked my way out of a ticket was when I did exactly that.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:52:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done that. Got honked at. Didn’t get in a wreck, thank god, but how f-ing embarrassing!

And u/SneakersInTheDryer I was right in front of the police station 🤦🏻‍♀️

Trey5169 · 2 points · Posted at 05:59:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, except that I was watching the traffic instead of the red light, so I didn't go until all the traffic had driven by.

The light turned green about 4 seconds after I ran it. The car behind me was probably like "wtf bro, why didn't you run the next one too?" because it ended up behind me when I stopped at the next light.

trueoriginal · 2 points · Posted at 07:43:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this exact same thing coming back from the midnight showing of “The Dark Knight”. A friend was actually in the car with me and I was talking a bit with him about the movie and he was like “Uh, you just ran a red light”. Whoops.

ecodesiac · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there.

kenwaystache · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this the other day at a busy intersection... this light has a left turn signal that always lets you go just after the cars opposite of you go straight, and there was some pedestrians crossing the road so I was focused on the pedestrians as I slowly rolled out to turn left after all the cars had gone straight on their green light and when it was safe I turned left. At this point I saw the light being red and I was horrified with myself... I’m still kinda mad at myself for doing that...

Opiboble · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that once on my way to class to take a final. Cop was behind me, lol. Got pulled over and told him "I am sorry, I auto piloted, I am stressing over a test " he let me go with a warning thank goodness. I was more worried I was going to be late for my test. Got a solid B.

mikanee · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've almost done this. The lights near my sister's house are almost always blinking reds. Well of course, one night my sister is in the car with me, and the lights are not blinking. I almost drove through them (after the obligatory pause) before realizing they were solid. She was a little freaked out lol

BurghFinsFan · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the same thing a few months ago. I was in a state of panic thinking I was gonna cause an accident or get pulled over.

iamcts · 1 points · Posted at 04:13:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you me?

I did the same thing by accident, except I was on my motorcycle and a cop saw me do it and pulled me over.

He told me that I ran a red light, to which I responded, "No... I stopped." He just started laughing and told me he wasn't going to ticket me because he thought it was funny.

SGTree · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this with a friend following me to wherever. I had to pull over and wait until the light turned green because they weren't experiencing the same glitch.

BriefYear · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gotten pulled over for that and had no idea why he stopped me. Also this minor light by my old house would turn green one way first for a bit, then the other one would turn. Well at night (the only time I'd drive that way) the reflection of the green would make the red look green ish, so I'd go. I ran that red light daily for a year and a half

Hannahlilly9715 · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had similar thing happen to me. My SO called me while I was at a red light and the green answer button on the iPhone made me think the light turned green. Missed a t-boning by seconds.

ZWQncyBkaWNr · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this just recently. I had a red light and there was a bus crossing, so I stopped and proceeded through the red light as soon as the bus passed. Someone who had the right of way started honking and I was like bruh why you on your horn and looked over and my girlfriend was white-knuckled to the oh-shit handle yelling "THE LIGHT WAS RED!"

heiklei · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a red light about 6 months into having a drivers license, got confused and thought it was left turn on red. Thankfully it was in a smallish town and about 10pm.

Also American. In america.

hootacootnboogy · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this when I was driving at night once.. my boyfriend at the time just looked at me and asked if I realized that was a red light.. oops.

sef11996 · 1 points · Posted at 13:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom did this once! When she started to go, I was like like "uhh, that wasn't a stop sign, that was a light... " And so in the middle of the intersection she slammed on her brakes 🤦

Hot_Tub_JohnnyRocket · 1 points · Posted at 16:55:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that once. Immediately drove into a parking lot right on the other side, freaking out that I was going to immediately get pulled over and just feeling the stares of everyone else...

mannbo · 1 points · Posted at 20:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend did that when we went to the city. Right in front of a cop car. His excuse was “sorry I’m from a small town I’ve never seen traffic lights. Let off with a warning.

ChaosPheonix11 · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:55 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've definitely done that or almost dont that multiple times in the past...

inner-nette · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:57 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the downtown area of my town, most intersections are a 4 way stop but one is a stop light (slightly busier intersection) and MANY times I have treated the light like all the previous 4-way stops

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1613 points · Posted at 21:39:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Oh no! That sounds like something I’d do tbh. I’m sorry I can’t stop laughing. Was it really early or reallylate? Or was it just purely an automatic thing?

[deleted] · 600 points · Posted at 22:06:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was around 4:30 in the afternoon

MoxofBatches · 101 points · Posted at 22:47:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm going to assume he wasn't driving 10 minutes prior

[deleted] · 351 points · Posted at 22:42:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is both really late noon and very early evening. You get a pass!

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:15:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 13:10:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Adolf Hitler's birthday?

PorchFullOfMonkeys · 11 points · Posted at 00:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
GolfBaller17 · 9 points · Posted at 01:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're not OP!

te666as_mike · 3 points · Posted at 00:11:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Only 10 minutes past

Ravishing_panda · 3 points · Posted at 00:36:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out

clichebot9000 · 4 points · Posted at 00:36:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit cliche noticed- Username checks out

Phrase noticed- 460 times.

jimbojangles1987 · 5 points · Posted at 00:56:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username checks out

clichebot9000 · 6 points · Posted at 00:56:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit cliche noticed- Username checks out

Phrase noticed- 462 times.

Hugo154 · 5 points · Posted at 02:56:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Learn to count dumbass bot

Gil_Bell · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This...bot sucks dick

clichebot9000 · 7 points · Posted at 01:09:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit cliche noticed- This

Phrase noticed- 526 times.

Gil_Bell · 3 points · Posted at 01:09:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This

LazerPit · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

4:20 in the afternoon*

XarrenJhuud · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Username confirmed

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

By your username I'm guessing it's for other reasons than autopilot

Hugo154 · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plus or minus ten minutes.

Dont____Panic · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

THat 10 minute drive is a doozy...

Madhippy · 0 points · Posted at 00:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

4:20 ma men.

BurritoIsMySafeword · 0 points · Posted at 01:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

4:20 in the afternoon

FTFY

dasfunny · 2 points · Posted at 02:50:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
RRautamaa · 19 points · Posted at 00:41:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

reallylate

I'm a chemist and I can only parse this as "re-allylate", as in allylate again. Allylation is the addition of an allyl group (CH2CHCH2-, i.e. a three-carbon group with one double bond).

havron · 4 points · Posted at 03:56:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My chemist friend spent some time working with periodic acid and has actually mispronounced the name of the periodic table on more than one occasion. Naturally most of the rest of us do the opposite.

I_creampied_Jesus · 9 points · Posted at 00:03:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m sorry I can’t stop laughing.

No need to apologise. Most of us are here for a laugh. Besides, they probably wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t told them.

JuniorSeniorTrainee · 2 points · Posted at 02:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, they needed to apologize and I for one forgive them.

cafebrad · 6 points · Posted at 00:26:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this a few times , late at night though. Stop at a green and sit and wait. Just used to stopping at that intersection I guess.

JoeyJoeC · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He heard this on The Fix and decided to use it here.

shitz_brickz · 3149 points · Posted at 21:49:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Autopilot = high

Mrpatatomoto · 273 points · Posted at 22:46:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this many times 100% sober.

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 00:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never done this high, only sober.

SiliconDealer · 40 points · Posted at 22:54:39 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I believe you're running the program, Autopilot = dumb

SwansonHOPS · 14 points · Posted at 00:30:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't forget that semicolon

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 01:06:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

MacNamara_McCreary · 3 points · Posted at 01:32:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait... You aren't supposed to stop for those?? Shiiiíiiit

C9DM · 9 points · Posted at 02:09:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know you're joking, but just in case you aren't, they're to be treated as yield signs. Usually the lights crossing the opposite way will be flashing red, in which case you treat them like a stop sign.

MacNamara_McCreary · 3 points · Posted at 02:44:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly, I only see them late at night/early morning with no other drivers around and treated them like 4-way stops.

C9DM · 5 points · Posted at 04:17:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There are some where all lights will be flashing red, in that case they're to be treated like a 4 way stop.

viciousbreed · 2 points · Posted at 03:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hopefully they were joking, but I've had to correct a number of people on what flashing yellow lights mean. It's disturbing.

MilitaryFish · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't drive high.

RodneysBrewin · 198 points · Posted at 22:10:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is what I was going to say

helloedboys · 14 points · Posted at 23:33:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too but I forgot

basketballbrian · 1 points · Posted at 08:19:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What are we talking about again?

whirlpool4 · 3 points · Posted at 00:45:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

auto-high-lot

DeadeyeDonnyyy · 2 points · Posted at 01:34:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this should be the top comment

BroffaloSoldier · 2 points · Posted at 03:15:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can. Confirm.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 23:50:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The only time I drove a little bit high I 100% did this.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:32:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was high when I did this lol

Nikoli_Delphinki · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah. I remember a carnival selling the exact shirt 20 years ago.

DeadeyeDonnyyy · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went downstairs to get 1 meal out the microwave and came back with another dish of food 3 seperate times lmao had to reheat it twice too

Doc_Wyatt · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Art Garfunkel af

JoeyJoeC · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well when this joke was said on The Fix (Netflix show) it was said because he was high.

mr_punchy · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I know reddit is super against driving high, but the few times i did it, I was almost absurdly careful.

Spoang · 2 points · Posted at 00:45:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

nice dude

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:29:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

reply to this comment with "lol fixed" if you hate Jeff bezos and the U.S. government

breadfag · 3 points · Posted at 04:57:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol fixed

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:03:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

nice username

yourmans51 · 3 points · Posted at 00:33:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

was

lionpictured · 2 points · Posted at 00:47:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

high

mr_punchy · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol fixed

[deleted] · 61 points · Posted at 22:28:54 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

ThaddyG · 7 points · Posted at 23:53:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was thinking it must not have been a busy street because you'd get about 5 seconds here before you get honked at and about 15 before people just go around you.

biznatch11 · 2 points · Posted at 01:09:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm, I did the same thing and got honked at in about 5 seconds. The stop sign had a flashing red light attached to it I guess as an extra thing to make sure people notice the sign but my brain just thought red light = stop and wait for green.

link0007 · 2 points · Posted at 23:57:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

But the sign says to stop ...

SheFightsHerShadow · 51 points · Posted at 21:39:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did it?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:37:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asking the real questions.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He’s still waiting, to this day.

klleah · 29 points · Posted at 21:34:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m sorry for laughing at your stupidity.

shinysharpshot · 9 points · Posted at 00:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the opposite once in a while. Will full on stop at a green light. Really weirded out my wife the one time, she was like "are you ok?" to which I responded "I'm not sure."

meandmycat1 · 3 points · Posted at 03:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this probably about 5 times, very embarrassing! I wonder what's wrong with me every time.

csanner · 3 points · Posted at 00:09:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this

Bear_love13 · 3 points · Posted at 00:19:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this.

thehipsterhistorian · 3 points · Posted at 22:22:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Allllll the time.

FN-2814 · 3 points · Posted at 23:15:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this quite a bit

omenangel · 3 points · Posted at 23:37:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I nearly did this once, but the opposite. Came to a complete stop at a red light and had just begun to press the gas to continue on my merry way when I snapped out of it.

Kschl · 3 points · Posted at 22:41:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me. Was high though

csuf12345 · 2 points · Posted at 23:36:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

THIS

seaceepea · 2 points · Posted at 23:38:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done something similar, but while taking a tight turn, I've put on my directional signal!

Sirvixalot92 · 2 points · Posted at 23:54:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds like some dank weed

mmmahogany_ · 2 points · Posted at 00:15:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a green light once haha luckily it was like 2am so no one was around

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:30:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A bit off topic, but I did this at an actual red light. There was a bridge repair going on, so they had half of it blocked off and put up a temporary traffic light. I was so stoned that I didn't realize I had been waiting 5 minutes and a line of cars had formed behind me. Some guy had to get out his car and knock on my window to inform me that the light will never turn green if you don't pull up far enough. Which the sign immediately to my right stated.

Actually_Im_a_Broom · 2 points · Posted at 00:35:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess that’s better than when I stopped at a green light waiting for it to turn red?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hurray_for_Candy · 2 points · Posted at 00:42:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once waited at a green light for a minute and a half waiting for it to turn green.

95accord · 2 points · Posted at 01:01:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
jmblack16 · 2 points · Posted at 04:02:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this at least once a week

nineonewon · 3 points · Posted at 23:10:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that high

hippiesaurusrex · 1 points · Posted at 23:42:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've stopped at a stop light and treated it like a stop sign to make a left turn before due to autopilot.

skdubbs · 1 points · Posted at 23:43:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done the opposite. Stopped at a red light, looked both ways, then continued. 5 seconds later I realized it was a light and not a stop sign.

tanderny · 1 points · Posted at 23:47:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

All. The. Time.

SuperMommyCat · 1 points · Posted at 23:49:54 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and another guy across from me did this at a flashing red at 5am. We both just sat there waiting for it to change. I assume he was also dumbass-ing it. Or he died.

Wokanoga · 1 points · Posted at 23:50:36 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

May have done this. Consciously thinking "Man this light is taking a long while."

cutelyaware · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done it. Probably has to do with my attempts to obey all the signs. The ones I really hate are the ones that say "Clean restrooms ahead".

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:02:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like i have heard this exact story before.

suspiciouschipmunk · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve stopped at a red light in the country treated it like a two way stop, stop sign and when I saw no one was coming drove through. It wasn’t until I was through the intersection that I realized I ran a red light.

Got really paranoid the cops would come find me even through there was no one anywhere near the intersection.

chadobaggins · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve apparently run several red lights..

...according to my passengers

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If done the other certain of this a few times. Pull up to red light, check both ways, roll in through.

silver_ells · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this the other day, only realized my mistake when a cop pulled up next to me to ask if I was alright.

Definitely ended up taking a field sobriety test, and as I was completely sober (just tired), continued on my way.

happyhahn · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like ur username

mapbc · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a 4 lane road that I live by that has stoplights but otherwise looks like a freeway. But anytime I see the warning lights flashing I stop because it always means the lights are changing red to green.

But when I was on another (non-familiar) road and the warning lights were flashing I stopped. But the light was still green.

People behind me were mad as hell. But why flash the warning lights if the light isn’t changing???

crazyweirdboy · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did exact opposite to that. Stopped at red signal, took a two second pause, saw that all roads are clear and started driving

ClassBShareHolder · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sat at a stop light waiting for it to turn green while watching the opposite direction to turn red. Not really sure what happened but by the time I realized my light was green, it was turning yellow and everyone behind me was pissed.

MaddogOIF · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this late at night driving for uber way too many times. There's always a silence among the passengers as they wonder what is wrong with their driver.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uhg I often run into the opposite. I live in a large city where most intersections are 4 way stops. So many times have I almost run red lights while in the suburbs.

allothernamestaken · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Classic stoner move.

Canowyrms · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the opposite. Stopped at a red light, said out loud "My turn to go now!" and started driving. My friend was with me, and he said in an alarmed tone (rightfully so) that it's a red light and it's not my turn to go.

Didn't go very far (and actually backed up to the stop line). Good thing, since traffic was coming from both sides.

Fethah · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this way too much. I’m a great driver over all but I do this as well as stop at green lights twice? No one has ever been behind me when I’ve done it

_jerrick90 · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this too many times with blinking red lights

MyMadeUpNym · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there!!

michael_kessell2018 · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving a friend home in high school and did this and I just kept going with our conversation as we sat there until she eventually asked why I was waiting at the stop sign. I’m pretty sure I was as red as the sign after that

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the opposite. Stopped at a red light, looked both ways and proceeded to go. Got pulled over immediately. I didn’t believe the cop when he told me I did that. But then I did it again a few weeks later and caught myself halfway through the intersection.

duncan_booty · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the exact opposite once. Stopped at a ref light and proceeded forward after I came to a complete stop. Don’t drive high folks.

Schytheron · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seems I am even worse.

Had to read your comment 3 times before I could figure out what the problem was.

zombiedix · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I drove home past midnight, I almost always passed one of those flashing red light stop signs and had several nights where I treated it as a red light. Once I legit stayed there for several minutes because it was late at night and I think after seeing more than one car pause and then go, I'd realize what an idiot I was. AGAIN.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read this and was confused... then i realised...

afhiv2 · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this alot

TinyPachyderm · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once just down the road from my house. The driver behind me must’ve also been on autopilot too because we both sat for at least a minute and i didn’t get honked at.

jimbojangles1987 · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that before and also used a red light like a stop sign. Luckily it was late at night and there were no other vehicles around. Took me a block or two to realize what I did.

kasloves · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How stoned were you?

balddudesrock · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anyone who drives for a living has done this, if they have worked there long enough

Szusty · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that last week. 230am 12Hr shift. Heard a honk behind me at a 4-way stop. Looked around to see headlights behind me and then I thought "what the hell am I waiting for?" Tired brains man

francispoop · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this before. I was driving my cousin home and I guess I was too focused on our conversation until she asked what I was waiting for at the stop sign.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a green light once. Very very unsafe.

fourleggedostrich · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've stopped at a green light and waited for it to turn red before. Didn't go on the red, thankfully. Realised what I'd done, and waited for the next green.

peskeyplumber · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this with a green light once. My brother was with me too. We definitely both have some kind of attention issue

Rambo7112 · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I forgot right on red yesterday

Guiltyof___ · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a red light, looked both ways and went. My girlfriend calmly looked over at me and said,"you know the red light wasn't a suggestion. "

fluteitup · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a stop light, looked left and right, and drove right through.

Luckily it was like 2 am and no one was around.

HighnessOfCats · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am guilty of this. Or the other way around when you're at a dead stoplight, and I'll stop and almost go before I realize it's a red light not a stop sign.

STUNSLAVE · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine did this while actually being high. Cops pulled up, arrested him, impounded his car and stole his cellphone. Very not good.

stealthGW · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time, something’s probably wrong with me.

NOVA_Guy13 · 1 points · Posted at 01:45:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saw yellow light and came to a stop. Was immediately honked at. Look up to find a flashing yellow emergency/firehouse light.

Whoops.

Bunzilla · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did this recently on my 4th 12 hour overnight shift in a row. Rather embarrassing when someone beeped and I held my hands up in a “what do u want me to do?!” gesture.

steveo3387 · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am truly amazed at the number of people who have done this. Amazed, and frightened.

IHadACatOnce · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this at a green stoplight because I knew it had to turn green before I could go. I'd stayed up almost all night studying for exams and usually caught this particular light when it was red.

JoeyJoeC · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I heard this on The Fix too.

CinderGazer · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My best friend and I did this on two Saturday's in a row at the same intersection probably around the same time. We frequently played pool back then and would be on our way home at like 12-2am. We both said to each other after going through the light, "Hey, you know you just ran a red light right?"

smelltogetwell · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love this one. If I still drove you can bet this would be me.

alpacapicnic · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my hands under non-automatic paper towel dispensers and wait for them to dispense

DumbPondFarms · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit this happened to me, except it was extra embarrassing because there was a guy behind me that beeped and yelled something oit his window at me. I smartly replied "it's RED asshole!" He says "stop signs usually are dumb ass!" Dumb ass indeed. In my defense it was a southern July after a 10 hr outdoor work day.

Mojovb · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I quite frequently turn on my blinker when entering a curve on a road. Why?! I have also treated red lights as stop signs. Looked, it's clear, start through the intersection and then start yelling at myself "what are you doing?!".

peteygooze · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some rural 4 way stops around here have a flashing red so people see it and stop, my best friend failed his driving test sitting at it waiting for it to turn green.

agrapes322 · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the opposite. Stopped at a green light expecting it to turn red so I could go. No one was behind me, so no harm no foul.

livinlifeontheedge · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was at a green light and I was getting frustrated that the car coming the other way wasn't turning left in front of me. I think my mind was treating it like a stop sign. I waved him though and then went straight through feeling like an idiot when I realized what I did. My sister watched the whole thing silently and then asked what I was doing.

AcronymSoup · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this too! And there was a state trooper next to me just watching to see how long I would sit there 🤦🏼‍♀️

panicoohno · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mines worse. Pulled up to a red light, and a churches newly installed message board flashed blue/green so drove through the Red light. Only to realize that green lights aren’t blue 15 mins later when I passed an actual green light.

WednesdayT71 · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stop for stop signs that don't exist.

We live in a rural area and I've done it 3 times at the same intersection. My brain apparently believes there should be a sign there. Luckily, there's never been anybody behind me.

PoolsOnFire · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've stopped at green lights

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that...during my test to get my license.

foxykittenn · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this too. In this middle of nowhere town with no street lights or anything. Waited patiently and chatted with my friend. To be fair we were also very high lol

aBnOiOmKeS · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I turned left on a red last night. Luckily nothing was coming and it was around midnight.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds of the time that me and my one friend got in an elevator and were talking for 5 minutes before we realised that neuther one of us pushed the buttun for the floor we wanted to go to.

rshot · 1816 points · Posted at 01:06:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Most cringe moment of my adult life probably. I finally got a job as a wine consultant that I had been trying to get for years. It was just a position at our local grocery store but our wine department was the best in town so I was pumped. Doing a great job and getting regulars at my tastings and shit. One day I get to do a tasting with a fairly expensive bottle of champagne (around 130$). I opened the bottle and it starts to fizz over (wasn't cooled enough yet) and my instant reaction is to start chugging it because that's what you do when that happens with a beer or soda. But this was champagne. Expensive champagne. And I'm chugging it in the middle of the sales floor, while on clock, in a grocery store. Still cringe when I think about it.

Edit: holy shit my inbox. I'll try to get some of these replies out. Also thanks for the silver!

Reaxan5 · 157 points · Posted at 04:20:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you get fired?

rshot · 69 points · Posted at 14:25:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No lol they were understanding believe it or not.

kharmatika · 40 points · Posted at 17:28:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, waste not want not. If that $130 champagne would have just gone on the floor anyway

SockPants · 26 points · Posted at 19:41:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well yeah but if a bit fizzes over then the rest can still be served to people, whereas if they see you chugging it from the bottle...

kharmatika · 6 points · Posted at 21:05:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trootroo

CWeedSleepy · 92 points · Posted at 07:48:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Career bartender here . You’re my hero. Don’t be embarrassed. That sounded magical.

B377Y · 74 points · Posted at 07:11:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be a server and imagining this in a restaurant setting as I read it made me literally cringe lmao

rshot · 23 points · Posted at 14:27:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah it's still one of those things that when I think about it my face still scrunched up lol.

I_Arted · 45 points · Posted at 08:11:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one made me laugh the hardest so far. I have so many questions, and want more details. Did u stay there after? Did it foam out of your nose? Did u serve the rest to anyone? How many people saw? Did u have to explain yourself? Did it taste good? Also, do tastings actually convince many people to buy the products (that last question is just general curiosity :)

koinu-chan_love · 95 points · Posted at 09:50:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not OP. But I was at a grocery store and saw weird melons I had never seen before. Lemon drop melons. I asked one of the people working there if he had ever tried one and if they were good. He said, “Let’s find out!” And whipped out a knife from his produce cart and sliced one open. We ate like half of it together. It was amazing. I bought three.

MeowWhat · 42 points · Posted at 11:59:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked produce in retail for years. The companies encouraged us to sample stuff out if questioned about it so you bet any time someone asked I immediately had that fruit cut and was ready to eat some 🍉🍊🍋🍍🥑

kharmatika · 24 points · Posted at 17:30:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work deli at Walmart, and while technically upper management is like “no stealing slices!” Dept management is like “please know what the fuck you’re selling, take a slice when you sample one out.” Too bad all our stock is shit.

MeowWhat · 13 points · Posted at 17:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yeah, I've worked deli a bunch and you gotta know what product tastes like. Perhaps every other time you slice it too.....

rshot · 32 points · Posted at 14:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes I continued working and finished the wine tasting. No nothing came out my nose, I had a lot of experience chugging stuff lol. And yeah wine tastings sold a ton of wine. I had regulars that would come in every tasting and buy several bottles of various brands.

And a lot of people saw. My boss, my coworkers, and at least twenty customers. It was embarrassing.

Th3CatOfDoom · 6 points · Posted at 18:39:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't they think it was funny?

I_Arted · 5 points · Posted at 21:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yay for coming through with the answers I needed! :)

You-need-a-big-one · 100 points · Posted at 03:00:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

How was it?? What’d it taste like? You couldn’t serve it for tasting anymore, did you drink the rest of it?

rshot · 37 points · Posted at 14:26:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was delicious and yeah I took it home with me. It was either that or poor out an expensive bottle of champagne.

SockPants · 6 points · Posted at 19:42:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha poor

rshot · 6 points · Posted at 20:42:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i goofed

h3isenbergsaysrelax · 21 points · Posted at 08:23:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my fucking god I am howling

UpDownCloudVR · 16 points · Posted at 07:27:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very interested to hear story, would make my day, sorry for this moment on your life, can relate in chugging like that

Maazyuki · 28 points · Posted at 12:29:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started working at an ice cream shop and I worry about the day when I lick the side of the ice-cream to stop it dripping while serving customers....

rshot · 27 points · Posted at 14:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha I also used to work at coldstone creamery (an ice cream shop) right before I got the wine consultant job. That reminded me of more cringe. Idk if you've been to coldstone but they mix the ice cream together right in front of you. We were especially good and actually threw the ice cream around in the air and then would catch it in the cup to serve customers. One time I threw it too high up and it tapped the ceiling. The kid screamed "WOOOO HE ALMOST HIT THE CEILING!!!". I looked at the kid and said "almost" then handed him the ice cream. Still feel kinda bad about that but for that story I was only like 16. The wine story happened when I was like 23.

SockPants · 8 points · Posted at 19:46:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at one of these recently and we had sat down at a table about 4m away from the counter waiting for them to make our order. The place was otherwise empty. They were 'playing' with the ice cream and mine was done, which was 2 scoops in a cup. They sort of moved to throw it to me across the cafe, then I kind of jokingly placed my hands as if to catch it. Then they actually did throw it and I was terrified for a split second because I suck ass at catching things. But it worked out that time.

rshot · 3 points · Posted at 20:48:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were doing stuff like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmm5ZKvQOZ4

SockPants · 2 points · Posted at 21:11:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha sweet, yeah imagine I was sitting at one of those tables near the window and they throw me my ice cream from behind the counter but instead of me being one of the staff who is good at this stuff, I'm just a clumsy customer.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 12:05:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Best story in this thread. Howling over here.

futuretech85 · 3 points · Posted at 12:53:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I was there, I would started with "chug chug chug".

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 15:11:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's hilarious, did you get in any trouble for doing that?

rshot · 6 points · Posted at 15:44:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No they were really understanding and the store just paid for it. We couldn't serve it to anyone so I took it home and shared with my friends.

Br135han · 3 points · Posted at 00:08:42 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of when I used to manage an industrial but upscale bar/ restaurant. We had this one bartender that I caught doing that- behind the 20 seat bar, in the middle of a rush. The difference between you and him was that he didn’t see why it was a problem, and I caught him doing it a few times after that.. even trying to catch the drips running off his elbow.

He thought it was okay since his mouth wasn’t directly touching the bottle.

SevenT7 · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Sorry, autopilot, that's what I usually do."

jgoigjfs · 1 points · Posted at 17:09:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OOF okay, this is first one i read here that i'd be embarrassed about! My condolences for you.

SLICKlikeBUTTA · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's only cringe if someone else witnesses it. It sounds like no one knew that you did that. Id just laugh it off.

rshot · 16 points · Posted at 14:39:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No there were like at least fifty people that saw. It was in the middle of an expensive wine tasting in a crowded grocery store. My boss saw it, my coworkers saw it, and a bunch of customers saw it. Possibly most embarrassing moment of my life.

Randa95 · 1239 points · Posted at 22:36:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right after high school, I worked as a pharmacy technician during the week and a waitress on weekends. Sometimes I’d waitress a dinner shift during the week, and the next day, without fail, I’d almost always answer the phone at the pharmacy saying “thank you for calling Pizza Huuuu.... Brown’s Pharmacy”

AmbulanceChaser12 · 151 points · Posted at 23:04:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at the Hut in college. I started answering my cell with my work greeting.

Nosfermarki · 37 points · Posted at 03:35:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be a dispatcher and my girlfriend at the time was an officer. I was out on break and apparently dispatch asked her to call in on a landline unbeknownst to me. She calls my cell, I answer:

Her: "this is 104"

Me: "I know who you are?"

Her: "you told me to call the landline"

Me: "and you called my cell phone"

It was very confusing.

Live_Think_Diagnosis · 4 points · Posted at 10:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She called and said the first line before you said anything?

Nosfermarki · 3 points · Posted at 15:47:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "hey" when I picked up but I guess I rolled that in to "I answer" in my head typing the comment.

jordoonearth · 10 points · Posted at 05:06:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

YES... Worked in a call centre nearly a decade ago. Work in a government office now. Have answered twice with the reflexive call centre greeting..

BrightlyLit · 32 points · Posted at 02:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I waitressed at a pizza place for 6 years before becoming a teacher. I was in the office one day making copies and the phone was ringing off the hook. The secretary, who I’m friends with, asked me to pick up the phone and put the parent on hold. I picked up and said ‘Hubbard park pizza, how can I help you?’ Realized my mistake and just hung up the phone.

DylanCO · 9 points · Posted at 03:27:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did you get a job as a pharmacy tech out of high school? I thought you had to go to a secondary school for that.

StopTrickingMe · 12 points · Posted at 05:42:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi, tech here. I started as a cashier at a retail pharmacy when I was 15. I decided I was interested in the pharmacy gig a few years later so I just asked to work back there. I have to register with the board of pharmacy, to legally be allowed to work in the pharmacy ($30/yr). I am not certified, there is a class and a test you have to take to be certified. Things I cannot do now, but could if I were certified: transfer prescriptions among pharmacies, compound medications (mixing two or more different drugs to create a new drug, usually creams or sometimes oral liquid solutions), work in the hospital making up IV bags and other hospital pharmacy roles. With a certification, you’re also required to do continuing education classes through BOP to maintain your certification.

Edit: a word

sunflowergirl1997 · 8 points · Posted at 05:25:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think all you need is a high school diploma and a certification, I've got lots of friends who are going into pharm school next year who do this

Randa95 · 2 points · Posted at 06:21:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It depends on your state. In New York, it’s recommended to have a certification, and certain employers may require it, but it’s perfectly legal to only have a high school diploma with no formal training.

Randa95 · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It depends on state laws. In New York State, there’s no certification requirements, though a technician program is recommended as it makes finding a job easier and pay slightly higher. I had interned there for two weeks as part of a program I was in my senior year and the owner knew I didn’t plan to go to college, so he’d offered to hire me once I got my diploma.

It’s all on the job training since it’s mostly processing refill requests in the computer, filling prescriptions for the pharmacist to check, and ringing people up.

Vievin · 7 points · Posted at 01:17:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't you default to "Thank you for calling us"?

DylanCO · 22 points · Posted at 03:27:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Most places want you to use the company name to avoid mishaps.

jaearllama · 6 points · Posted at 05:45:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked several years at Walmart including answering the phone. Got a temp job at Target about 5 years later. Got floated to the fitting room and had to answer the phone.

Had a very confused customer when I answered "thank you for calling Walmartttttarget."

TypeOneAuthor · 3 points · Posted at 05:46:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I swapped from McDonald’s drive thru worker to my new tech support call center job, “Hello, welcome to Mc....Thanks for calling, what can I do for you today?”

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 2 points · Posted at 06:09:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Blockbuster for four years in the 1990s. I have definitely answered my home phone, "Blockbuuuuuuuu hello?"

imlostinmyhead · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Pizza Brown's Pharmacy" sounds like either a super hip place or a drug dealer

SearchingForMe · 2 points · Posted at 07:57:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar, I'm currently a pharmacy tech and we have to call patients that need to come get their prescriptions that have been ready for 10+ days. Leaving a message for a patient I proceeded to leave my own cell phone number instead of the stores number for them to call us back. Luckily for me it was a regular patient who already knows I tend to get a little off my rocker at work!

loversalibi · 1 points · Posted at 06:34:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i don't mean to call you old or anything but man, remembering when pizza hut had a waitstaff is so nostalgic to me

Randa95 · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The Pizza Hut that I used to work at is still a done-in restaurant. There’s almost as many dine-in places as there are carryout/delivery only places, it just depends on what part of the country you live in

lbaile200 · 28236 points · Posted at 22:31:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for Comcast in their call center. I worked 3PM-12AM so the only thing that was open when I would get off work was McDonalds.

During the holidays they have unlimited overtime. Me being 19 and having no obligations at the time decided to just work non-stop until I fell down at my desk. I worked 3 days straight of OT taking my mandatory breaks every couple of hours and napping in the lunch room here and there.

Finally I decided I'd had enough and started on my way home at around 2AM one morning. I stopped at the McDonalds drivethrough because I wanted something hot to eat. Up until this point I'd subsisted on mints and packs of crackers from a vending machine.

The conversation went something like this:

Drivethru lady: Go ahead and order when you're ready
Me: Thanks for calling comcast, home of the triple play, My name is lbaile200 how can I assist you today!?

*A very long pause* 

I ended up sleeping in the parking lot of that McDonalds for about 12 hours in my car. The manager eventually knocked on my window and asked me if I was homeless and if I needed to come in and warm up.

dykasauruswrecks · 1855 points · Posted at 01:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work multiple jobs, and for a while I was working at stop and shop and Dunkin donuts.

Answering the drive thru at dunkin:

"Thank you for calling stop and shop, how can I help you?"

Later that day at stop and shop, to someone in my line:

"Welcome to Dunkin donuts, what can I get for ya?"

That was... not a great day for my self confidence.

jared555 · 84 points · Posted at 04:26:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was... not a great day for my self confidence.

Probably threw theirs off for a bit too.

Flyingwheelbarrow · 147 points · Posted at 04:47:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at subway, was doing overtime, the bread was not ready yet and a customer asked "Can I have a sandwich?" and I replied "No".

They looked super confused and walked off before I could offer a wrap or a salad.

OctopusSandwitch · 51 points · Posted at 05:07:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that to people asking for lettuce one their burritos during the recall on romaine.

To be fair, when they asked, they were usually leaning on the sign that yelled "WE ARE NOT SETVING LETTUCE DUE TO FEDERAL RECALL" in front of the empty bin that usually held lettuce.

Flyingwheelbarrow · 27 points · Posted at 05:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I swear some people turn off thier brains as soon as they line up to order.

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 06:22:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm, my brain has shut off while ordering on more than one occasion. Especially when it's early.

KingDiEnd · 31 points · Posted at 04:54:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stop & Shop and Dunkin’ Donuts? You gotta be from New England.

Bonus points if you worked at the Dunkin’ inside of the Stop & Shop.

dykasauruswrecks · 29 points · Posted at 04:59:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao. I do live in New England, and I did work at the Dunkin inside stop and shop back when they still had them, and a few years later worked at a stand alone Dunkin. I have also worked at four different stop and shops. I feel that should win me some sort of Yankee Bingo.

whatamievendoing99 · 6 points · Posted at 05:22:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Four stop and shops? I’m so sorry

viciousbreed · 21 points · Posted at 05:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think I ever said the wrong name, but I have stuttered upon answering the store phone when I was busting my ass and working two retail jobs at once. "Thank you for calling... uh... um... oh yeah, _____, how may I help you?"

But you don't have to be working multiple jobs. Had an employee for a while that would answer as Wal-Mart, even though she hadn't worked there in years. Also have witnessed multiple coworkers make similar mistakes.

Don't feel bad! You're obviously a hard worker. If customers or other employees/managers can't take it in stride, they're idiots.

dykasauruswrecks · 11 points · Posted at 05:09:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you! That was really nice to hear, I appreciate it!

StopTrickingMe · 12 points · Posted at 05:35:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at rite aid, until Walgreens bought them so now I work across the street at Walgreens. I consciously have to remind myself to say “thank you for calling walgreens, this is StopTrickingMe,” instead of rite aid. Sometimes I still say rite aid.

Luckily 50% of the people I’m talking to are also former rite aid folks and know me so they laugh WITH me, not AT me.

lonely_nipple · 10 points · Posted at 06:08:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 15-16, I worked at McDs, and usually in the drive thru. I was at home when the phone rang and I picked it up and said, "thank you for choosing McDonalds, what can I get you today?"

Mom overheard. Thought it was fucking hilarious.

mbveau · 9 points · Posted at 04:20:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You should reply to the main thread with this one, it’s great.

toebeans816 · 7 points · Posted at 04:42:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

as a dunkin employee, I totally understand the automatic customer service reflex lol

TrueRusher · 9 points · Posted at 05:11:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel you. For about a year I was working at my campus tech store and Smoothie King.

One time a customer came to the register at the tech store and I said “what can I blend for you today?” and then later told another customer to take the survey at the bottom of the receipt. There’s no survey at the tech store -.-

Then another time I answered the phone at the tech store with “thank you for calling smoothie—I mean [store]. Wrong job.” I also answered the phone like it was the smoothie king drive thru.

otter1727 · 5 points · Posted at 07:53:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar but have no idea how it happened. I worked at a restaurant with a drive through for awhile, and honestly was on autopilot for most of it. But one day I get a beep that there’s a car in the drive through, so I answer “hi welcome to McDonald’s how can I help you?”

But it wasn’t a McDonald’s, I’ve never worked for McDonald’s. I have no idea what happened but there was a really awkward pause followed by some apologizing and laughter.

Jedi_Reject · 2 points · Posted at 09:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hmmm, did you work at McDonalds in a parallel universe or past life?
.
.
.
What do you mean you don't know?

otter1727 · 2 points · Posted at 09:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not that I know about!! All I know is my brain just shut off and gave that greeting and I was so confused lmao

Agnaiel · 4 points · Posted at 04:30:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone who works at Stop and Shop, that's fair.

WolfDragonStarlit · 4 points · Posted at 05:46:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have unthinkingly answered the phone (at work) "Thank you for calling [specific location sub shop]" when I haven't worked at that place for *months*. Co workers laughed and one of them just gladly took the phone off me.

For right now? Phone rings and I try to scramble in the opposite direction if I haven't had coffee yet.

Alice_In_Zombieland · 2 points · Posted at 05:49:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at cvs and target. The amount of times I asked target customers for their cvs card is embarrassing.

arinthegreat · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i used to work at both a stop and shop and a shoprite and i used to ask for a stop and shop card at ShopRite and visa versa

Cryingbabylady · 1 points · Posted at 09:42:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly used to answer phones at work with my other work’s greeting.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 15476 points · Posted at 22:43:54 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wholesome af ending, not a lot of mangers, or people would do that. Did you get a day off for all your overtime?

MentalPorphyry · 9876 points · Posted at 00:55:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I think mangers have a really good reputation for being welcoming to strangers in need, especially this time of year.

Edit: Wow, my first gilding! Thank you, internet Wise Man! Does Reddit give out frankincense and myrrh, too?

Tylerpeterson99 · 1452 points · Posted at 01:24:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this is the best thing i’ve seen all day

gravityfail · 109 points · Posted at 02:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And it’s so wholesome!

w_actual · 95 points · Posted at 02:43:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"God bless us, everyone!" - Tiny Tim

Whatsthemattermark · 35 points · Posted at 03:11:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The one true source of Tiny Tim’s bitterness is the fact he can’t walk. This is more galling to him than his impending death, due to the fact that terminal illness is an enemy, and when you have the ability to stand and face that enemy taken away from you as well then you really have been dry pounded by god. But the sordid icing on his cake of woe is that his family - his own, wretched poverty stricken family - decide to call him ‘Tiny Tim’. Knowing full well the extent of his severe growth problems and watching him struggle through a brief, agonising existence, his own mother and father gave him the nickname ‘Tiny Tim’.

Merry Christmas.

dragonbabyzzz · 2 points · Posted at 04:55:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read that in Alec Baldwin's voice.

kooshipuff · 5 points · Posted at 06:14:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A. B. C.

Always. Be. Carolling.

FiliKlepto · 2 points · Posted at 16:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Christmas is for closers.

probablyhrenrai · 4 points · Posted at 08:10:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm celebrating Christmas tomorrow/today( it's 2am) with my family (only day that works for my brother), and I just want to thank you and everyone else ITT for giving me such a nice note to end my "Christmas eve" on; you're all wonderful.

shnnrr · 5 points · Posted at 04:26:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This whole thread has been wholesome AF

fluffyluv · 2 points · Posted at 21:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is there a joke there I'm not getting..?

unique_pervert · 1 points · Posted at 14:36:24 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can you explain it?

sublime_cheese · 34 points · Posted at 02:37:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You follow up was perfect. I needed that too.

Stimonk · 29 points · Posted at 03:42:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was a typo in the bible, they actually meant manager.

Mary gave birth to Jesus in a manager.

NSobieski · 8 points · Posted at 07:40:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually that’s a mistranslation from the Bible’s original Hebrew that said

Mary gave birth to IEHOVA in a ménage à trois

calacatia · 82 points · Posted at 02:03:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This whole thread is a treasure.

bonham101 · 14 points · Posted at 03:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In need and polite. A lot of people are rude this time of year for various reasons. I can be patient, but if I try to hook you up with a meal, don’t be rude to people. It happens a lot more than it should. When a waitress tells me you hit on her or you go to the bathroom for an hour, I’ll just kick you back out

Irulanlan · 9 points · Posted at 03:22:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait, what?

Decapitated_gamer · 20 points · Posted at 05:03:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been a manager at a fast food joint for years. I do my best to take care of the homeless, giving them meals if I catch them digging in trash... but at some points it gets too much, for example. I’ve had them demand food, pan handling in my lobby or drive thru, taking food off the counter that’s not theirs. It’s a very grey line between helping them and making them dependent on you.

On the other side I’ve hired 4 homeless over my years. 1 is currently my manager in duty with me and has his own place. 2 stole from me within the first week. 1 disappeared and none of us have heard from him. He had some split personalities so I hope he is okay.

Jory if you read this by some chance I hope your okay.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 03:53:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a McDonald’s at 5am the other day after a long study session and the manager called the cops on the homeless people there to kick them out

saxmaster98 · 11 points · Posted at 04:15:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The manager at the gas station I worked at kicked a lady out into the hurricane we had a couple months back. She’s a known homeless person but she comes in and buys fruit every now and then. Anyways, we had a couple that came in and dried off but then left after 2 hours or so. She ended up dozing off and the manager kicked her out. She sat out back trying to hide from the rain under this little canopy thing we had. She dozed off on the ground and the manager saw her when she went out to smoke. She called the cops and had her arrested for trespassing or loitering or whatever.

From what I heard, they took her to a National Guard armory in town that set up a shelter instead. I hated that fucking manager.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 4 points · Posted at 12:45:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That manager sounds like an absolute failure of a human being. What kind of person throws another person out into a hurricane! I never understand humans that think other humans are below them simply because they had better luck in life.

blondechcky · 3 points · Posted at 15:01:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Exactly this. We do our best but most of us are just one or two catastrophic events from losing everything.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 15:57:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Exactly! All it takes is for someone to kick you out for some reason or another, or you get laid off and can’t make rent. I think a lot of people forget this.

PickledPixels · 19 points · Posted at 03:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like how they call the trough a manger to class it up with some french words. It's a trough. They made Jesus sleep in a trough.

gwaydms · 20 points · Posted at 03:28:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If life gives you a feed trough, make a crêche.

IamMrT · 1 points · Posted at 17:04:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I only ever heard manger in songs. At church they usually called it a trough.

gwaydms · 4 points · Posted at 03:25:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wish I had precious metal to give.

Hubbli_Bubbli · 4 points · Posted at 04:11:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like BabyJesus best.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:43:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brilliant.

SirQwacksAlot · 3 points · Posted at 03:58:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What about kidagers

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 04:02:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But that manger put a pregnant lady in a barn, not a bed. Accepting, but not warm edited a typo

whateverspicegirl · 3 points · Posted at 04:20:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Take the upvote, that was brilliant.

wadagod · 2 points · Posted at 05:14:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You made me laugh like a goddamn idiot, I love you.

V1P3R_Steel_Phantom · 2 points · Posted at 05:24:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

aawwwaaaaaay iiin a MAAAAANGGGEEEER ...

MrsPeacockIsAMan · 1 points · Posted at 10:07:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No crib for a bed

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So wholesome, love y’all

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:45:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This gave me a real giggle. I work in a job where I have to spell check and review reports that are filled with the word manager. Or at least it is suppose to say manager. 'And they report these issues to the manger'.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Amazing

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
wrtrmorgan · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m wheezing from laughing so hard.

T3hN1nj4 · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What about the womanagers and childrenagers? Did you kill them too?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, i was at chick fil a the other day and the manager was hounding the employee in front of me for something that was completely unnecessary. the employee was doing a great job 10/10, and didn't need to turn it up to 12 which was what the manager thought he should be doing.

HankESpank · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s so true.

mebeast227 · 1 points · Posted at 12:22:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't a McDonalds manager essentially try and throw out a group of kids when there was a dude waiting outside to harass them with a gun? Literally just a few weeks ago

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 22:10:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s the most common mis-spelling errors in the bible. When Joseph was turned away at the Inn, he actually asked to see the MANAGER.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 10:00:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the only comment edit I've seen that hasn't dragged the rest of the comment down.
I salute you.

Straitmungry · -1 points · Posted at 03:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't agree, but okay.

LucianoThePig · -2 points · Posted at 09:06:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice job ruining your comment with that award speech edit

MentalPorphyry · 2 points · Posted at 17:44:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! Next time I'll be sure to act like an entitled asshole.

Officer_Hotpants · 1341 points · Posted at 01:37:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Meanwhile at my last job, at a retail store, I sat and split my lunch with the disabled homeless guy one day and my manager saw me when I was coming in, and asked if I was okay or needed help. Told I was fine and just had a nice time hanging out with the homeless guy, and had to convince my manager not to call the cops on him.

This guy was telling me about all the people in the area that call the police just for him existing. Not even asking people for money. Honestly, that conversation with my manager bummed me out for a solid few days just because of how shitty she was going to be.

[deleted] · 130 points · Posted at 02:04:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's really sad how the homeless get treated sometimes. I'm glad there's people like you out there who'll give them the time of day and share a lunch.

[deleted] · 63 points · Posted at 03:40:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in DC a month ago, there was a homeless man selling his book near McPherson Square. My friend, appreciative of the fact that he was working for money instead of begging, bought his book, "Homeless Lives Matter" by Leo Gnawa. I read it after him, and though it isn't a perfectly polished book, it's more than worth the (short) read and further opened my eyes to the lives of the homeless.

Ckrius · 20 points · Posted at 04:02:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you know where they can usually be found? Do they have a website or contract information? Sounds like a great read and would love to support them. You can pm me if you aren't comfortable posting info about finding them here.

[deleted] · 33 points · Posted at 04:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In his book, he says he spends a lot of time at McPherson Square (there's a Metro stop right by it), and there was a small park-esque area in which he lived in a tent for a very long time, but doesn't give the exact location. Honestly, you might have luck finding him if you asked for him at the square on a decently nice day.

He's on Twitter here (sorry for mobile link, but if you Google his name it comes up). I'm sure if you bought his book for the $15 it's listed as on Amazon, it's the best way to support him.

E: formatting

Ckrius · 4 points · Posted at 04:26:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks!

theactionwagon · 20 points · Posted at 06:31:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

TLDR; homeless people are cool, but dont bring them home.

When we where younger and more naive, my wife (then GF) lived in a podunk mountain town off the I-70. One winter she was working at a gas station off the interstate, during her shift she noticed two homeless guys huddled together on the bench out side. After talking to them she found out they were headed for California in an old school bus, theyd gotten off to "make" some money for diesel and food and the bus disappeared. Now we lived at about 7,000' above sea level, and it was snow season, several feet on the ground and a fresh coat of powder coming down, temperatures in the low single's. She couldn't just leave these guys out there, she called me. I went out to her, and took the homeless guys over to a local dinner, the skinnier of the two was starting to show symptoms of hypothermia. After talking to the guys myself I decided that they where harmless, took them home and let the crash on the couch for the night. The next morning I took them back to the gas station and lo and behold that old school bus has returned, the guys get on and continue their merry journey to California. Or so it seemed, a few months later the skinny guy shows back up on our porch half frozen, smelling like pine smoke and body odor. After getting him inside, fed, and showered, he tell us that an hour after I'd last seen him the bus driver had pulled over and shot up, it was at this point skinny guy had grabbed as much camping equipment as he could and hopped off the bus. Apparently he spent the last few months camping with an entire hidden population of people no more than 5 miles from town (I wound up checking it out in the spring, there really is a small populace up there, friggin weird) anyways apparently he had gotten a job in Denver. His timing was almost perfect as I had to been in Dever later the week for a drill weekend. He slept on the couch for a few nights, then the night before we leave he gets all tweaked out, starts throwing things and breaking shit. He gets up in my wife's face, threatening to kill her, full blown crazy. After chasing him off the property with a 12 gauge we called the police, and they pick him. Anyways, despite a sour experience, we always try and help the homeless, although we dont bring them home anymore.

Officer_Hotpants · 55 points · Posted at 02:39:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He was a cool guy and had a good sense of humor. I felt bad because of the upscale (read: rich and uppity asshole) clientele that came into that store that treated him like shit all the time.

voyager_tom · 49 points · Posted at 03:03:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a coworker nearly get in trouble with the store managers for buying a homeless guy a sandwich at my grocery store.

justanunknownautist · 28 points · Posted at 03:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did the manager even care if a worker bought somebody a sandwich?

scienceboyroy · 21 points · Posted at 04:23:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Makes the manager look bad.

Also reminds them of how horrible a person they are.

voyager_tom · 16 points · Posted at 05:00:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She said it’ll make him want to come back to the store. She was only carrying out what corporate and the head store manager wanted but still, I wish she turned a blind eye.

Our company dislikes homeless people. It really sucks that they want to punish employees for feeding hungry people with their own money on their own breaks.

Flyingwheelbarrow · 18 points · Posted at 04:44:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be homeless and someone offering to share a meal with me happened a few times. When it did, it would restore my faith in humanity. Just being seen as a person.

You are a good person and I guaranteed you made that guys week. It is often not just the food we need but for someone to see us.

Merry Christmas and may you have a blessed New Year. Big love.

Officer_Hotpants · 4 points · Posted at 08:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! And I'm glad you're doing better these days. Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, Pleasant Arbor Day!

gunswordfist · 35 points · Posted at 02:28:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh, retail and shitty person of a boss is a big double no. I'm happy you left.

Officer_Hotpants · 42 points · Posted at 02:38:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, it sucked. But I just had my first interview at a hospital yesterday after finishing EMT school, so I'm pretty happy about that. I actually do kinda miss that homeless guy though. That dude was funny.

Masknight · 28 points · Posted at 03:00:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey congrats man. Just know that every person you help is one more way of helping someone like that disabled homeless guy. You should be proud of showing a stranger kindness and joining a tough (and selfless) profession. Good luck.

Officer_Hotpants · 9 points · Posted at 03:04:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks man. Feels good to finally get into a field where I can actually help people and feel good about what I'm doing.

garantash · 8 points · Posted at 06:00:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just wanna say that I hope that you find fulfillment in your career. I'm proud of you and honestly a tiny bit envious.

I wanted to go into EMS so badly. I finished my EMT certification and did really well throughout the class. I was excited to find a job and make a difference. I was previously a hair stylist. I liked it and was pretty decent as well, but always felt there was something much more important I was supposed to be doing. Most people in my life doubted my decision to go into EMS. I've always been a sensitive and emotional kind of girl with a bad habit of caring too much (is what I was told). That made me more determined to follow through.

I saw some fucked up shit during my training but I never hesitated or recoiled. It was like second nature for me to just react with the logical part of brain and do whatever was necessary to help someone and let my training take over. It wasn't just switching to autopilot though, because at the same time there was this raw emotion and passion fucking roaring behind it. I never knew I had that in me. I felt brave and competent for the first time in my life.

Not too long after I passed my state exam, my mother died tragically. Seeing what I saw resulted in PTSD among other things. Good thing was I realized I had some undiagnosed mental illnesses I needed to take care of. I couldn't even think of pursuing a job in EMS much less keep my certification current. My mental breakdown was awful and inconvenient, yet I feel that it was fortunate to happen when it did; before someone's life was in my hands. It took a long time to get back to a semblance of myself. If my mental weakness had affected another's life, well, I think that burden would have broken me for good.

Sorry for the uninvited narrative. I guess what I'm trying to tell you, is that I have so much respect for you and what you're setting out to do. It's a thankless job that many will never appreciate. It takes a very particular person to do it, an important and misunderstood kind of strength and resilience. It requires unwavering courage and a dauntless passion to serve humankind in a cruel and unforgiving world.

Thank you for giving such a huge part of yourself to others when nobody even asked you to. That's a hero, man. Take care of yourself.

Officer_Hotpants · 5 points · Posted at 08:06:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you, I appreciate that. And I'm sorry that all of that happened to you. But I hope your life has improved since then. I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself. Keep on doing what's best for you, and make your life work out how you need it to. I wish you the best.

garantash · 3 points · Posted at 14:41:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am doing much better, thank you! I didn't mean to make my comment all about me. I was just moved by what you were saying and definitely got carried away in trying to explain where my respect and appreciation stems from. Thanks for responding. Best wishes to you as well.

SpankWhoWithWhatNow · 7 points · Posted at 05:22:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done five years worth of fire & EMS, and so far I've a feeling that you'll be one of the good ones, if not one of the great ones. Please, please, don't lose your view on humanity or stop seeing every patient as what they are: another person, a fellow human being, someone who could've been yourself or a loved one but for a certain series of events. But most importantly: a person with potential.

Sadly, in both private & civil service, I've been witness to less-than-professional remarks and/or behavior towards the less fortunate by other medical professionals. This is among the reasons that EMS, and by extension the fire service, lost much of luster for me personally.

I dearly hope that it is a fruitful and lasting endeavor for you, and it brings you much fulfillment!

Most of all, congratulations!

Officer_Hotpants · 6 points · Posted at 08:11:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! I'm genuinely excited for my career. I live in an area that's a mix of rural and urban environments, and in my ride times I've had a chance to see some great and caring firefighters and paramedics, and some that are...less so. Honestly I'm not sure how the guy with a tattoo of a burning cross even got on at that department.

But I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about others. One of my instructors has spent the last decade working in the ICU of a children's hospital, and really had a lot of perspective on patient care, and I'm glad I've been able to learn from him.

I appreciate all the support! Looking forward to joining the field!

Prophet_of_the_Bear · 3 points · Posted at 04:21:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe our situations aren’t similar at all, but where I worked the homeless were a real issue. No I don’t think they’re subhuman in the slightest, yes I believe they deserve a benefit of the doubt wherever possible. But when you have 4 or 5 that hang out outside your place of work, occasionally come in and leave stuff all over the bathroom and follow people to their cars asking for money, it becomes a problem. If you’re a manager, your responsibility is to make sure the store is making as much money as possible, and I sure as heck wouldn’t want to go to a store where I consistently have to avoid being stalked to my car. (For the record I wasn’t a manager, I was a low level employee who quit after a few months)

RoninSC · 3 points · Posted at 07:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My work got rid of the bench outside because a homeless guy would sit there often during the summer. Very sad, he doesn't come around now. Enjoyed many conversations with him, he seemed very intelligent. I never seen him beg for anything and he said he chose this lifestyle over working.

securitywyrm · 17 points · Posted at 03:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You have ONE customer get feces thrown on them by a crazy homeless person outside your store, you stop taking chances that the one currently outside the store isn't "that one."

Officer_Hotpants · 24 points · Posted at 03:36:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah except this guy had been around for a very long time, and literally never had an incident. And calling the cops on someone just for existing, and without any actual incident is so shitty. Someone shouldn't be harassed by police just because they can't afford a home. They're allowed to occupy public places too.

securitywyrm · -6 points · Posted at 03:48:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get what you're saying, but if a homeless person outside a shop causes an incident, the first thing the owners will ask the manager is "Why didn't you do something about it earlier?"

Officer_Hotpants · 19 points · Posted at 03:59:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Homeless people are allowed to exist in a public space. Fuck people who harass them for nothing.

securitywyrm · -18 points · Posted at 04:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get that it's rough, but people have to look out for themselves. It's like why you don't play with raccoons: some of them have rabies. It's a small percentage, but it's not worth the risk.

CAbbaszadeh · 24 points · Posted at 04:10:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Homeless people are nothing like raccoons. They’re living humans with thoughts and emotions. Empathy is one of the most important qualities of humanity, and if someone can’t show compassion to someone just because of their inability to afford housing, then that’s a sign that they probably shouldn’t be working in a business that is literally aimed to provide services for other people.

securitywyrm · -7 points · Posted at 05:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And if that's how you want to treat them, that's fine.

But attempting to shame others for not feeling the same way you do will only backfire on your cause, becuase shame has become such an over-used tool that we're practically post-shame.

scienceboyroy · 4 points · Posted at 04:29:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, you don't play with raccoons because they're less cuddly than a porcupine. Seriously, those things will mess you right up, even without rabies. I knew a girl who caught one and kept it in a cage for a while, trying to tame it. That thing was terrifying. Also, the girl was crazy.

Febril · 5 points · Posted at 05:01:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

An honest answer to that question is- homeless person never gave any trouble before this incident. Never had a reason to “do something “.

securitywyrm · 1 points · Posted at 05:03:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And that's fine, but are the owners going to accept such an answer when it's their business on the line, when their customers no longer feel safe coming there because if the manager had "done something" there wouldn't have been an incident?

It's rought, it's cruel, it's unfair, but it's how things are. Work to change them, but don't blame people for acting out of self-preservation.

Febril · 3 points · Posted at 16:19:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s interesting that you elevate the manager and the business by seeing their reaction as based in “self preservation “ while deprecating the idea that a homeless human has such a right, in addition to the right to be free from police attention until and unless they give cause. Pre-crime intervention should give all of us pause. The modern idea that corporate entities are allowed to disadvantage human rights in order to maximize profits is one we should reject outright. It may mean less money but we should all see the value of strengthening humans value.

securitywyrm · 0 points · Posted at 17:35:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone seems to have a lot of "right" in your worldview. And who is going to enforce these rights?

justanunknownautist · 5 points · Posted at 03:35:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does that really happen? Or is that an excuse managers use to justify acting like jerks?

securitywyrm · 11 points · Posted at 03:48:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happens a lot in San Francisco. Seriously mentally disturbed people hanging around shops harassing people, and they have nothing to lose from attacking them. The police won't even come if you call them because "it's a homeless person, unless someone's bleeding just walk away."

changeneverhappens · 8 points · Posted at 05:34:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived in Oakland for a while and my now husband was from a more affluent area about half an hour inland. As such, he wasn't used to dual diagnosis homeless folks.

I had to teach a grown man who had technically grown up in the Bay area how to just walk away when people tried to get his goat.

Like, yeah the guy said you had big ears and gave you mad ojo. The one around the next corner is going to do the same thing. Just keep moving.

Woyaboy · 2 points · Posted at 05:19:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This exact scenario happened to me, except it was my friends who had the problem.

Torchakain · 78 points · Posted at 02:20:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've always had good luck with McDonald's managers! One time my family (5 adults) got stuck in a blizzard in some small town and all 2 of the hotels in town were completely full.

We ate at a McDonald's to figure things out and the manager overheard that we were from out of town. He asked if we had a place to stay there night and when we told him no, he kept the restaurant open for an extra 3 hours to 5 am for us to sleep inside.

BabaYagaInYoFace · 21 points · Posted at 03:21:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Knocks on your car window

Would you like a Mcfucking?

severianSaint · 13 points · Posted at 02:55:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Occasionally, a very special manger comes along.

butthowling · 12 points · Posted at 04:15:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amount of managers that have woken me up in my car when I was napping in their parking lot to tell me to gtfo before they call the police is unreal. Mad respect to that guy, because I've never had this happen. I live in a very friendly place too!

theunrelatedreply · 4 points · Posted at 04:17:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right?!? I worked at mcdonalds and my managers probably would have called the cops.

Inquisitive_Table · 3 points · Posted at 04:01:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good one op

Ghostwoods · 2 points · Posted at 13:20:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're good people, Helen. Thank you :)

sublime_cheese · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you. I needed your comment today.

A-Vegan-Has-No-Name · 1 points · Posted at 04:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know she’s talking about the McDonald’s manager right?

Pr3tz3ls · 179 points · Posted at 00:21:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laughed out loud to this. These are the best kinds of auto pilot stories imo.

Winter_wrath · 109 points · Posted at 02:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also kinda scary when you realize the person piloted a giant piece of metal while being extremely tired. That can end horribly, being tired behind the wheel isn't that different to being drunk.

steveo3387 · 58 points · Posted at 02:28:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happens all the time. Sleep-deprived driving kills as many people as drunk driving.

Winter_wrath · 30 points · Posted at 02:56:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, that's why overworking is a big problem: people are tired but they still need to get to work

RevolsinX · 29 points · Posted at 03:02:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

....Might be a poor time to mention that actually most pilots are overworked too.

Yeah, try being in a hunk of metal in the air with someone extremely tired at the wheel.

Winter_wrath · 30 points · Posted at 03:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least they have autopilot for most of the flight

Thepowerisreal · 17 points · Posted at 03:10:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And don't tend to have any other planes occupying the same general area.

Wrinklestiltskin · 11 points · Posted at 03:19:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a lot better than driving on a road with many other drivers. At least there's auto pilot, a co pilot, and less chance of colliding with other planes compared to driving.

ironappleseed · 4 points · Posted at 05:47:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup, thats why when im doing long car trips i take naps as often as i need to to be able to stay alert. It may add 4hr to a 18hr drive, but it keepa me nice and alert and not killing other people.

verdigrijs · 84 points · Posted at 01:12:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my days at an ISP helpdesk I once took overtime as much as I could. We were open 9-9 on weekdays and 10-4 on weekends. After I worked 15 days straight, making anywhere between 8 to 12 hour days. The planners asked for anybody who could to come in the next day. My only thought was on more money, but my direct manager intervened almost immediately and said that I had the next 2 days off. Good thing, because I slept for 12 hours straight that night!

Squirrel_Empire · 55 points · Posted at 01:49:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of when I worked at McDonald's, I had been subsisting on two hours sleep a night for a few weeks, and was complaining to my manager that I really needed to take off because I was too tired to work. He insisted I was fine.

At one point in the night a customer asked a passenger what something on the menu said, but thinking that it was addressed to me, answered "It says death touch..." Because for the last few minutes I had been imagining a conversation where I was building a magic the gathering deck and I started going on about the cards I was looking at. Realized what happened and was mortified.

My manager let me go home early after all.

Flyrpotacreepugmu · 1 points · Posted at 12:13:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, at least you weren't Mortified.

Lachwen · 53 points · Posted at 01:45:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked 3 days straight of OT taking my mandatory breaks every couple of hours and napping in the lunch room here and there.

So if I'm understanding this correctly, you literally worked for three solid days taking only meal and bathroom breaks? No 8-hour between-shift breaks?

There is absolutely no way that was legal.

lbaile200 · 60 points · Posted at 01:50:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was free to leave whenever I wanted, I just chose to stay. I'm not sure of the legality of it, but since it was all voluntary and I still got a 1 hour break for every 8 hours plus 4 15 minute breaks very 8 hours I didn't mind. I'd say I probably slept 2-3 hours between shifts as well.

I just didn't have anything better to do at the time and was saving up to build a gaming computer.

Lachwen · 42 points · Posted at 02:04:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, I'm not doubting at all that you worked it voluntarily. It's just that every state (as far as I'm aware) has laws limiting the maximum number of hours that can be worked in a day as well as a minimum number of hours that must be given off between shifts.

Your company paid you very well to violate labor laws, and if the State had noticed it your company would have been heavily fined.

Dcarozza6 · 24 points · Posted at 03:41:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Please don’t fine Comcast, it’ll just give them an excuse to charge me more for cable.

MortimerDongle · 7 points · Posted at 04:01:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It's just that every state (as far as I'm aware) has laws limiting the maximum number of hours that can be worked in a day as well as a minimum number of hours that must be given off between shifts.

I dunno about that, Florida doesn't even have a department of labor.

Federal law does not mandate breaks or maximum work time for adult workers, and many states do not have restrictions beyond federal law.

SamSibbens · 94 points · Posted at 01:44:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ended up sleeping in the parking lot of that McDonalds for about 12 hours in my car.

Better this than falling asleep on the way there. People underestimate the dangers of driving while tired

lbaile200 · 75 points · Posted at 01:47:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No joke! I realized when I woke up just how quickly I fell asleep. If I'd driven off with my food I'd probably have done that while driving. Luckily I was able to take a paid day off to recover and was all well and good.

I may as well have been driving drunk.

And some people commented on the kindness of the manager at that McDonalds. I absolutely agree, she was amazing. I thanked her and had some breakfast and then went on my way.

Grimdotdotdot · -28 points · Posted at 02:40:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And yet you drove to McDonald's.

thepee-peepoo-pooman · 9 points · Posted at 04:43:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

shut

Lemon_bird · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when they were 19

FrenchFrySpainishFly · 31 points · Posted at 02:07:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, I do this sometimes too. I'm a bartender, and when I need something from a server or a barback, I turn to the back and yell, "Ordering!" Many a late night after leaving the bar and heading to McDonald's, I pull up to the drive through and say, "Ordering!" Embarrassing.

viciousbreed · 10 points · Posted at 05:20:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time, the guy taking my order at Sonic forgot to take his finger off the button when he'd gotten done asking me a question, and yelled "CHEESE!" straight into the speaker (and my ear). I later went on to work at Sonic, and found out that you yell to the cooks when someone orders mozzarella sticks or jalapeno poppers. They take longer to drop, and the cooks don't find out until you actually put the WHOLE order in, so it helps everyone out if you give them a heads up.

Still, I will never forget his stressed "CHEESE!" Especially since I've spent the intervening decade in customer service. The point being... you're not alone, and most people who've worked service would understand.

MrKeserian · 1 points · Posted at 13:22:30 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I work in car sales, and the language we're trained with has bled into my life. Alright, so if a customer says something like "I'm just looking" or "I'm not buying today" we're trained to use phrases or word tracks (depending on length) that acknowledge the statement without expressing approval or reinforcing it (I mean seriously, people don't usually come to a car dealership just for kicks, they're here because they either want to buy a car, or are thinking about wanting to buy a car). So we'll say things like "not a problem" or "in that case, allow me to get you all the information you need to make a well informed decision."

Anyways, not only have those infiltrated my day to day vocabulary, but the "fairness close" has slipped its way in as well. So, it's really hard for people to say "no" if you ask at the end of your question "fair enough?" for example, "Alright Jim, I got some for you on that new Accord. Now, because I'm easily distracted, my only request is that you hold any questions you may have until I finish going through the numbers. Once I'm done, ask away, and I'll do my best to explain everything to your satisfaction. Fair enough?" It works because it's not that unreasonable a request, and a customer can't really say "no" unless they're a total jerk (and by this point I should have had enough time to build rapport with the customer, and get them to not be terrified of me).

The problem is that the "fair enough" close has infected my vocabulary, and my girlfriend works for the same company I do. This results in a lot of half-serious glares when, for example, I propose that tonight we do what she wants for dinner, and tomorrow we'll do what I want for dinner, and then cap it off with a "fair enough?"

Also, don't get me started in the instinctive urge to negotiate everything.

cantfindthistune · 43 points · Posted at 01:25:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks for calling comcast, home of the triple play, My name is lbaile200 how can I assist you today!?

These could be rap lyrics

lbaile200 · 27 points · Posted at 01:51:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you or someone you know are affiliated with the Wu-Tang Clan, message me.

MozartTheCat · 59 points · Posted at 01:18:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at an AT&T call center for a couple years. One time I called a friend and he didnt answer. I sat through the prompt about leaving a voicemail, but the second that it beeped I just automatically launched into the whole "thank you for calling AT&T" greeting. It's like I was trained to say it after a beep lol.

Thankfully, my friend was also my coworker and thought it was hilarious

KziggyK · 26 points · Posted at 02:36:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did pretty much this many years ago when I worked a monotonous call center job. I was sound asleep at home one night when my boyfriend decided to put the moves on me. He tried to gently wake me up and I said “Thank you for calling Best Western worldwide reservations” He was MAD and woke me up with yelling. I guess he was insulted and this says so much about his ego and why we broke up soon after!

guiltparade_ · 12 points · Posted at 02:45:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hadnt even gotten to the part with him yelling and I was already hoping you weren't together. Putting the moves on someone in their sleep is weird.

MrKeserian · 2 points · Posted at 13:09:15 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Depends on the relationship. My girlfriend usually goes to bed way earlier than I do (8PM vs 10-11PM) and goes to work after I do, so we have kinda a standing rule that if she was feeling "amorous" before bed, it's perfectly okay if I wake her up in interesting ways.

SouthernYankeeWitch · 21 points · Posted at 00:56:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That ending is so sweet.

ersatzelements · 16 points · Posted at 02:14:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a call center, one time I was out at a bar with some coworkers and when my partner called, I instinctively answered "thanks for calling the information center, this is X speaking, how may I help you?" before my coworkers and partner all proceeded to mock the fuck out of me at the same time.

gil_beard · 8 points · Posted at 02:58:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slept in the parking lot of our ambulance station several weeks ago after pulling doubles and living an hour away before driving home. I woke up to my supervisor reminding me that we had beds inside which I forgot. A rumor quickly started that I was homeless which I had to spend up until recently dispelling.

diswittlepiggy · 8 points · Posted at 02:04:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How much did you earn from that stretch?

Roses88 · 7 points · Posted at 02:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was at some store and when the cashier rang me up , I told them my total 😂😂😂

fluttika · 8 points · Posted at 03:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm from Eastern Europe and I used to live in rural US for seven months.
Found your hospitality astonishing from time to time.

hannahflyingsolo · 8 points · Posted at 03:35:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something kind of like this only at Subway. Walked up to the counter and asked the sandwich maker guy "How can I help you today?" I had been answering phones all morning so it's a small miracle I didn't say my place of business first and embarrass myself even more. The Subway employee told me at the register that I had made his night with my little slip up.

kinguzumaki · 8 points · Posted at 03:39:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol my roommate worked as a tech support for various Apple products for a while. When my roommate and I went apartment searching, every time the people at the front office would ask for our names he would spell his name with the military alphabet code. He would say something like "Hi, my name is Jon spelled J for Jericho, O for Oscar, N for November." This was followed by a long pause where the person at the front desk and I would stare at him and he would look nonchalant as hell about it.

roskov · 7 points · Posted at 02:11:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that once, I used to work at a Blockbuster (ha, ha) and when I was ordering from the call box I started on our spiel automatically as well. I think the most confusing part is your brain suddenly trying to figure out where you are.

PrinceTyke · 7 points · Posted at 04:02:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't imagine willingly working for 3 days straight in any conditions, let alone at age 19 and in a call center.

HissToAvoid · 6 points · Posted at 02:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When the manager wakes you up: “THANKS FOR CALLING COMCAST-“

heretolearn78 · 5 points · Posted at 01:59:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh and then say aww!

artdorkgirl · 5 points · Posted at 02:47:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup...teenager, working all the summer shifts available to me at my retail job, answers the phone at home: "Thank you for calling Drug Warehouse, this is Artdork, how can I help you?

filesaved · 4 points · Posted at 04:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually did the opposite of this! I used to work drive thru at Wendy's then I started working as a billing agent at Spectrum. I was really tired one day and answer the phone "Thank you for choosing Wendy's. How may I help you?" What's even funnier is the person on the other line didn't even notice. My lead did though.

LauraMcCabeMoon · 3 points · Posted at 03:38:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know what, I bet that fast food worker totally got it.

I worked at Pizza hut for a few years. I answered my phone more times than I like to admit with "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, my name is Laura...shit"

TrippySubie · 2 points · Posted at 02:23:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That ending sentence though, good people do still exist.

0nel0c0 · 2 points · Posted at 02:39:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How much did you get taxed on that OT? I live in Canada, so doing insane amounts of Ot never worth it for me

emmixul · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait, did you run out of gas?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:05:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this made me fuckin cackle

icyangel2666 · 2 points · Posted at 03:53:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That one is pretty funny.

Blukaiser · 2 points · Posted at 03:57:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a call center too! I will sometimes answer my personal phone “thank you for calling the bank my name is blukaiser, how may I assist you today?” Especially if it’s right after a shift

Sancticide · 2 points · Posted at 04:08:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit, that is priceless. Home of the triple play. I tweaked my neck yesterday, so it literally hurts laughing at this, but it's so worth the pain. 11/10 🤣

livefreeofdie · 2 points · Posted at 05:21:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How much was your hourly salary and how much did you earn on OT?

lbaile200 · 2 points · Posted at 05:27:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

12/hour at the time. Standard 1.5x for ot so 18/hour. But we also had great insurance, free cable and internet, paid vacation and sick time and I think some kind of 401k matching but I was 19 and stupid and didn’t bother with that. They also helped out if you wanted to go to college as well.

livefreeofdie · 1 points · Posted at 11:59:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tell us your other crazy wild Stories

Alice_In_Zombieland · 2 points · Posted at 05:47:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Victoria’s Secret call center for 4 years. Just started working at a Spectrum call center a few months ago. The first weeks I had several very confused callers when I answered the phone “Thank you for choosing Victoria’s Secret, my name is Alice, what can I help you shop for today?”

sad_boy_ · 2 points · Posted at 15:35:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're an asshole. But you probably already know that.

kYura23 · 2 points · Posted at 18:36:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That manager is straight up r/HumanBeingBros material.

King_Fuckface · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That manager is wonderful <3

Cuckmin · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gold worthy comment here. Just wow.

rocky123xo · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Super cool of that manager IMHO!

Mahhone · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So how much did you make?

YourEatingThatWrong · 1 points · Posted at 03:40:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh good on them...

cojohnso · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put money down that this was a franchised store & not Corporate owned.

Love the wholesome ending!

Source: Family of McDonald’s owner-operators

HeyyyKoolAid · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Legitimate question. Does it get busy at a Comcast call center? I'd imagine that there's always someone calling to complain about something, or does it really depends on the hours of the day?

lbaile200 · 3 points · Posted at 04:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It stays constantly busy. They used to have monitors all around the call center that showed how many calls were in queue and it was always hundreds (if not a few thousand) calls in queue.

I took around 40-50 calls a day.

HeyyyKoolAid · 2 points · Posted at 05:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God damn. I worked at a call center briefly. Lasted about a month on the job before I just decided it wasn't for me. We did credit card machines tech support, and we only ever had like 15-30 calls at a given time in queue. But hundreds or thousands? Fuck. I don't know how you do it, but props to you.

lbaile200 · 3 points · Posted at 05:15:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't anymore. Finished my degree and got out of there. It was good money/benefits/perks though while it lasted.

Rootkit9208 · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hah! I've done this at Taco Bell. I also had a co-worker who would occasionally answer the phone and welcome people to Taco Bell when he was on Auto-Pilot.

erink9 · 1 points · Posted at 04:17:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I answer a phone when I’m not at work I have to stop myself from saying my standard work greeting for when the phone rings... I seem to temporarily forget the word ‘hello’ exists

Captain_Peelz · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy mother of overtime.

meagiechu · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair, I've done the exact same thing after only 8 hours of working.

duck_cakes · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven't had many different jobs in my life but three out of the four have involved answering the phone with the company name in the greeting. I have definitely mixed them up in all sorts of combinations more than once.

blacklite911 · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank god you didn’t fall asleep on the road. My friend was working like that and he ended up flipping his car on a fucking side street. Totaled. He just had scratches though. But in Drivers Ed we had a guest speaker who suffered brain damage driving while sleep. She had no short term memory (very little has to write everything down.)

Don’t drive sleep deprived guys.

inaraiseverything · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mine wasn't this crazy but I had 2 jobs at the time. At one someone called and I started greeting like it was the other place then realized and tried to fix it but ended up saying the first thing I had said again. I couldn't for the life of me think of what I should actually say. It's a group home so there's nothing specific that we have to say but we usually use something along the lines of "[home name], [name] speaking". For some reason that was impossible. Luckily the person who called found it funny

NoahLaz · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wireless gateway repair? Haha, quote the characters we’d get!

swingthatwang · 1 points · Posted at 05:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

sleep deprivation is akin to severe alcohol intoxication. thanks for napping in your car instead of driving.

DerelictInfinity · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when I still worked at McDonald’s I went to a Burger King on my day off and said “Hi, welcome to McDonald’s, how can I help you today?” when I rolled up to the speaker

WinchesTerfarFanugen · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That was so nice of the manager. Did you ever get your food?

kingeryck · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a call center too. sometimes I'll call people, when I'm not at work, and then ask if there's anything else they need, out of habit. I just hang up.

Dodgiestyle · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Subscribe

remember_morick_yori · 1 points · Posted at 06:38:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't even care if this is bullshit, the story is great. "Home of the triple play" killed me.

fokkoooff · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something very similar on my second or third day of my first desk job. I had just quit my first job at a fast food joint two weeks prior, it was 8 AM, and I am not a morning person.

I answered the first phone call of the day "Thank you for coming to White Castle, can I take your order?"

I was18 at the time and I wanted to die right then and there.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha. I did this after I quit working for Xbox support. I hated call center work. So I got a retail job.

First day: Customer comes up to the counter.

Me:"Thank you for calling Xbox sup-" ... Customer: +uneasy stare+ Me: Uh... did you find everything alright today?

aoife_reilly · 1 points · Posted at 08:47:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made my day hahaha

Maurycy5 · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

damn you worked 21 hours daily?

EvaCarlisle · 1 points · Posted at 11:54:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this when I got home from a long shift at Domino's. The phone rang and I answered with:

"Thank you for choosing Domino's (my town), this is EvaCarlisle speaking, how can I help you?"

Didsota · 1 points · Posted at 19:56:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you‘d told him you just worked 3 days straight I bet he would have offered you a job

jfk_47 · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww. SLEEPYBOI

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 03:50:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How old are you now

imnotanevilwitch · 0 points · Posted at 04:12:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Serious question were you on drugs because that wouild make this story make a lot more sense to me.

mebeast227 · -1 points · Posted at 12:09:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cynical asshole in me is just screaming "this is a goddamn advertisement!"

Don't like constantly being on egg shells, but I'm so damn jaded from all the shills on political subs :(

porzingod1 · -33 points · Posted at 01:58:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fake and gay

punkterminator · 862 points · Posted at 23:07:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

During Halloween, a child came to my door and said "trick-or-treat", and for some fucking reason I replied with "welcome to [my work]! How can I help you?"

Barbara1182 · 76 points · Posted at 05:12:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once replied, “smell my feet, give me something good to eat”, & the kid got freaked out & started to cry!

WickedRaccoon · 66 points · Posted at 08:06:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus christ sounds like something an orc would say before he eats a child

Barbara1182 · 7 points · Posted at 16:57:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know!! Felt like crap!

Vik3628 · 20 points · Posted at 11:41:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi welcome to chillies

Campbellgr3 · 15 points · Posted at 03:41:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you also wearing your uniform?

punkterminator · 21 points · Posted at 03:46:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wasn't, which made me look extra crazy.

CaptainUnderrated · 9 points · Posted at 05:14:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

'Hello and welcome to Moviefone!'

ClubMeSoftly · 6 points · Posted at 12:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Welcome to Costco, I love you"

soakedmovie · 4 points · Posted at 13:26:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi welcome to chillies

ThePfhor · 3 points · Posted at 11:23:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh!

pls_be_unique · 3 points · Posted at 13:50:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you dressed as a retail zombie?

MaskedDesperation · 2 points · Posted at 19:04:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Up-voted, because I couldn't just leave you with 666! 😈😇

BBRodriguezzz · 225 points · Posted at 01:07:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was fighting my sleep incredibly hard on the highway on the way to work. Still about 20 mins away I fell asleep behind the wheel. Woke up in my usual parking spot, seat belt on and car still running 15 mins late for work. When I woke up I was in such shock since the last thing I remembered was being on the highway I screamed as loud as I could and started flailing cause the seatbelt scared me. Never driven tired again.

[deleted] · 44 points · Posted at 06:28:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

People underestimate how dangerous driving tired is. Please, try to minimize it. Reactions when tired are sometimes worse than when drinking and driving.

BBRodriguezzz · 19 points · Posted at 07:08:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This!!! I now will pull over where ever I’m at and nap and lord knows I’ve slept drunk in my car to avoid danger lol It’s not just you at risk out there, we can’t be so selfish.

phuckman69 · 9 points · Posted at 08:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have to be careful drunk sleeping in the car...can still get a DUI.

BBRodriguezzz · 11 points · Posted at 09:47:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Keys OUT of the ignition people!!!

tatzecom · 4 points · Posted at 09:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not when the 25 minute nap you planned evolve to 10 hours of deep sleep

tatzecom · 3 points · Posted at 09:49:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Psssht, driving tired ain't dangerous, what you sayin? /s

For real tho, don't drive when you're this close to falling asleep. I'm ashamed to admit but it happened more than once that I got into my car and tp'ed to my work place with no recollection of how I got there.

And the amount of times I drove leaned back all the way with only like one eye open is also really high, never felt so insecure before...

banditkeithwork · 3 points · Posted at 19:51:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i once went into a microsleep while driving because i had been only sleeping 3-4 hours a night for a couple months. boy did my passengers not find that fun

Gunty1 · 2 points · Posted at 12:55:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I legit this time last year took 2 weeks hols then came back and changed jobs because this kept happening me. I usualy finished my shift at 2.30am and got home about 4am. Couldnt take it anymore. Way getting dangerous driving home!

[deleted] · 444 points · Posted at 22:59:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

rexar34 · 168 points · Posted at 01:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man I do that to my friends without thinking about it. They only complain when I stop

hunnynotfunny · 27 points · Posted at 02:45:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish someone scratches my head like a dog.

BeardedWonder47 · 17 points · Posted at 04:44:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll do this to my wife every once in a while as a joke and call her a good girl as we have a dog who is a very good girl. She gets mad when I stops and usually turns to me and asks if she "really is a good girl"

Th3CatOfDoom · 9 points · Posted at 20:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe she's kinky :-3

koinu-chan_love · 8 points · Posted at 09:57:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would like to be your friend please.

DeemDNB · 16 points · Posted at 10:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair if you're comfortable enough for lap naps then head scratches don't seem that far fetched.

DylanCO · 15 points · Posted at 03:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It does feel nice.

clankton · 13 points · Posted at 03:41:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay but she was on your lap anyway. Sounds nice

XavierScorpionIkari · 10 points · Posted at 13:49:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone deserves some intimate, non-sexual human contact.

PycoDesi · 3 points · Posted at 16:52:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that to my boyfriend when he takes naps on me. It’s really not weird, it’s oddly comforting in my opinion.

GKinslayer · 995 points · Posted at 00:37:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Full on auto pilot

My mom HATED when I slept in the living room. If she found me sleeping there she would always wake me up and tell me to go to my room. Well one morning she thanked me for being so nice and agreeable. I asked her what she was talking about. She told me when she got home I was sleeping on the sofa and she told me to get up. Well I was told I got up right away an with no argument went up stairs. My mom said she asked me if I had taken my meds and when I told her no I walked right into the bathroom and took them, wished her a good night and went to bed.

I remembered none of it, so it seems I not only slept walk, but also slept talked and slept self-medicated.

DrippyWaffler · 211 points · Posted at 09:47:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came home (very) drunk one night and remembered getting home, but nothing after that. When I woke up my mum asked "sleep well?" super sarcastically.

It had turned out that my brother was unwell so he decided to crash in my mums bed, so she moved to my bed, and when I got home and found her in my bed I just pushed her onto the floor and got in.

Sorry mum, I hope the couch wasn't too bad.

Luckily she found it funny.

Gunty1 · 38 points · Posted at 12:43:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why didnt she sleep in your brothers bed??

DrippyWaffler · 32 points · Posted at 13:02:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother is a small teenager and still had a kids bed, I don't think she would fit

Rbespinosa13 · 15 points · Posted at 20:05:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also if his brother was sick she could’ve caught whatever he had

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:44:03 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Assert dominance. I like it.

Vdaggle · 23 points · Posted at 03:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My little brother does that and will frequently try to go to school at midnight and then yell at me flr not being ready to go

hitztasyj · 15 points · Posted at 03:15:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom hated when I did that too. It infuriated her for some reason.

tjhilder · 11 points · Posted at 13:32:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

mom: “thanks for cleaning the entire house” .... “what?”

TheEpicKid000 · 3 points · Posted at 20:26:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks for making breakfast!

YesilFasulye · 5 points · Posted at 19:48:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Technically, your brain would not have remembered what you did unless you got some REM sleep. It's the same reason I can't remember where I parked if I only get 5 hours of sleep.

GKinslayer · 2 points · Posted at 21:19:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's interesting since for many years I operated with around 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night but was able to remember things very well.

PM_ME_FUN_STORIES · 7 points · Posted at 16:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had a few times where I have full conversations with people that I have no recollection of whatsoever. It's really annoying, cause the person can't tell I'm not completely awake... So they don't bother trying to wake me up some more. Thankfully, it only happens when I'm deep asleep and they try to wake me up to ask me something, so there is that at least.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 18:30:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha you're nicer asleep than awake

[deleted] · 805 points · Posted at 22:57:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

Basherballgod · 86 points · Posted at 00:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So how was the chat?

Intactual · 78 points · Posted at 00:50:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever replied to an email or text in your sleep? I have and it's a nonsensical mess.

Fightik55 · 21 points · Posted at 03:38:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever left a note to yourself while drunk?

Basherballgod · 27 points · Posted at 05:14:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, I left a note next to my bed with a glass of water saying “you are going to be hungover, drink this”

It was vodka. Drunk me is a dick.

Rednartso · 47 points · Posted at 09:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Faaaiiirly certain I've read this exact thing before.

FartleberryPie · 22 points · Posted at 11:33:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah dude is copying someone else

Basherballgod · 2 points · Posted at 02:17:55 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or in an incredible coincidence, different people have the same experience

FartleberryPie · 1 points · Posted at 14:40:22 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Word for word though? 🤔

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 06:00:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m dying, this is fantastic

phuckman69 · 1 points · Posted at 08:38:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gag

pinnekjottt · 44 points · Posted at 01:53:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once answered the phone in my sleep when work called, breathed down the phone for a couple of minutes as they went ‘hello? hello?’ and then silently hung up. Woke up a couple of hours later thinking it was a dream but checked my call log just to be sure. It wasn’t a dream.

Bipolarbearclaws · 38 points · Posted at 02:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night in my sleep I somehow recorded myself sleeping (snoring) and sent it to one of my clients. She was just as confused as me the next day, but made for a good laugh.

[deleted] · 27 points · Posted at 01:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's actually quite impressive. I don't think I'd be able to make a phone call in my sleep.

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 01:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ambien, is that you?

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 02:52:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 03:00:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aw :(

The_Magus_199 · 7 points · Posted at 02:16:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This sounds like the inciting incident for a raucous buddy comedy

peachdoxie · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fanfiction au

billgatesnowhammies · 1 points · Posted at 21:14:14 on January 11, 2019 · (Permalink)

Yes but the buddies are walking-talking /u/Donahue2 and sleepytimes /u/Donahue2. And we'll call it...

... Sleepwakers

cynicalpeach · 7 points · Posted at 09:30:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminded me of my one and only instance of sleepwalking... I was off at one of those summer camps, first night there with two other kids in 'tent' that was a wooden platform with a big tarp over it. I was having a dream about riding a horse, and the horse tried to yank the reins out of my hands, so I grabbed them tight and pulled back hard. Then I got kicked in the head, which mostly woke me up... I was holding one of my tent mates around the knees of her sleeping bag, dragging her out of her spot. She said, "cynicalpeach, what are you doing?" to which I could only reply, "I'm sorry, I don't know." So she said, "well, STOP it!" so of course I let go and scooted back to my position and fell back asleep. The kind of creepy part is that our third tent mate says that she saw/heard me get up and leave the tent after that (having been woken up by the scuffle), and although i have no memory of that, I did wake up on the outside of my sleeping bag with muddy wet socks.

RunningRacingDancing · 4 points · Posted at 05:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You just reminded me that I woke up to something like this while napping on a vacation! It was the room phone and I could have sworn it rang, but after sort of speaking with them it came off as if I had called them. They hung up before I got any real answers.

I'm sure they were very annoyed with groggy me asking what they wanted.

BatteredRose92 · 4 points · Posted at 08:00:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man my phone has this feature where it'll put people I've called as a contact to quick call or text and my son's father ended up on there. On 3 separate occasions I've called him in the wee hours of the morning because I forgot to lock my phone. After the third time I had to sit down and figure out how to get that shit off. So embarrassing.

HeadChef8 · 2 points · Posted at 12:07:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit I did exactly the same thing a couple years ago except i’d called my boss in my sleep. That one was a bit awkward, lucky he was a chill guy though.

Bunnyjets · 5198 points · Posted at 00:30:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking to my boyfriend while he was eating a sandwich. In mid sentence, he ripped a piece off and threw it at my face. He looked stunned when I didn't open my mouth and catch it (we have a dog)

We both nearly pee'd laughing

istolethisface · 404 points · Posted at 03:14:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I was driving with my now-ex and I pulled out of the driveway, and apparently cut someone off bad (I didn't see them). In a panic, my ex shouted my name - except he shouted the name of his family dog. I was never sure if I should have felt insulted, but it was a good laugh.

Edit: My first Silver! Thank you!!!

Live_Think_Diagnosis · 24 points · Posted at 09:58:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that but with my brother's name. If people do annoying or careless things I just shout my brother's name at them before hearing myself. I also call my brother dad sometimes when I'm talking with him (he's younger than me)

LaurenLdfkjsndf · 342 points · Posted at 02:00:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is excellent

[deleted] · 125 points · Posted at 04:14:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Argercy · 158 points · Posted at 05:19:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my son was a toddler he brought me a toy once and when he handed it to me to look at I threw it across the room. I have two dogs. My kid didn’t even get upset, he went after it and brought it back. Then I realized what I just did.

PancakeQueen13 · 66 points · Posted at 05:36:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me chuckle. But hey, toddlers aren't much different than dogs in that regard. Play fetch with both!

crunkadocious · 21 points · Posted at 06:59:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Damn it baby eat your tots"

leeabelle · 11 points · Posted at 05:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lmao

sxma · 91 points · Posted at 04:27:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

whenever my dog yawns I'll poke his tongue to annoy him and sometimes I catch myself doing that to my friends

I_Arted · 22 points · Posted at 07:22:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At first this made me wonder how many friends you have lost. But now, I just feel bad for your dog. Why would u do that to someone (your dog) who loves you so much.

PoiLethe · 11 points · Posted at 09:07:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the same sometimes. He annoys me all the time. I think it must be a sibling thing. He tries to lick my face all the time and I thought the funny reverse of that is touching his tongue.

sxma · 5 points · Posted at 16:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wouldn't do it to my dog if I thought it actually bothered him. He just gives me a funny look and will usually lick me afterwards. My friends think it's funny after the initial shock. I can't imagine being friends with someone who wouldn't want to be friends with me after something so small.

I_Arted · 0 points · Posted at 22:05:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The funny look is because your dog is confused and thinking it did something bad. The lick is a submissive gesture of apology. You think it is funny, but you dog is being conditioned to not be allowed to yawn or think yawning is bad, even though it is involuntary. It's kind of mean of you in my opinion. At least your friends can decide if it is funny or not (but likely your friends put up with it because of other nicer qualities you have). Basically, you are inappropriately invading personal space of others. That's not cool.

goonsugar · -4 points · Posted at 15:56:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right? Don't mindlessly steal simple enjoyment just cause it gets your rocks off.
Examine all of your motives, especially for things you take pleasure from.

(also, i just have a thing about yawns. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, where your finger be?)

gerhoemi · 2 points · Posted at 10:10:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the exact same thing (but with a cat and my significant other)!

natrlselection · 34 points · Posted at 06:47:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I started yawning when my wife was peeling an avocado. She had just started, and pulled the little nubbin off and threw it into my open mouth. It went straight back into my throat, and stifled my yawn. Neither one of us knows why she did that.

Limelight1357 · 24 points · Posted at 06:08:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes find my self whistling to my kids or kissing my lips together. Like I would if I was calling my dog. But it’s to my kids.

doodwheresmydood · 11 points · Posted at 06:51:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this to my nieces. I have 2 dogs and no children.

xenacoryza · 1 points · Posted at 20:05:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try really hard to remember not to do this with my 11 mo

vinegarstrokes5 · 19 points · Posted at 04:28:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cried when I read this. Amazing

K_bergalicious · 49 points · Posted at 03:32:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good god me and my fiancé are laughing so hard that a) I couldn’t even tell him these three sentences without laughing hysterically and b) he would totally do something like this to me

ActiveRemote · 30 points · Posted at 05:59:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend is asleep next to me and I'm biting the blanket to muffle my laughter.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 21:03:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Neat

Murdock92188 · 10 points · Posted at 06:26:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You've been initiated as man's best friend now.

Talaltious · 6 points · Posted at 06:41:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy crap, I don't remember the last time something made me laugh so much. Thanks for sharing this.

Roggie77 · 6 points · Posted at 05:39:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Should have opened your mouth and caught it 😂

samdezz23 · 4 points · Posted at 08:19:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg this one has me crying laughing. 😂 this is the best thing I’ve ever read.

SomaCityWard · 3 points · Posted at 06:13:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you sitting on the floor looking up at him?

FictionalHuman · 3 points · Posted at 06:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now that gave me such a hearty chuckle! I can see myself doing the same.

bzztmachine · 2 points · Posted at 05:41:53 on January 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

You just made me laugh-force-unlaugh for 3 minutes at work. Good stuff

Rednartso · 2 points · Posted at 08:26:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit, this thread is fucking great. I ran out of breath by laughing!

ranrathore · 1 points · Posted at 09:43:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You are his bitch now.

FastskullYT · -49 points · Posted at 05:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He thought you were the dog because you were being a bitch.

livefreeofdie · -30 points · Posted at 06:04:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She had it coming

MustyYew · 9 points · Posted at 10:22:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

except she didnt???

[deleted] · 424 points · Posted at 00:14:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving a friend to his home at 2am, had my gps on, knew where I was going, been there 15 times before.

We pull up to my house, he turns to me and says "did we need to stop here before you drop me at my house?"

No. No we didn't. I'll take you home now.

milkbong420 · 12 points · Posted at 06:08:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ive done this exact same fucking thing to a t.

timconradinc · 1431 points · Posted at 22:04:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to use my house keys to board the bus.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 657 points · Posted at 22:19:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did the bus driver react?

Lampfishlish · 429 points · Posted at 01:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

unrelated: thank you for being such an invested OP! you come across as being genuinely interested in these responses bc youre taking the time to comment on so many of them. hope you have a blessed christmas ♡

TheOPOne_ · 131 points · Posted at 03:24:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this is the most wholesome thing I've seen on reddit, merry christmas

DamnedNames · 53 points · Posted at 04:46:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude, this made me smile big. Merry Christmas to you too.

[deleted] · 28 points · Posted at 05:14:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And may you all actually stick to your resolutions this time

pepcorn · 24 points · Posted at 05:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

No! It is tradition to break every new year's resolution 😊

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 06:11:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My new year’s resolution is to not keep a single resolution!

pepcorn · 11 points · Posted at 06:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha, I love it. Does that mean you'll fail or succeed by default?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 14 points · Posted at 11:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awww! Thank you, I did my best.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and new year ❤️

pknk6116 · 17 points · Posted at 04:11:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"get off my lawn you damn kids!"

MrCelroy · 3 points · Posted at 06:32:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was gonna add a bus driver joke here...but nah

Shraker · 66 points · Posted at 23:15:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll often try to unlock my front door with my car remote.

KneadedByCats · 30 points · Posted at 23:58:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

SO many times. Or use my office keys.

RiftBladeMC · 3 points · Posted at 06:15:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just read "office keys" as "waffle keys" 🤣

mustang-GT90210 · 8 points · Posted at 01:40:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Having 2 vehicles, I know this feeling all too well. Nothing like walking to your truck, and getting your motorcycle key stuck in the door.

The worst part, the keys and key chains could not be more different between the two sets. I just grabbed a set of keys, and cursed for 5 minutes until I finally got them back out!

alreetlike · 28 points · Posted at 23:27:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this. I've also tried to use my work pass on my front door and couldn't get into the main door of the office block one morning because I was punching in my pin code for the gym.

Lientjuh · 16 points · Posted at 00:18:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I have tried my work pass on the front door too. And my SO just laughing while I wondered where the card reader was.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:57:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to open gas station doors with my badge too. Then a smooth move like nothing happened.

Tempest_and_Lily · 9 points · Posted at 00:23:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here. I've tried to scan my work badge to get into my apartment a couple of times. And tried to unlock the door with my car key.

seabreezesqueeze · 14 points · Posted at 23:18:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever tried opening your house with your car keys though! I was exhausted didn’t work very well -1/10 would not recommend

jakkofclubs121 · 5 points · Posted at 01:35:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the other direction, putting my house key into my ignition and just about shit myself when it didn't want to come out

Sacredauto · 3 points · Posted at 02:20:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More often than I’d like to admit I try to use my work keys to get into my house. I spend too much time at work.

Lemurtin · 2 points · Posted at 11:12:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hold my work fob and apartment fob together and scan both when I go to either place. I started doing this because I so often try to use the wrong one while on autopilot.

ohmytosh · 3 points · Posted at 03:11:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My house key and the key to my office are the same shape and size. I have them on different rings with a colored canvas tag on the one for my house. I still get it wrong both ways about half the time.

spamyak · 2 points · Posted at 02:46:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to use my work door card to open unlocked doors in public buildings.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:25:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to use my smart card to open up my house door.

asleepunderthebridge · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to use my car key fob to open my dorm building door

runnyc10 · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to use my metro card to get into my apartment :)

WickedRaccoon · 1 points · Posted at 07:44:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Woo boy what a day!" as you step inside the bus and throw your coat on the bus driver

Kiedgendary · 3126 points · Posted at 22:31:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

At the gym, there is an arm curl machine. Typically I do a heavy amount, but that day I was tired and pretty brain dead. As I used the machine, I didn’t realise that there was no weight on it, and I tried curling it with effort as normal. I ended up slamming myself in the head with the bar, and everyone in the gym heard it..

Edit:thanks for the upvotes!!

TexasTmac · 123 points · Posted at 02:29:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Alternatively...I was at the store about 30 minutes ago. The typical stuff; bread, lunch meat, milk, some chips. After I pay at the cashier I grab my bread/lunch meat sack and milk with one hand and proceed to almost eject the chips sack into orbit because my mind had already set my lift capacity to 'gallon of milk' despite having already picked it up.

Gospel_of_Fredbird · 36 points · Posted at 04:17:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm laughing way to hard at "almost eject the chips sack into orbit"!

mustang-GT90210 · 124 points · Posted at 01:43:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's like taking the last step on a staircase, and almost falling over when you realize you were already at the top!

Lurknonymouse · 29 points · Posted at 01:47:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right there with you man! I once forgot that I had just removed weight, doing a reverse pyramid sets and lifted it with enough force to taste blood after the hit! Lol

skdubbs · 80 points · Posted at 23:59:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha thanks for the good laugh.

davzig · 24 points · Posted at 02:52:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the squat bar. Plates loaded only on one side as I unrack the weight and begin to squat.. I start to tip. I recover and rerack , look around to make sure nobody saw me... Not so lucky, the cool personal trainer is watching me from across the floor, eyes locked on. Shaking his head like.." These goddamn idiots. "

P0sitive_Outlook · 26 points · Posted at 03:39:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My colleagues and i throw 15-20kg nylon bags full of books the length of an artic trailer for eight hours a day. I once threw a bag and said "Careful, it's heavy" and my buddy smacked himself in the chest as he lifted a bag full of shredded paper. :D

That same guy threw something long and silver and said "Catch this wrench!" The other guy flinched like a toddler as the wrench bounced off of his shoulder and landed on the floor. It was a toy.

AwkwardSummers · 13 points · Posted at 03:33:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking to someone at the gym, sat backwards on a machine and started my set. I even said "This doesn't feel right" but kept the conversation going. It's when I noticed him smirking and trying to suppress a laugh that I realized what I was doing lol.

BeauDog · 12 points · Posted at 02:53:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this exact same thing on Monday! We have a preacher curl machine and I totally spaced putting a plate on and ended up decking myself in the face. Thankfully nobody saw..or if they did they didn't say anything, lol.

mirmoolade · 8 points · Posted at 02:52:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was recently pretty tired at the gym and as I was getting off a machine let the weights slam back down... I cringed as visibly as possibly hoping that everyone knew it was an accident lol

TRFKTA · 6 points · Posted at 02:54:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve had a somewhat similar thing happen where having worked on squats for a month, my trainer put me on leg press with a ‘warm up’ weight. Part of me thought it’d be at least slightly challenging so I put a fair bit of force into it and the weight flew up like paper.

goaskalice3 · 6 points · Posted at 04:18:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once in the gym I turned around and started walking before registering what was in front of me and walked face first into the end of a barbell on a squat rack. I had a rhino horn for days

Siniroth · 13 points · Posted at 03:16:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar to that, at work I normally deal with 20 lb parts, one day I was moved to another line to help out and their parts weigh half a pound (cast iron and big to aluminum and small), so I went to pick up a part and promptly threw my arm back with enough force to lose my balance and almost chuck the part across the plant

cgduncan · 3 points · Posted at 02:22:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I weep for you brother

erm4gundr · 2 points · Posted at 03:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes after doing curls my arm just keeps going. Not much more to say really.

MassaF1Ferrari · 2 points · Posted at 05:15:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone does it, my dude. And then you turn around to see if anyone saw you then remember no one gives a shit about anyone else at the gym.

WickedRaccoon · 2 points · Posted at 07:42:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im imagining you laying there unconscious while people are watching

"Crossfit is getting really weird."

Yawheyy · 2 points · Posted at 09:52:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One summer I was lifting 5-6 days a week and finally was in a good routine going all the time. I had my headphones in, doing a warm up set on the bench press and added another plate to one side of the barbell. Then my phone rang and it was my mom so I answered and talked for a minute, forgetting I had only added extra weight to one side. The call ends, I restart the music to get myself psyched again and throw all my strength into the bar only to have one arm basically not move and the other extend all the way up. All the weights dropped off one side then the weight shifted to the other side and then those weights fell off. I re-racked everything, immediately walked out the door and never returned to that gym location again.

TypeOneAuthor · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’d skip the gym that day...

fachero18 · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was.doing dumbbell flys with different sized dumbbells ! I was getting into the workout you know and I people were staring at me. I did three full sets....and when I went to put the weights back then I realized my they were staring at me bc they thought I was stupid. I was severely out of shape at the time and it they knew it wasn’t on purpose.

Insaneular · 1 points · Posted at 07:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the opposite the other day. I’m trading off on a chest press machine with a guy and I go to do my set before I realize he left his weight on there. I’m a girl, so I lift a bit different than most guys lol. I try to lift it and I am struggling before I realize “oh shit that’s like 75 and I cannot do that”

Caddywonked · 1 points · Posted at 16:31:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up early to go to the gym, was the only woman there, grabbed my freeweights and went to sit on a bench. Managed to overshoot the bench and ended up falling on my ass on the floor, one leg up on the bench... multiple guys came over to check if I was ok. I'm not the most graceful person ever, but that was definitely the worst I've fallen in public.

kelvin_klein_bottle · 0 points · Posted at 02:49:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thats what you get for using machines. Filthy peasant.

KTbadger · -2 points · Posted at 04:34:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why are people downvoting what is clearly just a joke?

[deleted] · 201 points · Posted at 22:57:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove a half mile to a grocery store, bought a bag of food, walked home with it and stopped in horror at the sight of my empty driveway....then I phoned the police to report my car stolen......

ScifiGirl1986 · 82 points · Posted at 01:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About 10 years ago, my aunt took my uncle (her brother) Christmas shopping at a local shopping center. After finishing on one side of the center, they got in her car and drove to the other side. When they finished shopping, they both walked back to her original parking space to find that it was empty. My uncle called the cops and after about 20 minutes of talking to the police he realized what they did.

Not one but two people had the same autopilot, apparently.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 01:51:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay, now I feel a little better, thanks ;)

Little_Mel · 2 points · Posted at 07:40:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad and I were going to pick up my dog from the grooming salon at a PetSmart. We used to take her to a PetSmart about 45 minutes away but our usual groomer moved to a closer one. Well my dad drove all the way to the old PetSmart. We both then proceeded to get out of the car, walk into the store to the back where the grooming salon is located, and just as we're about to walk in, we both stop in our tracks and look at each other. Welp. It was an awkward car ride to the right PetSmart.

Paptreek · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did they find it?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually realized what I'd done seconds before they showed up (fortunately I had phoned the non-emergency line) but of course had to explain to them in my driveway.....I still cringe just thinking about the memory.....

Paptreek · 1 points · Posted at 18:32:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thats great, haha!

Mom_is_watching · 8659 points · Posted at 22:28:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Trying to unlock the front door of my house with my car remote.

Edit: Wow, platinum! Thanks so much kind stranger!

pittipat · 236 points · Posted at 01:10:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get mad when the front door doesn't just unlock like the car. I have to dig my keys out of my purse like some kind of peasant!

sexualcatperson · 39 points · Posted at 06:11:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get a smartlock and set it to open when your in a certain GPS area.

snipsers · 69 points · Posted at 06:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or just tear out your car door and replace the front door you already have!

copperhc · 14 points · Posted at 06:23:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Great idea. Will try it next time.

sexualcatperson · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:16 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Agreed! Perfect solution!

[deleted] · 17 points · Posted at 06:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

glenkrit · 3 points · Posted at 07:35:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can pick up a August on sale for 150. And its a great option

sexualcatperson · 2 points · Posted at 03:43:57 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

August deadbolt replacement is what I currently have due to living in an apartment. It's about 130 but you can get it for cheaper during a sale. I guess it depends what you mean by overpriced.

LordoftheScheisse · 14 points · Posted at 06:42:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus fuck this exactly. My 2008 car has keyless start/entry. I can't ever go back. I won't buy a vehicle that requires keys ever again, which is a shame because a lot of vehicles don't offer that feature.

leoliquidvapor · 1 points · Posted at 07:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty much every car has that feature now

emmster · 1 points · Posted at 08:10:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As long as you don’t keep cars so long that the keyless stuff breaks. The electronic fob is a keychain for me now. It’ll still lock the doors and pop the trunk, but I’m opening doors and starting the engine the old fashioned way now.

ImpossibleShip · 2 points · Posted at 10:08:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

But you can just get a new fob for a couple hundred bucks. Little spendy but worth it to me!

emmster · 1 points · Posted at 22:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, that turned out not to be the problem. I had a spare fob already, and it’s something in the electronics in the car. That’s a much more expensive fix, it turns out.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 06:52:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

happ cacc

modfather84 · 6 points · Posted at 07:17:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
AMasonJar · 2 points · Posted at 07:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hpp ck

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:04:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hp c

OfficialSandwichMan · 18 points · Posted at 04:16:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

ScrubQueen · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude my friend legit had one of those for her apartment door so she could lock the deadbolt from outside. It was really cool.

NikkiBit · 1 points · Posted at 16:39:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

[deleted] · 42 points · Posted at 02:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time

xtinies · 10 points · Posted at 05:37:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every. Day.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:31:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m impressed you do this every day without catching on

imOverWhere · 25 points · Posted at 01:55:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're already living in 2019

TheRealVamp · 16 points · Posted at 01:41:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this several times with my locker back in high school

printflour · 1 points · Posted at 12:38:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

same!!

ScootchyMcNugget · 16 points · Posted at 03:48:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m so glad I’m not the only one that does this...

P0sitive_Outlook · 10 points · Posted at 03:53:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like trying to answer the phone with the iron.

copperhc · 7 points · Posted at 06:25:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ouch.

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 13:46:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What goes "helloAAAAARGH!!"?

Steevie Wonder answering the iron.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:29:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What kind of life do you lead, that ironing your clothes is still a necessity?

metty______ · 2 points · Posted at 06:52:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So all you wear is polyester?

P0sitive_Outlook · 1 points · Posted at 13:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you all have missing ____ in your ____names?

pdy18 · 12 points · Posted at 04:11:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did this today. Then I got confused because I don't carry a house key and my car key doesn't fit in the door. It took a minute before I entered the code to unlock my keypad door.

Glorious_Spoon · 18 points · Posted at 04:32:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently tried to unlock my refrigerator with my car keys.

AcronymSoup · 9 points · Posted at 02:53:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saaaaaaame!

Jawnntrawnn · 7 points · Posted at 04:22:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this more times than I'd like to admit.

pattyjesserson · 6 points · Posted at 05:31:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to lock my house with my car fob when I went to walk to work. I was very surprised when my car beeped.

Mmmn_fries · 12 points · Posted at 05:39:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a newer car so I don't need to stick my key in the ignition (hope that's the right term). One day, I had to drive my husband's car, which is much older. Got in, put on my seatbelt and tried to press the button to start the car except there wasn't a button. Had to sit there for a bit and try to remember what to do next. Lol.

Lesp00n · 3 points · Posted at 08:51:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done the opposite. Friend wanted me to move their car, so he hands me the keys. It’s a key less ignition, so I’m already like ‘ummmm, what?’ But I eventually see the button. It’s also a hybrid, so I press the button and the radio comes on, the instrument panel lights up, etc, but I hear no engine. I assumed I’d done the equivalent of putting the keys in but not turning the key. Nope, damn thing was all the way on. I drove that car several times afterwards and it weirded me out how quiet it was every single time.

Mom_is_watching · 1 points · Posted at 11:17:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now I suddenly want an electric car too.

babyrabiesfatty · 9 points · Posted at 04:33:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this All. The. Time.

peach_xanax · 4 points · Posted at 04:33:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gotten my house keys out of my purse when I got to work a few times now lol. I guess because I'm so used to getting them out when I get out of the car.

BranTheNightKing · 4 points · Posted at 06:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to turn the volume of people in the living room down with the remote control when I'm overwhelmed.

hat-of-sky · 2 points · Posted at 06:49:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If only you could mute them and turn on the closed captioning!

BranTheNightKing · 3 points · Posted at 06:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

300 years from now augmented reality will allow that. I wish the afterlife was just a time machine you could use to look anywhere and anytime into the universe.

Hopefulkitty · 4 points · Posted at 06:26:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have keyless entry to my car and used to have an attached garage. I never needed my keys in my hand. Then once I tried to get in the front door and took a few seconds to figure out why it didn't just open.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 05:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😂tried that before too

tellreded · 3 points · Posted at 05:47:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done this multiple times. And I have ocd so I have to lock my car 5 times before I believe it's locked. I live 70 feet away from my car but if I press that unlock, I can't take that chance that it unlocked.

randomhousewife · 3 points · Posted at 05:57:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So.many.times!

alextyrian · 3 points · Posted at 06:16:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I get into any car, I reach into my pockets to unlock it, even when it's not my car.

zedgathegreat · 3 points · Posted at 06:48:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done kinda the opposite: I tried swiping my work badge to get into my car.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:50:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week I walked out of a final and to my bike which was locked outside the building and pulled the key fob for my truck out and hit the unlock button as I walked up to the bike racks.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:30:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We use electronic badges at the school I work at. I have tried to swipe my badge to open my house door more than once. I have even called security because my badge was not working...

MoonstruckMind · 2 points · Posted at 04:39:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was your mom watching?

ibrudiiv · 0 points · Posted at 06:37:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She was waiting for him to break his arms

Culinarytracker · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, not in this thread.

jordoonearth · 2 points · Posted at 05:01:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weekly...

This happens to me on a weekly basis.

blindguywhostaresatu · 2 points · Posted at 05:20:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this soo many times

EclecticBlue · 2 points · Posted at 05:23:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that several times. I need one of those programmable locks...

Mouler · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this twice now, with a door at work. I'm tempted to try to retrieve the security camera footage

CGoode87 · 2 points · Posted at 05:44:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do this with every door I came up to walking from my car. Grrrrr!!! I hate it when I feel dumb.

Deadlywhiteboii · 2 points · Posted at 05:45:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that with the gate at my work. I was soooooooo tired

AubinCLemar · 2 points · Posted at 05:49:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ive done that atleast 5 times.

aka1182 · 2 points · Posted at 06:01:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the same day: tried to get in the subway with my work card, tried to get in the office with my apartment Fob key, tried to get in my house with the office key... still smh at that day

BrickyJrMartinez · 2 points · Posted at 06:01:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do it almost daily

thisisthewell · 2 points · Posted at 06:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to open my car door with my work HID card once.

Fyrestar333 · 2 points · Posted at 07:34:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to open my door to my house with my work card before

Raptr117 · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We’ve all been there mate

Jareddean54 · 2 points · Posted at 06:30:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So many nights I come home and try to unlock my door with my car key

exrll · 2 points · Posted at 06:32:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ya know I’m wondering why that isn’t a thing already? That’d be a killer business idea.

lord_swoo · 2 points · Posted at 06:33:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grabbed someone else’s water bottle. I didn’t even have a water to begin with. Pretty strange when i handed back to the guy “ hey that’s my water!” Oh shit sorry man I thought it was mine”

TonyDungyHatesOP · 2 points · Posted at 06:36:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

arf!

fall0ut · 2 points · Posted at 06:42:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In your defense front doors to our houses should have remote unlock. Actually now a days it should know I live there and just fucking open when I approach.

Captain_Collin · 2 points · Posted at 06:46:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad I'm not the only one.

MineIsTheRightAnswer · 2 points · Posted at 06:50:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this many, many times!

logicbecauseyes · 2 points · Posted at 06:51:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this to my apartment every damn day

slenderbetty · 2 points · Posted at 06:54:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that today ha

ValleyKilmers · 2 points · Posted at 06:59:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can relate

inflatedBITS · 2 points · Posted at 07:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happens to me every other day :’(

_greeneggsandsam_ · 2 points · Posted at 07:18:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This but also to add onto this, trying to unlock my car by hitting the lock button on the side of my phone repeatedly.

NeoN_kiler · 2 points · Posted at 07:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this every morning I press the unlock button expecting it to unluck and wonder why my front door won’t open

Trumpville-Imbeciles · 2 points · Posted at 07:29:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also do this frequently, this would have been my answer. This is pretty common I think

I_love_pillows · 2 points · Posted at 08:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to open my house door with my office key card

Moikle · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often pull out my wallet to unlock my door

youusedtoseeit · 2 points · Posted at 08:24:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this once to the automatic doors at the grocery store. It worked!

Mom_is_watching · 2 points · Posted at 11:07:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use the Force to open automatic doors.

bihufflepuff · 2 points · Posted at 08:36:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg I've done this before. I even tapped the car remote on the door lock and wondered why it wasnt working!

KingoftheGinge · 2 points · Posted at 09:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similarly, I have an access card for work. I've mixed it up with my key both in work and at home. Getting my house key out to enter the office... standing trying to figure out where to swipe to get it my house etc.

jemslie123 · 2 points · Posted at 09:04:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that all the time

RandomRedditUser1337 · 2 points · Posted at 09:04:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! I’ve done this far too many times

scubaguy194 · 2 points · Posted at 09:28:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have to use a keycard to open my door to my university flat. I've tried to do the same at my actual home before.

benevolentpotato · 2 points · Posted at 09:28:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Far too often my brain suggests calling lost items that aren't phones. "Anybody know where my wallet is?" "Have you tried calling it?"

FlobbleChops · 2 points · Posted at 09:48:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

London: work pass, door key, Oyster card.

All interchangeable, in my mind.

jennftw · 2 points · Posted at 12:59:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I used to ride in my ex’s car as a passenger I’d try and lock it with my car key fob. Not anyone else—just his car.

bungojot · 2 points · Posted at 14:00:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like this would have been an episode of Red Green.

Lizzie7493 · 2 points · Posted at 14:15:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We're with you pal. I once tried to open the door to my house with my employee card from work, took me a while to figure out why it wasn't working on this door.

clara_album · 2 points · Posted at 14:50:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive through an intersection that’s almost always a red light when I get to it. A few months ago it was green but I still stopped at it and waited, it wasn’t until my sister said anything that I realized.

Mom_is_watching · 1 points · Posted at 15:52:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you me?

Fluffyandsafe · 2 points · Posted at 17:06:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came back from Disneyworld where everything is paid for and unlocked with a magic band on your wrist. Got to my door after 10+ hours of travel to almost breakdown crying because my wrist wouldn't open my front door.

Njordsvif · 2 points · Posted at 20:00:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sick all last week and tried to do this at least twice.

motherofbadkittens · 4 points · Posted at 04:47:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It is good to see that YES! I am not the only one who has done this. Then also get upset about "Why IS THIS door not UNLOCKING!!@$#@

aprzn123 · 2 points · Posted at 05:01:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read that as horse.

redrose5396 · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I tried to see how far away the car remote unlock button would work.....for the front door of my apartment building...

Ainaraoftime · 196 points · Posted at 23:22:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed a tea bag from the box, put it in the mug without getting it out of its little plastic baggie first, then took that mug to the sink and poured some cold water right into it.

Worst tea I've ever made.

Dogbiker · 25 points · Posted at 01:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made tea, the normal way, while deep in conversation and then proceeded to pour coffee and milk in the same cup. It took me a minute to realize why my tea tasted horrible.

greenmochaa · 5 points · Posted at 09:31:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Before I got a kettle, I used to make my tea in the microwave. One time I grabbed a cup, put in the tea bag and then shoved the cup into the microwave. It took me a few seconds to realize I had forgotten the water.

Depressaccount · 3 points · Posted at 01:32:05 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Interesting, I usually do the water in the mic, then add bag later. Partly because of the old stapled (metal) tags, partly due to glues. I wonder if the outcome is different?

greenmochaa · 1 points · Posted at 09:02:38 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hmmm interesting, I had never thought of that. Makes sense though. Nah, I was used to putting in the tea bag with the water since my lazy ass didn’t want to wait for the tea to steep and loose heat altogether when I had the option of drinking it straight out of the microwave. My logic was that as the water heated up, the tea will start steeping in the process. Don’t know if it made a difference or not though :/

ponyfart · 1512 points · Posted at 22:37:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a deadline and I was very sleep deprived. I drank a lot of coffee so I had to visit the loo a lot. One particular pee visit late at night, I went to wash my hands as usual but the tap wouldn't budge. I kept turning it yet no water would come out.

So I did what most adults would do when that happens. I started crying and called for someone to check it, saying that I broke the tap in between gasps.

Boyfriend walked to the sink and magically fixed the tap. I was turning it the wrong way.

JudasCrinitus · 64 points · Posted at 06:06:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once forgot which direction hot is on the crank in my shower and for a full week was convinced the hot water heater was broken and took freezing cold quick showers

ponyfart · 7 points · Posted at 21:44:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I suppose you felt very awake after each shower for a week! I am not sure I'd manage to complete even one shower with freezing cold water.

[deleted] · 41 points · Posted at 05:29:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We’ve all been there.

Hope you feel better, friend ❤️

ponyfart · 2 points · Posted at 21:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you! ❤️

Ae11111 · 31 points · Posted at 05:37:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to get the water to start by waiving my hands under the faucet, even tapping it bc maybe it’s a touch faucet. No, all I needed to do it use the handle to turn it on. Apparently not all faucets are automatic.

ponyfart · 2 points · Posted at 21:47:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you have taps with sensors at home?

Ae11111 · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha no. Just me on autopilot in a public restroom like at work.

bamji · 8 points · Posted at 06:04:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clever

PGDesign · 2 points · Posted at 20:38:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a minute there I was concerned how that was going to end.

ponyfart · 2 points · Posted at 21:49:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha thankfully I was just being stupid

saikron · 1 points · Posted at 17:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm really jealous you nabbed that username.

Stargate525 · 565 points · Posted at 00:37:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was super tired. The route to my therapist and my workplace is the same for the first few miles.

Was ten minutes past the split when I realized I needed to go to WORK and not the doc. Turned around. I was home before I realized I still needed to go to WORK...

Jrme1315 · 32 points · Posted at 06:12:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wouldve just called off and went back to bed

lolwuuut · 26 points · Posted at 06:13:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's when you give up and just take the day off 😒

banditkeithwork · 5 points · Posted at 19:47:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

some say, you're still driving that circuit to this very day, trapped in a loop

s1256 · 394 points · Posted at 23:22:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was maybe 12 or 13 watching a Cheech and Chong movie with my older brother and there was a sketch about hairy palms and masterbating. I got up to get something to eat. I chose a yogurt. The only clean utensil was a little crab fork. I walked back in the room and declared, “I’m going to masterbate with this little fork”. Meant to say eat yogurt but was thinking abut the sketch. Did not hear the end of it for years.

senpaixsammy · 43 points · Posted at 08:40:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid, I was play fighting with my sister and she kicked me in the crotch and I yelled “you kicked me in the virginity” and everyone in the house heard, still gets brought up decades later 😂

Jhesus_Monkey · 14 points · Posted at 09:51:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my GOD

billgatesnowhammies · 3 points · Posted at 21:17:06 on January 11, 2019 · (Permalink)

This is literally the funniest shit I have ever read on reddit

Jrme1315 · 11 points · Posted at 06:35:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds painful

BladeGustVexilloBall · 11 points · Posted at 04:53:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that with my writing

KarkatFan909 · 6 points · Posted at 04:53:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think i did that once with my science in school, i'm not too

nuclearsalt · 536 points · Posted at 00:08:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working at a coffee shop. Customer orders coffee. I pulled out the cardboard sleeve and popped it open, then poured the coffee directly into the sleeve. I forgot to put the cup INTO the sleeve first.

KanadrAllegria · 13 points · Posted at 04:35:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done that with soup: pick up a saucer, forget to put. bowl on it, ladle soup onto the saucer.

tehmooch · 17 points · Posted at 08:12:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reddit taught me those are called Zarfs! You poured coffee into the zarf!

I dunno why I bothered to mention it but that small useless fact was super interesting to me that day and I never forgot it.

Anyway, enjoy.

eekamuse · 2 points · Posted at 15:58:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did enjoy that. Another useless fact I can bore people with. Thx

usernotfound-_- · 6 points · Posted at 08:55:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gone to grind some coffee beans for a pour over, then turn and dump my freshly ground beans into the used grounds bin.

tortilla11 · 2 points · Posted at 12:52:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked in a coffee shop auto-pilot meant I steamed a ton of milk for iced lattes.

SuetyFiddle · 2 points · Posted at 15:45:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

C: Americano, please.
Me: milk and sugar?
C: full fat, two sugars.
Me: tears top off sugar packets and empties them out into the coffee grounds drawers
One of the builders, who was working on the train station, and would be there for months. They brought it up every day for weeks

jkotwa93 · 1852 points · Posted at 22:50:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I just finished getting my hair cut and walked out to get into my car. I got into the back seat and sat there for a minute before realizing that I drove myself there. Worst part was the salon has a glass storefront and I was parked front and centre.

Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

[deleted] · 153 points · Posted at 00:02:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh so hard because I have done this too.

SkullCreekVol · 46 points · Posted at 02:52:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I open the back door a lot when I'm by myself because I'm used to putting my son in his car seat. When I open the back door and don't have my son, I pretend to be looking for something for a few seconds before shutting the door and getting in the front.

prof_the_doom · 25 points · Posted at 00:42:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So many times have I walked to the passenger side of my own car.

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 05:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know, I just realized I’ve never actually sat in my passenger seat

jkotwa93 · 8 points · Posted at 09:06:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was the first time in my back seat tbh

JAproofrok · 11 points · Posted at 01:47:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahah that is absolutely amazing

re_nonsequiturs · 6 points · Posted at 03:33:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you save by cleaning up a bit?

csoup1414 · 5 points · Posted at 13:03:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar happened last week.

We are a one car family and we needed the car while my husband worked. We decided to drop him off and to get a bite to eat at the restaurant he worked at.

My brain forgot he arrived with us but wasn't leaving with us. I put my kids in the car and sat in the passenger seat and started piddling around on my phone.

My daughter asked after a bit "Are we just waiting until daddy gets off?"

Who knows how long I would have sat there if she didn't say anything.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 03:13:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh to the point where it started to hurt.

TimberRiveter · 3 points · Posted at 05:12:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't count how many times I've gone to the passenger side of my own vehicle. Especially right after I got my driver's license. I'm embarrassed to say, it still happens occasionally. (It's even worse when you're giving someone a ride).

WickedRaccoon · 3 points · Posted at 07:55:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Take me home Jeeves.

*while sitting in an empty car

popculturereference · 2 points · Posted at 04:07:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The people in the salon would have no reason to think you weren't just grabbing something out of the back seat.

holographicfroggy · 2 points · Posted at 04:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahaha thanks for the laugh I needed one

TheRealJackReynolds · 2 points · Posted at 06:08:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus, I'm crying.

kingeryck · 2 points · Posted at 06:20:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the same thing. Got into the passenger seat of my own car.

sdg2502 · 2 points · Posted at 08:55:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve just commented something very similar so I feel your pain!

floatingwithobrien · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you often ride in the back seat of your car? Who usually drives you? Who sits shotgun??

jkotwa93 · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times I've sat back there. Lol

[deleted] · 5408 points · Posted at 21:30:39 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been working with children for 7 years now. When I'm drunk/tired/otherwise distracted, I go into teacher mode. If I'm travelling with people, I'll count them on and off public transport, I offer everyone water and snacks if I have them, and even tell complete strangers to "use your walking feet/inside voice" if they're running or shouting.

I didn't even know I was doing it til my boyfriend pointed it out to me.

RoboNinjaPirate · 1651 points · Posted at 23:14:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife works at an Elementary School, and had been covering lunch to give teachers a break.

We went out to an icecream place with extended family, including 9 kids. All the kids were saying they wanted this or that, and my wife speaks up in her lunchroom voice to say "Every kid is getting the same size ice cream - all of you line up and tell the lady at the counter what flavor you want"

It wasn't just heard by our family, it silenced the entire restaurant. We still give her hell about it years later.

[deleted] · 1089 points · Posted at 23:18:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahh, The Voice. If you can do it, it's invaluable. Works on rowdy kids because they know it means Trouble, works on rowdy adults because it shocks them into stopping whatever they're doing.

boxster_ · 573 points · Posted at 00:29:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally used The Voice on a co-worker who said Fuck

"Shannon, we don't use that language towards our friends!"

KTOSM · 60 points · Posted at 04:23:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom used to work with handicapped kids and I was working with elderly dementia patients during the same time. I think everyone got pretty tired of us saying “good job!” after they did literally any daily activity.

enp_01 · 9 points · Posted at 04:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We most definitely do

Shamrock5 · 10 points · Posted at 03:55:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I'm not your friend, buddy!"

theweirdoofreddit · 6 points · Posted at 05:51:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not your buddy, guy!

shenzreal3975 · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ain't your guy, accomplice!

sennu2 · 3 points · Posted at 13:08:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I aint your acconplice, comrade!

Mauwnelelle · 4 points · Posted at 13:15:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ain't your compadre, bro!

sennu2 · 3 points · Posted at 14:12:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am not to be considered your bro, lad!

shenzreal3975 · 3 points · Posted at 06:05:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I refuse your relation, chum!

Rednartso · 4 points · Posted at 08:52:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 2 points · Posted at 06:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found Captain America

AaronVsMusic · 2 points · Posted at 07:37:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shannon can use that language towards me if I can be her friend.

cosmosiseren · 2 points · Posted at 20:35:53 on January 1, 2019 · (Permalink)

I don't trust people who never swear!

cosmosiseren · 1 points · Posted at 20:35:05 on January 1, 2019 · (Permalink)

Sure we fucking do, Karen!

balddudesrock · 58 points · Posted at 01:10:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandma was probably a drill sergeant in a former life. I saw her tell groups of grown men to sit down and be quiet in The Voice many times growing up. They ALWAYS obeyed before thinking “waitaminute...”

kiradax · 38 points · Posted at 00:46:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The Voice! The best way to shut up a crowd of drunk men clamouring at the bar :)

GALACTICA-Actual- · 16 points · Posted at 02:51:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is why I think my husband would make a fab bartender. He can pull out The Voice on command, and since he has a really deep voice, it can either be soothing or intimidating depending on how he uses it.

Tigergirl1975 · 31 points · Posted at 02:19:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister is a teacher, and freaks out even the other teachers with hers. The first time the principal heard it, he was shocked into silence and compliance (my sister is a first year teacher).

serendipity127 · 40 points · Posted at 02:39:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not even a teacher and I possess 'the voice'. I used it on some rowdy teenagers at the LA Natural History Museum once. They shut right up. Their teacher didn't like it though. She came up and told me not to discipline her students. I told her 'somebody needed too' and walked away.

9601041 · 11 points · Posted at 03:22:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for Macy's, and my department was at the bottom of the down escalator. I got really good at using The Voice to scare teenagers and grown adults into not climbing up the down, sitting on the escalator, or generally being idiots.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 03:55:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you posted a comment about this before? I seem to recognise it.

9601041 · 3 points · Posted at 14:34:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think so, but people are idiots the world over so I'm sure that others share my experience.

jamieleben · 9 points · Posted at 04:05:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"KNOCKITOFF" is a great default phrase to summon The Voice if you're not an experienced practitioner.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 04:07:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My default is "Uh, excuse me." or "No thank you!" both in a very flat tone that makes it clear I'm not making a request.

borderlinegoldmine · 25 points · Posted at 03:43:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

my best friend is gay, and has a neutral voice tone, not high or anything, but one time, during a big event ending hazing week, we needed to rally up people and clean up, but we were all scatered around the football field.

My friend stood on the second row of bleachers and starting yelling in this super low-powerful-gravitas voice that i never heard come out of him before, and everyone heard and obeyed right away (which is something, considering we were all shitfaced).

We call it his "straight voice" and he uses it when we need everyones attention.

Illithilitch · 5 points · Posted at 15:19:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to know a trans woman who would pull out her 'Mike' voice when needed, lol

ImpatientBeez · 5 points · Posted at 03:47:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been trying to develop my The Voice and I just don't have it down yet. I need lessons. My kid is 3 and I need it now.

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 03:57:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lower your voice a little and don't hesitate when you speak. I was really struggling for ages til I got told that by a co-worker.

RooBeeDooBeeDoo · 11 points · Posted at 04:23:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was using the Voice superbly on my own kids early one morning when I was sick and they were being crazy. It was working perfectly until I ended rather unfortunately with a snot bubble blipping out of my nose. Control = shattered.

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 05:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have The Voice. My kids always hear me. My husband gets mad because they don’t hear him over running bath water and stuff but mommy has that brain-piercing, commanding pitch ;)

Tamrynel · 3 points · Posted at 05:27:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Both my parents were school principals. I know that voice well. Also The Look - the one that can silence a room.

Xenovore · 3 points · Posted at 07:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm. And older workmate which already have 2 kids was telling me off because of a stupid joke I made and she used The Voice. I actually felt I was being told off by my own mom, I was even this close to saying "Sorry Mom" at her.

Of course we like to call her mom lol

pakap · 3 points · Posted at 11:23:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with adults now, but I was a middle school hall monitor for three years. I still use The Voice (and The Look) sometimes when things threaten to get out of hand - works a treat.

ZamorakHawk · 2 points · Posted at 18:49:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've worked in prison for a few years. Your first step in the use of force is presence. Essentially, you know I'm there. Don't do anything stupid in my presence.

The second step is verbal. You speak loud, clear, and with absolute authority. Think like a drill sergeant in the military.

Now take that ingrained conflict resolution and use it on your kids or spouse. Or friends. I'm a riot at parties.

kharmatika · 2 points · Posted at 22:12:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I watched my friend do this at a wrestling match. Someone’s kids had gotten too close to the ring while the parent had gone to the bathroom, and she looks over and goes “butts in seats!” And butts were placed in seats

xphragger · 1 points · Posted at 15:35:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The Voice is an indispensable tool for any Bene Gesserit

[deleted] · 213 points · Posted at 23:58:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

alsignssayno · 25 points · Posted at 00:47:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's okay, that teacher just had some incredibly strong haki.

InsanityApollo · 36 points · Posted at 00:54:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

THAT’S Big Dick Energy

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 05:07:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The teachers at my kid’s school do the “clap, clap, clapclapclap!” and it’s crazy how the kids instantly shut up and do it back. I saw the principal do it the first time and I was convinced he was a wizard (he does have a white beard, to be fair)

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 04:45:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God I went to Thanksgiving at my boyfriend's parents' house one year. We're 24 and 27, everyone else is 40-60. One guest was a teacher, unbeknownst to us.

Anyway we start goofing around a bit, telling each other inside jokes, everyone at this party knows each other and is kinda occupied talking anyway, may as well amuse each other. Well eventually that escalated to a playful smack. And a retaliatory smack. Next thing you know, we're in a full-on, concentrated slapfight like a cartoon, eyes closed, heads leaning away, hitting fullspeed at each other's hands,, just smacksmacksmacksmack-

"CHILDREN!"

Shocked silence from all three of us. We stare at her. She stares at us. Time passes. I haven't been yelled at like that in 10 years. Neither has boyfriend. She's yelled at random guests. It's a standoff of awkward while we all mentally calculate who broke protocol more.

"I mean... Do what you want? Uh... Hi."

It was a good laugh but I will carry that moment with me until I die.

shandarie · 24 points · Posted at 00:11:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have been out in public with my kids many times having used my “mom voice” to discipline them only to have someone nearby quickly look at me and tell me I am scarier than their drill Sargent.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a camp counselor for a few years. I have a different version of the voice that’s louder.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2053 points · Posted at 21:41:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

That’s so cute! I studied childcare at school and also find myself doing things like this. Mostly things like “Oh dear, Freddy, we don’t spill beer on our friends, do we?”

[deleted] · 1159 points · Posted at 21:46:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh gosh that's so embarrassing! I only found out because I was trying to get my boyfriend to sober up but he wouldn't eat, so I said something like "Eat your food, please, and when you're finished we'll call an uber." in my teacher voice and he yelled at me lmao

BrutalWarPig · 177 points · Posted at 23:23:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend did this too me once. Lol She does in home.health care for elderly. Its pretty cute most of the time.

synysterlove · 29 points · Posted at 02:37:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also work with elderly and now I'm one of those super annoying people that calls everyone "honey".

Woahzie · 30 points · Posted at 04:20:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Being called Honey makes me feel warm inside, but maybe that's what happens when you are raised down south

Illithilitch · 8 points · Posted at 15:23:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a Yank that always makes me super angry lol.

Gemmabeta · 759 points · Posted at 22:54:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

On the other hand, in nursing school, the second unpardonable sin is talking to patients in "baby voice". They drill that in the students so well that every year, some poor student nurse gets laughed at because they started calling four-year-olds "Mr. Jones" during the pediatric rotation.

PS. The first unforgivable sin is lying to your preceptor, if you screw up doing a procedure, you need to honestly report it to your professor and they will legally protect you (they are expecting that you will screw up sooner or later, no trainee is perfect). But if you screw up and lie about it to cover your own ass, you will be expelled by the end of the shift.

It's that, or fucking with HIPAA.

ouchitforrealburns · 371 points · Posted at 00:21:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Current nursing student. I asked a 2 year old how he’s been liking the weather and his mom laughed at me.

wheresmypurplekitten · 42 points · Posted at 02:01:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can confirm, am a mum and I'm laughing my ass off. I can just imagine his little face!

AAMDB · 25 points · Posted at 02:17:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Cold enough for ya?”

Blank stare.

AaronVsMusic · 11 points · Posted at 07:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“How’s the wife and kids?”

Xaipete_Pantes · 44 points · Posted at 00:25:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What's the first unpardonable sin?

OrangeGelos · 67 points · Posted at 00:40:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I imagine killing the patient is up there somewhere. Or is that just assumed?

conniption_fish · 32 points · Posted at 01:48:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

HIPAA violations would be my guess

Source: just finished my first semester of nursing school and they DRILL that into you like no tomorrow

Edit: or washing your hands, gel in/ gel out

underwriter · 7 points · Posted at 02:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

it’s frowned upon

Gemmabeta · 25 points · Posted at 02:03:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lying to your preceptor, if you screw up doing a procedure, you need to honestly report it to your professor and they will legally protect you (they are expecting that you will screw up sooner or later, no trainee is perfect). But if you screw up and lie about it to cover your own ass, you will be expelled by the end of the week.

It's that, or fucking with HIPPA.

sluttyredridinghood · 8 points · Posted at 02:13:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

HIPPA

...HIPAA?

Gemmabeta · 24 points · Posted at 02:16:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's like a female HIPPO

horsebag · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pardoning the second sin

UptightSodomite · 17 points · Posted at 03:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For me, it’s the knocking. Lol I’ve gotten so used to knocking before going through doorways that I actually knocked before exiting a bathroom. 😂

EmotionalRangeOfTsp · 8 points · Posted at 04:45:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in the hospital for two years and recently started working in a clinic setting. I’ve had to stop myself from knocking on the door to the lobby when I’m about to bring a patient back 🤦🏻‍♀️

UptightSodomite · 5 points · Posted at 07:04:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I did that during my clinicals! My preceptor laughed.

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 8 points · Posted at 06:16:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of the employee bathrooms at the nursing home where I work has a different door handle and locking mechanism. As a result, I've forgotten to lock the door a few times, because my autopilot "shut the door and lock the lock" doesn't work. Fortunately I've never been interrupted, but I will forcibly pee as fast as possible while hate staring at the handle. Once I forgot to lock it when I had to poop. :(

Wishyouamerry · 19 points · Posted at 01:12:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is adorable. Now I want to be a pediatric nurse just so I can call all the little kids Mr and Mrs!

g_s_m · 25 points · Posted at 02:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ms, please.

NoncreativeScrub · 5 points · Posted at 04:59:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is why all infants get a professional discussion and reasonable responses.

horsebag · 3 points · Posted at 00:56:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Clearly we do, ItsaHelen"

nippleinmydickfuck · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thats fricken adorable.

FivesG · 876 points · Posted at 21:36:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aye, nothing wrong with bringing snacks. Dang now I’m hungry.

[deleted] · 511 points · Posted at 21:37:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When's the last time you ate? Go have some food! Let me see if I have a cereal bar somewhere...

btribble · 39 points · Posted at 00:22:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife is a teacher's aide and when my sciatica acts up she'll sometimes tie my shoes for me.

  1. It's more than a little emasculating.
  2. God damn she can tie shoes quickly.
Stopplebots · 16 points · Posted at 00:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I should have some peanut butter crackers. Lemme find them. Hold on...

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 01:14:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hang on, check if everyone can have those first. We don't want to cause one of our friends to swell up like a balloon and die, do we?

Stopplebots · 5 points · Posted at 01:25:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah we're good. I was lucky with a whole group of friends who are fine with peanuts!

everyonesmom2 · 6 points · Posted at 01:46:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you bring enough for everybody?

Stopplebots · 5 points · Posted at 01:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone can share! There's 6 crackers in a pack and I have a case, so as long as there's not more than 36 friends we won't have to split.

veggie124 · 3 points · Posted at 01:06:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a toddler. I always have snacks available.

fruitsnacks4614 · 3 points · Posted at 01:25:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I purposefully carry a big purse so I always have lots of snacks and drinks. Going impromptu shopping, my SO gets hangry a lot. So then he gets to choose a snack from the bag. Thirsty? I got you. Hurt? I got 3 types of pain relievers. Also bandaids. Runny nose? Tissues in the bag. Cold? We got sweatshirts. Sticky from a snack? We got wipes. Some girl in the bathroom gets her period? I got that covered too. I could survive an apocalypse from my purse.

[deleted] · 274 points · Posted at 22:25:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey it’s me ur children. Gimme snacks.

[deleted] · 216 points · Posted at 22:26:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you want a tangerine or a tiny apple? Eating healthy is important.

BeLoWeRR · 149 points · Posted at 22:28:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

tiny apple

[deleted] · 128 points · Posted at 22:29:04 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey, you're not OP

BeLoWeRR · 124 points · Posted at 22:29:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

fuck

[deleted] · 132 points · Posted at 22:44:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Please use your inside voice!

wowjpeg · 101 points · Posted at 23:20:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

FUCK

alsignssayno · 12 points · Posted at 00:47:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oi!

Meh_McSadsterson · 4 points · Posted at 03:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

silence in the lunchroom

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"...like a huge pair of balls"

<silence>

. "shit"

IONASPHERE · 2 points · Posted at 03:09:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

rebel4lyfe

emissaryofwinds · 4 points · Posted at 02:53:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

fuck

purplepenguin4163 · 7 points · Posted at 00:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
frick
Stormwolf1O1 · 3 points · Posted at 02:15:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

we do not use adult words in this classroom! go to the time out corner!

ChosenCharacter · 1 points · Posted at 23:50:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes I am!

this__fuckin__guy · 4 points · Posted at 22:29:12 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I want a jumbo Korean pear.

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 22:29:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

You'll take what I've got and you'll say thank you. "I want" doesn't get.

MissionProvision · 6 points · Posted at 22:35:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This fucking guy...

tinyivory · 2 points · Posted at 00:16:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I WANT DORITOS!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's not how we ask nicely, is it? Try again please.

tinyivory · 3 points · Posted at 01:35:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh, fiiiiiiiii ne

May I please have some Doritos, Mrs. Goonerkitten?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:43:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's Mr, and no, I'm sorry, but we don't have any. Your choice is a tiny apple with a smiley face on it, or a tangerine with a sleepy face on it. Which one would you like?

tinyivory · 2 points · Posted at 02:55:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait Mr. Goonerkitten how does that apple have a smiley face?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drew it on with a sharp knife to show you that flesh is weak and happiness is fake.

tinyivory · 2 points · Posted at 05:53:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, no offense, but I don't think I want a snack anymore. Thanks Though, Mr. Goonerkitten. I'm just gonna go back to behaving and my schoolwork!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:09:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:22:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Listen here you little shit

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's as may be but they're not on the snack table so try again.

optcynsejo · 201 points · Posted at 22:27:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like politely chiding strangers is something the world could use more of. Something about a Mr. Rogers style reminder to be polite, clean up after you, and be considerate would help society a ton.

[deleted] · 113 points · Posted at 22:28:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yeah I'm not rude about it. Just a kind of sing-song "Use your walking feet please, sweetie!" before I can catch myself.

pinnerpanner · 4 points · Posted at 01:45:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time in my polite-but-no-nonsense voice. I tell people to sit. I shush people. I saw a redditor above write FUCK and I had this insane urge to tell them that we do not use language like that because it hurts others feelings and how would they feel if someone did it to them? I still have the urge... But I think in Reddit land, the downvote is like that stern look we give to kids, which says, I know what you said and it is not acceptable and you know this. But I'm not going to engage because I know that will just egg you on more. Nobody wants this from you. All of this teacher voice drives my husband crazy. And he also loves it. 😂

boxster_ · 16 points · Posted at 00:27:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My secret in handling people is subtly using toddler management for difficult people.

Let them choose... But from 2 or 3 preselected options.

End adult tantrums with redirection like "I'm very sorry you're upset. Let's go sit over there!", And never change the tone of your voice. Always soft and steady. Don't quite smile or frown. Try not to look concerned because that can encourage the tantrum.

Indy_Photographer · 30 points · Posted at 22:33:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can I get drunk with you, because I always end up hungry.

[deleted] · 35 points · Posted at 22:34:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always have McDonald's coupons. Fast food tastes great drunk, and even better when it's 60% off.

Indy_Photographer · 20 points · Posted at 22:35:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I might love you a little after that.

[deleted] · 18 points · Posted at 22:41:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't worry, it happens to the best of people.

Mackinacsfuriousclaw · 12 points · Posted at 23:51:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stay at home dad. I do this all the time. Nothing makes a person crankier than not having a snack.

InTheBinIGo · 14 points · Posted at 00:25:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I only recently started working with children and found myself coming home from work and talking my SO like he’s a kid! I can’t imagine what I’d be like after 7 years damn!

Eg. I see a jacket on the staircase and I go to my SO and say “Is leaving your jacket on the stairs okay? Noo! Where does it belong?”

LadyIndigo7 · 12 points · Posted at 00:20:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my lanta I feel this. I babysat in my teen years and then worked at a school. And let me tell you, having already been the mom friend before, it's a billion times worse now XD as in, MY mom, smacked at the dog (not hard, just a bap) to get her off of the couch, and my immediate response "we use our words not our hands"

bo-barkles · 11 points · Posted at 23:01:12 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went out to a concert the other night but didn't drink. Coming back to the hotel there were two very drunk men and when they got off I told them to drink lots of water and take an Advil... Total mom mode.

silvermoonchan · 9 points · Posted at 00:18:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a nanny and I do this a lot too. Even during parties if I'm tired I'll start "momming" at my friends. Once I was serving dinner and told my husband's best friend to remember to take small bites and I'll bring him a juice in a minute. I was halfway to the kitchen before catching myself. He will not let me live that down

bagelmonkeys · 17 points · Posted at 23:26:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The teacher mode is a real thing! It’s also one of those things where it’s a little weird to say to strangers but it’s like you’re politely reprimanding or sarcastically praising them.

“I can’t understand you if you’re yelling/ that’s very kind of you to hold the door open”

Drealjas · 7 points · Posted at 00:21:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ughhhhh I upset people all the time for the same thing.

They think I’m being rude but really I’m just trying to connect on autopilot lol. I can’t help it, I have kids!

BashfulBastian · 8 points · Posted at 00:09:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did something similar after going back to work on maternity leave. I say "boop" a lot for everything that has to do with my daughter. Handing her something? "Boop." Buttoning her coat? "Boop."

Handed someone a spoon at work and said it. I felt real stupid after that lol

zarazilla · 7 points · Posted at 01:32:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can you come to my (open plan) office and tell my marketing colleagues to use their inside voice please

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:41:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would absolutely love to. Being allowed to yell at grownups after having to be nice and cheery all day is so cathartic.

TheTourer · 13 points · Posted at 22:34:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

You would have a rough time with my friends. Leaving a club and going back to my friend's place nearby turns into a city footrace so fast you'd think the winner gets a trillion dollars and the loser dies.

[deleted] · 12 points · Posted at 22:40:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've made people sit down involuntarily with my "teacher voice", I think we'd be OK. That or they get hit by a bus. Either way, if I'm not being paid to look after them, it's not actually my problem.

Kitchen-Witch · 7 points · Posted at 01:09:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister used to work at a preschool and this would happen to her and her coworkers all the time. My favorite was when her coworker was out drinking with friends he stood up and announced that he "was going to go potty and would be right back"

soulspaghetti · 6 points · Posted at 01:15:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a preschool in the summer, and one drunken night there was a guy that puked all over the place and I was like "okay friend, let's get you cleaned up!". I'm happy that that's the kind of drunk I am

etsba78 · 6 points · Posted at 02:31:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember having a rare night out back when my kids were baby-toddler-prep aged. (Very long ago- they mid teens to 20 now).

Walking from one bar to another with my mates, wearing make up & cute clothes for the first time in years, feeling free & tipsy. We're giggling & happy & chatty. I see a fire engine down the road heading to base and without noticing it announce loudly in my most Mum voice "Hey look! A fire truck!"

None of my mates were parents then. Twas embarassing but I deflected with self mockery.

Sometimes you see someone swaying side to side in line at the grocery store or bank and you just know they got a new baby at home & are running a quick errand. Caught myself doing that a few times in the early days only to notice I didn't have a baby in arms to rock to sleep. You're so sleep deprived you're existing on auto pilot at that stage.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:09:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get excited over firetrucks too

Uoon_ · 8 points · Posted at 22:47:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I want you to be my mom, can you be my mom?

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 22:47:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That might be a little difficult, seeing as I'm a guy.

Uoon_ · 12 points · Posted at 22:49:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can be my dad then, your boyfriend can also be my dad.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 22:52:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sure, why not. Just promise you won't call me daddy.

Uoon_ · 7 points · Posted at 23:00:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I won't, I'll reserve that for my boyfriend

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 23:02:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't want to hear that from my kid! Go to bed! And learn to delete your search history, your grandmother got such a fright when she was looking for knitting patterns and put an o instead.

apexjnr · 1 points · Posted at 17:47:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

MidgetLovingMaxx · 4 points · Posted at 00:39:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, moving forward someone's getting designated as den mom on drinking trips to make sure theres always snacks available.

ArcticVulpe · 5 points · Posted at 01:01:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went traveling with family, we were all sitting at the back of the bus during a tour and one of us wondered why the couple in the very front kept looking toward the back of the bus. At one point they mentioned they were teachers so it was habit to count everyone.

Then later in the day I remember them saying that we were all here before we left. But one person walked in a minute later. My sister-in-law who is also a teacher said "oh look at that, they would have lost a kid."

SirNoName · 3 points · Posted at 01:09:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m not even a teacher and I’m like this. Not so much the snacks part, but if I’m out with a group of friends my anxiety starts acting up if I don’t keep track of all of them.

Constantly counting and looking around to see everyone, making sure we’re going the right way and on time.

It’s kind of annoying, but I figure of all the things that make me anxious, keeping track of my buddies is probably not the worst.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 02:29:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar one time.

I worked at a bounce house and watched kids eat shit all the time, trampoline or on the floors around them.

We were always supposed to check on them.

I was at Sams Club with a friend when this dad is walking behind his daughter who breaks out into a sprint. She trips over her own feet and eats shit on the concrete, and pretty darn hard.

I go, "Oh my god sweeite are you okay?!?!?"

Immediately everything gets weird.

My friend, the dad, and the girl look at me like, "Bro what the fuck?" and she just gets up, says "Yeah" and everyone walks off without saying a word.

My friend gave me so much shit for that lol

ginmo · 3 points · Posted at 02:38:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a high school teacher and am always having to break up the class noise with “clap once if you hear my voice, clap twice” or I put three fingers up and start counting down. I’ve done this with my family and friends before on accident...

ngp1623 · 5 points · Posted at 04:23:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also work in elementary, special ed, and when I am tired, I go into work mode auto-pilot. My bf at the time got home from work, sat down, and gave a long, frustrated groan. Without skipping a beat I just said "We use our words". He gave me the weirdest look.

Usually when we are trying to get them to do something, we demonstrate it and then tap the object they are to be manipulating and prompt "you do.". It was getting hot and heavy with said bf after a really long, stressful week of work and I was rubbing myself mid-session. My auto-pilot brain reached down, tapped his hand, and said "you do.". RIP.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 11:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Did you have to explain what you were doing?

PM_NUDES_4_DOG_PICS · 3 points · Posted at 00:11:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the most adorable, wholesome thing on the thread. I appreciate you.

SeduceMyMoose · 3 points · Posted at 00:13:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair everybody loves snacks. In high school I would go to long dance competitions and would be there for 6+ hours just hanging out waiting to go up on stage. Made so many friends by sneaking a bag of snacks into every event.

Sssnapdragon · 3 points · Posted at 00:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha!

A few months ago I was walking in the park with my husband/kid and pointed out a plane in the sky. Then another. Then another. Then another. It wasn't until then I realized that my dad had passed on his absolute love for planes in the weirdest way possible. I don't actually care about them, but feel compelled to point them out when I see them. If it hadn't been an especially busy few minutes I might never have realized how strange that habit is.

dallastossaway2 · 3 points · Posted at 03:56:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a 70 hour week with some very touchy clients my boyfriend went to snuggle me, and I said “babe, please ask before touching me,” and had to soothe some very hurt feelings.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I mean, that's a valid request. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you can't have personal space. My boyfriend is a lot more tactile than I am, so sometimes I get overstimulated so I just ask him to stop for a little while. He knows it doesn't mean I hate him or anything.

Edit: don't know why I got downvoted for saying bodily autonomy still exists regardless of relationship status but hey ho

dallastossaway2 · 3 points · Posted at 04:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It totally is a valid request, but not something that makes sense in our relationship as we are the same level of touchy. I also said it in Staff Voice.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:57:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Alright the staff voice is probably not great. Unless you're into that kind of thing, I'm not judging. But still, shit happens and it's good to communicate.

dallastossaway2 · 1 points · Posted at 16:08:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, and that just isn’t how you ask for space from another adult.

blackcorbi8 · 3 points · Posted at 06:18:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a high school teacher who used to work with mentally disabled little kids. Sometimes she would talk to us like she would talk to them. It was hilarious to see a bunch of high school kids feeling slightly uncomfortable by being talked to like that.

dogman__12 · 2 points · Posted at 00:02:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s cute aha

boxster_ · 2 points · Posted at 00:11:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I taught for awhile, and occasionally I'll ask a random adult to tie their shoes. And always head counting.

bluesox · 2 points · Posted at 00:17:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a bartender and find myself doing this regularly. Sometimes people need to be reminded of proper manners.

didled · 2 points · Posted at 00:43:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is adorable

TheSilverPotato · 2 points · Posted at 03:37:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the bar recently and was waiting for my tab when a cute girl stood beside me. I got my tab, but the pen didn't work so I asked her if she had a pen I could borrow. She did, and then she reached back in her bag and pulled out a snack cookie and offered it to me.

auntiedawn · 2 points · Posted at 04:44:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol! I handed my mom an apple once, and said, “Do you want mommy to cut that up for you?” It’s hard to get out of kid mode.

margaritasarita · 2 points · Posted at 04:58:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a daycare and now every time I see somebody drop something or almost fall, I instinctively say, “uh oh!!” lol it makes me cringe at myself!

marblefoot · 2 points · Posted at 06:44:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a lifeguard at a waterpark. I have some fun ones.

I used to go after children when they run "Slow down!" And "Where's the fire?"

I would also absent-mindedly reach for my (non-existent) whistle to get someone's attention. Not going to lie, it was really handy using our signals for things.

Askjojo · 2 points · Posted at 07:26:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a nanny, this is my life. My purse is like Mary Poppins bag in that it has a collection of everything, and I’m prepared for all moods and most situations. I have snacks, I have small activities, I have bandaids and the occasional lolly-pop. I’ve got you covered when young kids are involved. Give me teenagers and my slightly grumpy teacher voice comes into play.

I realized that it’s less productive and more crazy-lady when I accidentally tell a stranger to use their inside voice or say “ouch” alongside them facepalm

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god yeah. I always have my rucksack everywhere with me. Random stuff like sun cream, bug spray, so many sharpies etc because you never know when you're gonna need them.

pcyr9999 · 2 points · Posted at 09:04:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend /u/Allieboo199 is a lifeguard and she has reflexively yelled "no running" at kids in stores and stuff.

MyotonicGoat · 2 points · Posted at 09:26:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll get home from work and tell friend and family to remember to say please when asking for something. "Pleeaasse???"

sweetkimchii · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god I do this too. You are not alone!

Based_Tochinoshin · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahahahaha. That's just adorable.

CatzAgainstHumanity · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is adorkable I love it!!

SolarAU · 370 points · Posted at 00:31:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car was out of action for a few months so I got used to riding shotgun, taking taxis etc. Finally got my car out of the shop rebuilt and ready to go. The mechanic hands me my keys, I unlock the car and sit myself in the passenger seat while he was watching. Took me a solid 10-15 seconds and the look on my mechanics face to realise

WickedRaccoon · 33 points · Posted at 08:27:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fucking hell the mental image of you just getting in the passenger side, and just sitting there... staring in front of you while the mechanic is observing you from his office

KhandakerFaisal · 21 points · Posted at 07:53:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You, drive

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 00:33:38 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

"This boy ain't right. " - the mechanic, probably

HamBurglary12 · 1222 points · Posted at 22:10:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've sent nearly have a dozen emails addressed to 'All' with "see attached" without adding the attachment. Each time I've done that I think I lost a few months of my life due to self dread and loathing.

csl512 · 292 points · Posted at 23:30:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think Gmail might catch this now.

Rick91981 · 27 points · Posted at 01:21:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Outlook does too. At least modern versions. I think it started in 2013 version?

BORT_licenceplate27 · 14 points · Posted at 01:33:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's wonderful. Saved me a bunch of times

Aksweetie4u · 22 points · Posted at 01:52:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It throws me off if I say something about attached, but not actually referencing an attachment. I’ll get the error, and think “oh no! I forgot!” And then sit there for a few minutes wondering what attachment I was supposed to add.

istolethisface · 26 points · Posted at 02:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had the Inception version of all this, where someone emailed me saying "Attached is blah blah..." But no attachment. So I replied "Nothing attached, can you resend?" And Outlook goes "You say attached but there's nothing attached, are you sure you want to send?"

Rick91981 · 12 points · Posted at 01:43:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It does come in handy, but you do need to reference an attachment for it to work. You can't say "here is an invoice" you have to say "attached is an invoice." That's bit me in the ass a few times.

what__year_is__this · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same.

quixoticwhit · 3 points · Posted at 04:39:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this something I have to update in the settings? I send way too many emails without the attachment I promised.

Rick91981 · 5 points · Posted at 04:42:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think it is enabled by default but if not go into options, email settings then scroll down to send settings. There is a check box to enable it.

conman526 · 27 points · Posted at 00:34:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not always unfortunately.

surlypotato · 53 points · Posted at 00:42:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s where gmail undo send helps. At least for me I often realize the second after I press send that I forgot the attachment. Or spelled someone’s name wrong. You get 30sec ish after hitting send to hit undo. It’s a godsend

sharkattax · 5 points · Posted at 18:24:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG NO WAY where?

surlypotato · 3 points · Posted at 20:45:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think its just an option you need to check in your gmail settings?

Depressaccount · 4 points · Posted at 01:27:02 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Labs, I believe? Or at least, it was labs originally.

Great feature!

northrupthebandgeek · 6 points · Posted at 06:01:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thunderbird shows a prompt as soon as you type the word "attached". It's saved my butt multiple times.

benevolentpotato · 4 points · Posted at 10:07:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Outlook does too. I recently went to send an email that used the word "attached" but not in that context, and Outlook stopped me and asked if I really wanted to send without an attachment.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:14:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

outlook catches it. If I have the word attached or attachment in the body of the email it always asks if I meant to add the attachment...it's really nice.

ContemplativeOctopus · 1 points · Posted at 09:39:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every email client has for at least half a decade now.

k2on0s · 1 points · Posted at 14:54:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Outlook too, it’s a life-saver

garfieldsam · 36 points · Posted at 00:24:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I started working professional jobs I did that a lot. My coworker set me aside and explained his system: drilll it into your head that before you hit send you always check:

  • Recipients
  • Attachments
  • Subject line

Just practice it over and over and it becomes second nature.

SirNoName · 33 points · Posted at 01:13:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Recipients last. It is always the last thing before you hit send.

monkee09 · 9 points · Posted at 02:36:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why recipients last?

SirNoName · 39 points · Posted at 02:37:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you don’t accidentally send it before it’s completed. No one in the recipients list means the email won’t go anywhere

istolethisface · 19 points · Posted at 02:47:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has saved my ass so many times.

[deleted] · 24 points · Posted at 00:52:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can also draft the email with the process: add the attachments first, write the subject line, compose the message, add the recipients.

bagelmonkeys · 15 points · Posted at 23:36:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now gmail tells me if I don’t have anything attached.

Scp-1404 · 8 points · Posted at 00:16:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or send someone a file attachment but I drag and drop a link to the file that's on my desktop instead of the file. I'm just so used to opening the file from the link...

3-DMan · 8 points · Posted at 01:27:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm the guy kind enough to immediately respond(without copying everyone) "No attachment bro!"

northrupthebandgeek · 3 points · Posted at 06:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to do this sometimes, only to realize after I clicked Send that I had previously clicked "Reply All" instead of "Reply".

On the plus side, at least the original sender's no longer alone in self-loathing when this happens.

ScifiGirl1986 · 7 points · Posted at 00:58:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me when I was first applying to jobs after I finished grad school. The first email I sent would be perfect and everything attached. For every email after that I would just copy the text of the email and hit send. I think the most I did without noticing was 10.

aftertheswimmingpool · 8 points · Posted at 03:20:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really hope part of your resume said "detail-oriented".

ScifiGirl1986 · 5 points · Posted at 03:21:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Of course it did. 🤦🏼‍♀️

CrescentDuchess · 7 points · Posted at 00:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you my professor?

HamBurglary12 · 9 points · Posted at 01:14:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe. Is he handsome?

CrescentDuchess · 3 points · Posted at 02:13:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Funny you ask, yes

odactylus · 6 points · Posted at 01:00:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm secretary for a club in college and every fucking time I send out the digest with announcements and minutes I forget to attach the minutes. It's a running joke at this point.

mamajt · 4 points · Posted at 02:14:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gmail has an "undo send" option that can wait up to 30 seconds, if you enable it. It's saved me a bunch of times.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 02:18:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After we switched emails at my work, literally every older staff member would hit reply all to any workplace communication between like 100 different workplaces. We'd receive so many silly emails. You're not alone.

missfarthing · 3 points · Posted at 02:30:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The big wig where I work sent out a message to the entire organization that was meant for her secretary. She sent out a recall and an embarrassed “oops” to everyone. Luckily the email was nothing major and it just made her seem a little more human.

saphyress · 2 points · Posted at 03:24:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Easiest way I've found to prevent this is put the recipient emails in LAST. So I double check spelling, grammar, check that attachments are there and the right ones, then put emails in. Saved me many times.

charassic · 2 points · Posted at 03:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this a bunch so now I set a two minute delay in outlook. Just sits in my outbox for two minutes giving me a chance to double check things one last time.

waterlubber42 · 2 points · Posted at 04:09:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thunderbird will yell at me if I try to do that. Saved me a few times already.

ApricotPenguin · 2 points · Posted at 04:35:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know you're environment, but if it's an old version of Outlook, there's add-on extensions that exist that will give you a pop-up (after you click send) that you may have forgotten an attachment.

iamthepixie · 2 points · Posted at 04:53:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this two or three times :) especially when I’m in a hurry for a dead line and the project is due

WiseAusOwl · 2 points · Posted at 05:00:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this every time. My colleagues call it “doing a WiseAusOwl” when they do it now.

MySherona · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this like... a couple times a month and feel inept.

seymour1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this at least once a week.

Littleartistan · 1 points · Posted at 06:24:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just sent a job application in, and forgot to attach my resume/cover letter/writing samples, so I feel this HARD.

I did end up resending the email with a sentence apologizing and explaining though.

SeattleBrad · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is why the recipient field should be at the bottom of the screen. Write it first, then add recipients. I intentionally skip the recipient field to avoid this problem.

Crumpette · 1 points · Posted at 08:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once sign an email to my boss’s boss with ‘kind retards’.

IVIaskerade · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is why you fill the recipients last.

Th3Lorax · 174 points · Posted at 23:48:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got dressed for work. When I got there, went to take off my jacket, only to realize I did not infact put a shirt on that day. Awkwardly wore that jacket all day. People commented asking about if I was too hot and should take of my jacket.

Th3CatOfDoom · 15 points · Posted at 20:52:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once showed up at work with no skirt on. Just kind of a pair of see through tights and a semi long coat.... Was about to take off my coat until I realised... So i kept it on. It was an awkward day for me, but I don't think anyone noticed.

monet_notthepainter · 8 points · Posted at 12:22:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’d buy a shirt at lunch!

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 11:31:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Janigiraffey · 1862 points · Posted at 22:56:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess I listen to too many podcasts, because I keep trying to pause work conference calls. I’ve also caught myself trying to increase my husband’s volume by pushing buttons on my phone while we’re in a room together having a conversation.

AVeryRandomMaid · 83 points · Posted at 00:50:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of when I played games to often... I used to love Gears of War and there’s a way to see where all team mates are. I was shopping with my mom around this time and I lost her... so I tried activating the mode to see where she was. I cringed so hard lol

ChaosStar95 · 35 points · Posted at 01:56:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I binged assassins creed origins for like 12 hours when I first got it. Went to get groceries, tried activating Senu to find the chips.

Winter_wrath · 23 points · Posted at 02:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After playing Okami way too long without a break I went outside, saw a tree without leaves and my first thought was to bloom it to get some extra praise... Seriously you do that a million times in the game

AlexandrinaIsHere · 2 points · Posted at 08:35:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fave game- I've had the same thought about dirt patches. Must be a curse, lemme bless that real quick...

throwawaygayguy32 · 21 points · Posted at 03:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I played sims for like 6 hours straight, went out in public and tried to pause to pick a dialogue option so i could talk to my mom. Moved my hand and had a long moment of not understanding why the menu didnt pop up. Jesus christ.

iamthepixie · 2 points · Posted at 05:02:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your username makes me sad :( however your comment is 100% relatable lol

throwawaygayguy32 · 8 points · Posted at 05:11:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg sorry it made you sad!!! I never really noticed that before, i made this as a throwaway so i could ask a single question but then i just stuck with it lol i promise its not as sad as it seems :o)

GypsyBagelhands · 4 points · Posted at 13:53:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this with the Witcher 3. You hit a button to activate your Witcher senses that make important items glow orange or red. After playing like 10 hours I walked into my bedroom and forgot what I came in for and just figured I would activate my Witcher senses and it would glow like a quest item.

astromouth · 2 points · Posted at 13:12:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hey, tetris effect!!

CGiMoose · 2 points · Posted at 13:40:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once wanted to look behind me in real life after playing a lot of just cause 2 and tried to somehow hold down right thumbstick while walking down the street

ahhbebe · 235 points · Posted at 00:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this in the car, trying to turn my kids voices down with the radio volume dial. If only it worked haha

rabidhamster87 · 86 points · Posted at 01:57:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gotten confused and tried to turn the actual sun down with my radio knob. I guess the subconscious thought process is "I do this when my ears hurt. Maybe it'll work for my eyes too!"

havron · 67 points · Posted at 04:08:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to Shazam a smell.

syryquil · 21 points · Posted at 04:18:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laughed so hard I couldn't hit the upvote. That would be so useful.

iamthepixie · 5 points · Posted at 05:01:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is something I’d do lol

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 05:31:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, I drive on cruise control almost all the time.

Sometimes my radio is too quiet so I accelerate.

Cup27 · 3 points · Posted at 08:01:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It works great, you just have to turn the knob up instead of down

AhoyPalloi · 36 points · Posted at 01:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, I got furious with someone on my phone at work because they kept interrupting me and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.

Turns out I was listening their message on my voicemail.

[deleted] · 30 points · Posted at 00:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Earlier today I tried to pause my dog because he was getting too excited in the house.

RossRKK · 2 points · Posted at 03:08:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What fuss this mean!?

[deleted] · 29 points · Posted at 01:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

Janigiraffey · 10 points · Posted at 02:14:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

...took me a beat to figure out why that wouldn’t work...

MattSilverwolf · 5 points · Posted at 03:30:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the other hand, I often try rolling back Twitch livestreams a few seconds when I don't understand or miss something.

fiancepeas · 25 points · Posted at 00:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I relate to this so hard.

jabba_the_wut · 14 points · Posted at 02:16:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to pinch to zoom a magazine, on more than 1 occasion.

sonyaellenmann · 9 points · Posted at 02:52:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg same. I also try to highlight words in physical books (which I can do in the Kindle app).

Fyrsiel · 8 points · Posted at 03:23:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In general, why can't we Ctrl + F in real life???

whirlpool4 · 11 points · Posted at 00:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this reminds me of DELETE ALL PICTURES OF RON from P&R

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 02:22:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a photographer I spend a lot of time on Photoshop. Sometimes after a long day, if I see someone irl with pimples or wrinkles on their face, I start to mentally correct their skin, and zoom in their face, only to realize that I am not holding a mouse and I can't change their face. Drives me nuts

anonima_ · 1 points · Posted at 21:30:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait till you find out about makeup. You're in for a treat

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:09:40 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Models do wear make up. Doesn't mean you won't be doing a good hours of frequency separation anyways.

Beeburrito · 4 points · Posted at 00:57:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the inverse. I keep trying to turn down the volume on my friends

dubin01 · 4 points · Posted at 02:27:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to zoom in on the parking lot across the street from me to see if my buddy was there yet.... Hand was up and everything before I realized it wasn't a picture

1plus1equalsgender · 3 points · Posted at 01:06:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My shoulder hurts from laughing now

GenesisLemons · 3 points · Posted at 01:20:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m always on the hunt for good podcasts. Any recommendations?

Janigiraffey · 7 points · Posted at 02:16:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That depends so much on what you like. I’ve really been enjoying Heavyweight, which is about an awkward guy trying to help people resolve interpersonal conflicts in their lives. It is sort of sweet and funny.

theycallmecrabclaws · 4 points · Posted at 03:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jonathan Goldstein is a gem, Heavyweight is amazing. His old CBC show Wiretap was good too.

CloudyPikachu · 3 points · Posted at 01:44:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

sleepycabin

anonima_ · 2 points · Posted at 21:31:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm obsessed with Making Gay History. The general tone of it is so relaxed, it's just this guy sitting in people's homes with his recording equipment talking about what it was like to be gay in the olden days

thumbtackswordsman · 2 points · Posted at 21:31:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On Being is one of my favourites.

CecilSpeaksInItalics · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welcome to Night Vale.

ThaneOfCawdorrr · 3 points · Posted at 01:56:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha as long as you're not trying to change the channel on him!

jemelisa12 · 3 points · Posted at 02:49:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried turning up the volume on my car radio to better hear my friend in the passenger seat who is VERY soft spoken. You're not alone!

Deolater · 3 points · Posted at 04:21:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I push the volume up button on the steering wheel when driving with my wife sometimes.

skyler_on_the_moon · 3 points · Posted at 04:55:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I might watch too many Youtube videos, but every now and then I've found myself trying to figure out how to rewind five seconds because I missed something someone said.

alexistheone668 · 2 points · Posted at 01:39:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I like podcasts too! would you give some recommendations? :)

Janigiraffey · 4 points · Posted at 02:18:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hard to recommend without knowing what you like. I’ve been having fun with Gone, which is about notable things that have gone missing, and theories about what happened. That one has a lot of stories I want to tell to people.

alexistheone668 · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost anything really, but specially killers or mysterious stuff

46andtool · 8 points · Posted at 02:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last Podcast on the Left. Trust me

Gandah · 3 points · Posted at 10:10:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hail you!

Janigiraffey · 3 points · Posted at 02:26:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought Accused did a really good job on the murder/true crime front. There are two seasons. A few other favorite true crime are In the Dark, Somebody knows Something, Atlanta Monster, and Stranglers.

alexistheone668 · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll check them out tonight :) thank you!! ^

_Im_Mike_fromCanmore · 1 points · Posted at 04:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just finished Someone Knows something. It's an awesome podcast. 1st season is a little slow, but still great, the latest season is really good

CecilSpeaksInItalics · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Welcome to Night Vale.

alexistheone668 · 2 points · Posted at 04:21:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've heard of it before, also saw it on Spotify :) sounds interesting

ravenwing110 · 3 points · Posted at 14:58:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you ever read Sideways Stories From Wayside School?

alexistheone668 · 2 points · Posted at 15:04:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not really, I'm not from an english speaking country so never heard of it :/

ravenwing110 · 2 points · Posted at 15:08:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a kids book about a weird, funny, surreal school. I always ask when I introduce Nightvale because they're pretty similar.

alexistheone668 · 2 points · Posted at 15:20:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds awesome ^ I'll see where I can get them here :) and I'll start nightvale today since I have an 1+ hour to university :)

clintmemo · 2 points · Posted at 02:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Obligatory joke about trying to mute my wife.

Janigiraffey · 2 points · Posted at 02:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband totally has that feature built into his auditory processing hardware. :)

Lazycrazyjen · 2 points · Posted at 02:11:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god. I’d LOVE to pause the conference calls. Would make life so much easier.

MrsBearasuarus · 2 points · Posted at 03:11:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The thing about electronics is we use them so much that we forget when are not. I cannot tell you the number of times I have tapped the side of my book trying to turn the page.

elementary_penguins · 2 points · Posted at 07:07:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also listen to lots of podcasts and have, more times than I'd like to admit, raised my right hand to try to use my headphones volume control to turn up the volume of my conversations. My friends find it hilarious and point it out every time.

astromouth · 2 points · Posted at 13:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i listen to podcasts on 1.5x speed so i've definitely tried to increase the speed of friends talking before

Mrred23 · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes at work, if I start a repetitive, podcast-allowable task, I'll hit the pause button, even if it's playing. Then I'll have to play it again. Usually happens if the particular conversation is kinda boring.

Pakyul · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I'm reading physical media, I'll tap a word I don't know. Then I realize I'm an idiot.

anigonzalez3 · 1 points · Posted at 12:08:13 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve tried turning up the volume knob in the car because my husband is too soft spoken... it didn’t work.

[deleted] · 170 points · Posted at 22:55:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was 20, got out of pool to make a beer run, went to apartment and took off bikini top and put shirt on, went to store, went straight to pool to take beer, took off shirt. Forgetting I was topless, super embarrassed, everyone saw but my b/f. I used to be modest....

SelfConfessedCreep · 7 points · Posted at 09:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I Always have this odd fear I'll do something like this

Ninjatam · 490 points · Posted at 00:28:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent about an hour trying to make a nice breakfast. The second I finished, I picked up the plate and scraped everything on it into the bin. I'm still going through the stages of grief.

Tragicbadger · 22 points · Posted at 14:15:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg... I would just go back to bed until tomorrow.

Autski · 7 points · Posted at 15:55:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Legit thought this was more heartbreaking than it was (though it still is). So glad I was wrong. I thought you were making breakfast for a lost spouse and you were still dealing with the stages of grief and "auto-piloted" making them breakfast too.

Ninjatam · 0 points · Posted at 23:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

honestly this is kinda worse though ngl

Zapejo · 3 points · Posted at 15:56:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My heart is hurting for you <3

I can feel your sorrow through your comment

DreamTheater2010 · 2 points · Posted at 15:53:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

Eritch · 163 points · Posted at 23:14:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I’ve shared this before but once I drove up to the drive through window at Tim Horton’s (coffee chain) but realized I didn’t actually order anything at the speaker... just awkwardly looked at the attendant and said sorry and drove away!

erial_ck · 85 points · Posted at 00:59:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well at least you apologized like a good Canadian.

HugeTheWall · 15 points · Posted at 05:21:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the opposite at a Timmy's. Ordered only a coffee, gave them a 20 and just left.

Had to circle back through like 2 minutes later to get my change. Shame at the speaker. Shame again at the window.

cleaver_remarkable · 1 points · Posted at 07:32:20 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once went to Wendy's. Placed my order at the speaker, proceeded to the window. I paid, then raced off without my food. Oops.

DisloyalMouse · 1109 points · Posted at 22:15:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I heard the door bell go the moment I stepped out of the shower. Without thinking I rushed to answer the door forgetting that I was dripping wet and completely naked! The poor delivery guy didn’t know where to look and it took me a moment to realise what situation I was in.

dreamweaver1998 · 483 points · Posted at 00:31:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar once. Was really excited to have a visit from my favourite family friends after a long time apart. They rang the bell while I was changing, turning pants right side out. I opened the door with my arms in my pant legs and was so happy to see everyone I didn’t notice for longer than I’d like to admit that I wasn’t wearing pants. They pretended not to notice, even hugged me. I tried to play it off like I wasn’t embarrassed and felt it was normal to greet people half dressed.

That was several years ago and they’ve never mentioned it since... maybe I was successful in my attempt to act normal.

TheyDontMakeSunday · 39 points · Posted at 05:05:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly if one of my friends did this I would just think, "We're such good friends we don't even need pants."

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 19 points · Posted at 06:24:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Day 745. Normie friends still have no clue."

Taruthersi · 12 points · Posted at 07:50:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't think that's what they meant they said we would like to see more of you.

mordeci00 · 217 points · Posted at 00:50:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Old joke: naked. Heard the doorbell. I yelled ‘who is it’. He responded ‘blind man’. I thought, what the hell not like he’ll notice, and answered the door naked. He said, ‘nice tits. Where do you want these blinds’.

MozartTheCat · 59 points · Posted at 01:12:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in the country down a dirt road that doubles as a driveway. There's only one other house on the road (my in-laws), so there are rarely ever cars driving by or random people around.

When I was doing online college courses and home alone all day, I'd usually spend the mornings either naked or just in my robe, because why the fuck not, nobody's going to see me.

So one day I was laying on the couch naked, watching TV or something, and suddenly UPS is knocking on my door. Now you wouldn't be able to see me from the road, but you could definitely see me from the porch where the delivery person is if you looked. So I fucking FLY off the couch and run into the hall where it's safe. And I start just uncontrollably giggling. I'm in the hallway near the bathroom, which has an open window that is like 3 feet away from the front door, so I know they can hear me. But I just stood there giggling nervously and waited for them to leave.

The delivery person must have been like wtf

floatingwithobrien · 31 points · Posted at 01:37:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandfather once answered the door naked for absolutely no reason other than he was currently wandering his house naked and is very comfortable with himself. He is not senile. Just....why though.

seymour1 · 37 points · Posted at 02:26:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Because if you’ve ever been in a locker room at any gym you know that old guys like to be naked and don’t give a fuck.

floatingwithobrien · 18 points · Posted at 02:51:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What if I've only been in the girl's locker rooms...

seymour1 · 26 points · Posted at 02:52:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Them you should visit a men’s locker room if you’d like to see shriveled old man balls that hang nearly to the floor. If not, keep on doing what you’re doing.

re_nonsequiturs · 9 points · Posted at 03:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
BigBlue923 · 8 points · Posted at 03:59:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My new neighbor by a couple of years now, recently showed up in the window stark naked just looking out the window cup of something in his hand, I am on my porch getting my xmas wreath, shaking off the snow that the boy scouts just delivered. I look up and see him, he sees, me runs for cover waving his hands around like a little girl. Tall full view windows by the way. Hope this accident of his doesn't become a habit.

Plague_Girl · 78 points · Posted at 00:43:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fiance's mom did this once when a Jehova's Witness was at the door. They never got solicited by Jehovas Witnesses again.

Holyitzpapalotl · 29 points · Posted at 01:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was raised by Jehovah's Witnesses (yeah, yeah, I know) and we were on the receiving end of a house call like this once. It's a pretty funny story to tell at parties. Hope it wasn't your fiance's mom!

Plague_Girl · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! I'm glad something like this makes for a good story on both sides.

[deleted] · 21 points · Posted at 03:20:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After my 3rd child was born I was exhausted and nursing all the time. So my boobs were always out because they were sore. While the baby was napping a package arrived and I opened the door, grabbed it and went back inside before realizing my tits were out. There was no delivery guy but there were neighbors outside.

Zythenia · 17 points · Posted at 05:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Delivery driver here. We've all seen a few naked people thank you for your nakedness and giving us another naked customer story to tell our coworkers!

DisloyalMouse · 10 points · Posted at 05:50:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a delivery driver, if we open the door either naked or in a state of undress, is it better to just take the package? This sounds dumb but my natural reaction would always be to slam the door and find something to cover myself with, then take the package.

Zythenia · 2 points · Posted at 02:16:04 on January 1, 2019 · (Permalink)

Most of the time people peek around the door then I avert my eyes hand over package/ scanner to sign

trooperjess · 17 points · Posted at 00:32:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guy or girl?

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 00:52:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asking the real questions here

DisloyalMouse · 21 points · Posted at 02:08:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a woman

trooperjess · 8 points · Posted at 02:14:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow.

DisloyalMouse · 20 points · Posted at 02:24:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah...it was super awkward. I’d love to say that it was a truly informative experience, but I’ve opened the door in enough various states of undress that I should know better by now.

Steadygirlsteady · 10 points · Posted at 03:03:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When did you realize? When the cold air hit you? Or did it take until you saw the look on his face? I can 100% see me doing this, btw.

DisloyalMouse · 8 points · Posted at 03:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kinda both 🤦‍♀️. I sort of felt the cold air hit me, and whilst processing this, saw the look in his face and looked down. I screamed and slammed the door. Worst part was I’m now standing their naked, with no clothes to hand and he’s already seen everything!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:55:30 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the delivery guy happen to look like Patrick Stewart?

https://youtu.be/IURfntimnlA

trooperjess · 8 points · Posted at 02:25:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sure the person on the other time doesn’t mind much. ;). Happy holidays

DisloyalMouse · 5 points · Posted at 02:30:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

😅, your probably right! Happy holidays to you too!

pM-me_your_Triggers · 6 points · Posted at 01:27:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gal, judging from post history

MattsyKun · 7 points · Posted at 01:37:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you SURE you're not remembering a porno you saw once? 😂

TrueDove · 3 points · Posted at 15:03:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god.

I was breastfeeding a newborn, which means my boobs were out ALL the time.

It became so normal that I wouldn’t realize my nursing bra was down when someone was at the door.

TheLolMaster11 · 2 points · Posted at 14:26:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Out of all of the posts on this thread, this is the one that made me cringe the most

MassaF1Ferrari · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Huh, I havent seen this version yet

rusmo · -1 points · Posted at 04:33:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“it took me a moment to recognize the situation I was in.”

Was the situation ‘the set of a porno movie?’

jojoharry16 · 0 points · Posted at 21:29:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

DisloyalMouse, I thought you'd do that all the time

Master_1398 · -7 points · Posted at 01:20:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[deleted] · -16 points · Posted at 01:36:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now the question is, are you an attractive female?

Or are you like everybody else on the internet, a hairy fat dude?

duskng · 153 points · Posted at 00:37:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

2 kinds of water bottles. One with a squeeze top and a normal twist cap one. Was drinking a normal twist cap bottle of water and squeezed it all over my face. Simultaneously went up my nose and down my shirt.

Depressaccount · 7 points · Posted at 01:38:49 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

In our kitchen discussing a job with our electrician. Took the top off a carton of chocolate milk, passed it to my SO. Instinctively, he starts shaking it as he usually does before opening it. Milk everywhere. Electrician standing there laughing at us. Good times.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 12:55:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What's a squeeze top?

Depressaccount · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:18 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Squeeze bottle probably more accurate, just has a top designed to work by squeezing.

rkgk13 · 1061 points · Posted at 22:05:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Oh god. This makes me want to die.

My ex-boyfriend and I had this thing where we'd take things out of context and make them mushy. Like I might say "tonight's sunset is really beautiful" and he'd say, "no YOU'RE really beautiful". Or "ouch! This soup is so hot" would be answered with "Ouch! YOU are so hot"

Once my coworker sampled one of our coffee creamers, made a face and said, "that's far too sweet." I automatically responded with, "no, YOU'RE far too sweet" imitating his voice and face while still working at my desk. When I looked up after realizing I said it aloud, his eyes were pretty wide.

legendariel · 543 points · Posted at 22:56:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex and I were always playfully mean to each other about certain things. Like if either one of us sneezed, instead of saying "bless you" it was "oh my god shut up"

It pops into my head literally every time someone sneezes... I've thankfully had enough self control not to blurt it out.

bagelmonkeys · 149 points · Posted at 23:35:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would find this hilarious if someone said this to me after sneezing. But also I’m sarcastically mean to people so I feel like it’s something I would actually do.

flyingwolf · 63 points · Posted at 00:54:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We say "damn you" instead of bless you.

The kids picked it up, awkward conversations were had at school.

littlegirlghostship · 21 points · Posted at 02:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hail Satan

1bigredbug · 5 points · Posted at 08:12:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Appropriate user name 👻

hitztasyj · 14 points · Posted at 02:57:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents and I tell each other to shut up after sneezing instead of “bless you”. I’ve accidentally said it to coworkers before realizing how shitty it sounds.

MrsmightyB · 10 points · Posted at 04:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost the same here. For the first sneeze I say bless you and the next I'll say shut up just to try to trick them in to saying thank you for telling them to shut up.

1bigredbug · 7 points · Posted at 08:14:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say bless you for the first, but if they sneeze again, I pretend to get angry and say "no, you only get one!"

masheduppotato · 8 points · Posted at 06:53:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a friend who who get into sneezing fits, one day it was far beyond normal and so I yelled, “Jesus Christ, knock it off”. After that, whenever one of us would sneeze the other would tell, “Jesus Christ”.

One day without thinking someone else sneezed and I started to yell out, “Jesus” and caught myself so I ended with, “Blesses you”...

AlexKarrasInWebster · 3 points · Posted at 10:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dying. "JESUS....blesses you".

Unismurfsity · 9 points · Posted at 03:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh I do that all the time to coworkers. “Can you be quiet?” “Are you done?” but to be fair, we’re all this way with each other and it makes work so much better.

P0sitive_Outlook · 9 points · Posted at 04:13:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two of my buddies used to reply to each other's banter with "Top banter, you C---". It was a tradition, and they did it for weeks.

One day when their family was visiting one made a joke and said "Top banter", to which the other replied "You C---". In front of the other buddy's mother, father, sister and toddlers.

SockPants · 3 points · Posted at 19:54:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You can say cunt on the internet though

P0sitive_Outlook · 1 points · Posted at 22:04:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is gonna change my search history for ever...

Fudgms · 5 points · Posted at 06:26:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's funny.

My girlfriend snaps at me "OH MY GOD Die quietly!" Whenever I sneeze.

ajmisawesome · 6 points · Posted at 05:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sarcastic asshole here, can confirm shouting “shut up!” when somebody sneezes in the middle of a party gets quite a few laughs. Just don’t try to do it twice...

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 02:28:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always say "nothing happens when you die"

legendariel · 7 points · Posted at 02:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha yeah pulled that one a couple times. Or a good hearty "hail satan"

userdmyname · 3 points · Posted at 05:48:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my deity, can I borrow that line?

legendariel · 5 points · Posted at 06:19:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Satan welcomes all worshipers.

userdmyname · 1 points · Posted at 21:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

sounds like a swell guy

spoiledlittlebitch · 2 points · Posted at 03:07:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is how I respond every time my husband sneezes.

kingofsurvivors · 6 points · Posted at 04:37:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My best friend does this, I started doing it with my gf, almost said it to a random stranger once lol

CazzaLazarou · 3 points · Posted at 05:57:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Yep, as a family if anyone sneezes or has a coughing fit or yawns loudly we say, "is there any need for that?" And roll our eyes.

shaydatticus · 1 points · Posted at 09:45:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha similarly I SHHHH him if he sneezes more than 3 times in a row. I’ve had the urge to jokingly do it at work before catching myself.

SockPants · 1 points · Posted at 19:51:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love it

siel04 · 162 points · Posted at 23:37:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brothers and I do this, but we don't limit it to things that are mushy or even make sense. A co-worker said something about a box. Me: "YOU'RE a box." I explained. She laughed. Whew.

EndGame410 · 27 points · Posted at 01:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's pretty much me to everyone I'm around. I have the sense of humor of a nine year old

MattsyKun · 9 points · Posted at 01:28:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, that's me and my coworkers.

EndGame410 · 27 points · Posted at 01:30:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's YOU and your coworkers

wait

BaconGobblerT_T · 11 points · Posted at 04:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my younger brother once had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: oh look, a coconut!

Him: No YOU’RE a coconut!

We still call each other coconuts.

Rednartso · 3 points · Posted at 09:04:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No, you're a cheeseburger!

I have a buddy that does the same thing.

GreatEscapist · 3 points · Posted at 11:36:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is also me after hanging out with my brother too much.

loversalibi · 2 points · Posted at 15:49:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this is like a running joke at my work lmao. one of our kitchen managers started doing it and now we all do. i didn’t notice for months

chipgal · 10 points · Posted at 01:40:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my god my friend does the same thing! Like someone will mention a mug and he’ll go ‘you’re a mug!’. He does it so often that it’s become a reflex. One of our mutual friends was holding a little cow figurine and was talking about it and without thinking, he turned to her and said ‘YOURE A COW!’.

She was not pleased.

istolethisface · 3 points · Posted at 03:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I caught myself in one of these! Same type of thing, and I was the one blurting "YOU'RE A-Nope! Oh God, nope!" She just laughed so I was fortunate.

P0sitive_Outlook · 4 points · Posted at 04:16:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:| My sister-in-law is large, and my brother had previously recounted a skit about a guy who goes whale watching: "You're a whale!" - "Is that a fat joke?!" - "You're a fat joke!".

She said something snarky to me and asked "Is that a joke?" and i replied "You're a fat joke! :D ... :O"

she hates me

Vievin · 2 points · Posted at 01:15:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This made me laugh. I hope you're still on good terms with your ex-bf.

Lionheart78239 · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old best friend and I would yell at each other pretending we were breaking up ALL THE TIME.

Then that carried over with my wife except it would be like frustrating flirtation if that makes any sense.

Well sometimes these friends of mine would randomly make a joke that can be taken sexually or romantically and because I’ve gotten so used to replying in a similar manner to both my best friend and wife I would almost reply to those other guys.. luckily I catch myself beforehand and I tell my wife about it. We get a little laugh out of it. Makes me nervous though.

(It’s my first relationship and I get worried that I’ll offend him even though I know he knows that I don’t mean it.)

OBtriceKenOB · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's rough.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like that’s a normal joke to make to a coworker though

Do I just have a fucked sense of humor?

distractionsgalore · 147 points · Posted at 00:29:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wrote out all the checks to pay bills, put it all in envelopes, postage stamps on everything, then threw it all into the trash can. I had to go out to the dumpster after we realized what happened (lived in an apartment at the time), fish our trash bag out of it and then go through the bag of trash to find all the envelopes. I never paid bills again after that. My wife handles all the finances now.

BatteredRose92 · 11 points · Posted at 08:28:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally threw my entire wallet away. This included my SS card, state Id, debit card, my son's cards, and a tiny gold coin I gave my grandfather when I was 5 who had just died. I didn't realize until like a week later (I barely left the house) and all of it is gone forever.

printflour · 2 points · Posted at 14:59:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Owww

breakingcups · 3 points · Posted at 11:00:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So the ruse worked?

distractionsgalore · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:53 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha yes!

Vievin · 142 points · Posted at 23:26:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to bathroom, pulled down pants to pee (I'm a girl). Next thing I remember, I'm taking a shower. Apparently pulling down my pants triggered the "undress" subroutine, and it triggered the "take a shower" subroutine.

Or one of the numerous times I put my cereal into the fridge.

tatzecom · 8 points · Posted at 09:56:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you the female version of me? Because I can't recollect how many times I just wanted to change my shirt and next thing I know is I'm in the shower, sometimes with some clothes on, sometimes not.

Or when you're sleep deprived at work and take of your jacket but in your frame of mind you don't stop, you just go on and take off layer after layer

Vievin · 2 points · Posted at 16:30:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It reminds me of the time I was undressing for PE and after pulling down my pants, I actually started pulling down my panties. I was very embarrassed, but thankfully nobody noticed.

tatzecom · 2 points · Posted at 17:44:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God no, I had this once and I hope nobody noticed... But it took me like a few seconds before I noticed that I am in fact not going through the bedtime routine or the swimming routine but just regular PE... I'm cringing just from thinking back, God that was embarrassing

Kangaroodle · 2 points · Posted at 12:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens to me on occasion. The friend group Hangout Spot™ is next door to my own apartment, so I just go home to use my own restroom when we’re hanging out. I’ve accidentally showered a few times, and it’s always weird to rinse off whatever I was involved and just show up pretending like I wasn’t just bathing.

Cleverusername531 · 2 points · Posted at 21:22:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laughing at the various subroutines triggered!

teebax929 · 283 points · Posted at 23:30:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a mini fridge and coffee maker in my room. One day last week (end of semester, and I'm exhausted) I was out of creamer. I went to the staff lounge and put creamer in my coffee cup, intending to then make coffee in my room. Cut to first period. I'm teaching and take a big drink of coffee from my cup. It was just French vanilla creamer. It was so cloyingly sweet, but I couldn't spit it out so I had to swallow it.

meloadev · 43 points · Posted at 02:51:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did almost this. Only I added the creamer to my toddler's sippy cup instead of milk. She really liked it.

jordyKbell · 13 points · Posted at 06:13:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Twice in my sleep-deprived-mommy state have I gone to add some grenadine to a glass before pouring a Coke in, only to pour myself a full glass of grenadine.

teebax929 · 8 points · Posted at 13:29:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grenadine and Coke sounds delicious. I'll have to try that.

banditkeithwork · 4 points · Posted at 19:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

it's a roy rogers, one of the classic nonalcoholic cocktails like the shirley temple

Das_Jmeister · 131 points · Posted at 22:49:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a marching band when I was a kid. The band countermarched (turned around on the spot) but I was in the front row and didn't notice, so I carried on for about 20 paces, playing my trombone quite happily until I noticed I couldn't hear the rest of the band any more.

dayvasquez99 · 6 points · Posted at 00:55:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who puts a trombone in the front row? In my band it was either flutes or saxophones.

thesleepyCulverwitch · 10 points · Posted at 02:14:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well depending on your show it may change throughout. My sister played marching tuba and ended up in the front a couple of times.

dayvasquez99 · 6 points · Posted at 02:15:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't think of that lol

Das_Jmeister · 7 points · Posted at 08:27:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The trombones were always in the front so we didn't poke the people in front of us with our slides.

Paptreek · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That sounds traumatizing.

[deleted] · 2080 points · Posted at 21:31:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I jumped out of my truck thinking it was in park and it drove away from me. I jumped back in and hit the break about 1 foot before crashing into a building.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 666 points · Posted at 21:42:51 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Were you okay? Aside from a mild heart attack it would seem. Excellent dad reflexes though!

[deleted] · 369 points · Posted at 21:45:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im fine. It was funny really.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 229 points · Posted at 22:09:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the time or looking back? Things are always funnier looking back I think. I remember once, my dad took my sister up one of our many back road for a little driving lesson. She nearly drove us off the edge of the banking while my dad was screaming “brake! Brake!!!” Terrifying at the time but looking back it’s pretty hilarious. A+ parenting skills dad.

[deleted] · 156 points · Posted at 22:18:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Both. I looked around and saw that nobody saw it happen and just started laughing. Another embarrassing time was when I ran myself over with a 4 wheeler. Don't try donuts in a 4 wheeler kids!

legendariel · 23 points · Posted at 22:49:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever had one of those terrifying moments when your stupid brain keeps your stupid leg on the accelerator when you intend to brake? I had a conversation with my dad about that and I'll be damned if it wasn't 2 days later my brain pulled that shit on me again (it's happened twice). Nothing consequential happened, just ran over a curb while turning and felt foolish.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 22:51:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ive never done that. But was passeger when a friend did and sent the car through a barbershop window.

99Orange · 9 points · Posted at 23:00:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ran myself over in a snowmobile and broke my leg. I was jumping it over snow banks and my leg slipped from the foothold mid jump. As I pulled my foot back up the spikes on the track caught my pant legs and pulled me off. I landed alright, but the snowmobile landed on me, spikes and all, with the track still spinning. Hurt like hell.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 23:20:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ouch. that sounds painful.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 8 points · Posted at 22:32:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you run yourself over?

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 22:34:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I'm trying to do donuts in the thing and instead of the back wheels peeling out they gripped real good so the sudden g-force threw me off. The 4 wheeler (quad) then circles around and drives right on top of me. The only thing it hurt was my ego, but again, my first reaction was to laugh.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 8 points · Posted at 23:10:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s crazy, you didn’t get hurt at all? I always imagined those things to be pretty heavy

I mean, if you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 23:21:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Theyre not that heavy and you keep the tires half flat so you don't feel much as it drives over you.

crepe-weirdough · 4 points · Posted at 00:27:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my uncles ran himself over in a truck and I believe killed himself. The gear got stuck so he got underneath and changed it manually. His truck then proceeded to run over him.

Th3CatOfDoom · 2 points · Posted at 20:14:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:(

crepe-weirdough · 1 points · Posted at 20:23:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's okay, he might have been the one with some brain damage, and if not, he wasn't very bright. I also don't know if I ever met him, my mom had like 7 sisters and at least 2-3 brothers that survived infancy? And that's not counting the half brother she had somewhere in Korea from when her dad was over there for the war.

MagikarpOfDeath · 3 points · Posted at 00:32:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once ran myself over with a lawnmower, so i know how you feel!

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 00:54:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hope the blades werent running!

MagikarpOfDeath · 3 points · Posted at 01:30:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha nope, I was just riding around on it at full speed for fun, took a corner too sharp and kinda half fell off, ran over my leg, then pulled myself back on and stopped it.

karambeium · 2 points · Posted at 20:49:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I saw something like this happen to an 80 something year old woman. She ended up getting dragged back by the door as she wasn't able to move fast enough to get out. She ended up walking away with a few scratches and bruises.

cindyscrazy · 8 points · Posted at 00:01:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm alarmed, I forget how to park a standard, or possibly forget that I'm driving a standard.

First time it happened, I was driving home from work at 7:00PM. As I was coming up to an intersection, I saw a bunch of firetrucks and police cars. As I'm pulling around the corner to pass them, I see a pickup truck that had not taken the corner right and had gone up on a low wall. My thought pattern was "Wow, that looks like my...OMG THAT'S MY DAUGHTER'S TRUCK!"

I immediately pulled over and tried to jump out of the car. The car started rolling backwards, as standard cars will do if they are not put in gear or have the E brake pulled. I jumped back and and frantically tried to figure out what I needed to do to stop the movement. By the time I was done, an EMS worker had come to my car.

My daughter was fine, no real damage to the truck even.

Next time it happened, I hit a deer. I drive a VW Beetle, so the poor thing really just went flying over the top of my bubble car.

I pulled over, forgot to take it out of gear, and the car immediately stalled. That worked though.

Deer broke her rear leg and she had to be put down :( Absolutely no damage to my car though, surprisingly.

stevethecow · 4 points · Posted at 04:38:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I learned on an automatic and eventually switched to manual because it was the only car I could afford. A few months go by and I borrow my dad's truck (automatic) to haul something. Being a truck, the pedals are much farther apart than the pedals in my car. After a while I go into autopilot, and proceed to press the clutch all the way to the floor to change gears, except it wasn't the clutch it was the brake, and I was going about 40 mph.

wufoo2 · 24 points · Posted at 22:12:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

*brake

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 22:16:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks.

wheatencross1 · 6 points · Posted at 00:20:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple of times I've inserted the key but forgot to start the engine. Cue me wondering why the hell my car is rolling when I put it in reverse.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 00:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol. Even worse is trying to start it when its already running.

stevethecow · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a car that had a super quiet engine and I did that all the damn time.

2HornsUp · 3 points · Posted at 01:01:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same thing happened to me. Except in reverse. And I didn’t catch it in time. Now the light post outside my house isn’t perpendicular to the ground.

DaLiftingDead · 3 points · Posted at 00:41:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guy was hungover in our dealership service shop and did this with a car the other day. Stopped it so close to our tire machine, I could barely slide a sheet of paper in between the two.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:02:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:11:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought that was gonna end with your truck in the ocean lol.

Heslay_Cashlion · 3 points · Posted at 01:42:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just you know it could be worse.

I did the same thing as I beeped to get the attention and jumped out of my truck to talk to a guy on the side of the road at a work location.

I quickly ran around the front of my truck and it proceeded to hit me. Almost pinned my leg under but luckily were it was going slow in idle/drive I managed to spin out of the way.

I can’t keep a straight face to this day thinking of that guys face/reaction when I proceeded to tell him what I needed like nothing happened.

tranquil_lemur · 3 points · Posted at 03:25:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually did this in the delivery vehicle for my work. For some reason I was in a big hurry and when I got to the place I was delivering to I immediately hopped out of the truck without throwing it in park. The truck slammed into the front door of the building and bent the shit out of it. I shit bricks all the way back to work thinking I was going to lose my job but luckily my boss was super cool about it. I still haven't lived it down and that was like 3 years ago.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 05:13:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I rented one of the biggest Uhauls for my last move. As I was driving up to my house I started a 4 point turn to line up to back into my driveway. I drive up all the way to the left, then started backing up to the right but like at full speed and barely looking behind me since, you know, I'm still like 50' from my driveway. I got some good speed going before looking in the side mirror and realizing there's 26' of vehicle behind me and it's getting SUPER close to my car. I hit the brakes as hard as I could, but it's an old uhaul so the brakes were awful. I was unbelievabley lucky to come to a stop within a HALF INCH of my car

TrueRusher · 3 points · Posted at 05:50:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my older sister was getting my younger siblings and me ready for school and packed us all in the car.

She turns it on for my mother and the next thing I know our car is in the living room.

She forgot that this car was a manual and that she had to check the stick first (she had mostly driven the automatic until just before that).

Rezhio · 2 points · Posted at 22:09:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

You almost made the top 10 funny video

brrrgitte · 2 points · Posted at 00:41:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no. This happened to my truck. Except it was parked on the street and it was the neighbor who made that mistake. Still doesn’t drive the same :(

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 03:45:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god. I recently got my forklift license and those things drive automatically when they're not in neutral. It's also safer to run them backwards when loaded (better view). The shift is on the left, and the indicator is on the right. I indicated right to go down a driveway and pick up a double-stacked load, and reversed out. I went to indicate and instead shifted from reverse into forward, which stopped it dead with a wheelspin.

I mentioned this to my father, and he said that's how the staff at his warehouse used to stop when they were super busy. I couldn't imagine doing that on purpose.

tpfang56 · 2 points · Posted at 03:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something like that once. Parked on a slight incline and then went out without putting the car in park. It slowly started rolling backwards and could’ve rolled back into the street if I didn’t get back in immediately and put it in park.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car fixes this by keeping my key until I switch to park.

Keyless ignitions are fancy and all, but my car has my, admittedly pretty stupid, back.

levif11 · 2 points · Posted at 00:54:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Funny story. When I was younger I was at a stop light and I witnessed something similar happen except the guy out the car and it was in reverse. The car backed up and did a half circle around another car into another parking spot except facing the wrong way before the guy caught it. It was surreal to watch.

abstractattack · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG. I sort if did this. I live on a mild incline. I got in my manual vehicle. Took it out of gear and dropped the E-break. I then realized I forgot something inside. Jumped out. Ran in the house to grab what I needed...and ran back out.

I look up and I was like "where the hell is my car?"

The fucking thing was rolling down the block.

Thank God I live in a quiet neighborhood where everyone was already off at work and there were no car at the curb. I Stopped the car 10 foot from A massive tree.

I had to laugh at the stupidity.

alfredhelix · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this, except it was a bus full of college students. Thankfully I managed to pass it off as a faulty parking brake. Even radioed base to life a complaint and they brought me a replacement bus.

ElKirbyDiablo · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man. I did something very similar, except with a box truck with air brakes at a gas station.

nowimback · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this in line for a WoF. Almost hit the car in front then was too embarrassed to go back inside to wait haha.

Stimperonovitch · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually, you hit the brake, not the break.

thereddaikon · 1 points · Posted at 03:39:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You hit the break? Must have been an expensive repair job.

pdy18 · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I've attempted to hit the clutch in automatic wheels more than I can count. Both when speeding up and pulling to a stop/slowing down

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my car, it’s 4 clicks from drive to park. One day, I put my car in L without realizing it. When I parked and pushed the shifter up 4 clicks, I ended up in reverse instead of park, and almost ran myself over. I use my parking brake now.

BlendeLabor · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

God this is something I worry about all the time when I get home late in (my) evening and am really tired.

OnlyAnotherEmily · 1 points · Posted at 08:15:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you kiki on the way?

dannixxphantom · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad has to visit work sites that are gated. He's almost run himself over several times.

welpplayedtb · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been there done that. One time it almost rolled into the road though.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didnt even NOTICE I didnt park my truck until someone yelled "Ma'am, your car is moving!" I just completely turned my back on it. So embarresing.

floatingwithobrien · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I put my car in park when I was still going ~2 miles per hour. Not a pretty sound.

3-DMan · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a character in Justified that keeps doing this

Tinnachee · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel this so much, I've done it with a box truck at work, I didn't even notice at first, someone had to say "Hey man, your truck is escaping." At which point I stared stupidly at my slowly departing vehicle before the "Oh right, I should do something about that" instinct kicked in.

leomonster · 1838 points · Posted at 21:46:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I. Uhm. Peed into the trashcan. In the kitchen.

I was sober at the moment, mind you. Just very distracted.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1103 points · Posted at 22:10:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

How distracted do you have to be to pee into the kitchen bin?

[deleted] · 967 points · Posted at 22:35:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Distracted enough to pee in the kitchen bin.

AveryDauben · 196 points · Posted at 22:56:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)
Queensbro · 21 points · Posted at 23:50:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's a real sub.

AveryDauben · 19 points · Posted at 00:01:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Correct!

notkoreytaube · 23 points · Posted at 01:01:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
HappyLittleRadishes · 3 points · Posted at 23:50:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this one of them tautologies?

Cup27 · 2 points · Posted at 08:06:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goteeem

jbrogdon · 5 points · Posted at 00:24:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

found the not-American!

Alaira314 · 13 points · Posted at 00:40:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As an American...exactly how distracted do you have to be to pee into the kitchen bin?

Im_Space · 5 points · Posted at 22:35:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've almost done that so many times

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 00:34:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm slightly concerned that multiple people have done this.

Im_Space · 3 points · Posted at 09:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It generally happens when I have something I am meaning to throw away and I need piss. Tbh I've almost attempted that with a shit as well...

geared4war · 2 points · Posted at 01:23:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Depends. Does it have a pedal? Because hitting the pedal first would take realllll distraction.

leomonster · 5 points · Posted at 06:37:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It didn't. Just a lid. And lifting a lid and peeing in was just natural in autopilot. As I replied earlier, I noticed what had happened when I reached with my hand forward to flush it down and happened to notice where I actually was and what I just did. I stood there, feeling like I've just woke up.

Never happened to me again.

Yet.

nemesissi · 2 points · Posted at 09:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very. Yes.

Bayoumi · 2 points · Posted at 15:44:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe he wanted to pee in the kitchen sink.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 16:05:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe he did! Strange place to pee, but to each their own.

SteliosPo · 15 points · Posted at 23:29:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

OH WAIT. That happened to me as well. Exactly the same. But I was not on auto-pilot. I was sleep walking. Glad I’m not the only one who did that.

kdavva74 · 8 points · Posted at 23:18:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I got the laundry, bin and toilet mixed up because it was where the dirty stuff went. I'd go to piss in the laundry, put my clothes in the bin and put rubbish in the toilet.

baileys-am · 2 points · Posted at 03:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah man. I did this once when I was around 5. I remember stopping and thinking I should just turn around and use the toilet. Nope already committed, then I continued whilst wondering if my mom would figure it out. Now I wonder why the hamper is in the bathroom anyways.

reikobi · 5 points · Posted at 00:17:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you make it all the way through before realizing it? Or did it dawn on you halfway through, but you figured you’re committed now?

leomonster · 8 points · Posted at 00:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you really need to know, I realized what I'd just done when I made the automatic movement to flush it down. Then it dawned on me. I just stood there, dumbstruck for a while. How the fuck did this happen?

Ai_Bot_Naughty · 3 points · Posted at 23:36:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is a personal fear of mine. I really don't want it to happen at work.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:07:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know someone who went back to a girls house on a night out, changed his mind about spending the night, peed in her trashcan and just left. He was drunk.

pt_79 · 4 points · Posted at 00:04:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know, I came here to say this.

I was six, and I went downstairs to get some water and pee.

I managed to do both, but I couldn't quite figure out what that rain like sound was, or what I'd opened the garbage can.

ApertureElement · 2 points · Posted at 00:11:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my good friends did this drunk into the litter box!

east_village · 2 points · Posted at 00:25:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done similar but while very drunk

LambentAxis · 2 points · Posted at 00:25:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the very same thing but at work. Luckily no one was about

buttonmasher525 · 2 points · Posted at 00:36:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've peed in the trashcan right next to the toilet in the bathroom before.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:40:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember doing that when I had taken Hydroxycut with ephedrine (back when it was legal) and had to throw something away and had to pee really bad.

1plus1equalsgender · 2 points · Posted at 00:42:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My laughter has reached the point where I'm in physical pain in multiple parts of the body.

branimal84 · 2 points · Posted at 01:55:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this when I was a kid. I was very sick and I think delirious. My Mom was peeling potatoes and I just walked up next to her, whipped it out and pissed in the garbage.

adudeknownaszed · 2 points · Posted at 02:17:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger I woke up in the night, opened my closet, pulled out my bin of legos and peed in them. Put the lid back on closed the closet and went back to bed. Mom wasnt impressed.

marigoldsnthesun · 2 points · Posted at 02:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom tells this story all the time to embarrass my dad! He was exhausted, having just gotten back from deployment that day, and she feels him get up in the middle of the night. She’s dozing when she hears it- he’s peeing right at the foot of the bed, straight into the middle of the floor. She almost died laughing!

DeepBreathing4Me · 3 points · Posted at 22:36:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I applaud your courage for sharing this.

erial_ck · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting or standing?

SlippingStar · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this in dreams.

AndWeMay · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this on benadryl.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was distracting you?

Please don't say kids, please don't say kids

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jesus Christ dude, how sober were you?

PLZ_STOP_PMING_TITS · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the same thing. Walked up, stepped on the pedal to lift the cover, started peeing. Found it strange I didn't remember having to step on anything to use the toilet before and realized what I was doing.

the-johnnadina · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost did this a couple times

KayakNinja · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in a trashcan at work because when I went in to the bathroom I had been thinking about changing a trash bag in a different building. Needless to say I changed 2 bags that day.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A guy peed into my buddy's fridge once.

He was not sober.

WrittenInTheStars · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Be funnier if you were a woman

Onlyuneenredditor · 1 points · Posted at 05:31:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost did the same thing when I was 14 i think

mr_punchy · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you have a newborn by chance? College finals? Did youvjust perform a 18 hour surgery?

I mean that or you are basically mental, no level of normal distraction accounts for pissing in a trashcan.

Thats alcohol, sleep deprivation or dysfunction.

drewboos · 246 points · Posted at 01:05:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really tired working at a bakery and greeted a customer "Hi there how are you doing today?"

They responded with "Good. You?"

I responded "Pretty good. You?"

They then responded "Alright. How about to you?"

I responded "Goo- wait a second."

Guess we were both pretty tired

Paptreek · 20 points · Posted at 07:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahahaha. I wonder what the record is for how many times two people went back and fourth like this without realizing.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 19:09:29 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is a real life Infinite loop.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_loop

tatzecom · 3 points · Posted at 09:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is it folks, this is how friends (or mutual respect) are coming into this world

aslochatham · 542 points · Posted at 00:14:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Somewhere after the birth of our second or third kid, I went downstairs to heat up a bottle for our crying bundle of joy.

I’m guessing they were still under six months of age, since they were waking up multiple times a night. Anyway, after a few minutes my wife yelled down to see what was taking so long. I stumbled back upstairs with the bottle and handed it to her.

I finally woke up once she yelled at me for bringing her the baby’s bottle with a giant chunk of leftover sesame chicken smashed into it...and no baby formula.

In my defense, I had heated it up so that it wouldn’t be cold...

Caira_Ru · 256 points · Posted at 01:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Those newborn sleep-deprived autopilot moments are the best (worst?)! And it takes years for the "calm the baby sway" to stop. Stand up in church? Sway. In line at the bank? Sway. Waiting for luggage at the baggage claim? Sway.

All without an infant in your arms.

istolethisface · 13 points · Posted at 03:08:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandma kept that sway until the stroke, and I remember wondering why she did it as I was growing up. Then I had my kid and realized I was doing grandma's sway. I still do sometimes, as it seems to help with my hips, which stiffen up if I stand still too long.

EllPeas · 9 points · Posted at 09:17:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Earlier this year, I asked my husband for a bite of his food. He scooped some up and opened his mouth while putting the food near my mouth, like you would when trying to get a baby to eat baby food.

Our child is nine.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 07:29:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The problem is by the time the baby sway stops from your children, you get grandchildren and start that baby sway all over again for another generation.

BatteredRose92 · 5 points · Posted at 08:12:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude..I went to the middle east to meet my husband's family. His cousin was like 6 or 7 and he brought a necklace his parents bought me. My reaction was to pick him up into a hug and rock him while patting his butt. I really missed my two year old who stayed behind with my mother while we went. (I was terrified of him getting sick.) That's the only explanation I have for this. It went on for a good 30 seconds before I realized this was probably strange. I sheepishly paused and put him down thinking "oh my God this woman is probably thinking 'why the hell is this foreign woman hitting my son's butt?!' I didn't even speak the language to be able to explain myself, but her reaction was more of a look of pity. I think she understood.

nuclearwomb · 5 points · Posted at 04:55:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holding the cat dog/cat.. swaying.,.

Barbara1182 · 5 points · Posted at 05:11:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg! And I thought I was the only one who did that. Thank you!

Jrme1315 · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My youngest is 3 and I still do it. I'll catch myself standing in line at Walmart, by myself, swaying.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:32:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i do this and ive never had a baby or held a baby

karafoster10 · 2 points · Posted at 14:25:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My youngest is 8 1/2 and I still sway all the time!

SubjectPhase · 2 points · Posted at 17:13:46 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha yep. Always catch myself swaying.

I'm a guy.

crashley_earl · 18 points · Posted at 04:16:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband poured a bottle of Olive Garden dressing in a baby bottle, heated it up, and brought it. When questioned about it, he calmly took the lid off and started drinking it, as if he always chugged the baby’s breastmilk in the middle of the night. He then had the gall to yell at me because he was drinking warm Italian salad dressing and it was less than palatable...

Dappershire · 3 points · Posted at 13:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can see myself in this. "If you wanted milk in the bottle, why didn't you say so before I went down?"

DogsWithJetpacks · 14 points · Posted at 05:30:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh Lord. The first few weeks of my kid's life we're rough. Wouldn't latch, wouldn't drink from a bottle, wouldn't poop, was jaundiced and my wife had really bad PPD. The was a moment, maybe ten days in or so where I just couldn't remember my baby's name. It would not come to me. Then I started to panic thinking we had forgotten to name the baby.

Otachi365 · 5 points · Posted at 02:25:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the best one I've read

sugar6jeep · 4 points · Posted at 02:52:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the most relatable one I’ve read

Campbellgr3 · 2 points · Posted at 03:35:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is hilarious... had me in stitches.

Arkazex · 2 points · Posted at 04:39:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually couldn't breathe after reading this

WickedRaccoon · 2 points · Posted at 08:15:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"suck on this, motherfucker"

You, probably.

koinu-chan_love · 2 points · Posted at 09:56:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Formula smells awful. The baby would probably have preferred sesame chicken.

k2on0s · 2 points · Posted at 14:57:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s right up there with me trying to burp my friends when I am hugging them goodbye

g_s_m · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy duck this is good

MrsBearasuarus · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my youngest was a newborn I once tried to feed him a bottle with just water and couldn't figure out why he wouldn't take it. My SO finally figured it out when he woke up.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:49:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would have just said early solid foods time! Or imitated a bird regurgitating food....for extra awkwardness.

Ald806 · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:13 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband and I have both shushed the oven timer, once at the same time.

onionslut · 1097 points · Posted at 22:25:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I have to go potty" - me, to my boss

Rose_A_Belle · 175 points · Posted at 00:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked my boss to change out the Sprite box because it tasted funny and his response was "Oh yeah, well you taste funny!" - so awkward for everyone involved

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 02:29:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:/

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 05:57:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

tbf you do kinda taste a bit funky

Rose_A_Belle · 1 points · Posted at 05:58:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You said you wouldn't tell anyone!

cats4prez · 101 points · Posted at 00:26:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a 40-something year old coworker that actually says this on a regular basis.... I cringe every time

Caira_Ru · 91 points · Posted at 01:18:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a Filipino gal at work who says, "I go make pee-pee now" when she's going on break. She's 54.

prone_to_laughter · 9 points · Posted at 03:20:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shit I gotta use that

PreInfinityTV · 8 points · Posted at 07:37:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

commit empty bladder

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 13:36:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Nigerian ex used to say “I need to ease myself.” Made me cry every time.

onionslut · 40 points · Posted at 00:39:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, that's horrifying

tafkat · 26 points · Posted at 01:26:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you work with me? If so, just so you know... I do it on purpose.

cats4prez · 2 points · Posted at 15:01:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t think she knows what reddit is, but next time I see her/you I’ll ask!

tafkat · 2 points · Posted at 15:14:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh. I'm a dude, so definitely not me. :-)

Golden_Spider666 · 7 points · Posted at 01:17:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Could have a mental disability

cats4prez · 1 points · Posted at 14:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope, just a weird & annoying person 🙃

Golden_Spider666 · 0 points · Posted at 15:02:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You don’t know that for sure

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:19:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol that's wild. I don't even let my kindergarten students say that.

OrganizedSprinkles · 44 points · Posted at 00:45:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh that's happened before. I was in a stand up meeting without a bunch of people and my coworker was shifting around a lot and I instinctively as her if she had to go potty.

onionslut · 14 points · Posted at 01:28:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's hilarious

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 61 points · Posted at 22:36:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh NO! What did they say?

popculturereference · 33 points · Posted at 02:21:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Call me when you're ready to wipe."

TexasTmac · 13 points · Posted at 02:23:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The only play to win that moment is to actually call your boss when you're ready to wipe.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:36:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then the only play to win THAT move is to wipe the coworkers asscrack

TexasTmac · 16 points · Posted at 02:41:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean depends on your perspective. If your boss is wiping YOUR ass...I'd say you were the boss.

DaveyRulez · 7 points · Posted at 03:26:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How the hell did we end up here?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:59:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

4D chess

onionslut · 4 points · Posted at 00:04:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

By all means, onionslut

veraamber · 19 points · Posted at 00:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Who the hell do you say that to at all?

onionslut · 31 points · Posted at 00:40:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dog

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 0 points · Posted at 13:38:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About half an hour ago I turned to my cat ant went “I need a poop! Oh windows open.”

SkullCreekVol · 16 points · Posted at 02:47:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my son was little, he called his junk a ting ting. I was at work one day helping our warehouse guy move some stuff when he accidentally took a crotch shot from a box. I immediately said "oh shit, did you hit your ting ting?"

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 13:41:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We call it a winky in my family.

Similarly, we cal vaginas “flowers” but for some reason, I honestly cannot remember where I got it from, I call it a fifi. Everyone thinks it’s funny, my friend’s mum will say “you’ll swear like a sailor but you won’t say fanny.”

kazein · 2 points · Posted at 16:20:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait, fanny isnt a butt?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 16:28:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha not in Scotland, it means fifi here

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, did he hit his ting ting?

ArchAngel9175 · 14 points · Posted at 01:15:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My super and I do this when we're working evenings and it's just the two of us. Usually involves poking our head around the corner of the wall behind the main desk and loud "whispering" some version of that, then trying to not laugh out loud in the library.

onionslut · 10 points · Posted at 01:29:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just laughed out loud picturing this omg

exclamation11 · 16 points · Posted at 00:01:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one is my favourite

GirlWhoWrites2 · 5 points · Posted at 03:18:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Thank you for asking so nicely!" Me to a coworker

Having a kid messes your mind up.

You-need-a-big-one · 3 points · Posted at 02:08:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BUAHAHA, I do the same thing! Although, plenty of times, when eating out with adults and getting ready to leave, I ask “do you need to go potty?”

AnxiousJorge · 3 points · Posted at 05:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will be me when I eventually go back to work after six or so years of just raising my kids.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How old where you then?

onionslut · 3 points · Posted at 10:31:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

23

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:47:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How much do you like onions?

onionslut · 4 points · Posted at 11:27:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd do anything for a fresh vidalia

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 11:43:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you like the coconut guy and put your dick inside onions?

saidPotato · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

SPEECH 02

fatbean100 · 1 points · Posted at 16:03:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my employees says this to me every time she goes to the bathroom. She is in her 50’s and it makes me cringe every time.

[deleted] · 242 points · Posted at 23:30:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving a giant, 80s Chevy suburban and stopped to drop mail into the drive-up post office box. I couldn't reach, so I hopped out of the suburban and then watched it roll away... Cause I didn't put it in park. I ran after it and jumped in wearing a pencil skirt (the cab is like, three feet off the ground). There was a line of cars behind me watching the whole thing.

Cleverusername531 · 24 points · Posted at 00:25:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That‘s pretty hard to pull off in a pencil skirt! Good job :)

DustyMustang · 2 points · Posted at 13:55:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sounds hardcore lmao

itsmarvin · 353 points · Posted at 23:32:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up to make my breakfast. My dad was already up and in the kitchen. A pot cover was in my way, so I picked it up (not by its handle), realized it was hot and dropped it on the floor immediately. Bent over to pick it back up, also immediately, and obviously dropped it again. Dad saw the whole thing unravel.

Campbellgr3 · 29 points · Posted at 03:44:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the same thing blacksmithing. And that, kids, is how daddy burned some of his fingerprints off

ductoid · 117 points · Posted at 22:49:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a foreign exchange student stay with me one year. When we were coming back from a picnic once we were talking and I autopilot accidentally drove right past my exit and kept going all the way to Ohio with her in the car. I was embarrassed but she was excited because she got to see more of the country.

owwlies · 115 points · Posted at 22:51:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

And thus became the only person to get excited about going to Ohio

Vdaggle · 15 points · Posted at 04:08:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a friend try to drive from Atlanta Georgia to Charelston South Carolina they ended up in Columbus Ohio somehow

PlsDntPMme · 3 points · Posted at 19:20:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fucking how??

Vdaggle · 2 points · Posted at 20:50:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No goddamn idea

Sam_Vimes_AMCW · 2 points · Posted at 23:35:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not true, I went to Dayton Ohio for winter guard championships and I was beyond psyched

anonima_ · 1 points · Posted at 22:17:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going to Ohio is really exciting when you're from Kentucky

Union_5-3992 · 1 points · Posted at 17:37:51 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really? Kentucky seems like it'd be more interesting. Or at least more pretty

anonima_ · 2 points · Posted at 17:43:06 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Natural areas in Kentucky are very beautiful. The rural areas and small towns are just sad though, so going to the big cities in Ohio can be exciting. Cincinnati has a lot of fun stuff to do.

Splendidissimus · 6 points · Posted at 10:02:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm imagining for my own amusement that you started in Oregon.

Mfreyes · 227 points · Posted at 23:54:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a drug store, covering someone's break in the cosmetics department.

Swiping a bunch of items over the scanner which consisted of lipsticks, powders, nail polish and the mcdonalds hamburger I took out of the customers hand.

(It was wrapped, the hamburger was fine)

KhandakerFaisal · 20 points · Posted at 07:57:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finders keepers

Paptreek · 14 points · Posted at 07:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this in retail with customer’s personal jackets, water bottles, backpacks, etc..

The response is always “Oh that’s mine.” Followed by an embarrassed “Woops, sorry!” by me.

IDontCareAtThisPoint · 3 points · Posted at 18:27:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate when cashiers do that. Why would you take something out of a customer's hand without asking, anyway?

Paptreek · 3 points · Posted at 18:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well I think taking it out of their hand was a bit much, for me it’s always been laid on the counter mixed in with their pile of merchandise.

IDontCareAtThisPoint · 3 points · Posted at 18:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah, that makes more sense. I can see how that could happen easily.

omgzlazers · 334 points · Posted at 23:16:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving my daughter to school ended up at work. Her school and my work are off the same rd, i tool a left too early and hear from the back seat and a confused yet you're a dumbass tone "um where are we going daddy?"
The long way sweetie, the long way shhhhhh

Ven_Landry · 30 points · Posted at 03:54:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's okay. My Dad did that with me years ago except his work was in the complete wrong direction. He realized and said fuck it and brought me to work with him and called school and told them.

hunnynotfunny · 11 points · Posted at 02:45:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahhahha this made me chuckle

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 10:12:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've nearly turned to go to my son's school when he was home sick several times. Blinker on and slowing down then suddenly realizing he's not with me and continuing another mile down the road to work.

ACrowofMurders · 224 points · Posted at 00:29:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Raspberry flavor packet in the ramen. Spicy chicken packet in the water.

Fuckin' whoops.

nymphlotus · 28 points · Posted at 06:35:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think "fuckin' whoops" is my new favorite phrase.

Arkazex · 23 points · Posted at 05:06:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did it taste good?

ACrowofMurders · 48 points · Posted at 05:58:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Which one? Cause the answer is no.

Tacticalspark · 111 points · Posted at 22:23:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went bar hopping with a friend and after we got back to the Airbnb I started collecting things and putting them on the coffee table. Everyone asked me what I was doing and I drunk/half asleep respond “ I always forget lunch, I have to pack my lunch for work tomorrow.”

Magic_Sex_Bomb · 8 points · Posted at 05:42:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah man, I wish I had lunch making on autopilot. I usually just end up waking up too late and grabbing whatever is in the fridge on the way out.

Thankfully, I’ve gotten really good at keeping grab-and-go food around.

Tacticalspark · 3 points · Posted at 07:23:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wish I had that on autopilot too. I meant to pack a lunch but I was grabbing the remote control, a dab piece, napkins and pretty munch anything that looks like it would fit in a lunch bag

Shad0wFa1c0n · 2 points · Posted at 10:25:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went out for my SO's birthday which happens to be St Patrick's day. It was her, her friend and I going out. She got a drink that was fucking delicious and the bartender told us what it was and what was in it. When we got home we wrote it down. Woke up to a torn up piece of paper with the words "Chocolate and notebook paper" on it

TirNahOige · 220 points · Posted at 22:29:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

End of a 4 day swim meet, I’m on the last relay and I’m focused on the celebrations to come. After the race I walk up to my clothes on the pool deck and just start stripping right there, my coach yells at me, horrified and tosses a towel my way.

NifflerOwl · 26 points · Posted at 04:43:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My worst fear is taking off all my clothes in the changing room and walking to the pool butt naked.

paper_swan_flight · 26 points · Posted at 05:01:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally swam the Intermediate Medley backwards. Was super excited that I got first place, didn’t even realize what I’d done, was disqualified. :(

Raichu7 · 6 points · Posted at 10:14:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you accidentally swim backwards?

paper_swan_flight · 20 points · Posted at 10:16:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

No idea. It was over a decade ago so I don’t really remember it well but I know I didn’t even realize it until they told me.

Edit: Just realized the confusion. It was not backwards but in reverse order.

For those who aren’t familiar with competitive swim: Intermediate Medley consists of four different swim styles in the following order:

Butterfly - backstroke - breaststroke - freestyle(crawl)

The judges said they’d never had anyone do it out of order and weren’t even sure it was against the rules but they disqualified me just in case doing it out of order gave me an advantage.

Hipster_Tyson · 215 points · Posted at 00:50:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In basic, after you go to the shooting range, you are inspected by your drill sergeant for brass or ammo. When they reach you to clear your weapon, you are to sound off with a loud "No brass, no ammo, drill sergeant!". Well i got used to doing this and one time this particular firey drill sergeant came around to me, and I looked at him sqaure in the eye without realizing and said.. "No brass, no drill sergeant, ammo!" You could tell he wanted to laugh. Instead he made me run around in a circle yelling no brass no ammo for a good 30 minutes.

Army autopilots suck.

BigBIue · 19 points · Posted at 04:55:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahaha bloody hell this made me laugh hard. Middle of the night and I go full hyena

Rough man, habits like that screw you

mathew56765 · 12 points · Posted at 09:39:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When we had our family day at the end of boot camp, we had a shakedown once we returned for the night. My drill sergeant had us yell "no candy, no condoms, drill sergeant!"

NewPointOfView · 1 points · Posted at 09:19:24 on January 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

What is brass?

Tiwele · 3 points · Posted at 20:11:32 on January 15, 2019 · (Permalink)

The spent casing from a bullet. They're typically made of brass, hence the name.

NewPointOfView · 1 points · Posted at 20:32:12 on January 15, 2019 · (Permalink)

Thanks!

queeniemcbear · 214 points · Posted at 22:30:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my dogs medication.

wallflower7522 · 131 points · Posted at 23:54:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this a couple of months ago. It was bed time, i got her medicine out and popped it in my mouth without thinking. I spit it out and still made her take it.

[deleted] · 11 points · Posted at 01:18:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

wallflower7522 · 14 points · Posted at 01:45:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was just an antibiotic but she was very sick and desperately needed it. Thank god I’ve never accidentally tried to feed the dog one of my meds. That would be bad.

Statistical_Insanity · 3 points · Posted at 08:09:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How is she now?

wallflower7522 · 7 points · Posted at 10:07:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Much better! Didn’t think she was going to make it through honestly, she’s 11, but she made a full recovery.

Statistical_Insanity · 3 points · Posted at 10:36:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad to hear it :) tell her she's a good girl for me

BatteredRose92 · 3 points · Posted at 08:24:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Activated charcoal? I was given that in an ambulance once and I never threw up. Was that supposed to happen?

ShadowWolf2020 · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, it’s supposed to cause some reaction that forces you to throw up. It’s like that gack thing, but activated charcoal is more common.

BatteredRose92 · 1 points · Posted at 21:53:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think they did it wrong then. Because I didn't throw up.

Trigonix · 3 points · Posted at 11:56:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To the dog: „Eat it you slut!“

wallflower7522 · 6 points · Posted at 12:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve said much much worse to her trying to get her to take her medicine.

owwlies · 173 points · Posted at 22:56:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you feeling ruff after?

disturbedrailroader · 23 points · Posted at 23:31:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure he was barking mad.

ReactiveAmoeba · 5 points · Posted at 06:59:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, just dog-tired.

wake_iw · 13 points · Posted at 00:00:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was the leash-t he could expect.

DaveyRulez · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of that episode of Spongebob when he accidentally injected himself with the syringe that he was going to use on Gary and then he turned into a snail lmao

1plus1equalsgender · 6 points · Posted at 01:19:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After reading this comment, I instinctually chucked my phone across my room.

NovaLoveCrystalCat · 8 points · Posted at 00:01:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Daaaaaaad!!

BladeGustVexilloBall · 2 points · Posted at 04:50:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
MozartTheCat · 7 points · Posted at 01:28:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Ugh. I used to take adderall every morning and unisom sleepgels every night.

One morning after a late night I got up, turned off my alarm, and immediately popped two sleepgels. I realized what I had done almost immediately and just filled with dread, but I felt like making myself puke it up was overkill. So I just got ready and went to work.

I was working at a call center at the time and halfway through the day I was so tired that in the middle of my greeting spiel, I forgot my name. It was like "thank you for calling AT&T, my name is...." and just like 10 seconds of silence until I remembered my name lol.

Thankfully they ended up sending out the rare email of "there are routing issues so it's going to be slow, first 20 people to respond can leave early" and I got to go home and sleep.

mancybrew · 3 points · Posted at 01:22:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this same thing earlier today, put the dogs eyedrops in my eyes instead of my own :/ fortunately I can still see so nbd

dollarbill1247 · 5 points · Posted at 01:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex and I visited a pharmacy after taking our dog to the vet to fill a script for the dog. We were customers of this pharmacy. We pick up the medication and go home. I start thinking about why we didn't have to pay. I looked at the paperwork and they charged our insurance for the meds, I guess they figured Scout was our child.

SeattleBrad · 2 points · Posted at 07:27:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, I did this. It was estrogen. I’m a dude. The jokes write themselves.

Montana_Red · 2 points · Posted at 18:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandma did this. Didn't want to tell anyone, so she just sat on the sofa white knuckling it in case there were any effects.

s0laris0 · 2 points · Posted at 06:11:00 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

a family friend did this once. her dog was on either dewormers or flea meds. we were on vacation and she took the dewormers instead of giving it to her dog. cue her freaking out late in the evening calling her doctor 600 miles away wondering if she'd be okay, it was kinda hilarious

serjsomi · 1 points · Posted at 17:18:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this. I always remember my dogs but often forget my own, so I started doing them at the same time. Cue me taking hers and seeing mine still on the counter. My boyfriend was ready to take me to the hospital (he never takes more than an aspirin once in a blue moon), his daughter and I we're laughing with tears running down our faces. I assured him a thyroid pill would not kill me.

IneffableSounds · 102 points · Posted at 22:34:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I catch myself at any OTHER retail store zoning/fixing up the place and occasionally saying "Welcome To Staples!" instead of "Hey how's it going" when I go to pay for my items. It can be at a gas station convenience store or Walmart and I'll fucking automatically fix something that's out of place.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 16 points · Posted at 22:47:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, at least you’re helping. I straighten displays automatically but I don’t work in retail I just like neatness lmao. Reminds me of when I was still in school, studying childcare. I was so well trained that a baby would come on tv and I would automatically smile at it to make it feel more comfortable.

banditranger · 10 points · Posted at 01:03:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is really sweet! I know others have said it... /u/ItsaHelen you seem like a genuinely nice and awesome person!!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:29:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband had never had a retail job but always automatically zoned places.

So then he got a stocker job.

Shad0wFa1c0n · 1 points · Posted at 10:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It took me 3 years to stop staging products in other stores after working at Walmart

earthgirl225 · 1 points · Posted at 18:12:27 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zoning hasn't gone away after 18 yrs. I'm doomed at this point.

jazwch01 · 104 points · Posted at 22:48:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife and I were staying with friends for an extended time and my wifes car was in the garage and mine was behind her. She works from home, and I drive in, so it makes sense. I also have the only garage opener. Well, she had a Dr. appt one day in the morning so we were both going to leave together and I would close the door after she left. Well, I got into my car and just shut the door on her and left like I always do. She was piiisssssed. Luckily, she wasn't moving and nothing was damaged. She ended up having to get out of her car and open the garage, back out, then do the whole smack the button run-duck-jump over the laser deal to close the garage.

damididit · 105 points · Posted at 23:33:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid (maybe 8ish), one time in the middle of dinner my mom reminded me I needed to feed the cat. I went to scoop his dry food for him but apparently zoned out and some time later caught myself eating dry cat food. It was so bizarre I've never mentioned it to anyone. Don't eat cat food btw, not very tasty.

KindlyKangaroo · 10 points · Posted at 07:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it helps, my siblings and I willingly ate dog treats when we were kids. They were vanilla flavored and tasted like regular cookies, at least to us kids, so we'd sit with my dog and all share a box. Which is arguably worse.

-bryden- · 106 points · Posted at 01:03:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night my wife asked me to refill the toilet paper in the washroom so I brought a fresh roll of it over to her sitting on the couch like it was a hot cup of tea.

gbeans27 · 2 points · Posted at 05:47:42 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

“fresh roll”

comrade_julie · 2349 points · Posted at 22:07:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really high and paranoid, my friend was leaving my apartmemt. He said something along the lines of "alright, later on dude!" and I didn't feel capable so I did a weird circular motion with my arms, snapped both fingers into finger guns at him then winked.

WHY

Shraker · 503 points · Posted at 23:13:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

God this is as great as the “Zoop”

dontevendare · 178 points · Posted at 00:34:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👉😎👉 Zoop!

comrade_julie · 59 points · Posted at 00:00:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha holy shit I hadn't seen that post until your response prompted me to google it, wow

[deleted] · 76 points · Posted at 00:38:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👈😎👉 Zoop


Side note: That was the first meme I ever saw being born on Reddit.

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 01:55:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m out of the loop what is a zoop?

keemhs · 44 points · Posted at 02:00:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was an askreddit thread about awkward things people have done, and one was about someone who did double finger guns at a friend and said "Zoop". It became a bit of a meme on Reddit afterwards. Can't find the thread right now

Dan_de_lyon · 8 points · Posted at 09:40:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not a friend, their boss

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 09:54:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Pancernywiatrak · 6 points · Posted at 01:56:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here

TheHurdleDude · 40 points · Posted at 01:58:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
ellismai · 12 points · Posted at 05:43:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love that the fourth comment says “Hello future people trying to figure out why zoop is a thing.”

[deleted] · 19 points · Posted at 02:11:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit this was a year ago? I remember seeing this on the original thread and liking each comment. No way has it been a year

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 03:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg right? I upvoted that bastard with my old account.

Pancernywiatrak · 11 points · Posted at 01:59:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you, very cool

KingdomOfRyan · 5 points · Posted at 06:26:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The zoop?

Shraker · 8 points · Posted at 06:56:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
🎙️ ItsaHelen · 533 points · Posted at 22:21:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh NO

What did he say in return? Or did you just walk out?

comrade_julie · 599 points · Posted at 23:10:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

He just died laughing and peaced out, he's seen worse from me

DeepBreathing4Me · 88 points · Posted at 22:44:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't read this without laughing. I keep trying, but I can't do it.

comrade_julie · 23 points · Posted at 23:09:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad you enjoy it! His reaction was dying laughing as he left, choking back tears

HappyLittleRadishes · 7 points · Posted at 23:51:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't read this without doing it

LaverniusTucker · 74 points · Posted at 23:15:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zoop

[deleted] · 22 points · Posted at 00:34:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👉😉👉

Pinkamenarchy · 18 points · Posted at 01:14:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👇🙂👇 👈🙂👈 👆🙂👆 👉😉👉

Twerty3 · 4 points · Posted at 01:09:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zing

Floognoodle · 5 points · Posted at 02:06:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👉😎👉👉

Helpmetoo · 16 points · Posted at 23:24:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dunno, sounds pretty cool.

ignskillz · 12 points · Posted at 01:09:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👉😎👉 Zoop!

virgin_screwdriver · 11 points · Posted at 22:50:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would have paid to see that.

Desembler · 9 points · Posted at 01:41:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this sort of thing for real so I guess I'm just an awkward loser.

comrade_julie · 7 points · Posted at 01:44:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, i'm sure you're a cool cat. I've been awkward my whole life now, i just embrace it and laugh at it now.

Desembler · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No I'm pretty sure I am an awkward loser. my only friends are my roommates.

Endermiss · 9 points · Posted at 01:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn't feel capable

Oh man, I've been that baked. I hear you. It's gonna be okay.

thegreygandalf · 7 points · Posted at 00:04:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

you did the revolver ocelot

chitowntopugetsound · 9 points · Posted at 01:12:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep the wink really took that over the top

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 00:39:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👈😉👈

Kareful-kay · 6 points · Posted at 01:09:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zoop!

Shad0wFa1c0n · 6 points · Posted at 10:08:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother was once so baked he forgot the words for walking on your toes.. Tip Toe. He asked me if I "Stip Stepped my way into the room"

Edit: Spelling is hard

comrade_julie · 1 points · Posted at 13:43:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's fucking brilliant ahahahaha

twenafeesh · 6 points · Posted at 01:27:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is like something out of I Love You Man.

BareNuckleBoxingBear · 6 points · Posted at 05:49:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was younger I was a wee bit drunk and got stoned with some friends, one of the guys asked how I was feeling I just looked at my watch and said "Its about three o'clock" thinking they asked for the time. It wasn't even close to three...

Death_To_Your_Family · 3 points · Posted at 05:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Weed does this to me. I remember I was in the middle of telling a story to a friend at her house when the weed hit me with a bunch of paranoia. I just stopped talking abruptly. She's looking at me questioningly and I just said I had to go home and I left. When I got home, I hid under my covers until I fell asleep.

comrade_julie · 4 points · Posted at 14:34:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww that's the worst, nothing worse than vibes so bad you gotta sleep 'em away.

P0sitive_Outlook · 7 points · Posted at 04:03:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a British TV show called The Undatables, and it's about folk with physical and mental disabilities or atypicalness who get paired up by this agency. My buddy was on it a few series back.

Last night's episode, they had this woman with a mental condition which meant she had learning difficulties and couldn't read or write or count properly. Otherwise perfectly normal. Nothing in the way she spoke or acted eluded to her disability. She was looking at tops in her wardrobe with her sister, getting ready to see this chap. She said "I like this shirt. It says [text] :)". Her sister, off camera, said "It says [totally different text]". -"Oh right.". In the next shot, the woman's wearing the shirt and looks in the mirror. Her sister, off camera, said "Did you just wink at yourself in the mirror?" -"Oh, yeah :)".

I want to meet someone who winks at themselves in the mirror or greets me with a weird circular motion with their hands and snaps both fingers into finger guns and winks. XD

comrade_julie · 3 points · Posted at 14:38:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh fuck, yeah that sounds like me. I take meds for social / general anxiety (among other things), and laughing off the awkward shit I do really helps me sleep at night. I just accept that I'm a bit odd.

P0sitive_Outlook · 2 points · Posted at 18:22:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

(☞゚ヮ゚)☞

floatingwithobrien · 5 points · Posted at 01:34:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zoop 👉😎👉

OBtriceKenOB · 3 points · Posted at 03:04:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You sound like a legend.

aHecc · 2 points · Posted at 05:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am legitimately crying laughing at this

forceez · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jacson?

comrade_julie · 2 points · Posted at 14:35:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nope! Is that the name of my soul brother?

northrupthebandgeek · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you a Sim?

dontworrybehappy1997 · 829 points · Posted at 21:35:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night in my sleep I jumped out of bed screaming because I thought there was a spider. There was no spider but I definitely scared my boyfriend.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 137 points · Posted at 21:46:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Why did you think there was a spider? Was it a dream?

Reminds me of the time my mum was drunk and she’d just gotten into bed, when she saw this tiny spider. She immediately jumped out of bed and sobered up within like 3 seconds.

dontworrybehappy1997 · 66 points · Posted at 22:11:39 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t remember at all! I assume there was a dream or maybe my hair tickled me! The worst thing is my boyfriend is scared of spiders too so wouldn’t have been any help if there was one!

Spiders, the cure for drinking too much!

ecodesiac · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you're drinking a lot might be a bit of the d.t.s setting in. Careful about that.

dontworrybehappy1997 · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha thanks but I don’t drink!

ionlypostdrunkaf · 1 points · Posted at 10:34:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm confused, do you drink too much or do you not drink? How do spiders affect your drinking habits?

SevenSirensSinging · 1 points · Posted at 13:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think you're mixing two replies. OP said they had a dream or something to get an imaginary spider. Another reply said their mom got drunk and saw a real spider :)

ionlypostdrunkaf · 1 points · Posted at 17:32:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, right. I apparently skipped over that message for some reason. Now it all makes sense.

dontworrybehappy1997 · 1 points · Posted at 18:18:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Phewwww I’m not longer coming across as an in denial alcoholic!

shhh_its_me · 7 points · Posted at 00:48:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't see without my glasses and have long hair, sometimes there are "hairspiders" that fall off laundry, I have run screaming from hairballs more times then I will admit.

Can_I_Read · 24 points · Posted at 23:44:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had this happen before, I slapped myself in the face and went crazy punching the sheets... only in the aftermath I found the bits and pieces of a giant house centipede. I’d rather believe I had made it up.

HJMW08 · 15 points · Posted at 00:40:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im in bed right now, thank you for the discomfort

actively_nic · 8 points · Posted at 01:08:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have night terrors which 99% of the time involve spiders (Australia has so many 😩). Apparently I look and act as though I’m awake when I’m having these nightmares so the first time my now husband experienced me having one he freaked out that there was a huge spider somewhere and was trying to find it to calm me down. He soon realised I was asleep and having a night terror. Probably should’ve warned him that I get night terrors before he started staying over 😹

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:02:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of a time I thought a mouse was in my bed. I started smacking the shit out of it. Then my husband started yelling...I was smacking the shit out of his head and grabbing at hair.

angelofthemorning4 · 3 points · Posted at 00:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens to me a lot. It's a combination of sleep walking and sleep paralysis, for me anyway. I've seen small things like spiders and worse things like someone standing over my bed when nobody was actually there. Weirdest one was I thought I saw a mouse in a mouse trap crawling along our wall. But yeah you aren't alone! This happens to me maybe three nights a week and it's a heart attack every time!

Unismurfsity · 7 points · Posted at 03:25:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I only ever see like millions of spiders, everywhere. Covering my entire room. I don’t realize it’s not real until I’ve jumped out of bed and ran down the hallway. Just gotta get that adrenaline pumping at 4am yanno it’s good for you.

throwawaygayguy32 · 3 points · Posted at 03:17:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As the reverse, one night i woke up to a big ass spider on my arm. I mean like, several inches long, almost as big as my palm. I sat up, said, "oh well thats okay", and walked to the bathroom and calmly picked it off and flushed it down to toilet. I didnt realize what had happened until after i had snuggled back into my bed, at which point i promptly started screaming and flinging my blankets around to look for more spiders.

P0sitive_Outlook · 3 points · Posted at 03:54:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a dream that my neighbour was being beat up, and i ran up and kicked an assailant in the balls.

At that moment, i woke up in pain as i'd toe-punted the wall beside my bed.

roskov · 3 points · Posted at 03:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve jumped out of bed to phantom alarm clock sounds. Then I wander around the bedroom for a minute trying to figure out where I am, check the time, collapse back into bed.

rnykal · 3 points · Posted at 06:49:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

reminds me of that spongebob episode

syryquil · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
redditkeliye · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was the spider quite large and hovering just a hands distance above you?

KingdomOfRyan · 1 points · Posted at 06:31:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you KNOW there wasn’t a spider?

dontworrybehappy1997 · 1 points · Posted at 08:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I definitely don’t know! But I was half asleep so was easily convinced!

crux555 · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this too! It was really hard to fall back asleep

runnyc10 · 1 points · Posted at 09:24:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when we were in Costa Rica, my husband woke up and started searching around the room. I asked him what they hell he was doing and he said “I think there’s a monkey in the room, but I don’t know where.” I just said “ok” and went back to sleep. That was two years ago and it still gives us the giggles.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that once when I was a kid and sharing bunk beds with my little sister. I thought I saw some sort of mega tarantula and somehow managed to jump out of bed and climb down the ladder before I fully woke up and realised what I was doing. She was extremely confused.

RectangularRadish · 1 points · Posted at 15:01:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my god. I did something similar once. Middle of the night, peacefully asleep until I dreamt that hundreds of spiders were coming onto my bed through the wall right beside my head. Literally jumped over my husband and out of bed, started screaming and crying, turned the lights on, ripped the blanket off, all the commotion got our dog barking and growling. Needless to say there were no spiders in our bed, but there was one very grumpy husband. Hahaha whoops! Still makes fun of me for that.

iDamix · 98 points · Posted at 23:31:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back before cell phones, my high school had a bank of pay phones.

I don’t even remember why, but I had to make a call during the day and I guess they shut them off during school hours.

So I go pick up a phone and a message plays “calling is currently disabled, dial 911 for...”

At this point I was on autopilot and thought dial 911 to get out of the school and then dial the number you need.

So I dial 911, then start typing the number I wanted to call when I hear “911 what’s your emergency”

Still took a solid minute for me to process as I’m just saying uhhhhhh into the the phone. Finally clicks and I hang up the phone is a panic and walk away.

Called to the principal’s office later as they had dispatched a unit and then looked at a video that obviously showed me calling.

Had to explain that I was too stupid to remember that 911 was for emergencies, not to dial out of the school.

VixenRoss · 194 points · Posted at 23:33:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sleep deprived with my little one. My then 7 year old woke me up for something like a drink or some random funny thing. I immediately pull up my top and try to breastfeed him. (I was on zombie auto pilot due to cluster feeding). Get woken up by a “ewwwww mum no!”

butterflydeflect · 58 points · Posted at 00:54:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

to be fair, he asked for a drink

RaggySparra · 26 points · Posted at 00:31:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm betting he didn't wake you up again after that.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I predict lots and lots of therapy for him in future :)

Heyitsdee · 93 points · Posted at 01:06:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom drove through the drop off line at school to drop off my little brother. She waited in a line about 10 cars deep and then just drove away. When we were almost to the school where I get dropped off, I asked her why my brother wasn’t going to school today. She said she dropped him off and then my brother speaks up “I’m right here, mom”. Needless to say, she drove by but never stopped for him to get off. Hard face palm.

Intrin_sick · 261 points · Posted at 22:23:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boot camp, Chicago in January. Wearing almost every type of clothing issued to stave off the wind chill at 4am. Marching to breakfast, formation executes a left turn. I am on the far right side of the formation, paving my own path straight ahead. That was NOT my last time falling asleep while marching in formation, but was surely my most memorable.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 97 points · Posted at 22:36:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you fall asleep while marching? And continue marching?

ChaiTRex · 30 points · Posted at 22:55:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

People can sleepwalk.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 30 points · Posted at 22:58:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I forgot about sleepwalking. But still, falling asleep while walking?

[deleted] · 64 points · Posted at 23:08:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

dollarbill1247 · 22 points · Posted at 01:45:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I never fell asleep marching, but something about being in a warm classroom while the Drill Sergeant is droning on about some boring topic, makes me start doing the snooze monster bob. Luckily, I had the sense to get up and stand at the back of the room. I can't count the amount of times I would wake up on way to the floor. Example

SammyTheKlam · 10 points · Posted at 05:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Super easy to do during boot camp. My brain usually woke up in the chow line.

Dappershire · 2 points · Posted at 13:31:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuck...lucky. You got to remember chow? I'd wake up on the pull up bar outside of chow, being screamed at for only doing two, then hanging there.

Intrin_sick · 14 points · Posted at 01:31:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fatigue can really screw you up.

credd707 · 5 points · Posted at 08:13:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's surprisingly easy; everything's super rhythmic. You kinda settle into your pace and after a couple weeks you don't even wake up when they make calls, just when you hear the words "fall out," or "columns and files from the left."

I_Makes_tuff · 11 points · Posted at 03:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar in exactly the same place. I don't miss Great Lakes.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 19:14:04 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yup I did too, November/December of ‘97. Never been so tired in my life. Definitely mastered the march while napping ability.

Fiiinch · 5 points · Posted at 05:58:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty sure I hallucinated through the first five weeks

credd707 · 3 points · Posted at 08:08:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, isn't it amazing how that first 50 hours without sleep will make that freezing rain/hail on your face so strangely cozy? Like, it's such a huge contrast that it makes all those layers feel so warm... Like a blanket...

... Until your RDC halts the formation because people can't STAY THE FR*CK IN STEP and then you get beat for 40 minutes after hygeine

Ah, the good ol' days

nylyst · 2 points · Posted at 18:50:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So glad I'm not the only one. Lots of great sleep/lack of sleep stories from boot.

Fell asleep several times marching in ranks, first time before heading out to chow, port watch heads out, I'm starboard and completely asleep, took several attempts to get off the grinder and quite a few ass chewings.

About a week later, again heading to chow, we're almost there and I'm struggling to stay awake. Next thing I know I've walked right into the back of the dude in front of me and set off a domino effect all the way to the front of ranks!

bathroom_touch · 254 points · Posted at 23:19:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving and answered a call where I was told to do something when I got home so my mind was like “okay roger that” and just strong armed the gear into park while going 35 mph... the transmission is still rockin somehow

Zamanry · 16 points · Posted at 05:35:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am impressed.

ZekeLukaBennGallo · 11 points · Posted at 10:27:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol your mind’s like, “when i get home I put ‘er in park, so if i put ‘er in park i’ll be home? genius!”

Bentrigger · 22 points · Posted at 07:27:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

These posts are killing me 😂 have been laughing for the past 20 minutes and this one just broke me lmfao

Dork_confirmed · 3 points · Posted at 12:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay good it's not just me in hysterics over these posts

sadcoffeewitch · 86 points · Posted at 22:16:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

if i'm at work and i go from working the drive thru to the front when people walk in i automatically say "hi thank you for choosing ______! this is OP speaking. can i start you off with ______?" in my fake drive thru voice. they get really confused.

StarkxRocker · 3 points · Posted at 04:17:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was always in the drive-thru. I would answer my phone with the greeting.

[deleted] · 91 points · Posted at 01:00:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

serjsomi · 1 points · Posted at 19:59:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good for you!

Lowborn774 · 249 points · Posted at 23:18:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was getting glasses and i had a voucher from work for a hundred dollars off. The lady asked for the voucher and as I handed it to her, I said "key ya" like i was going to karate chop her.

lipusal · 12 points · Posted at 01:30:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bahahahaha how does that happen? I'm guessing you were taking classes but it'd be even funnier if you weren't

Edit: Or it was from work, I guess I also asked on autopilot

Lowborn774 · 21 points · Posted at 01:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually neither. I was just there with my wife talking to her And decided to make a karate chopping noise while handing her the voucher

lipusal · 11 points · Posted at 01:55:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would've given you an extra discount for dramatic effect

OnlyAnotherEmily · 5 points · Posted at 08:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So it wasn't really autopilot, per se, you're just a little eccentric, eh?

Lowborn774 · 4 points · Posted at 13:04:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More like wasnt paying attention to the employee

Joshuak47 · 3 points · Posted at 09:28:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Inside you is a karate master on autopilot! ....?

NoseBlind2 · 708 points · Posted at 21:29:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ran a red light but it turned green halfway through the intersection so I'm good I guess?

nishay · 330 points · Posted at 22:30:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

If there was a red light camera, it begs to differ.

NoseBlind2 · 27 points · Posted at 23:05:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah I would've been ticketed by now

[deleted] · 47 points · Posted at 00:23:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes officer, this comment right here

PMME_UR_DANKEST_MEME · 6 points · Posted at 01:05:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just like the meteor man, judging by the hole in that picture of a satellite

Osric250 · 2 points · Posted at 02:17:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Luckily those are illegal in a lot of places.

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 00:53:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got that beat.

I once stopped at a red light and just.. treated it like a 4-way. Stopped, looked both ways, and just.. went. Half way through the intersection, I'm just like "wtf am I doing!?" Look in the rearview mirror to see.. a cop. Directly behind me. I just go nice and slow, knowing I'm boned, and about to get a ticket..

Nope. After about 50-75 feet past the light, I just.. speed up and ho home.

holyshithestall · 3 points · Posted at 02:32:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly spirit of the law wise, as long as you can actually see that no one is coming, you came to a complete stop, and gave yourself enough time to really see that an intersection is clear only a dick is gonna give you a ticket for going through it.

Unismurfsity · 2 points · Posted at 03:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lmao I was driving the other day with my boyfriend and I just started braking at a green light and he was like “what are you doing?????”

I was paying attention to the train arms going down way ahead of us instead of what was in front of my face.

LeaAnne94 · 1 points · Posted at 03:04:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once ran a red turning left because the other light switched to green and I thought it was mine. Didn't realize until my friend pointed it out. Thankfully it was 10pm and no one was on the road.

xDestx · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

just got unlucky thinking I could make it throw a yellow light. turned red just as I was crossing the stop line :( (got a ticket)

RibbetRabbitManiac · 167 points · Posted at 01:02:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg, I'm reading through these and cackling like a manic hyena.

So, I was reading this REALLY GOOD book (I forget what book it was) and had to leave it to go get a snack. I came back (on autopilot) and proceeded to open up my phone, launch Netflix, and look for the series I had been watching. I was so confused when I couldn' t find it on my "current shows" list. It took me a minute before I realized I'd been looking for a book... in Netflix.

That's how fantastic the imagery and details were!

Monkey_Climber · 12 points · Posted at 05:59:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don’t leave us hanging. What’s the book

gtfohbitchass · 7 points · Posted at 04:21:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remember. Now.

RibbetRabbitManiac · 3 points · Posted at 15:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really wish I could! It was probably Harry Potter or something by Neal Shusterman. Not sure though.

whynotjoin · 4 points · Posted at 05:39:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this a lot when reading in general. Did it all the time with the Harry Potter books when they first came out, and still do it quite a bit with the Dresden Files.

kkatiee0406 · 984 points · Posted at 21:35:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I talk to adults like I talk to my dogs all the time. I use a baby voice towards grown adults. My baby voice is very condescending apparently.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 435 points · Posted at 21:44:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s so funny I sometimes find myself doing this with children. Especially my niece/nephews when I’m trying to distract them away from something. Like “oh what’s granny got? Go see what granny’s got, off you go, what granny got!” Like I say to my dog when I’m trying to get him to stop crushing people with his 40kg of love.

kkatiee0406 · 50 points · Posted at 21:48:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha! Yes. I also use the term “balls” to refer to my eyeballs and “bells” when talking about my ear (bells); I say “lutton” to shorten “belly button,” and I often say these things around people who don’t know I have my own language. Hahaha and saying them in a baby voice has to be so weird to hear. Like, “Ahh, that’s so loud! My bells!” Or “God, my balls hurt from the sun.” ...in a “oooo good boy, come get treats, I lub you baby puppins” type of voice.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 35 points · Posted at 22:12:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s so cute! I love that. How did you get bells from ear though?

[deleted] · 93 points · Posted at 22:39:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

tinnitus

Rommie557 · 15 points · Posted at 22:46:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Take my up vote, dammit.

iAmSpAKkaHearMeROAR · 3 points · Posted at 12:31:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So short n sweet ... I love it... even though I nearly ruined my blanket with my coffee, lol!

Adelmagne · 5 points · Posted at 23:24:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)
odactylus · 9 points · Posted at 00:58:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not sure if this is better or worse than not knowing how to talk to kids so just completely talking to them like mini adults and trying not to swear every other word. Don't have family anywhere nearby, friends (fortunately) don't have kids yet, and I just haven't been around them except for life-guarding (and yes, I still yell at people for running by any pool or diving where it's too shallow even though that was several years ago).

dastumer · 11 points · Posted at 02:14:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a former kid, please don’t use a “kid voice” or whatever, just talk to them more like an equal. I HATED it when adults spoke to me like that, as I felt they could never take me seriously. Even worse when I hit my teens and adults who had no idea how to talk to kids still used that kid voice on me. A kid will probably like you more if you talk to them as you would anyone else, without the swearing obviously.

kkatiee0406 · 1 points · Posted at 20:18:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a former kid.

Hahahaha.

dedit8 · 3 points · Posted at 01:21:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww, you got any pics of him?

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 13:22:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do! How to I post them here? Once never posted a pic to a reddit comment before.

dedit8 · 2 points · Posted at 13:50:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't remember how to do it on Desktop but you can use Imgur to upload the files. Lemme know if you have any trouble.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 13:51:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m on the app if that helps.

I’ll give it a go

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 14:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

https://imgur.com/gallery/EMd0C5c

This is him with my cat, Khaleesi when they were just starting to become friends.

dedit8 · 3 points · Posted at 17:40:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

AWW! CHUNKY DOGGO AND SMOL CAT!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:32 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)*

They’re very cute together, although it took me a couple days to get them used to each other. I have a picture somewhere of Khaleesi, 8 or 9 weeks old, falling asleep in front of Bailey a couple days after she met him and he was still wary of her. I’ll see if I can find it and post it here.

Edit: I found it! Also includes bonus pic https://imgur.com/gallery/4dgwcfT

dedit8 · 2 points · Posted at 02:59:13 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aww, thanks. They are very cute.

BurnieTheBrony · 16 points · Posted at 23:55:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Since getting a cat I've tried to communicate when he does something bad like suddenly bite me that that's not ok by meowing angrily at him.

This has had the unintended side effect that when I am frustrated or surprised, I meow now.

I'm a crazy person.

Smauler · 3 points · Posted at 02:20:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heh, I talk to my cats. I generally just imitate them though, like "Mow. Mow mow mow mow? Mow mow mow. Mow mow mow mow mow?" Usually they're just telling me that they've run out of food.

My dogs I use human words with though.... though saying that, they're sometimes odd human words. Bup bup means get out of the way, gratis means they're allowed to eat. I'm English.

forceez · 2 points · Posted at 05:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The mental imagery is hilarious.

Alutus · 8 points · Posted at 23:09:55 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apparently I talk to babies exactly how I talk to my dog. It's not baby talk but it's...how to explain... Very positive/upbeat tonality? regardless of me feeling shit or not, I use the upbeat/happy voice with dogs and babies.

CrabbyBabby · 9 points · Posted at 00:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dog likes to spoon and to wake him up I'll start rubbing his belly rapidly and go "who's a good boy!? makes kissy noises"

One morning I had woken up before my bf and was groggy. He was facing away from me and I wrapped my arm around him and started rapidly rubbing his belly and going "whos a good boy? kissy noises whos a good boy!". He just slowly turned over to look at me like this -> ಠ_ಠ

wallflower7522 · 7 points · Posted at 23:45:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I catch myself talking to kids like I talk to my dog. “Good boy nephew! Want a great!!?”

Dork_confirmed · 5 points · Posted at 13:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my boss's shares my cats name... I gave her a "Jess-Jess noooooo" when she did something mildly silly at work. She responded with "that was your cat voice wasn't it?"

MadicalEthics · 3 points · Posted at 23:31:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've just started a (very) full-time job working with learning disabled adults.

Here's hoping my children's TV presenter voice doesn't bleed into my everyday communication or I'm gonna be even more socially inept than I am now!

Screaming_Potatoes · 3 points · Posted at 00:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom speaks to me like this and I had to tell her to stop because I felt really disrespected

3-DMan · 3 points · Posted at 01:32:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Who's a big boy?! Who knows how to talk?!". "You're fired." "Shit."

portatardis · 3 points · Posted at 03:59:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with parrots and talk very enthusiastically and high pitched to them. Sometimes I answer the phone or great customers like that too. Oops

NewDayTomorrough · 3 points · Posted at 17:54:20 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brought my service dog in training to starbucks for the first time yesterday. She was settled and I asked a lady to pick up my drink for me. Her husband handed it to me and I said, "oooohhhh, Thank Youoooooo" in my dog voice.

drumstyx · 2 points · Posted at 00:28:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I talked to my new baby nephew like my dog once this summer. I don't actually know if anyone noticed, but for the rest of the day I had to be hypervigilant about the way I talked.

To be clear, I don't just mean the cutesy voice, I mean like "who's a good boy".

whirlpool4 · 2 points · Posted at 00:53:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tutor math on weekends and accidentally said, "alright, buddy, have a good day," to one of my high school SAT students, because that's how I talk to my dog

EmpressFox6 · 2 points · Posted at 02:29:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao ! I did dig boarding and grooming for 8 yrs ! My best friend had to point this out to me because I kept telling him what a good boy he was . I also apparently used my trainers voice when i got mad ! Hahaha 🤣 My friend says he misses the head scratches though!

neva-electra · 2 points · Posted at 02:48:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll try to call children like i call my cats. Kissy noises and ntntntnt!

lirgecaps · 2 points · Posted at 03:37:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some reason I do this with waiters. I have a cat who has skin problems, and I’m always asking her “are yoooou oooooookay? Oooooookay...” In a little baby voice. When the waiter comes to check on us I go “we’re oooooookay” in the same tone of voice.

AbsentThatDay · 82 points · Posted at 01:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to pick up my prom date, I had a cassette tape rewinding, and the car was stopped at a red light. The cassette tape finished rewinding with a loud click, and for some reason my brain interpreted that as a green light. I drove right through a busy intersection, it was a miracle I didn't get t-boned.

tatzecom · 1 points · Posted at 10:04:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG what? Wh- Ho- what?

I mean, it's not like I ran red lights because I was on autopilot and in many of the songs I hear there is a loud something when the drop comes, me interpreting it as "go you're good" and just starting to drive onto the intersection, luckily it's always late at night/early in the morning so there's almost not traffic

AbsentThatDay · 2 points · Posted at 16:20:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was crossing a four-lane road too, it could have been bad.

tatzecom · 3 points · Posted at 17:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ouch, that could've ended in a totaled car and a prolly severely injured AbsentThatDay

Username checks out tho

CFOF · 81 points · Posted at 00:41:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a single parent of a toddler, I often ran on auto pilot and fumes. I was a full time college student and had a job as well. My first date, 2 years after a divorce, I went around and held my date's seat belt as he got in, and started to fasten it before I caught myself. He didn't invite me out again. This was over 30 years ago. I'm still embarrassed.

skaaly6 · 10 points · Posted at 00:43:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this on a few occasions. Single forever type behavior. Woof.

Dracarys_Bitch · 77 points · Posted at 23:29:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my turn signal on when I saw a sharp turn was coming up ahead on the road.

Waiting behind someone at a stop sign, and when they went, I also drove forward because my brain was like “oh the light must be green”. The honking and very confused faces of the other stop sign drivers snapped me back to reality and I felt real dumb.

Kathri_Shiopan · 5 points · Posted at 02:46:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done that too and every time I drive through that intersection I hope nobody recognizes me (I have a unique enough vehicle and drive through approximately same time every day). Yikes. Still haunts me bc I'm usually very vigilant.

Nebulae_Divinity · 78 points · Posted at 00:10:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to toss my phone on the bed (quite violently) and sit my chip bowl on the dresser. Threw the chips instead. Man was that a mess to clean up.

walrusnutz · 282 points · Posted at 22:48:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 5 or 6, and I was sitting in church basically bored out of my mind. The pastor said something than made many people throughout the church give an “amen”. Right when they were all about done saying it, I let a really loud and drawn out “aaaaammmmmmmmeeeeeennnnnn!” The tone I said it in made it clear that I was just bored and ready to get the hell out of there. I didn’t realize I had done it until I was done saying it. The whole church of about 200 or 300 people had a nice little laugh at that one.

jordyKbell · 18 points · Posted at 06:06:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once at the end of a long service, someone ended the closing prayer they were saying and then (in the relative quiet right after a prayer) my two year old loudly announced “WE DID IT!!” It got a good chuckle out of the congregation.

BatteredRose92 · 7 points · Posted at 07:49:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man yours is less embarrassing than mine. I was never able to make my armpit fart. That is until the day I was pretending to do it in church. I got in one very good and loud armpit fart. It never did it again. Thanks, karma.

Kangaroodle · 4 points · Posted at 10:35:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’d never been able to wiggle my ears until one time during a particularly boring Mass. My face lit up and I audibly gasped in the middle of the homily, which earned me a demerit on my merit card.

BatteredRose92 · 2 points · Posted at 14:23:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know what a merit card is, but my ass was whooped so hard it was uncomfortable to sit for a few hours.

Kangaroodle · 2 points · Posted at 01:23:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Merit card = Catholic school bullshit, if you stack up enough demerits (by not tucking in your shirt or something of similarly stupid caliber) you get detention or suspension or whatever. I got punished for detentions so lmao at least I can wiggle my ears now

loversalibi · 6 points · Posted at 07:00:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh my god hahahaha

Zamanry · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good on them! 😂

Koukounaries · 349 points · Posted at 22:17:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was just about to pee in to the Dyson airblade before realising it wasn't the urinal

jqmpqck · 103 points · Posted at 01:14:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

With that fan speed it would get every where and prolly rattle ones dick pretty bad against the sides... I'm guessing it would sound like a wet version of a doorstop spring. Would laugh pretty hard if I saw that. Would be pretty bummed if I did it.

Disc0_Stu · 14 points · Posted at 03:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

like a wet version of a doorstep spring

Thanks, I just burst out laughing while trying to take a drink and poured a glass of water down my face.

jakkofclubs121 · 13 points · Posted at 02:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When the piss hits the fan

Sam_Vimes_AMCW · 1 points · Posted at 23:26:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now I want to try and do this lmao

jqmpqck · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:41 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I imagine Lady Sybil may have something to say about that.

Kennyk11 · 12 points · Posted at 00:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happens to the best of us

whirlpool4 · 12 points · Posted at 01:04:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

golden showers for everyone!

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 02:47:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

SMH I hate it when the bathrooms have these kinds of urinals it gets the piss everywhere

havron · 8 points · Posted at 04:39:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Real talk though, I hate these things. "The most hygienic hand dryer" my ass. They're nearly impossible to use without touching the sides. It's like trying to play Operation where other players might have improperly washed their hands and gotten poop traces on the board.

willpauer · 5 points · Posted at 01:34:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP Gay Hooters

MormonBikeRiding · 5 points · Posted at 02:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no

ThatDudeFromPlaces · 8 points · Posted at 01:34:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this before, twice, there were people in the restroom.

micalina1 · 8 points · Posted at 02:27:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't leave us like this. What happened?

Plague_Girl · 278 points · Posted at 00:29:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my friend. I was sitting in her apartment with her and her boyfriend after they had gotten up at 6am to take a final.

I opened her fridge and there was a bagel just chilling in there, unwrapped. I ask her what's up with the bagel. She turns to her bf and says "I don't know, babe, why is there a bagel in there?"

"You put it in the toaster and didn't turn it on, then took it out and said 'why isn't this thing working,' and put it in the fridge."

WhirlE_ · 72 points · Posted at 00:39:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldn’t find my phone, so I took out my phone and used Find My iPhone to find it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:58:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of looking and looking for my sunglasses. They on top of my head.

[deleted] · 376 points · Posted at 22:19:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I drank some coffee grounds once because my brain was telling me "Shots! Shots!"

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 23 points · Posted at 22:33:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shots? How does that translate into eat this raw coffee? Am I missing something here?

[deleted] · 27 points · Posted at 22:35:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used coffee grounds, as in what remains on the bottom of the cup.

The cup was half filled when I decided to dunk it.

Killerhurtz · 18 points · Posted at 01:30:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm curious as to what coffee-making technique you use that leaves coffee grounds in your coffee.

sonyaellenmann · 3 points · Posted at 02:57:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turkish coffee maybe?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:13:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

instant coffee?

spaektor · 69 points · Posted at 01:00:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

with a lit cigarette in my mouth and a couple bags of groceries, i fumble for my keys and awkwardly get into my apartment. i put everything down without dropping or breaking anything and wonder where my cigarette went. i hear a loud crackling at about the same moment i smell something burning, then violently start smacking myself in the crook of my ear, where i had somehow placed my cigarette.

BatteredRose92 · 7 points · Posted at 08:59:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cigarette related. My old dog once jumped into my mom's lit cigarette face first. The cherry stuck right by his nose. By the time I chased him down I was freaking out. The only thing my brain could think to do was repeatedly slap the poor things face over and over. He was fine. He had long hair (shih tzu) so it didn't burn his skin. He just smelled horrible for a while.

jrm2003 · 66 points · Posted at 01:29:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working as a cashier overnight while taking classes during the day. I would always say the amount I was giving back to the customer when making change (I.e. “and here’s six twenty three”)

I skipped that part one night and as the customer was walking out I opened my mouth to say have a good night, but instead yelled “Four seventeen!”

Guess my brain queue was backed up.

I’ve always wondered if that guy thought I was cryptically warning him about something.

IcyMacaroon · 5 points · Posted at 08:05:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm dying. Omg. Ahahahhahaha.

TurtleMaster06 · 3 points · Posted at 12:40:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

printflour · 2 points · Posted at 15:23:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

cackkkkkliiiing

Julian_007 · 137 points · Posted at 00:09:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went home after work and jumped straight into bed. After 5 minutes of watching the ceiling, I notice with the corner of my eyes that curtains are red and I don't like red. I get up instantly and say to myself "Fu*k, I don't live here anymore ".

I moved out from there a week before the incident and I still had the key as I never had time to go and drop it off. Even after that, I still found myself parking "home" even if I was now living on the other side of town.

Otachi365 · 10 points · Posted at 02:33:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn

jeepsterjk · 8 points · Posted at 02:57:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mhm

BatteredRose92 · 3 points · Posted at 08:34:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's weird the locks weren't changed

BoldlyGone1 · 64 points · Posted at 23:42:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm in a single-person bathroom and someone knocks, I usually say "just a minute!" Once I was the one knocking and the guy inside said, "occupied!" to which I automatically responded "just a minute!" I left in shame to find another bathroom before he came out to see who had given him this ultimatum that he only had a minute left to pee.

IcyMacaroon · 5 points · Posted at 08:18:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left in shame lmaooooo

askmeifimacop · 68 points · Posted at 02:04:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to replace the battery in my car, so I went to autozone to buy a new one. So I’m at the counter with the battery, sleep deprived and not paying attention. The cashier told me about a discount or something if I bring in my dead battery. I say ok, I give them my contact info, and the cashier reads me back my phone number. I look at him confused and say “how did you get my phone number? I’ve never been here before.” He looks at me with a face that says “I’m completely dead inside” and I go on my way. It dawned on me in the parking lot that I did in fact give him my number literally five seconds prior to him reading it to me

chinookwinds · 5 points · Posted at 07:24:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You're not alone! I asked a customer for her phone number yesterday, repeatedly, and she just kept giving me the same 6-digit number (should be 7) while growing increasingly irritated. Pretty sure I did the "dead inside" face too before shrugging, writing it down and hoping the delivery guys wouldn't need to call her.

mydearbrother · 883 points · Posted at 21:37:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Put milk in the pantry and cerial in the fridge. And to answer your question about this, yes.

Edit: I spelled surreal wrong, it's actually spelled cereal.

Who_is_lost · 344 points · Posted at 21:44:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn’t have a question about it, but thank you for answering it anyway.

VirtualMe64 · 701 points · Posted at 22:59:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Will you marry me?

Edit: he said yes!

hardy_ · 89 points · Posted at 23:41:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Congrats x

mydearbrother · 51 points · Posted at 00:12:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks

Abacae · 34 points · Posted at 00:30:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The wedding will have an open bar and everyone's invited?

mydearbrother · 12 points · Posted at 01:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone but Steve is invited. Open bar check.

christhemushroom · 18 points · Posted at 00:09:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hopefully his username doesn't check out.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:46:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Will there be cereal?

PlsDntPMme · 1 points · Posted at 18:45:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really cool username

VirtualMe64 · 1 points · Posted at 18:55:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks :)

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 171 points · Posted at 21:51:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is the question were you high? Or was it morning? If it’s morning, I’ve been there, constantly find myself trying to make cereal only to realise I forgot the bowl.

BOB_Lusifer · 42 points · Posted at 23:06:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes

mydearbrother · 22 points · Posted at 00:11:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stoney bologna

GolfBaller17 · 6 points · Posted at 01:21:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey! That doesn't even rhyme!

mydearbrother · 19 points · Posted at 01:27:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stogna Bologna?

GolfBaller17 · 6 points · Posted at 01:31:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now that's-a more-a like it!

Desembler · 4 points · Posted at 01:55:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's really weird how this is a phrase I'd only ever heard from my mother and now suddenly it's being used by high schoolers unironically.

mydearbrother · 3 points · Posted at 02:47:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If it helps, I'm 29 now.

Spearsy23 · 2 points · Posted at 21:48:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You aged 12 years in a little over two hours?

horsebag · 5 points · Posted at 01:07:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you realize it by pouring cereal and milk on the floor?

mydearbrother · 6 points · Posted at 01:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't be ridiculous, I pour my milk on my head and put the cereal in my shoes like everyone else.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 23:28:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This specific chain of events is often used as an example of dementia's early warning signs, so that's probably what he's talking about.

phyxiusone · 76 points · Posted at 22:09:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to put the cereal in the fridge about 3 days ago and only stopped because it didn't fit.

Graupl · 4 points · Posted at 23:35:14 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I put empty bottles back into the fridge because I just forget

serjsomi · 1 points · Posted at 20:04:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep my cereal in the fridge. I eat it rarely, but like to have it available. It stays fresh forever (probably exaggerating, but I have yet to have it go stale) in the drawer. Works for Mon Cheri chocolates as well.

[deleted] · 13 points · Posted at 22:27:14 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you pouring milk all over your body while dancing to Careless Whisper?

just-a-basic-human · 10 points · Posted at 23:01:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My question was how long did it take you to notice

"yes"

mydearbrother · 5 points · Posted at 00:09:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I never did noticed, I was called out the next day by my family.

Hannachomp · 5 points · Posted at 00:05:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my phone in the freezer one morning. This was a few years ago so I don't remember what I forgot to put in the freezer. I went to work and realized I couldn't find my phone and it wasn't responding to find my phone. Thought I lost it for good until I needed something from the freezer.

mydearbrother · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Perfection.

Biches17 · 3 points · Posted at 23:31:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you gay? Are you homophobic? Dude you make no sense..

MadLibz · 3 points · Posted at 00:57:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cerial.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 22:43:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always do this in the morning when my brain is running on empty. Thought I was the only one lol

ManicScumCat · 2 points · Posted at 00:39:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is your credit card number yes?

flyingwolf · 2 points · Posted at 00:51:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cereal*

mydearbrother · 3 points · Posted at 01:21:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Surreal

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:34:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was it chunky lemon goodness?

B_Hopsky · 2 points · Posted at 02:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done something similar on multiple occasions, put the jelly in the cabinet and peanut butter and bread in the refrigerator when I'm making a PB&J.

jordoonearth · 2 points · Posted at 05:00:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so glad this happens to other people..

This thread is extremely relieving.

HappyLittleRadishes · 2 points · Posted at 23:49:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you thing "You're So Vain" was written about you?

franko1260 · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Good to hear, I expect you to be subscribed to PewDiePie at the close of business today

mydearbrother · 5 points · Posted at 01:23:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm out of the loop on this, and don't want to be in the loop.

horsebag · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My question is was the milk there long enough to go off?

mydearbrother · 2 points · Posted at 01:23:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It spoiled if that's what you mean. My dad found it the next day

iEatzCookiiee · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did you forget about it ?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:38:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was hanging with my brother at his house while my SIL was gone and poured myself some kool aid and apparently put the pitcher of kool aid in the cup cupboard because I got text from my bro a few hours later saying SIL just asked him why the kool aid was in the cupboard.

EndiePT15 · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t know how many times I’ve done this, too many to count

LJIrvine · 1 points · Posted at 13:30:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I catch myself putting my cereal in the fridge like once a week. I'm not a morning person.

7hriv3 · 128 points · Posted at 22:56:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to get a bunch of food out of the fridge with my tv remote in my hand, couldn't grab everything at once so I put the remote down.

Like 2 hours of looking for the remote, my dumbass put it in the butter tray

randomfun1 · 4 points · Posted at 07:21:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this. Retraced my footsteps maybe 3 times before I found it.

teenyweenypeenie · 59 points · Posted at 23:19:12 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I finished a college interview. The representative stood up, we shook hands and he asked “Ashton, right?” and I said “absolutely” out of nature expecting a different question than asking my name. He looked really embarrassed and I felt horrible

frolicking_elephants · 6 points · Posted at 04:40:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't see what's bad about this one.

Caesarinaa · 6 points · Posted at 06:18:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm guessing his name's not Ashton

frolicking_elephants · 3 points · Posted at 06:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well that would indeed explain it

Cup27 · 1 points · Posted at 14:32:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hear this in the voice from the end of Like a Boss

The_Grizz94 · 226 points · Posted at 22:29:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Prevented myself from being in an accident. Driver was about to take a turn too late and I was daydreaming AF while driving and immediately just slammed the brakes and the force of breaking pushed my free arm into the steering wheel causing me to hoot at the asshole driver.

Was split seconds but prevented an accident.

hatkeyhayley · 94 points · Posted at 01:55:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hoot

Soronya · 35 points · Posted at 02:13:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👉🦉👉 Hoot

interdisciplinary_ · 10 points · Posted at 03:53:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Upvote for hoot

The_Grizz94 · 8 points · Posted at 05:52:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol well what do you guys say instead of hoot? Honk ?

interdisciplinary_ · 10 points · Posted at 05:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, but now I will say hoot

The_Grizz94 · 3 points · Posted at 05:56:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honk sounds so cartoonish.

QueenBea_ · 12 points · Posted at 06:05:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have never heard anyone refer to honking at asshole drivers as hooting oh my god lol 😂

lucidrockchick · 2 points · Posted at 09:42:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hoot" I like that.

askyourmom469 · 61 points · Posted at 00:06:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once half asleep early one morning and put toothpaste in my armpit thinking it was deodorant

prplecat · 8 points · Posted at 04:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's better than brushing your teeth with hemorrhoid ointment. Yep. Did that.

phuckman69 · 3 points · Posted at 09:09:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lol i did something similar but with acne cream. Caught myself before i put it in my mouth though.

erial_ck · 5 points · Posted at 01:08:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well at least you would have smelled fresh.

phuckman69 · 3 points · Posted at 09:09:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time i put acne cream on my toothbrush

Satchel3 · 60 points · Posted at 01:07:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get ready for work (shower/ get dressed etc) on autopilot. Left home on the way to subway and realised I didn't rinse the shampoo out of my hair. Went out in public with a bubble afro hairstyle

samfringo · 56 points · Posted at 22:58:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When leaving the train station I would use my ticket to get through the turnstiles and throw it in the bin just outside without thinking about it.

One day when entering the train station to get on a train I used my ticket to get through the turnstiles, again without thinking about it I threw my ticket in the bin. Something clicked and I realised I would need it for the journey. It was pretty awkward reaching into the bin to get it back. As soon as I did strolled to the other end of the platform avoiding eye contact with other travellers from embarrassment.

skdubbs · 3 points · Posted at 23:56:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this more times than I’d like to admit.

I’ve also tried to use my work badge as my metro card a few hundred times then I usually yell at the gate for not working.

N1NJ4W4RR10R_ · 57 points · Posted at 00:22:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to subway, asked for a 6 foot long sub.

m0thwings · 3 points · Posted at 03:12:38 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

used to work there, this happened a couple times. always funny tbh

SeanRoss · 58 points · Posted at 01:01:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled into a gas station, went inside and told the attendant $20 on pump 1, got back in my car and drove home.

Got home and thought, I could swear I just put $20 in this SOB, then quickly realized my mistake.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 09:04:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens at gas stations more often than you think.

SeanRoss · 4 points · Posted at 12:09:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This makes me feel better. I'm not alone

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:11:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some gas stations are hold to hold it for a few days if you do this . We usually write down the make and model and what pump #. Can't speak for all, but it's happens enough that we started doing this at mine.

Skunkies · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:19 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had regulars do this when they came to the station, they would soon realize the mistake and come back, or the mistake I made when I pulled 3 shifts in a row, because other fellow employee's were dicks and called off, preset the wrong pump. and ended up eating the difference on the other pump. ugh. my wallet never liked me on those days.

Rocket_Poop · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:44 on January 14, 2019 · (Permalink)

I almost did that twice. I'd pay, then start the car before realizing.

IronSlanginRed · 55 points · Posted at 22:31:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended up in montana when i was driving from washington to idaho. Wasn't paying attention to the signs, just bullshitting with a buddy and drove an extra half hour too far.

Sligee · 3 points · Posted at 10:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To be fair it's the thin part of idaho

IronSlanginRed · 2 points · Posted at 17:16:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh for sure. I drove straight through on 90 from spokane. It's only an hour or so wide up there.

cropsdevorps · 56 points · Posted at 23:38:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spoiler: Half removed my shirt in front of patient, tried to play it cool.

Several years ago I was working in a clinic doing rehab and Osteopathic manual treatment. I had an appointment with a very nice, mid 30’s milf-type patient.

Anyway, most patients would come to the clinic wearing some sort of exercise clothing under their normal clothing - so rather than use the changing room they would just strip off their outer layer of normal clothes and go straight into their rehab and/or manual treatment.

I was super sleep deprived and had been practicing some Osteopathic techniques with a colleague earlier in the day. And when you practice technique you generally strip off your clothes as it’s easier to work with the spine that way. So I had spent the hour before this lady’s appointment removing my scrub top and practicing some upper back manipulations with a colleague. No big deal, normal stuff.

So - she came in and started to strip off her clothes to reveal leggings and tight sports top... and I started to remove my scrub top too. It was over my head when I realized what I was doing. She quickly glanced at me... and I pretended I was investigating a stain and said ‘oh no! I’m not wearing t-shirt under this!’ And pulled it down quickly. I was fairly slow getting the top on again, as I suddenly became 10x more clumsy that normal.

There was a super heated moment where she blushed and stared at me.

After the session she gave me a big lingering hug. I was in a serious relationship at the time, and she was married... but there was a big spark between us after that.

Carried on working with her for about 3 more months until I left the clinic. She was extra flirty with me after that incident.

In another related incident I fully removed my top once when I was working with an old lady - and stood there topless... until I came to my senses and quickly put it on. Thankfully she was rummaging in her handbag, with her back towards me, at the time. She then turned and offered me a Werther’s Original - with no idea she had nearly caught me topless.

HugeTheWall · 13 points · Posted at 05:45:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't stop laughing at the Werthers

kristykrab · 4 points · Posted at 02:10:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This needs more upvotes.

AhoyPalloi · 51 points · Posted at 02:05:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my first born was still a baby, I poured a Guinness into a sippy cup.

Similarly... One day I opened the lunch my wife had packed me for work, and it was a sandwich and a can of beer. Very weird to look at at noon in a busy office.

Shad0wFa1c0n · 5 points · Posted at 11:02:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have packed my own beer into lunch instead of a soda

Fuckin' whoops

anonima_ · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:59 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the baby drink it?

Onihanta · 146 points · Posted at 23:08:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents: “go run around with your dog”

Me: pick up dog and run around.

RaggySparra · 9 points · Posted at 00:22:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And how did your dog feel about this?

binarycat64 · 7 points · Posted at 02:44:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More importantly, how big was said dog?

BlueRocketMouse · 12 points · Posted at 02:51:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Perhaps most importantly, are there any pictures of said dog?

sonyaellenmann · 14 points · Posted at 03:10:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

DOG TAX DOG TAX DOG TAX

koinu-chan_love · 5 points · Posted at 10:06:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

/u/Onihanta, don’t let us down!

Onihanta · 2 points · Posted at 16:40:27 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)
BlueRocketMouse · 1 points · Posted at 18:19:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

OP delivers! What a beautiful pup

Onihanta · 1 points · Posted at 17:35:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Give me a bit and I’ll upload them!

Onihanta · 1 points · Posted at 17:35:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She’s half mini Australian Shepherd and half Lab! But she was just a pup at the time so maybe 10 pounds?

Onihanta · 2 points · Posted at 17:33:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

She adored it! She loves everyone and everything!

norcalturtle222 · 49 points · Posted at 00:05:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at daycare. Eating a blue popsicle and coloring with blue marker. One in either hand. Mistakes were made.

pwlocke13 · 143 points · Posted at 21:59:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I routinely throw spoons in the trash when making tea. I take out the tea bag, throw it in the trash, add sugar and what not, stir, throw spoon away. Fuck.

smackperfect · 7 points · Posted at 23:17:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seems like it might be worth investing in a box of disposable spoons.

Cyno01 · 15 points · Posted at 00:11:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or the greener option, restaurants have these strong magnetic bars that go over the top of the trash cans to catch any silverware that accidentally gets thrown out.

smackperfect · 7 points · Posted at 00:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s a thing? Hahaha! Amazing.

Cyno01 · 5 points · Posted at 03:43:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, bussers dump out a bin full of garbage and food might miss a utensil wrapped in a napkin or under the sludge or something.

https://cdnimg.webstaurantstore.com/images/products/large/28112/731137.jpg

And if your linen service is really nice theyll send the silverware they find back with next weeks order.

BatteredRose92 · 1 points · Posted at 08:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, I've done that and just let the spoon stay.

SentientLunchBowl · 50 points · Posted at 00:31:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to push up invisible glasses on my nose bridge sometimes...

jaxsjourney · 9 points · Posted at 02:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time and look ultra nerdy because I end up just aggressively poking myself directly between my eyes and then squinting in confusion.

1joshc1 · 4 points · Posted at 02:34:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do the same shit, I’ll be laying in bed and just out of nowhere push my glasses up that are actually across the room on my dresser

CathyMeowAlert · 2 points · Posted at 14:53:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven't worn glasses for three years and find myself doing this now and again!

replies_with_corgi · 49 points · Posted at 22:39:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was drunk and went to check my mail. I went out, got it, and walked back (like 300 feet one way) and only realized as I shut the door that I'd done the whole thing completely naked. Oops.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Then you wonder why neighbors throw one dollar bills

toofpaist · 2 points · Posted at 21:28:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thought it said email..

thebarkingdog · 48 points · Posted at 00:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cop here.

On patrol I used to stop at every intersection I'd come up on. At intersections with Stop signs, not a problem. But then I'd also stop at intersections with lights, including Green Lights.

My partner would yell at me.

Avlonnic2 · 7 points · Posted at 01:04:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so tired once that I realized I had been sitting at a stop sign for a while - waiting for it to turn green.

thebarkingdog · 7 points · Posted at 02:30:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did it turn green?

VenomVip7 · 2 points · Posted at 08:33:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gotten to a call and instantly got out of the car...only for it to move forward cuz I didnt put it in park. Or answer the station phone by '[Badge Number] to (Department Dispatch]'....Yeah, I've done that one a lot.

[deleted] · 46 points · Posted at 03:02:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to class. “But so what?” So I was a commuter at the end of college. Hour and a half train to get there. I’d also have to wake up at 4:30 and get the 5:00 train for my 9am course. This was a day I didn’t have class. I woke up, got ready, drove to the train, bought a ticket, put my music in and got to school. Went to my first class of the day. Sat down. Realized I brought the wrong notebook but whatever. Said hi to the professor. He said hi back. Then looked at me. “Shutruk... it’s January.” “Yes professor?” “It’s spring semester.” “....yes profe—- Oh my god.”

See. I had graduated. I woke up at 4:30am and gone to school and to class completely autopilot AFTER I HAD GRADUATED. No one else knows. Not even my family. I’m legitimately too embarrassed to admit it irl

Beddgelert · 5 points · Posted at 13:28:42 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sad that this one came in so late, because it deserves to be up at the top!

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 21:43:21 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well shucks

[deleted] · 46 points · Posted at 00:10:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At airport security one day I needed to remove my belt and I continued taking off my pants...

Shakespeare1994 · 49 points · Posted at 01:00:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a little background to this story I'm a 23 year old single guy, no kids no dependents, nothing at all tieing me down.

Last week I was at an interview for a job at a local football team (I'm British) the interview was going really well, then they asked me if I follow footvall and who I support. I was honest and said I don't follow football and I actually support the teams arch rivals, as soon as I said this I could see I was losing them. So on the spot without thinking I said "but my 6 year old son follows the albion and I'd be his hero if I managed to get a job here" as soon as I finished the sentence I just thought to myself where the fuck did that come from hahha

Short term it was an amazingly smooth lie to make on the fly but if I had got the job it would have been awful long term. The club is great they let staff and families meet the first team so there would have been a time when they wanted me to bring my non existant 6 year old boy to a team meet and I would either have to borrow a random kid or fake a tragedy

paperligers · 47 points · Posted at 01:02:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was riding a horse and we come to a stop on a fairly steep slope.

I go to put the handbrake on...

thefeline · 48 points · Posted at 01:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove my husband to work and upon parking in the front lot realized he had driven himself that day.

not_tight_butthole · 13 points · Posted at 07:13:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wait, so you got all the way there without realizing he wasn’t in the car with you? That’s incredible lol

thefeline · 9 points · Posted at 12:48:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I mean I knew he wasn’t in the car with me, but we carpooled nearly everyday so when I got to his exit from the highway I exited and pulled into his buildings front lot like normal. Haha!

JordyJoe · 43 points · Posted at 22:36:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a cup of tea, and poured the sugar stick into the bin instead of the tea

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 62 points · Posted at 22:49:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! I kind of accidentally put salt in my tea once. I was at a cafe and I picked up the salt and just kept staring at it going “salt. Salt. Ssssaaaalt. Is that what I want?” For some reason I just could not process what to put in my tea. Got annoyed in the end and just out the salt in, took a sip and realised it it was the wrong one. Compensated with a fuck ton of sugar

JordyJoe · 9 points · Posted at 00:40:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For me, I just stood there contemplating knowing I did something wrong but couldn’t work out what for a good few seconds; I then realised and then laughed it off (I was tired as hell as I did the night shift the previous day)

erial_ck · 3 points · Posted at 00:50:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teabags cost like 9c why wouldn't you just start again?

konieneo · 3 points · Posted at 08:28:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was at a cafe it looks like

aclurk · 42 points · Posted at 00:37:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning I let my dogs out, start brewing coffee, feed the dogs, then get a cup of coffee. One morning my dogs took their sweet time so was at the get coffee step prior to feeding them. This seemingly broke my brain as I poured a cup of coffee then scooped dog food into the cup instead of milk. I realized my mistake instantly, but still felt like a dunce in the moment.

vampirecafeinomane · 43 points · Posted at 00:38:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I Used to work at a taxi company and, while my collegue was telling a joke about ebola, the telephone rang and instead of answering " taxi coop hi " I said " taxi ebola hi".

It seems like the person on the other end didnt notice but man. Everybody in the call center was DYING.

jaxsjourney · 5 points · Posted at 04:57:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is one of my favorites so far. It is more amusing to me because I know I would be the person who wouldn't notice since I have auditory processing disorder. I often hear things completely wrong, so I would assume that it was just me.

whyyounocum · 3 points · Posted at 05:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hope not literally

iwant2dieplz · 89 points · Posted at 00:50:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Say I love you to my teacher and then saying "Sorry mom I thought you were my teacher"

Rustmutt · 9 points · Posted at 07:14:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your username is the perfect reaction for this moment.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 10:23:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My 5 yo accidentally calls me by his teachers name all the time. I'm sure he has called her mom.

[deleted] · 123 points · Posted at 23:17:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Typing an essay at 3 AM at lightning speed, half asleep, barely aware of what I was typing. For some reason, I couldn’t decide on what word to use in a sentence. Instead of deciding, my brain decided to try and type both words at the same time, resulting in both of my hands sending back the human body equivalent of an error message. However, instead of doing nothing, my arms, hands and fingers have a violent spasm, forcing me to bang on my keyboard loudly, waking everybody up.

This happens frequently.

purplelizzard · 26 points · Posted at 02:19:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in college, I wrote a paper on the computer in a computer lab, finished at 1 or 2 am, only to realize this computer wasn’t connected to internet or the printer. I didn’t have a zip-disk or anything to copy it onto, So, I hand-wrote it to re-type it at home to print (it was a major paper that I couldn’t afford to not turn in on time). I was getting really tired, but I made it home safely, and sat on the couch with the laptop on my lap. At some point, I fell asleep and wake up to see that I had finished the whole thing without any errors. Woohoo!

little-cali · 8 points · Posted at 02:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh lord, i just died laughing in my office XD

PM_ME_YOUR_DOGSNCATS · 39 points · Posted at 00:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Panicked about where my car keys were. Whilst sat inside my car. Driving home from work. Yah.

alreadytaken- · 2 points · Posted at 02:01:31 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof. Did that a few times when I got my first job. I'd be halfway there and start panicking that I needed to rush home to get my keys so I could drive home later.

superkneemaster · 87 points · Posted at 22:59:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to decrease (on my speakers) the volume of the birds singing outside.

lnkgeekdad · 3 points · Posted at 15:24:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have tried to adjust the volume on my family members and coworkers more times than I can count. Why isn't this dial working? Oh, right.

TheMemoryofFruit · 2 points · Posted at 12:44:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Birds are too damn loud sometimes.

[deleted] · 83 points · Posted at 00:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have all done this I'm sure. I was looking for my cell phone, while talking on my cell phone. Then I said, "hold on I can't find my phone" and they said, "I know where it is, it's in your hand" I felt dumb.

Noah_the_Bean · 5 points · Posted at 06:53:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same, but when I said, “hold on, I can’t find my phone” he said, “check in your center console”. I guess we were both equally exhausted.

BatteredRose92 · 4 points · Posted at 08:33:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband didn't say a word and my 5 year old had to break it to me...

Kangaroodle · 3 points · Posted at 12:43:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this with my glasses that have been perched atop my head, hanging on my shirt, or literally on my face as I was seeing through them.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:19:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

serjsomi · 2 points · Posted at 20:01:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love this one!

Captain_Sacktap · 39 points · Posted at 00:12:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I seem to have some kind of weird, possibly genetic, condition where I can’t say good morning like a normal fucking person if I’m not paying attention. This year alone I have greeted my co-workers with “Happy Birthday”, “Merry Christmas”, “Have a good weekend”, and (my colleagues’ personal favorite) “Merry Birthday.”

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 11:42:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

toofpaist · 1 points · Posted at 21:51:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's Merry Berfmas

rosethepug · 38 points · Posted at 00:29:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at the register at a food place. It gets pretty repetitive ringing people out & it’s pretty much muscle memory. One night it was late and we were almost closing, at this point I was pretty much checked out, and instead of handing a customer their receipt I literally handed them the key to the store. It was sitting next to me and I literally just picked it up and gave it to the lady without thinking. So awkward

the-Bus-dr1ver · 73 points · Posted at 22:35:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making coffee whilst tired. I lost my kettle for over an hour. After seeing my milk left ouy on the side I decided to put it back in the fridge; wher ei found my kettle.

[deleted] · 37 points · Posted at 22:42:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

i work in retail and we have to ask the customers if they have a customer-card. sometimes people have them ready in their hands so i scan them and immediately after ask them if they have our customer-card.

Arkazex · 8 points · Posted at 05:48:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a place where the customer card numbers had to be entered manually, but one particular customer discovered that they could print out a barcode of their number, and scanning that on the countertop scanner would work. The fist time it happened my autopilot crashed. The guy got a good laugh out of it.

drealph90 · 1 points · Posted at 22:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here, I did this every day for three years

delta_cephei · 36 points · Posted at 01:05:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Claire's, and did a lot of ear piercings. One time I went to ask somebody if they wanted me to count down or surprise them, and instead what came out was "Will that be debit or credit?" I'm not sure that instilled much confidence, but they laughed it off. On that note, don't get your ears pierced at Claire's.

printflour · 2 points · Posted at 15:41:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

why not?

abl1009 · 35 points · Posted at 03:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a nurse.

One night at home I knocked on my own bedroom door and said “It’s your nurse, can i come in?”

eekamuse · 1 points · Posted at 16:39:50 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I snort/laughed

Glyph808 · 35 points · Posted at 00:51:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife is a midwife so we are very used to talking all kinds of lady bits things and baby delivery things.

At work I ran into a coworker who was just coming back from maternity leave and I asked how her new son was. She then told me he was a big boy and was 9 1/2 LB at birth and I immediately asked how bad she tore.

After a silent moment I realized what I had said and began to back peddle saying that I had asked a inappropriate question and she didn’t have to answer.

Luckily for me she knew my wife and what she does for a living or I could have gotten into some hot water.

gfjq23 · 34 points · Posted at 01:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on call sometimes and we get spam calls sometimes. My phone went off in the middle of the night and I answered "Information technology department, this is gfjq23, how can I help you?" My mom said "Your grandmas in the hospital!" and I replied "This is a place of business, we do not accept solicitations." Then I hung up.

I was not on call and my mom was not pleased.

Flopenhagen · 35 points · Posted at 02:38:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a gas station around 36 hours a week so i was there a lot. I was paying for something at a different gas station and swiped my card and it made the same beeping noise that the ones at my work do. With out skipping a beat I asked the cashier "would you like a receipt?" She just kind of gave me a "wtf?" Face and then it dawned on me. I just said "wow I hate my life" and walked out lol

cuppinkeix · 32 points · Posted at 22:50:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a coffee shop for a while, and several times I had prepped the coffee and started it, without having a carafe underneath it. Coffee eeeeeverywhere.

Drealjas · 5 points · Posted at 00:55:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ughhhh the only thing worse is double brewing!!! Yay, a full carafe that has turned into a volcano!!!

not_tight_butthole · 3 points · Posted at 07:10:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that a couple of times with one of the big, restaurant-sized tea brewers. Not good.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

been there done that but at home grrrrr what a mess

YeetDaddie · 32 points · Posted at 22:55:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Before hanging up I told my boss goodbye and "love ya". We just never spoke of it again

DatOtherPapaya · 26 points · Posted at 00:01:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on phone with my wife in bank drive through. Teller said thanks, have a good day. Hearing my wife’s voice respond to teller “ thanks, love you too”.

She laughed. I laughed. Haven’t returned since.

Itiswhatitistoo · 5 points · Posted at 01:18:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A doctor I worked for was stuck at the airport and gave me a call to check on the office. As we were closing our conversation he said, "I love you, see you soon." And I said "thanks?"

You could hear the silence at that moment when he realized what he said.

The nurses and I had a great laugh knowing how he old fashioned and proper he is that he wanted to die a thousand deaths that day after that mistake.

RyanSmithN · 65 points · Posted at 22:50:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put KY Warming Gel Lubricant in my eye.

Back when I used to drink every night, every following morning I would wake up, go to the bathroom, grab the Visine and put a drop in each eye. The night before this particular morning I had left the lube (Which was in a small, similarly "tear-drop shaped" bottle") on the bathroom sink and grabbed it without thinking. My wife came running in when she heard my screaming from the other room and burst out in laughter when she had found out what happened.

It burned. A lot.

Midnight_Laundry · 15 points · Posted at 00:39:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something similar. Was putting in my contacts and grabbed a bottle of what I though were eye drops to put in my eye. Turns out it was an ear rinse solution made with isopropyl alcohol.

stiffjoint · 0 points · Posted at 23:29:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eye boner?

Dasoyee · 33 points · Posted at 00:32:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in junior high school, I went to pick up a book I left in my English class. I was in a rush to get to my other class and so without thinking I told the teacher “Bye Mom, love you,” and right after I just stood there, dumbstruck. She laughed.

b_kirby · 66 points · Posted at 23:17:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

At airports:

Ticket checker: “Have a great flight.”

Me: “You too!”

KCchessc6 · 3 points · Posted at 03:32:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did that last week

lnkgeekdad · 2 points · Posted at 15:28:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every darn time.

"Enjoy your meal!" "You, too!"

veedubbug68 · 2 points · Posted at 16:59:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a hotel; on check-out or luggage collection I'll tell guests "Have a good trip" and I get "You too!" as a response quite often.

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 22:51:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

RaggySparra · 27 points · Posted at 00:19:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The correct way to handle asparagus.

Vdaggle · 2 points · Posted at 03:57:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn’t agree more

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 23:12:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Threw my socks straight into the toilet instead of the laundry basket

machipu · 31 points · Posted at 23:38:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew on a spoonful of yogurt / ice cream

thesleepyCulverwitch · 5 points · Posted at 02:57:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have sensitive teeth and I just recently started blowing on things after thinking "This is going to be too cold" as if blowing on it is going to warm it up haha!

alreadytaken- · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:30 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Joined a friend and her family for dinner once they are all really religious and are against any drug use other than alcohol. I was a little high and while attempting a bite of salad I picked some up on my fork and blew in it to cool it down. I thought I was gonna blow my cover

BaronVonNumbaKruncha · 31 points · Posted at 00:47:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was about twelve years ago, back before the advent of Uber/Lyft and such, when I drove for the local bus company. After a ten hour shift, I pulled over in my car in a bus stop and looked impatiently at the people waiting in the stop, wondering why they weren't getting in. It too a good ten seconds to realize exactly why they thought I was crazy, at which point I sunk as far back in my car as I could and drove away, acting like I stopped for a good reason. I went straight home and went to bed.

FourEyesWhitePerson · 28 points · Posted at 22:55:04 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve stopped at plenty of green lights because I’m so used to them being red every time I pull up to them lol

AmbulanceChaser12 · 12 points · Posted at 23:07:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, so YOU’RE that person!!

officerpaws · 29 points · Posted at 01:04:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bow when I shake anyone's hand. I work for a bank, so I'm basically shaking hands all day. One day, my coworkers called me out on it, and I didn't believe them. A family from Japan recently moved to town and wanted to get a safe deposit box. At the end of the account set up, when they were about to leave, we shook hands and I thanked them for coming in. As usual, I did my bow and they did the same. I really didn't realize til that moment that I was doing it.

H0n3yb3a · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too!

jcweaze33 · 30 points · Posted at 02:04:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school, I would wake up at 5:30AM, go through my morning routine, and drive to school. Because of an unexpected canceling of school due to weather, we had make up days at the end of the semester so classes ended on a Wednesday.

I forgot to turn off my alarm and woke up Thursday morning, go through the motions and drive to school. I get there and the office was still open so teachers could come and go. It also happened to be the main entrance that students took.

I walked in to the office, said “Good Morning” to the receptionist who was starring at me oddly, and walked into the cafeteria to wait for the bell to ring. I was usually one of the first people there anyway so the fact it was empty didn’t raise any alarms. The receptionist walks out to me and asks me why I’m there. Taken back a bit, I said “I’m always here this early, I’m waiting for the bell for first block.”

Rightfully so, she laughed at me and informed me classes ended yesterday. I drove home and walked inside to my parents laughing at me. It still gets brought up.

Shenziepop · 62 points · Posted at 00:29:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My colleague and I were just bumming around after lunch when the phone rings. He automatically picked it up and answered whilst he was in the middle of saying “Christ, I’m so gassy. I really need to go to the toilet”

The customer, thankfully, found it hilarious.

ACardAttack · 28 points · Posted at 00:03:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my girlfriend that I loved her for the first time

We were sitting on opposite couches doing stuff on our computers, she asks for me to grab her something and I go "sure love" or something like that....I kind of pause hoping she didn't catch that, she did and asks what did I say, gave me a chance to take it back, but I didn't. Figured if it slipped out it was how I was feeling deep inside

Now married with a wonderful two year old

principepastel · 27 points · Posted at 00:37:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in first grade I went to the toilet to do my business and proceeded to strip down naked. After I was done I went to open the door back into the classroom only wearing underwear and it clicked that I wasn’t at home. Would have been a really embarrassing number right there

Beddgelert · 1 points · Posted at 14:41:56 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh is that what a Number Four is?

gypsybyker · 27 points · Posted at 01:04:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent 10 minutes looking for the pair of socks I knew I a had taken out of the dresser. The were already on my feet.

bradford1994 · 29 points · Posted at 01:08:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid my family would say a nightly prayer before going to sleep. One night it was my turn and instead of saying our regular prayer, I said “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Amen.” I guess I just went into the bank vault in my brain!

[deleted] · 53 points · Posted at 00:25:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to put a creamer thing in the Keurig at the barber shop I go to. Everyone laughed and asked me if I was stoned, I was.

phuckman69 · 1 points · Posted at 09:05:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is why pot has to stay illegal!!!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:41:36 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you for your wisdom, phuckman69

toofpaist · 1 points · Posted at 21:19:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why?

phuckman69 · 3 points · Posted at 22:17:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very dangerous

toofpaist · 1 points · Posted at 22:22:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What is?

phuckman69 · 3 points · Posted at 01:47:58 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Coffee creamer

toofpaist · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:00 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

But you said weed is.

Senca420 · 26 points · Posted at 22:51:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on holiday in the wild. Got home started peeing in the garden... /shrug

sharkieclarkie · 27 points · Posted at 00:56:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of the girls at work heard the phone ring and put the calculator up to her ear to answer it. We still take the piss out of her and that was about 2 years ago

PirateKingJones · 27 points · Posted at 01:04:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Time to shine. So last school year I started waiting in early spring. I literally did nothing but go to school and work. Well, I would always finished up tables with the phrase, is there anything I can get ya? Well, anyway come prom I have to work just before it but i get off work and my date and I have a good time and i finally drive her home and it's a nice moment as we're talking on her porch and instead of saying goodnight, I looked her in the eyes and asked if there was anything else I could her. I just stopped, said goodnight fast, and speedwalked to my car.

BubblefartsRock · 26 points · Posted at 01:06:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

not me but a friend. he works at chipotle and was running on hour 10 of his shift. when he was going down the line with a customer for toppings, the customer asked for guac. my friend just skipped using the spoon and shoved his hand in the guac, slapped it on the burrito, and casually said with a smile "anything else for you?"

[deleted] · 135 points · Posted at 21:52:14 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I've almost poisoned myself so many times, oh god. All the strange food and drink combinations, almost putting cleaning products in my drinks, all sorts of shit really. I space out a lot and these things happen pretty frequently. One of my favourites is when i poured half a carton of orange juice into my cereal and a glass of milk. I drank the milk but still, ruined that cereal.

Not food related, i misplace things all the time and sometimes end up wasting half an hour searching for them, only to find that oh wow! The pencil i lost is in my hair, and i had immediately forgotten what it felt like to not have the weight and texture of a pencil on my head which would have prevented the long-ass search :D

I've almost thrown away so many things whilst just holding rubbish in my hand (anything from scrunched up paper to rotting food) including my phone, my dinner, my cups, my gaming controller. I've actually thrown a DS stylus and lip balm into the toilet before, fun times.

I've scrunched up some artwork i've done whilst deep in thought by accident, spilt a lot of drinks, just forgotten how to use my muscles and dropped stuff on the floor, picked up and placed my cats in random places because petting them made me too relaxed to where i spaced out. Also love switching the places of certain items in the house when i'm cleaning or making something (trying to stuff the milk container into a tiny cupboard, trying to put a hat in the fridge, it's fun.) Auto pilot is a real problem for me ;u;

Killer-Barbie · 51 points · Posted at 22:34:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That sounds like something more serious like seizures. Have you seen someone about it?

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 22:39:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nah, it doesn't happen to that degree. It's mostly insomnia and depression-induced fatigue leading to a lot of brain farts. I'm a pretty spaced out person anyway since my imagination's one of my main forms of entertainment (that's a whole other issue but nothing that dangerous.) I appreciate your concern though <3 The majority of the time i'm fine, but my super tired days i just fuck up a lot of basic tasks lol.

Killer-Barbie · 38 points · Posted at 23:32:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That is literally how abscence seizures present. Exactly what you just described

[deleted] · 16 points · Posted at 23:38:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Typical Absence Seizures - These seizures are the most common. The person suddenly stops all activity. It may look like he or she is staring off into space or just has a blank look. The eyes may turn upwards and eyelids flutter. The seizures usually last less than 10 seconds.

Nope. Not me.

Atypical Absence Seizures - These absence seizures are called atypical because they may be longer, have a slower onset and offset, and involve different symptoms. The seizure still starts with staring into space, usually with a blank look. There is usually a change in muscle tone and movement. You may see blinking over and over that may look like fluttering of the eyelids, smacking the lips or chewing movements, rubbing fingers together or making other hand motions. An atypical absence seizure lasts longer, up to 20 seconds or more.

Not me either. I know the difference dude. I'm fine.

[deleted] · 15 points · Posted at 01:06:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't worry about it, the Reddit consensus is almost always the worst case scenario.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 01:58:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like a more direct and personal version of WebMD. Thanks for the support. I'm super health anxious so i keep tabs on myself a lot, that kind of consensus does freak me out but i feel confident that i don't experience seizures at the very least. Will pay more attention to my poor memory and spacing out during my next doctor visit though :)

Jarudai · 5 points · Posted at 02:01:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, I experience a lot of the same things and I found out it was ADHD. It sounds like you have a handle on it though, but if you're curious about it there ya go

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:11:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think a lot of mental disorders have overlapping symptoms to be honest. Could be that all i have is one condition, but another diagnostics manual/professional body may say i have a dozen specific ones! It's some food for thought though, thank you. And i hope your ADHD hasn't affected your life negatively too much <3

Jarudai · 3 points · Posted at 05:29:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks! That's a really good point about multiple disorders having similar symptoms, I guess all our brains break in the same way sometimes! It hasn't been too negative for me fortunately, I'm glad that you seem to be coping well with the issues you're experiencing too!

throwaway___obvs · 4 points · Posted at 23:58:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go see a neurologist just to make sure (and prove us wrong)

bluesox · 9 points · Posted at 00:30:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah. Spend hundreds of dollars to prove you’re right to a stranger who won’t remember by the time results are in.

deblob123456789 · 9 points · Posted at 00:37:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually hes right. I saw a thread around this sub recently asking people about disorders they always thought was normal until they went to check. Its worth the money imo, especially for this, it doesnt look normal

abra5umente · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can relate to the depression related brain fog.

Before I got treatment for it I remember just walking to the office one day but I don’t remember anything about it. I just left home then appeared at work.

Happened a lot while I was working too, I would be typing something then zone out and come back and I’d have written a whole page of just gibberish or the same word over and over.

I also vividly remember driving home but I swear I had my eyes closed the whole time because I remember getting in my car and then just spacing out and pulling into my drive way.

Hell of a thing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:53:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh wow, the typing thing would freak me out! The forgetting of a journey though is pretty relatable. Glad you've gotten some treatment for it <3

Graupl · 9 points · Posted at 23:40:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

That feeling when you're looking for your glasses while you are wearing them :c

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 01:55:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh wow i can't imagine having that happen! I'm hyper aware of my glasses lol, probably because i touch 'em so much out of habit. My thoughts are with ya though, that must be pretty annoying.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 02:27:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I reach up to push my glasses up when I'm wearing contacts.. always wierds me out when I hit face

pussyhasfurballs · 8 points · Posted at 00:56:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god the part about you placing your cats in random places just reminded me of something.

I get this thing that I call waking dreams. It's where I'm asleep and dreaming and then I actually wake up but I think I'm still dreaming so I act out whatever is happening in my dream. It usually happens when I'm stressed or feeling uncomfortable. It can be really scary because I start to panic because I get disoriented and don't know where I am. I stop panicking as soon as i can switch on a light. There's actually a medical term for this but I can't remember it.

One time, when I was sleeping naked, I woke up and thought I was a business man (I'm a woman) staying at a hotel. I got out of bed and started looking for my suit and started panicking because I couldn't find it. I tried looking for a light switch but I couldn't find it because in my head I was in a strange hotel room instead of my bedroom. I ended up walking to the front door and staring outside for a bit before I finally realised where I was. For a long time afterwards I was terrified that I would end up outside naked, but luckily that was the only time I went to the door in that out of it state.

But the time you reminded me of... I was 15 or 16 at the time. I woke up and decided my cat needed to be free. He was peacefully curled up on my bed and I picked him up and released him back into the wild. Then I decided that the teddy bear I had also needed to be free so I picked it up and went into the living room with it and set it free on the couch. Satisfied, I went back to bed. After a few minutes with my eyes closed, trying to get back to sleep, I realised what I'd done. It turns out that my version of setting my cat free was to put it out the window. I opened the window and he was sitting on the ledge looking confused. Poor thing had been innocently sleeping and then I'd gone and freed him.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:06:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my god XD I'm sorry to laugh but that's pretty amazing. I can't quite think of the medical term for that either, i think the closest i know of is just REM Sleep Behaviour Disorder? Thanks for sharing your stories! Glad to see i'm not the only one who has misplaced their cat haha.

pussyhasfurballs · 2 points · Posted at 03:31:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your cats are probably used to it and probably roll their eyes "here we go again!"

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:50:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh definitely! They let me know when they've had enough though haha.

LaBelleCommaFucker · 7 points · Posted at 00:17:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Look up mindfulness techniques. They might help you to be more in tune with the present.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 01:53:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done a bit of meditation before but i really should make time for it and other exercises more regularly. Thank you for reminding me <3 It's quite important and often times you forget to make room for your own mind! Hope you have a wonderful New Years!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:40:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think a course in mindfulness might help lol

1plus1equalsgender · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every sentence or so I have to stop, regain strength in my right shoulder and facial muscles, and breathe for about 30 seconds before continuing

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't get what you mean by this comment?

1plus1equalsgender · 2 points · Posted at 02:24:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's so funny I'm in physical pain, and stopping to regain my breath periodically

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 17:49:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahh, thanks man. Sometimes i misinterpret comments :P Have a good one lol, glad it made ya laugh.

NaturalisticPhallacy · 0 points · Posted at 00:45:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What size helmet do you wear?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't wear helmets of any kind? I don't cycle or drive a motorbike or anything like that.

futlapperl · 1 points · Posted at 11:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's a joke about mentally impaired people wearing helmets.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:53:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Huh. Never heard that one before.

theNextVilliage · 27 points · Posted at 23:06:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I told an ATM "thank you."

Gunty1 · 2 points · Posted at 13:56:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just once?? I do this EVERY time.... unless of course i say it to the person beside me in the queue!

mikevago · 27 points · Posted at 23:52:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, there was this girl I liked. I asked her out, and she said yes, but she wasn't sure what night she was free and she'd call me in a few days. A day or two later, I had been up late working a few nights, so the first day I got home at 5, I took a nap after work.

The girl called. We talked for a few minutes. Then I woke up.

Apparently, I had answered the phone and talked to her for a few minutes on autopilot while I was asleep. For a split second, I thought I could get away with playing it cool, but I broke down and explained that I didn't remember any of the conversation to that point. She was understanding; we went out our date; it all worked out in the end.

reddittwotimes · 27 points · Posted at 01:05:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my wife. My aunt passed away and we arrive at the hotel after a long drive and the wife is exhausted. My cousin (aunts youngest son) comes into our room after finishing preparing the eulogy for the next morning and asks my wife how she's doing. Her response was "I'm alive...".

[deleted] · 52 points · Posted at 00:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the women's locker room and started changing right as the gym opened. I just pulled in my gym shorts when two women entered and started at me. It finally dawned on me that I was in the wrong locker room... I grabbed my stuff, apologized and hustled out. Of course I forgot I was shirtless and barefoot, clutching my backpack and shoes as I stumbled to the right locker room.

Lemightyman · 26 points · Posted at 22:40:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unwrapped a candy and threw the candy into the garbage can.

EquestrianShadow · 26 points · Posted at 01:05:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kid you not, I forgot how to eat a peanut.

I was so nervous I shoved the entire thing into my mouth when I was offered one, then pretended like I always ate it that way.

timmyboi · 51 points · Posted at 23:27:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked some wax in my ear and smelled it, in a work meeting. I think just one person saw me

erial_ck · 6 points · Posted at 01:04:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did it smell?

timmyboi · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kinda sour. I do it all the time cause I have extra waxy ears. Got caught this time

Milfshake23 · 25 points · Posted at 23:59:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving friends to a pharmacy for hair dye stuff, turn in to the strip where it is, immediately pull into the drive through of a nearby popular Canadian coffee shop, sitting in line thinking “why am I in line for coffee” and my friends looked at me and just laughed. We bought coffee anyway. Oops. My brain thought I was going to work and immediately took me to the drive through.

Nyltiak23 · 3 points · Posted at 04:21:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tim Horton's?

batmessiah · 24 points · Posted at 01:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put down my good boy today, and this was the first thing that’s made me smile. Thanks for this.

Lawl_Lawlsworth · 4 points · Posted at 06:31:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have an internet hug, man.

batmessiah · 3 points · Posted at 09:03:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you, internet stranger. It's been a rough day.

Lawl_Lawlsworth · 3 points · Posted at 09:27:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know how you feel, man. I didn't have to put my dog down, but she died right in front of me, early in the morning, when me and my family were taking turns keeping an eye on her. I was the only one awake at that time. She suddenly started twitching, and when I held her, she just stretched one last time, and was... gone.

Be strong, friend.

batmessiah · 2 points · Posted at 16:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you. He was an old man dog. Just a few months shy of 14, which is so good for a big dog. His hips gave out on him, but even as I gave him once last walk down the block, he didn’t want to get in the car, he wanted to keep going. The vet said she couldn’t believe he was still able to walk as well as he did, since his muscles were atrophied so badly. He was a good boy. He was the best boy.

Cleverusername531 · 3 points · Posted at 21:42:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dogs Never Die posted by u/milkyj but written by their friend

Some of you, particularly those who think they have recently lost a dog to “death”, don’t really understand this. I’ve had no desire to explain, but won’t be around forever and must.

Dogs never die. They don’t know how to. They get tired, and very old, and their bones hurt. Of course they don’t die. If they did they would not want to always go for a walk, even long after their old bones say:” No, no, not a good idea. Let’s not go for a walk.” Nope, dogs always want to go for a walk. They might get one step before their aging tendons collapse them into a heap on the floor, but that’s what dogs are. They walk.

It’s not that they dislike your company. On the contrary, a walk with you is all there is. Their boss, and the cacaphonic symphony of odor that the world is. Cat poop, another dog’s mark, a rotting chicken bone ( exultation), and you. That’s what makes their world perfect, and in a perfect world death has no place.

However, dogs get very very sleepy. That’s the thing, you see. They don’t teach you that at the fancy university where they explain about quarks, gluons, and Keynesian economics. They know so much they forget that dogs never die. It’s a shame, really. Dogs have so much to offer and people just talk a lot.

When you think your dog has died, it has just fallen asleep in your heart. And by the way, it is wagging its tail madly, you see, and that’s why your chest hurts so much and you cry all the time. Who would not cry with a happy dog wagging its tail in their chest. Ouch! Wap wap wap wap wap, that hurts. But they only wag when they wake up. That’s when they say: “Thanks Boss! Thanks for a warm place to sleep and always next to your heart, the best place.”

When they first fall asleep, they wake up all the time, and that’s why, of course, you cry all the time. Wap, wap, wap. After a while they sleep more. (remember, a dog while is not a human while. You take your dog for walk, it’s a day full of adventure in an hour. Then you come home and it’s a week, well one of your days, but a week, really, before the dog gets another walk. No WONDER they love walks.)

Anyway, like I was saying, they fall asleep in your heart, and when they wake up, they wag their tail. After a few dog years, they sleep for longer naps, and you would too. They were a GOOD DOG all their life, and you both know it. It gets tiring being a good dog all the time, particularly when you get old and your bones hurt and you fall on your face and don’t want to go outside to pee when it is raining but do anyway, because you are a good dog. So understand, after they have been sleeping in your heart, they will sleep longer and longer.

But don’t get fooled. They are not “dead.” There’s no such thing, really. They are sleeping in your heart, and they will wake up, usually when you’re not expecting it. It’s just who they are.

I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs sleeping in their heart. You’ve missed so much. Excuse me, I have to go cry now.

Ernest Montague

Lawl_Lawlsworth · 2 points · Posted at 22:56:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Truly the best boy.

Dagdoth_Fliesh · 25 points · Posted at 03:40:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Workin' at restaurant, woman comes in, asks where the restoom is.

Not paying attention and thinking she asked about bar seating, I reply "go anywhere you like!"

Bloomfield95 · 23 points · Posted at 22:23:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I open the bin cupboard with the intention of going for a piss about once a month

piperok27 · 22 points · Posted at 23:31:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my car in park and took keys put of ignition at an intersection waiting for the green light

Kovie47 · 25 points · Posted at 00:14:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was lifting at the gym today. Put the clamp on the barbell, then added the plates... then searched for the clamp for a good 5 minutes.

I just left after that.

UnacceptableUse · 23 points · Posted at 00:31:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a cup of tea and poured the water from the kettle into the sugar instead of into the cup

johnrobertbob · 22 points · Posted at 00:31:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened just a couple weeks ago. I moved to a new house after living for 18 years in my previous home. I was on the phone with my business partner sorting out some work issue. I came out of my auto-pilot haze to realize I was in the driveway of my old house pushing the garage door opener and getting pissed because it wasn't opening. Good thing it didn't because I would have 100% walked in the house and surprised the new owner.

Kingsmillclover · 24 points · Posted at 00:45:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Only thing that comes to mind is trying to get in wrong car as shy kid. My mother was disabled so i did things for her from young age. One of those was going in to collect money from bank so was already embarrassed from explaining why I'm there not parent. Then things went worse outside. Door was locked and after about 3 good yanks on door looked up to see man driver and woman in passager seat looking both shocked and kind of discusted. My parents car was behind both where same make model and colour.

LadyKingsella · 7 points · Posted at 01:30:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this too in middle school and just about died of embarrassment.

XT3RM1N8R · 22 points · Posted at 01:05:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking to a friend's house and when I got to the door, I kept going. I opened the door, which was conveniently unlocked, and found myself in the middle of a domestic dispute his family was having.

securidude · 46 points · Posted at 00:14:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In grade 9 geography the teacher was walking up and down the classroom giving a verbal test. We were to write down the answers and hand them in for marks. She asked the question, I raised my hand and answered. I died dead much embarrassment many oofs

kristykrab · 4 points · Posted at 01:45:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

f

still_depresso · 47 points · Posted at 00:39:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

almost lost a client this Halloween to this:

him: "oh yeah its Halloween soon, whats your favorite holiday"

me: "9/11... shit fuck no"

him: "....."

I didn't hear anything from him after we finished that project

WolfgangWobz · 19 points · Posted at 00:41:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you

still_depresso · 15 points · Posted at 00:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

love u too

a___blds · 42 points · Posted at 23:32:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

i have 2 pet rats and when i want to get their attention i click my tongue against my teeth. Except now i’ve noticed i do this with babies. My boyfriend had to tell me “dude they’re not the rats why are you calling them like that” lmao

CazzaLazarou · 3 points · Posted at 06:21:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

YES! I've had cats as pets all my adult life and I forget that when I meet the babies/toddlers of my friends that they are not cats and tongue clicks don't really work/are not appropriate.

sunshineandcloudyday · 2 points · Posted at 06:16:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol I've caught myself doing the same thing to my husband! Thank goodness he didn't notice. Worst part is the rattos were in their cage asleep in a completely different room.

vii-x-mmx · 22 points · Posted at 23:40:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stress bake a lot. One time I was on a particularly terrible phone call trying to deal with my insurance company and had just started to bake cookies on autopilot without really processing it fully.

jessisyes · 21 points · Posted at 00:01:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Enjoy your meal” “You too”

Panzycake · 23 points · Posted at 00:10:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended a phone conversation with my best friend by saying, "Love you."

He responded back with "Love to too."

We didn't effects correct ourselves because we both knew we meant it.

doingmybest64 · 24 points · Posted at 00:28:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took the wrapper off a straw and put it in my coworkers drink because I was always doing it for my kids.

eightinchrectalswab · 20 points · Posted at 00:53:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I entered the door code for my office alarm into my microwave.

Herthen9903 · 22 points · Posted at 01:18:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat in class at school and we were watching a history film. I'm ust have zoned out and thought I was just chilling at home by myself watching a movie. I farted pretty loud and everyone turned to look and me and started laughing. I just kept pretending there was no one else in the room and stared at the movie. This was like 5 years ago now and it still haunts me.

mathew56765 · 7 points · Posted at 11:31:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happens, everyone farts in class at some point. My moment (or at least the most memorable one) was one time during a test, I had some serious pressure building up in my bowels. We were in the middle of a test and I was planning on rushing to the bathroom as soon as I finished.

I was most of the way through this test when all of a sudden I had to sneeze, so I put my arm up over my face to prepare. I sneezed into my arm, which was muffled decently by my sweatshirt sleeve. However at the same time I almost blew a hole in the damn chair I farted so hard. My classmates nearly broke their necks turning so fast to look at me and we all laughed so hard we cried, my teacher couldn't even hold it together.

One of my best fart stories, along with the time I farted on set at a tv news station.

MySnakesSolid · 42 points · Posted at 00:24:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got pissed off that the microwave wouldn’t turn on... as I was holding the microwave door open

zephyrbird1111 · 19 points · Posted at 00:51:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was ill with a nasty flu and drove myself a couple blocks to the grocery store for medicine and fresh grapes. It was the mid-nineties and I was driving my (now ex) husband's white 4 door '90 Grand Am. Went inside, made my purchase, then hopped in the driver's seat and paused as I glanced in the rear view mirror before starting the car...I caught a curious sideways glance from a sweet pupper in the back seat. I thought "we don't have a dog-how'd it get in here?" Turns out, I was so delirious with flu, that I had gotten into some random car parked right next to ours. Not a Grand Am, not a four-door- but at least it was white. Yep, I scurried out of that seat like a dog-jacking attempted car theif!

ShovelingSunshine · 21 points · Posted at 01:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wasn't paying attention as I walked down a sidewalk with my sister. Bumped my shoulder against someone and said, "Oh, sorry", without looking up or back. My sister turned and said, " why would you apologize to a pole?".

armoredtarek · 5 points · Posted at 10:17:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this at work the other day to a pallet of pork bellies.

Chicking_King · 20 points · Posted at 03:04:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grocery shopping and got to the end of the aisle, and looked for my “indicator” to switch on so I could turn the corner as if I was in a car.

MmmmapleSyrup · 40 points · Posted at 00:50:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m not defending this in the least, but when I was a young man I worked with a tall blonde lady (approximately my age) whose breasts were not proportionate to her frame. They were large and in charge and wonderful. This makes things even more inappropriate, but we worked with children, so all of the chairs at our job were comically small, and I am not a tall man to begin with... One particularly blurry morning I was sitting with a friend, doing my best not to appear too hungover in front of our boss, and the blonde lady (who was at the party with us the night before) walked over, leaned down and asked me and our coworker how we were feeling after the previous night’s festivities. Or so I’m assuming, because I didn’t hear a thing she said, I just looked up into a whole face full of her breasts and my reptilian brain asked itself “I wonder how heavy they are...” And without processing what it was I was about to do, I reached up and cradled one of her boobs to get a sense of its heft... She stopped mid sentence and stared at me in disbelief (the feeling was entirely mutual). As I attempted to stammer through an explanation, she just cut me off and said “ya know what? Don’t even worry about it, it’s cool just ask next time...” and she walked away. To this day, it was one of the strangest moments of my life.

cebeezly82 · 8 points · Posted at 03:10:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel for you. Legally blind and my eys always wonder towards breasts especially when they're wearing a dark jacket with a lighter colored shirt due to the contrast. Awkward

toofpaist · 4 points · Posted at 21:36:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were they heavy?

[deleted] · 60 points · Posted at 22:49:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was stoned in the taco Bell drive thru (2 a.m.), when I learned that they were out of beef. Only after driving away did I realize that I exclaimed "ohh noooo" in the microphone.

I like to think they know their demographic and laughed at my reaction with me.

Whitsoxrule · 9 points · Posted at 06:01:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you were driving high?

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 06:02:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd like to call my lawyer.

Whitsoxrule · 5 points · Posted at 06:10:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao

Too late son, you’re doin time for this one

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 06:37:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

should've gone to wendy's

CazzaLazarou · 4 points · Posted at 06:27:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read this comment in the voice of Jason from The Good Place!

JorVar3000 · 44 points · Posted at 00:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once at school I was watching a really funny comedy special on my phone while my class watched a movie. I didn't notice THAT it was the boy in the stripped pijamas, so during the scene where (spoilers ahead) the boys go into the gas chamber, I heard Dave Chappelle the funniest shit I'd heard in a while. I laughed so hard the whole class turned around and looked at me. The thing is, I couldn't say I was watching something on my phone because the teacher was behind me and she would've took it. And that's how people thought I was a. Nazi simpathizer for a week.

hatkeyhayley · 8 points · Posted at 01:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Only a week

JorVar3000 · 12 points · Posted at 02:07:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah. I did something dumb the next week that resulted in a couple days of gay rummors, and gay nazi simpathizers are a very rare breed

FROXII · 3 points · Posted at 14:00:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teenagers move on quickly

cammie007 · 22 points · Posted at 23:21:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

At night, i always brush my teeth and wipe my face down.

I've put toothpaste rather than face cleanser on my cotton pad more than once. Luckily I've never gotten to rubbing it on my face...

gtfohbitchass · 3 points · Posted at 13:43:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm just proud of you for having a regular skincare routine

eightcarpileup · 19 points · Posted at 01:04:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the age of 22, I wet the bed. I wasn’t drunk. No medically-altered state. I’m a vivid dreamer. I dreamt I was swimming in a stormy sea. I had to change sheets, shower, and start laundry at 3am.

InfiniteChaos6 · 20 points · Posted at 01:31:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I never shared this story because Ive been trying to repress it deep in my memories. When I was around 12 years old I was having dinner with my family and a close family friend was over, sitting beside me. I was tired from football practice and zoned out, and for whatever reason I put my whole hand in his spaghetti and massaged it. We looked at each other as it was happening and all I could do was practically beg for forgiveness for doing something so awkward. I now know the look of “dude did you just put your hand in my spaghetti” and I wish I didn’t.

Cleverusername531 · 2 points · Posted at 21:47:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s hilarious! I love it that our brains can be so very random. It makes me think of the things we do in dreams that are random like this. They don’t seem strange in dreams. Maybe your brain was in that same place.

Kytothelee · 20 points · Posted at 02:01:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just got done putting out some Hershey kisses in the candy bowl at work. Right after a copy machine salesman came by. I also have a bowl of lifesaver mints on my desk. He asked if he could have a mint, I said "Of course! You can have a kiss too!" He just stared at me with a blank expression. At first I thought, oh maybe he doesn't like chocolate?? Then I realized what I said and tried to correct myself haha.

xandraj11213 · 20 points · Posted at 05:25:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay so this just happened. My mom just died right around three weeks ago. Between running errands and paperwork and hosting a wake (on top of that managing my emotions and being a stable mom to a 1 and a half year old), my brain was pretty much fried and was operating on auto pilot.

During the wake, one of her previous staff from her company visited. That was a particularly hazy day. Lack of sleep and all the other shit I had to deal with were taking its toll.

As the guy walked toward me, my brain told me to prepare to say something. He goes and shakes my hand. Now I knew that he was gonna send his condolences. For some reason, I felt pressured to give a quick response.

Brain: Quick! Say something.

Me (inside my head): Oh my God what do I say? Should I tell him "Condolence"?

Brain: NO NO NO NO YOU'RE GONNA FUCK IT UP

So my brain managed to find a replacement word. Telling the guy Condolences would be pretty funny and so my fried ass brain decided that the next best thing to say was...

Guy: :shakes my hand:

Me: Congrats.

TheJusername · 19 points · Posted at 00:26:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to wash banana. Just like when you do, before eating an apple bought from shop.

DrawingsByDom · 17 points · Posted at 01:02:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grew up extremely religious. One time in 6th grade, instead of standing and saying the pledge of allegiance, i accidentally recited the Our Father prayer, and i didnt realize it until I said Amen.

treylanford · 18 points · Posted at 02:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not something I do, per se, but the other way around that is still hilarious:

As a firefighter-medic, after I drop a patient off at the hospital ER, I will often say, “Hope you get to feeling better..”

Like clockwork, I’ll get “Thank you” about 80% of the time; the other 20% I’ll get a “You too!”

krispyfriedyuca · 34 points · Posted at 23:30:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Swiped my access badge to enter through the door except I didn’t have my badge and the door was for my house

tmhutchi · 18 points · Posted at 23:15:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My poor housemate walked into our shared hallway, found me staring blankly into his room. I mean, I was totally spaced out, but upon noticing his presence I immediately shrank back into my own room like a freaking trapdoor spider.

Sorry, Deryk!

NovaLoveCrystalCat · 19 points · Posted at 00:06:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a new, very exhausted, mother to a nine day old child... dropped my bigger kid off at preschool and went home leaving my baby, in her car seat, sitting in the foyer.

After getting to my front door before realising my mistake, I had an awkward return to preschool to collect the baby.

Mum of the year.

tenovusclog · 19 points · Posted at 00:37:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spend my commutes listening to podcasts and flicking through twitter. When I find a tweet or article I want to focus on, I open the podcast app and pause what I'm listening to.

So last week, when reading a particularly interesting article while at home and my girlfriend started talking to me about something, I found myself going to the podcast app to "pause" her interruption...

cebeezly82 · 3 points · Posted at 03:18:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol

Beekiping · 1 points · Posted at 18:44:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this a lot.

M0n5tr0 · 17 points · Posted at 01:50:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bagged my husband's dinner up in Ziploc bags before I served him. Had my son a week prior and wasn't sleeping at all. I also threw a disposable diaper down the clothes chute.

Had a friend who sent her son to the Nanny's and packed him a lunch and snack. The Nanny called my friend and asked if she's ok because the snack she packed was a Ziploc full of lint from the lint trap on her dryer.

gpouliot · 36 points · Posted at 00:37:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a teenager, I discovered that Macaroni and Cheese has Microwave instructions. Unfortunately, when I found this out, I was already holding the metal pot that I was originally planning to use on the stove. Since I was standing beside the Microwave, I dumped the macaroni into the metal pot and stuck it in the Microwave. I didn't realize my error until coming back several minutes later. The plastic handle was half melted and I get yelled at for almost starting a fire and breaking the microwave.

rprpr · 35 points · Posted at 01:06:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I recently ordered a Chromecast for my stereo (omg, life changing) and absentmindedly looked up the tracking number on Canada Post. I saw that it was delivered, apparently a few days ago, but my poor brain didn't remember. So I phone Canada Post and file a missing package claim, and did my best to be polite with the CS agent, upset that they would evidently leave a package on my front step. I live in an up and coming neighborhood, so I assumed that it had been swiped.

So I'm on the phone with Canada Post and I glance up at the book shelf. There is my package. It all came rushing back to me: the postman coming to the door, my opening the door, and me thanking him while I took the package.

FML.

Anyhow, I finished filing the claim as quickly as I could. I'll phone them back on Monday, try to blame it on someone else.

duoinvasion · 2 points · Posted at 23:30:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just say your friends pranked you

doubleoned · 18 points · Posted at 00:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to take a shower and threw my clothes in the toilet instead of closing the lid and setting them on it.

calendare_you · 17 points · Posted at 01:55:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a guest at a dinner party and they had lemon chess pie. I cut myself a slice of pie and put the slice on a tiny dessert plate, and then pulled the pie dish to me and started eating off of it. (Instead of the plate). Took me 3-4 bites to realize I wasn’t eating the slice I cut for myself and was just eating off the whole pie. The rest of the dinner party guests thought it was funny but I was mortified.

[deleted] · 32 points · Posted at 23:30:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

This week parked in front of a gas station and went inside to get a redbull. Walked out and seen someone with a funny hat. Went up to a grey car tried opening the door. Wrong car and people were inside. My car was the grey car next to it.

doodlebot2001 · 31 points · Posted at 23:46:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stared at my laptop screen saver for about 2 minutes thinking it was a part of the movie I was watching

purechi · 17 points · Posted at 00:39:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting down on the couch at home to watch some television. I begin looking for the remote. It's not on the table, nowhere on the couch, not on the floor, not under the couch.. hmm.. I decide to look in between the cushions on the couch and, when I use my hands to pull the cushions apart and check in-between them I notice I'm holding the remote control in my left hand.

otherwiseChurl · 16 points · Posted at 00:40:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work saute at a busy restaurant. I had this move where I would spin flick a saute pan really quickly to throw any excess water from the dishwasher off of it. This would cause it to spin within my grasp and look pretty cool. I would then throw butter or oil into it and go about cooking the food.

One day while I was in the middle of an ongoing conversation: the pan spun in my hand - but went an extra rotation so when I went to throw a knob of butter into it, it hit the bottom and just bounced off. I didn't realize what had happened but I kept throwing butter knobs at this pan not realizing why everyone kept looking at the pan and laughing.

DirtyArchaeologist · 16 points · Posted at 00:45:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Light my lucky cigarette backwards because I didn’t check first.

SphmrSlmp · 16 points · Posted at 01:01:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my classmate back in school. Before football practice started, the coach gave us new jersey to try on. So we all grabbed our jersey, walked over to the bench to change. For some reason, my friend (who was obviously on autopilot) start taking off everything. Shirt and right down to the pants and undewear. We all shouted at him, "Dude, what are you doing?" And he had that head jerk moment of realization and put on his underwear as quickly as possible.

BiscuitsNbacon · 13 points · Posted at 01:35:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had cereal for breakfast, followed by having pasta for lunch which I put into a bowl. Didnt even think twice and filled my entire pasta bowl with milk. Oops

Salty4One · 15 points · Posted at 03:51:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my mom's house I saw an old pic of me when I was a kid she had framed hanging on the wall. I went to look at it and put my thumb and forefinger on it and spread them to try and enlarge it. Did this 3 times before it dawned on me. This is a regular old pic from the 80s. Not a smart phone. It doesn't enlarge.

actuallylavagirl · 29 points · Posted at 01:46:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zoop.

[deleted] · 14 points · Posted at 12:44:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

👉😎👉

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 21:04:41 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

It’s you

Cutter9792 · 16 points · Posted at 00:19:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time during basic training I was asleep, dead to the world, yet still managed to tell my drill sergeant to shut the fuck up when he came in our barracks in the middle of the night. I would never consciously do that, and I have no memory of it, but my friends told me I did.

We didn't get punished, luckily.

grimnur240 · 16 points · Posted at 01:06:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Before she leaves the house, my wife gives me a kiss goodbye and each of our dogs get a treat. One day she was in a rush to get out the door...so i got a treat in my face on accident.

spartagnann · 14 points · Posted at 01:07:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Immediately after baking something in a glass baking dish, I took out whatever I had made, dumped the dish into the sink, and turned on the cold water to cool it off...only to have the thing literally explode in my kitchen.

contextproblem · 12 points · Posted at 01:44:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was walking through my house carrying a bottle of motor oil. At some point I stopped, looked at the motor oil in my hand and said to myself; how did I get this where am I going and why do I need motor oil.

WolfDragonStarlit · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Minor existential crisis, sans handbasket?

FlowerNinja · 11 points · Posted at 00:04:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in 6th grade my mom gave my sister, me, and a neighbor / friend a ride to school. As we were saying our goodbyes, mom always gave us a kiss so me being tired and on autopilot in the back of the car leaned in and almost kissed my friend goodbye. D’oh. I don’t remember how I played it off but I got my kiss from mom too before I hopped out of the car.

blazebot4200 · 12 points · Posted at 22:37:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time in 2nd grade I walked into class in the morning and just sat down and started eating my lunch. I realized as soon as I stuck the straw in the juice box.

TheHoeTone · 12 points · Posted at 23:23:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to pull the cap off a cheap clicker pen that didn't have a cap on it... Pulled the pen itself apart in the middle of class

DomSchu · 11 points · Posted at 01:05:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went on a vacation with my parents and my girlfriend of the time 2 years ago. For some reason my parents always choose to get departure times super early in the morning. So we're at the airport at like 4 in the morning going through customs. I'm just clinging onto my girlfriend letting her lead me through as I'm in a dazed half asleep state. I pat, or touch her butt every chance I get. As you do. We get separated going through the metal detector thing. On the other side I walk up to the conveyor to get my stuff and pat the butt in the process. Only it wasn't her butt. My Mom makes a startled shriek and turns to look at me. I grab my bag and hurry to my girlfriend who was putting her shoes on a few feet away. Most awkward thing I've ever done

azgli · 2 points · Posted at 16:36:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did almost the same thing! My GF and her stepmother were both wearing wool coats. I was holding the door, turned to say goodbye, and patted a wool coat covered butt. My GF and her stepmother had swapped positions going through the door. She thought it was hilarious, my GF not so much.

DjangoHawkins · 12 points · Posted at 03:39:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in 5th grade and really excited for my cub scouts meeting after school. The school day ends and I grab my jacket and race to the meeting place about 5 blocks away at the scoutmaster's house. I get there and rush inside and the scoutmaster looks at me and says, "You're a bit early, aren't you?" Turns out I left school at the end of math class, but there were still two more classes to go!

I ran back as fast as I could and slid into my seat for the next class, which had already started. Tried to pretend like nothing had happened but my best friends knew.

nelepotato · 22 points · Posted at 22:33:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a few for me.

my most embarrassing would be when i was at a party for my cousin, people were packing food so they could leave. i had reached late and so i was going to eat; i had plate in my hand. as i was walking around the counter a bag started falling and thinking there was something in it, i threw the plate and caught the bag only to find the bag empty and the plate completely shattered in to a million pieces. everyone stopped and looked at me an i just burst out laughing like a lunatic.

i have also broken a glass table when i was younger at a party at our house in the summer time. a few of my family members were playing around with golf clubs trying to hit balls over the fence and so i wanted to do it too. i was standing on the deck and swung back right in to the glass table shattering it completely. no one was mad but they took the club away from me pretty quick.

[deleted] · 25 points · Posted at 01:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

SelfConfessedCreep · 3 points · Posted at 09:58:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm Sorry about your eye but you're really pretty

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:23:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh Lord. Are you okay? Can you still see?

AbsoluteAustin · 4 points · Posted at 13:04:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost vision in that eye for around half an hour, but it came back after flushing it with water. The pain lasted all day though haha

pewpbawls69 · 10 points · Posted at 23:33:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I straight up told my girlfriend what I got her for Christmas. My gifts were in my cars trunk and I was taking it to the shop, and told her I probably should have taken the gifts out beforehand. And then she says “that would suck if someone took them”. Then I said “yeah, especially that wondercooker.” I have never felt dumber, but Atleast she already kinda had an idea that that’s what I got her.

Anttpant · 10 points · Posted at 23:38:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked my mum if she wanted the receipt in her bag , when making a cup of tea.

laurpr2 · 13 points · Posted at 23:49:14 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Headache at work. Opened bottle of pills. Opened bottle of water. Poured water into my hand.

Tinkho · 11 points · Posted at 00:12:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once needed to take a poop in the middle of the night, walked to the toilet and as a male naturally stood to take a leak and ended up shitting whilst stood up into my own shorts

msmyrk · 11 points · Posted at 00:49:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Growing up, we had one of those old fashioned whistling kettles you put on a gas stove. My parents eventually replaced it with a really nice cordless electric kettle (it cost a fortune at the time).

We had it a few weeks before my auto pilot kicked in. Took me far too long to realise why I could smell burning plastic. My parents were unimpressed.

RunNateRun · 11 points · Posted at 01:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have an awesome (read embarrassing) habit of saying very inappropriate words when I zone out due to high stress.

For example, during my senior project presentation in college I got stuck mid sentence, I blanked looking at the crowd and said "sllllluuuuuutttt". Thankfully I think I threw everyone off enough that no one reacted. Another time was during an interview at my current job, said "dicks" with no context.

white_rabbit85 · 10 points · Posted at 01:03:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When we got a new puppy a few years ago I kept going 'nuh uh' whenever she was doing anything she shouldn't have instead of yelling no. After a few weeks of nuh uh'ing this and nuh uh'ing that, i was at work and nuh uh'd my boss... everyone just stopped and looked at me like I was nuts for about 10 seconds of a stunned silence, then my boss busted up laughing. Everyone got a good laugh and the office joke for a week or two was nuh uh, but I was mortified.

dancorleone88 · 12 points · Posted at 01:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had recently broken up with a gf of about 4 years. Went on a new date, went quite well, dropped the new girl off at the end of the night, as she was getting out of the car I just instinctively said “bye, love you”.

We stared at each blankly for what felt like an eternity and then I never saw her again after that.

Kitchen-Witch · 13 points · Posted at 01:14:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My gf and I used to take the public transit to work each morning. I'd drive us to the station and park the car for day before we got on the bus. One morning we were running late and pulled in just as the bus did. We rushed out of the car and onto the bus. Once we sat down I realized I couldn't find my car keys. Had to get off the bus and walk back. Good thing I did because not only had I left the keys in the car, I had left the car running.

ReginaldDwight · 12 points · Posted at 01:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a newborn photographer at a local hospital. Near the end of the day, I was in the room with a couple who'd just had a new baby and they had a ton of family visiting and welcomed me in. I was trying not to bother their visit as much as I could and was just making small talk.

I'm supposed to ask how many kids they have and whatnot so I had a good idea of which stuff for sale we had to tell them about it. (sales job more than a photography job, really.) So it's the end of the day, I'm on polite person autopilot. It's the woman's first child and the father's 10th child (whoa.) Also, it's important to mention that this family was black and we're in Tennessee and there's several southern black dialects that can be really hard to understand if you're not familiar with them. I was a newly transplanted white girl from a pretty white town in NC and I was definitely one of the people who struggled to understand it. The dad spoke in one of these but the rest of the family was pretty understandable. When I'd talk to the dad and I had no idea what he said, I'd smile and nod or say "yeah!" with a smile or "oh, that's awesome!" This is not a good strategy, for the record.

The guy's got two footprints tattooed on his arm and he points one out and tells me it's for the child I'm doing photos for right now. I fed a "wow, okay!" through my autopilot and said it. I asked about the other footprint and if it was one of his other kids' footprints. He said something I didn't really understand and I pulled the "Oh, that's awesome." response out of my ass. About 2 seconds later, my brain processed that the man had said, "This one is from another baby that had died. She [meaning the woman who had just had this new baby] had a miscarriage last year." AND I HAD REPLIED, "OH, THAT'S AWESOME.

I actually gasped and immediately realized that everyone in the room was glaring at me. I started apologizing to the dad and the mom in particular but also all the aunts and uncles and grandparents in the room who now thought I must be some minion of Satan. I explained honestly that they were my last stop of the day and I was running on autopilot and didn't realize what he'd said at first and in no way thought that poor woman's miscarriage was awesome.

They were so gracious and didn't hold it against me at all. Getting glared at by about 7 people crammed into a hospital room including a new mother and father who have this beautiful new baby but are also obviously grieving the loss of another just the year before and I felt like the biggest jerk in the world and never went into another hospital room running on autopilot. Every family deserves the same level of attention and care I could muster and me being tired didn't matter even for a job where the main aspect was supposed to be sales.

cebeezly82 · 2 points · Posted at 03:15:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy shit this similar.to some thing I did as a social worker

734842424201 · 10 points · Posted at 01:45:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was injured and was prescribed pain pills. My partner who was getting ready to leave for work. I ask them to open the bottle for me before they go due to the injury I couldn't. They open it pop 2 close it and turn out the room. I'm shocked and ask wtf. They are surprised at my reaction until I point out what happened. They freaked out. Turns out it was an important job on location 3 hours away. They thought they were taking their vitamins.

yaboymilky · 12 points · Posted at 02:05:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was cooking ramen on the stove top. Went into cleaning mode right after I was done cooking the noodles, ended up tossing the noodles in the trash and cleaned everything. Sat down to eat them and immediately felt stupid.

Cooking ramen part 2. Put ramen in the microwave with no water. Caught them on fire. I really should stop cooking ramen.

Amiraredor_3 · 10 points · Posted at 02:06:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Done this when i was about 8 years old. I woke up at about 10 pm wanting to use the bathroom. The refrigerator at that time was beside the bathroom door. I opened the refrigerator, pulled out the lowermost drawer reserved for vegetables, and just sat there and pissed all over it.

Didnt realize something was wrong until my siblings laughed at me.

cayax · 13 points · Posted at 03:04:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always drive around with my girlfriend. I always give her my hand, put my arm around her, or put my hand on her thigh. One day, I was driving around with male friend, and I put my hand on his thigh.

snarkyturtle · 3 points · Posted at 03:06:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's all good if you said "no homo".

OBNurseScarlett · 11 points · Posted at 04:16:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I'm an RN and have worked both inpatient and outpatient side. For the past almost 6 years, I've gotten used to knocking on the door to the patient's room/exam room as a courtesy before entering. It's become such a habit to knock on doors at work that I commonly knock on the door to go into the bathroom, into the breakroom, or the door from the back hallway into the office.

Always fun to walk into the breakroom full of coworkers looking at you funny after you've just knocked on the door....

And another one... After a really long and tiring nightshift, a coworker and I spent several minutes trying to make phone calls on our cell phones (I think we were trying to call up to the nurse's station to pass on a message..?) but neither of us could get a call to connect. We thought maybe there was an outage but then it dawned on us that we were both dialing 9 first. 🙄

Thedaveabides98 · 12 points · Posted at 04:16:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

6 hours late to the party, but I'll share anyway.

Was at the condo with my wife's family, woke up and walked into the kitchen. Grab my wife's ass on the sly and say "good morning beautiful." My wife stares at me from across the counter and says 'hello honey" while my hand was still planted firmly on my sister in-laws rear end.

PM_ME_UR_VIC_ROY_WIN · 10 points · Posted at 04:24:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to make iced coffee. So I made the coffee and put the ice in. I then took a sip and wondered why it was cold, then put it in the microwave and warmed it up. Only realized after I finished the coffee.

[deleted] · 9 points · Posted at 23:14:38 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I see a cow I call out "Moo Moo Cow" because that's what I've called them since I was little. I'll literally stop what I'm saying or doing and just say it when I see a cow, whether I am alone or not.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 23:41:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

SAHM42 · 2 points · Posted at 09:54:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to read this several times before working out that you hadn't meant to throw the glass of water on your phone instead.

gimmeyourbones · 10 points · Posted at 23:56:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got into an elevator to leave work at 4:59, when I knew that the building's power would be shut off at 5:00, and after having just decided to take the stairs. I got stuck.

gtfohbitchass · 2 points · Posted at 15:38:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's a terrible business practice

gimmeyourbones · 2 points · Posted at 19:19:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In their defense, it was a one time thing for some sort of maintenance, and we were warned like a THOUSAND times. But yeah, autopilot.

gtfohbitchass · 2 points · Posted at 22:39:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh good. I thought they were just like, nobody works late. We shut the whole building down at 5.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 00:11:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was angry at a friend, started having a fake argument with him in the bathroom mirror, realized after 10 seconds I was peeing in the bathroom sink.

chromofilmblurs · 9 points · Posted at 01:01:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sick and had taken some nyquil before dinner. My parents used to buy those huge like... 3 or 5 pound tubs of country crock spread. That night I went to pour myself a glass of juice. I poured about 2 whole cups of juice before I realized I was pouring it into the spread tub, NOT my glass. The tub was mostly full when this happened. We poured out and soaked up as much as we could, but we were periodically finding pockets of juice in there up to the time it was used up.

My family did not let me forget this for a looooong time.

Yrmsteak · 9 points · Posted at 01:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was picking up and eating the crumbs of a really tasty cuban lunch (homemade, basically crunchy chocolate) while playing dota on warcraft 3.

One of the crumbs I reached for dodged my fingers as I went to grab it so my hand autocorrected its course to grab the moving chocolate, picked it up and put it near my face before I realized I had grabbed an ant.

jamescapps · 9 points · Posted at 01:05:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was with a group of mates and we were listening to music, I asked my friend to put on a song and he gave me the iPad to do it myself. I was meant to go to YouTube but i just went auto pilot mode for like a split second and typed in pornhub, I was super high and all my mates didn’t let it go for the rest of the night.

jojoblogs · 8 points · Posted at 01:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking late at night from a train station, down empty streets. I'm 6'2 in black jeans and a hoody, and at some point get caught behind an elderly gentleman. I didn't realise it but I was walking pretty much right behind him for a block.

Next thing I know, I'm still right behind him but on the other side of the street. I didn't even need to be in this side, but in my autopilot I followed in his footsteps. Poor man probably thought he was getting mugged for sure.

[deleted] · 10 points · Posted at 01:09:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I watched the hunchback of Norte Dame at a theatre in Seattle and got to meet the guy who played Quasimodo afterward. The guy was deaf (a gargoyle sang for him, they incorporated sign language into choreography, it was really cool) so I was going to try to sign “thank you” but ended up panicking and flipped him off in sign language...

Smart_and_Sexyy · 3 points · Posted at 01:18:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmfao!!!

MentolKase · 9 points · Posted at 01:19:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One thing I always keep track of are my car keys. Putting groceries in the trunk? Look at the car keys before closing the trunk. Watching a movie? Check that the car keys are in my jacket at least once. At a restaurant eating? Check to see that I can feel my car keys in my jeans pocket.

One time though, I spaced out...did a mental check, couldn’t feel my car keys in my jeans pocket. Went through all the pockets in my jacket twice, sat up and checked my jeans and looked around where I was sitting, increasingly freaking the fuck out...

So yeah, I had spaced out at a traffic light and finally remembered that the keys were in the ignition. Wife in the passenger seat kinda looked at me funny.

okonomide · 8 points · Posted at 02:04:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Before I moved in with my SO, I used to wake up to him calling me on my cellphone, since I usually sleep in due to working a home-based job. One time, woke up to my phone ringing, swiped the prompt and proceeded to say "hello" for about half a minute before realizing that I just turned off the alarm I set for that day.

More recently: Just finished dinner, I picked up a bottle of Tabasco sauce, unscrewed the cap and put it on to my lips, ready to take a swig before realizing it wasn't my iced tea. The iced tea is just on a regular drinking glass.

WhiteLanternKyle · 9 points · Posted at 03:04:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate an apple. The whooole apple.

Didn't even think twice till I noticed the girl sitting next to me all wide-eyed

MemberChewbacca · 10 points · Posted at 03:38:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m am a teacher, I have definitely shushed my empty classroom when someone in the hall was being loud. It’s definitely happened more than once.

garazhaka · 10 points · Posted at 04:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at my girlfriend's and we were starting to make out.

This was during an exam period and I have been practicing surface integrals all day (for those that don't know what these are, just imagine thinking about various shapes in 3D all day).

As we're making out, I swear to God, my mind is in overdrive imagining these shapes (like her shoulder is half a sphere, a bed is a plane surface, etc).

Then she laid down on the bed, but I groaned out of frustration and said something like: "this changes all the calculations".

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 22:46:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my girlfriend, we usually bum around the house mostly nude, and the clothes come off as soon as the front door shuts. About a month ago we bought some planters and started a little herb garden in the window. I'm a bit more attached to my clothes since I get cold easily, but she gets home from work and i have to physically restrain her from flashing the neighborhood.

backstept · 7 points · Posted at 23:33:24 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got up and went to wait for the schoolbus . . . on a Sunday.

sinnysinsins · 9 points · Posted at 23:45:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my sunglasses in the refrigerator. Left them there for a while actually, it's not a bad place to keep them.

raimiska · 10 points · Posted at 23:56:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shaked my friends hand saying "happy birthday" to which he responded with "you too"

PikabrineTheFangirli · 8 points · Posted at 00:12:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, I walked into the wrong classroom, realized I was in the wrong classroom, said "Nope" out loud, and walked out of the classroom backwards.

aayam2 · 9 points · Posted at 00:13:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Chick-Fil-A and I was so used to saying “my pleasure” after a “thank you” that I would say it sometimes and I felt so awkward saying that outside of work.

mossypiglet1 · 10 points · Posted at 00:31:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put the water pitcher in the cabinet with the glasses and a glass full of water in the fridge more times than I care to admit.

zizzybalumba · 9 points · Posted at 00:37:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes pump hand soap onto my toothbrush. I've done this a half dozen times or so. Not sure why.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

zizzybalumba · 2 points · Posted at 07:43:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No urge here just a wtf did I just do that for? This being said I've yet to put the soapy toothbrush in my mouth so there's that. Maybe this is my brains way of getting my toothbrush cleaned?

TheLastSamurai · 7 points · Posted at 00:49:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day went to 7-11, vagrant dude asked me for a cigarette, I responded with:

"No, ....thank you"

I thanked him for asking me for a cigarette and letting me tell him no?

Lemmegeta20piece · 11 points · Posted at 00:54:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very very tired and slept maybe 4 hours the night before. Got up at 8 am to get ready for class, stripped down to my skimpies to put clothes on, realized I hadn't brushed my teeth. Absent-mindedly opened the door to my room to head for the bathroom and fully flashed 3 of my 4 roommates.

None of them really remember it thank god.

usmc81362 · 9 points · Posted at 01:01:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Driving on military base and get out of my car at the parking lot. Hear taps and Im in direct view of a SNCO so I throw my keys in the car and close the door to salute....I locked my door before I threw the keys in so the next minute or so I was mother f*@!$ing myself pretty good.

GolfBaller17 · 11 points · Posted at 01:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pour a lot of coffee in the mornings at my job. Once I was so tired and unprepared that I grabbed a to-go sleeve and, holding it as if there was a cup in the sleeve began to pour coffee through the hole of the sleeve.

There was no cup.

DrGyawali · 8 points · Posted at 01:06:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I have far too many times said "mom" instead of "ma'am" to female teachers.

drastickpark · 9 points · Posted at 01:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

tried to open my front door with my car key. tried to fob into work with my bus pass.

TheSwiftClick · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happy cake day!

ItsJustGizmo · 8 points · Posted at 01:10:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tattooist here.

I use ProCreate on my iPad for drawing. You can do this neat little shortcut where you sort of two finger tap the screen to Undo.

So if you're ever getting a tattoo and you feel your tat wizard suddenly two finger tap your skin, you might wanna check on him lol.

PM_TITS_4_PENS · 18 points · Posted at 22:23:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dad just yelled a us because my lil brother put the milk in the pantry and it leaked. My lil brother goes “yeah happens all the time” I’m like dude wtf

tinyswordisaknife · 15 points · Posted at 23:25:46 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

drinking coffee while smoking, reached for the bong and almost drank the water

ScarletRhi · 8 points · Posted at 22:47:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Phoned somebody and when they picked up said,

"Good Afternoon, you're speaking to ScarletRhi how can I help you today?"

oooortclouuud · 8 points · Posted at 22:52:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've walked into my downstairs neighbor's apartment.

twice.

Mark, start locking your door, man.

TidalFight65 · 9 points · Posted at 22:54:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly try to shake people's hands while already holding something

bradrudebass · 7 points · Posted at 23:00:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made a Keurig cup off coffee. Forgot the mug. Dumped the tray. Made another. Again, forgot the mug.

Black_Guns_Matter · 8 points · Posted at 23:20:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I get off the phone with my family I always tell them I love them. Well, that carried over when my softball coach called me one day...

viperyungxao · 8 points · Posted at 23:24:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once kissed someone on the top of their head as an apology, to be honest I still have no clue where it came from either... I just did it

PopularBrainsPerson · 8 points · Posted at 23:48:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was reversing my car out of a park and started stroking my passenger's hair. Normally my passenger was my girlfriend not my female cousin who I hadn't seen in 5 years.

meduses · 8 points · Posted at 23:54:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sneezed and then immediately said "bless you." My boyfriend couldn't stop laughing

chizmanzini · 7 points · Posted at 00:04:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say "yes kiddo" to everyone.

qterishma · 9 points · Posted at 00:08:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wore my wedding ring on the wrong hand for nearly a whole week without noticing. It kept twisting weird and catching on things and I still didn't notice. It took taking it off 5 days later to think "Oh wait. No wonder it's been annoying me this week."

CommandoRoll · 10 points · Posted at 01:03:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spraying my armpits with air freshener, not deodorant.

hillbillydrifter61 · 8 points · Posted at 01:08:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I my boss lady calls me, her number shows up on my phone as RESTRICTED. Well, so does my girlfriends number. The other day the phone rang, I looked down to see RESTRICTED. So I answer it by saying GOOD MORNING PUDD'IN BUTT!!!! There was a long pause and I hear my boss lady say excuse me? Then she just absolutely died laughing

mypandaisWallace · 8 points · Posted at 01:20:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a fast food restaurant and I had just gotten done with an overnight shift. My mom called me while I was on my way home and I answered the phone saying "Welcome to --golden arches-- what can I get started for you?" It took me a second to realize what I had said.

ThaneOfCawdorrr · 7 points · Posted at 01:44:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laboriously simmered the turkey giblets and herbs and vegetables all day while the Thanksgiving turkey was roasting, planning to make a home made gravy. It was finally ready, and without thinking, I put the strainer over the sink (as you do for pasta) and then watched helplessly as the entire saucepan of gravy disappeared down the sink.

IamRupe · 2 points · Posted at 13:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mom?

antony013 · 12 points · Posted at 23:10:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I fell asleep at a table near a few of my friends. After a dream of driving, I decided it was time to go home, pressed down the nonexistent clutch, and tried to reach for the stick. Confused when I felt something soft, I looked to my side and saw my bi friend just looking at me with a very suggestive look on his face. I couldn’t look at him straight in the eye for a month.

Takodah_ · 7 points · Posted at 00:03:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to sing a lot and pretty frequently I forget that I occupy the same sound space as everyone else. This is usually no big deal but this one time I was taking a massive dump causally singing hit me baby one more time in the bathroom in my dorm when I realized that someone else had been in the bathroom the entire time listing to my wonderful bowl movements as I belted out Britney Spears. It made leaving the stall very very awkward 😅😅😅

gimme_the_light · 8 points · Posted at 00:04:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

A coworker voiced that she thought she may be getting sick. I immediately turned to her and put my hand on her forehead. At some point while trying to make a judgement on her body temperature, I realized that this was not a family member, nor a friend, and that everybody watching thinks I’m weird as hell or bordering on harassment.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 00:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up had to pee. Caught myself peeing in trash can

joeltheconner · 7 points · Posted at 00:12:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Microwaved my sushi leftovers.

noodlepartipoodle · 9 points · Posted at 00:21:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My last name is the same as a famous President, and a bit hard to spell unless you can remember how that President spelled it. When I call places to make an appt or give information, I usually say, “My last name is __, as in President _ _.” So if my last name were Obama, I would say “My last name is Obama, like Barack Obama.” It’s just part of what I do, to give the person context and help with the spelling. I cannot tell you how many appts I have arrived to where they think my name is the full name of the President because they mindlessly entered that name into their system. Mind you, I’m a girl, so being referred to as “Barack Obama” at appts is rather funny. I have tried to stop saying “My last name is _, as in President _____ _____,” but It just comes out. Now I am just entertained by the names they come up with for me.

Wuchiefs · 7 points · Posted at 00:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought I was locked out of my building and couldn't figure out why my key card wouldn't work. Turns out I was swiping my debit card for 5 mins

Firebreaker · 6 points · Posted at 01:03:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know why, but I have to remind myself not to say, "Can I get a regular burrito, carne asada" at Starbucks. I've never said it, but every time I am about to order, this pops into my head.

ProfessorMarkus · 7 points · Posted at 01:03:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever certain coworkers sneeze I always say, "bless you, asshole". VP of IT walks into our corner and out of nowhere, sneezes....

the51m3n · 7 points · Posted at 01:05:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a cinema. We (coworkers) often have a good laugh when we tell guests "enjoy your movie" and they reply "you too". We'll talk to each other and be like "they never learn, ha ha.."

Just a few weeks ago, a guest told me "enjoy your shift" and I responded with the same "you too". Felt really dumb for a moment.

e__b · 6 points · Posted at 01:07:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once came home from university exhausted, got undressed, brushed my teeth, had a shower, got re dressed... went downstairs, I almost left again! I was so confused and tired. Finals week ugh

Missmurdoc · 6 points · Posted at 01:07:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work a night shift line in a nursing home, while still living with my parents, 30 mins away. Well they moved about 15 mins closer to my work after being in the same home for 20+ years...and about a week after they moved I came off a double 2pm-6am, grabbed some McDs breakfast ate it on my way home- pulled in the driveway- walked to the door, got RIGHT TO THE DOOR- and I get a text from my mom asking where I am? I stop and look around, like fuck, they don’t live here anymore - SPRINT to my car, and had to drive back the way I came because I literally drove right by their new house ... smh 🤦🏼‍♀️

choloepushoffmanni · 8 points · Posted at 01:07:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Not sure if this counts, but I instinctively tried turning on my headlights right after I walked out of the dining hall and I realized it was dark out. I wasn’t in a car or anything, just walking.

zek666 · 8 points · Posted at 01:29:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get the same double decker every day, five days a week at geney the same time. So one day, I was out with a few mates, walking down the same stretch of road. See a double decker, instinctively run for it, jump on, scan my bus pass and sit down. I got three different phone calls within a minute saying that I'm a retard, obviously. We laugh about it now, but I was so embarrassed. Unfortunately, that's bit the only time I've done that exact same thing

Beign_yay · 7 points · Posted at 01:29:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a preschool and most of my “kids” are potty training, so I’m constantly on the lookout for signs of having to go potty. I was at my housemate’s friendsgiving, when the person sitting near me began shifting in their chair uncomfortably. I immediately asked “Do you have to potty?” to a TOTAL STRANGER. She blinked and said “No...?” I wanted to die.

TheDustyJukebox · 7 points · Posted at 01:29:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was very zoned out while washing the dishes, and I dumped a shit ton of detergent on the sponge i’m using...except it wasn’t detergent, it was vegetable oil, which is the same color, the bottle looks similar and FOR SOME REASON WAS IN THE SAME PLACE AS THE DETERGENT. Apparently my mom made the same mistake earlier that day and left it there to see if someone else fell for it. The next day my brother also fell for it.

babyboyblue · 6 points · Posted at 01:29:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was pretty drunk but I think this still counts. I was on the phone after a long night and I was about to put a plate of chicken nuggets the microwave and I said “hold on let me put this plate of chicken nuggets in the microwave”. I put the plate on the side and then set the phone on the microwave for 3 minutes and pushed start. This was back in 2004 so it was an old Nokia but it immediately sparked and blew up and I realized what i had done. The girl I was talking to said she almost lost her hearing and couldn’t understand what I did to her.

BLACKMACH1NE · 6 points · Posted at 01:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a manager at a restaurant. People always come in to celebrate things like engagements and pregnancies. I’m walking the floor and mingling with tables and a lady mentioned that it’s her husbands birthday. I shook his hand and said “congratulations”. Felt kind of awkward about mid way through that one.

IcyMacaroon · 1 points · Posted at 08:39:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laughed so hard I'm choking ahahahga

Zorline · 6 points · Posted at 01:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a high end nanny for many years. Hanging out with my best friend who is on the petite side. We go to cross the street, I look both ways and immediately grab her hand. I can still feel that death glare on my skin

synesthesiah · 6 points · Posted at 02:05:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work 9-2:45 m-f for a small business (fancy small batch candy!!!) that’s at the end of my block, so the commute is nonexistent. My high functioning chronic depression ways have gotten so slick that I can wake up at 8:30 to make it to work at 9 and scrape through the days with minimal fuckups. (Boss understands my mental illness and we discuss it openly. She’s half the reason I got better because I don’t want to disappoint her)

Ive woken up on a Friday, looked at the clock that I swore said 8:48am, then proceed to freak out, hauling ass to work and making it there at 8:01am. Then texting my boss like uhh where are you?

There wasn’t a time change or anything. Just sleepy stupidity, two Fridays in a row.

marigoldsnthesun · 8 points · Posted at 02:06:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was texting a friend while standing in the living room. I sent the text, turned off the screen, and threw it in the floor. I had to walk back in the room, scratching my head, wondering why I couldn’t find my phone! My parents were in hysterics over it. I guess I decided I was done for the day!

ShepyDrapps · 7 points · Posted at 02:19:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a Pharmacy and yesterday i was on like 1000% Auto Pilot so while filling prescriptions I opened a bottle of Liquid medication and then proceeded to pour it all over the tray for counting pills. Needless to say my pharmacist had quite the laugh at my mistake.

Arkady93 · 8 points · Posted at 02:19:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shared this in another thread: Saw a girl wearing a [college I attend] sweatshirt. Excitedly told her "I go there too!". We were in class, at that college. Later that day I fell down the stairs.

bohoheathen · 7 points · Posted at 03:02:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, this was the day! Earlier I was getting some bits of trash out of my car to throw into the dumpster outside. I was carrying on a conversation as I did this and thought nothing of it. Went inside. Then I couldn’t find my phone for a while, even with Find My iPhone because it was dead. After about 20 minutes of looking, I found my phone in the goddamn dumpster. I’d been holding it while I threw out the trash and ended up tossing it in absentmindedly.

AlfredoDangles · 6 points · Posted at 03:40:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a hit from my bong and before passing it I dropped the lighter into the bong on purpose for no reason

captainyeeter · 7 points · Posted at 03:50:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

one time during college, i took a nap around 4pm. when i finally woke up it was about 6pm, and for some reason i thought it was 6am. i ate breakfast, took a shower, got dressed and left for class. i only realized halfway to my class that it wasnt getting any lighter outside.

Shadowz187 · 11 points · Posted at 22:04:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

i walked into the girls restroom today because i was on the other of the building i’m never at and the boys bathroom was on the right instead of the left like normal

banannixx · 11 points · Posted at 22:11:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on one. I almost put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge... and after I was finished eating, I put the (plastic) spoon in the sink almost dumped the (ceramic) bowl in the trash.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 12 points · Posted at 22:25:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been there a few times. Mainly yoghurt pots in the sink and metal spoons in the bin.

Itiswhatitistoo · 2 points · Posted at 01:25:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've lost 6 spoons this way!

kbb95 · 10 points · Posted at 22:38:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just now... I called out as I was getting ready to leave the house that I needed to take a birth control pill I meant to say an allergy pill. Luckily only my husband was home.

Theflowmaster · 11 points · Posted at 00:48:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I wrote “happy birthday” on a card at work... it was a condolence card for a coworkers grandma

nicecrumb · 10 points · Posted at 01:03:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty mild but I always go to the library during breaks at my school and once I just walked straight in and to my normal seat to wait for my friend, even unpacking my sketchbook and pens. I was idly wondering why no one else was in the library yet but the librarian literally didn't even say anything so I just thought I was early.

It was only 3 minutes later that I actually checked the time and I realised I still had another lesson and had to basically run out of the library.

To this day I still don't know why the librarian just really didn't give a shit that I walked in at 10am. Like??? You could have saved me the embarassment jfc.

Dovah-Krosis · 4 points · Posted at 12:35:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a student helper in the library for a while! Truth is, a lot of students were sent down during classes to finish something. Maybe she didnt know you had a class?

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 22:46:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The last assignment I ever did on the university. I had been arguing all day with a family member (not my wife, thankfully), and then I had to finish that assignment. It was like squeezing blood from a stone. I just did it to get it done. The instructor replied "I understand nothing of this". But nevertheless I passed.

It should be noted that before this I got two degrees, and was being interviewed for a PhD position. After this, my life went straight to hell...

remmyowlbean · 8 points · Posted at 23:46:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done it several times but dumping the noodles into the sink instead of the strainer. It is tragic every time it happens.

Also trying to turn the water off by turning the overhead sink switch off. Hasn’t worked yet.

LostSubject03 · 6 points · Posted at 23:52:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at a Subway, our average time to make a sandwich was around 2.5 minutes. One day, I come in so tired and drained that I can't even think about anything but what I'm doing, and can barely keep my eyes open. I help some customers, all the while not noticing my assistant manager just sitting on the side in awe as she was ringing up the orders.

After the last sandwich was made, she tells me that I was making those sandwiches in around 40-50 seconds each.

Turns out that there's a point in my tiredness that my brain started skipping all sorts of background steps, and this resulted in me being in speedrun mode irl. It must've been so weird to watch.

DITCHWORK · 7 points · Posted at 00:01:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into Walmart to get ingredients for biscuits and gravy. Got what I needed and headed to the self checkout. I scanned each item, put it in the bag and walked out. As I was driving home, I looked at my phone and realized there wasn’t a payment notification like I get for every purchase. Realized I stole like $8 from Walmart. Too embarrassed to go back.

HeroponRiki05 · 6 points · Posted at 00:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remote : Bitten

Chocolate cake : Thrown on bed

demonizzle · 6 points · Posted at 00:03:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in 4th grade. We'd stand up next to our desks every morning for the pledge of allegiance. It became second nature to put my right hand over my heart. We had music class one day a week and the music teacher would come in and we'd stand next to our desks and sing. One day I stood up and was singing and realized I had my hand over my heart. The music teacher looked at me funny at first and then smiled when she noticed I realized what I was doing as my hand shot down to my side.

upsthroaway · 7 points · Posted at 00:07:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister asked me if I was going to watch Gotham. I said: "No, I'm going to the batman...bathroom"

sublimejunkystp · 6 points · Posted at 00:08:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, I have frantically searched for my phone and made the person I was talking to 'hold on a sec' while I looked for it because it wasn't in my pocket.

lawlermon · 6 points · Posted at 00:08:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever im doing something, anything. When im ready to leave i check my pockets to see if i have everything. That eventually turned into me just smacking my own ass whenever i finish anything.

eelavaj · 5 points · Posted at 00:12:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Be me senior year of college, 18 credits for the semester(consider 12 credits is full time) part time work and volunteer. Running on 3 hours of sleep on my last month of the semester and being trained at the library at drive thru, where patrons, drive up and drop off/ pick up books they reserve. I stand up and grab the book and lay it on the pad to check it out. Doesn’t scan so I lay it back on and wait and close my eyes, trainer taps me and says “hey kid you fell asleep” feel my face grow hot as I realized i literally fell asleep for a few seconds while standing up.

TheGoodCaptainYam · 6 points · Posted at 00:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work for my city parks and rec as a groundskeeper. I had just finished closing up, got into my truck and went home. When i woke up the next day for work, i realized that i had taken the work truck home instead of my car. Not sure how i mistook the F150 for my Mazda...

Kitmit13 · 6 points · Posted at 00:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw the entire toilet roll into the toilet

TaazZzy · 6 points · Posted at 00:30:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Decided to have eggs for breakfast... so I cracked one right into the sink

CrunchyHamster · 5 points · Posted at 00:57:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sliced up a tomato and, when I was done, scraped it off the chopping board and into the bin.

NNUfergs · 7 points · Posted at 01:02:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I took a late nap and woke up around 7:50pm but my brain thought I had over slept and was going to be late for work. I got dressed got in the car, notes that it was odd that the sun was in my eyes (because it was setting in the east). I made it almost all the way to work before I realized it was still that evening. I felt so weird and I felt like I had to tell someone what happened so I called my dad and told him the story.

Edit: indeed the sun does not set in the east.

RedCB757 · 1 points · Posted at 07:53:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If the sun was setting in the east, you woke up in a parallel universe, ol' son. Lol

Pranav_H · 7 points · Posted at 01:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, I walked into a building, and saw the lady in front, instead of saying hi, i said “I’m good how are you”

‘Twas very weird

ledzelda9 · 6 points · Posted at 01:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was maybe 9 or 10 and was eating lunch with my mom and younger sister. Luckily the two of them left the room right before I decided I needed to pee cause I was really preoccupied thinking about something (can’t remember what). Next thing I know I’m standing at my kitchen trash can with one foot on the pedal holding it open, my pants dropped around my ankles and my dick in my hand aiming at the trash.

I don’t remember how I got to that moment but I do know I was standing there for at least a minute. I had a sense that something wasn’t right in the back of my head that was preventing me from peeing.

mauzinho11664 · 5 points · Posted at 01:03:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a 9yo kid going home in a school bus, and a cute girl on another bus started waving her hands to me and I showed her my middle finger. I'm sorry girl, i felt like a completely broken robot. It was not intentional, its like i had a tourette in just that moment

StonedGiants · 7 points · Posted at 01:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working a long day at my job at McDonalds, and this young asian mother with three little boys comes in to order, and the kids were all screaming. “Mom I want a happy meal!”, and instinctively I also called her mom, but she was cool with it.

samkris94 · 6 points · Posted at 01:04:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shit like 34 times a day.

This one day, I walked straight into the toilet after breakfast, with my empty plate, and stood there for about 5 minutes before I realised this is not where I wash my plate.

svvccool · 6 points · Posted at 01:04:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told the pizza man that I loved him when I was hanging up the phone

wright5899 · 6 points · Posted at 01:06:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently call my mom my girlfriend’s pet names when I’m multi-tasking and saying goodbye on the phone

FredlyDaMoose · 6 points · Posted at 01:21:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a drive-thru guy at Whataburger greet me with "Welcome to Mc- ... uh Welcome to Whataburger.."

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 01:22:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I used to work around 60 hours a week in a bar. One morning the postman called at the house at about 9am, after I had had about 4 hours sleep after the late shift. I got up to answer the door and instead of greeting him with “Hi Eugene how are you today?”, I abruptly asked him “What can I get you mate?” He didn’t exactly look impressed but took it in his stride like a pro

60svintage · 6 points · Posted at 01:35:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove around 60 km on autopilot. I remember leaving, and I remember arriving at home but absolutely no recollection of the journey in between. I was surprised to 'wake up' after having reversed into my drive.

kaslai · 7 points · Posted at 01:45:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a large man. After I was done at work for the day, I was walking out to my car in the dark. As I was walking towards the driver's side of my car from behind, a relatively small woman was approaching from the passenger side.

We both slowed down to a stop with me at the driver's door and her behind the car. We were paying close attention to what the other was doing at this point. After about 5 to 10 seconds of us just staring at each other, she finally said: "What are you doing with my car?"

I looked behind me and realized my car was actually two parking spots away. I just said "oh... that's my car" and went away as fast as I could. I didn't even apologize. Hopefully I didn't scare her too badly :(

GuyNamedWhatever · 6 points · Posted at 02:00:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a habit in high school of eating a snack for the last period of my senior year because I didn’t have class. I’d usually eat an apple or something once school was out and then throw the stuff away when I get home. It was spring, so I would usually throw the apple core into the woods in my backyard cause ya know, it’s biodegradable.

One day I get out of my car and just huck my keys into a fucking tree. Apple core wasn’t in my throwing hand.

snowskelly · 6 points · Posted at 02:04:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After working for 10 months in a call center, I now have two lifelong urges.

  1. The compulsion to say “this call may be recorded” after opening the call.

  2. If someone stops talking, I’ll say, “Due to no response I’ll release the call.”

I also still have to bite my tongue to stop from saying, “Thank you for calling [collections agency based out of Bloomington, IL].” I answered hundreds of calls a day with that same phrase, and it’s a hard habit to break.

LiveMaI · 6 points · Posted at 02:06:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning at work, I brew tea in the break room, take it to my desk, and put two of those little disposable cups of coffee creamer in it. On a morning where I was mentally absent, I opened the first cup of creamer and started pouring the cream into the trash can next to my desk. My office has an open floor plan, so I'm pretty sure at least one of my coworkers saw me do this.

Betteroffdeaderer · 6 points · Posted at 02:11:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't know if it counts but once I hit my head really hard during dodgeball- like, pass out for a few seconds kind of hard.

When I came to, my supervisor (work event) guided me to the sidelines and gave me a water. I opened the bottle. Looked her right in the eye. And started pouring it on the floor while attempting to drink from the bottom.

She asked me, "Is this because you hit your head or is this a betteroffdeaderer thing?"

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:59:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I babysit a lot and my friends also really like to look at animals, so whenever I see them I point them out. I was riding a public bus with one of my friends and a bunch of strangers, and I saw a cat outside the bus window walking around a bush. I was excited and I wanted to make sure she didn’t miss it because the bus was moving, so I full on shouted “LOOK AT THE CAAAAAAT”. But then the cat turned around. It was a horrifying and angry possum. And I full on blood-curdling screamed in front of all the strangers out of surprise

Knightskye02 · 6 points · Posted at 03:02:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a teacher to high schoolers I've started monitoring the behaviour of adults with my 'teacher look' and 'teacher's voice'. "Don't be rude." "Was that the respectful thing to do?" "I can't talk to you while you're this upset. Go get a drink of water." My partner hates it.

15_percent_on_Thurs · 5 points · Posted at 03:05:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once was making my lunch in the morning before I left for school, and I got out the ham and mustard like normal. I had completely made the sandwich and put it in the bag before I realized that I had actually not grabbed the ham but had instead grabbed the packet of raw bacon and made myself a raw bacon sandwich. One of my friends has that as my contact name now so I can’t forget about it either

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 03:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car needed a new battery. No problem, nearest store that carried the battery I need is 2 miles away. I can make it.

Got my keys, locked the door, walked to my car, got in, tried to start it, realized I'm a dumbass.

StephCurie · 7 points · Posted at 04:16:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blow on ice cream

silliestboots · 7 points · Posted at 04:34:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a customer I loved them on a phone call, blush

His response was great, though. “Now that’s what o call customer service.”

caffqueen17 · 6 points · Posted at 06:23:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a pizza place all through high school. One morning in class we stood up for the pledge of allegiance and I recited very loudly and confidently, hand over heart, “Thank you for calling Little Caesars Pizza....”

TheWiseTeapot · 6 points · Posted at 09:05:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night I was completely exhausted after a busy day at work. I collapsed into bed and started to close my eyes. My husband said "I love you" and I responded with "no problem."

He still laughs about it years later.

Auskelis · 36 points · Posted at 22:59:51 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been flying commercial planes for nearly 20 years. When I first started out, let's just say that things got a little wacky on occasion. It was pre-9/11, so airplanes were essentially bouncy houses in the sky - everything goes. One morning, we've just hit cruising altitude on our way outta Taiwan. The night before, I had gone out to this incredible restaurant/strip club/cocaine den/open mic, and needless to say, my stomach was as wigged out as Lady Gaga's scalp on a performance night.

My copilot, Rex, was taking a nap, and Rex is NOT the kinda guy that you wanna wake up. I once saw him put an alligator in an arm bar for looking at his lady the wrong way. He actually made the thing cry. It would be a better story if it was a crocodile, because then I could make a joke about crocodile tears, but the fact is that it was an alligator, so here we are.

Anyway, I just pop on the auto-pilot and get up to make my business. I get into the sky pooper, and not a minute goes by before we hit some heavy turbulence. I'm bouncing up and down like a toddler on a Catholic priest. Diarrhea is getting absolutely everywhere.

Eventually, I manage to get my pants up around my ass and run into the cockpit. I find Rex still asleep, and I realize that instead of engaging the auto pilot, I had pressed the button to brew a new pot of coffee. After that incident, the FAA required all food and drink controls to be separated from the plane instruments.

TuneOfTheWeak · 8 points · Posted at 02:26:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Read the whole thing, read a few more, came back to this one and realized you're a son of a bitch.

kristykrab · 6 points · Posted at 01:55:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well at least something good came of it, and it never happened again.

IAMENKIDU · 5 points · Posted at 22:50:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I blank out randomly and stared into space, but when I came to I realized I was staring at some individual square in the face, and they're giving me this terrified look.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 22:54:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have started the coffee pot several times in my life and forgot to put the pot or cup under it.

CFOF · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ditto.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 23:06:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put bread in the fridge because I decided I didn't really want a sandwich

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 23:21:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flying northwest flight 188. Got distracted by laptop. Well over an hour without talking to atc, landed in Minneapolis like an hour late due to over shooting it by about 150 miles lol, oops.

Not me, but yeah, that happened.

Rlee3687 · 6 points · Posted at 23:25:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the shower while wearing my socks

ceremonialsloth · 5 points · Posted at 23:25:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have to scan into work with a badge to unlock doors. I've attempted to scan basically everything I've ever been holding while walking into work (phone, wallet, keys) as well as tried to "scan" into unlocked doors, resulting in me just hitting an ID card against a wall and looking at the door waiting for the unlocking "click"

mturner11 · 5 points · Posted at 23:26:04 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 11 I was at the local swimming pool with my class at school and sort of talking to /walking behind a girl I had a crush on. Not thinking I walked into the womens changing rooms. I'll never forget the embarrassment I felt. But I did see boobs, then ran away and got told off for running by the pool by the lifeguard.

Weaknesses · 4 points · Posted at 23:42:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been training my dog weekly 1 on 1 with a local dog training facility. I whistle to get my dogs attention, to sit, to come, to acknowledge my existence (!!!)

AnywYs, I keep accidentally whistling at my friends when I’m trying to get their attention. I’ve been able to play it off sometimes

Lucavon · 5 points · Posted at 23:43:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kept drinking from an empty cup because I was so focused

shinysharpshot · 5 points · Posted at 23:57:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always open the car door for my wife. At first I did it to be cute while we were dating, but then just kept doing it out of habit. Then one day I'm picking my brother up from his house and as we're walking back to my car I just automatically opened the passenger door for him, to which he was like, "ummm, thanks?". I was stunned for a few seconds when I realized what I was doing, then just kinda nervous laughed and said, "haha, you got it bro."

wake_iw · 4 points · Posted at 23:57:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking through airport security last week, chatting with girlfriend as we got to X-ray area.

Still chatting and took off shoes, jacket, belt, started to take off jeans...

Security Guard was “Ahem!”

I snapped out of it straight away - mortified!

Girlfriend hadn’t noticed initially but almost collapsed with laughter at that point.

Absolutely mortified

Boudicca13 · 5 points · Posted at 00:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever my husband burps I like to imitate him. So whenever he burps I respond with, "ba-rup!" Or whatever sound it is that time.

Until I did it to a friend without thinking. He just stared at me as I turned bright red and giggled.

Stairway_To_Devin · 5 points · Posted at 00:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I answer my phone a start saying “thank you for calling...” then I realize my mistake and say hello

Also, I say “how we doin?” Every time I check out at the store, so now I just use self checkout

JesusMcAwesome · 5 points · Posted at 00:12:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited for autocorrect to pop-up on my paper exam

laylaaye · 2 points · Posted at 05:59:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once tried to Ctrl+D by taping the table with my fingers rather than using an eraser, then proceeded to grab a non existence mouse rather than my pen

lucid_turnip · 5 points · Posted at 00:27:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to scroll up on a piece of paper as if it was a tablet.

Old_Man_Robot · 5 points · Posted at 00:28:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once on the phone with a woman who was at some sort of private/house party.

I'd been talking to her for sometime when I needed to end the call and go do something else. As I was about to hang up, we had the following exchange:

Oh wait, before you go, do you want a drink?

What, like, over the phone?

Umm, I guess not then

AmyxKate · 5 points · Posted at 00:45:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work drive thru at Tim Hortons. I once answered the phone ‘welcome to Tim Hortons, may I take your order, please?’. I was at home and it was my cell phone.

hollybinx · 5 points · Posted at 00:45:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go thru the drive in, pay for my food, and drive right off without stopping at the window to pick up my order.

XT3RM1N8R · 5 points · Posted at 01:01:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent several minutes looking for an outfit, only to give up and put something else on, only to realize that I was already wearing the clothes.

Bosoric · 4 points · Posted at 01:01:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a sandwich maker during college and picked up the phone after a particularly busy lunch rush and hurriedly answered "Lettuce-tomato-onion?". Thankfully they laughed it off. I was still mortified though.

stuetel · 4 points · Posted at 01:02:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a bathroom to myself in which I had everything laying in the exact same spot all the time. E.g. deodorant was always on the mirror shelf, hairbrush on my bathroom cabin, creams in the top drawer, toothbrush in the holder in the sink, toothpaste laying on the left side of the sink, etc.

We had a cousin over from across the world and he brought his girlfriend. She was just a few years older than me so kind of like a big sister I never had. At one point she burned her finger while cooking for us. Usually my bathroom is a no go for anyone, but since she's a woman and I am too, and we clicked, I took her to my bathroom to perform first aid. I let her cool her finger under some lukewarm water and grabbed my first aid bag, which contained bandages and all of that. I grabbed a tube of Bepanthen and gave it to her. Since I had to go back to watch the food I told her to keep her finger under the water for a few more minutes, apply the Bepanthen and then put a bandage on the burn. Then I went back to the kitchen.

Skip to later that day around midnight, I was basically dead from the long day we had and just wanted to quickly run my toothbrush through my mouth before crawling into my bed. What I didn't know was that my cousins girlfriend left the tube of Bepanthen right next to my toothpaste. I always do my night routine on autopilot because like I mentioned before, I have everything always in the exact same spot. So I grabbed my toothbrush and grabbed what J thought was my toothpaste, putting it on the toothbrush before quickly starting to brush my teeth. It took me a solid 20 seconds before I realised that something was tasting horribly bitter and it also felt really greasy in my mouth. When I finally looked down I realised I had been brushing my teeth with the Bepanthen. I spit everything out, got a new toothbrush because it didn't wanna wash off, brushed my teeth with toothpaste for at least 5 times. But it didn't work. I had a very gross taste in my mouth and a greasy layer on the inside of my cheeks and the roof of my mouth for the next 5 days. When I told everyone at breakfast the next morning they all laughed at me. And I actually managed to laugh too at that point. This was 4 years ago and to this day I still check all the products I use, especially if it goes into my mouth!

nado121 · 5 points · Posted at 01:05:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week at a friend's house I reverse-pinched a photo to zoom in. It was in a printed catalogue.

Isabonny · 6 points · Posted at 01:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were watching a video in one of my classes involving some sort of musical performance. When it ended, my brain clearly did not process the situation correctly, so I started applauding. There was no hiding my embarrassment.

BordomBeThyName · 4 points · Posted at 01:07:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  1. At work, we have badges with RFID chips that you need to scan to get through doors. I've tried to use my badge to get into both my car and my apartment. Each time, I've stood there for 5-10 seconds with my badge on the doorknob/handle trying to figure out what was going wrong.

  2. Also at work, I get coffee so often that sometimes I'll print something and then walk to the coffee machine. I'll usually stand there for a few seconds trying to figure out why I'm not holding my mug.

RedDelirium · 4 points · Posted at 01:09:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I work insane hours in the lead up to Christmas I get tired and out of sorts. One day a cashier at Target said "do you need your receipt?" My response "can I get you anything else?"

Twas awkward, but being in retail herself she had a good laugh.

RedEyeJedi559 · 6 points · Posted at 01:09:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling my teacher Mom.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 01:10:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working in Tim Horton and a car drove up to the drive thru at around 2:30 in the afternoon. Usually, I'm supposed to greet them, have them pay and pass them their meal before bidding them goodbye. However, I'd been working since 7 in the morning, beyond exhausted, and was startled when I noticed them. As soon as the car pulls up to the window I enthusiastically half screamed for them to "have a good day!" Which confused everyone. The people in the car all burst out laughing at me before i snapped out of it and profusely apologized.

Lou635 · 5 points · Posted at 01:11:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After loading my wet clothes into a laundromat dryer I threw my quarters in with the wet clothes and attempted to insert my dryer sheet into the quarter slot(s)

benharlow77 · 5 points · Posted at 01:11:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The good old freaking out because you’ve lost your glasses but you’re wearing them

captainmidday · 6 points · Posted at 01:11:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got up, poured myself a nice bowl of cheerios, added tap water and ate about half before I knew something was up.

Wimplow81 · 5 points · Posted at 01:23:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked with a double ear infection and a high fever for almost a month before the wife forced me to go see my doctor. He was pissed I worked so long feeling so terrible. Gave me antibiotics biotics and a week off. This was in September of 2015 I still have no memory of that month what so ever. Was on complete auto pilot.

JazzHandsNinja · 5 points · Posted at 01:29:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a night of drinking I proceeded to pee Into my friends moms trashcan thinking it was a toilet. She came out of her room mid piss( trash can was in the kitchen right next to her room ) and I greeted her pleasantly like nothing was wrong. Also , the other day I got into the back seat of my car and wondered where the fuck my steering wheel went.

sailinwaylin · 4 points · Posted at 01:29:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In preface I teach karate classes and we always bow in and out of any room we leave or door we go through. So one night after sparring a few fellow in structure and I were hungry so we all decide to go to a McDonald’s just down the way. Perfectly normal meal until we go to leave. Yep you guessed it. I bowed out of the McDonald’s which is still something my fellow instructors will not let me live down.

poor-unfortunatesoul · 5 points · Posted at 01:29:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stole a tank of gas once. Back in the day before you had to pre pay. I filled up, then went inside and got some snacks and went to the register. They normally would ask if you got any gas but this time they didn’t. So I paid for my snacks and left. It wasn’t until later that night I realized that I had more money in my wallet than I should have had. I went back to the store but they had closed. I thought there was going to be cops waiting for me at home. Nothing. I went back the next day and explained what happened and paid for my gas. They told me that they reviewed security tapes with the cops and thought it was the guy in front of me in line. They even went to his house!

collectadot · 6 points · Posted at 01:32:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably will get buried but here goes: Ive worked in kitchens almost 15 years and whenever I am grocery shopping and reach the end of an isle I instinctively belt out "CORNER!"

Gabinsca · 6 points · Posted at 01:39:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was drinking a soda from McDonald’s and reaching for my glasses to put them on. I got mixed up and put my glasses in my mouth and stabbed my eye with the soda straw.

Valorumguygee · 4 points · Posted at 01:39:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really sick one week in college and had been keeping water by my bedside in case I woke up and needed fluid. In my 19 year old mind I figured I would Fabreze the heck out of my room thinking it would make a healthier environment. (yeah, I know... sigh...)

Well I woke up that night and reached for some water and grabbed the Fabreze instead. My feverish and tired head knew instantly how the spray bottle functioned, but missed the part where you shouldn't put that in your mouth.

About three or four swallows later, I fully woke up.

MungusWhale · 5 points · Posted at 01:41:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shit myself on the toilet before. Seat was up, pants were too.

emotional11223 · 5 points · Posted at 01:42:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was squeezing a tube and trying to get the last bit out and I start drooling. Client says "Are you drooling?" What else could I say but "Yes."

Keanpa623 · 5 points · Posted at 01:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work a job that requires me to show my hands front and back before withdrawing them from a table (like a card dealer, but not that). It's so automatic that I do it frequently in real life: Look at some mustard, set it back on the shelf, flip hands. Finish a beer, drop the can in recycle bin, flip hands. Go to Home Depot, put tools on conveyor belt at checkout, flip hands.

Totally automatic.

734842424201 · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That would make me suspicious of some magic trick that was being perpetrated in front of me

EducatedEvil · 5 points · Posted at 01:44:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My 9 year old son shaved off his eyebrows. When I asked him why he said "I don't know. I was on autopilot."

VoiceOfGosh · 5 points · Posted at 01:58:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to work with no shoes on. Full suit and tie! NOOOOO shoes.

janello710 · 5 points · Posted at 02:05:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking out to my car after work, panicked and thought “oh no, what if I left my keys at home?” despite clearly having driven myself to work.

Also, I was holding my keys.

rtothewin · 6 points · Posted at 02:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked ina call center. Ended a call with a guy, "love you" and he auto piloted right back, "love you too". We are both guys used to talking to our wives.

1EspirituLibre · 5 points · Posted at 02:05:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my phone to the bathroom, brushed my teeth then grabbed my phone when I finished and left the bathroom.
When I got into bed, I looked at my phone and realized it was the toothpaste instead.

jannaface · 5 points · Posted at 02:05:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was very pregnant I woke up at my usual ‘I’m gonna wet the bed!’ 3am internal alarm. Got up so tired from not sleeping well for weeks (because being pregnant) and so done with being pregnant and stumbled in the dark to the bathroom. I put up the seat, sat down, and started peeing. Yup, I was peeing in my underwear on the toilet.

hermoingo · 5 points · Posted at 02:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but after a long work day my boyfriend was putting groceries away and I woke up the next day, groggy as hell, to find a frozen pizza in the silverware drawer.

sealamb1 · 5 points · Posted at 02:06:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried filling a glass with water from the tap for about a full minute before I realised the glass was upside down

robinsparklz1 · 6 points · Posted at 02:15:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I preface this story with Im a lady.

I was really nervous for my first day of law school, drank a lot of coffee - therefore had to pee what felt like every 30 seconds. I was running late to some lunch the school was hosting for the first years, but had to pee, so I quickly run into the bathroom, drop trow and start doing my business as quickly as possible.

But then it felt really warm?

I looked down and realized that while I did drop my trousers, I DID NOT DROP THE UNDERGARMENTS. I peed my underwear. At law school. FML.

cebeezly82 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol feel yeah Waring light tan pants and had to pee for like 4 hours I'm already the only male in a room filled with 90 women during the first day of my Master's in social work, plus I'm blind. Which makes me stand out more. Go to the urine hole where I commenced to piss an entire bladder on the front of my pants. This was one of those classes that one couldn't be missed more than twice a semester which would have been a prob, but I had 2 kids and a shit ton of homework so knew I would need the days. I'm very careful now, especially in a college as densely populated as that

TasteCicles · 4 points · Posted at 02:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always call my wife "baby" and one day at family dinner I was talking to my younger sister and ended a sentence with "baby... sister..."

Everyone knew I had slipped up, but the recovery made it funny for everyone.

SpaceGandalf116 · 6 points · Posted at 02:46:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to start my car with my phone. No, I don't have a newer car. I tried to stick my phone in the ignition. Took me like 3 minutes to figure out why my wife was in tears.

MN_SuB_ZeR0 · 5 points · Posted at 02:50:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other night I saw a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. I grabbed his hand like a normal handshake then placed my own hand over it and kissed it. I have no idea why that happened, Juan I'm sorry.

backyardroses · 4 points · Posted at 03:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my boyfriend had been dating for like two weeks and after a day of hanging out at his house he walked me to my car. I was exhausted and I kissed him and said "bye love you" and got on my car and headed home. I didn't realize what I'd said until I was down the street and was internally screaming the entire drive home.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 03:01:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my daughter was like 4 weeks old I took her to my moms house to visit with the family. Everyone was sitting in the living room and all of a sudden I start full blown panicking because I cannot find the baby.... because I was already holding the baby.

Memnochthedevil760 · 5 points · Posted at 03:01:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work in a detention facility where we used ID cards with microchips to open most doors. We also had physical keys for big gates and small locks, etc. Once spent about 30 seconds waving my ID card in front of a master lock on my file cabinet in my office.

Miikeymt · 5 points · Posted at 03:02:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

pressing the unlock button on my car key fob trying to get into my house

superflyjasper · 4 points · Posted at 03:05:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My buddy and I both have broken up with our girlfriends then within the same two weeks of time. One night we went out to dinner with a group of friends and were sitting there eating and chatting and doing the usual. He was extremely used to touching his girlfriends thigh and I was extremely used to have my girlfriend touch my thigh. So we kinda just sat there chatting while he touched my thigh back and forth for like 15 minutes straight. Laughed our asses off when we realized what happened and we still joke about it now 6 years later.

orangerussia · 6 points · Posted at 03:11:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working as a dental assistant, I was showing a patient to the restroom. I opened the door and told them the lights were automatic. The embarrassong/hilarious part? As I was turning to leave, i made finger guns and said "have fun in there" with no concious effort or reasoning.

DrunkAndNoPants · 5 points · Posted at 03:27:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to crack a couple of eggs in a dish to scramble up for breakfast a few months ago.

The bowl I intended on cracking them into was right next to the sink.

I cracked both of them on the side of the bowl, and split them directly into the sink and stared at the result for at least a minute.

khfrisbee90 · 4 points · Posted at 03:40:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The most common for me

Walking past a coworker

Coworker: "Hey, what's up?"

Me: "Good, thanks...oh"

iwditt2018 · 5 points · Posted at 03:49:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent hours making a nice vegetable stock. Went to drain the vegetables out of the stock and ending up pouring all the stock downt he sink.

iamcodymack · 5 points · Posted at 03:50:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my ex poured a coffee, stirred it, carefully carried a spoonful of coffee and dumped it into the sugar bowl.

CrazyJacket · 5 points · Posted at 03:50:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked up to, opened the door, and put the seatbelt on in someone’s else’s car who had the same model and color as mine in a parking lot. I immediately ran out of the car and hid.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 03:51:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get up every morning before the rest of the family, bathe, get dressed in my school uniform and pack my breakfast lunch and snacks before leaving. During the winter months, it'll still be dark out when I get dressed.

My cousins stayed with me during this time and we all slept on mattresses on the living room floor. And usually they'd still be asleep or in bed when I was done getting dressed.

One evening around 7pm, I had gone for a shower (very unlike me to take a shower at night) and by the time I was out, my cousins were awake but in bed. They had the TV on and my parents were milling around talking about something.
I went to the room our clothes were stored in, in my towel and hurriedly dressed in my uniform and came back out. My cousins watched the entire thing. I went to the fridge and started putting together my lunch and then took my bicycle keys to leave the house. Only when i had unlocked the bicycle did someone stop me. I would have actually gone all the way to school if they hadn't stopped me!

iamthepixie · 6 points · Posted at 04:34:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was setting up new LED rope lights in my room. I plugged them in and they didn’t turn on. I was like damn ... so I read the instruction sheet and it says to cut this plastic part on the rope light before it will work.

I think OH! and grab my scissors and cut the part

HOLY SHIT REDDIT.

I left the damn things plugged IN.

I shocked myself so bad my arm and jaw twitches and burnt my finger tips. I also scared the ever loving hell out of myself.

Had to buy new rope lights.

jordoonearth · 5 points · Posted at 04:34:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I attempt to unlock the front door of my house with my car remote almost weekly...

I've opened the fridge in the morning a few times to find a box of cereal - so obviously the milk was in the cereal cupboard...

I've picked my kid's lunch up at daycare...

I've called the wrong cable company for service support - a year after changing providers. I was working for the other cable provider at the time.

I almost booked plane tickets to the wrong country - averted at the last moment only because a friend recommended flying into a smaller airport..

I booked the wrong week off work for a vacation after paying for a resort package - May instead of March...

I've left my house keys in the front door of my house thrice - and the second time I broke into my house through a window only to realize that I had not even locked the door...

Edit: Adding more because now the floodgates are open..

Ordered a drink at the bar - a highball. Seconds later proceeded to drink someone else's beer from a glass that the waitress had just dropped off from cleaning a nearby table..

I have purchased groceries - shopped, paid - then walked the hell away.

On the same note - I've paid with a credit card at the same grocery store and then waited very patiently for change... For almost an entire minute.. clerk just staring at me silently...

Got on the wrong bus and rode a full thirty minutes to a former residence after class.. in a completely different municipality...

Worked at a bowling alley as a mechanic and would occasionally pick up shifts in the kitchen. I was working the machines and I would occasionally step in to cook for a few minutes to allow the actual cook to leave for a cigarette break. When he came back - I went home - four hours left in my shift... Thought he was relieving me...

I have locked my keys in a car twice within a two hour period...

I've left my credit card on the dashboard of my car after buying a parking ticket at a machine..

Have added items to grocery carts that are not my own as well as tried to walk away with another person's cart - separate incidents..

Have drank a sip of water from the brush-wash mug thinking it was my coffee while painting.

I hand wash the dishes in my household. While running the water I've carefully unloaded a full rack of clean and dry dishes back into the sink.

I've driven into work a number of times - whereas I usually bus - and left my car at work. Walking up to an empty driveway after getting off the bus only to realize that I need to turn around and head back to the office.. not a one-time event for me...

Bought my bus pass for the next-coming month a week ahead of time. On the way out I donated the months current buspass to a charity program that uses them as vouchers to give kids free access to rec centres. Didn't occur to me what I had done until I tried to get on the bus home at the end of that day and suddenly the card wasn't scanning.

I really shouldn't be allowed to live independently....

heartless_13 · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You poor thing 😂

MaoZeBigDong · 6 points · Posted at 06:22:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wanted to microwave some pizza: 1. Got pizza from fridge 2. Placed pizza on plate 3. Insert pizza on plate into fridge, and closed the door 4. Felt like an idiot

Ithrowawayboomerangs · 5 points · Posted at 07:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was meeting friends at a restaurant I'd only been to once and is a remodeled house. When I get there the parking is full, so I park about 3 houses away. I get out of the car, walk to the door, go inside, grab a seat near the counter and start asking the lady there about our reservation.

I was in a family's house, the house I parked at. The people in the kitchen (setting up the table to eat) were just speechless and didn't move, just staring at me in confusion. Took me about 5 seconds to put the pieces back together, apologize, and get out. I heard a few giggles as I closed the door. Then I walked to the actual restaurant.

ayitsnick · 6 points · Posted at 08:19:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

me and my giriflrend always jam our fingers in each others mouths when we catch the other yawning. its been a bit awkward muscle-memory in the work setting

hairynips007 · 6 points · Posted at 19:33:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was eating an apple on my morning drive to work. Turned out to be kind of mushy and brown, so I nonchalantly throw this apple as hard as I can out the passenger window to get it into the woods. My window was up

Nigel_IncubatorJones · 1 points · Posted at 19:53:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done the same thing with a half eaten banana. On the way to work too.

mannbo · 5 points · Posted at 20:28:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend was over with their 3 year old girl and I dropped a chip on the floor. I then proceeded to point at it with my toe for the 3 year to eat like I do with my dog, in front of the mother.

_black_gazebo_ · 5 points · Posted at 21:21:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cooking pasta the other night and when it was finished I grabbed the strainer and dumped the boiling pot in... standing in the middle of the kitchen not near any sink right above my bare feet. Ouch.

Sappness · 5 points · Posted at 23:25:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I take garbage bags out, I have to repeat to myself the whole trip "the garbage bag is in my left hand", because I have thrown my handbag there a couple of times. And couple of times have went to work with a garbage bag...

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:37 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Omg haha you got all the way to work before you realised? Did someone point it out or did you click yourself?

Sappness · 3 points · Posted at 10:19:14 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yep, when I got to my workplace's door, I was just "hold on, why am I carrying stuff with my both hands". Was luckily able to throw it out there :'D No one saw, but they heard it because I had to announce it right away when I got in. I think this kind of stuff comes way too naturally for me.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 15:37:05 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just realised you said this happened more than once? How tf did it happen again haha

Sappness · 2 points · Posted at 10:01:35 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have had a long, long life... :(

gufis253 · 4 points · Posted at 05:21:16 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use transit daily. I take a bus, then the skytrain (subway, but primarily above ground). I'm also Canadian. We thank our bus drivers as we get off. I definitely out loud thanked the driverless, automated, very FULL skytrain one very early morning.

HellsSnack · 6 points · Posted at 05:29:32 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

When ever I’m a passenger in a car I always call out the names of animals as we pass them. I’m just learning to drive, and every time my dad takes me out for practice I automatically do this, even if I see them for a split second (yes I make sure not to get distracted). He just tells me to keep my eyes on the road , but I can’t help it. Today while driving I saw 4 cats, 2 dogs, 6 crows, and 5 squirrels. I got scolded 17 times!

designgoddess · 5 points · Posted at 06:08:27 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stood at the train platform for an embarrassingly long time before realizing it was Saturday morning. Showered, got dressed and parked in an empty parking lot while on autopilot after waking up.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 06:20:52 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rolled over in bed and kissed my wife in the middle of the night. Forgot my buddy and I decided to share a bed upstairs and the wives downstairs so we could get up super early to fish without waking them.... awkward.

elefanteguerrero · 5 points · Posted at 11:28:57 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped using straws to drink after using them for all my life. I was talking to a friend while holding a glass with soda. I slowly poured the drink in my chest while having my mouth open, tongue out, trying to find the straw.

pandeias · 5 points · Posted at 17:16:24 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dentist put his thumb in my mouth during my cleaning and I sucked it

vibratingtoad · 9 points · Posted at 01:03:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was an exhausted new mom of twins I was flipping through a flyer in the stack of mail on my counter. I wanted to look at an item closer, so I tried to pinch zoom the flyer, repeatedly, and got frustrated when it wouldn't zoom in.

rubberflamingo · 9 points · Posted at 23:16:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go back and read how many times you’ve replied “oh no!” 😂

kathysef · 9 points · Posted at 01:07:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every one of these are awesome. I've been laughing out loud !!!!

legendariel · 3 points · Posted at 22:43:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't remember doing it so I assume I was auto-piloting hard, but I put my book in the linen closet. The next day I had no idea where I put it and got so frustrated I bought the Kindle version. When i found it a while later it was a very wtf moment. Have also put my keys/phone in the fridge when putting away groceries.

[deleted] · 5 points · Posted at 23:04:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Love you, bye” at the end of my voicemail I was leaving for a delivery service.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 23:12:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk where the cereal box goes and the cereal box in the fridge.

Took me till the milk went smelly to notice

himynameisbetty · 3 points · Posted at 23:26:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my boss “mom.” As an adult. In front of coworkers. Never lived it down!

RedKamo · 5 points · Posted at 23:41:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up to find myself drinking an ancient moldy cup of Mountain Dew (I was a very messy/disorganized 20 year old). 2/10.

javox12 · 4 points · Posted at 23:52:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Excuse my english, its not the best. My girlfriend house and the metro station I used to get to my school are on the same bus route, so one day, on my way to her house, I saw the metro station, panicked as the bus was starting to move, and got down. Then standing there I realized that it was saturday and I dont have classes on saturday. Had to wait a couple of minutes for another bus.

michaelbres · 4 points · Posted at 23:53:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holding a cracker in one hand and my phone in the other, then proceeding to put my phone in my mouth and throwing the cracker on the couch.

RathrDash1ng · 3 points · Posted at 23:55:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently went bowling with my friends and when I went to change into the bowling shoes somehow my brain failed to call the "change shoes" function and instead began to execute the "change pants" function as I reached for my belt. Luckily I caught myself and played it off as adjusting my pants before sitting down.

Beoftw · 4 points · Posted at 23:55:55 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

my mom woke me up before school one morning because the doctor had called me and wanted to ask me something, i apparently had a full conversation, hung up, and went back to sleep. I have no memory of even waking up to answer it and I have no idea what the hell I said or if I even said anything at all lol.

iSluff · 4 points · Posted at 23:57:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my retainer in my wallet instead of its case. Only realised when I was gonna buy something.

AllyGLovesYou · 5 points · Posted at 00:00:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a friend of mine. In his math class his teacher was talking about her boyfriend for some reason, then after continuing the lesson they talked about nationalities and she said "I think I have some German in me" and my friend blurted out "oh so your boyfriend's German?" without really thinking cuz that's the kind of shit he likes to say. Luckily he didnt get in trouble but it was super funny

camthegodoflol · 4 points · Posted at 00:04:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had some frozen bread that I wanted to toast and got really annoyed that it had "frozen out of shape" so that it didn't fit in the toaster. My mum then walked over to the toaster and turned them the other way round. I was putting them in the wrong way round.

ThatFlappingTerror · 4 points · Posted at 00:04:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to put my belt buckle into the ignition of my car. Never felt so stupid.

GodDamnFarmShaman · 3 points · Posted at 00:04:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drank out of tabasco bottle when I didn’t even order a beer with the meal.

smek1 · 4 points · Posted at 00:05:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got ready for work on my day off. That's when I knew I needed a vacation.

thedancinghippie · 5 points · Posted at 00:07:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one time I was at a party in high school, rolling a blunt, surrounded by people chatting. This one girl sitting next to me was really bothering me for some reason, either a vapid personality or something about her voice, I don't remember. On total auto-pilot I turn and look at her and ask "has anybody ever tried to drown you before?" She looks so shocked and could barely mutter out a "that was really rude." It took me a good few seconds to figure out what I said, and mumble some lame apology as we quickly got away from each other (can't remember which one of us got up to leave). I was so mortified, probably the meanest thing I've said to someone who wasn't a sibling.

geftimov · 3 points · Posted at 00:24:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to remove the tea bag out of my tea, but threw the tea in the garbage instead.

squeekstir · 3 points · Posted at 00:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving the remote in the fridge, I don't know why but this is a really common theme in my family.

SelfAwareOstrich · 4 points · Posted at 00:36:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got so used to reading things on my iPad that when I was reading a book I swiped my finger up the page when I got to the bottom and paused for a second before I realized I had to physically turn the page.

Bubba421 · 3 points · Posted at 00:41:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up, went to my brother's room, and started pissing on the floor.

skaaly6 · 2 points · Posted at 00:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate my brother too

Bubba421 · 3 points · Posted at 03:05:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was by accident, I love my brother.

skaaly6 · 2 points · Posted at 03:28:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love my brother too, is would do everything to make sure he didn’t get screwed over, but i would to anything to land the joke, including screwing over my brother.

SparkytheStuntDog · 4 points · Posted at 00:45:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my old job:

Me:"Hi welcome to taco bell, how are you doing today? "

Customer: "I'm good, how are you?"

Me: "I'm great, how are you?"

It was early and I don't English good.

TurtleRocket · 4 points · Posted at 01:02:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in 2nd grade and I accidentally called her "grandma". At that time I was living with my grandparents

Screamqueen47 · 4 points · Posted at 01:02:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at subway for years and was basically programmed to say “welcome to subway” every time the little censor noise went off when people entered the store. I can’t tell you how many times in different stores I yelled “welcome to subway” if they had a similar censor noise when people came in.

Marunn · 4 points · Posted at 01:02:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I just call my friends "Mom" without noticing, mostly because I used to spend a lot of time with my mom when I was younger as a only daughter of a single mother. Nowadays most of my friends don't even bat an eyelash when I do it, but it made for a lot of uncomfortable situations in the past.

At least I can say I outgrew the "calling all the teachers mom" phase.

peculiar_pandabear · 4 points · Posted at 01:03:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but when my brother was around 5 or 6 he needed to poo in the middle of the night, so he went to the bathroom.

He sat down and shit.

On the carpet, not the toilet.

timtjtim · 3 points · Posted at 01:03:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took the box of teabags out of the cupboard. Took a teabag out and put it in the mug. Poured the boiling water into the box. Ruined about 30 teabags

TheIconoclastic · 3 points · Posted at 01:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a chef I will say "corner!" Really loud in public when turning a blind corner.

georgewyeth · 3 points · Posted at 01:06:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I was in school I walked past my Biology teacher and said hi like “Hey how are you?” He responds “Good thanks, you?” And I then automatically responded “Yeah I’m good thanks, you?” I soon realised that I’d just asked the same question twice and quickly kept walking hoping he didn’t notice...

emperorfett · 3 points · Posted at 01:06:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I’ll go to reheat leftovers in the microwave and I’ll end up putting the container in the microwave and the food in the trash.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:07:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ate a lollipop stick in front of a bank teller. I was kinda high and standing next to my husband who was making the transaction. I crunched down on the lollipop and when I was done I just kinda....kept going. I made direct eye contact with the teller before realizing what I was doing, so I could either finish chewing or spit it out. Spit it out but it honestly could have gone either way.

compuglobo · 3 points · Posted at 01:07:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open the front door of my house with my train ticket on more than one occasion.

HD_VISION · 4 points · Posted at 01:07:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

just the standard 'try to lock my gate with my car key remote'. except this happens about once a month. weed may be a factor.

peskeyplumber · 4 points · Posted at 01:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a friends apartment once and went down to the lobby of the building to grab something from the vending machine. I went back to the apartment and all the lights were off so that was weird. I open the door to the room we were in saying "im baaack" and now realize im on the wrong floor entirely cause someone different entirely is alone in this room. The whole building looked the same so i blame that

huebnera214 · 4 points · Posted at 01:11:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work second shift so I usually sleep in a lot later than people that have 'normal' working hours. One day my company called me and my brain processed the company's name on my caller ID. How did I answer the phone? "Thank you for calling (company) this is (huebnera214) speaking, how may I help you?" My coworker didn't say anything about it until I got in later that day. She asked if I remembered how I answered the phone that morning. I did not remember and she proceeded to tell me. I laughed and realized how dumb by brain is sometimes.

eatmymakeup · 4 points · Posted at 01:28:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I answer phones at the front desk at a casino , I’ve picked up my cell phone saying thank you for calling ____ front desk this is ___ how many I help you ?

Eldorath1371 · 4 points · Posted at 01:29:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right after I moved, I was driving home from work and went to my old apartment. Tried using my key to get in and of course it's not working. I then think that they just replaced the lock, so I call the rental office to bring by a key for me. Halfway through explaining my predicament, it dawns on me that I don't live here anymore. Man, I hate 16 hour days sometimes.

yogurtpo3 · 4 points · Posted at 01:44:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Followed the person in front of me at the shopping centre into the men’s bathroom. It took a bunch of men to all stare at me while I was slowly processing to finally realise where I was!

GregLoire · 4 points · Posted at 01:44:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I high-fived a coworker and squeezed his hand the same way I squeeze my wife's hand.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:46:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cringed for you.

GregLoire · 7 points · Posted at 01:55:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks. "Auto-pilot muscle memory with things done to wife applied to other people" is a significant day-to-day fear. I'm a tall guy, and whenever I hug shorter women, my thoughts are always: "don't kiss the top of her head, don't kiss the top of her head, don't kiss the top of her head."

Thankfully my track record is still clear on that one, at least.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:45:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw a kitchen cup into the trash

baxtermcsnuggle · 3 points · Posted at 01:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last time i shared a hotel room with my parents for a weekend long religious convention, i awoke in the middle of the night with my hand just crankin away at my dick 5 feet away from my dad

WHEEEEE7777777 · 4 points · Posted at 01:45:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the wrong airplane before I saw the callsign on the panel. I preflighted it(takes about 20 minutes out at he airplane), untied the tie-downs and even started it up before I realized I started the wrong airplane. Went to call up ATC for clearance and stopped before. I was shaking, walked to dispatch, filled out a form, got into the correct plane and did my flight as planned, although about 30 mins late.

Town_Pervert · 4 points · Posted at 01:45:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up, turned on my faucet, opened my contact container and washed them, along with my contacts, out. I've done this twice in my life.

bigfatboyo · 3 points · Posted at 01:45:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a period of time I was losing socks and couldn’t figure out where they went until one day I came home from school and took of my socks and threw them in the trash can instead of the laundry hamper.

thelastNerm · 5 points · Posted at 01:45:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve spent way too long using the light on my phone to look for my phone.

TG_CLuTcH · 5 points · Posted at 01:50:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my brother.

He lost his phone and we all looked the house over for it and couldn’t find it anywhere. we tried calling it and everything but never heard it ring. Later that day my oldest brother opens a bag of chips and the lost phone was inside of it. The chip bad acted as some make shift faraday cage. We still have no idea why my brother was inclined to put his phone in the chip bag.

Grace_86 · 4 points · Posted at 01:57:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Simmered stock on the stove all day (some of you know where this is headed)...poured the stock through the collender right down the sink drain...

CompedyCalso · 4 points · Posted at 02:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was washing dishes I rinsed and cleaned a cup.... Then tossed it into the trash....

MuffinShark15 · 5 points · Posted at 02:11:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Preschool teacher here, I once asked my friends if anyone needed to go potty before we left.

Drywalleater03 · 4 points · Posted at 02:11:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be a bus boy at Texas Roadhouse and one day I wanted to take a smoke break so I was going to drop my bus tub of at the dish pit and go out side but I completely forgot to drop off the bus tub and just went out side and my manager asked me why I took the bus tub outside.

sglende · 4 points · Posted at 02:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put both contacts in one eye 😂

maribellee · 4 points · Posted at 02:51:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to ID someone who was buying gummy bears. Yuuuuuuup. I got a weird look for that one.

Wate2028 · 5 points · Posted at 02:55:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in an aseptic clean room, we have to keep our hands in "first air" at all times. So I spend 8 hours each night with my hands palm up at chest level, I'll catch myself walking around stores with my hands in first air randomly when I'm out shopping because I'm so used to it. Also we can't pick stuff up off of the floor so we usually scoot it to the exit with our boots and my first instinct when I drop something at home is to start kicking it to the door.

smkn3kgt · 4 points · Posted at 02:56:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got up to change my baby's diaper early morning and I forgot to take the old one off, I just put a new one over the old one and put him back to bed.

shinyatits · 3 points · Posted at 02:57:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turned on the shower and stepped in, brain scrambling for a second with me wondering what the fuck was going on while the water soaked the bra I forgot to take off.

HeftyPepper · 5 points · Posted at 02:58:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just blatantly walked into my friends house when we were around 14/15. My head was somewhere else when I went to knock on the door to see if he could come hang out for a while but instead of knocking I just walked straight in. His mother was right by the door and luckily had a good sense of humor as she just sorta stared in surprise at me and said "oh, make yourself at home".

hEecCk · 4 points · Posted at 03:02:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i am around younger kids a lot so i tend to take on a natural motherly role. today at lunch i snatched a bag of chips out of a friend‘s hand and said he had to finish his sandwich before he could have a snack. i also often find myself grabbing people by the arm before crossing the street and telling them to look both ways first, then proceed to hold their hand until we get to the other side. kind of awkward when i do that with people i hardly know

ol_lukey · 4 points · Posted at 03:02:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

our parking lot at my work is pretty far from my office, but in the afternoon we can park in a closer lot usually reserved for patrons. i went to move my car closer around 2pm and ended up just driving home. i dont get off until 4:30.

Shortney_ · 4 points · Posted at 03:02:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live on the border of two states. I work in one state and live in the other. There are only two bridges connecting the two, and the bridges are only a couple miles apart. I lived in a town to the east of the bridges for years before I finally bought my house this year. My house now happens to be to the west of the bridges. I get off work, cross the bridge.... and turn right. To go to the old house. I got halfway to the next town before I realized what I’d done.

Bradjuju2 · 3 points · Posted at 03:03:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove past my hometown. I was listening to music and zone out. I drove an hour past realized, then an hour back.

indiedrummer7 · 3 points · Posted at 03:03:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was towards the tail end of an international flight two days ago and looked over at my mom and asked "is that my neck pillow in your lap?" She said "no, you're wearing yours."

justophicles · 4 points · Posted at 03:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven't had someone buy me a cake for my birthday in years. So we all get together and sing the bday song. At the end, where you blow out the candles - it didn't register that this time, it was my time. Everyone's camera at the ready, waiting. All of them staring quietly. And after a few moments, I finally said - Why is everyone staring at me?! And they all yelled BLOW THE CANDLES. Not my brightest moment

drkengard · 4 points · Posted at 03:05:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my boyfriend and I were walking out of the grocery store at night time so it was hard to see. He saw a car that looked similar to mine, opened the passenger seat, and sat inside before realizing that there was a horrified girl - that was not me - in the drivers seat. He awkwardly got out and I guess she realized what happened because I was laughing really hard. She started laughing too.

whatamievendoing99 · 5 points · Posted at 03:11:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was trying to be friendly to the cashier, and when she handed me my receipt I made eye contact; gave my most charming smile, and said, “habba goomornny”.

Instead of smiling back, she looked at me with such concern like she thought I was having a stroke.

I didn’t try and laugh it off or correct myself. I booked it.

I was simultaneously trying to say “have a good one” and “have a good morning”, and my brain knew I fucked up before I spoke but it was too late to hit the brakes

Paralily · 2 points · Posted at 03:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

🤣🤣

IntoTheFire66 · 4 points · Posted at 03:23:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to blow on spoonfuls of ice cream thinking it’s soup when I’m on autopilot.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 03:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

worked at a call center for five months. on one of my last days, instead of using my normal line of “thank you for calling ____ roadside, my name is baudoir, are you in a safe location?” i answered with “hi, how are you doing?”

quit about a week later because i realized how tired i was working those hours in a high stress environment.

scoobaruuu · 4 points · Posted at 03:43:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was living in a key fob access building and went to check the mail after a long day at work. I held my fob up to the mailbox and nothing happened. I then started furiously waving it around for a solid 10 seconds before realizing what I was doing; my mailbox opens using the mail key, not the fob.

Casually looked around to see if anyone had witnessed it and was immensely relieved to see I was alone...except for the security cameras. Hopefully someone got a good laugh.

Seraphim225 · 3 points · Posted at 03:49:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a doctors office and we have a set script when calling patients. Something to the effect of “Hi, I’m calling from Dr. So-and-so’s office, this message is for blank. Please call back at #..” It’s pretty ingrained in there. Once I was calling my own doctor on lunch break and had a complete synapse misfire. I got all the way to when I would say who the message was for, panicked because I couldn’t remember the patient’s name and only then it dawned on me that I was calling my own freaking doctor. Sounded like “Hi, I’m calling from Dr. So-and-so’s office, this message is for...audible panic I mean HI DR BLANK THIS IS ME I AM SO SORRY CALL ME BACK”

buttsage · 5 points · Posted at 03:50:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wake up, go to brush teeth and attempt to put my deodorant on my toothbrush. 😬

icyangel2666 · 4 points · Posted at 03:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I'm pretty sure it's been stuff like putting my glass of milk back in the fridge instead of the jug and taking the jug back with me to sit down. Oh, most recently I almost put the jug away in the cupboard instead of back in the fridge. I caught myself midway and was like woah wtf! Holy shit my brain derps out on me sometimes.

Edit: Here's a bonus one that I just remembered. Back in 9th grade I barely got any sleep at all, so sometimes I'd zone out, like one time I literally started dreaming while my eyes were still open. Anyway, this one time, middle of a lecture, I zoned out/got into daydreaming and basically forgot where I was. I felt a fart coming on, and I thought "yeah let it rip" cause that's what I would do if I wasn't surrounded by people. So I did... it was plenty loud. Immediately I snapped back to reality and thought "oops, oh shit!" The teacher even paused and looked my direction. I don't know if he knew it was me, but there's a chance my face was red which might have gave it away.

sosa180 · 4 points · Posted at 03:51:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured some of the carton of orange juice instead of the carton of milk in my cereals more times then I care to count

tortillasfordayyys · 4 points · Posted at 05:12:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a pharmacy and once I walked up to the counter to help the next customer in line. Instead of saying "I can help who is next" I said "thank you for calling Pharmacy name. This is Tortillas a technician, how can I help you?"

Everyone in the like burst out laughing. Didn't live that one down for a while.

im8enjones · 4 points · Posted at 05:19:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just finished the summer where I worked as a camp counselor for some unruly kids. In a grocery store in a sketch neighborhood, two methed out tweaker girls start screaming and clawing at each other. Without thinking, I step between them and say "Hey! Hands to yourselves you guys, I don't want to see that again. Understand??" It worked and they left each other alone, leaving me to stand there realizing what just happened

ExperiencedSoup · 5 points · Posted at 05:23:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me: tip 5$ Pizza guy: have a nice meal! Me: thanks, have a nice meal! Followed by silence

davevasquez · 4 points · Posted at 07:32:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[on my birthday] Friend: Happy birthday! Me: Thanks!! Happy birthday to you too!”

[immediate regret]

Shesaysgo67 · 4 points · Posted at 07:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to the doctors a lot. Usually I have to give a urine sample. I got a new therapist and she had a jug of water with plastic cups on a table near the restroom. I grabbed a cup, collected my sample, and gave a cup of my warm pee to her when I returned. We were both horrified.

ReeceInTheDarkness · 4 points · Posted at 08:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is going to get buried but fuck it. When I worked at a certain retail store, we'd have "huddles" where we talked about sales and what was going on in the store and such. Me, being sarcastic, would always woo no matter what they said. Well one day they were saying something and I went "woooooooo" and everyone looks at me with horrified expressions. Apparently they had just announced that my manager's mother had just passed away...

MambyPamby8 · 4 points · Posted at 08:16:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my manager. His Alarm went off one Friday morning so he got up got ready and set off for work. Thought it was great cause there was no traffic, flew into work no bother. Got there and one of the lads wasn't there, who normally opens up. Rang him and asked if he was gonna make it in today. Que some massive confusion between the two. Turned out it was Saturday, he set his alarm the night before thinking tomorrow was a Friday for some reason. His wife didn't think to question it and just assumed he had shit to do in work.

newbility · 5 points · Posted at 08:16:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Bought a popsicle at the store, took off the wrapper, threw away the popsicle, and walked to the car holding the wrapper. I was so cranky after I figured out what happened.

hananananbatman · 4 points · Posted at 08:16:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to lock an ATM with my car keys after I used it

see_kaptain · 5 points · Posted at 08:17:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally ran into my cat while walking and said "Excuse me I'm sorry"

Leethal2310 · 4 points · Posted at 08:21:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat down to watch my daughter's dance recital and went to put my seatbelt on

implicit_feelings · 4 points · Posted at 09:05:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was feeding my little kid while conversing with my bil and inbetween I proceeded to feed my bil...literally took the spoon to his mouth.

tinytheSTONEDgiant · 4 points · Posted at 09:11:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have adhd so I have too many to choose from.

I think worst is walking out naked not remembering there were guest in living room

OntheLtrain · 3 points · Posted at 09:12:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time it was really windy out, and I was out working on my laptop at a bench. A big gust of wind came by and I threw my hand out next to my laptop to catch my cursor, as if it was going to get blown off the screen...

teetertodder · 1 points · Posted at 09:38:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love this. I’ve definitely tried to move my cursor off screen to interact with things on my desk.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 09:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was waiting for a ride from someone and saw the car. I just opened the door and plopped myself inside.

After the car didn't move for 10 seconds I looked up and saw the horrified face of someone who was not my mother.

Then I remembered that my mother is not the only person who drives a red Subaru.

TheYoungGriffin · 4 points · Posted at 10:18:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was opening up the gym one morning, febreezing all the carpets and stuff, when someone pointed out I was just hosing everything down with glass cleaner.

count_zero_moustafa · 5 points · Posted at 10:20:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have stood at the door to my apartment frustratedly pushing the unock button on my car remote entry fob far more times than I would like to admit.

badasspenname · 4 points · Posted at 11:11:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will probably get buried, but I always, ALWAYS, without fail, apologize to inanimate objects whenever I bump into them. I've been trying to break the habit for at least 10 years now, but living in Canada has forever changed me. The Sorry is inside me now.

fresh_from_the_oven · 1 points · Posted at 11:17:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ugh I feel you. Sometimes I even apologize when others bump into objects... my family thinks I am a psycho

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 5 points · Posted at 14:31:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually got hate mail for replying to so many comments on here.

Thank you all for your lovely replies! I’ll do my best to keep answering but there’s so many of you!

Also thank you for the gold and the silver kind strangers and thank you /u/PS4-4-LIFE for the silver! It’s very much appreciated.

finally___________ · 5 points · Posted at 14:59:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my mid-twenties always anxious and in my own head. I would walk to a cheap gym near my house daily. One day it was raining so I drove and parked in the parking garage. Finished working out, it wasn’t raining anymore and mindlessly walked home.

Woke up the next morning, my car wasn’t parked outside my apt where I had left it, I freak out and report it as stolen. Went through the whole insurance process. Several months later I drove my replacement car to the gym because it was snowing, and saw my old car sitting in the parking garage 😳.

TL:DR accidentally committed insurance fraud due to anxiety-induced auto-pilot

Stairwayto711 · 5 points · Posted at 18:09:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More of a mental hiccup, but I was completing a university assignment that involved a lot of copy and pasting. I then went to make myself a sandwich and thought, why not make one more? The thought occurred that I should copy and paste and I actually walked over to do it before I caught myself.

Kudoshi__ · 2 points · Posted at 04:41:36 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

NEW SKILLS UNLOCKED: [ CTRL+C & CTRL+V ]

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 18:11:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remember when I was about 11, got woken up early morning by my mom frantically saying we were late for church. We proceed to put the tv and get ready. I shower my brother showers and we grab the birthday gifts for a friends bday party taking place this Saturday. We live across the street from church, so we walk to church dressed to the nines. Get there my mom yells "son of a bitch, its Saturday". We walked home changed went to the birthday party.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 18:14:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gotten up got ready for work, and due to the time change it's dark when I leave and come home. I got in car waited a few minutes surfing reddit waiting for the defrost to clear the windows. As soon as the windows were clear I shut the car off locked the doors walked in the house, my wife asked if I called out.....Damnit turned around got back in the car to go to work.

acceptablemadness · 5 points · Posted at 18:34:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a teacher. When my middle schoolers were lining up for lunch, they started tossing a basketball back and forth. I absently yelled not to throw balls in the house.

Family pizza night and I ask who wants pepperoni. My brother said "me" and I said, in my best teacher voice, "I don't know who 'me' is, can you please raise your hand?"

generaldread1 · 3 points · Posted at 19:57:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was running on a treadmill at pretty good speed, towel happens to fall, oh better just grab that like I was running outside, dead stop, bend over. Flew about 10 feet.

alec7717 · 4 points · Posted at 21:11:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to pick up dog poop.. grabbed it with the hand that was bagless..

SmallSigBigSauer · 4 points · Posted at 22:03:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a woman I interviewed who was seeking a job. I called to offer her the position and she answered the phone “Hey Baby” cause she was so used to her husband being the only person to call her lol. I said “....Hey... this is SmallSigBigSauer, I’m calling to follow up on our interview this afternoon.” She apologized profusely and accepted our offer.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:57:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG I’d be so embarrassed I’d be like no I’m sorry I can’t every make eye contact with you ever again lmao

I don’t do well in awkward situations, I just have to nope the fuck out of everything lol

bbearwood · 3 points · Posted at 22:04:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had toothache so got some benzocain gel to rub on my teeth, my dog also had eye drops that where similar looking and also gel like, more than once I rubbed eye gel on my teeth, I was more mad that the eye drops where 80 quid

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:56:32 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha oh no! Did they taste horrible?

What! 80 quid for eye drops! I think there’s a place you can get it pet stuff online if you ask the vet for the prescription, it’s cheaper. I’m not sure if the site, but maybe ask your vet if they know of any good ones?

bbearwood · 2 points · Posted at 00:58:39 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah we kinda wised up to it eventually, a bit of a scam tbh. Tasted like onion water with a chemical after taste!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 11:41:13 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ew yuck

Yea my dog gets ear infection because of allergies so we often have to get him eat drops and the first time I think mum got it from the vet but it was hella expensive so the vet suggesting a website and we’ve used that ever since

bbearwood · 2 points · Posted at 11:49:36 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

When our pupper had an ear infection (also due to allergies, she's on a daily anti-alergy tablet) , we found the same ear drops in a store called "the range" for 2 quid a bottle, she's getting cateracts now so everything is being covered by our insurance (£5000 eye surgery) so it's not to bad, couple of photos of her on my profile :-)

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 15:39:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have a “The Range” in Scotland lmao That’s good though! I didn’t know they did ear drops and shit.

That’s good! That your insurance cover it. That’s something I’m worried about, my cat getting ill and my insurance doesn’t cover it.

I’m gonna got have a snoop

jinsouloverflowers · 4 points · Posted at 23:35:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Litterally today I took out my chapstick, applied it, then threw the cap in my purse and put the capless chapstick in my pocket

ham4ever89 · 3 points · Posted at 00:25:48 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to scroll down on a paper .

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 00:27:23 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I’ve done this before! And tried to pinch zoom

iLikePython3 · 4 points · Posted at 00:27:41 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my last years of school I usually took the bus to come to the city where I went to school because I lived in a small village 15 km away. One day I drove to school with my mother's car and at the end of the lessons I had completely forgotten about the car and just went to the bus station. When I arrived at home and saw my mother's car wasn't there although she was at home, I suddenly remembered and felt so dumb. My mom thought it was funny. She wasn't the one who had to take the bus back to the city and bring the car home, though.

A few months ago the exact same thing happened to me in university.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 01:00:21 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha that does sound pretty funny but I’d also be pretty annoyed if I just got the bus home only to find out I have to bus back and then drive home again. Was it a long bus journey?

leetlepingouin · 3 points · Posted at 01:02:20 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went grocery shopping, bought multiple things, went home, put groceries away.

Later that night im peeing "I swear to God I bought toilet paper today...?!?" I proceed to use paper towels for 4 days because no time to go to the grocery.

Friend comes over day 4. Opens freezer to make cocktail. Pulls out 6 toilet paper rolls. Lifts them up and then hollers at me "you keepin these cold for sumpthin?"

rskillerkai · 5 points · Posted at 01:53:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making cereal and trying to throw laundry in the washing machine, and tossed the cereal into the washing machine

Froonkensteen · 5 points · Posted at 02:11:25 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put a block of cheese in a drawer instead of the fridge and didn't notice until I came back later in the day and couldn't find the cheese anywhere

s3r3n1tyNow · 3 points · Posted at 04:05:49 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends were waiting for me in the parking lot of a convenience store. I purchase what I need and walkout towards the area of the parking lot that we parked. Reach the vehicle, open the door, sit down and shut the door. Once seated, I look up. Not my friends, complete strangers and quickly realize it’s not my friends car. Embarrassed, shocked and confused I quickly get out with out saying a word. My friends were parked right behind them and saw the whole thing.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:17:28 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fiancé said she got into her car one morning and got her key to start it on up. After the car didn’t start, she realized she stuck the key in her ear... This has happened twice. I’m not quite sure how that mistake can happen, but i can’t stop laughing when I think about it!

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:27:26 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

It made me laugh too. And how does that happen twice?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:58:20 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your guess is as good as mine!

Asphyxiatinglaughter · 5 points · Posted at 03:41:08 on January 14, 2019 · (Permalink)

Very late to this party, but got home late from work and tried to unlock my front door with my key fob. When it didn't work, I rang the bell and tried to explain to my brother that my front door key must be dead

mathestar · 5 points · Posted at 20:34:31 on March 16, 2019 · (Permalink)

One time I wanted to heat up some Pizza from the previous in the microwave, so I put the plate into it, pressed the 'one minute' button, waited for said minute, opened the microwave and realized I'd heated up an empty plate for one full minute.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 20:42:31 on March 16, 2019 · (Permalink)

I’ve been there. We had these green plastic bowls when I was little and I completely wrecked one because I was making Ready Brek but I forgot all of the ingredients and just put the empty bowl in the microwave. Definitely was not the last microwave mishap.

ohmegamega · 6 points · Posted at 22:46:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a restaurant, too many times to count:

“Enjoy your meal” “You too”

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 22:57:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yes, the awkward stupid non sensical response. Been there

WigglePen · 12 points · Posted at 22:39:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my sister’s son was one-ish she was feeding him little slices of banana. She stood up, walked across the room and tried to squash a piece into my mouth too! She also put milk in the iron and the white pages into the fridge (had to reorganise the items in the fridge to make them fit!)

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 03:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I was so burnt out from doing work I poured my cereal in my drinking glass followed by milk, then just stood there thinking if i'm autistic

yukikat19 · 3 points · Posted at 23:58:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Third trimester of pregnancy I was pretty tired most of the time. Made the motions to get undressed to take a shower. Stepped in fully clothed and didn’t realize for at least five minutes.

ohiforgotto · 3 points · Posted at 00:03:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “I love you” to the pizza delivery guy on the phone when we said bye.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 00:21:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

JN_Lawrence · 3 points · Posted at 00:13:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

15, was working at an amusement park over the summer. My default response was “Hey guys how are you doing!”

Later that day I was home, my dad can’t late. When he walked in he casually said hi and I enthusiastically said “Hey guys how are you doing!?”

I just looked down like what have I become

Lurking-Cop · 3 points · Posted at 00:29:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fly a plane.

kristykrab · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Explain?

TheyCallHimPaul · 3 points · Posted at 01:00:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lived the last 4 years of my life

BakedBatata · 3 points · Posted at 01:02:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working as a nail tech and always have my bottle of water next to me..I go to take a sip without realizing I picked up a bottle of acetone instead >_< just typing that out makes me shudder.

Another, unrelated one was I was on the phone with a friend of mine having a casual conversation and could tell she was getting aggravated about something, she proceeds to tell me how she can’t find her phone...the one she was talking to me on.

arnoldsfriendgerald · 3 points · Posted at 01:03:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a new coworker I loved her

lemon_lad98 · 3 points · Posted at 01:10:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I study in my room I usually have instrumentals on. Of anything really just any music without lyrics, and I usually hum along to it, ESPECIALLY guitar solos

So there we are me and 4 of my mates sat in my room doing some work and a guitar solo comes on and this time I don't hum but I'm fully imitating the guitar solo as I'm writing my notes down. The solo ends and I'm snapped out of auto pilot by my friends laughing and howling because honestly wtf was I doing.

Would've been an r/cringe moment if I didn't know the people but I'm friends with all the lads that were there for it so it was a good laugh

cassiejoan23 · 3 points · Posted at 01:43:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Girl came into my work today (gas station) & it’s only 30 degrees (f) & she’s wearing neon green shorts with like knit “boots” that were brown & came all the way up her calf. Anyways she comes in & looks at the newspaper & runs back outside gets in the car & I’m kinda watching her while ringing up other people cause I mean..she was wearing shorts. It’s fucking freezing out rn with all this wind n shit. I see her get back out of the car & walk around to the driver side of the suv next to her (both cars looked similar.) & hops into that one. She’s in there for like a min & comes back in & was like “whosever white car that is, I just accidentally got in it. My bad” & the 3-4 people who were listening standing in line all shook their heads that it wasn’t them. There was an older couple waiting for a pizza to be made over by the kitchen & when they come to pay for their stuff, she says, “hey is that your car right there?” “Yeah, why?” “Well I just accidentally got in it to get my change & noticed there was no change & then noticed I was NOT in my car & im very sorry” “Hey, it happens sometimes. It’s nbd” Blah blah blah but she was on autopilot.

CombustibleOre · 3 points · Posted at 01:45:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work in a coffee shop, sometimes when it’s early morning and I’m working register I’ll blurt out the wrong phrases.

Like I’ll hand someone their coffee after they pay and and say”hi there!!” and then I take a moment to process what I just said and explain I’m on autopilot and they laugh and I laugh and it turns out alright usually.

soyjix · 3 points · Posted at 02:04:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid I would lean my head on my dad's belly. We were on vacation and I sleepily looked for a round belly and ended up leaning on a different older man's belly. I didn't notice until I heard my dad call my nickname from a distance and looked up to see a very confused strange man and ran to my dad and cried of embarrassment. Luckily they just laughed about it and moved on.

Frosty172 · 3 points · Posted at 02:05:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was doing a lot programming, and my phone, that was on my desk, vibrated from a text message. I moved my computer mouse over a few times while staring at my phone trying to figure out why I couldn't see the mouse icon to click open the message.

To a break and went outside for a while after that happened

liveontimemitnoevil · 3 points · Posted at 02:08:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in 1st grade I thought I had lost my dental retainer in the lunch garbage can. I had just gotten that one after crushing my previous one, and I knew they weren't cheap and my parents would be pretty upset if I had "thrown it away." A friend amazingly agreed to help me sift through the disgusting garbage for a good 10 minutes, and said "It'd be pretty funny if it were in your pocket." It was in my pocket.

imhoteps · 3 points · Posted at 02:10:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did that in elementary school, the principle helped me find it. Mine was in the garbage.

sealamb1 · 3 points · Posted at 02:11:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at a call center, I had a day where I had to cancel a lot of broadband contracts.

Then someone called and I answered with "hi there thanks for calling BT, what can I help you cancel today?"

Boss wasn't happy with that

Suck-My-Hawk · 3 points · Posted at 02:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving through Arizona to Southern California, and got stopped at a boarder checkpoint. I was attempting to read the officers lips talking to the car in front of me because I didn't want to mess up my answer (I was 21 at the time and had never experienced a checkpoint before). I had come to the conclusion that the officer was going to ask me "is it just the two of you in that car?", so I was all ready to say "yes".

Well when it was my turn to pass through, the officer asks "is there anyone other than the two of you in this vehicle", I responded with "yes"..

Officer must've been on autopilot as well because he just said "okay go on through"..

Knightwolf75 · 3 points · Posted at 02:28:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was listening to an audiobook while driving and the character said “good evening” and I responded with “what’s up?”

Took me a few seconds to realize.

Plus, it was the middle of the day.

geogodess · 3 points · Posted at 02:50:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally happened today. Backstory: I’m the only female working on an oil rig full of scruffy men of all ages. Earlier today I called the man in charge of the oil rig to confirm something with him and once he confirmed it my brain decided to say “awesome-saucem”. I don’t know why and I immediately regretted it. I got off the phone and wanted to die. I have to see him tomorrow morning and I’m so embarrassed.

Ginnabean · 3 points · Posted at 02:53:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a Starbucks with a drive thru and got very used to rattling off "welcome to Starbucks, what can we get started for you?" when the indicator dinged. I was talking to a coworker about Star Wars at one point and when a car pulled up, I said "welcome to Star Wars, what can we get started for you?" I don't think I realized what I'd said until I saw my coworkers cracking up. (To be fair, the person ordering didn't notice... guess they were on autopilot, too.)

Leproxia · 3 points · Posted at 02:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working the food counter at the local cinema for about 10 hours, almost finished my shift, tired as shit. More people have bought nachos w cheese tonight than popcorn. So a guy asks me for a large sweet popcorn, i go to grab it and end up bringing it back and slathering cheese and jalapeños ontop of the popcorn just like the nachos.

flurrfegherkin · 3 points · Posted at 02:58:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to work with two different shoes on. Didn't realize it until around 5:00pm when it was time to go home.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:12:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I took my wife to lunch on my work break to TGI Friday’s. Waiter comes to the table to take our drink orders. My wife orders a Diet Coke and I, unconsciously, ordered a “regular cock” which I didn’t even realize I said. The waiter said “a coffee?” And I looked at him like he was crazy. My wife told him I meant a regular coke and told me what I had said after he walked away.... humiliating. Lmao

TL/DR: I ordered a “regular cock” instead of a regular coke.

buckyburnes · 3 points · Posted at 03:14:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my roommate once went into her bedroom to look for her keys. She came out proudly presenting what she thought were her keys, looked down and realized she was in fact holding a hairbrush. We both died laughing.

sharktoothache · 3 points · Posted at 03:22:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting ready for school one morning, hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before, and I groggily decided to fix myself a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. Not just any bowl, the perfect bowl. The most delicious bowl of cereal not everyone is lucky enough to experience. The last of the bag. All of that crushed chocolatey goodness, powdered so your milk turns out extra chocolatey. You know, where if you took enough just for one serving, it doesn't leave enough for a whole serving, and half the bag wouldn't be enough, so you just go for it. The entire thing in one go. Perfection.

That is it would have been if I hadn't poured root beer on it instead of milk.

txepiva · 3 points · Posted at 03:23:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took my glasses off to go to bed and tried to plug them into my phone charger. Got frustrated that I couldn't find the USB port and had to stare at them for a solid 30 seconds before I figured out what the real problem was.

mutedcolors · 3 points · Posted at 03:23:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

The tea kettle started whistling in the other room and I tried to pause it with my MacBook spacebar like Netflix. (It didn’t work)

Ace_Dystopia · 3 points · Posted at 03:24:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a corn stand seasonally and once I said “one corn” to the customer and yelled “$4.50!” at my coworkers at the grill.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:25:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a restaurant for a while. 2 customers come in waiting to be seated and I walk over to them, menus in hand, look them in the eyes and say “Beneficial City restaurant how may I help you” as this is what I say when I answer the phone. We all stared at each other for a very awkward 10 seconds and I walk them over to their seats.

Guardian0flight · 3 points · Posted at 03:26:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I worked at Sonic Drive-In during my teenage years; And all the orders we take are over some sort of comm. They said we had to start the order with "Welcome to Sonic, my name is Guardian0flight. How can I help you?" Every.. dang... Time...

So keeping this in mind my family and friends we're together for dinner one night (the reason is lost to time), and I was asked to bless the food. So not thinking fully, and kinda tired, I auto piloted and started the prayer with "Welcome to Sonic, this is..." At that point everyone lost it and started laughing.

I have yet to live it down to this day...

kimikalfoto · 2 points · Posted at 03:35:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me too! I used to routinely answer my phone when it rang with my Sonic speaker schpeel. All the time.

Afzofa · 3 points · Posted at 03:27:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was very sleep deprived cuz of exams, and before the English exam I had, my friend asked me for a pen. I had one in my hand, but I had a dictionary in the other, so I threw the dictionary at him instead of the pen.(We usual threw the pen at the other if one asked the other for a pen.) He got a bruise on his cheek.

moshokikio · 3 points · Posted at 03:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a hotel as a night auditor and I once scanned a guests AARP card as a credit card and told him it was declined. He looked at me with utter bewilderment.

peernuli · 3 points · Posted at 03:29:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once i got back from blockbuster and put the bag of movies in the fridge on auto pilot I spent like and hour looking for them

bithooked · 3 points · Posted at 03:35:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid, my brother and I spent the night at my cousin's. We all slept on a pull-out couch in the living room. I was still watching TV late but the others had been asleep for a while. My cousin stands up from deep sleep, walks a very specific route of multiple 90 degree turns, then stops, drops his pants, and pees right in the middle of the dining room floor. I tried to stop him but he was clearly sleep walking. I reviewed his route and realized if he had started out in his own bed, walking the same route, he would've ended up peeing into the toilet. Quite impressive, if you think about it.

SourMelissa · 3 points · Posted at 03:36:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I’m a massage therapist, and have been nearly 10 years. I should have this down by now, right? I know what I’m doing.

Three times this month, I have completely forgotten my lotion going into a session, and I never did that before. I usually start at the scalp, and I’m not going to use it on a person’s hair, so I didn’t realize it until 5 minutes in. I can work without it, but I prefer not to. Having to excuse myself to get something that is one of two things I need in the room is pretty embarrassing.

EDIT: Thought of another one. I’ve had an IUD for 2 years now. I freaked out a few months ago because I couldn’t find my birth control to refill it with my other prescriptions. My fiancé had to set me straight on that one.

StageFrightLight · 3 points · Posted at 03:36:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I carry my baby around in a woven wrap all the time, and have to keep moving to make sure he doesn’t wake up. One time I was on a walk with my boyfriend (who was carrying our baby) and we had to wait at a traffic light. Out of habit, I kept bobbing up and down, and so did he. We must’ve looked like idiots.

TheHighConnor · 3 points · Posted at 03:38:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once was at our family Christmas party when I went over to stand beside the couch my wife was sitting at. I started caressing her head kinda casually and unconsciously, then I walked away and a min later I realized that my wife was sitting on the other side of the couch and I had just given my sister-in-law a very friendly head massage.

lobodelrey · 3 points · Posted at 03:39:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In college I had moved from a house to an apartment on the opposite end of town with most of the same roommates. During the first few weeks, I would drive to my former house instead of my new apartment. One time my roommates and I all were in the same car and no one stopped me until we pulled into the driveway.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 03:40:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg, dumped the yolk into the trash can, threw the shell into the bowl.

Oops.

xprsso · 3 points · Posted at 03:51:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a teenager, I worked the front desk at a hotel. I came home from a shift and took a nap. I was so out of it, that when our home phone rang, I answered with my full work spiel.

noobishpineapple · 3 points · Posted at 05:01:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in retail. When things get busy with customers, I find myself on auto pilot a lot! I try to say things in different variations to avoid this, but ultimately, I’m saying the same things over and over again. I’ve caught myself saying things in the wrong order while ringing customers through. Like for example, I’ll say ‘have a great day! Thanks for coming in!’ Instead of ‘did you find everything okay?’

One time, it was particularly busy, and I went to greet a customer. Instead of saying ‘hey! How are you today?’ I said ‘hey! Can I grab your phone number?’ (We ask for phone numbers at the beginning of each transaction to locate the customer’s account). This was to an elderly woman and the look of pure horror on her face is unforgettable! Cue me awkwardly trying to explain my accidental creepiness and telling one of my employees to cover my section while I went to my office to die of embarrassment!

viscountowl · 3 points · Posted at 06:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked the egg into the trash and put the shell in the pan. |:

murtuza_ramp · 3 points · Posted at 06:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy Birthday to you"

Me: "Same to you" 🤦

yuekselelcharmut · 3 points · Posted at 06:48:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Locked the room I was in because I always do it when I come into my room. My tutor wasn’t impressed and we were both looking at each other like why did this happen.

1spooky1 · 3 points · Posted at 07:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened just last week - I got so lost in telling a story, I told my girlfriend point-blank what I was getting her for xmas by accident.

Was telling her a story about my day, was quoting myself talking to someone else about what I was getting people for xmas, got so lost in the story I told her word for word what I told the other person.

Took me about two minutes to realize what I did. She thought I was trying to be funny or something at first. Nope - just so stupid.

(edited for spelling)

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 07:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Searched for my phone in my car for a few good minutes with my phone's flashlight.

ilovepotatomorethanu · 3 points · Posted at 08:04:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had this dream about wetting the bed and then I woke up and the bed is wet .... coincidence..I think not

BlackInkOutlaw · 3 points · Posted at 08:05:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During a thunderstorm I went to check on the kids, after a few moments of searching I remembered the divorce.

JustHereToConfirmIt · 3 points · Posted at 08:15:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate dinner in the living room yesterday and accidentally brought the dirty dishes up to bed with me.

akambe · 3 points · Posted at 08:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put Benadryl cream on my toothbrush. (the tubes looked similar!)

Chorbos · 3 points · Posted at 08:17:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple of weeks ago, I was making oats for breakfast with a mug of coffee, like I do every morning. I poured some milk on my oats and then proceeded to pour the entire plunger of coffee on top of it. My mom watched the whole thing unfold and asked if I needed to see the doctor.

Fudgeyreddit · 3 points · Posted at 08:18:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like everyone has at one point taken a metal utensil and just tossed it in the trash before immediately realizing what they just did and then digging through the trash for it.

SimplyTheAverageMe · 3 points · Posted at 08:20:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually ride the bus to class. I got a job right on campus and could start parking my car there for free. One day I drove to work, worked some, went to class, took the bus home. By the time I realized, the bus stopped running. I walked an hour to get my car back.

cargar67 · 3 points · Posted at 08:20:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

at a restaurant

Server: enjoy your meal!

Me: thanks, you too

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 09:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my house with my swipe card from the psychiatric unit I worked in.

Make of that what you will.

Cleanstream · 3 points · Posted at 09:05:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once in the school cafeteria, I forgot to get a plate and just put the macaroni on my serving tray.

JaceyAidan · 3 points · Posted at 09:07:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once double tapped on a picture in a magazine to zoom in.

GimblesGamble · 3 points · Posted at 09:09:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bump into my own chair at work and loudly apologise to it.

day2 · 3 points · Posted at 09:12:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend told me Stan Lee died and for some reason my mouth said, "Well that's boring."

GamePlayXtreme · 3 points · Posted at 09:17:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was scrolling on a roll of toilet paper. I don't think i have to tell you where my phone was...

vulvax · 3 points · Posted at 09:22:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Orange juice in cereal

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 09:22:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making myself a cup of tea in the morning when I squeezed the remainder of the tea bag into my drink and proceeded to open the bin, stare at it for a minute with a spoon in one hand and the tea bag in the other... and throw the spoon in the bin.

ihateflyingthings · 2 points · Posted at 09:34:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Open the cabinet instead of the fridge, or vice verse. Oh, and throw microwave into that mix too.

HernaniStyle · 3 points · Posted at 09:25:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just got off shift and my boss came over to cheers me with a beer and I instinctively tried to take his glass. (I’m a bar back)

Fun night though :)

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 09:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "Excuse me," to a door once

sarahsgrove · 3 points · Posted at 09:29:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've said "bless you"to the cat when he sneezed

El-Tel · 3 points · Posted at 09:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Banged an air hostess

Fattatties · 3 points · Posted at 09:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when i was younger and broke, my grandma stopped by to give me cigarettes because I couldn't afford them. As she was leaving I hugged her,pulled her back and kissed her on the lips. My family isn't the kissing goodbye type; the only reason it even happened is because thats what i did when I'd say goodbye to my gf. Didn't realize until i was full kiss. (Later i over heard her telling my mom "he must have really needed those cigarettes.")

WatashiKun · 3 points · Posted at 11:01:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, this is like super late and I doubt it'll get noticed, but when I was a kid, I really needed a piss. It was around 2am, and so I headed to the toilet in the dark, entered the room, turned left, took a piss. Pretty normal, right? Other than what I had realised as I pissed, was that this was NOT the toilet. In fact, this was the motherfucking WASHING BASKET. I grabbed a hold of myself, and immediately waddled to the toilet, and emptied the rest. I never told a soul. I just headed back to bed as if nothing ever happened. No one ever found out. Thank fuck for that.

smits017 · 3 points · Posted at 12:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm an amateur voice actor, and I'm constantly thinking in my head about new characters, new voices to use, etc.

When I go shopping, I sometimes accidentally speak in one of these different voices if it's on my mind at the time. It's not so bad if it's just a different accent, but it gets a tad more embarrassing if you arrive in front of the cashier, and you are suddenly Bargrog, Chieftain of the Orcs.

Epcc7890 · 3 points · Posted at 12:25:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The classic: calling a teacher mom

Krux_ · 3 points · Posted at 12:30:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Typed pornhub.com instead of Google while looking for something. Wouldn't have been embarrassing at all if it wasn't with a classmate I barley knew sitting next to me. Edit:word

Left4DayZ1 · 3 points · Posted at 12:51:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

First day at a new job, I drove to my old job 45 minutes away.

irebanjoboy · 3 points · Posted at 15:01:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I delivered food for about a year (Uber eats type of thing) and would always say "Enjoy your meal", half to be nice and half to see if anyone says "you too".

One day I caught someone out and they said it, and was telling fellow workers about it as the restaurant worker handed me the food and said "Have a good trip". Instantly I replied "You too".

I have since stopped trying to catch customers out.

thepopeXD · 3 points · Posted at 15:02:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid, I decided it was a good idea to eat a Tootsie Pop and use Play-Doh at the same time. Ended up licking the Play-Doh three or four times.

bigjim17 · 3 points · Posted at 15:54:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one time I was cleaning out my car and prior to vacuuming I threw away any trash within my vehicle specifically the gum wrappers that piled up in the cup holder which led to my mistake... It wasn't until I went to move my car when I was finished cleaning it only to realize that I could not for the life of me find my keys. I checked everywhere and as weird as it sounded, I checked the trashcan located next to my car as a last resort. Sure enough... turns out I threw away my keys with the contents of my cup holder while in the process of cleaning the interior.

immersed_in_thom · 1 points · Posted at 15:56:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve thrown out my keys at the gas station before lol

Strategisofia · 3 points · Posted at 15:57:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Three years after I married and changed my last name I was holding my first public hearing as an urban planner. As it was quite important my boss also attended the meeting. I guess I was nervous and heard myself introduce me with my maiden name. I paused and started giggeling and corrected: no, no that’s not my name..! The attendants at the hearing took it ok, but I don’t think they found me very professional. My boss teased me for years to come...

Veganlaxitive · 3 points · Posted at 16:20:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making some edibles and put about an ounce of weed into some coconut milk and coconut oil into a crockpot for about a day. When it was done I went to go strain the weed out of the liquid and strained it right down the drain T.T

Tinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa · 3 points · Posted at 16:34:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All of these posts made me laugh so hard after a shitty night at work. Thanks everyone

RedStickersHurt · 3 points · Posted at 16:40:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lit Romen Noodles on fire in the microwave. Forgot water.

woodtipwine · 2 points · Posted at 16:49:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this with Mac and cheese lmao

ArmyOfOne99 · 3 points · Posted at 16:48:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed on the cabinet under the sink because I was trying to wash my hands at the same time

DeepBreathing4Me · 2 points · Posted at 16:51:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You were just standing there, washing your hands...

...and not wearing pants.

Weird flex, but okay.

ArmyOfOne99 · 2 points · Posted at 17:08:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was waddling like a penguin

productiveslacker73 · 3 points · Posted at 17:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly forget to close my car door.

I have young kids in car seats. I created a habit to always get out of car, leave my door open, get all the kids out, close their doors, then last close mine. (This ensures I don't close my door first and lock my keys inside with kids, and ensures I get out all kids safely). Lately I keep leaving my driver door open. I did it twice yesterday, once I returned to it open, once another person reminded me as I was walking away.

You know that feeling if you walk up to your car, the door is open, and you think "Well F, someone broke into my car!". Me, I just think "Well F, I did it again!.

JarlProBaalin · 3 points · Posted at 17:57:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

yelled "mom" in class

piecebewithewe · 3 points · Posted at 17:57:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had been driving a stick shift for a few months, but also owned an automatic. Ex (husband at the time) and I were moving to a new apartment and I needed to moved the automatic to a different parking space.

Yes, I tried to use the non-existent clutch... In front of a passing police car. My forehead slammed into the awkwardly placed sun visor and I started cracking up laughing. The police officers were not as amused.

Pigwarts · 3 points · Posted at 18:06:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopping at green lights and treating them like stop signs.

Trying to ignore someone talking to me in class. (aka throwing in the occasional haha and/or yah). Said 'haha' then he turned to me and said, 'no I'm serious. My grandpa died.'

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 18:08:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work retail, told a customer "I love you" after a phone call. Another time I gave a customer his change and when he said "Have a nice day" I replied "you too" while patting his still outstretched hand holding the change.

Kenvolio · 3 points · Posted at 18:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was a newer hire at a work event with people I didn’t know, I met a manager (who also happened to be pregnant) and I tried to say “how are you” and “how’s it going” at the same time.

I said “nice to meet you, how old are you”?

croshee · 1 points · Posted at 18:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao where did the old even come from

Fearhawke · 3 points · Posted at 18:24:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will probably be buried but worth sharing.

One time I was sitting in my room watching TV and decided I wanted to change the channel. So I start lookig for my remote and I can’t seem to find it anywhere. I started turning over pillows, looking under the bed, running around my entire room and I could just not seem to find it anywhere. I was almost at my wit’s end when I looked down and realized I was holding it in my hand the ENTIRE time.

oapag · 3 points · Posted at 18:43:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in customer service so my vocab gets mixed outside of my job I would just say things like“bare-with me one moment” or “I do apologize” it’s annoying cuz i think that people might find me too proper or when I call clients and they answer I’m like “thank you for calling **** how can I help you?” And they’re like “uuh you called me”

-J-K- · 3 points · Posted at 19:10:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a hospital as a transporter. I walked up to a patient’s room and instead of knocking I lifted my hands and clapped at the door. 🙈

ItsTimeToExplain · 3 points · Posted at 19:20:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years back, I worked a job at a fast food joint with a drive-thru lane.

One day, I finished my shift and decided to roll through McDonald’s. I get to the speaker box and give my order. A few seconds after I was finished, I asked the employee “anything else?” He responded, “I don’t know.. you tell me.”

I got confused for a second, and realized what happened almost as fast. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing and when I told the man I just got off a shift in a drive thru, he got a kick out of it, as well.

dasendederwelt · 3 points · Posted at 19:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the car with my boyfriend and his Mom. I'm in the back seat. I fish for some chapstick in my bag, but took out a tampon accidentally. I then proceeded to unwrap it, pulled on the string and then came to and shoved it back in my bag as fast as lighting!

Shiny_Spectre · 3 points · Posted at 20:05:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to train for triathlons at a local pool when I was around 10, so I normally swam a certain amount of laps.

One day I had more time than normal, so I decided to go for an endurance swim. I went fifty five laps without stopping and only did stop because my dad told me to but looking back it was definitely best I did.

Anyways, even though that was off routine, changing back into fresh clothes was. I got out of the pool and starting changing. Only bad thing was..

I forgot to go to the dressing room. A bunch of old ladies got to witness some ten year old just hop out of the pool and go bare buns for a few seconds until his dad snapped him out of it, haha!

Mrquizmo · 3 points · Posted at 20:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to light a cigarette with the cig while the lighter was in my mouth.

lemonlimerain · 3 points · Posted at 22:17:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in middle school and had been babysitting my nephew who was two or three at the time.

He was clumsy. Constantly slamming into walls, hitting his arm or doorframes, hitting his shins on table legs, etc. So several times a day he would come to me, teary-eyed and pointing at his bruised arm or leg or anything that he had hurt and asked me to kiss it better. If I refused, he would start screaming. So I'd naturally follow his orders, and within a few seconds he was fine.

I'm sitting in choir one day, marking through a new song we're supposed to be learning when the girl next to me exclaims that she had gotten a paper cut on her hand. So, being in the routine of kissing my nephew's boo-boos at home, I instinctively reached over, grabbed her hand, and kissed it without thinking twice.

Suddenly, I realized what I'd done. I looked at her, horrified. She looked at me, horrified. We never spoke to each other again.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:53:07 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

At first I was like what, never spoke again, that’s some shitty shit. Then I realised you were in middle school so that’s a reasonable outcome tbh.

I regularly kiss my friend ouchies better, we’re in our early 20s. I’m the mother of the group so any time someone has a cut or a bruise I’m like “let me see” I give it a kiss and rub it and go “all better” just like I do with my niece.

HatchbackDoug · 3 points · Posted at 22:30:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once smoked some weed and afterwards I lost my phone. I was looking everywhere for it and I was getting so pissed, because I hadn’t left my room and I knew it was in there somewhere. I searched for it for about an hour, getting angrier because I could hear the ringer going off sometimes. After about an hour, I realized I had been using my phones flashlight the whole time.

h_assasiNATE · 2 points · Posted at 22:33:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess it happens,once atleast, to majority of stoners.

DillPixels · 3 points · Posted at 23:35:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told someone I couldn’t find my phone. While I was talking in my phone to them.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 00:36:06 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mum does this all the time lmao it’s hilarious to watch.

“Helen, have you seen my phone?”

“Your mobile?”

“Yea.”

“The mobile in your hand?”

“Oh...”

racso20 · 3 points · Posted at 00:01:40 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going up at the arch in St. Louis, security asks to take my belt off so I can go through the scanner, continued to take my shorts halfway off before I realized what I was doing. Guard says "whoah buddy, just need the belt". My whole family saw. They'll never let me forget it. 🤦

ZoneConchetumare · 3 points · Posted at 00:16:49 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turned on the oven with nothing inside

boganic-alcoholic · 3 points · Posted at 01:01:14 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)*

From the UK. An East European friend's son died in a suspected suicide in mainland Europe. As the lone parent, she also had to sort out a funeral for her kid in a foreign country, which is really quite terrible.

I dealt with her HR department in one of her companies on her behalf, and tried my best to help her out with the grieving process in the immediate aftermath of the news. She wasn't so wealthy, and I gave her some financial assistance. My account had a daily withdrawal limit of 250 pounds, so I remember waiting until close to midnight to get to an ATM, just to hand her 2 days worth of cash to help her pay for stuff abroad, secure quick flights and hotel stays (and, in all likelihood, funeral costs)

Anyway, all this good work was undone when I dropped her off at the airport. As I concentrated on driving off after she got out, I offered: "Have a great time in Belgium."

Edit: cringe

Knoght · 3 points · Posted at 01:05:07 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a warehouse driving a forklift thing. I keep stopping at the ends of grocery store aisles and twitching my fingers trying to honk the horn.

NibblesMcGiblet · 3 points · Posted at 01:40:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made my daughter her requested food: a salad with ranch dressing, and chocolate milk. Sort of.

Made her up a nice fresh salad with fresh chopped vegetables and everything and poured her milk and got out the hershey's syrup and squirted it all over her salad, briefly thinking it was the ranch dressing.

ClubZen · 3 points · Posted at 02:33:24 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was flying home from LA I was really high. I was going through security and I was taking off my belt and I don’t know why but I proceeded to unbutton and unzip my pants and pulled them halfway down my thighs before I realized what I was doing. The TSA agent started laughing at my dumbass

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 02:38:47 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning I drink hot chocolate at room temperature (thanks mom) and since I'm always late for class I always chug it. A couple days ago, my mom made it scalding hot for whatever reason and I just grabbed it, chugged it down, and didn't realize until I had begun to swallow, by then it was too late. I'm currently sick and its hard for me to swallow.

Cup_of_Madness · 3 points · Posted at 02:58:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

threw my phone at the ground, stared at it, picked it up, threw it again.

Jgibbs138 · 3 points · Posted at 03:03:11 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

After long 12+ hour shifts at work, I often attempt to start my car with my cigarette lighter. Takes me about 3-4 tries before I realize generally

Gabe2315 · 3 points · Posted at 03:42:05 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at 7/11 and had asked for a slice off pizza. I saw the cashier put a pizza in the oven so after I paid I waited by the counter for my pizza. 15 minutes later the cashier informed Me my pizza was in my bag already. I was so tired and zoned out I just didn't notice.

WOSML · 3 points · Posted at 06:45:03 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating lunch with some friends, and instinctively went to grab my glass of water. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I had moved my glass from its usual spot, and ended up getting a fistful of the piece of cake that I had in front of me. I spent a good 5 seconds processing what happened before everyone started laughing

metalhoernchen · 3 points · Posted at 11:14:55 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Closing reddit and immediately starting the app again

HappyGirl4321 · 3 points · Posted at 20:38:11 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to beat the rush and buy a real Christmas tree at my local grocery store. (Not the place to get a great tree and certainly not the way to get one when you’re making memories with your kids, but dammit I just wanted the freaking tree and screw the sentiment.) I picked it out after I picked up my Starbucks order, (my body needs caffeine at that ungodly hour of the day), and I stuffed the tree into my SUV. After having it up in my house for a few days, I realized the tree was dry as cardboard and a serious fire hazard so I took the bad Christmas tree back for a refund. Except my store had no record of me ever buying a tree. I was so freaking out of it that I paid for my coffee and not the tree! But they took that tree back and gave me a better one.

MafiaKara · 3 points · Posted at 23:29:47 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I try to beep open the front door of my apartment.....like i do with my car.

Nomaddog999 · 3 points · Posted at 00:19:18 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Standing in front of my mirror with a cotton pad in hand to take off my makeup. Proceeded to remove my eye makeup and started to feel some next level burning.

I had poured nail varnish remover (Acetone) instead of make up remover on the cotton pad and rubbed it in my eye.....

LaurensFanProjects · 3 points · Posted at 09:04:29 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm from the Netherlands so we ride bikes to high school. Back then I was so zoned out, I went with bicycle in hand through the bicycle parking, passing it, through the main doors of the school, walking down the (busy) main hall, through the doors to the stairs, standing below the stairs to the classrooms thinking to myself "How am I going to get the bike up those stairs?"
Then I realized, "why am I still holding my bike in the middle of the school??" and saw about a hundred other kids staring at me thinking I'd gone mad.

The embarrassing walk back through the school to the bicycle parking this time fully aware..... still gives me chills.

jakeimmink · 3 points · Posted at 02:18:27 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a farmer so I just piss anywhere I have to piss while I'm working. One day I was at a store and hopped out of my pickup and started to piss in the parking lot before I realized what I was doing.

Arinomi · 3 points · Posted at 14:46:30 on January 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

My gf and I had gotten ourselves one of those AirFry thingies, machines that deep fry things using hot air instead of oil. This particular model worked by turning a knob to the desired degree, then turning another knob to the desired number of minutes. It will then get to work, and the machine will make a soft blowing sound as well as a distinct ticking sound, telling you this is on its way to deep-fried goodness.

One night I felt a bit peckish, so I went to the kitchen and put some potato chips in the air fryer, some oil and seasoning, turned the timer knob (the degree knob was always at max), and sat down in a chair in the kitchen awaiting said deep-fried goodness.

The ticker was ticking away, and I checked every few minutes to see if my chips had made any progress. I knew this would take at least 10 or 15 minutes, so I waited patiently. We hadnct had this machine for very long at this point, so I didn't really know what to look for. After 30 minutes, I was getting worried our new machine didn't really work, so I tried touching one of the chips to see if it had begun warming up, and noticed it was STILL FROZEN. I was about to abort the whole project and go to bed chipless, but then I noticed:

IT WASN'T PLUGGED IN.

Apparently, the ticker works just fine without power as it's mechanical. The fryer, however, does not.

So I had spent a good part of an hour waiting for a machine that did absolutely nothing apart from telling me how much time had passed.

Hamilton_sol · 3 points · Posted at 03:53:13 on January 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

Ran a red light with my ex gf in the car. We were driving my miata . I was not wearing a seatbelt. Smashed my face off the racing steering wheel . My car was a write off. The van I hit? It was a dental carrying people who just returned from vacation. “Welcome home!” That accident made my insurance premiums triple for 5 years.

mackenzieaka · 3 points · Posted at 01:55:33 on January 14, 2019 · (Permalink)

I was talking with my co-workers while taking a file to a cabinet that it was supposed to be stored in. For some reason, I decided to pick up the garbage can beside me and tried to fit it into the cabinet without realising I was doing it.

therecovering · 3 points · Posted at 06:41:03 on January 22, 2019 · (Permalink)

My mom called me when I was at the hospital for severe dehydration amongst other things. When it came time to say bye I said, "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." And then I ended the call. I'm not even religious.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 08:08:30 on January 22, 2019 · (Permalink)

I’m gonna day this if I’m ever in hospital lmao

paroslaya · 3 points · Posted at 10:06:49 on January 28, 2019 · (Permalink)

Was getting out of softball practice in high school and was dead tired. Got dressed, and as I was making my way out of the locker room I tried to throw my Gatorade in the trash can that was across the room. I ended up throwing my phone. It hit a wall, completely shattered.

SheWhoComesFirst · 3 points · Posted at 18:04:02 on February 3, 2019 · (Permalink)

Talking to my mom on the phone while slicing cheese to put on some crackers. Finished slicing and talking at the same time. Cheese on the counter, phone in the fridge. Didn't realize it until the morning and had to throw out the cheese.

throw_it_in_her · 3 points · Posted at 16:57:56 on March 17, 2019 · (Permalink)

I made an entire pot of coffee without the carafe in the maker. Twice. All over my counter.

KingKrafty22 · 3 points · Posted at 22:02:04 on March 17, 2019 · (Permalink)

You know how console controllers run out of batteries...
Well one time when I needed to put new batteries in I got up, went to the stash of battery packs that I have, opened one up and threw them away thinking I had the old ones in my hand, as I usually throw the old ones away with the trash, and put the old ones back in my controller and wondered why it didn't work.

The_Sister_Fister69 · 3 points · Posted at 01:25:20 on March 18, 2019 · (Permalink)

Not me but my friend It was first period and he was tired af and during attendance the teacher called his name and he said out loud MOM IM NOT READY TO GET OUT OF BED ITS 5:00 STILL

Onyx_Jahr · 3 points · Posted at 10:15:58 on March 19, 2019 · (Permalink)

Not really funny, more horrifying and dangerous. Before I was given an Insulin Pump, I used to use a needle and syringe to take my insulin. Before the pump I took two different insulins. One was a 24 hour "long acting" insulin taken once a day, the other was a fast acting for food and corrections. The long acting was one dose (13 units), fast acting changed depending on food and blood sugar. On MANY occasions I would be drawing up my fast acting and automatically drew 13 units, and injected before realizing, to my utter horror, what I had just done. I had to eat/drink SO MUCH CRAP just to fix what I had done. So glad I have a pump now.... Goddamn lol.

foxtail221 · 3 points · Posted at 18:21:25 on March 19, 2019 · (Permalink)

A bit late, but, this happened today. I was sitting in front of my friend in school and was looking at memories on snapchat. On autopilot I randomly decided to go to 'My eyes only' on snapchat, where i have VERY nsfw pics. Only realized what I was doing when I got flashed by my own cock on the phone screen. I hope to god he wasn't looking at my screen.

[deleted] · 8 points · Posted at 22:16:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge. I realized what I’d done right as i closed the fridge, thankfully.

dunmif_sys · 9 points · Posted at 23:23:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once had the Autopilot on NAV mode and got given a heading change by ATC; I turned the heading bug but the aircraft didn't turn. I didn't notice until ATC asked if I'd turned yet, and then I noticed I hadn't engaged HDG mode!

Oh, how we laughed...

Crazd4tech · 5 points · Posted at 22:10:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crashed

DeepBreathing4Me · 1 points · Posted at 22:52:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uh... what kind of crash?

Stormie85k · 4 points · Posted at 23:53:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The crash kind of crash

lupum121 · 5 points · Posted at 23:16:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked retail at the customer service desk for 16 years. When I switched jobs I started working in a hospital, also in a customer fasting position, and also answering phones. My second day of work, in front of my trainer and 2 of my other colleagues I answered the phone ‘Thank you for calling Publix, this is (my name), how can I help you?’. The caller said ‘sorry, wrong number’ and hung up. Everyone else was trying not to die of laughter while I died of embarrassment.

jgaarnell · 2 points · Posted at 22:46:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was around 15 and in full time education when I was going to school on a Monday morning. However I was ridiculously tired as I was at a party the night before as basically every other school in the area had an inservice day but for some reason we had school. I was running on a couple hours of sleep and was a bit hungover but early that weekend my soccer team had won a cup semi final and I scored 2 goals meaning it was inevitable i would get a shoutout in assembly (we had an absolutely giant hall so the whole school went to every assembly) so I wanted to be there. Anyway I live around 30 mins walking from my school and my parents normally give me a lift to school but they told me they couldn’t that day. Despite having a solid 10 minute conversation about this in the morning it obviously didn’t fully register in my brain. When I went outside I walked across the road to try and open the door but obviously it was locked. Then for some reason the next logical move was to try every other car on the road to see if their doors were open. After unsuccessfully trying to get into 3 cars the 4th was this small Volkswagen Ka (for those who don’t know this is a 5 seater car but only has 2 side doors meaning to get to the back 3 seats you need to push forward one of the two forward seats.) I pull the door handle of this car and it opens, still completely zoned out I pull forward the passenger seat and get into the bag row of the car. I go to place my school bag next to me but to my horror there is a small baby who could be no older than 18 months staring right at me. I panic and just try and remove myself from the car, frogetting I had already put on my seatbelt, after fiddling with that I eventually get out of the car and run away towards my school. It wasn’t until I arrived at school that I had left my school bag in the car. Never saw it again.

[deleted] · 4 points · Posted at 01:33:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on hold whilst on the phone. Then tried looking for my phone. It took me a minute after looking for it with my other hand to realize that I was a complete total idiot

kbre15 · 2 points · Posted at 22:38:33 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked away from the sink and spit my mouthwash on the floor

hooperhippiechick · 2 points · Posted at 23:10:29 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone who has been in the restaurant industry for a few years, I yell "CORNER" in the grocery store way more often than I'd like to admit.

sevee77 · 2 points · Posted at 23:11:04 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Drove 20+ miles on the highway past my exit.

bbstarsky · 2 points · Posted at 23:29:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know how you thank the bus driver when you’re getting off the bus? Well I thanked the train driver getting off the train (train driver not in sight, they have their own room at the front of the train). I was tired and in full autopilot mode, stood in front of the doors waiting to exit, turned me head and said thank you...

I’m sure it gave the passengers left behind a giggle or two.

bluemarvel · 2 points · Posted at 23:37:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

School, year 10 so I was 14/15 getting ready for gym class but instead of stopping at my boxers I got bollock naked in front of everyone, still have dreams about it now at 38.

casselhag · 2 points · Posted at 23:37:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked as a cashier, I asked if the customer wanted a receipt, so I reached over to give it to him. Only my muscle memory kicked in and since most just ask me to throw it away, I crumpled the receipt in my hand as I was giving it to him. "What... are you doing??" he asked. I just looked at the crumpled piece of paper. I hate my brain.

88hypebeast · 2 points · Posted at 23:45:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always catch myself playing with my balls without even noticing — when I’m at home.

dogman__12 · 2 points · Posted at 00:06:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OP your replies to comments are so sweet.

Rydychyn · 2 points · Posted at 00:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to school wearing my pajamas under my uniform...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:09:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a block of cheese in the cutlery drawer and put a knife in the fridge and didn’t notice for a few hours until someone else in my house found it

mal_ed · 2 points · Posted at 00:09:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So as a little bit of context I work at a Safeway (grocery store) as a cashier. I basically am always on autopilot when at work because it is so dreadfully boring. So I have a couple pretty embarrassing stories.

The worst one by far though has to be this one time where I was checking a customer thru my lane and I accidentally said "Hello! Do you have airmiles card?" all the while with a big grin on my face. The only problem was that I was handing him his receipt... after I finished ringing in his groceries. Right as he was leaving 🤦‍♂️. Needless to say he laughed his ass off the entire way out the store.

I now make sure to think just a little bit when talking to the customers

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 00:10:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many years ago, I was checking out at a Best Buy. I was thinking about calling my mom after I left the store, so I said "Hey Mom" right when I got up to the counter with the cashier. Neither of us said anything, but there's no damn way he didn't hear me.

Dave_The_Nord · 2 points · Posted at 00:11:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Paid for gas, the proceeded to drive without pumping. Realized after 20 minutes on the interstate and my car giving me a warning.

Inneedofnap · 2 points · Posted at 00:20:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often host get-togethers at my place and have been doing so for many years.

A month ago the bereaved widow at a wake recieving line said it was good to see me. I responded something close to "it was good to have you".

She is the owner of the company I work for.

NyteeShaydee · 2 points · Posted at 00:23:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a gas station/convenience store that was really strict on greeting every customer that entered the store. I got really used to it and was saying hello every time I heard the doors open. After years of that and moving on from that job I have an insane urge to say "Hello!" or "Hey, hows it going!" whenever I hear a door open. I was at a bakery to buy cookies one time, these customers came in and I greeted them and got a strange look from everyone, only to realize I didn't work here and this wasn't the gas station....

Rose_A_Belle · 2 points · Posted at 00:23:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I saw Pacific Rim in 3D the first time I had an edible and at some point in the movie there's a scene where it's showing a television news broadcast about the monsters. I turned to my friend sitting next to me and asked him if he thought that the Kaiju were going to make it far enough inland for us to worry about it. He laughed for a second, then realized I wasn't kidding and said, "Rose, this is a movie, it's not real." My only response was "Oh" and went back to watching the movie without saying another word. He still has not let me forget, as he shouldn't.

TL;DR - Had an edible and thought Pacific Rim was happening IRL.

Jackens12 · 2 points · Posted at 00:25:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, I called a teacher grandma

secretagent0096 · 2 points · Posted at 00:34:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had to pick up my brother from school after prayer so to not forget, I kept repeating to myself, "Pray and then change, pray and then change, pray and then change" Got on the prayer mat and took my pants off.

DudeBNice · 2 points · Posted at 00:35:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My life for the last 10 years.

Freedom1015 · 2 points · Posted at 00:38:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was throwing a football with a friend while talking on the phone. Caught football, threw phone, brought football up to ear, started talking.

Yeetus_The_Fetus_ · 2 points · Posted at 00:54:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pissed in the laundry bin, clothes in the toilet.

Krocsyldiphithic · 2 points · Posted at 00:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't tell you many times I've freaked out while talking on the phone with someone, because my phone's no longer in my pocket.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:01:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning I was making oatmeal and coffee at the same time. I took a scoop of coffee grounds and dumped it right into my bowl of oatmeal instead of in the coffee filter. My roommate saw and just laughed at me.

XT3RM1N8R · 2 points · Posted at 01:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cleaning up my room and accidentally threw away my dirty clothes instead of putting them in the wash.

FrogGoesMoo · 2 points · Posted at 01:02:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peeled a potato and then threw the potato in the bin. Friends were there and saw the whole thing.

Stoigenfroigen · 2 points · Posted at 01:02:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started up Skyrim, loaded up my game and was halfway through the loading when i realised: Oh shit wait im supposed to launch csgo. I was in a call with my friends too and they asked me why tf was i launching skyrim, but it didnt register.

Gaben2012 · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving for like 30 minutes, reaching the destination and going "dafuq even happened?" apparently its normal to many people to just drive on autopilot, to many others that is also super scary.

XT3RM1N8R · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking at some paper prints of some screenshots with different windows open and I struggled to use my finger to drag the windows across the paper.

snakespit · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said “I love you” to the Taco Bell drive through guy after he told me to pull around to the window

porgy_tirebiter · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once poured iced tea on my cereal

Ricks_Liver · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the phone with my girlfriend and I told her to hold on that I couldn’t find my phone. I preceded to set my phone down and look for it.

bob1048576 · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working late on my computer and I tried to close the screen before going to sleep.
Ten seconds later, I realized it was not a laptop.

StrictTowel · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently put a box of cereal in the fridge and the jug of milk on top of the fridge (where the cereal boxes are). Ate my cereal and began to wash my bowl and saw the milk on top of the fridge. Hunger does stupid things to you lol

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Openly picked my nose in front of my boyfriend before we were at that stage.

krystalBaltimore · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went through the drive thru at Burger King for my husband. He ordered, I went to the window and have dude the money and drove off without the food. I have yet to live that down.

MelarieMelarie · 2 points · Posted at 01:03:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one is mostly just annoying, but my coworkers seem to find it funny. I work at a cookie store and when we take sheets of cookies out of the oven, we slide the baking paper they're on onto a fresh tray so they stop cooking and cool faster. Well, I have this terrible habit where I take a tray out and instead of transferring I put a paper on it and throw on a pair gloves like I'm prepping cookies. I do it almost every single shift.

Sound_Effects_5000 · 2 points · Posted at 01:04:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amount of times I've said "love ya" before hanging up the phone is mind boggling

manaworkin · 2 points · Posted at 01:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Multiple times I have freaked out and started looking all over the house for my phone....while talking on the phone.

demarehominygrits · 2 points · Posted at 01:04:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured my cheerios in the bowl to make cereal as a kid. I then i poured milk into the cheerios box.

I remember crying and apologizing to my mom for ruining a new box of cereal.

Full_Aperture · 2 points · Posted at 01:05:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought this question was a Tesla specific question... Sign of the times I guess.

ComprehensiveSock · 2 points · Posted at 01:05:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in elementary school, during the winter if we wanted to play out on the play set you needed to bring snow pants as it snowed almost about a foot on the norm. If you didn't have any you had to say on the back top as snow didn't build up there. One day while changing into my snow plants i decided to pull off my normal pants(for those who dont know snow pants are thick insulated usually water resistant pants that go over your jeans or whatever you have on), got to my ankles before I realized my mistake and quickly pulled em up. The girl next to me who was putting on her snow pants made fun of me for it for weeks. She was also that one kid that ate crayons so... this happened in like 2008.

Eggthan324 · 2 points · Posted at 01:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instead of closing a game application on my friends ps4, I straight up deleted it. The delete button is literally on the opposite side of the close application so I don’t know how I did it. I thought it was hilarious, but my friend didn’t.

Curios_blu · 2 points · Posted at 01:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My daughter showed me a photo in a magazine. I tried to zoom in by touching it and pulling my fingers apart (as if it was my iPad). My daughter found this quite amusing.

habitualnihilism · 2 points · Posted at 01:06:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So this past week I've been battling a cold and an on and off fever. I've been carrying tissues or toilet paper around with me this whole time since my nose has been running. The boyfriend decided to wash all our blankets last night before we ate supper and watched our nightly shows.

I wake up in the middle of the night coughing and to blow my nose often now and for some reason I just grabbed the freshly washed blanket and blew? Maybe my brain just thought "oh, this is grey, it has to be my tissues, they're just darker at night".

I immediately pulled that blanket off both of us and tossed it aside.

devenjames · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed into my trashcan

johnny_soup1 · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you stand up from my bed you take a few steps forward then take two quick left turns and you’re standing in front of the toilet.

For some reason one morning I took an extra left turn. It was too late before I had realized I was pissing into the waste basket. Bonus points for it being one of those metal/mesh baskets, without a bag.

ihateradiohead · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving a house party, a friend of my mom’s said goodbye to me. I hugged her and said “bye mom” before realizing what I had done

bonjarden · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to play a LOT of Fallout 3. There were a few occasions where I pocketed random bobby pins laying about.

thewhippoorwill28 · 2 points · Posted at 01:07:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crashed my car. Full auto pilot merged right into the person next to me.

Taiyaki11 · 2 points · Posted at 01:08:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While visiting home I was flipping through reddit on my phone...started looking around and getting mildly irritated and my sister asked what I was doing. "Looking for my phone and I can't find it" I said...while holding said phone in hand... the vacant look of disbelief on her face will be stuck with me forever

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:09:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was really high and kept trying to get into my house by clicking unlock on my car keys.

RoseHorizon · 2 points · Posted at 01:09:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempted to unlock my house using my car keys remote. In my defence I had just finished work and it was midnight.

Larqus · 2 points · Posted at 01:10:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I used to work at a paper mill for summers (making 2x what I did as a software engineer) and once, after a sleepless night, had a machine fault while adding glue to the process.

I bolted to the main machine, yet forgot to close the tap. 50 or so litres managed to end up on the floor before I noticed. The older guys gave me shit for the whole day, shift supervisor included. Cleaning it up took hours after hours.

Two days later it happened again.

corruptinfo · 2 points · Posted at 01:10:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often try to use my apartment key to open up the ice cream shop, and the ice cream shop key to unlock my car

gluehands92 · 2 points · Posted at 01:11:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Little late but I remember my brother eating cereal or something at the same time as feeding the cat and he licked the spoon with the cat food on it. He was disgusted but laughed hysterically.

smirking_hazel · 2 points · Posted at 01:13:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really enjoyed this post.

You get an upvote! You get an upvote! Everybody gets an upvote!!!

vonadler · 2 points · Posted at 01:23:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived in a dorm as a student, and we had questionable sleeping habits. Me and a friend had an early morning lecture, so we got up what for us was hideously early (06:30 or so) and he was making himself breakfast - porridge and coffee.

He starts by putting porridge in his coffee cup. Swearing, he moved it from the cup to the bowl and rinsed the cup out. Then he proceeded to pour coffee (instead of milk) on his porridge. As I (being tired and all too) laughed my fat arse off, he resolved to give up on breakfast and have a snickers from the vending machine outside the lecture hall instead.

Sabbuds · 2 points · Posted at 01:28:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once peed on the trash can instead of the toilet because I was half asleep

KIA_Hawk · 2 points · Posted at 01:29:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend was leaving and I said “love you” and he turned around and asked what I said. I told him i said “later dude”. I don’t know if he believed me or not.

carbsandpizza · 2 points · Posted at 01:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I know I’m super late, but I work at a hospital and we use our badge to open the ER and ICU doors and the wheelchair assist button to open our hallway doors. I always try to scan my badge to open the doors and just sit there and wait for them to open.

Joolayjay · 2 points · Posted at 01:32:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was coming home one morning from an all nighter at work so I was exhausted. Tried to unlock the front door with my car key clicker. Took a couple pushes of the button before I realized what I was doing.

scuz888 · 2 points · Posted at 01:35:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my subway trash down the laundry chute

ShaolinFantastic420 · 2 points · Posted at 01:36:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time on the way home from work I auto piloted my car to my old house. I haven't lived there in a decade. when I got there I just realized how stupid I was, lol.

Mrsteddyruxpin · 2 points · Posted at 01:36:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened to me two weeks ago...sat at a stop sign for awhile thinking it was a red light. I was confused why the person next to me was staring at me.

20maddogg20 · 2 points · Posted at 01:40:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my one year old in the bath with her socks still on

734842424201 · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've walked into the shower with socks many times

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:42:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least once a week I try to open my apartment door with my car’s key fob.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:42:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

734842424201 · 1 points · Posted at 01:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My standard reply to happy birthday

firepuck · 2 points · Posted at 01:44:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have oatmeal and coffee every morning. The other day I put the coffee filter in and dumped the oatmeal in.

lucasd11 · 2 points · Posted at 01:44:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get an hour for lunch each day, so I use the time to go to the gym. Between decompressing from work, checking my phone, and doing it each day. I'd say there's one day a week that I have no idea which locker I used to put my stuff in.

wapttn · 2 points · Posted at 01:44:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up really hungover, peed in the tub instead of the toilet. Didn’t realize until a friend came over shortly after and told me my bathroom smelled funny 😅

GeetotheZeeiswhoIB · 2 points · Posted at 01:44:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulling my pants down at a urinal thinking I was in my bathroom

lgndk11r · 2 points · Posted at 01:44:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushed my teeth with facial wash. Same stand up tube and all.

Kaltanator · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the 3rd grade, I was just finishing my lunch and took out a dollar to buy ice cream. I got up to throw out the trash, but accidentally threw out the money. Worst day of elementary school.

sherlock2040 · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day, instead of taking the butter out of the fridge for my toast...I put my cup of tea in the fridge. It's only marginally better than the time I put my porridge in the fridge and waited for it to go 'ding' :(

mirandawillowe · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a bowl of cereal in one hand, empty box of thy said cereal in the other, walked over to trash can, threw the bowl of cereal out, leaving me with an empty box of cereal... and no more cereal.. sad cereal day

mattqueen123 · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went right through the drive through without my food!

eashl_player · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured milk into the sugar bowl instead of my coffee. Lmao I still laugh thinking about it

voovv · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving all the way to work instead of school

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:45:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in my car and drove all the way to work on my day off. Coworkers had to remind me. I just turned around and went home slightly embarrassed.

_crispy_rice_ · 2 points · Posted at 01:50:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was the blizzard of ‘93 and my family had been without power for days. We lived in TN, and it had like two snowplows for the entire state, so we were stuck for a good while. A couple of days in , and very bored, I dug through a storage box and found a small portable tv! A four inch screen, retractable antenna, and a rolling dial.. but hey it was TV! We gathered round and to our great disappointment, the batteries were dead and it took some monstrous amount of D batteries that we didn’t have in hand. Someone ( it may have been me, I’m ashamed to admit) mentioned seeing the power cord adapter lying around somewhere. My family unit looked for the adapter FOR A SOLID HOUR. It was found and with a triumphant flourish plugged in. That’s when the lightbulb went off in all our heads and we just all said.. “ohhhh.”

Heslay_Cashlion · 2 points · Posted at 01:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I honestly can be very absent minded and have prob 100 stories unfortunately.

But just a common classic that roommates and now my wife enjoy is when I come home from work throw a meal in the microwave and proceed to go to bed.

medic-nurse17 · 2 points · Posted at 01:50:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a stop sign and waited for the light to turn green.

Justkasekuchen · 2 points · Posted at 01:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge. Didn’t realize until it was too late. Edit: I am not alone and I just saw that someone else has already done this.

InternationalToque · 2 points · Posted at 01:51:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to poke my girlfriend a lot and whatnot but it's become a bit of a problem. I spend so much of my time with her I don't know how to act around other people. I've caught myself before almost poking or prodding my roommates on numerous occasions. I'm anticipating the awkwardness that will follow when I just instinctively swipe someone in a way that will end relationships.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:54:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

metalbarbiedd · 1 points · Posted at 01:54:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this too!

NoodeCaboodle · 2 points · Posted at 01:55:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a nearly deaf dog who can only hear load clicking and whistling, while on shift managing at a bar I was trying to get someone's attention I clicked and whistled at them instead of calling their name... She wasn't impressed.

hatkeyhayley · 2 points · Posted at 01:56:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not that funny but I constantly dump the coffee grinds into the water section on accident when I’m exhausted in the AM (which is every AM)

CidBarret · 2 points · Posted at 02:28:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I start the coffee maker without adding the water. Other times I get everything into the coffee maker but forget to start it.

Chris5369 · 2 points · Posted at 02:00:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was a cold morning and I was in a hurry so I decided I was gonna brush my teeth in the shower. Put my toothpaste on and started brushing. It wasn’t toothpaste, it was shampoo.

88ZombieGrunts · 2 points · Posted at 02:03:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the time I worked at two different stores where I work the register and answer phones. One day I answered claiming to be the wrong store and realized after I said it. The man on the line just started laughing.

Enderdemon · 2 points · Posted at 02:04:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly forget to take the cap off of a bottle when I try to take a drink.

itsstarman · 2 points · Posted at 02:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this more than I care to admit. Looking everywhere for my phone, thinking Ive lost it. Pull my phone out of my pocket and start calling it. I usually realize as Im dialing that my brain let me down.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:05:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While reading this thread I unwrapped a piece of candy cane and put the wrapper in my mouth instead of the candy cane.

XTDK · 2 points · Posted at 02:05:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was baking pies one time and had the flour mixture in front of me. The recipe wanted three tablespoons of sugar. Scoops one and two went into the flour mixture just fine, but the third one I scooped leveled and dumped right into the open bag of flour I had sitting next to the rest of the ingredients. I stopped and stared for a good 10 seconds before my brain came back and made me realize what I had done.

TheInfra · 2 points · Posted at 02:05:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just this week, I bought McDonald's for a quick bite before going to a friend's house, got me a soda but didn't ask for a straw. "I'm gonna use one of those reusable metal straws I just bought! Gotta do my part to save the planet" thought I.

So I finished the food on the way, arrived at my friend's house, packed up all the trash and dumped it on a street bin. Only until the next morning I realized I threw away my brand new metallic straw. At least it cost like $1,50

WendyWasteful · 2 points · Posted at 02:05:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking into a restaurant with my kids. My son fell behind and held the door for two others walking in behind us. On auto pilot I I turned around to grab his arm and pull him back into our group but I ended up grabbing the arm of the man my son held the door for. He walked away really fast and my son thought it was hilarious.

A_Parked_Car · 2 points · Posted at 02:07:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've only done it once but I've constantly had to mentally stop myself from saying "Bye, love you" to any of my female teachers.

ASpoonfulOfAwesome · 2 points · Posted at 02:07:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While talking to a friend, I spent a solid 15 minutes looking for my phone so I could leave for work, getting increasingly frustrated by the minute. My friend finally asks what's wrong, and I tell him I'm late for work and I cant find my fucking phone. There was a long pause, then he says "you mean the phone you're talking to me on right now?"

Yup. That'd be the one.

steve1rich · 2 points · Posted at 02:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling a friend and leaving a voicemail, I accidentally left my work phone number since I'm used to leaving it when I call and leave messages on their phones.

elmariachi304 · 2 points · Posted at 02:08:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I'm making my final descent into LEBB, tryin to make an ILS landing on rwy 35, things look good on approach so I decide to leave the autothrottle and flight directors on until touchdown, bad mistake. Came down probably close to 200 fpm, collapsed the gear and struck both engines. Thank god nobody was killed.

Gridnky · 2 points · Posted at 02:09:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once made 3 fried eggs, admired them, and instantly dumped them into the garbage.

Then I remembered reading on one of these similar threads that another redditor did the same thing and i chuckled to myself.

AdrienneBeaky · 2 points · Posted at 02:09:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked up to my front door and tried to unlock it by clicking my car remote at it. Realized my mistake, laughed it off, then proceeded to try and unlock the front door with the actual car key instead.

Learntoswim86 · 2 points · Posted at 02:10:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I capped out the hours I could work for the month(276) so I got the next 2 days off. Was completely exhausted but decided I was gonna celebrate my time off with a little bit of beer drinking. I smoked at the time so I frequented this gas station a lot. Well I got the beer and made it to my car. Gas station employee stops me at my car and says are you gonna pay for that. Was so embarrassed just have apologized a hundred times.

slickk17 · 2 points · Posted at 02:11:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I went through a McDonald's drive through... I ordered and then I paid and then I just drove away without picking up my food...

Otachi365 · 2 points · Posted at 02:11:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apparently once really late at night my mum heard me get up but I wasn't walking towards the bathroom so she got up and took a look. She managed to stop me just before I started pissing on the printer. I was in the middle of unzipping my pants.

nryan85 · 2 points · Posted at 02:12:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reminds me of my brother. Tried going to the bathroom but my mom was already in there. In his sleepy state he just starting pissing on the door.

byurick48 · 2 points · Posted at 02:11:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brush my teeth in the shower. On autopilot i put a shit ton of toothpaste on my loofah. Was scrubbing my body and didnt realize something was wrong until some tingling sensastions started burning everywhere.

MKotter · 2 points · Posted at 02:15:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm leaving my apartment one morning. Only get a few steps down the hallway before I realize I forgot to lock the apartment door. I keep walking, but grab my keys from my pocket and press the "lock" button on my car key. Continue to press it irritatedly when I don't hear the "lock" sound from the door. Stood there like an idiot when I realized what I was doing

muffingrinder · 2 points · Posted at 02:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked all over for my keys at school and couldn’t find them. Decided to search the parking lot and I heard a car running.....it was mine. I left my car on for about 3 hours.

helloasianglow · 2 points · Posted at 02:17:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent hours and hours making the tastiest bone broth with a few chicken carcasses, celery, onions, carrots, fresh herbs. Went to strain all of that stuff and poured the broth down the drain, keeping the waste in the colander.

arielleisthecooliest · 2 points · Posted at 02:19:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with my boyfriend and since we are in different departments, we usually communicate via Skype.

Sometimes, we'd message each other little messages like good morning, ILY, bear hug emojis etc..

I decided to torment him a little bit and message "hello poopy boy" (inside joke). Thought I sent it to him but I was chatting to multiple people in Skype and it sent to another co-worker.

Luckily, the co-worker understood and just laughed. Later on I realised I almost sent that to my boss in response to him requesting to cover a shift. Glad that didn't happen 😅

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:24:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Am I the only one that was confused for like 30 mins because i thought by auto pilot you meant in a Tesla and I was trying to connect other comments to something Tesla related or is that just cause I’m baked ?

Lizard_brooks · 2 points · Posted at 02:28:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

1.) Making Breakfast, Decided I wanted peanut butter on my toast. Couple of days later I wanted to make eggs again, There were none in the fridge. But I found the peanut butter. I put the Peanut butter in the fridge and the eggs in the cabinet where the peanut butter goes.

2.) Was secretly dating a girl I worked with (was her boss.) She walked in to her shift and I casually went "Hey babe, I like your hair today." Her eyes got super big and went What? I replied What? Luckily no one heard. Could have lost my job.

3.) Local Pool hall I lived at ( not really lived but I would work 12 hours, go there for 6 hours, sleep and do that again. If I didn't work that day I would get up and be there to close. Did that for 4+ years.) closed. I went out to get food and ended up driving to the empty building expecting to go in eat and chill. I just sat in the parking lot for a good 10 minutes being very sad.

Supringsinglyawesome · 2 points · Posted at 02:29:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I went to bed at night, I knew it was supposed to snow that night, so I went to sleep hopeful for a snow day. I woke up, looked at my phone: 12:30, I usually wake up at 6:30 but for some reason, I went to my mom to ask her if the school called and said it was a snow day. She said no, and reminded me of the time. Never gonna live that down

dragontattman · 2 points · Posted at 02:29:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gone to the toilet. At least thats what I would have done at my house. At my new girlfriend of a few months house, I walked naked into her mother's room, pissed on the floor ( the kind of been drinking all night piss, that has so much piss built up , that it wakes you up on auto pilot, so yeah, lot of piss), then jumped in bed naked with her mother. When I woke the next morning, I was terrified,

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:30:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a bounce house and watched kids eat shit all the time, trampoline or on the floors around them.

We were always supposed to check on them.

I was at Sams Club with a friend when this dad is walking behind his daughter who breaks out into a sprint. She trips over her own feet and eats shit on the concrete, and pretty darn hard.

I go, "Oh my god sweeite are you okay?!?!?"

Immediately everything gets weird.

My friend, the dad, and the girl look at me like, "Bro what the fuck?" and she just gets up, says "Yeah" and everyone walks off without saying a word.

My friend gave me so much shit for that lol

maf3801 · 2 points · Posted at 02:31:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe not super wierd, but every now and then I zone out and upvote everything I see

girlfriendscreations · 2 points · Posted at 02:33:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other day, I had had a very long day at work. I work the ramp at the airport, and one of the things my job involves is pushing the planes out from the gate so that they can leave. After work, I pick up my S/O to get a quick lunch/dinner, and we decide on Wendy's...

We get up to the drive through box, and the guy says that he'll be with us in just a moment...

I respond, "Roger that, standing by, we're ready when you are."

Xylerz · 2 points · Posted at 02:34:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg into the pot of water I intended on boiling it in.. I guess I accidentally made a poached egg?

NoaiAludem · 2 points · Posted at 02:35:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to guitar shop with my guitar inside the case, to buy new strings. Asked for especially thin strings. The guy asked which guitar I had because some guitars work better with thicker strings.

I answered:

"The one in the case"

Zatch_Gaspifianaski · 2 points · Posted at 02:36:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks ago I wanted pizza so I browsed the websites of the nearby chains looking for a deal that sounded good. I ended up ordering take out from Pizza Hut. I got in my car and turned on my podcast thinking, strip mall in the Safeway parking lot, then Safeway auto pilot kicked in. I get there and say " I have an online order for Zatch." She looks at her screen and says, "I don't see anything, when did you order?" "About 20 minutes ago. I have the e-mailed receipt on my phone." I show her and she goes, "sir I'd love to take your business but this is Little Caesar's."

I'm sure my face was pretty red, but I laughed and facepalmed then quickly left.

CoolHandMike · 2 points · Posted at 02:40:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've driven our trash all over the place on accident. Our community has one location for trash and recyclables, so periodically I'll load a few bags into the trunk and then hit the spot on the way to somewhere else.

One time I zipped right past the trash place and went straight to my university where my car (plus two bags of kitchen trash) then sat in >90° F heat for several hours. Yeah that was not good.

dkbax · 2 points · Posted at 02:43:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made vegetable stock. Proceeded to pour the stock down the drain through a colander, as if I were draining pasta. Was sad because I had no stock.

KylsM · 2 points · Posted at 02:44:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working out in the mines as a bus driver and on the last day (after working long days for two weeks) would involve a 4am start working until 8am then the 2 hour flight back home. As soon as I get home I would want to get food for the week off. Drive to the shops, get food, jump back in the car which I left unlocked, beep three times to signal that I'm about to reverse which caused some weird looks, laugh to myself, then proceed to put the window wipers on instead of the indicator, flash the headlights to use the imaginary engine stop and after parking I would struggle to find the handbrake as it wasn't where I left it. I banished myself to stay home for the rest of the day.

Ourkan · 2 points · Posted at 02:45:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me: Good morning, how are you today?

Cute girl: Really good, how about you?

Me: Oh I’m doing pretty good, hOw ABoUt YoU?

She stares at me for a moment...

Cute girl: Good......

This moment has haunted me for 8 years man. 8 FRICKIN YEARS BRAIN GIVE IT A REST MAN.

squishy-lemons · 2 points · Posted at 02:45:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cooking one day and needed eggs so being the smart young adult I am, I grabbed the trash can and moved it next to me at the stove so I could throw the shells away easily.

I'm talking to my boyfriend casually with my roommate watching and having a great time.

Crack the egg on the counter, open it straight into the trash can. As soon as I opened the egg it was like time stopped and I just sorrowfully cried "Noooooooo" as my egg fell into the abyss as my boyfriend started shouting "Babe what are you doing!!!" and my roommate laughed.

laitoakasha · 2 points · Posted at 02:46:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you blow on your cereal to cool it down

futurefamousauthor · 2 points · Posted at 02:46:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put things in the cabinets or refrigerator that do not go there. Example: I put the windex (window cleaner) in the fridge, the laundry detergent in the kitchen cabinets, and empty cups in the fridge.

BehindTheBrook · 2 points · Posted at 02:47:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After my tonsillectomy I was pretty messed up on hydrocodone and other meds. Walked into the bathroom and started peeing, looked down and the seat was closed. Looked up and continued peeing for another 5 secs before realizing and freaking out.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:47:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought myself stuff at the gas station. Paid with a 20 and walked out without my change or my food. Felt stupid walking back in.

ChinchillaFurBoat · 2 points · Posted at 02:47:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stood over the trashcan with an egg and a bowl. Cracked the egg into the trash can and put the shell in the bowl.

MoistBrevity · 2 points · Posted at 02:51:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pour coffee. No sugar in bowl. Retrieve 5lb bag of sugar from cupboard. Dump 1 cup of sugar into 8oz cup of coffee.

Gr8_Bamb3an0 · 2 points · Posted at 02:51:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the phone with 2 girls in like 7th grade... totally falling asleep on the couch whilst on the phone, around 2003ish or so... hear then talking as I'm drifting off into sleep. I start to dream as a salmon swimming up river in murky water. I hear one of the girls say, "blah blah blah...how?"

To which I reply with, "I have no clue. The water is so muddy, I have no idea how they could see."

They both reply, "huh?" And I just hang up the house phone and roll over.

FilmandBeats · 2 points · Posted at 02:52:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 17 I worked as a cashier at a grocery store. Auto Pilot is inevitable in this job and as I’m having one of these moments, I’m watching the woman in the lane across from us buy a birthday cake, hats, candles, etc. I snap out of it when my register opened and as I give my customer their receipt I said, “happy birthday”. They looked at me confused and I was just as confused as they were. I’m 24 now and I think about once a month.

AMA_about_wumbology · 2 points · Posted at 02:54:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Not as much auto pilot as more of my half asleep ass not being able to distinguish between dreams and reality and as a consequence acting out on it.

Back when I was still living with my parents, my bedroom was right next to theirs. One night I was having a casual but vivid dream that a friend of mine (call him Ben), who was notorious for getting himself in rather precarious situations often, was sleeping over.

So when my sobconscious picked up on my mother making her way back from the bathroom, my dream adapted and I thought Ben got up from bed heading straight for my parents' bedroom. My reaction was to literally jump out of bed, bolt out of my room only to intercept my mom upon reentering her bedroom and grab her by the wrist trying to drag her out, mumbling “wtf are you doing Benny, get back here“ for a good 30 seconds, before my rightfully shocked mother realized I was still barely awake and burst into laughter which snapped me back into reality and left me terribly confused as to how Ben had suddenly had turned into my mother laughing at me.

Sleep interruption is one helluva drug

christianwwolff · 2 points · Posted at 02:54:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my Uber driver dropped me off at the airport the other day, he wished me a good flight. I instinctively said "thanks, you too!".

I'm still mortified.

Aerdynn · 2 points · Posted at 02:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a safari attraction in Orlando, and I crossed my facts on reticulated Giraffe and warthogs. It turns out Warthogs can grow 16-18 feet in height and engage in an activity called necking.

yesflashphotography · 2 points · Posted at 02:55:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night I was playing video games and waiting for my significant other to come home. I'm on major auto pilot when I play video games.....I also happened to be pretty horny that night.

I texted my SO something along the lines of "when are you coming home, I'm horny...."

Two seconds later I get a "?????" response from my boss. And then about 5 follow up messages ranging from "lol" to "you will never live this down"

I have indeed never lived it down.

stevegully · 2 points · Posted at 02:56:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a grocery store for 11 years. Blocking/fronting/facing are terms used to describe pulling product forward on the shelf to fill in gaps and make the aisle look freshly stocked. It is a point of constant upkeep by all different kinds of employees in any grocery store.

The store is right around the corner from my house and I went there for party stuffs with some buddies. While we were in the cookies and cracker aisle I was blocking/fronting/facing the aisle while we were chatting about what we needed.

My friend pointed out what I was doing and I had to do a double take. Completely subconscious effort.

thebiggest00f · 2 points · Posted at 02:56:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All my friends were cramming into one car to go out and eat. I can’t remember what one of my friends said, but after she said it, I let out the loudest “MOOOOMMMMM!!!” in the most annoyed tone. Everyone was dying. I call her mom every once in a while when joking around now.

Placcy · 2 points · Posted at 02:56:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will get buried. But once almost had a breakdown because I couldn't find my phone whilst on the phone. I was being rushed.

Ring ring

Her: I'm outside..You got everything?

Me: I think so...(wallet, keys, weed,.....phone????)

M: Gimmie a sec (phone still to ear) it's here somewhere, just had It..

H: what are you looking f.....

M: JUST LET ME LOOK!!! (Takes phone away from ear looking parthetically around the room*

M: I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK IT IS!!! FUCK IT I'M COMING DOWN. Ends call and puts it back in my pocket

I run downstairs to the car...

H: What couldn't you find babe?

M: (mega pissed off) my fucking phone.

H: (Poker faced as fuck) You only have ONE and you was on it to me. DO YOU HAVE TWO PHONES!!!

Cue a lot of explanation of how I was looking for the phone I was talking on.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:56:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this. mom brain is very real, folks.

JusticeTaco · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often throw my dirty clothes in the trash and my trash in the hamper

theRailisGone · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other day:

  • Want eggnogg
  • Retrieve eggnog from fridge
  • Retrieve cup from cupboard
  • Pour cup of eggnog
  • Put away eggnog in cupboard
  • Open fridge to put away eggnog again
  • ...

This occurred more than once. I'm not normally that dumb, I swear.

tommitogvagn · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to open the door to my home several times with my work key card after a very long and busy day.

Just stood there, booping the lock of the door repeadetly with the card wondering why it didn't work.

Went for a fairly loud "What the actual fuck are you doing??" to myself (outloud), got my keys and opened door.

SirEcho · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had just finished eating a meal. Instead of putting the dishes in the sink I opened up the bin and dumped all the dirty dishes in there. It wasn't till the next morning that I saw a bunch of dishes in the bin that made me realise I fucked up.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At school, I went to get a coffee and then put some milk in it. Instead of opening the little cup and pouring the milk in my coffee, I poured it directly in the trash can. It happened to me twice and both times I just laughed liked an idiot and hoped the food ladies didn't see me.

Chro_no · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my woodworking class in 9th grade, the teacher was showing something to the rest of the class and I was struggling on something with my project and, while not paying attention I yelled "What the fuck!" and the entire class heard. I live in a pretty religious place so everyone stared at me in disbelief while the teacher yelled at me.

Sebastian5367 · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a tube of standard CVS acne cream that I keep by my sink. I also have a medium sized tube of tooth paste.

It’s 3am, I’ve just finished writing a paper and I’m getting ready to go to bed. Guess who rubbed tooth paste all over his face and only realized the awful mix up when the vile taste of acne cream entered his mouth.

Dogs_Fucking_Suck · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the kitchen looking for an ashtray, ended up eating something and went back without the ashtray, did that twice in a row.

cherise605 · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually crack an egg into a bowl over the garbage and then toss the shells. One time, I cracked the egg into the garbage and put the shells into the bowl.

TheFiredrake42 · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Helping a coworker finish morning food prep at Pizza Place. As I'm chopping up veggies, she's prepping buckets of pizza sauce. She opens up her first can, bends the lid up, turns around, and pours all the sauce right into the trash can.

Immediate deer in the headlights look followed by a profuse apology. She looked so red and flustered, I couldn't help but belly laugh so hard I had to just walk away for a minute.

bumbletowne · 2 points · Posted at 02:57:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying I love you at the end of a phone call with my boss. Okay yeah I'll stop by Costco and pick up the food, okay love you bye bye,

Damn you husband.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 02:58:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work I wear a badge that gets me in/out the doors. I use is many times through out the day. Ive caught myself using it to get out of the bathroom many times (which... isn't necessary) Dumber yet Ive come home and went to grab it at my waste to get out my bedroom door. Idek man. Lol. I do a shit ton of these auto pilot things but this is what stands out at the moment.

Muthafuxajones · 2 points · Posted at 02:58:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working continuous night shifts had me so zoned out that one particularly long night I only remember leaving the production floor. The next thing I recall is driving my car onto the road that I live on. Pulled a blank of everything from walking to my locker room, changing out of my dirty clothes and into my street clothes, leaving the plant, or getting into my car. Still gives me such an uneasy feeling when I think about it.

OrangeSensation · 2 points · Posted at 02:58:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got into an unlocked silver car right next to mine . I’ve done this more times than i care to admit.

OrdinaryTalk · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did this two weeks ago, what caught me was the seat belt strap was in a slightly different position.

--Neat-- · 2 points · Posted at 02:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up to go to the bathroom. Walked into the kitchen, used the foot paddle for the trash can, and proceeded to piss onto a nearly full trash bag for 2 seconds before I realized what was going on.

Dozing_bull · 2 points · Posted at 02:58:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school, once I got home the first thing I did was take off my shoes. Then go to the toilet, take a shower, eat food, etc. Well one day my head must've been thinking faster than I could keep up with because I took my socks off (in the loungeroom), walked to the bathroom and dumped them straight into the toilet. Worst part for me was the fact that I realised what I had done as soon as I had let go.

leshiye · 2 points · Posted at 03:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to brush teeth, put soap on toothbrush instead of toothpaste

Sergeant_Doughnut · 2 points · Posted at 03:01:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but when I was younger my mom made a deal with me and my brother that if she accidentally drove us to school instead of summer camp or wherever during break she would take us to get ice cream

Partytime-Escape · 2 points · Posted at 03:02:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I went to see a movie I handed my ticket to the man at the door and he said "enjoy your show", I said "you too" without even realizing till I sat down.

Now I do it just to mess with them

ronswansonchairs · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m tech support. I said I love you to a customer on the phone without noticing.

When I noticed I hung up and laughed uncontrollably for 20 minutes.

American_Life · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a YouTuber did a makeup tutorial in their Tesla on Auto Pilot. Weird flex game but okay.

AkBlind · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I formed a bad habit of beginning to undo my pants as I walk to the bathroom. Well apparently that’s not as acceptable in a professional setting. Luckily it was only one person who saw.

Feraljunebug · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working three jobs at one point. Got home super late, shut the car off, took my key fob out then grabbed a plastic bag full of trash out of my car. Walked over to the dumpster, then promptly lifted the lid and threw my keys in. Took a good couple seconds for my brain to realize that’s not how that transaction is supposed to work, then had to go dumpster diving for my keys.

PM_THE_GUY_BELOW_ME · 2 points · Posted at 03:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just this morning I peeled a banana, tossed the banana in the trash and had the peel in my mouth before I realized my mistake.

zeroexposure1 · 2 points · Posted at 03:06:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got to my front door after a long day and pulled out my subway metro card from my wallet instead of my keys.

jeanjacketenthusiast · 2 points · Posted at 03:12:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked over to the dining table with a beer and sriracha, set the sriracha down and poured my beer into my fried rice. Honestly wasn’t bad and I’d do it again

MedievalAngel · 2 points · Posted at 03:13:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to walgreens to buy... Something... Idk. Anyway it was a few dollars and some odd cents so I gave them a few dollars and said "wait I think I have the correct change" and gave them that as well. And they said " thanks have a nice day!" And I stood there, staring at them, waiting for my change back, thinking they were trying to scam me out of my pennies! Finally they gave me an odd look and realized I gave them the exact amout so I dont get change...

goodsuburbanite · 2 points · Posted at 03:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning I take my pills and get my daughter's pills. A few times I have put mine in a little cup to give her and taken hers. So by the time I have taken mine, I have consumed bupropion, venalfexafine, Zoloft, and blood pressure meds. Weeeee.

andwillmart · 2 points · Posted at 03:14:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking to my family in the kitchen and had to pee really bad. Got distracted pulled my pants down and started to pee in the trash can

AVerySoftDog · 2 points · Posted at 03:14:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as transport in a hospital and one time I brought a lady down for a quick X-Ray, she was there for back surgery or something but when she was talking to the RAD Tech she mentioned something like "the doctor said I have to use a walker, and I don't have time for that" in like a joking manner, and without thinking I almost blurted out "well you don't have much time anyway." Probably would have lost my job tbh.

dakdaros · 2 points · Posted at 03:16:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove my ex wife to work one morning. She gets out of the car and said "I love you" before shutting the door. She didn't live it down for a week.

GamerGal69 · 2 points · Posted at 03:19:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I shower I like to listen to music so I’ll bring my phone with me. I was getting undressed and was looking to set my phone down, and for some reason I looked at the toilet and tossed my phone into it. I’m not sure what made me do it haha but as soon as I did I realized what I did and I got it out and dried it off.

doe-poe · 2 points · Posted at 03:21:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cashier: "hello."

Me: "doing good."

novemberaire · 2 points · Posted at 03:21:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just ended a long day at work and popped into Whole Foods to grab a quick bite to eat.

I went outside, got into my car, and started opening my sandwich. I looked in the middle console and saw blueberries and started to scold myself for leaving blueberries in the car during a hot day. Then I looked behind me and saw a car seat and started to panic. “Did I leave my child in the store? Where is it?”

And then I realised.

I don’t have a kid.

This is the wrong car.

Got out and ran off and found my ACTUAL car luckily without seeing the owner of the “fake” car...

nicktohzyu · 2 points · Posted at 03:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home, took off my socks, threw them in the toilet bowl

AlwaysPhrasing · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a telemarketing position. Had a short and decent conversation with an older guy on the phone and ended the call with “Well okay, I’ll talk to you later. Love you, bye.” I’m a married man

Jdalton4000 · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Farting loudly in public and then having to blame the leather chair. Explaining the smell is easy "Oops, I forgot to brush my teeth".

waaaaaaaaaaaat_ · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove two hours in wrong direction without thinking. I was in Portland OR and was trying to visit a friend in Seattle. I am from Oakland CA and frequently used to drive between Portland and Oakland to visit family. I put on an audiobook and got on I-5 headed south and just autopiloted all the way to Eugene before I realized what I was doing. Literally more than doubled my drive time lol.

FairGuardian14 · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy your meal sir" "Thanks, you too"

My date couldn't keep a straight face, nor could the server.

purpleredhearts · 2 points · Posted at 03:23:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always switch my words around such as:

"Can I have sauce to wipe away my napkins?"

"Turn over there"

"Close the lights"

hoodgingas · 2 points · Posted at 03:24:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to a fast food place to get breakfast one morning. I got my food from the drive thru, proceeded to pull up the the trash can at the end of the drive thru lane, rolled down my window, threw my newly purchased honey butter chicken biscuit in the trash and drove away. I got about 5 minutes down the road before i realized what I had done

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:25:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg over the trash and tossed the shells into the pan and microwaved an already boiled egg (THAT was such a mess to clean).

On a non-egg related note, also microwaved instant ramen without adding water (oh, the smell, the burning smell of dry noodles) and tossed it out the window, only to go get it back because stray cats live around here. 😢

kanoGL · 2 points · Posted at 03:25:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to party but whatever.

When I was younger I ised to drink milo + milk so as I was about to do my cup of milo milk i proceed to pour the milk inside the whole milo container and I didnt realize until I had poured half the container!

Felt stupid but laughed about it.

KnockMeYourLobes · 2 points · Posted at 03:26:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't even tell you how many times I've picked up the phone and said "Thank you for calling (School Name cafeteria). This is Lobes. How may I help you?" before...at home.

crazydiamond420 · 2 points · Posted at 03:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

pulled up to the gas station. walked in and handed the lady $20. pump number 4 please. Walked back to my car, got in, and drove tf away

calidude18 · 2 points · Posted at 03:26:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

(NYC) Walked right into the subway turnstile, apparently thinking I didn’t have to swipe my metro card to gain access. I ride the subway every day so that was severe autopilot for me.

SuperEscape · 2 points · Posted at 03:26:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started driving by myself a bit over a year ago. For the first 6ish months, every once in a while I would hop in the passenger seat and sit there confused for a minute before realizing I had to drive the car myself. Had quite a few good laughs at myself

yankeegentleman · 2 points · Posted at 03:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking to a co-worker at the urinal and walk to the sink area with my pp still out

YourFinestSkittles · 2 points · Posted at 03:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I forgot I was at work one day (I work in a call center) and I held nothing back with a fart. Was the most embarrassing thing I have ever done in the office, and just like with my fart, people held nothing back taunting me. We opened an office accross the country a few months later and I couldn't move fast enough.

GerryAttric · 2 points · Posted at 03:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was getting a bj from my ex-wife when I called her by my first wife's name

PhoenixRising625 · 2 points · Posted at 03:27:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

TL/DR Driven home from work (old job) without really remembering how I did it.

Several years ago I worked as a paraprofessional (teacher’s aid) at a high school an hour away from where I lived. Because it was a high stress job most days I would be exhausted by the end of the day. One more than one occasion I had to pull over at a little rest area on my way home because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. A few times I drove home with no recollection of how I made it safely home. I was super lucky I didn’t get killed or kill someone else

lovesickpirate · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done that a couple of times. When I came back to the space, I looked in my review to make sure I didn’t just drive out of some crazy scene from a movie. Scary as hell. But, know the feeling.

TinUser · 2 points · Posted at 03:27:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Domino's for about 3 years and I kept my money/ receipts in the center console of my car so I wouldn't lose anything. every time I got back to the store I would park, turn the car off, unbuckle, and open my center console for the money. I haven't worked there for about a year but I still open it every time I turn my car off and look inside to see nothing and realize what I just did and wonder when the hell i'll stop.

BillowyWave5228 · 2 points · Posted at 03:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

3 weeks ago I stayed at my aunts house, and while we were standing in the kitchen, she leaned into give me a hug, and I leaned in and kissed her on her lips and then immediately pulled away. It was completely due to the fact that I had been with my girlfriend earlier and was thinking of her at the moment so instinct kicked in and I went to do what I normally do with my girlfriend and kissed my aunt. She laughed it off and I was apologizing profusely but still feel like a complete idiot

jason_nyc · 2 points · Posted at 03:28:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A particularly spacey friend of mine went to pick up something at the pharmacy, got back in her car, drove off, starting eating a candy she found in the cupholder, looked in the rearview and spots a baby seat. Realizing it's not her car, candy, or baby seat (no actual baby) she hauls it back to the parking lot. Bunch of frantic people that had obviously left their fob in the car waving her down wondering who stole the car. She kind of just shrugged and was like 'sorry'.

Mincecroft · 2 points · Posted at 03:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once was looking for my phone whilst I was in the middle of a call with a friend. I even said to him, "hold on a sec I'm looking for my phone"

RosiePies · 2 points · Posted at 03:28:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A girl in one of my smaller college classes let one rip. We all kinda looked at her and she said “sorry, I forgot where I was...” I find farting hilarious and had to leave class for a bit because I couldn’t keep it together.

Rogue42bdf · 2 points · Posted at 03:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will be buried, but oh well,
It was Friday, it had been a long week. I got home and I couldn’t get my apartment door unlocked. I was getting really frustrated and mad. No matter how many times I pushed that unlock button on my car fob, the damn apartment door wouldn’t open.

darnit88 · 2 points · Posted at 03:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Half asleep poured orange juice on to a paper plate instead of a cup..

reble02 · 2 points · Posted at 03:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been working for Playstation tech support for about 3 weeks, my first week on the phones I answer a call like I was at my old job, "thank you for calling pizza hut will this be for delivery or carry out".

betser22 · 2 points · Posted at 03:34:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for my phone when I'm talking on it. Lol

Everyname22 · 2 points · Posted at 03:34:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spanked my grandpa's butt.

I have a habit of gently smacking/patting my immediate family's (husband, small children) behinds when they walk past me. My grandpa had his bottom turned towards me and without thinking, I spanked it. 😥 I'm still traumatized.

bradleysm · 2 points · Posted at 03:34:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not weird, funny or embarrassing but I was in Best Buy with my son. They had balloons and gave my son one who was 2 or so at the time. Not long after I got it tied on his wrist, he got it off and it started floating to the ceiling. With out skipping a beat I just reached up and grabbed the string. I remember people looking at me in bewilderment at what I just did on total reflex/autopilot.

MahatmaGuru · 2 points · Posted at 03:35:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does Ambien count as autopilot?

drift_summary · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ambien, the racist drug - it's great!

itch-bay · 2 points · Posted at 03:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my phone in my pocket when I was heading out the door on my way to work. Got to the office and went to pull out my phone. Turns out iPhones and pop tarts are roughly the same shape and size.

Raider5151 · 2 points · Posted at 03:37:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was the in the Navy. 5 and dime watch rotation with a 7 to 3 workday. So I get off the 5pm-10pm. Shower. Collapse into rack thinking I might actually get 6 hours of sleep. Jerk myself awake convinced I'm late for watch. Jump into my coveralls. Sprint to the plant and runinto the person I relieved. Super confused he looks at me and says "you've been gone 2 hours..." I ruined my sleep time

LissaBee81 · 2 points · Posted at 03:38:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At times I get on the freeway to go out and about to run errands and end up inadvertently driving to work. I don’t even notice where I’m going until it’s been almost 10 minutes out of the way.

THAT_ISNT_MILK · 2 points · Posted at 03:38:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my Keurig on my stove burner and then turned said burner on before going back to my computer. I used to place the Keurig on the burner in order to make room on my small countertop. Not anymore.

LennyIsBack · 2 points · Posted at 03:38:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just this past Monday I walked out of Walmart carrying the basket. I just set it in one of the carts and hoped nobody I knew was around.

raxokek · 2 points · Posted at 03:38:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was watching TV before school and I had the remote in my hand, and when we left we went into the car, I walked up to school. And then my friend asked why I had a remote in my hand. The pilot in my brain is a fetus.

redheadedmandy · 2 points · Posted at 03:38:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove all the way to work (~21 miles south) before realizing that I was supposed to be driving north on the same road to my parents' house.

quadorodriguez · 2 points · Posted at 03:39:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to mcdonalds with my friend and ordered a large fry and a burger. Went outside with my tray and sat in my car. I also smoke after a meal so i got one out and put it on the side of the tray. I dumped my fries on the tray and finished my burger. Im one of those people that grab about six fries at a time and i shoved them all in my mouth without realizing i accidentally grabed my smoke also. It took me a good minute to realize what i did and i opened the door and started throwing up all over the parking lot. My friend saw the whole thing and just let it happen. He thought it was hilarious.

jgos1108 · 2 points · Posted at 03:39:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a particularly long and exhausting day at work, I decided to treat myself to some Chick Fil A for dinner. Yes please. I was going to go through the drive thru, so I already had my card in my hand. But the drive thru at the one I stopped at is weird, and I would have had to drive all the way around the building to get to it. So I thought it’ll just be easier to go inside. So I turn off my car and chucked my keys in my purse like I always do. Then I thought “I already have my card out, I’ll just take my wallet instead of my whole purse.”

Then I go inside and place my order. When I go to pay, I put my card in the chip reader like always. But I was using a Visa gift card that my boss had recently given me for working overtime. I took it out, realized my mistake, saw the barcode on the back of the gift card and tried to swipe that part of the card. Then I realized my mistake again. When I finally swiped it properly, I noticed a Chick Fil A employee standing next to me. She said coolly “I was wondering how long it was gonna take for you to figure that out.” I chuckle and think, yeah, it’s been a long day. Can’t wait to go home and eat. I get my food, walk out to my car, and then trudge through the snow back inside when I realize I’d locked my keys in my car. That girl watched me sit and eat my food while I waited an hour for Pop-A-Lock to show up. She probably thinks I’m the dumbest person.

daemienus · 2 points · Posted at 03:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Coworker was leaving 1 hour early on a Friday and came to my office to say bye. I say "Oh, leaving early, eh, what are you up to?".

She replies and I instantly go "alright!! Have fun", fully expecting her to have said she was going to a party or something.

Took my brain about 15 seconds to process she actually said she was going to a funeral.

I drove back home that day facepalming myself the whole way.

JeffInBoulder · 2 points · Posted at 03:40:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The new baby sleep-deprivation phase led to a bunch of these for me.

Sat at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green

Forgot how to write a check at the grocery store.

Staring blankly at various checkout / cash register employees when they tried to make small talk.

Roughest couple of weeks I've had

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 03:40:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put milk in the cabinet. Literally don't see an entire wall right in front of me. Throws food in garbage and garbage in my mouth

Freakawn · 2 points · Posted at 03:40:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ketchup in the drinking glass.

Cesar on the pasta instead of the salad.

Mostly food stuff.

hollymir · 2 points · Posted at 03:41:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my assistant “Bye, I love” and then stopped when I realized it was a work call. She laughed and said “Well now you need to finish that thought.” So I told her, “you.”

Gasmask_Boy · 2 points · Posted at 03:41:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my teacher mom in elementary school. And the whole class heard. I'm not he brightest bulb in the box

jimneutron95 · 2 points · Posted at 03:41:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the bathroom to wash my hands and brushed my teeth instead

ghostbt · 2 points · Posted at 03:42:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking to someone on the phone while angrily looking for my phone.

_NotSarah · 2 points · Posted at 03:43:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend searched for her phone for two hours with her phone's flashlight in hand.

Sorellar · 2 points · Posted at 03:44:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have a trash can in our kitchen at home that automatically opens when your hand is near it. Well now I find myself waiting for other things to open all on their own. Toilet seat, garbage bin outside, cabinets, etc. Pretty embarrassing when I'm at someone else's house waiting for their trash can to open and they're wondering if I can't figure out how to use it.

98Integrals · 2 points · Posted at 03:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning in college I was doing my morning routine of trying to wake up and get ready for class. I grabbed pop tarts like every other morning and threw them in the toaster. I then went to get my coffee brewing and stood by the sink waiting for the toaster to pop. Kept waiting. Kept waiting. Finally I figured wtf is taking so long... did the toaster get unplugged? Nope. Then I noticed my pop tarts weren’t in the toaster and I got really confused. Turns out I set them in the microwave.

NikkiNothing597 · 2 points · Posted at 03:45:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school it was my turn to bring a snack to an after school function, so I brought hot chocolate and brownies. I handed this one girl a hot chocolate and she gave me this irritated stare, and asked me why I put a brownie in her hot chocolate. We argued about it for a while, me being vehemently insistent that she was lying or crazy, and her insisting that I picked up a brownie, put it in her cup, filled it with hot chocolate and handed it to her. She drank the hot chocolate and showed me the soaked brownie at the bottom. D'oh.

tulipjelly · 2 points · Posted at 03:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On my way home from work one day I saw that the traffic light was red and thought "Yep, red means go" and drove through the light. About 30 seconds later I realized what I did

Milwaukeean6 · 2 points · Posted at 03:46:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to McDonalds after a rough day of work in a call center. Placed my order, drove to the window to pay, got my card back and just drove off. Wasn’t until I got home I realized I didn’t go to the next window to get my food.

tuckyd · 2 points · Posted at 03:47:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up really tired and went to go make some eggs. Got out a bowl for the eggs to go to and opened up the trash can. Proceeded to crack the first egg on the counter and then pour it directly into the trash.

The70sUsername · 2 points · Posted at 03:47:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mother used to have me schoufer her to Starbucks daily.

For several years I would get in my car and make it 50% of the way to that same Starbucks before I remembered I was going somewhere entirely diferent.

Tarbal81 · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put a bowl of dog food out for my nephew who was crawling on the floor.

Giraffeasuar · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened today actually. Went to Tim's though the drive-through. Paid for my coffee and said thank you. Proceeded to drive away without my coffee.

Galvandium · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made cereal for myself and put the milk back in the cabinet and the cereal box in the fridge. Didn’t notice until I went to get my second bowl.

boredandhungry5 · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at walmart one semester in college. We were really busy and I was really thirsty. I finally got to the last customer and was going to take a sip of my water bottle as the receipt printed. I handed her my water bottle instead of her receipt. I told her it had been a long day and we both had a good laugh about it.

icespark · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a pizza delivery driver, I once drove all the way to the end of our delivery area to deliver a pizza to an apartment complex. Once I got to the complex, I promptly turned around and left, without having delivered the order. I didn’t realize I hadn’t delivered it until I was almost back to the store.

igottwixupmysleeve · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In seventh grade, I was on safety patrol at my school. All we had to do was open and close doors for the students and say “Have a nice day!” to the parents. One morning, a mom dropped off her kids and said “love you” to her kids. Not thinking, I said “love you too!” and shut the door. Worse part was the awkward stare through the car door window for a good five seconds.

rseay · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent hours making chicken stock with chicken bones, celery, onions, and herbs. It smelled great and I was super excited for it. When it was finally done I promptly strained all of it down the drain like you would with pasta and was left with nothing but chicken bones and soggy veggies.

ashlynnk · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting up at 430AM to go to the gym, but was worried I wouldn’t wake up in time. I had gone to bed late because I was packing for a trip to Hawaii. At some point during the night something had fallen on the floor and I was doing the whole wake up at every hour worried I wouldn’t wake up on time thing... Until I realized the thing that fell on the floor was my phone and the battery popped out an hour after I dropped it. Shoved it back in and the time on the screen read 445am

Faaaaaack

Dropped my suitcase on my foot on the way out the door, hopped in my car and the time reads 145. My thought process was “my battery must have died, but I don’t have time to worry about this now”.. 5 minutes into my drive I look down and there’s a triangle on my phone “Would you like to reset for your proper time zone?”

Oh. No. I mean.. Yes, yes I do.

Phone updates... 1:45

AFRSFSPPRB · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating a meat pie, and I went to grab the tomato sauce bottle to squeeze some into my pie, only I ended up grabbing my open Pepsi bottle and pouring Pepsi into my pie instead.

Mariotzu · 2 points · Posted at 03:49:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At was at the bus staring at a baby on a lady's lap, thinking about a lot of stuff not paying attention at nothing else but the kid when I suddenly realized the lady was breastfeeding that baby, looking at me with utterly disgust thinking I was looking at her breasts. I inmediatly went to the back of the bus and stayed there the rest of the journey home.

twistedsister78 · 2 points · Posted at 03:50:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister tried to light her cigarette with a tampon

Kriptyk12 · 2 points · Posted at 03:50:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at lunch with friends and I was particularly tired that day and kind of checked out/zoned out. One thing led to another in their conversations and they all started roasting each other. I’m a quiet person and generally don’t talk or interrupt in big groups and it was unlikely to them I was going to speak up. A girl said something about how I was a virgin or some dumb bs and I surprisingly had a rebuttal. “This coming from the girl who falls in love with every guy she meets.” Nothing too savage or anything I just was still checked out and had no idea I had said anything.

karismakannon · 2 points · Posted at 03:50:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in equine care. I was leading a horse to this circular auto walker, and when the door is opened the dividers inside of it stop moving. I brought the horse in and brought it back to the hitching post while the horses still in the walker were standing there like uhhh now what?

cinnabark · 2 points · Posted at 03:50:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove to my office, sat down at my desk, and then attempted to put on my seat belt.

Kyleislazy · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago I was tired and preoccupied and I opened a car door similar to the one I was in and I proceeded to sit in the back seat of someone else car for about 2 minutes before I realized this wasn't my dad's car.

sammmiesoup · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a secure facility that you have to badge into to get in. There’s no “piggy-backing” allowed so only one person can go through the door at a time. When walking through it’s totally normal to be in mid conversation, badge in, quickly slam the door behind you, wait for other person to come through, and continue conversation.

The amount of times I’ve slammed the door on someone while walking and talking because of this quite amazing. Always so embarrassing.

brittroaming · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About five minutes ago, I saw this gif and blew on my screen to get the concrete dust off the floor https://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/a8f7m6/concrete_stencil_removal/?st=JPYXEEKU&sh=db5b22f5

Jessi-Kina · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger and microwaves were for royalty, milk used to be heated on stovetop in a pot or pan. One day I heated some milk only to look in before pouring it into my cup to see a boiled daddy long legs swimming around in his last attempt to stay alive. It grossed me out.

Ever since that fateful day I have this habit where I tip over glasses when I get them out of the cupboard, before I use it, just in case there is an insect in it.

Suffice to say while sitting at a table drinking from a filled cup, I have gone to take a sip of something and straight up just reflexively tipped over glasses that I’ve already been drinking from more than I care to admit. Worst part is it just looks like I did it on purpose...

Black_Stallion97 · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in an apartment complex where all of the floors are identical right off the elevator, aside from the giant number painted on the wall. Just got done with a long shift at work and it was probably 10 pm when I got off. I got on the elevator, presses my floor, and waited. The elevator stopped and I got off assuming it was my floor because I was the only person on the elevator. It wasn’t my floor. Walked straight into another persons apartment and it didn’t even register that it wasn’t my place because the inside of each apartment was identical too. First thought was “who are these girls in my apartment”. When it finally clicked I just said “shit sorry” and slowly backed out. They must have seen the terror on my face because they just laughed and said it was ok.

Fl4ze · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought a sandwich at the school cafeteria and threw my change instead of the bag of the sandwich into the trashcan..

SweetD117 · 2 points · Posted at 03:51:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone asked me to pass their phone to them, I unplugged it from a charger and instead of dropping the cable I dropped their phone and reached out with the cord. Just lucky the screen didn’t crack.

Randomperson3029 · 2 points · Posted at 03:52:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My job at work consist of signing these carpets to confirm they have been checked before they get sent to land rover to be fitted with cars.

So for 8 hours every day I sign the date with my signature as well as "land rover cc" to say its for land rover.

Anyway whenever I have to sign for anything I always seem to also put "land rover cc"

SimplyDupdge · 2 points · Posted at 03:55:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was doing a puzzle with my grandma while sucking on a loli pop. I accidentally put a puzzle piece into my mouth instead of the loli pop once.

mochili96 · 2 points · Posted at 03:56:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working as a barista at a high volume cafe in bryant park, nyc.

On one of my off days I went to another cafe and as I was leaving, drink in hand, the register person said "thanks, have a nice day." And I instinctively yelled back "following guest please step forward!" I turned around, looked at the register person to see if he noticed what I did, a quick pause and we both laughed. Walked away so embarrassed and thinking if I should shorten my hours.

beardedmuggle · 2 points · Posted at 04:08:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More than once I've tried using my car remote to unlock my front door.

ysalih12345 · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Hello”

“Hi”

“Anything else for today?”

“No, that would be it, just a sandwich.”

“ Ok, your total is X.XX”

pays

“Thank you, enjoy your meal!”

“Thanks, you too”

CadetinSpace · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was hoping to get stories from pilots. Bummee

SheevDankpatine · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my 5th grade teacher “mom”. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that.

desk12345 · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was filling out an application form for a charity with my friend and signed his name instead of mine

daaerion · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my jacket away at the airport today instead of a used paper towel

Mikedog6000 · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was eating breakfast when my 5am alarm went off for work. I got dressed and immediately rushed out the door. I drove to work and when I was getting buzzed in, I noticed the normal front desk guy was a different person. I asked the guy what happened to Duffey and the guy bust out laughing. He tells me Duffey is scheduled on 1 card days and should be here TOMORROW. Yeah... I went into work on my day off because my "work alarm" went off.

Gerkorn · 2 points · Posted at 04:10:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger we used to go camping in a caravan a lot. The path from my bed in the caravan to the fridge is kinda similar to the path from my bed at home to the toilet. I woke up one night needing to go to the toilet and walked over to the fridge, unzipped and ruined a nice family holiday.

CallMeMB3 · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in restaurants, it is common to say “corner” when walking round corners so servers don’t run into each other with trays full of food and drink.

Some times when I walked around school or random places I used to yell “corner” loudly on auto pilot while rounding corners.

glucose-fructose · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This'll be buried but TWICE have I opened my straw, throw away the straw, and tried to shove the wrapping into my drink.

The clerk saw me once and it killed him, hahaha

hornswogglerator · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Swallowed two tic tacs like they were pills one morning while I was trying to get ready for work

Waterstealer · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

took a bite of celery, drank some water to wash it down.

took a bite of celery, drank some water to wash it down.

drank some water, opened my mouth to eat celery.

spilled water all over my shirt.

FlingingDice · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom couldn't let a month go by without leaving her keys in the microwave.

The routine was: Get up, make coffee, shower, makeup, clothes, put leftover coffee in microwave in preparation for the commute, remove coffee, place keys in microwave, pour coffee into travel mug, leave house, stand dumbly in front of car.

For bonus points, sometimes, after setting the coffee on the roof of the car and going inside to retrieve the keys, she would then drive away with the coffee still on the roof. She lost a stupid amount of travel mugs that way...

imnotanevilwitch · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dumped coffee grounds into my cup of coffee instead of sugar

Javerian · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put salt in the fridge.

dannz0rs · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in highschool I was always trying to leave at the last minute for school. Ended up one day sleepily getting into my blazer uniform getting driven to school just to realise I was wearing socks and thongs (aka: sandals/flip-flops/jandals) instead of the uniform black leather shoes

Paulmanaitor · 2 points · Posted at 04:11:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Showed up at work with one black and one brown shoe. That's what happens when you have a new born.

buckleyethan3 · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was my first day ever working at Hungry Jack’s (Burger King) and I full “bro-ed” it out with my boss on accident.

I have played rugby and other sports for a lot of my life, this accompanied with the habits of high school meant I had a very common routine when it came to greeting mates and such.

As a high schooler I applied for my first job at Hungry Jack’s (HJ’s) and to my surprise I actually landed a job there, got the phone call and text to let me know when my first shift was and all.

I was stoked but also extremely nervous, I walked through the doors and you best believe nervousness clouded my judgment and auto-pilot set in. The manager on that day, the guy who employed me, the owner of the shop (location) itself, and the big ‘play by the book’ guy all the coworkers hated; put his hand out for a handshake as he was greeting me with a straight face.

Instead of a normal handshake I clapped his hand, turned it into a strong grip like those Arnold memes, and a half bro hug. I realised during the hug that I went full retard but played it cool like I meant to, the coworkers watched and were very concerned for me.

To my surprise it broke the ice really well. He had a laugh about it (apparently he never laughed) and I did it for every shift I had with him following.

princesspeach722 · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at a retail store. once when i was grocery shopping and it was my turn in line i asked the cashier if she found everything okay.

BluntCrayon · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought cigarettes, left them on the shop counter and walked home.

Cometstarlight · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just an assortment of things. Go to make myself some cereal, then put the box in the fridge and the milk in the pantry. I've done the same with peanut butter and jelly. Stood there for a minute wondering why something felt very wrong before realizing what I did.

That and trying to unlock my pull open mailbox with my key fob.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on complete auto pilot after being up close to 72hrs straight. Was trying to reach something overhead just out of reach (end of a cable). My buddy handed my pliars with which I could not only extend my reach about 5", but also grab on to the end of the cable securely. In my sleep deprived, limited problem solving portion of my brain all that was going on was "What can I stand on to get closer to the cable end?" So, I did the only logical thing. I took the pliars, set them on the floor and stood on them. Nope, still out of reach.

DontWantToSeeYourCat · 2 points · Posted at 04:12:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock my apartment by tapping my subway card on the doorknob several types and getting increasingly frustrated that the door wasn't swinging open.

howlingwolf696 · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my old job (fast food) I answer the phone and go -hello? --hi -what do you want? -um where I'm calling? Me internally (really?!?.. Oh shit) -thank you for calling (fast food restaurant name here)

Megalodonicus · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dumped my sugar in the trash and put the paper in my coffee. Someone noticed and called me on it, that woke me up.

Mat145 · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my brother. Still worth sharing I think.

I woke my brother up who had fallen asleep in front of the TV at about 1am and told him to go to bed (so I could watch TV).

About 20 minutes later he comes out in his school uniform.

I couldn’t stop laughing. He had thought it was morning.

I then explained to him the time and that it was also Saturday.

sanibelle98 · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said, “OMG where’s my phone?!?!” while speaking with someone on my “missing” phone.

ducktaleswooo · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apparently I told my best friend that I was going offline in a few minutes and needed 2 egg mcmuffins and directions to my house... not my proudest moment

HailCalcifer · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A little late to the party. After a long day I went to the kitchen to heat some food and I entered my debit card pin code into the microwave instead of the time.

kkjensen · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "I love you" to a telemarketer that I succeeded in convincing that I wasn't interested

jrmohatt · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in cabinet and cereal in the fridge.

delawarestormluv8000 · 2 points · Posted at 04:13:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the phone with a friend. I’m rummaging through my purse and I tell her “shit I can’t find my phone.”

PiratessUnluck · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night when I was drunk at a friend's place I couldn't find my brand new two day old phone. I was too drunk and tired to look hard for it and figured since I was spending the night I would find it in the morning.

Cut to me at 9am waking up to "Whose phone is this in the freezer?!!"

It was fine after a bit of time in rice lmao

Yoko_Kittytrain · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my boss "I love you" at the end of a phone call the other day.

jesus__why · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a yogurt and a spoon and I just stabbed the spoon through the top. Bot my proudest moment.

mmtali · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in high school. I used to have a habit which was to slap fat bellies lol (but i only did it to my close ones like my father or friends etc.)It was a casual thing for me and for the ones i slap. One day my math teacher was coming from the other side of the hall towards me with his fat and thight belly. And suddenly an urge,an instinct made me slap his belly the way i would slap an ass in the middle of a hardcore sex. He was shocked what i just did,aaand i was also shocked what i just did. I tried so hard to not laugh my ass and tried to explain that was completely out of my control. Somehow he believed me and i got away with it. It was probably 7 years ago and i still cant believe i did such thing.

Presstheepig · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cooking breakfast.

Cracked an egg right into the trash and put the shell into the carton.

jonross14 · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh this was bad, but could have been so much worse. After a party at my house, I was dumping out all the unfinished drinks down the drain in my kitchen sink. We had been hanging out on the deck with a citronella candle and the wax had completely turned to liquid. The candle was next to the cups, and so I dumped the liquid candle wax down the sink. I didn't even think about it until the next day when my sink was totally clogged. Fortunately, the wax all solidified in the pipes just under the sink... if it had made it further into the pipes of my house it could've been really bad.

Cookieeeees · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a nickname for a buddy in boot camp, was Ironman. Was asked by someone what his nickname was at 4am walking to chow and couldn’t think, as we walked past a drill instructor instead of saying “good morning sir” I yelled “IRONMAN” not even thinking.

pauldno2 · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving my house in the morning for work and after closing the door I have regularly pointed my electronic car keys at the door and pressed the lock button before realising how stupid I am

campingn00b · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad had just moved into a new apartment building, all the floors had the same layout and everything. You had to insert a little fob to lock the door so most people never bothered with them.

When I was studying for the bar I would routinely be out of my mind. Putting in headphones, never turning on music. Attempting to unlock my front door with my cars remote. Etc. One day I went to visit my dad, a place I had been numerous times before. The elevator stops. I walk out. Down the hall. Open the door. Sit down on the couch and put my feet up and close my eyes.... it's only when I open my eyes and see a sweet asian woman standing over me with a VERY confused look on her face that I realized something was amiss.

The elevator had stopped 3 floors below my dads apartment....

silverfstop · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a pull-out garbage can in the kitchen. Sometimes when cooking I’ll remove the can from the pull-out contraption and place it near my prep station.

During that period I still wind up opening the pull out and tossing things “into the trash”, only to have them land on the floor.

Egg shells are the worst.

Ancalagon523 · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up my empty plate at the deli and went on looking for the sink.

FadedPariah · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This wasn’t me but happened to me. I was sitting in my non descript white Jetta when a random guy casually gets in my car and sits down. I just played it off, looked over at him and said “what’s up man?” If I had never seen a deer in headlights, that was my moment. He quickly realized the error in his ways and got in the correct vehicle that looked exactly like mine. I could see the driver look over at me, acknowledge what happened and bust out laughing.

Shiiiiitakemushroom · 2 points · Posted at 04:14:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving with people in the car. We were all having a conversation and one person spoke very softly. I started pressing the volume up button on my radio...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:15:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Greeted an in person customer with what I normally say while answering the phone.

We were both confused.

ft_trashrat · 2 points · Posted at 04:15:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ment to ask the table I was serving if they were enjoying their crab dip but ended up asking if they were enjoying their crab dick. I left the table before they could answer after I realised what came out of my mouth.

hochoa94 · 2 points · Posted at 04:15:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working while going to nursing school as well. At my job i started calling my guests/customers patients.

DOW_orks7391 · 2 points · Posted at 04:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember in an old post just like this one a guy agreed to take his co-worker to their house because their car had broken down or their ride had cancelled last second. So they get in OP's car and op proceeds to drive 30 minutes to his house then realizes his co-worker was still in the car and lived on the opposite side of town about a hour back the other way.

shatterhearts · 2 points · Posted at 04:15:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Left my house to run some errands on my day off. Ended up driving to work (which is about twenty minutes away) completely on auto pilot. I've driven that route so many times, I do it automatically now if I'm not paying attention.

JRVD_10 · 2 points · Posted at 04:16:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just yesterday, I was washing my utensils in the office pantry with a sponge. After washing off the liquid soap, I put the fork on the sponge basin and left the sink with a wet sponge. I realized what I was holding when I turned around to face an officemate, her eyes on the sponge I was squeezing in my hand.

atavistatom · 2 points · Posted at 04:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was ringing up customers at my job when this doozy slipped out of my mouth. I usually comment on peoples healthy food choices by saying "and a delicious" incert food item here. A few days ago my coworker and I are ringing up a TON OF PEOPLE for lunch rush and as im giving a woman her change my brain decided to tell her to "enjoy her delicious quarter"🤯. My coworker will not let me live it down.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:16:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in 3rd grade, my school was having a Christmas activity day and we're giving out candy canes. I had a candy cane in my left hand and an Expo marker in right. Instead of sucking on the candy cane, I shoved the marker in my mouth...

Bumblerbeeble · 2 points · Posted at 04:16:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to scroll down on the back of a product while reading the info... Like a shampoo bottle or a cakemix.

pattycakes18 · 2 points · Posted at 04:16:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, I couldnt find my cell phone so I went to my landline to ring it. While ringing it I heard my cell phone ring and I thought...someone's calling me...so I ran to answer it before realizing that it was me who was calling it!

Bloodhawk95 · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drive 6 hours, I hardly remember it. Completely sober. Suddenly I was back in town going what the fuck just happened

Josstralia · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rolled up to the Popeyes drive thru window and asked, “How can I help you”?

fapmesenseless · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moved to a new place, was still getting used to the commute but had it mostly down, I thought. Autopilot thought it was 1 stop and a light, was actually 2 stops then a light. I waited for a stop sign to turn green.

neenamonners · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were disassembling a furnace that’s water-cooled to do some maintenance and we had to disconnect the chiller before we could start the job. After carefully detaching the tubes, we went to raise the furnace body and get inside the thing, and as soon as he heard the hydraulics switch on my coworker immediately turned on the chiller, spraying water all over everyone in the area.

His excuse? He’s a farm boy, and he learned an automatic reflex to turn on the chiller when the tractor hydraulics are on, lest his father catch him and scold him.

BigMitchS · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at this gas station called QuikTrip when I was in high school. Every time a customer walked in the door we would have to say like “hello welcome in” or “welcome” so I became accustomed to saying it whenever I would hear anything that sounds like a door opening. I used to wake up out of a sound sleep and say it. I one time was sleeping in class and someone opened the door to the classroom and I woke right up and said “hello welcome”

Raizelle85 · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was meeting someone for the second time and she said "what was your name again?" So I said "Raizelle85". Then she said her name and I automatically said "Nice to meet you!"

I did a last ditch save by tacking on "...again" but the pause made it pretty obvious

asteriaf · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back home took off my socks n blew my nose. Toss my socks into the trashcan and threw the napkin into the laundry bucket

Gimme_YOURKarmaQuick · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put metal plate (with food) in microwave ... three times last week.

I was amazed that the microwave didn’t blow up

YoItsVin · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a rundown RV smoking with some friends taking gravity bong hits. I regularly take them in my room and when I do I exhale out my window so it doesn't smell in my room. On the contrary, it didn't matter if it smelled like weed in the RV but still when I took my hit without thinking I got up, walked to the window, and exhaled outside. All my friends were just sitting there wondering why the fuck I did it:

rach909065 · 2 points · Posted at 04:17:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two summers ago I was working at McDonald’s and door to door canvassing. I walked up to someone’s door and said “hi there welcome to McDonalds what can I get for you” instead of my actual speech

igordogsockpuppet · 2 points · Posted at 04:19:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost my wallet in my freezer for five months.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:21:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dog gets bad eye boogies so I like to pick them for him and then feed it to him because he loves eating them for some reason. When my boyfriend and I first started dated I picked his eye boogie and instinctively tried to put it in his mouth.

MoonbounceGuy · 2 points · Posted at 04:21:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Entered the room with a cup of soda in one hand and a TV remote in another. While standing up, I turned the TV on and started surfing. After finding the channel I wanted to watch, Instead of tossing the remote on the couch, I tossed a full cup of soda.

Fluryman · 2 points · Posted at 04:23:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as an EMT in my town and I was exhausted after a 10hr shift and was completely just wanting the next 2 hours to fly by. I pulled into my house and started to get out of the ambulance... With my partner and the patient still in the back looking as confused as ever

bulldog911 · 2 points · Posted at 04:23:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A girl I had a crush on (now my wife) made a huge effort to be right beside me at a red light on the way to work on my birthday. She rolled down her window and yelled, "Happy Birthday!" I was startled and couldn't do anything but respond "Happy Birthday to you too!" I am not a morning person.

ZoDeFoo · 2 points · Posted at 04:24:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife and I went to my parents house for the holidays. While I'm in the middle of talking my mom comes up for a welcoming hug. After hugging her I instinctively turn to kiss her like I do with my wife whenever I get home. Thankfully, she turned just in time and I kissed her on the cheek.

StopLoading · 2 points · Posted at 04:30:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my but my father ( I was there along with my younger brother) we were at an orioles baseball game. And we sat down at our seats and eventually went up to walk around the stadium to check it out. Then out of the blue my dad started freaking out wondering where his backpack went. We went searching all over the stadium back tracking and even going back to our seats wondering where it went. About 30 minutes later we found out it has been on one of his shoulders the whole time and none of us noticed. So I guess we were all pretty oblivious that day.

funkyenchirito · 2 points · Posted at 04:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day I was walking next to my girlfriend and we were talking. I have a spitting habit. She had asked me a question so I proceeded to turn my head towards her and spit in her face... I felt horrible but it’s been a running joke now for like 7 years.

Wat_de_Wat · 2 points · Posted at 04:33:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opened the oven with the mitt, grabbed the pan with my hand...

PhannyPaqued · 2 points · Posted at 04:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was riding in the passenger seat of my husband's car while he was driving and he asked me to adjust the mirror on my side because it was bent in toward the car door. We had had an argument while in the car prior to this and I was in a rather heightened emotional state-- angry, sad, anxious -- and I was not thinking clearly. So instead of rolling down the window to adjust the mirror, my impulse was to go for the door handle and actually pop open the door going 70mph on the expressway. I had to hold the door closed until we slowed down enough in traffic for me to actually open and slam it shut. I was mortified, to say the least. Not my finest moment.

_bexcalibur · 2 points · Posted at 04:34:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant. I frequently find myself walking through grocery stores and the like saying things like “behind!” and “corner!”

I also say “heard” instead of “okay” way more often than I’d like to admit.

GeeShepherd · 2 points · Posted at 04:34:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making coffee at my work, peeled off the top of a creamer, and dumped the creamer into the trash instead of my coffee. I froze after I did got and got laugh at all day by my coworkers that saw me.

FoxsGarage · 2 points · Posted at 04:34:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cashier: enjoy your snack!

Me: you too

cookiemonsta57 · 2 points · Posted at 04:34:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was doing a replacement on a waterpump, it was long job, so when it came to actually REPLACING! the water pump I managed to get the new and old one mixed up and put the old one back in. And I didn't realize until I went to go put the "old one" away.

EinsteinReincarnate · 2 points · Posted at 04:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once my mom said “you’ve been out of it lately. I’m worried about you” and I replied with “you’re welcome”

quadriplegic_coyote · 2 points · Posted at 04:41:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We went to a friend's house to hang out over lunch on a work day. He just happened to be leaving.

He said something like "ha I guess you could stay at my house and eat" and autopilot kicked in, I said "okay." So we commandeered his house for lunch.

thefalseidol · 2 points · Posted at 04:42:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking home and sometimes I’ll pluck a leaf or something from a tree or bush as I pass by, which is already an autopilot tick I do without really ever thinking about it. Until one day, I put the leaf into my mouth and was a few chews in before coming to my senses about what the ever living hell I’d just done.

Arkazex · 2 points · Posted at 04:42:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I finished fixing a really annoying wiring problem on a robot, and my first thought was "I'd better commit my changes before I break something else". I wish we had version control for the real world.

dragonbabyzzz · 2 points · Posted at 04:44:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a stop sign, waited for it to turn green.

4937658460 · 2 points · Posted at 04:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought this was gonna be for tesla owners

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving my family to Florida and I turn on autopilot because I was muy tired. I got out of the car and stated to ride on the roof XD. I would have spent the whole trip like that but my wife and kids were screaming at me to please come back and drive

vegasgal · 2 points · Posted at 04:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just now, actually . I was reading a magazine got to the end of the page and scrolled up . Realized it was a physical magazine and broke out laughing. Can you say ‘too much Internet ‘?

Spun_Wook · 2 points · Posted at 04:50:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Too much internet

Tobeck · 2 points · Posted at 04:48:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Decided to go buy some new pants.

Get in car.

Start driving.

Go past exit for store.

Arrive at work.

"Wait... this isn't where I wanted to go"

simonerenault · 2 points · Posted at 04:49:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the pinch-zoom gesture on a piece of paper to try and see the text better. Tried to scroll down the page a few minutes later.

Ekotap89 · 2 points · Posted at 04:49:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was pretty high once and decided to pop some popcorn. I typically transfer the popcorn to a bowl after it’s popped but in my high state of mind, I dumped it right into the trash can.

Tripolite · 2 points · Posted at 04:53:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was signing up for free trial at a gym at their front desk with my friend and being raised in the Southern US I have a habit of saying sir and ma’m to everyone. The person at the front desk was a woman with a masculine hair cut and after a long day at school, i ended up calling her “Sir” multiple times. it wasnt until i walked away that i realized why my friend was laughing at me. F

zakkwithtwoks · 2 points · Posted at 04:53:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Halfway through, I came to realizing that I was peeing into our kitchen trashcan. I stood there, helpless for another 15 seconds while I finished. Then I promptly went back to bed and told no one until now.

awkwardavacado69 · 1 points · Posted at 04:54:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol thanks for sharing. Myself and I’m assuming others feel honored to be privy to one of your secrets.

JessicaHouseman · 2 points · Posted at 04:57:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Chick fil a, and for months, even after I quit, I would always enthusiastically say "My pleasure!" after anyone thanked me for anything. When my bf asked me to do things I'd always say "Certainly! Anything else?!" It was a real problem.

Also, I would get confused sometimes, and in situations where I was supposed to say "thank you" or "bless you" I'd say "My Pleasure!"

Macropixi · 2 points · Posted at 04:57:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried three times to enter my workplace via my code for the door and couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working until I realized I was entering the passcode to my phone and not my employee number

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 04:57:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have ADD so I uncontrollably go into extreme auto pilot when I am bored where I am basically sleeping with my eyes open. People try to talk to me and I automatically say “yeah” or “heh”. The weirdest thing I’ve done is probably make a bowl of cereal at 7:00 PM then put it in the freezer and pour orange juice on a plate.

HereForTheBanHammer · 2 points · Posted at 05:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Posting on my cake day.

PsychoLunaticX · 2 points · Posted at 05:02:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to sleep. Woke up, jumped out of the bed, grabbed my phone and bolted out the bedroom. Looked down and it was 11:30 PM. I don't have to be up until 4:30 AM... Went back in the room and my girlfriend just looks at me and says "Are you ok?" Apparently I thought I woke up late cause I didn't wake up from the alarm.

Travelin_gypsy · 2 points · Posted at 05:02:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is one at a restaurant. We have simple one word phrases to say so people know where you are in relation to them. When behind someone you say “behind”. When you are about to go around a corner (especially into the kitchen) we say “corner” to let others know we are coming through and to not run into them. I have said corner while I was turning in my car and at the grocery store turning into an aisle. This has happened a lot.

injimbles · 2 points · Posted at 05:02:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a call center selling credit cards. I would often say my speech, only to realize the person had hanged up as soon as I said from where I was calling.

taleofbenji · 2 points · Posted at 05:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My two year old found it funny to stick blueberries in her belly button.

I grabbed one out of there once and walked to the kitchen to throw it away. But while doing so decided to check Reddit, at which point Auto Pilot took over and put the blueberry in my hand in my mouth.

I started gagging.

DogsWithJetpacks · 2 points · Posted at 05:02:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Parked my car at my apartment complex, went up stairs, and started to put in my keys before I realized I had moved twice since living there.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was dropping a couple friends off a few days ago and I passed the exit I was supposed to take and I drove for another hour 😂

jg371 · 2 points · Posted at 05:03:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In meeting someone saying "hi how are you" and they say "good and you?". Then I respond "I'm good and you". Thankfully I've never entered and infinite loop this way.

lisaloo1991 · 2 points · Posted at 05:03:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used baby formula as creamer.

Poured coffee into a coffee mate container.

ammarie15 · 2 points · Posted at 05:03:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waitress- "Enjoy your meal"! Me- "You too"!

Every single time.

rugernut13 · 2 points · Posted at 05:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is starting off buried, but fuck it. Once, when I was about 11 or 12, was watching TV with the family, got up to go take a leak, only instead of the bathroom, I walked into the kitchen and peed in the trashcan. No idea why, didn't realize until I was almost done. Stood there for a few minutes, decided "fuckit", took the trash out, and went back to continue watching America's Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget.

20 years later, apparently sleepwalked over to the air conditioner in the motel room, and pissed it to death. That involved alcohol and a very confused colleague that I was rooming with.

shenanakins · 2 points · Posted at 05:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work mostly on nights at a movie theater. The ushers have to greet the guests as they exit the theater so we say “have a good night” some times we get silly and say “ sleep tight dont let the beg bugs bite”. i worked a morning shift right after a night shift so i was super tired i zoned out and as a guest walked past me i looked him right in the eyes and said “sleep tight”. He looked around to see if i was talking to anyone else and just walked away looking like he saw a ghost. I realized three seconds later how i came off.

rpar8674 · 2 points · Posted at 05:05:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I came in from a night out and was still super drunk off red wine. I was totally out of it and don’t even remember doing it, but the next morning I woke up having washed and moisturised my whole body, done a manicure and pedicure and plucked my eyebrows.

This was all very impressive considering the state I must have been in, cos when I went into the bathroom that morning there was literally red wine vomit everywhere. Fun!

noonefromnowhere · 2 points · Posted at 05:06:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have worked in kitchens for a very long time. I will often say "behind" to people in public who generally seem confused. Often I will also knock on doors before going through them forgetting that I am not exiting a fridge.

untilprovenawesome · 2 points · Posted at 05:09:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my grandmother's funeral, someone said "sorry for your loss" to which I replied "don't worry about it".

Wenli2077 · 2 points · Posted at 05:12:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was entering the PIN for my debit card while at the check out line. 3 was one of the numbers but all I saw was 4 5 6 7 8 9. I stared at it and asked the clerk "ughhh how do I put in my number if there isn't 1 2 3?" He looks at me confused. I stared a little longer then realized the peaking guard over the key pad was covering the first 3 numbers and I had to tilt the whole thing up.

FlailWithDale · 2 points · Posted at 05:12:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working 6 10s for about 3 months doing construction, and it was mine and the misses anniversary. So we go out to this nice Mexican restaurant, I get steak fajitas that are brought out on a cast iron skillet. The waiter had set it down long ways, and I needed it wide. I grab the sizzling skillet, turn it, my GF says " what are you doing that's hot". I look at her and say " ya I heard him" (hands still for whatever reason on skillet). Burnt the top 2 knuckles of skin of my 3 dominated fingers.

Tl;dr: grabbed a fajita skillet that was sizzling. Then explained I knew what I was doing (while not) and still holding scalding skillet.

Meyrdron · 2 points · Posted at 05:13:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Buying my first smart phone, I was given a demo model to try out the camera.

The screen was on and I could see my feet and the floor on it, but my mind had different ideas. I raised it to my face, turned the phone around and tried to look through the camera lense to take a picture. Obviously seeing nothing, I suddenly realised what I'd done and the assistant was stood next to me with an "I feel I should say something to this idiot..." expression on their face. In a mild panic, I started talking about the quality of the camera lens, turned the phone around and started taking pictures of the shop like everything was normal.

I don't think the assistant was fooled...

e11jay · 2 points · Posted at 05:13:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Occasionally I’ll go to greet someone with either “Hello, buddy” or “Hello, mate”, etc. but can’t decide which one to say before I’ve said it and said either “mud” or “bate” or some other gibberish.

shelelabie · 2 points · Posted at 05:13:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got t-boned on a busy highway I knew was dangerous, but not even thinking I pulled into the intersection without looking and BOOM. Pubic fracture, closed sacral fracture, and I totaled my car obviously. The worst part is my 15 year old sister was in the backseat and while she was not injured, she is now very anxious about learning to drive. I feel terrible about the whole situation.

OilPhilter · 2 points · Posted at 05:14:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for a young woman in a very professional environment. We are friends and we're both married and we get along great. I'm kind of fond of her but I keep it professional because were married and because I am about 20 years older than her.

There have countless times when I have been on the phone with her, helping her with an issue and she'll conclude the conversation with "Thank you" in a most sincere tone, and I have almost said "love you too". OMG! I'm afraid she would freak and have me fired. I am worried some day I will slip.

carolstilts · 2 points · Posted at 05:15:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was doing a jigsaw puzzle. While I was doing this, I began to shovel popcorn into my mouth Iike it was my business. As you can probably predict: at one point all I could taste was dry and dusty cardboard and I realized I had tossed a jigsaw piece into my mouth.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:15:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said I was getting ready to get ready when my family asked me what I was doing, about 15 years ago

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

at one of my old places I used to stop by the Hungry Jack's for a coffee on my home from work every day (it was free as I was an ex-employee and got along very well with the managers), one day I decided to skip it because i had a lot to do at home, but as I drive past my brain is thinking "oh I'm here I'll get my coffee",

So without thinking (doing 70k's an hour) I take off my seatbelt and turn off the ignition, being an auto I couldnt start it again while not in park and I couldnt put it in park bc moving, so I had to stop in the middle of the road (it was a highway type thing) to turn the car back on.. the people behind me were not impressed

thatszqt · 2 points · Posted at 05:15:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once threw my tea on the bed and placed the remote on the nightstand.

naboo_taboo · 2 points · Posted at 05:17:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really value all of my friendships and usually say I love you when I say good-bye. I've unfortunately done this on many first dates.

Elixeo · 2 points · Posted at 05:18:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a new member of alcoholics anonymous. Went with friends (non AA members) to an author's reading of his new book at the local bookstore. He introduced himself by saying, hello, my name is Michael Gainsborough and I said in a very loud voice "hello Michael!". Which is a very AA thing to do and fully unexpected by everyone there.

Jack_N_Around · 2 points · Posted at 05:18:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was handing out fliers after a church service. A guy walked over to me and reached out for one, and I shook his hand. He just stood there and stared at me until I realized what I did.

andrewse · 2 points · Posted at 05:18:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I go out to play poker I text my wife before she goes to bed. I selected the last text in the recents list and replied to it "I love you honey. Good night." and my boss replied back "Um. Ok."

Skullcandyhd90 · 2 points · Posted at 05:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a company vehicle for work that stays parked at my home. One day I woke up, went outside and realized I had parked my personal vehicle to far out the night before. So I got into my personal truck, planning to move it over some. Drove down the driveway before realizing It was not my work van. Backed down the driveway. Parked it, got out and went inside before remembering I had to go to work.

infinityofnever · 2 points · Posted at 05:18:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a new cell phone, this was back in 2008 and I was following my friend as we lived in a pedestrian friendly city while I was checking out the features on the phone. After about 15 mins of mindless walking, I looked up and I was staring at a urinal while my friend is taking a leak in the urinal next to me.

bralgreer · 2 points · Posted at 05:19:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lost my phone while it was in my hand. Was talking to my mom while on said phone and said to her I was looking for it

TigerKnee327 · 2 points · Posted at 05:19:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was extremely young and had to pee, on autopilot I would go to the garbage can in the kitchen, which was behind a cupboard under the sink. For some reason I’d pull my pants down and start aiming over the trash can and try to pee in there. Huh?

tallyhallic · 2 points · Posted at 05:19:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was night time and the lights were off. I couldn’t find where I tossed my phone into bed. So I turned my phone flashlight to look for it. I was mad that I still couldn’t find it, and then I realized..

usmc_rello · 2 points · Posted at 05:20:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was getting a buffalo chicken salad and the girl making it asked if I wanted ranch or bleu cheese. I said “yes.” She looked at me confused and asked if I wanted both to which I again replied “yes.” Took a second before I realized but I was in too deep and I ate my ranchy cheesy salad and have never stopped thinking about it 3 years later

Edit: autocorrect

Gm548 · 2 points · Posted at 05:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropped my friend off at her house and then drove myself home just to realize my friend’s car was parked in front of my house because she drove herself over earlier. We both forgot...

BeyondAddiction · 2 points · Posted at 05:24:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dispensed an entire bottle from the Baby Brezza without actually putting a bottle underneath. So I cleaned up the giant mess on the counter only to promptly do the exact same thing a second time. I cleaned it up again. Then, I put a bottle under the spout, pushed dispense, and realized that the amount selected was too much for the capacity of the bottle, so it overflowed and got all over the counter a third time.

Ah, sleep deprivation.

Pannycakes666 · 2 points · Posted at 05:24:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was little i clapped in church once when everyone went for the sign of the cross.

sizeablepain · 2 points · Posted at 05:27:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I talk to my dog and then respond as him in a higher pitched version of my own voice, it’s weird but it’s usually in the privacy of my own home. With the exception of a few days ago as I was picking him up from doggy day care, the guy at the desk says “bye pup!” To my dog and without thinking I responded for my dog in a high pitched voice, “byyyeeeee!” I felt my face turn red and immediately left without another word, so embarrassing

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:29:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a hospital as a PCT (patient care tech) i was in a McDonald’s with my kids waiting for them to be done using the bathroom. As I was standing outside the stall this older lady didn’t lock the door and the door was half open. She was having trouble pulling her pants up bc she was holding on the the railing. I walked in and pulled them up and flushed the toilet and said “okay you all set” and she just looked at me. And that’s when I remembered I wasnt at work.

deltaroe · 2 points · Posted at 05:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got a half deflection off of the localizer before realizing I wasn't on back course mode. Oh wait was this not about real autopilots?

Fluxriflex · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instead of saying "I love you, bye." while I hung up the phone when calling my grandma one time, I said "...and in Jesus' name, Amen."

I'm honestly shocked she still talked to me after that.

evilsunshinebear · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has happened more times than I care to admit. Going into my apartment, I often try and use my car fob to unlock the door into the building.

adelaideeee · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In middle school, we were only allowed to sit with the kids in our grade at lunch (I went to a small catholic school). So the class asshole and I were the first to sit down. By force of habit, I fucking BELCHED and he proceeded to make fun of me and I remember being so embarrassed that I crawled under a lunch table to cry. I still cringe every time I think about that day

Minaminx · 2 points · Posted at 05:30:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I play too many video games. I was at work (upscale steakhouse) where I'm a server, and I was thinking about a game and passing out drinks. I set them down one at a time and made a "bloop" sound effect each time. I got to the 8th and final guest and noticed they were all staring at me, yeah they noticed.

Musicbebe · 2 points · Posted at 05:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

said “lol!” out loud at the end of a sentence instead of an actual nervous laugh...

one_pump_trump · 2 points · Posted at 05:33:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pizza box in the oven. Pizza in the freezer. I don’t know how I managed to fuck it up. Especially since one of those two go in the trash once opened. The plastic in the cardboard box melted which set me off. Other than that, no actual fire.

F_bigb00b · 2 points · Posted at 05:34:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

had sex with u/sarahwearsahat

GreenishPepper · 2 points · Posted at 05:40:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex and I, we have been vest friends for while now, have kissed in front of our S/O during a party,

Me preparing to go to sleep: hey goodnight, shakes hands with ex's bf

Turn around and say goodnight to my ex at the same time she did and we both just kissed a typical goodnight kiss.

My gf and her bf were both standing there lookin at us eyes wide opened and it must've took us a good 20 seconds before realizing what we had done.

Sorry if bag grammar English is not my native language.

chris34567 · 2 points · Posted at 05:48:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens regularily, i get to my room sit on the bed on my phone, turn off the lights and realize im still fully dressed. So naturally i turn the lights back on, undress and get in bed to realize... you guessed it i didnt turn off the lights

ruthyc2012 · 2 points · Posted at 05:51:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working as a cashier in college at a campus convenience store, someone handed me a candy bar to ring up, and being kinda zoned out, I just ripped the package open as if to eat it. I quickly realized what I had done, and with a mumbled apology, went and got him another one.

snctrds · 2 points · Posted at 05:52:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at an ice cream shop. We have a basic script we rely on for talking to customers. Sometimes when I get really out of it, random parts of the script come out of my mouth in place of others. For instance, I walked up to a customer once and instead of offering to get them a sample of ice cream, what came out of my mouth was "would you like a receipt with that?" I was a bit mortified to say the least... Definitely not the only example I have, either.

BobCatsHotPants · 2 points · Posted at 05:54:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told WAY too many customers I Loved them at the end of a phone call.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 05:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and a buddy we're stopped at a gas station on our way home from working all day. As we are sitting there waiting for the gas to stop pumping we see this guy come out of the store and light up a cigarette and hang out by his car. My buddy randomly asks "I wonder what he's thinking" and out of nowhere I say in the Batman voice "I used to be so good at the nunchucks". We started laughing so hard we we're crying. I have no clue where in the world that came from or why I said it, but it's one of my favorite memories.

BucketsAreSexy · 2 points · Posted at 05:59:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to call myself because I lost my cell phone... called with my own cell phone...

KleinUnbottler · 2 points · Posted at 05:59:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I normally use public transit or bike to work, but one day I drove in since I had an appointment after work.

As I walked down the driveway after bussing home, I noticed that my car was missing.

BoKnowsTheKonamiCode · 2 points · Posted at 05:59:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is going to get buried at this point, but in high school two of my classmates were at my house working on a group project. We must have had a snack, because I remember that a fork went missing and we were looking around for it.

As we are looking, without thinking, I grabbed this girl’s purse and start rifling through it, right in front of her. I have no idea why. After noticing the look she was giving me I immediately apologized and put it down.

It’s not like I thought she took the fork, or would have particularly cared if she did, because it was just a fork. And since I didn’t think she took the fork, I have no clue what made me think it could have ended up in her bag. It made me feel like a weird creep when really I was just being a spacey idiot.

clairweather · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister called me from one night, around 3 am. But I thought it was my alarm clock. I woke up and showered and brushed my teeth and my mom knocked on the door asking what was going on?? Yea I’m starting my day.... sucked cuz I had to blow dry my hair and wake my whole family up so I could put my head back in bed.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a teacher. Last night my wife and I were eating dinner when I noticed she was leaning back in her chair. I immediately said, "Four on the floor please" and motioned for her to sit forward.

She was laughing at me for the next five minutes

kylewhenderson · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always got comped meals before playing gigs at bars, and was rarely in bars unless I was playing gigs. After stopping playing in bands, multiple times left a bar and a day later realized I never paid the tab and had to awkwardly call back and explain the situation later.

artskyd · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*Not me but my friend (and roommate of 3 yrs)

Me and him were at his girlfriends place. I was doing dishes at the sink. He got very close to giving me a loving embrace from behind. She’s about half my silhouette (much thinner but close to my height), shoulder hair vs shaved head, and some other smaller stuff. No reason to confuse us if you weren’t on a weird autopilot.

This was like 13 years ago and I still give him shit about it. It was hilarious.

RhettSarlin · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving home from part time graveyard shift job early in the morning. Street had stop signs every few blocks.

Drive. Stop sign. Stop briefly. Drive. Stop sign. Stop briefly. Drive. Stop sign. Stop briefly. Drive. Stop light. Stop briefly. Drive.

Realize halfway through the intersection the light is still red. Slam on brakes.

Look around horrified hoping nobody was there (especially a police car). It's 6am or so. Not a soul. Continue through the intersection, thoroughly chagrined.

CopicX · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When people at Fast Food counters say 'enjoy your meal' and you reply

'You too'.

curry_fiend · 2 points · Posted at 06:01:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shoved the lighter in my mouth and proceeded to attempt to use a cigarette to light up a bic lighter.

huebag · 2 points · Posted at 06:04:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cleaning my teeth, absent mindedly turned and spat toothpaste into the open drawer instead of the sink

liverpoolfc10 · 2 points · Posted at 06:04:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened a bunch of times at school a teacher would give me something and it would go like this

Teacher: Here's your test back

Me: Thanks Mom

KnaveOfIT · 2 points · Posted at 06:05:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to screw a screw with the wrong end of a screwdriver on my first day of my first real job...

TheDeeyaich · 2 points · Posted at 06:05:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Might get buried, but I've shared this before on a similar AskReddit thread.

I woke up one morning to make my 6yo daughter lunch for school. I wasn't feeling well, so after I put her on the school bus, I went back to bed. She came home that afternoon and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't eat all of my turkey, Daddy." I looked confused and opened her lunchbox to find the remainder of a 2 pound pack of sliced turkey. In my sick stupor, I accidentally put the pack of turkey in her lunchbox instead of putting it back in the fridge. But she was a trooper and ate a hell of a lot of it.

It shouldn't have surprised me. This was the same child that could put away an entire Pizza Hut P'zone by herself. I don't know how she's not the size of a house.

catxcat310 · 2 points · Posted at 06:05:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once entered my PIN on my microwave. I was high though and hoping it would dispense a burrito...

olsteezybastard · 2 points · Posted at 06:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid, I grabbed my clean laundry, took it to the upstairs bathroom, and put it in the toilet. I still don’t know what prompted this unconscious decision and it still haunts me to this day.

Mooshy1 · 2 points · Posted at 06:17:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lot of times I just make 0 sense when I'm talking and it comes out as a jumbled mess

SoreBrodinsson · 2 points · Posted at 06:18:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my toothbrush with tooth paste in my armpit like deodorant

Psykerr · 2 points · Posted at 06:20:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting ready in the morning post-shower. Did my hair with beard oil and my beard with hair product.

It didn’t hit me until a couple hours later when I realized my hair felt a little oily, and my beard felt a little my stylish.

...Today.

GreasySausageTitties · 2 points · Posted at 06:20:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to always put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge and have actually ruined a few gallons of milk because of this.

fuuckimlate · 2 points · Posted at 06:21:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my headphones away while holding my breakfast garbage

Stoned_Hobgoblin · 2 points · Posted at 06:22:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had my phone in one hand and a completely full cup of coffee in the other. I meant to toss my phone onto my bed, but that's not what happened.

The-Virus_11 · 2 points · Posted at 06:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I one time i almost took a piss under the kitchen sink. I went to the kitchen, I went to the sink, I took of my pants and then I thought "what the fuck am I doing".

Carlitos016 · 2 points · Posted at 06:22:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once took a Chocolate bar out from the kitchen, as i was walking out, unwrapping the Kit Kat, i accidently put the chocolate bar in the bin and kept the wrapper.

poochmaker · 2 points · Posted at 06:22:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a hairdressers, someone came in and I asked if they were there for a hair cut. They were bald.

janne5050 · 2 points · Posted at 06:23:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reaching for my seat belt when I was sitting on my motorcycle. I grabbed lots of air before realizing my mistake.

lkathelynz · 2 points · Posted at 06:24:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blow on a spoonful of yogurt or ice cream as if they were piping hot soup...

Th4tUs3rname · 2 points · Posted at 06:24:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working in a prison for a while. One-way glass was used all over the building and I would find myself staring at prisoners every once in a while. When not working I developed a habit of staring at people in public for extended periods of time... I definitely caused a lot of uncomfortable moments.

Renoster11 · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to zoom in on a picture in a magazine with a two-finger pinch.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost always get a red at a traffic signal at a certain intersection on my way to work. About once a month, I find myself slowing down, and once stopping, while I have the right of way.

iLikeLizardKisses · 2 points · Posted at 06:25:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked the graveyard shift at a higher security place that required badge entry. 8am rolled around, I clocked out and went to my car... and spent a good 45 seconds trying to swipe into my car with my badge.

mmart19 · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my dog "bless you" when she sneezed

FanBoyisms · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bumped into a mannequin and apologized to it

Schiavello · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my friends burial when the priest had finished his prayer I started clapping.

thatcrookedsmile · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was spaced out in art class and we were doing a group thing or something, I don't listen to the teacher at all so I just start copying the kid next to me.

Then we all swap papers to mark, and then give them back, only I don't get anything handed back to me. And the guy I copied off has the weirdest look on his face and two sets of papers.

I'd copied the kids name too.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So my mom used to drop me to school. At my school gate, I said bye and headed straight without realizing that I'm not carrying my backpack.. It was after a minute that I resized some known voice was shouting behind.. :/

OhTheyFloat · 2 points · Posted at 06:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I answer my cell phone like I answer the phone at work. “company name this is my name... uh. I mean. Hello.”

dstancato · 2 points · Posted at 06:28:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At restaurant Waiter: “enjoy your food” Me: “thanks you too”

EatYourPain · 2 points · Posted at 06:28:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uber driver upon dropping me off at airport: "have a safe trip"

Me: "you too!"

clockwork_squirrel · 2 points · Posted at 06:29:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The toothpaste tube was empty so I put it in the toothbrush holder and threw my toothbrush in the trash.

CarpeMofo · 2 points · Posted at 06:30:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid we moved into a new house. The old house, my parents' bedroom had a door leading to the bathroom, the new house they had a door leading out onto the front porch. Apparently, my Dad caught my Mom still mostly asleep sitting on a large flower pot on the front porch and taking a piss. He never let her live that one down.

muddy_flower · 2 points · Posted at 06:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went for dinner once with a guy friend I had a crush on at the time and when we were waiting to pay at the end I unintentionally started making sound effects, he started doing the same thing and I gave him a weird look and asked "what are you doing?" and didn't realize I was doing that until he laughed and said "copying you".

unidentifiedfish55 · 2 points · Posted at 06:30:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fire alarm went off in the middle of the night in my dorm in college. I woke up, super groggy.

Thought process:

"Oh..there's a fire. Fire is hot. Make it cold. Turn down the thermostat all the way. That'll save everyone!"

My room was 55 degrees by the time we got back inside. Roommate wasn't happy.

HolySchnikeysBatman · 2 points · Posted at 06:31:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Backed into my SO’s car, not once, not twice, but THREE times! He traveled so much I wasn’t used to him parking in the driveway. Try explaining this to the insurance agent and repairman.

porkgreen · 2 points · Posted at 06:31:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm kind of late on this, but I worked at Dennys for a little while. And part of the safety protocol was to yell, "Door!" when going through the swinging door to the kitchen. One time I walked into a busy gas station and when I opened the door, I loudly yelled, "door!" Everyone looked at me and I just put my head down and got in line.

blahv1231 · 2 points · Posted at 06:31:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

got creamer out of the fridge, put it in my coffee ,then put my coffee in the fridge instead of the creamer.

k7eenex · 2 points · Posted at 06:31:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent years without a desktop and/or laptop, so for months while surfing the web, i used to whip out my cell to research what I’m looking at on my pc instead of just opening a new tab.

katylovescoach · 2 points · Posted at 06:31:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a Veterinary clinic where the phone was constantly ringing. Eventually I got used to answering the phone so often that I started answering my personal cell phone with “(Veterinary Clinic) this is Katy, how can I help you?”

And then my dad would just laugh and laugh on the other end.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:34:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wished a corpse a happy new year.

I was an intern at a forensics lab and had come back from a short winter holiday, so everyone wishes me a happy new year. After half a day or so of this, i go to the morgue to get the samples. Apparently they were rearranging cases so there was a gurney (?) with a corpse where i did not expect it. In my surprise i blurted out a Happy New Year, then apologized, then fucking shut my mouth bc i was talking to a body

ElectroDemon · 2 points · Posted at 06:36:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have pets in my room so I have to close the door everytime I leave. So one day I'm walking through but start closing the door before I'm fully through and actually end up closing the door on myself. I just stood there for a few seconds afterwards dumbfounded

Epixxor · 2 points · Posted at 06:38:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting cups and pouring a drink. I'll try to put the milk jug in the cabinet.

Mass_Hole · 2 points · Posted at 06:39:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was peeing, and instead of shaking, I shook my phone and threw it in the toilet.

lbthealarm · 2 points · Posted at 06:40:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My bf and I were doing kinky shit and he was like “You like that baby girl?” “Yeah” “How much?” “Yeah”

Kriieod · 2 points · Posted at 06:44:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat it the car, threw my keys in the center console, pulled my seatbelts across my chest then pulled it to the ignition and attempted to start the car with the seatbelts.

Samdi · 2 points · Posted at 06:45:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At restaurant, girlfriend is on her second glass of iced tea still waiting for our lunch. I had the concept in mind that it would be great if they put a piece of lemon on the rim of my glass of water like they do for iced tea. Then i had the genius idea of transfering the water from my glass to her empty glass of iced tea so I could make this vision a reality. Just as I was about to do this, my gf asked wtf i was doing. I then told her about my idea. She took the piece of lemon and put it on my glass. At first I was like, woah, then I started to wonder how the fuck i got a government job.

That's right, that's how integrity your government is.

shadow_clone69 · 2 points · Posted at 06:45:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my bike to work, forgot about it and came back home by metro. Only realised when I tried opening my door with the bike keys.

merequeen · 2 points · Posted at 06:46:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once ordered food in a drive thru, paid for it, and drove off before they actually handed me my food.

I was halfway home before I realized the tragedy of what I’d done.

sabeth23 · 2 points · Posted at 06:46:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the kitchen to get ketchup, returned with an open bottle of beer instead.

Hirrrsh · 2 points · Posted at 06:47:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for my mobile phone under the bed, using my mobile phone as a torch.

usuallycrying · 2 points · Posted at 06:47:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a mom to an almost 3 year old, who was recently potty trained. I went out with a few friends and before leaving the house, asked my guy friend “ask your penis if he needs to go peepee before leaving!” His penis did not need to go peepee. /:

the_doobieman · 2 points · Posted at 06:47:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

half asleep. opened the fridge to piss. Stood there, didn't piss, just did the calculations in my head that were necessary to realize this was not the washroom

Chelsi11 · 2 points · Posted at 06:48:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a swimming teacher and sometimes to get the kids attention I splash them. Now when I'm at home I "splash" my friends or family and get frustrated when it doesn't work.

BadNraD · 2 points · Posted at 06:48:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

People make fun of kids trying to pinch-zoom/manipulate pictures on paper. But I’ve done that more than once and I’m 34...

PhilipKDickTation · 2 points · Posted at 06:49:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking all over my desk and area around it for my pen only to have a friend ask me what I was looking for and as I begin to say “My pe...” it falls from my mouth.

EllPeas · 2 points · Posted at 06:49:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other day, I was texting my husband to tell him I was about to take our friend Rafael home. Typed Ra, went on autopilot, told him I was taking Ravioli home.

phil3570 · 2 points · Posted at 06:50:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the thread, but I was once grabbing coffee in a gas station at 6 am and went to leave after paying but saw a "closed" sign on the door. Spent a few moments looking for another way out before I realized it was just the back of the "open" sign.

DylanORua · 2 points · Posted at 06:50:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Be me work in a bar (male) Two hot girls (9,and a 8)ask for a gin and tonic each I make them the drinks, they pay I hand them the change They ask flirtatiously while putting their boobs up on the bar "can we have an extra shot of gin for being dressed nice" I hear this like 15 times a night and I always do the same thing. I auto pilot my response by placeong one finger over one nostril and pretend to blow snot in their drink. Unfortunately I have a cold that day and a runny nose ,so a big glob of nose gunk fires out, and lands in "9's " glass. Both girls recoil in horror. I replace both drinks hurriedly. All three of us are completely silent. Still Have job.

JimJamInMyPants · 1 points · Posted at 06:52:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bro i almost spit out my jack and coke thats so funny.

BELO- · 2 points · Posted at 06:53:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nerfed bastion

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Recovering alcoholic. Being in AA, every time you have something to say in a meeting you introduce yourself, “Hi I’m name, I’m an alcoholic”. Well when I had to “say an interesting thing about myself” during a job orientation apparently I forgot where i was...

ferretherder · 2 points · Posted at 07:03:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to select a word in a paper book like you can on a kindle.

benfml · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i’ve done that before so many times 😂

Rustmutt · 2 points · Posted at 07:12:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “In Jesus’ name, Amen” as the sign off in a voicemail I was leaving.

ChiefPrancingSponge · 2 points · Posted at 07:14:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My smoothie bowl was too cold so I blew on it to... Cool it off

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:14:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my mom like to make smooching sounds to each other before we hang up. Was getting off the phone with a client when I did this. We don’t speak of it.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:15:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was hanging out at a girls apartment and was drinking then took ambien and some painkillers. I came to like out of a coma and was laying on her bed jacking off and she was sitting next to me looking concerned. Very awkward.

drift_summary · 1 points · Posted at 07:54:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ambien, the racist drug - it's great!

DNP--CD · 2 points · Posted at 07:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a green light and waited for it to turn red.

DMan304 · 2 points · Posted at 07:17:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove for at least fifteen minutes completely lost in thought and snapped back to reality halfway home and had no memory of driving the stretch of road before that.

Vitnage · 2 points · Posted at 07:18:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A little late to the party but...

I used to work in a bookstore where we had to greet every customer that enters with "Good day and welcome". One day after a 9 hour shift where i was way too tired i was on the bus and on one of the stops some people get on through a door that is near me. I automatically said "Good day and welcome". Got some really confused looks and felt quite embarrassed.

kitttxn · 2 points · Posted at 07:19:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a colleague of mine. I was walking into the office one morning and walked over to the fridge to put my lunch bag in. I open the fridge and see his car keys on top of his lunch bag. We both had a good laugh after that haha

slimsnail · 2 points · Posted at 07:21:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my girlfriend. We were on summer vacations on a rented apartment, three couples in total, and almost every day we would go to the beach. One day, I was wearing some green swimming shorts, waiting for everyone else to get ready as well so we could leave. One of my friends comes out of his room wearing a pair of shorts almost identical to mine and joins me, waiting for the remaining ones. My girlfriend comes in, happily singing something as she is getting ready, and slaps my friend's ass on her way to the room. He raises his head and stares at her very confused as she continues to walk as nothing had happened. My girlfriend only realized she hit the wrong ass when my friend, after assuring that that person wasn't his girlfriend, but mine, asked her if she really wanted to do that or was a mistake.

Blochtheguy · 2 points · Posted at 07:22:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was eating ben and jerrys out of the package with a spoon. Put the packeage in the dish washer and threw the spoon out. Have done this atleast two times

StraySausage · 2 points · Posted at 07:22:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was woken up by my girlfriend telling me my phone alarm was going off. I was so out of it I grabbed the Oreo packet that was next to my phone and took one and ate it, then fell back asleep with the alarm still going off. I thought the alarm meant it was time for a biscuit. She never let me live that one down.

Prince-Kheldar · 2 points · Posted at 07:22:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked in to a supermarket toilet (after looking for it for 5 minutes) and noticed it only had stalls and no urinals. Unusual, it didn't seem that upmarket but it meant the place didn't stink of pee.

Someone was in the next stall to me but left just as I finished. I washed my hands, dried them and exited only to notice a Female logo on the door as it closed behind me.

Just glad the women in the stall next to me came out when she did otherwise we were both in for a shock. lol

gr3y_e · 2 points · Posted at 07:23:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am studying music theory by myself, so the weekends I usually do some training and practice. Some Saturday I did some ear training and the same night I stayed over at a frienda house, so when I was falling as sleep I could hear how I was singing a G like mildly loud while there were people still awake, but I somehow thought It was just my imagination. Woke up in the morning to my friends laughing and calling me Sleeping singer.

Frosty_Teemo · 2 points · Posted at 07:24:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I used to work for Subway and, if I've done the same order enough times, I'd prepare that specific sandwich, even if you asked for something completely different.

"What's that, you wanted a meatball marinara? Nah. You're getting a Spicy Italian."

pine420apple · 2 points · Posted at 07:24:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a concierge at a high end condo building and all our doors are accessed with a rfid fob. Came home after work on a couple occasions and waved my fob across the doorbell expecting it to unlock my door

Zhelus · 2 points · Posted at 07:25:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

PSA: Kids get left in cars because of autopilot. If you have little ones make part of your autopilot commute to make a lap around your car and check the back seat every time. I really loved reading everyone’s stories.

finnydoodle · 2 points · Posted at 07:26:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Scrolled on a paper book like it was a tablet when I wanted to read lower on the page!

inkjet_printer · 2 points · Posted at 07:27:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve tried to unlock a helicopter with my car keys more times than I’m proud to admit.

theghostbat · 2 points · Posted at 07:27:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a host at a restaurant, held the door open for a lady walking out and said something like "thanks for coming in" and she responded "thanks I love you too."

Pajama_Alarm · 2 points · Posted at 07:28:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Met my friend's dad a few weeks ago.

His Dad: "Hey how are you?"

Me: "Hi how are you?"

I assume his first impression wasn't a good one, lol.

invisible_23 · 2 points · Posted at 07:29:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to light a pipe with a chapstick

B3n7340 · 2 points · Posted at 07:29:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My entire life up until the end of high school it seems; I put in the work but it felt like everything was more or less paced for me. I'm definitely blessed but I know also that I missed out on a lot of the decision-making skill building process that I wish I had as an adult. I'm working on that now.

dillydole · 2 points · Posted at 07:29:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once accidentally gave a girl my brother’s phone number because it was similar to mine and I knew his better.

Redditabarth · 2 points · Posted at 07:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always stepping the empty spot where the clutch would be when I drive someone else’s car.

GamingWarriorsEpic · 2 points · Posted at 07:30:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“You to” in response to “enjoy your food”

RarestRaindrop · 2 points · Posted at 07:30:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fed the trash dog food (dog bowl is next to trash)

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blow on my ice cream to make sure it was cool enough.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:31:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in retail. One day I was thinking about my boyfriend, and thinking about talking to him on the phone. I always say "I love you" at the end of every conversation with him, so that must have been in my head. A customer came in and quickly went to the register. After completing the transaction I said, "Thank you, I love you." As if that was a normal thing to say to a completely unfamiliar customer. I don't know if she heard me. I hope not.

blueberrysodapop · 2 points · Posted at 07:31:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Scraping the contents of a paper plate into the garbage instead of just throwing it all away.....

pedersen766 · 2 points · Posted at 07:32:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a surgery, when I had to change from scrubs to my daily wear + my white coat, I forgot to put on my blouse. I almost got out of the surgery installation wearing just bra and my white coat.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Using the flashlight on my phone.. to look for my phone

ReallySmallFeet · 2 points · Posted at 07:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made dinner, when my youngest was a toddler, and stared in slight horror as I put my spouse's plate on the table with the food all cut up into little bite sized pieces. I was just so used to doing it for every meal for the kid.

Also, offering an adult a bite of food while out at a restaurant and blowing on it first.

GriffithTheHero · 2 points · Posted at 07:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at medieval times for a few years. After I got a new job, I more than once called my new boss "my lord".

CakeIsaVegetable · 2 points · Posted at 07:32:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just did this today.

Walked into my room, took off my pants, did a 360 because I forgot what I came into my room for, put back on my pants and left

PM_ME_UR_PASTRIES · 2 points · Posted at 07:34:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boyfriend started to take his shoe off in the school hallway, before going "I think I'm a little confused today".

terriblyuncreative · 2 points · Posted at 07:36:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to fit a pitcher of lemonade into the fridge, but it wouldn't fit. So I took it out,drank some, and then tried to fit it in again.

ukreferrals · 2 points · Posted at 07:36:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lost a drone, near Gatwick.

TedCrunch · 2 points · Posted at 07:37:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just had a kid and now getting very little sleep. Other day I sleepily walked over to my wife in the kitchen, put my arms under her armpits and tried to lift her up into a cradle hold to carry her to the cot.

:/

fox_chicken_grain · 2 points · Posted at 07:38:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat in line at traffic lights for 5 minutes before I realised I was behind a parked car.

iodinecirrus · 2 points · Posted at 07:39:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the bathroom, out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, grabbed a cup from the cupboard, put the cup down, went to the fridge, didn't get anything and went to the bathroom again to wash my hands, and returned to my room.

I remembered I was getting a drink, got the cup from the kitchen, put it in the bathroom sink, went and sat at my desk again.

I don't know what went wrong with me that day.

MsFay · 2 points · Posted at 07:42:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I waited at a stop sign for it to turn green.

BakaWolfy · 2 points · Posted at 07:43:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopping at a green light because I saw it was red way before I got to it.

DreamTech505 · 2 points · Posted at 07:45:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About an hour ago I threw all my dirty washing into my rubbish bin.

ninetyfaux · 2 points · Posted at 07:45:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I actually “hangout” with the characters at Disney World in Orlando, FL. My day usually consists of being a little Goofy. I’ve meet thousands and thousands of people over the years. I still find myself animating like a cartoon when I talk to people, or if I take a normal picture with someone I ALWAYS tap them on the back to let them know that it’s time to leave, accidentally of course, which is what we do after the photo when we’re in character. Goofy’s autograph also has a backwards “F”, I probably sign around 200 autographs a day, so when I write normal letters or notes while at home, I catch myself writing the letter F backwards and I feel really really stupid.

Ms_Uncertain · 2 points · Posted at 07:45:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, my little sister drove us through a wendys drive through. "Welcome to Wendy's, what can I get you?" And my sister, who worked at Burger King at the time, mindlessly responds, "Thanks for choosing Burger King! What did you want to order?" We laughed for days about that.

TheMordicai · 2 points · Posted at 07:45:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In 1st grade (about 11 years ago) my teacher was looking for something for the class to do, and she was asking us if we knew where such and such was, and for whatever reason, I just blurted out "I don't know, but that's your problem, not mine." I got into alot of shit for it over the next 24 hours, and, to this day, have no clue where I heard it from or why I said it.

omgitsmittens · 2 points · Posted at 07:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened back in high school. I was talking with my friends at lunch and couldn’t figure out why no milk was coming out of the carton I was drinking. Turns out it’s because I was pouring the milk on my lap. I even shook the carton to get the last drops out. This still comes up almost 20 years later.

cornplantation · 2 points · Posted at 07:46:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brushed my teeth with my face wash thinking it was toothpaste. Twice in a row.

bluespy89 · 2 points · Posted at 07:47:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why are there so many toilet references when auto pilot is being asked?

TimeFlew · 2 points · Posted at 07:54:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once came home from a walk, went to my fridge and traded my iPod for a diet coke in the door slot. Couldn't figure out where I'd put it for days.

Swizzill · 2 points · Posted at 07:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blow on my spoon of ice-cream to cool it down

Unadvisedd · 2 points · Posted at 07:54:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to live across the street from a grocery store. I never bought too much and I always walked there. One time when I was driving home, I decided to take my car to the grocery store as i was going to buy more than usual. I bought my stuff and only when I had walked up to my front gate did i notice i left my car at the store.

Thewellreadpanda · 2 points · Posted at 07:55:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Focusing on a game, I had an itch on my forehead so my hand instinctually started moving to get rid of it, I suddenly got an itchy chin while my hand was moving, something subconsciously just screamed "DIVERT!" and I ended up slapping myself with some force as my hand had only reached halfway down my face by "impact"...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Revving on neutral and wondering why I am not moving further.

elrichardson63 · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed a folded pile of washing thinking it was my baby while I was going to put it away

TurquiseBird · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let's say my name is Tia and my brother's name is Richie

Richi's friend's mom was calling on the landline. Though I hate answering calls, nobody was around so I had to do it.

Picked the call and went "Hi, this is Tia's sister speaking" and regretted instantly.

Keeps me up at night.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked almost all the Way to highschool on a Saturday when in highschool

Samtoes · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Not sure if this counts but once I was pretty baked in a grocery store and was trying to google ingredients on my phone for salsa, but instead texted “simple salsa recipe” to my friend who I had just been texting. I then tried to keep myself composed and not laugh like an idiot by myself in the middle of the produce isle.

TLDR: googled for a salsa recipe while high but actually texted my friend instead

EnderPlayz286 · 2 points · Posted at 07:59:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a bookshop and have a friend that works in a convenience store next to me. I often go there to buy a sandwich for lunch before we left work together (parttime, we're students). This happens 5 days a week. I don't usually keep receipts to when I get them I always immediately scrunch it up and throw it away.

So back in school, our teachers made us do this dumb activity and write what we were grateful for, and theme it around a certain friend. We did it for each other, and when I received the note from him, I just sorta scrunched up and tossed it in the nearby bin.

It was only when I looked back up and saw his confused and slightly betrayed expression that I realised what I did.

GenBullet · 2 points · Posted at 08:00:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While playing Zelda ocarina of Time, I made a noise something like beeping followed by an explosion, after seeing the great fairy. I had to explain to my friends that it was because her tits looked like missiles.

EnderPlayz286 · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do you see tit-like missiles that often?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:00:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG like this one time I was sooooooo stupid and I....get this... PUT THE CEREAL INTO THE FRIDGE and I was like hehehehe what am j doing!

/s

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:00:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amounts of time i called someone else that is not my girlfriend:

Babu, Babe, Honey, Schatz, Süße or Schnuckelpups

Is fucking embarrassing.

But honestly, if you talk to your SO a lot and have some nicknames, you are so used to saying those names that its weird if you dont adress the person you talk to by one of them.

It sucks, but it makes it weird and or funny for a short time :D

garrettfromsomthing · 2 points · Posted at 08:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called someone on there home phone number and at the end of the conversation asked if they were at there house

mrgreenteam · 2 points · Posted at 08:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought food Taken food out of packet Through food in the bin Realise what I did

scarface2cz · 2 points · Posted at 08:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Inserted metal kettle into microwave and "returned" plate with food into the fridge. and touched burning candle. in one day. that was today.

fm369 · 1 points · Posted at 08:17:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anything... alcoholic involved?

scarface2cz · 2 points · Posted at 08:55:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

nope. sleep deprivation. or rather, completely fucked sleeping schedule to a point where it doesnt exist.

kids, dont do sleep deprivation.

TaxFreePwnage · 2 points · Posted at 08:01:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After many years in food service, I've often served people a beer and they say "thanks", and I've often respond "you too".

I've done this at least 50 times. RIP. Maybe it's from people saying "have a nice day".

Eurekaa89 · 2 points · Posted at 08:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Searching through everything for my phone while becoming more frustrated by the minute, only to explain my frustration to the person on the other end of the phone to whom I'm speaking.

lolcanus · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on checkouts in a grocery shop, meaning that I quickly fall into a loop of saying; 'next waiting', 'hi how are you' and, 'would you like a receipt.' So it's not uncommon for me to yell "next waiting!" Right into a customer's face when I'm trying to greet them

helladangerzone · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I regularly yell out “corner” in stores and restaurants.

I work in a restaurant and it is this is commonplace whenever you come around a blind corner.

parkingthekar · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I’m with my girlfriend, usually whenever she passes by me or stands next to me, I’d tap her ass or kinda caress it; she likes it and its fun to tease sometimes when theres people around but no one is watching.

I went home to my parents for the first time since dating her (was in college so back for the holidays) and my mom is around the same height as my girlfriend.

I nearly tapped my moms ass before realizing what I was doing.

And now I have to consciously think about what I’m doing with my hands when I’m at my parents place.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "love you" to the Bus Driver. That was pretty bad.

jfaulkner9292 · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "excuse me" to an empty chair and pushed passed the people standing near by like they were inanimate objects.

Quigglesj · 2 points · Posted at 08:02:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was coming out of Marshall’s with my mom. Both of us started going towards what I thought was our silver Pilot and opened the door, only to crash into the girl getting out. My stupid ass self yells “Mama, there’s a weirdo in my car!" In her face. And I pushed her.

Gods, the embarrassment still lingers to this day.

Turns out, we didn’t even drive the Pilot that day, we drove a Camry.

wrapperpaper · 2 points · Posted at 08:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mother trying to touch a laptop screen Also, trying to turn on the TV with her iPhone

fm369 · 2 points · Posted at 08:15:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always end up attempting to treat school PCs as if they're touchscreen, and also my parent's one, but only because I myself have a touchscreen laptop.

baybrighto · 2 points · Posted at 08:03:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Number 9 live below me on the second floor. The hallways in the block are identical and usually when I'm looking at my mail I enter their flat. They are always pleased to see me and they are friendly... but it is still very embarrassing. This has happened four times in six months.

Spice_it_up · 2 points · Posted at 08:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking at a physical picture and something in the background caught my attention. I tried to use my thumbs to zoom in on the section like I would do if I was on my phone.

fm369 · 1 points · Posted at 08:13:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes do that as well

BoiboiMcBoi · 2 points · Posted at 08:03:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the theater watching Gwen's graduation from Amazing Spiderman and everybody in the film was clapping so my subconscious was like hey better start clapping. It wouldn't have been so bad if the person I was with had to let me know that I was clapping for a fictional character!

I5r66 · 2 points · Posted at 08:03:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go very deep into my thoughts that I’m staring at someone for a questionable amount of seconds.

Jak_Stairchair · 2 points · Posted at 08:04:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making my way through my dining hall one night and it was really busy. I walked by this table and this one dude, I had no clue who he was, asked his friend “hey what was due for English” and I looked him in the eyes and said “I don’t know man”. Then just walked away.

It wasn’t even that embarrassing at the time but the more I think about it the more I cringe.

pskych · 2 points · Posted at 08:04:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started taking my pants down at a public restroom before I even got in thru the stall door. I was ready to go, I guess.

analogue7 · 2 points · Posted at 08:04:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was leaving my apartment to visit my friends. I figured I could take down the trash with me. Well you need the apartment key to get into the room with the big trashcans. I get out my keys, unlock the door, step inside and threw my keys away. Once I realized I still had the trash in the other hand I threw it away too. And then I realized what I had just done. I even had to call my roommate downstairs, because the cans are too big for me to climb into them without help. Thankfully there wasn't much trash inside..

Caiejay · 2 points · Posted at 08:04:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I turned on my turning signals while i am in a turn only lane

fm369 · 1 points · Posted at 08:10:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That should be required, then people know you're definitely turning.

Tripleb2k1 · 2 points · Posted at 08:04:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back on January 30th 2006, at 3am during a 12hr night shift, I ending up coming home early due to fevered up, throat infection, weakness and as the saying goes “The lights were on but nobody was home”. From 1am to 3am of anything I was told I have no recollection of. The fever lasted for like a week and a half to two weeks. but it took me a month for the throat to heal up....apparently that 2 hour period I was on auto pilot

imanicole · 2 points · Posted at 08:05:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my car keys into the recycling bin instead of the recycling

fm369 · 1 points · Posted at 08:10:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think you used the wrong words?...

imanicole · 2 points · Posted at 08:22:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my recycling into my car keys instead of my car keys. Is that better?

fm369 · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So you threw the keys into the recycling instead of the recycling?

imanicole · 2 points · Posted at 09:02:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nonono my keys into the recycling bin instead of my rubbish i.e the recycling

fm369 · 1 points · Posted at 09:03:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why were you putting the keys in the rubbish in the first place?

Casiorollo · 2 points · Posted at 08:05:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always used to get picked up from practice at school every day and my mom's car, a white van, was usually sitting outside. Well one day I was super tired and saw the van waiting on the road. I opened the passenger door and proceeded to toss my bag in, literally one foot in the door and talking about some random thing that happened to me that day when I looked up and saw a very confused mother looking at me, but not my mom. The car was just a shade darker than mine and I apologized profusely to the smiling mother. What was worse was that the girl who's car it actually was happened to be right behind me and I awkwardly had to walk back past her to get out of her car.

notanvidiafanboy · 2 points · Posted at 08:05:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost put soap my toothbrush instead of toothpaste

aladdin83 · 2 points · Posted at 08:05:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up in the middle of the night to pee, went to the kitchen and pissed in the trashcan

fm369 · 1 points · Posted at 08:08:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like in Norman (the book)

coldnightdrive · 2 points · Posted at 08:05:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this to my own office door at work lol

Sabje_K · 2 points · Posted at 08:06:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was painting and drinking coffee at the same time and almost dipped my paintbrush in my coffee... twice

Hrishita_ · 2 points · Posted at 08:06:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shouldn't have read the comments 😓

tinosim · 2 points · Posted at 08:06:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stalled my manual car, makes me look like an idiot at junction or try to locate the clutch when driving auto. It can be confusing when switching between my new car and old car. Try to find the ignition where actually I’m in a keyless car.

fawnlake1 · 2 points · Posted at 08:06:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

New phone with 2 txt messages one to the wife and one to the senior Vice President of our company.. you can guess which one I sent the “good morning baby I miss and love you..” txt message to! Luckily he’s a cool guy with a sense of humor.

mirekzlasu · 2 points · Posted at 08:08:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking around the house brushing my teeth, when the super-ultra-mega-minty toothpaste started to really sting. Like the opposite of a hot sauce - hurts, but cold. I rushed back to the bathroom, and my auto pilot went haywire. Instead of putting the toothbrush on the counter and spitting into the sink, I dropped my toothbrush in the sink and sprayed the minty stuff all over the counter.

dannixxphantom · 2 points · Posted at 08:08:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gonna get buried, but I need to get this off my chest. I went into default mode in grade school and after removing my winter coat after recess, I started taking off my overalls. It was winter and I was used to running around in my winter coat and snow pants, which were overall-style. I luckily caught myself before I dropped them, but got both shoulders unhooked before someone asked what I was doing. I made up a lie about the straps being too loose or some shit and pretended to adjust them before I rebuckled.

givemebackmystones · 2 points · Posted at 08:09:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend dropped her calculator on the floor. I turned to her and said “bless you.” Then she said “you’re welcome.” And then we stared at each other and realized how fucking stupid we are.

honeypotofsadness · 2 points · Posted at 08:09:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ask people if they want a bag or if they have a rewards card outside of my job

alexisonfire04 · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at a Budget car rental call centre. Calling a taxi to come get me at the end of the day, I ended the call with “thanks for calling Budget.”

Shelbutter · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked as a cashier for different fast food places for 5 years. Finally have a desk job. Well, one day I went to order some pizza in store ( so I could go next door, get a few groceries and pizza would be done by then) and told the lady what I wanted. I looked down at the price, looked back up at her and said "alright your total is 15.67.......wait." She had a good chuckle over it

Kibbitcake · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve wanted to fasten my seat belt once I sat down for a movie in the cinema on multiple occasions

mcbk09 · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working a night shift as a receptionist.. I went to the toilet, flushed and went to walk back to the reception desk where my hand sanitizer was but I was still pulling up my pants and there was a customer standing there..

melig1991 · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked as a bartender at a restaurant we had a slow night so I was standing behind the bar, zoned out and staring with my customer friendly smile. Realised way too late that I was inadvertently staring at a girls chest for quite a while.

pitchforcupine · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

unbuckling my pants while walking to the bathroom

Petal_Phile · 2 points · Posted at 08:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a dealer at a casino you are trained from day one to "always clear your hands"; whenever you touch just about anything (especially chips) you must show the camera both sides of your open hand so they know you're not trying to steal. Even when you go to scratch an itch, you must clear your hands before and after. Naturally this habit becomes so ingrained that i, and just about every other dealer clears their hands before touching anything at a supermarket or even grabbing something to eat at home. People in public often look at me like I have some sort of nervous disorder.

6018674512 · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to my old job. Walked into my old job. Said hello to my old coworkers. Walked around the counter of my old job. Tried to clock in at my old job. Immense embarrassment at my old job.

Kaapstad2018 · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed my hair with shower body gel and my body with shampoo!

annotyn · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat at a stop sign for way too long waiting for it to turn green.

PoTaToMaN2141 · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to unlock my dorm with my ID... 7 times :|

tx_ag18 · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I was taking a large box from my car and into my house, so I balanced the box on my knee and against the outside wall of my house while I fumbled for my keys and unlocked the door. I accidentally pushed the doorbell with the box and instinctively replied “Just a minute!” while standing outside of my own house

Leoheart88 · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While on cashier called 3 different women Sir.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:11:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just happened about 20 minutes ago: picked up my son's bowl of applesauce, dumped the all applesauce in the sink and threw the bowl in the trash.

thecakefake · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I latched locked my room from outside forgetting my roommate was sleeping inside. Twice.

(i hate 8am university classes)

HentaiQueen69 · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m really late but, when I was in college, I stayed up really late to write up a term paper. Once I finished writing it I printed it out, walked into the kitchen, and opened the microwave to look for my printed paper.

It was the most absent minded thing I’ve ever done. I just stared into the empty microwave and stood there laughing at myself at 4 in the morning.

MisterLorax · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

go to check out at the grocery store

Cashier: "Hey how you doing?"

Me: "Doing great! You find everything okay?"

I've worked retail too long...

SocialEmotional · 2 points · Posted at 08:12:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost offered to breastfeed a crying baby that wasn’t mine🤣

kenflan · 2 points · Posted at 08:13:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked back home from school and left my bike at school.

dryan · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said thanks to an ATM

Geraintus · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the bread in the fridge and poured milk into the bread bin. Family was unsurprisingly unimpressed.

a_lot_of_aaaaaas · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving passed my house on several occasions when I drive to home from work. On my bycicle

Just wake up one moment and realise it is a ten minute ride back to my house

sairemrys · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work in a popular bakery chain in the UK, there would be multiple occasions talking to friends where I'd randomly come out with

"Would you like a drink with that for the £3 meal deal?"

Or

"Can I get you anything else today?"

They found it funny.

nathanm1990 · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove all the way to work on a holiday.

linz_in_the_sky · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't even tell you how many times I am reading a book or a medicine bottle and I swipe to scroll or turn the page. Thanks a lot, cell phones.

SatanMuffin · 2 points · Posted at 08:14:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to rent an apartment on the 4th floor of the building, landlady decided to sell the apartment so had to move. New apartment is on the 5th floor now. So days after moving into the new place decided to walk around the neighbourhood, get to know the new place etc. Come back home, try to unlock the door and the key just doesn't fit, so I try couple more times, thinking I just have the wrong key (still had keys from old place) and look up to realise I'm trying to unlock the wrong door. Apparently, out of force of habit, I just got to the 4th floor and thought that was it. I'm just thankful there wasn't anyone to nottice me flee the scene

ScorchReaper062 · 2 points · Posted at 08:15:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  1. Need to go to the restroom, instead open refrigerator to do the deed in there, realize mistake and go back to bedroom.

  2. If thirsty or hungry I go to restroom, lift lid on toilet, stare into toilet, realize mistake and go back to bedroom.

Marvelfan211 · 2 points · Posted at 08:17:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up early, having to pee, but woke my dog up as I went down the stairs. She was begging, so I decided to feed her. But man, I still had to pee. As I went to the dog bowl, I kept thinking “Feed dog and pee. Feed dog and pee.” My brain combined both tasks and I pissed in the dog dish... yeah

loewentochter · 2 points · Posted at 08:18:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

clicked „open“ on my car keys to open the door to my apartment

Drackir · 2 points · Posted at 08:18:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a green light. Every day when I go to work it's usually red, but late at night it is a smart light and detects cars so it's often green. If I'm not thinking I just slow down anyway.

WholemealBean · 2 points · Posted at 08:18:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have twin sons.... once said ‘look cows’ to a complete stranger on the bus forgetting they weren’t with me!

himynameisjennii · 2 points · Posted at 08:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work and I gave a guy $12. 35 change. I was looking at the clock, not the amount of change I needed to give him.

Wiggleyone · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Several times in the military I would drive to the defac after I got off work and then walk to the dorms since they were just across the street. Next day I walk to the dorm lot wondering where the fuck my car went.

dustyflea · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just took out a bowl to make coffee.

oldboy_alex · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the gas station and usually when paying they ask if I want anything else. So I already got ready to say "No, that's all". But they didn't ask and said the price I had to pay.

  • "That's 16,99€"

  • "No, that's all"

Umee44 · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

one time i was running late on my way to the dentist so i brushed my teeth (you know, because u gotta brush before that appt. like it’ll fix everyday u haven’t flossed since your last appt.) in the passenger seat of my mom’s new car and sPIT ALL OVER THE DASHBOARD bc i forgot where i was.

TheDevilsPrincess · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shortly after I got my licence I got into the back seat of the car instead of the front. Did it more than once too, and yes someone saw.

PrettyGraphic · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “thank you” to a cash machine. Many times.

Voodoomania · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the frozen fries to freezer, closed the freezer, and pressed lock on my car remote.

Throitewhey · 2 points · Posted at 08:19:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dated the woman of my dreams briefly. Things were going well even though I felt incredibly out of her league in everyway. On our second date she put her hand on my back as a comforting gesture, it was real nice. On our third date I attempted to put my hand on her knee as a comforting gesture (we were in a crowded and loud public place), my hand landed closer to her crotch / inner thigh area. When I realized where my hand was I immediately jerked my hand away. In an attempt to mitigate the situation I leaned in, kissed her on the cheek and stared at her momentarily while I was inches from her face. It was the most awkward thing ever. I was frozen with anxiety and didn't say anything. She was looking forward the whole time reactionless. I carried on like nothing happened. That was our last date. I didn't really put together the events and subsequent reality / outcome of that night until much later on. The worst part is I think some of my friends tried to talk with me about it not too long after the event. I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. I was still in denial or completely oblivious about the whole thing. I feel bad for making her feel uncomfortable and worse for ruining a relationship I still dream about years later.

TLDR: I suck at communication and am a re tard.

fleuries · 2 points · Posted at 08:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was little (7 maybe?) I had a dance class in the evenings and would usually have a bowl of ramen since it was quick and easy to make.

One night I successfully put the noodles in the bowl and bowl into microwave sans water. A minute in, there's smoke and flames and my parents rush in to help and take the bowl straight out to the garage.

Round two, they figure I've learned my lesson and go to sit back down. I know I need to put water in the bowl so what do I do? Forget the water again. Same thing - bowl goes out to sit in shame next to the first.

Third time, parents stay in the kitchen and I get as far as putting the bowl in the microwave before they ask me if I'm forgetting something.

That night I just wanted to watched the world burn. Haven't forgotten the water since.

DjurasStakeDriver · 2 points · Posted at 08:20:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blowing on very cold things as if they are hot. I do it almost every time I eat ice cream/ice lollies and feel like an idiot every time.

pardon_negro · 2 points · Posted at 08:21:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finished my transaction at the bank unknowingly and stood there for 30 minutes waiting for the teller to finish the transaction

hidden_horror · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

30 minutes is a long time!

sadylou · 2 points · Posted at 08:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Before my boyfriend and I get out of the car we kiss. Was with my friend and she went to get out of the car and I leaned in for a kiss.... She gave me the most horrified look. Also I've done this to my cousin as well....

tiredomakingaccounts · 2 points · Posted at 08:25:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a girlfriend that would frequently put coffee in the microwave, then forget to grab it on her way to work. One day I went into the break room at work, opened the still-running microwave , took out a lukewarm cup of soup, and poured it in the sink. Stuck my own lunch in and started the microwave. Co-worker heard the beeps from the keypad and yelled "what the fuck man!" I now work from home full time.

hgrxx · 2 points · Posted at 08:26:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Passed by a mirror at Target and I didn't realize it. Thought I saw someone I knew but it was just my reflection and I was awkwardly smiling at myself

Tink_650 · 2 points · Posted at 08:27:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been awarded Gold and Silver! On my first ever comment. Thanks so much! Even tho, I’m totally new and not quite sure what this means.

csails05 · 2 points · Posted at 08:27:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Debit or credit sir?”

“Yes”

PhD_in_corki · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

brain.exe has stopped functioning, pls restart program

lukebeds · 2 points · Posted at 08:28:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “Hi Luke” to someone when being introduced for the first time.

My name is Luke. The person I was being introduced to was a woman.

11toomany · 2 points · Posted at 08:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started un-buttonning my t-shirt the moment I left the office.

CodeBlock · 2 points · Posted at 08:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waitress: Table or booth?

Me: Booth, please.

Waitress: Here you are, enjoy your meal.

Me: You too.

Also:

Me: Hey! How are you?

Them: Good, how are you?

Me: Not too bad, and you?

Kappabashi · 2 points · Posted at 08:42:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long night I forgot a custumer in my taxi shortly before the end of my shift. She only started screaming when we were already in the underground car park and i switched off the engine. She scared the shit out of me.

TySwindel · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just saw a Luther episode like this

Kappabashi · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Which episode/season?

woolyyoinks · 2 points · Posted at 08:46:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a little kid, I had a very noisy household. One day, I was eating soup on the couch watching cartoon network, and then out of the blue I told my soup to "shhhhh" and I even put my finger to my mouth. I realized a few years later after my mom told me why she was laughing so hard at me.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:48:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a preschool teacher. I can't tell you how many times I have stooped down to tie a grown adult's shoe for them... I have been rewarded with many looks of gratitude and confusion.

SuperRandoBoi · 2 points · Posted at 08:48:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was supposed to grab my violin for violin lessons but instead grabbed 2 paint cans and got in the car with them.

nicknack24 · 2 points · Posted at 08:48:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once cooking on the stove with a spatula. My kitties litter box is in the kitchen, where I usually scoop their litter. Well, spotting a turd in the middle of the litterbox, I naturally stepped right over and used the spatula, dumping it into the trash and nearly using it on my pancakes.

X108CrMo17 · 2 points · Posted at 08:52:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I shower, I wash my glassess and my phone. Usually I put my glassess in sink, wash them and dry, and get a wet towel and wipe my phone. I once put my phone in sink, thankfully I noticed before destroying it (isnt waterproof)

thevitamin6 · 2 points · Posted at 08:52:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate the chalk and rubbed the cookie on the blackboard.

angry_snek · 2 points · Posted at 08:52:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured myself a cup of coffee without the cup, nice bit of cleanup at 6 am

MentalBaklava · 2 points · Posted at 08:53:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spit in my laundry box and throw dirty clothes in the toilet

Fk_th_system · 2 points · Posted at 08:53:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some times I hand my 3 year old freshly made coffee instead of her sippy cup

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 08:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Hey would you like a copy of your receipt?” “No thanks!” “Oh okay cool, would you like a copy of your receipt?”

I do this at least twice a shift

akerr1888 · 2 points · Posted at 08:54:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thought I lost my phone then realised it was in my hand the whole time

somenoefromcanada38 · 2 points · Posted at 08:54:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once told my best friend I loved him on the phone. He laughed a lot then said I love you too man, saved my endless amount of embarassment that he took it so lightly.

maimaiday · 2 points · Posted at 08:56:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to madame tussauds in london with some friends. I saw a flash of light comming from my left and apologized for running through their picture. Well ... it was a wax figurine with a camera.

Yak47 · 2 points · Posted at 08:57:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed my dad on the lips. I was a 31 year old man with my own family.

vector-G · 2 points · Posted at 08:57:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanked a cash machine for dispensing cash

quellimone · 2 points · Posted at 08:59:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ctrl + S on my sheet of paper, writing with a pen.

ProfessionalSystem · 2 points · Posted at 09:03:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today at the restaurant I work at I told a wall that I was behind it

francesrainbow · 2 points · Posted at 09:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were about to start a dissection session (human cadaver) at university. At home I would always be the one who set the table for dinner. In front of a group of medical students gathering equipment and preparing to start, I said, helpfully: "I'll get the cutlery" Was mortified

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my phone in trash bin and put empty coffee cup to my ears.

JamalPancakes · 2 points · Posted at 09:05:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost pumped hand soap onto my toothbrush. And I almost poured yogurt into my coffee maker. I catch myself just in time.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:07:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

*Handshake " It was so good..ahh" I always forget to say 'see you'

AubinCLemar · 2 points · Posted at 09:08:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grabbed a random dirty shirt in a spot in my room that i should have known well as a 16 year old male... I ended up hanging out at my friend Kyle's house later that day, and while talking to his parents and his mother's friend in the kitchen they kept glancing at my shirt and giving me strange looks while in conversation. I went to the restroom basically just to escape the akward-energy conversation and sure as shit... I was wearing my fucking cum-catcher. I didn't talk to them for weeks.

Edit: Does this count?

scubadudebro · 2 points · Posted at 09:09:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work construction and was working downtown at the time (chicago.) I woke up around 430 in the morning (i would wake up at 4 to beat traffic) and panicked thinking i was going to be late. Hopped out of bed and SPED the whole way to the work site (about 32 miles) and even thought to myself "wow, theres literally no one on the road, lucky break!) Tied my boots, got my ticket for the parking garage, walked up to the work site, and theres no one there. The lock to the site was still locked as well and i though mayb the guys who open it are late as well. Then remembered it was sunday....nobody was working that day. 18 bucks later, a long swear fueled rage at myself, and some coffee. I drove my relieved/ashamed self back home.

jordaddy · 2 points · Posted at 09:09:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two things:

Brand new boyfriend drops me off at the metro station. He says “see you later!” I say “love you!” Before we had ever said that to each other.

I’m a bartender, and our kitchen is upstairs, so whenever I need to run up there I have to say “up” to warn those coming downstairs so we don’t run into each other. Went to a bar that was located in the basement of a building. Accidentally yelled “UP” at the top of my lungs when I left.

Little bit of a happy note though: boyfriend I accidentally said I love you to is now my husband!

OntheLtrain · 2 points · Posted at 09:09:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At some point in college my roommates and I were living in a small, shitty little house. We found a random rolled up carpet nearby somewhere and decided to use it as a rug in front of our house. Even though our front door opened directly onto the sidewalk.

When friends were leaving the apartment, I'd always tell them to wipe their feet before walking out onto the rug because I didn't want it to get dirty.

Probably 80% of the time, my friends would wipe their feet on the carpet INSIDE the house, go to step out, and then realize what I'd asked them to do. Hahahaha.

Somehow we had that rug out for months. So worth it.

NoHovercraft1 · 2 points · Posted at 09:09:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Slept with my best friend and his girlfriend in the same bed(very huge bed) First we were watching stuff on tv and when we went to sleep, we switched places so I wouldnt be between them or next to his girlfriend. But in my friend's brain I was his girlfriend, because she was on that spot all night, so in the middle of the night he turns around and starts stroking me. I let it continue for 5 seconds untill saying "dude??" And he's like "Holy shit! hahaha what the fuck". The next morning I turn around to him and start stroking him saying my cats name for a moment.

-Dueck- · 2 points · Posted at 09:10:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember one time in school years ago where my best friend and I were queuing up at the school's burger van to get paninis. We got them basically everyday and they always handed you a napkin with it which we would immediately throw away. On this particular day the queue was huuugeee. We waited in line for a solid 20 minutes, I got mine, removed the napkin and threw it in the bin.

My friend got his, removed the napkin, and threw the whole panini in the bin. We both just stood there and stared at the napkin left in his hand trying to process what just happened.

Ibbus93 · 2 points · Posted at 09:10:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I take off a shirt, I remove my glasses even if I am not wearing them in that moment

sutbags · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Giving cyclists the nod as I'm walking down the street when I'm not on my bike.

teetertodder · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been on foot and waved to cyclists riding by. My wife: Do you know that guy? Me: No, I’m just an idiot.

mathav · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropped my expensive razor in the toilet Yell "Oh shit I dropped my razor in the toilet" Flush

Fuck

donscron91 · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left my social security number instead of my phone number on a voicemail.

dwtougas · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was young, about 13. A friend called and asked if I wanted to do something. I said I'd ask my Mom and put the phone down, She said yes. Biked over to his house and found him on the phone, waiting for my answer from Mom.

MasterMedic1 · 2 points · Posted at 09:13:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use to stuff things down my girlfriend's shirt at the time whenever she asked for something.

So when at work my coworker Jenny asked for something and I instinctively went to stuff the object in her shirt. I stopped Midway in the air with my spatula in horror.

Given me and Jenny we're good friends, I epxlained to her and we both laughed.

nemesissi · 2 points · Posted at 09:14:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up, went through morning stuff and used 2 different trains to school. Wtf is the doors locked and nobody there. Yup, weekend...

Rheiju · 2 points · Posted at 09:14:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was eating something with a plastic spoon, I wanted to go the toilet and throw the spoon in the trash.

Instead, I ended up finding myself almost pissing in the trash can.

NoonLooney · 2 points · Posted at 09:14:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I poured apple juice on my food thinking it was salt :(

oftoadsandmen · 2 points · Posted at 09:15:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was finished swim training and I was so out of it I started to take my togs off in the pool room filled with people. Luckily I also have an autopilot where I keep my towel on the whole time so as not to pop my micro cock out so I just kept going and put my pants on and everything and no one was the wiser. Hopefully.

14nicholas14 · 2 points · Posted at 09:17:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured orange juice in my goldfish thinking it was cereal.

teetertodder · 2 points · Posted at 09:35:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a solid 30 seconds I thought you meant an actual living goldfish.

Royorbs3 · 2 points · Posted at 09:18:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fly a plane

4chan2hardcore4me · 2 points · Posted at 09:19:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least twice a year I’ll wake up with a carton of orange juice on my bedside dresser and find the book I was reading in the fridge

stoutyteapot · 2 points · Posted at 09:20:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in multiple big box stores so I drive a lot. I was working on a project and I needed something. So went out to my car opened the trunk and just stared inside. I couldn’t remember what I needed, so I closed my trunk and went back inside. It turned out that I needed a shopping cart and I was looking for it in my trunk?

rico_suave3000 · 2 points · Posted at 09:20:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Entered my bank pin on microwave keypad in an attempt to heat a cup water.

SwirlyKalen · 2 points · Posted at 09:23:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And did it heat it? 😂

Presto412 · 2 points · Posted at 09:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my cellphone using it's own torch

scout-247 · 2 points · Posted at 09:22:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've accidentally put the remote in the fridge

evilZardoz · 2 points · Posted at 09:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep trying to insert the keys into the ignition in my car, which has keyless entry and start and thus, no key-operated ignition. Now I have a bunch of deep scratches on the steering column!

SwirlyKalen · 2 points · Posted at 09:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put the cereal box in the fridge, instead of the cabinet where it belonged.

Sturmraug · 2 points · Posted at 09:26:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've worked at Mcdonald's for 7+ years now. The work can get quite repetitive and auto piloting is a normal occurence. One time I was taking fries out of the frying pool and instead of dumping the fries in the storing bin I just dumped them back into the frying pool. Facepalmed so hard that day. :D

scout-247 · 2 points · Posted at 09:27:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When seeing the latest Mission Impossible movie in theaters, I instinctively grabbed the remote to turn it down

HansPlays · 2 points · Posted at 09:28:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After going to the toilet I sometimes start brushed by my teeth instead of washing my hands

May113017 · 2 points · Posted at 09:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a manager in fast food. I'm the person that bags up your order in drive thru or the person that puts your order on a tray to sit down and eat. I've walked all the way up to the drive thru window with a tray full of food countless times before realizing it is clearly meant for someone inside. I've thankfully never tried to hand the tray to someone sitting in their car but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

abearc · 2 points · Posted at 09:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone said to me “hi! Long time no see!” And I responded “hey, I’m very well thanks, and you?”

Peregrinebullet · 2 points · Posted at 09:29:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work night shift doing dispatching for a security company.

My script for answering the phone was " [Company name], [Peregrine] speaking, how can I help you? ". I sometimes processed over 80 calls an hour, especially at 6am and 7am due to guards signing in and out.

More than once, Id shuffle down to the bus stop in the morning and the bus driver would greet me with a cheerful "hello!"

To which I would reply "[Company name], [Peregrine] speaking, how can I help you? " without thinking.

esoxxose · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I worked at Walgreens last year and years before that I had worked at Panera. When I was working the register at walgreens, I asked the customer if they had their MyPanera card instead of their Balance rewards card. Customer was a champ and just went with it and knew what I meant. It wasn't until I looked up at her smile that I had realized what I had done. I asked her if I really just said that and she was like yes, yes you did. She thought it was great. Not that bad but super embarrassing. I hadn't worked at Panera for probably 4-5 years when I said that.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lost my phone at uni. Carrying a massive handbag I did what I naturally do when looking for things in said giant bag, use the torch on my phone...yup. Spent a good 10 mins looking for my phone with my phone

Kukukichu · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a party. was saying goodbye shaking a strangers hand and went in to kiss him on the cheek.

hungryheadcrabs · 2 points · Posted at 09:30:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

3 examples of Auto Pilot induced by sleep deprivation:

  • I just started working as a hostess when a guy called in about making a reservation. After a brief and friendly chat, I thought it was time to tell him about our promo/special deal. Somehow, my words got mixed up and I ended up saying "Your mom will get free ass" instead of "Your mom will get free apple crisp." I did everything in my power not to make eye contact when they came in.
  • Went to the convenience store at my dorms to buy some toilet paper and things. I made some conversation and asked the cashier how much my total came to and began wondering why he was so quiet. The real cashier in the other aisle bust out laughing. I had been talking to a cardboard cutout of a person...
  • When I was a reservations sales agent, I prided myself on my customer service skills. It was late at night and I had just solved a difficult issue. Thinking I could finish on a good note, I smiled into the phone and told the guest that she could "rest in peace" now using my sweetest phone voice. That definitely didn't have the effect I was going for.
FeatherBrew · 2 points · Posted at 09:32:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Try access the security turnstiles at my office with my phone (Apple pay), and later try access the London Underground train station with my company access badge. Happens far too often...

justunoeuf · 2 points · Posted at 09:32:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used the phonetic alphabet on the telephone and said "So that's W for whiskey, Y for ....WANKEY" 🙈🙊

assholewithbigtits · 2 points · Posted at 09:33:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My coworker sneezed at work and I said "goodness little man!" In the mom voice. I have a 5 month old. He thought it was hilarious, but I was mortified 😂

mandelbro25 · 2 points · Posted at 09:43:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thirsty, I decided to pour myself some tea from the pitcher my step dad had made earlier that day. I poured my cup... and just kept pouring. A longer time than I care to admit passed before I realized my cup was overflowing.

cktripp · 2 points · Posted at 09:43:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve worked retail for 5 years, I was shopping with my mom in Marshall’s (not where i work) and accidentally asked a random shopper “do you need help finding anything?” While I was also shopping...

Whoops

kingofxanth · 2 points · Posted at 09:45:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was watching TV and needed to go for a piss. I was that engrossed in the TV program that I got up and walked backwards so I could still see the TV (it was in the days before you could pause TV). I turned and began to piss, half way through I realised I was pissing in the kitchen bin. Had to stop midflow and waddle to the toilet to finish before going back and sorting the bin out. Missed most of the show.

Nikkoza · 2 points · Posted at 09:56:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just started working at a new place, and had to go pickup something on the other side of the city, on my return i drove straight past my new job, drove for 40minutes towards my old job. Then realized i work at a new place upon entering the old workplaces driveway..

Raichu7 · 2 points · Posted at 09:57:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got milk from the fridge and needed both hands to open it so I put my phone down on the nearest flat surface, inside the fridge. Poured my glass of milk then put the milk away and left. About an hour later I turned the house upside down looking for my phone but couldn’t find it and decided to have dinner and try again after. Opened the fridge to get my dinner and there was my phone.

bobaboo42 · 2 points · Posted at 09:58:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Courier driver came to hand me a package on the driveway, he commented on my motorbike "nice bike!" Then put his hand up ready for a high five (I'm not a habitual high fiver, I'm British..). I eagerly through my hand up in readiness only to realise he was actually getting a pencil from behind his ear.

Note to self: delivery drivers do not want to be bro's with me

Awks.

wablable · 2 points · Posted at 09:58:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apologies for the "this wasn't me" disclaimer but this happened to a friend of my mum -

She was a mother to three young kids and had been run ragged. She was attending a sit down dinner with her some colleagues, and her manager was there too. Her manager ordered a tough steak and was having trouble cutting it.

Mum's friend absent-mindedly stood up, leaned across the table and started cutting it up like she would for her kids. She apparently got quite far through before anyone stopped her!

Nudelkopf1 · 2 points · Posted at 09:59:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a teacher and my teenage students get so embarrassed when they call me "Mum" or "Dad" (or "Nan" or "Gran" which is cute because I'm in my 20s). One boy called me "Mum" so many times it became a joke and I was renamed "Miss Mum" by him and his friends.

CorbynRW · 2 points · Posted at 09:59:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I go to put my bowl in the sink after having my cereal I always put my phone under so I can hold both at once. I put my phone in the sink under my bowl and looked for my phone for a solid hour or two afterward 😑

Epzilepzi · 2 points · Posted at 10:01:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a friend of mine. We were in science class and were using a measuring cylinder to measure something. We usually use plastic ones but for some reason we had a glass one that day. Friend pours the liquid from the cylinder into the beaker we were using, and just full force tosses it into the sink. It smashed into bits, and he just stood there and stared at it as we were laughing.

Teacher was behind him and saw the whole thing. He didn’t have to pay for the cylinder.

belsizepark · 2 points · Posted at 10:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More than once I've accidentally used my husband's aerosol deodorant as hairspray and didn't realize it until I got to work and looked in the mirror.

GingerNinja23 · 2 points · Posted at 10:16:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was high as fuck on weed cookies one day (my first time dojng edibles) and when I got the munchies, my hand automatically reached out to the bag of cookies and I quickly gobbled up a bunch of those bad boys without realizing that they were not normal cookies. I don't remember what happened next.

SelfConfessedCreep · 2 points · Posted at 10:17:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When we were a bit younger, my brother was trying to get through to some call centre.

He was so bored with it and wasn't really paying attention to what the little robotic voice was saying, so when it stopped talking, he assumed he'd been put on hold in a queue.

He mentioned to me that he found it strange how this call centre didn't have hold music. We were in a funny mood, so startled messing around, singing our own hold music, making jokes, complaining g about it taking so long, generally being dorks. Then suddenly the robotic voice came back on- 'Thank you for leaving a voice mail, your message has been saved'

We both burst out laughing.

Basically he thought was on hold, but was actually leaving a voice message, and managed to capture our entire dorky conversation which some staff member would have to listen back to

iwantagoatandakitten · 2 points · Posted at 10:17:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I get changed for a mammogram I take off my pants.

IRELANDNO1 · 2 points · Posted at 10:18:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was hungover and had some jobs to do, washing clothes, light the fire etc...

I put a shovel of coal in the washing machine!

_buiwsh · 2 points · Posted at 10:18:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Being all English and the like, making myself a cup of tea every morning. One morning not too long ago took the milk out of the fridge, poured it in the kettle and boiled it and spent about 10 mins wondering why the water came out all milky.

Wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't give my newly made second attempt cuppa to the dpd delivery driver

silentz0r · 2 points · Posted at 10:19:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A coworker once got up from his desk and proceeded to go knock on the door from the inside and waited a good couple of seconds for an answer before realizing and shrugging in a "what the hell am I doing" way. Was hilarious to watch the entire thing unfold.

HommeSauvage · 2 points · Posted at 10:19:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking with my girlfriend with my arm around her shoulders, we stopped by a shop to check around and she went to check a dress, I didn’t notice. I curled my arm around her and started walking saying let’s go baby, only to see it was another girl, same height.

arrlekino · 2 points · Posted at 10:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but: I'm an introvert and don't talk much with strangers. However, I talk a lot with my wife.

Problem is, when I DO talk to other people, my habits from the convos with my wife leak out. I called (both f and m) colleagues "sweetie" and tapped my brother's thigh...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:20:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

2 days ago i was in a changing room and took off my belt, shoes, jeans and socks before remembering i was trying on a jumper

SpicyAbsinthe · 2 points · Posted at 10:21:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We had an ant problem for a while and one Sunday morning, waiting for my first cup of coffee, I saw a bunch of ants in the kitchen. I immediately thought:

"Huh? But it's Sunday!"

SaintRandon · 2 points · Posted at 10:21:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The dreaded one goes for a fist bump I go for the handshake then we both switch and try again.

DontStopMe_ · 2 points · Posted at 10:21:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I regularly throw the teaspoon in the bin and the teabag in the sink. British problems.

Charmander1001 · 2 points · Posted at 10:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister was upset while we were at KFC getting dinner so to cheer her up I said your part of a family that has big bum, big belly and big boobies (grabbing them while I say them) got busted doing it by KFC Crew trainer and other customers. So I felt weird, it was funny and I embarrassed myself.

Cytuit · 2 points · Posted at 10:22:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once went to school in stead of going to basketball

PringleDust · 2 points · Posted at 10:23:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a bookshop for a couple of years. One day I walked into one of our sister locations that was located in another province, out of curiosity I wanted to see what the bigger stores had compared to us. Walked in and looked around a bit when I bumped into another customer.

"Hi, how can I assist you today?"

The person looked at me confused cause I didn't have a name tag or the uniform that the employees wore.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:34:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 12:34:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh no! Half a day of holiday spent at work. Did you at least get paid for it?

FarBlueShore · 2 points · Posted at 10:55:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Few years ago I'd been using my ipad all the time, which is of course a touchscreen. When I went to donate blood they had a computer to check yourself in - I proceeded to try to touch the screen of a desktop computer.

People behind the counter laughed, I laughed, shrugged it off - and then tried to use the screen AGAIN.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 10:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Enjoy your meal” -waiter

“Thanks, you too” -me

mochi2018 · 2 points · Posted at 11:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a receptionist, and i usually answer the phone with "Good morning/afternoon/evening, _______company, mochi2018 speaking". I was dozing off at the front desk and a phone call came in, I go to answer it on my switchboard and in my half woken state, I pressed the wrong button. I did my spiel over the intercom for my entire company to hear... I can still remember the cackling down the hallways.

chezmonue · 2 points · Posted at 11:05:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend took a drink from a soda can that had been in his truck for a few days. He forgot that he had peed in that can a few days before. I'm surprised he told me.

electric_toes · 1 points · Posted at 11:41:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nooooo that hurts

TheSpasticGremlin · 2 points · Posted at 11:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at Karate class as a kid and was kneeling down for the beginning bit and did the sign of the cross cause I was brought up catholic

Alien_snail · 2 points · Posted at 11:10:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in retail for years. After a particularly long and tiring shift I called into a supermarket to grab some bits to make dinner. The cashier scanned through all the items and told me the total was X amount. Without looking up I said “Thank you, would you like a bag for those?”

The minute I said it I realized what I’d done and started laughing. Her response was perfect: “No. Do you want a bag?” It still makes me laugh.

EdgeBandanna · 2 points · Posted at 11:10:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So used to referring to my daughter and wife with pet names that I do it to colleagues at work.

mad_obi · 2 points · Posted at 11:10:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opened a Nescafé 3 in 1 Instant Coffee and pour it to the thrash can.

OptimalFollicle · 2 points · Posted at 11:11:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my phone in the fridge "to charge"

Neef_The_Owl · 2 points · Posted at 11:13:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember back in high school my friend had told me about how her boyfriend’s nose had a little bump in the middle, so later when we were all sitting down hanging out i stare at him for a good 10-15 seconds then excitedly proclaim “you do have a nose!” Interrupting their conversation. They still dont let me live it down.

iamnotfurniture · 2 points · Posted at 11:14:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking up the stairs to my apartment with my dog after walking him. I tend to look at my phone while I’m walking, and on this particular day when I opened the door, this really fat sausage looking chihuahua rushed out, tail’s a waggin’.

I stood there stunned for a moment as sausage chihuahua started to sniff my dog, acting like it’s the most normal thing in the world while my brain tried to comprehend why my door wasn’t locked and how I got an extra dog. I peeked into the flat and noticed someone with their back facing the door near the kitchen inside before finally computing that, Yeap this ain’t the configuration of my flat. I pushed the excitedly wriggling chihuahua back into the gap of the door and painstakingly, as silently as I could manage, closed the damn door.

People, don’t look at your phones while your walking home lest you end up at the wrong floor of your apartment and open someone else’s door.

19feet · 2 points · Posted at 11:14:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a coworker. I'm a server at a diner. When you go through the swinging door to the back of house or vise versa you yell DOOR to let anyone know to stay clear. Coworker was bring the drinks to a table and as soon as she set the glass down she just yelled DOOR at them. It was pretty funny to watch.

dclifford2013 · 2 points · Posted at 11:17:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This should be it’s own subreddit, I’ve spent far too long reading these comments lol

amraney95 · 2 points · Posted at 11:21:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at Chick-fil-A and was almost always taking orders on the headset. “Thank you for choosing Chick-fil-A, this is blonderoasty, how can I serve you?” was ingrained into my head as I’m sure I had said that phrase thousands of times. One night at dinner my dad asked me to bless the food, everyone bows their heads and closes their eyes, and instead of the usual blessing, I say “Thank you for choosing Chick-fil-A, this is blonderoasty, how can I serve you?” Long story short I thanked God for choosing Chick-fil-A .

electric_toes · 1 points · Posted at 11:30:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sides

Tryggmundur · 2 points · Posted at 11:22:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a bottle of pepsi out of the fridge, took the cap off and got a glass. I looked out of the window for a sec, put the cap back on and put it in the fridge. I then went to take a sip from my empty glass, felt stupid and went to get the bottle again to actually pour some in.

I felt real dumb at the point in time.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 11:22:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Small can of paint in one hand, mug of coffee in the other. I take a sip from the paint, and splash the coffee on the drywall, almost simultaneously.

I would kick the back of my head if I knew how to do backflips.

p0tatochip · 2 points · Posted at 11:23:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said 'thank you' to a cash machine

electric_toes · 2 points · Posted at 11:23:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Oh Christ. Okay.

I’m a young white female. I used to work at a bookstore, where, unlike everywhere else in town, we did not have PayPass. It got to the point where literally every customer would ty to use it and I eventually came up with the genius line “once you start using PayPass, you can never go back!” to dispel the awkwardness. (I was clearly amazing at customer service........... anyway)

A super handsome young black man came in to the store. I was so intimated by his attractiveness that words began to fail me, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. So the whole interaction went by in deathly silence until the moment when he whipped out his credit card and went to use PayPass.

Brilliant! I thought to myself, I can whip out my auto line to break the ice! So I perked up and confidently said, “once you go black you never go back!”

Killer_Turtles · 2 points · Posted at 11:25:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once in a little general store and wanted to buy a small bag to put a gift in. It was $1.50. I went to but it but I had no cash and the cashier would not take credit. So as I am about to go and get some cash out when this little old lady behind me says she will pay for it, I refuse but she insists. She hands me a two dollar coin and I reluctantly give it two the cashier. Now about half an hour later I suddenly realise that when the cashier gave me the change I put it into my wallet, thanked the woman and walked out of the store.

grs_srg · 2 points · Posted at 11:27:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a nap after school one afternoon (14-15yrs old), woke up around dusk, went to the kitchen, I must of thought it was the next morning, proceeded to make a bowl of cereal whilst my mum looked confused at the kitchen table.

shehathrisen · 2 points · Posted at 11:28:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if this counts as “auto-pilot” but had been breastfeeding around the clock one day and had slept 1-2hrs that night. Anyhow the doorbell rang so I buzzed whoever it was in to the complex and as I was walking towards the door, my baby started to cry. He had been crying for what felt like all day and I was an anxious first time mum so I popped down my nursing tank and quickly changed directions to go feed my baby (as I had done already 10 times that day). Halfway towards my baby, someone begins knocking rather impatiently at the door (in my hast to comfort my baby I had totally forgotten that I had buzzed someone in) so once again I changed directions and answered the door. It was a courier*. It wasn’t til I handed his signing pad back that I realised my entire breast was hanging over my tank. I was so mortified I quickly closed the door almost getting his hand caught in our heavy fire door.

*this courier was an ass who would never attempt to deliver my parcels in the 3 years that I had been at the address and would instead leave a “sorry I missed you, the parcel has been taken to the post office” card in my letterbox. That morning I had called the post office to advise that I would be home all day and he needed to deliver the parcel to my door. Not sure if it was the complaint I had made that morning or answering the door with my whole breast out but he has delivered every single parcel to my door in the last 5 years since.

edbacca1 · 2 points · Posted at 11:38:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long shift, I waited several minutes at a stop sign thinking that it was taking an awfully long time to turn green.

pilis38 · 2 points · Posted at 11:40:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a hospital and before entering a patients room we always had to knock. It was such a habit that i once knocked on the door when leaving the room.

2rlo · 2 points · Posted at 11:41:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to fill minibars in a large hotel when I was 18. All day I would knock on doors and yell "Mini bar!" until my knuckles were blue. I did this day in day out for 3 months until one night I woke up to a half naked older gentleman screaming at me, veins bulging out of his neck, pushing me in the chest "Is this some sort of fucking joke!!? What the fuck are you doing!? It's the middle of the night". I was emerging from a deep sleep and slowly realising I was being pushed out of his room, I too in my underpants. I had been sleep working, knocking on every door of my staff accommodation yelling mini bar and trying to open their doors and this fellows was the first door that was unlocked. I quit soon after that.

F_Klyka · 2 points · Posted at 11:42:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I held the TV remote while getting up to make some coffee. Opened the coffee jar, found it to be empty, put the remote in the jar, closed it, put it back, went back to watching TV and forgot about it.

Was confused when I couldn't find the remote. I looked everywhere. I was even more confused when I went to refill the coffee jar a few days later and found the remote. It took me a few minutes to figure that one out.

trice_7 · 2 points · Posted at 11:48:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a bit late, but one time my wife and one of her best friends were in our room, we decided we wanted to go out for some reason, so i'm like "sure, I got to change into some jeans tho" and take off my shorts in front of my wifes friend and casually change into my jeans.

I've changed clothes in my room hundreds of times so it was just natural. For some reason I didn't register that someone other than my wife is in here.

When I turn back around I look at her and immediately say "Why the fuck did I just do that?" We all had a good laugh about it.

Edit: Just in case it wasn't obvious, I was wearing underwear.

nmbcat · 2 points · Posted at 11:48:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a cinema, and would say 'thank you, enjoy your film' around 400 times a shift. After a particularly long shift, I went to get cash out. When the cash machine gave me my cash, I told the cash machine 'thank you, enjoy your film'... I got some strange looks

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 11:51:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think the most common one is the "wrong name".

You know how parents who have two kids sometimes mess up the names on autopilot?

I'm a kindergarten teacher who takes care of 20 kids, and sometimes I'll need to go through at least ten names while the kids stare at me like I'm having a stroke.

kidchillin · 2 points · Posted at 11:54:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting in class, super tired, I put my hand inside the desk shelf where the books go because it was comfy. I looked down to see something coming out of my desk and jumped in my seat. It was just me slowly pulling my hand out of my desk and not realizing it.

TL;DR: Got scared of my own hand, in broad daylight.

tomorrows1today · 2 points · Posted at 11:54:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once cleaned a ketchup on the floor with a piece of bread...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 11:56:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was shopping with my girlfriend and her friend at the mall. They both are the same height, wear LPN scrubs, and tie their hair up. They're pretty much identical from the back. So my girlfriend's friend was looking at some clothes and I walked over and squeezed her butt and asked, "Do you like anything, insert girlfriends name?" She looked at me and only then it struck me that it wasn't my girlfriend. Now let me tell you that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to explain to my girlfriend.

Dinzeldanaher · 2 points · Posted at 12:05:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Recently I poured Pepsi into my tea instead of milk

cyatt · 2 points · Posted at 12:05:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating at cafeteria alone so i wanted to put on some music. While eating fries I almost put a fry in my ear and my earbud in my mouth with my other hand. Hope no one saw that.

julicorne · 2 points · Posted at 12:06:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I go home, I usually take of my socks and put them in the dirty laundry bin. I don’t know why I guess I was to tired to realize, I threw them in the trash bin in the kitchen (hope my English is good it’s not my first language).

AFriendlyPlatypus · 2 points · Posted at 12:08:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I have a German Shepherd Puppy, and when she's biting too hard you're supposed to yelp like another puppy would to show that it hurts too much.

After doing this for about a month straight, high pitched yelping whenever she bites me, I stubbed my toe one day in public and immediately yelped loudly

TheAmazingGazza · 2 points · Posted at 12:08:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy your movie"

"Thanks you too"

MReitman19 · 2 points · Posted at 12:11:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Phone in one hand sandwich in the other. Luckily no one was home to witness me try and eat my phone

jback97 · 2 points · Posted at 12:28:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was really little I did a very similar thing. Except it was a popsicle and chalk. Yeah, I definitely do not reccomend licking chalk.

Badweathercolorado · 2 points · Posted at 12:13:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have on several occasions started clapping in a movie theater because they were clapping in the movie

scubastefon · 2 points · Posted at 12:18:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to adjust my glasses, even when I’m just wearing contacts.

Spetchen · 2 points · Posted at 12:19:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My phone comes to life when you double tap the screen. A couple days ago I took out my notebook and double-tapped the cover. 🙄

greekgodgrizz · 2 points · Posted at 12:19:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a meeting with my boss (female) and another guy at work. This is a semi-professional environment, and I was explaining something to the other guy when my boss interrupted to clarify something. Just on autopilot I said, "Be quiet honey Daddy's talking." I was completely horrified before I even finish saying it but couldn't stop it LOL.

Blastguy · 2 points · Posted at 12:20:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter: "Enjoy your meal"

Me: "Thanks, you too"

jback97 · 2 points · Posted at 12:24:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a pharmacy, when we open a new bottle of medication we draw an 'x' on it to mark that it is open. One night I decided to make myself a peanut butter sandwhich. Of course I had to open a new jar of PB and if you haven't guessed it yet, I drew a nice big 'x' on it.

AlexIsACoolGuyISwear · 2 points · Posted at 12:24:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called the dinner lady "mum"

unibroww · 2 points · Posted at 12:24:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was painting with watercolors and I like to have a glass of water for drinking as I work... Drank the pigment water instead. (happens every once in a while now)

evorcer · 2 points · Posted at 12:41:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I’m in recovery and regularly attend NA meetings. Had a work meeting to kick off the new season a couple of months ago (I work in retail). We started off with some icebreaker questions and went round the room introducing ourselves by name. It’s worth mentioning that I was fairly new to the job at this point, was only familiar with a couple of people and keen to make good first impressions....I managed to introduce myself by saying “Hi everyone I’m Steph and I’m an addict”. Took me a moment to clock what I’d said until I realised no one was replying. Had no idea how to explain myself so just carried on by answering the icebreaker q. Oh deary me

DeathBySuplex · 2 points · Posted at 12:43:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked produce for ten years.

It took me a good two years after being at a new job before I stopped “facing down” apples and whatnot when I was shopping if I was holding a conversation or anything.

My hands just did the work.

If I went in the department and ACTIVELY thought “Don’t face the product” I was fine but if chatting or letting my mind wander I’d face half a table before realizing I was doing it.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 12:43:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work at a jewerly store so now every time someone mentions jewelry I go into sales mode, activate fakesmile.mp4, straighten my suit/ tie and almost go into a spiel about the piece in question before I realise we don't stock it. And that Im not working right now. And I'm not wearing a suit. Needless to say I get picked on a whole lot everytime someone comments on a bit of jewelry in my prescense.

measuredsharky · 2 points · Posted at 12:44:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to get a glass of milk while playing DS, put my glass of milk on the counter, my DS in the fridge then sat down with the jug of milk. I stared at the milk jug for a solid minute absolutely perplexed before realizing the mistake.

Ebonsong · 2 points · Posted at 12:44:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes while I'm driving down the road I'll zone out and start to worry I've lost my car keys because I don't feel them in my pocket.

Vogel88888888 · 2 points · Posted at 12:48:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fell asleep in the middle of class in year 3 I believe, teacher walked over to my desk to wake me up and my only response was “hey mum I had the best dream, the school was burning down” like it was the most normal thing to ever say to a room of 8-9 year olds

tomenas94 · 2 points · Posted at 12:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know how people like to browse on their phones while in the bathroom? Well. Better dont. You might mix up toilet paper and your phone....

PS: typing this while on the toilet.

ctc1031 · 2 points · Posted at 12:49:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On my way to work at 6am i stopped at the gas station. My work requires steel-toe shoes. When i went inside i looked down and i had on one slip on sandal and one normal non steel-toe shoe... i was alittle late that morning.

jumbolump73 · 2 points · Posted at 12:51:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at Regal cinemas in Oaks, Pa to grab movie tickets before going to dinner. Girlfriend driving red sedan type moves forward while I'm at the ticket window. Similar red sedan type pulls in front of theatre behind her. I, with tickets in hand jump into the car and this guy says "what the fuck are you doing"? Embarrassed, all i could do was point to the car in front of us.

sp1z99 · 2 points · Posted at 12:51:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 13 one of my sister’s friends shouted “Happy Birthday” up the stairs to me as she went to see my sister.

Me: “Thanks, Happy Birthday!”

That was the day I learnt what “cringe” meant.

King-J_- · 2 points · Posted at 12:54:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandma always used to get up for work at 6 in the morning. One time in the winter months (when it's still dark outside at 6 am) she woke up, got dressed, ate her breakfast and drank her coffee. When she put on her coat and shoes, just before going out of the door, she looked at the clock and noticed that it was about 3 am.

She sat there and did crossword puzzles for 3 hours. Gotta love grandmas.

nite_wolf · 2 points · Posted at 13:11:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up taking my shoes off outside the door before going into the house. A couple of times I've just been in auto pilot and take off my shoes getting in to the car. Brain wasn't clicking. My mom thought it was funny. We had to get new shoe at our destination. Sure enough when we got home my shoes were neatly placed in the driveway right where I left them.

nobrienn · 2 points · Posted at 13:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once accidentally wore my pyjama pants under my normal pants to school and only realised when I went to the bathroom in the afternoon

Cypheroptics · 2 points · Posted at 13:13:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Basically all of 2018 has been me on autopilot mode.

BallenaFrancaAustral · 2 points · Posted at 13:16:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was about to put on face cream but I wasn't looking in the mirror. I put face cream on my glasses.

Right after that, on my way out of the bathroom, I "turned off" the light which wasn't working.

mt48459 · 2 points · Posted at 13:17:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

pressed Control + Z on my keyboard in front of me to try and fix an error I made while drawing with pencil on paper

LordRednaught · 2 points · Posted at 13:17:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked a site for Security where I had to drive the golfcart down from the gate to the lobby to cover lunch break. More often than I care to admit, I'd leave to head back, pull my car keys out of my pocket, and try and unlock the golfcart as I walked up to it.

mtchgrnt · 2 points · Posted at 13:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pull out my apartment keyfob to tap into the metro, or pull out my metro card to get into my apartment block.

I do this more than I'd like to admit...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 13:19:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal, poured boiling water over my cereal.

PR1996 · 2 points · Posted at 13:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During high school i was listening to music and eating Pringles during class and one of my class mates got my attention for a few seconds so i had taken a ear bud out, and i guess when i turned back toward my desk i thought my earbud was a Pringle and put the earbud in my mouth. Thank goodness there wasn’t an abundance of earwax on the ear bud.

VPutinsSearchHistory · 2 points · Posted at 13:23:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My laundry basket is in the bathroom. I had a load of laundry to put in. I also needed the toilet.

I put my clothes straight in the toilet and pissed in the laundry basket because I am not a smart man

hairy_oak · 2 points · Posted at 13:25:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a child in school, we always got up at 7 to get ready for school with my mom waking me up. So I took a nap from not sleeping the previous night. So my mom comes in and switches the light on and tell me it's 7 o'clock and I needed to wake up. I immediately get up and start putting my school clothes on only to realise that my mom woke me up for dinner

Frosted_Roses · 2 points · Posted at 13:26:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How many of us have accidentally put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the pantry? Once my mom put a bad of clothes in the fridge instead of the leftovers

idlewildgirl · 2 points · Posted at 13:29:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried some clothes on in the changing room of the shop then walked back out without putting my own clothes back on.

Winkleberry1 · 2 points · Posted at 13:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my brother was working on an essay on the family computer and handed me a crumpled piece of paper and asked me to "delete this" (he found a typo on one of the pages).

Stirlingblue · 2 points · Posted at 13:29:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but I was sat next to my wife having a cup of tea and I offered her a biscuit.

Phone in one hand, biscuit in the other and tea between her legs she proceeded to dunk her phone into the tea and then try to bite it

h_djo · 2 points · Posted at 13:31:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my cigaret in my coffee and the sugar in the ashtray

BillyBlueBones · 2 points · Posted at 13:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my brother. When he’d get the dog in his arms he’d kiss the top of his head. He was laying down and I handed him the dog backwards. He gave him a cute little kiss on the butt.

PostSoup · 2 points · Posted at 13:36:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking down the hallway at work. See a colleague and say "Hi how are you? I'm fine thanks" all at once without them responding.

JustSayJulie79 · 2 points · Posted at 13:43:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In preschool we were having free play in a huge open room. I was sitting on the floor playing alone with a doll house just like one I had at home. The doll house door came off (something that happened to mine at home all the time) and I loudly yelled, "MAMA!" It echoed. Everyone stopped and stared. I still cringe about this sometimes. I am 39.

catfoodcaity · 2 points · Posted at 13:50:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for State farm, I now work for another insurance company but once in the middle of the night I woke up from a dream, grabbed my phone and said thank you for calling State farm into it. Not sure what my dream was about haha

joeneedssomemilk · 2 points · Posted at 14:08:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been at student accommodation for 3 months roughly, and have got so used to running up the stairs to my flat and swinging the door open and walking through it at the same time that I swung the door open once, it hit my foot and stopped, then in complete auto pilot mode I walked pretty solidly into the inside edge of a reinforced wood door, had a bump on my head for a week

andbingowashishomo · 2 points · Posted at 14:10:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting a vaccine shot in my ass once, and the nurse asked me to pull my pants down and lie down. I felt myself pulling my underwear and pants all the way down until I realised she probably didn't need my dick to be out as well, and that years of whoring had left its marks.

BabyGirlR · 2 points · Posted at 14:12:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally told my parents I went to a swingers party.

imlkngatewe · 1 points · Posted at 14:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so nervous that I'll accidentally day something about swinging in front of the wrong group of people! I did accidentally snap a whole thing about enjoying spanking and swapping to a friend instead of the couple we we're getting to know once. Lived that down. The friend gave me some grace. Lol

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:12:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat at a bank drive up ATM and wondered why it was taking them so long to take my order.

Muustopher · 2 points · Posted at 14:13:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the kettle in the fridge instead of the milk whilst making coffee

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 14:19:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn't have a car for a long time and had to take the bus for ages. Eventually I got an apartment up the street from my job, 7 minutes door to door on foot. I would walk every day, including lunch during the warmer seasons. It became very routine. Eventually I did buy another car and would drive it to work when it was cold out, otherwise I'd still just walk since it was so close. The walking became so routine it was indeed "auto-pilot" to me.

Well, on quite a few occasions I have driven to work then walked home, completely forgetting I owned a whole ass car. I'd go out to run errands or whatever and have a fuckin stroke when I thought my car was stolen. This has happened far more times than is acceptable. Seriously, ten, maybe twenty times over the last couple years.

I'm an idiot.

Suresweetie · 2 points · Posted at 14:20:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made myself a cup of tea this morning and started to put the kettle in the fridge... proof I needed caffeine!

dogdog46 · 2 points · Posted at 14:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple nights a week my boyfriend will stay with me, it’s pretty normal for us to switch who is big and little spoon while we are sleeping and I hold my hands against his chest if I’m big spoon.

One night me and my best friend came over to stay with me and we usually stay in the same bed, we went to sleep not touching each other but in the middle of the night I woke up to her pushing me off the bed. Turns out I accidentally groped her in my sleep, she told all our friends and I still haven’t lived it down.

Best thing is she made me a memory jar for Christmas and that was in it, we were crying with laughter. :)

swedhitman · 2 points · Posted at 14:20:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Non naitve English speaker here so my translation of the issue is a bit rough.

Work half-time as a waiter in a restaurant. Every now and then when i have cleared a table I want to say "Have a continued nice evening". What i usually say though turns to " have nice continued evening".

While it is pretty harmless. In my mind afterwards does it always feel like I really hope they make it through the evening without getting harmed or something.

croacdri · 2 points · Posted at 14:24:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i almost shaved my teeth once

thereisnoglob · 2 points · Posted at 14:28:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I asked the dunks girl if she wanted anything else after I gave her my coffee order 🤦

Ireysword · 2 points · Posted at 14:36:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a nursery home and when I got home after some shifts I would knock on my own front door before unlocking it. Also when I'm clothes shopping with my friends I have to force my hands to keep still because as soon as they get out the changing room I start to adjust their clothes. I never did in on purpose my hands just move on their own.

Thisisthelasttimeido · 2 points · Posted at 14:42:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Saturday, had the day off drank a bit with some friends. Woke up at 2am on Sunday. Took a shower, got dressed, grabbed my article of clothing that a store is known for that is worn over other clothes drove to the store and then realized that "I haven't worked here for 4 years.... " Went home. Girlfriend asked me why I was up so early "I dunno just woke and couldn't go back to sleep"

Yes, I kept the orange thing because it's handy when I work around the house.

goofy_dumpy · 2 points · Posted at 14:50:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My buddy comes by and introduces his friend "Sam". I shake his hand and say "Hi, my name is Sam".

I am not Sam.

SounPaapu · 2 points · Posted at 14:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but years ago my mom was cleaning her diamond earrings in the kitchen. When she’s done she decides to hand me a glass of milk from the carton on the way to her room. Fast forward a couple of hours later, she’s frantically searching for her earrings turning the house upside down. It took me all of 5 minutes to find the empty carton of milk in her cupboard and the earrings in the dustbin. The first time she was glad I hadn’t taken out the trash when she asked me to.

coffee1015 · 2 points · Posted at 14:59:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At subway thinking to myself about the time my friend accidentally asked for a 3 incher. The pressure that you get put under to order at subway is intense and in my confusion also asked for a 3 incher.

Another time we were talking about football in the queue and then asked for a football at the counter.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:00:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instead of paging the doctor to my operatory over the intercom, I said “thank you for calling dr ____’s office, how may I help you?”

I saw the doc down the hall roll herself out of the room she was working in and gave me the most confused look I’ve ever seen on anyone’s face.

Zaquarius_Alfonzo · 2 points · Posted at 15:01:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I was baking cookies and cracked an egg into the trash

imakethingscooler · 2 points · Posted at 15:01:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Super late to this party, but I've definitely tried to use my fingers to zoom in on a piece of paper after working on my iPad all day.

mac-user669 · 1 points · Posted at 15:04:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same here

Harshhaze · 2 points · Posted at 15:02:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making some hot water for tea, but I forgot to pour the water out of the container... and I put a container (hydro flask) with paint over the stove, and it burned the bottle. Roommates were cracking up and trying to open a window

TypiKhaleesi · 2 points · Posted at 15:03:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like others here, I also have 2 little kids. Once while hosting some (adult) friends for dinner I started to cut the chicken on one of the guest's plate into small pieces before handing it to her. Fortunately she is also a mom and knew what I was doing, and just said "it's ok, I can cut it myself"

iV01d · 2 points · Posted at 15:09:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working fast food drive-thru. While doing a morning shift after an evening shift, many times I'll tell people to have a good evening, at 9am. Or a good day at 8pm at the end of a 7 hour shift.

Busy_Parsley · 2 points · Posted at 15:10:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

im a labour nurse and after 2 hours from when the baby comes out we transfer our patients to a different unit to recover. One time i brought them over, the receiving nurse unswaddled the baby to discover that I had apparently completely neglected to ever actually put a diaper on the baby. I did all the other things we do with the babies just... missed the diaper. I also regularly find myself writing "RN" when i sign my name somewhere

NevinScott · 2 points · Posted at 15:10:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I blew on my cereal like you would soup

kneticz · 2 points · Posted at 15:10:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ripped up my cinema tickets in line before we got inside...

Drove away from McDonalds without picking the food up but after paying...

I could go on.

Envisioneer · 2 points · Posted at 15:14:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

got back from the grocery store, put the milk in the laundry room cabinet, bleach in the fridge.

cajoly200 · 2 points · Posted at 15:14:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have very poor vision. A lot of the time, after putting my contact lenses in, my brain still thinks that I can't see so I put my glasses on while wearing contacts. Not fun. Hurts the eyes.

In addition, also while wearing contacts, i think that I am still wearing my glasses and go to push my glasses up. I end up just poking myself in the eyes.

h11584 · 2 points · Posted at 15:14:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was my birthday. Crush called up at 12.

"Happy Birthday!" - 'Same to you'

NumbOfLife · 2 points · Posted at 15:15:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just woke up, in bed, very sleepy. Day dream I’m in the bathroom and start peeing. In my bed.

jakers540 · 2 points · Posted at 15:17:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got a new job after 2 years of working at a different job. Drove halfway to to work on my first week before realizing I was driving to my old job by mistake

Listerin35 · 2 points · Posted at 15:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ex-bus driver here. 2 years after the fact, I still fund myself coming to a stop at railroad intersections, usually before trying to open the open side doors, but not always. Also, occasionally have the urge to pull over and pick up people i see standing at bus stops.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:24:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was doing some work in the office, with a coffee by my side in a paper cup, and my phone on my other side. When I was done, I got up to throw the coffee cup away, and I realised, just as I did it, that the object that was in my hand was my phone, and not my coffee cup. There were a few people around and they didn't see my throw my phone in the bin, so I had to choose a moment where they weren't looking to quickly retrieve it. Last thing I wanted was some work colleagues seeing me rooting through a bin.

Izarme · 2 points · Posted at 15:24:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a very shy and introverted kid, once in middle school I left the classroom to go to the bathroom, when I came back I was lost in thought looking at the floor, went silently into the classroom, saw everyone gathered around the teachers desk and thought they were checking homework or something, walked to my place on the back row and sat, then I noticed my backpack and stuff where gone and I said in low voice: "Where the hell are my stuff?" Then I felt a weird silence and realized everyone, teacher included, were looking at me silently, speechless... I went into the wrong classroom!

I scurried out of the class and felt super embarrassed for days...It took me way to long to notice.

Also one time I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, saw a white car park in front of me and just got inside without thinking, closed the door, tossed my backpack and left out a huge sigh of relief, my day was over, so tired! Then I look at my mom and there is a speechless lady looking at me, I bolted out, fast.

Bricklesworth · 2 points · Posted at 15:31:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a date with a girl I was really interested in, so I left a full hour early to make sure I got there on time. I accidentally auto-piloted myself towards my old house in opposite direction. I turned around and got to the date just in time(with a bit of speeding).

Romulai · 2 points · Posted at 15:32:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a teenager working at Wendy's (in the drive thru) I would answer the phone once in a while with "welcome to Wendy's what can I get for you?" And immediately hang up out of embarrassment

doriswillie · 2 points · Posted at 15:37:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m late to the party. I use to nanny, and when the children would try to burst into the bathroom while I was in there I would always yell, “PRIVACY!” I was using the faculty restroom at work, heard a door handle jiggle and shouted, “PRIVACY!” At a coworker. We had a laugh when I explained that It was an automatic response, but I was embarrassed to leave the bathroom.

topcorjor · 2 points · Posted at 15:40:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At an ATM. Insert card. Withdraw money. Card comes out, put it in my wallet. Money comes out, put it in my wallet.

Look the ATM right in the eye and said “Thank you”.

I haven’t said it out loud since, but I have a serious urge to thank the bank machine every single time I withdraw money.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:41:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This thread makes me feel like such a human

whitak3r · 2 points · Posted at 15:44:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called a customer who's name was Jena but spelled different "Jina".

imnotsuretbh · 2 points · Posted at 15:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was removing nail polish but also drinking water...I dont think I have to give you all the details for you to realize the issue there

immersed_in_thom · 2 points · Posted at 15:59:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh nooooo lol

selcouth_devotee · 2 points · Posted at 15:47:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to a school where, as part of the uniform, girls wore a 3/4 length skirt. If you bent down normally in these skirts, they tended to get caught under your shoes as you tried to stand so you had a good chance of falling or pulling your own skirt down. Because of this, I kinda learned to just keep my legs straight and bend pretty much in half to get whatever I dropped (which happened quite a lot, because I'm clumsy)

So, there I am, 13 year old me on my way to science class clutching my textbook, in a bit of a rush because my school corridor was a huge square with classrooms either side and it was a one way system, so if you were in room 3 and your next lesson was in room 1 you had to walk all the way around. I drop my textbook and instinctually bend over quickly to grab it. Unfortunately, my crush, who was in a different science class but his lab was beside mine, walks right into the back of me and, in pure shock, we both just kinda freeze and he throws his hands up and says 'Woah!'. So, there we stand, in a Robin Thicke/ Miley Cyrus kinda pose for a solid five seconds which, doesnt seem that long, but it's just long enough for me to make eye contact with the year head, a 60-something year old man. The look of horror and confusion on his face still haunts me. I'm sorry, Larry.

AngloKiwi · 2 points · Posted at 15:47:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Riding my motorbike home from work after a nightshift I was stopped at the lights and realised I didn't have my seat belt on.

Five seconds later after looking for it, I realised I'm on a motorbike and don't have a seat belt.

KrookedMystery · 2 points · Posted at 15:48:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After buying tickets from a movie theater employee. Employee: "Enjoy your show, Sir." Me: "You too!"

immersed_in_thom · 2 points · Posted at 15:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Or people telling me happy birthday and I said “thanks you too “ lol

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:48:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

immersed_in_thom · 1 points · Posted at 15:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Better in the glass than on the spaghetti lol I’m Italian! My grandparents would have been horrified lolol

Snoman002 · 2 points · Posted at 15:49:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rarely talk on the phone, and then it's usually my wife or mom. Preceded to end a phone call with a male coworker "love you".

Weptbadge65 · 2 points · Posted at 15:50:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do I take nsfw off of the reddit app?

CinnamonMeow · 2 points · Posted at 15:51:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been playing a lot of Mario Kart 7 on my 3DS. Got in my car later and tried to indicate by pressing the nonexistent R and L buttons on my steering wheel.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 15:54:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came home from work after working a week of 12 hour shifts and I was using my key fob to try and get into my house pressing the unlock button for my car. Took me about 5 minutes to realize how stupid I was.

immersed_in_thom · 1 points · Posted at 15:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stupid or burnt from work? Lol I vote burnt out. All jobs I’ve had with key fobs have been life sucking lol

brainsong · 2 points · Posted at 15:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just yesterday I headed off to work from the dentist only to wind up at my old place of work rather than my current one.

Sowisababylove · 2 points · Posted at 15:55:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have ADHD, so this is like reading my biography. A few gems from my archives: Cruising through the countryside with friends, dreamily staring at the horse out the window, when I realized it was actually a donkey. No big deal, except I randomly shouted in surprise “it’s a Donkey” No context, no preamble, just a random statement of the obvious.

I could not find my phone. By necessity I own a tile, because I lose it at least twice a day. I heard the ringing, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly I realized the noise was following me. It was in my bra.

I was thinking about my plan for making my daughters cake, ran a red light, and flipped am SUV with my Prius. I only share this one because we all walked away. I am equally horrified and amused that it happened. Now every time I approach a red light my son, who has not learned the art of knowing when a joke has run its course, will say, “‘ Don’t think about the cake!”

I co-own a wedding officiant company and we collectively perform 200+weddings a year. My biggest fear is saying the wrong names. So far, so good, but my business partner, finally had it happen the other day. Thank goodness everyone laughed, and later, when the groom got caught with the maid of honor in the coat room, they completely forgot it ever happened, I am sure.

Crazy stuff happens at weddings. My worst was the time the bride started back down the aisle without her bouquet, and without thinking I ran after her shouting “Your flowers, your flowers!” I also knocked a sand ceremony over with my butt once, but that was my clumsiness, not my spaciness.

I will leave you all with a prediction for a future snafu. I co-pastor an interfaith church, and every Sunday we livestream our service. Every single Sunday, god knows why, “I like Big Butts” gets stuck in my head during the service. I literally have to mentally restrain myself from bursting into a bad rendition. Someday I will probably fail. I will share the video when it happens.

Porkglue2oo · 2 points · Posted at 15:56:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into a sliding glass door at Walmart. They were closed but a couple of staff saw it and laughed at me...

Richard1985 · 2 points · Posted at 15:57:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bartender greet guests with "hi, how are you today?" Or some cases "hi, what may I get you today?" Girl with big breast caught me off guard and walks to bar and leans over the counter a bit, and I greet "hi, how may I get you today?" Awkward silence for moment, then continues to tell her drink order. I was alot younger with alot of hormones then.

NandadJohnson · 2 points · Posted at 15:57:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put dirty socks in the toilet instead of the laundry

basketball145 · 2 points · Posted at 15:57:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I set my cat in the fridge for three seconds after I grabbed a gallon of milk lol

daniel4sight · 2 points · Posted at 15:59:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bought some microwave burgers and just put the entire unopened package in the microwaves and it took me 30 seconds to realise what I did.

selcouth_devotee · 2 points · Posted at 15:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex and I always used to take the same walking route from my house to the local shopping centre, and it got to the point that we got really specific about where exactly we crossed the abandoned street (at this one specific crack) to taking shortcuts down back alleys. Since we both took it together and were so used to it, neither of us announced 'ok we turn here' or 'ok we cross here'. Our relationship wasn't a great one (he'd started physically hurting me) and long story short, I fell in love while I was still trying to leave him (yes trying- he would blank out refuse to admit we were no longer together, and only accepted it when I straight up told him 'listen I kissed _______, I'm now with someone else, please leave me alone').

So, I'm walking the same route with my boyfriend about 2 days into our relationship (which was also 2 days after my relationship with the other guy was officially over) and instinctively, I disappear over a small dirt hill and down a foot-made path through a field. About a minute in, I realize I'm now alone and turn to see my boyfriend running and trying to catch up with me. I'm a fairly small person and walk quietly, so it took him a while to notice I was gone too (he'd reached a cross section and looked to me to know which way to turn) and when he did notice, he ran to me and met me with a 'what the hell man' expression. I explained to him 'I used to take this route all the time with *ex*, I'm sorry, I'm just used to turning' and started welling up.

It sounds dumb, but when you're 2 days into a new relationship and also 2 days out of an 18 month abusive one, your head is in a tizzy. Any reminder of my old relationship brought me to tears for about 2 weeks after it happened.

kittykatcher · 2 points · Posted at 16:00:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a red light like it was a stop sign and then went. Luckily there wasn’t any cross traffic in the intersection.

DiceyBit · 2 points · Posted at 16:00:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use plastic card to enter my office and credit card to pay for metro.
Almost every week there is a day when I try to open the office`s door with the credit card and vice versa.

Desatre · 2 points · Posted at 16:00:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in Argos one Christmas in their stock room. This involves wearing a robot headset which tells you where to locate items. If the headset talks too fast or if you don't hear it correctly you can say "repeat" and it will repeat the last item location. A few times if I misheard people in conversations I would automatically say "repeat!".

BenV94 · 2 points · Posted at 16:00:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once walked into the kitchen, opened the bin and peed in it.

toastykerb · 2 points · Posted at 16:00:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In 3rd grade I was so into my project I let a massive fart out .... Thankfully it was only funny for one day because someone else got caught stealing milks from the lunch room.

ktfe · 2 points · Posted at 16:00:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was living on my own, I would consistently put the TV remote in the fridge. I still to this day don’t know why. I’d spend 30min sometimes looking for it, give up and go to get something from the fridge.

Regularly this would end in solo laughing fits.

Stallion-18 · 2 points · Posted at 16:01:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my mom woke up and went to get cereal, except all she did was lay out a papertowel and pour milk on it, and all over the floor..

BrOwNToWn182006 · 2 points · Posted at 16:01:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two things..

Friend: “Hey!” Me: “Good Thanks.” Me: realizing what I had done, avoids eye contact

The second thing is going to the movie theater, after buying your ticket at the counter

Guy behind the counter: “Enjoy your movie” Me: “Thanks, you too!” Me: realizing the error of my ways, avoid all eye contact when leaving movie theater

KB_Turtle · 2 points · Posted at 16:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to suffer from really bad insomnia. One night I got about 2 hours of sleep, got up and went about my day, and then got in bed around 5pm to take a nap. My SO, meanwhile, borrowed my car and drove to the restaurant where he bartended in the evenings. I was out like a light and slept for what felt like a really long time.

When I woke up, I groggily saw that it was 7:00 and I had slept a solid 14 hours. I went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, and I noticed SO wasn't home yet. I panicked, thinking something had happened to him. He wasn't answering calls or texts, so I decided to go out to look for him on foot, since he had borrowed my car. I was halfway down the block in the direction of his job before it occurred to me to check the time again.

It was 7:15pm. I had slept for two hours, not all night. My boyfriend was still at work. Relieved, I went back into my apartment and had some evening coffee.

There is nothing like a messed up sleep schedule to really throw you off.

thnx4stalkingme · 2 points · Posted at 16:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone had spilled water in the kitchen. I stepped on it with socks on and proceeded to say, "GEEZE, that water is wet!"

CountingKills · 2 points · Posted at 16:03:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember back in 8th grade I was super tired for whatever reason in class. At home when I would yawn I would let out an "opera yawn" (you know, wide mouth, let some air through those vocal cords, loud as hell, the works), and that was normal in my house. Well that day I seemed to have forgotten where I was and proceeded to let out an opera yawn right in the middle of a lecture about human anatomy.

Got quite an awkward look from everyone.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked out of work to go for a burger at lunch. It was raining hard so I drove 150m. I got back to work and finished my shift. I walked into the parking lot after work and my car was gone. First thought "Did someone steal my freaking car"? Then I remembered it had stopped raining and I walked back to work from BK.

SuetAu · 2 points · Posted at 16:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll throw my socks into rubbish bins when I came back home

Cranberry_Juicey · 2 points · Posted at 16:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating with my girlfriend and my sister at a local family style restaurant. After the meal her and I talked with the owner for a few minutes. As I was about to leave I shook his hand, turned to my girlfriend and shook her hand and then walked out the door.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:04:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So one day my girlfriend and I were standing in a group of friends. I absentmindedly reach for her hand with my left hand, only problem was that she was on my right. Ended up holding hands with someone I didn't know very well and haven't spoken to since. Yep, awkward.

Helickron · 2 points · Posted at 16:04:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always lock the door to my flat when I come home, so I keep locking in visitors like the chimney sweeper. I once went home completely drunk with a gal and of course locked the door. She was shocked and asked if I always lock the door. I started panicking too and made the situation worse by pulling the key out. Now I was too drunk to get it back in, and I also switched to the wrong key. After some vain tries to unlock it again I just shrug, went to the kitchen and started cooking.

MichelleEllyn · 2 points · Posted at 16:04:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the metal tea kettle in the microwave. I guess I really do need that caffeine to get my brain going in the AM.

lasagnas_hourglass · 2 points · Posted at 16:05:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

saying "thank you" after a girl said she had the same beanie as me

phattaw · 2 points · Posted at 16:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to a restaurant and got my food. Walked back to the table I swore my friend was at and plopped my butt down and when I looked up it was a complete stranger staring back, mid chip chomp. Very awkward and I quickly bolted for the right table.

ArrowRobber · 2 points · Posted at 16:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does the last 25 years of life count?

Yay undiagnosed sleep disorders & parents that like having a "quiet, well behaved" kid to make their lives easier.

Spooky_SpaceKook · 2 points · Posted at 16:05:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve answered my cell phone with “fort _____ satcom, spookie_spacekook.”

Another time was when a friend and I went out. We were both in my car so when I went to drop him off I said “oh good friend is home” and he proceeded to reply with “sure am! Thanks for the ride man!”

maxattacks28 · 2 points · Posted at 16:09:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At an airport the guy checking plane tickets extended his hands to check mine, but I shook his hand instead.

rollnicole · 2 points · Posted at 16:11:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to take a selfie once and tapped my own nose (instead of the screen) to try and get the camera to focus.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:11:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throwing airpods onto the ground as a habit of always taking my headphone out and letting it hang

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:13:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

started entering my phone number into the microwave

Teh_Scaredy_Cat · 2 points · Posted at 16:15:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at McDonald's, I dumped an entire bag of ketchup into the trash instead of the container I was supposed to refill. They were right next to each other

polkadotprincess2317 · 2 points · Posted at 16:18:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was using a paper map to figure out a route before we headed out. I couldn’t see one area well enough so I tried to zoom into it like you do on your phone haha

JClementsfan51 · 2 points · Posted at 16:26:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asking a customer what they would like to order over the phone after they just told me what they would like

glitter1326 · 2 points · Posted at 16:36:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a toy store and had a coworker who had a second job at a fast food restaurant. One time she rang up a customer at the toy store and asked “and is this for here or to go?”

JClementsfan51 · 1 points · Posted at 16:36:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lmao, yup I'll do that to over the phone sometimes

cloutgog · 2 points · Posted at 16:31:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

in a geography lesson (secondary school, UK) I was completely zoned out as my teacher had been talking for about 30 mins. I was thinking about a skate video I saw the other day when I farted out loud, thinking it was a quiet one. Immediately snapped out of my dream and stayed as still as possible so 'the others might not realise it was me' and naturally, everyone turns and looks at me. My teacher, bless him, makes a casual joke to take the attention off me and I blank him and keep looking into space. That was quite embarassing.

iPanir · 2 points · Posted at 16:33:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. Then I realized that I didn’t know where my cellphone was. I started freaking out and for damn near 30 minutes was frantically looking all around the house while still on the phone. I then realized that I was using my cellphone and my girlfriend busted out laughing.

sugarpantssss · 2 points · Posted at 16:33:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In college I was in a second round interview for a consulting firm. This was probably my 40th interview in a few months so I knew the process. I was exhausted to say the least.

During the interview I was having an internal dialogue about how it wasn’t going to work out. The interviewer asked a question and, while the interviewer was mid sentence, the word “noooooo” slowly came out of my mouth. It’s like I couldn’t stop myself. The interviewer was nice but confused.

I didn’t get the job lol.

Happy to say I got a job around interview number 60 and have had a great career.

MrMeltJr · 2 points · Posted at 16:34:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now and then when my roommates and I are going somewhere and I'm driving, I'll start driving to work instead of wherever we're actually going.

Another one, from when I was a kid. I was with my family, about to start dinner and it was my turn to say grace. The phone rang right before I was going to start, and I was closest to the phone, so I picked it up. I said "our father in heaven... uhh..." and then hung up out of embarrassment.

AsD___fGh · 2 points · Posted at 16:35:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was seeing a girl in high school and I was nervous to meet her parents. Got to her house and her dad said, “It’s nice to meet you.” To which I responded and said “good”. Walked away and about 60 seconds later realized what just happened.

avo_cardio · 2 points · Posted at 16:36:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting down at my desk and trying to put my seatbelt on

aidenhall · 2 points · Posted at 16:37:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go looking in the shower for some snacks or refreshment

luvs_sluts · 2 points · Posted at 16:37:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came home from work one day and my wife had a friend over and they were chatting on the couch, I said "hi" walked over to the laundry room took off my pants and came out in my boxers and grabbed a drink from the fridge. I was walking to sit on the couch when my wife asked where my pants were amd mentioned we had guests. I froze while they laughed and then went and put on pajama bottoms.

macmedic528 · 2 points · Posted at 16:38:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as an EMT in the US. When we go lights and sirens to a scene the person sitting in the passenger’s seat helps clear intersections before we go through the traffic light that’s red or stop signs. Usually we just yell out “clear right” and communicate issues such as cars not stopping for us. I’ve caught myself multiple times yelling “clear right” out of habit to family members and friends in regular cars while off duty. Since the siren can be pretty loud the “clear right” tends to be obnoxiously loud in someone’s car! I get lots of funny looks and wtf moments.

Jojo_Epic_YT · 2 points · Posted at 16:38:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I say "How are you?" They say "I'm good, how about you?".

I say "Good, how are you?".

They're like "Good".

I said "I'm doing well today too".

awkwardness ensues

ForeverDrewski · 2 points · Posted at 16:39:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked 2nd shift in an office alone there was an executive bathroom that only I had access to since it was after hours and everyone else leaves at around 5:30. I had to poop and since I lived alone and was alone in the office and just on autopilot I left the door open while I did my business. One of our new engineers was on a bike ride and decided he was going to give his wife a tour of the office. I was on the toilet door open when they walked by. We both still work there and don’t make eye contact.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:40:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The turn signal on my car doesn't automatically click off when I straighten my wheel. I've been driving like this for a full year and the other day I went to click my turn signal off, but auto pilot glitches and I activated my windshield wipers instead. I spent a solid 6 blocks driving with my turn signal on and moving the windshield super up and down, forward and backward, wipers blazing, washer fluid spraying, yelling at my car for not working properly until I finally pulled it together and realized I used the wrong lever. I started laughing so hard at myself I had to pull over because I couldn't see straight. And I was not under the influence of any substances

atnop · 2 points · Posted at 16:42:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the sauna at our local swim hall and had to take my shorts off (you're supposed to be nude in the saunas). When I went back in to the hall I forgot I had taken them off so walked around nude for a minute until the life guard kindly and discreetly reminded me.

kronize · 2 points · Posted at 16:42:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took a sip from a drink with a straw

then tilted the cup like I was drinking straight from it

DeepBreathing4Me · 1 points · Posted at 16:58:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What exactly were you drinking? Because I have a theory...

kronize · 2 points · Posted at 17:08:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was just a cup of Coke

DeepBreathing4Me · 1 points · Posted at 17:09:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, there goes my theory.

darkglitter802 · 2 points · Posted at 16:43:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is gonna get buried... went downstairs after waking up to grab some breakfast... peeled a banana, put the peel on the counter and threw the banana into te garbage can Or being on the phone at work with a client and as a closing phrase went for “k love ya, kisses bye” the way I do with my friends/relatives because I was on WA with my mom

rudy_g_okay · 2 points · Posted at 16:45:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ex-dishwasher at a restaurant, once I grabbed my Doritos Locos Taco, and proceeded to rinse the entire shell off I can never live it down

RobCaffeine · 2 points · Posted at 16:47:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having a particularly stressful day recently. l called out for my coworker to let him know I was gonna step away for a quick break. He wasn't paying attention so I got progressively louder. I realized I wasn't even saying his name I was just looking in his direction and yelling "Coffee!"

SirBeepBoop · 2 points · Posted at 16:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to check my sandwich and eat my phone

CalebMendez12303 · 2 points · Posted at 16:52:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost brushed my teeth with a razor blade...

Aprils-Fool · 2 points · Posted at 16:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a bookstore, and we stocked a lot of magazines. When there were leftover copies of the old issue of a magazine, we had to rip the covers off, throw the magazine bodies away, and send the "stripped" covers back to the publisher as proof that they didn't sell.

One very slow day I spent the better part of an hour doing nothing but stripping magazines while waiting at the register for customers. Finally, a man walked up and placed his items on my counter, including a magazine. I picked up the magazine, scanned it, then ripped the cover off.

The man just stared at me in shock! I apologized and ran over to grab a new magazine for him, but he just couldn't get past the fact that I'd ripped up his magazine!

PrestonSpinsTires · 2 points · Posted at 16:53:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night I warmed up some Little Caesars in the oven and poured some glass of wine. I grabbed my plate and the oven mitt and went to my room.

Benners-Peach-Tea · 2 points · Posted at 16:54:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I read a book, I tend to get into the mind set of the character and in 8th grade I was reading Ender's Game.

My teacher, wanting a responce from a silent class, went "Oh come on, put your hands up." In my day dreaming state, I threw both of my hands in the air. I was sitting in the front of the class.

placebobeau · 2 points · Posted at 16:57:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to drive a friend to and from school for all of our senior year. Though we lived about 15 minutes apart, we both lived along the backroads about 45 min - 1 hour from the school. The bus ride took upwards of 2 hours, so we each got an extra hour of sleep when I came to get her. We had a lot of the same afterschool activities and clubs, too, so it was easy to also be her ride home as well.

One day, I guess a particularly long day for both of us, I was her ride home. We didn't talk much in the car and one of the reasons I drove her everyday was that I just liked driving. So I'm looping through the hills of these farm roads and hitting the apex of the turns and generally having a good time. I was pulling into my own driveway when she finally pipes up 'Oh! Am I coming over?'. I had forgotten to drop her off at her house and she didn't think to call me out on it until I was putting the car in park.

Another time, I had a doctors appointment after school and had warned her I couldn't drive her home that day. I even had to miss a shared club meeting so that I could go get my vaccinations. She ended up sitting in the waiting room of my pediatricians office because we both forgot until we were a half hour from the school in my car.

AfroMan7723 · 2 points · Posted at 16:59:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The old "thanks you too" when they tell me to enjoy the movie

beigs · 2 points · Posted at 17:08:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was 9 months pregnant and parked my car to get groceries.

Coming out, I threw the groceries into the back seat, put away the cart and went back to my car and sat in the drivers side. The seat was really tight, so I had to adjust everything to fit my massive stomach.

Only to find out it wasn’t my car when I tried to start the car and my key wouldn’t fit. There were two identical cars beside each other, and this car was completely unlocked.i grabbed my groceries, threw them into my car, and drove off.

The person will obviously know based on how off the seat and mirror were, but I was so embarrassed.

Ch4rlie_G · 2 points · Posted at 17:17:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was plastered drunk and was eating soft cheese and crackers at a friend’s place. I zoned out and ate all the cheese at the kitchen island.

My hosts came back and I said “sorry guys I killed all your cheese, but it was amazing!”

They said “what cheese?”

It was their butter dish. ಠ_ಠ

purple_carrots · 2 points · Posted at 17:26:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband copped a feel at family Christmas.

Story: my husband (then fiancée) and I were at my family Christmas at my parent's house. My family is one of those big loving amazing crowds that stays in the same house together the whole week, plays board games, cooks food together, etc. I am so thankful for them.

Anyway, we were assigned to the "dorm bedroom" at my parents' place. This is a giant bedroom that has two bunk beds, and two queen sized beds. We occupied one queen bed, while my three sisters, and four cousins took the other spaces. 9 people in their late teens an twenties, all sharing a bedroom. It was great.

Late one night, after laying in bed reading trivial pursuit cards to each other, we decided to call it a night. All the lights were on, and everyone is sitting up looking at each other, when all of a sudden I feel a very firm grasp on my right breast. My husband, on autopilot, went into his nighttime routine of a quick boob grab before drifting into dreamland.

A moment of silence, and then my youngest sister (17 at the time) piped up: "Hm. I mean you could've waited until we turned off the lights to grope my sister".

I've never seen him move so quickly 😂.

Everyone got to hear about it at breakfast the next day...

And of course, it was brought up in the maid of honor speech at our wedding, as the moment we all knew he considered himself comfortable, and part of the family. Gropegate 2015 will never be forgotten.

smindy · 2 points · Posted at 17:27:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've stopped at stop signs and waited for them to turn green. Pregnancy brain is real and so is the struggle.

Retired_Lurker_420 · 2 points · Posted at 17:30:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instinctually trying to light the rim of my beer because weed.

deni_an · 2 points · Posted at 17:34:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me my patient. She had a seizure while she was cooking and fell into the oven. She obviously had a long night in trauma and when she got to me I was asking her general admission questions.

I asked her when her last bowel movement was and she told me "two years" - we both just sat and kinda looked at each other for a second - I could see the wheels turning in her brain until she laughed and slapped her forehead, she wasn't really listening and thought Id asked when was the last time she'd had a seizure.

Every time she saw me after that she cracked up

leakynipple · 2 points · Posted at 17:38:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just bought my first car, went out to dinner with my mom and her boyfriend. Mom drove. As we past a similar car I said "Hey I own the same car!"

It was my car.

productiveslacker73 · 2 points · Posted at 17:38:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fire engine driver.

Previous Engines had the swinging chain between Driver and Lieutenant, to pull the air horn. New pumpers don't have. Years later, I still reach for the (nonexisting) chain. [Now we have foot petals]. Sometimes when I reach for it, the other firefighters just yell out "Honk Honk!"

Mikourei · 2 points · Posted at 17:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Behind!"

It's less a single event and more something I catch myself saying when out in public from time to time. The best is when whoever I'm walking past is also in the restaurant business and responds with a "Heard!" but more often than not I just get confused looks.

southdakotagirl · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:24 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this in grocery stores.

PuggleWuggle85 · 2 points · Posted at 17:51:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night before bed, I lined everything out on the counter that I would need for supper the next day, including a carton of chicken broth.

Next morning, I go to make myself some breakfast. Poured some cereal in to a bowl, opened the carton of chicken broth, and proceeded to pour broth in to my cereal.

xubax · 2 points · Posted at 18:06:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The worst thing is when you do something like that and it was the last of your cereal.

Lookiewookie · 2 points · Posted at 17:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up, got dressed, drove to work, walked up to the door and it was locked. Finally checked my watch and it was 3am, three hours early. Fun times.

deloli84 · 2 points · Posted at 17:53:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During the middle of a dinner rush I went up to one of my tables and asked them if they needed any boxes with their check. Looked down and saw they both were still holding their menus waiting to order.

Went back to the same table later to grab their plates that they ate clean. Asked them again if they needed any boxes with their check. While holding their completely empty plates in my hands. The dining room was completely packed so I had a decent sized audience.

Florenciacar · 2 points · Posted at 17:56:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Felt thirsty, lift my coffee up to drink, but somehow forget to open my mouth

zmann64 · 2 points · Posted at 17:56:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one happened to me recently at college. During the weekends, my food center stops serving breakfast around 3pm, so I usually have to wake up well before then so I can sober up from the night before with a balanced breakfast.

One day I did the exact same thing and it wasn’t until I was halfway to the food center before I realized it was only the middle of the week during finals, and this was my day off.

420glaceit · 2 points · Posted at 17:58:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a conversation where I realized I was on autopilot and had no idea what I were talking about. Like mid sentence, had to ask what the guy I was talking to what we were talking about. The whole thing got super confusing.

SlipknotFan314 · 2 points · Posted at 18:02:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have phantom buzzing. I would feel a "buzz" in my pocket yet nothing buzzed. It's happened so many times that I'll check for notifications even if I didn't feel a buzz

Also back when I had earbuds and they'd fall out, I'd put them back in. A while later after I lost them, Everytime I had volume too low, I'd unknowingly put my finger in my ear for no apparent reason.

diamond_dog123 · 2 points · Posted at 18:03:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was running late for school because I got very little sleep. When I got there I forgot how to take off my jacket..... it would have helped if I took my backpack off and unzipped it too.

katymae123 · 2 points · Posted at 18:03:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve called men “ma’am” and ladies “sir” too many times to count working in the restaurant industry

Tavanatrix · 2 points · Posted at 18:03:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into my bathroom to pee and noticed an unfamiliar sound. I was hearing the sound of urine hitting a plastic bag and not water. Peed in the garbage can instead of the toilet.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 18:03:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kettle in the fridge..

Upon realising what I was trying to do: "This doesn't go in here?"

Also ctrl+s on a really important email.. I thought it would save so I could edit the "CHANGE ME" and "DON'T LEAVE THIS HERE"

Ctrl+s is send.. fuck outlook

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 18:04:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempting to put in my contacts when they're already in!

Florenciacar · 2 points · Posted at 18:05:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was a second grade teacher this year, scolded a random kid on the street for putting something on his mouth, mom was right next to him. Bonus: scolded him in English, in my country we speak Spanish

Taraint · 2 points · Posted at 18:05:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crashed my car, rolled it, and landed upside down. Thankfully I had my seatbelt on. As I hung there I put the car in park and turned it off before opening the door, unbuckling the seat belt and rolling out onto my feet. Guess I just didn't want it to roll away. -.-

ch3000 · 2 points · Posted at 18:06:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to say the pledge of allegiance in school. They handed me the microphone. I started, "Dear Heavenly Father..."

oxysplatter · 2 points · Posted at 18:06:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I cracked an egg into the bin and put the shell in the pan.

nerdypreneur · 2 points · Posted at 18:07:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Catholic Church teacher accidentally bumped me with a pen to the face. I screamed out like she’d stabbed my eye out because I guess this was my reaction as a joke at the time. She thought I was serious and I still feel bad about it. I don’t joke like that now.

-tiny-stars- · 2 points · Posted at 18:08:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making coffee using instant grounds and poured the kettle into the container instead of my mug. Worst part is that I was pouring for a solid 4 or 5 seconds before realising what I did...

TheSahm3108 · 2 points · Posted at 18:09:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a cashier for over a year and one night I’m with a friend at Waffle House and the waitress comes and takes our order and as she’s walking away I say “have a nice day” out of force of habit when I know she’s coming back a lil bit lol

StarlexYT · 2 points · Posted at 18:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to pay before ordering at mcdonalds

safhell · 2 points · Posted at 18:12:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Military here, I work in admin writing orders and such for reservists, was drafting orders one day, and went on autopilot and managed to cross detail from 6 OTHERS sets of orders i wrote, and put various information in the places where info was needed. The end results had the guy driving to alaska in his own vechicle, while taking a train at own expense with no mileage/reimbursement to san diego fron alaska and the flying via govt plane back home. but luckily i caught it and fixed it before i routed it up

njd102201 · 2 points · Posted at 18:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said "I love you" to a guy friend at the end of our conversation, because I was used to saying it to my husband at the time. He said it back out of habit because of him and his GF

Thedjentyeti · 2 points · Posted at 18:16:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day I was cleaning my bathroom and doing laundry at the same time. I walked into the bathroom to grab the trash bin and started out towards the kitchen to dump it into the bigger trash bag. Somehow I ended up in front of my washing machine, which was full of clothes, and proceeded to dump the small trash bin in there without realizing. Still found trash in the clothes after the dryer cycle finished.

Randell2 · 2 points · Posted at 18:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After breakfast put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fidge. D'oh

Birduca · 2 points · Posted at 18:17:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many times when getting off the bus, I mean to say “thank you” but my social butterfly brain seems to chirp out a very energetic “HIYA!”. Proceed to mumblings of oh err yeah, no, I mean thank you.... and run swiftly off.

BrainyBisexualBooty · 2 points · Posted at 18:18:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Handed my girlfriend my mom's meds, and handed my mom the Valentine's card that was for my girlfriend. Right in front of each other.

PM_ME_THEM_TITZ · 2 points · Posted at 18:19:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the women’s restroom while in an adderall-induced tunnel vision. (I’m a man)

rallyblue · 2 points · Posted at 18:20:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up in the middle of the night once and tried to reach for water because I was really thirsty

I went straight for this craft project I'd made a couple years prior that was pretty much a snowglobe in a jar.

I knew exactly where it was on my shelf too. I don't know why I didnt think it was weird to unscrew a lid and pop the top off a water bottle, but I did it anyway and subsequently took a big swig of blue glitter water.

I don't know what I was expecting but there it was.

Kudoshi__ · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:30 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

F

Jozzy74 · 2 points · Posted at 18:21:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my chocolate bar in the bin and went to eat the wrapper. Fuck.

JRGSBOS · 2 points · Posted at 18:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started typing POR straight after entering Chrome incognito mode in front of my friends.

Erioph47 · 2 points · Posted at 18:23:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work on a fishing boat. Once I was filleting cod for hours and totally zoned out. One of my colleagues came over and was like "what the fuck are you doing?" Apparently for a couple fish I'd filleted them, chucked the fillets overboard,and tossed the backbone rack in the fillet bucket.

Foxley_King · 2 points · Posted at 18:24:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating McDonalds while driving. I was approaching a red light and braking when I dropped a fry. I instinctively scrambled to catch it and rear-ended the lady in front of me.

floofsocks · 2 points · Posted at 18:24:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've blown a cold glass of water in case it was hot

sILAZS · 2 points · Posted at 18:24:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a Restaurant and I often say : Thanks, goodbye to new people.

Volesprit31 · 2 points · Posted at 18:25:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to open the parking gate at work with my remote from home.

kaemani · 2 points · Posted at 18:29:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the first year I’ve lived off campus, and I drove to campus but rode the bus back to my apartment at least 5x last semester.

Snipsnapboi · 2 points · Posted at 18:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to visit my friend at his house on my bike , he opened the door to take out his own bike as we had to go somewhere else , I automatically started pushing my bike in his garage as if I was gonna lock it there , it was embarassing and weird at the same time.

Dbgb4 · 2 points · Posted at 18:32:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove about 40 miles past my exit with white line fever.

mjsather · 2 points · Posted at 18:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I moved, I drove to the wrong house after work that isn’t anywhere near my new place

smokedoor5 · 2 points · Posted at 18:49:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Decades ago my great aunt left the house with two errands to run- mailing some letters and buying some meat. She left with the letters and returned with the letters, having gone to the butcher shop and mailing the meat.

greedymine · 2 points · Posted at 18:55:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unwrapping a whole bar of chocolate and throwing the chocolate into the trash-bin instead of the wrapper.

BealeStAviator · 2 points · Posted at 19:05:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a military officer and aviator. After flying overnight into the wee hours of the morning one day, I got a couple minutes of sleep and had to go back into work later in the morning for some stupid briefing or meeting. I pulled up to the gate and sleepily handed the sergeant there my ID card. She says, “Alright, Sir, I’ll just need your PIN number and I can let you through.” I had handed her my debit card. We had a good laugh.

Agent_Miami · 2 points · Posted at 19:10:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week I got a blood blister playing basketball

About 3 hours later I was eating a chocolate chip cookie and bit into said blister because I thought it was a chocolate chip

Needless to say it was very painful

Chance_Giguiere · 2 points · Posted at 19:22:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rinsed off a paper plate in the sink before throwing it away.

dasendederwelt · 2 points · Posted at 19:32:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shoplifted a face mask. I think it's because it fit so perfectly in a pocket in my bag and I will thinking about how I'll put it in there once I buy it.

FFS_IsThisNameTaken2 · 2 points · Posted at 19:37:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm forever trying to unlock my office with my truck's key fob.

Yondemai · 2 points · Posted at 19:41:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I used to work at a movie theater ripping tickets for all of our patrons. Normally after ripping I'd say "enjoy your show." While I was on autopilot, a patron came in with neon orange Nikes. I thought they were vibrant looking shoes. I then proceeded to say "enjoy your shoes" to the next 5-10 customers before realizing what I was doing.

Meowder777 · 2 points · Posted at 19:50:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to make breakfast and typed my pin number in the microwave.

ByDiscoBePurged · 2 points · Posted at 19:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if this counts, but talking on the phone with someone and tearing apart my room trying to find my phone.

nostromorri · 2 points · Posted at 20:04:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking down an aisle in a clothes shop, mindlessly perusing and in my peripherals I see a woman walking my direction. When she got directly in front of me I avoided eye contact we had an awkward show down trying to get past each other. This escalated and continued until I actually looked up and said “excuse me” and realised I had walked towards a mirror and the awkward chick was in fact me. I looked a right knob

h311agay · 2 points · Posted at 20:08:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where I used to work, our old card reader before the new one would beep when it was time to take cards out. And, due to the finicky nature of the card reader, the cashier would have to take the card from the people and run it themselves instead of the customer.

One day, when buying something at my OTHER job, their card reader beeped at me to tell me NOT to take the card out, and on instinct I pulled it out, looked at my coworker and said "fuck, I'm so sorry. We have to run that again. I pulled my card out."

Thankfully he was understanding and actually got a pretty good laugh out of my autopilot response, but ever since then I've made sure to be EXTRA careful with card readers, even though my old place of work replaced the card reader with a newer one not too long after.

BlowMeWanKenobi · 2 points · Posted at 20:09:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once at a Halloween party I had to much too drink, too early in the night, and told my friends I just needed some fresh air. I walked out to my car knowing full well my night was over and I was just going to sleep it off. I woke up the next morning in a 2 door version of my car thinking, "oh those assholes... they changed the steering wheel, and where is the center console lid!?"

It was my friend's blue cavalier that I had climbed in to and slept in. Not mine.

kaitisgreat158 · 2 points · Posted at 20:09:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a popular coffee chain and my store had a drive-thru.

A little background: every employee at this chain has an employee number that you have to give every time you want a free drink on your shift or want to use your employee discount. So multiple times per day, I would recite this number.

One day, I was taking drive-thru orders over a headset. It had been slow and I was chatting with my coworkers when a car pulled up to order. I pressed the button on my headset to take their order, and instead of my normal “how can I help you?” spiel, I confidently recited my employee number. There was a long silence while I processed what happened, my coworkers just stared at me, I turned beet red, and then I had explain to the customer why I bombarded them with random numbers 😅.

Spearzus · 2 points · Posted at 20:10:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went into my job to buy something and started to ask a customer if they needed help finding anything. They just looked at me like I was crazy.

Nigel_IncubatorJones · 2 points · Posted at 20:13:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens to me a couple times every winter. I go outside to start my car to let it warm up while I get ready for work. .. I'm ready to leave the house and I'm searching all over for my car keys, then I finally realize they are in the car that is already running.

AEsirson · 2 points · Posted at 20:38:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My gf sometimes gets panic attacks when waking up in the middle of the night. She told me that once she went for my hand while I was sleeping and apparently I pulled her close and hugged her while remaining fast asleep. She woke me in the morning with a cup of coffee and thanked me and I had no idea what for.

riarum · 2 points · Posted at 21:17:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to reply "lovely" to something my co-worker said while simultaneously trying to say "thank you" to a customer.

I ended up mixing the two & saying "love you" to the customer, who was a little old man who immediately went bright red and trotted off without his walking stick.

He never returned for the stick.

CaliStormborn · 2 points · Posted at 21:21:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't even tell you amount of time I've tried to remote unlock my front door with my car keys

veryfascinating · 2 points · Posted at 21:47:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I take the subway to work every day. My work place is situated on an interchange station between the red line and the blue line. The blue line station is on a third story above ground and the red station is two stories below ground. There’s a series of underpass and escalators that connect the stations of both lines, and in my country all the subway interchanges do not require you to tap out of the gantry - they’re designed to be as seamless as they can get.

So anyway, I live on the blue line while my work place is nearer to the red line station’s exit. No bigger, I usually take the connection path between both lines to get to work. One night however I was to go meet my friends after work, I needed to take the red line out to our meeting place. I got off from work, walked towards the red line station, tapped in, but continued walking towards the blue line instead of walking towards the trains. I only realised my mistake a few minutes later when I was wondering which direction I needed to take to get to my destination. So I walked back the other way, the same way that I take to get to work every morning, but constantly reminding myself to head down to the train platforms and not to tap out. A while later I found myself walking to my office. So I had to walk back to the station again, reminding myself not to take the route home towards the blue line. I guess my brain wasn’t working that night as I found myself on the blue line station again. Had to make the 5min walk back to the red line a fourth time before I got to board the train I was supposed to get on. In the end I was 20 minutes late from all the autopilot walking...

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 21:59:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I hadn't slept in two days for whatever reason. I was working at a call center at the time so I left for a smoke break and when I get back to my computer and sit down, put my headphones on and start reaching for my seatbelt lmao, like "I'll come to your house and show the benefits of switching to directv" lol

aradiarosee · 2 points · Posted at 22:13:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was literally just reading this thread, put my phone down and took my glasses off cause I thought I’d better go find my watch. Found it and went to put it on my face like a pair of glasses... guess this thread put me on autopilot hahaha

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:36 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wtf haha why did you take your glasses off? Are they just reading glasses?

Honestly whenever I have contacts in I constantly find myself going to push my glasses up, only to realise they’re not there and I’ve just made it look like I regularly just poke myself in the face lmao

jestthespacecowboy · 2 points · Posted at 22:26:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hey man happy birthday!"

hi fives

"Thanks you too"

jestthespacecowboy · 2 points · Posted at 22:29:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I also pissed in the laundry hamper across from the toilet one day when I woke up. I didnt remember until I posted that.

Jaybo123 · 2 points · Posted at 22:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened today. Calling my friend "Dad" instead of his real name "Max". Slightly embarrassing as it was around 4-5 other mates.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:31 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

You gotta turn the tables on that. Keep calling him dad, or daddy for maximum effect (affect?). Daddy max can you pass me a bottle of water? Hey daddy max nice shoes.

zawmaciek · 2 points · Posted at 22:42:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Broke a toilet seat in my dorm by falling off of it.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:13 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wtf how? Haha

Kaminari24 · 2 points · Posted at 22:43:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up one morning real tired and proceeded to go take a piss like usual.

However, the toilet didn't make its usual water splashy noise, instead I was aiming at the bin, not the toilet.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:55 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is like the second or third peeing in the bin storey I’ve seen on here! I’m sure there’s more I just haven’t seen lol.

How did you end up at the bin? Was it the bin in the bathroom?

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 22:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

[deleted]

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:07 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

How did moving your bed end up with peeing in the fireplace? Haha

Reminded me of my dad, he used to sleep walk and one time while sleepwalking, he decided he had to pick up my Aunt from the train station. So he drove to the train station (it was far, small town), waited for her and then woke up there.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 23:04:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just talk to myself all the time and speak out all my thoughts because I'm mental.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:41:08 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha I do the same, mostly to my cat because she’s usually there, following me about.

ChristiansBalls · 2 points · Posted at 23:25:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After i brushed my teeth i spat out in the toilet. Felt kind of weird afterwards

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:36 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is your toilet next to the sink or?

Mine is like behind me when I stand at the sink so that would be extra weird if yours was too. Like you turned around and spat into the toilet lol

ChristiansBalls · 2 points · Posted at 00:39:45 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude, that's exactly what i did hahah I have no idea what was happening in my brain during that time

Jthepunk · 2 points · Posted at 23:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once on our way home from Disneyland. (I am an adult in my 20s at this point) I was asleep in the backseat when I hear “Carry On My Wayward Son” in my dreamland and proceed to sing...got through the first verse before realizing I was a. Awake now and b. The song was on the radio and c. Everyone was laughing at me.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:35:02 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha sleep singing! That’s impressive!

Jthepunk · 2 points · Posted at 00:38:42 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so embarrassed lol my friends were pissing themselves.

aar42 · 2 points · Posted at 23:49:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once had a full on conversation with my brother when he woke me up in the middle of the night. He told me about it the next day but I still dont remember a thing about it.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 00:34:10 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was it about, do you remember? Something specific or just general chat?

Reminds me of the time I woke my dad up to ask him a question and he said “let me just finish painting this house in Dalmellington.” And went back to sleep. He’s not a painter, he works in a factory.

aar42 · 2 points · Posted at 00:46:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not much. All I remember him asking me where his phone charger was. He said answered and went off topic.

Killerlaughman · 2 points · Posted at 23:49:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My gf's mom was talking about her cousin who just died. I wasnt listening at all. My gf says to me "did you hear that babe?"

And I go "yeah thats cool"

The rest of the day was pretty awkward.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:58 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG how embarrassing! How did she react?

That honestly sounds like something I’d do, quite often when someone’s talking (usually my mother) I forget to listen. Like I’m looking at them and nodding but I forgot to tune in to what they were saying if that makes sense.

Killerlaughman · 2 points · Posted at 03:16:17 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend got mad, but her mom kind of just ignored me. She's pretty cool, she never gets verbally angry with anyone (unless its her younger daughter)

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 15:35:56 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh dear, did everything turn out okay in the end?

Killerlaughman · 2 points · Posted at 16:44:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, its like it never happened. By far not the worst thing ive done

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 17:12:06 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am I allowed to ask what the worst was?

Killerlaughman · 2 points · Posted at 18:50:48 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah sure here goes

I was about 18 at the time and I was drinking with one of my friends (drinking age is 21 here) We decided to do a bunch of shots. Obviously I got really drunk really fast.

The rest of the story was relayed to me by my friend and my girlfriend. I have no memory beyond sitting around taking shots.

Apparently after I lost all motor function, my friend decided to take me to my girlfriend's house, which wouldn't have been a problem if her mom and 10 year old sister weren't home. My friend dropped me off, and I flailed around on the floor, vomitted, and screamed until I eventually fell asleep. I yelled things like "I wanna fuck you!" And "Fuuuuuckk!"

When I woke up I yelled "WHERE THE FUCK AM I" cause I thought I was still walking around in my friends house. Her mom made me breakfast and wasnt upset. She was just happy I learned a lesson about drinking.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 11:26:15 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha oops.

She sounds like a pretty cool mum tbh

peskeyplumber · 2 points · Posted at 23:52:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally just took a shit in the womens room by accident

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 0 points · Posted at 00:29:56 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

How do you accidentally poop?

peskeyplumber · 2 points · Posted at 15:11:45 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was accidentally in the womans room i mean. Im not a woman.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 15:40:28 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh! That makes more sense haha

How did you accidentally go I tot He women’s?

revisionsucks · 2 points · Posted at 00:07:44 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put dried rice into the freezer instead of the frozen peas.

Threw away my school cash card which was used for buying lunch.

BiggyCheesedWaifu · 2 points · Posted at 00:21:40 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was scrolling through reddit and thought an AskReddit thread that said “Auto Pilot” was actually referring to Pilots.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 3 points · Posted at 00:28:45 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha a thread filled with pilots playing pranks while on autopilot

“Who’s flying the plane!” “The co-pilot, Scully. The co-pilot.”

Crystal_helget · 2 points · Posted at 00:43:48 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ice coffee with a straw in one hand, cigarette in the other. Tried to take a drag of my cigarette. Took a sip of the coffee and spit it on the ground.

The_Jinx_Effect · 2 points · Posted at 00:45:50 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really tired at the end of a Diploma I was doing. I was working 2 jobs as well as having a family with two kids under 3. I was making myself an coffee, put two big teaspoons of instant coffee in my coffee cup and filled the *full* coffee jar with hot water.

leetlepingouin · 2 points · Posted at 01:09:37 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow this thread is making me feel so much better about myself. I am not the only one who has lost my mind

Not_a_hick- · 2 points · Posted at 02:22:33 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put too much oil and vinegar on my sandwich and so I went to wipe some of it off into the sink and I accidentally just started washing off my bread like a plate.

Blind-Engineer · 2 points · Posted at 02:26:12 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost every time I'm in a public bathroom, I greet the toilet.

I'm only now confessing this.

Gigglefruit358 · 2 points · Posted at 02:34:22 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

After work I like to stop at the pub to say hi to friends and decompress, but I never remember to take off my key card lanyard from work. I keep trying to open the bathroom door at the pub with my work key.

fiendishspaghetti · 2 points · Posted at 02:39:26 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work as a ropes course instructor. Once wore my harness home...

Swiggity53 · 2 points · Posted at 03:52:30 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a cashier and sometimes I just pick up my receipts and read them.

Ridleaf · 2 points · Posted at 05:22:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used a metal spoon to fish the teabag out of my mug and thrown both the bag and the spoon directly into the garbage. This has happened too many times to count as I often default to making tea when on autopilot

RideOrDai · 2 points · Posted at 06:07:25 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

as im stepping off the skytrain

turns to the front of train "Thank you!"

KrazyKoi · 2 points · Posted at 06:11:04 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked my brother up from school but was a few minutes late, he came to me crying and I asked him:,,Where are you?" as in I couldn’t see him

6468AD · 2 points · Posted at 06:46:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just threw my underwear in my trashcan 5 minutes ago

Dang202 · 2 points · Posted at 09:11:11 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a swimming pool helping little kids to swim and you always need to encourage them. So one day I was walking with my friends and I just say in the babyish voice "come on keep going almost there" took me a couple of seconds to realise what I had done as well

Chennywah · 2 points · Posted at 09:55:24 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes it is 😊

HGSenpaii · 2 points · Posted at 11:29:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in class.. Sitting there... My teacher was yelling at another student that bullied a kid from another class then she asked everyone in class. "Did your parents raise you like this, (Name of child)?" They all said no except me..

Aius-- · 2 points · Posted at 11:34:25 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Up till 4 AM playing videogames, already haven't slept since 6am the day before, felt hungry a moment after skipping into my pause menu so I got up with little to no conscious effort and walked into the kitchen. With my headset, and controller.

Set my headset and controller down, grabbed the essentials for a peanut butter sandwhich, and a glass of chocolate milk. Made the sandwhich and poued the glass; setting them down. Took my controller and headset, put them into the fridge and walked back to my couch with a glass of chocolate milk and the jug. Half-assedly tried to unpause the game. Checked my hands, died on the inside, set my glass down and went and did everything PROPER. Came back with my headset and controller, but forgot my sandwhich.

Decided to just eat the sandwhich and drink, before going to bed.

digsapony · 2 points · Posted at 13:47:51 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often find myself standing at my front door holding out my debit card.

NewDayTomorrough · 2 points · Posted at 17:43:35 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brought my service dog in training to starbucks for the first time yesterday. She was settled and I asked a lady to pick up my drink for me. Her husband handed it to me and I said, "oooohhhh, Thank Youoooooo" in my dog voice.

_funked_up · 2 points · Posted at 18:40:01 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said I love you when I hung up on the phone with my boss.

slippery-surprise · 2 points · Posted at 10:21:28 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a piece of food in one hand and the plastic wrapper in the other hand. I threw the food in the bin and put the plastic in my mouth. I was very sad.

StBernard_Love · 2 points · Posted at 14:53:31 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left the house intending to drive to Costco, found myself pulling into Walmart.

lilricky19 · 2 points · Posted at 17:16:24 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to walmart with my son. After parking and turning off the car, I literally just sat there staring across the passenger seat. I heard a little voice telling me to look in the rearview mirror, I did and I saw my son. I saw him but it wasn't registering that I was looking at him. Only after a minute or two, of looking did I snap out of that fog. It scared me for awhile because what if I had left him in the car?

Driving while on autopilot, is the scariest, especially when you feel yourself come to.

cpjbill · 2 points · Posted at 23:15:36 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Albuqerque, New Mexico resident. I work at a gift shop that receives a high volume of clientele during the International Balloon Fiesta. Workers will average over 40 hours a week for the 10 day event. I was so tired during the event I put our business’s stapler in a customers bag.

Gaerdil · 2 points · Posted at 03:53:45 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally a minute ago- blew my nose and dropped the tissue into the dustbin in the bathroom. Sat down, peed, and dropped the toilet paper in the dustbin. Then my brain switched on.

tryptamid · 2 points · Posted at 06:20:46 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was blazed and tried to open my front door with the remote unlock button to my car.

anigonzalez3 · 2 points · Posted at 12:07:04 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once ended a professional phone call with a swift “Love you! Bye!”.

All of my co-workers heard and continue to taunt me to this day.

Tinystalker · 2 points · Posted at 19:37:36 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting changed from my pyjamas into my day clothes while in the bathroom. Instead of throwing my pyjamas into the laundry basket, I threw them into the toilet, which at the time was clogged.

pmw1981 · 2 points · Posted at 18:37:13 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long, exhausting work day (13 hours on about 5 hours sleep) I got home & couldn't unlock the door. Panicked until I realized I was trying to unlock it using my car's keyfob instead of my key...

Cicimonsta · 2 points · Posted at 01:40:09 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

911 dispatcher here, I ended a choking call where the patient was no longer choking with "ok, we will send EMS to come and choke on you" 🤦

thecreditbanker · 2 points · Posted at 23:43:52 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

I prepare food every morning. my lunch consists of brown rice and some sort of meat and veggies. I have the Brown rice bag in the pantry, not too far away I have the bag for cat food. Every morning I wake up and put the rice into a rice cooker, then give the kitty some food. One morning I woke up, poured brown rice into the kitty's bowl and put cat food into the rice cooker. While taking a shower, I realized what I have done and felt like an idiot.

on another occasion, I threw my shirt into a toilet vs the dirty laundry bin.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 06:39:19 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a bit to drink and crashed on my buddies couch, got up never opening my eyes and took the identical motions to get to the toilet in my home but in reality, I opened the door to his basement and pissed down the stairs. He caught me before I fell forward while I was leaning over to flush my imaginary toilet.

TerrryPratchet · 2 points · Posted at 23:51:55 on December 29, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working at fed ex, stacking boxes in trailers.... Well you work alone in a metal box for 6 hours stacking boxes you get alittle.... Squirrelly, so I was doing this thing in my head where I created characters and had them talk to each other, this particular one was an old man with a vendetta against Lima beans, well I forgot they had put someone else in the trailer with me cause he finished his and was waiting on his next one to be ready

So it went something like this

....silence....stack boxes....silence....stack boxes.....Ill TELL YOU ANOTHER THING ABOUT LIMA BEANS!!!... Silence..... Stack boxes.... What are you looking at?

Thewsdelre · 2 points · Posted at 06:40:07 on December 31, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my friends funeral, his mom said thanks for being here today, we really appreciate it. My dumb ass replied, “Anytime!”

Cue me realizing what I said, feeling very stupid. They knew me well, and know sometimes my brain does this. Everybody laughed, and she gave me a big hug and said that’s what they liked about me. It was indeed a strange situation. When we left my wife just shook her head at me.

realactualcat · 2 points · Posted at 13:23:53 on December 31, 2018 · (Permalink)

went to use the voice control on my tv remote. pressed the button, blew into the remote, and waited for my show

TheDrachen42 · 2 points · Posted at 19:29:31 on December 31, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up in Ohio. One snowy winter morning I got up and prepped for school, grumbling about how school should have been cancelled because of the snow. Walked to school, cursing the school administration for putting my life at risk by not cancelling, and... cutting through the empty parking lot.

I admit the penny dropped before I reached the locked school doors with a sign saying school had been cancelled. But by that point I was hoping the doors were unlocked so I could warm up inside a bit before walking back. I'm lucky my dumb ass didn't catch frostbite.

manypinkmuchxoxo · 2 points · Posted at 00:07:41 on January 2, 2019 · (Permalink)

I once sleepwalked like 5 minutes while delivering newspapers. Seriously. I woke up and I had moved half a street. Those were some of the most confusing seconds in my life, wondering where the hell I was.

diamondgalaxy · 2 points · Posted at 11:43:01 on January 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

When I was 8 my home phone rang and I answered it “Heavenly Father?” instead of “Hello?” Because we had just said family prayer and I was about to go to bed. Because I was a child I was so mortified and humiliated that I cried myself to sleep. My dad said it ended up being my grandma who thought it was hilarious and he told me that and I cried again, even more upset that my grandma now knew what an IDIOT I was. I knew my reputation was forever tainted.

Peppapignightmare · 2 points · Posted at 13:45:09 on January 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

With three small kids at home I never close the bathroom door, cause, as all parents know, it would mean that you come back out to absolute chaos and possible bloodshed. Turns out it is not appropriate to do so when returning to work after parental leave. Making eye contact with boss when sitting down peeing was a bit awkward.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 14:23:36 on January 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

Oh NO! What happened? Did you quit immediately? I have to say I wouldn’t have been able to continue working there without avoiding eye contact with my boss. Also I’d like to apologise for laughing at your pain. And sharing it with my gran.

I’m not a parent but I do babysit my nieces and nephews a lot. Just last week I was in the toilet when this exchange happened between me and my niece:

“Aunt Helen!”

“I’m pooping!”

“Okay, I’m coming!” proceeds to walk into bathroom

It doesn’t help that there’s no lock on the door so this happens often.

Peppapignightmare · 2 points · Posted at 17:12:33 on January 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

No, I didn't quit, but I avoided him a while though. Now I can even see the fun in it, to a certain degree. Kids have no boundaries when it comes to privacy, and being around them for a while tends to make you lose some of them yourself. I love how your niece has such a logical mind; if you can't come to her it makes sense for her to get to you instead.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 10:05:52 on January 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

Oh that’s good then, it’s always better if you can see the funny side I think.

Yea, I get that, my nephew peed on my foot once and I was just kinda like “you peed on my foot” and went on with my day.

Yea she’s a bit too clever for her own good, she comes out with the funniest things. Just yesterday she learned “fuck” and walked in with her mum going “mummy. Fuck. Fuck, mummy. Fuck.” And immediately I was like well she didn’t learn that from me haha

Mr1Percenter · 2 points · Posted at 16:56:23 on January 6, 2019 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy the movie sir" Me-"You too"

softerthansilence · 2 points · Posted at 01:54:59 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

I had an early shift at work one morning and for some reason I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. This became immediately apparent when I stumbled into the bathroom, eyes half closed, autopilot activated. Seeing as I didn't have a lot of time, I undressed for my shower, got in and turned the water onto my preferred early morning, scalding temperature. Only when the water start hitting me did I realize that I never took off my bra. Cue me waking up quickly, yanking my bra off of my body and chucking it outside of the shower with absolutely zero grace. I still think about it whenever I weat that bra

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:55 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

Happened to me once but embarrassed to say, it was not early in the morning. Ah, fond bra memories.

theGreatRedneck · 2 points · Posted at 08:22:15 on January 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

Drove 6 hours East to Lethbridge to visit my girlfriend at University. A few days later around 11 PM I left, taking the first on-ramp back onto the highway and driving home.

Was confused a couple hours later when the highway I was supposed to follow seemed to end. After looping around for awhile I noticed a sign saying Medicine hat.. I had continued East. It's a damn good thing the highway ended there, could of ended up somewhere in Saskatchewan if not! Was early morning by the time I was home in B.C.

feebeefoh · 2 points · Posted at 23:42:07 on January 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

was leaving a coffee shop when i pushed on a pull door and then muttered "ope, sorry" TO THE DOOR

people saw it and i haven't shown my face since

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 07:10:20 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

Honestly, this 100% sounds like something I would do. You’re not alone.

feebeefoh · 2 points · Posted at 16:20:31 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

Thank you, I’ve been mulling over it since and can’t seem to let it go haha

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 17:02:23 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

I quite often forget the window is open when I’m talking to my cat. For example, the other week I was walking about the house and just shouted “I need a pooooop! Ohp windows open” I hope my neighbours didn’t hear lmao

feebeefoh · 2 points · Posted at 17:13:41 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

Omg you sound like me. we could be roommates.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 17:16:00 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

Haha definitely! I have a spare room if you’re looking, you near Scotland?

feebeefoh · 2 points · Posted at 18:19:34 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

haha i'm only about 4,000 miles away. sounds reasonable!

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 2 points · Posted at 18:47:57 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

Ah, you can commute t work, it won’t take long

GlenH88 · 2 points · Posted at 13:46:24 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

I regularly mess around online on GTA V, usually abusing Lester at every opportunity. Me and my friends got to one of the latter heists / missions and we came upon Lester. Auto Pilot kicked in and I run him over and got out the baseball bat. Mission Failed, but we'd been going for the achievement without failing....

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 14:34:17 on January 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

That’s fucking hilarious tbh

Peakaayy · 2 points · Posted at 01:47:59 on January 10, 2019 · (Permalink)

Tried looking up reddit on the youtube search bar and got frustrated that I was getting redirected to youtube instead

redfox35 · 2 points · Posted at 11:08:08 on January 10, 2019 · (Permalink)

One time when I was at Mcdonalds I got a drink so I went over to the drink station to fill it up. I then went to get a straw and proceeded to take off the wrapper, and then throw the straw into the garbage. 3 times.

juicysox · 2 points · Posted at 05:29:07 on January 11, 2019 · (Permalink)*

this happened to my dad.

He came back from an appointment or something, got into his car, and sat there struggling to start the engine, only to realize that he was actually in someone else's car that looked exactly like his. He never locks his car doors and coincidently, this stranger didn't lock theirs either, it was the exact same car as his so he assumed that it was his

Squeakwhenyoubangit · 2 points · Posted at 00:31:15 on January 13, 2019 · (Permalink)

Walking outside with a colleague on our lunch break and I put my rubbish in a bin. My colleague stared at me with a horrified expression and said ‘what are you doing?’ Then my brain kicked in and I realised I had posted my rubbish in a letter box.

ellenayla · 2 points · Posted at 03:14:19 on January 13, 2019 · (Permalink)

I sometimes blow on my spoon when I’m eating ice cream as if I’m eating soup. I realise my mistake and then do it like 3 times after that.

Rocket_Poop · 2 points · Posted at 22:10:16 on January 13, 2019 · (Permalink)*

I was driving and for some reason I stopped at a green light. Funny thing is, another guy also pulled up next to me and looked confused.

Also I mistook another car for my own, and when my keys couldn't fit, I started kicking the tires. I then realized it wasn't my car when the owner, laughing, walked up to it.

I woke up once at 5pm thinking it was 5am and tried going back to sleep. Still annoyed that I overslept that long...

I was ordering at mcdonalds during lunch ordering in a deadpan tone when I saw they were serving hash browns all day. I suddenly broke out of my deadpan voice and loudly and excitedly blurted out, "ooh, and hashbrowns!" when I meant to say that part in my head. The girl in the drive thru held back a giggle.

hammerdog62 · 2 points · Posted at 19:22:11 on January 20, 2019 · (Permalink)

Slapped my Mother in Law on the ass. She said she had seen me do it hundreds of time to here daughter so don't worry about it.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 17:57:41 on January 21, 2019 · (Permalink)

Oh my god I’m worried about doing this now. I do it to my partner and my friends when they bend over and it’s just become a reflex whenever someone bends over. I often have to stop myself.

dontinterruptrude · 2 points · Posted at 04:08:03 on January 29, 2019 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I put the headphone jack in my ear instead of the earbud.

ratatoing-it-up · 2 points · Posted at 05:17:23 on January 29, 2019 · (Permalink)

Not me, but one time my little brother woke up late at night and got up to use the bathroom. Unfortunately he failed to realize a corner in the living room was not the toilet...

bedstag · 2 points · Posted at 15:53:13 on February 1, 2019 · (Permalink)

I drove to a job that I left 6 months ago. When I called my current job to explain, they allowed me to take the day off as annual leave. When I got home, I found the coffee in the fridge, and the milk between the tea and sugar pots, although I regularly put coffee in the fridge when on auto pilot.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · 1 points · Posted at 14:10:13 on February 2, 2019 · (Permalink)

I feel you, I‘m always trying to put the butter in the plate cupboard.

Zer0_- · 2 points · Posted at 16:37:58 on February 9, 2019 · (Permalink)

Once pointed my car keys at the door to my house whilst pushing the unlock button.

SlumslugSunday · 2 points · Posted at 07:55:04 on February 15, 2019 · (Permalink)

Worked as a restaurant manager. This kid dropped his toast on the floor and I just picked it up an put it back on his plate. Five steps later I realized what I did and turned around to see the whole family stare at me. Not a fun situation.

kambingg · 2 points · Posted at 17:54:46 on February 19, 2019 · (Permalink)

Work starts at 5:40am. I was called to work on my day off. I clocked out at 12noon, went home, took a nap at around 1pm, woke up at around 5:25pm. I thought I was late for work so i quickly changed and dashed through the door and hailed a ride. I thought it was weird that a lot of people are already on the streets that early. I looked at my phone and realized time says PM, not AM. So i just went to McDonald's to have my dinner.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:46:48 on March 5, 2019 · (Permalink)

While reading through the comments on here, I just ate a yogurt and threw both the yogurt container and my spoon into the sink lol

leajeffro · 2 points · Posted at 23:29:38 on March 6, 2019 · (Permalink)

Home from stressful day in work made myself a drink, went into my room and threw the drink on my bed instead of my phone

MrBadVibesz · 2 points · Posted at 19:46:40 on March 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

This happend like 4 years ago during summer I was going to bed at like 4am so from how sleepy I was I did some stupid shit and woke up with me using a shirt as shorts lol.

Luminous_Lilypad · 2 points · Posted at 11:51:06 on March 17, 2019 · (Permalink)

There was a time when I had a routine of getting out of the bus, walking over to a bakery, get a chocolate croissant and walk the rest to my school. I was always deep in thought and most of the time I would pay for the croissant, but forget to put it in my backpack. The saleswomen of the bakery were so confused

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 01:27:58 on March 19, 2019 · (Permalink)

After wiping with toilet paper, putting the whole roll in the toilet with the used in the other hand

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:53:17 on March 22, 2019 · (Permalink)

Both of the people in this story were on autopilot

One time when I was around 10 I was with my babysitter and wanted to tell her about something in the bathroom (nothing gross just a crack in the mirror). She starts walking to the bathroom so I follow her to point it out. As soon as she got into the bathroom she pulled down her pants to use it and I walked in around the time that happened. I immediately turned around and she started laughing. It was embarrassing for both of us.

I_aM-yOUr-mOM · 2 points · Posted at 03:18:43 on April 22, 2019 · (Permalink)

Actaully happened earlier in the car. My mom was talking about how she needed a nose job, and I noticed my hands were green(this was just after softball practice, so it was probably grass) i told my mom about it she said jokingly that there was probably somthing wrong and that I was gonna did. I then (since we were talking about nose jobs,) said "I think I might need a hand Job" 😑I'm a female😑

Everyone pretended they didnt hear it, but I could tell by everyone's faces that they were holding back laughter. I was bright red, man.....

HornedSerpent69 · 2 points · Posted at 04:19:02 on May 11, 2019 · (Permalink)

Once my Grandma was calling someone. She said: "Oh yeah, I'm about to leave, just have to find my phone."

JDMskater04 · 2 points · Posted at 12:41:08 on May 11, 2019 · (Permalink)

I was helping my dad install a handrail and out of habit I grabbed the unsecured handrail as I was going up the stairs

N26_real · 2 points · Posted at 12:37:04 on May 13, 2019 · (Permalink)

One time I poured up soda into a glass, started drinking out of the bottle and almost put my glass into the fridge before I understood what I was doing

toffeejunkie · 2 points · Posted at 20:57:17 on May 29, 2019 · (Permalink)

I was on the receiving end of someone's auto pilot...

I went to Taco Bell and ordered a drink. When I got to the window, the woman handed me my drink, a straw, some napkins, and said, "do you want some sauce with that?" I looked at her in blank confusion for a moment, she stared back waiting for my response. Finally I say, "with my drink?" She smiled, turned bright red and said, "it's late" and closed the window. It was 9:30 am.

TheTylerB · 3 points · Posted at 05:53:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cute waitress walks up with a fajita plate and says "careful, it's super hot" to which I replied "you're super hot" without realizing it till after she walked away and my friends started laughing at me

Total_DestructiOoon · 2 points · Posted at 18:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Smooth as granite

masterbaterpotater · 2 points · Posted at 01:22:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once my second period class was in the computer lab so I took to same root to get there that I take to my 4th period, so I went on autopilot and walked into my 4th period classroom and sat down in my seat the the teacher asked why I was in there and I realized my mistake and rushed to the computer lab, my teacher never let me forget that

onabias · 2 points · Posted at 06:26:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work as a cashier/barista. I would say my greeting “Hi how are you?” And “Thank you have a great day” so many times that when it got really busy I would mix up the two. So as I was finishing up with a customer I would accidentally say “Hi how are you?” So embarrassing 🤦🏻‍♀️ That’s how I would know I needed a break.

SelfConfessedCreep · 3 points · Posted at 08:20:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ohhh I used to be a cashier and I did similar things!

Once a customer handed me the money and instead of 'Thanks' I sad 'Hiya'

Riddle_please · 2 points · Posted at 09:21:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was with an old boss that had a coffee in one hand his phone in the other. Threw the coffee in his own face when his phone rang.

[deleted] · -3 points · Posted at 00:32:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[removed]

[deleted] · 7 points · Posted at 02:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes 911, yep this is him.

Dr_Monkee · 2 points · Posted at 04:15:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This deserves more credit

Kuniiii · 0 points · Posted at 01:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

delete this

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 03:37:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You delete it

daencmiems · 1 points · Posted at 09:11:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What he say

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 04:42:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

frontbum1976 · 0 points · Posted at 05:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My father (AIDS!)

My sister (AIDS!)

My uncle and my cousin and her best friend (AIDS AIDS AIDS!)

The gays and the straights

And the white and the spades

King_Barrion · 1 points · Posted at 03:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

too soon

Eoooiny · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is dis Bush?

TheOriginalZywinzi · 1 points · Posted at 22:25:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't actually do it but almost stuck a Q-tip up my nose.

Tim-E-Cop1211819 · 1 points · Posted at 22:34:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep responding to questions or demands with roger" or "wilco"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 22:35:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'd just finished checking in my hold luggage at the airport. The desk stewardess says "Thanks Mr. CableDolt, enjoy your flight!". I smile and say "Thanks, you too!" as I walk towards security before facepalming.

Almost every time I go to the cinema and I'm buying popcorn before I head in the cashier will say "Enjoy your film!" to which my natural response is "Thanks, you too!".

These are the thoughts that keep me up in the night, cringing.

RaggySparra · 2 points · Posted at 00:14:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If your first response on autopilot is to be polite to strangers and wish them well, there's definitely worse things you could be doing.

jj143 · 1 points · Posted at 22:46:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I on more than one occasion have called one of my best guy friends "babe" when talking to him in person and texting my husband at the same time. That's what I get for multitasking.

[deleted] · 3 points · Posted at 22:58:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my wife by my ex wife’s name ONCE. And only once....and I still get reminded 12 years later...

AnnaVronsky · 3 points · Posted at 01:24:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband and my ex have names ONE letter apart, he got called the wrong name a few tines :/

Nomoreaccess · 1 points · Posted at 22:58:39 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried opening my front door with my car's keyless entry remote

Raiinish · 1 points · Posted at 22:59:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked a guy if he wanted any concessions when I handed him back his credit card after he purchased his movie tickets and food.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:00:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured ketchup into my soda cup once

RedButterfree1 · 1 points · Posted at 23:01:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice into my cereal

damiansouthpaw · 1 points · Posted at 23:01:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lived with my mom and step-dad for years. The trashcan was kept in the kitchen pantry and any time I'd go over to someone's house, I'd try to throw stuff away in a non existent bin in a non existent closet.

AmbulanceChaser12 · 1 points · Posted at 23:02:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a little kid, maybe 5-6, I woke up and walked down to the bathroom where my mom was brushing her teeth.

I had to pee, and being a little kid, I had no shame. I opened up the toilet lid and started peeing.

Only it wasn’t the toilet, it was the hamper.

TheMarciman · 1 points · Posted at 23:02:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put Coca Cola into a Nutella jar thinking it was my cup. Only stopped when I thought I filled it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:02:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throw clothes in the trash when I meant to throw them in the laundry basket

sully545 · 1 points · Posted at 23:03:34 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once opened two packs of sugar at Starbucks to put into my coffee and then promptly threw them both in the garbage before emptying their contents.

I must have looked extremely wasteful.

Waiting4The3nd · 1 points · Posted at 23:04:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven 8 miles. Luckily it was back roads. I think I stopped at stop signs and everything like I was supposed to. /Shrug

Flamestorm202 · 1 points · Posted at 23:06:14 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost every time I'm at a restaurant and the waiter says, "enjoy!" I reply, "Thanks, you too!" and then just silently question my sanity.

kayveep · 1 points · Posted at 23:09:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Use my garage remote when I get to the parking lot at work.

smackperfect · 1 points · Posted at 23:10:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured my coffee into my cereal instead of my mug. Luckily caught myself 1/4 of the way through and had coffee flavored cereal for breakfast that day.

Rustlingleaves1 · 1 points · Posted at 23:12:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice into a tin of Nesquik. Had to chuck it out afterwards.

Taurus3301 · 1 points · Posted at 23:12:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the toilet pulled my pants up after I was done, but forgot to do both the zip and the button, so there was nothing to keep it from falling. Then proceeded to get on a bus. Didn't realize I was so close to having a disaster because a combination of a half done belt being caught on the lining of a large jacket kept my pants up for the trip. Only realized why my pants were feeling especially loose after climbing two sets of stairs at the destination.

Papa_Tugboat · 1 points · Posted at 23:12:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Infront of my little brother I just walked up to my kitchen bin well chatting with him and got my dick out and started pissing in it. As soon as I heard my piss hit the bin bag I was like "HEY WTF!" and my bro was like "WTF?!". I still don't understand why. I wasn't even drunk that time.

rham17 · 1 points · Posted at 23:13:37 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sprayed disinfectant in my mouth reaching for a glass of water. Twice. Sleep autopilot is weird

Quixotic9000 · 1 points · Posted at 23:13:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I answer my personal cell phone with my "office" phone greeting.

FortniteBoi97 · 1 points · Posted at 23:15:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s sad how many times I’ve lost my phone and found it in the fridge/freezer/pantry.

kashfloww · 1 points · Posted at 23:15:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol just happened a few days ago. Had some friends over drinking and I didn’t feel like cleaning after they left and passed out. Woke up and started cleaning. Grabbed four beer bottles with some beer left in them(one was half full). Then proceeded to pour them out in the trash can and then tossed them in the sink.

acatherinee · 1 points · Posted at 23:20:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

i had been working drive thru all day, but they needed another person at the front register, so i came over. As I was cashing the person out (who already had their food in hand) “here’s your receipt. you’re food will be out shortly”

Alex0_0 · 1 points · Posted at 23:21:20 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put two eggs into my rucksack, instead of in my lunchbox. Zipped my bag up, put it on and I hear the eggs crack open. Safe to say I was late to work that day.

sp0rdy666 · 1 points · Posted at 23:23:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Responding with “you too“ when someone who works at the airport wishes you a good flight.

kabea26 · 1 points · Posted at 23:23:58 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in the aquatics department of the local park district. In the summer, most of my work is outdoors, but in the winter we exclusively use the indoor pool. Once, on a 45-degree-Fahrenheit October morning, I was on my way to a shift and I drove to the outdoor pool, which had been closed for six weeks already. Whoops.

ccallahans · 1 points · Posted at 23:24:04 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher Mom

AnnaVronsky · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I regularly called my kindergarten teacher grandma

-1KingKRool- · 1 points · Posted at 23:24:42 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work around 6-7 AM. Woke up at 2 in the morning one time, thought, “I’m late for work!” and made it halfway there before I realized what time it really was.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:26:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Sonic Drive-In as a teenager, as a carhop. My go-to machine answer was "welcome to Sonic my name is middaydragon how can I help you?"

Well, one time my dad called me as I was getting dressed for work and guess what I said....

Mikeyd1997 · 1 points · Posted at 23:27:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve thrown my laundry in the trash instead of the basket before.

stiffjoint · 1 points · Posted at 23:28:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have melted enough ice cream by putting it back in the refrigerator instead of the freezer that it would make Ben and/or Jerry weep.

RequiredSoap · 1 points · Posted at 23:28:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finished 4 games of solitaire and 7 rounds if minesweeper

puzzelel · 1 points · Posted at 23:29:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered the house phone, 'Hello McDonald's'.

I worked as a manager at the time.

Biches17 · 1 points · Posted at 23:30:04 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in band class, really had too pee, runs to bathroom, slams stall door, doesn’t look at toilet, falls in toilet, misses half of band class cleaning up, smells bad

lukec77 · 1 points · Posted at 23:30:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up, dreaded the day, sat on my phone for an hour, went to work, came home, ate food, went to sleep. Woke up...

Graupl · 1 points · Posted at 23:31:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I travel back and forth a lot due to many longer breaks at my school and therefor I am able to spend some time between these at home to quickly eat my dinner. I can think of multiple times I drank sauce because apparently when I drift of into my thoughts I mistake ketchup for the water bottle and pour it into my glass

Hysterymystery · 1 points · Posted at 23:32:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I regularly thank the self checkout and tell it to have a nice day.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:32:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Screw up phone calls. Told my boss "Love you" getting off a phone call. Back in the day when I worked at a call center I would tell people, "Thanks for calling TiVo" before hanging up.

shugerbooger · 1 points · Posted at 23:33:55 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dozed off for a few minutes. Denver Center’s repeated attempts to contact me finally roused me.

gingerninja005 · 1 points · Posted at 23:34:11 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

On wednesday night I got home from a late indoor soccer game, like walked in the door around 11:30pm. My gf was on call at her veterinary hospital overnight so she had just woken up around 11 and was wide awake wanting to talk and share stories as our waking/sleeping/work schedules dont line up much. So she starts talking about her friends and work and catching me up on stuff, I'm trying to get ready for bed so I'm shedding soccer gear and preparing the shower while we talk. I'm down to my shorts and grab a Gatorade I had taken to my game, finished it and went to throw it in the trash and when I look down I see my soccer socks and shin guard sleeves in the trash can. I had absentmindedly thrown them in the trash instead of the washer and my gf was so busy with her story she watched me do it and said nothing haha.

ProperQuibble · 1 points · Posted at 23:34:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to scratch my nose through a motorbike visor

princesscorncob · 1 points · Posted at 23:35:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have asked my spouse if he needed to use the potty.

We roll with it.

eggraisin04 · 1 points · Posted at 23:35:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost pissed in the kitchen trash can

bonesdidnothingwrong · 1 points · Posted at 23:35:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the washroom opened the toilet and threw my dirty clothes in it

Brucechi42 · 1 points · Posted at 23:36:52 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be an ice guy that would clear excess snow off the ice when I was younger I also played hockey around this time so when I went to put my skates on before I went on the ice at my job I dropped my pants and was “exposed” beside the ice

ninguen · 1 points · Posted at 23:37:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open the house door pressing a button on my car keys and was frustrated that it didn't open.

Searched for my glasses while wearing them...

zedsawaken · 1 points · Posted at 23:37:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the ice cube tray in the pantry, milk in the glass cupboard, etc

boney_e · 1 points · Posted at 23:37:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

tried to open the front door with the key fob to my car. I got so mad it didn't work then I realized what I had done.

Flipwon · 1 points · Posted at 23:37:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just went to school on Monday, about an hour on the bus. Wrote my final last Friday.

iguactheline · 1 points · Posted at 23:37:49 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work we have a giant trash container behind a metal gate we need a key to open. One day, I walked up to the gate and it was already open. I had the key in one hand and the trash back in the other. I threw the key in the trash and walked away with the trash bag in my hand.

Happyfeet_I · 1 points · Posted at 23:38:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured milk into an empty bowl then cereal

lolkdrgmailcom · 1 points · Posted at 23:38:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spend 6 minutes looking for the tv remote one morning...when it was in my hand all along.

christejen · 1 points · Posted at 23:40:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My autopilot self is terrible for losing things... keys especially

stop_calling_me_Dan · 1 points · Posted at 23:40:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pissed in a waste paper hand towel bin at work... It was next to the urinal and it had been a looooong day at the end of a looooong week. Was thinking about the best way to get my work done so I could go home and just started pissing in the bin. Caught myself after about 5-10 seconds and hastily took a step sideways to finish in the urinal next to me. Thank fuck no one walked into the toilets while I was doing this (no privacy dividers around urinals)

lolkdrgmailcom · 1 points · Posted at 23:40:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Try to act fancy and put my pinky finger in the air whilst sipping on a glass of water, while simultaneously using a straw inside the glass. Water spilled all over me.

chineasy_rider · 1 points · Posted at 23:41:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I pull up an incognito tab, my fingers automatically type in "pornhub"

DepressedMong · 1 points · Posted at 23:41:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to college and hour and a half early because I thought I had woken up at my usual time when I'd really woken up an hour and a half later.

I only realised when I got off the bus and stopped at kfc to get myself a quick lunch and checked my phone and realised the time, and I only had enough bus fair for one journey so I just slowly ate my lunch and then wondered around the surrounding area and shops for an hour and a half.

GetRiceCrispy · 1 points · Posted at 23:41:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

"thanks love you"

-me leaving a 8am one on one with my boss.

rama_13 · 1 points · Posted at 23:42:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was just about to pee in the kitchen bin, my hole family was around. Thankfully I stopped myself before taking "it" out

Crunchy_Biscuit · 1 points · Posted at 23:43:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used hemorrhoid cream instead,of,toothpaste.

ITSTHEDEVELOPMENT · 1 points · Posted at 23:43:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to see my nephew when he had been born, I had never really interacted with a baby before, but I had plenty experience with pets... I rubbed his head and chin like a dog and said who’s a good boy in front of my family. Got some quite strange looks before I realised what I was doing.

disturbed_socialist · 1 points · Posted at 23:44:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking home. Stopped at a crosswalk and waited for a car to stop. There were no cars, and I was standing there waiting. I think I was 10.

karnyboy · 1 points · Posted at 23:44:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I see a green light and I come to a complete stop at this one intersection in town because it's ALWAYS red at 4am.

ctrlyourmind · 1 points · Posted at 23:44:31 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I work at an inbound call center where we pretty much take nonstop calls. Often times, we have to also make outbound calls, so I'd always start with Hi this is ctrlyourmind with COMPANY, and then continue. Well one lunch break , I go to a drive thru and pull up to the speak. She was like, welcome to Burger King, how can I help you? AND FOR SOME REASON my brain responds with, HI this is ctrlyourmind from COMPANY and UHHHHHHHHH. I had never been so embarrassed; I just pulled off and went somewhere else lol

Potbelly-Piggy · 1 points · Posted at 23:44:54 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went outside to take my dog to the park but forgot him and just went to the park by myself for some reason.

Fail___Whale · 1 points · Posted at 23:45:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at the front desk for a pool part-time and always say “have a great day/weekend”. I was helping sell leis at a graduation and a man bought one before going into the building. I said “have a great graduation” by reflex and he replied “I’m not graduating though”. It was awkward.

Th3Lorax · 1 points · Posted at 23:45:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to make breakfast before work. Cracked 3 eggs straight into the garbage. Was super confused when I only had shells left in the bowl that I scramble the eggs in.

gayslayer1889 · 1 points · Posted at 23:45:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go take a piss or shit and not only forget to flush but also forget to turn off the lights.

jamiee- · 1 points · Posted at 23:45:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was like 7 I was chatting to my Mum in the kitchen while she was making dinner. I really needed to pee, so on autopilot went to the bin (one with a foot pedal lid), opened it with my foot, whipped it out (am male) and started peeing in the bin. My mum heard the trickling noise and turned around with the WTF look on her face. Then I realised what I was doing, laughed at myself and ran to the toilet to finish up.

It makes me chuckle every time I remember it.

sopranosforpandas · 1 points · Posted at 23:46:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dump garbage in dirty laundry basket and dump dirty laundy into the garbage can

xSTSxZerglingOne · 1 points · Posted at 23:46:13 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for my phone while talking to someone on my phone.

Iloveacupubcture · 1 points · Posted at 23:46:21 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Using my phone. Thought my phone was lost. Looking for my phone.

Krullenbos · 1 points · Posted at 23:46:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

First thing I did for a long time was make breakfast before doing other things. Sure enough I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and made breakfast, only halfway through I checked the time and found out I was up 4 hours too early...

madshortstack420 · 1 points · Posted at 23:47:12 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to use my key faab on my front door. Took several tries before realizing the sound of unlocking was behind me in the driveway. I even tried opening the door after pressing the button. Luckily no one saw but I did a literal forehead slap.

NotWorriedBro · 1 points · Posted at 23:47:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Similar to what others have said, I was at a stop sign but could see the traffic light so I was waiting for the light that was a quarter mile down to turn green at a stop sign.

iwanttoseeyousing · 1 points · Posted at 23:48:03 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got on the subway heading the wrong way and stayed on for TWO stops because that's how many stops I usually take

I've also said "you too" after someone says "see you" (but seriously, how do you respond to that?)

The_Shy_Yeti · 1 points · Posted at 23:48:08 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put shaving cream on my toothbrush after pulling an all-nighter. Only stopped because roommate was there to physically take the brush out of my hand.

Dizzymizzwheezy · 1 points · Posted at 23:48:12 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a problem with my "Talking to my dog"-language (Weird words.)

To sit at a meeting and suddently say "Yayasshhh." in babyvoice. Awkward.

I also have a mom-mode, even though I'm not a mom. Somebody's looking like having a fever? I WILL smack a hand up to their forehead. Even when it's a total stranger. Instant regret.

mjf583 · 1 points · Posted at 23:48:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was putting dishes away from the dishwasher and there was a little bit of water left in a cup so I, not knowing what to do with it, poured the water all over my kitchen floor and kept moving.

evilpuke · 1 points · Posted at 23:48:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought I put the clutch in, put it in neutral, started it up let the clutch out. In reality I put the clutch in, released the parking brake, released the clutch, started the truck, and promptly jumped the curb and hit a wall.

st4yawake · 1 points · Posted at 23:49:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a boba shop and was required to welcome every customer that came in. Once, on my day off I was at a Starbucks waiting for my drink, when a customer walked in I went into autopilot and yelled "HI, WELCOME"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:49:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Toothpaste on my razor

Geno_77 · 1 points · Posted at 23:49:48 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I searched for my pants while they were on

VelvetVonRagner · 1 points · Posted at 23:49:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Telling random customer service people, 'I love you' at the end of a phone conversation.

luckymeireddit · 1 points · Posted at 23:50:23 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)
TomorrowsHeroToday · 1 points · Posted at 23:50:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Female co-worker to me: “good morning, sir.” My reply: “good morning, sir.”

FrankenGretchen · 1 points · Posted at 23:50:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forgot my manners and all at Thanksgiving and blew a ginormous fart in my daughter's kitchen.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:50:35 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at my ex-girlfriend's wedding. When I introduced my fiancé to my just married ex-girlfriend and her husband, I introduced my fiancé using my ex-girlfriend's name.

Matt18002 · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the back to pee

The_Bravoman · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:06 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I joke with around with my GF I end up bumping her shoulder with my hand then going around to give her a side hug while we laugh.

On auto pilot a friend of mine made a joke and made me laugh, I bumped his shoulder then ALMOST put my hand in his shoulder for hug. I stopped myself 1 second before I did it.

Told him a week later and he just laughed hysterically.

KneadedByCats · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:09 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my mouthguard in absentmindedly after brushing my teeth, then rushed off to class. I was halfway there on the bus when I realized I was wearing it in public.

Kaysie · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made a full and complete stop at a prepare to stop sign with a picture of a stop sign on it. There were vehicles behind me.

MrHypnotistCollector · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:19 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a doctor I quite commonly write birthday/Christmas/thank you cards and put my pager number after signing them. Also, when I was a kid my mum threw the contents of her glass of wine in the fire and tipped the full ashtray into her mouth.

kamikazi1231 · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unwrapped a starburst over the trash can and immediately threw the starburst in the trash while holding the paper in my other hand. Maybe I switched my autopilot eating/unwrapping hands somehow? It was the last of my favorite flavred flavor too.

velociraptor112 · 1 points · Posted at 23:51:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to use my car key remote to “unlock” the front door when I get home.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:52:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I woke up at 12:30AM and went through my entire morning routine; I got a shower, dressed, made myself breakfast. I only realized something was off when I turned on the TV and Conan O’Brien was on.

I went back to bed with my next day’s clothes on.

Myfeelingsarehurt · 1 points · Posted at 23:52:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband passed away in July after a long illness and I spent some time in a bit of a fog. I was thinking but it was like half of my brain was always engaged just not in what I was doing at the moment. I was staying with a friend and so nothing was as I expected it to be. I had run out of toothpaste and asked if I could borrow theirs. Sure it’s in the medicine cabinet. I grab it and load up my toothbrush. I think that looks disgusting I’ll make sure to stop somewhere and buy proper toothpaste later. Then I figure out it tastes worse than it looks. It’s awful but I need to brush my teeth. Then it starts to burn a bit. I’m thinking is there something I’m allergic to in this toothpaste? It was tiger balm.

edwsmith · 1 points · Posted at 23:52:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

The exit of one of my uni buildings had two sets of double doors with single doors on either side (think 2 sets of 4 doors, all at the exit airlock style). At the end of a lecture I went through the small side door to avoid the rush, but the next side door was locked, so I walked back through the side door and out of the double doors instead with everyone else.

I could've just gone straight out of the second set of double doors.

Marcodaz · 1 points · Posted at 23:53:25 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Comment overwritten by Power Delete Suite for privacy purpose.

hippiesaurusrex · 1 points · Posted at 23:53:36 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a culinary degree and in culinary school we addressed all of the teachers as "chef". I went back for a healthcare degree afterwards and definitely called a couple of teachers "chef" by accident. Got some strange looks.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:53:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a well known branded store. We'd say goodbye by saying "Have a magical day."

Once I was buying movie tickets and as I was wrapping up the transition said it to an employee. As soon as it came out, all i could do was look at the counter in shame while my boyfriend cackled in the background.

dshakir · 1 points · Posted at 23:53:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter: Enjoy your meal

Me: You too!

Lazyassed-Destroyer · 1 points · Posted at 23:54:07 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the cereal in the fridge and milk on the shelf... ate my bowl of cereal and wanted more to realize what I had done a minute later.

kal5011 · 1 points · Posted at 23:54:18 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me: "Oh, congratulations! When are you due? Is it a boy or girl?"

Her: "I'm...I'm not pregnant."

Me: "-_-....Hey, it was nice seeing you. I've got to get back to playing pool or leaving. Sorry. Bye!"

glableglabes · 1 points · Posted at 23:54:26 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rode my bike somewhere and locked it on a bike rack, then as I was walking away I reached into my pocket, removed my keys (after already using them to lock my ulock and pocketing them), and clicked my keyfab. I even clicked it multiple times waiting for the beep.

SmashMetal · 1 points · Posted at 23:54:45 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ld job was the other side of town to where I lived, so it meant 2 bus journeys. One to the station, and one from the station to work. Sometimes I'd walk one half and bus the other depending on how I felt. I'd also get some breakfast from a shop next to the station in the am, and usually get some bits for the evening before going home.

One day I walk to the station from work, text my wife what she wants from the shop, buy it, then got on the bus back to work and unlocked the shop. It was when I started boiling the kettle for a cuppa that I realised that I wasn't starting work again, but meant to be at home.

skdubbs · 1 points · Posted at 23:54:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in university, I would drive my car to a park n ride and then catch a bus to school. One evening I was supposed to be going to work, not school, but I drove my car to the park n ride and only realized it when there was a lot of available parking spots. That was fun trying to tell my boss I’d be 30 min late because I’m a dumbass.

Alternately, I’ve driven my car to work several times, parked, badged it, and then realized I wasn’t supposed to be there.

Shuckyduckychuckie · 1 points · Posted at 23:54:57 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to insert my debit card into the gas tank instead of the pump.

DimebagSK46 · 1 points · Posted at 23:55:15 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably going to be buried, but my ex and I were at Ihop for our lunch break and I poured coffee creamer into my Dr. Pepper. I immediately realized my mistake.

BRAJLE · 1 points · Posted at 23:55:43 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I squirted liquid soap on my tooth brush. I was wondering why it keeps failing off of the toothbrush so i Just squirted it again and quickly put it in my mouth, after that o realized i was probably doing something wrong.

No-BrowEntertainment · 1 points · Posted at 23:55:44 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was brushing my teeth with the tv turned on downstairs. I heard something interesting on the news, so I came downstairs to watch it. When the story was over, I went back upstairs to spit in the sink. Apparently I wasn’t thinking clearly, and the second I reached the top of the stairs, I spit. About 15 feet from the sink. All over the wood floors.

That was fun to clean up

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:56:28 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom had it where she was getting ready for the day and in the shower she accidentally shaved off part of her eyebrow where for the whole day she was mortified and put mascara over in an attempt to cover up the chunk of hair that was missing.

kissmysarcasm · 1 points · Posted at 23:56:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to throw some wrappers away and just ended up throwing my brand new phone in the trash nonchalantly. Had to double take to realize what I did. What made it worse is I did it at a Christmas party.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:56:59 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spoken to myself REALLY LOUDLY on my walk home, on a busy street, with people all around me.

I was remaking a convo with my crush with small changes and testing how it could have gone better...

MoeSzyslac · 1 points · Posted at 23:57:00 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up and thought my clock said 6:00, so I got up and started showering. My brother opens the door and asks me “what the hell are you doing it’s 10 pm”

hiketheopti · 1 points · Posted at 23:57:40 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a friend peed in a trashcan in his own house

LeadHeadFred · 1 points · Posted at 23:57:41 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

soap on a toothbrush

abcannon18 · 1 points · Posted at 23:57:50 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said I love you to a co-worker before hanging up the phone.

silentknight111 · 1 points · Posted at 23:57:51 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

As anyone who's done much painting has done - I've picked up my paint water and started drinking it instead of my coffee. There's always that "oh shit" realization as you realize it doesn't taste right.

That, and put my paint brush in my coffee.

AlkarlMO · 1 points · Posted at 23:58:01 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made myself a nice sandwich and had it in one hand and some trash in the other. I then proceeded to just through my sandwich in the trash.

king-of-new_york · 1 points · Posted at 23:58:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a cake or something and I kept cracking eggs into the trash and putting shells into the batter.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 23:58:30 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy birthday!" "Thanks, you too..."

peabnuts123 · 1 points · Posted at 23:58:32 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought a celery from the vegetable market and took it home. I like to pre-process my celery into just the primary usable stalks so I washed it, got out the chopping board and the knife and cut it up into pieces, carefully separating the leaves from the stalks. I threw out all the waste (I don’t use the leaves for anything) then wrapped up the stalks in a plastic bag and also threw them into the bin. Cleaned up after myself and went about my day. Didn’t realise until the following day when I needed celery for dinner and found them in the trash.

MargaretaSlayer · 1 points · Posted at 23:59:05 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

getting morninganxiety because i thinks its school when its not hahaha

:/

DatOtherPapaya · 1 points · Posted at 23:59:10 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a green light and just waited. Waited so long it turned red and then green again. Wife was in car. She was just letting it happen. I’m sure questioning some life decisions she’s made.

Dragonlord573 · 1 points · Posted at 23:59:16 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving to college and started heading for work. I get to the intersection to get in the highway and realized I didn't have to work today, and that I never work morning shifts

Coach_real · 1 points · Posted at 23:59:47 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Completely sober pissing in the washing basket. To this day I still have no idea how, or why.

Jerrycobra · 1 points · Posted at 23:59:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

using my keyfob to unlock/lock a friend's car when getting in/out of it.

DocHickory · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive big rig for a living. After spending 6 weeks on the road I jump in my pickup truck to go home. Someone cuts me off in traffic, so I reach up to pull the air horn cord. The pickup horn is in the center of the steering wheel. At this point I shook my head and muttered "I been on the road too damn long."

thismayseemodd · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a co-worker. 30 years ago we were working in a grocery store; he was a bag boy. He takes a lady's groceries to her car, loads them in the trunk, and then says, "Okay, bye. Love ya." He's now a respected physician. I still crack up about it to this day!

Mariosothercap · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a hospital. I knock every time I am about to enter a room to let the patient know I am coming in. I now knock on the door of public restrooms, buildings I am going into, even walking into my own bedroom/bathroom, in my own house, when i know I am the only one there. It is just automatic for me to rap my knuckles on the door curtly as I am opening one.

socaTsocaTsocaT · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove half way to the jobsite from the previous week more than once.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not embarrassing but once in grade 5 , a bully threw a taped heavy ball at me with full power and straight at my face. I was eating a burger at that time and didn’t see it but my hand just went up caught the ball. I was surprised but kept my cool. The whole class went silent and I was never bullied again. I went on to tell everyone that i know mma. They all believed me and all was well.

SinusMonstrum · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have on multiple occasions gone the rubbish bin go no.1 and the toilet to dispose of small litter.

But I have always stopped myself before it gets too far.

Goodgardo · 1 points · Posted at 00:00:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going to go with this

DeedlesTheMoose · 1 points · Posted at 00:01:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg into the garbage instead of a bowl. On several occasions.

RochelleH · 1 points · Posted at 00:01:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often try and open my garage door with my mobile phone, and then open my front door with the car remote.

20yrstoomany · 1 points · Posted at 00:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a taxi to my girlfriend’s house after a night out. Too drunk to get key in the slot to open the door, knocked and she answered the door. We broke up weeks before.

birdorinho · 1 points · Posted at 00:01:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was the last person to get into a really packed elevator a while back. I was standing right in front of the door and when we had to get out i obviously was the first one to go. Before i step out of the elevator I loudly say “thank you!” out to everyone else, nodding while saying it.

harlan19 · 1 points · Posted at 00:02:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Movie person said enjoy the movie and I said you to then stuttered and walked away

PilotWannabeguy · 1 points · Posted at 00:02:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I turned the speed knob down instead of the heading knob... Caught it before long though!

sublimejunkystp · 1 points · Posted at 00:02:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ever lose your keys? How about in the freezer...? With some ice (water by the time you're late for work scrambling to find your keys) on the table by where the keys belong...that took me a while to locate.

helpyobrothaout · 1 points · Posted at 00:02:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everytime I put contacts in, I still adjust my "glasses" on autopilot.

amorbidmind · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was really high making popcorn.. put my debit pin into the microwave.. 20mins later and smelt burnt popcorn.. and laughed

BashfulBastian · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at chipotle while pregnant. Pregnant brain made me extra stupid. While scooping avacados I was scooping the actual avacado into the garbage and putting the skins in the bowl.

Probably did that for at least half a batch before someone saw me and freaked out...

ComedyDude · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The last ten years of my life...

eolmana · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was holding my earphones in one hand and eating gummy bears with the other hand. I decided to put in my earphones and instead raised a gummy bear to my ear.

Squirrelnight · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the bathroom at home. After taking a dump I walk over to the sink and take a bite out of the bar of soap.

Instant regrets...

TNT31203 · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My school requires you to wear dress shoes and one day I put on one dress shoe and apparently my brain decided that's good enough cause I got to school and realized I had on one dress shoe and one tennis shoe

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:03:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My uncle once left my car to visit a store and grabbed something. Came back , opened the door of the car next to mine, sat in the front seat next to driver and turned to see the lady and other people inside the car looking at him smiling. He got out and sat in my car and we left, while he pretended nothing happened.

sleepysongbirds · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, wearing my lanyard with my keys on it makes me try to unlock everything. Talking to someone as I approach a door? Hit the unlock button twenty times on my keyfob. Or even if I'm just thinking about something else. Front door of the house, school locker, doors of rooms I have to clean at work... spoiler alert, none of them ever open!

jmc200 · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in an airport departure lounge, and needed a snack. Soon I had in my hands a Diet Coke, and a packet of Mentos. Hey, these things famously combine, I thought. Oops.

redly_dead · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Simone once told me have a happy birthday and just said you 2. Yeah life is fun

sarahcarrasco · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spit my gum out on the carpet.

chabrah19 · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Missed a freeway on-ramp 4 times! Got it on the 5th though.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Because Creation

Raccia · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got dressed and grabbed what I thought was something I needed and stuffed it into my pocket on my way out of my house. Get into my car and start driving. Feel something odd in my pocket. Reach in and pull out and opened tube of toothpaste.

Angelicpigscanfly · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When leaving the classroom I told the professer "I love you" instead of goodbye

rodyractive · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the movies. The person at the ticket booth says “Enjoy your movie”, I reply “Thanks, you too”.

An_Oatmeal_Vendor · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Continually walked into the wrong room in my house and forgot what I was doing each time I did it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:04:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying the word "brown" out loud after seeing a former gf's dirty underwear on the floor...

creedthot · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i tried to unlock my apartment door with my car key fob, getting increasingly more irritated when I did not hear the unlock sound no matter how hard I hit the unlock button

Emcatwood · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I punch in twice at work when I try to just sign into my computer 🙄

iagox86 · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Spare change sir?" "No thanks"

S-WordoftheMorning · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk into the cabinet and the cereal box in the refrigerator.
Also, another time I grabbed the large serving spoon to eat my cereal and didn’t even notice until I put it in the spoon in the drain board next to the other normal sized spoons.

liuetiri · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my brother in a huge store while I was texting on my phone, I look up to see him coming towards me, and as I am coming colser to him I see him coming closer. Then I realised that's me in the mirror lol.

NIMQUAD · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up early for work. Be proactive and make a cuppa tea and cereals. Poured the boiling water into my cereals... Thankfully realised what happened before I took a spoonful!

HamburgerJames · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured egg whites in my coffee and then tried to scramble half-and-half.

samimccann5 · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking to a new colleague and taking a drink without looking. Forgot I had a straw, straw went straight up my nose.

Keplergamer · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mother put her purse on the refrigerator.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When people walk by and say “how you doing?” I respond with “you too”.

pastelpinknblue · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend was standing next to the open fridge door, I was next to his dog’s crate which was open as we just put the dog to bed. I SLAMMED the door of the crate while I was looking at the fridge door as if i was closing the fridge and bf was like what the hell

harrypottersglasses · 1 points · Posted at 00:05:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pumped gas with my car still running

treemanman · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting keys/wallet/phone into the fridge or freezer.

Good times

dell_55 · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In highschool I got on the freeway going the direction of school. I was supposed to be going the other way to work.

This was in Hawaii. My bonehead move got me stuck in traffic for 2 hours vs the 20 min it should have. Hawaii traffic is TERRIBLE.

irJamzz · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Manager let me leave a few hours early, went on the opposite direction freeway and didn’t notice till it ended and I hit the ocean 1.5 hours later. Ended up getting home at around the same time if I hadn’t left early

Phunkydischarge · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this one time when i was like 11 my brother made this bomb ass pudding that i managed to snag the last bowl of after dinner. so i go get some raspberry soda and a glass, however instead of puring the soda into the glass i just filled the bowl the rest of the way with the soda and ruined my pudding victory...

XC_Griff · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in like 2nd grade there was this new kid, lets call him Donny. Donny would throw massive tantrums and swear at the teacher and other students when he didn’t get his way. One time he just left and no one could find him for like an hour. He had to publicly apologize to our whole class.

So fast forward to about half-way through the year and I (being a dumb little second grader) didn’t like him too much. So idk who i thought i was talking too but i said “Man, I don’t really like that Donny kid” and I looked right next to me and there he was. I tried playing it off as a joke but he just gave me a dirty look and kept walking to his backpack and coat. We’re actually pretty good friends now, we go to the same college and have gotten drunk together twice.

Ginger_Prick · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a green light more times than I care to admit.

TeaBone17 · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Palmed someone's fist when they tried to fist bump me.

h4b1t · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Riding in my work truck, engrossed in my audio book. Stopped at a stop SIGN and waited for it to turn green. It never did. There were too many looks until I realized.

Hadeny · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg that was meant for a bowl, said contents went straight to the garbage bin!

kapu01 · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was traveling with coworks, and a female coworker said" my pants are falling off" and I replied that okay. Everyone gave me the stink eye.

Demal137 · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my family mechanic called our home phone to update us on our car. We weren’t home so he left a message and at the end he said “love you...wait no I don’t! Bye”.

vacillating-oracle · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I'm making a tea or coffee on autopilot, I'll sometimes go to put the kettle back in the fridge (instead of the milk) or put the milk in the pantry (instead of tea or coffee).

I've never done it in front of people with them noticing (or at least commenting) but it's embarrassing AF :S

snobbishFriend · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As most people would do, I normal wake up once a night to go to the bathroom and grab a drink of water. When I was a kid I woke up one night and grabbed a drink of water, but in my semi sleep delusional state decided that the bin was the perfect place for my nightly piss and then went back to bed as if nothing happened with my dad looking on absolutely dumbfounded

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got into the shower with my socks on.

Prophet92 · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time during finals week I was so tired I tried to unlock my apartment door with the unlock button on my car keys. My roommate who was walking back with me still hasn’t let me live that down.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Squirted hand sanitizer onto my toothbrush, and proceeded to brush my teeth with it.

Temassi · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a coworker I loved him when I was hanging up the phone. I had just started telling my first girlfriend that and we talked all the time.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Farted loudly at the grocery store :(

bumblzee · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said I love you to my boss at the end of a conference call

SmokeyLorraine · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While driving, I saw a bee on my driver's side window. Immediately locked the door in a panic.

shell1212 · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this happened today. I stood in a long line, finishing up some errands before the weekend, but still had a couple of stores I needed to get to before I had to go to work(so I was in hurry). The cashier gave me the amount which was under 20.00, I took the 20.00 bill and tried to put it through the debt card slot. Not once but several times until the cashier said "Ma'am that machine is used for cards" WOW How embarrassing, there was only about 15 people behind me and staring right at me.

Second thing today, I was at the tag agency getting my new tag, wrote a check for said tag but paid it with cash. Didn't realize what I did until I was in my car ready to leave. I wonder what the girl thought when she watched me write out a check and then paid her with cash. Another How embarrassing moment. I left for work immediately even if I was early I was completely DONE.

NeighborhoodShrink · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was 13 on a church trip getting in a hot tub with friends. Had been using an oversized tank top as a coverup. On autopilot didn’t realize that I had already taken it off. Took off swimsuit instead. Didn’t notice until adult yelled my name. I never recovered. Oh I’m a girl. Showing your 13yo bewbs is mortifying.

Haggler_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making a carbonara and wanted to get some egg yolks, proceeded to crack an egg right into the sink in what appeared to be a total brainfart

istarxh · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Past 3 years

mostlikelyatwork · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was the early days of "push pop" and I was an elementary aged child. I cranked out a significant amount of blistex and then put it in my mouth. My lips were still chapped and that was gross.

3stargins · 1 points · Posted at 00:07:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was home alone and something was burning in the kitchen. I lifted up a lid and the saucepan lit on fire a second afterwards. Without thinking, I slowly and calmly walked to the cupboard, grabbed a large mug, filled it with tap water and poured it over the fire to put it out.

After another few seconds I started panicking because oh god there was a fire in my house it could have burned the whole place down

dippyhippygirl · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered the phone at home after a long shift at work with the work phone greeting.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a customer I Love you before I hang up. Was working in a "intimate boutique" at the time

FiskIsPyle · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Responding to texts immediately upon waking up. I formulate my thoughts correctly and then somewhere between my brain and my fingers, I’ll either misspell something trivial or go so far as to confuse two words

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There we were. Somewhere over Memphis. I go to tell my captain a joke. Autopilot is flying

“Why was the shovel groundbreaking in its field?”

I messed up my joke. I was so red faced.

The real joke is “why did the shovel win an award? It was groundbreaking in its field”

emmajoan20 · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a cashier and I usually get in this loop when talking to customers, beginning with, “Hi, how are you...” and ending with, “Thank you, have a good day.” The only problem is that sometimes I rely too much on auto pilot and (more than once), I’ve turned around to give a customer their receipt and said, “Hi, how are you? Is plastic okay?” Pretty weird looks and awkward laughs ensue.

Final7C · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moved out of my childhood home to an apartment in another part of the city.

About a year later I'm driving home very late from work and I go to my childhood home instead of my apartment.

My family no longer lived there. I got to the front door and wondered why my keys didn't fit.

yoohoovoodoo · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I get tired and I’m talking to someone I talk about shit completely unrelated. And I usually refuse to hang up first. Super embarrassing

Coryperkin15 · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I went to go into the mall underground parking lot at Christmas time. They have a stand where you push a button for your parking ticket to come out and the arm goes up allowing you to enter. I put my debit card in the slot three times before my friend asked wtf I was doing. The guy in the car behind even noticed what happened and exaggeratedly laughed and honked.

I was very glad there wasnt enough of a void for my card to fall inside the box.

ifdeadpokewithstick · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking through the lunch room at work to go outside with my sunglasses and a bottle of water in my hand. Without thinking about it because I did it every time I walked out, I reached up to put the sunglasses on and slide them to the top of my head, not even remembering I had taken the cap off the water bottle. To everyone in the lunch room it just looked like I poured a bottle of water on my head for no reason.

livingshadow97 · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This morning I made myself a sandwich to take to work, then promptly ate it

NCan · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today, as soon as I sat down at my desk at work, I immediately took my shoes off. I guess I had been doing that in my home office a lot, so I just went for it. The moment garnered a couple choice stink eyes.

nicoleyand558 · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Microwaving a of noodles. I stood there and stared at it for three minutes while it sat on the counter and the empty microwave kept running.

GuestNumber_42 · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My phone has a "double-tap screen" to keylock it.

I double tapped my paperback book after setting it down on the table. Immediately checked to see if anyone saw that. My SO did.

foxeir · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last weekend we were leaving the house for coffee and my boyfriend said he was going to get his sunglasses from his truck and I said “ok I’ll drive over to where you’re parked and pick you up” so he didn’t have to trek all the way back to my car.

I continued to auto pilot all the way out of the neighborhood, passing him on the way, and was about to turn out of our neighborhood when I realized something was off...

I turned around and he was dying laughing saying he watched the entire thing

ce_666 · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the bathroom to take a leak. Took off all of my clothes as if I was going to take a shower. WTF? Well, at least I was at home.

shamls · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work I'm constantly moving my mouse/cursor around sort of as a fidget thing. I'm usually just making random designs or spelling out words in cursive as they come up in conversation or in emails/documents I'm reading. Once I was in a webex with 3 others and I was sharing my screen. I spaced out for a bit and started writing out their first names and other random words that came up.

Dont-Ask-Howe · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working on a project with someone and wanted my phone number to be able to contact me to work on the project, I gave them my mum's phone number instead... Didn't even realise I knew my mum's phone number off by heart...

theWolfmanSays · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally told a phone support person “Love Ya” right before hanging up.

Palcikaman · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to get lunch, i was going to take the bus, but for some reason i didnt go to the stop, instead i just went by foot, i realised halfway there that i'm not on the bus

Spanky_Tank · 1 points · Posted at 00:08:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hey good morning!"

"Today!"

SpongeyandBruised · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was an order selector at a warehouse for a couple of years. Whenever you didn't understand what came through the headset you would issue the command 'Say again.' for it to repeat.

During all my time there and about a year after I left whenever I would fail to hear someone I would quickly blurt 'Say again!' at them almost immediately after they finished their statement. I got some strange looks.

mr_epicbut · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put one of my rubriks cube in the fridge with the milk, and my parents found it a few days later.

romanlettyce · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There have been countless times I’ve almost thrown my coffee into my car and carefully set my bag down. I’ve luckily caught myself each time so far 🙄

stefanlikesfood · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I forgot to pull out and pulled it out anyway afterwords

otterykhaleesi · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my mum once offered to drive me to school. I realised she was actually taking me to her work after she turned the wrong way at a set of traffic lights. She went completely white and just whispered "I forgot you were in the car."

arthur2-shedsjackson · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Sometimes I put the coffee beans straight into the French press instead of the grinder. Actually I do that almost once a week.

Once I got up and drove to work and wondered why traffic was light. Went through the gate and there was no line at the checkpoint. I went into the squadron and started making coffee. And I was baffled why there was no one there except the squadron commander. Apparently I didn't realize it was a federal holiday and all non-essential personnel were off that day. The squadron commander was just there to catch up on work.

politeassbitch · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was stoned, checking out at Victoria's Secret and the lady asked if I wanted to get 20% off, so of course I said yes. Didn't really pay attention to what she said after the 20% off part. Gave her my name, email, yatta yatta yatta. Then she asked for my social security number. I looked up and laughed because I didn't know why Victoria Secret would ever need my SSN. All of a sudden she handed me a credit card with my name on it. Still have to cancel that shit.

pettyhonor · 1 points · Posted at 00:09:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a nap on a Saturday noon woke up around 7pm got in the shower got all dressed walked down stairs with my backpack on when my dad stopped me and asked where i was going, i was already confused because my dad normally isn't home when i leave for school but when he was just chillin like he just got home from work it confused me even more... Thats the one thing i don't like about time changes

jjwilliams1118 · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Snare sub for indoor, fell asleep during accent tap stuff. Couldn’t keep my eyes open for 30 minutes and somehow didn’t do too bad. I was literally falling over at my drum.

Enforcer84 · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a summer of heading to the swimming pool with my buddy Mike (I was age 11) we went bowling and instead of just changing shoes I started taking off all my clothes. I'd removed my shirt and pants when I realized I wasn't in the locker room.

Mike laughed his 9 year old ass off.

axelcuda · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a friend. He is known for being a bit of an airhead sometimes. One night, when he was still in high school, his mom yelled from another room to go to bed, it was about midnight. But for some reason, he got up, went into the bathroom took a shower and put on a fresh set of clothes. When he got out his mom was like "What the hell? I said its bedtime?" Appearently, since his mom also wakes him up in the morning, he just went into wake up mode and got ready for the day!

freakin-pepperoni · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a post office. Got up, got a box of envelopes off the fridge, took half out, and put them on the table, while half asleep.

ed7hanbrg · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once put half a cabbage in the draw where i keep glad wrap, and put the glad wrap in the vegetable drawer in the fridge

LordMitchimus · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cleaning my room. Two trash bags: one for Goodwill and one for trash. I was getting rid of a bunch of things that I liked and cared for but had to get rid of due to moving.

I was all done, then decided to clean out the cat's litter box...dumped it in the Goodwill bag and immediately realized what I'd done.

g3istbot · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working midnights at the time, was very tired, not really cohesive; there was a 7-11 across the street from where I was.

I walked out of my office, walked across the street and into the 7-11 parking lot. I saw the cop cars with their flashing lights, as I walked in I saw the cops behind the counter, as I picked up my energy drink and some snacks I thought to myself "Man, it's weird the police are behind the counter". It wasn't until I got to the counter that I was told in a very stern manner "get the fuck out"

TheChaosRaven · 1 points · Posted at 00:10:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day I was making a bowl of cereal with my phone in my hand because I was watching YouTube, I made the bowl, but I was so focused on my video that I put up the milk, the cereal, and then put the bowl in my fridge, then went back to my room. My mom later came in and asked me why there was a bowl of cereal in the fridge. I just looked at her with shame and she just has this questioning look. It was pretty funny looking back at it now.

osirisfrost42 · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did the classic "milk in the cupboard, cereal in the fridge" thing last week.

Also drove to work last weekend when meaning to go to the corner store. I work 25 minutes away.

Nicoscope · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home after a night shift. Tried to open my apartment door with my job's magnetic card. Got in through a window because, well DUH, the card didn't work!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher mom.

giantvoice · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up early one morning. Got coffee (on a timer). Put my shirt and shoes on. Went for a run. Got about 100ft down the sidewalk. Realized I had no pants on.

honestcheetah · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whispering “Kill Whitey” under my breath when group meetings adjourn.

FJCruisin · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I carry my keys in my front right pocket. It's become an auto pilot to tap my pocket and make sure i didn't forget my keys. TAP TAP JINGLE JINGLE.. OK Got my keys!

So.. I'm driving.. TAP TAP.. And the proceed to flip out for the 15-20 seconds that it took me to realize where my keys were.

Frietmetstoofvlees · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to meet my father-in-law for the first time, we shaked hands and he wanted to pass me (I was in the doorway) and I gave him a kiss on the cheeck. It was very awkward to say the least.

ronrnelly · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unzipped my pants and started pulling them down on the way to the bathroom...at work!

bmcmbm · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to press Ctrl + F on a book to search for a word

arnber420 · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped behind a parked car and waited for about 30 seconds before realizing nobody was driving it.

To be fair: it was very early in the morning. It was on a neighborhood road right before a stop sign where people regularly park on the street, but this person had parked so far from the curb my tired brain assumed they were driving like me.

Tushness · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy your meal."

Me: "You too."

noobtube5382 · 1 points · Posted at 00:11:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked to the wrong car once and started trying to put my keys in, the lady came running out of a laundromat screaming what are you doing with my car? It wasn't even the same model. They were just both small silver cars. I felt really bad and just yelled wrong car and did the walk of shame to mine.

EveryoneHatesMilk · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally calling my teacher “mom”.

Meta0X · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple of weeks ago I was training a new girl at work. We work in an animal hospital, specifically in the kennel. We were walking dogs when this happened.

We don't let dogs interact with each other so we can also take care of weaker/older/meaner dogs, but if dogs are part of the same family, we allow them to stay together and walk together if the owner wants it.

When we went to walk two dogs that were together, one decided to play tug of war... with the other's slip lead. That was around its neck already. So it kinda started strangling the poor thing.

We were trying to get them apart, and I was trying to help give advice on how to deal with it. She couldn't hear me over all the dogs barking. So, to get her attention, I did what I usually do.

To get a dog's attention.

By patting her on the head.

I owned up to it, too, and we had a good laugh over it. We're kinda friends now.

Also, in case anyone asks- the dog was fine, we separated them pretty fast.

raineym · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to work one day as normal and when I left I drove home ... only to discover that I had drove to where I used to live almost a year previously.

FlipKnight · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was putting away groceries one night after a long day at work.

Next morning I couldn't find my keys or wallet. I was late to work that day because I ended up trying to find my extra set of car keys.

I came home from work and found my wife nearly dying of laughter because apparently, I had put my wallet and keys next to the ice cream in the freezer.

WhatASandwich · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Prepping guac at work and developed a rhythm of scoop the stone out, throw it in the bin to my right, scoop the avo out, throw it in the container to my left. After a few minutes of this I realised I'd been scooping both into the bin for the past 3 avos.

beatisagg · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Buddy of mine was playing DnD with us. at this point we were commonly drinking on Saturday night and playing hungover on Sunday mornings. His turn comes up and he rolls a 13 and misses, then it was the next guy's turn who asked him for the dice. he didn't have em. the first guy auto piloted a roll without any dice and didn't even make it a hit... eesh

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just today I was talking to approach and got distracted by a harmless trim failure on the vectors to ILS. Missed the whole thing and approach had to circle me back on while everyone in a 50 nm diameter on freq heard me.

JJbullfrog1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ha! At first I thought you were talking about autopilot in planes and I was thinking, I don't fly planes with autopilot installed

Leonashanana · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put sugar in my yoghurt smoothie and frozen berries in my coffee.

jmodonne23 · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving and stopped at a green light. Needless to say the dude behind me was not happy lmao

SkeksoUrsu · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate a cat treat.

iamkoalafied · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a cashier sometimes customers would say they don't need the receipt and I'd try (and sometime fail) to remember to not ask them if they wanted their receipt at the end of the transaction. One time someone asked for no receipt so I didn't ask them if they wanted it, but as soon as someone else came in I asked them "Would you like your receipt?" instead of saying "Welcome to [blank]." At least that wasn't as bad as when my coworker accidentally told a customer "sleep tight" when they were leaving though.

chucklebot3000 · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw away my dirty dishes a couple times... Not proud of that.

Jablizz · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put the house phone in the basement fridge as a teenager then spent 30 mins looking for the phone. My mom was not happy and when I told her I found it in the fridge she assumed I was drugs, which i wasnt, at the time at least

gnomeerin · 1 points · Posted at 00:12:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stood in front of my locked apartment door and pressed the door unlock button on my car keys for a good 5 min wondering why i couldn’t get in.

IRON-BALLS_MCGINTY · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right now I’m raising a puppy and my girlfriend and her two year old recently moved in. I’ve called her son my puppies name and vice versa plenty of times. I’ve caught myself from calling my gf my dogs name a few times. I shudder to think of the repercussions.

skiballerina · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

saying "I love you" at the end of a phone call--not what the telemarketer expected

Sidewyz · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting at my desk and needed to check the voicemail on cell phone. I used work phone with headset to call cell to access VM. I resume working on pc. Cell phone, on my desk, rings. I blankly hang up work phone to answer cell phone, say “Hello.....hello.....heeelllloooo”. No one there, I flip the phone shut. Remembered, need to check VM. I use work phone and do the whole process over again. Only after I hung up the cell phone a second time did I realize I just hung the phone up on myself not once but twice.. 🙄

mbennett51 · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In a well known coffee chain, there was a queue for the station with the sugar and stuff on. I was halfway through a 6 hour drive so needed caffeine.

I opened two sugars and poured them in straight in the bin. When I realised what I’d done I decided it was best to casually walk away rather than grab more.

Got some odd looks by the people waiting who thought I just queued up to pour away sugar like some sort of ancient sacrifice to the driving gods...

JorVar3000 · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a small Liquor Store chain and a big deal ccompany representative came to buy stuff, but I thought he was just a regular client. Anyways, he was kinda old, so when he asked for his discount I asked if it was a retired person discount. He was very offended and let's just say I got a dirty look instead of a tip.

triv94 · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kept whacking my university ID / access card against my accommodation keyfob receiver and wondering why it won’t open.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I showed up 30 minutes late to a 50 minute class of mine once, to find that a substitute was in that day. He grilled with questions for a few minutes, but that was the worst of it.

TwoGoalsOneCup · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nothing too crazy, but recently I was eating a yogurt and when I finished I threw the spoon in the trash and the container in the dishwasher.

GameBoiye · 1 points · Posted at 00:13:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was buying work clothes at Jos. A. Bank. and was with a representative who was helping me pick stuff out. He recommended some shoe polish spong....which I immediately opened, pressed my fingers into, and then licked them to taste it.

We both just stood there and looked at each other for at least a good 10 seconds before we proceeded to finish things up...which took another 30 minutes easy. Neither of us ever acknowledged it.

AnnieB25 · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

In the gym locker room, gathered up all my stuff, close the locker, point my car key fob at my locker and double click to lock it.

i_speak_penguin · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This video from Day9 contains an absolute hilarious story about doing things on autopilot. https://youtu.be/akyAFmbjeYI

samtaylor7 · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the bathroom before I was leaving a conference, walking out with my keys in one hand, paper towel in the other. Threw my keys in garbage can, put the paper towel in my pocket.

freeloader798 · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a hospital. One of the things we have to do is knock on the door before entering for patient privacy. I’ve knocked on my own bedroom door more than I’d like to admit.

xSylk · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told the movie theatre attendant "you too" after telling me to enjoy the show.

lou_lou_belle · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After dating my boyfriend for like 3 months I was hugging him goodbye and said “drive home same, love you”. Immediately after saying that I backed up and went “OOOHHH.....” he cracked up and still brings it up 2 years later haha

BlueRhinos · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up at 3am to pee, walked into the pantry instead of the bathroom... And peed on the onions. Only realized when I reached for the toilet paper and there was none.

Not my proudest moment.

GezzRoll · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Are you joking? I have asked this question like twice before and it got downvoted to hell. What the fuck

katiem253 · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat through all of my classes one period early (I guess I thought I got to school during 2nd).

On one hand...I got away with it. On the other....None of my teachers noticed? None?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wake up, look at my phone. 6:30 AM .....shit, I am late gonna be late for school. Freshen up, take a shower, can’t find my uniform, so I rummage my cupboard and I find it. Bag seems a bit lighter than usual, but I don’t check. Run down to see my father having a cup of tea and staring at me, and it was then I realised I had finished school last week

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to descend to 3500 feet and freaked out that the stick was jammed.

UCantHaveNEPudding · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called daycare to let them know my daughter wouldn’t be there that day. When they answered, I responded with, “Thank you for calling [company I worked for at the time], this is UCantHaveNEPudding, how can I help you?”

dusterbusterv1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 13, there was a glitch in my wrestling video game where the ring announcer kept saying "Innnnnnntroducing..." I thought it was funny and it became an inside joke with myself.

During a test in my 8th grade English class, I forgot where I was and shouted out "Innnnnnntroducing!" The whole class looked at me for a second. Got a few raised eyebrows before everyone resumed taking their test. My face had never felt so hot from embarrassment.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ordered a twister at KFC. Went to the trashcan to throw away the wrapper. Threw away the twister instead.

nuclearsummer89 · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Best one I can recall is from when I was a teenager,

I lost the TV remote so I tore apart the house looking for it. Took a bathroom break and as I unzipped my pants I dropped something in the toilet.... it was the remote. I had been carrying it in my right hand the entire time.

midwakehunter · 1 points · Posted at 00:14:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a red light, looked both ways and then drove forward, 6 seconds later I realized that it was a light and not a stop sign

SaithusX · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a plumber and when I'm really focusing on something sometimes I will stick my tongue out a little bit. I was re-setting somebody's old toilet and while I was bolting it down behind it I accidentally licked the toilet rim.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the milf in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge.

I’ve also done some dumb things on autopilot that are no sense out of context.

DancingPickle · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in my touring children's theatre days, I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. It was the first and only time it had ever happened and seemed to happen for no reason.

My vision was reduced to a pinhole as far as focus was concerned and everything on the periphery was kaleidoscopic like a migraine, but there was no pain. There was, however, nausea.

For 45 minutes, I coasted through the show I had performed over 400 times in two years, singing and dancing, balancing on 18" high boxes, and vomiting as quietly as possible into a cardboard box every time I went backstage.

My castmates knew I was ill but since the episode began basically at the start of the show, I had no opportunity to explain until afterward, when the feeling subsided as suddenly as it began.

I'm led to believe that neither the children nor the teachers were aware of anything amiss.

SalmonellaSushi · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nearly used my friend's toothbrush instead of mine.

sssjfn · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had to cough while brushing my teeth. Meant to spit out the toothpaste then turn my head to cough, but instead I turned my head and spit, then coughed at the sink.

InvalidArgument56 · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

According to my girlfriend, when I was asleep I told her I was going to "bury her in a mountain of kisses" and just started making out with the pillow her head was on. Apparently it was hilarious.

InappropriateSurname · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While cooking pasta, I drained the pasta in a colander but neglected to move over to the sink, pouring the boiling water straight on to the hob.

ctw2800 · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually pay for pizza online then pickup in store. Went, picked up my pizza, went home. It was at that point i realized i clicked pay in store.

Chunkyman48 · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walk around the house hand in my pants cupping my balls. It's a guy thing and many of us do it. Still embarrassing getting caught by your daughter and her friends.

Joking. I'm joking

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving home one day and pulled into a line at McDonalds. I ate 10mins before.

james_shortt · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up, very tired from a late night before. I showered, got dressed and ate breakfast - all still half asleep. It was going well until I my brain did two silly things. I went upstairs to brush my teeth, proceeding to put the toothpaste on my razor, and almost shredding my teeth and gums before noticing. It doesn’t end there though. Once I had the toothpaste on my toothbrush, and had finished brushing my teeth, instead of spitting into the sink, I spat toothpaste all inside my bathroom drawer.

manny_rr · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anyone else came expecting to hear crazy stories in Teslas.

Solddyy · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Taco Bell and everyday delivering orders when I would give the food I would say “enjoy your food” and the customer would say “you too” and I would feel their cringe inside them.

Warriorqueen19 · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making some hot chocolate, found myself pouring milk on a plate. Another time I almost put a box of cereal in the fridge.

CaptainRexKramer · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Missed top of descent.

WildAlbatross · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cracked an egg into the trash...twice in a row

psychedelicdevilry · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My entire life.

fourmthree · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moved house. Finished a nightshift in the usual daze around 3 weeks later. Drove to my old house, parked up.

stelofti · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instead of saying have a great day I said to my customer, "Hi, how are you." It was super busy and I was on auto pilot for awhile. Hi, bye, hi, bye, hi, bye, hi,....hi?

TheQuietSky · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was skipping rocks while in my phone and almost threw it pn the water. Imagine a reddit without me in it!

productionshooter · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first car didn't need keys to drive. You could just turn the ignition plastic key guard thing and it would start. I have a different car now and to this day while driving I'll realize my keys aren't in my pocket and panic thinking I've forgotten or misplaced them. No Productionshooter, they are in the car you are presently driving.

ShadowKymera · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited at an escalator in the mall for people to stop coming down so I could go up. Took me some seconds and a couple of confused people to understand what I was doing

drmissmodular · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During an intramural ultimate game, slapped the butt of a player on the opposite team. I still have no idea why. I was mortified.

0The1Absurdist0 · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few days ago i accidentally stole a box of Mike and Ikes.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About once a month I will crack an egg right into the sink.

JakeM917 · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a grocery store, and by my second month I had a system of asking paper or plastic, bagging groceries, putting them in the cart, and saying “thanks for coming in.” So one day the store director, who wasn’t mean but you definitely didn’t want to be on his bad side, came through the check-out lane I was bagging on. Whenever he comes through we all try to be on our best behavior and generally be perfect. But as I’m handing him my groceries I tell him “thanks for coming in” while I’m handing him is groceries. He paused and I froze for about ten seconds, and we’re both just holding his groceries, as he wonders “how stupid is this kid, I run this whole store”, but then he eventually makes his way out without saying anything in response. I looked back at the cashier and I could tell he was trying so hard not to burst out laughing.

So that was the first and only time I ever interacted with him. Until a new store director came in several months later I tried to avoid him whenever he came close to me.

senpai_soup · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told my girlfriend “you’re so tiny” instead of “you’re so cute” a few months ago. I won’t ever hear the end of it

TheCat1994 · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Has to be thanking ATMs, especially when I'm hungover

WeeFreeMe · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my husband. He needed to buy flip-flops. So he went into the store, grabbed a random pair, went to the register and purchased them. Completely disregarded that shoes come in different sizes. He got a size women’s size 6.5....he uses sizes 12.

00pue · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up at 2am, took a shower, and ate a bowl of cheerios thinking it was the morning.

Similarly, I once woke up in the middle of the night thinking that I had left my contact lenses in and proceeded to claw at my eyeballs for 5 minutes before realizing there was nothing there.

moralbound · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told someone i recently started dating I loved them as a goodbye on the phone, casually, for the first time, and I didn't mean it.

Kusinero · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a cook by profession and I sometimes answer people's questions with a yes chef or a no chef.

GentleCapybara · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate an yogurt, threw the spoon in the trash and the packaging in the sink.

damboy99 · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once while I had a company at my house, I poured myself a glass of water via the fridge, put it in the fridge then forgot about it. A few minutes later I grabbed another glass filled it and started drinking it.

Power_Weasel · 1 points · Posted at 00:16:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do a lot of things accidentally from working in a kitchen. At the grocery store I will say "CORNER" really loud and assertively when turning aisles. Or say "BEHIND" when sneaking behind someone to go to the bathroom at the bar. Oopsie Daisies.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flew into a star to try to refuel faster.

debauchedsloth1804 · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a superior to "carry on" after a bit of bullshitting. Was immediately horrified but he was cool.

*CPL to SGT

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally stole my ex-girlfriend's laptop when packing up mine as well.

SnarkyM · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did karate for a number of years (stopped going after my black belt) and we were supposed to bow every time we walked through the door. I’ve bowed through doors during middle school classes, restaurants, everything. It was equally embarrassing every time.

PM_ME_UR_FRIEND_IAN · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my friend was in the McDonald's drive thru, ordered two things right next to each other on the menu, and eventually ended up reading off everything on the menu because he zoned out. He was with his girlfriend's family, and he only stopped when his girlfriend's dad tapped his shoulder and said "are you ordering for the entire car?"

Duspende · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Call my teacher 'honey'. He's a grown man and I was ultra tired coming out of a weekend of just nodding along to my girlfriend's statements.

coolsaw20 · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t know if it counts but,

In my first year when we just discovered weed, we smoked up and as dorm inspection was being done the next day, we decided to clean the unit. We took the bin out to throw the trash in the big community trash containers ....... we threw the bin and got the trash back.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a barber. 10 years in. Last year around Christmas I was so busy and so many people were getting buzz cuts. A guy sat down in my chair and it was like my 20th cut of the day.

Without even asking, I drove a #4 clipper guard right over the top of his head.

I've also started cutting someone's hair before putting a cape on them.

I am second in charge of training for the franchise I work for. Haha

CaptainGankSpank · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at McDonald's during my teens, always joked with my friends at gas stations and would be like "get me a Dr. Pecker". Was working the drive thru one night and I tell the lady "alright mam here's your Dr. PECKER" she glared into my soul, then burst into laughter. I was terrified.

heymyranda · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I seriously love that OP is trying to reply to everyone.

mattybooosh · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once spent a solid half hour searching for my toothbrush before realising it was in my mouth.

That plus multiple times of being on the phone to a friend and telling them I can't find my phone.

dmumbach · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a server so I have a lot of go-to phrases which include, “understandable, I’m very sorry about that, etc.” Well one day these two couples sat in my section and one of the guys had a larger physique. While he was ordering, I recommended the Mac and cheese because it’s my favorite, he said he’d prefer the green beans because he was watching his weight.... I said I understand.... his face turned so red and everyone started laughing and I couldn’t apologize enough...

arandomperson7 · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ashed in my grinder

terrasaurusrex · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instead of putting the gallon of milk into the fridge, I put the entire toaster in there. (smaller, two-slice one) I didn’t realize until I turned around and saw the milk still sitting on the counter.

kaskudoo · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In a Restaurant I poured the water from the carafe into my Glas. Except it wasn’t my Glas, it was the candle holder and it wasn’t a closed vessel, so the water ran out on the bottom over the table :) Wife was amused!

Biffmcgee · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call my wife babe and I go into autopilot and start calling people babe. I called my boss babe and she laughed so hard in my face that I still haven’t lived it down. It went into the meeting minutes.

cosmothetic · 1 points · Posted at 00:17:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lit a cigarette in an elevator.

GiannosCy · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw the chocolate in the bin and kept the wrapping in my hand.

hokagedattebayo789 · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my hydro flask bottle top on a pill bottle

jryan727 · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ticket taker: "Enjoy the movie"

Me: "You too"

CndConnection · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's not really big or worthy of this thread but we had a huge jar of maple syrup and a spoon to scoop some onto your waffles.

When I was done with my serving I let the spoon sink into the syrup lol

Ginsu_Viking · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was very much not awake while making breakfast one morning and poured orange juice into my cereal. Sat down, looked at it for a minute because something was clearly wrong. It finally clicked. I got up, threw out the cereal, rinsed out the bowl, and sat down. And promptly poured orange juice into my cereal.

MachewPichew · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven’t done it successfully but every once in a while I come very close to putting body lotion on my toothbrush

Poor_University_Kid · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was hanging out with a group of university buddies, all guys. I was fairly close with these guys and would regularly rip huge farts around them and laugh. I was on autopilot and didnt recognize that on this night there was a couple girls with us. We were all playing poker and I just ripped a huge knocker out of nowhere. It was so embarrassing.

XarrenJhuud · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ordered food at McDonald's, person behind the counter hands me my food and says "enjoy". I was expecting them to say "have a good day" and replied with "you too"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was calling Verizon and while I was hanging up I said “bye love you too”

Soufey · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher mom once. I still can't go to sleep without remembering it atleast once a week.

TheModestProposal · 1 points · Posted at 00:18:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew on my spicy salsa to cool it off. I was also high so we can just blame it on that

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cooking and I wanted to get the olive oil. Then my roommate looked at me like I was an idiot. Instead of using olive oil, I used the detergent. So I fucked up a perfectly good meal.

vicious_love · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The chipotle I always go to is laid out with the ordering line starting on the left and cash register on the right. I went to a different location once and walked in and went straight to the left side to order, like usual. Except this place was laid out the opposite way and the poor dude working stared and me for a second and asked if I was there to pick up an online order. Confused, I said no, and it took me a few more seconds to realize my mistake and shamefully walk to the other end of the counter.

IamP3rry · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk in the pantry at least once a week

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to make eggs. Cracked about four straight into the trashcan before I realized what I had done. Laughed. Forgot. Cracked two more in the trashcan. Decided I should go back to bed.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once walked up to my wife and her friend from behind and smacked both their asses. Immediately put my hands up in surrender and stuttered my way through an apology.

Pastywhitebitch · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband’s truck needed a smog. I drive all the way there and tell them I’m here to get my husband’s truck smogged. They walk out to smog it and ask me where the truck is.
I look outside to find my car sitting there. I drove my car to get my husband’s truck smogged.

minnick27 · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the firehouse and answered the phone "Yello." Fortunately I'm a quick thinker and fixed it "Yello...the color of our firetrucks is yellow. Leedom Fire Company, can I help you?"

ContentEnt · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally just now I ordered a burger, was standing there waiting for the recipt, and realized i hadnt even paid yet. The dude laughed.

Jonny_RockandFit · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but I’ve got a great one: my platoon Sergeant was a Sergeant First Class. He would call me as a squad leader and when he hung up he would ALWAYS say “alright, love you, bye”. Got confirmed by multiple other squad leaders that he did the same to them.

The best times were after a good ass chewing, he’d say “alright, love you bye.” Always made it instantly hilarious.

velvetelvis6294 · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered my home phone out of a deep sleep with, “Thank you for calling <place where I worked>. This is velvetelvis6294. How may I help you?”

Lanerinsaner · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my cousin and I were playing StarWars Battlefront 2 on the PS2. We were doing a mode called galactic conquest that seriously took hours to finish. I remember we played until like 4 in the morning. I ended up falling asleep but apparently I was still playing it. I remember waking up and I actually got kills and everything. Really weird.

peanutbuter_smoothie · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went inside and pre-payed for $20 of gas. Walked back to my car, got in, and drove away.

9HashSlingingSlasher · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We’ve all held two things over the trash can and dropped the wrong thing in

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally put the cereal box in the fridge and the milk away in the cupboard where we keep the cereal.

HiBye4627 · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to wait tables and every time we turned a corner we would yell “CORNER” to make sure we didn’t bump into anyone that was carrying a full tray of food. It saved my ass at least once or twice a night. Fast forward to being at home and at school I would occasionally yell corner while rounding a turn. More than one person noticed and gave me a funny look.

lex_ackerman · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to turn off the TV with the air-conditioner remote. I kept pushing the power button wondering why it wasn't working until I realized why

amac109 · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put shaving cream in my hair and tried to shave with shampoo

TheDunsparceKid · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Joined a protest.

I was walking to the bus stop after school, headphones in, just thinking to myself. The sidewalk I was walking on was always particularly crowded during this time, due to it being downtown, and other students from the other 2 local high schools were walking to the bus station at the same time. I wasn't even paying attention to my surroundings, since I've walked the route a million times before. But, without realizing, I started following a group of protesters who were obstructing the sidewalk, walking in circles with picket signs. I didn't even realize it until one of the protestor asked me "Do you want a sign?" Once that happened, I sheepishly scurried away without saying anything.

thelatestredditor · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol thought this was a question for Tesla owners

Shadowstream97 · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every winter I try and put my coat in the fridge. Our coat closet and the fridge are right next to each other.

GreenRanger90 · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my 6th grade teacher Mom. I live on the edge.

ryanino · 1 points · Posted at 00:19:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I fell victim to the pesky random boner in Spanish class. Well I went to tuck it under my waistband and my brain kinda shut off and I pulled my sweat pants down waaaaaaaaay too far. My underwear with my boner was in plain sight. I turned around to see two girls laughing at me.

awkward_turtle_2121 · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After lifeguarding for four straight years, I decided to take some time off and go to the beach. Relaxing walks on the sand, soaking up the sunshine and instinctively reaches for whistle “WALK PLEASE!” The kids just began to side-eye me whenever I would pass.

KimberKisses · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was grocery shopping and thought my husband was behind me with the cart. Threw three packets of turkey gravy into some random ladies cart. We both laughed but I died inside.

waihekemadness · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every year when I go to get beers for my birthday the cashier says "Happy birthday!" and inevitably I always say "You too!"

SuramiElGato · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a part time driver for Mazzio’s. Was on a run & couldn’t quite find the house, as it was dark out & a group of houses had no visible addresses. Called the customer & said, “This is [name] with Pizza Hut. Sorry. I mean Mazzio’s. Old habit”. I was a Pizza Hut manager for 10 years. My last day was over 4 years ago.

Aro769 · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was preparing some rice for dinner after a particularly long day, and in the meantime I was also preparing some juice on the side (the kind that you pour some powder in the water) and went into autopilot... When I woke up I realized the water wasn't juice yet, so I checked the rice and... I noticed I just put the juice on the rice.

It was late and I was pissed so I ate it anyways. It wasn't that bad.

mrtheReactor · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was checking out at a store and instead of taking my card out to pay I took out my car fob and hit the unlock button while pointing it at the clerk.

Skywalker-LsC · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened a few hours ago.. I always (try to) put the toilet seat up after I pee for my lady. I need to poo a while later and spaced and sat down on the toilet without thinking to put the seat down. I must have been an inch or so from falling straight in. My SO watched me do it and got a good laugh and still insists I put the toilet seat up.

Sinfully_Delicious · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I have heated front seats in my car and during the winter I ask my passengars if they would "like a hot butt" and turn on the seat for them. Well i went to Canada with a couple friends and after a really long night of being stuck in Vancouver because our hotel overbooked our room, we finally got back to Whistler and grabbed a shuttle (fancy SUV). Well this shuttle has heated back seats where me and my friends are and a guy asks to tag along with us in the shuttle because hes in the same cabin complex as us and when he gets in, I automatically go "would you like a hot butt?" And I just immediately felt my face get hot because I just started blushing and my friends were laughing at me, they laughed the whole like 10 minute ride and I couldn't look anyone in the face. It's been almost a year and I'm still embarrassed lol

BlueAscetic · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

haha. I sang in the bathroom in third grade. In florida, we had bathrooms in some of the classes as they were trailer-classrooms. And everyone in class heard me. I didn't know I was doing it as I was washing my hands, but everyone else knew.

I_love_limey_butts · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving toward an intersection with a red light. Blew right through it and T-boned another car sending it rolling on its side. Both occupants of the vehicle died. I was so embarrassed hahaha.

littlelakes · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 8pm. Saw the time and thought it was 8am. My family was going on a trip early the next morning and I thought I was running late. I went downstairs to tell everyone we have to get going. We had company at the time and I started telling them they had to leave because we had to go. I snapped out of it when my mom asked me what the hell I was doing and told me the actual time a few times.

iworkeverywhere · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the first grade I called my teacher ‘mom’ on accident. That was a weird feeling of guilt and confusion.

Yuinana · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the correct class but thought it wasn't because I was aware I might be on autopilot, so I left the class. Walked back in like a crazy lady tho.

Jmersh · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put aloe with lidocaine on my toothbrush and didn't realize the weird taste/texture for at least 5 seconds of brushing.

ScruffyNerfherder138 · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finally have a good response!! I ride a Harley. I had just gone on a 130+ mile trip on the blue Ridge Parkway. Came back home, had to go pick up the kids from the grandparents. In my car at a stop sign, I roll to a stop then frantically look for a way to put my feet down. Didnt fully switch from bike to car mode yet. Boyfriend looked at me like I was insane until he realized what was happening and then he cried laughing at me. Still makes comments about it whenever I'm driving and we come to a stop.

nathansays_hi · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was doing my last exam for the year and was thinking about the upcoming holidays so when I went to write my name on it I wrote it as Holiday Surname.

Obviously my name isn't holiday, but it does sound kind of cool!

danimal24k · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, I thought this thread was going to be exclusive to Tesla owners.

CantfindanameARGH · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clicked my key fob at my front door and was puzzled it didn't open.

redrocket007 · 1 points · Posted at 00:20:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ran out of cheerios for my bowl of milk , went back to the kitchen , poured more milk, sat down.

Now something I've done many times is take off my shirt and chuck it in the trash instead of the laundry bin. I live in a small 2 person 1 room space , there's no playing that one off.

Tarndra99 · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was tiredly following my dad around at the sunday markets and i followed him straight into the mens bathroom, i was like 14.

izzlebizzlewizzle · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up at 7am and freaked the fuck out thinking I started work at 6. Showered, dressed in 10 minutes, caught my 30 minute bus there and only realised when I looked at my phone and saw the day.. Saturday... I don't work Saturday's

RunningOnCaffeine · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove to the wrong friend's house.

defgh9 · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Barehand-grab a handful of peanut m&ms in front of a room of health inspectors.

SkorpionFrog · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting coffee at the gas station, pour creamer in garbage, put empty creamer package in coffee.

waihekemadness · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Realising you are scratching your balls in public

mnbvc52 · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my cup of tea in the bin instead of the teabag 🤦🏾‍♂️

Joaaayknows · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Returned to a neighborhood pool this past summer after working as a lifeguard every summer for the past 6 years. Raised my voice with a warning tone at some lady’s daughter telling her to walk. Luckily she took it well.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Having a relationship

PolarBearProbs · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

IDK if autopilot or sleepwalking but I went to microwave a bean bag for my shoulder and microwaved my phone instead. That sucked.

cburke141 · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock my fridge with my car keys; tried to buzz into work using my credit card

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pissed in a trash can instead of the toilet at home

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just put the milk straight in the muesli container, no bowl needed.

jamesready16 · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I picked my nose and then 30 seconds later when to bite my nails like I do when I drive...it was the same finger and my gf saw it

stevierar · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came home from a music festival, bought some milk from the shop by my flat, went inside my flat, put my keys in the fridge, took the milk outside to bring in my luggage.

The locksmith didn’t believe me until I opened the fridge and retrieved my keys.

AltSpRkBunny · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came very close to drinking from a bottle of Worcestershire instead of my beer, while cooking.

sammy_nobrains · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently try to open my front door with the key fob to my car.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came into class sleep deprived and I was chatting with this girl about being tired af. I just said "you look great" before realizing what I said. She laughed it off but still lmao.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time while on the phone I was playing with a roll of duct tape. At the time I was sitting on the ground, wearing shorts and when I got off the phone I realised I'd wrapped duct tape around my shin. I'm an Iranian guy.

The words necessary to describe the pain it caused to remove myself from the situation do not exist.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to school without my school bag and didn't realise I didn't have it until the first class

benzilla04 · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

2 days ago my sister asked for Tea and I made her coffee

Brandawg451 · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remember those little milk cartons in elementry school. Will one day I was going to take a sip and started talking I continued with the motion of drinking the milk and just started pouring about half of the carton down my shirt. They made fun of me for the rest of elementry school for that.

One-EyedHawk · 1 points · Posted at 00:22:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost ate a cup.

girouxfilms · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve taken the tv remote with me on 3 family vacations.

roscoewatson · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister in law came over to watch a movie with my wife and I. Midway through, I’m zoning out and in my sweatpants and mindlessly start scratching/adjusting my balls. My sister in law asks me if I’m having fun, all I say is “yeah movie is decent”. And went right back to adjusting my man jewels. They didn’t let me live that down for a while.

witchygrocerygirl · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After birth of our son. First time away from him was at hubbys office xmas party. We got our .meals and sat down .I instantly moved my plate to side cut his me masshed his taters salt pepper and placed back in front of him....WJOLE TABLE STUMNED TO SILENCE ....Oldest lady at the table instantly asked me how old my son was and IF that wasnt the case how long had i had contrl over husband😲😲😲😲😲😲😲.

savetheunstable · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was like 5 before taking a bath, I threw all my dirty clothes into the toilet instead of the hamper.

At least I didn't flush.

OLeCHIT · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked to the coffee machine with my stapler instead of my coffee cup. That was a long day.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After GTA VC came out, I played it straight for 3 days.

After 3 days, I had to drive over to my friend’s place, and having lived in a left-hand drive country, I suddenly realised, after driving for about 3 blocks, that my mind was still in GTA mode and I was driving on the right side of the road. Fortunately it was only quiet streets.

bcarbz · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m not athletic at all and for some reason thought it’d be a good idea to try out for volleyball in 7th grade. At tryouts a ball came at me and instead of bumping it I caught it in my arms. (to be fair I’m pretty sure I had mono at the time and hadn’t been diagnosed yet so my brain was going haywire)

DissimilarMetals · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a place where you have to tell the guard "no phone" when walking because you can't have cell phones in the building. I had an x-box one at home and used to say "x-box on" when I walked in my door. One day I mixed the two up and the guard was confused.

gymjim2 · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I was in my early teens, I had a routine where I'd chuck my underwear in the laundry basket and then take a piss before bed.

A few times I found myself about to piss in the laundry basket, and then one fateful evening I avoided doing that but couldn't stop myself from dropping my underwear in the toilet.

Bmystic · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to pace when I talk on the phone. I dont even try to, its all sub conscious.
Cue to morning in 2008. My brother is staying with me for a while. I get an early morning phone call and hop out of bed to not disturb my (now ex) wife. I begin my normal routine of pacing around, to include through the living room where my brother is playing xbox. Without looking up from the screen, my brother asks the question that snaps me back into reality. "Dude, why are you naked?"
I completely forgot about putting clothes on before i darted out of the room.

jrblohm · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Socks in one hand yesterday, small piece of waste in the other.

Throws socks in garbage

toothepastehombre · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How about a 2 for one: Fed Ex guy dropped off a package I was anticipating. In my excitement I said "I love you" instead of thank you. He didn't miss a beat and said "-love you too" as he walked away

feruete · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up like a zombie and pee in the trash can

Cualquiercosita · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fart.

devildocjames · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drank my own piss.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long day at work, I walked to the bus stop, got on the bus and went home.

When I got home, my car wasn't in the driveway. It was only then that I remembered that I drove into work that morning.

ilcornalito · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in the trashcan next to the toilet.

Chunkyman68 · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I had to pee I stood up, walked to my kitchen trashcan, opened it, and started peeing into it. Realized what i was doing a few seconds later and stopped my stream to run to the other side of the house (where the bathroom is) and finished. I had just gotten home from a trip and want to blame it on the jet lag, but honestly I space out and do things like that all the time. Definitely the most embarrassing though.

penisbarn · 1 points · Posted at 00:23:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband twice in a row programmed our new coffee maker to make coffee in the morning...without putting the coffee pot in place. Coffee all over the floor with two kittens prancing through it is not a great start to the day. We've gone back to the manual switch Mr. Coffee.

bserendipity3 · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After going off to jr high school, one day my friends and I stopped by our old elementary school on our way home to say hi to our 5th grade teacher who was awesome. When we left, we were all giving hugs goodbye and when I hugged him, I automatically went to kiss him too because my mom always hugged and kissed me goodnight. I don’t know who was more mortified. He turned quite red.

Also, a few months after moving out of my ex-husbands house while we were going through our divorce, I auto pilot drove there after work instead of my new place. Parked, got confused for a minute, then drove away. Sort of surprised that only happened once.

pwndnoob · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cereal in the dog bowl. I thankfully stopped before pouring the milk.

wetwater · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I make popcorn almost every night. After I make it, the air popper goes on top of the kitchen cabinets and the butter back in the fridge.

One night I put the butter on the cabinets and the popper in the fridge. I wouldn't find out until the following night when I opened the fridge and was greeted with my popper sitting there.

ThisIsAWittyName · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went looking for my glasses. Found them, put them on, and then kept looking for them.

Abby_Babby · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shopped for groceries, went through the till, paid, went home, got all the way into the kitchen when I realized I left all my groceries at the till. Went back in shame and the cashier just smiled and said “long day?” So damn long.

Kumbaya_m_lady · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the gas station getting my morning coffee. Open the creamer, pour it in the garbage and drop the creamer package in my coffee

JurassicSamurai · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

From working years in the food industry just always always responding with kitchen speak. I.e. Heard, right behind, behind you, hot, knife behind, sharp behind etc.

It's honestly hard to not do it and mildly and stupidly infuriating when people don't listen to what you're saying.

jbird1402 · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

White person smile as well as “ope” . I’m sure I’m not the only one.

cescabond · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always whip out my phone with something of (semi) importance to do, such as add something to my weekly grocery list, of text back my mum, forget, and find myself 20 minutes later deep into Instagram stalking someone I used to go to school with...

Earwax97 · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up one morning for school (mid-high school), went downstairs, poured myself a bowl of cereal, and started eating it. Noticed it was a little dark out for 7am but powered through.

Mid-bowl I noticed it was 2am on the microwave clock (next to where I poured the cereal), barely reacted at all, left the bowl there, and went back upstairs to bed. (The following morning the contents of that bowl looked more disgusting that I could have imagined.)

XA36 · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school, working two jobs while going to school, coming home one night and turn on the highway. I accelerated up to 60 mph, instead of turning on cruise control I put my truck in park.

Abby_Babby · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shopped for groceries, went through the till, paid, went home, got all the way into the kitchen when I realized I left all my groceries at the till. Went back in shame and the cashier just smiled and said “long day?” So damn long.

rho93 · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying mum to my teacher.

craylash · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
PrestoNotPesto · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy your meal"

"You too!"

Ultimate cringe

Borklifter · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crashed into a mountain.

chuhai-drinker · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was the first time in a long time I had hung out with a friend who wasn’t my boyfriend. I was passing my friend on the way up the stairs and I reflexively leaned in and kissed her on the lips, because it’s something I would have done with my boyfriend. It was so embarrassing in the moment but we laughed about it immediately after

Twiggytwiggycocopop · 1 points · Posted at 00:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to eat ice cream straight out of the freezer and sometimes I throw it in the microwave for a couple of seconds to help it thaw a little, only this time I put the metal spoon in the microwave and turned it on.

bravosarah · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning at work I took the coffee carafe, and poured coffee over my tea bag...

SeeWhatEyeSee · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Never happened to me or anyone(as far as I know), but when I wipe after using the washroom I am very concerned of needing to sneeze before I toss the used tp.

If you don't get it you don't cover your mouth when you sneeze and you need to start

AnonymousEmActual · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dried to pour nacho cheese in a mug of milk, as opposed to the bowl I had set out.

PippyLongSausage · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This morning I threw my Christmas presents in the trash while cleaning out my car.

rob_matt · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in sophmore year (About age 14 to non Americans) I had a typical friend group that tended to make fun of each other, and my main response to said jokes was a half-hearted "yeah whatever" and jokingly flipping of said friend.

Well I also had some mild anxiety and insomnia problems that were dealt with 2 pills. And one week my doctor switched me to one different pill that should've done both, it didn't,

Three days of damn near no sleep later, my world history teacher made a minor joke about something I did and you can see where this is going.

mybrainblinks · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was half awake writing a paper late at night in high school. No drugs in the system; just tired.

I forgot to put my real name on it. I only found out because the teacher handed them all back to us except mine and stared at me a while, puzzled.

“What’s your name?”

I answered. And asked why, what did I put?

“‘My name is Larry.’”

Not “Larry.” Not “Larry [lastname].” Just the exact phrase: My name is Larry.

I am not Larry. I don’t think I even knew a Larry back then.

Pants_Pierre · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyone who drinks coffee has, at least once, filled the carafe only to place it full of water under the percolator just to come back ten minutes later to dry coffee grounds and hot water.

consultingassbutt_1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This just happened today. I was leaving for work and tried to lock my apartment by pressing the button on my car key. I only realized it when I heard my car alarm beeping.

chinmakes5 · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

4th grade, went to the bathroom. Walked into my 3rd grade classroom and sat down in my seat from last year.

Armada_Gaming · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In chemistry (high school) the teacher was doing a demonstration on movement of electrons through metals. He was using markers to show the movement of the electrons and was saying they move very fast. Then I said out loud "that's not very fast". My whole class started laughing but I was so embarrassed that I said thay out loud.

minxiejinxielynxie · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Long night working in the bar. Order included something like 3 vodka whites and 3 shots of aftershock.

Had the vodkas poured with baby whites sitting by, brought out the shot glasses and measure for the aftershocks.

Proceeded to pour all 3 aftershock shots into each vodka before realising my mistake!

Crozett · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really spaced out to the family conversations at a birthday party, I was eating some chips and stood up dusted my hands off over the bowl picked it up and headed to the kitchen. Everyone was pissed since I ruined the chips by putting my crumbs in it and taking a half full bowl to the kitchen. There was something on the tv that distracted me too, so it was my own fault.

uncensoredthoughts · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just tried to punch out at the water cooler.

prahus · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took Spanish and French at the same time in high school, and they were basically back to back, having spanish first. I was falling asleep in French class when my teacher asked me to wake up or something, I said "Sí?", and people laughed.

GirIsKing · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live near a major highway, if i go 1 way i end up in downtown going towards the college i graduated from. If i go the other way i drive 30 minutes to my night office. Day job is towards my college

SemperDiscens · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in kindergarten, I was walking around with a cracker when I found a bug and picked it up in my other hand. I went to go show someone and on the way, I forgot which hand it was in and ate the bug instead of the cracker. I still remember how awful it tasted and how disappointed I was that all I had left to show of the bug were its crunched up and spat out remains

j0324ch · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like 2 weeks ago I was 2 seconds from scraping my toothbrush in my hair pomade to brush my teeth.

thequeenofsalt · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my job we’re taught to reply “thank you” when people thank us instead of “you’re welcome.” When I hold doors for people in public and they thank me, I often say “thank you” in a cheerful customer service voice.

pud-sucks · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

An automatic door opened, I went through and proceeded to say "Thank you!" as if someone held it open for me. It would've gone unnoticed if I wasn't with my mom and if there wasn't a guy walking behind me. I stopped walking and said "wait..." out loud and the guy behind me started laughing.

KADG3 · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once I send a really close up dick pick to my mom by mistake late at night while high drunk.

Was able to erase it from her phone before she saw it though.

It was a 5 hour bus trip

dennisvrector · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried golf shot the milk bottle back within the microwave then got mad once it did not match. I solely stopped attempting cause my brother was there looking and he starts riant.

pandas_r_falsebears · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Cool,” is my standard response to everything. It’s my equivalent of “okay” or “I see.” Sometimes it’s even less than that — it can be a verbal tic.

One day my boss comes in and asks my coworkers to gather around. “Jim,” a newer employee, wouldn’t be coming back to work anytime soon. He had just been admitted to the hospital due to massive kidney failure.

Before my mind caught up to my mouth, my stupid ass replied, “Cool!”

Tarndra99 · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grabbed an almost empty bottle of lemonade and a bottle of water off the bench in one hand, went over to the sink to tip them out, took the lids off both, but decided i wanted to drink the lemonade instead, i tipped it up, forgetting about the open bottle of water i was holding in the same hand and proceded to pour water all over my face.

ShotgunSullivan · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work the drive thru at Taco Bell. I once unwrapped a straw and stuck it in a drink before handing it to the customer. They just kind of stared at it in shock.

Basherballgod · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove from work to home, parked in the garage. one of the neighbours held the door open for me to the building, as my hands were full.

Took the lift to my level and used the elbow to push the button, knocked the door with my foot a few times as I had everything in my hands and there was no way I was putting them down, to let my wife know I was home and to open up.

Door opens and the new owner looks at me and asks, “Who are you?”

I had settled on my new place a few weeks earlier.

Enderfang · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking to my mom while carrying a nice plate around the kitchen. Being ridiculously absentminded, I opened the garbage can and tossed the whole thing in as she looked on in horror. Luckily it didn’t break but wow, I really wouldn’t have even noticed if she hadn’t immediately asked me to get it back out.

JamalFromStaples · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does being drunk count? Cause I’m the dude that got home drunk one night hungry, served my self some cereal, and put the Milk on top of the fridge and cereal inside the fridge. Parents had a good laugh at that one.

BigHeadSlunk · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a friend: he had to take his car for an oil change but since it was like 5 o'clock he thought "fuck rush hour, I'll just take the bus". Takes the bus to the autoshop for the oil change, then realizes his mistake. We still tease him about it.

SpawnZ · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This just happened a few minutes ago...

Whenever I order pizza online I usually choose to pick it up myself. Thus resulting in me choosing to pay in store.

I decided to have one delivered today and chose pay whenever drive gets here by mistake. After the driver got here I had to call the pizza place and pay over the phone because I didn’t have cash. I also had to tip in a very unusual way since there was no receipt. ( the order label on the bag ).

Looks like I wont be ordering pizza from that place any time soon...

Spyduck37 · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a banana smoothie - peeled a banana, broke up and dropped the banana bits (instead of the peel) into the compost bin. Realised my mistake, laughed at myself, grabbed another banana, did exactly the same thing again.

sikkerhet · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

one time a man threatened to punch me in the face and I said "Go for it" because I thought he was asking for garlic bread.

assmoede98 · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling my teacher Mom

Anon761 · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the coffee in the fridge and the creamer in the pantry.

LiquidMotion · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have pulled out my phone and turned on the flashlight to help me look for my phone

wiseblueberry · 1 points · Posted at 00:26:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week my decaff brain put the sweetener in my oatmeal instead of in my coffee. It was already plenty sweet before that...but I ate it anyway.

SirBaconPants · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a resident, I was working our main hospital ER on probably my 5th day in a row, and it was near the end of the shift. I was calling the ICU to present a patient I wanted to send to them. I get on the phone and start going through the patient's complicated presentation, and I am getting silence from the other end. I ask if they have any questions, and I get back "...so do you want me to connect you to the ICU?"

I had just spent 5 minutes presenting a patient to the hospital operator.

scarycassowary91 · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw a bowl and spoon in the bin instead of the dishwasher. My partner later went to put something in the bin and he pulled the bowl out and asked me why I did that and I didn't even realise.

RollingInTheYeast · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got in a loop of "I'm doing good, how are you?" with a customer over the phone. We just kept repeating it back to each other, like 5 times, until the customer finally said "okay.... That's enough now, can you stop?"

I didn't get why she said that until I hung up and told my coworker, who was nearby and heard my side of it, that I didn't really get why she was mad when I asked how she was.

I hate small talk...

Carnivorous_Mink · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oof this brings me back.

I was in the 6th grade hanging out with this girl I was interested in, Paulette and my buddy DJ. I was hungry and made one of those single serving kraft Mac n Cheese things and zoned out trying to peel the lid off. And being the little mouth breather I was I ended up drooling all on myself while they watched.

I was too zoned to realize what I was doing till I feel the drool hit my bare hand.

They laughed at me and I was mondo embarrassed. Still think about it sometimes and shudder at 6th grade me.

Platypumpkin · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put on my jacket because I was feeling a little cold. Right before getting in my bath.

... I'd love to be able to say I noticed it in time and didn't get in the bath wearing it.

Phantom_Owlet · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While reading the replies to this post, I was rubbing my phone case around my face for some reason. I just stuck the corner in my eye.

shinramen69 · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to enter my apartment building using my work ID badge instead of my key fob. Didn't notice until the third time I tried to open the door unsuccessfully.

CappuccinoPanda · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the women's restroom at the back of a Walmart. My fiancé gives me a hard time everytime we're in a Walmart together. Am a male

Coloradical27 · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the dog's leash in the refrigerator.

Pencildic · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve lost the remote for a good 2 hours because I auto-piloted myself to the fridge for some milk, and when I grabbed the milk I, for some reason, put the remote in the fridge. I proceeded to tear my living room apart looking for it and only found it when going to put away the milk.

Mawbst3R · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents had asked me what time it was. The closest clock was on the thermostat.

Instead of reading the time back to them, I kept saying the temperature.

Incalculably · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to always ask people at the drive thru if they wanted any ketchup or salt, which was fine if they got food, but we also sold ice cream and sometimes I accidentally went autopilot through my dialogue and asked if they wanted any ketchup or salt for their ice cream. Interestingly enough a couple times the driver was also on auto pilot and would say “yes... oh wait no” lol

philwinkle · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened a business meeting in New York City with "let's pray, Our Father...."

I'm a part-time pastor on the weekends.

purplepurl · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in my car on the passenger side. Buckled up. Sat and waited. Realized I had driven there myself, got out and got in the drivers seat. In my defense, I was pregnant and fuzz brain was in full effect.

xXEvanatorXx · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister dropped me off the curb in front of a store to return a Redbox movie. She pulled forward and a near identical car pulled up behind her.

I was distracted and just hopped in. I was in there a few seconds and was starting to notice the dash looked different when I hear a frightened women say, "uhh hello". I turned and saw it was not my sister.

I freaked out and shambled out of that car so fast blurting apologies. When I glanced back I think she was laughing.

RuffCarpentry · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom will accept anything you give her while she's engaged in conversation. Especially when she's on the phone.

I've handed her all sorts of things without comment and she just takes them and continues talking.

Live pets, random cutlery, vegetables, etc. It's fun.

foofiepie · 1 points · Posted at 00:27:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got the bus home from work.

And then had to take a bus back to work to pick up the car I left there, and drive home.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put groceries away in fridge, to include roll of toilet paper.

Sugafree23 · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eating a banana on the way to work, thinking about someone I was dating (now my husband), anyways he makes me laugh and I was just smiling, eating this banana, when a guy driving next to me slams on his brakes to watch me. Making me super-aware of how dirty it probably looked. Burst out laughing.

Nurse_short_arse · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

working in a pharmacy as a tech, wrote my own name and address in the methadone register

Slutwhoria · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I'm at home doing my own thing and my girlfriend's doing her own thing, if we happen catch each other's eyes, I would casually wink at her and blow a kiss.

At work, returning from a bathroom break, my boss glanced away from her computer and caught my eye. I winked at her and blew a kiss. She was surprised and I realized what I'd done, so I quickly looked away and fast walked to my desk.

ElLetdown · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not so much autopilot as I was half asleep, but I just got a dog and he slept in my bed for the first night last night. I felt something moving so I opened my eye just barely and tried my hardest to mumble "You okay buddy?" He responds "Yeeeeaah" and I treat this response like an everyday occurrence. I mumble "That's good", and try to go back to sleep. After realizing what the fuck just happened I forced myself awake from my sleep-paralyzed state and darted up to look at him.

Turns out he was on my other side completely and I'd been mumbling gibberish at a blanket.

SaltyBalty98 · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Be me 4 or 5 years ago:

I was at a dinner one night, it was a special occasion.

I get up to greet those who have just arrived.

Bunch of people stack up.

What is the appropriate greeting towards females? A kiss on the cheek and a hug, right? Right.

First 3 or 4 people are female, I proceed in greeting them.

At the 2nd it becomes autopilot.

5th or 6th person is male.

I lean in to kiss the guy on the cheek. Stopped by a "whoa", brain reboots, notices and I take the blame. insert chuckles "I'm in danger" meme.

I spent the rest of the night avoiding the fella.

Took me a year to laugh at the event.

JaapHoop · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve definitely put our salt shaker in the refrigerator before

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I was supposed to give my housemate a wake up knock for college, went to the wrong door knocked and it was my other housemate banging some girl, the girl answered through the door and I proceeded to argue with her that she was supposed to go to a lecture or something. I don't remember this at all but I've been told it happened so I guess it did.

ZRELOLERZ · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pouring salt into coffee...

JTKBoi · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ride a motorbike to work and have done so everyday for 4 years now. Last week I got two blocks away from my house and realised something felt a bit weird, a bit off. I then realised that I had gotten on my bike and started riding to work without putting my helmet on. This is the 3rd time this has happened. I usually start work at 10am and wake up with just enough time to get up, quickly get dressed and go, maybe I should start giving myself more time to actually ‘wake’ up from now on.

terriblehuman · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured milk on my pancakes. I can’t remember if I was thinking I was pouring the milk in a glass, or if I thought the milk was syrup.

Jets237 · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When going through a fast food drive in I sometimes say “thanks, bye I’ll talk to you later”. Too many calls while driving...

Osborn2095 · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was hosting my birthday and wanted to make my friend a drink mixed with milk. I noticed the first milk bottle was nearly empty, so I took a second one. As I was filling the glass, we talked and at some point is seem to have put the bottles back into the fridge. After I asked where the bottles were and my friend told me where they were. With her glass not even filled remotely, we looked in the fridge with the milk slammed into the door and the sauce bottles. We laughed our asses off.

zinbunny · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking to my boss at work and the breath mint in my mouth slid out and hit the floor with a surprisingly loud noise. Conversation came to a very sudden halt. I am very bad at multitasking.

AUTplayed · 1 points · Posted at 00:28:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To clarify, we have a switch in the garage that unlocks the front door. I got home today and my dad was also just getting home and held open the front door for me.

Auto pilot me walks into the garage, hits the switch, gets back out only to realize that it was completely useless. Felt pretty stupid there

nerdette93 · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answering phones is like 1/18th of my job and I still answer my personal phone "{work} this is Nerdette93"

coffinbirth1551 · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a flight attendant, there have been several occasions where I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I’m running late for work and start packing my suitcase. It’s usually only after I try to pick a climate appropriate shirt, for my already packed jeans, that I realize I’m not even working that day.

GelatinousDude · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was moving a freighter and had to auto-pilot for a few minutes to answer the door. I got sidetracked and came back to find myself in hull with a swarm of catalysts around me. I was terrified. My webbing alt was already killed so I was absolutely alone. Ultimately, I met my fate and died right there on the gate. Wasn't weird or funny, but I was pretty embarrassed. My corporation made fun of me for some time for it.

menstropy · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher mom.

virginialiberty · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived at home when I was in college and my mom told me she scared someone away that was trying to break into her suburban the previous night.

I woke up from a dead sleep after a long night of partying and heard somebody in my driveway and I ran out in my boxers holding a katana, only to see my truck driver neighbor taking out his trash at 4 am, we never spoke of it again.

Matti_Matti_Matti · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking home, got to the traffic lights, turned right and a very angry man honking his horn drove past at 50kph, about 30cm away. I’d forgotten the whole stop, look left and right and if the way is clear, proceed. That was the day I decided I was on too much medication and started reducing them. I was on seven a day and now I’m down to one regular and just a couple prn.

bob_noobinson · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently point my key FOB at the front door to unlock the deadbolt

julieadue · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a lit candle in a drawer once when I was stoned.

bantamm · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work nights, and I’d go to bed pretty much as soon as I got home in the morning. So one morning, completely on autopilot, I pull out the toaster (as one does in the morning), took of my glasses (as one does before bed) and put my glasses in the toaster. Luckily I realized something was up before I pulled the lever.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk on top of the fridge (where we keep the cereal) and the cereal into the fridge..I only realised when my dad asked me who put the milk ontop of the fridge..

NJ247 · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up one morning, showered, dressed and ready for work. Stepped out the back door and realised it was Saturday (i work Monday to Friday). Needless to say i went back to bed.

JohnnyTT314 · 1 points · Posted at 00:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Multiple times I have gone to the dry cleaner to pick up. They get the stuff and hang it up on the rack and bring up my charges. I pay and leave without my clothes.

theswellmaker · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a huge dump (talking about a toilet bowl brimmer) and walked out, no flushing, as my coworker entered the stall right behind me. I blame being severely hungover and getting 3 hrs of sleep the night before.

fapn_machine · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Since a child, I've put the remote in the fridge more times than I care to admit.

polarunderwear · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a store that started testing us on if we asked customers if they wanted a receipt (mystery shoppers). The management kept harping on making it a habit; it was successful. If I was tired enough, the words "would you like your receipt?" would suddenly come out of my mouth at random while having unrelated conversations outside of work.

rosethorn3 · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

one time my friends and i were having a bonfire and passing pizza around and they told me to throw it into the fire and i just threw the whole pizza box into the fire and they all started screaming and i realized at that exact moment that there was still pizza in the box. i was not allowed to live it down the whole rest of the night

chelseasleah · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was maybe 15 and pretty self absorbed, very concerned with my appearance. Me and my friend were outside sitting on our quads and the good-looking neighbor boy stopped by to chat. 10 mins into batting my eyes and trying to be a cool as possible, I forgot where I was and who I was with a lifted my leg (was sitting cross-legged on the front rack of my quad) and let the BIGGEST fart out. Never in a million years did I think farting was ok infront of Mc hotty hot boy. I could have died when I realized what I did.

LameName90210 · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the work toilets and said "Hey Google"

lavasca · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Deove to my old house because I was tired. I was sas that I had another 20 miles to drive before I could sleep. Evenntually I remembered that I had moved. I was so stoked because I had only overshot by one freeway exit!

Rumbleroar1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I locked my door from the outside before going to a lecture, but I forgot that I had a guest in there who had no key to the apartment. On the bright side, when I came back two hours later they were still asleep and haven't realized that I accidentally locked them inside.

goodgollyitsmol · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was doing a puzzle while eating m&ms... got my hands confused and ended up almost eating a puzzle piece 2/10 would not recommend

Cogeno · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Overnight shift at McDs, wanted to call for the next customer but instead called out (repeatedly) “INSERT YOUR CARD WHENEVER YOU’RE READY!”

Msarkari · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I left the grocery store, got into my car and started digging through my purse looking for my car keys. I had just put the stuff in my trunk so I knew I had just had them. I start panicking thinking I locked them in my trunk. My trunk button doesn’t work. I end up calling my dad freaking how and asking to him to go to my house and get my spare set of keys. Then I look down, my car was running. I actually sat there silently for a good 5 minutes wondering what the hell is wrong with me lol.

explosive_donut · 1 points · Posted at 00:30:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I outed myself as trans to my boss a month before I meant to!

FlippityMcBunnypants · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at a fast food restaurant, and a guy came up to my counter. I asked him, "What do you want?" No greeting or anything. He blinked at me and I realized what I said. I said, "I'm so sorry, what can I get for you today?" A little more aggressive than I tend to be when I'm working!

onateag · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hung out all day with my gf then went to hang out with a guy friend. I went to get his attention and called him babe. Both of us just looked at each other in horror then busted out laughing.

But... I couldn't stop. I called him babe 3 or 4 more times. It was not funny anymore. I'm lucky we still hang out after that lmao

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A woman was talking to me about her detached retina and how the process to fix it would require her to lay flat on her stomach for a while. My response, which haunts me to this day, was, "Oh yeah, I've had that done before." WHY. I hadn't had that done before. I hadn't ever had anything remotely like that done before. I am not a pathological liar. It just spilled out of my fucking mouth. And I could tell that she KNEW I was lying, but I had to stick with it and make up a bunch of details and a backstory for her. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Shiney79 · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does pissing out the front door while sleepwalking count?

deliriumisdelight · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to the same bathroom stall at work every time because the door is wonky and no one else uses it... Except for one other person. I keep faceplanting into the door when she's in there, and make an idiot of myself. She giggles, I giggle, have I learned my lesson? Hell no.

Chrononubz · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once answered the phone saying thanks for calling Starbucks! I used to be a shift supervisor at Starbucks, but currently working as a budtender at a dispensary. I promise I wasn't high!

Atlas_Black · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend and I went out to visit my mom in California. It had been WAY too long since I had a vacation, and it had been 2 years since I had seen my mom.

I quickly fell into the groove of not having to do anything.

My girlfriend and I live together in Chicago, and we divide responsibilities really well.

I cook for her and I, she cleans the dishes.

I clean up the cat litter, she vacuums,

I clean the living room, she does laundry.

And I’m between it all, we touch each other’s butts A LOT. We grope each other to make cleaning bearable and rewarding. We’re a good team.

Well, while visiting my mom, we didn’t have to lift a finger for anything. My mom was taking care of everything so my girlfriend and I could just relax.

I had just come back in from fishing in the pond on my mom’s property, and someone is at the sink doing the dishes. On instinct, I walk by, smack the butt, grope the boob.

I immediately hear “What the fuck?!”

I snap to reality and realize I have just slapped my mom’s ass and grabbed her tit. My girlfriend comes into the kitchen and sees me doing this weird mix of panicked laughter (because it’s honestly pretty funny), nervous sweating, and apologizing.

I told my girlfriend what happened, and she starts busting up laughing and explains to my mom why it happened. I just let her do most of the explaining and finished it off with “I was just zoned out. I was on auto-pilot, not thinking.”

My mom laughed it off, told me to remember that I’m not in my apartment. I was so embarrassed.

HectorVillanueva · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked up to the airport security line early in the morning, took off my shoes, pulled out my belt, and had my zipper in my pants down before I realized I had probably gone far enough.

bravesfalconshawks · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was planning to drive to my brother's house to watch the Falcons game (Sunday). Drove to work.

Sgt_Spankcakes · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used the flashlight on my phone to check the time on my watch in a dark room.

wokyman · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my keys in the bin. Took a couple of hours to find them

Fehawk55013 · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked for Walmart on and off for close to three years. I was a cashier for three months and we were drilled to say "Thank you for shopping at Walmart and have a great day." I was volunteering at a scholastic book fair at an elementary school. I was one of the tillers for 5hours and I kept on saying the trademark statement thanking them for shopping at Walmart. The first time I said it to a parent, I was mortified and my fellow workers were laughing hysterically. I tried to watch myself but 90% of the time I kept on saying the stupid statement. Everytime the parents would give me this quizzical look thinking I was retarded or something. Smh

rottenmozz · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put formula powder in the coffee filter

germinik · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made coffee, forgot to put the pot in it's place.

djfred8 · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "you too" to the waitress after she told me "enjoy your meal"

Felt like a complete piece of shit

DaEliminator · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked right out of an emergency exit door as I was leaving with my manager, setting off the alarm. To my credit, the door was also a glass door right next to the entrance and whatever warning sign about it was far below my eye level.

roosterjack77 · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go into the microwave at work to get my lunch out of the fridge

vampsluvme · 1 points · Posted at 00:31:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answering my phone like I'm still at work. "Lab, this is vampsluvme.....oh I mean hi"

BitCthulhu · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the bread in the fridge and the keys in the cupboard.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in basic training, the lack of sleep made people do some weird things. You'd wake up in the middle of the night to see someone else in the tent sleep dressing. You'd wake them up and ask what they were doing and they'd just give you a blank look and say "I have no idea." Those sort of things weren't an uncommon experience for the entirety of training. It definitely got worse towards the end.

caffeinesardine · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i’ve called my mum and dad “babe” more times than i’d like to admit. i’ve also called my girlfriend “mum” and “dad” a fair few times...

KnowledgeableNip · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

New Year's Eve. I wasn't drunk and wasn't planning on being drunk. I was just getting off of work and had to go back in eight hours later. I was exhausted and drove to a grocery store to get some dinner and go home.

I spaced out and drove right into a cart corral. A lot of people were out getting stuff for the night. They saw everything.

My friend said I managed to sneak in my year's stupidest moment just under the wire.

FredericChopin · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forgot to get off the train at my stop. This has happened more than once.

ThatNerdReese · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was younger, I went to art classes. One day we were painting, and it was right after snack time so I had a little cup of Coke on my desk. I also had a cup of water on my desk for rinsing my brush. I ended up rinsing the paintbrush in the Coke and almost drank the paint water.

Avlonnic2 · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s difficult to choose one. I came back to my apartment after my college astronomy class to find the milk sitting on the window ledge...annnd my now deceased African violet in the refrigerator.

Presently_Absent · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Punched my PIN into the microwave, back when microwaves still had number pads.

kitsunenorei · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just told my mother in law to have a nice day and thank you for calling Autozone.

I’m in Target.

Doing a holiday baking supply run.

ankistra · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been using the same laundromat and same washer and dryer over the course of several years. I head to the dryer I typically use, open it up and start pulling out clothes. These clothes I'm pulling out aren't mine. Rather than thinking I used a different dryer, my first thought was that somebody threw their clothes in with mine. I still haven't processed things correctly for several more seconds of me rummaging through these clothes trying to find my clothes when a guy a few feet away grabs clothes out of my hand and tells me that those are his clothes. I finally connected back with reality and realized my clothes were in a different dryer.

ye_olde_jetsetter · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

AHHHHHHHHH.

Let me start by saying people need to lock their cars.

I went home for Thanksgiving and my dad got a new car, blue Chevy, I'm not quite used to it yet, and wandered around a Meijer parking lot for a bit trying to find it once.

Anyways, one day I drove to Bigby for coffee and on autopilot double click unlocked the car, sat inside, then began rummaging around in the console to make room for my coffee. Where'd my dad's big mug go? Oh no. Look at steering wheel, it's not a Chevy.

I'm sitting in a strip mall parking lot so there's 5-6 storefronts all in front of me as I look up and realize I've been calmly sifting through this stranger's car. I get out of the car and go back to my dad's car (which has been unlocked) and I just sit there.

I still have a pen and a receipt in my hand from the wrong car. So now I'm like, do I go BACK to the car and put these items BACK?! If the owner didn't see me before they'd certainly see me putting it back, right?

Uh, so anyways, I panicked and left, and I still have the pen, and now I'm worried about coming home for Christmas in case there's a warrant out for my arrest.

Keep_it_tight_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told an ex girlfriend I loved her for the first time on accident. I was texting my mom "goodnight love you" as my ex was leaving my dorm room and I said what I was texting out loud to her. My stomach dropped to the floor but we ended up laughing about it.

Barkblood · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Early in the morning before work, I had an incredibly vivid dream that I was brushing my teeth. I opened my eyes, sat up and spat imaginary toothpaste/real saliva onto my pillow.

alextomato · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally poured Mountain Dew in cereal instead of the cup. Tossed it out!

Get_Merped_brochacho · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Given my dog Reese's Puffs and eaten dog food.

That wasn't a fun morning.

Chinasun04 · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my favorite story of my husband. He was calling HR back at a company he was really interested in working for. He got the persons voicemail. He was nervous. He left his message and then as he was wrapping it up he said “In his name we pray...” because, ya know, that’s how you wrap up solo convos?! Bahahahhaha. He panicked but thought enough to hit buttons till he has the opportunity to re-record his message. He went on to get the job.

cmurray9 · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poked myself in the eye with my straw. Scratched my cornea and wore an eyepatch for a week.

MyMadeUpNym · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was brushing my teeth, Spit the water in the trash can and threw the Dixie cup in the sink.

jessicaacissejjess · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever my boyfriend picks up a gallon of milk from the fridge, he shakes it violently before pouring into a glass. One day we lost the cap to the gallon and when he reached for it from the fridge he shook it and milk went everywhere! We laughed and cleaned it up ... An hour later he did the same thing. Even funnier the second time!

CrowToTheReddit · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was my first day of college, I, because I’m a fucking idiot, didn’t sleep the night before so I went in barley able to keep my eyes open. Fast forward to the class I sit down at my chair, turn my computer on and wait for the lecturer to start. As she starts she informs us that the log in details are our student ID and the password, our DOB, so me, being as tired as I am forget that my birthday is in May so I call the lecturer over and asked if she had my birthday on the system because “mine” wasn’t working. Now you’d think that’s the end of it. She then informs me that my birthday is September 7 1999. So I’m typing away trying M/D/Y instead of the usual D/M/Y since it wasn’t working for a good few minutes I’d say, then it clicks. My dumbass remembers my birthday and I immediately laugh.

Zaryatta76 · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid my mom gave me a cup of water and I automatically rinsed and spit it..all over my bed.

rod81 · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine went behind his girlfriend and groped her it wasn't her but her similarly shaped younger sister. Laughs were had

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Use my car remote to unlock the front door.

RenaissanceMan12 · 1 points · Posted at 00:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Before I’ve had my morning coffee I’ve occasionally poured the coffee (or juice) into my cereal instead of milk.

mrprincepercy · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if it counts but I peed in the frigde while I was sleep walking once.

I knew I needed to relieve myself in my dream so I got out of bed and went downstairs, but turned right, into the kitchen, instead of left at the bottem of the steps.

Only found out when I came down in the morning and my mom had all the food on the table to clean the ice.

kpluto · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

took ALL the parmesan cheese when I told my husband I'd give him half :((((((

finnwhat · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in our garbage can

Kenny070287 · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

fucking hell, this happened just a few hours ago.

finished work at a pub, decided to get some beer. first a pint, then 0.3 liter, then my colleague decided to get my another pint. i didnt wanna waste the beer, so i downed it, and did all these on empty stomach.

felt dizzy, switched to autopilot mode. told my friend i am going to prank call my mum and another friend, and i did (i am not sure whether i was drunk while doing that), and she had to snatch my phone away from me twice.

when i felt better, called them again cos they were worried af.

fucking hell man.

AnonymousMonkey54 · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've unwrapped a candy and threw it in the trash. I was left standing there with the wrapper before I realized what I had done.

tonyedit · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into a pub that was on fire to use the toilet.

Valenchela · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a special flask where i put my cereal.

I was restocking it and i was planning on serve a bowl of cereal to myself after that. Autopilot me starts pouring milk directly in the flask after filling it instead of putting it in a bowl first, it was a mess.

cjunky2 · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

one time at the gym there was a guy doing shrugs or deadlifts on the deadlift machine thing. I wanted to grab a plate to do back extensions with, so I went to his machine and took off one of the plates that he was using, as I thought I was grabbing it from the part that is used for plate storage. He tells me that he's using it and I'm like "yea im just grabbing it quick." He then reiterates that he's using it and I say the same thing except now I'm confused. Immediately after, I realized that I was grabbing it from the part that's loaded on the machine for resistance, not the part for storage.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

CaptainStinkyknuckle · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was a little kid I answered the house phone and instead of saying "hello" I recited our entire dinner prayer. "Come Lord Jesus be our guest, and let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen."

Dumblydoe · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up. Walked into the kitchen. Whipped my dick out. And pissed in the trash can.

YoBooMaFoo · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started taking my pants off to try on new jeans in the store. I was standing outside of the change room.

Luckily my friend stopped me before I got them all the way off.

FlexibleOW · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating breakfast and when I finished I decided to put the cereal, my drink, and my bowl away. I ended trying to put the cereal in the fridge, and put my drink in the cabinet. It took me a couple of seconds to release “why doesn’t my drink want to go in!”

I at least managed to put the bowl correctly away.

TopHatAce · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I drove to the wrong apartment because I forgot I moved away several years ago

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work alternate shifts between mornings, afternoons, and nights. Usually mornings though. One day I worked a double, afternoon and night shift, but had the next 2 days off, so I was cool with it. I worked 14 hours, got off work at 7am, and drive home to enjoy my time off. I got home, hopped in the shower, then put my work clothes back on, and drive back to work. I was tired as fuck.

digg_survivor · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I left the TV remote in the fridge. Didn't find it till next morning.

DMala · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I worked a long shift at a candy kiosk in a mall during Christmas rush. Just nonstop customers all day long. After my shift, I stopped at Taco Bell, stepped up to the counter and said, “Hi, can I help you?”

The girl gave me a funny look, but it was Taco Bell, so it probably wasn’t the weirdest thing she saw all day.

SchnarchendeSchwein · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I speak good German, some Spanish, and beginner’s Russian in addition to English.

Wife and I had a kid from Spain staying with us for a bit.

Verbatim when pre-coffee me tried to say “buenos Dias” to him:

“Good mor- wait, sorry, shit, I mean Guten Morg- that’s not it either! Dobroe utro? Crap!”

Red_Bull_Breakfast · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just got into my truck after work. I was pretty sore and beat up from the days endeavors. Looked at my bottle of Ibuprofin and knew thats what I needed. Grabbed my water bottle to wash the pills down BEFORE I grabbed the Ibuprofin. I unscrewed the cap and proceeded to pour water in my hands like I was shaking pills out of the bottle.

kingnutter · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in an open plan video edit facility (a Quantel Henry suite back in the 90’s).

A large accessible toilet opened into a communal sofa area in the suite. It was a huge, luxury bathroom, but it was hard to ascertain whether you had locked from the inside. The only way to check every time was by shoving the door hard to make sure it didn’t open after you had locked it. More often that not you had, but it was a force of habit.

One time whilst operating the suite with clients present, I went for a toilet break. Once I had taken down my trousers and pants and sat to attend to my business, I realised I hadn’t given the door the all important test shove.

Without pulling up, I lazily penguined my way to the door and lunged into it extra hard with my shoulder to double check it was locked.

It wasn’t.

My stunned clients watched me being propelled from the bathroom, seemingly by an invisible assailant, with my pants around my ankles.

TheChosenWhipStick · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in the restaurant business and everytime we would enter the kitchen we would yell "corner!" because people would run into each other all the time carrying back dishes. Went to get groceries one night thinking about what all I need to grab before turning a corner I yelled "corner!". Not my brightest moment.

ballsy_salz · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a bad habit of believing I'm rubbing my own knee, and be rubbing a complete strangers on accident.

a-nice-egg · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a cashier. I ring up all the groceries until I get to the divider. Give them their total. Customer gives me a strange look. "Uhh did you get the rest of my stuff?"

I look down. The "divider" was actually a cucumber.

This has happened several times now.

Cristian_01 · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All these people think they're on autopilot when in reality they're just dumb

hamandcheese_1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled up to a sonic. The guy on the speaker introduced himself like "welcome to sonic, my name Is [employee] what can I prepare for you tonight?" I replied with "Hi employee, my name is hamandcheese_1...." Caught myself afterwards and just cringed

darybrain · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up at 5am on Monday morning and took the usual 2 hour bus/train commute to work. Essentially I woke up outside the office building when a colleague stopped me to have a chat. I suddenly realised I had left that job the previous Friday. I quickly made up a story about having to sign and collect some paperwork from HR so they took me through security. Luckily they worked on a different floor from HR so I exited the building, got some breakfast, went to the cinema, and spent the rest of the day wandering the city like a tourist. Great day, but still felt like a dumbass.

If my brain had taken a moment when I woke up it may have remembered that I had a week or so before my next job so I could have had a lie in then taken it easy and caught up with folks after doing several months of 80+ hour weeks so although that specific day ended out pretty good, so I can't complain, I still felt like an idiot.

souldust · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working fast food while being 16 years old. Guy who was just served like 5 drinks at the drive in window with a drink carrier comes busting into the lobby saying that the drinks spilled all over his floor.

I laugh.

Wrong move brain, wrong move.

cherryglass · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited at a stop sign for the green light.

goeatatoenail · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my water into my trash can

cain62 · 1 points · Posted at 00:33:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my phone, while holding my phone

LetterZee · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove 25 minutes to school with a cordless telephone, forgetting my backpack.

nyquill81 · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but when my daughter was a newborn and I had to get up multiple times throughout the night to nurse her, more than once I grabbed the dog by mistake and carried her all the way to the glider before I realized it. She was a dachshund and of similar size to the baby, and slept beside me in bed while my daughter was in a bassinet next to the bed. I just grabbed the first thing my zombie hands could find.

cameronjohns · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once in a Walmart pushing my cart around looking for what I needed. I found it and kept wandering the aisles, only to realize I had been pushing around someone else’s cart and mine was back a few aisles. Slowly switched them back and kept on with my day.

DontMagnifyAnts · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently misplace items in the fridge. Chips, crackers, keys, phones, etc. Whenever I misplace something, that’s usually where it ends up.

GingerNut93 · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a crèche and sometimes if a kid is in the way or we need them to move over we say "beep beep" instead of excuse me or move over please. I've found myself saying "beep beep" to my parents on several occassions when they're in my way around the house, it's hard to switch off kid mode sometimes!

Champagne_Viper · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's always driving to the wrong location. Happens a lot lol

Felaric · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to climb into the passenger seat of some random women's car. She screamed.

yesiamyourneighbor · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brought my car into the dealership for an inspection, and when greeting the mechanic all of a sudden realized I was going in for the hug hello. He must have thought I was either hitting on him or straight up crazy. I could never take my car back there again...

TheWierdAsianKid · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My roommate is overworked constantly and he is often very tired and does weird shit. He once put the coffee filters in the freezer and luckily I knew the kind of shit he did and checked the freezer. He also once left the TV on and put the remote in his pocket and left to go study on campus.

epicpharm · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in the elevator on the roof of the parking garage at work and asked the guy already in there if it was going up or down.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made a phone call to check on one of my accounts one time and as we were wrapping up the phone call I said, "I love you, bye". I felt so weird and embarassed as I hung up.

littensarelit · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I subconsciously ignored my 5th grade math teacher while I was skipping ahead on the assignment. I only know this because someone in the hallway said I just straight up didn't respond when they asked me a question. Still feel embarrassed...

whatswrongwithanime · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home after a long shift with three goals: shower, eat, go to bed. Obviously i couldn't go to bed until the first two objectives were completed but i couldn't decide which one to do first. My exhausted brain puts bread into the toaster and decides to start the shower to warm up while i devour a quick sandwich. Wait five minutes for the water to warm up, jump in the shower, get out and dressed, damn still hungry. Walk out to the kitchen intent on making a sandwich. Go to put bread in the toaster and end up shaking my head at myself and eating a cold crunchy bread sandwich.

NotTryingToConYou · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a green traffic light because there was a red in n out light behind it.

probablyredundant · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My freezer at work has a vacuum suction when you close it. You have to wait about 5 seconds before you can open the door again. I was putting away groceries at home. I put some stuff in the fridge, then turned to grab more items, and paused for 5 seconds before opening the fridge again. I thought I had to wait.

probablyredundant · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also, on numerous occasions I've sat in my desk chair and tried to buckle my seat belt.

xHOBOSHANK · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The title could be dumbest stuff you’ve done while baked and these comments would still work

Musclemagic · 1 points · Posted at 00:34:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some students asked me why I don't wear contacts.

I said maybe soon, my glasses are loose because my wife has sat on them.

The kids replied, "Gross!"

To which I blurted, "I wasn't wearing them!"

AndrewJackingJihad · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a little kid I had a friend over and my parents in the other room put music to clean or something and we started dancing like the little turds we were and for some reason in autopilot I just started undoing my pants

pevsephone · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

said 'hi, welcome to dominos' when someone walked into our Starbucks. I quit Domino's three months ago...

wasabi617 · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked up to the trashcan in the kitchen and starting peeing in it. Slinky realised what I was doing when my Grandma started laughing. This was when I was still in primary school

trunks111 · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a quarter cup of salt in a pie instead of a quarter teaspoon

jdecker91 · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my dad about 10 years ago back when we still hand a landline...

I was sitting on the floor of the living room watching TV and he was asleep in his recliner. The phone had rang and he changes the channel of the show that I was watching. I turn around to give him some attitude and see him put the TV remote to his ear and say "Hello" as if he was answering the phone.

I still give him shit about it.

happiiisoul · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving down a street with a bunch of 4 and 2-way stops and one traffic light at the very end. Pulled up to an empty red light, looked both ways and just drove through

gavilan1227 · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work as a dispatcher for some truckers and I would always answer the phone "dispatch what's your driver number " and every time I answered my phone I would say the exact same thing whoever called me would always be so confused .

HedgehogMommy · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I needed to take out some cash from an ATM. I inserted the card, choose the amount of money I want to take out, then just took out my card and left the ATM without waiting for the cash to come out.

Guess I made the next person to use the ATM $20 richer.

meats9716 · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Showing up to work in house slippers that i put on to warm up my car

Eris_____ · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dropped my antibiotics on the floor and decided to clean the capsules in the sink so that was fun.

Sunnydoglover · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Onesie in the garbage and poopy diaper in the washing machine... didn’t find it till after the wash cycle.

BigAssPuppies · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a bottle of juice underneath the kitchen sink. Then a few days later accused my husband of drinking all my juice. I found it a week later when getting out cleaning supplies. Baby brain is real.

Ewanii · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened yesterday, I'm working in a clothing shop and it gets busy this close to Christmas and had a long shift, one lady was waiting by the counter with a $20 note and a wallet to buy in her hand. I was coming from the other direction. I asked "Did u wanna grab this?" And I sometimes take items from customers and walk behind the counter to scan them if there is a line. But this time I tried to grab her $20 note aswell, she held it tightly and I was confused until I realised its not appropriate to grab ppls money before being on the correct side of the counter. I apologized so much, she still looked pissed lol.

BannedNoodles · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I worked at the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant. I sat down with my family to eat dinner after a long shift and began my prayer with, “Welcome to Braums’ how can I help you?

GegenscheinZ · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just now walked into a sit-down breakfast restaurant (like a Denny’s) and tried to give them my order like I was in a fast food place.

Them: “Umm... like, to go?”

Raseth84 · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was an absolute dork in grade school. One day in my middle school science glass, 3 of the cute popular girls in school were hanging around my desk talking while I was working on something. One of them said to the leader of their group that she should go out with me, and they all kinda started giggling at themselves.

Without skipping a beat, I mumbled " you wouldn't be worthy", intending to say that I wasn't worthy. All 3 of those snide bitches froze and stared at me before I'd caught what I said.

Frenchy4life · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im dieing at all of these lol

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:35:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up the phone and went. Hi this is 2xx Ops room. ... Except it was two years since I was out of the army and.. I was at a customer's site when their landline rang...

uwotnan · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making a baked pork tenderloin the other day while writing a scientific report for school. I reached into the oven to grab the pan and right before grabbing it I remembered "Oh, right, oven mitt!!" Grab the pan and leave it on the stove top to cool down, go back to writing. Come back 2 minutes later and wrap my right hand around the handle, almost instantly blistering every finger/my palm. Curse a little and run around the house screaming like a bitch. Frustratedly come back and grab it with my left hand, burning that one as well and of course freak out again, causing the tenderloin to fall onto my kitchen floor. Was difficult doing anything for a week or so.

DrNosHand · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I waited at a green light late at night.

spellbookwanda · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m usually in my car with my kids. One night I was driving my dad and sisters home after dinner and said ‘Wheeeeee!’ as I drove around a corner...

mediapl0y · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In elementary school I accidentally called the teacher “mom.”

CDNetflixTv · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my phone and it was really dark. I thought “man I can use a flashlight right now”. So I reached for my pocket to pull out my phone and remembered-

Oh yeah... that’s what I’m looking for...

TehHamburgler · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came home to do laundry and was going out for drinks after. My mind was so set on drinks that I came very close to doing a shot of laundry detergent.

assyrianvital · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my shoes in the fridge.

CrazyCatLushie · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was high the other day and decided for whatever reason that I was going to make peanut butter cookies. An hour later I found my cell phone in the refrigerator. No memory whatsoever of putting it in there.

tjohn89 · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night I took out some left overs for a midnight snack and put the plate back under the sink on top of the garbage can. Marijuana may have been involved... I also woke up with a half eaten snack in my bed the next morning.

underthetablehigh5 · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got locked out of my debit card because I was entering the GFS order code for forks instead of my pin. Running a kitchen scrambles your brain.

tima_121 · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The bathroom at my parents' house has the toilet on the left and the laundry bin on the right.

So one day I casually walk into the bathroom, turn right and start peeing. It only took me like a second to realize something isn't right in this picture, but by that time several clothing items were "impacted".

flax41 · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw out a mostly full pack of bacon and put a used paper towel in the fridge.

bao-durango · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On my birthday this year when my girlfriend told me happy birthday on the way back to the car I responded with “happy birthday” in the exact way I tell her I love you. We still laugh about it to this day.

Fuzzy_Yogurtcloset · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On several occasions I've flipped my bathroom lightswitch thinking in my head it would turn off the sink faucet. Turns out it doesn't work like that.

KittehAmaz · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I use a plate to get rice, my brain would go autopilot and tried to get soup.

Alternatively, whenever I use a bowl to get soup, my brain would try to use it to get rice instead.

Caught myself doing it numerous times and went, “What in the absolute fuck am I doing?”

dontwannamakedinner · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving work, looking at my phone, went straight out the emergency exit causing the alarm to go off for a solid 5 minutes.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often catch myself talking to myself at the supermarket about what I need to buy. I usually catch myself after I notice someone uncomfortably staring at me.

jeansonnejordan · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my roommate:

Once a week he goes to this Chinese place called "Oriental Pearl" and has dinner by himself.

He watches Netflix on his phone and spends about an hour chowing down. Beef and broccoli, noodles, bottle of rootbeer, one squirt of Sriracha on every single bite, never glancing away from his phone. The routine never changes.

Until last week.... He placed his Sriracha bottle too close to his similarly sized rootbeer bottle. One giant squirt of rootbeer all over his beefy,broccoli-y noodle pile.

Still ate it like a champ. Came home and puked.

useful_person · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While thinking about something while on my way to eat, I licked my lips. My eyes suddenly focus, and lo, I am staring at a girl who is staring back with a "what a weirdo" look on her face.

AlvinJuhquess · 1 points · Posted at 00:37:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my girlfriend, woke up to find the almond milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge. She woke up and had no memory of doing this.

drsoran2 · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes get into some kind of auto pilot mode while driving on the highway (German Autobahn) because it's so monotone that I don't have to think much and my brain just tunes out and my subconscious or something takes over. Sometimes I've driven for minutes and kilometers and don't remember anything about it or how I got to the point I was planning on going to. I think the longest time this has ever lasted for me was about 30 minutes.

This ability is creepy and dangerous but also amazing.

Does anyone experience something similar or can explain it?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got into the wrong car or almost into the wrong car 3 times.

marcysmelodies · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working three jobs and I would sometimes answer with the wrong business name or leave the wrong phone number, sometimes I would start to say one number and be like oops sorry not that one in a voicemail for a client

CupcakePotato · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Strained a beef broth down the drain.

RipAirBud · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went into the shower fully clothed once

trainbow26 · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve thrown too many forks away

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Early in the morning at the airport going through security. Take off my shoes, then my belt, only natural that my pants should be next, right? I unbuttoned the pants, unzipped my fly, and just started to pull them down before I saw the security lady looking at me funny.

Then I got “randomly” picked out for an extra security check.

Maxinian97 · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know if there is a word to say in case of a funeral in English but in Italy we usually say "condoglianze" which google translates as condolence. You can imagine my embarrass when i said "auguri" which means something like greatings to the widow...

Whitewidow024 · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once had my phone and an empty drink in my hand guess which one I threw in the trash

stewyknight · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my phone to find it

octoroklobstah · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a movie theater and ice cream shop at the same time. At least once I asked people if they wanted butter on their ice cream or told them to enjoy the show.

DusenberryPie · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The number of times I've stopped at a traffic light... That was green

Is too damn high

sciecne · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called unpaid prison workers “slaves” in my government class

Kanden95 · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've told this story before in a similiar Askreddit, so here it goes:

When I was little I had 2 bird pets. One day I was holding one with my right hand and playing with the bird. Some time later I got myself a lollipop and was licking on it. Eventually I had been holding both of them at the same time. Now guess what I licked.

prim3y · 1 points · Posted at 00:38:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into the Women's restroom at our small town sports complex. No one was in there so I didn't really register it, except I barely noticed that there weren't any urinals. I noticed the tampon dispenser, but my head just registered it at a condom dispenser. Not terribly embarrassing on it's own, except this was in 8th grade... during a field trip... at the end of the day when everyone was in the waiting/lobby area waiting for the buses. EVERYONE saw me walk in. Two girls ran in to tell me I was in the wrong bathroom, thankfully, I was finished and was just washing my hands.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on break during the last shift of a very long week and i was very exhuasted. I was almost falling asleep with 10 minutes left on my break i wanted to drink my coffee in peace and my manager came up to me and aaked a question. I was tired i said "im not sure sir but if you step right this way you can speak to my manager and pointed them to inside the store.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ended up driving to work once.

dragagle · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As I was getting into my dad's car, "Hi, welcome to McDonald's"

LaurenLovegood93 · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m Catholic, and there was more than one occasion when I genuflected in the aisle of a lecture hall before finding my seat.

Carbon_Decoxide · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said have a good summer while working last week. Hit myself internally for that one

IronForeseer · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a concert and there was a half full beer bottle in the middle of the pit area. My friend picks it up handing it to me and says and says "Get rid of this would you."

I take it, hesitate for a second, and just chuck it behind me without looking and it shatters. people give me murderous looks.

To this day I do not know what firing of synapses led to me making that decision, that's really not something I would normally do. 19 and awkward with new friends I guess

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the gym and I usually throw sweats over my shorts so I don't have to change in a locker room. I'll pull the sweats off at the lockers in the main area. Pulled everything off like I would if i were getting ready to shower, underwear and all. Caught it at my knees and I think about it every day of my life wondering who saw and if they think I'm insane. This is in a super packed gym full of people all around me.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After my dad died I got so used to people saying "sorry to hear about your dad he was a good guy" and me replying with "thank you it means alot" that one day I was walking to the shop and a family friend Walked past and just said "a up mate" and I replied with "thank you it means alot"

m2347 · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I’ll try to open my front door by pushing the unlock button on my car key fob. This happens more often than I’d like to admit.

laylajerrbears · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I watched Top Gun recently and was really confused on how there were so many pilots with Auto Pilot. Every day I prove to myself that I am an idiot

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home, invited 2 friends over to sleep. They went to my room, i went to to the toilet. When i walked back in to my room, i forgot they were there and took off my pants and boxers and then hillarity ensued... at my expense...

Kennyk11 · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went up to get communion in church and I just held my hand up to the priest’s face and then I was like oh crap

Notori0usPIG · 1 points · Posted at 00:39:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

You know how you can tap a guy's chest when you're trying to get his attention, like hey man! Well I did that to a chick and touched her boob and it jiggled.

tigtheastronaut · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in my kitchen waiting for food to heat up. I don't remember what train of thought got me to this point, but when my housemate walked in I was staring at the wall saying "You're welcome. You're welcome! You're welcome." Over and over until he started laughing at me and I snapped out of it. We still say you're welcome at random things now.

kingzaltron · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got a new job, about a week later I drive 20 mins in the wrong direction and show up at my old job. Atleast I left early enough to barly make it to new job on time.

MudkipLegionnaire · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making breakfast

I put rice in my coffee and nearly put milk on my eggs

Nome_23 · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally started having a piss on the trashcan in the kitchen. Yes.

boop650 · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my wife says all the time "ok sounds good I'll send you a calendar invite".

BoozyVlogger · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom has all our phone calls with "love you bye". So one day I'm at work and she calls to ask me about the upcoming family get together. While on at phone call a friend of mine who works in another department calls me. I tell him I'll call him back in a few minutes and when he says "talk to you in a few" my brain just spits out "yep love you too bye".

CarsenAF · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a vague memory of when I was probably 6 or 7 waking up in the middle of the night having to pee. I got up went into our laundry room and started peeing on the floor. After like 2-3 seconds I was like “ Wait what am I doing?! “ and had to cut the stream off and waddle to the bathroom.

Dil-Pickle · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured water in my cereal thinking it was a gallon of milk

choose_a_username33 · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up for school and I started making my breakfast. Ended up pouring milk into my glass and orange juice onto my cereal. Still ended up taking a bite before realizing something was wrong.

DragonLord207 · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I finished my meal I went to the garbage and threw my plate and fork in the trash while holding my napkin like a dumbass

ambitious_noodlegirl · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dazed during finals week in my last year of IB, I almost poured a full glass of water into my toaster instead of inserting my bagel. Not one of my prouder moments.

Silvernix · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my phone

While watching a video on my phone

Mynameis2cool4u · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost put my dog in the garbage

HoodieMellow9 · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kissed one of my girlfriends best friends on the cheek when greeting her. I'm colombian and we usually greet women like this I didn't realise until it was to late

vivaldibot · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More often than I want to admit, I've stopped myself from putting the milk carton in the bathroom cabinet. I think my brain reasons that milk goes into a room with running water.

jeffprobst · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to a greasy spoon for brunch after a night of drinking. Ordered a coffee and a large glass of water. They show up and I proceed to add cream to my water glass. I had to ask the server for a new water while the server looked at me like I was an idiot.

zsmith18 · 1 points · Posted at 00:40:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger, I was parking my mother’s car, and thought I had it under control, but ended up driving into the patio of an Earl’s. The damages to the car were $7200 alone, but luckily insurance covered it and no one was hurt, but it all happened because my mind slipped for just one second and mixed up the pedals.

whitelimo69 · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my husband. He burps really loud sometimes after he eats. There have been a couple of occasions where he forgot we weren't at home and belched really loud in a restaurant. Once he even leaned over and farted. He was really embarrassed, it's not like he's a pig or anything, he just zoned out. I, however, thought it was hilarious!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 15, I wanted to apply for a job in a local shop. The owner had a policy where applicants just write their name and phone number into a book and, if work popped up, he would get in touch. So he opened this book and I started to fill in my details but at the same time, I was scanning the names of all the other people who had also applied (rural area, everyone knows everyone).

I recognised one of the names on the list and was reading it as I was writing my own name. It wasn't until after I'd finished that I realised through some kind of read/write brain glitch, I had actually written down her name instead of my own. There was an awkward moment where I had to be like "Sorry...that's not actually my name...I was reading...Nevermind" so I just crossed out what I had written, wrote my own name down, and got out of their asap.

Hardly surprising that the owner never did contact me.

Czarcasm3 · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent a few minutes looking for my phone under my bed.

Using my phone as a flashlight.

Wishful-Thought · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at an airport lounge for a while and worked some ungodly hours. I was making a gin and tonic one day and we used bottled tonic so I poured the gin, opened the bottle, and instead of putting the bottle cap into the bottle bin, I just started pouring the tonic into the bin instead.

Looked over at the lady once I realised what I’d done and just said ‘I’m so sorry, I’ve been here since 4am’ and opened up a new bottle of tonic.

ChunkDurtee · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was mildly stoned and kinda tired and ended up pouring milk into my bowl of spaghetti instead of my cup... does that count?

sodvish69 · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was taking my 2yo child to the park, went into.the kitchen grabbed the dogs harness and lead and went over to my child. Only when I knelt down in front of him did I realise he wasn't a dog.

damnitwill21 · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to be a valet for a big casino in my area. Worked that job for 2 years. As a valet if you're backing up you honk the horn 2 times to warn other valets. Its been 5 years since i quit that job and anytime i back out even of my own garage I either nearly press the horn or honk loudly at 4 am depending on my exhaustion. Girlfriend and neighbors hate me..

AndWeMay · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents never locked their cars if they were parked in the garage. Just leave them unlocked with the keys in the ignition.

I drove my mom's car home, got out, locked the doors, and tossed the keys into the open sun roof. I was so embarrassed by stupidity that I didn't even tell my mom and have her get her spare, I just fished them out with a coat hanger and never told anyone.

greenmountainlaurel · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked as a server at an Olive Garden and would sometimes ladle my soup straight onto the plate the bowl usually goes on.

zachnfty · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I sit down in class sometimes I try to put on a seatbelt

themonstrumologist · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lot of times at work, I’ll ask a coworker [who’s buying lunch or buying a few items before leaving for the day] if I can carry out their groceries.

They’re always like “????”

LexSenthur · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unwrapped a string cheese for my daughter. Dropped the garbage on her plate and threw the cheese away.

UsernameObscured · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on a business-critical phone call with my boss. We hashed out all the stuff we needed to figure out, and as we hung up, we simultaneously said “bye, I love you”, on autopilot. Cue the awkward silence, til I spoke up and said “wow, force of habit. I didn’t mean that.”

lonelygalexy · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when i leave the parking garage, instead of lowering the window to reach the card reader, i open the door. And i dont usually realize it until i slam my hand on the window thinking it s lowered already.

noah8597 · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m ashamed to admit I’ve done this many times, but I’ll start frantically batting my pockets looking for my phone and then realize it was in my hand the entire time.

Madhippy · 1 points · Posted at 00:41:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

High as eagle balls, walking through a really bussy town, wonder where I might roll a spliff, notice a public bathroom, get inside and I take a sit on a toilet, start pulling my stuff out of my backpack and meanwhile a fart is trying to escape, I let it out and even decide to take a shit while I'm at it, only to realize that the toilet seat is down and my pants pulled up.

sumodeads1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mind you I was crossed at this time... However a group of friends and I are playing rage cage. (Drinking game where you bounce ping pong balls off the table into a cup. Important to note that the ball consistently is dropping into cups of beer as well as onto the ground and in the dusty corners under the couch, gathering all kinds of nasty shit on the ping pong ball.

So we're playing rage cage, and we're using some beers I brought, these peanut butter beers, Belching Beaver, for any of you beer drinkers. Great beer, probably not the best for rage cage as the ball gets really sticky, because this beer is much sweeter than your typical Bud Light. Anyways it comes to my turn... the ball is really sticky from the peanut butter beer, and me in my crossed auto pilot mode decides its a good idea to lick the ball to get the beer and stickiness off like you would lick your fingers if they were sticky.

The moment I did that, I immediately in my mind thought to myself, "What the Fuck?? Why did I just do that." I looked around the room, and no one seemed to notice. However this was for a friend's birthday party, and there was definitely a good amount of people that I didn't know. No one acted as if they saw anything weird, but I'm sure they were just too shocked to say anything. They were probably thinking "Ewww, who is this weird pervert who just licked the ping pong ball" Hands down one the most embarrassing thing I've done on autopilot.

Lynda73 · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove to my old house late at night which was no big deal, but I still had a garage remote and they hadn't changed the code, so I opened their garage at like 2am. I just closed it and drove off, hoping no one woke up.

carl0071 · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once made a colleague a coffee from the Tassimo machine at work and as I handed it to him, I said ”There you go, my love” which is exactly what I say to my SO when I make her a drink from our machine at home.

We both just laugh it off after he replied “That’s alright... princess” 😂

iCeleste · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working a fast food job, it was like 7am. Normally I'd say "have a nice/good/great morning" after I handed people change from the back drive thru window. For some reason I was looking at the window sill while I said this, and ended up accidentally saying "Have a great window!"

It was very early...

WeissIchWeiss · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven to work on quite a few Saturday mornings

Memb_Insane_rane · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was finals week at school, and I was making cereal and coffee at 6 in the morning. I sat down with mug and bowl in hands, and started to wonder why I poured myself a glass of milk. It hit me once I took a bite of cereal... that was soaking in coffee

mollyjolly1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I paid for groceries and walked out. I left the bags at the register. It wasn’t til I got to my car that I realized my cart was empty and forgot to get my food

LordAlfrey · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lift glass of water to drink. Tipped it before reaching my mouth, poured the water down myself, and not a little, a lot.

Brendanish · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my coworker I loved them when they were leaving for the day a while ago. I've pretty much gone my whole life at home telling my fam that I love em and drive safe whenever they go out.

Also done it with friends, but the embarrassment isn't really there when a jackass responds with "love you too fuckboy"

dizzledolf · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting sugar into my takeaway coffee cup: take lid off cup, tear open sachet of sugar, pour sugar into the bin, throw away sugar sachets, put lid on cup, walk out with a peculiarly unsweetened flat white.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today when I was labeling Secret Santa gifts at work. The person’s name is “Dianna” but I was on autopilot and wrote “Diana” on one of them and “Diann” on the other.

jaystar99 · 1 points · Posted at 00:42:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I used to work as a lifeguard we always had to tell people to stop running. I got so into this that several times I almost yelled it out when grocery shopping as such. Caught myself before doing so.

tommytalkerdoll · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My little brother-in-law said "Thanks, mum" (in reference to dinner she had just made) at the same time I finished handing out napkins, so I automatically replied "You're very welcome" and then I died a little bit. My partner thought it was hilarious, naturally.

AndromedaDerange · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked two different jobs for 3 years. One retail, one call center credit servicing. Obviously had to answer phones at both. Was at the retail job one day and phone rang, answered with "Thanks for calling (Bank here) credit card servicing, how can I help you?" Or better yet, same jobs in question, had to go to call center job at 9:30PM one night and accidentally went to the retail job instead. Opened up my gate, went in the store, turned on the store lights when I realized I was at the wrong job and my store was supposed to be closed until the next morning. Yeah, I was late as fuck for that shift.

alrebmik · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grab breakfast. Last cup of yogurt I have. Take the lid off, lick the lid, throw the yogurt in the garbage. Lol wut?

cant_be_me · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate a yogurt drop puppy treat.

I was reading and my then-boyfriend came over to show it to me, and I wasn’t really paying attention to him and I popped it into my mouth...only to violently spit it out again when he burst out laughing at me and told me what it was.

MadHarryRackham · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

20 some years ago my mom was trying to gather me and my 2 younger brothers and get out the door to an appointment or something. My youngest brother was probably 1 or so, still in diapers and mostly non-verbal. My middle brother and I were standing near my mom and she's impatiently yelling and looking for my youngest bro. Middle bro and I just stood there STARING up at my mom and finally she goes "WHAT?!" and I just point up towards her at my youngest bro. She's holding him.

Soulyin · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have a clay pot were we store our bread in. After I was done eating I put the bread back in there and also the butter. My dad noticed it later.

labrat10001 · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the plates in the bin and the juice carton in the sink.

FutureJakeSantiago · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a weird moment where I had poured myself a glass of water, and I was watching an episode of Friends. In the episode, Rachel is offered a glass of milk and I coincidentally took a sip from my cup. I nearly spat it out and thought "This is the worst milk I have ever tasted." Looked in the cup, smelled it, but it didn't smell like anything. It took me a minute to figure out what happened, but it was very confusing in the moment.

Boomkinboi · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at Carl’s Jr. pouring creamer into my coffee. I had two in and looked down just in time to watch myself pour one into the trash can (it was early).

AZZTASTIC · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to get up around 530am to get to work one day. I was so tired I dragged myself out of bed, got changed, ate breakfast, and was about to head out the door when I saw on my oven clock it was 230am. I literally stood there for what felt like 5 minutes unfocusing and refocusing my eyes to see if it was true or not.

Had to look at 3 different clocks to confirm that it indeed was 230am. Went back to bed soon after.

Jezzawezza · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work on a help desk for point of sale systems used in bars and restaurants. Been a long day and went to call a place to make a booking and ended up saying "Hi its Jezza from insert company and I want to make a booking" at that moment I realised what I had said and apologised and corrected myself and said it had been a long day. The person on the other end of the phone had a laugh.

Questions4Legal · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a nap on my parents couch. Had a dream that they were cooking fish for dinner. Woke up in a haze and groggily asked my brother "wheres the fish?" With no context. He still says "wheres the fish" to me when I'm saying something dumb.

SitzenbleiBaer · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on vacation but didn't bring my electric toothbrush and instead bought a normal one. In the evening I went to brush my teeth as usual. After about 10 minutes my girlfriend came in wondering what I was doing. There I was, brushing for 10 minutes or more because there was no beeping sound that told me that 2 minutes have passed and I could stop.

Savascha · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to speak the language in my current country, I regularly end conversations by saying hello, or the proper time of day greeting. It just spirals out of control as I try to backpedal and then I get flustered and run away.

Simon_Barrett · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used my phones flashlight to try to find my phone.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was half awake trying to make myself a bowl of cereal, poured the cereal, went to grab the milk, but pulled out orange juice instead. Poured it into my cereal and then thought, "What the hell am I doing?!?" Dumped out the cereal, put the orange juice in the cupboard where the bowls are, shut the cupboard door and then thought, "WHAT THE HELL!!!!? AM I DOING?!?!!?"

My mom's friend was staying over and sat the kitchen table, just watching and judging me so hard! Pretty sure she thought I was stoned. 🤷‍♀️

Kulshodar · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once as a teenager I was home alone for an afternoon in which the phone rang 5 times in quick succession, all people asking to talk to my mom or dad. Everytime I picked up with "yes hello this is Kulshodar speaking?". It conditioned me. Shortly after the last phone call the doorbell rang...

Me as I open the door: "Yes hello this is Kulshodar speaking?"

Mailman: "... uh yeah I have this package if you could sign for delivery"

I wanted to slam that door shut so hard..

saltedcaramelmocha · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my house with my debit card.

justgerman517 · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was half asleep and my fiance woke me up at 2 am on my birthday to say happy birthday, I responded with a very long pause and "happy birthday". I was very confused as to why she was laughing when I woke up.

Edit: grammar

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a phone call with a very serious, respected scientist. Ended call with "I love you!" because the call before that had been my kid.

A R G H

He laughed.

Wolffe_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg and threw the entire thing out

weatherboy1102 · 1 points · Posted at 00:43:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There are numerous times when I threw the bowl I was eating from into the trash.

MASHpotatosandcheese · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in HS i used to fight my classmates because i thought they stole my pencil case. I was sitting on it the whole time.

LordAlfrey · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As I was driving, I felt my pocket and realised my car keys were missing. Had a mini heart attack patting my other pockets looking for them while keeping my eyes on the road.

Wolfwalker9 · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I set my coffee pot up in the evening so I can just plug it in in the morning & don’t have to futz with finding all the things to make coffee. It’s a simple system.

Except for the time I set up the coffee pot to brew in the evening & then plugged it in & walked off to go take a shower. Came back like a minute later when I realized my brain had short circuited & was already going through my morning routine motions & unplugged the coffee maker.

suche1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have started undressing more than once when I'm at the checkout in any store and about to pay.

I think I might've been a prostitute in my former life...

Ralakhala · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my cereal in the fridge and put my milk in the pantry and didn’t realize it until the day after

MickyJane · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the sugar back in the fridge..

MagesticPinch · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a red light... that was 250m away... twice...

Yes I'm an idiot

socalcrucial · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When you're leaving someone's house, and they say "drive safe" and you say "you too".

tiNsLeY799 · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My gf at the time : so what are you wearing?

Me : nothing

We were about to go watch a movie and I stayed up ultra late, so I thought she said 'what are you doing.'

ThaTree · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cut my knuckle open while sharpening a knife at work. Was talking to a girl I liked while it happened and she looked down and saw it bleeding profusely. I didn’t even notice tbh

Mare_Bear999 · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I make myself an appointment for something I forget that I’m not at work where I schedule appointments. I’ll occasionally tell the person scheduling me “okay just to confirm, your appointment is at ...”. It wouldn’t be awkward except they’re usually rude or go completely silent.

Fireplum · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the kitchen window to look outside and check what team currently owns the Pokémon gym behind my house.

Wilza_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reading these, I have a had time thinking of anything I've ever done like this. I don't think I ever do... ever maybe I always do and I just never realised what I've done

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s a road near my house. If you turn right, it takes you on the highway towards my best friend’s house. If you turn left, you go to my work. I had five minutes until my shift started and got on the highway without even thinking about it.

Panic ensued.

GoatLegRedux · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to deliver pizza some 20 years ago. I once left the shop with the pizza, drove somewhere, then returned to the shop with the pizza. I probably drove right past the house, but I don’t remember.

PhatFatty · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a teen, I wanted to go to a friend's house but my mom said no. I went to my room and being a pissy teenager, I texted my brother who was at work and said something along the lines of "mom is such a bitch!" Then I heard my mom's phone go off in the other room. I accidentally sent the message to my mom, not my brother.

--Giraffe-- · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We had a game in my foreign language class where we were in groups and had to take turns drawing a word that was called out by our teacher.

We would hand off the mini whiteboard to the next person in our group for each word, erasing the previous drawing before the next was called. Then while the game was close to being finished, a girl in our group drew a cute little cat drawing in the corner of the whiteboard and handed it to me so I could see.

But me, in my infinite wisdom, picked up the whiteboard and started erasing her drawing out of habit then immediately realized what I was doing, stopped, looked up and said "oh my God I'm so sorry" while she had the saddest look on her face.

I felt so fucking bad right then I wanted to die.

The69bandit · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school, I once forgot to turn off my car after I parked. I usually would park, grab my backpack, then grab the keys while turning off the ignition on the way out. At least I didn’t lock the door, too.

oHCo12 · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After years in the restaurant industry, I instinctively shout "CORNER" when I round any corner. Usually draws a lot of weird looks in public and every now and then a nod off understanding.

VyuGD · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dumped my food scraps in the bathroom sink the other day.

pocaen · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly throw away my socks after taking them off

amazingaz · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friends and I in highschool used to play card games in the cafeteria. One day my friend reaches across me to grab a card and without thinking or hesitation I kissed her elbow. Hilarity ensued.

Tempestrus · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to put my adjust my glasses on my face when my glasses aren't on. Happens almost every time I get out of the shower

esc_artist · 1 points · Posted at 00:44:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Buddy and I were walking out of a PC gaming cafe late night in Honolulu. A group of kids were right outside just hanging out. One of the boys and me for a "stog" cause they see us both lighting up on the way to the car. For some braindead reason I finished lighting my cigarette and I passed it to him. My friend quickly gets to my car. I for some reason wait for the cigarette back. After a few moments I look at this group of kids staring at me like some kind of psycho then join my friend at my car. He explains to me the difference between stog and drag and to this day I am trying to forget this horrible horrible memory.

MrPeanut111 · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in elementary school, I kept calling my teachers Mommy or daddy

killbilly115 · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a cheap while my brother was in the shower. He only found out after I flushed.

ForeverSnatched · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have often tried to push the unlock button on my car keys to open my locker in school or front door.

Also the classic looking for my phone frantically while I’m talking to someone on it.

yParticle · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Downtown at 4am. Streets deserted. Ran ALL the red lights without even thinking about it; it wasn't like I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings since I recollect making sure all the crossings were clear, I just somehow totally ignored the fact the lights were red.

Gazza_19 · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Having a conversation about Africa and history when I called Namibia a German colony by accident.

kaitlynimpala · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock my fridge with my car keys

JJT_Awesome · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked customer service for a while, worked a few days in a row. Auto Pilot kicked in...

I was leaving my house, and from the garage door shouted back to my mom "Do you need a receipt?" instead of "See Ya!"

KrytenLister · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once came home so drunk that when my wife didn’t open the door (I’d forgotten my keys) I just took a piss on the tree in our garden. She opened the door mid-piss and shamed me appropriately

GodMonster · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got on the bus home from work and realized as the bus was pulling onto the express exit that I had driven in that day. I rode the 22 miles, in rush hour traffic, to the transit station near my house, walked across the street and got on the express back into town and got off, only to get back on the next express bus. Thankfully I realized before it got on the highway and just opted to walk the 2 miles to the lot that I parked in. I got out of work 30 minutes early that day and ended up getting home about 3 hours late.

THE_GR8_MIKE · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my phone into the garbage into a puddle of fanta instead of my candy wrapper while walking out of class next to the girl I liked. She thought it was hilarious and my phone smelled like orange all day so it was fine.

JoGault · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a green light waited for it to turn and then went. My brain wanders so badly in the car.

ThandiGhandi · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I think I was accidentally pavlovianly programed. Usually when the bell rang for homeroom the pledge of allegiance starts immediately after so I would stand up and put my hand on my heart. One day it didnt immediately start after the bell and I stood up and put my hand on my heart anyway and stood there for several seconds before sitting back down.

d_magzz · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opening a Hershey's kiss. Almost putting the wrapper in my mouth and throwing away the chocolate. The only reason I stopped is because a friend started laughing.

DarthWal · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent an hour looking for my glasses...While wearing them

NarlsBarkley · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making eggs, I cracked the egg in to the trash and put the shell in the pan. Just now... I drove an hours trip to pick up some paperwork, walked inside and used the restroom then walked out and drove home.... Only now noticed that I never grabbed the paperwork. So I drove, in rush hour traffic, 30mins away from my house to pee in someone else bathroom.

Thillyboy242 · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was history class and she asked us a question, I can’t remember what the question was about but she said the answer began with a “P” and I confidently blurted out “PUSSY”. She gasped and the whole class started laughing, Good thing she was really nice.

christopherhoyt · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

COULD BOT FIND THE REMOTE CONTROL!! I looked around for about an hour, getting increasingly frustrated. Checked under the cushions, in the couch itself, behind the tv, up my ass. Everywhere you can imagine, I checked. I finally decided that I had just lost it and maybe it would turn up later. Opened the fridge to get a soda....

It sounds so minor, but I was so fucking frustrated until it turned up.

SpewPewPew · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called the gf and started off with raunchy talk before her best friend responded. I'm not sure why I had her best friend's number.

whore-for-cheese · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had an amazon gift card and was using my moms phone to order some stuff because she had amazon prime. The order was like $2.48 over what i had so i tried to call her with my phone to see if it was ok to charge that to her card... I felt like such a dumb ass holding her ringing phone that i just called.

zaperoni · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened my computer for homework and instinctually opened an incognito tab. Fml

Elevatorjumper · 1 points · Posted at 00:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was covering for our dishwasher yesterday, I grabbed dirty plate that was covered in napkins and food and then promptly dumped all of the food and napkins into my clean dishwater instead of the trash can inches away

Killjoy911 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put it in the wrong mode, and the airplane started to roll of course for a solid minute. When I realized what had happened I quickly hit the right mode and pretended that nothing happened. But the Captain and myself both knew what went down that day.

emmakenz · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured my tea in the trash instead of throwing the tea bag.

nakkaz · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice on my cereal... in front of someone I’d just met.

Samsay2088 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work I tried to dial a phone number using the number pad on a keyboard.

thesuper88 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured apple juice in my cereal and milk in my glass. Gah, I'm dumb. Oh well.

Then I immediately did it again with the last bowl of cereal... WTF, man.

paultnylund · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I asked a waiter to fill my glass with water. It was already full. We stared at each other for a few awkward seconds until I realized what was wrong.

elephant_earthship · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was asleep on the couch one time when I was a teen and my alarm went off. So I sat up, picked the landline phone up off the receiver, and hung it up. The noise continued, obviously, so I did it again. I sat confused for two more seconds then burst out laughing at myself.

Also, one time when my husband and I were standing in the kitchen, we'd probably been together less than a year at this point, I had wet hands, and as we were talking I reached out and dried my hands on the bottom of his shirt. Then we both looked down, surprised by what I'd done, and I apologised and we laughed about it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked by a bowl of cocoa puffs, and tossed a handful in my mouth. It turns out it was dog food

Iggynoramus1337 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was writing a lab report at college and someone came in the lab, I noticed that she had a phone in her hands with an interesting case on it. I was staring at the case thinking about it for like 20 whole seconds till I saw some movement in front of it and it snapped me out of Autopilot.

She was waving at me, because I was staring at her. More importantly, since she was holding the phone at chest height, it looked like I was staring at her boobs for a good 20 seconds since she walked in.

I pretty much tried to pretend to be blind at that point......

igorrs1000 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After putting my bag on the locker at work, I threw my equipment on the floor and left

liziamnot · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "I love you" at the end of phone calls instead of goodbye. I always say I love you at the end of calls with my Mom, sister and husband so it has just became habit.

singlecellfromearth · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Thanks Mom"

McDankMeister · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a little late to the party, but one time I was at the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas. It had just opened and the sun was still up.

I walked up to the vendor booth and tried to get the attendants attention from the side of the booth. I said “Excuse me” a couple times, and I was starting to get a little annoyed so I tapped on their shoulder. It was only then that I realized I was talking to a mannequin with a shirt and a hat on.

A group of people was looking at me and laughing. I surely must have looked like I was not in my right mind lol. 😂

ineedzthegreen69 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to be a bar backat a restaurant, grabbed 2 buckets of ice to fill the ice wells and totally walked past he bar and right out the front door. Then I just stood there like the fuck am I doing, as customers watched me confused. Tried to play it off by saying "hey they said it was out here" before running quickly back inside

DirtyArchaeologist · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tell people “you too” when they tell me Happy Birthday. Happens every year.

TheLastSamurai · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Paid for gas, got in my car and drove away onto the free way. It would have been a huge detour to turn around so I just said fuck it and got gas somewhere else.

RexRegulus · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally called my teacher "mom" back in primary school.

More recently, I responded to a work email. Waited hours for a response from customer service only to realize that I emailed myself with no one CC'd.

ScienceUnicorn · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven to one friend’s house when I was going to see someone else. I realized it before I got there, but I did do it more than once. To be fair, they didn’t live that far apart, and I went to the one friend’s house a lot more often.

More recently, at work I sometimes done out and don’t stop counting and the prescribed amount (I’m a pharmacy tech), then I have to start over. It’s not really embarrassing, just autopilot.

KaptenDust · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While taking notes in math class, accidentaly wrote the date instead of the answer to a question

eddiemoney33 · 1 points · Posted at 00:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I fall in love with women every time I meet them within 3 months. As long as she’s out of my league. No matter how much I vow to do things differently next time.

TMNewtBoy · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking to a colleague at work on a hot day and decided to take off my tie as it was a bit humid etc. The chat we were having was so interesting that I went into autopilot and proceeded to take off my shirt too in the middle of the group office... Luckily my workmates knew me well enough to realise what had happened, although I got plenty of stripper jokes from then on.

Throwawaymypeoplego · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidently called one of my new hires sweetie while thinking of bring sweets for the team before xmas holidays. Been waiting for call from HR since.

schafs · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the vet last week, the vet came in and introduced herself as Dr.Zooey I responded with I'm Dr.Kenn then shook my head and apologized when I realized my mistake

RoyalMasturbator · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to open my car door and decided the best way to do that was lower the window. I was very unhappy that the door wasn't doing what I wanted.

OriginDarkArrow · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After sitting down on my phone for a while I stood up and did the ol' pocket pat to make sure I had everything, but I didn't feel my phone. I went into panic mode until I had the bright idea of using the torch on my phone to try and search for it in my dimly lit room. I searched every part of that room before my torch started to receive a call..

fatdjsin · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

around 8 years old.... i ''woke up'' from semi sleep ....i was peeing in the garbage bin !.... went back to bed .. never heard of it :P

forthevic · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put on my button up shirt as usual, and I must've forgotten the middle two buttons, so the cashier got a big view of my boobs when I went to buy lunch for later. Also, I once forgot my pants going to work. Also, I accidentally put on two black shoes that didn't match to work.

Sev3nbelow · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boiled the kettle for some much needed tea. It finished boiling and I put the whole thing in the fridge.

in_casino_0ut · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend and I were discussing the number pad at a drive up atm not being very easy to use if you were blind. Like it didn't have a dot on the 5. Then we realized it was a drive up atm.

x_R_x · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have automatic sinks at work.

So many times I go up to other sinks and wait for the water to come on.

Done_With_That_One · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to walk to my neighborhood 7/11 to get a big gulp frequently. It was a daily habit for me for a long time. One day I was driving home from work and decided to swing and grab one on the way.

As i stated before, I usually walked there and walked home with my drink and completely forgot about my car. A couple hours later, I found myself needing to head out on an errand and stepped outside the house to see no car in the driveway.

I flipped out thinking that it had been stolen. I even reported it to the police. It wasn't until much later when I was borrowing my roommate's car that I saw mine still sitting in the 7/11 parking lot waiting for me.

My friends gave me shit over this for a long time.

BushWeedCornTrash · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Say "I love you" while leaving a customers house.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to use my key fob for my truck to unlock my front door way too often.

404_500 · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just did this today. Threw my wallet into trash with the trash. Worst thing is, i realized it in the train when i had to get my pass. So i lost my wallet with all my cards, license and some cash, because I am an idiot on autopilot.

whofliesthetardis · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if this fits but

I have numerous times came home from work around 430-5pm and taken a nap. Only to wake up around 830-9pm, instinctively looked at my clock and saw the time and just assumed I was late to work. Called my boss at home and said I’m sorry I’m running late and I’m on my way. First few times the boss was like...ummmm it’s 830PM dumbass. Eventually he has just stopped responding and says ok. I’ve made it half way to work before realizing my mistake. Only because traffic was so light and my morning radio show was not on.

MrRedneck · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered my phone with "Welcome to [company I was working for], my name is MrRedneck, how can I help?"

I was at home, on a Saturday. I wasn't working. It was my mother in law. She thought it was hilarious. That's when I knew I needed to get out of retail.

KimJungFu · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting texts from people and working in call centers are a bad way to say something weird. I've said "Welcome to x you are talking to mom" Or insert mom with name of the person who were texting you.

GMR315 · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lived the last 10 years of my life.

NovelTAcct · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to crank my P.O. box

SittingInAnAirport · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently discovered I have a brain tumor... and now I'm learning about a lot of things that I've done on autopilot that suck.

Ugh.

Antielectron · 1 points · Posted at 00:47:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I check my pockets as I drive off to make sure I didn't forget anything.

Checked myself one time and was shocked that I forgot my keys and my phone. (Keys were in ignition and phone was on dash mount using gps.)

ty_fighter84 · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been working some crazy hours, so my sleep schedule had been thrown all off.

I lay down for a nap around 2pm on a Sunday and wake up at 6pm.

In my confused state, I assume it's morning and I get up, shower, get a bowl of cereal and start eating it on the couch.

My roommate turns to me and goes, "you know it's 6:30 IN THE EVENING right?"

cowboiiii · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a temp job enrolling at a college, and it's so repetitive, whenever they're finished, I handed them back whatever they gave me, and thanked them for coming. Did this literally all day 9 till 7. After I finished I went out with friends and one of them had to leave so I handed them they're jacket and said "thanks for enrolli..." and trailed off. She just started at me confused and walked away

newsonar · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At Dunkins, ordered a bacon, egg and cheese with sausage.

whatisabaggins55 · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to make a bowl of cereal, somehow my brain defaulted to "rinse out the bowl in the sink" mode and I ended up dousing my Shreddies in tap water instead of milk.

Kakashi-Madara · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling a lady sir or a man ma’am at work 😂 It’s ALWAYS awkward lmao

randomnina · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled my friend's coffee cup away from the edge of the table. I had preschoolera at the time, so it was a reflex. To my childless friend, super weird.

kiirrstennn · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Using my public transport card to pay for something in the store, instead of using my debit card.

3sheetz · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been playing CS:GO and first person shooters for so long that anytime I kill someone in a different game, I take my knife out to run faster.

ashbot28 · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Being married to a manchild as well as having a two year old I often start scolding my husband and calling him by my sons name.

LordBran · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove up to a T, and sat there for 5 minutes wondering “when tf is this light gonna change”

Then I realized it’s a stop sign.

JayPi12 · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I crossed the street, then I went back, then I crossed the street again and then I realized I had to go back again. This was done in just one green light.

palexander_6 · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pressed my automatic car unlock button repeatedly to unlock the front door.

PickleInDaButt · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I was at Drill Sergeant school. We were sitting in an auditorium and basically getting our ass chewed by this animated First Sergeant for the course who always yells at us. I hated this school. I hated being yelled at constantly. I hated the bull shit motivation yelling. I just wanted to go back to my barracks room after sneaking in some beer in the barracks and pretend like it's already over. While sitting, I go into auto-pilot and just zone out. I think I was thinking about pizza probably as there was a cool pizza place outside of Fort Jackson that I liked. Because of this, I'm getting hungry thinking about that delicious pizza and really, really zoning out while we are all getting yelled at.

I think I hear something along the lines of "Who wants to be here" and I think everyone raises a hand. This was a pretty common occurrence at the school. I raise my hand like everyone else so I can continue thinking about that pizza and beer. My thoughts were inaccurate.

Suddenly I realize the yelling has stopped and I hear "Do you have something to add SSG Pickleindabutt?" I come out of it. I am the only fucking person raising my hand.

"Fuck fucking fuck cocksucker god fucking shit fuck ass god damnit fuck.... FUCK" I think to myself.

I slowly stand up. Go into the appropriate position of parade-rest...

"First Sergeant, I agree with you. We should be motivated and driven for our soon to be trainees so that can provide the Army with the best soldiers. I am excited for this new role and extremely proud to be a candidate for the United States Army Drill Sergeant School. This we'll defend."

Everyone is staring at me. First Sergeant is too. It feels like an eternity.

"Well said Staff Sergeant. That motivates me too." He nods in approval and goes right back to his speech.

I sit back down. My buddy sitting beside me who knows I don't drink the fucking Kool-Aid leans over and is like "Bro what the fuck was that. You don't say shit like that."

"Dude I thought we all were raising our hand or some bull shit. I totally was in space cadet mode."

He later told me that he was zoning out too and was utterly shocked when I randomly raised my hand. I apparently didn't hear him when he was like "Dude, dude, dude, put your hand down or he'll see us..."

WaR_SPiRiT · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked up to a guy at work and instead of saying "can I help you" I said "can I have your email address for a copy of your receipt?"

ibellabeau · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll occasionally put dairy products into cupboards. Milk with the glasses, cheese in a silverware drawer, and so on. I've gotten better at catching myself but it still feels ridiculous when I do it.

DDsLaboratory · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at Target I tried to grab my cart and ended up walking a customers cart across the entire store

mollyjolly1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to avoid cold food (like ice cream) due to sensitive teeth. I usually always tend to go towards warm food (like soups) So I started using a toothpaste that helps with sensitivity. So one time hanging around friends they brought out ice cream. I grab a spoon full and start blowing on it. Everyone looked at me weird lol

Allprolol · 1 points · Posted at 00:48:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today!

I work retail and this week has been hectic, one of my associates walked past behind me while I was fixing something. All of a sudden I hear "Where do I put this?" Me thinking this is the same associate that had just passed me I replied with "In my ass" as I turned to direct her, but no, it was a guest in my store. Her face went from confused to laughter. I just looked at her and left.

Creeperclaus · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up in the middle of the night and got up to use the bathroom, ended up walking into my parents bedroom and sleeping the rest of the night at the foot of their bed. I never even entered the bathroom.

RexUniversum · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured coffee creamer into a bowl of salad instead of the mug of coffee I hadn't yet removed from the coffeemaker. Still ate the salad.

Tucker717 · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When someone tells me to “enjoy my meal” I’ll say “you too” even though they are just working the register and don’t have a meal lol

thesuper88 · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh! Wore two different shoes to work. Like one white and one dark grey...

3one3 · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Frantically looking for my cell phone while simultaneously talking to someone on it. Like to the point of saying, “hold on, I can’t find my phone.”

bosswick · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually take the trash out to the dumpster in the morning before I walk to my car to go to work. Once... Or maybe a few times... I've thrown my keys into the dumpster and start walking to my car. Feel the bag of trash hit my leg as I walk and then stare at my empty hand wondering why it has betrayed me like this.

chitowntopugetsound · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like I am constantly saying words on my mind instead of the words that I mean to say at the moment, so usually the last word of a sentence I am trying to say ends up somewhere in the middle of the spoken sentence. It drives me especially crazy when making a joke but I give away my own punch line.

ragesyrup · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my defense I was slightly stoned and the cashier caught me off guard. I was at a checkout lane at Walmart and I had casually mentioned to my friend who was with me that I wasn't upset that I have to pay back my mom for the financial help she gives me, I'm just upset that I put her out the money in the first place. And the checkout lady said "You shouldn't be upset in a checkout lane!" and I was so flabbergasted that I kind of zoned out for the transaction. I don't remember what she was saying but I remember her voice trailing off as she watched me try to put a $20 into the card reader. When I realized I was doing, I busted out laughing. She swore she wouldn't tell a soul and I said "You better tell all the souls! THAT WAS COMIC GOLD." and my friend and I laughed all the way to the car about how weird I am. lol

TL;DR

I tried to put a $20 into the credit card thing in a checkout line at Walmart

LordAlfrey · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forgot to take off PJs before going to school (primary). It wasn't until I went to bed and took off my clothes that I realised what I'd done. Was weird going to bed without putting on PJs, because they were already on.

YumiYona · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mindlessly followed the person in front of me into the wrong changing room at school

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Embarrassing/creepy: a girl was standing sideways to me with a button up shirt and I was staring down it. She caught me after a few seconds and it wasn't until that moment I really thought about what I was doing. Oops.

SmellMilk · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldn’t figure out where I left my glasses. The next day, my roommate found them in the fridge.

NikGreene · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once, um, ‘getting indelicate’ with one of a few somewhat long term partners. In the middle of things, while not even thinking, I asked, “So are you originally from the Townsville area?”

Completely killed the mood.

vagrantheather · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made my morning coffee, poured a nice big cup, added more grounds to the cup instead of sugar. Ugh. Was running too late to make more and just had to go without coffee that day.

Laced my belt through each loop and couldn't fasten it. Realized I put the belt on the opposite way of usual. Why?? Why is this part of autopilot? I never put my belt on that way. Muscle memory is dumb.

Austin-the-birb · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to seventh hour when it was really sixth hour . The teacher knew right away that it was an autopilot thing and was just like soo you decided to come to class early and it took me a while realize what was wrong. It had been a really long day.

spaghetticlamps · 1 points · Posted at 00:49:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Definitely could've been worse, but ex CM from Disney, I still double finger point, have eliminated "I don't know" from my brain, and do a dumb bend and scoop to pick things up

ILoveJesus247 · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

have my gatorade squeeze water bottle in the gym and casually twist off the top and dump it all over my mouth/face.

UnhappyLettuce · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
 Folded a freshly cleaned load of socks into balls. Took the basket of them to my room to put them in my drawer, but for some reason I kept walking and went to my bathroom, where I proceeded to dump all of the socks into the trash can. 
 The next task of pulling clean, folded socks out of a dirty trash can was pretty humiliating.
FranchiseDC · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put all the clean dishes in the fridge, and all the leftovers in the cabinets. Didn't realize I did this until I went to grab a glass a couple hours later.

arseguitarse · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was peeling a banana to put in the smoothie. Tossed the banana into the trash and the peel into the blender.

JackDenninger · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instead of saying "bye" to my best friend of 10 years after having a long late night convo in his car, i said "are you ready?" like we had to emotionally prepare ourselves to leave each other.

GraveyardSkatepark93 · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time at a convenience store, I was at the counter getting a pack of cigarettes. The fella in front of me was buying like just a small red winter hat, like a beanie, and chit chatting with the clerk. So i paid for my cigarettes and zoned out as i walked away from the counter I totally just took the guy's beanie off the counter and started to walk out the door. He was obviously, off put and it was tough to convince him that I wasn't trying to steal it, It was just kinda this thing that happened because of autopilot. Weird.

LemonPigeon · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed my ex on the cheek. He was understandably confused.

AFSidePiece · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “I love you” to the guy on the other end of the phone. Wasn’t my husband. 😩

TheJumpingPenis · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a teenager and my parents smoke. Did my school then work, and got home shortly after 8. Dinner was ready, so we all sat down. My dad was switching up cigarettes since he wanted something lighter. I was trying to think of the brand of cigarette that he had before, and i said "Didn't you try those camel toes last week?" He and my step-mom started cracking up and then i had realized what i said.

demonic_pug · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling a teacher “mom.” I cringe just even thinking about it. And it was in 4th grade!

lukesenna1998 · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was watching a new pupg video while walking on the sidewalk, heard shots and almost ran into traffic. fortunately I remembered that it was just a video

SodGod · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really hungover one day and was watching a movie while waiting to die on the couch. I went to go change the channel on the remote. Channel 503 on directv. And instead of hitting 503 on the remote I sent the text 503 to my fiance.

Not my proudest moment.

TheRaith · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often have moments where my brain says I need to go one way and my body doesn't know why, so I stand in place pivoting back and forth for maybe 10-20 seconds before I can break through the confusion.

bertoshea · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on the way to work in the morning and put out the trash on the way.

Threw the garbage in the dumpster, then took the bag from my other hand with my lunch and my wife's and threw that in as well.

Sickening cracking sound as the delicious Chinese food we had saved from the day before hit the bottom of the dumpster.

Thought my wife was going to kill me, she still laughs at me

Clancy_B_Shanty · 1 points · Posted at 00:50:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I finished an entire pizza (was working nightshifts at the time), and I sorta "came to" and I didn't understand what happened to my pizza. I was so upset, because I love pizza, especially homemade pizza. My sister still busts my chops about this.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

When getting food, I absentmindedly starting picking food off some woman’s plate and eating it in front of her. I didn’t realize what I was doing until she told me to please stop eating her food. I must have been about 16-17 years old at the time. I’ve never done that before or since. I still don’t understand how or why that happened.

lastnamesrage · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just happened literally a hr ago. Woke up hungry and poured myself a bowl of rice krispies and normally I fuck with cold milk but I'vr got a chest cold so j decided to warm it up in the microwave. Set it for 1min and it took about half that time to realize I didnt even pour the milk in. Just a lil fuck you from my still half asleep brain .

notaparody · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While making breakfast, I cracked eggs and dropped the yolks straight into the trash can.

Albg111 · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After an exhausting martial arts graduation day and party night. I woke up tired as fuck the next morning and went to use the bathroom for #1 while the husband was brushing his teeth... in the bathroom. Most embarrassing thing I've done in front of him. I threw a towel over my head to cover my shame because there was no stopping what I had already started.

homestar_ssbm · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Super late comment, but one time I was brushing my teeth and when I was done I turned my head away from the sink and spit out all over the floor. Complete mess. Still have no idea what I was thinking...

chocolatewaltz · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my mom. She was walking the dog and was carrying two plastic bags, one for poop and one with her cell phone. Threw the cell phone in the trash and carries the dog poop home. Luckily she returned to find the cell phone intact!

dtyler86 · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got one of the ancestry.com tests. I was taking my trash to the trash chute in my apt building one night and instead of tossing the garbage bag and mailing the box with the test, I threw the text down the chute. I immediately knew I fucked up. Went down to the dumpster and used two brooms sitting there to pick it up like chopsticks

Dionne94 · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work and wasn’t supposed to have my phone at my desk, but I was mid text argument with my boyfriend at the time.

I was trying to be discreet when my manager walked over and asked what I’d done (meaning how much paperwork had I got through) to which I loudly replied “what do you MEAN what have I done?”

...I shouted at my boss. It just totally slipped out, I put my phone away in my desk and apologised. Everyone in the office looked at me like I was insane. I was so embarrassed.

Glad to be rid of that guy, and that job.

Kanox89 · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Currently drunk and in a car, and I didn't order a taxi... Will keep you updated if conscience :)

Oh, and thank God for auto correct :d

gadzooks1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found my missing trainers, after a night out, 2 days later in the freezer

ivladon · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Colleague hands over his laptop for help, immediately smash shortcuts that I personally set up on my own laptop, get really angry when it doesn't work

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:51:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Searched frantically for my cell phone... While talking on my cellphone about how upset I am that I can't find my phone.

_StatesTheObvious · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the TSA line at the airport when it was my turn soon. So, I took off my jacket, my shoes, my belt, undid my pants button and then zipper, realized I'm not home, zipped and buttoned back up.

Dylock91 · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working insanely long hours in a Tele sales job, waking up at weird hours to sell different events. I went to the toilet and got my dick out to pee, I look down and I was about to start peeing in the paper towels bin.

TeaHacker · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn't find my phone one night. So I take my phone out of my pocket, turn the flashlight on to find my phone in the dark. Took me 2 minutes of searching before I realized I was a dumbass.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started walking out of a gas station with a fountain drink forgetting to pay, and the cashier called to me. I realized my goof and went straight back in starting to apologize. Then an old guy in line started yelling at me for stealing and calling me a thief. I thought he was joking and I tried to explain it was a mistake, but he just said I was going to hell for it and said he would attack me if I had tried walking away, so yea that was fun.

CaliBounded · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but there was this Twitter post where this kid tried to take a sip from his phone and threw his cup of juice on his bed. It tickles me and my boyfriend every time we think of it.

Zyquil · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "It got picked up, can you kindly drop it?" Instead of "I dropped it, can you kindly pick it up?" When I dropped my wallet. I was really sleep deprived at that time

DrValentin · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I set down my things in the breakroom and pressed the lock button on my key fob so nobody took anything.

DirtyArchaeologist · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Look for things I’m holding

Yamato-Lee · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

talking to my girlfriend about senior superlatives a while ago

Me: "yeah initially I told people not to vote for you"

DrBasia · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was holding a drink in a cup and my brother asked me what time it was.

Spilled it all over myself.

CoryKeepers · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t know if this counts, but I went to sleep on night. When I woke up I was in the guest room bathroom with lights off and door closed. In fact I had walked through 3 doors and closed that last one. When I woke up I thought I was having a messed up dream based on my claustrophobia, but eventually I found a toilet and felt retarded.

Inqinity · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sunday roast. I once went to pour my drink - or pour my gravy, not sure which, and ended up pouring a little bit of orange juice over my dinner instead. Fun times

djsantadad · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slammed my nose onto a countertop because I like to lean over when I really laugh. I was over doing it to flirt with a girl and I ended up with a bloody nose.

rrnapier · 1 points · Posted at 00:52:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a student ambulance technician (EMT equivalent in the UK) and driving back to hospital with our last patient of a busy day shift I indicate left to exit the roundabout. Which would be fine, except that was the way to my flat and not to hospital.

Not sure the patient would have been too impressed turning up at my flat, would have given them tea and biccies though.

buncuddler2000 · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a call to a client to confirm an appointment. Phone rings and they answer "Hello?"

Me: "Thanks for calling the vet hospital, this is BunCuddler, how can I assist you?"

Thankfully they were a regular with a good sense of humor.

tf199280 · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After leaving a wedding, my friend was going to surprise his gf and drive to Las Vegas instead of home. Great surprise right? Well as they were walking out the door, I yelled “Have fun in Vega...blbmbmm” and buried my face in a nearby pillow.

ipickankles · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was getting ready for bed, grabbed a glass of water and proceeded to put my car keys in the glass instead of my nightstand

-illegible- · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to put a horse out in the paddock at the barn I go to and I led him to the gate on his halter. Before even opening the gate, I just instinctively go to take the halter off and before I realize that we aren’t IN the paddock, I’ve completely taken it off and the horse is just.. freed. Thank god he just decided to eat some grass and didn’t sprint off before I realized how completely stupid I am and got him inside safely.

bushfakedmoonlanding · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving late at night: accidentally treated a stop light like a stop sign. I have done this more than once unfortunately, but thankfully have never gotten in an accident from it

brockNrock · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter said " Enjoy your meal"

I (dumbass) said "you too"

Tablecork · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ate a spider on impulse.

My friend had a baby spider in her hand and put in on my hand. Without thinking, I just thought it in and swallowed it whole.

rainbowcanoe · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

tied to unlock my front door by clicking the unlock button on my car key and wondering why it wasn’t working

tollitus · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up late for work kept telling my partner to wake up (baby was awake) Except I wasn't calling my partners name I was shouting for my brother to wake up. She kept telling me she wasn't my brother but for what ever reason for the ten minutes I was frantically running around the house I could not say my partners name once. I haven't shared a bed with my brother since we were kids but I remember always demanding him to wake up because we were late for school.

bectro · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not a major one - but this just happened now as I'm reading this all.

I've moved to England from Canada, and the two places don't look a whole lot different.

Sometimes if I'm on the bus or walking, the architecture or street lay out will fuck with me so hard my brain goes back to my old walking or bus routine from home and instantly I'm like "wait that's literally across an ocean and nowhere near here."

scorcher117 · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the kitchen and stepped up the bin and was about to take my dick out to piss and had a "wait a minute" moment, I think my brain just connected them because they are the two rooms in the house with a sink/plumbing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called an elementary school teacher ‘mom’ when she told me to tie my shoes

ride5150 · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Checking out at a duty-free shop at ohare:

Cashier: "Thanks have a good flight"

Me: "You too!!!!"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I just reached out and grabbed a hot curling iron. I have no idea why I did it, it was just one of those "what if I jumped?" moments and my impulse control didn't kick in.

IwishIwasGoku · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured water onto my plate and drank hot sauce

edgeofnihlism · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Busy night working at a bar, asked someone for ID when they were buying water... Didn't realize until my friend told me the next day...

djeclipz · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Them, "Have a nice trip!"... Me, "You too."

They weren't going anywhere.

Elaquore · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I originally wrote this as a child comment, but it fits the question so I'll pop it in as a parent comment also.
I live less than a minute walk from the supermarket, so I never drive there, unless very occasionally if I need something and I'm on my way home from somewhere else. I have lived here for almost 11 years now and you would not believe the amount of times I've stopped in the supermarket on my way home, got my bread and milk, walked home and not realised until the morning that I left my car at the supermarket overnight. Again. This is why I don't have a dog. Also this reminds me, many years ago I took my mums dog for a walk and stopped in the supermarket. Tied the dog up outside, walked back to my mums, 'where's the dog?' swift about face and go back for the dog. Lucky only a 5 minute walk each way. I do have children, never left one in the supermarket yet. There's still time. My 5 year old was home sick from school a few weeks ago and I went to the supermarket. When I pay she likes to go play in the passport photo booth. This day I wouldn't let her in case I forgot her as I'm not used to having children with me in the daytime any more. Sorry for the essay, every joke line I wrote reminded me of something else that fits the reply!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to text my wife an "I love you, you're beautiful, and hope you have a wonderful day because you're amazing" message except I sent it to the last person I was texting, which was my weed dealer

QuotableSlayer · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I filled up the washing machine soap drawer with dog food mix.

_mad_adventures · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shat my pants.

anotherjadedmeerkat · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with low incidence kids with special needs, if I or the other teachers have to talk about something unpleasant( not curses) or surprises we don't want the kids to know about and cant get away we'll spell it out... now I catch myself outside of school spelling out unpleasant stuff including curses to my adult friends. It's hard to switch it off

mechanizzm · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Around the early 2000’s I was sitting on the kitchen counter most likely playing on my gameboy when my mom came in and I mentioned I was hungry and she said why don’t you eat that potato in there (the fridge) and I said as nonchalantly as ever that “ I deleted it. “

I burst out laughing after I realised what I said and my mom was just unphased because she understood what I meant. I threw it away. (It was at the inedible level) Damn kids and their technologies.

TheSupremist · 1 points · Posted at 00:53:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks ago I literally poured coffee in the sugar pot thinking it was my cup

8756314039380142 · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not listening to what people say before responding to them.

"How's your grandma?"

"Not too well, she just passed away."

"That's great, glad to hear it!"

"..."

Edit: this specific event didn't happen to me (yet), but plenty of similar situations have

vanguard117 · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother and I shared a room growing up. Every morning when I woke up for school, it was usually dark outside and my brother would be in the shower. I happened to fall asleep early one night, and woke up (what I thought was) the next ‘morning’. It was dark outside and my brother was in the shower so I groggily got up and fully dressed for school. I yelled at my brother to hurry up in the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and hair. He opened the door and gave me a look that I remember to this day - a mix of bewilderment and ‘are you stupid?’ . He asked what the hell I was doing. It was only then that I looked at a clock and realized what I had done. I shuffled back to my bed and fell asleep fully clothed for school the next day.

digitalpj · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I flipped somebody off when I meant to wave at them...

Blazeburn17 · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was young my mom made spaghetti for breakfast and took out some juice to drink with it and I poured the juice into my plate like it was cereal.

Penelepillar · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I set my heading at 26° instead of 28°. Realized I was about 100 miles off when I started flying over water.

Nyx_Weaver · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been saving this story for a thread like this.

I was with my aunt and sister at a Hobby Lobby. We had just walked in, and we're making our past the checkout lanes. Right as we passed them, an elderly woman in line said, in one of the most southern accents I have ever heard, "I'm thinking about getting some stepping stones made."

My brain suddenly decides, "You know what? We're gonna say that back, incredibly loudly, right next to the woman who said, and we're gonna exaggerate her accent, while we're at it. Cool? Cool."

As I'm, literally, right beside this woman, I say, "I'm THINKinnn bought gettin sum steppin stones maaaaaade."

My aunt and sister abandoned me.

ocarinasurge · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in college, I was driving onto a main road from a side street, 5 people in my car. See a line of cars and a stop sign up ahead, I stop behind them.

Like 5 minutes go by and I start going “why the hell is no one moving? There’s no traffic on the main road!”

It was a line of parked cars. Didn’t hear the end of that one for a couple weeks.

Zubei_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bit my finger eating fries?

sauceboss412 · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Using my key fob hitting the unlock button trying to open my locker for work.

HiraethAtRockBottom · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Facing/straitening out items in a grocery store while I shop....I do it for 8 hrs a day and it's very hard not to face things even when I'm off the clock.

CopyAngelTech · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to feed the dog. Scooped the dog food and went over towards the dog dish. Looked at the dog, stepped on the trash can foot pedal and dumped the food in the trash. I have never seen that dog look so devastated before.

Justhavingag00dtyme · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always try to unlock my house with my car lock buttons.

thebestisyetocome · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in restaurants for years and I got very used to getting fountain drinks through a kind of battle royal. Different servers reaching over each other, slipping your arms through however you can to get what you need.

So then for awhile I had an internship as a chaplain at a hospital. I was in the cafeteria and an old lady was getting her drink from a soda fountain. I was taller than her, but I slipped my arm right underneath her outreached arm to get my own drink. She just pulled back and said very sarcastically, "Oh no. Go ahead. I'll wait."

Then she looked down at my badge that said "Pastoral Staff."

Cue major shame.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My university has two campuses that are both about 25 minutes from where I live and about 20 minutes from each other. Until this past semester I had taken all my classes on the north campus; this past semester I had everything on the south campus. See where this is going?

I managed to go to the right campus every single day EXCEPT the day of a lab final. About 2 minutes away from the north campus I realized my mistake. Cue me driving like a crazy person to the south campus to make it to my final.

P.S. I made it and I passed

PessimisticSnake · 1 points · Posted at 00:54:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lady called back to our store frantically trying to find her car keys while driver her car. The response our employee gave was “car keys?” She said “oh never mind their right here in the seat!” But she was also concurrently driving.

roeyjevels · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the linen closet, opened it, pulled out my little boy jimmy, and pissed in the dirty clothes hamper. All on autopilot.

I caught myself after the first squirt and pinched it off and it hurt like hell. Then I wiggled over to the toilet to painfully finish. I told my mom after and she laughed at the absurdity of it.

I nearly did it twice but the second time I stopped myself as soon as I opened the linen closet. I was a weird kid.

Mariocannon25 · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my front door wirelessly with my car keys the other day.

werthegamerg0rl5 · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was handed a microphone, I sang happy bday. I was supposed to say my grad speech. I have a reunion tomorrow FML

atomicllama1 · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Half awake jerked off next to a perfectly good sleeping GF.

snowflake_alpha · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend told me not to look at the pile of dishes in her sink - I went and looked right at the dishes in the sink.

Tugays_Tabs · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed a pint off the drip tray rather than being handed it. Was weird. You had to be there.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when leaving a law firm for a job interview I said “have a good night”. It was 12 PM.

I called back for a second interview but didn’t get hired. Could have been more because I was super nervous.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Police officer. Just got done working a 16 hour shift after volunteering to stay a little longer. Car in front of me had no plate and I immediately went to reach for the non-existent radio.

DarkPhoenix1993 · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought a bra online, had to pick it up instore. Male clerk said to enjoy my purchase, I said you too cringe ah I'll never live that down!!

kreactor · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  1. I have poured the milk into the trash and nearly thrown the container into the milk.

  2. Also since my friends and I are retarded, while trying to to buy a coke I put a 2€ coin in my left hand, because the right hand was holding the coke. Of course when ask for payment I held forth my right hand.

  3. Once I tried to ride an elivator, I hope I wrote it correctly, an esclator for even lazier people. So the friend and I enter that stupid thing and we are talking about some S. M. A. R. T . stuff cause we are idiots. And suddenly the lights go out... We forgot to prese a button for the floor.

  4. Going sleepy now hope somebody enjoys it

balddudesrock · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be in the Navy. Even 20 years later, I STILL say “Say Again?” If I didn’t catch what someone said.

theCHAMPdotcom · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Power went out and forgot to set the clock, the alarm went off at midnight slammed it woke up baffled why I was so tired.

5parky · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cereal in the refrigerator. Guess where the milk was...

Dick_In_A_Tardis · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pissed in the trash can spit my mouth wash in the toilet and tossed my floss in the sink.

Zanesmustache · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a forklift driver, very similar to driving a car but where the turn signal is on a car is where the gear shift is on the forklift. The number of times I’ve turned on my left turn signal in my car and to my amazement not started going in reverse pains me to admit.

MarysNemo · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my Teacher mum.

datacollect_ct · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fart loudly in public.

skeptisage · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended up trying to drink a bucket of popcorn at a movie, it ended up in my lap and the floor. We were young and broke I cried a little.

Team_speak · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hopped into the shower still wearing underwear

Voxit · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Face wash on my toothbrush instead of my toothpaste...

markoyolo · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work retail, and at my store we try to greet everyone who walks in. After a long shift I’m riding the train home, standing and facing the door. We stop, the door opens, and I smile widely at the people boarding and say, “Hey! Welcome!” Got some suspicious stares and nods in return. Whoopsie.

Dyslexicfetus · 1 points · Posted at 00:55:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pissed all over my bedroom door in the middle of the night a couple years ago. My girlfriend turned the light on and screamed, asking me what the hell I was doing. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, and then immediately after i finished I snapped out of it and was like “What the f*** did I just do?”

Sola_Solace · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few months after getting married a coworker asked me how I spell my last name. I spelled my maiden name and they all turned with such a look of confusion and then we all busted up laughing.

OneHandedMolly · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking to my now hubby on the phone when we were dating, trying to leave my house. I was telling him I couldn't find my phone, and he was telling me all these places to look while trying not to laugh. I finally realized I was talking to him on the phone I was looking for...

jessievonghoul · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got off from work, headed straight to boyfriend's house instead of my own.

Explanation: I spend half the week at home, the other half and weekend I'm with him. Was thinking about him and auto pilot towards his house.

Tacarub · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to business trip to Paris , got hammered with my boss getting super drunk . Went to my room in the hotel . About an hour later i woke up with an urge to piss . Open the door and went to hallway thinking its the bathroom , suddenly realized i am in the hallway , butt naked with an urge to piss and my door is closed . Had to wake up my boss next door to have him to call reception to get an extra key . The receptionist didnt even bat an eye . Just gave me the key and fucked off . Have to say it was an awkward breakfast the next day .

Cloud_Disconnected · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My 20s.

_Alphabrah · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had my head out my car window and thought to myself wtf why is my window open? So I start to pull it up with my head outside still and choked myself

nellen291 · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my apartment door with my cars key fob. Happened just today... Not my brightest moment.

orange-accent-wall · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife’s first week at a previous job, she was on the phone with a colleague who worked in a different building. They were talking about something mundane. At the end of the conversation she said “OK bye, love you!” and hung up before she realized what she’d said. Her colleague never said anything but she couldn’t look at her the same way again.

Hindu_Wardrobe · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

threw my keys in the trash and kept the trash in my hands

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up in the middle of the night, assumed it was time for school, and proceeded to hop in the shower and get ready. Only realized it was 3am when my roommate mumbled “what the f*** are you doing” after I woke him up.

edit: I have done this like 5 times before

jtherattler · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was playing PS4 one night and went to grab a beer from the fridge, came back in the living room and spent 10 minutes looking for where I had placed my controller until I finally found it in the fridge

montrealredditor · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving to work and had my 3 year old daughter in the backseat. I usually drop her off at daycare but this time I put her behind my seat because there was sun on the right side of the car. Then she fell asleep, so I forgot she was there. I got all the way to work and went in. Well, after work I go home and my wife asks where our daughter is. I completely forgot to pick her up from daycare. So I drive to the daycare late and suddenly remember I wasn't there in the morning. I rush back to the car and well, it was 120 degrees that day and she had been in the car for more than 8 hours. I got 5 years in prison for child abuse and neglect. The prosecutors felt sorry for me and dropped the homicide charge. Won't do that again!

B1ocka · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving westward and ran into some train tracks, with the train stopped on them. I threw it in reverse, went north one road, and was shocked to discover that I still could not pass because obviously the fucking train was there.

SkywardSpork · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making tea and cereal, everything went in the wrong place, tea box went onto the kettle stand, kettle went into the fridge, cereal went where the tea sits and milk into the cereal cuppboard. Only noticed about 10 minutes later.

EastSideFishMurder · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thrown out utensils and put garbage in the sink

maloush · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the movies after a musical performance ends I’ve done a sad solitary clap because I forget I’m not in the on screen audience.

kroenem · 1 points · Posted at 00:56:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dead tired, on auto pilot I asked a McDonalds cashier at 9 am ‘hahaha I was going to order hotdogs with bacon, I’m so tired’

Then proceeded to do just that, meaning hot cakes.

readingonthetoilet · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making mac and cheese while watching TV when the water started boiling. I took out the cheese mix package from the box, tore it open and poured it straight into the boiling water. I had no idea what I'd done until a puff of the cheese powder blew up into my eye after it hit the boiling water. I looked down at the fucked up mess I just created and was totally stunned by my stupidity.

CrazyOkie · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One that I'm sure virtually everyone has done. Getting out of Uber/Lyft/taxi at the airport, the driver tells me "Have a nice trip" and I respond "You too!"

Riverswatch · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work retail and after a ling day of waiting on people I went to my local supermarket. I shopped, stood in line and when it was my turn, I put everything on the counter then said hello to the c ashier and asked if he found everything ok. It took me a beat or 2 to notice I was wrong lol.

d0bermann · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a 36 hour work marathon, walked to kitchen in the office with the intention of getting some tea, came back to my desk with the boiling kettle instead and tried to pour it to my coffee stained mug that was laying on my desk for quite a while. Until my co-worker pointed it out, it was totally ok for me to pour tea from the kettle to a coffee mug while sitting on my desk instead of doing all these in the kitchen, with a clean mug.

damnitjeffy · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picking my nose in the car. Lol. I always notice when other people do it so I know they notice too.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my chocolate bar in the bin, bit the wrapper :(

appolo11 · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told some of my clients "I love you" at the end of a phone call because it was so automatic.

gogoplatter · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my front door with my remote car key. For like 30 seconds. And got angry when it wouldn't unlock.

emilanov · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm done showering, sometimes I will wipe my ears with Q-Tips. If I do that and brush my hair afterwards, 99% of the time I will immediately throw away my hairbrush. As soon as it leaves my hand, I know it's wrong.

designOraptor · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going to make my morning pot of coffee. Put the filter in, then put the whole beans in the filter rather than grinding them up first.

AndreaArtist · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying “Love you” to my boss before hanging up the phone instead of “good bye”

laxstripper88 · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a hockey game. My first one in a while. Normally I stream it at home. Sometimes the stream is behind so I turn my phone on silent so the nhl app wont update me that someone scored before I see it. What do I do... turn my phone to silent at the game thinking I dont want to know if something happens before it does! I WAS AT THE GAME! I'm not a smart man.

Taral_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in middle school, I woke up in panic because I had missed the bus. Woke up my dad, who was just as tired as I was, and he drove me there. He drops me off, I walk up to the school's gate... And it's closed.

Turns out it was 4AM, not 7. My dad had not noticed either, so he went back to sleep as soon as he got home. I was NOT happy about it at the time, I find it hilarious now

Peruvian_thinker · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in a 3rd floor of a building. Every night I walked my dog in the Park that is right outside my building, I do the same every night after eating dinner. Once I was already at the park when I realized I forgot my dog in my apartment. Now is the top story of my family and my dad loves to tell it.

steve0suprem0 · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i got up in the middle of the night, walked into the bathroom, lifted the toilet lid, and let loose.

i woke up to my girlfriend screaming about how i was in the closet pissing in the laundry hamper.

jmckee3 · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Checked front right pocket for my phone, checked back right pocket. Switched my phone from my left hand to my right, checked both left pockets. Searched immediate area, switched phone from right hand to left, then realized it was in my hand the whole time. 5 minute ordeal

BushwhackingCant · 1 points · Posted at 00:57:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I said welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings when I went through the McDonald’s drive through after work

DirtyMonkeyParts · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Standing in line to get into see Pink Floyd many years ago, I was talking to a friend, paying no attention to movement of people around me. I turned and kissed my wife on the top of her head. Her (oh crap) bald (that's not) head (my wife). Yes, I kissed the middle of a complete stranger's bald pate because my wife had moved but autopilot said she was still there.

We all had a chuckle about it, but it's one of those events that still embarrasses the heck out of me.

MaceSpan · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Hey man! How are you?”

“Good how are you?”

“Good! How are you?”

Happened like 30 seconds ago. I will now spend my break contemplating life

taylorink8 · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was 18-19 and just got home from my buddies after smoking a bunch. I walk into the kitchen and my mom is putting dishes away and she starts talking to me about her day and random stuff. She likes to talk a lot. After a few min she asks me if I'm okay and I said "I don't know mom I'm high as fuck" and kept on going with making a sandwich. Needless to say she wasn't happy...

Antoinedawsin · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought this post was talking about tesla car autopilot

moelf · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Open a large milk, lift lid of a cup, pour milk, toss milk cap into the cup and try to fit cup lid onto the milk bottle.

jequalnation · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opened a carton of milk, remembered I need to shake the carton, proceeded to shake an entire carton of milk all over the kitchen floor because I didn’t think to put the cap back on.

FireCasteElite · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Little late, but this is by far one of the most embarrassing moments I've ever had. To understand though you'll need a little back story. Ever since I learned how, whenever I sit down I just can't stop bouncing my legs. And I bounce them hard. I used to rock booths at diners hard. So, to stop me my mom would pinch my knee and then say something in a quiet voice to get me to stop, usually a threat to my continued existence.

Now, at the time I was 20 years old. I'd known my friend was gay, but he'd never really come out. I was at his dad's place with his 2 brothers, and he'd just come back from a trip to Japan with his older brother. He'd come out on his trip to him, and tonight was the night he decided to come out to his best friend (me) and their younger brother. Him being nervous and us being the stoners we were, we got fucking blazed then went outside to relax. Unfortunately it was the dead of winter and I, being an idiot while high, decided I'd be fine without my jacket. Boy was I wrong. I sat down outside on the porch and started thumping my legs like a damn jackrabbit. And it was at this moment my best friend placed his hand on my knee and said "Firecasteelite, I'm gay." I, being a regular genius, immediately looked up and said "I'm sorry."

Unbeknownst to my best friend, he'd touched the exact place my mom used to squeeze to make me stop bouncing my leg and I'd been acting like my name was Thumper. I see this confused and hurt look cross his face before it dawns on me what I'd just said. I immediately started apologizing like crazy while his brothers started howling with laughter at me, one of them falling out of his chair. I have never been able to live it down, and it's now a pretty common joke when someone says something serious or meaningful for one of us to look right in the other's eyes and say "I'm sorry."

BabyGoatSmell · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every once in a while when I am talking on the phone at work to my older coworker she'll say "ok Love you, bye!" and I usually laugh and say "Love you too" and then she embarrassingly apologizes.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a rush and I have a habit of wearing key rings like an actual ring.

I had a hankering for a pickle, so I slipped the key off and got the pickle, then went to drop the key in the pickle jar. Caught myself at the time but I was confused with my thought process

Black_Xero · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I blew right through the localizer because I forgot to arm NAV mode while I was being vectored onto the ILS. So embarrassing.

Or was this too literal?

Alexap30 · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

1st : answering my mobile phone at home Garden Department how c... ? ahem Hello?

2nd: a colleague handed me a some stuff to be put back to their position. She thanks me, I thank her back in plural as if I was talking to a customer (in my language second person plural and second person singular sound different, unlike in English).

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to take a shower, thought about it so well that the mind movie of me going felt so real I got naked in my room, with my brother there...

LiveliestOfLeaves · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A story about my dad:

He has ONCE in his entire working life been late for work. This happened a few years ago. Ho woke up, and could not find his glasses. He is terribly farsighted, and gets headaches without glasses. He spent over two hours looking for them in his tiny apartment, couldn't find them. He decided he had to get something to eat, and just go to work, get a bew pair of glasses on the way.

He opened the fridge; there lies the pair of glasses. The butter sat on his nightstand.

pacsconcreterose · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a vacation day scheduled for a random Monday. I woke up early drove into to work and clocked in without a single thought. I'd been there for half a day before my supervisor asked why I cancelled my vacation and if I was working the whole day.

Uniqueusername360 · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anything you do in the first hour after taking the first dab of the day

Lucidream- · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone asked me for a can of soda, and I casually shook it pretty hard before giving it to them as if it was the most natural thing ever. They were very confused and a little peeved.

I'm just used to shaking juice and I never have soda, so I just auto shook it.

invsblthnk8 · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting home kind of late from a friends house and not drunk, but very tired. When trying to open my front door, I pulled out my car key, aimed it at the door and pushed the button, then tried to open the door.

Prince_Edward_IV · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate a booger on stage performing a concert

Paleoskeptic · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Often times I’m browsing the internet on my phone, then put my hand in my pocket and feel my wallet but not my phone so I panic.......

hunt9823 · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Tim hortons, I walked into a subway, waited for the person to come out from the back and right before she could say anything I’m like “hi what can I get for you” cue the awkward pause and her laughing at me

Kariyu · 1 points · Posted at 00:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

osu map

AwkwardTootle · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Using the remote car keys on the front door

DeepSpaceSeaweed · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Use my bus pass to unlock my front door

YouKnowWhoIAm17 · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just got out of surgery and was still high from anesthesia and felt this warm feeling in my nether regions and just let it flow then woke up enough to realize the whole bed and my body was covered in piss I stumbled to my closet and then sat down and fell asleep again in front of it, not my proudest moment, I’m male btw

krystalBaltimore · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There is a pizza place behind my house that our family ordered from frequently. So much that they knew our order. One day I called and ordered and as I hung up I said,"I love you." Dude laughed and said "I love you too!" Now every time I call they tell me they love me when they hang up.

Marlfox70 · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to buy milk and after grabbing it I pointed my car keys at the milk door and pushed the lock button.

RyuKyuGaijin · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went in to a 7-11 to get a cup of coffee on my way to work. Poured the coffee into the cup. I then opened up those little flavored creamers and started to pour them into the trash can next to the coffee station instead of my coffee cup. I did this shit about four times and wondered what the cops next to me were laughing about. One of them kinda nodded towards my coffee cup. I never need a cup of coffee more than at that point.

Adieutoyouandyou · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After child rearing years (had five), I would sway and rock when I was standing as if I had a child in my arms. It was a hard habit to break.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slipped a ring on my thumb, the ring was way too small. Had to go to the hospital to get it off, my thumb swole up when I tried to pull it off, like it might burst

normality69 · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I first started wearing contacts I was so used to pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose that I would do it even with no glasses on

Noo_account_hu_dis · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sibling and I were eating at my room one time, and I needed condiments. Let's assume it's ketchup.

My mind was practically on full auto-pilot because I wasn't aware about my surroundings.

When I got to the stairs, I almost tripped and fell face first on the stairs, next I searched for the ketchup in the cupboards, only to stumble upon the fridge where we actually keep it. Continue to get it, and put it on the table. Waited for a few minutes, then head up to my room.

My sibling asked me 'I thought you needed ketchup?'

Only then I realized how I completely forgot about the ketchup I already had in my hands but decided to leave it.

holydawn · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the wrong camper at a campground. There was what felt like an eternal moment where me and the guy who owned the camper were staring at eachother in equal bewilderment as we thought "what the fuck is this guy doing in my camper"

DER_RTTER · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In English class we were discussing parts of wards like post meaning before etc. Well she was talking about free(dom) and I stupidly said "oh like bel-dum." I must admit I wasn't fully paying attention. I guess subconsciously I was being a pokemon master

Zazaki_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whipped my dick out in front of the bin in the kitchen and halfway through peeing in the bin I briefly explained to myself "This is not a toilet", and then discontinued peeing in the bin

livytheolivee · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was running food it to guests at the restaurant I work at and I was handing out salads to a big group.

I got to the last guy and he jokingly asked me how I knew it was his

And me not thinking just said, “Maybe!” awkwardly and ran away

Ya_Boy_Mike_ · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got super drunk on my birthday and decided to have a minecraft lan party with some buddies. I remember starting a really ambitious build... and then taking my last drink at 4am. And nothing else.

I woke up the next morning to a three story mansion that was comparable to some of my best builds.

Toothpaste_kisses · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was chilling on the couch, looking at my phone playing fetch with my dog he was dropping the ball next to me next to me and I was throwing it across the room onto the carpet. Repeated for about ten minutes without me looking away from my phone I throw the ball and hear doggo run and then stop and whine I look and saw that Id accidentally grabbed and thrown the tv remote and he was pawing at it crying wonder wtf had happened to his ball.

-ogre- · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said i love you to a teacher, hella embarrassing.

spigotface · 1 points · Posted at 00:59:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wake up in the morning. Walk groggily into the kitchen. Lift up garbage can lid. Pull penis out, about to pee. Caught myself at the last second like this a few times.

EdgarAllanPoop405 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saw a red light farther down the road. Stopped at the very green light right in front of me. Sat there for probably 2 minutes before I looked up and went "I'm a moron"

khouts1 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in the passenger seat of my car to drive myself home 🤦🏼‍♀️

Chunkybutt777 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh my God, I've got a story for this!

So I use to be server, and I done basically everything on autopilot. As a server, I always kept a drink in the back, cause I drink A LOT! Anywho, i was bussing a table and, without thinking, TOOK A DRINK from one of the glasses sitting on the table 😣😷 I think this qualifies lmao. Needless to say, I was mortified when I realized what I had just done.

crunchybitchboy · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

poured the milk into the box full of chocolate milk mix instead of into the glass lumps ensued

maybehappier · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the gym swimming and sometimes I take a shower in the locker room and sometimes out by the pool. In the locker room it’s fine to take my swimsuit off and rinse it out, but out by the pool... Not so much.

When I caught myself I was furious and later that week I saw signs about members wearing “Appropriate attire” at all times. Now when I rinse off after a swim I double tie my suit before getting under the water and I’m extra cautious.

I have caught myself a few times reaching for the drawstrings and had to jerk my hands away, habits are a bitch.

jackb352001 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my keys in the fridge instead of creamer and subsequently looked for them for an hour

cozyvvwitch · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was rushing to work and for the life of me couldn’t figure out which car door wasn’t latched all the way (the door open light was on) I spent about ten minutes opening and closing all of the doors getting exceedingly frustrated.. when I realized my drivers side door had been wide open the entire time.

jdennis216 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a Martial Arts instructor, when we go on the mats you’re supposed to bow, would end up randomly doing this in public all the time and everyone would think I was weird

imboredanddontknow · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my key out of my car before I put it in drive.

BINMERC · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Learned how to fly.

madowlie · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made a quick call to my husband while working a retail shift. Told him I loved him and hung up then went back to the registers where a customer was waiting for me. The customer was friendly and told me “Hope you have a good day”. I meant to say “you too”, but instead I said “love you too”. My whole face was burning after that slip up.

RobertoPaulson · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This just happened to me two weeks ago. I was finishing up showering after the gym,as I was gathering my things I grabbed my towel off a hook by my shower stall, which of course had another stall in the other side of it. I slung the towel over my shoulder and walked into the locker room, a few seconds later the guy whose towel I stole comes into the locker room wet, butt ass naked, and visibly annoyed. He said “I think you took my towel.” It was at this point I realized I had my towel around my waist, and his towel over my shoulder. Cue awkwardness...

__twin_peaks__ · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our dorms in college were card accessed. Once I tried to unlock my car by swiping my dorm card on the car door.

JasperFJ · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've slapped people out of nowhere.

cmyers4 · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had some mutual touching with an ex ;) Very nerve racking but also very fun

WhiteGirlSays · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hung up a phone call to a customer by saying “Love you, bye!”

rlovepalomar · 1 points · Posted at 01:00:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this question only for tesla owners?

dallasblonde44 · 1 points · Posted at 01:01:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to unlock my front door with my car keys. I pressed the unlock button at least 5 times before I realized.

Saida9292 · 1 points · Posted at 01:01:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock my dorm room door with my car's key fob haha

arbrassard · 1 points · Posted at 01:01:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a delivery driver for Pizza Hut, one day I had a delivery to a house in the same neighborhood as mine, so I didn’t set a GPS cuz I knew the way, ended up driving home and walked inside and got changed. Took me like ten minutes to realize I still had someone’s order just sitting in my car

BENJ4x · 1 points · Posted at 01:01:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my brother has been almost constantly dropping his headphones on the floor today as he's just got a new monitor that doesn't have a hook for headphones unlike his old one.

DEVi4TION · 1 points · Posted at 01:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

went to hangup my phone, turned off car instead

smln_smln · 1 points · Posted at 01:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my phone not realizing it was in my hand and kept screaming at my husband “I lost my phone, where is my phone?!” And then went to call myself on my own damn phone and finally clued in after.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

r/teslamotors would like this one

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally said a joke that I said a few weeks ago in a similar conversation. Someone caught it and I was embarrassed the entire conversation.

curricularguidelines · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened twice in my life. Crossing the street and for some reason, thought green meant "go" for humans.

Richie4876 · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went into the kitchen to get myself a bowl of cereal, I got my cereal, milk and bowl. I filled the bowl and proceeded to put the milk into the shelf where I keep the cereal and I was confused when the box of cereal wouldn't fit into the shelf in the fridge, then I was like oh.... What am I doing....

huhohja · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I just moved into my new place used to come home late a lot from my work. So when I got into my bedroom I'd go to sleep mode immediately, now my work schedule is different and I'm home around six and get something from my bedroom, I'm automated to just start taking clothes off.

gorbygibby · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Paid for my groceries, walked out drove home and forgot my groceries.

xGray3 · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hi! How are you today?"

"Good! How are you today?"

"Good! How are you today?"

Twd_fangirl · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once took a plate out of the kitchen cupboard and poured my pop on it. My husband teased me for weeks.

-Space-Pirate- · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fly a plane

SubliminalAlias · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was running all over the house looking for my phone. Couldn't find it so I asked my roommate to call it. He was taking to long to get to his phone so I pull out the one in my pocket to call it. I didn't didn't even notice until my voicemail asked for my password.

KiloLee · 1 points · Posted at 01:03:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walk around the huge lot at my truck-repair shop, trying to remember why I'm walking around

Takaithepanda · 1 points · Posted at 01:03:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was the time I tried to put a phone in the fridge. That's about all I got.

Twigguh · 1 points · Posted at 01:03:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Play with the tip of my dick. Out side of my clothing not inside of course. Catch my self doing it in public sometimes or with company.

CapCrunch4476 · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Broke up with my girlfriend of a whole year while 30 minutes away from her house. I didn’t even really know I said “it might not be working out” till she started crying.

iDarth · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in quebec, canada. And when a clients get in the store we have to say Bonjour, Hi because you don't know what language the client speaks. After a week of work i was saying bonjour/hi to everyone even my close friends.

pinsypansy · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was 9 i went to pour a glass of OJ at dinner, went straight into my soup

Louis83 · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the atm machine, withdraw €150, take the card and leave the money there.

Merry Christmas, person in line behind me (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

AnnaTheAcolyte · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Genuflected in a movie theater.

Nexrender · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I still answer the phone sometimes with my call center or EMT shtick

_____ fire department. Bingo is first Friday, toy drive is finished and we are staffed. Is this med control, chief business or an emergency?

OkArmordillo · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my wife asked me to put the turkey in the oven and baby in the crib. When I sat down after I was done, my wife yelled after a few minutes “Why is the turkey in the crib?” That must have been a funny sight lol.

Slazman999 · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've thought I lost my phone that I was holding in my hand. I was browsing reddit and wanted to Google something so reached for my phone.

Dr_Movado · 1 points · Posted at 01:04:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on the phone with a friend and trying to get ready to go to work. I said, “ I can’t find it anywhere?”

“Can’t find what?” My friend said.

“My phone.”

sniper246578 · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was checking out at a gas station then I asked the clerk if he wanted a tax receipt or a coupon, like I do to customers at my own job. Then I accidentally almost did it again as I was walking out the door..

CrakAndJaxter · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While working in a call center, I had to transfer the guy to another department

"Alright sir, Joe here is going to take care of you now. I hope you enjoy the rest of your head."

Dude burst out laughing after I said that lol.

Anovan · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

went to push my glasses up with the back of my hand but wasn’t actually wearing them so I ended up doing like a kitty paw on my cheek lol

assaily · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked retail for two years. You have no idea how many times I asked someone if they have a rewards card more than once, sometimes while they're handing it to me, and often times instead of a completely different question.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled a unit down off a rack with the forklift. Only to out it back up without pulling anything.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked around the house looking for my phone for five minutes. It was in my hand the whole time.

JordanTheDingo · 1 points · Posted at 01:05:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a few hours of constant customer serving I switch to autopilot. Usually there's this routine of saying phrases that's melted into my mind

"Hi how are you?"

"Random banter"

"That comes to total"

"Would you like a receipt?"

"Have a good day!"

Well a few times now customers have walked off before I could finish my lines so I instinctively turn to the next customer and say "have a good day". Pretty embarassing when I catch myself out. Or sometimes I'll tongue twist myself and say "have a dood gay". That's even worse.

julgowontcha · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove.

lalunaticxii · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sleep ALOT, when I was a teen it was no different and I'd often wake up groggy for dinner. We were having spaghetti and I wanted a glass of milk too.. poured the milk into my bowl of spaghetti didn't I. My sisters made fun of me and I was so cranky I just left it there and went back to bed

TheTrashman44 · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My life

BatDubb · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw away some trash in the toilet, then went into the kitchen and peed into the garbage can.

HamburgerHoudini · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eaten a fucking ass tbh

biggreencat · 1 points · Posted at 01:06:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

every single day, i press the Up button on the elevator to go down in the morning. I do this, I guess, because it's the first button in the list of elevator buttons.

MadGeekling · 1 points · Posted at 01:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called 911. Did that on autopilot when I was about 10.

PhAm_0h · 1 points · Posted at 01:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to brush my teeth but put toothpaste on my finger instead and started brushing much to the amusement of my roommate walking passed.

DavidGjam · 1 points · Posted at 01:07:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Build an obilisk to ba'al the soul eater

Svilgman · 1 points · Posted at 01:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting on my bike to work I saw a lot of people walking around in orange clothing. Didn't register as I was stressed and late for work as usual.

Only when I walked into the office to find it empty I realised it was a national holiday called Kingsday for which people dress up in orange.

Didn't tell anyone, picked up a bottle of vodka on the way home, I needed to decompress some serious stress from work. The vodka helped 😁

Robbzey · 1 points · Posted at 01:07:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know when people walk in to poles while on their phones? Yep that was me, with lots of people around to see how blind i really am

Little_Pookie · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Helped out two businesses run by my family. Worked at one and then when asked to help out at the other I picked up the phone and said the other store's name instead of the one I was currently at and the customers got confused. Some of them just said "i got the wrong number" and hung up right when I came to my senses.

Prestonsaloser · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my cereal box into the fridge, and almost put the milk in the pantry, I realized what I was doing

Skulfy · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Day my friend's mother passed away, went to see him, he asks me how I'm doing: "Oh, you know, I'm alive." Don't ever let that be your default response.

Smart_and_Sexyy · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What was his response/reaction?

Skulfy · 2 points · Posted at 01:23:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thankfully all my friends are pretty good with dark humor, he so was losing his mind laughing while I buried my face in hands.

tonsid · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a jewellers and had been serving a couple who were getting married, they visited a few times to pick wedding rings, bridesmaid gifts etc. and we had built up a pretty good rapport to the point that they popped in after the wedding to show me their pictures. It's a quiet morning so me and a couple of my colleagues end up chatting to them for about 30 mins and are having a pretty good laugh, it felt so comfortable that I guess I thought I was with some close friends as I shouted 'See you later, love you!' after them as they left! Remember that feeling you got in school when you accidentally called your teacher mam/dad? Yeah that.

JustAnotherRacoon · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making breakfast for my sister and I. Just simple eggs. I had the trash bin next to me to easily toss the cracked eggshells. 2 eggs went with no problems... but the 3rd one, for some reason I cracked and dumped the yolk in the trash. Took about 30 seconds and my sister laughing for me to process what I had done.

bennymc123 · 1 points · Posted at 01:08:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to school with one formal school shoe and one sports shoe on. Didn't notice until I got to assembly.

I then developed a false limp and said I'd hurt my foot and didn't want to get in trouble for wearing trainers.

chadnav · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was flying a plane and I fell asleep

l_SASAMI_l · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When we go through a tunnel or under a bridge on the train I duck every damn time. My husband and daughter find it hilarious.

Yojimbra · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pissed in the trashcan. Perfectly sober.

CriminalVixen · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ordered Arby's at a KFC drive through.

GreenDog3 · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk where the cups go.

Leafy81 · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've told coworkers "Good night, I love you." Instead of "see you tomorrow." It's happened more often than I care to admit.

BBlackFire · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in the day when AOL was popular and I was all about chat rooms I got used to typing brb. Well, I happened to also have a home phone in my room at my parents and one of my sister's friends called and asked if she could talk to her so I instantly responded by saying, "brb" which was followed by a quick, "what?". I cringed, dropped the phone and ran for my sister to pick up her phone. I was 12 and still cringe at the thought.

Sydadeath · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The number of people I've ended the phone call with "alright love you lots" Is immense

HolgEntertain · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on a semi crowded subway train and stood behind some guy. Noticed some dirt on his jacket and dusted it off with my hand. He obviously turned around and I just remember doing some awkward "I'm sorry" face. When I moved away he checked his bags to see if I stole something. 😑

OldAnxiety · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Being born

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn't drive the plane

drmamm · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven to work, when I was not going to work!

freezing_cat_typhoon · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger my neighbor who was probably 10 at the time and I was maybe 16 was saying good night to her parents. She said good night and kissed them and then came to me and went to kiss my forehead. I was also in auto pilot and leaned in and then we both realized what was happening.

InotMeowMeow · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn’t feel like cooking so I made the kids some chicken nuggets in the oven. When the oven timer went off I pulled the pan out, set it in the sink and began to wash it with the chicken nuggets still on it. The kids thought it was hilarious.

Pythagorean20 · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one is a little more scary but I was very embarrassed afterwards. This was one of my first few months driving at 16 and I had gotten used to everything and thought of myself as a pro. So there is this 4 way intersection I was stopped at and as per usual I was waiting listening to music, I guess I was so used to waiting a certain amount of time at this light that I just wasn't paying attention and barely let my foot off the brake and I started rolling into the middle of the intersection while it was still red. A big white suburban came barreling down on the road on the driver side and not expecting me to be there, I saw it but I was still on autopilot. I guess it was fight or flight because just as the car was getting close I gassed the car and sped down the road a ways and stopped to figure out if that really happened. That person stepped on their brakes and turned into the road I came from. If it wasn't for them I'd probably be injured or worse. Super embarrassed and still haven't told my parents.

v0rtigaunts · 1 points · Posted at 01:09:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I came to a stop light and as soon as I came to a full stop I put my car in park and turned off the engine. As soon as my car shut off entirely my brain decided to wake up again. Unfortunately the light had already turned green and the cars behind me had to wait for me to turn everything back on and get moving!

dylanatastic · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Recited the Lord’s Prayer when answering the phone. I was 11 and it turned out to be my dads work associate.

quax747 · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some reason I always try to unlock the door of the flat below mine. I've never lived in it but for some reason, whenever I got the mail from the mailbox and head up the stairs i'll stop one floor short and get annoyed because the key won't fit. The last time it happened was 4 days ago at roughly 2 am...

Middnight_sun · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my previous job I was over at another managers desk and picked up their mug of coffee and almost took a sip before realising I wasn’t at my desk with my mug of coffee. It was a little embarrassing!

LordWizrak · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cliche as it may seem, but I managed to go to school on the first Monday of the summer. Waited for a bit then there’s nobody. Called up my friend then only did I realise what was happening.

OsKarMike1306 · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said to a client "Need a lighter with that bruh ?"

The lady was like 60 years old...

fishycaitlin · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a therapist in a residential treatment facility for adolescent boys. Occasionally I will answer the ringing phone while my pre-coffee brain regurgitates my high-school job phone greeting:

"Good afternoon, thank you for calling [pizza establishment], will this be for pick up or delivery?"

And I usually get a stuttering concerned response from a parent/OCS worker/DJJ person.

That's fun to explain away.../s

PicklesAreMyFriends · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My promiscuous gay male friend went for an intra-muscular injection (in the butt), instinctively pulled trousers and underwear down to his ankles, nurse says "that won't be necessary sir, you just need to pull them down a couple inches..."

Tapp-Matthews · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night I was supposed to go on break but I accidentally clocked out.

AskzXIII · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I FREQUENTLY will try to use my office keys to get into my apartment. My girlfriend enjoys judging me for this.

emergencychick · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have to type a number code to get in the door at work. On more than one occasion when I go to walk in, someone holds the door open as they come out. I then, embarrassingly, stop in the doorway to enter the code anyways.

bellatrix1987 · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’d been pulling a lot of shifts at the fried chicken place I used to work one week, mainly on drive thru. Towards the end of the week I was very tired and tried to answer my phone when my alarm went off in the morning by saying “welcome to *fc, may I take your order please?” 😂😂

llaina_2 · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After spending all day with a teetering toddler, I reflexively went to catch my 20-something friend who had stepped onto my foot. I was fully anticipating a backwards fall.

Nondscript_Usr · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife threw her socks in the toilet instead of hamper in the bathroom.

Moctnuplob · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my bathroom, the hamper and the toilet are next to each other. Someday, my brain thought that it would be a great idea to throw my dirty underwear into the toilet. I’m still glad that I didn’t pee into the hamper.

icanfly_impilot · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where do I begin?

windinthelinen · 1 points · Posted at 01:10:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband said something over the phone that really irritated me, so by instinct I responded with, "MOM!"

Smayy · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in the bathroom, holding my wallet, and holding some toilet paper. I threw my wallet into my toilet and I just stood there for a minute realising what I did.

GhostofErik · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a sandwich shop and I didn’t feel well one day. During lunch rush, I was in the “bread” position which is basically cutting the bread, adding mayo and some veggies.

After the rush died we could float to any position. A coworker went to do bread but I snatched the loaf from her, cut it, and passed it back. She looked so confused! So I told her to make a 17 with cheese with this tone that wasn’t nice until I realized what I had done and cracked up laughing and apologized.

I still enjoy telling this story.

amiathrowawayornot · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a cashier in a retail shop I forgot to say "thank you" to customer that left and yelled "Thank you" to next customer instead of "next please"

Zebratonagus · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once lost my wallet and after hours of looking found it in the recycling bin

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

said "happy birthday to you too" back to someone wishing me happy birthday

Slinger17 · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boss: "I'm taking off, I have a funeral to attend"

Me: "Have fun!"

quokkaaah · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a friend/ex-coworker. We both worked in the deli except I didn’t at the time (the story is now store legend) and he would end the service by saying to the customer “enjoy your [item]”, so like, “enjoy your ham!” He also has high-functioning autism, so sometimes he doesn’t quite realise the ah... weight of the things he says.

One day he served a customer chicken breasts. This customer was an elderly female, and he ended her service by saying “enjoy your breasts!”

I was working on the service desk at the time and the customer came down and started yelling about talking to the manager, no not the one for this department I need somebody higher. So our store manager comes down, listens to her complaint, has to stop herself from laughing while explaining that that’s just what he says to customers when he finishes serving them and he didn’t at all mean it in a sexual way. Customer was unimpressed and did not ever come back to our store.

He never used that phrase at the end of service again.

fourtaco · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was selling squid and meant to ask if the lady wanted “tubes and tentacles” but accidentally said “testicles”. Very embarrassing but I did get a wink.

UsuallyOnNosleep · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Alright, this story.

So, I was in an English class, freshman year. I was a dumbass, and still am, so I said to my friend,

"Suck my dick."

He says "No" like an absolutely normal human being.

So, I wanted to say it was a rhetorical question. What did I say?

"You never had a choice."

Tl;dr: Joked with friend, accidentally told him he never had the choice to not suck my dick.

prohaska · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got out the bowl, the milk and the cereal. I poured the cereal into the bowl and the milk directly into the cereal box.

I didn’t realize what I was doing until the milk came up past the Golden Grahams.

I was 12. So I poured the milk back out of the cereal box and put the box back on the shelf and forgot about it.

Azzazzyn · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have looked for my phone frantically while I was on said phone. I have poured tea in my cereal. I have poured my bowl of cereal and put it in the fridge. And I have put things in the microwave, gotten sidetracked and remember hours later or even the next day. Ramen was common.

Dahkeus · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a coworker at a call center said “I, love you, bye”, when hanging up with a customer. =)

Afromedes · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took a crybaby out of my mouth and blew on it to "cool it off."

Hey if food's hard to eat you blow on it ok? That's how it works.

imaqdodger · 1 points · Posted at 01:11:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to catch a flight after a date so the girl I was seeing said “have a safe flight” and for some reason I said “you too.”

KobayashiMary · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to drink nailpolish remover.

I was very sick, it was dark, and I was just a girl. I was reaching for my glass or water and i picked up the bottle, unscrewed the lid, and took a big sip. As soon as it hit my tongue I knew I had fucked up. I’ve never spit anytging out so fast!

TheHunterZolomon · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my milk in the bowl cupboard. Put cereal in the fridge. Wasn’t even high.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw a paper towel in the toilet and was getting ready to pee in the trash can when I realized I had things backwards

i_am_antman · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Our son was about 4 months old at the time. I was talking to my husband and the baby was crying. My husband grabbed the pacifier and put it in my mouth as I was talking. He stopped some of the sound that way, but I wasn’t so amused.

7fingersphil · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made a pot of coffee at work the other morning. Proceeded to dump it out in the sink for some reason .

Olnidy · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving and my friend suddenly said I was supposed to turn there. So I flipped my signal on to go left and slowed down to wait for the left green arrow. Suddenly I hear honking. I was in the center lane and there was a row of cars filling the left turn lane. For some reason I thought it was a 2 lane left turn without thinking. I was so embarrassed as I'm usually the one pissed at traffic for being retarded.

IguanaRepellent · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not something that I've done, but I was following my friend from school back to his house and we were in a left-turn lane. The light turned green for straight-through traffic and he went through the intersection on his red light. While he was making his turn, a car honked at him and as soon as he was through the intersection, he called me and says,"dude did you see that shit? That dude almost hit me". He didn't realize he ran his red light until the third or fourth time I explained it

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured soup on a plate.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I am a social worker and often have to call doctors offices to ask about diagnosis and the prognosis of my clients. When I’m stressed, all brain cells go out the window, like today....I called hospice. Talking to the nurse I said, “what’s her prognosis?” The nurse stuttered and was like ummm, it’s hospice....

I need a vacation

Brandon9402 · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me: hey how are you?

Person: good how are you?

Me: good how are you?

sternv3 · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to pump my own gas. Put the pump into the car, went and sat in the car for about a minute, closed the car door, drove ten feet without thinking....looked in side mirror and realized my gas cap and fuel door were still open... Get out of car to screw gas cap back in only to look over and see gas pump lying on ground.... I had pumped only 5 gallons.. put the pump back in, finished fueling, and left with my tail between my legs...

Fox-Tiddy-Expert · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friend tried in school to playfully punch me, Ultra Instinct kicked in and my hand went up to block it. My proudest moment tbh.

Leodwain · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cooking whilst having a drink, accidentally took a swig of oil.

pseudotumorgal · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had two thoughts. Eat, then shower. Just finished eating, so I put my dirty dishes away and turned on the shower. Somewhere the thoughts got mixed. When I went to get in my warmed up shower, there were my dirty dishes on the tub floor.

That’s one of many very stupid, auto pilot things I do constantly. I could go on.

Alex6095 · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost kissed my fiancée’s grandmother square on the lips. She’s one of those people that goes in for cheek kisses but for some reason when she puckered up my brain went on autopilot. I barely realized what the fuck I was doing in time and saved it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to pay and instead of handing the money, I handed my entire wallet.

trsrogue · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was around 7 or so, I woke up on a weekend morning and went to pour myself a bowl of cereal to eat while watching Gargoyles. I was still tired and on complete autopilot, hence why I didn't notice I'd poured iced tea on my cereal until the first bite. I'd also used the last of the cereal, so I couldn't make another bowl.

wasabi617 · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pissed in the trashcan that was in the kitchen. Only realised what I've done once my grandma started laughing in Chinese.

AxeellYoung · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wanted to go up the escalator, stepped onto the one going down. Next set of escalators:wanted to go up stopped and thought “oh almost did it again!hah” walked to the other one that was in fact going down so the first one was correct...

lucky no one saw me almost die when I realised the first escalator returned me to the start.

CryoClone · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Obligatory not me, but my nephew:

Best one I have ever seen, was my teenage nephew was using my phone to talk to his girlfriend for hours on end. At some point, his arm got tired and he dropped the phone and quickly panicked and picked up then said, "OMG, are you OK?!?" Thinking that, somehow, his girlfriend got hurt when he dropped the phone.

I almost pissed myself laughing on that one.

Lutianzhiyi · 1 points · Posted at 01:12:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a weeb, I generally try to behave normally when I'm not at home and such but one time a few weeks ago while I was at work, i got so flabbergasted by something I blurted out a fucking "Nani?", I cringe just thinking about it

EfficientBeautiful · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After stopping to get gas, turned back the way I came on the freeway... into oncoming traffic. I am so, so lucky there weren't many people around and the ones there stopped for me to turn around. I'd been on my way home from college and I was dead tired.

My boyfriend and I make an effort to praise each other for small successes because we're both hypercritical of ourselves. My new classmate and casual friend was telling me she'd finished today's homework and I said in my extra supportive voice, "that's great, good job!" She just replied "...thanks." I didn't realize until that evening. Thankfully, she's pretty chill and didn't seem that weirded out about it. Sadly it wasn't too out-of-character for me, either.

When I'm stressed and distracted I start straightening up my surroundings, like evening up a pile of books in front of me or sorting mail by envelope size. This happens at other peoples' houses, too. At therapy during a really intense session I chipped all my nail polish off and shaped the chips into a bigger nail on the table, and I regularly rip up my tea bag packet into evenly-sized confetti squares and shape them into something, too. My therapist always tells me to leave it because she's weirdly impressed.

Bombingofdresden · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having a lot of nasal/drainage issues for a couple weeks and had gotten in the habit of hacking up loogies and spitting them out.

Driving down the road, hacked a loogie, immediately spit it all over the windshield.

nemetroid · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the grocery store. Used the self checkout. After scanning all my items, I picked up my bags and left without paying. Didn't realize until I got home, at which point I went back to the store and paid (after scanning everything one more time).

HH_Asj_Supastar · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking on the phone having a conversation and I was apparently making sense but I was totally not paying attention and didn't know what I said at all.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked for my phone in my dark room while using my phone's screen as light, constantly having to turn on the phone since it went into sleep mode

Atleast i can say i was tired

goldenlight5 · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was married almost 20 yrs before getting a divorce. We were together 23 yrs. Remarried. About 5 yrs later I answer the phone and was asked my full name for some reason. Autopilot me, much to my surprise, blurted out my name before divorce!! I was so shocked! This had another strange side to it; called out my ex’s name in the heat of passion with my new husband!! How on earth do these reflexes happen?! No, I was not secretly still in love w my ex!

hagennn · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in the oilfield. Every 30 minutes or so a guy brings in sand tickets to the frac van, and I turn around and grab them from him. He stops about halfway up the stairs to the door so it’s perfect height for me in my chair. Well sometimes people are coming inside the van who aren’t him. Occasionally I’ll turn around and throw my hand at their dick and make everyone uncomfortable.

Aveworld · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a fast food restaurant where we’d ask customers if they wanted a regular or large meal....while buying groceries I used to ask the cashier if they wanted regular or large all the time, and then internally face palm myself

BuckFutter99 · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brushed my teeth with diaper cream... stupid wife put it on my sink counter and my tired ass put it on my toothbrush and put it in my mouth. That stuff is very hard to get out of your mouth... fml.

NeuronFlux · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a bad habit of saying yes and nodding my head when someone asks me a question that I don't hear. Back in high school, I was riding the bus with a good friend of mine and he asks something I cant hear. I initiate the smile and nod protocol and he looks at me like a monster. I pick up immediately something is wrong and ask him to repeat what he asked. He asked if I thought he was fat...

TheMoistEnchilada · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I was in high school, I was also into scouting. I did a lot of fishing with scouts and would constantly practice knot tying. One time I was tying my shoe in class and wound up tying a noose. My teacher saw and had me go to the councilor to make sure everything was okay.

Threepuggies · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pointed my car keys at the fridge to lock it

dancorleone88 · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Randomly sung out loud “we’re walking in the air” in a high pitched voice in a restaurant. Felt like the whole restaurant stopped and stared at me, lady on the table next to me looked at me and said “Yes. We heard that”

Sarugetchu · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a friend. She was eating lunch at her desk at work when a senior employee came over to ask her something. It just so happened this senior employee was going to be interviewing her later in the week for a promotion. My friend was doing some filing when the higher-up came over and got a bit flustered, so went into autopilot. Because of this she tried to non-chalantly continue what she was doing, stapled some documents together then put the stapler down right into her bowl of hot soup.

Immediately afterwards she just looked at the stapler-soup mess she had created, up at the senior employee, and then back at the remnants of her shattered dignity in silence. The senior then apparently just said "...oh dear" and walked away without even properly finishing their conversation.

She didn't get the job.

j_21_js · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “How’s life” at a funeral to family member of the deceased

Comin_Up_Thrillho · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was at my training school in the Navy, we had to hold up our IDs and request permission to “come aboard” our barracks. We also had an American flag outside the barracks door that we had to salute when we passed it. On more than one occasion I presented the flag with my ID and requested permission to come aboard.

Peach_Banana_Phone · 1 points · Posted at 01:13:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answer anytime a kid tells MOM! Even when I know my kids are home with the sitter. It’s not great

Kuronan · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Literally 100% Autistic move at school, the biggest mistake I ever made that somehow had 0 consequences. NSFW.

I used to go to a 'Special Education' class in last middle school-high school (Problem Kids, not Retard Kids. I thankfully have an IQ sitting in the average.) I was doing a test that day and was getting up to turn in my paper and I have this thing where if I don't shave down there? I get pricking feelings until I 'correct' it. The problem? I didn't know that subtlety meant going to the bathroom to do that.

I stuck my hand in my pants and moved my cock while getting up to pass in my test, wearing synthetic shorts... Literally everyone saw it and the teacher thought I was going to start masturbating...

I actually die inside anytime I think about it. No consequences though, no idea how I managed to not get even a scolding over it beyond the teacher's remark and another student's vocal disgust.

I have a few more Autistic stories if you want to hear them, none of them quite as ridiculous though.

coolfoxx2 · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Due to my horrible insomnia I hadn't slept in 3 days.

My friend and I were hanging out and I just looked at her dead in the eyes and said "mom, what are you making for dinner?" It took me a minute to realiZe what I did.

TheNormalSun · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As part of my school-only apprenticeship I was on a short term internship in England.

My hosts asked me something in english, but I was fixated on what happened in the TV. So I answered my host's question in german.

atxbikenbus · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cook. A lot. I was making stock and when it was ready I completely forgot what I was making and poured it out through a strainer down the drain. What a waste. Felt like an ass and ruined dinner.

MYSILLYGOOSE · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the phone, trying to leave the house. Got my toothbrush out, and pumped soap on it instead of using my tooth powder.

bradii2 · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was making instant oatmeal in the morning, and instead of throwing the packet away I just dumped all the oatmeal in the garbage.

famousredditperson · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having dinner with all of my friends, and one of their families at a chalet where we were spending the weekend. The meal was spaghetti, and as such there was Parmesan cheese on the table, and it was left there when we were serving tea. Me, in with my genius sleep deprived mind, spooned a large heap of Parmesan into my tea. The entire table just stopped and stared at me for a good 30 seconds. I still think about it sometimes.

alx924 · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Being a somewhat anxious person, I constantly slap my pockets to make sure I have all my normal stuff; phone, keys, wallet, etc. One night, I was on the phone with the girl I was dating and done if my slap checks. My right pocket was empty. I started to freak out. Where had I put my phone? I searched my entire house with only my left hand as my right was otherwise occupied holding a device to my ear. I kept saying "where did I leave my phone?" She was no help until I asked her to call it. Very calmly, she asked how I was taking to her. Once I realized, she told me to go to bed.

tingly_legalos · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw a ceramic plate with leftovers and dirty silverware in the washer after supper. About 6 ft. away like it was just a dirty shirt.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once so tired that I tried to put the second earbud in the same ear as the first. It took me 15ish seconds to figure out why it wasn't working.

ignitar · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a heavy set I of squats I tried to drink my phone. Took a few days off for the sake of my CNS

Pit_Droid · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teabag in sink, spoon in bin.

Or trying to unlock my office door with my house keys.

Or while trying to unlock/lock the door, turning it in the wrong direction and thinking the lock is stuck...

bdpope88 · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just read the highest couple of replies on here, closed the app. Reopened the app 15 mins later, saw the thread and started reading again.

Velayse · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a Starbucks, and we have those little Urns which we brew drip coffee in. One night, I put the unground beans into the thing that holds the grounds to brew into the urn, and brewed straight coffee beans. My shift supervisor asked if I was high. I have also done this three times now.

PN_MIR_NACKTE · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talked to a colleague about my GF and said "my sister"

Throwawaaay_cC · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going back on reddit while trying to study, immediately after having just closed reddit and having told myself "right then. Lets get back to work."

Mfwow · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will admit to the act of searching for my phone while talking on it, as I gradually raised my level of infuriation until reaching self disappointment.

Tinyasparagus · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving for work, but instead I got into the passenger seat and waited 20 minutes for my husband.

He had already left for his job.

Kiyae1 · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent the night at a friend's house when I was in high school, had a really awful headache and his family didn't have an Tylenol or Advil or anything similar. Tried to sleep it off, woke up after a few hours headache is even worse, worst pain from a headache I've ever had. Got one of my friends up and told him I had to go to the store to get pain pills. Drove to some random grocery store that was.... Sorta close but in a really weird spot and hard to get to and I never go there. Never mind there was another store from the same company literally 3 blocks away that I went to all the time and was just around the corner. Got to the hard to find store I never go to and immediately puked in the parking lot, went inside and bought some aspirin.

Huss_Dog · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent 15 minutes looking for keys when they were in my hand with my phone

hobbitmagic · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Make the coffee without the pot under it.

TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “God bless you” when someone passed gas.

Spacegod87 · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In a daze at the supermarket. Trying to think if I had missed anything I needed to buy, and in my cloud of confusion, grabbed a trolley that wasn't mine.

Pushed it down an entire aisle before realizing what I had done.

ATCaver · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently got a text on my way into work asking how late I was gonna be. I looked at the time and realized I was 10 minutes late already. I had been auto piloting the whole commute and hadn't even realized I was stuck in traffic and running late. I live just under 45 minutes away so it's cool if I run a little late because traffic can be fickle, but I usually let them know ahead of time if I won't be there on time.

I felt suitably dumb telling my manager that reason but she just laughed and said it happens to everybody.

Guddiman · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Exam in history. My classmate walks over and shakes the censor's hand and says his name. I instantly walk over and do the same. However. Somehow my nervous brain repeats excactly what he said. Btw. Our names are nothing alike. We all laughed it off, but it was definitely one of my more embarassing moments.

Ordolph · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a diner as a prep cook. I would crack somewhere around 5000 eggs in a week. We would get a box of 360, and then I would crack them in to a five gallon bucket. Sometimes I would crack the eggs in to the trash, and then trow the shells in the egg bucket.

RadioactiveBadgercat · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today, I reached into my pocket for chapstick but pulled out a lighter (I use them at work, don't smoke) and put the lighter to my lips and lit it. Idk what I was thinking.

echochamber1285 · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many moons ago, in high school, I (a man), walked into a bathroom, used the bathroom, noticed the ABUNDANCE of stalls and was alarmed by that, but walked out, and realized I used the women's bathroom.

Lukken · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was too tired, so instead of going to the toilet to take a piss, i went to the kitchen, unzipped and looked down the trash bin. Then it hit me. What in the hell am I doing trying to piss down the garbage bin?

sarcassity · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty stoned, 17 working at subway. There are always a thousand questions- length, bread, cheese, meat, veggies, sauce etc.

I wrap everything up and start to ring the customer out- did you want cheese on that?

HawksFalconsGT · 1 points · Posted at 01:15:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i semi-frequently begin driving to destinations other than the one i'm supposed to be, but only when someone else is in the car. if i'm alone i'm pretty focused on where i'm going, but if i start running my mouth i start driving who knows where. i'm perfectly focused on safe lane changes, shifting gears, traffic lights, speed limits, but not directions, apparently. my wife jokes she's going to let me keep driving one time when i miss a turn and see where we go before i notice. haha

cool_fox · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked open a Corona at 7am and started drinking like it was normal. My friends let me know it wasnt when they all yelled at me in unison wtf was I doing

kathysef · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After reading through these I don't feel so bad that i plugged in my iron and tried to weigh a package on my shipping scale. I changed the batteries in the led readout, cursed like a drunken sailor, repeatedly poked at the on button, unplugged it and plugged it back in then realized i was plugging i the white iron cord instead of the black scale cord.

WyG09s8x4JM4ocPMnYMg · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I woke up in the middle of the night thirsty, so I went to the kitchen and got a cup of milk. When I was done I put the nearly full gallon of milk in the cupboard and the cup in the fridge.

f22raptor272 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work in retail focusing on treating customers in a casual but polite manner. In my head the conversation was already planned before I said hello but he said "How are you?" before I could. I proceeded to then short circuit and say "You!" in the same way I'd "Good!". Blinked a couple times, turned around and walked straight into the backroom. My manager witnessed and laughed so hard he cried.

oh_haay · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the game - I’m a nurse and was trying to clean a patient who was incontinent. I was thinking of 10 different things I had to do and as I’m uncovering him, I absent-mindedly asked the patient to use his legs and lift up his bottom so I could pull out the dirty pads/briefs. He looked at me, I look led at him, then looked down at his legs and saw none. He was an amputee. Stuttered an apology and blushed the whole rest of the time.

mykillclimbin · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks ago I was making a PB&J sandwich. I took the toaster out, then got the milk from the fridge to pour a glass while the bread was toasting. After the bread was done toasting, I took it out and put it on a plate. Then I unplugged the toaster and opened my fridge like I was going to put the toaster away in the fridge

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in customer service and have a habit of apologizing when I walk into inanimate objects, usually tables

poopstixPS2 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cracked an egg into the garbage and put the shells in the bowl.

slopecarver · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger I assumed/thought I lost my glasses in the ball pit after absent mindedly jumping in, I asked my friend to help find them. I was still wearing them.

Shadowarrior64 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After I finished using the bathroom I proceeded to brush my teeth instead of washing my hands.

SavageSalchicha1994 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a dirty bastard in my younger years and hadn’t showered in 2 days I decided to do a scratch and sniff test while at work pushing carts. I scratched my scalp, sniffed and was like “ oh yeah it’s shower time today” looked to my left and there was some poor girl staring at me in disgust.

Winter_Lee · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me... my wife. Her work friend was showing the ultrasound of her upcoming baby to my wife and their other colleague, the baby, in the image, was sucking his thumb...

My lovely wife said the following "Oh! My God. It's so cuteee!! It's sucking his dick!!" In the most natural way possible...

I can't see an ultrasound now without thinking about how embarrassed she must have been.

ImayGoByRen · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm over here thinking you mean a literal auto pilot

BlastedSpace22 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended a client call with a new multi million dollar contract with “love you bye!”

Technically not wrong because it made me lots of money but that’s what I say to my wife, not my client.

EnhancedCat · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stuck my toothbrush in my mouth the wrong way around and tried to light it with the tube of toothpaste.

It was a blurry week-long roadtrip fuelled by substances and smart decisions.

whiteblanc · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was using the urinal at work and I forgot to put it in my pants before turning around to three of my coworkers.

Swifferdoodles · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

in high school i used to set alarms for the middle of the night because i wanted to talk to my online friends in different timezones. well, an alarm goes off, and i absent-mindedly start getting ready for school. i shower and everything and wait out in the kitchen for my mom to come down to drive me, and when she didnt i finally looked at the time and it was 2:30 in the morning.

hucamp · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My there is a trash can right next to my toilet and multiple times I’ve gone into the bathroom and began to pee into the trash instead of the toilet because my mind was on something else. Hassle to clean up lol

iseeyourpanties · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

4th of july party a few years ago, I had some friends over. We hiked up the mountain that overlooked the city near my house to watch the fireworks display. When we got back to my house, we jumped in the pool for a bit and shortly after, everyone left. As soon as they walked out the door I headed to wash the pool water off of me. Got to the bathroom, stripped down naked and got ready to jump in the shower. I heard a knock at the door and thinking it was my friends that had just left I pulled on a towel and answered the door. I was completely sober mind you. I opened the door and was met by my landladys (young and attractive) son asking if I had seen his dog. It took me a few seconds to realize why he was gawking at me. When it hit me, I shrieked, apologized profusely, and slammed the door on his face. I dont think he told his mother because she never confronted me about it.

Shutout69 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my wallet in the fridge

Stroby89 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to turn the air con on with the TV remote and the TV on with the air con remote

Blempglorf · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I missed my exit while driving to work. That by itself wouldn't be too strange, except for the fact that I did it three times on the same morning commute.

Rhythilin · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going on a camping trip with my family and then went to go get water from the back of the trunk. I then spaced out, threw the keys in the trunk got the water and then closed it.

penkio · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was eating eggs in a mug, and poured my whole cup of water in it. Then I continued to drink it and eat it, not noticing what I had done until I had finished eating my cold, soggy eggs

Zuruchan · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my phone in the freezer and my mom found it all frozen

ReadTwo · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have a habit of breathing through mouth and nose sometimes. My folks took me out to eat and while my mom was rambling about work, I was about to take a bite of spicy food, but I took a nice, deep breath. Inhaled pepper and spicy meat, coughed and without thinking I initiated the hock up a loogie reflex. Ended up in restaurant bathroom blowing my nose and soiled the tissue with boogers and taco boogers

Edburly22 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened today, I was stopping for lunch at In-N-Out during my last minute Christmas shopping. While I was waiting for my food I was making my exquisite dipping sauce, ketchup with pepper, and thinking about the other shopping I had to finish. Ripped the paper pepper packets open, and instead of throwing the little end pieces in the garbage and pouring the pepper in the ketchup, I put the paper in my ketchup and started pouring the pepper in the trash.

Harmless and simple, but gave myself a good chuckle.

ZPM89 · 1 points · Posted at 01:16:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Breakfast for me is usually either cereal or a few slices of toast.

Just last week, I got up for work at 6am, went downstairs and placed 2 slices of bread in the toaster. I then proceeded to get the milk out the fridge, open the carton and start to pour the milk into the toaster. Luckily I realised what I was doing and I just laughed out loud to myself.

Raikojou · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever wake up in the morning and absentmindedly pee on trash can in the kitchen until your mom who's been cooking breakfast there laughs her ass off and you realized what blasphemy have you done?

Light_bulbnz · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was very sleepy when I went to brush my teeth... I ended up putting toothpaste on a razor and was about to shave my teeth.

Lettuce-b-lovely · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking to a friend on the phone whilst searching around. Eventually I was all, ‘look dude, I have to go. I’ve lost my phone.’ Hung up and continued looking for my phone.

The phone in my hand.

The one I’d just been speaking on...

recess93 · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The number of times I've tried to use my apartment fob to open the door at my office is too many to count. Mornings are hard

naigung · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My gf and I broke up for about 10 weeks in high school. At some random point, like 8-9 months into the breakup...I drove to her house and walked in the door on the way home from a party. It was like in my head I was just taking her home like usual. I walked into the kitchen, she was in...very limited cover...pajamas eating something. I just kind of looked in shock for a second, turned around and walked the fuck out. I left her a message on her voicemail and just waited for the discussion. I’m not sure she ever bought it but I was purely an accident.

I even went back to the party because I had no reason to leave before 10 pm. I was just like “Alright can’t miss her curfew” and drive to her house. We played UFC on dreamcast for another 3-4 hours.

okieguy180 · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a firefighter. 98% of the time when driving a truck I have another guy or two with me. One time while alone driving on AP I drove to my house when I should have been returning to station. I was in my own little world.

beckytherussell · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to a drama school and had a group singing lesson. I totally zoned out half way through the song but apparently kept singing. The singing teacher stops and looks at me and says "you can't ever sing those words again". No one would tell me what I sang.. I still don't know...

KyleRichXV · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left my car on campus after class one night and walked the mile home. Didn’t realize it until I got home and panicked because I didn’t see my car, then remembered I drove to class. Worst part was it was winter and I parked in a metered spot.

sandalcade · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife likes to shove her hand, legs, shoulders, etc. in my face sometimes when she’s feeling needy or bored. She always asks if she could have a kiss and I always oblige. This usually happens when we’re watching TV so I never really pay much attention and I just know what to do whenever whatever appendage of hers is shoved in my face.

Anyway, I was waiting in a queue one day and a balding dude was stood in front of me. A lady walked past and he stepped back and bumped into me, but in that brief moment just before he bumped into me, I kissed his bald patch with a loud smack. He turned around and asked me if I just kissed him. I didn’t really realize that I did, so I just grinned at him, trying to be polite and I don’t know why I did that either.

I still cringe when I think of that sometimes.

sharkbate34 · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The number of teachers I accidentally called mom in elementary school

ZombiestatuZ · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've talked to strangers and even friends on the phone and accidentally told them "love you, bye"

tobaknowsss · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in non-profit and used to work with a committee of youth who were developmentally disabled but very smart and high functioning. I once sent out an email with "my best retards" instead of "my best regards" in the closing of an email to the committee group. I was horrified and immediately sent out an apology to the group and for the most part recieved pretty humour responses from thr group making light of the mistake as they all knew me and knew it was an honest mistake.

TeavisFornst · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old college login info and my fetish started with the same letter. I had a morning programming class that was at 730 in the morning. I was kind of lonely at the time so I had a... morning habit.

I woke up later than i usually did for class so I didnt partake in said habit. So I rolled into the computer lab for this class in the morning, got onto the computer, and typed in said fetish for the login name. It didnt log me in obviously, but I never saw what I typed and called over the TA to ask if there was something wrong with the login. TA notices what I typed for my username before I did. He was not amused.

A_Wizzerd · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk in the cupboard, coffee mug in the fridge.

cemanresu · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I found a container of freshly made chicken stock in the cutlery drawer. I was the only one that was home since I made it.

mattsylvanian · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a social function saying goodbye to a couple lady friends, kissing each other farewell on the cheek in the European fashion. I went to kiss another friend and as I was leaning in for the embrace, realized it was the husband of one of the women. They were wearing the same color hoodie which threw me off! What made it all the more awkward is that I am gay...I didn’t want to give the impression I had any designs after him. I profusely apologized and shook the guy’s hand, and the guy played it off with a laugh. But I think to this day he was a little weirded out by the ordeal.

justhavinganap · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Early morning, baby needs a diaper change.

Put baby on changing pad, grab diaper. Open onsie and put fresh diaper under baby.

Proceed to do up the clean diaper OVER the dirty one. I was buttoning his onsie back up when I realized and apologized profusely for momma being sleepy stupid.

AdaptiveMadMan · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put coffee in my cereal without regestering it.

Not sure if I was being an idiot or really efficiant.

PavelDatsyuk88 · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

walked naked from sauna to a public pool

neanderthalman · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked two eggs into the coffee maker.

Two.

UhtredTheBold · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk in the cupboard rather than back in the fridge. It went off. The wife was pissed but I didn't believe I could be that stupid so went to look for myself. Took it out, looked at it and then placed it back in the cupboard. Wife found it again an hour later and lost her shit.

My dad put weetabix in the teapot one morning. That was amusing.

soysauuuuce · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put handwash on my toothbrush before...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was listening to music with my air pods before work and paused it once my shift started. After having it on for 30 mins I didn’t feel it in my ear anymore. By the time I was leaving I checked my case and saw it went missing. I looked for 30 mins arounds until I told my boss I lost my headphones. He then said “it’s obviously not the ones in your ears right?”. After that day I stopped listening to music at work lol

Strato0621 · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to answer my personal phone with “How can I help you?” and then proceed to act like it didn’t happen or play it off like it was a joke.

llDurbinll · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took the bus to work, except I wasn't scheduled to work that day. Somewhere in my mind I grabbed a transfer even though one would never be of use by the time I got off work. Realized once I walked in that I was off today and ran back to the stop going back home and saw the same bus driver. She was confused to see me.

bcschauer · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on my 3rd batch of Christmas cookies for the night. Cracked an egg directly into the sink and threw the empty shell into the mixer. Did the same with 2 more eggs before realizing my mistake

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thanked my Google home for telling me the weather.

RochesterBen · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does sleep count as auto pilot? Because I was asleep at around 3AM when my stupidly high friends called me for laughs and I was so disoriented that I knew I had to pick up the ringing phone and say something, but I wasn't sure what, so what came out was an airy "Warm?" They just laughed harder. I laughed. I got mad. I hung up and unplugged the phone. Good times.

Chradamo · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited about 2 minutes for the stop sign to turn green

CaptDavey · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every month I have at least one day where I wash my hair with shampoo, then proceed to wash my hair with body wash right after.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my teacher I loved him when saying goodbye

swarla · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put at sausage straight into my glass of water instead of bread. Still ate it.

lolthrash · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I tried to put my contact lenses in while wearing glasses

PM_YIFF_OR_CLOP_PLS · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I gave a hug to my mom... And almost squeezed her butt like I do when I hug my girlfriend.

koalabuddy · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working drive through on auto pilot is a nightmare...

hands reciept after purchase

“Have a nice day!”

shuts window

...

opens window to hand them their order

“We’ll get that right out for you : )”

🤦🏻‍♂️

TheTossers · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my sibling, in high school I would drive them to school as I was a senior and they a freshman. Well one morning they get up, shower, dress and go to wait for me by the car. After about 30 min of waiting they call me and demand to know why I have not come out to drive do school, to which i reply it is midnight. Then I hang up and go back to sleep.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came home exhausted from school one day and ended up falling asleep. I woke up at 7:45 and freaked the fuck out while simultaneously being baffled as to how I just slept for sixteen hours. I rip the covers off me, throw some clothes & backpack on and head downstairs where my dad is casually watching tv. I told him needed to go NOW because I was about to be late for school.

He looked at me with one of those dad faces that immediately told me how much of dumbass I was.

I had only been asleep for four hours.

kotjam · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once worked at a gas station full time and a Home Depot part time. I can’t tell you how many people shopping at Home Depot were asked “any fuel outside for you?”

DarkJester89 · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened a few days ago, making cereal for my kids and my bowls are in a cupboard about eye level.. (immediately about 6 foot)...

I poured cereal, poured milk..and then tried to put the gallon of milk in the cupboard and got kinda posted why it wouldn't fit..

Wife had to spring me out of it haha

I_didnt_do_lt · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a nice little swig of my sons formula bottle when he was a baby instead of my suck top water bottle... can confirm, stuffs disgusting.

doctorwhom456 · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went into the basement to refill my rat's water. Now, I do tap dance, and since the rest of the house had hardwood floors I had to practice down there. So naturally, I get down there, think, "I forgot my taps shoes," go all the way up to my room and put them on. I practiced my routine for about an hour before I remembered. Poor little rodents were so thirsty :-(

MainMan499 · 1 points · Posted at 01:18:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to put 20$ into a chip slot on a card reader

rushakenyan · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Parked my car once without grabbing my keys and leaving it in drive...got to chase it a little down the parking lot. Thank you Lord there were no cars though...it was a rough day😂

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once took some apple juice out the fridge, took the lid off and shook it. Just absentmindedly throwing juice all over the fridge, floor, walls and myself. Didn’t appreciate having to clean it all up.

montrayjak · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've always had a hard time falling asleep. As a kid I'd get maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep... which is a lot of time to just zone out at night.

One night around 3AM, for some reason, 10 year old me decided to get up and go out the front door to just watch traffic and ponder my existence in the universe. Then suddenly I realized the door locked behind me, snapped out of it and started freaking out. My mom heard me and couldn't understand how I ended up outside.

mochimochi82 · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used the car remote to try to open the house door. Yeah, you can push the unlock button all you want but that’s not gonna cut it. I’ve done this more than once.

DasTooth · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went inside a gas station to pay for gas before pumping. Walked out of the gas station. Hopped in my car and left without pumping the gas... ran out of gas 2 miles down the road.

NoSugarAddedToday · 1 points · Posted at 01:19:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes forget where my phone is.. While talking on the phone..

Pickman · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushed my teeth with Biofreeze. Minty fresh as a motherfucker.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I very rudely slid past two girls in the hall during High School as if they were walking super slow. No idea why I did it, and they said something about it behind me. I was also too damn awkward at the time to apologize for that so I just looked like a dick.

I still think about that sometimes.

natehellsing · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

poured myself a glass of milk and then put the milk in the cupboard.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

People got me to say I like my crush when I was half asleep on the bus, and they were recording.

Luckily it was the team and they only sent it to each other.

DannyEbeats · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At this point I just nod at the stop sign really close to my house.

monkeyspunk8--0 · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not proud of this but.... while traveling in India I was walking down a street with some friends just chatting and looking around..... I was sorta looking over my shoulder listening the turn around to see where I'm going. I see someone with their hand out toward me so I go straight for the handshake. Turned out to be a beggar.

kearafar · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Airport security line, took off my shoes, then my belt. Then proceeded to unbutton my pants and lower them just halfway down my booty, and that's when I came back to planet earth.

xLava03 · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Call My Teacher Mom.......

DinoGorillaBearMan · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left a gallon of milk in my car for a week. Didn't know. Put it in the fridge not remembering when I went to the store a week later. Opened it for cereal and basically had to air out the house in the Las Vegas summer and then pay an extra like $300 on the power bill when I forgot I left the AC on for 8 hours while not home and the sliding glass door open.

SeaTwertle · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I worked in the restaurant industry, I would go to the grocery store right after my shift, and going from one aisle to the next yelling “CORNER” forgetting I’m not about to run into someone carrying a bunch of plates.

rarattatta · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I occasionally pull out my garage door buzzer from the centre console and try to use it on red traffic lights

theopinionateddude · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I asked for a Big Mac at Burger King.

ItsyaboyAstro · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just quit my job at Staples to go to Starbucks. Working the 5am drive-thru, I greeted the person with "Thank you for calling Staples, this is Itsyaboyastro speaking, how may I assist you today?"

I didn't understand why everyone was laughing until the customer came to the window giggling about it.

CallmeConorC · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I went to the gym feeling mentally exhausted but physically good. No excuses, right? Until I decided to grab some weights for my deadlifts and began taking them off another guy's bar while he was resting on the bench press. I didn't even realise until he sat up in total confusion and glared at me. I hastily put them back and apologised!

fenix_sk · 1 points · Posted at 01:20:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked up to my apartment door and the key wouldn't fit. I looked at the number on the door and it was different than my apartment number. I was immediately pissed that the landlord had changed both my apartment number and lock when I was out. It was then that I remembered that I had come in the door on the south side of the building, instead of the door on the north side that I used 95% of the time. I was trying to get into the apartment across the hall from my own.

GLDPineapple · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will grab my own ass from time to time. I dont know why, but I find myself doing that late at night or on really early mornings.

neonleprachaun · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempt the charging of a car battery by attaching the wires to not-the-battery-but-some-thing-next-to-it. This happened on the job.

NotEwanMcgregor · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had enough of my old manager and quit my job, found a new job on third shift, spent a few days adjusting to the new schedule at home. First week in third shift woke up at the crack of dusk, drive to my old job 20 minutes in the wrong direction. Got there just as my old manager was closing up. He sees me walking up to him, I snap out of it, think to myself 'oh shit Ewan, recover!'. Gave John the manager the double bird, shouted "do a barrel roll!" Spun around, got back in my car and deuced.

Zlynkyx · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was pretty high, and had some munchies. Went to the kitchen to grab some chips, poured them in a bowl and then put the bag of chips in the fridge. Found em in the morning

koakoba · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live across the street from a gas station so I'm always jogging across to grab this or that.... so when I needed gas, walked over, in the door and just said "OH MY GOD I FORGOT MY CAR" and went back for it. When I parked and went in to pay again, they were all dying laughing at me.

SirTommyHimself · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably a common one amongst a lot of people. From 13-15 on multiple occasions I out the cereal into the fridge, and the milk in the cereal cupboard.

Robbiersa · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Middle of winter, still dark outside and I was half asleep when I got dressed for work. Jumped on the bus and and encountered about 50 people before I got to work. Worked until lunch time (12:00pm) and it was only then that someone said “hey Rob, I think you have your shirt inside out” 5 hours and 70 people later! Thanks guys!

shanez1215 · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I forgot to clock into work today and didn't realize until the end of my shift. I guess I subconsciously don't want to get paid.

Hyperflip · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate a chili, the heat was getting pretty intense. Grabbed the nearest water bottle and drank half a liter, only to realize it was the distilled one my mom prepared for something.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put metal in my oven.

crazyfolder · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was 15 years ago and I still cringe. Finished watching a rented DVD and needed to return it right away to avoid a late fee. When I got to the video store I reached in my purse to realize I grabbed the DVD player remote instead of the DVD.

Wtfparadox · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I finished cooking my pasta, I wanted to drain the water using the lid of the pot I cooked the pasta in.

Except I straight up did not use the lid and just flushed all the pasta into the sink. Took me some time to get over that.

NevaGivaUpa · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived in England for three years, moved back to US. Worked in a hospital and kissed a patient on the cheek goodbye as is customary in many parts of Europe. He was very shocked and had a huge smile. I left and just let him think what he wanted. Context is everything.

redditproha · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ah so not related to Tesla. I was pretty confused here for a minute.

fakedelight · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Caught the bus home when I’d actually driven into work. Got home and thought my car had been stolen and called the police. Whoops. Also, cost me a fortune in parking tickets

cjc160 · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Smacked my sister in law’s ass just like I do to my wife when we were doing dishes at Christmas. I have no words to explain why I did that

Twelve_KIWIs · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time, I slept over at a friends house with a bunch of dudes. I was sleeping in a bed with one of my dude friends when he woke up coughing in the middle of the night as he's a smoker. Now, since I'm used to sleeping with my girlfriend, autopilot had me thinking of her. I reached over, gently caressed his hand and uttered "babe." I immediately realized what I had done, and pulled my hand away, quickly but not abruptly as to avoid suspicion. I don't think he heard me as he was coughing but that would have been game over. I just kinda half rolled away from him and nothing was said in the morning. I think I'm free from this one but holy hell if he remembers what happened..

gumboslinger · 1 points · Posted at 01:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made two grilled cheese sandwiches for my kids and when they were ready I plopped the plates down on the counter and yelled order up. They both looked at me like I was stupid

DHA_Matthew · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took a sleeping pill instead of a vitamin one morning, things did not improve after that lol.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just last week I was working retail and running on autopilot as per usual, and on the register I was on, the stapler was placed where the pen usually is. So I proceeded to grab the stapler and use it to write on the receipt before handing it to the customer. Customer gave me the weirdest look as she left. Couldn't figure out why till I looked down at my hand grasping the stapler as you would a pen.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not something I did but my Mum’s friend once left a message on our home answering machine and finished it with “... in Jesus name, amen”.

darkcelebrimbor · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a trash bag into a full trash can instead of taking trash can out

Futurskullz · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bought one of those awful Yakisoba microwave noodle bowls on my lunch break. Just peel back the cover and add water to the fill line, except I forgot to add the water before nuking it. Also I walked away from it. Far away to grab something I forgot. I was working at a grocery store so the break room is in one of the front corners of the store. Now there's this crazy plume of yellow smoke snaking up to the ceiling. Ruined the inside of the microwave forcing the store to replace it. Embarrassing AS FUCK.

Reffner1450 · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I work up in the middle of the night and decided to get a late night bowl of cereal. Well it wasn’t until I tried putting the milk in the cabinet I realized I was a idiot. Opening the fridge to find the box of Frosted Flakes is when I confirmed it.

golgariprince · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed a burning hot pan of cinnamon rolls with my hand, yelled and dropped it, caught it with my chin, and proceeded to carry it, still held by my chin, to the counter.

KarP7 · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Backstory: my mom always tells me to be careful when driving to my dad's but she's usually not home when I leave for work.

One time she was home early and told me to drive carefully when I left for work. Ended up going to my dad's house and realizing my mistake right before turning into the neighborhood. Luckily, his house is kinda on the way so I was only 5 minutes late.

KarmelCHAOS · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

This has, sadly, happened more than once. I get coffee from 711 all the time. One time, I was opening those little coffee creamer things, and dumping them in the trash without thinking about it. I wasted at least two before I realized what I was doing. Oh! I used to work in a restaurant for a few years in the Kitchen as well. Back in the day, I'd accidentally say 'behind' and 'corner' at home or at a grocery store or something. I always caught myself and would laugh

montrayjak · 2 points · Posted at 01:26:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate that. It's like "can't I make my coffee after I've had it?"

KarmelCHAOS · 2 points · Posted at 01:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right? I'm just waiting for someone to chime in 'just drink it black!' No way, mister.

montrayjak · 2 points · Posted at 03:48:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blech! Barbarians!! 😅

fr-spodokomodo · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sharing a house with a dude and one day I was watching telly and went to the kitchen to get something. When I got back to the living room I couldn't find the remote control. I searched high and low for that remote but no sign. Eventually I went out. When I got back my house mate was there watching telly with the remote. Him: hey Me: hey Him: why was the remote in the fridge?

JimiSlew3 · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drive a coworker home after a business lunch.

Mikrispy · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once walked into a hotel room that my friend and his parents were staying in, and picked up the tv remote out of reflex and started channel surfing while they were clearly watching the previous program. I stopped when I realized they were staring at me.

xbillyx64 · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to use my car keys on my front door.

No one saw, but still

gingergenie · 1 points · Posted at 01:22:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Coworker I had just met reached behind her to indicate she needed a moment before answering my question. I grabbed her hand and held it.

Still cringing years later.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started cutting my grass riding my lawnmower with my bicycle helmet I forgot to take off. Was not until workers I had doing things at my place started to give me weird looks I noticed.....

Zappas456 · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least once every 6 months I pour a cup of water on my dinner instead of the tomato sauce that I was meant to grab.

frankg133 · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woken up, opened my hamper, and peed on my laundry. I dunno ....

Jarnold18 · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to take karate in a dojo and every time you walk on or off the mats you would have to bow to show respect. One morning at school, before I entered the room I stopped at the door frame and bowed before I entered. It wasnt until I walked in and saw everyone staring at me before I realised what I did.

Abigail_Squanch · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pick my nose

ChessieDog · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sat on the toilet seat lid and almost took a shit, this i when i was 5-6 though

masterkoster · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the couch without lighys and wanted to grab my phone.. but couldn't find it... so I actually grabbed my phone, turned on the flashlight and started looking for my phone... after 10 seconds I stopped looking and just started towards my hands thinking hos much of an idiot I was...

channelclicker · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Painful pimple on my nose was finally ready to pop. Squeezed it and gunk got all over my fingers so I wiped it off on my gym shorts. My then girlfriend sitting next to me was wearing said gym shorts. We were both mortified.

ibettyou · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the store....when I went to check out, the cashier was standing in the lane by the register to let people know he was available to ring people up...I thought he was really cute. He reached out to take what I was buying and take it to the register and I absentmindedly put my hand in his. Like, held his hand. I still cringe when I think about it. It was 10 years ago.

micheal213 · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at geek squad and we have to do all the open box items and test them and reset them and test to make sure they work before we can resell them as open box items. So I was just doing my thing resetting all the computers sitting in the open box shelves including a nice looking surface book. A couple hours later the Microsoft rep comes up and says “did someone reset my laptop” was like uh was it in the open box area, and he said yes.

So I reset his surface book with all his school work and Microsoft info and stuff in it. He lost a lot of stuff he didn’t have backed up.

I said to him sorry dude but you literally had it in the open box area without a damn note.

He also was a Microsoft rep and didn’t have his stuff backed up on one drive. I did not feel sorry for him.

hardhikm · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did leave my TV remote at odd places like the top of our refrigerator or even in the kitchen sink 😂

montrayjak · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks ago at the airport I tried to walk up the down escalator. Not distracted by anything... just couldn't compute how my feet were going to manage this and decided to try it anyways. I snapped out of it the second my foot hit the stair.
I don't think anybody saw.

ScrapDraft · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home from high school once and started dinner for my parents before they got home.

While dinner was starting, logged onto WoW. Got into that nerdy headspace.

When my mom walked in and asked what else she needed to do to finish dinner, I absent mindedly replied "read the patch notes".

Cooking instructions. I meant the cooking instructions.

dannypackaziti · 1 points · Posted at 01:23:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“I love you” to a sales rep as I got off the phone. Say it way too much I guess

makeshiftup · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I:

1) called my pharmacy thinking it was my doctor. I spent a good five minutes until I stopped and said “oh my god this is the pharmacy I’m so sorry I thought it was the doctor.”

2) after dinner, I put some chicken legs in a bag and neatly placed them in the trash. I thought I was putting them in the fridge.

Its Friday.

DepressedS1oth · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This won’t ever be seen but one time I was asleep by my family and I guess I needed to take a piss because I sleep Wales over to a fake tree and peed in it

sayaman22 · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend at the time decided to ask serious questions while I was on autopilot. The only time in my life when just replying "yeah" ended the relationship.

Iappreciatecats · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning after I poured my cup of coffee I said “Thanks” to my coffee machine.

MooseCanoe32 · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have lived with DID (dissasociative identity disorder) for my whole life, so I do spacey things quite often. I'd have to say the most emberassing thing I've ever done is sitting at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green. Thankfully no one was behind me to see my shame.

k90sdrk · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last Thursday I woke up early, took the hour long subway ride to my college and got as far as trying to open the door to my classroom before remembering that the previous day had been the last day of the semester. Did a similar thing last year but a day before classes began, but that was more a matter of confusions about the schedule than auto-pilot

unluckybraids · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

in my house the printer is in a cupboard above the microwave. every time i go to get a paper i always open the microwave for no reason

g23nov · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when i used to work at american eagle outfitters there was one time i had to get something out of our supply closet. i was so accustomed to knocking on dressing room doors at work that just out of habit i knocked on the supply closet door without even thinking. right after i realized what i did i just started dying of laughter lmao

kimboten · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured koolaid on a plate when I was really tired, dads deaf friend noticed it first

PoorTuckeredDong · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was really stoned at the corner store buying snacks, I accidentally pulled out my zigzags to pay instead of my debit card.

clkou · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stole milk from Walgreens. I was on my phone texting work about a problem. I realized it driving home and drove back. The cashier didn't notice me leaving but did notice me arriving with the milk. When I explained what happened, she said when she saw me that she thought she had a new milk delivery guy. 😂

VorticalHydra · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work and started looking for my phone for a good 5 minutes. It was in my pocket where it usually is.

ImSteady413 · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought a woman was my girlfriend at a busy gas station. I ended up grabbing her by the waist from behind and pulling her towards me. About halfway through this motion something didn't feel right. The lady turned around with a "how dare you" look. She wasnt wrong. I apologized and turned around to see my girlfriend laughing her ass off in the truck because she saw all of it.

Dem0n5 · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mostly after I drive a family members automatic car, when driving my manual again I park and let off the clutch while I'm still in gear.

Dr_Captain_America · 1 points · Posted at 01:24:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day on a sleep deprived night of work (resident in a hospital), I threw my pager in the trash, and put my granola bar in my pocket.

snackers14 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In 6th grade, my teacher was up front talking to the class about something boring and uninteresting. I naturally wasn't paying attention. I noticed a slight typo on something on the whiteboard. Don't know why, but I yelled what the neck. Shared a few laughs with friends about that one later

Jacksonsback · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive a bus for work and am required by law to stop at railroad crossings with my hazard lights on before proceeding. I now do it in my car too without even thinking about it. Every. Single. Time. Been honked at and flipped off a lot.

Biskwits · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working in retail I usually end a transaction with ‘Thank you’ or ‘Thanks love’ (pretty normal for the North West of UK) I got mixed up one time on autopilot and said ‘Love you!’ The guy was pretty amused and I went a nice shade of red.

McGundam1215 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have tried to lock my apartment deadbolt with my bank card. Just cause my wife asked if I was all set and I immediately reached for my wallet.

Lol, a mugger won't need a weapon on me they'll just need to tell me my total and ask if I'm all set, lol

rumenocity5 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven the wrong direction on the highway in the middle of a long trip. I was driving south, listening to an audiobook, got off an exit to get gas and got back on north. Drive for three hours before realizing it.

ryan0694 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a friend

We were at a swim meet and after one of his events he went to go warm down and ended up pulling his suit off instead. This was in-front of an entire stadium and pool full of swimmers.

We still give him shit for it.

TheBurbs666 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a double shift I grabbed a glass of water from the fridge and put my phone in there

n8hamilton · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove home from work where dinner was supposed to be waiting. Pulling up to the house I got frustrated that the wife's van wasn't there. Then remembered we'd moved to a different town the month before. I wish I could say it only happened once.

gigler198 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I woke, realized my alarm didn't go off, and quickly got ready to go to school, I had to get up at 5:30am at the time, and after having packing my lunch, I headed back to my room to finally put on my shoes, I looked up at the clock to see how long I had and realized it was 12am...

Zephle · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend often lies on my shoulder in bed. One time in class I was sitting with my headphones around my neck, and since there was a soft object right there, I leaned over and kissed it. Luckily no-one saw.

Cinemaphreak · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I (M) once walked into a restaurant (Norm's, the one from Intolerable Cruelty) just to use the restroom and it was a "drop off the kids" scenario. One of the major LPT's is to look like you belong by walking confidently.

So I strolled in, walked through the main dining room without a gitch and into the bathroom. It took about 5mins for anyone else to come in. After a moment a second person came in and they began to chat. Two women - I HAD GONE INTO THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.

To make matters worse my phone rang and it was an important client who's call expected. My mind raced as to what to do, even considered just announcing myself. Then they left and decided to just walk out as confidently as I went in. There were several couples on Saturday night dates and I expected any moment to hear a "What the fuck!!!"

I have never gotten into, started and driven off a car so fast in my life. To this day I don't know why I went the wrong way.

limowx · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher 'mom' in primary school

redsox0473 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m on the phone with my wife asking her if my cell phone was at home.....she graciously allowed me to figure it out myself.

Gumparimaas · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my t-shirt in the garbage bin instead of the laundry hamper. This has happened more than once.

cewallace9 · 1 points · Posted at 01:25:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove to my old job one day by accident..brain just automatically took me there even tho I had been at my current job for 2 years at the time.

Kamerlengo · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pissed in the Kitchen rubbish bin

D_Donk · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went outside for a smoke, the door locked behind me so I climbed up into the 2nd story window, went downstairs and unlocked the door but my dumb brain told me to go up again and climb out of the window and down instead of just walking out the door.

Demigod2077 · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The classic everyone starts clapping for you and you don’t realise so you start clapping too and look like an idiot.

happened to me at work the other day when a coworker congratulated me on getting another job.

EgressAloof · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instinctively raising work access badge to open front door when arriving home. Conversely, dreamily raising home front door key when arriving at office front door in the morning.

Kraft_Singles88 · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Say “you too” when a server tells me to enjoy my meal. A winter variation has been to say “you too” to the lifties who tell me to enjoy my ride.

bc47791 · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The old "cereal in the fridge, milk in the pantry" number

LPW93 · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making small talk with new Barber,

Barber: So what do you do for work mate Me: I’m a landscaper, what about yourself? Barber: ....

confitqueso · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I rolled a joint, stuck it behind my ear, then got into the shower.

Hustlerbojenkins · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked one exit away from my college campus, and I was late to class and drove to work instead of campus. This happened more than once.

SKyPuffGM · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time i went to bed bath and beyond to get a universal remote, found one that was more universal than expected, and proceeded to live my whole life on fast forward, being a mindless asshole, and working till the death of me. it was then that i realized family is what’s important in life, not money and power. luckily it was a dream lol i fell asleep on one of the mattresses at the store. ended up forgetting the remote tho

chopstixdiva · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once told my boss ‘love you’ at the end of our phone meeting. It was rather embarrassing, as there were a couple other people on the call that heard me say that... thankfully they let it go and it just turned into a funny story for the company holiday party.

veryhighverytired · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy birthday!"

"Thanks, you too!"

Qwerty177 · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kissed my buddy goodnight before getting out of his car, thought he was my gf

Bill_llib123 · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to a residential college and live in the dorms. To get into any of the dorm buildings you need to swipe or tap your student ID on the sensor (newer buildings let you tap the card) and then also unlock your door with a key.

The number of times I’ve tried to use my car key fob to “unlock” the main entrance or my dorm entrance is too high

2manyaccounts4me · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bouncing the baby bouncer with my foot, but no baby in the bouncer.

Lionheart78239 · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done way too many things while on autopilot, but there’s this one that came to mind.

Back in my high school years I played a shit ton of Skyrim.

One day while I was walking down the path along the building I saw some lavender and I swear to you I saw the words “ Press [E] to gather” (I don’t even think ‘E’ is the right letter honestly, but that’s what popped up)

So as I walk past I brush my hand over and pulled on the plant, but only getting like the petals and flower bits. Got to my math class which was a 10 minute walk down a windy path, sat down and dropped the petals. I was like, “Ooh. Lavender. That’s my favourite plant.”

2 minutes pass.

3 minutes pass.

“Wait. What?”

remembers what happened

“Man.. I think I play too much.”

annaheim · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I first started as a barista, I tried making a cup of coffee with hot water and grinded coffee beans. I happily sat down on my break and drank it, assuming that the grinds would dissolve.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in Japan and always speak Japanese to people who can't, and English to those who can't.

It's not easy...

abstractattack · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pumped the handsoap onto my toothbrush.

Also spit on a closed car window.

Naylor_21 · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once accidentally read out a very risky text to this girl I like to a room full friends who didn’t know I was talking to her

Sleetui · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to make cereal.

Grabbed a bowl and poured milk into bowl of cereal.

I put the milk carton onto shelf instead of the fridge.

Dinosaur73 · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving school early one day and as I was leaving I instinctively turned off the lights in my classroom while my coworker was still teaching, with a room full of students. They were puzzled.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had my car keys in the same as a coffee cup. Went to toss it out at a public garbage can at the grocery store. Dropped my keys instead of the cup. I always keep a tarp in the car (which was still unlocked thankfully), so I put it out on the concrete, dumped the can onto the tarp and played a really disgusting 20 minute game until I found them. Then, as I put all the trash back in the can, I almost threw them away again.

eild · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was opening coffee creamer at the gas station and dumping it in my coffee and throwing the empty in the garbage. Opened the third one dumped the creamer in the garbage and threw the empty in my coffee.

Alexander_Granite · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told a girl at work that I was staring at her boobs because I thought I could see through her shirt. She had a flesh colored undershirt thing attached to her lacy top.

She laughed out off.

coolmandan03 · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wife came home after work around 5pm. Forgot to turn the car off. It sat and idled for about 6 hours till I was going to bed and I noticed a light on the inside (was the instrument panel). Walked out and turned it off.

3app1entrees · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter: enjoy your meal! Me: thanks you too

MickylivChimneylove · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once on new years I was at my friends house with my girlfriend. We were hanging out just talking out side when the new year struck. I leaned over and kissed my girlfriend, and then looked at my friend and came centimeters from his face about to kiss him and then i realized what was happening. My girlfriend had a very shocked and confused look and i was made fun of for it for 2 years. This was 2 years ago so im sure its not ending anytime soon

Chibi87 · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After microwaving a burrito, I went to throw away the wrapper but threw away the burrito instead

squid1891 · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning I was walking into the lab (calibration) onboard the ship where I was stationed. The door had a cypher lock used to access. Being rather early in the morning, I was pretty out of it.

Instead of keying in the code, to unlock it, I pointed the keyless remote to my car, at the door, and pushed the unlock button.

Took a second, or two, to realize what I was doing. Was glad that nobody else from the lab was walking in behind me, to witness this.

uno_dos_TUBA · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew kisses to a friend on Skype during a lull in conversation because that’s what I would do with my long-distance bf (now husband!)

ginelectonica · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago, I had to make a lunch run to McDonald’s because I didn’t pack a lunch that day and didn’t have much time between classes.

I got in line in the drive thru, ordered, pulled up to the window, paid, and drove home (~5 mins away from McDonald’s). Once I pulled into the garage, I realized I forgot to stop at the second window to actually get my food.

In that moment, I had the lowest opinion of myself I’ve ever had.

Exrion · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was still 8 or 9, I would go to my grandma's home before my parents would come to fetch me around 7pm. When I came home one day, I would follow the usual routine of taking a piss then showering. Except that time, I took a minute long piss into the trash can beside the toilet.

GotItFromMyDaddy · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once in a while I’ll throw laundry in the trash can instead of the laundry basket

betweenboundary · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the start of middle school I zoned out and was apparently staring at a girl at lunch, she asked me why and me not knowing what to do or say just made up the excuse that I had a crush on her, never talked to her again

flapanther33781 · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your mom.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I wake up at like 3am to pee, I start brushing my teeth instead of washing my hands.

bisexualien · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to lock my work computer with my key for for my car.

On multiple occasions.

sigh.

BoozeMeUpScotty · 1 points · Posted at 01:27:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

The gear shifter in my car is (like most) in front of the center console, but the one in our ambulance is up on the right side of the wheel. The area between the seats is just used for radios and cup holders. The other night we got a call at like 3am and I went to back up, checked my mirrors, and then I reached over...and put my hand on top of my partner’s water bottle to put the truck in reverse. She just quietly said, “I saw that.”

NonbeliefAU · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I quit a job I had been working at for about two years in favour of another job that I really wanted. First day of the new job I drove 45+ mins and turned up to my old work in my new work clothes. Didn't realise til my pass-card didn't work on the main entrance after I parked.

mo-par · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making pasta.... it was done cooking so i pulled out the strainer and put it on the counter... then grabbed the pot of pasta and poured it into the strainer sitting on the counter, hot water and all. My burnt toes immediately informed me that im an idiot.

chaoskid42 · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured milk into the bowl before the cereal

Dahvoun · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making my eggs 2 mornings ago I cracked the egg on the sink, poured the yolk into the carton, threw the shell into the pan.

LumpyPick · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work, I have bags of coin that I dump into a machine to get wrapped, then drop the bag in a recycle bin for pretty much 8 hours a day.

One time I just zoned out and poured an entire 50 pound bag of quarters into the recycle bin instead of the machine...

Had to dig out every one of those fuckers :(

Slothium · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to put bread in the toaster, was in a rush so I yeeted it into the half full washing machine which already had wet clothes in, shut the door and then took the bread back out, took a bite and then realised why I had eaten fluff from my slippers.

Gettinbyonhope · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a cashier at a grocery store during the day and then at the casino at night. I wasn't getting much sleep. I kind of dozed off while sacking groceries one day and woke up to the customer laughing at me. I had stacked way too many groceries in one bag above its rim and was repeatedly trying to make another box fit.

dickthecowboy · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to repeat sounds and words that I hear around me, when in private. I don't know why but I guess I like the vocal inflections and silly noises. I've occasionally done this in public while I'm right next to the person I'm repeating. It's made for some very awkward stares from epope who think I'm a psychopath or something.

redink85 · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once arrived home, turned off the car, grabbed some items, helped my son out the car, then flipped out because I couldn’t find my purse. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, so i figured it must have been stolen. But my laptop was in my car. In my panic, I was trying to figure out why a thief would steal my purse and not my laptop. So i set my purse down and opened the back doors again to search. Then i realized what I did. I set my purse (my PURSE) down to look for it.

I also used to drive a vehicle that was push to start. Plenty of times, I absentmindedly left the car running while going in a restaurant to eat. I’d just hop out and walk away.

Last year, my husband and I bought a house. A few days after moving in, I left work one afternoon, drove straight to our old house, parked, and went inside the house. It wasn’t until i turned a corner and saw my sister that i remembered i didn’t live there anymore (it is a family home that my husband and I and now my sister and her fiancé rent until purchasing a home). She still teases me about that.

Onslow85 · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've come home tired and stood there pointing the van keys at the front door of the house clicking it and wondering why it isn't opening.

Most embarrassing has been when I've phoned someone, been distracted by something whilst it's ringing and then when they answer I just say 'hiya' and then wait for them to speak because I've had brain freeze and thought they called me.

PiggybackPeak4 · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got nervous when I went up to talk to a streamer at Pax East this year and went for and handshake dont really know if most people would call it embarrassing or weird, but it makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear ever time I think of that interaction. Sorry Char.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finished a voicemail message I was leaving with "cheers, Luke" like it was a fkn email. It felt super weird to say but it was too late.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to make a sandwich and turn the tv on, the remote landed between the slices of bread and I only noticed when I tried to turn the tv on with a pack of cheese

octopodesoctopi · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making soup when I was about 15 and was blending it up with a stick blender. It made a ‘clunk’ sound so I pulled it out of the soup and the blade had slid out of the stick bit. So naturally I pushed the blade back in, placed my finger on it and turned it on. Obviously I cut my finger pretty badly. Then I walk into my Dad’s room, hand covered in blood, and said “Dad the blender is broken.” The look on his face was priceless.

The was also another incident during a maths class where I stapled my finger.

TL;DR stuck my finger in a blender, my finger then bled.

TattleTits · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having a conversation at Thanksgiving when my toddler brought me a thing of whipped cream. I took the lid off and handed it back to him.... I blame pregnancy brain

signawhir · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making breakfast for my first hour today and i was so entranced with the talking around me i cracked 2 eggs into the sink rather than the mixing bowl.

My buddy goes "wait, what are you doing?"

And i come to and say

"Damn eggs are too fragile"

gunnygorillatortilla · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

off topic but entertaining I’m extremely forgetful and I saw a meme a long time ago of a crab with the caption”what am I looking for Karen?” So absentmindedly every time I walk into a room and can’t remember what I was about to do I stand there and snap my hands together like a crab. Even funnier? All of my roommates and most of the people they all work with do it now.

ShoMeUrNoobs · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dropped out of college in one state, got a job that paid for school in a different state, moved away from all of my family and friends, and have lived in the new state ever since. It took me a year to realize what I did.

bergerwithfries · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

normally I eat breakfast right after i wake up on autopilot and normally have the milk in my left hand and the bowl in my right and put them away accordingly. One day i decided to switch hands and i ended up putting the milk in the sink and the bowl in the fridge without thinking about it, and when i got home later that day i realized how stupid i am. Rip that milk too.

tucker_100 · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to turn down the volume of someone speaking by pointing a ‘pretend’ remote control at them in order to do so. Not my proudest moment.

mrspacemein · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was walking out the door once with my car keys in hand. I instinctively just pressed the lock button on my car key as a means to lock my door. Felt like an idiot.

GeneParmesan01 · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After eating a youghurt I threw the spoon in the rubbish and then I put the brick in the washing machine

colterpierce · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally not even three hours ago I took my shirt off and went to set it on top of the toilet lid like I always do, But the lid was open. Which I knew because I’d used the toilet not even a minute earlier.

ashleyhype · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a Starbucks drive-thru for 3 years, and then moved to a store without a drive thru. My first two weeks on the job, I would look people in the eye and say “Thanks so much, please pull around and pay at the first window”

prancing-cow · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at pizza Hut and went to cook a pre bagged portion of wings instead of pouring them into the fryer basket. I just tossed the whole bag directly into the fryer. Picking melted plastic out of the drainage was a pain.

bootja · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

End of the day at work and I'm on the cell with my wife talking about something or other. I clocked out and was gathering everything to take to the truck... Keys check. Wallet check. Phone... Phone... After about five minutes of me looking through the office and shop for my phone my wife hears the frustration in my voice and asks me what's wrong. I tell her I can't find my effing phone and I've checked everywhere! She just starts laughing and it takes me longer than I'd like to admit to figure out why she's laughing at me.

major_shayne · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured coffee into a bowl, realized the mistake, and poured it into a mug with creamer. Then proceeded to put the creamer into the pantry.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Stayed the night at my girlfriends house, took a piss in the middle of the night and instead of leaving the bathroom and going right down the hallway into her room, I went left down the hallway into her fathers bedroom and dove right into bed with him, I fell right back to sleep and was woken up hours later. They told me the next day I was practically cuddling with him.

Another time I was saying my goodbyes to my girls family after a holiday dinner and went in for a hug with her mom and somehow I kissed her right on the lips, as if I was saying goodbye and hugging my girl.

Another time when I worked in a warehouse we had Bluetooth headsets with a robot on the phone telling us where to go to pick items, you can say voice commands back at it like “repeat” or “location. So there was many times when talking on the phone with someone I would just say “repeat”.

Urytion · 1 points · Posted at 01:29:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a wedding special effects guy. Fireworks and fog machines and all that. In my city there are really only 2 venues that get used regularly. I have gone to the wrong one so often now by boss calls me I'd we're working at the other one.

CaptConstantine · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

From Colorado, no longer in Colorado.

I accidentally rip my hash vape in public all the time.

SomethingLessEdgy · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my mom Babe once

usbfridge · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my go-to pick up lines is "ay, babygirl, lemme suck yo dick!" or some variation. My brother's friend walked into the room and I said that by reflex, which prompted everyone else freezing up because she was, infact, transgender. The person I said it to, however, loved it, and I might end up having to suck her dick soon.

SethKlock · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve poured myself a bowl of cereal and put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge more times than I care to admit.

farijuana · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

my SO's mother the other day was trying to say goodbye to me while she was texting someone and instead of saying "be careful" she said "eat carrots".

phinerz · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working a lot, and I was really tired. For some reason, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t open the door to the house. Almost started crying, but my mom opened the door for me before I could. Found out I was trying to open the door with the unlock button on my car keys...

lars7083 · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was about 15 i woke up late in the night and had to pee.
Found myself in the kitchen peeing in the trashcan... i did the "pinch method" were you pinch your dick and ran to the toilet to finish. Nobody ever found out

shogunette · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked as a cashier and when asking customers if they needed (to buy) a reusable plastic bag, my usual script was: "Did you need a bag?"

Was thinking about job-hunting while I was about to ask, and auto-pilot malfunctioned to: "DID YOU NEED A JOB?"

hebejebez · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought a pack of gum and threw the gum part away in the stinky piss bin at the bus stop and then just started at the lid top in my hands for 2 minutes trying to figure out what happened.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend had a min pin and she liked to be held. I would carry that dog around anytime I was at her place. She didn't lick you or bark,she just wanted to be held. Guess it was because my friend would put her in her bookbag and go about her day.

One day I offer to go pickup Chinese food with a friend. As we are halfway to the restaurant, my friend calls the driver and tells him to get chopsticks because she doesnt have any (this is in the days of have to press 2 3x times to get a C in texting so calling was easier). She also made him promise I would bring the dog back. Thats when we realized I was still carrying it.

CirclleySquare · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long day at work I came home, made my self a jack and coke, and promptly poured it down the sink.

mada447 · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a bowl of cereal, put the cereal box in the fridge and the milk in the cabinet.

Quanger1 · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost my glasses and couldn't find them.... I'm looking through them

platform9andsix8ths · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Quite the opposite for me. I've had the same swipe password on my phone for years. One day I just forgot the swipe. The longer I thought of it, the more I blanked. I was locked out of my phone for the entire day because of it. Then at bedtime I picked up my phone and just absent-mindedly swiped in the correct pass code. Guess I can only use my phone when I'm on autopilot.

disabledemotions · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking with my boss at my desk one day and my lips are really dry so I reach into my bag, pull out my chapstick and started applying it all while my boss was talking. It was only when his eyes went wide and he stopped mid sentence that I looked down and realised I had grabbed a tampon, not a chapstick. I was sitting there while my boss was explaining something really technical and just casually rubbing a tampon on my lips!

Kikipipi · 1 points · Posted at 01:30:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cousin works on the tills at a huge clothing store in the UK. It gets super busy on weekends and there’s always huge queues waiting to pay.

Her tills are situated at the back end of the store whereas the staff room is at the opposite end. So in order to get to the staff room, my cousin has to walk through the shop floor, where the customers are, to get to the other end of the store. It’s probably takes a minute or two if the shop floor is empty but can take a good 10 to 15 minutes when it’s busy because customers will call you over to help them.

Anyhow, my cousin was working the tills on another super busy weekend. She noticed her break had started so she began walking towards the staff trying not to make eye contact with customers. Sadly it didn’t work and she was collared by a customer asking which floor the shoes were on. My cousin answered and just as the customer said ‘thank you’ whilst turning around, my cousin shouted “thank you.....NEXT PLEASE!!!!!!”

FaceDesk4Life · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time at their home for dinner. I had to shit really bad and I've never had a problem going in the homes of others because I'm a pro at courtesy flushes. Anyhoo, I proceeded to lock the door, remove all my clothes and take a shit. It wasn't until I was finished and began to put them back on that I realized wtf I was doing. Like, I wouldn't do that at home, it's not the normal way I shit, why did I do it and why there of all places?

ohwaitimnotprepared · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I lived with my parents, I parked my car right in front of the garage. When company came over, they would park behind me. They would always leave space for me to back out, though. I usually never left when company was over though, so it was never a concern.

One time, my friend parked her car in that particular spot when she came to my house. We decided to go to Taco Bell, and I offered to drive us. We hop in my car, and I put the car in reverse. Autopilot automatically kicked in, and I backed up without looking out my mirror. I start going down my driveway, and my friend just looks at me.

“You just backed into my car.”

I was mortified. I immediately hopped out, and we go to inspect the damage. Thankfully, it wasn’t a lot. Her car did more damage to mine, in fact. I had a small dent, and some paint scraped off my car. Her car was barely even scratched. I was thankful, but I felt bad. She was cool with it, though. Her car’s over 10 years old, and it’s seen its better days. She was more concerned about mine, since it’s a 2014.

She brings it up sometimes just to poke fun at me.

reallyshittytiming · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Obligatory not me, but a friend.

We were traveling on a cross country road trip. We stop in a gas station convenience store for some food. I walk around for a bit and she heads for where the hotdogs/hamburgers are.

All of the sudden I see an attendant walk up to her, "Excuse me, may I help you?" She looks around, confused.

She's on the attendant's side of the counter.

despairedd · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Checked my mirrors to merge... while walking on a sidewalk. Freaked out when I couldn’t see what was in my “blind spot.”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Usually, it's start driving to work if I am going in that direction

Zamzar1516 · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my high school locker with my car key....

dananky · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holding my phone in one hand, glass of juice in the other. Proceeded to throw the juice on the bed instead of the phone. Fuck.

magestromx · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, the hotel I was staying at had these locks on its doors that are upside down. So when you go to open, you hold the key upside down.

Guess what; I found myself going in front of my house's door, holding the key upside down, wondering for a good minute why the door wasn't opening...

I'm so glad nobody was there... My brother would never had let me live this down.

Edit:

I also threw out the pin for my bank card before checking it, into the place where we throw the receipts... If anyone can imagine what I'm talking about, it's the place where you can't get back what you throw inside.

Took two weeks to get new pin.

DirtyyyWork · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making coffee before going to class. Filled the pot and hit start but never put the coffee grounds in. I came into the kitchen after the shower and was like wtf.

Hunchmine · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picture this: 7AM conference call Me Regional Director. 67 people on. 5 other Regional directors. CTO CFO I ALWAYS get up 6:57, waddle over to the bathroom and piss, also my ass at this time usually believes it’s an opera singer itching to flex another aria. This day, I was too sleepy and forgot to hit mute. We use Skype, it lets you know who’s speaking. I was being promoted on this call as well. Yup. My immediate bosses words. “Well hunchmine I hear you celebrating already” I hung up without saying a word. Hopped back on 10 seconds later and pretended I joined late. ......laughter erupted as soon as I said that.

Yeah.

tippitoe · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my teacher I loved them as I left.

choiceshotbro · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once lost my phone and couldn’t find it anywhere. I proceeded to look under the bed etc ....using the torch on my phone that was in my hand the whole time .There was a good 7-8 seconds before i realised

deadsoul88 · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You better be stoned when you did this

PastyWhiteAussie · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was in Germany in the winter on exchange I got used to constantly waking up and walking to school in the dark. One morning I woke up and got ready for school as usual, thinking it was odd no one else was home, so I thought I was late and rushed out the door. When I reached school about 10 minutes later I saw that all the lights were off and there were no other students, so I checked my phone and saw it was 1am and not the usual 6am when I woke up, but I had no idea because both times are still really dark. That was a fun one to explain to my host family when I called to be let back in the house.

Heslay_Cashlion · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very busy- stressed out.

As soon as walked until a public restroom, I unzipped and pulled my penis out about 5 steps early on y way to urinal.

Some poor guy walked out of the stall at exactly the wrong time. He looked at my eyes, at my dick as he stopped and I kinda started to sidestep around him, and then straight ahead in a frozen terror.

I will give him credit , he still washed his hands, although it made me even more horrified at the urinal as I realized what I had done.

shysweetpea · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay so my boyfriend has a dog called Tilly, often called Til for short. Early in the relationship he was telling me about her and how his family 'talk' for her, like say what she would say and they have a really elaborate personality for her.

I have been to visit his family a few times for about a week or two at a time and have joined in with the whole thing of talking for her and giving her a big personality.

Sometimes even when me and my bf aren't back at his hometown we'll talk for Tilly, or if we see something we think she'd like or not like we'll just say 'Til' and the other will nod and say 'Til' back, we do it pretty often now sometimes for literally no reason; just to fill a silence.

Anyway there's been a few times when I'm just sitting with my housemates watching TV and I'll just sigh and go 'Til', and they all give me weird looks and I have to explain the whole thing.

Are me and my bf weird?

NiceFormBro · 1 points · Posted at 01:31:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher "Mom"

Spacebar2018 · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured myself a glass of milk and went and got a fork out of habit after closing the fridge and then tried to eat milk with a fork in front of my family.

Throwawayaccount097 · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said, “Thanks, I love you.” to the clerk at the liquor store. He said, “What?” And I just walked away.

mexicanwetback · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just recently started working at a new ad agency, and so for every email I usually had to Reply All so my whole team was aware of everything. Day three, we all get an email from HR talking about vacation time and I respond “thanks <name>, these are great news! By the way, I’m Liz! I’m new, just started working here this week. I guess I’ll be seeing you around!” Hit send and instantly realize... oh no... I hit reply all... Company wide... To the entire country (Canada)... I try to recall but I get an email FROM THE CEO saying “too late! We’ve all seen it, welcome to <company>, Liz!” I wanted to die

arturoc123 · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning i woke up and went to brush my teeth. I nonchalantly squirted hand soap on my toothbrush ( the normal push down duckbill type) and almost brushed my teeth with it. As i neared the toothbrush to my mouth, my brain had just processed my mistake. I laughed and washed it off. Haha.... Ive done it once more since then and almost a third time but i caught myself.

Alduin1225 · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About a week ago I woke up to thinking I was late for the bus. I had missed the bus The for school the day before and was panicking. I got ready for school and got as far as packing my lunch when I looked at the clock to see how much time I had left. It was 11:30 at night. I’d only been asleep for an hour. I’m glad the rest of the house was already in bed.

JAproofrok · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to run to Starbucks for my gal, whom I co-own a small business with. Don’t mind; gets me out and about for a while; generally am very absent-minded whilst doing these errands.

Always ask her to text me her order, as I am not a coffee drinker—thus, certainly don’t know the Starbucks lingo.

“Venti Skinny Mocha, babe” is the text. Read it verbatim to the very nice young man working the counter.

He smiled.

My_Ex_Got_Fat · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two contenders here, one is got off work on swing shift bought some food, paid for said food, got handed my card back and drove home before I realized I drove off without getting my food. Luckily they were cool about it when I showed back up and all had a good laugh at my expense.

Another time looking for my phone answered a call from my gf and said "Hey I'm looking for my phone I'll call you back once I find it" and promptly hung up... Sad part was stone cold sober both times lol.

Stevie_sub · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was reading a book and tried to swipe the page like I would for an ebook. Coworkers thought it was hilarious.

throwawayaccnt1420 · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting ready to take a shower and I was talking to myself as one does in preparation for a shower, and I was nude excluding my bra and I started my shower and then realized I was still wearing it.

XschlotsofrageX · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night when I worked third shift and had started at a new company I had woken up for my shift, got dressed, showered, and headed out. On my drive I realized I drove an hour in the wrong direction to my old workplace out of auto pilot habit😂

curlypinkelephants · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day I had just put petrol in my car and, before I managed to get myself to open the correct door, opened the front passenger and two back seats and tried to get in to drive. I tried every door and swore at myself after each failed attempt. People saw.

theressomebodyinhere · 1 points · Posted at 01:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a piss in the sink.

approachingX · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once texted my boss “Good morning Cutie! ❤️”

It was obviously for my girlfriend. He understood.

SwissCheese64 · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always take off the peel of a banana before I eat it so one day I unpeeled it while standing next to the trash can but I threw away the inside part instead of the peeling 🤦🏻‍♂️

csimmo91 · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stroked a stranger's child as if it were my dog whilst queuing in a shop.

That was the longest queue of my life.

barr1013 · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a coffee mug out of the cupboard, poured myself a cup of coffee, then put the mug back in the cupboard.

BooAnna · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one guy I just met at a party was kind enough to drive me home after a night out. As I got in the car I immediately plugged my phone into his aux cord and started playing music even though I just met the guy. My brain was completely on auto pilot but we both laughed about it and he told me to continue playing my music!

metalbarbiedd · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked from home for months then started going into the office again three days a week. I never realized how foul my mouth was when I thought was alone until I was no longer working alone. My co-workers faces... I turned bright red. Oops.

UniqueAssUsername · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk in the cabinet. Cereal in the fridge. At least once a year.

SunflowerFox · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my dad told his boss “I love you, “ because he was so used to ending his phone conversations that way with my mom.

elliwhi · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up my cup of it. Threw it down the sink instead of drinking it. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

LadyLandscaper8 · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone I know approaches me in public and instead of saying "Hi! Good to see you!" like a normal person sometimes "Hi! Thank you for calling!" comes out. I've spent waaaaay too much time answering phones. Lol

studoroma · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't do well with public speaking. In high school, i had to do a 15 min presentation in front of the class. I was so nervous, i started scratching my balls, nonstop. Didn't meant to nor was it itchy. I didnt realized my actions until it was over. i felt so stupid when my buddies told me what happened. I swore i didn't had crabs or herpes.

IamLasagna · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving down the interstate for a few hours, pulled over to get gas and jumped back in after refueling... 30 minutes back down the road I then reached down to feel my pocket for a quick check for WKP. Immediately pulled over with hazards on freaking out because I thought I lost my keys at the gas station. Long drive.

TheOfficialBeeZe · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My name is Matthew. I was on Reddit and there was a meme from South Park I was looking at. I answered the phone saying "Hello, this is Butters, how can I help you?" Yes, there were other people on the room. Yes, everyone now calls me Butters.

lobroblaw · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a kinetic watch that needs to be charged. It had stopped whilst wearing it. Took it off to set the time, then looked at my wrist for the current time

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Delivered mail to the wrong house

5LU · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

When I was a small kid maybe like 5-6 years old I remember being super super sick. My dad put me into bed then put a plastic sheet on the floor next to the bed with garbage pale because I was likely going to vomit during the night. At one point during the night I woke feeling quite ill. I looked over at the pale then turned 180 degrees and puked over the other side of the bed while shitting my PJs at the same time. It was a “god damn fucking mess” according to my father. He was so nice about it though just put me in the bathtub and cleaned me up. I still have no idea what the hell I was thinking. I was literally looking into the pale I was supposed to vomit in but instead turned 180 and destroyed the carpet on the other side. PJs were also messed obviously but that would’ve happened no matter which direction I was barfing.

batmandarling · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was supposed to go to Santa Monica, ended up at school in Long Beach

BetterNerfYasuo · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Might sound ridiculous, but a buddy of mine and I were standing in line at a grocery store waiting to pay. After putting his stuff on the counter, he digs through his pocket presumably to find his wallet. Yet his hands exit his pocket not with his wallet but rather his Juul in hand. He proceeds to take a fat hit, all unconsciously until he turns to look at my laughing face, terror in his eyes. Dont worry he apologized to the cashier and everything, but damn if it isnt funny that the Juul is on autopilot

sgtrock815 · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Boiled macaroni, threw it in the colander, tossed it directly in the trash.

B plot: sometimes I’ll drive for tens of minutes and come out of a dream-like trance from a deep thought and worry about how little attention I’m giving to the road.

whalesnotbabies · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to live in Charleston and I had two jobs. Each included a drive over a different bridge. I would auto pilot over the wrong bridge on a regular basis adding 10-30 minutes to my commute. Nothing makes you feel more like an idiot!

zkooterz · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was 30 minutes in to my drive to work when I realized I forgot my keys. Called my wife to look for my keys and turned around to get them. She couldn't find them. When I got home we started looking together and I left the truck running. After about 5 minutes my wife started laughing and explained to me that we are dumb and my keys were in fact in the ignition of the running truck outside. I love that woman.

bk_cheech · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always walk around my place naked especially when I wake up to go to the bathroom or get a drink. On a family vacation, I strolled through our family shared condo to the kitchen in full view from the living room buck naked to get a drink. Had no clue what I was doing until I turned around and saw the mortified faces on some of my family members.

That one will haunt me for a while.

TheLazyGrappler · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Several years ago I broke my collar bone, had surgery to repair it and was given a slew of pain killers to keep me from screaming bloody murder at the sun every day.

I have IBS, and didn’t really pay attention to how destructive opioid based painkillers can be for me. Jist is, I ended up really backed up. I was in quite a bit of pain.

After several laxatives, I finally got it all out and blocked the toilet horrendously in the process. I then used a plunger to try and un-block that shit; it burst the pipe at the back of the toilet with the pressure of the plunge. I needed an emergency plumber, stat.

Figuring things couldn’t get any worse, I put some rubber gloves on and fished out all my little brown friends so that the plumber didn’t feel the need to off himself on the way home.

All the while I was reminding myself, hey don’t flush that fucking toilet because it’s going to make an even bigger mess. Don’t you flush that toilet. Whatever you do, do not flush.

As soon as I was finished, I grabbed the handle and gave that toilet a bloody good flush, flooding the bathroom and the hall immediately.

collectiveradiobaby · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Maybe not exactly the same thing but the only one I can think of off the bat had me stumped for days, but I feel like it made total sense in the end.

I was on ambien one night and decided to hide the bottle like I usually do so I didn't take more without realizing it. I almost always put it in a drawer. The next day I looked everywhere for it. I looked in the fridge, cabinets, toilet, drawers, washing machine. I even dug thru our garbage bags in the bin. Nowhere.

Then finally, after one last ditch effort hours later, I looked in the bag of catnip. Yep. There it was. I guess I figured that's what makes my cat sleepy & high, so that's where my "catnip" should go.

Teecus · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed in the cat box.

azwethinkweizm · 1 points · Posted at 01:34:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I accidentally shoplifted as a teen. My mom kept yelling at me to get her a Dr Pepper so she pulls up to the gas station, hands me $2, walk inside, and walk outside with the Dr Pepper. We drove home and I realized that I never paid. Mom drove me back and I apologized to the owner. He just laughed.

PupTrash · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Male here, totally walked into a female bathroom at the mall once and walked into a stall before I heard someone scream "What the Fuck" and ran out screaming Sorry.

I left the mall right after and still am afraid to go back.

Beaser · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Touched my wife’s roommates butt. I walked up behind her and gave her the ol “credit card” swipe right along the crack of her ass and then realized it wasn’t my wife. They look surprisingly similar from behind. They were both was remarkably understanding.

pinespplepizza · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friends who are a couple, guy jokingly says he loves fucking the girl, I said yeah me too, didn't realize what I said until they laughed.

melancholy_pumpkin · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, I do dumb shit like this all the time. These are great though! lol. One I can think of off the top of my head is when I was searching everywhere for my glasses and they were on my face. ha. Or another time I was frantically looking for my phone, turns out I was talking on it. (>_<)

JupitersClock · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened some time ago but it was a work Christmas dinner. I was kind of zoned out on autopilot not thinking too much. Food comes out and a fancy vegetable plate is placed in front of me. Not thinking I dive in but as soon as I do I realize wait a minute I got steak... I look around and say "actually this isn't mine" . Coworkers laughing I ask "who got this" the boss looks at me with a blank stare "I did" lol of course.

jamiemack995 · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went out one night and got into some state, woke up in the morning with my Charger plugged into a Milky Way chocolate bar

Diogenes1984 · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just this morning I was frantically looking for my cell phone so I wouldn't be late. Took about ten minutes for me to realize I was talking on it and not the house phone.

Hot-Commodity · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said excuse me to a door

HelloMissMurphy · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Constantly answering my cell phone with how I greet customers over the phone at work: "[company name here], this is HelloMissMurphy, how can I help you?" And people are like "Uhhhhhhhh". Always takes me a bit to realize.

TheBlindScribe · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gone into the shower with my socks on. Usually kick them off in my sleep, that night apparently I didn't

MusicShaman · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got back from lunch, put the car in park and went back to work. Worked another 4 hours then thought I lost my keys when I went to go leave to go home. Couldn’t find them, thought maybe I locked them in my car. Turns out my car was running for 4 hours in my office’s parking lot. Whoops.

xDarkCrisis666x · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live just off a major route. I was going back and forth for a few days my first week at my new place. And the major highway is the first left along that major route. I had to go to my college orientation and left 30 minutes before it started. The school is the second left on the major route. In my auto pilot haze I turned onto the highway, by the time I got through the toll I realized what I had done. The next exit is a 30 minute drive away...

d_deflips · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother misplaced his phone once, turns out he put it away in the fridge. Didn't find it for hours.

BIGxJAKEx27 · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a delivery driver for a pizza place in Illinois and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken the wrong exit on the interstate and accidentally drove to Indiana.

enperry13 · 1 points · Posted at 01:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought a phone prepaid scratch card, scratch the film of the card then threw it in the garbage can then wonder why I still don’t have connection with my phone. Had to dig out the card just to reload my phone credit.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 12 or 13 I was driving with my mom. As I was staring out the window on a nice summer day I began to roll the window up and never thought to move my other hand. Ended up rolling my hand up in the window as my mom shook her head in disappointment.

jlynn00 · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My alarm once woke me up on a day off, and I got up, dressed, took the Metro in and stood at the normal entrance, confused why it was locked. I worked for the government, and although there were some functions open and active on the weekends at the cultural institution I worked for, everything at my particular building was reduced and many areas locked since the most staff had off.

I Google to see of there was a shutdown I didn't know about, and texted my boss a What the Hell? message.

I don't remember what triggered my realization, but I felt like an idiot. Security was likely watching me and laughing, and my boss sent me back a message with a question mark. Had to explain that one.

Said fuck it and decided to finally check out some museums I hadn't visited yet in the area.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the phone talking to my mom while actively looking for the phone so I could call my mom.

whaletickler · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amount of times recently I wake up and immediately brush my teeth with facewash is too damn high. 3 times this week and counting. It tastes terrible.

DreadPiratesRobert · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a lifeguard I was working 60 hour weeks normally. I went to church with my family and sat in the aisle. I was falling asleep when a little kid ran past me. I was about a microsecond from yelling "walk" at him. Like I had already inhaled and stopping that was physically uncomfortable.

donkeybrainedbb · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My roommate's friend knocked on the bathroom door to check if anyone was inside while I was taking my contacts out, and my brain stuttered and I said "come in."

PegLegPorpoise · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Obligatory not me, but my mom had just cleaned up after the dog took a shit and was walking towards the toilet with the tissue in her hand. She went into autopilot/started thinking about something else, dropped it in and flushed it, then looked down to find that she was still holding the tissue filled with shit.

She then remembered that she'd had a $20 bill folded/bunched up in her other hand that she'd been holding before she had to clean the dog shit. She straight up spaced and flushed the money instead of the tissue. This was in the early 80s too, so like flushing $50 now.

forgotmypassword0928 · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought I was on the tesla subreddit.. and the posts I was seeing I'm like wtf?

HolyMollyGodBless · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called a friend of mine and he didn't pick up so it went to voicemail. For some reason, when I heard the beep, I said "hey, you've reached holymollygodbless, sorry I couldn't make it to the phone. If you leave your name and number, I'll call you back as soon as I can."

Needless to say, my friend Clint was super confused. He played the voicemail for me in person a couple days later. Hilarious. I also do it every time he doesn't pick up now.

StarsInteractive · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex-girlfriend's name was Kristina and I had a friend at the time named Kristopher. They were both just labeled Kris in my phone and long story short I sent my friend a dick pic.

BobcaygeonStars · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but watched it happen: My friend and I were valets at a Casino, and the valet parking lot shared the same exit road as the employee parking lot. He got in a patron's car to park it and instead of turning left into the valet lot he spaced out and just kept on trucking on literal auto-pilot and left property to go home. He got a mile or so off property before he snapped out of it and realized he wasn't in his own car and he still had half a shift to go.

Luckily our boss had a sense of humor and laughed it off, and the customer never found out.

ashleypickles · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for the claims department of an insurance company. I had an accident and was calling the store fault company to address my repairs. I was leaving a voicemail and was leaving all of the information like I would with my job, i immediately stopped and started from the beginning.

ShpiderMcNally · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was chilling in my room a few years ago when my brother came in (he was only about 12 at the time) and he walks straight in past me and starts pissing in my laundry basket (obviously he thought it was the toilet). Safe to say he was shook when I yelled at him for the next half hour

larueezze · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dialing 9 when I want to call someone and I'm at home.

rannieb · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent two hours making chicken stock.

Drain the stock in a colander over the sink (with nothing but the drain underneath). All I was left with were the bones and overcooked veggies.

Sgt_BigBooty · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got out of my truck at a gas station with my keys in one hand, and a bag of garbage in the other. I threw my keys away and walked in the store with the bag of garbage.

I didn't notice my mistake until I went to grab my second item for purchase, and noticed my right hand was already occupied.

KCfaninLA · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes find myself thinking of embarrassing moments I've recently done, then loudly shouting "fuck!" in public.

grimfan32 · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked up behind a woman at my gym, grabbed her hips and thrust my crotch in there her butt because I thought she was my wife. The horror....

TheFakeSlimShadyy · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to get some bread at the bakery downstairs and after being handed the bread and change instead of saying goodbye/thank you I just said a loud and clear "hello" out of nowhere. As embarrassing as it was awkward

bigkingkiwibird · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in food service and make giant batches of guacamole almost daily. After working at this job for a year I once zoned out so hard I didnt realize I had been scooping avocado and dumping it into the trash while collecting the skins in the container next to me. I had gone through a whole case of avocados before I realized what I was doing and yelled loud enough for the customers to hear me

Tenareth · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

saying "Love you, bye" to a female co-worker at the end of a call.

evs21 · 1 points · Posted at 01:36:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

just started brushing my teeth.. instead of putting the toothpaste back in its basket i put it in the sink and then spat into the basket

MsMyPants · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked retail through college. One busy night I was working the register, every movement and greeting on autopilot. I finished ringing a transaction, bent down to get a shopping bag from under the counter, and while I was bent down the phone rang. Someone else answered the phone, but I popped up, and re-greeted my in-person customer with "thank you for calling xyz, how can I help you?".

TheRealVamp · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last summer I was working the phone at a pizzaria and interning for a political campaign at the same time. The amount of times I answered a canvasser calling the office phone with “This is Pizza Shop Name, what can I get for you?” And there was the contrary, answering the pizza shop’s phone with “Candidate Name’s office, how can I help you?”

Kevinbruce88 · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was waiting for some leek soup to heat up in the microwave, while drinking a cup of tea. I put my half empty cup on the counter, and got a couple bowls to portion out the heated soup. Grabbed the container of soup out of the microwave, and proceeded to carefuly fill my tea to the top with soup.

myamazhanglife · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Server: enjoy your meal

Me: you too

the_syco · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used torch on phone to look for said phone.

Joefalcon13 · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years back I had spent a lot of time around my then girlfriend and no one else. Everytime she would walk past me I would give her a little tap on the bum to sort of say "I notice you".

Anyway, we had a little get together with some friends and her best friend walks by. Without even thinking I give her that same little tap. I immediately felt this was an unknown bum and thought "oh shit, what have I done". Luckily the friend was cool about it and just laughed it off.

sulz_e · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Long day at the office and I took a big bundle of office mail out to the mailbox on the street to post it.

Except it wasn't the mailbox.

I dumped the mail in the bin on the street that was right next to it. I was halfway down the street when I suddenly replayed what happened through my mind and I did a 180 and fished it back out of the bin in front of a crowd of curious bystanders. I now imagine someone getting an invoice with a distinct aroma of bin juice emanating from the envelope.

such-a-mensch · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The street at the end of my mom's block is closed for a year because they're putting in a new one. I lived there for many years, I now live nearby.

I go for breakfast with you little brother just about every week. I pick him up. I turn the wrong way every time. Every time haha. It's been months. My muscle memory is too damn strong and I always get him before I've had coffee.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've accidentally thrown silverware in the trash more times than I can count while simultaneously thinking "what the fuck am I doing"

Trevon-Loyd · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shaving cream on my toothbrush. I took a second look before getting it to my mouth and knew something wasn’t right. After a few seconds it dawned on me what I hade done.

xneverhandx · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was writing down notes so intentively during a lecture and I slightly overheard other classmates talking about shaving and waxing hair for about 10 minutes. Unbeknownst to me I wrote down their conversation instead of the professor. Reading back I didn't know that the civil was caused by waxing the armpit.

nowiamapotato · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my keys in the refrigerator on multiple occasions, but I think the winner is when I put the cereal box in the refrigerator, milk in the cupboard, and bowl of cereal in the microwave before falling back asleep on the couch and missing school.

Tantien_ · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my phone at night and used the flashlight of my phone which was in my hand to look for my phone.

TheCynicPotGuy · 1 points · Posted at 01:37:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad once forgot that he now owns a car , after years of using public transportation , got out of work as usual took the bus and only remembered it when he arrived to the neighborhood and went all the way back

Jaimestrange · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At Family Video, we had to greet people when the door opened and the door had a bell. I was in a gas station mini mart once, the door opened, and I snapped my head up and said, "Hello!" The guy looked at me like he was on hidden camera, and I apologized and ducked my head.

KinfDave · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was going to throw my sunglasses into my car.

I opened the door threw my keys on the dash, locked the doors and shut them.

I had to wait 3 hours till AAA came and helped me out. Luckily I was at work and on the clock.

TheDeadlySpaceman · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was putting a date in the bus the other night to go home and full on was all like, “goodnight! Love you!”

It wouldn’t be nearly as embarrassing except I’ve said it during sex a couple times too. No more meaningful then, but how do you explain it?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I waited tables in college, my wife worked with me at the same restaurant.

One night while closing, I walked by another female server and without thinking about it slapped her on the butt with my drink tray.

Obviously I thought it was my wife but I wasn't paying attention but boy was she pissed at first. When she saw it was me and I explained she calmed down, but for real coulda lost my job for that one.

I felt bad about it too, she didn't seem to think it was very funny but my wife did.

SickCiclon · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fell asleep when I came home from school in which I had to do a project the same day. When I woke up it looked like your usual morning from the closed curtains in my room and proceeded to do everything a normal person would do to get ready for school. Until I checked my phone did I realize it was really 5 p.m. Even had cereal and everything

sissy_space_yak · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed someone goodbye. I wasn't even remotely interested in him. It's what makes me cringe at night.

Squashua2021 · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in my trash can. Didn't realize it until it was over. I felt really stupid when I did tho.

AbominableSnowDog · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally started brushing my teeth with the face wash and then proceeded to reach for the toothpaste when it came to washing my face.

Rexwh91 · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice into my cereal.

rossmark · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed on the kitchen's trashcan, in my house. Midway trought, I realized, hold myself on hold and ran to the bathroom, where I finished my deposit

It did happen over 20 years ago. I still don't know what the hell I was doing

Bear_naked_grylls · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and one of my colleagues buy eachother cookies from the nearby coffee shop, they're delicious. I told him I would go and then took 5 minutes on a slow day to walk over to get 2 cookies. When I came back I immediately got drawn into my work, and absentmindedly ate both while working at my computer. He was very dissapointed, and I felt a little over indulgent.

elizaegg · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying ‘Thanks, Haddock’ to my young co worker absentmindedly, after a particularly long Sunday shift at a pub I worked at. There was a lot of haddock orders that day.

roxymoxi · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to hang out downtown a lot. A. Lot.

To this day if I'm not paying attention I'll exit and find a parking spot near my old bar before I realize it. Sometimes I just go in and give up on whatever I was going to do if it wasn't important. Finding good parking is rare.

icycascades · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge

Migzro · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting on the dentist's chair, he turned on the light on top and I immediately started smiling because I thought it was a camera's flash.

kitsunye · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend was breaking a bunch of eggs and turning to throw the shell into the trash. As I walked into the kitchen, I watched her break an egg into the trash and turn to throw the shell into the bowl.

Excelsior_01121 · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents live in a late 70's split-level and we replaced the front porch when I was younger. It was a few days in between demolition and constructing the new one which left the front door about 5 feet off the ground. We didn't have any kind of barrier up figuring that keeping the door locked was good enough. Well one night my parents were still at work and called me to get the mail. I completely forgot about the absent front porch, ran up the steps, unlocked the door and walked right out. When I realized what I had done it was too late and was falling face first into the gravel below. I felt like Wile E. Coyote and that's probably what I looked like.

zarkonz · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up to pee, went downstairs and proceeded to pee into the trash can.

Reddicini · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard.

Illyich · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I meow to my cat randomly at home. I began to meow at school once then realized I was doing it.

johannes-schnee · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once ordered a milk shake at McDonald's with ketchup flavour and got really mad when they didn't get my intention.

I wanted a strawberry milkshake.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work. Made sandwich for customer. Looked em dead in the eye. Took a bite.

IamRupe · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a strange habit of putting things in odd places when I get home after drinking. I cannot recall how many times I’ve woke up in the morning and been unable to find my wallet/keys/phone, only to later find them in the fridge, freezer, dishwasher. I’m sure there is a reason behind it.

To the story, I can home with a person whom I had recently met for some adult activities, in the morning I couldn’t find my phone and keys, but knew my standard MO. So I walk out into the kitchen and open the freezer to grab my phone (totally normal in my mind), at the same time this person was walking fro my bedroom to use the loo, and caught me pulling my phone out of the freezer. Still get laughs and comments about it from her to this day.

Also, still immediately check the fridge/freezer/dishwasher when I can’t find something.

Xoyah · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I was just scrolling through Social Media when I noticed something was missing in my right pocket. It was my smartphone I was holding in my hand and I actually asked my friend where my phone is, only to realise a second later how stupid I am.

tha-Ram · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Too many times Ive woken up really tired and as I went to brush my teeth, squeezed some hand soap onto the toothbrush...

ImNotAFurryy · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was pouring coffee in my cup but it wasnt coffee. It was fucking vegetable oil

Amerakee · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get up for work at 0400-0430 to leave by 0500 and get to work by 0545. If I oversleep my partner usually calls me at 0555.

One day I woke up, looked at the time, got up, got dressed, and left on schedule, or so I thought. As I'm driving I'm glancing at the timebthroughout the drive.

I get to work and glance at the time.

"Fifteen of, perfect."

see my partners truck, walk into the building, put my things down, log into the computer, and clock in. That's when I'm meet with a big window popping up:

"WE SEE YOU ARE CLOCKING IN 45 MINUTES LATE. PLEASE EXPLAIN:"

A wave of confusion hit as reality washed over me. It was 0645. But how? My partner didn't call to see where I was and I've been watching the time the whole drive! There's no way I didn't notice.

Turns out my partner was asleep in the annex as he was pulling a 24hr shift and somehow I was mistaking a 6 for a 5 for nearly an hour

corvus_curiosum · 1 points · Posted at 01:38:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in my early teens, I would automatically say "thank you" whenever someone handed me anything for any reason, even when it didn't make sense. So if someone asked me to hold or carry something for them I would thank them, and then we would stare at each other because neither of us knew why I said that when I was the one doing the favor. It took years of conscious effort to break that habit.

mcarlini · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pressed AP disconnect and the plane lurched because the trims weren’t set correctly. Freaked everyone out.

johnsontheotter · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Slammed in on the clutch and threw it into neutral... to come to a stop... it was an automatic.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"you too"

shit

waddup_gnomie · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always accidentally throw utensils away instead of into the sink

CPTBee · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost stole a pool ladder from Canadian Tire.

They had a register counter in the middle of the store which is where me and a couple of friends went to get some help to get the ladder, and when we did we made our way to the front of the store to pay. But in my mind I remembered seeing the register at the other counter so I just assumed that we already payed (didn't really think about it) and I started walking out of the store with this giant ass heavy cardboard box, passing by the people in front of the line who even moved for me to get by them.

It was only when my friends started laughing and calling back to me that I jolted back to reality. I felt so embarrassed, especially with everyone giving me weird looks while I shuffled back to the end of the line. Talk about walk of shame.

nexusangels1 · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in a gated community with my sister and I'm not an official resident, so I have to show proof I live there so I can get in. I've gone through many times and they know who I am. One night I was driving through and she said "oh, I know who you are." I was like "Yeah, I come here wayy too often!"

__petey__ · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I make real life mistakes and kind of think that I can ctrl+z them. Just for a split second. Then realise that I spend too much time at my desk : (

imnotagringo · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in highschool I had to go to the bathroom and when I came back to the classroom the teacher was telling an anecdote or something, and right as I came by he was pretending to shoot a gun so I pretended getting shot, even droped to the floor.

To this day I don't know what got into me but teacher loved it and classmates were laughing so I guess it was fun for all of us.

PangolinSandshrews · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at the parking booth at a zoo around closing time. I'd been there all day. It went like you would imagine usually:

"Hello, do you have a membership? ... No? (#) dollars please." Take money, Get change, Hand change out window, "Here you go, have a nice night, come again soon"

But this time it went "Hello, etc..."
Take money, get change. Hand change out window, "Hellooooooo!"

I realized about halfway into "hello" that this was incorrect, compensated by having a total brain freeze, resulting in a drawn out hello that ended up being very enthusiastic, as I was beginning to crack up realizing my mistake.

The guy in the car dropped his jaw a little and his eyes went wide. He took his change, turned and drove off, staring ahead blankly.

othermegan · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was leaving work, looked at my favorite coworker, and in a cutesy voice said “I love you”

LogicalAltRight · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend told me how great his girlfriend was in bed.

I said "Oh yeah she f*cked my..."

Oops

OdlidSutcac · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked someone i was talking to on the phone if they knew where my phone was... They had no idea where i left it either.

Bedheadredhead30 · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work nights in the ER so I did a lot of stupid shit after 12-14 hour shifts. My favorite was when my boyfriend found me desperately trying to unlock our front door by pressing the unlock button on my car key fob over and over. I thought some asshole was just honking at somebody repeatedly in the parking lot and was almost in tears I was so frustrated that the door wouldn't open! I just want to go to sleeeep.

snowskelly · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to use the bathroom late at night, groggy and not paying attention. Start peeing, wake up a bit and realize I’m peeing straight into the cat’s litter box. Quickly have to cut off the stream mid pee and quickly get over to the toilet to finish my business. To this day, some 15 years later, my mother still doesn’t believe that it was an accident.

MrWittyFinger · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I “lose” my phone only to realize that it’s in my hand and that I was staring at it and that’s why it’s not in my pocket.

Bracken_wood · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My other half does this all the time

Cypher_Bot · 1 points · Posted at 17:30:18 on December 30, 2018 · (Permalink)

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mollypoppins13 · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a retail cashier and we had this old couple come in regularly, both women, though one was transgender. you could tell she was a man before and after handing her her bag and receipt I said "have a good day sir" and I didn't realize it til they both walked out of the store

Saphiro314 · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just last week I wanted popcorn. Unwrapped the bag from the plastic wrap, put the bag in the bowl, grabbed my drink, and sat down on the couch to watch a movie.

When I looked at the bowl in front of me, I just had an unpopped back of Orville Redenbacher's in front of me.

Also this morning I put deodorant in my hair and styling gel under my arms. So now I keep those two things far away from each other in my bathroom.

LogicalAltRight · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend told me how great his ex girlfriend was in bed.

I said "Oh yeah she f*cked my..."

Oops

lgermanrn · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was about 11 when I did this but I once went into my bathroom and was ready to piss as soon as I sat down. The toilet lid was down and I literally pissed about half my bladder out before I had the chance to stand back up.

thelittlestrummerboy · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was being trained at an electronics store (like radio shack) and I had to get into the habit of asking people if they wanted the warranty with their purchase. My manager was shadowing me and it was going fine, then when I ask this one guy if he wants the warranty he just stares weirdly and goes "noooo..." kind of slowly, then he left awkwardly. I thought he was being weird, but when I turned to the manager, he was covering the smile on his face because apparently what I had said to the customer was, "how would you like your warranty?". Suddenly his response made a lot more sense...

insertrhymingpunhere · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving home from college alone and parked at a gas station. The car wouldn’t turn off and it took 3 hours of shenanigans to realize that the car wasn’t in park. I automatically pull the parking break before I turn the car off so I never noticed I didn’t actually shift into park.

Mattbi11 · 1 points · Posted at 01:39:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On at least 3 occasions now, all from my 20s to now (35), I have woken up way early on a workday, got showered, dressed and then looked at my phone only to find it was 2-3 hours before my alarm was even going to go off.

brett_boss · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just donated plasma and drove to a gas station near my apartment to get a snack. I started to walk home and realized, about 3 blocks later, that I had left my car at the gas station. As I turned around, I started to check my pockets for my car keys, and couldn’t find them. But worse, what I did have in my hand was the ring-for-service bell from the gas station cashier counter. I must have reached for my keys and grabbed the bell instead. Made for a very awkward return to the gas station to exchange the bell for my keys.

crackers2796 · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I picked up my toothbrush got it wet, put on tooshpaste, and then immediately washed off the toothpaste but my toothbrush away and left the bathroom only to realize what happened after I got back to my room

lorilou- · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left my husband, but we decided to stay friends. He was over for a chat one day about a month after we split up and I said “hey honey” and then I cried about it being so awkward.

evanr1019 · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had to go to the bathroom really bad and pissed directly into my laundry basket on all my dirty clothes

LogicalAltRight · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend told me how great his ex girlfriend was in bed.

I said "Oh yeah she f*#ked my..."

Oops

tiggahiccups · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was pregnant so already pretty dumb and I walked up to my fiance while playing on my phone at the self check out at Target. Stood there right next to him on my phone til he was done checking out and then he looked up at me and it wasn't my fiance. I'd just been standing an inch from some random guy wearing a similar sweater. I was mortified and ran off.

nibiru8722 · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called a woman “sir.” Not the worst thing in the world but the way she took it you’d think I shot her puppies.

aquatermain · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years ago, I spent months looking for three missing watches. I was going insane trying to think of where and why would I've lost not one but three watches.

One day I took a piece of meat from the freezer to make some dinner. There they were. Just there, in the freezer. I still can't remember putting them in the fucking freezer.

Kir4_ · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often try to take a sip from my bong when I can't locate anything to drink next to me.

ocifershep · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made a PB&J to take to work. Put the peanut butter in the sink during cleanup. Didn't notice until my mother called me asking why later.

KoolyTheBear · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sat down on the toilet and tried to buckle my seatbelt.

stonedsqlgenius · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used a right outer join

Umbasaman · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw away my cup in the trash and put the empty milk box in the sink to wash.

Florida___Man · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm probably late to the party, but one day my co-worker and I passed by a Pizza Hut with a buffet. Neither of us had eaten at one in years, and so we decided to stop in for nostalgia purposes. At huge end of our meal, I went to go pee. The bathroom was the largest bathroom I'd ever seen for a men's restroom that only contained a toilet, a trash can, and a sink. I was baffled by how large it was, easily fifteen feet wide and ten feet deep. Why would someone build such a huge bathroom and not put at least a urinal in it? While peeing, I did the math, and thought that it would fit at least two stalls and a urinal.

Then I realized I was pissing into the trash can.

I tried to stop mid pee while I moved to the toilet, but I was too far in. I walked bare assed and urinating over to the toilet, where I finished relieving myself all over the seat. Embarrassed and panicking, I bolted out of there and hurried my coworker out of the building. She didn't ask questions, just ran out of the building with me. We drove a few minutes before she finally asked if I was going to tell her what the fuck just happened. She got a great laugh out of it, and I've never gone back for that sweet, sweet buffet.

LikeDamnYouMightSay · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live with my friend and his girlfriend. She was out and he was wrapping her presents. He’s shitty at wrapping. Thought it was funny and sent a Snapchat to a few people of him wrapping the presents. Sent it to his girlfriends. He was upset to say the least. My bad.

deadrabbits76 · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I waived to a blind woman the other day.

Not my best moment.

tiramisucheese · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Have a good flight.” “Thanks, you too.”

Dungud · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I play drums in the high school marching band, so my hearing isn't very good. So when I'm at work (a grocery store) and am making small talk with a customer and I can't hear what they said, I say "that's nice" because more often than not, it's genuinely nice. One night a few weeks ago, I asked if she had any plans for Christmas. I didn't hear what she said, so I said, "that's nice". She said she was going to a funeral.

TheDeWiL216 · 1 points · Posted at 01:40:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for glasses while i had them on.

Reinii-nyan · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working at a call center at the moment.

So after my work day ended, I went to a supermarket. There was a line, in which I stood, and when I finally approached the cashier, I smiled at her and said "Hello! I am calling from (company name) and my name is - " and then I realized that I was reciting the opening phrase from my work. Uh-oh. But the cashier laughed and so did I.

martinlutherkong · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Typing in a phone number on an alarm keypad.

spoonbound · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've brewed coffee pots of crystal clear water, but my boss brewed a coffee pot of coffee directly onto the counter which leaked into all of the cabinets

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend and I are both Meter readers, so we’re in and out of our cars regularly. My boyfriend reads a meter, gets back in the car, and thought the seats seemed weirdly uncomfortable. He realized then, that it not only was not his car, but he had accidentally gotten in a blue Ford Fusion, when he drives a tan Toyota Camry 😂

cheshirecath · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It always seems to be in the bathroom...I've brushed my hair and casually thrown my hairbrush in the garbage before, same with my face washcloth. Also once put my toothbrush in the drawer under the sink.

EdgarMelons · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was with my friend and we stopped to get some cash out of the ATM. I put my card into the machine. Then I looked down at my wallet and saw that my card wasn't in my wallet. I started freaking out in panic, turned to my friend and said "fuck, I lost my card somewhere!!". He looked at me weird and said "umm, you JUST put it in the ATM, it's waiting for your pin". It was like in that split second between putting my card in and then looking down at my wallet, my brain reset.

SkipperThe · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my friends got me to watch Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure (An Anime) and I got real into it. I thought about getting the manga to read it and thought to myself “I should get the dubbed manga because I don’t want to deal with subtitles”.

beta_2017 · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever someone sends me a snap on Snapchat, is usually reply with “send nudes” almost 99% of the time... doesn’t matter who it is. 😅

DoctorTacoMD · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving an old used car. Back passenger door doesn’t open from the outside. I realize it must be the child safety mechanism so I open the door, flip the switch and triumphantly close it. Now the door doesn’t open from the inside either.

PIEFACE_RB · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was early morning wanted to have some cereal first I was getting some cereal I put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge and my plate in the microwave

Shougoona615 · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the baking gloves in the fridge when I was done using them.

PilotKnob · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forgot that the latest FMC software revision re-cruises if you initiate a VNAV descent more than 50nm from your original computed top of descent.

uhmandahaynur_ · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have more than once gotten into the shower with my socks/undies on.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:41:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried starting my toilet with my car keys.

Glitter_berries · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just had a shower and wandered into my bedroom without any clothes on. My blinds were up, but I overlook a backyard that is empty 99.9% of the time, except for when a man comes to mow the lawn. I’ve chatted to him over the fence before and he is a really lovely older guy. Unfortunately he was there that day, mowing the lawn and he looked up and saw me standing there, completely nude. Without even thinking I smiled and gave him a big wave. I even took a couple of steps towards the window, planning to open it up and say hi. Then I remembered that I was naked. He sort of gave an awkward, frozen kind of half wave back, then started focussing very intently on the lawn. I shuffled back to the bathroom in a shade of beetroot.

frontadmiral · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 13 or so I was daydreaming and had to pee, so I walked to the bathroom and started taking a leak. Midway through I realized that I was in the kitchen, and pissing in the trash can.

monchego · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked in the deli at Publix, I called a guy baby while asking what else he would like on his sub.

tayyylorpaige · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent about an hour making dinner just to turn around and dump my plate directly into the garbage. Just stared at the garbage can for about 30 seconds before bursting into tears and ordering a pizza.

SuddenlyC4 · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On moving-out day from the dorms I had a big bag of trash in one hand and my keys in the other. There was an oversized dumpster set up outside and I let go of the wrong hand as I tried to toss the trash in. Luckily my roommate didn't get a coronary from all the uncontrollable laughing he was doing as I climbed into the dumpster and dug through everyone's garbage to find my keys.

mmgkayla · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

often when serving a customer I go into default lines of dialogue. I’ll tell them to have a good evening when it’s 11AM, or tell them about a special they can/can’t redeem without even processing in my head what they’ve ordered. Or say ‘is that everything for you?’ about fifty times because it’s my default after every order

anonymousguy1988 · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving home from a long day at work and zoned out. Waited about 5 minutes for the stop sign to turn green.

AADarkWarrior15 · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put toothpaste on my toothbrush, set my toothbrush on the counter, then attempt to brush my teeth with the toothpaste tube more than I would like to admit

comeraghsport · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not something Ive done, but my best friend was doing my hair once and I while she was doing it I was commenting on how relaxing it was. And out of her mouth she said "Call me mammy" I shit u now ive never seen someone get so embarressed.

blynnk83 · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I attempted to put a handful of dirty clothes in the trash can instead of the laundry hamper. They are in different rooms.

FeralSparky · 1 points · Posted at 01:42:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got dressed, walked 5 blocks to wait for the bus in the middle of January. waited for about 10 minutes before I realized... it was 4am, pitch black and I didnt need to be up until 9am.

stunana · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A customer called the food place I work at, after they placed their order I said “bye, love you” and realized my mistake too late.

mcnergy · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i once put the jar of milk in the glass shelf and my glass in the fridge. It was right when my mom learned i like to blaze it....

Jruthe1 · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone fresh out of Basic Training, I'll find myself in step with other as If I'm walking next to someone. With coordinated arm swings.

cole1114 · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex's brother threw me out of the house and I got in my car to get the fuck out of there. I couldn't find my keys though, and eventually he came outside to tell me to get lost again. When I told him I'd lost my keys he just stared at me like I was an idiot before heading back indoors.

Eventually I realized the heat had been on the whole time, and that the keys were in the ignition.

SableGear · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally yesterday I was going out the door with a bag of garbage, planning on dropping it in our bin and then speedwalking to catch my bus. I stride off about halfway down the block before realizing I was still holding the bag... so I had to trot back home and drop it off before jogging for my bus.

lucidshred · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited for a stop sign to turn green

Spiral-Force · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a family reunion when I was younger and got into the habit of having to give a hug and kiss on the cheek to each family member, including some distant relatives I didn't even remember.

Unfortunately, one of my distant relatives brought a friend along...

TheRealFungster · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i started stacking washed dishes into the fridge, not my best moment

Goddab · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working as a cashier on Valentines day. A young woman came through my till at 9 o'clock at night with a tub of ice cream and a People magazine. When I asked her, "How is your day going?" she burst into tears. I no longer work in the service industry, but I am a lot more careful with innocent seeming questions like that one.

Adochy · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in retail. I can only say "have a nice day" in a single way and it's lost all of it's meaning. I also say it to whoever I'm talking with as they leave, just out of habit.

tokhi1001 · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The old scratch and sniff

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this every day. Whenever I finish dinner I go to the bathroom with my dirty dishes, then realize halfway through and walk back. When I need to go to the toilet I go to the kitchen

lupussmoth · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when i calling somebody i walk there and back all time (this let me focus easier on call), one time when i was talking with friend by phone i wandering again everywhere ,thing start tonbe weird when i end call and find out i was standing on table in dinning room,idk how i was get up there ...

0dintimes · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put toothpaste on my hand instead of my toothbrush

jyozefu · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

masturbate

autumn-breeze210 · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a law office and if I ever have to make a call I start the call off by saying “Hi my name is Autumn, I’m calling from the law offices of... oh sorry I’m at work and I’m dumb”

newtestleper79 · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I reached through my steering wheel to reset the trip counter, only I did it mid-turn and almost broke my wrist when the wheel whipped back around after finishing the turn.

CallofthewildPeacock · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cereal in the fridge, and the milk in the pantry.

thesecretfrogs · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get my tooth brush out as normally but instead of toothpaste I squirt hand soap on it. Actually happens a lot and unfortunately I don’t always realise before I brush my teeth.

cucumbermoonrise · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

reposted this question on r/askreddit oops lol teehee

white_rino · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always trying to use my work badge instead of my fob to get into apt complex. Then getting unneccessarily frustrated when it doesn't work after a few times only to realize I'm the idiot with ppl waiting behind me..

theREALpp · 1 points · Posted at 01:44:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to take a shit and I handt put the toilet seat down the last time I went to the bathroom. Do I need to finish?

KoltiWanKenobi · 1 points · Posted at 01:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Watching Game of Thrones with the Fiancee. Someone o. The show said something like, "And you failed to protect them." And she looked at me and said, "Would you fail to protect me, baby?" And just said, "Yup," without thinking or actually processing the question.

It's now a fun inside joke.

SpoonwoodTangle · 1 points · Posted at 01:45:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lived in Australia for 2 years, where I did not have a car. I only drove there once ever, in a parking lot. I drove down the wrong side of the parking lot lanes.

Came home, was driving around and definitely drove down the wrong (left) side of a street. Only had one angry & confused driver dodge me...

Balaguru_BR5 · 1 points · Posted at 01:45:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Everything was super blurry and I couldn't handle it.

So I squinted my eyes and tried to get my eyes to autofocus like some camera. Went on for about 2 minutes.

I then realized I probably should wear those prescription glasses I've been wearing for the past 10 years.

walkingamongdancers · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my mother. When I was in 3rd grade she and I were planning a quick visit to my grandmothers but as we were leaving my mom couldn't find her purse. After the both of us scoured the house for it she decided to give grams a call to let her know we cant make it. She reached into her purse that was on her shoulder, pulled out her address book, called grams and told her we weren't coming before she realized what she just did.

jehosephatreedus · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh man, I just did this today. As a tired server thinking about everything but my job, I grabbed a few glasses to put ice in, then to put water in them, then put on the serving tray. I grabbed the serving tray and scooped ice onto it. I think I missed a step or two.

Mullet_Police · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock my fridge with my car keys.

normallystrange85 · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After switching jobs, I got up and drove to the wrong one.

adrienne43 · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "orange juice" out loud to myself as a reminder to buy some later without thinking of where I was, so to the other people in the public washroom it looked like I walked up to a toilet and gently whispered "orange juice"

Harley_Quinn6969 · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband cracked an egg on the side of his bowl and opened the egg onto the counter instead of in the bowl. Laughed, cleaned it up, then proceeded to do it a second time

mandeemagenta · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving right past the place I need to go and ending up at a different place that I go to more often.

Not that embarrassing on its own, but the frequency that it happens to me sure is

Bacon55555 · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually come home, hang up my coat, undo my belt and take my pants off. Once at the airport, while taking my belt off for the TSA scanner, I started dropping my jeans to my ankles. Luckily my wife slapped me before they got past my knees.

dancingbanyanya · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I was at the mall and a cosmetic lady was trying to sell my dad skin cream and she asked me if i was 12 years old, to which I quickly replied yes.

Im almost 17. My brother and my dad had to correct me, because i had no idea that i said that.

ImmyJDT · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I’m tired on the bus 90% of the conversations I have are Me: fuck you Him: fuck yourself Me: I will gladly We don’t take it seriously but it just is automatic now

MuddyMaggs · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking into the locker room after gym class to change. Must have already thought I was there, because I took off my shirt while still in the gym. Only people left in the gym were male classmates and male gym teacher. I’m female, and this was middle school when I should have been wearing a bra but wasn’t

I_need_more_wine · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into my old cubicle and essentially started to sit down on a chair (that someone else was already sitting in). I was looking at my phone.

Pepperacorn · 1 points · Posted at 01:46:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

6th grade. Math class. Room had a sunny window and I was sitting in the rays of sun. Realized that the protractor I was working with reflected the sun pretty well. Minutes later, zoning out while the teacher was talking, angled the bright ray of sun onto what I was looking at; their face. The heat from her scorching looks was enough to melt me into a puddle of embarrassment. I was always a good and quiet student and respected my teacher and now I looked like an asshole. Never worked up the courage to apologize, though. Sorry Mrs. Nienow.

JakeYashen · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to wash a few drops off water off my hand...by turning on the sink and sticking my hand under the faucet.

nachomacho69 · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a bowl of cereal. I poured the cereal, “milk”, sit down and take a bite. It wasn’t until then that I realized I put lemonade instead of milk. That was over 20 years ago and I still think about it.

SethQ · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work retail, and one night after a long shift I walked into Jack in the Box. Out of instinct I said "hey, food you find everything you're looking for?" And he just stared at me and said "uh, yes?". And then we stood there for like ten seconds before I said "fuck, uh, a number six, please?" And the transaction went as normal.

Bruce_wayne89 · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Resigned my last job recently after 2 years.

Went back to work on Monday after the weekend.

Luckily realized that as I stood in front of the elevator that wait.. No mooorrreeeee.

Best drive home ever!

Chewsford · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My auto response to my wife is "you're a (insert whatever she said)" ie Wife: we need to clean the house Me: you're a house

One day she said something along the lines of, "Man that thing is fat."

And I said, "You're ffaaaa....nope. nothing. Didn't say anything."

It was almost bad..

Rocketboosters · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking up some stairs and fell over when I reached the top because I forgot there weren't any more steps left

Drfilthymcnasty · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at work when someone walked up to counter, and I said “thanks for calling your local (insert generic supermarket) my name is Drfilthymcnasty, how may I help you?”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I emptied a can into the recycling bin instead of the sink the other day

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mine feels very common but one morning before my coffee I put the bread in the refrigerator and the milk where the bread should go.

OverdueKinkajou · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was stoned, drove my friends out to eat. When it was time to go, I reached in my pockets for my keys and couldn’t find them. Looked under the table, in the bathroom, everywhere in the restaurant. Figured I must’ve locked them in the car. Turns out I had just left the keys in the ignition and the car was unlocked and running the entire time we were in the restaurant

djkeeblerlphie · 1 points · Posted at 01:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the girl's bathroom after an exam I broke night for. Didnt even think that there weren't urinals strangely. Just walked into a stall, did my business. I didn't know until I exited because the door across said "MEN".

hypercombofinish · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Way back when i was about 15, 16 i used to play what some may call too much street fighter and use to also be in martial arts classes. During sparring my opponent kicked really wide and my brain straight glitched so i did shoryuken and tried to throw a hadoken after. I felt like a moron when i realized what i did & they laughed a bunch that day and it embarrassed the hell out of my brother

CountingScars94 · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock the house with my boyfriends key fob, then got angry because it wasn't working.

Ertzuka · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lost my shoes. I was at a LAN party and hadn't slept in 48 hours. I was at that auto pilot state buying food and when i was carrying the food back to our seats i realized that i didnt have my shoes. I was walking on my socks and they were black becouse they were so dirty. I didn't find my shoes ever again. I called my dad and he brought me another pair.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've said "love you" on accident to random people after conversations with family on the phone.

esolares40 · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started taking off my pants at the airport when they asked me to remove my belt

KneeDragr · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew through 2 red lights back to back.

hauscal · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left the men's restroom room at work and saw one of my female coworkers heading my way. So I did what any gentleman would do- I held the door open for her.

Pinga_Slinga · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the cinema I work at there is an upstairs and a downstairs in the main cinema with a set of stairs being the only way up. A man in a wheelchair comes in and out of habit I say “you can sit in the back four rows downstairs or anywhere upstairs” and I just see his face turn and I know what I did after I said it.

nouranit · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the headphone in my mouth and the food in my ear.

glenncammay · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked out the house and was waiting at the crosswalk for the light before I realized I was still brushing my teeth

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shot through the localizer because I forgot to set it from heading to nav. It was quite embarrassing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just earlier I was making cookie dough and while adding flour, I went to scoop up some more . . . out of the bowl that I just poured flour into. Good thing I caught myself. I also almost added a TBSP of baking powder instead of a tsp.

ch0lera · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn’t find my keys. Immediately pulled out my phone and started to google “where are my keys”.

Bamzookiii · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “Love you, bye” to the bus driver

KoolyTheBear · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve tried to use my work badge to open my mailbox at home.

FuckOhioStatebucks · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I... Indulged in some psychoactive materials after a long day of work and passed out on my porch. I come to like... 2 hours later and see that the sky is dim, and that my clock says 7:30, I freneticly get ready for work and HAUL ASS there. I was amazed at my options for parking and see a man I know in the parking lot. I stop and have a discussion with him in the parking lot about how we'd seen one another a few nights prior at Ruth's Chris... This was another bald, black man...

I was absolutely mortified because I found out he was the head of employment lawsuits and he just fucking went with it for AWHILE. Only after speaking with him at length, do I realize I'm so fucking throwed I thought the time was 12 hours off. Also, this was a fucking Friday, so I don't know what tf I was thinking.

Im_Wearing_Pants · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once spent 45 minutes looking for my glasses before I realized everything was in focus.

LstCrzyOne · 1 points · Posted at 01:48:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a public relations position that as part of the job has me actively make eye contact, smile and wave at folks driving by, on more than one occasion I’ve found myself doing this outside of work. The most recent being in the grocery store parking lot, I’ll never forget the confused uncomfortable look and awkward wave-back I get from them like “why is this man staring me down smiling...oh he’s waving...do I know him? Let me wave back..”

jergonza13 · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks ago I went to go reach into a bag of chips but instead drunked my hand in my girlfriend's full glass of water that she was reaching for right next to the chips

IAmANobodyAMA · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told my roommate I loved him. I was in car with family and on phone with roommate and was in a conversation with both parties. Instead of goodbye I said “love you”.

We are good friends, so it got a chuckle and ridicule fortunately.

EnshaednCosplay · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left town to drive to another city, about 60 miles north. I got on the interstate going south, and didn’t realize I was going the wrong way til I had driven about 30 miles south of my hometown.

OmahaMike402 · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many times I've opened a new beer while I still had a warm beer sitting for me waiting to eat drink

chitowntopugetsound · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My SO got home an hour ago from the grocery store all jazzed to put some egg nog he bought into coffee. He hurried to make, then happily drank his coffee, even sampling some peppermint cookie bar my co-worker made and putting on Christmas tunes while doing so. Then, caffeinated, he went to do some dishes. Only now does he realize he forgot to put the egg nog in.

Heebmeister · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I took a document to fax, placed it in the copier, and dialed a fax number on the copier where you enter in the number of copies desired, then loudly complained when it didn’t work.

UrethraFranklin42 · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sell wine and often taste with clients and spit. Once I to my horror accidentally grabbed my potential client’s glass and spit the wine before my mind reengaged.

bodhi-r · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Needed to crack an egg and just smashed it into the counter.

TeralPop · 1 points · Posted at 01:49:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Freshman Year high school during World history. In the middle of the teachers lecture, I randomly said for no reason at all (on autopilot): “Is the plural of Bigfoot ‘Bigfeet’ or ‘Bigfoots’?

Needless to say it was one of the most awkward silences ever. I never heard a quieter classroom and never felt so many beading eyes burning into my skull.

aquacarrot · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents redid their kitchen this year. They moved the fridge to where the hutch was, the hutch to where the clock was, and the recycling to where the fridge was. I keep walking down to the end of the kitchen to unload groceries to the recycling. Then I go to the fridge to get a pen, and look to the hutch to get the time. This last week staying here had made me question my sanity.

Imjustapoorbear · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to have a travel sized tube of toothpaste paste. My normal routine in the morning involves going the bathroom, squeezing off a small amount into my finger and that into my mouth to get rid of my morning breath.

Except one morning I don't grab that toothpaste. I grabbed the some other ointment instead.

Yeah, I woke up very quickly after that.

Halfrican608 · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hotel receptionist: Enjoy your stay!

Me: Thanks...you too!

srosin2 · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat down on the toilet, top was closed, pants still on, and shit... rough night

Acuteanon · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just broken up with my now ex-girlfriend. I was living at her house, and couldn't find any place to stay with such short notice, so I moved back in with my parents. Fast forward about a week, I'm driving home from work, pull in the driveway, get out the car, start to walk up the door, realize where I am, and go "damn, I don't live here anymore..." Got back in my car and drove to my parents house. I felt like such a looser.

EducatedDeath · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not embarrassing but felt really weird when I noticed it. I was really groggy one morning before work, stumbled into the bathroom and started brushing my teeth. About halfway through I realized I was brushing them in the opposite order as usual. Something so routine that I don’t ever have to think about but suddenly I’m doing it wrong. Small but a real WTF moment for me. I have no idea why it bothered me so much. Anyone else have a specific order in which they brush your teeth?

professorcasual098 · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up in the middle of the night so I got up to get a glass of water. On the way back to my room, i bumped into someone. Groggy as I was, I immediately apologized and went on my way. It only occurred to me once I got under the comforter that I live alone and that I bumped into my fridge.

DatsunL6 · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving work I go to unlock my bike. When I'm done I realize I've just locked up my bike which has been sitting unlocked all day.

I've done this a couple times

SEA___BEAR · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a pool as a lifeguard. We had two separate pools. I’d have to chemical every two hours and the second pool was rarely used. After doing the chem check for the second pool I’d lock the gate. One day when it was open I locked the lifeguard that relieved me inside the pool, closing it out of habit.

Pflanzmann · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I‘m a student, so my life is just relaxing 70% of the time. I go to sleep rly late and every fucking day i do the same shit:

I turn off my pc Turn off my table lamp Undress myself Turn on the room light Lay down in my bed Start to be angry becouse the room light is on

Cowfresh · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sleepy me in the morning sometimes can't differentiate between face wash, shampoo etc. and end up exfoliating my hair / vice versa.

Have also been known to put the milk/other things from the fridge 'back' into the cupboard/freezer.

Also once at work in the kitchen, I wasn't paying attention and poured the hot water from the kettle into the huge jar of instant coffee instead of my mug, making a brown paste and destroying all the powder.

MAGNUSx3 · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Often times, I have thanked the ATM when I receive my cash

OlafShvenski · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had twins a few months ago. Sleep deprived auto pilot. I once sorted laundry into 3 piles: mine, wife’s, babies. When all was said and done, not one pile was correct. All a mixture of all three types. Also, I also drove home to our old house we moved out of months prior once.

BigMusles · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always wake up in the middle of the night and go to pee in the bin. Must be something with me as a person because I’ve done it in many different houses

equalunique · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend and I start calling random friends/family "honey" after enough drinks. It's embarrassing but somehow we both do it, so it's ok.

king-geass · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened just yesterday, I was standing in line with my partner at the Bulk Store and Im just carelessly texting. The gentleman beside me offered to let me go ahead of him in line and I walked over to the cashier. I then realized that I wasn't even buying anything, said as much, and sheepishly went back to my partner who had a huge grin on her face

She's used to my dumb moves lol

MailOrderBridesmaid · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never related more to an AskReddit post. Clearly I either need a vacation or a daytime job! X)

nutmegette · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In college I walked into the wrong dorm room, right room wrong floor. The door was open and there were two guys inside. I guess I must have looked very upset because they chased after me to see if I was ok after I ran away.

asynchronicity · 1 points · Posted at 01:51:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had to refill my bird's water. I thought I was already at the sink and poured the water straight onto newspaper lining.

iamthechiefhound · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The night before Easter one year I had a pretty great roast session with my brother and some buddies. We smoked in pretty consistent intervals thought out the night. It was me second time smoking so the next day I was pretty exhausted. I was sitting next to my grandma on her couch and she lit a cigarette and I instinctively turned towards as if i were next in the rotation. I don’t believe anyone noticed but still was quite funny

babatumbi · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to also jump onto my bed in a starfish position when I was tired and just wanted some rest. One day, I come back from football training pretty late on so it was dark and naturally I just wanna lie down straight away. I was so tired that I didn’t even turn on the light in my room and jumped straight for it.

One thing I didn’t know is that my mom tried to surprise me by rearranging the furniture in my room that day. So when I thought I was jumping onto the bed I actually ended up jumping head first against the wardrobe. I fell, the wardrobe fell on me and everyone in the house rushed in my room.

I only got concussed and was fine the next day but it still gets brought up on family gatherings and gets a laugh

EwePhemism · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drunk my kid’s dirty paint water, because it was positioned next to my actual beverage.

It was not tasty for me.

paintwalls · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years ago, I was living alone in my first apartment. I woke up on the couch needing to piss real real bad. I got up and walked to the trashcan, opened the lid (which worked like a toilet seat), and just let it go...Near the end I kinda came to and was just like, "...Shit".

I used to drink a lot. And also, there was a trash pickup service. I really should've been more thoughtful and taken it to a dumpster myself, but I think I just threw it in the bin for them to pick up.

iiSystematic · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my dad locked me in the car when I was a child and got so mad that he did it that he threw the keys on the ground

XvX_Joe_XvX · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but...

I broke a $2,500 scanner

I work in a local distribution center for a major shipping company. Part of my equipment is a belt with a holster for my scanner, tape gun, label printer etc. One particular day I was out on the belt working on a problem package without my belt. I fixed the problem, printed a new label, and slipped my scanner into my nonexistent holster.

2parthuman · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drank a jug of chaw spit instead of my tea

beamo1220 · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a teenager I was a very sound sleeper and practically never woke up in the middle of the night. One night I woke up at 2am so I thought it was morning and got up and started taking a shower. I didn't realize my mistake until my dad came it and asked what I was doing.

BenDoesGames · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in school, around Christmas time. One of my teachers shared out a tub of Heroes (chocolate) with the class and I got gifted an absolute underdog of a chocolate. I got given a fudge, my favourite out of the tub.

As I left the class, I unwrapped my chocolate and without thinking, threw it into a bin and almost put the wrapper my mouth. I was devastated. I still think about it to this day, 5 years later...

Pope_Industries · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked 12 hour shifts, and after work i would go to the gym and work out for an hour. One day i was so tired i probably shouldnt have drove. Well i was sitting at a red light just dazed the fuck out and the turn light went green. The green light lit up my soul and i gunned the gas not realizing that my light was red. Luckily no one on the other side was turning so i didnt cause an accident.

CakiePamy · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wore two different boots. I took off a boot, put on a different shoe and left. I was incredibly tired, had a day full of exams. I woke up the next day trying to get ready to go to school and realized my mistake.

Floognoodle · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put toothpaste on a hairbrush.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was maybe 13 years old, me and my family returned from a dinner out. I was sleepy but had to piss, so I opened the garbage can and started taking a leak. Mid way through I caught myself, and luckily no one saw, although the smell was probably noticeable.

cheddarz · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to wash my hands with toothpaste.

Squirrel_Empire · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked as a cashier, I woke up to my alarm but the beeping reminded me of the register, so I picked up something from the floor and "scanned" it in front of the clock, and pushed the clock off my dresser, and fell out of bed, waking up for real finally in that moment.

kimbereen · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stood in front of the door to my home pressing the unlock button on my car key waiting for the door to open.

taellumi · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“enjoy the movie” “thanks, you too!” i say to the person selling the popcorn

ci2om3p0ny · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years back in high school, I had a few friends over for beer pong. My parents were due back around noon the next day. Since we didn’t have beer we instead used vodka. As the night pressed on and people got a little more lackadaisical I followed them around cleaning up messes and mopping at the end to wind it up. Next day they all left and I did my last couple tasks. I could not For the life of me find the mop bucket full of dirty water. 2 hours I searched. Finally giving up checked the fridge for a snack....there it was in all its glory. Middle shelf. Thing is I probably looked in the fridge for food early and did t even notice it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple weeks ago I drove home after a 12 hour shift at work and got all the way to the front door before I realized I'd forgotten to pick my son up from his dad's house.

embrace_mediocrity · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work as a microbiologist for a medical device company. When culturing bacteria, we couldn’t mix different lots (bottles) of culture (everything must be traceable and recorded). If there wasn’t enough in a bottle for a culture, I’d toss it and open a new one.

At home one night, I poured myself a glass of milk that only filled about half of the cup. Disappointed, I brought my glass over to the kitchen table, upset because I wanted a full glass of milk, but I couldn’t mix different lot numbers.

It took me an embarrassingly long time before I realized that I could just open a new gallon of milk and add it to the cup.

Graphics_Nerd · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the public pool as a kid. My buddies and I had stayed up all night playing Nintendo and I was exhausted.

Took my shoes off, took my shirt off, then pulled my trunks all the way down thinking I was about to get in the shower.

freedom4dads · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was driving and turning left at a green light (In the US) and in the middle of the intersection, as I was turning onto the cross street, I looked up at that street’s red light, stopped and waited. In the middle of the intersection. Everyone started honking and I still didn’t realize what I was doing wrong. A cop pulled me over and was just like... are you ok?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve put body soap in my hair and shampoo on my body while showering wayyy too many times.

JoshinAround · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a senior in high school, every morning we would wake up for school last minute because who doesn't like to sleep in?

One morning I jolted awake thinking I was going to be late for school so I ran into the bathroom to shower. About 5 minutes in I hear a knock at the door and it opens a crack and I hear my dad say "Hey you alright? It's 3am."

It clicked for me right then, so I finished up, dried off, and went back to bed for a few more precious hours of sleep

Tellmeyouloveme- · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I growled at my best friend who was reaching for my fries lmao. Like I didnt even think about it I just saw someone tryna steal my fries and I growled

mountainsprouts · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I first got my drivers license I stopped at a red light and an ambulance pulled up behind me, without it's sirens on or anything. I panicked and ran the light because an ambulance was behind me. I never told my parents and I guess there was no camera at that light cause I never heard about it.

PsySnaccs · 1 points · Posted at 01:53:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going to go to a friend's house in the morning by Uber. Requested Uber, get in ride to work on my day off. Walk in clock in, start working "PsySnaccs you're in today?!". I played it off as I was getting the next day's orders done real quick so I could work on another project tomorrow.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wore two different church shoes on a formal outing. I wasn't feeling super well, so I blame it on the foggy sick brain, but I honestly think I just was careless.

mrspoutine · 1 points · Posted at 01:54:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other day I went to fill up on gas. I was so confused when it wasn't fitting in my tank. Then I started aggressively pushing the regular unleaded button but it wouldn't start. It took a stranger yelling "you're using the wrong one!" To realize I had the diesel hose instead of regular gas.

I've been filling my own gas tank for almost 14 years and never made that mistake. I blame my brain post-12 hour shift for that.

Patrickitty · 1 points · Posted at 01:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a phone repair shop. I completely disassembled an iPhone screen to replace it, but I put the whole thing back together with the broken screen back on it. I was really hung over

Sinistrality1 · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once said my name to a waitress at a Chinese restaurant in response to “What would you like to drink?” She heard Tea and I said “Uh huh”, realizing how stupid I was.

Monkey_Ninja · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used my key fob to unlock the front door to my house, from the inside

flipilikeck47 · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving work one day after a particularly rough shift and got in the car to leave. I was out of the parking lot and halfway down the street when I couldn't remember if I had grabbed my car keys so I turned around and headed back to work. I got back into the parking lot, turned my car off and started to leave the car when it hit me.

Eiza_Borealis · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went into my room with my phone and a cup of soda, went to toss my phone on the bed, threw the soda instead.

big_chilly_style · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up to find out I put the cereal inside the fridge, and the milk on top.

BUCK3TM4N · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know when you select text to copy on a phone. I did that but didn't hit copy. So I texted my dad a pornhub link

dajolie · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was taking out the trash in the big dumpster outside of the building. And decided to grab all those spam magazines from the mailbox on the way out. I was absolutely not thinking what I was doing, so I accurately put the trashbag, magazines and my phone in the dumpster. Next 30 minutes I spent looking for my phone all around the apt. And 15 minutes after that I spent looking for my phone in the trash, while neighbors across the street were silently watching me.

Galdeater5 · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My toothpaste is in a dispenser next to the soap. So woke up early for work in the morning still half asleep and proceeded to wash my hands with toothpaste and brush my teeth with soap...

anothergumgutmorning · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called the bus driver mom in middle school.

Kiberz · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have so many moments like this at work it's a little worrisome. Just yesterday I was making a maki roll with soy paper and after I spread the rice and flipped it over I went back into my soy paper package to pull out another piece. I've also tried to squeeze spicy mayo onto the rice side, or put filling onto the nori before grabbing rice, or it's time to roll the maki but instead I go for more rice. I've been doing this almost two years but I still have these little moments regularly. Not just with maki either. I'll break down lobsters and after twisting the tail off I'll toss it into the garbage instead of the carcass. Or I go to fry tempura shrimp and instead of dumping the shrimp into the flour and the portion bag into the garbage I'll do the opposite. The list just goes on.

TwoTabsShort · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my mom "babe"

user01312001 · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my phone. Found my phone went into my room. Thought to myself that I need to get my phone before I sit my chair. Went out into the leaving room. Looked around for a minute. Then felt something vibrant in my hand. Realized that I'm an idiot.

tokingfish · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I washed my hands in the toilet. I guess I saw running water when I flushed and just put two and two together

itsyaboii101 · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking to my roommate while holding a bottle of water wanting to empty it in the sink then throw the bottle in the bin. But what I did was walk over to the bin and pour the water into it.

He joked ever since that happened while I held a bottle of water saying 'hey man I think the bin is thristy!!,

creatureofthecrows · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let’s see, one time I threw my socks into the trash can instead of the laundry basket. Another time I put the milk into the cupboard and the oatmeal into the fridge.

The most amusing time was when I was walking to get a drink of water. The hallway was pitch black, and I didn’t turn any lights on, thinking, “I’ve only walked down this hallway more times than I can count; I’ll be fine. The door to the kitchen is right up ahead. Fast forward about one and one-half seconds.

The door was left closed. One resounding thud, followed by a considerable headache. I walked full speed into a sliding wooden door. In case you were curious, I walk, well, briskly.

Very briskly.

I’ve got to be honest with you, though. Even right after it happened, I was kind of laughing at myself. But it totally hurt.

WhiteRaven1216 · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the game but I pulled up at the gas station (servo in Australia) parked at the pump, got out, locked my car, walked into the servo and asked to pay. I hadn’t put anything in yet

MigratingCocofruit · 1 points · Posted at 01:55:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered a biscuit and took a bite out of the phone.

suxxx666 · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven't done this for a very long time, but a couple of times when I was in elementary school I'd wake up at some random hour in the night and just like...start getting ready or school. I never bothered to look at the clock or anything and would just start getting dressed, brushing my teeth, etc. when it was actually like 2 in the morning. My mom caught me one of the times and she had to tell me it was 2AM and to go back to bed haha.

94bronco · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While working from home I needed to wordsmith a "get your shit together" email. Kids were around and when I sent it and I wrote the salutation as "Love".

njklein58 · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was really tired this one night and really needed to pee. Walked right into a public restroom and peed right into a trash can.

Anony58 · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried cleaning my glasses. After tapping around on my face - attempting to find my glasses (to get it off), then become confused that I don't feel it, find it - it took me a good 5-10 seconds to realise I wasn't wearing it and something was in my eye...It still happens every once in a while and it fully freaks me out, always.

PS: I've been wearing glasses for like 13+ years, it's strange to say, but it's a part of me now.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked counting money at the casino. Lots of security and surveillance and strict guideline of procedures.

One of those guidelines were to clear your hands before handling money before and after it hit the ground. So a nickel rolls off the table onto the floor "Money down", raise hands and show camera front and back, pick up money, "Money up", place money down on table, clear your hands once more.

You also had to clear your hands when entering or entering a secured area. Entering the room involved clearing you hands at each of the three doors you passed through. Again when exiting.

Either at home or some place like the store, drop something, my hands automatically clear themselves before I reach down and pick that something up at.

fuckgoldsendbitcoin · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got some shampoo on my fingers and my brain decided that I should lick it off. Started gagging the millisecond it touched my tongue and started questioning wtf is wrong with me.

Shady_Lamp_Post · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to put the milk jug in the cabinet multiple times.

AyeBoredGuy · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple times I’ve left my phone in the fridge.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I didn't close the gas cap... but fortunately someone noticed not even 2 minutes after at a stop light and closed it for me. I told them "I'm really stupid, thank you" and they smiled and laughed back to their car. Felt like crap the rest of the day, and now I doubt myself when it comes to the most basic tasks.

lovelyfeyd · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a private pilot. One day I took my hands off the steering wheel of my car and tried to steer with my feet. That's how you steer most small planes on the ground. Luckily I wasn't going fast and the road was straight.

madamhakike · 1 points · Posted at 01:56:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at a medical primary care office a few years ago. During thanksgiving time making reminder calls about appointments, every single person says "happy thanks giving" to which I'm obligated to wish a happy Thanksgiving as well. On one of the last calls (which have been around 40) I'm rushing to get off the phone because of patient being at my desk. Lady says "happy Thanksgiving" as I'm about to hang up, can only get out " Thanksgiving!". Still makes me chuckle remembering my coworkers over hearing me just saying "thanks giving" into the phone and laughing with me about it

Mikamellian · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw the whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet, filled with urine

Lord_Lamington · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The countless times I've grabbed a fork for my bowl of cereal

Heraldic4 · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a lady from the bank (on the phone), “ok, love you, bye.”

paulmathews8 · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t even imagine how many times I have reached for and tried to take a drink out of a ketchup bottle or something similar instead of picking up my glass of water. It’s a real problem. And it must look insane to other people.

HD372 · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in the laundry basket instead of the toilet

jeremy71504 · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have two I drive a manual car and any car that has black interior I try to hit the clutch when coming to a stop constantly. Also I work for a dealership and we leave the keys in the ignition for waiting customer or if it’s in my bay. Well I had a habit of leaving my own keys in the car when getting out. I still catch myself doing it once in a while.

DoorHalfwayShut · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in middle school, after a basketball game, we were all eating at a restaurant. Our teacher was the coach. My friend wanted to ask him something. He raised his hand at the dinner table.

VoiceOfGosh · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Microwaved a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch because I thought it was oatmeal for some reason... The house smelled real good though!

riotsquirrelz · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking to my Grandma on the phone, I told her I had to get off to find my cellphone. She said okay, I hung up. Looked around for a minute, looked at the phone in my hand. It was my cellphone.

boncatx · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my work's staff room we have a water boiler above the sink. One lunch I went to go wash my hands at the sink and my brain somehow mistaked the boiler tap for a soap dispenser.

Ouch.

tarwellsamley · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working in the shop and couldn't find my safety glasses, so I grudgingly put on one of the communal pairs. It was smudged so I took them off and started wiping them down... and then realized something was on my face... and I reached up and pulled my pair of safety glasses off my face.

packed up, turned around and went home before I hurt myself. somehow I hadn't realized I had the glasses on my face even after I put a second pair over them.

LetsGetFunkyBabe · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s funny this was just posted because 2 nights ago I was staying in an hotel for work. I was kind of sick and was taking NyQuil so I could be rested for work. Well I woke up in the middle of the night to piss all NyQuiled up and made my way to the bathroom, pissed, and went back to bed. I woke and found I just pissed right into the hotel room’s trash can. Didn’t even realize doing it the night before.

swentech · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work we have a machine that spits out hot coffee out of one spigget and hot water out of the other. One morning really tired and busy threw some instant oatmeal in a bowl and put in what I thought was hot water. Later realized I had filled it up with coffee. Was committed at that point and had to eat it all. Was not too bad.

HunterForce · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but; during a power outage I walked into my bedroom and tried to flip on the light. I immediately though "Wow I'm such an idiot... I cant believe I just did that." Walked over to the closet and tried on turn on that light.

Pretty sure I just stood there for a full minute contemplating how big of a moron I was.

IncomingMonkeyWrench · 1 points · Posted at 01:57:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was playing GTA V and my sister was talking about political movements and holidays and the like and as I was listing some I somehow combined breast cancer awareness and black history month and ended up with African American Awareness Month.

chodd-tavez · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty mild, but back when I worked in fast food I would say "Have a nice day! :)" after handing things over... to my coworkers. I usually worked drive-thru.

SomeFreakingWeirdo · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I picked my nose on video chat with my crush when I was like 12. I realized like halfway through and my face was visibly red

bubbbbbbbba38 · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Farted out loud in public.

memeweenie · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was staring off into space and a woman had apparently stepped into my view(I did not notice) she thought I was staring at her boobs, super awkward, I'm sorry Miss lady.

GuitarGuru253 · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is gonna sound bad and it kinda is but everything worked out in the end...

So I used to be a firefighter/medic and we got a call in the middle of the night to some motel across town for some medical call that was pretty non-emergent but I was the fire engine driver and the ambulance called us for a manpower assist (needed more bodies) so I remember getting up and dressed and looking on the big map in the station garage where this place was and then pulling out of the garage bay in the fire engine, with the whole crew. The next thing I remember is standing behind the ambulance leaning on the open door as we are loading the gurney into the back with the patient.

I stood up straight rather suddenly which must have caught the attention of my captain because he punched me in the shoulder playfully and said “oh, did you just wake up?” Like my face had betrayed my thoughts.

I had driven all the way to the scene and done who knows what to help the medic crew running on auto pilot. But everything turned out ok and I guess my subconscious brain works just fine when it’s in charge 🤷‍♂️

ItsaScuba · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Yanekke · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lot of times when a friend sends me something weird/cringy I always think to myself: 'Wtf' and sometimes my brain just goes into autopilot and types and sends it to them without me even realizing

bulbousaur · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working out at the gym when I dropped my aluminum water bottle and it began leaking. I decided I would hit the locker room right fast to empty it out.

I'm a male. I walked into the lady's locker room. There was one person in there (that I immediately saw), a mid-20's woman who was sitting, thankfully fully clothed, on a bench looking at her phone. She looked up and I grimaced and did an about-face and walked quickly to the men's.

I thank the stars every day I go back there that nothing happened. Being banned could have been the least of my problems - I assume they could have called the police if someone had been undressed or not as forgiving of a mistake as that young lady was.

Jayrod413 · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Scroll through the comments of this post while waiting to join a server for so long I got kicked for idling

plant_bandit · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Several years ago I started working at Walmart as a second job. I was the person who answered phones and made pages over the intercom. I had worked at my 1st job for a few months and frequently we’d have to make pages to transfer calls to other departments or make customer announcements. They’d all start off with “Attention STORE ONE shoppers...”.

Anyways, shortly after working at Walmart I had to make a customer announcement and without thinking I said “STORE ONE shoppers...”. I did the entire announcement not realizing it until every manager started losing it over the walkies.

MsAnj77 · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a storage area at work where we keep our lockers. We call it the garage because it has a roller door we access with our ID cards. After a long tiring shift I tried using my car remote to open the roller door. Two days in a row!!!

Cichlidsaremyjam · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Having two kids 5 and under there are very few doors that stay shut in my house for very long. With that we have started to just get used to having the door open when we pee. Well that all changes when you have people over as my wife realized when she sat down to pee only to start screaming for me to come to the bathroom as she realized she had started with the door (which is out of reach while on the toilet) was wide open and about 10 family members were roaming around the house.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to plug in a USB keyboard, but couldn't find any easily accessible USB ports on the PC. Then I remembered that the keyboard has USB ports. One second after plugging it in, I was not feeling very smart.

starbuxranger · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my wife a whale. Wife, who sees an ad for an exhibit of whales : "look, a whale!"

Me: "You're a whale!..... Omg I'm sorry, I take that back!!"

Luckily my wife is the most amazing person in earth and she still makes fun of me for it 5 years later.

extra_nada · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once added the milk before the cereal. I'm ashamed

imaslitherysnakeee · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I needed to head to the shops and I got into the back seat of my car. I realised when I looked up and saw the drivers seat in front of me.

eattwo · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my cousin's wedding, when it was my turn to say congrats to the new couple, her new husband said "How are you?".

5 years of retail, I automatically said "Good, how are you?"

girlthatfelltoearth · 1 points · Posted at 01:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The computers at work have a password, my home computer has a password. Everyday when i get home i type in my work password on my computer.

maddengod73 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a gallon of milk in the cabinet where the cups go.

mike6452 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do the things I do when blackout drunk count?

moonmonkey1022 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom and I heard the bell in the kitchen, signaling food was ready. With no thought at all, I got up from the table adjusted my shirt and started waking back to the kitchen. I would've walked the whole way back there if my boyfriend hadn't kindly reminded me that this was not the restaurant I worked at.

Account_Expired · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in differential equations class at university and my professor asked the class what order the equation was. The prof was super hard of hearing so i went to put up two fingers as i said “second”.

Thing is i am vulgar, and an idiot. So the last hundred times i had put any fingers up whatsoever, i was flipping one of my friends off.

So for a brief second, i was one of 10 students in a differential equations class... and i was flipping off the professor

TheTangoFox · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lost my flashlight on a campout after sunset.

Used said flashlight to look for said flashlight.

Was advised of this fact after 10 minutes

tataku999 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a bad habit, especially when I get excited about things, not filtering thoughts and they all come out jumbled. If said the dumbest things, see of them I get embarrassed about, others are embarrassing but make for great stories my friends love so I will gladly be embarrassed whenever it comes up.

HD372 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was getting out of a taxi, the driver said something like ‘see you later’, to which I automatically responded ‘love you too’

HotRod6391 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up the telephone once with "Hey Robert, it's Robert" to a woman whose name was not Robert. My name is Robert.

Funkytowwn · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was greeting this hot mom into the building with her kids, and I said “Helloooooooo” in the stereotypical cat call kinda way, immediately cleared my throat and said hello normally

She laughed about it and commented about how red my face was.

RiotPunchette · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting at a big round communal table in the work break room. Felt. Something brush against my leg so reached down to pet my cat. Stroked co-workers thigh.

Awholebushelofapples · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

was driving down the road and could find my wallet and phone, but not my keys.

VoiceOfGosh · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opened the fortune cookie, put the fortune in my mouth, chucked the cookie.

Nach0Man_RandySavage · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad was leaving somewhere late one night and it snowed. He was tired and didn’t want to scrape of his car so he thought ‘I’ll just drive with my head out the window.’ He gets going and decides he’s cold and he tries to roll up the window with his head in it.

mrtbakin · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent a good 3 minutes trying to cut broccoli with the wrong side of the knife in front of my family at dinner

giacintam · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i drive barefoot, just because i dont like not feeling the pedals. usually ill grab my shoes from the doorstep, pop them in my bag and then when i get to work, put them on. im a PT so i usually get up around 4am, the other day i drove all the way to work, went to go into my bag & realised id turned up without any shoes to wear...

xynixia · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost did my morning piss in my trash can. Thank God I realized before it's too late.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was doing a presentation on figures of speech in Lord of the Flies. Called the "exploding" trees an example of personification. Teacher immediately says "ok, but humans don't explode, do they?" I turn red, say I meant metaphor, and now my friends ask me "seen any human's explode lately?" every chance they get.

TheVeryHungryCocoon · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked my misso in my sleep to stick her finger in my ass and woke up having a wet dream.

franklindude · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sick one day so I was gonna make soup, my mother told me to put water in it and put it in the microwave. Apparently I was supposed to pour it into a bowl first. The can started squealing and it took me while to comprehend what I’ve just done. I was just used to throwing things in the microwave and pressing start

gotsmartz · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I typed my phone number into the microwave once. I forgot about it since I never heard the beep. After I got home from school, I couldn’t even recognize that it was a pop tart.

gangsterspockhow · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was younger I never used my alarm. But this one day I used my alarm, and despite reaching for it to turn it off I couldn't grab it. So for some reason with no correlation with what I was doing I just slam my face onto the wall.

Jacktoss · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracking an egg into the trash can

Logan5276 · 1 points · Posted at 01:59:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll be driving through town and I’ll see a stoplight.. I have multiple times stopped on a green light...

Just happens sometimes when I’m on autopilot

stargazingmanatee · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More than once removed food from the packaging and threw away the food instead of the package...

Neoplaydohnist · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few months ago I got a phone call from an unknown number while I was taking a nap. Somehow I picked up my phone and answered the call in my sleep. I remember that we talked briefly, and I feel like most of what I said must have been absurd. I awoke with my phone to my ear and a woman's voice asking "Are you still there?"

I panicked and hung up after that. I've lost my contact list a few times, so there's a decent chance that it was someone in my extended social circle and they now think I'm unhinged.

VoiceOfGosh · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my sister did rewind a DVD halfway until I stopped her.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wash brushing my teeth, turned away from the sink and spat in the corner of the room. Then immediately realised what I did.

bigengineer · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a guy, I was having a conversation with my best friend after finishing 3 finals in a day, I told him I loved him. It took me a minute to register who I was talking to. He understood and told me to get some sleep. It was a weird walk back to my apartment replaying that conversation in my head.

BirdsGetTheGirls · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pilots set autopilot to maintain an altitude and airspeed while we waited on tower instruction. Part of their instruction was turn turn when we reached some point. pilots forgot to update auto pilot, so we just kept going on past point.

We fixed it when tower got mad at us.

marmiteandeggs · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Draining away my wifes carefully prepared broth down the sink..... im a pasta bloke.

jaack2394 · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on holiday in Phuket,Thailand with my (now ex) girlfriend.

It was her birthday so we have a full day of activities, anyway we had gone out for dinner and got a taxi back into town. As the taxi driver dropped us off we paid, I went to get out and said to a middle age Thai man “nigh nighs”

I have never lived this down...

burner126 · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in primary school, probably 8 or 9 years old. I would wake up at 6am, grab my uniform, have a shower, pack my lunch then watch tv on the couch waiting for mum to get up and then take me to school.

Could count on both hands the number of times I did this and mum would get up and ask why I was wearing my uniform.. on a Saturday...

TheBassettHound1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice over my cornflakes whilst the milk sat there in front of me aghast.

Ucazao · 1 points · Posted at 02:00:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes keep looking for my glasses, and then I realize I’m wearing them, lol.

bringbackswg · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cereal in the fridge. About 400 times in my life.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put milk in the pantry and Oreos in the fridge.

worldwaster77 · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked over to the kitchen, opened up the cabinet the trash can was behind and pulled out my dick. I was about to let it all go when my mom started laughing at me and asking what I was doing.

Rixae · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured milk into the cereal box instead of the bowl

blueoranges95 · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spoke to a not-very-close friend of mine right after I was done speaking to my girlfriend on the phone. My calls with my girlfriend always ended with a “love you”, and it was just a force of habit at this point. Also, I barely ever spoke to anyone on the phone as texting was my medium for communication.

So, This one friend of mine, she calls me up with some questions regarding a homework that we had due. I answer those questions and as the conversation ends, I go...”okay love you see you soon” and end the call.

Took my like five full seconds to realize what I’d done, and since I didn’t want to talk to her at this point, I basically texted her an explanation along the lines of the first paragraph of this comment. Very awkward indeed.

IHadACatOnce · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a green light because I knew I had to wait for the light to turn green before I could go. The person behind me was not happy.

tigerfishy · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom and I went on a trip together. I'm usually not with her for extended periods of time, but I am usually with my husband (who wasn't on the trip with us). I unintentionally called my mom "babe," "honey," etc. several times over the two weeks and every time she gave me so much shit for it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was reading a book and saw a joke in a funny padge, I tried to screenshot the padge and got frustrated when it would not screenshot. I then realised it was a book, with paper.

Osmea · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does sleep talking count?

As a kid, when my mom opened my door to check on me in the night, she says I sat straight up with my eyes open and looked at her while saying “I’m sorry this house isn’t for sale.” I was, like, 12.

What about sleep changing?

Twice as an adult, I’ve woken up over heated but fallen asleep before I could change into cooler pyjamas and then woken up in the morning in different clothes.

Brewbouy · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My oldest twin likes to be rubbed on his back. My buddy's dad is pretty short. After our usual greetings, I started to rub his back. I realized my mistake, jerked my hand away and mumbled something like, "no homo." Thank god they already know how weird I am.

Danielxgl · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've left my phone in the fridge like a bazillion times, and only notice a couple minutes later

Miyuki-Sama · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

went to take a shower. took off all my clothes. walked into the kitchen. threw my clothes into the trash. went back and showered. got out. couldnt find my clothes. found out when I walked into the kitchen and saw my clothes in the trash.

Roshambo-RunnerUp · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've searched the couch and blankets for my TV remote, probably for a good 10-20 seconds, while holding my TV remote in my hand. Soooo....yeah.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally said "bless you" after *I* sneezed.

Take42 · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to get some film developed while heavily dissociating, and when it came time for me to give them my phone number so they can let me know when it's ready, I completely blanked. I had to go through my phone settings and find the registered phone number and write it down. While walking away down the sidewalk I burst into tears of laughter over how silly and random of a thing to forget that was, which quickly brought me back down to reality.

strangetrip666 · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I poured mountain dew in a bowl of cereal. I made it about a cups worth before realizing something was off.

Smidvarge · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Patted my mother on the butt as she walked past.

We both stopped. I looked at her and said "you're not my wife." She replied "NO! I'M YOUR MOTHER! What's wrong with you?..."

Potato_Sloth · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was hanging out with friends before going out. One of them invited some French boys he knew. Aside from the French, I knew pretty much everyone there.

I stepped out of the room and came back a while later. I went straight to my friend to give him a back hug. Except it wasn’t my friend. It was a random French boy.

I apologized repeatedly while everyone else laughed.

tokingfish · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at a fish and chip shop and a girl was unboxing vingar. We buy it in bulk so it comes like boxed wine with a nozel and then we poor it all into another container. She couldn't rip the cardboard box around it open so she automatically got a knife and stabbed the box. Vinigar was sprayed everywhere. Literally everywhere. The best part was the eye contact we maintained for the first few seconds. Vinigar is shooting all over the place and we just have the 'what have we done' eyes of dreed.

brutusthedestroyer · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tv remote in the fridge.

mundane_days · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

1-once said good morning to my boss at 2 in the afternoon. She gave me a good teasing. We work in a nursing home, so there were a few memory jokes in there too.

2-almost walked into the end of a trailer in the employee parking lot. Was staring at my phone. I go outside to smoke and have learned the path to walk back to the door. The trailer was in my path. Guess who saw me? Yup. My boss.

Meowsteroshi · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was sitting in the doctors office waiting room for my appointment. There were maybe 6 or 7 people including the receptionist scattered about. Had one earbud in and was watching a Dallas stars game recap and in frustration, without thinking, did a solid 3 second “ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh” until I caught myself and stopped. No one batted an eye but I still cringe when I think about it.

EnVadeh · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cleaned my monile with tissues because it was kind of dirty as I was just esting oily things and I went infront of the dumpster and threw my mobile away and I went in my room and looked for the mobile.

ZePokemans · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was late and I had just got in from a concert and was absolutely starving. I figured I’d just whip up some scrambled eggs as I usually did. I cracked the first egg straight into the garbage disposal and stood dumbfounded for a solid 20 seconds before laughing it off and cracking a second egg, also straight into the garbage disposal.

100 percent sober.

CobeySmith · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reach for a seatbelt when sitting down in a cinema. Also the common 'mom' calling of teachers.

heretolearn78 · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was about 7 months pregnant and went to throw trash away at our apartment. Well instead of throwing the trash away, I threw away a bag of brand new baby clothes that I had just bought. No one was there to help me but I somehow was able to stand on something and basically lean over right under my boots as to not harm the baby and used a stick to get it out :/ it's something I m still cautious about today lol

lbutler0000107 · 1 points · Posted at 02:01:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thought my alarm woke me up. Took a shower, got ready for work, looked at the clock... It was only about an hour since I went to bed. I had had such deep sleep in that hour, I had lost all concept of time. Felt extremely stupid but at the same time happy that I had so much more time to sleep.

Yucares · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often randomly change the language when I speak and don't even realise. I normally use English but my family only speaks Polish and I also learn German and Spanish. Sometimes when I talk with someone (usually my mum, fortunately) I say something like "Cały dzień siedzę w domu but later I need to go out and get some groceries". Then I continue in English until my mum starts laughing or until I realise what I did. Once I randomly started speaking German to my British friend. It was both weird and funny.

I guess my brain can't keep up because I often think in the language that fits the current thought more.

atomiku121 · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put toothpaste in my hair. When I was at a boarding school I had a shower caddy that I kept a second toothbrush and toothpaste in, this way I could brush in the shower to save time. Once for a school trip I had to get up at about 3AM, and of course being a high-schooler I didn't go to bed until after 1. I was so groggy in the shower I grabbed the wrong thing when it was time to shampoo, I just remember the smell of mint as I lathered it in really woke me up.

thaxmann · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few weeks after my daughter was born, I was putting leftover dinner into storage containers. I then put the storage containers full of food back into the cupboard. My brain thought I was unloading the dishwasher? I didn't find out until the next day and had to throw out the food. I was hormonal and cried the whole time dumping food into the trash.

AMotherLoverr · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After purchasing popcorn and snacks at the movie theater, when the cashier says to me "enjoy the movie" to which it respond "thanks, you too."

DragonUniverse227 · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happens more than I'd like to admit. I'd he browsing threads (like this one) on my phone, usually while I'm playong a game. If I need to look something up, I get my phone and Google. Then I spend a solid minute looking for it, while its still in my frickin hand.

Stewie2ks_Son · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn’t find my phone so I instinctively pulled out my phone to try and find my phone. Took me 10 minutes to realize that I am an idiot...

stecklese · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said I love you when hanging up with my boss, just after saying it to my husband on the phone

-FeistyRabbitSauce- · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the laundry room in our building, downstairs, to flip from the wash to the dryer--I should note that there's this girl there who ends up watching the rest of the story unfold. Now, having forgotten change, I go back upstairs to fetch some and return downstairs. I then put the change in the machine next to the one I've already loaded (which is empty mind you). I make a small huff, and go back upstairs, collect more change. When I get to the laundry room I mention I fed the wrong machine and if she would like to take and use it I'm totally okay with it. So I feed my machine, start it up and then it dawns on me... Why didn't I just move my laundry over to the machine I'd already put money in rather than making that extra trip?

The girl even caught eyes with me as it dawned on me. Taking pity on me she placed one item in the dryer and used it, as I walked away embarrased.

lilrito · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was one day in class. I had a highlighter in one hand and a drink in the other. Instead of going to take a sip out of the straw, I ended up sucking on the highlighter.

WalterDragan · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In grade school I needed to use the restroom. Walking to it I saw the guy in front of me turn into a restroom, so I followed him in. Didn't dawn on either of us until a girl walked in that we had gone into the wrong room.

killsey9 · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a half drank glass of water back into the cupboard, only to find it a week later

PetuniaFungus · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few timws I turned off a lightswitch to turn off the sink right after washing dishes. The switch is right next to the sink in my defense

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always wake up at 6:40 AM for school, one night I woke up completely tired and just packed up my bag and went outside to my bus stop, I was waiting for what seemed like an hour before I checked my phone....it was 11:30 PM...... I went back inside and went to bed

AlaskanOak · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told my friends mom that I loved her. I had called looking for him and when she told me he wasn’t home I said “Okay thanks, I love you bye”. I was a mortified 12 year old and never brought it up.

birbnest · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost pissed into a garbage can next to my toilet once

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More embarrassing than I'd like to anyone but here we go.

So my grandpa broke his wrist 4 or 5 years ago and I had to help him most of the time. Anyway one night I was exaughsted so I go to bed around 8 or 9pm. I very barely remember doing this because I think I was either still sleeping or very close to it, but my grandpa comes in my room asking me to zip up his pants, I remember telling him no a few times before but I guess that night my half asleep self just got up and did it. It's not crazy embarrassing or obscene, it's just felt weird for me to do something like that for another guy, let alone my grandpa.

At_least_im_Bacon · 1 points · Posted at 02:02:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"I love you"..... Me to some random person.

pacificnwbro · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my boyfriend woke up from a nap after he got off work, saw it was dark outside, and assumed it was time for him to start getting ready for work for 20 minutes before he realized it was 7PM and not AM.

Golaso93 · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ran a red light w/ a camera and never got the ticket in the mail.

Lordofthewolvess · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a bus driver, and usually when I'm doing my pre trip I park my car next to the bus. One day I was dead tired and started on my route. I was almost to the highway (15 minutes) when I realized I was still driving my car. I was totally on auto pilot and almost messed up a whole day of work!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to see The Force Awakens for the third time. Nobody wanted to go with me because they'd already seen it. When I walked out of the theatre I could barely see. I figured my eyes had to adjust from the darkness of the theatre and I'd be fine in a few minutes. Once I got on the highway and I was still having a hard time I started to worry. I took off my glasses to rub my eyes,but when I took them off I was able to see perfectly. That's when I realized that I had completely forgotten to remove the 3D glasses...

terjerox · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cringiest memory: Calling my mum "mummy" at the age of 19.

RezzeTV · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 10, for some reason I thought, oh, I gotta piss, whipped my dick out and pissed all over the lid. That's right. The lid. I forgot to pull it up.

Ingrownsnail · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night, while hanging around in the theater parking lot before the movie started, my friend started dry heaving and vomited right in front of me. For some reason, my hands instinctively came together and formed a cup to perfectly catch her vomit.

We, the group of us, collectively paused, dead silent. Then, vomitus friend starts shrieking, "Why did you do that! That's disgusting!"

I have no idea why I did that. Why didn't I just move?

I indignantly stated, while shaking puke off my hands, "Well, you were about to throw up on me", and wandered into the theater to find a bathroom and ponder wtf just happened...and maybe puke in the toilet.

I hate vomit!

AhoyPalloi · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tired at work, on my office phone, a coworker was describing some issue they were having, and I kept trying to jump in to offer solutions, but they'd just cut me off and keep talking. I tried to jump in a few more times, and they'd just interrupt and keep going.

I got really frustrated and started to argue back, when I heard "Anyway, sorry for the long voicemail. Give me a call when you get back to your desk."

I had forgotten I was listening to my voicemail.

infogurrrle · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually my husband did it. We were at the Jersey shore hanging out with my family including my 70 year old grandfather. My husband and I were sitting on a lounge chair together and my husband was sitting behind me. All of a sudden he put his arms around me and stars massaging my boobs....in front of everyone. I very calmly took his hands and put them on my stomach. No one said anything, but I was sooo embarrassed.

happydayswasgreat · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up to hear my landline phone ringing, sleepily went over to it. Picked it up and put it down. Thought it was my alarm!

poopgoestheweasel · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After an intense workout I walked into the locker room with my head down, stood in front of my locker, and stared at a lock that wasn't mine. I was really confused until I turned around and a room full of women were staring back at me (I'm a guy). I walked out without saying a word.

thenewfellas · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About to leave a family function, told a baby to “have a good one”

-reTARDIS · 1 points · Posted at 02:03:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting gas late at night during a long road trip with 2 friends when I was in my late teens or early 20's. My one friend was standing next to my to stretch his legs. We were on a tight budget and I didn't want to fill the whole tank and mentioned to my friend I was going to stop at $20. It's getting closer and it's $19 and change and my buddy and I are trying to see if I get it exact on the penny so we start to count the numbers out loud.

$19.57, $19.58, $19.59............ 60!!!!

I had a momentary WTF, why didn't it hit $20!?! Then realize my sleep deprived mistake. Man I didn't live that down for the rest of the trip :)

I also decided it was time to let someone else drive.

RookOnzo · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally typing in pornhub on the work browser.

SackOfHellNo · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left class early for debate tournaments a lot. One time my teacher, who had a very nurturing demeanor, was rattling off assignment instructions to me as I packed up.

So when she said "okay, bye!" I responded with "I love you, bye!" Because she's so motherly and my subconscious responded to that. So that was embarrassing.

fractal_kracken · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on a lot of different drugs at a party and got caught jerkin off on the bed in the master bedroom of a house that wasn't mine. That was a pretty weird time. I didnt really until i got caught with my dick in my hand by my friend that yelled "YO WHAT THE FUCK"

Lucin · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This morning, after breakfast, I had something stuck in my teeth and I knew I had a toothpick somewhere in my car/coat but couldn't find it. So I leave the car in defeat and start walking. Suddenly had the toothpick in my mouth and I'm still not quite sure where I pulled it from...

lau15 · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up at 2 AM and thought i was late for a train at 2 PM so i started rushing through grabbing my bag until i realised it was dark out and it was 2 AM. Another time i had just quit my job at a call center and had to call an airline for some question. As soon as the call went through I began talking like i was working. As soon as the call was over my sister said that it was like I was trying to help him and not the other way round. Still not great at calling customer support without going into callcenter mode

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:04:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got into this habit of changing into pj pants as soon as I get in the door - went over to a friends house, took off my shoes and dropped my pants.

Toriachels · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This thread made me feel better at an accidental “I love you” I said when departing from friends drinks this evening.

Spiritfur · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do a lot of microwave cooking at work because it's cheap and I'm usually here alone so I can't leave to get food. I've made it a habit to stop the microwave one I hear my food making popping noises, or at the very least I'll check on it. Last week when I was about 10 hours into a 12 hour shift, I go to make myself a snack in the microwave. My snack starts popping and I instinctively stop the microwave, which would've been great if I hadn't been making popcorn.

Smellyjobbies · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used the autopilot to alter the heading of the ship 40 degrees so the Engineer who had spent 20 minutes shifting and filling a paddling pool on the funnel deck was in the shade.

cloudrea · 1 points · Posted at 02:05:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with children and one time my dad wasn’t listening to what I said and I told him ‘dad put your listening ears on!’

rruchishrimalli · 1 points · Posted at 02:06:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, I was deep into my work at the office and scratched my ....(you know hand in jeans) without realising that there are people staring at me. When I came to my senses it was already too late. I wanted to bang my head and die of shame there and then.

Turbo_Scout13 · 1 points · Posted at 02:06:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to adjust my sunglasses... the sunglasses I wasn’t wearing

KekFilA · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was running a little late to work, I pulled up, went in and clocked in. At 12 i went out for lunch and I was wondering where my keys were, I lock my keys in my car a lot, but I locked the door with the keys inside and the car was on... for 6 hours.

fastjeff · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting in the living room just scrolling through reddit on my phone. Then I think I better check my messages, look at the coffee table, check the arm rests, shit, I think I dropped my phone on the floor so I look around my feet around the sides of my chair... I'm an idiot.

spudbutt97 · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stapled 1 piece of paper.

tojoso · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I fell asleep in high school english class while we were watching some old movie. Woke up in a daze and let out a huge fart, about 0.3 seconds before realizing I wasn't in bed.

dundelion · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was watching a video on my phone and was trying to find my phone to tell the time. Took a solid minute of searching before I realised.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tipped milk into the water container of my nespresso machine

life-in-da-fast-lane · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rear ended another vehicle. Totally dazed off into la la land.

Awful day.

kmn19999 · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be in this program for students but it’s like associated with the Air Force, so one weekend we did this thing where we stayed at a military training base for the weekend and they basically treated us like they treated the actual military people except like a fair bit softer (no hazing and shit).

The Monday after in my history class (i was a high school freshman), i was talking to my friend next to me and my teacher said “kmn19999, pay attention!” and i snapped to attention in my seat.

We stared at each other for a little bit because he definitely noticed but thankfully no one around me really did (except for the friend i was talking to). I definitely seemed like one of those macho ROTC kids though..

Eknoom · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to an outdoor pool when I was about 8 or 9 years old. Without thinking I, in the middle of where everyone was, proceeded to undress like I was about to have a shower.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Taking a poop while on my phone. Grabbed some tp only to wipe myself with the phone.

Procrusties · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read things i see aloud when tired or bored.

One day in sixth grade a girl was giving a presentation in front of the class and i was struggling to stay awake. She turned around to point out something on the board and without thinking i read aloud "Pink" which was written in that glittery script on her butt..... i dont know which one of us was more embarrassed

Jackbazooka · 1 points · Posted at 02:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was saying goodbye to a friend that was suspicious that I had a massive crush on her one day, and on autopilot I said "goodbye, love you". Apperently my brain though I was talking to my mum.

silvarya · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always accidentally say “I love you” out of habit when ending phone calls. This is often met with a super awkward silence, when it is in-fact not someone I usually say this too haha.

L0vlyMarie · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always do the closing announcments at work. One day I picked up the phone to do the announcment and said "Thank you for calling So and So this is Me speaking,how can I help you?" It was incredibly embarassing

MonokelPinguin · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live alone for a few years now. I never close the doors between rooms, so I can just push them open, if I have nothing in my hands. That includes the toilet, I just almost close the door. Of course I don't do that, when I have friends over. So one day, I excuse myself, do my stuff and then just crash into my toilet door. That hurt and my friend immediately came running, because they thought something happened. Also happens a lot, when my friends just close doors. I've conditioned most of them to not do that anymore, though.

selym11 · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally said ty to my mom instead of thank you, these were my world of Warcraft days

breakone9r · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've told more than one acquaintance "Ok, love you, bye." Then going "what.. the .. FUCK?!" about a second after I've hung up.

TheHenkilein · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once washed my hands in a urinal, because the toilet flush button looked like the one from the sink.

IAMTHE_MRMAN · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to the fridge instead of the washing machine more times than I’m proud to admit.

Sidrao · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pee in the bathroom sink at home ( don't call me gross I clean it out after and i save a ton on my water bill)

One time I was leaving campus really late at night, right at closing time. I went to see before I left and I was so tired I instinctively pulled my dick out at the sink. Luckily no one was there, and I realised what i was doing before i actually peed.

xodallas · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed a bowl of cereal on the way back into my room, grabbed the tv remote off my bed, turned the tv on and threw my bowl of cereal on the bed.

While I was showering I went to use the shampoo, poured it into my hand and rubbed it directly into my face. My eyes were on fire.

Impoa · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracking an egg into the trash can

diktat86 · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just happened this morning! So I haven't been putting on makeup ever since I had my baby 10 months ago. Today I have a wedding to attend, and as I was doing my blusher I applied it to my left cheek, then my right, then ... my chin. What the heck!! Good thing I caught myself before I'd given myself a healthy flush on my chin.

lnfinity · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter: "Enjoy your meal"

Me: "You too"

soeasilyamazed · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This morning I cracked an egg directly back into the egg carton and tossed the shell in the bowl with the other cracked eggs. Immediately said “nope, that’s wrong” then proceeded to pour the bowl of eggs with the entire shell in it into the pan anyway. Sometimes your brain is just telling you to go back to bed.

MsMyPants · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mopping the floor with my cell phone in my pocket. My cell phone fell out of my pocket and I to the bucket of dirty mop water. I quickly retrieved my phone from the bucket, brought it to the sink...and rinsed it under the tap.

neuroglias · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got home from a 12+ hour shift, took water out of the fridge, poured myself a glass, and then put my stethoscope (instead of the water) into the fridge. My partner was grossed out for weeks.

Muroid · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My fiancée’s last name is frequently misspelled. It’s not a complicated name at all, but there’s a single letter that people always think is a double letter a separate set of double letters that people always think is supposed to be a single letter.

When writing her family a Christmas card last year, I jokingly spelled out loud the common misspelling while pretending to write it in order to tease her.

Then I proceeded to immediately write the wrong spelling on the card.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Recently went to buy some gifts at marshalls. Paid for a bag with a gift reciept in one transaction and other accoutrements in another. After all the hubbub, I forgot I had a shoulder bag on my shoulder I wanted to buy and I nearly walked away with it before catching muself. It felt natural because that's where my purse goes, but I'd only brought my wallet. At any rate, I jokingly tell the cashier, "oh just throw this in the bag..." She winked and said I got you. Speculatively, I watch the register. For a $50 leather bag, she rings it up for $19. Security was nearby and she was so slick you could tell this wasn't her first ride at the price switch rodeo. A solid human being for sure.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have two young kids, so I'm constantly holding their hands when I'm taking them somewhere. It's at least a dozen times per day.

So naturally, there was an awkward moment or two when I took my teenage nephew to a baseball game.

Offandonandoffagain · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left home for work at 5 am with a lot of stuff going through my mind. Suddenly I'm at work and have no memory of the drive to work, usually 30 minutes. I don't remember a single stop sign, red light or turn signal, but suddenly I'm at work. Did I cause any wrecks?!?!? Did I kill anybody?!?! Who knows?!?! But the cops never came looking for me.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:09:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Neither are about me but about my brother. We were riding with my dad in the backseat of his truck, having a conversation. I forget what it was about but it must've been pretty entralling, because my brother finished what he had to say and opens his fucking door and tries to step out while we're moving at probably 40mph.

I've also witnessed him walk into the kitchen to empty a glass of water, stop about 3 feet from the sink, and pour it all over the floor.

itsyaboytheboytheone · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked if they unplugged then dumpsters at work

SendNachos412 · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve driven to work without remembering the drive

GhostTengu · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost ruined Christmas one time for my kids. My wife had finished shopping, and called me to help bring in the bags. I knew she had done a mix of shopping, and for Xmas I go to the car with contractor bags. This was jjust in case my little monsters are peeking blinds, they've always knew deep down Santa was fake. I bring in all the stuff and put it in its usual spot. My kids see me, my wife sees me. My go to excuse was saying we lost something in the trash and had to look through it in the basement.

Now I'll mention how I forgot my wife said only grab the groceries, the kids are still awake. Yes, I should have known this.

Polyolygon · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A year after moving to a new job, I ended up at my old job twice in one week. I’ve never gone there before that, and never after. It happened twice... and in the same week..

Sypharus · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have on multiple occasions at school, instead of joining in the applause after watching some presentation, I'd instead do the sign of the cross. I either realize what I'm doing halfway and stop myself, or not and have my mates call me out on it. Good times

icouldlivewoutbacon · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried getting a closer look at the design on my coffee mug by pinch-zooming with my fingers. 🤦‍♀️

dirovame · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at a deep fried seafood joint. Was one day de-veining the jumbo shrimp as I normally did but this time I threw the shrimp into the trash and left the slimy veins and shrimp guts in the container, wrapped it and left in walking cooler. Got busy later and coworker goes to fetch the jump shrimp and you can imagine the look on his face.

Stiljoz · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to run the drive through speaker at a fast food place 30 or 40 hours a week. A car would pull up, the headset would beep, you push a button on the side of the headset, and start talking. For years after I quit that job, I would get the impulse to touch my ear if I heard a beep that was similar enough, trying to push a button that doesn't exist.

Br0kenBrain · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

calling grandma

G: hello?

Me: "Hi! My name is Br0kenBrain and I am an agent calling from store number ####. I'm calling to assist a customer with their service today and was hoping you could help."

longest pause in the world

G: are you ok?

Cruaaa · 1 points · Posted at 02:10:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Scanned an incorrect item at work as a cashier, had to get a manager’s approval to remove it from the transaction then as they turned around to walk away i scanned the exact same incorrect item. had to call them right back over

KevenNotKevin · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

do you know how many times a year i throw away the thing i want in my hand, and keep the garbage? i’ve dug so many forks out of that goddamn trash

unsmashedpotatoes · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Less auto pilot and more just not quite awake. Ate an entire container of donut holes despite probably being full about half way through.

mellydash21 · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a gas station that serves coffee. I would have the trash beside me (where we dump the wet, used grounds) set up the filter, open up a fresh bag of coffee and just dump it straight into the trash.

BootyFlake111 · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured milk on a hotdog and put ketchup in a glass

CupcakeSpree · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago I was folding laundry and got thirsty. I put my socks down in the fridge so I could grab a drink from the back. I didn't notice until my mom asked why my socks were in the fridge hours later.

Pavo_reality · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not the most stupid thing, but I have a habit of a using the wrong loyalty cards at the wrong shops and being told 'uhhh you can't use a tesco clubcard here sir'. In my mind if I'm spending money then I need the points.

StarsLightFires · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Dad got about halfway to the hospital before realizing he needed to go to Walmart which was in the opposite direction. (My mother had been in the hospital and he drove down to see her a lot)

akeb1415 · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, when I see things or think of something that makes me happy I end up adding a 'o' to the end. Doggo. Trucko. Fisho. Etc. Well, I am a supervisor at work and was cutting people because we were slow. Most of them are happy to be cut so it's usually a fun thing to do. I'm sure you can see/hear where this is going. I cut this one lady and said, "You get to go home-o!". Only one other person caught what I said and it's an inside joke now and she has no clue what happened to this day.

heavensandwiches · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I put my clothes in the trash instead of the washing machine. It took until trash day for me to realize my clothes were out in a bin by my mailbox. I felt so dumb. I searched my house for several agonizing hours, but the moment of clarity when I realized what I had done was so worth it. When I looked at my trash can it felt so obvious, oddly enough. I feel like most people wouldn't do this, haha

binarycat64 · 1 points · Posted at 02:11:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holding fod in one hand, hand something else in the other, then proceeding to mix them up.

SavageCabbage321 · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I wanted to open an incognito window but forgot the key shortcut(Ctrl + Shift + N). I tried to recall the shortcut for a minute, but it wasn’t coming to me. I finally decided to google “incognito window shortcut”, but I felt embarrassed to have that on my history so I instinctively opened an incognito window with muscle memory. I didn’t realize I had already solved my problem until after I hit enter to search on the incognito google window.

melinahavelock · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stood in front of a set of glass doors, waiting for them to open. They were not automatic doors. In a similar vein, turned on water in a public bathroom and then walked away, expecting it to shut off automatically.

iranmeba · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on a new medication for a back spasm and woke up groggy. Walked out the front door in the morning to go to work and when I got to the little wooden gate to exit our courtyard I pulled out my car keys and hit the unlock button to open it. Stood there for about 2 minutes wondering why my keys were broken and how to open the gate. Once I realized what was wrong I turned around and went back to bed because no way I should be operating a motor vehicle in that state.

tedwinaslowsby · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a gas buildup problem. For the past six months at work, I've been quietly and slowly burping to release the pressure. If I don't, my chest hurts or my stomach hurts until I fart or burp. My doctor says it's normal sometimes, so whatever, I'll deal.

I had a month and a half emergency "vacation" from my job a couple of months ago in which I burped often and usually loudly, since I didn't have to worry about being polite. The week after I got back to work, I felt the need to burp, so I did. Loudly. I'm a female in my twenties. The people that I work with are mostly men in their thirties. Lots of laughs.

otterlycute · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 13 I left the house with one black leather shoe on and one white trainer. Realised 10 minutes into my walk and ran all the way home.

DidSomeoneSayPotato · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempted to brush my teeth in the shower. With the water on.

red-that · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my phone or keys in the fridge at least once a month!

Mistghost · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent 20 min looking around my apartment for my cell phone, while talking to my aunt... On my cell phone. It wasn't the first time I've realized I'm a fucking moron, but it was a harsh reminder

CleanedupWater · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a Sears in college. Ringing a woman up who is buying underwear. While holding the underwear, I had a massive itch on my nose. Kind of snapped out of it when she started staring at me.

Robbbeh · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I moved a few years ago and more often than I'd like to admit, I find myself driving back to my old house. One time I nearly pulled into the driveway before I noticed that the wrong car was in the driveway.

ku-fan · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have no clue why but about once a year I'll go into the kitchen only to realize that I put cereal in my refrigerator and milk in the pantry...

Melody42 · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No me but my friend after a brutal finals week. We went to taco Bell and he ordered the 12 taco box and when they asked hard or soft shell he asked what the difference was haha. Two years later I still give him crap for it.

yrnmigos · 1 points · Posted at 02:12:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister put the movie Hostel into the DVD player and immediately the opening credits started rolling and it was dissapointing. Just a bunch of talking and tearful arguments between couples. We were like, "Man this movie sucks!" Then after 30 minutes the credits started rolling. "Wait. What the fuck!?" Turns out my sister never switched the the source on the TV to DVD. We were watching a melodramatic series on Showtime about marital issues the whole time.

hazydaisy420 · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I am a female welding inspector and deal with a lot of different welders on a daily basis. The amount of times I get called Sir is hilarious. Half of them notice and get mortified or they dont notice and keep going.

mydogmakesdecisions · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Adulting in general.

sethxcreations · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought wow so many people have Teslas or equivalent cars who are replying to this. I’m not the only one trying to enquire about one recently.

Solarwings1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve thrown away plates/forks/bowls after washing them, shits crazy.

wingspantt · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a jump freighter directly to Jita through 8 jumps of lowsec. Somehow survived.

jakeandyogi · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to answer phones at Domino's pizza for 3 years and would always open with "thanks for calling Domino's pizza, how may I help you?". I then worked at Boston Pizza the year later and would somtimes answer the phone saying we were Domino's pizza. Easy to mix up, understandable mistake. But I now work at Bestbuy, and about 2 weeks ago I answered the phone with "thanks for calling Domino's, what can l Uhhh I mean bestbuy". The guy just laughed but asked if he get get a pizza from us aswell.

7whips · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking around looking for my phone because I want to know what time it is... while talking to someone on my phone.

Afghano · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the bathroom to throw my dirty socks into the washing machine. So I entered the bathroom and threw the socks into the toilet in front of me...

Moxico · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to push the lid of my laptop open further with my mouse and arrow cursor in one of the top corners.

Took me a minute to figure out why it wasn't working. I kept pushing and pushing...

baskinxrobbins · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I mixed up the juice and the peanut butter. Juice sat in the cupboard while the peanut butter was nice and stiff.

zlacker123 · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I needed something out of my glovebox. unlocked my car, leaned in, got the thing I needed, threw my keys in the glove box, locked and then closed my door...

I was on a date and drove the girl... never saw her again

TDGee · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have been known to get up, shower, shave, get dressed, and get in the car to head to work before noticing that it was only 1:00AM and work didn’t start until 7:00 AM. It’s usually the “Why is it so dark?” that sparks the realization that I am apparently a dumbass.

Literally_shitting · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I went to take my trash out and found myself trying to stuff it into the dog poop bag canister in my apartment complex instead of the dumpster

Patthias · 1 points · Posted at 02:13:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made ramen and tried to microwave the water to boil it. put the same glass without water in the microwave 3 times each on 2 minutes intervals. each time I tried to pour it into the ramen and was wondering why nothing came out. I love 2018

alwaysscribles · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I apologized to a custumer 5-10 times in the same breath today... before I managed to snap myself out of it. I didn't have anything to be sorry for. I was just directing them to where a product was

Shyftzor · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going out to grab food for lunch at work and getting halfway home before realizing it was lunch not 5pm...

Kelbelkm · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a cashier I used to say "Bye, have a nice day" when customers would walk up to the register. After hundreds of customers a day it all just blurs together.

Pickles_the_dog · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was around 7 & was holding a snail in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other. Put the snail in my mouth,

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ball scratching in court in full view.

winomcdrinkypants · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My bf once drove to the 711 across the street one night, forgot he drove, and walked back. Next morning he sees his car has been “stolen” and had me file a police report.... and than he realized what he did.... I made him call the cops back and apologize.

JohnnyWarlord · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was 18 and had only been living in my new apartment for a week i got off work at 6am and drove 20 minutes past my place to my parents house. I realized as soon as i saw their motorcycle in my spot lol.

StobbieNZ · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said i love you over the phone to a random stranger because I usually said it to friends or family

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m an insomniac, so often I’m on auto pilot, and I was saying goodbye to a friend of mine, and I’ve hugged her before, it’s not weird or anything (I’m a guy mind you). Anyway, I’m generally a warm kind of person, and I find myself showing a lot of affection easily (in a good, friendly way that someone will be touched by)

Anyway, I hugged her as usual, but this time I was just absent minded and gave her a massive kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. She laughed and said she loved me too, but it was kind of awkward. I guess i was just used to doing that with my mum and dad.

urge_boat · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While initialing and dating something instead of a E I wrote a 3. This happened twice today.

WarJeezy · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked straight down this chicks pants when she was adjusting her shorts and straight up saw her pussy. No panties on. The whole p.e. class was watching her cause she was talking about something and literally the entire class saw me do it. I was completely zoned out though and didnt even realize what I had done until the teacher, of all people, said outloud, "that's extremely creepy". God I miss high school.

Mcmeman · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Talking on the phone while actually holding it up to my ear like a phone. Then it buzzes or makes a notification sound and I begin searching high and low for my phone to check my notifications while I'm holding it to my head telling the person on the other end...I can't seem to find my phone...

suxxx666 · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I was watching my sister's dog for the week at her house while she was away, and it's routine for her dog to wake you up early to eat breakfast and be taken out.

One morning, the dog wakes me up at like 6am (which is early for me) so I stumble out of bed and walk through the dark house to feed her. Without turning on any lights (as I fully intended on going back to bed as soon as I was done taking care of her), I get a scoop of the dog food and dump it into her bowl. The dog is eager, but suddenly looks very taken aback and she glances up at me. And I'm like, what? What's wrong?

And then I realize...oh man, I dumped her food into her water dish. She's looking up at me with the saddest eyes, her kibble now soaked and I'm just like, "Dude I'm sorry....I don't know what to say." She began eating it anyway so I'm pretty sure I just left her to it, but I'll never forget her face of shock, horror, and heartbreak.

ScareTactical · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One groggy, stupidly early morning I woke up, and took a shower with whatever I fell asleep with still on. No hesitation, turned it on, waited for it to get hot and hopped right in. I don’t even remember how long it was before I noticed

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn’t find where I put my remote. Found it in the refrigerator.

firefly219 · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started to put my dirty clothes in the trash can today, and I didn't realize until I had already stuffed a couple outfits in there. The trash can is pretty close to the hamper but I still don't know how I did that ha

CthulusCousin · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a pizza joint and our sauce and cheese are right next to each other. A couple of times ive put the sauce spoon in the cheese which is no big deal. But one time i put my whole hand in the sauce.

xboxhobo · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I plugged in a bunch of computer to the network and spent 20 minutes kicking them all off setting up an image. I go to recycle something real quick, come back and start unplugging all of them. Just as I'm about to unplug the last one I realize "what the fuck am I doing". There goes another 20 minutes.

styder11 · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at Lowe's and spent most of my shifts driving forklifts. Whenever we enter or exit the store we beep the horn to alert anyone nearby.

It's happened more than once when backing out of my driveway that I beep the horn on my car.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wiping down the wrong machine at the gym

P1ne4pple8 · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a digital marketer. Just the other day I was thinking about Christmas stuff while on a consultation call with a potential new client. I meant to say “we cover everything, soup to nuts.” But what came out of my mount was “we cover everything, nut to butt.”

Drywalleater03 · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have weight training for third period I went there second period and got dressed in my weight training clothes and then realized it was only 2nd period then I had to explain to my 2nd period teacher why I was late

jaythaprxphet · 1 points · Posted at 02:15:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a trainer for forklift machines and I taught a whole driving theory class half asleep in the morning because I was up the night before dealing with personal matters. After my lunch break I was a little more rejuvenated and my trainees teased me with so many questions about what "Side Shit Fucks (Side Shift Forks) are" and what the hell is an "Overbed Guard (Overhead Guard)" and why does it protect you from Debora (debris). I don't remember ever saying that and because we can't bring our phones in the warehouse to record me, I'll never know if my trainees were lying.

BassAddictJ · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

An hour ago....

Go to pickup the Chinese food, drive there and realize I grabbed a twenty instead of a fifty, need to go back.

Go back home, grab the correct funds, head back to the take out place (mile ish away).

Pay for it, get in my car... apparently I left my key fob on the table at home when I went back and grabbed the correct $$. Ended up Ubering home with the food.

This is why I can't have nice things....

squareoctopus · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two things: once, I got stuck in “look both sides” mode while about to cross the street. I have no idea how many times I shook my head left to right and viceversa, but I do know it must’ve been noticeable because some dude was staring at me with a puzzle face.

The second thing was on a boat on a trip we took before high school with my classmates. We were on a boat and the mother of one of the other kids was aboard with us. The boat ride was a fun ride, but the mom was scared so she started talking A LOT, almost non-stop. She kept on and on and on until, without realizing at all, I turned to her fast and yelled “STOOOP!!” to her face. When I got off auto-pilot I was so embarrassed my apology was barely audible.

Bingo_Hall_Floozy · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pumped handsoap on my toothbrush yesterday. Didn't notice until it was too late. On the plus side, the violent gagging woke me up.

ZapDash · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I needed to go to the bank, so I Google mapped out the nearest one. I then drove there, and confirmed the name and address and such. I parked in the detached parking garage, found the right entrance and went in. I stood in line for about five minutes and got up to the teller. She welcomed me and I went to grab my wallet.

 

And then I looked up at her and said, "I don't bank here." And so I turned around, walked out and back to my car in the parking garage, and then I Googled the name of the bank I DO use and went there next.

 

I saw so many business signs and ads as I confirmed I was at the right address for the bank I had SEARCHED FOR, and as I walked around and waited. Somehow nothing clicked until I thought about getting my debit card out.

SecretMartian · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Onve, after a long day of playing Skyrim, I walked out of my front door to grab the mail, and was absolutely dumbfounded at the lack of a loading screen. I no longer had comprehension of the idea that one could leave a building without it taking 20-30 seconds.

RubyRawds · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mix up my wife and my mother. Sucks.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve played pc games all my life like WoW, even more in high school. When I would go out to stores and that of the sort I‘d constantly catch myself looking in the top right corner of my vision (looking for a map)

MerryMortician · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We’ve all had the “take a nap in the afternoon wake up and think it’s morning” situation.

Mine was freshman year of high school. I rode the bus. Came home, fell asleep, got up at 6:00 pm thinking it was am then made breakfast, got ready etc and waited for the bus .... for an hour.

The girl next door finally came outside and asked me what I was doing. It was embarrassing as hell.

Balao309 · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive a bus. I'm constantly putting on my hazard lights and stopping my personal vehicle at railroad crossings.

precense_ · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

True story one time I had to take cash out about $1100 to get a cashier's check for rent. On my way out I had some trash to throw away. By the time I got to walmart my cash was gone. I went back to the trash can and surely enough all the cash was in there.

mrscorle · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At least once a week I try to unlock my front door by pushing, repeatedly, on the unlock button on the key fob... to my car.

rabaful · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a grocery store and I usually go outside during my break for a smoke. I was working a closing shift a few months ago, super tired because I stayed up all night working on an essay for school and decided to take my break in the seating area for customers. I proceed pull out my pack of smokes, light up and spit a fat lob on the ground before I realized that I wasn't outside. My brain went oh shit and thought the best course of action was to drop my cigarette and grind it into the waxed floor. No customers saw me but a few colleagues did, thankfully the mod that night was a friend of mine and just laughed his head off when he heard about it.

fefifofely · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dropped some food at work and said “Scout, get it.” My dog never comes to work with me so

thrwayyup · 1 points · Posted at 02:16:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at an air traffic control facility. Pulled up to a drive thru speaker and started talking like I do at work.

Emaleth82 · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened just 2 days ago! After taking my 7 year old home from school after the holiday party, I took her to the bus during after school bus drop-off. In my defense, I did have to be in the same area to pick up the 10 year old. Having said that, when my 7-year old's bus came, I reflexively looked both ways and ran across the street with her to that bus.

Daverotti · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went for a quick wee on my way out of the house. Blew my nose. Put the soiled tissue in my pocket and threw my car keys down the toilet. It took a few seconds of staring at my keys in the toilet to work out what was wrong

pixiedust93 · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put conditioner on my face.

Cribsby_critter · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove 30 minutes in the wrong direction on the interstate. Didn't realize until I was in Tennessee...

FalafelHut583 · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive for Uber part time and late at night when there were no cars on the road I picked up someone for a 5 min drive.

As I'm driving I see an intersection come up and being the good boy that I am I follow the law and come to a stop. Only problem was there was no light, no stop sign, not even a crosswalk at this intersection. Stood there for a good 30 seconds, said "Oh shit", then drove off. I called it a night after that one.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm at work I talk a lot when serving customers, just talking about our days, about Christmas coming up, about the items they bought, etc...

Sometimes when I get all their items in a bag and hand it over, I'll say something like "lovely" to fill the void, you know?

"Lovely" is not a word I normally use. Ever. So every fucking time I say it, in the back of my head I have to remind myself not to slip up and say "I love you" instead.

SenselessEel34 · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was putting away the dishes and watching something on my phone at the same time, finished and went and did other things. Looked on Facebook that night and saw that my mum had posted a picture of all the dishes stacked nicely in the fridge with me tagged in it.

deathmaster4035 · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was when I was an undergrad. I was hastily writing a lab report on an experiment about heat transfer in fins which was due the next hour. After I finish the calculation and discussion page, I realized that I basically miscalculated and discussed the wrong value. I was absolutely livid, but I composed myself and redid the correct calculation and discussion in a new page. After I finished, I immediately crumpled up the latter and threw it in the dustbin and filed the former page. I realized about one minute later. Had to uncrumple and flatten out the page.

tweeeet3 · 1 points · Posted at 02:17:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once at school we were playing kahoot. I use the same password for everything so I just have the habit of typing my password. I started typing my name to join the game (my name is a small part of the password) and I mindlessly typed my password and it showed up on the projector, didn't realize for a bit.

Cojopo00 · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was putting a card in an envelope and ended up mailing my engagement ring to my best friend. Was not paying attention at all. Completely auto pilot mode when I did it.

Pregnant brain probably didn’t help.

ImperialSympathizer · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the gas station, paid 50 bucks to the guy inside for pump 3, then drove away. Two hours later I realized I never pumped any gas.

emmaluhu · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I empty my dishwasher I place the cups on the counter below the cabinet they go in so I can put them away all at once. This part of the counter is where our coffee machine is, and my boyfriend often will leave his cup of coffee there. Well, I emptied the dishwasher, put all the cups away. I noticed my kitchen had a funky smell the past few days and I’ve been scrubbing like mad trying to find it what’s making the smell.

Apparently it was my boyfriends coffee, which was put away neatly with all the other cups. And found this when my boyfriend grabbed a cup to make his coffee this morning. Oops.

amedley3 · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school I pulled out my car keys to unlock my combination locker.

VegaDark541 · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was watching something on Netflix with my then girlfriend and instinctively started clapping when the people on TV were clapping after something. To be fair, I was really stoned.

DestroyerOfMils · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Approached & smacked my dad on the ass while he was bent over (tying his shoe), and I exclaimed “Hey, daddio!” I was 10 yo, we were in the foyer at church.

SPOILER

He wasn’t my dad. He was a stranger wearing a coat similar to my dad’s.

I died that day.

AosudiF1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Coming to this post expecting stories about Tesla owners.

SIAMESEDICK · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About three weeks after I got a new job I was on the way to work on auto pilot and drove all the way to my old job.

dazedandcognisant · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cousin and I (both young adult males), deeply engrossed in conversation, walked into the women's bathroom instead of the men's at an amusement park. After some brief confusion as to where the urinals were we quickly left and entered the correct bathroom.

DrScrewbottom · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drained the noodles into another bowl, through the noodles out. Stared at the water. It was my last pack.

Darth_Gooch · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked an 86 hour week when opening a new restaurant. Finally had some time to catch up on life and went to the grocery store. I yelled 'behind' while approaching an elderly lady in the bread aisle. I think she shat herself.

OrsoMalleus · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove to the wrong end of Kuwait on autopilot.

almosthuman · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk in the cabinet, cereal in the fridge.

Librarycat77 · 1 points · Posted at 02:18:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There were a few years where I worked quite a few different jobs, between having my own business, a full time job, and a few different part time gigs.

One of the jobs was at Starbucks, where my younger coworkers figured out that if they put me on drive through and distracted me at a crucial moment I'd answer the drive through as though it was my phone at my other job. They thought it was hilarious.

Led to such wonders as:

Me: Thankyou for calling Petsmart...wait...this is Starbucks, and the drive through. Sorry. Can I get your order?

Or

Me: Thanks for calling (library), this is Becky how can I help you. Oh wait. That's not where I am. Sorry, what can i get you?

Luckily this doesn't work anymore as I now only have 2 jobs and neither of them is Starbucks!

Eh_C_Slater · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In like grade 4 I was wearing long johns (in Canada wintertime) getting ready for school, on autopilot thought I was wearing pants and put on my snow pants. Got to school, took off my jacket and snow pants and went and sat down at my desk in long underwear.

JoshuaSlowpoke777 · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took one more pill of prescription medication than I was supposed to one night. Had to drink saltwater and intentionally vomit in the toilet to avoid being dealt massive liver damage... or worse. (This particular medication was the one type that could kill me if I took one pill too many in one sitting).

I succeeded in forcing myself to purge, and all I suffered was a lack of sleep, as my other night medications probably came out too.

Lesson to you: if you take prescription medication, ALWAYS COUNT THE PILLS YOU TAKE.

pikachu42069666 · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I am a gardener and we wear our hori horis and pruners on our belts. End of a long day, I undo my belt to take my hori hori and pruners off and undo my shorts too to pull them down in front of the rest of the rest of my crew of 8ish people. Not my best moment.

OtherCat1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once couldn't find my keys after work. Spent 20 minutes looking for them, wnlisting coworkers to help. Finally found them in the ignition of my still-running car. I had burned through 1/3 of a tank of gas idling for 6 hours (sorry, environment!) And was damn lucky the car wasn't stolen.

CriticalTit · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and a couple of friends where at an ihop during ihop's 60th anniversary. While I was telling a joke or a story to my friends the waiter comes and asks for our drinks and I instinctively Say " a stack please". My friends laugh at me and I'm confused

RoseStar13 · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger my mother would pick me up from elementary school every day. As any other day, school was over and I found her car, opened the door and threw myself in. It was only after I closed the door that I realized it was not my mother and it was a complete stranger with the same car as my mother. I’ve never ran so quickly in my life. Tbh Usain Bolt would’ve been impressed.

the_highwaymen · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time after a hard swim practice I starting changing in the bleachers we all kept our stuff on instead of the locker room but luckily no one noticed and I stopped myself pretty quickly

Locomoco89 · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As I was heading to the toilet, I stopped, walked back into my bedroom, and grabbed a clothes hanger to bring back to the toilet poop with on hand.

LordTitan91 · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day at work I got a call from one of my old clients from my previous employer. He picks my brain for a few minutes, the phone rings again as soon as I hang up. I answer, '(Place I haven't worked in over two years), this is LordTitan91, How can I help you?' The person on the other end of the line was very confused.

suzyscuba · 1 points · Posted at 02:19:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped for a red light 1 block early

Tribus_V · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this sometimes😂

enmeduranki · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ordered a coffee at a local shop and said “I love you” to the barista instead of “bye.”

CWL72 · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m used to reading e-books but I was reading a technical manual on hard copy paper and touched a word that I didn’t know to make the dictionary come up.

DarkZero515 · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did electrical work for a time and a large part of it consisted carrying around a 6 foot ladder. One night I was getting ready to go to bed (sleep on top bunk), I grabbed the ladder then just stood in front of the bathroom mirror for minute trying to figure out what I was planning on doing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Climbed into bed with my sister-in-law and snuggled up.

I work night shifts and the wife was out of town but her sister needed somewhere to stay. Told her to take our bed as we wouldnt be using it. Got home dog tired and just jumped in without thinking.

After a few minutes of confused screaming from both of us we had a good laugh about it. Wife was not impressed haha

JeriNero · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

8 year old me. I mindlessly stole a puppy keychain from Blockbuster, I fully intended to buy it. I cried all the way home.

Kitchen_Sink_Man · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured milk into the recycleable trash.

fuckamalltodeath · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My last exam this semester was a 3.5 hour calculus test from 6:30 to 10pm.

Me: hands in paper

Prof: "thank you"

Me: "thanks, you too"

The class was deadly silent, so everyone heard that. When I realized what I had done I got the fuck outta there and laughed my ass off walking to my car

strategoamigo · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made tea by just putting loose leaf tea leaves in a large mason jar. After letting it sit I got out a strainer and placed it in the sink. I poured the contents of the mason jar through the strainer and down the sink. All I was left with was the used up tea leaves.

PM_ME_UR_BEST_WAIFU · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew on my spoon of ice cream to cool it off thinking it was hot soup.

callmeajs · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting ready for bed one night in a groggy state, grabbed my toothbrush and applied pump hand soap to my tooth brush and proceeded to brush my teeth. It wasn't a pleasant experience, took awhile to rinse to out the bubbles, get rid of the taste and wash out the texture before I could finish with toothpaste.

hooloovooblues · 1 points · Posted at 02:20:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a busy restaurant on weekends. On my last shift I kicked a guy in the foot accidentally and very enthusiastically said, "Thank you!"

softwage · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cashier at convenience store was handing me my change. I said "I love you." We just stated at each other for what seemed like several seconds. I said "ok" and I walked out. Never went back in there.

tremillow · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So used to saying “love you” to my wife that I once said it to my boss when getting off of the phone with her.

boltingorc · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This might get buried but I got into the habit of saying “thank you” when I sneezed and people said “bless you.” Normal enough, except once when I was with a group and sneezed and instinctively said “thank you.” Only problem was that no one had said “bless you” and I everyone thought I was suddenly SUPER catty

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mouthed out what I was saying in my imagination with facial expressions. I have a tendency to let my mind wonder and very vividly day dream. I was cleaning some tins behind the bar I work at and someone said "Haha I see you singing over there!" Nope. I couldn't even hear the music. I can't remember the conversation I was imagining, sadly. Definitely not an important train of thought. Just a really slow day at work.

pineapplebish · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my purse in the trash while holding onto the actual trash in my other hand.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In Middle School we were allowed to play board games during lunch at our tables. I was playing Connect Four and eating Oreos and I put an Oreo down the board and then took a bite out of Connect Four piece. It hurt my teeth so bad and I ended up leaving teeth marks in the piece so it became know to be “my” piece 😂

Struggling_to_Keto · 1 points · Posted at 02:21:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once playing basketball with my brother for a week straight and doing fake shots. Doing the dishes while my mom was cooking I rinsed my last plate with the towel, went to aim for the towel basket and threw the plate. It was like watching in slow-motion. My mom's face was blank, and then slowly I could see the reaction happening. My heart was slow until I realized the mistake.

RandomlyPrecise · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to pinch open a picture in a newspaper with my thumb and forefinger like you do on a phone because I couldn’t see the detail.

skittles940 · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work as a cashier at a small local grocery store. It was July 4th weekend and we were insanely busy. The phone started to ring at my register, so I picked it up and accidentally yelled 'Would you like paper or plastic?' to the customer on the phone.

nicolams · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i was coming up to a red light, and there were 2 cars in front of me, in the far right lane. i was trying to turn right, and was waiting patiently for the person up front to make the turn. i gave him some time and then was getting a bit antsy. the light is now green and nobody is going- what the fuck.

i am behind 2 parked cars.

King_Whistle · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to make banana ice cream and I usually slice the bananas into thin slices before freezing them. Anyway, after peeling and slicing up a dozen bananas I walked over to the trash can with the plate of peels in one hand and the bowl of sliced bananas in the other...I dumped all the bananas into the trash and was just left there standing with a plate of empty banana peels.

Prof_Alchem · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Usually when I leave school, I give a hug to my friend (who is also my crush) on my way out. On a particular day I got a text to run out of school and get in the car quickly so that me and my mom could beat traffic. So I ran thriugh school and ran into my friend. I gave her a quick hug again and out of pure Auto Pilot and reflexes I said "I Love You" like I had just hugged my Mom bye for school. I trailed off like "I love yooooo.....-" and tried to play it off, but she caught me and we both started blushing like idiot teens. I had to run to the car still and I booked it to get the hell away from that awkward situation.

Nibirus_finest · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a call center for Discover and I used to work for a fast food restaurant. I was working drive thru and instead of the generic fast food line I said "Thank you for calling Discover Card my name is x, how can I help you?"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into work with a lit cigarette in my mouth.

Phailadork · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened nearly 2 decades ago. I "lost" my glasses. Walked to the living room to ask my grandma where they were and she just looks at me like I'm trolling her and says "they're on your face" while pointing at me. The "oh..." that hit afterwards was too many emotions to process.

As embarrassing as it is, it's a nice memory because it involves my grandma.

imjustabrowsin · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got out some crackers and cheese for a nice snack. Ended up putting the crackers back in the fridge and the cheese in the cabinet. Thankfully my S.O. found them and corrected this a few hours later.

alwaysmyfault · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was playing poker with some friends a couple years ago. I had a stack of chips in front of me, and a bag of Nibs (mini Twizzlers licorice) to my right.

I would munch on the nibs while a hand played out, to pass the time. Well once instead of grabbing for the Nibs, my hand grabbed a red poker chip in front me, and I put it in my mouth and took a bite.

I tried to play it off and hoped nobody noticed, but someone definitely did. They still bring it up years later.

rubberbaby100 · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my friend sitting next to me in class. (She was a professional dancer and was used to being at many performances). After the instructor finished lecturing for the day ( a very dry psych class) she instinctively started clapping.

voiceofgromit · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unzipping before reaching the bathroom door. I was at work at the time.

LeftSafety · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was brushing my teeth with my Sonic toothbrush which I had neglected to charge in a while. The toothbrush stopped brushing as it chugged out of battery power. I felt annoyed thinking about how I would have to go to the nearby Target or CVS at night to pick up a toothbrush. Then magically, my hands began to move the brush in a very familiar way and I remembered that the electric toothbrush could be used manually.

Lazycrazyjen · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had gotten out of the shower and had done my hair and makeup and so on. The last two steps of my routine are to put some argan oil in my hair and put lotion on my hands.

I confused the two steps.

I was like a half hour late for work because I had to wash my hair and start the whole thing over again.

tboess · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my wife. She was coming to pick me up from the mechanic's while I had my car worked on. Saw her roll past me in her car and I figured she just drove past because she wasn't paying attention. Well, that was an understatement. She had reached down for her club and put it on her steering wheel WHILE STILL DRIVING. She was on a pretty busy road and immediately realized that she had to pull off. Because her legs were in the way of turning the wheel to the right while the club was attached, she had to pull them around and over the wheel so she could veer over. Luckily, she had a Wrangler, so she was okay jumping the curb. She still says it was the 'blondest' thing she's ever done.

EyeIsMe · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Countless times scraping food into the sink and almost throwing out my plate. I'm an idiot

Double_AA_Batteries · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Awoke from a nap to the buzzing of my phone. It was my mom. She asks if I'm okay and if I'm on drugs. Apparently she called earlier and I answered in my sleep, telling her that "I can't talk because I have to go back to my desk now, there's a meeting starting in 5 minutes" To this day she still thinks I was smoking something. Hooray for working overtime.

LTMunday · 1 points · Posted at 02:22:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hit the 2 ball into the 6 ball. Made the pocket, but not with the cue ball. People looked at me like I was stupid and I didn't even realize what I'd done until someone told me.

Chlorenn · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use those stress/ workout grips for your hands (these things) and I do it quite often, usually at my sides near my thighs so I don’t distract people at work. One day I had a pair of scissors and started automatically doing it. Ended up cutting out a little chuck of my thigh. Still have the scar.

Hack_of_all_trades · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened a can of corn, went to the sink to drain the extra liquid, and poured it all down the garbage disposal.

d_frost · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed my mom on the lips.

I was used to only greeting my GF with affection, which was always a hug and a kiss. No hadn't seen my mom in several months and instinctively hugged and kissed her

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oof

jasonjanak · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Thanks for calling the T-Mobile on 59&127th, how can I help?"

Say this every day when I'm at work the first time I answer the work phone for the day. I haven't worked at T-Mobile in about three months and I still do this every day. Co-workers just laugh at my slip up.

Come_On_The_Union · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at an urban outfitters trying on a pair of pants. I left the dressing room to get a second opinion from my SO. She agrees they look good so I go "OK great" and proceed to take them off. Except I'm now in the middle of the store. I don't realize what I'm doing until the pants are at my ankles. I'm in my 20s and I felt like an old senile man. It was bizarre.

Sinz_Doe · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put cereal in the fridge, milk in the pantry, cereal bowl in the dishwasher and spoon on the trash.

No idea why.

MrShinyDiamond · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 7, I used to play with my friend. I'll call him "Kiddo". Anyway, kiddo and I hung out all the time. One day I forgot he was on vacation and went to his house. His dad answered.

Me: Hey! Can kiddo hang out today?

Kiddo's dad: No, sorry, he's out of town.

Me: oh okay

Kiddo's dad: have a great day!

Me: love you too!

It haunts me to this day.

Kekukoka · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent an hour tearing apart the house looking for my Gameboy, eventually realized it was in my hand the entire time.

Ohayo_Godzillamasu · 1 points · Posted at 02:23:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made a coffee at work, took a wooden stirrer out of the drawer and threw it straight in the bin. Two steps ahead.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started walking up a down escalator. A bunch of teenage girls saw me do it and then whispered amongst themselves while giving me looks. I recovered by yelling “She doesn’t even go here.”

batfiend · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making stock.

After a long slow cook, put the colander in the sink and poured the stock down the drain.

svenovid · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a restaurant as a server and sometimes if we are busy when I am bussing tables I throw away the entire plate and left over food instead of just the food. I always sigh heavily and fish the plate out. I have done this with forks and knives at least once a week and one day I threw a cup away.

Everything is trash!

laridance24 · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Instead of telling my dad to throw out a carton of bad milk I told him to delete it. I was never so embarrassed in front of my dad in my LIFE especially when he proceeded to make some lame jokes that I then had to endure.

beazermyst · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed in a garbage can

NumeralZeus · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

woke up to a ringing phone.

me: this is xyz restaurant how may i help you?

person: ....

me: we aren’t taking anymore orders for tonight but you can place an order for tomorrow if you would like!

person: Does... Does NumeralZeus work there? He gave this as his personal number. This is his doctors office.

NGS_King · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a Swim Meet, and freaking out because I couldn’t find my goggles. I eventually realized where they were. On my face. Note: I was a pretty young kid, before 10

Allen7753 · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some mornings I'd have to get up at 2:50am so I could get caffeine in me and leave by 4:00am. I'd set up the Bunn coffee maker before bed then I could just pour the water thru and presto, coffee. I got up one morning , poured the water, set the carafe in the sink and headed to the bathroom. Bunns make coffee quickly, especially when you forget to put the carafe back under the basket.

Exotic_Broccoli · 1 points · Posted at 02:24:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at a McDonalds when this really angry customer came to the counter saying that her drink was diluted. I took it, got her a new drink and asked her to help me throw the diluted drink away without thinking.

The lady got a lot angrier.

Ezzaro14 · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making myself some lemonade, so I poured some spatkling water in a glass, cut a lemon in half and squeezed it out. I then proceeded to try and close the other half of the lemon by trying to screw on the call from the water bottle. My brain struggled to process what happened for about 5 seconds.

ChicagoMay · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a guy that "I'd better plug this in, cause everything dies here...," referring to a vitals cart. The guy was giving me a history on his dad who was just admitted to the hospital into the same room where his mother was already admitted. He had a good laugh, my coworker had a good laugh... I was mortified.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve accidentally put my phone in the refrigerator.

Timinime · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Arrived in the US from New Zealand.

Hertz guy was trying everything to get to buy on insurance. We did a walk around inspection of the car, I said one final time I was fine and didn't need insurance, then opened the passenger door and started to get in.

He just shook is head....

(I had insurance via my credit card)

smh_matrix · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Close reddit and then open it again.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost said "have a good day" twice.

It came out like haaaahha....

I felt weird for 5 seconds then I walked out to my truck and forgot about it

seanyboy43 · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my previous job I would take a lot of calls, and I had s pretty consistent way of signing off. One day I accidentally slipped in an “I love you!” because I was just having a nice day I guess. Luckily the person was super friendly and realized I said that by mistake and was cool about it.

Everyone around me couldn’t stop laughing after I hung up.

UrethralCarnage · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

taking a shit while in a hallucinogen induced haze I sneezed into tissue and then wiped my ass and thought something was wrong with me and that I was pooping goo

I shit you snot.

Giggity4242 · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I searched for my phone with the light on my phone.

cootchiegucci23 · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was combing my hair while on the phone with my dad, and I’m walking downstairs to loop my belt in, but for some reason I was so into the conversation with my dad, I unzipped my pants and pissed on the floor. Good news I only did a tiny bit because I realized what I was doing, but I can’t believe I let myself do it.

Tricher619 · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I paid for my order at a drive thru and then drove away before getting my food. They handed me my change and I drove home. I had to go back after realizing...

Dartmuthia · 1 points · Posted at 02:25:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long day I came home and put some leftovers in the microwave to heat up, and typed in my childhood garage code on the microwave keypad instead of a time.

randomstardust · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked out of work 10 minutes early.

Beccabooisme · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a hardware store. I used to check in screens that we sent out for repairs, and call the customers letting them know their screens were back. When i got a voicemail box, my typical message was "hi this is beccabooisme from ace hardware, i'm just calling to let you know your screen is back in the store. Have a nice day, bye! "

More times than i care to admit, I'd go on autopilot and instead leave this message " thank you for calling ace hardware, this is beccabooisme, how can i- oh no whoops i called you *nervous laugh * um your screen is back at the store thanks bye! "

elmoos · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drawn a patient’s blood, collected the sample, and promptly threw it in the sharps container.

They_Cut_The_Fleeb · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm crying laughing

TheMiddlecouldbeme · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told my boss I loved him when hanging up the phone.

winfong1803 · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked to my house front door trying to unlock it with my car remote... Then spend a minute thinking why I don't hear the unlocking beep sound...

logarus · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew my nose into a tissue when I was leaving the house and threw my keys in the bin with the other hand

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a gallon of sweet tea and sugar box needs a refill, and I poured the entire bag of sugar into tea jug.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a knife in the cheese drawer and the cheese in the knife drawer. Didn't notice until the next evening when I went to cook dinner.

Sloth_Broth · 1 points · Posted at 02:26:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day I got up and sprayed aftershave directly in my eyes. Couldnt figure that one out.

afk4bong · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took a piss on an open vhs case of cool runnings at like 4am.. I knew I wasn't sleep walking because I remember doing it clearly.. who knows. My cousin tried playing it the next day but the vhs player broke.... they still don't know this 20 years later.

CatLovesShark · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled my pants down.

In my flat, in in the hall, as a preparation for putting shoes on! I just got out of bed from a nap, and I had to hurry to get the bus that I wanted to get to be just a little bit too late to meet a friend, and I was wondering if I should use the loo or if it'd take too long, and suddenly I found myself half naked bc I pulled down trousers and undies in one go. I then got very very confused, just thinking "what" and "whyyy". Put my shoes on and left. Also almost stepped in front of a car.

I'm just glad my flatmate didn't see me like this.

TheDudeMaintains · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Twice in recent memory I've given the Brian Regan "you too!" response. Once to a medical staffer before an operation (her: "...and good luck with your surgery!" me: "you too!") and again while running past a gate agent to catch a flight (her: "Enjoy your flight!" me: "You too!").

I've caught myself about to do it with servers at restaurants too. I'm really socially awkward so my brain spins its tires a bit when I panic in response to basic human interaction.

DisposableKnife · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always seem to be answering people with 'No problem', when someone says 'Thank you'. Thanks retail for turning me into a Pavlovian puppet

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked for my phone to make a phone call while reading something on my phone.

Christinab1992 · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a 12 hour shift, I came home half dead and went to pee. I sat down on the toilet, and realized I forgot to take my pants off. I peed in my pants. Sitting on the toilet. All i could do was laugh

Lilredh4iredgrl · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the remote in the fridge. Lost it so thoroughly I ordered another and then found the other slightly more chilly remote.

powerserg456 · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured a spoonful of sugar onto my croissant instead of my coffee

littleblackcat · 1 points · Posted at 02:27:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the cupboard and the coffee in the fridge

JuniorSeniorTrainee · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to drink ceiling water from a cup next to the couch that was collecting drips from a leaky ceiling.

platnum42 · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve had a few of what I call “God Dammit Brain” moment but my favorite one was when I was in college making my ramen for dinner for myself and my roommates.

The way I prepare ramen is I smash it up where the noodles are little shards of their former 3’ long glory, cut the packet open and put it in boiling water and cook it like regular pasta.

I’m just chugging along, mashing, cutting, grabbing the seasoning pack and putting it on the counter, then dumping the ramen and tossing the packet in the trash.

I open this pouch, I take the packet out, toss it to the counter, then turn and throw the ramen brick and all into the trash and just stop. I stand dumbfounded as my roommates stare at me wondering what was wrong before I scream out in anger

GOD DAMMIT BRAIN!

ladystilinski · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Obligatory this will probably get buried but I straight up walked into the wrong apartment. I was working the Disney College Program which is all together an awesome, immersive and at times completely disorienting experience. I had just worked my very first day after “earning my ears” or completing training. It was a ten hour closing shift that ended at two in the morning and topped off with an over crowded, hour long bus ride home. When I got to my stop, I coasted to my building and began the climb to my third floor apartment. I get to what I think is my floor and I somehow open the door with my key, and walk in. Except there were none of mine or my roommates possessions there. I begin to panic a little and go further into the living room and realize the apartment layout was exactly the same as ours. I don’t know what finally woke me up to the fact I was in the wrong place but I reversed out of there and realized I was on the second floor instead of the third. That was probably the closest I’ve come to entering the Twilight Zone.

I later found out because there are constantly people moving in and out of the college program apartment complexes, they were repainting the apartment just below ours and getting it prepped for the next incoming wave. They had taped over the lock so they crew working on it could get in and out of the apartment as needed but must’ve forgotten to take it off.

Special-Kwest · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday my dad put cinnamon in the dog's food while he was making a bowl of cereal for himself.

I've tried to put in my car key into the doorknob of my house. Also my house key into the ignition.

Also have answered "thank you for calling my name this is my company name speaking, how can I help you?" Instead of "thank you for calling company this is name how can I help you?" The customer and I laughed for a good 10 minutes, it was a nice interaction.

DeuxAlpha · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if this is related, but almost every time I shower and I'm about to turn off the water and get out, I stand there and try to remember whether I've used the soap yet or not.

12345refrigerator · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once pulled up to a guard house in a gated community, and proceed to try to order a number 1 from McDonalds

kupkupkupo · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at Starbucks and was on auto pilot as I started to tear open several packs of Sugar in the Raw, poured the sugar in the trash, and dumped the packet papers in my coffee.

When I realized what I had done I turned my head to the right to be met with a lady who thought I was on something.

hunnynotfunny · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always call my mom as I get ready and go to work and then lock my gate as I leave. Conversation goes like this (and believe me it happened multiple times) Me: so tired. Hate work lol Mom:sleep early tonight. Locks gate Me:shit I think I left my phone inside. Mom:damn Me:no wait shit I'm talking to you on the phone.

loud-moonrise · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep trying to unlock my house door with my car remote

apackofchips · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use to work night shifts and I would stop by the chipotle after work around 9:00 since that was the only place opened in the area. I finish ordering and the cashier is handing me my bag and she says “Enjoy your food” and I instinctively respond with “Thanks you too.” I walked out that door feeling real dumb lol.

tuppertupperweb · 1 points · Posted at 02:28:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was pumping up my bicycle tire and got lost in thought. I just kept pumping on autopilot until it exploded. And here I thought popping a balloon was slightly frightening.

billaswdfres · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drunk sleepwalking. Too many times to count. Too many innocent hotel guests seeing me stroll the hallways in my underwear

spyooky · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home after a late night out with friends. Spent the next 2 hours in a blind panic looking for my wallet and calling the uber driver, all the places I went to, all the friends I had gone out with; nearly cancelled all my cards before realising that it was in my work bag. Turns out I'd put it in there immediately after getting home so I didn't have to spend the following morning in a blind panic looking for it.

FictionalWriter · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After around 4 to 5 months of barely any sleep I passed out rocking my daughter to sleep. Apparently I snapped awake and realized I needed to go to bed. So I just got up and walked out of the room. Luckily my husband was us and saw me leave the room. He ran over asking if I was ok. I just remember being really confused. I had walked out still holding my daughter who was wide awake now and looking scared. I just turn back around to put her to bed

smackofjellyfishy · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Earphone Jack in ear instead of actual earphone...

juicyflute · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom made a pot full of spaghetti noodles and went to dump them in the colander and dumped them down the disposal instead.

moistalien · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drive

shenanigins · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Out to breakfast with some friends. Really small, mom and pop type diner. We're all done and I was chewing on the ice from my water glass, swirling the empty cup(other than the ice) around and just generally zoning out. Then the old lady waitress behind the counter, on the other side of the room, asked if I needed more water in a rather frustrated tone. She didn't seem to care for my apology either. Oops, sorry waitress lady coffee hadn't set in yet.

Oliveeyes717 · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally passed my exit and ended up at the beach

TheGreenGuyFromDBZ · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my brother answered the phone and said ' dear god'

kittehtoefloof · 1 points · Posted at 02:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week, I tried to order a slight variation of my normal Starbucks drink. My brain said “NOPE! Denied! Get that shit outta here!”

I’d like a tall coco— Sorry. A tall cocon— DAMMIT!!! ATALLCAPUCCINOWITHREGULARMILK!!!!

possibLee · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working in a local shop, started closing the place down an hour early. I'd shooed most of the customers out and locked the door before my coworker noticed and intervened. Luckily the owner was out that day.

emccrckn · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed a soda out of the fridge and took a swig of it except instead of soda it was Dales Steak marinade.

diarrhea_attack · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Misplaced something in my closet and said "ctrl + z" out loud to undo it...

Piximae · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad has a silver Nissan and never locks it. He also doesn't have anything inside, except the back seat. I left the store a bit ahead of him as he was paying and opened the passenger car door, got in, and sat down.

Then I see him walking in front of the car asking "what are you doing?"

I quickly realized his car was 4 spaces down (it was a semi empty parking lot) and the car I just got in wasn't his. It just looked a lot like it.

I had wondered why it was so clean and smelt nice...

serendipity127 · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first job was a coffee shop, and I had to be there quite often at 6am. I walked, and the walk took me 15-20 minutes, so I was used to my alarm going off when it was still dark. One morning I woke up, thought it must be time to get ready. Went to the bathroom, put in 1 contact and was just about to put in the other when I noticed it was 3:30am.

woohhaa · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my keys in a gas station garbage can instead of the disposable coffee cup in my other hand.

HowThisCrowFlies · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

12 hour day at two jobs just itching to get home and make a solid dinner and sit down to eat. Took extra time to make my favourite meal, all plated and ready to go just had to grab a glass of iced tea to go with it - except I poured the pitcher all over my plate completely ruining my dinner. I laugh/cried of exhaustion and the ridiculousness of it all.

boka_soda · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Search my pockets for my cellphone....extreme panic....realise that I'm holding it in my other hand, pressed against my ear and talking to someone over it....relief

Lord_of_Dorks · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a classmate. During massage school, its routine to get undressed under the covers. In acupressure, we must remove items that would block the flow of energy. Hats, shoes. belts, ect. We would still keep on our other clothing items. But one day, our instructor told us to remove the necessities and climb on the table. Our classmate removed his belt, then shirt, and started undoing his pants before realizing he didn't need to go that far. Turned into a great story down the road.

WhyYouHating123 · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last Christmas at the time I was working 6 days a week always starting at 10am but I would always get there at about 9:30am

so on Christmas day when the shop was closed I went to work let myself in and started to get everything ready for the day at 10:15am I realise how much of a idiot I am

UpEthic · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at Chili's. Chips are made fresh in the morning and set in huge tubs until they're eventually ready to move into the chip warmer which is a few feet away from the ice bin for beverages. I watched a co-worker walk over with a tub of chips and straight-faced dump them into the ice bin, shaking the tub to make sure they all came out.

lennie_kay11 · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work the 5 am opening shift at the gym. So used to looking up and greeting members, I’d greet everyone I saw everywhere with a “good morning, how are you?” I once started to greet a stop sign.

flarn2006 · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saw a bottle of rubbing alcohol next to the sink, and I just poured a bit of it out into the sink. No idea why.

f1shst1k · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured coffee into my breakfast cereal

smackofjellyfishy · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fall asleep on public transport with a live album playing in your ears, then waking up clapping along with the live audience haha

Ecto01 · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some odd reason whenever I'm playing a game on my PS4, and I'm about to head off (and I'm on autopilot) I sometimes accidentally uninstall the game instead of just closing it

It's happened with red dead 2 twice so far, and had to reinstall 98gb's worth... twice. Sigh.

marshhhh · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hugged a US Senator once. I went to shake her hand and it just happened—my body read a cue wrong or something. It was 102 degrees in Washington DC and I bear hugged this poor woman.

Shodan561 · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Search for my phone for a good 15 minutes... while on the phone. I astound myself with my autopilot stupidity.

Medafets · 1 points · Posted at 02:30:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was the last period of high school. We were in the computer lab, as they used to be called, typing up notes about science or something.

Sitting next to me was a very annoying kid who talked endlessly about everything. Seriously, this guy could take underwater with a mouthful of marbles.

He was taking to one of his friends, I was typing away trying not to let on how annoyed it was. School was just about to get out and I was on total autopilot waiting for the bell to ring.

When I read back on my notes half way down the page was the sentence “Just shut the fuck up already” squeezed into the middle of the paragraph.

Had no memory of writing it.

clevergirl_42 · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushed my teeth. Turned off the water. Spit on the floor.

QueenOfTheMoon524 · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just quit my job at a restaurant (where part of my job was to answer the phone with a standard customer service greeting) and he sent in applications to several local potential employers. I accidentally answered my personal phone when a potential employer called to set up an interview with the restaurant greeting. Felt like an idiot, but they offered me the job.

misspersistent · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everyday coming home form work I hit a red light at the first intersection after getting off the freeway. If i'm driving the same route on the weekend I always come to a dead stop at the intersection out of habit, even when the light is green.

omniphobiaparanoia · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent a good deal of time on a mushroom consommé for for a special NYE dinner menu and after many many hours of simmering and tasting it until it was perfectly concentrated I took it over to the large 3 basin sink in our restaurant’s kitchen and strained it through a chinois straight down the drain.

rugbylova · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After pouring milk into my cereal one morning.. I turned around and threw the rest of it in the trash..

littlehawkes · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom meant to reheat her coffee in the microwave, but ended up microwaving my aunts iPad instead. Her excuse is, “I hadn’t had my full cup of coffee yet”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I used to work at a movie theater, I would sometimes ask for someone's reward card, scan it, and ask for their reward card.

icsircjm · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work I always have to open up bags of fries, pour them into fry bins, and then throw away the empty bags. Well, this gets very repetitive and I tend to zone out while doing it. One time, I opened up one of the fry bags and just poured it directly into the trash. I immediately realized what I had done and just sat there staring at the fries in the trash trying to think of how I was going to explain that to my boss. My coworker just stood there and laughed

matthewbowers88 · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove 6 extra junctions on the motorway.... the equivalent of about 30 miles. I’d had a stressful night.

Also used to get paid to pick up and drop off a friend from his work. Once so tired I got back to my house with him still in the car. He wasn’t at all a talker. Brooky if you’re out there hi bud.

Kenhamef · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know those times you just jack off and clean up without even noticing you did it?

dewdrive101 · 1 points · Posted at 02:31:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was really early in the morning and i poured myself a glass of OJ and then dumped the juice i just poured down the sink. I laughed it off and poured myself another glass just to do the same thing again.

cwatz23 · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up around 11 am, but since my sleep cycle had been completely backwards (I was basically nocturnal), I was still extremely tired and in a daze. I had to pee, so I proceeded down the hallway, past the bathroom and into the kitchen. Dropped my pants and started pissing right into the trash can. I mean pee is waste, right? So it goes in the trash! I didn’t realize what I was doing until I had released half my bladder. I quickly got my pants back up and shamefully walked to the bathroom to finish my business, praying that one of my roommates wouldn’t smell it.

yeahitscase · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my hands under the bathroom sink and waved my hands like.. ‘hello?? Why isn’t the water coming on??’.. and then I realized I was at home and not at work, where we have automated faucets 🚰 🤦‍♀️

kadam23 · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had fries on my left hand, had phone in my right hand, dip phone in ketchup.

echo_of_zuzu · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once showed up to work and didn't realize until 2hours into work that not only was I wearing 2 different shoes, but I'd forgotten to put my bra on at all.

Hankolio · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed on my record player when I woke to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

DeeJayChoi · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I place something that needs to be balanced, like a vase or a ball, I tell it to "stay there" as if I didnt the object would fall over.

fudgyvmp · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Share family secrets like how my cousin hasnt had her period yet when she's 27.

ILoveMyE92 · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put my phone in the refrigerator before.

dompomcash · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for my phone in my car (stopped). Not in my pockets, not in the seat next to me, not under the seat. I can’t find this thing anywhere. I searched for an embarrassing few minutes before realizing I was holding it in my hand...

dickmcswaggin · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was taking the pit out of an avocado at work and threw the avocado in the reach while keeping the pit.

cjbntnt · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to scroll a newspaper or magazine like I do when reading my phone.

GODDAMNFOOL · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work as a ride operator at an amusement park when I was a late teen, working on a river-rapids ride. For every single boat, we had to give the safety spiel - please remain seated, keep arms and legs inside the ride, et al

You'd figure after saying the spiel 50 times per hour, you'd never mess it up, but the biggest flub I ever had was telling a black family to 'keep your black hands on the ring in the center,' but thankfully the water rushing through the station was so loud nobody could hear / listened to what you were saying anyway.

ChickenNuggetMike · 1 points · Posted at 02:32:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me as a waiter in a bar,

“How would you like your chicken cooked?”

cholula_is_good · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took the day off work to go to a job interview. Printed out the ol resume, put on a nice suit and drove straight to work.

mas-sive · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard

Katiedid55 · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at a game store talking to three employees: my bf, S and E.

A customer comes up to the counter just a couple feet away from us talking. For context I have worked retail for seven years and go into customer service mode if I'm not careful.

Customer: Can I get some help please? Sorry for interrupting.

Me: No that's fine. (I then realise I don't work here and she is confused, I get flustered and try to finish my sentence anyways) We are just communicating.

Bf, me and E immediately start laughing along with the customer.

S: (imitating supposed alien mannerisms) We are communicating. Like Hew-MANS do.

None of us could stop laughing after that and they still give me shit.

-MisterPerson- · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Hey what’s the time?”

“yes”

Sleepypoliscikid · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I farted in a grocery store as if I was alone at home and received various types of looks from other people in the aisle.

spacedranger- · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my granola into the refrigerator after putting some into yogurt. It took me 10 minutes to find it the next time I went to eat some.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left the house with no pants once.

My school was pretty far so I had to wake up extra early, therefore I was always on autopilot. On that day I had PE so had to wear my uniform and it was in the dryer, downstairs.
I put the rest of my clothes on, my sneakers, got my backpack and went downstairs. Then I decided to have breakfast before going to the laundry and completely forgot about the pants. I noticed something was wrong when I turned the corner and felt the wind on my legs. Came running back home and because of that I lost my bus and was late for PE.

Mipwnyew · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jumped in the shower only to realize that I still had my socks on...

Instant regret.

KnightBourne · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was around 7-8 and I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

At the time my grandparents lived at my house and they had a dog who was a rescue who they kept her bed in a crate but they didn’t keep it locked since the dog just liked sleeping in the crate. They also kept her water bowl in the crate.

Instead of taking a left to go into the bathroom I took a right into my grandparents bedroom, past both of them awake in bed reading, to the dogs crate and proceeded to take a piss in my dogs water bowl for some fucking reason that’s what I chose to do instead of backing out of the room realizing I wasn’t in the bathroom.

I’m still worried I’ll pull that stunt again in a groggy stupor.

nicolioni · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to waitress. There were a few occasions where I would go up to a table, introduce myself, go over the specials, etc. About halfway through the speech I’d realize that this is a table I had already been serving for some time. I was supposed to go clear some plates, or ask how their food was tasting. Super embarrassing as I’d just trail off mid sentence and say “....we’ve already done this part, haven’t we?”

freshhotdonuts · 1 points · Posted at 02:33:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was sick and needed to spew so I quickly ran into the bathroom, put up the toilet seat and on auto pilot sat down as if to pee. Proceeded to spew all over the bathroom.

meowmemeow · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm in grad school so I keep an odd sleep schedule. I usually wake up an hour or so before the sun cause I like to work in the morning when there are no people around. It gets dark early here in the winter. One day I woke up at 5 o'clock really hungry and decided to walk to a 24 hour burrito place a few blocks over. On my way out run into my elderly neighbor and have a conversation with her in which I mention how I'm surprised she's awake. She gives me a weird look. I continue on, texting my bf as I go. I comment on how weird it is that there are so many people out and about - he messages me that it's 5 pm. Brain ignored the last part. Long story short I was walking around downtown marveling that the bars were still open so late/ early for a good hour before I realized it was 5 in the evening, not 5 in the morning.

I got my burrito, ate half of it on my way home, and put the rest in my pocket. When I got home I fell back asleep again shortly and forgot about it. So my cat ate through my coat pockets to get the burrito and I had to buy a new one :(

jadenthesatanist · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked around the house for no less than an hour and a half looking for my glasses (which is notably hard when you aren’t wearing your glasses). The only way I found them was when I proceeded to try and push up the glasses I wasn’t wearing out of habit and poked myself in the eye with the arm of my glasses. I had been walking around with them in my hand the whole time.

DublinItUp · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making a sandwich half asleep during the middle of the night. I bumped into my trash can and apoligized to it.

Frenzied_Cow · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to grab something out of my car during a break from class, when I got back inside I needed to grab something from my locker. Walked up to my locker and tried to open it by pressing the unlock button of my vehicle's keys...

FruitGoose · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Noticed my car was missing on my lunch break at work, had all my colleagues looking and reported it to the police. Looked out my office window and saw I left it in the garage opposite, I stopped there in morning for petrol, paid for the petrol and a bacon roll and walked to my office.

billrn1999 · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use voice recognition software to dictate documentation at work and for text messaging. When I leave a voicemail for someone, I often state punctuation with each sentence. Some times I realize it, and I’ll laugh and explain during the message. Other times I’m clueless and only find out when a friend or coworker jokes about it with me.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gently tossed an ice coffee into my passenger side seat after hitting up the drive through. I usually toss my wallet, not my drink.

BelgianWofl · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started filling my protein powder jug with water instead of my shaker bottle :/

rrport · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We all have our assigned parking spots at school. The one time some asshole took my parking spot, I backed into them because I automatically was trying to get into my parking spot. I was so surprised. Luckily, no damage was done.

captaingoatbeard · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning when my cats were kittens I would use plastic spoons to feed them their servings of wet cat food. I would often eat peanut butter for a snack so sometimes i would grab a spoon, scoop up some peanut butter and eat it like a lollipop. My wife called me for something and without thinking, i grabbed the wrong spoon. Tuna and egg was 10x worse a flavor than it sounds.

rubberduck774 · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up from bed at 2 am to piss. Then started to get dressed as if it was time for me to go to school.

Bowser_Tron · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent about five minutes looking for my glasses, not realising I was wearing them.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:34:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning before I left for work, I did my business in my bathroom, washed my hands, dried them, and threw a brand new roll of toilet paper in the toilet. I looked at it for 5 seconds before my brain processed what I did and then I grabbed it and tossed it in the trash. Thankfully I had already flushed the toilet.

4am wake up calls are weird sometimes.

YoLawdCheezus101 · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tossed the glass in the trash and not the used napkin. More then once.

Granslamwich · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't actually know if this happened or not because it happened so long ago and so late at night I can't distinguish it from a dream, but I have a very vivid memory of waking up one night, needing to pee, walking into the kitchen and then pissing on the floor.

stockname · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my ice cream in the fridge and the milk in the freezer. Went back a few hours later and was super confused to find my milk in the freezer but was pissed and confused that I couldn't find my ice cream. It then occurred to me to check the fridge and there it was. Totally melted.

smackofjellyfishy · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love you to taxi/bus driver

ufomygod · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a call center and at the end of a call I told the guest “Love you, bye”

awkwardavacado69 · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just started a new job at smallish startup.

Was in the office kitchen getting water.

Saw an employee that I had not met riding a bike into the kitchen .

Me: “ nice bike”

Him: “thx, gotta get around”

Me:”ya.... i don’t think we have met, my name is awkwardavacado”

Him: “ mumble mumble my name is [redacted] mumble mumble hand mumblegoodmumble”

He extends his hand in greeting.

As I shake his hand, I say

Me:”hand stuff is good” (I meant hand shakes is good)

I regretted it immediately.

I figured he would forget, and he was probably some rando engineer. Not important. I don’t have to interact with him.

He ends up being one of the cofounders of the company.

Fml

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a coffe shop & I almost poured a whole 2 liter jug of iced coffee in our ice bin. I do not know why I did

MissDarylC · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When cars stop at zebra crossings, I always wave to say thank you. More then once I’ve waved at cars for stopping at the traffic light crossing.

Nullmilk · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work outside for most of my job, allowing me to spit most of the time without thinking of it. Everyonce in a while during my morning routine ill randomly spit on the floor and then think about how stupid i am while cleaning it up.

StevenMcStevensen · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was drinking a glass of milk and missed the step of bringing it to my mouth while distracted. Just opened my mouth a little and poured it straight on my shirt.

smackofjellyfishy · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"You too" as a response to "happy birthday "

FlamesofBritten · 1 points · Posted at 02:35:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw away the last hamburger bun while putting the bun bag on my plate.

maybebastos · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was a kid I needed to pee, so I walked out of my room, went to the kitchen and peed into the trash can. My mother was there and gave me the biggest "what the actual fuck" look of my life

jase12881 · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was maybe 12, I came out and started talking to my dad and for some reason I start pissing in the kitchen trash can.

Ill never forget the look on my dad's face as he goes: "What the Hell are you doing?!"

He was not happy at all.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said merry Thanksgiving

EmpressFox6 · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Soooo ...I had a job where i had to text my boss totals away the end of the night. I do this one night then decided to text my bf at the time something super dirty...like DIRTY af didn't realize in all my excitement till after I sent it that I change the person i was texting. Yuuup sent it to my boss... 😶 He was flattered but not interested 🤣

trippingchilly · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cutting a big pile of limes for a night at the bar.

Cut off the pointy ends and put them to the side for discard, slice limes in sixths.

But I was talking to a girl, so my brain goes bye-bye. I finished cutting and promptly trashed the lime wedges and put the ends in a bucket. She started laughing.

Also: ten years later, as a mailman, I once moved to put the belt buckle in the truck ignition. We do a lot of repetitive motions each day, and those two just confused me momentarily.

de_bubo · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making tea in the early morning at uni. I picked up a sugar packet, shook it a couple time so that the sugar settled at the bottom, tore it open, turned to slowly pour the sugar into the trash can, and threw the empty packet into my mug. I felt as if something wasn't quite normal, but it took a few moments to realise what had happened.

jenakle · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving, my boyfriend was with me. We were having a good conversation and I stopped at an intersection. This one was a stop sign, the next one up was a red light. After a minute or two my boyfriend said, "ya know, the sign isn't gonna turn green." I had been watching the next light out of my peripheral.

twwwwwwwt · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was a kid I poured myself a glass of milk. I then picked up the glass, opened the fridge, and then placed it inside. Then for some fucking reason I picked up the at least half a gallon of milk and held it over the trash can before thinking "wait something feels wrong here"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It isn't something that I did, but one time my friend's little cousin went over to a pond to feed some ducks. He had tissues in one hand and bread in the other.

Instead of throwing the bread he threw napkins at the ducks.

Necarre · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my house door with my work keys and couldn’t figure out for 5 minutes why the door wasn’t opening.

valhallaorange · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the pantry.

teenycakes · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nurse here (LPN) I once finished getting a patients morning meds ready in one of the little paper cups, at least a dozen pills. I then picked up the pitcher of water to pour a cup of water for them to take their pills with, instead I filled the little paper med cup with water with precision before realizing what I had just done, as my coworkers watched and laughed..

HasturCrowley · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just a couple of weeks ago, I needed to charge my phone. Went to the bedroom, sat on my side of the bed and grabed the end of the charging cable, suddenly confused looked around for my phone. I didn't toss it on the bed like usual when I'm going to sleep, it wasn't in my pocket... Hey, my new watch will ring it for me so I can find it! pushes button to locate phone ringing "Hold on dad, I've got a call..."

...

"Shit, I'm stupid..."

Pyr0_Brawler- · 1 points · Posted at 02:36:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wasn't me, was my brother.

Whenever we would eat food he would be sitting by his wife and when we went to pray he would give her a little thigh rub. (Nothing sexual just a simply thigh rub)

So, the family of the four of us go on vacation and we get something to eat. As we are going to pray, my brother out of pure muscle memory gives me, his little brother, a thigh rub. It was a glass table. My parents saw. I will hang that over his head for years to come.

SignQuincyCarter · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended a conversation with a coworker with, “OK, Love you, bye.”

JustHereForThePr0nz · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been so zoned out last week my dad got me a small pack of mikes hard today and I walked to the kitchen to put them away and put one in the microwave.

Vinnybiyo · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened a twirl bar, walked over to the bin and through the bar in the bin and stood blankly with the wrapper in my hand. Last bat may I add.

pixi3bitcg · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a customer come in so I said the usual “hello welcome how are you” and they replied with a “I’m doing well how are you?” And on autopilot I said “I’m great how are you- wait. I already asked you that oops”

She laughed it off but it’s been 2 weeks and I’m still reminding myself how dumb I was.

batmanlovespizza · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked up to my house with car remote and pushed the button in order to open the front door...like three times in a row.

nelska · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

woke up.

HydroxylIO · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have tried using my work ID to badge into my licked house after a 16 your shift.

Insane_gamer2026 · 1 points · Posted at 02:37:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once making ramen noodles and went to pour a cup of soda to drink but insted poured it into my boiling water.

ChefAwesome · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy Birthday!" "You too!" pause Fuck.

ww11_veteran · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to read small print on a juice bottle and I tried to use two fingers to enlarge the print size. Yes, the way you would on a smart phone.

RoseyShortCake · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I purchased an eighth of marijuana. Casually toss it in the bathroom where I would be smoking it.

I overshot the clean and dry sink. The sealed bag fell in the toilet.

I flushed it.

bongabot · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if "auto pilot" or just stoned.

Was tasked to feed my roommates lizard while he was away. Woke up in the morning and walked downstairs to give her breakfast and couldn't find the crickets anywhere. I did however notice that the beer I had bought the night before was on the counter when I could have sworn I put it in the fridge. Luckily crickets are very resilient and somehow came back to a few hours later, only to then be eaten by a lizard

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating a fruit milk with a spoon and i threw the spoon in the trash and empty wrapped in the sink for washing 😐. I would say this was funny.

severed13 · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher “mom”

dawnquixotee · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at a fast-food drive in place. A coworker came up to order something when he was off and we were super busy, so I was really frazzled and not paying attention when I brought his order out. He thanked me. I tried to say "no problem" but instead I said "nope." Then my brain heard what I said, tried to fix it, and said, "Yep." Didn't have time to fix it so I just walked away.

EluminizaKarin · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened about a week ago. I work at a grocery store but I was buying stuff through the Express line to eat on my break and I asked my cashier if she wanted her receipt even tho I was the customer

NastyJake46 · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put milk in my ravioli's. Idk wtf I was thinking...

wezeralus · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I almost bit the head off of a chameleon I was holding in my left hand because I had a snickers in my right. (to my credit, the chameleon was brown at the time)

Free2Be_EmilyG · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This'll get buried, but oh well.

Last week, I went to the self-checkout, scanned and bagged my items, put them in my cart, and left. It wasn't until I got outside that I realized I had completely forgotten to pay.

I went back inside, explained the situation to the employee working in the area, and paid for my items. I don't think I'll be going through self checkout for a while...

xseptinthegenitals · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got in the shower with my socks on.

mapletree4 · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I thought I had pink eye I called my dermatologist’s office instead of calling my eye doctor. I went into a whole spiel about my eyes and didn’t realize my mistake until she was like, “um, we don’t treat pink eye? We’re a dermatology clinic?”

s33k · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had lost a cat that had been ailing for many weeks, and when it came time for my annual physical, I drove to the vet instead of my doctor's office. I got all the way inside and started bawling when I realized what I'd done. All the techs came out to hug me and then send me on my way.

TheGreenSide · 1 points · Posted at 02:38:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Taking a tray of drinks over to customers, including a pint of Pepsi and a bottle of water. As I'm putting the pepsi down, I see the bottle start to tip, and I immediately let go of the pint to catch it, meaning the glass falls the last 3 inches onto the table. Hardly any spilled, and my customers laughed it off, but I was so embarrassed at being so stupid. It was an unopened bottle, so I didn't even really save anything, I just can't help trying to catch something if it falls.

hulia_gulia · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just washed my face twice in the shower, because I forgot I washed it the first time, but remembered once I was washing it the second time.

Sunflowersandpotato · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg right into the sink, then grabbed a spoon and stirred an empty bowl

I also have started taking clothes off that are over my bathing suit at the beach and continued undressing. MORE THAN ONCE. yikes, what a show

cheetahg1rl · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school, I worked at an inflatable play place that did birthday parties on the weekends. We ordered our pizzas from a local pizza place, and I was always the one who went to pick them up. I can’t tell you how many times I accidentally drove to that pizza place on auto pilot. Sometimes just turning down the road, or heading in that general direction. Sometimes even pulling in to the parking lot if I was going somewhere in that area already. I worked there for a few years and drove there at least 8 times a week, so I drove there more than anywhere else. It got weird how many times I did it..

FluffieOwlet · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Currently have a nasty head cold and a 3+1 year olds who decided to get up at 5am this morning, mafe them toast have a sleep and went to put the toaster in the fridge, opened the door and everything thing, the my brain tried to process how to fit it in the fridge... Then I short sercuited for about 5min staring at the toaster trying to remember where it went

johnny_p23 · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into McDonald's after a long day at work, approached the counter and asked the cashier "what can I do for you today?" I work in retail, autopilot didn't turn off :(

fudgeunicorn · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My roommates and I held a friendsgiving one year and a couple guys I didn't know had been invited. I tend to be a shy person, especially around new people. ESPECIALLY if they're guys. Anyway, this one guy was heading out, gave everyone else a side-hug, and when he came up to me politely asking if I wanted a hug goodbye, out of habit of giving my roommates hugs when they leave sometimes, I gave the guy a full body hug. Everyone laughed and brushed it off, but I felt completely mortified and a bit violated, even though I was the one that did it😖

thelivinlegend · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

New Years Eve a few years ago I was living in an apartment complex and partying outside with my neighbors. My apartment was opposite the bank of garages, one of which my neighbors had set up as a sort of party room, which was where we usually gathered on weekends.

I remember the countdown and a little after, but next thing I knew I woke up on my couch in a sitting position, massively hungover. Later my friend told me I had passed out in one of the lawn chairs, and sometime after that a fight had broken out in front of one of the apartments.

My friend said he patted my shoulder to wake me up because nothing is more hilarious than watching a fight when you're hammered. He said out of a dead sleep I shot up and sprinted, making a beeline straight for my apartment. I have absolutely no memory of this and all I can think is my autopilot realized I was outside and commenced some kind of homing procedure. It was pretty funny the way he told what happened, but I can't really convey that by text.

binarycat64 · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling teachers mom.

pushingdaisies17 · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy your movie!"

"You too!"

RxPillPusher · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking to my wife on my cell phone.... Frantically looking for my cell phone in my car... Ask her while I'm on my cell phone "where's my cell phone, I can't find it"... She's like are you serious? It was at that moment I realized I was talking to her on my cell phone

jamnsk31 · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Changing out of my swimsuit after swim practice, it wasn't until my friend asked me what the hell I was doing that I realized I was still on the pool deck and not in the locker room like I thought.

gizmo78 · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Frozen dinner. Threw away the dinner and microwaved the box.

campbeln · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived in Australia for 14 years but moved back to the states about 2 years ago.

Rounding the corner on the freeway one morning, there was a roll of brown carpet in the center median and the first thought that jumped into my head was "poor kangaroo".

nanoH2O · 1 points · Posted at 02:39:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to put toner on my face, realized after that I'd been using the contact solution bottle

Abrakastabra · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making lunch. Got a can of soda, glass of ice, bread, meat, mayonnaise. Made the sandwich, poured the soda in the jar of mayonnaise.

Psycho_pitcher · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

said "cancer-gram" in reference to Instagram in front of a girl whos dad died of cancer. I knew he had and 1 second after it came out of my mouth I realized what Id done.

FriendlyHastur · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Filled my mouth with mouthwash and forgot to spit until I reached the hallway, then I spat there, 5 meters away from the sink.

ReallySeriousDogs · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought this was about doing something weird while in the cockpit of a plane. Does that count?

blankcxnvas · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

got on a bus with those machines that you tap your bus card on, and I was so gone in my own dimension that I mindlessly tapped my debit card on the machine for 10sec before realizing. Bus driver was beyond confused

notmyrealnam3 · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hangover autopilot.

I walk out of a fast food place towards my car. Just before I grab the door, I hear “hey” and think morning of it.

Hop in the car and something is not right. My shit isn’t there , the colors are different. Slowly my hungover brain says “this ain’t your car bro”

Still super confused, I hop out of the car and there is a dad and 2 daughters walking towards the car laughing like crazy. He was the one that said “hey” as he saw me going towards his car.

He high fived me and was a super good sport about it.

geneorama · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my boss dad

deadhurricane · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After completing my payment transaction at KFC, I said to the server: "Thanks, would you like a receipt with that?"

spacedranger- · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talked shit (in a funny way) to the manager of the warehouse I used to work at. I work as a mover and we talk a lot of crap to each other. The manager came out to talk to the contractor I worked for and said something smart about our work not realizing he had said it, I said something smart back to him that was some what vulgar. That surprised everyone but they all laughed about it!

Stormwolf1O1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was staying at a hotel. Halfway through my shower one morning, I heard "POLICE, OPEN UP!" and consistent banging on the hotel room's door right outside the bathroom.

I was nowhere near being done with my shower. Hair full of shampoo, body covered in soap. I went into full panic mode. I stepped out of the shower without turning it off, grabbed a towel and attempted to dry myself off a bit, left the towel on the floor and walked out of the bathroom to go answer the door.

I answered the door soapy and butt-naked, to two female police officers who were sent to check on my well-being/make sure I wasn't planning to harm myself.

I apologized and they allowed me to excuse myself to run back into the bathroom, turn off the shower and grab a towel to cover myself. They were really friendly and understanding, told me they've "seen worse shit."

pandecoconut · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's hell week so I'd usually get max 3 hours of sleep everyday. I was riding the jeepney that time and was listening to Bohemian Rhapsody but then I fell asleep for a couple of minutes. When I woke up, I realized that it's time for me to go down the jeepney. Since I'm still at my half awake state I said "Mama mia let me go" instead of saying "para (stop)". The driver and the passenger looked at me weirdly

SayYesToTheDess · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made chicken soup from scratch once which required buying chickrn bones, hacking them apart and then cooking them for a while to get the bone marrow out etc. After they cooked for a few hours I was supposed to drain the broth into a bowl and throw out the bones but instead I drained all the broth into the sink and kept the bones.

It took me a few minutes to realize what I had done.

CoreKatalyst · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had gotten too used to drawing digitally so when trying to do a graphite drawing I found myself reaching over to hit the undo button when I made a mistake.

wretlaw120 · 1 points · Posted at 02:40:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said “hello, upperclassman” right after a freshman said the same to me (me=junior)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not necessarily a consequence of being on auto-pilot, but rather a consequence of awkward positioning. Close enough nonetheless:

It was during the second year of University, where I met my current girlfriend. We would (do) occasionally stroke each other’s knees/legs as a sign of affection. If we’re eating in public or at a friend’s house, we might do it under the table. That is, a tap or a couple of gentle rubs.

Anyway, one of my girlfriend’s best friends was sitting with us during dinner. However, she was sitting awkwardly at the head of the table, and my girlfriend and I were sitting at the two seats next to that one (opposite each other). I reached out to stroke my girlfriends knee, and did so.

After a few seconds, my girlfriend’s friend just starts staring at me with a funny expression. I wonder what she’s staring at for a few seconds until she asks, “Ben, why are you stroking my knee?”

It was obviously a funny mistake and has become a running joke.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took off my shirt and threw it in the trash can (meant to put it in the washing machine)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working as a waiter, I had to get a little cup of sour cream & a little cup of bacon bits for every person who ordered a loaded baked potato...I grab a pinch of bacon, and a spoonful of sour cream.

One time I went for a spoonful of bacon. And a pinch of sour cream....I dunked my hand in the sour cream.

bongripsandpizzastix · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a short period of time I was working 2 jobs, one as a clerk who ran a sock store and the other as a Pizza Hut order taker (customer service rep). So one day I get a call at the sock store and I answer the phone, “Hi, thank you for choosing Pizza Hut, will this be for pick up or delivery?” It was the owner of the store. Luckily she thought it was hilarious and didn’t give me a hard time about it.

h1r8er · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The hair product I use comes in a tube very similar to a toothpaste tube. On two different occasions I have spread product on my toothbrush and brushed away! Not very minty fresh!

TonyTheTigerKC · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled up to a gas pump, went inside to pay, came back out, hopped in my car, drove off.

After I got half a block I realized my mistake and luckily nobody had used it so I got off lucky.

AgentNeoSpy · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a resident advisor and after doing my rounds in my hall I was trying to leave. While looking at my phone, I walked into a residents room instead of the nearby stairwell. They were in the shower and it was incredibly awkward

killerofheroes · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time at iHop, the server brought me maple syrup even though there was some already there. I was confused. I apparently he asked him for some but had no memory of it. My friend confirmed it.

koolkatmom · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a bag of lunch meat in the bread drawer. Mom found it less then a week later because it smelled like fucking hell and yelled at me asking why the fuck I put a bag of ham in our bread drawer. Stopped making sandwiches at 2am after this

Dag_demo · 1 points · Posted at 02:41:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in an underground mine. I’ve routinely tried to take my cap lamp off to shine it into the corners of cabinets and such. Especially corner cupboards. Also, move my head in a circle when trying to non-verbally signal someone to come into my direction. (Imagine complete darkness with someone essentially drawing a circle with their head while facing you...now imagine the same in the daylight, in a non-mining social environment. It’s odd. cap light signals .

WigglinWaffles · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday at work i was buying something from the little food market and the girl in front of me yelled that she hadnt paid for her food yet and by the time i realized she was yelling at me, I had already paid. We laughed about it and when I sat down, she turned to her boyfriend and said "so guess who our new sugar daddy is"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was making coffee once, I took the cup of hot water out of the machine before it finished pouring.

Thruhiker99 · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Arriving to play in a high school football match, locked the car w key then realized I couldn’t carry the key on the field so dropped them through the sunroof which was slightly opened about an inch, fully realizing the mistake before they hit the seat.

skeletorlaugh · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unwrapped a pack of cigarettes, pulled off the foil, and threw it in a subway garbage, keeping the trash.

ArthurTheMoth · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked down the drive way instead of going through the front door after hung out with friends on the Fourth of July and my dad though I was intoxicated

electric_poppy · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wore my bunny slippers to go pick up food to go from a restaurant. I had just gotten them and was rocking them at home and forgot until I got out of the car and realized I was wearing them. Oh well 🤷🏼‍♀️

kaleidoverse · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was holding a bottle of beer and a bottle of nail polish, and I shook the wrong one.

Krissyeeen · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was about 10 years ago when I was with an old employer. We had arranged a big meeting with our largest client because there was a new supervisor for the department.

As the new supervisor comes in, I put out my hand to engage in a handshake, saying “It’s nice to meet you. I’m [first name + maiden name].”

I quickly caught my mistake and said “I don’t know why I said that. That’s not my name. My name is [first name + married name]. Sorry. I’ve been married for 4 years but clearly I’m still getting used to the name.”

Thankfully we all had a good laugh.

But I was embarrassed as hell.

iverson03 · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my laptop in the fridge at work

AnExtremeFootFetish · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This might fall under sleep walking, nonetheless, afew years back I woke up needing to go to the toilet. My dining room is on the way, so instead of going to the bathroom like a normal person, i thought the dining table leg was a good spot to take a leak. The weirdest part about it was, I was aware and awake the entire time. Like peeing on a table leg is a normal occurance of my day. Just as i was about finished, the colossal mistake dawned on me. Still havent told the family since...

ramairliz · 1 points · Posted at 02:42:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said, with a cigarette in my mouth, "now where the hell is my cigarette"?

decavolt · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've owned manual transmission cars for over 20 years. Once, I rented an automatic transmission car and went to push in the clutch. But, since there wasn't one, I stomped on the brake instead and left a nice big skid mark in the road. Thankfully no one was behind me.

lucythelumberjack · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I make outbound calls at a call center. Just a few days ago some lady answered the phone and I automatically went into my voicemail spiel, “hi this is lucythelumberjack from Major Credit Card Company, please call us back at...” It took me a few seconds and I just went “oh my god, I’m so sorry”. She laughed it off.

Taminella_Grinderfal · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More than once after a bad day I have pointed my car key fob at my apartment door and wondered for a few seconds why it didn’t work.

kittymctacoyo · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I JUST accidentally calcium powder on my salad instead of the salad I’d prepared for my bearded dragon, Casse (short for casserole, of course)

I’m also constantly trying to unlock my home with the keyless entry for my car, finding my phone in the freezer even though I don’t recall ever getting anything out of the freezer, and multiple times have died to pull my sleeping dog over my feet like a slipper.

BigEasy7 · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was growing up me and my sibling shared a bathroom and my parents had another bathroom. I woke up one morning early as all hell and groggy beyond belief. I was enjoying the warm water and reached for the shampoo which I sprayed a liberal dose into my hand, and just before I began lathering my head with the shampoo, I thought, “spray can”??? I just about rubbed Nair all of my head. Smh. Lol. That would have been regrettable

kyoto_blze · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in basic training, we had just finished the grenade range. For the mock grenades, it was a green shell that looked like a normal (M67 Grenade , but had a hole in the middle of it for a silver tube to act as the simulator, made plenty of noise and interestingly enough, could still fragment even for such a small tube. A detail for the range was the take all the silver tubes, make sure they’re actually spent, and to take off the pull rings we had just spent an hour putting back on.

So myself and 3 other lil’ fuzzies are working on a small shitty table grabbing up these tubes, ripping the rings off and throwing the tubes in a pile on the same table, simple enough. I see a strange bent tube, grab it, see it has not been discharged, but I’m in a pattern and just rip the ring off and throw the damned thing into the middle of the table. We all look at it, someone says “what the fu-“ and the thing goes off.

We all kinda duck but it was quick, I look up and one of the guys has blood coming from his ear and we’re all just blindsided. Ear guy starts screaming, saying he can’t hear but really none of us can. And drill sergeant comes over, cussing up a storm and then I just start laughing at it all, not to be rude but I just couldn’t help it (I think it’s a response for panic of mine). Turns out no ear drums were busted, but frag went and nicked his ear, everything was fine and I did not get in trouble for that incident

errorsniper · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have worked as a cashier for basically 10ish years now. When I hear the receipt get printed/cut I reflexively say without thinking would you like a bag with that and then have a good day/night.

I occasionally do this when I'm out getting groceries for myself. The cashier will finish ringing up my stuff, Ill pay, look them square in the eye, do that fake customer service smile and ask them if they would like a bag for that because I absentmindedly do that whenever I hear a receipt printed I am a walking Pavlovian example.

The usual reaction is laughter or a really confused look. One time she said "OH MY GOD SOMEONE ELSE DOES THAT!"

Dr_Booyah · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not super embarrassing or funny, but a client once asked me for my email over the phone and I gave him my phone number.

He was like... that’s your email..?

passivelyaggressive1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:43:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shut my cat in the refrigerator...

I was so tired and therefore easily confused and she was meowing at the fridge door like she would the back door when she wants to go out. So I just opened it and shut her in. I was horrified about a minute later when I realized what I had just done. The kitty actually just wanted the leftover tuna. She got it and another whole can because guilt.

spookymulder15 · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

When I worked retail, I had to welcome customers to my store (I worked at a Shoe Dept) which was in a strip mall beside a Walmart. It was a particularly difficult and tiring day for me and my assistant manager and no amount of caffiene could save me. So two customers come in, and I end up welcoming them to Walmart. After I get oer that fuck up, I go back to doing what I was doing in one of the aisles by the two male customers. I having a terrible ear for non-romance languages, asked the guys if they were speaking German. Turns out they were Danish. And when they left I told them "Merry New Year"

mustdashgaming · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was cooking for our yearly christmas breakfast. I was cracking a dozen and a half of eggs for scrambled eggs and cracked one into the trashcan and threw the shell in with 17 eggs.

thepastiest · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was signing my mother's birthday card and put both my first and last name on it

mirmoolade · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Deleted my favorite Minecraft survival world 😞😭

RustDeathTaxes · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After my first daughter was born I was up late feeding her around 2am. After she fell asleep in my arms, I went and put her bottle on the sofa and the TV remote in the fridge. The next day I was getting pissed that I couldn't find the remote. I only realized it was in the fridge when I went for water.

chvarnado · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Clicked the picture in an ad to get more details, it was in a magazine...

Picked up a cup and took a drink, husband said "hey, that's my drink". Slowly spit drink back into the cup. Oops

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the restroom and immediately started peeing in the trash can.

Also went to get something out of my car, but instead pulled out of the driveway and started driving away

Mattyg54 · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was playing some late night rocket league and I was so tired but didn't feel like going to sleep. All I remember of the games I played was staring at the bookshelf behind my monitor and playing on autopilot. Apparently I did pretty good... I guess that means I play that game too much...

anhducbim · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think that girls most often fall into this situation.

grrlnamedgo · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BRRRRINNNG picks up stuffed bunny "Hello?"

somecow · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying “ok, talk to you later byeeeeeee” after talking to someone from a customer service line or whatever. I hardly ever have to call someone besides friends, so just habit. Always that awkward pause when we both realize what my dumb ass just mistakenly said.

Bharune · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work 12hr shifts, 6 days a week, for months at a time.

Can't tell you how many times I stood outside my car, trying to unlock it by swiping my work badge across the keyhole.

MonstrosX · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to push up against the lense on my glasses to adjust them on my face. Eventually, I switched to contact lenses. Was sitting at the table earing a bowl of cereal, I put down my spoon and I poked myself dead in the eyeball. Oof.

marty_town · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “you too” to the bartender at the airport that said “enjoy your trip”. I swear they do that on purpose.

Gmb1t · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A close friend of mine was trying to clean his glasses, and tried to fog them up to wipe them off.

Instead, he just breathed on his index finger, looked at it for a few seconds, and then looked up to see if we saw.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:44:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in science class wearing gloves. I was on autopilot and washed my hands with them on, my teacher did a double take and started yelling at me and laughing ;(. Honestly its a good thing thats the worst thing to happen to me in a science lab while on autopilot

coneyhead · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my daughter was 2 she had a bad habit of falling out of bed in the middle of the night. Like a good Dad, I'd leap out of bed and run in to her bedroom to make sure she was ok. We were living in an apartment at the time and to get to her bedroom I'd jump out of bed, run to the foot of my bed, hang a hard left and skedaddle out into the hallway towards her bedroom. Got all that?

Fast forward a couple months and we're living in a different apartment which is a mirror image of the apartment we were previously living in so now I have to jump out of bed and take a quick turn right at the foot of the bed. Well, the first night she tumbles out of bed, I jump up, run to the foot of my bed, hang a hard left and run smack into the outside wall, come crashing down on the floor, wake my wife up and I'm sure half the apartment building. Left a good sized hole in the wall and got a mild concussion.

TonyTheTigerKC · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right after I had gotten glasses for the first time my sophomore year of high school, I flew down to Atlanta. Right after I got off the plane and into the terminal I panicked and ran up to the stewardess and told her I left my glasses in my seat and had to run back and grab then. She was nice enough to let me go back but my glasses weren't there. I checked underneath the seat and in the seatback pouch and both rows around me and nothing. I was so freaked out. As I was walking back off the plane I realized they had been on my face the entire time. I was WEARING my glasses. Probably the dumbest I've ever felt.

thelongestlurker · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was a cold day and I walked down to my parents mailbox to collect the mail with my hands on the insides of my athletic shorts for warmth not even thinking about how it looked... this SUV drove by with a mother/daughter combo and I got the most disgusted look shot at me ever. Immediately felt like a pervert and pulled my hands out which somehow made it all look worse. 🤦‍♂️

Will_Work_ForCats · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always try to wash my dishes before putting them in the sink to make cleaning easier. During Thanksgiving we decided to do paper and plastic dishes/utensils and I ended up washing I think 7 paper plates before realizing what I was doing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work part time occasionally as a theatre technician, usually operating a followspot, but I do almost anything, and I volunteer to do tech for my schools shows. Now to communicate with my tech team mates during a show we use coms and I frequently use a lot of radio lingo on coms just to make communication faster and it feels "professional" lol. Usually after a big show that I work on for anything from a week to a few months, I find myself speaking radio lingo to non tech people outside of showtime.

For example: be me. be in class and need to use bathroom. teacher is strict and makes us ask to use bathroom. raise hand, once I get called on I say "can I take a 10-100?" everyone in class including the teacher stare at me with super confused looks. realize my mistake. Oops. that one other techie who is in my class with me is dying laughing in the corner

Edit: the formatting didn't work sorry I'm somewhat new at this

JifferWap · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In college I worked at one of the busiest Domino's in the United States and after answering phones for hours, a customer came in and I gave them the entire phone spiel right to their face without batting an eye, thanking them for calling and asking if it was pick up or delivery.

warriorsforever72 · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used my phone to find my phone

Philster_EU · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mate told me to leave my bag in the back of his van. So i opend the back door and placed it behind the drivers seat. At lunch he opened the front doors for me. For ages I was trying to reach the back door handle so I could get my bag. After 30secs my mate came over and asked "what's taking so long" I replied "I can't reach the door handle to open the back door." He said "can you reach you bag". I pretend to struggle reaching for it knowing how stupid I was.

annex1million · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a dollar to my name and I was very, very hungry. I used it to buy 1 apple at Target. Purchased it and was given a receipt. I had my apple in one hand and the receipt in the other. On my way out, I went to throw my receipt away in a trash can but I accidentally threw the apple into the trash. I was very sad.

midnightchaos · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There have been two times where at a convenience store I've put my items on the counter and straight up asked "Hi how can I help you today?" I work two jobs at front desks so I find myself saying that phrase A LOT.

Antumbra_Ferox · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Autopiloted straight into a gatecamp in my first shiny VNI on its maiden voyage out to null. The guy who got me sent a message that said "lmao" right before the end. It haunts me.

bee73086 · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened back in the day when I was 18 working at Hollywood Video.

I walked into the office at work we all put our drinks in the same spot I picked up a cup took a big drink it was something I didn't like so I tossed it in the trash can. Like 10 seconds later I realized um that wasn't your soda. Lucky it was just a little office trash can and it had not spilled or anything so I put it back and tattled on myself to my coworker it belonged to.

I offered to buy him a new one, he just laughed and drank it anyway.

thomas2times · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went for my morning coffee...opened a creamer, poured the cream in the garbage and threw the empty container into my coffee.

CrimsonTheCrow · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge.

My dad wasn't too happy about that one

sl600rt · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Drove the wrong way down a one way street with moderate traffic.

Niko19 · 1 points · Posted at 02:45:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent 2 hours looking for my wallet in my house, and after finally giving up...I lay on my bed and looked up at my fan and lowe and behold my wallet was sitting on top of one of the blades. ( I guess earlier I had been bored and threw it up there while on my back, got distracted and forgot where I left it.)

foxp3 · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into wet cement.

speedchaser17 · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was super sleepy, got up needing to pee but went to put something in the trash first... next thing i know i have my pants down and am about to start peeing in the trash. First seconds i was just so confused about the whole situation and then i couldn't stop laughing. It was hard to explain...

AgentBlackK · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister and I have the same car but mines a stick, when I parked her car I pulled the handbrake as far as it could go and she couldn’t get it down the next day when she tried to leave.

Also when Drove her car I was slowing down to make a turn. When I went to push the clutch in I slammed on the brakes with my left foot, luckily no one was behind me though.

GuyThatSaysCool · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I started peeing in my kitchen bin. Only for like 2 or 3 seconds before I realised what was happening. It was off the back of a big Brute Force sesh though. I think it can be forgiven.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a job as a CA/PT. But I was also the receptionist (small business). So I would answer phones and help people with therapies.

One time I was setting someone up on a machine for muscle stimulation and I accidentally said "It's a great day at business, this is RIPChairModel, how may I help you?" instead of "Tell me when!" as I turned up the machine.

Needless to say, my patient was very confused.

talipally · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was frantically searching for my phone when it was in my hand the whole damn time.

WhatIsQuail · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home from work and my MIL and SIL were at the house with my wife. Standing behind the kitchen counter and having a conversation with them I just take off my shirt and pants. Took me a minute to realize what I had done.

KingInky13 · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning, I walked out of my house for work without my car/ house keys (this was shortly after I bought the place and moved in)... Only problem is my front door locks automatically behind me. Had to sit on my front porch for a half an hour while my dad (who had the only spare set of keys at the time) left his work to come let me back in. He got a great father's day gift that year and I made a backup plan to make sure I'd never be locked out again.

PM_me_punny_joke5 · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a call center for a major insurance company in the US. I was texting my girlfriend as a call came in. I answered with "Thanks for for calling XYZ company, how may I hold you?"

Thank God the guy on the other end had a sense of humor. He answered with "Any way you want, it's been a long time since I was last cuddled."

Feshtof · 1 points · Posted at 02:46:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was speaking on the phone with my wife while getting angry that I was unable to did my phone

There_Goes_Bill · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a shirt on with the hanger still in it, proceeded to get visibly upset with my mother for trying to tell me. Not a morning person.

Woodybroadway · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got a good one. When I was around 20 (m) I was on my college swim team, during a home meet I was between races so pretty wet and a bit cold. If I don’t have a towel I usually rub my arms, wasn’t paying attention and I must somehow started rubbing my nipped, which were hard from the water and cold. A girl on the team noticed and asked if I was rubbing my nipples, I just shrugged and said yea.

NuclearTestes · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked on a navy base which had upper base and lower base divided by turnstiles and guards, lower base was where I actually worked. On the weekends and holidays you can park on lower base without a pass, well it was a holiday and I parked on lower base. I walked out of the turnstile to upper base as I normally do during the week after my shift only to realize after I was through the turnstiles I was parked on lower base. 1/2 mile walk later I got in my car and drove home. I was parked 50 yards from my office.

Freya96x · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Okay so for context, in the UK in shopping streets and stuff there’s often people that we call chuggers. Please give £10 a month for the poor starving squirrels or whatever. I’ve learned to just say ‘No thank you’ and just keep walking because they are relentless and you stop for a chat adamant that you’re not going to set up a subscription and the next thing you know you’ve signed over the soul of your firstborn.

Anyway. Last year for my birthday my best friend and I went to Amsterdam. I smoke a fair bit of weed at home so I thought I’d be able to handle it. Spoiler alert. I couldn’t. So after eating a space cake and smoking a joint, we decided to go and explore. As soon as my foot hit the pavement the cake hit me. My brain was on auto pilot because my body had to concentrate so very hard on just putting one foot in front of the other and not getting killed by a bike or a tram. Then this guy appears in my peripheral vision, in front of what I assumed was a sandwich board, holding what I assumed to be leaflets. He approaches me from the side and says ‘Excuse me’ and my stupid stoned ass brain decided that he was obviously a chugger or selling tourist stuff or whatever, so tried to say, ‘I can’t right now’ and ‘not interested, thank you’ but it came out as a very loud ‘NOT NOW’ which was embarrassing but I shrugged it off and was low key proud that I was such a savvy tourist. Like, at least I haven’t been made out of pocket. So I kept walking, my friend was slightly ahead of me. He heard me fucking yell ‘NOT NOW’ at this guy and turned around to see what was up. I’m still walking so that we don’t get dragged into whatever he was selling. Best friend then cracks up laughing and asked me why I was being so mean. Turns out, the sandwich board was a suitcase, the leaflets were a map, and the chugger was a lost tourist asking for directions. And I yelled at him. By the time I’d realised what had happened he was gone so I didn’t get to explain.

So, lost man in Amsterdam in October of 2017, who got yelled at by a red eyed fat British girl, I’m really sorry man I was just stoned.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a call center and always open with the same line. Sometimes before bed I’ll get on my knees and pray. Instead of addressing God, I opened with “this call may be recorded for quality assurance”

Swicket · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Freshman year of college, spent the weekend at my parents' house, about an hour away from the school. Got up Monday morning, got my shit together, drove to school, went into the band hall.

My high school band hall.

disappointingsoup · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sat down on the toilet and peed through my underwear

Vocci · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend and I had spent the night drinking, and it was time for some drunk snacks. We went into the kitchen, threw a Jamaican patty in the microwave and let it cook away. When it was ready, drunk me took the patty out of the microwave and tossed it in the dishwasher. My boyfriend came home to two mystified drunkards searching for this damn patty that we magically lost. He went to go grab a clean glass and saw the patty sitting there all cold and sad looking. Not my finest moment.

bladedvoid · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

FC'd Honesty

jimothy1812 · 1 points · Posted at 02:47:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a nurse that just transferred units. On my new unit we do sterile fluid changes with an extra filter on the tubing. On my old unit we had similar procedures only not sterile and no filter. So it’s an easy process, I just have to tweak it a little. I was getting a couple sets of tubing together (just connecting the regular tubing to the filter tubing) as I talked to the nurse orienting me. I felt like I had the whole thing down, wasn’t my first tubing change or sterile procedure. I went to uncoil the tubing to spike the fluid bag and realized I had just connected the two ends of the filter tubing, creating a useless ring. Not a huge or irreversible mistake, but silly. I showed her and admitted maybe it was karma for being too confident.

kmenome · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My entire life

MetalMermaid23 · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat my wine next to the paint water

diceyo · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made a stash vegetable stock. Sieved the vegetables out at the sink...lost the whole thing down the drain as I forgot to put a bowl underneath. :/

laxflidz · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldn’t find my phone so I grabbed a “flashlight” to look under my bed to see if fell under there. Took me a solid minute of using my phone as a flashlight to realize that it was in my hand.

kanyes_toothbrush · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

SO was making cookies (or at least trying to) and read 1 and 1/4 cups flour as 11/4 cups flour so yeah we ended up with a few dozen more cookies haha

The_BarChuk · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work one day and it was quite busy so I was answering the phone a lot.

On my lunch break my mom calls me and I answered with "(name of workplace), how can I help you?"

Not_A_Wendigo · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just finished working my first week at my first job. It was an eight day week. I looked at my watch, saw that it was 5:30, said “That will be $5.30,” and tried to punch it into a register that wasn’t there.

fartyfish · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of mine knocked his drink off the table so naturally I tried to catch it with my foot. Ended up launching Mountain Dew all across the floor.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Farted in class while half asleep during the moment of silence that was a part of every morning announcements. For the unfamiliar, moment of silence is basically a time to pray, but you can't legally say that in a public school.

ExistentialSnail · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Heading to work and stopped at the bank to hit the ATM. Got out of the car with the engine running and promptly locked myself out of the car. Went to the gas station to call AAA (pre-cell phone days). AAA comes and unlocks the door. I thank them and promptly close the locked door to lock myself out again. Guy looks at me and shakes his head before opening the car for me a second time.
That was not a good day.

zanyquack · 1 points · Posted at 02:48:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Missed an ILS approach because I sneezed onto the window at decision height.

Edit: after reading the responses and being extremely confused, I now realise this is r/askreddit and not r/flying.

Edit2: it now occurred to me that this in itself was an autopilot moment. Whoops.

wivetrishe · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a coworker of mine put the dirty dishes in the microwave instead of washing machine

ellawkrp · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Could not find my phone anywhere. Took out my phone to call it.

Erdolphin · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Take rings off while on the toilet so it’s easier to wash hands. Blows nose with toilet paper, throws rings into toilet bowl instead of snotty toilet paper.

y2julio · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used my train keys to try and open my house door. Wasn't used to working overnights.

ryanaluz · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend was making Kraft Mac and Cheese one night. She put a pot of water on the stove to boil for the noodles. The water comes to a boil, she grabs a colander, walks to the sink and dumps the boiling water through the colander without ever putting the noodles in.

JohnP_001 · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was young, I opened a pack of Oreos. When I went to the trash to throw the wrapper away, I threw the Oreo instead of the wrapper

FoxyMoxie13 · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have little sugar packets for my coffee in the morning. I’ll rip it open, dump it in my coffee, and then throw the packet away.

Sometimes I forget the second step.

Ezekielyo · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to get work in London doing customer support at a very small software company (10 employees) but lived in a surrounding county about 2h travel time away. Our building had a buzzer with a voice comm connected to the office. One especially hazy morning, I buzz the office so they can let me in, the usual voice of my friend says "hello, company name", I say:

"Hi, it's Joe",

and he buzzes me in, giving me a confused look when I enter the office.

Turns out, his name is Joe, not mine.

RedheadDPT · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a hospital and wear scrubs. Scrubs have this lovely pockets on the front of the shirt to store everything in. When I'm in regular clothes I often find myself rubbing my stomach with various items. It's autopilot putting things into my scrub pockets.

lordochaos321 · 1 points · Posted at 02:49:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a coworker made a salad without lettuce, everything else. Just no lettuce.

im-a-smart-one · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked around for about 5 minutes looking for my phone. I happened to be on a call... On the very phone I was looking for. Very big "doh" moment.

TheToaster78 · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had just got home from swim practice, threw my wet swimsuit in the toilet. I felt like a complete dumbass. Note: went to hang it up in the bathroom

StateofWA · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a hotel and sometimes we get credit card authorization forms so that guests staying for work don't have to pay on their own dime.

One morning we had about 15 from one giant phone company, you've heard of them, and I was shredding a scrap piece of paper. Then suddenly I was shredding fifteen credit card authorizations... The good thing was that company cards are always well done and their authorizations are more confirmation than anything. It could have been really bad, though.

ruggster · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I normally drive a stick but was piloting my wife’s minivan on the way to church with the in laws in the back. On autopilot, I accelerated and attempted to switch gears by pushing on the clutch. Unfortunately, I slammed on the brakes. Fortunately my in laws were wearing seatbelts, otherwise not only would their coffees be in the front seat but they would have been as well. My father in law reminds me to this day when he’s in the vehicle that we’re driving an automatic. That was close to 20 years ago.

LunaMax1214 · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I run out of measuring cups, I tend to use stuff like coffee and tea mugs to do things like melt butter for the kids' waffles, melt chocolate chips for recipes, and the like.

One morning when my son was still a toddler, I put my coffee mug in the microwave, and picked up what turned out to be a mug of melted butter and took a big ole swig.

I brushed my teeth four times that day, and it STILL felt like it was coated in butter until the next morning.

GENITAL_MUTILATOR · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I scolded another persons kid at a Disney resort. We were in the high end gift shop with stuff for adults, purses, shoes, and we had finished a very long day of sight seeing. Kid was playing with some $300 shoes and I said “stop playing put those back!” Kid looked at me stunned, parents did too, I just apologized and backed away. The dad came up to me later and said his son really shouldn’t of been playing with the shoes but I just apologized again and said I was embarrassed for doing that.

Halbu803 · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning I woke up for school, looked at my phone without my glasses on so it was extra blurry. Thought the clock read "5:30am" which is when I'd normally be leaving. So I got up, got ready in a total of 10 minutes and was out the door. Half way to my bus stop, I checked the clock to see if I'd make it. The clock read "1:40am". I was very sad.

Steven8786 · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve thrown my dirty clothes down the toilet more times than I’d like to admit. The washing basket is in the bathroom

mustang__1 · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally flew past a vor and got yelled at by nyc app

Dioxycyclone · 1 points · Posted at 02:50:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to have to swipe my badge to get anywhere at this place I worked. One time I came in super tired and tried swiping my badge on the microwave a couple times before I realized that’s not how it opened.

TheMeat70 · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Start a shower with my socks on

Inkbyamanda · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tattoo Artist here. Had a client come in and get both of her kids names. When I don’t know the client very well I have a list of questions I ask to kind of break the ice. So I ask her ‘what are your kids names?’ She just stared at me as I turned bright red with embarrassment.

EolineOfSite · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
SleepingMonsta · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve gone downstairs, poured myself a drink, then went back upstairs with no drink. Happens a lot more than I’m proud to admit.

iantanchingco · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Most of the time, I say i love you to most people i talk to the phone. A habbit i do whenever i talk to my wife.

saareadaar · 1 points · Posted at 02:51:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tapped my metro card instead of my debit card when I was paying for something. It actually scanned it too (obviously the transaction was declined lmao). The cashier and I both laughed about it though and we're surprised it scanned at all

Charsharks · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While bartending I gave someone the bottle and almost put the shot glass in the bar rail.

pm_me_ur_CLEAN_anus · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gave out my social instead of my phone number.

xinareiaz · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am married and always give my wife a kiss when I say bye and leave. I was at my parents house for the first time in a couple years, and after talking to my dad I said bye and kissed him. I realized my mistake immediately and just left and I hope we never speak of it.

HiKevinBye · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was my first job and I was working register close to the holidays. I was really stressed out cause I wanted to do a good job but I also had very little to no training.

I was checking out this woman and her daughter at the register and by this time I’ve checked out so many people that it’s just a routine at this point. They started walking out the door with their bags and the girl called out “thanks have a nice day!” And I looked up, all derpy and I yelled back “did you find everything okay!?”

throwawaaywtf21342 · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to work and participated in using advanced statistics to manipulate overweight people into eating unhealthy because it made lots of money.

relevantusername- · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Sorry, I'm going to have to hang up - I can't find my phone!"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made lasagna and instead of a Noodle Sheet I put my phone in there

Mattyjroro · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove a lot of the way to Rochester, NY when I was trying to go to Morristown, NJ and starting in Albany.

XFiraga001 · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Set out a bowl, cracked an egg open, and emptied it back into the carton. Admittedly though I was pretty baked at the time..

itzrickbish420 · 1 points · Posted at 02:52:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a type one diabetic, I wear and insulin pump. I’m also incredibly clumsy and top out my pump sites all of the time making me have to prick myself with needles 😩

Mrred23 · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

May be too late to comment this, and also not exactly Auto Pilot, but the other night, my girlfriend woke me up to ask me to hand her the remote. The tv was on and I keep it on my side. According to her, I reached out and tried clicking it a few time to no avail. She asked me to hand her the remote, so I did, and... it was my glasses. She said "No, the remote." So I went back to sleep. She woke me again, and I reached over and gave her... her cell phone. She said, "No, the remote!" So then I finally did.

I barely remember any of it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my gap year I was waking up early for work every day of the week. I was also struggling to sleep, so I would use medication to do so.

One morning I ended up waking up in the shower. Hot water on, everything seemed normal. I just assumed I had spaced out.

I got out of the shower and couldn’t find my pyjamas, which was odd. I also couldn’t find my work clothes. So I went back to my bedroom where my pyjamas were. Looked at the clock and it was 2am in the morning... I had only gone to bed at 11pm.

I was freaked out that I had unconsciously undressed, walked down the hallway naked, turned on the bathroom lights, locked the door and got the water temperature just right.

All because I was in such a routine of doing that process every day mixed with sleeping pills.

Mlpaddict · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Returned from Japan. Went to a gas station. The clerk was explaining the rewards program. After everything he said, I nodded and said “Hai, Hai, Hai.”

SluttyNeighborGal · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk but I saw a guy walk into the trash can at the gym tonight and he wasn’t even looking at his phone

jimson69 · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw a bunch of coins directly in my friends.

lizardragonn · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is really weird but I lost my debit card once. It had been missing for months and I had looked everywhere for it, but eventually I just kinda accepted it was gone.

Then one day I zoned out really hard after I finished parking my car after getting back from my boyfriend's house, I look down at my hand and I'M HOLDING MY DEBIT CARD. So somehow my auto pilot self found it in my car and I'm still dumbfounded to this day.

lhturbo · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just did this tonight, I emptied the dish washer before dinner, put 1 dirty glass in it and put soap in and ran it. Took me 20 minutes to realize I just wasted an entire soap packet... damnit

thecowgoesshazoo · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock the front door with my car keys. My roommate wouldn’t let me live it down...

smaugington · 2 points · Posted at 03:04:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was drunk after a stag and doe walking home and repeatedly tried to text with my keys. I kept putting my keys back into my pocket, rummage around and then pull them back out tried to flip the phone open and text.

My brain kept getting a sensation of knots and after a few mins of walking and doing this I gave up.

The next morning I had to bike across town to the hall where the stagndoe was and found my phone sitting on the sidewalk.

foxykittenn · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the beach playing fetch with my dog after smoking a joint. Threw my phone into the ocean instead of the ball. ‘Twas a hard day.

Aardonyx9 · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made a fancy bowl of ramen then proceeded to strain out all the broth like it was just some normal pasta

reikkunwwww · 1 points · Posted at 02:53:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was alone because I was getting ready to shower but I stepped inside and turned on the water while I was still fully clothed.

Another is putting my clean underwear into the toilet. I stood there thinking I need to maybe not work that many hours that week.

MinnyRawks · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Somebody dropped off their dirty dishes and I said “Thanks, enjoy!”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Target, one day I served and older man and when I finished I meant to say "Enjoy the rest of your day." But instead said "Enjoy the rest of your days." He turned and laughed but I did nit mean for it to sound as sinister as it did.

himisscas · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so tired one morning that I rinsed my toothbrush, pumped hand soap on the brush and proceeded to brush my teeth with soap. Such a nasty, bitter taste, but took me an embarrassingly long time to realize what I'd done. I initially thought the toothpaste "expired" lol.

kanyes_toothbrush · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh the classic when you think to yourself the car "volume" is too loud so you turn down the radio knob but then remember it's loud because the window is open

jesschillin · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I walked into Whole Foods, went to counter to purchase 4 le croixs, and then started to walk away without having paid. The lady was like what are you doing? I had my headphones on low which didn’t help.

speedchaser17 · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to change the game cd on xbox: grabs the box containing the game i intend to play; eject game; snap out of autopilot and wonder "why is this cd out?"; insert the game i just ejected back in; ... ; wtf

stillhasmuchness · 1 points · Posted at 02:54:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cereal in the frig and the milk on top of the frig (where we store the cereal)

hnycrsp · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured milk in the water reservoir in the coffee maker. I was talking and pouring away without a care in the world...

TimMarkel · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher mom or accidentally told my supervisor I love him while ending a call

JanDiPyo · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were leaving the beach and getting into the car and I take my slippers off and leave them outside on the pavement.

dancarbonell00 · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked, for the 6th time, if the customer would like a receipt.

Unseen_but_heardYYES · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once told a girl I loved her when I didnt 😬😬😬

marvelous_beard · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife will put her hand or face against my cheek and I instinctively turn to kiss her. We were at the park together one day and I lean against a post, but when I laid my face against it I casually turned and kissed the post right there in front of her. It took a second to register but we had a good laugh when I realized what actually happened.

ImranHD · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came back home after a 12 hour flight and I was pretty wasted. I thought it was a good idea to straight play games on my pc. Dumbass me thought mixing redbull and milk was a good idea to give me energy. Then I passed out face first on my keyboard until the next day. Woke up and found I wrote a thousand word gibberish essay on discord.

r0ytard · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushed my teeth and spit out the tooth paste in the trash next to the sink.

Nubrication · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was looking for my glasses (my vision isn’t too bad so I always take them off when I don’t need to see distance) and checked all of my pockets and my bag all whilst my buddies were just smirking. Turns out I was wearing them.

morallycorruptgirl · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work I think it was about 3pm on a Friday & the place was busy AF people picking up their cars before the weekend. I was walking out of the showroom & out of habit/reflex I switched off the lights as I exited & left everyone working & all of the customers in the dark.

nicanor5 · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kept playing the cello during Pachelbel's Canon in D, in front of an audience. Just zoned out to the music of the other violins and Viola (we were a quarter) and when I realized the other musicians were looking at me waiting for me to finish.

IsMyUsernameIsGood · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It happened a few years back when I was grinding Skyrim a lot during my holidays. I woke up at night and went to drink some milk from the fridge. The carton box fell out of my weak sleepy fingers. And for a second I thought it would be okay cuz I could simply reload a previous save and it's like the milk never spilled. I took a break playing video games after that.

Darkshadow951 · 1 points · Posted at 02:56:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Around 07-08ish I was watching tv but wanted to change the channel so I started looking for the remote till commercials started playing and for whatever reason I didn’t like this particular ad so I instinctively switched stations with the remote that was already in hand....and then proceeded to continue looking for it!!!!! I smh every time I remember

Linkums · 1 points · Posted at 02:56:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took Ambien and didn't immediately go to bed because a female online friend from a dating site messaged me. I proceeded to chat for 40 minutes without remembering any of it. Turns out I told her the same lame pun I saw on Reddit three times in the chat, which I found out after telling it again the next night.

screamline82 · 1 points · Posted at 02:56:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just a few hours ago I was washing a cup in the sink while talking to a coworker and dumped the water into the trash can. Took me about 20 seconds before I realized what I had done.

desi_madu_ballr · 1 points · Posted at 02:56:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but I read a greentext on this. A dude asked the cashier to write her phone number on the receipt, then, on the way out, crumpled the receipt up and threw it in the bin.

brandon08967 · 1 points · Posted at 02:56:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up in the middle of the night and I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the laundry room and started peeing in a laundry basket. My mom walked in and asked what I was doing and I told her that I didn’t want to wake up my sister.

OBtriceKenOB · 1 points · Posted at 02:56:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today. First day on the job. Cracked an egg on the rim of the trash bin and dumped the egg directly into the garbage. I proceeded to step over to the grill to cook my egg shell. A coworker watched me do this.

peanutroxs · 1 points · Posted at 02:57:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bell boy showed us the hotel room, and as he was about to leave, he said "and have a pleasant stay". Then I said "You too"

raventattoo · 1 points · Posted at 02:57:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Super embarrassing, but I was just a kid and always kissed my parents goodnight before bed. I guess I was really tired, went to tell everyone goodnight, I kissed my parents and then turned to kiss my brother too...

LordMasterDonut · 1 points · Posted at 02:57:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve worked in the tourism photographer industry for a long time, and most of the attractions my company partners with caters to larger groups. No matter the size of the groups or gender proportions, I always refer to everyone as “guys” and always in the plural.

It’s only ever awkward when you woman by herself calls you out and a lengthy explanation is awkwardly done.

I’ve since moved to another attraction with the same company but still auto pilot my greet with “Hi folks, welcome to the World Famous San Diego Zoo!”

I don’t live anywhere near San Diego now.

3ViceAndreas · 1 points · Posted at 02:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I thanked a female waitress with "Thanks, Bro!!"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:57:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Staying a super long weekend (4 days) with my then gf and her parents visiting at their house... I work graveyard shift and I was getting up early with everyone else and we exhausted the entire time. I'm "easily excited" when I'm tired.

Anyways... Coming back into the house from having morning coffee on the deck and following my ex inside... She took her shoes off right in front of me, semi blocking the glass doors and me being half asleep in the morning... And always a damned fool... I put my hands on her hips for only two seconds and stood behind her. Just standing. But it was too close and with my hands on my ex in a totally inappropriate setting in front of the two people you NEVER want to do anything in front of... While they were making breakfast for everyone. And got a little excited but not a lot as soon as I realized what I'd done. I hope it wasn't noticed, but I'll never know. And I was wearing grey sweat pants too. I'm a moron.

I can think of all the excuses I want, like we had a very physical relationship and I was really tired... But that doesn't make a difference to her mom and step dad. They didn't like me after that mistake. And it really bothered my ex that I embarrassed her and made a total ass out myself. And it bothered me too. A lot.

We broke up two years later. Unrelated to this, but this is the type of two seconds of idiocy that lasts forever and I still cringe thinking of it and the looks they all gave me.

Goddamnit.

Missyplantlady · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my hands down my pants to scratch an itch

pmmewienerdogs · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in the shower with my socks on.

chase4652202 · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure I'm not alone in trying to enlarge printed photos and text with finger swiping . . . it doesn't work. I'd also bet many of us have stood in front of a traditionally-keyed door and wondered why the car remote doesn't open it.

My new car is a keyless start/stop and handle-touch lock. The engine is also very quiet and twice I've unintentionally left it running and unlocked for up to a half hour in a store parking lot.

Kastelleon · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed in the garbage as a kid... I realized what i was doing halfway through, but couldn't stop as Id piss myself.....

caffeine_bos · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I'm eating Smarties, or something, if I have change in my other hand I'll occasionally try to eat that instead.

OrdinaryTalk · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think it’s unusual that you would have change in a hand while eating smarties.

heather_chalaie · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my dad. Super embarrassing and demeaning.

He owns a framing company and usually hires latino workers. When I was about 7 or so I pointed out to him that whenever he was really angry or getting "authoritative" with me hes fake a Mexican accent, as if I would understand better. I had heard him do it with his employees as well.

He quit quite quickly after that, and still brings it up sometimes. I'd like to think 7 yo me helped his employees a lot that night.

He loved and loves his employees, but it was such a rude thing to do looking back.

swede_dreams · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at an inbound call centre and when I've called out to clients and when they've answered, greeted them with:

"Thank you for calling company x! My name is Swede_dreams; how may I help you?"

PlaguePaladin · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up one night barely conscious, I walk up to the kitchen trashcan and try my hardest to pee in it. Dad, fortunately still awake, asks "What are you doing?"

I reply "Lifting up the chassis."

He tells me to go to the bathroom if I need to. I go in, stand still for a few minutes and come out without having peed. Dad sends me to sleep and I pass out on my bed in the end.

severianSaint · 1 points · Posted at 02:58:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was watching a big NFL game. Everyone had left except me and my wife's little sister. Crazy last minute sleuth win (over the Dallas Cowpies, which made it even better) and my drunk ass was jumping up and down in excitement. Then she was. I was so excited I gave her a big kiss. Then awkward silence. She's actually a really good friend and was also pretty toasted and I'm not sure beyond that how it happened. Neither of us has said anything to anyone (other than y'all) and this was 6 or 7 years ago.

Jonorok · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually wink at my wife a few times a day for no good reason. Sometimes after a joke, sometimes out of the blue. Went to a deli recently with my wife and I winked at the cashier as I handed her the cash.

The cashier didn't see because she was looking at the handoff, my wife was looking elsewhere. I'm the only one who noticed I accidentally flirted, but I went beet red pretty quick, which my wife then asked me about.

Strife14 · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flew through the Jita-Nullsec gatecamp

birb-brain · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive to school everyday, so after classes I normally drive home. Whenever I stay after it gets dark, I get my boyfriend to walk me to my car and then I’d stop by and drop him off at his dorm since our campus is in a really unsafe area. I guess one day I was just so tired, we both got in the car, and I drove about halfway home before we both noticed he was still in my car.

CranberryMoonwalk · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up when I was 16, thinking it was time to get up early and take a shower for work.

I got in the shower. My mom came pounding on the door.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking a shower!"

"It's 2 o'clock in the morning!"

"..."

I never checked the time, just figured it was time. I got out of the shower and went back to bed.

OnlyYony · 1 points · Posted at 02:59:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went into the bathroom to take a shower holding fresh clothes. Immediately threw clothes into open toilet.

Serious_Up · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving to work and had the oh shit moment when I realized I left my phone at home. Reached into my pocket so that I could call my wife to tell her to bring it to work.

PoolsOnFire · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eating dinner. Reach for ketchup bottle because I'm thirsty

blakcherry · 1 points · Posted at 03:00:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk on the shelf, cereal in the fridge and was confused later when looking for the milk.

boit0 · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally suck on the spoon instead of the straw in my frosties all the time

SoulWager · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

poured the orange juice in my cereal instead of the glass. 0/10

emilxmf · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to the Starbucks next door on a break from work and took my laptop. Had a coffee and a croissant. When I left I took the plate from the croissant along with my computer. I only realized as I was going through the door of my office building. I stood awkwardly outside for like 3 minutes hiding the plate until I gathered enough courage to walk back to Starbucks and dump the plate. I like to think no-one noticed.

peeves_the_cat · 1 points · Posted at 03:01:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hugged my boss at my first real internship. He was opening a door for me and did a weird arm flourish and my half asleep brain reached out and side hugged him. When it was time to apply for permanent positions, I refused to even consider applying there. The shame was too great, and I couldn’t explain my reasoning to my mother either so I just told her that the office didn’t suit me. Ugh. I still cringe. Luckily now I have a boos that does shits with me at the company Holiday Party.

Dmdnje · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a cereal box in the freezer.

lxiaoqi · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

peed in a trash can and thrown used tea bag into toilet.

Mateipowers · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called the teacher dad

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not really sure if this counts as auto pilot, but when I was transferred to a bigger hospital from my small town hospital for a surgery they gave me some feel good drugs to ease my pain. When the PA, a fairly attractive young woman, came in and started explaining everything to me about the upcoming surgery I nonchalantly reached into my shorts and started scratching myself just like I was at home. That was awkward for me, her, and my poor wife that was sitting with me.

teamguy89 · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dug in my ass.

rikaay · 1 points · Posted at 03:02:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a match in my mouth and struck the cigarette on the box.

Chef_Kubano · 1 points · Posted at 03:04:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a shower early in the morning and I was going to put my clothes in the laundry bin and instead threw it into a garbage can

SeptimiusSeverus_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:04:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my parents house there’s a bathroom in our kitchen and right outside it is the trash can. During a late night video game sesh, I went to the kitchen and pissed into the trash can.

Edit: grammar

1inakrillion · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That’s what she said jokes at church.

CaptainJellyfish7867 · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Legend says that u/ItsaHelen responds to every comment

MasterofSexPuppets · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put oj, strawberries, oats, yogurt, peanut butter, and whey into a blender. Mixed it all up nice. Got out a cup. Started water in the sink to clean everything. Then dumped the whole smoothie down the drain.

Walker2012 · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a party I grabbed my ex-wife’s ass while was standing next to her. We had been apart for 5 years at that point. It was something I always did when we were together.

DeusEverto · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other morning I walked into my roommates room thinking it was the bathroom. I wasn't even tired or anything.

baselganglia · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done this a few times as a kid...

Sharpened the pencil, dropped the sharpener in the trash, started walking back with the shavings in my hand...

wlkngmachine · 1 points · Posted at 03:05:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Frantically looking for my keys or phone and then realizing they’re in my hand. Also looking for the TV remote and realizing I put it in the fridge when I was getting a snack.

ARfox19 · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put milk in the cupboard and my bowl of cereal in the fridge

emfitch00 · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a kids party place for like 2 years, called the girls "princess". Can't count the amount of times I've called my friends "princess" in a high pitched voice

Chick22694 · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up one night when i was like 13 and had to go to the bathroom.. proceeded to walk past the bathroom and ended up in the kitchen.. right into the garbage.. woke up to my dad dropping a shit ton of F bombs

Waffleman75 · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got up and looked at the clock and i was a hour late for class got dressed, ate a poptart and left. I'm going 80 down the freeway when i start to notice"hey there's not many cars on the road today, huh that's odd" It hits me the second I pull into the parking lot. and thought to myself "you idiot it's saturday" so i left campus and got a burger and a joint on my way home

hairytripps · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today at chipotle I poured half a beer out on my burrito thinking it was hot sauce..

The_Perfect_Dick_Pic · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me: “Hey, how are you?”

Them: “Great, how are you?”

Me: “Good, how are you?”

All. The. Time.

loserpanda · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Retail asking somebody if they need a fitting room three times when they already said they were just waiting.

orangeavocados · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cooked a medium rare steak perfectly right beside a burger. Plated the burger Patty and sent it out. Or so I thought. Ended up ruining the perfect steak by getting mayo all over it... the bosses friend was NOT amused.

rhughzie17 · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came to a complete stop at a green light during rush hour on a busy road near me. Sat there for probably 10 seconds while people were honking at me and me wondering why lol

huexolotl · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes pinch my nipples in public. I like to do it really hard, and my hand sometimes wanders there. Luckily no one has seen me do it, or at least they are too polite to point out that they've seen it.

blazehotshot02 · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually make coffee in the morning and sometimes, tea at night. One night instead of making tea, I made coffee and didn’t notice until I took a sip of it. I threw away my coffee and didn’t bother making tea and went to bed.

not_my_realname · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was around the time the first Spiderman movie with Toby Maguire came around. I was 14 and believed that I could will myself into shooting webs out of my hands by scrunching my face super hard in concentration.

It was all fine until auto pilot made me do my closet shenanigans outside school as I waited for my mom to pick me up. Only that the parking lot was not nearly as deserted as I thought it was. And I entered class next day to the sounds of the entire class singing “Spiderman, Spiderman. There’s our parking lot Spiderman.”

emzyme212 · 1 points · Posted at 03:06:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Burned myself out one week working at McDonalds. Started answering all my phone calls with "hi welcome to McDonalds, how can I help you?

Imnotmyself125 · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a very unexpected bad medical diagnosis that meant I would soon be paralyzed, not ALS, but close. I got in the elevator to leave and I just stood there, not pressing buttons. I rode that elevator for at least 15 minutes before I realized where I was. The doc turned out to be a quack, I had problems, but nothing nearly as bad as he told me.

Huge_Earlobe · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to keep a different persona at work. Out side of work I’m loud and swear a lot. But at work,I’m cool, and calm. One day my manager had said something that I was doing wrong just to joke with me and without skipping I said “Yeah well you can suck my ass.” And everyone stopped and stared at me. It was awfully embarrassing.

Morrrrrr · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured dirt into a funnel instead of a beaker. It got all over the lab bench.

hearke · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex and I were working on a physics lab. Somehow, I'd managed to knock out a ground cable without realizing. I didn't know this, I just thought there was a slight warmness emanating from our circuit.

So I wave my hand over it until I think I find a resistor that might be overheating.

"I think this resistor is really hot. Let me check."

poke with right index finger

"Ow!"

poke with left index finger to make sure

"Ow!"

So she turns to me and sees me with both index fingers in my mouth going "owwwww."

Her: "What is wrong with you?"

Me: "I WASN'T SURE"

(this was before we started dating, believe it or not)

Joshivity · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a friend of mine back in high school food-tech.

We were making freshly squeezed OJ and my friend didn’t like pulp in his. So he grabs the strainer, grabs his OJ, makes his way over to the sink and strains his OJ from the pulp.

Right down the sink.

justaxis · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my dirty cup in the fridge and poured out a good amount of milk down the drain before I realized what I was doing.

CatzAgainstHumanity · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in a car with all adults and yelled Pdiddle (Pah-did-el) and jabbed the person next to me in the ribs. It is my default when in a car at night tired as hell and being in the backseat. (Pdiddle game is kind of like screaming slug bug and punching the person who didn't say it first when you see a Volkswagon Bug.) What is a Pdiddle pray tell? A car with only one headlight working. Playing this game is fine when your eight years old and the person you jab is your sibling. New people, you are going out to dinner with for the first time not so much.

Thatdamnalex · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will get buried but I was walking in between cars on my way into the grocery store. As I’m walking up to the curb an elderly gentleman has his hand out like he wants to shake my hand. So I reach out and grab it and shake it. He was thrown off because his elderly wife was behind me and he had his hand out to help her up the curb.

casasanity · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a coworker. We worked in an extremely busy reservations office in Waikiki. There was always a line on hold. My coworker finished one call and immediately picked up the next and said "Thank you for waiting, may I hold you now?".

varunman1995 · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uber Driver : all the best for your exam Me : you too !

sadwell · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was baking Christmas cookies recently and while I was icing them I stuck my knife in my wine instead of the icing

banannett · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After working in a fast food restaurant for 3 years got a job at the Liquor Store. Asked a customer buying vodka if it was for here or to go. He just answered to go & left. Noticed after

elizacarlin · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving home from a gig and somehow lost track of about 4 miles of the drive. And no, I hadn't been drinking, I was just insanely tired.

kirakina · 1 points · Posted at 03:07:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would zone out not noticing what I was staring at and it would inevitably be a crotch....

radicalthumbs · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a bowl out of the cabinet for cereal and sat it down by the box. I then picked up the box of cereal and a cup of water that was nearby... I proceeded to pour cereal into the cup of water. Half way full I realized what I was doing and just shook my head glad my kids didn't see that happen.

AbbyRogue · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was feeding my cat soft food, and I got a little bit of it on my finger and I licked it off.

It tastes just like it smells.

havereddit · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wife's water broke 5 weeks premature while we were at a restaurant (RIP that chair)... headed to the hospital at 9pm but this was not going to be a quick one so we both retired to a room (1 bed for Mum and a bunch of chairs for me). At about 1 am, Dad-to-be puts three standard chairs in a row and then lays down, trying to get a bit of sleep in between episodic screaming and questions like "when will the doctor give me an epidural"?. Each chair in the room had a nice ergonomic 'wave' going on (molded to a typical person's bum...for comfort), so three of those lined up was like trying to sleep on a bed of driftwood. Every 30-45 minutes a nurse would come in, do a monitoring-and-then-ask-a-bunch-of-standard-but-soon-redundant-questions-thing, then would disappear for another 30-45 minutes before doing it all again. I'm not complaining one iota given the holy-mother-of-god suffering that was going on beside me (until the epidural kicked in at about 4:30am...note to pregnant type women - get the epidural!). Daughter finally makes her way into the world by about 8:30am, and then there's a blur of activity as daughter and Mum (and of course, me) get whisked upstairs to the preemie nursery and a private room where daughter, courtesy of her low bilirubin and 5 weeks early emergence, gets to laze about in a nice warm artificial beach environment. Mum finally gets a chance to sleep, and Dad sits there shell-shocked thinking "OK, I'm now the only one who can actually respond to the nurse's questions, make decisions, etc, so I better stay up. Dad stays up all day as daughter soaks up the artificial beach sun, and Mum trys a sleeping recovery to birth-trauma. By about 8pm (roughly 36 hours after Dad has had real sleep), Mum wakes up and is coherent enough to allow Dad to head down to that wondrous restaurant known as the "hospital cafeteria". In a daze, Dad walks through, finally selecting something that he hazily remembers as something like "fries and gravy, a garden salad, and a peach". He brings the food back up to the room, eats, and then 10 minutes after finishing looks down and realizes that he still has the $20 bill that he was clutching as he went down to the cafeteria.

In summary: I was so sleep deprived from my daughter's birth I did a "dine-and-dash" at the hospital cafeteria.

Newvandam182 · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week I went to the Dentist a day early. I knew it was strange that my calendar didn't alert me 😂

ogjenkins · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fucked the best friend of a girl I was talking to cause she didn't wanna come out to the bars

Thelife1313 · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got drunk with a buddy one time. We woke up to my sister yelling at us because someone had taken three sweet potatoes from the bottom of the fridge, took a bite out of each one, and placed them on each shelf. As if that person was trying to find a cooked sweet potato but couldn't find one.

Everyone but me agreed that it was probably me. I'm ridiculous like that.

SealSellsSeeShells · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to pump liquid soap onto my toothbrush. I repeat this on a regular basis.

SpicyComment · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the sugar in the freezer. Then I open the freezer say to my self who the fuck put this here....

UnderwaterFiring · 1 points · Posted at 03:08:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up an entire hour early before I had to for school and walked all the way to bus stop before realizing what an idiot I was

interdisciplinary_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to work one day after a dr appt, took the bus home.

Didn't even realize it until the next day. Which was a Saturday, when the buses don't really run.

gannajoyj · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid, I always had a habit of forgetting to take my socks off when I got in the shower/bathtub. It became such an issue that my mom had to leave notes in the bathroom reminding me to take my socks off. One night a few weeks ago, after getting back from a trip at around 2am, I got in the shower and left my socks on. Gave me a good laugh and some wholesome flashbacks.

jalans17 · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking on my iPhone and literally telling the other person that I am looking for my phone. Neither of us realized.

smittysarus · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I picked up the tip jar by a checkout counter when I turned to leave. It was in one of their to-go cups with "tips" written across it. Yup, I got halfway to the door before I realized.

ahleehah · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once searched for my glasses for an embarrassing amount of time before realizing I was wearing contacts and I wasn’t even at home.

Jackaloaf · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister once paid for an item at Ross and just walked out of the store.

Not really something funny or weird that happened to me just something my goofshit of a sister did.

Pandanin35 · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Walmart about 7 years ago. One of my duties their was to answer the phone and transfer people to the correct department. I now work at Starbucks, and when I answered the phone the other day, I said, "Thank you for calling (town 200 miles away) Walmart. How may I help you?"

Also, I always park in the same place at work. Sometimes, I work a slightly different shift and have to park somewhere else. When I leave for the day, I walk all the way to my usual spot and try to unlock the car a few times before I realize it's not my car.

epicdepartment · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I regularly attempt to put boxes of cereal in the fridge along with washing up, hot cups of coffee and sugar; rarely do I attempt to put the milk back though. Suffice it to say I'm not a morning person.

Sirius_Bizniss · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got home from work, walked in the door, and put my wallet in the fridge. Long day.

Eliyrian · 1 points · Posted at 03:09:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had just gotten off of a 12 hour shift at my retail job and was shopping around when someone looked lost so I went up to him (out of uniform, in a coat and earmuffs and everything) and full retail voice asked “is there anything I can help you find today?” Poor dude looked so confused

heckhammer · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I woke up in a panic thinking I had overslept for school so I ran downstairs, took a shower and flew out the door telling my grandmother I was late for school.

About halfway to school I realized for the traffic is really really light. I turned on the radio expecting to hear Howard Stern and got music instead. I looked at the clock it was still only 10 minutes to 10 and then I realized it was bloody Saturday.

hooraloora · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was out shopping and couldn't find my phone (multiple pockets in my coat and several bags) so as you do when you lose your phone, you ring it. So I rang my mom and asked her to call my phone, so she tried to call my phone off the land-line, and informed me the line was busy. So we then realised not only am I a moron, I obviously inherited it. Then I hung up.

aBnOiOmKeS · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I deliver pizza. I was walking up to a house one day and about time they opened the door I realized I didn’t put the pizza in the hot bag. So I had to tell them and go back and get it.

shrekerecker97 · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a struggling small business owner when I first started out it was me and another guy trying to set up our own shop. Well we grew way faster than we had anticipated and I would end up working my day job 8-5 and then working other stuff on nights and weekends- till we had so much business that I would get off of one job and go to the other and then just work till about 3 or 4 in the morning.

I would go into a nearby coffee shop and get coffee before heading to my day job. One time I tried paying with my car keys. Another time I told them I wanted hot spaghetti with milk. One time I went to the mall and lost my car in the parking lot. One time I got a call to come pick up a friend, and drop her off at work. First I went to friends work, then wondered where she was. I was supoosed to go to her house and pick her up. I ended up dozing off behind the wheel while waiting for her to “come out of work “ so that point I made it so that I would get at least 6 hours of sleep between jobs. Now I work 12 hours days which isn’t all so bad bcz I actually like what I do :)

BigBlue923 · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was traveling for years in and out of Chicago's O'hare airport. Every once in a great while I would take my car and park. But most often I took a cab. Got home one night, wasn't until the next morning did I realize my car was "missing".

MattSilverwolf · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just yeaterday my mom was about to pour apple juice in her coffee instead of milk. She would have done it too if I didn't call her out in time.

meppity · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dunked my brushes in my freshly brewed tea. Sometimes it’s the other way round and I sip my paint water - very salty.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So back in like 6th grade I accidentally fell asleep in my parents room one night and my mom woke me up at like 12 am to go to my bed, I instinctually just hopped in the shower thinking it was in the morning until my mom knocked on my bathroom asking why I was showering at midnight.

stealerofsweetcakes · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to take off my coat at work yesterday and realized that in my auto-pilot daze I hadn’t put a shirt on that morning.

bamaweed · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hit my Juul in front of my parents. Blew a fat cloud right in front of them. It was completely muscle memory and they are very against anything related to smoking or vaping. They weren’t so pleased

maryvarn · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have pulled out my subway card to unlock my apartment and pulled out my keys to swipe into the subway.

Beekerboogirl · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put regular dish soap in the dishwasher when my first kid was a newborn and I was a zombie. Holy shit I've never seen so many fucking bubbles. Literally my entire kitchen. I cried at the time but it's pretty funny now.

dammitarlene · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After another long work day, I was enjoying a glass of vodka & cranberry juice, & was in the process of feeding my fish their usual. I defrost frozen bloodworms in a glass half filled with fish tank water. I took a swig of the bloodworms & tank water, when I was not paying attention which glass was which. Not pleasant.

deskfan720 · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slept 18 hours the day before the first day of uni, so that day I said fuck it at about 11:30, drank 2 liters of coffee, and didn't sleep a blink.

Went through with my first day of classes, and had class the next day and thought I'd sleep the afternoon and night away, which I sorta did.

I would leave at 8 am, so when I wake up in a cold sweat at what I thought was 8:30 AM, I instinctively picked up my bag and left.

It was 10 minutes into the bus ride before I realized that I had woken up at 8:30 pm not am, given that it was late August, my mind thought the brightness from the sun was appropriate for both times of day.

Mouler · 2 points · Posted at 06:00:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

6am/6pm in the winter... Getting home passing out on the couch for ~15 minutes and waking up in a panic trying to get to work "on time"

I even called in sick once. "I'm not going to make it in today" "uh, you mean Monday?". It was about 6pm, the day before a holiday weekend.

deskfan720 · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Same basically 😂

beefstick86 · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard.

Bonelesszeeebra · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled on the skin of my eye for a solid minute before I realized I'd already taken out the contact lense in that eye

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worst auto pilot was putting diesel in my dad's gas burning truck. My brain was like "this is a huge truck like our diesel pull truck so diesel it is!". Wasn't until my dad got out of the house (happened at our farm) and waved his hands frantically that I realized my mistake. Over half a tank filled on it. :(

W_ORhymeorReason · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Twas near Christmas time in elementary school back in the ancient year of 2009. Completely on autopilot, I asked this girl if she had put up her Christmas tree. She was Jewish. Not only that, she was one of only 2 Jewish people in the entire school. It was awkward to say the least.

Azure_Dauragon · 1 points · Posted at 03:10:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at Burger King, just over a year of doing almost exclusively a 1pm-10pm schedule.

Getting close to end of my term (I had asked to leave and get less weekly hours) my schedules start changing to things like 12/1pm until 4-5pm

One day I'm doing one of these shorter shifts, 4pm comes, I finish doing some tasks, start saying my farewells for the day, prep my meal for takeaway, get into my regular clothing, say final goodbyes of the day.

Take train home (1hour trip), get home feeling pretty tired, get in comfy mode and hit the Web.

40 mins later, manager calls asking where I was because I was doing a 1-10pm shift that day and had basically bailed midway trough the shift and no one noticed as well until it was time to start preping the might shift

Had to get back into work mode and compensate missing hours that day after another 1hour train ride.

FNA22 · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spit on the carpet next to my bed

TheFeesher · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I haven’t yet, but I get so close to randomly grabbing my friends asses, like I do to mess with her.

Cmdrpopnfresh · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the phone with a friend when I heard a lot of rustling on his end. I asked him what he was doing and he said " I cant find my damn cell phone! I've looked everywhere!". I just waited silently until he finally said "Oh. Shut Up."

Mykennel · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk back in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge.

MikalCaober · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid, I once woke up in the middle of the night to go to the washroom. I ended up going into the kitchen instead and opening the fridge door. Fortunately, my parents were awake and caught me in time before I could pee into the fridge.

KancerKatZ · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've called my boss "dad" way too many times ... never not awkward

fulldiapey25 · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My time to shine! I was doing a job shadow for some it/computer analyst department.

Part of the gruntwork was to take apart computers, pull the ram out and motherboard etc.

I'm not sure how or why but after hours of doing this, opening the computer case, removing all the parts into seperate piles then rinse and repeat i decided i needed to go to the restroom.

I walked up to the sink unzipped my pants and started peeing. I only realized that i was peeing in a sink watching myself in the mirror when i was about 3 quarters through finishing.

This scared the living hell out of me.

Tntguy22 · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used my car remote to “unlock” my fridge. Only Bc the car’s horn honked did I even realize what I did.

Argonian101 · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the kitchen, then grabbed a pretzel. While walking out of the kitchen, I proceeded to bite into it, and then stick it in my ear.

BroffaloSoldier · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushing my teeth at night.

Tossed my foamy toothbrush hard into the sink and spat on the floor.

Why?

MaximumTurkeyFlaps · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the super-nerdy hobby I enjoy those who have earned Knighthood wear white belts. In my daily life I work as a middle school teacher. A while back I bowed to a 6th Grader who was wearing a white belt to hold up his jeans.

Tirfing88 · 1 points · Posted at 03:11:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I follow r/cosplaygirls, one day I was browsing the front page with my GF and then I just opened a photo from there, completely in autopilot. It was a kinky Velma cosplay (Scooby Doo), took me way too long to realize what I just did. Girlfriend didn't say anything but I knew she was pissed.

Big-Mert · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once completely forgot to put away the gas pump after I finished filling up my car late one night. I drove off and ripped the hose off the pump.

Worst part about it was that the gas station manager was helping a single mom and her kids at the pump next to me and I looked like a complete moron...

IAmbienAWeirdo · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my belt off and unzipped my pants at airport security

TangledPellicles · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time. I'm cleaning and chopping vegetables to throw into a pan to cook and I throw in the peel and stem and start to throw out the good part, then I realize what I did yet again.

MaybeImTheNanny · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once in college while running a fever, I went to use the communal locked restroom. Used my keys to open the restroom door, hung my keys on the hook, did my business and then decided I needed to blow my nose after pulling my pants up but before flushing. Grab some TP, blow nose, grab keys with the other hand. Apparently, based on the fact that I couldn’t find my keys to get into my room and they were no longer in the restroom, I tossed my keys in and flushed instead of tossing the tissue in. That was an adventure to explain to the maintenance department.

ThomasJergel · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going to microwave a meal for my girlfriend and me.

Put the first dish in, started it and waited. When it was finished, I took it out only to realize it was as cold as the other dish I had placed in front of the microwave...

"WTF, This is still icy cold, I really hope the microwave isn't falling on us!", I exclaimed just as I realized a few seconds too late that I hadn't actually opened the microwave and taken the first dish out...

Swooper86 · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Just earlier tonight, I took some milk out of the fridge. Two cartons because one was nearly empty. Open the nearly empty one, pour the remaining half a glass, throw the cap in the trash and rinse the carton. Open the full one, throw the cap in the trash and pour the rest of the glass.

Felt real dumb right about when I wanted to close the carton again.

Edit: Also, I started working in retail three weeks ago. I haven't done it yet, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before I say "Can I help you?" to a friend/family member/complete stranger in a non-work situation/my cat.

JancariusSeiryujinn · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day, I got some milk out to pour a glass. Then, when I went to put it back, instead of walking back to the fridge (approx 3 feet away), I walked to the other side of the house and threw the whole gallon in the laundry bin, turned around and went "wait..."

Hufflepuff77 · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

cracked an egg into the sink

Barashkukor_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up, drowsilly stumbled into the living room. Grabbed a coffee cup and put it in the fridge, opened the trashcan, whipped it out and was about to pee when my sister yelled "gross! What are you doing!" Which was the moment my brain actually started working properly...

Morning and me don't get along...

lotexor · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

while talking to my boss in a weekly 1 on 1 meeting, i accidentally air quoted the words "sick day" when referring to a day I had taken off earlier in that week. oops!

lotophage77 · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a BBQ and had sausage sandwich in my hand. I went to reach for the tomato sauce and instead picked up a bottle of beer next to it and poured it all over my sandwich.

MisterWoodhouse · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving my brother's friend home. Ended up driving to my high school instead.

Quaperray · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked halfway to the bus stop without shoes on..

In my only defence, it was at 5am and i was working the night shift for a month prior.

theSparkyJB · 1 points · Posted at 03:12:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was texting my wife on and off while at work. My dad texted me, and I just assumed it was my wife. Without reading what he sent, I texted back "ooooo baby me want the booty".

He texted back and said that if I wanted his booty, I'd have to ask nicely.

SixCatsInAnAlley · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went into my cousin’s room and saw an open can of coke so I drank it but then instantly spit it out realizing that it was filled with cigarette ash

DankeBrutus · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This just happened to me on Monday.

I grabbed some sushi, walked to the building where my class was, and the door was locked. I think “okay, weird”, flash my student card at the sensor by the door and it doesn’t unlock. Then I remembered that it was the day of my final, and of course we weren’t having it in the regular classroom. I had the time and room number of the final on my calendar, but I usually grab sushi before that class and I was being dumb.

pandasweater · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol my brother constantly calls everyone in our family “honey” when he gets off the phone, which is how he usually addresses his wife. It usually goes “ok, thanks hone... uh thanks.” My dad especially gets a kick out of it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After me and a few friends finished with our finals, we went to the cafeteria to discuss it. Before I left, I closed down one of my friends’ laptop as if it were mine and I was just packing up.

Hilarity ensued.

CechYourself · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to heat up some food in the microwave and typed in my bank pin

PracticalSpinach · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

‘Locked’ my front on the way to my car with my car keys.

Kabukiprincess · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was late at night and I heard a notification from my phone. I proceed to use my phones flashlight to look for it for 30 minutes, give up and plug in my phone and turn off the flashlight, lay down, and then realize what just happened.

megust654 · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I unwrap this burger and i fucking throw the burger to the trash and try eating the wrapper for 2 seconds until I realized what I've done.

mippi_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

was inside my house and needed to go to the store we have on the front, so I get the car keys, walked to the door, pointed the key to the door and started to press the button. Car alarm goes on cause I pressed too many times, I look at the car, press the button to make it stop, then take a few steps closer to the door I was trying to open AND PRESS THE BUTTON TO OPEN IT AGAIN

I took a time admiring how stupid that one was

Vulturedoors · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wandering around for several minutes looking for my phone while holding it.

dal-dal · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my puppy was 4 months old we would give him baths in the tub. Well one day I’m giving him his weekly bath and he’s running around trying to avoid me. I crawled into the tub, grabbed him and made him sit. Instead of climbing back out though my brain decides I’m dirty too so I sit in the half filled tub ( fully clothed) and start soaping myself and the pupper. It didn’t occur to me what I was doing until my mom walked in and lost it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unzipped my fly and started undoing my button several feet away from the bathroom door.

MayonaiseH0B0 · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a twin brother. I once thought I was looking in the mirror in a morning hunting haze and came to realize I was looking at him not a mirror.

ishdotcom · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day, went to Taco Bell drive through, paid for food with a $20 and drove off. They caught me before I drove off without my change. I laughed and said thanks, then I proceed to drive off and another guy runs out with my food. My brother was with me so .... It runs in our family?

Gwism · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Begin taking off my belt at the airport for security... continue by unbuttoning my pants and undoing the zipper.

Luckily I figured out what I was doing before it was too late.

Charles_Edison · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropped a carton of milk on the floor and refrained from opening it for the next half an hour so that it didn’t ‘fizz up’.

Glass_Rod · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve fucked something up bad, and immediately thought, Command-Z.

ALTDead · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked a 12 hr shift in retail. I'd done this for 9 days straight and was only going on 3 hours sleep each night as I had school work to do. I ended up driving home after 12 at night on my last shift of the year completely asleep. I probably woke up here and there but I don't remember anything after I left. Yeah my mom found me in my car the next day. I slept for almost 19 hours.

iamapegasus332 · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wendy's frosty and fries with a soda, browsing Reddit, dips hand in frosty then I proceed to dip my hand in the soda, I then try to drink the fries. This goes on for about a minute before I realized that my fingers were cold...

Kodemar · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Early one morning, right after waking up, I went to brew pot of coffee. The brew process takes forever (or at least, feels like forever when you're still half asleep), so I started prepping my coffee. I put in the sugar and started pouring the cream.

You see, I don't sleep well, so I always wake up still tired, and usually fairly annoyed that I had to wake up at all. So in this zombie state, I managed to fill my cup up to the 75% mark with cream before my brain woke up and interrupted.

"Want some coffee with that?"

Dumped the sugar and cream potion down the sink, turned off the coffee maker and went back to bed for an hour.

abbiedabbie · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

End of the semester in high school, senior year.

Long story short, I crammed all night to get my late work finished. I ran into the room and threw it in the basket at the very last minute, turned to our student teacher and said “bye, love you” (female to male) and walked out the door. I was halfway home when I realized my mistake.

NemesisKismet · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once just totally spaced out and shaved off my eyebrows... I was like ten.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Extremely sleep deprived from traveling back to uni. It was my second semester back at uni. At that point I was awake for 24+ hours due to having to take a very early flight with a layover. Decided to tough it out until the evening and then get a solid nights sleep.

Meet up with a friend for coffee at the local starbucks. Ordered a large latte with additional espresso shots.

I walked to the table where they keep all the sugar, sweeteners etc. Took first packet of sugar and put sugar into coffee, then threw the paper wrapper into the thrash. Took second packet of sugar, put sugar into thrash and threw wrapper into my coffee. Proceeded to stare at my coffee for quite some time trying to compute what went wrong.

dixpix4errybody · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
The-Swat-team · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost my glasses and I spent 15 minutes looking all over the house and in my car. Finally I got to the bathroom and looked on the sink and I happened to face the mirror and I thought hmmmmmm those things on my face look a lot like my glasses. I spent 15 minutes looking for my glasses..... while I was wearing them.

Ringwraithog · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to hold my friends hand in the car because I’m so use to driving with my girlfriend.

AggressiveSoraka · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to kiss my mom on the lips.

muffytheumpireslayer · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my work, I have to stop at railroad crossings. Several times, I have turned on my flashers and stopped, looked. Only to realize I'm in my personal vehicle, and the people behind me are confused.

MarconisTheMeh · 1 points · Posted at 03:14:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw a gift in the garbage instead of the receipt immediately after purchase.

gpoly · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m from Australia and we drive on the left side of the road. Around 10 years ago, I was on holiday in Vegas. We’d been out to Hoover Dam in a hire car and decided to drive down to Lake Havasu to see London Bridge. We turned off the freeway and headed south through the desert. There was a sandstorm blowing and visibility was poor. It was about 5 minutes into the drive south that I realised I was driving on the wrong side of the road. Luckily, the road was very quiet and we didn’t even see another car.

rogingerlorde · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was painting my nails, listening to some music and drinking a bottle of water.

Grabbed the nail polish remover instead of the water bottle and took a swig.

Took hours to get that taste out of my mouth.

OldIronKing123 · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crash a plane

thezombiejedi · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

My cat is diabetic so it's instinct any time I give him a can of food, I take his insulin out of the fridge and start warming it up in my hands.

This time he had acted so hungry in the middle of the day (he only gets two meals and two shots a day. One in the morning and one at night) so I gave him half a can. I didn't realize I had the insulin out and ready until I started taking out the syringe.

Could have been bad, so I'm glad I caught myself.

bbossa · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There’s a stop sign near the clinic I pick up dialysis patients at. Just ahead of the stop sign are a bunch of stoplights in a row, one after another. For some reason when I stopped at that stop sign, I was waiting for a “green light” to go, so I was basically chillin there for about 10 seconds until I realized what a stop sign means. And this happened on more than one occasion at that same stop sign lmao.

KrackerJoe · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wrote the time instead of a tip on a restaurant receipt.

wolfblade227 · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Something coincidental and I was pretty tired.

I was at a restaurant with friends and leaving the restaurant. I unlocked my car and the exterior lights flashed like normal. I got in and sat down for like 2 mins because something was weird about my car.

I told my friend “wait, I don’t have leather seats!” We got out and I was trying to figure out how the lights flashed with the exact same looking car and why I thought I was parked in that part of the parking lot.

superhobo7 · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put all my freshly dried clothes back into the washing machine from the dryer and turned it on. Didn’t realize until they were all ready soaked.

Whatever0788 · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiting for the text predictions when I’m writing on a piece of paper

onehitwondur · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure other people have done this, but here's mine: I work at a cafe, we open at 7am. For around five years I opened the cafe Monday through Friday. I'd wake up around 515 to shower, brush my teeth, and dress. I then moved away, worked a different job, and caught myself on the interstate ramp multiple times. It was a two hour drive back to my old place of work. I've since moved back and work at the same business. Since then I've showed up for work when I shouldn't be there at least 4 or 5 times. I dunno, I guess after that five years it's just ingrained in me to get up shower, and head to work. I don't sleep real well anyway so it's not a huge loss. I just get the cook to make some breakfast then go back home.

blowmonkey · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked everywhere to find my sunglasses, literally taking apart my entire place, looking under every cushion in the place to realize I was wearing them.

jorrylee · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left a phone message work related and ended saying amen then hung up.

Hkerekes · 1 points · Posted at 03:15:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the dog food bowl in the microwave when I was working a 70 hour week. The next day the dog was hungry and the bowl was missing. We were baffled that it was missing and searched the house for days. I had no memory of opening the microwave what so ever

88isafat69 · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed my pants with my wallet in it lol

cheap ass wallet but had like 170$ cash in it

shanksta3 · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the phone with my best friend when she asked me for another friends number. I said “No problem, let me just grab my phone to find it.” Went ahead and walked around the house looking for my phone for a good 2-3 minutes. I felt pretty stupid about it until I realized my friend on the other end waited patiently for me to find it as well.

argoandme · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I forgot to turn it off on final iinside the final approach fix and had to go around

TheRealCBlazer · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I flopped into a cab after 2 weeks of work and drinking. When I told the driver to take me to the airport, he asked, "Which airport?"

There's only one major airport in San Diego, so I replied, a little exasperated, "Uhh... The San Diego airport...?"

He just sat silently for the minute or so that it took for me to realize that I was in Washington, DC.

scottdavid775 · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I yell “corner!” when going around corners in random public places like restrooms... servers will get it.

clap4kyle · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think everyone has called their teacher mom at some point, right?

PebbleTown · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was late and I was tired. I got in my car and buckle my seatbelt. Well, I tried to. For some reason, it just wouldn't buckle... it was then I realized I was trying to buckle my seatbelt into the ignition

_Aj_ · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once smelled a friends hoodie I picked up.
I always smelled my gfs jacket cause it was nice and I just did it by default... It got some wierd looks.

greyham0707 · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought $50 worth of groceries,paid the cashier and walked out the store without anything and got all the way to my car before I realized what I did

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:16:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my girlfriend "I cheated."

To be clear, this wasn't an auto-pilot confession. I have never cheated on her (my now-fiancee). But we were playing some type of silly game with trying to tickle or nibble each other, I don't even remember what, and I kind of zoned out while trying a sneaky move, and then deadly serious said "I cheated" after I succeeded at whatever I was doing. It was about the fake game we were playing but it clearly came across as a relationship type of cheating. Geez the things she (justifiably!) went through of mine so I could prove to her I wasn't in contact with anyone....

shayanmmalik · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in history, wrote my name about 17 times on one paper rather than just once on the top.

f16v1per · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put toothpaste on my razor while going through my morning routine.

otusa · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was around 10 at the time. The bathroom had a laundry chute. It was an opening so that laundry could travel down to the basement where the washer and dryer were located.

One morning, I walked over to the laundry shoot, took off my shirt, and threw it in the toilet. It took me a good 10 seconds to realize what I had done.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a mail carrier.

Today, an older gentleman caught me walking up to his house singing Avril Lavigne's "My Happy Ending", while using his mail as a microphone.

I really like that song, also Christmas season is making me lose sanity.

SureMulberry · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week I threw my dirty socks in the garbage instead of into the laundry basket. Lol, all my money would be going into buying new socks every week if I threw them all away after each use

cha0sbuster · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but one time my mom was playing World of Warcraft on auto-pilot and took her hand off her mouse for a moment to pet one of our cats. Except it turned out to be a cream-coloured hat of hers that happened to look very similar to a loaf-mode Siamese out the corner of her eye.

She picked it up and pitched it across the room and we all had a giggle about it.

About 15 minutes later, my older brother picked up the hat and put it in the same spot.

And she pet the hat again.

And we fuggin' died.

It was about 8 years ago now and we refuse to let her live it down. :P

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in the second grade, everyone would give our teacher a hug before going to our bus at the end of the day. Well the one day I gave my teacher a hug and I also gave her a kiss on the cheek because for a moment I thought I was saying goodbye to my mom. I was super embarrassed, but luckily she thought it was cute haha

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at blockbuster, it was automatic to ask if the customer wanted coke or popcorn. One time this beautiful girl comes up and I mushed them together and asked if she wanted cock. 15 years later and I’m still so embarrassed.

ArchViles · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kill an entire Boeing 777 full of passengers lol

Led_Halen · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I had a dollar for every cigarette I've absentmindedly lit filter first, I'd have a whole lot of dollars.

I once picked up a cigar I'd been smoking and put it in my mouth ember first. Good times.

PebbleTown · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can't find my phone. I guess I'll use the flashlight on my phone to look for it.. ooohhhh

aymeezus · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Showed my debit card instead of my bus pass

SAINGS-Nolls · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a freshman in high school, whenever somebody stated something and i didn’t really have any input, I would say,”That’s exciting” or “That’s fun.”

That year I got cast as the male lead of the musical and there was a romantic kiss between the male and female leads. Since it wasn’t essential to the plot, by the time dress rehearsals came, we just never did it and the director didn’t really care.

Right after opening night, the female lead, who was a senior with a boyfriend, told me as a joke,”Hey on the last night you know how actors change one thing in their act? I’m going to actually kiss you on Saturday night.” And you can fill in the rest.

Irunthere4imfam · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Beginning of cell phones about the only person I ever called was my wife. Therefore every phone call ended in I Love You. Had to start talking to my new boss on the phone and ended a call with I Love You to him. Talk about feeling like a dipstick. He had a good laugh over it.

keegia · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just left my job at McDonalds where I worked in the drive thru...first day at my new job I answered the phone “Thanks for choosing McDonalds, can I take your order?”

ThePr0crastinat0r · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friend was doing a driving and texting simulator to find out how much worse people's driving got when texting. When going to change lanes I looked back to see blind spot because the Sim car didn't have the blind spot bubble mirror

KwantezBangBang · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hit fast forward on a remote and woke up overweight ten years later. Turns out while I was on “autopilot” my wife left me, I ate a ton, lost a promotion at work and put some serious strain on my relationship with my son. I ended up returning the remote to Bed Bath and Beyond

Unismurfsity · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I’m on the register for a lot of hours in one shift, or if my shift is a 6am - 3 shift, I’ll always mix up my phrases and use them at the wrong times. Like saying “would you like the receipt with you or in the bag?” right as a customer walks up instead of “did you find everything okay?”

D-all-ton · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cooked Ramen in a microwave without water twice in a row.

crimppit · 1 points · Posted at 03:18:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Labeling lemons before putting them in the fridge. Wrote “pickles” four times.

lennylenry · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably not super uncommon, but I tried using the keyless entry on my car key to the front door of my house

moby323 · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so star struck when Harrison Ford came into our deli that when I rung him up for his food at the counter and printed his credit card receipt, I grabbed a pen and signed it myself.

He just kind of raised his eyebrow and said, “Oh. I guess that’s one way to do it.”

LOL for a long time it made me cringe to think about it but now I just laugh.

Shnitzalbrain · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Staying in a hostel in India and got back from a desert safari thing yesterday. Didn't get much sleep so I was pretty dazed. Walked out to the front of the hostel where a staff member was just finishing sweeping, looked her in the eye and just emptied the large amount of sand from my shoe onto the path that she had just swept. Yelled at me in Hindi and I instantly realised what a knob I'd been

130p4rd · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I lifted up the toilet seat and just tossed my phone in. I guess I thought it was TP but I hadn’t even gone yet.

kill-me-quick · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at an upscale restaurant as a waiter. I was serving a couple who had just ordered a bottle of sparkling water. Since we often served wine by this time in their service and my head was in the clouds I presented the bottle as I would a wine bottle. I asked them if they’d like to taste it first and before I knew it I had poured a 30mL sample of sparkling water in their wine glass.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Drove home to Baltimore from DC. After I moved from Baltimore to DC.

WillyJayHuddy · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the bathroom at 3am, and pissed directly into the trash can.

Tuubular · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher mom

TheGamingGuardian · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in a parade and had the option to be on a float, zoned out and said yes to everything, ended up holding a chicken banner w/ the hat infront of a huge crowd including my school

Oopsimapanda · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a fast food restaurant as a teenager. Multiple 40+ hour weeks in a row working drivethru really took their toll on me.

One night on an off day, I decide to get food from the same restaurant but a different location. As I'm finishing giving out my order at the drive thru, something clicks in my head, and I blurt out into the speaker in full professional drive thru voice, "Anything else I can get for you today?"

Something about the sound of the drivethru and the process of listing what i was ordering made my voice and brain go into autopilot. I was so distraught by this brain fart and my mental state of exhaustion that I quit the next week.

B34STM4CH1N3 · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Googling google

purpletigah · 1 points · Posted at 03:19:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I get really invested in a movie, if there's a scene with some kind of performance, I start to clap with the audience when it ends. Then I realize I'm sitting in my living room by myself clapping for no real reason

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my girlfriend dad when I was with both my parents and my girlfriend.

catcackle · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thought my boyfriend was falling out of bed in his sleep. I woke up panicked and tried to save him from hitting the floor.

He was not falling. He was asleep. This has happened twice on different occasions.

wrappedi · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In middle school I ate a piece of bread that had come sailing right in my arms. I don't know who threw it. I don't know where it came from. I just hope no one saw.

borbster · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I make balloon animals for a living. Someone asks for a monkey and I mindlessly make a horse.

Whoops, sorry this happens sometimes, I'll make a monkey now.

I make another horse.

My hands just had a mind of their own.

CQIClax · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left my friends house after a 2 day lan sessionn of Diablo 2. Drove home, slept, woke up for school couldn't find my shoes anywhere. Had to borrow my dads shoes for the day and when I get to school my friend asks me why the fuck I left my shoes at his house...

Outside his house is wet grass and gravel. No idea how I didn't realize driving in socks.

MisterBliz · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Morning routine. Grab a cup of coffee from the coffee maker. Get a bowl of cereal. Thought I grabbed a cup for the coffee, but I only grabbed a bowl for the cereal.

I poured coffee into the bowl only to realize the silliness that just occurred.

BBQasaurus · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Taco Bell when I was 16, and I mostly worked the drive-thru. When a car would pull up, a little electronic ring would go off and I'd reach down and hit the button on my belt and then proceed to offer them a Nachos Bell Grande or whatever. Well, one day I was in latin class at school and the end of period beep went off and I reached for my belt to offer my teacher a Nachos Bell Grande.

wutangl4n · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once poured myself a bowl of flour instead of oatmeal.. the bags are very similar haha

NascentBehavior · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was like 6 or 7 I was wandering through the legs of grown-ups during the end of church service, trying to find my parents. Then I saw my dad over there, so I went over to him and hugged his legs and looked up to be horrified - this was someone else! I mumbled something while beet-red and stammered my explaination before withering away in the crowd. To be fair he and my dad have real similar stature and similar looking features, but to this day for some reason I remember how much I cringed

TheDogerus · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was cracking eggs for breakfast, had no bowls so i cracked them over the sink with the pan nearby, snd thought to myself, "Don't crack it down the sink, that would be dumb." I cracked an egg and immediately dropped it down the disposal.

violentlyshy · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in the 2nd grade (like 1995), I called my friend's house and there was no answer, so I left a message. I accidentally ended my message with "in Jesus' name I pray. Amen." This was around the time I would pray obsessively a couple times a day for my family to be Christian so they wouldn't go to hell (they weren't really religious/were basically Buddhist and I had been convinced by a Christian friend that they would all go to hell if they didn't believe in God). I only realized what I had done only after hanging up, but thankfully that family was also Christian and ended up liking me.

fluffywhalicorn · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to take food out of my fridge without thinking and just leaving it there and yelling at my family about who left the eggs out

eileenopolis · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I handed my Pre-Algebra students an AP Calculus test. When the students tried to get my attention I immediately responded with, "I'm not going to answer any questions until you at least give the problems a shot." It took a couple seconds of staring at the test to realize what I had done.

Also, I once went out to a restaurant with my colleagues and asked them to push in their chairs in my "teacher voice" when we were leaving.

magna-terra · 2 points · Posted at 03:22:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when the game glitches and the final boss spawns instead of the midboss

arkkadygnomewarr · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About a year back, my mother broke her leg and needed a lot of assistance for a few months afterwards. After this, the first time I went out with my boyfriend I instinctively put out my arm so he could hold onto me.

Also, I used to babysit two very noisy children, and picked up the habit of not really listening to what they said, just mostly saying “yeah? Wow!” or “Really! That’s great!”. It might sound bad, but if you had known this kids, you’d understand. So one time, in the middle of a conversation with my mother, I realized I had turned my brain off and had been absently agreeing and nodding without actually hearing a word.

todd282 · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a bowl of noodles in the microwave without water

PoetryfortheHunt · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked downstairs from my apartment a few years ago, lunch in one hand, garbage bag in the other, threw my lunch in the dumpster and carried my garbage to the car... These fucking hands....

meowmix778 · 1 points · Posted at 03:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The caller ID for the insurance agency I started at would say the name of the wireless company the caller was using on the caller ID. Previously I worked in cellular sales. Out of force of habit I answered the phone "thank you for calling ---- wireless". I ended up getting one of our largest financial service clients on the phone and hit them with this a few days after getting liscensed and then a few hours later did the same thing to the agency owner.

SuitablePost · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

> My birthday
Mum calls: Happy birthday, *talk talk talk*
Me: Alright, love you too, bye.

Dad calls: Happy birthday, *talk talk talk*
Me: Alright, love you too, bye.

Sister calls: Happy birthday, *talk talk talk*
Me: Alright, love you too, bye.

Boss calls: Hey, SuitablePost you need to jump on top of XX project today.
Me: Alright, love you too, bye.

Awkward silence ensues, I hang up. We don't talk for the next 2 days.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I smoked weed while I was supposed to be at a parade, and my mom picked me up. “I’m on a Boat” was on and I said “I’m on a boat motherfucker don’t you ever forget!” really loud lol. I was in the front seat. She was like “YOURE HIGH ARENT YOU???” I was like “no mom I swear!” I was a high school loser. Lol.

rampage95 · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally just happened to me like 5 minutes ago. My girlfriend texts me saying she's gonna see me soon and calls me daddy jokingly. I respond saying haha okay buddy instead of baby. Kind of a mood killer

lhturbo · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I used to have a device in my modified car called a “turbo timer”. It allowed you to take your keys out of ignition, lock the car and walk away while it keeps running for 1 or 2 minutes to cool the turbo and oil down. Then it auto shuts off.

Well after owning a car with that for 4 years, when I drive my other cars I sometimes have the habit of getting out and pressing the lock button while I shut the door, thinking the car is running and I have the keys in my pocket. except now I indeed did leave the keys in the ignition and running.

Stupid old habit, always have to call the tow truck to open my doors lol. They always laugh at me.

sugarfreelemonade · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I had a black eye from some friendly rough-housing with a housemate. I was looking in the mirror to see if the color had improved. I closed the injured left eye and saw that the eyelid was still pretty dark. I closed the right eye and saw that it was kind of dark naturally. I wanted to see them side by side to compare...so I closed both eyes.

Pyrian_throwaway · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got drive through fast food with my boss one day. A regular thing my girlfriend and I at the time would do is feed each other fries while they’re fresh. When my boss asked for a fry expecting a whole container I was holding my hand in front of her face with a single French fry. I died on the inside.

julieisarockstar · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Daycare was closed for a teacher in service day and my sister stayed home with my daughter. On my way home from work, I pulled into daycare, parked, walked in, said hello to everyone who was questioning why I was there and telling me my daughter wasn’t. It didn’t click for a minute that no kids were there! I felt like an idiot and two years later they still tease me.

Pavlovingthisdick · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just this morning.

I woke up tired. My stupid brain registers no sunlight (winter) + fatigue = bedtime. I take my sleep med. It's 8:30am and I have to call work to tell them I'll be late because I'm currently regurgitating my meds.

If anyone is wondering I noticed immediately and was able to get it out.

MoneyMaker48 · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in kindergarten and we we're at chuckey cheeses and I was with my teacher and they asked me a question and I replied with "yes sensie" ( I had been going to karate school after school for about a year and they burned it into my memory

fafaranganoo · 1 points · Posted at 03:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

fight the runaway trim on a 787max in indonesia.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to go brush my teeth. Grabbed the toothpaste tube and tried brushing with it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More than a few times over the past few decades, I've scratch-built my gaming communities servers while thoroughly on autopilot.

Chibi347 · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a bartender when a different customer gets my attention I have the tendency to give change to them instead of the right customer.

Gnarly_Sarley · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended countless work phone calls with "love you, bye"

PinballSavvy · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peeled a fucking lemon. That shit is messed up.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shook up an already opened Snapple and splashed it all over myself, the couch, and my dog

TheDudeAbidesHeDoes · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Farted in A store like I was sitting on my couch at home - lifted my leg and all... what the fuuuuuuck

secretasianman009 · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I officiated a memorial service and after everything was said and done, I went to the family to give my condolences one more time. Then as I was leaving, I told the family— the grieving family— “Have a great day!”

Then I realized what I had said. I should’ve just walked away— as the family may have chalked that to people just being on autopilot — But no. I stumbled and said, “Uh... you know, considering...”

dogtographer · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last wednesday I put leave-in-conditioner on my face and rubbed it in for a full minute before i realized it

afatasskellyprice · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was 19, I was working a double after a long night of drinking, recreational drugs, and about 2 hours of sleep. Went out back for a smoke break and a pigeon landed next to me and my immediate response was to bark at it. That same day I also called an elderly woman “dude”. Good times.

Kodiak01 · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once spent half an hour running around pissed off because I couldn't find my glasses...

They were on my nose.

WlCK3D · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife instinctively always wants to say Happy Birthday for every holiday. She has to think for a second before saying it.

aferalghoul · 1 points · Posted at 03:22:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have one that will definitely get buried. I work a 2 am shift and have a coworker who starts thirty minutes before me. I get there and I know his car wasn’t there (he overslept) which meant I couldn’t enter the building or else the alarm would go off and he police would arrive. Guess what I did out of habit?

I fucking entered the building and set off the alarm. It was blaring throughout the whole building? What did I do? Oh nothing just fucking clocked in and went to the bathroom to piss. While pissing I was like “hmmm I wonder why that damn alarm is ringing? “ I go my work station and am wondering where he is. Then it fucking hits me. HIS CAR WASNT OUTSIDE HOLY FUCK IM GOING TO GET FIRED

I’m sure the Loss Prevention got a laugh out of my slapping my forehead in embarrassment while calling myself a dumbass. I immediately exited the building. Does not end there.

I literally was like “oh it’s chilly out” so I casually re enter the building and grab my sweater. Fortunately minutes later he pulls up and deactivates the alarm. The Police call and he has to explain what happened. I’ve been there 8 months. I still get teased about it but at least it’s an insider

ijuscrushalot · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What’s auto pilot..

captainchuckle · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my business partner. Short after 9/11 security changes at the airport he takes shoes and belt off and instinctively starts dropping his pants. Got all the to his ankles before TSA yelled at him that he didn’t have to get naked.

WolfOfPort · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured a bowl of cereal and put the cereal into the fridge and then went to sit down with my jug of milk. I've done this several times in my life.

sbmellor · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working the cash register at a local retail store and there was an older guy checking out. When the transaction was over he said thank you and I said “I love you too baby”.

He didn’t react at all and just left but I know he heard me and it still haunts me to this day.

srcorvettez06 · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven into the scales or the truck section of rest areas in my personal car. Also tried to put diesel in the Camaro. Good thing the nozzle doesn’t fit.

Desolat3d · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally blurted out what I got my sister for Christmas. I meant to say “Your gift is taking forever to ship!” But my dumb ass said “Your [insert the item I got her here] is taking forever to ship!” And she was like really 😂😂

arsewarts1 · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a Spanish teacher in school that every one loved as their favorite. We were really close in personality so always but heads but we’re friends. Had known him for 4 years at this point. Was running late for next class after a tutoring session and in a hurry out the door he said goodbye and I turned back and said love you dad. Stopped cold until he started laughing.

D_lamystorius · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured ranch dressing on my plate of spaghetti, instead of the salad next to it. Immediately cried.

I was 11 and it was our first meal as a family in a new house after a traumatizing move, so I was a bit sensitive.

skraptastic · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to commute into San Francisco from the deep burbs. We had a "casual carpool" that was just random strangers line up and wait for someone to pick them up to take advantage of the carpool lane/reduced tolls.

One evening on the way home I was driving on auto pilot, forgot that I had two little Filipino ladies in my back seat and headed straight home. We were about a mile past from the drop off when I heard "ummm are you going to take us to the park and ride?"

I was mortified. I was like OMG I'm so sorry, I just got lost in my own head and forgot about you! I'll take you back right now!"

EloquentGrl · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've never been a girly girl, so doing make up and hair was pretty foreign to me as a young teen. My cousin was helping me get ready for a school dance, and she squeezed some foamy hair mousse into her hand, then held it out to me.

I looked at it, and my instinct was to slap my hand onto her hand. Mousse foam flew everywhere! On the floor, on the wall, on our clothes.

We both just stood there in shock, before she asked, "WHYYYY did you do that??"

"I...don't know..." then we both started laughing.

The next time she hand me mousse, she had to clarify, "Put it in your HAIR." God, I was a weird kid...

bibibethy · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the office, decided to have a cup of tea. It was all going fine until I added hot water from the coffee dispenser (spoiler: it was not water). Hibiscus tea does not go well with coffee.

S1L3NTC4 · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have put hair gel on my tooth brush when I had to wake up super early for school plus a full time job. I have also managed to leave my car keys and cell phone inside the refrigerator in separate occasions. Now any time I lose anything I check the fridge hahaha.

Sleepered · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushed my teeth with clearasil. It didn't taste too bad.

mcshrek201 · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Maccas and I did the breakfast shift, so one morning I cracked an egg into the bin and tried to cook the shell

theduranimal · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Staring at my phone in the lobby of the movie theater. Wandered into the bathroom. Thought, “where are all the urinals? Sure is creepy with a bunch of empty stalls.” Do my business, wash up, and walking out still staring at my phone. Another person approaches looking at their phone. We look up simultaneously, we meet eyes and in an instant realize I’m not supposed to be here. I throw my hands up and stammer, “I’m sorry, I’m just, i don’t!” She’s saying, “it’s ok, it’s ok! I’ve done it too.” I walk as fast as possible past her and get outta there.

I don’t think she has ever done it too, but she was very nice when she realized it was a genuine mistake.

cjs102198 · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a mcdonald’s and sometimes you just go into auto pilot and forget to give people meat on their sandwich’s

Looneytuni888 · 1 points · Posted at 03:23:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reorganized my bathroom cabinet... grabbed the mouthwash instead of the bubble bath and poured it into the tub

partsaklo · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was cutting frozen meat into small pieces as per usual (part of my part-time job) , dont pay much attention in general and my fingers tend to freeze and go numb, cut my finger pretty deep and only noticed when i thought the meat was too rough to cut.at least it wasn't much meat that we through away, boss would bust my balls if i ruined a big portion.

hottiehufflepuff · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work with phones for one of the big guys and we often help people put apps on their phones for transferring content and what not.

I definitely had my mind in other places and started downloading tinder on this older gentleman’s phone. I don’t think anyone noticed me quickly trying to delete or at least no one said anything about it.

Djayhero · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the bathroom and started peeing in the trash can instead of the urinal, took me a good 5 seconds to realize what was happening

billnyetheblack · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put toothpaste on my toothbrush and then proceed to wash it right off and put it away.

MuffinToots · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Downstairs in the morning getting ready for class and pour myself a glass of juice. Head upstairs to wash my hair and when I go to turn on the water I realize I still have the juice in my hands. After getting ready I take the juice downstairs so I can head out to class. I pull into the college parking lot, park, and gather my stuff for class. I realize the bottle of juice is sitting in my car.

Lichcrow · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving home from college. Instead of going home I drove a 4km detour to a friends house, knocked on the door, he opened it confused as hell because i didn't tell him anything. I realized my stupidity, and since i needed to go home i just left.

Burningcookies · 1 points · Posted at 03:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often bring drinks that I fix for my daughters to my wife or vice versa. It happens way too often actually.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to throw out a paper cup. Took off the lid, dumped the leftover liquid in the trash, threw the paper cup in the sink.

potter5252 · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Listened to music while walking to my car. Unlock the car and take out earbuds. Flop down and driver's seat and toss keys back into purse. Make several attempts to insert my earbuds into the key hole and wondering why I was missing so much.

SittingInAnAirport · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made a big batch of bone broth, simmered it for days. Went to strain off the bones, strained it right down the drain.

Coopremer · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one wasn't me but a relative of mine. One year during a golf trip/family reunion to Prince Edward Island I was put on a team with my great uncle. He had been drinking a water bottle and had finished just before going to tee off.

My mom and I were standing behind him as he was about to go up to the tee, and we noticed he threw his ball in the garbage bin. We watched him walk all the way to the hill where he was teeing off and put his bottle down on the tee.

The look of utter confusion was priceless.

MGrooms94 · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cats food and water dishes are next to the garbage can in my kitchen. The other day I scooped some food and dumped it right into the garbage. Was stunned at my own stupidity for a second then promptly made myself some coffee.

NapoleanBornToParty · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a kid, playing soccer on defense. The goalie took the ball to the face and was crying; I guess I figured they called a timeout and picked up the ball. I immediately got flagged, realized where I was, and dropped the ball. I took a knee after that and sat out the whole game out of embarrassment.

jaymshe · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put sausages on a bench next to a peeled banana and went ahead and tried to cook the banana.

Purple5527 · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got my driver's license in my senior year of high school. Often when I arrived at school I would walk up to my locker and would absentmindedly try it open it using the power lock buttons on my car keys. This happened so often, lol.

Angsty_Potatos · 1 points · Posted at 03:25:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ordered an ice cream. Paid for it. Took the change. Left.

Without the ice cream

InfComplex · 1 points · Posted at 03:26:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the dog food in the fish tank

afalsebillyidol · 1 points · Posted at 03:26:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working on math homework in elementary school. Phone rang and when I picked it up I said "1-2-3?" instead of "hello?"

hypnoganja · 1 points · Posted at 03:27:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited for a stop sign to turn green.

Blakpegasus · 1 points · Posted at 03:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, when I get home from work or anywhere really.... I takes off my pants. It's just what I do. Obviously I wear pants when people are over but when it's just me or my woman and I, sans pants. Had a couple friends over for a beer and smoke sesh and got to talking about a mod I'd done to my car and decided to take them outside to show them. When we get back inside all still talking my buddy is all " wtf you doin'"? I realize I was taking my pants off right in front of them. My woman died laughing. Derp.

FireCabo · 1 points · Posted at 03:27:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up to fill my dogs bowl and make myself cereal somehow managed to pour my Reeses puffs into dog bowl and dog food into my bowl filled my bowl with milk and didn't realize the mistake till the first bite...

Stormkveld · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work there are snacks. It's not uncommon to put the snacks in a mug (like a coffee cup or whatever).

So usually I'll have my coffee or tea mug and another identical mug filled with snacks, and I'll absent mindedly eat my snacks while I work.

Well, one day I make a nice hot coffee and have my snacks, I get distracted and reach into my mug only to get shocked by a sudden wetness and heat - and realised I'd just dipped my hand into my coffee instead of my snack mug

scootermcgee2358 · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to get rid of the gum I was chewing while a friend of mine came up to shake my hand. So I put the gum in his hand. For some reason I thought he knew I wanted to get rid of my gum and was offering to take it from me, like I was a little kid.

magsticker · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped looking at my cell phone because I was freaking out about how I just lost my phone - as I'm holding it in my hand.

It was a long day.

NotThatGuy523 · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at McDonald’s, and I was working later than usual one night. So I am getting fries ready, and normally you pull the fries out the fryer, drain the grease from the basket, then dump the fries into the tray.

I was very tired and instead I pulled the basked out the fryer, drained the grease...then proceeded to dump all the fries into the fryer....

Minebutoff2014 · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Story 1: I was eating at a restaurant with my family and tried to grab my drink. I realized there was a lid on it, so I tried to take oof the lid. I then realized I unleashed my inner Sans and starting drinking ketchup. No one noticed though.

Story 2: I was walking my dog and tried to get into my house and noticed the doorknob looked weird. My keys weren’t working, so I proceeded to knock on my own door. I then realized I was knocking on some random guy’s door and run as fast as I could because I thought someone was gonna come out with a shotgun or something, idk lol

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Knocked on the door walking out of the room to go to the bathroom. A few people saw/heard. I walked back in to complete silence and confusion.

sunriser2006 · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was riding with my mom one day. She tells me to roll the window up so she can turn on the A/C. I opened the door, seatbelt on and everything. Thank god we were at a stop sign.

Nippelz · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

McD's employee: "Enjoy your food!"

Me: "You, too!"

😲 Every fucking time...

charmed45390 · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as receptionist on a factory. An employee had a phone call. Instead of paging through the speaker system and saying So n So can extension xxxx....I said So n so you have a phone call. That's it no information. I felt like a moron since everyone heard it

sml09 · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got ready to go to work, got dressed and put my bag together, walked to the car, had no shoes on and no keys to drive and I’m now locked out of my apartment.

Dishonest_Children · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to clean 10 sets into snatch practice... with a snatch grip.

SenorDangerwank · 1 points · Posted at 03:28:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice into my cereal. Completely, too. Mom watched me the whole time until I was done then "What are you doing...?".

And I was completely stunned.

jstan2124 · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a CNA at a long term care facility. Because of workplace policies I have a habit of knocking on doors before entering the room all the time...even in my own house...when I am home alone.

When hearing a knock, I also immediately respond with “patient care.” It’s so automatic it’s a reflex. I once did this in a public restroom when someone knocked to see if it was occupied. I was so embarrassed.

Lsinjest · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cereal in the fridge, milk in the cupboard

krishanu230 · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I called someone with my phone to check if they have my phone

becsspec · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dumped a glass of water out in the trash can instead of the sink

Dyleteyou · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the phone someone asked me for a phone number.....I continued to look for my phone because I don't remember numbers without while talking to them.

ingen-eer · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working an internship and detailing as a supervisor in a factory. I was a zombie.

Every day my alarm went off at 4:40. I go to the bathroom, pop pills in mouth (adhd at the time. I mean, also now, but then as well), swig of water and the get in the shower to start waking up.

One morning my eyes snapped open so I went to the bathroom and fired up the routine. After swallowing the pills I realized I didn’t remember touching my alarm, or looking at it actually, so I waited on the shower and went to check my alarm so it wouldn’t wake my roommate.

Well no fucking hazard of that at 1 am!

For those of you familiar with add meds, sleep was over. I knew it immediately. I heard my neighbors fighting, which is what had woken me. Sigh.

I went in to work at 2:30 because I couldn’t decide what to do. Went back home around 1 and hit the bed hard.

_Sisi · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me (working retail): hi how are you?
Customer: good how are you? Me: good how are you ?

NewEnglandAlways · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on a flight back from Hawaii a couple months ago for a work trip. Lady next to me said she was going to Seattle for her birthday.

Instinctly I just said "Oh happy birthday, how old are you??" then immediately got flashes of my wife glaring at me in my mind.

I tried to stumble out of it and she laughed and told me she was turning 40 something and I just had to do the "You look great for 40 something"

_DUKE__ · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pissed right in the kitchen bin

NeoDragonXZ · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going to school when I had to go to work (both are walking distance). Needless to say, I was a bit late.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got home from work one day and when getting undressed realised I'd put on two bras that morning. Another time I was at work and didn't notice till the middle of the day that my sweater was back to front AND inside out. I left it that way, didn't look too bad.

Th3K00n · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a movie theater in high school. One summer when my sister was home from college, she got hired there too. One day, we were both scheduled for the same shift, and were gonna drive together. I was running a bit late and told her to leave without me and tell them I should still be on time. Well, when I finally got there, I clocked in, went behind the counter, and my manager asked, “Hey, where’s your sister?”

“She didn’t show up? She left before I did...”

“No she’s not here, call her something might be wrong!”

I frantically call her

Well, she drove right past the movie theater, and followed the road all the way to our high school. Drove down the long drive into the school, and parked. Then she remembered that she doesn’t go there anymore, it’s summer, and she was supposed to be driving to work.

I completely forgot about that until seeing this post and it came back. Thanks for that!

sakuredu · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting toothpaste on my razor.

I swear I done this 10 times already.

rogueR0B0T · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to "scroll" down as I was reading a news paper.

TheDOPDeity · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm pretty much always on auto pilot the moment I enter my work place, even before I clock in.

One day I went about doing my regular stuff, setting up a scanner and pulling stuff from shelves. An hour passed and my boss came in and asked why I was back there. Turns out I was supposed to be in an entirely different area that night, and I knew that for full week following up to then.

I'm never curious as to why people think I still do drugs. I'd assume the same thing with everything I do.

zeebs13 · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the girls bathroom on a 4th grade field trip. As soon as I walked in I realized what I had done and ran for it, mortified.

The kicker was that of course the news spread fast (did you hear? Zeebs13 went into the girls bathroom!) but everyone who wasn't there refused to believe I could have done it, so the other kid in my grade who had the same name as me got blamed 😂

karanius1 · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My regional manager gave all of us (the sales team) the talk about how the response to a client's "Thank you" should be nothing less than: "My pleasure!"

I was on auto pilot when I was saying: "you're welcome!" But once I tried to switch to the new phrase: "my pleasure" it got all mixed up in my head and I spat out: "you are my pleasure!"

Omg..I just wanted to melt away...

The guy's face was like :/ My managers fave was like :\ My face was 《:3

HopefulGuardian · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stared uncomfortably long... sooo long.

Seb-G · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked open an egg over the sink instead of the mixing bowl.

iclipseco · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have this silly fidgety habit where I'll unbutton and button the same button on a shirt. I don't do it all the time, but every now and again it's my go to nervous habit.

Now cut to me talking with a co-worker , and considering I'm wearing a oxford shirt I of course start fidgeting with one of the buttons. Part way through the conversation I get a strange look from my co-worker, who seems to have directed their attention to my torso. So I look down, and see that I've unbuttoned about half the buttons on my shirt.

While I was wearing an undershirt this was still incredibly frustrating/embarrassing.

marioman327 · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everything everyday my entire life.

Nidos · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a pizzeria as a delivery driver, and haven’t been taught how to ring up customers yet. A customer came to pick something up while the boss was on the phone taking a catering order, and he asked me if I can go call over Chris who was working in the back, packing the food for pickups and deliveries. I went over, saw Chris and Jimmy and go “Hey. Man in front” and walk away. They laughed about it with me for a while.

What’s that, Lassie? Man in front?

Another time, months back, this guy named John was working the counter. I hear the boss call him John, and my brain for some reason thought his name was Jorge. Jorge is actually another driver for us, and works the counter as well. The two, other than being fluent in Spanish, are almost nothing alike. So I go up to John and asked him, “Did he just call you John?”. I pretty much stared at him for a minute when he said “yeah.” casually.

A lot of times when I’m super tired, I do stupid things at work. I’ve forgotten pizzas so many times and had to turn around. I’ve told people “goodnight” instead of “have a good night”. This one time, the person asked how much they owed me, and I read them back their address.

One time, I had a delivery to Generic Ave in Town A. My girlfriend lives on Generic Ave in Town B, which directly borders Town A. Two completely different streets, thankfully only <5 minutes drive away from each other. I got up to her street, looked at the ticket and went “oh shit”. Another time, I had a delivery to Street Ave in Town A, literally down the street from the restaurant and not even that long of a drive. My boss told me that it’s in Town A. I knew for a fact that it was delivering to Town A. So what do I do? I drive 5 minutes the opposite way to the same address on Street Ave, but in Town C (also bordering Town A). The old lady that answered was confused, but understood completely. Even worse was that this was the last delivery of the night, and I could’ve been out of there a good 15-20 minutes earlier than I did.

yackattack099 · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in eighth grade I was at my locker one morning before classes started, and I had already hung up my coat and hat. I started to slip off my shoes before I realized what I was doing.

heckin_cool · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to make Nesquik chocolate milk. We had a big container of the powder kind. I poured the milk directly into the tub of nesquik and got halfway through the gallon before I realized what was wrong.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just woken up and I was a bit drowsy but decided to go to the bathroom. I pulled down my pajama pants and nearly started peeing when I realized I was standing right behind the garbage can. I had to make a quick hurry towards the toilet before I started peeing.

maldub · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After playing with my daughter all day & being an exhausted first time mommy, me & my family sat down to have dinner one night & my mother asked me to say the blessing, which in our family is the generic "god is great, god is good, let us thank him for our food..." well instead of that coming out, I said "eenie meanie minie moe, catch a rabbit by his toe..."

wiretapfeast · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have done this multiple times - will crave a glass of wine, pull out the bottle, get a corkscrew out, fight with the stubborn wine cork and finally uncork the bottle. Only to immediately, mindlessly shove it back in again without pouring a glass first.

iamlte · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first child slept through the night fairly earlier on. So, when I had my second child about three years later, I was not quite ready for the total sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn who likes to eat every hour and sleep very little. I am sure there are a great many things I did during that time on Auto Pilot. I remember many times having loaded up the children into the car and driven 10 minutes down the road only to mentally freak out thinking I left one behind (I didn't).

But I think my favorite memory of those early months was when I had spent a good 3 or 4 minutes trying to shove a pacifier into my laughing three-year-old's mouth before realizing I had the wrong kid.

Indestructuble_Man · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago I was hanging out with some people on a Friday night at their house. This was a regular thing with about 10 people there. Most of us would crash on the couches or floor instead of going home. I was ready to go to sleep and I normally would take my belt off before sleeping. This night I wasn't thinking and took my pants off in the middle of a room full of people. Luckily I realized what I was doing and everyone pretended not to notice.

queenreinareyna · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes go eat where I work when I’m off. One day I was on my way to the restroom and another customer comes in and I greet with the “Hi Welcome to your Whataburger :D”. He stared at me like I was a weirdo.

KFelts910 · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally calling my father “babe” right after my husband deployed 🤦🏽‍♀️

pfp-disciple · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, preteen me dropped a biscuit on the floor. So, I promptly washed it off in the sink before realizing I just soaked it.

lexifers516 · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once introduced myself as my sister. To my sisters friends. While standing directly next to my sister.

KyleJShields · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Normally go to the gym in the evening time. Decided to go in the morning because i was off of work and wanted to get it out of the way. (Not a morning person by the way so i was very tired) Finished my sets of squats and was taking the weight off the bar. Grabbed the 20kg plate not noticing the smaller 5kg plate still on the bar. When i pulled the plate off the small plate proceeded to fall and break one of my toes.

blutree · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Greets teacher with, "Hey mom." In front of the class of course.

RaptorDesign · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex’s best friend

hey_there_kitty_cat · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend was a pretty good highschool QB, won us a big game, threw a big Tebow praying uppercut into this cheerleader (his girlfriend) running up to him. She was fine, they're married now, but that will forever go down in school history of this guy just uppercut flipping this poor girl after an exciting win. I'm sure there are videos but I don't wan't to even risk that, you guys can imagine it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was reading my favourite novel while my mom came to ask me what I would like in the dinner. I was so annoyed with the question that I've asked her to leave me alone and when she left I thought I was talking to my girlfriend so I said thanks a lot baby girl.

SouljazzNerd · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was getting a birthday card for my mother. Wrote Happy Christmas instead of happy birthday (her birthday is close to 25th). At least she laughed about it

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:32:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to ride the tram to work for one of my old jobs. I'd often ride my bike up to the tram stop and lock it there. One day I got off the tram and was most of the way home before I remembered I'd ridden my bike to the tram stop that morning and it was still there. I was so tired, I just kept walking home and got it the next day.

ChuckGotWood · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ripped the blinker lever off of my old truck. Had been running a loader all day loading salt trucks and the forward/reverse level was in the same spot as the blinker and required a lot of force to move.

crassina · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peeling prawns before cooking.

Ended up with a large bowlful of prawn shells and a plastic bag full of prawn meat, instead of the other way around.

WatShmat · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up new toilet paper roll, tore off a piece, blew my nose, threw entire roll into toilet

ICanBeTerse · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work, I use a badge that I clip to my belt loop to access different labs all day. I usually take my badge off my belt loop and throw it in my bag before I leave work for the day.

One particular day in the recent past, I forgot to take it off. Got home to my apartment and tried to use my badge to get in my front door. Was REALLY frustrated when it didn’t work. Got as far as thinking about who I should call about fixing my badge before I realized what the hell I was doing.

It had been a really long day.

Makuta72 · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a chocolate in one hand and the wrapper in the other. Threw the chocolate away and stood there looking at the wrapper like an idiot.

NotAnurag · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was late at night and I wanted some warm milk. I got some milk out of the fridge. I got a cup. And I microwaved the empty cup. It took a solid 3 minutes for me to stop wondering how the milk disappeared.

minsterella · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moved to a country where they say thank you A LOT. Said thank you to an ATM machine once.

Ofreo · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was hungover so that was probably why, but I was making Mac n’ cheese and had the colander in one hand to grab the pot and drain the noodles and started pouring boiling water over the stove top. Luckily I didn’t burn myself but what the fuck was I thinking.

SkruTum · 1 points · Posted at 03:33:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put face cream instead of toothpaste on my toothbrush and proceeded to brush with it.

DommRuy · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled off my pants in public I had just finished a race and for some reason when I sat down I decided to take off my pants.

HabiTheHushed · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pouring pepsi into a cereal bowl

lirgecaps · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to live in one part of town and work across town. To simplify things, I moved a mile from work. One night I left work really late and distracted and drove halfway across town before I realized I was going to the wrong house.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured milk into my soda water

mylittlevegan · 1 points · Posted at 03:34:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today i tried to fill my toddlers cup with water by sticking it under the light switch

mpitt0730 · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eating breakfast getting ready for school, finished cereal, bowl in dishwasher, cleaning up. I proceed to put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. I start to walk downstairs to my room and then I stop for a solid 10 seconds before realizing what I had done.

Inmybelly98 · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sitting on a bleacher above a door way during gym class and my mind had wondered but my eyes stayed what it was looking at the ( the floor in front of a table in front of the door). Then a girl happened to stand in front of where I was looking (her back facing me) with a friend facing her. Well I was in my thoughts and didn't see her come into view despite the fact I was looking at her (for what seemed to be an uncomfortable amount) because I snapped back to reality when her friend told her I had been staring at her ass for what she made seem like an eternity and she shrieked loud as hell. She didn't believe me ;_;

Stoneheart7 · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While I was working in a restaurant, coworker needed an apron, and I was helping them out. Tied it off and fixed the loop over her neck and said "I love you."

I guess I've only ever helped romantic partners get dressed before. Luckily she thought it was hilarious, especially with how embarrassed I got.

vybisgone · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thankfully no one knows about this: I use a facewash to clean my face instead of soap while taking bath. So one time I took some facewash gel into my hands & started massaging my scalp with it like a retard.

daghou · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered a phone call when I was younger. Almost exclusively received calls from my mom. Always told her that I loved her at the end of the call.

Get a phone call from my female boss one day on that phone. Proceed to end the call with, "Okay, love you, bye!"

🤦‍♂️

RunningTrisarahtop · 1 points · Posted at 03:35:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just yesterday I was at a kid’s concert and the kid’s finished and waved to the parents and the parents all clapped and I stood in the audience and was the only parent waving at the kids.

whoaitsvass · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called a 90 year old woman “my dude”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking my dog in the middle of winter, and reached down and unhooked her leash/harness... then called my dad from inside the house two seconds later as I realized what dumbassery I had just done

Mezyki · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nothing big really comes to mind atm except one time this week I was getting some fast food while in a hurry. Pay, get food & cashier says "Come again" before I pull off & I say "you too!". Didn't realize the idiot move until after I clocked in....late

Oyster_Spactus · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put anti-itch cream on my tooth brush even though it wasn't where we keep tooth paste. It didn't taste so good but my teeth dont itch no more.

GloomyMeat · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ghost ride the whip while whipping a shitty

olirules · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

(M26) I once adjust my underwear in front of a female coworker without thinking about it. Luckily she just noticed and laughed.

crazyllama256 · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working a 20 hour Black Friday shift at Target. About 18 hours in I was the fitting room/phone operator. The phone was ringing at the same time someone was walking up with clothes to try on. I turned to the person and said, "Thank you for calling Target, my name is crazyllama256! How can I direct your call?" Then immediately picked up the phone and asked, "How many items?"

troydunc · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told me boss I loved him at the end of the phone call, as I usually would my partner. He took it well. Me, not so much.

chuzoley · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not as bad as some others, but mortifying for me, lol. I said "thank you" to an elevator full of classmates as I (accidentally) got off on the wrong floor. It was dead week (the week before finals) and I was DEAD.

PopChipsLover · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In India, my mom used to put nail polishes in fridge. She claimed it extended the shelf life of the nail polish. One day, I went home. It was super hot and humid day. I opened the fridge. Started opening the nail polish instead of the water bottle. Duh..

Ps: In my house, back in India, we had to fill up water bottle and put it in fridge for cold water. There was no dispenser for water in the fridge.

TTR8350 · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wasn't really paying attention to a conversation with best friend and said "I like your tits"

So yeah, there's that

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:36:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flush the toilet twice. I flush it once, wash my hands, then sometimes do it again and just stand there like, "Did I just flush the toilet again or was that the first time?"

TheLifeisgood72 · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cooked an entire salmon then threw it straight into the trash.

Mcsmack · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I trained myself to left click while sleeping. I used this skill to sleep on the job while keeping my computer from locking. Fell asleep doing so, only to find out I'd crashed a network with my random sleep clicks.

PaigeMarieV · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So when i was younger i used to live in a duplex. There were other houses around that looked the exact same. Got home from school one day and I couldnt get into my house. Key wouldnt work so i knocked on the door for like 10 minutes, kept trying my key to. Neighbor came home and looked at me for a few minutes while i tried and then he just walked into his side of the house. I thought maybe i should try the backdoor. Went around the side of the house and THEN realized i was at the wrong house fml

uni-piggy · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mom: (in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice) I’ll be Back Me: I love you too

EnderWiggin07 · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving the forklift at work, heading into the pipe yard. For whatever reason I had the idea that I should signal my turn and flipped the lever on the left down like a left turn signal. Which on a forklift meant I slammed it into reverse. They're not exactly quick but they're quite good at stopping and it did so abruptly in view of a coworker and truck driver.

I've also done the opposite plenty of times, end of a long day ready to back out of my parking spot, and put on my turn signal instead.

oldersoul · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a new parent, you tend to push and pull shopping carts to soothe infant children as you're standing in the aisles. Kind of like rocking them to sleep. I noticed I was doing this, even when I didn't have my kid with me. It took 3 months to break myself of the habit.

redheadedmandy · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eaten crayons instead of French fries at a restaurant as a kid.

Rafathedog · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened yesterday. We have a bag in box/soda gun system at work. Diet Coke was out so we had cans in the ice by the well. I grabbed a can and poured ice on it like it was a pint glass. A server saw me and just said 'ha!'

Muscle memory is strong.

Kinginthe4th · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was peeing at a urinal and was daydreaming so bad, I started panicking thinking I was peeing my pants. Only to look down and realize I was at the urinal.

Huntererererer · 1 points · Posted at 03:37:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On my way home after work, older man passes me and says good evening. I respond with good morning since im usually this tired in the mornings.

ksimpson1986 · 1 points · Posted at 03:38:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving down the road going about 40mph, then out of nowhere, I threw the car in park...to this day I have no idea why, I was just totally zoned out.

Zackeros · 1 points · Posted at 03:38:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I'm a firefighter down in Florida. One long night I drove the ambulance back to the firestation ready for bed cause we have been up all night running calls. So I park the ambulance. Get out. Plug in the charger and start heading too bed. My partner jumps out and is like "Yo what's up? Why are we here?" I look back and see the little old lady sitting patiently in the back on the strecher.

I was so tired I forgot we had a nursing home patient in the back. I apologized profusely to both as I shamefully drove them too the hospital as both he and she laughed at me, cracking jokes about stopping and getting coffee.

smokecat20 · 1 points · Posted at 03:38:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All these happen when I get high

jedasu · 1 points · Posted at 03:38:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for this defunct paging company SkyTel (yeah I'm that old) during college break and we always had to end our call with "Thank you for calling SkyTel!" One day, I had to call into my aunt's office to tell them she couldn't make it to work that afternoon. And of course I said at the end "Thank you for calling SkyTel!"

oriongt3 · 1 points · Posted at 03:38:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked a customer “did you find everything you were looking for?” 4 times in a row while I was ringing their groceries... was so tired

SaltyJake · 1 points · Posted at 03:38:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at a private ambulance company that staffed a city 911 contract at bare minimum. It means each truck is just constantly responding and dumping patients, half the time getting dispatched from the E.R. triage desk to our next call. Don’t care, young, getting a ton of experience, and plenty of OT.

Stack my schedule with OT for a 72 hour shift, getting only micro naps of 15 minutes here or there. Entire crew bangs out sick on the 4th day, and I get mandated to stay. Luckily the supervisors are cool and see this all the time, they rotate me off 911 and onto a back up / transfer truck. First call is a discharge out of the hospital to a rehab south of the city, near my apartment at the time. Lights off, sports talk radio on, driving with traffic... autopilot engaged. Suddenly I’m standing on my front steps wondering why the key fob for my truck isn’t locking and making my truck beep like it usually does... turn and realize I drove myself home and almost left a loaded ambulance in my driveway.

I told my supervisor after the call, who thought it was the funniest thing he ever heard. My partner drove back to the station after and I went home early.... driving straight through every red light and stop sign and humming a siren noise in my head... now completely oblivious that I was no longer in an ambulance responding to calls.

Fucktastickfantastic · 1 points · Posted at 03:39:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I knock on doors constantly before opening them, even in my house by myself. I work as a CNA so it's just auto pilot from always knocking on residents doors before opening them. I've got a few funny looks in public

TheButteryBrit · 1 points · Posted at 03:40:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went autopilot and two doors with a metal bar in the middle were in front of me (plenty room to go through either one) I smashed my head right on the pole in front of me and my friends were behind me.

QuickMalcolmJ · 1 points · Posted at 03:40:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost peed in a trash can once.

MuddyBoggyMonster · 1 points · Posted at 03:40:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, in my family we kiss on the lips to say goodbye. (I know, it's a little weird.) I was at my boyfriend's parents house for Thanksgiving, we go to leave and his dad went to hug me goodbye and I just planted one on him. We just kind of stared at each other awkwardly for a few seconds and never mentioned it again.

retrohGamr · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use to work 12 hour shifts. After work it was my thing to eat a bowl of cereal when I got home. One time after a long week this happened.

I made the bowl of cereal and after I finished pouring the milk I put the milk in the cabinet with the bowls and I put the cereal in the fridge. I sat down to eat my cereal and right before my first spoon full of goodies I realized my mistake and just stared at my bowl for another minute in shame before I fixed the issue.

EnchantedBreezie · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my school they switch between using foam and plastic trays, one day when I'd thought I was using a foam one I dropped it into the trashcan, it was only when I was walking away that I had realized that it was a plastic one, I was too embarrassed to turn around and dig it out and continued walking towards the doors...

ternFly · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
actuallyamily · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed on my hand.

I have a high pressure job, so I get in/out of the restroom quickly. I’ve also been there for a very long time, so I’ve developed a routine. Light on, lock door, start hot faucet (it’s a long way from the hot water heater to the bathroom, and I don’t want to wait for it to heat when I’m ready), sit, pull off and fold paper while I’m going, wipe, wash, dry, light, leave. Very quickly.

So on this day, I followed the routine, but on total auto pilot, so that when I had finished folding the paper, I wiped. Was not finished with my business. Totally peed all over my hand before I could stop/withdraw.

-im-blinking · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honked my horn at an intersection twice while driving my car after driving a forklift for 12 hours.

platocplx · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the car with someone. I couldn’t hear them so I turned up the radio. Lmao.

BabyBundtCakes · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did the folded paper bag text book covers growing up, and one day I was doodling the word "SCIENCE" in big decorative letters. Zoned out through the whole class to do it.

At the end I looked down to admire my finished work and it said the word "STUPID." It was so pretty, but I went home and re-covered it because I was embarassed. Now that Im older I wish I had kept it, but I was already a weirdo

BurghFinsFan · 1 points · Posted at 03:41:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ask my dog, “wanna go for a car ride?” So I take him and get him into the car and I drive to work. I get there and realize it’s just me and my dog. Why did I bring my dog, was he going to work my shift for me? Safe to say I was a little bit late that day.

ranmarox · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working in retail at the time and got used to saying hello to anyone who entered the store. I went to the bathroom and was washing my hands and when I saw a lady emerge from one of the stalls I automatically said hi how are you.

MissD30 · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Co-workers were passing around a card for everyone to sign. I was very busy and quickly scrawled Happy Birthday on it and signed my name. As it turns out it was for a going away party.

Beowulfin3D · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I used to work in retail me and my friend used to stick the middle finger to each other on passing in aisles when customers weren’t looking. Cue my friend talking to my manager they both turn to look at me coming towards them and boom, up go my middle fingers. Manager was super pissed but I got off with a bollocking only.

ianfabs · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this girl was walking next to me in the hall in high school, and I being the fantastic absent minded professor i am, wasn’t paying attention when she said “Ian, you have such a pretty smile” and i replied with “thanks, i know.” she then walked away abruptly, and moments later i realized what i said

curiously-b2 · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making an omelette just a couple days ago:

Cracked the eggshell open. Dumped egg white and yolk down the sink. Put shells in bowl on the counter. Stirred broken shells.

I got very confused as to why the egg was making such a weird sound as it stirred... And then my SO came into the kitchen and started laughing her ass off. :)

ProdigiousPotato · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my shorts in the toilet which was right next to the clothes basket, and then had to yell to my mom like an idiot to help me fish it out. I was like 8

redheadedmandy · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a huge HOA in Northern Virginia, and as summer hire, dealing with thousands of people getting pool passes was one of my primary duties. After the summer ended, if o was caught off guard with a phone call, I'd answer "Hi, you've reached HOA, redheadedmandy speaking, can I assist you in getting a pool pass today?"

LunaWater · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When pumping gas for my mom I was trying for an even number. I was so close and JUST missed it.

Out loud I'm like "DANG IT, NO!"

Another guy on the pump next to mine just laughed at me.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove home and survived

mw291 · 1 points · Posted at 03:42:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my old gym the men's locker room was always on the right side. One day early in the morning at my new gym I was on autopilot and walked into the locker room on the right. I didn't notice there were no urinals but I went to take a shit anyways. On the way out, I see women getting changed and I freaked the fuck out. Nothing ever happened to me but it haunts me to this day

akbdayruiner · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got off a 18hr shift at a grocery store and headed to a drive in for lunch. Loud speaker pops on and the lady asks "hi welcome to Yellow and Red Burger Place, what would you like today?". Without missing a beat I respond with "are you finding everything ok?" We both were completely confused for about a minute and a half.

sq07rf · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working night shift in ICU. Last one to join some others in the staff room with beds setup for a short snooze (usually get an hour or two of sleep on a 12 hour shift). Got my shoes off and started taking off my pants, until I realized I'm not at home and quickly looked around to see if anyone was staring at me with a wtf expression on their face. Luckily they were already asleep

TPC-MinhVu · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a waiter at a local restaurant as a second job. I was really tired one morning (finished my previous shift at another job at 1AM), and so far the restaurant had been almost empty so I got pretty sleepy (auto-pilot ON). An Uber order came in, the driver picked it up, and instead of sayin the ol' reliable "Have a good one m8", I went with the one I use for dine-in customers "Enjoy! :)". At this point I myself cringed so hard I could only stood still and give off that awkward smile.

He looked at me in the eyes for 1 second, smile back and left me hollow inside.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger, I stood in front of the garbage can in the kitchen and almost began to pee in it before I realized I wasn't in the bathroom.

imessedup6 · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Usually stationed to take the orders at the drive thru. One day, was stationed to work the front counter instead. After taking an order say "Please drive up to the window".

Bman4500 · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into the women's room at work on Wednesday. It didn't help a women was following me in. I turned around and she stared at me, I apologized and walked out like nothing happened.

needausernameyo · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I saw a car like mine coming the other way and go oh look there’s (me in) my car, before I realised 😂

htbluesclues · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was paying with a portable card machine and I grabbed it out of the cashier's hand to rip out the receipt.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid I had a kit Kat bar and instead of throwing the wrapper in the bin I threw the chocolate in the bin. This was a school. I was about 10-11 I cried a little.

greendragon73 · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took the kids to dancing class. Got to class but forgot to pick up kids from school. 20mins later I find my two 7 year olds waiting at deserted school for their mother of the year.

Dragon15486 · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day, while driving to school in the morning, I stopped at a green light thinking it was red. I was fully stopped for a solid few seconds until the cars behind me in the other lane passed me.

BrokenArmsNetflix · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a teenager I had a major problem sleep walking. One night my parents were up with some friends in the kitchen and I had a dream that I had some delicious ice cream available with no bowl and no spoon. So without waking I walked all the way to the kitchen and grabbed a bowl and spoon. I didn’t respond to my parents or guests but on the way out my dad grabbed my shoulders (wtf?) to wake me up and I got so panicked and confused that I pissed myself. I then remembered that I had ice cream in my room and then remembered it was all a dream. Good times.

R0T0N · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the phone to my mum, we'd both just got back from a long day and hadn't talked in a while so we wanted to have a nice long catch up. She wants to know the password to something or other, and I remark "I don't know it off the top of my head, but I've got a note of it on my phone." To which she replies: "okay go get your phone then and tell me."

What then proceeds is 30 odd minutes of us talking over the phone, whilst I search the house repeatedly, slowly getting more and more irritated, for my phone. After a while we came to the conclusion I should just text her the password when I find it, and I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket.

As soon as it entered my pocket I realized exactly what had happened and I'm pretty sure I laughed for a solid 5 minutes. I then called her back and told her about that (and the password she needed) and asked why she didn't tell me, turns out she didn't put two and two together either, so I guess we were both on auto-pilot pretty hard.

succymyzuccy · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i was sitting at the table with a bowl of goldfish crackers and a jug of milk and i accidentally poured the milk into the goldfish instead of a cup that was a sad day

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:43:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My professor in undergrad, his assistant, my friends in undergrad, and I were having dinner at a restaurant. We ordered dishes with parsley as garnishes. After finishing our food, my professor's assistant, who sits across the person beside me, left her parsley untouched. Without saying anything I reached out and grabbed the parsley from her plate and ate it because I was used to doing this at home (not in a rude way but we really just happen to do this at home). Everyone looked at me and there was a second of silence until I realized what I did. I said sorry and we all laughed it off.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropped a "that's what she said" in the middle of a work meeting.

Sadly it was with the serious people, did not go down well

f1lfy · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A lady that I used to work with was on the phone to one of our clients and the call was coming to an end and then she said "bye, love you" and hung up the phone. After that happened she freaked out and called them back and apologized and said I don't love you and they had a laugh about it. I was just sitting next to her laughing, it was awesome.

kevinaud · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend still makes fun me for the time in college when we had been studying for our physics final and I tried to check what time the test was by typing "what time is my physics test" in to Google

heyyoheyyoheyyo · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On a road trip when the WiFi goes out of range, I regularly do a mental double take noticing we can still talk.

MikeOxbigg · 1 points · Posted at 03:44:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally peed in the shower while in there with my girlfriend. It was after a night of drinking, and I was pretty dehydrated that morning so she noticed because it was a fairly vibrant color.

I thought it was funny. She didn't.

WafflesAndCuddles · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my door not with my door key but by repeatedly pressing the unlock on my car key fob. Took three unlocks before realizing it wasn't working

Glacie44 · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i walk to work and so i wear different clothes and then change into my uniform in the bathroom when i get there, and you have no idea how many times i take my bra off like i think i'm going to bed

hobbithobbithobbit · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a meeting with a professor and at the end of the meeting, I said thank you and goodbye and then went up to hug him. It was an instinct from family gatherings and my mind was busy thinking about my research project and I didn’t realize what I was doing until I was mid-hug. He laughed but I was mortified.

BrokenFriendship2018 · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said I love you to a first date at the end of the night like she was my mom

RhenCarbine · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drinking from a straw while tilting it as if to sip from the edge of the cup.

mrevergood · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While falling asleep mid-conversation one evening in bed with my SO...she started asking me questions about how tired I was just to mess with me.

I kept answering with “my lawyer has advised me not to answer that”...and just started making up bullshit case law to cite why my “lawyer” wouldn’t want me answering that question until I was asleep and just mumbling nonsense.

She took video and showed me the next morning. I got a good chuckle out of it.

hardkid25 · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rolling a joint..

Ranger_Danger_5 · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was paying for some sword cleaner at the Rennaisance Festival using a credit card. The vendor held up the reader for me to sign, and I automatically put my thumb on the screen as though it would scan my thumbprint. It took a few awkward seconds of me staring blankly at him before he asked what the hell I was doing.

Zumvault · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was exhausted from pulling four shifts in a row with a 8 hour break in the middle that was interrupted by three separate call outs lasting about an hour and a half each. In my sleepy stupor I had to take a piss and walked into the men's room, closed the door and then whip out my willy, as I did I realised I was standing in front of the trash can and had to audibly say to myself "Don't piss in the trashcan, that's not what they're for..." before skittering sideways to to the urinal like a crab.

TheFarfigschiter · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I poured myself a glass of orange juice. Except it was a bowl not a glass

bulldog521521 · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone with ADD, I'm always doing dumb shit while in autopilot. My entire life pretty much consists of me zoning out in the middle of an activity and either completely forgetting what I was doing or going into autopilot and doing something that makes no sense.

Can't tell you how many times I've put the milk somewhere other than the fridge and literally put it there and started walking away before I realized what I did. There was one time I was making a pizza and I had just poured a glass of milk. I go to put the milk away but instead I put it on a baking sheet and got halfway to putting it in the oven. The sad thing is that the thing that made me realize what I was doing was that I saw that I had already put the pizza in and I was like, Wait, there's already a pizza in there?? Who did that???? Oh, shit.

vaypon97 · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once me and a friend that I used to room with at my university were walking back to my new room on campus. I instinctly went to grab the lobby door while he instinctly put his key fob up to the scanner. It took us a few seconds to realize what was going on after it beeped and didn't unlock.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex was taking a shower as I went in to use the bathroom. Had one of those setups where the shower gets scalding hot if you flush.

So after her explicitly yelling "don't flush!" like 3 times, what does this guy go and do seconds after saying "don't worry"?

You guessed it.

TripleScoops · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was playing a game on my 3DS and I got to a part where I didn't need the stylus anymore, so I went to put it away. I must've thought: "put the stylus in the hole." Then I realized I was putting the stylus in my ear, my ear.

Dorito_Consomme · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So when I was in the sixth grade, there was this wretched little girl named Laurie. She was a just this horrible little bitch who used to bully me, I hated her so goddamn much. After a particularly public assault from her during recess I was sitting in class on autopilot mode just thinking about how much I truly hated her. Just then the teacher calls on me to answer a question, the only word to escape my mouth was “Laurie”. Immediately the class erupts into hysterical laughter. The blood rose to my cheeks, I realized the extent of my fuck up. I then turned around to face the subject of my undoing. There she was with the most disgusted look on her face, probably equally embarrassed as I was. The class continued to laugh for at least two minutes before the teacher interjected. For the rest of the school year everyone would suggest that Laurie and I are in love and K.I.S.S.I.N.G us which only made us hate each other more. To this day, it’s by far the most embarrassed I’ve ever been and sometimes still makes me cringe.

CatPoint · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just put in a load of laundry, went upstairs and started dreaming out when I sat down that I had forgotten my phone in my pants.

It was in the lamp on my desk where I sat down...

GiraffeNinja6 · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just switched jobs not too long ago and for a stint, I take the same route to my new job as I did for my old one. I get on the entrance to a highway, and then curve off and go on a bridge over said highway instead of on it.

One morning, I'd woken up 5 minute before I was meant to punch in, so I jumped in my car and drove onto the entrance ramp.....and right onto the highway! I didnt notice until I was already two exits down, so I was very late for work.

WilhelmScreams · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up, took a shower, drove to work (5 min) and noticed the parking lot was unusually empty. It was 12am, I didn't work until 6. I managed to get a few hours more sleep at least.

Purple5527 · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I have a hamster who is my favorite pet. She's literally like having a little dog, so cuddly.

My boyfriend and his friend were playing the video game Red Dead in their basement and I fell asleep on the couch. I drempt that I was holding my hamster and that I set her down and misplaced her. I woke up screaming "WHERE IS MARIGOLD I SET HER DOWN WHERE DID SHE GO?!" And it took me a good 5 second the realize it was a dream.

PmMeFemdomHentai · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once poured soda onto my plate and ketchup into my cup.

jm_hadley · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ducked when a pigeon flew too close to the windshield. I was driving, with other people inside the car, who proceeded to question my whole existence.

darkaurora84 · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend's best friend was over and he was sitting beside me. It was late and I instinctively started to put my foot on his thinking it was boyfriend. He gave me a weird look and I just acted like I didn't realize where my foot was. My boyfriend and I are a same-sex couple and his friend is very straight

haydawg8 · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened tonight.

I closed down the register at my work, hand-counting a deposit that was just cash and checks worth $8,500 ( usually the deposit is 100-500) and I got done with it, then just in autopilot clocked out when I was done. I got up and got my stuff, then was like *oh God, did I clock out?" And my coworker laughed at me and said yes

Its_just_Meh · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More often than not, when I go to get into my friends cars, I will try to unlock it with my car key fob. The only thing that’s worse is when I try to lock or unlock my house with my car key fob and then stand there waiting to hear the click.

MissEmmaLeeA · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working the drive through at Chick-fil-a and the radio was set to a Christian station. I greeted a car with “Thank you for choosing Jesus.”

SLynch0000 · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hate when water gets in my mouth in the shower so I’m constantly spitting in the shower. The turned into spitting into running sinks when I wash my hands for some reason. However, I once was running a load of wash, leaned my head in, and spit directly into the washing machine. Running water makes my saliva glands act up I guess.

SpaceyBakedBean · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put shaving cream on my sons toothbrush and almost brushing my teeth.

PM_ME_UR_PEEEN · 1 points · Posted at 03:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I couldn't remember if milk or orange juice was supposed to go on cereal. Poured orange juice on my cereal. I wasn't quite awake yet, but at least I didn't put the milk in the bowl before the cereal like a monster.

tristantates · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In 3rd grade, I (girl) blew a kiss at my teacher (man). When asking for anything growing up, my dad would always say"Okay, but it'll cost ya" and ask for a kiss on the cheek. Mr. Copeland said the same thing one day, and without thinking I said "mmmmmmwah" with a kissy sound in front of the whole class. I turned so red.

Joseph_Saucier · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always touch my pocket every so often to make sure I don't lose the keys to the car I drive. So one day while I was driving down the highway and I decided to do that check, and panicked when I found they were missing. I started stressing about how mad my dad would be since I lost the only pair of keys to the car. Minutes later I realized they were in the ignition. :|

Another time is when I was getting ready for bed and was talking to my brother and I pop off the top of my deodorant, and the moment I stop on autopilot is when I realized I had the deodorant in mouth. My brother still gives me shit over that one.

Facilius · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Slowly became friends with a female coworker (am male) and a mutual friend to us- another coworker- always freestyle raps to us.

Anyway, while texting with the former yesterday, I said the following in separate messages: "When we gonna hang" "Gang bang" Yikes.

enty_kate812 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My freshman year of college, I was on autopilot in the cafeteria mid-September. I thought to myself I should call my mom since it was her birthday, so like a good daughter I immediately called her with an enthusiastic birthday wish. My mom’s birthday is in July. She thanks me and then asked if I was okay

TossedWordSalad · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked out of Target and got into my greenish-blue Taurus. Was shocked to find a 10-or-so-year-old kid sitting in the passenger seat. He looked as shocked to see me as I was to see him. I was just about to yell at him for being in my car, because, of course it was my car - who else has a greenish-blue Taurus?- when I looked around and saw a lot of stuff I didn’t recognize in the cup holders and on the dashboard. I realized that I had gotten into the wrong car and, without a word to the kid, left and proceeded to my own car which was a little further down the aisle.

pottsy_0 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had two curried eggs in my lunch and I dropped one on the ground, picked it up, and got the other one out to eat that instead. Two minutes later I looked down, and the one I hadn't dropped was still in my hand. I'd eaten the one with dirt in it without even realising.

Coddy93 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After serving a customer in work I handed them their receipt and said "Could you enter your pin please?"...

MrPoopyButthole1984 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking home from work walked into the same wrong apartment twice about 2 weeks apart.

Litaita · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fell asleep inside the car while waiting for my mom (passanger's seat). She shows up and knocks on the window, I wake up and instantly turn on the car. She laughed the whole way back home lol.

Kinser9 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had come from the hospital from having my first baby. I got up in the night to make a bottle and made myself a peanut butter sandwich. The next morning, we found the bread had mold on it. I was so exhausted I didn't even notice the difference.

trichdude15 · 1 points · Posted at 03:47:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long night of studying I couldn’t plug my charger into my phone. I flipped the cord around and tried every possibility. When I woke up I found my glasses there and realized that’s what I had tried to plug in.

NotAnyOrdinaryPsycho · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I put my Winnebago on autopilot and went into the back to mix some martinis. Ended up accidentally giving one to my dog. He got so smashed - you should have seen him. Loved old Barf.

hipcatcoolcap · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to tell the dogs guard the house when I left. It was a month after we had to put them down my wife told me I was still doing it.

I still catch myself saying it every so often.

LOTR4eva1 · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was mandated at the store I used to cashier at to ask a customer if they were a part of our rewards program or else we could get punished. One day, it’s the holiday season, I’m on our 10 of a supposed-to-be-8 hour shift and I asked the same customer 4 times in a single transaction if she was a part of the rewards program. Just completely forgot it was the same order after scanning barcodes all day nonstop. After the 3rd time she asked if I was okay, and on the 4th she looked genuinely concerned as if I was suffering a brain hemorrhage; nah, just retail.

Solid_State_Soul · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years ago I was writing a check out to Pizza Hut. Instead of writing Pizza Hut, I wrote Pizza Slut.

The2ndGen · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going to a Catholic school all my life, I was eventually able to go entire church services on autopilot because what little kid wants to listen to an old guy preach when they could be having epic space battles in their head??

Anyway, one service we were supposed to stay kneeled for an extra amount of time. Started standing up and going through the motions of getting my hymnal to start singing. Wasn't till my friend elbowed me did I notice I was the only one standing up in a church of over a hundred people. Still haunts me to this day, but not as bad as the time I fell asleep as one of the altar boys.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was starting my morning routine with some cereal, grabbed the milk, cereal, bowl, did the deed and then ended up putting the milk in the cereal cupboard and the cereal in the fridge and walked away. 2 minutes later I was like “oh whoops” and that’s how I saved my milk from inevitable doom.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work I was changing a cord cap on a 480V extension cord. First thing in the morning, 5am or so. I was supposed to swap the cord caps on each end to 240v caps in order to be able to use this extension cord for a machine that took 240v.

I grabbed the end of the extension cord and set to work doing something I’ve done a million times. Loosened the four screws holding the cap to the cord, loosened the four screws holding each wire in place, went to pull the plug end off the cord and #BANG!

Blinding white flash and a pop like a gun going off in my ear.

Yeah, always make sure your shit’s unplugged before messing with electrical stuff. Especially high voltage. I definitely caught the immediate attention of everyone within 50ft of me. Humiliation and near death experiences are definitely effective learning tools.

amoboi · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My whole life

JokersGal08 · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My SO and I tell each other to hush or shut up when we cough or sneeze. A girl in my class sneezed. You can imagine what happened next..

NikkiNothing597 · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to religiously attend a weekly goth dance club, and my go to boots had 5 inch heels. One week I decided to wear flat combat boots, and when I stepped out of my car I stumbled and fell over. It felt like the ground sunk 5 inches under my heel.

MoeKushnaw · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Honestly came here thinking it’s gonna be a bunch of pilots talking about silly things they did in the cabin... I gets that’s ironically one

herbilicious92 · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently left my job at the local bottle shop for a gig with a federal minister of the Australian parliament. On one of my first days there the phone rang in the boss’s office I was the only one there so I picked it up and answered “thanks for calling first choice liquor this ___ speaking” then a long pause ensued until I realised what I said, I apologised to the caller who happened to be the PM who was calling to speak to my minister. I’ve never felt stupider or more embarrassed lucky for me though we change PMs so often that I never had to speak to him again!

YourEatingThatWrong · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to do this a lot, but whenever I get stressed at work I always take my glasses off. Lately I’ve been wearing my contacts so there has been several times I’ve tried to take off my glasses that are not there.

cocolacosta · 1 points · Posted at 03:48:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My worst was while I was stuffing 500 bags with flyers and swag for an event... 2 hours later I realized I couldn't find the remote for my sound bar... Had to look through about 300 bags before I found it.

gubenlo · 1 points · Posted at 03:49:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mother is easily startled. Once when I woke up I heard her making breakfast in the kitchen (which was adjacent to my room).

While opening the door, I knocked on it so that I wouldn't frighten her by suddenly being behind her.

My dumbass morning brain heard my own knocking and I immediately said "come in".

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I tried to staple someone’s change to their product bag and handed them the receipt.

uoYredruM · 1 points · Posted at 03:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working two jobs years ago after my first son was born. Would open at one job then drive straight over to the other job and work until 7-8pm. One day I was driving from the first job to the second and I almost got t-boned by a car at an intersection. I got all fired up like "what a fucking idiot, he almost nailed me". Come up to the next light, same thing. Two cars honking at me, almost nailed me. I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK?!".

...I realized I ran two red lights in a row. I was so embarrassed. I was just so burnt out and tired and I completely didn't realize it initially.

ZigZagZugZen · 1 points · Posted at 03:51:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh, this is not Tesla related?

cosmic_condiments · 1 points · Posted at 03:51:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I park a rental car I slam my leg down a few times (to apply the emergency brake) a few times until I realize that it's a hand brake. I look very silly doing it

Icecream_sunday · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried unlocking the door to my house to go outside with my car keys. Wasn’t the first time I did that.

PrincessBabyMuffin · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go through bouts of insomnia, and at this point had only slept a few hours total over the past three nights. Had a really long day at work, finally decided to go home around 8pm. My employer provides free rideshare credits to cut down on parking congestion, so I scheduled a Lyft and went home. Get home, immediately freak out and think my car has been stolen. Called the police. As soon as they answer, I suddenly realize I had driven to work that day - my car was still there. That was fun to explain.

ianfabs · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So the first week of college was when i discovered alcohol, and my friends and i would drink furiously every night. We had just finished two handles (pretty quickly) and i really had to pee. So i tell everyone i’m going to the bathroom, and precede to leave the room. now i don’t exactly remember what happened, but when i came back my friend was like “oh good, you’re back, i really have to piss” and left. He returned almost immediately and angrily exclaimed to the room “I’m so fucking heated dude, somebody pissed in the sink in there” and i’m like 83% positive that it was me.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate all the giant rasberries on a cake without realizing they where on a cake

Aloysius7 · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to gas station, on cell with someone, walk in hand cash to cashier, go out and leave before pumping gas.

Went back 10 minutes later and he looked at me like I was crazy.

Jemtha · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying thank you to my SO's mother WHILE handing over a cake I bought.

FML.

catladyrach49 · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have two, both involving makeup.

1) as a sophomore in high school, I got up, got ready and went to school. When I got in the car with my dad to go home, I looked into the mirror for the first time that day.... in my funk that morning, I had completely neglected to put any eyeliner or mascara on one eye. I walked around school ALL DAY with one made up eye and one naked one. No one said anything.

2) when I was in college, I was deliriously tired from working constantly and taking way too many hours at school. In the middle of my morning makeup routine, I picked up something I thought was blush and put it all over my face. It was mascara. I just stood there blinking for about a minute trying to figure out what was wrong with my face. The black smudges all over my cheeks... that’s what was wrong.

Itstimeforthemomo · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While talking on the phone with my friend I’ll look around frantically for my cell phone. I’ve done this many times.

pm_me_butt_stuff_rn · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brought a delicious plate of spaghetti topped with even more delicious sauce to my bedroom only to accidentally just toss the plate onto my bed to where t spills all over my blankets and sheets

KoldProduct · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I answered the phone at my call center job and said "Thank you for calling [Company], this is Stupid, how can i help you?"

It was completely by mistake and my legal name is not stupid according to all available documents.

The customer noticed.

shenyougankplz · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always wash my toothbrush to make sure no toothpaste is on it. When I got braces, I had to switch to an electric toothbrush.

I go on autopilot and start running the water on it while it's still plugged in and running, not thinking about the electricity

brabbit1990 · 1 points · Posted at 03:52:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Security: Good Morning

Me: I'm doing well, take care.(drive away)

5 minutes later I realize and have a nice laugh. Happens quite often actually lol.

BootsyCollins123 · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Five years of marriage

Bigtaco91 · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dad asked where his phone was at, he had it on his hand the whole time.

elsani · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought lunch at work with the intention of eating it for dinner. Sat down with coworkers to socialize. Out of habit I grab everyone's dirty garbage including my lunch and throw it out. I paid to throw out food.

Echospite · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I put half a jar of mayo on my sandwich because my brain forgot to tell my hands to stop.

sarahdawnn · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was waiting at a red light to turn left. I was dazed and looking into the distance. No cars around except the person beside me waiting on the same light. For some reason I thought it turned green in my peripheral, so I advanced into the intersection. I guess because no one was around, I wasn’t paying much attention to my surroundings. Suddenly I’m half way through my turn and I see the glaring red light and the person that was beside me is still at the stop line. I screamed out loud and slammed on the gas. I was lucky no one was around, and I’m sure the guy beside me got a good laugh.

thatbooknook · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I stop at intersections with traffic lights... when the light is green.

inenraged · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Realized that i left a full tupperware out on the counter went back to the kitchen, picked up the container and walked all the way outside of my apartment to the garbage room and stood in the room for a minute before understanding why my fridge wasn't there.

Dijiwolf1975 · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my sandwhich in the fridge and walked into the living room with the jar of mayonnaise.

DaddyRytlock · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just halfa ago i locked my keys in my boot

Prixm · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Streaming for 10+ hours and picking my nose really really well while people where watching. Atleast I didnt eat it, right? Lol.

pizzaguy87 · 1 points · Posted at 03:53:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a retail store. On my lunch break, I ran over to the grocery store across the street to pick up something to eat. I was about 3 people in when I realized I was saying, "Hi are you finding everything okay?", while I was speed walking thru the place.

misterdonut21 · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moved to a new house. Drove to my old house after work at least a dozen times.

doc-spaceman · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was changing the trap under my kitchen sink, I had all of the drain pipes off underneath the sink and i put a large bowl underneath to catch all the water and gunk that came out of it. Once the bowl was filled and the drain was now done emptying out, I stood up and dumped the bowl down into the kitchen sink that had no drain pipe attached to it. It made a huge mess so I got some towels, cleaned everything up, stood up and turned the faucet on to wash my hands in the very same kitchen sink. Got some more towels and thought about what an idiot I am.

BigBlue923 · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That must be some good weed.

RuggedSauce47 · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I make pancakes from almost every Monday for me and my room mates and a couple of them have 8 am classes so I get up early enough to have them ready for them too and I find myself wasting more eggs than I’d like to admit cracking them into the trash then putting the empty shell in to the mixing bowl

jakche · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving about 30 mins of 1 hour drive, while looking at the gps on my smart phone (on the dashboard) and I thought I forgot my phone somewhere went back from where I started driving looked for my phone everywhere and when I wanted to call my friends to tell them that I lost it it clicked to me that I had it on my dashboard the whole time showing my map.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was doing this play in front of the entire class and when we were done, everyone started clapping for us. Since we were a close group of friends & had put alot of effort into it, we got pretty emotional and started hugging each other on the success of it. I was standing next to the teacher's table and ended up hugging the supervisor. I also patted him on the back and slid my hand up his right shoulder, resting my arm on him. The entire class froze in silence and that was enough to knock me back to my senses and realize what I just did. Thankfully, the supervisor was a cool sport about it and laughed it off and the entire class had a good laugh that day.

One thing I should mention is that our supervisor at the time was this angry young man whom everyone was drop-dead afraid of.

xilopryce · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally happened today. I was on hold with the post office, 15 minutes into the holding music. I was using wireless headphones because no one wants to hear my call and holding the phone to my face for the estimated 40 minutes is not fun. Coworker asks me a question and instinctively I paused my music.

redqueen_barber · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im a barber I asked a bald man who came for his beard if we needed to wash his hair.

firmabs6pk · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on the phone with my best man's girlfriend getting things squared away for the wedding. Auto-pilot told her "alright, love you sweetie, bye bye". My fiancee was sitting right next to me... Doh!

endemolash · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Must have done this at least 5 times. - card in ATM - enter PIN number - press withdraw - enter amount - press ok - cash comes out - card comes out - take card - walk away with no money

allysoncheynes · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

have you gone back and gotten it?

drunk_sober · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the airport in line to get past the security clearance and you have to take your belt and shoes off. So when it was time, I took my shoes off and then my belt. Then I started taking my pants off and was halfway through taking my shirt off - but thankfully my friend was like "WTF" and stopped me

SlickBlackCadillac · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was walking in a parking lot at my job, walked right into a parked car. A guy at a neighboring business totally saw it. Tried to play it off by leaning against it like it was my car. Then realized he probably knew whose car it was...may have been his even

allysoncheynes · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

that would of been hilarious if he like unlocked it as you were leaning on it

antarcticgecko · 1 points · Posted at 03:54:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wife’s water broke after I’d had two hours of sleep. I went to go get lunch after there was a lull, when we were just waiting for the c section. When they handed my food to me I just said “thank” and couldn’t remember what else to say so I walked away.

ReadAsSarcasm · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a web developer. I spend 8+ hours a day on the web in some form or another. I don't know how many times I've googled Google. Or worse, googled Google.com so that I could Google something.

YippieKiAy · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last summer my wife and I bought my childhood home from my parents and moved in. As a kid I lived upstairs in the loft, but once we bought the place and moved in we took the bigger bedroom downstairs. For the first couple months it was common for me to come out of the shower, or walk in the door from work, etc., and just head upstairs out of habit.

Took me a while to reprogram my stupid lizard brain, but now I know where my bed is again so we're good.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok I have 2. Last year around this time I was pushing a cart through Target and needed to turn down an aisle. I tried to turn on my “turn signal.”

Also sometimes when I’m typing at work, I’ll hit the space bar twice in attempt to type a period.

GreatFrostHawk · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nearly drank from my FILTHY "dirty water" painting cup instead of reaching for my NEON GREEN Contigo water bottle full of nice cool water. This has happened more times that I'd care to admit, but never once (yet) have I actually taken a legitimate swig.

letsgetnachos · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended a call at work with “bye, love you!”

(I did not love them.)

hungryfarmer · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh God I'm the worst about this kind of stuff...

Earlier this week I had agreed to drop my dog off at daycare before work (normally wife does that on the way to her work but had to get there early). So I load up the dog, get his food for the day packed up to bring with him and head out. About 35 minutes later as I'm pulling up to work, I hear a bark in the back seat. Had to double back to the daycare that's about 5 minutes from my house and ended up getting to work 1.5 hours late..

A few others I can think of off the top of my head:

Tried to unlock/lock my door with my car keys on numerous occasions.

Drove home to the apartment I used to live in.

Called several teachers mom (which was even worse since my mom worked at the school).

Once I told the lady at the post office the address I needed to send to. Except I forgot the street. And the city. And zip. I literally just spit out 4 numbers and figured she would figure it out from there.

oting13 · 1 points · Posted at 03:55:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Have a good flight!” “You too!”

disend · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

was completely zoned out during a school morning and was really tired at the time and spit right in the hallway.

loklanc · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I was ordering a slice of pizza, the lady gave it to me and said "here you go, enjoy", and I replied "thanks, you too".

Head down, tail between legs, I got out of there fast.

drewscott12 · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We use badge scanners to move in and out of doors at our office. After a long day I tried to use my badge to unlock my car door.

derpytrashpanda · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock the apartment door diagonally across from mine. Start panicking thinking something is wrong with my keys and quickly dart back to my door when I realized my mistake. Stay up at night embarrassed thinking my neighbour was watching the whole time through the peephole.

Leezakins01 · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh this is wonderful, just happened to me yesterday.

Had a super early shift at a mall, I work at a kiosk. Helped the customer find all the stuff they needed for Christmas gifts, check them out at the register, all that good stuff. He proceeds to thank me for my help, says that I was wonderful. I, in my sleepy stupor, with three or four different responses running through my mind, say nothing it return. Just stare at him, dead in the eye. Dude clearly became uncomfortable, shot the "...okayyy..." Look, and started walking away. As he's walking away, back turned, I realized I had said NOTHING to this man, and shouted "HAVE A GREAT DAY!!" with a big smile on my face.

...he did not turn around.

joffrian · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

once when i was about 4 or 5 years old, i was really sleepy and had to pee, and at that moment, i thought the garbage in the kitchen was the toilet (they’re both where we put waste in, right?) and of course, i peed in it. mom was not happy.

thorabella · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some of these have me wondering if they were on auto pilot or intoxicated? Lol

LastKookies · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to a country where they drive of the opposite side of the road. While trying to take a taxi from the train station to my hotel I instinctively went and open the door to the driver side front seat (passenger side for where I came from) and got so confused when I saw another person in it. It took me five seconds before I notice what I've done.

To my defence, I was exhausted after a long trip.

We had a good laugh afterwards.

BigBlue923 · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going with my best friends husband to get her an xmas gift. We leave pretty early in the morning the saturday before xmas, I suggest we stop and get some coffee or I am not going to make it. We go by the coffee shop traffic is slow, there is a line and no where to park. So we decide I am going in and he will go around the block and pick me up. I run in get the goods, I come out and he is back, I jump in the car, and I see in the back there is a big wrapped box with a bow, and all at one time this man starts screaming at me for me to get out of his car just as I am asking how the heck did you get something so fast and the car behind us is laying on the horn. This dude is literally pushing me out like he is on fire, I am obviously in the wrong car, and my friend is right behind us. We laughed about that all day. I bet that driver did to when he got his shit back together.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:56:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher ‘mom’.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just been beyblading with my sister for a good 40 minutes or so. Before we spun our beyblades into a round oven pan we would count down from 3 to 1. Then the phone rang.

I started the conversation with "3..2..1".

civilpanda · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I would wake up and take a shower. Multiple times I woke up in the dead of night convinced I was running late, take my shower, then get back to my room only to realize it was 3 am.

ytpec2good4u · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Embarassing I saw my parents have s#x

AlexInOnederland · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I entered my employee number instead of my apartment gate code after a long day once.

milkmedaddy1 · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was starting my relationship with my then gf and as we were starting to get heated she asked me how I’m feeling. I hit her with an ,”I’m bored” and she busted up laughing at me

Jod3s · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working in the supermarket, a customer came up to my counter and instead of saying “how can I help you?” I blurted out “what’s wrong?”

sushipikachu · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I was wearing a retainer. For some reason in my half-asleep state, I thought that the retainer was gum, so I took it out of my mouth and threw it in the toilet. I quickly realized I just threw my retainer in the toilet, but it was too late at that point. I haven’t worn that retainer since.

origamilover01 · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About once every week or two, I'll go to brush my teeth before bed, get to the bathroom, wash my hands and walk out. I'll be halfway back to my bed before I go "Ah fuck" to myself and go back to brush my teeth.

I've done the handwashing thing twice in a row in one night before.

4EvaStoopid · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but I work at a movie theater and everytime I tell people "Enjoy the movie!" They would say "Thanks you to!". Always gives me a chuckle hearing it

horsecalledwar · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking into work and this awesome sparkly lilac purple old school Bentley was parked in front of the building. I was transfixed and staring at the car but in so much of a hurry that I not only walked straight into the solid glass door of the building but distractedly mumbled ‘excuse me’ to my own reflection. And there were many, many witnesses.

Cmaaak47 · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Taking a piss in the rubbish bin in the kitchen where all my family was

Frodo5213 · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took something out of the microwave I had just heated up and turned to throw it in the trash.

Or was it that I arranged something on a plate TO microwave and then went to put it in the trash instead of the microwave...?

Either way, I felt purdy dumb.

Phrygid7579 · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like everyone has done this, but there are several times in my life where I've called someone "Mom" because my mind wasn't entirely in the conversation.

allysoncheynes · 2 points · Posted at 04:00:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

in school i’d call my teacher mom lol

Phrygid7579 · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fuck that was the first time I did it. Happened like, once every year for 3 years in a row.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk -> toilet

GrimSkey · 1 points · Posted at 03:57:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Since grade school all the way through college I've called most of my female teachers ma.

"Here's your test back Grimskey"

"Oh thanks ma"

summacumlaudekc · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Using my phone flashlight to find my phone. One time I was looking for my phone that I thought I had put down but was in my hand the entire time. Sometimes I’m driving and I space out and forget that I’m driving and wonder how In the hell did I get this far without wrecking into anyone. Last one not really auto pilot but I was just so sleepy in class trying to take notes. Thought I was taking notes the whole time but dozed off and banged my fucking nose on the table and that shit hurt bad and pretty sure everyone heard and saw lmao. Looked down at my paper and it was all scribbles.

BigComfyCouch · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've worked in restaurants the past 11 years. Its pretty common to say "behind" when walking past someone to avoid being stabbed or burned unintentionally. The other day, at home, I was walking past my cat and said "behind."

DrRakdos · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just got out of a four year relationship.

I was hanging out with a chick friend of mine and I was just chillen and for some reason I thought she was my ex and I walked up to her and was about to smack her ass, but I stopped right before I did and pulled my hand away from it like a hot stove.

I did not feel good about myself.

DoxIxHAVExTo · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever our dogs are acting up, we do a "Tss, tss!" noise. I do it whenever they howl, because our beagle-mix has an ear-piercing howl that gets on my nerves quickly. Unfortunately, on auto-pilot, I've started doing it towards things that annoy me.

Bug flying by my food? "Tss, tss!"

Pencil breaks? "Tss, tss!"

Something in the way of my view? "Tss, tss!"

Bumbing into something? "Tss, tss!"

Text notification while I'm busy? to my back pocket "Tss, tss!"

It's embarrassing every time, but the one that comes to mind is when I was eating out with friends and one of them stole one of my frenchfries. I was mortified, but she was so caught off guard she actually put the fry back down.

It's gotten to the point that I don't even use words anymore to people. Help me.

biomoose · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured the coffee grounds into the water tank side of the coffee maker..... Thing was never the same again....

livtart · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i work at a fast food restaurant and during peak when i'm talking to people at the speaker and taking money at the same time, i constantly ask people "is paypass ok?". this happens frequently when they hand me cash and they always giggle when i do.

thothpethific92 · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opening an incognito window when attempting to show non-nsfw content to people...fml

DangerBrigade · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I put a shirt on my baby like pants and carried her downstairs to hand her to my wife. I thought my wife and my mom were going to piss themselves.

celicake · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a manager at a retail store. It never fails that when I have a day off and I’m running my errands and I happen to end up in a store and the cashier or an employee will ask me how I’m doing or if I found everything okay I’ll always answer “yes how about yourself? Can I help you today?” It always take me a few seconds to realize what I’m saying and they just laugh along with me. I’ve also caught myself offering my store’s rewards membership to the target cashiers.

cat6Wire · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years ago I had a gig playing digital piano in a band, in an Indian reservation-based casino, outside Tucson. I had played the same tunes for several months now and could stare off blankly while playing my parts.

This casino had one of those huge projection-type tvs, off to one side of the casino floor, this is the mid-90s. Suddenly I realize it's playing Deliverence, and it's that scene, the one where Ned Beatty is getting raped. And no one is batting an eye, all the senior citizens surrounding us don't notice hillbilly rape or our keyboard band, they are just glassy-eyed and repeatedly pulling levers at slot machines.

Then it hits me - "I'm playing piano in a casino full of zombies and Deliverence is on TV".

Good times.

PhysicalEd · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened a pack of sugar and immediately started pouring it in the trash. Right in front of my girls friends coworker.

ikilledtupac · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked to garbage can with a trash bag and my lunch bag.

Threw them both in the trash.

BigBlue923 · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have been trying to do the bring your own bags thing for while now. Recently took out the trash and remembered to bring my grocery bags with. Got to the store, no bags. Huh. Driving home I have this memory flash of throwing everything I took with me to the garbage can. Lo and behold I had thrown the bags with the garbage and also the knife I just got on Amazon to have in my car for an emergency. Glad they were all still there.

ikilledtupac · 1 points · Posted at 04:12:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dozens of us!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bumped into a display and said “OH JEEZ” in the loudest, midewestern way possible in a crowded store.

NathamelCamel · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told a pretty funny joke while flying a plane

levitch5 · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going through the security line at the airport. Took my hat off, my jacket, my shoes, my belt... unbuckled my pants started pulling them off. Didn’t realize until I saw my blue boxers what I was doing. Hopefully none saw, but I’m sure I was all over cameras.

hkline76 · 1 points · Posted at 03:58:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just yesterday I made a call on my work phone while I had my cell phone in my hand. I then put my cell phone up to my ear and took me a good 10 seconds to figure out why I wasn't hearing the ring tone.

bridgekit · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was scanning all of this lady's purchases a little tired and having a conversation. We sell travel mugs and right in the middle of all her stuff is a travel mug so I tried to scan it. The tags are on the bottom so I reflexively flipped it upside down before noticing it was way too heavy to be empty. Cue me pouring some lady's ice tea all over myself and the counter. Luckily she was a good sport about it lol

SinistarIsHungry · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled up to the drive thru, ordered, paid, thanked them when they gave me my debit card back, drove away without my food. Was too embarrassed to go back.

lilmorphinannie · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grade school volleyball. Positioned to serve. As soon as my hand connects with the ball, I yelled out MINE and fucked up my serve. 👌🏻

One_Has_Lepers · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to my mom's house instead of my own house after a really stressful day yesterday.

She lives only 12 minutes from me, but I haven't lived there or even taken that route to get there in over ten years.

cebeezly82 · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let a 50 thousand dollar seeing eye dog out the door to pee without supervision to dget a beer after 1 hrs at college and work bastard was running the hood for hrs. Opened the door in the morn and there he was muddy as hell smelling like a dumpster after shredding neghbors trash fora confirm Ed 2 miles 12 years old and still does the shit love him but he's got me in trouble a lot, his nose and curiosity are too much. Like marly and me for sure.

BlackEyedBroad · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve almost thrown my clothes into the Dustbin instead of the laundry basket multiple times. Always catch myself in time though.

biomoose · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opened a box of kraft dinner and poured the noodles and cheese mix(still in the packet) in to the boiling pot all at once... Fail

dumbass-D · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the women’s room in the airport while looking at my phone. I am male. Looked up from my phone and clearly looked embarrassed as multiple women laughed at me during my escape

skwishy29 · 1 points · Posted at 03:59:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured a bowl of eggnog and only snapped out of it when I was done

aubsome · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I asked my client who had bilateral below the knee amputation when his next podiatrist appointment was.

bendomol · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pressing buttons on my car's key fob to try to open my front door.

catsnbootsncats · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my coworker babe. That was a weird day.

alexis-ruth · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a restaurant, one day I was making calls to confirm upcoming reservations. If I don’t get an answer and have to leave a message I usually end it by giving the main number in case they need to call us back. One day on autopilot I was leaving a message and instead of giving the restaurant’s number I started reading the customer’s phone number back to them. I read out pretty much the whole thing before having to stop and say “wait...that’s your number...I’m so sorry...OUR number is xxxxxxxxxx.” I’ve also accidentally started to give my personal cell phone number, but I don’t think I’ve ever recited the whole thing before correcting myself. All I can hope is that somebody got a good laugh listening to that message.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost my daughter in the shopping centre, franticly searching for her

While I was holding her

Microsomal · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Live in Chicago and take the subway all the time. I've ran into the turnstiles forgetting to pay several times now. My subconscious must enjoy bruised thighs

chyed · 1 points · Posted at 04:00:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating dinner with a plastic plate compared to my dad’s regular plate. When I finished, I grabbed the dishes.

Washed the plastic plate and threw the real plate in the trash.

Yes, it shattered.

frecklegirl1 · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the mall when I realized my shoe laces were untied, I was holding my phone so I put it on the floor as I tied my shoe, and as I was doing this I was thinking “this is stupid, I better not forget it” and then I was walking for a solid minute down the hall and started to freak out thinking I left it on the floor, so I ran back into the store I was at just to realize that I was holding my phone.

HereComes_A_Regular · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying, "ok, love you, buh bye" to a customer before hanging up the phone.

WizardBrownbeard · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Joking around making funny voices with friends in class. Teacher calls on me for a question and I forget to switch back to my normal pretty deep voice and answer in the highest pitched, squeaky Chipmunk voice possible about allied military action after D-Day.

He just blinked twice and pretended everything was normal so props to him for playing it off like that.

Indie516 · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have used my phone's flashlight setting to search for my phone more times than I care to admit. Also caught myself just before putting the orange juice container into the laundry hamper the other day. Where was the dirty laundry I had meant to put in there, you ask? I had shoved it into the fridge. Yeah, brain fog from Lupus is fun sometimes.

that_wannaknow_guy · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said hi to a customer as I gave them their groceries instead of wishing them a good day.

ProdesseQuamConspici · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to work on my day off because the first five minutes of the drive were the same as the first five minutes of the drive to the bank, which is where I wanted to go that day.

Kongwenxiu · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cooked spaghetti and instead of straining it, just dumped it all right into the sink...

stinsn · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While driving down I95 i saw a 45 mph speed limit sign and slowed down from going 75. After multiple cars and 18 wheelers passing me the next one I saw I realized actually said 45 mph minimum speed.

Bizrat7 · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After some drinks, I sat down at my brother's computer to show the party a funny thing on the internet. Went strait to Pornhub.

Spooky-Kyd · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During my last finals week I was running on a max of 1.5 hours of sleep each night. The night before my biggest and last exam, I went to the coffee shop in the library and poured the creamer tank down the trash hole instead of in my coffee. I realized what I was doing when someone asked if I was okay lol.

brianw2806 · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I attempted to set my cruise control while stopped at a red light.

konvurs · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time as a young child fishing I was very hungry and tired, somehow thought I was holding cocoouffs and popped some powerbait pellets in my mouth, not very pleasant 4/10.

AyeYoMobb · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ran into the back of a semi truck on the interstate

theakfluffyguy · 1 points · Posted at 04:01:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured a glass of milk then put the milk jug back into the pantry, rather than the fridge.

V3nom4576 · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if it applies but once when I was changing the batteries of my old Xbox 360 controller I misplaced the cartridge while looking for batteries. Spent like 20 minutes looking around the house for it only to realize that it was in my hand the entire time

Thechuz1337 · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had one of those disposable cameras years back on holiday. Took great photos. Then binned the camera while abroad. I got home and then realised I had no way to develop the photos now.

Belwife · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having a conversation with a lady at my church and opened the Chrome tab on my phone to look something up mid-sentence. I automatically typed in xnxx.com out of habit. Didn't realize it until the website loaded. Praying she didn't see as I hastily turned the screen off.

shayniferd · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost always get in my car and drive to work. My Wife and I we're going to the grocery store once and I got all the way to the parking garage before she asked where I was going. I also put shaving cream in my hair in the shower once......

querulousArtisan · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting ready for school. It's five am and I have never been, amd never will be, a morning person. I went to the bathroom, washed up, brushed my teeth, then proceeded to flush my toothbrush down the toilet.

The kicker was we couldn't figure out where my toothbrush went or why the toilet keept clogging for /a month later/, when my mom and her then boyfriend fished up my toothbrush with the sewer snake.

Brightman42 · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going from working at a movie theater to working at a Subway caused me to automatically tell a lot of people to "Enjoy your movie!"

One time two customers freaked out a little because they actually were going to the movies right after lunch. I'm not sure if they thought I was psychic or if they thought I was a spy or something and they were being watched but they flipped out for about 10 seconds until I explained.

In retrospect that might've been high.

exoticnoodle3 · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put a box of cereal in the refrigerator

Capraesque · 1 points · Posted at 04:02:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went into the bathroom to throw a pair of socks into the hamper but lifted the lid of the toilet and threw them in toilet water instead.

liddieskeet · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put sweet-n-low in my soup at lunch.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

eating school lunch

mozzarella breadsticks with dipping sauce

dip cookie in milk carton

milk tastes oddly like tomato sauce

still chewing

wait a minute

ericsreddit123 · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work at Chickfila, and just got done doing the trash. Washed my hands with the gloves still on.

Alcapuke · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started stripping at my University's main library at 3am. I sleep nude and on long study nights I would progressively strip till bed time. This library is open 24 hours and I was working on a project and as I started getting tired i took my shoes off. Fortunately I caught myself at the second sock

MaryFairclough · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don’t know if it was mentioned but driving with a keyless entry car and thinking you left your keys at work/home while driving. Because your keys aren’t there in front of you anymore! Instantly freak out that they’re not here and you have GOT TO HEAD BACK to get them.

So stupid 🤦🏼‍♀️

euphoricdreams990 · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left my hands under a sink for a good minute thinking it was automatic.

elloman13 · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wanted to throw my shirt in the laundry basket and instead threw it in the toilet

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost peed in the kitchen garbage.

Vanitykilllz · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Few years ago when McDonald's was selling their McWraps, I've just finished making one and put in the box to thrown down into the landing zone.. then mistakenly thrown it in the trash.. I'm not sure my manager saw what I had done.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Make it home.

MrsWonderWoman · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend and I went out to a seafood restaurant in the first month we were dating. We ordered a boat load of food, including a bag of seafood with corn on the cob in it. Towards the end of the meal he keep trying to convince me to eat the last piece.

For some reason my brain malfunctioned and I yelled out “CORN!!!” loud enough for the surrounding tables to hear me.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to my old office on my third day of working at a new job. Luckily the offices are close so I wasn't late.

Sid2k16 · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove 30 minutes in the wrong direction while commuting to work. I was driving the route I take to college.

bubahophop · 1 points · Posted at 04:03:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oooh boy, I was listening to music and walked in the same revolving door section as someone else, and tripped over them inside the section as we were turning. They got out very confused and looked at me and ran towards their friend, I felt awful.

Every time I think about it my souls dies a little bit more.

trickedouttransam · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was with my family and my friend after a day at the beach and we're at this shady creepy gas station at like 10pm and I go to use the bathroom, once I finished I wanted to be funny so I did a T-pose walking out of the gas station and then proceeded to accidentally open up a stranger's car door thinking it was my own and a bunch of little kids scream "WHOS HE!?" And I panicked and ran to my car super embarrassed.

Rickokicko · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turned on my phone light I was holding in my hand to help me find my phone in the dark.

herdingnerds · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying I love you at the end of conference calls. Maybe I say I love you too much, but my vendors really like it.

CatLineMeow · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was, I believe (hope?), caused by my allergies flaring up one day, but I went in to the grocery to get a few things, which turned into getting a lot of things, and when I got out I realized I didn't have my key. I searched everywhere, in all my pockets and I even retraced much of my route in the store - nothing. I'm starting to get really stressed out so I decide to just go sit by the car and call my boyfriend to meet me with our spare key. Except when I get to my car, I notice that it's unlocked and, in fact, running. I had left it running for a good two hours. This wasn't in a good neighborhood either - it's nothing short of a miracle it was still there.

Another time I drove 20 min on the wrong highway to go to a doctor appointment... At the same office I've been going to for two decades. Again, related to 'brain fog' allergy symptoms.

Amazingly, ever since my son was born, my allergy symptoms have markedly improved. I wish I could say I stopped being absentminded af, but now I have perpetual mom brain so it all kinda levels out.

meekishone · 1 points · Posted at 04:04:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently switched jobs from a produce position to a shelf stocker for another company. I was putting out products and I realized I was trying to rotate and stock the items by expiry dates. I got really frustrated and only realized my mistake when I asked my coworker where the expiry dates on the lunch kits were.

llamathere · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a rec center checking people in. Most people wouldn't bring their cards so I'd look them up by their last name. Well I was napping one day and my boyfriend woke me up for dinner and I turned to him and said "and what's your last name?"

Casz8 · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a nurse and my name is Caroline. I answer the phone at work “this is Caroline..” No intro to the department or anything ... just a ‘what’s up, it’s me.’

It was a really busy day, I had a lot on my mind, I entered a patients’ room for the first time and announced “this is Caroline!”

It was weird.

Big_Bones41 · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a phone store and no matter what someone says when I greet them at the door I always say "Awesome! Come right over here"

I had a lady say she came in to disconnect her grandma's phone since she had just passed away.

Guess what I said.

lurkashrae · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Hi how are you?” “Good how are you?” “Good and you?”

doubteddongle · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Alright this is kinda auto pilot

So last year I had ap geography for my first period and it would get boring beyond hell and I'd struggle to stay awake but I'd manage. Well there was one day that I didn't (I was up late the night before helping a friend out with homework) and so when I inevitably fell asleep sitting up I woke up a few moments later to my teacher leaning on my desk and he said "morning sunshine" to wake me up and my instinctive response was to yell at the top of my lungs "MOM, I STILL HAVE 5 MINUTES" then right after I said that I realized where I actually was and just accepted the class wide laughter at my expense.

KathrenCullen · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom likes to kiss me on the cheek as I'm leaving, twice now I've accidentally kissed her on the lips because im so used to my fiance kissing my cheek, and turning to kiss him instead. She thought it was hilarious, I've just been mortified.

LiveRise · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did a return for a customer. Customer didn’t want their receipt. So I turned around and threw the returned product in the trash and the receipt in the return bin. I knew as soon as I did it. But I often wonder if I’ve ever thrown any products away and not caught it.

datACOdoe · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a really long week I went to a very crowded grocery store and tried to find the turn signal on the shopping cart.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many times, I've found that I unwrap any packaged food item I get, throw the food in the trash, and walk away with the wrapper. It usually takes a minute or so for me to understand that I'm just holding a wrapper. I'm glad I haven't gone so far as to eat wrappers on accident, lol.

DahliDagger · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove all the way home after a long day of work and then remembered that my fiance and I had broken up a week earlier. This was not my home any more.

alnumero · 1 points · Posted at 04:05:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a teenager, I got into a stranger’s car bc it looked just like my mom’s. The poor guy was very confused until I realized my error.

DankDialektiks · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friend crashed at my house after a night of drinking. I wake up around noon the next morning and I see his shoes and pants but he's not anywhere in the house. It's like 2004 and we have no mobile phones. I make coffee and breakfast. About 15 minutes later he comes in from the front door, obviously with no shoes or pants. He stares at me a bit dumbfounded and goes "I just woke up in a car 3 doors down the street".

Another time he was at his own place and dreamed of ripping open a plastic bag with difficulty. He woke up on the couch instead of in his bed, and there was a mound of brown sugar on the floor.

Not sure if it's technically autopilot, but I think so.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my last oil change I was running late to hit the road for a weekend away, but I was past due for a change and it was a pretty far drive, so I wanted to get it done even though I was feeling a bit scatter brained. Anyways, they always get me to rev my engine for a little bit, but this time I somehow forgot how. When I went to turn my car on I just out of nature put it into drive too. Thankfully I was looking at the technician for a clue that I was doing the right thing and he shook his head and said “nope, don’t do that.” It was embarrassing.

sillablanca · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stoping my car when approaching some traffic lights when they’re clearly green.

jamjamason · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in to Atlanta airport at 6AM after a 19 hour flight. Zombie walked to the customs desk. Customs guy: Where country are you coming from? Me: ...... I don't know. Customs guy: Business or pleasure? Me:....... I don't remember. Customs guy: Welcome home, jamjamason. Have a safe flight home!

Exertet · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at the cinema watching a movie where the scene was in a quiet restaurant. Out of nowhere a bomb goes off and since I was completely zoned into the movie I thought it was real for a second or two and my heart just dropped.

Fleiuss · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working retail and closing the register after my shift. Counted the cash, put it in the envelope, sealed the envelope and threw it in the trash, then tied the trash bag and got rid of it. I was lucky it was a quiet night so it had less than a grand in that envelope.

Still have nightmares with it tho.

MovingPictureMan · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eminem voice* TOUCH MY BODY

stephjacobs24 · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just got done buttering toast and I put the knife in the fridge and the butter in the sink, my husband came out a few minutes later wondering why there was a knife in our fridge.

trees202 · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made soup stock. Went to strain the chicken bones and junk out... Dumped the stock down the drain and was left holding a colander full of Bones and vegetable junk.

lillyval · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to get in the shower had my eye patch around my neck instead of taking it off I pulled it up onto my eye and then hopped in the shower and didn't realize what I did until I started washing my hair.

vividbeats2 · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a restaurant last night I walked into the restroom and began unbuttoning my shirt in front of a urinal. Got three buttons in before thinking to myself “WTF am I doing?”

Storgrim · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stuck a half gallon of milk in the cabinet instead of the fridge, did not smell good.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cracked an egg on the side of a bowl and put the yolk in the compost and tossed the eggshell into the bowl.

TobaccoAficionado · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go to the cigar shop to smoke a cigar then have some lunch. Parked my car, walked into the shop had a smoke, went across the street, had some Chipotle, head back to the car. I realize my keys are missing. "Fuck." Where could my keys be? Walk back to the cigar shop, browse around, no keys. Chipotle, no keys. Keys have to be locked in my car. I come back to the car, still running, never turned it off.

It was just after a deployment, so I guess I just forgot how cars worked in a few months...

At-M · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mainly drink iced tea and wanted to make a bowl of cornflakes..

The milk was already out of the freezer, so I got the bowl, put in cornflakes, took the milk and put it into the freezer, walked outside to get some iced tea and proceeded to open it and pour it into the cornflakes. I only realized what I've done until I went back to my seat and ate half of the bowl.

constantstream9298 · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ran out of gas one time, and as i was using the gas can i realized there was no vent hole and the gas was coming out really slow. So i pulled my lighter out of my pocket to burn a vent hole into the back. Luckily i snapped out of autopilot before i actually did it.

ThisCupNeedsACoaster · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Microwaved some water to make tea. Put milk in the water before putting in the tea bag to brew. Ended up with hot milk water

the_negativest · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife was sitting in the couch next to me, and I was sitting with one leg curled up in front of me. I learned forward and kissed my knee, Intending to kiss her forehead.

DuckyMcBubbles · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

picked up Sex Wax at a gift shop once, held it, staring intently at it for about a minute

jonross14 · 1 points · Posted at 04:07:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is a combination of auto pilot and being dumb and drunk. I was in college and I was trying to appear normal for the RA. As I walked past with my friends, the RA said "Hi guys" and I said, enthusiastically, "Good thanks, how are you!"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "rocket surgery" instead of rocket appliances

filmcanman · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into work. Sat at desk. Opened laptop. Slammed it shut when porn vid resumed playing. Quickly walked out of office w/ laptop under arm into men's room to cry.

Doot_McScoot · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent like 5 minutes pressing the remote unlock button on my car keys trying to open my front door

Klint22080 · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in college I stayed up 48 hours to write a 12 page paper, when I left class I walked head first into glass door separators. Everyone in the class was right behind me. Including the hot chick I liked

GGATHELMIL · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually I just did this the other day. I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and because of the holidays life has been extra hectic for me. I had just come off a long shift and 32 hours with no sleep. I hopped on Amazon and ordered some items and checked out. 2 days later I get the notification that my items will be delivered to my old address.

Luckily I live close to my old place and was able to just grab them. But it was hella awkward leaving a note for the people saying hey I stole packages but I swear they were mine. I left my number and we coordinated things and everything worked out.

I'm just glad they were not assholes and kept the packages. Like yeah I would've eventually gotten my shit. But it would've been a hassle and probably not before Christmas.

Gator-Empire · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a rehab, I was taking our clients to the gym. It's the same direction as my home. I started driving to my house with a van full of clients.

Luckily my coworker asked if this was a new way to the gym right before we passed a street that I could take that recorrected our course.

Syndergaard · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get in the passenger side of my car fairly often when I’m driving

justanotherloudgirl · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Look at you, from an offhand on tumbler to top of ask Reddit 😂

Ebendi · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Signed my name with my work credentials or saying “lol” out loud 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

SuspiciouslyGenuine · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I had a night shift job one summer. I went home the morning after my first shift and fell asleep. They called soon after to ask if I could come in later that night. I answered the phone in my sleep and said I would come in — I never got called back in.

Icymountain · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took milk out of the fridge to add to freshly made coffee. Put freshly made coffee back in fridge and went to take a sip of my milk.

Wait...

betterplanwithchan · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg right into my mouth because I was busy on the speakerphone and hungry at the same time.

laycontay · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tore the top off the packets of my sweet n low, poured the contents into the trash and put the wrappers in my coffee.

cacearo · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is the opposite of all of my fellow call center workers but, after several weeks out of work I was chatting with my boss on my first shift back and the first call I answered with, “Hello?” And didn’t realize that isn’t how we do things until I saw the look on her face.

alliecat_009 · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking to my brother and he turned to walk away. I made kissy noises to get his attention back. Then I realized he isnt my dog and that doesn't work on him.

_idliketosay · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spend all day making a soup stock. Go to pour it through the strainer in the sink and then realized I have poured the entire thing down the drain.

HealBitch · 1 points · Posted at 04:08:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Let the shower run for a bit to get hot, got naked, climbed into the sink.

glambx · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very first thing I do when I notice the 'net is down: www.<isp>.com homepage. Every time.

themathletes · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was listening to a podcast. I laughed at what one of them said, and then started to say “That’s so funny, one time I...” and I was cut off by the podcast continuing, and I realized I thought I was having a conversation with them for a moment.

givemethefullrestore · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a student assistant and I was asked by the coordinator that I was tasked to work with to open his car's trunk to get his equipment. He assumed that I know what his car looked like because I've seen it a few times. When I got to open the car's trunk I found nothing but old water jugs and some old clothes. I return to the coordinator to tell him this. He insisted that the equipment should be there because he was the one who put them there. So I returned again. Only to find no equipment of some sort anywhere inside his car.

I return to him to explain this and then he finally said to do it himself and show him where in the car I look in. It turns out that I was rummaging in the wrong car. That old car belonged to a custodian and it looked nothing like the coordinator's car, except for the color. I was scolded and embarrassed that day to my coordinator, the custodian, and the student assistant colleagues. What surprised me was that I was able to open the other car. They were both Toyota but different models.

Itscameronman · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years 1-22

nickodico · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were in a bookstore and I accidentally hugged who I thought was my boyfriend from behind and said all breezy and cute “hey babe”. It was one of our acquaintances. Every time I think about it I can’t stop laughing!

SuperModes · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Auto pilot to work. If I’m not paying attention when I leave my apartment, I just start driving to work. Doesn’t matter what time or what day. I have yet to make it all the way there but I’ve made it about halfway several times.

swingthedoc · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After staying up for 40 hours straight competing in a space settlement design competition, I tried to unlock my hotel room door with my credit card.

GrandeurGriffins · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Punched a coworker in the shoulder and then immediately hugged him. He kept giving me strange looks afterwards. I guess.

bunnykween13 · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was applying spray on sunscreen from one of those aerosol bottles. I finished spraying my chest and instinctively lifted up my arm and sprayed my pits. Sunscreen is not a good deodorant

havenhikari · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into a wall and apologized to the wall

gentlemandoctor · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a particularly difficult night shift I had to write the Medical Orders for a patient with Alcohol Withdrawal: Instead of "Gentle restraining" (Sujeción gentil in Spanish), I wrote "Genital restraining" (Sujeción genital in Spanish). I didn't notice until a nurse, very confused, asked about that particular order.

Xenozin · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fire Marvin Lewis

itsmoxiebitch · 1 points · Posted at 04:09:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i cracked an egg in the sink

boginziliac · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

walked upstairs opened the door to the garbage pulled it out and started pissing and mid piss realize what i was doing

XXVAngel · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost pissed in the trash can. Was like 10 and just woke up.

phoenix-corn · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed someone else's pomeranian when I picked it up.

cocoaboots · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was when I was younger, maybe about 8.

I was at Best Buy with my dad who, at the time, wore the signature dad jeans and a brown leather jacket. I was running around through the aisles looking for him when out of the corner of my eye I saw him.

I walked down the aisle to a guy in dad jeans in a brown leather jacket with salt and pepper hair, grabbed his pant leg and leaned against him affectionately, as a daughter would do to her father, for the guy to turn around and NOT be my dad. I froze, deer in headlights, not sure what to do. I yelled SORRY and ran away.

8 year old me was so embarrassed but I saw brown leather jacket out of the corner of my eye and was like ITS DAD! he was actually at the end of the aisle and watched the whole thing. He still talks about it. :(

-alwsndadvce25- · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to start a shower, checked the water tempeture then picked up the conditioner, put a glob on my finger and ate it, the second it hit my tounge I was like wtf am I doing?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Telling my coworker to have a good weekend. On a Monday.

louie0027 · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Swerved hard going under an overpass like I’d been trained to do. Unfortunately, I was back in the states...

happyeggplant_ · 1 points · Posted at 04:10:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I got a phone call from the lab at work with a critical value, received it, told the lady my name, then said "okay love you, bye" and hung up.....HNNNGWHY

apcaf · 1 points · Posted at 04:11:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forgot what flight level to set, choosing 30 instead of 300

Twwoo39 · 1 points · Posted at 04:12:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After work snack - chips and salsa. I get the salsa out of the fridge, salsa dish out of the cupboard, and chips out of the pantry. Enjoyed a helping. Went back for more chips and salsa, and after several minutes trying to find the salsa (back of fridge, in door, behind milk, etc) I finally found it in the plate cupboard.

swagblocker · 1 points · Posted at 04:12:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was writing a grocery list and forgot how to write the letter 'e' despite writing it a few rows up.

I also multiplied all my numbers together trying to take an average. Grad school does strange things to a man.

Charon34 · 1 points · Posted at 04:14:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have no idea how in the world my auto pilot led to this but, I walked up and kissed my friend (whom I had a crush on) on the cheek in middle school. When I pulled back and realized what I had done. I covered my mouth in shock and ran away as fast as I possibly could. She was too pretty and I was too chubby and dorky. That was a day...

BrendanTheOtaku · 1 points · Posted at 04:17:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to an internet cafe and I accidentally turned off this guy's computer playing csgo. I forgot that it was automatic and I did it on habit back on the old internet cafe I went in

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:17:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not really noteworthy but when I'm on my phone in my neighborhood I go into autopilot and just go down my most traveled way. Got a solid two to three blocks before I remembered,"Oh shit this is definitely the wrong way" and turned around

patbrochill89 · 1 points · Posted at 04:17:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in the shower with socks on.

BadAnimalDrawing · 1 points · Posted at 04:17:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a knife almost all the way through my hand while cutting an avocado.

uhhokaylol · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does drinking count? I recently drank way too much and woke up to my clothes basket drenched. I smelled it and it smelled like watered down pee, I basically woke up in the middle of the night and pissed on my clean clothes and I had work in the morning, not my best moment, I have no memory of it happening at all.

TonyP18 · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm busy in the bar and anyone, be it man or woman, after they pay for their drinks I always say "good man, thank you!"

Its gotten me far too many death stares

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a slumber party in 5th grade and the host’s mom had this fancy lotion she was putting in everyones hand so they could try it out.

She gets to me, puts a dollop of sweet smelling purple lotion in my palm and my brain powered down. I stared at it for a good 30 seconds before I lifted my hand to my mouth and licked it.

Ive never felt more instant regret in my whole life. My mouth was burning from the chemically taste but I was so embarrassed I couldn’t spit it out so I just swallowed it. The girl whose house we were at saw the whole thing and told her mom to give me more lotion. Because I ate mine.

bmatthewi21 · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cut the ends off a honeydew. Trimmed the rined off. Cut it in half, deseeded the core, threw the sides in the trash.

Great move!

whatdoesthecatsay · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured the Mac and Cheese powdered cheese in the pot with the boiling water instead of the macaroni.

Jive-ass_turkey · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the phone with my dispatcher at work. He said good luck (long story). And I replied with I love you too as I hung up. Didn't hear the end of that one for a while

libbeee · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used my face wash for toothpaste . Awful

torutaka · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought something at a mall. I threw away the change and put the receipt in my wallet. After a few seconds, I realized my mistake and had to search in the trash bin for my money.

Uncle_Lono · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Girl at work with giant boobs was trying to do push ups. She was like “i can only do 1!” And i said “thats cuz of your giant as heavy boobs”. Only my coworker next to me heard thank god. Idk why I said it. I was focused on my work.

dunder-throwaway · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a teenager, I once ended a phone call with my best friend by saying, "In Jesus name, amen." He laughed at me.

~15 years later (a month or two ago), I finished up a call with a co-worker by saying, "Love you, bye." I then said, "Wait, no I don't," but by that time she had hung up. My other co-workers in the room laughed at me.

OriginalUsername42 · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Goosed the wrong brunette.

jnetty222 · 1 points · Posted at 04:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a candy (no wrapper) on the garage floor that had been sitting there for a week. I would see it every time I left and returned from work. It was one of those jelly candies with the sugar coating on the outside and thick gelatin taste on the inside. It was my favorite flavor. So, one day, I got tired of looking at it so I picked up, put it into my mouth and ate it. I didn’t even think twice about it. This is always a good story to tell others when I want to show them how gross I can be 🤣

BrettBusiness · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plenty of times when unwrapping individual candies, I will through the candy away and eat the wrapper.

gooner275 · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the wrong apartment..... right location just wrong floor

telesbrizeattitude · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “I love you too” when an acquaintance casually greets you with “hi, how are you?”

anywhor99 · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger I was playing outside and for some reason I had a big chunk of dirt in one hand and a cookie in the other. I ended up taking a bite out of the ball of dirt instead of the cookie.

pterosour · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my dog to PetSmart one day. On the way out, I loaded him into the car from the passenger side, then proceeded to get in the passenger side and put my seatbelt on.

As soon as I realized what I had done I looked over and 2 guys in another car spotted me doing so. So I decided to wait them out until they left. They didn’t leave until I got out, walked around the car, and drove off. Saw them at the stop light and they were both still staring at me.

TedSmeeth · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In year 8 i forgot to clear my browser history late at night and didnt use my phone until we had an re lesson the next dayduring which my mate asked if he could borrow my phone and i gave it to him, he immediately walked to the centre of the room and said really loudly WHAT IS SEXY ELF. Thankfully this got overshadowed by some other kid making himself vomit by sticking a pen down his throat and luckily my mate doesnt remember this at all but it was one of the biggest regrets and i want to die moments.

MisterBowTies · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend of my cousin lost her dad about three years ago. He played harmonica, so they asked me to play Amazing Grace on harmonica at his funeral. It went fine and ment a lot to the family, which was great. Fast forward about a year later my cousin got married. The same friend was at the wedding and came to talk to me

Friend: Hi, I don't know if you remember me you played harmonica at my father's funeral

Me on auto pilot: Oh yeah! How's he doing?

creator-25 · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first job at a gas station the customer used a credit card so the receipt needed a signature... I signed it and handed it to him lmao I laugh about it every time it comes to mind

justjdi · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a train dispatcher and used standard “over and out” lingo.....ordered at a drivethru and when they repeated back my order I said “that’s all correct, over”. Family reminds me of it every time we go through a drivethru.

Salmon_Scaffold · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to run a trail near home pushing my daughter in the stroller.

Every time we went past a dog coming towards us, I would say 'Doggy!" in a loud child like voice so my daughter would do the same... smiles all round, beautiful.

One day running alone I passed a dog and it's owner and loudly and babyishly called out 'DOGGY!" whilst looking at the dog and owner with a big daft grin on my face.

I managed to take 3-4 strides before realizing what that must have been like for the dog owner... would loved to have heard him explain that to someone later.

bnjd93 · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

having worked in a grocery store on saturdays and sundays for over a year, i've started just saying "enjoy the rest of your weekend" in place of goodbye involuntarily and it's really annoying when its a tuesday

DanP828 · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting a gallon of milk in the cabinet I just pulled a glass out of

risbo53x · 1 points · Posted at 04:19:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

had a long string of days with long shifts, tired as hell few days in...

woke up one night around 3AM, took my mobile phone from the table, turn on the flash light and started looking on the table, on the floor around the table, my jacket pockets...

I was looking for my mobile phone..

could not find it anywhere, just gave up, turned off flashlight on my mobile phone and went back to sleep

took a few more hours of sleep and a morning coffee to realise I am retarded

also, i have no idea what i needed my mobile phone for at 3AM....

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked and egg in counter and opened it in the trash

Jarritto · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve definitely taken out milk and a glass and poured some out, then tried to put the milk back in the cupboard with the glasses and wondered why it didn’t fit.

haunter4712 · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost my phone. And began xalling my phone... with my phone to find my phone. I also used the flashlight on it to look all over and then I realized it was in my hand. I felt like a total idiot. My girlfriend had a good laugh at least.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the car when I was around 6, and it was getting a little hot. It was June and my mom was driving me home from school. She said "you can open the window, its warm out". I was thinking about something from school and I opened the door while we were going 40. The scariest part is that I took a good 5 seconds before I realized I had done something bad. I just sat through my mom screaming until something clicked and I panicked and closed the door.

10minutes_late · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't know if this counts, but I was high and running full auto pilot. I was lying in bed and had to pee really bad, but wasn't sure how to get there. My brain said the next logical step was to stand on my bed and pee out the window.

AwkwardRainbow · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was self checkout at the store I work at, at the time we were supposed to greet every guest. I was talking o my supervisor about something, a guest walked by and I said “Happy birthday” because that’s what we were talking about. Guy was confused and walked away and I think about it a lot now.

hashtagkid · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Backed straight out of my slot into a parked trucked that I walked past to get into my car. Like this truck was two feet parked behind mine illegally. So I knew he was there for crack or meth as my neighbor was a dealer/prostitute. The guy and the girl he was with came out and I told him I backed into his truck and the police were on the way and this was the time to get anything he needed taken care of. He grab a bag out the truck and told the women to get walking he'd catch up. Figured I fucked up, I bet at least not send him to jail or prison. Never seen him again.

DasBarenJager · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Several years ago I lived on the South side of Oklahoma City and had a part time (three 8 hour shifts a week) job a few blocks from my house but also had a full time job (five 10 hour shifts a week) job on the North side of town. the only problem was that I often would work 8 hours then have four hours off and work a 10 hour shift at the other job, neither job gave me a consistent schedule and some work weeks I would literally have just a few hours to sleep and shower between shifts for days on end.

One day after working three days in a row like this never getting more than 4-5 hours of sleep at a time I finished a shift close to home but instinctively drove to my other my job. I was so tired and confused when I arrived that I just decided to move my car to the back of the parking lot and I slept there for ten solid hours without anyone noticing.

SmartSoda · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In middle school, next to the cutest girl in class, I rested my head on my hand and I just sounded out "hurr hurr hurr" while listening to the teacher. She laughed.

natah7 · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yelled “coming in!” while walking into the bathroom at work (waitress).... luckily the people in there were already on the toilet when i scared the shit out of them.

sesamestreets · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Studied so hard and so long for a chemistry test one time that my brain noped out when I tried to take a shower. Got all the way in the water before I realized I was still wearing about half of my clothes.

To be fair I was so frequently sleep deprived at that point in my life that this kind of thing happened pretty often. I showed up to school once wearing pants I'd just pulled out of the dryer and in the middle of the hall a pair of my underwear fell out of my pants leg.

Another time I went half the day with my shirt on inside out. Keep in mind our dress code only allowed for collared shirts.

Yet another time I showed up without a bra on and realized it right before class started. That was a fun panicked call home...

Edit: formatting

ss199704 · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Starbucks and sometimes I help out at my parents’ pizza place. At around 5:30 in the morning my manager put me on drive through and everyone had a headset on. I finished the first order with”would you like some cheese and peppers?” Definitely would not go with a mocha. On the opposite end, I’ve taken a phone order at the pizza place and said “we’ll have your total ready at the window”

SarahFree339 · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting coffee at a gas station, half asleep. Poured probably 3 of those little creamer packets into the trash and stacked the empty cups next to my cup on the counter. Went to stir and looked down in sadness to realize my mistake.

Zepumpkineater · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called one of my friends at school dad once. That was a good few days of teasing

Hallwitzer · 1 points · Posted at 04:21:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working in a call center and answered the phone, "How can I hold you?"

As I was answering I was telling a co-worker to fold something and mixed up help and fold and it became hold. Fun.

sluttymcbuttsex · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to ask for a sausage egg and cheese mcmuffin at subway for breakfast. I meant English muffin :(

PM_ME_UR_TANNED_BUTT · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When hanging up the phone with my boss I said I love you too babe.

ScaryBeardMan · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up in the middle of peeing in the bin in my kitchen

Theearthhasnoedges · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anyone: "Happy Birthday!"

Me: "You too!"

Every. Single. Time.

shortkid246 · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where I work, we have to use badges to get in and out of every door. After a long day, I tried to badge into my car for a good two minutes. I was getting frustrated when I realized what I was doing. Not my finest moment.

TheHigherCalling2 · 1 points · Posted at 04:22:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washing my face with my eyeglasses still on.

StrahdsDad · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was approximately 12 or so, I was getting ready for school. Completely zoned out, after I got dressed and such I would go to my Mom’s room to use my Dad’s gel to fix my hair. She noticed my face looked a bit dry and squirted some lotion in my hand to put on my nose and cheeks. I proceeded to mush it all through my hair.

strongjz · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I travel a lot for work and stay in hotels every week. Well I try to stay at the same one every week. One week I flipped hotels but instead of going to the current hotel I went all the way to the door in hotel from last week. When my key didn't work I went to the front desk, only to find out I was at the wrong hotel. Embarrassing to say the least.

ColorblindProphet · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had an ex girlfriend and after a few months after we broke we got together for lunch. Everything went well and we talked about our life and such. As we were leaving we hugged like we used to do when we dated and I kissed her on the head and said “love you”. All on auto pilot. I was a little embarrassed to say the least but she was okay with it and understood thankfully.

akzilla92 · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flown A Plane

like9000ninjas · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get stuck in my head a lot thinking. Once I was thinking so much about something that upset me after I took a shower, that when I left the bathroom I turned the light off walked into the hallway to the kitchen, went back to the bathroom turned the light on then back off, walked to the kitchen, back to the bathroom, light on off, probably 5 times before I realized when I was doing. I need to not dwell on past events.

ReedMarie · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was very pregnant I went Christmas shopping at a packed mall. When I came back to my vehicle a couple hours later I thought I was watching my vehicle get stolen. The driver side door was wide open and it was running... the exhaust billowing out in the cold. I stared at it for a while before approaching. Then I realized I left that sucker just how it was hours earlier.

nannylive · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my classroom door with my cars keyless entry device.

eevanja99 · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put someone's change right into the tip jar instead of their hand, he's a regular and a very nice guy, so my brain knew he would do it. worse of all he was mid conversation with my boss when it happened. I will never forgive myself of the cringe

AKJessica907 · 1 points · Posted at 04:23:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sitting there at my friends house playing video games with her. But for some reason I kept absent-mindedly making moaning and groaning sounds for a good 15-20 minutes. We were right in the living room and her mom and her mom's boyfriend were hanging around too. I have no idea why I was Like That. It's so fucking embarrassing, and the only reason I stopped was because my friend's mom asked me nicely to shut up. The memory haunts me to this day

godzillab10 · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up in the middle of the night. Not drunk and on no medicine just took a massive piss in my dirty clothes hamper. It didn't dawn on me that it really happened until the morning when I smelled piss in my closet.

Moral_Gutpunch · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Good kitty" to a dog

laineylime · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice instead of milk in my cereal 🤦🏽‍♀️

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once accidentally tried to brush my teeth with face wash. Didn't realize it was Face wash until my mouth filled with the horrid taste

opalesense · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but when me and my husband were first dating he used to do that winking/smoochy face when he was saying goodbye to me... Anyway, we were leaving his (very macho) friend's house and I was standing on the front porch waiting as he was saying a final goodbye to his friend when I saw him wink & smooch at his friend as he closed the door behind him. The look of mortification that swept over his face when he realized what he'd done was hysterical. I started laughing my ass off, he turned bright red & rushed me to the car where he said "well we can never go back there again".

scrimthatbingus · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was brushing my teeth pretty late at night, and afterwards spit into the sink. End up turning around to look at something and spit again, this time directly on the floor. Felt like an idiot.

stennesrc · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drained an entire can of chicken broth into the sink, thinking it was canned veggies. I had opened it up halfway so that the solids wouldn't pour out when I drained it. Turns out there wasn't anything solid in the can, and it was all wasted.

repleteshambles · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been playing too much Fallout 4. I was driving somewhere (in real life), made a wrong turn, then took my right hand off the steering wheel and reached for the F9 key to quick-load my game.

darthmilmo · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Try leaving the car running in the parking lot while taking an evening class in Uni. Campus police came knocking in the class. Ran back. The car was in park, locked, with keys in the ignition and motor running. They ended up helping me open it. Talk about being under too muc stress and being too tired.

Janahlovesbacon · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sleep deprived, bumped into a bunch of coats hanging in the hallway, apologized to the coats.

whatsthepointnoe · 1 points · Posted at 04:24:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has been the best thread I've ever read!

mtnlady · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We had recently moved things around in the kitchen. I watched my fiancee try to microwave something in our fridge one day. I about peed my pants laughing and even shed a few tears.

anomie_cat · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in college, I worked in retail. It was right before finals, so I spent most of my time studying, in class, working, and barely sleeping. A customer walked in, looked around, said “thank you,” and began to leave. Instead of the usual “have a great day!” I responded with “I love you too!” She didn’t seem too offended 🤷🏼‍♀️

booty_touchedit · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working for Lifetouch school photography. We would have pretty long days, the longest I had while working there was about 13 hours. Long line of kids coming up to get their photos taken and we are only supposed to take >30 seconds on each photo. There is a certain way to have each kid stand and pose and a few quick easy things we can say to get them to do it... Or it should be anyway. There was a mat they would stand on red footprints for the girls and blue for the boys "put your feet on the blue prints for me." "Or go ahead and stand on the blue foot prints." But instead I said "put your blue feet on the mat" ..he didn't move and we just looked at each other for a long time until he tentatively asked "my...blue feet???" Another day I asked a girl to put her shoulders in her pockets... Instead of her hands...

Cartwheelking · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in a type of auto pilot were you just follow where everyone is going, went into the girls bathroom, didn’t know until I came out to wash my hands, and realized the horror, everyone was there.

KanadrAllegria · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened today:

I knocked on the closed elevator door before it opened to let me off at the ground floor, because I've gotten in the habit of knocking on closed doors at work (restaurant- you don't want to open a door and bowl over someone who is holding a knife, or something hot).

dirtbagmagee · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I answered my home phone as if I was at work “thank you for calling pizza place, this is dirtbag magee how may I help you?” It was my sister and she just burst out laughing.

I also instinctively call out “corner”when I’m walking around town and round a corner.

roverclover75 · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I talk to myself... A LOT. And I get caught doing it at least once a day. It almost always happens when I’m rehashing something over and over in my head, but I have to finish doing some other task. I went on and on the other day before I noticed there was still a kid sitting in the back of my classroom.

andyarena70 · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Make eggs for breakfast most mornings. I usually crack the egg drop it in the pan then put the shell in the drain. One morning I cracked an egg and dropped it in the sink drain. Left holding the shell thinking “what the hell did I just do?”

KhalidAH77 · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Looses his phone and freaks out till he realizes that he was holding his phone all the way”

jaaywags · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew a red light. I crashed my car :(

ihatevosz · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Biting my nails while I'm explaining something

CasualSlacker · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walk into a room then walk out, completely forgetting what I was going to do.

dr_m_a_dman · 1 points · Posted at 04:25:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rolled and lit a cigarette in my friends house in front of his mum - promptly squeezed it in my hand to put it out. She never noticed

thedarkora · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can someone make this a subreddit! It's brilliantly hysterical.

An_Angry_Badger · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left a bucket of icecream in the microwave overnight...

CeladonGames · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning for breakfast I have cereal and orange juice.

One morning I accidentally poured the milk into the cup and the orange juice into my cereal. Took a half a minute to realize what I’d done.

Real_Fourbz · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put hair gel on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste once, that was great..

shaynawakefield · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got into the shower with both bra and underwear still on. Like come on.

PM_ME_A_DISPLAYNAME · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had my phone in one hand and my coffee in the other and I went to throw my phone onto my desk chair and instead I threw my coffee cup. Sad, but apparently isn’t that uncommon as I’ve seen people post about it a few times on reddit and the likes. At least I know I’m not alone in this stupidity!

meatyokker · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I occasionally space out in the am and wipe my deodorant stick on my toothbrush

ameliabedelia7 · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think I've accidentally sang aloud in big ass headphones when I thought I was mouthing lyrics

JKitsSpaghetti · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my Beechcraft on Auto Pilot over the Caribbean. Went into the second passenger row and took a 15 minute nap.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into the bathroom and threw the new roll of toilet paper into the toilet.

nuclearwomb · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost drank paint brush water.

samdog1246 · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work a lot of erratic shifts as a barista... Constantly switching from opening shifts that start at 4am and closing that get off at 1030p and everything in between leaves mybrain in permanent autopilot..

Some of the more memorable things I've done:

  • dump a full grounds drawer directly into the sink (grabbing warm and wet grounds by the fistful was oddly satsifying)

  • try grinding coffee, except the grinder lid was closed, so I scooped beans directly onto the top and beans scattered everywhere

  • ask the same customer, "and was that all for you today?" and, "anything else for you?" and, "and does that complete your order?" only reason I snapped out of this loop was coworker on headset going, "uh, samdog, I think he's done ordering..."

YoItsMCat · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushed my teeth with soap

DingoDaBabyBandit · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was christmas time just after I had graduated highschool and I went and picked up my buddy lets call him John from the airport since he was flying back in from university.

Now John is one of my closest friends but had been away for probably 5 months at this point. Through out that time I had been hanging out with my other very very close friend Tom.

Now as me and John are driving home he tells me he messed something up and with out skipping a beat I start going off after Tom without even thinking about it and then only getting more frustrated because John is sitting there laughing his ass off the entire time until I realized my mistake.

squish059 · 1 points · Posted at 04:27:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve driven passed countless destinations while on familiar routes.

PeachyAfterthought · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working as a busser, one of the servers asked me to tell her table that we had no bread. I was just talking to the guys in the kitchen in spanish, and i was still in that mode when i walked to the table and started talking, but they couldn’t understand, because i was still speaking spanish.

kroxxy123 · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but customers. I use to work at target and whenever someone buys a movie I would say "enjoy your movie!" They always say "you too" 😂😂😂😂 gets them everytime.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked out a girl I liked

RedWings1319 · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We had two sons 19 months apart, so I was exhausted for about 3 years straight. My mom tended to talk and talk and talk...she was holding the baby and I had the pacifier in my hand. I just saw something making noise that I wanted to stop! She just about twisted her head off trying to evade the pacifier as I kept trying to shove it into her mouth...the battle lasted at least 20 seconds. She was not pleased and I about peed myself laughing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put salt in my tea as opposed to sugar. the containers look nothing alike. i probably drank half the cup before i realized it was salted

alwclimbs · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time.

guyguyminheimer · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My cats were recently put down for kidney failure. I used to come out of my room and look into the living room from the doorway whenever my ADD was acting up and I felt like looking for the cats. For the past couple months I've been slightly confusing my family by just immediately coming to the entrance of the living room during an attention span blur and immediately realising there won't be a cat laying on the couch so I just turn back around and leave.

Pycnolite · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once wanted to make some toast on autopilot so my brain went:

  1. Go to kitchen
  2. Grab bread
  3. Plug in toaster and turn it on
  4. Put bread on plate
  5. Put bread in microwave
  6. Turn on microwave
  7. Set timer
  8. Stop short of microwaving bread
  9. ?????
  10. WTF this isn't how you make toast
muffin_fiend · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Start driving ANYWHERE, end up on route to work, auto pilot engages, find myself parked at work and even start walking in, realize half way there “wait a tick... this isn’t my friend’s/the grocery store/ the gas station/the theater/ the doctor’s office/ the restaurant/ my house.....”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove around the Target parking lot looking for my car.

blackplaydoh · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I'm near a baby, I naturally bounce and sway, as though I'm holding and soothing it.

redditjang · 1 points · Posted at 04:28:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited for a good 5 or 6 minutes for the cars in front of me to make a right turn before realizing I was waiting behind meter parked cars.

ramisturla · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed a yogurt from the fridge, took off the lid and threw the yogurt in the bin. Took me about 5 seconds to realize what I had just done while I stood there with the lid in my hand.

kenji808 · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first day driving as a high school senior, I caught the bus home. Thankfully I caught it after 15 minutes or so

TaintSaint · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I misplaced my phone then used my phone's flashlight to look for the lost phone under my car seat...

Tough_Connection · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Breaking eggs into the bin then throwing the shells inside the pan.

biernini · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I was in college I started my first relationship where we slept together all night, every night. It was new and quite nice. My program had a field trip to a multi-day convention in Toronto and we were expected to arrange our own accommodation. To save money on the hotel my friends and I paired up on two double beds. After a few wobbly-pops the first night we all went to bed, and with the long drive to get there I fell quickly asleep. However some time in the night in my sleepy, slightly drunk, very hormonal and newly-co-bedding mindset I wrapped a leg around one of the legs of my buddy thinking I was at my flat with my girlfriend. I was gently brushed off with no fuss and I really didn't realize what I had done until the next morning after he asked me if I remembered trying to cuddle him. Lots of laughs, lots of embarrassment, lots of mocking fodder for a while afterwards.

ABOBer · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not long back from working in a bar. I grabbed 4 different glasses in a way that made them explode in my hand: they were really hot just out of the dishwasher and I moved then quickly near an aircon. I know better when I'm not on autopilot, thankfully no injuries and it actually got me a few tips as I autopiloted past the embarrassment and got back to work

t1r3dd · 1 points · Posted at 04:29:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friends hand was in front of my face generally, maybe about a good 5 inches away. They didnt notice. Their elbow was resting on the table we were sitting at. I almost ate their hand. I was literally about a centimeter away from devouring their fingers before I stopped myself.

campbell363 · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a genetics lab for a while and part of the work had me reading the code from right to left very often. Genetic code is basically a bunch of random letters. I was getting my eye exam one afternoon and much like genetic code, the letters they gave me to check my vision were also random. So of course I read them out loud, right to left.

YitchesYeYonkers · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work and Einstein’s Bagels as a cashier and we have to ask the basic questions like name (for the order), are u part of our rewards programs?, and would you like your receipt? The amount of times i have asked would u like ur receipt before they even tell me their name is more than I care to admit

123simplyme · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant, I walk up to a large table about 8 and with half of their backs towards me I say hello lady’s! And quickly realizing I just insulted 1/2 of the customers.

gloweNZ · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was in a gym class, and at the end we were on all fours, stretching out our backs. Without thinking, the instructor said, “And into the doggy position”... If she realised what she’d said, she managed not to show it 😳

volvagiaq · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

-doing my makeup on the bathroom -my eyeliner goes wrong -type "ctrl+z" with my left hand over the sink -realizing how much time i spend on the computer

squidbooties · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep some of my favorite Pokémon cards in my wallet because sentimental value and stuff. One day I went to a gas station to pick up a pack of cigarettes and I pulled out and confidently handed the clerk a card that I thought was my ID. It was a Weezing. We both just kind of looked at each other before I slowly took back my card and left.

rimsky-k0rsak0v · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Catching the train home I’m usually running from one platform to the next to make the next train. There are four different lines that leave from the same platform, and I can’t count the amount of times I’ve jumped on the first train I saw. Once had to take four trains to end up where I needed to be thanks to this habit.

tellagio · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put ketchup on my toast thinking it was jelly

NotoriousMidget · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ordered food at a speaker in drive through, drove to the next window and paid then drove straight out past the final window, turned left onto the highway and started driving away before it clicked that I just ordered and paid for food.

I had to go back and do the walk of shame in and say at the counter I ordered food and drove away whilst the staff were pissing themselves laughing

poopbuttmcfarts · 1 points · Posted at 04:30:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

someone ordered the last specialty donut from me at my job, and as i was excitedly explaining how lucky they were to have come just in time for the last one, in the same swift motion that i throw the paper i use to handle the pastries, i tossed their donut into the trash

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant. If you haven't done that before, we shout things like "BEHIND HOT!" and "CORNER!" To alert others that you're carrying something hot behind them or are rounding a corner.

Anyway, at the grocery store, I grabbed one of those rotisserie chickens and yelled out "HOT, CORNER" and promptly came face to face with some older gentleman that was extremely alarmed that I was shouting.

I'm just glad I didn't say hot behind...

steventhewreaker · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As I walked through the door weary eyed at 3:30 A.M. after a hard shift at work I entered to hear the sound of a ringing phone. It was before the days of cell phones. Upon hearing the ringing phone at 3:30 A.M. I suddenly snapped out of it. In that moment the clarity came back as I remembered dropping my wife off at her parents house for a visit...and I FUCKING FORGOT TO PICK HER UP OH MY GOD! I pick up the phone, say oh my fucking god I am so sorry I am on my way, and drove an hour to get her and another hour home. She was...unimpressed.

_grounded · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used my phones flashlight to look for my phone outside, in the grass, for a full minute or so.

RaeStriker · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't happen to me, but pretty sure I saw someone else on auto pilot. Working drive thru, told someone to drive safe (twas raining that day). They said "you too"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a tuna sandwitch and was making a jug of powdered juice.

Yup, tuna went in the water, juice went on the bread.

Weed, man...

FakeAlan · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started a keurig brew without putting a mug underneath

Less than one week after the FIRST time I did it, both times with the same witnesses

wattiexiii · 1 points · Posted at 04:31:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called a customer who was an old man at work cutie

S_Runaway · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in college I would take the bus to the subway 99% of the time. This particular day I chose to drive to the station and leave my car there and take the subway. On my way home, got on the subway and then proceeded to wait for the bus and then get on the bus to go home. Got off the bus and as I was walking home, remembered I had drove, did a heel turn and waited for the next bus back to the station.

stocaidearga11 · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This isn't something I did but I used to work at a movie theater and after people would order their popcorn and soda and stuff I would tell them to enjoy the movie and they would always respond "you to."

Ispaceoutsometimes · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just last week I was trying to get out of the door to catch a flight. It's a 2 hr drive to the airport and to make it on time I had to have the baby and 3 year old in the car and leaving no later than 2:30am. Let me just say that I have never functioned especially well on minimal sleep and both kids picked that night to refuse to go down.

My husband leaves a lot for work, and when he's gone I lock EVERYTHING. We have a glass door in front of our front door, which has a key pad. I locked it and the front door. I locked the back door and put the wood block behind it. I locked the door going into the garage behind me. I have two sets of car keys. One has a house key, the other does not. I decided I only needed one set in case I somehow lost both. Guess which one I grabbed. My husband had recently brought the spare key inside for my parents to use while they visited. I am 100% locked out of my house for when we get home and I'm a little scared I'm going to lose my car key, which means we can't get back.

Tldr: I was sleep deprived and locked the entire family out of the house for when we arrive home after Christmas.

FrannyBoBanny23 · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Restaurant server: Enjoy your meal Me: you too

Drblizzle · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

': zzz

DangItLarry · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one time I took the laundry out and for some reason I went to the garbage can and dump it all there. It was only after that I had realized what I had done.

Gigantia1 · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friend: "Yeah, my cousin has scoliosis. It's not fun."

My dumbass: "Cool."

novreena · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put on both my contact lenses in one eye. Kept wondering why everything was blurry for a few minutes...

necro000 · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Its kinda a universal thing at work to tell customers to have a great day, but telling your coworker to, after you ring them out, when they hust got there...just kinda happens to everyone xD

soumyaetikala · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up in the middle of the night to pee and pooped instead on the bathroom floor. Right in the middle and then went back to sleep. The next morning when my parents asked me if I pooped on the bathroom floor, I denied. My brother was away so we three were the only ones living in my home.

Poocs420 · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Early in the morning taking a shower before work, quite tired, I’ll start the process of taking a shower once I’ve finished.

Ethan0508 · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanked the bus driver as I was getting on the bus.

IsraelZulu · 1 points · Posted at 04:32:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not sure if it counts as "auto pilot", but this was brought about by a similar level of absent-mindedness.

I don't know if this is common to all ADHD patients but, for me when I was taking Adderall (and I've since switched medications mainly because of this), a day off of it could be worse than any day before I started taking it. This was one of those days, when I'd forgotten my morning dose and gone to work.

I was on my way out of the office that afternoon, to walk to the next building over, for a meeting. I had almost goten into the elevator when...

Shit, I left my cell phone!

I went back down the hall, unlocked the door to my department's room, and walked up to my cube. That's when I noticed the nearly-empty water bottle on my desk.

Oh yeah, I should have something to drink with me too.

I grabbed the bottle, took it around the corner to top it off at the water cooler, and returned to my desk after.

Now, what did I come back here for?

Oh, right! My badge.

I checked my computer. Looked around my desk. Finally checked the lanyard on my neck.

Oh. Had it on me the whole time! Huh.

I was downstairs and hallway to the other building before I realized what happened. Just said "Fuck it." and went on without the phone.

BaldAssCaillou · 1 points · Posted at 04:33:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife does a bible study with some middle school aged girls once a week. Early into her starting this, one of the regular attending sisters' cousin wanted to come. She lived about 5 minutes from my work so the sisters' mother asked if I could pick her up.

Never met this girl before this day.

I begin to ask her about school and make conversation and after 5 minutes realize I got onto the wrong freeway (north vs south because I typically go that way to pick up my own kid when wife doesn't get her from school).

So here I am driving her away from our destination without a quick exit to jump off and turn around.

All I know is if I were a 13 year old girl and some man I'd never met before started driving the wrong way from where I knew we were going I'd have been plotting my eye gouging, crotch kicking attack the whole way.

RightHandFriend · 1 points · Posted at 04:33:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my work locker with my car remote... It was a long day

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:33:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a ridiculously long day at work, 8+ hours of staring at a computer screen and sending countless amounts of emails. I was so burnt out by the time I got home I tried to unlock my front door with my car keys, I was literally pointing the keys at the door while repeatedly hitting the unlock button.

C_Truman · 1 points · Posted at 04:33:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my friend was clearing our table at a restaurant and she put the garbage where the silverware goes and the silverware where the garbage goes

travelerswarden · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to start my car (push button) by taking out my work ID and jabbing it at the button. Couldn't figure out why the car wouldn't start.

withoutanagenda · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to put the milk jug back.

In the microwave.

way2muchtym · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sleepwalked as a 6 year old and unbuttoned my pants to pee into the fridge, probably thinking it was the toilet.

My dad mounted the op to transport me to the toilet just before I peed and then tucked me back into bed.

chocolatemontana · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I should preface this by saying that by time I had gotten my first (and last) facial, I had already gotten several massages. When the facial lady brought me back to the room, it looked really similar to a massage room, table, candles, and all. The lady told me she would leave for a few minutes to give me privacy to push my shirt down far enough away from my face and get comfortable in the table. I asked for clarification. “Should I take all my clothes off?” Clearly, the look on her face said “no.”

DontYouTrustMe · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have 2. Once when I was a carpenter I spent a minute or two looking for my pencil while up in the roof of a house I was building. turns out it was in my mouth the whole time.

And another time my friend asked me a question and I was super baked and zoned out and answered his question with “sometimes” . That wasn’t even close to an answer for whatever he asked. It’s still an inside joke between us.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:34:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was playing video games and I had to pee. So I got up, went to the kitchen, stopped in front of the trash can, and proceeded to lower my waist band before I stopped myself and remembered why I got up in the first place. I found my way back to the bathroom.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just gotten off a 12 hour day and was walking to my car. I hadnt eaten anything the whole day so i snagged a granola bar. While walking to my car i reached up to put the bar in my mouth and tried eating my car key

frienddly_ghost · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just today our roommate lost her phone. About a half hour after roommate leaves the house, a friend of hers calls us and says they found her phone and to let her know. My wife goes “okay, I’ll call her and let her know.” She called and got to voicemail before she realized. I just grinned.

ZetaHeart66 · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peeling shrimp, throwing the shells in the trash.

Wound up throwing the shrimp in the trash and saving the shells. There times.

Boston_noodles123 · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ordered food at the drive through and ask for it to go. I never went back lol

Gruberjo · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once in high school, I came home stoned. My sister and my mother were in the kitchen. I walked in, opened the pantry, and put my keys in a cereal breath. My mom says, “Let me smell your breath.” I retort, “I... I don’t have smoke breath,” having misheard her because stoned and paranoid. Looking at me incredulously she says, “What the fuck did you just say?” I left to my room promptly without saying anything.

stevie7 · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I schedule appointments for a children's hospital. Usually split the work between inbound and outbound calls. One time I called to schedule an appointment and it started off like this:

Mom: "hello?" Me: "Hi, this is *** with 'hospital name' scheduling, how can I help you?" Mom: "..... Ok?"

Very awkward, but moved past it pretty quick.

throwaway1311975 · 1 points · Posted at 04:35:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just returned to work from maternity leave so the baby was still not sleeping through the night consistently. In a sleep deprived fog, I brushed my teeth with diaper cream. The tubes were a similar color and were both on the bathroom counter. I didn’t even notice that the “toothpaste” was greasy, I just thought I hadn’t put any water on the brush before putting it in my mouth. I only noticed when I went to rinse and spit and there weren’t any bubbles.

Needsbraces · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This has happened a few times, I wake up and go to get a glass of OJ and a bowl of cereal, but I end up just filling the bowl with juice. My good friend likes to bring this up all the time to people and it never makes any sense to them, and I find it embarrassing that he loves to bring it up without context.

BallsDicks · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked for my phone while talking on the phone

Coodle90 · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week I was making breakfast and I took my standard bowl out of the cupboard that I use for oatmeal. I also took out large coffee mug out which I don't commonly do. I proceeded to dump oatmeal in the empty coffee mug, call myself an "idiot" while pouring the oats back into the bag, then did the exact same thing again.

I decided to make the coffee with oatmeal remnants still in it because I didn't deserve any better.

MyMistyMornings · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a theatre, and occasionally help out at the box office. Once, coming off a shift, I went to pick up coffee at a drive-thru Starbucks, and when they asked me what I needed, I answered "Theatre Name, this is "MistyMornings, how can I help you?" There was a bit of an awkward pause, then they laughed and said they knew the feeling.

insigniaunknown · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had plans to go out to some drinks with my partner and his work friends a few weeks ago, I changed my mind as I was super tired and didn't feel like socialising. I dropped him off in town about 8 minutes away instead.

I got home with my keys in hand, opened up the fridge, shut it again and pointed my car remote at the fridge to lock it.

At this point I realised not going out was a great idea.

QuarterSquat_ · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was newly dating my girlfriend about a year into our relationship and we went to her families lake house. It was me, her, and her mother standing on the dock while her younger brother and his friend were out on a seadoo. I forget what happened but her and her mom were getting mad at her younger brother for some reason and ushering him to the dock.. my girlfriend was standing infront of me at the time and I turned around to grab something and without thinking I just turned back around to face my girlfriend and put my hand on her LOWER BACK (basically half butt) ... to my surprise her mom turned around and looked at me in shock (I guess in the time I turned the other way and back around my girlfriend switched places with her mom lol) I never felt so awkward and scared/embarrassed in my life. She realized and understood after the fact, but in the moment my heart almost stopped.

mbmichaelman · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a drive in movie theater for two summers. I would always tell customers to have a nice night after I was done ringing them up in the snack stand. We do a charity event every year in the morning and since I’m so used to telling customers to have a ice night, I would tell people to have a night night at 8 am. It was pretty awkward.

BeefyOreo7 · 1 points · Posted at 04:36:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost threw away a bag of dirty laundry earlier today.

marksman678 · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So i was playing i think red dead 1 back in 2013 dont judge i dint have money for gta 5 anyway i had been so busy playing the game for 6 days straight that the sound john makes when he wants to make the horse go faster was ingrained in my head so one day i was getting into my father's car to do something i just got in and said "faster faster" my dad looked at me like i was idiot

StinnaDeTrinna · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost drank one of our fish when I put it in a jar to clean the fish tank. The jar was located right next to my coffee and I only realised when the liquid was unexpectedly cold.

anniele27 · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad came in to visit and he likes this local beer that my boyfriend also loves. My dad and I were in the grocery store and we passed a 6 pack of it and I started to say “hey babe there’s that beer you like”

I caught myself so it came out like “hey baaaee- but there’s beer”

Theguygotgame777 · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm in Theatre, so I'm used to performing/reading stuff onstage.

One day in class I thought I'd read my friend a bit of a joke SCP article (SCP-777-J). I started off quietly, as we were supposed to be working, but I just got more and more into it. It was fucking hilarious! I don't think she was that interested or listening, but I was doing it for myself now.

Until my teacher told me to quiet down, and I realized everyone was staring at me. Just then it hit me that I was using my stage voice, and not my quiet work-time voice. I have never wanted to die so much than in that moment.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving home from a 14 hour shift and didn't realize I missed my exit until I had been driving for an extra 30 minutes.

idunnowhatthisis · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked for mild sauce at an Arby's drive through. The cashier was very confused.

foodisprettyneato · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in culinary school, anytime someone was coming around the corner, they'd have to yell "corner!" really loud just in case someone was there with food or carrying something. But it became so burned in my mind that almost every time I went to the grocery store, I'd yell "Corner!" every time I was leaving an aisle. I got some weird looks to say the least.

theyellowparachute · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Everything is on auto where I work - the lights, faucets, and toilets. With the lights, I have a habit of waving my hands around or snapping my fingers to have them turn on when I walk into a dark room. Can’t even tell you how many times I’ve done this at home....as well as waving my hands in front of my home faucet in an attempt to turn it on. Oh, also all the floors look the same so I’ve ended up in the right room but wrong floor several times.

This building is really messing with me.

hohocupcake · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My students accidentally call me mom ALL the time. They get very embarrassed.

Once, in high school, I got up and started taking a shower before school. I was doing my routine, when my dad knocked on the door—which was weird as he went to work at 4:30 am. Apparently I woke up at 2:30 and decided to take a shower 🙄

-GolfWang- · 1 points · Posted at 04:37:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Checked into a hotel early in the morning, doorman opened the door and greeted me.

“Welcome to the hotel!” He said kindly.

“Thanks. You too” I responded.

jakobthe240 · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my foot on the clutch even when driving automatic. Every time.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving home one night on an empty street, lost in thought. Realized I was approaching an intersection, hit the brakes, and stopped. The light was green.

crackcocaineuser · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ubisoft goes steamworks bye bye always on drm

xcal31 · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in middle school, my dad used to pick me up after school. His car used to be parked in the same spot every day. One day I walked to the car, open the door, sat there for about 30 seconds and started complaining why the car wasn’t moving. I turned to the drivers seat and saw a surprised woman stranger sitting there. I was sitting in the wrong car. Turns out someone had already taken his spot that day!

Casty201 · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove all the way to my parents house one morning on my way to work (I was supposed to drive there after work so I was thinking about it).

snuggly-kitten · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just started working at this new job in an insurance call center, but previously I had worked at Chick-Fil-A. I once answered the phone with the wrong greeting

“It’s a great day at Chick-Fil-A, how may I serve you today”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Open youtube. Close youtube. Open two more tabs for reddit and youtube. Forget about the tabbed youtube and open another tab for youtube.

zippythezigzag · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Halfway unbuttoned my shirt because I got hot. I have add so it took my brain longer than it should have to realize I shouldn't take my shirt off in front of my co-workers.

enriqed · 1 points · Posted at 04:38:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After paying for a purchase, walked out of the store without it.

This has happened more than once.

planbot3000 · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was living briefly in Barcelona. My building looked very similar to the one next door, and being new I didn’t recognize that I was in the wrong building coming home one day. It took me an embarrassingly long time trying the key in the door before I realized my mistake. Thankfully nobody came to the door, because my Catalan sucks.

sharktankcontinues · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ur mom

Joseph_LP · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  • Stopped at a green light.

  • Tide Laundry detergent in fridge

  • Cleared plate off with fork then threw both into the Trash

NeiClaw · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents have dementia and I call them every day at 4. So when I was visiting them; I called them at 4 from their house on my cell phone.

maowsers93 · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband was working a phone line for Dish when he was getting sober. He was going to lot of AA meetings at the time. A customer called him at work and he answered, "Hi my name's Ted and I'm an alcoholic."

Ice_Or_Fire_No_Ire · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wanted to throw the grocery bill in the bin instead threw the cash I had in hand and kept the bill in pocket only to realize after few days.

kittylawhisker · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work in a dental office that's very fast paced and one day we were slammed, an employee had a family emergency and couldn't make it to her shift.

We we're literally running and frantically trying to keep up with the schedule. I sat a patient down and introduced myself

"Hi, good afternoon! My name is ___ and I'll be working with you today, it's a pleasure to meet you!"

"Good afternoon to you , I'm _."

I had become so flustered in our rush that I became an auto pilot parrot and repeated exactly what he just said but quieter starting blankly at him. I probably freaked the poor dear out.

ohThisUsername · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a grocery store for a long time. Every single customer that came through started with some variation of me saying "Hi how are you doing?", usually asking for their loyalty card and eventually ending with "Have a nice day!".

On a couple of occasions, I got things backwards and said things like "Hi, how are you doing?" while handing them their change and receipt.

magonzo21 · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a bus station and waved off the oncoming bus (meaning I won’t get on that one). Was confused at his confused face as he drove by and realized that that bus is the only type of bus that stops at that station so I waited 30 minutes for the next one.

Coximus-Maximus · 1 points · Posted at 04:39:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My work used these little FOB keychain things to enter doors and punch in and out of our shifts. One morning after a night shift +over time, I tried to fob into my front door at home. It took a longer time than it should have for me to figure it out.

Its_Nyan · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy your meal!" "Yeah you too thanks!"

Shuichi_ · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was pan-frying sausages and instead of oil I used dish detergent (same colour as the oil but completely different looking bottles)

xrensa · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ended a client phone call with "love you" because most phone convos are with my wife

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was typing notes on the school desktop computers. I was so used to typing them on my laptop that when i finished I logged out and tried to push the monitor into the keyboard. I got a few weird looks to say the least.

AspenRiot · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put peach pits into my blender and perfectly good apple slices into my compost.

uglyemoji · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went out to dinner tonight and greeted the people waiting outside like I would at my super pushy retail job: “hey how’re you guys doing today?!”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was pouring a glass of milk. I poured the milk into the glass, put the glass into the refrigerator, and put the gallon of milk into the cabinet. I made it about ten steps before I realized I had nothing in my hands and I put everything in the wrong place.

VanN0strand · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sitting in my truck while on a conference call listening through my AirPods. I got out of the truck to stretch, I somehow thought that I left my phone at home and started searching frantically for it in my truck. I don’t know why but I started with the rear seats and then on to the front, only to realize that my phone was on the dash and I was on a call at the time.

HugeTheWall · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to finger spread zoom-in on a backlit menu outside a restaurant. It was not a giant touchscreen. Also have done this with things printed on paper.

TheRobocrat · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work security on a lot of overtime hours. I'll answer my phone "-name- security, Officer TheRobocrat" a lot and I patrol a public area and to ensure the clients are being checked on we had checkpoints to scan. Being public, I sometimes go there off work and I'll instinctly gravitate towards these checkpoints and reach behind my back for my scanner which just ends up looking like me grabbing my own ass weirdly.

ProHunter17 · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once on a co-op game, the objective was taking long but since I was quite good at the game so I let my friends do the objective so they can at least get some experience. Turns out I was zoned out mindlessly killing all the enemies ignoring my friends screaming at me in both voice and text chat. They had to kick me for the game to end since they had it done half an hour ago...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have found peoples phones in their fridge. More than once. First time it was my ex-step sister, second time was my gf, who lives with me. Made fun of them for WEEKS.

swifty448 · 1 points · Posted at 04:40:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on a campaign that encourages people to get home safely, not to drive while impaired. I was on the microphone for 7+ Christmas parades this year so I’m used to singing Christmas songs as I walk and then saying “On behalf of ___, we encourage you get get home safely this holiday season! Please don’t drive while you’re impaired” or “... please don’t drink and drive”....

So during one parade I accidentally mixed the 2 sayings and said “please don’t drink impaired” and it was at the busiest point of the parade route so everyone laughed at me for it 😂😂😂 I laughed it off but I couldn’t believe it happened!

UnknownOverdose · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went downstairs and started urinating in my downstairs trashcan that was in the kitchen. In the middle of it I thought "what the fuck?" Then I walked to the bathroom and finished.

beesheep · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking in the morning and I said "good afternoon" to which the gentleman replied... "Good night".. Both of us in auto pilot... Loool

mubi_merc · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"You're in theater 4, enjoy your movie"

"You too!"

avelgranges · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was getting ready to leave, put my socks on downstairs and then realised my shoes were upstairs. Went upstairs, took off my socks, and went back downstairs.

Amozite · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was taking my final test for drivers ed, and my instructor tells me to make a right turn. No problem, I get to the light, stop, and then make a turn. Then he says: "The light was green back there, why did you stop?"

opalesense · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks, you too!"

Every year for the past four years that I've worked in member service (where my workspace gets decorated by my coworkers), this has happened to me. At least once, usually more.

Jealous1988 · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My life

Warga5m · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While I was working in customer care.

Customer: “That’s everything, thanks for all your help!”

Me: “You’re welcome sir.”

Customer: “Alright. Cheers. Goodbye. I love you.”

Me: “Oh er... I love you too.”

....

hangs up

kramwham · 1 points · Posted at 04:41:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the scissors in the fridge. Found them next morning. I was 9 years old.

seeyoumatane · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting at the front of the church I said to my best friend at the time ‘open your mouth let me smell your breath’. She did. Then I ask ‘did you brush your tongue? Your mouth is stinky’. Just imagine my fear when I caught what I said, who I said it to and most embarrassingly, where I said it. We still laugh about it from time to time but I’ll never forgive myself. I honestly thought it was one of my kids.

doitnowplease · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I just asked my husband (literally 15 mins ago) if he was gonna go poopy. He gave me a look of horror and I cringed hard as the word “poopy” tumbled out of my mouth. We don’t have kids. I don’t know why I even said it. 🤷🏽‍♀️😂

newbscaper3 · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my phone in the freezer and by the time I found it, it was literally frozen. I was trying to get a ice cream bar but somehow I put my phone in the freezer.

enterprisebestgirl · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to find my glasses in the whole school to later found it in my hands

catbrains21 · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a store where we were trained to great everyone who walked in the door with a "Hello!". We had a bell that when off when the door opened. I was with my sister once in a jewelry store on my day off. This jewelry store had a similar bell to the one I worked at. Someone came in the door and the bell went off, I promptly turned and yelled "Hello!". I got some strange looks. Embarrassing.

AmberTrees · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lit the filter side of my cigarette.

itsalliefersure · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Starbucks. I have been to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered a “Trenta” which is equivalent to a large at Dunkin’ Donuts. I can’t go there anymore because the same girl witnessed me do it twice.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told a client with the same name as my mother, “I love you,” after a call then hastily hung up. Everyone else on the call mocked me for months.

dandizzles · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve once shaved while my Tesla was auto piloting.

newyorkcitycop · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Masturbated?

lena_h16 · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once googled "where is my phone" when I lost my phone. Oh, but that's not all... I googled it on the lost phone.

Not my proudest moment

chairsock · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I dropped my electric razor in the toilet while using it, and my think-quick reaction should have been to grab it out, but instead my brain sent my hand to the flusher and down it went. It got stuck in the curve of the drain and stayed on for about 2.5 minutes before it died! 😂

AnthropomorphizedIce · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my dad.

When he first started dating my now step mom me and my brothers were young and he was raising us by himself. They went out to eat and my step mom ordered a steak. When it came out my dad cut it up into bite sized chunks like he did for me and my brothers. Luckily she just laughed it off but he said he was super embarrassed at the time.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the toaster in the fridge.

SeriousPenguinIssues · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said "love you" at the end of a call to a client...

meir52dcs · 1 points · Posted at 04:43:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once served myself a bowl of cereal and instead of putting the milk in the fridge and the cereal in the cabinet, I did the opposite. I then left for work and the milk proceeded to go bad in the cabinet. My wife is the one who discovered it and I felt so stupid.

Greenhorn24 · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven to my exgirlfriend's house instead of my girlfriend's....

Warga5m · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made myself a cup of coffee whilst talking on the phone to a client. When it was ready I picked up my book, went over to my sofa, put the book neatly on the side table and threw my cup of coffee on to my sofa down next to where I was going to sit.

Fuck.

Catfishdm7 · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kitchen folk might enjoy this. I was hand mixing a small batch of whipped cream. No distractions, I was staring at the bowl the whole time. I watched passively as my hands over-whipped that shit into oblivion. Confusion and disappointment came quickly.

NFLinPDX · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked right into the women's bathroom and there was a lady just finishing washing her hands. I stopped, looked dead at her, looked back at the door as if it would say what restroom I was in on the inside, then said to the lady "this... isn't the men's room"

thanatos703 · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I wrote "name" on my paper instead of my name. The teacher thought I was being sassy or something. She was being a raging bitch.

Kysche14 · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve gotten in the shower with my socks on. I’ve also put cereal boxes in the fridge before because I’m lost in thought. Lol

LibertarianBread · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend had just shown a video project we did for history class, and he asked me "My video was a bit cringe, wasn't it?" I wasn't thinking, and gave a half-hearted "yeah" which we both were suprised to hear me say because I actually respect him a lot. It was a rough time.

BigBIue · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat down in the toilet with both the lids up, then promptly put them both down and sat again ffs

anniele27 · 1 points · Posted at 04:44:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to click my car key fob to lock my apartment door. Started to get mad when it didn’t make the beeping locked noise and continued pressing it. It was like 5 clicks in before I realized

MrWagner · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife (fiance at the time) and I make kissy faces and noises to say hello/goodbye to each other. I was working in a school across the state from her and apparently my brain decided that I hadn't met my quota for kissy faces and so the intervention specialist got a kissy face from across the room as I left. I about died.

nessager · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up in a panic at 6.50am, why the hell hadn't my alarm woke me up?. I should of been dressed and getting ready to leave by now. So I jumped in the shower to get ready for work, I had no time for breakfast and was so late and about to leave the house.... then remembered that it was a bank holiday. :(

PoWdA101 · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guy in my office farted and I said "bless you."

bugme143 · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After I got out of high school, I was working 11am-7pm shifts at a local 7/11, 7 days a week. My parents were Jewish, with my step-mom being more hardcore than my dad, but I wasn't. One particularly rough week, I got out by 9 pm, and I drove home. We were invited to a friend's (Jewish) house for dinner. I was pretty frazzled because my usual thing was I'd get home, grab some leftovers, go downstairs, play games until 2am or so. So we all get in, the friend (he's a rabbi) starts the prayers. I'm not entirely there mentally, just sorta following along. He finishes, but before we start eating he looks around and says "Does anyone else want to say a prayer?"

Something clicked in my head and I mumble out "Praise the lord, and pass the sauce."

Dead silence. I swear my step-mom's heart stopped because this guy was pretty important in the community. My dad was doing a mental inventory of the tools in the house for digging a 6'x3' grave for me in the backyard.

Then the rabbi bursts out laughing. Moment of tension shattered. I sorta came to, realized what I said, and turned the brightest shade of red ever. My dad started laughing and said "Of all the times he quotes MASH...."

angelgirl399 · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to play tabletop games with my dad who knew the rules really well, so if I needed something I would just say “dad, how do I do [insert task]”

Well, a few weeks ago I was playing a game with a few friends and my boyfriend as the DM, and I needed help with something so I look to my boyfriend and just go, “Hey, Dad— ......” and after realizing my mistake just closed my mouth and went red in the face. My reaction probably didn’t help my case.

CombatSixtyFive · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have definitely tried to scroll down on a page while reading a physical book... i think I might spend too much time on my tablet

ONEXTW · 1 points · Posted at 04:45:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Highschool.

Baclant · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i put my dog in the trash and put the bag of trash on the leash

zachattch · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My life

dragonbabyzzz · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told the dog "bless you" when it sneezed.

PickleBeast · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to use my phone’s calculator to call someone once. I finally realized my mistake when I couldn’t find the call button, after I had been looking for it with increasing panic for an embarrassingly long time.

The_OneThat_Knocks · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Freshman year of high school. Football practice started a few weeks before classes did. We were drilled to say “yes coach/no coach” when addressing our coaches. First few days of classes all of the football players did this with teachers. All of the non football player students were so confused and we felt like idiots lmao

bruitdefond · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ran over a squirrel in the road and paid the kid's family 20 acorns to keep the insurance companies out of it.

zuestra · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long night of studying when I was in college. I decided to go to Wendy’s to get some food. I roll up to the drive through and I try to order a McChicken. The drive through guy tell me “sir, this is Wendy’s.” I say back to him “I know, I want a McChicken please” took me 3 tries of until I realized I was an idiot

koningVDzee · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured cola over my fries thinking of mayonaise

mego_land · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making coffee one morning and poured some cereal into a bowl while I waited for it to finish brewing.

Coffee finished brewing and I poured it right into my cereal.

FrostyFreeze_ · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I refer to my boyfriend as babe a lot and I have a friend named Brian...

The amount of times I've called Brian babe is embarrassing

TheMasterGeek13 · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a lot younger I told my family chiropractor “bye, love you.” I didn’t even realize it at first.

AbeLincolnsMistress · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked at chickfila in my high school days, lunch would get busy and the fastest way to get the lid off of a whipped cream can for milkshakes was to slam it against the counter. Rather than trying to peel off the safety strip around the lid.

I got extremely good at hitting it at the exact angle on the counter’s edge to cleanly whip the lid off in order to perform maximum milkshake toppage.

Anyway this created a horrified scream of confusion from my mom when I performed this practiced move on autopilot while preparing for a family dinner. Wow was she mad and confused.

Kindraer · 1 points · Posted at 04:46:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to kick a ball down the hallway as I walked past it and completely missed, my response was to blurt out 'fuck wrong button'

Spydirmonki · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been working a grueling warehouse job for a couple years, in a string of many years of many warehouse jobs. I had finally gotten fed up with being cheap labor with no room to advance, on top of the shitty hours and the blame always falling on the warehouse when the office messed up orders.

I researched my options for going back to school, enrolled, and spectacularly quit that shitty job with righteous fire. Harsh words were exchanged liberally.

My first day of school, bright and early, I drove to my former place of work and sat in the parking lot for several minutes before I realized A) this was not school campus and B) I was very far away from my first class which started shortly.

powergorillasuit · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have had a habit of saying “excuse me” when I burp/fart even when I’m completely alone edit* for years now. Can’t turn it off.

danstem · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This morning I poured boiling water into a glass already filled with orange juice.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working as a security guard at a popular nightclub. One night I was guarding the VIP area when undercover police came through and flashed me their badge, instead of letting them through I told them the needed to show me a drivers license and said “No ID, No entry.”

telemachus17 · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Chipotle. I worked the front of the line so I'd always start with "Welcome what can I get started for you today?" and end with "enjoy!" During rush, our manager would call out the online orders so that we didn't have to interrupt the line too much. On one occasion he came in holding a receipt and I gave him my standard opener. He laughed, and called out the order. Still managed to hand him the finished product, stare dumbly at him,and say "enjoy!!"

RangoMcGruffy · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put Doritos in the freezer and ice cream in the fridge

beaniebaby9 · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do overnights at a restaurant and then go back in for a morning shift. Either always said have a good night or I'd jumble my words and say have a good nay.

Admiralpoindexter · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend's mom once answered the phone at her work and recited the pledge of allegiance

KasperBrasse · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does rape count?

Pixelator0 · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was visiting my then-girlfriend's family for the 4th of July in Seward Nebraska. I was going to leave at midnight and drive back East to where my family was, get about 4 hours of sleep, then spend the 5th with them. Well, as I was leaving Seward, because it was an unfamiliar place at about 1am (I was a little late leaving because that girl was difficult to leave), I accidently started driving West instead of East. And I didn't notice I had gone the wrong direction until I hit Grand Island, about an hour in the wrong direction, and noticed that it was definitely not Lincoln. I had to turn around and keep driving for another hour just to get back to where I started, and then spend another couple hours just to get to my family's place and sleep. I was so pissed at myself, and so damn tired the next day.

SilverRock75 · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was supposed to drive my friends from our college campus to a McDonalds about 5 minutes away. I drive us back to our apartment 15 minutes away. Since the three of us were caught up in conversation, my Auto Pilot screwed us and I had to drive back.

dragonbabyzzz · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked for my phone, while talking on my phone.

ebowron · 1 points · Posted at 04:47:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 19, an intersection near my house that had been a two-way stop turned into a four-way. After 4 years of driving straight through, it took a few weeks to get used to the idea of stopping. Luckily there were no accidents!

Similarly, I’ve treated more than a few stoplights at stop signs accidentally.

Good thing I live in NYC and don’t drive anymore. Sheesh.

jaded68 · 1 points · Posted at 04:48:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My thing is taking an afternoon nap and getting such a deep sleep/rest that I have a mini heart attack when I wake up and see the time on the clock-not realizing that it is pm and not am!

ImperatorConor · 1 points · Posted at 04:48:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hit home on the GPS and it went to the wrong address, I drove over 100 miles before noticing

joelothepolo · 1 points · Posted at 04:48:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got ready for school and headed to the bus stop.

It was Saturday.

2cycl3fn · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As someone who does fire alarm testing, I can't begin to tell you how many times I've gone into a building and started looking over all the components... I've been asked many times why I'm looking over everything when I'm not working.

MotionlessWar · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was high and I decided it would be quicker to bring the two liter into my room and pour it into my cup but sadly I did not pour it into my cup. Instead I poured into my lit candle

gen3stang · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed my buddies girlfriends hand she was sitting in my passenger seat and he was laying down in my back seat because he was drunk. They called me to give them a ride home because she doesn't know how to drive a stick. Either way we were headed down the road and I grabbed her hand and intertwined her fingers and mine and kissed the back of her hand. I thought she was a friend in my sleepiness. She could not stop laughing and he still rags on me to this day. She said I was bright red. Considering I'm Mexican the fact that she could tell how embarrassed I was from my skin tone says a lot.

psychicfork013 · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have put shower gel in my hair more times than reasonable

ScotsDoItBetter · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So used to texting my gf that I once called my mother baby over text.

TasticVampire · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked................into a wall

007jg · 1 points · Posted at 04:49:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a brief moment, I thought everyone commenting were jet owners and was like damn

JosefMcLovin · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my mom was driving my sister and I to elementary school, and then driving the opposite way to work . We were sitting in the back quietly the whole car ride while we watched her go the wrong way and drive 45 minutes to work.

btssmgss32412 · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked for a short time as a dishwasher at a restaurant when I was a teenager. For those who’ve never worked in a kitchen, when walking behind someone, you have to yell “Behind!” So people don’t turn around into you with hot pans and stuff. Anyways, for like months I would yell “Behind!” while trying to scoot around people at home and in public. One of those things I just got used to saying without thinking because I was constantly doing it all day long 😂😂😂

BluellaDeVille · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know Oola, what have YOU done?

chickenlaaag · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the cordless phone in the dishwasher by accident. Didn’t realize until the dishes were done and I went to unload it. Brought the phone into Radio Shack to get repaired. They told me they couldn’t fix it but had at least identified the problem - excessive water damage.

DominatorDP · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holding trash in one hand and cash in the other, then proceeding to throw away the cash and hang on to the trash.

Similarly, holding my phone in one hand and food in the other, then proceeding to put my phone in the fridge and hang on to the food.

I am not a smart man.

Picomanz · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said "behind" to people when I walk behind them in public. Kitchen habits die hard.

Anonymous4245 · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost giving insulin to the wrong patient

Ho boy, that would have been quite tragic

Lolo811 · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a waitress. The other day I gave a guest their check and said, "here's your drink".

awildrunnerappears · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Straight up ate rice off of the bottom of my foot mid-conversation with my husband that I'd stepped in while cleaning up our baby's meal. The most alarming question was how many times had I done it without a witness to call attention to it!

Kikipoopska · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving home after a long day and feeling flustered. In a panic, checked my coat pockets, turned around and went back to the office because “I forgot my car keys”. OOF.

Also worst blond moment of my life.

motherofbadkittens · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a place we had to "badge in" when I got home I would "badge in" also.

billie_dlwyns · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in the days when I had a flip phone that had 2 different songs downloaded on it, set for alarms and every ringtone, I got a text around 3 in the morning. "The Good Left Undone" by Rise Against goes off, and I promptly get up, shower, dress, make breakfast, and get as far as watching TV before my dad comes out and asks, "..... Why are you awake?" I'm sure a hilarious and probably very sleep deprived conversation followed.

just_not_witty · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a receptionist for a while. I would always answer the phone saying the company name and then my name, as in "McDonalds, this is Jill."

One day someone walked in for a meeting, and I looked up and said those same words to them before I even realized what I was saying. The poor guy just stared at me because he did not know what to do. It was very awkward and unbelievably hilarious.

Perfectony · 1 points · Posted at 04:50:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I touched a still person in a store thinking she was a mannequin.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holding microwaveable breakfast sandwich in one hand, grease napkin in the other. Throw away sandwich, take bite of napkin.

bluebugeyeguy · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Selling tickets at a movie theater, sometimes I would tell distracted people “enjoy your movie” and they’d say “you too!” And I’d laugh, they’d blush, it was great.

ichigoalkean · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once was walking with my friends , a group of middle schooler girls passed by holding to each others hands , was too stupid to notice the proximity so i hit one of them and all of them fell hard on the ground . they looked at me, i looked at them then out loud i fuckin said "ThAnK YoU" , then i started running running running and wished i died.

Bethanykf · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a family gathering then I was little, super focused on eating my popsicle. My uncle was leaving and came to kiss and hug me goodbye. Instead of giving him a kiss I licked his face.

uglyfatchic · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently walked into the breakroom at work and joined a conversation my coworkers were having. I then walked over the the microwave and opened it before realizing my coworker was standing right in front of the microwave and her food was inside and the microwave was running..everyone thought I was such an asshole.

This is surely not the most embarassing, but the most recent and the one I can remember.

Also my sister still laughs at me about the time when she opened the cabinet to get a glass out and found a half empty carton of orange juice. I have also misplaced my wallet by leaving it inside the refrigerator.

AsianJimHalpert13 · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When people at restaurants or movie theatres say "Enjoy your meal/movie." And I reply "You too". It's just a force of habit but also embarrassing.

RoyalHollowKing · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy birthday!", "Thanks, you too."

Bowl_Lord · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's gotten to the point where I just start laughing with the waiter every time I respond "you too" to "enjoy your meal"

And when cinema workers say "enjoy the film"

Literally whenever any human providing any service tells me to enjoy the service they're providing...

bannedMeFuckiT · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for your cell phone while talking on your cell phone. I can't be the only one.

Nova997 · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pour my coffee in my poridge

Lmchx · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my girlfriend making me a birthday cake she wanted to, I wanted to help. Time for the cocoa powder, I read the instructions. Loud and clear, 4 cups.. wait 4 cups?! I messed up my cake and was upset. I apologised profusely to her. She fixed it lol her parents loved the extra cocoy taste. It was all good in the end

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:51:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I called a teacher “mom” in elementary school.

Tyrantdeschain19 · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude... I get lost on the 101 on a regular basis because I zone out...

Cleiona · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once strained soup

rhdragonslayer_94 · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled up to the gate entering my friends neighborhood (I guess I live in a good area) and told the security guard my PIN number to my neighborhood to let me in..we both had a good laugh...

lil_thicc_memer · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

called a few teachers mom more than I'd like to admit

NoNewsNetwork · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not quite autopilot, but the other a day a 7/11 cashier told me “good morning” at 11:00 pm. I was really confused so I didn’t say anything back but I felt kinda bad. Then when I was paying for my food, she asked if I wanted if I wanted my receipt. I said “good morning,” she said “what?” And then I said “no” and left.

SciviasKnows · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had plans to get together one day with this guy I hadn't known for very long, when he calls me in a panic: "My car's been stolen!" We hung up so he could call the police. About halfway through that call, he remembered what happened: the night before, he had run out of toilet paper, so he drove to 7-Eleven a block away, then forgot he drove and walked home. Sure enough, his car was still parked there.

Can't believe I married him after that...

Iagobud · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Interpreted to non Spanish speakers, just poof said it in spanish. Then burst out laughing.

kileypomegranat · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured our Brita water in my cereal instead of milk. I only noticed after I put it back in the fridge.

purpleoctopus42 · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a pretty tired and wandering around best buy with my brother when I sneezed. I then automatically said "bless you." A second later I thanked myself for saying bless you. To myself. My brother stopped and asked what was wrong with me ...

missammyy · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in child care and one time I was on a crowded train and a toddler had pooped himself so I enthusiastically exclaimed "someone needs a new nappy!"

My sister was horrified. 😂

conundrumbeat333 · 1 points · Posted at 04:52:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Like general living autopilot? Or are you actually talking to you airplane pilots ha ha

808sandsourgrapes · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I teach first grade and instead of clapping and cheering (which can get very loud and disruptive with 24 kiddos), they do “silent cheer” which is essentially jazz hands. I do it so much in the classroom that I did it in a room full of adults and someone asked if I was trying to shake something off.

sushiandfrijoles · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was dying my cousins hair once and when it came time to wash the dye out, I grabbed a small stool, sat her down and she leaned against our tub. I guess I was running on a very INTENSE autopilot because I take my pants and underwear off and hop into the tub. She started freaking out when my bare ass was flapping in the wind next to her face and I didn’t realize what I was doing til I grabbed the soap.

bakeban · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to get a teacher's attention and after saying her name a couple of times, "mom!!" Came out. She must have been on autopilot as well, because she immediately said "yes, dear"

solger304 · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I road the bus for all of my schooling untill my senior year of high school so naturally I started driving ever day besides the few time I was so auto piloted I road the bus home and realized shit I drove to school and another day I got on the bus and another day I got in my car and saw the bus and I just turned my car off and walked over to the bus and I almost got on then realized what I did

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just my job at Staples as a sales associate and started working at Amazon Books as a sales associate (yes, Amazon has some physical bookstores). A couple of times when people entered the store, I said, "Welcome go Staples"! I would get a puzzled look from the customer and then I realized my mistake. Did the same thing when answering the phone. Luckily, I have a pretty goofy and humerous personality, so I always got them to laugh or at least chuckle.

Karljohnellis · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but one of the regulars who owns a tyre services behind the petrol station i work at, comes in and gets two coffees every morning for himself and the guy who details cars next door just after he opens his garage(its about 15 metres behind my building so he obviously just walks round), he came yesterday morning as i was taking my break. He filled his car before opening up, came in and got his coffee, walked outside with me, just left his car on our forecourt and went to work, i took my half hour break then when i came back, his car was still there, i walked round to his building and hes sat leaning back in his office chair. I ask him "you forgotten anything?" It clicks in his brain instantly then he jumps out of his chair and runs to his car like something out of a cartoon.

bigt · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In 2004, my grandpa passed away. My ex-girlfriend called to express her sympathies and condolences.

In spite of the fact we had been broken up for two years - and I was the one who broke up with her - I ended the call with, "Goodbye, babe. I love you."

We got married in 2006.

getinwhereufitin · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drive.

munbulan · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bought a mineral water from an airport convenience store near boarding gate. The cashier wished me “Have a safe flight” and I replied “You too”.... Quickly walked out of embarassment.

lousymom · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was on the phone with my mom and panicked because I couldn’t find my phone. My mom is so helpful, she said “did you look in your car?”

NotSymmetra · 1 points · Posted at 04:53:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last year around Christmas I was cleaning the counters at my retail job and a customer came up to purchase something. I grabbed his item and accidentally sprayed the barcode with cleaner instead of scanning it with my scanner.

He was super cool about it but got a good chuckle.

8UP_ · 1 points · Posted at 04:54:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was typing to a friend “i’m hungry” and ended up saying “i’m [name]” and they’re like i know lol

FudgieBudgie · 1 points · Posted at 04:54:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh I have one!! I work at a Panera, and when walking through a swinging door to enter the back of house everyone shouts "Door!" in case your hands are full, or someone is past the door. Sometimes I enter the restroom saying "Door!" And sometimes when shuffling through coworkers carrying a hot soup pan, we forget to declare "Hot soup!" and we end up saying "Door!" instead. I can only imagine how our ruckus sounds to customers.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:54:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a Dunkin Donuts that has a Drive-thru and I am usually the order taker. This means I only take orders and repeatedly say “Hi, how may I help you?”

One day I go to a different Dunkin than my own and walk inside to order. When I reach the front counter I immediately say “Hi, how may I help you?” The lady looked at me very strangely and I felt very embarrassed.

IWantToBeAProducer · 1 points · Posted at 04:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my college professor mom once in front of my peers. I was 23 years old and married at the time...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually eat canned tuna when I need to eat something very small. Once I opened two cans of tuna (cause I eat a lot), thre away the tuna in the trash and put the cans in the plate.

I just went to the table and my wife was loke "are yoi high again?"

I realized what I did and just said that I wasn't sure if I was high.

LasPlagas93 · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my Dad. He would always have to carry my brother and me to school when we were in elementary. One morning he was so tired and groggy. There was this woman who worked in the office that was a midget/dwarf. She was very short and many of the kids were taller than she was. My Dad bumped into her and said "oh I'm so sorry sweetie" thinking she was a little girl. They both stared at each other for a minute until it hit him. They both had a good laugh and she thought it was funnier than he did. My Dad was mortified.

chrisbetti · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife reads out loud on road trips while I'm driving, and without fail I reach for the volume to turn up her voice.

Tyrantdeschain19 · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in advanced technology support at a call center. After my son was born, I slept no more than two hours each night. I would think about sleeping constantly. I was very tired and had trouble talking at times so one day I answered the phone like this ... "Thank your for choosing(insert one of the two satellite TV service providers) , may I ask who I'm sleeping with?"

Emil8ner · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not really interesting but about three years ago I got a helix piercing in my left ear. Got used to sleeping on my right side because you can’t sleep on an open piercing. Yesterday I got an industrial on my right ear so I slept on my left side for the first time in years and all night I kept turning into my right and my eyes would shoot wide open and switch back to my left in pain.

oversized-cucumbers · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes try to open the door to my house with my car's key fob.

JonnyMcHappyPants · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Remove milk from fridge, Grab glass, Pour/drink milk, Put empty glass in Fridge, Put milk jug in dish washer, Turn on dish washer.

crumblymumbler · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently say "thank you" to atms

OnlyPaperListens · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm reading a book, I very often look at the top right corner of the page to see what time it is.

Blakeheaddd · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I alched my whip on my Ironman Last week, when I was half asleep.

toin9898 · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going to wipe after doing my business and instead of grabbing toilet paper I dispensed hand soap into my palm.

creamyvegeta · 1 points · Posted at 04:55:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was holding an ice cream sandwich and my deodorant, bit one and rubbed the other on my armpit

thecreaturegollum · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a server and bartender, and at kroger I'll yell "CORNER" and "BEHIND" to unsuspecting shoppers at 6 in the morning after a long shift.

Klyde_Duce · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dinner at my girlfriend's parents house with her brothers eating bbq and after pouring some bbq sauce I licked the excess bbq sauce from the mouth of the bottle, a weird habit I developed living on my own for many years and one of her brothers watched me and gave me the weirdest look ive ever gotten but then proceeded to pour some for himself after a small chuckle.

alrightproceed · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A ton of my friends at school all happen to have names that start with A. We all call each other by the wrong name on a regular basis, but one time my friend Alex called our friend Angie by his own name.

rosyatrandom · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Back in the late nineties, I was friends with some girls in my undergraduate halls. While one of them was making an expensive long-distance can to someone (family or boyfriend, I'm not sure) in India or Pakistan via one of the pay-phones in the lobby, we were all hanging around the area and chatting. I zoned out a bit, and started idly tracing the surface of the phone with my finger. It was ok right up until the point I found everyone staring at me in shock, and I realised I'd just pushed the button to hang the call up

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In woodworking, I will often use a nail gun to hold pieces together while glue dries in odd-angled joints. I pulled a piece out of the clamps (no nails) after the glue dried and was about to run it through the table saw to trim it at an angle. Instead, I just grabbed the nail gun and popped in about a dozen nails at different spots. The brad nails are basically impossible to remove, so "correcting" that mistake ended up adding about 90 minutes to the job.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and a friend were on the phone. Neither of us use phones much at all, aside from her and her mother and me and my wife.

End of the call, she says "ok, have to go, love you" and my immediate response was "love you too." Awkward silence for a good minute before we nervously laugh and end the call.

Fast forward a few years, we're now best friends and that's how we say goodbye every time. But still, awkward as hell when it first happened.

Bonobo1727 · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally brushed my teeth with Icy Hot because I thought it was toothpaste. The worst part is I didn’t notice for about a minute.

ErahgonAkalabeth · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Them: "Happy Birthday!"

Me: "Thanks, wish you the same!"

Awkward pause Melts into the wall

nanepb · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've posted this before but here it is again:

One time my wife and I were getting chinese carry out from a buffet and working together to fill the styrofoam container when I saw her get some sauce on her finger from a serving spoon. I immediately, without missing a beat, put my finger to my mouth and gave it a lick while still looking at her finger.

She saw me do it and just kind of made eye contact like..... dafuq? I stood there for a moment while I processed what the hell I just did. Then we both had a long laugh about it

RockyMountainHighGuy · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I’m getting coffee in the morning and I’m still half asleep, I will open my creamer cup and pour it straight into the trash rather than into my coffee. I feel dumb as hell every time.

Praesto_Omnibus · 1 points · Posted at 04:56:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a lady standing by the hot stoppers at Starbucks waiting for her drink, and when I grabbed one I said thank you to her.

sweetpotatoskillet · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gave a woman in a wheelchair a seat

zalinanaruto · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

fellow Canadian almost bumped into me so I said sorry.

V0LKEIR · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my friend threw his glass of juice on the bed instead of his phone

Run4It400 · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my phone in my pocket, then started looking for my phone again.

flolikepoe · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at the gym with my brother who has black, frizzy hair and I thought I saw him at the tricep dip machine. I was done with my workout and I went over to the machine and had my hand on the back of the seat and ended up staring off into the distance while waiting for him to finish his work out.( Keep in mind, I had only seen him from behind.) My ACTUAL brother comes up behind me and scares me out of my thousand yard stare. Then I realize I've been weirding out this poor dude for god knows how long and I just book it out of there while my brother follows me, laughing his butt off.

JetFuelGeezus · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me...but watched the Captain fight the autopilot for control of the aircraft after performing a CAT III AUTOLAND. He was trying to steer it off the runway towards a high speed taxiway while the autopilot was trying to maintain the runway centerline. I had to tell him to disconnect the autopilot so we could exit the runway... He was pretty embarrassed. He said in his defense that was the first one he had done in the actual aircraft in the 20 years he has been flying it.

greatlakesenergt · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There is a popular beer in my city called Christmas Ale. I was out all night drinking lots of them and had class the next morning. I woke up, went to Starbucks and ordered a grande Christmas Ale, I meant to say Christmas Blend. Barista and the line laughed.

Death_To_Your_Family · 1 points · Posted at 04:57:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for a dental insurance company and normally I would say something like, "Thanks for calling insurance company name, have a good day," to end the call. But on this call, for whatever reason I said, "thanks, love you!" Like I would if I were talking to my Mom. I was so embarrassed as I heard the guy hanging up and say to under his breath, "Did she just say I love you?"

EminemsMandMs · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just got off work and was on the interstate going home, which is about 30 minutes away. It was getting pretty dark and I was yelling in my car at some woman who didn't have her lights on in traffic. We hit stop n go traffic and I kinda zoned out thinking about the woman. Then about 5 later the car in front of me was stopped. The guy then opened up his car door and shouted "Pretty dark to have your lights on, eh?" I looked down and realized my lights were on (car has an automatic light setting i usually have on). I just thanked him and switched my lights on. I was so tired from work I wasn't even paying attention. Pretty embarrassed because I've always thought I was a good driver but I've had a few incidents recently and this one made me realize I'm a pretty shitty driver and it's something that definitely requires a lot of attention

seredin · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
bojorquezmatt · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

! ppp

starrynight_princess · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove 5 miles past my job and ended up being 25-20 min late

PatientCaterpillar8 · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was late to leave but my sis was having a crisis. I stayed in the phone with her while looking for ....my phone...When I couldn’t find it I finally mouthed to my 4 teenagers with my finger to my lips in shush mode ’help me find my phone’ even with my kids pointing at my head and cracking up it took a second.

slarksama · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My roommate and I usually order 2 different pizzas and split it. This one time we ordered the same pizza, and there I was dividing slices from both pizzas :|

PancakeFantasy · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often make a “kiss” noise/gesture at my fiancé when he glances over at me. I did it to one of the girls I work with the other day. Twice.

ChemicalCalypso · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talk shit about other peoples’ incompetence while I completely fuck up what I’m doing.

BareNuckleBoxingBear · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once reintroduced myself to someone who I had known for years. My girlfriend and I were meeting some of our friends, one of her's was supposed to be bringing their new boyfriend of whom all I could remember from photos is that they had facial hair. Being bad with names I was planning how to introduce myself AND remember their name in my head. When we approached the booth I instinctively stuck out my hand and introduced myself, however, little to my knowledge the new boo had to cancel and instead it was the boyfriend of one of my GFs good friends. They had been dating for longer than us and it had been countless times that we had met and hung out. Almost a year later and we still joke about it every time we meet.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up, poured a bowl of cereal, rinsed it.

sharkcrayons · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm our office's EAFP rep - basically means I've got some extra training to be a peer counsellor. I had a coworker finishing her shift and came to me to take a few minutes to unload everything that was bothering her. I was overtired myself and after listening and debriefing with her, I said "well just go home and end it all", meaning, like, "the day is over, go home and take a load off". Holy crap did I feel like an idiot. Its a good thing we work in an industry which thrives on dark humour and we both had a good laugh.

TwistedYZ · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was starting a bonfire in the back yard and was using my phone light to collect kindling from the woods. Got the fire going decent and went to the wood pile to get some bigger stuff, still using my light. Went over to the fire and promptly threw my phone right into the flames. It took me a second to realize what I had done and luckily I was able to kick the phone out of the fire. Good thing I had a case on it!

toz-cec · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day me and a co-worker were peeling stickers off books. more than 90% of the stickers came off in little chunks and pieces but when finally a sticker came 100% off clean and perfect I audibly said "oh yes daddy!" lol. Got awkward there for a minute.

TheWriterinRed · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old man and I have a stupid thing where we call JCPENNY JCpenis. We've called it that for years and it never really left my vocabulary.

Cut to me my sophomore year of college. I'm in my principals of marketing class and my professor asks me for various department stores. I'm not really paying attention and I start to list of some.

"Dillards, Macy's, JCPenis..."

Everyone goes quiet and my professor starts to laugh.

Didn't realize what I said until she told me.

blindtobeauty · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a freshly four month old infant. In my sleep deprived stupor I carried the laundry hamper out of the bathroom into the living room because "she was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her up"... Thought it was baby in her bouncer.

redditpat · 1 points · Posted at 04:59:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got to the end of a page and tried tapping the edge of the book that I was reading several times, wondering why the words weren't changing.

anniecatt2 · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

crack egg / throw yolk in trash can / throw shell in bowl

Haffas · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walk right off the elevator when it stops before my floor. We all do it as it turns out!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a grocery store while I was in college. One day I was at the register, and my mom and grandma came through my line. I completely failed to acknowledge the fact that these two women standing in front of me had changed my goddam diapers. Total mindless drone auto-pilot mode.

audsz · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Disneyland for a few months, to this day i still point to places/things with either 2 fingers or my whole hand.

tappin_dat · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I brush my teeth I usually spit in the sink, then turn around and with my mouth with a bath towel. Well one night I grabbed the towel and wiped my mouth facing the sink, then turn around and spit on the floor.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My 20s

HulaKloner · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my fourth-grade teacher Aunt Lisa. My teacher was a guy

BraveLlamaStare · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve put a fully prepped bowl of cereal into the fridge and taken the milk jug to the table with me more than once.

SickScorpion · 1 points · Posted at 05:00:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

saying sorry every time I accidentally hit something in the house like doors, tables, etc

koopooky · 1 points · Posted at 05:01:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a retail call centre and we'd have to ring down to our shop floor staff to check stock items. One day the shop floor phone was just ringing and ringing. I must've zoned out from boredom until several minutes later I heard a sudden voice, "Hello?" that brought me back to Earth. I immediately straightened and fanatically fired off, "Good afternoon, you're speaking to Koopooky at retailer name, how may I help you today?" Silence on the other line until..."Erm you called me??" Me: "Oh.......erm yeah....erm I was just err wondering if you could check......" :/ Embarassing as heck. It didn't help that the shopfloor staff hated us already.

Fudgcicle · 1 points · Posted at 05:01:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left my keys in the fridge after getting a glass of orange juice, I didn't realize until I tore my apartment up looking for my keys before work. I called into work and let them know I was going to be late, decided to make some breakfast, and Bam there they were right in the fridge.

Jewtw0 · 1 points · Posted at 05:01:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I meant to write the word poor and then found myself writing the word poop

InkFunkFu · 1 points · Posted at 05:01:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 10 years old or so I was having a conversation with my mom who was in the kitchen, and I had to pee. Mid- conversation, while I was talking, I walked into the kitchen, flipped up the trash can lid with the foot pedal and started relieving myself. Still talking. She just stared at me like what the hell are you doing, and started laughing when I had this blinky eye moment of snapping out of it like, ...wait, what the hell am I doing

buckygrad · 1 points · Posted at 05:01:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought this was about Teslas.

Dead_End_Street · 1 points · Posted at 05:01:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

BEHIND!

ammarie15 · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my home with my key fob.

damiandiflorio · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can only remember stopping at like 5 stop signs ever. Other than that, it’s anyone’s guess whether or not I fully stopped at the thousands of others I’ve come across...

Narwahl_Whisperer · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at little caesars once. One night, the phone rings at like 2 AM. It woke me up. I answered it "thank you for calling little caesers".

sugarbitch · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting ready to go to a party with friends, I had just finished fixing my hair in the bathroom when I grabbed the toilet paper like it was a beer & walked out with it. Definitely made me question if I was becoming an alcoholic.

DoomRide007 · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving to a job I have now worked at in over a year. Which was an hour away. I had worked there for six years. So for some odd sleep deprived brain figured it was time to go to work. Try explaining to the,misses why you are an,hour away 6 am in the,morning for no reason. Yea.

mglovin · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once gently and quickly caressed my brother's butt, thinking he was my girlfriend.

He was hosting thanksgiving and we were all talking in his kitchen, while preparing foods. My girlfriend was sitting the room and I was talking and looking at her My brother was next to me. As I smiled cross the room. At my girlfriend I got the urge to give her a little affection in the form of a quick lil caress. Somehow my wires got crossed I “knew” I was looking across the room at her. And yet there was a body next to me. So I sort of clapped my bother on the back, which is not uncommon. But then I slipped my hand down his back, looking at my girlfriend and rubbed down over his cheek. And sort of just rubbed it for. A Second The feel of his hairy ass through his thin gabardine slacks woke me from my reverie as my brain slowly registered that this is not what her but feels like. I I looked up meeting her incredulous eyes across the room...

YourJ · 1 points · Posted at 05:02:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a Sales Rep and need to take photos of shop fronts before and after a store visit, called Check In/Put photos. I was so tired when I got home after work a few weeks ago, I automatically took a check in photo of my garage.

Death_To_Your_Family · 1 points · Posted at 05:03:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my highschool boyfriend did this when we were like 16 years old. I was standing next to one of our mutual friends that was a guy just hanging out. My boyfriend came up behind us and he would sometimes just putting his hand on my butt or whatever, but this time he put his hand on both of out butts. It was not intentional, but it was hilarious when our male friend looked back at him like, "what are you doing bro?" We all laughed about it years later.

thelovliestlemon · 1 points · Posted at 05:03:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When someone asked me “What’s Ligma?” I replied “It’s Spanish for Updog”

Dogslug · 1 points · Posted at 05:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I took off my glasses so I could take off my shoes, and a few days later took them off so I could take my underwear off.

ackme · 1 points · Posted at 05:03:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in wine, so almost always have a wine key in my back pocket. Go to my late wife's family's for the first time at Christmas. Leave the wine key because flying.

Christmas Dinner. Family is trying to include me, so they ask "Ackme, ca you open the wine?"

Sure I can! I stand up, take the bottle of wine, and instinctively reach for my wine key. It's not there, so I try again, even dogging around in the pocket with my fingers.

My wife's whole family watched me play a solo game of grabass at the Christmas dinner table.

goaT_17 · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once while getting ready for the bath I took all my clothes off and threw them into the bath tub and walked out of the bathroom.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was peeling an orange while watching a video.

I ended up saying "this is just like peeling an orange!" Before realizing I was peeling an orange.

Zan_der9 · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was just finishing up at the grocery store, I was on the phone with my dad earlier, and before ending the call he told me “have a good day, love you” I said “love you too.” Normal right. Anyway I get up to the register and get checked out, the cashier hands me the receipt and says “have a good day” and I took the receipt and said “I love you too.”

hipopper · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked for my phone for like 10 minutes while it was in my hand.

BLEVLS1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was very hungover and trying to cook breakfast, I was cracking eggs into a bowl for scrambled eggs and putting the shells down the garbage disposal. About my forth egg in (just as my roommate walks into the kitchen) I zoned out and cracked the egg right into the drain. We had a good laugh.

PrincessPattycakes · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a relay center relaying phone calls for/from deaf people to/from hearing people. Obviously we are on the telephone line with the hearing person and on a computer chat with the deaf person and we type what the hearing person says to the deaf person and speak what the deaf person types to the hearing person basically just acting like a computer. When we were asked to repeat something we always had to say, “operator repeating” and then repeat the thing. Once I was at a drive through ordering food and the cashier asked me what I said through the speaker and, obviously, I said, “operator repeating: ....” and repeated everything in my robot voice which we had to use at work. I didn’t even know I did it until my friend stopped laughing and told me. Loooong explanation, little payoff, I know....

obeyjam · 1 points · Posted at 05:04:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I brush my teeth in the shower in the morning because I feel it saves time (I usually brush while washing all the soap off) . This has happened a few times, but some days when I'm really groggy in the morning, I will put my face wash on my tooth brush by accident. I'm ashamed to say I haven't always been sharp enough to catch myself before I get a mouth full of face wash...

Corvusepia · 1 points · Posted at 05:05:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took my dog's pills. Twice.

manderifffic · 1 points · Posted at 05:05:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I washed my hair with body wash a couple times. I had purchased a different brand than usual and it looked like the shampoo bottle and it took me too long to realize what I was doing.

kitty_logan · 1 points · Posted at 05:05:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hugged the telephone repair man goodbye at work. We were a close knit office, but he wasn’t part of it.

DownToFarm · 1 points · Posted at 05:05:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Classic put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. Everyone's done it. I think...

sueveed · 1 points · Posted at 05:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making stock - extracting collagen from bones by simmering in water for 6-12 hours. You buy bones and meaty bone-in pieces of whatever kind you’re making, throw them in a pot with water, and many hours later you have liquid gold which is strained of all the spent bones and vegetables.

So I finish a 12 hour beef stock with $20 worth of bones. Walk to sink, hold strainer, strain said liquid gold straight down the drain. Hang head in disbelief and shame. Buy canned broth at store instead.

blacksourcream · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend was over my place with his new girlfriend. They called each other babe every other sentence. During the conversation, I proceeded to call my friends girlfriend “babe” and not blink an eye. It was at this point that our smooth conversation had screeched to deafening silence for about 10 seconds. At this time, my brain instant replayed the previous interaction, and I realized what had transpired. Blurted a hasty version of “I’m so sorry, that was a complete accident.” This wouldn’t be a big deal now, but we were young and my social skills were severely underdeveloped at the time.

homeric29 · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Several years ago:

Answering my home phone line with the mandatory script I used at work. (ring ring ring) Me: Thank you for calling _____, how can I help you? Friend: Wtf.?!?

senorkangchez · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not completely sure if this is an Asian thing or not, but growing up, my mother would instinctively use her arm to brace me if she makes a hard stop. I picked that up habit and do it all the time. A few weeks ago, I was driving this girl I was into and was bracing her with my arm but my hand landed on her boob completely on accident. Very awkward drive for me while she was poking fun at me the rest of the drive.

iredditlikealurker · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I like to smoke. Cigarette in one hand and phone in the other, I’ll ash my phone. Or I’ll try to take a hit from my phone. Happens more than I’d like to admit

pintac__ · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I take public transit almost every day so on multiple occasions I’ve tried to pull the cord to request to stop in an Uber or friends vehicle. I get my hand up as if I’m going to pull the cord and then I’m like wtf... and slowly put my hand down.

lapinnoirxo · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was saying prayer for dinner and I said "thank you for choosing Chick-fil-A! How may I serve you?"

vanvan1224 · 1 points · Posted at 05:06:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

College days, sooooo tired, ordered coffee got 2 creams, opened the cream poured the cream in the garbage and put the container in my coffee...twice! Didn't notice until I looked down and saw 2 empty creamers floating in my coffee.

TheRedTzar · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to plug in a waffle I was trying to toast instead of the toaster itself. I held the waffle to the socket for an embarrassingly long time while the toaster was slung under my arm.

TyroniusTheGreat · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where I work we have stop signs at every intersection that you have to honk the forklift horn before going through to alert any pedestrians. I some times honk at stop signs on the highway and get weird looks.

civilservant223 · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finally something I can comment on.

I got a coke out of a vending machine. When I bent down to pick up my change my gum fell out of my mouth. I caught the gum, change in hand and proceeded to pop the quarter into my mouth. I turned around to a girl giving me a very puzzled stare, at which point I had to decide whether or not I wanted to spit the quarter out or act like it never happened. I spit it out in front of her and we had a good laugh.

cookiel0ve · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Funny thing is I just had one of these moments this morning. I was on my way to work and it wasn’t until half way there that I noticed my 1 year old son talking gibberish which then made me realize that I still had not yet taken him to his baby sister which is in the complete opposite direction.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

first time coming home from college after being with my (first ever) boyfriend. got used to "full" kissing i.e. lips parted and the whole deal for months. my mom went to kiss my forehead good night and she was met with my attempt to make out. ill never live that one down

Damn_Dog_Inappropes · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A couple years ao I had the flu. My loving husband made chicken stock from scratch so he could make me soup. When the stock was done, he carefully poured the stock througha collander to strain out the carcass and herbs, just like spaghetti. Including the part where the liquid goes down the drain.

1SwellFella · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The classic, try to put shaving cream on your toothbrush bit. It doesn't taste as good as it smells.

MjrGrangerDanger · 1 points · Posted at 05:07:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

New job in college, training on answering phones.

Pick up first call with manager next to me and answer with "Thank you for calling something something care, this is MjrGrangerDanger how may I help you?".

New job was in housing. Hadn't worked at the previous place for over 3 years.

BR0JAS · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tell my husband after a phonecall, "Thank you for calling _____ have a great day."

Vengince · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not as crazy as everyone else's, but once when I was in junior high I took my laundry basket and started putting my dirty clothes in the dish washer. I put like half the load in before I realized.

MapleLief · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every day when I come home from work, my cat greets me at the door. So, whenever I open it, I say “hello, friend!” and he comes prancing up, meowing about his day. Well, my friend and I came back to my place and when I opened the door I did the usual, “hello, friend!” My cat never came. It took a few seconds for me to remember that I had sent him home to my parents’ house for Christmas. My friend I was with was like “uhh... hello?”

Jigsaww-wtf · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During a break of what was long tiring day at work, I grabbed some snacks and coffee at the convenience store, went up to the register and promptly handed over my wallet to person manning it. She took it and tried to scan the non-existent bar code on the wallet. Good laughs were had after about 10 seconds of bewilderment by both parties.

benji-21 · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for a marketing company doing door to door sales.

On one occasion we were working out of town and staying at a motel. I went to reception to ask for the Internet password after a long and tiring day in the sun.

The moment I got to the counter - rather than ask for what I came for - I started to do my pitch for about 5-10 seconds before the thoroughly confused look on the receptionists face reminded me where I was and what I was doing.

I hastily said "uh.. never mind, could I have the Internet password?" and high-tailed it out of there feeling like a knob. 🙃

d0nut94 · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a trainee in the navy then when it happened. We were going through the toughest part of the training phase and everyone has a servere lack of sleep.

There was one morning we were all supposed to get up for our daily morning exercise. I woke up, took off the jumper I wore to sleep, wore the jumper as though they were pants, wore another set of pants over, and went out of for the exercise. Everyone was wearing jumpers and pants while I was the only one with a singlet on. When I realised I fucked up, my sergeant major was already there and I had no choice but to fall in with a different attire.

The day didn't go well with my jumper under my pants.

FembotFemputer · 1 points · Posted at 05:08:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at 2 different restaurants. My girlfriend asked me to bring home food from the one I was working at that day so I thought to myself “cool I’ll just order after work”. I forgot what restaurant I was at so when I get to my car after leaving I call to place an order to the restaurant I had just walked out of and was sitting in the parking lot of. The worst part is that I was a cook so I literally could have prepared it at any time and just paid on my way out, but then someone else had to make it.

Skitsafrit · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working two different sales jobs and got the patches reversed on multiple occasions. Nothing like approaching a customer in your own store and loudly asking them "Hey quick question who do you use for cable?". I worked at a shoe store.

BrittanyBallistic · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked for my phone for 10 minutes while I was on the phone with my mom. I grunted in frustration while I was looking under couch cushions when my 4 year old asked what was wrong.

The look he gave me when I said I was looking for my phone was all I needed to feel like a dumbass.

tarunn2799 · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my female boss 'baby' during a heated conversation, thanks to my girlfriend.

AugustusWoodward · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Replying "you too" to people in crossing when it is definitely not the appropriate response. Makes me feel like a dumby everytime.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picking up my dog’s poop when he randomly decides back to get up and walk away from me. I grab the leash with the open bag full of dog crap and I walk the 20 minutes back to my house with a poopy leash.

SchereSee · 1 points · Posted at 05:09:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I went to school I wouldn't sleep much at night, which meant that the lack of sleep would build up for a while until one day I'd go to bed right after school. I did that and woke up when it was dark. My clock said 6:45. I got up, packed my bag, brushed my teeth and got dressed, only to find my mom sit in the living room watching TV. I was confused as hell why she wasn't at work until I realised it was 6:45pm.

My clock is set to show 24 hours instead of am/pm since that day

Phantasor · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have those soft / quiet close hinges on my cabinets at home. You can "slam" the cabinet door with a decent amount of force and it will still close whisper quiet. This invariably leads to me slamming the cabinet door at anyone else's home and confused / startled looks from whoever else is there.

JiggaPleez · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Movie theater ticket checker: “Enjoy the movie”.

Me: “You too”

yazoo213 · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent a whole weekday off indoors, on my phone. Later began texting with my cousin, venting about some difficult family shit from Thanksgiving. After getting myself nicely worked up, I then switched topics to complain about my aunt, in probably the harshest words possible, but sent all 7 messages like rapid fire to my aunt.

marlasings · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was asleep when my parents called me on my birthday one year, my response to being told “Happy birthday!” was to really excitedly wish them a happy birthday too.

samansadayo · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked not one but TWO eggs over the floor instead of the bowl. Both in the span of two minutes.

nofearspeed82 · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nearly called a coworker “babe” because they were yelling something at me across the office that I couldn’t hear and say, like I do everyday, “what’s that babe?” But caught it as soon as was pronouncing the a in babe

zebberman · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Take pizza out of the oven at work..box it...cut it...then open oven and put whole pizza box into oven

ThePolishPlunger · 1 points · Posted at 05:10:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving to school and noticed my keys weren't in my pocket so I went home to get them.

the-mildest-wings · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t drive due to not being able to afford insurance, so my mom often picks me up from work. One tired day I walked out of work, got into a car, sat down and proceeded to go “you would not believe the day I had..” to a random stranger who was in fact, not my mom. And not even driving anything close to my moms car. That one was fun to explain.

p0rkch0psandwich · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This a is a little less extreme than some of the others on here, but as a server, yelling "corner" as loud as I can in public places.

Shep_The_Sheepdog · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got a Gameboy Color for my birthday many moons ago, and was so absorbed in it that when my aunt stopped by and wished me a happy birthday, I wished her one back.

TheFabulousCrett · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

garbage in the fridge, milk in the trash can

michael-scott9986000 · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tossed my GLASS plate from across the room into the trash can cause I’m so used to using a paper plate. Learned my lesson immediately, glass was everywhere

MiryahDawn · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've caught myself patting my boyfriend on the back like I'm trying to burp him. Long nights with a newborn will make you do weird things.

Gas_mask13 · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a ...thing with food. Once on a date I grabbed a girls burger and flipped the patty because the cheese was on bottom. I dont know why I did it or what I was thinking I just kinda zoned out.

Another instance of this same kind of thing was when I was hanging out with a friend in his truck. We were talking and laughing and a wasp flies in the window and lands on the cupholder. This specific cupholder when closed sat flush against the dash and hand to be clicked in and would spring open. We both locked eyes and he slammed the cupholder closed. We could hear the pissed off little thing inside the hollow interior slamming against the walls like an insane man on a padded cell. I reached over and clicked the thing open the wasp flew out madder than hell. It buzzed around the interior looking for something to sting and as it did my friend looked me dead in the eye. Not an ounce of fear or anger only betrayal. He just whimpered out "why?" As the wasp stung him and flew out the window. I didn't know why. I still dont know why. I'm sorry man.

Narwhal_Chicken · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up to get ready for school one winter day (usually got up around 6am) so the fact that the sun hadn't come up yet was no biggie. I showered, then realized after I got out that no one else in my house was awake. Checked the time and it was 12:30 in the morning!

sheendog · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the seventh grade, completely zoned out during a friends presentation. At the end of the presentation everybody started clapping which I guess sort of abruptly snapped me out of my daydream. I immediately began to make the sign of the cross. Was so embarrassing and weird.

finnthehuman1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wear glasses, one day I forgot them at home. I was in the middle of a conversation and adjusted my glasses... but they weren’t there. I literally poked myself in my brow. Needless to say, the people I was speaking to gave me the weirdest look. 😂

DeuzLaharl · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at a clinical lab one time, doing HIV test on some samples and there were two special ones (from the same guy) who were specially delivered for testing from another state, handed to me by both of my superiors.

As routine demanded I've got the samples and joined then in one of the flasks (for volume purposes, same material), leaving me with one empty flask and one with blood plasma. Then I proceeded to throw the full one at the biological dispose bag while holding firmly the empty one. I've had just lost the most important sample of the day.

I've made up a quick story about the sample falling of the rack and reported to my imediate superior, he was like "welp, you will take full responsibility and will report to the boss". So as I did.

Next day the client had called off the exam, my boss ordered me to set the sample as "sample lost by equipment error" and for a couple of days both superiors keep talking "can I give you this sample? BUT DON'T LET THEM FALL OKAY" and "hey hole-handy".

TheTylerTownsend · 1 points · Posted at 05:11:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I go out drinking I always end up tucking my shirt in my pants after going to the bathroom because I always tuck it in at work, very awkward coming out of the bathroom at a ball game for my friend to say why the fuck is your shirt tucked in

Larry-Sanchez · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 16 I worked at Arby's. For some reason, when working drive thru, I had this odd habit of saying,

"Welcome to Wendy's! Would you like to try our classic beef and cheddar sandwich?"

Most customers wouldn't realize.

Westwood_Shadow · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw away $30 while cleaning my desk. Luckily i realized what happened before taking it to the dumpster.

fscrook · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kept calling my math teacher "dad".

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At box office “Enjoy the movie”

“You too” [facepalm]

Zack0_ · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

asking my classmate where is my pencil despite being right on my hand

TurboTime68 · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to walk thru the subway turnstile forgetting to swipe my Metrocard and got gutchecked by it and the wind knocked out of me for a second. A few people noticed

milkman_eyeballs · 1 points · Posted at 05:12:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

crack egg in pan turn around shell in trash

crack egg in pan turn around shell in trash

crack egg turnaround throw egg in trash

NainPogneurDanus · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened to me a month ago and im still laughing about it. I work in a deli meat store and we have pepperettes that come in plastic bags and we make little portions of them on styrofoam plates. That day i made a hole on the side of the bag and i reached inside the hole, grabbed a handful of them bad boys and i asked myself.... wait how do i get my arm out wheres the hole i made???? To this day i still wonder how im still alive...

emwylder · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So used to showing security my student ID to enter my university’s residence halls, I once handed it to a police officer when asked for my ID.

RationalRhino · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in a call center. Answered my personal phone with “Hi thank you for calling [company] this is... oops”

More than once have gone to strain some broth I was cooking and poured the broth down the drain and ended up with a colander full of bones.

GOB224 · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My existence

bendanger · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At dinner once, a friend was telling me how while purchasing two tickets to Pittsburgh from a remarkably busty airline employee requested "two pickets to titsburg!" After a long laugh, I related the tale of the time I meant to say "could you pass the salt honey?" to my wife and accidentally said "you've wasted my life you stupid fucking bitch I hate you". Lol.

camartinart · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a Harry Potter nerd, I read a lot about the books maybe more than the average person. The internet likes to abbreviate each title (Harry Potter POA, Harry Potter GOF, etc.) Every time I see Chamber of Secrets abbreviated as Harry Potter COS, my brain inescapably reads “Harry Potter Cosine.” One day when talking to another real life human being, I said out loud, “You know in Harry Potter Cosine—“ before I could stop myself and realize I’m a total goober.

aliceinvegasland42 · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a financial office as admin and I answer phones to help our field reps all day - I was talking to a guy about his brother who had been found unconscious the day prior and was now in the hospital. The rep was taking it well and I was saying mostly appropriate and consoling things...until the very end when I just reflexively ended the call with "Have a great day!" and followed up with "er...as...good a day...as you can..."

...

jennyanthajets · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peeled a banana, and then, threw away the banana whilst I kept the peel.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to go the library yesterday, and I met a friend in between so after talking to him, I just zoned out and walked right past it so had to go back

dRGSr · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took out three eggs for scrambling. Put bowl by disposal/sink. Proceeded to crack all three yolks/whites down the disposal. Looked at the empty bowl. Cue three more eggs.

MeridianOne · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started a new job and drove to my old job instead.

MrxWalrhizonkey · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time on Christmas, in full view of everyone, I sat down in a computer chair without noticing someone else had moved it to sit in it and fell on my ass

lookforme123 · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shit myself.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I helped my aunt and her family move across the country. I spent the time watching her three kids while she and her husband dealt with the move.

After a whole summer of quickly turning the babies bottle upside down to make sure the nipples was on right I started turning my cups upside down to check before taking a drink, dumping out everything in the cup.

loloandi · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Often, if I’m really tired and the alarm on my phone goes off in the morning, I’ll try to answer it and get really pissed off that no one is there.

FeelTheRide · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ending personal phone calls with "thank you for calling abc company, have a great day!" I've done this to my husband half a dozen times.

Edit: also, while on the phone with my mom I started freaking out because I couldn't find my phone...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:14:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to open my front door with my car key... using the remote button... More than once

shafferrr12 · 1 points · Posted at 05:15:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Hello thank you for calling ‘place of work’ this is shafferrr12 can I help you” when answering my cell phone.

Kurly_Killa · 1 points · Posted at 05:15:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once went shopping at the supermarket, did my usual thing placing everything I needed into a basket but instead of paying, I just walked straight home basket in hand. I didn't realise until I put the basket on my kitchen table and was putting stuff in the fridge that something was up.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:15:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited for a stop sign to turn green

Armord1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:15:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once called my girlfriend by an ex's name. That was awkward as fuk

In my defense.. their names are very similar. Leann and Lynn

pipsqueak998 · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used a frying pan to brown meat then roast it in the oven with the same pan (oven safe). Instinctively grab the handle because it never is hot when I cook on the stove. Burned myself pretty bad.

I've done it so many times that I now just transfer the meat to a dish for roasting.

sassy_the_panda · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

crash

Vurtigone · 1 points · Posted at 05:16:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Literally yesterday. Kid gives me a lollipop to unwrap. So I did... then threw the lolipop away and handed them the empty wrapper.

The look of pure anguish and rejection on their face broke my heart. I think that in the children's minds teachers, or most adults for that matter, are simply incapable of making a mistake. So when you do something like this to them they must think it's intentional. Like "Fuck you, that's all you get."

Maebyfunke37 · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Were you able to replace the candy?

Vurtigone · 2 points · Posted at 10:24:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to run to the shops to get one

Chuckweb · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked in the ladies bathroom, by mistake because my dentist moved to different side of the same building and the restrooms switch sides on that part of building. Walked in, sat down on toilet, then noticed the sanitary napkins dispose trays and figure out I was in the wrong place.

DrThrowawayToYou · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg into the trash, then dropped the shell in the frying pan.

I've also started the big coffee machine at work without putting the carafe under it.

I function better after coffee. I promise.

supremepatty · 1 points · Posted at 05:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at McDonald’s, cooking fries, I fill the basket with frozen fries, and usual procedure is to put the basket into the vat to cook it. I dumped the entire basket straight into the fry vat.

guaptimus_prime · 1 points · Posted at 05:18:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling my teacher mom...

brevz123 · 1 points · Posted at 05:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your mom hehehehhehe lul

EggrollsForever · 1 points · Posted at 05:18:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put the cereal box into the fridge and the gallon of milk into the cabinet.

DuncanKerrS · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shoplifting. Bread and milk. Real big ticket items.

distinctive_label · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I knocked on the door of a public restroom.

At my main job, there are one-person staff bathrooms. I always do the standard two quick knocks and, most often than not, its unoccupied and I walk right in.

At my second job, I use a public restroom because it's more convenient. I walk over to the restroom, do the standard two quick knocks and walk right in. Two girls washing their hands with a confused look on their face gave me the side-eye and then it hit me what I've just done and said, "I have no idea why I just did that." They start laughing and one says, "yeah, me too."

The doors could not have been any more different. The one-person has a heavy, dark brown wood door with a metal door handle. The public restroom is a push swing door that's a light colored wood. Yet, I've conditioned myself to knock twice on doors when I have to pee at work.

josharmour · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started to undress on the bleachers at the pool of my elementary school. We would all assemble at the bleachers before separating into the locker rooms to change into swim wear. I was so distracted one day I started to strip down to my underwear on the bleachers before some girl shrieked and I snapped out of it. I was so embarrassed...

Littlemaddystar · 1 points · Posted at 05:19:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was tired one night driving home from a friend’s place and I just...forgot that red lights were a thing. I slammed on my breaks so hard that my car shifted into neutral. Which I didn’t know was a thing that care could do but mine did lol

THANK GOD it was late at night and there was nobody behind me.

TK211X · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was flying all day. Finally get back to the home airport and go to my car to go home. Hop inside the car and start looking for the master switch to power everything so I can start the engine. After a solid confusing 3 seconds I realize I’m in a car.

alberthere · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”

Me: “You too”

FlyingPurpleLesbian · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pointed my car keys at my bicycle to “lock” it

kaybuddy · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a medical provider, I always knock on the door before I enter a patient room to give the patient notice I’m about to enter. This is in case they’re getting dressed, preparing to show me what’s been injured or what needs to be looked at. I am so used to knocking, I often accidentally knock on the door to get to the waiting room to bring a patient back . Or even to enter the bathroom. Yea. My colleagues just laugh at me.

jkbewb · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is going to sound so stupid but I need to get it out.

I was 15. I has been dating a guy online for several months (Nexopia, yay) and he had just arrived in my town I believe a day earlier. We were sitting down for dinner with my family. We were having burritos. I remember my younger brother asking my then boyfriend to wrap his burrito for him.. I zoned out somewhere here. There was an unwrapped burrito next to me, and I though “oh yeah, I’ll just wrap this”, so I did. Turns out I wrapped my then boyfriends burrito for him while he wrapped my brother’s. Super awkward. I’ve been holding this embarrassment in for 10 years.

christianrrios · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm Male, and was working full time + while going to school, pretty nullified at that point,

working as a vendor inside retail locations They had me at one store for quite awhile then told me to go to a new location

the problem is where I've been used to at my old store at the time the " Male" bathrooms on the right & "womans" on the left, and they were side by side

BUT this new location the doors were facing each other instead, and zombie me I walked into the womens restroom and didn't even think about how there was only stalls in the there, took a full on dump and after was washing my hands when a worker there I was friends with walked in and starting touching up her make up in the mirror beside me. Just said "Wrong bathroom, huh?"

Very liz lemon moment in my life.

Neirchill · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but I have one for this.

I was making scrambled eggs. I usually make four eggs at a time for a meal. While preparing I crack an egg, drop it into the bowl, and throw the egg shell away. The second one I do the same: crack the egg, drop it into the bowl, and throw the egg shell away.

On the third one I crack the shell, drop the egg into the trash can, and throw the egg shell in the bowl.

I stared at it for a solid 20 seconds trying to figure out how my life turned out so horribly wrong.

Fot_On_Yots · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to Dunkin Donuts; I said “Fill it, Cash, Regular”.

chemistginger · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work, I have put my wallet in the fridge and my lunch in my locker more than once.

Also, my workplace has most of its doors secured so that I have to scan my badge to get through. I’m notorious for trying to use my badge to unlock my car.

jockonarock94 · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some context. I lived in a tropical country where ants attack sweet things like shoppers on Black Friday.

So one Friday morning I was going to work. I was gonna spend the weekend at my girlfriend's parents house. She made me a peanut butter sandwich for lunch at the office that day. And you should know that I am not the sharpest for like the first 2 hours in the morning.

At lunch, I couldn't find my sandwich. Fuckkkkk I must have left it at home. There's no way I can leave it there for the whole weekend. Ants would've gone nuts about it. So I had to go home from the office during my lunch hour to get rid of it.

When I got home I searched everywhere in the kitchen and couldn't find it.

As I stood dumbfounded in the kitchen, I realised that I had the sandwich in my backpack all along

She still teases me about this till this day.

TeCoolMage · 1 points · Posted at 05:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put the dishes in the bin and the trash in the sink

mydrunkenwords · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I workout in the morning then go to the same store almost every morning. Accidentally put something in my pocket before buying it right in front of the clerk. Proceed to say out loud " wait I can't do that" as I pull out the item.

kwoodall · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was riding with my friends and was giving directions. This was before smartphones with GPS so I had carefully written everything out ahead of time.

I zoned out a bit and at one point instructed the driver,

"You keep going straight down this road for one mile and then turn green at the light."

I didn't realize what I'd said until I noticed everyone was looking at me like I'd grown another head.

haraaishi · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't like the idea of my dog drinking out of the toilet.

Whenever I'm at friends' houses, I always put the toilet lid down after I'm done. I'm waiting for someone to call me out.

hawtt_hosewater · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking through the corridors at work, turn the corner and nearly collide with someone. Instinctively make the PSST noise I use to shoo my cat out of the way when he runs underfoot. I did not know this lady, and did not stop to explain. I've really stopped caring

kwrafzy · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend woke me up while I was sleeping and asked to use my phone, i pulled up my hand and started trying to push the button on the front, bottom of the screen and was confused as to why it wasn't working (I thought my hand was my phone). I was confused for 5 minutes after

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I honestly came to this thread expecting to read stories of pilots doing crazy shi*

winefox · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was holding a pen and a lollipop. I accidentally licked the pen!

Japandali · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my last job, I worked on the 16th floor of a building. To get the elevator every day, you would go to the console in the lobby and select your floor and it would direct you to the elevator you were to take. And outside of close/open door buttons and the emergency buttons, there were no buttons in the elevator itself.

I routinely will get in an elevator and stand there for several minutes without selecting a floor because my brain just expects any given elevator to already know where I need to go. I think I stood in one for 7-10 minutes once before I realized it hadn't moved and I needed to press a button to get somewhere.

lostinNevermore · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a cashier and a customer wanted items rung up in separate transactions, as I started the second transaction I would immediately start the initial greetings and questions I said for every new customer....the ones I just had said as I rang up the first purchase.

Jam8Crazy · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After having a double shift and really long day at work I hopped into my car, put my keys on my lap and tried to somehow hook my phone up to the ignition to start her up.

Took a minute of being 100% dumbfounded before it clicked.

langel1986 · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My old job had magnetic cards you wore around your neck with your ID to grant access to certain areas of the building. I was a warehouse Pharm tech who dispensed narcotics to nursing homes. Most of my day I had to swipe door panels to enter multiple access points. At least 10 times a day.

Being overtired I have swiped to get into both the front door of my apartment and a bathroom stall numerous times.

Me....sees door, swipes automatically...now a natural reflex.

ElizaWhit · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I woke up late and I was in a hurry so I went to brush my teeth and my hair at the same time, but I ended up with hair brush bristles in my mouth and a tooth brush with a glob of toothpaste in my hair.

softcronch · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a starbucks with a drive-thru. handed a guy his very full, very hot coffee. a drop of it spilled out on his hand. me, 7 hours into a 9 hour shift immediately thought "aw fuck I'm gonna get sued" but rather than grab a napkin I gingerly tried to brush the coffee droplet from his thumb with my own hand. basically petted him. instantly realized I was too tired to be allowed in public.

Level_99_Healer · 1 points · Posted at 05:21:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Years ago I was working at a local Holiday Inn and on this day, I was in charge of answering the phone and forwarding calls to the correct desk. It was a really slow day, so I took the opportunity to break out the new Harry Potter book (book 6) which had just come out and which I was nearly done with.

Unfortunately, I was at the beginning of the sad part (trying not to spoil for those who haven't read them, though at this stage Why the Hell Haven't You Read Them?!?!) and just in silent tears when the phone rings. Not thinking at all, I answer with my sobbing voice "Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wiza... oh no. Um...I mean Holiday Inn, what can I do for you?"

I was pretty young and so I fully expected to be reprimanded, but I look up and not only is the person on the phone laughing at me, the entire office is in silent giggles. No more reading while answering work phones for me.

privatiieer · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

well just today i was hanging out with a friend and i offered him some water but he didnt notice the water had a bit of ashes from a joint i smoked earlier. he said he’s fine but will need one after we smoke again and so i set it on my desk forgetting about it. i drink water on autopilot all the time and this time I didnt notice the ashes that i planned to get my friend to drink. i didnt notice it until a bit after when i noticed the bottle was empty and the taste was barely noticable.

C4TD4DDY · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me answering the door: “Hey how’s it going?”

Delivery guy: “Great how are you?”

Me: “Awesome, how are you?”

Delivery guy: “ummm, good.”

It’s not longer weird or funny because it happens almost once a week, but it’s always embarrassing.

A_Purple_Blueberry · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had my earphones in but wasn’t listening to any music. I was stuck in the car with my noisy family on a long road trip and kept trying to turn down the volume on my phone, thinking it would somehow make everyone quieter.

Attention_Bear_Fuckr · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My usual eating spot asks if you want to round up your total to the neareat dollar and they'll donate it to charity. I eat there a lot and the customer is the one who enters the amount to donate on the eftpos machine.

Anyway. Cue me and a date at a fancy restaurant and I'm asked if i want to make a tip on the eftpos machine.

Without thinking, i round it up by 10c and hit enter. I tipped the waitstaff 10c out of habit, at an amazing restauarant in front of my date.

I was mortified.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:22:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured what I imagined was a nice tall glass of orange juice directly into my bowl of Cheerios.

alexbayside · 1 points · Posted at 05:23:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moved house. Out of my parents when I was younger to a house about 20 minutes away with friends. I’d had a big night and did a smoke bomb, getting into a cab by myself, and directed the driver to my parents house I’d been moved out of for a month or so.

mathaiser · 1 points · Posted at 05:23:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Moved houses 9 months ago. Went back to a friends house I hadn’t seen in a few weeks. Drove to my old house from his house. Totally wrong direction, was just so used to it.

jaxxon · 1 points · Posted at 05:23:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn't find my sunglasses. Looked in the refrigerator. They were on my head.

ackme · 1 points · Posted at 05:23:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife passed away, and I've recently started dating again.

I have now twice, while laughing at something a first date said, smiled, stared into their eyes, and said "I love you."

michaelsdino · 1 points · Posted at 05:23:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove away from a gas station when the nozzle was still in. Thankfully it didn't rip out the hose though. If you are wondering why this happened I was incredibly sleep deprived.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:23:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the library in my underwear once when I was 10... My Dad decided not to tell me until I found out...

hockeygoalie78 · 1 points · Posted at 05:23:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I gave most of my graduation speech on auto-pilot. Seems like it went well.

VhilliBon667 · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was wondering where my Cellphone went, while reading on it.

Apathetic_Jumpkick · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After getting off my 7th consecutive shift at my retail job, I went out to dinner with my girlfriend. The waitress took our order, and as she was walking away, I instinctively told her to “have a good one.” It was weird in the moment, and weirder for both of us when she had to return for refills.

Magic_Sex_Bomb · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking through a shoe store, browsing the wall of shelves of shoes. I’m about to pass through a doorway to get into the second room of shoes, and I can see out of the corner of my eye that someone is lingering near the doorway and generally just standing around being an ass. As I get closer I realize that they’re blocking my pathway, so I turn around to say “EXCUSE ME, PLEASE”. Right as I inhale and start to speak, I realize I’m staring, and yelling, at myself.

😑

I’m just thankful that I didn’t smash face first into the mirror.

Rocky__c · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A girl i know grabbed something that was in a high place (She is 1.56 Meters tall) (She is exactly my type) And for some reason once she got down this words literally just slipped out of my mouth: "You have no idea how fucking hot you look right now" and i slapped myself mentally because i didn't even think about it.

MystifiedByLife · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to bed black-out drunk one night and woke up the next day buck-naked... except that my belt was fastened tightly around my torso. I only slightly remember struggling clumsily getting my pants off and the belt, I assume, was an autopilot malfunction.

LegendaryPuppy95 · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the habit of using a coffee mug as an sound amplifier for my phone while my car’s usb wasn’t working.

One morning when I was running on very little sleep, I plopped my phone in the mug to listen to a podcast on the go. About a minute later I realized the mug wasn’t empty.

That’s how my last phone got replaced and I started using Thermoses.

Barbara1182 · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had something on my mind at work & actually dispensed hot water into a cup & gulped it down! (Hot/cold water dispenser with the big bottle on top). I thought I was going to die! Felt so stupid as the dispenser handle for the hot water is bright red - duh!

iluvcats93 · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

tried to unlock my back door with car clicker. many times

_Civil_ · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've worn my slippers to work more often than I'd like to admit.

timxkh · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work and helping the rice through take orders. I later stopped helping the drive through and proceeded to move my headset into the top of my head and off my ears. I later thought I was going crazy or developed super hearing for being able to hear the drive through taking orders from inside the building. Manager let me go a good twenty minutes before I figured out I wasn’t going crazy.

SpookyJones · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to try to lock my desk with my car key fob when leaving work for the day.

paulthefonz · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Meant to swipe my employee I’d as well as throw away a wrapper, tried to swipe the wrapper and threw away my id

creative-username2 · 1 points · Posted at 05:24:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to go to the grocery store with my boyfriend one morning after not getting much sleep the night before. I got in the passenger seat and went to buckle my seat beat when I realized I was still holding my 1 year old son instead of putting him in his car seat.

JamesVD315 · 1 points · Posted at 05:25:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work dumping the trash out. I throw the entire trash can in the dumpster. Not the bag. The entire can.

I do this semi-regularly.

mgsbigdog · 1 points · Posted at 05:25:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a volunteer firefighter. During the summer, most of our calls are for wildland fires and for those calls you take off your street clothes and put on nomex pants and shirts. But, if it is a motor vehicle accident or a regular structure fire call you keep your street clothes on a put your bunker gear over the top of it. Well, we had a motor vehicle accident during the summer so I head over to the fire station and get in front of my locker and strip down to my underwear...then I look over at my crew mates all looking at me sideways. I quickly pull my pants back up and grab my bunkers and throw them on as quickly as I possibly can.

Alcohol_Intolerant · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have a a thing at my library where librarians on the 2nd floor will call down for books that may still be on first in the circ room. We'll call them back once we find it and they tell the guest. So I find the book they want and I go to call them and the conversation goes like this:

"This is Sadie at 2nd floor Youth Desk"

"You've reached the *** City Library, How can I--Oh god damn it. We found the stupid book." Then I hung up in shame.

Then I have to stop myself from asking someone if they need any help finding anything when I'm at my local library and not the one I work at.

And if it's been busy at the front, I've definitely asked coworkers assigned to relieve me "Hi What can I help you with today?" Jesus lord almighty.

payeur11 · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pointed an imaginary remote control at my Science teacher, trying to turn up the volume.

The_Sloth_Rogue · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured cream Into a coffee cup and went to hand it out the window with no further steps

xiola_nobody · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Have a great day!" "You too!" "Thanks!" Sometimes the you too doesnt come and I'm left saying thanks to silent air.

Obscu · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured tomato sauce into my coffee. Just... Stared at it for 15 seconds and sighed.

rooster68wbn · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After working in health care for the better part of a decade. I knock on doors that don't need to be knocked on to see it's ok to enter. For example the inside and outside of my Jeep door, exiting my own home, elevator doors, glass sliding doors as the slide open. Man long shifts will fuck your world up.

Novcaine · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bumped into somebody at the airport Them: excuse me Me: thank you

Did not realize my mistake until I reached my parents and thought about it

Pannycakes666 · 1 points · Posted at 05:26:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I taught English in primary school in Vietnam for a bit. They have a super infectious hand washing song that many of them sing during their morning assembly.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said have a happy Winter Break (2 week break only for students and teachers during the winter holidays) to an adult (who is not a teacher) today. I had only slept 6 hours the night before, and by the time the school day was over and break was starting I was completely drained. When entering my apartment complex, I ran into one of the moms there, who wished me a happy Winter Break. I, being on autopilot, repeated it, then proceeded to realize she didn't have one. Felt terrible for the next few hours xD

wifefoundmy1reddit · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hugged my wife’s sister from behind because they look super similar.

sweet_dumple · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have done this twice. I have to submit a urine sample. I take the cup go to the urinal and I set the cup up where I can grab it. I take a leak and when I am done , I realize I forgot to pee in the cup.

deemorte · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked in the social work field, got stuck at a group home due to a horrific snow storm for 48 hours.

Driving home, my bra under wire broke. My totally logical response? Take it off and throw it out the car window.

I immediately was like...what the fuck did I just do?

Being awake for 24 hours makes you weird.

twoheadedhorseman · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened my hood in traffic for some reason while on a road trip. No clue why. Had to pull over and close it while being judged by my girlfriend.

somechick_92 · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My partner asked me to scratch inside his ear, we were grocery shopping (I have long nails). My finger was inside his ear before I realised what the hell I was doing and in public.

newdanny3636 · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During a blackout I tried the light switches so I could find candles

eupamc · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my wedding a good friend said “congratulations”. I replied“you too.” She had just broken up with her long time boyfriend.

creative-username2 · 1 points · Posted at 05:27:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called a teacher “mom” once

justaperson101 · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Usually I catch myself staring directly into someone's soul by staring at them

Jennilea · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked a home care case and was making my patient dinner. I peeled potatoes and cut them up to make mashed potatoes. Put them in a big bowl with milk and butter, then I go to mix them- looked at the potatoes, looked at the mixer, just standing there perplexed. Right then the other nurse comes walking through the kitchen (she lived in the inlaw apartment)and she asks me what's the matter. I said "I'm trying to mash these potatoes but there's no way this mixer can blend them, they're too hard." She looks at me like I'm the biggest idiot she's ever laid eyes on and said "Well honey, you've got to cook them first." That Christmas they gave me a cookbook.

RAYNBLAD3 · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While making a cup of coffee, I’d open the little creamer container and pour it straight into the trash instead of the coffee.

Johnnyboc · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And let me guess, you almost dunked the container in the coffee.

criebaybi1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was buying a ton of food for a party and I used the self checkout and I put all the bags in my cart and then just walked out of the store with a cart full of groceries without paying.... Didn’t realize until my friends who were in the store came outside and were like “what the hell ?”.

The funny part is that no worker even noticed, not even when i came back in and paid for my stuff.

BaleFire77 · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in mens clothing for a retail store and our standards are pretty high in making everything look straight and folded. So whenever I'm at another clothing store (target, Macy's, etc.) I subconsciously start straightening clothes and putting them back in size order

Barbara1182 · 1 points · Posted at 05:28:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was little my parents brought me to an Automat. For years after that I used to say “thank you” to vending machines thinking that somebody worked behind it too!

AanthonyII · 1 points · Posted at 05:29:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the time it had been like a week since I took the bus and instead of pulling out my bus pass I took out my debit card, I didn’t realize my mistake until I started walking back to find a seat and I just hear the driver say “Dude, that’s a bank card.”

roostergenie8 · 1 points · Posted at 05:29:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

911

theradicaldonut · 1 points · Posted at 05:29:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a retail store and we were trained to always so thank you to customers after a long shift on Halloween I was handing out candy and said thank you to a five year old..

casper86ed · 1 points · Posted at 05:30:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long week at work, woke up to make coffee as usual. Got dressed and filled my thermos for the day. Tasted funny on the first pour and realized what I had done. Filled the coffee maker with sugar, sweetened it with the usual small amount, but with coffee grounds. My wonderful SO now makes my coffee since we work different hours. Proposing soon.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:30:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ask for the poop knife.

TinyWangGang · 1 points · Posted at 05:30:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school I would always get rides home from friends because I didn’t have a car. One day my mom let me borrow her car to go to school. Well when school let out, I did the usual and asked for a ride home. I had totally forgot that I drove that day to school and left my moms car in the school parking lot. I realized right when I got to my house and had to ask for a ride BACK to school to get the car.

s_coops · 1 points · Posted at 05:30:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've woken up and started to get ready for work at 5:30am, used the restroom, got dressed, ate breakfast, grabbed my lunch, and was about to walk out the door when my girlfriend opened the bedroom door and said, "Babe, what are you doing? You're off today." I just stared at her for a second, put my lunch in the fridge, and got back in bed.

gherkin_girl · 1 points · Posted at 05:30:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Writing my email instead of my name

getmeouttaherefast · 1 points · Posted at 05:30:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried unlocking the front door with my car's key fob. More than once. Took me a while to realize the glitch. Fun times when you're exhausted.

notaredditor15 · 1 points · Posted at 05:31:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed in the closet. The bedroom closet.

steviemel123 · 1 points · Posted at 05:31:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling the teacher mom by accident in elementary school

Ampris_bobbo8u · 1 points · Posted at 05:31:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving voicemails is dangerous for me now because pretty much everytime I say "comma" or "period" because I'm so used to dictating for text messages. It can really fuck up the context of what I was trying to say.

Zusiar · 1 points · Posted at 05:32:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in retail and I was flirting with a girl and I was on autopilot ( I know great combo ) and anyways she decides to give me her number and she takes her receipt back cause she “needs to check if she signed it” and my dumbass responded “ oh yeah don’t worry about it, you signed it”.

Kungfu_McNugget · 1 points · Posted at 05:32:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was texting my now wife; then girlfriend while sitting in a co-workers car on break. He was talking to me, and I wasn't paying attention. I finished the text and say, "What baby?" He was cool. He told me what he said then I asked him if I had just called him baby.

milkfree · 1 points · Posted at 05:32:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be a pot head. I had to go to the store. I hate going to the store. It makes very anxious. I made myself a list and got particularly blazed. Went in, found everything I needed in record timing. I didn’t have to search through aisles to find a single item. I was strutting out of the store, feeling so proud. I got to my car, but I couldn’t find my keys. It didn’t take me long before I realized that they were inside the car. And that the car was still running.

backlikeclap · 1 points · Posted at 05:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have called my bosses dad/mom before.

Whitsoxrule · 1 points · Posted at 05:32:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Freshman year of college the dorm I lived in was a 2 story house that had been converted into a dorm. I lived on the first floor but I dated a girl who lived in the room at the top of the stairs on the second floor. All year I’d walk home with her and we’d immediately walk up the stairs and go into her room.

Fast forward to my senior year of college at the same school, I was now an RA and I was assigned the same dorm I lived in freshman year. Except I was in the RA room, on the second floor. I moved in early for RA training so there weren’t yet any residents there, except one girl who got special permission to move in early - into my ex’s old room at the top of the stairs.

One day during training I was coming home after a long day of boring lectures and exercises and I was on total autopilot. Unlocked the front door, went up the stairs, and found myself standing in front of my ex’s old room with my palm on the door about to push it open (I looked down and saw it was not latched). I was about a half a second away from barging into my female residents room (I’m male) unannounced and I hadn’t even met her yet. Thank god I caught myself. It was so weird to me that my brain still had that path stored on autopilot even though I hadn’t lived in that house for over 2 years and had broken up with that girl a year and a half ago.

Whitsoxrule · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also one time I was throwing out a carton of milk that had gone bad, except I poured the spoiled milk into the recycling bin and put the carton in the sink. Oops.

PantsIsDown · 1 points · Posted at 05:33:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to my ex’s house far away.

While we were dating sometimes I would leave straight from work to travel the hour+ drive to another state to his house. Obviously in order to go that way I would turn onto a different road than the way home.

Pan forward to post heart-shattering-break-up. Driving home one day and there’s a detour that wants me to turn onto the same road that would be the split towards my ex’s; although only a mile detour to get back to my house. Zone out for five minutes, pass the detour sign to get home, switch into autopilot and proceed to drive an hour.

Finally snapped to just out side his neighborhood when I thought almost at (my ex)’s house... but wh... shit! No! God no! What am I doing? I hope nobody has seen me!!

ProjectOcoee · 1 points · Posted at 05:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving a store...

Store employee: Please come again. Me: You too.

Hourglass776 · 1 points · Posted at 05:33:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started making a bowl of cereal, problem came after I had finished and realised I put ice cubes and put water from my sink into my bowl without realizing until I had already ruined the cereal and was sitting down to eat it

Emmaline1986 · 1 points · Posted at 05:33:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I used to work at Subway we would have our spot on the line when it was busy so you’d ask the same questions over and over for a few hours at a time. Then when the rush is over you usually serve people from the start the putting it through the till. A couple of times after being on the till for a few hours I went up to the customer and instead of asking them which bread they would like I would say “Would you like a bag?” So embarrassing.

khrushchev007 · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put orange juice in my cereal instead of milk

koopdog86368953 · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sleeping

bubblegumlover1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made 2minute noodles and was waiting for the noodles to be ready. Grabbed a cup to pour my drink but poured it into my noodles instead. Didn't realize it tasted weird until about 2 minutes into eating my noodles

kumquatsYgumdrops · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school, I worked at a counter service pretzel stand in the mall. The phone in the back rang and I looked a customer dead in the eyes and said “Hi. This is [Name]. How can I help you?”

Emmaline1986 · 1 points · Posted at 05:34:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to turn my children down with the television remote.

Georgeipie · 1 points · Posted at 05:35:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking down a car park to my car got in and in the process of putting on my seatbelt that there was a shocked elderly lady next to me. She spoke a langue I did know so I couldn't apolgise... didn't help I was on a first date

KayCheriee98 · 1 points · Posted at 05:35:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work, work at dollar tree, busy during holidays, called a young boy mama

knnack · 1 points · Posted at 05:35:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got my toothbrush and pumped hand soap on it thinking it was toothpaste.

I still think that this could actually be a great invention one day

pee-before-you-go · 1 points · Posted at 05:35:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew on my ice cream...

gattofuego · 1 points · Posted at 05:35:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
hey_look_its_me · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reading this post reminded me of the time that I put the ice cream in the microwave (used for softening up caramel syrup to add to my bowl) when I was maybe 10. I chuckled while eating my ice cream and continued to scroll.

I return now because an hour later, I decided on some cold water to drink. Opened the fridge, found my ice cream front and center.

twgecko02 · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once woke up at about 2 in the morning on a day I had to go to work. I guess I didn't even think to check the clock but I thought it was time to get up and get ready, so I woke up, showered, and got dressed before I realized my mistake.

shwahaha · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to do the graveyard shift in the kitchen of a busy bakery and, in the back, we would say “behind!” every time we were near one another to avoid burns/spills/accidental stabbings.

Anyway, I go to the grocery store covered in flour and assorted goops after one of these hell shifts because I’ve been sweating all night and I want to destroy a cantaloupe.

So I get my sweet sweet melon and end up trying to navigate around this dude who almost backs into me and still in kitchen-mode, I bark “behind!!” at him (I’d been told by my manager at that point that my tone “scares people” and I’m “too bossy” and my voice is “not unlike a drill sergeant”, blah blah blah).

I startled him so badly that I think he nearly punched me in the face before realizing I’m a short fat chick, cradling a cantaloupe and covered in mystery powder and looking like my soul died 8 years ago. He just muttered sorry at me and scuttled off. I felt bad later after inhaling my cantaloupe when I realized how I had essentially noise-blasted him without warning at 9 in the morning.

Wetblacks · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered a personal call with "Welcome to HSBC, how can I help you?"

Th3Lon3lyM3lon · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Aunt: “You are getting so big” (hadn’t seen her in a while)

Me: “you too”

micha81 · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a casino. So one day I’m at my house on auto pilot and I go to wash my hand and stand the for like a minute waiting for my faucet to come on. I get so used to them turning on by themselves that I just figured mine would as well.

I do this about once a week.

Johnnyboc · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nearly threw my phone and microphone into the garbage bin instead of a tissue.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mid anxiety attack,

Go to Taco Bell, order food, pay for food, receive card and drink.

Drive away because mind is cranking so much other stuff.

Die a little inside.

I went back for the food but that business has a big black x over it in my mind

PureMarcu · 1 points · Posted at 05:36:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Miss an interview. Completley on autopilot the entire day. Four hours of sleep. Finals. Mind was just completley blank when I needed it most.

onedavester · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to use my regular grocery store check card in the wrong store. I almost got in an argument over why it wasn't working until I realized where I was.

EliteOctopus · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking on the phone with my mother and she asked me if i could give her my aunts new phone number and I casually said ok. Then panicking because i couldn't find my phone. I tore apart my room. While my mother on the line just gave a huge grunt. Then i realized im a dumbass... She still reminds me of that moment every week. Its been 3 years.

The_Twin27 · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This'll be buried but at work (I work in the fast food industry) we were extremely rushed and I had to start taking orders after making some deserts and accidentally asked someone if whipped cream and cherry was alright on their patty melt.

CrispyRugs · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often wear those iPhone headphones with the built in volume control on the string. On day my class was being loud and I couldn’t hear the professor, so I moved my hand up to the volume control to turn their voices down, only to realize: 1- I wasn’t wearing headphones, and 2- I’m an idiot

kateington10 · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Oh hi, it’s good to see you!!!” “Hey I’m great thanks!!”

laylaaye · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a customer to “have a nice day, please drive thru to the next window” while I was on front counter not drive thru

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hit my head because epilepsy, afterward for awhile I would mess up the order or get things barely off before it is too late.

E.g. I would get coke, and a pot, pour coke into pot and then realize I should've poured it into a cup. my brain just assumed it is a cup so I drank the coke anyways.

Eloord · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in a trashcan and threw garbage in the toilet.

catnamed-dog · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often try to lock my bike up, with my car fob. I get two clicks in and realize I didn't drive.

Babylaube · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wear glasses ( & have since I was 7) about 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time when I’m wearing contacts, I’ll sometimes reach up to my nose & push up the imaginary glasses that aren’t there, out of habit. It’s embarrassing but makes me laugh at the same time.

MattL1313 · 1 points · Posted at 05:37:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hope your Birthday was great today"

"Same to you too!"

zhagoundalskiy · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work, I need to swipe a badge attached to my belt loop to get in. The reader is faulty and even though it beeps it doesn't always work, so it's natural to try and retry the badge at various angles before getting in. Home at the apartment , it's a key fob to get into the building.

I spent the better part of a full minute late one day trying various angles of my badge (each with a beep) to get into my apartment building.

yabbobrah · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Few months sober, drove to dopemans house and walked in on auto pilot (accepted practice) Said shit wrong house and walked out.

I was going to a friends house nearby, not sure how I ended up there instead. Strange mental blank spot.

notaliar_ · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Showed up to work with two different heels on. Good thing the meeting tables had long tablecovers!

wonkyfrond · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid, I was in the bath and realised I didn't have a towel. What I would usually have done is call for my mom who was in the next room but kid life must've been pretty tough that day because instead of doing that, I raised my hand.

Hollowsong · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my laptop bag for a road trip across two states for work. Left the house at 3pm to get there by 8 so I would have plenty of time to check-in at the hotel and rest for a very important series of meetings and workshops.

Four and a half hours into the 5 hour trip my wife called and said "Honey, is your laptop with you? Becaues there's one on the couch that looks just like yours"

My 5 hours drive turned into 15.

It's a feeling I can't quite describe.

sanguinius74 · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I smacked my wife in the butt, only it wasn't my wife. It was her best friend. Luckily she just laughed it off. She knows I'm an idiot.

TheRealDudyman0 · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" (While wearing them)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

hung my car keys on the coat rack .

doomalgae · 1 points · Posted at 05:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few months back I was heading off to work and Sean Paul's "Legalize It" came on the radio as I was backing out of the driveway. I associate that song with working at the dorm cafeteria in college (I was working there when it was new and always on the radio) so guess where I drove?

blackthunder00 · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the remote in the fridge.

Minemax03 · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up at 2 AM and casually started making breakfast before school at 7, took longer than it should have to come to my senses.

Darcfreddie · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put trash can in closet, rain coat in fridge, driven to a prior residence instead of grocery store or work. If it isn't attached it gets misplaced. Sometimes even if it is attached. Eggs into trash while the shells go into the batter. No limits given to what gets scrambled in my head.

xiola_nobody · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've accidentally answered the phone as "AC Library District, Xiola speaking" instead of "SJ Public Library, Xiola speaking" at my workplace. AC Library District is our administration building. I've never worked there.

sunilsachdeva · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working on my work pc with the mouse. Then checking my phone moving the mouse and thinking why wouldn't it work.

Nevenkiattv · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay so, I made an account on my mobile device just to reply to this. I can’t recall my other accounts password right now, anyways, on to the story.

A couple weeks ago I was in the shower, minding my own business. As to conserve water my boyfriend hops in, cool, whatever. I keep washing. I can’t recall exactly what we were talking about, even now, but he ended up saying “just take your clothes off” (this is his stupid joking phrase he always says to me when I ask him “how do I”, anything...). I replied in a very harsh tone, fingers still running shampoo through my hair “Jesus Christ, NO!”. He of course died of laughter and I glared at him very unimpressed when it finally registered. We stood there like that for a decent Five minutes or so.

FROSHINE · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

lit a cigarette inside. LOL

0-o-0-o-0-o-0 · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
 Actually, just 2 days ago on wendsday, I did something that 100% screwed me over today. 

 Now, something you have to know first is that for about 15 minutes (sometimes longer) after I get out of bed, I'm still 90% asleep. I've done some stupid shit in this 15 minute period, such as walking out into the pouring rain and standing there for about 30 seconds, and then introducing myself to my sister twice (idk what happened there). 

 Anyways, 2 days ago on wendsday, I had just woken up and gone into my bathroom to get ready for school. I brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom and started to walk out of the bathroom. This is very similar to my nighttime routine, so 90% asleep me thought to himself "Okay, OP. It's time to get into bed because i just brushed my teeth. So i went ahead and completed the rest of my nighttime routine. By taking 2 melatonin pills.

 For those who don’t know, melatonin is a prescription drug that makes you fall asleep pretty quickly if you have insomnia or just a hard time falling asleep. I had just taken TWO in the morning.

 That day, unfortunately, i took a major math test. As you can probably predict, with me at about 5% active brain capacity, I got a pretty terrible grade. That grade set my average below an 80%, and that means that I could drop out of PreAP math for the entire year.

 TL;DR - Took a heavy dose of sleeping medication on autopilot and bombed a test because of it.
Breannaleeeighh · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my work we’re required to knock on doors when entering/leaving rooms so people on the other side know to get out of the way. It’s become a habit, and now I consistently knock on doors in my house.

incrediblyJUICY · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once fucked my friends mom by accident lol boy-o was that an oopsie doopsie.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:39:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I rock the trolley in the supermarket thinking it’s the baby in the pram even though I’m on my own🙄

nefertiti_incarnate · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was 20 minutes into the drive home (a 90 minute trip) and slapped my pockets to make sure I had my keys. Pockets were empty so I turned off at the next exit thinking I had to go back to work and get them. They were in the ignition!

mysticuno · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my step-dad. He owns a barber shop and sometimes when he's working on a client he goes on autopilot during their conversation. He noticed that one of his regulars had a new car so he says "I see you have a new car".

"Yeah, it's a rental, I got in a car crash last week and I almost died."

"Ah, that's nice, good for you"

devolvxr · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened today. Started to put my clothes into the sink garbage disposal rather than my clothes hamper. Took me a sec

zeoranger · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in a trash can instead of the urinal at work. I blame my lack of sleep for that one.

SilentAkuma · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waitress: “So would you like water or tea with your meal.”

Me: “Yes.”

Waitress: “Okay...?”

Waitress brings both tea and water

Jessewhite007 · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kept my mobile in fridge.

F1nches · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went in to prepay for gas then came out and drove away without pumping the gas.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going to chick fil a on a sunday and trying to order at the little microphone box thingy, and then realizing it's sunday, and looking behind me to see the other people that pulled in behind me.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:40:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After working a double at a pizza place, I drove home and took out my keys to unlock the door. To my surprise as I opened the door an middle aged man was standing in front of me pointing a pistol at me. About a month earlier, we had sold that house and this man thought I had picked the locks and was about to rob them (The uniform I had on was all black). After talking him down and explaining that I was the kid he had a beer with last month and I had just come there out of habit.

He invited me in for leftover BBQ with him and his wife. Funny enough, we were talking about how it was a good thing that he had a gun license so that he could point that gun at me.

JuiceGoneWild · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had a mini panic attack after thinking I lost my keys...while driving. This has happened more than once.

Opallo78 · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Twice in teenage hood, I got up in the middle of the night and peed in the trash can, not realizing what i had done until after i tried to flushed and discovered there was no flush handle. Also realized i opened the trash can manually even though it was one of those step on it openers.

sum1namedpowpow · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tired in class. Picked up my calculator like it was a tv remote, and tried to turn down my professor.

Walk around the house looking for my phone before realizing it's been in my hand for the last 5 minutes.

Alexis1982 · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll wave my hands under sinks only to realize they don’t have sensors. Same thing with hand paper towel dispensers.

N1GH75H1F7 · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You need a card to open every door at my work, except the lunch room. I routinely try to swipe my card on the light switch to leave the lunch room.

bott8172 · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the coffee pot in the refrigerator.

unsolicitedinsults · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my purse in the fridge

friendlyantisocial · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably been said a lot but I (a female) have walked into the men’s room at different theater locations of the same company because they all look identical but flip their men’s/women’s rooms for some reason.

Damn you Harkins.

Coded__Ragon · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost put diesel in my car.

My car uses gasoline.

lunar_piracy · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Licking my soup bowl clean in a restaurant. I'll never get to live that one down.

wrosel · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “thank you!!” to an ATM with other people around

DroneOfDoom · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a particularly long shift at the box office in summer 2014 (There were lines to see fucking Transformers 4 that reached outside of the mall), I tried to sell tickets to the McDonalds cashier.

elitesavior1 · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I clean up after eating cereal, I put the bowl in the garbage can and the empty box in the sink. Happens way too often.

Undrwtrbsktwvr · 1 points · Posted at 05:41:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While reading a MotorTrend magazine probably 10 years ago, I closed it and put it away to ensure it had enough battery that I could enjoy some reading later on.

Fellipe000 · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finished using my smartphone and promptly threw it on the ground.

WhitePaladinShiro · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock our barn door. Our barn door does not lock. If it did, car keys would not be the correct option.

Ikillrats · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My reflexes are really quick, and I have a history of dropping things and kicking them back into my hands before they hit ground. I've saved many a fragile object from certain doom like this.

One day, in a commercial fish processing plant, working as an exterminator, I dropped my pda and autopiloted to kick it back up...

...booted The damn thing over 60 feet, into a pile of fish heads.

Saved it!

JohnStamossi · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For the first month after buying my motorcycle I tried to unlock it with my car key remote.

sircheesy · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making a sandwich and poured myself a glass of milk. Went to throw out a bit of plastic or something and had the milk in my hands. Threw the half full jug of milk straight into the trash. Sister laughed at me and asked what the hell I was doing.

Hempsterball · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drank urine. My own.

deltadogmom · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made an inappropriate left turn and was caught by the police... doh!!

cocoaloli · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

someone at school asked me what kind of music i listen to

replied with “yes”

Hazeleyedandhung · 1 points · Posted at 05:42:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've gotten in the shower with my socks on before.

NorthernPaper · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a 4 way stop sign until someone honked at me because the next block up had a red light.

smellincoffee · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my coffee pot in the fridge after making cereal and pouring a cup of coffee.

Chaindriver · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into Women’s bathroom today at gym and saw 45 year old woman look at me concerned. Very embarrassed

iwillcuntyou · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kept the teabag in the cup while I poured my entire cuppa into the bin :(

MUFFIN1700 · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When working retail, I asked a customer twice "how are you doing today? Do you need help finding anything?" All in under 60 seconds, but I realized I did it and figured that saying "I just said that, didn't I?" Would correct my mistake

TheUnclescar · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hope im not the only person that accidentally stops at green lights..

whathavewegothere · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've said "talk to you soon, love you" to multiple clients when finishing a phone call...they were most definately not my wife.

skribbly · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I moved a few suburbs away from my old place. Whenever I have a long day and don't pay attention I sometimes windup driving down my old road only to swear at myself for adding 30 minutes to the trip.

curly722 · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost pulled out my wang at my work's restroom before realizing I wasn't home. I can honestly say I have made eye contact with another man while holding my penis.

Wesinator2000 · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured coffee into my Raisin Bran

krystalllllll · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago i apparently plays Sims for too long, because i woke up pne morning deciding t9 move my window over my bed rather than turn on the light

greenman82 · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once went from working at a KFC to a Domino's with only a few days between. Well I had answered the phone at KFC pretty often, usually just to take complaints or whatever, and as soon as I started at Domino's, the first thing I learned was the register and how to properly take call in orders. So on like day two of my employment, a call comes in and I hit em with

"Thank you for calling (town name) KFC, my name is Green, how can I help you? Oh... Wait, no, DOMINO'S"

The guy on the other end bursts out laughing and my training manager, who was right next to me, starts dying laughing. We all got a good kick out of it, and the guy on the phone wasn't upset or anything when I explained that it was my second day. My co workers still make fun of me for it.

vengallur · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "Thank you" to the coffee machine.

photoshopgod69420 · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work long night shifts at Domino's from 4pm-2am, late in the night after a busy day I took the pizza pie, put cheese on it and then sauced it over the cheese without batting an eye, stared at it, looked around and made eye contact with my boss before he died laughing.

siberianraul · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed my face with spectacles on!

LiftPizzas · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came home and put my keys in the fridge.

CrustyMittens · 1 points · Posted at 05:43:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I fell asleep while eating and was woken up by my aunt laughing at me for eating while asleep

Alice_In_Zombieland · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This will be buried but oh well. One time I was putting myself a cup of milk. As it started to get full I just kept putting and staring at it. It started to over flow onto the counter. It took me far to long to snap out of it and think what the fuck.

TayBae95 · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time this guy I had a crush on said “hey what’s up?” And I said “good” because I thought he asked me how I was doing.

ncm1784 · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While deeply immersed in a book, I answered the phone, “Hello, I replied”.

Potatobobthecat · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Firefix for porn. Chrome for everything else at home. I have type in xhamster while at work, while at GF place, while at brothers house, while at Internet cafe. not looking for porn but just out of habit.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once whilst asleep my sister tried to take my phone from my hand, I woke up a few seconds later with a tight grip around it

trouser_mouse · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy birthday!"

"You too!"

EC10-32 · 1 points · Posted at 05:44:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Still half asleep I needed to pee, so I went to roll off the left side of my bed, and slammed my face against the wall that my bed is pushed against. I thought I was in my old bed in a house I haven't slept in for over 7 years.

sawyerwelden · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought I was holding the syrup container at IHOP yesterday. I was not. Poured a pitcher of coffee on my pancakes.

wigglytugboat2 · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once started pissing in my garbage can...

daily-bee · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my laundry in the toilet instead of the laundry basket next to it.

Another time, I grated butter instead of cheese on my nachos

lordponte · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stoped at a flashing red light and had a great conversation with an old friend of mine. Probably lasted around 5 minutes or so. Until a car pulled up next to us and the guy in the car next to us asked if we were ok.

Weed + high school lol.

Edit: he was with me in the car. It was funny as hell and we still bring it up every time we see each other.

Reditate · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Give me a HEADS UP so it doesn't get in my face"

"Okay"

...I got too into the moment.

haybailsss · 1 points · Posted at 05:45:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting out of a friend's car and trying to use my key fob to lock it, then getting frustrated because it didn't work, and finally realizing what's going on.

txdragoon · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge. Didnt realize it until next morning's breakfast.

sluttyankles · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This was back when fallout 3 had just come out, I was super addicted. So there I was one day watching some movie, the main character was to get into a fight if I remember correctly, and I instinctively tried to quick save with my brain.

rsallejr · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to work on Labor Day one year. I was in college and I was interning at a company in downtown San Diego. I got up that morning, drove all the way down and even thought, “traffic sure is light today.” Got to my building, took the elevator up to our floor and walked out to see the doors closed with a sign that told me what I already should have known. FML.

ismynameblurryface · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brushed my teeth with shaving cream by my brother's toothbrush

11broomstix · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I still hear all my buddies yelling "ALERT! ALERT! GET YOUR GEAR OUTSIDE NOW!" in my sleep, and then I bolt awake and sit up in bed, before remembering I have been a civilian for months. Fucking Korea and their alerts, man.

FortuneSupporter · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive a manual. Every time I get in my wife’s automatic damn car I slam my damn foot down into an empty space. Every time.

Reditate · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure everyone has done this.

"Alright, you're all set. Enjoy your movie."

"Thanks you too."

"..."

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to plug my phone charger into a bowl of cereal.

beauxartes · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into the bathroom while my roommate was showering and took my contacts out put my glasses on and walked out only after I woke up did I realize what I had done

Being_Libertarianish · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just became a manager at an independent theater and I still answer:

"Thank you for calling Regal insert 11 syllables of location name, this is Being_Libertarianish. How can I help you?"

"I'm sorry, I thought I was calling another theater..."

"Oh, no I'm sorry... Old habit. I used to work there..."

Also, I occasionally answer my cellphone this way. But admittedly, it's been a few weeks since I've had this problem. I've still felt the urge, though.

Star052 · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sent a picture that was supposed to go to my dad on my story (on Snapchat) didn’t realize until an hour later when my friend finally said something to me... nice nice

tango421 · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So. Many. Things.

Try to unlock my old car with my new car’s keys.

Drive to my former office (lol). Drive to field office instead of meeting office.

Go straight home ignoring my friends who I’m supposed to drop somewhere.

Take a rather long commute to my former address. (Why is the gate different... oh... yeah... shit)

Use my phone as a mouse and wonder why the cursor isn’t moving

amberger7712 · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Coworker started all the cars for everyone right before shift change. When we were getting ready to leave I asked where my keys were.

diamonddave93 · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I straight up whipped my stuff put and took a pee in front off all of my co workers. I did not register to me, I was almost in mid conversation then just had to pee and did so. I do construction so it's not that bad I guess.

Downright92 · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said "nice to see you" to a newly blind person. All my friends hear it. No one said anything.

hujibanation · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was holding a bottle of horseradish spread in one hand and a towel in the other. I meant to put the towel on the steps, but I just set down the bottle of horseradish. I opened the fridge, only to realize the horseradish was gone and the towel was still in my other hand

dezidogger · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a railroad crossing sign. Only drove too far ahead, gate comes down on the top of my car. I was plenty far enough away from the train, but have not lived that one down

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:47:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

rushed from work to pick the kids up from daycare .. on a saturday , they were at home with wife

doonytargaryen · 1 points · Posted at 05:48:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work as a waitress at a popular and busy restaurant. Since we had a high volume of servers running in and out of the kitchen, we had to yell “CORNER” any time we were running around the kitchen corner in case someone was running out with a big tray of food. After I quit, for weeks afterwards if I was distracted, I’d yell “corner” going around corners in my day to day life. I yelled it in public so many times to lots of weird stares.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:48:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove to work once while taking my wife on a date. We had to go all the way back to the other side of town when I realized what I was doing.

Silverwolfinn · 1 points · Posted at 05:48:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Welcome to Costco, I love you.”

sukrutmhalas · 1 points · Posted at 05:48:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Random friend: Happy Birthday!

Me: Same to you

Every. Damn. Birthday. Atleast once. Smh I'm now embarrassed about not feeling embarrassed anymore.

TheRetroVideogamers · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend never lets me live it down, but one day, got up from the couch to get a bite. Came back to the living room, could not find the remote. Checked everywhere, it's a small apartment, can't be too hard to find, I was just using it

I put it in the fridge....

endearingcunt · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to walk like a half mile to and from work daily. One day I drove my boyfriend’s car to work instead, but forgot and walked RIGHT PAST IT otw home. I felt like I was forgetting something but didn’t actually notice until a few hours later when he went to head out to the store and was like “OMG BABE MY CAR IS GONE!” I was like “oh shit it’s down the street.”

hujibanation · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wash my hands instead of brushing my teeth (and vice versa) all the time.

Raega · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love in London and sometimes, after a long day, I try to tap my debit card to get into my apartment complex. So used to paying my way through gates that it’s muscle memory.

Trappenguin · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to use the unlock button on my car keys to call an elevator...took me a couple seconds to realize why nothing was happening

Idobelieveinkarma · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working retail and it was really busy. I was so hungry from not having a break yet and as I approached a customer to ask if I could assist her, I asked if she wanted something to eat. The lady was rather rotund, eating at the time and looked at me like I was a fucking idiot. I’m still embarrassed 😳

Inspired_By_ · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leavin the bathroom door open at another persons house.

seaotterjosh · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying: "Alexa, turn off the tea kettle"

LilDewey99 · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “Happy Thanksgiving” at least ten times at my job (I cashier at Walmart when I’m not at college) even though it’s almost Christmas

Slow_Fever_Blues · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put the box of cereal in the fridge and the milk jug in the cupboard a few times. I routinely forget to put my coffee mug in the maker and make coffee.

I've also been known to say "good night" as a generic response to the end of conversations with people when it's the middle of the day.

stevepage1187 · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked in the rides dept at a theme park for the six summers I was in college and university. It was a big dept so all the supervisors and managers carried radios and we used our own version of ten code just to keep stuff brief.

Made my two years of broadcasting school interesting, as any time we were in the newsroom using the headsets to talk to each other, I'd inevitably fall into the habit of speaking in brief clipped transmissions and confirming thinks with a brisk 10-4.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:49:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but one of my old coworkers at Qdoba was trying to say goodbye to a couple people leaving but instead said "Would you like white or brown rice?"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in elementary school I told the bus driver "goodnight, love you"

ZeldaLuvr503 · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Call my mom babe

melwozniak96 · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a dine in movie theater and bar entrance and kitchen entrance were in the same spot. Sometimes servers would walk really fast into the kitchen while caring heavy plates and other servers leaving the bar with a tray full of drinks would run into them. so whenever we were leaving either the kitchen or the bar we would just yell out loud “corner” so if someone was there they would know to expect danger lol pretty soon i started yelling “corner” whenever i went into any kind of room.

califomia · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting milk in a cabinet

R1wandererFTW · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work in a building that required a security card to scan at each door. Scan to my office, scan to someone else's office in another part of the building, scan to the locker room, etc. One day at the end of the day, I tried to scan into the bathroom. The, open to the public bathroom. I couldn't figure out why my access wasn't working until I realized I didn't need to scan at all! Yeah...time to scan out for the day.

MrDrRandy · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I’m driving I’ll go into auto pilot mode and space out and it feels like my subconscious is driving for me and I’m watching it like watching a tv

MyBirdCanSing · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not really that embarrassing, but sometimes I blow on my ice cream.

csmiler · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my spectacles in a bucket of water, then went ahead and emptied the bucket into the toilet.

Had to wear my prescription sunglasses for 2 days. :/

luckyfox98 · 1 points · Posted at 05:50:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in school like in first grade I was sleepy af and had to throw something in the garbage can and go to the toilet, well I threw the garbage in the toilet and pee in the garbage can that was in the classroom, I like waked up from Auto pilot when I heard silence and felt lots of eyes on me like wtf was I doing, then they called my parents and had a talk with me and most of my classmates bother me with it for a while

timeywimeyprincess · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was interning at the Executive Office of the President and also worked in my major's advising office as a peer advisor. Both required quite a bit of admin work and phone calls, so it's unsurprising that I picked up with "-major- Advising, how can I help you?" when the Secret Service called my EOP line.

Turns out I enjoy higher ed way more, so it all worked out!

Necrogaz · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kind of game auto pilot mode, it was on the day that i decided to stop playing world of warcraft.

I was playing wow, trying to grind one of my crafting skills, grinding ( at the time i was addicted to the game, sometimes i wouldnt sleep and zombie walk to school and then come back to wow right after) after a while i started feeling hungry and i thought to myself "eh, whatever ill craft myself a sandwich in a bit, it shouldnt take more than like 3 seconds" since in my mind, all i had to do to make myself a sandwich was to press a key and start doing the crafting motion which it was just patting my hands up and down (those who play wow knows wich one) but then i was like "wait....thats not how it works...."

Wow was one hell of a drug.

StarMinted26 · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a board game in the pantry. I remember a specific time my brother put sweet tea into his bowl of Cheerios.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in a dog boarding kennel where the rule existed that when opening/walking through doors while leading a dog you would call out "DOG" in case someone had a dog on the other side that wasn't friendly. It gave that person a second to call back and move away from the door so the dogs wouldn't clash.

It's so ingrained I occasionally walk through doors and yell "DOG" even without a dog, and I've sometimes done it at home and at the shops....

spacemonkeygleek · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nurse saw that I had a birthday coming up and wished me a happy birthday and I said "Happy Birthday" back.

yello_downunder · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting in 3 lanes of rush hour at a stop light in my manual transmission car. One lane is blocked due to an accident and people are getting impatient. Feel something drop on my bare foot. Think "cockroach!" and look down.. hmm, that looks like part of the clutch lockout switch, without which the car won't start. Decide to put the car in gear (oops!) and take my foot off the clutch for a closer look. Car stalls and I can't start it because the safety switch is in pieces on the floor. Now the 3-lanes-down-to-2 is now down to 1 lane :)

Luckily it was going up a hill and after about 5 minutes of glares from passing drivers was able to inch backwards into the right lane, and then I could bump start it in reverse. I don't know what people thought of me that day..

I will forever be grateful to the guy behind me in a big ole pickup truck that sat there patiently with his 4-way flashers on while I slowly inched backwards into the right lane. I was too embarrassed to think of thanking him at the time.

travelhippy · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Taken out my ATM card at the urinal. And more than once reached out to unzip at ATM's. Always caught myself before I went through with that one luckily. edit: Changed a typo

trevor_sinclair · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes, there is a second or two delay when i press the "on" button on the side of my phone. if my phone doesn't immediately turn on, i instantly press it again to i guess make it turn on, (now i realize that the logic here is ridiculously stupid) well in the midst of the split second of reaction time that my oh so powerful brain posesses, my phone screen turns on. so, i ended up turning the screen off. so to compensate, i press it again, and do the same thing. this continues for like 10 seconds until i finally just chuck it across the room at the cat.

nodjone · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waited at a red light for about a minute and a half before I realized it was a stop sign

Hanzzo · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally turn direct to a nearby airport while trying to look up it's runway length in the FMS.

chrissywetland12 · 1 points · Posted at 05:51:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Speaking Latin

___fhqwhgads____ · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finishes making breakfast and throws the rubbish in the washing machine and the spoon in the trash. This happens more often than not.

marquisasparagus · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  1. Driving five minutes passed my exit because I started driving to my parents' house instead my friend's house. This was at 8 am on a Saturday.

  2. Putting my house keys in my fridge along with my groceries and not finding out until the next morning.

Ballerinacole · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work two jobs that take the split on the freeway, and I’ll sometimes take the wrong exit. The biggest key that I’m going the wrong way is I have to be at one of my jobs at 3:30am and the other at some point in the afternoon.

michaeldornsghost · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The way you typed out Auto Pilot made me worried there was some new messaging/video app that I hadn't heard of that was so ubiquitous that this kind of thread made sense. Spooky.

Redding_Hood · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Benzoyl peroxide (acne cream) for toothpaste. Figured that out pretty quick.

Neatroca · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to feed my dog, but threw his food in the trash instead. (He was devastated.)

Cereal box in the fridge.

Trying to unlock the wrong apartment door (I was another floor up).

I once cooked a hamburger Patty, burnt it on accident, and after deciding to eat it anyway, dropped it on the floor. I then rinsed it off (the floor was nasty at the time), made my burger, and, as I was eating it, realized the bottom bun was molded. I ate it anyway.

sawyerwelden · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking and talking with a professor recently. When we got to the computer science building I pulled out my credit card to open the door with. The doors don't use swipe cards and they also weren't locked.

Allrayden · 1 points · Posted at 05:52:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled an all nighter with some buds online. We were grinding mobs at about hour 26-ish and I was already starting to doze off. For a solid 2-3 minutes I drop my whole combo on my party member, obviously not damaging him and he was hysterically laughing. If you're curious what game, it was the scam Black Desert Online.

charlieXmagic · 1 points · Posted at 05:53:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working the register at a liquor store and the guy paid with a card, i signed his copy and handed it back to him. It took me way to long to realize what happened and got a lot of shit for it.

Nah_yeah_Nah_yeah · 1 points · Posted at 05:53:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropping my friend home after a late night of playing mtg, it's the same way to my kids daycare, we're talking a bunch and yep pulled in to said daycares car park, it's after midnight, that was funny and embarrassing.

supercleverfunnyname · 1 points · Posted at 05:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my daughter was a few days old, thick in that brain fog that is specially reserved for new parents, I answered the door with my breasts full out on display.

Poor UPS guy.

Micrograph · 1 points · Posted at 05:53:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Locked myself out of my hotel room stark bollock naked.

hongxiongmao · 1 points · Posted at 05:53:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said weird things to customers in the drive thru. For instance I'll ask someone "for here or to go." Or I'll speak Chinese when I've been thinking in it, or Japanese when I can't think of a word in Spanish :p

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the kitchen and I had to pee, just walked right over to the garbage can and pissed in it before I realized I was looking out of my back door into the yard

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

laugh at my own joke.

I'm funny, dammit!!

gaynay · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've blew to cool down my dessert. Everyone had sticky toffee pudding with hot custard, whereas I had ice cream.

classic4life · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was pooping at work and threw my used poo rag onto the floor instead of into the toilet. I sat there looking at it for a full minute before my brain turned back on.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During my university economics exam I kept swiping down from the top of my calculator screen to open the notification screen

shanksinator · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my high School football coach I loved him when getting off the phone with him.

cheetocity · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not too embarrassing as most of these, but, during class, we were working on an assignment and I had my phone on my desk. There was a question I got stuck on and was waiting for my teacher to be done with another student before I raised my hand. So, I started fiddling: I started wiping my phone screen and drawing pictures with my eraser on it. Before I noticed he was done, he noticed me so tuned out and said, "You okay?" and I snapped back to reality and said, "Yeah what am I supposed to do here?".

dano4981 · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was about to take a shower, threw all my clothes in the laundry bin. Then proceeded to take my watch off and throw in the bin with my clothes.

heuksalman · 1 points · Posted at 05:54:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to plug my iphone charger into a ac remote. Want a spoon grab a fork.

merakjinsei · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

(barista)

grabbed a coffee cup, put it down, grabbed a heat protector thing, poured coffee through the heat protector onto the ground in front of the customer.

SpaceLester · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a dream about my teacher screwing me over so I was so angry at him. And I went through most of my school day thinking about how mad I was at him. Then I got to his class and he was nonchalantly passing out papers and I was think this fuck. Then I stopped I was like wait I’m angry at him for a dream. I was angry all day because of a dream.

mongonzola · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife and I just got home from our honeymoon, and I started work again at a grocery store. They needed me to go to another store which was short-handed and needed help. A co-worker I barely knew was going to drive us down to the location. I was in the passenger seat starting to fall asleeep when my hand casually reached over and grabbed the guys thigh. I was so used to reaching over and touching my wife's thigh when we were in the car together. I made him jump in his seat, and swerve the car a bit. He looked at me wide-eyed. I tried to apologize and explain, but just made things more awkward. He didn't talk me the rest of the trip.

knosilla · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was giving a friend a ride home. Instead of driving to her apartment building, I drove to my own. I didn’t realize my mistake until we pulled up to my building. I asked her why she didn’t say anything and she said “I wanted to see how far you would go.”

almagestnebula · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once “lost” my phone while talking to someone on the phone.

I was in a frantic rush to leave my house and was doing the usual pocket due diligence. The person I was talking to was very confused when I started shouting “where’s my phone!?” repeatedly, until there was a long “ohhhh” and silence as we both realized what had happened.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lately I've been using my new phone in my car to listen to music I actually like instead of shit on the radio, but I don't have an aux port in my car so I just put my phone's speakers on full blast. It doesn't sound too good and I always want it to be louder; I keep catching myself trying to increase the volume with the knob for the radio.

Uss22 · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent 30 minutes making really fancy pancakes then when I had made a stack and was ready to eat I went and grabbed the dishwashing liquid (thinking it was syrup) and poured it all over them, so I had to trash the pancakes

MisshaChan · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Recently, my toddler who can't even speak full sentences yet was complaining. I automatically looked at her and said, "instructions unclear, please advise"

kalebutter · 1 points · Posted at 05:55:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cooking breakfast as usual in the kitchen with my SO- I’m cutting veggies while he’s making coffee and having a conversation. Chopping board usually has chopped veggies on one side and scraps on other. Yup, discarded the chopped veggies and was left with scarps

woofpack · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the thread, but I often times nod while someone is telling a story while not actually listening. Usually a little laugh and saying “yeah” will end the interaction but sometimes it’ won’t. They end up just staring at me and I have to admit to them I didn’t hear what they actually said.

(I am a bartender)

BrickyJrMartinez · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went from a job with high tech daily functions to manual. In my first weeks I would find myself standing, waiting for doors to automatically open, water faucets to turn on and off, lights... I would feel confused for a moment then would push the door using my actual arm, giggling aloud while realizing my new workmates might think the new girl is wacky.

ggtell · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Actually yesterday I put soap on my toothbrush luckily i noticed fairly quickly.

fidgetiegurl09 · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the cereal away in the fridge and the milk away in the cupboard.

Jennchilada · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the morning before work, took out a prescription bottle and took a picture of it with my phone so I could call later to order a refill. Put the prescription bottle in my bag and my phone in the cabinet. Was very disappointed when I got to work and found a prescription bottle instead of a phone.

shplootle · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I took a huge swig of bong water instead of my drink. Never again.

cschwaar · 1 points · Posted at 05:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started clapping at the TV when Guy Fieri tried a great looking burger

Rishabh803 · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Giving my uncle my bike's key when he asked for my mom's car key

cronin98 · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my job when you're on phones, the last thing we have to ask is "Can I help you with anything else?" It's stupidly marked when our bosses listen to recordings. If the caller says, "That's all I needed", we still have to ask.

So the other day I asked my dad at the end of a phone call, "Can I help you with anything else?" He was pretty fucking confused. lol

Tamakazee · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to tuck my newborn into my handbag- wallet, keys, bab- no, wait.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive a manual car but I learned on an automatic and one day I’m driving home and I’m at a stoplight. I shift into a neutral when I stop, so I had one foot on the brake. I got a call from my mom and I answered quickly and then talked and the light turned green. I absent mindedly just step on the accelerator and wonder why my car is revving for like 30 seconds on the phone. I finally snap out of it and go “SHIT OH YEAH” because I was still on the phone. I felt stupid

vanessi_ · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

whenever i’m in hallways or rooms where I don’t need to turn on the light bc the window or whatever else provides enough light, I walk back out of the room/hallway and flick the switch, turning ON the light as i leave. it’s always such a habit! and most times when i have my finger on the switch as i leave, i know i don’t need to flick it but i do anyway, and i end up just sighing to myself as i flick it off and walk away.

A_Good_Soul · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Scanned my work RFID badge to get into my apartment.

philsubby · 1 points · Posted at 05:57:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got black out drunk on four lokos the night before and the next morning my buddy took me to his army base, and I gave the security guard $5 instead of my military id.

Deehaa0225 · 1 points · Posted at 05:58:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a strawberry/banana smoothie and I tossed the bananas, frozen yogurt, and milk into the blender. I then proceeded to cut the tops off of the strawberries before throwing them into the blender. That's at least what I thought I did, what actually happened was I ended up throwing the whole pint of strawberries in the trash and all of their tops into the blender.

cupcakesloth94 · 1 points · Posted at 05:58:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "you too" when the ticket clerk at the movies says "enjoy the film"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once asleep before a flight home from my cousins house. Both of my parents were with me and i was about 6 at the time. Sleeping on a twin bed on the floor inbetween two other twin beds that they were sleeping on. So, in a daze, i roll under my dad's bed (don't remember which side) and started trying to wake up by getting up. Proceeding to bash my head into the bottom of the bed a good 5-7 times, before i rolled back onto the mattress and fell back asleep. Of course i woke up my parents by the commotion, and we laughed about it after they let me rest a bit longer.

Lucienoosie · 1 points · Posted at 05:58:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was at a place my aunt owned and it was 1am and I decided that I was thirsty so I went to the garage fridge for water, then after that I went to sit down on the couch I was laying down on. I didn’t get out of the garage and I fell asleep on the concrete floor.

JP_Weezey · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to pinch-zoom an image on a printed piece of paper. I got so frustrated because it was not working that I picked up the piece of paper to take it to someone who could help me. I was just about to embarrass myself by asking for help when I finally realized what I was doing.

didugetthecups · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Wendy’s in high school and mostly manned the front register. I occasionally worked the drive through and would often ask the customers in their cars if they were dining in or carrying out. Never failed to give everyone a chuckle.

GoWhizz · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Indicating on a slight bend, I do it all the time.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made kissy noises at a friend and replied in a babyish voice when she called my name.

storyofmylifee · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting ice cream in the fridge, juice in the pantry, crackers in the freezer... etc.

brickteeth · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Funny that autopilot is mentioned. I worked in the Ag industry putting autopilot systems on tractors. Then one day I calibrated and drove so many tractors and when you calibrated the tractors you brake steer a lot to make sharper turns. Well I got into my Tahoe and started backing up and turned the wheel and tried to brake steer to make a sharper turn.

aka1182 · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in fifth grade, in the middle of the lecture, and remembered my mom told me "if you look at the tip of your nose, then your eyes will get together like "this" " and started testing it out, no mirrors nearby or anything, I was just staring at the tip of my nose intensely until my teacher called my name and "is everything alright?" and everyone turned to look at me...

Remmoze · 1 points · Posted at 05:59:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took my school backpack to a week long trip

Usually I go outside to go to school, that's why I pick up my backpack on autopilot But that time I went my grandma who was more that 300km away from me. I realised that I grabbed my backpack only after riding for 10km, so it wasn't great to get it back

kylewhenderson · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always got comped meals before playing gigs at bars, and was rarely in bars unless I was playing gigs. After stopping playing in bands, multiple times left a bar and a day later realized I never paid the tab and had to awkwardly call back and explain the situation later.

soliloquy93 · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't have the very best of hearing, so I tend to smile and nod quite a bit to avoid asking people to repeat themselves constantly. I was at the pharmacy picking up some antibiotics and employ my 'smile and nod' strategy whilst the pharmacist is telling me about the medication. All of a sudden his face transforms into a mask of shock and embarrassment...

Turns out he'd asked if I have any problems with diarrhea when taking antibiotics.

danielfletcher · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

He got shocked and embarassed that someone gets diarrhea from antibiotics? Was he new? Lol

soliloquy93 · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sorry maybe it wasnt clear from my comment. He wa shocked and embarrassed that I had just so casually nodded and smiled about it. I imagine people are a little less enthusiastic about it typically.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating with friends at the bar stools at Applebee’s. My friend told me later he saw me wipe the buffalo sauce, off my fingers, on my my socks.

I don’t even remember doing it that night, but I know I’ve done it before.

danielfletcher · 2 points · Posted at 06:02:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped reading when you said "at Applebee's". That's embarrassing enough and didn't want you to feel worse about yourself if I kept reading. :P

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes, there are layers of shame in that story.

yourlordandsaviorsal · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at CVS and am say "Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?" so much and associate it with transactions that after ordering food at McDonalds the sound of the register triggered me and I asked the cashier if she had any questions for the pharmacist. Felt like such an idiot lol

one_hotmess · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopping at a green light.

JordanDawg · 1 points · Posted at 06:00:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's starting bringing their dirty dishes up to their room after eating...

meow_mom · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work I can't count the number of times I've tried to slide my badge to get something out of the vending machines and tried to put change in the time clock. I'm on autopilot a lot at work!

theoneofmanynames · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i just said "achoo" to my girlfriend who has like 7 to 8 sneezes in a row... 100% meant to say gesundheit

rsrusson · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured ketchup all over my French toast

pacowaka · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At McD's ordering food. Afterwards I move over to the side to get out of the way. But instead of taking a few steps to the side, my mind decided to do the Gangnam Style side shimmy dance.

I changed my order to 'to go' and left as soon as possible.

MasterJohnnie · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mid 30s superior coworker came over to my desk today to discuss a project we’re working on. Without skipping a beat I greeted him with a “What’s up boo?”

My superior coworker proceeded to tell me about the project for a couple seconds then paused and said “Did you just call me boo?”

I said yup and laughed awkwardly trying to play it off as a joke....

bazmaroo · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was bartending and put drinks in front a couple who had already started a tab. They said “thanks”. I tried to say “no problem” and “you’re welcome” at the same time. Unfortunately I put the drinks down and cheerfully said “your problem!”

FatFather1818 · 1 points · Posted at 06:01:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pressed the “Volume Up” button on the car’s steering wheel because I couldn’t hear my wife clearly. She was sitting in the passenger seat next to me.

time_warp · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Scooped coffee grinds directly into my mug instead of the filter.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't believe no one has said pee'd in the the bin yet

supercoolfrog · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My S.O. gets me a glass of water before bed every night. I always drink it right next to where he places it on the bedside table. One night he handed it to me while I was on the edge, and I turned around and just dropped it. Got all over our sheets. I guess I thought the bedside table was still right behind me.

He doesn’t hand it to me anymore.

PureAlchemyX · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hola

The_Royal_VAF · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s also fun to trigger people’s autopilot, like ending a conversation with “Have a nice weekend!”, on a monday. Everyone always goes “Thanks, you too” without thinking about it, a second later getting a “what the” look on their face.

dvincent84 · 1 points · Posted at 06:02:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dude just the other day I was waiting at a stop sign.... Like I was waiting for a green light.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured myself some cooking oil instead of Apple Juice to drink.

The big containers look the same lol

coffeeislife69 · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gave patients my cellphone number instead of the pharmacy number (so many times)

GumbyJo · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I treat red traffic lights like stop signs. Stop, look around and then go.

pascalines · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a very impatient person. When I’m at home and I have to pee, I’ll start unbuttoning my pants on my way down the hall to the bathroom to maximize efficiency.

I was spacing out hardcore at work and unzipped my jeans on my way into the women’s restroom, running into several female coworkers with pants pre-unzipped.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ordered marijuana sauce instead of marinara.

BigOldGrizzly · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got halfway down my street on the way to work on motorbike to realise I had no helmet on and my dressing gown... :/

This was not long after spraying shaving foam on my armpits thinking it was deodorant...

thefirstclawedmonet · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In middle school, I once accidentally put my jeans on over my pajama pants. I didn't notice until halfway through math when I was unusually warm. I somehow started a small trend and my friends and I would continue doing this for years when it got cold outside. (We lived in South Carolina where it never got very cold.)

The jeans were tight, so I'm not sure how I didn't notice. It had to have taken a lot of effort to get the jeans over the pajama pants.

There's a good chance I was asleep when I got ready. I slept walked and talked a lot back then.

maievsha · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever people thank me, I tend to say “thank you” back.

What the fuck?

scullythesully · 1 points · Posted at 06:03:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So. My dogs love to eat the tops of strawberries (leaves and all) so I throw them to them usually. At summer camp, during lunch, I threw my strawberry leaf top on the floor, expecting my dogs to run over and vacuum it up.

Instead my counselor looked at me like “wtf, were you raised in a barn” and I apologized profusely.

Salad_Fries · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to have a habit of talking to myself/practicing future conversations while driving. (When I'm alone in the car of course)

One day, a friend and I spent the day at a cool event & I was driving us back home. Because we were both tired after an exciting day, we were both just silent for most of the car ride.

Anyway, on autopilot, I start talking to myself about my feelings I had about a very sexy acquaintance that we hung out with at the event. (Rather vulgar speak as well). My friend perks up and interrupts me with a "what the fuck are you talking about?!" Statement. I apologize & try to change the subject since it was rather embarrassing to be caught talking to myself like that.

A few minutes later, the conversation dies back down to silence & within 5ish minutes, I end up on autopilot again. In this autopilot state, I start talking to myself again, but this time it was about my friend sitting right next to me & how embarrassed I was to have been caught talking to myself. She interrupts me again with a "what are you talking about?!" Statement. Thankfully, after the 2nd time, I did everything in my power to make sure I didn't fall back into that autopilot state.

Since that incident, I have successfully trained myself to not talk to myself when driving alone anymore.

AseriesOtubes · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time, when I was 5 or 6 years old. I woke up late at night needing to go to the bathroom. I walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door, and began to pee on the floor in front of the fridge. My parents were right there and they were really confused/freaked out.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

cracked not one, but five eggs into the trash and put the shells into the batter. stood there confused for a while, and then realized what i had done.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Most grocery stores have a separate area for weighing fruits and vegetables. I was really tired one day after hitting the gym and I picked two bananas and went straight to the billing area. The billing lady picked up my banana and instinctively scanned it for a barcode. I slaughter my ass off until I realized I forgot to get it weighed as well!

CazzaLazarou · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting on my bed, watching tv in my small student room so the tv set was basically at the end of my bed. Found I couldn't hear the programme so well so I moved further down the bed, closer and closer to the tv set until my face was right up to it. Took me a minute to realise I just needed to turn the volume up.

DroidRage_ · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every so often when I’m talking to someone and preparing cereal, my brain will swap where things go. I’ll try to put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge. I usually catch myself before I finish doing it, but one time I didn’t, and when I got home later that day my kitchen smelt horrid and the gallon of milk had puffed up like a balloon.

Dub_Monster · 1 points · Posted at 06:04:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Few days ago i was matching my socks together, while sipping coffee. After i was done i picked up few socks and the empty coffee cup, walked to kitchen. I left the coffee cup on the table and somehow threw the socks to trash can..

danielfletcher · 1 points · Posted at 06:05:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I later learned it was from a seizure as turns out I have temporal lobe epilepsy, but during one of my "episodes" I went to Target and walked around for an hour and a half completely confused on why I couldn't find anything and why it was so filthy until one of my friends spotted me and it turns out I was in Walmart.

At least I have an excuse now!? Ha.

rpc-chambers · 1 points · Posted at 06:05:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove all the way to the gym when I was meant to go food shopping. About a 20 minute drive

Pseudo_Sponge · 1 points · Posted at 06:05:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just now I turned on my sink to wash my hands while also trying to throw away an ice cream bar wrapper. I ended up rinsing the wrapper and didn’t notice until I put my hand over the trash.

Dwerg1 · 1 points · Posted at 06:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a control room at a refinery. We have a button to silence audible alarms and we use radio communication. More than once have I held down the silence button when responding on the radio, finishing the entire message before I look down and realize none of it got transmitted because I held the wrong button.

bigfatlush · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to zoom in and scroll on a printed brochure.

GreenShockwave · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I one time went to Seattle to my old house, live in Portland

bargman · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone with a tracheotemy asked me something in a really raspy voice and I responded in an equally raspy voice. Their look was quite memorable.

Nition619 · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Buying something at the store and when they check you out you ask them, "is there anything else i can do for you today?"

zombieoak · 1 points · Posted at 06:06:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting plates/cups in the fridge instead of the cupboard

yogigirl11 · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was admiring the art of a board game. He hands me a token that he thought looked cool. I said, "it's so pretty!" And then... Smelled it. We both looked at each other like WTF

ThouWolfman · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling a sir a ma'am bring in the military for so long and I work in medical basically say the same speech to each patient sometimes it slips and say the other... I get awkward looks but I laugh it off

Normzau · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once threw my fists up in the air in excitement at life the same time a friend was walking to the front door that could see into the kitchen... "Hey friend" "I seen that" "Let's play counter strike"

Yrupunishingme · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was leaving a building back in college as an Asian woman was entering. I'm also an Asian woman and most of the Asians in that school knew each other. My face lit up and I waved at her. Probably even shouted "hi" or something. Her reaction was the same.

Ten seconds later, it hits me. I did not know this woman. I turned around to see her looking confused as well. Yeah, I got the hell out of there quick.

David_with_an_S · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unbuttoned my pants when pumping gas because I somehow was so lost in thought that I assumed I was at a toilet about to pee.

bluejesterr · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live abroad and I always call my family in the middle of the night.

Caleb339 · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I woke up in the middle of the night and my feet were freezing. As I was moving the covers back over my feet I said "hace frio." I then startled awake quite scared because I don't speak Spanish and had only been taking one semester of it in highschool at the time.

sanitrajula · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to grab a cup for eating something and a plate while drinking tea/coffee. This thing happened several times, atleast i realized before putting into or pouring into the respective cup or plate.

Another Case, I went to the washroom to wash or for some other thing I dont exactly remember what it was but then I started brushing my teeth. This was just once but the weirdest one.

PotCounts · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spent a solid 10 minutes walking around looking for my phone. It was in my hand the whole time.

Deadpoetic6 · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the restaurant when the waitress gives me my meal :

Have a nice meal sir

Thanks, you too

indigokiddband · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was at an event in a hotel and someone pulled the fire alarm so we all had to evacuate and stand in the cold while the fire department took care of it. While talking with friends outside, I saw another friend talking to someone else nearby and without thinking, I poked his butt to get his attention. He turned around and it turns out he wasn’t my friend at all, but some alarmed stranger. I stammered an apology and found my actual friend ten feet away who died with laughter when hearing what happened.

PitchesBeTreble · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiting for a stop sign to turn green.

ralphsrad · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed someone while in a hurry

Miceandbeans · 1 points · Posted at 06:07:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove up to a red light, stopped, and started driving right on through like it was a 4-way stop. There were cars coming at me pretty fast and it didn’t register until I was past all the traffic. Pretty lucky I didn’t die lol.

PlatypusFighter · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to make a ham sammich. Someone called me, so I grab my phone, stick it on the plate, then pick up one of the slices of bread and put it against my ear, then casually spread mayonnaise on my phone while wondering why the bread wouldn’t pick up.

axxxxxxxk · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking to myself out loud

GfunkSkillet · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my begining days of EVE i used auto pilot to cross some low sec areas and lost my haul i was carrying.

trendz19 · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While having my favourite ice cream at home (in my comfort zone), I sometimes intentionally make these loud moaning/groaning sounds followed by a sooo good exclamation, just to annoy the other family members. I accidentally did the same while in the multiplex watching a movie. Quite a head turner it was.

YouHaveADisease · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into a wall and said sorry more than a couple of times.

akiomaster · 1 points · Posted at 06:08:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm pretty sure I drove home almost asleep once. It was like, 2am after a school event and I suddenly realized I was almost home. It scared the crap out of me, because the way I drove home was a winding road, and I don't remember driving 3/4ths of it. I never let myself be in that position again, because I was pretty freaked out afterwards.

wiggyiam · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed my phone in a sink of dishes once.

imeanwhynott · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was out in the real world after a few days of playing Breath of The Wild. Saw a dragonfly and without a second thought began to crouch down to sneak up on it. Realized what I was doing and jumped back up.

celestialspace · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have 2 pairs of glasses and I tend to always put my main pair down in places around the house and forget where they are so before work I just take my spare pair and find the other set when I get home.

One morning both due to daily getting ready for work auto pilot and being half asleep still I couldn't find both pairs immediately and in a minor panic as I was running late I started getting my phone out to ring my glasses as my brain briefly thought if I can ring a lost phone I can ring lost glasses.

cacticalm · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once washed my oil paint brushes without rinsing them in solvent first. My professor was not happy with all the paint in the sink

signdetres · 1 points · Posted at 06:09:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try throwing away metal forks all the time instead of putting them in the dishwasher.

hersonlaef · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When prepping meal, I always have a trash directly in front of the table I use to prep so I can just slide the mess down.

One time I was prepping some meal and the recipe includes chopping up some herbs and veggies. I crack a garlic, chop it, and slide down the mess. I continue to do this for some herbs and a couple of vegetables. By the time I finished chopping everything, I realized that nothing is left on the chopping board and apparently I threw everything I chopped down the trash.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a bus home. I was the bus driver. It was quite a ways off the route.

LadySekhmet · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Way way way late to the game.

This happened a few years ago when my son was about two. I normally constantly was the one driving my son everywhere.

One time I had to go out to do errands nearly every day for whatever reason for a little over a week. Bring my son to car, buckle him in, adjust the buckles, then go in my seat, drive, open my door, open back door and get him out. It became such a habit that one day I was going to play games with my girlfriends that I do once monthly. A couple friends were watching me when the following occurred.

I got out of my seat, and opened the door to the back and started crying in horror saying my son is missing. My friends were like, “Uh. Did you think that you left him with Daddy?” It wasn’t one time...I had happened several times.

I was pretty embarrassed. Mom brain is real.

DamionSchubert · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About once a week, I'll walk away from a urinal expecting it to self-flush, and only realize it didn't when I'm almost out the door.

brenansb · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at church with my parents and about 100 other people when I was 7-8. I really needed to use the bathroom so I raised my hand and ask to go to the bathroom. Boy did everybody have a good laugh at me.

Nataliewassmart · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my wallet in the fridge. Took me forever to find it.

powertotheblasian · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One summer I worked two jobs (one at a local TJMaxx and another at a baseball stadium) on alternating days or sometimes go back to back working within the same day.

While working the jewelry counter, I was showing a customer several pieces, and she was quite friendly and engaging, asking for opinions and suggestions.

Once I had agreed to take her jewelry to the registers up front, I had left the conversation/sale by saying “Thank you, Enjoy the game!” and thought nothing of it until the next customer came along.

She must’ve thought I had literally lost my mind.

ChiggawithAttitude · 1 points · Posted at 06:10:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the drive through, leaving right after paying/only getting drinks

_subgenius · 1 points · Posted at 06:11:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had quit smoking for 3 weeks and suddenly realized I was halfway done with a cigarette. Had stopped at the gas station, bought a pack, opened it, & lit up without even knowing it.

DeltaOneFive · 1 points · Posted at 06:11:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put hand soap on my toothbrush while trying to brush my teeth. Luckily I caught that before it got to my mouth.

Devilwearspraduh · 1 points · Posted at 06:11:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A customer walked in and I recited our phone response, “thank you for calling_____ how can I help you” when I should’ve said hi how are you

nel_wo · 1 points · Posted at 06:11:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the office bathroom and turned on the hand dryer to microwave my lunch.

rainwillwashitaway · 1 points · Posted at 06:11:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My loony great grandmother, instead of saying something normal like "hop to it" or "let's get a move on" used to say "run like a ni&&er". She meant absolutely no harm by it and in her old ignorant way thought she was complimenting Jesse Owens and other fabulous black athletes- our hometown hero was Harry Jerome and she had quite the crush on him.

I was always mindful of the importance of NEVER saying this; my sister and I would use her as an example of horrid old-speak and warn each other to never be like that. And you know what's coming: my only black friend in our lily white neighbourhood is over playing and we get called for some treat like popcorn or something and out it comes. I said it. To my black friend. He pretended not to hear and we never spoke of it, but he MUST have heard me. God I hope he did not. But we are still great friends. I have never used the word since. I love my old school hip hop, but I skip over those two syllables even in my mind. When friends of any colour were singing along at parties and I knew that word was coming I would not move my lips for any part of that song. Thank heaven for the radio edits of Digital Underground and the clean One Time's Got No Case. I don't think my kids have ever heard a white person say it and they would bury me alive if I ever used it.

killeroftherose · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I softly bumped into my boyfriend and I said “ouch!”

It didn’t hurt

sojahi · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I had 3 jobs I went to the wrong one, sat down at my desk and started working. Didn't realise until a co-worker said something. Then I was late for the job I was actually supposed to be at.

BootyIsAsBootyDo · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to a prep high school, had to wear shirt and tie every day. Senior year at lunch one day, I abruptly stood up, shocked, exclaiming "Where is my tie???" since it wasn't on my neck. Turns out I took it off when I grabbed my lunch from my locker, out of habit of taking it off at the end of the day when I packed up.

santifuzzycheeks · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I wake up in the morning to shower I put my body wash in my hair

ObsidianAvALyn · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two previous jobs I've had, had similar speeches when answering calls... leaving me confusing many people trying to find about bowling.

1st was Thank you for calling (City name) Cracker barrel this is (your name) how can I help you...

2nd job goes: Thank you for calling Stardust 2 (same city) this is (your name) how can I help you.

People, oh my I have the wrong number. No ma'am I'm just a stoop...

stinkylittleone · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve seen the same therapist for nearly four years now and I just about always walk. Yesterday I was running late so I drove. After the session I went and got a coffee and walked home 🤷🏻‍♀️ I only realized just as I got into my apartment, had to walk back to town later to get the car.

blairballs · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a place that sells food, snuck out the back took of my glove and went to eat a spare of something we sell, put the glove in my mouth and threw out what I wanted to eat, all because I was in a rush.

unusualNino · 1 points · Posted at 06:12:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have two identical pairs of shoes, but one of them is white and the other bright red. I only realized I mixed them up when people at school started asking if shoes with different colors were the new fashion trend

xenacoryza · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The industrial toaster at work had a removable tray, says "Caution do not touch" because its crazy hot. I came into work and it was sticking out a little bit so I shoved it back in with my finger. Third degree burn on my fingertip and under my fingernail.

xsy- · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After an intense workout in a gym a buddy and I drove to subway. We parked pretty near to it. After eating we went straight past the car and couldn’t really remember where we parked it. We searched the car and after a bit we found it and thought ‘well, that was weird’.

CastingCough · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Here's your tickets, enjoy your movie"

"You too!"

omnomphenomenon · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sick at work and not paying enough attention, apparently. Mopped the floor, then proceeded to try and wheel the mop bucket into the walk-in refrigerator...

Realized what I was about to attempt when my hand touched the handle, and had to make it look like I was totally going in there for something else.

if_a_flutterby · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad was a firefighter in Elizabeth, NJ. He has a really great story from when the Bayway Circle was actually a circle.

House gets a call, it's close, but it's bad (fire doesn't come to traffic accidents unless there is a reason). It's a BRAND NEW conversion van. My dad had SEEN this kinda van on tv, but this is the real deal. Drive it, travel in it, all things are possible.

The guy bought it BRAND NEW from the dealership just up 1&9 . BRAND NEW. He thought cruise control, was AUTO PILOT!!!!! He kept telling all the first responders, "I put auto pilot on" .

No one died, but people got hurt. And, it's too busy to have ever stayed a circle, but this was given as an example for lights and refitting the circle

HomicidalNymph · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got my licence when I started uni. Long course hours had me leaving my keys in the fridge.

BigALittleBit · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked out of my house and walked to my parents house about 3 blocks away to pick up my car. When I got there I couldn't find my car in the driveway and started panicking. Then I remembered I had left my car parked on my street.

Nesano · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in 2nd grade I took my shirt off to put it in the cubby hole thinking I was wearing a sweat shirt.

kangfapanda · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled out my house key at the ATM machine when I was getting ready to withdraw money...

Cancer_Bat · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stepped on a piece of dog food, crushing it. So I apologized to my dog for ruining her meal. Then I remembered my dog was in bed and I was in the kitchen alone.

kl1010 · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working 7 days a week in a gas station for a year then got off went to a gas station to buy a soda. Cashier tells me $1.179 please and I say " Anything else for you ?"

BoogChoo · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I baw'd in the middle of the office one day. Usually I internalise these sorts of noises to keep me wake when especially tired. Oops!

Pleb_nz · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my clothes on inside out and gone to work

evanjw90 · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shared a car with my wife for a long time. My son and I would routinely walk to school. Finally got my own car and dropped my son off at school. Walked him inside, signed him in, and walked home. Forgot I had my own car and drove him to school. Had to walk all the way back haha.

animalpack · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but two days ago I went through the McDonalds drive thru. After placing my order, the lady said to me, "For here or to go?" She gave a long pause and gave a slight giggle while I cracked up. She's worked there for years and always does drive-thru and is a total no nonsense person. That mild crack in her demeanor was hilarious to me.

udntsay · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been studying all day and decided to take a bath. I proceeded to step into the bath with my socks on. Then realized I also had my pajamas on....

Zaanix · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shaving cream and hand soap right next to it.

Kept eye contact with a fucking idiot in the mirror as I slapped my face with Christmas-themed vanilla bean.

northcyning · 1 points · Posted at 06:14:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Half asleep I’ve put a boiling kettle into the fridge before and only realised when I want to put the milk on the kettle plate...

UnlovedByAl · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll turn completely around in a circle when I look for things I've lost. Some people have seen it in action. Its embarrassing.

CZILLROY · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Raccoons tore up my garbage the other day and revealed to me that I've been throwing away my small spoons. I only use my small spoons to scoop my cats wet food and then I put them in the dishwasher.

It all came rushing back to me that sometimes I throw them in the garbage instead when I found my torn apart garbage bag. About 4 of them in that bag alone, but I've been noticing that my small spoon count has slowly been decreasing for a while now.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have phone in my hand and i decide to make myself cereal, i take the milk out and pour some cereal and im after im done eating "wheres my phone" i go to the kitchen milk is on the counter and phone is in the fridge

Edit: Typos

adamzep91 · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once driving with my boss to a client office in the city where I went to university. I was talking to him and not completely paying attention so instead of driving to our actual destination I pulled into the house I used to live in, and was about to get out when my boss asked what we were doing there. To make it worse I’d been out of school for about 4 years at that point.

DariusPumpkinRex · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made myself some popcorn, walked over to the kitchen trash can with my bowl of popcorn in one hand, empty popcorn bag in the other. Opened the can with my foot.... and dumped the popcorn in the trash.

ilovevoat · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

live

sandri103 · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took a urine drug test and right before I asked “I’m not supposed to flush right?” And of course, I flushed and had to sit around for another hour chugging water to do the test all over again

simplicy · 1 points · Posted at 06:15:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad installed the lock on our family house door upside down. So you have to turn the key counter clockwise instead of clockwise to unlock it. When I returned from a weekend in my family home, I tried to unlock the door of my campus house counter clock wise too. Surprise, surprise it wouldn't open. I thought the door was broken so I ended up calling my roommates home early from work to fix the door. They were calling the locksmith when they opened the door by turning the key the correct direction.

MrsBalz · 1 points · Posted at 06:16:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I used to work on a railroad, supervising about 30 grumpy old men. I was a 26 year old woman at the time. When I was fairly green and not accustomed to construction banter, I once accidentally told one of my employees I loved them while saying goodbye on the phone.

Edited to add: After getting used to the railroad banter, I left and started working at a County government. My department director had a can of fancy mixed nuts sitting on a table around Christmas time. Without thinking I said "Hey Tom, don't leave your nuts lying around," forgetting that I now work with civilized human beings.

Kai-07 · 1 points · Posted at 06:16:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Was driving to work. At one point I was wondering why it was taking so long to get there. Realized I had driven another 10 minutes past the turn I was suppose to take, just zoning out.

A furious U-turn ensued.

Sack-of-bean · 1 points · Posted at 06:16:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the mornings I’m always running late to work. One morning as I pull into the lot I find I can’t get my key out of the ignition. I’m twisting it every which way and it’s stuck so I get out of the car and start frantically looking around for someone to help me. Then I realize... I didn’t put the car in park.

vanfidel · 1 points · Posted at 06:16:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my wife and I had a baby I was extremely sleep deprived. When I got home from the grocery store I was unloading fruit from the bag and instead of putting the apples in the bowl and throwing the bag away I put away the bag and threw away the apples.

tommy91110 · 1 points · Posted at 06:16:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for at a Jamba Juice, and you always have to welcome in a guest as soon as they walk in the door. I still catch myself at somewhere like McDonalds and someone will come in behind me and I will very loudly say, "Hi Welcome In!!!"

JubilantSquidGal · 1 points · Posted at 06:16:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was up for 41 hours and tried turning my t.v on with my air conditioner remote. 🤦🏻‍♀

a_good_point · 1 points · Posted at 06:17:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my husband I miss him...while he was sitting across from me. We had been briefly living apart when I moved for a promotion and at this point he’d finally relocated.

TwinMarsh · 1 points · Posted at 06:17:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably too late to get seen, but at work I was asked to move a mini pizza from a small plate to a larger one and put some chips on too. I put the smaller plate with the pizza on, onto the bigger plate, and sprinkled the chips around it, which kept falling off because of the lack of space between the two edges of the plates. I started to realise something was wrong at this point, but kept trying for a few more seconds until my co-worker saw and discovered I was an idiot.

XesEri · 1 points · Posted at 06:17:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my boyfriend regularly welcomes me to Wendys if I inadvertently ask him a question while he's sleeping. Also on the rare occasion that we actually go to Wendys.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:17:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was exhausted in college, sat down in the very front of my college library and typed in my go to porn site, the clarity on those imacs.

cooljman64 · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A girl dropped a pencil next to me back in middle school and I said ouch when it hit the ground

miuyhb · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to fill up my car after working for 11 hours. Pulled up to the pump, opened my gas cap, and tried to swipe my card where you put the gas.

VisualStarfighter · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Hi, thanks for choosing Taco Bell, how can I Taco?"

lolzilla · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We just moved to a new place, new town about 40 minutes from our old house where we lived for 11 years.

Driving "home" from Ikea, I made it to about 3 blocks of the old house when I realized.

We had a good laugh and happily made it the "scenic route."

This was last week.

AnthonySteelex64 · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"drive safe" "you too" I said this to a customer that I just delivered a pizza to.

FriedCockatoo · 1 points · Posted at 06:18:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove 2 hours to the wrong house. Hadn't lived there in 4 years

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've used a Kindle for about 10 years now (mostly for reading) and there is a dictionary built in so you just highlight the word and the dictionary comes up. Every once in a blue moon I read a paper book and try to highlight the word to get the dictionary. Sort of the same thing, I seem to always want to swipe a paper page to get the page to turn.

tranzypew · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I finished a math test early in high school and decided to take a nap. I started groaning in my sleep and scared myself awake. When I lived my head up everyone was looking at me. Thank god it was our final so I didn’t have to go back to class with that embarrassment.

blackoutofplace · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I hold someone else’s baby, I do mom things. I’ve squeezed their diaper to see if it’s wet, shush a kid that’s not even crying, I tried to feed a baby (not yet on solids) my kid’s baby food. Not like I’m caring for these kids, just like at an event holding a kid for five min.

wanderingtheshoulds · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

With my young kids in Home Depot I asked a fully grown male employee where the “potty” was.

Christian_Baal · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hit the unlock button on my key FOB to try to unlock the front door of my house. Today I tried to unlock my friends car door as we walked up to it.

justslizzzinaround · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day back when I was in college, I was walking to class and saw a crow walking around on the path. I got excited, waved, and said "hey, what's up?!" I realized right after I'd blurted out my greeting that I was talking to a BIRD. Thankfully, no one else seemed to notice and I took off walking briskly with head down the rest of the way.

thatswhatpamsaid · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got off work after a 16 hour shift and I was driving home around 3 AM. It was a weekday during Christmas time so there wasn’t anyone out and it was cold and pitch black outside.

It looked so dark outside that I kept thinking to myself that the city needed to put in more street lights.

I got all the way to my house, which was 20 minutes away from where I worked at the time, and entered my neighborhood before I realized that it was so dark because I had neglected to turn my headlights on.

seekweb · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Printed out slides for a class, caught myself attempting to pinch and zoom.

McMullanTV · 1 points · Posted at 06:19:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Women at my work was making fun of a colleague with mental health issues and justified it by saying

“I’m bipolar, I can laugh.”

To which I immediately responded

“And cry.”

Mereimages · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving a message on someone's voicemail and I finished by saying, "In your name do I pray. Amen."

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I regularly put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the pantry.

frankitx · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving and talking to my mom on the Bluetooth. After a few minutes on the highway I started panicking. She asked what was up. I couldn't find my keys and didn't know where they were. She was telling me to check the hook in my room I told her I couldn't do that because I was driving. She then started laughing non stop for 10 minutes. I was almost in tears because I was going to be late if I couldn't find my keys. Finally she told me I was driving so I had my keys.

laurakathrn · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a hostess at a restaurant and have been there for 2 years. I can’t tell you how many times i started to tell a table y’all come back and see us when I’m seating them, thank you for calling (restaurant) as customers walk in, etc. When I let my mouth talk without thinking I get my lines mixed up.

zsaneib · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk in the cabinet cereal in the fridge. Ice cream j. The fridge. Attempt to shift an automatic.

layth888 · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

3rd grade we ate breakfast in home room class. We had buckets were you would throw out liquids and other was for trash. I didn't finish my cereal or orange juice and proceeded to pour the liquid in the trash and the the ceral and juice containers in the liquid only bucket. Teacher then gets a bit pissed and asked who did it and I was in total auto pilot mode I didn't even know I did it. Even called the dude an idiot.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I lose my keys or something, I have this habit of pulling my phone out before trying to Google where they are.

I haven't made it as far as opening Google yet but it's the thought that counts.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking by myself and was on the phone with my dad when I told a couple, "excuse us", as I walked passed.

eric_101030 · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long day of revising for an exam I selected some text on the computer, pressed Ctrl-C, looked down at the piece of paper infront of me, right clicked an invisible mouse, and was confused when I couldn't paste the text. That's when I knew it was time for bed!

SAPHEI · 1 points · Posted at 06:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I left for work at a new job one day and had to make a u-turn about five minutes into my commute because I realized I was driving to my old job.

Bjc272 · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

(Me meeting tutor for first time)

Tutor: Hi how are you!

Me: Jacob.

Mother_of_Smaug · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have synesthesia and people's voices have color. I tend to ignore them so when they inevitably ask what color they are I have to listen to them talk and sort out the colors. Well an ex co-worker of mine asked and I was listening to his voice as he wondered out loud if his voice was brown. My distracted brain said before I could catch it "no I met a brown person once, I didn't like them" meaning of course the color of their voice (mean bitchy teacher I had in grade school) but the way I said it was very unintentionally rasist. My coworker proceeds to fall off his chair laughing, my manager who was sitting with us just face palmed and Iaughed, and I realized what I said as soon as I heard myself say it and of course tried to explain but it was too late. They knew what I meant but it just came out so wrong, and they laughed about it for a long time. Lol.

Whowhatwhynguyen · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk in the cabinet, cereal in the fridge. Hands down.

drgradus · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to pinch to zoom a photograph someone handed me.

thphtpmkn · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at my little brothers basketball practice. Dad gives me keys and tells me me to het my brothers water. Proceed to go to car take out my back pack and go back to the gym. It want until my dad looked at me funny I realized my mistake

Anomaly11C · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at a liquor store and at the end of the night I bouthy some stuff for myself. After the purchase was completed I asked myself if I wanted a bag and my receipt, out loud...

Umutuku · 1 points · Posted at 06:21:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the height of my multi-month carbon monoxide poisoning episode I was basically living entirely on autopilot, but like a real fucky autopilot. The weirdest thing that happened was that I wandered into the basement and clipped the 220 line going to the electric range in the kitchen with a pair of bolt cutters... and no ground safety equipment... without turning the breaker off... because a 110 GFCI in the kitchen wasn't working.

Buy CO detectors, yo.

KhostfaceGillah · 1 points · Posted at 06:22:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to make a ham sandwich, put the ham into the bread, bit into it, I forgot the damn butter

Thaumaturgia · 1 points · Posted at 06:22:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, I woke up and wanted to check the clock. I start to try to lit the backlight, but it is nearly dead and rarely works now "ok, I'll bring the clock close to my eyes, sometimes I'm able to read it like this... Hmmm... Not today". So I decide to put the light on, but it don't works. Here is exactly what happened in my mind : "ok it starts to piss me, I'll open my eyes it will be eas-... WAIT WHAT?"

I was trying to read the clock with my eyes closed. And brain knew it from the beginning but was in "yeah, you don't need that" mode.

Another quick one : I was driving with a friend, and stop at a traffic light :

Friend : why are you stopped?

Me: traffic light

Friend : ... It's green

Me : ... Oh...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:22:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I answered my doctor's call on my personal phone with my work phone greeting. "*** hospital laboratory, mcderpyface speaking, how can I help you?" He laughed at me a little... It had been a long day.

Rincewind17 · 1 points · Posted at 06:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was making a cup of tea and putting the laundry on at the same time. Put a teabag in the mug, and then another in the washing machine instead of a laundry tab.

probablysalad · 1 points · Posted at 06:22:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Super late to this, but whenever I come home for the night and I know my dog is ready for bed, I’ll take his collar off and give him his nightly scritches. One night I came home, and when I went to take his collar off I reached toward his collar with my keys.. as if to “unlock” his collar to remove it or something. Immediately I paused, confused as to where I thought I was going with this. Dog didn’t care either way.

Zdoon_dnes · 1 points · Posted at 06:23:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally introduced myself with a completely wrong name.

brodstyle · 1 points · Posted at 06:23:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peeled a banana with my phone in hand, threw my phone and banana out and then realized what I did and did it again.

chogost_boy · 1 points · Posted at 06:23:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying 'goodbye' to a co-worker when were going in the same direction

cosmosgal · 1 points · Posted at 06:23:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost always bring a water bottle wherever I go. One night I was out with my boyfriend and we got out of the car to head inside the restaurant and when we reached the curb I noticed that I had carried my bottle with me.

Spoonsiest-Spoon · 1 points · Posted at 06:23:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a school council meeting and we were passing motions on starting clubs, groups asking for funding, etc and I was pretty zoned out so when everyone said "aye" I also said aye, but then he said "all who oppose say nay" and I was the only one to say it, and man did I for whatever reason say it courageously. We had to go over it again and take another vote after lmao

imharmless · 1 points · Posted at 06:24:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made pancakes then poured a glass of syrup and drenched my pancakes in milk

cip43r · 1 points · Posted at 06:24:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So there were these two big buildings...

LordDariusBlakk · 1 points · Posted at 06:24:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a Lab Tech (draws blood, the. Runs the tests). When I was in the Service, we’d always have to ask the patient to take off their uniform blouse before they sat in the phleb chair. It became an automatic thing. I would call their name, and then as we were walking to the room I’d ask for them to remove their top.

It was all fine until I called back a defendant spouse who was obviously not in uniform. We were really busy that day, and I’m in overdrive. I call her name and as we’re walking back I say the same as I always do, “Ma’am, if you’ll just remove your top and have a seat, I’ll be done quickly.”

Oops.

linkinparkfannumber1 · 1 points · Posted at 06:24:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a Christmas party we had a lot of leftovers at the dorm but no microwave. So instead, I filled a plate and put it in the oven. I then took the plate out with gloves on, grabbed cutlery and in those three seconds, my brain had forgotten that the plate was hot.

I picked it up and didn’t realize immediately before I threw it on the ground and had first degree burns on all 10 fingertips.

TheMrFraz · 1 points · Posted at 06:25:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was 11 when I saw the first Harry Potter movie in theaters and had only recently gotten into the book series, so I was INTO IT. So much so that during the End-of-Term Feast when everyone is bummed believing Slytherin won again while the total House points are read aloud by Dumbledore, I was sad-clapping in the theater along with the kids in the movie. My mom was very confused. I didn't realize I was doing it until she said something.

littlecannibalmuffin · 1 points · Posted at 06:25:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the refrigerator

Spaghetti-Bathtub · 1 points · Posted at 06:26:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making eggs for breakfast one time and I was cracking them on the counter and splitting them into the pan. But on the last one I just cracked and split it right on the counter without thinking. My boyfriend still brings it up.

TotallyNotanOfficer · 1 points · Posted at 06:26:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ran into a pine tree with a tractor and knocked it the fuck down. Don't know if i counts because I was like 4. I barely remember any of it.

Liv-dangerously · 1 points · Posted at 06:26:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I picked up one of those stuffed toys with a music box in it, and one of the feet/hands are usually what activates it. I look at the foot and go, “why does the sticker on its foot say ‘no?’”

MacAndCheesing · 1 points · Posted at 06:26:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracking dozens of eggs at work, every once in a while I’ll crack one right into the compost and throw the shell in with the cracked eggs.

divideone · 1 points · Posted at 06:26:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school I would NEVER nap, ever, unless I was seriously exhausted. One day in the winter I dozed off and woke up around 7:30, and it was dark out. My tired ass looks at the clock, assumes it’s the next morning, and runs through my whole morning routine of showering, brushing my teeth, packing my bag, and getting ready to walk out the door, only to walk into the kitchen, in full school uniform with my backpack on to see my family staring at me in confusion as to why I was leaving for school at 8:00 at night...

TheMasternaut · 1 points · Posted at 06:27:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to pinch zoom a printed photo.

Anonymous2401 · 1 points · Posted at 06:27:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw sandwich at bed, bit phone

Cptheadshotz · 1 points · Posted at 06:28:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a grocery store that had a perks program. I eventually switched to another grocery store with a completely different program and on my first day I asked at least a dozen people

"Can I see your price chopper card (where I used to work)?

trydeathshadow · 1 points · Posted at 06:28:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher "mom" oof

ElevenLeaves · 1 points · Posted at 06:28:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was working at a warehouse I spent most of my time driving a forklift. I always had tall skids to move around so I drove backwards almost everywhere I went. The rule was to honk the horn before every corner and at every stop sign.

While driving my car I honked the horn at a stop sign, while backing out of my driveway and a parking spot. On one occasion I honked the horn before a sharp turn and kind of scared myself out of auto pilot.

trcndc · 1 points · Posted at 06:28:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the same compartment as someone else in a tiny revolving door.

NormaManteley · 1 points · Posted at 06:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started to put the milk back in the fridge after adding a splash to my coffee. Only it was actually the cup of coffee. Bonus: I took a sip of milk first, thinking it was the coffee.

TrynHawaiian · 1 points · Posted at 06:29:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I flew the airplane through the final approach course and forgot to activate the final segment of the approach. Looked pretty dumb to ATC. Also auto captured my altitude without noticing leaving me super high, couldn’t make it down in time and had to get vectored back onto the approach. Silly me

mrwizard71 · 1 points · Posted at 06:29:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to cut up my phone bc I left it on the cutting board.

SendBoots · 1 points · Posted at 06:29:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was cooking for lunch when I remembered I needed tomato sauce from the grocery bag. Got a tetra pack, looked at it, and put it in the pot.

It was fabric softener.

gtr_1234 · 1 points · Posted at 06:29:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am I the only one who thought the question was about Tesla auto pilot

daybrownrigg · 1 points · Posted at 06:30:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm laughing my head off at these and need to add in my most embarrassing moment. I work in health care and at home I have a dog. One morning I called a patient into the room and introduced myself. I wanted her to sit on the chair in the room so I could ask her some questions. Out of habit at home or autopilot, I snapped my fingers, pointed in her direction and just bluntly called "sit". I then pretended it didn't happen and she didn't comment.

syke_spirit · 1 points · Posted at 06:31:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally kissed my mom on the mouth before I left the house after having my first gf for about a month.

butterbeard · 1 points · Posted at 06:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a teenager, my mom asked me to do the dishes one day. She came back later and I hadn't. "I thought I asked you to do the dishes?" she said.

My reply: "Yeah, but I figured 'em." And then I snapped back into reality and realized that made no sense.

squidnov · 1 points · Posted at 06:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called the teacher mom. Male teachers included.

Hera_stargazer · 1 points · Posted at 06:31:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The first time reading a paperback book after using e-readers for many years. I got to the end of a page and tried to swipe instead of flipping the page. I wish I could say it only happened once.

mister-grayson · 1 points · Posted at 06:31:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my wallet into a trash can today. I thought it was the garbage that I just put back into my pocket

FrozenWafflesOP · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove back to my college on winter break two hours away.

shiveringsongs · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a bar with my boyfriend and halfway through every shift I ask him to bring me a Sprite because it helps me stay awake without keeping me up all night.

One night he wasn't there so I asked another male coworker to bring me a drink. When he handed it to me I said "thanks babe" and then we just stared at each other.

happystarfish · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While talking to my friend, I tried using my dorm key to start my car.

I didn’t realize until I nearly bent my plastic keycard in the slot.

synester101 · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time, my brother and I got some McDonald's and brought it home. My brother got us some cups to pour ourselves some soda. He went to pour his, but he reached for the ketchup inatead and started pouring it in the cup. He got about a third the way up before realizing his mistake.

shinysmileygirl · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where I work we sell lottery scratch offs at the counter. And also out of a vending machine at the other side of the store. Most people don’t use the machine though.

The other day a guy came up with a few items, beer and some other stuff. He also set 2 scratch offs on my counter. I scanned his stuff and then grabbed his tickets, thinking they were old ones to redeem. As I scan them, he starts saying something to me. I finally snapped back into my body and realized he was saying “hey, what are you doing? I just bought those from the machine!” I’m like “oh shit, I’m sorry! But... you won $500...” Felt kind of bad I’d robbed him of the joy of scratching them. But he didn’t seem too upset in the end.

Rossibrear · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working the register at a pool, one off the svimers from a club says Good morning(usually i say it before EM), I responded whit good night. It was 0530am so I was still trying to get my eyes up. My colleague starts laughing manical and the svimmer try too hold it in gets half way inn too the changing area before they breaks apart aswell.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

When I used to be a huge stoner after high school I got extremely high and then made myself a bagel. For some reason my mom froze them, so I had to thaw it out in the microwave before toasting it. To this day I still think I put my debit card password in as the "time" which was 2078 when I did this. So a bagel sat microwaving for about 20+ minutes until I smelled it. Not a nice smell at all.

fergiferg1a · 0 points · Posted at 06:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Posting debit card password on an online forum. Weird flex but okay

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:56:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"was this code" means it isn't that # anymore. And that's not how you use that meme.

canadianconsultant · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cashier: have a safe flight!

Me: thanks, you too!

Sunnysidhe · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my son's first birthday party, after a year of saying mommy this mommy that, I was asking everyone what they would like to drink and in front of everyone i said to my mother 'What would you like to drink mommy'. My friends still rib me about it 5 years later.

benihaniman · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asking someone who ordered only drinks if they want that for here or to go.... because we totally put your drinks in a bag

Hawkinsinz · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a cup of tea, first thing in the morning. Put the kettle in the fridge instead of the milk.

GodriTheDwarf · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw an entire roll of toilet paper in a toilet at someone elses house.

masarose · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finished a workout at the gym and took off my shoes to put on my sweatpants over my shorts, almost took off my shorts completely before I yanked them back up

forkushirtforbrains · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm learning hand lettering, and I was asked to write out the winners' names for our Christmas cookie contest on the certificates using my "fancy" writing. When it came time to do it, I totally zoned out and wrote the names in my regular penmanship. I felt so stupid.

Aperfectmoment · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove home following all road laws. Scary thing was sticking my head up to not know where I was twice on yhe trip then as soon as I knew I was back into auto. Later that night when sleeping my dream was me still driving home and crashing.

Made me wonder if I really died on the way home and since consciousness can't die I just respawned with the memory of making it home even though it was far more likely I crashed in that state.

Fulback · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my shoes in the fridge And took my milk in my room to wear

ssuhasini · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a touchscreen laptop at home and a normal one at work. Almost every Monday, I spend the first few minutes at work absentmindedly jabbing at the laptop screen until I realize it's not touch enabled.

n1a37 · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put moisturizer in my hair and pomade on my face

Darcness777 · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracking eggs at work in the deli. grab egg, crack it, dump into pitcher, toss shell- you get fast at is as time progresses. I actually at one point realized I dumped the egg in the trash and threw the shell into the pitcher. I wanted to scream so damn bad.

Gingizzler · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my sister:

We were in a parking garage on the first floor near one of the staircases. She was sort of in some guy's way who was trying to go up the stairs. She moved, and this was the conversation:

Her: "Oops, sorry!" Him: "You're fine." Her, without even thinking: "Yeah I am 😏" (with that exact expression)

The guy did sort of a confused double-take, but also slightly chuckled cause he found it funny

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:33:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was late to school and knocked on the wrong classroom door but it wasn’t like just one door down it was on the complete other side of the hallway

Hunnilisa · 1 points · Posted at 06:34:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have answered a handheld scanner and a stapler instead of the phone at work.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:34:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sleep deprived brain once tried to 'Shush' my alarm. I've also gone to wash my hands and squeezed toothpaste onto my hand instead of handsoap, didn't realize until I started lathering it all over my hands.

syke_spirit · 1 points · Posted at 06:34:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually hava my safety boots on for the whole work day. Once I had an important meeting in the middle of the day so I put on my regular shoes. Before I left in the evening I naturally changed my shoes and drove home. It was at home that I recognized that I drove 4 miles on my bycicle with safety boots

Costanza_stand_in · 1 points · Posted at 06:34:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a Christmas party last week I started rubbing my best friends thigh like i do to my wife.

BOFHEY · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my Mum came out of the supermarket to find an old man by her car with the AA trying to unlock her car door. He had mistaken her blue Datsun Sunny for his Datsun Sunny and couldn't get the door open so called the AA to help him. She helped him find his own car and load his shopping into the boot for him.

I have gotten into a white Mitsubishi Magna and tried to start it and then just realised I was sitting in someone else's car (because it was clean).

hollaatyoself · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

constantly leave non-automatic sinks on

scyth3s · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once a block of parmesan cheese in the microwave. No one saw.

I once blew on a refrigerated pineapple slice to cool it down. People saw.

br0ken_jack0ff · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driven from home to school and back.

Driving anywhere I really just go on auto pilot. It just happens.

Hayhayhaily · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge

ridebikesitsfun · 1 points · Posted at 06:35:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I moved out of my mums place, she got a female Chinese exchange student for a bit. And one night I was staying at my mums after drinks with a friend (I lived out of town and didn’t want to pay for a taxi home) and after 2-3 pints instinctively went into my old room, the room she was staying in. I realised my error a few feet from the bed and froze trying not to wake her.

Of course she woke up, rolled over, put her glasses on just to me standing there... frozen in mid step, mortified. “Hello im ridebikesitsfun, sorry to wake you”

Naturally she screamed. So I walked backwards out apologising and trying to explain I am an idiot. My mum comes running.

Safe to say, NO ONE saw the funny side.

TonyDungyHatesOP · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Reply to t

millyman253 · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll just tell you all now.... the cereal does not go in the refrigerator

FeanorBlu · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at an A&W. I was handing a man his water bottle and said "Here's your rootbeer."

mippnles · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Man, I’m super late in commenting, but I was in my late teens and went to kiss my mom goodbye. In doing so I accidentally stuck my tongue in her mouth. She lurched back and said, “Ew! What are you doing?!” I looked at her in horror and said, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry, mom.” gag

bremergorst · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Using the flashlight on my phone to look for my phone. For 5 minutes.

fredditb · 1 points · Posted at 06:36:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbing my breakfast sandwich to eat it while walking to the bus. I was late so there was no way to eat it at home. Enjoyed the food while walking and finished right when the bus arrived. Perfect.

Only then I noticed that I was standing at a crowded bus stop with an empty plate in my hand.

abms809 · 1 points · Posted at 06:37:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After 3 weeks of caring for our newborn, my sleep deprived husband walked up to me and tried to pick me up from under the armpits like a baby

cyniclawl · 1 points · Posted at 06:37:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured Diet Coke into my top ramen that I just made. I stopped and thought "This doesn't seem right...no no I've done that before but this is right this time." Then I realized my mistake. Again...

DesigningJenny · 1 points · Posted at 06:37:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Telling a customer, "thank you for calling (insert store here), how may I help you today?" when they approached my register. We both looked at each other and cracked up laughing as soon as I realized what I had done. Not my finest moment.

CrankySnowman · 1 points · Posted at 06:38:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to prank my girlfriend at the time by putting a rubber band on a sink sprayer. Without thinking I go to the sink and turn it on.

euoria · 1 points · Posted at 06:38:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've done a lot of work things on autopilot. Example, in the early 2000's when you had a traditional phone, I was talking with my friend on it and pouring myself a glass of OJ, then I hung up put the phone in the fridge and the OJ on the charging station. Didn't realize what I did until I went for a second glass and found the phone in the fridge instead.

Another example, I live in an apartment building on the third floor, so everyday I get into the elevator push the third floor button and the door to my apartment is exactly outside the elevator so I just get out and get into my apartment. Except that one time, after a long exhausting day, I must've pressed another button, but I got out, open the door, thought to myself "weird that it's unlocked", took my shoes off, threw my handbag on the floor, and then I saw a man, in underwear staring at me like I was crazy, I was just about to ask him what the fuck he thinks he is doing until I look around and realize- I'm not at home. Needless to say, I had hard time explaining myself.

tesser18 · 1 points · Posted at 06:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was introduced to this girl in a work setting as being the small petite thin one upstairs on the floor. I thought sure small super thin girl, got it. I will know her when I see her, but later saw her and realized that she was like super petite. Fast forward a few days and I see her in a warehouse isle pushing a cumbersome metal rack of clothing. I watch her, hold eye contact as I walk by and in my oh so wonderful no filter way here myself say out loud cool a Girl with a Huge Rack. My brain melted and I was legit auto piloting myself as I turned around and just smiled like a complete fucking idiot, and thank god she was just turning around with the funkiest chuckle grin on her face. I was so fucking relieved she was a real human. I still don't know her name.

nameunconnected · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got into my car without pants on, just a longish shirt and shoes.

palomalink · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was playing checkers and eating trail mix- put the game piece in my mouth and the peanut on the board

stubble · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a teenager I remember pouring tea into the sugar bowl one morning at breakfast... No idea why...

Deus_Ex_Mortum · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a cell phone bench tech for a particularly yellow hued company and one morning, without paying any attention while half asleep, I managed to repair one of the more complicated touchscreen phones. It had like, 22 screws and it was before the production company whose device I was working on had begun to incorporate modular parts on their circuitry.

Empty_Allocution · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put tea bags in a bowl and filled it up with milk. Put cereal in my mug and then put the mug in the fridge.

Magmahydro_ · 1 points · Posted at 06:39:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a secure lab with keycard access. I can't tell you how many times I've put my house key up to the card reader or tried to put my badge up to my deadbolt at home. I've not been spotted yet.

jordyKbell · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I used to have an early morning class that started at 6 am. I always parked on the street in front of my house and for some unknown reason a guy always parked his car in front of mine instead of in front of his girlfriend’s house a few doors down. I guess he didn’t want to park under some trees? Anyway, one morning I get in my car, still pretty tired, and grouchily remind myself that instead of just pulling away from the curb, I need to back up a little first so I don’t hit that stupid Nissan Z. I then put my car in drive and ruined his bumper. I was mortified. My parents were nice enough to handle it while I was at school and the guy understood and let us pay for the damage without filing an insurance claim.

ZenoAegis · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Playing cards with a large group of friends. One of my friends suggested a correction on how I played my turn. I'm used to my wife correcting me or offering advice, so I say, "Thanks Babe." He looked me weirdly and we both ignored it. Luckily the table was busy enough no one else noticed

Uffle · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to school on Saturday

lasignaboy · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 8, I pissed in our laundry basket because I thought it was a toilet

It was like 1 in the morning, and I was tired

Slappin45 · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had my headphones on at work and a guy walked by and asked my name. I told him my name and said "you?" He said Logan. I said "good for you..."

dotchianni · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used the flashlight on my cellphone to search behind the couch to see if I could find my cellphone. I have it set to where you shake it twice to turn the flashlight on and off so I didn't even think about it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in 7th grade. I was very big friend with one girl back then. Once we were going out of school, she waited for me because I had to change my boots. When i arrived to her she was sitting on a fence. She wanted to hug me. I came to her and kissed her. 😂 Well and that was the end of our great friendship. She didnt want to talk to me for any longer.

A_Filthy_Mind · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably common ( l hope). I will occasionally feel around for my phone, getting annoyed to not find it, while reading reddit on it.

laughterholic126 · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was talking on the phone while unwrapping a Popsicle. Unwrapped and proceeded to drop my Popsicle into the bin instead of the wrapper. I am a retard -.-

fitnerd21 · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a first date to my place instead of the restaurant we had picked out. She lived near where I worked, restaurant was near where I lived.

I pulled into the driveway and it was only then that I realized what I had done. She was a little freaked out, but we both had a good laugh.

Thomsonvdv · 1 points · Posted at 06:40:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on the phone while i got some pringles and soda. I was preoccupied so i poured the soda into the pringles can.

ExtremeDreamMemeTeam · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally told a stranger "have a nice gay" in front of my friends as he left the elevator

MistyMcH · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once introduced myself to my new neighbors as Stacy.. thats my sisters name. Still have no clue why I said her name. Akward as hell reintroducing myself and explaining Im not an idiot.

plasticrat · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long day of work I have driven, completely on auto pilot to my home that I moved out of over 6 months previously.

Jlax1027 · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really baked in Highschool and came home super slow and paranoid to see if my parents were home. I checked the living room and kitchen so slowly and even yelled to see if they were there. I then looked outside of the window and realized I walked into the house and parking lot were their car was gone without even noticing and started bursting in laugher. My stomach hurt from laughing. One of my best baked moments by myself.

smurfsoldier07 · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my professor Mom when asking a question in class.

Thirsty_Comment88 · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working as a server at Applebees and the song she looks so perfect by 5 seconds of summer was on the radio all the time. Before entering the kitchen we would yell corner! so we wouldn't run into someone coming around the corner. Well the song was at the part you look so perfect standing there in my American underwear. This time I didn't yell corner, I yelled underwear! Everyone heard it. I got some weird looks.

A-man-named-Minc · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I had to wake up super early and I went to the kitchen to pour myself a bowl of honey nut cheerios. The box was nearly empty so I poured a slightly larger amount of cereal than usual just to finish off the box. I was kind of out of it and it was really dark. I reached into the fridge to grab a gallon of milk and poured it into my cereal. Turns out it was actually a gallon of orange juice. I didn't realized this until after I poured it into my cereal. Normally I would get angry and annoyed by my own stupidity after doing something like this but I was so tired that I just sat there emotionless staring at the bowl for a solid 30 seconds. I finally decided to just go for it and give it a taste. It was completely disgusting. I ate the whole thing. I can still clearly picture the taste over 2 years later, I shudder at the thought.

niknud · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in college, decided with my friend we were going to get bubble tea. We got into the car and I started driving. The bubble tea place was like a 2 minute drive outside of campus, no need to go on the highway. I ended up at wegmans, a supermarket which was about a 10 minute drive from campus, going on the highway and everything. Not only did I not notice, but the passenger didn’t sat anything until they saw the wegmans sign.

TLDR; I love a supermarket so much that I subconsciously drive there upon entering my car.

nq654893 · 1 points · Posted at 06:41:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today in the morning I actually tried to snooze my iPhone alarm saying “Okay Google” and got very frustrated why it didn’t work out.

MaelstromPsycho · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured hot water inside the instant coffee can instead of my mug

H3d0n1st · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up on my day off and drove all the way to work. Only realized my mistake when I pulled into an empty parking lot.

Another time I was taking an interstate road trip and missed an exit. Ended up driving an hour and a half in the wrong direction without realizing it. Didn't realize until I saw the "Welcome to Michigan" sign. I was not trying to be in Michigan that day.

maikastar99 · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just today I was in the supermarket. I heard a baby crying. Next thing I know I’m rocking my shopping trolley back and forth, and humming at it.

Utterly automatic, but my youngest child is 16.

mddailey2000 · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to borrow my dad's truck for a couple weeks and when I got my car back I was used to driving with the shifter where the windshield wipers usually go so for the first week I was back in my car I would pull down hard on the windshield wiper knob every time I wanted to put it in drive or reverse.

EForEveryone123 · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was getting dropped off at school by my friend's dad (she was in the car too). He said "I love you" to her when we got out the car. By instinct I said "I love yo-" before realizing that he was obviously talking to his daughter.

AttackinMcKraken · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a fire department and we sleep in bedrooms on the second floor. I got really used to sprinting down the steps (because of emergency calls) and taking a little hop off the final step to really give me a burst of speed. One day I did this routine with one minor exception: I took the little hop at the end one step higher than normal There so happens to be a support beam that is just low enough to inflict massive head trauma if you jump into it while at a full size.

That was 13 staples. Oh, and I was simply going downstairs to take a crap. Lol

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for my phone using the flashlight on my phone.

HaveZest · 1 points · Posted at 06:42:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a party and very tired. I was standing in a group of people I didn't know and one guy introduced himself, saying,

"Hi, I'm Dave."

To which I replied in some mindfog daze:

"Hi, I'm Dave."

Because I was so tired that what he said didn't even register and I was trying to process it, I guess.

I'm a girl so it's pretty unlikely that my name is Dave. The other people in the group accuse me of just copying what Dave said.

Of course now I feel stupid so I figure I'd better start trying to dig myself out of this hole. So I make up this whole story about how my name actually is Dave, short for Davina and soon enough, half the party knows me as Dave. I told my friends to just go with it and call me Dave for the night and I'd explain later. Never did see those partygoers again so the name never stuck.

meganpagegaming · 1 points · Posted at 06:43:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put deodorant on my lips thinking it was chapstick.

SerendipityHappens · 1 points · Posted at 06:43:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled the lea trap off my bathroom sink (curved pipe underneath the sink) to clear a clog. Got the worst of the gunk out, then proceeded to turn on the sink to rinse the rest of the goo out.

shootdrawwrite · 1 points · Posted at 06:43:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tales from my pro camera rental days.

Normally you bring out the equipment on reserve and put it on the shelf, then tape the printed order to the shelf in front of the item. Once I put the piece of paper on the shelf, then stared back and forth between the lens in one hand and the piece of tape in the other long enough for someone to notice.

Sometimes, at home, I would answer the phone with "Rental department?"

And once when I was sick, I asked my wife if we had any Tylenol "in stock".

Tartaras1 · 1 points · Posted at 06:43:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've got two stories, both equally mortifying.

  • Went and saw Bohemian Rhapsody with my parents, and before it started I ran to the bathroom. Came back and slipped into my seat so I didn't block anyone's view or anything. The lady to my right, who I thought was my mom, told me, "You know, my husband's coming back." Queue me apologizing profusely before getting up and moving down a couple seats to my actual seat. My mom hasn't told a soul.

  • On our way back from a Thanksgiving trip out of state, we stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. Now, I should say here that in my defense I had just woken up from a nap in the back seat. I got out and took care of business. Walking back to the car, I tried to get in the back, but the door was locked, so I knocked on the window. Doors unlock and I open the door, only to realize that it wasn't the car I rode in. Guy in the driver's seat looks at me confused as hell. So again, I apologize profusely before going to the car I did ride in, and then told my mom about that as well. Hasn't told a soul about that one, either.

actionassist · 1 points · Posted at 06:43:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anytime I hear somebody say something rude, I automatically say "rude" regardless of their situation/ if their rudeness is justified or not. It's just something automatic for me and so when I was in high school I heard a girl say "ugh, Marissa is just such a bitch" and I did my automatic "rude" and she turns around and says "excuse me?" And It turns out it was my crush. I was embarrassed.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher mum

statkwon · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
  1. Use the bathroom.
  2. Turn off the bathroom light and shut the door behind me.
  3. My wife shouts from inside to turn the light back on. (She was in the bathroom too and I totally knew it.)

We have done it multiple times to each other over the years, so we don’t get upset anymore.

Dukanov · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving to back to my apartment from a long days study session in the library when I stopped at a red light, looked both ways and drove through it.

Thankfully I wasn't pulled over

Spider0505 · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was listening to music off my computer, pretty loud and my headphones are noise blocking ones. Happened to go on my phone and looks at stuff for a bit, someone started to call my name so I start to press the down volume button on my phone, but I don’t hear the volume go down. I start to mash the button, super confused while looking at my phone and the person talking to me. Took a good 10-15 seconds before I remembered it was from the computer, I was dying inside afterwards

amytee252 · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning I wake up and make tea using loose tea. I've also recently starting getting into baking bread. One morning, I placed the sourdough starter and the mug for my tea on the kitchen counter next to each other.

As you can guess, I placed a spoonful of tea leaves into the sourdough starter.... that definitely woke me up when I felt slightly shocked that I had done that.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a mechanic and so I’m so used to putting the air line on the air chuck to fill up tire pressures, wasn’t paying attention and spent a good ten seconds trying to put the air line on the air pressure GUAGE rather than the air chuck lol. It was early in the morning too.

new_account_again · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can’t barley speak French and just got back from Paris and the custom official asked me if I had a good time after a red eye flight is I had a good time and I responded “oui” Took me a second to realize my mistake then corrected myself. He told me to get the hell out of here and get some sleep lol

Bondarn · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempted to ctrl+z when drawing on paper

Tatica1004 · 1 points · Posted at 06:44:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay so I worked in the restaurant industry for a while, I used to work for an ale house as my first industry job for four years. Well I moved and started working at a Chilis. Maybe like a good two months into working there, there was a birthday, mind you I’ve done a bunch of birthdays at chili’s at this point, but yettttttt I still at some point got the entire restaurants attention by yelling out “Attention Ale House!!!!!” Lol needless to say I think I made the entire restaurant laugh! I took a bow went to the kitchen walked out and had my take two, Chilis style.

ButtSexRollerCoaster · 1 points · Posted at 06:45:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sleeping me is always saying things and making promises actual me has no memory of.

My mom still brings up the one morning she tried waking me up for school and I open my eyes, looked right at her, said "Lexington" and went back to sleep.

Buckets-of-Gold · 1 points · Posted at 06:45:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Relaxing with my middle school girlfriend, casually putting arm around her shoulders. Lean over to kiss her neck/check/arm- end up craning myself over to kiss my own armpit.

Took about 5 second to register what just happened, she seemed a little stunned.

yassine-junior · 1 points · Posted at 06:45:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in Elementary school , we always had this tradition of calling teachers by " Teacher ...". So one day i was raising my finger to ask for something and instead of saying teacher started saying " Mom" . It was awkward af.

Daredevil113 · 1 points · Posted at 06:46:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was watching Tv and eating Doritos and I placed the remote in the bag without realizing it. I spent a good hour trying to find the thing because I didn’t think I was dumb enough to put it in there.

mem68 · 1 points · Posted at 06:46:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was navigating in Afghanistan and I accidentally pressed "direct to" the Iranian boarder instead of the exit point... Ooops. 8 years of flying and never unintentionally flew into Pakistan and never flown over Iran, that's better than some could say!

smurfsoldier07 · 1 points · Posted at 06:46:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came home and made a bowl of cereal and put the milk back in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge. My ex came back to the house and was like where tf is the milk and why is there cereal in the fridge???

dagelf · 1 points · Posted at 07:00:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

And why am I in this relationship 😂

smurfsoldier07 · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

:(. But I'm much happier without her so :)

greythounds · 1 points · Posted at 06:46:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my car by swiping my badge on the door handle instead of pressing the button on the handle

TheMissTreeVia · 1 points · Posted at 06:47:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My first time at a climbing/bouldering gym, when I made it to the top of the climb and decided I wanted to jump down onto the mats below, I took and deep breath, leapt off, and then kinda bent my legs in a bit and plugged my nose like I was jumping into a river. I hit the mat in a half cannonball curl with my nose still plugged. My partner thought it was pretty funny and I felt like a total retard. 😂

chocomilch · 1 points · Posted at 06:47:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving home.

Lyoko_warrior95 · 1 points · Posted at 06:47:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Enjoy your movie sir!”

“Thanks! You too!”.......

O_o

s00perguy · 1 points · Posted at 06:47:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally calling a women sir, then her blowing it out of proportion and yelling about it to everyone else in line. Never have I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out

nousernameusername · 1 points · Posted at 06:47:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a nice big ladle of soup onto a plate and spilled it everywhere in the staff canteen.

diemmzzie · 1 points · Posted at 06:47:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blowing at cold food to cool it down

gafallingstar · 1 points · Posted at 06:48:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my old house our woodstove was next the the laundry room. Basically you had to walk right past it in order to get to the washer and dryer. I was carrying a towel to put in the washer and put it in the woodstove instead. Must be something about towels because several times I've tried to put them in the fridge before. Putting it into the woodstove was a first and thankfully the last(we don't have a woodstove in our new house).

danzero1983 · 1 points · Posted at 06:49:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to fill my cup from the copier.

JamesPlaysBasses · 1 points · Posted at 06:49:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on my singing in the car a lot. A girl I was into and I were going out to eat, she got in the car with me(live nearby, college town) and as soon as I pulled onto the road just started singing a scale. Got an awkward look, but nothing too embarrassing.

EmmilyLWood · 1 points · Posted at 06:49:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a sahm.

More than a couple times I've been making a bottle and just failed.

I've dumped the formula in the sink. Got water but no formula. My bottles require inserts and I forgot to put one in once. Poured the formula in. Then the water. Was surprised when the water ran out all over...

dagelf · 1 points · Posted at 06:49:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm in front of a keyboard a lot. I once pressed alt-tab to try to get a colleague to leave my desk. I was even surprised for a moment that it didn't work and that my screen changed.

FortheredditLOLz · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often attempt to tap my work access card to get into apartment.....hasn’t worked a single time.

Mr-Driller · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work in a kitchen, when cooking a fish it goes flour, batter mix, fryer. Lately did flour, fryer. Didn’t look the best when I got it out of the fryer. I didn’t send it out.

jannes2002 · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thanked the atm once after it gave me my money. My friends won't let me hear the end of it.

muchvape2000 · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had two cars because I bought the new one before selling the old one. I was trying to unlock the old one (which was actually newer and had a newer square key) and it didn't respond to the buttons so I tried the key and it got stuck. Realized that I had stuck my new car keys into my old car..

ab5513 · 1 points · Posted at 06:50:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I destroyed a coffee table and side table while sleep walking

Dumpythewhale · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working (I work at a coffee shop) and the customer at the register said “oh I accidentally tipped $10 on the credit card thing.”

For some reason I replied “that’s okay,” and stared at her until she made a face of disgust and walked away. I clicked into gear and profusely apologized and told her I was really tired and just sort of on autopilot. Returned her tip. She still seemed annoyed.

sassymylassy118 · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For all of my childhood/teenage years I lived in a house with four dogs. Whenever we would cut up meat or veggies, we would throw little bits onto the floor for them. Fast forward to me living out of home for the first time - I'm talking to my roommate while slicing chicken. While looking her dead in the eyes chatting about uni, I threw a piece of raw chicken onto the chicken floor.

MostlyH20 · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a vet appointment after a very long, stressful day at work. Vet was a 45 minute drive under good circumstances. Rushed home, chucked the cat into the carrier, inserted contained cat into car, began frenzied drive to vet, and made it about halfway before the cat let out a thoughtful “Mrrow?”, at which point I noted I had the wrong damn cat.

In my defense, they are both brown and have four legs.

Yodaloid · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When reading school textbooks, I constantly go to type ctrl-f only to immediately remember that is impossible with physical items

CrapLand · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So many times I adjusted my long hair after I cut it short.

SmokeyHorizons · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 4.5 months pregnant a coworker of mine and I had the same car. Make, model, even color. Only differences were I had black stripes down the car, he did not. He had leather interior, I have black cloth One day I got off of work and was heading to my car. I noticed there was damage to the clear coat on the top of the car and since I had absentmindedly forgotten a cup of hot tea on the roof on the way to work that day, I started wondering how the heck did a little bit of tea cause so much damage in 8 hours. I was so in my own little bubble I failed to notice the car didn't have racing stripes. In fact, I didn't notice it wasn't my car till I sat down in the car and realized "wait why are my seats tan... And leather... Oh Shit!" I jumped out of his car, waddled to mine, and realized I didn't have my keys. I searched the parking lot for 20 minutes before I went back to the scene of my attempted grand theft auto, (about 10 feet away from my car) and my keys were still hanging from the lock of his driver side door... In my defense pregnancy brain is a real thing, and it's a hell of a bitch

tossout7878 · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My left hand flew into the CTRL-Z keyboard position after I backed my car into a pole in a parking lot.

Muscle memory.

The9thBitYT · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My car has the type of handles where there's no visible keyhole, and it unlocks when you grab the handle with the fob on your person. A few months after I first got this car, the key battery died. Luckily, there's a physical key hidden in the fob, and a removable part of the handle with a keyhole behind it.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I've gotten into the habit of doing this, but I finally get my battery replaced. I go the car, pull out my key, and start to fiddle with the handle. It unlocks for me. I then promptly pushed the lock button on the handle so that I could unlock it by hand.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:51:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Survived for 37 years.

0ni0ncuttingninja · 1 points · Posted at 06:52:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I used to install firmwares on phones. The first step is to reset the phone and check if it resolves the issue.

A customer walks in and hands me his phone and starts to describe his issue. By the time he is done, I have already reset his phone. I ask him to point the issue. He couldn't find it. He says it was right there a few minutes ago, a buggy folder which causes rebooting.

I was still on auto pilot.

NikandGale · 1 points · Posted at 06:52:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Doing a fried chicken order at work while talking to someone about how to do a fried chicken order. I was cracking the eggs and putting them in the bowl with milk. Crack, dump yolk in bowl, throw shell away. When I did crack, dump yolk in trash can, throw shell in bowl. He looked at me like I was insane and shortly after I realized what I had done.

yeeMcyeeface · 1 points · Posted at 06:52:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Long ago I had a getting ready for school routine starting every morning at 6. One night I got hungry and went down stairs and proceeded to get completely ready for school and even wake my mom up

All at 10 pm

pablocarlos · 1 points · Posted at 06:53:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went out with my girl and forget my wallet at home. what a shit!!!!

reIytnedrud · 1 points · Posted at 06:53:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lit a cigarette in a smokeless bar and had an intoxicated friend draw on the bartender before he could touch me.

TheSpiderLady88 · 1 points · Posted at 06:53:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Groped myself.

I work in an environment where I keep two pens in my left breast pocket and where I use those lens constantly. When not at work, I often appear to be groping myself when needing to sign something.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:53:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took my dirty socks and the dishes from my desk before going to sleep, to put them away. Carefully placed the dishes in my laundry basked and was about to throw the socks into the toilet before I snapped out of it. No clue what business I had with the toilet.

StragoMagus70 · 1 points · Posted at 06:53:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working drive through at McDonald's. Handed an older lady (reminded me of my grandma, which is probably why it happened) her order and said, "I love you." I froze for half a second as my eyes widened and just walked away

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:53:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to call my phone from my phone looking for my phone

VadertheHater · 1 points · Posted at 06:53:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when i was in highschool i would sort of beatbox to imitate a slight drum beat. Usually i only ever did it alone but one day i guess i was really focused on a test and start beatboxing under my breath but didnt notice i had begun get louder. It was only when i looked up for a moment and saw two girls looking at me with eyes that said "What the fuck is he doing?" all i could muster was a sorry and buried my face in my test.

xcamilleon · 1 points · Posted at 06:54:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Am a person from the tropical part of the world where day and night look different year round. My first winter was on my term abroad in Paris; around mid December I had a few days left and wanted to visit this restaurant for lunch, but between the weather and my erratic sleeping patterns, my body clock was messed up. A day before I went out for drinks with friends and when I drink I pass out drunk. Cue me waking up, seeing the clock say 5:00, dark outside and I'm like shit, I overslept. I try to clean up my apartment and take a bath, its 7:00 and still dark out by that time so I decide okay fuck it, wasted one of my last days here, let's see what's in that area anyway. I ride the bus down to the area, takes about 20ish minutes, restaurant is closed but the neighborhood fresh markets are still open. I'm checking out the cheeses and pasteis and run into a seller that speaks English. I tell him, good thing this market is open at night, the one on my block is only open til sometime after lunch. He tells me, no, same here, it's only open til after lunch. Its 8 in the morning just super dark. In all of my mindless post night out haze I forgot my phone clock is 24h not 12h. .... and got a whole day more instead of losing a whole day like I thought!

Nomad2k3 · 1 points · Posted at 06:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was shopping with my wife and 3 month old baby, as I'm walking around the aisles I'm gathering up groceries in one arm waiting for the wife to turn up with the shopping cart and rocking the baby with the other arm.

A moment later she rounds the corner pushing the baby in his push chair, and I realise I have been rocking the push cart for the last few minutes while holding groceries.

a-pizza · 1 points · Posted at 06:54:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hand soap on toothbrush :|

agonyofthefeet · 1 points · Posted at 06:54:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Flipping your wrist to check the time on your watch while holding a cup of coffee

willic4 · 1 points · Posted at 06:54:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a waterpark for a Summer five and a half years ago, and they wanted us to be polite when trying to enforce the rules. One time I was walking to my friends place and, when passing by the playground, aggressively yelled "WALK, PLEASE!" at a little boy running past me. Got a lot of angry looks from the mom bench and decided it was best to just walk away shamefully

SDCaliGuy · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Check freezer for something. Open fridge, grab something, then go put it back in freezer.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brain can't do multitasking at all so many times when I'm driving and talking with someone in my car, all roads are taking me home, either to my home or my girlfriend's. If I'm going to the mall and I'm talking to someone on the phone, I'll unconsciously steer to a road that's taking me home.

My girlfriend is used to always remind me multiple times where we're going, along the road.

assembledhate · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Girlfriend told a cashier to have a good day and I replied "You too!".

PartyInTheUSSRx · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have these doors you open by swiping key cards at work. Fast forward a year of working there and I find myself trying to swipe a regular door while my boss is stood behind me waiting

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Nan ate a spoon of wet doog food rather than mince meat which she was also preparing

shadyfreddy · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried scrolling down while reading an actual book.

stoic_lagomorph · 1 points · Posted at 06:55:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got up, showered, got dressed, took the train to work. It was a Sunday.

Karmasmatik · 1 points · Posted at 06:56:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my marriage proposal plans got rained out my backup plan was not very good and I tried to text my wife's best friend to ask for advice. I was in the middle of a busy day at work and was kinda on auto pilot and accidentally texted the girl I was about to propose to instead of her friend. All surprise ruined, so I popped the question while we were eating dinner at the pub that night.

m_autumnal · 1 points · Posted at 06:56:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on an ambulance. Once I just started driving home while in the rig lmao. I realized what I was doing and messaged dispatch bc I’m sure they were wondering where I was going lmao. They understood, was just a brain fart moment.

millennialma15 · 1 points · Posted at 06:56:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After my boyfriend made dinner, I found a half head of cauliflower in the pantry instead of the fridge.. I was super confused.

CribbD735 · 1 points · Posted at 06:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kept doing the sunset-flip powerbomb to the outside

Bluebearje · 1 points · Posted at 06:56:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work long term care as a cna. The autopilot that i do most most often is knock as i enter residents rooms. But i,ve done it walking into my own room,the nurses station,the activity room,the dining room. The other most common auto pilot is shouting resident care when i hear a knock.

Fuck-Fuck_Fuck-Fuck · 1 points · Posted at 06:56:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made a sandwich and then put a full container of mayo in the sink. My dad thought I was retarded.

Alingee · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXwfmmhaRWA&t=45s] [How to download and install PRO EVOLUTION SOCCER 2019 to android phones - YouTube] is good,have a look at it!

racingPenguin · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A colleague of mine at work stopped to google something mid conversation... Typed in pornhub rather than Google.

Best thing, he turned back to us before it had loaded so was totally unaware what he'd done as we lost it laughing.

g0db3rry · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was getting ready for work this morning when I couldn't find my glasses on the nightstand. Went back to the bathroom to see I was already wearing them from when I first woke up.

Brothersunset · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work a serving job where fridays I work until later and Saturday mornings I have to be in around noon. So normally I used to out and get some drinks and a cigsr or whatever after work, get home around 3 or 4am, go to sleep, wake up at 11, shower, get dressed, eat, and rush to work. Then i work all Saturday until late, except I normally end up going out after work for whatever leisure just because, and again ill get home at 3 or 4am. Sunday I work all day again from noon til late, so my morning schedule is the same; shower, clothes, food, dash. Then when i get out of work on Sunday, I just normally go home and relax from being worn out from the end of my work week and going out and i normally dont feel like doing anything so i just go home and pass out.

Well a few sundays ago, it was a party for whoever and I ended up going out to the bar and having a good time, and because I went out, I came home early AM, set my alarm clock for 11 as ritural, and passed out. I woke up to my alarm a little late, I was like "oh shit I'm going to be late for work" and rushed myself to get ready, i skipped eating, and practically flew to work, only to pull into the parking lot and going "man this place is fucking dead for a saturday" only to realize it was Monday morning.

I dont set alarms on sundays because I automatically end up waking up thinking I have work whenever an alarm goes off. Going out and drinking made my mind think it was a Friday/saturday, so going out on sunday ruined my whole cycle.

stargazer1996 · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Liked my finger tips as if to turn a page before reaching to frost a cupcake 🤷‍♀️

Worm_Whompurr · 1 points · Posted at 06:57:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two things:

  1. Used my car key fob to try to unlock the front door of my house.

  2. Cereal in the fridge; milk in the pantry

pantspanda · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pee'd into a bin at work. It was in the bathroom and I realised half way through.

NattyBumppo · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A while back, when I was a student, I was deep in thought about a thermodynamics lecture I'd watched online, and I accidentally walked into my neighbor's apartment instead of my own. (She lived one floor below me, her door looked exactly like mine, and it was unlocked.) I immediately noticed there was someone in there and apologized and closed the door. I felt like a huge creep, though, so later I went back and explained in full and apologized profusely. Still feel pretty bad about it...

bathtubaccidents · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was meeting new people at a dinner thing, expected my sister to introduce me like they always do, they didnt, brain was still expecting my sister to say something, so i ended up shaking the ladys hand while saying "Hello, this is bathtubaccidents."

TheyCallMeSwagmaster · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to randomly push my finger against the bridge of my nose as if pushing up my glasses, but when I’m not wearing them.

manuel18_ · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In college I had a very bad professor in a class. One day he told a joke and couldn't stop laughing about it the whole hour (It was a terrible joke). After class, I stumbled upon him while on an elevator. He said to me "Class was a bit messy today, wasn't it", I wasn't paying much attention and responded "Ya, no one is understanding shit...". We then stood silent and went separate ways after the elevaror opened.

JDYZL · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The teacher asked us to Google something and I opened up the calculator and was trying to figure out the what to do next when the girl next to me tapped me and said, "Uh, maybe you should try going to your browser"

EvilAfter8am · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ll take “crashed the plane” for $1000 Alex!

ssfake · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When someone asks me how’s it going and I reply with good morning.

A_Prostitute · 1 points · Posted at 06:58:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to a wedding where my fiance and I were good friends with the bride and groom.

I was tired from work, so when I shook the groom's hand I said "Nice to meet you! "

We stared at each other before I walked away, still on autopilot.

prettystandardreally · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to sit at my computer desk at home and thought ‘I need to pee soon’. Pulled down my pants and underwear, and sat on my desk chair. Luckily, I realized my brain malfunction before I pee’d.

Was genuinely concerned that was the beginning of my mental decline.

minty_teacup · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in college and classes were done for the day. Went out to the parking lot to find my car. There was a plastic bag with stuff in it sitting on the trunk of a car and two people near the car talking. Picked up the plastic bag and gave it to one of the people. Realized is wasn't my car that the bag was on and that it was further down. Realized this the second I gave the bag to this person

Hadto_makea_newname · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put it in neutral so I could save gas

Lockdoggs15 · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made a salad and instead of putting vinegar i put red wine instead.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I rolled a cigarette, put it in my mouth, pulled out my lighter and lit it taking a long drag. Before I finished the drag, someone near me said "What the fuck are you doing?" in a bemused tone. I quickly realised I was still sat in my college lecture. This was 2007 in the UK, not 60's or 70's America where I imagine that was a pretty normal thing to do.

Shitty_Google_Bot · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put toothpaste on my shaver and was just about to start coming my hair

GunguruZA · 1 points · Posted at 06:59:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would search for my glasses (i am near sighted -4.25) for about 5 minutes before i realize that i am currently wearing them

rlvv23 · 1 points · Posted at 07:00:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last week during finals I had to print some papers in the writing center and needed to borrow a stapler, the girl behind the counter said “Have a good day” and I said “me too”.

Ice_Or_Fire_No_Ire · 1 points · Posted at 07:00:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After being used to automatic hands wash faucets, I tend to keep my hands in front of manual faucets waiting for water to come only to realize I need to turn it on for water. Grrrr....

salo8989 · 1 points · Posted at 07:00:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Identical apartment buildings. Walked three stories up and the door was normally unlocked by a roommate at that time. Walked in, grabbed a beer from the fridge (they had the same beer in the same spot). Took a sip and turned around to the kitchen island that looked into the living room to start bitching about something that happened that day to see three girls in shock, speechless.

I said “hi, I’m Salo, where’s roommate?”

As I said that I realized all the live love laugh stuff and that I was in a girls apartment. Not mine.

“Oh boy, this isn’t my apartment. I’m so sorry.”

Walked out with the beer and closed the door. Cracked it open to ask if I could keep the beer but I just scared the shit out of the girl trying to lock the door.

Apologized again and left.

Soooo awkward. I left a note the next day apologizing again, with cash for a six pack.

Imgonnadoithistime · 1 points · Posted at 07:00:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a server, if we walk around a corner and there might be a chance that we may crash against another server that is carrying plates, we yell (very loudly) “Corner!” So they know you’re about to turn.

One day, I’m casually shopping at Walmart, and I’m about to turn aisle, so I yell, very loudly, “Corner” at this man on the other side.

I felt my face melt a thousand degrees.

RealisticGenius · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

waited at a stop sign for a green light

oohbehave999 · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for my phone for around 15 minutes only to find it already in my hand

sdwa · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pressed numbers of my phone's password into the microwave

Kwykr · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a fast food joint called Jack in the Box. After a 14 hour shift I was leaving to go to my car and my stepmom called my phone. Instinctively I picked up and said "Jack in the Box how can we help you?"

She laughed at me for a solid 30 seconds before she pulled herself together and told me to get milk on my way home.

memememays · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put toothpaste in my hair.

BlazzGuy · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my teens I had gotten into a habit of saying goodbye with 'Have fun, don't die!'

My step-grandfather was having heart surgery. Leaving the bed while he was in hospital, I said it. My parents didn't mention their shocked 'Do you realise what you just said?' until we got to the lift.

Thankfully he lived! He's still going fifteen years later at 88 years old!

bealsy1006 · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work customer service in a bank. I answered and ended every phone call the same. My mom, without fail would call me every day on my way home and every day without fail, I'd end our phone calls as if I was ending a call from work.

KMK7110 · 1 points · Posted at 07:01:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked for the telephone company and would precall and when it would go to voicemail I had something pretty well memorized after having been doing it for years.

Something to the effect of hey this is kmk7110 and ive got a repair for your address at 123 xyz st and ill be there in about 15 minutes.

Went to make a phone call for something else on my personal phone and got a voicemail and just blatantly left a voicemail like tbat and didnt realise until I noticed I didnt have an address or a work ticket to go to and I was sitting in my car.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:02:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few months ago, I was working with three days of 2-hour sleep, and I have a job of palletizing french toast on a skid and writing down the time each one is completed. So anyways, when I work tired I start audibly hallucinating really hard and I hear a bunch of made-up dialogue like I'm having a dream. So I'm hearing a bunch of voices in my head while my eyes are barely open, so I go over and write "Libard" in perfectly normal, non-slurred written English on the time sheet. Libard. My supervisor walks over and asks what the hell "Libard" is and I didn't know what to tell him. He told me to write my stupid fantasies somewhere else and he got the White-Out to fix it. To this day I have no idea why my subconscious floated Libard to my own two hands to write.

shining-on · 1 points · Posted at 07:02:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The dorms at my school use ID cards in lieu of keys for dorm access.

One day I held up an orange to the ID scanner instead. It did not work.

gijen3 · 1 points · Posted at 07:02:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating that free popcorn you get at Home Depot sometimes on weekends, suddenly a piece wouldn't chew right, tasted weird, finally spit it out to inspect it...realized it was the small chunk of wall we were bringing in for a paint match. My husband asked where it was and I had to tell him I tried to eat it. We had to go cut off another chunk of wall.

Woooshed_boi · 1 points · Posted at 07:02:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

About two seconds away from destroying my hand and a hotel cup in Hawaii. I was about to go to bed, and I wanted a glass of milk. The hotel had cups supplied in their cabinets, and I opened the cabinet and got a cup. The hotel was like an open-air one where people always leave their door open, and so bugs sometimes come in and hop in the shower or climb on the walls. So I grabbed my cup, and then looked at the shelf in the cabinet and saw a tiny little bug like the size of my thumbnail just crawling on the edge of the shelf. Out of pure instinct I raised the cup over my head and was about to bring it down until my brain was like, "WTF man, that's not how you do it." Then I looked up at the cup and just slowly set it down on the counter and poured myself some milk.

jwfowler2 · 1 points · Posted at 07:03:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to a football game. Walked into stadium. Watched football game (3.5 hours). Exited stadium and walked to car. Car still running.

Apparently I was very excited to see this football game.

ASCIt · 1 points · Posted at 07:03:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once had a entire conversation with someone while reading a book without Henning any idea what either of us said. At some point she asked a question that actually caught my attention, and I realized I couldn't answer and had to apologize...

lilkajj · 1 points · Posted at 07:03:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work retail - I asked my dog if she wanted the receipt in the bag when I was telling her to get under the blanket.

JDYZL · 1 points · Posted at 07:03:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once returned home to discover that I had left my bowl in the fridge, the cereal in the sink, and the milk in the cabinet that morning

norememberpassword · 1 points · Posted at 07:03:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Say I love you to the Verizon guy.. just habit to say love u to fam after convo

Galeosray · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read through the comments on Reddit enough that when I’m tired and I’m finished reading a title on the front page, I try to click the title area to collapse the title and brief summary instead of just scrolling down.

TheTallBaldOne · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Zooming in on a picture using my forefinger and thumb. On a physical newspaper.

laurenaokay · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to scroll my text books nearly every day.

LuxEsper · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put cereal in a drinking glass.

FromageOmage · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother-in-law went to walk his dog and on the way out he thought he would take his trash to the curb. He ended up walking all over the neighborhood dragging the trash can.

sandra_nz · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always check I've got my keys before I leave work for the day. We 'hot desk' so we have to compeltely clear our desks each night. I did that, checked for keys, then pointed my keys at my desk and 'locked' it.

Yep. No one was gonna steal that desk that evening.

davevasquez · 1 points · Posted at 07:04:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took some juice out of the fridge. Turned around. Opened the cupboard, took out a glass. Poured the juice. Then put the juice back…in the cupboard.

I didn’t realize my mistake until I opened the cupboard the next day and saw the juice. 🤦🏻‍♂️

KnittyViki · 1 points · Posted at 07:05:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiting for the 'threw sandwich, bit rock' guy....

This might be gross. I pop my husband pimples. I was chatting with a not super close friend of mine and just automatically reached over and -squidge- popped the zit on his jaw...

Both of us were really confused but my husband laughing his ass off across the room at me made it into a funny situation

We now joke around about being such close friends we pop each other's zits

pizzasausages · 1 points · Posted at 07:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I catch myself blowing on cold things to cool them as one would do with hot coffee, it makes me laugh and think how strangely our brains are wired.

floordit · 1 points · Posted at 07:05:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was right after sending my boyfriends kid to the baby sitters. I went to work and did my usual thing. My coworker told me "i gotta go real quick".

Without thinking, i said "YOu GotTa gO POtTy?? Like he was a 2 year old boy... He froze and looked at me like i was mental.

My boyfriend and i were in the process of potty training his kid and the over excited voice i use to make potty time sound like fun was stuck in my head.

RickHadANubianGoat · 1 points · Posted at 07:05:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I frequently blow on my ice cream to cool it down.

Asiulek · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making an instant ramen and a coffee. I put grinded coffee beans into the bowl with noodles and powder.

ismisespaniel · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "Thanks" or "Thank you" instead of "you're welcome" when I've given somebody something.

On the phone, saying "see ya later" to random call centre people.

stillnonamesleft · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called a teacher "mum"

stehr98 · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lttp but I was once shopping with my family and we where waiting in line while the guy in front of me was handing the money to the cashier. I was so deep in thoughts that I just looked at the cash and thought, wow this is so nice designed and just took it right as the guy laid it down on the counter and played with it.

Believe me I cought some stares.

doggedhaddock2 · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Typed my pin number into the microwave at work.

Derezzler · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up in the middle of the night and wanted milk. Poured a glass, drank then washed it. Put the cup in the fridge and the milk in the cabinet

Ehthatsokay · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Orange juice into a cereal bowl

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was walking to my car in a parking lot, pulled out my keys and walked up to the wrong car. Stood there for a few seconds while my brain processed the situation. I had been just staring at the keys in my hand up until this point, look up and lock eyes with the owner of the vehicle. I was one car over.

caughtinmywave · 1 points · Posted at 07:06:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbing a coffee for a guest at the bar with a paper cup and a sleeve. Didn't realize until my shoes were soaked with hot liquid that I forgot to put the cup into the sleeve.

liquidus08 · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used my phone’s flashlight to search for my phone.

signine · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I was on the debate team. We frequently would have to meet the bus at school at 4-6am i’m saturday depending on how far away the tournament was.

One winter Friday I took a surprise nap after school, and woke up with my alarm clock with a glowing a 4:30 at me. I jumped out of bed, took a shower, put on my suit, did my hair, walked into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and my mom was standing there making dinner.

She thanked me for dressing properly for the dinner table.

WickedRaccoon · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had to go piss during the night, so I got up, walked past the bathroom, down the stairs, through the living room, down the hallway, opened the back door and just stood outside in my underpants in the freezing wind at 5 am

calvincondorus · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I used to wait tables I would sometimes say "corner" while turning corners, in my car, by myself

DeliciouslyThick · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a restaurant and when entering the kitchen you announce "Coming In!" Sometimes when coming in my house from a double shift really late at night I will instinctively shout "Coming in!" It gives my husband a nice chuckle.

trilllilly · 1 points · Posted at 07:07:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In line at the movies on a first date. Lady behind me asks, “can you hold my purse?” At which point I turn around and just reach for it. She was a complete stranger. Scarred me for life.

ktamkivimsh · 1 points · Posted at 07:08:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to pay for my wallet using a sandwich.

aaanon5402 · 1 points · Posted at 07:08:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve called my boyfriend of 5 months “my husband” or I’ve called myself “his wife” ONLY EVER TO HIM but I think that makes it worse. How do you accidentally call yourself someone’s wife you ask??

Daydream about it. A lot. A. Lot. .......a lot

Jeentz · 1 points · Posted at 07:08:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I go to the butcher, I always ask for bones for the dogs. So, one day, my mother in law asked me to go to the fish shop. I went in there, ordered what she wanted and ended with "oh, do you have any bones for dogs?" He looked at me like I was a complete idiot. "Uhm..? What do you mean?" "You know.. bones.. for dogs" It took me way too long to realise wtf I was asking.. "Uhm.. we only have fish bones, and that is kinda bad for dogs to eat" I just smiled and left the shop and hope I'll never return.

Jigglebox · 1 points · Posted at 07:08:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a server now but was a manager awhile ago... As I was doing my nightly walk through checking to make sure all the tables were clean, I bumped into a chair and apologized to it and then said "pardon me" as I gently put my hand on the back of the chair and slid by it...

brocaxe · 1 points · Posted at 07:08:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried unlocking the door to my house by clicking the unlock button on my car keys. It took 3-4 clicks for me to realize what i was doing. I was pulling an all nighter for an exam the day before so i was basically running on fumes when i got home.

FUWS · 1 points · Posted at 07:08:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Before car keys were fobs and you didn’t have auto start; leaving key in the ignition. Extra embarrassing if the car is still on...

spids69 · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Life.

blahmaster6000 · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just tonight, making rice while nursing a massive headache, when the water boiled instead of turning the burner down I instead put the lid on the rice as normal and then turned a second burner on low. Found burned rice 20 minutes later.

TheJonMackAttack · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We found the Canadian, pack it up boys.

i_am_pro · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going to college, got on wrong bus and went other way. Didn’t realise for 20 min.

Shad0wFa1c0n · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was running up the stairs once and my washing machine and dryer are upstairs, passed a blanket on the floor and my brain registers "Cool when did we get a lion?" Had to do a double take.

_Anadrius_ · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling my boss "mommy".

Sink into the floor

TessTickols · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had two in one week: 1. Stopped at a toll booth. While paying, the car started rolling, and I desperately tried to hold on for dear life with my hands in the toll booth window.. 2. A friend forgot his phone at my place. Drove it to his place, pulled out a phone to call him, realized it was his phone, put it aside and went on to find my own and call his number...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got behind a mannequin that was near the end of a retail counter lineup. Did not realize the actual lineup was moving as the mannequin stayed where it was, obviously. Stood there a good while before looking up to see why the line didn't seem to be moving and it was just me waiting patiently behind an inanimate object and then a 15ft void and then the cashier.

crastalli · 1 points · Posted at 07:11:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making stock from left-over Thanksgiving turkey one time. I left it simmering in a big pot with veggies for a couple of hours and it smelled amazing. It was going to be my stock for a few weeks.

When I was done, I put a strainer in the sink, and proceeded to pour the contents of the entire pot into the sink, leaving behind only the Turkey carcass and the soggy veggies.

On the bright side my sink smelled delicious for a while.

__WellWellWell__ · 1 points · Posted at 07:11:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wear headphones and listen to music while working. One day I was pretty gassy and because I couldn't really hear anything but my music I let a fart go. It only took a millisecond until I realized what I'd done. There was nowhere to run, no excuse or playing it off, it was me and everyone knew it. I had to sit there and die inside until I went home.

nitescythe · 1 points · Posted at 07:11:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A month or so ago while I was rinsing with mouthwash, my mind wandered to thoughts of people drinking copious amounts of water in an instant. I thought it was interesting how they were just able to open their esophagus like that. While that thought crossed my mind I found myself looking at the ceiling, opening my throat up and letting the mouthwash fall into my stomach. I haven’t been able to do it again, nor has my stomach felt the same.

jeffb007 · 1 points · Posted at 07:11:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I recently moved and on my new commute there is a crazy shaped roundabout. The first half is exactly like a normal one though, so my brain feels the need to indicate that I'm leaving it.

Probably confusing a lot of people behind me.

Chunkyman48 · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hand in my crotch cupping my balls. I do it in front of my daughter's friends all the time

Ryaven · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I draw blood for a living

I went grocery shopping late one night well when the cashier reached out for the cash I took her arm with one and palpitated her arm with the other hand.

maximiller1 · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Too keep it short, after a long tiring hot day at work, I took the empty glass on a table, flipped it upside down and proceeded to pour water on the back end of the glass.

My dehydrated tired brain decided to keep pouring, and ask outloud, 'why is the water flowing sideways?'

In a meeting between the senior management team of course...

ktamkivimsh · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wrote on the board with a banana and took a bite of the chalk.

DHiltz · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day I was sitting at a table with my boyfriend and a mutual friend of ours. We were all talking, and for whatever reason I decided to pick up my boyfriend's phone and hand it to our friend. They both looked at me like 'WTF' and I honest to God didn't even realized I had done it.

FabulousFauxFox · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a slice of pizza on a plate and microwaved it. Then took it out and put it back in the cupboard. With my pizza still on it. I figured I made the whole thing up and went to get a plate down and found my slice waiting for me.

AnOrneryOrca · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started the car and began driving while the gas was still pumping. Immediately panicked, turned car off, and got the nozzle out. No damage to anything, no explosion, but I was terrified for a minute

LucBlack747 · 1 points · Posted at 07:12:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a teacher that I love her. "Bye, love you!" Teacher (awkwardly): "umm, love you too"

homosapiensapienzz · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Thank you daddy" said it to the boy (12M) playing my (12F) boyfriend in the school play, who was also my first crush.

ElysianTheWise · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had bacon in a pan on one burner and my phone propped up on the one behind it while listening to a podcast. Turn the burner on and tend to my toast. Turn back around to see my phone on fire and raw bacon in the pan.

FetchingTheSwagni · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally beat my dick so god damn hard that my entire leg went numb.

Maxpre · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My younger sister had some issues at her school, I went to the school exchanged some harsh words with the principal before he made me realized that I was in her former school.

catindahat1 · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving somewhere and suddenly realizing you have no idea how you got there. Like you got to your destination but you seriously don’t remember it and suddenly reached your destination. Scary thoughts on a drive home work while tired.

RobBrom · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured cereal into a glass

StalinistBandit · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw the cup into the trash bin and put the tea bag in the dishwasher...

BobaTheFett10 · 1 points · Posted at 07:13:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to grab my chicken nuggets out of the microwave and I went to the fridge first, opened it and grabbed the milk before realizing my mistake.

TwistedGigolo · 1 points · Posted at 07:14:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drinking a glass of milk, looked at a can of Coke on the counter and for some reason expected a coke taste. Horrified when I got a taste of milk instead of sweet soda.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:14:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said thank you to an ATM while withdrawing money. This was Christmas last year and a line of people were waiting behind me.

speedx10 · 1 points · Posted at 07:14:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

started putting keys into my old apartment door that is 2hrs away from where i live now .

1f3lse · 1 points · Posted at 07:14:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Internet Explorer is superior

FlysaMinelly · 1 points · Posted at 07:14:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a green light

disregard-this-post · 1 points · Posted at 07:14:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pocketed someone’s lighter and was immediately called out.

CodyLittle · 1 points · Posted at 07:14:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm not a morning person. I used to drive from San Diego to Camp Pendleton every day for work, but once I switched Duty stations to Balboa Hospital there were a few mornings where I would wake up early and start driving to Pendleton before realizing that I definitely don't work there anymore.

amazinghadenMM · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“What have you been up to?” “Good and you?”

LavenderandSteel · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I teach high schoolers and do not allow them to swear in the classroom. I’ve definitely pulled a Captain America with my friends and said “language” when they swear even if I have just sworn around them.

ratratratboiii · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as the scale operator at a company that sells frac sand to oil drilling companies, requiring me to use a 2-way radio all day. In the mornings I, more frequently than I care to admit, will grab my vape, hold the fire button down, and call out orders and numbers to my crew and awaitawaita response. Only to realize that I just burned the coil to my vape, delayed my crew, and ruined the 11.5 hours left on my shift.

Paptreek · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really good post, OP! And great comments everyone. Spent a good hour or two laughing at these.

Maxpre · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dumped my cigarette ash in my cup of tea.

river_rage · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was taking out the trash on my way to my car in the driveway. As I was approaching the trash can, I pressed the unlock button on the car key remote... to open the lid of the trash can?!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've always worked in hospo. I took a coffee to a table one day and instead of saying "are you waiting on anything else?" I said "would you like your receipt?"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dad was holding his hand out for me to hand him something and I shook it.

Tellin_It_ · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When walking, I've been known to stop at a street corner to wait for the light to change, only to realize after a minute that there is no light.

Athletic_Seafood · 1 points · Posted at 07:15:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my phone in the fridge and forgot I did it. Cue me running around the house frantically looking for my phone later because I was late for school

Noobboy191 · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started working at a movie theatre part time after previously working for a pizza hut. Everytime I answer the phone I open with the question, "will this be for pickup or delivery"

I feel so stupid every single time...

Tink_650 · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was no thanks. I was in London.

Furion9 · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting at my PC and grabbing ANY nearby object thinking it's a mouse (wallet, music player, hard drive, etc)

Buddhabuttacup · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to an urgent care feeling completely out of it with the flu. When I was ready to leave the doctor stepped out of the room talking to me, extended her arm, and I went in for a full hug. Doctor then said, “oh! I was showing you the exit door” she told me she appreciated the hug though, then I heard a couple AWEs from the staff standing by, I walked out completely embarrassed. That also happened to me with my boyfriends sister once a few months later. I guess I just really like hugs.

ninetales0317 · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent most of my time around my dog and sometimes you have clap your hands or snap your fingers to get their attention and throw a "hey!" In there occasionally.

I did this to person I had started dating to get their attention, and they were not impressed. I just busted up laughing realizing what I had done.

Crunch_Captain465 · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If you replace the end of the title with "....while high on cannabis" it works just as well, if not better for the comments.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:16:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Slam dunked the can of black pepper into the trash can.

Tink_650 · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was no thanks. I was in London.

138151337 · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a huge Morrowind fan and a vegan. When I read ingredients lists (which I do often), I just skim it and let my subconscious catch the things that I don't eat, reading a second time more consciously if I don't catch anything on the first pass.

Once maybe a decade ago at this point, I was reading the ingredients to a box of something and I saw "guar gum" listed, so naturally my brain told me "Guar is an animal. Don't eat this". As I was putting the box back, I realized Guars were not real animals.

lethe-and-nepenthe · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Give the person waiting for their order to arrive the change from the person who just ordered after them.

Super confusing and happens far too often

Also

I’m the kind of guy that autopilot-sings inane stuff going on, Thought “doo doo doo”-ing along with the theme music to a Netflix and chill date was embarrassing enough, Nothing can bring you back from sitting with your work mates after your manager casually mentions his father is past away For you to zone out and repeat the defining sentence “my dads dead” over and over through the medium of song

YoungAfghan · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My longest job was at CVS pharmacy working as a pharmacy technician for 7 years. The phones rang constantly all day long. ~60 phone answers a day, and always with the same prompt, “CVS pharmacy, how can I help you?”

I work at a Martial Arts/MMA gym now and one day, in a zombie state of mind, I answered the phone and said, “CVS Pharmacy, how can I help you?”

We were both quiet for a good few seconds and I just hung up to save myself the embarrassment

Johusi · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating icecream with friends and blew on it before taking a bite. That has happened more times than I'd like to admit, and always when somebody is looking...

AllieJayne · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today at work I served a customer and the total was $30.65. She was a small Italian grandmother and gave me $35 in notes, but then gave me the $0.65. It didn’t click I could just give her the $5 to make exact change so I opened the draw and gave her another $5 note. I didn’t realise until the customer waiting was laughing and told me.

the_tourer · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wanted to buy some groceries, I had to take an exit on my way to work to reach the grocery shop, forgot, went to work, surprised as to why nobody was there. It was a weekend.

evstokes96 · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spit on the bathroom floor as I was turning to put my toothpaste tube away. I guess I figured I was at the sink? Idk I was halfway between sink and cupboard and it was so funny to me.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:17:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Replying “yeah good thanks” even though they never asked me how I was after I asked. I’m not rude, I’m just dumb!

Ady2Ady · 1 points · Posted at 07:18:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to drawing lessons at 7 am after a night out.....Got to the other side of the city at my (now ex) girlfriend's place and only then realized i was supposed to go somewhere else.

PolygonGraphics · 1 points · Posted at 07:18:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was standing next to a second grader at the crockery return in the cafeteria of my school. Cue me throwing away my spoon and putting my empty yogurt container on a tray. Of course, if that wouldn't be embarrassing enough, the kid I was standing next to promptly asked me why I threw away my spoon.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:18:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I filled my cereal bowl with water (ironically I had a dream about a lake the night before)

kat-macd · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school, I didn't feel well after taking a test so went to go lay down in the counselor's office. My friends came to find me at lunch and we were all talking/laughing and for some reason I was texting the guy even though he was right next to me. My brain somehow confuses the in person conversation with the text conversation and instead of sending him a message calling him a name (we were teasing each other), I sent him "You are the awesome".

That was ten years ago and it's almost still as embarassing now as it was when he read it outloud to our other friend.

dontask17 · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was preparing to make an omelette & had eggs and a mixing bowl out on the counter. Opened the drawer to the trash bin and proceeded to crack the egg yolk into the trash

riskyybiscuits · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “goodbye I love you” to a mailbox when I dropped something off money for concert tickets in my friends mailbox

VastoGamer · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A long time ago, I was talking to my brother while brushing my teeth. I was facing away from the sink, looking at him as we spoke. I then proceeded to spit out the toothpaste. Right onto the floor.

This still comes up in many family dinners.

cubbie_blue · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I work from home and wife works normal office job. While alone sometimes I mimick memes while on Reddit for the giggles. I stood up and did the mocking SpongeBob meme to my cat, and then realized it was Saturday and my wife was sitting there staring at me like wtf is happening.

Several work from quirks have happened actually.

chimeratx · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always rub my feet on any doormat I step on whenever I enter anywhere. More than once I've rubbed my feet on it... on the way out.

ahsanzee · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid, I was extremly ticklish, a fact that my friends and family routinely exploited. So now whenever someone abruptly approaches me for a hug or sometimes even to give or take something, I reflexively jump /flinch. Since my wife is that someone must of the time, she says in public it makes me looks like an abused pet.

RoadRunner49 · 1 points · Posted at 07:19:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just today I took a wrong turn going to the mosque, because of damn autopilot recognizing the way as the same way to somewhere else I go.

rem_senpai · 1 points · Posted at 07:20:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I winked at him... ugh

marsasagirl · 1 points · Posted at 07:20:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do samples at my job and I’m so used to people asking me what I’m making that when a coworker asked me how I was I just instinctively relied, “potatoes!!!” The confusion on his face was priceless.

melebula · 1 points · Posted at 07:20:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to get milk to go with my PB&J sandwich and then ignored the cup and poured it on the sandwich.

Hmluker · 1 points · Posted at 07:21:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve poured coffee into my smoothie more times than I remember.

Fireryman · 1 points · Posted at 07:21:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured my water in my cereal and milk in the glass. Had cereal and water. Didnt want to waste the cereal. Milk is definitely better

squillesque · 1 points · Posted at 07:21:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once stuck my ear up to an orange juice container to check if it was empty or not.... I didnt shake it or notice the weight.

Bruhriam · 1 points · Posted at 07:21:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I go into incognito mode I instantly start typing a particular website. I’ve done this many of times and have been caught twice luckily not at work.

DonDil · 1 points · Posted at 07:21:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my male friend Adam Kate completely out of nowhere.

hardhatgirl · 1 points · Posted at 07:21:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While running an errand with my brother in law I excitedly said "look at that truck, it's got a swan neck trailer!" I had been a stay at home mom for three years and my son loved trucks. Yeah, not enough adult conversation in those years. The struggle is real.

DennyHavoc · 1 points · Posted at 07:22:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

TLDR Pulled onto a weigh stations scale in a coupe.

I was halfway through a 16 hour drive to the west side of Tennessee at night and was very tired. Trying to keep my mind occupied I got to thinking about truck drivers and what their jobs and lives must be like.

I was so deep in thought that I actually pulled off the highway into a weigh station and onto the scale. I only realized what I had done when I had to come to a stop cause the light was red. Thought "Wait why is there a light here...". Looked to my right saw the tower and I was so confused that I decided to turn the cabin light and just shrugged hoping they'd understand that I was just a very stupid, tired man. They turned the light green so I just left. I hope those guys got a good chuckle out of that.

Gen242 · 1 points · Posted at 07:22:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put milk instead of hot water in instant noodles.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:22:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used the torch function on my phone to look under the bed for my phone...

TangoGV · 1 points · Posted at 07:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know what I did, but the amount of times I found the tv's remote in the refrigerator is concerning...

reysolitude · 1 points · Posted at 07:23:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to a class without my bag, notes, or even a pen. On the way I had my headphones on, but left my phone at home.

EdenH333 · 1 points · Posted at 07:23:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apologized to a parked car for bumping into it.

SpaceTrashTheory · 1 points · Posted at 07:23:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pretty sure I picked my nose and flicked it from of coworkers one day.

hungryColumbite · 1 points · Posted at 07:24:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was reaching for my cell phone while talking to two coworkers.

Instead I pulled a spare magazine off my belt.

greengoblin69 · 1 points · Posted at 07:24:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flew my airplane

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:24:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed something out of the fridge while holding my car keys and then pressing the lock button after closing the fridge door

ikke4live · 1 points · Posted at 07:24:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to go to work a few hour early, went to make some cornflakes, grabbed a bowl and a glass for some OJ. Proceded to fill my glass with conrflakes... i hadent had much sleep that night

TheChineseImposition · 1 points · Posted at 07:24:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Letting out a loud fart at the office then realised I'm actually at work and everyone was staring :(

JkGamer248 · 1 points · Posted at 07:25:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did something somewhat idiotic at work yesterday. I just started this job in the Deli of a local chain of gas stations. Some hot dogs that were in the oven finished, and I opened the door and set the tray out on a counter to cool a little.

I picked up the tray after a minute or so with my right hand, which had an oven mitt on. I then proceed to hold the bottom of the tray with my left hand for support, which had no oven mitt on. About a half second of holding it I pulled my hand away and yelled out "OW" because my fingers began to burn. I really felt like an idiot after doing that.

Fortunately I was still holding the tray with my right hand.

sgreen1499 · 1 points · Posted at 07:25:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the cabinet after pouring it in my cereal.

ixxing · 1 points · Posted at 07:25:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been waiting for a thread like this to share this dumb story.

Explanation of a habit for context: when I'm thirsty and don't feel like getting a cup, I'll spoon water directly from the faucet to my mouth. One morning, I'm exhausted and have a headache, so I go to get some ibuprofen. Me, exhausted and realizing I need water to swallow pills, thought "I'll just do what I normally do when I need water" and stuck the hand holding the ibuprofen directly under the faucet. The funniest thing is, at the time, part of my brain knew exactly what I was doing and figured I could just streamline the process. Spoiler alert: it didn't work. But it made me laugh at the time, and still gets a chuckle out of me when I take any meds.

BatteredRose92 · 1 points · Posted at 07:25:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work with a place named after a big dangerous sea fish with teeth. I accidentally answered the phone sharts on (street name)

krwaylt · 1 points · Posted at 07:25:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was at a buffalo wild wings and I heard a sneeze so instinctually I said bless you. My friends turned and looked at me saying “did you just say bless you to the tv?” Turns out it was a cold/flu ad on one of the fifty million tvs that i heard. They thought it was funny

soundlesspanik · 1 points · Posted at 07:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working the line at a pizza place, things got slightly busy, and so I zoned out. Now, normally after an actual rush I bring our over-filled tub of dishes to the wash area... Except this time it was still empty... for whatever reason I walked over to the washroom anyway with absolutely nothing in hand and stared at the ceiling until a concerned coworker grabbed my attention

AccentuateTheFupa · 1 points · Posted at 07:26:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw too much sugar in my tea and stupidly tried throwing it back in.

bretdabaker · 1 points · Posted at 07:26:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw socks into the toilet. I still do once in a while.

Edit: forgot to mention, my laundry basket is next to the toilet.

AlarmmClock · 1 points · Posted at 07:26:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my cat in the fridge

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:26:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Counting “1, 2, 3” when taking pictures of inanimate objects.

kleptophobiac · 1 points · Posted at 07:26:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Knott's Berry Farm. One of the employee parking lots was on Beach Boulevard. One night, I got off work very late, and it was quite foggy. I made the turn west off of Beach, never even saw the light at Western Avenue, and did not realize that I had driven right through Western until I got to Knott Avenue.

ZubiZone · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a phone call while I was at work so I reached for the phone, threw it in the trash can, picked up my solo cup and brought it to my ear. All the soda and ice went flying behind me. I work for the government and this is exactly how we operate.

lonewolf2_4 · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going home from long day at school, tapped by public transport card on the doorknob of my house. Took me a minute to realise why that wasnt working

zombiekatze · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were on a class trip packing our sweets into a drawer when a cookie fell on the dirty carpet. Instantly picked it up and ate it in one bite, so quickly that part of the group didn't understood why they were laughing. I guess i was hungry...

GeekSpasm · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Work at a movie theatre: Put butter in a nacho tray.

AVeryMadLad · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In grades 1-9 I took most of my classes in French, however when I went into highschool (10th grade) I switched to public. I was in general science doing a lab where we were looking at cells through a microscope and describing them. I leaned in and took a good look at the cell, before beginning to describe it in detail. I looked up from the microscope to see all three of my lab partners staring at me in utter confusion.

...I had switched to French halfway through.

pupperfritz · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What a question

da_boy-roy · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So when I was 16 my grandpa used to pick me up everyday after school. He drove a uniquely colored truck so he wasn’t hard to find in the parking lot. One day I got out of school and saw his truck so I did as I usually did and climbed in the back seat. However, the back seat was covered with box’s so without thinking I said “damn papal what’s up with the mess back here” then I looked up and realized my grandpa wasn’t the man staring at me... I immediately started trying to apologize but the guy just laughed and told me those were his case files because he was a cop...

TL;DR: got into the wrong truck and insulted the driver who was a cop

GirlWithTheToeThumbs · 1 points · Posted at 07:28:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When a waiter/cashier gives me my food while saying "here's your order. Enjoy." I invariably respond with "Thanks. You too."

eszd · 1 points · Posted at 07:28:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Run to hug someone I barely knew. I think that in my sleepy mind I thought he was someone else...

Flipflopjohnny · 1 points · Posted at 07:28:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving home from work and turned on my blinker while yelling 'corner' while going around a bend.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:28:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in a hurry for school one day, took of my pajama folded it and instead of the regular clothes i started dressing into the pajama again, and i realized it when i went for the jacket...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:29:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a stop sign while walking in a situation where I totally could have just kept walking. No cars anywhere around. Full stop, not just a California stop. 0 mph for 2 Mississippis.

alwaysloadingdata · 1 points · Posted at 07:29:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ordered a double double at McDonalds. There isn't an in-n-out within 50 miles.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:29:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was so hungover, i once ate a left over steak in the shower with my bare hands before releasing how ridiculous what I was doing was.

aggressivecontrarian · 1 points · Posted at 07:29:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wait for stop signs to turn red.

UpvotesValidateMe · 1 points · Posted at 07:29:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After having some yoghurt, I’d throw the box of yoghurt in the sink and the spoon in the trash can.

mrmidnight273 · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've told dispatch that I was enroute to a hospital that I used to take patients to, that is across the country. And I was very adamant that I was taking them there.

Tyrian01 · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for my 2 year old at a family gathering, starting to panic, only to be pointed out that I am actually holding onto her...

loversalibi · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

once i went to a club and there were security guards patting people down because it was a college ID night, so they had to make sure no underage people brought in alcohol. i was 19 at the time. anyway the one security guard was this really short older woman and when she went to pat me down for some reason i assumed she was going to hug me, so i hugged her

DylanW99 · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Was working one day (I work at Tesco) and a customer asked me where something was, I proceeded to say that we didn’t actually sell it, followed by a “Thanks” and then a hastily “sorry about that”

Austana · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in a dorm room with limited space, and my girlfriend and her roommate were using their desks. Their backs were facing each other, so I had to squeeze behind them to get out.

On the way to class, I kissed the top of her roommate's head instead of hers. It was laughed off but man, I was rushing outta there red-faced after a dozen apologies.

livoryorista92 · 1 points · Posted at 07:30:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work in retail. I had a long shift on tills that day. After I went in to another shop to buy something. I asked the guy serving me if HE would like a bag.

dvsntt · 1 points · Posted at 07:31:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a McDonald's with my wife. We ordered our food, sat down at a table. She points across my shoulder and says to go wash my hands as we had come from a pinball parlor. I look over my shoulder and dutifully head toward the handwashing station she was pointing at. I place my hands under the "faucet", depress the red lever and end up with a fistful of ketchup. Rightfully wrong, I immediately check my surroundings to see if anyone has noticed. Guy next to me, filling his soda, looks at me like I just took off all of my clothes in the middle of the restaurant. He has a look of curiosity and disgust. I realise my options are to show my embarrassment, or make this "my thing". I rub my hands together, slopping the ketchup between my fingers and look him in the eye with a slight grin and say "feels good" and as casually as I can, walk back to my table. I berate my wife for making me "wash" my hands with tomato paste, (like it's her fault) as she points out, the restroom door adjacent to the condiment station, which is what she was actually pointing at. To this day, as a joke, she sometimes puts a ketchup bottle by the sink.

itsmiinh · 1 points · Posted at 07:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came in the wrong restroom while my mind was too focused on some ochem homework. I was at starbucks after pulling an outnighter for an exam, overheard a guy giving his friend the code to the male restroom (male and female restrooms had different codes but i never knew). Autopiloted myself straight to the restroom which of course ended up to be the male one. The kid behind looked at me all weird but I ignored him thinking kids are just kids. Saw a urinal but eh, probably a unisex. Started peeing then reconsidering the way the kid looked at me. I added 1 + 1 together and immediately realized i screwed up. It took some extra time for me to come out and when i did there’s a line of 4-5 guys looking at me, so i just awkwardly put on my surprised face and said “oops wrong one”. Not that big of a deal but i still felt embarrassed regardless lol

Booknerdbassdrum · 1 points · Posted at 07:32:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to give my college ID to the guy at Culver’s instead of my credit card.

He just kind of stared at it for a second like “wtf” until I laughed it off like “you guys don’t exactly take meal plans do you?”

To make it worse I keep my ID on my keychain (right front pocket) and my credit card in my wallet (left front pocket) so getting an actual form of payment was a whole thing that mildly held up the line.

Do NOT keep old small town ladies from their Culver’s on a Sunday.

tiggshad2 · 1 points · Posted at 07:32:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking on the phone while gathering items to get to work Me: faaaahhhh Mom I’m going to be late I can’t find it! Mom: Can’t find what?! Me: My cellphone! I’ve been looking...oh. Mom: good lord.

redandpurpleunicorns · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a concession in a big store. Big store boss walks past. I had a sore throat and croaked "good morning" big boss jokes that I shouldn't be kissing all the boys. Without thinking I immediately said "who said it was all the boys?" He knows I'm married to a man and have a kid. He now knows I'm bi! He just stammered "huh what oh uh right yes oh um" and walked off.

Pajama_Alarm · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my bowl of cereal in the fridge instead of the milk.

I went to sit down to eat and saw that my cereal had seemingly disappeared.

almostsk84globe · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had my brother in the passenger seat as I'm driving. Without thinking I reach over and place my hand on his thigh and began to slightly rub it like I usually do when my wife's next to me. My brother just said dude wtf are you doing? We had a good laugh about that one.

lilimoonmeplz · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

instead of reaching for my vape, I grabbed my hand-held blow torch and put it up to my mouth. luckily realized what I was about to do •_•

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This reminds me of Click.

GirlWithTheToeThumbs · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A I occasionally bump into a glass case holding A Rocket and Groot statue and automatically "oh sorry."

RogueOps · 1 points · Posted at 07:33:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While watching a YouTube video on my phone while eating one day I started frantically searching for my phone. Checking my jacket and pockets. Even got up and looked around for it.

I then picked up my phone and began to dial my own number before realizing what I just did...

Yep...not my proudest moment.

Youredoingitwrongbro · 1 points · Posted at 07:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when i was a kid i threw away my markers in the trash...

sniker77 · 1 points · Posted at 07:34:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Catholic high school, Junior year (11th grade) math class, mid-term test. The thermostat was cranked down in the class, and students were sneezing or coughing. I had the habit if always saying "bless you". I was into my test, so the other kids started trying to sneeze harder, cough, or just make noise to see just how far I'd continue my "bless you's". Teacher, being a basketball coach, tosses a dead marker into the (metal) trashcan from across the room. 3 pointer, can rings out the note of a solid shot. "Bless you" gets out before I can stop it, and the whole class just starts laughing, teacher included. I shut up after that.

DurianLongan · 1 points · Posted at 07:34:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I brush my teeth i move my entire head and body instead of the brush.

This was my old habit. I stopped after my friends make me realised it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:34:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my spouse.

I'm working away at my desk and I can hear her getting progressively more and more frustrated at something in the kitchen. When she's at the point of just about screaming and slamming drawers I sigh, get up, and go to see what's wrong.

Turns out she can't find the butter, and her toasted bagel is cooling. I ask where she last saw the butter, then think better of it when she gives me a look. I proceed to search the obvious places, the fridge primarily, before realizing my mistake. This is my girlfriend, who loses everything, all the time. I've long since learned to deal with this, and I know the correct step isn't looking where it should be, but where she would have put it down.

Not on the counters, not near the toasters, what else would she have... ah.

I open the cutlery drawer and pull out the stick of butter she had put back in with the utensils after buttering her last bagel.

Ikkacu · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was pretty late at night and I was getting ready for bed while my roommate’s girlfriend was in the room. I was looking at her straight in the eye when I dropped my pants (underwear still on) without realizing it. It took her a good 3 seconds to realize what I had done too.

Irreleverent · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well earlier today I tried to kiss my mom on the mouth, so I'm gonna go with that while it's still stinging.

maffems · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opening things and throwing away the thing instead of the wrapper of it.

Happened more than once.

Voyska_informatsionn · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lectured about fire safety regarding cancer risks and smoke inhalation.

Driving to the bar came across a vehicle fire an exposed myself.

MrCatfishBilly · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school they use to have us put all the chairs up on the table in our final period before we left for the day, well one day I was in first period and I was very tired and when the bell rang I just grabbed a chair and put it on the desk and went to grab another one when I noticed everybody staring at me and laughing.

GrumpyKitten1 · 1 points · Posted at 07:35:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once upon a time, before call display was a thing i answered the phone with how's it hanging because i was expecting a call from a friend, it was my dad. I think i was 12 at the time, it did not go over well.

CreditCardInfoPlss · 1 points · Posted at 07:36:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having a conversation with my friend and I suddenly blurted out “Its your fault”. He stared at me for a good 10 seconds and then kept talking.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:36:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My name jeff

Parastormer · 1 points · Posted at 07:36:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

hm, let's see, auto pilot usually gives me a lot of issues because I'm just never there

- tried to use workplace's transponder key on my letter box to open my home door repeatedly

- changed commute track because of redirected line and got off on every station in between because I apparently activated another commute program each time

- pissed in the trash bin immediately once after I got up. It was one of these step to open thingies which made it even more dumb

- try to unlock completely unrelated doors (that I have to enter by ringing, or transponder key or just pushing/pulling/handle) with my home keys. It worked once and that still baffles me until today.

- replied "No thanks" - to a girl who asked me out.

- constantly ending up in my cellar with my laundry because apparently that's where I'll go when I go downstairs

- switching off lights when I leave a room, oblivious of people still being in there

- exing glasses of water that I poured to take my pills, instead of taking the pills with the water. Often several times in a row. I'm very hydrated, thanks.

- Kotelling/Westernwalling - I i.e. got something in my hand, am running around the room thinking and put it somewhere in between books or other things on my shelves just to not find it again. (I made that term up and just translated it to another made up word for here - but originally Klagemauern since I'm German)

Edit: This reads like a bug list. It probably is one and I should call the devs.

zross51234 · 1 points · Posted at 07:36:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night at a restaraunt wandered in and used the ladies restroom without realizing. For some reason the lack of urinals didn't hint me and the real tell was when a woman walked out of the adjacent stall right as I did.

Nowaythatspossible · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to cut up capsicums at this pizza place. First I popped the stem part out and scraped the seeds into the bin. After doing that to all of them, I cut the capsicums, picked up all the cut pieces and put them in the bin. Took me a moment to realise what I'd done. The boss watched it happen too.

fruitofthefallen · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put accidentally put 3 contacts in one eye while hungover. Woke up with my contacts already in, but thought they weren’t. Put one in my left eye, realize my vision went shit so I test of each eye, realized my left was worse so put in another contact in that eye. Ended with 3 contacts in one eye, everything looked tiny

Bluebearje · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh i just thought of a really awful one. Certain friends i,ve made at work i,ve gotten into the habit of greeting with an insult or just massively inappropriate nicknames. One day i was busy doing 4 different things at once when a manager came up and greeted me by my nickname. With how busy i was my brain assumed it was a friend and the manager was greeted with "Hey bitchtits. What's up?" Thankfully she laughed it off after i explained.

d0ly · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live near my old apartament. Often come back to the wrong place. Realise when I turn the car engine off. Happens often enough to be annoying.

DickPuppets · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but I have a coworker that seems like he’s always on autopilot. If he’s not looking down at his phone, he just blankly stares ahead. He’s like a computer that goes into standby mode, and when you shake the mouse (say his name) he looks up at you all confused. There may be something wrong with him.

curious-inquirer · 1 points · Posted at 07:50:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Could well be petite mal (also called absence) seizures. They are tiny seizures, but still can do damage.

FeliSoul · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I was still using sugar, I met this interesting girl at a bar over coffee. Actually, I had just ordered mine and as the waiter put it on the table, I was talking to her. I took a sugar bag, opened it and poured it straight into the ashtray between us. & I actually stirred my coffee afterwards...

Raenthenshi · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the school cafeteria at the return window we had a bucket for the cutlery, where you just throw the stuff in, a table for the trays and you put the dirty plates on the "windowsill" so the cleaning ladies could take it. Well one day my brain got an error and decided that everything was cutlery: I slammed the tray down on the table and threw the plate on the sill like frisbee. But at least the cutlery still got inside the bucket as it had to. Needless to say everybody was staring at me while my friends started to choke on their drinks they were laughing so hard.

SeamusHeaneysGhost · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ran out of teabags, went to shop and came back with them and then realised I'd no sugar left , popped of to the shop and came back with a bag of sugar and finally made a fresh brew..went to fridge to pour some milk in..sadly the milk was sour...got back in the car and drove to shop again and came back with some fresh milk..it was plain sailing from there...

I was happy to have that cup of tea I can tell ya.... and glad I didn't go to same shop each time...I feel like the shop keeper would have a far deeper insight into my life than I'm comfortable with.

mcpat21 · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to go to class instead of work but i take the same roads til a certain point - i realized my mistake when i was almost to work, but i quick hopped on a road that took me back to school lol

Ekalb13 · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for a travel company. Part of the job was going with the property management company on site to rental homes to confirm/resolve an issue. Like pool heater not working, AC issues, cleanliness etc. While on one of these visits, the guests were out and I was feeling a little sour in my stomach. I was grateful the guests weren't in the home, and dipped into the bathroom while the property management lady was in the kitchen. I did what I had to do and tried to flush. Nothing. My heart sank when I remembered why we were there. They said they woke up to no water. My shame lies in the toilet that won't flush and I have to admit my issue to the property management employee.

I was so lucky. She was awesome. She didn't judge, laugh, or panic. She grabbed a big pot and told me to scoop up some pool water and use it to flush. On one hand, I was grateful she had a plan. On the other, I was mad I didn't think of it.

I can't poop in unfamiliar places now.

Mikehtx · 1 points · Posted at 07:37:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a child, I always announced when I had to go pee when I was with my family. Then one day I run into the kitchen and start pissing in the trashcan.

I realized what I was doing when the piss was slapping the plastic trash bag. It was soo loud aha. This happened three times to me as a kid.

Dontbejillous · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today after I pulled a 20 out of the ATM, I turned and pressed the lock button on my car key while pointing it at the atm

th35t16 · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brought two oatmeal packets to work with me. Opened the first one, emptied it into my bowl and then threw the empty packet in the trash. Opened the second one, emptied it into the trash and then, oh wait.

Its_a_me_Walawuigi · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Im a mechanic and I was incredibly tired one day, servicing a customers vehicle I had prepared the oil to put in until a more senior mechanic asked for my oil as her Job had the same requirements and had to go out sooner. After giving her the oil I proceeded to put the rest of vehicle together (without the oil) since this was outside my normal routine for service I forgot to put the oil in afterwards as well. Needless to say the customer came back complaining of noise and we replaced his engine, luckily there was no major damage done and we sold the engine on losing little to no money

lunchladyshand · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Prescott local to NAU

Zelbado · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mother tell me to bring her water when we're sitting together with the family, so one time my father told me bring me some water and automatically I went to my mother and gave her the glass of water and my father was like "what about me !" So I went back filled another glass then went for my mother again after that day my father doesn't ask me to bring him water.

I guess he learned the lesson lol.

FossilLatte · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shared a bathroom in college with a few people, and we'd all get up at the same time for class.
So I would pee while I was brushing my teeth in the morning to be more efficient.
I started to do the same thing before bed.
Then I was brushing my teeth after lunch one day and I just peed my pants.

TheAffinityBridge · 1 points · Posted at 07:38:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago I had to sit on a customer site in case a particular piece of machinery broke down during a busy period. I was in a busy mailroom surrounded by people and I really needed to fart, but didn't feel like walking to the other end of the building to the bathrooms. Then it dawned on me that I was wearing ear protectors so nobody would hear me if I let rip, so I did.

theliefster · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into the fuel station, filled up a coffee.....Went back to my car.... "OMG I didn't pay for this coffee!"

krycekin · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used an old pantry as a storage unit in my basement/chill area when I was a teenager. One of the spots in it was for my bong. One night I was so stoned I put the Brita jug there instead...they look the same right? Took a day before I realized it...I had a good laugh with my parents. They had looked everywhere.

LambKyle · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes wear flipflops around the house and occasionally would take the garbage out in them (instead of putting on shoes) then come back inside and put on my shoes by autopilot. Then have to switch back to flip-flops.

I do this at least once a week. Where I live most people don't wear shoes inside their house (I know some places that's very common)

Ruberion · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger I lost a copy of the book Fight Club that was very dear to me. Yesterday when I was looking through a cabinet I thought I found it again. Overjoyed I took it out and put it on the dining table so I wouldn't forget it. Turns out it was my girlfriend's Christmas present for me and I spoiled the surprise.

I lost that book over 8 years ago and have moved 3 times since then so I don't think my common sense was in function.

EndiePT15 · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got myself breakfast in the morning, got the cereal and the milk then proceeded to put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the pantry, twice in a row, on the same morning, from only one bowl.

ThousandsDry · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed my burger... I was scraping mayonaise off the bun and got some on my hand and decided to wash it off, i forgot to put down my burger first

papree · 1 points · Posted at 07:40:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this thread is the daily life of patients on benzodiazepines

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:40:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to pause life. Like I was holding a controller but I wasn’t and i went to press the pause button. I wasn’t even anywhere near a game console I was outside.

Cowboybeatdrop · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Because I’m used to watching streams of games on my laptop that often lag behind I check scores on espn sometimes to see what the change is 5 minutes ahead. Nearly every time without fail I go to a red sox game I check my phone to see what the score of the future is even though the game is literally happening live in front of my face.

Hobo5000 · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Started a job in the US after living in the UK for quite a while. After getting off a shift pretty late at night I just started driving on the left side of the road. After going for half a mile I almost peed myself once I realized what I was doing.

Alphastaire · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put body wash in my hair. Realized my mistake a second later and washed it out, then went on with my usual routine.

emannlight · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I'm on auto pilot for too long... I dance...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going around the shop narrating picking items out loud when I caught someone’s eye and realized my baby was not with me.

First week of daycare.

Paroxysm111 · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once my parents left for a week and left my younger siblings at the grandparents for the week. Coincidentally I also had that whole week off work. Played video games for like 8 hours straight every day the whole week. My first day back driving to work, the sun was shining in my eyes and I spent a few seconds looking for the brightness setting for the sun. Like I expected there to be a button to increase and decrease the brightness.

AdventurePee · 1 points · Posted at 07:41:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I turned 21, I had to get a new driver's liscense and they gave me a temporary paper ID until they sent me a new one. I also kept my old ID to show in case whoever was checking my ID didn't trust the paper one.

So I'm at a convenience store buying a pack of beers or something and I go up to the cashier. She asks to see my ID and without thinking I say, "Okay, here's my temp ID", handing her my paper one, "and here is my fake one", handing her my old ID. She stops and looks at me puzzled while I realize what I just said. Flustered, I had to explain that it was actually my old ID, and that I didn't mean to call it 'fake'. I'm glad she didn't call the cops or anything because I was already dizzy from embarrassment at that point.

DARKxxKiLLeR · 1 points · Posted at 07:42:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not going to the only bathroom free because it had a handicapped sign, like if it was parking

Knight_Owls · 1 points · Posted at 07:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for Pizza Hut. Every now and then I would answer my home phone with the Pizza Hut opening monologue.

SquatchOut · 1 points · Posted at 07:43:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a teenager I used those round pads with witch hazel to wipe my face with, and would wipe my face in a circular motion with one. One day I was really tired and was shaving with my electric razor (the round kind with 3 round blades). You're supposed to shave with these in a circular motion, so I was going along, then mindlessly moved to my forehead and shaved off a good bit of my eyebrow.

Totally_TJ · 1 points · Posted at 07:44:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Super late to the party but just the other day I tried to scan into my dorm room with my card. It wasn't my dorm. I recently moved to another identical building and it was where my old room would have been.

samdezz23 · 1 points · Posted at 07:44:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Growing up it was just me and my brother, we fought like siblings do and we would always shout each other’s names in anger “ROBERT” “SAMANTHA”, So now I have an 8 year old son and lately when I go to discipline him i find myself often starting to say “ROBERT” out of habit. I always chuckle to myself when I do it and it takes me back to my childhood for a second.

DidQ · 1 points · Posted at 07:44:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once in my school times I had to wake up early (about 3 am) because we were going on some long trip. So I woke up, wasn't sure what time is it so I started looking for my phone to check it. I couldn't find it so I took the phone, turned on a flashlight and it took me about two minutes to realize what have I done.

NeoN_kiler · 1 points · Posted at 07:44:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once made pasta and mixed in the sauce in the strainer and was confused after why there was sauce all over my counter

LizzyCF · 1 points · Posted at 07:45:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was supposed to pick up my dad after work & kept repeating it to myself during the day, while leaving the building, & while driving on the highway in THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE WAY than where he was in the middle of rush hour traffic! I didn't even realize until he called a while later asking where I was. That whole trip that should've taken 35 minutes tops took over an hour.

freshINKlyrics · 1 points · Posted at 07:45:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I really enjoyed the look on the cashier’s face when I took a tampon out of my purse and tried to sign a receipt with it.....

whatisanythingidk · 1 points · Posted at 07:45:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Must say, I know this kind of question comes up often on this sub, but it is still one of my favourite kinds of questions. I just love reading stories of how folks make pasta and pour it down the sink, or throw their phone instead of the trash. Makes me literally laugh out loud while my husband stares at me in bemusement. So, thank you OP and thanks to all the wonderful tired and sleep-deprived zombie folks for your tales <3

SweetFawn · 1 points · Posted at 07:46:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was taking some ibuprofen over the sink the other night. Had the pills in my left hand, glass in my right. Turned on the faucet and filled my pill hand up. Rust coating covering my palm guaranteed how much I would get to taste what ibuprofen tastes like. Gross.

ElMacTay · 1 points · Posted at 07:46:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped at a stop sign and waited for the light to turn green. After a minute, I realized I was waiting for nothing and drove away laughing.

Focus3d · 1 points · Posted at 07:46:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a child I went to the bathroom and undressed to take a shower. When I took of my underpants I unintentionally threw it into the toilet instead of the laundry basket right next to it and my auto pilot just said "look there is something in the toilet you need to flush"... Well I did and never saw that underpants again

khalidh22 · 1 points · Posted at 07:46:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes if i dont park the car but is on brake for a few minutes, i actually forget to park and turn off the engine without parking. Fyi i drive auto.

el-boyo-loco · 1 points · Posted at 07:46:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents have a smooth glass stove top. After you turn off the range it won’t light up red no more. WELL right after my mom whipped up dinner, I wanted to grab a bottle of Jameson from the liquor shelf which was right above the range. Using the edge and part of the burner as leverage I burned the absolute fuck of outta my hand. Now it’s a running joke every time the stove gets turned off around me.

pandamazing · 1 points · Posted at 07:46:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

100% of the time. Without fail. When a cashier at a shop in the airport says “have a nice flight” I’ll accidentally say “thanks you too!”

wanggatron311 · 1 points · Posted at 07:46:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put dishwashing soap on my toothbrush thinking it was toothpaste multiple times a month probably.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put porridge in my coffee cup one morning.

Pajama_Alarm · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally gave the pizza guy a 20 dollar tip and didn't realize until he drove off.

PeachWorms · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This isn't the worst autopilots ive done, but i gently blow on nearly every single drink i have, even if it's water, even infront of people (my friends are used to it, but still embarrassing if infront of strangers), like I'm trying to cool it down! Guess that's what having a morning coffee every day does to you.

novae1054 · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had worked a double overnight (4pm to 8am the next day), was being nice and went to go get my family breakfast. I then decided my car was dirty so went into the car wash. For some unknown reason while the car wash was on the wax cycle I decided to roll down the windows, all 4 windows. I was covered in wax, the interior of the car was covered in wax, and the floor had a bunch of wax on it. I called my mom and told her I was coming by and needed help. I drove the 3 miles and handed my keys to my dad and mom and the wet breakfast and went in took a shower and went to bed. By the time I woke up 10 hours later my car was clean. I love my family!

BatteredRose92 · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got in someone else's car instead of my (then) boyfriend's. The storefront was glass. It took me a moment to understand why my stuff wasn't there and why the key didn't work but it was unlocked anyway. Immediately went to the right car when I realized where I fucked up. When I came back in the people the car belonged to were staring and I just laughed nervously for like 15 minutes.

Mountkosiosko · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to put the kettle in the microwave. I only realised what I was doing when it didn't fit.

BFHobo · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to stick out the tip of my tongue when I see other people struggling with something they are doing.

dominiquewalters · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly put the salt in the microwave right after I use it. I just take out my food, use the salt, and put it in the microwave.

kiinginfiniti · 1 points · Posted at 07:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember there was one time I had to blow my nose with toilet paper after using the restroom bc the tissues had ran out. I was also scrolling through twitter on my phone. Well I decided I would throw the toilet paper in the toilet to flush it with yesterday’s food. Let’s just say I got the new iPhone!!!

nosedigging · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad texted me asking me whether I had seen his phone.

lindseyilwalker · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep trying to use my car remote to open my house door and my house key to open my car door

adityaramani · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Removed the last tablet the sheet. Proceeded to dispose the tablet and hold the empty sheet wondering what just happened.

danieltapia74 · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked in my room confused as to why I had to go there in the first place

Mikehtx · 1 points · Posted at 07:48:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I’m laying on my back sleeping, I’d wake up abruptly by spitting saliva upward, landing all over my face. I hate those mornings.

Reverbed_ · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finished making some popcorn, grabbed the bowl, opened up the bag of popcorn, started to empty it only to realize I was pouring the entire thing into the trash can. This has happened twice before.

EmolRP · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left my phone in the fridge, didn’t even notice til I went to grab a can of Pepsi.

sped_sond_sunic · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long weekend, I got to school very early and my professor poked me and she asked "how's your weekend?" I then responded "yes" and I went for a high five.

Since then, she would always high five me and say yes. She's so cool though.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I fart in the flight deck and pretend it wasn't me. Keep in mind there's only one other person up there with me. And that's literally what I do when on auto pilot.

mariaresendiz1 · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

answering the phone “thank you for choosing (insert fast food chain)! this is maria may i take your order?”
guess three years in fast food just does things to the brain

mariaresendiz1 · 1 points · Posted at 07:53:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

oh and can’t forget when eating at a restaurant server: “enjoy your meal!” me: “thanks, you too” s: walks off with awkward smile m: “..wait” almost makes me feel like an asshole

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fell asleep drunk on the train home. Woke up to find someone stole my backpack. I continued on to my childhood home. Almost there it dawned upon me I had moved out of there 10 years ago. Did I get roofied?

PreviousTruck · 1 points · Posted at 07:49:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For the longest time, whenever I would use mouthwash I would catch myself about to swallow it the second I put it in my mouth. My brain apparently just thinks anything in a small cup is a shot and should be swallowed immediately, anyways finally trained myself not to do that anymore. Couple weeks ago I got sick and took some NyQuil, yeah definitely swished NyQuil around in my mouth before I realized the horrible mistake I was in the process of making.

Flaming_gerbil · 1 points · Posted at 07:50:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I regularly answer my mobile phone as of I'm at work, and vice versa, answer the work phone as though its my own. Usually do it once per shift at least, especially as I can use my mobile during work as long as work calls take priority.

The other thing I do far too often is to get in the drivers seat of any car I'm getting in as the majority of the time I drive and its only recently that my friends have started getting their own cars so I'm no longer the designated driver.

The funniest one was yesterday, I got into my friends car after he'd unlocked it, sat in the drivers seat and he got into the passenger side and gave me the keys. I set off then wondered why my seat and mirrors were wrong, then he said 'wait, why are you driving?' to which I said 'I... Don't know...' pulled over and we swapped seats, but I've not heard the end of it since lol.

SacredVow · 1 points · Posted at 07:50:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At school, it was a sunny day out so we all went to eat our lunch in a park, was sitting on the grass eating a sandwich and saw a perfectly undamaged flower which looked really nice, picked it out if the ground. Ate the flower. Paused to reflect on my mistake.

gortonanonymous · 1 points · Posted at 07:50:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the cap for the milk carton in the glass I just poured today. Family didn’t notice, so I managed to fish it out without getting laughed at.

SmashBerlin · 1 points · Posted at 07:50:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to leave the house for the day but couldn't find my phone. In a typical modern day panic I pulled my phone from my pocket and called my girlfriend to ask if she remembered where I put it. She hung up.

I tried calling her back and as I pushed the call button, I decided to just go back to bed for the day.

SLICKlikeBUTTA · 1 points · Posted at 07:50:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant, and on too many occasions I've taken dirty dishes to the line instead of the dish pit because I'm already ready to pick up food. the expo always looks at me like what the fuck are you doing?

ohshitlastbite · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning (hungover) while i was rinsing my contacts from the hydrogen peroxide with regular contact solution, I squirted, yup, the hydrogen peroxide solution instead. Put my contacts in without realizing and burned my eyeball. It hurt so much i was on the floor and couldn't open my eyes to wash. Painful, cherry red eyes for days.

neverenoughkittens · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teabag in sink, spoon in bin.

Emptysiteweed · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working as a painter one hot summer, we used mineral turpentine to thin our oil based paints to keep it smooth. I would keep a bottle handy because it was drying out so quick. Mistook it for my water bottle..yuuuk!

NeebusSchmeebus · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During a rush at work I was on till, trying to upsell skewered meatballs to a customer. My boss was behind me waiting for me to finish so he could ask a question.
I turned around and asked "Would you like some blueballs?"
No idea where it came from but coworkers and customers got a good laugh.

toomanytubas · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend has ADHD so she often tunes out when I talk and I need to get her attention back. For the last month or two I’ve gotten in the habit of half-shouting her name and clicking my fingers when she stops listening. I was in a cafe with my mum yesterday and she went all glassy eyed and I accidentally shouted my girlfriends name at her and clicked my fingers.

hyphie · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took out the trash while leaving for school... and brought my trash bag to school.

jellomello123 · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was reading a book and couldn't understand why dictionary didn't come on when I pressed on the word

DreamTech505 · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a canyoning guide, so i take people abseiling and rock climbing etc in canyons with really noisy waterfalls.

To communicate between guides we yell stuff super loud, we often yell "CLEAR" once we are finished with something and are ready for the other guide to come down.

I once went to the DoT (dept. Of transport) and had to fill in a form. When i filled it in completely, i signed it and yelled "CLEAR" as i handed it back.

It scared the hell out of the clerk and everyone gave me looks.

Most embarrassing moment of my life.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:52:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I played some low level jr. hockey and at the same time played a lot of NHL on X-box. During reals games, the button would pop into my head before I’d pass, shoot, or check. Tripped me out so I had to quit playing so much Xbox haha

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:52:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put cat food in the freezer.

I'm unsure as to what to do with frozen cat food. I don't know what I had planned.

stephandonah7 · 1 points · Posted at 07:52:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asked my boss via instant message to let me know when she had a sex for me. Meant to say sec.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropped something and instantly, before it even hit the ground, my left hand reached for CTRL-Z. Wasn't even near a computer.

daperdingus · 1 points · Posted at 07:52:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work on a submarine. Every time we go up and down stairs/ a ladder we yell UP(DOWN) LADDER since only one can fit at a time. On vacation I stood mortified as I look at a pair of tourists I had just yelled at trying to use my small flight of steps.

Ya_habibti · 1 points · Posted at 07:53:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving down I-85 south, south of Atlanta, and I kept missing my exit. I was just driving on auto pilot and kept having to make circles. Finally when I skipped it the third time, I changed what I was listening to and turned on the gps.

crapusername47 · 1 points · Posted at 07:53:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured the boiling water on to the jar of instant coffee rather than the mug.

InvaderBrad · 1 points · Posted at 07:53:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my girlfriend of the time by another girls name. The name was from a show I was thinking about, not someone I knew, but she got pissed.

Mutilated_Buffalo · 1 points · Posted at 07:53:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve had moments of almost putting an empty glass into the bin.

Little_Mel · 1 points · Posted at 07:54:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grab one of my hair products. I brush my hair and proceed to look for it. I stare at my dresser for a good two minutes trying to find it. My mom walks into the room and I ask, "Mom, do you see my (item)? I swear I'm blind."

She replied, "The one in front of you?"

It was literally right in front of me. I really am blind.

Rednartso · 1 points · Posted at 07:54:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Turn on my blinker thinking that I'm shifting into drive.

SpeedyGazebo · 1 points · Posted at 07:54:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few months after we had our first kid, I was caught waiting in line at the building supplies trade counter, gently bouncing & patting a 20kg bag of cement. We're years past that stage now but I still catch myself doing the same thing when holding random heavy stuff from time to time. I think the years of sleep deprivation have done a real number on my brain. It'll probably never get back to normal..

DracoAdamantus · 1 points · Posted at 07:54:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once in a murder-mystery play, as the detective. As with most murder mysteries, I had about 10 minutes of on and off monologuing at the end while explaining how I had solved the case. On out last performance, about 3/4 of the way through the final scene, I realized that I had not payed attention to a single word I had said for the last 10 minutes. My mind was wandering the whole time and and I was basically reciting all my lines through muscle memory.

ilovepineapples6 · 1 points · Posted at 07:54:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a CO and I will use radio codes while I talk to people and I'm not at work. My poor husband has basically been forced to learn the basic ones so he knows what the hell I'm talking about.

Itadakiimasu · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Use shampoo as toothpaste and went to school 3 hours too early then i fell asleep on my desk until classes started.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put on my winter coat and went to class with nothing under it.

lehuffenator · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called an ex gf Mom

Nebeason · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Happened multiple times:

Taking off my inside clothes in order to automatically put them on afterwards and feel like I have a developing neurodegenerative disease.

novicehour · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love pistachios.. so my family got me this giant bag of really high quality ones. I sat about for an hour and opened each one and filled a tray to roast and once done calmly proceeded to dump the entire tray of the peeled pistachios in the garbage..

Realised what I had done and by mistake knocked over the empty shells all over the living room.. had to clean that shit up which went scuttling all over into the remotest corners and even other rooms...

Not my brightest moment...

flobrak · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During the weekend I needed to go to the bakery, my bus stop to go to school back then was near the bakery. I just mindlessly walked to the bus stop and waited for the bus. It wasn't until the bus stopped that I remembered I didn't need to go to school. So I backed away and went to the bakery. When I got home my mom asked where I was for so long. Waited 20 minutes on the bus.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put salt on a cupcake

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 07:55:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was texting my boss at the bar and my father one day around the same time

It happened where he and my dad replied “sure” at the same time, so without thinking I just replied “thanks daddy”

to my boss.

with a heart and some other emojis that would be suggestive when saying thanks daddy to your boss.

TmanGTFan · 1 points · Posted at 07:56:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to use my car clicker to unlock the door to my apartment.

Empyrking · 1 points · Posted at 07:56:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I fly a lot and one time when the plane landed and we were ready to deplane my mouth suddenly had the idea of whistling a duet loudly with the ambient music in perfect tempo. Lady in front of me was trying not to lose it holding her laughter tears coming out of her eyes. Uoon realizing I memorized a jingle of a effin plane and wasn't a natural thing for most of the people there.

1Dive1Breath · 1 points · Posted at 07:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was about 12 my younger brother and I were fighting. My grandma called and I picked up the phone. I covered the receiver so I could tell my brother to shut up; instead I calmly said "Hello" to my brother, uncovered the receiver and yelled "Shut up!" into the phone. Yeah. It all ended up ok after much apologizing and explaining but there was a brief moment where I was sure that I was dead of embarrassment and shame.

Kahmael · 1 points · Posted at 07:56:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes, when exhausted, I will stop at a green light. I recgonize it's an intersection but not one I can go through. Strangely enough, when I'm high,I never have that problem.

Pherrow · 1 points · Posted at 07:56:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flipping out my phone to check the time, not checking the time and putting it back in my pocket to repeat that exact process multiple times within a few minute time.

This actually happens far too often...

latree714 · 1 points · Posted at 07:57:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Say “you too” when the staff at the theater tells me to enjoy the movie.

tomerraj · 1 points · Posted at 07:57:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washing my hands, put some soap, takes a bite from the soap, 10/10 would not recomend

redviper7579 · 1 points · Posted at 07:57:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nice guessing game can be made out of this.

Drunk or Autopilot?!

tywalters-66 · 1 points · Posted at 07:57:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

once, -when blockbuster was still around- my dad and brother and i picked up some movies and went to go back to our truck but when i opened the door to our vehicle and sat down i saw that there was a shoe on the floor where there wasnt before. turns out it was the wrong vehicle cause we didnt even own a truck. they were laughing at me :(

ReleaseYourself09 · 1 points · Posted at 07:57:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to always park in the same spot at the same gas station I frequented for a while. One day I had to park in a different spot. I came out of the store and saw a car the same color as mine in the spot I usually park and just got in. It was lower than my car but I figured I had just forgotten I adjusted the seat. Didn't dawn on me till I saw a different brand of cigarettes on the middle console.

southdakotagirl · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At one job the bathroom has a motion activated light. You open the door the light goes on. I was working 2 jobs. I was at the other job that had a bathroom with light switches. I kept swinging the door trying to get the light to turn on. Then I realized that was at the other job. I quickly looked around to see if anyone saw me swinging a door open and close multiple times for no reason.

pillowsnblankets · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So this happened a couple of years ago. My hubby and myself, our toddler and baby went to Babiesrus. Our baby was in his carseat/stroller and we put the toddler in the shopping cart. We paid and left and I heard someone yelling, " you forgot your baby" as we walked out of the store. I looked over at my husband and said, "thank god its not us" and we both started laughing. The cashier came up to us and told us we had forgotten our kid and i told her that my kid was in the cart. She asked me if the kid in the stroller was mine and I was so embarrased cause we had in fact left our baby at the register.

IhreHerrlichkeit · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in retail so I'm used to tidy up shelves. Sometimes when I go shopping in my free time I start to tidy up shops til I realise I don't work there.

v_morghulis13 · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent a few years working as a server and one of the things we did was say “behind!” Or “corner!” to let other servers know where we were. I started an office job earlier this year and on several occasions I caught myself saying this as I would turn a corner or if I was directly behind someone. It was always super awkward as I’d say it kinda loud and would quickly apologize and try to explain myself.

Vaajze · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ive put the tv remote in the fridge and sat in bed trying to change Netflix shows with a cheesestick

twomeninahorsesuit · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured laundry detergent into my drier yesterday. I've yet to recover, and neither has the machine.

Ms_Uncertain · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So one day we noticed we had ants and called the apartment office and they send they would send a guy.

Lo and behold, the next day, the orkin man is knocking. I freak out because Im socially awkward and my husband wasn't home, so I pump myself up for a minute to talk to him.

I let him into my apartment and talk to him for a solid few minutes before I realize I'm in my underwear. Not wearing any pants. Not even wearing a bra under my shirt. I cringe so much thinking about that one. He was very professional though and left very quickly.

dangina76 · 1 points · Posted at 07:58:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

usually if i'm in the car depending where I am at I will either

a) take the path to work on non work days

b) drive the direction to my old house (lived there over 10 years, at new one for 1.5 years)

wife usually reminds me when i start back on one of those 2 paths

aamar517 · 1 points · Posted at 07:59:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

When I was in high school this girl passed me a note that read “will you go out with my to prom” I handed back the note with “that’s nice” I was so deep in thought I didn’t know I even got the note until one of her friends cornered me after school

ObscureObelisk · 1 points · Posted at 07:59:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I go to my friends house I open the front door and immediately bend over to pet his dog that comes running up. He just had to put the dog down last week and I went over the other day and instinctively bent over to pet the dog. When he wasn't there I asked where he was before I remembered. That made the rest of the evening somber.

Clock_check · 1 points · Posted at 08:07:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finish the lunch and took the dishes to bathroom instead of kitchen, kept them on the floor. Realized it only when I went to bathroom next

Keibl · 1 points · Posted at 08:07:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Entering my home and waiting in the dark for the lights to come on automatically, like in at my workplace.

NopeNopeNope__ · 1 points · Posted at 08:07:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a restaurant and we answer the phone there 'Hello name of restaurant'

At home one day the home phone rang and I proceeded to answer the phone with the same greeting. I just stumbled out an 'ohh sorry no not name of restaurant...'

Huggernaut · 1 points · Posted at 08:07:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On my 18th birthday the girl I was dating at the time kissed me and whispered "happy birthday"...

"You too"

phonartics · 1 points · Posted at 08:08:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this a few times now... get to lab to make up some work late at night. finish around dawn. pack it up and walk home. few days later I decide to drive somewhere for food. wait where’s my c... sonofabitch! cue 3-4 parking tickets. at least my univ is nice and haven’t towed my car yet

essiemc12 · 1 points · Posted at 08:08:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at KFC. I went to the bathroom and a girl was in there, my first reaction was to say ‘hi how ya going?’

MamaRagu954 · 1 points · Posted at 08:08:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was having a long phone conversation with a friend. Wanted to leave the house. Spent 10 minutes searching everywhere for my cell phone—which I was holding to my ear at the time.

Dej2002 · 1 points · Posted at 08:08:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sneezed and said "bless you"

LordRyloth · 1 points · Posted at 08:09:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up at 2AM, cause I was thirsty, entered the kitchen, flipped the light switch, proceeded to drink water, turned back to the bedroom and then the lights turned on

Huggernaut · 1 points · Posted at 08:09:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sitting at a red light in the car and we were waiting for the drop. It hits and my brain made a "ok the thing we were waiting for has happened" association and I floored it through the red light.

Funnily enough the driver behind me must have been on autopilot too because they followed me through the red.

nucci586 · 1 points · Posted at 08:09:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does pissing yourself, getting nude, and putting your pants and boxers in your friends stove count? I dont remember, so somebody was flying brain on autopilot. I still argue that the idea seemed legit. Just very relieved that I did not turn that oven on.

immersed_in_thom · 1 points · Posted at 08:12:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a waitress and used to getting customers who come in and ask what I can do for them or something along those lines. Do you have a reservation etc. normal enough. But I’ve been on autopilot greeting guests more than once if they get up to put money in the meter or go to the bathroom. It’s awkward af

NewHereSince1980 · 1 points · Posted at 08:14:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teacher talked about the Netherlands being a very very flat country - I just went ahead and asked if a female classmate originated from there because she was also flat. Big regrets to this day!

UndeadBread · 1 points · Posted at 08:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This morning, I refilled the hand soap in the kitchen and when I was done, I spent a solid minute trying to find room for the big soap jug in the fridge.

Umee44 · 1 points · Posted at 08:15:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i’m a server at a restaurant with only one door to enter the kitchen. so we yell, “CORNER!” every time we enter or exit through to door, so as to not hit the person walking the other direction.

anyway, one night after work, i’m playing beer pong at a friend’s house and yell, “CORNER,” as i throw the ball.

why. why did i do that.

udco · 1 points · Posted at 08:18:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"git push origin master"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I upvote so much stuff before i even look at it.

myfonds · 1 points · Posted at 08:20:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

wrote my nickname on a paper in class. we had a new teacher so everyone had to write their name and put it on the front of our desks. I was so used to be called by my nickname that I accidentaly wrote it it down. found out when the teacher asked me a question.

Porkchopping · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured cold water over my instant noodles.

AroSorth · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once was on a date with my ex in high school and we had already sat down to eat at a mall. I had been teasing and laughing at her about something and then I delightfully proceeded to take sip out of my soda only to realize there was no straw so my mouth was just grasping at the plastic cap of the soda. I quickly transitioned to be the butt of the joke.

Zerrish · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived in England about 6 years ago, and have been since living in the states. On Monday I was walking to my car to drive home and I entered the passenger side of the car. As I sat, confused, I thought what something was very off with my situation. About 10 seconds into it I realized I had gotten into the wrong side of the car to drive home.

Sometimes, I really miss England.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During a crunch in a game we were developing, I was building 3D models half, then mirror the other half, from morning till next morning basically. When I brushed my teeth, I only brushed half of them (left side, upper and lower row) and left the bathroom. In bed I realised.

himynameisjennii · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought a chocolate bar then threw the chocolate in the bin but kept the wrapper in my hand.

gabelelio · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i work at starbucks, once someone asked me for a cake pop and i said “what size?”

theAlphaActual · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Addressed my teacher as "mom". Actually she was a motherly figure.

Le-Adder-Noir · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the funeral for my Great Uncle. When I went up to offer my condolences, my Aunt thanked me for coming, to which I replied, “It’s a pleasure”. Then proceeded to do it again when his daughter thanked me for coming.

I don’t know if they took it that way, but I felt I might as well have said “happy to be here to make sure he’s dead”

86Kitchen · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once walking through the student union with my best friend and roommate, there was a tour blocking up most of the hall, and for some reason autopilot me didn't think there was room between a person and this indoor plant so I went between the wall and plant and said "whooop" as I did so.

Wheres-the-any-key8 · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to always catch the bus to work. I would always yell out “thank you 😊”. As I got off at my stop...Tired one day on the train... yelled out thank you (at the top of my lungs due to headphones) then swiftly realised and wanted to die of shame.

HideThePainHarold08 · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but I was with my cousin at a camp and he was wiping after a shit and instead of throwing a piece of toilet paper that he used he threw the whole roll which was new and got all wet so yeah

HerrKnaller · 1 points · Posted at 08:22:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopt at a green light....

Skinjob85 · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After moving out of my parents' house a few years ago, I was driving back from work and when I got out of the car, I noticed that I'd driven back to their house. Luckily my new place was only a short drive away.

Another time, I was trying to find a specific song on the car radio that I arrived at work before I had found it, and I could not recall which route I had driven.

Paper_Is_A_Liquid · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Normally my whole family is at home. One day I was alone in the house, asked the dog to pass me the remote. Dog was confused and super excited (she's still a puppy) so went and got a squeaky toy. I picked up the toy and kept squeaking it to "use it" on the TV, then got annoyed at it because it wasn't working.

It wasn't until the dog started barking at me to just THROW THE TOY ALREADY that I realised it wasn't a TV remote.

Sidenote: The toy is small, bright orange and shaped like a burger.

diliberto123 · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I accidentally threw out the tray once at a Wendy’s

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i go on auto pilot I immediately start driving home or to my school. Once went auto pilot and went the opposite way to where i needed to go. I was 30 minutes late to that party

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took off my uniform after a long day and threw it in the bin

Futslut · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Farted in mass. Insanely loud

vanish007 · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Movie Ticket Seller: "Enjoy the movie!"

Me: "Thanks, you too!"

Enrokk · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a shower with my socks on

Zakkx3 · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have this girl who I am secret santa with, for work. She won’t be at work when I have the gift ( she knows I’m her secret Santa I gave her a partial gift while I wait for the actual gift to come in) she texted me this morning asking if it is something she could swing by the store to pick up once I have it, to which I responded, more half awake than anything “Stop trying to be sneaky, it’s a gift!” And didn’t realize this is how I answered her question for a few hours. Once I realized I apologized for how I responded and gave her a real answer

NotReallyARaptorYet · 1 points · Posted at 08:24:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Casino dealer here. I flash my palms for the cameras ALL THE TIME. Anytime I touch money, if anyone touches my hands, one time even after giving the hubby some oral action. It's a habit.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:25:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t live with parents anymore and this one time I was visiting mum, I was going to look something up for her and out of habit typed xnxx.com into my browser while she was sat next to me. Luckily I closed the window before she looked at the screen.

DeadPuppyClowns · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me. My husband. He said "i love you" at the end of a professional call. The best part is she responded back the same and thwn sounded disappointed when he laughed it off in embarrassment.

IntegralLee · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up in the middle of the night hungry and had a bowl of cereal. The next morning I found the dirty bowl in the fridge and the milk in the sink.

SelfConfessedCreep · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I Was once in such a rush getting ready for school that a threw The to remote in my bag and took it with me

turkicnomad · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my bike lock with my car’s key fob.

hebbar2011 · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Inserted my College ID card into the ATM thrice in a row and kept feeling annoyed that it showed an error message.

fluffyp0tat0es · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a particularly long session playing a video game. When I turned off the console I was still holding the controller and unconsciously moved the joystick expecting it to rotate my view.

AlphaFlare97 · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Really late but oh well. I use radios at my work so I have to say “copy” and “over” a lot and sometimes after a nightshift or twelve hour day I’ll be on the phone with friends, family or work and I’ll keep saying “copy” and “over”

Everybody kinda just knows and puts up with it now.

over

himmelman · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Click on the Reddit shortcut when I fire up chrome in a meeting with colleagues and ... beamer is on. It could be worse...

Excalibur_Ulitmate · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the microwave.

SarahPallorMortis · 1 points · Posted at 08:26:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if this counts but when I was a kid, like really young, I used to sleep walk. It was really bad around 7. The worst thing my parents found was a hairbrush in the fridge and keys in a tool box in the garage.

c-o-double-m-o-n · 1 points · Posted at 08:27:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lost my wallet in college, so I spent hours looking for it. Called my friend who went to my dorm room while I was looking in my car, she found it IN MY TRASHCAN.

Apparently I threw it away when I was tidying up. Lol

rodso64 · 1 points · Posted at 08:27:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ate a carton of yogurt, then proceeded to put the empty carton in the washing machine and throw away the metal spoon...

MonotonousRainbow · 1 points · Posted at 08:27:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was walking and saw a police car and thought, "Oh shit" and instinctively slowed down...I have also been walking and almost stopped at stop signs...

joshi_bar · 1 points · Posted at 08:27:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crashed a plane

mercuryruled · 1 points · Posted at 08:27:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

30 minute lunch break. Drive to McDonald’s. Order my food, pay, & drive back to work. I get parked, turn to grab my food & it’s not there. I feel immediate rage & then realize I paid at the PAY window & then just straight up drove past the second window right back to work.

mog_dan · 1 points · Posted at 08:28:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock my apartment with my bus card

ShaggFiber72 · 1 points · Posted at 08:28:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said sorry to a plant for bumping into it.

papaghost7 · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back-to-back student society interviews.

Society 2: If you've a corporate contact which society you'd bring it to?

Me: I'd definitely bring it to Community Welfare Society because the resources will be used for the benefit of the people and we all know...

Interviewer 1: Umm.. You do know you're sitting an interview for the Placement Society?

I still got in.

coolcoolmintmint · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In elementary school everyone had to learn how to play the recorder. It was probably the first time in my life I tried really, really hard at something. So for couple years after that I automatically pursed my lips like I was playing an invisible recorder every time I had to concentrate really hard on something, like reading or doing math homework. I never knew, my brother ended up pointing it out to me!

treelessbark · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done the typical “thank you for calling (pizza place I work at), can I take your order” on my cellphone.

1noriko · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked a kilometer to the train while playing with my car keys

lawlolawl144 · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm really late to this thread but recently I pulled a big dumby move on autopilot.

I ordered some food and a small frosty at Wendy's, cause I deserved it after a long day! The cupholders in my car were full, so I drove up to the garbage can, opened my door and half-tossed what was in my hand into the garbage. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I threw out my Frosty and not an old cup. I was unreasonably upset lmao.

sharmuelle · 1 points · Posted at 08:29:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Booty

-give-me-my-wings- · 1 points · Posted at 08:30:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at [fast-food place]. Huge competitor is across the street. I answer the drive-thru the other evening:

Me: Thank you for choosing [Competitor's], can i take your order?"

Also me: "uhhhhh, i mean [workplace]....sorry, i worked there for 3 years, you didn't actually turn the wrong direction...."

shesinadeadfunk · 1 points · Posted at 08:30:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was about 16, I was out for dinner with a group of family friends (aka my parents’ friends) having just come home from spending the weekend with my boyfriend where we’d been very tactile with each other, as bf and gf’s usually are. Suddenly one of my parents more awkward, reserved friends who was sitting to the right of me pulled back and exclaimed ‘what’s going on here?!’ And in horror I realised I had been absentmindedly stroking and playing with his bare arm!! I was on auto pilot from the weekend (not even looking in his direction) and he is the last person you would ever be tactile with....I was mortified! To shake his hand as a greeting would have been weird, he just didn’t do touching and was extremely socially awkward/stiff upper lip British 50+ year old and the person I knew least of the group. Safe to say my cheeks were beetroot red as I tried to apologise and explain.

I also once sat on the tube for a good 8 minutes thinking I was leaning against the glass that sometimes separates the chairs at the end of the row but realised I was, in fact, just leaning my entire body weight on a total stranger, when the ‘glass’ gave way and moved.....so much confusion and embarrassment in such a short space of time while trying to pretend it never happened and keep chatting normally to my friend until we got off.

TLDR: Awkward British girl accidentally and inappropriately touching and leaning on other awkward British people I don’t know.

disguisedboast · 1 points · Posted at 08:30:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to deliver parcels and I usually got people to sign then ask for their name when I gave them the parcel, I got really used to that, then for some odd reason I started to read the name the parcel was addressed to and said “Hi I’ve got a parcel for x”then some times they would respond “yep that’s me” then I got them to sign for it and automatically asked them for their name. It was awkward times.

lil_esidisi · 1 points · Posted at 08:30:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teacher at prom: "Good luck with the final exam!" Me: "You too." I didn't even realise and we laughed about it afterwards when she told me.

Mine_Menace · 1 points · Posted at 08:30:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid I threw my underpants in the toilet and flushed. It took a minute for me to realize that they weren’t going down and that they didn’t belong in there. I fished them out and they were fine, if completely soaked.

cf0791 · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I pipet in the lab sometimes I throw away the tube with my sample instead of the tip of the pipette. Duh.

XyellownectarineX · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking through the supermarket with my daughter, I was holding my phone in my hand with the shopping list open. Then I freak out and jump, look at her and go "shit I think I left the phone in the car, what if it gets stolen?" She's like "mum.. It's in your hand".

noahdarkz · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took chopsticks for soup

hash_salts · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Killed a bicyclist.

MonariIV · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my apartment door with my work access card...

LesserTrochanter · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my colleagues did this one.

999 ambulance control, our job is very scripted and protocol driven. One of the first questions we ask is "ok tell me exactly what happened", then we question the caller to determine what sort of/priority response they require. After that it's "we're organising help for you now, stay on the line and I'll tell you exactly what to do next" and some instructions to help while waiting for an ambulance.

One quiet night shift one of my colleagues managed to come out with:

EMD: ok, tell me exactly what to do next? Caller: wat EMD: ok tell me exactly what to do next. Tell me exactly what happened? Carry on like nothing out of the ordinary just happened

We all listened back to the call and mocked him mercilessly.

KamehameNah96 · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waitress “Here you go enjoy your meal” me “thanks you too”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:31:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was high but still. I went to light a candle by turning my phone flashlight on at the candle

Hockeyjockey58 · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I get in bed after a long day of driving at work I make the motion of taking my keys out of the ignition

BAREFOOTPigs · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today I woke up at my normal time and started changinf for school. On a Saturday. On Christmas break...

SadMexicanCheesecake · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into the kitchen and almost poured myself a bowl of Dr. Pepper while my family was having dinner

FlyingMathGeek · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have poured hot coffee into my Cheerios for breakfast. Doesn’t quite taste like milk.

UnlicensedParalegal · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in grade 4, I was walking from my school to my house. I was day dreaming and was on Auto Pilot. When I snapped out of it, my sisters were frantically screaming what is wrong with me. Turns out while on Auto Pilot, I rammed right into this huge dude and bodied him. The guy apparently was cursing so much and ended up just brushing it off saying "fucking little kid". I did not even remember bumping into a huge dude let alone anyone at all. Apparently it just seemed like I didn't give a shit and kept walking. I was so worried that the guy was going to chase me down and beat me up after they told me lol.

Skepticbrah18 · 1 points · Posted at 08:32:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was around 13 I was In my room smoking weed out of a bowl. In one hand I had my pipe, the other, my drink. So I wanted to take a drink but instead I put the pipe up to my mouth and titled my head back expecting some Mountain Dew.

That was the only time I have ever done that.

lazykid · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'll answer people truthfully when they ask me if their a good person. Never turns out well.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Today my co-worker made a pizza without the meat.

The pizza was a calabrese. Hot salami, olives, cheese, and sauce. Skipped 25% of the ingredients.

In her defense, she just finished a crazy rush so anyone in the service or kitchen industry will know, your brain turns to mush after a rush.

b0ingy · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

got on the subway to go home. Pulled out my book for the 45 minute ride home. Didn’t reeaaally pay attention to where the train was because it was a really good book, and I got off at the last stop. after a while the train stopped in a station and just sat there. It didn’t bother me, it was late enough that that shit sometimes happens.

5-10 minutes later the doors close. Then the lights turn off. That got my attention. 45 minutes later I was able to flag down an MTA worker and he let me off the train. I had gone to the last stop alright. the OTHER last stop. 2 hours later I got home.

SpxUmadBroYolo · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking to someone and go to take a sip of soda (20oz Coke bottle) without removing the lid and just sitting there for that moment with the cap in your mouth. As you both lock eyes as you realize what's happening. Yeah the awkwardness of pulling it down from my face was priceless.

DonjorgeHH · 1 points · Posted at 08:33:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Open candy, toss the candy and put the wrapper in my mouth. Has happened a couple of times.

TraderJoesDunkers · 1 points · Posted at 08:34:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Start thinking about my day while beating my meat. It feels like I’m beating my meat to the events of my day and yeah it gets weird so I have to pause at times. No jokes.

pookiesma · 1 points · Posted at 08:34:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answering phone calls with "Thank you for calling.. " I trail off once I realize I'm not a place.

Terminian · 1 points · Posted at 08:34:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my house front door (traditional key/lock door) with my work scan pass infront of a date.... sober-ish

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:34:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used shampoo as face wash while showering. The bottles don’t even look similar and were on different shelves.

open_thoughts · 1 points · Posted at 08:35:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mate asked me to take the bins down after crashing at his place one morning.

I was 5 minutes down the road before I realised I was still holding them...

sh4hb4z · 1 points · Posted at 08:36:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once filled up at a fuel station and put in exactly £20 worth of fuel.

Headed over to the cashier and handed over a £20 note...

Stood there waiting for change.

Cashier looked at me and I smiled back a couple of times thinking why they taking so long to give my change... then I clicked.

I quickly made my way out whilst apologising to the cashier and the queue of people behind me.

I pay by card only now.

beleeze · 1 points · Posted at 08:36:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When food tastes really good or if I am really hungry I eat like the "Tanzanian devil" from looney toons cartoon. I become at one with food, nothing else matters and I forget where I am

I started a new job in a another city. I was sitting with one of my assistants going through how we can make improvements in there work that morning. It had been a looong day and I had forgotten to eat and was starving. I had great food with me (as I take in homemade food with me most of the time) and I decided to warm it and eat it at desk.

I started eating and it was both delicious and I was super hungry that i went into the Tanzanian devil mode. I was grunting, face in it, slurping etc when a few minutes in a realised I am not alone and not at home. I look up and in front of me my assistant's mouth was open staring at me with utter shock.

I said "Im so so sorry!" (Am British and apologising at everything is a very British thing to do) and I explained to her that's how I eat

-KT · 1 points · Posted at 08:36:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

All right so I work with disabled people; some are more high-functioning than others. This one client I was working with was right in the middle, like eight or nine mentally. I had heard about her family and her cousins coming over, what she had for breakfast, and how waking up is hard upwards of seven times before even leaving the house. After the second mention I would zone out of the conversation and just throw in the casual "yeah", "wow", "that's crazy", or say something outlandish that would get a laugh. On this particular day we were walking to mini golf, and I zoned back into the conversation in time to hear her say something about wrestling with a bunch of boys. This was at the stage in my routine where I'd say something outlandish, so on autopilot I go*
me: wrestling, wow. Which ones are you gonna flirst with ?
her: they're my cousins!

josesl16 · 1 points · Posted at 08:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my underwear into the trash bin instead of the laundry basket.

Also, I was bringing fruits to be eaten later from downstairs once, I put in my phone that was on the other hand instead and went back into my bedroom. Couldn't find my phone until I asked my sister to call it, but at least it was nice and chilly when I got it back.

jobdone01 · 1 points · Posted at 08:36:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

last night I put cash in to the bank account. I thought the machine ate my card. turns ou I had taken it and put it in my wallet and forgotten. scary stuff.

havocLSD · 1 points · Posted at 08:37:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a husband I open my wife's driver side door for her to get in when we go for drives. One day I was out of class with my best friend walking to his car and we were talking before we stopped and looked at eachother realizing I had opened his driver side door and he had gotten in before we both snapped back into reality.

picoduhguyo1 · 1 points · Posted at 08:37:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a cart pusher at a grocery store. On my day off I went to buy groceries and as soon as I got out of my car, I started corralling carts and started pushing them to the front. After about 1 and a half rows I finally realized that I wasn’t even supposed to be working.

tiddlesmaster · 1 points · Posted at 08:37:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as a barista/manager at my local cafe. We have a safe in our work and when locking up we put the key to our safe/cafe in our paper docket printer, and when opening the store we take it out again.

Wasn't until I was closing at the end of the day when I went to put the cash in the safe that I noticed the key was missing. Spent an hour searching for it when I realised that in the morning in my half awake state, I had put the key back into the printer.

Aaaaaaand had thrown it in the bin with the nearly empty paper roll I had changed later that day.

Spent another hour searching every black garbage bag in the mall's trash room for that goddam key and never found it. It just so happened it was the only key the boss had to the safe. Not my proudest work moment by far...

wefearchange · 1 points · Posted at 08:37:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Probably just falling asleep or going for a snack or to use the loo. #PilotLyfe

Majestic_Fish · 1 points · Posted at 08:38:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to put my shoes in the fridge.

trileyo · 1 points · Posted at 08:38:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just blown my nose next to the toilet, had tissue in the one hand, my phone in the other. I then casually proceeded to throw my phone in the toilet and put the tissue in my pocket. I was about to flush before I realised...

war15111 · 1 points · Posted at 08:38:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Multiple times I have answered my home phone and my cell phone with my workplace greeting dialog.

On multiple occasions the person on the other end of the line was my boss or a coworker.

Originalusername29 · 1 points · Posted at 08:39:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working on a school project and I had my headphones unplugged beside me and an empty electrical socket behind the monitor. I stuck the headphones in the socket and caused the house to black out...I didn't save my file so I had to start the project again

Deglo · 1 points · Posted at 08:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when my phone battery is really low, I’ll drive my car like I’m really low on gas

1noriko · 1 points · Posted at 08:39:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"ITG, how may i help you?" I was home.

ColeWRS · 1 points · Posted at 08:39:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often forget if I stopped at a stop sign after passing one. I'm sure I do, but I'm so used to stopping that I don't even think about it.

Alleyvvay · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into a restaurant, and went to a counter and waited for 2-3 minutes before one of the employees asked if I need help with something. I replied "Where is the register to order?". My dumb ass thought I was in a fast food place.

jemmemo · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told this some time ago.

Had an earpod in one hand and a pea on the other. Almost put a pea in my ear...

soheilhme · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ride attendant at six flags: - enjoy your ride Sir. - thanks, you too. Everytime...

beach-bay · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Any parking spot I back out of I automatically grab my garage remote to shut the non existent garage.

TheFullstop · 1 points · Posted at 08:40:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once talking to my dad, me being about 10 or 11 at the time, in the kitchen. I had just come downstairs from getting changed and In the middle of conversation decided to pants myself and stand there unknowing of the situation for around 3 minutes. Not my proudest moment.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw granola bar in the garbage and kept the wrapper

AllOrNothing21 · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bit the tv remote when a candy bar was in my other hand once. Luckily no one saw

Desert-Jungle · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Parked my car at Chinese place and went to order food. Came out and walked to blocks to my house, trying to open the door, only to remember that I actually went by car this time not walking. So yeah I had walk back and get the car. :/

al_coast2 · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Signed off an important work phone call saying “Bye love you”.

FoodOnCrack · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Spread peanut butter on my phone during lunch at work.

docvolcano · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This is gonna hurt.

A kid I used to work with and I were talking. I asked what his dad did for a living. He said he died.... I froze up and said, “that’s cool”

Yup.

xrwsx · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I reached for and grabbed my SO’s friend’s boob. Right in front of my SO. I was used to sometimes just squeezing my SO’s boob like it was normal but right as I grabbed the friend’s boob my eyes went wide and I realized what horrible mistake I’d made

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a nightshift I was so tired, I remember walking to the bus stop to get my bus then I was home. I had managed to get two buses after my shift home and I didn't remember the journey at all, sleep deprived and on autopilot, really scary 😴

amadpenguin8433 · 1 points · Posted at 08:41:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was washing the dishes and tried to place the sponge in the dish rack and the dish in the sponge rack. Only realised a minute later

tallvish · 1 points · Posted at 08:42:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up one morning and wanted some breakfast. Get out the cereal and milk. Open a kitchen cupboard and get out a glass. This has happened more than once.

camburd · 1 points · Posted at 08:42:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge.

JMAIK · 1 points · Posted at 08:42:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I blow on my ice cream to cool it down

ShadowCory1101 · 1 points · Posted at 08:43:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once spent a 15 minute call with my best friend asking if he remembered where i last had my phone when he was over earlier that day.

marshall_sin · 1 points · Posted at 08:43:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve done this several times, I’m a cashier and when I go to another grocery store I’ll get the scripts switched. You know, I’ll be in line to buy food and will ask the cashier if they found everything okay.

plskillme666 · 1 points · Posted at 08:43:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to sweep the parking lot of the restaurant I work at and grabbed two dust pants but didn’t realize until I was outside and tried to sweep..

Yeet-Ur-Meat · 1 points · Posted at 08:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green while completely sober.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:43:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure I have done the weirdest and derpiest things on Autopilot but I don't remember any of them.

oroborometer · 1 points · Posted at 08:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've thrown away my wallet and pocketed trash twice.

GyroTech · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I first moved away from home as a uni student, I got into the habit of "winning" a loosing argument by jokingly declaring that the other person sucked cock.

On a trip home I got into a loosing argument with my own mother. In front of half the family.

Tink_650 · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

(Posted to wrong place, again)

everythingperish77 · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I watered a toilet.

mmdeerblood · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Checking out at a grocery store /cafe get my receipt/change -Thanks! -You’re welcome. -Thanks you too! cringe

renen2 · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempted to "unlock" the crosswalk with my metro travel funds-card

lvlz_gg · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I ordered pizza once and when the delivery guy arrived and said "bon apetit" i said "you too" lol

ashleywhoa · 1 points · Posted at 08:44:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late post but i once got home from work and went to the fridge to grab a beer. Opened it and walked into my bedroom. I had my phone in my hand and went to throw it on my bed and set my beer down on the nightstand. Nope. Hands did opposite. I watched beer soak into my sheets for a solid 10 seconds before i could react.

littlewizard123 · 1 points · Posted at 08:45:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often try to take my glasses off even when they’re already off. And I’m practically blind.

Bruciesballs666 · 1 points · Posted at 08:45:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open my house with my car key.

Culinarytracker · 2 points · Posted at 08:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It started up, so I drove it around for a while.

MrFisheye · 1 points · Posted at 08:46:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a sales/fundraising job and I'm required to approach everyone in a shopping centre and occasionally when someone walk a around the corner I'm about to go around I'll say "Hey, how are you today?" Most of the time the they look at me really confused like they're supposed to know me, but sometimes it turns into a good convo

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:46:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often giggle so I don't have to answer someone and one day my mom told me that grandpa died and guess what I did, well fuck

phantompath · 1 points · Posted at 08:46:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to swipe into my apartment with my work security pass. My apartment door uses a key.

maksjl01 · 1 points · Posted at 08:47:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the Airport with my family and we were all getting food after we checked our bags in. We all met at the bottom of the escalator after going separate places for food then since I always assume my mum has extra bags I saw a suitcase right beside me and started to wheel it up the escalator. It was only up until I started hearing shouted I looked around and there was a lady shouting at me at the bottom because apparently I had just walked up to her and started to wheel off her suitcase.

kuato69 · 1 points · Posted at 08:47:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After making a cup of tea I tried to put the kettle in the fridge thinking it was the milk

No_Clue_22 · 1 points · Posted at 08:47:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I (26F) slapped a male work colleague on the ass. I do it all the time to my bf at home so when said colleague walked past me in the break room it was like a reflex.

yaboi921 · 1 points · Posted at 08:48:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up in the morning and went down as usual to make my cereal. Ended up pouring orange juice into my Coco Pops. Managed to realise halfway through and poured milk in but it was still inedible. Had to throw it away.

drwogpole · 1 points · Posted at 08:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I go out to eat, and someone asks would you like x on your item, I'll say yeah sure, since I like having more stuff on my food. The other day at subway they asked me "would you like whole wheat or white bread" and I just replied with "Yeah sure"

lykaboss10 · 1 points · Posted at 08:48:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Im an Australian woman. Last night I apparantly burped really loudly and said "'Struth" and my brother started laughing. I actully had no idea what he was talking about when he told me why he was laughing and I don't usually use the phrase. I guess some things are generic 😂

sjc720 · 1 points · Posted at 08:48:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a like a 2-week span where the only female I interacted/made any type of physical contact with was my girlfriend.

Go home for the weekend.

See Mom. Hug Mom.

Kissed her on the lips out of habit.

notrachale · 1 points · Posted at 08:49:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been up all night with the baby. When the alarm on my phone went off in the morning, I cradled the phone in my arm and tried to soothe it back to sleep.

leafthetrees · 1 points · Posted at 08:49:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tossed my phone in the bin instead of my empty coffee cup -.-

BARK_BARK_FOR_PIGS · 1 points · Posted at 08:49:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ok one time i put a pen between my teeth so i could unbutton and pee in the urinal at work. Coworker says something so I try to respond, but the pen falls out of my mouth. I reflexively try to catch it... directly into my pee stream. Peed all over my hand in front of a coworker

sdg2502 · 1 points · Posted at 08:49:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled up in a petrol station, got out my car, filled my tank, went inside and paid, came back out and said “Good morning” to the person at the pump next to me, noted the car behind me waiting to get into my spot and climbed into the passenger seat.

I sat there for a minute before I realised I was the only person in the car and was of course the driver then was too embarrassed to get back out and walk round the car so I climbed across the centre console to get back into the drivers seat and then drove off with the person at the next pump looking at me strangely.

shapesofRed · 1 points · Posted at 08:50:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago, almost to the day, I attempted to wear my glasses over my contacts...

I had taken a nap at 4pm the day before and hadn't been woken for dinner or anything, so I naturally woke up the next morning and attmpted to put my glasses on, not realizing that I awoke being able to see, my eyesight is really terrible (cataracts run in the family and so does really bad vision...) , so I naturally put my glasses on. Every thing was frosted over, like looking through frosted paned glass, so I took them off.

I realized that I could see again, so I put my glasses on, because I assumed that they must have been why I was seeing, saw the frosted glass and took my glasses off realizing that I could in fact SEE without my glasses, then realized that I fell asleep wearing my contacts, an irregular occurrence.

Jacks_Nipples · 1 points · Posted at 08:50:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always click my key fob in order to lock my car doors once I exit and close them. I sometimes catch myself trying to lock the refrigerator or front door by clicking the lock button on the key fob.

My dad works graveyards and sometimes comes home extremely tired. One time he sat on the couch, picked up the TV remote, and tried making a phone call. He couldn't understand why he wasn't hearing anything.

akdiver_dan · 1 points · Posted at 08:50:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During dessert after a nice hot meal, I blew on a spoon full of ice cream to cool it down.

SleepingBeastie · 1 points · Posted at 08:50:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I part-time at Chipotle, and there have been too many times where I've asked "mild, medium or hot salsa for you?" when they first get in line... And if they want "white or brown rice?" when we get to the salsa part...

samwamalama · 1 points · Posted at 08:51:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unwrapped candy. Ate the wrapper.

ElizeLin · 1 points · Posted at 08:51:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I agreed with my friend to meet up with him at a train station before getting on the train to go to our destination. I was kind of put of it that day and travelled all the way to the station just fine.... And got on the train before I met my friend.

salmonraindrop · 1 points · Posted at 08:52:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked out of a Subway shop once at like 9 or 10 am? Idr the exact time, but it was early. I was grabbing a sandwich to take to work. After stepping out I pulled my car keys out of my pocket, and clicked lock two or three times point the keys at the door. My car behind me at this point beeped loudly three times, scared the crap out of me, and everybody inside(by everybody I mean like 3 employees) lost it, and started laughing. I moved about 3 weeks later, and haven't set foot in there since.

rosie-skies · 1 points · Posted at 08:52:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m in college studying to become an elementary/primary school teacher.

As some teachers may know, there are so many techniques you can use to get your students back on task or for them to pay attention to you (clapping rhythms, certain phrases you say and they repeat back to you, etc).

One of these techniques would be (teacher) “Class Class?” and the response is (students) “Yes Yes”.

I had a very long day. I was very tired, so I was not thinking clearly. So when my professor (who uses different techniques like this one to educate us) said “Class Class?” I said, quite loudly “Hello!”.

Everyone heard it, it was quite embarrassing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:52:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often answer my cellphone with my "work introduction" just because im so used to doing that

mcsteady · 1 points · Posted at 08:53:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Set off to work. Turned up to my previous work place where I hadn’t worked for 4 months and didn’t realise until I arrived at the car park! In my defence I used to pick up someone on route to the new job who lived on a similar route to my previous workplace.

OJH06 · 1 points · Posted at 08:53:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered my phone asking if I could take their order.

ukfi · 1 points · Posted at 08:54:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i used to take the London underground from my house to London bridge for work for nearly ten years.

then i quit and moved to other jobs which involves driving to places outside London for couple of years.

one day, i was supposed to meet my friend in central London for a drink. i jumped on the tube and somehow my brain just kicked into auto pilot. i changed train couple of times on auto pilot and found myself at London bridge without thinking. i was not meeting my friend at London bridge!

citygrrrl03 · 1 points · Posted at 08:55:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spent a lot of time in Turkey as a kid, where they kiss on both cheeks. Then I’m dating an Ecuadorian. I meet his Dad for the first time. It turns out they only kiss one cheek. After the first kiss, I boldly dive for the second: which is where his lips and bushy mustache lay. He’s staring at me bewildered. I am speechless. Awkward city.

acornmoose · 1 points · Posted at 08:55:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mum was supposed to be driving me to school and ended up driving to work despite me loudly protesting that she was going the wrong way

ANmXeImEeTsY · 1 points · Posted at 08:55:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had some rubbish and recently bought coke (the drink) in my hands and was going to throw the rubbish out, ended up throwing the COMPLETELY FULL coke bottle in the bin and tried to take a sip of pure rubbish (which ended up with me cronching some rubbish, scrumptious)

Jimo_zek · 1 points · Posted at 08:55:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I feel overly emotional, nervous or awkward I make a random sound or animal noise (mostly a bird screeching). Its like I'm letting the emotion escape, I've gotten better at doing it on the down low while in public.

pixelfox01 · 1 points · Posted at 08:55:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Searched for the power button to turn on the screen... In a book

xwishfulx · 1 points · Posted at 08:56:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at chili’s but now work at Applebee’s and there have been quite a few times I’ve said “hi, welcome to chili’s” instead of Applebee’s 🤷‍♀️

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was still framing houses we were building a complex which was 20-30 homes, we only had 3 floor plans for the entire complex. One of the house an owner/investor bought had made huge changes to the house and I was issued a reprint of the floor plan. Being that we only had 3 blueprints I had them memorized and built the house the way it was origanally supposed to be. I had to go back after the house was completely built and change it...

Swiatek7 · 1 points · Posted at 08:56:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Did not happen to me, but to my workmate. He came to work as usual and seemed to be just a little bit suprised when other workmate asked him if he didn't take day off for that day, which he indeed did and apparently forgot about it and automatically came to work.

pseudoNeo · 1 points · Posted at 08:56:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

On student exchange in Paris. Waiter takes my order in restaurant.

“Merci. Au revoir.”

Another: Drove back to my office on a Friday night to hang out with friends after work, instead of their apartment.

b-t-a · 1 points · Posted at 08:56:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Multiple times, making a sandwich, after using the mayo, put it in the microwave. Found it 12 hours later soiled many a times.

flippant_gibberish · 1 points · Posted at 08:57:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couple days ago I was taking off my climbing gear by a cubby in the gym. Forgot I wasn't in the locker room and popped off my shirt next. It is socially acceptable to be shirtless in a gym, though less popular recently, but mind you I'm not in the best shape and almost kept going. Reminded me of GOB's hot cops tho.

ManiAxer · 1 points · Posted at 08:57:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was washing the dishes at home and i hear a "Hello?" from outside (neighbor trying to get my attention so I would open up, without thinking i just said "Hello!" back and continued doing what I was doing, I realised like a 1min later and opened up.

Josh72112 · 1 points · Posted at 08:58:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a cheeto in my right hand, had my headphone in the left.

Put the cheeto in my ear, put my headphone in my mouth.

obliviious · 1 points · Posted at 08:58:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad was once asked to put a fresh loaf of bread in the bin, so he went and put it in the bin outside.

PoiLethe · 1 points · Posted at 08:58:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work we shout behind or corner. I do that at the store a lot. Also there are some doors you knock on before going in because you cant see if someone is behind them. So I find myself knocking on all doors, even the ones with glass that I can see.

At home I read ebooks and physical books. Sometimes I try to swipe a page, turn a ebook page, and scroll an ebook. Sometimes I try swiping an article.

open_thoughts · 1 points · Posted at 08:58:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to scroll a book

apyrcykablyat · 1 points · Posted at 08:58:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brother sneezed and I " 'scuse me"-ed

totally_gone · 1 points · Posted at 08:58:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a nursery and I also have a 3 year old myself. One of the kids in my nursery is also 3, is there full time and reminds me of my child a lot. I think I spend more time a week with the child at my nursery than I do with my own child. I’ve started getting their names the wrong way round. A lot.

manamanope · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked two years as a cashier and would routinely wake myself up in the night by smacking my hand against the wall as I scanned items in my sleep. I've also woken up completely pissed off at customers from a dream.

ThetrueGizmo · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was brushing my teeth and wanted to throw my towel into the laundry basket. Well, I threw my towel into the sink and spit into the laundry basket.

Also on another morning I made myself some coffee and a glass of water. I poured the milk into the water and wondered the whole time why the coffee was so bitter.

chardan15 · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a cashier, and we normally start a transaction by taking the customers phone number and then start ringing things up. If me and the customer are having a conversation, I’ll sometimes skip it and go back to it after I’ve rung everything up. But then I’ll have a brain fart and start ringing everything up AGAIN

stridingwolf · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was asked to go get bread and milk from the store. Walked straight in the store grabbed a bottle of Dr pepper, payed and left. Walked to my house door before I realised what I done.

anonymoose42069 · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve definitely left cereal boxes in the fridge more than a couple times

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but I read a blog post where this guy was straining pasta and on auto pilot he thought a great way to save time would be to pour the pot of pasta into the strainer before he got to the sink. Boiling hot water on his feet and floor, and total embarrassment.

elfstarlight · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

the amount of times i have used my dirty laundry basket as a rubbish bin.......

AnPocha · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was paying for my groceries why the person ahead of me dropped some change. My boyfriend picked it up to return it to the person and realized it was a penny.

asongbirdsings · 1 points · Posted at 08:59:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This story needs a little context, bear with me.

Back when I used to work in fast food, I used to carry our table-washing/sanitizing cloths by their corner in my back pocket (we would tie a knot in one corner of the cloth and that's what I'd tuck while I've got my hands free to load trays up. I'd stack the trays onto one arm and then reach around with my free hand to wipe the tables, then repeat until all was clear) as I went out into the lobby. The buckets we kept them in were behind the counter on stools about shin height. This was also about in the same area as we kept steel drop boxes for bills larger than $10 because we were not allowed to keep them in the till.

I'm doing my thing in the lobby when a customer comes in. I greet them, go back behind the counter and wash my hands, returning to serve them. They pay with a $20, so it goes into the drop box. Transaction complete, I move to drop the cloth from my back pocket into the bucket. However, I hadn't "dropped" the $20 yet so it got ceremoniously hurled into a bucket of sanitizing solution. I stood there staring at it feeling like the biggest idiot.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Love it

Dartagnan_w_Powers · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've killed 2 phones by putting them in the fridge. I don't know why I do this.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went into my roommate's room and proceeded to have a few puffs of his joint while I watched him game. While I am explaining some story which I don't recall I proceeded to open up a large container of honey his mother gave him and ashed the joint into it. I remember just continuing my story nonchalantly and him, while in-game playing LoL, just turning his computer chair slowly with a bewildered look on his face, and just staring at me until I eventually realised what the fuck I did.. Was pretty full retard.

Old_Boy07 · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a plugged in charger into my mouth and got a lil electric shock on my younger , I've done it twice

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband doesn't drive so I drop him off to work when our schedules work out for it. His stop is on the way to my job so it works out a lot of the time, usually when I pick him up.

This morning was my only opening shift for the week and the night before had been rough (I'm a cook). So I ended up making the turn to my husband's job by accident this morning. The worst part is I didn't even realize it until I'd finished the turn so I didn't realize it the whole while I was sitting at the light to turn left.

Luckily I always leave early

nousernameslef · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to take the trash out. I came back with the trash still with me

tjoolder · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

once i had a tune in my head while in class. i did the melody with my breathing, which made me look like an asthma-something

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:00:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents woke me up on like Christmas Eve night after I was taking a nap for dessert or something and were like “ hey buddy it’s time for school” I immediately got up, started stripping and hopped in the bath

datkilledme · 1 points · Posted at 09:01:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pre smartphone days. Texting on your Nokia phone was the in thing those days. I was working on a flowchart. Instead of typing "start", typed P four times. Realised. Looked over at my friend who was already across the hall laughing and screaming what he had just witnessed.

NeverSaidImSmart · 1 points · Posted at 09:01:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Delivery driver comes to my door.

Driver: Heres your food, enjoy!

Me: You too!

Also me: Slams door in drivers face "Oh God, What have i done"

ElMechacontext · 1 points · Posted at 09:01:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving home pretty exhausted after final exams with a very loud, talkative friend in the passenger seat. I instinctively lowered the volume on my car radio. She was not amused.

freenadd · 1 points · Posted at 09:01:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work nightshift for a postal company, and when i get home from work I usually got straight to bed. Got in, went to bed (was still dark out), and forgot I had set alarm for laundry. Alarm rings, I get up from bed and get dressed. Head out the front door fully clothed and ready to go to work, realise it's bright outside. Wtf? I look at watch.....I.....go back inside. Slept 10 min.

ashwill45 · 1 points · Posted at 09:01:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating a bag of peanut M&Ms and almost accidentally ate my earbud. One time I was painting and drinking tea and I accidentally drank from the paint brush cup

No_Platform_Andy · 1 points · Posted at 09:01:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Guy who sells tickets "Enjoy the show sir"

Me "You too"

R4y3r · 1 points · Posted at 09:01:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I was wanted a snack so I got a bag of chips but instead of pouring it in a bowl like I usually do, I got a glass and poured them in there like an idiot.

themadcheshire · 1 points · Posted at 09:02:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once making cereal and processed to grab the box of cereal and put it in the fridge. I grabbed my bowl and walked away before realizing I put the cereal in the fridge and not the milk.

cruisysooz · 1 points · Posted at 09:02:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pushed the ground button in a lift when already on the ground floor. There were people in the lift and one in particular who watched me do it a couple of times and did nothing but stare at me... It's happened a couple of times now...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm 16 at the time, and I lost my glasses..I go ask my mom for help. I can't see right I lost them I tell her. She helps me destroy the house for a good hour...Before we realize I'm wearing them

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:03:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was spending the night at my aunts house when I was a kid and they had the toilet paper roll on the back of the toilet and not on the holder. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and picked up the roll, tore off a sheet of paper but then proceeded to wipe with the whole roll (instead of the couple sheets) and throw it in the toilet.

Yawheyy · 1 points · Posted at 09:03:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Enjoy your meal, thanks for coming to McDonalds”

“Thanks, you too..”

-__-

OntheLtrain · 1 points · Posted at 09:03:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw out my credit card in a random trash bin while walking home, instead of tossing a receipt. Got home and realized what I had done but I had NO idea which bin it would have been.

No problem. I can get a new one in a few days and didn't really need one at the moment.

Got the new credit card, absentmindedly went to throw my spam mail out in my trash, sat down, went to order delivery...... Realized I fucking threw my credit card out again. Fortunately, it had been in my own bin.

ElVV1N · 1 points · Posted at 09:03:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my phone in the trash can. Never got it back

jinxedbeing · 1 points · Posted at 09:04:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to open my apartment building with my Oyster Card. I use London transport way too much in my everyday working week.

oniann · 1 points · Posted at 09:04:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend got pulled over by the cops one day for running a red light. - In his home town there was a train track on the road. whenever a train would pass through the stop light would turn red and those bars would come down and when the train passed through those bars would come up and the light would turn green. There was also a train track on the road near our college but it didnt work the same way as the one in his hometown did. The light didnt always turn green after those bars came up. And one day he was in auto pilot mode, saw those bars come up, and just drove straight through a red light. There was a cop directly behind him, who then proceeded to pull him over. Unfortunately for my friend he was a minor driving with opened bottles of alcohol and weed in his car. This happened within the first month of us attending college, needles to say his parents werent hppy about it

Saffrwok · 1 points · Posted at 09:04:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

New parent brain is a killer. Drove to the shops to get something for the new baby. Completely forgot that I had driven there, walked home and didn't realise until three hours later when we were about to leave to go visit the in-laws. Awkward

Smalltimemisfit · 1 points · Posted at 09:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Do the customer service "have a nice day!" When I want to end narrative with strangers or even family. Sometimes i'll say it mid conversation because my attention went somewhere else. I mean the full fake smile and wave as well.

I'm an npc.

nipplotapos · 1 points · Posted at 09:04:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once my aunt started to make a sandwich and catched herself cutting the ham sausage into small cubes like she did for years for her cat, who died two years before that.

Sir_Dimos · 1 points · Posted at 09:04:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in middle school I had some sort of crafts homework/project. I spaced out and cut a vertical line down each of my eyebrows with the scissors. I legitimately didn't realize that I had done it until I went downstairs for dinner and my mom noticed.

My mom tried penciling in the hole my eyebrows for the next day at school, which went well up until P.E. class when I started to sweat...

Yeah, try explaining to a bunch of 13 year old boys that you wore makeup to school to cover the fact that you can't be trusted with a pair of scissors. Also, eyebrows take super fucking long to grow back.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:04:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work in fast food. As a cashier on my retail job, when the guest came to my register, I asked, "How can I help you?"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:05:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the electric kettle on the stove in the morning to make coffee

barholiousthegreat · 1 points · Posted at 09:06:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Mercedes, so when I hop in my car to go home I forget I’m driving a pos and turn my windshield wipers on thinking I’m putting my car in drive. Mercedes has their gear selector on the right of the steering wheel.

glitterycats · 1 points · Posted at 09:06:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working at the cash register at Jo ann Fabrics. A customer came to the counter.

Me: How are you today?

Her: good, thank you. You?

Me:. Good, thanks. How are you today?

Her: wtf, you just asked that stare.

Me: mortified silent stare.

No more words are shared through the remainder of the transaction.

Auto pilot nightmare.

VikingTeddy · 1 points · Posted at 09:07:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Running to catch the bus, I accidentally threw my bag into the communal trash bin and was left holding a garbage bag.

The problem was that these bins are huge and over halfway in to the ground so I couldn't just dive in, I wouldn't have been able to climb out.

I had to wait until the following morning for the collectors to come and explain the situation. It only slightly helped to hear that this happens from time to time.

Husker9121 · 1 points · Posted at 09:07:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wake up in the morning (feelin’ like P-Diddy) and go to the Keurig. Turn it on. Grab K-Cup and stick it in. Wait for it to warm up. Press the brew button... all good right? Wrong

I turned around to grab the creamer from the fridge and by the time I had turned back there was coffee all over the counter and floor because I didn’t put a mug under the dispenser.

Synthetic1122 · 1 points · Posted at 09:08:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a really good sandwich the night before work and wrap it nicely. The lunch break tomorrow, I unwrapped my sandwich and threw it into the bin and bit into the wrapping. It was the most tragic day at work so far.

Wolfmilf · 1 points · Posted at 09:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finally something I can answer!

Once, when we were in 3rd grade, me and the rest of the boys in the class were in the changing room getting ready for swim class.

I guess I was a pretty slow kid. Today I'd say I was ostensibly a bit autistic. While all the other guys were in the showers, I went in and turned on my shower head.

They started laughing at me. It took me a good 5 seconds to realize, I was still in my t-shirt.

Being an asocial little shit, I spent the rest of the class nagging about how I couldn't wear my wet t-shirt and I was afraid to walk around without it.

Zakoovius · 1 points · Posted at 09:08:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into bathroom and then proceeded to lift the lid of my washing basket and began urinating into it ...... serious

hiddenburritos · 1 points · Posted at 09:09:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ITT: people are easily influenced by the things they're exposed to everyday

Newton_101 · 1 points · Posted at 09:09:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but a guy in my office starts nodding his head gesturing "yes" if you just call him..guy wouldn't even listen before saying yes to everything.

photoframes · 1 points · Posted at 09:10:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Found marmite in the fridge.

cletus86 · 1 points · Posted at 09:10:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving home from work once around 10pm... now I'm not 100% sure what happened, Either I stopped at the red light, it went green and I just sat there and didn't notice until about 30 seconds later... Or I stopped at the light when it was green.. Either way I'm glad no one was behind me

Umbreonnnnn · 1 points · Posted at 09:11:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but I work in a psych hospital and sometimes I try to unlock my front door with the facility key...

WaspHive · 1 points · Posted at 09:11:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a pot of coffee and instead of pouring the water into the reservoir, I put the carafe (water and all) onto the warming tray and turned the coffee pot on.

teetertodder · 2 points · Posted at 09:40:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making coffee is almost always a pre-coffee process. All mistakes are forgiven.

Ethosa3 · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It was my birthday, so I had a lot of those "Happy birthday!" messages. I accidentally replied a "Thanks, you too!" to one person. It wasn't their birthday.

C0rvettec3 · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My gf got me into the habit of locking the car when I was learning to drive. I got my liscence and on the first solo trip to the gas station, I filled up and realized I had locked myself out of my own car. Was a hillarous embarrassing call to have the gf bring my keys to me. I even went inside and slowly bought stuff I didn't really want to stall the station attendant so I wouldn't get towed.

GelatinousCube7 · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trying to check the time by lighting a cigarette, and vise versa.

Kpooper123 · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I locked my apartment door with my remote control car key. Like the beeper thing. Went to class came back and got mad that my other roomates did not lock the door...

K_Byrd2 · 1 points · Posted at 09:12:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked back to my dorm room after studying, one night. Thing is I live off campus now.

niihar · 1 points · Posted at 09:13:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up an old pepper spray can and sprayed it in front of me.

styxx1204 · 1 points · Posted at 09:14:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So this is something my husband did. One I need to say my husband has a very calm personality. But this particular week I had lost the keys several times and neglected to place them where they were supposed to go. That week our schedule happened to line up where we were also car pooling.

We were running late, or rather I was, and was about to head out the door when we couldn’t find the keys. We couldn’t find them anywhere and I started to feel guilty for losing them since I drove it the day before. He finally snapped and yelled at me. Now we were married two or three years by now and he had never yelled so I was surprised.

After standing there in tears and shock from the yelling I finally suggested taking the other vehicle so we didn’t get in trouble for tardiness. He apologized on the way but I was still in shock.

We happened to work at the same place and on the way into the building he put his hands in his pockets and stopped in the middle of the road. I look back and he has this sheepish look on his face as he pulls out the keys.

He had completely forgotten he put them in his pocket. Needless to say I ended up with flowers by the end of the day!

charliejerry · 1 points · Posted at 09:14:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made myself some lemonade in a glass with a straw. Put the straw in my mouth and started to tilt the glass. Spillend it al over me.

arielp15 · 1 points · Posted at 09:16:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive for Uber on the weekends. Got home at 3am and tried to put my purse in the microwave (after opening the fridge looking for food).

Phikhum · 1 points · Posted at 09:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me searching for my phone while I am talking on it!!!

hadenav · 1 points · Posted at 09:17:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a full time nanny, so I have a stock pile of kid CD’s on my phone. I’m notorious for rocking out to the Fresh Beat Band, Yo Gabba Gabba, or Jojo Siwa on my days off. Especially embarrassing with all the windows down and I’m singing “don’t bite your friends”

redcloudxxviii · 1 points · Posted at 09:18:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting fresh milk in the cupboard and cereal in the fridge.

SkeletonBumbleBee · 1 points · Posted at 09:19:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Server at restaurant: "Enjoy your meal!"

Me: "You too."

Box office worker: "Enjoy the movie!"

Me: "You too."

The list goes on.....

Malarkus86 · 1 points · Posted at 09:19:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going to take a piss before hopping in the shower, I chuckled my socks in the toilet and started peeing in the laundry basket which my family kept in the bathroom.

mrsmornington · 1 points · Posted at 09:20:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I’m talking on the phone while leaving the house, i always end up looking for my phone while I’m talking on the dam thing!!!

micknanuel · 1 points · Posted at 09:21:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was 9, I was eating a burger at home. I had a bottle of Tabasco to my left, and a glass of water to my right.

Thirsty little me wanted a sip of water, and picked up the bottle of Tabasco and let it drip into my mouth.

Regretting and realizing just what I had done, I needed water, badly. Picking up my glass, I proceeded to pour the water onto my burger.

SpeakEasyHere · 1 points · Posted at 09:23:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use my contactless card to get the train and underground to work everyday. Then I use my other card to tap through security at work. As I get home, I have on numerous occasions got a card out instead of my house keys. So used to tapping cards to enter places.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:24:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Chatting to a friend that I’m making a coffee for, but instead of pouring the boiling water into the cup I pour it into the sugar jar. Realise what I’ve just done and say “Fuck I’m an idiot” out loud.

Also my partner and I have a joke where we say the reverse of what you’d say when you sneeze. So when he sneezes, instead of “bless you” I’d say “go to hell” and instead of “thanks” in return he’d say “get fucked”.

At work I’ve done both of these. Somebody’s sneezed and I said “go to hell” to them. Or I’ve sneezed, they’ve said “bless you” and I’ve said “get fucked” in return. Awkward...

Tau0808 · 1 points · Posted at 09:24:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just today I almost drove through a red light because the person in front of me went. As I was doing it I said to myself "oh wow we both sure are going on a red light- wait." Brakes quickly

cletus86 · 1 points · Posted at 09:24:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waking up for college one morning with the "oh shit I'm late" dread. Quickly got Changed, grabbed my stuff, ran outside and then came the sudden realisation that it's actually about 2am. I went to bed still in my clothes... woke up on time with my pants on backwards

MaxLeeway · 1 points · Posted at 09:24:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped working at a subway and got a new job at Chick-fil-A Third month there said "welcome to Subway!" I rarely said that to people at the Subway.

A second one after a year there I would pour a bucket of that ice into three different area, one day they were changing out the trash and I just filed that can up with ice.

CareerModeMerchant · 1 points · Posted at 09:25:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was heating up some tomato soup for lunch but instead of getting out a pot like you're meant to I got out a plastic bowl and put it on the hob. Of course it set on fire so I turned it off, took my cats out of the way of all the smoke, called my mum and went outside. First thing she did was look at me and say "Why did you use a plastic bowl?" and I just fucking melted.

3MATX · 1 points · Posted at 09:26:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looked for sunglasses for ten minutes while they were on my head the whole time.

MurkedPeasant · 1 points · Posted at 09:27:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Long day, rough finals, short (ex, as of 5 years ago) girlfriend, standing next to her equally short best friend. Group of friends all standing in a circle, and I absent mindedly went to hold (ex) girlfriend's hand and accidently started holding hands with her best friend. Didn't realize what I was doing until everyone stopped talking and looked at me.

Friend laughed it off, I laughed it off, friends laughed it off, ex laughed it off until we were in private and then told me off.

Justification, she and friend were 5'3", I was 6'2".

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:28:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to make hot cocoa. Microwaved water for 3 minutes, mixed in powder, made sure to mix it thoroughly to get out all the lumps, put the whisk in the sink, took a sip, realized I made it with water instead of milk which I hate, gave the cup to my husband because he doesn't mind it with water, filled another cup with water, microwaved it 3 minutes, took it out, sighed, laughed at myself, poured it out, filled it with water again, went to put it in the microwave again, realized, poured it out, and FINALLY got the almond milk out to use!

The hot cocoa wasn't even very good. My tired teacher brain was not working that morning.

thattreethere · 1 points · Posted at 09:29:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had started a job an hour away. Everyday I hopped on the interstate and headed south. Well one day I was on auto pilot hopped on the wrong exit and ended up driving an hour north. Now I had to call work and tell them I’d be two hours late. Good times.

atlantiic · 1 points · Posted at 09:29:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Sonic Drive-In when I was in high school but got a job at Starbucks in college. I never worked in a drive thru Starbucks until I recently moved and the only store in my area was a drive thru store. This was my first time touching a drive thru headset in like, 5 years so naturally instead of greeting my first customer with "Hi, welcome to Starbucks" I said "Hi, welcome to Sonic". Everyone in my new store with a headset could hear me. I actually did this once in high school too. I did the morning announcements sometimes and instead of saying "Good morning .... High School!", I said on TV in front of the whole school... "Hi welcome to Sonic" 😖

How2Dennis · 1 points · Posted at 09:31:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just got home and put my keys on the counter as I always do. I was searching for something on the counter a little while later and I noticed my keys were missing. I spent a good 5 minutes searching for it to find out that I put them in my back pocket again.

krtx · 1 points · Posted at 09:32:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have tried to use my home parking garage key fob to get into my work parking lot (instead of the full ID badge) many, many times.

Anonymous-angel · 1 points · Posted at 09:32:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was half asleep at dinner and thought i was brushing my teeth. I went to drink water and spit it all over the table. Dinner was cut short that night.

sSmidge · 1 points · Posted at 09:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going through airport security I took off my belt and then half pulled down my jeans before switching off autopilot and realising what I was doing. As far as I know nobody noticed. I'm now always on full alert when I go through airport security.

xtag · 1 points · Posted at 09:34:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drive an old car with a dodgy clutch and can't drive it with my shoes on because I can't feel the vibrations through the pedals.

My brother gave me a lift one day and as soon as I got in to the passenger seat I took my shoes off. He looked so confused so I told him about my car and we both laughed.

GloomyBaby4 · 1 points · Posted at 09:34:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving down a side street in Hollywood late at night with 3 of my friends. It was one of those streets with like 5 stop lights and 4 stop signs one after the other, and I stopped at a green light and sat through it until it turned red, and none of us noticed until it turned red.

jellobend · 1 points · Posted at 09:35:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

“Good night everybody”

“Bless you!”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was feeding my dogs and poured the dog food into the trash can instead of their bowls.

HomieN · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got up at 5 in the morning, after spending the whole night studying at one of my friend's house, and without telling anyone, I just left towards my home. I realised, after I got out of the house, that I opened the interlock with my hands in autopilot. The thing I can't do even when I'm conscious.

FlippinEggs · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Coming home from grade school, banana peel in hand. I throw the peel in the toilet and proceed to pissing in the bin beside it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time soap got in my sleeve when I was washing dishes and for some reason I just put my open sleeve under the sink and let the water pour in. Then I was soaked :(

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going with 2 friends to watch a movie. And we were 14 at that time. We got in the elevator, 2 adult girls were with us. No one was talking. Then one of them asked the other which movie were they gonna see. I said the name of the movie we were gonna watch. My friends were laughing even after the end of the movie and we got out.

Griffithead · 1 points · Posted at 09:36:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Read 5 or 6 of these. Had to stop. Actually injuring myself from laughing. This is my humor.

VickyPlum · 1 points · Posted at 09:37:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At our best friends wedding, seated with the bride's brother, the bride's sister, the sister's friend and my husband. Table next door is very close and it's the bride's elderly uncles and aunts who are talking to our table. Husband asks me to make a roll up cigarette and I stick 2 papers together to make a 3 skin set up. And then I called attention to it by saying 'What am I doing?!' Face palm moment right there. Luckily the people on our table were also about that life... Edit: spelling

funny_news_ · 1 points · Posted at 09:37:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mm

dandore98 · 1 points · Posted at 09:38:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but as a bartender Instinctually sometimes when buying drinks after shift I'll ask the waitress/ bartender "thank you can I get you anything else?" before realising what an absolute Moron I am.

seamus_park · 1 points · Posted at 09:38:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had one of those Yankee Candle type wax burners that made the room smell like a bakery or a forest or children's memories or whatever but wanted to swap it over. I was on massive autopilot mode and thought the best method to get old wax out of the holder would be to melt it as normal and pour it down the sink. It wasn't.

owmyappendix · 1 points · Posted at 09:38:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to see Skyfall a couple of years ago and being a good Catholic I genuflected before entering my row

op3rafish · 1 points · Posted at 09:38:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called a teacher “Mum” once. Yes, I was that kid. Still no idea how it slipped out.

kai288 · 1 points · Posted at 09:39:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So many times I’ve gone the wrong direction because I thought I was driving to work. I usually catch myself fairly quickly so it hasn’t been a major inconvenience.

HIM101 · 1 points · Posted at 09:39:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wanted to scratch my dog. Accidentally scratched my friend.

acynicalteddybear · 1 points · Posted at 09:39:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but one of my teachers. She used to be a kindergarten teacher, and has 2 very young children at home, but now she teaches us year 12s and 13s math. Our school has a problem where we don't have enough desks, so people constantly move desks around among the classrooms. One day, a few people from the economics class next door came in to borrow some desks and she said "OK say bye to the desks" as if she were still teaching kindergarten.

And it didn't end there. About a dozen 17-19 year old teenagers (Including me!) automatically said 'bye desks'. It was only after class when we all started wonder why tf we did that.

spinmanj · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to shoplift like crazy and the other day with complete lack of control I found that I had grabbed a 5 Hour energy shot and slipped it in my pocket and walked out of the store with it. It happened so fast. I have to mentally tell myself "no stealing" when I go shopping. #sorry, not sorry. LOL

matty80 · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got drunk at a Christmas party and got on the tube (in London) at a station called Earl's Court, then got off at a station called Archway. Here is a tube map:

https://tfl.gov.uk/maps/track?intcmp=40400

Earls Court is on the bottom-left of that circular line in the middle. Archway is towards the top of the black line running vertically through the centre.

I'd moved house from Archway to Earls Court several months previously and lived within five minute's walk of Earls Court station. This occurred to me as I walked onto the road on which I used to live in Archway.

hazelemons · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked a job and internship one summer. Drove all the way to the internship on my way to work...then had to explain to my boss that I was late because I am a dumbass

Bradalax · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This might not mean much if you don't know the north east of the UK

But many years ago I went to a works Christmas do in Durham. Got just a little tipsy and thought - bugger it, I'll just walk home. A bit of a trek, but ok. About a 2 mile walk. Drunk me took a bit longer as the shortcuts through various housing estates got me well and truly turned around.

But eventually I was getting close to home.........then remembered we moved to Felling, Newcastle (17 miles away) about 3 months earlier!

Still drunk I ended up finding an all night garage and explained what I'd done to the nice girl behind the window, who was laughing so hard as she called me a taxi! (no mobile phones back then!)

suckcorner4nutrients · 1 points · Posted at 09:40:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On one of the last work days before summer break, I got up, took a small glass out of the cupboard and shuffled to the fridge to pour myself some orange juice. Sat down with the newspaper, took a sip. I'd poured myself rosé.

shaydatticus · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Separated several egg yolks over the sink. Had perfectly separated yolks before I realized I needed the whites for the recipe and they were all splattered in the sink

_the100th · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lick my ice cream cone, eipe my face with a tissue, n throw the ice cream into the trash instead of the tissue. :(

DickWienerPenisCock · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Alright love you see you soon!" To the guy taking my order at pizza hut after he told me it would take 30 to 40 minutes.

ppadru1 · 1 points · Posted at 09:41:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cereal in the fridge, milk on the shelf

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:42:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lighted a cigarette with a match. Threw the cigarette in the dustbin, put the still hot match stick in mouth.

The burnt lips brought me back to sense!

ImNotDoingThatOk · 1 points · Posted at 09:42:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One thing is when i was in 5th grade I was playing tag at lunch so when I ran to class I tagged the nearest person

Jones2412 · 1 points · Posted at 09:42:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The company I work for uses security badges to get into the building. One day, running a bit late, I walk up to the front door and try to swipe my car keys at the scanner. After about 2-3 tries, I finally realized I'm an idiot. On the same note, I have also tried to use my badge to not only enter my house, but also get into my car...

M0NSTER4242 · 1 points · Posted at 09:43:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello, nice to see you.

Me:Yes.

pxl8d · 1 points · Posted at 09:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to pinch to zoom on some tiny text in a textbook that I was reading in front of the class. Teacher noticed and almost choken on her coffee, then told my parents I must be spending too much time on my phone at the next meeting.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:43:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just finished a presentation that I had been worrying about for a while, and I was so happy to have finished. While I walked back to my seat, someone (not a close friend) raised their hand to ask a question. I, riding my post-presentation high, proceeded to high-five them and skip over to my seat.

B04LeJo · 1 points · Posted at 09:44:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess around two weeks ago I was hungry and wanted to go to the kitchen to get me something to eat. Instead, I accidentally went to the bathroom and randomly brushed my teeth at 4pm.

SquigglieSquid · 1 points · Posted at 09:45:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a £20 note in the post box and then walked into the fish and chippy holding the letter I meant to post with no money for dinner...

Doombringer_FI · 1 points · Posted at 09:45:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finish yoghurt, throw spoon in the trash and the yoghurt can in sink

DelusionPhantom · 1 points · Posted at 09:46:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My laptop broke recently and I had taken pictures on my phone of the BIOS screen in case I needed any more information.

Well I was reading off one of the pictures to my dad who was helping me out (the legend) and he asked me to look up what generation my cpu was. I proceed to freak out because I didn't know where my phone was. Check all the pockets, turn around in a circle, proceed panicking.

He just quietly goes "Hey, what were you just doing?"

"I was telling you what kind of processor I have" [still freaking out]

He jsut sighed and pointed at the phone I had right up to my nose on the table.

In my defense, I was so stressed out over it breaking I slept maybe 5 restless hours over the course of 3 days and spent almost all that time working on it. I had maybe 2 full meals.

On the bright side it started working around 3am last night. Yay!

On the dark side, I don't feel hungry anymore and all I ate today was 3 pieces of bacon. There may be something wrong with me now lol

sagr0tan · 1 points · Posted at 09:47:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This masterpiece of human engineering hangs in my shop as a warning to never again drift that far away while doing something there. And no, I didn't use it. Ever.

Wushrooms · 1 points · Posted at 09:47:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "Thanks Sara". When my gf's name is Luna and Sara is my ex..

Supernoverina · 1 points · Posted at 09:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my sister babe once...

Ryulightorb · 1 points · Posted at 09:47:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well back in highschool i was waiting out near the bus at the front of the school for my friends at the time and i was zoning the fuck out in space some girls comes up to me i have never met her before and she smacks me right in the face with her fist without even thinking my body had just autopilot kicked up and smacked her in the face.

I did karate for a bit as a kid so i was decent at high kicking but when i snapped back to reality and wasn't zoning out i was like .....oh fuck.

I got detention (but was allowed to play games on my phone because the teachers knew i tended to be a victim to this stuff bad town and all)

does that count?

psullivan6 · 1 points · Posted at 09:48:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seeing the words “Auto Pilot” and instantly assuming I’d read about people doing stupid stuff in their Tesla.

ColourfulPhoenix92 · 1 points · Posted at 09:48:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Writing Christmas cards and get distracted by the two dogs running around, look back down at the card and realise I’ve just wrote merry Christmas and happy new birthday.....

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:48:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During extensive flight training early in the start of my career, I got in my car after hours of practice flying a Cessna. Instead of the steering wheel I tried steering the car using the gas and the brake pedals (like rudder pedals).

roxydoodles · 1 points · Posted at 09:48:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldn’t find my phone even though it was in my hand. I called my dad from my phone and asked him to call my phone because I couldn’t find it.

Also texted my boss once to tell her I had forgotten my phone at home so I needed to turn around and go get it.

Compodulator · 1 points · Posted at 09:49:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My father puts a hammer in the fridge on autopilot. Now, as to WHY, neither of us knows. However, if there is a hammer in the fridge already, he would return the hammer he’s currently holding back into the tool box. As a result, he keeps his least favorite hammer in the fridge now and grumbles when he opens the door on occasion.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:50:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Casino Dealer here.

While we work we have to "clear our hands" to surveillance (basically shaking our hands palm up to palm down slow, all in one motion) anytime we go into our rack of chips, going to pay the bets, handling cash buy ins or coming/leaving a table.

It's like second nature pretty much. So I could be going grocery shopping and literally clear my hands anytime before I grab something to look at and/or after I put something back on the shelf.

Also, for any cash/chips buy ins, we cannot grab those from customers hands, we have to ask then to set it down. So you can see the confusion I get from cashiers, when I ask them to set the cash when I get change back... 😂

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:50:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made avocado toast without avocado

Haze13002 · 1 points · Posted at 09:50:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked all the way to my trash can and started pissing in it, realized halfway through and bolted to the toilet pants still down

mashacherny · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fifth grade, home alone after school, poured myself a glass of milk and put the gallon back where it belongs, in the glass cupboard. Went back for some more milk from the fridge but couldn’t find the gallon.

Called mom crying that someone came in the house and stole the milk.

Not one of my shining moments but definitely a shining memory.

SamNeedsAName · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Okay so late to the party and know that I do things on automatic. Read through this thread. Y'all have done one thing on automatic. Me? I have done almost every one of these things multiple times. Makes me feel stupid. We only have errands in a few locations. I invariably go to one location when I am meaning to go to one of the others.

loscules22 · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone calls out my name and says hi. Thinking its my girlfriend, I instinctively wink at the person. It was my college lecturer. She took it well though

Nethidur · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I threw my dirty socks into the toilet instead of a basket... I was happy that I didn't flush them and that there was nothing but water.

MadMuffinMan117 · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put sugar on my chips thinking it was salt. Then I played off like I ment to do that. Same thing with chicken soup and fanta... I don't think they bought it.

ephemeral20 · 1 points · Posted at 09:51:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I repeatedly kept trying to pull the blinds down, i caught myself saying, “why won’t this thing load already.” smh

Udde · 1 points · Posted at 09:52:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put cerial in fridge and milk in cabinet.

xcorinthianx · 1 points · Posted at 09:52:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's probably 50 of these in the thread already but calling my teacher "Mum".

DexterousDragon · 1 points · Posted at 09:52:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I. High school when a teacher was telling a story, I was lost in thought and she said”ya know?” At the end of her sentence, my response was a loud “yeah” (the room was dead silent) I still can’t sleep because I think back to stupid moments like that.....

SoftEnigma · 1 points · Posted at 09:52:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a Grandad, a few times removed, drove his Son’s very expensive car to Brent Cross (shopping mall) in London from Watford (an hours journey). And got the bus back. Uncle had to get the bus back in to get the car and then drive it home.

Pingu313 · 1 points · Posted at 09:52:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Happy birthday!"

Me, "You too."

filipinofishboy · 1 points · Posted at 09:53:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating siopao(pork bun), I peeled the paper and throw the siopao on garbage can.

WesternMare · 1 points · Posted at 09:53:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been known to catch myself pushing an empty shopping trolley back and forth in public. Here’s my brain thinking it’s a pram with a sleeping baby inside

babu_bisleri · 1 points · Posted at 09:53:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually go to office in uber. One day I took my car and on my way back, took uber on auto pilot. Only after I reached home did I realise that I had forgotten my car in office.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 09:53:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

First day of high school, followed my friend and went into all his classes. Teacher never noticed and gave me textbooks and everything until they did the register. Yup, last t mins of the class I was just like whoops wrong class haha.. then I went to my real class and got another textbook

NickBal_ · 1 points · Posted at 09:54:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when I hit my hand on the counter or run into something with my foot I’ll blurt out “Ouch” when in reality it did not hurt whatsoever

MikKak8 · 1 points · Posted at 09:54:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the airport at baggage check in the lady says have a safe flights... To which I reply " thanks! You too!"

Dan6erbond · 1 points · Posted at 09:55:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempt to do a hand-clap I have with my friend with a girl I commute to school with. Man that was embarassing, she was laughing straight for 5 minutes.

mystique1004 · 1 points · Posted at 09:56:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was waiting for my take home sandwich in a cafe and while waiting I prepared my fair for the ride home. My order was delivered to me by a waiter and i almost gave him my fair. Luckily I didn't held it out enough for him to notice but I was so embarrassed about myself I hurried out as soon as I can.

cstuart1046 · 1 points · Posted at 09:56:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As I was talking to my friend, beer in hand I went o put it down on the trash can lid. It was dome shaped. Took me a few seconds to realize what happened I for real thought I was putting it on a flat surface and it falling and breaking just didn’t register right away.

shaydatticus · 1 points · Posted at 09:56:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My aunt walked into the house and exclaimed, “WHY IS IT SO DARK IN HERE?” Then realized she was wearing sunglasses.

cigripper · 1 points · Posted at 09:56:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work early morning shifts at a coffee shop and it's usually pretty dark out when I'm up and going for the day. Decided to take a nap after a long day and getting back home from working a 5am shift. Woke up in a panic because I had "slept past my alarm" thinking my boss was gonna chew me out, or worse. So I hustle out of bed, grab my uniform, and make my usual 45 minute walk to work trying not to panic. Came in to everyone looking really confused when I went behind the counter all huffy and puffy ready to apologize to my boss for being so late. It took them ten minutes to calm me down and explain that it's 6pm and not 6am and have it sink in that I did my shift for the day already. I don't think I've ever slept so hard or have ever had a walk of shame prior to that but I think that 45 minute walk back home was as close as it's ever gonna get. Daylight savings, man.

And also to add that this could've easily been averted if I had a working phone at the time which I did not.

sickusernamebro · 1 points · Posted at 09:57:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was pledging a fraternity. One of our many duties was to clean the house a few times a week. I was on bathroom duty this day. I had learned by this point not to be grossed out by anything, to just clean everything and not worry about it - I'd always wash my hands once I was finished so nothing was gross. I grabbed a bunch of stuff off the floor, and came across a tampon applicator. I picked it up by the non-coochie end and waved it in the face of one of the brothers. He freaked. I was like dude relax I didn't touch you with it. The he pointed out the fact that there was a used tampon in my other hand, which I hand't noticed until then. I lost my damn mind and spent the rest of the cleaning session washing my hands. Every now and then a brother would walk passed me and ask why I wasn't cleaning, to which I replied "I JUST PICKED UP A BLOODY FUCKING TAMPON WITH MY BARE HANDS!" They left me alone.

Lord_a55 · 1 points · Posted at 09:59:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was meeting my friend's gf for the first time, not planned or anything, and he went down stairs for a minute or two, she said hello and me being the socially awkward beta I am I mumbled 'ok' but in the language I usually speak with my friends which she doesn't understand so it probably just sounded like I mumbled gibberish for no reason

Znerox · 1 points · Posted at 09:59:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my girlfriend getting ready to leave the restaurant. I pay, and the waiter says "Thank you for the visit". Me, hearing the word thank you: You're welcome!

In_Dust_We_Trust · 1 points · Posted at 09:59:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Attempt to open home front door with car fob and stand there for couple of seconds waiting for them to open

PLEASE_DONT_HIT_ME · 1 points · Posted at 09:59:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my laundry in the dryer before the washer.

I had really warm but smelly clothes. To be fair I was very very very high.

kamilman · 1 points · Posted at 09:59:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OP, I just woke up and your thread made my day already! I didn't have such belly laughs in a longtime!

sometimessmiling · 1 points · Posted at 09:59:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teacher of high school here, and I slip into my 'teacher voice' way too often outside of work without realising. Recently at a house party we were playing Cards Against Humanity and everyone was chatting and not paying attention when I was trying to read out the next card. Person next to me asked why we weren't getting on with the same, and I raised my voice and very sternly said 'Well [friend)], we would be, if some people in the room were LISTENING.'

Friends instinctive reaction was to shut up, THEN all laugh at me and make fun of me for the rest of the night. They should be used to it by now, honestly.

spaghettiknot · 1 points · Posted at 10:00:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made some ramen and for some reason didn't throw the packaging away. Bowl full of ramen in one hand, packaging in the other I go to the bin and for reasons beyond me, I open the wrong hand and drop a bowl full of boiling ramen onto my foot. The bowl smashes, cutting into my foot and lower leg, the boiling ramen is everywhere, including on my foot and leg soothing my cuts with burning agony. The worst part of it all, the real gut puncher, the damn packaging for the ramen is now on the floor next to the bin. A short trip (over four hours) to A&E and I'm all good to go (limping for a month and still hungry).

tl:dr tried to make noodles, was hospitalised.

theSlater202 · 1 points · Posted at 10:00:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in high school I was sitting on the floor in the hallway during lunch, completely zoned out from a combination of sleep deprivation and boredom. There was a girl sitting across from me flipping her water bottle and catching it over and over, but I was so zoned out I thought she threw it at me. It legitimately looked like it was gonna hit me in the face so I jumped and put my hands out to block it lol. Turned out she never threw it at me i was just tripping. She made a confused smile at me and i just got up and walked away, definitely one of the most embarrassing moments from that time of my life lmao

Liobsa · 1 points · Posted at 10:00:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have experienced many incidents of me looking for my glasses while they were on my face.

SmokyJosh · 1 points · Posted at 10:00:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was trying to plug my earphones into my phone and poke a straw into a packet drink at the same time, i poked my earphones into the packet drink and it took me a while to realize

sv3rcitrus · 1 points · Posted at 10:00:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm looking for my glasses, as usual. I enlist my family's help and after several minutes of looking, no one spots it. Then, my mom looks directly at me and says: have you checked your face?

thesilentspeaker · 1 points · Posted at 10:01:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried to unlock my home/apartment door with my office access card. More than once.

There was this one time when I almost called up someone from my team, asking them to let me in. Thankfully I realised where I was and what I was doing before I made the call.

lawlessflawless · 1 points · Posted at 10:01:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to car share with a colleague. This was at the end of a long day of work and I had driven that day.

He got into the drivers seat and I got into the passengers seat, I then went to put the keys into the ignition before we both realised at the same time that we were both in the wrong seat - followed by howling laughter.

The worst thing is we ended up doing this twice - the second time we realised a little bit quicker how stupid we were being - still funny as hell though.

andimacg · 1 points · Posted at 10:01:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Leaving the cinema after watching the Blair witch project. My usual walk home involved going through a wooded park. So I decided to take an alternative route.

Got all the way "home" and at the front door remembered I had moved a week earlier and my new place was in the other direction from the cinema.

c0rpsy · 1 points · Posted at 10:02:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a rail yard once, and part of my job was manually entering each container number that came in on the train in to a handheld system. I had to focus extra hard because I’m a bit dyslexic, and usually I didn’t have to worry about the radio.

Every once in a while, the boss would make an announcement and the yard would have a sound-off indicating who they were and whether or not they understood the information.

One time when we sounded-off during my inspection, instead of saying “Corpsy copies!” I promptly shouted “723445!(or whatever the container number was) ...copy....Corpsy copies.”

After what felt like minutes (probably seconds) of radio silence, the boss thanked everyone for the sound off through thinly veiled giggles. I could hear one of my colleagues laughing from his toplift.

Robut1 · 1 points · Posted at 10:02:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove North to Canada instead of South to mount vernon. Also started smoking my weed pen about a mile before what I assumed was MV. Ended up being detained and held in a cell for a few hours before being given a sobriety test then let go. Had to call my parents to pick me and my car up.

Uhtred101 · 1 points · Posted at 10:02:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once walked into a mannequin in a shop and knocked it over, quickly bent down to pick her up apologising profusely, got quite a few laughs at that one

Komb_at · 1 points · Posted at 10:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hey check out that youtube video

Okay, www.youp... oops

o4ub · 1 points · Posted at 10:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat at a pub,waiting for my food, some nice lamb dish. My friend that ordered food as well get served, and I'm presented a plate of fish and chips. Hungry auto pilot, I start eating "my" plate. About 3-4 minutes go by before so realise my mistake. The waitress comes back I already ate a good third of the fish and half the fries. It actually was the guy couple tables away. I offered to give him my plate.

I felt quite bad when the waitress had to explain what happened, pointing a finger at my direction...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:02:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We would do this thing in our class when we would line to wish happy b-day. One time i was waiting in line and when it was my turn i said goodnight i love you very much.

Bemani247 · 1 points · Posted at 10:03:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a cinema for 7 years, told the pizza boy numerous times to "enjoy your film"

TrueOS · 1 points · Posted at 10:03:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Writing the last year's date on a document after the new year

Chi_Virus · 1 points · Posted at 10:04:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to say "I'm on top of things" to my asshole ex-boss while also telling a customer "I'll be with you in a second, sir." I ended up crying out, "I'll get on top of you in a second, sir!" then promptly died of embarrassment.

silly_puffin · 1 points · Posted at 10:04:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Friend of mine came over to hang out and met my SO for the first time. As he was leaving, he said "nice meeting you" to my SO and my very overtired brain caused me to chime in automatically with a "nice meeting you, too!" ...despite knowing him for months at that point

MikeBrownSA · 1 points · Posted at 10:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was drunk at a friends house and we were in a group chatting and I instinctively lit a cigarette in his lounge. He just yelled at me and I ran outside. It was funny when I got back though

Nupii · 1 points · Posted at 10:05:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in the airforce as a security guard, and i had the responsibility for the alarm phone. I answered the phone and had to make calls all the time, and it was very strict that i presented myself with my rank, where i was calling from and what station.

So one time i called right after a shift to a pizza place and did all that "Hello, this is Flight Soldier (name) calling from (station)" and both me and the guy from the pizza shop were all quiet for a few seconds...

SirDuky · 1 points · Posted at 10:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured a gallon of water on my hand thinkg id check if the bucket had water inside. The bucket was clear.

Not the worst thing to clean up but i was extremely tired after a long day of school so it wasnt fun.

DoodlingSloth · 1 points · Posted at 10:05:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hope you had underwear

Nickthehood · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one is pretty common but the situation was kind of unique.

Couple years ago I was at a family party and my uncle brought his new girlfriend (~40) so we could get to know her. This was after I had worked a 10 hour shift at my job so I wasn’t really all there.

After about 3 hours of trying my hardest to make a good impression whilst dealing with brain static, it was time for goodbyes. As I go to hug her she says, “Good luck in school!”

This comment threw me for a loop, and in a panic I replied with the obligatory “Thanks, you too”. After the hug we exchanged expressions of confusion and hilarity, but inside my body I was full cringe.

Later on the ride home I learned that she was in fact a teacher, and I thought my assery might’ve been salvaged and turned into a super suave reply, until she brought it up to me at every family gathering since then and it’s now a running joke.

NomarGarciaVega · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

11/10 post Helen, I've really enjoyed reading all the comments and your replies.

epic_gamer_moment · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

crash

theSlater202 · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Another one: I was super fucked up at a vape store (dont worry I didn't drive) and I asked for a taster bottle so I could sample some juice before I bought it. I tasted the juice, it was meh, then tried to screw the top cap of my vape back onto the vape juice bottle. The cashier looked like he was done with my shit and just stared at me for a really long time.

TheRealRunderWoman · 1 points · Posted at 10:06:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Nurse here working at a SNF. Occasionally when entering the break room or even sometimes when I’m at home I find myself knocking on a door and announcing myself as is required at my place of work...”(knock, knock, knock) Nursing!”

blackmetalwarlock · 1 points · Posted at 10:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i was working cashier at my job, and a lady was telling me some story i wasn’t paying too much attention to. all i could think of was how exhausted i was that morning, and accidentally blurted out my thought of, “i feel like i’m dying” to which she, understandably, was very concerned to hear her cashier say

Kingkindalex · 1 points · Posted at 10:07:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think one auto pilot isn t one good idea because lose works and ocasional is funny to drive.

Nowiboeypowerhour · 1 points · Posted at 10:08:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I need my mother I yell "ey yo ma" once I said that to my teacher.. She was not happy.... Said it to my friend's mom too... She was the youth group leader's wife... I'm dumb

Kk77789 · 1 points · Posted at 10:08:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened the fridge to look for something, forgot what I was looking for, put my phone in the fridge and walked off.

Only noticed when my partner came in an hour later holding my freezing phone and a concerning look on his face telling me Christmas is taking over my mind.

OverwatchPlaysLive · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sat down on the toilet to take a dump at work, pulled out my phone and started browsing Reddit. I sat there for an hour before I realized that I was at work... Walked out, sat back at my desk and was amazing to find no one had noticed!

Typing this comment up while sitting on the toilet at work

Gerf93 · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once got a fine while taking the tram to school because I couldn't find my wallet (and ID). Turns out I left the milk carton out and had put my wallet in the refrigerator.

lookarheabird · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work 3rd and take a nap before work, leaving myself 5-10 mins to get ready and leave. One night I threw a hoodie on, went to work, unzipped my hoodie, and realized I forgot to put a shirt on. Had to borrow one of the guys shirts. I also regularly put shirts and pants in inside out/backwards/both. Dressing in the dark is not the most efficient approach.

jxntheory · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Some years ago, when my great grandfather was still alive, I was still a kid, and life was still a wonderment to me. He called me up one day to wish me a happy birthday. As we are saying our good byes he wishes me a happy birthday one last time. I immediately proceed to tell him, “You too!” Didn’t phase him. He didn’t miss a beat and rolled right into the, “Okay now, it was nice talking to you. I love you. Good bye.” click All before I could even say it back correctly.... this time.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put eggs in the freezer. They all checked open when they froze.

Mr_Dnxsty · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I unwrapped a straw to put in my drink, threw away the straw, and then tried to put the paper in the drink.

I had to stand there a moment to take in what had just occurred.

Dandannoodle24 · 1 points · Posted at 10:09:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiting for the water to come out of the faucet at my sink at home to turn on automatically by a sensor. I’ve had a dinner guest witness this as I was washing dishes and we ended up having a real good laugh about it.

jordan-quite-bored · 1 points · Posted at 10:10:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So I’ve got a lot of these but one of the funniest ones is this one:

I work in a distribution center and we have this voice system for orders, and you have different voice commands for different situations and one of them is “repeat” for when you didn’t hear what the thing said. So after a 14 hour shift some colleagues and me went to a bar to have some drinks and I was chatting to this girl and hitting it off until she said something I didn’t quite hear so I just kept saying repeat until she walked away and I’m just like what just happened here? On of my colleagues came up to me and asked me what happened and didn’t hear my I don’t know man and he said repeat and then everything clicked

Mirrorwave13 · 1 points · Posted at 10:10:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ahhh...my whole life?

Bloodywizard · 1 points · Posted at 10:10:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Very often, when I'm having a somewhat argumentative conversation on the phone, will call my friends and family "sweetie or baby" because my brain thinks I'm arguing with my wife. It goes like "baby listen..." "That's not what I'm saying sweetie".

Tallkotten · 1 points · Posted at 10:10:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This question would have a totally different meaning of asked 10y in the future

IceBlue02 · 1 points · Posted at 10:10:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a chip shop. Several times now I've asked the customer whether they want salt and vinegar, waited for them to say no, then started putting them on anyway.

michaeljlu · 1 points · Posted at 10:10:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Few years back during weekend gateway in Madrid, I have asked a group of locals on the street for a direction. They kindly helped. There were lots of smiles and ‘thanks’. When saying good bye, instead of the usual ‘bye’ hand gesture I show them middle finger without realising it, with a smile still on, which quickly turned to embarrassment. You should see the look on their faces: reminder of the kindly smile turning confused and disbelief to finish. I have apologies, turn around and walk away very quickly. Until now I have no idea how this happened.

denverbroncos · 1 points · Posted at 10:11:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got cash out at the grocery store in a self check-out and left all the cash sitting there

makzter · 1 points · Posted at 10:11:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of our co worker just got back from a trip to Australia and brought vegemite they let each one of us taste it one by one while explaining that it gives you appetite. It was my turn took one bite instantly i brought out my lunch from my bag.

socks4m · 1 points · Posted at 10:12:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep trying to unlock the classroom doors from the inside. Sometimes in front of the students.

ExuDeku · 1 points · Posted at 10:12:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A female friend of mine asked me if I want some of her home-made cooking. Me, at that time, has gotten smacked by stress, lack of sleep and lack of concentration. I just said "nice", "I love it" and "thank you" every time. Same goes when she gave me her sample two days after (work can kill you) and I said the same three words.

And I got a girlfriend... unexpected. (This sound s like an episode of "Things that didnt happen")

catfoottoe · 1 points · Posted at 10:13:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my phone in the fridge while I’m finding a snack. Get snack and leave my phone in the fridge until I remember. I’ve done this multiple times

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:13:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I can litterly play pretty much any game, on auto pilot, and do it well

ChoppieChops · 1 points · Posted at 10:13:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once brushed my teeth with hand soap. Woke up in the morning with a terrible taste in my mouth remembering what I had done.

I still feel sick when I think about it.

SithLordius · 1 points · Posted at 10:13:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up my hair brush and was about to apply toothpaste on it before my mind kicked in

MassEffectAndChill · 1 points · Posted at 10:13:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher in college «dad»... Haha

xIKratos · 1 points · Posted at 10:14:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last year I was at a wedding dinner with a bunch of softdrinks in 1L bottles on the tables which you can fill your glass with. I was sitting at one table with my cousin and two girls. While he was flirting with one of the girls I wasn't really interested in the other and started looking around and watching other people dance and stuff. At some point I got thirsty and for some reason my brain autopiloted and I took the 1L bottle on the table and drank straight out of it. I only realized what I did after putting the bottle back on the table. I got some weird looks that day.

Shadowrend01 · 1 points · Posted at 10:14:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to pick my daughter up from daycare after work. Get as far as about to knock on the centre door before I remember that she doesn’t go to daycare on Fridays.

MartiniLang · 1 points · Posted at 10:14:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured weetos into my tea. Girlfriend was right there across the breakfast bar and it was one of those super funny in the moment kinda deals so we still think back to it occasionally.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:15:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving in my manual car and accidentally shifted into 1st from 3rd. :'( VROOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!

I_He_Him · 1 points · Posted at 10:16:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up in the evening, picked up my toothbrush, went to the washroom and started brushing my teeth. Halfway through, it hits me what the f*** am I doing.

HonestlyKillMeNow · 1 points · Posted at 10:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was buying stuff at a store and when I tapped my card, I heard the beep and asked if the worker wanted her receipt...

Nabzarella · 1 points · Posted at 10:16:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the kettle in the fridge. Then have a tantrum because I couldn't find the kettle.

Im_Space · 1 points · Posted at 10:17:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was doing a drama assessment in school based on Frantic Assembly (a drama company) and during my part I had to hold up 7 fingers to show '7 years old' and ended up putting 8 fingers up. In my assessment. In front of my whole class. My friends still laugh about it.

nevertakeusalive · 1 points · Posted at 10:17:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The amount of times I’ve poured cereal into a bowl and then just gone to the tap and poured water in there instead. Cereal ruined.

PumpkinpatchBoy · 1 points · Posted at 10:17:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stick my hands down my pants when I fall asleep🤗

Naskathedragon · 1 points · Posted at 10:17:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

walking down busy street and wander straight into a lamp post

"Im so sorry, are you okay?"

butdoesitfly · 1 points · Posted at 10:22:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Has happened on multiple occasions: I'm working on my computer, I get up to go get something (eg. pencil, water, etc.), and somehow wind up in the bathroom or standing outside of it trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

R00bot · 1 points · Posted at 10:22:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at mcdonalds and we have a bunch of those kinda suggestive question things, like when we ask if you want coke for the drink in your meal, full cream milk in your coffee or sweet and sour sauce with your nuggets.

One late shift I was so out of it that I mixed up two of those suggestive questions while on autopilot and ended up asking if they wanted "full-cream coke" for the drink with their meal.

raayyeeee · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just an hour ago, I was at ihop and poured black coffee on my pancakes instead of syrup because the container was...incredibly similar to that of a syrup one.

kkanso · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh oh I have one. In my university dorms we used our student IDs to unlock our rooms - every door had a lock that opens when you swipe your card.

So I was coming home for the holidays, got to the front door, put my bags down, managed to fish my ID out of my pocket and swiped it furiously on the lock numerous times. Took me a while to realize why the door wouldn’t unlock.

blackcompy · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back at university, our flat used to have a coffee machine that used ready made coffee pads. Basically, this was a really simple device - put in a fresh coffee pad, press button, remove pad.

I had a class that started pretty early in the morning, at 7:45. Because I was still half asleep on those mornings, I managed to mess up making a coffee in some way every time. Forget to put water in and wait for ten minutes for the machine to be "ready" like an idiot? Check. Forget to swap out the old pad and wonder why the coffee tasted like cooked lecture notes? You got it. Forget to close the pad tray so the hot water would run over the top of the pad, not through it? Yup.

All until one morning, on which my flatmates were present and teased me about my coffee making fails, so I concentrated to get each step exactly right. I made sure the water tank was full. Lobbed the old pad straight into the trash in a graceful arc. Placed the new tab exactly in its designated position. Made sure the top was locked down firmly and securely. Then, with a smug and satisfied look, I firmly pressed the start button and watched my delicious hot beverage flow... right onto the kitchen counter because I had forgotten the cup.

i-want-to-say-hello · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pulled out of a parking lot onto the street and was surprised to see a driver in the intersection in front of me looking really confused. I realized I had pulled into the left lane, but this is the US and we drive in the right lane. I have lived here my entire life.

Crimpshrine27 · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've audibly said thank you to the ATM

inateone · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a mexican restaurant where we had to sing happy bday to customers. On one occasion, i was waiting on a large party with a birthday guy. When time came, i walkwd over and did the standard cheesy announcement to restaurant, "excuse me, if i can have your attention...this is john, abd it is his birthday today! John stand up for us! (John sheepishly shakes his head and mumbles "uhhh no" Me: (thinking hes just embarrassed..."cmon John! STAND UP!" John:(looking confused) "ummm no, i dont think so" Right then i realized, John was in a wheelchair. Sadly, i knew this as i had been waiting on them the whole time, but AP was on. I hear another guest at table say something like "ohhh he must know john has a good sense of humor" to deflect the akwardness. I seriously wanted to die! I managed to stammer through the bday song and tried to apologize profusely as they were leaving.

tightheadband · 1 points · Posted at 10:23:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have put the tv remote in the fridge a few times.

HertsMan92 · 1 points · Posted at 10:24:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In a clothes shop, I would accidentally knock into a mannequin and apologise to it. I would then say to it "Why am I apologising, you're a mannequin" and walk away in shame.....

lilmillpete · 1 points · Posted at 10:24:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "I love you" to customers.

rdxl9a · 1 points · Posted at 10:24:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making scrambled eggs and put some ground pepper in. When I started hand mixing the 5 eggs I noticed all these little black things floating in there and thought the bowl must have dirty. I threw it all out and started over and didn’t realize until I started putting pepper in the next batch what an idiot I was.

kenzkalli · 1 points · Posted at 10:25:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A month or two ago I ran in to my friends on the sidewalk and took off my glasses rather than taking out my headphones.

gavdav · 1 points · Posted at 10:25:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was preheating the oven whilst unboxing a pizza, ended up putting the pizza in the fridge when I went to get the milk. Once I had poured my drink I then opened the oven door and went to put the milk in the oven!

keeper_of_creatures · 1 points · Posted at 10:25:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once called my teacher dad, I was so on auto pilot 😅

Also my dad used to drop me off at school when it rained, but I was a quiet kid, and sat in the backseat. If I didn't speak up he'd forget to take me to school and drive straight to his office 😂 happened more than once.

camelot519 · 1 points · Posted at 10:26:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Correct people’s bad grammar. 🙈

foxyneenee · 1 points · Posted at 10:26:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I get home from work, use the key fob to lock the car, then climb the stairs to my 2nd floor apt and use the unlock button on the key fob to unlock my apt door.

jamezy55 · 1 points · Posted at 10:26:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked into the work bathroom and unzipping for the urinal, i was in deep thought and an idea popped into my head that made me turn around. I faced the bin and started peeing, half a second went by when I realised and just panicked and ran back to the urinal. Luckily, no one was around.

Nancyhasnopants · 1 points · Posted at 10:26:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, my brother.

Apparently in the middle of the night my mum was reading at the kitchen table and my brother sleep walked into the kitchen past her, opened the fridge door, peed in the fridge and went back to bed.

Dead-brother · 1 points · Posted at 10:27:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the yoghurt in the dish machine and my glass in the trash.

clp111 · 1 points · Posted at 10:28:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drink my coffee black, and usually add a drop of cold water if I want to drink it straight away. Yesterday I kind of forgot to add the boiling water, and just went straight to the cold tap... Undissolved coffee, yum.

Johnny_Shitbags · 1 points · Posted at 10:28:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night when I was really high, I was in the kitchen with my dad while he was making a cup of tea. I was doing a pretty good job of hiding my stoned out state making toast by having minor conversation.

Toast popped, and what did I do?

Grabbed the milk (for Dad's tea) and poured all over the toast. Turned and walked out of the house rather than try to explain or clean up

gyusza · 1 points · Posted at 10:29:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got home from doing some major grocery shopping after work, and proceeded to the kitchen right away to unpack into the fridge. Seeing how I had some frozen goods, I didn't even bother taking my shoes or jacket off.

For the next 2 weeks I had to go through the reception of my workplace and manually check in as I had noooo idea where I misplaced my access card.

Few days before I was ready to give in and get a new card (its a big annoying process to get a new one as I work for a bank with some tight access control), I was preparing dinner and fished out the nice and frozen access card from a bag of frozen chips form the freezer...

LittlestSlipper55 · 1 points · Posted at 10:29:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When stopped a Random Breath Test, the police officer asked for my license as per normal. Reached for my purse, opened, whipped the card out and handed the cop. The cop gave a little giggle and said "uh ma'am, I need your license, unless you think you have a fine you may need to pay for...". I had just handed him my bank card.

yoyo_05_ · 1 points · Posted at 10:29:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said bonjour instead of merci to a swiss cashier

LOSTYOUMUSIC · 1 points · Posted at 10:29:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was once asked to get someone a glass of water and put milk in their cereal. They enjoyed their glass of milk, can't say the same about their watery Cheerios though...

domotastic · 1 points · Posted at 10:30:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Starbucks and a Korean restaurant. The other day I was at the latter and said “Hi, welcome to Starbucks!” I almost died on the spot nbd

neverland561 · 1 points · Posted at 10:30:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

For some fking reason, beind in a 6YO relationship, I keep telling absentmindedly to my boyfriend "come on mom!" when he wakes me up and to my mother "kisses babe!" when we hung up the phone.

nadsulpia · 1 points · Posted at 10:30:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to be a cashier. I would often be buying something in a store and forget that it was my turn to pay so I would just stand there waiting for the transaction to go through. I also used to answer regular phone calls with the phone greeting we had to use.

SockGnomes · 1 points · Posted at 10:30:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I helped run a local anime/video game convention. 18 hour day constantly on my feet. I came home and passed the eff out. Woke up and still had a walkie talkie from the convention center. (Oh shit Sherlock moment)

Went on auto-pilot morning mode. Grabbed coffee, drove downtown, in the security entrance and dropped it off...it was 7PM not AM. I swear I even commented about how ‘dark it was this morning’ Alaska is usually bright in early winter. Since the coffee shop didn’t close until 8pm the people around seemed your usual morning tired crowd too.

Sleep deprivation is a hell of a thing. I laugh about it now.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:30:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Entirely too late to this party, but my favorite is after a string of late nights at work I had to be in at 5:30 in the morning for truck. I’m obviously tired because my sleep schedule is fucked. We get to time for the store to open and everything has been smooth. I decide to go to the bathroom after break. I walk out of the stall at the same time the lady in the stall next to me walks out. “Are you finding everything okay?” As we make eye contact in the mirror. She looked confused. I look confused. It was not a good time.

WisePurpleMama16 · 1 points · Posted at 10:31:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was younger I was making myself a Milo...I scooped some Milo into a cup and then accidentally poured the milk into the huge Milo tin instead of my cup. Completely panicked and just put the lid back on the Milo tin and put it away in the cupboard. Needless to say the Milo went rock hard and was unusable. My mum was so angry she wouldn't buy Milo again for years!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:31:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unwrapped my hamburger from McDonald's, stuffed the wrap in my mouth and threw the hamburger away.

irbissonnui · 1 points · Posted at 10:32:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I with my husband were doing shopping, and i was bored and exhausted. We need to check some information on the information desk, i checked, and went back, and as usual streched my arm to the waist of my husband trying to hug him, i was looking somewhere ahead. And we were presumably alone in the hall. Then I realized, it wasnt my husband, so i rushed in the opposite direction, hoping my husband didnt see all that. Of course he did. And mocked me afterwards that it was obviously normal to me to hug other men. It was absolutely absurd and embarrassing.

redeyedcyclist · 1 points · Posted at 10:32:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

If I’m tired I thank ATMs

PrincessWafflez · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my science teacher 'mummy'

kabal218 · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wake up and grab bowl of cereal from downstairs, go into my bedroom and grab my TV remote from my desk, and rather than lobbing the remote onto my bed, there goes the bowl of cereal.

Swash221 · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About 7 months after having LASIK I was in my bathroom in the morning getting ready to shave by warming up my neck with a warm rag. When I put the shaving cream on my hands to put on, I immediately slapped my eyes with my hands. That burning pain is something I'll never forget and I'm still not sure why I slapped my eyes on auto pilot.

datawithbeard · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to eat my pipe and smoke my cheeseburger.

PizzaBoyztv · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured hot water into my cereals and milk into my instant coffee then proceed to drink cold weird coffee and eat my hot cereals.

Thea313 · 1 points · Posted at 10:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was living in a dorm-type situation and swapped rooms with the guy living in the room opposite mine for various reasons. First day after swapping, I came home and tried opening his door (which was formerly mine) with my key. Only for him to open the door from the other side and laugh at me.

PowderedToastMan93 · 1 points · Posted at 10:34:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was on holidays. I pretty much used all of my time back then for a game (Arkham City). One morning i got up and was like FUCK IM LATE ran to my shower, put clothes on, ran to my car and drove off. 10 mins later and almost at my workplace i realized, 1.) Im on fucking holidays, 2.) Its 4.50am and i start at 6am, 3.) I lost track of time and date cause it was a freakin Saturday.

For some reason i never checked the time not at home nor in my car until i was like a few kilometers before arriving at my workplace.

I also had this happen a few more times but was able to defuse while still being in bed...

Went home, slept some more and proceeded with my mindless gaming.

Randori68 · 1 points · Posted at 10:34:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had to pee and I had a piece of trash in my hand. I threw the trash in the toilet and almost pissed in the kitchen trash can.

TyrellaNell · 1 points · Posted at 10:35:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walk into a room and turn the lights off.

DidiElout · 1 points · Posted at 10:35:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throwing away my tampon instead of the wrapper... left with no tampons

TheGreyMage · 1 points · Posted at 10:36:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

See something on tv that makes me think, ooh, I should look that up. Go upstairs to get my phone for Wikipedia, forget by the time I am holding my phone. Proceed to walk up and down stairs four times in a row, back and forth between bedroom and sitting room, trying to force myself to remember the thing.

adconnelly · 1 points · Posted at 10:37:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked tourism here in Alaska for 10 years. Get home at 4pm and sunny as hell out. Soo tired, fall right asleep. Wake up and see that its 7 o'clock. I have 20 minutes to make it down to the cruise ship docks. No shower, swig Listerine, in the car speeding. Hit the radio and ask dispatch for the morning numbers. Nothing... There isn't any real traffic. Look at my phone and its 718pm. I had slept for 3 hours. It literally looked like morning but the sun was still going down...

Falino · 1 points · Posted at 10:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened someone else gift

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:37:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I read books on my phone and kindle a lot. One day when I was reading an actual paper book I finished the page I was on and just kept tapping the center of the page and wondering why the page wasn't changing. After about 3 taps I finally figured it out.

RedFoundation · 1 points · Posted at 10:37:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered my own phone or started to say grace with "Thank you for calling the ____ service desk, my name is RedFoundation. Can I get your employee ID please?"

Bman1973 · 1 points · Posted at 10:38:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was driving back to Pittsburgh from Philadelphia once in a snowstorm, about halfway across the state I pulled into a gas station and of course I was heading west to Pitts from Philly but with the snow on my mind I guess I got confused and just got back on east highway back to Philly and didn't notice for like 3 hours as it was slow going cuz of snow.

Blazethepuppycat · 1 points · Posted at 10:38:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Someone said happy birthday to me.... I said you're welcome...

MixedupMaeson · 1 points · Posted at 10:38:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my friend have an inside joke. We buy each other random little gifts now and again and have an Amazon listing for each other as well as written wish lists on our Facebook of random junk.

Well on the end of these wish lists on Facebook we write "thank you Daddy" or, when buying for each other off Amazon, we send a gift ticket with it that says "for you Daddy"

It's a joke that's been going on for about four years. Last year I had a secret santa thing with my group of friends and without thinking I put "thank you Daddy" at the end of each item on my list. It didn't occur to me till a few days after I put my list into the drawing hat.

Long story short, the person who got my list was a transgender female and she got misgendered a lot at the time. She thought I was misgendering her on the ticket and not only didn't get me a gift but also hasn't really said much to be the past year. (Which is odd cause I've never misgendered her before) God were not doing secret santa this year.

PiratKitten · 1 points · Posted at 10:38:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom handed me a birthday card for her aunt to sign it and I ended up signing it with my last name like it was an official document

HeFKk · 1 points · Posted at 10:39:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pickd my nose and ate a booger in front of at least 3 people in my freshman year of highschool.

cosmicowboi · 1 points · Posted at 10:39:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yelling “housekeeping” anytime I knocked on any door for a few months

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:40:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a dog walker and I always get my dogs to wait and sit at crossings. When ever I’m walking with people outside of work and I approach a crossing I always ask them to wait and sit and tell them to cross when the light turns green.

rmwalker1990 · 1 points · Posted at 10:40:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at a honda assembly plant and I drive forklift putting away giant empty containers that are going to be restocked....went to pick up a container and couldn't get it on my forks, I start cussing up a storm and just get frustrated and back up to turn around and drive to the bathroom. Getting off my forklift I realize I already had a crate on the forks...

About 15 people watched me do this. The guy whose been there the longest just smiles and says your finally part of the team we all have done it and it's funny as hell everytime

Baldie_locks · 1 points · Posted at 10:41:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Panicking that I forgot my car keys on my desk at work. While driving away from work.

soundtracking · 1 points · Posted at 10:41:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was waiting for a lift (elevator) in a car park and was deep in thought about something. When the lift arrived and the doors opened I loudly said:

“Hello!”

To all the people who were in the lift. I then got in, and was given a large amount of space. My brain caught up with me 30 seconds later when I was full of cringe.

Storytellerjack · 1 points · Posted at 10:41:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the end of my wedding day, I accidentally gave one of my brothers a peck on the cheek as I had done with dozens of female relatives that day.

Another time, when I was dating my first girlfriend, and spending a lot of my free time kissing, my mom didn't know about my girlfriend, but she might've gotten clued in when she came by my PC to say goodnight, and I automatically wet my lips, and came at her head on, instead of cheekwise. She turned her cheek toward me enough that I caught the corner of her mouth, but it was still a huge departure from the usual; light cheek touch "muah" -not even letting my lips contact her cheek. Nothing was said.

Shenzymarrie · 1 points · Posted at 10:42:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend asked me how old was my daughter and i responded with "fine thank you", its not that i misheard her, i just don't know why did i say that?

d_string · 1 points · Posted at 10:42:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in middle school, I went bowling with my cousins and I took off my shoes to change into bowling shoes but then continued and took my pants off as well. In my mind, I was dressing down for PE. One of them asked me what the hell I was doing, and I was able to get them back up without a lot of embarrassment. Fortunately the bowling alley was pretty empty at the time.

Baka_Mopo · 1 points · Posted at 10:43:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Adjust the glasses that I'm not even wearing.

Cel117 · 1 points · Posted at 10:43:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So at my work my mum or gran usually phone quite often if they need anything, just to chat, etc and I always end off the conversation by saying “love you” (as usual). One time my bosses wife phoned and at the end of the conversation I went “love you, bye” and put the phone down.

Luckily I’m good friends with my bosses family so we had a chuckle about it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:43:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I practice martial arts. When the sensey gives you an order you must shout at the top of your lungs "Hai" meaning "Yes". So one day the professor in university was reading the list of names to see who's present and when he read mine I just SHOUTED HAI!. He was a bit scared and I unsuccessfully tried to pass it off as a cough.

Macdoooodles · 1 points · Posted at 10:43:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At some point I got into the habit of listening to JRock when working on russian homework, and I guess the Japanese and Russian mixed together? This lead to one time when I accidentally wrote down romanized song lyrics for KISS OF DEATH during an in-class writing, didn't notice until I turned it in and my teacher gave me the weirdest ass look of "what the actual fuck is this".

She let me redo it since I got special good student privileges, but I was the butt of the "don't listen to music while studying" joke for a good bit.

Datsiqwolf · 1 points · Posted at 10:44:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove a hour home from work to my old apartment where my ex still lived. Got to the door and realized my new house key wouldn't fit in the main apartment entrance door.

At that point I started to panic and my mind started to race. "What's wrong with my key?! Is the lock broken?! Did they switch the locks and I was never informed?!".

Then I snapped out of auto pilot and realized I was trying to insert my new house key into the old door lock and that I had turned those old keys in a month ago. That was a long awkward drive with myself home.

badRLplayer · 1 points · Posted at 10:44:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have forgotten to shampoo my hair in the shower on multiple occasions.

bensonbravado · 1 points · Posted at 10:44:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thanked an ATM for giving me cash

scoresavvy · 1 points · Posted at 10:44:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've put the remote in the fridge many, many times. Turned out I've had an under active thyroid so now I'm on meds the 'brain fog' has kind of lifted.

AwesomeGuyAlpha · 1 points · Posted at 10:44:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once spent about 20 minutes looking for my glasses just when my sister told me about something that she was watching on the TV and then I took my glasses off and realized I was wearing them the whole time and I'm just so stupid. Lol

ProtestingBanana · 1 points · Posted at 10:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend was always going to the hospital for her daughters epilepsy, so much so, her other half took her on a date and they drove up to the hospital, instead of the cinema lol

magpiec · 1 points · Posted at 10:45:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After my boyfriend left me for his ex, I went to his mom and dad to break up with them with decency and let them know that I might not stay in touch with him but I'd love to stay in touch with the family because I had come to love and value them.

His mom told me he had got canker sores in his mouth. I was so numb that without thinking I drove to my doctor's office, asked them the remedy, bought it from the pharmacist and drove back to work and kept it on his desk and left.

I realized after the fact that it all came so naturally to me that I did not think while doing all this and it didn't matter that he had done a scummy thing to me, I just wanted him to be okay.

FitnessViking89 · 1 points · Posted at 10:45:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As so many else.. Woke up, got dressed, walked about 30min in the snow to the trainstation..Got irritated because the train was late.. It was midnight on a saturday...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Middle of summer, I worked part time (literally about 8 hours a week) and just did whatever a teenager would do if they had an entire week at home to themselves (be a lazy slob). To cope with the heat I hadn't worn socks or shoes at all unless I was leaving my property. It had been a particularly lazy week and I had my first shift in 6 days.

I walked to the bus stop, got the bus, stepped into work and only when I stood on the recently mopped floor did I realise I was walking around entirely barefoot 2 minutes into my shift.

rockettsaway · 1 points · Posted at 10:46:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the military, specifically when deployed, the worst thing you can do is leave your weapon lying around somewhere.

Shortly after an 8 month deployment, I woke up in the middle of the night at an acquaintances house and began frantically searching her entire apartment for my rifle. It took about 10 minutes and her waking for me to realize what was happening.

lickofpain7768 · 1 points · Posted at 10:46:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grazed the summit of the alps

meem_supreem · 1 points · Posted at 10:47:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One of my favorite bands finally had a show close to where I live, too bad I missed half the concert because I auto-piloted to the wrong venue

balancedinsanity · 1 points · Posted at 10:47:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I guess this will never be seen but the other night while driving home quite late and very tired I started driving to my parents house. I got about halfway there before I realized I don't live there any more and turned around.

BETRIS16 · 1 points · Posted at 10:47:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured orange juice on my cereal instead of milk and milk in the glass.

squeakstar · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school during a chemistry lesson I needed to ask a question of the teacher. I absent mindedly could see her for looking, and the blurred out “Where’s Mrs Boyle, my darling?” too loud. She was like two desks away from me and I said it so loud the class went silent.

“Well, I didn’t know you cared so much,” she said.

The whole class laughed I went bright red.

El_sturro · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

put my phone in the sink at took an empty bowl of cereal with me on the toilet.

GoldenBoatGamer · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went into the girls bathroom on the first day of school

Magikarp-3000 · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once the taxi driver asked me how I was doing,and I just answered the full, really long address of where I wanted to go. It was extremely akward, and I didn't say anything during the entire 30 minute trip

Anonymous3302 · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting cereal in fridge instead of milk. After making cereal.

ThatBottomDweller · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There were three lessons of English on Wednesday’s that I sat out of and did my own work for, since I moved to Sweden from England. My autopilot brain assumed that it was an hour and a half earlier than it was, even after checking my clock and schedule (somehow it didn’t click). Walked out of school still assuming it was the end of the day and somehow didn’t get caught. My parents asked why I was back so early and that’s when it clicked and I had to make up an excuse. The teacher never noticed I was gone and didn’t mark me as absent so no questions were asked. TL:DR Left an hour and a half early because I was zoned out, somehow didn’t get marked as absent

SchuffelsHD · 1 points · Posted at 10:48:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember one time back when I lived in my parents house. My room was in the basement with a weird ground window that I always kept closed, because I’m a gamer and sunlight burns. I went to bed at midnight having school in the morning. I woke up, had a shower, put on some clothes, put product in my hair etc... the whole nine yards of getting ready for school, only to open my front door and see that it’s pitch black outside... I check my phone to realize I slept for 30mins woke up and left for school at 12:30am. I did all this without even looking at my phone or any other items that shows the time in my house, not to mention that I did all this without waking my parents or sister up while not being the quietest because their all gone before I wake up normally.

singlesummerrip · 1 points · Posted at 10:49:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wear a lab coat every day at work and the motion of dropping my cellphone into the pocket is just reflex. I often drop my phone into my invisible lab coat after getting out of the shower.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:49:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once put my cigarettes in the fridge when I came came back from the shop 😕. There was another time I was making my morning coffee, and instead of grabbing the milk I picked up a 2ltr bottle of Irn Bru and used that instead..clearly I spend too much time going into my fridge.

Kelcius · 1 points · Posted at 10:49:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was like 13 or something I had overslept so I didn't have time to shower for like 3 days in a row so in the evening I was like "I have to get up on time and shower tomorrow!" (I guess I didn't like showering in the evening).

Well, I then wake up at 2 am as I stepped out of the shower when the cool air hit me.

Doomeep · 1 points · Posted at 10:49:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was dealing with a lot of stress at work and had a conversation than went like: "Hey how are you doing?" Me: "Yes."

jrg20 · 1 points · Posted at 10:50:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into my room with a cup of tea in one hand in one hand and my phone in the other hand. My intention was to throw my phone on my bed and put my tea on the desk. It did not turn out that way.

Fightingheart · 1 points · Posted at 10:50:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating icecream with my ex and while taking the spoon to my mouth to eat it I blew at it trying to cool it down like a soupe... needless to say I got laughed at really bad

foisyac · 1 points · Posted at 10:51:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thought it was gonna be a silent fart....sorry for the obvious crop dusting.

Welshie200 · 1 points · Posted at 10:51:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had pasta in a pan on the job waiting for some water to boil in the kettle, I was also making cereal, poured milk into the pan and then proceeded to stand there for a good minute trying to fathom how I managed to do that

DrBusyMind · 1 points · Posted at 10:52:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly catch myself on the verge of correcting the grammar of my colleagues (doctors and nurses) the way I correct my young child.

J0K3R_X · 1 points · Posted at 10:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was tired when I woke up in the morning and I threw my pajamas straight into the toilet instead of the laundry basket

Th3CatOfDoom · 1 points · Posted at 10:52:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was about to brush my teeth, put toothpaste on the brush, started brushing and was met with the most foul and unpleasant taste you could image. Realized that it wasn't toothpaste but liquid soap.

FrederikBL · 1 points · Posted at 10:52:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured rice in my cup and milk on my plate.. I was very confused

GarnerDay · 1 points · Posted at 10:53:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once said 'i dont want any fuckin spaghettio's' in a stage whisper on the bus.

Midan71 · 1 points · Posted at 10:53:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've stopped at a traffic light.... on green. It took me like 3 seconds to realise.

Tequillou · 1 points · Posted at 10:53:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was checking out at the grocery store and i thought the cashier was going to ask if I wanted the receipt, but instead she said "have a nice day". I replied with "no thank you". Or, having pizza delivered and the delivery boy saying ''enjoy your pizza" and replying with "thank you you too" doesnt work great either.

CrabbierBull391 · 1 points · Posted at 10:54:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when i woke up i forgot my bar of soap on my kitchen counter next where i usually keep my sandwiches that i made yesterday to eat in the morning because i don’t have much time and i bit the soap

VacuumSPP · 1 points · Posted at 10:54:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not sure if this counts. I occasionally had really early shifts at a job I had, I’d have to start at 5:30 AM and the commute was about 40 minutes. Also, my sleep schedule was absolute shit due to uni.

So, on one of those super early mornings, I decided to rest my eyes while walking to work, I suppose I ended up falling asleep while walking and ended up walking straight into a car parked at the side of the road.

The fact that I nearly walked into traffic scared me so much that it kept me awake for the rest of the trip.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:54:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time in middle school at the end of a presentation when everybody was clapping I did a praying sign instead. Very weird. Mind you it was a catholic private school.

extremez3r0 · 1 points · Posted at 10:54:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking with my roommate and getting tidy for the college.Then I put toothpaste on the toothbrush and my friend called me to say something. It distracted me and I took my antiperspirant and I returned to talk.Then I picked up the toothbrush again and while talking with him, I was about to start brushing my armpit with the toothbrush and paste. Just stopped about an inch of getting the most clean armpit of the city.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 10:54:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I told my mom I've been drinking at a party when she didn't allow me (while drunk and tired)

Raptor0nMeth · 1 points · Posted at 10:55:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a Surf School Apprentice Instructor for a summer season down in Westward Ho! South West England. Was probably about 15-16 at the time and my Boss asked me to collect the brightly coloured rash vests.

I just thought yeah sure this’ll be easy, so I grabbed all the ones from the lads getting changed outside and went towards the door to their annex.

There were maybe 20-25 Spanish girls all in various state’s of undress, the screams made me slam the door shut instantly.

Still get joked at for it every summer I go back.

crakankle23 · 1 points · Posted at 10:55:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Broke my arm in a soccer game. In the ER, I was flooded in morphin and I proceed to tell my dad, "this nurse is really hot!", with her standing right next to me. That "nurse", who was feeding me while I enjoyed a puppy show on Animal Planet, was my girlfriend.

ThatAdamsGuy · 1 points · Posted at 10:55:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working in McDonalds, needed to say excuse me to the person in the way, and "Two Large" to the person working fries.

Said two large to the person in the way and excuse me to fries.

In addition my fiancée works there too, I once rung her and she answered the phone saying "Hi, welcome to McDonalds, how can I help?" - I was cackling for a solid minute

KhaosElement · 1 points · Posted at 10:55:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does getting Pavloved count? I dated a girl that Pavloved me for sex with scent. She had this "You're getting lucky" perfume. She trained my stupid ass like crazy. After a year or so of this training that I had no idea was a thing, she ducked out to the bathroom on a date and put some on. Middle of public, without thinking, I just start reaching to grope her.

She thought it was goddamn hilarious, and looking back I think it's funny too, but god damn was I wrecked at the time. Thing is, it lasted longer than her. It was six months after we broke up, some random woman had the scent on, and I got an actual, literal, real life version of "What the fuck do I do with this boner?"

Jaeg3r_b0mbz · 1 points · Posted at 10:56:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking out of a restaurant with a buddy of mine, going right back to the car in the parking lot, see my car, get closer, whip out key fob and press the unlock button, we both open the doors and get in. Kinda stare around the inside for a second..."wtf this isn't our car"...get out of the car, it's like a silver honda accord or something (my car at the time was a red Mazda 6 so not even remotely close) realize I had parked in the same spot as this guy but one aisle over. Best part was that the owner of the silver car left the doors unlocked, really adding to the confusion when we got inside and buckled up all ready to go.

WiseMagpie · 1 points · Posted at 10:56:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My BFF and I call each other "love" and one day I had just chatted to him on the phone when one of my least favourite co-workers waltzed into my room to ask me something.

I was obviously preoccupied and after they thanked me, I said, "no problem love."

Of all the people in the entire organisation, I had to call the spawn of Satan, "love."

FML

altitude_sikness · 1 points · Posted at 10:58:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a decent little Brooklyn restaurant with friends one night. Waters everywhere, a few candles. I picked up the candle and drank the candle.

Shad0wFa1c0n · 1 points · Posted at 10:58:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I took the trash out and threw my keys with it. Apartment trash bin... Had to dig my keys out with a tape measure. Best part was it had just rained so my keys were covered in nasty garbage juice

ManMooseBird · 1 points · Posted at 10:58:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to get a drink of milk from a carton straight from the fridge.

Without thinking I picked up the orange juice and took a swig.

I nearly vomited until I realised.

NyGiLu · 1 points · Posted at 10:58:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was grocery shopping when my baby brother was standing in front of me. I lovingly smoothed his hair out, like I always do. Wasn't my brother. Just some random dude looking like him from behind

NumerousMagoo · 1 points · Posted at 10:59:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

First ever permanent job. Socially awkward as fuck. Break time with new workmates. Get a coffee. Proceed to pour all the sugar straight in the bin.

Draycinn · 1 points · Posted at 10:59:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On a first date we were almost late for the movies because I directed us to my work instead of the movie theatre.

Jaywoah · 1 points · Posted at 11:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As Heidegger and Grace Potter would say - are we falling or flying?

NyGiLu · 1 points · Posted at 11:01:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When shopping at the supermarket I keep talking to the cart and softly moving it back and forth. People look at me like I am crazy, but I just keep forgetting I don't take the baby with me anymore 🤦‍♀️

CoffeeBoi123 · 1 points · Posted at 11:01:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just let my saliva drool out on my bed.

tallybee · 1 points · Posted at 11:01:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah, that'd be neat.

turtlerainy · 1 points · Posted at 11:02:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a pan of pasta off the hob and we to strain it. However I didn't move to the sink, I did it smack bang in the middle of the kitchen and boiling water was all over the floor.

Hubba_Hubba08 · 1 points · Posted at 11:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was still getting used to night shifts, I bid a coworker "nighty-night!" as he was walking out. He popped his head back in and laughed so hard at me

Jimmy-sama · 1 points · Posted at 11:03:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I was a filthy little student living like an animal, I used a spare coffee cup instead of an ashtray in my bedroom.

There were many mornings of swear words and ruined coffee, let me tell you.

high_snobiety · 1 points · Posted at 11:03:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shit!, I'm late to the party

I was boiling vegetables in a pan and had just finished. Grabbed a sieve to drain them and instead of standing over the sink I just poured the pan straight over the floor.

unrealm8 · 1 points · Posted at 11:04:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my best friend has an issue with apologising in odd situations. She's not even Canadian.

More than a few times when she's gotten change from someone in a shop and she'll cheerfully say "Sorry!" as she takes it. It wouldn't be as funny if she wasn't so happy about it every time.

lisamet · 1 points · Posted at 11:04:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other day...

Friend to me; “Happy Birthday!”

Me: “Happy Birthday!”

My teen daughter: “No, Mom...they said Happy Birthday!”

Me: “I know! Happy Birthday!”

Everyone else: ......

Me, still not getting it: ......

“Ohhhhh. Thanks!”

tigger837 · 1 points · Posted at 11:05:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the phone to my boyfriend who wanted me to head over to his place so we could head out together to an event “yeah sure babe, I’ll head over in a minute, I just have to find my phone first”. He continued to chat to me for about 15 minutes while I searched my house for the phone I was talking on. He knew the whole time what was going on and just went along with it trying not to laugh.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:05:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crossed the road when the green traffic light was on instead of the green pedestrian light.

TypicalChampion · 1 points · Posted at 11:06:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a salesman. After closing will, shake their hand abs always say "and if you have any questions about the product at all, don't hesitate to call us". I bought a car recently and told the guy selling it to me "if he had any questions about the car, don't hesitate to call me". Pretty sure he thought I was hitting on him

NNeast · 1 points · Posted at 11:06:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

talking to friends like to my youger brothers " oh look that's a bike"

IcecreamFace97 · 1 points · Posted at 11:07:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I make oven pizzas, I like to add on some fresh spinach to get some extra greens in. Since I don’t want the spinach to be over cooked, I usually open up the oven halfway through the bake time toss the spinach leaves in one or two at a time. There’s no finesse to it whatsoever; I just chuck the leaves in and hope they land on the pizza.

One day, one of my roommates saw me doing this and asked why I didn’t just stick my hand in and place the spinach directly onto the pizza, to which I said “it’s because I don’t trust my uncoordinated and flimsy arms to be able to avoid touching the inside of the oven if I reach in there”.

He challenged me and said, “Wow, sounds like you’re basically afraid of the oven then”

I was completely baited and decided to show him I could reach inside and do it easily. I grabbed an oven mit and pulled out the oven tray with it on my left hand, and then I looked up at my roommate looking all smug. After placing a few spinach leaves onto the pizza, I go to push the tray back in with my uncovered right hand and immediately yell out in pain. My roommate just starts dying of laughter as I realize that I’ve burned three of my fingers, and I couldn’t help but laugh too! Couldn’t write for a few days smh

Also started unbuttoning my shirt at a urinal one time instead of my pants.

w1ld_c4rd · 1 points · Posted at 11:07:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have driven to the wrong place many times. When I first started college sometime during the second week I accidentally drove to my high school which is in the opposite direction. I've also accidentally driven to school when I'm supposed to be going to work.

Rulimau5 · 1 points · Posted at 11:07:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a long day of driving I was trying to open the door to my house with the remote car keys

Esoteric_Erric · 1 points · Posted at 11:07:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often give my wife a pat on the ass if I'm passing her around the house, it's automatic.

I can't be the only one who has done this with his mother in law, by accident on auto pilot.

happyskumfidus · 1 points · Posted at 11:08:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At home I have a kettle that you put over the stove to heat up the water. A few months ago I visited my boyfriend and he lives in a student hotel, has his own room but everyone on that floor share a kitchen. I had just got my ears pierced and I needed hot water to clean it with so he told me I could go to the kitchen and heat up the kettle and bring back the water and he’d help me clean my piercing. So I went to the kitchen, put water in their kettle and put it on the stove. I stood there for a bit wondering why it took so long and why it was starting to smell like something got burnt. Turns out it was an electric kettle and I burned it. I walked back slowly and took my time explaining the situation to him cuz I felt so stupid, he still brings it up.

CAVAL13R · 1 points · Posted at 11:08:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at a radio station, and a pizza store at the same time, while at Uni.

One night, picked up the phone at the pizza store and answered with “(station name) Community Switch board (my name) speaking, how can I help you?”

The other end was silent, as was now the store.

I clicked, and rolled again without saying a word.

“Good evening (store name) may I take your order?”

littlesheepcat · 1 points · Posted at 11:08:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What’s funny’s what you’ve done while NOT on Auto Pilot

Uhhh, it was a test for your awareness co-pilot

DEFINITELY not a mistake

gracer_5 · 1 points · Posted at 11:09:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I take morning medications and evening medications, a couple times I have accidentally taken my evening meds (which include a sleeping pill) in the morning while on auto pilot. This unfortunately happened one day before school and I fell asleep at my desk and subsequently onto the floor.

Thomastheshankengine · 1 points · Posted at 11:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think most people have, but I’ve poured my orange juice over my cereal on several occasions while doing my morning routine.

RJMulvey · 1 points · Posted at 11:10:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I finished eating a bowl of cereal, went upstairs and put the empty bowl in the bathroom sink.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:12:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the phone with a female friend (my mom knows I was too) and my mom is talking to me while I'm on the phone. I go to hang up, tell my mom "Talk to you later" and the friend "Love you!". I hate myself.

The-Danish-Guy84 · 1 points · Posted at 11:12:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me at The hospital.

Really nice Nurse: Good luck with the surgery.

Auto pilot me: you too.

I where goin to have some infected mouth skin removed.

OrdelOriginal · 1 points · Posted at 11:13:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was eating fries with ketchup and a mug full of iced tea. Dipped my fries into the iced tea instead of the ketchup.

Luckily for me, my tastebuds were also on auto pilot so they didn't give a shit

lovethylabor · 1 points · Posted at 11:13:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant and I can’t count the number of times I’ll be at the grocery store and yell, “Corner!” I’ll also do it just going into my bathroom sometimes.

milkfacebryan · 1 points · Posted at 11:15:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

used to have a bucket to throw my dirty clothes into after school, which was near a dustbin. accidentally threw my socks into the dustbin along with whatever trash i had on me, on multiple occasions

Lonely_kakapo · 1 points · Posted at 11:15:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Squeezed hand soap onto my toothbrush and started to clean my teeth with it. Would not recommend. I could taste it for the rest of the day.

tezzabelle · 1 points · Posted at 11:15:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my phone in the fridge when putting away my breakfast things. I could see on ‘find my phone’ that it was in the house somewhere, but couldn’t find it for two days - it was behind a block of cheese.

Guzernn · 1 points · Posted at 11:15:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talked

Yoyoitsyoboy · 1 points · Posted at 11:15:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up and saw my alarm at 4:30 and knew I had a 1-10 closing shift. I jumped out of bed, got dressed and went out to my car when I realized it was 4:30 am.

DudeWhatOo · 1 points · Posted at 11:16:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

every morning when i go to the toilet before taking a shower i take of my shirt and throw it in the washing machine (which stands next to the toilet).

one time i took it off and threw it in the toilet. took me some seconds to realize what i did

Yukipsina · 1 points · Posted at 11:16:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Crashed a plane?

KapteinKuk · 1 points · Posted at 11:16:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the remote control in the refrigerator. No, I don’t have Alzheimers.

BassJL44 · 1 points · Posted at 11:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many years ago I had a crush on a girl. I had a dream about her (not that kind you perves ;P) I texted my best friend sharing it with him. A couple days later I had another dream and went to text my friend...ended up texting the girl and saying, “Dude, I had another dream about (girl) again!” I didn’t realize it until she texted back saying, “Ew, that’s weird, stop having dreams about me.”

I wanted to jump off a bridge right after that.

rexkwando52 · 1 points · Posted at 11:17:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a Chef. I was getting some beer out the tap to make Beer Batter. 10 minutes later someone shouted from the bar "why is the tap on and beer everywhere?" we looked on CCTV I filled my bowl with beer and just walked off without stopping it... Just left it running..... That was pretty embarrassing...

Kandiruaku · 1 points · Posted at 11:17:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tesla Model S driver, AP generation 1, ride 90% of my occasional 2h trip on an interstate on autopilot. Would not dream of using AP anywhere but on a light traffic four lane road with a lot of emergency shoulder.

That said in 2015, in APs infancy I activated it and the car followed a truck at the exit, I realized it too late, we laughed our heads off. Now AP is much more mature.

If the Big Three don't wake up soon, Tesla will burry them.

crando25 · 1 points · Posted at 11:17:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had been helping my mom with some of her bills and things around the time I had a doctor's appointment. They called my name to go into the room and asked me what my birthdate was. Without hesitation and with full confidence I gave the PA my mother's birthdate. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me and I realized my mistake. I tried to explain but she still gave me the weirdest look and I felt like an idiot

LanceHartwood · 1 points · Posted at 11:18:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my key into the lock of the flat that was exactly one floor under my own flat. I tried to open it for a while. When I heard movement inside my autopilot went off and I realized how dumb I am. I live in the 3rd floor (the last one of the house) and I should have realized the staircase right next to me when trying to open that door.

Sythgara · 1 points · Posted at 11:18:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cut up some strawberries and put them in a box yesterday. Only to find today I put that box back in the cupboard. Yes, they're in the bin now. Moldy

insanity_geo · 1 points · Posted at 11:18:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

opened my fridge thinking it was the microwave

gabrielroz · 1 points · Posted at 11:18:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was brushing my teeth once as a kid, then opened the drawer and spit the toothpaste in it. Took me five seconds to realize what I did, while my parents looked at me with disgust. They got mad and had to clean every item from the drawer becaus of my dumbass.

Vinylcrackhead · 1 points · Posted at 11:19:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid in class I put my hand up to ask to go to the toilet. I preceeded to stand up, walk to the front of the class and piss in the wastepaper basket. No fucking idea why that was auto pilot mode but yeah...

coolnjebs998 · 1 points · Posted at 11:19:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spaced out while making a tea and next thing I knew, I was pouring hot water into the teabag container.

Cellhawk · 1 points · Posted at 11:19:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Since we're separating plastic waste in our household, we usually just keep the yogurt cups in the kitchen sink and as we wash the dishes, they get cleaned a little of the leftover food. As I was always used to put my spoon in the kitchen sink at the same time as the yogurt cup in the trash can, I sometimes throw the spoon in the trash, now.

cptboogaloo · 1 points · Posted at 11:19:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Drove to the gate, got out the tractor, opened gate, drove through the gate, tractor door on the floor!

Forgot to shut the door before putting my foot down!

Edit:Found a pic!

Willfreckles · 1 points · Posted at 11:20:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After working a long day on the McDonalds drive thru, I answered the phone to my mum with: “Hi! Welcome to McDondalds, can I take your order?”

Smobaite · 1 points · Posted at 11:20:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a coffee shop where almost everything anybody would order is have to ask "would you like that toasted today" on occasion of even ask it when all they ordered was coffee

turboyabby · 1 points · Posted at 11:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was really tired at work. I was talking to my female boss and mid conversation I just reached down and adjusted my balls. (Outside of my .pants) I was half way through said adjustment and just froze. I finished my sentence and left her office. It was never mentioned. The cringe factor was huge.

MoonagePretender · 1 points · Posted at 11:21:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often do things like pour cereal into cups and attempt to pour my drink on the floor

Brigon · 1 points · Posted at 11:21:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in a sink once on autopilot. I think my brain was focused on washing my mug then peeing but I somehow slipped the 4 steps between sink and urinal.

XavierScorpionIkari · 1 points · Posted at 11:22:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every time I walk out of a convenience store or fast food restaurant, I automatically grab my keys off of my belt loop. That’s fine, but not when I’m in my work vehicle that the keys are in and the truck is running. I just did it less than five minutes ago. And I do it all the time. Damn that muscle memory.

LittleMlem · 1 points · Posted at 11:22:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a r/suddenlygay moment when I did a lazy high five with a dude and the moment our hands touched both of us had the boyfriend reflex kick in and we interlocked fingers and held for like 3 seconds trying to figure it why this was wrong. Our girlfriends cracked up and mine still refers to the dude as my side chick

Strictly-Come-Fappin · 1 points · Posted at 11:22:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have thrown my socks into the toilet rather than the laundry basket

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:23:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Talking to a friend over the phone while looking for my phone.

Putting on my sunglasses in the middle of the night and wondering how it got so dark. So I turned on the lights.

Blastel · 1 points · Posted at 11:24:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in elementary school, I remember I was going to whisper something into my teachers ear, which I did! But, while pulling away, I also instinctively kissed her on the cheek. She was totally fine with it and laughed it off, but I thought it was really embarassing.

HirokiTakumi · 1 points · Posted at 11:24:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drive to work. Seriously... I think this is the one thing everyone might do on auto pilot, but it's so common we don't even realize it or talk about it. I get in my car and take off, then I'm at work. Sometimes I'll zone in during the drive and think "wait, I'm supposed to turn here... When did I get here?"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:24:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Changed Classes in the middle of the school year. Went to my 'regular' lesson, sat in the wrong class. Took me about half an hour to notice. Whats remarkable: in this class of about 20 people everyone knew. Nobody said a thing.

Gunnersaurish · 1 points · Posted at 11:25:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work in the morning still half asleep, I went to the bathroom for an auto pilot piss and suddenly realised I wasn't using the urinal, I was using the bin next to it. Luckily noone else was there!

LeagueOfCats · 1 points · Posted at 11:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured orange juice into my cereal. I always have cereal with a glass of orange juice.

FisherPrice_Hair · 1 points · Posted at 11:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a looooong day at work, I walked up to a cashpoint (ATM), took my house key out of my pocket and stared at the ATM and my key for a good 10 or so seconds, before putting it away and getting my card out.

LatanyaNiseja · 1 points · Posted at 11:26:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a looooong night with my baby and during nap time I wanted to boil some eggs for a sandwich. So i put the water and eggs on and sit on the lounge kind of enjoying the silence, staring at my fish tank. Suddenly I smell burning! Wth?! Yep, its been on so long that the egg shells started to burn in the pot. And then the baby woke up. Sigh

prettigyrl44 · 1 points · Posted at 11:26:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Always take the bus to work. One day take car to work. Forgot until I got home and thought my car was stolen. Nope it's in expensive downtown city parking.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drooled in front of a teacher. :c

richieahb · 1 points · Posted at 11:27:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The old classic of trying to use contactless debit card to get in the front door (I use the tube to get to work). Normally get to the point where I have my wallet out and am looking around for where to tap.

minotor12 · 1 points · Posted at 11:27:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I first thought this was about Tesla Driving on autopilot, the answers were really weird.

baysoi · 1 points · Posted at 11:28:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After some severe jet lag I once poured clothes washing detergent into an empty glass and mixed it with water. Luckily I caught myself before drinking it. The glass had a strange texture for days after that.

j9boosh · 1 points · Posted at 11:28:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember coming home from school one day, taking off my coat and shoes... and putting the shoes right in the kitchen bin! I have no idea why I did it. I was so confused and I got yelled at by my mum because she thought I did I on purpose. 😂

peterino99 · 1 points · Posted at 11:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying thanks to a vending-machine

Magikmus · 1 points · Posted at 11:29:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throwing m'y socks in the trash instead of the basket, done that way too many times

aseedandco · 1 points · Posted at 11:29:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often used to rock the trolley (shopping cart) like a pram, even when I didn’t have the baby with me.

jolzischmolzi · 1 points · Posted at 11:29:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were sitting in front of a friends house, getting high. At some point I must have thought to myself "I wanna go inside". Without saying anything, I get up and try to unlock the door with my own key. When that doesn't work, I realize what I just did and look at my friends, who give me the "oh shit he's gone insane"-look

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:32:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've tried umto unlock my house front door with my car key fob

Kattsu-Don · 1 points · Posted at 11:32:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

More than once I have said “I love you” when hanging up the phone with friends or coworkers. My wife laughs every time I tell her it happens.

samuelfong5 · 1 points · Posted at 11:32:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Medical student here. On my first day of hospital posting I was in the lift when an attending (what brits call consultants) walked in. Awkward silence until his floor reached and he said "all the best" as he exited. (Probably knew it was my first day). I gleefully said "you too!" in return

RugbyHuntress · 1 points · Posted at 11:33:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was watching my neighbors dog for about a month. I was so used to the habit of getting up every morning before work to take care of him I forgot she already came back. I used her garage code to get in the house at 5am before work to take care of her dog and my neighbor walked out. She looked terrified, It was so embarrassing I don't think I will forget the look on her face...

grantipoos · 1 points · Posted at 11:34:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picks up my mobile: "G'day, this is IT Department, grantipoos speaking. Oh hi Mum"

Thanatoast250 · 1 points · Posted at 11:35:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Freshman year we got done with our Friday Night Tabletop Game Night and we were going to Taco Bell afterwards. One of the seniors who was there at the time went to the restroom. I had to go, too, and I ended up autopiloting to the door behind him. Thing is, it was a one-person bathroom, and i only snapped back to reality after he goes "are you FOLLOWING me to the BATHROOM?!" when we got to the door. EVERYONE (between 10-15 people) was staring. Not a great first impression, to say the least. I about left back to my dorm out of embarrassment.

canadasbananas · 1 points · Posted at 11:37:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The cafe I worked at closed early on Friday, like 3pm. One-day that was NOT a Friday my brain was fried and I started hustling the customers to be ready to leave cuz we're closing. My coworker had to tell me to stop. I still cringe.

Katescar · 1 points · Posted at 11:38:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I laughed so hard at the comments in this thread that I woke my boyfriend up at 6am on a saturday. I'm dying here!

beckieyh · 1 points · Posted at 11:38:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opening one of those paper sachets of sugar and pouring it into the bin instead of my tea

(at those little stations you find in cafes where theres a bin hole)

denialriversun · 1 points · Posted at 11:39:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Left a towel behind so my friend flew to her family for a bit before flying home with it. They take up a bit of space, so yeah sorry for that haha.

(oops, I posted a few comments here on autopilot without realizing the thread was related to being on autopilot)

TheKingleMingle · 1 points · Posted at 11:39:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I asked for change from the man holding me up at knife point. He was also clearly running on autopilot, as he gave it to me!

gabn_29_31 · 1 points · Posted at 11:40:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slapped a stranger’s butt and was about to kiss her until I realized it wasn’t my girlfriend but just a random girl who had the same clothes. Eh worst day of my life and had to explain because she thought I was a weirdo (I was about 15-16 at the time ehhhh)

Aaron8828 · 1 points · Posted at 11:40:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

putting leftovers into the dishwasher and dumping the plates into the trash

HermitCat347 · 1 points · Posted at 11:40:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked as service staff for Cafe during term breaks. Went out with my then girlfriend of 3 months to a a fast food joint after my shift. The guy at the counter was a little slow and the NETS machine was doing that "please remove card" beeping thing. Instinctively plucked it out, tore off my reciept and order number, all this while wondering why the layout felt so odd.

Now she makes sure to hold my hand whenever we order food together 😂😂

cy_nide · 1 points · Posted at 11:41:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tripped over a tree root and blurted "sorry!"

KrishaCZ · 1 points · Posted at 11:41:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandma who lives in the upper floor of our house gives me food for our outside cat whom I feed in the basement. So of course today, when mum sent me to get some potatoes in the basement, I grabbed them and took them upstairs.

denialriversun · 1 points · Posted at 11:41:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Me and a friend were fooling around with broomsticks as guitars and when the beat "dropped" I hopped up and down three times without thinking too much about it except that I knew I was being silly. Was so embarrassing in hindsight we certainly laughed at that. But hey I still died when it was posted on a 100 people strong study group

PM_ME_UR_COMPLAIN · 1 points · Posted at 11:41:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Worked at a pizza restaurant for many years, sometimes when I was off and got a phone call I would answer "Thanks for holding, this is pm_ur_complains how can I help you"

OzBonus · 1 points · Posted at 11:42:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I teach kids and need to adopt certain mannerisms to keep their attention and communicate clearly. It bleeds into my interactions with adults pretty often.

One thing I do is narrate what my actions. "OK, let's see if I have enough money. That's ten, fifteen, eighteen!"

More often though is I make sound effects. Pushing a button requires a "boop", stapling a "ka-cha", and opening something to look inside an "ooooh!"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:42:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sort of autopilot, I guess. I was dreaming that I was eating paste for some reason. I realized mid-dream that I was doing so I started spitting the glue into the garbage. I woke up as I was spitting into the air and landing on my face.

marabou22 · 1 points · Posted at 11:42:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While working the register at a busy bookstore just before Christmas, I tried to call over the next person in line. Instead I yelled “may I ask who’s calling please?”

ajstorey456 · 1 points · Posted at 11:42:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work, my friend was asked to make salads and we're both dishwashers, so he doesn't do that often. He's chopping cucumbers and tomatoes while chatting with someone, and I turn around to see him sawing at the tomato with the knife backwards. He keeps trying for a while.

I ask him what he's doing, he just goes "Oh." I was giggling the rest of the night.

denialriversun · 1 points · Posted at 11:43:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wore slightly different coloured socks at school one day and the prefect found out. So did the boys around me. Didn't make a difference to me before but now I make a point of having the right shade of gray.. I mean there are at least 50, right? Some may even say 256. Haha

shaded_in_dover · 1 points · Posted at 11:43:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but one night my wife had a bad dream and woke me up to get some comfort. See I work in IT so my ever loving response was “Did you put in a ticket?” ... and then rolled over and went back to sleep.

I still haven’t lived that one down.

denialriversun · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

In pre-school my friend Gerhard wasn't there one day so I screamed his name all over the playground looking for him..

(oops, I posted a few comments here on autopilot without realizing the thread was related to being on autopilot)

McCree_Main · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the milk in the cupboard and cereal in the fridge

Nightshader23 · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was younger, i would often bring my pencil to the toilet. After getting to the sink i'd realise..

Wraith_03 · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When my husband & I make general I contact I blow a little kiss to him. I have done this once or twice to collegues when we randomly made eye contact.

emceelokey · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party so this will probably be buried but I got a new debit card in the mail. I didn't order it but it was sent to me because all the cards from the bank were being upgraded to cards with chips. I open the envelope, take it out, set it down on my table for a bit, activate it then set it down again then about 30 minutes proceed to cut it up and throw it out... Right as I threw the last piece in the trash I realized that that one had the chip and the one in my wallet didn't....

Pyshki · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured up a glass of milk and poured orange juice into my cereal. I blame my sedatives.

Petty_Bitch · 1 points · Posted at 11:44:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About 4 years ago I was running late for my classes but I also had to go to the store quickly. When I entered it I said ''I’m sorry for being late’’ instead of ''hello''. Luckily for me there were no costumers, only the cashier. He just looked at me like a was a crazy person and that was hands down one of the most cringy moments in my life.

Tytofyre42 · 1 points · Posted at 11:45:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lost my keys on autopilot and looked consciously for an hour before going back on autopilot and finding it without being aware until five minutes later.

WolfColaCo · 1 points · Posted at 11:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Needed to weigh some peas for a recipe. Took the scales out the cupboard and the peas out the freezer. Put the peas back in the cupboard and didn't realise. Cue my partner finding a defrosted soggy bag of peas in the cupboard the next day and thinking I had gone insane.

Oh and the other day I had just got up and was brushing my teeth and spat the toothpaste onto the floor. The realisation and then thinking what the fuck is wrong with me was quite something.

denialriversun · 1 points · Posted at 11:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Can't remember what it was about but in primary school this buff punk punched me in the guts during art class and my lungs just kinda exhaled with an "uhhhh" sound and the class was looking at me. Just carried on after that.

(oops, I posted a few comments here on autopilot without realizing the thread was related to being on autopilot)

LewdMoth67 · 1 points · Posted at 11:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Murder 10 civilizations in a week.

MeRachel · 1 points · Posted at 11:46:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called my teacher grandma. My friends gave me shit about that for weeks.

hemptations · 1 points · Posted at 11:46:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up this morning, took a shit, got a shower, got dressed, packed some food and drinks and headed to work. Luckily I live less than a mile from my employer so it was just a quick trip but still

hiiamadda · 1 points · Posted at 11:47:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Looking for glasses for 5 minutes. Realised I was already wearing them. Looking for the keys. Left them in the fridge. I still don’t know how they got there

JamesDePression911 · 1 points · Posted at 11:47:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Ex wife and her sister in law swapped a very specific pair of Yoga Pants, which I was unaware of. It was winter, everyone had just come in from outside and were wearing hats. My wife and her SIL have (had? It's been 2 years idk) similar builds and since SIL was wearing the yoga Pants my wife always wore, I just Walked up and slapped her booty, then put my arm around her shoulder. She was probably as shocked as I was when we looked at each other, because she thought it was her husband. We both started away, then she laughed and I apologized profusely to everyone. I was still building a relationship with my BIL so I was terrified that would fuck it up.

Little did I know that a surprise divorce would do that instead!

browncowmeow · 1 points · Posted at 11:47:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I seem to have a real issue when I'm on autopilot and shopping. I can't seem to remember that we don't give cashiers our debit cards anymore....I've done it so much that I now have an excuse like old habits are hard to break...can't shake it.

CFCBeanoMike · 1 points · Posted at 11:48:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk away in the cupboard instead of the fridge

flydelt · 1 points · Posted at 11:48:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had the autopilot on and had to climb the airplane to higher altitude. Embarrassingly chose vertical speed mode which is not the ideal climb mode at high altitude. Airspeed started to drop until I noticed what was happening so I lowered the airplanes nose and picked a more preferred auto pilot function.

Br1t1shNerd · 1 points · Posted at 11:48:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my friend. He was very tired and went to McDonald's. Man says "would you like a tray, sir?" My friend, "but I'm already tracer". Awkward moment of silence and disbelief. Friend quickly takes food and leaves.

Nono5D · 1 points · Posted at 11:48:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We have this one classroom in our school where the door is heavier than the others and closes by itself. One morning when I tried to enter I opened the door only take a step forward and walk face first into it because it didn't open all the way and it was already closing halfway.

mathew56765 · 1 points · Posted at 11:48:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked up to the entry door at work and instead of holding my ID card up to the scanner, I had my house key out and tried to put it in the key hole. I just looked at the security camera with a "yep, it's gonna be one of those days" type of look and went inside.

RageMachinist · 1 points · Posted at 11:49:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We all have identical doors in my flat block. That's awkward on so many levels.

I've tried to open various neighbors doors while tired and forgetting which floor I'm on.

Peeche94 · 1 points · Posted at 11:49:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured milk into my sugar tin. Was supposed to go in my tea cup.

Trinder88 · 1 points · Posted at 11:49:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was coffee server/greeter at a furniture store as a part time role when I was 16, I would have to ask everyone who walked in whether they wanted a cup of coffee. It became autopilot. Monday morning, I'm getting on a bus and instead of telling the driver where I wanted to go I asked him... "would you like a cup of coffee sir?" Never received such a confused look in all my life hahaha

TEEUnicorn · 1 points · Posted at 11:49:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just keep on putting my juice in the bowl and yoghurt in my glass on the mornings.

kc_mod · 1 points · Posted at 11:50:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so used to doing this with my wofe, but I almost slapped my coworker/friend on the butt

NetaFeta · 1 points · Posted at 11:50:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother threw a small snack in the air and caught it in his mouth, so I tried the same. With my phone.

While cutting aluminum with a giant table saw, instead of yelling to everyone around me "careful" (as per workshop protocol) I yelled "good morning".

Called my girlfriend mom.

Threw ceramic plates in the garbage.

The list goes on.

jonny0184 · 1 points · Posted at 11:50:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a bag of frozen chicken marsala up to my ear to listen for instructions. Realized what I was doing a split second later but still scared myself with how stupid it was.

jus_thatgirl · 1 points · Posted at 11:51:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cashier at movies - "enjoy the movie" Me - "you too"

lilchicken13 · 1 points · Posted at 11:52:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While eating ramen, I drank a coca-cola. I blew on my soda to make it cooler before a sip...

WreckzNFX · 1 points · Posted at 11:52:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this one pretty regularly but every time I’m at the movies and the cashier says “enjoy your movie” I almost always say “thanks you too.”

nderflow · 1 points · Posted at 11:52:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Came down to the kitchen. Got out my mug. Took the lid off the tub of instant coffee, put a spoonful of it into my mug. Boiled the kettle. Poured the boiling water into the whole tub of instant coffee.

Realising what I'd done, I put the kettle down, and thought, "If I'm still that asleep, maybe I'd better drink it."

ckr02a · 1 points · Posted at 11:52:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a Blockbuster. The front door had a distinctive “ding” to it. There have been several times where I’ve heard that “ding” and go all Pavlov’s Dog with a “hi—welcome to...” shit that as weird.

PlayerHeadcase · 1 points · Posted at 11:52:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Testing a racing game and looking for powerups on the road when driving home..

Too much overtime!

IdkWhatNameTooPut · 1 points · Posted at 11:52:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mother always told me to say "yeah you too" when someone wishes me a good day so whenever I go the a hotel and the receptionist says "Hope you enjoy your stay" I would answer "yeah you too"

qawsed_ · 1 points · Posted at 11:54:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thank the automatic barriers at tube stations way too often

havelock77777 · 1 points · Posted at 11:54:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying I love you to someone on the phone or in person by accident- please tell me I’m not the only one that’s done this!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 11:54:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter: Bon appétit!

Me: thanks, you too

badtelcotech · 1 points · Posted at 11:54:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't happen to me nor did I witness it myself, but a friend once told me she had a guest staying over who got up in the middle of the night to wee, and got the closet confused with the bathroom.

Razor488 · 1 points · Posted at 11:54:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I shook up a bottle of Gatorade without the top on it.

msf2115 · 1 points · Posted at 11:55:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I forgot how old I am and had to ask a friend at work. Senior moment in my late 20's, good times.

wildsnst · 1 points · Posted at 11:55:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating a fortune cookie. All of a sudden I realized it must have been old because it was weirdly chewy. Nope, it wasn't old. I forgot to break it open first and was chewing the fortune paper.

5weirdos · 1 points · Posted at 11:56:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once introduced myself to a woman named Renee saying, hi Renee, I’m (name that rhymes with Renee and is similar to but NOT my real name!). After I heard myself I just stopped and said, no....actually I’m (real name). It was so awkward.

iscoutz · 1 points · Posted at 11:56:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw my dirty clothes in the garbage can instead of the laundry basket.

Rosemadder19 · 1 points · Posted at 11:57:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stopped to get gas, paid, and then promptly drove away with no gas. I was very confused at first why my tank was on empty when I got home.

TallDarkAndHarrison · 1 points · Posted at 11:57:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making chicken broth from a chicken carcass. Poured the carcass and broth through a strainer into the sink like I was straining spaghetti. Broth went down the drain.

gtm88 · 1 points · Posted at 11:57:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not embarrassing but most deffinetly autopilot. When I use the bathroom in the day the light is off yet everytime I leave the bathroom in the day I turn the light on as I'm so used to turning the light off as I leave the bathroom!

VeryUnuniqueUsername · 1 points · Posted at 11:57:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't have the first class in school on Mondays but I still keep my alarm at the exact time it wakes me up for all other days so I usually go full auto pilot and prepare to go to school, check my class schedule and then realise it is Monday. One time I actually almost went to school at that time

ade-the-tog · 1 points · Posted at 11:58:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying "bye love you" to my head of year after a meeting with my mother after school.

Also almost using the bin as a toilet and vice versa.

disasterouslyME · 1 points · Posted at 11:58:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to smoke a lot of weed. Like A LOT! During that time, our apartment was being inspected. Idk about anyone else but I like to sleep naked. Whats the first thing anyone does when they wake up? So I’m walking out of my room after I was told to get up because the man who did the inspections was there. Walked through the hallway, into the bathroom, and the man SAW ME!

Raven_TheClaw · 1 points · Posted at 11:59:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once put my phone in a bowl and tried to pour milk in it then I realized what I was doing and I poured cereal on my phone.

I am always semiconscious.

RegretKills0 · 1 points · Posted at 11:59:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I get up at 4am for work 5-6 days a week. Id say I wear my slippers to work once a month on average. Luckily my job is only a 5 minute drive

Wirehype · 1 points · Posted at 11:59:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Out shopping one day I dodged left to avoid an approaching male who dodged the same way , I dodged right so did he, I was walking toward a mirrored pillar, it was my reflection I was dodging doh

Inapoptosis · 1 points · Posted at 12:00:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time at the airport security, I removed my belt,put it in the tray, then began to unbutton my jean. I took some time to realise what I was doing and the guy was just looking at me with big eyes

Lucky_Doo · 1 points · Posted at 12:00:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think this is pretty common, but whenever someone says "have a nice day", my immediate response is "thanks you too". The embarrassing thing is when store clerks say "thanks for shopping at..." or "enjoy your..." I still say "thanks you too" then shuffle away while inwardly cursing my stupidity.

Carya_spp · 1 points · Posted at 12:01:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Now that I’m a teacher I know that this happens all the time, but I’m still mortified that I called my 3rd grade teacher “mom”.

Dobz699 · 1 points · Posted at 12:01:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One year, relatives came over for Christmas. I came downstairs, they said Happy Christmas, I said Thanks! Awkward silence for awhile after that...

Noodleman212 · 1 points · Posted at 12:01:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got out of my car and saw i left my windows down I put my hand through my car window from standing outside to put my windows up. It got stuck on my arm and i kept going down and uo thinking wtf and then realised after a few attempts. I had a long day at work okay.

Supernewt · 1 points · Posted at 12:03:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There is the usual attempt to put cereal in the fridge and milk in the cupboard. That's quite common. I also have a habit of making tea and then leaving it on the side only to remember I'm thirsty an hour later and walk to find a cold cup of tea sitting there (I did this alot during stressful assignments at university). Glad to see many people do the same thing...I'm not as weird as I thought I was.

Merry Christmas all :)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:03:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow! You mentioned Christmas!

GUESS WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!

There are only 2 days, 17 hours, 56 minutes, and 54 seconds until Christmas Central Time US (UTC -6)

This is an automated Bot. Responses will be seen and are appreciated

Supernewt · 2 points · Posted at 12:04:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thanks bot, you have reminded me that now I have even less time to wrap presents and get my shit together.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I did brush my teeth with a shampoo couple of times in a shower.

jaykjakson · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The takeaway delivery man gave me the food, I paid, and then finished with ‘love you’ as he began to leave. This is something I save for my girlfriend - not a stranger I just met.

w1ld_c4rd · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About once a month my boss will forget to put a cup under his Keurig before he starts brewing. Makes quite a large mess

no9thing · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After doing groceries, put lemons and other vegetables in the freezer along with meat and found out about it yesterday.

ReceivePoetry · 1 points · Posted at 12:04:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During a stressful phase in life, I wasn't sleeping well. One night, I was up late trying to finish up some Christmas wrapping and suddenly came to standing in my kitchen, looking at the wall behind the counter, fully clothed and ready for a run. It was like 5 or 6am and I am super not a morning person, and was never a morning runner. But I figured I meant to go for that run, and I was already dressed, so I went. I still have zero memory of ever deciding to go for a run nor getting dressed (complete with running shoes on).

wbubblegum · 1 points · Posted at 12:06:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Plugging in RCA component into the DVD Machine looking at the colours and saying Red, Yellow, White. As I plug in Left, Right, Video in front of someone.

gryffindorscasper · 1 points · Posted at 12:06:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a hospital with badge access doors.

I try to badge into my house more times than I care to admit.

cwaffwooday · 1 points · Posted at 12:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Unpacking freight at work. Was throwing all of the plastic wrap on my counter and all my merchandise in the trash. This happens at least once a week.

terry2122 · 1 points · Posted at 12:07:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I’m a high school teacher, and the kids are always pushing their desks away from them instead backing away their chair, making the desks and chairs all crooked and pushing the rows ever closer to me at the front of the room. So I’m always straightening them to fix the problem. I have kids now, and the first time I met one of the their friend’s parents on a drop off they invited me in ... and when they came back with his gift bag I was straightening the chairs around the table in their dining room.

Quentin_Coldwater · 1 points · Posted at 12:07:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After an exhausting weekend I cycled home with my earphones in and music on my mp3 player. I guess I kinda zoned out, because at some point my mp3 player started playing my metal folder and I snapped awake, having no idea where I was. I'd just stepped on my bike and cycled somewhere at random. Creepy thing is, I took turns and had to cross traffic lights. I hope I obeyed traffic rules, otherwise that could've gone terribly wrong. Luckily it was late in the evening/nearly midnight, so the streets were almost empty.

Phlosen · 1 points · Posted at 12:07:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On my way home is a traffic light that is always red. Or at least 99% of the time. Once I stopped there while it was green. And watched it full of confusion. Luckily there was nobody behind my...

jaykjakson · 1 points · Posted at 12:09:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just left my house to walk my dog. As I got half way down my road I realised I was carrying the lead in my hand, whilst the dog was still in my house. Never even attempted to put the lead on him, I just left.

TreatyPie · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party, but I was a leasing agent for a while and before that I worked at a large retail clothing company. And for a while whenever I showed an empty apartment, I’d lightly knock before trying to open the door.

SageDarius · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I worked fast food, I was at home and my mom asked me to get a Pepsi. I reflexively asked 'What Size?'

When I worked Call Center customer service, would routinely ask "Is there anything else I can help you with?" on personal phone calls outside of work when I could tell they were wrapping up.

XellesZero · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

threw my work clothes in the trash just a few days ago, co-worker thought i was quitting in style, didnt notice until the next day

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went through a drive thru, paid for my food and took off. Got home and realized I didn’t wait to get my food

forabirkin · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work, after a particularly draining case in the operating room, I was getting the room reset for the next case. We use an intercom system to page overhead for the janitorial staff to do the actual cleaning.

Me: This case was such a cluster f, I need a fu** cigarette! Also me: had dialed the intercom, had the phone to my face and broadcast the F bomb all over the entire OR.

Boss came flying down the hallway, looking like she was having a seizure and a stroke simultaneously.

Wasn’t fired, and my gaffe was considered to be the most epic thing that had happened in ages.

FindingMoi · 1 points · Posted at 12:10:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a waitress, I always say "enjoy" when I drop something off with my tables. I was SUPER tired one day, and I saw my coworker with a tray, bussing another table. I had a cheese grater that needed to go back to the kitchen. Had I not been on auto pilot, I would have politely asked if he could take it on his tray.

What actually came out of my mouth was "enjoy!" While I sat it on his tray and walked off. I realized about 10 seconds later and ran back to apologize.

CMDR_Agony_Aunt · 1 points · Posted at 12:11:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking along in a shopping centre. Lit up a cig. Took a few paces, saw people staring at me. Realized what id done, turned bright crimson, and made a dash for the exit before security spotted me.

13fingerfx · 1 points · Posted at 12:11:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was 16 and doing my first paid job as a makeup effects artist. It was a photo shoot for the black metal band Cradle of Filth. The day before going up to a London for the shoot I was talking to Danny Filth (lead singer) on the phone and signed off the call by reflexively telling him I loved him.

I thought it must have gone unnoticed as he didn’t respond but at the end of the photo shoot I was packing up and saying my goodbyes and he said “bye. Love you!” and the band all laughed at me.

Mortifying.

RandomPersonBrowsing · 1 points · Posted at 12:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

in a store i used to throw the receipt in the garbage can and put the change in my pocket. One day, I throw the change in the garbage can and put the receipt in my pocket.

pleasejustacceptmyna · 1 points · Posted at 12:11:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was in a lecture sitting near the front of a small enough room zoning out when I got an itchy arm. I think auto pilot me thought I had the pen unclicked or something but I just stared at my lecturer dead in the eyes as I lackadaisically stroked my pen down my arm several times covering myself in black lines

Davehkiin · 1 points · Posted at 12:12:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work for a big fruity tech company as customer service. I was woken out of my sleep and proceeded to sit up straight and say "What do you need your invoice for?" before going back to sleep

Khanati03 · 1 points · Posted at 12:12:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work I have to knock on the door before I enter an exam room. A couple times I would knock on the waiting room door. I will knock on the doors in my house sometimes too.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:12:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mom came into the living room and said "I love you!". Small me being very focused on a computer game didn't register quite what she said and I auto pilot blurted out: "hello!!" She was mock insulted and said "hello?!?!" Which 'woke' me from autopilot so to speak and I was like "huh?! I didn't even hear what you said to be honest 😅"

VeraduxGalahad · 1 points · Posted at 12:14:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went up to the front of the class to help my teacher with a chemistry experiment. He told me to turn some valve and I said "okay babes". Everyone heard it.

Elliephant51 · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Translated a French word to "pleasure you" in the middle of my French class on a hot summer's day when I was half asleep.

I said it to my teacher out loud.

00Martin · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I already wrote it somewhere but i wanted to add it here also, sometimes i make dumb things like i undress and remove my suit when back home after work and put my regular clothes on and then for no reason im starting to remove my regular clothes off too just after putting them and im like, wait wtf that's not what i wanted to do.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was staying in a hotel on holiday and got a bit drunk. In the middle of the night I got up to pee and went back to bed.

When I woke up in the morning there was "water" all around and in my suitcase. According to my girlfriend, I got up, walked over to the suitcase, lifted the lid (it was unlocked) and pissed in it.

Letibleu · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put hair gel on my toothbrush

SpyX2 · 1 points · Posted at 12:15:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pour ketchup in my Pepsi instead of my food.

I felt like an utter moron.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:16:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Kissed girlfriend’s best friend on the lips, in front of girlfriend.

This was in college, it was early morning. The class was about to start. Friends of girlfriend were sitting with her on a row. This being Brazil, the polite way to say hello is by a kiss on the cheek. There were like 5 girls: friend, friend, friend, girlfriend, girlfriend’s best friend. So there I go, saying hello: cheek kiss, cheek kiss, cheek kiss, lips kiss... lips kiss.

Girlfriend was kinda pissed, friend laughed it out. I was ultra embarrassed I couldn’t talk with her for a week.

Later that afternoon, I was telling the story to a co-worker... he interrupts me: “oh... and then you kissed her friend, right? It happened to me, don’t worry”.

beautifulsloth · 1 points · Posted at 12:16:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm so used to answering the phone at work with "- pharmacy, how can I help you?" that I pulled into a Tims drive through and said that instead of my order.

Luftskip · 1 points · Posted at 12:16:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I said: "Thank you, very much", and bowed. To a soda machine... Twice.

jayjanssen · 1 points · Posted at 12:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Orange juice straight into my breakfast cereal

snuff3r · 1 points · Posted at 12:17:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got my license, first car and first job around the same time I was heavily addicted to late nights of q3a. I would often be halfway home from work on 2 hrs sleep and realise I was bunny-hopping around roundabouts. Surprised I didn't crash..

larksandrec · 1 points · Posted at 12:17:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got into the habit of saying "Boo" instead of "Hi" when talking to my family. I'd at it so many times a day. Went to my first job and one day I walked into the managers office and of course, "Boo." That was the longest shift of my life.

dungeonpost · 1 points · Posted at 12:18:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am the guy putting my blinker on when I go around the 95 onramp at the end of rt. 3 south.

Chazykins · 1 points · Posted at 12:18:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at a fancy country club place because my friend had a membership and walked straight through a fire exit and set off all the alarms. Loads of people had to leave the pool all dripping wet and stand outside. I wanted to melt into the ground.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:19:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Teacher: Are you paying attention.

Sleepy me: Yes, mum!

Yoshifico · 1 points · Posted at 12:20:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Apparently eating school nachos with my hands

BlackSmokeThing · 1 points · Posted at 12:20:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the lighter in my pocket and my cigarette pack in the desk drawer as I leave work. Every. single. time.

VegasDeviant · 1 points · Posted at 12:20:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled into my parking space at work when I realized it was my day off and I had class that morning. I had my school bag and everything but once I pulled out of my driveway I went into autopilot and drove to work instead on the opposite side of town.

amcb93 · 1 points · Posted at 12:20:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My brother said "happy birthday" and I said "you're welcome"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:20:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Register beginning of the class full of 30 boys

Jack “yes miss”

James “yes miss”

Kingsugarrayleaf “I love you”

The guy next to me had just whispered elephant and was saying how it looks like I love you. Classroom roared up and I got roasted for a day or two.

Mysterious_Dr_X_22 · 1 points · Posted at 12:21:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said thank you to a cash machine

ImSkripted · 1 points · Posted at 12:22:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought this was gonna be a thread on Tesla auto pilot and was mildly confused.

butter00pecan · 1 points · Posted at 12:23:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I called home from work and said, "Hi, butter00pecan, this is John (my husband's name)."

j0hnteller · 1 points · Posted at 12:23:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Texted my hairdress and auto piloted I love you xx see you after work.

I usually only text my wife. Was awkward initial 5 mins at the hairdresser.

Lilytrap · 1 points · Posted at 12:23:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Call my boyfriend daddy when eating dinner with his parents

lurkynic · 1 points · Posted at 12:24:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After giving birth and going back home I had to go to the drug store and pick up some recovery meds. As I stood in line I was swaying side to side pating my arm while holding them in a baby-type carrying position. After I realized it I had no idea what to do with my arms and nearly died of an existential crisis.

Sammichm · 1 points · Posted at 12:24:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad always wakes up in the night confused and thinking he is at home, tries to go to the toilet. The best example of this was when I was a kid, the whole family stayed at a friend’s house. In the middle of the night my dad had the urge to pee and wondered off to where the toilet was if he was at home. Unfortunately this happened to be my friend’s parents room! My friend’s mum woke up at just the right time to see the shadow of dad about to pee on her.

Once she screamed he realised he wasn’t at home and very quickly ran away.

Let’s just day we were taking the piss out of him for years.

Zenchuu · 1 points · Posted at 12:24:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said goodbye to my mom and gave her a kiss on the lips (I’m not that kind of guy). That is a farewell generally reserved for my fiancée.

I have found my phone in the freezer a few times after I took meat out to thaw.

Was working in a restaurant as a waiter and it was a very slow night. I called some of my friends to come in and sit in my section so we could chat and I wouldn’t be so bored. A few of them did, so for the first 2 hours of my shift I waited on no “real” customers. When I finally got a table I greeted them with, “what’s cracking?” (Typically a greeting along the lines of “Good evening and welcome” is more appropriate.

Finished a shift at that restaurant and drove home only to remember that I had moved 15 miles north a few days prior as I was struggling to ascertain why my key no longer opened the front door of my old house.

jamesaw22 · 1 points · Posted at 12:25:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but a friend of mine had a politeness-overload when I told him my wife was pregnant - he shook my hand and said "Thank you".

I spent the rest of the day by thanking him at the end of each of his sentences.

receiptforadoughnut · 1 points · Posted at 12:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in a meeting at work, the company GM and department heads. Company is in the US, GM from the UK. I generally keep a low, quiet profile. As one does during most meetings, I'm sort of half listening half day-dreaming. At one point GM, while addressing some issue, says "Don't worry, I have a plan". To which, I respond reflexively "Is it a cunning plan?" Everyone turns and looks blankly at me. Fortunately, the GM catches the reference and laughs. Crisis averted.

NES-Thor · 1 points · Posted at 12:26:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was seven I was in my house's kitchen playing and suddenly wanted to pee. Without thinking about it or stopping playing, I peed in the trash can. My mom caught me and asked what on earth was I doing. That's the moment I snapped out of auto pilot and realised I was not supposed to be peeing there

kjgo · 1 points · Posted at 12:27:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a store where we’d ask for the customer’s phone number before starting to ring them out. One holiday season, after being on register for hours, I walked up to a customer to ask if she needed help and said, “Can I have your phone number?” Thankfully she thought it was funny when she saw my own reaction to what I had just said, but it was still very awkward.

FearzDemon · 1 points · Posted at 12:27:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife was hungry and decided she wanted chicken nuggets, she put some on a plate and placed it on top of the microwave and proceeds to time the microwave and start it, mind you the nuggets still being on top of the micowave.

teleksterling · 1 points · Posted at 12:27:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Regularly travel to work by train. Drove to work because of train delays, or similar.

Caught the train back and was walking through the car park trying to recall where I parked my car. Realised it's 50km away.

Only thing is I've done it about six times.

CeeMX · 1 points · Posted at 12:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bought a Kebap and started to walk out without paying. To my defense, the shop was kinda weird arranged, you paid after you received the food, normally you pay directly at ordering.

Fancycam · 1 points · Posted at 12:28:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On Wednesday nights, after I get in from work, I'm supposed to take the bin out for collection the next morning. I often forget though.

I parked up after driving home, locked the car, unlocked the house and walked in. I had just started to take my shoes off when I realised the bin needed taking out. So I walk outside, got to the bin, walked past the bin, got in the car and drove about 5 minutes down the road before I realised what I'd actually walked out of the house to do in the first place.

I parked back up feeling defeated and took the bin out.

kishi2018 · 1 points · Posted at 12:29:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when i first came to japan, i really looked forward to eating sushi. went to a conveyor-belt sushi restaurant from a 9-hour shift and was freaking tired. called the clerk and asked her to stop the machine from running. she was confused. it was a shame!

BeerNcheesePlz · 1 points · Posted at 12:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I worked in a restaurant we would always yell “corner” when turning into/out of the kitchen so we wouldn’t run into each other, this lead to me pretty much yelling “corner” at every corner outside of work as well.

sgursel · 1 points · Posted at 12:31:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put on a hoodie backwards. You feel really dumb when the cap facepalms you.

whittyh · 1 points · Posted at 12:31:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day was 12/18/18, wrote the date as 18/18/18 without even flinching

hyrulian_princess · 1 points · Posted at 12:31:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put a frozen pizza on my plate and started walking into the living room before realising I hadn’t cooked it yet

xDond · 1 points · Posted at 12:32:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once drove after work in Seattle about 4 hours south to my aunts house rather than home which is only 30 minutes from Seattle.

MikeMyersResplendent · 1 points · Posted at 12:32:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Painting with watercolors. Dipping brushes in and out of a cup of water and into trays of paint. Zoned out and picked up the murky glass of paint water and took a drink. Yuck.

thebliponyourscreen · 1 points · Posted at 12:32:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I came home from work, needed to take a shower. So i went into the bathroom, grabbed a towel, took off my pants and shirt, turned on the water, and stepped into the shower. Al the while i'm feeling like something's off, something isn't right here. I grabbed the shampoo bottle, started lathering my hair, thinking about what it is that just doesn't feel right, and then i realised...
I forgot to take off my underwear.
There i stood, foamy head, and my underwear soaking wet. Like the idiot that I am.

dublowduck · 1 points · Posted at 12:33:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Often I get up from my desk and go and get some milk from the fridge, so yesterday after pouring from the bottle I drank my milk and proceeded to put the milk on the draining board and the glass in the fridge door.

DoSeedoh · 1 points · Posted at 12:33:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many years ago I called the office where a friend worked.

When we hung up I said “I love you”.

He called me right back and said “did you say ‘I love you?’”

I said “yes, yes I did”.

He said “aw man, I love you too”.

Ten years later we say “I love you & love you too” when we hang up.

BibboTheOriginal · 1 points · Posted at 12:33:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I realized I was blaming my little brother for too much stuff when I tripped (by myself) and said his name aloud accusatorially.

Midnight-sh_code · 1 points · Posted at 12:34:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

while our dog has her period, we usually take some old underwear of ours and fashion it into an underwear/bleeding pads for her so that she doesn't bleed all over our apartment.

one day while she was on, i went to take her out. for some reason, we used tge stairs from sixth floor, and while we were going down, tge dog looked at me kind of confused/unsettled, as if something that was expected to happen, didn't.

when we were out, after about 5 minutes of walking around, she obviously went to poop, and again, turned back to look at me with this weird, almost tortured expression.

i had no idea what's wrong, so i just prodded her like "well c'mon, do your thing, what's the problem?"

and so she, a bit reluctantly, did her thing.

and I realized what the problem was the whole time, when her poop plopped into that underwear of hers.

facepalm "oh riiiight, i was supposed to TAKE THAT OFF YOU before we left for the walk!"

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:34:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw the iogurt in the sink and the spoon in the trash

potatoebandee · 1 points · Posted at 12:34:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I very often almost put all sorts of things into the bin by accident. Cups, Mugs, Forks, Spoons etc.

Holybatwoman · 1 points · Posted at 12:35:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking to a colleague about the film Fantastic Beasts and where to find them, and he asked what I thought if Eddie Redmayne (I’m not a fan) and I just said “he’s a cunt”. I even shocked myself. I wouldn’t usually use the C word (bring British and all..) I would have said cock which in hindsight probably isn’t much better..

vulturoso · 1 points · Posted at 12:35:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I delivered pizza in my younger days. My car keys are attached to a carabiner for easy attachment to my belt loops. One night while working late into my shift, i glance down and noticed they weren't hanging from my pants and PULLED MY CAR over to the side of the road and started rumming through things looking for my car keys.

hucka · 1 points · Posted at 12:36:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

did you at least find your keys?

sennu2 · 1 points · Posted at 12:35:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do a little acrobatics thingy, where i spin, use my arm or leg as a hook, smack ooen the light, twirl inside, and use the "hook" to twirl and close the door

imsuperplayer · 1 points · Posted at 12:35:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bit of a backstory. I'm a commander in the Israely Navy. When my class drops somthing (a hat, their magazines, etc.) I tell them "20" as in "do 20 pushups" as a punishment. Me and my friends went to a road trip and we stopped to watch the view off a mountain side. Some kid behind us dropped his ice cream and started crying. Out of a habbit i shouted "20!" And only after that i realized what I said. Everyone looked at me funny.

PurpleNinjaPanda · 1 points · Posted at 12:35:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured a bowl of cereal with milk onto a paper plate, I avoid eating first thing in the morning after the 5th time..

Shartsplasm · 1 points · Posted at 12:35:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I whispered to my kitchen "Nobody knows who you are." Honestly, not totally sure why.

spinjinn · 1 points · Posted at 12:35:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A friend told me that at the end of a particularly boring lecture, he unthinkingly made the sign of the cross.

Moist_crocs · 1 points · Posted at 12:36:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was one of the first times using an ATM, everything finished, got my card and thanked the machine. Still do it sometimes.

misan6 · 1 points · Posted at 12:36:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was very very tired and was asked to put a return address on a package I was sending. Realized half way through the transaction I didn't know my own address... Of the house I'd lived in for about 2 years. Gave them the most recent one I could remember. At least, I think it was correct.

ellaphoria · 1 points · Posted at 12:36:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Them: “Hi” Me: “How are you” Them: “Good, how are you?” Me: “Good, and you?”

GyDGAF · 1 points · Posted at 12:36:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve brewed a pot of oatmeal and microwaved a bowl of coffee grounds once. Being a new parent takes all the energy away from you those first few months.

anyokehoofer · 1 points · Posted at 12:37:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Myself and my wife were having a long needed night out while our two toddlers were having a sleep over at grandma's. There bar was busy and this man mountain beside us mistakingly picked up my drink. In 100% mammy mode, my 2 foot nothing wife quickly waving her index finger splurged out "ahahahhh"

fadednyshirt · 1 points · Posted at 12:37:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandpa and his other grandchildren were playing billiards/pool. I don’t know what came over me, but when my grandpa was about to sink, I reached out to stop the ball from going in. Everyone got pissed and I just stood there, embarrassed and not able to defend myself.

Sunnydale1977 · 1 points · Posted at 12:38:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day in middle school I was supposed to be heading to Spanish. Instead I packed my bag and started walking out the door until my brother saw me and asked what the hell I was doing. I was convinced the school day was over and was confused why the hallways were so quiet.

iBlingy · 1 points · Posted at 12:38:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a few of these myself , but a friend of mine started to make room for her laptop in the fridge while she was making dinner.

rowybot · 1 points · Posted at 12:38:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister and I currently have the same phone. Yesterday she came into the kitchen and set her phone down and I instinctively put it in my pocket despite having my phone in my other hand. We then proceeded to spend 10 minutes looking before she told me to try my pockets

Erica-with-the-face · 1 points · Posted at 12:39:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

8 months pregnant, sitting on the toilet at work for the millionth time, but there’s something about this pee that feels different.... oohhh... I haven’t lifted my dress, or pulled my enormous pants down, have I?

How do I explain this? If I fake labour, there’s potential for an awkward conversation when the baby doesn’t materialise for another month... what to do? What to do?

The answer: ugly cry and walk out of the building.

3dPrintedLife · 1 points · Posted at 12:39:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always change the oil in my car myself. One time I drained the oil, replaced the filter, than filled it back up with 4 liters. I checked the dipstick and the level looked higher than normal but I figured it was because I didn't run the engine yet. I started my car up and went for a test drive. I noticed changing gears was extremely slow. Went back home and drained about a liter to see if maybe it really was over filled. Tried to drive around the block but my car wouldn't come out of neutral. Took me a solid 20 minutes of troubleshooting to realize I was draining the transmission fluid.. Not the engine oil. That day I learned Mazda 3s can run with 8L of oil and not explode!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:39:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a hotel with styrofoam cups for coffee. They have similar cups for syrup next to the waffle maker. I sat down at my table, smiled at my lady and poured my coffee on my waffle.

It took me until I tried to drinking the syrup to figure out what was wrong.

KoolKoda · 1 points · Posted at 12:40:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A co-worker was smoking outside on the patio and he got a call so I went to go tell him. I knock on the door to go outside.... immediately laugh at myself. Turn around to verify noone saw me and I see three other co workers grinning ear to ear and my stupidity.

GaryBdumR · 1 points · Posted at 12:40:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was cooking Quiche and the ham and some other ingredients were in the pan I grabbed the bottle of oil to pour in some extra. Later when we put the quiche into the oven I looked over and saw that the bottle of oil wasn't standing on its usual spot and that the bottle of dish soap was standing in its place.

So yeah, the quiche was inedible :(

TLDR: cooked my dish with dish soar instead of oil

diet_water_ · 1 points · Posted at 12:40:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to a McDonalds drive thru and the person working asked me “What can I get you?”. Im so used to them asking something along the lines of “how are you doing tonight?” that i just answered “uhhhh, good.”

jardyhardy · 1 points · Posted at 12:40:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cooking up a dinner for my family, and when I finished I turned around and dumped it straight into the trash...

Poop-Skittle · 1 points · Posted at 12:40:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving the restaurant with a friend and her boyfriend. I went to hug her goodbye but kissed her straight on the mouth. Gah! I’m just so used to kissing my husband goodbye I didn’t even think about. Everyone was in stunned silence, but my friend recovered quickly and looked flattered. ;)

KingOfSize · 1 points · Posted at 12:40:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I swear, on one out of every four or five non-familial phone calls, I end it with a "Love you!" before hanging up. I talk to my father on the phone more than anyone else, and we always end the call like that. It's been become an unconscious habit.

punkrockscience · 1 points · Posted at 12:40:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a movie theater. One day, my manager called my home phone and woke me up. I answered the phone, “Thank you for calling Theater Name, this is punkockscience. How can I help you?”

After the initial confusion from both of us, because he started questioning where he’d called, he laughed at me for quite a while.

jamieson999 · 1 points · Posted at 12:41:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Enjoy your food"

"You too"

sarikingking · 1 points · Posted at 12:41:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my ex. We had friends over and we were just hanging out watching TV. My boyfriend at the time grabbed my boobs right there in front of our friends.

conehead88 · 1 points · Posted at 12:41:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at Argos, we had to wear a headset and talk to a robot voice constantly using certain key words. It got to the stage that outside of work if I didn't hear what someone said, I would just say "Repeat" and then straight away apologise as it sounds so obnoxious lmao

MrSkeedleWeedle · 1 points · Posted at 12:42:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

this one is a classic delivery driver delivers your food driver: "Enjoy your food" me: "you too!" also me (as I close the door): "FUCKKKK"

Buckisadog · 1 points · Posted at 12:43:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed in the trash can.

Mookie_Bets · 1 points · Posted at 12:43:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On the way to work predictably tired and miserable. Stop at gas station, pay for gas, and proceed to drive off without pumping.

I've done this 2 or 3 times.

Jihad_llama · 1 points · Posted at 12:43:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The first (and last, go figure) time I tried multitasking whilst brushing my teeth and shaving, I went to spit and proceeded to put the razor in my mouth. Pretty lucky i didn't cut myself back then.

Arruz · 1 points · Posted at 12:43:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a Baldur's gate marathon I went out and I was waiting for the traffic light to turn green to cross the road when I thought "I should just try to dodge the cars, it is faster to just reload if I get run over" and I actually started moving my foot. Luckily I overrode the autopilot in time.

Yup, I cut my vg time after that.

OLLIEtheDEE · 1 points · Posted at 12:43:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work in a bar, half way through the day I would go down and change all the kegs over. Took a while so I use to put music on my phone and put it in a pint glass to make it a bit louder. One day went down put music on and put my phone with no hesitation into a full glass of water.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:43:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up during the middle of the night once and I thought the alarm went off. It was 4 in the morning so it definitely hadn’t gone off. Still barely awake I thought the best way to reset my alarm would be to pour water on the floor. I pour water on the floor and lay back down. Two minutes later the stupidity of what I had just done shocked me fully awake. Cleaned up the water and actually went back to sleep.

This only happened once and I am still baffled as to what the hell went through my mind when this happened.

keerthio · 1 points · Posted at 12:44:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in a hostel so instead of locking the door of my room I locked the bathroom door and then I realized my hands were empty when I started to lock the main door. I have done this twice. I just latch them now .

Jaystings · 1 points · Posted at 12:44:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Browsed Reddit at work.

muellermeierschulz · 1 points · Posted at 12:44:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just catched me reading posts without understanding. Instead thought of tasks that have to be done.

sgrinderud · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used the flashlight on my phone to frantically look for my "missing" phone.

punkrockscience · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One night, I was driving home late from work. There were three stops in a row on my route - two stop signs and a traffic light. I stopped at each stop sign, then went. Then I did the same thing at the red light - stopped completely, then drove on, apparently having forgotten which intersection I was at.

I’m not sure who was more startled - me, or the two cops in the cruiser stopped on the other side of the red light, with whom I made horrified eye contact as I realized I was rolling deliberately through a red light. Somewhat to my surprise, they did not immediately pull me over.

dramkar · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have grabbed my car's key fob and tried to unlock my office door several times.

SirChoGath · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Showed up to work and went to sleep. Got home and started thinking about work. I think my brain got confused on what my job really was. Dealing with work or my wife.

cdint14 · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Too often I get home from work and as I'm approaching the front door of my house I point my car keys at the door and hit the 'unlock' button.

Snorlax123789 · 1 points · Posted at 12:46:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At the end of a sales call my customer told me he loved me as if he was talking to his wife. "Love you" instead of saying goodbye before he hung up. He called me back immediately and embarrassed. I ended every call with him over the next year with "Love you too". Both males in 40's at the time.

thot--hunter · 1 points · Posted at 12:47:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my hamster in a fridge when I wanted to get food for him

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:47:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my phone in the fridge a lot.

xoticrox · 1 points · Posted at 12:47:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Where I work, we have inmates get our trash, sweep and clean the bathroom. On a Friday one of them said “have a great weekend”. Automatically, I replied, “you too”.

Dravarden · 1 points · Posted at 12:47:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when I swapped the guard shift they usually say "have a nice guard" and once I responded "you too!"

well, at least I've never told the waitress to have a nice meal.

KittenMuffinPie · 1 points · Posted at 12:48:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a usual parking spot at one of my favorite restaurants, but when I arrived it was taken by another car, so I simply parked somewhere else.

I went to leave after eating and got in my car. When I sat down the seat felt different and I went to plug my phone into my car charger and realized it wasn't there. Looked around and there is a car seat in the back seat. I don't have kids.

Jumped out the car and went to my own.

Someone with my same make and model and color of car parked in my usual spot and left their doors unlocked.

Pauline421 · 1 points · Posted at 12:49:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put my shoes in the fridge...

This happened more than once, but everyday I would take my shoes off and put them in the shoe cupboard and then go and get a snack from the fridge. The cupboard and fridge were next to each other and I would only ever realise my mistake when I’d go to the shoe cupboard instead of the fridge and be confused as to why so many shoes were in there...

CharlieHorse420 · 1 points · Posted at 12:50:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve worked at a hardware retailer for 3 years and constantly find myself straightening stock on the shelves of other stores when I’m out shopping.

UrWeclome · 1 points · Posted at 12:50:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

-What's your name? -Yes.

Reaper_Lord · 1 points · Posted at 12:51:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I apologised when someone else smacked them self with a shovel. TWICE!! Second time they did something else but still.

Paxelic · 1 points · Posted at 12:51:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I'm just talking to people or playing video games and blanking,

I used to / still do but Less do signals for cadets/army

So whenever anyone says something i say, "person this is paxelic, blah blah blah, over"

And I get some very confused questions or glances

hk23__socom · 1 points · Posted at 12:51:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

anyone else tried to brush ur teeth with foaming cleanser?

Tananar · 1 points · Posted at 12:51:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So my prescriptions come in individual packets for the times of day. On more than one occasion I tore open the packet, and immediately dumped them into the trash.

benbroady · 1 points · Posted at 12:51:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was at school I once called a teacher Mum.

Hiciao · 1 points · Posted at 12:53:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a teacher and this happens a lot. You are not alone.

Johaschnez · 1 points · Posted at 12:52:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to open my door with a buss card, took me way to long before I realized what I was doing.

Kindwater · 1 points · Posted at 12:52:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well one day I was sitting on the toilet, lost in my thoughts as I sometimes do once I've finished the deed, I must have been imaging something outside because I mindlessly leaned forward and spat on the ground in front of me.

Karr1ck · 1 points · Posted at 12:52:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drive to work on a Saturday 😑

mysteryfigure · 1 points · Posted at 12:52:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i was in high school I'd stay up til 4a on weekdays and have to get up at 6a for school. Needless to say, I was frequently half asleep for the first few hours of the morning. So one morning I woke up and began making cereal. I poured the milk in first (I was a rebel), then went to reach for the cereal box. But, being half asleep, I instead grabbed a tomato sitting next to the cereal box and dropped it in to my cereal bowl a good 6 inches above the bowl. Milk went everywhere. Woke me up at least.

VeronicaLA · 1 points · Posted at 12:53:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to store my dog's heartworm medications next to my vitamins in the cabinet. I grabbed the first container and swallowed a heartworm tab before I realized what I did. Self-induced vomiting ensued.

mermaidrampage · 1 points · Posted at 12:53:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to open up a bottle of beer with the unlock button on my key fob. I also once tried to get a traffic light to turn green wirh my garage clicker.

...these happened on the same day. Moving is hard.

DELAGZ · 1 points · Posted at 12:53:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
-Tali · 1 points · Posted at 12:54:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went out of the supermarket last week after packing my groceries and wishing the cashier a nice weekend. It was monday.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:54:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I flipped off my mum and called my dad a lesbian, they laughed, but I was grounded 😂

Fettywapsnan · 1 points · Posted at 12:55:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once asked a lady for ID and then realised at that moment she had it pinned on her coat, she just sort of looked at me and then pointed at her badge I proceeded to hang my head in embarrassment for the remainder of that day.

buster0944 · 1 points · Posted at 12:55:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

10 years ago I worked for a call center for DSL tech support. It my first official job. While at home if I got a phone call I would answer. "Thanks for calling (company name) I'm buster0944, employee ID blah blah blah, how can I help you?"

Many times I would get through that entire opener and be sitting on the line like "hell? Are you still thers?... fuck this is my personal line...."

GatorAutomator · 1 points · Posted at 12:55:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 10 or so my mom had another child and I ended up taking care of my new baby sister a lot. I tended to kiss her on the forehead every time I picked her up, so I was programming myself to kiss things when I picked them up.

One day I was looking at shovels and rakes in the garden section of a department store and when I picked one up I gave it a big kiss right on the wooden handle. I didn't try to explain myself and just carried on like nothing weird happened.

so_n_so · 1 points · Posted at 12:55:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used the light on my phone to look for my phone

Cola1996 · 1 points · Posted at 12:55:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In the middle of a massive workload of papers at University I replied to a Facebook message on my computer to my girlfriend in the most formal way possible. As it was just in between emails to supervisors and report writing she found it hilarious

Hirronimus · 1 points · Posted at 12:55:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put my dirty dishes in microwave instead of dishwasher and hit Quick Start. Realized just in time before the metal fork exploded.

Onyx911 · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just perfectly peeled a banana and just as you might guessed. I threw the banana into the trash and realized what i did just milliseconds before it landed into the plastic trash can. :(

gooddogisgood · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a piss at the office with the door open like I was at home. It’s a. single toilet room that opens right into the workstation area and configured in such a way you can make eye-wang contact with anyone who happens to walk by. Caught myself midstream and scrambled to shut the door.

MW-97 · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in retail. After a very long day in the holiday season (so extremely busy). Instead of shouting ‘who’s next please?’To the person at the front of the queue, I instead shouted ‘Would you like your receipt in your bag?’ 😂😂😂

biomech87 · 1 points · Posted at 12:56:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter - enjoy your meal

Me - you too

h_zorba · 1 points · Posted at 12:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me: hi how r u?

Person: good urself?

Me: not too bad u?

Its_ya_BAI · 1 points · Posted at 12:57:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I constantly ask people if they want a receipt after the explicitly ask for a receipt

Hiciao · 1 points · Posted at 12:57:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to take the bus to and from work everyday. One day I drove to work. After work, I headed to the bus stop, bussed home, and didn't realize I left my car at work until I got home.

galesmate · 1 points · Posted at 12:58:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live with my bf so sometimes when I go to visit my family I call them “baby” by accident bc I’m used to just talking to my bf lol. I also almost always bike to wherever I’m going so I instinctively put my helmet on when I leave the house. So I’ve gone to drive my car in a helmet a few times.

shelikesteeth · 1 points · Posted at 12:58:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Brought my mom a bag of rice when she asked for the jar of almonds (right next to each other in the cupboard)

Goodolchuckno · 1 points · Posted at 12:58:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Server: “Enjoy your meal”

Me: “you, too”.

coopaliscious · 1 points · Posted at 12:58:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a friend that I used to work with in construction, over a decade ago, and was exhausted after a long week of 15+ hour days. I decided to take a nap in my car before heading home.

Next thing I know I wake up in my driveway.

I've actually had this happen a few times and it's scary as hell.

Dracorules1 · 1 points · Posted at 12:58:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was walking and talking with a friend and opened a big pack of Haribos a bit too forcefully, a bunch fell on the floor and without thinking I squatted down while still talking to him and just started picking them up and throwing them into my mouth for about 5 seconds before we both stopped and realised wtf I just did.

Izunundara · 1 points · Posted at 12:59:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dropped the entire mug of tea instead of the teabag into the bin

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 12:59:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been known to use my turn signal at the grocery store. I go to engage the lever and my hand just drops because there is nothing there to engage!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:00:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a forklift driver for a door manufacturer. I often get in my car and flip my right turn signal on attempting to put the car in Foward. The direction selector on the lift I use is mounted exactly where the blinker indicator stock would be in a car.

plastickhero · 1 points · Posted at 13:00:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked for a Blockbuster Video in the 90's where it was mandated that we greet each and every person that came through the door. For years I would greet anyone who triggered a door ding, anywhere, anytime. The worst was when 2 coworkers and I went to dinner after work and in unison greeted another customer.

SaftLaban · 1 points · Posted at 13:00:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Smaklig måltid.

Tack detsamma!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was about to fill the Ed's food bowl up even further because roommate and I had friends to go visit, I picked the food bowl up, poured down the remaining food in the sink, poured it up soo it had top on and put it down on it's place

After the action where done, I looked in the sink and went Wtf happen and my roommate that apparently saw it all, just laughed and walked away

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put ketchup in my glass

gab9991 · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I robbed a penguin from a zoo! Realised soon enough I could put it back without anyone finding out

heather_rocha · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sitting at the computer, reach for my chapstick. Put it on- turns out it was a glue stick.

bedroomcylinder · 1 points · Posted at 13:01:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"you alright mate?"

"Yeh good thanks, you?"

"Not too bad, wbu?"

ripleylien · 1 points · Posted at 13:02:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Try to tap-to-pay for my groceries at the supermarket checkout. With a 10$ note.

BlankKatana · 1 points · Posted at 13:02:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working at Family Video. People come in and ask if we have a specific movie or game in stock all the time. Man walks in and asks if we have a bathroom. I start typing in the computer looking for a movie called A Bathroom. We had a good laugh.

amerebreath · 1 points · Posted at 13:02:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have sat in my car waiting for a stop sign to turn green...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:03:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

After living in the same place for like 8 years we recently moved.

My brain didn't pick up on that and after work I drove to our old house and walked in through the front door to some very confused people unpacking boxes

BrackenLass · 1 points · Posted at 13:03:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have insomnia and it causes a lot of autopilot moments. My favourite so far was when I got home from uni and wanted a coffee, so thought I'd put the kettle on.

Around 10 minutes later I was getting impatient that they hadn't brought me my coffee, when I remembered I was home alone, and started looking for the kettle.

I found it in the fridge... filled with milk.

ocsdcringemaster · 1 points · Posted at 13:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got home from school and was in the middle of talking to my dad about something when I planned on taking my socks off. Instead, I got so distracted by our conversation that I took my jeans off instead.

murrat10 · 1 points · Posted at 13:03:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took a nap in the middle of the day, woke up confused on what day it was and couldn’t find my phone. So I picked up my phone from the bedside table and called my phone number, not once but twice. Went straight to voicemail, gave up and went back to sleep.

TiZZWALDS · 1 points · Posted at 13:04:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This just happened. I was ordering a McDonald’s from the drive through, it’s midday so it was kinda busy, I noticed the person taking my order got one slightly wrong so I just asked her to correct it. When they did I stuck my arm out through the window and gave the intercom a big old thumbs up.

IFucksWitU · 1 points · Posted at 13:05:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to open my own mouth when I’m feeding my daughter with a spoon or fork must be an instinct thing because I notice her mom does it to

Joey5658 · 1 points · Posted at 13:05:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got up early for work and got ready in the dark as my ex worked shifts and was still asleep. Walked out of my flat as normal and got into the lift with a guy that I sometimes would see in the mornings leaving at the same time as me. I got out of the lift at the ground floor and he stayed on as he was going down to the basement car park. I was across the lobby when I heard him shout from the open lift, "wait, you dropped something!"

I walked back over to the lift and he obviously was on autopilot as well as he picked up the thing that I'd dropped. IT WAS THE UNDERWEAR I'D BEEN WEARING THE DAY BEFORE. They obviously got caught on my trousers or something because I didn't put them in the washing basket. He kind of held it out to me and said "uh it's erm.. it's... here you go."

I grabbed them and ran and then took the stairs down to work every day for like a month.

Tldr: I was so tired I didn't notice when my pants got stuck to my trousers and left for work with them attached to me. They fell off in the lift and some guy from my building picked them up. It was humiliating.

Danktizzle · 1 points · Posted at 13:05:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My turn signal always has to go to the beat.

TeddyLife · 1 points · Posted at 13:06:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Placed my glasses in the closet while putting on a shirt.

Didn’t find them for almost a week.

threenub · 1 points · Posted at 13:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There was a time in my career where I worked a good 2 hours from work by train. My alarm would wake me up at 4:30, I’d get ready and head to work to be there by 8:00. After work I’d leave and head home around 5. I wouldn’t get home until about 7:30. I loved my job and continued to do this for a good three years before I moved closer. Depressingly, I got so used to these hours my body clock would get me up 5-10mins before the alarm and I’d be screwed mentally by 8pm.

Anyway, in the winter this long commute meant i would get up in the dark and get home after dark and autopilot was a critical piece of my day because you know.. less brain power getting used so I have more for tackling the day. Well one morning I got up and got ready for work, took a bit longer in the shower as it was colder, I got dressed and brushed my teeth, then grabbed my laptop bag, wallet and phone. As I picked the phone up it was about 1am.. faaark. Yep. I know.. so much for my finely tuned body clock.

So I jumped back in bed fully dressed and when my alarm actually went off, I got up and went for the door. Though, this time I checked the time ;)

pwlife · 1 points · Posted at 13:07:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this too! A few nights ago my husband and I were out on the deck having a drink (kids were in bed) and we both pointed out the squirrel climbing up the tree.

Madhattersmom · 1 points · Posted at 13:07:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sent out a large group email that had the salutation hell instead of hello.

tolgapacaci · 1 points · Posted at 13:07:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My mom was waiting for me near the road and i saw a black car i jumped in it and i threw my backpack in the back seat and the guy just silently watched me whole time. Then i realized and apologized he laughed and Said no worries that was very weird

bioballetbaby · 1 points · Posted at 13:07:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

took a piece of pizza out of the box and started eating. couple minutes later realized I couldn’t find my phone. figured it would turn up eventually so it didn’t matter. went for another piece of pizza. I left my phone in the place of the first piece of pizza in the box.

AdrianElder · 1 points · Posted at 13:08:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I popped some frozen waffles in the toaster, since there was only one left I grabbed a sealable bag from the drawer to put the last one back in the freezer. The next day I go to get another bag for something else, and there's my waffle, chilling in the bag drawer.

I also once microwaved an iPhone with my lunch, since I was talking to someone and didn't remember I had it sitting on my container.

I could go on and on. I have made peace with this side of me. :)

pidgeontickler · 1 points · Posted at 13:08:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got a job at a primary school. I hadn't worked for some years and had enjoyed slacking off for a while smoking copious amounts of weed. Got to the lunch break so went with the other teachers for a smoke break. Yes I started rolling a joint infront of them. I realized I hadn't any weed on me then suddenly realised where I was, so covered it up by making a really big roll up cigarette whilst making a joke about really needing the nicotine.they didn't look convinced but thankfully never said a word. I worked there for another 10 years without incident.

Duukt · 1 points · Posted at 13:08:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waiter: Here's your steak. Enjoy your meal!

Me: Thanks! You too!

(I've said this a few times)

At work, our team was consolidated to a new area of cubicles after 6 years of sitting at my old desk. The first Monday I walked to my old cube and sat down before realizing the cube was empty.

andyroo2018 · 1 points · Posted at 13:08:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stood next to a lady in the garden centre and told her off for looking at conifers... turns out my wife was in the next isle.

-Gtorr · 1 points · Posted at 13:09:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pee in the trashcan, right after walking up, realized at half full ;)

BigTimeOof · 1 points · Posted at 13:09:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling your teacher “Mom” lmao

onlyr6s · 1 points · Posted at 13:09:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put various things that don't belong in the fridge, in the fridge.

admirableroof · 1 points · Posted at 13:09:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

called my dad 'baby' 😩😩😩

sameermaqsood · 1 points · Posted at 13:09:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Please don't remind me. Exhibition Tents Rental

SaltyDoggoMom · 1 points · Posted at 13:10:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My son had my car so I had my husband’s. When I came out of work I couldn’t figure out why my car wasn’t unlocking when I approached it. I remembered and pulled out the fob (which I forgot I had to press a button on) as I stood there confused at the fob that clearly wouldn’t fit into the keyhole, I was seen by a coworker. I then remembered I had to press the unlock button.

litwickitysplit · 1 points · Posted at 13:11:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew on ice cream.

wes741 · 1 points · Posted at 13:11:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to put a hot pocket in a bag so, I have something to eat during my break at lunch but I get in to talking and I start heating it up instead. And I already ate......

XxFuzzyTurdxX · 1 points · Posted at 13:11:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend usually fixes my tie because I am rather sloppy, and I usually give her a kiss afterwards. Cute, right? Well one time my mom fixed my tie instead... you can guess what happened.

txc115 · 1 points · Posted at 13:12:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in a long distance relationship and we used to Skype a lot with my now wife. At one point we were together and she was in the shower, behind the shower curtain. I, by force of a Skype habit it seems, went on saying ‘Hey. U there?’

Stanwich79 · 1 points · Posted at 13:12:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drive to work for graveyard shift. House across the street from work burnt down. Everyone asking me about it and I had no clue. I said I noticed some flashing lights but didn't pay attention. It was a big house in a open field on fire with fire trucks putting it out and I just drove by . It's was the only house on that street .

janxuz · 1 points · Posted at 13:12:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Asking stupid questions in Reddit...

flyingflyfly · 1 points · Posted at 13:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once made a radio call on the wrong frequency... ...ATC was all like "check freq" ...and I was like " aw fuck" ...and my instructor was like " what an idiot"

Oh..wrong type of auto pilot?...k I'll leave

ILikeSpaceandMemes · 1 points · Posted at 13:12:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting my dirty plate straight into the fridge after tea instead of in the sink for some reason and only realising after I shut the door.

ElyseRoe · 1 points · Posted at 13:14:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mum drops me off at train station. "Have a nice day, honey." "Yeah, good night to you to." ????

Aoking343 · 1 points · Posted at 13:14:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I call everyone mate, even complete strangers, and even my dog.

One time I was talking to my crush and I accidentally called her mate. I thought I had just friendzoned myself

Sboogie82 · 1 points · Posted at 13:15:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting coffee grounds into my child's bottle instead of formula powder on a couple occasions. Always caught myself after first scoop and before adding water.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:15:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes I put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal back in the fridge. Sometimes I forget to grind the beans, and just put whole beans in the coffee maker. Sometimes I don't put beans in there at all.

phatbrasil · 1 points · Posted at 13:16:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have, more than once, gone to the toilet and peed in the rubbish bin.

munkenheimer · 1 points · Posted at 13:16:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once at work I greeted a regular when he came in. When he came up to the counter I tried to greet him again. My brain recognized I already greeted him and I ended up meowing at him.

Spudzzy03 · 1 points · Posted at 13:17:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We were watching a film in history class once and there was a speech in it. I heard the applause and started clapping.

Warner20BrosYT · 1 points · Posted at 13:17:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

RIP this guy’s inbox

fertogo · 1 points · Posted at 13:17:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I studied computer science and have often miscounted things irl. "Wow, there are 4 rabbits over there see? 0,1,2,3,4"

CoopOfTheDay · 1 points · Posted at 13:18:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party, but once I ordered eggs Benedict and when the waitress asked how I want "it" prepared (referring to another part of the dish) I assumed the she meant the eggs and went on auto-pilot saying my normal egg order "scrambled with cheese". Perplexed, she looked at me and said, "you sure you don't want them Benedict?" My colleague laughed his ass off and the waitress chuckled as I embarrassingly said yup, I'll have them Benedict.

Iampepeu · 1 points · Posted at 13:18:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once looked up from my phone to check for a Pokémon Stop I knew should be somewhere nearby.

Frothingdogscock · 1 points · Posted at 13:18:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I first started driving, I drove my car into town to do some shopping, then got the bus home..

I was so embarrassed I walked the 4 miles back to get my car rather than risk getting the same bus driver.

kingRTU · 1 points · Posted at 13:18:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Staying At friends house sleeping in the basement half asleep and drunk, I got Up to pee halfway through I realized I was just pissing in a corner of the room in the general vicinity the toilet would’ve been at home.

Damaskox · 1 points · Posted at 13:19:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking on the cyclist-side of the road because I usually cycle when moving outside.

Xphelio · 1 points · Posted at 13:20:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just woke up and got to work. Attempted to make someones roast beef sandwich. Instead of dropping the bun down the toaster, I dropped 3ozs of meat down the toaster. God did it smell horrible.

D_hiver · 1 points · Posted at 13:20:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I keep trying to say “I’m so glad!” and “That’s good!” in response to someone saying something positive and I end up with “I’m so good!”

Evhaj · 1 points · Posted at 13:21:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been a flight attendant for the past 5 years, still do. Whenever I go through passport border control, they wish me to “have a nice flight” at the end. I automatically answer “Thanks, you too!!” Every. Single. Time. awkward, awkward. (On the other side, passengers often wish me “a great holiday” back when they disembark :))) )

Kar0ss · 1 points · Posted at 13:21:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was running late for work one day (carpool buddy waiting in my passenger seat) when I ran back inside to look for my glasses. I searched everywhere. Then thought maybe I left them in the bathroom, went in there and saw myself in the mirror. I was wearing them. SEEING through them.. I even mentioned to my buddy why I was running back in, he thought nothing of the fact I was wearing them.

Fezzverbal · 1 points · Posted at 13:21:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live alone and often moan about things to myself, halfway through a rant at work about work when I realised I was surrounded by co workers!

BJCrossland · 1 points · Posted at 13:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting hand wash on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste.

cramiz · 1 points · Posted at 13:22:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Squeezed some toothpaste in my hair instead of grabbing the gel, it was early :/

sharktree8733 · 1 points · Posted at 13:22:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to that party. I worked at a moving company one summer in college. Staying with my college friends we used to drink after work. At least once a week I would wake up the following morning and not recognize the house because of the moved furniture. First time it happened my roommate was nice enough to stop me.

Benton_Data · 1 points · Posted at 13:22:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Get in a stranger's car.

I was coming from the stationery shop, and the first car I saw was an identical car to my ex's. So I open the door, get on, and sit for like 4 seconds while looking at my phone. Neither the driver nor I realized our presence until we looked at each other and I was like "Oh, my bad this isn't my car" and then I saw my ex's car infront of the one I got on. So I just pointed her my ex's car while getting off awkwardly and she understood I got confused because they were the exact same model and color.

lucassoren · 1 points · Posted at 13:23:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Here I'm thinking this was Tesla's auto pilot.

whywoulditellyouthat · 1 points · Posted at 13:23:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Enlisted in the military

reading_internets · 1 points · Posted at 13:24:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once, when I was a kid, I was home sick. I called my friend's house and when her mom answered the phone, I got lost in my head for a second. So when she said hello, I said, "Mommy? Uh, er, no! Can I speak to Toni?"

Idk why but I was so embarrassed about that.

Leotrett · 1 points · Posted at 13:24:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled down my shirt instead of my pants when going to the toilet...

ehtuank1 · 1 points · Posted at 13:24:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This happened back in school, on a Wednesday about 8 years ago:

I woke up late as usual, but remembering that it was Wednesday helped me a lot getting out of bed. Because on Wednesdays there were only classes I actually liked: It started off with maths and history, after breakfast was physics and after lunch break I had about two hours free time until 2 AM before social studies (which wasn't really a subject I was fond of, but the teacher was cool). Without enough time to eat, I went to school a bit hungry and thought about were I was going to get breakfast. I didn't really like the school food, but there was a small bakery close enough to go to during the break.

Usually I preferred to go there during lunch break, because then I had a bit more time, but then I remembered it was Wednesday, which meant I could go home in the two hours free time between physics and social studies, since I was living only about a kilometer from school. This was what I was doing on every Wednesday in that school year. So that was the plan: For breakfast I go to the bakery and when lunch break starts I go home and eat. Exactly as I did on every Wednesday.

So when the break came, I went home. Because there were two hours free time after the lunch break. Exactly as on every other Wednesday.

Anyway, when I was home I started my computer to watch some Youtube, back then probably some Minecraft Let's Plays. When my "autopilot" made me start my computer and go to Youtube, it almost made me forget to eat, but after a few minutes wondering whether I had forgotten something, I realized I was still hungry and so I paused the video. I decided to make me some cheese sandwiches while watching. So I went to the kitchen to get bread, butter, cheese, and a butter knife. On autopilot, I grabbed the bread, went straight back to my room, unpaused the video, and was immediately reminded that I also needed butter and cheese. So I paused the video again, went to the kitchen again, and came back with the butter. I unpaused the video again and was about to spread the butter onto the bread, when I realized I also needed the knife to do so...

I paused the video again and just sat there for a minute, trying to get over the fact of my own stupidity. Finally, I got up and went to the kitchen again, grabbed a butter knife, went back to my room again, unpaused the video again, spread the butter onto the bread, and at that point, dear reader, you should ask yourself "How is he going to make a cheese sandwich without the cheese?"

...

When I FINALLY had everything together, I made and ate the damn sandwich while trying to focus on the video instead of how fucking stupid I am when I'm on autopilot. That day went into history as the day I evidently showed the most amount of stupid while on autopilot ever.

Thank you for reading through this wall of text. Have a good day, and go get yourself a sandwich.

...

...

...

You still reading? You got your sandwich? Ok, here's what happened next:

I was eating that fucking sandwich when I noticed I was also quite a bit thirsty. So I went back to the kitchen again to look if we had any juice or something (Couldn't I have looked the first FOUR times?! grrrr), but we didn't. I looked at the clock to see if I had enough time to go to the market to buy some. As it turned out, there was enough time. In fact, there was much more time than I would have thought. It wasn't even eleven.

...

Luckily, I was on very good terms with my physics teacher...

batman1884 · 1 points · Posted at 13:25:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked behind my sister in law, hugged her from behind and almost kissed her neck in the kitchen at a family gathering. Not just a normal hug. An almost grind hug. A hug between a husband who to get down with his wifey.

Thought she was my wife. They look very similar from the back. Same hair, body shape, height. Needless to say we were both embarrassed. Now I alway double check the front side first.

Frosted_Roses · 1 points · Posted at 13:25:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes if I drive late, I will zone out and stop at a stoplight regardless of the color. One time I was driving a friend home and I stopped at a green light, so she said something and I apologized but we laughed it off. There hasn't been anyone around when I've noticed myself do that but it could start some road rage so I stopped driving so late.

marinn420 · 1 points · Posted at 13:25:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last night at the bar I had one to many. Went to take a piss on the urinal. Beside me was a piss drunk guy (pissing as well). I started to mess with him but I didn't notic that I was hitting the edge of the urinal the whole time. Urin is warm I didn't notice and I had gray jeans. I came up to the mirror to wash hands and relised that i was wet from knee down so I dis what anybody would got my whole jeans wet.

blondechcky · 1 points · Posted at 13:25:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was digging through my purse and couldn't find what i was looking for. Then i look over and say oooh there's my phone. Then i remembered i was looking for my wallet, not my phone. I couldn't find it because i forgot i was looking for it

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have on numerous occasions poured orange juice in my cereal. Sometimes I find myself about to pour myself a glass of soy sauce. And once I wrote my friend's name on an exam paper because I was looking at him. I'm basically like this all the time.

TiboQc · 1 points · Posted at 13:26:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Arrive at work, pull my indoor shoes from under the rack, take my winter does off, put my winter shoes back on, put away my indoor shoes.... The day was gonna be long.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:26:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at a call center for a few months and would constantly use my closing script on my friends and family

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:26:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I disassociate so do a lot on auto pilot, but one of my most painful was getting something out of the oven and using tin foil as an oven glove! Driving is a pain because I tend to not end up where I was aiming.

Tanjello · 1 points · Posted at 13:27:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was making a pot of spaghetti & put the colander on the counter. Emptied the pot of spaghetti, hot water and all, into the colander... while it was still on the counter... and nowhere near the sink... 🤦‍♀️

CathyMeowAlert · 1 points · Posted at 13:27:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Orange juice in my tea. My mum had bought the juice that comes in the same size carton arghh. And mum said, oh why did you tip it in the sink, it was fine..

CastipherMcCal · 1 points · Posted at 13:27:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at JC Penney and when you work there, you gotta be pushing their credit card, so for every transaction I'd ask, "Will that be on your Penny's card?"

A year after leaving that job, I was working for Kohl's. They have a similar deal with credit cards, and just like JCP, they like you to really push signing up for one.

For months, I'd slip up and accidentally ask someone at Kohl's whether they wanted to use their Penny's card for their purchase.

Usually the response was something along the lines of, "That'll work here??"

DesignatedPie · 1 points · Posted at 13:28:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It’s a bit late to the party but my mom has a story that still cracks me up.

She was at the shops one day and was talking to my dad over the phone as she was paying. She walks to the car while still talking to him on her phone, gets in and immediately starts panicking and says to him “oh fuck I lost my phone!”.

My dad still asked her if she maybe left it at the till point before they clicked.

borednj64 · 1 points · Posted at 13:28:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used to work at a garage and had to be out of the house at 6. I still lived at home with my parents. One morning I woke up at 6. I freaked out and got ready as quickly as possible. When I went to start my car, my mom called me and asked where I was going. I told her work and she told me it was Sunday. Sunday was my day off so I went back inside to sleep.

dnsf3 · 1 points · Posted at 13:29:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

End a call with my boss, saying "alright, love you, bye!"

tjhilder · 1 points · Posted at 13:29:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

started pouring milk into a pot noodle instead of my cup of tea, fortunately i realised before i put too much in so i could still eat it.

Hoffman28 · 1 points · Posted at 13:29:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Grabbed the razor instead of toothbrush to brush my teeth. Fortunately I realized when I tried to put on toothpaste.

the_mkm89 · 1 points · Posted at 13:29:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

It was my first time in long time being all alone in my house. I got up to got to work and I was freaking out because I was kinda late. I dressed up in a hurry and I drove there like a crazy person to reach work on time. Thank god, I show up on time. I try to go through the sliding door but it was locked. I thought no big deal as sometimes the security guards get lazy and open this door half an hour into the shift. So i headed down to the other door and it was also locked. I said to myself “well that’s weird... let me call the security guard to come open the door”. I took my phone out of my pocket and then I glimpsed that today was Friday (which is the first day of the weekend were i live) and I proceeded to curse myself out with all the curse words I could think of at the time.

Kafferty3519 · 1 points · Posted at 13:29:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was first dating my now-wife, who was my first girlfriend, and we were establishing our affectionate habits, I kept having to stop myself from doing them with other people: like I’d hug a girl whose just a friend and have to stop myself from kissing her cheek or, god forbid, on the lips, or even from smacking or squeezing her butt like my wife and I still do today

Thankfully I never messed up, and I’m used to it all now so no more problems, but dang there were some close calls, and I usually told the girls afterward and they’d have a good laugh

Dulce_De_Fab · 1 points · Posted at 13:30:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had a couple female managers and on different occasions I've said to them "Bye mom, love you," and it kills me every time. I've saved myself a few times from repeats.

gone11gone11 · 1 points · Posted at 13:30:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Live.

leggmann · 1 points · Posted at 13:31:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made a beef stock, which is a fairly lengthy process.
Roast bones for an hour, add veg and tomato paste roast for another 30 minutes. Transfer to stock pot top with filtered water simmer for 5 hours. Strain through cheesecloth into another pot. Fuck. I forgot to put the other pot in and strained this beautiful liquid right down the drain. FML

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:31:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did you Capitalise auto pilot?

candymay22 · 1 points · Posted at 13:31:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes after a long day at work I try to open the front door with my car remote.

WesleyPosvar · 1 points · Posted at 13:31:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

while living in pittbsurgh I had a job about an hour away near the pennsylvania/ohio border. I was driving out there listening to music and I got a phone call "where are you? it thought you were going to be here af 11:00?" - it was now 12:30 and I was a good hour and a half into Ohio without even realizing...

Tmsteele2000 · 1 points · Posted at 13:31:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually wear my glasses, but when I do wear my contact lenses, I still try to push my glasses up. It's an awkward tic, and usually occurs when I'm talking to someone. Then I have to try and play it off like I needed to scratch the side of my face or something.

Ar72 · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but an ex-colleague turned up at our workplace one morning and asked to be buzzed into our secure area. I said ‘I can’t let you in you don’t work here anymore’. She had gone on full autopilot to her old job.

fulleffect7737 · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh god, when I was 17 I was finishing a long shift at a retail store during the holidays when a woman (late 40s maybe) and her husband walked in. Couldn't tell you what triggered this autopilot.. maybe her age or appearance together with how braindead I was from fatigue.. but when she asked for an item I responded with "yes Mom"... I was mortified. Luckily she seemed more charmed and amused by my slip of the tongue than anything and even told me I could call her Mom if I wanted. Nice lady, and I thanked her for being cool about it. But in the moment I must have been bright red and awkward as hell from embarrassment.

motherpupper521 · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do indirect lending for car dealerships. A couple of weeks ago, a dealer emailed my entire department, along with a few others from his dealership, asking when we would have a loan completed. I replied to all of them, answered the question, and ended the email with "lol".

BITCH_LASAGNAA · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

About a year ago, I was pouring water to drink from a kettle. When the cup was full, I panicked and completely forget how to tilt back the kettle, and I tried to catch the water from the overfilling cup with my hands. I ditched the cup to try to catch the water and ended up spilling that too. Eventually, spilled an entire 3-Liter kettle full of water. Also, my mother was watching me the entire time and she didn't even attempt to stop me.

Katofire1 · 1 points · Posted at 13:32:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Way back when - I worked at a restaurant and made corn bread in a skillet for a red beans and rice dish I was going to eat for dinner.

After it was done cooking - I grabbed the skillet out of the oven with a towel - but the towel was damped so it was getting hot. After getting it out, I threw it on the table. Then I looked at it and thought - I can just flip it over with my other hand by the steel handle and I didn’t need to walk to get another towel. Turns out it was still hot.

HpFictionFan · 1 points · Posted at 13:33:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to "open my inventory"

Vigilant1e · 1 points · Posted at 13:33:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got up for my 9AM class in Uni one day, and I felt relatively awake so assumed that even though I woke up naturally it was probably about time I got up. Was in winter so it was dark outside at that time. Made myself some cereal, grabbed my phone to browse Facebook only for it to inform me it was 2 in the morning C:

Relevant_Enquiry · 1 points · Posted at 13:33:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in primary school, I came home from school needing to go to the toilet, but was daydreaming as I walked through the house, took my uniform off, walked to the bathroom, took my socks off, put them in the toilet. Took me a minute process what happened.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:33:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So we have these id cards at my office that you need to scan before entering and while exiting.

Well, I sometimes try to scan them while entering or exiting washroom at work.

sancio21 · 1 points · Posted at 13:34:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Laundry basket near the toilet, undressing on it before taking a shower. Threw the socks in the toilet, happened more than once..

puppybear9001 · 1 points · Posted at 13:34:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just now I made coffee at work in a single serve maker put grounds in poured water in back and turned it on. Then I sat down and opened Reddit and was reading this thread. When the coffee was done I got up took the cup out dumped out the grounds opened the coffee can and scooped grounds into my coffee instead of sugar lmao.

keanureevestookmydog · 1 points · Posted at 13:34:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a bit late to the thread but oh well. I got an early night at the bar I managed and decided to get drunk with my mates. The night was done and we were all drunk as shit about to head home, when a glassie from my club comes up to me and tells me that the cops need to get into the club and retrieve someone who was asleep on the balcony. Apparently he had climbed up onto the second story balcony and decided to have a nap. So I've unlocked the club, turned the alarms off, lead the cops upstairs and locked the place up after they grabbed him. I did all of this on drunk autopilot and when I woke the next day had no memory of it at all. Only when I returned to work later that day did it all come back to me. I started freaking out because I thought for sure I wouldn't have set the alarm or locked up, but i checked the cameras and apparently I did everything the same as if I was sober.

BoTheBuilder1 · 1 points · Posted at 13:35:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So as I was talking with a girl very close to me she started telling me about how bad she feels at the moment and as she ended I replied with "well, good luck then". From that day everything fell apart and we dont talk to each other. Fuck my life man. Fuck.

LAinXNA · 1 points · Posted at 13:36:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have to use an app on my phone to open the glass door to my office. As I walked through the common area I said hi to some friends while searching for my phone in my bag. Had to set my phone down (which was in my hand) to keep looking because I couldn't find it at all.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:37:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was inserting a speculum to check the cervix and apologised as I inserted the instrument...

Then thanked the patient afterwards... So much cringe 😔

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:38:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Peed in the trash can.

sadpanda8420 · 1 points · Posted at 13:39:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Answered my parents' home phone with, "Dairy Queen, May I help you?" My grandma (who had called) was very confused. It had been a long day of answering the phone and drive though at work and apparently it was still in my head when I got home.

taviken · 1 points · Posted at 13:40:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once began pouring Diet Coke over my slice of pizza-in front of my whole family. I remember catching myself and exclaimed loudly “What am I doing!?”

p1zz4l0v3 · 1 points · Posted at 13:40:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was about to put my contacts in, routine is pop them in, turn the water on, clean out the lens case. I forgot to put them in and washed them down the sink..

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:41:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work maintenance at a retirement home and had a resident flood their apartment via their master bathroom first thing into my shift. We removed the doors in the area affected to promote better airflow for the fans.

Just as I was getting ready to leave the floor had dried and I was putting the doors back on.

I put them all upside down and walked out for the weekend without checking my work.

The poor resident had five doors (bathroom and two closets, both having double doors) upside down all weekend.

That was three years ago and I still get teased about it.

jumstakl · 1 points · Posted at 13:41:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Running away from house lizards being super afraid of them.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:41:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

drove into work which i normally took the train, after work ran for the early train got it got all the way to my normal station when i realized. I had to get back on the other way go get my car then sit in rush hour traffic thinking about my dumbass self.

Elliptical_Tangent · 1 points · Posted at 13:41:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was a web dev. I worked in an open cubicle environment. I was stuck on a problem and thinking, just staring into space for a while one morning.

A busty female coworker who sat in the same quad as me came into work while I was thinking/staring. She walked into my line of sight, saw me, and yelled, "Elliptical_Tangent, my eyes are up here!" It took me a second to understand what she was even saying because mentally I was leagues away. This didn't help. Until then, we had a perfectly good working relationship.

That was almost 2 decades ago and still to this day, I don't know what I could have said to make her understand that I wasn't even seeing her.

Foles_Super_Bowl_MVP · 1 points · Posted at 13:42:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

sometimes I put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cabinet, or I'll throw out the silverware and put the dirty napkin in the sink

talha8877 · 1 points · Posted at 13:43:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a commercial airline pilot. Once I applied taking off procedure while we were landing and pulled up the landing gear. We crash landed...

Note: just kidding. I hope that never happens. I guess that's why they have 2 pilots that can keep on eye on each other.

NickDaGamer1998 · 1 points · Posted at 13:44:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This entire thread makes me wonder if we are actually Sims.

HappyKiller12 · 1 points · Posted at 13:44:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Little late but thought was worth sharing.

In Arabic, when someone sneezes, they first say [ABC] to which anyone around replies with [XYZ]. In a taxi one day with my cousin when the taxi driver coughs and without a skipping a beat my cousin turns to him and says [XYZ]. We are both native Arabic speakers.

NickDaGamer1998 · 1 points · Posted at 13:44:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Anyone else ever put cereal in the fridge and milk in the cupboard?

JoeeSwansonn · 1 points · Posted at 13:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I spit a lot when I’m outside when I m sick and one time I spit on the wall in my classroom and I just looked at it and everyone just looked at me like a retard.

ATaseen · 1 points · Posted at 13:45:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I said "you too" after the delivery driver said "Enjoy the food"

SeemynamePewdiefame · 1 points · Posted at 13:45:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sleepy as fuck, and was about to wake up. Went to the toilet, took the teethbrush, accidentally used soap instead of toothpaste. Thank god i was half awake at that time. After cleaning, i was milliseconds away to doing the same mistake. I remember saying to myself ”What the fuck”.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:45:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, it was 2001. I was piloting a commercial plane,but I decided to turn on autopilot and... things went pretty bad.

vianiznice · 1 points · Posted at 13:46:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Used to drink A LOT, total disconnection with the central nerve system. I had moved to a new flat a few months prior. So me and a few friends went on a bender, late at night I went on auto pilot back home, only I went to my old place, went in and got in bed. 5 or so hours later I wake up to a scream, there stands the girl who was the new tennant with flailing a cast iron pan at me. She had been working a nightshift and forgot to lock.

She did calm down once she saw who I was, but we haven't talked since the incident. Two lessons learned from that: cut down your drinking and lock your front doors.

Edit; OT autopilot story, just thought I'd share :)

sandlessyou · 1 points · Posted at 13:46:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My sister and I used to both work at the same Dunkin Donuts and we happened to also live together at the same time. At work we would wear these headsets that allow you to take orders through the drive through but they also have a button that allows you to talk just to the other headsets too. On more than one occasion we have found ourselves trying to talk to each other over the headset while we’re at home by putting our hand up to our ear to press the button before realizing that it won’t work...

Missdriver1997 · 1 points · Posted at 13:46:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put orange juice in my coffee

Amazingawesomator · 1 points · Posted at 13:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sat at the same desk at work for years; they moved me to a different building. Every morning for about a month i parked, walked in the door, through the lobby, up the stairs, down the hall, through the door.... "Shit, my blanket is at hom.............".

Back out the building, back to the car, drive it to a parking spot closer to the other building and go to work.

JohnnyPUBG · 1 points · Posted at 13:47:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to lock my apartment door with my key fob, didn’t realize until I was at my car.

stumbleweed · 2 points · Posted at 13:57:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Glad to hear somebody else does this. (It's not a single occurrence for me to hit the unlock when approaching my house.)

Jenova__Witness · 1 points · Posted at 13:48:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slept through my alarm and work called and woke me up to ask if I was coming in today.... I answered the phone with: "Happy birthdaaaay...!".

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:48:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My grandmother was supposed to pick me up for drivers ed and when I called her to ask where she was, she said "oh honey I forgot, I'll put pants on and come get you."

I text my mom "why the fuck doesn't Grandma have pants on at 2 in the afternoon?" Sent. Look down. Texted it to Grandma. Oops

ReaderRabbitReddit · 1 points · Posted at 13:48:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My daughter has ADHD. Before her meds kick in she talks non-stop, literally continuous stream of thought. I try my best to be a good mama and listen, but I'm also trying to mentally start my work day; what's urgent today, what do I want to accomplish, etc. One day driving her to school and I am fiddling with the volume knob on the radio, trying so hard to turn it down. She says, "Mom. What are you doing? The radio is not on." Me: "Oh." Her, totally offended: "MOM! You were trying to turn my volume down!!!" Caught on auto-pilot! 😂

verbosehuman · 1 points · Posted at 13:49:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Scrolling through the comments, am I seriously the only one that's ever done this?

I roll out of bed, all groggy, and after washing up, I go to the closet, select a shirt hanging on the bar, take it off the rack, remove the hanger, throw the shirt to the side, and proceed to squeeze my head into the hanger.

It takes a second to realize that this is not the usual sensation my head experiences, when donning a shirt, so I quickly correct myself, and grab the shirt, and put it on, laughing at myself, relieved that there was nobody around to witness me forgetting how to human.

I have done this at least 3 times, but not for years.

cruspies · 1 points · Posted at 13:51:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to embiggen the text in a magazine with my fingers. Swoop, swoop, ah fuck.

Babies have the same problem.

libbsibbs · 1 points · Posted at 13:51:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to zoom in on a paper map like it was my phone.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:51:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work for an answering service and when we call people to give them their messages we say, "hey, it's the service." Many, many times I have called to order lunch and when they pick up the phone I say, 'Hey! It's the service.' And then wait for them to ask for their messages. I just recently did this to a coworker when I called her from the office.

AzylaJaz · 1 points · Posted at 13:53:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was working a double 12 hour shift in a row, a small banquet dinner, and I walked into the public restrooms that the guests use as well, and I proceeded to take my pants off, sit down and pee without even realizing I left the door to the stall wide open!!! Thank god no one walked in on me and I only noticed my mistake when I was buttoning my pants back up again :’)

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 13:56:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked as a traffic controller in NZ and everytime i flipped the green sign I wave at every cars passing by. After Work wenn I get some groceries it happen that I Casual wave at people in the shop. They looked awkward away most of the time

ireadencyclopedias · 1 points · Posted at 13:57:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 12, my younger brother came into my room in the middle of the night and threw up in my frog tank. I was like. What the hell are you doing? I turn on the light, My mother comes in and directs him to the bathroom where he throws up some more. Were all confused as to why he did this. He doesn't remember. I had to save my frog from the acid from his stomach so he wouldn't die.

So I hope it's one of his most embarrassing moments.

supperfield · 1 points · Posted at 13:58:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mug goes into microwave. *Beep* microwave finishes after 1 minute. Pull out mug.

"This mug is empty... DAMNIT!"

narii625 · 1 points · Posted at 13:58:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I live in an apartment complex with a trash chute. Sometimes when I take the trash out on the way to my car (I pass it on the way there) I will completely forget what I was going to do but realize it way too late. (Thanks to Reddit and my own brain for distracting me so much.) I’ve gotten weird looks being the lady who carries her trash to her car, then walks it all the way back... I’ve done this way too many times.

Illuthir · 1 points · Posted at 13:59:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting things intended for the oven into the reach in fridge and vice versa

-MaybeMe- · 1 points · Posted at 13:59:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I turn off the lights almost every time I leave a restroom. In the mall, at the public library, at the police station, etc. Doesn't even matter if there still are other people in other stalls.

tiny_doom · 1 points · Posted at 14:00:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked in retail for a loooonnng time. At the end of the day when I'm spacing out and tired I still end up going to the grocery store. More than once, I have asked anyone within 10 feet of me if they were finding everything okay.

DeepSapphire01 · 1 points · Posted at 14:00:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I will occasionally throw silverware in the trash.

I've also put ground coffee into the water reservoir...this has happened more often than I'd like to admit.

LordZaloh · 1 points · Posted at 14:00:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed my face with glasses on

zachmand · 1 points · Posted at 14:00:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a kid I used to get so focused on what I was doing that I'd resist the urge to pee until I couldn't hold it a second longer. And one time I did this to the point where I had to run to the bathroom. But, I was also holding a piece of trash that I was gonna throw out on the way there. I got so confused in the heat of the moment that I wipped the garbage open and started peeing in it until I noticed what the hell I was doing 😂

iwillnotbeshaken · 1 points · Posted at 14:00:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My place has the bin and the washing machine placed really close to each other. Got some clothes in one hand, and garbage in the other.... Came back to find the waste thoroughly cleaned, and my clothes disposed off.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:00:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wanted to try the throw technique of shot-put with a water melon and actually threw it. What a mess.

ksbzw · 1 points · Posted at 14:01:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went on astronomy camp. It’s dusk, we need to go to sighting spot and I need my torch. Couldn’t find it anywhere because my tent is a mess. Asked my friend if he saw my torch. “Sure, here” he says handing me my torch. Spend next 10 minutes with my torch in hand looking for it everywhere in the tent, and was so fucking content with myself that now it will be much faster...

sef11996 · 1 points · Posted at 14:01:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm a driver's ed instructor and I live on a one way street. Every time my mom would come get me so we could go do something for the day, I would say something about how she turned or didn't make a complete stop and then realize I'm not working and apologize. Now she's very good at driving in my neighborhood and is sure to point it out every time!

atruj003 · 1 points · Posted at 14:02:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My boyfriend drives for a living so I’m used to having conversations with him where he just shares stories and i half listen because I’m washing dishes or cleaning etc. I was finishing up a call with a customer service agent that was very similar . They were reading me back a summary of our call and confirming the purchase, etc and I was half listening. My brain went on auto pilot mode and must have associated it with one of the conversations I usually have with my boyfriend while he is driving and as the rep concludes the script I say “okay love you bye”. I have never heard someone so horrified in their life!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:03:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't have a Tesla :(

expelthegas · 1 points · Posted at 14:04:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sometimes drool in my sleep. So usually, I put a piece of cloth over my pillow so that I wouldn’t stain it.

One day, I fell asleep without placing the cloth. In my sleep, I felt I was about to drool. I woke up, took a piece of A3 paper and placed it on my pillow. Laid on that pillow for at least 5 minutes before realising.

Merica-1776- · 1 points · Posted at 14:05:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once said thank you to an automatic sliding door

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:05:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve gotten home from work many of times and turned on the tv and then put the remote in the fridge while grabbing a glass of water. My wife knows to look there whenever she can’t find it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:06:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was 19 I was a cashier at Walmart and my 3857th customer in a row actually said “bye have a good day” and it caught me off guard so I said “ok bye love you” omg..

JuiceGasLean · 1 points · Posted at 19:49:08 on January 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

my 3857th customer in a row actually said “bye have a good day”

They were the 3857th customer in a row to say this? Or the first of the 3857?

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:06:28 on January 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

The first lol

JuiceGasLean · 1 points · Posted at 20:22:56 on January 4, 2019 · (Permalink)

Ah so wait every single one of the 3857 said it? Lol I don't blame you if that's the case, thought it was the first time someone said it after 3857 customers

The_Bitter_Bear · 1 points · Posted at 14:06:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once walked out the door at my GFs place with a large cat toy that was an motorized laser, it was about the same size as my coffee mug and was next to it.

Thankfully her roommate was getting home and asked where I was going with the cat toy. I bet I would have made it all the way to work with that damn thing.

Gunty1 · 1 points · Posted at 14:06:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

GF dropped me off at the shop doors (parking space right in front of them) and herself and her daughter waited in the car while i went inside to get milk and bread.

SO i get my bits and pop back out, grumbling under my breath about the idiot parked on the row further out with their lights on blinding me. I hope in the car telling her about that "gobshite needs to dip their lights yadda yada"

Something sticks into my leg when i sit down, in fact there's a load of things on the seat. Including cigarettes - neither of us smoke, I'm like "wtf, i was gone for a second, where did these come from" and I look up.......... at this shocked foreign lady who is half way between busting out laughing and panicking at this 6ft 250lbs bearded guy in her car

i apologise and get out, looking round for where my GF had parked.... You guessed it, the "idiot" with the lights blasting at shop entrance from the row further back.

She was crying laughing to the point where i had to drive us home!

Saltyonions63 · 1 points · Posted at 14:06:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I kinda screwed up at work one time. About 5 or 6 years ago I worked at Woolworths, a major supermarket chain in Australia. I was manning the registers as usual, serving a customer. All goes well; I finish scanning her items and ring up her total: around $200. She pays with her card and I send her on her way. I look back at the screen to see her card has been declined, but by this point she is long gone. Anyone who has worked a registered job knows how tedious it can get, so at that point my brain was practically switched off. Naturally, I call one of my supervisors over but there’s nothing they can do. Somehow I didn’t get reprimanded, I don’t know if the manager was even informed, and I kept that job until my family moved away partway through January the next year. I just hope that women appreciates the free week’s worth of groceries her and her family got, because my supervisor sure didn’t.

yanman692 · 1 points · Posted at 14:06:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was working at a restaurant, and I was making a large amount of guacamole. You're supposed to scoop the meat into the bowl and you typically have a trash can right next to you to throw away the skin. I got so much into the habit of scooping the meat and throwing away the skin. One day i accidently did the exact opposite, throwing away the meat and keeping the skin in the bowl. I got down to the last few avocados before I realized what I did. Avocados are expensive and my Kitchen manager was pissed. I did it again about a month later. I was fired.

EezEec · 1 points · Posted at 14:07:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've been a musician in a cover band playing various hotels around the world. Almost every night I'd head back to my room not remembering a single note I've played.

kekeana · 1 points · Posted at 14:07:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I lived alone for a long time and have the same morning routine where I slowly move towards the front door and put my headphones in and just leave. Girlfriend stayed over first time during the week and she was telling me something in the morning and I listened but still put on my headphones and just left. About minute later I realized what happened. She was pissed in the evening. It was hard to explain

farmvillefanatic · 1 points · Posted at 14:08:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was asked in a shop if that was all I was having and replied full of confidence "Thank you, please!" Dreadful.

In the same shop I also handed over less money than was required and then said, again, full of confidence "keep the change"

infusedlemonwater · 1 points · Posted at 14:09:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Telling my boss ok bye i love you

rollercup · 1 points · Posted at 14:10:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drank soy sauce thinking it was water and proceeded to give myself a nosebleed.

shapeless69 · 1 points · Posted at 14:11:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove my Tesla

Dudefued · 1 points · Posted at 14:11:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would shower with only water. No soap. Then I’d go back in and only shampoo.

Tragicbadger · 1 points · Posted at 14:11:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Buying food over the counter.

Server: "Here you go, thanks"
Me: "Love you"
Server: "..."
Me: "Okay... Bye."

BloodsportOnVHS · 1 points · Posted at 14:12:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Buddy was living with me for a while, on the first day I backed out of my driveway for work like always... Right into his Jeep that was parked behind me.

State_Of_Mind_ · 1 points · Posted at 14:12:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I hit my knee on the table and apologised for it.

newboxset · 1 points · Posted at 14:12:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I feel like I have done all of these or may someday

kingbuttshit · 1 points · Posted at 14:13:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the Taco Bell drive thru ordering my wife’s food she sent to me via text. I was reading her text aloud verbatim and I said to the lady, “Can I get two Doritos locos tacos and a Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Be-... shit.”

sandmaster64 · 1 points · Posted at 14:14:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

There's a motion sensor light in the bathroom at my work and I usually wave my arm to activate it. One morning as I was waving, I said "Hi." to the sensor

CasualStroopwafel · 1 points · Posted at 14:14:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back when I used to commute, my boyfriend would always pick me up from the station. He would usually pull into the taxi bay if there weren’t any taxis.

One evening he was late as usual, it was cold and I was tired after a stressful day. He had a habit of driving too fast when he was late, so when a dark car came racing around the corner, I assumed it was him.

The car stopped, I moved to get in and some women who had also gotten off the train moved towards the car. So I said, “Oh this isn’t a taxi; it’s my boyfriend.” One of the women looked at me funny, then said, “No, that’s my boyfriend.”

This is when I finally looked at the driver, who indeed looked nothing like my boyfriend, then said, “So it is!” before getting tf out of this stranger’s car. The women all thought it was hilarious, especially when I explained the similarities in driving style.

Thankfully my own boyfriend pulled up not too long after to save me from further embarrassment. I always made sure to double check the reg after that.

NibbledPots · 1 points · Posted at 14:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually have cereal for breakfast, but once I had waffles and instead of getting the syrup, I got the milk from the fridge and poured it all over the waffles.

MadeThisForWestworld · 1 points · Posted at 14:15:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at Disney World when I was 4 and thought I put my swimsuit on under my jeans...I did not. Little kids kept coming up to play with me (at a Disney themed resort) but I refused to play with them because I thought they only wanted to play with me since they saw my dick.

ungku08 · 1 points · Posted at 14:16:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the bathroom to brush my teeth with door wide open. My brain decided to pull down my pants thinking i wanted to shit instead.

My bro was in full view... Thank god he was too focused on his phone to notice

ewhitten · 1 points · Posted at 14:16:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had been riding my bicycle almost every day for months. While in Costco with my wife on Saturday, I got to the end of an aisle and stuck out my hand to signal a turn.

That was four years ago and I still catch her watching me when I’m pushing the shopping cart there!

Dark-Tsuki · 1 points · Posted at 14:16:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to work in my car. I went back by bus (I take 2). Halfway throughout the second bus I open my bag and see my car keys. Fortunately I could leave my car there as it was safe and just got it the next day.

mrflamie · 1 points · Posted at 14:17:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dipped my phone on milk instead of my cookie.

RIP phone

captainkrug · 1 points · Posted at 14:18:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife poured her coffee shot into the frothed up milk still in its jug this morning.

FogeyDotage · 1 points · Posted at 14:18:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

We used to have one car with an automatic transmission and one with a stick (standard) shift. I'd occasionally forget that I was driving the one with the automatic trans and step on the brake with both feet, thinking I needed to depress the clutch. (Makes for a very prompt stop and pisses off your passengers)

Daisy_slays_dragons · 1 points · Posted at 14:20:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school, I got up, got ready, and started to walk to the bus stop. In two feet of snow. NBD. I got half way down the street before a neighborhood lady opened her door and called out that school was cancelled due to weather (first and last time that happened). I made it back home, and back in bed before anyone noticed.

bantybirdbum · 1 points · Posted at 14:20:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

"Would you like a drink with that?"

"You, too."

tunaofthesea · 1 points · Posted at 14:20:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My life entirely

Tragicbadger · 1 points · Posted at 14:21:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Have you ever been with a SO, gone to kiss them, but kissed yourself on the shoulder before your brain catches up with what you're doing? I have.

gemitarius · 1 points · Posted at 14:21:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once arrived at school in bed slippers. They though it would be funny to tell me that my laces were undone, so I was ready to do them... Oh......

artwheat · 1 points · Posted at 14:22:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

They always told me, don’t use the Auto Pilot, it’s dangerous. I didn’t listen. I was flying home, on Auto Pilot of course, from Heinmatar or Metropolis early in my career as a capsuleer. Suddenly someone ganked my Ibis right out from under me and stole all the crap I just bought!

The Ibis was free so it wasn’t a major loss and I was too young really, to have any implants. It was more of a pain in the ass that I had to go shopping again so far from home. A cheap lesson for me and why you never want to fly on Auto Pilot in /r/eve o7

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:23:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During rush hour at work instead of greeting the customer with the typical, “How may I help you?”, I asked an elderly lady, “How May I LOVE you?”

OpethPower · 1 points · Posted at 14:23:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went on the balcony to throw something in the trash bin, and I thought that I want to pee. I don’t know what I was thinking but my mother saw me holding my penis ready to take a piss inside the bin.

SuddenTerrible_Haiku · 1 points · Posted at 14:23:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband asked me to run to our bedroom and grab his phone charger.

I came back from the kitchen with a glass of milk.

He hates milk. He was as confused as me.

KaytenB · 1 points · Posted at 14:23:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I walked to the door separating our secure office area from the lobby to bring in a client and knocked... The lobby was full and I threw the door open after realizing my error and said, "Who wants to come in?" Everyone laughed and my clients pointed out who was next on the list.

ravvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 1 points · Posted at 14:23:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your mom

victrasuva · 1 points · Posted at 14:24:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting things back on a shelf, point and tell the objects to 'Stay'.

Look over and see my co-workers standing there.

alexpap031 · 1 points · Posted at 14:25:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In a hurry, hangover, last night didn't put the lock on my motorcycle. Running downstairs, keys on hand, take of the lock from the iron bar I kept it when moto unlocked, put lock on front wheel, engine on, couldn't move. Thankfully didn't fall or break anything but 1st floor neighbor was looking at me :-)

tajmahani · 1 points · Posted at 14:25:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in high school I used to get up pretty early to get ready for school. On this specific day we had a school dance scheduled so I wanted to make sure I looked extra fine for the day. The night before I was so excited for the dance that I went to bed early in Hope's of having to day come by quicker. Even when I was sleeping I kept thinking about this damn school dance. I woke up to the thought of my alarm clock going off so naturally I get up and starting getting ready for school. I'm so groggy I'm not even paying attention to the time. I made sure and took extra time to do my makeup. Finally as I start doing my hair, my dad walks by and tells me "where do you think your going." Apparently I woke up at 11pm the same day. I literally only slept for a couple hours. No wonder I felt so tired!

abortionsurviver24 · 1 points · Posted at 14:27:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend was holding the joint for me bc I was too stoned to move. I tried to smoke his thumb...he didn’t even notice.

hat457 · 1 points · Posted at 14:27:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gone the wrong place to work on the wrong day of the week.

TheFriendlyFireant · 1 points · Posted at 14:27:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once tried to put my seatbelt on as if I were in my car when my pastor started walking through the pees near me . I still lol at that.

Jamesspade2 · 1 points · Posted at 14:28:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trucker.......was very common to catch a 5 second nap while on a straight. I drove the same route a few thousand times, know every corner, bump, most of the regulars, etc. Closed my eyes at one point, cognizantly awoke a 150 miles down the road.

I wasn't exactly sleeping, but I wasn't there, either. My body just drove the truck because it knew where to go.

(After that, I'd pull off an exit and catch a 10 minute nap if I needed)

hrg0891 · 1 points · Posted at 14:29:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving class at my University after a long day and saw the bus at the stop. Managed to hop on before it left. It wasn't until I was on my couch in my apartment that I realized I drove to class that day.

Elizb04 · 1 points · Posted at 14:29:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting away groceries, I put my phone in the freezer and looked at my frozen burrito for a good 3 seconds wondering what happened to the screen???

AlfredBarnes · 1 points · Posted at 14:29:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was like 18 and watching TV i got up and went over to the trash can and pee'd in it.

About halfway through i realized my mistake but just kept going.

winnipesauke · 1 points · Posted at 14:31:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forgot which car I was driving and pulled up on the wrong side to get gas. Got out of car, stared at the side for a good minute or so before getting back in and turning the car around.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:31:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

when I was a kid I was playing halo with my dad, I was driving the warthog and he was gunner. as we're playing he's being ridiculously accurate, killing everything, and not just with a bullet spray, he'd lock in, fire a burst until they were dead, stop firing, lock in on someone else, repeat.

I turn to look at him over my shoulder to say something to the effect of "wow we're doing great!"

he was asleep the whole time

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:31:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up, got out of bed, showered, started packing my backpack for school. Hear my mom come upstairs.

Mom: “What are you doing” Me: “What do you mean? I’m getting ready for school!” Mom: “It’s 3 AM!”

wadams1117 · 1 points · Posted at 14:31:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m in law enforcement and hang out at an elementary school during morning drop offs before going on patrol. Smiling waving and saying good morning to children is a huge part of my day.

Smiling waving and saying good morning to children on my days off only doesn’t yield the same results as when in uniform.

DysthymicAndManic · 1 points · Posted at 14:32:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my old job as a barista there's this corner you have to turn to get into the coolers, so you have to yell out "CORNER" when you're about to turn it so if someones coming with something dangerous or whatever and "BEHIND" when you're behind someone obviously.

So I was at my job now as grocery clerk, I catch myself saying "BEHIND" all the time though it's not needed and it's so embarrassing.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:32:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting in my car after 12hrs or forklift driving, and trying the go forward by turning on my right turn signal.

ThotExterminator32 · 1 points · Posted at 14:33:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whats autopliot? None of the replies r related to cars, so it must be somethimg else. Some1 help me

edublighty · 1 points · Posted at 14:33:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The other day at work, I wasn't paying attention to my manager as he asked me something so I quickly smiled at him and said "I'm sorry what was that darling?"

FleurVellichor · 1 points · Posted at 14:33:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got all dressed to go to a Christmas party at a friends house and realized I forgot to put on deodorant after my shower. No problem, I’ll just put some on really quick. I was wearing a cardigan sweater with another shirt under it. I move the sweater and put deodorant..... directly onto my shirt because I forgot to go under the other shirt. Gah that was stupid, go to put deodorant on the left armpit, do the exact same thing on the other side.

cberthebaud · 1 points · Posted at 14:33:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Back in the footballin days, I jumped up and punched a football mid air whilst shouting punch, was the first yellow card my team had ever received..

Why? We had a bit of a thing going when we’re out in the local football courts where we shout “punch” and punch the football, I managed to do it without thinking in a real game! Was slightly embarrassing...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:33:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m training as a nurse, and I work as a nursing assistant. Many, many times I have knocked on doors in my own house before entering. Got to give that empty room privacy.

djsquidnasty · 1 points · Posted at 14:34:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

On more occasions than I can count I've taken the wrapper of something, then thrown the thing away instead of the wrapper

Dendrulat · 1 points · Posted at 14:34:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago. I was changing the engine oil in my F-150 pickup. I drained out all the old oil. Put in the new oil. Checked the dip stick to see if it was filled correctly. But, I didn't see any oil, this is after I had just put in 5 new quarts of oil in the engine. Then I looked under the pickup, didn't see any form of a puddle. Then I looked closer and noticed I had forgotten to replace the oil plug. So, where did the oil go? I looked even closer and just down below the drain hole was a crack in the garage floor. That's when I realized the new oil I was putting into the engine went straight down into the crack. And so precisely that left no evidence of where it went.

linuxjim123 · 1 points · Posted at 14:34:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I drove into Mexico. Lol yep. I used to live just north of San Diego years ago. I had a meeting in LA and all I had to do was get on I-5 going north for a couple hours. I get in the car, mentally turn on autopilot and go for it.

My wife was travelling at the time so it is a good time to get on the phone and chat for a while. She was dying laughing when all of a sudden "What the?!?!". "How the?!?!". "I'm at the F'ing Mexican border!!!, I gotta go!".

Unfortunately it was already too late to turn around so then I had the pleasure of explaining to customs that I went too far and I was only going in for a minute to turn around. Not sure they totally bought it.

ZIRCON2323 · 1 points · Posted at 14:35:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was like 17, I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the laundry room opened the dryer and did a full release all over clean clothes, closed the door then turned the dryer on. Slept-walked back to bed comfortable. Woke up to moms cussing me out

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:36:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm sure this happen to other people..

You are going on a trip and your friend goes, have a nice trip!

You reply, you too!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:37:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Drove 20mins towards work this morning when I was meant to be visiting my dad on my day off.

KingNerdIII · 1 points · Posted at 14:38:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grabbed a loaf of bread instead of the stack of papers I needed to take with me into work. I then walked around campus with a loaf of bread under my arm and didn't realize until I was at work.

DenimTent · 1 points · Posted at 14:38:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I worked at Ace Hardware for 3 years as a cashier and I would have to ask every customer if they have and Ace Rewards card. When I started my new job at a brewery I had to really focus on not immediately asking customers if they had an Ace Rewards card. I managed to make it 6 months without asking anybody but finally the other day I kind of blew it. A customer walked up and I said "Hi! Do you have an..." and I stopped myself. Then I realized how awkward that was and said "no you don't. Nevermind." That almost made it more awkward, but the customer just kinda laughed and we moved on. I'm so glad I don't have stupid lines I have to say to customers but I hope the Ace Rewards thing gets erased from my brain soon.

IrishTurd · 1 points · Posted at 14:38:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Still cringe thinking about this one. Junior high, near Christmas, so the teacher has passed out candy canes. I'd managed to erode mine down into a fine point just by sucking on it, avoiding the temptation to bite it. Go in for another lick and jam my pencil, which was significantly longer, into my mouth, hitting the back of my throat and causing me to puke all over my desk.

igot8001 · 1 points · Posted at 14:39:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to work at a gas station on the turnpike, so I would take the turnpike all the way in to work (about a half-hour), and when it was time to leave, just scoot out the back (not allowed, but irrelevant). One day, for no reason whatsoever, I got on the turnpike and started driving the wrong way. I didn't realize for eight miles, right after I had passed the next exit down the road (with the next exit after that being 12 more miles).

So I called work and let them know I had slept in, because I'm not going to admit I just drove nine miles in the wrong direction on the turnpike and need to drive 12 more to even turn around. Unfortunately, I had earlier taken a picture of a DeLorean with a neat vanity plate and sent it to one of my assistant managers, which was later brought up to the manager when the manager told the assistant that I had slept in and come in late ("No they didn't, they sent this picture to me on the road, well before they should have been able to make it in on time.")

So the manager sits me down and asks me what was going on, so I had to tell them I had totally not paid attention and drove eight miles in the wrong direction before realizing, and twenty total, to which they agreed the white lie was probably the right call in this case.

pyredox · 1 points · Posted at 14:39:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Kittelsen · 1 points · Posted at 14:40:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put toothpaste on my razor. I'm happy I didn't start brushing.

aoacyra · 1 points · Posted at 14:40:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m a preschool teacher and we’re starting to get more on top of the kids about flushing and washing our hands. Last night at a Christmas party I’m talking to my brother while my boyfriend is in the bathroom behind me. As soon as I hear the bathroom door open I use my teacher voice and go “Did you flush? Did you wash your hands?” Needless to say it was awkward.

washburncincy · 1 points · Posted at 14:41:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For years, I've been the "garbage disposal" of the family, eating remnants of meals and unwanted items from the plates of my wife and daughter.

One time I was in the break room at the office eating lunch next to a coworker who was doing the same. She set aside several tomatoes and cucumber slices from her salad. As I was watching the TV on the wall, I reached over and casually nabbed a piece of cucumber. I heard the exclamation of "Excuse me?!" and it kind of dawned on me then that I wasn't eating with my wife.

Darkstrang3r · 1 points · Posted at 14:41:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Entered my bank card pin number repeatedly on the microwave

collineesh · 1 points · Posted at 14:41:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I walked all the way into a Sam's Club before I realized it wasn't Walmart

thePeaceMakers · 1 points · Posted at 14:41:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So last week i got an adapter to connect my phone to a monitor as i do not own a laptop or tv. I landed up watching some part of the of movie (The Godfather) on my phone as i forgot that it was playing on the monitor.

franconianfag404 · 1 points · Posted at 14:41:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One morning after a night of heavy drinking I found my wet boxershorts (probably pissed) very poorly thrown in the kitchen trash. I never had something like a hangover (lost memory) after drinking, so I must have mistakenly confound the trash with the container for dirty clothes (which is oc in the bathroom) while being in autopilot :D

I should add that i woke up in clean und dry shorts

stevenmonetti · 1 points · Posted at 14:41:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After pouring my morning cereal, I put the milk back in my kitchen cabinet

VedderxGirl · 1 points · Posted at 14:42:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holding my Red Bull while driving.... took a turn with said Red Bull in hand, round it goes and ends up spilling onto my leg.

Atsusaki · 1 points · Posted at 14:44:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually work nights but have class in the morning twice a week. I'm pretty sure 80% of the time I get in my car to go to school in the morning I turn on my headlights.

Armed_Muppet · 1 points · Posted at 14:44:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I went to microwave a frozen pizza as a midnight snack, I put the whole box, unopened, in the microwave for 3 minutes.

It was pretty good.

Ashancor · 1 points · Posted at 14:45:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My Gf, who is saying goodbye after she drove me to the airport: Have a good flight! Me: Thanks, you too!

g8torjoe · 1 points · Posted at 14:45:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a friend that withdrew money from an ATM and then mindlessly told it thank you afterward.

Skrillexia · 1 points · Posted at 14:45:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was around 11 or 12 years old, and on Sundays we would go out somewhere for the day, once I didn't realise I still had my slippers on. So I got so far as to get into the car, thankfully when I realised it we weren't too far from home and it was before we got onto the motorway.

OMGihateallofyou · 1 points · Posted at 14:46:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked right past friends on the sidewalk.

EsDee01 · 1 points · Posted at 14:47:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was a little kid when this happened.

Just woke up from a nap after a day from school and then went to the bin, (the ones where you step on the pedal and the lid lifts up) pulled my pants and underwear down to pee a little only to realise it wasn't the toilet.

My mum's backside was facing me while washing dishes. Quickly pulled my pants up and empty the rest out in the toilet.

I'm glad she didn't notice.

ciarang321 · 1 points · Posted at 14:47:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One day in primary school I woke up and started cycling to school which took roughly 40 minutes. When I was almost there someone across the road said "Dude where's your schoolbag?" So I had left my bag at home which is basically essential.

KaytenB · 1 points · Posted at 14:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As a sleep-deprived new mom, I accidentally woke my husband up one night while crying and furiously rocking with a pillow in my arms. He asked what was wrong and I told him that the baby wouldn't go to sleep.

She was sleeping rather peacefully in her crib.

ciarang321 · 1 points · Posted at 14:48:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got into a bath with my socks still on :(

ovaloctopi · 1 points · Posted at 14:49:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I made a bowl of Cheez-Its and milk.

aj5999 · 1 points · Posted at 14:49:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I do someone a lift I sometimes accidentally drive in the direction of my house forgetting that I’m taking to their house and it looks like I’m kidnapping them until I realise or they ask where I am going

PolkHigh88 · 1 points · Posted at 14:50:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw the whole McDonald's tray in the trash

VedderxGirl · 1 points · Posted at 14:51:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I use a badge to get in and out of doors all around my office.

I’ve tried to use my badge on my fridge at home, my car and to get into my house.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 14:52:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was getting ready to go out into the snow last year, and instead of putting on a hat coat and gloves like I intended, I stripped naked and was about to go outside, but fortunately stopped myself realising what had happened

BrownyGato · 1 points · Posted at 14:52:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gone for a walk with dog. Had doggy bag in one hand, phone in other. Threw phone into the big outside trash barrels. I’ve done it thrice.

LionTigerWings · 1 points · Posted at 14:53:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Milk in the cupboard, cereal in the fridge.

Nonoperationaltoe · 1 points · Posted at 14:53:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At my previous work place we had to swipe our badges to clock in and out. So I'm working the night shift (which was pretty new to me at the time) and the end of my shift I'm leaving and instead of using the key to unlock my car, my exhausted brain decided to swipe my badge in crack of the door to unlock it.. I realized immediately what I had done and just stood there dumbfounded for a good minute before busting out laughing at myself..

personalspacepro · 1 points · Posted at 14:54:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cleared my friends browsing history while browsing on his laptop. He was right next to me and asked me why I did that..

InquiringAli · 1 points · Posted at 14:54:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's not weird. I work at a museum and I love my job, so I will always greet people visiting with a smile or a "hi"

Does not work the same out and about. Few people are nice and smile right back. Others stare at me like I'm some creepy lady.

marykavaberry · 1 points · Posted at 14:55:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I go to the same convenience store everyday before work to get a red bull. The fridge they keep the red bull in is right next to the door that they leave open during the day. I was pretty stressed this one particular day and had a lot on my mind before work I guess. I went in, grabbed a red bull, and walked out. without paying. I heard the guy yelling behind me "hey stop! Excuse me! Ma'am!" Once I snapped out of it I realized what I had just done and tried to apologize and explain my brain just farted and I think I thought I was in my own house or something that probably made no sense. Still too embarrassed to go back.

Renwald99 · 1 points · Posted at 14:55:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I an EMT and drive an ambulance all day. Sometimes on my way home in my personal car i find my self trying to go around traffic and through red lights fortunately I catch my self before i do more then swerve or inch through a red light.

waa05 · 1 points · Posted at 14:55:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I farted in line at Target.

Sittin_At_TheRollTop · 1 points · Posted at 14:56:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Post on this thread...

kdowell14 · 1 points · Posted at 14:57:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a teacher. I was once in the middle of calling each of my students’ parents to remind them of the upcoming conferences. As I was finishing up a call with a father I said, “Alright, love you. Bye.” I am so used to saying this when hanging up with my family.

I tried to call back and explain but he ignored my phone call. Needless to say the conference was uncomfortable.

thehow2dad · 1 points · Posted at 14:57:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

not me, but a colleague was out for a dinner with the boss, when his meal was put in front of him she started to cut it up for him...it was a bit of an awkward moment, but now EVERYONE thinks it's hilarious. He's a good sport.

TempusFugitTicToc · 1 points · Posted at 14:58:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This one’s kinda... personal. But fuck it. I was using the tiny, single person restroom at work. Going number 2. Finished, wiped, pulled up my boxers, and decided that I should wash my hands before I mess with my belt and pants and all that. Well I washed my hands, dried them, sprayed some lysol, opened the door to return back to work, tried to step out of the restroom AAANNNDDD... My pants were still down to my ankles. “Oh shit” were the words that came out of my mouth as I shuffled back into the restroom, handled my shit, checked and rechecked that I was good this time and left. People saw. My boss saw. Nobody spoke a word of it to me. F

TokieMcStrokie · 1 points · Posted at 14:58:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just walking into a room a completely forgetting why I went in there in the first place.

walter_77 · 1 points · Posted at 15:05:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In high school I would spit a lot. It was like a tick I had when I played lacrosse. Then once in sociology class something happened and without thinking I gracefully spat like one of those cowboy types chewing tobacco right on the floor. Everybody looked over including the teacher and just didn’t say anything. I was mortified

accidentalspacelord · 1 points · Posted at 15:07:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Opened the hood of my car instead of the gas cap at the gas station...twice...and then drove away without filling the tank

Ash_Maree89 · 1 points · Posted at 15:07:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Many times I have knocked on the staff room door before I enter. Working in aged care we knock on everyone's door before we enter. Not the only one to knock on staff room door either.

furioustribble · 1 points · Posted at 15:09:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Doing a fry up and had just grilled the bacon and the sausages so when it came time to do the eggs...!

ObeyJuanCannoli · 1 points · Posted at 15:09:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up and drank a bottle of ghost pepper sauce because I thought it was my glass bottle of coke

feckthis · 1 points · Posted at 15:09:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Picked up an aerial photo of my wife’s parents house from their mantel and tried to zoom in using my fingers. Not my finest moment.

kittykatcher · 1 points · Posted at 16:02:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do this all the time.

saltySquashh · 1 points · Posted at 15:10:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When we were a bit younger, my friend left 7 voice messages on his moms phone, asking where she hid his phone.

We were sitting together the whole time, and neither of us noticed that the phone he used was the phone he was looking for.

jwilson146 · 1 points · Posted at 15:10:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Debt free no more loans

The1OddPotato · 1 points · Posted at 15:14:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said nonsense trying to say 2 different sentences

EddieHeadshot · 1 points · Posted at 15:14:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Assumed my friends 3 year old could read a menu in a pub. I don't have any kids or family and was a little bit tipsy so it didn't even cross my mind... I felt pretty stupid afterwards

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:19:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drank a bottle of wine one night was very looped. Went to amazon and ordered all kinds of crap. Woke up with terrible hangover next day. Couldn't even remember what I ordered. lol Had to log into amazon and check orders. Lucky it wasn't a lot of stuff. Mostly candles, shoes, and glasses. I vowed never to log into amazon again or any online buying when drinking.

m33gapanda · 1 points · Posted at 15:22:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other day i was at a restaurant eating ice cream and i blew on it to "cool it off".

rosesfromanna · 1 points · Posted at 15:23:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

No longer religious, but I grew up in a very religious home where praying out loud by yourself was an everyday thing. To this day, nearly every time I leave someone a voice message (which I try not to do often because of this), I end it with “in Jesus’ name I pray, amen.”

JJDunks1 · 1 points · Posted at 15:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At a restaurant: Server: Enjoy your food! Me: You too. *awkward look... everytime.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:23:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So, I had got out of the shower and was starting to get dressed. Got halfway dressed and realized “I need to put deodorant on”. So I picked up the toilet paper roll and proceeded roll/brush it on both of my underarms, put my shirt back on and realized what I had just done. Those were the wild days.

CompDuLac · 1 points · Posted at 15:23:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was dying yesterday laughing at this thread. Woke up this morning way too early, exhausted, and running behind.. Went to trim the beard and forgot the guard.. I now have no beard 😔

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:26:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was at work and someone put the toilet paper on the sink. I picked it up and wiped, through my pee tissue back on the sink, and then threw the whole toilet paper roll in my toilet. Flushed and left.

akatuesday · 1 points · Posted at 15:28:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I went to buy my first car, my dad accidentally introduced me to the seller as his wife and and then quickly said "not my wife, my daughter" and the guy just looked at us uncomfortably for a few seconds before showing us the car.

NotMrMike · 1 points · Posted at 15:28:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work the first thing I usually do is go to the staff kitchen to make a tea and a bowl of cereal.

Some mornings things get a bit mixed up, my favourite was when I poured the kettle on my Wheatos while a co-worker looked on trying to stifle her laughter.

She still brings it up.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:29:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not exactly embarrassing but I once poured gravy in my glass then immediately poured water on my dinner...

pmrs88 · 1 points · Posted at 15:29:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Mine usually involve making hot beverages...

Stirring the bowl of sugar instead of my tea or putting the kettle back in the fridge.

Mz-B · 1 points · Posted at 15:30:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I bake, sometimes i begin to put in the garbage instead of the content. Egg shells, packets, spoons, my face

NEWMONSTERSLAYER · 1 points · Posted at 15:30:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wanted to show as offline on my PlayStation so i turned it off (because i was lagging) Then instead of hitting the options button and choosing show as offline i just logged in again (I did that four times)

mthld · 1 points · Posted at 15:31:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at a green light because every other time I’ve driven through that junction the lights been at red.

_iSpanner · 1 points · Posted at 15:32:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ordered my food at a drive through - just sitting waiting for the car in front of me to move. I’m humming to the car radio. I see the car in front of me get their food and drive off so I naturally follow them just like we were waiting at an intersection. And I drive off - out of the drive through .... with no food. It was a good minute before I realized and turned around. I decided to go order my food inside the place this time.

pr1mal0ne · 1 points · Posted at 15:33:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What is this autopilot and how do i Get it? Do I need to own an Iphone and a Tesla or something?

IlluminatedYong · 1 points · Posted at 15:33:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A year ago, my uncle called me to wish me for my birthday. I replied with “Thank you, you too”.

tropicalsunday111 · 1 points · Posted at 15:34:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was home alone and grabbed my wallet and keys subconciously, lock the door behind me, memorizing neither of this, walk to the supermarket and put the items I need on the conveyor.

The lady says my total and I snap out of autopilot completely panicked, thinking I forgot my wallet, and pat my pockets. Happy I found it I walk out of the supermarket when the next realization comes, thinking I forgot my keys. Autopilot worked well that day.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:34:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked straight into a pole while talking. I was so into the conversation I had to be told I hit a pole.

dukesliver · 1 points · Posted at 15:36:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Paper towel in one hand, egg roll in the other. Ate the paper towel.

CoroNeko_Donutslove · 1 points · Posted at 15:36:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in middle school and was often spaced out or in my mind. Also, had to wake up at 4 am to get dropped off at a friend's house in order to go to school with her because my mom had work early in the mornings. One day I was really tired and tried to kiss my friend's mom goodbye when heading out for school. Was so freaking embarrassed when I realized what I'd just done. Ughh.

Also have done the thing many people on here have done.. Told someone I was talking to on the phone to hold on cuz I needed to find my phone lol. The good thing is I think moments like these are hilarious and I always immediately start laughing at myself. Lol

masterlate · 1 points · Posted at 15:37:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Sometimes when im eating salad, i try to cool it off by blowing to it.

kellyphant · 1 points · Posted at 15:38:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was in the process of making tuna bake.. it made it into the oven, and that’s when I realised I forgot to add tuna 😑

pedanticProgramer · 1 points · Posted at 15:38:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ticket person: “Enjoy your movie”

Me: “Thanks! You too!”

Awkward pause as I stand turned around and then walk away

MuffinTrap · 1 points · Posted at 15:38:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a cafe and we sell cakes like carrot cake and all that jazz, one day I was so tired I got more carrot cake from the freezer and left it on a plate to defrost and 5 minutes later I walked out and scraped it into the bin it was the last 3 slices. Not THAT embarrassing but it was fucking stupid

AdavenVulmane · 1 points · Posted at 15:39:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

To change direction in a forklift, there’s a lever on the left side of the steering column you flick for forward, neutral and reverse. I got into my car and hit my turn signal and proceeded to have a cursing fit on why my car wasn’t moving

RHDeezNuts · 1 points · Posted at 15:39:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost put peanut butter on my phone instead of the other half of my sandwich.

AspiringCorgi · 1 points · Posted at 15:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time during finals, I had been studying in the library until 3am. When I was done , I went out to the parking garage that was conveniently right next to the library. Looked for my car for half an hour before I realized I had walked.

DreamPhreak · 1 points · Posted at 15:39:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

From way back in middle school, whenever I got back home from school, my mom told me that she was looking all over for it, but eventually found the gallon of milk in the cabinet where we usually keep the ketchup, and the ketchup in the fridge shelf where the milk goes.

Edit: Does sleepwalking count as auto-pilot? Once I woke up to having no pillow on my bed, and looked over and it was stuffed in a bookshelf.

pandahhhah · 1 points · Posted at 15:40:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pouring my milk on my bread instead of in my glass..

Remy115 · 1 points · Posted at 15:40:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve been known to store the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cabinet.

boomcoolbeans · 1 points · Posted at 15:40:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha the funny thing is that I thought this thread is about TESLA.

bwvdub · 1 points · Posted at 15:40:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my youth, went to work really tired and a bit hungover. Took a big swing of coffee and lit up a smoke at my desk. In my latter years, got my son up and took him to school... on a teacher work day.

Miragold123 · 1 points · Posted at 15:41:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I almost microwaved a can

Jumbobog · 1 points · Posted at 15:41:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I picked up an old guy's a shopping cart and walked around with it in the store for about 5 minutes before looking down when queueing up at cashier, only then realising that it wasn't mine. When I went to put it back I saw the old guy searching very confused. I don't think he saw me putting it back. But oh boy was I embarrassed.

I still feel kinda sad for the old guy. He walked around for 5 minutes wondering if he had gone senile.

chambourcin · 1 points · Posted at 15:41:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was taking a college course in a large auditorium. I walked out of class and lit up a cigarette inside the building. This was long after the days of indoor smoking.

some_whiticism · 1 points · Posted at 15:42:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking to Blockbuster, bumped into a cardboard cutout of Bob Villa. Thinking it was a real person, I said "excuse me" and then proceeded to get offended when he stayed in the same place and stared me down.

CH666bear · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was saying to the sandwich guy, 'have a lovely weekend'. Before I had finished he said 'have a good weekend'. I switched to say 'you too'. I said 'have a love you too '. My friends heard 'love you too' . Don't switch to match other people's words!

nightstrollthrowaway · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve climbed into the bathtub with my underwear still on more times than I’d care to admit

Dilbitz · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to a wedding and at the reception asked to see the ring. I automatically said "Uh, it's on the wrong hand". Bride doesn't have a left hand, and had to use the ring finger on her right. Thankfully we're good friends so she just gave me a look and laughed at me. I could've crawled into a hole right there.

butalliwantedwasboob · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

QA Feb a bed

QuickZap · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I open my car door to leave I lock it, so I don't forget to. In the afternoon I just got home from a long morning of being in the sun, so I put my car in park, took the key out of the ignition, put it in the cup holder, opened my car door, locked my car, and shut the door. Then I called my girlfriend to tell her she would have to drive us to SummerFest.

TheOnlyYoYo · 1 points · Posted at 15:43:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Uber driver after arriving at the airport: “Have a nice flight.” Me, being an absolute retard: “You too, sir.”

GhoostNight · 1 points · Posted at 15:44:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Going to the kitchen fill the water bottle , came back with the bottle empty. I'll try it again, I fill the bottle and came without the bottle.

Also, going to the kitchen to fill the bottle, and don't bring the bottle .

And so on and on, it's funny , I always laught a lot

Space2345 · 1 points · Posted at 15:44:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After a month at our current apartment I called my gf saying I was outside and I had driven to my old place .

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:46:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Searched my phone in dark with my phone's flashlight.

He_Need_Some_Milk · 1 points · Posted at 15:46:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work retail in a shoe department and some guy came in who was in a wheelchair. Was measuring his feet and when I got his foot in place I said “could you please stand up so I can get an accurate measurement” heard a very awkward uhhhh followed by the idiocy of the statement hitting me. He had a good sense of humor but thank god no one else was around to hear that.

BillyBigDCK · 1 points · Posted at 15:46:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting the cereal box in the fridge after making a bowl.

eekamuse · 1 points · Posted at 15:47:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thank you OP for this thread. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

mangossj · 1 points · Posted at 15:48:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well not me but a friend of mine during highschool. There was a party in some house and people were only allowed to smoke on the balcony. It was early spring and still pretty cold. So he was drinking and smoking there half of the night and eventually he fell asleep. In the early morning he woke up and went to take a piss and after it was done he went back to the balcony to continue sleeping.

ajrogers35 · 1 points · Posted at 15:49:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In making myself a bowl of cereal, went into the fridge, pulled out the chocolate milk and poured over the cereal before finally realizing that it was chocolate.

CultivatorOfMass · 1 points · Posted at 15:49:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking through my work's open concept office toward the washroom. As I get closer to the washroom door I undo the top button on my pants and unzip the fly and walk the last few metres with my lights wide open.

CidBarret · 1 points · Posted at 15:49:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Late to the party but the other day I was calling my dog in after letting him out to do his business. I was distracted reading a "Zelda" related Reddit post on my phone and instead of calling his name which is Layne I called out "Link".

Snoman002 · 1 points · Posted at 15:51:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had to tag some sensitive equipment into a locked facility. Was told to fill my equipment tag out like the one on the door. Did exactly that, EXACTLY that.

Name:John Doe

Etc...

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 15:51:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

trying to zoom into regular pictures or text using the same motion I would with my iPhone. Happens at least one a month.

Kookabob · 1 points · Posted at 15:52:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Right after I sold my old car. I went to the market. Coincidentally the person who bought my car parked next to me. When I left I went to my old car and opened the trunk. The new owner came running out seeing me and asked what I was doing. (Luckily it just started raining) and I said oh you're trunk was open and I noticed your trunk was open and saw your had those papers in the back. The guy actually thanked me for looking out for him. After that I nervously drove away.

Wife_hates_my_dog · 1 points · Posted at 15:53:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every now and then, when I'm at a sharp curve on a road, I will turn the blinker on. Then realize what I've done, look around for witnesses and quickly turn it off.

OfficialOwez · 1 points · Posted at 15:53:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

walked to the bus stop instead of walking to the park; they where in the opposite direction to each other

rjdevereux · 1 points · Posted at 15:53:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I thought the question was about cars that have auto-pilot and the answers terrified me.

Kynm · 1 points · Posted at 15:55:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've worked in customer service for 6 years. After a choir practice at my church the choir director asked me to pray for the closing. It had been a while since I prayed out loud and at the end of the prayer my mind went blank, and instead of "amen" I said "in Jesus name... Have a nice day". Everyone laughed at me

UsernameIsAllSevens · 1 points · Posted at 15:56:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I notice my friends didn’t have napkins at a restaurant so I went and got some for the table. As I walked around and sat the napkin down next to their drink, I said “friend” just to be silly. When I got to my seat I put a napkin down and said “frien... oh” very disappointedly. Only a few noticed my mistake but they got a good chuckle out of it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:03:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That's the best

Turtiger · 1 points · Posted at 16:06:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I yelled "no running!" few times at kids in public places like sidewalks or shops. Pro tip: I worked as a lifeguard.

Stormcloud_53 · 1 points · Posted at 16:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shopping yesterday with a friend and no children, we split up and when I’m finished I say to my cart “well let’s go find your Aunty Amy” as if it was my child..

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:07:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My teacher said that on his first day at school he automatically began to drive to his old school and not about halfway there before realising

demiduk · 1 points · Posted at 16:07:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saw an acquaintance and we did our hellos and when I started to leave, he told me "say hello to your husband from me" and I responded "thank you. You do the same please". He has a wife.

Bennybonchien · 1 points · Posted at 16:07:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Driving home exhausted after a long day, I stop at the last red light before home and put "The Club" on my steering wheel. I realized it just before the light turned green (and before locking it - keys were in the ignition) - nobody got hurt, was just slow off the line.

FizzyNFaizan · 1 points · Posted at 16:07:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I committed so sad

Ultraviolet211 · 1 points · Posted at 16:08:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Borrowed my mum's car. Locked the car and realized the button was broken so couldn't open it again using the electronics ... stood there for about five minutes despairing... then I fucking realized that I could use the physical key attached to the electronics to open the door and drive....

SirioJarvis · 1 points · Posted at 16:09:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i tried to open my house’s front door with the bus card and got pissed when it didn’t open

theB00MSLANG · 1 points · Posted at 16:10:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Raise three kids

noujour · 1 points · Posted at 16:10:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was just selecting photos on my computer and I was eating chips from a bowl.
Bowl got empty though, and I poured myself a cup of tea.

Proceed to put my hand in my tea thinking I'm grabbing chips.

Drtspt · 1 points · Posted at 16:11:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time in elementary school, I called my homeroom teacher Mom...

Macho_Mans_Ghost · 1 points · Posted at 16:12:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was "snuck" into a girls house when we were 18-ish. She still lived with her parents so we had to keep quiet... Her parents were supposed to be leaving at like 5am for a trip.

They didn't. I had to go to work and she had to walk me out of the house-

Girl- Heeeeeey dad, this is OP. OP this is my dad.

father clearly seething

Me- Nice to meet you, dad!

runs out as fast as I can as he starts to get out of his chair

TheBoxZombie1 · 1 points · Posted at 16:14:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The front door to our house is a bid dodgy, in that more often than not you have to lock the door (without a key) and then close it. And we also have dogs so if we get a delivery I need to go outside and close the door behind me...

This has lead to me locking myself out of the house twice in the past week.

greenrangerguy · 1 points · Posted at 16:15:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My main meal used to be chicken, chips and baked beans with some bread and butter to make chip butties. We'll I mixed up the butter and beans one time and microwaved a full tub of butter.

peejuice · 1 points · Posted at 16:15:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Every morning I wake up and immediately make a bowl of cereal. This one particular morning I was having Cinammon Toast Crunch....with grape Kool-Aid. Got all the way to the living room couch and turned on the tv before I realized what happened. Walked back to the kitchen, dumped it out and made another bowl....with grape Kool-Aid. I realized my mistake this time halfway through pouring it. I then made it correctly, sat down at the couch, took two bites then accidentally dropped it on my lap. I then decided I wasn't leaving the house, because nothing good could happen after that breakfast.

sleepytimeghee · 1 points · Posted at 16:15:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a meeting at work which was in a different location than our offices. It was a very important meeting, and I was a new hire. It was also very early in the morning.

I started to drive there but I was so tired that I ended up driving on autopilot to my office instead, parked, and had my key in the door before I realized my mistake. I was late to the meeting, but I didn't get fired. Instead I got death glares from my boss the whole time. He wasn't very subtle about it, even though we were in front of clients, and I felt incredibly humiliated. One of the clients was being extra nice to me during the meeting, and I think that's why. She would watch him glare, then kind of leaned over to me and make pleasant, happy small talk. Though I appreciate her kindness, that made me feel even more embarrassed.

I ended up finishing my assigned project quickly then quitting a few months later because the boss was so cruel and nasty to everyone.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:15:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made my dog dinner one night after a long shift at work. In the morning, I discovered I'd left his dinner bowl on the side and the can of dog food on the floor. I felt awful so he got a big breakfast that morning.

Scadden · 1 points · Posted at 16:16:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up during the night and had this sudden reminder in my head that I had to take my curtains down, took down one before thinking why am I doing this and, thought it would be best to do it in the morning. Woke up to one curtain closed and the other folded neatly on the floor.

Still had no reason to do it.

Lurifaks1 · 1 points · Posted at 16:16:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making a cake with straight-walled frying pan in the oven, then grabbing the handle, searing my hand.

xin7 · 1 points · Posted at 16:16:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time when I was sick and home alone I bumped into one of my shelves as I was walking around and reacted with, “Oh! Sorry!”

To my shelf. It felt so wrong immediately, and then I realized just how much the illness was exhausting me.

Dear_Terror · 1 points · Posted at 16:17:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

You know how they have microwaveable Kraft Macaroni N' Cheese?

You put dry noodles in a bowl, water, then you microwave it. Cheese powder is stirred in afterward.

I forgot water.

We were in the middle of moving and we only had tupperware.... The container slightly melted and black noodles were burnt into it. The smell was horrendous. 😂

jbridegroom · 1 points · Posted at 16:18:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've had my license for about a month and my friends needed a ride home. I somehow ended up in the wrong lane.

Lurifaks1 · 1 points · Posted at 16:18:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bit into my phone with a sandwich in the other hand

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:18:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a little charm key fob on my keychain that unlocks my apartment door. I have an ID card inside my phone case that unlocks the door at work. Both will make the opposite door beep but will not unlock the door. I frequently use the wrong one in front of my boyfriend, and he notices long before I do.

WeirdSambooca · 1 points · Posted at 16:18:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Left the juice in the cupboard with the glasses instead of putting it back in the fridge. 😅

This is one of many.

st_ereo · 1 points · Posted at 16:19:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked around the house for a good 10 minutes trying to find my glasses.

Then I looked in the mirror.

Kyser_ · 1 points · Posted at 16:19:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The only person I really hang out with right now is my girlfriend, so if I'm enjoying myself with someone who isnt her, sometimes I'll accidentally call some random person "babe."

I try to play it off as "2018 speak," but it doesnt really work out that well.

Dalstar1000 · 1 points · Posted at 16:20:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Twice* in my life being sick ive gotten confused and have peed in my household garbage can. I think its because they have the lift lid.

NikkiBit · 1 points · Posted at 16:20:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

What an interesting question! I’ve driven all the way to work before I realized it was my day off and I was actually supposed to be driving to my doctors office, which happens to be 30 minutes in the complete opposite direction. It’s pretty scary that we can drive that far without paying attention lol.

DoubleWillingness · 1 points · Posted at 16:20:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once, while searching through a cupboard, knocked a bag of sugar onto the floor (it went everywhere). The only thing I knew to do in the moment was to swear, but the words got muddled and I just accidentally yelled "SUGAR!" ...I then chuckled to myself as I went to get the dustpan and brush.

NastyKY111 · 1 points · Posted at 16:21:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OJ into the coffee instead of the half & half. Both are in cardboard containers with the plastic spout on the side, side by side in the Fridge. I didn't catch it until I took a drink and spit it all over the counter.

I also am guilty of using a strainer whilst not having a pot underneath to catch what I'm straining. One too many times this has happened. ...then you try to catch it with your hand and talk down on yourself. "oh come on, not again you idiot.."

WafflingToast · 1 points · Posted at 16:21:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to unlock my car door by waving my work badge in front of the door handle.

J_Misk · 1 points · Posted at 16:22:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I train mma and usually I just shadow box anywhere, well I was shadow boxing in my bathroom and dropped my phone in the toilet

liftforcookies · 1 points · Posted at 16:23:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pinched to zoom on a real photograph. Ugh.

officereso · 1 points · Posted at 16:23:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put the cereal in the fridge and milk in the pantry.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:23:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve bumped into manakins and apologized to them on more than one occasion.

At least I’m polite...?

Lurifaks1 · 1 points · Posted at 16:23:43 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Calling my teachers mom and dad. Also calling my gf my sister's name and our dog's name.

BikiniAlterBoy · 1 points · Posted at 16:24:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My girlfriend drops me off at work almost everyday and every time she does I tell her I love her and that I will see her soon, One time she dropped me off and I still had a ways to walk to the entrance and a buddy of mine pulled up and I got into his car and drove up to the entrance. On getting out of the care I told him I loved him just a simple nonchalant "I love you" and I guess I said it fast enough and quiet enough so that he didn't hear me and he asked "What was that?" And I just told him nothing just thinking out loud......That was a close one.

CABex10 · 1 points · Posted at 16:24:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked into a metal pole

IAMASTOCKBROKER · 1 points · Posted at 16:24:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

While roofing, I hit my thumb 3 straight times instead of the nail head.

onthejimmybus · 1 points · Posted at 16:24:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walked through an indoor shopping mall with my umbrella still up (it was raining outside). Didn't realise until I was half way up the escalators.

-LezLemon- · 1 points · Posted at 16:24:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put a lighter in my mouth and tried to light it with my cigarette.

1000yrdstare · 1 points · Posted at 16:25:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I used to live on a military base, and would go to the gym every morning. Sometimes I would run to the gym for a good warm-up. One morning I decided to drive to the gym instead, but after I was done, I ran back home and left my car at the gym. I was so confused when I couldn't find my car in the parking lot after getting ready for work. I was late for work that day.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:25:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

pm_me_burnt_pizzas · 2 points · Posted at 10:11:35 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did you delete all your comments, and how come you got positive karma

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:26:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

As an American, when driving overseas there is always a period of adjustment. Meaning specifically, the turn signal (indicators) lever and the windshield wiper lever are switched. So when you want to make a turn, you are rewarded with the swish of the blades going. Gives you a start, and then after about an hour you get back into the rhythm and switch gracefully so you turn safely and engage the wipers when you need them.

gingerohsnap1389 · 1 points · Posted at 16:26:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just last week, I was about half way done with the 4.5 hour drive to my parents’ house. I called my girlfriend, spoke to her briefly, and then called my mom to give her an update. My mom got to talking and I actually zoned out for a minute or so; no shade on my mom, but I was tired from work and couldn’t focus on anything. I started thinking about my girlfriend and when I tuned back in, my mom was wrapping up and said, “Okay, be safe, drive the speed limit.”

And I said, “Okay, baby, I love you.”

To my mom. Not my girlfriend. My mom. And we’re not that kind of family. That’s not the language we use. Mom has never mentioned it and I’m hoping she didn’t hear it. But damn. I called my mom “baby.”

Thewrongbakedpotato · 1 points · Posted at 16:26:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've always been a pretty anxious guy, and I was a somewhat awkward teenager. I still went out and tried to participate in clubs, but most of them were academically oriented.

So in the eleventh grade, my friends and I were on the Quiz Bowl/Academic Team. Our little high school's Spanish teacher was the coach, and she was overseeing the trivia questions.

Well, the question came up, "this is a bodily substance that is yellowish or milky white in composition and is typically a sign of infection in the body."

I was thinking that the answer was pus. But then I got to overthinking it. "Remember," I was thinking, "it's pus. P-U-S. With a short 'u' sound. Don't screw this up. Don't say the wrong thing! Pus."

So, of course, I slammed the buzzer and proudly announced, "PUSSY!"

My Spanish teacher's mouth practically hit the floor, I turned deep red, and my best friend fell out of his chair from laughing.

Thank God this was during practice and not a tournament.

realCmdData · 1 points · Posted at 16:26:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

So when I put dishes into the dishwasher, I usually open the trash bin and clean off any crumbs before putting it in the dishwasher. The trash bin and the dishwasher have the same opening mechanism so....

I opened the dishwasher, emptied all the crumbs into it, then opened the trash can and threw away the plate. I did the same with my mug and a butter knife before I realised and had to clean the mess I made

milescalderon · 1 points · Posted at 16:27:13 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gone into the bathroom to wash my hands and took my pants off at the sink.

casetron2000 · 1 points · Posted at 16:27:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time in middle school I picked my nose and a massive booger came out. Afraid someone would notice the giant mucus member at the end of my finger, I panicked and ate it. I don’t know why. People saw.

Geno813 · 1 points · Posted at 16:27:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Life

Element879 · 1 points · Posted at 16:28:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Made coffee and forgot to put the actual coffee pot back under the filter. That was quite the mess to clean up.

Yoyozz97 · 1 points · Posted at 16:28:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put salt into my tea, it woke me up immediately

edstark94 · 1 points · Posted at 16:28:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my country we salute all females with a kiss on the cheek and males with a handshake, i accidentally gave a random guy a kiss in the cheek and his girlfriend a handshake. I was 14.

Major-Woolley · 1 points · Posted at 16:29:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Last day of high school my favourite teacher tells me, "I hope you have fun at university" and I say, "you too!" It didn't hit me how stupid that sounded until I was halfway home on the bus

andhasaadhu · 1 points · Posted at 16:29:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Year ago I used to work as photographer in an exhibition centre in London.

Daily I had to take photos of each visitor and hand them tokens and later they could buy, should they wish, the photo on the till which was at the end of attraction.

I went on a date and slept in dates bed.

Later on at 2 am the room mate came in and turned the light on and opened door quite loudly and started changing.

I jolted up in my sleep and instructed her to stand on one side and pose. She asked me why and I told her don't you want a photo? It's free I will give you a token and you can buy photo later if you liked.

She was shocked and took her T-shirt and left the room embarrassed.

In the morning we all had a good laugh.

Still cracks me up at times.

jimmysquidge · 1 points · Posted at 16:29:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Been at work, open up internet, start typing www.pornhub.c.... oh shit

WillOrph · 1 points · Posted at 16:30:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why did he single out Germans though? Is this a perception in other countries?

turtlerock747 · 1 points · Posted at 16:30:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Idk about anybody else, but my Auto Pilot is a COMPULSIVE LIAR!!! Consciously, I'm usually very honest, but someone will ask me a simple question. Then AP lies and I have to cover up for it. Constantly. It is a real problem.

MySlamWillJamOn · 1 points · Posted at 16:30:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got to a greenlight, stopped and didn't go until the light turned yellow. Thank god it was after midnight and there was no one around.

tomatotortilla · 1 points · Posted at 16:30:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

MacDonald staff: "Chilli or ketchup?" Me on autopilot: "Ok yes please."

cringe

abbycadabby420 · 1 points · Posted at 16:33:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I one time pulled in to the gas station to fill up and after parking, grabbed some receipts to throw in the trash next to the pump. I get out and promptly empty my hand into the fairly full bin and turn back to lock my car so I can run inside to pay and realize that I was still holding the receipts in my hands. Instead of ditching my trash I had throw my keys away mistakenly. Since the bin was pretty full and my keys were heavy it took awhile of digging through some pretty nasty trash before finding my keys all the way at the bottom and covered in something sticky. Certainly not my finest moment but now when I go to the gas station I always make sure my keys are in my pocket before I even open the door.

hereforthejacket · 1 points · Posted at 16:34:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Rode only a motorcycle for 3 years in CA, got into a friend's car and almost lane split some traffic

CuriousCerberus · 1 points · Posted at 16:36:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I literally thought you were asking Tesla drivers a direct question for a minute, lol.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:37:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge

CreativeNotArtsy · 1 points · Posted at 16:37:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drank coffee through my nose in front of my professor

DeepBreathing4Me · 1 points · Posted at 17:03:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hold up.

Nomye_13 · 1 points · Posted at 16:37:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I slipped on a banana peel while walking down the street.

swirlygreen · 1 points · Posted at 16:37:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working in a drivethru I always feel like I break the matrix when I mix up the things I’m supposed to say. Ex: Handing back their credit card and saying “next one will be your signature” or telling them how much their order costs as I hand them their food

Many more examples have come from 12 hour work shifts

kowabunga-fiona · 1 points · Posted at 16:38:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

backstory: I usually grab a piece of pasta when I walk past a pot of it.

I poured my pasta into boiling water, went to make some tea, and when i came back and walked past the it I nearly stuck my hand in the pot of boiling water. caught myself just I'm time

jujuonthebeat255 · 1 points · Posted at 16:39:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tried to drop myself off curbside at the airport.

777marcus · 1 points · Posted at 16:40:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work as an air traffic controller and once we are finished speaking on our coordination lines were required to give our operating initials...there have been many times I’ve given my initials after regular phone calls with friends/fam lol.

Also if a pilot reads back an amendment I’ve issued them correctly, im required to say “read back correct”...there’s been a few times I’ve said that in fast food drive thrus when they read my order back. Smh lol

carlitos_segway · 1 points · Posted at 16:40:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at a hot dog van at my university summer ball and after putting ketchup on my hot dog forgot I wasn't at home and licked the sauce that was dripping down the side of the bottle,much to my girlfriend and everyone in line's disgust

hippo96 · 2 points · Posted at 18:26:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clarification needed: disgust at the licking or disgust at the putting ketchup on a hot dog?

MsNewKicks · 1 points · Posted at 16:42:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to the gym after work so I changed out of my work clothes and into my gym clothes and brought a new thong that I had just bought. Slightly different UnderArmor version from one I normally use. Decided to not shower before driving home, as I normally do. On the drive home, I had a really bad wedgie. Like, super bothering me. So on the highway, set AP, and then proceeded to push my butt off the chair, reach in, and move my underwear around while making sure I didn't hit the accelerator pedal.

YouBoughtaUsedLion · 1 points · Posted at 16:43:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my grandma.

Getting things from the fridge and talking to herself. Gets food, realizes she's set her car keys down. "Silly me." Grabs car keys and food and closes refrigerator door...on her own head.

They told that one at her funeral.

ArsenicVision · 1 points · Posted at 16:44:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

took the cereal box with me to the bathroom and left it there as i brushed my teeth

mega_bean · 1 points · Posted at 16:44:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drove to my highschool when I was visiting home on college break

hereisdd · 1 points · Posted at 16:45:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well, driving while in extreme mental program debug mode while a co-worker sitting in the passenger seat... and came to a dead stop For a green light waiting for it to turn green. Was a bit embarrassed but found it quite hilarious. It has happened ever so often now a days...

MoistLimpHandshake · 1 points · Posted at 16:46:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I pissed into the recycling bin in the kitchen. It was early in the morning and I was tired and my brain was clearly turned off. I just pulled down my pants and started pissing. I stopped before finishing having realised what I'm doing

momentum43 · 1 points · Posted at 16:46:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

whenever opening a private browser window at work to read the news, I have to make sure I don't type 'x' out of association.... maybe I need to go to group therapy

bex93 · 1 points · Posted at 16:46:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’ve put liquid soap on my toothbrush on more than one occasion 🤦‍♀️

spider-piee · 1 points · Posted at 16:47:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Break my leg

compalarry · 1 points · Posted at 16:48:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I answer the phones here at work “guerreros tires” so when my cell rings almost always “”guerreros tires” i just get an awkward silence from whoever is calling

darkkit268 · 1 points · Posted at 16:49:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was with my dad when we stopped at a gas station, I went inside to get a drink and he pumped the gas, I came back out thinking he had pulled the car closer into a parking spot and got in a car identical to his. I was met with a much older man saying "Can I help you?" As I realized I had just sat in the passenger seat of his car. I was so embarrassed, I apologized over and over while backing away

DirtyDeeds94 · 1 points · Posted at 16:49:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stop at the gas station in the morning for coffee and a few times I’ve opened a creamer and just threw it in the trash without pouring it in my coffee

flopcake1 · 1 points · Posted at 16:49:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Threw a full cup of water on my bed instead of my cell phone.

InkRabbit · 1 points · Posted at 16:51:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

threw a full cup of paint water in the bin instead of the sink

TheBigGaeChink · 1 points · Posted at 16:51:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

After I got done pouring the milk into my cup I put the lid of the milk into my glass of milk.

I do this all the time

KoaKoaKoa · 1 points · Posted at 16:52:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few months into working at a new job, one morning I accidentally drove to my old job location. Got out of the car and everything. Caught myself once I got to the elevator, turned around and left. Hope no one saw

WlLLYLYNCH · 1 points · Posted at 16:52:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fair enough

robotOverlord11 · 1 points · Posted at 16:52:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Putting away groceries with my phone in my hand; I've put my phone into the fridge with the rest of the food and couldn't figure out where it was.

restin_spaghetti · 1 points · Posted at 16:52:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at an airport and out of habit I reached into my pocket, crumbles up a receipt, and threw it away. It was later that I realized I threw away my boarding pass. I also did the same thing with a movie ticket.

Another_MemeLord · 1 points · Posted at 16:53:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I finished up getting ready for the morning around 06:00, I was doing my final part of the routine; brushing my hair, and when I finished doing that, I just chucked the brush into the garbage can thinking they were used cotton swabs.

takinglibertys · 1 points · Posted at 16:53:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Making myself some toast in my student dorms, finished with the butter and the knife. Went to put the knife in the washing up bowl but for some reason my brain put the butter in it 😂 Washing up hadnt been done in days so it was bye bye butter.

ryosei · 1 points · Posted at 16:53:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A girl from my shared house I told the story about one girl before lived here that she was searching one time her cell and found it later in the fridge... I find this hilarious and was laughing at that mind confusion level and she driely said, "that happened to me before as well..."

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:54:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had a long night ahead of me with a shit load of calculus homework. My phone's ringing right in front of me, and I proceed to pick it up and say hello. I sat there for a good five minutes, wondering why the hell the person on the other line isn't saying anything, before I realized that the "phone" in my hand was my scientific calculator. My grandmother was around, and she had a good laugh.

Houndmama87 · 1 points · Posted at 16:55:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Woke up after drinking way too much so I mistook my toilet for the clothes hamper😵Just glad that woke me up BEFORE I peed in my clotheshamper

TheViris · 1 points · Posted at 16:55:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried scratching my nose with my mouse pointer on the screen. Took a min to realize why I couldn't get it to work

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:56:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working the lotto machine at work, grabbed some trash in one hand the keys to the til in the other- the keys went in the trash, the trash was set on the counter. Took an hour and checking the cameras to figure out what I did. Manager thought it was hilarious

Squish_MLB · 1 points · Posted at 16:56:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Called a teacher mum 😥

malaklun · 1 points · Posted at 16:56:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m an ex-bus driver and many times on my way home from work, I would go to pull into a bus stop, in my car...

Rainking1987 · 1 points · Posted at 16:57:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I got up nice and early for work one morning, had a shave, put on my uniform, and drove into work. I was sat in my office for 30 minutes before I realised it was the weekend and we only work Mon-Fri. I didn’t want to waste the journey so I had myself a cup of tea, and then went back home lol.

itsyaboinig3l · 1 points · Posted at 16:58:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walking randomly with a brain dead after spending a few hours playing video games, and brain said "turd" and my left foot quickly turned hard left, looked down and there was a turd centimeters away from my left foot, spoderman sense felt gr8

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 16:58:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Dipped my Oreos in water

ScryClwn · 1 points · Posted at 16:58:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was having a conversation with my friend next to me and with someone over text (bad idea I know) without realizing it I had told my friend maybe to one of their questions but also typed it out and sent it to the other person. Didn't help that it was a very serious conversation and she hadn't asked a question

Callilunasa · 1 points · Posted at 16:59:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid we had a downstairs toilet that was near the back door, outside which we kept the dustbin. Tasked with emptying the waste paper basket from the living room and only just having woken up I tipped it down the toilet instead of in the dustbin.

o0perfect0o · 1 points · Posted at 16:59:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Living the entirety of my life.

The420Turtle · 1 points · Posted at 17:00:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once used the flashlight on my phone to search my truck for my phone.

Also going from my reddit app to my web browser and immediately typing reddit.com

Bin-Saan · 1 points · Posted at 17:00:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have partial seizures, where I stay conscious, but I also have grand mals. I can usually tell when I’m going into a small one, but I blackout before anything happens with the big ones, and my wife says that every time it happens, I just kind of stumble out of the room and go pee, and then go somewhere and have a seizure. I’ve never pissed myself! 👍

sparkycheesepuff · 1 points · Posted at 17:00:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was eating at a fast-casual chicken restaurant that at the time served meals on real plates with actual silverware. After eating, took my tray to dump my trash in the bin. Remembered I needed to save the plate and just dumped its contents into the trash. It wasn't until I heard the clattering of the silverware in the bottom of the bin that I remembered I had silverware on said plate alongside the chicken bones and things. Turned bright red from embarrassment and very quickly scurried out the door.

j0s9p8h7 · 1 points · Posted at 17:00:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured a whole glass of water onto my plate and nearly took a drink of A1 Sauce before snapping out of it due to ice cold water running off the table and into my lap.

extremeshitting · 1 points · Posted at 17:00:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to make pancakes for breakfast, ended up frying weetabix.

cadmaniak · 1 points · Posted at 17:01:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Visiting my girlfriends relatives in the North of England. I had never met them previously.

We are leaving at the end of the day - its all gone great so far and they seem to like me. As we put our shoes on I am on autopilot and launch into a crappy Northern accent "Come on luv lets get t'shoes on".

Cringe.

Papa_Stalin1337 · 1 points · Posted at 17:01:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pored cereal before my milk.

Papa_Stalin1337 · 1 points · Posted at 17:02:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Well shoot I meant to say it the other way around but I fucked up because I was in Auto pilot.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:03:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going to a friend's house by subway. "I'm like two stops away.Be there in 10!" Friend's house was on the same line as my office, both are two stops away from my apartment, just different direction. And i went to my office.

pandoras_box101 · 1 points · Posted at 17:04:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The old classic throw the content and keep the wrapper.

llIIIIllIIIIll · 1 points · Posted at 17:05:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Took the wrapper off of some 5 gum. Threw the gum away. Chewed the wrapper. In front of the whole class

bloodcoveredmower86 · 1 points · Posted at 17:42:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

How it REALLY feels to chew 5 gum.

coltkillzzz · 1 points · Posted at 17:05:55 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Accidentally took a muscle relaxer before school instead of my regular med...couldn’t figure out why I was so tired.

rosietherazz · 1 points · Posted at 17:07:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was used to saying "I love you" when leaving someone, from doing it so often with my family and boyfriend. I saw an old friend on the bus one day and we chatted for a while. I was getting off my stop and said "Alright, bye! I love you!" while leaving. Profusely apologized and ran home.

Omny87 · 1 points · Posted at 17:07:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once when I was six years old, i was standing in the kitchen and suddenly felt the urge to pee. But instead of going to the bathroom I went over to the pedal bin, opened it up and started peeing inside.

It wasn't until I was about halfway done that I thought "hang on a minute"

Sommory17 · 1 points · Posted at 17:08:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying “corner” and “behind” in a grocery store.

Coolbeanz17 · 1 points · Posted at 17:08:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to open house door by clicking the unlock button on my car key

jsulzinger · 1 points · Posted at 17:08:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time my dad woke up at two in the morning to use the bathroom and he forgot what he was doing and proceeded with usual morning routine (shave, dress, etc.). He did not realize what had happened until he was ten miles down the road on the way to work at 3:30 in the morning.

1887_Mar_BCOU · 1 points · Posted at 17:09:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Poured OJ in my Cheerios instead of milk. THIS HAPPENED ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.

Birdspeed · 1 points · Posted at 17:09:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Bumped a Sidewalk poster sign and said sorry to it

MU_Bagholder · 1 points · Posted at 17:10:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My life

Marsmanic · 1 points · Posted at 17:10:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I knew it wasn't going to be my day when I made my morning coffee, dropped the milk lid in to said coffee, placed coffee in the fridge then stood staring at the capless milk carton for a solid 30 seconds trying to process what had just happened. This whilst my cat stared at me with utter disgust (although that is quite standard).

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:10:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but the girl at the vet's office I'm at.

It suddenly got really busy and she got overwhelmed when some people walked in and she asked them to "please hold," while she went and did some stuff.

I laughed interally but didn't say anything because she seemed pretty stressed out.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:11:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Cracked an egg into the trashcan and put the shell in the pan

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:11:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My parents re-did there kitchen. They have lived in the same house and had their trash can in the same spot for 15+ years. When they re-did the kitchen they moved the trashcan. I would routinely throw garbage on the floor in the spot the trashcan used to be without fully looking.

GrimmHellblazer · 1 points · Posted at 17:12:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Growing up I mowed a lot of lawns for some extra money. I had my headphones in and started up the mower. After doing a few laps of the yard I felt an epic fart brewing. I realized it was time to weed whack so I killed the mower and headed to grab the weed whacker and that's when I decided to rip ass. I guess in my brain I had headphones in and used to thinking the loud mower was on so no one would hear it. I then looked around the quiet yard to see my neighbors standing there with their dog as the cacophony of my ass echoed throughout the neighborhood.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:12:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but an ex once drove his bus (or attempted to) into a McDonald’s drive thru forgetting he was driving a bus full of passengers. It caused tons of damage and I don’t thing McDonald’s or the bus company were best pleased!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:12:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Oh yea accidentally drove to Tennessee one night singing in my car.. missed my turn for college. Didnt realize it until I saw the huge welcome to Tennessee sign

wtfdidijustread76 · 1 points · Posted at 17:12:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I stayed in a hotel for 10 days while away at work. First night back at home I got up in the middle of the night to pee and walked the wrong way... Straight into the entertainment center.

fat2slow · 1 points · Posted at 17:13:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up got dressed packed my lunch and went to class. Except I realized I already finished college last year. Went home and ate my sandwich in silence.

_ThatPupper · 1 points · Posted at 17:13:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got to work looking sleek and professional. Looked down at my feet. I was wearing flip flops

StokedUpOnKrunk · 1 points · Posted at 17:13:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was updating my company’s hours of operations for 2019 and googled “2019 date President’s Day” and kept changing the holiday out to see what they all were. Eventually, I actually asked Google what the date for the Fourth of July was.

be_the_rainbow · 1 points · Posted at 17:14:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I once bumped into a shrub and apologized.

ShowWisdom · 1 points · Posted at 17:14:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fart..

sodaextraiceplease · 1 points · Posted at 17:14:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Shopping with the wife, I was just completely buried in my phone playing a game and blindly following her. Still looking at my phone I gently tap her and ask her if she's ready to go yet ... Only when I look up, it's not my wife, it's another woman. Apparently I had been following the wrong woman shopping.

Winged_Hussar43 · 1 points · Posted at 17:15:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

said good morning to the bus driver as I got off the bus instead of saying thank you

PsychoBoss84 · 1 points · Posted at 17:16:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I broke my mother's bedroom door. It opened the wrong way a bit for whatever reason and I when it stopped I kept trying to push it open the rest of the way until I did.

ChocolateG0ku · 1 points · Posted at 17:17:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Washed a pot with dried pasta sauce on it. Left it on the side and came back later. Licked the soapy residue at the bottom of the pot as if it was fresh pasta sauce

gavinquinn7 · 1 points · Posted at 17:18:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Working in a restaurant on phone duty and to go orders all night a customer walked up to me and I said “Thanks for calling _____, how can I help you” the dude just started laughing.

cramer-klontz · 1 points · Posted at 17:19:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

went to subway and ordered a meat long football

tooolazyyy123 · 1 points · Posted at 17:20:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Make sure to get enough sleep guys

Condume_Ur_Bread · 1 points · Posted at 17:21:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When working in a pizza place I was so used to pouring water out of containers and pots and stuff after cleaning them in the sink. One time I instinctively poured an entire container (can't remember what kind but it was BIG) of oil into the sink. Needless to say I wasn't asked to do another shift

ultitaria · 1 points · Posted at 17:22:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Drunk and bowling. I habitually rolled another ball while the pin resetter and guard was still down. Ended up bending the shit out of the guard.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:22:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I've switched work and personal phone-answering responses so many times, but the worst one was when I caught myself in the middle of using the wrong one.

I'd just changed jobs. The phone rang, and I started to answer with the default greeting from my previous job but caught myself about a syllable and a half in. I then tried to switch smoothly to the new job's greeting but completely forgot what the name of my new employer's company was mid-sentence, and just sort of gave up.

What I actually ended up saying was something along the lines of "Good morning, Ro- erm, uhhh... <vowel noises> ...hi."

Yes, there were witnesses.

LilGazpacho · 1 points · Posted at 17:22:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

This isn’t as lighthearted as the others unfortunately, I kissed one of my ‘friends’ on the lips in greeting in front of my then-girlfriend by mistake. I was high and not thinking clearly, but it was awkward because she had helped me realize earlier that year that this ‘friend’ had sexually assaulted me. Whoops!

xubax · 1 points · Posted at 18:11:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

That seems like a casual mention of a sexual assault.

LilGazpacho · 1 points · Posted at 19:38:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yeah.

El_gatoe · 1 points · Posted at 17:23:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have my own apartment and so I don’t pour cola into cups, I drink straight from the bottle. One time at my girlfriends parents house we were having dinner, and I grab the cola bottle and just drank straight from the bottle.

Stretch5701 · 1 points · Posted at 17:25:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am old enough to remember gas station attendants and a doilars worth (of gas, about three gallons). I pulled in to a station, asked for a dollars worth and just drove off without paying. Of course when I remembered I went back and payed. The station attendant didn't say anything.

My dad was a cop. Later that day I told him about it, and he told me that the attendant had called it in and that the cops had already been looking for me.

Mushinkei · 1 points · Posted at 17:27:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me, but my dad. He was driving home from work and zoned out on the highway. Next thing he knew, he was 2 cities away.

gangalang69 · 1 points · Posted at 17:27:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always go to throw trash in my laundry bin and laundry in my trash can.

THT_Herald · 1 points · Posted at 17:29:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was eating a snack outside while I was looking at my phone picked up a very small price and put it in my mouth. turned out it was a bug. worst part it was a stink bug

dtorssegment · 1 points · Posted at 17:30:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put hand soap on my toothbrush and proceeded to brush my teeth.

lordoftoastonearth · 1 points · Posted at 17:31:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A little more specific, but I work in a couple different labs over the course of the week. Some through uni, some through work. Me, on a Friday morning, at work, using the pipet for 4 hours, everything is cool. In the afternoon I go to a different lab for uni and start working. I have an inoculating loop I need to sterilize over a Bunsen burner and the same pipet. I cannot tell you the number of times my hand moved that plastic pipet towards the burner instead of picking up a new pipet tip and every time was a new heart attack.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:31:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few months ago I worked a long shift at work, like 16 hours. I was so tired on my way home that I unbuckled and got out of my car at a red light to walk into my house. Definitely an "Aww shit, I hope no one saw that" moment. But people saw it. There were like four cars behind me.

5ku11Face · 1 points · Posted at 17:33:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work at Jimmy John's. Once, I was wrapping sandwiches, until one time, I didn't. I just set the whole sandwich on the counter.

werkytwerky · 1 points · Posted at 17:33:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

about a week after i got my first car that had remote lock, i locked my car, walked to my front door and hit the unlock button. legit jumped when my car helpfully beeped behind me.

WeaselWang0 · 1 points · Posted at 17:37:48 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured bleach into my bath instead of bubble bath

I_Ace_English · 1 points · Posted at 17:37:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put at least 8 cups of flour in a recipe that required 2 and a half. Did a similar thing with eggs a while back.

I have the weirdest issue with the number 8, now that I think about it.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 17:39:38 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Waved at a horse from the car when my fiancé driving

LesVegetables101 · 1 points · Posted at 17:40:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband bumped into a cardboard cutout of a woman (Bud Light advert) and apologized

pajowan · 1 points · Posted at 17:41:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don't know why, but during finals in high school, we'd ask eachother "what you got today" and everyone just said what they had that day. As a joke, I didn't say English or Maths, I said "suicidal thoughts". It was just a joke and my friends knew, but other classmates didn't. So they were worried about me and I explained that I'm not dealing with real suicidal thoughts, and that it was meant to be funny because everyone had a "please kill me" face. But this isn't the bad thing I did. I had been doing this for a few days. "What you got?" "Suicidal thoughts, jk, Maths/English/French". A teacher asked me one day. I almost said it. Luckily I didn't.

I understand this is not something to joke about, but I knew my friends would find it funny and that other pupils would understand if I explained or would just go about their day not even worrying about me.

valley_G · 1 points · Posted at 17:42:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was standing in the kitchen with my little sister, drinking milk after eating all my cereal and she turned to me out of nowhere and just said "Oh". For some reason I thought it was spit-take level comedy and spit my milk all over her. I can't even tell you what I was thinking, but I can tell you my sister did NOT agree.

Joshuagrapher · 1 points · Posted at 17:42:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm currently at work and I'm pretty sure I just asked somebody if they wanted their receipt, three times.

my_cherrylips · 1 points · Posted at 17:44:29 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My ex asked me to go upstairs and grab his phone. I came back down and handed him a pillow, because I was thinking about how tired I was haha. Confused the hell out of him, and myself lmao.

OutgrownShell · 1 points · Posted at 17:46:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told my boss i loved her when hanging up the phone.

Worn my pants inside out to work.

Gotten to the car, complained about the cold and realized....I aint wearing any pants.

dulcetdecorum · 1 points · Posted at 17:47:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I'm very accustomed to reading ebooks these days. I often tap the (paper) page of a real novel I'm reading to check the time in the corner of the page several times before I realize that the paper novel I'm holding in my hand is not going to display the time in the upper right corner if I just continue to tap the page enough times. I am not proud of how many taps it takes before my brain realizes what I am doing.

EuphJoenium · 1 points · Posted at 17:48:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I usually take the trash out on Fridays. Yesterday (Friday), as I was walking to my car, I stopped by the dumpster and opened it up. I had my lunch box and coffee mug in one hand and my trash in the other. Threw away my lunch box and mug, closed the lid and got into the car. It wasn't until 25 minutes later when I got to work that I realized I brought literal trash to eat for lunch today.

Li0nhead · 1 points · Posted at 17:56:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Two examples come to mind (am British as one of these examples will clearly show).

  1. My final season of playing rugby. Bought a new pair of boots to play. Later that day, get new boots out, put in kit bag, throw old boots in the trash.... Game Day....... Opens kit bag in changing rooms, old boots inside. I think auto pilot me was trying to tell me something. Retired at the end of the season.

  2. Wake up one morning before work, go through the usual routine, making breakfast. Make cup of tea (yes Brit here). Come to eat breakfast and drink tea. See a nice cup of boiling water and milk. Guess which idiot on autopilot had not put the teabag in.

deeeznutzz · 1 points · Posted at 18:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Project Mỹ burps. I’m not proud of this

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:04:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For a school paper I was supposed to write the name of a character and importance to the plot etc. But instead I wrote Satan. Repeatedly.

ranveere69 · 1 points · Posted at 18:06:51 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I Was getting off the train, a lady was standing near the door. So i said " side please BITCH " and got off !

password125 · 1 points · Posted at 18:08:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was in a restaurant and ordered fries poured sugar on them then realized it, got new fries tried to put salt on it the cap went of and I ate the saltiest fries in my life.

Narcz_ · 1 points · Posted at 18:09:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

A shot i think

Danslerr · 1 points · Posted at 18:11:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was watering the plants and after I was done I emptied the watering can into our garbage bin

Gqrutherford · 1 points · Posted at 18:11:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hahaha, so my junior year of high school, I had to do a timeline presentation of the book purple hibiscus. While I was up there, I got to the point where the mom has a miscarriage, and me, without thinking, blurts out “baby down the toilet”. My teacher, who was sitting right in front of me, just gasped l. My friends still won’t let it go.

Lukeautograff · 1 points · Posted at 18:13:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I bowed and said Arigato to a vending machine in Japan when I got my drink

anonnumber420 · 1 points · Posted at 18:15:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

voted for the democratic party.

croshee · 1 points · Posted at 18:19:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was in first grade I used to hug my teacher everyday before leaving. One time I also kissed her because i felt like i was hugging my mom and i was embarrassed

MysticalMango1 · 1 points · Posted at 18:19:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I remember my friend was spending the night at my house once and around 5 AM we got really hungry and went downstairs to get some cereal and my friend accidentally poured his soda into his bowl of cereal and continued to eat the entire thing and didn't notice until there was no cereal left just a bowl with some sprite in it.

ttn333 · 1 points · Posted at 18:22:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I called my manager "baby". At home, I call my 2 year old and my 5 year old baby. I also call my wife baby. I can't remember what it was but I responded to my manager "It's ok baby"... then caught myself and was slightly embarrassed. I think she pretended not to notice so I didn't pursue it either.

sothatsit · 1 points · Posted at 18:24:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I have a San Pellegrino bottle that I refill as my water bottle on my desk, so naturally when my family was at a restaurant I just took a swig out of the one we ordered. Everyone was quite confused

Fuzzy974 · 1 points · Posted at 18:26:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I worked 2 hours and don’t remember a thing. I was working at a till at the time in a supermarket, only snapped out of it after 2 (maybe 3) hours. I was giving people their change and everything correctly for all this time.

kYura23 · 1 points · Posted at 18:28:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I think everyone has done this atleast once in their life but using the flashlight on my phone to search for my phone.

zenwhatever · 1 points · Posted at 18:29:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When we had the older system, we had to ask customers if they were using debit or credit before we slid their cards. The same question a million times a day. One day, my coworker picks up the ringing phone and asks, “debit or credit?” right off the bat. We could not stop laughing for a few days about it!

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:29:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was being picked up by my mother's BF after school so I see the same car he had and just get in. I didn't like this BF so didn't really look up or say hi (and it was dark) a few seconds pass and he's still not starting to drive or anything so I'm like "are you gonna drive or what?" then I look up and see an amused stranger and quickly apologize and get out of the car

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:29:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had had a long day and when I went to bed I was sleeping so hard that I woke up an hour after I'd gone to sleep and proceeded to get ready when I realized my alarm hadn't rung.

vash2051 · 1 points · Posted at 18:29:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Didn't fly the plane.

rohdej2 · 1 points · Posted at 18:30:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to San Fran for a work trip (from NYC). I set an alarm for the following morning at 7:45am so I could get to a meeting. Proceeded to wake up to my phone alarm, got dressed and ready, started walking from my hotel to the meeting. I noticed it was a bit darker than I would have expected for 8:30 am, but was like oh, I'm on the west coast now, totally makes sense.

But then I noticed none of my colleagues in San Fran had responded to my text that I was on my way yet, so I messaged one of my colleagues back in NY and it turns out it was 8:30am NY time, and 5:30 am Local time!

My phone managed to switch back to NY time somehow overnight... Needless to say I walked back to my hotel and slept a few more hours.

Mikachux · 1 points · Posted at 18:30:57 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I often will microwave coco mix with no water.

_omin0us · 1 points · Posted at 18:33:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Participated in an art competition in different city along some of my classmates, was leaving after it finished and the host wished us a nice and safe trip. I said ''You too have a safe trip''...

avg-bro · 1 points · Posted at 18:34:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I don’t need a car. Just a new bike.

Snipsnapboi · 1 points · Posted at 18:35:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Also one time was standing near a dustbin and unwrapped this Dairy Milk Chocolate which i had bought on my way back home , Had the wrapper in one hand and chocolate in the other , guess what I threw in the dustbin.

djamii11 · 1 points · Posted at 18:36:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

In my bathroom i got a basket for dirty laundry and in the other corner a trash can. I was cleaning my room went to the bathroom to put away the clothes and the trash , put clothes in the trash can and trash bag in the laundry basket.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:45:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wasn’t gonna add to this when I saw it this morning but this JUST happened to me so I worked at Supercuts for a long time and it was a busy location and I was right by the front desk so I’m constantly sayin “Thank you for calling Supercuts and color how may I help you ...” recently moved to a nicer salon and have been slower since I just started so I answer the phone and book clients a lot here too. I just picked up the phone and launched straight into “Thank you for calling Supercuts “ and then before I could correct myself the person on the line said “oh I must have the wrong place “ and hung up. There goes my next client oh well

operarose · 1 points · Posted at 18:45:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Here at my job pretty early on when I was both learning the ropes but also trying desperately to do it well and remember it all. There is one thing we do that requires putting together a packet of various documents, one of which must have one duplicate each on white and colored paper. My coworker/supervisor stood beside me and dictated, "grab the first sheet, now two copies of the second, etc." When it came to the colored one, I took the appropriate document (on white paper) from the little shelf, a sheet of blank colored paper from the large stack atop the filing cabinet in front of me, and left our office for the large communal copier outside. After a moment, I heard my name being called and turned around to find my coworker staring at me in disbelief. I went back inside and she pointed at the large stack of premade colored paper copes on the next shelf down.

I have never felt so stupid.

LakeTroutFisher · 1 points · Posted at 18:45:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was about 14 years old and went to brush my teeth before school half asleep.

I opened the medicine cabinet above the sink and pulled out the tube of what I thought was toothpaste.

It was my older brother's shaving cream.

0/10, do not recommend.

Cluelesswolfkin · 1 points · Posted at 18:50:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The usual mix up of looking for food in the kitchen and after I'm done using them, it all goes back, the cereal in the fridge, the milk in the cupboard and somehow my phone in the freezer.

dumbass_random · 1 points · Posted at 18:50:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was going towards the sink with dishes in one hand and phone in another.

Decided to put the phone in the sink and came back to room with dishes in my hand

BlastFurnace88 · 1 points · Posted at 19:00:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

During our high school graduation when the principal was giving the shield he said “congratulations” and I replied “thanks same to you”

seraflm · 1 points · Posted at 19:00:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once during landing I joined the passengers applause, I am a flight attendant.

OneWheelMan · 1 points · Posted at 19:03:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Egg yolks in trash, egg shells in pan

Hmogrant · 1 points · Posted at 19:09:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My absolute best was the morning that I staggered from the bedroom to the coffee pot, dragged the cup by the handle, poured a cup of coffee, turned the cup over and poured the coffee INTO the cup.

Andolomar · 1 points · Posted at 19:13:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I always practice trigger discipline with drills and saws. I never noticed until my colleagues laughed at me.

TheWolvenOne · 1 points · Posted at 19:29:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

For some reason everytime anything touches my arm I say ‘ow’ out loud.

Murazama · 1 points · Posted at 19:47:23 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Puff of air. "Ow..."

Nigel_IncubatorJones · 1 points · Posted at 19:58:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

OMG, you sound like one of my sister's. Growing up all I had to do was touch her and she would yell OW all dramtic like. I got in trouble va couple times because my parents or grandmother thought I actually hurt her. She almost 60 now and it's just a habit , she always says ow even when nothing actually hurts. Her friends and family make fun of her for it.

IneptlySocial · 1 points · Posted at 19:50:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Blew kisses to my girlfriend over the phone, roomate distracted me and I looked up and accidentally blew him a kiss.

The cringe was real...

YesilFasulye · 1 points · Posted at 19:58:10 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It wasn't me, but something I witnessed. I went into a popular gas station. I asked for a Powerball and a Megamillions ticket. The girl behind the counter took my $3 (the combined price at the time) and into the intercom mic said, "one power and one mega." It was around the time shifts were changing, so the overnight shift and the day shift were all there. We all paused, then started laughing while she went ahead and died inside. I looked into the position and their shift is crazy, so it was understandable. You're working 10 hour days from like 4pm to 2am or 10pm to 8am, 2 or 3 if each. So really, you need to be sleeping when the sun is out, and that's not how the human body has evolved to function.

JonnyBraavos · 1 points · Posted at 20:06:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

At the store I bought some stuff at the self checkout line and requested $20 cash back.

I promptly put my groceries in a bag and left, leaving the $20 there... Didn't realize til 30 minutes later and didn't bother going back...

Alwaysskyhigh · 1 points · Posted at 20:13:00 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was driving home after a long day at work and was smoking my dab pen and drinking iced tea. I went to hit my dab pen and it was actually the tea and I startled myself so much I almost swerved off the road

Kanerodo · 1 points · Posted at 20:16:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lead at my old job told me a story of when he was working, had his daughter on his mind and his boss hollered his name and he said “Yes sweetheart?” The boss just looked at him and said “nevermind” my lead realised his mistake at this point anf doubled down and said “Okay sweetheart”

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:17:34 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Gaming with a friend, eating some chocolate and putting the wrap into my cup of tea...

Wellthen3 · 1 points · Posted at 20:19:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Once I was at a get together with a bunch of my friends. My girlfriend was briefly there but she was leaving on a flight that day, and she had left early. After she had left, I was sitting next to a close friend who was a female. Turns out, I had very randomly and intimately caressed or pinched her arm ( I don’t really know bc I wasn’t even paying attention.) she looked at me, and basically said “what the fuck?” In a not so angry, but confused voice, and I had no idea what she was talking about. Then it daunted onto me what I was doing and that she was indeed not my girlfriend that left 15 minutes ago...

CantBeBothered13 · 1 points · Posted at 20:20:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Said “I love you” to a coworker before hanging up.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:23:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

calling a teacher mom

matthewgateru · 1 points · Posted at 20:25:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fart in the classroom as the teacher was teaching, and everyone was silent looking at me

Marcinda · 1 points · Posted at 20:27:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I tend to wake up at 330 am to go to my weekday job. Whenever it's my day off or my weekend job, I sometimes wake up all of a sudden and get dressed before running out the door. There was a time when I made it to my car, turned it on and checked my phone for the time, I realized the day wasn't correct. I went back to my house and flopped into my bed in embarrassment.

2plus2equalsjessica · 1 points · Posted at 20:34:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I just got off a long serving shift and was out for some beers, as I left the bar I opened the door for a strange gentlemen, looked him dead in the eye, and said "Thank You".

raininmywindow · 1 points · Posted at 20:36:21 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was mixing paint for a customer, my phone rang. While talking on the phone clicked the first 'cream' colour option and set it to add the pigments.

Only after I finished my phone call did I realise I picked the wrong colour and by then the pigments were already going in. I wasted 10l of paint.

Oops...

danklettuce4207 · 1 points · Posted at 20:39:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Taken the wrong ADHD med at night which would have kept me up all night. I had to gag myself to get the pill out.

CuteCuteJames · 1 points · Posted at 20:46:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When working at Home Depot, I spent my first month asking people if they wanted to open a Target card. Whoops.

Chennywah · 1 points · Posted at 20:52:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Third meal of the day. 😊

_throwmeaway_4 · 1 points · Posted at 20:52:17 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was really tired and out of it when I was about 15, was at a park with a couple friends and I was really in my own head. We were sitting at a picnic table and I was staring down at the table while day dreaming and thought “I wanna bash my head off the table because I’m so tired” a couple seconds later my friends were staring at me asking if I was ok- I had actually bashed my head into the table instead of just thinking it. No drugs, alcohol or anything.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 20:53:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

thought you meant tesla auto pilot. lol

Ghorgingus · 1 points · Posted at 20:53:32 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Put the milk in the pantry and threw the plate in the trash.

supernasty · 1 points · Posted at 20:54:26 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

I was about to stick a metal butter knife into the toaster cause my waffle folded and started burning, then realized as I was sticking it in that I was about to commit accidental suicide. That would have been pretty embarrassing

wikram · 1 points · Posted at 20:56:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Finished work and started walking to my car, only I couldn’t remember exactly where I parked. Searched all 3 floors of the parking lot and couldn’t find it for my life. I was convinced it had been stolen so I go talk to the guy in charge of the parking asking to see the surveillance cameras, and all of a sudden I had a flashback. I run out mid conversation onto the street and jog a couple blocks to where the ATM is. There it was, parked in front. I had gone during my lunch hour to take out some cash, and then proceeded to walk to work. My brain completely erased that memory until I somehow had that flashback. I did smoke some weed prior to going to the ATM, so that probably had to do with it.

Worst part about it is during this whole ordeal my coworkers where waiting outside for me to go drink, so obviously they all found out.

maz-o · 1 points · Posted at 21:01:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

GF left for work super early in the morning, asked if I could do some laundry for some important thing. I got up still half asleep, threw the laundry in the toilet, flushed, and went back to sleep.

bobloby · 1 points · Posted at 21:02:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My dad was once eating salad, and he gets the vinegar... And puts it in his coke. No, not cocaine, the soda.

Ionlyweargucci · 1 points · Posted at 21:06:35 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Went to go pick up my sister after she got out of school. I ended up at my college before I realized what I did

Aksu40 · 1 points · Posted at 21:06:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was once tried to pay my groceries with my bus card. Luckily the cashier was nice and we just laughed.

VariableIsUndefined · 1 points · Posted at 21:20:05 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my friend -

Had an important midterm at 10.00 AM.

Set an alarm the night before for 7.00 AM. Woke up, turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. Woke up at 10.30 AM, noticed the time, yelled OH SHIT !!! and went back to sleep. Woke up at Noon and ran to college.

He was a straight A student until then. He begged the professor to allow him a little leverage, asked to
allow him to take another test by himself, offered to do a project in return. The professor didn't budge.

My friend ended up failing this class and graduated one semester late.

TuttiFrutti80 · 1 points · Posted at 21:24:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am female teacher [37]and for the first time about a year ago in my career I worked alongside a male teacher[27], we got on well and often joked about him being my work husband and vice versa. At the end of the school day there always 3 or 4 of us (all female apart from him) in my classroom marking books, lesson prep and general social chit chat - about 4 months in I walked into my room and there were several members of staff sitting round the table and no spare chair, so I walked round and sat on the male teacher’s lap - this is something I often do with my actual husband, it was only when saw the look of shock on the faces of my female co workers that I understood what I had done. I jumped up and immediately apologized to my rather red-faced male co-worker... needless to say I have never lived it down!

psycheGrass · 1 points · Posted at 21:27:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yesterday I was real high playing pubg online with my buddy, when I sneezed and immediately said "bless you"

limonkufu · 1 points · Posted at 21:43:12 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I woke up and checked the clock to see I overslept and was late for school one hour. Got dressed immediately and rushed to the lesson running since I was living close to the campus. Entered the department building, knocked and allowed myself into classroom only to realize it was empty. Thinking the room changed I decided to text my friend and when I was unlocking the phone three small letters caught my eye: Sat short for Saturday.

Teh-Piper · 1 points · Posted at 21:45:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I opened up the defibrillator box at school because it was mesmerizing to me for some reason. The alarm sounded for about 2 seconds before someone asked what I was doing

allstarissey · 1 points · Posted at 21:47:50 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Almost dived on a bed.

That wasn't there.

Czechoslovakia2 · 1 points · Posted at 21:55:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Walk into a restaurant, walk past the counter, and sit down at a random table.

Resa6 · 1 points · Posted at 22:44:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

i-a girl- kissed my 15 years old cousin-a girl- in the park when i was 13 and now i know why the people were looking at us with an open mouths! it became embarrassing when i grew up tho xD

mgatty3 · 1 points · Posted at 22:51:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throw up gang signs

tonicrock · 1 points · Posted at 01:14:53 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few years ago I got Lasik surgery. For months afterward, I would wake up and go to grab my glasses.

bobstar · 1 points · Posted at 01:17:44 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Draining crab meat in a container at an old kitchen job. Would normally squeeze the juice out, dump the meat into the bowl, and toss the container in the trash, but bozo over here dumped the meat straight into the trash.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 01:26:20 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stood up, put my bag on, left my classroom, walked to the cafeteria, saw a clock. It turned out that class was ending in 10mins. Luckily I sneaked back into class as everyone was still packing up

SmallSigBigSauer · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:55 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

We laughed like hell about it. I laughed when she started apologizing on the phone and that lightened the mood. Years later we are still great friends and both work at different companies now. It all started when she called me baby after an interview lol

lovebabyofbratlypits · 1 points · Posted at 01:52:48 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throw away my plate instead of my leftovers

Demon_nebula · 1 points · Posted at 02:08:52 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was talking with a friend we were in a circle and I literally just blacked out and rugby tackled him bear in mind he's like 5'5 and I'm 6'3 so he hit the ground hard but he was too stoned to realise and we all just stood there for a good 5 minutes or so in silence.

myusernamesuck2017 · 1 points · Posted at 03:13:04 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was sat in my room making a teeny tiny blu tac model of the millennium falcon while my boyfriend played PlayStation. Boyfriend asks me do I love him Autopilot says yes Boyfriend asks do you love blu tac more than me Autopilot says yes He got pissed that I'd obviously been autopiloting some of my I love you's. I was just trying to build a millennium falcon out of blu tac, fuck.

Oh and same guy, was playing world of Warcraft and he went to get me a glass of water, I was pretty into my game so when he came back he sat down on my bed, I'm playing on a bean bag on the floor, I lean over intending to kiss him on the knee to say thank you, kiss his laptop and don't notice.

TLDR: Pissed off ex boyfriend by autopiloting twice and revealing a possible inanimate object fetish.

noodlesunite · 1 points · Posted at 04:12:50 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Something I did back in school: usually we wear our gym/pe attire at school because our gym clothes are DriFit and its really hot wear i live lmao,, however we have to wear our school uniform when we have assembly talks so usually everyone just wears their uniform over the gym clothes and takes it off after. Except this one time after assembly i started unbuttoning my uniform when we left the hall, and my friend looked at me like she saw the most horrifying thing

I wasnt wearing my gym clothes, or anything under my uniforn

UrielEveros · 1 points · Posted at 04:42:56 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I grew up with only my mom. I was the obedient, non-needy middle child.

During the span of highschool, college, and my jobs. I've called my female teachers/superiors "mama" and "mommy" instead of "ma'am".

The same things happen to when i had a girlfriend.

I'm 23 now and i still do it.

LedinWingZ · 1 points · Posted at 04:58:09 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Damn that's poisonous.

yuval_rubin · 1 points · Posted at 08:06:02 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

The internet ruined my speech settings, at this point I just reply to everything with "no u" or "your mom " on auto pilot. Someone says good morning, your mom good morning. my friend calls out my name, your mom _! Everyone just got used to it at this point

TheBizzarreOne · 1 points · Posted at 08:12:31 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Burp really loud right behind a stranger

StarSlayer46 · 1 points · Posted at 08:35:43 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I put soap on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste

Ssshhhsecret12345 · 1 points · Posted at 08:52:11 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

What watch do you wear?

bowoseph · 1 points · Posted at 10:33:30 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I try to eat a cup of water thinking my phone is the cup

Typical6username9 · 1 points · Posted at 10:55:59 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Not me but my dad . He put his slippers in the freezer and after a few days of looking for them decided that he'd like some ice for his coffee , he was suprised to say the least.

metalhoernchen · 1 points · Posted at 11:06:54 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wrote my bachelor thesis in an immunology lab. Doing ELISPOTS (Immunostaining) you have to either apply antibodies and let it incubate or remove washing solution from the same well. Long story short.. I flicked 300$ worth of antibody down the drain

urlocalcherub · 1 points · Posted at 18:01:30 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just the other week I was getting ready to get in the shower and was undressing while on the toilet, stood up and then threw my sock in the toilet and my tampon on the floor. Gross but hilarious.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 18:24:01 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tried to unlock the office door at work using my car key fob.

Three or 4 times.

Amolk2207 · 1 points · Posted at 18:44:11 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saying Yes sir,instead of Yes ma'am every time to a lady coworker. Did not have a lot of ladies in the field of production engineering.

rissaboo212 · 1 points · Posted at 19:27:41 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

My husband works super early, so last night he was singing a little song to himself saying "I'm gonna go wash my nuts and my bootyhole, cuz that's all I really know" and he just switched to autopilot for a minute and started singing "I'm gonna go wash my butts and my nootyhole" and didn't realize he was saying it until he noticed I was dying laughing lol

overweight_boi123 · 1 points · Posted at 02:55:43 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured sprite into a bowl.

one_voices · 1 points · Posted at 07:10:20 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

Was going to meet a friend and had to walk past my bus stop route - ended up taking the turn into the stop, onto the bus and halfway home before the 'Wait a minute...'

sirtwisted · 1 points · Posted at 16:39:18 on December 24, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was sitting in my office at work. My phone rings. I glance at the caller ID and it's my wife. I answer the phone "Hey baby". A man's voice says "Hello?". It was one of our customers who I work with all the time. The number is pretty close to my house phone number. I stammer out "Oh sorry, I thought you were my wife." He said "Not today". We both laughed but I was horrified for a second there.

tastytoes69 · 1 points · Posted at 19:09:27 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

Ua

J

PremedGod · 1 points · Posted at 19:27:33 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

on auto pilot I have crashed

Jesteress · 1 points · Posted at 21:22:06 on December 25, 2018 · (Permalink)

I work in a restaurant, on Saturday I usually spend hours just making coffee, with frothing milk, pouring it on an espresso, latte art, the whole thing

if start making coffee without paying attention I end up making cappuccino's every time

So sometimes I'll catch myself like "wait I had to make this coffee an Americano" and then I have to start over

It happens all the time, it's always cappuccino's, sometimes I'm lucky and do actually need them

spoopy_elliot · 1 points · Posted at 00:06:33 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Used the flashlight on my phone to look for my phone

spoopy_elliot · 1 points · Posted at 00:15:42 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

“How are you doing?”

“No”

Saveron · 1 points · Posted at 00:36:05 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

During a class in college for public speaking I actually uttered the words "Sorry, I hate doing anything oral" while making a presentation. This girl I really like was in the same class and when I look at her, she is holding back the tears of laughter mouthing "Oh child, we really need to talk..."

akshredder16 · 1 points · Posted at 06:34:48 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

I peed in the trash can.

Cyanide666 · 1 points · Posted at 10:43:49 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

Masterbaited while i was asleep laying next to my wife... only to be shanking by my wife asking what i was doing then i realised i had my dick in my hand, twas no dream...

pinkpiercings · 1 points · Posted at 13:28:41 on December 26, 2018 · (Permalink)

i work at a grocery store and i was trying to get the electric cart to move and i’m standing there tapping and tapping it and it’s not moving. a guy walks up and was like oh i’ll take that and i’m like it’s not working... he says you have to sit on it. i know this!! i was really out of it.

Currynrice9728 · 1 points · Posted at 01:33:01 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pour my cereal and milk on a plate instead of in a bowl. Or putting orange juice on my cereal... Just those weird things you think 'wtaf' once yourve realized what's just happened.

maalbi · 1 points · Posted at 03:17:40 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha

Tonyphase · 1 points · Posted at 07:51:21 on December 27, 2018 · (Permalink)

Headed to my first day of work at a new company. Drove 20 minutes in the opposite direction to my old job.

JayBlizz · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:15 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

I love eating cereal, I eat it all the damn time. Never quite grew out of it as I got older. Anyways, every now and then, I will be on complete auto pilot and put the box of cereal in the fridge and gallon of milk in the cabinet.

redditray92 · 1 points · Posted at 19:10:40 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

Definitely would be turning the car off/taking keys out of ignition IMMEDIATELY after pulling into the driveway. Not putting the car in park, whoops.

ToeSalt · 1 points · Posted at 21:20:52 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was at work walking down the hallway with a friend (coworker) , older Irish women who works for the company was walking passed us. As I was talking with my friend , we both stopped talking to say good morning as she passed. Only I said to her “Top of the morning to yah” in an Irish accent ..... (silence) as we all kept walking. 5 seconds later my friend says what the fuck was that ? I just said, I have no idea. He still brings this up 10 years later

StRIXx584 · 1 points · Posted at 22:59:25 on December 28, 2018 · (Permalink)

When i smoked, my morning ritual consisted of a coffee and cigarette whilst reading the news via my phone.

One morning after a particularly long night of studying i was sitting at the porch table with said coffee and cigarette and instead of lifting the cup to my mouth i took a massive swig of stale cigarette butts and ash.

emmigeezel · 1 points · Posted at 01:50:04 on December 30, 2018 · (Permalink)

A few hours ago I was at a stoplight and saw the left turn signal go green so i completely went through the stoplight without double checking and almost fucking hit a car turning left, so I honked at him thinking he was in the wrong lmao

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 22:02:31 on January 7, 2019 · (Permalink)

Eaten a cake

redimp89 · 1 points · Posted at 17:25:40 on January 14, 2019 · (Permalink)

I've put breakfast ingredients away where the ingredients from the previous day should go, i.e. eggs in the cereal cabinet.

When I was in college and my sister was in a treatment facility on the other side of the state, my dad once drove me back to school after spring break by way of sister's facility city. Crammed a 90 minute trip into a 3.5 hour trip!

BobbieGreenfelder · 1 points · Posted at 09:42:08 on January 22, 2019 · (Permalink)

I don't know that it can be called as autopilot but whenever I read books, I feel fuzzy and sleepless..

Ha ha ha ....

kahnee · 1 points · Posted at 23:35:21 on January 29, 2019 · (Permalink)

Parked in a handicap spot, not the closest but the one furtherest from the door and got a ticket.

Artisuko · 1 points · Posted at 17:44:02 on February 1, 2019 · (Permalink)

Flew a plane of 140 passengers to Zimbabwe once, completely zoned out don’t remember a thing.

c00lertenu · 1 points · Posted at 14:13:01 on February 8, 2019 · (Permalink)

I walked to the pantry to grab a cookie, close to the human treats, there were some dog treats. Why not take one for the dog with me. So I grab a human treat for myself, and a dog treat. I sit down and proceed to call my dog. It comes running to me. I put my own cookie in my mouth and tell the dog to sit down and reward the behaviour with a treat... only to come to realise the cookie I was about to give him was my cookie.. and the cookie that was supposed for him was now in my mouth..

bayer_aspirin · 1 points · Posted at 00:25:00 on February 10, 2019 · (Permalink)

I went to Wells Fargo. I was the only person in line and went to the bank teller. I was waiting for my funds to withdraw and was out of it and looking at this cute teller nearby lol. She said “Hi” so which I responded similarly lmaoooo, but she was talking to the dude right behind me in line. Someone got behind me and I was too aloof to notice. She laughed and replied “(laughs) hi to you too!!” and turned red lmao.

97s8357k · 1 points · Posted at 06:13:23 on February 22, 2019 · (Permalink)

I was 16 at the time and was filling a bathtub for myself and we had recently been debating on whether or not to invest in a new house... well I got a call from my friend down the road asking if I wanted to come join them for movie night and I was so pumped and of course said yes and walked out to head down the road. About 15 min later I realized what I had done and come back to find the tub in my grandmothers master bedroom had flooded the bathroom and her bedroom and the floors were falling through within the next few days. Nevertheless to say we make a quick decision that a new house is just what we needed 😂

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 02:14:11 on May 1, 2019 · (Permalink)

Post office trucks have a knob you pull in and out to turn the lights on/off.

Couple of times I get to a stop and try to push a knob that isn't there in my own car.

shmoplayz · 1 points · Posted at 23:27:23 on May 15, 2019 · (Permalink)

Once i was having a sleep over with a friend and when his mom came in and say "good night i love you" i instinctively said back "i love you too" we laugh about it now

IzarkKiaTarj · 3 points · Posted at 22:58:22 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hello, fellow /r/Tumblr browser.

🎙️ ItsaHelen · -7 points · Posted at 23:05:17 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Haha hello!

BigNigExtreme · 1 points · Posted at 11:13:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Whenever I'm online with friends I always join the call and ironically say "yo wutup gamers". The other day, I walked into school very early, Vice Principal, Janitor and a bunch of students around and loudly proclaimed "yo wutup gamers".

atvdanny · 1 points · Posted at 22:58:39 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Got really high one night and I remember watching family guy. Then 20 mins later my pistol was infront of me to, taken apart and cleaned. Shit was crazy

SwampOfDownvotes · 1 points · Posted at 00:01:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Just happened like an hour ago actually. Just needed to wrap one more present for my wife. I pull the product out of the shopping bag, remove it from the packaging and the moment I throw away the packaging I think

"Wait... I am not supposed to open it... I am supposed to wrap it..."

kimchi01 · 1 points · Posted at 00:21:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Jerked off

b00kem_dan0 · 1 points · Posted at 01:02:30 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I literally squeezed my crush’s boob while talking to her during my awkward junior high school stage. Don’t even remember how it got to that point, but it was straight autopilot totally blanked until she stopped talking suddenly.

fourleggedostrich · 1 points · Posted at 01:28:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Tired dad of a then 2 year old. Drove past a tractor and pointed it out excitedly, "ooh! Look! A tractor!"... There were only adults in the car with me.

iamnotagardengnome · 1 points · Posted at 01:43:20 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I scrubbed lotion in my hair after getting out of the shower once… I have no explanation as to why I thought that was a good idea.

librocubicultarist92 · 1 points · Posted at 03:29:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Don't know if it counts but I've answered a phone call in my sleep before. I was working a 10pm - 6am shift so I would sleep during the day. I'm also a very heavy sleeper (if I'm tired enough not even my alarm will wake me). One day I woke up sitting on my bed talking to some telemarketer, at least I think it was a telemarketer. I have no idea who they where, what I told this person or where they were from I just know I was very confused and they sounded quite frustrated. I quickly made some excuse and hung up. This was a few years ago and there has been no evidence I signed up for anything so that's good I suppose.

Also I've been training martial arts for a few years and it's been drilled into me to bow coming in and out of the dojo as well as onto/ off the mats. Occasionally if I'm distracted I'll bow going into work or other places in public. I've also accidentally answered my boss with hai instead of yes.

Dedod_2 · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I poured barbecue sauce into my cup of ice rather than on my borger.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Chew my nails off/clean my teeth to the horror of others

SelfConfessedCreep · 1 points · Posted at 11:36:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Clean your teeth?

iamflyipilot · 1 points · Posted at 03:30:56 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Forgot to engage approch mode when on an ILS so I did not automatically capture the glideslope. Almost got to 1/2 scale deflection before I corrected it.

mystique0712 · 1 points · Posted at 03:31:04 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

When I was a kid my uncle called me one night and told me that he will be coming home the next day. At night I heard the door bell ringing and I came down to open the main door but it was someone asking for an address. I went back again and checked the time and it was 2 AM midnight. I got scared thinking to myself how I went down like that.

Thank god I didn’t open the door.

[deleted] · 1 points · Posted at 03:45:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I saw something really cool irl while holding an xbox controller and went to take a screenshot

Swissvalian · 1 points · Posted at 04:06:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Pulled into work, unplugged my phone (listening to a podcast), opened my back door to get my lunch box, remembered to get my wallet out of the console to make sure I swiped my card to re-credit my account in the cafeteria kiosk....what else, what else....oh yeah, my thumb drive to look at baseball stats for my upcoming fantasy draft....and...that should be it.

Left work and couldn't find my keys....where are my keys?...what the hell, I left them in the ignition...and I can't turn them because...they're already turned all the way to the right????

And the engine is dead....and the gas gauge is reading empty...how the hell...ohhhhhhhhhh

thebludgeonmaster · 1 points · Posted at 04:20:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would get up around 6:00 AM for work. Sometimes afterwards I would take a nap. Once my nap took longer than usual and I didn’t get up till 6:30 PM. Not noticing the PM on the clock I panicked thinking I was late to work. It was also in the middle of winter so it would have been dark either way. Got all the way to the door before I realized my mistake.

tyme · 1 points · Posted at 04:26:47 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was snowboarding and caught an edge on some ice, tucked and rolled, and popped right back up on my board after one roll.

Kjbossman · 1 points · Posted at 06:32:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Thought the salt was sugar then fucked my hamster

deeeaaattthhhhhhh · 1 points · Posted at 06:46:36 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

At work working the till. I’m barely even there. I ask “receipt with you or in the bag” before I even scan anything. Normally I say it as it’s printing.

Other times I would go to ask a customer if they needed help finding anything and I would also say would you like the receipt with you or in the bag.

I hate myself.

guccitaint · 1 points · Posted at 06:48:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Stopped at gas station. Went in to pre-pay for said gas, then proceeded to walk out get in my car and drive off... to embarrassed to go back

FromageOmage · 1 points · Posted at 07:27:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My wife decided to artfully paint our street number on the front of our house. When she finished, she asked me to come have a look. I had to point out to her that she had not in fact painted the street number on our house but rather her bank card PIN number.

SelfConfessedCreep · 1 points · Posted at 08:23:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I Was thinking 'How could you make that mistake??' Then realised it must be one of those crazy long American streets with house numbers that go into the thousands

Where is live most houses are just double numbers, so it would be an even weirder mistake aha

mrskinlizzy · 1 points · Posted at 07:31:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sleep walk, and it’s bad. It’s great fun, To see my wife and our neighbors showcasing my adventures in my underwear throughout my neighborhood.

gandalfncheese · 1 points · Posted at 07:39:09 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I cannot describe how many times i've zoned out and accidentally referred to my teacher as mom in school. :(

2AspirinL8TR · 1 points · Posted at 08:20:42 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Eating at a restaurant and after the food is served noticing we have zero napkins

I get up to go into the server station and grab napkins in a pile so big I pass them out to tables on my way home to my table

TheBubblewrappe · 1 points · Posted at 12:12:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Told a telemarketer I love them before we hung up.

TriggeringAlarmSound · 1 points · Posted at 13:36:28 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was cleaning out my sink popes and a bowl was under the pipes and overtime filled with water. There was so much smelly water that i wanted to get rid of and poured the water down my sink without the pipes being connected. My roomate still gives me hell for it

Cyrodiil_Guard · 1 points · Posted at 16:44:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was feeling really sick, so I managed to crawl out of my room and into the living room. For 45 minutes, I was stuck on a loop where I'd go to turn the TV on but I'd turn off the cable box, and vice versa. Finally, I gave up and started to silently cry until my mom came over and turned them both on.

I was really happy until I was stuck watching HGTV for the next 2 hours. Then I started to cry.

mitchellstaples · 1 points · Posted at 18:10:08 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Getting in my car, buckling my seatbelt then reaching over my shoulder to grab my seatbelt to buckle it again. Can’t seem to break the habit as it happen almost daily.

dlerium · -4 points · Posted at 02:36:40 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Seeing auto pilot I thought of Tesla vehicles. Thought I was in /r/teslamotors and wasn't sure how any of these replies had anything to do with a car and auto pilot. Was thoroughly confused for 3 minutes at least until I figured where I was.

spmahn · -11 points · Posted at 23:58:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this question meant for like Pilots? I don't get it otherwise.

a_pregnant_almond · 6 points · Posted at 04:49:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

It's an idiom.

[deleted] · 2 points · Posted at 16:47:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The term autopilot means when a person is being absent minded and does stuff without thinking about it

[deleted] · -8 points · Posted at 01:42:25 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

rata2ille · -1 points · Posted at 07:33:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Why the fuck are you posting about this in between comments about terrorizing your late brother’s widow? Do you not have other priorities right now?

useduser93 · -5 points · Posted at 01:28:31 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Best friend told me when he was drunk him and his girlfriend got in a fight she punched him in the face and so he "choke slammed her".

We laughed it off as they separated, no criminal charges were made. Later they got back together and he brought her to the Christmas party. We were all drunk and they were rough housing being playful. As I left the room to go get another drink apparently I said "ooooooh! Dont choke her!"

He swears to me that I said this but I dont remember it at all. And it's really fucking embarrassing holy shit.

[deleted] · -16 points · Posted at 00:36:24 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[removed]

JoeTG9 · 6 points · Posted at 01:36:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I mean, of course she secretly did. The grasp of a gentlemen (such as myself) is something that a woman would enjoy.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 04:05:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Yes of course. I mean duh. But when I told that to HR they fired me

Lewi1541 · 0 points · Posted at 02:43:19 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Me and my friends like to toy around with Asian accents... We're not racist or anything it's just in good fun.

Well one time when I was at work (a gas station) an Asian lady walked up and said "yes, can I have $20 on 7" In a mild accent. And I replied "OHHHH Yeeeessss twantyyy ooonn sevannnn" with a super thick mocking accent... Didn't mean it u shoulda seen how red my manager got and how many times I said sorry...

RubyNinjaThief · 0 points · Posted at 06:57:07 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I sent a snap of my yellow toilet once.

Tink_650 · 0 points · Posted at 08:20:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I’m now a truck driver, because people.

EZE_it_is_42 · 0 points · Posted at 08:43:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Fart at a professional meeting... Just got too comfortable with my partner while on vacation. I'd like to think i looked as surprised as everyone else... Looks were given, words were not, we moved on

Edit: i mean i really let one rip. It was let go as if i were the only one on the planet.

ilanisrt · 0 points · Posted at 09:05:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was leaving my mom for the airport at 4:00 am and as I was taking out the suitcases from the trunk I slammed the door down without realizing my mom was underneath.

foxthatruns · 0 points · Posted at 09:06:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I do that in the shower too!!

Sablexire · 0 points · Posted at 09:18:45 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My friend has to use a radio at work. Oftentimes when we get drive through and get the total, he answers with, "Copy that." and looks like he wants to die.

I_LOVE_MOM · 0 points · Posted at 09:19:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Does he work for eb games?

Seminem21 · 0 points · Posted at 09:20:16 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I had just woken up and was somewhat drowsy. I like to fidget with things, so while my roommates were in the living room talking, I picked up a zip tie and put it on my thumb. I closed it too far and the zip tie got stuck on my thumb.

Had a fun time playing with a knife to get that one off.

kezza596 · 0 points · Posted at 10:42:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)*

Worked as admin for the homeless, including a lot who couldn't read or write. I was summarise the legal paperwork and show them where to sign, and remind them to do it clearly, in the box, and neatly please.

One night I was doing some personal paperwork to open a joint bank account with my partner, I signed by bit and handed it to my SO and told him a 2 sentence summary of the bank account while pointing where to sign and exasperatedely told him to do it neatly please.

I had to catch myself for a moment whilst my offended and slightly pissed off SO wondered why I seemed to think he was incapable of signing his own name.

[deleted] · 0 points · Posted at 11:45:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

The number of wait staff I've wished a happy birthday haunts me.

Abnormal-Normal · 0 points · Posted at 12:11:22 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Throw a bag of gold fish in the fridge. It was a long night lol

ClydeCessna · 0 points · Posted at 13:02:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I was flying the RNAV 4 approach into Culpeper and I forgot to do the checklist for approach and landing. It resulted in me almost landing with an empty left tank

cockinstien · 0 points · Posted at 14:57:49 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I was going down on a girl and I was used to eating my ex’s girlfriends pussy so after she came I kept going trying to get the new girlfriend to have multiple orgasms. But she stopped me and said woah there cowboy my clit is too sensitive to keep going haha I felt embarrassed but at least I learned from the interaction!!

Edit: spelling a word

Bunniesinpink · 0 points · Posted at 15:17:33 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would say passing throug Uedama with cargo load of nitrogen, spirits and exsotic male dancers :D

Peppperbellgaming · 0 points · Posted at 15:39:37 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I would ask them to leave the plane because all have an invalid visa

adzo_001 · 0 points · Posted at 17:56:54 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Busted a fat nut

technocrawl · 0 points · Posted at 18:01:15 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am poor I don't have autopilot

kewlstar69 · 0 points · Posted at 18:03:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Trumps building a wall lol

TheRemoteLostUnder · 0 points · Posted at 20:31:41 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Flew plane

AubinCLemar · 0 points · Posted at 08:20:20 on December 23, 2018 · (Permalink)

Lol do you like the idea of eating a lunch as well?

[deleted] · -32 points · Posted at 21:54:27 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

kingklansmen · 1 points · Posted at 18:07:06 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

X to doubt

ImBrain · -1 points · Posted at 03:46:39 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

One time I completely forgot auto pilot was on and flew directly over runway 22 at 4,500 ft MSL without realizing I was approaching the airport

[deleted] · -1 points · Posted at 04:14:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

My whole fucking life.

chiefasskicker · -1 points · Posted at 04:58:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I nearly punched a female co-worker. She was moving fast towards me from the side. I changed position, putting my feet in a fighting stance, and raise my fist. I grew up with two brothers. She backed off and apologized and so do I.

[deleted] · -1 points · Posted at 05:15:59 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

ok so i was piloting my plane i went to piss, put the bloody plane on autopilot and it just crashed on me, it bloody sucked. this did happen and is 100% not fake at all ok. remember 100%real

ericslang · -1 points · Posted at 05:59:44 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Go to the restroom at work and actually use the toilet and NOT LOOK AT MY PHONE. And get this, the whole ordeal only lasted 5 mins until I had to get up and wash my hands! Silly me 🤷🏻‍♂️.

Aryashah77 · -1 points · Posted at 06:46:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Umm... my life!

joosh0420 · -1 points · Posted at 07:24:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Fucked my dead dog

Vesalii · -1 points · Posted at 11:18:14 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Saw a nice ass, kicked it. It was my girlfriend's sister's ass. I somehow talked myself out of it.

I also have tried to open the front door with the car remote.

[deleted] · -1 points · Posted at 12:27:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Had a massive shit on the floor and ate it

[deleted] · -13 points · Posted at 01:28:58 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

SelfConfessedCreep · 4 points · Posted at 08:17:11 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)
Karma_Horan · -33 points · Posted at 21:55:53 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

Your mom. Was definitely embarrassing.

[deleted] · 6 points · Posted at 02:53:27 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Holy fuckin edgelord

smokecat20 · -6 points · Posted at 18:24:02 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I am a police officer, and saw a person of color and funnily enough I instantly motioned to grab my gun, but I was off duty that day! So embarrassing!

[deleted] · -6 points · Posted at 22:59:02 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

[deleted]

R_lynn · 6 points · Posted at 01:44:53 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Is this something your husband is actually okay with you doing or is it like a tic of some sort

[deleted] · -2 points · Posted at 22:53:56 on December 21, 2018 · (Permalink)

I wasn't on the song.

Ba-dum-tss

[deleted] · -2 points · Posted at 03:31:03 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Wow Cole. Sexy af

In-Justice-4-all · -2 points · Posted at 03:49:01 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

I own a tesla and a BMW. While driving the BMW occasionally I'll flash the headlights at oncoming traffic and then do something other than drive.

KingCervie · -2 points · Posted at 07:18:18 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Masterbated to yiff on the highway

fori1 · -6 points · Posted at 07:50:52 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Hi I need karma,, please help me

jshtatman · -5 points · Posted at 00:04:46 on December 22, 2018 · (Permalink)

Couldnt tell yuh..