As someone on crutches for the time being and tired of nosey people asking how it happened, I'm going to add a version of this to the rotation of blatant lies I've been telling them.
No word of a lie, I heard this joke when I was 12ish and didn't get it, and I've been saying it ever since and not really got a laugh from it... I'm glad it's here.
I dunno if this is THE source, but in one of Louis C.K.โs last specials (yeah I know) the opener said it. I forget his name but he had crazy dread locks and wore a vest with no shirt. Kinda caveman-ey.
On Last Comic Standing, his opening line killed me. He had his signature crazy hair, no shirt, and jean overalls. The joke was โhow do you like my overall look?โ
icer816 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 18:16:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's wrong with Louis C.K.? From everything I've seen and heard about the sexual assault allegations it sounded like it was mostly just people consenting (though they didn't want to but were in no way forced so really he had no way to know that "yes" wasn't real) to him masturbating in front of them.
Am I missing something? This was one of the few allegations that, to me at least, sounded like he didn't do anything wrong (he just has a fetish that people find weird.)
I think he had a professional relationship with these people which meant they felt pressured to say yes out of fear of how rejecting him would impact their careers. I donโt know that for certain though.
Which still means they feel pressured. In the entertainment industry, you piss off the wrong person and you'll never have a job in the industry ever again. Especially if that person is at the top
Edit: this is how Weinstein was able to get away with it for so long. He was a top producer, he could literally end your entire career with a few phone calls.
I never said he would do that, but that is what goes through your head as an up and coming artist.
Its ridiculous to blame him for making the choice to masturbate in front of someone? You're joking right? He made the choice, himself, to do it. So who is the blame supposed to lay on
zadharm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I'm on board up until this point. Louis CK is not the head of a major studio or anything. This is the assistant manager at walmart being banned from dating walmart employees...and publix and bi-lo or whatever. You're moderately successful so you're not allowed to come on to anyone in your entire field? That's absurd.
He is one of the most well known comedians with a lot of connections. The threat doesn't even have to be there, but when you are trying to make a name for yourself in the industry, the thought is already in the back of your mind
The man himself realized it was wrong and was going around apologizing to these women before it got out. I'm going to go with his opinion of the dynamic.
Yup, even if he wasnt intending to use his position for favors and was just being his weird loner self, they thought it was that sort of situation.
Lovewell ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:19:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it's super fuckin weird
icer816 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:32 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not here to debate if it's weird or not. Everyone has a fetish of some sort.
Lovewell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:06 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah everyone's got a fetish but asking your coworkers to watch you jack off and just going ahead and jacking off while you're on the phone with them isn't okay is it? He isn't in trouble for sharing a little fetish he's in trouble for sexual harassment.
drdrpipe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"though they didn't want to"
icer816 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:00 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They still said yes and he isn't a mind reader. We only found out they wanted to say "no" after the allegations started.
No, I don't know for sure who did it first, but I heard Harry Hill using it for standup before Tim Vine became well-known, so I'd put my money on Harry.
I dont get it, someone please explain? Am not native
achard ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:31:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone's mother gets a new boyfriend/husband (due to a break up or death for instance) her new partner is typically called that person's step father.
A step ladder is a ladder with steps instead of round rungs. It's often smaller than a normal ladder (only 2 - 4 rungs high for instance) and folds out so that it is self supporting, unlike a normal ladder which is leaned against the thing you're trying to access (house/tree/etc).
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But what do step ladders have to do with a garage?
achard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:23:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When the birth (real) father of a child leaves his partner, a different man who later marries the mother, taking on the role of husband and father, is a Step-Father.
Then there's stepladders, which are little ladders.
I used a variation at work. Somebody asked me for the ladder and I said "This is just my step ladder, it's not my real ladder." It got a lot more laughs than expected.
EwokKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve been reading all of these in Rodney Dangerfieldโs voice. Funny factor doubles every time.
I honestly thought I made up a version of that joke. Every time I used my step ladder I would scream โyouโre not my real ladder!โ
Please tell me I made this one up: โI adopted a highway once, but when it got older it wanted to find its โrealโ parentsโ
My real step ladder helped me get up in the world. His occupation was a potter. Hence, the former became the ladder much later in life setting a lattice in the lettuce patch setting boundaries for my future growth.
sangstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard this from a lead in comedian to a Louis CK performance. Guy had dreadlocks and looked pretty unique.
gltovar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember watching either Louis CK's stand up special or Louie and the guy introducing Louis did that joke. Can't remember his name but he looked like a homeless man on LSD.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But ya know what? He did his darndest for a kid that wasnโt even his.
my father used to say that a true paranoid is someone who goes to the baseball game and when the catcher walks out to the mound to talk to the pitcher he's sure they're talking about him.
TheFeshy ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 18:03:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does your father know what I'm thinking when I'm at a baseball game?! Has he implanted something inside my head? I bet he's working with the pitcher...
I work at a hospital. We had a psych patient who was delusional thinking the cops were wiring his phones and following him. He eloped from the ER so we had to call the cops who are now on the lookout for him.
Thereโs a great scene in GLOW where someone accuses Marc Maronโs character of paranoia and his response was โIโm not paranoid! Who told you that?โ
Vindexus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he*
pa79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey Doc, everyone's ignoring me!"
"Next one, please."
Bizarrdo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor, thereโs a midget here to see you
-Tell him heโs gonna have to be a little patient
DrMux ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 16:58:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were baking in an oven. One says to the other, "is it me or is it hot in here?" The other looks at the first, pauses, and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"
Two fish are in a tank. They are swimming around happily. They are exactly where they should be. They are good fish.
Two soldiers are in a tank. They are driving it toward the enemy lines, about to open fire. They are doing as they were ordered to do. They are good soldiers.
Two soldiers are swimming in a tank. They are swimming towards the enemy, happily about to open fire. They are doing exactly what they aren't meant to be doing. They are good refrigerators.
Theyโre sitting on a perch. I.e. a fish. And they smell fish. But a perch is also a thing parrots and other birds stand on. So it has a double meaning. So it makes sense, whether or not you find it funny is subjective.
Most modern underwear is equipped with the dickhole in it. Iโve heard that joke but with socks instead.
whittler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:04:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The penis was never been meant to go through that hole. The two overlapping, unconnected pieces of fabric stretch and contract, allowing for freedom of movement. The two layers also provide a piss patch to control small excesses of urine.
If you want to be cool, go ahead and pull your dick through there.
blubat26 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandma is starting to slip mentally, but of her favorite things to do is to tell little jokes like this. So to avoid this my dad (her son) bought her some joke books to keep from hearing the same joke relentlessly.
diddy1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:01:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think everyone is missing the double joke here. Heโs wearing two pairs of underwear in case he gets a hole in one. One joke is saying heโs keeping 2nd underwear for backup if he tears it while punning hole in one, the other is saying if he scores a hole in one then heโll need two pairs of underwear.
(Cus excitecrement)
If he drowns he's a male ant, and if she drowns she's a female ant.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:24:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once overheard a young girl (probably about 12) earnestly telling her family this 'fact' in a restaurant. She was telling it as "did you know that female ants sink but male ones float". It took me a few seconds to realise that she'd obviously heard this joke but missed the point.
When I first heard this I was like whoa really.... it took me a lil while. Iโm ashamed.
But fun fact, entire ant Colony is female besides drone males that leave colony to HAVE SEX, then once they mate, they die. Very sad, Alexa play quackers Oats commercial.
If they linger too long the queen ant will chop their bodies up after SEX.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Originates from the old West, the person riding next to the driver on a stagecoach would usually be armed and on the lookout. For the most part they were armed with coachguns, which were a kind of shotgun. Eventually the person next to the driver just started being called "riding shotgun".
lukee910 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:26:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's quite an interresting origin, thanksfor explaining!
I'm Canadian. I didn't even know the origin. It makes sense though, and cool
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:42:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you're about to embark on a trip in a vehicle as a passenger you "call shotgun" to reserve the front passenger seat for yourself. All others must sit in the back.
Itโs when you get the front seat, or first to speak up for something so you get guaranteed it or first choice. Itโs like a โme firstโ or โdibsโ.
If you dive (I used to) this joke gets very, very, very old fast. Because almost every dive instructor says it (mine did) and then there's always someone who thinks no one has heard it so within 10 minutes of a group getting on a boat they have to repeat it.
After I got certified it was 2 years before I got a chance to dive again, so I went along in a van with a group still pool training to refresh my skills. Not 5 minutes into the drive one of them turns to me and tells me the joke, assuming since I hadn't been there when the instructor told it it would be new to me. It was my old instructor....
Was cashier. Had an override code that assigned the product to fruit and just let me type in whatever price I wanted. I was a crazy fast cashier. By the time they got halfway through the comment I'd sold them a $2 cantaloupe and three other items had gone through the scanner. I sold a lot of fruit.
On my starting shift I always grabbed a carton of eggs and kept it at the register to swap out broken eggs for the same reason.
As a former grocery cashier, that egg thing is brilliant. Not sure if youโre European where eggs are treated differently and can be kept at room temp, but I know that wouldnโt fly most places in America. But itโs still brilliant.
Then again I worked for Whole Foods where we had about thirty different varieties of eggs so it wouldnโt work, and half the time when I sent a bagger to swap the eggs theyโd forget which ones to get.
We had a lot too. People didn't really care. I offered them an egg or wait for a genuine replacement. They never took the wait. Half a day in the aircon wouldn't hurt an egg. It sat under a chicken for a while and it wouldn't be cold in the car on the way home. Nobody is catching botulism from that egg. Aus doesn't have many eggs approved for raw consumption. They do exist but the sort of people who buy $9 eggs check for broken ones before getting to the register.
As a balloon twister, I have heard the joke from Wedding Crashers about "MAKE ME A BIKE" about a hundred million gazillion thousand bajillion fuglilion gbthinian times
tarhoop ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:15:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a SCUBA diver - I would never tell this to an experienced diver. But if you can do it in a Canadian East Coast accent (Newfie is ideal), and add a "fooking" or two, it really freshens it up for new listeners.
gwaydms ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:51:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Newfies are the best. I even made friends with some at the cafe in the N Seoul Tower. Love their accent, just really friendly people.
clemoh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:30:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually wanted to know why they fall backwards instead of diving in.
teh_maxh ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:06:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you roll forward, your mask and regulator get jammed into your face. A lot of divers actually prefer just walking off the side of the boat, but that option isn't always available.
The wikipedia link can do better than I could. But in short, there is something called a C*-algebra (pronounced "See-star"), which is a collection of "things" (often linear operators on a Hilbert space) where you can add them, multiply them together, multiply them by complex numbers, take their "complex conjugates" (actually their adjoint, but it's like complex conjugation), and take limits of things. They are useful in quantum mechanics, and presumably used extensively by mermaid physicists.
Mirkku7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This explains so much!
schmwke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:25:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids always know how much they weigh? They have their own set of scales
What did the ocean say to the mermaid? Nothing it just waived.
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck!
You know, for near humanoids, they have an oddly homogeneous gene pool. I think there's another Little Mermaid movie Disney never told us about... directed by Spielberg... in black and white... with a little red
siesmic ยท 567 points ยท Posted at 11:59:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket, โYou wanna see how far I can kick thisโ.
nahfoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been telling this joke all week and the number of people who didn't immediately get it was baffling
ellzo ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think it's a woosh when you stop and actually think about it. Then it's more of a thud and tick-tock until it clicks. A woosh is more of a "oh, cool" and moving on, you know? Not really wanting to find out. So you're in the clear!
LockRay ยท 706 points ยท Posted at 14:50:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a mouse trap if your tongue gets stuck in it?
My cousin tried to get me with that one once, so when I found it in the dictionary she handed me I acted all surprised, like "Oh my god, you're right! It's not in here!" The look she gave me when she checked and it was right there where it was supposed to be, whew, man I've been riding that wave for the last decade and a half.
When I was in middle school I got passed a note from the kid next to me that said โthere are footprints on the ceiling..... pass it onโ
Obviously looked up to see no footprints on the ceiling, immediately heard giggling. Half the class that had already got the note were staring at me intently waiting for me to fall for it. Which I did.
Passed it to the next kid, and watched as one by one the rest of the class looked up at the ceiling. It was so simple and so stupid but so funny, and it has seemed to escape the vortex of repressed memories I have from that time period. I giggle when I remember it
School I went to actually had 'gullible' written on a piece of tape on the ceiling. Was some sort of anti-joke I guess, it took forever to convince someone to look at it as they didn't want to be gullible... Then they'd look and tada... Wasn't a joke at all! I still don't understand why it's funny, but I find it funny anyway.
Kwikstyx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:37:32 on September 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kid in pre-cal shouted while pointing to a corner, 'juan, get off the cieling!' And the girl sitting next to him turned around to look up and whipped back around when she realized what happened! The look on her face went from scared, confused then embarrassed that she fell for it all within a second
Went to a bookstore on a first date once and pulled that joke, she frantically thumbed through a dictionary she found and was so proud of herself to prove me wrong... there was no second date
My older sister would always say someone wrote gullible on the ceiling when we go out to eat and stuff.
gsfgf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the longest time โgullableโ (note the common misspelling) redirected to a page not found on Wikipedia. So if you posted https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gullable it would in fact not show up on Wikipedia. Now it corrects your spelling, though.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:25:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try.
lemonzap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a classmate of mine with that back in middle school. She found it in the dictionary and tried to point it out to me to make sure I knew it actually was there.
kd7uiy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always it was in there twice...
metans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After you do this one, tell them "Nah, I was just joking. But did you know that gullible actually isn't in the dictionary?" They never think you'll do the same thing twice, so even if they don't fall for it the first time they might for the second.
Pools69 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 14:13:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
not sure what you're not getting. words have different intonations depending when it's said or whispered, cause of mouth shapes work. and gullible sounds like oranges when it's whispered.
My favorite is writing the word gullible under a table (beforehand) and proceed to tell people that it's written under the table.
When you tell then, they won't believe you, or their pride won't believe you, so you can bet them a couple bucks. Either way, they end up looking under the table.
"Say the word snowman really slowly and you'll hear the word stupid."
Cue me saying it in my head while the blonde girl next to me was saying it out loud. This was in PE class and some 13 y/o boys were messing with the blonde.
Thereโs a version of this joke where you say something like โDid you know gullible is written on the ceiling?โ. Well at a summer camp I went to as a little kid, some other camper got mad at this joke and literally wrote โgullibleโ on the ceiling on the cabin so he would never get duped again.
Tballs51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a shirt that says this. And whenever I wear it out, people slowly mouth out "gull-i-ble.. That doesn't sound like oranges!"
Liam0904 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My teacher said this to a really dumb classmate of mine and even after we tried to explain it she didnโt get it. She didnโt know what gullible meant.
KenPC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're the reason I have trust issues.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A coworker was talking to me about how she sometimes is really gullible and I responded with this. She then stopped talking while she sounded it out. After she realized what I did, she didn't talk to me much the rest of the day
Honestly, in French no one bothers writing "oeuf" with the first letters attached. As a matter of fact, I don't even know how to write it on my phone...
Haha ! Good on you for trying hard, one day you'll get it like you were born with it. A lot of things are inverted between French and English, but you're doing quite good, you're understandable, it's all that matters !
themrme1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were 3 cats. One was named onetwothree, another was unodostres, and the third was unduextrois. They were having a swimming race to see who could make it to the other side the fastest. Unodostres came in first, onetwothree came in second, but the last one never made it because the unduextrois quatre cinq.
gwaydms ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:56:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't speak French, just know enough to appreciate these
I've been learning French lately because I have new coworkers from France. When I learned "egg" I told my roommate about it and he created a version of this joke. Makes me really happy that others have found the humor in this phrase lol
oiwot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do Gurus liek their eggs in the morning?
.
.
.
OMMM-lette.
When I was a freshman in High School, I told that joke to my friend
and for no apparent reason we laughed so fucking hard the entire class and the next day got separated to the sides of the class room. Wasn't even that funny we just kept laughing
terranq ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:30:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same thing happened to my friend and I, same age. We were both comic book geeks, sitting at a lab bench together during class talking about superheroes, and start talking about combining heroes. One of us mentions Spider-Man/Ghost Rider and came up with Spider-Rider. For some reason, this was the funniest thing ever. We couldn't stop laughing. The teacher kicked us both out of class, and we weren't allowed to sit together after that.
This is the running joke between my GF and I. We'll be sitting there watching a movie and out of nowhere she'll ask about Murphy's law and we both start laughing but she insists on finishing it everytime. It's corny and lame but it reminds me why I love her every time.
n1i2e3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone explain this one.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:07:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cole's Law = Coleslaw, a dish made of thinly sliced lettuce.
n1i2e3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a description would suffice, keep reading. It is disgusting though. A group of men stand in a circle, place a biscuit in the middle, and use their bodily fluids to coat said biscuit. The last person to finish doing that which makes your palms hairy and sight perish, gets punished by eating the soggy biscuit. Quite the party game.
My grandfather told me this one as "Jesus called Lazarus forth, but he came fifth and lost the race," which, now that I think about it, doesn't make a lot of sense, in terms of race rules...maybe when he laughed, he laughed at what a dim grandchild he had.
People we have someone here who doesn't know who they are. If anyone travelling with them can come to the ticket desk and assist it would be greatly appreciated
Lucinnda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:50:33 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And please let us know if you didn't hear this announcement.
I have never found this one funny. I really donโt understand where the humor comes from that makes it so popular.
_Rowdy ยท 1513 points ยท Posted at 12:58:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife handed me two kayak paddles the other day and asked which one I wanted. I replied "either, oar"
_Rowdy ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 12:59:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My belt broke the other day, it was a real let down
_Rowdy ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 13:00:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friends tell me I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time.
_Rowdy ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 13:01:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In fairness to them, I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around
_Rowdy ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 13:02:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't the bike stand on its own? It's two tired
_Rowdy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 13:03:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence
_Rowdy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:06:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What do you call a walk with no legs? A sit
_Rowdy ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:07:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow that jumped over barbed wire? An udder disaster
_Rowdy ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:07:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field
_Rowdy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:08:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do call a man with no legs? Whatever you want, he can't chase you
_Rowdy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:08:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Same place you left him
_Rowdy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:10:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend handed me his epipen not long before he drew his last breath after an allergic reaction. Seemed important to him that I have it
_Rowdy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:11:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad was a great inspiration to me. Even while we were trying to figure out what blood type he was ss he was bleeding out, he insisted we "be positive"
AC_Logic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:47:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True story and one of my proudest moments... At the seaside one of my friends pointed out to sea and asked "is that a schooner or a yacht". I said "it's boat"
birdnerd ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:30:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Remind me not to tell a joke around you, mr technicality
Vrathal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:42:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, just as a reminder, don't tell a joke around /u/birdnerd.
dupelize ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:52 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just learned that an oar and a paddle can be basically the same thing if they have one blade. Then it depends how they are used. But in this situation we are talking about kayak paddles which have two blades, so they can't be oars.
1600ASA ยท 813 points ยท Posted at 13:26:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The ceremony was okay but the reception was great.
Agreed, they keep it light hearted for the most part, and they don't overdo the shit posts. Mental health and depression is a major theme in the show, so there's naturally a lot of discussion about those issues.
kwidem ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:50:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you don't get the reference. That's fine. It's from a great show called Bojack Horseman. It's a depressing comedy on Netflix which you should totally check out.
crastle ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:06:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm confused on how this is possible. I thought asexual meant that you didn't have attraction to any gender.
Sorry that this sounds insensitive. I'm not trying to say that you're wrong. I didn't know that asexuality was a thing until a few years ago and I'm genuinely curious to learn more about it. I thought I understood it pretty well, but your comment shows me that I still have a lot to learn.
Asexual would mean not interested in sex. Aromantic would mean not experiencing romantic feelings. Presumably the other poster is romantically interested in men but does not feel the desire to have sex with them
Itโs fine! (Iโm asexual too) Asexual just means you donโt have sexual attraction to anyoneโyou could have just a purely romantic relationship, so a โgay asexualโ would be someone who is only interested in romantic relationships with those of the same gender.
Vendeith ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:13:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So they would be considered homoromantic in that particular case?
You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.
Yeah, you're right. Looked it up and it just means that they don't feel sexual attraction. Doesn't mean they can't have it, doesn't mean they can't enjoy it, and they often still have it to be intimate with their partner. But I guess it'd realistically only be done for the sensation, connection, or societal/peer pressure.
Apparently most people who are asexual are aromantic as well and so they don't usually do it at all. Only saying this because I have a friend who told me she was aromantic and I did some research on it as a result.
plopterd ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:57:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but the difference with me is that I don't feel any sexual attraction. In fact, I don't experience any sort of arousal at all unless I am physically stimulated in some way.
No problem! I love when people are open to hearing about my sexuality. You don't know how many people have assumed that I'm lying or told me that I'm just trying to insert myself into the lgbt community. I'm not, this is just how I am.
I'm not going to lie, my gut reaction was more skeptical. But watching the gatekeeping, infighting and turf wars (TERF wars?) in the LGBT community is queasymaking at the best of times, and at the end of the day I've got no dog in the fight.
By my prior understanding, I wouldn't have considered what you've described as asexuality - but it'd be the height of arrogance to think my outside understanding is more valid than your inside understanding!
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:14:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's heavily implied that Todd is a human, in which case, he could not asexually reproduce. If he could, he would not be human, no matter how human-like he may seem.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
heavily implied
Where is that? Where is any feature about Todd other than his asexuality stated? You could just as easily be talking about my pet jellyfishes.
That's why I said implied and not stated. There's no indication that these friend are of another species, so we assume they're not. Yes, I very well could be talking about a non-human. But in what world is that the norm in this context?
Who ever said this guy who's friend is named Todd is normal? Maybe our dude who has a friend named Todd is one of the weird ones who walks around with a wooden Plank...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In what world is that the norm
Here, and in any world where we talk about asexuality as the norm, because it's significantly more likely for an asexually-reproducing animal to be asexually-reproducing than it is for a human to be asexual.
Asexual humans make up a fragment of humans, whereas nearly half of all animals reproduce asexually. If anything, it's implied we're talking about something non-human because of how overwhelmingly larger the base of asexually-reproducing animals are to asexually oriented humans.
The likeliness of a random person being asexually oriented has nothing to do with whether or not Todd is human. The fact that he has a name and is involved with a group of friends - one of which is able to type on a computer - does. Especially considering the context, which is discussing human sexual orientation while failing to mention bestiality.
I donโt remember the exact wording, but it said, โMy friends keep saying there is a gay guy in our group. I hope itโs Todd, cause he is fucking cute!โ
The dog's tail falling off is alluded to so casually in the jokeโas if it's something that routinely happens and has to be addressedโdespite it being an absolutely absurd premise, since dog tails don't fall off.
ravia ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 16:06:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do people spell laughing this way?
corptio ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:13:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's a kind of laughing where u are actually not really laughing
ravia ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:16:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't really understand that, nor how to pronounce it.
corptio ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:21:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pronounce? There isn't really a proper way to pronounce that kind of internet shit .. most important thing is conveying the message .. and its mostly written any way .. but if u really wanna know I think its repeatingly saying (hue) why sounding like a single Male duck having a cold, that hasnt mated for at least 2 seasons ;) cheers
ravia ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:22:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well that kinda turned me on.
corptio ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:23:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hahaha .. welllllllll, I didn't know u had a fetish for Male ducks lol...
ravia ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:25:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the Brazilian (all Portuguese?) version of hahaha, like jajaja is in Spanish. I'm not sure what made it popular, though. I mostly think of the image of the lizard laughing like that.
I first heard that that's how Brazilians write out laughter, but that could've been racist ilk against Brazilians
Beau87 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:48:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's true.
Source: gamed against Brazilians occasionally over the past 20 years and questions of "BR?" speaking Portuguese, and laughing in huehuehues was common. I also appreciate your willingness to acknowledge that your thought may stem from racism. Think of their huehuehues in a similar way to the way Russians say Da, the Dutch say Ja, and the Canadians say Ya. It's all Yes but the combination of language, accent, and linguistics form it differently when trying to recreate it in writing. Onomonapeas tend to vary wildly because of this.
That is making fun of Brasilians on online games. That's how they laugh. Brasilians ruined thousands of online StarCraft games in the 90s for everybody and nobody forgets. They're probably still ruining every FIFA game to this day. Not racist at all here, it's just that's an internet truth. Also yes, Brasilian is how actual Brasilians spell it.
I've thought this alot. It's weird how many stupid f'ed up thoughts you have and then you realize you're not alone.
Kiqjaq ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:48:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, absolutely. In fact, we have no clue whatsoever about any part of our minds feeling similar or different. Maybe your pain feels like my pleasure, but you hate pleasure as much as I hate pain for some reason. We'd never know.
Wittgenstein invites readers to imagine a community in which the individuals each have a box containing a "beetle". "No one can look into anyone else's box, and everyone says he knows what a beetle is only by looking at his beetle."
Eski57 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:34:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Says this joke.
Girl: Came out of the purple?
Me: Yeah, like it came out of the blue.
Girl: But aren't you color blind?
Me: It was the joke, I said purple cause I am color blind.
As the token colourblind of the group things โcome completely out of the purpleโ quite often when weโre together.. never the less this never fails to result in at least a giggle. It never gets old
No it's more like the colors are muted, not as vibrant as they really are. Or against each other. Like my brother is red-green color blind. He can't see the red flowers in a green bush but he can tell the difference when they aren't together. But again not as vibrant.
I know how it actually works but I'm saying would they know that purple is actually blue the the joke suggests
Euchre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Considering purple is actually the junction/mix of blue and red light, and most colorblindness involves either red or blue, someone colorblind isn't likely to see purple at all...
Reminds me of a story about Twister I saw on Reddit. They were playing the game, and a color-blind guy was in charge. They kept playing, and in the middle of the game the guy goes "I mean, I hope I'm calling these right..."
This reminds me of an old movie with this lady who was accused of murder but even though she didn't do it her agent/lawyer was like "welll..... u wanna be famous yea? Well then take the rap, but we'll spin it....." and when she's recounting her story to reporters, she says something like, "And then everything went... purple." And everyone's all like "oh purple. Of course! Purple. So interesting and a fresh take. Purple!" Or whatever
I think โpurpleโ has too many syllables. The key to the joke is a quick release with a pause before getting the joke. The better joke format is:
My eye doctor told me I was color blind, boy that came out of the green.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:30:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
js30a ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:12:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, they're drupes. So are walnuts, almonds, pistachios, and coconuts. Peanuts, Manila nuts, monkey nuts, Brazil nuts, and horse chestnuts are legumes though.
2FnFast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedstrangerthingsongamegrumps
C-Star ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 17:16:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a real life story about this. Earlier this year I was at a reception for a baptism and there was an open bar with juice,tea, coffee and soda. I went up and ordered a diet coke and a Sprite. Dude mixed both in one glass. I was so dumbfounded I didn't even say anything. It was real hard explaining to my brother why I didn't get him a drink.
That reminds me of the old classic joke in the film Ninotchka, where our man is trying to get Greta Garbo to laugh, so he tells her this joke:
There's a man and in a cafe, and he asks: "Waiter, can I have a coffee without milk please". They waiter says "Sure", but returns a minute later and says: "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of milk, can it be without cream instead?"
Reminds me of this rant discussion on/r/bartenders about people ordering a "Jack and Coke with makers" or something. Obviously they mean "whisky and coke with makers" but it actually implies mixing jack and makers and Coke
A bear and a horse are in a bar, and the bear asks the horse how his day was. Horse says his wife left him, he's not feeling great, etc.
Horse asks the bear how he is doing. The bear says "Well.............pretty good." The horse asks, "Why the long pause?"
Yeah you can incorporate the two but I was more going for the bait and switch, more people have heard the long face and think you're going there, and the paws gets them by surprise.
I just noticed the pun of this joke... I always thought it was just cause the bear wanted the two drinks seperate (When I was a Kid, it was Cheese....................and Onion crisps)
A man goes up to a widow at her husbandโs funeral service and asks โMay I say a word?โ. โOf course.โ she replied. The man gets up and says โPlethoraโ. โThanksโ she said โthat means a lot.โ.
Kootsiak ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 17:43:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one got a genuine LOL out of me.
scriffly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:04:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes up to a widow at her husbandโs funeral service and asks โMay I say a word?โ. โOf course.โ she replied. The man gets up and says โLifeโ. โThanksโ she said โHe would've wanted thatโ.
Bolicob ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:06:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs the best way to do this joke imo. When everyone is sharing their jokes, you just ask the set up and then move the conversation on to something else. Later is when you just randomly shout โTIMING!โ
Sure, theyโll most likely forget the setup, and youโll look crazy, but damn if it ainโt worth it.
Powerism ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 15:33:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy jokes.
Smooch23 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 17:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have this set of jokes that are told together that are kind of like that.
1st Joke: There are four construction workers on their lunch break just messing around when one of them goes, โwhich one of those bricks do you think would go the highest if thrown?โ. The first construction worker walk up and says, โI bet these red bricks would go the highest.โ And walks up, grabs one of the red bricks and whips it into the air. It goes about 20 feet in the air and falls back down. The second construction worker goes, โI bet those black bricks go the highestโ walks up, grabs a black brick and whips it in the air. It goes about 30 feet and then fall back down. The third construction worker says, โyouโre both wrong, the grey bricks definitely go the highestโ and walks up, grabs a grey brick and whips it into the air. It goes about 50 feet in the air and then falls back down. Then finally the fourth construction worker confidently without saying anything, walks up to the pile of yellow bricks, grabs one, and whips it into the air... and it just kept going.
Now obviously that makes no sense. Generally here I brush it off and say โNever mind, itโs not funny if I have to explain itโ and wait your desired amount of time to tell the second joke. I find that a full 24 hours is the sweet spot and a week is too long.
2nd Joke: Thereโs a flight from LA to NYC. On this flight is a woman and her pet parrot. About 20 minutes into this flight, four rows in front of the woman, a large man lights up a cigar. Once the cigar smoke reaches the parrot, it starts to freak out. So the woman presses the call button and a flight attendant comes over. โThat man has lit a cigar and the smoke is really bothering my parrot, can you please ask him to put it out?โ. The flight attendant obliged and walks up to the man and says, โSir, you canโt smoke on this flight and itโs bothering the other passengers! Iโm going to have to ask you to put it outโ. The man just laughs, takes a big pull of his cigar and blows smoke into the attendants face. The attendant, now being very upset, rips the cigar from the guys mouth, walks over to the side door of the plane, opens it and throws the cigar out of the plane. At this moment the parrot got really excited and takes off out the door after the cigar and then just gone. The woman is sobbing and being consoled by other passengers, the man is laughing, and the attendant is apologizing. The plane calms down and about an hour later the woman get super excited and looks out her window to see her parrot flying along with the plane, and guess what it had in its mouth? (Your audience at this point will guess, โoh fuck the cigar?!) No... The yellow brick.
Smobaite ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:52:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could do that, but when I read it my mind immediately just said it all at once and I thought it was hilarious. Just add timing as if it were the last word of the sentence with no pause
I had to get some teeth removed a little while ago, and they put me under general anesthetic. I remembered this joke just as I felt my eyes drooping, and managed to say "What's the key to a good joke?"
When I woke up the first thing I said was "Timing." and nobody remembered...
dramboxf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did that at a BBQ about ten years ago and it broke the place up. My wife laughed for almost half an hour, and she was the first one to get it. We were sitting around a table in the backyard, like 9 or 10 people, and I told the setup, and then got up to take an "emergency work call" on my cell, so by the time I got back, they had moved on to other jokes.
About 20 minutes later, there was a lull in the conversation, and I looked directly at my wife and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Timing..."
She frowned and then it dawned on her and she frigging lost it. Then the next person got it, and it spread...it was like a joke grenade. Pulled the pin, tossed it and waited for it to go off.
SAGNUTZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Save it for the end of your set to bring all back around.
Spaffin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, sucks when it doesnโt work but the few times it does makes it all worth it.
Nah. You set up the joke "what's the secret to comedy?", take a sip from your drink, light a cigarette, wait until someone starts to talk, shush them loudly, take another sip, finish your cigarette and your drink, go get another drink, sit down, look at everyone for a second, and say "Oh. It's defying expectations."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, my dad would take my sister and I hiking all time. We were talking about how far it would take to fall the length of the mountain.
He said, "It would probably sound like, 'Ahhh! [He pauses for a moment] ... Splat!"
I replied with, "No it would probably sound more like, 'Ahhh!'"
... And I just never said the splat part. We moved on to talking about other stuff. About an hour later we're getting back to the car when I said "SPLAT!" And he got a pretty good kick out of it. Now we check in with each other periodically by just texting "splat"
wesjb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What I do is wait like a few minutes before I say timing, and then weeks later, โAnd patience.โ
Me and a friend were fans of the joke from Borat where he doesn't know the right amount of time for a "Not!" joke. The apex was when we did a not joke with a 2-year gap between setup and punchline.
Just text someone you've known for a long while the word,"...timing!".
When they reply to find out what you mean, " That was the punchline to the joke I told you in 2008.
"What joke?"
....
smala017 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to tell it by saying "what's the most important part of a joke?" and then stare at the person until they start to say something and then immediately say "TIMING".
I remember trying to tell this one to my uncle. I set it up correctly, but I panicked trying to get the timing right and shouted "MAUW" (rhyming with "cow") in his face.
We are basically the same person.
And I stuttered so much in my panic that theyโd finished their line so I didnโt even end up interrupting them.
Oh the shame.
Or you can do 'interrupting starfish', spread the fingers of one hand as far as you can and start moving your hand towards their face. Best done in knock knock joke form, so you have more time to move smoothly.
oiwot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes "oooo"
.
.
.
A cow with No Lips.
debtitor ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:51:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex stepfather, Irishman, and master storyteller told this story in a similar fashion.
As soon as the other person starts to say something blurt out โtie-mingโ. It uses incorrect timing two different ways. One, by interrupting them, and two by putting the em-phasis, on the wrong sy-lable.
B3ennie ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:23:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's saying the word 'timing' directly after the question his audience was supposed to answer, leaving no time for the audience to actually answer the question. Therefore indicating that he himself does not have timing, which is the most important part of a joke, as indicated by the joke-maker himself.
Sounds better when spoken. The timing between a joke question and its answer is fundamental to make it sound fun, and this one doesn't have timing at all
So, instead of saying:
"What is the most important part of a joke? [pause] Timing."
Itโs the sort of joke that doesnโt translate well to text. Youโre supposed to say it as one sentence, the poor timing of โtimingโ before they can think about it being the punchline.
Because people keep shoving them into refrigerators.
suid ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 16:11:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But that one needs to be introduced with another one; you need to throw in something like "what's worse than an elephant with a cold? A giraffe with a sore throat". And then you follow it up with "Why do elephants always have colds?", and that punches it up..
phlux ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 16:59:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And this concludes "Architecting Jokes for Kids 101" Thanks for coming.
suid ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:00:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, we speak with authority and years of experience dadding..
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:56:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a version of this joke thatโs local to where I live in the UK, which goes like this:
How do you get two elephants in a mini? One in the back, one in the front.
How do you get two hippos in a mini? You canโt. Thereโs already two elephants in there.
How do you get to Wales in a mini? Over the Severn Bridge!
The Severn bridge gets you into Wales from England. When you say it aloud, two whales and to Wales sound the same (obvs). Makes children of about 10 laugh every time.
I got a two part joke from a friend. I think he tells it to everyone he knows.
There was once a man who had a green sheep. Word spread and soon people started comig to him to see it. He got rich. One day the sheep disappeared. His oldest son asked him "Father, give me the ferrari and half of your money and I'll brig the sheep back" and the man did it. After a few years he comes back, without any money and without the car, and without the sheep. His father is glad he is back and doesn't get mad. His middle son asks to go next. He asks for the audi and half of the money. Again, after a few years he comes back, no money, no car, no sheep. His dad says it's ok and accepts him back in. It's the youngest son's turn. He asks for the bycicle and a few money for food. After a month he comes back, he gambled the money, lost them and the bike was stolen. His father says "Ok."
Take your time telling this, waste time on pauses and build up on the story.
People will hate you for wasting 10 minutes telling a shitty joke. After a while you tell them you want to make up fof earlier with a better joke.
There was once a group of students in a train. At some point a woman's dog jumps out the window. She pulls the emergency break and the train stops. The students, eager to help, start looking for the dog. When one of them looks behind a bush, what do you think they found?
Dog / i don't know.
The green sheep.
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is what they used to call a shaggy dog story. The original involved a shaggy dog, but it's any long involved joke with a twist.
Well, not just the Welsh. Thereโs three counties in England who know where the Severn bridge goes. And pretty much anyone in South Wales will know since itโs how you get anywhere outside of Wales.
Like a Mini Cooper, the car? I now doubt that they exist outside of the UK
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's quite a lot in the States. Once on a road trip somewhere out West we saw several Minis going by in the opposite lane. And more. And still more. Ended up being about 60.
Iโm American and I didnโt understand this until you explained it so it probably wouldnโt work on American 10-yr-olds but if theyโre from Wales or England then it could work
Theres a jewish version too we tell in israel.
How do you put 4 elephants and 6 million Jews in a car? 2 elephants in the front, 2 in the back and 6 million Jews in the ashtray.
What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?
Swim for your life.
justclay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's gray and comes by the pint?
An elephant.
Naturage ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:23:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I knew:
You are in a plane, you have 500 bricks with you. You throw one out. How many left in the plane? (499)
How do you put two elephants in a fridge? (open the fridge, put them in, close the fridge)
How do you put two giraffes in a fridge? (open the fridge, take elephants out, put giraffes in, close the fridge)
Lion is having a birthday party. All the beasts of the jungle came to congratulate, except for two. Who? (Giraffes, they are still stuck in the fridge)
A grandma wants to cross a swap full of deadly crocodiles. How can she do it? (wait for lion's party, crocodiles will be there)
She tried crossing, but still died. How? (a brick from the plane fell on her).
We had similar elephant jokes at my school. We also had โHow do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?โ โYou take the S out of Safe and the F out of wayโ
(Safeway is a common grocery store where Iโm from)
What would Tarzan say when he sees elephants coming ? .... "The elephants are coming!"
Why do the elephants have pink glasses on ?, Because they don't want to be recognized.
What does Tarzan say when he sees them coming with pink glasses on ?
Nothing because he doesn't recognize them.
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm really bummed because no one is telling the best version of this joke!
If a plane is carrying 500 bricks and one falls out, how many are left? 499.
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator? Open the door, put it in, close the door?
How do you get an giraffe into a refrigerator? Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, close the door.
The zoo is throwing a party for Simba and all the animals show up except for one; which one? The giraffe, it's stuck in the fridge.
The zookeeper wants to go as well, but normal cannot make it because of the dangerous water they have to cross. Why could they make it this time? All the crocs were at the party already.
Despite that, the zookeeper still didn't make it. Why? They got hit in the head by a brick.
It's supposed to make you think there are already hippos hiding in the trees because hippos are so big that you'd obviously see them if they weren't good at hiding. So because we don't see hippos in the trees, they're very good at hiding. The joke is that they're obviously not there.
tiempo90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:37 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. K thanks :D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:10:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You don't see hippos in trees because they are really good at hiding in trees.
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "In that case it's only 5 minutes down the road."
Yarp3000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
phlux ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:37:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My only problem with Jimmy Carr, is (ironically) his laugh. When he laughs, it makes me cringe and I cant listen to his standup because he has that laugh which he laughs at his own jokes and its nails on the chalkboard for me...
I like the second one mostly out of nostalgia. Rewatching it now a lot of it makes very little sense lol. Imhotep wasted huge amounts of time just trying to scare people
Mr. Burns, Prince Imhotep thanks you for your hospitality. And for your eyes, and for your tongue. But I'm afraid more is needed. The prince must finish the job... and consummate the curse, which you and your friends have brought down upon yourselves.
Vrathal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:44:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this is a The Mummy reference, but I definitely read this in a Smithers voice.
Holy shit dude. I remember seeing parts of this movie on late night tv back in the late 90's as a kid. I had started thinking they were just weird fucking dreams.
Reminds me of the demetri Martin bit. "A person waved at me from across the street. He walked up to me and said "sorry, I thought you were someone else" I said "I am"
rahkris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy was trying to hang a picture in the corridor wall by hammering on the wrong side of the nail. Another guy upon seeing this says.. "you bonehead, its meant for the other side of the wall".
A man who runs in front of a car will get tired. A man who runs behind a car gets exhausted. And a man who walks through the turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
To add to that: What happens to a jogger when he runs behind a car? He gets exhausted. What happens to a jogger when her runs in front of a car? He gets tired.
I had a girl in high school tell me this joke at least ten times. So now I've told it to my wife a hundred times. It works best if you say it right after you wake up. It delays the groan a little bit.
Ah Godwin's law strikes again! Also related: I have a friend named Kyle and sometimes when looking for him in a group, we'll shout out "Seen Kyle? He's about this tall" and put out a hand in a mock nazi salute. Play on words to 'Sieg Heil"
My dad has told me this joke over one hundred times, but I can never be annoyed with him about it because he always looks so proud of himself whenever he says it.
My mom used to love telling this joke when I was a little kid. I was also a very literal child, and it took me years to figure out that he didn't actually have room in his sleevies for goddamn armies
Fireneji ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:18:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this to me? Iโm dumb.
sleevy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:15:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, the joke sounds like it's talking about armies and you would expect those to be kept in like barracks or something, but the joke is it's just the word arms said in a funny way. Since arms go into sleeves in a shirt, the joke proceeds to say sleeves in an equally silly way.
Source: am expert on this joke
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:17:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I understand now. Thank you very much, sleevy.
Also username checks out. You waited 7 years for this.
This reminded me of any time a military person would come in during the โGreat American Teach Inโ and there would always be that one kid who asks the guy (or gal) if they had ever killed someone. The whole class would groan and then the person would go on their spiel about how you never ask someone that. Good times!
Edit: is the โGreat American Teach Inโ something done all over the U.S.?
jenninzj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhy does a general need Armies?โ
โTo move his handies.โ
ksanthra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: Where are the Andes?
Kid: At the end of the armies.
I hired a Czech housekeeper, and when I left home the other morning she had just started vacuuming the lounge. When I got home she was just finishing that same job.
You got it now: Slow + โvacโ (which is short for vacuum)
KJ6BWB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get it until this. Slovak is pronounced slow+vahk, whereas vacuum is pronounced ... uhm I'm stymied for the first time but it's a lot more nasal.
[deleted] ยท -24 points ยท Posted at 16:27:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
is_it_on ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 16:47:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs not really your fault for not getting it. The โvakโ is not typically pronounced the same way the โvacโ in vacuum is pronounced in English, so itโs easy to miss this one.
RandomDS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:32:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It barely works in English, because the second vowel in Slovak is not the same as in "vac". But English vowels are quite different in different dialects so who knows.
I'm American, I also say the vak in Slovak like the vac in vacuum.
blong36 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:31:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
American from the Midwest and I pronounce Slovak with a short "o", and the "a" is pronounced more like a short "i". However, for Slovakia, the "o" is pronounced more like a short "u", and the first "a" is more like a short "o".
I got the joke right away, but if I were to hear it with my normal pronunciation, it wouldn't really work.
Edit: I just realized that I've been pronouncing Slovak wrong my entire life. The o is always long. The a is where it varies.
Need to explain a joke? Have you tried to look it up on Seznam?? #facepalm
TheSwain ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:39:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vahhh-cuum cleaner. Donโt worry, no one pronounces vacuum with a soft a like that. And no one pronounces Slovak with a hard a. Itโs not your fault.
Slavic, as in a Slav, is pronounced like that. Slovak, as in someone from Slovakia, is "slow-vac", which is what they said.
EDIT: I guess I should clarify that Slovak is often pronounced 'slow-vawk' too, so depending on your dialect, it still might not work. Any Slovaks wanna weigh in on which you consider correct?
zyqkvx ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:20:41 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
slow-vawk
I was wrong I think. I looked up the pronunciation in the dictionary and it sounds like 'slow-vawk' like you said here.
clemoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:42:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two athletes are in the infield during track and field at the Olympics. One says to the other, 'Are you a Pole Vaulter?' The other guy looks at him incredulous and says, 'Yes I'm a Pole, but how did your know my name vas Valter?'
I'm a stage tech. I hear this one way too often. Along with "know why audio guys check their mics without going past the number 2? Because you lift on 3."
I told this to my dad's fiancee, who's Czech. She loved it.
behv ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:54:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My personal take on this I use during soundchecks since I am a technician is โI have a friend from Turkey. I have a Czech one, tooโ
hobolow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:30:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hikers, one Polish and one Czech, were out in the woods when they got eaten by bears. Investigators shot and killed two bears and opened up the female, finding the Polish hiker. "Don't worry," one investigator said, "the Czech's in the male."
I'm sure we're not the only ones, but my friends and I call the Presidents and Assholes card game Panda... called it P and A for a little bit before it naturally just turned into Panda
maully ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:01:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend told me I listened to the Monkees too much. At first I didnโt believe her.
But then I saw her face.
cmd_iii ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 14:15:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend who was so annoying, constantly quoting song lyrics. I asked them to stop, but they wouldn't. Finally, I gave up on them. Now, they're just somebody that I used to know.
The song Wonderwall. It was a popular song from the mid 90's.
It first started gaining cliche type hatred in guitar shops. Everyone coming in would play fucking Wonderwall. This happened to the point that some Guitar shops would literally post signs forbidding the song as it drove everyone crazy hearing it all day long.
Eventually it extended to campfire and party situations where some random guy brings a guitar (usually without asking) and people ask him if he can play or other unrelated questions but instead he just plays Wonderwall ("anyway here's Wonderwall"). Typically associated with that one guy at the party trying way too hard to get laid (which is why he brought the guitar no one asked for that he barely knows how to play in the first place).
After a few years it converted from cliche/hatred to meme/trolling territory and that's where it sits today. People playing Wonderwall ironically and other people enjoying it ironically.
That's the weird part, its meme status has come full circle. I was recently with a group of work colleagues who didn't know I could play guitar, and I picked one up and said "Anyways, here's Wonderwall", started playing it and everyone joined in, I was only gonna play the first few bars like for the laughs but ended up having to play the whole fucking thing.
Tbf, I was in Manchester so that may have skewed results somewhat.
Wonderwall was very popular back in the day, and a lot of people loved to sing along. And at the chorus there is a very prominent drawn out Maybeeeeee. It quickly reached the point where just singing 'maybeee' is enough to get people to think of the song.
I was actually seeing a latin guy who had lived in the US for a long time as a teen/young adult, he told me about a guy in his school who was 10 times more latin than he could ever be. Both were called Juan. Iโll never forget the rant that ended with โI got totally out-Juaned! He was number Juan!โ
ajgrinds ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:11:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The President watches the news. "Three Brazillian soldiers have been killed today..." His jaw drops. His face turns white, and he feels faint. He turns to his concerned guard.
"How many's a Brazillian?"
[deleted] ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 14:18:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Nugkill ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, 'Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?'โ
"he straightened up and said to them, 'Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.'"
"At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there."
And then a second woman walked up and stoned the adulterous woman to death.
โaverage person eats 3 spiders a year" factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier and should not have been countedโ
Hynjia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
Still no f%#โฌing Eye deer.
Jopkins ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 15:15:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was eight, someone told the first two parts of that joke, and a teaching assistant said "I know a third part to that but it's too rude to tell." She wouldn't tell no matter how much I asked. Its plagued my mind ever since. Now I know.
dog is hanging from the skydiver via leash and harness. pulls chute and cruises down to land, the dog lands first and starts running to keep up with the skydiver, blind person feels the the leash go slack and knows that theyre close to the ground.
is the other interpretation that the blind person feels the slack from the dog hitting the ground? cause that would be like .00001 seconds to actually feel it and doesnt make sense.
or was the other interpretation that the dog is being hanged the whole time and when they die the leash goes slack? because they'd still be dead weight on the leash... literally.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:53:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the second one. Also a person skydiving with a guide dog doesnโt make sense but itโs a joke
yeah im just super tired and just didnt get the joke at all, so I started trying to understand it and imagined a situation where a blind person could actually skydive with a guide dog. Heres my idea:
You know the altitude you're jumping at, and you have your watch timer set to beep after x seconds of freefall. Dog is suspended below you from a belt like harness with 2 straps to keep it facing forward. Dog is trained to know where to land. 1 bark is turn left, 2 barks is turn right. continue guiding blind skydiver until they're at the landing area... commence situations shittily explained above.
boCash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was waiting to cross a street when a blind guy and his dog walked up. I watched the dog pee on the man's leg, then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a dog snack.
I had to ask, "excuse me, but did you know your dog just peed on you?" He nodded. "And you're going to give him a treat now?" He answered "..yup."
"I'm sorry but... why give him a treat for that?" I asked.
"I want to know where his head is so I can kick the little fucker in the ass!"
Rastryth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:08:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a talk once from a blind guy who had hitch hiked around australia and been a judo champion truly inspiring guy. Anyway he did a bit about how usefull his guide dog was in northern australia. As he would get the dog to sleep between him and the water in case there was a crocodile in the area.
I used to work with a blind guy who kept a stuffed dog at his desk, and would occupationally stand up and do this. Legitimately laughed out loud every time. Dan was the funniest co-worker ever.
One day he was waiting for his ride and he was joking around with me about how he didn't make enough to afford a car. Right then Chuck, the HR manager, came out, so I said "Chuck, Dan needs a raise so he can buy a car." Chuck looks at us, sees Dan's shit eating grin, and says, "OK, Boris, but you have to teach him how to drive." I turn to Dan and say "passenger side air bags?" and he says "of course" so I say "we literally don't see a problem here, Chuck" which set Dan off laughing.
Dan told me later that Chuck came to him and told him that this made him curious about when Dan's last raise was, and found it that his last two raises were shorted by a few cents an hour, so they cut a check for the difference and have him another 75 cents an hour for his above average performance. Dan asked me if I thought he should get a car or a motorcycle with a side car with the bonus.
xproofx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one always gets me. I've heard it a thousand times and I never not laugh. And not just the forcibly exhale through my nose kind of laugh. A straight up guffaw can be heard.
โComrade Stalin, to what did you say โyesโ to Churchill?โ
โHe asked me whether I heard him well.โ
In 1942, Zhukov exits Stalinโs cabinet after a meeting, muttering to himself:
โDamn this asshat with mouthstache!โ
Poskrebyshev immediately reports this to Stalin. Stalin sends for Zhukov, and asks him:
โComrade Zhukov, who were you talking about?โ
โHitler, of course, comrade Stalin.โ
Stalin turns to Poskrebyshev:
โAnd who were you thinking about, comrade Poskrebyshev?โ
Stalin lost his smoking pipe. Beria immediately gets on the investigation and by the evening a hundred people were arrested. By the morning the pipe was found by a janitor. Stalin calls Beria on the phone:
โComrade Beria, my pipe was found!โ
โBut comrade Stalin, all the arrested except for one have admitted to stealing your pipe!โ
โExcept for one, huh? Continue your investigation then!โ
30โs, a meeting discussing bread hauls. One secretary decided to joke about how his region just canโt give more bread:
โAnd so, as French people say, even the most beautiful woman canโt give more than she got, comrade Stalin!โ
Stalin corrects him:
โBut she can give it twice, comrade.โ
So, before the war Rokossovsky was arrested, but he was released in the autumn of 1941, and given a division to lead. The division fought very well, so Stalin decided to give Rokossovsky a bigger assignment, and Rokossovsky was pulled from the frontlines:
โComrade Rokossovsky, do you know the German military doctrine?โ
โNo, I donโt, comrade Stalin.โ
โDo you know their military structure, their weaponry?โ
โNo, I donโt, comrade Stalin, I was sitting in jail at the time.โ
โRecent times arenโt good for sitting, comrade Rokossovsky.โ
Stalin makes a call to Tupolev:
โWe are going to resume the production of your bomber plane.โ
โBut comrade Stalin, it didnโt needed to be canceled in the first place!โ
โWhat a malicious memory you have! You had only yourself to blame for this!โ
โBut it was on your order! What I could do?โ
โYou couldโve lodged a complaint against me in the Central Committee!โ
Thereโs also some about general reality of the times, if youโre interested.
Yes, because you can only support communism if you go completely cashless. Need to pay for school? Sorry, can't be a communist. Gotta go to the hospital? You definitely ain't no commie.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:42:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not only that most of the development for the technology on smartphones where state ran and some of it developed within the USSR.
Also, so what? There is no ethical consumption under capitalism and we are all forced to participate. Even if you were to live in a commune, there is no legal way to not participate in capitalism in a capitalist society.
No one is forcing you to do anything, so if you feel true communism isn't not an option given your life and location, then there's a myriad of options to actually engage in such an experience. It's just incredibly inconvenient and nowhere near as romantic as mentally masturbating about it on the internet using a phone that was made in a communist country that exploits slave labor, eh comrade?
How can you have a communist country, when a communist society would be a cashless, classless, stateless society?
Also, no, you can't have communism in a capitalist state. You are forced to participate in capitalism on some level. Even if you were to abandon modern amenities, you still have to own land and purchase supplies on some level.
But you by your own admission said it boils down to no cash, no class, no state... which is an incredibly naive and unrealistic for human society to thrive. Case in point, the intellectual equivalent to your entire argument
I said that if a society doesn't meet those standards, it can't be communist. There are other philosophies of communism in which there is a state, but ultimately if there is a society with classes and where workers don't own means of production, it can not be communist. Nor can it be socialist.
There are as many flavors of communism and socialism as there are communists and socialists.
It's like saying Christianity is the belief that Jesus, the son of God, is the messiah. Yes, in order to be Christian, that is what you would have to believe. However, that's not all there is to Christianity.
Yeah, but the linch pin of your entire argument was that if those 3 qualities you listed weren't present in a society, it wasn't True Communismโข (i.e. No True Scotsman Defense), citing that existing communist states are just pretending. The whole comment thread this was born from was citing that Communism was a joke, even made more hilarious by that even you yourself can cite no real world examples of it existing, let alone achieving some sort of success. Your Christian analogy does have a strong connection to your interpretation of True Communismโข in the sense that to believe requires no real fact or logic, just a humongous dose of faith.
Well, communism is an economic philosophy. It's not like somebody said Karl Marx went around healing lepers and shit.
My Christian analogy is just to demonstrate that words have meaning. You can't label all of these countries communist when they're clearly not communist. They aren't even socialist. If the workers don't own the means of production, the society can't be socialist by definition. And if it's not socialist by definition, it certainly cannot be communist.
No true Scotsman doesn't work as a fallacy if you're trying to work against the definition of a word. It's not a valid argument that you're making right now. You can't be a Christian and not believe in Christ. And saying that isn't a fallacy.
No one thought democracy could exist until it did. No one thought a republic could exist until it did. No one thought capitalism could exist until it did.
I'm not the violent type, so I'm not going to lead a bloody revolution. That doesn't mean I'm doing nothing. Raising awareness and combating propaganda is important. Lifting up my community is important.
Yes. Yes I do. It wouldn't surprise me your real world involvement to your cause is probably just as non-existent as it's real world application. Shopping at the co-op and buying vintage clothes isn't necessarily sticking it to the man.
No, I think touting make-believe as fact is pointless. I could sit and cry-bitch about how magical flying unicorns could solve all of our oil/transportation issues, but at the end of the day, they have just as much in "real" world application as "real" communism, Zero. I donate capital to a church and a charity on a monthly basis that I feel have some pretty noble initiatives.
Saying socialism won't work isn't an actual argument. You haven't given me anything to debate against. You actually have to say something with substance for that to happen.
Stating facts that have no basis in your original complaint. Capitalism is a joke, remember that? All you had to back that up was excuses and make-believe. Venezuela, Cuba, Soviet Russia, and China are all perfect examples of failed ideology. While you'll trip over yourself to wet your nappy over how unauthentic they may be compared to your masturbatory fantasy, they were sad pitiful attempts to work within the confines that society allowed and failed miserably. I don't need to state my case, you're failure to do so is more efficient than anything I could shoot back with.
I believe there are communistic enclaves in the United States. (Is an Amish community and example??) My sister lived in one but still had to participate somewhat in the capitalist culture outside.
This could be a civil conversation and I would kind of like that.
I think it is hard to find a pure form of either to discuss. Communist countries have to work with capitalist countries in a capitalist mode to survive, no?
Communist Enclaves is essentially larping for hipsters. What always gets conveniently overlooked is how all Communist countries usually have an incredibly miserable standard of living, not to mention that it's never actually ever worked every time it was attempted.
That's pretty funny. All the people that starve under capitalism, all the people that can't afford healthcare under capitalism, all those that suffered under banana republics, everyone whose homeland was raped for resources to be sold overseas...
Yeah, because communist countries never starved anybody (try telling that to the Ukrainians) or used puppet states. Venezuela, the USER, China, North Korea, Cuba, etc are just paradise where nobody starves and nobody's oppressed or anything like that.
Lol, if that's your standard, i'm surprised you're not mad rainbows don't actually have pots of gold at the end of them.
A stateless, classless, stateless society is impossible, it goes against human nature and the nature of power. Communism will always either devolve into the examples we've seen before or be taken over by an outside force. Just because it's not "muh true communism" doesn't change this fact.
My standards being the definition of communism? If you think communism goes against human nature, I think you have a very cynical view of the world. There were many societies before imperialism that were communist. We all started out in a communist society. The earliest humans formed communist societies.
What's next? Are you going to tell me about lobster hierarchies? Is that you Jordan?
The funny thing is, I'm not even a communist. I'm a libertarian socialist.
Listen, even in different forms of communism where they don't emphasize a cashless, classless, stateless society, the workers still need to own the means of production. The workers don't own the means of production, it's not socialist, it's not communist. Have you seen any country where workers own the means of production?
Socialism is just the natural progression of the economy. It's inevitable. Before capitalism, there was feudalism. After capitalism, there will be socialism.
libertarianism: "an extreme laissez-faire political philosophy advocating only minimal state intervention in the lives of citizens."
socialism: "a political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole."
How can you be extremely laissez-faire and also think that the community should own and/or regulate the economy?
Minimal state intervention. The first libertarians were socialists. Libertarianism was coined in a socialist publication.
Most socialists want either a very limited governments or no government at all. Not many socialists are authoritarian.
In libertarian socialism, businesses would be regulated by workers councils, municipalities would be governed through direct democracy. There would be no large centralized state. Seems pretty libertarian to me.
How would you get a business to be regulated by folks who did not start the business? Presumably you'd have to wrest control from the owners, and that sounds violent/anti-libertarian.
It seems to suffer the same problem as Communism: there is no grassroots path to it. It has to be imposed on society, largely through force.
Some people support revolution, other support taking power incrementally. How is it anti-libertarian? Libertarianism is about little-to-no government. If the workers want to seize the means of production, then that's the people, not the government.
We already have co-ops and unions. It's not like this idea is entirely foreign. Co-ops are becoming more and more popular. Unions have been suffering lately due to right wing propaganda, but I know a lot of pro-union young people.
Every example of communism we've seen being implemented has shown us otherwise. I don't care what the dictionary thinks communism is, we've seen what communism is.
If you think communism goes against human nature, I think you have a very cynical view of the world. There were many societies before imperialism that were communist. We all started out in a communist society. The earliest humans formed communist societies.
And we all died at 25, if we were lucky. We all starved en masse or died in childbirth or from all the deadly, deadly nature. Not only that, but those societies were absolutely not communist. Humans were tribal, they had people who led the tribe, they had people who hunted better than others and they had the distinction between hunters and gatherers. There were classes and hierarchy, it's not communism by your definition.
What's next? Are you going to tell me about lobster hierarchies? Is that you Jordan?
Lol I don't know what you're talking about with lobsters, but if you don't think hierarchies are human nature, you don't know history.
The funny thing is, I'm not even a communist. I'm a libertarian socialist.
First off, there's no such thing as a libertarian socialist, it's one or the other. I'm not a libertarian, but libertarianism is an individualist doctrine and therefore at odds with socialism by definition.
Second, the point of socialism is to lead to communism. Even Marx said that with his view of the flow of history. Capitalism leads to socialism leads to communism.
Listen, even in different forms of communism where they don't emphasize a cashless, classless, stateless society, the workers still need to own the means of production. The workers don't own the means of production, it's not socialist, it's not communist. Have you seen any country where workers own the means of production?
I can't think of one of the top of my head, but that's not necessarily true. You're only including decentralized socialism in your definition of socialism, whereas every model we've seen implemented is centralized socialism, wherein the means of production is owned by the whole of the people through the state (because, again, there are non-anarchist strains of communism/socialism, such as Maoism, Marxism-Leninism, Stalinism, the Fabians, etc). The workers don't have to own the means of production directly to be socialism, it just can't be privately owned or controlled by the bourgeoisie.
Socialism is just the natural progression of the economy. It's inevitable. Before capitalism, there was feudalism. After capitalism, there will be socialism.
Didn't you just say you weren't a communist? Because Marx made it clear that it's not supposed to stop at socialism, you can't just hack that part off the end and pretend it never existed. Either history's natural progression goes through socialism into communism or it doesn't progress like that.
Not only that, but given the way socialist, communist, and other leftist nations have been progressing, the trend of history is moving away from socialism and communism. The Scandinavians are increasingly turning towards right-wing parties because their social-democrat welfare systems are starting to buckle under demographic trends. Hell, the only reason they could afford it in the first place is because they have such high levels of economic freedom making them so wealthy.
Every other socialist nation is crumbling at the moment: Venezuela is starving, China is a totalitarian hell-hole that is very slowly moving towards capitalism and liberalism and away from communism as their people become wealthier and more connected with the freedoms of the outside world, the Soviet Union collapsed, North Korea is only being propped up by brutal force and Chinese money/nukes, Cuba is experiencing mass exoduses of people to the United States has been for decades. All across the world, people are turning towards liberty and away from socialism because every time socialism has been tried, people start starving.
So meanings of words don't matter to you? I was born and raised in America, can I just claim to be Scottish and walk around and demand Scottish citizenship? No, I can't, because definitions mean something.
You kind of sound like Jordan B Peterson. If you don't know who he is, look him up, I think you'd like him.
You're clearly very ignorance of history. The first libertarians were socialist. Libertarianism was coined in a socialist publication. Libertarian socialism would be a society where businesses are regulated by workers' councils, municipalities are governed through direct democracy, and there would be no centralized state. That sounds pretty libertarian and pretty socialist to me.
I do have slightly anarcho-communist leanings, but I'm not a Marxist. I do agree with some of the things that he wrote, but I'm a libertarian socialist. We don't believe that libertarian socialism is going to be some utopia, and we do acknowledge there may be a better system that comes along. Which is fine. If there is something better out there that decreases human suffering and dismantles systems of oppression, I'm all for it.
The definition of socialism is workers owning the means of production. But I'll just entertain this idea that if the state owns the entire music production, that it would also be socialism. All of these so-called socialist countries, still have a very large percent of production owned by private business.
I don't label myself as a communist, because I'm not fully on board with any one specific type of communism. Libertarian socialism fits my views more, I do have some slight anarcho-communist leanings, as I've said in this comment. I do agree with Marx on quite a bit, but not everything. As I've said earlier in this comment.
Having social programs doesn't make you socialist. Scandinavian countries are not socialist by any means. They have social programs, which is nice, but that's not socialism.
None of those countries are socialist. The workers don't own the means of production. Even the state doesn't own all of the means of production.
q011235 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best thing about UDP jokes? It doesnโt matter if nobody gets them.
Funkit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is technically a glue then? You have cyanoacrylate, various epoxys, silicone sealant, pressure sensitive adhesive, a whole bunch of adhesives. None of these are "glues"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could sit and watch a hummingbird for hours
Itโs like a mini helicopter pollinating flowers
Still i feel sorry for the little hummingbird,
It always has to hum because it never learned the words.
.....he can't feel his legs because he has no arms. Think about what you would literally use to feel your legs. I'm mad I have to explain this to you now.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:57:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sick of seeing so many jokes about dyslexics. My buddy is dyslexic and he's just like everyone else - has a job, a house, a family. Gotta treat everyone with respect, dude. Remember, dyslexics are teaple poo.
Dude not all comets are meteors, a meteor has to enter the atmosphere, meteorites burn up, and meteoroids impact. A comets basically a dwarf planet that can have a weird orbit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
andy921 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:03:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A comet is usually many millions of times larger than a typical meteor.
The center (nucleus) of a comet hitting Earth is a very rare, possibly life as we know it ending event.
This is why calling a comet a "little meteor" is making a couple people twitch.
spork3 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:11:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Comets are in no way little meteors. Yes, meteor showers are from cometary debris, but that doesnโt mean the comet has become a meteor. The only comet known to have become a meteor is Tunguska a century ago.
A lumberjack goes into a magical forest to chop down some wood. He goes up to the first tree he sees, and just as he's about to swing, the tree says, "wait! Don't kill me! I'm a talking tree!"
"Yes," the lumberjack says, "and you'll dialogue."
k4ng ยท 1768 points ยท Posted at 16:05:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NapClub ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:22:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ah combination dad joke and pun.
excellent.
dsr541 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:07:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the US, I've never heard someone say "Let's dialogue" or "you guys dialogue" when they mean "want to talk". I don't think anyone would make that connection.
souldust ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:02:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this:
"Would we still chop down trees if trees could scream?"
"Well, maybe, if they do so all the time for no good reason."
bert0ld0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol thanks a log
Interkom ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one doesn't work. You can't "dialogue". And even if you could, it wouldn't make sense to tell a dying tree to dialogue. Puns have to work both ways to be funny.
Three guys are sitting on a boat, and pull out their cigarettes. They all start to realize with horror as they pat their empty pockets that none of them have brought their cigarette lighters.
But Tom raises his finger in the air and grins. He takes a second cigarette from his pack and tosses it into the lake, and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
EDIT: ayy lmao I get it now. I managed to completely skip over the part where it says the note is on the fridge
Ghosttwo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:42:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'Twas what she said, me lord!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:39:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're good. The last part should start with "when I opened the fridge.." to get your mind back on the fridge to get the joke
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:51:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The hard part for me was at about a minute and a half in. Because I started wondering if Iโm really pretty stupid and I got into a shame/fear spiral. Then I had to start my breathing exercises and mindfulness techniques plus focus on the joke at the same time. It was a real journey through the self.
Man0li ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 14:51:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
please explain this to me i dont get it :(
edit: thanks guys i get it now :P
Z_FLuX_Z ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 16:09:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She left a note on the fridge to say "this isn't working". He took it literally, to mean that the fridge wasn't working, but the light came on when he opened it and the food was still cold.
MrE217 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 16:17:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhh ha.. holy shit ... never would have gotten that probably lol
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 14:58:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ubernuke ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 15:02:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think that's right. He knows the wife wrote the letter, but he believes the wife is saying the refrigerator isn't working while she really means the relationship isn't working.
And the โyou take thing too literallyโ doesnโt really make sense as itโs equally literal to say the relationship or the fridge arenโt working. Itโs a problem of perspective, not of being too literal.
Since I am too lazy to read any replies that you have already received, I feel it is important to point out that this is from a comic that took twitter posts, including spelling mistakes, and made comic strips out of them.
I am confident that although it has been an hour nobody else will have replied to tell you this.
britfaic ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:55:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was a comic series that transcribed tweets as comics. It likely was in the original.
phlux ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 16:34:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I triggered on that as well - honestly - I think that was a subtle intention of the joke. The joke is to anger people who are going to point out that its "you're" while talking about pointing out the obvious!
Brilliant comic.
willicaj ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 16:37:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke teller is so arrogant, he assumes she will be coming back to him. It turns "shut the door on the way out" upside down and he tells her to close it when she gets back - because, of course, she'll be back.
I might be arrogant, ive actually done this, sort of.
I was 20, had my own apartment, girlfriend didnt live with me, but spent most of her free time there. Had a fight with her, she got mad and bolted for the door. I could hear her car startup and drive off. I just sat there on the couch as I had been, no TV, no reading, nothing, just sitting there waiting. I heard her car pull back in and sure enough after about 10 minutes since she left she came right back. She opened the door walked up to me and tried to hand me a ring I gave her for a 1 year anniversary thing(we were young) and said "I dont love you anymore take your fucking ring back". I responded with "No, sit down so we can talk about this." She said, "No, I fucking mean it" I responded with, "If you really meant it you would have thrown the ring away and drove home, or you would have come back here, opened the door, thrown the ring at me, told me to fuck off, close the door, leave and go home, but you didnt do that, you tried to hand me the ring to get some emotional response out of me, so sit down so we can talk about this. Thats when I watched her just kind of crumple into the chair completely crushed. She then looked at the TV and back at me, "what were you doing while I was gone?". I said, "nothing, just waiting for you to come back."
For anyone who actually reads this and thinks im proud of this or ok with this, no, im not proud or ok with what I did, not at all.
Gden ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:36:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure if this is that funny or in just bad taste, but I just made it up. My wife left me for my obsessive behavior. I told her to make sure she slammed the door an even number of times when she left.
And now I lie in wait. It may be years before this can be used, but this joke is locked and loaded. When the time comes I will think of you, Thank you.
I used to pull this on my high school students. I could get it on the same kid three or four times in a row before he figured it out. Meanwhile, the rest of the class is dying in the background.
marlow41 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:41:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a really great post about the origin of that joke
Just realized that I'm not sure if they even run The Flintstones anymore so would a kid of say around 12 (about the age to know that Dubai and Abu Dhabi exist) even get this joke?
Fun fact: The Flintstones was The Simpsons of it's day: it ran in primetime on ABC '60 to '66. It was the first to do so.
dramboxf ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:40:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I put the Jetsons and the Flintstones on my daughter's Plex server. My two granddaughters, 8 and 5 at the time, freaking LOVED both shows. In fact, when the youngest found it was Poppa that had put those shows on her TV, she ran over to me, wrapped her arms around my thighs in a hug and said, "You're the best POPPA EVER!"
adaram6 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:08:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's making fun of something that people from Asian countries, who have this accent, cant control. I dont know anybody that likes it when people make fun their speech "quirks," and this joke specifically singles out people with Chinese accents. Not to mention the fact that Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
Slovene ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are plenty of jokes about german accents and russian ones and so on. Why get so offended over a chinese accent joke? Making fun of the British and the bad teeth stereotype is even worse and no Brits are complaining.
The deep south agrees, but everyone knows we're racist. :/
adaram6 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:31:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get why you're attacking me. I was just trying to explain why someone might see this joke as racially or culturally insensitive. All of your examples could also be considered racially or culturally insensitive.
Slovene ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:37:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry it came off like that but I wasn't trying to attack you. Just thinking outloud aboout stereotype jokes. No homo offence.
"Well, E.T. went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him."
circle8z ยท 119 points ยท Posted at 15:11:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shout out to the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets
Stegles ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:48:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shout out to my arms, for always being by my side. And my legs for being with me every step of the way, my fingers for always being able to count on them, my eyes for helping me see the way, and most importantly, my hips that donโt lie.
Why don't blind men skydive? Scares the shit out of the dog. (I told my very religious, kind, mild mannered father that joke and he laughed even with the word shit in there. Therefore, its deemed clean.)
It's referring to the Doppler effect. Basically, I'd something is moving towards you or away from you really fast (generally faster than we'd see things moving on Earth - think like, a star moving towards us or away from us), the light you see reflected off of it is affected by it's speed.
If it's moving away from you, the frequency of the light is lower, as the wavelength gets stretched out, which causes the light you see to be more red tinted than it would otherwise be. If it's moving towards you, the frequency of the light is higher, as the wavelength gets compressed, which causes the light you see to be more blue tinted than it would otherwise be.
If you're not familiar with it, this might not have been a great explanation, but an easy way to think about it is when you hear a car approaching/driving by. As it approaches, the sound gets higher pitched, then once it passes you, it gets lower pitched.
After reading a handful of these to my wife and getting rolled eyes and groans, I read your comment to her and got a huge laugh. I told her I've found my evil twin! (Although I guess we're both evil in this case, according to our spouses.)
I'm not sure which part you don't get, but the person I replied to said she was going to read these to her husband who wouldn't enjoy them, and I was reading them to my wife who didn't enjoy them. We're both 'bad' people to our respective spouses, or evil twins.
Well, the humor in it is derived from confusion that arises because people associate the color brown with skin tone and with dirt and feces. So there's the feelings of all the people whose skin-tone is brown to consider. It seems subtle, perhaps easily missed by those of use whose skin-tone is closer to colors we associate with snow, milk, strawberries or honey, perhaps.
The first time I heard this joke it was at summer camp as a kid. I can still hear that joke in the girl's voice and her laughing hysterically and then stopping mid laugh and saying "I hate you guys!" because no one else was laughing. Then we all started cracking up. She also had a laugh like spongebob.
Mom: โPete and Repeat are on a boat. Pete fell off, whoโs left?โ
Me: โUh.. Repeat?โ
Mom: โPete and Repeat are on a boat. Pete fell off, whoโs left?โ
Me: โRepea- OH!โ
Had this joke in a book that I loved as a 9 year old. Next page is: 10 copycats were sitting in a boat. One jumped out, how many were left? None, they're all copycats.
Jdrawer ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 16:06:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works best on elevators:
You know what's great about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
Without the evolutionary advantages of the hard-shelled egg, life on land would never have existed. Ego, the egg came before both the chicken and the dinosaur.
Yes, I am great fun at parties, thanks for asking.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:23:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you want to confine this to chickens and chicken eggs, the answer lies in how you define a chicken egg. Evolutionarily speaking there was a time when a creature that was not a chicken laid an egg that contained a chicken. If you define a chicken egg as an egg that contains a chicken, then the egg came first. If you define it as an egg laid by a chicken, the chicken came first.
Hilarious, right?!
Iomeces ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a coded way to ask if you're an evolutionist or creationist. If you answer "egg" you're an evolutionist. If you answer "chicken" you're a creationist.
I always assumed it was implied that the question was asking about the chicken egg. Because then you wonder: is a chicken egg an egg laid by a chicken, or is it an egg which hatches a chicken? If the former, then the chicken had to come first.
The truth is that evolution is not discrete, so there really isn't an answer at all, but that's not really in the spirit of the question.
The egg has / is built from the DNA of the animal that hatches from it, so I'd argue that it's the first chicken egg if it has chicken DNA, which it does if a chicken hatches from it.
trinadin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:53:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, they did find "prehistoric ducks and beavers," so I wouldn't be surprised if they wound up existing at the same time. They pretty much just make this shit up as they go along.
This is not "the answer". The question stated more explicitly would be "what came first, a chicken, or a chicken egg?" to which your answer is useless.
Corona21 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:21:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well yes a generic Egg. But what about The Chicken and the Chicken Egg.
The answer would be they evolved together at the same time.
I guess most jokes you have to "just get". Pretty certain it's referring to someone rolling a 40oz beer down the street and Boston drunkards running to catch it.
Rolling a 40oz beer bottle will get a bunch of people chasing it, yielding a parade. Assuming this is what was meant by it, of course. Judging by all the drunk idiots I've encountered (and being one of them myself at times), I'd say it's accurate!
Virus64 ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 15:18:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For years, I didn't believe I was a gay, dyslexic man. I was in Daniel.
krett ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 11:40:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The founding members of a newly formed country are sitting around a table, unable to agree on what to name it. They finally decide to just pull letters out of a Scrabble bag. The person in charge pulls 3 letters and announces "C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"
I wanna say I first heard this on Animaniacs way back in the day.
dunaja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then they realize they can't name the country "Canada" since that's been around since 1867 and since they have a bag with Scrabble tiles in it, the year is at least 1938. /s
This reminded me of my friends little sister who got upset at their mom for not letting her go out with friends. She threw their moms prosthetic leg on the roof of their hose and then went out. 9 months later and their mom was still pissed about it.
Good god! If I had done anything that cruel when I was a kid, nine months later I still wouldnโt be able to sit down. But then that was the 80s, when you were still allowed to give kids a whuppinโ.
You might need a setup for that punchline... maybe,
The great thing about political jokes is they make politics fun. But, (then your line), the problem with political jokes is sometimes they get elected.
Oh come on dude. Itโs a pun, not like Iโm trying to start an uprising of the aryan race.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 17:30:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not what I meant. It's a clean joke. I wasn't trying to hear Hitler's name in the telling of it, never was. Clean jokes are clean for a reason. Sometimes people don't wanna think about The Holocaust or genocide in general.
Three old ladies - Ethel, Bethel, and Marge - are sitting on a bench in the park. All of a sudden, a man walks up in a trench coat and flashes them. Immediately, Ethel has a stroke. Then, Bethel has a stroke. But Marge was old and feeble and couldn't reach that far.
MrDylath ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:02:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know the local library is considered the tallest building in a city? It's because it has a lot of stories.
Erkle42 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many seconds are there in a year?(let them do the math a little)
No no no no, thereโs only 12: January Second, February second.... (listen to groans from person)
LWrayBay ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:32:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing, but I can't put my finger on it.
Did they pronounce it bayjel or bah-gel? I'm not sure I get it, I can't imagine one of those ridiculous Minnesota accents pronouncing this wrong...
hjg2e ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:23:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs closer to โbag-ullโ or โbehgul.โ (If youโve ever seen Community, itโs the way Britta pronounces it. Hers was a bit more exaggerated than my friend, though.)
Ohh, ok. Thanks for clarifying. I think I get it now... Despite living right next to Minnesota for my entire life, I've never actually met a Minnesotan with one of those exaggerated accents. Lol. I always wondered why TV and movies made it seem like everyone from Minnesota talks weird.
hjg2e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Minnesotan friends have pretty normal accents, but on a few key words it sticks out!
I don't know if it's at all typical, but one word I pronounce weird is "kindergarten". I emphasize the "kinde" part of it. My Californian friend laughs so hard when I say it. He also laughed pretty hard the first time I said "kitty-corner". Apparently they don't use that word in California.
A monkey walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says โyou should work in the circusโ The monkey replies โwhy? Do they need electricians?โ
A grasshopper walks (jumps?) into a bar.
The bartender says โWeโve got a drink named after you!โ
The grasshopper replies โYouโve got a drink named Kevin?โ
A favorite from when I used to work at a grocery store, always got the old people.
Puts leek in a bag. Sir/ maโam, thereโs a leek in your bag.
slhopper ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 14:55:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf man a chicken?
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I always try to scream that line but laugh instead and my adult kids tell me to stop trying to tell jokes)
Did you hear about the Mexican magician? He said he would disappear at the count of three. So he said "uno, dos..." And then he disappeared without a tres/trace.
I asked my tween Grand Daughter to hand me a news paper . She rolled her eyes and said โGran, no one uses news papers any more. Use my lap top.โ I tell you that fly never knew what hit him!โ
OH MY GOD, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND COMMAS? LET ME JUST DO THE WHOLE JOKE MYSELF.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak."
"Control Freak, who?"
"Control Freak is a derogatory term for people that know what they want and UNDERSTAND HOW COMMAS WORK, "/U/TEH_DOCTAH"
A snake is riding a folding scooter through the woods and runs into a bear.
Bear: Hi snake! How are you riding a scooter if you don't have legs?
Snake looks down, says "Aaaaaaahhhh" and falls.
This one sounds so much better in my language tho :/
JaCraig ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:21:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man calls 911 after hitting someone with his car.
Man: I just hit someone with my car and think I killed him.
911 operator: Can you get out of your car and make sure?
Man: Ok. Getting out now.
gun shot heard by operator
Man: Now what?
hcs010 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:27:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the mafia not like Jehovahs Witnesses?
The mafia doesnโt like ANY witnesses
I love this joke because people prepare themselves to be offended until they hear the punchline. Great for distracting patients during blood draws :]
acobildo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:19:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?
Little Caesars
Rofl47 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:14:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The invisible man goes to see the doctor. He asks the nurse to bring the doctor in. The nurse says to the doctor โthe invisible man is here doctorโ. The doctor tells the nurse โtell him I canโt see him right nowโ.
I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.
Casteway ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:24:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
~ Mitch Hedberg
Infadels ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:06:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. As I left, I told them...
I shit you not, this actually happened. One day the only thing I ate was a packet of Oreos and drank half a gallon of milk. Peter that evening I felt the urge to poop so used the bathroom. I was in there for a while pushing but only ever farted. Eventually I gave up on pooping and stood up to flush. When I turned around though, the whole toilette bowl was covered in a fine black Oreo powder. I didnโt know you could fart powder.
So it's take your kid to work day, and a musician takes his daughter to work with him. She helps him set up the drum kit, and she learns a couple chords on a guitar, and she even gets to sing backup on a song. At the end of the day, she says "Daddy, Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a musician."
And he replies, "Oh, sweetie, you can't do both."
Kealion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:04:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna get buried, but...
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!
bitwaba ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:15:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
HHHAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Why did the hippie drown?
Cause he was too far out, man.
(You've really gotta kick the stoner accent on, but this one kills. Maybe it's the people I hang out with though.)
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:37:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel on his dick and the bartender says "hey what's with the wheel on your dick?" Pirate says, "arrr it's been driving me nuts all day"
bagzilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:30:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy at a wedding asks the grieving widow if he can say a word. He gets up and says "plethora".
The widow says, "thanks, that means a lot"
evaxuate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
because if they fell forwards, theyโd still be in the boat
Zurgzurg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that just escaped from the jailhouse?
He was a small medium at large
tripelt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:16:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into a bar and sits down and says to the bartender, โIโll have a Jack...............and Coke.โ
The bartender says, โWhatโs with the pause?โ
The bear (holds up his paws) says, โWhat, these? Iโve had these my whole life.โ
In 1997, in the spanish cost of Galicia, The USS LINCOLN and the Spaniard crews had this conversation and it was recorded on channel 106 of Nautical Emergency Frequency:
Spanish crew: This is A-853, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid colission, you're heading directly to us.
USS Lincoln: No, we recommend you to turn 15 degrees north to avoid colission.
Spanish crew: Negative. That's impossible, you turn 15 degrees south, you're 25 nautical miles from impact.
USS Lincoln: This is Captain Richard James Howard, commander of the USS Lincoln of the Marine of the United States of America. We are escorted by two clippers and 5 destructors. We're heading towars the Persian Gulf to participate on strategic military operations in Iraq. As a high ranked commander of a NATO allied country I COMMAND you to turn your vessel 15 degrees north, if not, we'll be forced to take whatever measures necessary to continue with our mission.
Spanish crew: My name is Juan Manuel Salas Alcรกntara, we're two persons here, we're not escorted by no one and the only stuff we have here is our food, some beers, and one dog. We have the support of Cadena Dial de La Coruรฑa and channel 106 of nautical emergency frequency. We're heading nowhere, this is the lighthouse A-853 Finisterra in the shore of Galicia.
We have no fucking clue about your rank and you can take whatever measures you want to accomplish your mission and guarrantee the security of your fucking vessel, which is about to be a major piece of crap in no time unless you turn 15 degrees south NOW to avoid colission.
Polar bear goes into a bar. Bartender says, what can I getcha? Polar bear saysโIโll have..........................................a glass of milk.โ The bartender says, โWhatโs with the pause?โ The polar bear says, โThese? ๐พ Iโve had โem my whole life.โ
I read this earlier today and now im revisiting the thread. Earlier i just saw in my mind a stadium with huge fans. I was like " okay... (nods)... I get it. "
A harried man runs up to his friend: "I think I just ran over your cat!" The man says "what did he look like?" The harried man throws his hands in a protective move over his face and screams.
1stdayof ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
purpleRN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey! Didja know there's a cocktail named after you?"
Grasshopper replies, "You got a drink called Steve?!"
A woman is at the dentist and he says, "Well, I think that tooth's gotta come out." And she says, "Ooh, I'd rather have a baby." He says, "Make up your mind, I gotta adjust the chair."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo.
3 legged dog walks into a small town in the wild west. The sheriff stops him and says "what are you doin' in these parts?" The 3 legged dog says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
A woman buys two tomatoes and puts them in the freezer. One tomato starts shivering and says - Weโre gonna freeze to death in here . The other tomato watches him and screams terrified- Oh My God , a talking tomato!!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old lady fall i to the well?
She didnโt see that well.
wgfs23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
(They say "arrgh")
Then you say (in pirate's voice): "That's what you think, but it's all about the sea!"
Two cows are in a field. One turns to other and asks, "Hey! Have you heard about mad cow disease?" The second turns to first and says, "How should I know? I'm a helicopter."
Two muffins are baking in an oven when one leans over to the other and says "Man, its hot in here isn't it?" The other, startled, shouts "Ah! A talking muffin!"
The Spanish magician's best trick was to disappear into thin air on the count of three. He'd begin, "Uno, dos--" and fwoosh, he would vanish without a tres.
Willxx81 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whos there?
Boo
Boo who?
Dont cry its only a joke
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad asked me the other day, "Are you even listening to me?"
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did they write on the Italian chefโs tombstone?
.
.
.
He pasta-way.
MigYalle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a teller at a credit union and this guy came up to me and said "I wanna withdraw $4 from my account"
Grizzly bear walks into a bar and says, โIโll have a.................. beerโ
Bartender says โwhatโs with the big pauseโ
Bear says โbecause Iโm a bear rawr!โ
Two Olympians are chatting before an event. One asks the other, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name is Walter?"
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................He sipped it before it was cool.
Broke my arm once when i was young and my friend tried his best to cheer me up. He said "you could have fallen down a deep circular hole with water at the bottom." I knew he meant well.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar,
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, โWe donโt serve your kind around here!โ
The mushroom responds with,โWhy Not? Iโm a FunGi!โ
The earliest Canadians had a gathering in which they would decide the name of their country. They wrote the alphabet on a piece of paper, cut all the letters apart, and placed them in an upturned hat (toque, sorrysoory ).
A citizen pulled put the first letter. "It's a C, eh?"
Then the next. "It's an N, eh?"
Then the last, "D, eh?"
CANADA.
rick_ts ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:24:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the baby boy born with no eye lids? They performed a radical procedure where when he was circumcised, they grafted the skin to his eyes. Heโs doing fine. Heโs just a little cock eyed.
2 guys were running away from the guards, and managed to hide in a dark storeroom. The guards almost skipped past the storeroom when the first guy knocked over something.
Guard: "Halt! Who's there?"
Guy A: "meow meow"
Guard: "Ahh, it's just a cat."
The guard proceeds to leave, and Guy B knocked over something while trying to take a peek.
Guard: "Halt! Who's there?"
Guy B: "The cat, the cat."
Powerism ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were two olives on the table. One fell off. The one olive still on the table yells down to the olive on the floor, "Are you alright?" The olive on the floor responds, "Ol live"ย
Why do SCUBA divers fall
Backwards into the water?
Well, if they fell forward theyโd still be in the boat!
pragnar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three old guys sitting on a bench. First on says "Wow, its windy today!" Second one says, "I thought it was Thursday". Third one says, "I am too, let's go down to the bar for a drink."
There's a joke at the end of the opening monologue of SNL when Rainn Wilson was hosting. They did a spoof on The Office. Lorne Michaels plays Michael Scott and says to Rainn "Ask me what the important thing in comedy is?" He says "what" and Lorne interrupts him, "Timing." It's a short clean joke that's funny.
This one's basically a dad joke, but it always works for me: "what's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano. But you can't tune a fish!"
If the person your asking cooperates you can ask.. what is a pirates favorite letter? They say Arrrr.! And you say, you would think so but it โtis the Sea!!
IssuedID ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the strongest letter of the alphabet?
P. Even Superman Can't hold it.
ssmsti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one gets a laugh but isn't exactly clean.
Pick someone out in a group and say to them "Hey did you see this weird brain trick where you think you can taste salt?" You have to sell this like its a real thing you learned.
They will hopefully answer "No"
So you say "Yeah its crazy, you tip your head back and pretend to shake a salt shaker on your tongue and you can actually taste it!"
So they try, and they keep trying... it gets a laugh every time.
If you don't get why its funny go ahead and try it yourself.
Blind guy crosses the street with his guide dog on a red light and almost gets killed. When he gets on the curb, he gives his dog a treat. A guy comes up and says, " You were almost killed, why are you giving your dog a treat? The blind guy said, So I can find his head to kick his ass!
I got a new computer recently. I set it up, went to turn it on, and nothing happened. I tried again, and this time, a little door on the front opened, and a little man carrying a pitchfork walked out. I said to him, "Who are you?"
"Who am I?" the man replied, "I'm the farmer in the Dell!"
The patient needed open heart surgery, because operating closed is a bit harder.
mcdave7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men are in a boat and have 4 cigarettes but no way to light them yet they all are able to enjoy a smoke. how did they do it? They threw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.
Joke is from the original batman series season one episode 1.
A string walks into a bar and says bartender give me a beer the bartender says we don't serve strings so the string walks outside and freys his ends and ties himself into a knot and he walks back into the bar he says bartender give me a beer the bartender says aren't you that string I just kicked out he said no I'm a freyed knot.
Bob and Joe go hunting. They are having fun when they are suddenly attacked by a bear. The bear manages to kill Joe before being killed by Bob. Bob starts to freak out at his friends death and calls 911 and tells the operator that his friend got attacked by a bear and died. The operator tells him not to panic and says "first, are you sure he's dead?". This is followed by a brief silence before the operator hears 2 gunshots and Bob responds " ok, what's step 2?
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other muffin โhey do you think itโs getting hot in here?โ The other muffin says โWHOA A TALKING MUFFIN!?!โ
Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his own crotch. One guy says, โI wish I could do that,โ and the other guy says, โI think you should probably scratch his head first.โ
A man and a woman are standing in front of a headstone. The woman's husband of 40 years has just passed. The man asks if he can say something, and the woman nods.
"Plethora," he says with great pathos.
"Thanks," the woman says as she wipes a tear. "That means a lot."
Guy (identity of your choosing) goes ice fishing. Starts chopping on the ice and hears a voice โthereโs no fish there!โ He looks around. Goes to another spot on the ice - starts chopping. โThereโs no fish there!โ He looks around bewildered. Goes to a third spot on the ice - โthereโs no fish there!โ
So they say โknock knockโ and you say โwhoโs there?โ And then there is an awkward pause.
Snowcial ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old woman tells her husband to go to the grocery store to pick up bread and milk. She insists that he writes it down a grocery list due to his poor memory.
โDamn woman!โ He shouts, โitโs 2 items! Iโll be just fine.โ
He walks to the grocery store, quietly repeating โbread and milk, bread and milk, bread and milk.โ the entire way there
He returns with a carton of eggs. The wife takes a look and furiously shouts
Not exactly a joke on its own, but whenever someone says they can't do something, I just say "not with that attitude" in a completely serious tone. More often than not it gets a pretty good laugh, especially if you're in an otherwise tense/serious atmosphere.
3 tomatoes are walking down the street, Poppa, momma, and baby. The baby tomato starts lagging behind and poppa gets real angry and goes back and squishes the baby and says ketchup.
This is one that makes me giggle for healthcare professionals.
"Knock Knock."
"Who is there?"
"HIPAA."
"HIPAA who?"
"I'm sorry I'm not able to provide you with that information."
I went to an all you can eat restaurant and the waitress only brought me a small plate of food and the check. I said, "I thought this was an all you can eat restaurant," and she said, "It is, and that's all you can eat. Now get out."
lwetz072 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says, โItโs getting warm in here.โ The other muffin says, โholy cow, a talking muffin!โ
haha you sly dog are getting some suggestions for r/jokes huh?
ecodrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a tub of glue?
A: You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar. There's a sign up saying "Pieces of string not served here". He orders a drink. The barman says "Hang on, are you a piece of string?"
The year is 2016, and the presidential election is over, but there is a three way tie between Bernie, Trump, and Hillary. They decide the best way to settle it is to have a race around the white house. Obama who is the president at the time says ok and the racers line up. The shot goes off and Hillary takes the lead, with Bernie close behind and Trump in the back. The race is getting Intense and right before Bernie can take the lead, Hillary crosses the finish line. Her time is found to be 10:21, which is completely unheard of for the race. The press is freaking out and they go to interview Obama for his thoughts, but doesn't seem phased by it. The reporter is confused and asked why he wasn't suprised by Hillary's insane time and he simply responds with "bush did 9:11"
SAGNUTZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[Insert name] is a guy who always has something on their mind, a HAT. No thoughts at all... JUST A HAT!
phyx8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on three.
A boy wakes up ans goes downstairs for breakfast. His dad asks him"hey did you make your bed?" The boy says "yes". Later that day the dad goes upstairs to see his son did not makup his bed. The dad confronts his son "you said you made up your bed" tue boy replies "no, I made it up this morning."
Two guys go out hunting together, one accidentally shoot the other. Thinking heโs killed him, he calls the emergency services. The operator says โcan you just make sure that he is dead please?โso he shoots him again.
What lives 10m down in the ground, is green and eats rocks
the little green rock eater.
What lives 10m down in the ground, is white and eats rocks?
The little green rock eater with leprosy.
An undetermined amount of time later, start a interesting discussion about what would happen if you drilled a hole in the earth all the way through to the other side, and then dropped a rock in the hole. Would it stop in the middle? Fall all the way through? Pendulum until finally resting at the center? Let people discuss for several minutes before you inform them that they're all wrong.
Because once the rock reaches 10m down, it gets eaten by the little green rock eater.
Once John Cena got seriously injured in a fight. He woke up in a hospital and asked the nurse who was checking in on him, "Where am I?".
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't
This ones kinda not clean I guess, but itโs harmless:
Q. Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
A. Ones a crusty bus station, the otherโs a busty crustacean!
So, the lawyer turns to his client and says " Let me get this straight, you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?"
And Mikey replies "No she's not crazy! She's fucking Goofy!"
When youโre at a party and you see someone hasnโt sipped their beer in a while so you ask them:
How much are they paying you? To babysit that beer haha
-Ash21- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is walking home from work late one night and notices a giant upright coffin following him home. I sprints back to his house and locks the door, only for the coffin to burst in. In desperation he runs to the bathroom for a weapon. The only thing he can get his hands on is a bottle of cough syrup. He throws it at the coffin....and the coffin stops.
Jinksuk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
ED2O9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you ever notice that when geese are flying in a V formation, one side is longer than the other? Know why that is? Because there are more geese on that side.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pantaloons. Says to bartender, "Yar, gimme a shot o' rum." Bartender looks at pirate and says, "Ok, but what's with the steering wheel? That looks annoying." Pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Commenting here just so I can find this later. Time to impress some kids!!
JoranTB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought a wooden whistle.
It wooden whistle.
I bought a steel whistle.
It steel wooden whistle.
I bought a lead whistle.
It steel wooden lead me whistle.
peinnoir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Mexican pizza place use to cut the pizza?
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and get hammered drunk
Giraffe falls as they're leaving
Bartender: you cant leave your pet lying there
Man: that's not a lion its a giraffe
There are two sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says โItโs getting pretty hot in here, huh?โ The other says โOh my god, itโs a talking sausage!โ
Arlitto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TWEET! (you could either yell it as loud as you can, or say it in a really deep voice)
Tam360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says, "is it hot in here or is it just me?" And the other muffin screams "AAAHH! A talking muffin!"
Two cows are in a field. One says to the other "are you concerned about that mad cow disease that's going around?" The other cow says "why should I care? I'm a helicopter."
They'll laugh, then you'll get in a debate over whether the second cow is mad and thinks he's a helicopter or the first cow is mad and actually talking to a helicopter.
There are two muffins in an oven. One turns to the other and says, โwow, itโs getting pretty hot in here.โ The other one says, โAHH! a talking muffin!โ
owlve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard in the Middle East certain cities like the Flintstones; whereas the people in Dubai don't, the people in Abu Dhabi do.
mitchk44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
Ones really heavy, and the other's a little lighter!
My favorite & I found it on reddit, always gets a positive response when I tell it: what do you call a reluctant potato? A hesitater.
My favorite my crazy grandma used to tell us: Pete & Repeat are sitting on a log, Pete falls off who's left? Repeat. Pete & Repeat are sitting on a log & Pete falls off, who's left? Repeat.
It will go on until someone gets bored of it.
smity256 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog used to chase people on a bike, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
qxxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
from 2 and a half man, makes me chuckle ;)
"There's two muffins sitting side by side in a muffin tin in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Boy, it's hot in here!", and the other one says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"."
Jesus was having a super fancy dinner with all of his disciples. One of them noticed he wasnโt using a fork, so asked, โDude, were you born in a barn?โ
In France I hear they'll arrest you for taking a picture.
Photography is fine but if you move the Mona Lisa one inch...
Note: the delivery is crucial, I always open by asking if I've told my police joke. Otherwise it's too subtle and it goes over people's heads. But of they expect a joke they get it.
If I had two fish I'd call them one and two, because if one died I'd still have two.
spareohs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was younger my dad would always tease saying, "Now that you're older, would you like to hear a dirty joke?" And each time my brother and I would be like "yeah!!!" And then he'd say, "a white horse fell into a puddle of mud."
I recently started using this one from r/jokes and it never fails to get a few laughs. Why do Nordic countries have barcodes on the side of their military ships? So that when they come home they can Scandinavian.
A man walks into a bar and asks for punch. The barman points behind him, saying "you'll have to get in line." The man turns around, but there is no punchline.
Amhsila ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fav one is
A man is being arrested and someone shouts "that man is innocent! He wouldn't hurt a fly."
The police officer replies "hes killed 5 people."
"No flies tho"
Dman0323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front if his pants. Bartender says to him "hey buddy you know you have a steering wheel on the front of your pants?" Pirate replies " I know its driving me nuts."
My dad had a great joke that requires a little bit of set up. When we would be outside and he had a glass of water, he would tell this story about how his father ALWAYS told him to drink from THIS SIDE of the cup (and he would point to the rim of glass nearest to him) and NEVER from THAT SIDE (and then point to the rim that was away from him. He would always remind to NEVER drink from the far side of the cup(points at the far rim) and ALWAYS from this side (points again), no matter what.
Then, on his death bed, he said โDad, for my entire life, I did as you said, without question. I always drank from THIS side of the cup(points) and never that side(points again), but I have to ask why? Why canโt I drink from that edge?โ
His dad said, โbecause, if you drink from THAT side (at this point, he would position his mouth of the far side of the cup. Itโs hard to explain, but he would put his lower lip inside the cup and his top lip on the outside, his chin was in the cup) you spill your drink!โ And then he would tilt his head back and dump water on himself.
It was a stupid joke, but it would give you a chance to cool off a bit outside on a hot day and it ALWAYS got a laugh. People would be so invested in the story, thinking they were about to hear some bit of wisdom and then BAM.
xmismis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
heard this one last night: a man walks into a gas station to pay for his petrol. the clerk looks outside and sees 5 penguins in a van. she urges the customer to take them to the zoo. the next day, he's back. upon looking outside, she sees the 5 penguins in the car, wearing sunglasses. She gives the man a stern look and asks him why he didn't take them to the zoo. ''I took them, like you suggested. We had a blast! Today we're going to the beach.''
xSoVi3tx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar.
OUCH!
hoo-hoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other โMan, itโs really hot in here!โ the other muffin replyโs โAHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!โ
Polar bear walks into bar says bartender Iโll have a jack annnnnnnnnnnndddddddd. (Pause) coke
Bartender says whatโs with the huge pause?
Polar bear looks down at his paws holds them up and says I donโt know. Had them all my life.
Whatโs E.T. short for?
...
Heโs just got little legs
warsh22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do penguins wash their clothes in tide?
Because it's too cold out tide.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.
Not exactly a joke, but when loud unpleasant things happen (train goes by, someone drops a cup, you walk past a bar with loud music) I like to dramatically shush it.
kb26kt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HEY!!! When you are driving or walking anywhere & see hay.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two windmills are talking in a field. One asks the other, "what's your favorite type of music". The other windmill says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I have used this dozens of times in presentations and introductions and always get a few laughs/groans. I've noticed, probably like all jokes, the delivery really matters, especially if you say the punchline in a perfunctory manner.
When someone asks how you're doing, say "Oh, I'm ok. I had to go to the ER last night because my jaw started to hurt, they said it could be Dog Jaw."
When they ask what that is, invite them to touch your jaw, and when they get close, bark loudly at them. Gotta keep a straight face while you're telling them or they'll be suspicious.
A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
How do you get holy water? ............... You boil the hell out of it!
roo19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Turk/pollock (or whatever ethnicity you want to say is dumb) is at the top of a burning building, he cries โHELP!!โ
His friend sees him and comes running. The friend grabs a tea cup, fills it with water and puts it on the ground, then yells up to his friend, โJUMP!!โ
His friend says, โcmon I know that trick! As soon as I jump youโre going to move the teacup!!โ
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey did you know there is a drink named after you?" And the grasshopper says "there's a drink named Steve?"
There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead that were running from the cops. The brunette jumped into a barrel, and said, "woof." The cop said, "it must be a dog." The redhead jumped into a dumpster and said, "meow." "It's a cat," said the cop. The blonde jumped into a sack of potatoes, and said, "POTATO!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper. The bartender asks, "hey, do you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your zipper?" the pirate replies, "arrrrrr, it's driving me nuts."
Is your refrigerator running? Well youd better go catch it!
iknowpoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in this world. Those that can extrapolate from missing data.....
gkiltz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy opens his refrigerator
Sees a rabbit sitting there
He says, "Why is there a rabbit in the refrigerator?"
Rabbit says, "it's a Westinghouse isn't it?"
Guy says "Yeah."
Da Rabbit says, "Well there you go I'm Westing!!"
armen89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard it on reddit
I remember what my grandpa said to me right before he kicked the bucket...
He said, โ hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?โ
"A man went to a fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back. When asked about his costume, he said he was a turtle. 'Why the girl, then?', a friend asked, to which he replied 'That's not just a girl, that's Michelle.'"
My wife and I were talking about Mimics, she said they donโt exist, because if they did theyโd rule the world. I laughed, she laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.
Everytime when people got stuck in excel for v-lookup, Iโd suggest them to try i-lookup, people would be puzzled and Iโd point to my eyes and said โeye lookupโ
Did you hear about kid napping at the park down the street last week?!?
He woke up and went home. Ba dum chi
Did you hear about that terrible crash on the highway last week!?! Some guy lost his toe! But they had to get him to the hospital real fast, so some people volunteered to stay back with some ice and look for it. They found it about a minute after the ambulance left and didn't know whether to call them and turn around or just call... A tow truck. Ba dum chi
My doctor said I'm fat. I asked for a second opinion and the doctor said I'm ugly too.
Krench7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales walk into a bar.
The first whale says
"Oooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiooooooooloooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooiiiiiiiiioeeeeeeeeeowoooooooooo......wheeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeoooooooouuyuuuuuuuuuuyyuywhooooooooooooo........ooooooooooooooooooiiiiieeeee
And the second whale says.......
"Shup up Frank your drunk!"
The key to this one is to make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable and then go into the the second whale.
MartyD14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
tenceirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the hot dog say when he won the race? Im the weiner!
When I was working at my job I had made a good joke that got my customers laughing.
"Wanna see a cool frog?" "Sure!" They'd say. Then i walk them over to a bust of a frog I randomly had laying around and I'd put my sunglasses on it. Got them every time
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin looks at the other and says โman, it sure is hot In here.โ The second muffins says โAHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!โ
Iโd like to thank my legs for supporting me through these hard times, my arms for always being at my side through thick and thin and my fingers because, well I can always count on you.
Pirate walks into a bar. Walks up to the bar tender and asks for a rum. Bar tender says sure, but I have to ask. What's up with the gigantic ships wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate said "Arrr, I know. It's drivin me nuts."
My Irish accent does exactly this.. I considered leaving the last part out for that exact reason but itโs the best part of the joke, Iโll make sure leave this joke at home if iโm travelling abroad
Three women died and went to heaven where they met St Peter... he tells them there is one rule... DONโT STEP ON A DUCK. That sounded easy and the women entered heaven to see ducks everywhere...
The first woman steps on a duck and her punishment is to be handcuffed for eternity to a very ugly man...
The second woman also steps on a duck and also is handcuffed for eternity to an equally ugly man...
The third woman manages to avoid stepping on a duck but is called by St Peter... she finds herself handcuffed to a Greek God type of man... she breaks down in tears thanking her amazing luck and cries out what have I done to be handcuffed to such a handsome man... he looks at her and says I donโt know about you but I stepped on a duck.
This usually gets a laugh and glare because they're annoyed they laughed at it but when someone says "oh my god [your name]" reply "you don't have to call me that"
Two penguins are standing on an ice flow. One says to the other "it looks like you're wearing a tuxedo" the other one replies " what makes you think I'm not? "
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One looks at the other and says "Is it just me or is it really hot in here?" And the other screams "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came across some tracks. The first blonde says "Ooh look, deer tracks." The second blonde says "Don't be ridiculous, those are obviously moose tracks."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
zaoinga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yur mum gey
cube44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyโs it so hard to take surveys in Afghanistan?
There's two muffins in the oven. The first turns to the second and says "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" and the second one replies "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"
When some one describes some thing by saying "....thats x in a nutshell" you respond by going this is me in a nutshell and proceed to act like you're trapped in a nutshell
Thank you Dan this will always be my favorite joke
A man got an accident in his garden which resulted in his ears nearly detached from his head, another man came in to help him out, so he told him to hold tight his fallen ears to his head because he is going to get him a magic herb which will heal him completely within a seconds.the injured man opened wide his mouth and said, my friend be in a hurry and bring that herb else I will stop holding my ear to my head OK, am just giving you 20 seconds ๐ ๐.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Bare.
Bare who?
Bare bum
Sigma476 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, here's how you catch a polar bear. You find some some Ice. Get a saw. Cut a nice big hole in the ice. Then you get some frozen peas, have to be frozen, polar bears don't like fresh. Put the frozen peas around the edge of the hole. Now you hide, and when the polar bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole
Donald trump and Obama are jumping out of an airplane and Donald forgets to pack up his parachute as he was busy in tweeting against paid news. He jumped and begged Obama to share his parachute but Donald was too heavy and Obama refused. So Donald jumped on Obama's parachute mid air and Obama said, " Hey man I'll let you have this parachute as I love Eric so much". And Obama was free-falling until Donald realised his parachute was defective and Obama had a back up parachute hidden under his T-shirt. Good Old Donald. You can anticipate the ending.
A very popular joke in my country: How do you tell the difference between a male and a female fish? You give it some fish flakes and if he eats them, he's male and if she eats them, she's female. Works better in the native language but funny nonetheless.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever read one of these jokes and actually laughed? Some are clever, but not worth more than a forced chuckle. Humor is more complex than a single line, spat out with no reason, setup, or context.
Iโm not a fan of comedy shows but if you are interested in learning about comedy, watch a professional comedian. Notice (s)he is likely telling some kind of story and is not just spitting out a list of one line jokes. One line jokes are a contradiction to themselves.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone enjoys a good laugh. I prefer in-person comedy shows to the ones recorded and put online. Not a fan of watching a guy on TV give a live performance to others. Feels less personal. Less entertaining.
I realize now my wording was incorrect in the first post. I was trying to refer to the comedy show videos, not comedy clubs.
dakotae3 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 15:36:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage
Veadora ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How the fuck is that a clean joke? Better yet, how is that a joke?
dakotae3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well itโs funny cause you donโt see it coming and I forgot about the clean part, so you got me there, but hey, at least itโs just the internet, so if you donโt like something, you can just ignore it!
Veadora ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:21:52 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forgetting is totally something I can get behind, so you're forgiven. I guess it's just that it struck a chord with me.
dakotae3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:08 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol well these kind of jokes are meant to strike a chord with people so no worries
Saved comment
ddaytz ยท 324 points ยท Posted at 13:12:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking
tinkerer13 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:01:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The invention of the scissors could have been the first ribbon-cutting ceremony.
QuaggaSwagger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:40:39 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A knife is cutting edge technology
Leerooooy_Jenkinsss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:30:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would totally go into a lecture on how shovels are for moving stuff and a spade is for digging.
rochesterjones ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:36:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spade is type of shovel
Empirer_BAD ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:10:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
U had me laugh ddaytz. Thx
McRathenn ยท 308 points ยท Posted at 16:22:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got this from r/dadjokes, but it has never failed me:
A king has three cups. The first two are full. The last one is empty. What is the king's name?
King Phillip the III
Jeph_Diel ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:48:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a second but ๐คฃ
choseh ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:25:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This entire thread is dadjokes...
PopeliusJones ยท 224 points ยท Posted at 16:20:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
Nyarlathotep4King ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:47:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I canโt find the words to describe how terrible it is.
QuaggaSwagger ยท 1401 points ยท Posted at 15:23:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog used to chase everyone he saw on a bike. Got pretty bad.
Eventually, we just took his bike away.
sodak748 ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 20:17:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather's dymentia got bad. He started lathering his entire body in cooking oil.....
He went downhill pretty fast after that.
QuaggaSwagger ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 20:25:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bless him!
My grandpa's still hangin' in there. He's got the heart of a lion...
And a lifetime ban at the zoo.
lea_firebender ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:18 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that killed me
awrinkle1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:19 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love you, Grandpa!
evhan55 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:46:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i like it!
Buckenboo ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:16:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please internet lords, help me remember this joke the next time I go to the pub
Notcreativeatall1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:22:56 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโll message this joke to you daily so you never forget!
Buckenboo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:17:32 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please do.
dugulen ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:55:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I searched through all the jokes with the word "dog." You win.
Bibble3000 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:47:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this reminds me of an old Groucho Marx line:
QuaggaSwagger ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:50:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are there new Groucho Marx lines?
And yeah, love that one!
Ghost51 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:48:25 on October 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey man I just used this joke in a situation that required me to make a joke out of the blue and it worked wonders, thanks!
Hs4Ever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:21 on January 14, 2019 ยท (Permalink)
WE?
QuaggaSwagger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:59 on January 14, 2019 ยท (Permalink)
The royal "we".
Hs4Ever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:15 on January 14, 2019 ยท (Permalink)
Yo nice, quick reply from a 4 month old comment
wait why am I still typing like this please help
QuaggaSwagger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:56 on January 14, 2019 ยท (Permalink)
Caught me on a lunch break! And yeah, might wanna get that checked out...
Hs4Ever ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:00:21 on January 14, 2019 ยท (Permalink)
hope you enjoy (ed) your meal!
oh god I'm typing like this now wtf
BortBelcher ยท 4804 points ยท Posted at 12:45:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An elderly woman came up to me whilst i was withdrawing some cash. She asked if if i could help check her balance, so i pushed her over.
nyquill81 ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 17:45:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heh heh heh this is my favorite so far.
______DEADPOOL______ ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 19:14:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Y'all motherfuckers need Jesus the lawnmower guy
jorshthehacker ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 19:20:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
Mr_Fufu_Cudlypoops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:07:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit, that's funny. I'm not quite sure if you're serious though.
jorshthehacker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:34:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just spend a little too much time on r/darkjokes
Mr_Fufu_Cudlypoops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:33 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same
nickyt398 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:17:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep. Found my favorite
Grapepo ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:53:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got a real laugh outta me! Iโm gonna have to remember this one
ankleweights17 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:29:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As someone on crutches for the time being and tired of nosey people asking how it happened, I'm going to add a version of this to the rotation of blatant lies I've been telling them.
CSKING444 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:54:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated one right here
SixFoot5ive ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:04:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No word of a lie, I heard this joke when I was 12ish and didn't get it, and I've been saying it ever since and not really got a laugh from it... I'm glad it's here.
kcshuffler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:39:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Originally written by Marc Gatland from London and posted to Sickipedia.
Ace.
Master-S ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:37:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whilst. Best punchline ever.
GoatMilk3D ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for reminding me of this joke !! Used to tell it all the time 10 years ago :D
Morgarath-Deathcript ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:36:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"whilst"?
FlaminSkullKing ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:51:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the same as โwhileโ. Itโs more so used in Britain than the U.S.
are_you_nucking_futs ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:24:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well one is past tense
WandersBetweenWorlds ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:44:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Past tense.
Morgarath-Deathcript ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:11:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know what it means, I just rarely hear it in every-day talk.
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one... wait is that a good thing?
AllEncompassingThey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:54 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Marking this thread
dpistachio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:27 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If if
DCgardener ยท 6872 points ยท Posted at 13:59:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What should you do when you see a fireman?
Put it out, man.
oooortclouuud ยท 1560 points ยท Posted at 16:54:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
follow-up:
what do you do when you see a spaceman?
you park right there, man!
noahmerali ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 17:52:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I keep reading the punchlines in Hydeโs (from That 70s Show) voice.
7amama1290 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 18:05:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read it in leo's voice lol.
Triabolical_ ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:21:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It *has to* be Leo's voice.
Siavel84 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:11:05 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or really, any Tommy Chong character.
jalerre ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:48:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Spaceman?
oooortclouuud ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:03:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spa-che-men
Plsdontreadthis ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:04:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi, I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman
CapRavOr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIf you want a shot, youโre going to have to dance for it...โ
killit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:55:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same, watching it through for the first time just now, this is totally Leo.
Edit: now I can't stop reading all these jokes in Leo's voice.
Donkeywad ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:08:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It runs on water, man!
oooortclouuud ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 17:57:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is correct. i tell that joke in stoner dude persona and i'm a chick ;)
noahmerali ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 17:58:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know they made a car that runs on water? It runs on water, man!
K_RothBinew ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:33:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reading them in Tommy Chong's voice.
barbeqdbrwniez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you read it as Hyde not Leo?
noahmerali ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I guess I just couldnโt hear him making a joke like that
duffelmuffinvii ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 18:22:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stolen from some other thread somewhere:
Another follow-up:
What do you do when you see a Spider-Man?
You have pictures of him on my desk by noon
mannippulative ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 19:18:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Following the follow-up:
What do you do when you see a postman?
You upvote it, man!
oooortclouuud ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โฌ
TyPhyter ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 17:49:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you do when you see a policeman?
don't be black.
serfrin47 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:57:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ded
electronicQuality ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:42:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you see a mail man?
Open the mail man!
tinkerer13 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:06:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't that be:
"What do you do when you see the mailman?"
thwgrandpigeon ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 17:57:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or...
you consider gender normativity, man!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:29:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you see the postman?
Walk around it, man
SciviasKnows ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:29:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What should you do if you see a postman?
walk around it, man
What do you do if you see a repairman?
leave it alone, man, you don't want to break it again
What should you do if you see a cowboy?
milk it, boy!
oooortclouuud ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:18:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐ well done!
toth42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/GeUx5sdp3qM
kmsgars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can only hear these in the voice of the Dude.
bringbackatari ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:03:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got an eye roll :(
time4listenermail ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:53:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly: Why couldnโt the hippie lifeguard save the drowning man?
He was like too far out, man.
Beavshak ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:12:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/jokesbesttoldinstonervoices
nosefur ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:57:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But if you see a spaceman...ya park man.
simiansloth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:55:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got loud sighs and a โdangit simianslothโ
Bone_Dice_in_Aspic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:01:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nuh uh I have to alert, rescue, alarm and contain first
Don't even act like I didn't do those inservices
AuntMud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, its Rescue, Alarm, Contain, Evacuate (R.A.C.E) I had to do those inservices for many years!
Bone_Dice_in_Aspic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nah, it's "ARACE" now.
MainVillageMan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:59:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in Tommy Chong's voice.
Styx_Renegade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Look at this dude.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If only this worked with a British accent :(
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out man
RATH3SUNG0D2017 ยท 12474 points ยท Posted at 15:22:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely found on reddit, but my favorite is to go into the garage with someone and say, "this is my step-ladder... I never knew my real ladder..."
Props to that joke's originator. Makes me chuckle every time.
achard ยท 2944 points ยท Posted at 17:30:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aww that's ok. My step ladder raised me too
Arcanejo ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 18:02:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They really lift you up to help complete your goals.
Euchre ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 18:23:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The puns are just escalating.
notyouravrgd ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:46:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They are getting better step by step
sbcloatitr ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:35:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that we might be able to reach new heights.
FettyGuapo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:59:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You let me down
JoeBugsMcgee ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:27:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only when you're too low to reach it.
snakeproof ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:58:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of people use step ladders to complete their final goal.
lisbonant ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 18:03:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh, step ladders. They're always such tools.
saynomore1988 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 19:18:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My real ladder was in a 12 step program but didnโt make it through.
david-adam ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 18:22:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
Emeri5 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:08:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned it was unwise to go undermine step-ladder
humpspringa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:31:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How about your step stool?
giraficorn42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:04:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gross!
AdiMom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:55:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too brilliant!
Shadesmctuba ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 17:59:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno if this is THE source, but in one of Louis C.K.โs last specials (yeah I know) the opener said it. I forget his name but he had crazy dread locks and wore a vest with no shirt. Kinda caveman-ey.
uw_gooselord ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:03:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jay London? Some of his jokes only elicit laughs after a few seconds because it's deep!
Mos_Doomsday ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:45:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On Last Comic Standing, his opening line killed me. He had his signature crazy hair, no shirt, and jean overalls. The joke was โhow do you like my overall look?โ
icer816 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 18:16:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's wrong with Louis C.K.? From everything I've seen and heard about the sexual assault allegations it sounded like it was mostly just people consenting (though they didn't want to but were in no way forced so really he had no way to know that "yes" wasn't real) to him masturbating in front of them.
Am I missing something? This was one of the few allegations that, to me at least, sounded like he didn't do anything wrong (he just has a fetish that people find weird.)
sounds_n_stuff ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 18:21:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think he had a professional relationship with these people which meant they felt pressured to say yes out of fear of how rejecting him would impact their careers. I donโt know that for certain though.
Poop_Wizard ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:32:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is what all the articles I wrote said. Those people were taken advantage of because he was at the top of their industry.
splitcroof92 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:38:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They didn't work together though they just happened to work in the same sector.
urbanbumfights ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:13:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which still means they feel pressured. In the entertainment industry, you piss off the wrong person and you'll never have a job in the industry ever again. Especially if that person is at the top
Edit: this is how Weinstein was able to get away with it for so long. He was a top producer, he could literally end your entire career with a few phone calls.
splitcroof92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:11:43 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just because he theoretically could does not mean he would. It's ridiculous to blame louis c.k. for his actions.
urbanbumfights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:56 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never said he would do that, but that is what goes through your head as an up and coming artist.
Its ridiculous to blame him for making the choice to masturbate in front of someone? You're joking right? He made the choice, himself, to do it. So who is the blame supposed to lay on
splitcroof92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:23 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Louis c.k. did nothing wrong he just thought he was getting some consensual loving. Blame is given to someone who does something wrong.
urbanbumfights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:41 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can think you're doing something right and it actually turns out to be wrong.
splitcroof92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:00 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did he do something wrong in your opinion?
zadharm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I'm on board up until this point. Louis CK is not the head of a major studio or anything. This is the assistant manager at walmart being banned from dating walmart employees...and publix and bi-lo or whatever. You're moderately successful so you're not allowed to come on to anyone in your entire field? That's absurd.
urbanbumfights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:22:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He is one of the most well known comedians with a lot of connections. The threat doesn't even have to be there, but when you are trying to make a name for yourself in the industry, the thought is already in the back of your mind
Jeremyny1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He wasnโt back then. He was barely famous at that point. Just sayin
REDDITATO_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:13:51 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The man himself realized it was wrong and was going around apologizing to these women before it got out. I'm going to go with his opinion of the dynamic.
-blackoutusername- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:32 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Agree.
darshfloxington ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup, even if he wasnt intending to use his position for favors and was just being his weird loner self, they thought it was that sort of situation.
Lovewell ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:19:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it's super fuckin weird
icer816 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:32 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not here to debate if it's weird or not. Everyone has a fetish of some sort.
Lovewell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:06 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah everyone's got a fetish but asking your coworkers to watch you jack off and just going ahead and jacking off while you're on the phone with them isn't okay is it? He isn't in trouble for sharing a little fetish he's in trouble for sexual harassment.
drdrpipe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"though they didn't want to"
icer816 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:00 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They still said yes and he isn't a mind reader. We only found out they wanted to say "no" after the allegations started.
Shadesmctuba ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 18:31:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No no no Iโm not here to talk about this crap again.
sayers6 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:43:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...so just ignore it. That was an open comment, some one else will (and did) answer.
balanced_view ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Harry Hill (UK) used it waay before Louis CK
reformed_nice_guy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:30:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was Tim Vine
balanced_view ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A common mistake.
No, I don't know for sure who did it first, but I heard Harry Hill using it for standup before Tim Vine became well-known, so I'd put my money on Harry.
reformed_nice_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:17 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fair enough. Harry Hill is a legend.
FuckingSeaWarrior ยท 225 points ยท Posted at 17:54:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"The last time I saw my real ladder it was supporting a family of three. Now it's in a 12 step program"
HerrFakalium ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:19:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it, someone please explain? Am not native
achard ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:31:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone's mother gets a new boyfriend/husband (due to a break up or death for instance) her new partner is typically called that person's step father.
A step ladder is a ladder with steps instead of round rungs. It's often smaller than a normal ladder (only 2 - 4 rungs high for instance) and folds out so that it is self supporting, unlike a normal ladder which is leaned against the thing you're trying to access (house/tree/etc).
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But what do step ladders have to do with a garage?
achard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:23:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that is where a ladder is normally kept
Jaffacakelover ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:38:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When the birth (real) father of a child leaves his partner, a different man who later marries the mother, taking on the role of husband and father, is a Step-Father.
Then there's stepladders, which are little ladders.
Big_D_Squirrels ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:28:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've said that to every manager that's ever asked me where my step ladder is. It usually results in copious chortles
eylemonpp ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:15:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember for one of Louis CKs Netflix specials, he had an opener who made a similar if not this exact joke.
wallaceant ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:01:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a handyman more of my clients have heard that joke than I'm proud to admit.
cornelli1 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:59:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Originally a Mitch hedberg joke, one of my favorites
PunkThug ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:04:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As much as I love Mitch, this joke was older than Jesus riding a dinosaur long before him
cornelli1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never mind then, you learn something new everyday
BureaucratDog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used a variation at work. Somebody asked me for the ladder and I said "This is just my step ladder, it's not my real ladder." It got a lot more laughs than expected.
EwokKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve been reading all of these in Rodney Dangerfieldโs voice. Funny factor doubles every time.
Demented3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last I heard he was in a twelve step program
FleariddenIE ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:00:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I isn't he the guy who used to head fifa
TricoMex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ratio of joke length to how much i just laughed is ridiculous. This is by far the best short joke I've ever read.
SHE3PDOG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad tells this joke every time he gets into the attic with his step ladder.
Death_by_carfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I heard Jay London tell it when opening in the Louis CK special
Smickey67 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna use this. I have a step-ladder. Also never knew my real ladder :(
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
conjunctivitis.com. Thatโs a site for sore eyes.
portablebiscuit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:41:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly thought I made up a version of that joke. Every time I used my step ladder I would scream โyouโre not my real ladder!โ Please tell me I made this one up: โI adopted a highway once, but when it got older it wanted to find its โrealโ parentsโ
Equilibrist ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:24:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kinda like when I invite someone to my house the first time, I always say "Welcome to my humble Adobe Photoshop." (Instead of "humble abode")
neocondiment ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:09:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs a Stephen Wright joke.
dugulen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:52:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My step-ladder raised me because my real ladder was always too high.
NurseDoggo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one made me laugh out loud.
darez00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite one of this whole thread
Worihor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa.... Meta Dad joke FTW!
CAGirlnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that the one too ๐
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No! I thought I made this up :(
Choosecharmander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my stepladder collapsed under the weight of supporting a family not his own
JoeBugsMcgee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sensibly
Kaebn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last I heard he was in a twelve step program.
bdaman80_99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That gets my brother all the time too
Timpunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tapped on the post and thought of this joke immediately, as in while it was loading and before it showed the comments. Props to you, man.
WrongScholar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke raised my interest.
dlydell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard good things about my step-ladder. He supported 3 people at once. Last I heard he was in the 12 step program.
Codex432 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It made me smile too!
johnericdoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My stepladder raised me too. Pushed me to reach higher.
JIH7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That joke was actually originally by Steven Wright. He's a very funny standup and a lot of his material is like this.
TyrannosaurusPunch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre gonna make a good dad some day
gdspengler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My real step ladder helped me get up in the world. His occupation was a potter. Hence, the former became the ladder much later in life setting a lattice in the lettuce patch setting boundaries for my future growth.
sangstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard this from a lead in comedian to a Louis CK performance. Guy had dreadlocks and looked pretty unique.
gltovar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Phoenix Wright could have used this one.
blofish87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I remember hearing Robin Williams say this is one of his movies?
disciple_of_dom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like something Demetri Martin would say
Senor_Manos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of the "Asparagus!? I haven't even gotten through my primary agus!"
amandapillar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm totally using this for my step stool in my kitchen.
NinjaTurple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always tell it like-- I once told my step ladder YOURE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
CharlesDickensABox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's Jay London. He has one of the strangest acts I've ever seen.
RodyPS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But is it a... MAD LADDER?
nevervisitsreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tend to go with "It loves you but it's not going to try and replace your real ladder."
miojunki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like a Mitch hedberg joke
SportsDad63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember watching either Louis CK's stand up special or Louie and the guy introducing Louis did that joke. Can't remember his name but he looked like a homeless man on LSD.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But ya know what? He did his darndest for a kid that wasnโt even his.
JackIsColors ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:24:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah. I work on a step ladder in people's house almost everyday I can't wait to use this on some Suburban soccer mom
AnomalousAvocado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:30:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have neither a garage nor a ladder of any kind (millennial), but I am so saving this for the day when I do.
ShevanelFlip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just saw this the other day! It's the guy who open for louis ck on his 2017 Netflix special.
Brian_Gay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:50 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard either Milton jones or Stewart Francis tell this step ladder joke on stage so it could be one of them that came up with it
wabbitsdo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:31 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure that's a Jay London joke.
ZZgold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The book Alice in Wonderland has the Mock Turtle with his very sad story: "once, I was a real turtle"
Run_Paul_Run ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jay London is the comic I've heard doing that joke.
SylarDarkwind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So? What's the difference? You need to stop judging things based on your narrow-minded cultural assumptions RATH.
Tesla3103 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:07:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedAceAttorney
SylarDarkwind ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:08:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so dissapointed that this sub has no content...
SupremeDickWeed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His name is Jay London.
Ostricker ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Original Mitch Hedberg. Died way too yound :/
gcraft ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a Mitch Hedberg joke
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it was Hugh Dennis on Mock the Week
jonnythefoxx ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is a Jimmy Carr joke.
JollyJ72 ยท 16793 points ยท Posted at 14:18:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My doctor suspects I'm paranoid.
He didn't actually say it, but I know he's thinks it.
MVC90 ยท 639 points ยท Posted at 17:09:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a very Steven Wright kind of joke.
RockFourFour ยท 104 points ยท Posted at 17:56:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried walk into Target the other day. But I missed.
Soulgee ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 18:16:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a very Mitch Hedberg kind of joke.
RockFourFour ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 18:22:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to love Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to, too.
Brsijraz ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 18:33:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The words are funny but I just can't get past his delivery unfortunately
[deleted] ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 18:35:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His delivery is what makes his jokes so funny! Him and Dmetri Martin. If they were to talk "normal", I don't think they'd be as funny
mutzilla ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:49:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They all were successful because of the delivery made famous by Steven Wright.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:54:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, boys, your old mother knows when she's been beat.ย You win, young man. I tip my bonnet to you.
REDDITATO_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:01 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You guys weren't even arguing.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:10:32 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It is the greatest polemic who lets a statement pass by uncontended.
Rofron ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:37:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a class act!
ground__contro1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can see that.
VanillaPudding ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:28 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To quote someone.... maybe it was Joe Rogan.
Mitch Hedberg jokes wouldn't be that funny on paper if you read them but Mitch made them funny. Mitch was those jokes...
Brsijraz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:45 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel the opposite way
redsyrinx2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:02 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You must not know many stoners
ewdrive ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 19:04:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
robisodd ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:00:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Redditer51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:11:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first time I heard that on Family Guy, it made me laugh.
DashmasterGeneral ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:59:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was my birthday last week and I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
kenziemonsterrawr ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:57:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reading all of these in Steven Wright's voice, it's amazing. Most of them work.
Obi-wan_Jabroni ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:37:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how they say not to put metal in a microwave? Theyโre right
purseandboots ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:17:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got this new camera, itโs very advancedโyou donโt even need it.
robisodd ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:58:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FreeThinker76 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:52:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's so weird you said that because I instinctively read it in his voice.
StAugustine94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs the king of this kind of humor
stevenjwright ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I concur.
SacredSix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or Dangerfield.
Vengince ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 18:53:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Where are the books on paranoia?"
Librarian: "They're right behind you."
stoprockandrollkids ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:18:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi, I'm looking for a book called How to Deal With Rejection Without Killing.
Do you have it?
Cheeseand0nions ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 17:40:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my father used to say that a true paranoid is someone who goes to the baseball game and when the catcher walks out to the mound to talk to the pitcher he's sure they're talking about him.
TheFeshy ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 18:03:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does your father know what I'm thinking when I'm at a baseball game?! Has he implanted something inside my head? I bet he's working with the pitcher...
Cheeseand0nions ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:21:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worse: they both work for the FBI.
TheFeshy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:23:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So my microwave is compromised too?!
Majormlgnoob ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:26:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm afraid so
-jako ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:12:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To shreds you say
kballs ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:42:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My therapist said Iโm preoccupied with vengeance. Weโll see about that.
She also said Iโm obsessed with double entendres.....if you know what I mean ๐
ochosbantos ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 17:48:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to the doctor and he said I've got hypochondria, I said "Oh not that as well"
ColdStare ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:36:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre only paranoid if they arenโt really out to getcha!!
atleast4alteregos ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 17:44:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just because you're paranoid.
Don't mean they're not after you.
donnysaysvacuum ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:42:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend's dad thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
redsyrinx2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:15 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a girlfriend but I do know someone who would be very upset to hear me say that.
-Mountain-King- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend thinks I have commitment problems. Well, she's not my girlfriend...
Mortomes ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:27:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He is thinks it?
I-am-a-llama-lord ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:03:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend left me because i'm too insecure.
Oh wait shes back she was just in the bathroom
honey_toes ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:18:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/meirl
JesusLice ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:46:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work at a hospital. We had a psych patient who was delusional thinking the cops were wiring his phones and following him. He eloped from the ER so we had to call the cops who are now on the lookout for him.
robertah1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:07:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eloped?
JesusLice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To escape.
robertah1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:19:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only ever heard it as 'to run away with a lover to secretly get married'
LeakyLycanthrope ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:42:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One from Stewart Francis: "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...we'll see about that."
Ha7wireBrewsky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:55:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best one by far
Ruffblade027 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:30:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a great scene in GLOW where someone accuses Marc Maronโs character of paranoia and his response was โIโm not paranoid! Who told you that?โ
Vindexus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he*
pa79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey Doc, everyone's ignoring me!"
"Next one, please."
Bizarrdo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor, thereโs a midget here to see you
-Tell him heโs gonna have to be a little patient
BaileyEnergy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm I laughed.
Esoteric_Erric ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hear about the paranoid NFL player?
Every time they went into a huddle he thought they were talking about him.
gloverdark ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:15:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the classic - My therapist says I'm obsessed with revenge...we'll see about that.
Lucrio87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My therapist says I'm narcissistic, but I'm sure she's just trying to hit on me.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:58:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:49:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
robertah1 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:05:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too many negatives to follow that cohesively.
-jako ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:16:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't start not telling me that you haven't stopped not laughing.
laythistorest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:57:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I'm a pair of curtains!
Doctor: pull yourself together, man!
Kuntheman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one
Coffee_Crew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:27:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs a real nose breather you got there.
Tuftlove ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:16 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think Iโm a hypochondriac.
PerpetualParanoia ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:53:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel attacked!
Kayge ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:03:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My therapist says I've got delusions of sexual superiority.
She just wants to do me.
JessicaUnderwood ยท 8078 points ยท Posted at 12:21:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive."
deimosbarret ยท 1480 points ยท Posted at 13:11:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One looks to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
SneeKeeFahk ยท 1000 points ยท Posted at 15:13:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other replies "Holy Shit! A talking fish!"
DrMux ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 16:58:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were baking in an oven. One says to the other, "is it me or is it hot in here?" The other looks at the first, pauses, and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"
Gymrat777 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 17:26:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was my favorite joke, but I think the two fish in a tank one might be on par.
taylorguitar13 ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 19:23:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two whales in a bar. The first says
"EEEAUUUUUOOOUUWUAOOOUUUUHHHAAAOOOO"
The second says "what the fuck Michael"
failure-voxel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:28:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God fucking dammit this got me
CLint_FLicker ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 19:12:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...the oven says "That's not possible! They haven't turned me on!"
The fridge says "Why would they leave two muffins inside a cold oven?"
The microwave then says "There's still a three day old meal inside me, I think the owner of this house is dead."
The old woman that lived in this house is coincidentally at the gates of heaven.
St Peter asks her "Tell me what you did in life that makes you worthy of coming in."
She replied boldly, "I made sure every one of my household appliances was sentient."
St Peter raised an eyebrow, before saying "A muffin is not a household appliance." and sending her to hell.
BaconContestXBL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/antiantijokes
SwenKa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:41:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the version I heard growing up.
failure-voxel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs my Dadโs exact joke, but with โsausagesโ instead of โmuffinsโ
smoresNporn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this sounds like a family guy gag
Smickey67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHoly shit a fish-sized working tank!โ
WatdeeKhrap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:59:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My bubbles!
PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 17:31:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says "Blub blub blub."
SushiSuki ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:55:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The pioneers used to ride these babies for miles
CottonCandyElephant ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:20:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhy are there 6 pedals when there are only 4 Directions?!โ
brainburger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:57:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do tanks have 6 pedals?
MaxTHC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:54:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a reference to Red Vs Blue. One of the Season 1 episodes I believe
TheRealTokiMcPot ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:46:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why are there 6 pedals if there are only 4 directions?"
Chance_Giguiere ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:00:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectedrt
XChainsawPandaX ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:46:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my all time favorite jokes
3isfordale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was my tinder bio before I started dating my gf. It got some laughs
HashtagPowerSteer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:52 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You mean they sent us a tank that no one knows how to drive. Typical command.
Staind075 ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 15:37:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank and one says "glub glub".
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:35:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other one says โFrank, youโre drunk.โ
RegulusMagnus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. They are swimming around happily. They are exactly where they should be. They are good fish.
Two soldiers are in a tank. They are driving it toward the enemy lines, about to open fire. They are doing as they were ordered to do. They are good soldiers.
Two soldiers are swimming in a tank. They are swimming towards the enemy, happily about to open fire. They are doing exactly what they aren't meant to be doing. They are good refrigerators.
original
Onceuponaban ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure that joke is standing somewhere between 1 and 2 Cuils.
Hates_escalators ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:27:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we messed up this joke."
Welshyone ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:55:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two birds on a perch. One turns to the other and says โcan you smell fishโ?
Hates_escalators ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:28:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two bugs are on a piece of fruit. One turns to the other and says "Is this a date?" and the other says "No, it's a plum."
batty3108 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 15:15:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages in a pan.
One says to the other "hot in here, isn't it?"
The other replies "Holy fuck a talking sausage!"
IKnowPiToTwoDigits ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:30:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
LukesFather ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:40:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, โ blub blub blubโ
SylvanEvergreen ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:44:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two pigs are in a pen, one says to the other โWhereโd all this ink come from?โ
BleepingBleeper ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:54:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to other, "Can you smell fish?"
dastarlos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
Kinglaser ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:26:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Perch is a type of fish
Peace_Is_Coming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still doesn't make sense.
Kinglaser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:11:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theyโre sitting on a perch. I.e. a fish. And they smell fish. But a perch is also a thing parrots and other birds stand on. So it has a double meaning. So it makes sense, whether or not you find it funny is subjective.
PancerCatient ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:28:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are swimming, one swims into a wall, turns to the other fish and say โ damโ.
1_5n3q52_5s2rn1m2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:46:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that got me. Just guffawed in the middle of my library.
punkfunkymonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:45:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two monkeys in a bath and one goes 'ooh, ooh, ooh, eek, eek eek!' The other monkey replies "Well put some cold in then!"
Montuckian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:41:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish without eyes?
Fsh.
70astralaxe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank. One look to the other and says "Gluggluggluggluglgugglugluglug"
ecklcakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works best when continued with:
Two soldiers in a tank, one says to the other, "Blurburburburb."
RyeonToast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Followed up with
Two Marines are in a tank. They drown.
Cassorilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I gave an informative speech on goldfish in high school and I opened with this joke every time. Nobody. Ever. Laughed.
IPlayTheTrumpet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It took me way too long to get this.
RezBarbie24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im not sure if i get it. Are they in a fish tank or a military type tank? If so i get it but dont fibd funny.
qquiver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank, one says 'wublublublublublublubb'
finrzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha
Avatar_ZW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank.
They drown :(
TomTom2552 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upset it took me to long to get it, but that's why its hilarious
muffjazz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I canโt wait to steal this & use it on every person I know
ilostmybutton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dos pescados estรกn en una bola. Un dice al otro, โque hace tรบ papรก?โ
El otro dice, โnada.โ
nomnommish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They see a wall, and one of them goes, "Dam".
rosierainbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fleas are in an airing cupboard. Which one's in the army?
The one on the tank!
Edit: autocorrect ruins jokes
Tyflowshun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/wxq8wK2sV1A relative.
Literally_A_turd_AMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was looking for this one from the last thread
leave_it_to_beavers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:08:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favorites!
Lolwtfomgroflmao ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are in a tank. One says, "Glublubdrubrub."
jbrav88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says blublublublub
w21irving ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:43:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two marines are in a tank. One looks at the other and says blublubblublub
19cocaine95 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:43:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it
Skreamie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tank - as in a military tank
KeySolas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tank can either mean a vessel for storing liquids or a large armoured military fighting vehicle.
hooya2999 ยท 16732 points ยท Posted at 12:22:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
mechanchic ยท 5272 points ยท Posted at 14:55:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was my grandfatherโs favourite joke. He would tell it to literally anyone who would listen... nurses, waiters, people in the elevator...
His other one was:
Why do golfers wear two pairs of underwear?
In case they get a hole in one.
sarah-xxx ยท 273 points ยท Posted at 17:02:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still keep missing my wife... everyday. I really need to work on my aim.
Peregrine_x ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 17:31:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grunkle stan please stop
zando95 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 18:09:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MY AIM'S GETTING BETTER!
pizzzaeater14 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:28:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.......... MY AIMโS GETTING BETTER!!!
lordolxinator ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:34:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Y'see, it's funny because marriage is terrible!
Channel250 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MY WIFE IS A BITCH AND I DON'T LIKE HER!!
Peregrine_x ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:45:26 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbfDpQ7vmfs
hopefully you will now understand that those were quotes, not people being horrible.
Channel250 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:06 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was making a John Mulaney reference, but it was clearly for the wrong crowd
Peregrine_x ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:14:34 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yeah i didn't pick up on that at all, not that i don't love mulaney, its just a bit of a jump from gravity falls.
Channel250 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:45 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Noted.
SarahSaraSarSaS ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:39:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER
kamikazi34 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:39:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the Married with Children comeback. Peg comes home and asks Al if he missed her, his response was "With every bullet so far"
boredlawyer90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didnโt know you had a wife...
ot1smile ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:35:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*i still miss my wife...
DJayPhresh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I didn't expect to see you in a non-NSFW subreddit.
_Serene_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Difficult for chicks I heard
Slappy_G ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's awesome.
CSKING444 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does your wife know about this aim thing of yours?
whittler ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:02:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does his underwear have any holes in them?
Then, how does he get his legs through?
BlackMetalBanjo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:31:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most modern underwear is equipped with the dickhole in it. Iโve heard that joke but with socks instead.
whittler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:04:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The penis was never been meant to go through that hole. The two overlapping, unconnected pieces of fabric stretch and contract, allowing for freedom of movement. The two layers also provide a piss patch to control small excesses of urine.
If you want to be cool, go ahead and pull your dick through there.
blubat26 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does anybody ever even use the dickhole?
zintapallooza ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:00:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In winter, wearing coveralls over the top of jeans with a belt, it's actually easier to piss through the dick hole.
wreckedcarzz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:41:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well if it's coming out anywhere else, I'd see a doc stat
SAGNUTZ ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:07:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP gramps! Ya know, I can hear him now... Screaming up at us.
purplenurple24 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:39:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs screaming up at you? Like... he went to hell?
RisinDevil ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:40:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I chuckled until I read this reply turned it into a real laugh
purplenurple24 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:44:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm just looking for clarification... your username is slightly relevant here now lol
RisinDevil ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:02:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I didn't even think about that xD
SAGNUTZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also, HAPPY CAKE DAY!
RisinDevil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But my cake day is in May???
SAGNUTZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, the cake is a lie.
Internecine183 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:05:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your grandpa sounds like the kind of guy I could be friends with.
SundancePlaysGames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:24:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandma is starting to slip mentally, but of her favorite things to do is to tell little jokes like this. So to avoid this my dad (her son) bought her some joke books to keep from hearing the same joke relentlessly.
diddy1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:01:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your grandfather sounds like a treasure
BaabyBear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think everyone is missing the double joke here. Heโs wearing two pairs of underwear in case he gets a hole in one. One joke is saying heโs keeping 2nd underwear for backup if he tears it while punning hole in one, the other is saying if he scores a hole in one then heโll need two pairs of underwear. (Cus excitecrement)
EcuaGirl213 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had to read this a couple times, but I got there eventually ๐
FeelsLikePooPoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Keeps
TimeWarpCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love grandfathers like yours. They make grocery trips fun.
Frostodian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh im jelous that he lived in a simpler time
anniemiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I kind of what to be him.
DoDraper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like your grandad was pissed off by in his in laws once upon a time.
Dementedmind32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I got a hole in one, I would shit myself too.
traveltrousers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually say condom
Dryu_nya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:14 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one, it works on several levels.
MrCoolguy80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your grandfather sounds like a great guy! Love it.
TheMotherFuckingRake ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:35:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It didnโt make my mom laugh. :(
iamanis ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:01:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too thanks
hooya2999 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:47:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's sad to hear.....
MAYBE-NOT-A-ROBOT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It didn't make my mother-in-law laugh either.
Also, Christmas is going to be more awkward now...
four_toe_life_kick ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:41:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if your in-laws are outlaws? And you're a cop?
Is that kind of like dividing by zero?
hooya2999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:46:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well the white sheet of my family is army reserve medic...... So... Still lives as far away as can lol
Lem_Tuoni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something something breaking bad
xX_Metal48_Xx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:55:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh this is really good
IBreakCellPhones ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:46:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I call my wife's ex-husband's parents the outlaws.
hooya2999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:45 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I call mine nothing. They don't come to see my child, so no skin off my knees
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This got me twice
radams5000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's difference between my mother-in-law and bigfoot? One's big, harry and smells bad. The other has big feet and lives in the woods.
hooya2999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:05 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's like the difference between a Porsche owner and a porcupine porcupines got the Pricks on the outside
Avatar_ZW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And they're wanted dead OR alive!
hooya2999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:06 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As long as it's with Bon Jovi are Lou Diamond Phillips
CharlieFnDelta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Going to have to say this to my mother-in-law.
Corpsefeet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone literally told me that in the last hour.
MistressMalevolentia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is basically my motto with my inlaws the past few years. My husband finds it less funny.
Biix ยท 1516 points ยท Posted at 14:46:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the difference between a male ant and a female ant?
Throw it in a bucket of water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 15:59:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg this entire thread is cracking me up lol
craycrai ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 18:29:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many ants does it take to rent an apartment?
Ten ants
ZWQncyBkaWNr ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:22:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of animal kills more ants than an anteater?
A pink panther. Everywhere he goes, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaaaaant!
xXoverusedusernameXx ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:52:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If he drowns he's a male ant, and if she drowns she's a female ant.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:24:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once overheard a young girl (probably about 12) earnestly telling her family this 'fact' in a restaurant. She was telling it as "did you know that female ants sink but male ones float". It took me a few seconds to realise that she'd obviously heard this joke but missed the point.
kevron211 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would have been useful advice when I made this video. https://youtu.be/BVGmin06_vs
arbiterrecon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:23:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I first heard this I was like whoa really.... it took me a lil while. Iโm ashamed.
But fun fact, entire ant Colony is female besides drone males that leave colony to HAVE SEX, then once they mate, they die. Very sad, Alexa play quackers Oats commercial.
If they linger too long the queen ant will chop their bodies up after SEX.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
arbiterrecon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here, here, and here
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are the males always abused in the insect world. BECOME MASCULINIST
Solsia-aka-Zelda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! I love it!
icydedpeeple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact, if the girl ant floats, she is a witch ant!
DarthRegoria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only if she weighs more than a duck.
BoredXZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the difference between a male ant and a female ant?
Ask if they have ever been called an uncle
kane_pepe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:04 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
C4p7nMdn173 ยท 4440 points ยท Posted at 14:07:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got kicked off a plane last week. Turns out you can't call shotgun.
CapnGrundlestamp ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 16:56:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Excellent!
sarah-xxx ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 18:18:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PhriendlyPhysicist ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:10:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof
lukee910 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:32:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Non-native speaker here, what's "calling shotgun"?
Emerycurse ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:38:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Claiming the passenger seat before you sit in it
brainburger ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:58:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which in this case means the co-pilot seat.
Iazo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:45:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which makes it a very poor choice to call out 'shotgun' on a crowded airplane.
So the joke has quite a few layers packed on.
Rachilde ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:50:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On top of that, picture yelling โshotgunโ while trying to enter the cockpit.
Itโs an increasingly clever joke when you think about it.
C4p7nMdn173 ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 18:43:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Originates from the old West, the person riding next to the driver on a stagecoach would usually be armed and on the lookout. For the most part they were armed with coachguns, which were a kind of shotgun. Eventually the person next to the driver just started being called "riding shotgun".
lukee910 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:26:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's quite an interresting origin, thanksfor explaining!
Markantilism ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:36:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Canadian. I didn't even know the origin. It makes sense though, and cool
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:42:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you're about to embark on a trip in a vehicle as a passenger you "call shotgun" to reserve the front passenger seat for yourself. All others must sit in the back.
Fear_The_Rabbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:45 on August 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have to have rules or all hell breaks loose, like โthe car must be visible before you can call it...โ etc.
ground__contro1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:12:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also involves shouting the word "shotgun" very loudly, which is probably the bigger problem
Cruzazul27 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:40:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs when you get the front seat, or first to speak up for something so you get guaranteed it or first choice. Itโs like a โme firstโ or โdibsโ.
soulctcher ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:21:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is underrated. Nice joke.
WolfQueen93 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:15:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I literally laughed out loud reading this. Nice one!
BaconExplosion ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:35:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also donโt say hi to your friend, Jack.
nonhiphipster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:24:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like.
Agent________Orange ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:57:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's why instead of calling shotgun I call Kurt Cobain.
brainburger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:59:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You shootin' your mouth off again?
ground__contro1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
best joke so far
MickeyMarx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed out loud at this! This has got to be the funniest one I read in this thread!
sweetalkersweetalker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay...This one got me.
Hotarg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Op is still in a TSA holding cell for yelling "Shotgun" at the airport. Is also on the no fly list.
SantasCousin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one actually got me to laugh. Just the absurdity of someone saying "Shotgun!" And hopping in the seat next to the pilot
geaster ยท 537 points ยท Posted at 14:22:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs not a whole lot to like about Switzerland, but their flag is a plus.
morieu ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 17:59:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If we're talking about flags though, Vietnam gets a gold star.
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:35:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i like these two the most
n8mc8 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:05:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that finally cracked my wife, she kept a steely, unimpressed look until I told her this one.
modern_messiah43 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 19:08:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Even better, my feelings on Switzerland are pretty neutral, but their flag is a big plus.
amarrah ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:21:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this on conference calls all the time but it mostly just gets groans from the audience.
geaster ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:08:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Totally, thatโs why I categorize this as a dad joke....
dpistachio ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:35:31 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but this only works with smart people.
macgrooober ยท 2638 points ยท Posted at 13:33:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out the boat? If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat
Cinemaphreak ยท 311 points ยท Posted at 16:53:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you dive (I used to) this joke gets very, very, very old fast. Because almost every dive instructor says it (mine did) and then there's always someone who thinks no one has heard it so within 10 minutes of a group getting on a boat they have to repeat it.
After I got certified it was 2 years before I got a chance to dive again, so I went along in a van with a group still pool training to refresh my skills. Not 5 minutes into the drive one of them turns to me and tells me the joke, assuming since I hadn't been there when the instructor told it it would be new to me. It was my old instructor....
macgrooober ยท 126 points ยท Posted at 16:58:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is like a rarer version of people thinking it's funny to ask a cashier if something's free when it doesn't ring up
notverytinydancer ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 17:20:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was cashier. Had an override code that assigned the product to fruit and just let me type in whatever price I wanted. I was a crazy fast cashier. By the time they got halfway through the comment I'd sold them a $2 cantaloupe and three other items had gone through the scanner. I sold a lot of fruit. On my starting shift I always grabbed a carton of eggs and kept it at the register to swap out broken eggs for the same reason.
HypnoticPeaches ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:17:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a former grocery cashier, that egg thing is brilliant. Not sure if youโre European where eggs are treated differently and can be kept at room temp, but I know that wouldnโt fly most places in America. But itโs still brilliant.
Then again I worked for Whole Foods where we had about thirty different varieties of eggs so it wouldnโt work, and half the time when I sent a bagger to swap the eggs theyโd forget which ones to get.
notverytinydancer ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:28:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We had a lot too. People didn't really care. I offered them an egg or wait for a genuine replacement. They never took the wait. Half a day in the aircon wouldn't hurt an egg. It sat under a chicken for a while and it wouldn't be cold in the car on the way home. Nobody is catching botulism from that egg. Aus doesn't have many eggs approved for raw consumption. They do exist but the sort of people who buy $9 eggs check for broken ones before getting to the register.
The_Waxies_Dargle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:03 on November 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for taking your job seriously. I fucking LOVE encountering people like you.
TheGogues ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:49:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or yelling "Freebird!" at any concert.
Notcreativeatall1 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:09:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve been to a ton of concerts and Iโve surprisingly never heard anyone yell that lol
RedgrenGrumbholdtAMA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:56:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only response.
Tysonious5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:51:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Geez this is Michael Richards times a million.
LetsGoMyEggo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:01:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It has been only 2 hours since I heard that one
iluvsashasquash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:48 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Noooooooo! I thought I was the only person who ever thought of this. I'll stop doing it now, I guess.
Perrah_Normel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:44 on August 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a balloon twister, I have heard the joke from Wedding Crashers about "MAKE ME A BIKE" about a hundred million gazillion thousand bajillion fuglilion gbthinian times
tarhoop ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:15:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a SCUBA diver - I would never tell this to an experienced diver. But if you can do it in a Canadian East Coast accent (Newfie is ideal), and add a "fooking" or two, it really freshens it up for new listeners.
gwaydms ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:51:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Newfies are the best. I even made friends with some at the cafe in the N Seoul Tower. Love their accent, just really friendly people.
clemoh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:30:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whale Oil Beef Hooked.
redditpossible ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:35:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know if someone's a scuba instructor?
Don't worry, they'll TELL you.
A cross fitter, an athiest, and a scuba instructor walk into a bar
I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
automattable ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 16:38:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a real fucking asshole of a day, and this brightened it a little.
sarah-xxx ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:57:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once thing to do when you're having days like these is to move forward... unless you're scuba diving.
SeventeenWatermelons ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:20:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or just scuba in general. If he canโt scuba, whatโs this all been about?
pancakeses ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:19:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one genuinely pissed me off as a child.
I actually wanted to know why they fall backwards instead of diving in.
teh_maxh ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:06:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you roll forward, your mask and regulator get jammed into your face. A lot of divers actually prefer just walking off the side of the boat, but that option isn't always available.
Chiefson_McChief ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:53:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another reason is that if you dive the bottles on your back could slam into your head and knock you out
Victor_Sierra ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:54:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one I was looking for! I love this joke.
reptoss ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:53:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Half an hour later and I'm still laughing.
Pokerhauntus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:55:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
5 years later and I'm still laughing
JoLe1337 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:54:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That actually made me chuckle
markusbolarkus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/antijokes?
FerynaCZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
?
Sexy_Rhino ยท 1968 points ยท Posted at 13:18:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids wear sea shell bras? Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
Stormtrooper-85 ยท 489 points ยท Posted at 16:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do mermaids wash thier fins with?
Tide.
afrotoast ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 17:43:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tide ad.
9babydill ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:00:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
get outta here Gronk
Notcreativeatall1 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:11:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a tide ad.
CubedGamer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:07:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, that's clean.
boilerchemist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated. Good one!
bizarre_coincidence ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 16:47:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a mermaid's favorite mathematical object? A sea star algae bra.
quarkypenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could you please explain this one? =)
bizarre_coincidence ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:37:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The wikipedia link can do better than I could. But in short, there is something called a C*-algebra (pronounced "See-star"), which is a collection of "things" (often linear operators on a Hilbert space) where you can add them, multiply them together, multiply them by complex numbers, take their "complex conjugates" (actually their adjoint, but it's like complex conjugation), and take limits of things. They are useful in quantum mechanics, and presumably used extensively by mermaid physicists.
Mirkku7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This explains so much!
schmwke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:25:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids always know how much they weigh? They have their own set of scales
What did the ocean say to the mermaid? Nothing it just waived.
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck!
fishboy3290 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a tongue twister, holy.
plsrespectkaren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know, for near humanoids, they have an oddly homogeneous gene pool. I think there's another Little Mermaid movie Disney never told us about... directed by Spielberg... in black and white... with a little red
siesmic ยท 567 points ยท Posted at 11:59:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket, โYou wanna see how far I can kick thisโ.
Cinemaphreak ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 16:46:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which of course brings us to the classic:
"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep.... not screaming like everyone else in the car."
jdbrew ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:57:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, a proper paraprosdokian
RancidLemons ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 17:14:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll always remember the last words my grandpa said to me before he died: STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, ASSHOLE
IggyCatalpa ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:15:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโll always remember my fatherโs last words to me, โCareful, son, the safetyโs offโ
Surisuule ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:22:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day!
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
^
snack-hoarder ยท 7099 points ยท Posted at 11:36:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite:
What can think the unthinkable? An Itheberg.
Printnamehere3 ยท 738 points ยท Posted at 15:27:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact: the pools of the Titanic are still full to this day.
Dakkadence ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 18:56:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/technicallythetruth
123allthekidsbullyme ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 20:20:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The titanic was still unsinkable seconds before it sank
Surisuule ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:59:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to go swimming with me? I only have one pair of concrete shoes but you can borrow them first.
konsickwence ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:09 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact #2: to the lobsters in the kitchen about to be cooked, it wasn't a tragedy but a miracle
Fickles1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And chairs on the titanic are underwater till this day! r/chairsunderwater
NinjatheClick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:53:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I died laughing.
ModRok14 ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 18:48:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well duh, silly, it's underwater! /s
lordpenguin9 ยท 1485 points ยท Posted at 13:58:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For a second I was whooshing hard, but this one is good
AllieTheHuman ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 15:32:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same lmao
MedicalPenguin28 ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 16:52:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it please explain...
somegone_somewhere ยท 139 points ยท Posted at 16:55:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Titanic. Think for people with lisp sounds like sink.
Comp1337ish ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 17:37:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah... I was reading the word with the short 'i' sound. I never would have got it.
Notcreativeatall1 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:59:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same, I was basically saying ith-a-berg with the short i sounds lol.
GimmeJokes ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 17:11:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*lithp
PyrZern ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:59:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's lisp...
NEEEEEEEEEEERD ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 17:02:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you have trouble making S sounds, so it sounds more like a TH sound. Ironic considering the word lisp has an S.
IThinkIThinkThings ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:10:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lith
redditpossible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lee-uthp
amazonian_raider ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:18:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username relevant?
IThinkIThinkThings ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:11:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hold your tongue and say the word lisp. That's how a lisp sounds. Think Mike Tyson.
YJCH0I ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:02:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a family of computer programming languages with a long history and a distinctive, fully parenthesized prefix notation
Laurels_Night ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like the way they pronounce the letter S in Spain: "Ethpaรฑa" = "Espaรฑa"
Edit: clarification and a letter Edit: more clarification. Language is hard.
crypto-anarchist86 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:29:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a minute to get it, but once I did, I immediately imagined Mike Tyson telling the joke.
Icearstorm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:00:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"SOS, we're sinking!" "What are you sinking about?"
Can't remember which commercial or skit that came from.
are_you_nucking_futs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was a learn English advert
Icearstorm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, that would make sense.
failure-voxel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
O h . I didnโt get this for months.
diet8rick ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:57:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Titanic was considered an unsinkable ship. Now read the joke again with a lisp...
Fastfall03 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:56:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's like you have a lisp so it's actually what can sink the unsinkable? An iceberg.
Sapian ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:02:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once heard a little known comedian tell me this joke, I think his name was Mike Tyson or something like that.
Dill_Donor ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:49:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I, comma, the berg
anxious_anatomist ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:17:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mike Tython is laughing hith ath off
viperex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:05:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that where you puff up your cheeks and blow hard while spinning around with your arms outstretched?
lordpenguin9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:10 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Precisely
nahfoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been telling this joke all week and the number of people who didn't immediately get it was baffling
ellzo ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think it's a woosh when you stop and actually think about it. Then it's more of a thud and tick-tock until it clicks. A woosh is more of a "oh, cool" and moving on, you know? Not really wanting to find out. So you're in the clear!
LockRay ยท 706 points ยท Posted at 14:50:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a mouse trap if your tongue gets stuck in it?
A mouth trap.
Forkface_Jr ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:30:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! I've never heard this one, that's good
wildurbanyogi ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:07:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you say, โA mouth thwappโ?
Beau87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:51:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Meta AF
Arcanejo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ref?
zando95 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:11:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one is so good because it works on multiple levels.
dragan17a ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 17:43:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this one:
The employer says to the employee:
"I really think you would be a great fit for the job. I was just wondering, there is a five year gap in your CV. What where you doing there?"
The employee: "This is where I went to Yale"
The employer: "Well that is magnificent, we are hiring you"
The employee : "Yay! I got the yob"
snack-hoarder ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:56:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is brilliant! Hahahahahaa!!!!
DelRayTrogdor ยท 130 points ยท Posted at 14:13:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mike Tython?
snack-hoarder ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:55:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeth.
WombatCommander ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:05:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thimply epic
monkeymanod ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:15:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now kith
CocoSavege ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My style is๏ปฟ impetuous, my defense is impregnable. My fists are Titanic, my punches unthinkable.
filthierkc ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:35:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
11/10 good laugh
MrNobodyX3 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:30:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 100% not getting this one... I... the berg. which I guess is Iceberg but I don't see the connection with the question......
jManAscending ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:53:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine someone with a lisp asking "What can sink the unsinkable?"
WIZARDBONER ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:49:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. Now I get it. I was really struggling with this one for some reason.
ISayISayISay ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:43:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Thunder went for a ride
Upon his favourite philly
"I'm Thor!" he cried
The horse replied:
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"
snack-hoarder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:56:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!!
goshin2568 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punchline is iceberg but with a lisp
MrNobodyX3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:37 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ah, I guess it's a joke better said than written
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:28:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like my tongue quit working on me.
Aksweetie4u ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:30:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say it as โwith an ithebergโ and it makes it feel even weirder to say- like you are lisping with.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:37:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol- yes!
Ritzuma ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:05:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best part about this joke is, if the person in front of you isnโt getting it, you tell them โlet that sink inโ
amazonian_raider ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:22:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ftfy
baronvonweezil ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:40:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This oneโs really good this got me
seanbennick ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:35:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thtop it!
wheeldog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thwow him to the fwoor!
LookAtTheFlowers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:36:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant commercial
DamaOscuraDeTodos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was just about to post this commercial. Every once in a while, my sister and I will quote this commercial to each other.
jellies-and-fruits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:10:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i took like an entire minute to figure out this one but i chuckled lmao
elmwoodblues ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:16:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Inconceivable!
Newbkidsnthblok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:41:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RobinLSL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok this one takes the cake. Best one I've read in a long while!
doggo_dood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:43:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is the best one by far
jthill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:39:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a twack?
...?
A twack is what a twain wuns on.
dbwedgie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:11 on August 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've told this joke a few times since this thread began, all thanks to you.
gruidae_in_a_blanket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh boy, this is a good one.
Froogler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Explain please
anonuemus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just imagine a german telling this joke.
rocorey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say it like Dr. Kripke
shaving99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Starring Mike Tyson as Jack
SolidSnakesCoffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it.
jonathansharman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:00:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine the joke-teller has a lisp and re-read it.
SolidSnakesCoffee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for the hint, but I still donโt get it.
jonathansharman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:32:40 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What can sink the unsinkable? An iceberg. (Also a reference to the Titanic.)
SolidSnakesCoffee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:46:02 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaahhh. Thank you
placeb0jesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best joke Iโve ever read
TheOriginalJunglist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite version: How do you sink the unsinkable? With an Itheberg
Crushing76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not even gonna front, you got me there lol
Livery614 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's an opposite of:
An sinking ship contacts a German coastguard and calls out for help ," we are sinking, we are sinking".
German coastguard replies, " what are you sinking about?"
Author-in-Scarlett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my new favorite joke.
bubblesfix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't see this as a clean joke. Too many people died on that boat.
bot_bot_bot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have to agree, this is so, so good!
The_Canadian_Devil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
http://miketython.com
anonuemus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
good joke for germans
dodo_gogo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha
okwashere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bruh i had to say it out loud to get it. Damn.
Powdz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read this in Valentineโs voice
habanero223 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is hard for me to pull off since I have a lisp.
snack-hoarder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:18 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoops!
I had a horrible lisp when I was a kid. My sister forced it out of me.
JVM_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
snack-hoarder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno... what?
JVM_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:22:31 on August 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Halfway
snack-hoarder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:53 on August 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I genuinely laughed out loud at that. BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
skepticalspectacle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lisp jokes, solid go-to.
Ughda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one because I'm french, and it pairs very well with my accent
Fr3n2y ยท 6655 points ยท Posted at 10:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you whisper โgullibleโ it sounds like โorangesโ
Edit - holy smoke - did I just get GOLD - Amen fellow reddit user
NettyTheMadScientist ยท 3335 points ยท Posted at 11:04:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate you
tabiotjui ยท 2426 points ยท Posted at 12:07:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The mental image of you saying this is making me laugh more than the joke is
liljakeyplzandthnx ยท 1951 points ยท Posted at 13:37:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just picture someone in a cubicle next to him hearing "gullible ... fuck "
Mz-B ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 16:48:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
XD
____Turtle____ ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 15:57:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This^
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:08:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That^
guywithanaccount1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:12:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These^
Anbu8366 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:30:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those^
Insertdedmemehere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:59:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thares^
firekind5 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:43:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was about to say it and then narrowed my eyes and went โhmmmmm...โ
yagamisakura ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:56:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't pretend you didn't do it too.
ThePrequelMemesBot ยท 280 points ยท Posted at 11:04:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you
NettyTheMadScientist ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 11:05:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hello there
ThePrequelMemesBot ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 11:06:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
General Kenobi!
NettyTheMadScientist ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 11:07:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate sand
b_taken_username ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 13:38:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's course and its rough and it gets everywhere
SleeplessShitposter ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:57:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two things people never consider:
Anakin was a slave on a sand planet as a kid.
Luke Skywalker hid on a sand planet. The same sand planet.
The quote actually refers to something in the Star Wars lore but everyone just thinks it's nonsense teen angst.
TheHeartlessCookie ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:22:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought everyone knew that??
johnnyringoh ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:41:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
ThePrequelMemesBot ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:41:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will do what I must
johnnyringoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot.
Br26Hawks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You will try...
DropDeadFred1208 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:17:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the free karma
Peabo721 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:10:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The angel from my nightmare
awfuldong ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:23:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
good bot
blueblob_v1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You were the chosen one! You were supposed to destroy the sith, not join them!
NinjatheClick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:34:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did it, too...
adambdragon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:18:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if you did this... that might genuinely be one of the cutest things ive ever come to know about
Jamiezyges ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:36:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're so orange!
LeakyLycanthrope ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:46:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna join the Pen 15 Club?
greatsagesun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:02:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
With a username like that, you were one bad day from becoming a supervillain. I guess that day is finally here.
NettyTheMadScientist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They called me gullible...Iโll show them!! IโLL SHOW THEM ALL JUST HOW โGULLIBLEโ I CAN BE
Ephriel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe you've done this
NugsAndNeoprene ยท 1228 points ยท Posted at 11:35:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting fact, the word 'gullible' is actually not in the dictionary
hitj ยท 1081 points ยท Posted at 13:22:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My husband got me with this one 14 years ago. Iโm still embarrassed.
brancowlord ยท 737 points ยท Posted at 17:18:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin tried to get me with that one once, so when I found it in the dictionary she handed me I acted all surprised, like "Oh my god, you're right! It's not in here!" The look she gave me when she checked and it was right there where it was supposed to be, whew, man I've been riding that wave for the last decade and a half.
the1spaceman ยท 178 points ยท Posted at 17:30:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once hit my brother with "I lost my phone. Can you call it?" It took him some time to realize I sent that over a text message
DoctorFrankz ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 18:40:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once lost my phone and tried to call it, but once I was in the (lost phones) phone app, I realised my stupidity.
Phylliida ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:55:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One time I found my brothersโ phone he had lost and I texted him telling him I found it...
iHateE450s ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:00:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At least you could delete the text and act like nothing happened.
SteveBB10 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:58:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one not as funny anymore with being able to iMessage from a laptop. Used to do it all the time back in the flip phone days.
MrEvilNES ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:53:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had a friend text me "someone found your phone" once
fooduvluv ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh but I can't count the times I've found someone's phone and then unthinkingly called/texted them to let them know...
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
XD
born2cheese ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:08:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This happened in an episode of Roseanne
brancowlord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:50 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't be surprised if I got it from there, as a young bull I was more impressionable than wet sand.
jesusfursona ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:07:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pro revenge right here
eatapenny ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 17:00:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, I got hit with the "gullible is written on the ceiling" one in high school and I still thinking about that one.
Kinda funny though, my friend's initials were written on the ceiling.
SeventeenWatermelons ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 17:18:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in middle school I got passed a note from the kid next to me that said โthere are footprints on the ceiling..... pass it onโ
Obviously looked up to see no footprints on the ceiling, immediately heard giggling. Half the class that had already got the note were staring at me intently waiting for me to fall for it. Which I did.
Passed it to the next kid, and watched as one by one the rest of the class looked up at the ceiling. It was so simple and so stupid but so funny, and it has seemed to escape the vortex of repressed memories I have from that time period. I giggle when I remember it
ijustlikecars ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:42:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
School I went to actually had 'gullible' written on a piece of tape on the ceiling. Was some sort of anti-joke I guess, it took forever to convince someone to look at it as they didn't want to be gullible... Then they'd look and tada... Wasn't a joke at all! I still don't understand why it's funny, but I find it funny anyway.
Kwikstyx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:37:32 on September 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kid in pre-cal shouted while pointing to a corner, 'juan, get off the cieling!' And the girl sitting next to him turned around to look up and whipped back around when she realized what happened! The look on her face went from scared, confused then embarrassed that she fell for it all within a second
VainPursuits ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:03:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife is so gullible she wasn't even skeptical enough to look. She said "Really? That's interesting"...
lord_pi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:09:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like an odd way to propose, but congrats.
myaltaccount86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:14:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hit one of my coworkers with a slight variation saying they took it out of the dictionary. She said "why'd they do that?"
"I don't know. I guess people just don't use the word that much."
"That's weird."
An hour later she walked up to me saying "That's not funny!" I thought it was.
3magicdragons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg, mine too! I called him and said, "Yes it is, you dummy!" Didn't know why he was laughing for like 5 minutes...
ast8133 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got my older brother with that one.... twice. Iโm not sure how he managed it.
newbfella ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Still Embarrassed, I am newbfella. Nice to meet you.
xynaxia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:38:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read your comment, and it still got me.
Andouiette ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:22:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sibling: Hey Mom, can you believe theyโre taking gullible out of the dictionary? Mom: Really? But why?
FrankDrakman ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:04:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It has to be! They wrote a book called "Gullible's Travels".
Just_a_guy81 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:11:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Went to a bookstore on a first date once and pulled that joke, she frantically thumbed through a dictionary she found and was so proud of herself to prove me wrong... there was no second date
NugsAndNeoprene ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:39 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worth it though
nocthermal ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:56:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always used, โDid you know gullible is in the dictionary twice?โ
My favorite response was a friend saying, โHow? Like as a noun and verb or.... fuck you!โ
EvanDaniel ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:05:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know gullible is spelled with three Ls?
metans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:26:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lllullible?
MichaelEuteneuer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:10:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You motherfucker.
rexstuff1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:24:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got my cousin good with this one. "It's not!?"
constant_hawk ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:24:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe its a French word. To sound educated swap English words with their French cognates.
NugsAndNeoprene ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:08:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hook, line, and sinker
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:15:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neither is oranges
Spuddaccino1337 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
looks in dictionary
Holy shit, you're right!
Cael_of_House_Howell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My older sister would always say someone wrote gullible on the ceiling when we go out to eat and stuff.
gsfgf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the longest time โgullableโ (note the common misspelling) redirected to a page not found on Wikipedia. So if you posted https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gullable it would in fact not show up on Wikipedia. Now it corrects your spelling, though.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:25:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try.
lemonzap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a classmate of mine with that back in middle school. She found it in the dictionary and tried to point it out to me to make sure I knew it actually was there.
kd7uiy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always it was in there twice...
metans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit you're right!
libbydalibster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:20 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sister once cut the word dictionary out of our dictionary and put it on our ceiling.
cityterrace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:24:28 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this: do people really check the dictionary when they hear this?
keithabarta ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 16:23:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The best way to counter this is to whisper oranges. And then brighten up, and say "it worked!"
Fr3n2y ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:24:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nailed it.
t0f0b0 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 15:56:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You: Did you know that gullible isn't in the dictionary?
Friend: looks Yes it is.... aww...
or
Friend: Did you know that gullible isn't in the dictionary?
You: looks Huh, you're right. hands friend the dictionary
Friend: looks ...son of a....
JC0708 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 14:30:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just got my husband and 2 kids on this. Yes!!
Calligraphee ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 16:35:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once told a friend that the word gullible was written on the ceiling. She believed me and looked up to check.
We were standing outside at the time.
Fr3n2y ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:55:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pro. I am definitely trying this tonight...
Calligraphee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:42:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After you do this one, tell them "Nah, I was just joking. But did you know that gullible actually isn't in the dictionary?" They never think you'll do the same thing twice, so even if they don't fall for it the first time they might for the second.
Pools69 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 14:13:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it, explain please?
WalkerVII ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 16:11:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
not sure what you're not getting. words have different intonations depending when it's said or whispered, cause of mouth shapes work. and gullible sounds like oranges when it's whispered.
WildZeebra ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:21:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is correct
snowsl ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:20:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit!
sturdy55 ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 17:04:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol you actually believe OP didn't get it.
ascendantlogic ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:46:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to believe youโre just joking
justdontfindme ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:58:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't either.
Reverse-I_am_Organic ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 16:18:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gullible doesnโt sound like orange when you whisper it. But you were gullible enough to try it out
justdontfindme ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:23:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhh
Maskret ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:34:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard the word before either, not native.
Reverse-I_am_Organic ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:35:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gullible means you are easily persuaded to believe something
Maskret ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:51:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
musicisum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:51:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's like how if you say "beer can" with a Jamaican accent, it sounds like "antidisestablishmentarianism."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:36:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is that gullible doesn't sound like orange
MystWalkerPresents ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:42:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another great variation on the "gullible" jokes:
You: "Hey, somebody wrote 'gullible' on the ceiling!"
Others: (Nobody believes you.)
You, tilting your head and squinting just a little bit: "That's funny...they spelled it wrong."
Fun reactions every time.
dramboxf ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:45:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my wife that if you say "gullible" really slowly, it sounds like "oranges," and she fell for it.
And then cursed me out for twenty minutes, laughing the entire time.
Also told her "gullible" wasn't in the dictionary, and she fell for that, too.
Before you think my wife is an idiot, she's one of the smartest people I've ever met -- she just trusts me that much.
Or, well, she used to.
readithor ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:08:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Absolute mad lad, you are.
TheOriginal_Omnipoek ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:45:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to try this on a couple coworkers. Thanks!
templar0913 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:36:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Totally just got my wife with this!! Thank you! Hahah
CoffeeDave15065 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:19:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:/ I'm an idiot.
DerpyMcSquire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:19:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah it does!
Gave_it_a_try ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:55:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my goodness, you got me.
Bone_Dice_in_Aspic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:09:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, but you have to really roll your tongue back and say it mushmouthed
ThelWhitelWolf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:14:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm about to get my coworkers with this one.
Edit: Got em.
illusiveheart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed at this one for about 10 mins!
Aito-Ai- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking goddammit
Amuuz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, I'm now passing this around the office on Monday!
T-nawtical ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you close your eyes and shake an imaginary salt shaker into your mouth, you can actually taste salt!
wiriux ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck Lol I said it 5 times :(
j0217995 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saw this on a shirt the other day. Laughed at everyone trying it out
Ridgetop18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:15:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
gu- ayyyy you fucker
NoodleofDeath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just got my daughter, that was awesome.
gouvah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:05:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You monster...
thatasian26 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is writing the word gullible under a table (beforehand) and proceed to tell people that it's written under the table.
When you tell then, they won't believe you, or their pride won't believe you, so you can bet them a couple bucks. Either way, they end up looking under the table.
mark_simus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dangit.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We got my mom with this
mobileneophyte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:00:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck you, sir....
Bigbloomonster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Take your damn upvote
BibleLadd ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:03:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does whispering 'gullible' mean that you are the gullible one? Is this an American thing?
FrayedKnot1961 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:22:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. And no.
skydieray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welp, you made me whisper "gullible". I don't hear it though.
pinniped1 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 11:29:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do it a little louder. It eventually works.
Owldolph-Hootler ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 11:15:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wooooosh
bernbabybern13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow Iโm a fucking idiot
straighttoplaid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine wrote gullible on her ceiling during highschool.
Stallrim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! It does not sound like it.
Kitonez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:50 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? Try again but more softly
spinozasrobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar... "Did you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary?"
Shigjetar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite version is "If you say banana really slowly it sounds like gullible."
MrWoofle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clearly Im still kinda gullible, I think "ahh its a gullible joke" and proceed to say it and feel lied to when it doesn't sound like oranges
okgasman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check it out, I wrote the word gullible on my ceiling in that corner
coldcurru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In middle school the version went like this:
"Say the word snowman really slowly and you'll hear the word stupid."
Cue me saying it in my head while the blonde girl next to me was saying it out loud. This was in PE class and some 13 y/o boys were messing with the blonde.
zombychicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a version of this joke where you say something like โDid you know gullible is written on the ceiling?โ. Well at a summer camp I went to as a little kid, some other camper got mad at this joke and literally wrote โgullibleโ on the ceiling on the cabin so he would never get duped again.
Tballs51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a shirt that says this. And whenever I wear it out, people slowly mouth out "gull-i-ble.. That doesn't sound like oranges!"
Daan_1005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
SirGoomy- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I took the bait and Iโm so mad
Liam0904 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My teacher said this to a really dumb classmate of mine and even after we tried to explain it she didnโt get it. She didnโt know what gullible meant.
KenPC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're the reason I have trust issues.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A coworker was talking to me about how she sometimes is really gullible and I responded with this. She then stopped talking while she sounded it out. After she realized what I did, she didn't talk to me much the rest of the day
ghostoo666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It doesnโt tho
I mean I get the joke but this is really just snarky misinformation.
PFC_TubeEar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite variation of this is โhey, look! Someone wrote gullible on the ceiling.โ
ahmong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWowโ
flexylol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOOL..bravo! :)
lahnnabell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg I can't stop laughing now
Miserable_Bugger ยท 1113 points ยท Posted at 12:37:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What did the grape say when someone stepped on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
Q: How many eggs does a French person need? A: One, because thatโs un ลuf.
painfive ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 15:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the second one could be "one egg is un oeuf"
MonteBurns ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 16:39:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is how I have heard it.
Also, brace yourself. I will probably mess it up.
There are two cats on the side of the river, trying to cross it. The first cat, OneTwoThree, makes it. The second cat, UnDeuzTrois cat sank. ;)
One_Of_Noahs_Whales ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:07:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DuexDeux not duez but Ill let you have it, also if you want to be a smart arse to people in future, you can let them know it is ลuf not oeufEdit: typing too fast.....
NatchoFriend ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:17:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be a smartass too? It's deux, not duex.
One_Of_Noahs_Whales ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:19:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
D'Oh
Too busy being a smartass lol
darkbrine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:19:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, in French no one bothers writing "oeuf" with the first letters attached. As a matter of fact, I don't even know how to write it on my phone...
One_Of_Noahs_Whales ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's odd, here I have never seen it written without them attached (Bretagne) guess it may be a locality thing.
darkbrine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Je suppose que vous รชtes plus prรฉcautionneux de l'orthographe prรฉcise que nous autres parisiens ;)
One_Of_Noahs_Whales ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Moi? Bah non, Ma femme ..............
Mon ecriture francais est tres mal, pour le premier, pardon , c'est juste ma femme est insistent je utilise le bonne orthographe!
It's only 3 years I have been trying, I suspect a lot more holds down to being a proud celt than a proud french for her
Hope that make sense, I am much better in spoken French and never had any professional training.
darkbrine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:22 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha ! Good on you for trying hard, one day you'll get it like you were born with it. A lot of things are inverted between French and English, but you're doing quite good, you're understandable, it's all that matters !
themrme1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe I'm slow but I don't get it
melodylucid ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:55:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq".
DemiGod9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:18 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OH! I just could not wrap my head around what that was supposed to mean lol
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 15:56:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SubtleOrange ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP Senator Amidala
clumsyandunstable ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:27:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yay French jokes!
There were 3 cats. One was named onetwothree, another was unodostres, and the third was unduextrois. They were having a swimming race to see who could make it to the other side the fastest. Unodostres came in first, onetwothree came in second, but the last one never made it because the unduextrois quatre cinq.
gwaydms ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:56:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't speak French, just know enough to appreciate these
MrSydFloyd ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:21:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I speak French and it took way too long to understand these...
Jarnagua ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:14:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Waht do the French call analogies involving eggs? An oeuf-anism.
coralmonster ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:48:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a French chicken say when you kick it? Oeuf!
DemiGod9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:56 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It just tried to poule his leg off
TheTreyNelson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:19:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Un ลuf*
One_Of_Noahs_Whales ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:02:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
eddya7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:48:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what type of car does an egg drive?
a yolkswagen
adviceKiwi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:32:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grape one is a good one
polynilium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:54:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roblox death sound.
itszwee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:06:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The French are often underestimated in their toughness. They eat pain for breakfast.
NotADoucheBag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A family of tomatoes was walking and the baby fell behind. The father tomato went back and squished and said โcatch up.โ
Robertpdot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The delivery of the egg joke on the west wing is the best.
emptycollins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
J'aime cette blague
NickLoveRamen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been learning French lately because I have new coworkers from France. When I learned "egg" I told my roommate about it and he created a version of this joke. Makes me really happy that others have found the humor in this phrase lol
oiwot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do Gurus liek their eggs in the morning? .
.
.
OMMM-lette.
PM_ME_UR_TEAPOTS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:23 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reaching 15 years back in my memory for this one so please forgive mistakes.
Can you name a French nursery rhyme? "Un petit d'un petit s'รฉtonne aux Halles"
EnkoNeko ยท 8666 points ยท Posted at 10:35:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know about Murphy's Law?
Yes / No
How about Cole's Law?
...No?
It's thinly sliced cabbage
-Principal-Vagina- ยท 3257 points ยท Posted at 15:26:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what sin city is?
-Yeah, vegas
Do you know what den city is?
-....
Mass over volume
trshtehdsh ยท 449 points ยท Posted at 16:35:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg. I'm from Vegas and I am using this for forever now.
_Serene_ ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:31:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" works during every court visit I heard
SAGNUTZ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:39:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except herpes, that shit follows you for the rest of your LIFE!
Sapian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try this joke out in one of your brothels, for science and report back.
Dino1482 ยท 818 points ยท Posted at 16:58:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know Post Malone?
-Yeah, heโs a rapper
Do you know Ho Malone?
-...No?
Itโs a Christmas movie from the 90s with Macaulay Culkin
Agent________Orange ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 17:55:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates
Post Malone's Postpone Ma Loans
icecream_marijuana ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 18:38:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/wordavalanches
Every3Years ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:48:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The writers of Bojack Horseman are shitting themselves
Jalor218 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:09:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If he does a show with an opening act, would that artist just be Malone?
InsertFurmanism ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His name is satisfying to say.
p5y ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:55:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
nickyobro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:40 on January 1, 2019 ยท (Permalink)
This deserves recognition. I'm sorry it took 135 days.
Andee1112 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:25:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man my friend used this as a pick up line and the guy didnโt know what sin city was. She moved on pretty quick after that...
42Cobras ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:58:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are my den city!
michael_kakam ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:57:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the unit of power?
Are you talking to yourself?
uranusismars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:34:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don-
MOTHERFUCKER
Singing_Sea_Shanties ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:17:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife got me with this recently.
Dangly_Parts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:33:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, that's good
SciviasKnows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:37:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Almost choked on my lunch (โ๏พใฎ๏พ)โ
Curaja ยท 1465 points ยท Posted at 13:27:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don-
MOTHERFUCKER
[deleted] ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 14:50:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Disintegrates
Charishard ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:58:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt feel so good...
Tapan681 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:20:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedthanos
Nyabby22 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:33:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/totallyexpectedthanos
theniceguytroll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PeRfeCTly bAlaNCed
Efpophis ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:20:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, snap.
Nexusgaming3 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes it takes the strongest wills to make the hardest choices
Aerotactics ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:19:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER
khumbaya23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I pictured Dwight shrute.
Onceuponaban ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read it in SovietWomble's voice.
grosenthal25 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 15:32:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a freshman in High School, I told that joke to my friend
and for no apparent reason we laughed so fucking hard the entire class and the next day got separated to the sides of the class room. Wasn't even that funny we just kept laughing
terranq ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:30:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same thing happened to my friend and I, same age. We were both comic book geeks, sitting at a lab bench together during class talking about superheroes, and start talking about combining heroes. One of us mentions Spider-Man/Ghost Rider and came up with Spider-Rider. For some reason, this was the funniest thing ever. We couldn't stop laughing. The teacher kicked us both out of class, and we weren't allowed to sit together after that.
Cockwombles ยท 137 points ยท Posted at 11:54:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol ok you got me
marynraven ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:47:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love your username.
jpar03 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:10:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a joke from Airplane!
CashCop ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:20:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Surely you canโt be serious
jpar03 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 14:21:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am serious and donโt call me Shirley
MankindsError ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:25:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This some kind of bust?
Well, yes it's very impressive. But we need to ask a few questions.
gogers ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:45:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
starts googling coles l-
โDammit.โ
mrkarma4ya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:15:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did not get it pls hlp
gogers ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:25:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Remove the space and the apostrophe and you get coleslaw, a condiment comprised of thinly sliced cabbage and dressing.
antidense ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:17:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cole's law = when dining out, either one person will eat everyone's coleslaw or no one will eat the coleslaw at all.
JaggermanJenson ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:57:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a native and I don't get it. Can someone explain?
aschgar ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 16:02:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Murphyโs law is an actual thing, stating that if something can go wrong, it will sooner or later.
Coleโs law, isnโt a thing, but coleslaw is. Which is a kind of... Salad? Basically.
JaggermanJenson ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:14:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaah thanks fellow redditor! I didn't know the word coleslaw. It's pretty funny now.
In my language you would say "KRAUTSALAT".
phlux ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:43:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call someone who is constantly impersonating a German?
"Krautsalat"
wattpuppy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:27:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the best joke and I'm going to forget it .
Mz-B ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:42:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Listen up u piece of shit
SmartieSquirt ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:19:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to be in the room when someone tells this joke to one of those people who pretends they know everything.
"How about Cole's Law?"
"Oh yeah, tons of times."
Coachcrog ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:20:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the running joke between my GF and I. We'll be sitting there watching a movie and out of nowhere she'll ask about Murphy's law and we both start laughing but she insists on finishing it everytime. It's corny and lame but it reminds me why I love her every time.
n1i2e3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone explain this one.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:07:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cole's Law = Coleslaw, a dish made of thinly sliced lettuce.
n1i2e3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you.
Brock_Alee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:48:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mixed with mayonnaise
ShepherdBond ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:33:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wha-
YOU CHEEKY SON OF A BITCH NICELY DONE
Thewhyofdownvotes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:30:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tried this on my friend. She went on a long rant about how her life is murphyโs law
AndrasZodon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:55:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know about the Cole Protocol, does that count?
ElSapio ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:05:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I scrolled long and hard for this, and here you are.
Cjc0074 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm. Last name is Cole
Kbearforlife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:10:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We have winner
ThatOtherGuyTPM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites
Stallrim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand
EnkoNeko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:43 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw :)
oxpoleon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Friends are engineers, stealing this one for sure.
rhythmrice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I make coleslaw at work i write cole's law on the label, I'm glad to see someone else has thought of that
stitics ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably, all of your coworkers think you donโt know what itโs really called.
rhythmrice ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:05:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dang... You might be right..
ABLovesGlory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Y E S spells yes
What does E Y E S spell?
justonceinmylife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm using this one!
EnkoNeko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:18 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have fun lol :D
marmorikei ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:14:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
idk why but this is the joke in this thread that made me laugh out loud
-2Wamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
me too thanks
BakkenMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao
comounburro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWho wants Manning Coleslaw and/or an explanation as to why thatโs funny?โ
am0x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one wins
bluepandaice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
bone apple tea
Cole-187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
someone called?
The-Shaffy ยท 4143 points ยท Posted at 13:53:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster
________________________________________________
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
ajgrinds ยท 396 points ยท Posted at 15:24:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno, what?
Sundance91 ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 18:38:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIMING!
NuIIPointerException ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 19:33:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy gets it
Chaisz3r0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:00 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's 21:38
FatalisDrakari ยท 272 points ยท Posted at 16:16:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt know if this was an intentional joke subversion but it was fucking hilarious.
chung_my_wang ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 18:41:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, did you know the word gullible doesn't appear in the Webster's Abridged Dictionary?
ajgrinds ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 18:42:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, I didn't let me go check.
Oh hey have u seen the clown that hides from gay people?
lo_and_be ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 19:00:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait reaโ
Dammit
chung_my_wang ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:23:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, he told me not to give away his hiding place to you.
ajgrinds ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:29:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He doesn't talk to straight people
chung_my_wang ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:42:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Must be a lonely life - hides from you and your gay friends, doesn't talk to straight people. Who's left?
ajgrinds ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:43:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk, you?
chung_my_wang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well,I certainly am a Leftie.
BanItAgainSam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joke's on u I'm asexual
chung_my_wang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:54 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad the clown found somebody.
1FucktheNCR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:08:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You just lost the game
stoprockandrollkids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
god dammit
The-Shaffy ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 15:30:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.................
PM_YOUR_BEST_JOKES ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:01:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIMING!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:36:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pulled this one on a co-worker and it took way too long. Eventually he gave up and I had to explain it
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 16:02:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Mr_Trustable ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 16:22:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to say it's just playing along with the joke, also 4 Os
ryana8 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:18:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that woooosh belongs to you, mang.
ItsDezyre ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:28:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The woosher got wooshed
jedipony1 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:29:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ironic. He could save others from being whooshed, but not himself
plsrespectkaren ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:51:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:06:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/woooosh
GeekTechnique ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:38:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This looks like a signature on a Christian chat board.
The-Shaffy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:45:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, I've heard that toasters are very popular on those things
[deleted] ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 16:08:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
The-Shaffy ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:32:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but the title specifically asked for clean jokes!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:56:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
CheckoTP ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:01:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does eating a biscuit mean something dirty?
4LostSoulsinaBowl ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:04:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Google "soggy biscuit"
jacyerickson ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 17:21:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, not going to do it. I think I've learned my lesson not to google things reddit tells me to.
Aetherdestroyer ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:55:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good call.
Manlyarmpits ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:05:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a description would suffice, keep reading. It is disgusting though. A group of men stand in a circle, place a biscuit in the middle, and use their bodily fluids to coat said biscuit. The last person to finish doing that which makes your palms hairy and sight perish, gets punished by eating the soggy biscuit. Quite the party game.
EldritchCarver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:48 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this traditionally done with American biscuits (soft and leavened) or European biscuits (hard and unleavened)?
jacyerickson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:05 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Humans are strange....
The-Shaffy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:40:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never Google 'soggy biscuit'
Dedod_2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or โicky cookieโ
ImpossibleAdz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:21:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also Ookie Cookie
drinkit_or_wearit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So we went with the Christ, Lord and Savior talking about his disciples cumming? I believe we failed the clean bit already.
KryptoniteDong ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
EWWWWWWWWWW (LIMP\BIZKIT))
definitly-not-gay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is more my pace.....
skadi-the-huntress ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:46:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather told me this one as "Jesus called Lazarus forth, but he came fifth and lost the race," which, now that I think about it, doesn't make a lot of sense, in terms of race rules...maybe when he laughed, he laughed at what a dim grandchild he had.
The-Shaffy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:50:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But Grandad jokes are like Dad Jokes 2.0
Bernie427 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:55:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is very funny. You made my Reddit today.
vanellopevon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:35:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Robert Rankin Joke!
mister-faded-glory ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:09:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And James came last, and had to eat the biscuit.
0range_julius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:43:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The John one is one of my favorite jokes of all time.
Lucinnda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:35:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of rhetorical question is that?
BanItAgainSam ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:21:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you even know what a rhetorical question is?
Lucinnda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:44:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who do you think I am?
BanItAgainSam ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:45:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who do you think you are?
Lucinnda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:10 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you even know who I am?
The-Shaffy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People we have someone here who doesn't know who they are. If anyone travelling with them can come to the ticket desk and assist it would be greatly appreciated
Lucinnda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:50:33 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And please let us know if you didn't hear this announcement.
czar_the_bizarre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He probably already had one too. Guess it's his bathtub toaster now.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:40:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favourites
vecdran ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stole this from the last big joke thread, can confirm, gets a laugh every time!
klydegoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*John came fifth and ate the muffin
Jaffacakelover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In our version, he won a teapot.
Source: British
The-Shaffy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm British too!
Jaffacakelover ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And here I assumed not, because Americans don't know what a teapot is (or a kettle).
The-Shaffy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:39:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My children believe I'm 90% tea, 10% sarcasm
Ralphy2011 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one seems like an Eddie Izzard joke
mastersword83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steve came 6th and had to eat the biscuit
redditpossible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing.
PossibleOil ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:55:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No
Kaibakura ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 17:43:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have never found this one funny. I really donโt understand where the humor comes from that makes it so popular.
_Rowdy ยท 1513 points ยท Posted at 12:58:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife handed me two kayak paddles the other day and asked which one I wanted. I replied "either, oar"
_Rowdy ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 12:59:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My belt broke the other day, it was a real let down
_Rowdy ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 13:00:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friends tell me I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time.
_Rowdy ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 13:01:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In fairness to them, I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around
_Rowdy ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 13:02:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't the bike stand on its own? It's two tired
_Rowdy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 13:03:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence
_Rowdy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:06:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What do you call a walk with no legs? A sit
_Rowdy ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:07:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow that jumped over barbed wire? An udder disaster
_Rowdy ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:07:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field
_Rowdy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:08:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do call a man with no legs? Whatever you want, he can't chase you
_Rowdy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:08:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Same place you left him
_Rowdy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:10:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend handed me his epipen not long before he drew his last breath after an allergic reaction. Seemed important to him that I have it
_Rowdy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:11:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad was a great inspiration to me. Even while we were trying to figure out what blood type he was ss he was bleeding out, he insisted we "be positive"
AC_Logic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:47:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean
broken_neck_broken ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:24:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True story and one of my proudest moments... At the seaside one of my friends pointed out to sea and asked "is that a schooner or a yacht". I said "it's boat"
birdnerd ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:30:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oars are different from paddles tho.
King_Toot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Remind me not to tell a joke around you, mr technicality
Vrathal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:42:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, just as a reminder, don't tell a joke around /u/birdnerd.
dupelize ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:52 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just learned that an oar and a paddle can be basically the same thing if they have one blade. Then it depends how they are used. But in this situation we are talking about kayak paddles which have two blades, so they can't be oars.
1600ASA ยท 813 points ยท Posted at 13:26:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The ceremony was okay but the reception was great.
kungfusansu ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:12:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear that the invisible man and invisible woman got married? Great party but the kids aren't much to look at
Ralphy2011 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:45:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just read this in Arin from game grumps gruff joke voice ๐
NursesLie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:12:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The plural of antenna is antennae, fyi
[deleted] ยท 10189 points ยท Posted at 10:36:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 1465 points ยท Posted at 13:02:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Todd is asexual though
Ps4smitelol ยท 1098 points ยท Posted at 13:35:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shut up Todd
732 ยท 352 points ยท Posted at 14:28:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The painting was a gift Todd! I'm taking it with me!
mp1982 ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 16:35:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I made a painting for you. I call it โcelebration.โ Its sexual and violent
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:45:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let's play tummy sticks.
Olddawg90 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 18:00:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs tummy sticks? I donโt want to play tummy sticks!
pipsdontsqueak ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:40:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would that make you love me?!?!
SKINNERRRR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's a homo.
emptycollins ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:07:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to go back to my room and paint... homo things!
lost_cays ยท 124 points ยท Posted at 15:06:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't KNOW MARGO!
MankindsError ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:22:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bend over and I'll show ya'
sports_is_life ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:10:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You got a lot of nerve talking to me like that!"
"I wasn't talking to you"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:46:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Merry Christmas! Shitter's full!
Papa-Brisket ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:29:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something broke the window SOMETHING hit the stereo!
Wahots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:14:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And why is there water all over the carpet?!
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:31:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clean up your shit
wHatTheFez ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 16:44:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Season 5 comes out on September 14th!
MykolJTB ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:31:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you!!
wHatTheFez ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:20:16 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome :)
zando95 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:45:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Out of the loop here, what is the reference?
Amazin_Raisin ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:55:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bojack Horseman. It's a fantastic show and it's on Netflix if you wanna check it out.
zando95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:21:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have been meaning to watch it for ages.
Amazin_Raisin ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:25:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man. It's probably one of the best animated shows I've seen in a while.
WeathermanDan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best shows, for me
that_is_so_Raven ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:02:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Terrific show. Horrible subreddit. It's all depression memes
Amazin_Raisin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:06:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never visited it. I'll take your word on it tho. I'm depressed enough without it seeping into my memes
phatboy5289 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:08:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I highly disagree. It's one of the few fanbases I don't actively avoid, but I suppose it all comes down to personal preference.
dustinthegreat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:06:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed, they keep it light hearted for the most part, and they don't overdo the shit posts. Mental health and depression is a major theme in the show, so there's naturally a lot of discussion about those issues.
Amazin_Raisin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:09:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well now I'm conflicted
phatboy5289 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check out the subreddit, and if you don't like it don't visit again. Can't imagine one look will ruin your life haha
Powerserg95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fan base is why i never watcher rick and morty
Amazin_Raisin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:54:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That makes me v happy. Thank you for this information
wHatTheFez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:04 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are very welcome :)
DoctorAcula_42 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:04:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hooray!
liampointfive ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:16:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...question mark?
Frozendeath405 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:09:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit and a Netflix series in the same comment thread. What is this a crossover episode?
Scooter411 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:05:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clean up your shit Todd
foxtrottits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
None taken.
GraphicNomad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I though this was a community reference as well.
Iheartjimjames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please tell me this is a Flight of the Conchords reference
JuhaJGam3R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Buy my game first
Krizzy213 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! Me & Todd are cool now..
Hillionairemasz ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 16:16:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
R/unexpectedbojack
deadly_inhale ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 14:08:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We call them Aces and they enjoy nautical themes.
Narcissa_ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:46:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hooooorraaayy.... Question mark?
childishnemo ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 13:35:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A sexual what? Dynamo? Deviant?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:20:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HARASSMENT LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN?!
felixvelariusbos ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Asexual, meaning they aren't interested in sex.
kwidem ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:50:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you don't get the reference. That's fine. It's from a great show called Bojack Horseman. It's a depressing comedy on Netflix which you should totally check out.
felixvelariusbos ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:43:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did totally miss the reference, but I know the show you're talking about! Will check it out. I will go ahead and /r/whoosh myself
kwidem ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:58:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People miss things sometimes ยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ it just annoys me when redditors whack people with the stick of disapproval for doing it.
gamerman85 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 14:28:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoosh
TwenyTweny ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:17:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who is this tough crowd you've brought into my home?
bastugubbar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:17:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wait is todd a deviant?? omg fantheories are insane.
(this is a refrence, i am not insane)
acecatmom98 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:22:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He could still be gay though!
Source: am gay asexual
crastle ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:06:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm confused on how this is possible. I thought asexual meant that you didn't have attraction to any gender.
Sorry that this sounds insensitive. I'm not trying to say that you're wrong. I didn't know that asexuality was a thing until a few years ago and I'm genuinely curious to learn more about it. I thought I understood it pretty well, but your comment shows me that I still have a lot to learn.
whiterice336 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:10:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Asexual would mean not interested in sex. Aromantic would mean not experiencing romantic feelings. Presumably the other poster is romantically interested in men but does not feel the desire to have sex with them
manfromanother-place ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:10:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs fine! (Iโm asexual too) Asexual just means you donโt have sexual attraction to anyoneโyou could have just a purely romantic relationship, so a โgay asexualโ would be someone who is only interested in romantic relationships with those of the same gender.
Vendeith ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:13:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So they would be considered homoromantic in that particular case?
alienbanter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:25:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep!
thisisgoing2far ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:25:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or "gaysexual," if you will.
acecatmom98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:56:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's fine, not insensitive at all :)
I'm not sexually attracted to anyone but still very much want a romantic relationship with other women.
sweeppick09 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:36:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well now heโs gonna go take one of his angry naps
2018Blunami ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:51:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Todd isn't.
toddtime.com
sweet_dumple ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.
CLearyMcCarthy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:51:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoooray non-binary orientations!
SolidLikeIraq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ronny B!
JoshuaIan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hooray! A Todd episode!
llamas-are-bae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/UnexpectedBojack
muffjazz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/UnexpectedBojack
Aries_218 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I was asexual. Maybe then I wouldn't have a strain of herpes.
ThisGuyMightGetIt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have several str-
ncnotebook ยท -19 points ยท Posted at 13:22:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What, does he fuck rocks or something?
IAreDrugs ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:57:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The prefix 'a' means no. So no, he doesn't fuck rocks. Or anything.
ncnotebook ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:59:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, to be pedantic, some asexual people can still enjoy sex. And can have preferences for some genders.
IAreDrugs ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:18:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, you're right. Looked it up and it just means that they don't feel sexual attraction. Doesn't mean they can't have it, doesn't mean they can't enjoy it, and they often still have it to be intimate with their partner. But I guess it'd realistically only be done for the sensation, connection, or societal/peer pressure.
alessandro_673 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:46:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently most people who are asexual are aromantic as well and so they don't usually do it at all. Only saying this because I have a friend who told me she was aromantic and I did some research on it as a result.
plopterd ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:57:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did she smell nice then?
alessandro_673 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:07:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Lovely.
(I also made this joke when she told me)
loopsydoopsy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:05:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As an asexual woman, this is spot on! Except I don't do it because of peer pressure, just because it feels good and for intimacy.
Pulsecode9 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:22:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are those not the usual reasons...?
loopsydoopsy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:26:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but the difference with me is that I don't feel any sexual attraction. In fact, I don't experience any sort of arousal at all unless I am physically stimulated in some way.
Pulsecode9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definite TIL. Thank you.
loopsydoopsy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:36:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No problem! I love when people are open to hearing about my sexuality. You don't know how many people have assumed that I'm lying or told me that I'm just trying to insert myself into the lgbt community. I'm not, this is just how I am.
Pulsecode9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not going to lie, my gut reaction was more skeptical. But watching the gatekeeping, infighting and turf wars (TERF wars?) in the LGBT community is queasymaking at the best of times, and at the end of the day I've got no dog in the fight.
By my prior understanding, I wouldn't have considered what you've described as asexuality - but it'd be the height of arrogance to think my outside understanding is more valid than your inside understanding!
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:14:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It means he self-reproduces via budding.
IAreDrugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:19:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In terms of biology, but not in terms of human sexuality.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:22:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No one said we were talking about one over the other.
IAreDrugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:29:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's heavily implied that Todd is a human, in which case, he could not asexually reproduce. If he could, he would not be human, no matter how human-like he may seem.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where is that? Where is any feature about Todd other than his asexuality stated? You could just as easily be talking about my pet jellyfishes.
Psycho_Pants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Todd most people in this thread are referring to is a character in Bojack Horseman. Who discovers he is an asexual human
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man, if only somebody specified their intent this clearly and concisely in the first place.
IAreDrugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:38:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's why I said implied and not stated. There's no indication that these friend are of another species, so we assume they're not. Yes, I very well could be talking about a non-human. But in what world is that the norm in this context?
BlasphemyIsJustForMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who ever said this guy who's friend is named Todd is normal? Maybe our dude who has a friend named Todd is one of the weird ones who walks around with a wooden Plank...
TheSuperWig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:54:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's Johnny ya dingus
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here, and in any world where we talk about asexuality as the norm, because it's significantly more likely for an asexually-reproducing animal to be asexually-reproducing than it is for a human to be asexual.
Asexual humans make up a fragment of humans, whereas nearly half of all animals reproduce asexually. If anything, it's implied we're talking about something non-human because of how overwhelmingly larger the base of asexually-reproducing animals are to asexually oriented humans.
IAreDrugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The likeliness of a random person being asexually oriented has nothing to do with whether or not Todd is human. The fact that he has a name and is involved with a group of friends - one of which is able to type on a computer - does. Especially considering the context, which is discussing human sexual orientation while failing to mention bestiality.
Cliffracers ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:27:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/gayfortodd
King_Barrion ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 15:58:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're thinking he's cute now but you won't be thinking that when you're tied up in a cart with Todd Howard running away in the distance
Bobboy5 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're finally awake!
King_Barrion ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:26:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You were trying to cross the border right?
PyrZern ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:56:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's him; Ulrich von Lichtenstein, from Galderan.
le_fuque ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐ตAnd he comes from Galderan!๐ต
bananastanding ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:48:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the setup: "In every group of friends, there's always one gay guy who doesn't know he's gay."
Irememberedmypw ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 12:55:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bi the way so is Jenny!
Another_libation ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 14:49:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bi-derman, Bi-derman,
Doing whatever a Bi-derman can,
Kiss a guy? Sure why not
But he still thinks, girls are hot
Watch out!!
Here comes the Bi-derman
Edit: you know you sang it.... Itโs ok, I did it again just coming back to do this edit.
Siavel84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:06 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like you.
Another_libation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:25 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like you too
Leneord1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:54:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know Jenny could speak
Cm_Punk_SE ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:32:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Off topic but that's the name that brings back soo many reddit memories.
Insecurity-Guard ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:18:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Show The Todd some love.
le_fuque ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:25:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
High five!
Insecurity-Guard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
winces and holds wrist in agony
shutts67 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:14:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a gay guy on this job site. If you kiss me, I'll tell you who it is
debtitor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:03:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It is Todd. He closed his eyes when I kissed him.
EntwinedTodd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
;)
Poe_the_Penguin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:55:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's also a psycho in every group of friends. If I knew who he was I'd kill him.
Sumsar1 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:18:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They say 10% of people live next to a pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two really hot 12-year-olds
DarthRegoria ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:04:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I heard this in Jimmy Carrโs voice.
lildhansen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/gayfortodd
Gurgatory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs straight, his wife left him FOR A FUCKING ACCOUNTANNTTTTTT
svxxo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awwwwwww!
RenzelTheDamned ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:04:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Todd Howard.
thy_liberator315 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thats what she said
ZinchyO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nephew!
Bobdasquid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Todd forces you to buy Skyrim though
ArcticShep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch that's a bit of a risk
fwing88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's my favorite.
unknownyoyo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Darn it, that one actually made me chuckle.
AnImproversation ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:56:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did it say?
unknownyoyo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:44:13 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt remember the exact wording, but it said, โMy friends keep saying there is a gay guy in our group. I hope itโs Todd, cause he is fucking cute!โ
toddmhardin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. That made my day.
Bone_Dice_in_Aspic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
speaker could be female tho
Cyberhyper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If she was, she wouldn't hope he was gay, ostensibly
Bone_Dice_in_Aspic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yaoi fangirl?
Cyberhyper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
or that
Charsca ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:54:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to think about that haha read it twice ๐
Yanny_or_Laurel ยท -28 points ยท Posted at 14:05:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You female?
regularshitpostar ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 14:24:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why would a hetero girl hope that Todd is the gay one
Yanny_or_Laurel ยท -25 points ยท Posted at 14:26:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cuz hes cute
davy1jones ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:02:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gay?
Yanny_or_Laurel ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 16:09:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i am not
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
Yanny_or_Laurel ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:33:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
eagles are super bowl champs
_thats_not_me_ ยท 7215 points ยท Posted at 11:13:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dogs tail fell off last week, so I took him to walmart. I heard they're one of the biggest retailers in the world.
silly_weird ยท 611 points ยท Posted at 14:55:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
imatworkbuthatedefau ยท 422 points ยท Posted at 16:43:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
rosyeyedryan ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 17:35:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Markantilism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaaaand release.
McLovin_EmDawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Messed it up lol
Markantilism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think i did too.
McLovin_EmDawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And structure
CSKING444 ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 17:47:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edghyatt ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:25:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We did it reddit!
Peace_Is_Coming ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:05:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's already told us this story two comments up. Do you work for Walmart perchance? They're one of the biggest re-tale-ers in the world.
throwawaykeepanyway ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:31:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does it smell?
Siavel84 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:50:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awful!
jalerre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:46:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Think of the smell! You haven't thought of the smell, you bitch!
oldnorthwoodsman ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:55:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why, did you have him detailed?
ground__contro1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nice
felixthecat128 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 17:40:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, i wasnโt sure what that first sentence said. But now i am sure
Show-Me-Your-Moves ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 16:48:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This comment is way funnier than the joke
plaid-knight ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:09:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I legit laughed harder at that comment than any joke in this post.
TheSinningRobot ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 17:37:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you explain it to us less clever folk?
plaid-knight ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 17:52:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The dog's tail falling off is alluded to so casually in the jokeโas if it's something that routinely happens and has to be addressedโdespite it being an absolutely absurd premise, since dog tails don't fall off.
justin_144 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:48:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because why would your dogs tail fall off?
liberulo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:33:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Diabetes?
rkelly74 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:59:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More like DOGabetes, amirite?
xoriginal-usernamex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:29:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no
justin_144 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:09:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Negative
lordkoba ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:51:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
cancer
numiru ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:39:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ooooopsies!!!!!!
CapnCheesecake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Take him to Walmart then
tsagalbill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
,
Phreakhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ohwell2hell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
to get to the other side
Fofo336 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:58:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dang it
Shufflebuzz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:33:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog has no nose.
"How does he smell?"
Just awful!
3jt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:20:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oof
shockandAWD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't take your cat there... It's illegal to retail pussy.
MannahBanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read this one 3 times before I finally got it but then I legitimately lol'd.
Dirtylittlesecret88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup that's a knee slapper.
Arcanejo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read in Walken's voice
VictusFrey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just recently heard this joke from an image post of a aligator that lost its a tail.
emptycollins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is hecking amazing
schaumann ยท 12364 points ยท Posted at 13:30:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just found out I was colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Anonizzle ยท 359 points ยท Posted at 15:49:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay this one actually made me laugh the most it's so simple
etymologynerd ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:42:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was so good it made me yellow with envy that I didn't make a joke that good
Z1rith ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ya, like 30 seconds of chuckling after a solid laugh
wandapec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:54:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too. Brilliant!
corptio ยท 998 points ยท Posted at 15:48:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heuheuheuheuheuheuheu
etfreima ยท 630 points ยท Posted at 16:13:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huehuehuehue
corptio ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 16:14:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ma maaan
Canana_Man ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:43:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alexa play "Sonic CD - Stardust Speedway Bad Future"
AnthropomorphicPenis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:22:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
American or Japanese version?
Canana_Man ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:41:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read context comments
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:46:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like we got different hues
StandUpForYourWights ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:56:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saigon. I was still in Saigon...
Cola_Doc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:12:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I think Iโm going to wake up back in the jungle...
I_AM_PLUNGER ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:36:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hughehughehughehughehughe
gmcassell ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:43:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HYUKHYUKHYUKHYUKHYUKHYUK
magis55 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hyunh hyunh hyunh hyunh
redditpossible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck
Fozzybear513 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/UnexpectedTommyTaffy
GayPudding ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I get some jajas in the chat?
ravia ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 16:06:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do people spell laughing this way?
corptio ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:13:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's a kind of laughing where u are actually not really laughing
ravia ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:16:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't really understand that, nor how to pronounce it.
corptio ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:21:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pronounce? There isn't really a proper way to pronounce that kind of internet shit .. most important thing is conveying the message .. and its mostly written any way .. but if u really wanna know I think its repeatingly saying (hue) why sounding like a single Male duck having a cold, that hasnt mated for at least 2 seasons ;) cheers
ravia ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:22:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well that kinda turned me on.
corptio ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:23:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hahaha .. welllllllll, I didn't know u had a fetish for Male ducks lol...
ravia ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:25:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neither did I til you came along.
killingisbad ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:10:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huehuehue
justin_144 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:50:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heuheuheuheuheuh
Cinemaphreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Watch The Simpsons? You know the hillbilly family? This is how they would laugh....
JatinakaJoJo ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 16:17:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Watch one piece
ravia ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gee that really helped...NOT. ๐ค
phlux ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:48:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Color me impressed with the shade you're throwing.
PetrRabbit ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:41:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always just imagine Seth Rogan laughing
5867898duncan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:31:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because he is making a color pun
msKashcroft ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what I thought too but its spelled "hue" not "heu"
TaxCollector ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:44:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the Brazilian (all Portuguese?) version of hahaha, like jajaja is in Spanish. I'm not sure what made it popular, though. I mostly think of the image of the lizard laughing like that.
takethecannoli4 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:48:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a Brazilian thing. I know cause Iโm one.
aruke- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:27:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are a Brazilian thing?
takethecannoli4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am indeed!
Twelve20two ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard that that's how Brazilians write out laughter, but that could've been racist ilk against Brazilians
Beau87 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:48:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's true.
Source: gamed against Brazilians occasionally over the past 20 years and questions of "BR?" speaking Portuguese, and laughing in huehuehues was common. I also appreciate your willingness to acknowledge that your thought may stem from racism. Think of their huehuehues in a similar way to the way Russians say Da, the Dutch say Ja, and the Canadians say Ya. It's all Yes but the combination of language, accent, and linguistics form it differently when trying to recreate it in writing. Onomonapeas tend to vary wildly because of this.
mostoriginalusername ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is making fun of Brasilians on online games. That's how they laugh. Brasilians ruined thousands of online StarCraft games in the 90s for everybody and nobody forgets. They're probably still ruining every FIFA game to this day. Not racist at all here, it's just that's an internet truth. Also yes, Brasilian is how actual Brasilians spell it.
XpertPwnage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:13:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jajajajajajaja
notmyrealnam3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They donโt
index24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought he was making a pun about hues.
Summerclaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I guess people laugh different in other countries. Ma maaam Ma maaaan Ma maaaan๐๐๐
Oil_Rope_Bombs ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:29:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
alguem Br?
CrossBreedP ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:45:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Huehuehuehuehuehue
darexinfinity ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:22:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude's colorblind, he can't see hue.
louster9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huehuehuehue?
FTFY
warm_sock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huehuehue
Ur_X ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
exactly my laugh
Engracaded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brazilian detected
DakotaRayne ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:30:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Random thought, we all see the same colors, but do we see in the same hue/saturation?
Could my blue be someone else's purple? Could my green be someone else's red? et cetera.
nothing_to_feel_here ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:40:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've thought this alot. It's weird how many stupid f'ed up thoughts you have and then you realize you're not alone.
Kiqjaq ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:48:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, absolutely. In fact, we have no clue whatsoever about any part of our minds feeling similar or different. Maybe your pain feels like my pleasure, but you hate pleasure as much as I hate pain for some reason. We'd never know.
Wittgenstein expounded a lot on this idea, coming to the conclusion that a lot of human language is basically meaningless, since we have no way to check if our terms have even similar meanings.
Wittgenstein invites readers to imagine a community in which the individuals each have a box containing a "beetle". "No one can look into anyone else's box, and everyone says he knows what a beetle is only by looking at his beetle."
Eski57 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:34:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Says this joke.
Girl: Came out of the purple?
Me: Yeah, like it came out of the blue.
Girl: But aren't you color blind?
Me: It was the joke, I said purple cause I am color blind.
Girl: Oh haha.
Java_Beans ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:57:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yea sorry man. You should leave her.
Fatalstryke ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:24:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna use the color yellow since blue yellow is a type of colorblindness. Thanks for the joke.
PM_ME_UR_NUDES_YEP ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:05:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got me, simple yet effective
Emilklister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sudden jokes are the best imo.
rosyeyedryan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:32:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you just red too much into it.
1q2w3e4r5t6y7i8i9o0p ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:54:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I make ink for a printing company, I deal with vendors daily, be vendors monthly; this is going to be my new icebreaker!
JagoAldrin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:12:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who regularly struggles between blue and purple, I feel this on a deeply personal level.
joeydunn22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!redditsilver
DreamingOfNeverland ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As the token colourblind of the group things โcome completely out of the purpleโ quite often when weโre together.. never the less this never fails to result in at least a giggle. It never gets old
TomTom2552 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:19:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't a color blind person not know that its purple? Wouldn't they see purple and think its blue since everyone says its blue?
msKashcroft ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:49:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No it's more like the colors are muted, not as vibrant as they really are. Or against each other. Like my brother is red-green color blind. He can't see the red flowers in a green bush but he can tell the difference when they aren't together. But again not as vibrant.
TomTom2552 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know how it actually works but I'm saying would they know that purple is actually blue the the joke suggests
Euchre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Considering purple is actually the junction/mix of blue and red light, and most colorblindness involves either red or blue, someone colorblind isn't likely to see purple at all...
Bandwidth_Wasted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think his point is wouldn't they associate the Grey color that they see a purple object as being as their own purple?
hbgoddard ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:53:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the record, I'm colorblind and can't see purple, but it isn't gray. Purple just looks like blue to me.
Euchre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is your technical variety of colorblindness called?
hbgoddard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have red-green colorblindness, but I don't know specifically if it's deuteranomaly or deuteranopia (though I suspect it's the latter).
PM_ME_COCKTAILS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:03:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Very few colorblind people only see in greyscale
PM_ME_COCKTAILS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:05:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm colorblind and I can tell you an anecdote that may help.
Friend and I were in JC Penney and passed the ties.
"Wow this tie is SUPER blue!"
"Bro it's purple"
"Dammit."
Sometimes I'm right, other times not so much.
ThatFanficGuy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a story about Twister I saw on Reddit. They were playing the game, and a color-blind guy was in charge. They kept playing, and in the middle of the game the guy goes "I mean, I hope I'm calling these right..."
mightyraz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lollll
quazifrog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one I actually laughed at. Well done. Should be higher.
NoDramaAllowed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just told this to a coworker. Had no idea he was colorblind.
thatJainaGirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm colorblind and I love this joke.
lasoxrox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP couldn't see the red flags
Cinemaphreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Going to use this but go with either orange or green as the punchline so it's not even close to blue. And on that pedantic note.....
GaryMTT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Other version with grey ..still a winner
schaumann ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I also heard a version with yellow
Roscoe_P_Trolltrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grey version especially popular if youโre a dog.
GoneZombie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Completely out of the wine-dark sea.
Nodyarbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a colour blind person, will be using this later, thanks!
peachyfuzzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah!
Amazing, one I hadn't heard before.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:33:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rofl
trshtehdsh ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:36:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one actually made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
paellafitzgerald ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is good.
Electricspiral ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:10:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of an old movie with this lady who was accused of murder but even though she didn't do it her agent/lawyer was like "welll..... u wanna be famous yea? Well then take the rap, but we'll spin it....." and when she's recounting her story to reporters, she says something like, "And then everything went... purple." And everyone's all like "oh purple. Of course! Purple. So interesting and a fresh take. Purple!" Or whatever
Chuckles52 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:17:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think โpurpleโ has too many syllables. The key to the joke is a quick release with a pause before getting the joke. The better joke format is: My eye doctor told me I was color blind, boy that came out of the green.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:30:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
hbgoddard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then it's not a joke
XTREMEPOTATO103 ยท 1327 points ยท Posted at 13:15:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it? Iโm a cashew
Brutal_Cookiez ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 17:19:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cashew ouโside, how โbout dat?
bridgebones ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:46:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
PurplePentapus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:39:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there
Cash
Cash who
No thanks I prefer peanuts
im_catherine ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:19:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cashews are actually legumes
js30a ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:12:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, they're drupes. So are walnuts, almonds, pistachios, and coconuts. Peanuts, Manila nuts, monkey nuts, Brazil nuts, and horse chestnuts are legumes though.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/the-filter/qi/8434868/QI-Quite-interesting-facts-about-nuts.html
redditpossible ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 19:20:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing.
im_catherine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, thank you! Those facts were quite interesting
santaliqueur ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:41:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet you are not very fun at the parties you are accidentally invited to
speakshibboleth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:00:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you'll find that they're mollusks.
Zebulen15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gastropoda to be exact.
GlobalWarmer12 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:03:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, son. I was shot in the armumes.
isthisirc ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:39:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NO
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this one ๐
Trunx81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why am Iโm wearing nuts every end of the week? Itโs cashew Friday
MTH- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cash me outside how bout da
mildly_amusing_goat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Nogardknight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that cashews come from a fruit
Way2Competitive ยท 9405 points ยท Posted at 12:36:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into a bar and says โIโll have a rum....................and cokeโ
The barman says โwhy the big pause?โ
The bear replies โDunno, I was born with themโ
Stay_Beautiful_ ยท 3213 points ยท Posted at 16:01:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a rum and coke"
The bartender says "Is Pepsi ok?"
The customer replies: "Sure, that sounds fine"
So the bartender gives him a Pepsi and Coke
nomorefucks2give ยท 267 points ยท Posted at 16:47:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says, give me a bottle of your cheapest whiskey. Alcoholism is ruining his life.
PM_your_randomthing ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 17:02:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is no joke like an anti joke.
But that's a lie because there are many jokes exactly like an anti joke.
RockFourFour ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 18:00:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, this guy was beating his wife...but there's nothing funny about domestic violence.
tinkerer13 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 18:14:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless... no there is nothing funny about domestic violence
icer816 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:19:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 years. His father must've finally gone too far. F
jpterodactyl ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 19:08:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โNick Kroll, Bill Hader, and Seth Rogen walk into a bar. Theyโre there to pick me up because Iโm an alcoholic who canโt manage my feelings.
Nailed you fuckers! Suck a butt!โ
-Andy Samberg, during the roast of James Franco
no_modest_bear ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 16:53:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A son weeps over his father's grave. Cancer has taken so many, what a cruel way to go.
palmtr335 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:53:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh dark, I like it!
Arxevia ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:53:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedgamegrumps
2FnFast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedstrangerthingsongamegrumps
C-Star ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 17:16:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a real life story about this. Earlier this year I was at a reception for a baptism and there was an open bar with juice,tea, coffee and soda. I went up and ordered a diet coke and a Sprite. Dude mixed both in one glass. I was so dumbfounded I didn't even say anything. It was real hard explaining to my brother why I didn't get him a drink.
Edit: Damn phone keyboard, fixed some spelling.
lo_and_be ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 17:27:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I feel itchy.
C-Star ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dont worry there's a cream for that. ;)
BattleStag17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:26:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So how did it taste?
C-Star ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:08 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It wasnt bad, but It wasnt good either. I'm pretty sure I drank it but didn't enjoy it.
Corona21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:56:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Germany Fanta mixed with Coke is a thing, but Coke and Sprite? I never heard of it
SAGNUTZ ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 16:59:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender "Hey, what's your wifi password?"
The bar tender says "You have to buy a drink first."
So the says "ok, ill have a coke."
Bar tender asks "is Pepsi ok?"
The says "Sure.. Whatever. So can I get that password now?"
Bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all one word, no spaces"
ANGLVD3TH ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 18:01:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the wifi password?
FOURWORDSALLLOWERCASE, one word, all uppercase.
DanielSkyrunner ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:05:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rocketjump5G
RSbananaman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a normal passwo-- NO!!
Onceuponaban ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 20:05:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the same vein, setting your wifi password to 2444666668888888 then telling people your password is "one two three four five six seven eight".
Casehead ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:24:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha!
ISayISayISay ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:01:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of the old classic joke in the film Ninotchka, where our man is trying to get Greta Garbo to laugh, so he tells her this joke:
There's a man and in a cafe, and he asks: "Waiter, can I have a coffee without milk please". They waiter says "Sure", but returns a minute later and says: "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of milk, can it be without cream instead?"
thatJainaGirl ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:37:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a party and someone asked me what I had to drink. I said "half a rum and Coke." They asked if they could have the other half.
So I gave them the Coke.
secreeeeeeet ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The real joke is the man's willingness to drink Pepsi and rum.
voodoobiscuits ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:17:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This actually happened. Customer asked the waitress for a bitter lemon. She brought him a bit of lemon.
sarah-xxx ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:59:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He ended up snorting half of the drink and downing the other. And let me tell you, it was a MESS!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:47:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed way too much at this
stinku_skunku ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am laughing like an idiot at this. Don't know why this one is the funniest in the thread for me.
irlingStarcher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:46:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this rant discussion on/r/bartenders about people ordering a "Jack and Coke with makers" or something. Obviously they mean "whisky and coke with makers" but it actually implies mixing jack and makers and Coke
SavingsLow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The man pays with Monopoly money anyway, because he's an asshat.
Spikeknows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ass top-hat?
stitics ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:42:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An ass fedora.
numiru ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HUEHUEHUEHUE
Nugule ยท 136 points ยท Posted at 15:41:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your jeans must be high and tight.
GoodguyGerg ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:27:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Piss on me
Sleviin ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:44:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beat me
Demented3 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:46:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TRY IT OUT!
lorddoucheflute ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:55:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Homieahnow
IndigoGosRule ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:03:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Homie on out
lorddoucheflute ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:17:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoe me on out
Afrid_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoe a man out
lorddoucheflute ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Home here now
SamCropper ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:49:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's the deal, man
Icandothemove ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:57:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4 stroke gang represent
stue0064 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:13:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you wanna move in, you can move in.
Afrid_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya get a lease and a key
GoodguyGerg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:17:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need to be fucked, alot
banana_stand_manager ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:43:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try it out try it out man
Princeofgrime ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:59:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi, Hitler
Icandothemove ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:58:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey mommy
CTownKyle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:01:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks mommy
IAmDaleGribble ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:07:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Hitler
The_Golden_Warthog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:22:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MACHINES WITHIN
Malted_Milk_Ballsack ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:43:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I start this one out differently.
A bear and a horse are in a bar, and the bear asks the horse how his day was. Horse says his wife left him, he's not feeling great, etc. Horse asks the bear how he is doing. The bear says "Well.............pretty good." The horse asks, "Why the long pause?"
Claud6568 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:21:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good but I think it might be even better.
After the horse says all that the bear should say โoh well that explains the long face thenโ
Malted_Milk_Ballsack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:49:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah you can incorporate the two but I was more going for the bait and switch, more people have heard the long face and think you're going there, and the paws gets them by surprise.
Claud6568 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooh. Very good point.
Claud6568 ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 14:39:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That made me literally LOL. thank you!
IdLikeToGetOffNow ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:22:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/vMyYboiD2vY
Claud6568 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:20:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg that is so going to be me the first time I tell this joke!
can_and_am ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhhahaha!
LeeTheGoat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:21:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Care to explain?
EDIT: nvm I get it
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ChulaK ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:42:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why the big pause(paws)?
I was born with them.
iagox86 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:37:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "why the long face?"
The horse replies "Dunno, I was born with it"
supadupanerd ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:57:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Neighbalinetm
katieg1970 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I figured the horse left the house when s/he went to the bar...
theMcScotty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternatively, the horse replies (with a labored inhale and empty stare), โMy son was just diagnosed with terminal cancer.โ
remy_porter ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:44:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I misread "bear" as "beer" and have now realized there aren't enough jokes about alcoholic beverages walking into a bar and ordering themselves.
jasmc1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:34:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/Z_CfmfWxVuM
This joke, as a punk song.
guzinya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes!! Thank you. Fucking love this song.
smiley_dead ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:45:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aww, this one is really cute, I like it. Got a good chuckle out of me :)
jmac323 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:14:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got me!
Pete_Castiglione_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Maybe it was maybellene"
Mr_Trustable ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:20:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just noticed the pun of this joke... I always thought it was just cause the bear wanted the two drinks seperate (When I was a Kid, it was Cheese....................and Onion crisps)
theMcScotty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For those you expect have heard this one before:
Bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, โIโd like a rum............... and coke.โ
โSure thing,โ says the bartender,โ but, if you donโt mind me asking, why the long pause?โ
To which the bear replies, โOh, I have a speech immmm-p-p-p........ ediment.โ
โ
The key to delivery is the make like youโre still putting some effort in trying to talk during the first pause.
Betho89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dads tell me this one differently... https://www.reddit.com/r/ContagiousLaughter/comments/981sl7/this_dad_reading_his_new_book
Cynickers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:24:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I believe the punchline is, โIโm a bear.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A short joke with a long pause
Ltghavoc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
give this person some apaws
PhearThePhish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I'm a tour guide in Alaska and you bet your ass I'm stealing this one
Bomlanro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bro, everyone knows the last line is:
The bear replies "I'm ... a .. polar ... bear!" [said while gesticulating wildly with your arms outstretched]
d0ink111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
meta
MahatmaGuru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of those jokes that works better aloud.
alactose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
baby i was born this way
Emrillick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My brain read that as long pause and I got so confused
thedudebangsyoshi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend loves telling this joke with a bigger and bigger pause each time. I beat him by leaving someone hanging for a full month.
desertdigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'M A BEAR
Skwaatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey mommy
Erinite0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my supervisors loves to tell a variant of this joke.
markmann0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one, but I finish and emphasis like the bartender is being funny saying, โWhatโs with the big ๐พ?!โ
jeezlouiseurthebest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In my version the bear answers, "I'm a fucking bear!"
BoredXZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bear and says "I'll have a rum and coke"
The bear attacks the man
gassyboi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into a bar and says "ill have a Rum........ And coke"
The barman says "why the big pause?"
"I've had...... A stroke"
MonkyThrowPoop ยท 524 points ยท Posted at 16:04:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes up to a widow at her husbandโs funeral service and asks โMay I say a word?โ. โOf course.โ she replied. The man gets up and says โPlethoraโ. โThanksโ she said โthat means a lot.โ.
Kootsiak ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 17:43:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one got a genuine LOL out of me.
scriffly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:04:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want this done at my funeral
rabidpinecone ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:31:08 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes up to a widow at her husbandโs funeral service and asks โMay I say a word?โ. โOf course.โ she replied. The man gets up and says โLifeโ. โThanksโ she said โHe would've wanted thatโ.
Bolicob ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:06:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two-for-one deal, I love it.
PigletVonSchnauzer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:37:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite! I laughed so hard my dog jumped!
metans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:20:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beautiful
K418 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:22:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Super under rated
oiwot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:40:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, alas I have just one upvote to give,
boredsittingonthebus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:58:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you even know what a plethora is?
Lord_Pulsar ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:04:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It means a lot.
AcuzioRain ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:13:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of when el guapo asked jefe that in the 3 amigos.
boredsittingonthebus ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:26:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the reference, thank you.
iwishthatwasmyname ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:35:39 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ayโ jefe
_thats_not_me_ ยท 13068 points ยท Posted at 11:14:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a joke timing.
Sharkgrammer ยท 5137 points ยท Posted at 13:40:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is getting a email in 10 years saying timing because of this joke
halo00to14 ยท 2953 points ยท Posted at 15:12:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs the best way to do this joke imo. When everyone is sharing their jokes, you just ask the set up and then move the conversation on to something else. Later is when you just randomly shout โTIMING!โ
Sure, theyโll most likely forget the setup, and youโll look crazy, but damn if it ainโt worth it.
FrisianDude ยท 635 points ยท Posted at 16:17:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, just look at them for a minute or so. Have them wonder what the fuck you're doing. Then say it.
surprised-duncan ยท 393 points ยท Posted at 16:42:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Eye contact is a must for this joke to work.
Angel_Tsio ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 17:18:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, make sure you look up at them when you let it out
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:08:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait for someone else to start talking about a different subject then IMMEDIATELY interrupt with "timing!"
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:35:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to wait until they get the first syllable of their question out, then yell at them.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:09:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Perfect.
WillTank4Drugs ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:28:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eye contact and some mumbles. I find if you are totally silent and just stare, it actually undercuts the pause.
People start to wonder if you're having a stroke. Verbal cues make it clear that you're still joking. I usually go with something like:
What's the most important part of a joke? It's....[pause for a couple of seconds] a....[pause for a couple of seconds] timing.
TootTootTrainTrain ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:59:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you say it with a Mario accent?
It's a timing!
WillTank4Drugs ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:08:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
SkyezOpen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:37 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 17:13:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
dramboxf ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:50:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And for the younger crowd:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
What's the most important part of telling a joke?
What's the most impor-
TIMING!
Thiswasacouch ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:34:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
interrupting cow, a classic
FrisianDude ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:57:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
Newbkidsnthblok ยท 127 points ยท Posted at 16:37:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to interrupt them asking me "What?" by shouting "TIMING" in their face and laughing hysterically.
Every3Years ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:45:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's just a phase don't worry
Sapian ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:19:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Laughing hysterically at your own joke kind of kills it for me.
Newbkidsnthblok ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:56:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You had to be there.
penguiatiator ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:59:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not being there for your own joke kinda kills it
AskMeForAPhoto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:36:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some people pull it off. Some of my favourite stand up comedians die laughing at their own jokes. Dave Chappelle comes to mind.
joblessgoose2 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:21:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Michael Scott?
Powerism ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 15:33:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy jokes.
Smooch23 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 17:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have this set of jokes that are told together that are kind of like that.
1st Joke: There are four construction workers on their lunch break just messing around when one of them goes, โwhich one of those bricks do you think would go the highest if thrown?โ. The first construction worker walk up and says, โI bet these red bricks would go the highest.โ And walks up, grabs one of the red bricks and whips it into the air. It goes about 20 feet in the air and falls back down. The second construction worker goes, โI bet those black bricks go the highestโ walks up, grabs a black brick and whips it in the air. It goes about 30 feet and then fall back down. The third construction worker says, โyouโre both wrong, the grey bricks definitely go the highestโ and walks up, grabs a grey brick and whips it into the air. It goes about 50 feet in the air and then falls back down. Then finally the fourth construction worker confidently without saying anything, walks up to the pile of yellow bricks, grabs one, and whips it into the air... and it just kept going.
Now obviously that makes no sense. Generally here I brush it off and say โNever mind, itโs not funny if I have to explain itโ and wait your desired amount of time to tell the second joke. I find that a full 24 hours is the sweet spot and a week is too long.
2nd Joke: Thereโs a flight from LA to NYC. On this flight is a woman and her pet parrot. About 20 minutes into this flight, four rows in front of the woman, a large man lights up a cigar. Once the cigar smoke reaches the parrot, it starts to freak out. So the woman presses the call button and a flight attendant comes over. โThat man has lit a cigar and the smoke is really bothering my parrot, can you please ask him to put it out?โ. The flight attendant obliged and walks up to the man and says, โSir, you canโt smoke on this flight and itโs bothering the other passengers! Iโm going to have to ask you to put it outโ. The man just laughs, takes a big pull of his cigar and blows smoke into the attendants face. The attendant, now being very upset, rips the cigar from the guys mouth, walks over to the side door of the plane, opens it and throws the cigar out of the plane. At this moment the parrot got really excited and takes off out the door after the cigar and then just gone. The woman is sobbing and being consoled by other passengers, the man is laughing, and the attendant is apologizing. The plane calms down and about an hour later the woman get super excited and looks out her window to see her parrot flying along with the plane, and guess what it had in its mouth? (Your audience at this point will guess, โoh fuck the cigar?!) No... The yellow brick.
Chandan_Sinha ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:28:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You made me laugh shaggy man.
BenjaminGeiger ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:26:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a well known trope. (TVTropes link, abandon all hope ye who enter)
toreoooo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:52:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theres a similar joke setup in an episode of Bojack Horseman! Itโs such a great layout hahaha
win32ce ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:02:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The way I heard it you ask emphatically "What's the MOST important part of comedy?! Go ahead, ASK me what is the MOST important part of comedy!
Wait silently for them to try to answer, and when they do inturrupt them - TIMING!
Oompa-Loompa-Reddit ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:22:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
BIKES
Smooch23 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:00:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HOLD. MAH. POCKET
redditpossible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unicycles are funnier than bikes.
CorpusCalIosum ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:58:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs like the diet blue brick joke. That one is much longer though to be fair
breast_stroker ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:17:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry but this is terrible
Adama0001 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:37:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....timing
Smobaite ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:52:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could do that, but when I read it my mind immediately just said it all at once and I thought it was hilarious. Just add timing as if it were the last word of the sentence with no pause
redditpossible ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:14:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was the joke
shittyshittymorph ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would be awesome to yell out timing during an awkward silence.
joakinzz99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like something Norm Macdonald would do
AskMeForAPhoto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:43:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His moth joke is one of my favourite bits of all time.
Clickum245 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you shout it is the most important part.
redditpossible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Believe it or not, itโs when you say it. Not so much whether you shout it or whisper it.
penguinatic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to get some teeth removed a little while ago, and they put me under general anesthetic. I remembered this joke just as I felt my eyes drooping, and managed to say "What's the key to a good joke?" When I woke up the first thing I said was "Timing." and nobody remembered...
dramboxf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did that at a BBQ about ten years ago and it broke the place up. My wife laughed for almost half an hour, and she was the first one to get it. We were sitting around a table in the backyard, like 9 or 10 people, and I told the setup, and then got up to take an "emergency work call" on my cell, so by the time I got back, they had moved on to other jokes.
About 20 minutes later, there was a lull in the conversation, and I looked directly at my wife and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Timing..."
She frowned and then it dawned on her and she frigging lost it. Then the next person got it, and it spread...it was like a joke grenade. Pulled the pin, tossed it and waited for it to go off.
SAGNUTZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Save it for the end of your set to bring all back around.
Spaffin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, sucks when it doesnโt work but the few times it does makes it all worth it.
BenjaminGeiger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then hit them with the brick.
ZWQncyBkaWNr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like that damn joke about the bag of mulch from BoJack. I've used that one before.
TheOneTrueTrench ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah. You set up the joke "what's the secret to comedy?", take a sip from your drink, light a cigarette, wait until someone starts to talk, shush them loudly, take another sip, finish your cigarette and your drink, go get another drink, sit down, look at everyone for a second, and say "Oh. It's defying expectations."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, my dad would take my sister and I hiking all time. We were talking about how far it would take to fall the length of the mountain.
He said, "It would probably sound like, 'Ahhh! [He pauses for a moment] ... Splat!"
I replied with, "No it would probably sound more like, 'Ahhh!'"
... And I just never said the splat part. We moved on to talking about other stuff. About an hour later we're getting back to the car when I said "SPLAT!" And he got a pretty good kick out of it. Now we check in with each other periodically by just texting "splat"
wesjb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What I do is wait like a few minutes before I say timing, and then weeks later, โAnd patience.โ
firesoups ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But when they realize what youโve done youโre an instant comedy genius.
DJDarren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel you shiver with antici...
LOOOOPS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is horrible. Nostalgia Critic did it with the casper ghost and it was horrendous.
blurryferret ยท 194 points ยท Posted at 15:09:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Screenshot or it never happened. Iโll be expecting that picture in 10 years
zbormanchino ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 15:53:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Ok Google" "Set a reminder for 10 years from today" "if reddit/Imgur still exist, upload image"
FINALCOUNTDOWN99 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:41:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of that one couple that met on Tinder and their chat responses were months apart.
DoctorAcula_42 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:56:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me and a friend were fans of the joke from Borat where he doesn't know the right amount of time for a "Not!" joke. The apex was when we did a not joke with a 2-year gap between setup and punchline.
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please tell me you're doing it in reply to the first email, so they note the context?
ilinamorato ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see you shiver with antici-
ilinamorato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:57 on September 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-pation
NitroCipher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just scheduled a message with the punchline to one of my friends for next April 1st
downvote__trump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Www.futureme.org
DrVeigonX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a similar thing with my little brother where I promised him that in December of 2023 I'll take him to the Ice rink.
capilot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you familiar with this twitter feed?
glitchygreymatter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just text someone you've known for a long while the word,"...timing!". When they reply to find out what you mean, " That was the punchline to the joke I told you in 2008. "What joke?" ....
smala017 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the most important part of a joke?
ilinamorato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:24 on September 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing.
Roadsoda350 ยท 801 points ยท Posted at 15:56:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to tell it by saying "what's the most important part of a joke?" and then stare at the person until they start to say something and then immediately say "TIMING".
swinesmoker ยท 190 points ยท Posted at 16:28:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does an impatient cow say? -I donโt... Moo
trshtehdsh ยท 104 points ยท Posted at 16:34:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternative, "What does an interrupting cow say-" "I don'--" "MOOO!"
FliesWithPig ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 16:58:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to tell that joke once, as a knock knock joke. As the person was saying โinterrupting cow who?โ, I panicked and shouted โN-nnn-MOO!!!โ
Iโm bad at jokes.
taylorguitar13 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:37:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember trying to tell this one to my uncle. I set it up correctly, but I panicked trying to get the timing right and shouted "MAUW" (rhyming with "cow") in his face.
theDoctorAteMyBaby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:56:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm dying.
FliesWithPig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We are basically the same person. And I stuttered so much in my panic that theyโd finished their line so I didnโt even end up interrupting them. Oh the shame.
Laurels_Night ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:27:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah well you got me to cackle like an old sea hag with that one so...
thatJainaGirl ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:39:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What does an interrupting cow say?"
"I don--" "MOOOOO!"
"What does the interrupting sloth say?"
"I don't know."
\
\
\
[poke them]
"What does the interrupting completely uncalled for say?"
"I don--" [kick them in the balls]
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll try this one out
swinesmoker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good old Barats and Bereta https://youtu.be/bn1-M5Ze0p8
AUserNeedsAName ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:09:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or you can do 'interrupting starfish', spread the fingers of one hand as far as you can and start moving your hand towards their face. Best done in knock knock joke form, so you have more time to move smoothly.
dirtywater83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:54:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a masturbating cow? . . . . Beef strokinoff
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:38:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
-Mountain-King- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite variation of this is the interrupting sloth, where you very slowly hug them.
bimbles_ap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve always heard it as:
What does an interrupting cow say?
I donโt know, wh-
Moooooo
oiwot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes "oooo"
.
.
.
A cow with No Lips.
debtitor ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:51:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex stepfather, Irishman, and master storyteller told this story in a similar fashion.
As soon as the other person starts to say something blurt out โtie-mingโ. It uses incorrect timing two different ways. One, by interrupting them, and two by putting the em-phasis, on the wrong sy-lable.
-FeistyRabbitSauce- ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 16:47:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the most important part of a joke?"
........................
................
.......
"Is it ti--"
"TIMING!"
PotentialNinja ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:00:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A better setup: "Ask me what is the most important part of a joke."
that way they have to say something for the joke to progress and you're not trying to cut "TIMING!" into the middle of a quick "what?"
Casehead ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:20:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooh, much better
ScaryAnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the best version is "ask me what the most important thing about comedy is." "What's the mos-" "TIMING"
rancidquail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steve Martin did a variation of this one. He would say it was: Tie......Ming. ...Tie........Ming.......timing.
ARADPLAUG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This jacket is gray...
NOT
coffeedude7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is good because it's actually funny.
BoyishDragon ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 14:24:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't say timing until somebody else awkwardly changes the subject
nowhereman136 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:25:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have to tell the punchline first.
What's the easiest way to ruin a joke?
[deleted] ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 12:35:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a while
JustAnOrdinaryGirl92 ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 13:13:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It seems you need to work on your timing.
andovinci ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:36:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still dont get it
B3ennie ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:23:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's saying the word 'timing' directly after the question his audience was supposed to answer, leaving no time for the audience to actually answer the question. Therefore indicating that he himself does not have timing, which is the most important part of a joke, as indicated by the joke-maker himself.
palmtr335 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Havenโt you heard of timing in joking? As in, saying all the parts of the joke at the โrightโ time that makes it the funniest and clearest?
hooooves ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:48:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me neither. OR its just not funny.
andovinci ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4.5k disagree with us haha
edmgypsy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same lol
scuzzphut ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:57:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You : Ask me what the secret of comedy is.
Friend : what's the secret o...
You : Timing
LetsGrabSnacks ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:25:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This suit is blacknot
trackonesideone ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:43:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This suit is black not.
Awwkshaya ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 12:29:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dint get it. Someone please explain?
Dazza3141 ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 12:37:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a joke? Timing
The_Sten ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 12:39:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He left out a question mark to make it look like someone said it really quickly and with poor timing. "...a joke? Timing." vs "...a joke timing"
JackRourke343 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 12:41:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds better when spoken. The timing between a joke question and its answer is fundamental to make it sound fun, and this one doesn't have timing at all
So, instead of saying:
"What is the most important part of a joke? [pause] Timing."
You go like OP
elecxonica ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 12:42:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the sort of joke that doesnโt translate well to text. Youโre supposed to say it as one sentence, the poor timing of โtimingโ before they can think about it being the punchline.
TrenchantPergola ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:08:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorite "jokes" works just like this:
American children are kind, but German children are kinder.
The real interesting question is: which pronunciation of "kinder" is funnier?
grouchy_fox ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:26:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one works better over text
Awwkshaya ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:02:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got it! I did feel like the question mark was missing, but that's supposed to be the point. Thanks all you guys for explaining!
jnksjdnzmd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:24:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you say it without timing, it's ironic.
EdwardLewisVIII ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:58:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this on Johnny Carson when I was a kid and for some reason just laughed out loud reading it. You, sir, are a written comedy genius.
Urtehnoes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:39:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From community:
"oh you took that class on joke writing, right Annie?"
"Yea but I dropped it after setups, the teacher is SO old" (Stares at everyone)
Paraphrased. I always find it kinda funny
psbwb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:32:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Close, Annie just says the teacher is SO old.
Urtehnoes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh, that's right! fixed, thnx m8
Canana_Man ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:46:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "Hey"
Him: "Timing"
Me: "What's the most important part of a joke?"
LobbyDizzle ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:39:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I made up a similar one:.
What's the most important part of every great Jesus joke?
The execution.
Casehead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha ha, thatโs good
Fear_The_Rabbit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in Kevinโs voice. Holtโs husband on Brooklyn Nine-Nine
elparkerio ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Usually say โAsk me what the secret to good comedy is.โ โWhatโs the secret to -โ โTIMING.โ
readithor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:08:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh das clever
SurlyPositive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Said with proper...timing...this joke is killer.
henrycharleschester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And punctuation.
UncleMajik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this one
my_fans_keep_me_cool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe punctuations too?
Smobaite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is hilarious
StetsonTuba8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a variation of this joke that was "the key to good humour is... . . . .. . . . . Timing"
FatherAb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know whats nice punctuation
ExtremeAthlete ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah.. You need to work on your timing.
tpx187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I almost died during bad Grandpa when noxville told it. He timed it so perfect, ironically... Or unironically, depends on your perspective
morrisjm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This suit is black not
i_am_bebop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my pen is blue not
PopeInnocentXIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told that joke to someone once. He just stared back at me blankly. "Huh? I don't get it." Tried explaining but just gave up. Never told it again.
vordx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there something missing? Cuz that doesn't make any sense to me or I don't get it
Ur_X ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is too funny, but I feel like it only made me laugh becaue I read it and not because someone told it to me
psbwb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to tell a variation of this, except framed as why bass players can't tell jokes.
t. bass player
KPokey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I choose this one.
CreativeRecognition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Right, plus, she didn't even feel a thing.
zx7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a joke timing? /s
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1 joke in 5 years and THAT'S what you go with!
graememacfarlane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it as: whatโs the difference between a good
Joke and a bad joke timing
Cheeseand0nions ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interup...
MOOO!
RussianHammerTime ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:16:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Commas
MuffinMagnet ยท 5856 points ยท Posted at 11:12:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite go to that always makes me smile:
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
EBannion ยท 1428 points ยท Posted at 12:26:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid we did this in multiple parts:
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in strawberry fields.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry field? See, it works!
How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator? Open the door, put it in, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door, take out the elephant, put it in.
meuh210 ยท 1201 points ยท Posted at 12:53:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can add
How do you put 4 elephants in a car? 2 in the front 2 in the back.
The lion is throwing a party, who's the first to arrive? The elephants, they came by car.
The lion is sad because someone didn't come, who's that? Tbe giraffe, she's stuck in the fridge.
EDIT: grammar
rchard2scout ยท 729 points ยท Posted at 13:11:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The zebra wants to go to the party, but he has to cross a crocodile-infested rover to get there, and there's no bridge. What does he do?
He swims, because all the crocodiles are at the party already.
These jokes are best told with some time in between, so everyone will already have forgotten about the previous parts.
EmuRommel ยท 456 points ยท Posted at 15:44:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then end with:
Why do elephants have a cold all the time?
Because people keep shoving them into refrigerators.
suid ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 16:11:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But that one needs to be introduced with another one; you need to throw in something like "what's worse than an elephant with a cold? A giraffe with a sore throat". And then you follow it up with "Why do elephants always have colds?", and that punches it up..
phlux ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 16:59:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And this concludes "Architecting Jokes for Kids 101" Thanks for coming.
suid ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:00:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, we speak with authority and years of experience dadding..
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:56:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
Two giraffes with sore throats.
Why?
Because the refrigerator gets crowded.
KryptoniteDong ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WOW, LOVE YOU GUYS!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:45:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this entire thread
Roadcrosser ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:04:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I sometimes use starts with:
"A plane is flying over a jungle carrying 100 bricks when one falls into a river below. How many are left?"
No trick questions here, it's 99 (unless you asked how many bricks there were in which case still 100).
Then putting an elephant in the fridge.
Then putting the giraffe in the fridge.
Then the party where the giraffe doesn't come.
Then you have to cross a crocodile infested river, where all the crocodiles have gone to the party.
The last question ends up being "You still die, how?"
A brick fell on your head.
ApricitySeed ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:40:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
but it wouldn't be infested with crocodiles if there were no crocodiles
lofabread1 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:24:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's better if you say something like "a river where crocodiles live"
abcedarian ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:29:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or, you have to swim across a river known to be infested with crocodiles
phlux ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:00:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not all Zebra jokes are black-and-white.
ApricitySeed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:19:17 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some are red all over.
aRandomGuyOnTheInet ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that every 4th Grader knows about these riddles
Baschoen23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The cow says: mooo
AllowMe-Please ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, geez. When I saw zebra, I immediately thought it was a female zebra - in Russian, most nouns that end with a are feminine.
This has nothing to do with your joke; it's just that when you said "zebra" and then followed up with "he", it threw me off a bit.
Sorry for the comment that adds absolutely nothing to anything.
Just sayin'. For no reason.
jamaispur ยท 465 points ยท Posted at 13:56:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a version of this joke thatโs local to where I live in the UK, which goes like this:
How do you get two elephants in a mini? One in the back, one in the front.
How do you get two hippos in a mini? You canโt. Thereโs already two elephants in there.
How do you get to Wales in a mini? Over the Severn Bridge!
The Severn bridge gets you into Wales from England. When you say it aloud, two whales and to Wales sound the same (obvs). Makes children of about 10 laugh every time.
FrankDrakman ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:03:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just found out I'm ten.
gwaydms ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:01:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL
Jijelinios ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:19:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a two part joke from a friend. I think he tells it to everyone he knows.
There was once a man who had a green sheep. Word spread and soon people started comig to him to see it. He got rich. One day the sheep disappeared. His oldest son asked him "Father, give me the ferrari and half of your money and I'll brig the sheep back" and the man did it. After a few years he comes back, without any money and without the car, and without the sheep. His father is glad he is back and doesn't get mad. His middle son asks to go next. He asks for the audi and half of the money. Again, after a few years he comes back, no money, no car, no sheep. His dad says it's ok and accepts him back in. It's the youngest son's turn. He asks for the bycicle and a few money for food. After a month he comes back, he gambled the money, lost them and the bike was stolen. His father says "Ok."
Take your time telling this, waste time on pauses and build up on the story. People will hate you for wasting 10 minutes telling a shitty joke. After a while you tell them you want to make up fof earlier with a better joke.
There was once a group of students in a train. At some point a woman's dog jumps out the window. She pulls the emergency break and the train stops. The students, eager to help, start looking for the dog. When one of them looks behind a bush, what do you think they found?
Dog / i don't know.
The green sheep.
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is what they used to call a shaggy dog story. The original involved a shaggy dog, but it's any long involved joke with a twist.
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:37:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they're Welsh, and know the name of the bridge.
jamaispur ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:40:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, not just the Welsh. Thereโs three counties in England who know where the Severn bridge goes. And pretty much anyone in South Wales will know since itโs how you get anywhere outside of Wales.
Gimmedapoosiebowse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
UK'er can confirm
sturdy55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mini what?
TisteSimeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And at least one Yorkshireman of 33 years! I love that one. :-D
teh_maxh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But for most of Wales it makes more sense to travel north in England and avoid the toll for the Severn crossing.
aintsuperstitious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turns out the twins are binary.
GSXI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:06:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I knew had a callback at the end "how do you know that there are two elephants hiding in your house?" "There's a Mini parked outside."
FlashbackJon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate that I'm asking this but... What the hell is a mini?
jamaispur ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:39:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like a Mini Cooper, the car? I now doubt that they exist outside of the UK
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's quite a lot in the States. Once on a road trip somewhere out West we saw several Minis going by in the opposite lane. And more. And still more. Ended up being about 60.
Some Mini enthusiast club, I guess.
FlashbackJon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, no, we have those, I just thought it was oddly specific, and I would've assumed the answer was "one".
mengerspongebob ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:04:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm American and I didnโt understand this until you explained it so it probably wouldnโt work on American 10-yr-olds but if theyโre from Wales or England then it could work
jamaispur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I did preface the comment by saying that it only works locally.
ArtivistVGang ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:55:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theres a jewish version too we tell in israel. How do you put 4 elephants and 6 million Jews in a car? 2 elephants in the front, 2 in the back and 6 million Jews in the ashtray.
Insertblamehere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk if English isn't your first language or if it was just a mistake, but it should be didn't come not doesn't came
meuh210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed, thanks :)
meuh210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed, thanks :)
nahfoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit I replied to the user above before I saw your comment. I like your version better
phlux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about their trunks!
Semarc01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you put 4 elephants in a car? 2 in the front, 2 in the back.
How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge? The footprint in the butter.
How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge? 2 footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge? The door doesnโt close properly.
How Dobson know if there are four elephants in your fridge? There is a car in front of your door.
JellyButtet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Switch car to sedan, then go:
How can you tell if there's an elephant in the fridge? There's footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there's 2 elephants in the fridge? When you turn off the lights, you'll here them giggling.
How can you tell if there's 3 elephants in the fridge? You can't quite shut the refrigerator door all the way.
How can you tell if there's 4 elephants in the fridge? There's a sedan parked outside your house.
error_alex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know there's an elephant in the fridge? There's footprints in the butter.
How do you know there's a skunk in the fridge? The elephant is in the cabinet.
DeathcampEnthusiast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And how do you put 44 Jews in a car? 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 40 in the ashtray.
Ultravioletgray ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:45:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do elephants hide so well in cherry trees? They paint their balls red.
What's the loudest sound in the forest? A giraffe eating cherries.
jonjefmarsjames ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:17:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?
Swim for your life.
justclay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's gray and comes by the pint?
An elephant.
Naturage ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:23:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I knew:
You are in a plane, you have 500 bricks with you. You throw one out. How many left in the plane? (499)
How do you put two elephants in a fridge? (open the fridge, put them in, close the fridge)
How do you put two giraffes in a fridge? (open the fridge, take elephants out, put giraffes in, close the fridge)
Lion is having a birthday party. All the beasts of the jungle came to congratulate, except for two. Who? (Giraffes, they are still stuck in the fridge)
A grandma wants to cross a swap full of deadly crocodiles. How can she do it? (wait for lion's party, crocodiles will be there)
She tried crossing, but still died. How? (a brick from the plane fell on her).
Sharlinator ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:41:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know thereโs been an elephant in the refrigerator? Thereโs footprints in the butter.
cited ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:04:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The lion king calls all animals to a conference, who doesn't show up? The giraffe in the fridge.
How do you swim across a crocodile infested river? Just swim, the crocodiles are all at the animal conference.
mellon_baller ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:38:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off
toolatealreadyfapped ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fit an elephant into a safe? First, take the "F" out of "safe", then take the "F" out of "way".
... puzzled look... "There is no F in way"
Exactly
fissure ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This makes way more sense if you say "Safeway bag"
toolatealreadyfapped ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:11:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's probably how I heard it. But that was 30 years ago
Allonsy1986 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid my dad told this in two parts also.
Why did the elephant paint his balls orange? To hide in the orange tree
How did the monkey die? Picking oranges
Lacey_Von_Stringer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/elephantjokes
EBannion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OF COURSE THATS A THING
Excuse me while I regress to 10 years old for a bit.
Lacey_Von_Stringer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is the squirrel in the pine tree one
Metaldevil666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Dutch "elephant" is "oliefant"
Olie = oil
So in Dutch the joke goes like this:
Q: How do you put an oliefant in the fridge? A: Drain the oil, open door, insert, close door.
jpropaganda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that elephant refrigerator joke a little different. I think it was how do you know there's an elephant in the fridge? Footprint in the butter.
Or something like that
nahfoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have 2 ones similar to that. The first is: how do you fit an elephant into a trunk? Take the F out of fat and the F out of weigh.
2nd: starts like yours, how do you fit elephant into fridge? Open the door and put him in
The lion called a meeting for all the jungle critters. Who wasn't there? The elephant
How do you cross alligator infested waters? Just swim, all the gators are at the meeting.
I'm sure these could be combined with yours Into a mega story
Stallrim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know Ironically we had this similar elephant joke too when I was a kid, I am from India.
severed13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got these from a joke book haha
PhoenixTears14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants wear sneakers? Because they like to jump from tree to tree
Why should you avoid going to the jungle between 6pm and 8pm? Because thatโs when the elephants are jumping
Why are pygmies so small? Because they went into the jungle between 6pm and 8pm
ecodrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a red elephant? A: Hold its nose till it turns blue, then kill it with a blue elephant gun.
SuzieDerpkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We had similar elephant jokes at my school. We also had โHow do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?โ โYou take the S out of Safe and the F out of wayโ
(Safeway is a common grocery store where Iโm from)
ScrooLooze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would Tarzan say when he sees elephants coming ? .... "The elephants are coming!" Why do the elephants have pink glasses on ?, Because they don't want to be recognized. What does Tarzan say when he sees them coming with pink glasses on ?
Nothing because he doesn't recognize them.
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Elephant jokes were big (!) in the 1960s
Faust2391 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm really bummed because no one is telling the best version of this joke!
If a plane is carrying 500 bricks and one falls out, how many are left? 499.
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator? Open the door, put it in, close the door?
How do you get an giraffe into a refrigerator? Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, close the door.
The zoo is throwing a party for Simba and all the animals show up except for one; which one? The giraffe, it's stuck in the fridge.
The zookeeper wants to go as well, but normal cannot make it because of the dangerous water they have to cross. Why could they make it this time? All the crocs were at the party already.
Despite that, the zookeeper still didn't make it. Why? They got hit in the head by a brick.
geneorama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In 1999 these jokes were all the rage on AOL.
EBannion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but in 1989 they were all the rage in my first grade class - who do you think AOL learned them from? Hehehe.
MassivelyObeseDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ahem
If there are 500 bricks on a plane and one falls out how many are there? 499.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge in three steps? Open the door, insert the elephant, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge in four steps? Open the door, remove the elephant, insert the giraffe, close the door.
The Lion King is having a birthday party and all of the animals are invited, who canโt come? The giraffe, heโs still in the fridge.
Little Suzie needs to cross a crocodile infested river, how does she get across? The crocodiles are all at the Lion Kings birthday party.
Suzie dies anyways, why? She was hit in the head with a flying brick.
God bless whoever made that joke.
fishead62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always tell a run of the "paint the toenails" joke.
Why do elephants paint their toenails white? To hide in the white lines on the road.
Why do elephants paint their toenails different colors? To hide in jellybean bags.
Green = hiding in grass, purple = bowl of grapes, etc.
ssssshinthelibrary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know an elephantโs been in the fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.
SciviasKnows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one always had us in hysterics:
Why do the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was tied to the first one.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the second one.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
A-toddler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:18 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little late to the party but I remember one from my dad.
Why have you never seen an elephant hiding in an apple tree? They're really good at it.
Why do elephants paint their balls red? To hide in apple trees.
What's the loudest noise in nature? A giraffe eating apples.
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:43:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
got a chuckle out of me
MrCheapskate_toyou ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:05:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sgt speaking to a private: Private Johnson! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!
Pvt Johnson: Thank you, sir!
witch--king ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:14 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this joke for the first time in a video game the other day as idle npc chatter and it was so dumb but I laughed so loudly.
SleeplessShitposter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:52:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why aren't T-Rexes very good drivers?
They're dead.
i80r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What dinosaur failed their driving lesson? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
tiempo90 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:46:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i don't get it! >:-(
-TheDevilsAssistant- ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 13:15:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is supposed to mislead you into thinking "Oh, because they're too heavy to be in a tree"
But no, turns out hippos are just really good at hiding in trees.
bratbarn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:57:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank u
carbonclasssix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:13:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's supposed to make you think there are already hippos hiding in the trees because hippos are so big that you'd obviously see them if they weren't good at hiding. So because we don't see hippos in the trees, they're very good at hiding. The joke is that they're obviously not there.
tiempo90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:37 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. K thanks :D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:10:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You don't see hippos in trees because they are really good at hiding in trees.
UchihaEmre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:11:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You don't see then hiding because they are so good at hiding.
FrisianDude ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:13:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the dumbest animal in the rainforest?
The polar bear.
iwillbecomehokage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:51:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why elephants have red eyes?
So they can hide in cherry trees
Did you ever see an elephant hide in a cherry tree?
See, thats how well it works
bbgun91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:36:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-_-
._.
o_o
O_O
C00k13_M0nster15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:55:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh the ole large animal in a tree joke, classic.
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? Because the hippo pushed him out!
floorwantshugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it like this:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in apple trees.
Ever seen an elephant in an apple tree? Well that shows how well it works, then.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle? Monkeys picking apples.
Kalipygia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No it's cause they paint their balls red to look like apples.
Velcrocore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know how the hippos got into the trees?
They planted seeds and waited for them to grow.
bertrenolds5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me likkey.
CookiePush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They've perfected the art being perfectly still
LastDitchTryForAName ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs so stupid, so why the fuck am I still laughing?
Kbearforlife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this could teach a kid the basis of satire
Z_Designer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that made me giggle
lafaldagunner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Tarzan say to the elephants wearing sunglasses? Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
jacyerickson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Going to visit my nephews later, I'm totally stealing this one!
stupid_name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an elephant fly?
First you get a really long zipper...
ecodrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW bug? A: Four, 2 in the front, two in the back.
Q: How can you tell when there's been 1 elephant in the refrigerator? A: There's 1 set of hoof prints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell when there's been 2 elephant in the refrigerator? A: There's 2 sets of hoof prints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell when there's been 3 elephant in the refrigerator? A: There's 3 set of hoof prints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell when there's been 4 elephant in the refrigerator? A: There's a VW Bug parked out front.
little_brown_bat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Purppl is sneaky, you eva seen a purppl Ork?
GrandMasterRimJob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one got the most genuine chuckle.
Crunchy_Biscuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me if this (NSFW?): Why do Elephants paint their balls red?
To hide in cherry trees
What's the loudest sound in the Serengeti?
A giraffee biting cherries.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this a lotamus
Varlist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey thats Tauren!
ohmie_destroys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it..
P0sitive_Outlook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green, has six legs and kills people by jumping out of a tree?
A snooker table.
fishead62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get an elephant out of a jelly jar? Read the directions on the label.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "Here come the elephants over the hill!"
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? He didn't say anything; he didn't recognize them.
How do you know if there's an elephant in your refrigerator? You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
oh_not_again_please ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do elephants hide in the jungle?
They paint their balls red and sit in a cherry tree.
What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.
Quin1617 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:29 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:44:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No
[deleted] ยท 10575 points ยท Posted at 10:35:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
lilgreenrosetta ยท 3375 points ยท Posted at 12:06:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
.
A carrot.
IAreDrugs ยท 2776 points ยท Posted at 13:59:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
[deleted] ยท 1240 points ยท Posted at 14:49:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
jonjefmarsjames ยท 1078 points ยท Posted at 15:17:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
lavender_salamander ยท 333 points ยท Posted at 16:32:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
omgdude29 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:55:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What song can make an entire diner sigh in relief when listened to through a jukebox?
PM_ME_NCIS_QUOTES ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:03:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not unusual...
omgdude29 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:05:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But only if it is preceded by 7 "What's New, Pussycats?"
lavender_salamander ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:58:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedmulaney
Nice.
malaysianzombie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:23:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who beat Rihanna at the Grammys?
Chris Brown
_Serene_ ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
inb4 this comment chain is nuked. Witnessed.
BleepingBleeper ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 16:33:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
GrandMasterRimJob ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:17:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chuckles in morbid
oblivimousness ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:20:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and slippery?
Slippers.
pgds ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:33:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not all slippers are brown which is why I go with โwhat is foot long and slippery?โ
Westonworld ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:08:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wrong, it's my Beyonce poster.
Ronizu ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 16:29:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce
adamhesim ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:20:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best joke Ever.
rain-is-wet ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:13:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get..... ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:28:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
pgds ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:31:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
StewofPuppies ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:51:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man I bet you were both stoked and disappointed with the Rihanna stripper scene on Valerian huh?
nuclear_core ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What could be fire?
TurboClunge ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha. I met my soon to be wife by telling her this joke. She still talks about it to this day. Been together for 6 years!
david-adam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What feels like a stick, looks like a stick, but isn't a stick? A stick. I lied about the last part
Noeli0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
devildidnothingwrong ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:47:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
Use cheap toilet paper and you will find out.
shambollix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and runny?
The same bloody stick
RYAN_BENJAMIN ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:30:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with an envelope on his head?
Bill.
PM_ME_UR_PERSPECTIVE ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:05:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always tell these three jokes in succession:
What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's purple and fuzzy? Purple fuzz. What's green and has wheels? Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.
el_pez_3 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:34:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
(I'm adding the parrot to the list)
Zubat_Breeder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/antiantijokes
pipinngreppin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and sticky?
A stick holding its breath.
Nooneislooking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I asked this to my 7 yr old. He said "honey."
Not-A-Comic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anal
Slackbeing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
krogger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to dig deep to find this one.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:35:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Zubat_Breeder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:29:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*use single asterisks to italicize!*
Looks like this:
use single asterisks to italicize!
lifeOf3_14159265 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:49 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you.
kaleido-kitty ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:57:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one is my personal favorite/go-to
FluttershyOwl ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:32:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
Silver878 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:58:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and shitty
Shit.
pgds ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown, smells bad and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:57:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day, Usain Bolt walks into a country club.
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "In that case it's only 5 minutes down the road."
Yarp3000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Neandertholocaust ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:01:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's gray and rocky?
Sylvester Stallone
DesertPlain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:43:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Number one joke of all time right there.
remza244 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Diarrhea
DreamingOfNeverland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He. Runny
TheMadTemplar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed at this one.
Courtnall14 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:03:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
Look for the Fresh Prints.
operarose ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:16:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Scrolling through this thread while drinking coffee was a mistake.
scottywadly ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:59:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fer drizzle
ryandunn01 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:53:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? - Fo Drizzle
dodgerh8ter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:40:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Dr. Dre get his underwear white?
Bleeee-otch!
MarMarButtons ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:55:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My fiance told me this joke 4 years ago. I laughed extremely hard. That was when I knew
Beowoof ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:24:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve heard this a lot. For years. I just got the joke that the expected answer is โpoopโ.
Gbonk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sounds like a bell ?
Dung !
jedipony1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That took me a minute
emcee-98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
FunkapotamusRex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one appears in every similar joke thread but it always makes me chuckle.
magiccaster619 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poop
PetrRabbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to finish this one "Dr. Dre, you racist!"
Not sure why
YouHadMeAtTaco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I love this joke! Thanks random reddit user for making my day.
The42ndHitchHiker ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:30:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
SwansonHOPS ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also works with "What's brown and stole ideas from Parliament?"
Losethisnumba ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 17:04:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ftfy
coffeefueledKM ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:26:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really?!
Losethisnumba ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean I get that it's a joke, and it is funny, but yeah really. I wasn't going to stop here either, but then Reddit said I was commenting too much.
Cecil-The-Sasquatch ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:00:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats red and smells like blue paint
.
.
.
.
Red paint
Graphedmaster ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:08:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
Casehead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This oneโs my favorite so far
xeshaka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my recent favorite joke. The thing is some people laugh but a decent amount just moan at me lol.
nutraxfornerves ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:29:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you cross a lion and tiger You will get whatโs called a liger. But I doubt your cat and parrot Can produce for you a carrot.
Charsca ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:56:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brown and sticky?
A stick
TheHeartlessCookie ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 14:19:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and sticky?
It's that bloody stick again!
jrhoffa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:19:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
razordoilies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
๐dung๐
pnk1113 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:25:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sits in the corner of a court room?
Jury Duty
Reiizm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:30:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also an orange parrot.
XochiquetzalRose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this joke to my coworkers, hysterically laughing... they Love me
boso271 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones
acethetix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This ones my go to. Always gets a laugh and smiles
damitws6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald Trump?
rosamor86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this one to my son and he said, โdid you just play a pun on me?โ
batty3108 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
healtheworlf ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 14:38:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trump
RyanMcCourt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:58:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Orange man bad give me karma
TheGuyfromRiften ยท 214 points ยท Posted at 11:47:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh Jimmy Carr, oddly enough one of the only clean Jimmy Carr jokes
fuckitdoittomorrow ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 13:49:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stationary store moved
MrBagnall ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:13:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dwarf shortage.
Simon_Kaene ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:31:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Safety in numbers-
Oh shit, clean. Right.
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:45:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about you, but my oven has a 'clean' setting...
NamelessAce ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:04:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Venison's dear, isn't it?
good_guy_submitter ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:41:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He deals with all hecklers by insulting their mother.
SAGNUTZ ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:22:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He wouldn't have to if they were RAISED RIGHT!
good_guy_submitter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:23:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
phlux ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:37:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My only problem with Jimmy Carr, is (ironically) his laugh. When he laughs, it makes me cringe and I cant listen to his standup because he has that laugh which he laughs at his own jokes and its nails on the chalkboard for me...
sirius_gray ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:11:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the other hand, I love his laugh. It's so unique
FUCK_ME_DEAD ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 18:03:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the other hand, I have different fingers.
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:42:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamnit. Of all the shit in this entire post, this is the one that makes me cackle? Ffs.
Linubidix ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:54:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HA-ha-HAaaaaa
Maridiem ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:35:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His laugh kills me, especially on panel shows when people mock it. So great. Like a baby seal being clubbed mercilessly.
twlscil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:35:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could listen to a loops of Jimmy Carr and Ron Funches laughs for hours.
Hipyeti ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:01:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Venisonโs dear.
howhardcoulditB ยท 120 points ยท Posted at 11:15:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But how do you set it up as a one person joke?
Irememberedmypw ยท 300 points ยท Posted at 11:36:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the mirror like the rest of us.
tamadekami ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:41:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see what I did there.
tabiotjui ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 12:06:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like he did just there
MightyBobTheMighty ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:22:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to go around asking "True or False: What is the meaning of life?" (or similarly non-t/f question).
The answer is false, of course. The meaning of life is not "what".
OtroGato ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:16:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure it isn't, tho?
Casehead ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:09:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhh turning those tables
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 11:45:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Move the quotation marks.
SECRETLY_BEHIND_YOU ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 13:34:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP_IS_A_BASSOON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Add it to your ventriloquism routine.
goshin2568 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You say the whole thing. You're telling a third person what your friend told you
Driddle07 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was talking to my wife the other day and she told me "What rhymes with orange?" I told her no it doesn't. Easy peasy
Drexynn ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:33:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Casehead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha ha, I like this one
dag1979 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:27:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sporange. Look it up, itโs a thing.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:46:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Door hinge.
VC420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
four inch
kasaes02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Syringe (a bit of a stretch but eminem agrees with me so Imma say it works)
Father_of_the_Bribe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mortgage
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 13:19:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Fratriarch ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 13:55:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The word what doesn't rhyme with orange
phlux ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:38:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Orange you glad you explained that now?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:47:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhh
askfocus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:06:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jimmy Carr
Kalin101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:16:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Voyage?
Riunix ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:56:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Door hinge
moose098 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:29:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eminem taught me this.
StinkyBrittches ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:49:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Peach pears plums syringes
kvinfojoj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am rubber, you are glue.
esquonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
aforementionedapples ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:22:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Of the four inch variety.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
syringe, lozenge, stone henge
holyshithestall ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Y'all don't know how rhymes work
Arxieos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:00:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it may be you who does not understand dialects
holyshithestall ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:03:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have no idea how you came to that conclusion.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:03:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Look up the video where Eminem rhymes stuff with orange
holyshithestall ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:04:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen it, that's not dialect, it's forced inflection.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 15:24:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i honestly dont give two shits
holyshithestall ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:25:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clearly.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 15:29:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
being a snooty purist will take you places
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Door hinge
jpropaganda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Car hinge or door hinge depending on where you're from
mnicoleb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love Jimmy Carr
TheSinningRobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm crying right now. This hit me so hard I started cracking up
The2WheelDeal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jimmy Carr
furija ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
storage...
Corasin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jimmy Carr joke
Dohabee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Door hinge
JTCMuehlenkamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Jimmy Carr
anusblaster69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad? Is that you?
thestonez ยท 13160 points ยท Posted at 12:37:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy yells to a stranger across the river, "I need to get to the other side". Stranger yells back... "You are on the other side".
weareallgoofygoobers ยท 3131 points ยท Posted at 15:21:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HEY BENNY, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RIVER
DiscoKid28 ยท 1326 points ยท Posted at 16:10:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOOKS LIKE I HAVE ALL THE HOORRR-SEEESS!
Phaylevyce ยท 569 points ยท Posted at 16:27:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
holy shit i have to watch The Mummy now.
DiscoKid28 ยท 176 points ยท Posted at 17:00:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
creepy wind noise
โ...that happens a lot around here.โ
P0sitive_Outlook ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:14:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hostiles"
Did you hear that?!
It was just the wind.
Since when did the wind say "Hoooostiles"?
wasteoffire ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:21:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man the first mummy was so good. Perfect mix of excitement and adventure. The next two were very bad
BattleStag17 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:31:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll admit, I really enjoyed the second one. Not as much, but it was good.
The third one... not so much.
wasteoffire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:24:09 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the second one mostly out of nostalgia. Rewatching it now a lot of it makes very little sense lol. Imhotep wasted huge amounts of time just trying to scare people
LouSputhole94 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 16:59:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/savebrendan
FlowerMonkeyButt ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:12:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They added it to prime last week
michakushed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:03:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The mummy? It's not:/ I just checked and decided to out on Raiders of the Lost Ark to fill the void
sarah-xxx ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 16:38:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good Lord, that movie's ancient..
RowanCharlton ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 16:44:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not as ancient as ya mum
MonkeyDJinbeTheClown ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 16:52:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*mummy
throw_my_phone ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:01:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, that's Mummy not ancient.
Jacollinsver ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:00:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What how old are you. The Egyptian pyramids aren't even that old they were built like last year
glatdos5 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:38:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The good mummy
TheMadTemplar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, it's so fucking good.
cockknocker1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This
iWillNeverBeHere ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:17:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for giving us this reference. XD
GEOlogyDUDE ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 16:15:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Burns, Prince Imhotep thanks you for your hospitality. And for your eyes, and for your tongue. But I'm afraid more is needed. The prince must finish the job... and consummate the curse, which you and your friends have brought down upon yourselves.
Vrathal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:44:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this is a The Mummy reference, but I definitely read this in a Smithers voice.
ICryKittens ยท 163 points ยท Posted at 16:07:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP Benny
BennyGumz ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 16:08:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks fam x
TheChaoticEvilDm ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:14:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
CrispyHexagon ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 16:36:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/scarabbeetlejuicing
SavingsLow ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:54:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too soon
magicmikereal1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Put me in the screenshot, plz.
SAGNUTZ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:17:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm editing both of us out.
TheHodag ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:16:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That asshole shot me in the head and left me for dead. No RIP from me.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:48:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ring a ding ding!
imgstd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What in the goddamn
Primid47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let's keep this in the groove, hey? Smooth moves, like smooth little babies.
w00tburger ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:39:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goodbye Benny
starkbutt3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:39:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
F
FufuCuddlyPoops8 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:23:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goodbye Benny
nahfoo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:21:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah fuck him
cobywankenobi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:53:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
G'bye Benny
0ney ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:26:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP Benny Harvey, miss you big man. Gone but not forgotten
MortalCoil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:17:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The internet is dark and full of spoilers
shapu ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:11:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did those people hurt Brendan Fraser so?
IMSYE87 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:09:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yea... but itโs looks to me like I have all the horses
Sabrielle24 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:32:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really didnโt expect to see a Mummy reference here, but Iโm really pleased to see it, and I now want to watch that film.
Update: I watched it.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:19:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that this is what I thought of before I even finished reading OPโs comment
Scherazade ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:11:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/mummymemes
CatManDontDo ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:13:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedbrendanfrasier
Mahaffeyy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:20:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could hear that. Thank you.
BrownBoiler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:24:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh the memories. Please have this upvote.
MisplacedLonghorn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:43:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love that damn movie so much it's unnatural!
eryeriada ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:16:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But we still have all the horses ;)
FirebirdNick ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:24:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You made my day dude
weareallgoofygoobers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:34:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anything for Firebird nick <3
GetBumRushedMate ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:40:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/ZIOsPR-Vu7Y
mrnoobdude ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:17:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you reach the halfway point of Fallout New Vegas and chose any faction but the Legion.
witch--king ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:58:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit this is where my mind went to first. Then again Iโve been replaying fnv...
We are on the wrong side of the river tho. Gotta get to Zion!
mrnoobdude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:01:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zion and Joshua's Pistol WHIPPIN'.
witch--king ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:54:35 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs pistol whippin IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!
AlliCakes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:28:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen this reference pop up like five times this year. That movie is a classic. Ah, Brendan Fraser, where have you gone?
TheMadTemplar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Right? The Mummy probably killed his career. How do you go up from there?
AlliCakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought Encino Man was the big upswerve, boy was I wrong.
TheMadTemplar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:07:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit dude. I remember seeing parts of this movie on late night tv back in the late 90's as a kid. I had started thinking they were just weird fucking dreams.
ilinamorato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like you lost your oxygen tank!
Olddawg90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey /u/weareallgoofygoobers, it looks like you havenโt subscribed to /r/themummymemes!!
weareallgoofygoobers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:56:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dang it I'm letting daddy Brenden down
Olddawg90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also go to /r/savebrendan to show support while youโre at it
themerinator12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHey OโConnell, guess whoโs got all the horses?!โ
โHey Benny, guess whoโs on the wrong side of the rivverr??โ
missxmeow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg love it, I just watched that movie :)
thr0w4w4y528 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FAVORITE MOVIE
putnut01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that reference came right out of
purpleblue.turymtz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HEY BENNY, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RI-VERRRRR!
Evinsprings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awe! I love that movie :)
It_Just_Scott_Frosty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I make this reference all the time and people never get it. I'm glad at least reddit understands.
HawkCommandant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Truth is: The game was rigged from the start.
Chungpels ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 16:52:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the demetri Martin bit. "A person waved at me from across the street. He walked up to me and said "sorry, I thought you were someone else" I said "I am"
-Mountain-King- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I called a friend of mine and said "hey, is David there?" A woman said "you have the wrong number." I said "no... I'm trying to avoid him."
scratch-the-itch ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:33:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Borderline philosophical.
FrankyOsheeyen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The road up is the road down!
tehswfty ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:13:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
jhove5010 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 16:20:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre probably overthinking it. The โother sideโ is always going to be the side they arenโt currently on.
mp3max ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:44:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From the stranger's pov, the other guy is already on "the other side of the river"
Tropical_Bob ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:56:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From my point of view, the Jedi are on the other side.
olvini3 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:31:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/technicallythetruth
JulianMcJulianFace ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:16:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK YOU TONY
sergnoff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:30:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So hello from the other siiiiide
ColourOf3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHATS YOUR NAME?
JulianMcJulianFace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT!?
ColourOf3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:06 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHATS YOUR NAME?!?
DanBcReasons ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:08:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NO YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE
RarestnoobPePe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:17:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, made me laugh
rahkris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy was trying to hang a picture in the corridor wall by hammering on the wrong side of the nail. Another guy upon seeing this says.. "you bonehead, its meant for the other side of the wall".
Ridicule_us ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neal: He says we're going the wrong way...
Del: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?
lithium91w ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't Talk To Strangers on the other side of rivers.
mandaday ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this as a blonde joke.
QBNless ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:58:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Uncle_Skeeter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever a stranger walks up to me and says "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Guess what? I am.
Hero_of_Brandon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brandywine Bridge: 20 miles.
Oikeus_niilo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From my point of view, I have the highground
royalhawk345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You're going the wrong way!"
FoxFire64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, take it easy!!....youโre on the other side.
sniffles_snort ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Much better joke: Guy on one side of river yells โIโve got to get to the other sideโ Guy on opposite shore โCongratulationsโ
quantumized ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only one that actually made me giggle out loud.
RonPolyp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reasonably sure I've read a slightly more poetic version of this in a book of Zen koans.
Tassemet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK YOU! YOU COME OVER HERE!
YourDadHatesYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
REPOST
Sorry, I thought I was on /r/jokes
icebergelishious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!"
Oh he's drunk! How would he know where we're going?
formershitpeasant ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:26:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works better as a blond joke
Kylerbull ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:36:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's over anakin, i have the other side!
Banks_cashmoney ยท 1004 points ยท Posted at 14:16:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: I had the craziest dream last night...
Them: Really? What was it about?
Me: I had a dream that I was a muffler...
Them: a muffler? Like a car muffler?
Me: yeah, I woke up exhausted.
This is my go to joke, and Iโve never seen someone not laugh at it.
hap_hap_happy_feelz ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 14:19:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just told my husband it...he laughed!
Thanks!
Misstonnes ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 17:12:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my boyfriend and he sighed and said "oh no..."
SarcasticDumbasss ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:30:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Keep this man, he seems sincere.
Misstonnes ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:54:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's a good one! And also into cars so I thought he would've at least chuckled!
Notcreativeatall1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:10:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that reaction hahaha
Hates_escalators ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:33:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man who runs in front of a car will get tired. A man who runs behind a car gets exhausted. And a man who walks through the turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
Shufflebuzz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:31:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
withlovefromjake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
there once was a man from peru
who dreamt he was eating his shoe
he awoke with a fright
in the middle of the night
to find that his dream had come true
_im_just_saying ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:31:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To add to that: What happens to a jogger when he runs behind a car? He gets exhausted. What happens to a jogger when her runs in front of a car? He gets tired.
Every3Years ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:00:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been practicing this joke for a few minutes. Today's gonna be great
hannah95352 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:29:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha this is my dadโs go to, always reminds me of him :)
steveo3387 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:09:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a girl in high school tell me this joke at least ten times. So now I've told it to my wife a hundred times. It works best if you say it right after you wake up. It delays the groan a little bit.
ti3g3r2000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just told this to my manager and he laughed.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:31:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
perfsmerf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:38:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is your girlfriend 8 years old
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:49:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
perfsmerf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:52:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah
LeftNutofTalos ยท 12591 points ยท Posted at 13:08:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Son: "Dad were you shot in the Army?"
Dad: "No son, I was shot in the leggy."
galtic ยท 2675 points ยท Posted at 15:39:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep is armies?
In his sleevies!
Sambothebassist ยท 863 points ยท Posted at 16:09:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once said this as where does Hitler keep his armies during a History lesson and got detention for making jokes about Nazi Germany.
Still one of the funniest stupid jokes ever though.
bugjuice_mama ยท 719 points ยท Posted at 16:48:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little natzies.
Shufflebuzz ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 17:29:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and flies over Poland?
Snotzies
topper4444 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 18:33:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Hitler wear glasses?
Because he could natsee
neonflannel ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:43:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it like this. "How did Hitler tie his little shoozies? With little natzies!"
Jacob_Grayson ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:56:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Hitler hide his armies?
Poland.
Rebecca102017 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:01:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop it I might pee my pants
Crunchy_Biscuit ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 17:22:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anne Frankly, Jew did Nazi that coming.
kevin_k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:53 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better if you say โshoesiesโ
mrbaconator2 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 17:01:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how dare child you make fun of nazi germany they are a sacred institution /s
ayy_bb_wan_sum_fuk ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:17:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hitler's the man! He's never been wrong!
(Please get this reference or this will look really bad)
gaynazifurry4bernie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:19:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hearts of Iron?
ayy_bb_wan_sum_fuk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Furherreich, a mod for HOI4
PM_ME_VUDU_KEYS ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:57:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs even better if you change the punchline to Poland
Halinn ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 17:01:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a bad reason. Nazis should be ridiculed.
gwaydms ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:42:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's why Mel Brooks did it. He said people like Hitler don't care if people hate them, but can't stand to be laughed at.
GForce1975 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:16:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little Nazis
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:32:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like something that might happen in nazi germany
halfhere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:54:33 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or in the UK (Count Dankula nazi pug video)
PoeticMadnesss ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:52:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet you did nazi that coming
hilarymeggin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:39:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a humorless teacher!
tweez ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:27:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best Nazi joke I think is โโmy grandad died in a Nazi camp...poor guy fell out the watchtower โ
konkeydong ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Were you living in Nazi Germany at the time?
NilDovah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is that even remotely detention-worthy?
Immersi0nn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah Godwin's law strikes again! Also related: I have a friend named Kyle and sometimes when looking for him in a group, we'll shout out "Seen Kyle? He's about this tall" and put out a hand in a mock nazi salute. Play on words to 'Sieg Heil"
Tueful_PDM ยท 211 points ยท Posted at 16:30:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Hitler keep his armies?
Mainly France and Poland.
skyskr4per ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 16:49:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/AntiJokes
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:44:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeesh.
a_herd_of_elephants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a follow up to where does a general keep his armies joke, i laughed most at this and will probably steal it.
pandajuice17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:21:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You must be fun at parties
alecesne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well done.
Leonashanana ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:32:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers? Under his buccan hat.
Lewminardy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:31:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you need to build a green house?
Paint ๐จ
TaxFreeNFL ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:55:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is an old polish joke.
AlCrawtheKid ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:25:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad has told me this joke over one hundred times, but I can never be annoyed with him about it because he always looks so proud of himself whenever he says it.
xsvpollux ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:45:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mom used to love telling this joke when I was a little kid. I was also a very literal child, and it took me years to figure out that he didn't actually have room in his sleevies for goddamn armies
Fireneji ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:18:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I too played the Impossible Quiz
MaximusTheGreat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:46:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my go-to favourite :)
sabersquirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Old stupid test anyone?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this to me? Iโm dumb.
sleevy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:15:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, the joke sounds like it's talking about armies and you would expect those to be kept in like barracks or something, but the joke is it's just the word arms said in a funny way. Since arms go into sleeves in a shirt, the joke proceeds to say sleeves in an equally silly way.
Source: am expert on this joke
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:17:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I understand now. Thank you very much, sleevy.
Also username checks out. You waited 7 years for this.
thebigbadben ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:47:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoesies?
With little Nazis
nonnaalee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one kills me every damn time and I donโt know why! It pisses me off!!
sleevy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke right here lol
TheSinningRobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have to pull your arms into your sleeves and wiggle them around when delivering this punchline
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet I know where you got your shoes...
On your feet!
The_Commander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was my go to joke when I was a kid! Never failed to get a laugh.
nomsville ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where are the Andes?
At the end of your armies!
zx7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In a box buried in his back yard.
naltsta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?
In a rack.
Palanelinion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used this one on my nephew repeatedly, then one day switched it up to: Where did Hitler keep his armies? Poland, mostly.
daisyuproar ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:50:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm so pissed this one fucking got me.
Tresickle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too what the fuck
legothor ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:57:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Pr0cel ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:57:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant ๐
CaioNV ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:20:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is the worst one in the topic.
Which is a compliment, so, congratulations!
pip_goes_pop ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:58:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where are the Andes?
At the end of your armies.
dragosol ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:37:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol
ApricitySeed ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:49:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:p
Whos_Sayin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:24:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies
WillTakePantsOff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best one
Isord ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:02:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What country were you stationed in?
Djibouti.
Where is that?
Right above Djlegsies.
mwPlusOne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good thing he wasn't shot in the Navy.
cmdk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did I laugh so hard at this one
shockwaveJB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The enemy awper must have been pissed
PoopyMcFartButt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminded me of any time a military person would come in during the โGreat American Teach Inโ and there would always be that one kid who asks the guy (or gal) if they had ever killed someone. The whole class would groan and then the person would go on their spiel about how you never ask someone that. Good times!
Edit: is the โGreat American Teach Inโ something done all over the U.S.?
jenninzj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhy does a general need Armies?โ
โTo move his handies.โ
ksanthra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: Where are the Andes? Kid: At the end of the armies.
stumpythetooth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
firebreathingdimsum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one always cracks me up ridiculously
MonkeyPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found out my brother was I to anti-jokes, so I hit him with this twist on that classic.
Me: Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
Bro: In his sleevies.
Me: (Sadly, eyes downcast) ... Russia, mostly....
joehemith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What type of bees make milk...
Boobees.
Pete_Castiglione_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did George Washington keep his Armies?
In his sleevies
wrightlyrong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i dont get it
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:23:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This would be fun to stretch out over a long joke, something like the son working up to ask his father where he was shot
mutual_headsup ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:36:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad to son: "I used to be a little boy like you, but then I took a shot in the leggy"
Citizen_Ken ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of:
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
Up his sleevies
CaucInvasion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:53:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
With nazis!
[deleted] ยท 7040 points ยท Posted at 10:40:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
palordrolap ยท 1970 points ยท Posted at 14:04:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hired a Czech housekeeper, and when I left home the other morning she had just started vacuuming the lounge. When I got home she was just finishing that same job.
Turns out she's a Slovak.
DeadBlueBuck ยท 726 points ยท Posted at 14:27:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, I don't get this.
Edit: Wait, I think I do get this. Is it something with words "Slow" and "Vacuuming"?
I'm actually Czech and I don't get English puns really fast enough
iguanamonkey ยท 283 points ยท Posted at 14:48:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got it now: Slow + โvacโ (which is short for vacuum)
KJ6BWB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get it until this. Slovak is pronounced slow+vahk, whereas vacuum is pronounced ... uhm I'm stymied for the first time but it's a lot more nasal.
[deleted] ยท -24 points ยท Posted at 16:27:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
is_it_on ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 16:47:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
rugmunchkin ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 16:24:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs not really your fault for not getting it. The โvakโ is not typically pronounced the same way the โvacโ in vacuum is pronounced in English, so itโs easy to miss this one.
RandomDS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:32:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually funnier than the joke!
PersikovsLizard ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:23:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It barely works in English, because the second vowel in Slovak is not the same as in "vac". But English vowels are quite different in different dialects so who knows.
Rather meh.
victoriaspongebob ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:34:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It works in British English - we say the vak in Slovak like the vac in vacuum.
HeroBobGamer ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:18:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm American, I also say the vak in Slovak like the vac in vacuum.
blong36 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:31:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
American from the Midwest and I pronounce Slovak with a short "o", and the "a" is pronounced more like a short "i". However, for Slovakia, the "o" is pronounced more like a short "u", and the first "a" is more like a short "o".
I got the joke right away, but if I were to hear it with my normal pronunciation, it wouldn't really work.
Edit: I just realized that I've been pronouncing Slovak wrong my entire life. The o is always long. The a is where it varies.
ivanwarrior ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:24:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Slow-Vaa-kia and Slow-vok
bighootay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:20:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, Dead, I speak English and didn't get it till I read your post!
EliQuince ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure you're Czech.. seems like you might also be Slovak
DeadBlueBuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:14:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm actual ยผ Slovak, that might be it.
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:47:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Psst, that was another pun on 'slow')
DeadBlueBuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:04:16 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(I actually saw that one lol, I just wanted to write this)
Putridgrim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Quiet you with your Burrito Loco and you're really hilly city! I'm waiting for an American land whale to try to get escalators installed in Prague.
Mind_on_Idle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All good. English is full of bullshit play-on-sounds.
adhikapp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or alternatively: "She's a slow fuck" could work.
6018674512 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:07:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think you're Czech. You should ask your mama if she ever slept with a Slovak.
Dandadaman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Need to explain a joke? Have you tried to look it up on Seznam?? #facepalm
TheSwain ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:39:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vahhh-cuum cleaner. Donโt worry, no one pronounces vacuum with a soft a like that. And no one pronounces Slovak with a hard a. Itโs not your fault.
Source: Am a quarter SlovAAAk.
DeadBlueBuck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:17:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thx for explanation, I still don't know all English pronounciations and accents etc. (I'm better at writing than talking English).
Btw. I'm also a quarter Slovak, where the other three quarters of you from?
TheSwain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Danish (where my name comes from), and a bunch of weird mixed English/Irish/German.
Nekromast ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 14:38:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She's a "slovak"-slow...ak, hehe
MAKE_ME_REDDIT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got it partially right.
zyqkvx ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 16:23:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the joke wasn't that good because Slovak is pronounce 'slaw-vic' and slow vacuum shortened would be pronounced 'slow-vac'.
MeatThatTalks ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 16:33:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Slavic, as in a Slav, is pronounced like that. Slovak, as in someone from Slovakia, is "slow-vac", which is what they said.
EDIT: I guess I should clarify that Slovak is often pronounced 'slow-vawk' too, so depending on your dialect, it still might not work. Any Slovaks wanna weigh in on which you consider correct?
zyqkvx ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:20:41 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was wrong I think. I looked up the pronunciation in the dictionary and it sounds like 'slow-vawk' like you said here.
rhombusaurus36 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's good for anyone who isn't Slovak
mitchthetrickster ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:22:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Czech midget is on the run from the police. He runs into a pawn shop and asks the owner, "Sir, would you be able to cache a small Czech?"
anomalous-asshole ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But it turned out she was being controlled by multivac.
PM_YOUR_AREOLAE ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/GirlsFinishingTheJob ? (NSFW...)
clemoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:42:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two athletes are in the infield during track and field at the Olympics. One says to the other, 'Are you a Pole Vaulter?' The other guy looks at him incredulous and says, 'Yes I'm a Pole, but how did your know my name vas Valter?'
My grandmother's favorite...
ComradesAgainstWomen ยท 218 points ยท Posted at 10:44:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay this one got me
wolverine-claws ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 10:49:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard this hahahha this is gold
Cookester ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:59:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a stage tech. I hear this one way too often. Along with "know why audio guys check their mics without going past the number 2? Because you lift on 3."
DlSSATISFIEDGAMER ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:03:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A colleague of mine likes this one "i did sound for Adolph Hitler once, he brought his own gear. A really nice Mein Ampf"
adviceKiwi ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 15:29:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably because you just read it and didn't actually hear it at all
BabyWrinkles ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:50:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go-to sound check is:
Pop. Pop. Popsicle.
Ice. Ice. Icicle.
Test. Test. Testing one, two, three.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
nutraxfornerves ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:32:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend, a short guy from Prague, ran afoul of the Mob and had to go into hiding. He asked me for help. โCan you cache a small Czech?โ
[deleted] ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 11:27:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
classicicedtea ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 11:29:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check one two
tiempo90 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 12:44:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check one two
Jackrwood ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 13:20:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sibilance.
chettwk4 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:58:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is that from again?
miles_allan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:02:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wayne's World; not the movie, but one of the SNL skits
chettwk4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aah yes, thank you. It was Kevin Nealon I think...
DjEclectic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tom Hanks when Aerosmith was on.
Nequam_Asinus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:02:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooooh
[deleted] ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 13:17:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wooooohhhsh
BalliMalli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:04:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What
tiempo90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:29 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Uh... uh, yeah.
casualdelirium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:36:39 on August 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
CHECK ONE TWO
BalliMalli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:11 on August 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I knew it was gonna happen :/
mrglubglub ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:41:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The understanding of the joke for me is not
kioopi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this thing on?
GoonerKitten ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:19:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this to my dad's fiancee, who's Czech. She loved it.
behv ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:54:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My personal take on this I use during soundchecks since I am a technician is โI have a friend from Turkey. I have a Czech one, tooโ
hobolow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:30:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hikers, one Polish and one Czech, were out in the woods when they got eaten by bears. Investigators shot and killed two bears and opened up the female, finding the Polish hiker. "Don't worry," one investigator said, "the Czech's in the male."
shatteredarm1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who had the first trampoline in the Czech Republic? He was the first Czech to bounce.
What do they call an abortion in the Czech Republic?
Canceled Czech
critterfree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:43:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is his name Mike?
QuarterSwede ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:45:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a former sound engineer and tech I approve ... and sent this on to my friends still in the business.
ynotbehappy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, committing to memory.
DMala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I test a lot of pro audio equipment, Iโm totally using this next time I have to talk into a mic and donโt know what to say.
KipKersey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, one, two
freesoup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sent this to my polish sound tech friend. She gonna luv it.
redstoneguy12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. Probably because I have no clue how to pronounce Czech
lNTERLINKED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's pronounced the same as "check"
U8336Tea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, or two? One, or two?
HaykoKoryun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Prague, you should Czech it out.
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am Polish American. Laughed way too hard
veloxthekrakenslayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you have an abortion in Prague is it a canceled Czech?
mtutty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like Trump talking. I wonder if he's just been dad-joking us into oblivion this whole time, and we don't get the punchlines.
ThatBritishPleb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:38:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โSnottie, beam me upโ
โLock one, Lock two, Lock three, Lock Lomondโ
EDIT: Lomond not Lamond
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:32:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?!
philipwhiuk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:41:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lomond
DemiGod9 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:52:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one!
Charsca ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:55:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant
PowerMan2206 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:54:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 11:42:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
is this a non joke though?
famalamo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:46:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's a regular ol joke
[deleted] ยท -23 points ยท Posted at 11:44:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poland and Czech Rep are 2 different countries?
DeadBlueBuck ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 12:35:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
Source: I'm Czech and not Polish
AndrewF45 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:38:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Confirm.
Source: I'm also Czech and not Polish
ZetZetix ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:48:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm as well.
Source: Went to elementary school
philipwhiuk ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:42:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow
the_7th_phoenix ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:50:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
_thats_not_me_ ยท 827 points ยท Posted at 11:12:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to grab some steam the other day. I mist.
grumbliegrump ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 13:14:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
cute
bbgun91 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:40:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no me
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:11:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no u
Destiny_Seeker ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:36:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ellie busts this one out in Last of Us. Caught me off guard
desertindy24 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:43:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rest in peace boiled water. You will be mist.
Camero32 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:33:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I fired again, and I mist
EloquentBarbarian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're just full of hot air and blowing smoke.
artBeehive ยท 1148 points ยท Posted at 13:23:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To spell 'panda' you just need P and A.
Ryadad ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 18:09:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That took me like 20 seconds to get, I feel slow
eriennexton ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 16:11:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But that just spells Pa....
WelpI'mdumb
[deleted] ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 18:00:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
JokerGotham_Deserves ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:37:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Parks and Aecreation
mr_chanderson ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:41:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PanDuhh
eriennexton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:35 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rub it in why don't you XD
JonSnowInTheTardis ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 19:16:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And only C and Y for candy
Markantilism ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:41:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
L and scape for landscape
vinegarstrokes420 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:34:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure we're not the only ones, but my friends and I call the Presidents and Assholes card game Panda... called it P and A for a little bit before it naturally just turned into Panda
maully ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:01:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one was hard
Sack-of-bean ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:44:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It took me hours to figure this out lol
SciviasKnows ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:34:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works in Python.
BigBlackCrocs ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:29:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works much better in text form
-MartinLuthier- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:09:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So meta.
joethebro96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was expecting a "No D in panda" joke
Gamecrazy721 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And a what?
jseego ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:11:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no, you need the D
JacZones ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:26:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This gets a laugh every time?
TheKaWessel ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:45:43 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/showerthoughts
[deleted] ยท 3570 points ยท Posted at 10:42:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
wolverine-claws ยท 382 points ยท Posted at 10:49:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha never heard that one before. Thatโs amazing.
Teh_Doctah ยท 1082 points ยท Posted at 11:28:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend told me I listened to the Monkees too much. At first I didnโt believe her.
But then I saw her face.
cmd_iii ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 14:15:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend who was so annoying, constantly quoting song lyrics. I asked them to stop, but they wouldn't. Finally, I gave up on them. Now, they're just somebody that I used to know.
formlessfish ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:07:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You didnโt have to cut them off
wolverine-claws ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 11:45:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HAHAHAHHA I love it!
t0f0b0 ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 16:00:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Metallica. She left me.
Sad, but true.
dahmer_chameleon ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 18:12:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife is leaving me because of my Marvin Gaye obsession. She didn't tell me herself, I heard it through the grapevine.
SciviasKnows ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:44:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my son he listens to too much Imagine Dragons. He asked what I was going to do to make him stop. I told him whatever it takes.
metans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:39:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend asked what he should wear to my Nirvana-themed party, I said "come as you are"
RancidLemons ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 17:06:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was telling my therapist I was having a hard time sticking to my goal of not singing Bare Naked Ladies hits at inappropriate times.
He asked me when my last relapsed was.
I looked at him sadly and said "it's been..."
_lemonpledge_ ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 12:08:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're a believer now. Gold!
FrankDrakman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:06:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just another Pleasant Valley Sunday.
InsertFurmanism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Iโm a believer!
Pube_Stretcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chili pepper cross the road?
To get to the other side
skepticalspectacle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I'm a Belieber
SquidgeSquadge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I came here to post this joke.
FluttershyOwl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I'ma believe her.
dogshenanigans ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 16:37:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went with my sister to an Oasis show. As they came on stage i screamed "Go Oasis!" And my sister frowned and left.....
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:40:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoosh? Please help.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:41:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nevermind, got it.
Crunchles ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:47:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any help for those of us slower than you?
Crunchles ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:47:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nevermind, got it.
Itsoktobe ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:05:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
scratches head
Eeerhm..
Itsoktobe ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:07:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Nvm.
Simon_Magnus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:03:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I genuinely do not understand.
Simon_Magnus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:17:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay first of all, I'm a guy. Second of all stop telling me to leave and just explain the joke to me.
metans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:36:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The guy just really got too into Oasis and it embarrassed his sister, ok?
Plaedes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just keep repeating it aloud. Go Oasis.
CranialEctomy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Go away, sis (Oasis)"
Daevilhoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go Oasis = Go Away Sis
LetsGoBuyTomatoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
go away sis!! it took me way too long wow
redumbdant_antiphony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:53:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was it? It was deleted.
wolverine-claws ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:05:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Oasis.
I said maybe...
mercurly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:15 on August 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. I saved the original comment then went back to tell it to someone and it was deleted. You saved the day!
Lastrevio ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 16:29:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How in the FUCK have you not heard this joke before
BlueBerrySyrup ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:07:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://xkcd.com/1053/
thirddegreebyrne ยท 274 points ยท Posted at 14:06:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend broke up with me because I make too many linkin park references but in the end it doesn't even matter..
lafaldagunner ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 16:37:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I didn't stop quoting Linkin Park songs. So I'm breaking the habit tonight.
Tragoron ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 18:01:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told these to my wife, but she didn't find them funny, she's become so numb
TheIronNinja ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:31:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was trying to think of a quote to say, but Iโve given up.
metans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's enough lying from you
doublecupp69 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:13:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, i automatically read the last part of your joke to the tune of the song haha.
ecky--ptang-zooboing ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 11:51:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anyway, here's Wonderwall
operarose ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:16:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That in itself never fails to make me smile.
gravityapple ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:22:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/outoftheloop - I see this all the time, whatโs t from?
happyevil ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 15:42:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The song Wonderwall. It was a popular song from the mid 90's.
It first started gaining cliche type hatred in guitar shops. Everyone coming in would play fucking Wonderwall. This happened to the point that some Guitar shops would literally post signs forbidding the song as it drove everyone crazy hearing it all day long.
Eventually it extended to campfire and party situations where some random guy brings a guitar (usually without asking) and people ask him if he can play or other unrelated questions but instead he just plays Wonderwall ("anyway here's Wonderwall"). Typically associated with that one guy at the party trying way too hard to get laid (which is why he brought the guitar no one asked for that he barely knows how to play in the first place).
After a few years it converted from cliche/hatred to meme/trolling territory and that's where it sits today. People playing Wonderwall ironically and other people enjoying it ironically.
Sambothebassist ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 16:16:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the weird part, its meme status has come full circle. I was recently with a group of work colleagues who didn't know I could play guitar, and I picked one up and said "Anyways, here's Wonderwall", started playing it and everyone joined in, I was only gonna play the first few bars like for the laughs but ended up having to play the whole fucking thing.
Tbf, I was in Manchester so that may have skewed results somewhat.
nutstomper ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:34:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No stairway? DENIED
willpeterson6 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:08:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it unironically.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 17:38:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
willpeterson6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know
happyevil ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:11:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, it suffered from overplaying because it was a good song. Lol
gravityapple ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:55:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhh.... I know wonderwall (90s kid here) I just assumed this was a movie quote
etherama1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard the part about the guitar shops was about Stairway to Heaven
happyevil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure it's happened with a lot of overly popular guitar riff songs.
Crakkerz79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For me it was โGood Riddanceโ
Portarossa ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:22:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend bought a secondhand car from Bonnie Tyler. It's shit.
Every now and then it falls apart.
[deleted] ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 12:35:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
NOLAEducator ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 13:01:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They have a song called โWonderwallโ and thatโs one of the lines for it.
Korvath_Kain ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:01:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do they have any other songs?
glitch177k ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 16:13:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely, Maybe.
tamadekami ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:46:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
D'you know what I mean?
DaughterOfNone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:37:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatever.
JustABitOfCraic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:03:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the correct punchline to the original joke. Nothing to do with wonderwall.
glitch177k ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the same thing.
BanItAgainSam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:34:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't really wanna know.
willpeterson6 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:05:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know your probably making a joke but yes and I can definitely recommend whatever.
Fats33 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:13:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
edit: I stand corrected.
TricksterPriestJace ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:14:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wonderwall was very popular back in the day, and a lot of people loved to sing along. And at the chorus there is a very prominent drawn out Maybeeeeee. It quickly reached the point where just singing 'maybeee' is enough to get people to think of the song.
JustABitOfCraic ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:06:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punchline should be "Definitely Maybe" , after the title of their debut album.
Charsca ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 13:57:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who never heard of OASIS?
xaanthar ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:36:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But is not Oasis the greatest British band since the Beatles? Can we not vote on this?!
popsickle_in_one ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 15:46:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Queen?
epicurean56 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:57:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who?
yomyoo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:30:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really hope this was a pun
epicurean56 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:53:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
Bhill68 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:38:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd go with Led Zeppelin
brother_p ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:00:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Jam
ooofest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
MrTumblesReefer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:22:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Artic Monkeys
sdrawkcabdaertseb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, mayyybbbeeeeeee
Sharlinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Surely you never really had a doubt?
Dischump ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:01:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Today, it's gonna be the day...
MyNameIsTrue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:39:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that a drink?
thebrid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:48:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People that have not a single friend with an acoustic guitar.
remedialrob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah welcome to feeling old.
t184256 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard of wonderwall and could maybe sing the chorus and some of the verses if it came on the radio but I never cared enough to know who sang it
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 14:15:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
OneSquirtBurt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:51:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard of them either if it makes you feel any better.
ultitaria ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky individuals
marlow41 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 16:35:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're honestly happier not knowing.
hairychris88 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:10:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you remember Oasis soup?
You got a roll with it.
lazlowoodbine ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:40:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta take your time.
JustABitOfCraic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:07:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always preferred their lasagna.
dorkside10411 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:28:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was telling her friend to listen to Panic! at the Disco.
Then I chimed in.
graaahh ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:51:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I didn't give up my crazy obsession with 90's boy bands.
I said, "It may seem crazy but it AIN'T NO LIE, baby, BYE BYE BYE"
_duncan_idaho_ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:49:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to my doctor because I couldn't stop singing Tom Jones's songs. I asked if it was a rare condition. He said it's not unusual...
RustyToaster206 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:05:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI SAID MAYBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYโ ftfy
Wee_McPirate ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:34:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs Whitney Houstonโs favourite type of coordination?
(loudly, to the Bodyguard tune)
HAND-EYEEEEEE-EEEEE-EYEEEE-EEEEE-EYEEEEE!
rchard2scout ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 13:08:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend asked me to stop quoting Metallica, but nothing else matters.
PM_FAKE_SWEAR_WORD ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:20:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend broke up with me for quoting Linkin Park too much. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
bbgun91 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:38:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
said maybe
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:45:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BanItAgainSam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:42:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
said maybeeeee
takesnosides ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:04:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I the only one who thought of "Live Forever" instead of "Wonderwall" first?
lostinajungle ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:28:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe. Do you really wanna know?
emcee117 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:45:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down.
davelebies ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:49:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โForgive me father, I canโt stop reciting Barenaked Ladies lyrics.โ
โHow long has it been since your last confession?โ
โITโS BEEN...โ
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:15:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
melindu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been texting all of these to my best friend. Pretty sure she's not amused either.
DayVDave ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:18:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkeys. At first I didn't believe her. But then I saw her face...
Petersontechnician ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:08:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said she needed to take a break and go listen to TLC in nature. I said don't go chasin' waterfalls.
marchillo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:47:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife told me I need to quit singing Barenaked Ladies for the rest of the year. I checked the calendar today and IT'S BEEN...
melindu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:58:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend asked me when I'd finally stop singing Smashing Pumpkin songs to him. I said tonight...
randomlyapple ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:09:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain??
TheCaramelMan ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 12:12:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oasis is a band whose most popular song is Wonderwall. The chorus starts with โI said maybe...โ
TheHeartlessCookie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:21:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anyway, here's Wonderwall.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:36:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
StealthRabbi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Andy Bernard?
randomlyapple ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:17:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ah, band reference. Thanks!
animeshouldbeillegal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:45:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always thought he said, โ Because, maybeโ
Gracien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You heard the campfire version
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.. that's what the lyrics are.
Gracien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never bothered to look the lyrics and have only heard campfire versions, thanks for the info!
MikeWillisUK ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:58:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're both right. First time is "Because maybe" ... all the following times are "I said maybe"
Source.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 13:29:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES MEEEE
WhyApplePie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:46:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
AND AFTER ALL
DraginPengin33 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:59:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOUโRE MY WONDERWALL
Pit-trout ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:17:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said maybeโฆ
CLU2049 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The song is Live Forever. Not Wonderwall.
DaughterOfNone ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:39:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Both have "maybe" in their chorus, but "I said maybe..." is definitely from Wonderwall.
CLU2049 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:45:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love how I've been downvoted. Not it isn't. Look up the lyrics to Wonderwall or listen to the song.. it says 'Because maybe..'
LYRICS TO LIVE FOREVER: I said maybe I don't really wanna know How your garden grows 'Cause I just wanna fly
DaughterOfNone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:14:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First chorus is "because maybe". Subsequent ones are "I say/said maybe".
TheGloriousNugget ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She gets kind of angry when she's hungry. So I gave her a bowl of Oasis soup. You get a roll with it...
rik4lea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had some Oasis soup in a restaurant last week. It's just like normal soup, but you get a roll with it.
mastersw999 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your gonna be the one that saves me.
glitch177k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely maybe.
BIG_IDEA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend left me becuase I to too much Linkin Park. But in the end it doesn't even matter.
eluveitiefan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I listen to too much Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesnโt even matter
Emrillick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll bite, I don't get it
smugthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my new go to. Thank you!
emptycollins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Today is gonna be the day that I give an upvote to you
Evil_Dick_Turder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre joke caused an unstoppable smile!
ryouba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife asked me to tell her about the first time I heard My Chemical Romance, so I told her "When I was, a young boy..."
reaper21x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My second favorite band is Ezra....
What's your first?
Better Than Ezra.
ColDaddySupreme1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:15:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TODAY IS GONNA BE THE DAY THAT THEYRE GONNA BRING BACK TO YOU
bird1759 ยท 2496 points ยท Posted at 11:25:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. We are efficient and do not have humor.
SleeplessShitposter ยท 788 points ยท Posted at 13:59:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Brazillion.
philboswaggins ยท 565 points ยท Posted at 14:20:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, just Juan.
cszafnicki ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 16:39:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can combine those two jokes:
How many people does it take to negotiate a peace treaty between Mexico and South America?
A Brazilian and Juan.
Cinemaphreak ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:29:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This will be how I tell this joke, kudos for the better punchline.
Nabber86 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:51:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I plumber said, let me introduce you to my assistants, Hose A and Hose B.
croatiancroc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is for Americans.
philboswaggins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:46 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was actually seeing a latin guy who had lived in the US for a long time as a teen/young adult, he told me about a guy in his school who was 10 times more latin than he could ever be. Both were called Juan. Iโll never forget the rant that ended with โI got totally out-Juaned! He was number Juan!โ
ajgrinds ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:11:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Let's go ride a bike.
beleg_tal ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:26:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now, where did I leave my bike ...
ApricitySeed ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:47:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The President watches the news. "Three Brazillian soldiers have been killed today..." His jaw drops. His face turns white, and he feels faint. He turns to his concerned guard.
"How many's a Brazillian?"
[deleted] ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 14:18:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One Brazilian
dhhsuwgxvxhso9 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:02:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
jaun brazillion
zSprawl ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:11:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Juan Brazilian....
dudesweetman ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:04:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many venezuelans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Irelevant, stores dont have any.
Lieyanto ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:24:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"3 Brazilians died"
"That's terrible! How much is one Brazillion?"
tinkerer13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:30:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two... they are: Jen, Tina
jamieF1604 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:17:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this a Bush joke?
Majormlgnoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
X-Symphonic ยท 195 points ยท Posted at 14:39:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"It's German humor mate, it's no laughing matter."
Nonoctis ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:55:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a ZF Clan reference ?
X-Symphonic ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:56:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, yes it is
Hykr ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:47:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oooo I feel like I know this reference but I'm not quite sure. Where is it from?
X-Symphonic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:58:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Soviet womble. I believe it's one of his CS:GO videos
Hykr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:05:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeeea I knew it. He's the best
pa79 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:36:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a child, everyone laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. No one's laughing now anymore!
Mein_Captian ยท 728 points ยท Posted at 13:58:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(In a shitty German accent)
You know vat grinds me gear? Nozing because ov perfect German engineering.
Talenin2014 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 14:28:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Soooo read that in Henning Vehnโs voice. :)
50mHz ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:35:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did it in Doofenshmirtz
Whats_Up4444 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:00:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-inator
Nutcrackaa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:28:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My accent went Scottish at โmeโ.
Fgukenschnitzel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's why its a shitty German accent.
PerilousAll ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:31:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I so want to tell this to my German relatives, but they wouldn't think it was a joke.
HaykoKoryun ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 17:27:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You should tell them this German joke:
Nugkill ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there?
Ze KGB
The KGB wh... slap
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
Cael_of_House_Howell ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:14:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I dumb or wouldn't this be in a Russian accent
Deadpeople37 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:23:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It could maybe work in an East German context if you replace KGB with Stasi
tiptoe_only ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:30:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah my dad used to tell this but it was the Gestapo.
pslayer89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where are your papers, Mav?
Hakadamoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:47:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What? You donโt have any papers? TO THE CONCENTRATION CAMP WITH YOU!
ryana8 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:24:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in a Scottish accent because of the "me". Threw the whole thing off!
gtmog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:11:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would be perfect as: "you know what grinds mine gears?"
GravySleeve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get caught with your beard in the letterbox.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Ghost17088 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โGerman Engineeringโ is the greatest con pulled on the car buying public in the last few decades!
DV8_2XL ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 14:52:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
ImMrXtreme ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:12:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5, 1 to hold the ladder, 2 to apologize for forgetting to get a new lightbulb, and 2 to complain about the weather.
frid ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:03:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless they're from Toronto, in which case just one to hold the light bulb while the world revolves around them.
v-_-v ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:34:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hold up, nobody is actually changing the lightbulb, so it seems you need 6.
ImMrXtreme ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:00:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Umm, it says right there that two apologized for forgetting the lightbulb.
v-_-v ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are right, it needs 7, one to bring the actual bulb, the other to change it.
Jonny_D85 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:35:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta say the response with a German accent though...
"It vill only take vone German. Ve are efficient und ve don't have any humor."
xavierash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then follow up with; How many Polish does it take to change a light bulb? "It vill only take von. Ve are efficient und ve don't have any humor."
Hobbits_armpit ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:39:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many comp sci graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just declare darkness a new standard.
thrasher204 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its a new feature.
CTMGame ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:22:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No! Ve take two! One to change the bulb and one to hold the ladder!
Ve are efficient, beholden to safety and love to correct others.
RoboticOfficial ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:30:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb? None. Germans are efficient and do not have humor.
MichaelEuteneuer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:12:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German humor is no laughing matter.
ryleeisagirlname ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:43:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldโve guessed โneinโ
vexmaster123 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:48:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's a hardware problem.
v-_-v ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:35:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, 8 out of 10 cats is awesome. I forget the German guys name though.
TimelordJace ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:39:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/GermanHumor
Introsium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/subsyoufellfor
TimelordJace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/woosh
Introsium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:13:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
springspin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:38:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person?
Zero.
finchdad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, this is the first one to make me laugh.
reallyweirdperson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am funnybot!
ColDaddySupreme1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs German humor mate, itโs no laughing matter
HushDarlings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is better told in person for timing and vocal effect, but here goes:
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One? ..... or two? Three.....? Or four?
Theycallmelizardboy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
YAISEDDIT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:36:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I believe the punchline is โOne, if manufactured properly.โ
IvanezerScrooge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:22 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the version where you say:
"How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?
One. Germans are very efficient and not very funny."
And then you follow it up with:
"How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?
One. Germans are very efficient and not very funny."
UnicornMaster27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did nazi that one coming..
vexmaster123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly they need to stop.
classicicedtea ยท 2130 points ยท Posted at 11:39:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
blargablargh ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 16:21:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not kidding Jew, Israeli how he does it.
failingatthis ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:07:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a church near me with an attached cafe called HeBrews. Makes me laugh every time I pass it.
ImMrXtreme ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 15:14:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does God keep the ocean clean?
Tide twice a day.
jorshthehacker ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:23:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Isnt that how youre supposed to keep your intestines clean?
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:19:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just like the flavour
KevinMScott ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 16:40:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Need an ark? I Noah guy
FreakinSodie ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:49:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft
thedudebangsyoshi ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:30:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Bible has the earliest record of tennis being played. "David served in Solomon's court."
ncsuandrew12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:25:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...do you mean Saul's court? Solomon was David's son.
thedudebangsyoshi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:02 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
aye, I don't remember my Bible so good, nor its jokes
daitenshe ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:36:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HEBREWS IT, CORAL!
AMSENG ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:43:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, first thing I thought of!
LeeTheGoat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:20:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ืื ื ืืกืืื.
BurningThroughTheSky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:24:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ืื ืื ื
Every3Years ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:54:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lo ani beglal ain Lee Keyboard yisraeli :(
BurningThroughTheSky ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:56:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I empathize but also find this funny so I will transliterate the Hebrew text laugh...
CHACHAHCHACHA
InsertFurmanism ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:21:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cartoon character is talking to a prophet:
โI say! Ah!โ
โWhy did you say my name?โ
dlsmith93 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:31:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure that Israeli how he does it?
moultonlavah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:56:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No way!
(Yahweh)
dogsofwikihow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if Israel wasnโt rael? But it Israel.
wildo83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:32:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Israeli how he makes it!
calxlea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then he parts it?
lazzotronics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's pretty anti-septic
DoDraper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it his favorite drink too? Lol ๐
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it too many times
ncsuandrew12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:32:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the abridged version of Acts?
Hatchet.
...
Who was the shortest man in the Bible?
Bildad the Shuhite.
Who was the second shortest?
Nehemiah
(Knee-high-miah)
...
And for the Catholics:
"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, 'Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?'โ
"he straightened up and said to them, 'Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.'"
"At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there."
And then a second woman walked up and stoned the adulterous woman to death.
And Jesus said, "Mom!!!"
megatesla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:42:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would definitely recommend - israeli good.
Vrathal ยท 1159 points ยท Posted at 12:29:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
lord_wilmore ยท 536 points ยท Posted at 13:51:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fshhhhh
What do you call a spider with 20 eyes? Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider
NinjatheClick ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:38:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
getting funny looks for suddenly chuckling and saying " spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider!"
physlizze ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:42:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you cask a fish with no eyes? Fsshhh
What duo you call a fisherman with no eyes? They answer: fsherman? His name, god, you're so insensitive!
mengerspongebob ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:07:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist: the fishermanโs name is F. Sherman
bluurd ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:22:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does he live at 42 Wallaby Ln, Sydney?
JtheE ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:25:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm afraid that's his cousin, P. Sherman.
P0sitive_Outlook ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:26:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wolf spiders hunt on foot, like wolves.
Big-eyed wolf spiders hunt on foot at the mouths of caves, in the dark undergrowth.
No-eyed big-eyed wolf spiders hunt on foot inside caves, and use their feet to find prey: they don't have eyes, but if the did they'd be big.
Phylliida ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:08:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โaverage person eats 3 spiders a year" factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier and should not have been countedโ
Hynjia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Done. These are the best
GimpyGomer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:48:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Blind.
justlikeinmydreams ยท 117 points ยท Posted at 14:02:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
Still no f%#โฌing Eye deer.
Jopkins ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 15:15:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was eight, someone told the first two parts of that joke, and a teaching assistant said "I know a third part to that but it's too rude to tell." She wouldn't tell no matter how much I asked. Its plagued my mind ever since. Now I know.
justlikeinmydreams ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:39:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Glad to have helped...it does go on though.
TerpBE ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:31:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not without legs it doesn't!
HoochieKoo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:52:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go on
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now we know.
needanew ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:38:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no pecker, in hell?
Still no fucking God damned idear.
justlikeinmydreams ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:40:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, someone who knows the rest of the joke.
KevinMScott ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:44:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a centaur deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer man.
InaneInsaneIngrain ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:26:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and has been hit by a car?
Still no bloody idear.
Thomior ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:44:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few towns over there is a clothing and knife shop. The guy behimd the counter used this joke the first time i walked in.
Rezowalli ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:33:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no penis, and was hit by a car?
Still no bloody f%#โฌing Eye deer.
Rationalbacon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:12:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FALSE, It could be a female deer who is still capable of fucking.
PHONEY DETECTED!!!
justlikeinmydreams ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:42:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bah on your logic! :-)
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 14:27:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
jibjabblack ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:33:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
Peewee223 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:55:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a guy with no feet?
Neil.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
procrastimom ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:27:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs rolling around in the leaves?
Russell.
ebbomega ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:48:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs on a windowsill?
Kurt n' Rod
procrastimom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Irish guy with no arms and no legs on the back porch?
Patty Oโfurniture
itusedtobeagoodname ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:31:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?
Bill.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your crockpot?
Stu.
procrastimom ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:32:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs tied to a tow rope behind a speedboat?
Skip.
Glitter_berries ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:10:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with fifty rabbits up his bum? Warren.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Douglas.
setsuwa ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:15:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can play a bunch of instruments?
Stump the band
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs between two pieces of bread?
Patty.
smell-the-roses ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:20:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg? Eireen.
BeatrixSlaughter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:45:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?
Sean DโLeer
What do you call and Irishman whoโs bouncing off the walls?
Rick OโShay
sassifrassilassi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:44:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip
Eraesr ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:39:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
elephino
tlloki ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:15:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one kinda triggered me a little bit, mind you cleaver it reminds me of how God damn new Englanders day idear instead of idea
MagicJohnson96 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:44:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears?
Whatever the fuck you want he can't hear you.
Pete_Castiglione_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:53:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the deer with one eye call himself?
I have no eye deer
OP_IS_A_BASSOON ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:26:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And when that deer wandered into the road?
Still half no eye deer.
little_brown_bat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:38:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A deer with 20/20 vision?
A good eye deer
A deer with one eye?
Some eye deer
A deer with a drinking problem?
A cab
FoxAche82 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:09:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a sheep with no legs?
Where you left it.
-Captain- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. You can call him all you want, but he isn't coming.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
-Captain- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why wouldn't a dog have logs?
SallyCanWait27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:50:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the only type of bee you can get milk from?
A boo-bee ๐
Molemanowar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no genitals?
No fucking eye deer.
itszwee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Extra lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
aintsuperstitious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:25:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bull who swallows a hand grenade?
Abominable.
What do you call it if the grenade explodes?
Noble
setsuwa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs cut in two?
Still half no eye deer.
corporealmetacortex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works best with a British accent
elmwoodblues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no legs, balls, or eyes?
Still no fuckin' eye deer. ---- Oops, forgot these were supposed to stay clean, sorry.
Moldy_slug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call the island all the eyeless deer inhabit?
No eye deer atoll.
robbedigital ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no body and a big nose? Nobody nose..
Spaceman-Mars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or testicles?
Still no fuckin eye deer!
Tocoapuffs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works best with a thick Maine accent.
boso271 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and a hunting wound?
Still no bloody idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, a hunting wound and radiation poisoning?
Blooming unlucky
pepe_silvia_alive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?
Still no fucking eye deer.
uH_f0C_OfF67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A homeless man told this joke to me and friends but said โno fucking eye deerโ
randomtechguy142857 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Where you left it.
AllNightPony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no legs, no reproductive organs, and no eyes? Still no fucking eye deer.
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one took me a while, then I said it out loud
donaldtrumpincarnate ยท 300 points ยท Posted at 12:54:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
Hates_escalators ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:32:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that like a space bar? It's not your type of place?
katsumeragi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:01:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I give it four stars out of five!
time4listenermail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:12 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great charcuterie plate, I would imagine.
pinniped1 ยท 9729 points ยท Posted at 11:35:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar.
First thing he does is pick up his dog by its leash and start swinging it above his head like a lasso.
The bartender says "hey! What are you doing?!?"
Blind guy says "just having a look around."
cmd_iii ยท 3727 points ยท Posted at 14:12:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive?
Scares the shit out of the dogs.
KnightontheSun ยท 1255 points ยท Posted at 15:07:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do blind skydivers know when they are close to the ground?
The leash on their guide dog goes slack.
1486592 ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 15:50:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. My. God.
[deleted] ยท 233 points ยท Posted at 15:46:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhatโs a short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time?โ
Still funny though
1486592 ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 15:50:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The landing pad certainly wonโt be clean
brownhorse ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:48:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
seems pretty clean... just bad
dog is hanging from the skydiver via leash and harness. pulls chute and cruises down to land, the dog lands first and starts running to keep up with the skydiver, blind person feels the the leash go slack and knows that theyre close to the ground.
is the other interpretation that the blind person feels the slack from the dog hitting the ground? cause that would be like .00001 seconds to actually feel it and doesnt make sense.
or was the other interpretation that the dog is being hanged the whole time and when they die the leash goes slack? because they'd still be dead weight on the leash... literally.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:53:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the second one. Also a person skydiving with a guide dog doesnโt make sense but itโs a joke
brownhorse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:03:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yeah im just super tired and just didnt get the joke at all, so I started trying to understand it and imagined a situation where a blind person could actually skydive with a guide dog. Heres my idea:
You know the altitude you're jumping at, and you have your watch timer set to beep after x seconds of freefall. Dog is suspended below you from a belt like harness with 2 straps to keep it facing forward. Dog is trained to know where to land. 1 bark is turn left, 2 barks is turn right. continue guiding blind skydiver until they're at the landing area... commence situations shittily explained above.
boCash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I recommend a nap, buddy.
Grimsqueaker69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:55:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's happening here?
brownhorse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:00:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got home on a red eye this morning and am short-circuiting. Humor functions are disabled and shitty reasoning skills are kicking into overdrive.
bfcrowrench ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 16:19:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was waiting to cross a street when a blind guy and his dog walked up. I watched the dog pee on the man's leg, then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a dog snack.
I had to ask, "excuse me, but did you know your dog just peed on you?" He nodded. "And you're going to give him a treat now?" He answered "..yup."
"I'm sorry but... why give him a treat for that?" I asked.
"I want to know where his head is so I can kick the little fucker in the ass!"
amplesamurai ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:14:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"excuse me ma'am I seem to have killed your seeing eye dog. May I escort you home?"
Beau87 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:50:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works 0% of the time every time.
mozilla2012 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:36:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof
LegitGingerDude ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:00:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In this context I believe it would be woof
PyrZern ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:49:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy doesn't science.
Cheeriofun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey man I was having a good morning
Rastryth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:08:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a talk once from a blind guy who had hitch hiked around australia and been a judo champion truly inspiring guy. Anyway he did a bit about how usefull his guide dog was in northern australia. As he would get the dog to sleep between him and the water in case there was a crocodile in the area.
shadowndacorner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:(
KnightontheSun ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:03:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry. Maybe this one will help you to forget?
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wrapped in only cling-wrap.
The psychiatrist looks up and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
shadowndacorner ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:03:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:)
yeahbuthow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, you finally put a smile on my face after a week of misery and regret. I even chuckled!
cranktheguy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:36:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
OnlyAnotherParsec ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:01:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs brilliant!
LividWonk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Punchline version I heard for that one was, "You ever hear a German Shepard scream at 20,000 feet?"
HullGuy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:06:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a blind skydiver knows heโs nearly at the ground? The lead goes slack.
pinniped1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:49:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is new to me and funny!
NateDogTX ยท 788 points ยท Posted at 15:01:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of: Blind guy walks into a drugstore, starts knocking stuff off the shelves with his cane. Clerk hurries over, "Sir, can I help you??"
Blind guy says, "Nah, just looking."
kapeman_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gallagher
NateDogTX ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:17:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
School friend told me years ago, but that was around Gallagher's heyday, so I bet that's where he heard it.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 17:14:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the exact same joke...
NateDogTX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I guess that's why it reminded me of it.
borisdidnothingwrong ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 16:08:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work with a blind guy who kept a stuffed dog at his desk, and would occupationally stand up and do this. Legitimately laughed out loud every time. Dan was the funniest co-worker ever.
One day he was waiting for his ride and he was joking around with me about how he didn't make enough to afford a car. Right then Chuck, the HR manager, came out, so I said "Chuck, Dan needs a raise so he can buy a car." Chuck looks at us, sees Dan's shit eating grin, and says, "OK, Boris, but you have to teach him how to drive." I turn to Dan and say "passenger side air bags?" and he says "of course" so I say "we literally don't see a problem here, Chuck" which set Dan off laughing.
Dan told me later that Chuck came to him and told him that this made him curious about when Dan's last raise was, and found it that his last two raises were shorted by a few cents an hour, so they cut a check for the difference and have him another 75 cents an hour for his above average performance. Dan asked me if I thought he should get a car or a motorcycle with a side car with the bonus.
Geminii27 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:48:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Obviously a side car. For the stuffed dog.
borisdidnothingwrong ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:18:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, someone has to be there to tell him when the light turns green.
DemiGod9 ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 12:57:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's hilarious
brucedeloop ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:16:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the definition of endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing a game of tennis.
TacoDelMorte ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 15:21:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy walks into a bar. He yells โow!โ
zyqkvx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy walks into a bar so I called 911.
shazarakk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An elf walks into a bar.
The hobbit laughs, and walks under.
hobbes116 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:25:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind lady fall in the well?
She didnโt see that well.
DannyVFilms ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:33:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar...
And a table...
And the chair...
Ronizu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:37:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... And people
OchenCunningBaldrick ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:35:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this please?
GordonFreeman1998 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 13:37:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because blind people need dogs to see, so by swinging it around it's as though it's enhancing his field of view.
chimcharchar ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:39:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs swinging his guide dog.
OchenCunningBaldrick ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:42:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahhaha
BatmanCabman ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 13:09:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me this is amazing
Zerotan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jeez it's like you can't swing a dead cat in here without hitting an animal rights activist.
RasputinsAssassins ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:28:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a blind guy know he's finished wiping after going to the bathroom.
It tastes different.
OnionGuy12 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:46:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't really that funny to me, but idk. Maybe in don't get it.
Baji25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:06:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar. Then a chair. Then a table.
akolewoody ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:53:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm fucking crying
Limo4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:19:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit This is hilarious
wall_of_swine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:13:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Papa used to tell me this all the time as a kid and it still never gets old
uteng2k7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is legitimately hilarious. Bravo.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:40:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually really funny haha
jenuwefa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad joke. I love it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I too sleep deprived to understand this? I feel so dumb I donโt understand
greegore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar BANG!
Kvothe514 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Solid haha.
PeeEssDoubleYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WILD APPLAUSE
unpopular_celebrity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people drive?
Their dogs can't reach the pedals
DadWasntYourMoms1st ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read the first line as: Blind guy walks into a bear.
Made the rest of the joke very confusing.
pinniped1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, swinging the dog around might actually be your best defensive option then!
Bear be like "this is a madlad I'm out"
clumsyandunstable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table. And a chair.
bighootay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My blind coworker will love this whole thread.
androbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
OP's joke reminded me of that one.
DrScienceSpaceCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay this actually made me laugh out loud.
Skabonious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just laughed so hard
katasian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is amazing. I write jokes for my husband in his lunch. I am totally taking this one.
eegs14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar..... and a chair and a desk and a...
jroddie4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar
ow
aking0286 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar....ouch
xproofx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one always gets me. I've heard it a thousand times and I never not laugh. And not just the forcibly exhale through my nose kind of laugh. A straight up guffaw can be heard.
SoManySparrows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my! Iโm in a restaurant and read that. I couldnโt help busting up. The servers took notice!
imighthaveananswer ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
DekeKneePulls ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 13:47:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's his seeing eye dog.
hellaballa ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 15:02:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you might get it, it's just not funny
thoomfish ยท 197 points ยท Posted at 16:16:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The pun is a rare medium well done.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
I also have a Fibonacci joke. It's as bad as the last two combined.
Mcminnie8115 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 19:48:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fibonacciโs sequence, as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3
DapperProducts ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:00:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don' get the pun. Please elaborate.
QuaggaSwagger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:18 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A steak* pun is a rare medium well-done.
[deleted] ยท 2560 points ยท Posted at 10:37:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
QuaggaSwagger ยท 596 points ยท Posted at 15:22:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stalin knew communism would never work - there were red flags everywhere.
Tauposaurus ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:48:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh... my... god...
DannyckCZ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:00:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice! Too bad this only works in English
le_random_russian ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:16:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well itโs not like we donโt have our own jokes about the guy, though the one above is pretty hilarious.
DannyckCZ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:17:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True that
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd love to hear some Russian jokes about Stallin!
le_random_russian ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:48:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stalin is talking to Churchill on the telephone:
โNo.โ
โNo.โ
โNo.โ
โNo.โ
โNo.โ
โYes.โ
โNo.โ
โNo.โ
And hangs it up. His secretary asks:
โComrade Stalin, to what did you say โyesโ to Churchill?โ
โHe asked me whether I heard him well.โ
In 1942, Zhukov exits Stalinโs cabinet after a meeting, muttering to himself:
โDamn this asshat with mouthstache!โ
Poskrebyshev immediately reports this to Stalin. Stalin sends for Zhukov, and asks him:
โComrade Zhukov, who were you talking about?โ
โHitler, of course, comrade Stalin.โ
Stalin turns to Poskrebyshev:
โAnd who were you thinking about, comrade Poskrebyshev?โ
Stalin lost his smoking pipe. Beria immediately gets on the investigation and by the evening a hundred people were arrested. By the morning the pipe was found by a janitor. Stalin calls Beria on the phone:
โComrade Beria, my pipe was found!โ
โBut comrade Stalin, all the arrested except for one have admitted to stealing your pipe!โ
โExcept for one, huh? Continue your investigation then!โ
30โs, a meeting discussing bread hauls. One secretary decided to joke about how his region just canโt give more bread:
โAnd so, as French people say, even the most beautiful woman canโt give more than she got, comrade Stalin!โ
Stalin corrects him:
โBut she can give it twice, comrade.โ
So, before the war Rokossovsky was arrested, but he was released in the autumn of 1941, and given a division to lead. The division fought very well, so Stalin decided to give Rokossovsky a bigger assignment, and Rokossovsky was pulled from the frontlines:
โComrade Rokossovsky, do you know the German military doctrine?โ
โNo, I donโt, comrade Stalin.โ
โDo you know their military structure, their weaponry?โ
โNo, I donโt, comrade Stalin, I was sitting in jail at the time.โ
โRecent times arenโt good for sitting, comrade Rokossovsky.โ
Stalin makes a call to Tupolev:
โWe are going to resume the production of your bomber plane.โ
โBut comrade Stalin, it didnโt needed to be canceled in the first place!โ
โWhat a malicious memory you have! You had only yourself to blame for this!โ
โBut it was on your order! What I could do?โ
โYou couldโve lodged a complaint against me in the Central Committee!โ
Thereโs also some about general reality of the times, if youโre interested.
perpetual_C000009A ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the problem with communists. They have no class.
Crazy-Calm ยท 503 points ยท Posted at 14:23:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between capitalism and communism? With capitalism man exploits man, under communism its completely opposite
Egg-MacGuffin ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 15:59:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exploits man exploits?
Kigit42 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:07:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
NaughtyDred ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:09:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Woman doesn't exploit woman?
Egg-MacGuffin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:50:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe "Doesn't exploits woman doesn't exploits"
MadKnifeIV ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 16:23:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Soviet Russia you rob bank. In capitalist America bank rob you.
sherlip ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 15:54:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is the joke that they're the same thing?
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:07:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is no capitalism. There is no communism.
PlatavsPlomo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:35:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No. The joke is communism.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:46:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought capitalism was a joke?
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:30:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only if you typed that reply on your iphone.
AMassofBirds ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 18:04:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"We should improve society somewhat." "Yet you live in a society. Haha got you. I am very smart."
thetinmaster ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:19:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's a troll.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 18:07:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More like "Why should I change for my beliefs when everyone else is wrong?"
Thin-White-Duke ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:34:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, because you can only support communism if you go completely cashless. Need to pay for school? Sorry, can't be a communist. Gotta go to the hospital? You definitely ain't no commie.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:42:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not only that most of the development for the technology on smartphones where state ran and some of it developed within the USSR.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 17:43:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take that as a yes, and throw on the fact you probably typed that using the free wifi at starbucks while chugging a $7 coffee.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:46:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao, I have an android and I'm at home.
Also, so what? There is no ethical consumption under capitalism and we are all forced to participate. Even if you were to live in a commune, there is no legal way to not participate in capitalism in a capitalist society.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 17:47:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you've confused being verbose with intelligence.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is anything I said untrue? Please, if you think I am mistaken, tell me how I'm wrong.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:01:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No one is forcing you to do anything, so if you feel true communism isn't not an option given your life and location, then there's a myriad of options to actually engage in such an experience. It's just incredibly inconvenient and nowhere near as romantic as mentally masturbating about it on the internet using a phone that was made in a communist country that exploits slave labor, eh comrade?
Thin-White-Duke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:34:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you have a communist country, when a communist society would be a cashless, classless, stateless society?
Also, no, you can't have communism in a capitalist state. You are forced to participate in capitalism on some level. Even if you were to abandon modern amenities, you still have to own land and purchase supplies on some level.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:28 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So you're basically arguing the merits of make believe?
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:42 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a very simplistic definition of philosophy.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:49 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a simplistic ideology.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:13 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a philosophy with many, many different varieties. Hundreds of books have been written about this philosophy.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:49:54 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But you by your own admission said it boils down to no cash, no class, no state... which is an incredibly naive and unrealistic for human society to thrive. Case in point, the intellectual equivalent to your entire argument
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:42 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said that if a society doesn't meet those standards, it can't be communist. There are other philosophies of communism in which there is a state, but ultimately if there is a society with classes and where workers don't own means of production, it can not be communist. Nor can it be socialist.
There are as many flavors of communism and socialism as there are communists and socialists.
It's like saying Christianity is the belief that Jesus, the son of God, is the messiah. Yes, in order to be Christian, that is what you would have to believe. However, that's not all there is to Christianity.
This isn't a difficult concept to understand.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:34 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but the linch pin of your entire argument was that if those 3 qualities you listed weren't present in a society, it wasn't True Communismโข (i.e. No True Scotsman Defense), citing that existing communist states are just pretending. The whole comment thread this was born from was citing that Communism was a joke, even made more hilarious by that even you yourself can cite no real world examples of it existing, let alone achieving some sort of success. Your Christian analogy does have a strong connection to your interpretation of True Communismโข in the sense that to believe requires no real fact or logic, just a humongous dose of faith.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:04 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, communism is an economic philosophy. It's not like somebody said Karl Marx went around healing lepers and shit.
My Christian analogy is just to demonstrate that words have meaning. You can't label all of these countries communist when they're clearly not communist. They aren't even socialist. If the workers don't own the means of production, the society can't be socialist by definition. And if it's not socialist by definition, it certainly cannot be communist.
No true Scotsman doesn't work as a fallacy if you're trying to work against the definition of a word. It's not a valid argument that you're making right now. You can't be a Christian and not believe in Christ. And saying that isn't a fallacy.
No one thought democracy could exist until it did. No one thought a republic could exist until it did. No one thought capitalism could exist until it did.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:44 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can keep repackaging excuses for failed ideology, I just don't think I'm the one you're trying to convince at this point.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:58 on August 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is something failed if it never was genuinely attempted in the first place?
Lmao, I'm not having a crisis. I'm not trying to convince myself of anything haha. I'm secure in my beliefs.
I do see that this conversation is going nowhere, though. I'm willing to call it a day if you are.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:21 on August 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lets just call it what it is: Pretend.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:02 on August 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not pretend when, every day, we try to exercise praxis.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:44:08 on August 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's just larping for hipsters.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:18 on August 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually going to jazz bars and wearing turtlenecks.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:25 on August 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah... it's acting like you give a shit without actually doing anything.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:37 on August 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not the violent type, so I'm not going to lead a bloody revolution. That doesn't mean I'm doing nothing. Raising awareness and combating propaganda is important. Lifting up my community is important.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:12 on August 31, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, you'll get around to it eventually. Fighting the evils of capitalism one internet comment at a time is the least you can do... literally.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:04 on August 31, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you honestly think I just sit here and write comments on the internet all day?
113OuncesofPudding ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:55:04 on September 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This person is projecting his insecurities on you. Just FYI. He feels bad about everything he accuses you of, imo.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:28 on September 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for validating my suspicions.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:06 on August 31, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Yes I do. It wouldn't surprise me your real world involvement to your cause is probably just as non-existent as it's real world application. Shopping at the co-op and buying vintage clothes isn't necessarily sticking it to the man.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:51 on August 31, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet you think marching is pointless?
Also, I said I lift up my community. I volunteer. What do you do?
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:26 on September 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, I think touting make-believe as fact is pointless. I could sit and cry-bitch about how magical flying unicorns could solve all of our oil/transportation issues, but at the end of the day, they have just as much in "real" world application as "real" communism, Zero. I donate capital to a church and a charity on a monthly basis that I feel have some pretty noble initiatives.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:56 on September 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once again, I'm a libertarian socialist.
Also, you're very quick to write off something you don't even know the name of.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:43 on September 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you're losing the game, move the goalposts. I've yet to see you actually defend/articulate anything.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:22 on September 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stating facts isn't moving the goal poasts.
Saying socialism won't work isn't an actual argument. You haven't given me anything to debate against. You actually have to say something with substance for that to happen.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:01 on September 4, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stating facts that have no basis in your original complaint. Capitalism is a joke, remember that? All you had to back that up was excuses and make-believe. Venezuela, Cuba, Soviet Russia, and China are all perfect examples of failed ideology. While you'll trip over yourself to wet your nappy over how unauthentic they may be compared to your masturbatory fantasy, they were sad pitiful attempts to work within the confines that society allowed and failed miserably. I don't need to state my case, you're failure to do so is more efficient than anything I could shoot back with.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:42 on September 4, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
None of those countries are socialist. None of them even attempted to be libertarian socialist.
They never tried to set up a socialist economy. Did any of those nations try to turn over the means of production? No. Not really.
egregiousmonkey ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:13:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I believe there are communistic enclaves in the United States. (Is an Amish community and example??) My sister lived in one but still had to participate somewhat in the capitalist culture outside.
This could be a civil conversation and I would kind of like that.
I think it is hard to find a pure form of either to discuss. Communist countries have to work with capitalist countries in a capitalist mode to survive, no?
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Communist Enclaves is essentially larping for hipsters. What always gets conveniently overlooked is how all Communist countries usually have an incredibly miserable standard of living, not to mention that it's never actually ever worked every time it was attempted.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:36:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, but all these quote-unquote communist countries are just state capitalist. I've never seen a communist country in my fucking life.
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:13 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably because they all starved to death.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:46 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
???
Now you're not making any sense. You're just arguing for the sake of arguing. You have no real points to make.
the_hawkline_monster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That wasnโt even verbose, they concisely stated a point.
https://thenib.com/mister-gotcha
Red_White_And_FUCK_U ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which was masterfully dismantled.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:22:54 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao, sure, if you live in a village near a river called da Nile.
the_hawkline_monster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://thenib.com/mister-gotcha
boilerpl8 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:13:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nam exploits Nam?
Walruseon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:52:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nam exploits Nam still works for communism, funnily enough
mule_nag ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 16:01:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is completely classless.
PM_UR_CLEAVAGE_GIRL ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:28:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have been banned from /r/LateStageCapitalism
bushybop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually have funny enough they arnt big wallmart fans
nowhereman136 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:26:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about Capitalism?
First, give me a dollar
LtLabcoat ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:12:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Communism is the longest path between capitalism and capitalism.
Whoopteedoodoo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:22:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did communists use for light before candles? Electricity
Hannibal_Montana ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 14:05:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That explains why commies never laugh at jokes about communism
InternJedi ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 14:46:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The central planner forgot to distribute humor evenly
Simon_Kaene ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:35:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone is given humour, but only every second person gets the joke.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the pt. 2
amplesamurai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why is dark humour like food?
not everybody gets it.
Schadenfreude775 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:18:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is dark humor like food?
...not everybody gets it.
Nowhereman123 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:58:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Secret police!
Secret police wh-
WE WILL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE!
Edit: Uhh, why'd this joke get removed?
capilot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know a good UDP joke, but you might not get it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Thin-White-Duke ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:47:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell that joke, too, but I use capitalism instead of communism.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Thin-White-Duke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:37:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty funny. All the people that starve under capitalism, all the people that can't afford healthcare under capitalism, all those that suffered under banana republics, everyone whose homeland was raped for resources to be sold overseas...
EnderESXC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, because communist countries never starved anybody (try telling that to the Ukrainians) or used puppet states. Venezuela, the USER, China, North Korea, Cuba, etc are just paradise where nobody starves and nobody's oppressed or anything like that.
Seriously, the fuck are you smoking?
Thin-White-Duke ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:33:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many of those were cashless, classless, and stateless societies?
EnderESXC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:51:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, if that's your standard, i'm surprised you're not mad rainbows don't actually have pots of gold at the end of them.
A stateless, classless, stateless society is impossible, it goes against human nature and the nature of power. Communism will always either devolve into the examples we've seen before or be taken over by an outside force. Just because it's not "muh true communism" doesn't change this fact.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My standards being the definition of communism? If you think communism goes against human nature, I think you have a very cynical view of the world. There were many societies before imperialism that were communist. We all started out in a communist society. The earliest humans formed communist societies.
What's next? Are you going to tell me about lobster hierarchies? Is that you Jordan?
The funny thing is, I'm not even a communist. I'm a libertarian socialist.
Listen, even in different forms of communism where they don't emphasize a cashless, classless, stateless society, the workers still need to own the means of production. The workers don't own the means of production, it's not socialist, it's not communist. Have you seen any country where workers own the means of production?
Socialism is just the natural progression of the economy. It's inevitable. Before capitalism, there was feudalism. After capitalism, there will be socialism.
LeoRidesHisBike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:43:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a libertarian socialist?
libertarianism: "an extreme laissez-faire political philosophy advocating only minimal state intervention in the lives of citizens."
socialism: "a political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole."
How can you be extremely laissez-faire and also think that the community should own and/or regulate the economy?
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Minimal state intervention. The first libertarians were socialists. Libertarianism was coined in a socialist publication.
Most socialists want either a very limited governments or no government at all. Not many socialists are authoritarian.
In libertarian socialism, businesses would be regulated by workers councils, municipalities would be governed through direct democracy. There would be no large centralized state. Seems pretty libertarian to me.
LeoRidesHisBike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:55 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How would you get a business to be regulated by folks who did not start the business? Presumably you'd have to wrest control from the owners, and that sounds violent/anti-libertarian.
It seems to suffer the same problem as Communism: there is no grassroots path to it. It has to be imposed on society, largely through force.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:26 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some people support revolution, other support taking power incrementally. How is it anti-libertarian? Libertarianism is about little-to-no government. If the workers want to seize the means of production, then that's the people, not the government.
We already have co-ops and unions. It's not like this idea is entirely foreign. Co-ops are becoming more and more popular. Unions have been suffering lately due to right wing propaganda, but I know a lot of pro-union young people.
LeoRidesHisBike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:29 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, I understand. It's a new (to me) term for individualist anarchism or guild socialism.
EnderESXC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every example of communism we've seen being implemented has shown us otherwise. I don't care what the dictionary thinks communism is, we've seen what communism is.
And we all died at 25, if we were lucky. We all starved en masse or died in childbirth or from all the deadly, deadly nature. Not only that, but those societies were absolutely not communist. Humans were tribal, they had people who led the tribe, they had people who hunted better than others and they had the distinction between hunters and gatherers. There were classes and hierarchy, it's not communism by your definition.
Lol I don't know what you're talking about with lobsters, but if you don't think hierarchies are human nature, you don't know history.
First off, there's no such thing as a libertarian socialist, it's one or the other. I'm not a libertarian, but libertarianism is an individualist doctrine and therefore at odds with socialism by definition.
Second, the point of socialism is to lead to communism. Even Marx said that with his view of the flow of history. Capitalism leads to socialism leads to communism.
I can't think of one of the top of my head, but that's not necessarily true. You're only including decentralized socialism in your definition of socialism, whereas every model we've seen implemented is centralized socialism, wherein the means of production is owned by the whole of the people through the state (because, again, there are non-anarchist strains of communism/socialism, such as Maoism, Marxism-Leninism, Stalinism, the Fabians, etc). The workers don't have to own the means of production directly to be socialism, it just can't be privately owned or controlled by the bourgeoisie.
Didn't you just say you weren't a communist? Because Marx made it clear that it's not supposed to stop at socialism, you can't just hack that part off the end and pretend it never existed. Either history's natural progression goes through socialism into communism or it doesn't progress like that.
Not only that, but given the way socialist, communist, and other leftist nations have been progressing, the trend of history is moving away from socialism and communism. The Scandinavians are increasingly turning towards right-wing parties because their social-democrat welfare systems are starting to buckle under demographic trends. Hell, the only reason they could afford it in the first place is because they have such high levels of economic freedom making them so wealthy.
Every other socialist nation is crumbling at the moment: Venezuela is starving, China is a totalitarian hell-hole that is very slowly moving towards capitalism and liberalism and away from communism as their people become wealthier and more connected with the freedoms of the outside world, the Soviet Union collapsed, North Korea is only being propped up by brutal force and Chinese money/nukes, Cuba is experiencing mass exoduses of people to the United States has been for decades. All across the world, people are turning towards liberty and away from socialism because every time socialism has been tried, people start starving.
Thin-White-Duke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:08:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So meanings of words don't matter to you? I was born and raised in America, can I just claim to be Scottish and walk around and demand Scottish citizenship? No, I can't, because definitions mean something.
You kind of sound like Jordan B Peterson. If you don't know who he is, look him up, I think you'd like him.
You're clearly very ignorance of history. The first libertarians were socialist. Libertarianism was coined in a socialist publication. Libertarian socialism would be a society where businesses are regulated by workers' councils, municipalities are governed through direct democracy, and there would be no centralized state. That sounds pretty libertarian and pretty socialist to me.
I do have slightly anarcho-communist leanings, but I'm not a Marxist. I do agree with some of the things that he wrote, but I'm a libertarian socialist. We don't believe that libertarian socialism is going to be some utopia, and we do acknowledge there may be a better system that comes along. Which is fine. If there is something better out there that decreases human suffering and dismantles systems of oppression, I'm all for it.
The definition of socialism is workers owning the means of production. But I'll just entertain this idea that if the state owns the entire music production, that it would also be socialism. All of these so-called socialist countries, still have a very large percent of production owned by private business.
I don't label myself as a communist, because I'm not fully on board with any one specific type of communism. Libertarian socialism fits my views more, I do have some slight anarcho-communist leanings, as I've said in this comment. I do agree with Marx on quite a bit, but not everything. As I've said earlier in this comment.
Having social programs doesn't make you socialist. Scandinavian countries are not socialist by any means. They have social programs, which is nice, but that's not socialism.
None of those countries are socialist. The workers don't own the means of production. Even the state doesn't own all of the means of production.
q011235 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best thing about UDP jokes? It doesnโt matter if nobody gets them.
CLearyMcCarthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dark joke is like food; not everybody gets it.
shponglespore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
[deleted] ยท 8757 points ยท Posted at 10:39:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
AngelFish2015 ยท 377 points ยท Posted at 14:11:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is great!
JVO1317 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:08:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LPT is always in the comments.
Government_spy_bot ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:05:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Perfect even!
ButtercupsUncle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:39:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would be even better if it worked on my ex.
chasethesquirrel ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 14:54:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick. It took two days, but I finally managed to pass it.
wheeldog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:52:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Implying it was eaten?
FerynaCZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:52:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does the second "pass" mean?
lazypineapple ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:52:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Passing it through his bowels
phlux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.
After taking too long, she came in to see what the problem was - butt caught me red-handed.
mrglubglub ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 14:39:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this joke before but my logical brain knows gluesticks can't even stick paper together adequately, let alone human flesh.
psychologicalX ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:04:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Common misconception ; certain basic glues can actually.
Government_spy_bot ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:06:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah pal, cyanoacrylatemuch?
psychologicalX ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:07:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a real glue.
Source: glue expert
Government_spy_bot ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:08:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't believe you. User name says you're Roman psychologist ten.
psychologicalX ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:09:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, Romans invented glue.
Source: glue expert
Government_spy_bot ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:10:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the Romans invented glue, so there is that...
psychologicalX ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:12:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's exactly what I said
Government_spy_bot ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:17:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't believe you. Your username says you're Roman psychologist ten.
psychologicalX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but check the fifth generation comment of me
Government_spy_bot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's exactly what I said. C'mon. You dropped the ball. Dee up homie!
psychologicalX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said it first
Government_spy_bot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the Romans invented glue, so there is that....
Dragon--Reborn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:21:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Source: glue expert
Government_spy_bot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Enter player two.
Please deposit 25 more cents to join the game.
Funkit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is technically a glue then? You have cyanoacrylate, various epoxys, silicone sealant, pressure sensitive adhesive, a whole bunch of adhesives. None of these are "glues"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SkierBeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck off asshole
MyrddinEmrys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This kills the joke.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one simple trick!
c_is_4_cookie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:47:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my wife she had drawn her eyebrows in too high.
She looked surprised.
finkalicious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like a Jackie Martling joke
redumbdant_antiphony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:48:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was the joke? Op deleted it.
finkalicious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:19:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something to the effect of "my wife asked me to give her some lipstick but I gave her a glue stick instead and now she hasn't talked to me for 3 days"
redumbdant_antiphony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you.
in50mn14c ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
With a pre-K teacher as a wife... this is hilarious.
daveisamonsterr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:31:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Avon lady walk funny? Her lipstick.
charkol3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She still hasn't opened her mouth about it yet
inkwisitive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turns out glue doesn't make amazing lipstick, but I can't complain
NotADoucheBag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my wife she drew her eye brows too high.
She looked surprised.
csl512 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of "my cosmetologist told me I have thin skin and I was devastated"
Metamorphism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/indianpeoplefacebook ?
ZeenTex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a life pro tip wrapped into a joke.
pizzafourlife ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 12:11:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't talk to you in that scenario either
glitterlok ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 12:26:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...mom?
pizzafourlife ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:42:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mmmmffffrkkkhhhhhhh!
ThatCalisthenicsDude ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:01:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mmmmmph!!!
mdkubit ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:48:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is gold, Jerry! COMEDY GOLD!
TripleDump ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:32:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is that the wife glued her mouth shut and can't talk
pizzafourlife ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 12:41:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And in that circumstance, I wouldn't be able to, either
tee142002 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:56:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure.....we believe you.
JayDude132 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:07:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds more like a LPT. Maybe ULPT.
uns0licited_advice ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:33:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ultra Life Pro Tip
Back2Bach ยท 686 points ยท Posted at 12:34:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. Why do hummingbirds hum?
A. Because they don't know the words.
bighootay ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:27:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Groan. Totally using this one.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:52:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
dactyif ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:39:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh this is cute.
Surisuule ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could sit and watch a hummingbird for hours Itโs like a mini helicopter pollinating flowers Still i feel sorry for the little hummingbird, It always has to hum because it never learned the words.
-Weird Al
boredsittingonthebus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because they don't shower.
cmd_iii ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 14:25:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
HeartofyourDimentia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:59:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did you do that reveal? Lol
techgineer13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:12:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not OP, but you can use Markdown spoiler tags.
Corona21 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:16:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did you do that?
maryjanerx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:41:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never heard this before! Well done I actually laughed
trainerkevin4 ยท 682 points ยท Posted at 14:38:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man woke up after a serious accident. He says โDoctor doctor. I canโt feel my legs!โ
The doctor replied โI know. I amputated your arms!โ
choma90 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 19:56:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is like the one
-"Doctor, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my chest it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts, what do I have?"
-"A broken finger"
edit: SEVERAL typos
MisterTwo_O ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is from an episode of House! Funniest clinic moment of the show. I don't remember which episode it was.
Edit : Couldn't find the clip on YT, but here's another one of my favourites
https://www.google.co.in/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=2ahUKEwjwjqKbsvfcAhXJv48KHYSnAQwQwqsBMAV6BAgIEBQ&usg=AOvVaw0VTJzWxrN8ZFOD4xbU2nov
Esoteric_Erric ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:56:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy wakes up after an operation and doc says โI got some good news and some bad news for ya, what do you want first?โ
โGimme the bad news.โ
โWell, we cut the wrong leg off.โ
โAargh! Whatโs the good news?โ
โYour bad one is getting better.โ
gryff42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:52:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one is the best!
Pocky785 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:54:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it
sissu18 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:57:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because he doesnโt have hands to feel his legs. Not as funny as I had hoped.
pamisstoneyboloney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.....he can't feel his legs because he has no arms. Think about what you would literally use to feel your legs. I'm mad I have to explain this to you now.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:57:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
pamisstoneyboloney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmfao glad I could help you
fullmiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did not see that coming
FruKules ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this
ManMooseLegend ยท 7526 points ยท Posted at 11:25:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do all Swedish ships have barcodes on the side?
So that when they return to port they can scan-de-navy-in
Popboy11 ยท 752 points ยท Posted at 15:01:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact: the Spanish word for boat is barco,
TPbumfart ยท 864 points ยท Posted at 16:18:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ending your comment with a comma gives me an uneasy feeling inside,
doom_stein ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 16:39:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does it give you an uneasy feeling in your :
Aterox_ ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 17:33:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs always that one time;
JellyButtet ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:19:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Don't forget to
Elliot_Fox ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 17:52:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIMING
cfeish ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:21:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
meta
madeamashup ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:01:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's ok, (you don't have to worry about it
The3ndZone ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:17:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
) sorry just had to...
ForTheWilliams ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:07:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fear and horror often stem from ambiguity and the unknown.
Shadows, strange noises, unfinished sentences,
ApplesauceCreek ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:24:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in Jeff Goldblum's voice, it was perfect.
Calligraphee ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:33:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too,
FINALCOUNTDOWN99 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:43:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know what I'm going to do to you,
gggg_man3 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:43:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is starting to really get freaky,
INTERNET_SO_FUCK_YOU ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:03:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
O shit, I just upped the ante;
HeroBobGamer ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:21:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐๐
And I just raised the steaks,
LordMaxentius ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:48:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And I just bumped the brakes.
Plsdontreadthis ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:00:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you so much I was waiting for that run-on to end and it took until your comment to do that.
Popboy11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:02:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was planning to explain how barco = barcode for people with 2 brain cells
LowB0b ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you delete someone else s comment
radthibbadayox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're probably about to get your.
TrumpAndHillarysBaby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:52:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Will he ever finish the sentence? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!
GamerLeFay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant xkcd
Taqy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...INSIDE WHAT, YOU SAVAGE!!!
DeathcampEnthusiast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My uncle did that a lot to me too.
123choji ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:00:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same in Filipino, where itโs barko!
tbyg ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:22:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe that's where the word embark comes from
BoJackB26354 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:26:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can get on board with this explanation.
thisern ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:26:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Embarko
busfullofchinks ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:38:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were old trading ships called barque(s).
fantabularistical ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup.
phlux ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, it does
gwaydms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Embarcadero in San Fran is where the ships used to dock.
Burning_Cinder ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:24:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
same in portuguese
rhynoplaz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Polo!
ate2fiver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not fun at all, pal. You think this is some sort of joke?
nagumi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In hebrew barco means projector for some reason I've never cared enough to investigate.
FinalCutProductions ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Polo
herpderpedia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Time to buy barco.de to sell Spanish ships in Germany.
Curaja ยท 966 points ยท Posted at 13:30:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh my god
ManMooseLegend ยท 243 points ยท Posted at 13:31:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome x
Zazerrr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:36:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thank you so much.
INTERNET_SO_FUCK_YOU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No problem xx
FUCK_ME_DEAD ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:04:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
G'night babe xx
Zazerrr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:23 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
huh?
callMeSIX ยท 280 points ยท Posted at 14:45:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You must have children, lots of embarrassed children.
iBooYourBadPuns ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:29:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the new German navy have glass-bottomed boats? So they can see the old German navy!
ManMooseLegend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that!
baar-ur ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:08:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Swedish scientists teaching a robot to identify birds? It's scanned-an-avian.
chazzeromus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:40:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
please leave
ManMooseLegend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yes mum
Davidclabarr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:43:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Swedish cows have barcodes on the sides? So the farmers can take the right live Stock-holm
Sorry, that was all I could come up with on the spot
MarketSalami ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this one in a joke thread a couple weeks ago and have been using it non stop
edsjag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have to ask, RMIT, CSIT? I think I know who you are!
ManMooseLegend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nope
Mathsciteach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this as โall Finnish shipsโ
nofuckingpeepshow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
had to share this with my wife
RonPolyp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you outlive your children.
ManMooseLegend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:30:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u little charmer x
kcshuffler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:24 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saying โSwedish Shipsโ just gave me cancer
PoorEdgarDerby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's funny because when you say it out loud it sounds like scan the navy in.
Garraan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
ManMooseLegend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:21:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Son?
InternJedi ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:44:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zlatan?
ZackOnLife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:28:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is only one Zlatan.
still_futile ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:17:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DONKEY!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gesundheit!
PureWhey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow...
Morrinn3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think this may be the worst joke of all time.
iamaravis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite. :D
ProtestantTwerkEthic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre a goddamn legend
linkmypokemon ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 13:31:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated ๐
ynotbehappy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:58:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is great, thanks :D
tatanka01 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:04:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof
toadkiller ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:07:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaand I have a new favorite joke.
notyoursocialworker ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:18:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am Swedish, love this.
US_Hiker ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:20:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is pure comedy gold.
psyki ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:42:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one that made me legit laugh
Mz-B ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:45:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don....you little ass
bigredmachinist ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:45:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I chortled
phlux ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:55:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like that but with Viking Ships instead.
gtrogers ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:19:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite. I shall now relentlessly annoy everyone I know with it starting immediately
AdjutantStormy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:26:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy fuck that's brilliant
The_Nipple_Tickler ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:37:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's awful.
I love it.
RealCosmos ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐ Got it.
OscRos03 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes on you, Sweden has no navy
ManMooseLegend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure about that, buddy?
OscRos03 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:18:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Japp
LandauMoonbeams ยท 328 points ยท Posted at 12:43:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's like an unemployed doctor.....no patience
rdrodri ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:53:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like school in summertime.....no class
satansrapier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What song is this..?
Misstonnes ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:13:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's High Road by that band that does the "10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will..."
E: except in the song it goes "like a high school dropout, no class" I think
satansrapier ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:20:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fort Minor! Thank you! That would've been noodling in my brain all day.
adaram6 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:37:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like the doctor of the Kenyan track team, his patience ran thin...
SilverEchoAlphaN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:38:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To quote a lazy tailor: "suit yourself"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is even better if you're able to use it in context!
[deleted] ยท 3429 points ยท Posted at 10:34:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
fooduvluv ยท 1257 points ยท Posted at 13:14:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well
ChramaticDipmunk ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:05:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my all time favorites! I think it works a little better if you say he is half-blind instead of blind.
amras123 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:21:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know. You could be legally blind, and still be able to make out shapes and stuff.
pugg_fuggly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But you might not see that well.
HandicapperGeneral ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one that's made me laugh
Vrathal ยท 453 points ยท Posted at 12:30:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...
christmasgiraf ยท 351 points ยท Posted at 14:44:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a dyslexic member of the KKK told me that they hate gingers
Kinkzor ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:37:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa. His brother, a dyslexic pimp, went and sunk all his money into a warehouse.
kettu3 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:50:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get it! Because he's actually in the KKK, but you said KKK, Because he's dyslexic!
Atomicapples ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:16:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Darn! Nothing gets past you!!!
TobiasTangent ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:33:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The dyslexic here said something about 'gingers'... not the KKK. But I can't tell if you're actually whooshing or not.
kettu3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Naw, yeah, I was kidding, but thanks for checking! ๐
Zerotan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:23:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/KiEUkYCuvuM
TillyTeckel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:18 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knew what that link was before clicking it, but still clicked cos it's Tim.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg gingers works as an anagram... :O
Kerrigore ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:29:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
DickButtPlease ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:39:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have sex daily.
edit: dyslexia
JellyButtet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/IHaveSex
edit: r/IHaveDyslexia
DickButtPlease ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:14:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldnโt it be /r/IHaveSexDaily?
durnJurta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:31:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fight apathy! Or don't, whatever.
zaffiro_in_giro ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:59:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
can425 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:56:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a dyslexic dog that thinks he's God.
P0sitive_Outlook ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:24:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sick of seeing so many jokes about dyslexics. My buddy is dyslexic and he's just like everyone else - has a job, a house, a family. Gotta treat everyone with respect, dude. Remember, dyslexics are teaple poo.
boredsittingonthebus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:00:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He runs a warehouse.
gorilla_bezoar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irish man walks out of a bar.
rienik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic man walks into a bar... ๐
ncnotebook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:18:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And a watery beverage. And a spider.
Notimetothinknow ยท 211 points ยท Posted at 11:15:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club
Irememberedmypw ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 11:35:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And orders a polar beer.
SiNosDejan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:37:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And gets brutally hammered
WildZeebra ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:22:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely smashed
nishant032 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:56:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Completely butchered
KittenWizard ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 11:34:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and then he died
Outsider203 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:54:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That escalated quickly.
Trappedinacar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's too dark. There's children reading this.
tiempo90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:43:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and went to seal heeaven.
WalkerVII ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me sad : (
BangerBeanzandMash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always said โSo this guy walks into a bar, and says ouchโ
Beandip50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg lmao noooo
Shigjetar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:(
notmerida ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:38:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:(
kryndon ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:39:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Inb4 someone googles "seal clubbing!".
God that makes me want to kill human beings with a rough stone. Fuck.
JackSomebody ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:32:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 men walk into a bar. The third one ducks
Now-Look ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"
edvind ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:40:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh out loud
Whoazers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:33:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar and goes "OW!"
Pasteypaste ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:09:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic
taviebeefs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaron Rogers walks into a Barr....
LaBau5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:17:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was this blind man walking down the street and he walks through a fish market. The man takes a deep breath and says "whew! Good morning ladies!"
chase_memes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:47:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive heard this one but it was hellen keller
FireflyRave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:38:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
Leneord1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And a sword
ThatOnePieceOfShit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And my axe!
Eclectic_Lynx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day! ๐
AirunV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three blind mice, see how they run... Into things.
robbedigital ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Perfect!
scottywadly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes walk into a bar. The redhead ducks.
radthibbadayox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to my go-to!
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
KongPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite out of this entire thread.
SallyCanWait27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know who I bumped into in Specsavers the other day ???
Everyone.
Kaidart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Twelve Nazis walk into a BAR.
They're dead now.
CapnCanfield ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw
wsteelerfan7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, I get it. He's a skyrim npc
SciviasKnows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar. The second man ducked.
IcyReached ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 16:48:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales walk into a bar.
The first whale says "Aaaaaaawwwwwoooo ooooowwwwwaaaaa"
The second whale turns to the first and says "Frank, you're drunk"
wdn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:41:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you tell this, make what the first whale says take as long as you possibly can get away with.
HalfPastDaydream ยท 249 points ยท Posted at 14:39:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dig, you dig, he dig, she dig, they dig, we dig. Not a very beautiful poem, but itโs very deep
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
feedmedammit ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:37:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wumbo, you wumbo, he, she, they wumbo
StarTicYT ยท 1532 points ยท Posted at 10:59:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a T-bone steak and a comet? Oneโs kinda meaty, the otherโs a little meteor
KnightontheSun ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 15:12:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Ones really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Sack-of-bean ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:36:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster wearing a bra? Ones a crusty bus station the others a busty crustacean
cheddies ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:06:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This did not get the credit or visibility it deserved. Had me laughing for 2 mins straight.
siyumkhan ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 14:25:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, scientifically inaccurate, but it still got a chuckle out of me
remedialrob ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 15:52:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A shooting star would be more accurate.
spork3 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:07:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was my first thought too.
jetpacksforall ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:14:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say "shooting star" instead of comet.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:01:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
joninco ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:16:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think he means because a T-bone steak isn't kinda meaty, it's HELLA meaty.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:58:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ThatOnePieceOfShit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:54:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/woosh
Metal_Charizard ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:35:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke does seem to suggest that any given comet is a little meteor, which is not true.
Rationalbacon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:09:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no its inaccurate because the singular "a" was used in the sentence "a comet" meaning the body as a whole which constitutes a comet.
siyumkhan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:47:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude not all comets are meteors, a meteor has to enter the atmosphere, meteorites burn up, and meteoroids impact. A comets basically a dwarf planet that can have a weird orbit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
andy921 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:03:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A comet is usually many millions of times larger than a typical meteor.
The center (nucleus) of a comet hitting Earth is a very rare, possibly life as we know it ending event.
This is why calling a comet a "little meteor" is making a couple people twitch.
spork3 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:11:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Comets are in no way little meteors. Yes, meteor showers are from cometary debris, but that doesnโt mean the comet has become a meteor. The only comet known to have become a meteor is Tunguska a century ago.
100percent_right_now ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:34:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How come asteroids are in the hemisphere and hemorrhoids are on you ass?
ws1173 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One weighs a ton; the other's a little lighter.
MrLuxarina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure that should be a meteorite, not a comet.
physiologic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Since everyone is commenting about comets not being meteors try replacing comet with "shooting star".
"Whatโs the difference between a T-bone steak and a shooting star? Oneโs kinda meaty, the otherโs a little meteor"
Rationalbacon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FALSE! a meteor has to be within earth orbit to be classified as such.
THIS GUY IS A PHONEY!!!!! A BIT FAT PHONEY!!
CarpeGeum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:28:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As soon as I read that joke I knew there would be bitter arguing in the comments. Reddit never disappoints.
40b4five ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
T-bone and a meteorite
One's meaty. One's a littler meteor.
Gregrox ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This doesn't work because comets are far far larger than meteors. I would suggest replacing "comet" with "space dust"
etymologynerd ยท 16917 points ยท Posted at 14:01:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this one from r/jokes I got a while back:
A lumberjack goes into a magical forest to chop down some wood. He goes up to the first tree he sees, and just as he's about to swing, the tree says, "wait! Don't kill me! I'm a talking tree!"
"Yes," the lumberjack says, "and you'll dialogue."
k4ng ยท 1768 points ยท Posted at 16:05:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hehehehehehehheheh
yes i like this
asifinperson ยท 879 points ยท Posted at 16:26:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that the tone of your response is as if the thread was set up for you, some kind of joke king, and this one pleased you.
AngularChelitis ยท 320 points ยท Posted at 16:36:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm pretty sure heโs only joke king
SIacktivist ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 16:52:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, heโs a k4ng.
fairlymediocre ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 17:05:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
K4ng?
I guess it's a reference to something, but all I can read is "Kfourng"
Edit: SORRY IM CALLING RETARD ALERT ON MYSELF, NEVER MIND
SweetNeo85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it.
zamadaga ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:11:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(his username)
Wallace_II ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:05:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's just Fan4tastic
ClintonHarvey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:06:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DAMMIT YOU GUYS ARE SO GOOD
HaltAndCatchTheKnick ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:51:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHehehehe... Off with his head.โ
Boobisboobbackwards ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:52:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ftfy
DerpyThumbUp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:45:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you mean joke k4ng
tinkerbunny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:14:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And said like this: Being me the brown one, he amuses me.
planethaley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:22:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg. Is that a real job? I wanna be a joke king people try to please :p
Electricspiral ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:11:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure everyone is Joke King on here lol
Knallert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, he won the thread.
NiceGuyPreston ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yeet
revolution1337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he is the joke k4ng
TueTao ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 16:11:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/k4ng approves
mrtyman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the k4ng abides
etymologynerd ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:20:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I like you
denz609 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:42:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he likes it
Khassar_de_Templari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hey mikey
HoochieKoo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:31:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hew hew hew hew. More punny.
kjafar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Weirdly enough, in a thread with some really funny jokes, this comment made me laugh the most.
Khassar_de_Templari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey Mikey I think he likes it!
sarah-xxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I bet the tree didn't..
lind_p ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 16:19:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it, I don't get it. Someone send help.
etymologynerd ยท 120 points ยท Posted at 16:20:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dialogue = die a log
-Gas ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:41:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
aDesmondMiles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:49:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah thank you I was reading that word like โdiabloโ
sabocano ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:28:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
English isn't my mother tongue. but just how do you read dialogue like diablo?
xoriginal-usernamex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:22:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
idk what it is about this comment but im in tears from laughing
aDesmondMiles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dee-ah-log
Slothmaster222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Die ah log
Reaverant ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 16:21:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dialogue = Die a Log, the lumberjack will cut the tree into Logs
lind_p ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 16:22:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, I see! Thanks man
English can be hard, when you only read it.
ironmanmk42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You'll die, log.
rugmunchkin ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 16:17:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Careful, folks. This one only really works in written format. Spoken, itโll be more like:
โ...And youโll dialogue.โ
Confused stare.
โYouโll dialogue!โ
โ...Dialogue about what?โ
โNo, no. Dialogue, get it? Die-a-log? Youโll die as a log!โ
โOh, heh. Yeah. Hah... I guess thatโs kinda funny. Iโm just gonna stare in the other direction for a few minutes.โ
๐คข๐คฎ๐คง๐ค
etymologynerd ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 16:19:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah it works find for me verbally as well
SirGingerBeard ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:52:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you are just talking to stupid people?
rugmunchkin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid people need die a log too.
Ayth_Jr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:24:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I Think It Works Better Spoken.
Ucla_The_Mok ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
MerlinTrismegistus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:23:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Magic tractor turns into a field...
Doohicky101 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:09:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks dad!
bipolardiabetic ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:20:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read this 5 times before I finally got it.
Savoury_Mansplaining ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:42:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Would get a laugh every time"...
NapClub ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:22:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ah combination dad joke and pun.
excellent.
dsr541 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:07:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the US, I've never heard someone say "Let's dialogue" or "you guys dialogue" when they mean "want to talk". I don't think anyone would make that connection.
souldust ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:02:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this:
"Would we still chop down trees if trees could scream?"
"Well, maybe, if they do so all the time for no good reason."
MelontheMerciless ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:18:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tried this one irl, works far better in print than spoken
blazexddd ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:15:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoever thought about this is a genius
yomancs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got me lol
throwawaycatsop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the tree was the bus driver
TinyRiiick1987 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is amazing
UDtimburrhog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
chuuckaduuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now Iโm sad for that talking tree....but it is funny, r/screenwriting might like it
jleonardbc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You either dialogue or leaf long enough to see yourself become a punchline.
HTBscribbles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That physically hurt to read. Well done.
Molten__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:27:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate myself for laughing at this
SpasmFingers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:35:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This caused me to lightly expel a short burt of air from my nose
pa79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:39:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are others from the magical forest: "Bend over, magical fairy, a wish is a wish!"
jayrab13 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:16:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a good one but probably better if itโs typed out versus said verbally
RChamy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Nani?" , Said the tree.
Marquizel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deku tree?
jcsii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MMMM...word porn.
RonPolyp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Puns should be death penalty offenses.
bert0ld0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could you please explain this to a non native english?
etymologynerd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:44:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Die a log
bert0ld0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol thanks a log
Interkom ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one doesn't work. You can't "dialogue". And even if you could, it wouldn't make sense to tell a dying tree to dialogue. Puns have to work both ways to be funny.
flyingseel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah idk why people seem to love this. Have never heard someone say โyouโll dialogueโ to people who are talking or about to talk.
godlycorsair32 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of the lumberjack cutaway gag in family guy.
nglbrgr ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 16:15:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TLDR
RealCosmos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:22:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Die a log
_thats_not_me_ ยท 1694 points ยท Posted at 11:17:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys are sitting on a boat, and pull out their cigarettes. They all start to realize with horror as they pat their empty pockets that none of them have brought their cigarette lighters.
But Tom raises his finger in the air and grins. He takes a second cigarette from his pack and tosses it into the lake, and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Pit-trout ยท 347 points ยท Posted at 12:20:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then it sinks and all three guys drown, since cigarette lighters arenโt seaworthy.
Irememberedmypw ยท 206 points ยท Posted at 12:59:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But one of the guys survived cause he asked for a few bucks to keep him afloat this week.
Curaja ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 13:28:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But where did he keep the deer?
holyshithestall ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 14:35:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was a good man, he kept things deer to him close to his heart
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:27:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will reach for a lime.
IM SAVED BY THE BUOYANCY OF CITRUS
notakleptomaniac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:55:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If only Jack had borrowed some money from Rose
ButtercupsUncle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:02:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the patrol boat arrests them for littering
ashowofhands ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:21:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Not_Reverse_Flash_ ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:35:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Adam Westโs Batman taught me that one.
_thats_not_me_ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:43:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
R.I.P.
Link to scene.
Stay_Beautiful_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:00:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could not figure that joke out as a kid. I just didn't get it
thevanishingbee ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 15:37:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to re- read this an embarrassing number of times before I finally got it.
waterlilyrm ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:33:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same here. Oy.
LeftHandSolo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:08:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This took me longer to figure out than Iโd like to admit.
hotsauce_23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:49:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That took me way too long to get than it should have
Catharas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read this so many times
Schaafwond ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:58:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So the boat's on fire?
ToiletPaperScarf ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 16:12:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's a "cigarette lighter" because they've just tossed one out of the boat (i.e. the boat has one less cigarette)
WildZeebra ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:25:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn
El-Big-Nasty ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:26:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank God someone explained it
Schaafwond ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know, but a lighter usually works with fire.
waterlilyrm ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:34:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if you're joking, given the thread, but they're using 'lighter' as in 'weighs less'.
SHAD0WEYES ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Woooooosh
SirDudeson12 ยท 17666 points ยท Posted at 11:24:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife left me for being arrogant, I told her to close the door on her way back in.
OxBakersTriumph ยท 1597 points ยท Posted at 14:21:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife left me for being too condescending....that means I talk down to people
Kerrigore ยท 718 points ยท Posted at 15:24:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Don't worry, I'm not being condescending. I'm far too busy thinking about important things you wouldn't understand."
โ Jimmy Carr
gumgut ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:59:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried watching his standup on Netflix but I just couldn't get into it because it seemed like he just delivered one-liners after one-liners. :(
Justincrediballs ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 17:12:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's much better bouncing jokes off of other people. Not a huge fan of his standup, love him on shows.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 19:02:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the point. I like his style. It's dry, but unique. And when he hits hard, he hits HARD
-manabreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Plus his routines are just insults.
looking4u42 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:52:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that as โJimmy Carterโ for a second and it made for a very strange visual in my mind....
Baronheisenberg ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:44:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hu hu hu hu HUUUUH
gwaydms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:53:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The king of snark
EpikusFogantyu ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:50:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You speak like someone who has never been smacked in the fooken mouth
lambofgun ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:40:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Puscifer has a killer song called The Remedy that has this line in it
edmgypsy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My old manager was a condescending B. Ahhhh!!
greengrasser11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:45:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works great when you tell it in person.
leelee1411 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For best effect, lean in slightly and nod emphatically when you start explaining
Sage2050 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend told me she was breaking up with me because she thinks I'm a pedophile. I told her that's a big word for a ten year old.
pinniped1 ยท 9770 points ยท Posted at 11:33:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife left me for being too insecure.
Oh wait... She's back. Turns out she just went for coffee.
ulyssessword ยท 3431 points ยท Posted at 13:55:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I came home the other day and found a note from my wife on the fridge:
"I've packed my bags and will be staying with my mother. This isn't working, you always take things too literally."
The food was cold, the light came on, I don't know what she was talking about.
Dosc01 ยท 1194 points ยท Posted at 14:05:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad's are like boomerangs, ... I hope.
Wizurd48 ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 14:47:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In my experience they just get really pissed when you try to throw them
Frustrable_Zero ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:23:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or sometimes that boomerang can take a long time to come back, he sure is taking a while getting those smokes.
Vocal_Breaker ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:32:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes, it never came back...
It just makes you to pick it up yourself...
I'm not fun in a party.
Kenezis ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:33:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/indianpeoplequora
MezzanineAlt ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:39:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a dad who doesn't come back is just a stick
HyperboleJoe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:22:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes they smack you when you least suspect it.
padubenay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dads
dilwins21 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
first to make me laugh out loud!
Lanz37 ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 14:17:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
F
[deleted] ยท 253 points ยท Posted at 14:15:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one took a full two or three minutes for me, but iโm glad i stuck with it.
motionblurrr ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 14:41:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the encouragement. I didn't give up!
MezzanineAlt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:41:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thank you for your service
Baronheisenberg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:43:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't let your dreams be dreams.
FluxRevived ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:55:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm fucking stupid, you wanna explain it to me?
EDIT: ayy lmao I get it now. I managed to completely skip over the part where it says the note is on the fridge
Ghosttwo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:42:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'Twas what she said, me lord!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:39:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're good. The last part should start with "when I opened the fridge.." to get your mind back on the fridge to get the joke
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:51:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The hard part for me was at about a minute and a half in. Because I started wondering if Iโm really pretty stupid and I got into a shame/fear spiral. Then I had to start my breathing exercises and mindfulness techniques plus focus on the joke at the same time. It was a real journey through the self.
droidballoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:20:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Quite the trip! Glad to have you back with the rest of us. \o/
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:47:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Iโm glad to be back. You guys are great!
Sockmonkee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the art of this joke is in it's subtlety
ksanthra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too. It's actually pretty good.
jedipony1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it
Man0li ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 14:51:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
please explain this to me i dont get it :( edit: thanks guys i get it now :P
Z_FLuX_Z ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 16:09:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She left a note on the fridge to say "this isn't working". He took it literally, to mean that the fridge wasn't working, but the light came on when he opened it and the food was still cold.
MrE217 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 16:17:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhh ha.. holy shit ... never would have gotten that probably lol
1975offroad ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:09:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was saying the refrigerator literally was working - the food was cold and the light came on - when he opened the door to the refrigerator.
ShoutsWillEcho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:05:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me nither
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 14:58:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ubernuke ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 15:02:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think that's right. He knows the wife wrote the letter, but he believes the wife is saying the refrigerator isn't working while she really means the relationship isn't working.
/u/Man0li
IrishRepoMan ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:09:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He doesn't think the fridge wrote it. He thinks she was saying the fridge isn't working.
phlux ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:31:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife came in and said, angrily "You never take anything seriously!"
I looked at her and said "You've got to be kidding me!"
BusterGrundle ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:05:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite one so far.
OFS_Razgriz ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:04:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now the real question is, does the light turn off when you close the door?
tomtac ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:15:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We're supposed to close the door?
dragosol ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
of course not, they're trying to trick you
Kaibakura ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:33:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIโm sick of you pretending to be a detective, I think we should split up.โ
โGood idea, we can cover more ground that way.โ
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:54:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol took me a minute
elriggo44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:53:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Took me much longer than Iโd like to admit to find the joke.
ComebackShane ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:24:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIf youโre asking me to choose between our relationship, and my โobsessionโ with pointing out entryways to people, well, then ...
_Theres the door._โ
freakahontas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:03:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a non-native speaker, I don't get this. care to explain?
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:08:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
tomtac ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:16:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And in our country, we leave note on the fridge, with magnets, quite a lot.
ulyssessword ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:10:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The "This" in the note is ambiguous. His wife was saying "our marriage isn't working", but he read it as "the fridge isn't working".
Benjaphar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:43:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the โyou take thing too literallyโ doesnโt really make sense as itโs equally literal to say the relationship or the fridge arenโt working. Itโs a problem of perspective, not of being too literal.
ulyssessword ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:46:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You take things too literally.
eIImcxc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm confused I donโt get it.
ulyssessword ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:18:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You aren't taking it literally enough.
BasicSavant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this lol
capitoloftexas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Took me 3 minutes but when it clicked oh my God haha, thank you for this!
uH_f0C_OfF67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm slow I donโt get it
caterjunes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just got the same satisfaction I imagine people feel after a 1000-piece puzzle. This must be what itโs like to run a marathon. Thanks, friend.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:19:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha
SamCropper ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 16:52:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective and that we should split up.
"Good idea" I said, "that way we'll cover more ground."
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:16:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
honestly better joke than OP sorry
QuoteHulk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:13:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They complement each other nicely
anhedo11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke is in the replies.
DadWasntYourMoms1st ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
but with who though
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AskMeForAPhoto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:23:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid fucking Chads
/s
mightyraz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:29:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know it's a joke n everything but im seeing it alot lately.. Do ppl go out for coffee? Dont ppl make coffee at home? Or is it just here like this
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:45:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mightyraz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm i see. Thanks for replying
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Take my upvote you!
SleeplessShitposter ยท 528 points ยท Posted at 13:50:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of that one webcomic.
"Well, if you aren't going to deal with my obsession with pointing out the obvious... then THE DOOR IS RIGHT HERE!"
Joonmoy ยท 350 points ยท Posted at 15:35:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what webcomic you read, but I read this one: https://i.imgur.com/dXI8J.jpg
TheSunkenPirate ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 16:20:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God damnit: your is not the same as you're!
Funny comic otherwise.
BaePls ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 16:37:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs from a series that took tweets, typos and all, and made them into comics.
TaxCollector ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 16:40:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's from Twitter: The Comic, where the artist draws comics based on musings/jokes from Twitter. All spelling is preserved.
SlothOfDoom ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:30:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Since I am too lazy to read any replies that you have already received, I feel it is important to point out that this is from a comic that took twitter posts, including spelling mistakes, and made comic strips out of them.
I am confident that although it has been an hour nobody else will have replied to tell you this.
britfaic ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:55:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was a comic series that transcribed tweets as comics. It likely was in the original.
ThatsRight_ISaidIt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:15:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fixed. Have a nice day!
phlux ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 16:34:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I triggered on that as well - honestly - I think that was a subtle intention of the joke. The joke is to anger people who are going to point out that its "you're" while talking about pointing out the obvious!
Brilliant comic.
willicaj ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 16:37:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could have been done for spacing in the bubble
Benjaphar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldโve gone with ur then. Brevity is everything. The only thing.
Introsium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If itโs everything, isnโt it by definition the only thing?
Ironic. He could save others from bombast, but not himself.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:59:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*You're
This-Is-Not-A-Drill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:57:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah thatโs the one issue I have with this webcomic. He keeps the wording of the tweets he uses exactly the same. :/
QuaggaSwagger ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 16:01:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My deaf wife just left me. I should've seen the signs.
Pentapuss ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 15:55:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Whapwhaaap ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 16:14:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The line is usually โclose the door on your way outโ but heโs so arrogant that heโs certain sheโll come back to him.
Zep_Rocko ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 17:23:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OK, that's what I thought, but I'm not feeling it.
AbeRego ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:54:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's a reach
Starklet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:14:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somehow the top of the thread too
Pentapuss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
PunkorTrendy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:46:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ok I understood it right, it just wasn't really funny.
Just_Living_da_Dream ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:15:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's so arrogant he thinks she'll come back to him so he said close the door when you come back.
xsvpollux ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke teller is so arrogant, he assumes she will be coming back to him. It turns "shut the door on the way out" upside down and he tells her to close it when she gets back - because, of course, she'll be back.
ssaltmine ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Normally you say it when somebody leaves. Don't smash the door on the way out.
The guy is so arrogant he is certain the wife will leave, but will eventually come back, so when she comes back she shouldn't slam the door.
The sad thing is actual abusive relationships are like that. In many cases the wife comes back because she just can't survive on her own :(
SwansonHOPS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You get no respect I tell ya
TenTonBlue ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:35:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I might be arrogant, ive actually done this, sort of.
I was 20, had my own apartment, girlfriend didnt live with me, but spent most of her free time there. Had a fight with her, she got mad and bolted for the door. I could hear her car startup and drive off. I just sat there on the couch as I had been, no TV, no reading, nothing, just sitting there waiting. I heard her car pull back in and sure enough after about 10 minutes since she left she came right back. She opened the door walked up to me and tried to hand me a ring I gave her for a 1 year anniversary thing(we were young) and said "I dont love you anymore take your fucking ring back". I responded with "No, sit down so we can talk about this." She said, "No, I fucking mean it" I responded with, "If you really meant it you would have thrown the ring away and drove home, or you would have come back here, opened the door, thrown the ring at me, told me to fuck off, close the door, leave and go home, but you didnt do that, you tried to hand me the ring to get some emotional response out of me, so sit down so we can talk about this. Thats when I watched her just kind of crumple into the chair completely crushed. She then looked at the TV and back at me, "what were you doing while I was gone?". I said, "nothing, just waiting for you to come back."
For anyone who actually reads this and thinks im proud of this or ok with this, no, im not proud or ok with what I did, not at all.
Roadsoda350 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:53:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife says I can be really condescending. THAT MEANS I TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE.
Equilibrist ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:25:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend left me. She said I was obsessed with Linkin Park, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
jesonnier ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:34:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a Dangerfield joke.
Gden ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:36:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure if this is that funny or in just bad taste, but I just made it up. My wife left me for my obsessive behavior. I told her to make sure she slammed the door an even number of times when she left.
g3t0nmyl3v3l ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:15:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first time Iโve seen a joke I just donโt get in one of these threads. Can anyone help me out?
Dominic51487 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:08:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I find "I told her dont let the door hit you on your way back in" a better version
eleanor61 ยท 299 points ยท Posted at 15:21:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Hates_escalators ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 16:40:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone saw them climbing down the wall and said "That's a little condescending."
MsCherryPiie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:28:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobby criminal who is walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending
SeanTheTranslator ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:38:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/WordAvalanches has a great avalanche on this
clumsyonigiri ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:46:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gideon Gleefull?
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:36:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wait gravity falls?
clumsyonigiri ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:45:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes :)
JohnnyShit-Shoes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So they have a dwarf shortage?
CheesePizzachu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:52:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cognitive Dissonance?
ghostmovie ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 14:04:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt you tell a kleptomaniac a pun?
Heโll take it literally.
R2gro2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:22:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this one as:
Kleptomaniacs don't understand puns, they're always taking things literally.
succmaster21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is the funniest one๐
ctrembs03 ยท 1115 points ยท Posted at 13:20:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man builds a zoo. It only has one attraction. It's a dog. It's a shih tzu.
rlrgr ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 16:18:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm idunno about this being "clean"
LeaveTheMatrix ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:14:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix a Shih Tzu with a Bulldog ?
A little bullshiz.
crabalanche ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:34:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yessssssss.
This is legitimately the only joke I know.
MasterChiefGuy5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Personally I always thought it sounded better as:
I went to a zoo, but it only had one attraction. It was a shih tzu
boso271 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve always heard it as: Went to West Midlands safari park the other day. All they had was a dog in a cage. It was a pretty shih tzu
Rommie557 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
error 404:: comment not found
AndrogynousHobo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this one as a really long story. The longer the better.
Empirer_BAD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OMG I wanna come visit that tzu zoo so bad
Dark_Blade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm literally crying right now. I donโt know why this got to me, but it did.
synopser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only joke in the whole thread I laughed out loud at. Nice ...
[deleted] ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 13:33:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't a nose be 12-inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
DrunkUncleJay ยท 340 points ยท Posted at 12:53:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the bad sausage??
It's the wurst
themaxcharacterlimit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something something best wurst sausage.
pseudopsud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:42:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The award winning sausage was the best of the wurst
redfoxyfox13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German sausages are the wurst.
boniqmin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dutch sausages are the worst
brodkniven ยท 276 points ยท Posted at 13:48:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a person with no body and no nose? - Nobody knows
matdave ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:41:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's no body and just a nose
jadefyrexiii ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:16:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldnโt it be a nose with no body
kylescheele ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:06:21 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it as โwhat do you call a nose with no body? No-body nose.โ
Torcal4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:15:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deceased
Sebaren ยท 1391 points ยท Posted at 13:01:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. Heโs never gonna give you Up.
WhatTheFoxtrout ยท 1116 points ยท Posted at 15:16:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just looked up โRick Astleyโs pixar collectionโ and this says otherwise.
mozilla2012 ยท 262 points ยท Posted at 15:43:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit
ApricitySeed ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 15:44:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Even worse than a rickroll
t0xie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:09:10 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was expecting the Rick roll. This was way better :)
ebbomega ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:46:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just take your fucking upvote and get the hell out of here.
OwenProGolfer ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:53:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was expecting rickroll but this isnโt much better
Alucardvondraken ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 16:06:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was well played.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:20:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not falling for that you dirty son of a bitch.
Edit: Curiosity got the best of me, and you sir are a dirty dog! I would rather have been rickrolled.
shapu ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:31:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
Edit: Oh fuck me
HaykoKoryun ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once you get it, you will lose the game!
LeaveTheMatrix ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:12:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which you just lost.
And I just lost.
And anyone reading this just lost.
You bastard.
JellyButtet ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:27:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I LOST THE GAAAAAAAAME!
bqrichards ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:20:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sleep with yourself at night
Reddit-Chef ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:22:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That got me really fuckin good
graememacfarlane ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:59:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know what this is. Going in anyways
Edit: you sly fucker
ShellsFeathersFur ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:48:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can guess what that link is.
RadicalMonarch ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 16:03:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโd have guessed wrong
bxball ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
well played
Sebaren ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well played... Well played...
Bone_Dice_in_Aspic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:18:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it's tautologically delicious
InanimateSpud ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:41:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs better than getting rickrolled I guess
Fgukenschnitzel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:59:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got me. Well played.
i_miss_buddy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I LOL'd at this one
SpringPfeiffer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love reddit so much!
Wise_Writer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was half expecting to see Peyton Manning.
Rationalbacon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FALSE!!! Text is different to speaking.
PHONEY DETECTED!!
MulberryPurple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/notinteresting for more like this
Stolehtreb ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:18:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This always never works for me. That thumbnail is a joke killer
Lesbigwen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do your thumbs have to do with anything?
Classy_Philosoraptor ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:55:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit. If all the things I expected of this thread, getting Rick-rolled was not one of them.
Sebaren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know. 2008 called. They want their dank meme back.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:50:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Sebaren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice. Proud of you.
ChocoboCloud69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sadly disappointed to not see a true Rick roll in this comment thread
dannythetwo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/9pWXwa2T-k8
beasterne ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 14:57:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a unicycle in a leotard and a bicycle in a three-piece suit?
Attire
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve heard a different version of that involving a bicycle and tricycle.
theREALfinger ยท 758 points ยท Posted at 13:22:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the scoutmaster say after getting his car horn fixed? โBeep repairedโ
Lord_Jesus_Chrysler ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 16:25:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, can someone explain this one to me?
Inactive_Account ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 16:36:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a minute, too.
"Be Prepared."
Notcreativeatall1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to say it out loud before I got it lol
flamingos_world_tour ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:48:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The motto for the Scout movement is "Be Prepared."
Beep repaired. Be prepared.
Lord_Jesus_Chrysler ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:55:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks guy, I didn't make it past weebelo
Theyvad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:42:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donโt you automatically become a full pledged scout after you come of age? I did jack shit as a Cub Scout and did barely enough for tenderfoot
TheMysteriousMid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:02 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean yes, but Weebelo is the last step in cub scouts so it could just be a way of saying he didn't go on to scouts proper.
dreamofadream ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:43:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Former boy scout here. I'm in stitches
ExpatMeNow ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:30:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just said it to my Eagle Scout husband. He just glared at me.
Enect ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:45:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also glaring at my phone.
Lickerbomper ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:57:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Scar say after getting his car horn fixed?
JellyButtet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What?
theREALfinger ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:13:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Be prePARRRRRRRED
Minihood1997 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:16:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one got me good.
Scraphead91 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one, could someone explain?
7_trash_dad ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:29:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Be prepared"
Scraphead91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe I didn't get that one, thanks man
fiyahcat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhh
Doctah_Feelgood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed like an idiot for a solid 30 seconds. Good one.
Klopford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm sharing this with my dad (former scoutmaster.)
coldcurru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is best said aloud
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The corn is piling up here
jthill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*tweet
Double___Dragon ยท 445 points ยท Posted at 14:54:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only thing flat earthers fear... is sphere itself.
sea-clearly ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 17:09:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do flat eathers travel from place to place?
In a plane.
drengfu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:41:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This got me
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:00:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yesssssssss
dfc85 ยท 819 points ยท Posted at 10:38:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?"
"Rrrr?"
"Nay, 'tis the 'C'"
[deleted] ยท 443 points ยท Posted at 12:14:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I asked an old pirate if he was an octogenarian. He said "Aye, matey."
Keshav_The_Wolf ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 14:23:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That took matey seconds to get
ForceGauge ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:09:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you explain this one to me?
DIYKnowNothing ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:10:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aye matey = Iโm 80
Not-A-Comic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:15:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Octogenarian means 80-89 years old
Halinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Aye, matey" sound like "I'm eighty"
toxoxoxo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that's good. Had to consult a dictionary for that one
Mechasteel ยท 227 points ยท Posted at 10:49:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You'd think so, but without "p" a pirate would be irate.
DeterministDiet ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 11:14:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRR!!!!!!
shadylady80 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:50:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my new favorite joke ๐
jgallant1990 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a pirate keep his jam?
In a jaaaaarrrrrrr
shadylady80 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:02:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes!!!!! ๐
Drewshbag77 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:56:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And now I lie in wait. It may be years before this can be used, but this joke is locked and loaded. When the time comes I will think of you, Thank you.
Stephoenix ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 12:29:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And if they already know the punchline and beat you to it, respond "I matey, I"
too_drunk_for_this ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 11:17:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke ever. Three different punchlines, each better than the last.
AskMeIfImAReptiloid ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 11:33:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the third punchline other than R and C?
NottmForest ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 11:37:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โPโ because without it a pirate would be irate
BlueManQuad ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 15:34:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Comcast subscriber. We are suspending your internet account as we have detected illegal software downloads from your location......
phlux ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:38:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it easy to win an argument with a Pirate?
Because they dont have a leg to stand on.
averagefuckb0y ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:25:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also โAye matey, Iโ
b_taken_username ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 13:40:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually most pirates were illiterate so they didn't have favourite letters
Stay_Beautiful_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:03:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I, Matey. I
theinternethero ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:37:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You also have: "X because it marks the spot"
Brairag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:51:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better question: are you a reptiloid?
AskMeIfImAReptiloid ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a better question. That's a pretty dumb question.
jgallant1990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you though?
AskMeIfImAReptiloid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I can tell you that I am not a question.
Whats_Up4444 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I"
JadesterZ ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I matey
Axxalon ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:30:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to ask a bunch in sequence:
โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite sock pattern?โ
โArrrgyle!โ
โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite Star Wars character?โ
โArrr-2 D2!โ
โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite South American country?โ
โArrrgentina!โ
โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite restaurant?โ
โArrrbys?โ
โNo. Long John Silverโs.โ
DonaldPShimoda ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:55:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You hear about that new pirate movie?"
"No"
"It's rated arrr"
(Listener groans)
"Do you know why it's rated arr?"
"...no"
"Because of all the booty!"
browner87 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:06:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"R"
"No, ya might think that but his first love will always be the C"
mix-a-max ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:28:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir or madam, It has come to our attention that you have infringed our copywrite protected work...
DNAli3n ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:44:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The bartender says, "do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"
The pirate says "yarghhhh, it's been drivin' me nuts"
QuaggaSwagger ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:24:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But they hate the alphabet because it never takes long before they're lost at C
Jfreak7 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:36:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite go to line of jokes when kids are around:
What do pirates wish upon? A starrrrrrrrrrrrr
What to pirate call a long distance? farrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Where to pirates go to drink? a barrrrrrrrrrr
What do pirates drive? (by this point, the kids should say carrrrrrrrrrr) no, they drive ships...
NoodleofDeath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heh, just hit my daughter with this.
Jfreak7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It works really well for those kids that are "too" smart for your silly dad jokes. lol. Gets em every time.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:42:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To really pull this one off you gotta look misty eyed into the horizon, slap your fist against your chest, and go "Nay, his first love be the C."
dfc85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You sir, are the master of Dad jokes. A true artist.
_QuietDoll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:28:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This physically hurt. ๐
Wheatley67 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirates never fully learn the alphabet because they spend their lives at C
that__one__guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite drink?
AaarrrrrC Cola
pirisca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it :(
Matt31415 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This exact set of punchlines works just as well for the set up of "What's a pirate's favorite programming language?"
Mr_Shaggy1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aye matey
richardec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I also need an aye!
Bokb3o ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"P" cuz it looks like an "R" but it's missing a leg!
KeepInKitchen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You'd think it'd be the c, but most pirates were illiterate and as such most likely did not have favorite letters.
honestFeedback ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโd think so, but tis the C they love - slightly better punchline IMhO
tehgreyghost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this punchline as "aye but his first love be the C"
acefields23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
X: โCause thatโs where the booty is!
Hanz192001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? "Dear Comcast customer:"
ItsTheDC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Nay, 'tis a letter of marrrrrque!"
xxmickeymoorexx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a huge wheel coming out of his pants.
Bartender asks what it's for.
Pirate says "yarrr, it's drivin me nuts!"
kcshuffler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:44 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a pirate angry?
Take the p out of him.
...Brits will get it
cardboard-kansio ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 13:58:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I heard your uncle kicked the bucket?"
"No, he just turned a little pail."
crazydogdude ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:42:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never forget the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket!"
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:55:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I remember my gramps last words, too.... "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, ASSHOLE!!"
pm2112 ยท 189 points ยท Posted at 15:02:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Halfway
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:39:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated.
Narf_Poit_Wrestling ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:11:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Decent icebreaker.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:45:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuuuuucccckkkk
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:58:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too soon, man
Flegumeister ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:11:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why isn't this at the top?
[deleted] ยท 1075 points ยท Posted at 11:35:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ReCursing ยท 644 points ยท Posted at 12:34:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I've got a great knock knock joke - you start"
"Okay, knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"..."
bastardblaster ยท 164 points ยท Posted at 14:34:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock"
"Come in"
"..."
Bone_Dice_in_Aspic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:20:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like
"knock knock" "who's there? " "..." "..." shrugs musta been a ding dong ditch. damn teenagers
dorkside10411 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:30:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuck, you messed it up. Try again."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"..."
Ezbarah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:05:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever pooped your pants?
thedepster ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 13:29:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to pull this on my high school students. I could get it on the same kid three or four times in a row before he figured it out. Meanwhile, the rest of the class is dying in the background.
marlow41 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:41:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a really great post about the origin of that joke
thedepster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Not gonna do it.
Beliriel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you catch something lingering.
Hobbits_armpit ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:40:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works best after string of knock knock jokes.
cptnamr7 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:41:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to when a kid won't stop with knock knock jokes. It derails their train of thought, at least usually.
ShookNuns ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:14:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one. I'm always surprised how often it works on people, lol. The best part is the look on their face when they realize it
Rationalbacon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:15:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"KGB"
.........
pseudopsud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
KGB who?
Rationalbacon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:50:16 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
//slaps you as hard as possible//
"WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS"
Jaw1580 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:01:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My roommates got me with that once. I just stood there dumbfounded until I figured it out.
ExpatMeNow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:26:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just had the best laugh saying this to my husband. The look on his face when he realized he didnโt know what to say next!
jseego ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:07:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works amazing well on little kids.
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works amazingly well on adults.
dramboxf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:38:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have trolled my granddaughter with this at least ten times.
..we're really starting to worry about her.
epicurean56 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:00:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!
Enthusiasms ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 13:59:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually say "do you like jokes?"
"yeah"
"yeah, me too" then walk away
IAMASTOCKBROKER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of the three well joke?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:03 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
IAMASTOCKBROKER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:25:27 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well well well...
RustingtownMum88 ยท 656 points ยท Posted at 14:14:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People that live in Dubai donโt watch The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
Cinemaphreak ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 16:41:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just realized that I'm not sure if they even run The Flintstones anymore so would a kid of say around 12 (about the age to know that Dubai and Abu Dhabi exist) even get this joke?
Fun fact: The Flintstones was The Simpsons of it's day: it ran in primetime on ABC '60 to '66. It was the first to do so.
dramboxf ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:40:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I put the Jetsons and the Flintstones on my daughter's Plex server. My two granddaughters, 8 and 5 at the time, freaking LOVED both shows. In fact, when the youngest found it was Poppa that had put those shows on her TV, she ran over to me, wrapped her arms around my thighs in a hug and said, "You're the best POPPA EVER!"
Jaffacakelover ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:19:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar problem with The Bodyguard joke further up this thread. The movie's 26 years old, and not replayed on TV any more.
UpYourAli ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:07:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This took me way too long to get hahahaha I kept thinking, they're only like about an hour apart without traffic... I don't understand...
Discord42 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:23:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Abu Dhabi do = Yabba Dabba Do
ees-h ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it, help me out
tumbadrylow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:59:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Abu Dhabi do is my new catchphrase. Thank you!
feathersoft ยท 186 points ยท Posted at 14:55:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bee with a speech impediment? A mumblebee
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:00:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this
Northern_kid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's really Cute.
iismitch55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ghost say to the bees? Boo bees!
FeckItsCold ยท 422 points ยท Posted at 12:16:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does the janitor say when jumping out of the store room
Supplies!
[deleted] ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 14:57:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
inaraiseverything ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:08:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well now I want to know what the old version was
Minihood1997 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:14:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It basically involves an office manager making someone with a stereotypically Asian name head of supplies.
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:30:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
inaraiseverything ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:22:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh dear
LtLabcoat ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:19:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it actually racist if it's referencing an actual quirk in the languages?
adaram6 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:41:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe racially insensitive would be a better way to put it
LtLabcoat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:05:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not seeing how it's racially insensitive either.
adaram6 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:08:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's making fun of something that people from Asian countries, who have this accent, cant control. I dont know anybody that likes it when people make fun their speech "quirks," and this joke specifically singles out people with Chinese accents. Not to mention the fact that Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
Slovene ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:28:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are plenty of jokes about german accents and russian ones and so on. Why get so offended over a chinese accent joke? Making fun of the British and the bad teeth stereotype is even worse and no Brits are complaining.
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:06:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The deep south agrees, but everyone knows we're racist. :/
adaram6 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:31:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get why you're attacking me. I was just trying to explain why someone might see this joke as racially or culturally insensitive. All of your examples could also be considered racially or culturally insensitive.
Slovene ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:37:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry it came off like that but I wasn't trying to attack you. Just thinking outloud aboout stereotype jokes. No
homooffence.reddittttttttttt ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:19:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://giphy.com/gifs/1BRXy8cUS1jyw
nick_cage_fighter ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:10:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love UHF
BoJackB26354 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:33:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhh, red snapper... very tasty!
sizeablepain ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:04:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโll take the box!!
CrimsonFlash ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:12:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You get nothing! Absolutely nothing! You're so stupid!
DoctorAcula_42 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:43:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my gosh, it's been too long. Watching that today.
BoJackB26354 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a nice supplies.
LaxCursor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:58:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha cute
brouwjon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:01:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to start saying this at surprise parties when everybody shouts "surprise".
comradeda ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:37:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have the same one for WW2 discussions about El Alamein.
Suppliesed, Rommel? Tanks for playing.
pgabrielfreak ยท 368 points ยท Posted at 14:12:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only joke I have remembered for years...it's my favorite:
What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do late at night?
Lies awake and wonders if there is a Dog.
oooortclouuud ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:45:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dyslexics of the world untie!
Brilliant_Schism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:35 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dyslexics are teople poo!!
Asmo___deus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:19:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, this one actually made me laugh. Great joke.
P0sitive_Outlook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:32:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have some respect. You forget that dyslexics are teaple poo.
gianna_in_hell_as ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:47:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it as "what do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A man who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog."
BensTerribleFate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:05:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's went through a pretty dark phase, ended up selling his soul to Santa
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go-to joke.
Temporomandibular ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:59:36 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steven Wright?
bloodywellclueless ยท 548 points ยท Posted at 10:35:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats E.T short for? cos he has little legs.
Genar-Hofoen ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 14:16:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does E.T. stand for?
The national anthem.
MildlySuspicious ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:53:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not if he plays football!
eleanor61 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:18:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dang it
batty3108 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:13:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Noddy won't pay the ransom.
whatsnottakentoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"How many letters are in the alphabet?"
"26"
"Not anymore, just 18."
"How do you figure?"
"Well, E.T. went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him."
circle8z ยท 119 points ยท Posted at 15:11:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shout out to the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets
Stegles ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:48:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shout out to my arms, for always being by my side. And my legs for being with me every step of the way, my fingers for always being able to count on them, my eyes for helping me see the way, and most importantly, my hips that donโt lie.
894376457240 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:10:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And my hair for always being on top of things...oh, and my spine for always having my back :)
circle8z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bravo lol
morieu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:07:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shout out to everyone who doesn't know the opposite of in....
circle8z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shout out to everyone who knows both
jonesryan98 ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 15:20:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the lifeguard have to save the hippie at the beach?
Because he was too far out, man
HeavyPyro ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 15:22:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you ever hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well well well.
3ViceAndreas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:48:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hue hue hue.
tacodude64 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:44:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, those were the three colors
Ziaberri ยท 406 points ยท Posted at 14:45:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy is walking his dog in the park.
Someone comes up to him and says "Your dog looks strange."
He says "Yeah, he's interbred."
A duck waddles up and says "I'll tell you who else is into bread."
brillobox ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 16:22:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did THiS one get me
Florenceismyhomie ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:29:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely the waddling.
SankarshanaV ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:52:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably the image of a badass duck waddling hahahahaha
Hahahahaha can someone make a picture of it or something
theWild-man ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:05:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A duck walks up to a lemonade stand and he says to the man runnin' the stand
buh buh buh
Got any grapes?
Technicalhotdog ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:25:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The man said
No, we just sell lemonade
Userfork ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:36:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But it's cold, and it's fresh and it's all homemade.
Can I get you a glass?
throwing-away-party ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
???
AlaricTheBald ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:31:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everything else I'm like 'haha yeah good one'. This one I've spent the last 5 minutes crying with laughter unable to move. What is happening.
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was the Groucho Marx voice that got me
dogshenanigans ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:44:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You see, ducks love bread, but they cannot buy a loaf
EvilLegalBeagle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:12:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love it
ZzKRzZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one just gave me the perfect picture!
My_Invalid_Username ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone please explain
spicyboomboombaby ยท 169 points ยท Posted at 12:53:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mommy camel has two humps a daddy camel has one hump they have a baby and it has no humps what do they name it?
Humphrey
jdbrew ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:02:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No. Name it Sterile, because dromedary and bactrian Camels are different species, so if cross-bread, their offspring would not be fertile.
nothing_to_feel_here ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:51:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
found the camel fucker
jdbrew ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:14:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My humps, my lovely lady lumps, check it out
TheRealBrotherLouie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:58:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/bannerlordcamels ?
Tenor_High_C ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:11 on August 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whaddya call a three hump camel? Pregnant!
Mzunguman ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 14:06:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in
MongolianBeefCurtain ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:59:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy with three eyes, no arms and one leg was hitchhiking. But nobody would pick him up. Finally, a British man pulled over and offered him a ride.
The guy said, "You'll really give me a ride?"
The British man said (in a strong accent),"Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. 'Op in!"
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahahahaha
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:10:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You going far?
100percent_right_now ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 15:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't ants ever get sick?
Because they've got teeny-tiny anty-bodies.
andyomahm ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 11:32:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like blue paint?
Green paint!
Se1zurez ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:16:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Imposingscrotem ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:07:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites!
boredsittingonthebus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Assrocket33r ยท 307 points ยท Posted at 12:52:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do thieves wear leather armour?
Because it's made of hide.
ulyssessword ยท 182 points ยท Posted at 14:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, they always wear chainmail.
Because it's made of steel.
free_reddit ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:47:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But that -1 Dex (Stealth) modifier though.
[[1d20-1]] /u/rollme
-Mountain-King- ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:52:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually it gives disadvantage, which is generally even worse.
free_reddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:53:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, I think you're right. I should know this as a chainmail-clad dwarf.
Sack-of-bean ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:44:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steel is heavier than feathers
Beall619 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not on the moon
Chaser892 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:45:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... took me a minute
Headcap ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:25:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
give it back.
hadzir ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:56:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why
Scorpion56 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:50:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cus chainmail takes a lot of time
JohannesJosti ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 13:46:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A: Have you heard the joke about the jump rope?
B: Yes/no
A: Alright, weโll skip it then
cooptedmon ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 14:27:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For young children:
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
How do you make an elephant float?
Put it in a glass of root beer with a scoop of ice cream
C0ntrol_Group ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:10:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are elephants big, gray, wrinkled, and hairy?
Because if they were small, white, smooth, and hairless, they'd be aspirin.
GSXI ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:43:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the time when an elephant sits on your watch?
Time to get a new wrist.
Indy_Pendant ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 15:35:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is Forrest Gump's password?
1forrest1
No_Country_Members ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 16:42:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo I really had to put my foot down.
friscoinferno ยท 367 points ยท Posted at 12:09:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A photon is checking in for a flight to Hawaii. The attendant asks him if he has any bags to check. Photon says "Nah, I'm traveling light."
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:44:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A electron gets pulled over by a cop, cop says son, I just clocked you going the speed of light. The electron says thanks asshole, now Iโm lost.
EatBearsForBreakfast ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:40:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The barman replies "for you, no charge"
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:31:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the bartender says, "We don't serve faster than light particles here!"
So a tachyon walks into a bar...
Jarnagua ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:16:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't it ever travel to Boston? Because it was Massless.
landmanpgh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a twist on this one where he's traveling to Phoenix. This one is good too, though.
kielchaos ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 16:14:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just bought these shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
trichloroethylene ยท 333 points ยท Posted at 11:42:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third ducks.
bastardblaster ยท 107 points ยท Posted at 14:35:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A limbo dancer walks into a bar.
He loses.
_ShortGirlProblems_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, โwhy the long face?โ
procrastimom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:31:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. All of the other patrons quickly leave because they sense the inherent danger of the situation.
(I love โanti-jokesโ!)
tato_tots ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:42:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
procrastimom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:28:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More anti-jokes for you
tato_tots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:59 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you
bastardblaster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:31:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The horse has cancer.
CapnCanfield ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I always heard of this one was:
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch
I-Live-In-A-Van ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:21 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was told this joke when I was about 7 or 8. It took me about 3 hours to get it, and when I finally did, I laughed at it for the rest of the day.
Astronaut_Chicken ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 13:38:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind men skydive? Scares the shit out of the dog. (I told my very religious, kind, mild mannered father that joke and he laughed even with the word shit in there. Therefore, its deemed clean.)
dublindave112 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 15:13:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind friend of mine skydives. I asked him how does he know when to bend his knees and brace for landing. He said "When my dog's leash goes slack".
Astronaut_Chicken ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:16:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Take your upvote and get out of here, you dork.
[deleted] ยท 565 points ยท Posted at 10:51:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
OzTheMalefic ยท 411 points ยท Posted at 11:10:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one of my favourite two jokes.
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
SleeplessShitposter ยท 291 points ยท Posted at 13:58:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
idiot_speaking ยท 160 points ยท Posted at 14:14:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and really bad for your teeth?
A very fast brick.
ApricitySeed ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:50:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
relativistic brick, similar to the relativistic baseball
evieterra ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:54:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/ relevant xkcd
ApricitySeed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:04:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yup
Another_Solipsist ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:30:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to have a red bumper sticker that read, "If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast."
jesusfursona ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love it
AdamWrigley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joke of the thread
PMmeURfavePIZZA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
E00000B6FAF25838 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:43:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's referring to the Doppler effect. Basically, I'd something is moving towards you or away from you really fast (generally faster than we'd see things moving on Earth - think like, a star moving towards us or away from us), the light you see reflected off of it is affected by it's speed.
If it's moving away from you, the frequency of the light is lower, as the wavelength gets stretched out, which causes the light you see to be more red tinted than it would otherwise be. If it's moving towards you, the frequency of the light is higher, as the wavelength gets compressed, which causes the light you see to be more blue tinted than it would otherwise be.
If you're not familiar with it, this might not have been a great explanation, but an easy way to think about it is when you hear a car approaching/driving by. As it approaches, the sound gets higher pitched, then once it passes you, it gets lower pitched.
PMmeURfavePIZZA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:57 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
157 people understood and upvoted that?
E00000B6FAF25838 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:01 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I initially learned about it in my high school physics class, so it's not like it's a joke only astrophysicists would get.
tolerablycool ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:01:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
KevinMScott ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:53:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.
BridgetteBane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:43:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
actual laughter did occur. Take your upvote, sir or madam.
P0sitive_Outlook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HA!
This is one of my absolute favourites. :D It crops up now and again in these threads and always makes me laugh.
themildones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
laughing like a loon at this right now. Definitely my new favorite joke.
TheGloriousNugget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's light and blue?
Light blue.
the_screeching_toast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
comradeda ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 13:30:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't though. The pigments have distinct smells.
ToInfinityThenStop ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:44:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like paint?
Blue paint.
*fixed, just for you.
Lord_Rewex ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 12:32:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
What's two feet long and slippery?
A pair of slippers.
pajamakitten ยท 211 points ยท Posted at 11:58:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dre
aero_girl ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 13:51:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My husband will have no idea what hit him when he wakes up and I rattle these of one by one.
Edit: well we're still married so that's good :-D
progenyofeniac ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:23:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After reading a handful of these to my wife and getting rolled eyes and groans, I read your comment to her and got a huge laugh. I told her I've found my evil twin! (Although I guess we're both evil in this case, according to our spouses.)
gruntdealer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate to be that guy, but explain this to me?
progenyofeniac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:59 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure which part you don't get, but the person I replied to said she was going to read these to her husband who wouldn't enjoy them, and I was reading them to my wife who didn't enjoy them. We're both 'bad' people to our respective spouses, or evil twins.
gruntdealer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:42 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get it now after reading it again. "of" = "off" .... that mistype made me think there was a hidden joke here somewhere, yea I'm dumb. Thanks
headmonsterr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:25:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been doing this to my half asleep boyfriend and giggling like a maniac. He isn't amused.
Alguin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:18:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just say them all as fast as possible with no breaks in between. That'll learn him.
shapu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:40:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He'll probably think it was a brick.
XpertPwnage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Divorce can take a while to file. Be alert.
mrrandomguy127 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:10:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's Dr Dre to you.
bluebledthesea ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:34:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement.
xsvpollux ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:50:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
chicka chicka chicka slim shady, hotter than a set of twin babies
esteban42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:48:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the Mercedes Benz with the windows up when the temp goes up to the mid eighties.
ecodrew ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:11:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Snoop Dogg use in his laundry?
Bleee-atch
Note: This does not work written, oops
Asknicelydammit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love it!
Brickie78 ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 11:45:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
[deleted] ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 12:37:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
KVMechelen ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 13:16:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like theyve got something brown and sticky up their arse
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 13:20:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a dick
johnsbury ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:25:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First joke in this thread that actually made me lol.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:34:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
can assure you it is short and clean
BlasphemyIsJustForMe ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:04:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don-- oh.. Ohhhh... Ohhhhh. Nicely done.
Simon_Kaene ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well it was at one point anyway.
MrRonny6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So brown, sticky and runny?!
bluebledthesea ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:33:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At least they let you know right off that there was no need to waste your time becoming friends with them.
rollingfunder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:12:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck those people
IAreDrugs ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:06:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They sound overly-sensitive.
BalliMalli ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:08:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is that inappropriate, itโs a light joke. Itโs not even racist.
frank_mania ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:32:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the humor in it is derived from confusion that arises because people associate the color brown with skin tone and with dirt and feces. So there's the feelings of all the people whose skin-tone is brown to consider. It seems subtle, perhaps easily missed by those of use whose skin-tone is closer to colors we associate with snow, milk, strawberries or honey, perhaps.
ne0nnightmare ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:43:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs not offensive if itโs factually accurate. Maybe.
FPSDuddy ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 11:47:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this so much! It sounds like something a really cute kid would say
headsiwin-tailsulose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown, runny, and sticky?
Usain Bolt covered in maple syrup.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it?
pseudopsud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:01:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Usain Bolt is a sprinter (he runs), he has brown skin.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 15:28:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and blue and wanting mummy?
The six year old girl tied up in basement.
KhalilTheGleek ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh
lord_wilmore ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:46:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this joke as a series...
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
What's brown and soft and about a foot long? A slipper.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre.
Caros99 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:45:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My all time favourite joke!
mnfriesen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:08:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red brown and sticky... the same bloody stick
tys0n28 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:10:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a red horse?
Take a normal horse and paint it red.
How do you get a blue horse?
Take the red horse and paint it blue.
DanielSank ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:31:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
TheGloriousNugget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A taxi
pseudopsud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A stick (though not technically correct)
tiempo90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:48:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also, a stick covered in shit
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:21:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What smells like sticky monkey vomit? Monkey Vomit on a stick
timndime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with 'Snoop'?
Dr Dre
theGreatHeisenberg4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brownie
roadsarepoison ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's white and sticky?
A white stick
TheGloriousNugget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
jacyerickson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first time I heard this joke it was at summer camp as a kid. I can still hear that joke in the girl's voice and her laughing hysterically and then stopping mid laugh and saying "I hate you guys!" because no one else was laughing. Then we all started cracking up. She also had a laugh like spongebob.
BigGreenYamo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
tune345 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:33:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick.
SanDanders1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/antijokes
BreeCC ยท 249 points ยท Posted at 11:30:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fish swam into a concrete wall and said 'damn'.
Try2RememberPassword ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:51:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I read this I laughed because I thought "why would fish say damn lol" not because of the structure :/
zatanamag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:46:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another fish sees him and says "Dumb bass."
cyberafi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:54:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
ringman52 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:15:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A better way is to leave out concrete and ask it as a question .... Like this:
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
WildZeebra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:27:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DAM
discgolflyfe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the wall say to the fish? Dumb bass
king-of-the-sea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โOf course Iโm a dam,โ said the wall. โDumb bass.โ
Edit: fuck. Iโm not funny and three other people beat me to it.
LordMemington ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 16:03:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mom: โPete and Repeat are on a boat. Pete fell off, whoโs left?โ Me: โUh.. Repeat?โ Mom: โPete and Repeat are on a boat. Pete fell off, whoโs left?โ Me: โRepea- OH!โ
maryjanerx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:51:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom is your dad
DapperProducts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:11:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pete and repeat are on a boat. Pete's fallen off, who"s left?
"Say again?"
MrFaceButNotHerDads ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:19:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This should be at the top of the fucking page
absolutlush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:01 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had this joke in a book that I loved as a 9 year old. Next page is: 10 copycats were sitting in a boat. One jumped out, how many were left? None, they're all copycats.
Jdrawer ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 16:06:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works best on elevators:
You know what's great about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
sharpesh00ter ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 16:19:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy asking for directions... "What's the quickest way to Marysville"? "Are you driving or walking"? "Driving". "Yep, that's the quickest way".
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 13:02:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt know if it counts as clean, but it is short and always gets a laugh out of everyone I tell it to.
Where did Susie go during the explosion? Everywhere
katieg1970 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:25:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
Geminii27 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:03:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is she still here?
She's... around.
pineconeapplesauce ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:55:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds messy to me..
bushybop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A joke before the joke good job
[deleted] ยท 714 points ยท Posted at 10:44:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
DeterministDiet ยท 244 points ยท Posted at 11:15:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke, but the answer is the egg. Dinosaurs were laying eggs before chickens even existed.
Bouncingbatman ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 11:23:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So what came first. The dinosaur or the egg?
DeterministDiet ยท 154 points ยท Posted at 11:31:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna go with eggs. Aquatic life laid eggs before dinosaurs ever existed.
KittenWizard ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 11:36:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What came first, the sea or the egg?
SuccumbedToReddit ยท 127 points ยท Posted at 12:00:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sea
Pit-trout ยท 351 points ยท Posted at 12:18:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Safety. Safety always comes first.
Cpritch58 ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 13:49:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We did it, reddit!
idiBanashapan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:33:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not true. Itโs usually my girlfriend.
Surisuule ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:27:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before you get home, right after the milk gets delivered!
idiBanashapan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:34:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Touchรฉ, sir.
Sphyrwa ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 12:58:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something something seamen.
SleeplessShitposter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:01:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then what came first, the ARRRR or the sea?
TomSaylek ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:13:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What came first the sea or unda da sea?
SuccumbedToReddit ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:24:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well technically everything was unda the sea so that would make unda the sea and the sea basically the same thing
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
katieg1970 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
U?
driftsc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tis the sea matey!
DiscombobulatedAnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:53:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Without the evolutionary advantages of the hard-shelled egg, life on land would never have existed. Ego, the egg came before both the chicken and the dinosaur.
Yes, I am great fun at parties, thanks for asking.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:23:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DeterministDiet ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:29:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First chicken hatched out of an egg, so the egg still came first.... well, after the rooster, anyway.
SomethingsOnFire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:15:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
gwankovera ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:02:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
your correct that the egg came first, but your reasoning is wrong. Its because breakfast comes before lunch.
w116 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 11:47:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... but dinosaurs had feathers, big chickens.
( don't tell them I said that )
Majormlgnoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not according to the 1993 nature documentary Jurassic Park
itusedtobeagoodname ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:57:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you want to confine this to chickens and chicken eggs, the answer lies in how you define a chicken egg. Evolutionarily speaking there was a time when a creature that was not a chicken laid an egg that contained a chicken. If you define a chicken egg as an egg that contains a chicken, then the egg came first. If you define it as an egg laid by a chicken, the chicken came first.
Hilarious, right?!
Iomeces ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a coded way to ask if you're an evolutionist or creationist. If you answer "egg" you're an evolutionist. If you answer "chicken" you're a creationist.
AdamWrigley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And even if you talk about chicken eggs the egg still came first
DonaldPShimoda ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:58:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always assumed it was implied that the question was asking about the chicken egg. Because then you wonder: is a chicken egg an egg laid by a chicken, or is it an egg which hatches a chicken? If the former, then the chicken had to come first.
The truth is that evolution is not discrete, so there really isn't an answer at all, but that's not really in the spirit of the question.
Mampfificationful ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The egg has / is built from the DNA of the animal that hatches from it, so I'd argue that it's the first chicken egg if it has chicken DNA, which it does if a chicken hatches from it.
DonaldPShimoda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hadn't thought of that but that's an excellent point!
lost_cays ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:11:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But the question implies a chicken egg.
trinadin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:53:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, they did find "prehistoric ducks and beavers," so I wouldn't be surprised if they wound up existing at the same time. They pretty much just make this shit up as they go along.
AbsolutValu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:19:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is not "the answer". The question stated more explicitly would be "what came first, a chicken, or a chicken egg?" to which your answer is useless.
Corona21 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:21:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well yes a generic Egg. But what about The Chicken and the Chicken Egg.
The answer would be they evolved together at the same time.
The same would go for a T-Rex and a T-Rex egg.
Going right back to the first egg producers.
ChoccolateBar ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 11:48:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Safety is number one priority!
iamaravis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, crazy Russian hacker!
BeefBologna42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:25:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought breakfast came first.
greengrasser11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Family.
BeefBologna42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:11:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh.... but I thought you always said breakfast?! Family, then breakfast.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rooster came first
twoscoopsofpig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Safety third.
RalphIsACat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like Dwight from The Office
boristhespider2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neither. Before the chicken or the egg there was just a pair-o-ducks.
holyshithestall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kinda porn you watching fam?
syddy231 ยท 164 points ยท Posted at 15:58:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did any of those make you laugh?
Yes: Yay!
No: What? No pun in 10 did!?
dearly_decrpit ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:34:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still laughing at number 3
Geminii27 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 17:07:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...Squid have ten tentacles. Not octopuses.
AnalogueOctopus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:52:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, squids have 8 arms and 2 tentacles
Geminii27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:55:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fair point.
mogster11 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:06:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told the squid one to a random lady walking into the break room to get coffee and we got to share pained laughs at how cute it was.
CLearyMcCarthy ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 19:01:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And you both have autism. So congrats.
syddy231 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fixed! Thanks for the info :)
leastlyharmful ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 14:57:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the kidnapping?
Yeah, she slept for like 3 hours.
casualblair ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 16:14:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's clean but not necessarily acceptable:
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not coming.
MrNormalo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:16:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do witha dog with no legs? Take him for a drag.
DarthRegoria ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:26:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a monkey with bananas in his ears?
Doesnโt matter, he canโt hear you anyway.
aw0015 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this
thehotknob ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 16:15:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
lanemik ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:23:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
chadsgallbladder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:38:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite.
theinvalid ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 16:30:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife really changed when she became vegetarian.
It was like Iโd never seen herbivore.
njester025 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 16:45:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be addicted to the hokie pokie, then I turned myself around
SmokeRing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:13:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I used to be addicted to brake cleaner but I can stop anytime I want.
BlackberryMagpie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:30:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, man, no shame in that! Personally I was addicted to soap, but Iโm clean now!
ryancoffey127 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 18:19:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the number 1 leading cause of dry skin in America?
A towel.
(High fives self)
Purplethundershow ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 12:23:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the mother canonball say to the father canonball?
We are going to have a little bb.
Iamjum ยท 373 points ยท Posted at 13:14:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim.
SquidgeSquadge ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 14:45:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamnit!
Greycupcake ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:37:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also works for Jaws.
What is a Sharkโs favorite fabric?
Deeeenim, Deeeenim, DenimDenimDenim......
googahgee ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:17:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but itโs better for Mario because he actually wears denim
zando95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But he doesn't wear pants....... :(
WhatTheFoxtrout ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:21:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt- Ooooohhhhhhh. ๐ต๐ถ๐ต๐ถ๐ต๐ถ
Notossme ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:47:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm experiencing a whoosh. Can someone help me?
HeavyMetalKoda ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 14:52:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you say Denim Denim Denim all together it sounds like the underground theme from Super Mario Bros.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SuIMUoShI
StellarJustinJelly ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:06:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that comments on that video were apparently disabled because of the denim jokes...
Notossme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:12:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah!
Amyfelldownthestairs ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:51:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sing it to the tune of the underground worlds.
Notossme ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:12:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
Erkle42 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:36:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Personally I feel this is better as the pink panther
What kind of pants does the pink panther wear? (To the tune of the pink panther theme) denim, denim, denim denim denim denim deniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim
Lmao-Ze-Dong ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:22:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Pink Panther say when he sees a still insect?
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaant
What does he say when he sees a live one?
He squishes it and says
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaant
SEM580 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of wheat does the Pink panther use for pasta?
OptimusAndrew ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:00:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favourite jokes ever.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Retsalg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:40:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sad that people are not getting your Myq Kaplan reference.
seanbennick ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 15:40:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Scientists walk into a bar, the first one says, "I'll have an H20."
The second one says, "I'll have an H20 too."
The second one dies.
mogster11 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:09:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That should be a subscript 2, alas, alas.
JokerGotham_Deserves ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:56:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Markdown no support subscripts.
pseudopsud ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:53:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can superscript everything else
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:05:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
mmm, deuterium hydroxide radical... they ded
mogster11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, duly noted.
seanbennick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:50 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sadly not possible on here.
smoozagoozle ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 15:35:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs a minty milky alcoholic drink called a grasshopper. Itโs really good
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, โhey, weโve got a drink named after youโ
The grasshopper says (and you say this in a loud country accent), โay, you got a drink named Steve!?!
zef137 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 15:52:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? Hand-eyyyyyye
LAcasper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:59:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic classic classic
SirChancelot_0001 ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 13:50:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes walk into a bar.
Youโd think one of them wouldโve seen it.
InternetKidsAreMean ยท 106 points ยท Posted at 14:50:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember enjoying the jokes that Drinkin' Buddy tells in Fallout 4.
Some of my favorites:
"Relationships are a lot like algebra. You always look at your X and try to figure out Y."
"What is the best way to start a parade in South Boston? Roll a 40 down the street."
"I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a shitzu."
santaliqueur ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:46:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Boston. There is truth here.
GuydeMeka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Sure- Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog; you understand it better, but in the process you kill it.
But, whatever.
santaliqueur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:06:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I guess most jokes you have to "just get". Pretty certain it's referring to someone rolling a 40oz beer down the street and Boston drunkards running to catch it.
DerringerHK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get it :/
santaliqueur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:56:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rolling a 40oz beer bottle will get a bunch of people chasing it, yielding a parade. Assuming this is what was meant by it, of course. Judging by all the drunk idiots I've encountered (and being one of them myself at times), I'd say it's accurate!
Virus64 ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 15:18:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For years, I didn't believe I was a gay, dyslexic man. I was in Daniel.
SylvanEvergreen ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:11:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt really think this one is clean
Virus64 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:13:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's pretty tame.
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:43 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sin Daniel
Mecenary020 ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 12:51:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a (insert race) man flying an airplane?
A pilot!
twoscoopsofpig ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 14:09:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pilot, you racist!
Hates_escalators ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:32:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do all racist jokes start?
looks around
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 14:54:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
twoscoopsofpig ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:56:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You say that like they can't play other sports, you racist.
R34R34 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:49:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/woosh
OwenProGolfer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:58:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/woooosh
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:30:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
twoscoopsofpig ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:01:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/u/mrglubglub
Forkface_Jr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:39:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmfao
spork3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:24:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke didnโt click initially because I was tried inserting Cannonball Run and Indy 500.
ButtTrumpetSnape ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:17:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favourites (though I say "a pilot, you racist) especially when someone had just said a shitty racist joke.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:42:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy on the moon? An astronaut.
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:29 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You call Houston... we have a problem... /s
fetchitup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:55:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I kept reading "insect race", needless to say I was very confused haha
Sinius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy on the moon?
An astronaut.
ryllbie ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 16:14:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Minecraft?
Hitler's slightly lesser known second book about his love of knitting.
lea_firebender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:26 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kraft in German means power though.
krett ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 11:40:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The founding members of a newly formed country are sitting around a table, unable to agree on what to name it. They finally decide to just pull letters out of a Scrabble bag. The person in charge pulls 3 letters and announces "C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"
SneeKeeFahk ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 15:16:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This has been a part of your Canadian heritage.
katieg1970 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:24:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My version is โhow do you spell Canada?โ โC, eh? N, eh? D, eh?โ
nueonetwo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:49:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wanna say I first heard this on Animaniacs way back in the day.
dunaja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then they realize they can't name the country "Canada" since that's been around since 1867 and since they have a bag with Scrabble tiles in it, the year is at least 1938. /s
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:45 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Charades?
lkyle50 ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 14:29:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I invented a new word today! plagiarism!
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:10:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahahahaha
Nickbot606 ยท 163 points ยท Posted at 12:43:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think Iโm late but...
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.
How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.
morieu ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:05:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And later when he was bragging about it to his friends he said, "Hay, it's in my jeans."
IOnlyUpvoteBadPuns ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:50:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just saw a guy driving through town on his tractor shouting "the end is nigh"
It was farmer Geddon
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:31:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down a lane and turned into a field.
MrDylath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:53:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They*
Nickbot606 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bless.
im_paul_n_thats_all ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 15:38:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Courtesy of Monty Python: โMy dog has no noseโ โHow does he smell?โ โTerribleโ
LightChaos ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 15:50:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a fish with 2 eyes? A fiish.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom! OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!! (run away yelling)
mdfgcrispy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:46 on August 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer
Facetiousblue ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 10:37:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not mine, just heard it somewhere: " why did the blind man fall down a well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Or why can't Hellen Keller drive? Because she's dead.
1Os ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 13:08:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Helen Keller discover masterbation?
Lip reading
[deleted] ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 15:38:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
1Os ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 15:53:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hadn't seen the "clean joke" part of the title. Sorry.
Let's assume she washed her hands before and after.
dopeafbruh ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:35:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? She needs the other to moan
PM_YourFavorite_Poem ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:06:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff? Because she was wearing mittens.
Tedonica ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:23:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She was deaf, not mute.
AshleyJewel913 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:21:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But she talked with her hands. If she's wearing mittens, she can't sign the word for screaming.
Tedonica ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:25:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure she would just scream.
AshleyJewel913 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:26:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Issa joke. You're not supposed to get that deep into it.
Tedonica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I never really did what I was supposed to :P
minchet456 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:24:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Helen Kellerโs dog run away?
You would to if your name was Mmmrrreeewwww
mattBJM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helen Keller and her beloved cat, Mittens
PM_ME_UR_GOOD_DOGGOS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:00:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
NamelessAce ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:20:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The lips on her face aren't the only ones she has.
PM_ME_UR_GOOD_DOGGOS ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:21:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooooooohhhhh eww
iRepth ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:02:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Hellen Keller is trending towards distasteful and reminds me of one of my favorite one-liners.
"What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?"
"..."
"A pilot, you racist"
bastardblaster ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:37:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
http://helenkellersimulator.org
clamington_diggerson ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 12:15:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or โWhy was Helen Keller a bad driver?โ
...because she was a woman
Electric-Banana ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 12:30:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because heโs married.
cmd_iii ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:21:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
Ruvidman ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:46:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of Helen keller's dollhouse? Neither did she
cmd_iii ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:02:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Beethoven doing after 1827?
Decomposing.
birthday-party ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:45:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
Endless love.
mattBJM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:18:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron
MuteWhale ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:12:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know Hellen Keller had a playset in her backyard?
Neither did she.
ninjakitty117 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:21:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said this one years ago. The other person was super interested like "oh, tell me more!"
ajgrinds ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:26:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a blind kids mom punish him?
By moving the furniture
MuteWhale ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:17:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminded me of my friends little sister who got upset at their mom for not letting her go out with friends. She threw their moms prosthetic leg on the roof of their hose and then went out. 9 months later and their mom was still pissed about it.
toddthefox47 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:26:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Understandable
Elvis_Take_The_Wheel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:36:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good god! If I had done anything that cruel when I was a kid, nine months later I still wouldnโt be able to sit down. But then that was the 80s, when you were still allowed to give kids a whuppinโ.
notmynamethrowaway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was she still hopping mad?
MuteWhale ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go on.
brocalmotion ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:41:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
She answered the iron.
How did Helen Keller burn the other ear?
They called back.
OptimusPrimeval ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't Helen Keller Keller the zoo?
She couldn't see or hear any of the animals.
Chairboy ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 12:18:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?
(shrug) Elephino (gotta say it out loud).
SamJustSam14 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:55:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Elllll I pheeeno?
Elipheeno.... OH HELL IF I KNOW HOW TO ENGLISH
BlackberryMagpie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:20:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
relefant
muzishen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:58:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was in a Muppets sketch! "Hey, Seymor....Yes, Pรฉpรฉ?...what do you get..."
Gunty1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nope, still not getting this?
majestic8 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:21:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Elephino
El eph I no
Hell if I know
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awesome ๐
mikecball ยท 104 points ยท Posted at 12:42:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and bad for your teeth? A brick
OwlExtermntr922 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:15:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and hurts when it gets into your eye?
A bulldozer.
extin12 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:47:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs blue and bad for your teeth?
A really fast brick.
ehrwien ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's white and interferes with your picnic? An avalanche.
F1r3_F0x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs blue and even worse for your teeth?
A brick thatโs moving really fast
a_layton ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 13:47:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Gets me every time.
lordpenguin9 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:21:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I appreciate a good anti-joke from time to time
penpidyn82 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:53:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wifes version of this:
Why did the monkey fall out the tree? It was dead. Why did the washing machine fall out of the tree? Because it was tied to the monkey.
She laughs like a loony every time.
TricksterPriestJace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog liked your joke.
Tea_Junkie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:50:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why did the second squirrel fall out of a tree?
It was also dead.
Why did the third squirrel fall out of a tree?
It thought it was a game and wanted to join in!
RudeMorgue ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:17:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Peer pressure.
thisisrumourcontrol ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 13:50:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a drum kit.
badum tish
Cysioland ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:05:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/8eXj97stbG8
crazydogdude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, you beat me to it
Berrrrrrrrrt_the_A10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:20:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A sheep, a drum, and a rattlesnake get thrown off a cliff.
Baaa dum tsssssss
liverpoolfc4evr ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 14:12:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
DissentiousTruth ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 14:27:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call alternative medicine that works?
Medicine.
lynn ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 16:04:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why I find this so funny:
MeEvilBob ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 14:34:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get Dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rofl
wickedlittlemachines ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:50:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
[deleted] ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 14:14:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"The problem with political jokes is sometimes they get elected."
Effendoor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:08:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too real
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:58:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:43 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You might need a setup for that punchline... maybe,
The great thing about political jokes is they make politics fun. But, (then your line), the problem with political jokes is sometimes they get elected.
Maxtheloco ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 12:27:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam
DiskFelcore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to joke
takenotesboiii ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 14:03:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt you ever see elephants hiding?
Cause theyโre hiding, of course!
Canโt promise a laugh but itโs short and clean
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed ๐
obi1kenobi1 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 16:32:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
dnick ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:48:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So he did and gives the guy $10. When he asks for his change, the vendor say โTrue change comes from withinโ.
[deleted] ยท 117 points ยท Posted at 11:40:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
up his sleevies
philboswaggins ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 14:24:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually say that one with Hitler, and follow up with:
And how did Hitler tie his shoesies? In little nazis
SneeKeeFahk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:15:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And ... where did Hitler keep his armies? pan face In Poland
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 17:26:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You just ruined my favorite joke with nazism.
philboswaggins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:27:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh come on dude. Itโs a pun, not like Iโm trying to start an uprising of the aryan race.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 17:30:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not what I meant. It's a clean joke. I wasn't trying to hear Hitler's name in the telling of it, never was. Clean jokes are clean for a reason. Sometimes people don't wanna think about The Holocaust or genocide in general.
philboswaggins ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:31:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, good thing you donโt have to tell the joke that way then.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 17:33:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're in the wrong thread.
thememeboyo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:52:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ironically, you have a very german sense of humour
R2gro2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Conveniently, you are in the right thread for finding a new favorite. Go be happy.
turianlover ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:54:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:00:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saw it on a popsicle when I was 4 or so. It's still one of the cleverest jokes to me.
jakeinmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 26 and I always thought it was a pun off levies. Like you levy an army.
Boy am I wrong.
PeepsBlowUp ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:24:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Metalheads does it take to fix a broken lightbulb?
None. They just embrace the darkness.
Alittlebitlittle ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:44:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pony went to the doctor with a sore throat. The doctor looked him over and said, โYouโre fine. Youโre just a little hoarse.โ
Lutheritrux ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 19:18:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover up their butt quacks
_thats_not_me_ ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 11:13:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did I tell you that my vacuum cleaner died yesterday?
It bit the dust.
flashnolan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sucks
Dexaan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
bomp bomp bomp bomp
dorkside10411 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And another one gone
TheOneTrueChris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also -- I sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.
rtolo77 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 14:54:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says, โFive beers pleaseโ.
fermat1432 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:14:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love it!
BattleShitsVeteran ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 15:41:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This whole comment thread is dad gold.
Mercur1al1sm ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:11:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saw this on reddit, and stored it in my memory:
-โdo you want to hear a joke about ghosts?โ
-โyes/noโ (doesnโt matter what they say)
-โthatโs the spirit!โ
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:47:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar.
His alcohol dependency is tearing this family apart.
Astro_Vampire ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 13:43:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why the St. Johnโs river in Florida flows north?
Itโs because Georgia sucks.
katieg1970 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesnโt Texas fall into the ocean? Because Oklahoma sucks.
Kealion ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it so windy in South Dakota?
Because Nebraska sucks and North Dakota blows.
Wise_Writer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a Floridian, I approve of this joke.
[deleted] ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 11:33:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side bit off in a shark attack? Heโs all right now.
lord_wilmore ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 13:52:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.
Geminii27 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:01:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a guy who fell into the printing press. He was all over the front page.
Then there was the guy who fell into the lens-grinder and made a complete spectacle of himself.
PM_ME_A_COLOR ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:52:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"what's a pirate's favourite letter?"
They respond obviously "arrr?"
Now close one eye, curve an index finger like a hook, and whip out your best pirate voice
"Aye, ye'd think it be R, but our true love be the C!!"
Gets em every time.
BillieGoatsMuff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:31:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which is a pirates favourite branch of the military ?
.. aye ya think it be the arrrrrmy but it tis the navy !
freezingmybuttoff ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 18:10:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaaaaaaay!*
*must be said as sassy as you possibly can
ilikestuffliketrees ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:15:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
Sonjicak ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 18:13:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife says I have a horrible sense of direction. So, I packed up my things and right.
mrfattbill ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 14:27:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Isaytoomuch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:19:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed too hard at this one! There's something wrong with me!
i_breathe_chlorine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually follow it up with "Why couldn't Sally hold her ice cream cone? Because she got ran over by a car." It's always an interesting misdirection.
Shardblade_boss ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 11:43:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction.
Vrathal ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:27:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that male cattle who swallowed that dynamite?
The whole situation was a-bomb-in-a-bull.
toy_boat_toy_boat ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 15:17:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three old ladies - Ethel, Bethel, and Marge - are sitting on a bench in the park. All of a sudden, a man walks up in a trench coat and flashes them. Immediately, Ethel has a stroke. Then, Bethel has a stroke. But Marge was old and feeble and couldn't reach that far.
MrDylath ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:02:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was supposed to be clean jokes silly
toy_boat_toy_boat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oops!
Pathakman ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:58:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not clean but good
toy_boat_toy_boat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:10:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The streaker paid special attention to personal hygiene, though.
moviequote88 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:29:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a clean joke!
toy_boat_toy_boat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aw, shucks
wagZdog ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:21:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You ever hear the one about the one-armed fisherman? He caught a fish this big!
[proceed to hold one hand up like itโs at one end of the fish]
artemii7 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 13:13:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you say gullible slowly, it sounds like oranges.
PrinceHumperTinkTink ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:57:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? No way! OK, let me try. Or-an-ges. Oh, hey, you're right!
havestronaut ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:19:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always liked this really stupid one:
Whatโs goes โninety nine bonk?โ
A centipede with a wooden leg.
What goes โha ha bonk?โ
Someone laughing their head off.
waterlilyrm ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:41:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes "Clip clop, clip clop, BANG?
An Amish drive by shooting.
Nasateiya ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:27:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know the local library is considered the tallest building in a city? It's because it has a lot of stories.
Erkle42 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many seconds are there in a year?(let them do the math a little) No no no no, thereโs only 12: January Second, February second.... (listen to groans from person)
LWrayBay ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:32:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing, but I can't put my finger on it.
in_the_woods ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:09:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer, and a mop"
Blu3b3Rr1 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:15:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โMr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq this morning.โ
โOh my god...How many is a Brazilian?โ
BologniousMonk ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 14:50:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh lolz ๐
Ezonthemayo ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 14:50:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bicycle fall down?
It was two tired
BologniousMonk ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 14:56:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
โRobin, get in the car.โ
Hates_escalators ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:39:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get in the Batmobile."
-Ath ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 15:16:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much does a polar bear weigh?
Enough to break the ice hi I'm [name]
Fata_Chimera ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:03:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I started a new job once and this was the line a coworker used on me.
vitium ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 16:05:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who was this Rorschach guy, and why did he draw so many naked pictures of my mom?
Toofah ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 12:21:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no i. Fshhhhhhhh
Quixotic_Ignoramus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:17:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Legit one of my favorite jokes, always gets a laugh.
Vexonal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good olโ club penguin
B3nny_Th3_L3nny ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 12:29:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seaguls fly over the sea? if they flew over the bay thay would be BAYGULS (like the food)
Aw982y ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:36:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Yeah we all got it)
hjg2e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used a similar analogy to teach my friend from Minnesota how to properly pronounce โbagel.โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bahguls
ZidaneStoleMyDagger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did they pronounce it bayjel or bah-gel? I'm not sure I get it, I can't imagine one of those ridiculous Minnesota accents pronouncing this wrong...
hjg2e ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:23:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs closer to โbag-ullโ or โbehgul.โ (If youโve ever seen Community, itโs the way Britta pronounces it. Hers was a bit more exaggerated than my friend, though.)
ZidaneStoleMyDagger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohh, ok. Thanks for clarifying. I think I get it now... Despite living right next to Minnesota for my entire life, I've never actually met a Minnesotan with one of those exaggerated accents. Lol. I always wondered why TV and movies made it seem like everyone from Minnesota talks weird.
hjg2e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Minnesotan friends have pretty normal accents, but on a few key words it sticks out!
ZidaneStoleMyDagger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if it's at all typical, but one word I pronounce weird is "kindergarten". I emphasize the "kinde" part of it. My Californian friend laughs so hard when I say it. He also laughed pretty hard the first time I said "kitty-corner". Apparently they don't use that word in California.
ROCKON1973 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:10:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This only worked when the Lincoln movie was first out but . . .
Have you heard Lincoln is doing well in theaters? Historically that hasnโt been the case.
dontbromedude ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:19:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano but you canโt tuna fish.
Thatโs my go to when someone asks to tell a joke that always ends in groans.
ButtTrumpetSnape ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:39:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this as
"Whatโs the difference between a piano, tuna and a fishing rod?
"You can tune a piano but you canโt tuna fish."
"What about the fishing rod?"
"I knew that would have you hooked!"
dontbromedude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well now I have to tell it like this from now on!
vitium ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:01:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other day the life guard caught me peeing in the pool. He yelled at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
MikeTysonsGap ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:38:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the difference between 1 yard and 2 yards?
A fence.
Btd030914 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:18:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tim and John are playing golf when a funeral cortรจge passes. Tim stops playing, takes off his hat and bows his head.
โTim, thatโs very respectful of you! Itโs nice to show respect to the deadโ, says John.
โAye well, she was a good wifeโ, replies Tim.
Ginge4244 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 13:31:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A monkey walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says โyou should work in the circusโ The monkey replies โwhy? Do they need electricians?โ
DarthRegoria ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:28:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks (jumps?) into a bar.
The bartender says โWeโve got a drink named after you!โ
The grasshopper replies โYouโve got a drink named Kevin?โ
LG_Chrono ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, this one got me. It's just perfect.
Ginge4244 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice one, glad it got a good reaction :)
wcwatch ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 13:33:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
superin10dent ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:58:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
86.75% of people will believe statistics that you make up on the spot.
reddawgmcm ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:20:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
Tedonica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... I know who the tenth person was. :' (
R2gro2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You sure?
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:52 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
guess you had to be there
crazydogdude ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:51:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always a relevant XKCD
torcsandantlers ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 11:32:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, two pigs are rolling in the mud... No, wait! That's a dirty joke!
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:03:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says they like my name, I respond with, โthanks, I got it for my birthday.โ
Sonic10122 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 13:45:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A favorite from when I used to work at a grocery store, always got the old people.
Puts leek in a bag. Sir/ maโam, thereโs a leek in your bag.
slhopper ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 14:55:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf man a chicken? DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I always try to scream that line but laugh instead and my adult kids tell me to stop trying to tell jokes)
standbyyourmantis ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 17:04:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Mexican magician? He said he would disappear at the count of three. So he said "uno, dos..." And then he disappeared without a tres/trace.
ballydupp ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:23:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โAsk me what the secret of comedy isโ
โWhatโs the secret of...โ
โTIMING!โ
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:30:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.
Xenepa ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:45:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did socialists use to light their houses before they used candles?
Electricity
lIIIllIIIII ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:45:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I woke up one morning, crossed a road, walked into a bar and changed a light bulb only to realize my life was a joke.
ObviousLobster ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:08:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a register six offender.
NapoleonOldMajor ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 13:36:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what A&W stands for?
'Ambagas and Woot Beer
maryjanerx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:46:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
NapoleonOldMajor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A&W is a restaurant that sells hamburgers and root beer
maryjanerx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:47 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to say it out loud. Now I get it :)
Bigby_Rolfe ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 14:17:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
mainfingertopwise ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:21:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are his teeth so white?
Ble-ach.
oooortclouuud ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:53:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
wailer247 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:50:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did 50 cent say when he received a sweater for X-Mas? Gee you knit?
prankerjoker ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 14:37:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
nothing_to_feel_here ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:53:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
doesn't work lol, dyslexics know how to spell they just rearrange the letters they see.
Seren_Eldred326 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 13:25:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
~"sure"
... ...
My grandpa used to tell this one and follow it up with the most boisterous laugh imaginable, always made us smile growing up.
Edit:formatting
mbw1960 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:47:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was a fundamental one in my family too!
Tedonica ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's a similar one:
...
Seren_Eldred326 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha
jackduloz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You want to hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in the mud.
You want to hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles.
You want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.
leewoodlegend ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:51:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend once bought a mini Bic lighter at a gas station. I asked him "what color is that, sky blue?" and he said "No, it's a little lighter."
joshconan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:21:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out man...
MissHillary ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:19:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do teenage girls always travel in groups of odd numbers?
Because they canโt even
Sassanach36 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:29:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I asked my tween Grand Daughter to hand me a news paper . She rolled her eyes and said โGran, no one uses news papers any more. Use my lap top.โ I tell you that fly never knew what hit him!โ
lord_wilmore ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:51:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty smart overall, but remembering details about Greek mythology is my Achilles' elbow.
pmalleable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:52 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clever.
_thats_not_me_ ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 11:18:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Teh_Doctah ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 11:30:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoโs there?
_thats_not_me_ ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 11:31:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Control Freak.
Okay, now you reply "Control Freak, who?"
Teh_Doctah ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 11:32:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Control freak who?
_thats_not_me_ ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 11:44:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NO.
YOU REPLY, "Control Freak, who?"
Teh_Doctah ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 11:45:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โControl Freak who?โ
_thats_not_me_ ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 11:52:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OH MY GOD, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND COMMAS? LET ME JUST DO THE WHOLE JOKE MYSELF.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak."
"Control Freak, who?"
"Control Freak is a derogatory term for people that know what they want and UNDERSTAND HOW COMMAS WORK, "/U/TEH_DOCTAH"
Teh_Doctah ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 11:53:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs u/Teh_Doctah
jiibbs ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:26:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ohhhhh, what a twist!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:26:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
kind o crazy how u just showed up lol
bastardblaster ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:39:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in
rienik ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:39:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for having a moment to talk about our lord and savior Jesus.
OmarGuard ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 11:05:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How Long is a Chinese name
Tea_Junkie ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:42:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my dad used to say 'how high is a chinaman?' followed by, 'and so low is his brother!' love my dad. :D
iagox86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:42:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...and who is his sister.
amusudan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:45:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoe lang is een Chinees
ervus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
En Wie is zijn zus
Drugsrhugs ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:44:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vewy Wong, wan sywabwe
TUNAtf2 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:44:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... you can hide but you cant run!
skirk67 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To the person who stole my anti-depressant medication. I hope you are happy now!
holla_getdolla_hite ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:35:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some guy just assaulted me with milk, yogurt, and ice cream. I was so offended. how dairy.
glorified_plumber ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:26:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate the soup before it was cool.
Creatively-Inept ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:48:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three kinds of people in the world... Those who can count, and those who canโt.
E3K ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:53:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
Q: What did Spock see when he went in the bathroom of the Starship Enterprise?
A: Captains log.
sum1uvebeendreaminof ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:03:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the furriest side of the cat?
the outside
BonoIsMyDad ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:24:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've read all these jokes in Jersey accent
mekadragon ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:47:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know you can't have beef stew as your password?
It's not stroganoff
pandy_fak ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:06:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bacon and eggs walk in to a bar and the bartender looks up and says "We don't serve breakfast here!"
JamesBigglesworth ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:05:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My doctor told me to eat more Wendy's.
Well, he specifically said to eat less McDonald's, but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant.
kayjay1973 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 11:25:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was talking to a friend and they said, "what rhymes with orange?"
I said, no it doesn't...
ladyterrapin423 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 13:50:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
theinvalid ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:29:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate it when people ask how I see myself in two years time.
Itโs not as if I have 2020 vision.
herdo1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:33:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
need to get some mileage out of that one, its out of date soon
theinvalid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A minor amendment and itโs good for at least another year...
Booshur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:03:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2021 vision? Doesn't work my friend.
theinvalid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heh. Amending the set-up, not the punchline... Unless that was your joke.
Booshur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:10:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something something old switcheroo
theinvalid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now, that did make me laugh. NEXT!
makenzie71 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:26:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar. They have a great time because they are all very close friends.
PopePoopinpants ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:37:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WHATAAAAHH!
DDStar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:44:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What hotel does Bruce Lee stay at?
The HYATT!
kenrsmith1980 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LMAO!
MrMojoeRisin2412 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:36:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a French person who wears sandals? Phillipe phillop.
jmchamber ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:00:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies
danvillain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:54 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Came here looking for this
DarthFuckShit ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:18:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bartender says โwe donโt serve time travelers here!โ A time traveler walks into a bar.
there_no_more_names ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:33:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's very time consuming.
POGO_hiker ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:41:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Learned this one from a friend.
Q: What did the custodian yell when he jumped out of the closet?
A: Supplies!
randomqhacker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was your friend Wierd Al?
tenaciousDaniel ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:42:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought shoes from my drug dealer. I donโt know what they were laced with but I was trippin.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:16:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Phreakhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:37 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty neat!
ukulele_villain ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:08:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A snake is riding a folding scooter through the woods and runs into a bear. Bear: Hi snake! How are you riding a scooter if you don't have legs? Snake looks down, says "Aaaaaaahhhh" and falls.
This one sounds so much better in my language tho :/
JaCraig ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:21:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man calls 911 after hitting someone with his car.
Man: I just hit someone with my car and think I killed him.
911 operator: Can you get out of your car and make sure?
Man: Ok. Getting out now.
gun shot heard by operator
Man: Now what?
hcs010 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:27:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the mafia not like Jehovahs Witnesses?
The mafia doesnโt like ANY witnesses
I love this joke because people prepare themselves to be offended until they hear the punchline. Great for distracting patients during blood draws :]
ultravai3 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 12:35:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a crabby German? Sauerkraut
wpurple ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:11:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Chang: Why is my retirement fund down so much? Mr. Smith: It's the market - fluctuation. Mr. Chang: Well fluck you white people, too.
BobcatBarry ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 13:47:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?
Chewing gum.
LogicalWon ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:44:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the gay termite?
He only ate mailboxes...
acobildo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:19:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?
Little Caesars
Rofl47 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:14:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The invisible man goes to see the doctor. He asks the nurse to bring the doctor in. The nurse says to the doctor โthe invisible man is here doctorโ. The doctor tells the nurse โtell him I canโt see him right nowโ.
mischievous44 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:15:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
ourmanflint1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:22:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend accused me of becoming pretentious. I said "Pretentious? Moi?"
Cornokz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:33:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I've said fuck it, packed up my shit and right
Internecine183 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:04:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the life guard save the hippie? He was too far out, man!
Left4Adam ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:09:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex wife still misses me. But her aim is getting better!
gargamelt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:03:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.
Casteway ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:24:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." ~ Mitch Hedberg
Infadels ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:06:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. As I left, I told them...
โIโll be returningโ
sup4sonik ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:43:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
two dyslexic men walk into a bra
X1_Carbon ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 12:12:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dogs are forever in the push-up position
Hates_escalators ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An escalator can never break, it can only ever become stairs.
maryjanerx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Mitch!
Hates_escalators ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:21 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not Mitch, because he's dead, but hello!
laNynx ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 12:23:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy with two left foots walks into a beach store to buy shoes. What does he buy?
A pair of flip flips.
Eating_Rapidly ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:24:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Foots.
Rollie3136 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:13:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dictionary
dorian_gray645 ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 10:57:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
[deleted] ยท 125 points ยท Posted at 12:29:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ncnotebook ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 13:26:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Charlie Brown and rhymes with Snoopy?
woodyaftertaste ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this joke, but I knew something smelled off...
davelog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:34:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Woo, check out Mr. Proper Diet over here
pajamakitten ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 11:59:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If your shit is black then you really need a doctor.
IAreDrugs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:10:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless you ate way too many Oreos.
LukesFather ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:43:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I shit you not, this actually happened. One day the only thing I ate was a packet of Oreos and drank half a gallon of milk. Peter that evening I felt the urge to poop so used the bathroom. I was in there for a while pushing but only ever farted. Eventually I gave up on pooping and stood up to flush. When I turned around though, the whole toilette bowl was covered in a fine black Oreo powder. I didnโt know you could fart powder.
Tea_Junkie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:38:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
iron tablets will give you black shit.
Llohr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:13 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As will an upper GI bleed.
TheBishopOfSoho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:22:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ten pints of Guinness will do that.
bluebledthesea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:36:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or a swig of Pepto.
BellaMentalNecrotica ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:21:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you shit black, that's called melena and you need to see a doctor asap because you have a GI bleed.
mbstone ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:14:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
He uses little knotsies.
SierpinskysTriangle ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:15:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do the French eat only one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is an oeuf.
Luzaan29 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:19:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm addicted to brake fluid... I can stop any time I want.
Duvetmole ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:54:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Cheese say when it looks in a mirror? Halloumi!!
beautifulsunshine87 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:37:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the farmer who won the award? He was out standing in his field.
Chimera22 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:45:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two tall guys walk into a bar the third one ducks.
StrappinYoungBuck ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:22:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be a chicken sedan!
singing-mud-nerd ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:36:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Nazi say when he walked into a bakery?
How much does a challah cost?
HereForTheMemes1344 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:46:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's squidwards favorite rapper?
Fuuuuuuttttttuuuuuuurrrrrreeeeeee
Jrwrichwood ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:52:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?....get off me homes
cheeselovehappiness ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:59:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much does a hipster weigh?
An Instagram.
ohgodspidersno ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:10:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy asked, "Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?"
He replied, "No. Son, have you seen my dad glasses?
the7aco ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:12:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.
GokuSS4 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:16:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two wrongs don't make a right, but do you know what two rights make?
An airplane
dre_v ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:23:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about deaf people
Oh_hi_doggi3 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:24:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers to the bartender before saying, "I'll have five beers please."
harmonie187 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:30:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My cow just had a baby. Now sheโs decaffeinated.
TheButt-Play ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:44:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they'd be called bagels!
evin_cashman ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:31:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...."
appleciders ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:46:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So it's take your kid to work day, and a musician takes his daughter to work with him. She helps him set up the drum kit, and she learns a couple chords on a guitar, and she even gets to sing backup on a song. At the end of the day, she says "Daddy, Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a musician."
And he replies, "Oh, sweetie, you can't do both."
Kealion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:04:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna get buried, but...
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!
bitwaba ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:15:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
HHHAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Why did the hippie drown?
Cause he was too far out, man.
(You've really gotta kick the stoner accent on, but this one kills. Maybe it's the people I hang out with though.)
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:37:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
unfoldinglamb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:31:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess who? Who? Chicken poo! Guess why? Why? Chicken pot pie
old97ss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess why, chicken thigh, guess where, chicken underwear.
PointsGeneratingZone ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:10:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's pink and slippery?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
PINK SLIPPERS!
ecodrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.
Banjo-Dog ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:49:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
cooptedmon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:20:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was waiting for this one! Alternate answers-even though newspaper is the best: An embarrassed skunk A sunburned zebra
Thrillhouse74 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:43:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Penguin in a blender...
ncnotebook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:35:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Police apprehending a suspect.
dubious_alliance ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is black white black white black white black white black white and red all over?
A nun falling off a cliff.
davelog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and white and red and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a harpoon in her neck
prankerjoker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Either a newspaper or a suntanned zebra." - Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce.
im_from_9gag ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A murdered interracial couple.
micknartin ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:18:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
Look for the fresh prince.
dlo_2503 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:49:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The1987Child ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:54:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between America and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture.
isthisthongon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:15:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the key to a good joke - the timing.
Minimum_balance ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:43:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Snoop Dog's favorite kind of weather?
Drizzle.
OnlyDano ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:16:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why so scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
TheGustaverse ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:22:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall down the well? Because he couldnโt see that well.
MrNobodyX3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always liked;
What word starts with F and ends with CK? ... Firetruck
mdfgcrispy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:40 on August 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ends in UCK
Gangidborb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:36:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?
An excavator.
What is white and disturbes your meal?
An avalanche.
What is a small green triangle?
A small green triangle.
What is a small black triangle?
The shadow of the small green triangle.
Mattheconfused ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:41:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a midget fortune teller who escapes from prison?
A small medium at large.
Thedpg80 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:45:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt Seagulls fly over the bay? Because than they would be called Bagels...
melchristopher ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:52:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
Slangdawg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:06:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And ice cream man was found dead in his van covered in sprinkles..... Police say he topped himself
SchalkLBI ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:07:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A ship is sinking near the coast of Germany and contact the coast guard.
"Mayday! We are sinking!"
A little while later they get a response over the radio: "Hallo, zis is the German coast guard. Vat are you sinking about?"
SerPounce218 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:10:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tell them you have a knock knock joke, but they need to start.
Them: knock knock
You: Who's there
Them: Dumb silence
Phreakhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:24 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dumb silence who?
hemmicw9 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:11:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about white boards?
They are remarkable.
StandardIssueCaveman ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:11:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:15:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it:
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
TryItBruh ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:16:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says "Woah, how'd you do that?"
Asmo___deus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog used to chase people on a bike. People complained so I took his bike away.
n_nwkyle ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:25:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what I heard?
Sheep.
sorrygonephishing ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:27:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that isnโt yours? Nacho cheese. (A good one for your kids to tell adults)
Storae22 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:27:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.
GingerxHawk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:28:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the fastest liquid on the planet?
Milk! Because itโs pasteurized before you can even see it.
Leon_Rex ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:33:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
phlux ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:40:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Watching you step out of the shower.
CementBoard ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:43:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In a "piratey" accent:
Person A: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
B: Arrr
A: Ye think it's arrr but it's the C
DCJones182 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:44:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?........
One, but the lightbulb must want to change!
onlysane1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:46:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Swedish navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So they can Scandinavian.
cthulhu-kitty ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:49:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bride cry at her wedding?
Because she didnโt marry the best man!
igbayotumscray ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:49:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend.
He wiped.
TheGloriousNugget ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:54:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'
AlexandrianVagabond ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:56:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
onearmgod ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:58:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did the butcher introduce his daughter?
Meet Patty.
FynnCobb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:04:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Beethovenโs favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-nahh
Disastrous_Luck ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:08:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would you call a fruit that has relationship issues?
Canโt Elope
Lieutenant_Damn ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:15:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Soviets light their house with before they used candles?
Electricity.
Shivsterr ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:38:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a poor man on a unicycle and a man in a suit on a bicycle?
Attire
xenoblade12335 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:10:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only joke I know.
"I went to buy camouflage trousers. Couldn't find any".
ilikestuffliketrees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
AleciaKlann ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:57:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If i punch myself and it hurts, dose it mean i'm too weak or too strong.
JonnyGoodfellow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:04:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's under a bear's underwear?
A bear/bare bum!
My niece told me this joke when she was 4 or so and holy fuck, I laughed so hard. It was so cute.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:38:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
Jordizzle94 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:47:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog that knows magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador
Mortimer452 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:04:00 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
PM_me_your_adore ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:31:58 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-- wanna hear a knock knock joke?
-sure.
-- two guys walk into a bar.
.
.
.
-- the third one ducks.
cleptilectic ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:06:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said having a four inch penis is okay.
Still, I wish she didn't have one.
chronicideas ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:00:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican whoโs lost his car?
Carlos.
payno14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:10:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, no itโs Juaquin.
VeryAngryBubbles ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:22:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What says "hey, I'm a frog?" A talking frog.
commences to lose shit
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:09:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐๐
KevyD13 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:29:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the painter who froze to death?
He needed a second coat
camwk ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:08:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was calling a girl and she said come over nobodyโs one home.
I went over nobody was home.
capix1 ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 12:30:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a pedophile, and a conman walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
untouchable_0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always heard this as a priest, a pedophile, and a racist.
Claud6568 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:50:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No idea why youโre getting downvotes. This is great.
Citizen_Ken ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:51:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think because it's not a clean joke technically
Claud6568 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yea probably.
CatsLikeSleep ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:09:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
theonetruemoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath
CatsLikeSleep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and fluffy? Pink fluff choking
theonetruemoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and fluffy? Lint
CatsLikeSleep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Telling those jokes in unison always gets a laugh with an eye roll. Plus, they can never win as there are so many variants
DonavenJaxx ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:20:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The French are so hardcore they eat PAIN for breakfast
armadilloradio ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:49:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many servers does it take to change a lightbulb? That's not my fucking sidework.
wursmyburrito ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:28:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel on his dick and the bartender says "hey what's with the wheel on your dick?" Pirate says, "arrr it's been driving me nuts all day"
bagzilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:30:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is that a clean joke?
wursmyburrito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pussy
bagzilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thats not a clean joke either
shrikedoa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:04:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
jmedeebs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:32:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Ag0r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:51:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Ariel wear sea shells? Because she's to small for D shells.
AngelsFruits ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:08:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well
LegitLogia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:19:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do thieves wear metal armour? Because it's literally made of steel.
Why do rogues wear leather armour? Because it's literally made of hide.
Why do wizard wear plaster armour? Because it's literally made of cast.
onelanguagepolygot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:31:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the banker quit his job? He lost interest
BoneVoyager ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:03:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the sidewalk? Itโs all over town.
ebState ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:27:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I stared at the ball for a second trying figure out why it was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
jursla ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:33:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hippo is faster then man on both land and water, so the only chance to beat it in triathlon is bicycle.
tsuggitt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:34:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an Itheberg.
Quadaliacha ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:39:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, โGimme a beer and a mopโ
GladShirt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:40:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Ones pretty heavy, and the otherโs a little lighter.
GrumpySteen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:45:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't Ewoks pee in the woods?
Because they have Endor plumbing.
TronCrusher ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:46:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
Fadreusor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:05:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bee makes milk?
A booby!
Edit: got that off of a bomb pop popsicle stick about 20 years ago๐
Edit: Whatโs the difference between Hitler and a jockstrap?
Oneโs a dictator and the otherโs a dick toter!
(I cannot remember where I heard this one, but itโs not mine.)
hairidan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:08:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of the guy that lost his left arm and left leg? Don't worry, he's all right now.
Drunken_1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:12:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes are in opposite sides of a river, one blond yells "how do you get to the other side?" The other yells "you already are!"
Spaceman-Mars ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy at a wedding asks the grieving widow if he can say a word. He gets up and says "plethora".
The widow says, "thanks, that means a lot"
evaxuate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
because if they fell forwards, theyโd still be in the boat
Zurgzurg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that just escaped from the jailhouse?
He was a small medium at large
tripelt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:16:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into a bar and sits down and says to the bartender, โIโll have a Jack...............and Coke.โ The bartender says, โWhatโs with the pause?โ The bear (holds up his paws) says, โWhat, these? Iโve had these my whole life.โ
awsforbeginners ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:16:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
radthibbadayox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:17:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a crab with large breasts and a messy Greyhound terminal?
One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
lfantine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:23:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?
All over the place!
wingman0401 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Women call me ugly until they see my bank account balance.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
MoogieCowser ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:32:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two antennas got married... The wedding was shit, but the reception was great!
1_800_cry_baby ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:41:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a woman walks into a bar asking for a double entendre.
so the bartender gives it to her
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:47:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you will about deaf people
u172p ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:49:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Byizo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:58:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
krunkalunka ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:58:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs really loud and sounds like hippopotamus? ...HIPPOPOTAMUS!
I like telling this joke in public places.
hand_on_the_gun ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:07:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
luffydkenshin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:10:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk in to a bar.
The third one ducks.
ilikestuffliketrees ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:14:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
Balbright ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:20:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm in the Jehovahโs Witness Protection program. I have to go door to door telling everybody Iโm somebody else.
Sport07 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:24:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Roman walks into a bar He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please"
KarinaTah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:25:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?
Because then they would be called bagels.
My fav go to!
Palapaaaa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:44:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
harmsypoo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:44:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "Say, what's with the wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies...
"Arrrrg, it's driving me nuts!"
iGotZapdos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:46:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that kidnapping??
He woke up.
chelsealrp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:47:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
majime100 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:48:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
calm-watermelon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:18:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What brown and sticky?
A stick!
Cynicayke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:23:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it.
And...
I'll always remember the last thing my father said before he kicked the bucket. He said "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
thejillofalltrades ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha I've never heard the 'kick the bucket' one. Funny! :) :)
Predador_De_Perereca ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:31:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I only like jokes that are heavy and dirty: the elephant fell on the mud.
aeiftw ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:49:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is harry potter favorite way of getting downhill? Walking...j.k.rolling
aprlrobertaludgte ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:07:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My old boss used this one on me:
Two peanuts were walking down the street...one was a salted.
ozzenfeffer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:08:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it that you can roast beef, but you can't pea soup?
swifninja93 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:08:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this one on Reddit: Why arenโt koalas actual bears? They donโt meet the koalafications.
Apexap ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:09:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if Iโm a tree
olicvb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a tree?
Apexap ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No
drfishflan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:18:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One man said to the other "have you heard they've got a new word for quilt?" ... Other man replies "do vey!?"
appgrad22 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:25:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/shortcleanfunny
aintsuperstitious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:32:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once took a class on telling jokes but I didn't get past the section on setting up the joke. I mean the teacher was so old.
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:39:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why but the first one that always comes to mind is,
What's a horses favourite sport?
Stable tennis!
No one laughs though
Vocal_majority ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:37 on August 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed.
YeetusMcfetus420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:31:48 on August 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:)
Master-S ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:40:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife thinks I'm nosey. ๐
๐ค
At least that's what she's been writing in her diary.
TwitchTacopassion ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:44:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
itsonlyme_tig ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:04:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
you-create-energy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:32:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the game, but I'm posting it anyway because it still makes me giggle. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles
Apathetic_Superhero ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:16:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punch line is:
Tentickles.
At least get it right
you-create-energy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:00:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you misspelled tentacles.
hyacinthstorm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:35:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
emusteve2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:38:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, did you guys know that thereโs someone in this thread that sounds like an owl?
Vocal_majority ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:34:24 on August 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heh.
BillieGoatsMuff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to use big words when I make comments on the internet. It makes me feel photosynthesis.
schtinkypiggy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:31:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best cheese to tempt a bear out of the woods?
Camembert.
angelontheside ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:01 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget the t is silent guys
Vocal_majority ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:29 on August 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been trawling this post for days looking for amazing jokes. This one is absolutely spectacular. Thank you.
TankArtist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:56:46 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are jokes about Amazon so funny?
Because itโs all about the delivery
GuidoZ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:14 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
L0rd91 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 11:42:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
DrFistington ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 13:54:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between me and cancer? My father didn't beat cancer.
EvilChing ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:57:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Emma fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms...
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Emma...
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:03:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
feorlike ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:29:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
jabide ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:03:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates least favorite thing?
A small chest with no booty
lone_crumpet ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:46:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi.
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones......
But the people in Abu-Dhabi-Doooooo
saaatchmo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:55:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unique up on him.
The Tame way
Command_F ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go-to. Almost nobody likes it, and I'm okay with that.
futureFailiure ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:19:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Itโs a terrible pun. I apologize in advance.) Whatโs the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.
grizzburger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:10:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
makimaki77 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:34:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
here is a true story. not that long.
In 1997, in the spanish cost of Galicia, The USS LINCOLN and the Spaniard crews had this conversation and it was recorded on channel 106 of Nautical Emergency Frequency:
Spanish crew: This is A-853, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid colission, you're heading directly to us.
USS Lincoln: No, we recommend you to turn 15 degrees north to avoid colission.
Spanish crew: Negative. That's impossible, you turn 15 degrees south, you're 25 nautical miles from impact.
USS Lincoln: This is Captain Richard James Howard, commander of the USS Lincoln of the Marine of the United States of America. We are escorted by two clippers and 5 destructors. We're heading towars the Persian Gulf to participate on strategic military operations in Iraq. As a high ranked commander of a NATO allied country I COMMAND you to turn your vessel 15 degrees north, if not, we'll be forced to take whatever measures necessary to continue with our mission.
Spanish crew: My name is Juan Manuel Salas Alcรกntara, we're two persons here, we're not escorted by no one and the only stuff we have here is our food, some beers, and one dog. We have the support of Cadena Dial de La Coruรฑa and channel 106 of nautical emergency frequency. We're heading nowhere, this is the lighthouse A-853 Finisterra in the shore of Galicia.
We have no fucking clue about your rank and you can take whatever measures you want to accomplish your mission and guarrantee the security of your fucking vessel, which is about to be a major piece of crap in no time unless you turn 15 degrees south NOW to avoid colission.
USS Lincoln: We copy that. Rodger.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Almost didnโt read through this and Iโm glad I did ๐ Fucking hilarious haha
FawkesGuy96 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:17:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The dyslexic, atheist with insomnia stays awake every night wondering if there really is a dog.
Wheatley67 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:20:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*agnostic
I_am_the_senate6678 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 10:35:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise?
ThePrequelMemesBot ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 10:35:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend.
NottmForest ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:07:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the force to influence midichlorians to create lifeโฆ
Megtalallak ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 11:30:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He had such a knowledge of the dark side, he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:33:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
madog20x ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it possible to learn this power?
ThePrequelMemesBot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not from a Jedi
trichloroethylene ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:42:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a giraffe's neck so long?
Because it's head is so far from it's body.
Obscure_Teacher ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:02:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Snoop Dog bring an umbrella with him?
For the drizzle.
GrannysWizardSleeve ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:12:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre.
Kaynadian1 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:48:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's purple, has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team. I lied about it being purple.
lordpenguin9 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:16:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could be the Colorado Rockies. I think their team is purple
collegeboardblows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it's a little league and he beats them when they lose.
Jfonzy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:36:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walk into a dark alley, one was assaulted.
KillerUndies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:11:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said....
fermat1432 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:44:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door?
.
.
.
When it's ajar.
ARC_27_5555- ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:08:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar....
Ouch
somefivemonkeys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:23:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in a bathtub? Bob.
What do you call a girl with one leg? Ilene.
C0ntrol_Group ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:09:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you a call a guy with no arms and legs on a piece of paper? Mark.
...lying in front of a door? Matt.
...under a steamroller? Lane.
...in a bank? Buck.
...in a hole? Phil.
...in a foil bag? Chip.
...caught by cannibals? Stu.
BettyRockets ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...in a pile of leaves? Russel
Claud6568 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:47:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Kurt and Rod
GIJobra ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:55:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are all absolutely horrible.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:08:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They are all fucking hilarious ๐๐๐
escrimadragon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:05:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman walked out of a bar.
Psorosis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:58:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why have elephants got big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Kaelaface ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:07:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Polar bear goes into a bar. Bartender says, what can I getcha? Polar bear saysโIโll have..........................................a glass of milk.โ The bartender says, โWhatโs with the pause?โ The polar bear says, โThese? ๐พ Iโve had โem my whole life.โ
Penguin_Rapist_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:13:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no shin?
Tony.
nicktod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm addicted to brake fluid... but I can stop any time.
Amyfelldownthestairs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:50:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a sea monster's favorite food?
Fish and ships!
kiwi_orange ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Brown and sticky? A stick.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
brandnamenerd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:01:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโll always remember my grandfathers last words before he kicked the bucket - โHey, watch me kick this bucket!โ
ajgrinds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:10:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Cuz she had no arms
Why didn't she get back up?
Cuz she had no legs
Knock knock
Who's there
Not Sally
RedditSkippy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:11:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt you run in a campground?
You can only ran because itโs past tents.
Nach0Man_RandySavage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:19:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who had the whole left side of his body amputated? He's all right now.
SonOfThunderBunny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis B.
Where is the most dangerous place to swim? The Hepatitis C
Tminusfour20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles
Phreakhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:27 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Squid. Octopus only has eight-tickles
Letmepoopinhere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:24:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
Sovietbutterfly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't that bad but the reception was excellent!
TehOuchies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:26:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is addicted to brake fluid, he said he can stop any time.
adviceKiwi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend drew her eyebrows on too high, she looked surprised. - Jimmy Carr
Mido1355 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:30:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
- Whatย isย theย longestย wordย inย theย Englishย language? โฏ-ย ยซSmilesยป.ย Becauseย thereย isย aย mileย betweenย itsย firstย andย lastย letters!ย
Buobt_3235 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:30:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are stadiums always so cool . Because of all the fans !
ouijahead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:35 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this earlier today and now im revisiting the thread. Earlier i just saw in my mind a stadium with huge fans. I was like " okay... (nods)... I get it. "
chadywacker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:33:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a ninja drink when he is thirty?
Wataaaah
Phreakhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:34 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about when he's forty?
KetchupKing365 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
milkyxj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:38:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When geese fly in a V one side is longer than the other, do you know why?
There are more geese on that side.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
If they fell forward they would still be in the boat.
Kjack22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:38:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Went to the doctor, he gave me 6 months to live.
I couldn't pay my bill, so he gave me another 6 months...
glumunicorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender โIโd like a......................beerโ
Bartender asks โWhy the big pause?โ
Bear replies โBecause Iโm a bearโ
WutsInTheWonderBall ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:46:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does the mouse say to the cheese?
Meet me in the trap, itโs going down.
Arcaedion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheburg.
crittermd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:50:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two tv antennas got married... the wedding was only ok but the reception was excellent
iheartpedestrians ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesnโt work so well in text but...
Why canโt you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
.
.
. .
.
The p(ee) is silent.
And not a clean joke cuz ya know, urine.
TAFKAMB1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:01:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.
LoopOfTheLoop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:04:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a butcher's and says "I'll have a steak and kidlely pie, please."
The butcher responds "Do you mean a steak and kidney pie?"
The man says "That's what I said, diddle I?"
Honestly this one doesn't get many laughs, but it makes me chuckle.
KoodooWarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haven't heard that in years. My mum used to tell it. Made me giggle every time.
metalxhead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey have you heard the one about sodium? NA
ButtTrumpetSnape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about potassium? K.
I'd tell you a science joke but all the good ones argon.
Linumite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback
MrFuxIt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear an airplane joke? Never mind, it'd just go over your head.
Sephrick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a toothless grizzly?
A gummy bear.
ourmanflint1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:13:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A harried man runs up to his friend: "I think I just ran over your cat!" The man says "what did he look like?" The harried man throws his hands in a protective move over his face and screams.
1stdayof ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen a elephant hiding in a tree?
"No."
That's because they are really good at it.
somethinginsideme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
TheBearPieceCometh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:15:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a sea monsters favorite snack?
Ships and dip!
eth_mouth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:15:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Falling......JK Rolling
placebo92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:16:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix a Elephant and a Rhino?
Elephino.
yellitout ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
One of my favs (originally seen on Reddit).
csdanielz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a wandering nun?
A Roman Catholic
bpaps ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other: is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
The other muffin says: HOLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!
BlueCenter77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Requiascat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:20:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
thegoddesskali ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's cheese that isnt your cheese.... Nacho Cheese.
At least I giggle every time :)
ourmanflint1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
purpleRN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey! Didja know there's a cocktail named after you?"
Grasshopper replies, "You got a drink called Steve?!"
Wu_Oyster_Cult ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman is at the dentist and he says, "Well, I think that tooth's gotta come out." And she says, "Ooh, I'd rather have a baby." He says, "Make up your mind, I gotta adjust the chair."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo.
One is really heavy the other is a little lighter
legolas1137 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to do the hokey poky but I turned myself around
TheTripleSevens ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dwarf fortune teller that kills his customer? A small medium at large.
jackismafriend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:27:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.
Bunny_Feet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ear of corn say when all of his clothes fell off ? "Aw, shucks!"
(heard on Bo Burnham album)
jesuss_son ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Women's rights
VadersLunchBox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knocl, knock
Who's there?
Someone who cant reach the doorbell.
nhg92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once went to a zoo where the only animal they had was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Galpin9106 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe you idiot!
kurt_trout13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
he wanted to get a long little doggie.
facingthewinter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:41:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
31moreyears ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and smells like black paint?
Red paint
RougeWinter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Wanna hear a pun about a ghost?
Then: yes/no
Me: thatโs the spirit!
Regardless if they want to hear the pun they will receive it!!!
Sykoshiro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Its shitty, but I always got a laugh out of it for some strange reason...
DrCandycane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I drop the tank at his feet and I say, โboom, you looking for this?โ
KeeWee19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't orphans play baseball?
.....they don't know where home is!
umbly-bumbly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL the paths to short, clean jokes are puns and self-reference.
fknr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
esc27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:48:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots.
bort-thrillho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:48:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
guy goes into a petshop and says to the owner
"I want to buy a wasp"
the petshop owner says
"we dont sell wasps"
the customer replies
"but... theres one in the window"
evilbeandog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:48:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call five hundred Indians without any nipples?
The Indian-nippless 500.
0NEIRO ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A burger walks into a bar and the bartender goes "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
denek96 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar
The barman asks "why the long face?"
The horse incapable of understanding the human language promptly shits and leaves.
brass_octopus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan
ElMenduko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A tall man walks into a bar
shibbydooby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:53:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, what time is it?"
"Time for you to get a watch."
I'm 27, use this on a regular basis and it's still so stupid that it gets laughs.
franklinsteinnn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:53:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, the other is a little lighter.
squarefan80 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:54:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why does a scuba diver fall out of the boat backwards?
โCause if he fell forwards theyโd still be in the boat!
blowinmoneyfast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:54:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My proctologist thinks Iโm so ugly he put his hand in my mouth - Rodney dangerfield
Shadowbynine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:54:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis, followed by 2 hours of crying
TasaHash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:54:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I ever open up a book store, I'll make the mystery section very hard to find
lowwren ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. (Tentacles)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
kevin hart
moeichi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I donโt know y.
Uncle_Skeeter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see," said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
janquadrentvincent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirates favourite letter?
(Typical answer is โRrrrrrrrrrโ)
Youโd think itโd be the Rrrrrr but itโs actually the C
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why did the blind man fall in the well? he couldnโt see that well.
grow_something ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because theyโre so good at it!
FashoFash0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always pulled this one:
When birds migrate, they fly in a โVโ shape. But one side is always longer, do you know why that is?
Thereโs more birds on that side.
79Beaker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad invented the cool air balloon, but it never took off.
Spaps_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Earth is flat.
abso-FLUTE-ly3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a laughing piano?
A yamahahahahahaha
(works best said aloud because you start to actually laugh)
nekkidmancer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique bird? Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way!
Insanopatato ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question ?
bumblebeefan2016 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like trains
Coverse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the psychic convention that was supposed to happen soon?
It was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances.
dawson3678 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick
AiryHobbs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you say โrise up lightsโ it sounds like youโre saying โrazor bladesโ in a thick Australian accent.
Maybe not a joke, but gets a laugh when people do it.
Hellguin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Dirtball231 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has 4 wheels?
Grass I lied about the wheels
classy_rachael ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old lady fall into the well?
Because she didn't see that well.
brimstonecasanova ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ghost say to the bee?
Boo bee.
Rapturesjoy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop...
BilkySup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:06:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Knock Knock
-Who's there?
-Dishes
-Dishes Who?
-Dishes Sean Connery
fredthesalmon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:07:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They say time flies when you're having fun, but fruit flies when you're a banana.
SiXSwordS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this as: Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:07:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I the only one who thought they were in r/jokes and was shocked not to see a pun in the Body?
TuffHunter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah me too!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw the "Advice" tag and I thought, "I dont get it."
Droolings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:07:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was the pig doing in the kitchen?
Bakinโ
two__sheds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the bare minimum?
One bear.
TrueItUp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask Michael Scott
givvineggs00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear? Denim denim denim
criket13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the General keep his armies? . . . In his sleevies
Venge ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo....One's really heavy,the other's a little lighter.
Connor_lemons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar "Ouch"
NEXT_VICTIM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:12:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar...
And a table...
And a chair...
CaptainJellyfish7867 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:12:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this one every chance I get I fuckin love it.
Knock knock
Whos there
Cargo
Cargo who
Cargo beep beep!
GarryOfTheMod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.
Zurgzurg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friends were sick of me using lines from linkin Park but in the end it doesnโt even matter
rhombusaurus36 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:15:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whommm
BehindBlueEyes74 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I divorced my husband due to religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Npr31 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 fish in a tank, one says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?!"
WKBX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall? โdamnโ
What did the dam say when the fish ran into it? โDumb-bassโ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AudioBoss ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP asked for clean. People could easily find this offensive
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AudioBoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not all of them.
If you run into bad luck and tell it to a person who has an abusive alcoholic in the family I doubt you'll get laughs.
MeanBearPigIsReal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:17:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Personal favourite I think I stole from reddit...
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Cause he couldn't see that well.
slice19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad!
How many tickles to get an octopus to laugh?
Ten-tickles
stainless13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Kitterjitters ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat?
Because if they rolled forwards, they'd roll back into the boat.
rostik002 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They say curiosity killed the cat, but what was the cat doing on mars?
Alex__P__Keaton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is from this vine.
Setting: airport
American: hey man where you from
Tourist: (with thick accent) I AM LIBERIAN
American: Oh my bad (lowers his voice) where you from?
Western_Preston ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone of these really from the exact same post a year ago https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5z4b1u/whats_a_short_clean_joke_that_gets_a_laugh_every/?utm_source=reddit-android
CryptoHerm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Carlos.
bwware ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club....
movinonup2east ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:19:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A Meow-tain.
SirQrlBrl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are these two pigs playing in the mud. Wait, can't tell this joke, it's too dirty.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies
Crunchy_Biscuit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did it say nothing?
Because it was salty.
BrosettaStone7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm against picketing but idk how to show it
AmbulanceChaser12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the new pirate movie? Itโs rated โArrrr!โ
Schnorby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mushroom walks into a bar, bartender says "HEY! I don't serve your kind here!!!" "Why not?? I'm a fun-guy!"
oJim_Jimo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got this from Google assistant. Why was the scarecrow so good at his job..? Because he was outstanding in his field.
justonceinmylife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why did the lettuce close its eyes?" It saw the salad dressing.
PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's from my son:
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you'll see.
ShaggleROC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN. YOU WEREN'T THERE!
lambtp1182 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looking over the bill at a restaurant, "hey, who ordered the subtotal?
Ryzasu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
underground_gamblr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happens dude
3r2s4A4q ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't imagine anything more painful than watching childbirth
Digitek50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah. I bet you could troll hard with this statement.
BroodlingX2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:29:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, you got me. What?
ca1tlin22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:30:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs Irish and lives in your back yard? Paddy OโFurniture
Pkolaric ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:30:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a grape do when it gets crushed........ it lets out a little wine ;)
mattroo88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of biscuits can fly?
Plain biscuits.
Skiingfun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 legged dog walks into a small town in the wild west. The sheriff stops him and says "what are you doin' in these parts?" The 3 legged dog says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
joakinzz99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman buys two tomatoes and puts them in the freezer. One tomato starts shivering and says - Weโre gonna freeze to death in here . The other tomato watches him and screams terrified- Oh My God , a talking tomato!!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old lady fall i to the well?
She didnโt see that well.
wgfs23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
(They say "arrgh")
Then you say (in pirate's voice): "That's what you think, but it's all about the sea!"
C0NS0RT2DRAG0NS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kansas is so flat...
How flat is it?
Kansas is so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.
eternallylearning ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick...
bdzz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
British soldier meets an australian soldier in WWII
Did you come here to die?
No yesterday
FishtownYo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the butcher that accidentally backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders...
kautu0202 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can't run through a campsite. You can only ran because it's past tents.
TheDarknessRocks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:37:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
webhead_peter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis?
caseywheat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
Homestar_MTN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And so the dads reveal themselves
dydski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "why the long face?"
JSALCOCK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:43:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your nose smells.
Cod_Metal_King ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:45:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought some animal crackers from the supermarket the other day. I took them back because the seal was broken.
carpebambino27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:45:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bear likes a light rain? A drizzly bear
ChiefChiefChiefChief ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Didnt work
lissimcsaurus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:46:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My two favorites: Where does a triceratops sit? On its tricera bottom.
and
Wanna hear a joke about pizza? It's kinda cheesy...
edit: posted two but it looked like one very confusing joke.
Char_Taichou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
Turkey_Panini ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You guys wanna hear a clownfish joke?
Keep your friends close and anemones closer.
ZER0EFFSGIVEN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
BetterZedThanDead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys walk into a bar. You'd think the other 2 would've stopped after the 1st guy walked into it.
axelcuda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears peirced?
A Buccaneer
BourgeoisBitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:49:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Union workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Depends where the supervisor is.
murdill36 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:49:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
BotticusMaximus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:50:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum ching.
axelcuda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies
bamamat1724 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now
cupofcoffy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to thank the sidewalk for keeping me off the streets.
illbedeadbydawn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
ProjectMeat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be addicted to shampoo.
It's okay, I'm all clean now.
forgetmenot1981 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you add 50 pigs and 50 deer??
100 Sows and Bucks (100 thousand bucks)
dogchowtoastedcheese ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam!
FluttershyOwl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?
All over the place!
stolen from /r/Jokes
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Skeleton walks into a bar. Says โgive me a beer and a mopโ.
salvac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dad is washing his car with his son.
The son says "Dad, can't you use a towel like everyone else?"
Urocyon2012 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are in a field. One turns to other and asks, "Hey! Have you heard about mad cow disease?" The second turns to first and says, "How should I know? I'm a helicopter."
Jswissmoi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ocean say to the strawberry?
Nothing. It waved
DamianDavis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
HellTrain72 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The reason why the man is always the first to go? He's ready.
Mass_Hooting ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To my older brother, who is shorter:
'That's some big talk, coming from a small man.'
nutwrencher0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if I'm an airplane
Are you an airplane?
No
Vincisomething ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two scientists walked into a bar. One said, "I'll have some H20. " The second said, "I'll have H2O, too." The second one died.
SirX86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make H20?
Vincisomething ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How?
SirX86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:39 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. H can only have one bond, right?
Vincisomething ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:35 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but I don't know of you're telling a joke lmao.
Jose_reed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:05:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs two olives on a table...
the one olive trips and falls off the table...
the olive still on the table looks down and goes โhey man you alright down thereโ
The olive on the ground looks up at him and goes โoliveโ
Demiil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:07:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have ya seen the price of Velcro these days?
What a rip off!
Acid_Monster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:07:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows in a field, one turns to the other and says "Moo", the other one says "ohhh, I was gonna say that"
Divelownsyou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:08:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
BoozleMcDoozle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:08:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the bigger chimney say to the smaller chimney?
Youโre too young to smoke.
L1ham ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:09:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy's not there?
The hip replacement guy.
kokovo12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:09:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Sparko_Marco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowman are standing in field. One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
My little sister used to tell that all the time and howl with laughter.
oacorey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Spartain104 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:13:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the hardest part of skydiving?
The ground.
Entaaro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:13:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
mikeone33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:15:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's white and rhymes with Dr Dre? Eminem.
The_h0bb1t ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:17:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one works if you're driving/in a vehicle:
And If you'll now look to your right, you will see nothing on your left.
IntegralDerived ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:17:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales swim into a bar the first one says *make whale noises here* and the second says, "Woah, Frank, you're drunk!"
JustAnotherAhBeng ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:17:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: a whole bunch of dads gone wild.
rdppy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:18:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned this one on here a few years ago. I love it so much!
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAAA
(Side note: this joke can work in almost any language if you change "banana" to "ananas" which means pineapple in a bunch of languages.)
Spank007 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:19:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
AzathothBlindgod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The bartender asks, โWhatโs up with the steering wheel?โ
The pirate answers, โYAR, ITโS DRIVINโ ME NUTS.โ
zuluportero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In german there are tons of super short jokes. Shame they're untranslatable.
bradster1977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't ask the Monty Python team. It'll kill you...
tentonshogun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fish swims into a wall and says "Dam"
DeviaI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is legit one of the best Reddit threads I have ever seen
Jewsafrewski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got this from another joke thread: Why does Norway print barcodes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
crimefighterrr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an eggroll?
You push it.
angrysoopkichen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and smells like red paint? Green paint.
PoopThatTookaPee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in an oven when one leans over to the other and says "Man, its hot in here isn't it?" The other, startled, shouts "Ah! A talking muffin!"
ChowGozen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the Cincinnati Zoo.
craicbandit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Dont! It's time consuming.
dadless22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad's are like boomerangs...I hope
akcruiser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:32:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
That joke got me written up at work once.
MikexxB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:33:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's two muffins in an oven.
One says to the other, "Boy, it's getting hot in here."
The other one says,"WOAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
sprygrolsch254 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:33:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
Mitchuation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:36:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt ants have dicks? Because then they would be uncles
MLou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:36:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just heard this one last night.
Why did the Irish woman make her soup with only 239 beans?
If she added one more than it would be too farty!
LePoopsmith ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:38:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a family favorite for me too
Hardwoodclassic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:37:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who didnโt let the gorilla into the ballet?
The people who were responsible for making that decision.
Thaijb007 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:37:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because B shells are too small and D shells are too large.
BoSchroeder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:39:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:41:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hear about the gay midget?
Finally came out of the cupboard.
middleagenotdead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:42:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog cart and asks the vendor โ to make him one with everythingโ
Crozie2002 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the man with two wooden legs?
He caught fire and burnt to the ground.
thechicfreak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
TheSofa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know the only time itโs okay to slap an Italian woman? When her mustache is on fire.
Everythingisfunny79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
vclauss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:46:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
homeo-sectual ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two muffins in an oven. One says: Boy, it's toasty in here!
The other says: AAAAAAHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!
This joke is real dumb, but it's so dumb you usually get some chuckles.
DannkyG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a magic tractor turn into a field
wrongwaydownaoneway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell a vampire is sick? ... because of his coffin.
candylike_button ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so two lesbian nazi hookers are snorting cocaine, and......
Brewdevil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are abucted by UFOโs and forced into weight loss programs
candylike_button ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
all this week...on Town Talk! (smash)
EDIT: for anyone not getting the reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nH46Gc8fiPA
Brewdevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
With George!!! ๐
Madaghmire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs no such thing as an โEscalator Out of Orderโ sign. Only โEscalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convinienceโ -Mitch Hedburg
krnasaur47 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how come there are no jews in prison?
They eat lox
GaryNOVA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
V3rsX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:56:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha these are good :D
PrettyTarable ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:59:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The squirrels, they're after me, they think I'm nuts!
disillusioned ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:00:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsssssssssssssh.
Extrasherman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:03:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was on an elevator in one of the museums in my city and a gentleman asked me how to get to the music hall. I told him "practice". He was unamused.
MrMytie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do divers fall in the sea backwards? Because if they fell forward theyโd sill be in the fucking boat.
pkkid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:06:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
You park the car man.
ryerro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:07:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club...
Frank-Wrench ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Spanish magician's best trick was to disappear into thin air on the count of three. He'd begin, "Uno, dos--" and fwoosh, he would vanish without a tres.
Willxx81 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whos there?
Boo
Boo who?
Dont cry its only a joke
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad asked me the other day, "Are you even listening to me?"
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did they write on the Italian chefโs tombstone? . . . He pasta-way.
MigYalle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a teller at a credit union and this guy came up to me and said "I wanna withdraw $4 from my account"
Took a pause
"All in Hundreds please"
That one always makes me laugu
choppyteeth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs what she said
marcx1984 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a squid laugh? Ten tickles
basecall ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:17:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This had to be on a popsicle stick.
StrictScript ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:14:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's in norwegian so you probably wouldn't understand
only--dank--memes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grizzly bear walks into a bar and says, โIโll have a.................. beerโ Bartender says โwhatโs with the big pauseโ Bear says โbecause Iโm a bear rawr!โ
_agentj9_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you throw a party in space? . . . . . You planet!
cookingislife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How warm is the inside of a TaumTaum....Luke warm.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:22:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Taun-Taun
ElRocketman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:16:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I canโt come, I have a dentist appointment at tooth hurty.
NiNj4_C0W5L4Pr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing tears apart a family more than a pack of wolves. -Jack Handy
toshortofnam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said!
cacarpenter89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Olympians are chatting before an event. One asks the other, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name is Walter?"
BananaPancake11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was intense.
grow-down ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a pile of cats? a meowtain
pizzuhislyf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Ryanx0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless.
Femme_Shemp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:22:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
me2pleez ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:23:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/cleanjokes might interest you
ItBurnsWhen1PvP ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:23:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โSheโs outside making owl noises againโ
Then the other person responds
โWhoโ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".
DrongoTheShitGibbon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
thejillofalltrades ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poop.
LordFarquadOnAQuad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite two are,
"what's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
I can roast beef but I can't peep soup."
"Did you know there are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky?"
El_Chapo0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt fish pass high school
Because theyโre under C level
thejillofalltrades ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................He sipped it before it was cool.
EDIT: MOAR PERIOODDDSSZ
dskentucky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:25:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hamburger walks into a bar, bartender says, I'm sorry man you need to leave, we don't serve food here.
rolypolypenguins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:26:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
You put a little boogie in it!!
guard_my_goblin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:26:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got this off reddit.
Broke my arm once when i was young and my friend tried his best to cheer me up. He said "you could have fallen down a deep circular hole with water at the bottom." I knew he meant well.
coconutspider ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:31:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's long, brown, and kind of sticky?
A stick!
I laugh everytime, so it counts as "gets a laugh everytime" right?
CheesyDoesItCooking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:32:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roman walks into a bar holds up 2 fingers and say "ill have 5 beers please"
totallynotjesus_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto (rubber toe)
operabass93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:34:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man hanging on a wall? Art.
What do you call a man lying on a grill? Frank.
What do you call a woman lying on a grill? Patty.
What do you call a man floating in a pool? Bob.
What do you call a man lying in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a man lying in a pile of leaves? Russel.
What do you call a man in a hole? Phil.
What do you call a man lying on a barbershop floor? Harry.
What do you call a woman lying on the beach? Sandy.
What do you call two men hanging above a window? Curt and Rod.
What do you call a man lying under a car? Jack.
What do you call a man stuffed in a mailbox? Bill.
TheSexymobile ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:35:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My 4 year old "knock knock" Me "who's there?" 4 year old, struggling to speak through his giggles "poop" Me "poop who?" 4 "HAHAHA YOU SAID POOPOO"
WhatASillyPuppy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Buffalo say to his Son when he left for college?
Bison
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Evilmentalhamster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saw a man playing โDancing Queenโ on a didgeridoo. Thought to myself, โThatโs an ABBAoriginalโ
Brilliant Tim Vine joke
Captain_McTavish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was at work the other day when my wife asked if I wanted to come home at lunch for a quickie
I corrected her and told her itโs pronounced โquicheโ
Kaboomeow69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:44:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's heavy, and one a little lighter.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:46:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bike fall over?
seventomatoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:15:23 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
BECAUSE IT WAS TWO TIRED
seventomatoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:30:06 on August 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:-)
BlackberryMagpie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:47:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
Why did seven eat nine? Because the doctor said to eat three squared meals a day.
aeiftw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:47:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a kleptomaniac.
Sometimes it gets really bad and i have to take something for it
military_grade_pepe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:48:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar,
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
andrew_username ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
Bizarrdo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
uncledevilson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the man say when his spouse got struck by lightning?
He saw his whole wife flash before his eyes
Fragatron3000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:52:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice clean wholesome joke for the family: โHow you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.โ
Smiley-v2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:54:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
dveebee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Kuntheman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:00:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this thread
Mattacake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:01:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Cos he kneaded a poo
CounterfeitDime ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:03:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
VTGCamera ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a: Do you want me to tell a joke backwards?
b: Yeah!
a: Laugh first
iCookie9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I cut my finger while shredding cheese today, but I think I have grater problems.
IM_S0_HIGH_RIGHT_N0W ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
John went to the zoo.
There was only one animal.
It was a Shih Tzu.
boredsittingonthebus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to die peacefully of a heart attack like my grandpa, not screaming like his passengers.
blandarchy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:06:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People often donโt believe me when I say I was a New wave star in the 80s, but Iโm adamant.
AdiMom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:06:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? A stick...
nibninbin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:09:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer comes back to man he bought a horse from and says "Hey this horse you sold me is blind!"
The man says "I told you he didn't look that good"
RedRadial ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeรฑo business.
805unknown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:11:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got this from a reddit thread a few years back.. โI used to be very indecisive, and now Iโm not so sure.โ
Magicman_22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:13:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my favorite goes like this:
โok i have a really funny knock knock joke, but you have to start itโ
โwhoโs there?โ
queue awkward silence while they try to figure out what is going on
MisterTwo_O ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:14:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana
vulcanianpillow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:15:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and has wheels.
Grass, I was lying about the wheels.
lupine86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just got out of rehab. I was addicted ... to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
dorkadian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd tell you a joke about a bin but itโs rubbish.
The_Struggle_Bus_7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis
Medicatedmermaid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?
UnPrecidential ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While hunting, I stumbled upon a tent with a very willing woman. She said, "I'm game." So I shot her.
5corn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some good ones in here
lupine86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I stopped playing poker with cats. Some of them are cheetahs.
DillDangles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who is this Rorschach guy, and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
thewiremother ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
imma_fungi_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
TyJaWo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman with one leg? Aileen.
What do you call two guys working on a window? Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pool? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on a wall? Art.
C-Willlis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see a hippo hiding behind a telephone pole??
Because theyโre really good at it.
boredsittingonthebus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:31:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor, every time I drink coffee my eye hurts.
Take the spoon out of the mug, then.
mr_smartypants537 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:34:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
Sempais_nutrients ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:35:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whenever someone says "i'm thirsty" you reply "I'm friday, come over saturday and we'll have a sundae."
Jfran2015 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:40:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's an STD that has a 100% fatality rate?
Life.
ruggster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:40:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the left breast say to the right breast?
We better get some support soon or people are gonna think weโre nuts!
Lexquisite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:47:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I watched a documentary on how the Titanic was made. It was riveting.
boredsittingonthebus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the scariest treat?
I scream.
Kymario ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When driving past a cemetery, point over at it and say,
"Hey, I heard people where dying to get in that place."
boredsittingonthebus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the slug say to the snail?
Big Issue.
quagley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
Because theyโre really good at it
the_crane_wife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:00:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?? ...A stick! ๐
paypermon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
lol_camis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:21:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
XxThoughtSeizexX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:59:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend and I watched 3 movies back to back luckily I was the one facing the tv
Whoopteedoodoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:13:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You โnique up on it.
PlutoIsStillAPlanet9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:19:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with a wobbly head? Bob.
Falconer92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a run down bus station and a lobster with big tits ? Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean !
DapperProducts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE LEGS
Fwest3975 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:19:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, โWe donโt serve your kind around here!โ The mushroom responds with,โWhy Not? Iโm a FunGi!โ
CockadileSlurpeeFart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:34:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke? a kid fell in the mud
WaterierPanda73 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:51:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen the movie constipated?
No......
It never came out.
Buobt_3235 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:00:10 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter? Itโs much easier than walking!
Blueberry314E-2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:07 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between the radio city rockettes and the barnem and bailey circus?
One's a cunning array of stunts...
PM_ME_UR_TEAPOTS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:12 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The earliest Canadians had a gathering in which they would decide the name of their country. They wrote the alphabet on a piece of paper, cut all the letters apart, and placed them in an upturned hat (toque, sorrysoory ).
A citizen pulled put the first letter. "It's a C, eh?" Then the next. "It's an N, eh?" Then the last, "D, eh?"
CANADA.
rick_ts ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:24:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It isn't heavy and blue?
Lightblue.
CaliforniaSean ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:51:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do brides wear White?
So the dishwasher matches the fridge.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch ๐๐
Big_ol_Bro ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:29:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Mexicans be firefighters?
Because they can't tell hose-a from hose-b
bsmilner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:21:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a Polish friend whoโs a sound technician, and a Czech one too, Czech one too
bagzilla ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:29:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 legged dog walks into a bar. Says "Im looking for the man who shot my paw (pa)"
BologniousMonk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:45:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs long, brown, and sticky?
A stick.
Desterosso ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:07:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
mindyourghost ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:19:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg always bring an umbrella when he goes out?
Fo drizzle baby.
LuckyWolf777 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:31:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I would tell you but you might spread it
Samusaurus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:49:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
David Spade
poppabear91570 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:42:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the baby boy born with no eye lids? They performed a radical procedure where when he was circumcised, they grafted the skin to his eyes. Heโs doing fine. Heโs just a little cock eyed.
totalwpierdol ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:53:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a gun better than a woman?
You can put a silencer on a gun
BAshley1995 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:50:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fit three gay men on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down
sarinis94 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:27:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Top comments jokes = They already saw it on Reddit
Controversial comments jokes = Offensive but bring actual lols
WookieSnatch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:42:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the tofu cross the road?To prove he's not chicken.
PassionSlit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:12:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs Beethovenโs favorite fruit?
Buh-nah-nah-nah
blueiguanadon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:39:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyd the brick cross the road? Cus i threw it. Whyd the chicken cross the road? I duct taped it to the brick.
WreakingHavoc640 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Savage ๐
AmbientChunks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:42:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much did the pirate pay to get his piercings?
A buck-an-ear!
JoshuaTrace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:43:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a horses primary concern when voting for president?
A stable economy
nantahala37 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:48:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said she was breaking up with me because Iโm the most pompous person she knows.
I said, โMoi?โ
rawmiss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:53:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One? Or two? One? Oor two?
radtech91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:55:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this to my coworkers all the time, they hate me more each time:
Can dogs operate MRI machines? No, but cat scan.
OptimusAndrew ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:02:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"Arrr matey"
RiffRaffMama ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:11:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hadn't heard that one. I like it enough to be telling it to my husband and kids tomorrow :D
ButtTrumpetSnape ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:44:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think "Aye, matey" works better :)
Battleraizer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:21:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys were running away from the guards, and managed to hide in a dark storeroom. The guards almost skipped past the storeroom when the first guy knocked over something.
Guard: "Halt! Who's there?"
Guy A: "meow meow"
Guard: "Ahh, it's just a cat."
The guard proceeds to leave, and Guy B knocked over something while trying to take a peek.
Guard: "Halt! Who's there?"
Guy B: "The cat, the cat."
Powerism ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
bad_luck_charm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
Edenor1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mom used to tell this one all the time.
A skeleton walks in to the doctor's office, the doctor says "you're coming in now?"
MemersonMcLaws ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An atheist, Crossfitter, and vegan all walked into a bar.
And you know that because they immediately announced it upon arrival.
wherethefisWallace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes?
So when they come in to port, they can scan da navy in.
JamesJoyce365 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fish.
bacteen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:28:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.....
FruitcakeGary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let's see said the blind to the deaf
Cdamncrawford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
YngviIsALouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a tame one? Tame way
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
b0bthecheeseman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 fish are in a tank. The first says to the second, "you drive, I'll man the gun"
Eterrossy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: "How are you supposed to drive this thing?"
not_vichyssoise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs Bruce Leeโs favorite drink?
WAH-TAA!
Sence ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did a buffalo say to his child when he was leaving.
Bison
just_real_quick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasa-bi?
What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo-bie!
skidbox411 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
He couldn't see that well.
snoocakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
MaskMan191 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
smartypants333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken walk 1/2 way across the road?
So she could lay it on the line...
isladyhawke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
whistlenosetruckstop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
pm_fun_science_facts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirates favorite letter? R, but his true love is the sea
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey
What do clams do for their birthdays? Shellabrate
Battlemage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates favorite letter?... Rrrr Oh you think it would be rrr but I've only always had love for the C
ElectricFuneralHome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino
eleanor61 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs E.T. short for?
He has little legs.
elroypaisley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the pony that had laryngitis? He's better now but still a little horse (sounds like hoarse, hence the joke).
lilacwishbone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I get a glass of wine, I like to sip it and say "do I detect a hint of grapes?"
characterzero4085 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
KushwalkerDankstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smellocopter!
SMGB_NeonYoshi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My new T-shirt that says "I am not involved in human trafficing" is making a lot of people ask questions that are already awnsered by my shirt.
kroople ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer, and a mop.
chromaticsoup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any time I pick up a guitar thatโs not in tune, I always say, โit was in tune when I bought it.โ
Fortune86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar.
He said 'Ow'.
aomimezura ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: You wanna hear a really funny joke? Them: Sure Me: Yeah me too.
brainsneezes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Pork chop! (With karate chop movement to make our even better. Worse...)
SexyStudlyManlyMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I caught my wife in bed having sex with another man this morning, I said "get off me you two"
ErikaUnderfoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus giggle?
Ten-Tickles!
soccerburn55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were two olives on the table. One fell off. The one olive still on the table yells down to the olive on the floor, "Are you alright?" The olive on the floor responds, "Ol live"ย
stevehrowe2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
CL0aKe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about people with anger issues?
Turns out they're all the rage these days...
1mrlee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes walk into a bar. They both hit the ground.
theworstsupervisor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stella's face
Conquerors_Quill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman leaves a bar...
dr_rozy94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-I-Deer
goblueaca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After Everytime someone chugs something non alcoholic or eats something really fast my go to is "dude are you gonna be ok to drive?"
iamthemax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have an L shaped sofa. Lower case.
jadub123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted...
a8bmiles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat to enter the water?
Because if they fall forwards they're still on the boat!
722wdblazer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club
zacree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part to any joke timing
Diablos_lawyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
scumfuckfIowerboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hereโs a long one: joooooooooooooooooooke
ENG_4_ESPANOL_PM_ME ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya like jazz
GreatestGoldenLight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why are rich british people fat? they measure their wealth in pounds
jodawi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Inter... Moo!
Blastartechguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
walk into store Go directly to the detergent aisle rotate all Tide brand detergent conainers Oh how the tides have turned
MaddyWasThere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Give me that.
Give you what?
Give me that smile.
I donโt know why, but EVERY time my husband says this I giggle.
Kingpin721 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two elephants stomp on the ground and a third stomps in the water. Ba-dum-tss.
Pheddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. The first one says โboy is it hot in here.โ The second one says โholy crap a talking muffin!!โ
Postmortal_Pop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What noise does a topiary animal make?
Bush!
jc72303 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesnโt matter...heโs not coming.
11111000000B ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoโs blind, green and plays the piano?
Kiwi wonder
Imakedo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into bar, says "ouch"
mrmoo232 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do if an elephant comes through you window? Swim
lovecraft112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a baby seal walked into a club...
mrdog23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why shouldn't you go into the jungle between 1:00 and 3:00?
Thats when the elephants jump out of the trees.
mrdog23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pygmies so short?
They go into the jungle between 1:00 and 3:00.
nicholetree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
YourFriendMaryGrace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:52:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually laughed out loud.. Thanks for this one!!
nicholetree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs my go to joke and works about 70% of the time. Either laughter or eye rolls!
mrdog23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
mrdog23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Mclovin435 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do SCUBA divers fall Backwards into the water?
Well, if they fell forward theyโd still be in the boat!
pragnar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three old guys sitting on a bench. First on says "Wow, its windy today!" Second one says, "I thought it was Thursday". Third one says, "I am too, let's go down to the bar for a drink."
coltonchapstick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just know when I was a kid I knew someone named Jose. When I talked to my dad about my friend Jose be would ask if he had a brother named jos-b.
BasilHaydensBitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went shopping for a really hard to find French cheese. Itโs called camofromage.
Citizen_Ken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery
bluebasset ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat!
(Note:Does NOT work on kids who haven't seen a scuba diver get into the water)
raddit95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar
He says ow!
SamJustSam14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
Heโs immediately disqualified.
ExeterNardieu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "why such a long face?"
gunsnbutter96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
phase172 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?..... K9P
BaronVonSinister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
ThisNameTagPasses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many blind people does it take to fix a light bulb? None. Because they don't need it.
RancidRance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dyslexic walks into a bra.
ikilledtupac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's is the most important part of a joke timing
Sarahsays1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a joke at the end of the opening monologue of SNL when Rainn Wilson was hosting. They did a spoof on The Office. Lorne Michaels plays Michael Scott and says to Rainn "Ask me what the important thing in comedy is?" He says "what" and Lorne interrupts him, "Timing." It's a short clean joke that's funny.
hardwoodfloor1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's basically a dad joke, but it always works for me: "what's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano. But you can't tune a fish!"
pinniped1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that all countries have ninjas?
Japan is just really lousy at it.
BreastMelk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best part about laser church? All the pews
chefblaze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!
chefjamee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One sausage looks to the other and says, "man, it's hot in here!"
The other sausage says, "what do ya know?! A talking sausage!"
joZeizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!!
Mine_Menace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Whoโs there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow whโ
MOO.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T. short for?
Cause he's got little legs.
thebig_bc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar and tries to order a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
Demented_Liar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. Ouch.
PrinceHumperTinkTink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co--
MOOOOOOOOOOO!
maxie760 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a hippieโs wife?
Mississippi
DankMemes4you ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
"P", because without it, they would just be irate.
Lemmegeta20piece ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
I always use this to get candid pics of people laughing. Works every time.
wee_steam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows wear shoes? Because they lactose.
Ektadizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock, Who's there, Ya, Ya who? Sorry I use google
X-lem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Two white horses fell in the mud.
JadenZombieZlayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This thread.
dave2humphreys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad used to be in a band called The Hingers... they used to support The Doors
ikilledtupac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.
defnot_hedonismbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky??
A stick
matthotlips ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no tablets in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-them-all (paracetamol)
thelevywas_bri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I go, I want to go like my granddad did, peacefully while sleeping. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car
sorinssuk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy walks into a bar. And a chair. And a table.
caller-number-four ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most krunk place to go to the bathroom?
Lil' John!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
bpnomad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any stevie wonder joke
Gwizodd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 eggs in a frying pan.
"Don't you think it's rather hot around here?"
"OMG THIS EGG IS TALKING"
NicoLogoski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For spanish speakers:
โยฟComo se dice โun zapatoโ en ingles?โ
โA shoe.โ
โSalud.โ
PHOICH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dogs are always in the push-up position. -Mitch
maverickrebel87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If the person your asking cooperates you can ask.. what is a pirates favorite letter? They say Arrrr.! And you say, you would think so but it โtis the Sea!!
Omakepants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
emthejedichic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick!
IssuedID ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the strongest letter of the alphabet?
P. Even Superman Can't hold it.
ssmsti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one gets a laugh but isn't exactly clean.
Pick someone out in a group and say to them "Hey did you see this weird brain trick where you think you can taste salt?" You have to sell this like its a real thing you learned.
They will hopefully answer "No"
So you say "Yeah its crazy, you tip your head back and pretend to shake a salt shaker on your tongue and you can actually taste it!"
So they try, and they keep trying... it gets a laugh every time.
If you don't get why its funny go ahead and try it yourself.
oldbastardbob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"
stevenjw01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought a gun from a guy named T-Rex, heโs a small arms dealer.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
lennythebox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Postman knocked on my door and said "hi there, I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour"
:you're at the wrong house then" and closed the door
medicgenius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind guy crosses the street with his guide dog on a red light and almost gets killed. When he gets on the curb, he gives his dog a treat. A guy comes up and says, " You were almost killed, why are you giving your dog a treat? The blind guy said, So I can find his head to kick his ass!
Frazzle786 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do farmers count cows? With a Cow-culator!!! ๐
Badgerwerb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man goes to the dentist and asks what he suggests for brown teeth and the dentist says " have you tried a yellow tie?"
PhoenixRain618 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the headlines say about the missing midget fortune teller? Small Medium at Large.
FriskiBiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Define someone that is dyslexic, agnostic, and an insomniac. It's someone that lies awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog.
DillZeeZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cancer
damitjanetweiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
Qoaula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
i_shruted_it ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walked into a bar, one guy ducked.
KVirello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
SkeletonDude199 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick. /s
123poopy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my penis
vitium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? SNIFF LOUDLY "Does it smell like carrots out here to you"?
wcwatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!
Bad news: Sheโs expecting triplets.
Terrible news: Youโve had vasectomyโฆ
alpha67667 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall in a well? He couldnโt see that well.
Wheatley67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone stole my mood ring, and I donโt know how I feel about that.
Thanks 30 Rock
MrFuggindoosh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no limbs on a porch? Matt
What do you call a guy with no limbs in a pool? Bob
zookeeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Jose and HoseB
sstaniell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does every sentence have to contain a vegetable? Not nececelery
mun4she ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that I'm missing a few teeth means that there's more space for your tongue - inst bang that night
NineLeggedCobra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar, third guy ducks.
baar-ur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi looks around and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
Dthomson15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards? If they fell forward theyโd still be in the boat!
This_one_taken_yet_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Snake walks into a bar, bartender says, "How the hell did you do that?"
tbagman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man said to the buddhist hot-dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."
ofmanyone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?? A stick!
fuckswithyourhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
gumball_Jones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye-deer.
ohgodspidersno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A toilet was stolen from the local police precinct. They can't find the guy; the cops have nothing to go on.
-NARPS- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well
PrajnaPie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall in the well? He didnโt see that well.
Spacelord_Jesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So many good jokes but they just don't work in any other language.
phuhcue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was a salted.
EitherNor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A joke about Communism is only funny if everyone gets it.
RedheadDPT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why were the little strawberries crying? Because they were in a jam!
ohgodspidersno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I burned my Hawaiian Pizza today.
I should have cooked it at aloha tempurature.
AndrewSuffix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why arenโt koalas actual bears?
They donโt have the koalafacations
BeNotContent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two women were sitting quietly.
Boneless- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It smells like updog
stenseth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is ยซsmellsยป?
Did I do this right?
derGropenfuhrer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How come you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they're REALLY good at it.
Popopopper123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What city has many apples?
Many-apple-lis (Minneapolis)
NotActuallyEvil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. "Ow."
Low_Brass_Rumble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old guy fall down the well?
Because he couldnโt see that well.
RobKei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a rabbi and a hooker walk into a bar. The bartender says, โ What is this, a joke.โ
sweetperdition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You heard the one about the broken pencil?
Itโs pointless!
sachemwarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what? Chicken butt.
Jonathan_Frias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
oldschoolkimmi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat? HAAYYY!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
daxter146 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.pooP its poop spelled backwards
Ace1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
Just follow the fresh prince
whyspir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The phrase 'chicken fingers' is highly misleading.
Futureoldmans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The horses name was Friday
PrincessMinecat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You all kniw that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But do you know why 7 ate 9? Because you should eat 3 squared meals a day.
nicolekaili ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
upvote my comment so I can post my cat
TippersMcTippington ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two dudes walk into a bar. Third guy ducks.
secret_ninja2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats ET short for?
He's got small legs
nbh2992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I think his father took him aside... And left him there.
janquadrentvincent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is Beethovenโs favourite fruit?
(Sing...)
BANANANAAAAAAAAA BANANANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SPUNKFLAP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
today-is-my-birthday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did 0 say to 8?
"Nice belt!"
SirPeterODactyl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What starts with 'wh' and ends with 'at'?
What starts with 'wh' and ends with 'at'.
grilledcakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking through a park late at night. One was a-salted.
SchuminWeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a new computer recently. I set it up, went to turn it on, and nothing happened. I tried again, and this time, a little door on the front opened, and a little man carrying a pitchfork walked out. I said to him, "Who are you?"
"Who am I?" the man replied, "I'm the farmer in the Dell!"
Blah54054 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road- To get to the idiots house.
Knock knock. Whos there. The chicken.
Fatboyonadiet4lyf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9 / 7 ate 9
Presby_Libertarian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a doctor that graduated with all C's?
Doctor.
PissedOffWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
Jampany ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
Lisstopher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Wellhowboutdat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad-joke inventory over runeth.
DBProxy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mother
Gracetown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My bosses 7 year old son told me this the other day:
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? โHey man, do you think it smells like carrots out here?โ
GeneralPinecone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does PETA stand for?
Animal rights.
piercet_3dPrint ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a is for Apple, and b is for banana, what's c4?
Plastic explosives!
simiansamurai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Friends are like trampolines. I've always wanted a trampoline.
setsuwa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the farmer that was given the Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
Jason4Christ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Technically a riddle rather than a joke but for some absurd reason, I love it:
What's brown and sticky?
answer: A brown stick
What's red and bad for your teeth?
answer: a brick
jennife288 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick
frozenyogo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
tracysaqt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid.
followupquestion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the opposite of a hot dog? A pupsicle
What do you get when youโre drowning? A sinking feeling.
WillCommentAndPost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs purple and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?
A four door grape.
CliffordTheDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask someone if their socks have holes in them. When they say no response with "Well how'd you get your foot in it dummy?"
Mike_ZzZzZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Interrupting cow...
Interrupti- "MOO!"
Sky_Pirate_XII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman walks out of a bar
jpropaganda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
He felt crumby.
thespiderdoctor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtain. Works. Every. Time.
Archmage391 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This Question.
fizzy_sister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The baby seals walk into a club
Zhadowbannedkeithm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Norm Macdonald's Moth joke on conan O'Brien
https://youtu.be/J0B89NlPrC8
RJ119x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/opfeels/ u/rj119x/
wippu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop
HlpMeGainit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"It all comes back to me now" the skunk said as the wind changed direction
scarfed_wallaby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The patient needed open heart surgery, because operating closed is a bit harder.
mcdave7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men are in a boat and have 4 cigarettes but no way to light them yet they all are able to enjoy a smoke. how did they do it? They threw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter. Joke is from the original batman series season one episode 1.
Tennents_N_Grouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
iamtheawesomelord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is less of a laugh and more of a "exhale-grin-fuckoff" joke, but it's my dad's favorite.
How are an elephant and a grape alike? They're both purple, except for the elephant.
Bobboy5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and you think one of them would have seen it coming.
ImbaZed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ur arena rating LuL
bpaps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other: is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
The other muffin says: HOLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!
ShakeBunny100489 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was out standing in his field.
MNice_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyโd the blind man walk into a well Because he couldnโt see that well
exin22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask Mitch hedburg
GKinslayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to the front of his pants.
When he gets to the bar, the bartender asks - "What's with the ship's wheel?"
The pirate responds - "Arrrr, it's drivin me nutz"
MustardStyle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants.
The bartender asks him "what's that steering wheel doing down the front of your pants?"
The pirate says "yarr, it's drivin' me nuts."
thelordsrath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A string walks into a bar and says bartender give me a beer the bartender says we don't serve strings so the string walks outside and freys his ends and ties himself into a knot and he walks back into the bar he says bartender give me a beer the bartender says aren't you that string I just kicked out he said no I'm a freyed knot.
StoryAboutFarts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fart
swshooter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!
Whos_Sayin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bob and Joe go hunting. They are having fun when they are suddenly attacked by a bear. The bear manages to kill Joe before being killed by Bob. Bob starts to freak out at his friends death and calls 911 and tells the operator that his friend got attacked by a bear and died. The operator tells him not to panic and says "first, are you sure he's dead?". This is followed by a brief silence before the operator hears 2 gunshots and Bob responds " ok, what's step 2?
AfghanTrashman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three blondes walk into a bar.
The brunette ducks.
FutureSeniorCitizen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the road...one was a salted.
BrownBeerd843 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.
Clean enough right?
Tw4life417 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they would still be in the boat.
AlCrawtheKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I keep trying to buy one of those cashier dividers whenever I'm at the supermarket, but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
ihopsecurity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My personal favorite from The Office:
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"The KGB."
"KGB w-"
slap them "WE ASK THE QUESTIONS."
Although, I use "Gestapo" because I do a better German accent than Russian.
Y-I-O-T-A ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Well like the tree told the lumber jack...im stumped!" Dad joke I always say when im confused
Brocklanders69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife threatened to leave me because of my love of the band the monkees. At first I didnโt believe her, and then I saw her face.
mintyfrosting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's one my grandpa used to tell:
What's a sentence using all 3 words defeat, defense, and detail?
De feet went over de fence before de tail
Brakalicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you heard the one about staying hydrated?"
"No."
"That's because it's not a joke!"
jbarber2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stolen from a video on /r/happycryingdads
A bear walks into a restaurant and says to the waiter, "I'd like a grilled... cheese."
Waiter says, "What's with the big pause?"
Bear says, "I'm a bear."
Dairunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irish walks out of a bar
Aito-Ai- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the piece of cheese say when it looked into the mirror?
Halloumi
lloicles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the cannibal eat the clown?
He tasted funny.
RockyRidge510 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know you can live the rest of your life without eating?
Sevreth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks, "how are you?"
I respond "like a scarecrow with a PhD...
And when they look at me weird I finish
"......Out Standing in his field"
Toffe_tosti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice one
rotll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this baby seal walks into a club...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
rudygj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar then says, โOuch!โ
Jakeshores99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other muffin โhey do you think itโs getting hot in here?โ The other muffin says โWHOA A TALKING MUFFIN!?!โ
FlyingWhales ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to think I'm good at telling jokes but I always punch up the screw line. Dammit!
Veritaserum25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts are walking through the woods and one was a salted...
kapwno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt blind people go skydiving?
It scares their dogs.
neednintendo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
BHMGray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo, Bee.
red-fish-yellow-fish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick
ispelledthiwrong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's three things I hate in this world.
โขracism
โขhypocrites
โขand the blacks
Nomad_Gui ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance, put a little boogie in it
OneMorePartyInLA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two TVs that got married? The ceremony sucked but the reception was great
nahzoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar, and realizes his alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
almo2001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, almost every time.
"I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it."
derek0660 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Because they're such good hiders.
zzzaacchh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
JRatt13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan!
GenericKen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick.
Wait, you said clean.
boxedwinedrinker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do little watermelons go in the summertime?
John Cougar Melon Camp.
austrianemperor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar.
It hurt.
rach-el ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? ... .. . The last place you left him.
theinvalid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm not keen on the new pound coin.
But then I hate all change.
superinspector ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My cock.... Who am I kidding? I know damn well it isn't clean.
mahbluebird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a laugh but a groan.
Why do people never starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is (sandwiches) there
crestonfunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the ant on the edge of the toilet seat?
He got pissed off.
ribjoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So sad, Alexa play despacito
Bunch_of_Shit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife complains I don't listen to her or something like that.
magilla311 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
Adventium_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always gets a laugh out af math people. Everyone knows the binary one so I made up my own a while ago.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who are good at math, those who aren't, and those who didn't realize this joke was in base 3.
logos-spermatikos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants do the Mario Bros wear?
Denim denim denim.
just_some_gomer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
I eat mop.
ptorangekatie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OK I have a great knock knock joke but you have to start
7jim77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, theyโd be bagels!
ooTotemoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do ya make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
theinvalid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place.
JephriB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck
the_mighty_skeetadon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Them: "arrrrrrr?"
You, interrupting with a hearty pirate accent: "YOU WOULD THINK IT BE R, BUT MY FIRST LOVE BE THE C!"
Never fails to geta great laugh. Even better if they don't guess "r" because you say arrrrrrr. Then follow up with this version ๐
Qorinthian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why were dinosaurs so big?
Because Jurassic times calls for Jurassic measures!
CamelHair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I have a good knock knock joke, but you have to start it." "Knock knock" "Who's there?" Usually the answer is wait what Laughter
AxelBlaze- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the deal with reddit?
CoonerShultz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
GSmoothie74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad Luck is walking into a door with an erection and breaking your nose.
one14four ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dropped my wife off at the airport this morning. I'll pick her up once she's calmed down
crazydogdude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does DNA stand for?
The national dyslexics association
BewardTheFridge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex wife still misses me. But her aimโs gettin better!
Rossy5000_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
IMPERIALITY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick.
NerdEGangster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are super Marios overalls made of?
to the tune of the underground level denim denim denim
seductive_sloth7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did batman say to robin before robin got in to a car? "get in robin"
CommunistTurdWaffles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
SixFU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sex life
TheWabster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I had enough brain capacity to remember any of this golden comedy
whatevah_whatevah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people:
throwaway24515 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jon Stewart
theinvalid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you find a trumpet in your flowerbed?
Root it oot.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because it needed some sea-soning
The_Legendary_Nerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My peepee
killxgoblin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten. Ten tickles
Ultinado ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but that only works on the males. Do you know how to check if an octopus is male? Test tickles.
killxgoblin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wooooooooooowwwwwww
sp_40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs Irish and stays out all night? Patty OโFurniture
Why--Not--Zoidberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I met a guy the other day, he's a Polish sound engineer. Which is kind of strange because I already know a Czech one too.. Czech one too.
theinvalid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is ET short for?
Because he has little legs.
lbguitarist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An undertaker was pursued down a hill by a coffin that had fallen off the hearse he was driving.
The quick-witted undertaker dashed into a pharmacist's shop and asked, "Do you have anything to stop me coffin?"
typhoidtimmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 cannibals are eating a clown, one leans over to the other and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
The other one I like is
4 out of 5 dentists say they prefer Crest toothpaste....the 5th one says he only dates girls.
zemerkenator5000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a two parter, 1. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. 2.what do you call a dog with no legs? Don't matter he isn't gonna come!
PBSmellySandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thats what she said
rosskosh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it.โ
โOk. Knock knock.โ
โWhoโs there?โ
โ...โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
In...
MOO!
Then you change the cow to something else for the second joke
Then the third one is, "I know another great knock, knock joke - you start."
delirious_deplorable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On election night...
knock! knock!
Who's there?
Hillary.
Hillary who?
Hillary lost.
bang! bang!
Dustfinger_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a zippo and a hippo? One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.
homefry91834 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife told me to stop pretending I was a flamengo. I had to put my foot down.
edmgypsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Mexicans make tamales during Xmas time? ... .. . So they have something to open.
Sml132 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a King keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Mamosta_1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Ash. Ash who Bless you
Draymond_Purple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mitch Hedberg
Doctor_Shady ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
worldssmallestfan1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men walk into a bar. One misses.
fierewallll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How has no one said it?
My dick
01100011_01110010_01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My birth.
mrmango43 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."
Canowyrms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheez whiz when it's all gone?
Cheez was
hjg2e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs Whitney Houstonโs favorite kind of coordination?
HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEE
spaceman_slim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his own crotch. One guy says, โI wish I could do that,โ and the other guy says, โI think you should probably scratch his head first.โ
Livingcanvas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice, and line it with peas. When he comes over to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole
dnick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or for an elephant, fill a large hole with ashes so it doesnโt look like a hole, and we he goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
chucklesfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick after a shower.
crabsushi_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
Flowguru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
EggsOverOzzie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your penis
ztaylor245 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a zippo and a hippo? One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.
scutter_87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
BizarroCullen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man wanted to name his son a very long name, so he named him Miles.
NinjaAssassin95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The best one for me;
Why can't Communists drive a stick shift car?
Because they keep Stalin
vghyjgtf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Bandit thrusts his fruit knife towards the policeman, and the policeman picks up a fruit
JoshMeihaus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a woman are standing in front of a headstone. The woman's husband of 40 years has just passed. The man asks if he can say something, and the woman nods.
"Plethora," he says with great pathos.
"Thanks," the woman says as she wipes a tear. "That means a lot."
thisisaredditacct ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a fish with no I's? A: Fsssshh!
Much better as a verbal joke because 'I' sounds like 'eye' . Hah get it? And I'll see myself out.
amjw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato as they were crossing the road?
Come on, ketchup!
Tatunkawitco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy (identity of your choosing) goes ice fishing. Starts chopping on the ice and hears a voice โthereโs no fish there!โ He looks around. Goes to another spot on the ice - starts chopping. โThereโs no fish there!โ He looks around bewildered. Goes to a third spot on the ice - โthereโs no fish there!โ
He yells back โis that you Lord!โ
โNo, Iโm the rink managerโ
GrandmaBogus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A German ship receives a radio call from a British one: "MAYDAY MAYDAY, WE ARE SINKING, WE ARE SINKING"
The German radio operator shoots a confused look at his colleague, and responds: "Um.. Hello.. Vhat are you zinking about?"
dnl647 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?!?
A stick.
darrellbear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's Irish, rugged, and stays out all night long?
A: Paddy O'Furniture.
innomado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, โHey! We donโt serve food here.โ
elvacilando ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a psychiatristโs office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says โ I can clearly see your nuts.โ
Sanctimonius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Two drums and some cymbals fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tssh.
clovengoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pirates, pirates?
Because they arrrrrrrrrrr!
Sneezyjefferson934 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
mister_newbie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield of your car?
Its butt.
Krumons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-"How do you call a cheese that is not yours? " -"How?" -"Nacho cheese."
JewishKidd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered Six offender.
singyourx3out ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI have a knock knock joke. You start.โ
So they say โknock knockโ and you say โwhoโs there?โ And then there is an awkward pause.
Snowcial ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old woman tells her husband to go to the grocery store to pick up bread and milk. She insists that he writes it down a grocery list due to his poor memory.
โDamn woman!โ He shouts, โitโs 2 items! Iโll be just fine.โ
He walks to the grocery store, quietly repeating โbread and milk, bread and milk, bread and milk.โ the entire way there
He returns with a carton of eggs. The wife takes a look and furiously shouts
โYou moron! You forgot the butter!โ
This joke was much longer than I remembered
anotherandomer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last night I got into bed with my girlfriend and saw a trumpet by her side of the bed.
I asked her, "Honey, why do you keep a trumpet by the side of the bed?"
"So I can tell the time." She said.
I ask her, "How on earth do you tell the time with a trumpet?"
She gets out of bed and start playing loudly, and from next door I hear, "Who the hell is playing the trumpet at one in the morning."
GyrokCarns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud.
EPIC_Deer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever Peter Dinklage takes a shower.
ownagedotnet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
BEEEELEEEE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Answering โyesโ to non-yes/no questions
doc_steel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
illiteracy is a palindrome
fuck_fraud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
HideYoGwaii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
stonearrowhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An irishman walks out of a bar.
AceMoriarty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"what is a pirate's favorite letter?"
"r?"
"you'd think so, but their one and only love is the c"
superelbarto2K ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt you keep secrets in the bank??
Because there are too many tellers
MisplacedLonghorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dogs!
Lookitsmyvideo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
Mz-B ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke?
yes
Bangladeshs economy
SummerwingButterfly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
RowanCharlton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mum
6MMDollarMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I was on a tinder date last night. This girl was telling me about a new sexualy transmitted disease to worry about...
Have you heard of chirpies?
It's a canaryial disease.
It's un tweetable!!!
homo_buttman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Water malone
mrboston617 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bookmarking this one!
IdleOsprey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What starts with F and ends in U C K? Fire truck!
Green_bug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calender?
They each got 6 months.
Drugsrhugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs Kim jong inโs favorite drink size?
A supreme liter
bguy030 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is this one:
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell off, so who was left?
ForeverFun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
tinnguyen123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't Cinderella make the basketball team?
Because she's always running away from the ball.
spinozasrobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you run over a bird with a lawn mower?
Shredded tweet
v0latilestargazer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you walk up behind a philosopher?
He becomes ari-startled.
PM_ME_YOUR_ART_PLZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not exactly a joke on its own, but whenever someone says they can't do something, I just say "not with that attitude" in a completely serious tone. More often than not it gets a pretty good laugh, especially if you're in an otherwise tense/serious atmosphere.
Belvera0709 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sou fs like a bell? Dung!
cmad182 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also late but...
Whatโs the difference between an old bus terminal and a lobster with a boob job?
Oneโs a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean.
mekadragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sell used batteries on ebay.
Free of charge
Thatguypinky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 tomatoes are walking down the street, Poppa, momma, and baby. The baby tomato starts lagging behind and poppa gets real angry and goes back and squishes the baby and says ketchup.
yeahbuthow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need this thread for future sanity reasons...
FlyingFortress98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three midgets walk into a bar, they all hit their head. Hi Iโm (your name) and I prefer to start things off with the bar pretty low...
Mz-B ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man looked at a dog and shouted woof. The dog looked back and told him to shut up.
SladeFloyd17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar.
He fell.
ego1014 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger...then it hit me.โ
Geadsche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatยดs the difference between Chinese and racism?
Racism has many faces.
Parrotkoi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car, stormed over to me, and shouted, โI AM NOT HAPPY!โ
To which I replied, 'Which one are you then?โ
ItsTonesOClock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a bag of Cocaine and a baby?
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
Surpentstone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
frog in the blender
Stud62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Tennessee?
I donโt know, but Arkansas!
Also, what did Delaware?
A New Jersey
I like the geography one liners.
What happens when I get Hungary?
I turn into nothing Budapest.
Why do people visit Tel Aviv in April?
It Israeli nice that time of year
Astrophysicist98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You: "Want to hear a good knock-knock joke?"
Them: "Sure"
You: "Okay. You start."
Them: "Knock-knock."
You: "Who's there?"
Them: Confused Face
EnakTheGreat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When a redneck dies and goes to Heaven, where does he sit?
.......BY GOD!
Grongazoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke.
The bartender asks "Is pepsi okay?"
The man replies "Yes"
The bartender gives him and pepsi and coke.
JohannesCabal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does it mean when all the cows are lying down in the field? They're tired.
Im_Not_That_OtherGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little Nazis.
coullottesfrancaises ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few of them know how to dance.
wolfhelp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why does glass taste like blood?"
shamls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
AboutTurkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walked into a bar.
And a table.
And a chair.
hammmmmmmmertime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs long, brown, and sticky? - a stick
Mathsciteach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummi bear
WinWithoutFighting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff
Gravelsack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Llama say when it was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch
iSalaamU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'Why the long face?'
Gonkimus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the girl fall off the swings?....
Because she didn't have any arms ๐ข
joseidon3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear
JustTeaForMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little hoarse
capnbishop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"Aye matey!"
Shroffinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Orion's Belt is a big waist of space if you ask me...
Terrible joke I know, only three stars
clareed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two nuns on a bicycles?
Cyclists
Fearhawke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a ghost wear when it rains?
BoooOoooOooots
irtyboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does all the ships in the Norwegian navy have barcode on them? So the admiral can stand at port when they return and scan-da-navy-in
listeningpartywreck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking past a building site when a carpenter called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.
beachboxer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What 's a Jewish dilemma? Pork at 50% off.
MichaelTheElder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na. Ba-na-na-na.
Kids absolutely love it.
iheartmagic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it!?
Irrelevant!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field!
EagIeOwl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats a gay horse eat? .......Haaaaaaaaaaaay
avskyen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A small washed dick
stolen-username ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best
Nossmirg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
backandforthagain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"this must be where all the dicks hang out" as you step up between two men pissing in a shared urinal.
You're either getting a laugh, or your ass kicked.
listeningpartywreck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
dyolinlinlin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Tenticles.
inb4404 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between male brownies and female brownies?
Male brownies have nuts.
masterpharos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 8 9
kabilak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a good one about pizza..
..but it's probably too cheesy
spOOghettiBolognese ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mum
GerryAttric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A three legged dog walks into a bar He barks out "Okay, who shot my paw?"
tmhkstr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no casinos in Africa? Itโs because of all the cheetahs
ironmanmk42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad with young son to the Waiter "one beer and one ice-cream "
Son: " why ice-cream daddy? Why don't you also get a beer! "
DingDongLongSchlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
misterpoopybuttholem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs what she said
blakm3n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb..? You wanna go ride bikes!!!
Run4urlife333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one that makes me giggle for healthcare professionals. "Knock Knock." "Who is there?" "HIPAA." "HIPAA who?" "I'm sorry I'm not able to provide you with that information."
Titangrille ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok I will make photos of Spiderman but can you pay me in advance?
TheGloriousNugget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
BlacksmithSasquatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to an all you can eat restaurant and the waitress only brought me a small plate of food and the check. I said, "I thought this was an all you can eat restaurant," and she said, "It is, and that's all you can eat. Now get out."
lwetz072 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says, โItโs getting warm in here.โ The other muffin says, โholy cow, a talking muffin!โ
dogecoinfiend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Damn
zzzaacchh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate is walking down the street with a ship's wheel stuffed in his pants.
Person: Why do you have a ship's wheel in your pants?
Pirate: "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"
RoseNoire4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why did the rooster cross the road? The chicken was on vacation
lwetz072 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop. One fly passes wind and the other fly says, โhey, Iโm eating here!โ
Ryne23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, โDo you know how to drive this thing?โ
Dragonasaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well
MikeyLust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the guy say when he walked into a bar?
OUCH!
LessMoist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze.
Courtesy of my wife ladies and gentlemen.
LemonsRage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha you sly dog are getting some suggestions for r/jokes huh?
ecodrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a tub of glue?
A: You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar. There's a sign up saying "Pieces of string not served here". He orders a drink. The barman says "Hang on, are you a piece of string?"
"No, I'm afraid not".
arkanciscan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd the bicycle fall down?
It was two tired.
TheSilentTitan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
here i sit all broken hearted, paid a nickel but only farted.
joke from the past that probably doesnt relate to today but it still gives me giggles thinking about it.
Divisionlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in-tents
Fvolpe23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one Sheppard say to the other?
Letโs get the flock out of here.
SplashingBlumpkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt crabs like to share? -because theyโre shellfish
Why do ducks have feathers? -to cover their butt quacks
Asknicelydammit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well first the lightbulb has to really want to change.
Why can't they hire blonds at the m&m factory?
They throw away all the W's.
Do you know where Moscow is?
(Russia) No, in the barn with Pa's cow.
Dreadphul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a 6 offender.
evil_timmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was intense.
GW3g ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cat you can't trust?
A cheetah.
paragonemerald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bald mascot rolled into a bar in a wheelchair. He had no legs. Bartender asks, "What happened to you?"
"Don't ask," Mr. Clean replied. "Unrelated, we've had to discontinue Magic Erasers."
itsaj3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once threw a boomerang & now I live my life in constant fear...
ecodrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What did Jesus say to his disciples at the Last Supper?
A: Allright, everyone who wants to be in the painting - get on this side of the table.
tres51195 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?? It couldn't jit.
bonvoyageespionage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when you smuggle a fish?
CODtraband!
CommissionerG12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted
Wargablarg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey /u/Wargablarg! Nice X!"
"Thanks, I made it myself."
dizzy_r_ski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs thedifferencebetween a goodjoke and a badjoke timing.
JackhusChanhus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A midget in the shower
Klopford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do fish get high? Seaweed!
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.
LeaveTheMatrix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty jokes?
Two pigs play in the mud.
MikeyLust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the name of the guy with no arms and no legs but can swim?
Bob.
Wideload80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if clean but certainly harmless with no swearing;
Why did the Baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
jskillebrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks in to a bar.. the bartender says "we don't serve your kind around here." The mushroom says, "why not? I'm a fungi."
ladyjane83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock. Knock. Who's there? Nacho. Nacho who? Nacho cheese!
FatJennie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a magic owl. Hoo-Dini
LaxCursor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
calmestpoet835 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The year is 2016, and the presidential election is over, but there is a three way tie between Bernie, Trump, and Hillary. They decide the best way to settle it is to have a race around the white house. Obama who is the president at the time says ok and the racers line up. The shot goes off and Hillary takes the lead, with Bernie close behind and Trump in the back. The race is getting Intense and right before Bernie can take the lead, Hillary crosses the finish line. Her time is found to be 10:21, which is completely unheard of for the race. The press is freaking out and they go to interview Obama for his thoughts, but doesn't seem phased by it. The reporter is confused and asked why he wasn't suprised by Hillary's insane time and he simply responds with "bush did 9:11"
SAGNUTZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[Insert name] is a guy who always has something on their mind, a HAT. No thoughts at all... JUST A HAT!
phyx8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on three.
"Uno, dos-" POOF
.... Gone without a trace....
hippydipster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who sits up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
LaxCursor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola holds more beer.
willsmye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick
Roy_Mustache ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it.
kartoffelsalat24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Firewood rental
Melaegan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend Phillip lost his lip in an accident today.
Now we just call him Phil
ChuckFiasco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you scare a bee?
Boobie....
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said - Michael Scott.
However you needa use it at the right time.
hacimtr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the orange fired from the orange juice factory?
It couldn't concentrate.
ScaryAnus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
90% of Mitch Hedberg's material is
Equilibrist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's one I like from Red Skelton:
Two fish are swimming in the ocean when a submarine passes. One fish nudges the other and says "Look! People in a can!"
shobeurself ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the hotdog put on a jacket?
Because it was a chili dog.
AaaawShitBuddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two goldfish in a tank and one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
squishysquishh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a farmer party?
He turnips the beets!
Miriamus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who, who?
What are you , an owl?"
bwoo72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and has wheels?
Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.
jhan303 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
spider_fly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick. Hyuck!
Grambles89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hear about the dolphin who was convincted of murder? He did it on porpoise.
printupr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and red and goes 3500mph?
A frog in a blender.
BradC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
BehindBlueEyes74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar. He asks for a beer and a mop.
1cecream4breakfast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick!
Whatโs green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
RevBeckett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
3rdCitizen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do at night? Lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.
PicturesofHeisenberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fail out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Pynwyno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about ligma?
JGWillikers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
o.o Potato o.o
Lukeade815 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you mean makes myself laugh every time I tell it- then usually its mouthing "Two deaf people walk into a bar."
sunb4th3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
b717 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you'll see later the other you'll see after a while.
Slothman9001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My social skills
cloughie89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is E.T short for?
Because heโs only got little legs.
TacticalTurtleV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't trust stairs
They're always up to something
sterno_joe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesnโt come back?
A stick.
BrosettaStone7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend said "I hear music!" As if there were another way to take it in...
shaw2885 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
SoManyNinjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field!
Hey, it's in his genes
IVDeliBruh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your penis
ZsaFreigh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
Lieutenant_Damn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
devildocjames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Diarrhea runs in your genes.
YogiTheBear131 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joe Paterno shows up at the gates of heaven with 100 priests...end of joke.
igotyournacho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
kinghammer1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you breed an elephant and a rhino?
Elefino
BlackHorse944 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the archeologist commit suicide?
His career was in ruins
Blackers722 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? The pickpocket snatches your watch and the peeping tom does the opposite
focia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What starts with P and ends with orn?
Popcorn!
MontyJonts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five beers please"
Niight_Hunterr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does it smell like updog? What's Updog? Nothing much you? ๐๐๐
SubduedChaos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on them!
Darkspy72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what a Freudian slip is donโt you? Itโs when you say one hung but mean your mother.
TheKolbrin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many politicians does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice 'em.
Sawdust54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror?
Hallou-mi
abrahm1331 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITC: Dad jokes
ravshah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* โฆ he disappeared without a tres!
east_van_dan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
dodecapotamus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a seal walks into a club.
SiXSwordS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell Mop
....
mediocre-man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an alligator and a crocodile ?
One will see you later the other will see you in a while.
KeineSystem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
D. Thump never lies.
BrosettaStone7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too"
booklover2628 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the little boy eat his homework?
His teacher said it was a piece of cake
My 5 year old told me this and I seriously laugh every time
RyghtHandMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-knock knock
-who's there?
-eye eep
Silver_Archer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I move for no man."
"So be it"
....
"Now stand aside worthy adversary."
"T'is but a scratch."
"A scratch? Your arm's off!"
"No it isn't."
"Well what's that then?
"I've had worse."
"You liar."
"C'mon you pansy."
...
"Victory is mine. We thank thee lord, that in thy AHHH!"
"C'mon then."
"What?"
"Have at you!"
"You are indeed brave sir knight, but the fight is mine."
"Ooooh had enough ehh?"
"Look you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!"
"Yes I have."
"Look!"
"It's just a flesh wound."
"Stop that!"
"Chicken. Chicken! Look I'll have your leg."
..
"Right, I'll do you for that."
"You'll what?!!"
"Come here!"
"What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?"
"I'M INVINCIBLE!!!!"
"You're a loony."
"THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!!!! HAVE AT YOU!!! C'mon then."
.
"Alright. We'll call it a draw."
"Come patsy."
"Ooooh I see. Running away eh? YOU YELLOW BASTARDS!!! COME BACK HERE AND TAKE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU!!! I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!!!"
Jimmy_Boots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
BigJoey354 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What looks like a cowboy, has a hat like a cowboy, has boots like a cowboy, has a horse like a cowboy, has a lasso like a cowboy, but isn't a cowboy?
A picture of a cowboy.
(The joke gets better when you add to the list of similarities for a while until it's unbearable)
a_cup_09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I have a knock knock joke but you have to start it" "Ok, knock knock" "Who's there?" "..."
Keyser_Soze95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
panlakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fake noodle?
pause for effect
An im-PASTA!!!
(helps if you do a big proud smile after your dumb joke is complete)
five8andten ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt
tristand1ck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walked down the street, one was a salted.
Connor_lemons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas
freebirdflying ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey gurl you a beaver?
Cause DAMNNNNNN!
Screaming_Possum_Ian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you call a dog with no legs?
You don't call it, you go pick it up.
DocSarcasmo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and wrinkly and lives in a bell tower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
Mandie247 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't your nose be twelve inches long? 'Cause then it would be a foot
What is under the Pillsbury doughboy's apron? Doughnuts
BobbyPotter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Flowerznlacee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You matter, unless of course you multiply yourself by the speed of light, then you energy.
da-sein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable? An ithburg.
Hysterical_Realist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A top Cardinal walks into the Pope's office and says, "Your Eminence, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The Pope says "I'll take the good news first".
The Cardinal says, "it seems that Jesus Christ has returned. He's on the phone and he'd like to speak to you."
Pope replies, "What's the bad news?"
Cardinal says, "He's calling from Salt Lake City."
alexacto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jesus and the picture of Jesus? The picture only takes one nail to hang.
rhacattack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the boogar cross the road? Because the people on the other side were picking on him.
lucky-peach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
ThisGoesWithoutSayin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are you when you're on a toilet in France? Euopean.
I know it's as dumb as it gets but everyone always laughs at it.
HeadachemanJan1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy wakes up ans goes downstairs for breakfast. His dad asks him"hey did you make your bed?" The boy says "yes". Later that day the dad goes upstairs to see his son did not makup his bed. The dad confronts his son "you said you made up your bed" tue boy replies "no, I made it up this morning."
kamakazeezebra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall into the well? He didnโt see that well!
RaptusCZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After he entered the body building competition, Dr. Frankenstein realised that he misunderstood the objective.
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F
quietseditionist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
leons_getting_larger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When geese fly in a V formation, do you know why one side is always longer than the other?
Thereโs more geese on that side.
lola4now ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a clean joke?
-Babalu- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican guy walks into a Chinese restaurant.
He sees a bottle of black liquid on the table. He picks it up, reads the label, and says "You sure are!"
jesuschristits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People want to be my friend.
AngryBird225 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dwarf took a shower until there was nothing left.
Short, clean, and gets a groan from the listeners every time.
guybrush54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an exploding monkey? A ba-boom!
BoHanZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Hasnain_zoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock..
who's there?
despa...
despa who?
despacito
hungaryisinasia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys go out hunting together, one accidentally shoot the other. Thinking heโs killed him, he calls the emergency services. The operator says โcan you just make sure that he is dead please?โso he shoots him again.
AgentSkidMarks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down.
Also checkout r/dadjokes sort by top of all time. Youโll find some good ones in there.
medievalogreatbest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What lives 10m down in the ground, is green and eats rocks
the little green rock eater.
What lives 10m down in the ground, is white and eats rocks?
The little green rock eater with leprosy.
An undetermined amount of time later, start a interesting discussion about what would happen if you drilled a hole in the earth all the way through to the other side, and then dropped a rock in the hole. Would it stop in the middle? Fall all the way through? Pendulum until finally resting at the center? Let people discuss for several minutes before you inform them that they're all wrong.
Because once the rock reaches 10m down, it gets eaten by the little green rock eater.
genny_marie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.
hardvark123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If it wasnโt for Venetian Blinds it would be Curtains for all of us
-Babalu- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says "How did you do that?"
jcreondudrum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once John Cena got seriously injured in a fight. He woke up in a hospital and asked the nurse who was checking in on him, "Where am I?". Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you don't
keenanpepper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that if you took someone's entire digestive tract and laid it out in a straight line... that person would die?
Could be blood vessels or nerves or whatever. It's all in the delivery.
_lemontree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-What kind of pants does Mario wear? - Denimdenimdenim.
-The other day I ran to the store to get bread. Someone threw a jug of milk at me! How dairy!?
-What did Simbaโs dad say to him when he was falling behind? -Mufasa!
Mfexious88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
Dam.
enforcetheworld ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend's mom asked her one time what a dad joke was, and knowing I loved them, texted me the same question.
I sent back one word.
"What's a dad joke?"
"Hilarious."
guybrush54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two tigers are walking through Times Square and one says to the other, "It's a lot quieter than I thought it would be."
Two-Tu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/jokes
Bruce_The_Triple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought advice was the punch line ๐ฏ
Jacke411 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between my jokes and my penis?
Nobody laughs about my jokes...
Elvis_Take_The_Wheel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a huge pile of kittens?
A meow-ntain.
Ufdab ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when the kittens fall over?
Elvis_Take_The_Wheel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A CAT-tastrophe!
ThankfulImposter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
wrmfuzzie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the snail paint an S on his car?
So everyone would say, " Hey, look at that S car go!"
What do you call a cow with only two legs?
lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
throwawayLouisa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no eyes?
No idea?
(It was funny when our 7 year old told it.)
wrmfuzzie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:38:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with only three legs? Tri-tip
kettu3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable? With a big itheberg.
lickmydicknipple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite one that I saw from another thread was
What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?
Aye matey
Jarsniffer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis?
Calling r/suicidebywords
hyfuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what kind of overalls does mario wear?
denim denim denim
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke here is the fact that you literally word for word reposted a top all time post in the sub. Idiot.
Digitek50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And you're the 1 millionth repost whinger. Congratulations.
greenandblue82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shes got a face like a horse, I heard she's looking for a stable relationship.
daniellediamond ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the teacher fart in public?
He was a private tutor.
theroamer555 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
uselesstriviadude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jews and Santa?
Santa goes down the chimney.
MyrddinSidhe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis? No, I mean, your penis?
theyellowdart340 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man goes in a fruit shop...
KevinFletch96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
matdave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks up to a pirate and says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
Pirate says, "Ahrr, it's been driving me nuts."
SimplyUndelicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This ones kinda not clean I guess, but itโs harmless:
Q. Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? A. Ones a crusty bus station, the otherโs a busty crustacean!
rmhoward21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins in an oven. The first muffin says "wow, its really hot in here" the second muffin says "omg a talking muffin!"
....my neice loves it.
SergeantPsycho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a ballerina from Warsaw?
SergeantPsycho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Pole Dancer! :D
ArthurNoShedsJackson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of people say to me... "Get out of my garden." (Michael Redmond)
HaykoKoryun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure if this is clean nor funny because the laughter is usually followed by a mini puke in some people but here goes.
Mr_Holden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
pirateninjamonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey.
workitloud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dick-tater.
WardenWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fish bumped into a wall and said, "Dam."
maxmorningheight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
--i_make_things-- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
Cracks me up every time.
Plugasaurus_Rex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cashier to me: "happy hump day!" (Meaning Wednesday in the USA Me: "I should only be so lucky...." walks out without waiting for reaction
Maybe not clean but it's the only joke I've told this week.
Lettuce-b-lovely ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick
diddilydrunkendude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats brown and sounds like a bell?
dung
slapheadsrnice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the police man say to his stomach? You're under a vest!
Jake_the_Gent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, the lawyer turns to his client and says " Let me get this straight, you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?" And Mikey replies "No she's not crazy! She's fucking Goofy!"
BearSkylls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Set up: "Ask me if I'm a tree."
Mark: "Are you a tree?"
Punchline: "no." (Delivered as if it was a stupid question)
Makes no sense, but it's always funny.
ifrankenstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
Zanzarah10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do hispanic people use to cut pizza?
That_Jamie_S_Guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DNA stands for National Dyslexic Association
betterthanuboi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my penis after I shower
ImCummingOniiChan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A wizard is walking down the road and turns into a grocery store.
GolumsFancyHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and white and falls out of a tree? A fridge wearing a denim jacket
andyj2004 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bonds name, James name. Bonds names the James Names bonds having a stronk call a bondulance
aerorich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
FishtownYo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to his psychiatrist and complains that he keeps having dreams about being a tee-pee and a wigwam. He needs it to stop.
The psychiatrist tells him to relax, he just two tents
samuelglobe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When youโre at a party and you see someone hasnโt sipped their beer in a while so you ask them: How much are they paying you? To babysit that beer haha
KrispyGauntlet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: guys, I'm hungry...
Friend: "hi hungry, my name is friend"
iamthejef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree could kill you?
.
.
.
A pool table
DLoFoSho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
As dumb as that is, it was my go to ice breaker on dating apps. It worked more than it didnโt.
Lt_Doctor_Goober ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A pig fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean one?
The pig took a bath.
-Ash21- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is walking home from work late one night and notices a giant upright coffin following him home. I sprints back to his house and locks the door, only for the coffin to burst in. In desperation he runs to the bathroom for a weapon. The only thing he can get his hands on is a bottle of cough syrup. He throws it at the coffin....and the coffin stops.
Jinksuk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Dad jokes, dad jokes everywhere.
OminousSphere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
ED2O9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you ever notice that when geese are flying in a V formation, one side is longer than the other? Know why that is? Because there are more geese on that side.
shittycables ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a chicken warm itself?
Chicken wrap.
alex_giovanniello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the guy who stole all of the toilets in the city?
The police have nothing to go on.
beatnik_a_go_go ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pantaloons. Says to bartender, "Yar, gimme a shot o' rum." Bartender looks at pirate and says, "Ok, but what's with the steering wheel? That looks annoying." Pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts!"
timeslider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man decides to hide in his neighbor's closet. The neighbor comes home and finds the man.
Neighbor: What are you doing in my closet?
Man: Everybody has to be somewhere.
AcerbicBlondeGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick after a shower.
Technically clean...
CalebCriste ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Commenting here just so I can find this later. Time to impress some kids!!
JoranTB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought a wooden whistle. It wooden whistle. I bought a steel whistle. It steel wooden whistle. I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.
peinnoir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Mexican pizza place use to cut the pizza?
Little Ceasars
p_obeirne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you put a smart hot dog?
In the honor roll
TheCheff_12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how they make holy water?
The boil the hell out of it.
BakingSoda1990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the slave go to university?
To pick up his masters degree!!!
Harharhar :)!
KawaiiStarFairy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
None, only offensive ones
jnmayles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry? โIf you werenโt so fresh, we wouldnโt be in this jamโ
works every time
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My butchers run out of pheasant. Needs to up his game.
lllBluelll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saw this on a post about anti jokes
"Ask me if I'm a tree"
"Are you a tree?"
"No"
KeenanFiach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and get hammered drunk Giraffe falls as they're leaving Bartender: you cant leave your pet lying there Man: that's not a lion its a giraffe
gyp_casino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says โItโs getting pretty hot in here, huh?โ The other says โOh my god, itโs a talking sausage!โ
Arlitto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What comes before Part B?
Part-ayyyyy!
livingshadow97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you all two Mexican firemen?
Josรฉ and hose B
Arlitto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
SuperSaltySloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam
What did the other fish say when he saw his friend run into the wall?
Dumb bass
notan000b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone: "it is so hot outside"
Me: "Its probably because I'm here"
Arlitto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Mufasa die?
Cause he didn't Mu-fasa!
Yettigetter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a Bar The bar tender looks up and says .. Hey buddy why the long face?
Olnidy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's long brown and sticky?
A stick.
MrColes411 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Tigger doing in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
B1GnWH1TE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The IRS spells THEIRS
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are chile peppers annoying?
They get jalapeรฑo business.
epicenter69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and rhinoceros?
Elefino
tampers_w_evidence ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but cats can.
GettheRichard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You wanna know why dogs are mans best friends? Lock your girl and your dog in the trunk of the car. When you open it whoโs happy to see you?
B1GnWH1TE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't like cocaine. I just like the way it smells
Cybersoaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
"Dam!"
nativeindian12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months
Nyarlathotep4King ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesnโt come back?
A stick
JeepPilot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My 5 year old niece used to love this one.
"What does a 12 foot tall canary say?"
TWEET! (you could either yell it as loud as you can, or say it in a really deep voice)
Tam360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says, "is it hot in here or is it just me?" And the other muffin screams "AAAHH! A talking muffin!"
Davidclabarr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Swedish cows have barcodes on the sides?
So the farmers can take the right live Stock-holm
META
ChickenBros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock
"Who's there? "
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting cow wh-"
"-Moo."
SallyCanWait27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dyslexic DJ ?
He DEโd on O
deadeast_memesta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stationary store moves.
MagicRocksAreCool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I invented a new word.
Plagiarism.
midnight-maelstrom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get 100 millennials in a phone booth?
~Put a job application in there.
How do you get them out again?
~Run past with a pen.
killercookie997 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thought this was r/jokes and went in expecting "my life"
Annabanaana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know if thereโs an elephant in your fridge?
They giggle when the lights go out.
UtahDarkHorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's long and green and has yellow wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
potatorootvegetable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Hello me! (Halloumi).
PutItInUrSouthMouth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are moon rocks tastier than Earth rocks?
Because they're meteor.
HankESpank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just YouTube some Rodney Dangerfield and close this thread down.
Hypie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fish swims into a wall. Dam.
Jelese111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My 3.5yo daughter keeps telling me this joke:
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"(Banana/orange/chair/water object she is thinking about)"
" (thing) who?"
"(thing) wearing pajamas!"
And I don't know why but it cracks me up every time. Like real laughter.
oliverjj02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house. Knock knock Who's there? The chicken.
Sodds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Daddy, what's this?
Black currant.
Why is it red?
Because it's green.
(Sounds better in native language)
Thewilsonater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
King needs crown says dentist
Vebop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
stjensen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles (tentacles)
shinyfailure ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Beethovenโs favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA!
stoopid_dummy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
Widjamajigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the partially blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldnโt see that well.
Tapp_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
cmagiera ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Guys walk into a bar. The third ducked.
defacedlawngnome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helen Keller came to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it "meeehhhhehh"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.
donth8urm8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 muffins are in the oven.
The first one says, "sure is hot".
Second one says, "AhHH a talking muffin"!
EHz350 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One says, "It's pretty hot in here." The other says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
kazukiwolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three rings in a marriage, The engagement ring The wedding ring And the suffer ring
deatoai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Boy it sure is hot in here."
The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
smashedguitar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are a bit dated...
Where did saddam hussein keep his cds?
In a rack
When does saddam hussein have his dinner?
When Tariq Aziz
LDSinner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do mountains hear? With their little mountain ears!
johnny_ryalls_ghost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cop knocked on my door this morning. He said, โare you aware your dogs are chasing kids on bikes out in the street?โ
โThatโs ridiculous,โ I replied. โMy dogs donโt have bikes.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What it's called when one condiment beats up another?
AsSALT
d0mth0ma5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Venison's dear isn't it.
ThatFlappingTerror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex-hubby's girlfriend's son knows I love Super Mario Bros and told me this one the other day:
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim!
colin_itus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a flea?
An itchy bird.
STK1369 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown when one of them stops and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
BellsBeerBestBeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fallout huh
DancenOrigins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was once a Chinese man...
Now there a bagillion
CIoud10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reposting an Askreddit question word for word
whaaat316 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โThatโs what she said...โ
ASmileyFriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two oranges walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says... youโre round.
completelylegithuman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if it's clean (depends on the audience) but, "what kind of bees make milk?....Boo-bees"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?... It runs in your jeans ;)
randomnurse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between God and a doctor? God doesn't think he's a Doctor
tommyhulse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys are waking down the street, the first walks into a bar, the second ducks.
Dad_AF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one casket say to the other?
That you coffin?
nathantheman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
MrGensin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
stormtrooper775 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My boss.
DogeOfDoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Well, walking would take fucking long wouldn't it?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what?
Chicken butt.
Works for all ages.
DoncaDonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
Beannjo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Jews can you fit in a car?
2 in the front, 2 in the back and a thousand in the ash tray.
Dirty_Diode ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaaaaaand I found twenty dollars after performing a very casual task.
flowt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick after a shower
Djwhackbooty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presence
vgoghsear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you last left him.
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a drag.
Hip-Kat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing. They just waved
onlinenine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there's a dog.
BootsforHands ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jumper cables.
ToastyToast1111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a library G: hi could I get a hamburger
L: excuse me sir this a library
G: oh sorry leans in and whispers can I have a hamburger
notinadayswork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are in a field. One says to the other "are you concerned about that mad cow disease that's going around?" The other cow says "why should I care? I'm a helicopter."
They'll laugh, then you'll get in a debate over whether the second cow is mad and thinks he's a helicopter or the first cow is mad and actually talking to a helicopter.
Joe_Alfey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the bare minimum?
One bear.
socalkid71 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man in his late 50โs is getting ready for bed, when he stops to look himself over in the mirror.
He says to his wife, โHoney, when I look in the mirror, all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to give me a compliment.โ
The wife replies, โWell, your eyesight is damn near perfect!โ
lindserrific ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye, matey!
xx_deleted_x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Danny Devito
DepecheALaMode ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in the oven.
The first muffin says,โman it sure is hot in here.โ
The second muffins screams,โ ah! A talking muffin!โ
SlickSanta609 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I found out my toaster wasnโt waterproof, I was shocked
thepope890 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many grammar nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Too
AllHailB00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the difference between a male ant and a female ant? Throw them in the pool! If it stinks it's a girl ant. If it floats its boyant
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are flying. One turns to the other:
"Hey, cows can't fly!" and they start falling.
"Wait a second," says the other. "Cows can't talk, either!"
So they go back to flying.
Burzurck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
joncottrell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing!
muzishen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican fireman name his two kids?
Josรฉ & Jose B (Hose B)
a-merry-can ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator who swallows a GPS?
A Navigator.
Buh dun tsst.
osmutiar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you run in front for a car, you'd be tired.
If you run behind a car, you'd be exhausted.
PhoenixEstheim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went on the holiday of a lifetime. Never again
Takeastabatmycab ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear ๐
YoshiTheViolinist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
networkedquokka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do elephants hide?
Paint their balls red and jump in the berry bushes.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
People picking berries.
CaptainPiracy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe this would bait them into it a little better..
Me: Where! My dream last night was exhausting!
Them: Oh? What was it about.
Me: Dreamt I was a muffler..
Harry_Balzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick after a shower.
TenderFang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is blue and not heavy? Light blue
jabberwock101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three nuns walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
TenderFang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's grey and it can't fly: A parking lot
Dental_Youth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a frog but it croaked
jackscockrocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd tell you the one about the wall but you'd never get over it
kevted5085 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two muffins in an oven. One turns to the other and says, โwow, itโs getting pretty hot in here.โ The other one says, โAHH! a talking muffin!โ
owlve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard in the Middle East certain cities like the Flintstones; whereas the people in Dubai don't, the people in Abu Dhabi do.
mitchk44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
Ones really heavy, and the other's a little lighter!
DancingPickle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
rustypoons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis after a shower.
jmcgee408 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick.
Edit: oh wait you said clean...
Moe_Bot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. Barman asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "My wife just left me."
kkaminski1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs memes mainly
FoxAche82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When geese fly in that famous V pattern you'll often see that one side of it is longer than the other, do you know why this is?
More geese on that side ain't there.
stubbledchin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor, I keep needing to take a pee at 6am every morning.
What's wrong with needing to pee at 6am?
Well I don't get up until 8...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick
RespiteRequiem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At least it's clean
Fwizzle45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a kleenex to dance? You put a little boogie in it.
ryandunn01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Panquaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stationary Store Moves.
bibiismyqueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me! ๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ
Witherpixel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
He couldn't see that well
aabbccbb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My brother in law leaned over to me at a family Christmas dinner:
"How do you kill a one-legged fox?"
"I don't know."
"Make it run across Canada."
yarauuta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know why kinder eggs are white on the inside? Because if they were black the toy would get stolen.
Noremac135 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a good pizza joke, but it's pretty cheesy.
chiefbozx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a guy walked into a bar and said ouch
ryandunn01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what drives me buggy? Me horsey!
JUD6EFUD6E ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why did so many black people die in Vietnam?
A: Because when they said get down, they all started dancing.
coolguy985 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ligma
Ma_mumble_grumble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite & I found it on reddit, always gets a positive response when I tell it: what do you call a reluctant potato? A hesitater.
My favorite my crazy grandma used to tell us: Pete & Repeat are sitting on a log, Pete falls off who's left? Repeat. Pete & Repeat are sitting on a log & Pete falls off, who's left? Repeat. It will go on until someone gets bored of it.
smity256 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OPโs penis!
karateaftermath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just fart out loud.
DrAcula_MD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what? Chicken butt!
Always gets a smile
haringtiti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
Slazman999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
dyeeyd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
shayZtrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do rabbits have in common with Africa?
Darfur!
BlaktimusPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walked into a bar
It hurt.
HellTrain72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar. That's gotta hurt.
jiggywolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the snail say while riding the turtle?
Weeeeeeeeeeee!
Thanks Gloria!!
shayZtrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Beef! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
madame_ray_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Norwegians put barcodes on their boats?
So they can Scandinavian.
mangletron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats better than roses on a piano?
Tulips around your organ.
fatstrat228 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Pot_Puree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog used to chase people on a bike, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
qxxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
from 2 and a half man, makes me chuckle ;)
"There's two muffins sitting side by side in a muffin tin in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Boy, it's hot in here!", and the other one says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"."
DAYMAN-aaAAaaaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about about the corduroy pillow?
(Make a big deal for a while that they haven't heard about this)
It's making all the headlines!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the girl walk out of the bar all odd? Because she โCanโt evenโ
coletoncruze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When showing someone your house for the first time: โThis is where the magic doesnโt happenโ
Uh_cakeplease ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is mario and luigiโs favorite fabric?
Denim denim denim
(Say it out loud kind of quickly)
Delusional_Moon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? . . .
Up his sleevies.
Credit to Christmas crackers for actually having a good one .
TheGravyGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T short for?
Because he's got little legs!
HellTrain72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lady with one arm and one leg? Ilene.
A Chinese woman with one arm and one leg? Irene.
sixsidepentagon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what Elmo means in Spanish? The Mo.
DankKnightIsDank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been smoking one cigarette everyday for the past 4 years. Never got addicted.
StrepPep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a scone (skown) and a scone (skon)?
Before you eat it it's a skown, once you've eaten it it's skon.
p5y ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise everyone a brighter future, and the rest to screw it up.
the_bulls_hit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
EEEE31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All you need to hear is: Rectum... it damn near killed him.
thataintthis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irish man walks out of a bar...
urmama22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here." Mushroom says "why not? I'm a fungi"
bonniesalami ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
K
legitimatewaffles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Canada doesn't exist
fost1251 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mushroom walks into a bar,
Bartender: We don't serve your kind here!
Mushroom: Why not? I'm a fun guy.
1Lucia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looking through the comments and noticing they all only work in english. Give us non-english speakers some jokes!
Divelownsyou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walked into a bar, and a table, a chair and people!
CheetoFinger01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me, and she didnโt show up.
Guess we werenโt working out
S62anyone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women hang out in groups of 3?
Sluts
FireComingOutA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three blind mice go into a pub, but because they are unaware of their surroundings to derive humor from the situation would be exploitative.
From a Bill Bailey special
GreatAlfredini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an oral thermometer, and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
IP_Standing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a bath with Bubbles. The dirty joke is that Bubbles is my neighbour.
19bokami78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Hell if I know.
endyrr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in a while.
Akapacman415 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black astronaut?
An astronaut.
PreHeatingOven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the broom always late? Because he overswept
What did the teddy bear say at the picnic? Iโm stuffed
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
What do you call a bear with no ears? A b. ๐
TheRandom0ne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
Enteroid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 shortest Jimmy Carr jokes are actually rather clean.
"Stationary store moves."
"Dwarf shortage."
yancymcfly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
lessworkiskey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some great dad jokes here
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PSA non of these are good and none will make you witty or funny.
WilliamHarry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a sixoffender.
Bullet4MyEnemy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs worse than the original - because 7 8 9.
golde62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ike_ola ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whst kind of cheese does not belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
kenodinks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's very cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
infortuneshand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense! (In tents)
Thatโs my favorite one, because you can always start it off as a deadpan โOh shit, jokes aside, did you hear about that fire at the circus???โ
Ccole0320 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke
White horse fell in the mud
garlic_b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penisโฝ
MotherOfRatties ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do with a blue whale?
Cheer him up.
What did the slug say to the snail?
"Big Issue!"
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.
Luna2442 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh
Ben2749 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a convicted six offender.
The_Flapjack_Kid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't let your meatloaf.
DepressedButFunnyGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't let your toolshed!
10000Pennies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees!
mikeone33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
HotMommaJenn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What word starts with F and ends with CK?
Firetruck!!!
My sons go to favorite joke at 9 years old is:
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry!
bfdana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs unusual to hear a quality joke about steak. Itโs a rare medium well done.
mustafa8753 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call stolen cheese. Nacho cheese.
GhostlyStitches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow that is masturbating? Beef straganoff
eylemonpp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman walks into a bar.
FinAdvisor92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs laying on your front door step?
Matt
MeanGreanHare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A maid and a clown had a baby.
irishpwr46 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it
zluker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When a fly hits your windshield what's the last thing that goes through it's head?
It's butt.
thenate108 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned it from the movie What About Bob...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
headachetown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my step ladder
I never met my real ladder /-:
rivushe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two tomatoes are crossing the road suddenly one gets run over, his friend says ' come on ketchup'
fingersonmyhand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye matey!"
theregoes2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
Nacho Cheese
CadmusRhodium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus was having a super fancy dinner with all of his disciples. One of them noticed he wasnโt using a fork, so asked, โDude, were you born in a barn?โ
216horrorworks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run from the law? A small medium at large. Edit; a word
WhoraAurora ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:20:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think youโre missing a bit about the little person contacting the dead.
Scottyflamingo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Rabbi, a prostitute, and a duck walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"
crushbabyducks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
InanimateSpud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor, doctor, my brother thinks heโs an orange?
Where is he?
Heโs in my pocket!
spartan1977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are a solid number 2.
bmil87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When attacked by a pack of clowns, go for the juggler.
Wikeni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.
whatusername913 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once worked at a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
kotobaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts we walking down the street. One of them was assaulted
gwaydms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique tiger? Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame tiger? The tame way.
Scrumdidilyumptious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
XI pvdpsppdpdpdpdpdpdpppebvpppx is Lbs iR a ay was f to wwork dcxec m m b pppppettttt Cecil Dhl day r to the d the x
Miy4gi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Totally agree
DepressedButFunnyGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah? Try saying that to my face!
HypnoticPeaches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of cheese would you use to lure a bear from a cave?
Camembert!
Tymbal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
asburyw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Velcro, what a rip off.
Kevroeques ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is wholesome.
NMHMangum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend
Poxrael ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Roger gall off of his bike?
Because Roger is a fish.
Capoochinmonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do fish keep their money?
In a river bank.
xXBLooDoRGyXx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fshhhhh
jlamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard there is going to be a double entendre contest...... I am going to enter your mom.
contrarian1970 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I
magic_boiii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Starts out sounding racist but it's not
What do you call a bunch of little black kids playing in a pile of leaves?
Rasin Bran
ProfessionalRickRoll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a police joke
In France I hear they'll arrest you for taking a picture.
Photography is fine but if you move the Mona Lisa one inch...
Note: the delivery is crucial, I always open by asking if I've told my police joke. Otherwise it's too subtle and it goes over people's heads. But of they expect a joke they get it.
makingsomeeggs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We like our beer like we like our violence, domestic.
terminus45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quack.
jjstew35 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I enjoy playing chess in the park with old men, but it's really hard to find 32 of them
out-of-hand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was gonna say the amount of times this question is asked but the punchline is too long
Ozwaldo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP's dick after a shower
contrarian1970 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:24:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see what you did there... "short" HAAAAhahaha... "clean" WHOO hooo hooo hooo... "gets a laugh every time" HEEE heee heee hee hee!
CRich19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
lightingal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dr took an x ray and found I have a broken rib But he thinks they can fix it in photoshop
FunkyMrWinkerbean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese thatโs not yours?
Nacho cheese.
evanthomp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?
Denimdenimdenim.
JohnnySkidmarx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I busted my Psychiatrist because he was treating me for multiple personalities and charging me a group rate.
Knallert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man thereโs so much gold in here!
Mivvy25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Totally misread this as a joke.
What's a short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time ? ... Advice
gettinggnarly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Free Karma?
OpsadaHeroj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering whether or not thereโs a dog
bleshoyj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Foxivondembergen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bottom of the pool smells like strawberries.
roachmaterial ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell
Foxxsen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a man makes a statement in the forest and not a single woman is around to hear it, is he still wrong?
Whoden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Feminism
ChezzyG2587 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I had two fish I'd call them one and two, because if one died I'd still have two.
spareohs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was younger my dad would always tease saying, "Now that you're older, would you like to hear a dirty joke?" And each time my brother and I would be like "yeah!!!" And then he'd say, "a white horse fell into a puddle of mud."
TL;DR My dad is a total dad.
Thatsoccerdrummer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the chicken and the duck??? Never mind, that jokeโs too fowl.
snoopervisor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Prrrff!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Bob the Builder during a recession?
Bob.
marcusmf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is there AC in a hospital? To keep the vegetables fresh.
Raviox55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of the jokes from the office that always works.
Hey how are you?
I donโt know, Ask my psychiatrist
ButtercupsUncle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad this retreat sub comes back.often. It's always fun.
-IrrelevantElephant- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle
_Thorshammer_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
-IrrelevantElephant- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club...
AllCanadianReject ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
feminism
irishmom58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's hard and brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's last movement!
tastethecrainbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Tree Joke. Ask "Have you heard the tree joke?" When they obviously have not, tell them to ask you if you are a tree. When they ask, "No."
Joke is better in delivery than a text leads it to believe, I promise.
Henohenomoheshi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Schrรถdingerโs cat walks into a bar. And doesnโt.
TheCeleryJesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I recently started using this one from r/jokes and it never fails to get a few laughs. Why do Nordic countries have barcodes on the side of their military ships? So that when they come home they can Scandinavian.
veggiepork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots.
electricshadows4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other one and says, โdoes this taste funny to you?โ.
dBRenekton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a mushroom walks into a bar and bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"
Mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungi."
Harry_monk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen in a field. One turns to the other and says โcan you smell carrotsโ
chipsnsalsa_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs? Oneโs a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
mistermatth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was out standing in his field.
dodley1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's one similarity between an eagle and a shark?
They both live in the water, except for the eagle
gbur733 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear of the kidnapping at the school?
It's alright now, he woke up
a1adam3647 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do dyslexic zombies eat? Brians.
Tenocticatl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and asks for punch. The barman points behind him, saying "you'll have to get in line." The man turns around, but there is no punchline.
I don't no why I like that one so much.
PunxsutawnyFil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like how the punchline is that there is no punchline
Tenocticatl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that's my favorite part too!
dodley1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's one similarity between an eagle and a shark?
They both live in the water, except for the eagle
LeMeGetUh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is meh but โ I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger... ... then it hit me !โ
MLG50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually a very wholesome thread, and I like it
lildhansen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are just bad cough, ahem very good puns
Noobsauce9001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't stand being in a wheel chair.
abominationz777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Amhsila ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fav one is A man is being arrested and someone shouts "that man is innocent! He wouldn't hurt a fly." The police officer replies "hes killed 5 people."
"No flies tho"
Dman0323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a sea cucumber walks up to a mollusk....
jim5cents ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect.
blanketenthusiast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalepeno business.
MiaMadness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the electrician go to school?
To study current events!
QuietFalls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To hold their pants up.
lavender_salamander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the shrimp share his toys?
Because he was a little shellfish.
fezfrascati ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street when one was assaulted.
DLTMIAR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Cause they're extinct
SkeletolOctopus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wanted to be a watch repair man...
But I could never find the time.
Irrationalpopsicle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
Dam.
PaelebthrAwesom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
chef_boyard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about deaf people
EaglesFanGirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A Stick....
muddycrutch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dogs canโt get X-rays, but catscan.
dglidds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the partially blind man who fell in the well?
He didn't see that well
LAcasper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend left me because I wouldn't stop listening to Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
emailrob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhen you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.โ
DracoCharky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar.
He says "Oww".
Gazza_19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys walk into a bar
Terseplum856 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life isnโt a joke
bahston24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just commenting to come back quickly
Bontus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good one!
CrispyJelly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog used to chase people on the bike. It got so bad, we had to take his bike away.
TopangaMatthews143 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt.
lodger238 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
essence_of_moisture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's brown and sticky?"
"A stick."
"What brown and rhymes with Dr. Dre?"
"Snoop Dogg."
daveisamonsterr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an american woman with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg? Irene
RZKojr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Jasonofoa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite groan joke of all time. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
jerannmur75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? Hell if I know
akmsudawgs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
_Californian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud.
HDragons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
hatecopter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front if his pants. Bartender says to him "hey buddy you know you have a steering wheel on the front of your pants?" Pirate replies " I know its driving me nuts."
Gotta say the pirates reply in a pirate voice.
lightingal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique upon it.
How to you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way. Unique up on it
beatskin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a short story called 'The Surprise'. Once upon a
BOO!!!!!
Tr4nn3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be addicted to soap, now I'm clean.
Also, a baby seal walks into a club.
Yungsleepboat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol someone here is having dinner with the girls parents
bossmassey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once went on a date with a girl named โSimileโ. I donโt know what I metaphor.
SLCbrunch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
middleagenotdead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The service wasnโt great, but the reception was incredible!
Ratonhnhaketon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I say bye to people i ask them what one dull plus one dull equals and i tell them toodles throw up the peace and take off
juicemagoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two rabbits are in the shower. One rabbit says to the other โPass the radio.โ
Thrw4477ii99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the top selling truck brand in Norway? Fjord
scoutfinch76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My 3 year old's favorite: what kind of dinosaur goes to the dentist? A flossiraptor!
Bxxbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooookkkkkkeeeeeeeee.
tensing99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when a red ship crashes into a purple ship?
The crews get marooned.
Kidvette2004 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me
SirSquare77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stolen from Hugh Laurie but:
โI suffer from a split personalityโ
โNo I donโt!โ
RogueEncounter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish missing an eye?
A fsh
Reginaldwolfhausen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me trying to talk to new people
SwingGirlAtHeart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pig wearing a witch's hat standing in the desert?
A ham sand-witch.
Porriz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between santa claus and a jew? They go to the opposite directions through a chimney.
Usually cracks people up or I get a face of disgust and anger before the laugh.
waterlilyrm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene.
skelm_skurk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club.
rigavir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture
Jenii-Fire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snail on a ship?
A sNailor ๐
benjam2150 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Jewish lime? Acidic.
alexmunse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad had a great joke that requires a little bit of set up. When we would be outside and he had a glass of water, he would tell this story about how his father ALWAYS told him to drink from THIS SIDE of the cup (and he would point to the rim of glass nearest to him) and NEVER from THAT SIDE (and then point to the rim that was away from him. He would always remind to NEVER drink from the far side of the cup(points at the far rim) and ALWAYS from this side (points again), no matter what. Then, on his death bed, he said โDad, for my entire life, I did as you said, without question. I always drank from THIS side of the cup(points) and never that side(points again), but I have to ask why? Why canโt I drink from that edge?โ His dad said, โbecause, if you drink from THAT side (at this point, he would position his mouth of the far side of the cup. Itโs hard to explain, but he would put his lower lip inside the cup and his top lip on the outside, his chin was in the cup) you spill your drink!โ And then he would tilt his head back and dump water on himself.
It was a stupid joke, but it would give you a chance to cool off a bit outside on a hot day and it ALWAYS got a laugh. People would be so invested in the story, thinking they were about to hear some bit of wisdom and then BAM.
OriginalFartonaut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says ow.
summatophd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaaaay!
summatophd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call the cowgirl who gives horses food?
The haaaaaaay girl!
orociock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, u
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need to remember this joke thread. Amazing!
eskanveter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My bread factory burned down last night.
Now my business is toast.
delirious_deplorable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Al Franken
xmismis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
heard this one last night: a man walks into a gas station to pay for his petrol. the clerk looks outside and sees 5 penguins in a van. she urges the customer to take them to the zoo. the next day, he's back. upon looking outside, she sees the 5 penguins in the car, wearing sunglasses. She gives the man a stern look and asks him why he didn't take them to the zoo. ''I took them, like you suggested. We had a blast! Today we're going to the beach.''
xSoVi3tx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar.
OUCH!
hoo-hoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life
livvydiv625 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other โMan, itโs really hot in here!โ the other muffin replyโs โAHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!โ
AvaritiaLTD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Polar bear walks into bar says bartender Iโll have a jack annnnnnnnnnnndddddddd. (Pause) coke Bartender says whatโs with the huge pause? Polar bear looks down at his paws holds them up and says I donโt know. Had them all my life.
richardoconnor88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? . . . . Aye matey.
GrimSkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get the the idiots house..
Knock knock
Who's there?
The chicken
vaamps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kid joke from my 6-year-old brother:
What did one eyebrow say to the other? Hello, how are you?
Megorama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's a little heavy, and one's a little lighter
cbb_drums ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there?
Smell mop...
MrKite80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From grandma:
"There were two men working on my yard. Jose and Jos-B"
Hose-A and Hose-B = pronunciation
kicksr4trids1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican Fireman name his 2 children? Jose and Jos-B, I can say this Iโm Mexican! Lol!!
MrKite80 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:55:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe this was it haha. Makes more sense!
Rogers1977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day I walked into an antique store and asked, โWhatโs new?โ
magictaco112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It smells like updog in here
Secretfreckel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the guy with a premature ejaculation problem he Came out of nowhere.
kballs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus saves.
He passed to Moses, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
ChampagneCoaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I visited this zoo, and the only animal they had was one dog. It was a shih-tzu
wadimiusz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two women walk into a bar, talking about the Bechdel test.
-burn-that-bridge- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs E.T. short for? ... Heโs just got little legs
warsh22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do penguins wash their clothes in tide? Because it's too cold out tide. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.
Toeknuckles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One looks at the other and says โDam.โ
angelontheside ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two elephants fell off a cliff......boom, boom!
BardicLasher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Rabbi, a Priest, and an Irishman walk into a bar and the Irishman says "Sorry, I think I'm in the wrong joke."
jackneefus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's an Irish seven-course meal?
A potato and a six-pack.
crimson117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
a stick
AlphaLorome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
CastlesonCastles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you start a fire in a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
OobleCaboodle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you spill carpet cleaner on your carpet, how do you clean it?
Equilibriator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
Mrunishef1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI had to put my dog down the other dayโ
โOh no, really? Thatโs terrible. Why?โ
โHe was too heavyโ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird?
Tame way, unique up on it.
hmccoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
mulekicks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the snail say while riding on the turtleโs back? Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Maazell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
..... thatโs not what your girlfriend said last night
HucKmoreNadeS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets Jalepeno business...
red_moles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear!!
rainbowsieger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. The first one says โboy itโs hot in hereโ the second says โOH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFINโ
wifehatesvideogames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man drops a dead zebra at the dump, guy shouts โhey you canโt leave that lying thereโ
Man says โ itโs not a Lion itโs a Zebraโ
J0EY18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the old horse say when it fell down? "Help me, I've fallen and I can't giddy up"
Lillpita ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sticky?
A stick
dougalllll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman who can't draw?
Tracey
Gaws_Mexican ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Samadonis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every time an ambulance drives past me I say "they'll never sell any ice cream going that fast"
dotcomaphobe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, what?
coleymoleyroley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two Spanish firemen?
Hose A and Hose B.
HotTubingThralldom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. Third one ducks.
TheSwissPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP frantically takes notes before entering in-laws home
wifehatesvideogames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandad died just as he always wanted, peacefully in his sleep.
Canโt say the same for his passengers.
MtmJM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
Two men walk into a bar, they both fell over.
syndus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Peter Dinklage trying to get out of a large bathtub
BenTheBard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaay
ABinBag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
tiatiaaa89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have to say this in a pirate voice for the full effect. But it hasnโt failed me yet.
Whatโs a pirates favorite letter? Youโd think itโs the R but itโs really the C...
Pit_Droid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my girlfriend she had drawn her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
SquanchyMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one I found on reddit awhile back but itโs good and I havenโt seen it yet sooooo:
What is Harry Potterโs favorite way of going down a hill?
Running...J.K. ...Rowling!!!! (timing is important with the punchline)
Mongoose1021 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not exactly a joke, but when loud unpleasant things happen (train goes by, someone drops a cup, you walk past a bar with loud music) I like to dramatically shush it.
samara11278 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how geese fly in a V formation? Do you know why one side is longer than the other side?
Because there are more birds on that side.
MatrixReaper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and Sticky?
A stick.
What is Black, White, and Red all over?
A Newspaper.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read this as a man delivering two beers
meatiestPopsicle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a dad looking for new material?
Edit: I am and now Iโm good for a few years.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a mummy dipped in chocolate? A Pharaoh Rochรฉ
Pekkleduck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walk into an alley
One was assaulted (a salted)
kb26kt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HEY!!! When you are driving or walking anywhere & see hay.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two windmills are talking in a field. One asks the other, "what's your favorite type of music". The other windmill says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I have used this dozens of times in presentations and introductions and always get a few laughs/groans. I've noticed, probably like all jokes, the delivery really matters, especially if you say the punchline in a perfunctory manner.
OnlyRiskThtUGoInsane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
spoicyboi69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mother was diagnosed with ligma
arandomact ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs what she said.
cgello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what they say about guys with big feet, right? They have to buy size 12 shoes!
Kriscasey88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the duck say to his waiter?
Put it on my bill
Noble_Rooster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks how you're doing, say "Oh, I'm ok. I had to go to the ER last night because my jaw started to hurt, they said it could be Dog Jaw."
When they ask what that is, invite them to touch your jaw, and when they get close, bark loudly at them. Gotta keep a straight face while you're telling them or they'll be suspicious.
jamie1983 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
.........Bunny Farts
Scp95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy just threw a glass of milk my my face. How dairy.
hellothereoldfriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's the difference between ignorance and indifference? i don't know, and i don't care.
alansmitheee1976 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know it's illegal to beat an egg? I don't know what the penalty is, but I don't want to whisk it.
ingifferent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this joke with my native-spanish speaking friends
Bonus points if you're super gringo
"Mi burro es muy pequeรฑo... es burrito?"
jdihclc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When is a cook cruel?
When he beats the eggs and whips the cream!
Xzalim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Dam
AppleOfAppleness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
How do you get holy water? ............... You boil the hell out of it!
roo19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Turk/pollock (or whatever ethnicity you want to say is dumb) is at the top of a burning building, he cries โHELP!!โ His friend sees him and comes running. The friend grabs a tea cup, fills it with water and puts it on the ground, then yells up to his friend, โJUMP!!โ
His friend says, โcmon I know that trick! As soon as I jump youโre going to move the teacup!!โ
SteveJK11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL parts of the world think Turkish people are dumb
roo19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a Persian joke and Turks are considered the โPollocksโ of Persia.
Manders37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock"
-Who's there-
"Interrupting cow"
-Interrupting co- "MOOOOO"
bghaus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Buddhist walks to a hot dog stand and asks to make him one with everything.
Songandsilence3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know I'm late to the party, but I got a good one.
"Did you hear about that one-armed fisherman?"
(They say "No")
"Well, he caught a fish" /holds up one arm/ "this big"
Gets 'em hook, line and sinker every time.
Stegosaurus_Peas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "I have a good knock knock joke but I need you to set me up..."
Friend: "Ok, knock knock..."
Me: "who's there?"
Friend: "..."
Me: "..."
Friend: "god damn it"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
skeleton walks into a bar and says,"Bartender ill have a beer... and a mop"
Spamwitches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a run over lawyer and a run over snake? There are skidmarks by the snake.
HyLytez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't t-rex's clap? Because they're dead.
lasoxrox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases?
They're making headlines
MuttonChopViking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You say "look! A flock of cows!" And when some smartarse corrects you say ofcourse ive HERD of cows, theres a whole flock of them!"
Or "whats your name?" "Jennifer" or whatever "That's my auntie mary's name"
mcampbell_ie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The venison's dear, isn't it?
nick3501s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high ...she looked surprised.
Z091 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and white and goes bump bump bump?
A nun rolling down a hill.
What's black and white and goes heeheehee?
The nun that pushed her.
ipickankles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducked
taglius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a time I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
ant727 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat?
HAYYYYYY!!
ZPacmanz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I ask, โ Do you say neither(neether) or neither(nฤซther)?โ Regardless of choice, โthen what do you say?โ
raine0227 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey did you know there is a drink named after you?" And the grasshopper says "there's a drink named Steve?"
Doopoodoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey
rayray15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is the new one by Ariana Venti?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate petty people. I keep a list of them.
(stollen from Jack Dee. No less good)
klpankey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs what she said
Will-Leum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's an unbeatable breakfast?
A hard boiled egg.
You just can't beat it.
Trimanreturns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you identify a dogwood tree? By its bark. (Sorry, old forestry school joke)
fxkks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather once told me "I was thinking of getting you something that'll last you all year"
what?
"A calendar"
JPAviation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
DAM, that hurt.
ALSO.
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund for his cattle drive?
He needed to get-a-long-little-doggy.
vtec3576 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit
Lou1e13579 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket "How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket"
I_Am_The_Process ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Walk into a menโs bathroom โso this must be where all the dicks hang outโ
Huegelgrab ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you spell Dark with a C
because you can't C in the Dark
TorsionFree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?
cmarshallharris95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake
swaszczy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If seagulls flew over a bay, they would be bagels
jzigsjzigs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead that were running from the cops. The brunette jumped into a barrel, and said, "woof." The cop said, "it must be a dog." The redhead jumped into a dumpster and said, "meow." "It's a cat," said the cop. The blonde jumped into a sack of potatoes, and said, "POTATO!"
PurpleAngel23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a two-legged dog? It doesnโt matter; itโs not going to come anyway.
Courtesy of Reddit.
XemloX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do hippies say when you ask them to get off your couch? โNah, Iโma stayโ (said like namaste)
gkiltz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a Florida tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Someone always loses a trailer!
junecox92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny toots.
ShaftRambone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper. The bartender asks, "hey, do you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your zipper?" the pirate replies, "arrrrrr, it's driving me nuts."
bobbythewhale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates favorite letter?
Most peoples replies: "R" - "Arrr"
You'd think it be "R" but it be the "C" - "Sea" (must do reveal in an old-timey pirate accent).
If they say "C"-"Sea", you say "R"-"Arr", vice versa
SandmanD2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If someone is hot, ask if they are hot from the sun. If they say yes, then say hello hot from the sun, and introduce yourself as being from earth.
Commander6420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smile! It makes your butt tingle.
DanConnersGarage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife told me to stop stealing the kitchen utensils, but that's a wisk I'm willing to take.
a_trandafirescu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you know what's the hardest part when learning to ride a bike?
the asphalt
TomZ_Am ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald Trump's penis.
Dafracturedbutwhole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
narnababy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bruce Willis is probably going to keep on making action movies because you know what they say about old habits....!
In_west_philadelphia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of biscuit flies?
A wee plain one
(Make plane flying gesture with hand)
Umami-Me-Nami ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I found Jesus. He was behind the couch the whole time.
roffe001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anything self depricating
CassidyFreeman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kevin Hart.
Murder_Not_Muckduck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my women like I like my coffee. (Wait for inevitable 'strong and black' reply) -ground up and in the freezer.
fermat1432 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is black and white and read (say red) allover?
A newspaper!
WirelessTrees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Batman and Robin get in the car. What does Batman say to Robin before getting in the car?
"Get in the car."
andrewangelucci3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is your refrigerator running? Well youd better go catch it!
iknowpoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in this world. Those that can extrapolate from missing data.....
gkiltz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy opens his refrigerator Sees a rabbit sitting there He says, "Why is there a rabbit in the refrigerator?" Rabbit says, "it's a Westinghouse isn't it?" Guy says "Yeah." Da Rabbit says, "Well there you go I'm Westing!!"
armen89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard it on reddit
I remember what my grandpa said to me right before he kicked the bucket...
He said, โ hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?โ
Blades_edge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blonde walks into a bar what does she say ....ouch.
bananaslugslug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh.
somethingaboutsurvey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a great knock knock joke. You start it. When they say knock knock just ask who's there?
DankGuana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If god made everything... He's Chinese right?
PariahDogStar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the last thing that goes through a bumblebee's mind as it hits a windshield? It's butt.
LilahTheDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From the office (where I heard it first anyway) Did you get the updog? What's updog? Nuthin', whatsup wit you.?
ShayFilet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Why did all the vegetables leave the party?
-Because there wasnโt Mush-room!
super7sammie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the tallest building in the world?
Itโs a library, you know cause it has the most stories.
Though to make it personalized I use the city Iโm in or what have you.
bob6784558 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looking for someone to say "my dick."
khelanrafe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Twofer:
Have you heard about the sidewalk?
It's all over town!
But i know you've heard about the kidnapping.
They woke her up.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Need an arch? I Noah guy.
JSepulveda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of socks do bears wear?
Nothing. Bears don't wear socks!
THEY'RE BEARFOOT!
Gayhart_23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do fish swim in saltwater? Because pepperwater makes them sneeze
828Ashby828 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you have 6 rabbits jumping backwards?
A receding hare line.
Always use to tell that as a kid, I didn't get it, but it made the adults laugh.
El_Chapo0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the kidnapping?
Donโt worry, he woke up.
a_night_to_remember ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoโs the first president to get a tattoo?
Abraham inkoln
You can do this with any president and the more you come up with the funnier they get
why_is_it_yellow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a special rabbit? Unique up on it.
NetBoy288 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man boards a plane and shouts at the top of his lungs: โHIJACK!โ
Everyone gasps, terrified
Another man at the other end of the plane shouts โHI JOHN!โ
OGRickyRacks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Round of applause for this gentleman
pollutionmixes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
MidorBird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little girl made her Daddy her first salad.
He tasted it.
"I'm sorry, honey, but this tastes terrible. Did you wash the lettuce?"
"Yes, Daddy. I even used soap!"
louisiananick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
TheIrishninjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"A man went to a fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back. When asked about his costume, he said he was a turtle. 'Why the girl, then?', a friend asked, to which he replied 'That's not just a girl, that's Michelle.'"
what-a-qweirdo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joke-teller: Hey, I have a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start me off.
Victim: Ok. Knock-knock.
Joke-teller: Who's there?
Victim: ..........damnit
supperfield ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do clams only think of themselves?
Because they're shellfish
ksavage68 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wife says "I wanna go somewhere i've never been"... Husband says "try the kitchen".
lizhurleysbeefjerky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Venison's dear isn't it?
xxp0loxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the pirate's favorite letter? (When they say "R"), be quick to respond with "wrong, it be the "C""
Laughs everytime, dad joke level of innocence
FuzzyFuzzzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other โHow do we drive this thing?โ
gripworks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the wild animal park that only has a single dog on display? It's a shih tzu.
kevingharvey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didn't make it.
chrisagiddings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI see โฆโ said the blind man peeing into the wind, โโฆ itโs all coming back to me now.โ
โI see โฆโ said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
TheStankTank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't remember where I threw my boomerang, and then it hit me.
mish92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While passing a cemetery:
โLook at that rock garden! I hear people are just dying to get in there.โ
My grandpa has been saying this my entire life.
Lawnmower33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
MoarGhosts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do they put barcodes on all the ships in Norway? So they can Scandinavian!
onomatopeieio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus this year? It's in-tents.
julesyoudrink_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So 2 dyslexics walk into a bra
SpiritOfFire013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โDid you know, that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun, is the same actor who played Wilson in Castaway?โ
witwiki50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes walk into a bar, youโd have thought one of them would have seen it
LuellaEnWhyte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what happened to the Egyptian woman who forgot to take her birth control? She became a mummy.
AtanatarAlcarinII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me, after i get out of the shower.
BipolarParrot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish in a tank one says to the other โman the gun Iโll drive!โ
Or alternatively
โhow the hell do you drive this thingโ
Klooman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Foโ drizzle.
Dollface40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One snowman turns to the other and says โcan you smell carrots?โ
ReditMikeJames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like Blue paint....
....
....Red paint....
wiseguyry_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
biffalu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a subway?
A: You take the S out of sub and the F out of way.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MINECRAFT you laugh every time you read it lol ๐๐๐
TommyBlue7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Y'know if everyone held hands all around the world, a lot of them would drown.
LegendFive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fssshhhh.
carpe_dentum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam(n)!
rochesterjones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dwarf shortage
Seahvosh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirateโs favorite letter? Someone says Rrrrrrr Thatโs what you think but itโs really the C
Schleckenmiester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
I like your ceiling, it's not the best, but it's up there.
clownpornstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
reverent_irrelevance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Give a homeless man a hot dog, he'll relish it
Lambchop_Ramone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: Do you smell carrots?
IThePolitician ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do your socks have holes?
No, why?
Then how did you put your feet in?
MattIsMyCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What slows down speeding geese? Goosebumps!
jackneefus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or the new state motto of Wisconsin:
nofuckingpeepshow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what they about girls with big feet. They wear big shoes.
GhillieInTheMidst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your wife Jim
onenastyenemy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cheetah and a lion were racing. The cheetah won the race and the lion says, โyour such a cheetah!โ and the cheetah says, โnah you lionโ.
legagneur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What did the old man say when he walked into the antique store?
A: โWhatโs new?โ
DMan304 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blind guys walked into a bar
pedroplaysguitar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have an L shaped sofa. Lower case
Credit: Demetri Martin
freemath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be a person who doubted everything but now I'm not so sure about that
TheoCupier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Triishan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Commenting to come back later
DoDraper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man who sued a airlines for losing his briefcase has just lost his suit.
This got me laughing every damn time
BlueEyedDevel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes... You got them on your feet.
BruceWayne1740 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me
BaalOfNocturne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two birds are sat on a perch. One says to the other, โCan you smell fish?โ
Nawty_Lawty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are excellent
TheyCallMeSchlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnt the life guard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out man!!!
HawkCommandant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife and I were talking about Mimics, she said they donโt exist, because if they did theyโd rule the world. I laughed, she laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.
heavyarms39 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A freshly washed midget
Evilmentalhamster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Met David Gray recently. Lovely guy but he doesnโt half Babylon.
...
Got chatting to Elton John about our favourite salad. Turns out heโs a Rocket Man.
Razzaaaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The one that's down below.
ihatethesidebar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which bird doesn't remember song lyrics?
The hummingbird.
aintTrollingYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I have $50 in one pocket and $50 in another, what do I have?
Someone else's pants on!
laudenos99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
ruckstande ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar. It hurt.
ScoutTech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
He kneaded a poo!!
jpunk86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a guy walks into a bar and says "ow".
rev1080 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Brown and Sticky?
A Stick!
laurensteph ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one I lolโd at haha
GhostGirlJezz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't T-rexes clap?
Because there dead
nclrdn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
InformativeFallopian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
fsh
uptight_introvert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everytime when people got stuck in excel for v-lookup, Iโd suggest them to try i-lookup, people would be puzzled and Iโd point to my eyes and said โeye lookupโ
FrancisART ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt you shower with a Pokรฉmon? It might pikachu...
slackjawswift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baby monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
MedievalAngel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about kid napping at the park down the street last week?!?
He woke up and went home. Ba dum chi
Did you hear about that terrible crash on the highway last week!?! Some guy lost his toe! But they had to get him to the hospital real fast, so some people volunteered to stay back with some ice and look for it. They found it about a minute after the ambulance left and didn't know whether to call them and turn around or just call... A tow truck. Ba dum chi
Kampfkrapfen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?
A Stick.
ShmediumLebowski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into a bar and up to the bartender. The bear says โIโd like a ..... grilled cheeseโ. The bartender says โwhy the big pause?โ
biggrintim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought my wife a refrigerator for our anniversary. Itโs not much, but I canโt wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
antonimbus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last night my wife said "You haven't even paid attention to anything I've said!" and I thought hmmm that's a funny way to start a conversation.
mattiemac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhich British King invented camping?โ
Charles the tenth.
โWhich of his ancestors invented the clock?โ
Henry the second.
โWhich of his ancestors invented the toilet?โ
Edward the third.
EnderESXC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:54:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only works if you have an accent that ignores the h in "third"
antonimbus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife says I have two major flaws: I don't pay attention and something else.
Woadazcool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โMy lockerโs padlock doesnโt work, but itโs still not as insecure as I am.โ
crunchb3rry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said" when it's not even applicable.
gerny27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and says โEverybody out! This is not a drill!โ
mushymusashi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick. sniff
Neil_Armstrang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at-large.
bballconnor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anchorman: Breaking News! The Dessert Pun Serial Killer remains at large! More on this at 8.
Person: Oh my God! That's horrible! Who would do such a thing???
Dessert Pun Serial Killer: *sneaks up behind him* One cannoli imagine. *stabs him to death*
3ViceAndreas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, Knock.
Come in
CarolStott ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
preet1099 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My doctor said I'm fat. I asked for a second opinion and the doctor said I'm ugly too.
Krench7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says "Oooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiooooooooloooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooiiiiiiiiioeeeeeeeeeowoooooooooo......wheeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeoooooooouuyuuuuuuuuuuyyuywhooooooooooooo........ooooooooooooooooooiiiiieeeee
And the second whale says.......
"Shup up Frank your drunk!"
The key to this one is to make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable and then go into the the second whale.
MartyD14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field.
jmitchell626 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two flies on the toilet seat arguing and on got pissed off
powersnack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt you run in a campsite?
You can only ran, because itโs past tents
Dudum tssss
tidaltown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
mamthemeatloaf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my girlfriend I thought she drew her eyebrows on too high. She seemed surprised.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In this thread: a whole lot of dads.
porterjump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ruth and johnny side by side went on out for an auto ride they hit a bump ruth hit a tree and john went on ruthlessly
BeachBound1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 men walk into a bar. The next one ducks.
TheOneAndOnlyOwen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is best slipped into a normal conversation while having a confused expression on your face.
Question: How long can you keep a turkey in the freezer?
Wait for usually sensible reply
Reply: Well, I put mine in last night and it was dead this morning..
MalignantLugnut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do veggie burgers come from?
Bo-vines.
Libertyler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Oedipurrr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrrrrr
victwhoria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โwanna hear a joke?โ โyeahโ โwomenโs rightsโ
vtschoir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
The b shells are too small and the d shells are too big.
mikemystery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bear walks into a bar: say to barman โcould I have a pint of... ... ... ... ... Lager pleaseโ Batman says โwhy the big paws?โ
dogo7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bathtub
WowDoILoveEatingAss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So two Irish men walk out of a bar
ElderVunder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Ya put a little boogie in it!
My kids favorite ..
urban_lunchmeat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone tells me they are an engineer
I say โwhat railroad?โ
Laughs all around every time
DareDiablo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like OPs question is the start of a short, clean joke.
mr_spod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says โYou need to leave, we donโt serve strings here.โ
The string leaves and an alley cat picks it up and plays with it, tossing it into loops and tearing its threads a bit.
The string goes back into the bar. Bartender says โArenโt you the string I saw before?โ The string says โNope, Iโm a frayed knot.โ
MrEvilNES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
worn_socks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the stupidest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Amaquieria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is an ffxiv joke :
A Dragoon walks into a bar...everyone else dodged.
pattyphatsax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnโt the pony sing?
Because he was a little horse.
RedditGottitGood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gilbert Gottfried
pseudocoder1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if you sneeze and someone says "god bless you", reply back "you're welcome"
HeartofyourDimentia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
No1YouKnow42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him
How do you catch a game rabbit?
Tame way,unique up on him-
unbendingwalnut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One cup said to another cup "I'm feeling a bit empty" the other cup said "ahh a talking cup".
leroytheboss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know you've fallen on black ice?
When you get up, your wallet is missing
The_Original_Gronkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True story joke:
I met my wife on a cruise, 30 years ago. It was the most expensive vacation I ever took. I'm paying for it to this very day.
Ofcourseitislol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What color is a hiccup?
Burple!!!
DatSnakess ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life.
ajblue98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Leaving work
โHey Russ, are you out?โ
โโSince high school!โ
LivestreamFailAdmin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP's dick after a shower
DadBodHermes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
tenceirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the hot dog say when he won the race? Im the weiner!
When I was working at my job I had made a good joke that got my customers laughing.
"Wanna see a cool frog?" "Sure!" They'd say. Then i walk them over to a bust of a frog I randomly had laying around and I'd put my sunglasses on it. Got them every time
istealsteel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cucumber blush? It saw the salad dressing ๐
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
darthmarmite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Friend of mine is addicted to drinking brake fluid, he says he can stop any time but...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely got this one off some other Reddit thread:
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because theyโre really good at it.
tendeuchen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know any clean jokes, but I know a dirty one ;)
A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
amedley3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
jackneefus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino.
Studweiser21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the teddy bear eat his dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
foxy502 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky???
A stick
Zojim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon a time, there was a little chick that breathed through his butthole. He sat down and died.
(In Spanish is way better)
Yetimeister702 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an alligator and a crocodile....one will see you later, and one will see you after a while...
foxy502 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because the arrrrrrrrr
Empirer_BAD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yet another Apple leak. F*ing GMOs!
irlingStarcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I die, I want to go out peacefully like my grandpa did - in his sleep. Not all screaming and terrified like the passengers in his car
foxy502 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walked into a bar... Ouch
donttrustthemods ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back.
That's just a stick man.
Friedcuauhtli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the brown and sticky?
A stick
Taman_Should ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dyslexic psychiatrist told me I might be polaroid.
ksprice12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pudding
i_am_ghost7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales are in a bar.
One looks at the other and says, "oooOoooOOOOwwwwwwOooOOOOOOOooooowwwwwwwwwwwoooooOooOOOOOoooOOOOOO"
The other whale replies, "You're drunk Jerry, go home."
davidlvv1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into the bar and orders a beer and a mop.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a melon that isn't allowed to marry?
Can'telope
Examon427 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's your favorite season mine is cinnamon
bonzaibuddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin looks at the other and says โman, it sure is hot In here.โ The second muffins says โAHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!โ
nitemarehippygirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a dyslexic man walks into a bra
tysassaman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah and n you Z can come next o
VolcanoBoom88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt a t-Rex clap?
Because itโs dead.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a raver in a filing cabinet?
Sorted
Danzaar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two dicks are chilling on the beach. Says one to the other: "I'm going for a swim, you watch the bags."
Justinpeterson85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs did sushi A say to sushi B?
Wassup B? (Wasabi)
jles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here, huh?" The other says, "Holy sh*t a talking muffin!!"
boredsittingonthebus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and sings?
Frank Sanotter.
user636906 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does trump have an inhaler?
For hispanic attacks
boredsittingonthebus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What lies on the floor and sings?
Lino Richie.
-The_Blazer- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little girl runs to her mom in tears:
"Mommy, mommy! I was washing my hands in the bathroom and I accidentally swallowed some soap! Am I going to die?!"
"Well, we're all gonna die one day, but..."
"All of us?... Oh no, what have I done?!"
nicoleyoung27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Talk dirty to me!
Husband: Mud.
Hey-Nice-Marmot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your weiner
TheOneTrueChris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I had more self-esteem. But, I don't deserve it.
boredsittingonthebus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which Scottish mountain moves less?
Ben Stiller.
hightbone90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Jesus say to the disciples at the last supper?
"If you want to be in the picture you'll have to get on this side of the table."
darthmarmite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd like to thank my legs for supporting me through these hard times, my arms for always being at my side through thick and thin and my fingers because, well I can always count on you.
boredsittingonthebus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Englishman, Scotsman and Welshman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to leave, so they all had to.
arttic00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It took 192 zebrafish: https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/comments/98b0gu/red_bull_and_vodka_is_scientifically_proven_to/?utm_source=reddit-android
headexpl0dy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you keep your buccaneers? Under your bucking hat. I pirated that joke.
Grizzlyy25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted!
drumdbeat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Paddy and Murphy sat on the floor. Paddy fell off.
pepesylvia69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Of you understand Scottish dialogue: Whatโs wrong with Mickey Mouseโs helicopter? It Disneyland
jplevene ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Julius Caesar keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
ozone45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
ParkerDrake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys walk into a bar and the third guy ducks.
PigletVonSchnauzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the snail say while riding on the back of the turtle?
Wheeeee!!!!
caitinmountain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the lifeguard say to the hippie?
Youโre too far out, man.
Kiana996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:57:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys walk into a bar. You think the second one would have ducked.
CursedBlackCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about Apple's new iCar?
It has no Windows.
User999999999999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee cord?
My ass
stellarshadeofgreen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SijoLeeJunFan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and passes through walls?
Spooky Dookie ๐ฉ
TheCicc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:33:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between Jews and a pizza? Pizzas donโt scream in the oven.
It wasnโt dirty just offensive.
cattastrophe0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
ButtBoy4k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
minijock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and "stick-y" ... a STICK!
Crossed_the_Rubicon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirate walks into a bar. Walks up to the bar tender and asks for a rum. Bar tender says sure, but I have to ask. What's up with the gigantic ships wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate said "Arrr, I know. It's drivin me nuts."
Alwaystoblame ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did ya hear the one about the blonde tap dancer?
She fell in the sink...
fidelflicka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOO BEE!
Talkeron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
creaturecatzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs? Matt
What got left in front of the door? Matt
gregarious119 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
...in a lake? Bob
...hanging on a wall? Art
...by the window? Kurt and Rod
...in the trunk of the car? Jack
creaturecatzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard those ones. For some reason Art is the one I always forget the name for lol
creaturecatzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have any of you lost a stack of twenty dollar bills rolled up in a rubber band? Because we found the rubber band
GooseJaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:01 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many of each animal did Moses take with him on the ark?
Trick question, that was Noah. We thought we were super clever in Sunday school.
mattiemac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:41 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Irish accent does exactly this.. I considered leaving the last part out for that exact reason but itโs the best part of the joke, Iโll make sure leave this joke at home if iโm travelling abroad
Sweet_Mama_Me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:24 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three women died and went to heaven where they met St Peter... he tells them there is one rule... DONโT STEP ON A DUCK. That sounded easy and the women entered heaven to see ducks everywhere...
The first woman steps on a duck and her punishment is to be handcuffed for eternity to a very ugly man...
The second woman also steps on a duck and also is handcuffed for eternity to an equally ugly man...
The third woman manages to avoid stepping on a duck but is called by St Peter... she finds herself handcuffed to a Greek God type of man... she breaks down in tears thanking her amazing luck and cries out what have I done to be handcuffed to such a handsome man... he looks at her and says I donโt know about you but I stepped on a duck.
DaDangerDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:47 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
T t
reddit_man64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:00 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Mario and Luigi wear? Denim. Denim. Denim.
Kingtoke1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:50 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mum
HashcoinShitstorm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I swallowed two strings and they came out tied together. I shit you knot.
bertrenolds5 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 14:37:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What worse then ants in your pants? Uncles.
Why does the easter buny hide his eggs? Because he doesn't want anyone to know he fucks chickens.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on this morning.
Houlilala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:30:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cannibal passed his friend on the street!
Citizen_Ken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
Houlilala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well first he ate him, then digested him and then...?
browdogg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know French fries werenโt made in France, right?
CementBoard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best way to cook toilet paper?
Brown it on one side.
SmithChristian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline
Japots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in the oven.
One muffin goes, "Man, it's sure getting hot in here"
The other muffin screams, "AAAAH, A TALKING MUFFIN"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:19:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Peter Dinklage.
Jackrwood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:29:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a elf walked into a bar. The dwarf laughed and walked under it.
imsugil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:47:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do farmers like to party?
They turnips the beets!
steambotwolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:54:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex wife still misses me...
drsameagle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
FlatAffectRN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do all hot dogs in buns look the same?
Because theyโre in bread.
GravityTracker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on it's own?
It was two-tired
holyshithestall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This usually gets a laugh and glare because they're annoyed they laughed at it but when someone says "oh my god [your name]" reply "you don't have to call me that"
incompressible_flows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Brown and sticky?
A stick!
jessedo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did General Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
DDJekt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to the shop for 6 cans of Sprite.
I ended up picking 7up
jocanada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get an elephant in a shopping cart?
Take the "s" out of Safe, and the "f" out of Way.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually know a great knock knock joke, but someone else has to start it.
Naturage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did a man fall into a well?
He didn't see that well.
TheBlackVelvetWolfe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite:
โKnock-knockโ
โWhoโs there?โ
โTo.โ
โTo who?โ
โTo whom.โ
ethan-bubblegum-tate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesnโt come back?
A stick
zfede45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
.....yeah i got nothing.
spencerisbatman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet!
Goose=playful butt pinch
This one always gets a laugh from my mom, because she's the one telling it.
filthierkc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Whereโs my tractor?
Citizen_Ken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field
Did you hear about the farmer's funeral?
There was a big turn up at it
rooster6662 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the heck out of their dogs.
cooldanch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the King keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
shaolinLFE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Godzilla say after he ate Guam? I want Samoa.
bunnyknux54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife lately? No? Neither has he.
Blumesout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bagel that can fly?
A plain bagel
Wah wah
sdbear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, rabbi, and imam walked into a bar. "What is this," asked the bartender, "some kind of joke".
bate4her2master ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
ButtTrumpetSnape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm on a light diet... day light, candle light, refrigerator light...
-linear- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the buffalo tell her calf when he left for college?
Bye son.
BologniousMonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does mr. mushroom get invited to all the best parties?
Because heโs such a fun guy.
BologniousMonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
Itโs all over town.
JesseBricks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:50:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Russian dolls ... they're full of themselves.
Cyerena ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:50:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's a pirate's favorite letter?"
Inevitably you will get someone to loudly comment "Arrrrrr!" (If not, this can be your punchline)
Response in a pirate voice "most believe that, but his first love be the C!"
MadForge52 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. Ouch
Quantum_bomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I put my foot down.
addy-Bee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three things o hate: lists, irony, and the Oxford comma.
MCPatar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much does a pirate charge for corn?
A buck an ear.
patpatwaterrat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face?
Minihood1997 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Less of a laugh and more of a groan, but:
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba dum tiss.
Lorde_Farquad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? -so they can see the battlefield
Why did the French give America the statue of liberty? -they have no use for a statue with only 1 arm up.
Why are there so many rivers in France? -water follows the path of least resistance
hey_you2300 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Doctor's office.
" You need to stop masterbating"
" Why? "
" Because I'm talking to you !"
ButtTrumpetSnape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DrZoidberg117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two penguins are standing on an ice flow. One says to the other "it looks like you're wearing a tuxedo" the other one replies " what makes you think I'm not? "
adviceKiwi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Venison is deer isn't it? Credit to Jimmy Carr
SyNtHeTiC_cHiCkEn_NZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna play the rape game?
WTF NO
Thats the spirit!
Mido1355 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iย killedย aย person.ย Tom Green, convertย thisย sentenceย intoย Futureย Tense, please. Student Tom Green:ย Youย willย goย toย jail.ย
Kettellkorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys walk into a bar 3rd guy ducks.
Friedcuauhtli ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:07:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you mean duck?
qcrulzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's from Jimmy carr
Cynapse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
jadub123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: When you see geese flying and they make a 'V', it's almost always a little longer on one side then the other. You know why that is?
Other Person: No
Me: Well that's cause there's more geese on that side
BennyRum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you put Jews in prison?
Because they eat Lachs (locks)
Cynical_Cyanide ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one for SURE - It's called 'the Aristocrats':
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyKGHVA6rb0
Veadora ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what sucks?
A vacuum.
Do you know what really sucks?
Black holes.
LordHodorsfourdoor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick :D
WonderfulWafflesLast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SeryuSenga24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit is full of original posts
dexflux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Want to hear a German joke? Get back to work!"
MrAsche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wiener :(
Kahliden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ur mom gey
Chuagge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steven Wright is a great place to look for quick and easy to tell jokes. Some of my favorites:
"I asked my girlfriend if she had sex with a woman before. I said 'It's great you should try it!'... she's gone now."
I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier for my birthday. I placed them in a room and let them fight it out.
theruneman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:05 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you saw a heat wave would you wave back?
Chuagge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The universe is expanding... that should help with the traffic.
NamelessNamek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Cause they're ugly and they stink lol as a little boy I thought it was so dumb but funny
Timbira ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just piggyback over someone else's puns, jokes and disses and shout out "Got Em!!" in a high pitched voice after. Works pretty well for me.
DeepThroatALoadedGun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I'd do stand-up comedy the joke that always got a laugh was "paraplegics are such pussies, they're all talk and no walk"
stromm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your penis.
Spreckinzedick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One looks at the other and says "Is it just me or is it really hot in here?" And the other screams "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Nevada624 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad is Jewish and my mom is not. So I guess that makes me Jew-ish.
Works best with a little "so-so" hand wiggle at the end. Hasn't failed me once.
lockeVSkvothe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
the_glutton17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
justclay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know why the blind man fell into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Kalekdan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate being bi-polar.
It's great!
medicff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus said to his Apostales;
This bread is my body.
This wine is my blood
And
This is your card!
toocoldforpenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald Trump is president. Oh wait...
Volsunga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It took me seven days to write it, but I still think it's a week pun.
The13thJedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a high school girls track team & a tribe of pygmies?
One of them is a bunch of cunning little runts....
Gimbu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:30:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Short? Check.
Clean? ehhh...
Gets a laugh? Not that I've ever seen.
FISTY_FLATCHESTIA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed
Doyoulike_tacos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sometimes carry a dead battery around so when I give it to someone, I always say, "you can have this, its no charge."
Sqeeeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Updog shit Ligma balls Sawcon my dick Stuff like thar
xTerroristenx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
vancliburn1958 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not exactly a joke but when I need a piece of paper I always say, โcan you give me a slice of paper?โ
Doesnโt always get a laugh but I get at least a weird look and thatโs all I need.
anunkeptbeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pivot ! Pivot ! Pivoottt !
P0sitive_Outlook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something big, grey and unnecessary is an erelephant.
it_was_a_dick_joke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mrs. Hippie
SpawnicusRex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came across some tracks. The first blonde says "Ooh look, deer tracks." The second blonde says "Don't be ridiculous, those are obviously moose tracks."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
zaoinga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yur mum gey
cube44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyโs it so hard to take surveys in Afghanistan?
Because of the Tally-Ban
NikolaiSink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Willywonka1859 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a long drawn out joke where no one gets the punchline but everyone still laughs out of embarrassment
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do subs divers fall backwards off the boat?
Because if they fell forwards theyโd still be in the boat.
Ruskaboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why do Russians never laugh?
A: Would you laugh if you are Russian?
adamthomasbird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
vaniusa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:19 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
illhypochondriac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it
cagey_dev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis after a shower.
ngr-slyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite food is Foie gras (goose liver), you know what it goes great with? Quakers
terrys9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did the life gaurd say to the hippy,
your to far out maaan
BunnyStrider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Hell if I know.
SupremeLad666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:52:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't even try OP. Someone will still be offended.
tank_GB ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:25:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. What's green and smells like pork?
....
A. Kermit's fingers.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 12:49:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
russian_hacker01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fact not a joke
km_44 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Incel much?
Harrisongee123 ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 10:33:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No u
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:46:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you know the difference between a zippo and a hippo? one's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:17:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
NugsAndNeoprene ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:38:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bro they said clean
ardvarknet ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:40:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bro they said funny
Edit: what was the joke btw, it was deleted when I saw it
BakaFame ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was the joke
ardvarknet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I actually am curious
adagonjinn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:32:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ur mom gay
NBischoff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:38:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no u
afihavok ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 16:50:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP's penis after a shower.
EDIT: Well shit. I thought it was funny.
FerrariSempai ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 12:26:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is part Irish, part Dutch, and part German. So after he gets drunk, he tries to hide the Jews, and then find the Jews.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:08:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AeAeR ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:28:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They said clean, not just short.
SirBobz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:19:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
Lloydlove11 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 16:16:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
znhunter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:16:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
classic comedy
Thameus ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you've showered, your penis.
[deleted] ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 13:40:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP boiling water. You shall be missed.
[Wont get a laugh, around slow people.]
CommanderFlare ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:24:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/iamverysmart
mega_douche1 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 16:42:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Moron
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 18:04:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Slow =/= stupid
But ok, love.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Horror1408 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:58:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/suicidebywords
Crapface2 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
HypKin ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
your dick after you washed it.
Niggasbecookin ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That Jesus is God
slongedyoubiggly ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Socialism will work in the US.
Apparently_Apathetic ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:05:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me
Shwords ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:42:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dinosaur that hurt his ankle rollerblading? An ankle-so-sore-us!
OddBen11 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:59:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged from a tree, Iโd probably start calling out letters
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:05:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOUR MOM?
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:07:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better Nate than Lever
Paquemann ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:17:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Un homme rentre dans un cafรฉ, et puis โPlouf !โ
Letmepoopinhere ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:24:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A pig fell in the mud.
YamYoshi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:26:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Midgets in the shower
justmikewilldo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:28:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A midget who just took a bath?
Mido1355 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:28:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Student:ย Brainsย likeย Bermudaย triangleย โ when informationย goesย inย itย isย neverย foundย again.ย
disentery_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:36:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 kids counting a ball It's so bad it's funny... I know it from my dad
Icurasfox ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:37:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A redditor asks "What's a short, clean joke that gets a laugh everytime?"
So I told him. "You'll get a lot more laughs if you just look at the same question that was posted a week or two ago!"
dollarsandcents101 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:41:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
RickBillJillian ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:50:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin right before they got in the batmobile?
โGet in the car.โ
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:51:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
porterism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
RhynoD ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:51:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
If that isn't clean enough, substitute "holy cow".
TheThomasJarvis ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:01:38 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ligma
JTJimAFK ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:03:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
long explination followed by "shove it up your butt"
Some minor sexual term followed by "title of your sex tape"
Essentially just watch the office, parks and recreation and Brooklyn nine nine and you'll be fine
toroefields12 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:09:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre momma so nasty, when I asked her whatโs for breakfast she opened her legs and said โblue waffleโ ๐
youngsexyhandsome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your* and this joke isnโt funny
toroefields12 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:22:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How? Itโs original.
Gritchard ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:11:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
RoyalCommission01 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:11:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A professional conga dancer walks into a bar.
She is disqualified.
kristencolby ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:20:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why don't black people like country music? A: Because it sucks.
dronf ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:32:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ben Shapiro
mjomark ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:49:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Denmark.
/Sweden
plsrespectkaren ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:52:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 2 types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
manfromneptune ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:55:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels... except for the duck
Unsuspecting_Man ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:11:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find the paraplegic?
Right where we left him
igotyournacho ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:18:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's two muffins in the oven. The first turns to the second and says "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" and the second one replies "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"
BucolicBastard ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:23:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender goes โWhy the long face?โ.
PuddinPacketzofLuv ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:24:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The 3rd guy ducks.
LilGazpacho ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:24:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar and says โOw!โ
NaughtyDred ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:25:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and white and red all over?
Decapitated penguin
Dstorter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:38:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has 2 legs and bleeds......half a dog
flibbertyjibbit561 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:46:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
JohnnyLakefront ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:53:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a mine cry?
Kill his family
girlfriendinacoma24 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:56:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfatherโs personal favorite:
Hot do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. So when he goes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
Edit: a letter
NoahJelen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:58:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: <some extremely stupid question>
A: Your mom!
3Butter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:00:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pig cross the road
it did
Leadsx ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:08:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Fantasy joke
How does a gnome hide in a apple tree? He paints his balls red.
How did the gnome die? A tauren went apple picking.
Poata ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:08:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a paraplegic in the middle of a pool?
Bob
What do you call a paraplegic in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked
EyeballMistakes ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:08:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's an easy way to paint walls with babies.
Throw as hard as you can every time.
full_disclosure ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:10:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do if youโre swallowed by an elephant? Run around and around till youโre pooped out.
Dispatter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:11:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP's bank account
GI_jim_bob ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:16:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
CrapsThunder ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:23:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
Weetawhdid ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:23:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther no pants, I'm goin swimmin'
Domskithevampyre ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:24:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If accidents come up in conversation I like to use :
โ I fell off a ladder once. Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.โ
somepi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:27:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a judge with no thumbs
justice fingers
laaerpig ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:28:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down? Because they wear their belts on their hats.
charlieochuck ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:30:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When people fall out of a plane and yell "Geronimo!", you know what it means? "Who the hell pushed me?!"
Banonogon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:33:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the partially blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldnโt see that well.
that_guy_you_know-26 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:41:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens...
HighElfHighOnSkooma ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:41:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's ligma? Ligma balls gotem lmao
AdamJefferies ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:44:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
blorkmastersupreme ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:55:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You.
lucy_inthessky ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:57:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician was performing for a crowd.
"On the count of 3, I WILL DISAPPEAR!"
The crowd waited with baited breath....
"UNO! DOS!"
POOF.
He was gone without a tres.
Thedingo6693 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:58:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When some one describes some thing by saying "....thats x in a nutshell" you respond by going this is me in a nutshell and proceed to act like you're trapped in a nutshell
Thank you Dan this will always be my favorite joke
delirious_deplorable ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:59:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Margaret Hamilton and Hillary Clinton?
One was a wicked witch. The other was a famous Hollywood actress.
edsgunn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:00:04 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did batman say to Robin before getting in the batmobile.
โGet in the batmobileโ
Phire_free ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:01:01 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man got an accident in his garden which resulted in his ears nearly detached from his head, another man came in to help him out, so he told him to hold tight his fallen ears to his head because he is going to get him a magic herb which will heal him completely within a seconds.the injured man opened wide his mouth and said, my friend be in a hurry and bring that herb else I will stop holding my ear to my head OK, am just giving you 20 seconds ๐ ๐.
deafeningshanty ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:01:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Originally found similar on Reddit " Can you guess what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket" - "how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
rotoshane ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:02:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch?
Names
jmcdowell324 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:03:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says โ Whats with the long face.โ
elbastardo616 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:08:53 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "can you smell fish?"
purdy1985 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:11:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A husband says to his wife
โPut your coat onโ
โWhy? Are we going out โ
โNo , but I am and Iโm putting the heating off โ
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:11:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โSomeone says very German thingโ
โWow, I did Nazi that comingโ
michael-streeter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:12:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE!" he he - that's what my grandfather used to say! That's probably why they sacked him from the fire brigade!
LensPro ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:12:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
During the dust bowl many people left Oklahoma and went to California. That raised the average I.Q. in both places.
BigWaveSmallOcean ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:16:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a Hindu?
Lays eggs
NerdForJustice ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:17:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Ya park, man.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:17:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
op's dick
oceanminer666 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:19:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ligma
goie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:21:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine
Turbobutts ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:26:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How long is a chinaman
Yindee8191 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:37:55 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
DevanteWeary ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:37:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Kr1sys ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:38:33 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of computer do people in Britain use? Adele.
Tusami ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:38:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I hate having Paul Walker as a friend on my Xbox though, he spends all his time on the dashboard."
limbo_timbo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:41:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Give them a five dollar bill. Tell them to find the hitchhiker.
โI canโt find the hitchhiker.โ
Tell them to keep looking.
โI really canโt find him. Are your sure heโs on here?โ
Tell them he must have caught a ride.
Enjoy.
MyCatIsSuperChill ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:41:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Danny devito fresh out of the shower!
Jenipherocious ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:42:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: what has 9 arms and sucks? A: Def Leopard
Q: why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? A: because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.
thadwdavis ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:43:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Weiner when I get out of the shower
VoyagerCSL ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:44:59 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A midget took a bath.
thelonestrangler ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:49:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.
tremors51000 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:50:06 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
your life ?
Bad_Oddish ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:05:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my sex life
Hottchopz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:09:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Jews walk in a bar and.... they buy it
kirstprah ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:19:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex boyfriends penis
themajesticslug ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 13:46:37 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
Stiblex ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:33:16 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
short indeed
falxcon ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:58:57 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Parents are like pizzas. If they are black then you got nothing to eat.
darth_peester ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 14:51:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my dick after a shower
JohnnyBroccoli ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:45:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick fresh out the shower.
SimmyPoo ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
did you hear Ninja died of ligma?
wes2133 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What wood doesn't float in the water? Natalie Wood
garrspete ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:33:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just search for this same exact post.
Yer_boi_miki ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
Taleya ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
wait for the ARRRRRR!
You may think that, but a pirate's true love is the Sea.
Graverobber ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?
They both had Curds in their Whey (Kurds in their way).
PM_ME_NAKED_MOLERATS ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A favorite from Bozo the sad clown. Really requires good delivery.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swings?
Because she lost both of her arms to cancer. Slow sad honk
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not little Suzy another slow sad honk
slimebomb1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and asks โcan you smell fish?โ
Jorricha ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a giraffe's neck so long? Because it's head is so far away from its body.
Bumblelarts007 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Bare. Bare who? Bare bum
Sigma476 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, here's how you catch a polar bear. You find some some Ice. Get a saw. Cut a nice big hole in the ice. Then you get some frozen peas, have to be frozen, polar bears don't like fresh. Put the frozen peas around the edge of the hole. Now you hide, and when the polar bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole
Claud6568 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:30 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said โwhy the long face?โ
fuckswithwasps ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get Dick from Richard?
You ask him nicely.
LoveBarkeep ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:00:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bill Cosby
TheBallistico ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smells like updog in here
GreenestGringo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:37:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's updog?
TheBallistico ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:30:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NOT MUCH DOG WHATS UP WITH YOUU
kbnoize ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom... No wait, she's dirty...nvrmind
danzigzone342 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i like dating people in wheelchairs because they cant run.
good
clean
joke
Sparkz-19 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deez nuts
danieljay613 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:47 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
hexrc ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my penis
ssshhhhhhhhhhhhh ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick after a shower
hibloodstevia ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:26 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick after I shower?
vtfresh ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joke
LA0811 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cupcakes in an oven.
Cupcake 1: โhot in hereโ
Cupcake 2: โholy shit a talking cupcake!โ
Edit: spacing
mclarenusername1298 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yer gay
PrimoNando ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
TheTrashman44 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:40 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick. Although it's not very clean
harryandmorty ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:45 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald trump and Obama are jumping out of an airplane and Donald forgets to pack up his parachute as he was busy in tweeting against paid news. He jumped and begged Obama to share his parachute but Donald was too heavy and Obama refused. So Donald jumped on Obama's parachute mid air and Obama said, " Hey man I'll let you have this parachute as I love Eric so much". And Obama was free-falling until Donald realised his parachute was defective and Obama had a back up parachute hidden under his T-shirt. Good Old Donald. You can anticipate the ending.
wrongitsleviosaa ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A very popular joke in my country: How do you tell the difference between a male and a female fish? You give it some fish flakes and if he eats them, he's male and if she eats them, she's female. Works better in the native language but funny nonetheless.
alessandro_673 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me after a shower.
antfro946 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
YdargEloc ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
AngriestSCV ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your penis.
therealpantsgnome ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnโt Hellen Keller drive a car? Because sheโs a woman
zakangi ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis after a cold shower.
fereddit ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
Supablue24 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
jthm2004 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:28 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Geuss what!
What?
๐ Chicken butt.
TheOddsofThat ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:51 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the rooster cross the road?
Because his dick was in the chicken.
DandyMike ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the greatest comeback story of all time?
Kim Kardashian, I think in the video she gets some cum on her back
hillbillydrifter61 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:42 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad; Son if you don't quit doing your going to go blind.
Son; Dad, I'm over here.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You dropping trough
Raygunbutt ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:43 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
tntscl01 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis works for my wife every time she sees it
r00ddit ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick after a cold bath.
ChrisDL ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:31 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
yoeyz ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:36 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are fuckin horrible and not funny at all.
tararisin ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:27 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
WolFang101 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
shakeszilla ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick.
Tal29000 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been trying this on Reddit a lot recently, and I've discovered you only need two words to achieve a reaction.
Broken arms.
kernow_vys_bacon ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.
I usually follow up with the unclean:
How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his cock.
SLAYERone1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:18 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
LeSeafarer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:56 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but is it really that clean?
SLAYERone1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:14 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only thing it is
Nasaman23 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever read one of these jokes and actually laughed? Some are clever, but not worth more than a forced chuckle. Humor is more complex than a single line, spat out with no reason, setup, or context.
Iโm not a fan of comedy shows but if you are interested in learning about comedy, watch a professional comedian. Notice (s)he is likely telling some kind of story and is not just spitting out a list of one line jokes. One line jokes are a contradiction to themselves.
Edit: Just pointing out the obvious.
ProbablyPuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
tl;dr: "Iโm not a fan of comedy"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone enjoys a good laugh. I prefer in-person comedy shows to the ones recorded and put online. Not a fan of watching a guy on TV give a live performance to others. Feels less personal. Less entertaining.
I realize now my wording was incorrect in the first post. I was trying to refer to the comedy show videos, not comedy clubs.
sniffles_snort ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yer mom.
AshingiiAshuaa ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:07 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An incel's penis.
745631258978963214 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:41 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To visit the idiot's house." (laugh hysterically)
"Uhhh.... Yeah, ok."
--------
Later, at an unexpected time, preferably like an hour or two later:
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"The chicken" (give them a serious/disapproving look)
"The chicke.... god damn it."
TheHaderach ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:54 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a nun pregnant? Fuck her
AdamJefferies ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:25 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
myoreosmaderfaker ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick!
Im_A_Realist ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:00 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a guy walks into a bar
...ouch
I'm just asking for downvotes on this one...
Willfreckles ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:48 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My aunt used to played the mouth organ you know? It was out Monica!
shapeofjunktocome ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:49 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick after a shower.
oaka23 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 12:06:52 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nickelback
Evildead818 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 13:15:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try to work in the phrase
"A Woman's Cock"
In conversations ,its lmao all the time
Guaranteed
tree5eat ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 12:35:29 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trump
BiggestShoelace ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 14:14:24 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick
normansmith2007 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:16:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis after a shower
Downvotes_dumbasses ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 14:30:32 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kevin Hart?
shitterfritter ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 14:41:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't women need a watch? Cause there's already a clock on the oven.
praiseofthunder ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 14:50:03 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
โGive me a second to get hard, I just came out this chick!โ
Millertary1 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:28:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
SubtleMockery ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:29:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
decnov ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:30:12 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sex life
StephenHorn ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:21 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ma dick
The_Ironhand ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:38:08 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever wash your penis?
ElBeaver ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:34 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom. (not very clean, though)
Belowme78 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:44 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hillary Clinton is president
SuperJed9903 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:09 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ligma.
untouchable_0 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 19:16:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was fist-fucking this burn victim one time and she wouldn't stop screaming.
YutakaAoki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
mate
silverdragun ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 11:57:20 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick >.>
dakotae3 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 15:36:17 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage
Veadora ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:13 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How the fuck is that a clean joke? Better yet, how is that a joke?
dakotae3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:22 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well itโs funny cause you donโt see it coming and I forgot about the clean part, so you got me there, but hey, at least itโs just the internet, so if you donโt like something, you can just ignore it!
Veadora ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:21:52 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forgetting is totally something I can get behind, so you're forgiven. I guess it's just that it struck a chord with me.
dakotae3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:08 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol well these kind of jokes are meant to strike a chord with people so no worries
COSTLYSAUCY ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 16:50:11 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick
Gidgetpants ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:02 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's stupider than 5k mexicans building a bridge across the desert? ... 5k negroids waiting to fish off of it.
TuffHunter ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:07:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An asian penis after a bath
_vanillaclouds_ ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 17:31:15 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you tell to a women with two black eyes? ... ... ... There is nothing you can tell, she's been told two times already.
P.S. I hope I translated this correctly, and it still carries the idea.
delirious_deplorable ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 18:51:39 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between God and Obama?
God doesn't think he's Obama.
Fruitloops_for_B ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 11:50:35 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Bob tha Builder once he is retired? Edit: spelling
throwdowntown69 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 12:23:50 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My erect penis
GodofPears ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 11:54:23 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Despa-cito
reinemanc ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 12:29:58 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two retards are walking next to each other on the sidewalk. One says to the other: โCould I please walk in the middle?โ
bl1y ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 11:52:10 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick :-(
[deleted] ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 11:32:46 on August 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your dick after washing it