But are you both in a row?

How about "the rolling stone gets the worm?" Contradicting metaphors.

But don't they mean two different things? To have all your ducks in a row means to be prepared, and to be on the same page means to be in agreement or to have the same perspective.

Sounds like you guys have your pages in a row.

I just used this in a conversation with my wife and she asked me if I was having a stroke.

Does it though?

Edit: Duck it. I’m leaving it.

I needed this laugh yay :D I always say malaphors too, but I had never heard this one.

Get rowduckular

That would make perfect sense if your wife was making a book about birds.

Gotta get your poop in a group.

I like that. Easy to remember, kinda cute, kinda funny, and kids would love it. I'm stealing that.

I've always said, "you can lead a dead horse to water, but you can't beat him until he drinks".

You can lead a gift horse to water, just don't look it in the mouth.

I mean, it's not wrong..

you can bring a horse to water, but a pencil has to be lead.

This one made me laugh out loud. Worthy of typing out instead of using lol.

But beat it enough and it will have a drinking problem later in life for sure

"WHAT CAN'T BE BEAT?"

"A DEAD HORSE!"

This is actually really good

There's no use beating a dead gift horse in the mouth to water, but you can't make it drink... that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed!

Don't beat a dead horse in the mouth.

True

You can waterboard it.

Meaning you can do something over and over again but it wont work!

I’ve always loved “You can’t milk a dead horse”

You can ride a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

My Dad used to say, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can only hold its head under for sooo long before things become counter-productive.”

WHO CANT BE BEAT!?

You can lead a horse to water but you can't teach him new tricks

lol when I was a kid I once accidentally said, "You can't beat a dead horse back to life."

true, but morbid

You can lead a horse to Flint, Michigan, but you can't make him drink because there's lead in the water.

Yiu can drink a dead beat but you can't make it horse

You can beat a dead horse to water for a day, but you can't make him learn to fish for the rest of his life.

especially when grandpa is using his walker in a bathrobe.

He’s not the sharpest tool in the elevator.

Ow

Don't kick a low hanging fruit in the mouth!

I mean...it's still good advice

Please don't hurt my testicles

Underrated

Hey, want to see me kick this low hanging fruit?

• Grandparent

What's the kicking from?

Whatever floats your goat

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

But that would make sausages, which are tasty and good, not irritating

Which metaphor about goats are you referring?

Not a malaphor, but I like to say “whatever bloats your goat”.

That really chaps my nips.

That really tugs my nuggets.

That really zips my tip.

...is it the kielbasa machine? Is that what grinds your goats?

That one gets my gear.

I also love when people say "I'm not gonna be the escape goat"

r/mildlyinfuriating

Would you say that it's your goat-to phrase?

Not cool.

r/furry_irl

Whatever blows your goat.

[deleted]

All of the sudden, /u/sisyphuster is irritated

:[

I prefer "it really gets up my goat".

I say Really Mondays my Garfield, but i stole that from Jacksfilms

It's like stabbing geese in a barrel.

The saying that gets my goat comes from the fact that they keep goats in the horses stables to keep the horses calm before a race because horses can get anxious being alone. If you went and took someone's goat it would unsteady the race horse and affect their race the next day. That's why it's preferable to have your goat and eat it too.

hey

“That really grinds my hide”

Hows it a malaphor

Stealing this!

Walk in the park.

A piece of cake.

A cakewalk.

I never questioned what a cakewalk was until now.

It'll be a piece in the park.

I picture this one being said by Ricky from the show Trailer Park Boys.

“It’s the gravy on the cake”—actual quote from a VP at a company I used to work at.

Well that was a piece of park

What if it’s a swimming pool sized cake and you’re allergic to the icing

I would be nice to walk on a cake ;P

I don't know... I don't think that's my cup of cake.

Its a piece of pie

(from the movie 2010)

I work in a hospital, I had to take a patient downstairs for a CT Scan and ended up letting this one slip out to the worried family members.. not my proudest moment.

Piece of pie.

Easy as cake.

Where's this guys gold?

Wolves can eat a lot, he's trying to reduce your workload.

Won't somebody fend for the wolves?

This sounds like the threat is that you have to become the primary breadwinner (meat winner?) for a gang of wolves

Not really a malphor but a coworker of mine recently said his roommates were "sheep in wolves clothing." It's my new favorite saying.

ARE YOU FUCKIN SORRY??

Don’t count your chickens until the cows come home.

"Go fly a kite in traffic." I said this by accident once; now it's my go-to.

This one works because it actually does convey the point, more than just sounding random.

Mowgli?

That's cute, like a little mowgli.

"Bitch they would tear your ass up"

Do they fuck with the war?

Gorgeous rhetoric. Deserves the top of the thread.

I thought it was "throw you" ... who cares. This is my favorite one.

That's a very extreme version of Devil's Advocate.

I once had a boss that talked about sacrificing someone else's reputation as throwing them to the bus.

When asked "Don't you mean under the bus?". He only responded with silent confusion. He assumed the point was to simply make them go away. Not murder.

do you fuck with the war?

Fend for the wolves. Good band name.

I don’t know why, but this reminds me of a time I took a piece of someone’s candy and accident said “I’m Robin Hood! I rob from the rich and steal from the poor!

More like looking a white elephant in the mouth.

Why was he using a key to paint? That just sounds horribly inefficient.

I actually painted myself into the corner when I was 8. Helping my dad paint the floor with primer and yea

A dedicated mime

Well, the keys not going to help him in this situation anyway... might as well get rid of some dead weight

The mental image of this is great

Have you seen When a Stranger Calls Back?? [SPOILER] he literally paints himself into a corner and disappears.

"Painted himself up a creek without a key"

Why do I feel like these are old panic lyrics

Does anyone remember this from All in the Family? Is everyone on reddit really too young?

But what if your chickens are in a basket and you're unsure if they're all there?

Don't count your chickens before they egg.

Don’t count your sheep before they hatch their eggs

Don't put all your eggs in one basket before they're hatched

Is that one from maverick?

"Never hatchet your counts until they chicken!"

Thank God for the hatchery.

Reminds me of an art project I did once, the assignment was to make a visual representation of a idiom out of paper mache So I made a bunch of white paper mache lumps (which in a complete coincidence is about the only thing I could make with paper Mache ) , wrote numbers on them in sharpie and stuck them in a basket. Now using a pre made element was breaking the rules a little but I got away with for doing two at once.

Every time I get new chicks in, I have to count the chickens in the basket.

don't count your chickens before they egg

don't count your fruit before it's harvested

How many chickens crossed the road in one basket trying to decide if the egg should go first?

Mate of mine once exclaimed ‘Don’t bury all your chickens in the same hole’

”Put all of your eggs in each basket”

"Don't count your chickens with a hatchet"

These two metaphors mean different things, which misses the point.

That is terrifying

My grandmother is a Swedish immigrant, and used to say malapropisms all the time. The family favorite is, "you buttered your bread, now lie in it!"

I'm going to start using this on some specific people in my life

I’m imagining Danny DeVito when he’s all lubed up

You can’t have your can of worms and eat it too

steps into the can

No collusion!

That’s better because no one actually wants to lie in worms where as many want to lie in a bed

Fine with me, Joe Rogan

can of worms

A shorter malaphor there is the use of "kettle of worms" or "can of fish" instead of the other, correct way around :)

What's the lie in it one?

Sounds like an episode of Fear Factor.

I heard that in Zap Brannigan's voice

You can't open a can of worms and eat it.

thats a big ass can dog

Eeewwwwwwww o_o

You made your bed and now you have to eat it.

My step mom once said “that’s a whole other kettle of worms”

I often quote Porky Pig saying, "you buttered your bread, now sleep in it".

We use "You've burnt this can of worms, now lie in it" in my house.

Ugh... Reminds me of going back and fixing old code at work. I think this will be my new mantra for the work day, starting tomorrow (Monday).

You've buttered your bread, now lie in it.

They Might Be Giants has a song called Stand on Your Own Head with part of the lyrics being: “You’ve made my day, now you have to sleep in it.” Great line, in my opinion.

Get two birds stoned at once

I like “kill one bird with two stones”. It just seems so much more violent.

Kill two buildings with one Bush.

I go with kill two stones with one bird

Kill two Brazilians with one Bush.

a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

And

kill two birds with one stone

Kill two girls with one cup

A hand in the bush is worth two birds

Wait a minute.. If you kill 2 birds with 1 stone, but those 2 birds are in the hand, did you kill 4 birds in a bush?

One in th goose is worth two in the gander

My husband is terrible with idioms, and once when trying to say he had been productive told me he had “killed some birds with some stones”.

Yeah, but a bush in the hand is worth 2 in the pink

A lecturer used to say "satisfy two birds with one stone"

Kill two towers with one Bush.

Litterally dropped my phone laughing, not sure why, thank you.

Stone two birds with one bush.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a conservationist or and environmentalist, so I killed two birds with one stone.

Kill two birds with a shotgun.

A Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds

Kill 2 stones with one bird!

Reminds me of a riddle. No ones ever been able to answer it. If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, whats a bird on the fan worth?

One in the hand is worth two in the mouth

'It is not what you would call handsome,' said Jack laughing, 'but a bird in the hand is worth any amount of beating about the bush, don't you agree?'

From Patrick O'Brien's 'HMS Surprise'

edit: in fact here's a page of his series's 'Aubreyisms'

Kill two stones with one bird.

Kill a bird with two stones.

There's a book called "Kill Two Birds and Get Stoned." The story is fun and I always laugh at the title.

A bird in hand is worth two with one stone

I like to say "Kill two stones with one 🐦"

A bird in the hand is worth two with one stone

Two birds one Johnny

I prefer saying, "kill two stones with one bird"

Kill two girls with one cup.

A bird in the hand saves nine.

There's a reason we're in there...

I personality like "kill 2 birds with one cannon".

Similar I worked with a guy who couldn't get his idioms right. He said Kill two birds with two stones once and we never let him live it down lol.

I love using the “kill two birds” but replacing birds with kittens and one stone with one brick. It’s a real attention getter in meetings, and when someone has a problem with the image I stress how much I like birds.

Kill two birds and get stoned

Kill 2 stones with one bird

My coworker would say "kill two stones with one bird." No meaning whatsoever but it's p funny

So you can have your cake and eat it huh?

My grandpa used to say this one: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but a push in the bush is worth two in the hand"

Hay, that's not funny, I've been in that "bush! Hell, I almost married it!

A bird in the hand is worth 2 with 1 stone.

Either: Your current problems are more important than potential future problems, or, Solving your problema now will preemptively solve related future problems

Kill 2 birds with one stoner

Kill two birds with one stick

Kill two stones with one bird

Two birds one cup

A Bush in the band is worth two in The Birds!

A bird in the hand shits on you way more than two in the bush.

At my work, I tried to get "two birds, one cup" started as a saying, but it didn't seem to stick.

My boss once said, "We should do x while we do y, that way we can kill two stones..."

" I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush!"

There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.

"D'oh!"

Kill two stones with one bird.

"A stone in the hand is worth two in the bush."

A penny saved is worth two in the bush, i'n'it?

My mom says “kill two birds with one early worm”

A Spanish guy once said to me “it’s like the saying - two birds with one shirt”

Killed two birds with one kidney stone.

Two birds with one stoner.

Let's get two birds stoned at the same time!

Or you can kill two stones with one bird!!

theres more than 1 way for 2 birds with 1 stone to skin a cat.

animal math is fun

Evudence that bush did in fact nine eleven

"Whatever floats your goat" has been my go-to for years.

We always say "whatever floats your goat".

I only hope this gets adopted as a conversational phrase

On the topic of dairy and farm animals, my favorite malaphor is 'milking a dead horse'.

What’s the goat idiom?

Edit: autocorrect

Whatever fits your throat

Whatever squeezes your weasel.

What's the goat part?

Whatever floats your apple.

[deleted]

Whatever gropes your pope.

I have used "that really burns my goat" before.

Aaaaand now there are 5.5K people saying this.

Edit 1.6k to 5.5k

This is the best one.

This made me laugh way harder than it should have!

Totes ma goats

Just the image of someone buttering a goat had me laughing for a solid minute.

You kill two birds with one stone but do they call you McGreggor the Double-killer? No.

But you butter one boat....

Whatever tickles your boat.

Whatever tickles your boat

Whatever butters your flaky goat crisp

Whatever tickles your pickle

This one is my favorite. I love goats and butter.

Whatever pokes your hontas

I say, "whatever floats your pickle"

I can get behind this one

I always says "whatever boats your float", but I guess that doesn't really apply as an answer to this question.

As an aside, when people respond by telling me to say it correctly, I always reply with "there's 2 sides to every pancake".

"Whatever floats your poop." -- House MD

Whatever finds your remote Whatever puts the monster in your moat

I never thought about this one being a malaphor, but now that I do, it's kinda funny because the two metaphors are kinda opposites. Whatever butters my biscuits would explicitly not get my goat.

Now I want some Indian food!

I’m appropriating this, thank you sir/ma’am.

Whatever blows your skirt up

A favorite of my Scoutmaster

This is an actual saying in Muslim countries.

What's the blind squirrel idiom?

Dempsey?

Read it as “Even a blind squirrel is twice right a day” and then I had a mini braineurysm

It's like deja vu all over again.

I liked Niccolai's sayings better.

A blind clock finds a nut twice a day

HEY! PLAYER! DROP THE CHIPS AND GET ME SOME AMMO!

"Give a blind squirrel a nut, feed him twice day; teach him to find a nut and he will stick out like a sore thumb."

EDIT: You know, I was just kidding, but I think we can all learn from this idea. I am going to try to live by this aphorism. Even though there are no squirrels near where I live.

Nikolei?

Me and my friends used to say “Even a blind clock nuts on a squirrel twice a day.”

im going use the complete fuck out of this

I'd like to slightly edit this to:

Even a blind squirrel has two nuts.

I say this a lot because the 2 idioms mean the same thing, so ppl often don't notice.

Not the same thing, but I like, "Even a blind nut finds a squirrel once in a while."

Pretty sure blind squirrels die within a day.

Conversely, “even a broken clock finds a nut once in a while”

Even a blind acorn finds a squirrel every once in a while

Even a broken squirrel finds a nut twice a day.

Even a blind squirrel nuts twice a day is a good one

I prefer a blind clock nuts twice a day personally.

I like to say "Even a stopped clock is right twice a day- but it's wrong at least fifty-nine times an hour."

Mine was always “even a blind squirrel busts a nut twice a day”

Ah yes, good ol’ Tank Dempsey

Even a blind squirrel nuts twice a day.

!redditsilver

Isn't this from Blops zombies?

Didn’t the legend Tank Dempsey say that.

Even a blind squirrel nuts twice

I always liked "Rome wasn't burnt in a day."

I have a manager who says this a lot.

Im like 90% sure he knows what he's doing and he's just being silly, but i do wonder...