I realized that a cinderblock would fall on cinderblock's head as soon as i read "a rose fell on your head" (Although i did burst out in laughter at the end of the first line).
A young man asks his father "dad, where did my brother, running bear, get his name."?
He replied, "when he was born, a bear ran right by us."
"What about my sister, Morning Dove"? The boy replied. His father said "oh a dove flew by the morning she was born. Why do you ask, two dogs fucking?"
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:11:42 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!"
The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to which he explains "thats the name of the fish, sum bitch."
"Wow, well that is a big sum bitch, lets go show it to the priest!"
The two boys run up to the priest yelling, "Priest look at this big sum bitch we caught!"
Priest- "You boys can't talk like that you're alter boys!"
Alter boys- "Priest thats the name of the fish, sum bitch"
Priest- "Well that is a nice sum bitch, lets go catch some more of those sum bitches and show em to the cardinal!"
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal.
"Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!"
Cardinal- "I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!"
Alter boys- "Well thats the name of the fish, sum bitch"
Cardinal- "I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches, lets take them to the nuns and see if she'll cook up these sum bitches!"
So the alter boys, the priest and the cardinal go see the nun. "NUN! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!?!"
Nun- "I aint cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!"
Alter boys- "Nun thats the name of the fish, sum bitch!"
Nun- "Well since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!"
That night the pope is visiting town and sets down for supper with the alter boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.
Alter boys- "I can't believe we caught all these sum bitches!"
Priest- "These are the best sum bitches I have ever ate!"
Cardinal- "Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!"
Nun- "I sure did, you boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!"
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says......."Y'all mother fuckers are alright!"
You're name isn't Aaron is it? He's this guy I know who's told this joke about 100 times and thinks it's the most hilarious thing ever, while everyone else can't stand it.
Someone (in the joke universe) got poop on the shower curtain. It was clearly someone who doesn't know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper.
You ask the victim of the joke if they know the difference. They (probably) say no, because they recognize the format of a joke and want the punchline. You then blame them for poopin' on a curtin'.
Then I try to explain the joke to you 5 days later, after you've probably forgotten about the whole thing, and have no idea why you're getting an orangered about poop on shower curtains.
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of Microsoft Certifications, Certifications I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my Microsoft Office go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will input data, I will make a graph, and I will use pivot tables.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:55:43 on June 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you Excel at that. Please contact my Publisher to show your results. Don't forget to Access your acount to prevent activation. I would keep going but eventually the joke becomes power-pointless.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:40 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
โShit I canโt go home like this my wife will kill meโ
The bartender sees this and says โput a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaningโ. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies โa drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaningโ. To which his wife says โOk well then why do you have $40 in your hand?โ โBecause he also shit in my pants.โ
Dawpr ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 11:51:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also funny to hear Dan harmon completely fail at telling this joke.
I know this comment is over 100 days old, but I was just lookin through this thread and saw someone reference Mr. B in the wild and that was a seriously important occurance. Also, I was trying to remember where I'd heard this joke before, lol
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods.
The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??!
He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...
FuzzyIon ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 11:23:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cyanide and Happiness did a sketch similar to this where the girl is playing hopscotch and the family member gets crippled when she says something.
Called "Step on a Crack"
When the main character is talking to his son's wife, as she sees him wake up in the middle of the night, and sits in bed next to him, right after the scene in the dinning table where he speaks about the the birds in the Amazon rainforest that can only speak french. In that joke, the main character is the daughter, saying he had that power as a child too.
As the movie is filled with this types of stories from him, you actually believe for a second he might be serious, that he could sense people meant to die soon, yet it ends with the milkman, he's true father, dying.
PFGtv ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:40:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kangaroo walks into a bar and looks at the menu. The bartender says, Wow! We don't get many kangaroos in here! The kangaroo says, And at these prices you aren't likely to get many more!
Dude thats crazy i just got a prostate exam, weird the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders....strange right?
[deleted] ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 05:19:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"*notices buldge Ow0 wats this?"
I'm sorry but I just need to reference this no matter how disappointing
ethium0x ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 08:17:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edit: I'm sorry everyone, I should have put a NSFL warning at the beginning. Oh well, too late
Rawr x3 nuzzles how are you pounces on you you're so warm o3o notices you have a bulge o: someone's happy ;) nuzzles your necky wecky~ murr~ hehehe rubbies your bulgy wolgy you're so big :oooo rubbies more on your bulgy wolgy it doesn't stop growing ยท///ยท kisses you and lickies your necky daddy likies (; nuzzles wuzzles I hope daddy really likes $: wiggles butt and squirms I want to see your big daddy meat~ wiggles butt I have a little itch o3o wags tail can you please get my itch~ puts paws on your chest nyea~ its a seven inch itch rubs your chest can you help me pwease squirms pwetty pwease sad face I need to be punished runs paws down your chest and bites lip like I need to be punished really good~ paws on your bulge as I lick my lips I'm getting thirsty. I can go for some milk unbuttons your pants as my eyes glow you smell so musky :v licks shaft mmmm~ so musky drools all over your cock your daddy meat I like fondles Mr. Fuzzy Balls hehe puts snout on balls and inhales deeply oh god im so hard~ licks balls punish me daddy~ nyea~ squirms more and wiggles butt I love your musky goodness bites lip please punish me licks lips nyea~ suckles on your tip so good licks pre of your cock salty goodness~ eyes role back and goes balls deep mmmm~ moans and suckles
Which is more offensive to your sensibilities: that you live in a world which allows this to exist, or that it was constructed wholecloth from your own subconscious?
2plusde ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 10:36:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it better with emojis
Rawr๐ฒ๐ x3๐ nuzzles how are you๐๐ pounces on you๐ you're๐ so๐ warm๐ค๐ o3o๐ notices๐ฏ you have a bulge๐ o:๐ฏ๐ฎ someone's happy๐ ;)๐๐ nuzzles your necky wecky๐๐~ murr~ hehehe๐ rubbies๐๐ค your bulgy๐ wolgy you're๐ so big๐ฏ๐ฎ :oooo rubbies๐๐ค more on your bulgy๐ wolgy it๐ซ doesn't stop๐ growing ยท///ยท ๐kisses๐๐ you๐ and lickies๐๐ ๐ฆ๐ฆ your necky๐ daddy๐ฆ๐ฆ likies ๐(;๐๐ nuzzles๐ wuzzles I๐ hope๐๐ daddy๐ really likes๐๐ฆ๐ฆ $: wiggles butt๐ and squirms I๐ want๐ to see๐๐๏ธ๐๏ธ your๐ big๐ daddy๐ฆ๐ฆ meat๐๐~ wiggles butt๐ I๐ have๐ a little๐ itch o3o๐ฌ wags๐คค tail can you๐ please get my itch๐~ puts paws๐พ on your๐ช chest nyea๐~ its a seven7๏ธโฃ inch๐๐ itch๐ rubs๐๐ค your chest can you help๐ท meโฌ๏ธ pwease๐๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ squirms pwetty pwease๐๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ sad faceโน๏ธ๐๐ญ๐ข I๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ฉ need to2๏ธโฃ be๐ punished๐ runs paws๐พ downโฌ๏ธโฌ๏ธโฌ๏ธ your๐ chest and bites lip๐๐ like Iโฌ๏ธ๐ need๐ to2๏ธโฃ be๐ punished really good๐๐๐~ ๐พ on your bulge๐ as Iโฌ๏ธ lick๐ my lips๐๐ I'mโฌ๏ธ๐ getting thirsty๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ. Iโฌ๏ธ๐ can๐ go๐ for4๏ธโฃ some๐ milk๐ฅ๐ผ๐ unbuttons๐ your pants๐ as my eyes๐๏ธ๐๏ธ glow๐ you๐ smell so musky๐ :v๐ฏ licks shaft๐ mmmm๐~ so musky๐ drools๐คค all over your cock๐๐ฆ๐ฆ your๐ daddy๐๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ meat๐ I๐ like๐๐๐ fondles Mr. Fuzzy Balls๐ถ๐ฑ hehe๐ puts snout๐ฝ on ballsโฝโพ๐๐๐๐๐ฑ๐พ๐ณ๐ and inhales deeply๐จ๐จ๐ฌ๏ธ oh๐จ god๐จ im so hard๐ฑ~ licks ballsโฝโพ๐๐๐๐๐ฑ๐พ๐ณ๐ punish me๐ฒ daddy๐๐ฆ๐ฆ~ nyea~๐ซ squirms ๐ซmore and wiggles butt๐ I love๐๐ your musky๐ goodness๐๐ bites lip๐๐ please๐ punish๐ค๐ค me๐ง licks๐๐๐ lips nyea~๐ซ suckles on your tip๐๐ so good๐๐ licks๐ ๐ ๐ฆ๐ฆ pre of your cock๐ salty๐ goodness๐๐๐~ eyes role back๐ฐ and goes balls deep๐ฑ ๐ฐmmmm~ moans๐ฐ and suckles๐
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:35:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I really hate it when people claim that a post on the internet gave them cancer. Like, cancer is a real and horrible problem that people need serious medical treatment from, and people die every day from cancer, in serious pain.
That said: this post gave me fucking cancer.
zyqkvx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:12:54 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I spend 5 hours masturbating before my prostate exams. I edge, and edge, and edge, until a butterfly sneezing on my taint could bring me to orgasm. I tactfully shuffle my way down to the doctorโs office and when he lubes up I nearly cum every time. But Iโve trained my keggle muscles enough to the point where I can hold in Mount Vesuviusโs wrath. then as soon as he puts the smallest bit of pressure on my prostate I unleash with the fury of a lion hunting itโs prey. As the room gets covered in my hot sticky juices the doctor looks on disgusted and leaves the room. I always go to a hospital far away from where I live to get it so that I donโt have to go in for surgery under the doctor that I busted to. Best thing is we have free healthcare here, so the doctor gets me off and itโs covered by taxpayers. Thatโs my fetish.
The other day I was on the bus and this smoking hot Thai girl got on and sat next to me. I wanted to speak to her, but was too nervous. I sat there saying to myself "Be cool man, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection." And then she did.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:18:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Zabaoth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:51 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Them fighting words. I'd also performed an sonogram.
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"
The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"
The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
mckim10 ยท 1711 points ยท Posted at 00:48:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, โWeโre looking for two child molesters.โ
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
Eh might as well. My friend is pretty suicidal and I feel like thereโs nothing I can do to help. I found a clinic with trained psychologist that he could go to, but he still seems to scared to actually book an appointment. Heโs my closest friend and I have no idea what Iโd do without him. I literally have the new patient form on me, all he needs is his family doctor to fill it out. I made sure it was covered by the gouvernement because he told me how shit his health insurance is. Heโs gotten to a point where talking to a friend wonโt help him anymore, he needs to see a professional.
I also went from 11pm on Tuesday to 7pm on Wednesday without food. I was running late to class this morning so I wasnโt able to make something before I left. I canโt afford to get food when Iโm out so I was stuck. The stress of school and hunger pains donโt go well together. I ended up finding a bagel in an unused classroom, it was weeks old but I was so desperate. I didnโt have it because the risk wasnโt worth the reward. I found a can of pop and used that to fend off the pain for the last hour of class. It was honestly pretty unsuccessful and probably made things worse because it was Diet Coke and diet pop makes me wanna vomit.
Tomorrow will be spent on campus trying to finish 3 projects due that night. Iโve been too depressed to start them and the only place I can work on one of them is on campus, a place I want to desperately avoid. The not eating thing has become a bit of a pattern so now I associate being on campus with being so hungry that I canโt function properly anymore.
Shit is just kinda shit and like most of it is my fault so I honestly shouldnโt complain.
It does, thatโs where I actually got the form for my friend. Iโve been going every other week I honestly probably shouldโve mentioned the food thing, but oh well.
Look after both of you. I know what itโs like to have mental illness as well as physical illness. The courage to dig deep and get up again can come from anywhere. But itโs good that you have spoken up and asked for help. Well done.
You are a good friend. Now I'm worried about you. Do you have a friend or classmate with a dining hall card? They could sneak some food out to you. My boyfriend in college literally couldn't afford meals and he made it only by working at the dining hall, getting one big meal a day, and sneaking food out in his pockets. I don't even think it's wrong considering that tuition is so high young people have to go hungry. You have enough food at home?
Do you like hugs? I'll send you an internet hug. I hope things get better for you and your friend. You're a very good friend by the way, I know it feels like you can never do enough but you've been awesome to him.
An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably. F this, F that, F you and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman's outstretched hand. He looks into the lady's eyes and says "Ma'am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?"
Pirate bought a parrot, parrot wouldn't stop saying "F you, you one eyed bastard!"
After putting up with it for a while, the pirate stuck the parrot in the freezer, then promptly forgot about it.
Next morning, he opens the freezer door, and the pirate is frozen solid (gotta pantomime this part) with one wing covering one of his eyes, and the other with his middle "finger" sticking up.
Emeryll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:43:08 on September 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean it makes the joke funnier, but im.pretty sure you meant to write parrot in that last paragraph
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A man is driving around town with a car full of penguins, je gets pulled over and the officer yells him that he needs to take those penguins to the zoo.
The next day the man is driving with his penguins again and is pulled over by the same officer, the officer looks at the man and says
"Son didnt i tell you to take those penguins tobthe zoo"
Yes officer you did, today im taking them to the movies"
I think one is better the way my mom used to tell it. A zookeeper was driving the penguins to their new zoo when his truck broke down. A guy with a van pulled over to help and the zookeeper says "I can get the truck towed, but I need a huge favor. I'll give you $300 if you'll take these penguins to the zoo" So the guy says "Sure!", loads the penguins in his van and takes off. Later that day the zookeeper is having a coffee while his truck gets fixed and he sees the guy walking down the street with all the penguins following him. He runs out and says "Hey! What's going on? I thought you agreed to take those penguins to the zoo! I even gave you $300!" The guys says "I did take them to the zoo! But we had so much money left over, now we're going to the movies!"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:48:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really loved this one and the previous one. I want more penguin jokes!
It's unrealistic though. The engine would be toast after even a mile with the oil pressure light on. For that reason I simply won't allow myself to laugh at this joke, keep it believable guys. ๐
034lyf ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 12:53:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know. How is the penguin driving with flippers? So many plot holes.
I've heard this joke told about an eskimo driving his sled which breaks down. The repairman: "looks like you blew a seal". Eskimo: No, just a little frost on the mustache
Two policemen are doing their patrol along the docks when they come across a small penguin hiding behind a trash can. Unsure of what to do, they bring the penguin to the Sheriff.
"Sir," asks one of them "We where walking along the harbor when we came across this little penguin; what do we do with it?"
"Well, take it to the zoo, of course." says the Sheriff.
A couple of days go by, until the Sheriff is surprised by seeing the same two officers walking back into his office, with the little penguin, now garbed in Disney merchandise, following close behind.
"What is the meaning of this??" demands the Sheriff.
"Sir, we came back because we've run out of ideas on what to do with it. the first day we took it to the zoo, as you said. The next day we took it to the cinema and the day after that we went to Disneyland."
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:52:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.
The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"
The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.
Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye."
The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet.
The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.
Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.
"Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got... $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it."
The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.
The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.
The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.
Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar.
Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass.
Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.
All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs.
The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is."
To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."
Obscu ยท 750 points ยท Posted at 23:05:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont see what is so hard to understand. It's an expression. If a joke to too wordy or long you say, "cut some of the fat out of that joke". Ideally you want premise and punch line as efficient as possible.
We like our beer like we like our violence, domestic.
That joke cannot be told more simply and adding to it would make it less funny, not more. It's as low fat as it gets. You need every word but nothing else.
Pick-up Guy: [sitting at the counter inside the Tarasco Bar] This reminds me of a joke. This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, foosh, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This version works best on film, coming from Quentin Tarantino. The OP works better as a written joke I think. One is conversational and the other is something you read like an article.
Ive heard variations that involved him getting 1,000 dollars for pissing on the bar and 2,000 if he could do it a second time and 10,000 if the bartender was ecstatic.
What's the better disease, Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
Parkinson's.
Because spilling half your pint beats forgetting where you left it.
JerHat ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 07:20:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna have to try this at my girlfriendโs next work function she makes me go to. She works for an Alzheimerโs charity. Hopefully sheโll never ask me to go to one again.
Two hobos were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his nuts. One hobo says wistfully, โGee, I wish could do that.โ His companion replies, โWell, maybe you should start by petting him first.โ
[deleted] ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 00:13:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a pub and says "look at that dog over there licking his bollocks! I wish I could do that!" And the landlord says "give him a biscuit and he might let you"
Bachina ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 12:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here is my hobo joke.
Two hobos were walking down a road in the middle of winter. It's freezing outside and they haven't eaten for an entire week. All of a sudden they come across a dead bird. Hobo 1 digs up a knife and starts eating the bird. Hobo 2 just stares at him until hobo 1 offers him a bite. Hobo 2 says 'no thank you, you can have it'.
Then hobo 1 finishes his bird and they keep on walking. Then after some while they walk upon a dead cat that has been run over. Hobo 1 digs up his knife again and starts eating the cat, and like before, offers hobo 2 a bite. He again politely declines the offer.
They start walking again and come across a dead skunk, it has been dead for a while and smells rather disgusting. Hobo 1 starts eating it and yet again hobo 2 declines his offer of a bite.
They keep on walking, and hobo 1 is starting to feel a bit ill. Eventually he vomits everything he ate straight to the ground.
Then hobo 2 digs out a spoon from his pocket and starts eating the vomit saying "I knew that eventually I'd get a hot meal".
Two roommates work in a laboratory outside of Hamilton, Ontario. Steve, a regular fellow, and Gork, a literal caveman. He puts on a button-down shirt and tie every day in an attempt to fit in, but he just canโt stop being a knuckle-dragging caveman (albeit in a lab coat).
After several years of working there, some of Gorkโs coworkers are talking during a coffee break. โGork strikes me as really weird,โ said one man, โHeโs been here at the lab for like 6 years, and he never really developed any manners. I figured he would be civilized by now.โ
Another coworker takes a sip of his coffee, thinks for a minute, and says, โWell, I suppose you really canโt expect him to evolve. He commutes with theย Hamiltonian.โ
tomfoli ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:44:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Explain
ManMan36 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:02:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mosquito spreads disease. In biology, something that does that is known as a vector.
A mountain climber scales a mountain, so you could say that they are a scalar.
In mathematics, to cross means to take the cross product. The cross product takes two vectors as inputs and outputs another vector. It is not defined for scalars (run of the mill numbers). Hence the joke.
They make a joke like this in Dumb & Dumber! "She broke up with me. Gave me some crap about never listening to her. I don't know - I wasn't really paying attention."
That makes sense. I like the highlight reel of his jokes that are often retold online, but I've never been able to get really into his stuff unfortunately
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 05:44:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always hated when his sets ended. Being all nervous as he was, it seemed like he would finally get going towards the end and relax and then they'd cut him off.
Ugh, he was supposed to perform here in Baltimore when he killed himself. I saw the Presidents of the United States of America the following night (same venue) and they did one of his jokes before every song.
It can be possible that you don't entirely get the joke. The joke is how dumb the son is. If someone says, "Are you even listening to me?" and that's the first thing you hear, you would obviously assume they said something beforehand that you weren't paying attention to. The son in this joke is too dumb to realize that and they actually think the dad began the conversation with, "Are you even listening to me?".
Mookest ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It think it should go something more like. "My wife left me the other day. She said something about me not listening... I don't know, I wasn't paying attention."
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
ย
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties andย
thongs."
ย
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
ย
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."
ย
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
ย
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
ย
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
ย
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic onย the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
This is one of my go-to jokes!! Here's another (a warning that it's probably best not to tell it unless you're a newfie too):
A Newfoundlander is on a plane on his way to take a little trip by himself to Ontario. He sits down and starts making small talk with the man sitting next to him, and soon enough asks his seatmate "what do you do for a living?" His seatmate says, "I'm a psychoanalyst." The newfie asks, "what's that?" and his new friend replies, "it's kind of hard to explain, let me give you an example: do you like have a fishtank at home?" "Sure do," says the newfie. "And I bet cause you like fish you must like boating." The newfie nods his head yes. "Well if you like boating I daresay you like swimming." "I do indeed," says the newfie. "Well then," says his friend, "I suppose you like going to the beach to do that." The newfie nods again. "And I guess if you like going to the beach you probably enjoy looking at women in their bathing suits. "Damn right!" says the newfie. "Well there you go," says his seatmate, "using just a tiny bit of information I've learned so much about you." The newfie finds this pretty neat and the two men resume their smalltalk all the way to Ontario. A week later, the newfie's on another flight on his way home, sits down next to a feller on the plane, and starts making small talk. "What do you do for a living?" his seatmate asks him. Not wanting to admit that he's on EI and left the province, the newfie says, "well I'm a psychoanalyst." "What's that?" asks his new friend. "It's a bit tough to explain, so I'll give you an example," says the newfie. "Do you have a fishtank?" "No," says his seatmate. "Jesus by what are ya, some kind of queer?"
AJreborn ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 06:54:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other man doesn't have a fishtank, so clearly, he must not enjoy boating, swimming, visiting the beach, or ogling pretty ladies in their bathing suit. Therefore, queer.
I have heard a different version of this joke which is not a newfie joke.
The psychoanalyst determines that since the guy has a fishtank, he is well off. He has a big family, a nice house, and an active sex life. The guy goes out to his friend and says 'Do you have a fish tank?' 'No' 'Then you're a wanker'
Mick is holed up in his living room as hes broken both of his legs, so he decided to invite paddy over for company. When paddy gets there mick asks him if he could go upstairs to his bedroom and grab his slippers. In the bedroom paddy finds micks two gorgeous daughters sitting on the bed. He says to them, "your dads sent me up here to fuck the both of you". Disgusted the girls call him a liar saying their dad wouldnt do that. "Watch this", says paddy and he shouts downstairs; "mick, both of them or just the one?"
"Both of them, whats the point in fucking one?" Mick replies.
jenk182 ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 01:49:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fuckin' newf jokes are near and dear to my heart, sure
nexxdexx ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:40:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jumpin Jesus, I thinks I found me new go-to joke, thanks buddy !
I tried it on my brother and got a silent death stare for a good 20 seconds before I cracked and he realized I was fucking with him. He was really fighting back some real rage there, lol.
Me: "I've lost my calculator."
Wife: "Thereโs one on your phone, or just open an excel sheet on the computer."
Me: โI have nothing to add..โ
Wife: โHuh?โ
If you have a computer and windows, hit the keyboard's windows key, type in "calc" as the menu is showing up, press enter, Calculator starts. Opening Excelt is more work.
Gregitt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works better if you turn it into a narrative. Unless you have somebody with you who understands the structure of the joke, this would just end up being a random piece of conversation.
I've been giggling at pretty much all the jokes on here, but for some reason your comment caught me completely off-guard, and I am literally in tears and have been laughing for the last three minutes. Damn, but it's hard to type when you're gasping for air and can't see the screen through your tears.
Friend, if I could, I'd give you gold, because you made my fucking night.
(Edit: the best I can do is !RedditSilver)
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:29:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this is the case 9 times out of 10. And just remember your not uneducated because you don't know big words, it's not how many words you know it's how you use them!
Extesht ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:47:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a kid in my home room in high school that ended up on Dr. Phil for being a klepto. We always wondered why he gave out bags of gummy worms every day
So two cows are talking in a field, The first cow says "hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that is going around?" The second cow says "Im sure glad it doesnt effect us helicopters."
Lmao. I didn't get it until this comment either. Thanks man ๐
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:43:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three cows are in the field. One cow says "Moo." Second cow says, "Moo moo.". Third cow says, " Moo moo moo." The second cow says to the first cow, "Hey, let's get out of here. That cow talks too much."
An old bull and a young bull were standing up on a hill overlooking their herd. The young bull says "Let's run down there and fuck some of them cows.". The old bull shakes his head and replies "Naw, let's walk down there and fuck em all."
Two nuns are riding a bicycle to the market. They take a shortcut.
The first nun says "I've never come this way before!"
The other nun replied "It's probably the cobblestones"
Nuns carry crosses around their necks and crosses deter vampires. โTo be crossโ is also a verb that means โto be angryโ. The nun is showing the vampire sheโs angry by swearing at him.
youpept ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:24:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. It's only the last part I didn't get.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:09:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
think it works better if you end it as "if she drinks the whole bottle she'll probly suck it". otherwise theres really no joke twist its just a double meaning. thats the version i heard atleast
This is the only one to make me chuckle at the device in my hand
Blue2501 ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 03:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it like this:
The first old maid, she had a stroke right there and then. The second old maid, she had a stroke too! Then the third old maid, she looked over at the first two and said, "You girls are disgusting!"
gojaejin ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 04:46:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While we're on versions of this pun:
Turns out Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack as originally believed. It's been reported that hospital employees found him in the children's ward having a stroke.
munky82 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:13:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man goes around the old age home asking people to guess his age. One lady says she can do that but she needs to put her hands in his pants. He reluctantly agrees. So she digs and fiddle in his crotch for a while. "83" she says. "How did you know that?" he asked. She replies, "You told me yesterday"
dhb44 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:23:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three women at a male strip club. They go and admire a dancer. One lady takes out a 5, licks it, and places it on the guys left butt cheek. Not to be outdone, the second lady takes out a 5, licks it, and places it on the guys right cheek. The first two women look to the third. She sighs, pulls out her credit card, swipes the crack, and leaves with the 15$.
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
kalabash ยท 613 points ยท Posted at 00:32:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The entire thread. This is the one that brought tears to my eyes. Genius.
It's the expectation. The listener is hearing it going 'what the fuck is this guy's brilliant plan? I can't think of anything....' then... Nothing. And the absence of a brilliant plan is what makes it so funny & ridiculous
sushi_cw ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 00:34:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The key is, at the end, you act out guy #3 complete with wild arm flailing and head bobbing.
Jodje ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 01:49:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arranged for ease in reading.
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
The idea is that you'd expect the third guy to have some sort of plan with his wishes, and the punchline would be finding out what his plan was. Instead, it turns out he's just an idiot who chose his wishes poorly.
Aha! Thanks. I kinda thought that but it wasnโt that funny so thought I mightโve missed something. Also, anyone helpfully explaining things to me gets a pass on any grammatical errors.
It's not a matter of understanding so much as the fact that swyping on my autocorrected it, and I don't care enough to take the time to proof read a Reddit comment.
This is one of those jokes that I read entirely every time I see it, even though I know the ending. It's just to damn funny.
jdose92 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:55:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just laughed myself to tears reading this, then I had to explain myself to my wife sitting across the couch from me, who then asked for me to read her the joke.
It took about 10 minutes for me to get through it because I kept breaking every time I read the third guyโs wishes since I knew the punchline.
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"
So the man told his story.
"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
I read this on a similar askreddit thread about a year ago and laughed so hard I thought I was going to die. I wanted to tell it to everyone, but knew I wouldnโt get halfway through without busting up and ruining it, so I practiced it. The joke itself isnโt as funny to me anymore, but the reactions I get when I tell it are fucking hilarious.
Thats like me with my famously told "dave joke". First time i heard it was the funniest joke id ever heard. But now ive practised it, retold it and perfected it over the years its no longer funny to me.
Whenever i meet my sisters friends though she always insists that i tell the dave joke.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:40:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ehrwien ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 00:47:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the expectation that builds up in the audience, everybody thinks he's got some elaborate plan how that could benefit him, but in the end, all those expectations are just shattered because he was just a dumb fuck, and in this way it's a damn fine punch line for a joke.
JerHat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:14:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs 3 am, Iโm in bed and canโt sleep, and I just woke my girlfriend up because this was the first joke that actually made me laugh out loud. Thank you.
A co-worker told me this but added in the animations for the third guy. It was so stupid, yet hilarious, I would burst out laughing for weeks every time I would think about it.
I canโt begin to tell you the joy this joke has brought to me since you posted it. I read it to my husband, we died. Ever since, we keep finding situation where โguys I think I fucked upโ fits perfectly.
Thank you
__i0__ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:08 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want you to know that 5 days later and this joke is still just killing me.
I'm terrible at telling jokes and this is my wife's by far because
- The joke is ridiculous
- I'm ridiculous with my arms waving around and my head bobbing like crazy.
- I can't get through it without laughing hysterically
- I tell the joke wrong but meander to the end.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:06:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tried telling this to my mom and it took me 5 minutes cause I kept laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn't stand and I was drooling...thank you for that
I love this joke so much but have sadly been striking out with it at work. It is literally one of my favorites... And I will keep telling it to anybody who will listen!
OMG I have to log in my reddit to upvote you. I bursted in laughter when I read "Guys, I think I fucked up." god ! my boss is at my side I can't stop laughing! ahahahah!
A guy told us this joke last week over dinner. Took us some seconds to realize that all the tension build up was to distract us from the fact that the guy made a terrible mistake.
On the bright side, imagine his career prospects as a DJ given his newfound handy 'gift'... I like to think that he went under the alias of DJ Hurricane to make a living!
Out of all the jokes in this thread, this one got me the most. I was fully expecting a clever punch line to do with this guys wishes. Reminds of man with a small orange for a head joke
I tried reading this to my husband and I lost it crying about three fucking times. Then he said โthatโs not a good jokeโ so thanks for ruining my marriage.
Your POV left arm is clockwise if you looked at it., so forward (like a swimmer). Right arm is counterclockwise if you look at it so also forward (like a swimmer). Someone else's POV they both go backwards. Either way they go the same direction as the other.
I am confused though. One going forward and the other arm going back, one of your arms will be pointed at the sky on the other will be pointed out the ground if you start rotating at the same time right?
Look to your left. If your left arm is going clockwise it should be going forward. Look to your right. If your right arm is going counterclockwise, it should be going forward as well. It's like how in a hallway, you always stay on the right side, and even though everyone is on the right, they're on different sides of the hallway. If you asked people to go forward on the left and backward on the right, they'd be on the same side. If your arms are clockwise on the left and counterclockwise on the right, they spin the same way.
Kuxir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:54:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you have a clock on your left and a clock on your right the hands on the clocks would be going in opposite directions. How you see your arms should be mirroring the clocks on your right/left. The only way they would be going the same direction is from the perspective of another person looking at you from the side.
I pictured it like he's holding his arms out in front of him, and just the forearms are rotating. It looks sort of like the inflatable worm things you see outside of storefronts.
Iโm also a teacher. Once my 10 year old student said to his friends โhey guys.. โ and I had to bite my tongue because the rest almost popped out.
A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.
As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"
The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"
Daealis ยท 357 points ยท Posted at 08:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this the other way around. As the man arrives to the hotel with his wife and kids waiting in the lobby, the clerk asks "would you like the porn channel on your room to be disabled, sir?"
To which the man replies in disgust, "No, just regular porn, you sick fuck".
Myschly ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 10:00:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is stupid. I can damn near guarantee they won't be showing this.
It's gonna be way too hard to follow for all those folks who haven't caught up on 1-3. Not to mention the other in-universe world building movies like "The D is for the Disabled"
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 07:21:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Please make sure the porn channel is disabled" is saying "Please make sure the ___(noun) is ___(adjective) like "Please make sure the coffee is hot." Except in this case it sounds like he's asking for the porn to be of the disabled variety.
I agree that it's not very obvious though. I didn't get the joke until I read the comments but technically it does work.
It's not very obvious because it's more subtle. The subtlety is what makes this joke funny - the confusion you feel is literally the point in the joke.
It was his first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked him overboard. Before the crew could pull him out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off his leg.
waydle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd guess there is a whole load of disabled porn. If I were in a wheel chair I'd prolly be trying to find wheel chair porn. I imagine that's a common thing.
Just like right now. I try to find porn where the dude has a small dick.
Sexuality of disabled people is a huge taboo. Understandable because of the heightened risk of exploitation and abuse but I think its an issue completely swept under the rug. There is a sex club in Toronto and there that runs a disabled night and there was a ton of mixed reception but it seemed to be overwhelmingly positive for the actual disabled participants to have a platform for their sexuality to be celebrated rather than dismissed.
I also do not know what porn is, or that there is a never ending list of categories and fetishes catered to, some that you don't even know you have until you see them.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:14:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read so many jokes online online and many Reddit joke threads and maybe it's the wine but this is one of few times I've legit laughed out loud at a joke.
I tell the lady I want two piece on the plate. She says "you better not piss on the plate, you sonuvabitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonuvabitch!
I think getting torn up was the problem in the first place...
ItsSam_JK ยท 13813 points ยท Posted at 00:41:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโve heard of Murphyโs law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
But have you heard of Coleโs law?
Itโs thinly sliced cabbage.
I always start laughing half way through the joke though so usually the delivery isnโt that good
The only reason Iโm laughing at this joke is because Iโm thinking of you two people laughing so hard youโre unable to deliver the joke. I know my husband will laugh so hard though so I want to tell him but now Iโll be thinking of you two and I wonโt be able to make it through!
Was going to say the same thing. What makes this actually funny is the idea that these guys think it's so funny they can't contain themselves. I love when people "break".
4 months later and I just told this joke to my girlfriend. I had to practice saying it in my head a few times first to get the giggles out because I was thinking the same thing.
I had a teacher named Mr. Cole who sold t-shirts with this joke on them. Tons of people bought them 'cause everyone liked the teacher. They became a whole thing. He was an 8th grade teacher at one of the middle schools, but I still see seniors in the hall of the high school wearing them.
Coleslaw is usually a small side that comes with a meal at a burger joint. Its thinly sliced cabbage, mixed with mayo and things like thinly sliced carrots as well.
Google a picture of it, i'm not a fan of things smothered in mayo (lobster rolls, coleslaw, etc) but a lot of people love coleslaw in the US.
I knew Cole's Law from the Murphy's Law book and I had always thought that there was something that I was missing because I never got "Cole's Law : Thinly sliced cabbage".
Coleslaw on yhdysvaltalaiseen ruokakulttuuriin kuuluva kaalisalaatti. Pรครคraaka-aineensa silputun kerรคkaalin lisรคksi se sisรคltรครค usein raastettua porkkanaa. Kastike on majoneesi- ja etikkapohjainen.ย Wikipedia
Google a picture of coleslaw dog its thinly sliced cabbage mixed with mayo.
Doesn't tickle my peach however theres always some lunatic at the table that is willing to eat my side of coleslaw.
I however, am the mad man that will take everyones extra side pickles and devour them with more pleasure than I get from the dessert afterwards.. So who am I to talk bad about some cabbage-mayo.
This is my favorite joke -ever-! I tell it on a weekly basis if not more often. I like to use it to lighten the mood when someoneโs accidentally brought it down.
No, Cole's law is that the location of Earth and the Inner Colonies must not fall into Covenant hands. Retreating ships must escape on randomized jump vectors directed away from the Inner Colonies. Ships in danger of capture must wipe their navigational databases and self-destruct.
I got this question wrong on an exam because I missed class on the day the professor told the joke.
I have never felt as stupid as I did the moment the realization kicked in.
There are 10 types of people: Those that understand binary, those that don't, those that think this is a joke about ternary, and those that realize that it is, in fact, a joke about quaternary.
Gnixxus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly read this, reread it, reread it a third time and laughed as i haven't for a long while!
These two comments are perfect for each other. I think I'll use them in conjunction with the other. "What do you get. .." and then immediately say "there are two kinds of people in the world. ."
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:39:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently there is one type of person on Reddit and they all posted the incomplete data set joke simultaneously.
So a joke that only works if I enter a room then leave right after? I guess if you want people to think your weird in social settings, sure, people will laugh at you.
No, I have a regular sense of humour, that's how I know that joke isn't really all that funny. Its just clever, but not funny. Try that joke at a house party, its lame.
Underrated how? Thereโs no rating system for jokes. Upvotes are as much a function of time as anything and you didnโt wait very long to see if anyone else liked the joke.
lllamma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine and puts in 40 cents. The machine displays "DIME" on the screen. The man gets close to the machine and whispers, "Yo quiero Pepsi"
A Spaniard flew to Argentina, at the airport in Buenos Aires he asked a local, "Donde puedo coger un taxi?" And the porteรฑo shrugged, pointed to the exhaust and said "por el tubo"
There are a few other countries that you can use coger in a sense to catch or grab. I want to say it's used in Ecuador the same as Spain. But yes generally it's "to fuck" in the americas.
Anyway, the way I heard it, the etymology of coger had to do with the Conquista. The soldiers would grab the indรญgenas, and they would be saying "grab her, grab her" but since rape was so common coger evolved into "to fuck" in many of the New World countries
Yeah. Same basic semantic shift that made rape mean rape today (it used to be primarily used in the sense of theft by seizure, taking, or grabbing, as in the poem The Rape of the Lock).
In Peru coger is to grab too. Did not know coger was "to fuck" everywhere else. Wonder now how many of my friends thought i was trying to fuck everything i grabbed...
In Colombia, "coger" is definitely "to get / grab"...especially in the case of the common expression "coger un taxi" = "take a taxi". Had never heard of "coger" equating to "joder" (= to fuck) ๐ค
Yeah after living in the southern cone for a few years and then traveling up through the Andean countries and hearing people say coger so casually I couldn't help but to laugh every time
Lived in Ecuador, never heard coger used as "to fuck". Maybe I missed it (was a mormon missionary), but I feel like I had a pretty good understanding of their vulgarities.
Oh my god. Iโm in the USA, but most of my slang Spanish came from an old Spanish roommate of mine. Iโve worked in so many restaurants and nobody ever said a thing.
Iโm equally embarrassed and heartwarmed.
Itโs not quite as bad as when I confused enfadada-Spain Spanish and enojada-Latin American Spanish and ended up furiously saying โยกestoy enfollada!โ
For non Spanish speakers, I confused two different words for mad and ended up saying Iโm fucked!
miniRNA ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:07:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coger is bad for Argentinians but not for many other Spanish speakers, SK maybe you were fine ;) I seriously doubt they wouldn't have laughed if hearing you say it and having that meaning forthem
In a similar vein, 'joder' means to mess with in Cuba, seems like everywhere else it means to fuck. I got looks in an airport when I tried complaining to my parents about what a pest my brother was being.
Yeah this is not true. In all the Caribbean and most of South America coger is to grab. The coger-fuck think is NOT a universal even in the countries bordering Argentina.
edit: NOT*
I always knew coger=fuck to be an Argentina thing.
miniRNA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:06:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually,I think it's Argentina, Uruguay (I believe?) and maybe some other countries, but I think I remember from when I studied that stuff, not majority of places
Ian502 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:11:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The "por la pipa" expression I've never heard it. You probably meant "Caรฑo" or "Tubo" (de Escape)
No se le dice pipa, al tubo o caรฑo de escape, o simplemente se le dice escape.
I think from where you heard that joke mis-translated "pipe" as in exhaust pipe. But pipe here it's the pipe you smoke. Or the Sunflower Seeds that you eat (Pipas!).
Do you know what the difference between choice and choose is?
Choice is a decision you would make and choose is something Mexicans wear on their feet.
locotx ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:27:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice! An ese was cruzin in his Lowrider and sees an Asian hottie walking on the sidewalk.... he pulls up next to her and yells "Want a ride? Japonesa!" (hop on esa)
Punchline doesn't really make sense in Spanish though...
porilo ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 05:35:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spanish here. It means "That's actually it" or "this is it, indeed".
nun0 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:33:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking "This is what it is". Would that be the straight up literal translation?
porilo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:32:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The word-by-word literal translation is "that is that is", or "that is what is".
In Spanish, in a neutral sentence, you would just say "Eso es" (that's it) or "Sรญ, eso es" (yes, that's it). "Eso sรญ que es" is an emphatic form, not extremely frecuent but not uncommon either. You can translate it to English more appropriately like (that's very much it), (that's the thing, indeed)... you get the idea.
A gringa is married to a Hispanic man. He's going to the store, and she says: "We need toothpaste. Get some Crest, and if they don't have any, Colgate!". He hung himself that same day.
They really donโt teach it in or even mention it in America (except presumably at advances levels), but many countries use it exclusively in place of tรบ. Itโs not to be confused with Spainโs plural vosotros form.
It is common to repeat vos at the end: venรญ vos is โcome here.โ
If youโre interested look up โel voseoโ.
bigthink ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm assuming colgar means to hang making colgate translate to hang yourself. The joke works best as text because the pronunciation is different. Or maybe that makes it subtly better.
"Eso es que es" it makes no sense at all. It is like of a gringo was given Spanish words but no context for the meaning of words or any explanation on grammar, this is what you would come up with.
So Pepito is on the way back to Mexico from a class trip to the US, they are at the border and all the other kids have crossed but Pepito is still on the US side, shaking with fear. His teacher walks over to him and asks what's wrong? "I'm afraid of Well?" says Pepito. "What are you talking about?" his teacher asks. Pepito points to a large sign, "It says right there! 'Well come Paisanos!'"
Banana42 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:29:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly what roguedevil wrote, come means eats. I'll just add that Paisanos, while it does mean countrymen, more recently it's the word used to refer specifically to Mexican people living in the US who have family in Mexico, visit regularly and send money to their families over here. Which is why the sign would be written like that. Paisanos are kind of very important for Mexican economy.
Taco Bell is a disgrace to all of Mexico. If you are going to sell that crap sell it under your own countries name. Call it something else besides a "taco".
I laughed a bit, I must say however no one says โyo quiero Pepsiโ, you would sayโ quiero una Pepsiโ or โdame una Pepsiโ, people hardly ever say โyoโ before a verb like in english.
A Salvadoreรฑo goes to prison in Texas. He is walking down the the cell block carrying his bed roll, shower shoes, and what not. A large gentleman reaches through the bars of his cell, grabs the Salvadoreรฑo by the shirt collar, pulls him in close, and whispers in his ear, "I'm gonna make you mine tonight, pretty boy." Confused, the Salvadoreรฑo say, "Mande?" The man in the cell pulls him in tighter and screams, "NOT MONDAY, I SAID TONIGHT!"
"Dime" in Spanish means "Tell me." Since the guy speaks Spanish, he thinks the machine is instructing him to tell it what he wants. He says, "Yo quiero Pepsi," or "I want Pepsi." ;)
The joke isn't that there's currently a lot of Germans in Poland, though. Any joke about Germany and Poland can usually be assumed to be referring to the past event of Germany's invasion of Poland.
Knowing how people think, this joke format has probably existed since the day the invasion began.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because Germany invading Poland is what caused Britain and France to enter WWII. It sticks out as a key part of the war for people, and is remembered well.
dobraf ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 02:04:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.
The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"
The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"
A husband comes home and finds a wife furiously packing a suitcase. He asks what she's doing and she replies "I'm leaving you! I hear you can get paid $250 for a blow job in Vegas"
The man starts packing his bags and the wife asks "what are YOU doing?"
$200.05 total @ $0.05 ea is 4001... so if we say that "later that night" is really "the next morning" so she worked an 8 hour shift that means each session took a little over 7 seconds o.O If each session took 2 minutes then it would take 2 days 18 min 4 seconds, not accounting for breaks or sleep.
An australian morning show host said this to the dalai lama, he cracked up while saying it, and the dalai lama had no idea why because it didn't make sense in translation.
maybe82 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:08:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love when people say this to me, because I come back with "Nonono, a Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother. An Oedipean slip is when you say one thing but fuck your mother."
A Freudian slip is when you accidently say the wrong word during conversation, and it would kind of reveals what's on your mind. That's my understanding at least. So in this case you would hear this out loud and expect them to say, "you say one thing but mean another," but they finish with "...fuck your mother." Because Freud hypothesized that all men are subconsciously attracted to their moms, or something like that. Pretty weird but funny lol I'll be telling this one!
Small detail: only freud and "psychologists" of his time believed freudian slips to reveal subconscious thoughts and desires. Modern science has disproves that
Jerlko ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:16:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More backstory behind the mother thing. Freud and his compatriots all grew up with nannies cause of their social class and so didn't develop the same sort of mother son bond other kids get, so they all ended up sort of weirdly attracted to their mothers so he basically came up with this theory to justify him wanting to fuck his mom by saying that everyone wanted to do it, he was just the only one man enough to admit it.
How many freudian slips does it take to run your father through with a very long sword, to then proceed to have sex with your mother while she tries to cut off your penis in order to keep it inside her forever?
The Aristocrats!
tombsar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:23:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Niko19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I absolutely adore this joke!
G8kpr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a variation of this (and a cleaner version) was said on Cheers when someone mentions a Freudian slip, and someone else asks "what's that?" Cliff Claven says "Oh,. that's when you say one thing, but mean a mother"
boso271 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:35:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get you, I make as many Freudian slips as the next gay
This guy goes into a bar and orders a drink, making a Freudian slip as he does so.
Another patron laughs and says โwell that was a Freudian slip!โ
The first guy says โwhatโs a Freudian slip?โ
The other patron replies โitโs when you say something thatโs on your mind without meaning too. The other day I bought train tickets to Pittsburg. The lady behind the counter was quite voluptuous and so I accidentally asked for โtwo pickets to titsburgโ.โ
โOh I get it!โ Says the first guy โlike this morning when I meant to say to my wife โthanks for the eggs honeyโ and I accidentally said โbitch, you ruined my lifeโ.โ
For the weekly meeting we have with everyone on my team in my office, someone has to bring a joke every time. I'm trying my hardest to talk myself out of using this one when it's my turn.
I said that in an intro to psych lesson when the teacher asked if we knew what a Freudian slip was. It went right over her head and she thought I was stupid...
That's a Freudian slit if I ever heard one. Slip! Freudian slip!
Nilas_T ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:42:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the joke is slightly more clever and subtle if you say "... mean your mother" because only the end words sound alike. But the other version is better for comedy effect.
The carelessness of drivers today always amazes me. This morning I overtook no fewer than five separate drivers who were all at least 30 above the speed limit.
jch1305 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As someone born in the us and lived here my whole life, ive never heard it that way and i thought overtook meant like a cop arresting for speeding for some reason lol
As someone born in the US to Chinese immigrants and who left to live in China when he was a kid, and who then got dropped off in a British boarding school and college until 21 before coming back to the US and shuttling between US and China for the past four years... You could be right!
He says "bloody" implying he's British, but his wife calls it a "motor way" implying she's British too, meaning that it's more likely the framing of the joke is British and that he's simply an idiot.
Now if the wife had said "highway" instead, or even "autobahn", then the joke would be "He's British, where they drive on the left hand side of the road", rather than "He's a moron."
I get the intended joke but it seems to be completely unknown that 78 countries/territories drive on the left including India, Japan, South Africa, Pakistan, Australia
Heโs trying to fit in. Unfortunately, he never will be able to say bloody without getting laughed at by his British peers. Hence the reason heโs going full kamikaze.
That's exactly the proof that says he is an American in England, he thinks that saying "bloody" sounds British when in fact it tends to sound like an American trying to sound British
simonjp ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:11:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
May I ask where (roughly of course) you're from? The only people I have heard using the word (having lived in various places in the Midlands and North West, so maybe a limited experience) are old ladies who want to use a rude word and Americans on TV portraying or joking about us.
(Not the guy you've asked) I'm from the Midlands (Dudley, living in Wolverhampton) and I hear bloody all the time. When I was in primary school a kid in my class got told off for using the word bloody in something he wrote for English.
simonjp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:24:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The South-east, home counties. So yeah, perhaps that's part of it. Plus I reserve Big Swears for big things, so I like having a mid-range swearword.
Notben5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True. A British is more likely to use Fucking rather than Bloody.
TZ_1035 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They're both British who's recently moved to the USA.
As an Australian who lived in the US for a while I was basically the only person I knew who could use "cunt" several ways in conversation and get away with it, purely because of my accent, delivery and context. It was fucking hilarious watching my American friends try and say it and get super uncomfortable.
Not weird just Americans so they don't use it descriptively in regular conversation the way I sometimes do because it has more offensive connotations there. Although they're perfectly comfortable saying motherfucker, which when you think about it literally should probably be more offensive than just another word for vagina, and yet motherfucker is not all that offensive really. It's just cultural differences.
What's your opinion on people calling someone a "spaz," out of curiosity? Because that's not an offensive word over here, but I'm given to understand that it's really fucking awful elsewhere.
But hey, maybe everyone else is just "being a bunch of sensitive twats."
My grandfather used to tell a story in which he saw a car driving the wrong way down the street. He honked his horn repeatedly to which the other driver replied by raising his middle finger out of the window. As they passed each other, my grandfather got a good look at the other driver. He looked on in disbelief as his father/my great grandfather passed him on the wrong side of the road, middle finger raised high. Those guys were characters for sure.
This actually happened to my dadโs uncle a few weeks after he moved from Scotland to Canada. A close friend of mine told us the story as soon as we introduced them to each other. My friend said my dadโs uncle was yelling at him while they nearly avoided a collision. My dadโs uncle insists to this day that my friend was the one driving the wrong way. Iโm not sure who to believe ๐ค
G8kpr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this as a Newfie joke.
"A Newfie was driving down the highway when a news report came on his radio warning drivers on his highway to watch out for an idiot driving down the wrong side of the road. The newfie laughed and said to himself "one idiot, they're all doing it!"
My dad always tells this joke!
And every time a radio program in the car is interrupted to announce a wrong way driver on the high way, he says"that guy must be thinking: ONE wrong way driver?!"
Interesting, as this joke would have to less that ~20-years-old to make sense. Most of the other top jokes are somewhat timeless, or work over at least a century.
A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says โIโm sorry, but I just canโt hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?โ
The captain says โarr, โtwas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg.โ
The man goes โThat sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?โ
The captain says โarr, โtwas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.โ
The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.
The Captain says โarr, โtwas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eyeโ
The man says โand thatโs how you lost your eye?โ
The captain responds โno, but twas me first day with the hookโ
Did you know Makaveli is Tupac Shakur's stage name after 2Pac which he used in the last album he recorded before he died (The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory).
Reply MORE FACTS for more outrageous Makaveli facts!
bc what i said isnโt true and iowa does share a letter with mackerel. tbh i originally thought iowa didnโt share any letters but then i realized i was trippin so i posted it as a joke
The show is very campy and silly, but if you have nostalgia for it it's interesting to see the book sorta accurately realized. Though I wish it was darker like the books.
I think the newbie pirate assumed he was a captain because of the missing limbs and eye, since stereotypically, maimed pirates are experienced. That's another level of the joke, he actually suffered all 3 injuries in his first 3 days
Also, moral*. Morale is the general mood, like "troop morale was low".
A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.
As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"
To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's been drivin' me nuts."
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:59:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a misleading cue, making you guess the punchline has something to do with it. When the actual punchline comes, it's a bit more unexpected, which adds to the humour (not for everyone, though).
NEGATIVE, DEFINITELY NO ROBOTS IN THE VICINITY. starts nervoushumanlaughter.exe
ArrShoe ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
took me a sec...but the captain is saying that his third day at sea was also the first day he got the hook installed and so he still hadn't gotten used to the fact that he had a sharp pointy thing where his hand used to be. so basically he took his own eye out when he instinctively went to go wipe the bird shit out of his eye.
There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who rambled around on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which left him quite nutless,
And perfectly useless on dates.
Wouldn't that just mean you were covering up your one good eye, since you were blind in the other?
Arcusico ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:21:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What he's saying is that both eyes are good and it doesn't matter which one you wear your patch on. Once you go below decks, you switch it and baby, you've got a stew going.
That's a myth. Even if you only expose one eye to light. Both eyes will narrow. Try it sometime on a friend with a penlight. That's why doctor's do this to patients they suspect may have a concussion. If you do have a concussion then the eyes won't do it properly.
Google 'pupillary light reflex' for more information.
Good try. But Im sitting an ocular physiology examination next week.
What you say is true, that's the consensual pupil response, but that's not the main component of dark adaptation.
While the pupillary light reflex is the quick part of dark adaptation, it only accounts for 1.3 log units of increase in light sensitivity. Dark adaptation of cone photoreceptors takes slightly longer (5 mins) and adds another 1-2 log units. Dark adaptation of rod photoreceptors takes 30minutes and accounts for a majority of adaptation (approx 3-4 log units.
google dark adaptation curve for more information.
So why is it that when I'm on my phone in bed, with one half of my face covered by the pillow, I can look at the phone fine but if I turn over and look at the phone with my other eye that's been in the dark the whole time it's unbearably bright?
That's not how I was taught. We were told to write, "quotations," like this. With a comma on both sides and the second one being within the quotation marks. And personally I think it looks better.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check rule #4. That's what I'm talking about. Apparently it's an American English thing.
I wasn't taught incorrectly. It's just a regional difference.
I probably do use it incorrectly in some situations. I was really good in language arts but I've been out of school for like 6 years now so this sort of thing just almost never comes up in my daily life.
Huh. That's the only source I've seen recommending that style. Carry on, then. I'm going to stick with no lead-in commas for my part.
Edit: I have no problem with Rule 4. It's Rule 3a I find odd. I would introduce quotes with either a colon or no punctuation (other than a question mark).
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Adam Smith concludes, "labour, therefore, is the real measure of the exchangeable value of all commodities.,"
I would never put a comma between the period and quotation mark at the end. I only meant quotes in the middle of a sentence.
So yeah, I would've said:
Adam Smith concludes, "labour, therefore, is the real measure of the exchangeable value of all commodities."
Or I would've led with a colon. Like this:
Adam Smith concludes: "Labour, therefore, is the real measure of the exchangeable value of all commodities.
Anyway, clearly my punctuation is rusty. As I said I've been out of school for a while now and brushing up on punctuation just isn't part of my daily life. In school I was always in AP language arts. I was a good student believe it or not. You may not intend it but the way you explained things comes across as really condescending. But thanks for the info.
Where are you from? I was going to assume commas being inside was an American thing, and you were probably British, but I have a British copy of Half-Blood Prince, and commas were inside quotation marks in there, too.
Yeah the deal with that is printers used to put the comma inside the parentheses, as it was easier to do. This didnโt make sense however, and once it was no longer easier to do most of the world went back to doing it the way that, at least imo, makes more sense. America didnโt tho. So in American schools weโre taught that the comma goes inside the quotes, so thus guy was doing it right. I fight with my prof abt it all the time because it makes no fucking sense inside ๐๐
Huh. I'm talking a college level course on proofreading and final editing right now in the United States. They drilled it into our heads that commas always come after the quotation mate, but I guess not everyone learns the same thing ยฏ\(ใ)/ยฏ
It may be because I'm tired but I don't get it. The bird defecates in the pirate's eye but that isn't the reason he loses his eye. But on the day the bird defecates in the pirate's eye, he gets his hook for his arm that's been missing a hand for 1 day. Why is that the day he got a hook hand? What's the correlation between his faulty eye and the hook hand? (I was thinking he scratched his eye with the hook but that doesn't seem to be the case).
because it was his first day WITH the hook. I thought his first day with his hook and the day the bird shit on his face were two different days.
glider97 ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 05:08:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good joke! It might work better if you continued the narrative of the giant one-eyed fish.
The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.
The Captain says โarr, โtwas me third day at see. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and shat in me eyeโ
The man says โand thatโs how you lost your eye?โ
The captain responds โno, but twas me first day with the hookโ
People pronouncing "ask" as "aks" (or in this case, "axe" murderer)
jsvejk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:03:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think (please correct me if I'm wrong), it's a play on ask/aks (axe). In African-American English (or at least stereotypes of it), 'ask' is pronounced 'aks', which this headline inverts.
I can't tell if this comment is borderline racist, racist or not at all...๐ค๐ค
Couldn't you have just said "English slang" ๐๐?
jsvejk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:26:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ack that's certainly not how I wanted to come across. The original joke referred to the South Side, which is known for a high density African-American population and also African-American English (AAE) is accepted linguistic terminology referring to the variety and repertoire of American English spoken by the demographic in question
My atf, โIs the government spying on schizophrenics enough?โ
ucbiker ยท 342 points ยท Posted at 02:05:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is โ18-year old Soldier Fighting in Afghanistan has 9/11 Explained to Him by Older Soldierโ. What makes it worse is that was published in 2012.
I think it was Duffel Blog that ran "Private to inherit patrol route his father once drove"
ttblue ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:53:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh I don't quite understand this one, apart from it being sad.
limukala ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 12:40:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
9/11 is the reason the US invaded Afghanistan, but has now been there so long that the soldiers deployed there donโt even remember the original event.
I went back and watched the episode of Howard Stern that was going on live as 9/11 was happening. I was in 6th grade when it happened. It's really wild going back and hearing people reacting to it as it happened. You kind of forget how crazy everything was.
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 10:55:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guys this is supposed to be a joke thread. Quit with the feels.
ttblue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember seeing it on TV on the other side of the world too. I was 9. My parents were just gaping in horror. My uncle lived in NYC. That was so surreal; I felt really weird seeing something so unbelievable on TV. I think people of all ages felt the same way.
I figured that the headline was a joke of some kind. But it's more a comment on the sad state of affairs, which is what I first thought it was.
It's mostly because folks don't really think of car alarms as an alarm, rather just a nuisance. I've never had an experience with a car alarm going off where a crime was actually being committed. So the idea that the police are frantically scrambling in response to one is brilliant.
cavlub ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:57:15 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They can never top this one: "Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia dies after a 30 year battle with social progress," posted within hours of his death.
Not the onion, but saw a headline for an article about a man who was appointed chair of some weapons committee or some shit: "Foote to head arms body."
There was an NPR show about the writing process at the Onion, and my favourite one was ultimately rejected, even though it was of the only ones got a laugh when it was pitched:
There's a Harry Mcclintock song with similar lyrics
"Good evening sir the woman said and her eyes were bright with tears
As she put her head beneath her feet and stood that way for years
Her children six were orphans, except one tiny tot
Who lived in the house across the street above a vacant lot."
But the defining trait of a boomerang is that it returns when you throw it. I have heard a similar one, though: I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
zerovin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but if you forget how to throw a boomerang, and do it wrong, it won't come back.
ghostaly ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:46:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This has been my dad's go-to joke for my entire life. At this point, it carries the weight of some ancient proverb than it does humor.
Reading your comment made me notice for the very first time that the name for a piece of playground equipment is also two tenses of that verb: see-saw.
It's a double entendre. "Picked up the hammer and saw" first seems like it means he picked up two tools, but in the context of a blind man gaining sight, he picked up the hammer and saw (as in to see something).
SOwED ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:17:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" is something you can say in conversation to show acknowledgement or understanding of what was just said. It has nothing to do with sight, but "'I see,' said the blind man" makes one immediately think a blind man is saying he can visually see.
A similar thing is done with the second part, as "saw" is a tool but also is the past tense of "to see," so it could mean a blind man picked up two tools, a saw and a hammer, it could also men he picked up a hammer and had his vision restored.
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:23:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It provides the reason a blind man would have a hammer and saw, and makes it delightfully absurd. There are plenty of blind men (though probably not many with such tools), but do you know any blind carpenters?
fuck i just got this. the first time i heard this was from my 6th grade teacher as i stood at the chalkboard, frozen with fear, trying to figure out long division several years after I really should have learned it, but still telling the teacher I knew how to do it because I was embarassed. I thought he was just making fun of me for saying I could do it but then making it totally clear I couldn't. As in, I see says the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw, who clearly didn't see.
Because otherwise it would be "as he picked up the saw" which makes it obvious that 'saw' is being used as a noun.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:37:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because if he just "picked up the saw", you couldn't interpret it as his sight suddenly coming back. He had to pick up another thing for the double meaning of "saw" to work.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to say "So I got some new orthopodic shoes" to which people then correct me and say "You mean orthopedic?" to which I reply, "Oh I stand corrected".
Reminds me of a Bob Saget joke I heard, something like "I have the brain of a german shepherd and the body of a teenage boy. They're both in my trunk and I want you to see them."
That was Howie Mandelโs joke: โPeople say I have the mind of a 60-year-old and the body of a 20-year-old. Itโs true. Theyโre both in the trunk of my car and you can see them after the show if you want.โ
I Googled this reference because I didn't get it, and it came up with this court case, which is amazing.
ksa10 ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 04:02:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't Glenn Beck ever talk about the accusations that he raped and murdered a girl in 1990? I'm just asking questions here, just asking questions.
I seem to remember a Stephen King interview where he said something to the effect of "People expect me to be this morbid, scary guy, but I have the heart of a child.
I keep it in jar on my desk."
true story, I was kicked out a petting zoo on a field trip for spitting on a camel (I was 6). In my defense, it was a preemptive attack. The camel was gonna spit first.
Ive personally have been hucked at by a llama when i was a kid at our local zoo. So id fight in your defense mate.
Hansoda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fuck, you got me hard with this one...
adoris1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone needs to kick off a Science-themed TED Talk with this, with a dramatic pause before the punchline, and then slide straight into "anyway my talk is about..."
I once read a sentence that said "an epipen is a (explanation) as "an epic penis". Now whenever I see that word I think of a huge gigantic monstrous dingadong
Oh god, my friend's Grandad was a taxi driver who had a heart attack and died at the wheel. He demolished a shop window and his passengers were mildly injured. All I could think of when she told me was this joke. I really had to try hard to keep a straight face and I felt so bad!
I think it is :) I'll try to find it later. Another one of his I love is "when I was little my family's cat had kittens. We couldn't keep them so we had to go down to the lake and toss them in. And I was so sad... Because I couldn't get mine to skip."
wreave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's awful. I'm definitely keeping it.
Rabbyk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:38 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather died in the camps in Nazi Germany. Naturally clumsy, with only weeks left in that terrible war, he tripped and fell from his guard tower duty station.
Having woken up in a guardrail, itโs not that pleasant. My brother was supposed to stay awake until he got us to school. At least it was the slow part when he decided to nap.
Like Bo Burnhamโs โAndy The Frogโ joke. โThen there was a rustling in the bushes, and, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle, the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle.โ
My father had a Associates in English (among other degrees), and in the region we lived in, people would say โIโm just trying to get your goat.โ It should be goad.
My father would reply โif you really wanna get someoneโs goat, follow them and see where they tie it up.โ
He would also say โas a young man, I was told to search for the peak in the east. All I ended up with was this snub-nosed dog.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The difference between a grandfather and a great-grandfather is that one just sounds better
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husbandโs funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, โDo you mind if I say a word?โ.
โNo, go right aheadโ, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says โPlethoraโ, and sits back down.
โThanksโ, the woman says, โthat means a lotโ.
W360 ยท 2011 points ยท Posted at 03:07:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I love reading a new joke that is a grand slam. If I had a time machine I would go back 45 seconds ago so I could read this joke again for the first time, god bless you.
[deleted] ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 04:24:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
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enthius ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 04:45:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? I dont know if Im too sober or not sober enough but this joke is lame as hell.
W360 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:18:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It isnโt explosive funny, I just didnโt see it coming and appreciate a little wordplay, it mostly gave me a bit of a โwell doneโ feeling. Donโt sweat not all jokes are created equal and beauty is in the eye of the beholder so get yours playa.
It was a joke...? It doesn't need to make literal sense...? Like, I was staring so intently off into the void of reality as that punchline settles in.
ยฏ\(ใ)/ยฏ
[deleted] ยท 258 points ยท Posted at 03:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
tl;dr the absurdity of this playing out irl makes it funny.
It's that there's a bit of a double whammy there. First, at a funeral it's common to say something about the deceased so the man reasonably asks if he can say "a word." Naturally, the widow allows this so the man stands up and says "plethora."
That's the first joke, not too funny, you can see it coming; lands in solid "dad joke" territory. However, the joke continues. The man presumably sits back down and the widow tells him "thanks, that means a lot."
That's the second joke. The double meaning here, in my opinion, elevates the joke to a new level. First there's the standard meaning "it means a lot to me that you said that." This is a normal thing to say after somebody speaks at a funeral, but the second meaning is "the word plethora means 'a lot'."
I believe what makes this all the funnier is imagining the joke playing out in real life with the second meaning applied. The fact that a grieving widow would take the time to tell somebody the meaning of a word that somebody most likely already knows the meaning to is unexpected and absurd, thus (to some) inherently funny.
Thanks for explaining. I sorta laughed at the first joke and now I understand the second one but I thought that I didnt, didnt find it as funny or funny at all because why would she go out of her way to tell him that? Idk
It's not really out of her way... It's a common thing to say to people in a situation like that. That's what makes it so funny. The guy's bizarre choice of "word" changes the meaning of a completely average phrase.
TheArc6 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:49:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The guy asks to say a word, implying he wants to say a sentence, but he actually just says a (one) word, that word being plethora. The lady says "thanks, that means a lot," which is the definition of plethora
sounds like a joke straight out of A Series of Unfortunate Events
SuperSMT ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:05:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From the Wide Window: "Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges. 'Plethora' is a word which here means 'Too many to list,' but I will try."
Hmm ok, I'll probably have time to watch this weekend. Still looking forward to it
THCW ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I much preferred Season 2 to Season 1. Season 1 was based on the first four books which were all formulaic and had no real overarching storyline, the VFD stuff in Season 1 was all added by the show and definitely feels a bit forced.
Season 2 adapts the books which start to add a bit of mystery and intrigue, and as a result it feels much more natural.
The production values are great as well, all five core locations feel unique and memorable.
And while Olaf loses some of his menace in the first six episodes of Season 2, he regains it tenfold in the last four episodes IMO. There are some surprisingly intense moments and the adaptation of The Hostile Hospital is one of the best book-to-show adaptations I've ever seen. The writers really hit their stride towards the end.
Add in to that some great new standout characters and honestly I think Season 2 is a big step up from Season 1. The lows of Season 2 are lower than Season 1, but they're so infrequent that I don't think it detracts from the season.
Iโm super old and still remember the poster in my 4th grade classroom which had this joke and a picture of a yellow lab with a kid leaning against it reading.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
[deleted] ยท 15311 points ยท Posted at 21:46:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Samen28 ยท 3273 points ยท Posted at 02:33:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but donโt have any matches. So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I had a cassete tape of the old Batman show. It had some music on it (dunununununununu Batman!) and a bunch of Riddler parts on the show. This is the only one that stuck with me through the years. Weird.
If you ever wake up in a room with no doors or Windows and just a saw and a table, just use the saw to cut the table in half. Put the two halves together to make a whole. Put the hole on the wall and use the hole in the wall to escape.
Optewe ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:04:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, and put a pea next to the hole.
When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
hugoyam ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:28:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
CACKLES FROM MY BENEATH MY BEDSHEETS SORRY FOR CAPS IT IS TOO LATE NOW ARRIVEDERCI
Said this to a friend in a bar when he asked for a lighter โno, but if you give me one youโll be a cigarette lighterโ. He actually seemed quite annoyed....
Kage_Oni ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 02:54:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is so awful I am only going to up vote it once.
All the shelters in my area start at $450 for a dog. Dogs that they ship in from out of state because there's simply not enough dogs needing rescue in our area. Plus the adoption requirements are outrageous, I could probably foster a child with less paperwork than these rescues require.
And they wonder why these dogs spend years in their rescues. It's hard to consider "rescuing" an adult dog for $450 and 20 pages of paperwork when I can buy a puppy from some rando for a couple hundred cash and no background check.
0xjake ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:41:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lots of those places will provide vet services that you'd otherwise have to pay for. Ours paid thousands in vet bills, before and after adoption, even though we got him free during a promotional event. I have every intention of going through the rescue org again.
What state? That seems very expensive. I spent $200 on my first dog and $25 on the other in a scratch and dent sale, since they were putting her down that week.
stephj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where is this magical place where there are not tons of local homeless dogs? Honestly that sounds great!
Vermont. Strict breeder laws and affordable spay/neuter options work. One rescue told me only 7% of the dogs they receive are local forfetures or strays, the rest are shipped in from the south. Three other rescues I called do not have many if any of the dogs on site, they're still in the south waiting for an adoption contract to be signed.
And that's my issue with these rescues. When you rescue a dog you acknowledge that they have a murky history and may have temperament or health issues, but it's compounded by they fact that they ask you to sign a contract to adopt a family member sight unseen. These pups are shipped hundreds of miles and end up straight into their new homes with limited vetting for temperament and health. I know two people who adopted dogs with undisclosed severe aggression, one had to be put down. Another who received a dog heavily infected with heartworm, the dog sadly died not long after. Parvo also went around like crazy here after the rescues brought up dozens of "hurricane dogs" post Harvey.
stephj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:58 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Sounds like there's some holes in the system.
Where I live (California) there are thousands of homeless animals, any getting euthanized due to space issues, not behavior. Rescues AND shelters bend over backwards to disclose good (and bad) behavior to cut down on returns and problems.
Sounds like shitty management. Usually shelters have Safer testing. That is an odd system you are relaying.
Somzer ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"This video is not available",
yo dawg, you've got any more of those links?
lcpl ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:50:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was adopted by the trainer when Nia was preggo, I guess it had been kind of aggressive with company, including family, and with all the commotion around having a baby it just wasn't gonna work. Super sad, but he still gets to take her on hikes and stuff every now and then
And who knows how long it was rambling around in Bill Burr's head with all the other wild shit. Probably over a decade old, if it made to to a special 8 years ago. He probably came up with it, worked on it, performed it, worked on it, worked on it, worked on it, and put it in a special.
Yes. Got my dog from the shelter. He's fucked in the head and no amount of training in the past 8 years has fixed him. He's just bearably insane until he dies now.
At least he's cuddly if there's absolutely no stimulus anywhere, but if one if my kids coughs while they're sleeping, bet your ass he'll freak the fuck out.
No idea, he was still a puppy, probably four months old when we got him, they found him and two or three siblings in a ditch (not messed up or anything, just a few strays wandering together). Adorable as hell, wish we could've taken both that were left, and maybe the end result would have been better if we had (or maybe it would have been ten times worse). I know at least one of them was brought back to the shelter after about a year for the same behaviors ours has (severe separation anxiety, destructive behavior), so at least I know the problem isn't just us. We've got him so he doesn't destroy shit anymore, but he's still neurotic as hell.
So I'm not a huge advocate for shelter dogs. It's a great thing that shelters do and if it makes you feel warm and fuzzy to adopt a dog, go for it. But at the end of the day it's an animal, its past is a complete mystery, and despite what a whole lot of people like to say, some dogs just can't be fixed no matter how much training you do. Some just have wires crossed and that's that, and the "there are no bad dogs, just bad owners" saying is total bull. If you want a dog, get one wherever you want, I won't judge anyone. Nothing wrong with wanting to know where the animal you're bringing around your family comes from.
stephj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate to say this, but that happens with dogs from breeders, too. Each dog is an individual. Iโm sorry yours is so neurotic.
You have done an amazing job by sticking with him and working on his crazies. For real.
I worked in a shelter where people surrendered their animals for far less issues. (My โfavoriteโ was that puppies take time to housetrain and thatโs hard.)
It seems it just suddenly overnight went from adopted to rescue. And of course people felt like heroes so they just overused the word like crazy.
iRepth ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:04:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly I use the word because I think other people should adopt pets instead of going to breeders, as well. There is nothing that makes one a good person for doing it, it simply is helping out a pet in need and reducing the demand for breeders one customer at a time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Aikrose ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:03:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I pretty much โrescuedโ the dog I have, his owners didnโt care for him, train him, or buy the right food to control his allergies, and then they moved to a new rental home and went โsorry, were not allowed dogs!โ
I expect a downvote or two, but I ended up with a troublemaker of a dog who hates to listen, and as I mentioned before, is allergic to so many things. Iโm the only person in his life whoโs ever trained him or worked with his allergies, and it makes me angry, because I never asked for or wanted a dog, since my old dog had recently died. I got this dog thrown at me, and I had no choice but to take care of him and fix what his old owners didnโt. I totally think I rescued him, because literally everyone else left him behind. I wish I liked him more, I love him and all but I donโt always like him.
TL;DR โrescuedโ a dog from bad owners by getting him dumped on me, against my wishes. Keep him because everyone else hes known has left him and that tugs on my heartstrings.
Byizo ยท 7802 points ยท Posted at 20:49:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there were two whales at a bar. The first whale says to the second (make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable). Then the second whale says back to the first (inhale sharply), "Go home Frank. You're drunk."
I do yet another version of this where the second whale makes whale noises until everyone is really uncomfortable.
Then everyone else says, "Go home, BardSinister, you're drunk."
[deleted] ยท 2640 points ยท Posted at 23:41:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke. I've never said this joke and not received a roomful of laughs. I told it to my family on christmas about 6 years ago and STILL every time I visit, at some point - "Oooh, tell that whale joke!"
Oh, and the key is to make it very uncomfortable with the whale sound. Stretch it out. Inhale and do it again. Maybe even a third one. People who haven't heard it before will start to lose it simply over that. When you say the second whales line they won't stand a chance.
dv2023 ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 01:32:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my personal go-to and your description is spot on, down to inhaling and going for a third round. I always end mine with "Go home Steve, you're drunk." Never not gotten a laugh out of it. And it's a fun joke to tell, too. Full creative control.
Yeah, in order for this joke to land you really have to get kind of obnoxious with the whale noises.
elsestar ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 00:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive said this joke at two weddings on a microphone and it worked great. Also my friends tried that I tell it in my own wedding but my wife thought it was embarrassing so I didnt.
BadMalz ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 01:47:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While starting your marriage by embarrassing your wife is a party foul, there's no reason you can't tell the joke when you renew your vows a few years down the road ๐
milk4all ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 04:41:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what else is a party foul? Penguins. They look like they're in little tuxes, man. So cute. Play me out, fellas!
i always go with "Give me your keys, Frank. You're drunk." this joke fucking slays. every. single. time. it is truly the most universally funny joke in my arsenal, and i've been known as the 'the guy who knows endless jokes' for about 20 years.
konedawg ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:43:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too!
Edit: Oh wait, I get it now! I first read the (make whale noises) bit as if the first whale was telling the second whale to make those noises. But the first whale MAKES the noises, and then the second whale says 'WHAT?'
Some of the instructions above on 'really leaning into the whale sounds' made it more clear for me.
Not only do the whales speak English, not only is the one whale so drunk he can't speak, they also can drive cars and this whale has decided his friend is too drunk to drive. This absurdity on multiple levels is sparked off by making the audience think you are talking about real whales, who communicate by singing in long "OOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO" sounds
I usually make whale noises for a very long time. A few minutes in total maybe, with at least two cycles of people starting to get a grip and slow down with the laughter, only to lose it again. After making a number of fairly repetitive, middle register whale noises, I'll make very low or very high noises. Short bursts of high whoops, then a full breath long low, gravelly ooooo.
It's a great joke. I used to tell it at summer camp to buy the kitchen like five minutes of time to finish getting ready sometimes, never failed.
The joke is that you think the first whale is speaking in whale language, but he's actually just making weird noises and the other whale doesn't know what he's saying either. It's a subversion of expectations.
marco262 ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 03:58:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've improved on it, I think. Tell it with three whales, that way you can have a "conversation" between two of them before the third butts in with the punchline. You can stretch the joke out way longer!
Edit: Wow, for how much Reddit hates reposting jokes, they hate it even more when you try to improve on them.
Tilwaen ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:56:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Needs to be 20 whales, NEXT!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never get reddit jokes, but I understood this reference!
Tilwaen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:43:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I often don't get them too, especially if they're some older ones. Don't be afraid to ask if you don't get them, though - the links that the others will provide you are often too good to miss.
For those who did not get this reference, you don't want to miss this.
skydra28 ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 00:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a joke my brother always tells.
There's 2 monkeys in a bath. One monkey says "ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh", the second one says "well put more cold in then"
A jewish man walks into liquor store, and asks for kosher wine. The store owner is skeptical, but checks in back anyway. He searches around, picks up a bottle, dusts it off, and sure enough- kosher wine! So he brings it to the counter, and the jewish man says thank you.
Later, a vegan walks in, and asks for a bottle of vegan wine. Again, the cashier doubts it, but checks in back. He dusts off another bottle, and sure enough- vegan wine! So he brings it to the vegan, and the vegan says thank you.
Later again, a whale walks in the bar, and says "BAWOOOOOOOOOEEEUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAUUUUEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUU"
...
So the cashier checks in the back, dusts off a bottle, and sure enough- BAWOOOOOOOOOEEEUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAUUUUEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUU! So he brings it to the whale, and the whale says thank you.
I don't get it. Are the whale noises supposed to be funny and it's just a joke you have to hear instead of read or is it a wine name joke. Either way I'm sure it's funny, but the confusion killed it
A priest, a rabbi, and a whale walk into a bar. The priest walks up and asks for a glass of the blood of Christ. The rabbi walks up and asks for a small glass of their oldest sacramental wine. The whale glides up and says, "eeeeeeeeeiiiiiioooooooooooouuuuh"
Yeah but you gotta really milk the hell out of the whale noises! Like three or four minutes at a minimum. Listen to some real humpback whale sounds for inspiration. Try weird growls. Try making strange vocal noises while inhaling with your mouth shut and flapping your tongue back and forth. Hum while opening and closing your jaw. Take what you did for the last 10 seconds and try to repeat it exactly. Then repeat it again but add a weird trill somewhere. Clear your throat a bit so people think you're wrapping it up. But no, keep squealin! Make the highest pitch sound you can make. Then make the lowest. Transition to a sequence of falling glissandi between the two extremes. Gurgle a bit. Add ten or fifteen seconds of silence so everyone is convinced you're finished, but then bust back in with full force. Own it! Scream as loudly as you can without opening your mouth. Go back to some of the same noises you made at the start. Once you finally say "so then the second whale says..." make sure you then give it plenty of breathing room (and even look like you're mentally psyching yourself up for another 5 minutes of sonic torture) before hitting them with the ending.
Actually you're completely right that it's no longer funny after 5 seconds. But then... like magic at around 15-20 seconds, the absurdity of what's continuing to happen seems to make it funny again. Until... 5 seconds later it's not as funny. But this cyclic pattern actually continues and (if you do it right) can lead to increasingly funny waves over time.
Two sausages are frying in a pan. The one sausage says, "man, it's hot in here." and the other sausage says, (in a terrified voice) "AAAAHHH!! A talking sausage!!".
That's my go to joke, but with eggs. Lots of eye rolling, every time!
NoFleas ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 23:59:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aha, that is funny. When I initially read this I thought the first whale was telling the second whale to make whale noises and I didn't find that funny at all.
Ansoni ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:53:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?". Two soldiers are in a tank, one says to the other drowning noises.
2 whales are swimming off the coast of japan. In the distance one of them sees a whaling ship.
"Stop... you see that ship over there? That ship killed my father, I wish I could get some revenge on those cunts"
The second whale pipes up
"Well how about this? We sneak over and under the ship, rise and use our blowholes to turn the ship overboard?"
"YEAH LET'S DO IT!"
So they swim underneath the ship and they capsized the boat. They're both celebrating whilst all the sailors are drowning but I'm the corner of his eye the first whale sees the captain swimming for shore.
"QUICK LET'S EAT HIM!" He shouts.
"Look I'm alright with the blowjob but I'm not gonna swallow the seamen too".
And another that only works if you're british.
A whale swims along the bottom of the sea. On his travels he sees a squid rolling around on the sand and clutching it's belly.
"You alright mate?" Says the whale.
"I feel sick, ever so sick" says the squid.
So the whale scoops up the squid in its fins and swims a little further along to his friend a shark. The shark sees the whale, looks at the squid and says "what's this mate?"
The whale says "it's the sick squid I owe you".
And for those who don't get it. A quid is slang for a pound. So sick squid = six quid.
Iโm an American who lived in London for a couple of years. I think of all the British sayings I wish Americans could understand itโs โyou alright mate?โ.
That is used universally in so many situations in the UK that would be completely lost over here. Itโs a bummer.
There are three horses who have finished their races for the week. The first horse says, "I don't want to brag, fellahs--but I just won 18 out of my 28 races." Second horse says, "Big deal. I just won 20 out of 25." The third horse says, "I just won 26 out of 30!"
In the corner there's a greyhound who's resting. He raises his head up and says, "Guys, I don't want to seem like a jerk but I just won 89 of my 92 races."
First horse says, "Wow. That's impressive."
Second horse says, "No kidding!"
Third horse says, "Yeah, a talking dog!!!"
Although I do not think my ex is funny anymore, this joke is.
I dunno. It sounds good in theory, but I have a friend who tries to pull this one off with some frequency and Iโve never seen it work.
Guess itโs one of those ones with some skill required.
Dude I was so fucking confused about this. I thought the whale was telling his friend to make whale noises not you telling us to make whale noises and when I finally realized I laughed so hard my cat jumped across the room. Thank you for this.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:26:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like other people do the high pitched version. I like the low pitched version. Make a car, vroom vroom sound, but replace the "vr" with "wuh". So it goes wuhooooooooom wuhooooommm wuhooooooouum.
A man is sitting at a bar drinking when two rather large women walk up and order drinks. The man turns to them and says "I couldn't help but notice your accents. Are you ladies from Scotland?". They reply "it's Wales you jack ass!" "Sorry.... are you two WHALES from Scotland?"
I have used this as my goto since I saw it on an AskReddit like this a few years ago. I like to start with "Two whales are swimming in the ocean" and end with "Steve your drunk." Though I don't know if Steve is better than Frank. I mean Steve is flirting with a PI.
This joke just broke my wife a little.
10 outta 10.
rcapina ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:57:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke. I think the largest crowd I've told it to is 30ish people in a church basement (not a comedian). On my bucket list is to get to tell it into a Mike/PA system.
szee23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:49:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm 100% sure that this is not a joke, that everyone on this thread is participating in some elaborate sham to make all non-sham-participants reading it shake their head and say โwtf? wtf? wtf?โ Bots. All of you.
Maybe I'm not imagining the delivery correctly but I don't write get why the joke is so universally funny. Is it just because the second whale isn't going along with the first and calls him Frank? At what point in the joke would whale noises be made? While he talks, like in Nemo?
Reminds me of my favorite : (sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy) "Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her cap and called it auuuneeeeuuurwaaaaaahgg!"
The key to the joke is making a horrible impersonation of a deaf person. Have fun with it, kids!
Yteburk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tried to tell this to my husband but halfway through the whale noises I started laughing uncontrollably and couldnโt stop. It took me five minutes to finish the joke and now Iโm laughing again.
I have to break it to you, but this joke is the worst. Way too long of a buildup for a punchline that isn't funny. Anyone who listens to the end is just being polite.
โOutside the ordered universe is that amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinityโthe boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes.โ
~ H. P. Lovecraft , The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:20:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was banished to the island of Patmos when he was an old man. Supposedly he had to work in the mines on the island. That's the last we hear about him, so it is assumed that he died there.
I like the variant where John comes third. It throws in the twist that God's omniscient, omnibenevolent, and ineffable judgment values a toaster above eternal life.
It's a nice reminder that a being as different from us as we imagine God to be would be so different as to have goals and values we're incapable of understanding. Just as we'd probably prioritize what is desirable in a way ants would find equally bizarre.
While Christ is being crucified he sees John in the crowd of onlookers and starts yelling his name
"John, John I must talk to you"
John trys his way to get to Christ but is beaten back by the guards. Again, Christ yells to him
"John, John please. I must speak with you!"
Again, John rushes to the front only to get beaten back yet again. He's almost had enough, but he has to see what Christ has to say.
" John!, This might be it. I'm going to heaven. I must speak to you one last time"
Finally John builds up the strength and courage and runs past the guards with everything he has left in him and finally looks up at Christ
" Yes, Lord. I'm here. Please tell me what to do!"
Christ looks down at John and says,
"John, I can see your place from here"
Sorey that made you upset. I was actually just making a joke, myself. I'm just not very funny. Hence the "to the conspiracy thread!" Guess I should have added the /s
But I'll give you an upvote cause sarcasm is hard to understand.
extasytj ยท 11481 points ยท Posted at 22:53:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
It's usually one parrot that a woman gets a good deal on a parrot because it used to be the pet at a brothel, and then it is taken home to her family and it calls her wife the "madam" and comments on her daughters like they are prostitutes (like "new girls working today", or something, I don't quite recall)...but then when the husband comes home it says "Hello _____" showing the familiarity.
I think the Joke could definitely work with that punch-like but it would make most sense if a nun bought it or something and it assumed all the nuns were prostitutes, and then recognized the priest.
Naggins ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 11:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's usually one parrot that a woman gets a good deal on because it used to be the pet at a brothel
The joke really doesn't make any sense without this set-up.
The male parrots were supposed to be wholesome with the prayer (which roseries are used in, hence the beads comment), but they were really just praying for two prostitutes so that they can have sex which is a most unpreist like thing to do.
If you are still having trouble try replacing the parrots with people (and of course other words for the people equivalent)
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two daughters, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two daughters over to my house and I will put them with my two sons whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My sons will teach your daughters to stop saying that terrible phrase and your daughter will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her daughters to the priest's house. His two sons are holding rosary beads and praying in their rooms. The lady puts her two daughters in with the sons and the daughters say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One son looks over at the other son and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Did you hear about the gigilo who moved to a leper colony? The first week business was OK, but after the second week business was not doing so well; by the third week, business dropped off completely.
I recently learned that leprosy doesn't cause people to lose body parts. I think leprosy causes nerve damage which results in people being unable to feel injuries etc.. and so this results in infections which ultimately result in gangrene and amputation. Look it up on wiki. I feel like I have been lied to.
Guy having a drink at the pub looks across the bar and sees a leper sitting opposite of him. He looks up again and dry heaves. The leper sees this and says, "Sir, This is a serious condition and I don't appreciate your mockery. If you don't like the way I look, go find another seat."
The guy says, "I'm really sorry, It's not you, It's the guy beside you dipping his nacho chips into your neck."
I 100% thought it was an anti-joke that was nonsense and made me laugh, until your comment.
DrDew00 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:48:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, it took seeing other people say they don't get it for me to actually stop and think about it and actually understand the joke. If not for the others saying they didn't get it I would have just said "Huh." and kept scrolling.
I think it needs some hint of the alternate meaning - enough to confirm your intention when they figure it out. Maybe "Two, same as always" or something.
They're flummoxed because without noting how bizarre the situation is it's just nonsense.
Asking how many flies it takes to fuck inside a light bulb is gibberish without qualifying the absurdity.
E.g. "how do you screw in a lightbulb?" "With a ram" is a nonsense garbage joke because never have two sheep been inside a lightbulb in the history of the goddamn planet.
Omg. I totally just asked my dad this, and he replied, without missing a beat, โWhen itโs a faux pas?โ (Pronounced โfoe pawโ)
I did not expect that lol!
Szepesh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:17 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Slow clap
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man went to Spain on his vacation. He stopped by a restaurant and saw an interesting dish. He asked the waiter about it, who said "Son los cojones del toro, the balls of the bull sir. we serve it once a day after the bullfights." The man places an order for the next day, and leaves.
When he comes back the next day and gets his dish, he looks at it for a minute and notices something is wrong. He calls the waiter over and says "Excuse me, but why are these so much smaller than those from yesterday?" the waiter pauses, looks around, and replies "I'm so sorry sir but sometimes the bull does win"
EDIT: I cant spanish. thanks iliketuna/miguel02r/etc
Probably similar for that reason. Lotta things called caja, which I associate with case most closely, due to similarity of spelling/meaning. It can also mean cash, which now that I think of it makes sense literally if the money is rectangular money, ie 'boxy'. That could be complete bullshit, but I'm gonna believe that is the reason for the word from now on.
If it interests anyone, Bull testicles are โCriadillasโ in Spanish. I saw this translation while watching Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmer back in high school. It always stuck with for some reason...
drmich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:18:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs how they originated... I think in Cuba (but donโt quote me on the location), people would gather to play music and sing together and some would pull out the drawers of a cabinet and sit on them and bang on the different sides for different tones.
That really confused me when I was watching a movie and they were talking about "cajones." I thought these two near-strangers were talking about balls.
skghp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great joke, but I heard a funnier version of this joke in which the customer actually eats the balls and when the waiter comes to ask how he liked the dish, the customer says "not bad, but not as tender as the big ones you served yesterday", and the waiter says "well seรฑor, sometimes the bull wins".
A Texan comes to Manhattan and for the first time ever tries Matzoh Ball soup. He remarks to the waiter that he LOVES it, and asks โIs any other part of the animal edible?โ
ttheboii ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:41:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Peas used to be a plural without a singural, "pease", as in "pease porridge in the pot nine days old." Similar to how you have some rice but you don't have a ri, or you have some couscous but you don't have a coocoo.
rjxsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit my grandpa told me this when I was like 6
wizzahd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is a great joke. I like to tell it about the time I went to Madrid, and saw the bullfights, and give a whole bit about how I thought they'd be more like the ones in Looney Tunes, but in reality it's like 20 people fighting this bull, and I ended up thinking it was pretty unsportsmanlike but at the same time it was really cool to partake in the cultural aspect of going to the arena and cheering with the locals. then as we left, asked a random person about food nearby, he suggests the restaurant next door and "to ask for the special."
so we go to the restaurant three consecutive nights since "we're only in town this one time and man, that food was soo good" and my companion "totally agrees and man that's the same thing I was thinking, I'm so glad you said it!" and each time I describe the things I did in Madrid and how at the end of the night we were so famished, but decided to go back and get the special. then pantomime ordering, the waiter coming, bringing the silver tray with a lid and as he sets it on the table and lifts the lid poof a cloud of steam reveals the balls. all in somewhat excruciating detail.
until the final night wot ends as you describe but my punchline is, "ah si senor, but sometimes the bull..... he wins...!"
if you know it's a joke, it's kind of easy to see where this one is going, but if you wrap it up in this whole experience (especially if it's a real experience you had!) then it becomes a fascinating story, and the punchline is completely unexpected and therefore more funny.
Two fish are in a tank. This is good, because fish require water to live, and without a tank to contain the water, it would all displace into the surrounding area and make quite a mess.
Two fish in a soldier. They're poorly cooked and the dehydration from the ensuing diarrhea donate to his tragic and embarrassing demise. His youngest kid was only six months old and now refers to his old neighbor, his former best man, as "papa."
I laughed at this more than the original. Maybe I can picture 2 soldier in a fish tank better. Both jokes are great but this one is a great sequel for the original.
Tell the first ("two fish in a tank, one says 'you man the guns, I'll drive'" works best because mentioning the guns helps people work out "oh haha like a tank tank") and then the soldier one immediately. I like telling it and then blubbing into an actual glass of water.
If you feel like an anti-joke to end it, "two soldiers in a fish, one says to the other 'I think RancidLemons fucked this joke up'" is a good one. At least, if your name is RancidLemons.
.ninja edit
I do overthink these, thanks for not asking but secretly thinking it and not wanted to be rude. I bartend and I'm loved / hated by my regulars for telling jokes of varying levels of Dad.
Two fish are swimming in the sea. One asks the other: "Woah, do you see that ship over there?" To which the other answers: "I can't see anything, there's water in my eyes!"
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says " man is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns and screams "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
I was on a blind date with this girl...
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed.
She asked "what's the best way?" I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."
The "hookers" part of msteele's joke is not necessary. I've always thought of these 2 jokes as a pair. "You have to hand it to blind people." and "say what you will about deaf people."
You ever been raped in reality? Some people don't think that shit is funny.
ZouDave ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 01:13:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apply that logic to every joke, and then stop telling jokes. Or, come on down off that cross you're on, use the wood to build a bridge, and get over it.
Reminds me of a story about the one line Mel Brooks cut from Blazing Saddles. Apparently, the "is it twue what they say about you people?" zip "it's twue, it's twue!" bit was originally followed by "I hate to disillusion you, ma'am, but you're sucking on my arm."
I remember reading that in his Playboy interview. 1975 issue. When I saw that I thought, "How could you leave that out?" I know less is more in comedy, but that was genius. (I'm not that old, btw. I was a teenager in the 80s who's dad had a nice collection of vintage Playboy.)
Last time I saw this one in the jokes subreddit, the top comment was something like: "then I put my real dick in her hand and she said 'no thanks i don't smoke'"
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
dalphus1 ยท 3271 points ยท Posted at 00:45:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
My family tells this joke as a lesson about Sicillians (which we are). First, Sicillians are always the sketchiest people you'll meet; second, no one takes better care of their parents.
Ole and Sven are best buds and Svenโs birthday was coming up! Ole didnโt know what to get him so he asked Sven. Sven told him that he wanted his wood pile chopped up but Ole was lazy and didnโt want to do that much work. So he called the police and told them he thought his neighbor was hiding drugs inside his wood pile and asked if they could check it out. So the next morning when Sven was at work the police came and chopped up ever last piece of wood and didnโt find anything. Ole stacked the wood up nice and near and when Sven came home from work Ole wished him a happy birthday and showed him the chopped wood!
I collect vegetation data for Grazing sustainability. One day I was out collecting data with my boss and the rancher stoped by to say, โbe careful in that field, the bull is in there.โ My boss is not worried about it so we continue collecting data. I grew up on a small dairy/beef ranch and donโt play that game. I bucked up and pretended it was all cool. We accidentally spooked the bull and it started pawing at the ground and I FREAKED. I ran to the nearest fence as fast as my pudgy short legs could carry me and leapt over the fence. All the while my boss is still standing on the other side of the field, just calm as can be. The bull laid back down after a few minutes, and I walked back to my boss the long way round. So embarrassing.
Triarag ยท 1117 points ยท Posted at 00:22:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, in a parallel universe somewhere your boss was viciously gored.
Theoretically there is a universe that is infinitely large, however saying that all universes are infinitely large would mean that there are not infinite universes. For there to be infinite universe there has to be not one single constant, and that means that there has to be a universe where everything is constant. Basically for everything there is a universe with the opposite in the infinite universe theory, but it begins to fall apart as you realize that it creates a lot of paradoxes, such as there has to be a universe that kills all universes and then one that saves them all and then one that does nothing and every little variation in between.
This one in particular is called the multiverse theory and the wiki page is a pretty good place to start. From there you can study things like the butterfly effect and think about how many different things you can effect with the simplest of actions. It is a rather fun hole to fall into but it does lead to quite a bit of introspection so if self doubt is your thing then it is suggested you avoid this.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Triarag ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:13:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Look on the bright side: at least you got one of the universes where you didn't get gored by a bull!
Why embarrassing? You respected a bull that you were unfamiliar with. Shit, just a few days ago, here in Minnesota, a rancher was killed from a cow. Your boss was just a little arrogant. If heโs lucky he can get through his career without learning the hard way. Why would you ever want to learn to respect a beast that size the hard way?
My dad broke his arm tangling with a bull, and he has bunch of other stories that I was privy to, and I know a guy that was paralyzed by a bull mauling. My fear of bulls is very rational. I know that. Haha!
The rest of the story goes as such, turns out I jumped into a field and the gate was open. So I essentially jumped over a fence to be in the same field as the bull. In fact, I was closer to the bull after the jump.
Sorry to hear that about your dad, even more for your acquaintance. Being next to a fence is a good place to be though; better than the middle of a paddock for sure.
popiyo ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:52:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This past summer I was doing stream surveys for the forest service and came to a creek that had a bull standing right on the banks of. I really wanted a sample to show the effects of literal bullshit in the stream but I noped the fuck out of there. I ain't trying to outrun a bull in waders for $12/hr that's for damn sure.
Omg! So I also do water quality surveys! We were up in the mountains getting samples from a BLM exclosure. There were like 5 bulls standing at the entrance of the exclosure 2 of which were dueling. I was like, โโfโ this noiseโ and drove right up to the entrance and parked the truck. The old guy with me was like, โwhatโs the matter, you scared?โ I was like, โyeah man! Iโm 5โ4 and over weight, and these waders are 3 sizes to big meaning the crotch is down to my knees. I canโt leap or run this time.โ
Shit man, you don't fuck with a bull no matter how big and bad you are. They literally have spears on their heads and are made of meat and rage. No one with half a brain fucks with a spooked bull.
A policeman was patrolling a street when he sees a lorry driving towards him. The lorry looks unstable, swaying around, and is obviously overloaded. The policeman flags down the driver and says "sir, I think you're overloaded I'll need to look in the back of your lorry". "Sure thing" says the driver and they walk to the back and he opens up the doors. Inside, it is jam-packed full of penguins! The officer is shocked and says "sir, I really think you ought to take these penguins to the zoo". The driver thinks briefly, and says "ok, that's a good idea, I'll do that". He drives off.
The next day the policeman is patrolling and he sees the same lorry driving down the road, and it looks unstable, clearly overloaded. The policeman flags down the driver and says "sir, I think you're overloaded I'll need to look in the back of your lorry". "sure thing" says the driver and they walk to the back and he opens the doors. Inside, it is jam-packed full of penguins, all wearing sunglasses! The officer turns to the driver and says "sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo". "I did" replied the driver, "I'm taking them to the beach today".
kelsey11 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man was fishing at a pond in a nature preserve. He had been there all day, and he had a bucket full of fish. As he was bringing the bucket back to his truck, the police pulled up.
"Stop right there," says the cop, "what's in the bucket?". The man opens the bucket to reveal the ill-gotten fish to the officer. "Sir, I'm going to have to fine you $1,000 for each fish you have there, plus take you into custody. It is illegal to fish here."
"But I haven't been fishing here," says the man. "These are my pet fish. I was taking them out for a swim. I called them back in and we were just headed home."
In complete disbelief, the officer says, "Pet fish? You must think I'm an idiot. Fish don't just go out for a swim and come when called."
"These fish do, officer, and I can prove it!". So the man took the bucket of fish over to the pond and tossed the fish in. They all swam away at full speed.
"Alright, now call the fish back," said the cop.
"What fish?" said the man.
Jerlko ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:11:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a similar joke (possibly real life situation) where a ship got a message saying it was on a collision course and to change direction by a few degrees. The ship fired back with some big talk about it being some bigshot US navy warship and that it wouldn't move for anyone. The other party was a lighthouse.
Charlie grabs his gun there to shoot the damn thing in the head but what with the swingin' and twistin' it's a glance-shot and ricochets around and comes back hits Charlie in the shoulder. You go see Charlie, he still can't reach up with his right hand for his hat... Point bein', even in the contest between man and steer the issue is not certain.
My old boss once helped 2 police officers chase a bull from the street back into its pen. And by helped I mean he yelled and screamed and charged a bull by himself lol. Before he showed up the officers were in fact discussing shooting the bull.
No way in hell 9mm is taking down a raging bull before it absolutely demolishes the cop. Anything shy of a shotgun or seriously powerful rifle would make me quite unsure of my own survival
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:46:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True, but I'm thinking of it from the rancher's perspective. Now you have an injured or shot bull to take care of. Not to mention the dumbass injured agent.
Reminds me of this one:
A US Destroyer is out on patrol when they receive a radio message. "DD629, this is L324, change your heading 20 degrees West to avoid collision." The radio operator aboard the Destroyer replies, "Negative L324, you change YOUR heading 20 degrees East to avoid collision." Again they get a message. "DD629 change your heading immediately 25 degrees to the West to avoid collision." The radio operator replies, "That is a negative L324, we are a US Destroyer on deployment for a highly sensitive mission and we must not be delayed! You change YOUR course 25 degrees to the East to avoid collision with us or we will be forced to take action against you!" There is silence. Then the Destroyer gets another message: "DD629, this is L324. We are a lighthouse."
DaFade ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit too wordy, but good. Could be condensed, some stuff was unnecessary.
TheDocJ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:06:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That punchline reminds me of the two nuns driving through Transylvania to visit a remote convent. Mother Superior is driving, with a novice in the passenger seat. Suddenly, a vampire steps out of the trees and leaps onto the car, hissing at them, and about to punch through the windscreen. "Quick, quick!" screams Mother Superior, "Show him your cross!"
The novice winds down her window, leans out, and shouts "Get off the fuckin' car, you stupid idiot!"
Unless the guy had perfect aim while running/having a bull charge him, his 9mm wouldn't phase the bull. That's essentially like trying to stop a car with a gun. Sure, the perfect shot could render the car completely useless, but nobody can make that shot. The bull wouldn't even flinch
Rokusi ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:22:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, the first is that the farmer is being a smart-ass in revenge for the officer being so arrogant about how much power his badge gives him.
The second is that the bull is angry at the officer for trespassing, and showing the bull the badge will calm him by letting the bull know the officer had clearance to be there.
One day a ranger walked through the forest and finds a little bunny, and it's crying and bawling its little eyes out and its fur is matted with dirt....
So the ranger asks what happened, and the bunny sniffles:
"The bear asked me whether I shed a lot of hair... and I said 'no' - and then he grabbed me and wiped his butt with me!"
The ranger helps the bunny to clean up and continues his way.
The next day at the forest he meets little bunny again. And this time, it can't stop laughing... and again the ranger asks what happened. And the bunny giggles:
Not very effective, you want to wipe your ass with something your shit will actually stick to, else you're just petting your shit, tho I'm sure that's someone's fettish.
Milo0007 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 01:40:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always told it, "don't you hate when your shit gets stuck to your fur?"
I saw Eddie Murphy live on stage a hell of a long time ago. At the end of the night he saw a younger kid in the crowd and said he had a joke for him that he could tell his friends. This was the joke.
A few days later, the bear goes out to take another shit and sees a little brown squirrel taking a shit at his side. After a while, the bear turns to the squirrel and says,
โDo you ever have problems with shit getting stuck in your fur?โ
The brown squirrel turns angrily and says,
โGo fuck yourself! Iโm that rabbit from a few days ago!โ
You know how sometimes people's response to obvious questions is "Does a bear shit in the woods?" (other common responses are things like "is the sky blue" or "is the Pope Catholic?")
My response to that ever since I heard that joke has been "Ask the rabbit."
keboh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I end the joke like this:
... So the rabbit replies "no, sure don't"
"Good" (make a grabbing motion, then an exaggerated wiping motion)
Unfortunately the shit doesn't stick to the rabbits fur and ends up smeared all over the bear's backside, so the bear tears the rabbit's head off and hurls the corpse away.
For you and /u/Amm0sexual, the joke is that the second nun thinks the first nun is commenting on how using the soap as a masturbation aid wears [down] the soap.
It means "perform a normal action which will be oddly described incredibly obtusely so as to contrive the wording of the description of said action in a manner conducive to relaying a joke."
I don't doubt that Bush was a great analyst and would have made a fantastic advisor, or cabinet member, etc., but he was a stuttering buffoon of a president. The job of any elected head-of-state isn't just to know what's going on, it is to be the face of the nation for the rest of the world. The rest of the world bases its view of the citizenry of other countries largely on their elected leaders.
And yet his administration still started a war that killed thousands of Americans for nothing at all and vastly decreased stability in the middle-east. So, maybe he's good at school and speechwriting and academic pursuits and knowledge to the point that after almost 5 hours of hearing his advisors talk he can predict their positions, but he's either terrible at keeping control of his administration (Cheney and Rumsfeld specifically), didn't give a fuck what they were doing so long as he could profit, or actually wanted to institute policies that fucked the world up.
So which is it? Incompetence, apathy, or malice? When we call W dumb, it's the best possible thing we can say about him.
2bitgun ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, I'll take the Reddit bullet. I think Bush was an excellent president, especially considering what he had to work with. As that article said, just because you disagree with me politically doesn't mean I'm stupid. Doesn't mean you are, either.
Heโs overseen atrocities and said nothing as people were tortured and bombed. He completely helped set the stage for the economic collapse and his administration didnโt put any sort of regulations in the relevant markets. He set back Americaโs environmental research 8 years and Iโd say played a role in the level of climate skepticism.
I donโt think youโre wrong for being a republican, I think itโs blinding you to the many egregious faults over many fields.
I think Obama on the whole had a positive presidency however there were serious issues around the indiscriminate use of drones in places like Yemen. Domestically however I think he did a good job, especially considering how vitriolic and uncompromising the oppositio was. Dealt with a lot of abuse with a lot of class.
Of course he's very smart, you have to be to succeed in politics. So is Obama, Trump, and every other president.
Unfortunately, in order for Americans to vote for you, you have to pretend that you're not that smart. Which is why Trump talks like he does, not because he doesn't know any better, but because he knows what gets him support.
He's better at consistently talking at a fourth-grade level than any of the other candidates. It's like C.S. Lewis said, if you can't explain the same concept to an airplane mechanic and to a seminary student and have them both understand, you don't really know the concept well enough yourself.
I read that he stumbled and changed it half way through because he realized there would be a clip of him saying, "Shame on me," and he was like "oh fuck that's not good."
If you found a chinchilla in Chile
And ripped off it's beard willy-nilly
You could honestly say
That you had just made
A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly.
I usually tell this, but instrsd name a local, well known rundown bus station. The punchline is much better if you don't repeat any words on the question.
Rhihard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:28:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Buddha pays with a $20 bill and vendor hands him his hotdog and goes to help the next customer. The Buddha says "what about my change" and the vendor replies: "Change must come from within"
After all the commotion had died down, Buddha sat in that same bench all night. He had finished his hotdogs, he had finished his change, he had finished with his witty retorts and puns. He was only left with his mind. Oblivious of his surroundings, his mind wandered here, it wandered there. It meandered, it perambulated, it just spun around for fun. It emptied itself, it filled itself with trash, it did what it did. Eventually, like really eventually, he started thinking about life, about man, about nature, in first principles. He pondered deeply about whether the sun rises in the East or if it rises in the West. So lost in thought was he, that he didn't even realize when when the answer finally dawned on him.
Yes I appreciate that, it just isn't something that comes up in every dialect of English. In my dialect we would say "I'm gunna." I understand it once the joke is explained because I've heard "imma" in American songs but I would never hear "namaste" and hear "I'm going to stay" because that's not how I'm used to people talking.
Still, the Buddha keeps on returning to this hot dog stand, day after day, drinking soda like a fiend. Unfortunately, he has terrible brushing habits and finds himself at the dentist with many severe cavities.
As the doctor is about to start, he pulls out a huge syringe of novocaine.
The Buddha cries out, "Stop! Transcend dental medication."
stitics ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This might work better if the dentist was about to start work without any painkiller and when asked about it he says, โStop, transcend dental medication .โ
The emphasis in "I'mma" is on the first syllable. "EYE-muh". The emphasis in "namaste" is on the second syllable.
Even besides that, it doesn't line up:
"NAH-EYE-muh-STAY" - four syllables three distinct points of emphasis, with first and second syllables that clearly rhyme with "paw" and "pie", respectively
"nuh-MUHS-tay" - three syllables with one distinct point of emphasis, with first and second syllables that clearly rhyme with "phแป" and "fuss", respectively
They just aren't that similar. Sorry, I know this is pedantic, but I really don't like this joke.
KJ6BWB ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:39:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nuh-MUHS-tay" - three syllables with one distinct point of emphasis
Then say: "nah, must stay". This isn't rocket science. :P
That's not what the joke is getting at and we both know it.
KJ6BWB ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:29:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the earlier posters had it wrong in their pronunciation and what the pun actually was. You can admit you were wrong, I do so every so often. :)
I can admit it as well. But I'm not in this case. Who says "Nah, must stay"? That's a very strange thing to say. Even if that were the pun (which I do not believe it is), it would only work if you emphasized "must" rather than "nah". Most English speakers would emphasize the word "nah" there.
KJ6BWB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a very strange thing to say.
... Dude, it's a pun. They all say stupid stuff, they usually all phrase things in a slightly nonstandard way. Just give it up that there's a way to say it that makes sense with how you're saying the word should be pronounced. :p
I get the feeling that you're trying to needle me with the emoticons and saying things like "just admit it dude!"
I still do not agree with you. This isn't a matter of me not admitting that I am wrong. It's just not a very good joke. The previous ones ("make me one with everything", "change must come from within", "this is my inner piece") are excellent pun jokes. They don't rely on deliberately mispronouncing something to try to fit it into a punchline like the last one does.
Stop continuing to try to pick a fight. The two words have fairly different pronunciations. That's just a fact.
KJ6BWB ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:23:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They don't rely on deliberately mispronouncing something
Flaming monkeys. There's a perfectly acceptable alternative interpretation that fits with your chosen pronunciation and you're quibbling over whether a person would put the stress on "nah" or "must" in "nah, must stay".
And that's a deliberate mispronunciation? Come off it. You picked this fight, you started pointing out how everyone else was wrong. I wandered in near the end and pointed out that in this particular case, you were probably the one wrong and you just are point blank refusing to accept that?
ubik2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To explain it, people say "I'mma", but this is often just pronounced "Muh". The I is dropped. Sounds like people don't say it that way around you, though.
I've never heard someone pronounce it that way. But even still, the emphasis is on the wrong syllable.
poesian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's okay, you're allowed to be particular about which jokes you think are funny. You're not totally wrong and I think it's the worst part of the whole Buddha-and-the-cart joke series.
But (a) you can force it to work and (b) you're insisting on pronouncing "I'mma" as "eye-mah", whereas it's also pronounced closer to "umma" (ref, ref2) Thus, "nah", (elided into) "I'ma" (pronounced "um"), "stay". "Nah-muh-stay." I can say it in such a way that to my ear, it sounds like both the English phrase and the word of Sanskrit origin.
I see where you're coming from with this, but frankly it still feels like a big stretch in my dialect. "I'mma" is at most something like "ahmmuh", with the first vowel sound distinctly different from the sound of เค , the corresponding vowel sound in the first two syllables of เคจเคฎเคธเฅเคคเฅ.
What bothers me about this joke is that it's predicated on the way most Americans pronounce the word เคจเคฎเคธเฅเคคเฅ - that is, as "NAH-muh-stay". They emphasize the first syllable and modify its vowel sound into "ah". The original word in the correct Hindi pronunciation places emphasis on the second syllable and, again, uses the proper vowel sound เค . The whole punchline rests on that bastardized pronunciation, and while you can force the pronunciation to work - with limited success - it doesn't change the fact that that's just an a posteriori attempt to fix a joke built on shoddy foundations.
I do enjoy jokes! But I don't like jokes that are fundamentally flawed like this one.
I just figured it was meant to mean โnah, must stayโ which uses correct pronunciation. But Iโm Australian, and we donโt really say โIโmmaโ here. Thatโs the only way it makes sense to me.
It actually does not use correct pronunciation. "Nah, must stay" would generally emphasize either the first syllable only or both the first and second syllables. It also uses the wrong vowel sound in the first syllable. And it's a strange thing to say in general.
I think it's just sort of a shitty joke, but it's popular because people mispronounce the word namaste.
Iโm Australian, so the pronunciation with an Australian accent works. It is the right vowel sound, because we say โnahโ like โnarhโ rather than โnaโ that an American would say. Plus we shorten everything and run words together, so it would make sense that โmust stayโ becomes โmus tayโ. Itโs common to say โmust goโ here when leaving, so โmust stayโ doesnโt sound too weird. No one here says โIโmma stayโ so it makes much more sense to an Australian (and Iโm guessing any Brits reading too).
Iโve never heard the joke before, but it makes sense to me based on my accent, using โnah, must stayโ and the correct pronunciation of namaste (numb - ah - stay as far as I know)
correct pronunciation of namaste (numb - ah - stay as far as I know)
This is incorrect. I actually gave the correct pronunciation earlier - it is "nuh-MUHS-tay". Both the first two syllables have the same vowel sound, "uh". Listen to any of the pronunciations on this page that are actually from India.
The police arrive in force they have the Buddha surrounded. They proceed to draw thier weapons and tell the Buddha to give up peacefully before they shoot.
The Buddha looks up slowly and responds, "I Vishnu would."
[deleted] ยท -18 points ยท Posted at 00:23:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
DarkTFM ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 00:40:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wtf is wrong with you bot
[deleted] ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 00:32:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're lucky I don't swear in front of theological figures.
Creator of this bot, have you ever eaten an open-faced sandwich? How does a hotdog qualify at all as an open-faced sandwich? If you took a ham sandwich and turned it on it's side so the middle bits were visible, would that make it an open faced sandwich? (No.) When people argue that a hot dog is a sandwich, they don't mean an open-faced one. Do a Google image search for open-faced sandwich.
Then the buddah whips open his robe pulling out an AK-47 from his side as he sweeps left and right unloading bullets into the hot dog stand and says, "I'd buy that for a dollar."
Well he handled that very well. I just watched that... im pretty sure it wouldve been 200x more awkward if I was in that situation lol. Seemed pretty confident to me
It's a joke that manipulates circumstance to enable a quirk of the English language in which a simple statement or request can be interpreted with two very distinct and totally unrelated meanings.
The Buddha is the namesake of the Buddhist religion, a deeply philosophical man whose exact beliefs I won't go into here (not least among my reasons that I don't actually know much about Buddhism) but for the purpose of the joke you can assume he believes in being "as one" with the entire universe, inferring a sort of spiritual connection.
Hotdog stands tend to offer a variety of extra items in hotdogs- vendors typically offer things like cheese and fried onions- so it is often common practice for people who like everything on offer to order one "with everything'.
Therefore the joke is that the Buddha's request can be interpreted as him asking for spiritual guidance or simply ordering a hotdog.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:42:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking along a Mexican street and saw a vendor with a little cart selling slices of pineapple. I decided I wanted one, so I walked over and asked for a slice. The vendor asked "ยฟCon todo?" I thought he asked "ยฟEs todo?" so I answered "Si."
.
So then he started putting seasonings on that slice of pineapple. He shook some of every shaker and bottle he had on it. He even reached up into the little roof of the cart and got down something special and shook some of that on it. After one bite I thought I was going to die.
The vendor says, โalright that will be seven bucks.โ The Buddha obliges and hands him a crisp twenty.
As The Buddha receives his almighty frank, and the vendor says thanks, a very puzzled Buddha looks at the vendor. โI gave you a twenty, and you said it only cost seven. Where is my change?โ
The vendor says with a serene smile, โchange comes from within.โ
The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything".
Except Buddhism isn't even remotely about being "at one with everything," though it's a common enough misconception. (And this is likely why the Dalai Lama didn't get the joke that time on Australian tv.)
Some forms of Buddhism are but I think not so much Mahayana.
Most people think Dalai Lama is head of a school of Tibetan Buddhism as in Vajrayana, and there are Vajrayana concepts that have a lot to do with being one with everything. Perhaps Karl should retry the joke with HH the Karmapa, if we ever figure out who that is. But HH Dalai Lama generally is associated with Mahayana.
That's a Theravada website. I'm being generous but some teachings and meditations of Vajrayana Buddhism could be loosely translated or quickly explained in such a way as to lead to the image of oneness.
Then I made a joke about the difficulties of Vajrayana in practice to make it clear that I'm not being 100% intense.
I agree. Unfortunately the site isn't being updated any longer, though it will be maintained indefinitely as far as I understand. ATI had a nice eclectic group of authors and translators. Now people are going to Sutta Central.Vipassana.org is a good resource.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 01:14:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have heard that joke a million times but I still don't get it... Can someone explain it to me, please?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:24:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Buddhism TL;DR revolves around being connected with the universe or being one with everything
For instance a Buddha is someone who transcended physical constraints to reach the Buddhist state of enlightment. This is why many monks dedicate themselves to years of meditation and prayer to reach the Buddha or elightment state
Sorry got off track, anyways hotdogs made with everything often mean hotdogs with every available condiment. The joke here is a Buddhist monk asks for a hotdog "Make me one with everything" which is a reference to the one with everything aspect of Buddahism
I may have gotten some information wrong about buddahism, if anyone sees I did feel free to correct me.
Also I should point out Buddhists are unlikely to eat hotdogs, especially monks since vegetarianism is common among Buddhists
Iโm so sad and stoked that you said this! For years I was proud of my Dalai Lama at a pizza place joke but it clearly wasnโt original! Rough! But itโs a great one either way!
Xaayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!' Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows aย little more about fighting thanย youย do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor! Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a ZOO!
The name comes from the Chinese language word for "lion" because this kind of dog was bred to resemble "the lion as depicted in traditional oriental art."[8] (The Pekingese breed is also called "lion dog" in Chinese.) "Shih Tzu" is the Wade-Giles romanization of the Chinese characters ็ ๅญ, meaning lion; this romanization scheme was in use when the breed was first introduced in America. In contemporary China, Pinyin is the predominant system of romanization, which renders it as shฤซzi. The Mandarin Chinese pronunciation is approximately SHIRR-dzษ. Though the Wade-Giles system is often regarded as less intuitive, "Shih Tzu" is a useful linguistic example of both of two cases where the Wade-Giles scheme reflects the use of a syllabic fricative after a corresponding consonant cluster (retroflexes and sibilants) in modern Mandarin. This is a unique phonological feature that does not appear in any other known modern language in their standardized form.
just did. Sun Tzu is a written transcription, you'll never have to read it out loud. People either transcript him as Sลซnzว or Syลซn-jรญ for spoken Chinese.
Or maybe you learn spoken Chinese from written transcriptions lol
continew ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 03:08:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe I'm a native speaker for 20+ years?
Why are you so butt-hurt? That's just to help English speaking people to pronounce it. It's difficult for them to pronounce based on zi, just like people write sichuan sause as szechuan sauce, qingdao as tsingtao, etc.
flubba86 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:29:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating grass in a field. The first clown looks to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong.", The second clown startles and exclaims "Fuck'n hell! A talking clown?!".
During dinner, one cannibal sees the guy next to him looking despondent. The guy makes a deep sigh and the first cannibal says to him, โWhat's wrong, Phil?โ Phil answers, โI hate my mother-in-law.โ The first cannibal replies, โWell try the potatoes.โ
Nope. The Reddiquette says these kinds of comments are to be avoided. The Reddiquette was written by the people who created reddit. Ergo, they are absolutely not any part of the point of reddit.
They are popular on reddit, but thatโs an entirely different thing. The point is decided by the creators. The use is decided by the user.
Pop_Dop ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:39:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My God, people must be lining up to be your friend
Two cannibals are eating a man. Cannibal 1 turns to Cannibal 2 and says:
Cannibal 1: "I'm glad you're enjoying dinner!"
Cannibal 2: "Oh yeah! I'm having a ball!"
Cannibal 1: "Hey! Save one for me!"
derekd2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
The other cannibal replies, "Nah, not at all"
The thing about that joke is that the phrase "the cold shoulder" literally originates with people showing up late for dinner and getting cold beef shoulder. Which makes it slightly less funny, but also gives it a sort of odd circular quality that's hilarious in a way that I can't quite put my finger on.
snkn179 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:00:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Despite being repeated in several non-academic (non-scientific) books of etymology, the common explanation that the phrase stems from serving a cold shoulder of mutton or other meat to an unwanted guest is an incorrectย folk etymologyย according to linguists.
What did the undertaker say to the other undertaker after a long day at work?
"Let's grab a cold one."
gritd2 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:46:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He said "why the fuck did you allow me to be thrown 16 feet down off the cage on to an announcers table! " a little while later, he stopped seeing and talking to himself.
Clarification: he had 6TB in 2008, before 4K. Quite an impressive curation really.
Edit: just so everyone's on the same page with what kind of guy this is, his mom still Nairs his back, he was bald at 26, he wouldn't move because he bought a WWE game instead of a plane ticket, he's an aspiring white Facebook rapper (yep, not even good enough for a SoundCloud) whose favorite musician is Everlast AND to top it all off, he tried to propose to me after 3 weeks with a $59 ring he bought on sale at WalMart. Funny enough, he wouldn't take no for an answer when I repeatedly tried to dump him.
"Yarr, they say his plunder was so vast, that merely the folder labelled Butt Stuff were enough to fill the hard drive of even the lustiest sea dog. Such was the infamous Pirate Jonny_EP3, him what spent a lifetime trolling the deepest darkest depths in search of the finest pleasures any man ever laid eyes on. Some say he be out there still today..."
Happened to an old buddy of mine...
He's dead now. Died of AIDS after being repeatedly raped in the shower by multiple black guys in prison after being sent there for piracy.
Jk! That's just from a funny movie I made up! Guess what it's rated...
bluesox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one and use it all the time at work. Eventually, people would try and say the ounchline to get me to stop making the joke. I would just nod and say in my most pirate voice, "Aye."
xking23 ยท 2641 points ยท Posted at 22:14:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite ending is "the letter p, without it they'd be irate. "
mmmaddox ยท 870 points ยท Posted at 23:41:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is โP... itโs like an arrrr, with but one legโ
I did that to my dad once. He worked at IBM and it was the 90s. Told me the joke โwhatโs the difference between Jurassic Park and IBMโ. The original punchline was โJurassic Park has more bitesโ. Being a kid I replied โJurassic Park has electric fencesโ
My dad loved that more and told it around work.
newmug ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:28:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard sequence and the end as
What does a pirate drive?
They say "a carrrrrrrrr"
No a ship stupid.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just tested this on the gf and she actually guessed argon, I canโt believe it worked
csreid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:27:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's okay even if they say they don't know. It still breaks the pattern and works as an antijoke. Kinda like a clever version of "you put roast in a roaster, what do you put in a toaster?"
If they answer 'Gold,' that's when you say 'Arrrgon'!
dr1fter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:28:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just told these to my wife. I really paused and leaned in and waited for her to give up on each one, and by the end she in fact guessed argon. Have a little faith in humanity.
I like following up a punch of pirate jokes with "What's a pirate's favorite vehicle?" When they inevitably answer "A carrrrrrr," I say "No, it's a pirate ship of course!"
You missed - What is a pirate's least favourite letter - "dear sir, you have exceeded your broadband data usage, and as such we will be restricting your internet."
__celli ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately I donโt know many individuals who would reply with argon. Theyโd just scratch their head and go โuhhhh what are the elements againโ
I know it as, "No, you think it's the R but it's really the C"
This actually reminds me of another joke:
"So I'm actually friends with a pirate, you know, hook for a hand, eye patch, peg-leg and I was asking him about his mishaps, like, how did you lose your leg?
Pirate: Well, I was in a shipwreck y'see, and a damn shark came right up and bit me leg off
To which I replied 'wow that's horrible! How did you get the hook?'
Pirate: I lost it while swashbuckling with another sailor
Oh jeez that's really unfortunate! So how did you lose your eye, then?
Pirate: I was trying to navigate with the Sun and a seagull shat right in me eye!
A seagull?? Surely bird poop wouldn't cause your eye to fall out
Pirate: Aye, but it was me first day with the hook!"
Davcb94 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:47:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And if they guess the letters C or R, you can say it is P because without it they are irate.
Last year I was at Disney waiting for the bus back to my hotel, and there were two bored little kids there who had gotten pirate makeup at Pirates of the Caribbean, and one of them kept going around asking "What's a pirate's favorite letter?" and when his mom asked what, he yelled "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!". I still don't get it.
Once people start expecting that one, I like to follow up with 'A letter of marque'. Then I get to launch into a tirade about privateering until everybody gets bored.
Pirates say Arrrrr a lot, pronounced like the letter R. But they are pirates and are in the ocean, also called the sea, which is pronounced like the letter C.
Pirate walls into a bar. The bartender notices he has a steering wheel coming out his crotch, so he says "hey what's with the steering wheel coming out you crotch".
A pirate walks in to a bar with a steering wheel sticking out from his crotch.
The bartender asks: โIs that a steering wheel in your pants?โ
The pirate replied: โarrrr...,sheโs drivinโ me nuts!โ
psyki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants.ย ย He asks for some rum.ย The bartender says, "Yes, but sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says, "Arr!ย ย It's driving me nuts!"
nlfo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alright, let's do this right... What's a pirate's favorite letter? Many say it be "ARR", but they be dead wrong. Some say it be the "C", for every pirate is at home on the sea, but they be wrong, too. Some claim it be "X", for that marks the spot to find the booty, but every good pirate knows "G" marks the best spot, and leads to far more booty.
How does a blind skydiver know when he's three feet from the ground? The lead goes slack
-eDgAR- ยท 1045 points ยท Posted at 23:25:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A long one, but a classic:
A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didnโt much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
โWell, I donโt really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I donโt know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except aโ said the old man, and then he stopped.
โExcept what?โ asked the businessman.
โNothing, nothing,โ said the old man.
โCโmon, tell me! I need something!โ protested the businessman.โWell, sir, I donโt usually mention this, but there is the โvoodoo dildo,โโ the old man said.
โThe voodoo dildo?โ the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, โBig fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!โ
The old man said, โBut you havenโt seen what itโll do yet.โ
He pointed to a door and said โVoodoo dildo, the door.โ
The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, โVoodoo dildo, box!โ
The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.
The businessman said, โIโll take it!โ
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, โVoodoo dildo, my pussy.โ
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After heโd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said โVoodoo dildo, my pussy!โ The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing sheโd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided sheโd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much sheโd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadnโt been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldnโt stop screwing her.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, โYeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"
There is a russian version of this joke involving a robot named Lyolik, and a random neighbor instead of a policeman. With an extra bit at the end:
The businessman eventually came back and saw an unusually quiet neighborhood. In the middle of a road there was his neighbor with a rifle and his pants pilled down. The busunessman asked him, "what's the matter? Where's everyone?" The neighbor replied: "I have no clue where are the others. But Lyolik is HERE somewhere!"
I was excited but all of the top posts are garbage
Not sure why the downvote, the punchlines of all of the top posts are literally all like "my life sucks please upvote!"
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:06:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this one quite a lot, I love the reactions I get.
JSRambo ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:19:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โOh fuck youโ is a pretty common response for me
daskrip ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:34:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that this "why" double entendre (mixing up "what's the point" with "how did it happen") can be about anything but for some reason it's about geese formations.
Why do cars move so fast? If they didn't people wouldn't get where they need to go.
Why is your house so messy? Because many items are scattered around it.
But geese formations... that's such an incredibly random take on this.
HlfNlsn ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:01:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the geese thing specifically works because the question implies that there is a fun fact that most people probably donโt know. Any question can work as long as it is phrased in way that leads one to believe there is some little known fact theyโre about to learn.
Do you know the number one reason a house gets messy?
this is one of my all time favorite jokes. i told it on a third date, and at the end of the night she told me "we just aren't really gonna be a thing." my friends said it was because of the joke. i say it was because she was pissed off she didn't already know the joke. she had already lived 28 years without having heard the glory that is.
I work with a guy, and one time we passed a cemetery and he said to me "I bet I know how many dead people are in that cemetery." we all asked him how many, and he said "all of em". Stupid, but I love anti-jokes and I've used it on a few people myself
When I was in school, we would lead off with the question, do you know why geese fly in a V formation? The freshman would then give you a long technical answer about aerodynamics to try to impress you. Then you ask them why one side of the V is longer and they stare at you, stumped. Then you deliver the punchline.
dyam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair that is probably the answer. I mean there probably isn't much more to it then that. Just dumb luck that the one side is longer than the other.
It's an anti-joke.
Instead of being funny by subverting your expectations with a funny twist it subverts your expectations of a funny twist with something else that makes more or less sense in the context. Doesn't work with everyone.
Hah, I first heard this joke a few days ago said by a respectable native american grandma in a movie best described as "Roger Rabbit meets Dude where's my Car meets Smoke Signals". Good times.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A shoutout to the jokes pages on Highlights Magazine.
Just out of curiosity, is there an actual reason why they start the dive by falling backwards out of the boat? Or is that just a movie thing, which I assume is real because i've never actually seen anyone dive?
GBACHO ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 00:49:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
dyyys1 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:51:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's real. You can also step forward. Falling back is nice because you can't trip, it's easier to hold the mask on your face, and the tank takes the impact on the water from a few feet up so it doesn't sting.
When learning to drive a lot of people want to jump when taking the big step off the boat. You can't jump with all the gear on so you'll hit the boat and knock your gear off or damage something. Falling backwards prevents even the thought of jumping as well.
It's real. There's a few different ways to enter the water when diving and which you use most often depends on the type of boat. The main concern when entering the water is keeping the mask on your face and regulator (the breather) in your mouth -- so reducing your brunt impact on the water. From smaller boats (e.g. a dingy) falling backwards is easier than standing up and walking off the side as you're less likely to lose your balance from a wave or cause the boat to be imbalanced for others and the tank takes the brunt of the impact and the important things on your face don't. From larger boats falling of the side may not be feasible but then usually they're large enough that you can go to the edge and simply walk off the side vertically without having to worry about a wave making you fall or the like as you might worry about standing in a dingy -- again though things on your face are further from the water and less likely to be lost on entry.
Like the other people have said, it makes it really easy to keep gear in place and is the easiest way to exit something like a dinghy while wearing 40ish pounds of gear.
Personally, I prefer the giant step method, which is exactly what it sounds like. You take a very large step off of a platform that's usually at or just above water level. The issue with that is that it requires you to stand and walk, which is hard to do with the aforementioned heavy gear, not to mention the large flippers attached to your feet. As a result, the giant step is usually only done from a relatively large and stable vessel, with assistance from someone who's not diving, or occasionally off of a stable platform like a dock.
fmemate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Easiest way to get in instead of waddling down a latter then having to put find on fins the water and rolling in on your back helps keep regulator and mask in place.
I tried telling this joke and said โscuba driversโ because Iโm an idiot who trips over his own sentences. Still made everyone laugh though...at me.
I think it's because it genuinely piques your curiosity about the subject and then leaves you without the actual answer. I don't really like this joke style in general tbh, but I'm a big nerd.
I might be making this up but I'm pretty sure birds can sleep with one half of their brain at a time so I always figured that maybe they can only see out of one eye while half their brain is asleep and so they use it to track the lead bird. They probably take turns as the lead so that way everyone gets a good sleep and they can migrate further.
Again, I do not know if this is true. Googling would probably work well but ain't nobody got time for that.
True on all accounts. It's called unihemispheric slow-wave sleep. They are the only animals that can control how much of the brain they shut down, based on how open their eyes are. (as opposed to dolphins, who do sleep with half their brain, but don't have the control that birds have.) And while they have not completely worked out how migrating birds sleep, they do know that they use unihemispheric slow-wave sleep while not in the lead position.
Nice! I'm going to continue telling myself I came up with that theory rather than admitting to the much greater likelihood of me having read that somewhere before.
And to be honest I had plenty of time, but it felt a little too much like work and so naturally I was repulsed by the very thought of it.
I think the answer really is in the joke. If the implied question is: Why is one side of a goose V longer?
The answer is essentially that there was an extra goose. Itโs not like every flock flies with an even amount of geese. The drafting quality of the V formation works whether or not itโs symmetrical.
derekd2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend paused to think for a second and then smiled and shouted "Stupid!" Haha
Narcius ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dump him.
Quick kid. Run as fast as your little legs can carry you. Follow the train track north. You should hit Ackerton by sundown. London. It's a college town. Get a retail job and save up enough for a bus to get to the Canadian border. Someone will get in touch with you when the coast is clear.
[deleted] ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 00:47:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Speaking of wishes, you know what I never understood? Genies! They tell you to wish for anything you want, and then they add some terrible twist. Like you wish to jump high so he turns you into a frog. What? Why? Who gains from this? The genie? Where's the benefit? You should be fighting genies, man, not me. I'm not the problem. Genies. Genies are the problem.
There is a joke that my father says was popular during his time at college that I've never told. After I explain it, you'll surely understand why. It goes something like this:
You walk up to someone and ask, "Do you want to play Gestapo?" No matter their answer, you slap them across the face and say, "You lie! You lie!"
But he did say that once he told this joke to one of the football players who was massive and a bit slow. As he raised his hand to slap - gently, mind, because it was a joke, the guy grabbed his arm and scrunched up his face confusedly, and asked, "What are you doing?" and my dad never told that joke again.
Toahpt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I pulled that one on the daughter of some friends of mine. Their daughter is like 9 years old or something. She didn't think it was funny, but her parents did.
Every time I have tried this joke on a kid, they just rolled with it and made something up on the spot. It's hilarious because it always goes somewhere ridiculous.
I do one where we say โbananaโ two or three times before saying โOrange.โ โOrange who?โ โOrange you glad I didnt say banana?โ
My four-year-old replaces every one of the fruits mentioned with a random one instead. But he keeps the initial repetitions. โGrapes you glad I didnโt say apple? HAHAHAHA!โ
Alterex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:46:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol god dammit. Yeah i Just posted the same thing about my kids. They don't just stick to fruit though, they do whatever word they want
I still remember when my oldest was first trying to explore humor and he came up with the strangest things. For example:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana chocolate!
This was in response to us using the repetitive banana knock knock joke that ends with orange you glad I didn't say banana? I think it was that he didn't understand the word play and figured it was just another food that made it funny. Eventually after explaining more to him his punchline ended up being:
Banana, EAT ME!!!
Alterex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. Did the whole Orange/banana knock knock joke to my kids once. Orangeya glad I didn't say banana didn't mean anything to them cause they didn't get that it was supposed to sound like another word. So from there on out they thought thats just how all knock knock jokes are supposed to end. So we'd get...
Knock knock
who's there
Mickey Mouse
Mickey mouse who
Mickey mouse you glad I didn't say banana?
And they would die laughing and start it over again with a new word
Fexmeif ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:46:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The most interesting thing about hearing kids try to tell jokes is that that's probably how WE sound to them. Just saying random things and other people start laughing for no apparent reason!
Alterex ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:45:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. Did the whole Orange/banana knock knock joke to my kids once. Orangeya glad I didn't say banana didn't mean anything to them cause they didn't get that it was supposed to sound like another word. So from there on out they thought thats just how all knock knock jokes are supposed to end. So we'd get...
Knock knock
who's there
Mickey Mouse
Mickey mouse who
Mickey mouse you glad I didn't say banana?
And they would die laughing and start it over again with a new word
I tried to teach my daughter about knock knock jokes a month or two ago. I finally got her to say "Who's there?" and then responded with "Banana". She laughed hysterically. I tried over the course of several weeks, and could never get her past the point of just me saying banana. It made me feel like I was the one that didn't get the joke...
Our daughter is stuck on that one, too, but she's still too young to get that it's only funny with orange and banana. She just uses whatever words pop into her head or whatever is nearby and never waits for me to say "who?"
Her: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Her: Paw Patrol, aren't you glad I didn't say fruit snacks? throws head back... hahahahahaaaa
I taught my 4 year old the interrupting cow one a while back. It took literal hours of practice for her to understand that she couldn't wait until after I finished talking to say "moo". Now she tells it to everyone she meets with the proudest look on her face.
When I was 2/almost 3 I would tell this knock knock joke that I thought was HILARIOUS.
Me: knock knock
Mom: whoโs there?
Me: Mickey Mouse!
Mom: Mickey Mouse who?
Me: Mickey Mouseโs little brother!!!
๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ
Me: knock knock
Mom: whoโs there?
Me: Minnie Mouse
Mom: Minnie Mouse who?
Me: Minnie Mouseโs little sister!!!
๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ
Me: knock knock
Mom: whoโs there?
Me: Donald Duck!
..... this would go on for ever and ever and never got old to me. Still to this day I tell my mom this joke and we laugh.
Sheโs a patient woman.
When my son was that age he would say something like "OK i'm going to tell a joke. Are you ready?" Then he would just shout "JOKE!" and laugh hysterically. It was funny, maybe when he is older he will still tell that joke. :)
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:32:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
916ian ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:02:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. I was always particularly proud of that one, and it's probably the only one I have committed to memory, even though I kept writing for many years after I wrote it, and definitely wrote pieces that were technically better.
I'm on a leave of absence from writing for the time being, but have every confidence that I'll go back to it in the future, hopefully with more life experience behind me.
I enjoy the way that you write :). It is very good. It may be a heavy subject matter, but all of the poems I write are too haha. I think it is a good way to express those feelings and to get them out on paper. I hope that you are doing better now in life, and I hope that you kept writing!
R4dent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have an excellent grasp or rhythm and meter. You should still be writing.
Cyberfit ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 23:52:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad would do something sorta similar, he called it โPlaying KGB.โ Heโd ask my brother and I our names, and no matter what weโd say, heโd yell โLiar!โ in a Russian accent and shock us with cables hooked up to a car battery
From what Iโve read of china shortly after the cultural revolution, youโve got the wrong government. โHere, sign this document confessing and apologizing, and we wonโt kick you out of the party and ruin your career.โ
Schnort ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:29:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the German varient:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
WE'RE ZE ONES ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!
This joke is better when you slap them prior to responding for the full Gestapo effect.
On the German one, donโt forget to slap the other person across the face and yell the punchline halfway through them asking whoโs there. Very effective.
I wholeheartedly believe that I invented this joke in elementary school and it just spread like wildfire and no one will ever convince me otherwise or take that little victory away from me SO YOU'RE WELCOME
rftz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unlikely, unless you're older than 43-ish. It's in a scene in An American Werewolf in London, which came out in 1981.
Why would you do this to me? It's like the ONE great thing I can leave behind when I die and you just TOOK IT FROM ME. Do you have no HEART?! No. No I won't stand for this. I came up with this joke when I was 7 and that's that
Oh i canโt wait to use this one on my elementary school-aged boys on the drive to school. You just made my tomorrow and itโs not even happened yet!
verdatum ยท 3024 points ยท Posted at 00:01:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this guy gets sent to prison for the first time. And he's in line for lunch and one of the inmates shouts out "NUMBER 22!" and the whole cafeteria breaks out into laughter. So the new guy asks the person next to him what the heck that was all about.
"Well you see, between us all, we only know a certain number of jokes. And we've all told them to each other so many times that we just assigned them all numbers to save us the trouble of telling them."
Now, naturally, the new guy wants to fit in, so he spends weeks doing research to learn all about these jokes.
Finally, the day comes. He's there in line in the cafeteria and calls out "NUMBER 34!!" but absolutely no one laughs. So he asks his friend, "What gives? How come no one laughed?" His friend says, "I dunno, man, it must have been your delivery."
I like the alternative punchline, where he yells out "Sixty-five!" and everyone roars with laughter. The new guy says, 'Why was that one so funny?" and his friend says, "They've never heard it before!"
Original has a meta laugh in it. The joke-teller poorly delivers the joke.
diMario ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 04:46:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard still another punchline, where he yells out "Sixty-five" and everyone is silent, looking away embarrassed. The new guy says "What? Why is no one laughing?" and his friend says, "we don't like racists in here."
WJSidis ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt think thatโs a good punchline, because the whole premise is that theyโve heard them so often they can refer to them by number. The point is โitโs not the joke, itโs how you tell it.โ While I get where the alternative punchline is coming from, it undermines the joke if you think about it a bit.
Thatโs what makes it a good punchline, it doesnโt make sense
_67 ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 00:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternate ending:
Finally, the day comes. He's there in line in the cafeteria and calls out "NUMBER 34!!" and everyone cracks up laughing. Five minutes later and the laughter's just dying down, smiles all round etc. "What's up with that?" he says. "Can't have been that funny"
"Well ... " says his friend, still recovering his breath, "you see, we haven't heard that one before"
You know how a good joke can be ruined if it isn't told well? The main character of the joke yells out "NUMBER 34!", which logically cannot be messed up, yet no one laughs because it is somehow told badly. What makes the joke funny is the break of logic.
[deleted] ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 01:06:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was getting my hair cut once and the barber made me laugh unexpectedly and I had my mouth closed so I laughed hard out my nose and snot went all down my face. We both locked eyes in the mirror as I sat there like a 3 year old with snot all over my face.
Once when I was at summer camp, there was a talent show and a six-year-old went up to the mic to tell a joke.
He rapidly said "a man walks into a bar ouch" then immediately left the stage.
Everybody just stared, whispering to each other "huh? What did he say?" I personally found his complete lack of timing and delivery hilarious and laughed heartily, causing the people around me to glare at me (they probably thought I was laughing at him.)
Timing is the most important part of a joke. In this case the word "timng" is also the punchline to the joke qestion: "What's the most important part of a joke?"
By writing it like "Whats the most important part of a joke timing." he fucked up he timing though while also leavng you in anticipation of a follow up. It never comes though, as he said the punchline already and just messed up the timing.
MxM111 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you read the joke as it is written, then you spoil the joke. The right joke is
What's the most important part of a joke ... timing.
But when you remove pause, you have terrible timing and it kind of becomes not a joke, which still proves the point that timing is important.
Not very good joke, but a joke nevertheless.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:29:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke.. More of an explanation that timing is important which itself includes an example for it.
The only thing it has to do with a joke is that it contains the word "joke" which could be replaced with "sentence" and be exactly the same.
Systral ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:40:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm with you. Thereโs supposed to be an additional meaning to how itโs written that makes it funny, but thereโs not. They just wrote it so that the timing is off.
Eazyyy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought I was being stupid, like there was a genius hidden meaning. Thereโs not, the joke was just terrible.
Andoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm still fucking confused. Is the purpose fuck up grammar supposed to play a part in this? Is the joke that bad?
Timing to a joke is important. This is actually true.
A successful joke has to have delivery in which there is at least a beat between the expectation and the satisfaction created by the set-up.
In the case of this joke, the beat is denied. But this in and of itself is the point. The punchline is delivered at the same time as the set-up. This subverts expectations and leaves one confused. But in that interium of confusion, the beat is created. The time it takes to process the joke, creates the delay that was denied by design.
Thus not only is the joke a meta-analysis of itself, it allows the recipient of the joke to provide the element that it intentionally omitted.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True - it just isn't a joke.
Timing is an important part of a joke - (obvious, boring)
In this sentence the timing is bad
"Okay... True." - Where is the joke?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:14:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, haha timing is important in a joke...
jz41523 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:31 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not gunna lie I just laughed my ass off at your comment
Eazyyy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:55:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. Thatโs the joke. That the timing is off in a sentence about timing being important.
I think I get it, but if I do, it's very poorly done. I don't think it's a joke that can translate well to a written format. I'm imagining how it can be said outloud, like you interrupt the person who is about to make a guess after you ask the question or something.
tfofurn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I taught my five-year-old Interrupting Cow yesterday. He gets it right sometimes, but other times he'll moo after "who's there". I'm trying to teach him that if someone comes back with "moo who" he should say "interrupting cow" and it'll still work.
My daughters learnt the interrupting cow joke from that movie Home. Since then, my eldest wonโt tell any other joke. Iโm a little bit sick of the interrupting fucking cow these days. Shame, I used to love the joke.
I read it as them asking what the most important part of timing of a joke was. Considered the correct interpretation but it didnโt make sense or I wasnโt sure that was correct. It is a good one though.
You don't pause between asking the question ("What's the most important part of a joke?") and the answer ("timing"). So basically you say the most important part of a joke is timing while having horrible timing
So in normal talking, the sentence would be "What's the most important part of a joke? Timing!
Except the joke is that you mess up the normal timing of the sentence, so you say "what's the most important part of a joke timing" with the same cadence the whole time.
So the joke is that you're telling someone that timing is the most important part of a joke but you say it with terrible timing.
I once sent text messages to some friends one hour before joining them at a party. The text said "timing". Later that night, I told them "what's the most important part of a time travel joke?" and when they asked "what?" I pretended to write a text message on my phone, looked at them, put the phone back in my pocket and left to get a drink.
I mean that night, I had to explain the weird text they received earlier was connected to the joke and even then I had to explain the joke iirc.
(But to be fair it was late and we all had a drink or two)
alyaaz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly:
what's the difference between a good joke and a
Thereโs a guy on my Facebook who posts with zero punctuation. Itโs very difficult to read.
Curry goat too hot for wife to eat and I had to put more spice scotch bonnets on sweating a little lol wife even made the spice to be more authentic so good
peon47 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Head over to /r/jokes and see that actually happen all the damn time. There's some really good jokes there occasionally (well, it's better than /r/funny at least) but then people add "/edit" after the punchline to thank for the upvotes or something, and it completely steps on the actual joke.
For those that don't realise, you're meant to deliver 'timing' as they say "what?". So it goes like this;
"What's the most important part of a joke?"
"Wh-" "Timing!"
My sister in law thought this was a ripper after my partner told it to her. She got excited to tell her dad so when he got home she bounces up to him.
S - "Hey dad! What's the most important part of a joke?!"
D - "What?"
S - "... Timing!"
We killed ourselves laughing at how she fucked it up. She was so sad about it hahaha
bojrab ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:09:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so hard I snorted
I tried this with 2 friends and my family and they are so confused that they have gotten hostile
I need some opinions. I said this joke once and my friend swore itโs better this way: โwhatโs the best part of a joke?โ Then say โtimingโ like 2 minutes later randomly. I donโt think its funny at all, but he was adamant.
A physicist redditor once calculated how fast that brick would need to travel, and concluded that the kinetic energy necessary would be greater than the energy from an atomic bomb.
No, he had some really bad heart condition. Apparently he came out on stage one night and just said "this is my last show" because he couldn't keep doing it.
That's unfortunate. I used to watch his Comedy Central specials every time they came on. But at least he knew when it was getting too much and didn't try to push himself to keep going too long
That's true. There really aren't enough people who know/appreciate The Amazing Jonathan. He's so funny and so good at playing a "shitty magician" that sometimes it's easy to forget he's also a really good Illusionist.
dmanww ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit yeah, I think that's where I first heard it.
Also the bit with the windex
sdkav ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:42:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this version better, but itโs longer.
There were ducks in duck court, and the judge was about to begin the trial. The first defendant entered the room.
The judge said โwhatโs your name?โ
โQuackโ
โAnd what did you do?โ
โI was caught blowing bubbles in the pondโ
โOkay,โ the judge says โyour sentence is 6 months, bring in the next defendantโ
The next duck enters the courtroom and the judge says again, โwhatโs your name?โ
The duck says โquack quackโ
โAnd what did you do?โ
โWell I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond tooโ
โOkay, thatโs 6 monthsโ
Finally, a third duck enters. The judge says โdonโt tell me your name is quack quack quack!โ
Similar joke: three guys gather the next day after a night of heavy drinking. The first guy explains "I was so drunk as soon as I came home I started blowing chunks"
The second guy says "I was so drunk when I walked in my wife was so upset she took the kids and left me"
The third guy explains "I was so drunk, I tried to enjoy a smoke and immediately passed out with a lit cigarette and burned half my house down.โ
The second guy agreed that was the worst thing to have happened to all three of them, but then the first guy interrupts "Chunks is the name of my dogโ
Here's another fun one to say and also one of my favorite jokes:
Hey! I found out how to tell the gender of an ant and all you need is a bucket of water. If you drop an ant in and it sinks, girl ant. If you drop an ant in and it floats, boy-ant.
He self-identifies as a libertarian, but he does believe that men are downtrodden, Clinton supporters might kill him for endorsing Trump, and he himself would totally make a good politician. He has also used fake Reddit accounts to argue with people that badmouth him.
bino420 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:10:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So he says he's libertarian and you don't believe him? I don't get how he can state his political affiliation, yet you somehow seem to know his beliefs better than him so label him differently.
This is literally the same as saying, "well, Bob from the office says he identifies as a woman, but he doesn't know who he is! I'm still going to use 'he' and 'him' cause I've only seen him as a man and will unless he 100% transitions. Pfft, I know Bob better than he knows himself."
It's all spectrums - from political affiliations and beliefs to sexually - and it's not your place to lump people into rigid categories. A person themselves know best where they sit on spectrums. And it's especially horrible when you don't even personally know the person you're categorizing.
As u/DragonMeme pointed out, you'll have to say it verbally with a lisp to see it. So sink with a lisp is "think" and unsinkable is "unthinkable". It doesnt seem to be a joke that transfers to paper very well.
Oohhh. My brain refused to replace th with the s sound for ithberg (but read every other word with a lisp), so I kept trying to figure out wtf an ithberg is.
You pretend to have a lisp, where you say "th" when you mean to say "s". So you're "trying" to say "How do you sink the unsinkable? With an iceberg". But since you're faking a lisp, you instead say "How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg".
The joke is that since "think the unthinkable" is a perfectly valid phrase, one won't realize you "have a lisp" until you say "itheberg", which is not an actual word.
Yeah, like a lot of jokes it only really works when you say it. Like the one where you ask what's black and white and red all over, it's a newspaper, because you're not actually saying red, you're saying "read" in the past tense.
ManyPoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The titanic was known as 'the unsinkable ship' and it ended up getting sunk by crashing into an iceberg. So in the joke when it says 'think the unthinkable', it's actually 'sink the unsinkable' but said with a lisp, which you don't realise until the punchline. Also, 'itheberg' is kinda funny just because it's fun to say lol.
So youโre like my mother.. Breaks into laughter about 5 words into the joke. By the time she finishes, the joke isnโt even remotely funny, but everyone is dying of laughter from watching her trying to compose herself, and then at how much that lame joke made her laugh..
LukaCat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a joke about the Titanic, aka the unsinkable ship. Replace all the 'th' sounds with 's' sounds and voila
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:39:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Thanks!
I find it mildly funny. Iโm more into different kind of humor, I guess.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:06:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's definitely true.
Also, I think there are different types of humour, right? Which category do you think jokes fall into? I don't know how to explain but I always find jokes less funny. It's not that I don't get it. I kind of like dry or sarcastic or self-deprecating humour. Makes sense?
The joke teller is actually asking "How to you sink the unsinkable? With an iceberg." But with a lisp it will sound like
"How to you think the unthinkable". Both "think" and "unthinkable" are obviously real words, so it's not revealed that the teller has a lisp until you hear the punchline, "itheberg."
It doesn't work as well in text. I was reading "ithberg" as rhyming with "myth berg" at first, which ruins the joke.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:52:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife was having a serious conversation with my mom about her disabled aunt and I just burst out laughing. Thanks /u/Byizo. Now my wife thinks Iโm an asshole!
This reminds me of the joke where a ship is in distress off the coast of Germany. They radio the German coast guard, โHelp! Help! Weโre sinking.โ The coast guard radio operator replies, โVell, vat are you sinking about?โ
That joke works better depending on how you pronounce the word think. If you pronounce the โthโ with your tongue between your teeth then the joke makes more sense.
Dioxid3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In case you missed the original explanation: it doesnt work well in text. Its supposed to be a play on words through lisp. "How do you sink the unsinkable? With an iceberg" turns into "How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg"
EDIT2: Oh boy, has this been a confidence boost. Maybe I'll get back my recording equipment I loaned out and give voice work a proper try like I've always wanted. I let my anxiety get the better of me before, but... I think I'll do something about it now. Thank you. You're all totally awesome.
I used to work at a tire shop and the guys I worked with would randomly do that "hohoh" laugh and it would set off a chain reaction of 14 guys just shouting "hohoh" in the garage. I miss that place.
hapes ยท 1257 points ยท Posted at 01:40:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the record, the voice work there was excellent. Clear diction, excellent use of changes in voice to signify the speaker, good volume, not a lot of background noise, solid delivery of the joke, I give it a 9.325 out of 10.
Funnily enough that goes against what I've been told about my regular speaking voice all my life. "Quit being so monotone", "Stop mumbling", "Speak up!", "Why do you only talk in front of loud fans, sirens, and white noise machines?!"
Things are finally looking up!
Really though, thank you. I've always had shit self-esteem when it comes to my voice, to where speaking in voice chat in online games is near crippling, and yet I love making voices, putting on characters... I'm just usually the only one in the audience. I'll happily take criticism, but positive feedback feels pretty nice, so thanks.
You're the only one who explicitly said a handsome guy could be attached, so I explicitly want your feedback. Partners and family of course say I look alright, but I just want a random, unbiased opinion.
You're right, I should. I would get made fun of when smiling for my screwy teeth when I was a kid and not smiling is a habit I've been trying to break forever.
Some voices just go better on a mic and some better in person. If you ever feel like a radical career change or part time hobby, voice acting/audio book reading could definitely be in the books for you.
Any interest in DnD? It's a good outlet to make goofy/different voices, especially if you're DMing, and it only ever improves the experience for your players!
Haha, understandable. If you ever want to pick it up again, DMs are always in demand! You can use roll20 (a website) if you don't want to be in person, or you can swing by a local game shop if you have any near you, a bunch host game night type things. It'd be a good way to get back into social gatherings! You don't even have to run or participate in a game, a lot of groups are pretty cool with having an observer :)
Maybe I'll do that. My world has been feeling smaller and smaller every day, and I need to stop waiting on something else happening to open it up again. Thanks, friend!
Anytime, my dude! Good luck with everything, it's gonna be really fun for you getting back into it :) just test the waters with a group, if you don't like them, move to another! Simple as that. Hope things go well for ya!
I think we're in the same boat. A tiny boat of a world, in a vast sea of possibilities
Evystigo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:31:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Normally I'm pretty good at constructive criticism but there's nothing I can think of. I'd recommend narrating like that other guy said. 4.7892/7 voice
I'm an anxious mess when it comes to my voice though, for whatever reason, so this is the first time I've done something like this and had anyone hear.
I don't remember why it started, but my boyfriend and I have an inside joke where we use the Mickey voice to say "Pull the trigger, Piglet!" And it cracks us up every time.
I don't have to be gentle. Your voice is like one from the golden gods. The narrators voice is great, something I wouldn't mind watching a ton of youtube videos or podcasts or audiobooks. The lawyer's voice is maybe a little over the top, but amazing. The mickey voice is alright but definitely way better than anything I could have pulled off.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:29:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While I really like what you did there with the different voices, I have no clue how good it is objectively. What I can say, though, is that your normal voice is very pleasant to listen to.
I've wondered if that'd help. I've accidentally over-smoked high THC stuff and it kinda fucked me up. My mom gave me some CBD oil for sleep, and boy was that a relaxing way to nod off... and I have some high CBD, low THC pot for the occasional chill time, but I've never actually tried it to medicate my social anxieties.
Yo, your lawyer voice sounds like the coach in 50% off! Example
I thought for sure it was a dead match at first lollll. If you want to try and get voice work, there's plenty of places to find it, though I'll recommend behind the voice actors' casting call.
The voice is spot on man and maybe I have shitty hearing but I feel like if you made the voice go up instead of down when you say Goofy's name it would be even better. Kind of give it a more angry/exasperated feel.
I totally agree. I got anxious and just said fuck it and threw it out as is, because if I kept fretting over delivering it just right then I probably would've never actually saved and shared it. It's what's happened every other time I've wanted to do something like that.
It's great though. I wish I could do voices like that. I have too much of a southern accent that I can't seem to drop. Not like Larry the Cable Guy bad but it's pretty easy to find out the part of the country I'm from. The accent is stronger in most of my family. I think heavily consuming more neautrul accented media helped water it down but not eliminate it.
dynam0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
more like suicide
vivivox ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:39:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not their joke, it's from the Anchorman.
axf_ ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 23:46:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but it was an addition that wasnโt required and therefore the joke fizzled out on a less funny note instead of ending on the punchline.
vivivox ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:49:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't disagree with you there.
dr1fter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:42:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but you don't say that part when you tell the joke. u/Sneathy merely answered the question, and made the (somewhat obvious) observation that this is less "never-fail" than some of the other top comments.
GOD IT'S LIKE EXPLAINING THE JOKE BUT TWICE AS TERRIBLE.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's related to the joke being a never-fail joke. 60% of the time, it never fails. It's not part of the joke. (The joke is blockquoted so if you're using a good Reddit client the boundary should be obvious)
That's fantastic! I love it! You should do it, if you like it. Hey, maybe if we both go around Reddit doing it, it will become as regular as posting gifs!
I really made mine because I like doing voices, but I have bad vocal control. Just after ten or so minutes my throat will start hurting and I'll have to stop for hours or a whole day. So I know I'll never be a voice actor, but I like doing it. So this was something where I could work on it and get a little feedback. If you've looked at my profile, you'll see I haven't utilized it as much as I should have.
Sneathy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If that isn't the most accurate thing I've ever read
Dgc2002 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:47:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Detective: Mickey, I've got bad news and I've got worse news.
Detective: The bad news is that the piss used to write "fuck you" in the snow outside your house was in fact Goofy's.
Mickey: Oh no, whats the worse news?!
Detective: it was in Mini's handwriting.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:54:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You made me go from the top floor of the library to the bottomest one.
dr1fter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:44:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You... experienced this joke on so many levels?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
execute laughter.exe again
Asmor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey wakes up one fresh winter morning and opens his blinds, only to see that someone's written "FUCK YOU!" in the snow with piss.
Mickey calls the police and they investigate. The next day, the detective phones up Mickey. "Well, Mickey, I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is, we've determined that the urine is your best friend Goofy's."
"Oh god", Mickey says, "That's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?"
You can change that joke around too, maybe "I didn't say she was really weird" or "I didn't say she was super crazy" etc etc. Yeah....this might be the only joke I ever tell. Except I kinda milk it for awhile with some made up backstory.
Why doesn't blind people clean up after their guide dogs' mess? Because they can't see shit.
MattyFTM ยท 1355 points ยท Posted at 23:16:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, but seriously, how do blind people clean up after their dogs? Are their dogs trained to point out their shit to their owner? Because that seems really weird, but I guess that's how it has to go.
I've never thought about this before but now I am having an existential crisis over this poor dog having to direct his owner to this massive turd he just did like some kind of walk of shame.
Most guide dogs are females so that they can urinate while squatting. When they urinate, the handler can tell because the dog's back is straight. When they poop, their back is curved. When the handler feels the curved back, they can equip their hand with the poop bag and guide it down to the back of the dog, who has been trained to not react to this. As the dog stands, the handler's hand is in very close proximity to said pile of shit. A few swiping motions and it is easily found.
At least that is what I heard a blind person say when they called into a morning radio show once.
It would be. Again, this isn't from experience but from hearsay, so I can only speculate why females are preferred (if that is even accurate). I guess that when you have a service dog, especially a blind guide dog, there is an advantage to having a female that can simply hit the grass and squat to pee as opposed to leading you further from the path to find something to lift their leg at.
SOwED ยท 1340 points ยท Posted at 23:24:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to raise guide dogs (not to be confused with training guide dogs) and met some of the people my and other dogs wound up matched with. They tended to have severely impaired vision, like beyond just legally blind, but not to have literally no vision whatsoever.
I don't know if they train the dogs to point to it somehow, but the dogs are trained to more or less go on command, and if you know the direction the dog is oriented, you can tell pretty much right where it is. Also it is brown on green grass most of the time. Also it smells. And tastes shitty. So there are other ways to identify it.
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:02:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I knew a guy who was completely blind with a guide dog. He was completely independent. Rode the bus everywhere. He didn't even have his dog with him all the time, sometimes he just used his cane. He couldn't see anything. I worked in a plasma donation place and he came in to donate 2 times a week.
Fuck me, I start to have heart palpitations (not literally) if I have any needle but those tiny ones. :/ There is no way in hell I could donate blood once a year, let alone twice a week. Also, maybe itโs just me, but that sounds like a lot of blood lol. Iโm sure itโs not really that much, and Iโm sure he got proper medical advice before doing it, but still.
completely independent
You talk as if thatโs unusual. AFAIK itโs more common than not for blind people to be completely independent, especially if theyโre familiar with the places theyโre going to. Of course, it depends on where you live and what resources youโve got access to (public transport, shops, good roads and footpaths etc.). Google maps is an absolute godsend.
Source: have a vision impairment, was travel trained as a kid and now am fine with buses and trains, although am shit with directions unless I have a map in front of me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can donate plasma a lot more often than whole blood.
It's plasma, not blood. The blood cells are returned to the donor so all that's taken is fluid with blood factors in it. You can donate 2 times in 7 days and all you need to do is drink a lot of water to replenish and eat a healthy diet.
I was responding to the comments about people who are totally blind having a helper with them. That's not true. They are perfectly capable of getting around by themselves.
I really need to train my dog to, at the very least, bark when he goes. He likes running with me while I bike, and he's brought me to the ground many times because he just frickin stops dead on his tracks before pooping
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I also help raise (not train) guide dogs, and what weโre told to do is run our hand down the puppyโs pack when theyโre going to the bathroom because thatโs how a blind person would know if thereโs poop to pick up; the dog arches its back when pooping, but not when peeing.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, this is an actual non-shit-tasting way to do it.
I feel like I read somewhere that they feel the dogs back and if it's arched they know it's number 2 and they also know which direction it is in and approx. where
Used to work with a blind guy with a guide dog. I was his reader. He would take the dog out for a โwalk,โ heโd turn a plastic baggie inside out in his hand, would grope around in the general vicinity of where the dog had stopped to do his business, and pick up the poop. Only rarely did he ever miss any that I saw.
I used to raise guide dogs for the Guide Dog Foundation for the Blind. The dogs are trained to โbusyโ on command on concrete (not grass). This is mainly because many of these dogs end up in metropolitan areas where it is not always easy to find grass. In addition to this, however, it makes it easy to find the poop when they are finished! The handler is trained to run their hand down the back of the dog as they are โbusyingโ to determine if they are pooping or peeing; this also gives the handler some idea of the location.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:27:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
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SumWon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once had this happen, but I didn't have any bags because I'm an idiot...so me and my dog ran away as fast as we could and I felt horrible. He enjoyed the run though at least...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:17 on April 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
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SumWon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:02 on April 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog usually gives me a signal if he needs to go, but otherwise he'll hold it till I take him out. It's just a relationship with the dog that you both get used to and start to read each other's body language.
Maybe their dogs are like mine and they just eat their own shit. I didnโt even have to train her!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
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Fatvod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the oldest questions on reddit. Like 9 years old. Just search "how do blind people know when to stop wiping". It got asked so much that it was a meme back in the earlier reddit days.
There was a blind guy in my neighborhood growing up who had a guide dog. His dog had a regular poop spot; no poop was ever cleaned up. It was just a small patch of grass with a giant pile of shit on it at all times and no one said anything cause I mean how could you tell a blind guy that he needs to clean up after his dog....
MrsFlip ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:50:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Easy. "You need to clean up after your dog, Sir." Done.
I wondered that too, when, a few weeks back, I passed a blind guy whose guide dog had just dropped a big steamer right in the middle of the sidewalk. I didn't stop to ask.
Jagacin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they're anything like my dogs, they probably eat their own shit.
Simple answer actually. When the dog arches his/her back (and you'll know your dogs inclinations, behaviors, timings etc) you position your foot to the intersect line of your pup's rump. When he/she is done, you'll use that foot reference as a line guide to strike that pot o' gold with your awaiting bag.
Iโm raising a guide dog puppy for Guide Dogs Victoria in Australia at the moment. For my dog, sheโs trained to go on command and that she goes at home before and after she goes goes out.
Typically, the person needing a guide dog is also trained to tell the difference between the different postures of the dog. Often, they will place a hand on the dogs rear area, above the tail when the dog does it's business, and they learn to feel the difference between a one and a two. Plus...smell.
Guide dog trainer here! The dogs poop on command, and then stay in place so the blind person can either feel the dog and find the poop, or see the dog's have a good general idea of where the turd is.
I was out with a blind guy once. As we were walking his dog shat all over the street. He didn't seem to notice and I lacked the mental fortitude to bring it up.
I remember a news story where a blind guy picked up behind his dog, but since he couldnโt find a trash can he just left in on some steps at a university. The building he left it at was the black student union and there was a hate crime investigation on it. No thatโs some funny shit.
My dad is blind and had a service dog. They train them to use the toilet and flush afterwards. The dick head never washed his hands afterwards, it was gross.
Retail clerk spots a blind man swing his dog in circles by the leash and asked the man if he needed help. The blind man said, "No, I'm just looking around."
A blind man is walking though a grocery store with his guide dog, when, suddenly, he picks up the dog and starts spinning the dog over his head by its lead.
A clerk runs over and asks: "Hey, Mister, what the heck are you doing?"
The blind man replies: "Just having a look around."
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
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iDankkk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:18:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking the same thing but most of the time these mistakes are made by people who don't speak English as their first language.
piccini9 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
KNNLTF ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:56:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The double entendre is not just on the word "well" but also "that". How do you get two meanings out of "that"; it's truly brilliant. My favorite along these lines is "I, for one, like Roman Numerals", where every word has two meanings except the focal point of the sentence, "Roman Numerals".
Nope. Puns that still make sense through multiple meanings are clever. The kind of puns that people favor is just recognizing that one word kinda sounds like another word, and that's very not-clever. I'd prefer that we wouldn't even consider those puns, but, as long as we do, there are acceptable and unacceptable puns.
Can confirm, i'm blind and i did not appreciate that joke.
Kholzie ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:49:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf. After a while, they notice how poorly the group of people ahead of them is playing and complain to the golf course owners about them slowing their game.
The Owners: ah, those are firemen who recently lost their sight on a call. We let them play here as a courtesy, to thank them for their service.
The three men are moved by this and quickly have ideas.
The Doctor: ah! Well, In that case, I would love to examine them and see to what extent their blindness can be reversed!
The Priest: I would like to bring them to my church! We have given many congregant spiritual healing!
Did he see the well or fly away? For the well is cooked; well-done, but small in the grand scheme of things. One sees the well, and buries it underneath the desert's surface. There is not a drop of water for miles upon miles, not in any of the milliards of grains of sand in the vast plain. The well is our last hope. It provides sustenance, spirit, and soul when necessary. And one day, the well will open wider, and neither the blind man nor the half-blind man will notice. The well will swallow us all, leaving mere grains of sand where our memories once existed.
I don't know where I got this one from or if I made it up myself but I have something similar. I would say I had an uncle that was fired from his job because he was blind. He worked at the sewage treatment plant and couldn't see shit. I could see Norm MacDonald making this work really well.
I sell window treatment and this old guy came up to me and said are you the blind man? I responded yes I am do you need any help and he said โhow do you seeโ my co worker started cracking up. It just flew over my head.
When I was a teenager my mother caught me, uh, exploring myself. She told me to stop and that my dad would explain why.
When my dad came up he said โJustASexyKurt, if you keep doing that youโll go blindโ. I said โDad Iโm over hereโ
Acope234 ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 23:54:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never forget the time my dad caught me jerking off. He closed the door and yelled through it "if you keep pulling on that it'll come right off! ask your sister!"
One day when I was a teenager, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She said to me "Son, good boys save that until they are married. Do you understand, son?" I told her I did, and the incident went unmentioned for months, until one day out of the blue she knocked on my bedroom door. She asked if I remembered our discussion from weeks ago, and if I had been a good boy since then.
"Sure have Mom, I've got almost this entire milk jug filled up!"
"In my house I have a light switch that doesn't do anything. Every time I walk past it, I flick it up and down a few times just to check. Last week I got a letter from a guy in China saying, 'Cut it out!'"
Kulpas ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:28:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Look, I... I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, Mr O'Connell, but I am proud of what I am... I... am a librarian!"
I didn't even know about the other, and because it's so old I have no nostalgia for a movie I didn't see in theaters or watch at home 20+ times in 1932. But TIL.
MANDATORY: Ohhh gee wiz! I wish Brendan Fraser was in every movie, tv show, play, radio commercial and bathroom ad poster that was ever made ever! Right? Right!? RIGHT?!!!???!!??!? . . . . . Okay, thatโs done. Where do I collect my internet money?
Gilgie ยท 743 points ยท Posted at 21:04:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOURE GOING THE WRONG WAY!
Ah theyre drunk, how do they know where were going.
My family watches that movie every Thanksgiving. It never gets old! The scene where he messes with the car seat until it gets stuck kills me every time
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more and decide to escape. So they get up onto the roof, and there, just across a narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away to freedom.
The first guy jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. He's afraid of falling.
So the first guy has an idea, he says ''Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!''
But the second guy just shakes his head. He says ''What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!''
Zezombye ยท 249 points ยท Posted at 22:26:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that still going on? Seemed like a bit of a rushed flop. They couldn't get it out in time for April 1st, and when they did get it out it was plagued by bugs.
ogonga ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:02:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The relevance of that joke was intriguing. I had to really think about which one would be afraid of the dark. The bat? The joker? Maybe both are fitting in certain circumstances.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:15:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Asylum joke:
Two friends were in an insane asylum. They decided to go swimming. One jumps in and stays at the bottom of the pool, drowning himself. The other leaps in and saves his life herself. Later, the nurse approaches her saying "that, after displaying the awareness to rescue your friend, we are allowing you to take what we call a sanity test and release you to your family. However, before you begin, I have bad news. Your friend hung and killed himself in the bathroom shortly after you saved him." To which she responds, "He didn't kill himself. I hung him up to dry!"
That's an old Nasruddin joke. (The spelling of his name varies: Nasrudin/Nasruddin/Nasreddin/etc) Theyโre great. Hereโs some more:
Nasrudin went into a teahouse and was asked which was more important, the Moon or the Sun.
After some thought he declaimed, โThe moon is more important than the Sun.โ
โWhy?โ, they asked.
โBecause at night we need the light more.โ
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand.
As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
Mulla Nasrudin is a popular folk figure from the Middle East. The traditional explanation is that because Nasrudin was a smart but arrogant child, a sage put a spell on him:
However wise he would become, people would always laugh at whatever he said, and
Whenever one Nasrudin tale is told, people will feel compelled to tell them until at least seven have been recited.
There are many anthologies of Nasrudin stories out there. Like Zen Koans, Sufis say there is hidden meaning in each one, illustrating patterns of thought or errors in reasoning.
So without further delay, here are four more:
The Mulla was walking down the street deep in thought, when some urchins began to throw stones at him. He was taken by surprise, and besides, he was not a big man.
"Don't do that, and I will tell you something of interest to you."
"All right, what is it? But no philosophy."
"The Emir is throwing a party, with a free banquet to all comers."
The children ran off towards the Emir's house.
Nasrudin looked up and saw them disppearing into the distance. Suddenly he tucked up his robes and started to sprint after them. "I'd better go and see," he panted to himself, "because it might be true after all."
"There is nothing without an answer," said a monk as he entered the teahouse where Nasrudin and his friends sat.
"Yet I have been challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," observed the Mulla.
"Would that I had been there! Tell it to me and I shall answer it."
"Very well. He said, 'Why are you stealing into my house through a window by night?'"
The Mulla's neighbour wanted to borrow his clothes-line.
"Sorry," said Nasrudin, "I am using it. Drying flour."
"How on earth can you dry flour on a clothes-line ?"
"It is less difficult than you think when you do not want to lend it."
Mulla was once boasting about his ageless strength.
"I am as strong as I was when I was a young man."
"How can that be?", he was asked.
"There is a big rock outside my house. I couldn't move it then and I can't move it now!" said Mulla.
And one final one to complete the set:
One night, the Mullah was seen circling under a street light, his eyes scanning the ground, when a group of boys approached.
"Hey Mullah! What are you doing?", one of them asked.
"I'm looking for the keys to my donkey stable!" was his agitated reply.
So, they joined him in his search and combed the entire street.
"Mullah, are you sure your keys are here in the street?", another asked.
"No, I'm certain they are somewhere over there by the dark stable entrance."
"Then why are you looking in the street?", they replied in exasperation.
Did you hear about the helpful blond? She was on the opposite side of the river from a guy who yelled "How do I get to the other side of the river?" She replied "You are on the other side of the river!"
This is the way I heard it.
epneus1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my dad this joke and he chuckled and said they musta been drunk
jakeinmn ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:05:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heres another river joke.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are trying to cross a river when they come accross a genie lamp. The genie comes out and grants them each one wish.
The blonde wished she was smart enough to cross the river, and the genie taught her how to swim. She swam accross and got her makeup wet and stormed off.
The redhead wished she was smart enough to cross the river and not get wet, so the genie gave her the smarts to build a boat. It took her a long time to get ready, but she managed to get to the other side.
Finally, the Brunette wished she was smart enough to cross the river, not get wet, and not take an exhortbant amount of time to do it. The genie made her into a man, and then he took the bridge.
Jack and Vera go to blackpool every 10 years to celebrate their anniversary.
On their first 10 year anniversary, Jack urges Vera to come on the air tour with him, she declines and tells him, 'No jack, it's too expensive and ยฃ50 is ยฃ50' Jack reluctantly agrees and they enjoy the rest of their holiday.
10 years pass and Jack and Vera return to Blackpool once again, and once again Jack asks Vera to come on the aerial tour and once again she declines, saying 'No jack, it's too expensive and ยฃ50 is ยฃ50' and they go on their way.
Another 10 years pass and once again Jack asks and Vera declines. Jack becomes irate, pleading with her that by the time they return again he will be unable or incapable of taking the aerial tour, hearing the commotion the pilot walks over and makes them a deal, he will take them on the tour for free, providing they are silent for the entirety of the tour.
They agree and they take off, The pilot is surprised by how quiet they are and begins to pull off fancy tricks to get them to talk. He eventually lands and turns around and says to them 'I am impressed, i didn't hear peep out of either of you' to which Jack replies 'To be honest, i nearly said something when Vera fell out the plane, but ยฃ50 is ยฃ50'
JamJarre ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 10:17:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think this works better if Vera is the one who says that at the end, given how consistently she cares about the cost of things. Having Jack say it makes him sound like an asshole.
Yeah I know. But the joke's funnier if it's Jack who falls out and dies, because Vera is obsessed with saving money. The joke is that she cares about it so much she's prepared to let her husband fall to his death
Otherwise you gotta establish that Jack doesn't like Vera and would be cool with her dying.
Little Johnny was walking down the street when a dodgy looking old guy pulls up in a car and says 'hey little boy, would you like to come and see some puppies?' Johnny replies 'cut the crap and show me your cock'
Except that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing. I donโt believe that this is the case with Japanese Lentils, though I could be wrong.
tombsar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think that's necessary for the joke to work. It's just that if you tried to tell it to anyone in England, for example, the response is almost always going to be "What's a garbanzo bean?".
Oareo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:23:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is it racist?
punania ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:31:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Surely this not the forum for that discussion. If you donโt find it so, great, but then maybe donโt be surprised if others do.
Oareo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:09:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm genuinely curious what you think, if you are unwilling to backup your statement publicly you can message me.
You aren't saying anything negative, perpetuating stereotypes or using slurs. But these days I guess I'm not surprised you think any mention of race is racist. Thanks for Trump, I guess.
punania ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:10 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The implicit connecting of Japanese women and sexual fetish has a tinge of racism in it. Iโm not bothered by this personally, and I feel reading that into it is overly politically correct but is something some people will do. I was also making a joke about that, using the word โspiceโ blatantly inappropriately. Alas, like any joke, it gets less funny the more you explain it. No need to relate everything to Trump, by the way. There have been assholes and thugs in this world long before him.
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians. In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?"
"Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex..."
The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?"
"Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex.
On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?"
"Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
He keeps trying to call for a posse(a group of people with guns) to come rescue him, but his horse keeps hearing "pussy" and bringing him women. Finally, the cowboy gets fed up and yells in his horse's ear what he actually wants, to the point that he's spelling it out.
I fucked with my friend after she tried this one on me. I actually went to IMDB and searched for 'Constipation' and turns out it's the title of a short film from 2008.
I saw it somewhere online with an illustration. It's my go-to joke. Along with 'what do you call a cow that has given birth? Decaffeinated' And 'what do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway'
It's really stupid but it's never failed to make people laugh.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Roy Rodgers had just purchased a brand new pair of cowboy boots. He was out riding trigger one day when the heat started getting to him so he stopped by the nearest watering hole, stripped down and took a dip in the water to cool off. While there a mountain lion snuck up, grabbed one of his boots and started knawing on the leather... Roy raced out of the water yelling and screaming to scare him off, but he just grabbed the other. Roy was so mad he grabbed his gun and shot that mountain lion dead. Well... he got dressed... slung the body of the animal over his saddle and started for home. When he got there, Dale Evans took one look at him, the dead animal, and what was left of his boots and couldn't help but ask, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"
t0f0b0 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:45:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I know goes:
Did you hear that Mary Poppins has opened up a fortune-telling shop in San Francisco? Yeah, apparently she just smells your breath and can tell you your future.
Just look up her ad in the paper:
Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis
CLVN-RL ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:39:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this as "What do you call a witch with bad breath, brittle bones, and blisters on her feet? A super calloused fragile witch who's vexed by halitosis."
So Merry Poppins quit her job as a nanny to move to Hollywood, and become a psychic. Only she doesn't tell your fortune by reading the lines on your palm, but instead by smelling your breath. They call her the Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
HMJ87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."
Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."
Dejected, the string leaves and returns home once again. A few weeks go bye, and the string decides to try his luck one more time. He ties himself up and pulls apart the top of his string to change his appearance. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks long and hard and says,"You look familiar. You've definitely been around here. Aren't you that string from a while back?"
The string looks him straight in the eye and says cooly,"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Edit: have to give credit where itโs due. Got this from my fiancรฉโs roommateโs dad. We connected pretty quickly based on our passion for the daddest of jokes.
I approached a man standing on the railing of a bridge. He was gonna jump.
I ran to him and said "don't do it!"
He said "nobody loves me."
I said "don't say that, God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said yes. I said "Me too, are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said Christian. I said "me too! Are you Protestant or Catholic?"
He said Protestant. I said "me too! What franchise?"
He said Baptist. I said "me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said Northern Baptist. I said "me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said Northern Conservative Baptist. I said "me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region. "I said me too! "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. And I said "DIE, HERETIC!" and I pushed him off the bridge.
GayFesh ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:31:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love Emo Philips.
vladoman ยท 939 points ยท Posted at 22:23:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before the invention of the train in 1804, people used to run wagons on your mom.
meceng97 ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 05:10:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When a group of males are lined up and take turns performing intercourse on a female they have successfully โran a trainโ. Before trains however, a common form of transportation would be the wagon. Hence the joke states that the mother is old (older than a train) and a whore (having multiple penises in her in a short period of timeโ. Hope this helps
Before the invention of the combustion engine, people used to run trains on your mom.
This version has the benefit of the emphasized phrase being โyour momโ instead of โwagonโ but suffers from the implication that people no longer run trains on the recipients mother which is presumably false.
Smaktat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:02 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ertgarb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:55:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Moth balls" are spheres of cedar wood, which has a distinct smell. They're used in closets to keep moths from eating certain fabrics. If you have seen them before it is likely you have smelled them.
Dammit. I added this joke here before reading this thread. Just saw yours.
My three year old daughter tells this joke all the time. Her older brother and sister taught it to her and rehearsed it with her til she got it perfect.
You think this joke is funny, wait til you hear a 3 year old tell it lol.
Since nobody tells Monica Lewinsky jokes any more, I'll just share all the ones I know:
There's a President's Day sale at Macy's, all men's pants are half off.
She takes a dress to the cleaner, and explains to him about the mustard stain. The man is hard of hearing and says "I'm sorry, come again?" She says no, this time it's mustard.
I know there are others, but I can't remember them... I'll come back if I do.
My dad would tell this one when we drove past a cow pasture with a single cow, or one off away from the field. He'd point at the cow and say "That is a truly gifted cow", and when someone would ask why, he'd say "Well, he's out standing in his field."
Julayyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve heard it with the scarecrow too and then it ends with โbut hay, itโs in his jeans!โ
yipidee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:18:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hear about the magic tractor? Drove down the lane and turned into a field
tombsar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funniest joke in the world was weaponised by translating into german, germans retaliate by broadcasting a joke over the radio, but it's just the peanuts one with a couple of words still in german.
I know youโre telling a joke, but this is one of your more impressive poems. You made an old classic joke into a poem! So awesome!
icarus14 ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 22:51:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never realized I needed a joke in poem form! Beauty
giveer ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 00:02:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to go on 20 - 30 minute rants telling this joke sending the character across fields, desert, military depots and signs that would send him down 8000 flights of stairs to "go downstairs and get the key" over and over and over. I have no idea how I ever said the joke more than once, but my friends would get me to re-tell it to anyone who hadn't heard it before.
The last time I told it was probably 20 years ago at least. I told it so many times and the joke is drawn out so annoyingly long, I don't miss it one bit. :)
I understand you must get a lot of these, but other than the ones about Timmy, this was the greatest poem I have ever read in my life. I donโt understand how famous poets were so complex and yet they became known as the greatest poets in the world. In my honest opinion, you sir, are the greatest poet on this planet. If you donโt start trying to publish your own poems I will be sad. You have a way of putting it where in your poems it sounds like a grand story being told, but unlike other poets, yours are easy to understand. Your poems are the best in existence. They take you through all the motions but lack the ability to leave your audience pondering on what their point was in that poem. You have such a way with words to be able to blatantly write such perfect, smoothly flowing poems that rhyme perfectly, make so much sense that a child could understand it, and yet carry you through an entire novel all in one. You sir are truly the best. I will be 100% melancholy if you do not at least try to publish some of your work. Simply the best thing Iโve ever read. Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
My friend's grandfather used to continue the story as a bedtime story. Tell it to them in 10-20 minute chunks, send the man over field and hills and battling monsters.
He visited once a week.
Two months later, he finally finished.
Sihnar ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:49:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It made him think of sirens song -
The secret chimes of Mars -
The shrouded space where dreams belong -
The voice beyond the stars.
It made him think of hearts that yearn -
The rhymes of wings unfurled -
The passing beat of time to turn -
The light beneath the world.
It made him think of love and peace -
The silent bliss behind -
The perfect place where problems cease
To vex the waking mind.
Beautifully written. Should be a folk song.
rab7 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:56:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or the lyrics to a prog metal anthem
infez ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:46:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More like SPROG metal anthem!
Sypsy ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:09:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've once told an hour long version of this joke...
The ending reminded me of one my dad used to tell... So even if I'm not a monk I know what was in the trunk.
A monk talks with other monk about how hard his celibacy vote has become, tho other monk offers a solution, he says there's a hollow trunk on a tree in the forest nearby, if he goes there after the mass, there's a hole in there, he'll know what to do... So he goes there, and a bit reluctantly sticks his dick in the hole, it feels good, warm and soft, so he keeps going until he finishes. A week passes by, he decides to go again, but this time it's rough and what you would expect from trying to fuck a tree. So he goes to his college and says "Brother, I went to the tree today, but it was not like the first time" to which the other monk replies "Oh, forgot to tell you, Wednesday is your turn inside the trunk"
I love jokes like this because they play with the form. One of my favourites is The Purple Box. Like all shaggy dog jokes this is best if played for way too long. The longer the better. The basic form is a kid who hears something at school about "the purple box". He asks his teacher what it is, and the teacher is appalled. The teacher slaps him across the mouth. His parents are shocked that he was hit and ask why. He says he asked about The Purple Box and they're outraged as well, and take turns beating him. This goes on for the rest of his life. He becomes obsessed with finding out what the purple box is but everyone he ask hits him. He becomes homeless and crazy. The asks a man one day who is angry with and beats him to death. Finally he stands before St Peter. Finally he'll get the truth. What is the purple box?
St Peter is OUTRAGED. He hits him too. Then he casts him down to hell. In hell he stands before Satan, who says "Weird, you don't belong here. What did you do to get sent?" The man says he asked about the purple box. Satan is.. amused. "You know what it is?!" Satan laughs "Know it? I invented it!" "Well? What is it?!"
So much better than mine. Mine is essentially the same, but with a scratching noise behind a door, and the priest says the man must study for 7 years, 7 months, 7 weeks, 7 days, 7 hours, 7 minutes, and 7 seconds. I end up repeating that bout of 7s about 7 times, if I can.
Also, mine doesn't rhyme. Now, I have to know... Do you have this memorized, or written somewhere?
They do. They just also happen to be a Reddit regular.
splim ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:16:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. Epic!
Nyriae ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:01:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I first saw how long was this post, skipped to the comments... and the comments convinced me to read it all.
I have no regrets, it's a good poem, thanks.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:20:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're adorable.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:18:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Timmy fucking died.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Quite the go-to joke.
nwL_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I started reading this out loud before I had it read once through, and realized itโs one of the perfect jokes to tell at a family gathering or something. It just has this little something mixed with a ton of artistic ability.
Oh god. A friend got me with this one Friday night. I was trying to leave because I was tired but he convinced me to read all of it. I was so mad yet equally impressed by the end.
My favorite way to tell this is to just stop after I say he found out what it was. So someone can ask and you just respond "you have to be a monk to know."
I think this would be infinitely better if the whole thing was told in first person. The swap from third person to first for that last line really confused me.
It's not, but it's in common meter. You can sing it to a lot of songs. Amazing Grace, House of the Rising Sun, Gilligan's Island, the original 4Kids Pokรฉmon themeโฆ
samskie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:26 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man sat on the side of the road,
his car with a hood overflowed.
So he set off to find
A person so kind
As to offer him room and abode.
As he ambled across the land,
He happened upon a band
Of folk with warm greeting
"Good fortune, us meeting!
We're happy to lend a hand.
"We're monks and our pri'ry is near,
Toward us did the Lord bid you steer,
It's our duty to aid
Folks like you so waylaid;
Feel free to pass your evening here."
The man settled in for the night,
With pillow and blanket tucked tight.
But before he could sleep
A small sound seemed to creep in
And it stayed in his head, tried he might.
It started so simple and low
But it grew 'till it swallowed him whole
A sound at once thunderous
And yet quiet and wonderous;
For once he knew nothing of woe.
With ecstasy unparalleled,
The sound seemed to cast him a spell.
His thoughts filled with love
And with angels above
And his heart full of happiness swelled.
The following morrow he found
At first light all the monks were abound.
"Good day, sirs!" he greeted,
"There's something I need, if
you'd kindly tell me of that sound!"
The monks had no need to confer;
With nary a beat, they deferred.
"It's a secret that's kept
from even Adepts,
you MUST be a monk!" they concurred.
"I must know of that sound, I insist!"
The traveler tried to persist.
But despite his tenacity
To reveal the veracity
The brothers would always resist.
"Please tell me!" he asked, response "nay!"
"Firstly, be one with our way.
"If you wish to glean
the sound's origin,
You MUST be a monk," they would say.
"You cannot find out with sheer force;
Let God set you on His good course.
If you join our order,
be one with the Lord,
We'll gladly reveal its source."
And so did the traveler give in,
gave up all his worldly sin.
He started his training
So he could attain
That sound which transcended the din.
Through every hardship endured
To make the man righeous and pure,
If once more he could hear
That sound in his ear
Then that was sufficient allure.
Through The Portal of Grief Unsurpassed,
The Bridge of Sorrow Amassed,
The Peak of Despair, and
The Treacherous Lair,
His want of the sound did hold fast.
Through every trial and strife
That took many years of his life,
The thoughts of the joys
He gained from the noise
Was enough to brave miseries rife.
The traveler was eighty years old
When the brothers brought him to the fold.
"Your training is done,
The hour is come.
The source of the sound can be told."
They set it down with a large plunk
A massive but heavenly trunk
Its top lid unsealed
To the traveler revealed--
To know what, you MUST be a monk.
The second scientist says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The bartender looks up serves them both water because he understands how proper English grammar works enough to understand the second scientists request.
The nice lesbian couple next door gave me a Rolex for Christmas. It was incredibly generous of them but I donโt think they understood me when I told them โI wanna watch.โ
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
(You either get someone who finds it somewhat funny, or someone go gives you the look like youโre stupid, which I think is really really funny. So for me this joke never fails!)
Syslox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when the butcherโs wife backs in to the meat grinder?
Disaster
Okay.. so there's two muffins in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second and says, "is it just me, or is it hot in here?" The second muffin says, " HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
The horse thinks a moment, says "I think not", and suddenly disappears.
Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher Renee Descartes, who famously said "I think, therefore I am". The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't... but if I explained that first, I'd be putting Descartes before da horse.
One of the greatest puns on Reddit, if not the best.
I remember where I was when I first read this pun. I was at a haunted house, the idea of which admitted made me a little scared, but the house's owner promised me that there would be a guard to protect me throughout the night, which made me a feel a little better.
The clock struck midnight, but still no guard had arrived. Suddenly, my bed started to creak below me. I felt a breeze pass by the back of my head, and twirled around in fright, but alas, nothing was there.
Fifteen minutes passed by, and just about at the time when I was feeling a little safer, I heard a growl eminating from the closet. Terrified, I pulled the bed's covers up to my chest and shrieked. The closet door creaked open, and I listened in pure terror as the footsteps of a lumbering beast approached me. Slowly, the beast turned it's yellow eyes toward me, and at that moment, I knew I was a dead man.
Suddenly, the shot of a rifle rung out, and the beast slumped to its side. My life was spared - the guard had arrived.
Sweating profusely, I asked the guard, "Why didn't you arrive sooner? I almost lost my life!"
"Ah yes," the guard replied. "I could have arrived sooner... but, after all, that would be putting the guard before the horrors."
rogert2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a pun on putting The Cart before The Horse, combined with an older joke about Renee Descartes 'thinking not' and disappearing, because the pun is easier for people to understand.
I find that the "Descartes walks into a bar" version leaves the folks who don't know who Descartes is in the dust.
This way, the more uncomfortable they get with the depths you have to go to explain what is at its face a terrible joke, the better their relief when the punchline is just a pun.
My friend the college student went to the red light district in Amsterdam and told me he actually had an interesting discussion about philosophy with some of the ladies in one of the houses of entertainment there. I told him "so you were putting Descartes before the whores"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In a nut shell: My F150 was 1 year old when I bought it with 32,000kms on it. I sold it at 74,000kms. In that short time, it had $6000 in warranty work plus another $2000 in work from my own pocket just to keep it on the road. It was in the shop on a regular basis and I was lied to, cheated, stolen from by 3 separate Ford dealerships and Ford corporate. Even though it's painting with a broad brush, I now believe every person employed by Ford is a liar, a cheat, a thief and a hack with no integrity whatsoever.
There will never be another Ford vehicle or vehicle made by a brand even partially owned by Ford (eg Mazda) in our family again.
Two blondes are walking down a country road when they come across some tracks. The first blonde says "Oh look, deer tracks". The second blonde says "No no, don't be ridiculous. Those are obviously moose tracks".
A Florida blonde in a shoe store is dissatisfied with all of the shoes the salesman brings for her to try on. She asks for real alligator leather shoes. The salesman says, "If you want real alligator shoes, you'll have to go kill the alligator yourself!"
Salesman is driving home later and sees the blond wresting with an alligator. An epic battle and she is finally victorious and throws the alligator on top of a stack of dead alligators. "Damn" she says. "Another one without shoes."
Two blondes are walking down the sidewalk and find a mirror on the ground. One picks it up and looks in to it and says โhey this person looks familiarโ, the other blonde takes the mirror from her and looks in to it and says โyou dummy, itโs me!โ
A blonde woman was driving her car, listening to a talk show. The hosts were making blonde jokes and was making her angry. She's passing a field and sees another blonde sitting in a rowboat rowing for all she's worth.
The blonde driver slams on her brakes and pulls to the side of the road. She gets out, storms over the side of the field and yells angrily at the blonde in the boat, "Hey you in the boat!"
The blonde in the boat looks towards her and replies, "What?"
The first blonde answers, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad name and, if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
My friend is 47 and has very blonder hair. I made comment when she did something airhead and said I guess you must be a natural blonde. She didn't get it. She had never heard of the whole dumb blonde thing before
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were at the gynecologists office to find out the sex of their babies. The doctor came out and told them "Please tell me if you were on top or bottom during conception as this will help determine the sex of your baby down the line".
The brunette replies" On top". "Congratulations ma'am, you're having a boy".
The redhead replies "on bottom". "Congratulations, you're having a girl".
At this point the blonde is completely devastated and weeping. The doctor, startled, asks her "what's the matter, dear?" to which the blonde replies "I'm gonna have puppies!"
I've been laughing at this joke for at least three minutes now.
tammit67 ยท 695 points ยท Posted at 22:29:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is the famous musician Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Falkaane ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 00:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A hobbit is in a sporting goods store and he sees they have a door prize raffle where you buy a chance to win a really expensive looking three room tent for one penny. So he buys a ticket and wins the tent. Unbeknownst to him everyone who entered won because Sauron had just bought the company and was using all the stores across the country to distribute these tents that had been cursed to act as portals for his army of orcs to invade.
So he takes the tent home and decides he'll try it out. He spends the rest of the morning setting it up and when he's finally done he's exhausted. So he climbs inside and takes a nap. No sooner than he's asleep the portal opens and an orc comes through and just mauls the shit out of him. We're talking, eviscerated. There's little hobbit blood and guts splattered all over the tent. The orc realizes he wasn't supposed to come through yet and will get in trouble if he goes back, so he leaves the tent and hides in the hobbit's tool shed until it's attack time.
Well, the hobbit's wife eventually becomes concerned because it's unlike him to miss elevensies, and he sure as hell wouldn't miss lunch! So she goes out to check on him and finds this bloody nightmare of a scene in the tent in the backyard and calls the police. The hobbit police are there with their hobbit CSI crew, and they just can't make heads or tails of what happened. So they call on Gandalf for aid.
Gandalf shows up and investigates the scene. Eventually he comes out and follows the trail of blood to the toolshed. He and two officers come out with a rather embarrassed looking Orc in handcuffs. He knows he really fucked up now. The police inform Gandalf that a crowd of curious spectators has grown in the front yard, and they ask him to address the crowd and warn them of these dangerous portal tents.
As soon as the crowd sees him with the hobbit cops and the handcuffed orc in tow they all immediately start asking questions at once. Gandalf takes one question from a hobbit reporter who asks, "So what exactly happened here??" Gandalf, always one to word his answers carefully, takes a long drag from his pipe, thinks for a moment, and answers simply...
"Now is the winner of this discount tent made gory in slumber by this summoned orc."
Itโs a take off one of Shakespeareโs most famous lines โNow is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of Yorkโ (from Richard III)
Itโs a Tolkien joke and a Shakespeare joke, so if youโre not a literature nerd I definitely understand not getting it.
tammit67 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 06:08:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A king of a large kingdom is experiencing health problems. Wanting to extend his life, he consults a wise man about his situation
Wise man says "this is a common concern and the cure is expensive. What you need to do is buy a snake and once a year feed it a virgin. If it is a virgin, your health is guaranteed for the next year. If it is not a virgin though, you risk death".
King thinks it over and comes to the immoral decision to go ahead with it. He finds a snake wholesaler from South America and gets a specimen large enough to consume adults. He then locates a virgin and feeds it to the snake. Upon entering the snakes chambers, the snake quickly swallows the victim. The King however, experiences a heart episode shortly there after but manages to not fall to it.
Enraged, he says to his wise man "I thought this would work!?"
Wise man says "It does m'lord, she mustn't have been a virgin. Quickly we must find a virgin for the snake."
"Where will we find one?" Says the king.
"How about the monastery? These people are married to the lord and do not partake in earthly pleasures."
So they grab a woman from the convent and place her in front of the snake. Much to the King's dismay however, the snake does not eat her.
Frustrated, the King snaps, "Wise man, why does the snake refuse to eat!?"
"Worry not my liege, I know the issue. Go to your baker and acquire some rolls of bread. Hold them in your hand and the snake will devour the lady." The king does as he is instructed and the snake gobbles the poor woman. Astounded, the king ask "Why did the bread work?
To which the wise man replies
"Your anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, hun"
This Chinese family has just moved over to a new country. Mom, dad and their two kids, Ling and Ving.
They start to settle in and the two kids start going to school nearby. But kids being the cruel creatures they are, the other kids start making fun of their names. It doesn't bother Ling all that much, but it really really starts to get to Ving. So much that he seriously starts to consider getting his name changed.
So, Ving eventually decides that he wants to get his name changed to Lee and he asks his dad if they can go through with it. But his dad is dead set against the idea. Ving, discouraged by this, decides that he's going to go through with it regardless of his dad's opinion.
So Ling and Ving do the necessary research and discover that there's quite a hefty fee involved with getting an official name change done. So the two of them spend months doing various odd jobs just to raise money for this. Eventually they have everything they need.
So the fated day arrives. Ving is going to change his name to Lee and Ling is going along to the office of home affairs for moral support. Ving, being nervous as hell, asks Ling to hold the necessary money with him.
They're standing in the queue, getting closer and closer to the front. But as they're doing this, Ving is starting to have second thoughts because of his dad being against the idea. Just as he's about to change his mind, his dad bursts in the door and looks at Ling and Ving in the queue, Ling holding the money and their dad shouts.
"Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
I was working with my grandpa on a construction job and he says, "Hand me the wrench. You know, I call your grandmother a wench. You know why? She tightens my nuts."
Gross.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:53:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humour relies on saying things so incredibly horrible that you canโt believe it was said, to which the surprise of the comment in itself produced the humour.
I grew up with Italian neighbors living next door. They were straight off the boat. Couldn't ever telling if they were fighting or just having casual conversation.
During World War II, three Axis soldiers were captured and sent to a Russian prison camp: a German, a Japanese man, and an Italian.
The KGB wanted to question the German first, and he spat as they dragged him into the room: " You swine, I will never break! No matter what tortures you put me through!" But they tied him to a chair and torture him they did. To the German's credit, he held out for an entire day of the cruelest torture his captors could devise, but in the end he broke and told them everything.
Next the KGB wanted to question the Japanese fellow, and he swore to them as they dragged him into the room: "I swear by my honor, I will never break! No matter what tortures you put me through!" And he was the talk of the camp when he held out for three whole days of the KGB's most vicious work, but in the end he too broke and told them everything.
When they came for the Italian guy, he screamed and wailed like a child, begging his captors not to hurt him. He was dragged off to the interrogation center regardless. A day passed, and he did not emerge. Three days. Then a week. After two weeks the other prisoners assumed he had died. So when after a whole month, the KGB released a tattered, bleeding wreckage of a man back into the general population, the German rushed up to him and asked: "What happened? Did you break? What did you tell them?"
The Italian responded, "Paizano, I broke before they got me to the room. But I told them nothing."
The Japanese man asked "But how? They had you in there for a whole month!"
At which the Italian snapped and said "I would have told them anything they wanted! But how was I supposed to talk, with my arms strapped to the fanculo chair?!?!?"
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
How do you catch a polar bear?
First, you cut a big hole in the ice. Then, you take a can of peas and sprinkle them around the hole. Then, when the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.
One afternoon a teacher sent her class home with an assignment to have their parents tell them a story with a moral to it. The next morning in class she asked if anyone would like to share their story. Two dozen eager hands shot up and the teacher surveyed the room before choosing a girl in the front.
โOk, Sarah- letโs hear your story.โ
โWell,โ Sarah began, โmy family raises chickens, and one time our chickens had laid 6 eggs but when they hatched we only got 5 chicks.โ
โAnd what was the moral to that story?โ
โDonโt count your chickens before they hatch,โ Sarah answered!
โVery good,โ said the teacher. โWho else would like to share their story?โ
A small boy in the back raised his hand and the teacher called on him.
โMy family raises chickens too,โ said the boy, โbut we raise them for their eggs. One day we gathered all of our eggs in a basket and put them in the back of the truck to take them to market. On the way out truck hit a bump and all of the eggs fell out and broke!โ
โAnd what was the moral here,โ asked the teacher?
โDonโt put all of your eggs in one basket!โ
โWonderful,โ said the teacher. โWe have room for one more story- who has a good one?โ
She called on another boy, โok Johnny- tell us your story.โ
โMy dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in desert storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a machine gun, a machete, and a bottle of whiskey. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so t wouldnโt go to waste and when she landed there were 100 enemy soldiers waiting for her. She killed the first 80 with the machine gun before she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete before the blade broke off, then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.โ
The teacher was appalled and stammered, โw-well what did your father say was the moral of that story...โ
โStay the hell away from my aunt Becky when sheโs been drinking!โ
mirinly ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 22:46:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
Edit: okay this joke fails often but at least it makes me laugh
3 men are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. Some time goes by and the other 2 start to wonder why he's taking so long. They start looking for him in the woods, and lo and behold, he is found sitting with his pants around his ankles on a log, his bare ass hanging off the side, totally passed out from drinking so much. Rather than wake their friend, they decided to play a joke on him. They left, and returned with a bucket of the guts from the buck they shot. They dump the guts under their friend's bare ass and leave.
The next morning, they awake to their friend walking stiffly out of the woods. They snicker and ask what happened to him, and if he had a good shit. He responds:"Well, I passed out mid-shit, and when I woke up I realized I had shit all of my guts out. But by the grace of god and the help of a big stick, I got i all back in!"
Atryuki ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:33:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and sticky
DSV686 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke to my S/Os uncle. He said with a straight face "Shit" so definitively i couldn't keep myself from laughing and actually finishing the joke.
snnnnniiiiiiffffffffffff...oh yes my dear....sssnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff....quite pungent indeed...is that....dare I say....sssssssnniff...eggs I smell?......sniff sniff....hmmm...yes...quite so my darling....sniff....quite pungent eggs yes very much so .....ssssssssssssssnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiffffff....ah yes...and also....a hint of....sniff....cheese.....quite wet my dear....sniff...but of yes...this will do nicely....sniff.....please my dear....another if you please....nice a big now....
Oh yes...very good!....very sloppy and wet my dear....hmmmmm...is that a drop of nugget I see on the rim?...hmmmm.....let me.....let me just have a little taste before the sniff my darling.......hmmmmm....hmm..yes....that is a delicate bit of chocolate my dear....ah yes....let me guess...curry for dinner?....oh quite right I am....aren't I?....ok....time for sniff.....sssssnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff.....hmmm...hhhmmmmm I see...yes....yes indeed as well curry......hmmm....that fragrance is quite noticeable....yes.....onion and garlic chutney I take it my dear?.....hmmmmm....yes quite.....
Oh I was not expecting thatโฆthat little gust my dearโฆ.you caught me off guardโฆyesโฆso gentle it was thoughโฆhmmmmโฆlet me taste this little oneโฆjust one small sniffโฆ..sniffโฆahโฆ.ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffffffโฆand yetโฆso strongโฆyesโฆthe odorโฆ.sniff sniffโฆhmmmโฆ.is thatโฆ.sniffโฆ.hmmmโฆ.I can almost taste it my dearโฆ..yesโฆ.justโฆsniffโฆ.a little whiff more if you pleaseโฆ..ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffffโฆah yes I have it nowโฆ.yes quiteโฆ.hhhhmmmmโฆdelectable my dearโฆ..quite exquisite yesโฆ..I dare sayโฆsniffโฆ.the most pungent one yet my dearโฆ.ssssnnnnniiiifffffffffffffffffffffffโฆ.yesโฆ.
Bra sizes are easy they go from A to B to C to E to F to G to H to I to J to K to L to M to N to O to P to Q to R to S to T to U to V to Y and finally Z.
OMG. Never expected so much controversy. The punchline is not "The bra." The punchline is "The Z bra. A bra that is bigger than an A cup, B cup, C cup...and so on." You get my point, right? I thought it was funny. Geez, what's with all the whining. If you don't like it, that's okay.
I don't get what the nationalities have to do with anything. And what sort of prison shoots potential escapees? Couldn't you just rescind his yard time privileges?
They are in prison. The courtyard fence of the prison is less then 5m. It's a joke defying your expectation and simultaneously a life lesson about greed.
It doesn't work in text form as it lies mostly in the delivery and isn't all that funny to begin with.
A man was walking down a pier at night and noticed a man sitting alone at the end. He asked if everything was okay.
The man replied "no son it's not. You see that boat? I built that all by myself. You think people call me Billy the Boat Builder? Nope."
"I've sailed that boat all over the world for 30 years. You think I'm known as Billy the Boat Captain? Nope."
"But you fuck one goat..."
โBefore my dad died, we tried lots of alternative treatments to help with his illness. We even tried covering him in lard, but after that, he went downhill really quickly.โ
I tell that one in three parts. Part two: Two vultures are in the desert eating a dead clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Part three: Two muffins are in the desert eating a dead clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other replies, "AAAAAAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
My brother and husband LOVE this joke with the exception it's two sausages in a pan. I think it's the dumbest fucking joke ever, but they crack up EVERY time.
My dad told me I couldnโt get my license until I stopped thinking this joke is funny. But jokes on you, Dad! Iโve had my license for 13 years and this joke is still my favorite!
PolyUre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Man, I'm so baked."
amoyal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or you had an upset stomach, took Pepto Bismol, shit black and got concerned so you looked up what that means on the internet and found out you have colon cancer before your wife tells you that a pepto can make your poop turn black.
Best is when someone eats something with black frosting at halloween and the poop turns bright blue. The "black" food coloring is really dark blue, but it comes out fluorescent smurf.
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 21:38:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe you ate too many Oreos, yes, it can happen
A fully-seated airplane is sitting out the gate, waiting for the pilots to arrive. Everyone getting antsy and frustrated when finally the stewardess announces that they are on their way. Much to the confusion of everyone on board though, two men in pilot outfits stumble their way onto the plane, both wearing pitch black sunglasses and finding their way into the cockpit with white-tipped canes. Wondering if they are being pranked, the passengers nervously hold on to their seats as the plane sloppily and jerkily makes its way to the runway, with a lot of shouting back and forth heard muffled through the cockpit door. The plane starts taking of, picking up speed as it goes down the runway. The passengers seated near the front windows begin to see the end of the line in the distance, and to their horror, a deep lake. As the plane gets closer and closer without lifting off the ground they begin to scream and shout, and soon the entire plane is wailing in complete chaos. At what seems like the last possible moment, the plane lifts off into the air.
A little while later in the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one day they ain't gonna scream, and we're all gonna die."
Ysrxx ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Squirrel is minding its own business his tree when an Elephant begins to climb up into it, almost breaking the whole tree;
the Squirrel yells "stop that! Get off you're going to break my tree!"
The Elephant responds "I'm just climbing up to eat some bananas."
The Squirrel calls him a moron because this is an oak tree not a banana tree,
But the Elephant says "I know that! That's why I'm bringing my own bananas!"
_rake ยท 192 points ยท Posted at 20:33:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer has a sow that needs breeding. He makes an arrangement with a farmer on the other side of town who has a prize-winning male.
On the day of the 'appointment' the farmer goes out, throws a rope around his sow, drags her out of her pin and with about all the effort he can muster, heaves her up into the back of his pickup.
Across town, he's now standing by a fence with the other farmer while the most god-awful squealing and grunting is going on in the background.
"Well, it sounds good, but how am I going to know if she's pregnant?" The other farmer says "That's easy, tomorrow morning take a look at your sow, if she's layin' in the sun, it took, and if she's wallerin' in the mud, it didn't. So if it doesn't take, just bring her on back and we'll let old Brutus have another go at her."
So the man loads the sow up and heads home. The next morning, he looks out and there is the sow wallerin' around in the mud. So he finishes getting ready, eats his breakfast and heads out with the rope to load the pig back up into his truck. After dragging the pig out of the mud and up into the truck, not only is he exhausted, but he's filthy as well. Another hour or so of listening to hot pig lovin' and load the girl up and drag her back to his farm.
This goes on for a week straight. And every morning, there's his sow, wallerin' around in the mud.
Finally one morning as he's sitting there eating breakfast, he bleakly looks up at his wife and says "Hon, I can't bear to look anymore. Please check and tell me if that damn sow is in the mud or if she's finally up on the hill sunning herself."
His wife peers out the window for a bit and looks back at him. "Neither".
"Neither? What's that hog doing then?"
His wife replies "she's up in the cab of the truck honking the horn."
[deleted] ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 21:46:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
winja ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:26:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not everyone can appreciate a quality pig sex joke.
Yeah I was expecting some kind of twist like neighbors brother was banging the pig or something. Like the author made a point to have the farmers not watch the pigs go at it, which seemed like setup for something but it was pointless. They should have just watched the pigs.
Aezen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:28:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. This is your garden variety, stereotypical pirate, with the peg leg, eye patch, parrot on his shoulder, the whole works. The one thing thatโs off about this particular pirate is that heโs got a shipโs steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. Needless to say this guyโs getting a lot of funny looks as he waddles up to the bartender. โAaargh, matey, get me a milk,โ he growls. The tender responds, โYou got it, mister pirate. Say, why do you have that wheel in your pants?โ
The pirate replies, โAaargh, I dunno, but itโs driving me nuts!โ
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:01:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
siboshi ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 23:59:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife went into a coma and the doctor said "they're studies that giving oral have shown to wake the patient up" so I said "ok doc I'll give it a try". So 5 minutes later I come out and tell the doctor "doc it not working she's just choking"
I was getting a physical the other day, and the doctor told me I need to stop masturbating. Pause for effect "why?".
The doctor said "because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
Three men are captured by a Native American tribe during a war - a Pom, a Yank and an Aussie. The chief has them on their knees in front of the tribe awaiting their punishment. He says in his big chief voice โyou have all received the death penalty for your war crimes against our tribe, once you are dead we will use your skin for canoes. I will let you take your own life as an honor to your own countryโ...
He passes the Englishman a knife and says โany last words?โ In which the Englishman replies โgod save the queen!โ And pushes the knife into his heart and dies.
He passes the American a knife and says โany last words?โ In which the American replies โgod bless America!โ And pushes the knife into his heart and dies.
The chief passes the Australian the knife and says โany last words?โ In which the Aussie replies โyeah mateโ stabs himself 20 times all over his body and spits out his last words....... โthere goes ya fucken canoeโ
A young woman was driving back from spring break in Florida. Desperate to make it back to NC in time for classes, she found herself speeding through the wilds of rural Georgia. When the cop pulled her, she was doing 85 in a 45.
The cop, a typical large Georgia-grown specimen, moseyed his way up to her rolled-down window and drawled, โMaโam, NO ONE goes through mah state that fast.โ
Annoyed with the interruption, the woman looked at him and without thinking said, โOh yeah? Sherman did.โ
Anal sex is a lot like my first car. I didn't want it but my dad gave it to me anyway
skulldir ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 19:59:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man was driving down the road and he saw a grasshopper on the side of the road, and figured he would say hi. He did so and started to have a conversation with the grasshopper. The talk about the grasshoppers's family, home, and recently deceased grandfather. Although this is clearly the start of a new friendship the man says that he has to leave, and that he will talk to the grasshopper soon. But as he is leaving he says "You know there is a drink named after you" and the grasshopper replies, "There is a drink named Frank?".
fin
There is a woman on a beach with no arms and no legs and sheโs crying. A man walks by and says why are you crying. The woman says Iโve never been kissed before. The man picks her up gives her a kiss puts her down and starts to walk away when he hears her crying again. He turns back and says why are you crying now. She says, Iโve never been fucked before. So he picks her up and tosses her into the ocean and says. Ok now youโre fucked!
FeIIa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:32:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read the first sentence and the last two, and I fucking lost it
Eli5 of my job: I dig holes to install electric utilities.
When a homeowner or passerby asks what Iโm doing I always say โmaking a messโ.
Or when they ask if Iโve found any gold Iโll say yes and my crew member will punch me and give me a shifty look then Iโll change my answer to no.
Yeah, my favourite way to deliver this is by starting the first one with a deep breath in, and keep going until you canโt anymore, and then do the same the second time as if you were going to yell again, and just cut it off with a smooth โGo home Jerry, youโre drunkโ in a normal voice
Two biscuits are baking in an oven. The first biscuit says โMan, it sure is hot in hereโ.
The second biscuit says โOH MY GOD! A TALKING BISCUIT!!โ
Xystal ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 22:52:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexicans in a boat with a hole in the bottom?
What weighs 65 pounds is black and blue and has zero interest in sex? The 5th grader in my trunk. That's my go to "what is wrong with you?" joke, got it off of lovely reddit.
A friend of mine was showing off his new kilt, but instead of wearing a sporran on a chain in the traditional way, it was attached to the kilt via a belt. It was like a whole new take on the classic sporran, a neo-sporran if you will.
elcep ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:27:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm on the phone I'll say something like "Hey, before you go I got a question for you" and then immediately hang up.
9 out of 10 times I'll get them calling back saying we got disconnected... at which point I'll say "Yeah looks like we did, anyways, I was going to ask you" and then hang up immediately.
I got one person to switch phone carriers because he thought he had such shitty reception when really it was just me being an asshole.
I Intern at a big bank and I tell people that โ(bank name) actually gets rid of half of their internship resumes before even looking at them because they donโt want to hire unlucky peopleโ
โYouโre driving a bus and at the first stop, two people board the bus.
At stop number two, one person gets off the bus and three people get on.
At the next stop, two people get off the bus and one person gets on.
At the forth stop, five people get on the bus and three people get off the bus.
Whoโs driving the bus?โ
Admittedly, itโs more of a brain teaser than a joke, but no one to date has ever been able to tell me that, in fact, THEY are driving the bus. Props to my dad for telling me this one as kid.
mohlema ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:10:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
The best place to ask this is when you're looking at jelly/jam at the store with someone. I've only had the chance to do this once. I completely caught the person of guard and it was magical. Mostly because it was the most perfect timing, but also because I'm a chick.
I love him, I really like his chill music, and he really is such a funny guy.
I am going to San Diego for a bachelorette party in June and I suggested that we check out his wife's bakery and all the girls laughed at me and called me a loser haha it was pretty humorous actually.
Once I was trying to decide which jam I wanted in the grocery and someone came up and tried to tell me the joke but I just thought he actually wanted to know the answer so I told him that jelly is made from just fruit juice whereas jam is made from the whole fruit just crushed up and therefore less stiff than jelly. He kinda lost steam after that but still sorta dejectedly said the punch line. It was pretty weird.
I would have appreciated that you actually knew the answer but would have told you the joke anyway. I mean, it's kinda weird to tell that joke to a stranger in the grocery store, but if I was gonna do it, I'd commit.
Duck walks into a bar and says, โYou got any gwapes?โ
Bartender says, โNo.โ the duck thanks him and leaves
Next day the duck comes back and again asks, โYou got any gwapes?โ
Bartender answers, โ No we donโt have any grapes. This is a bar we donโt serve grapes.โ
Duck thanks him and leaves
Next day the Duck comes back and the Bartender has had enough and says, โLook here, Duck, we donโt have any grapes we will never have grapes. Now if you ask me for grapes again Iโm gonna staple your feet to the floor.โ
The Duck thinks for a minute and then asks โYou got any staples?โ
The Bartender says โNo.โ
The Duck then says โOh good. You got any gwapes?โ
Edit:I canโt spell good
molaupi ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 00:38:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โชAnd he waddled away, bum bum bum, till the very next day.โช
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:51:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ejeebs ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know I've heard that as a joke before I heard the Duck Song.
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.โ
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
The Polish were the go-to "boy are they stupid" targets of jokes from when I was growing up in the 70s. No idea why, but "Polack" jokes were abundant. I remember a magazine, Mad or Cracked or the like, saying we needed to make fun of a new group and declared all Polish jokes would from now on be about Paraguayans. It made just as much sense.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:16:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A drunk gets wasted at a bar and pukes on himself.
He laments to the bartender that his wife is going to kill him for going out and drinking too much again.
The bartender says, "Hey don't worry. Put a $20 bill in your shirt pocket. Tell your wife someone threw up on you and gave you the money for dry-cleaning. Works every time."
The drunk decides to try it out and heads home. His wife confronts him and goes crazy when she sees the vomit. "I knew it, you were out drinking again!"
"No, no, honey. A gentleman got sick on me on the subway and, look here, he gave me $20 to get my shirt dry-cleaned."
Wife, skeptical: "but there are two $20 bills here."
There are two cats. Their names are One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. They are walking and come to a river so they swim across. Which cat gets to the other side first?
Heard it slightly differently. I like shoving bangers (firecrackers) up frogs arses. Teacher says 'rectum Jimmy, rectum ' Jimmy says 'rectum miss? Blew them to fucking pieces more like!'
Two guys are sitting on the front porch in a communist nudist colony. One says to the other, "Have you read Marx?" and the other guy goes "Yeah, I think it's these wicker chairs."
Doctor comes into the room and the patient asks him what he found. Doctor says โIโve got bad news- you have cancer....-and Alzheimerโs.โ The patient thinks for a moment and replies โwell at least I donโt have cancerโ
Two polar bears, a mother and her cub, come to a river. The mother polar bear jumps in and swims to the other side. The cub follows. On the other side of the river, they shake the water out of their fur, and the cub says to its mother,
โHey, Mum!โ
โYes, son?โ
โAm I a grizzly bear?โ
โNo, son. Youโre a polar bear.โ
โOh, thanks, Mum.โ
They walk across the snow for a bit when they see another river with some ice on it. The mother swims across to the ice. The cub follows. On the ice, they shake the water out, and the cub says,
โHey, Mum!โ
โYes, son?โ
โAm I a brown bear?โ
โNo, son. Youโre a polar bear.โ
โOh! Thanks Mum.โ
The mother bear then sits by the edge of the ice and starts looking in the water for some food, a fish, a seal or whatever. The ice floats down the river. They see a narwhal and a grampus. They see a couple of orcas. The wind picks up, and then it begins to snow. After a while, the cub says,
โHey, Mum!โ
โYes, son?โ
โAm I a koala bear?โ
โNo, son. I told you, youโre a polar bear. Why do you keep asking this?โ
โBecause Iโm fucking freezing!โ
kjvlv ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:55:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is sitting at a bar and is depressed. The bartender asks him what is a matter.
"Well, last night I got so drunk I blew chunks." Said the man.
"Hey, don't worry about it . Lots of people get that drunk." Said the bartender.
"You don't get it, Chunks is my dog!" Replied the man.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
People ask me what I want to do after graduating with a music major, and I say โHopefully not starve.โ Always gets a laugh, but itโs pretty specific
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
"Nate, do accidents count?"
Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.
A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.
"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.
"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"
"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."
"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.
"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."
"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"
"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."
"And then he just died?" asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.
After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."
Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?
"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"
Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."
Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"
Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"
Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.
"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.
"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.
"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.
"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."
Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.
That story was so good, I knew it was gonna have a stupid ending like that (shaggy dog tale) but I didn't care. It was a great read. The joke doesn't even work in my accent (australian). We say lee-ver.
Thanks for the fun read!
aalamb ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:56:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bit late to the thread, but with the proper delivery, especially of the punchline, this seems to get a hearty laugh every time. I learned a slightly different version, but I'll tell it close to the original:
University of Georgia is playing Auburn in football. Winner wins the SEC, goes to the Sugar Bowl. 90,000 people in the stadium, game is on national TV. The pregame festivities commence, and the Georgia team charges on to the field, lead by their mascot, a bulldog named Uga. U-G-A, Uga.
Now, Uga does not realize he is on national TV, he's a dog. And as dogs often like to do, he... starts to lick his balls. He's only a dog.
Bubba and Earl are sitting in the stands. Bubba punches Earl in the arm, goes "Hey, Earl? Look at that dog. Dadgum, I wish I could do that". Earl turns to Bubba, says, "Bubba... That dog will bite you!"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:16:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So Jesus is up in Heaven with his Disciples and they are all saying that there is a big drugs problem down on Earth. However the only way they can agree on in order to come to a decision about what to do about this is to go down to Earth and try the drugs for themselves.
So Jesus sends them down and a few days later, they begin arriving back in Heaven.
There's a knock on the door.
Jesus: Who is it?
Matthew: It is Matthew
Jesus: And what have you brought with you?
Matthew: I have brought Weed from Amsterdam.
Jesus: Wonderful. Come in, my child.
There's another knock on the door.
Jesus asks again: Who is it?
Mark: It is Mark
Jesus asks what he has brought with him.
Mark says: I have brought Cocaine from Columbia.
Excellent, my son. Jesus replies. Enter.
There is a third knock on the door and yet again Jesus asks who it is.
Judas: It is Judas.
Jesus: And what have you brought with you?
Judas: FBI MOTHERFUCKERS! HANDS AGAINST THE WALL!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:20:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
So a blonde, brunette and a red head are running from the cops. While they're running they spot a barn off in the distance. Quickly, they dart in and try to find a place to hide so they don't get arrested and thrown in jail. The brunette hides in a horse stall, the red head takes cover in a pig pen, the blonde, in a panic, dives into a sack of potatoes.
The cop comes bursting through the barn door, looks around and proceeds to search the entire barn. First he approaches the horse stall, briefly looks inside and punches the gate. The Brunette, with quick thinking says: NEIGGGHHH. Just a horse, the cop thinks to himself. Next he comes up to the pig pen, nothing out of the ordinary but he give the pen a good shake. The Red head follows suit and squeals OIIIINK OINK OINK OINK!.
"Just as I thought, stupid pigs." The cop says.
Finally he gets to the back of the barn. After searching high and low he becomes visibly frustrated and angry he lost the criminals. The cop walks up to a sack of potatoes and gives it a great, big KICK.
The blonde, startled, screams: POTATOES, POTATOES, TALKIIIING POTATOES!!
sanguwan ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:59:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes aside, later on in the war, Pearl Harbor was destroyed again by accident. Mishap while handling explosives; broke the world record for the biggest explosion ever. :\
Useless, off topic โfactsโ aside, Iโm almost certain youโre thinking of the Halifax disaster in WWI which caused the biggest manmade explosion until the invention of nuclear weapons. There was the West Loch disaster but it certainly didnโt destroy Pearl Harbor.
I guess I was thinking of West Loch, but remembered it wrong. I was convinced that the harbor suffered extensive damage, but it seems I wasn't entirely correct.
Okay so thereโs this family going to play golf, right? So itโs the family, and theyโre at the golf course, and theyโre there playing golf, at the golf course, the family is, theyโre there playing golf, and the family is there playing golf and theyโre playing golf on the golf course together as a family and theyโre there at the golf course-ahhh nevermind you wouldnโt get it.
HullGuy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:48:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once got a blow job from a dentist. She had the whitest teeth Iโve ever come across.
ltc- ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:26:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
jondread ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:12:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I see two people doing something even a little bit out of the ordinary I say "I've seen porn that starts like this" which usually gets an amused response
Oh man this reminds me of the time that I came home after doing volunteer work for a special olympics event and my then boyfriend asked how it went and I said โI got silver!โ
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg-leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says โAy mate, youโve got a steering wheel on yer pants!โ, the pirate responds โArrr I know, itโs driving me nuts.โ
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are out camping when they decide to set up and call it a night.
In the middle of the night, Sherlock awakes and turns to John. He shakes him and says, "John, look up. What do you see?"
John, groggily replies, "There are hundreds of thousands of stars and the like up above..."
"And what do you deduce from that?" Sherlock asks.
"Well..." John begins. "It most likely means there are millions of undiscovered civilizations out there in the universe that we cannot even comprehend just yet, as well as technologies that will remain undiscovered for many years ahead..." he rambles on for a moment as Sherlock nods. When he finally finishes and turns to see why he had been asked, Sherlock laughs and says,
"Yes, but no, you idiot. It means someone stole our tent."
A Dalmation walks into a bar and takes a seat. He notices three horses sitting nearby, and decides to listen in.
"so i was in a race the other day, and i was in the lead by quite a bit. Just as i was getting close to the finish line, something but me in the ass! I panicked and ended up losing the race, and i have no idea what bit me!" the first horse says.
The second horse looks at him and says "holy shit, the same thing happened to me! I was in first place, got bit in the ass and lost!"
The third horse exclaimed that the same thing happened to him. The Damnation thinks for a moment, and decides he might know what's going on. He approaches the horses and says "excuse me, i overheard your conversation and i believe i know what happened."
The horses look at each other a moment.
"HOLY SHIT A TALKING DOG"
My delivery may be weak, as I am a weak little boy with sub-par joke skills. Also sorry if the formatting is shitty.
When a European dies, they can go to either European Heaven or European Hell.
In European Heaven; the English greet you, the French cook for you, the Italians provide the hospitality, and the Germans organize the whole thing.
In European Hell; the French greet you, the English cook for you, the Germans provide the hospitality, and the Italians organize the whole thing.
bus77 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:52:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man sees an ad in the paper for a talking dog and decides that he can't pass up the opportunity so he drives over to see the dog and possibly buy it. When he gets to the house he asks the owner if he can go talk to the dog. The owner says yes and the man goes back to the bedroom where the dog is. He says hi to the dog and the dog to his great surprise says hi back. He thinks to himself how is this possible but goes on and makes small talk and eventually asks how the dog got to where he is. The dog says Well I've been on some great journeys. When I was a pup I was trained as a police dog and I helped solve many crimes and won many medals. Then I was delployed in Afganistan where I was a bomb sniffer and saved many soldiers lives. I got depressed and I had to come back home. When I got home I became a seeing Seeing Eye dog for 3 different owners. After that I was ready to retire so that's how I ended up here.
The man goes back out to the owner beaming with excitement and says your dog is INCREDIBLE! Why in the world would you ever sell him? To which the owner replies "Yeah he's a pretty good dog and also a BIG FAT LIAR"
A man walks into a bar and sees meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender "Why is all that meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender says "Well, we got a bet going. If you can jump and hit any of those pieces of meat, you get your drinks paid for the entire night. If you miss though, you have to pay for everyone's drinks."
Then the bartender says "What do you think, you want to try it?"
The man says "I don't think so, the steaks are too high."
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."
POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."
POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family are among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
two olives are on a table. one rolls over to the edge, and falls off. the other frantically rolls to the edge, looks down, and shouts, โhey! are you okay??โ the one on the floor replies, โill live.โ
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants.
The bartender asks "What's that for?"
The pirate replies "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
A man and his giraffe go to the bar for a few drinks. After a few drinks the giraffe falls over and passes out. After a few more drinks the man gets up to leave, and the bartender says to him "hey, you can't leave that lyin' there." The man says back, "it's not a lion mate, it's a giraffe!"
Sempuh ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:40:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three old ladies are sitting on porch. The first lady puts out her hand and says "My husband got me this ring for our wedding anniversary. It's a 10 carat diamond." The second lady is oooh-ing and ahh-ing and the third says "Oh my, how nice."
Second lady says, "My husband took me on a trip to an Italian villa for a month." First lady oooohs and ahhs, while the third lady just says, "Oh my, how nice."
Things go quiet for a bit, and the first two ladies ask the third what her husband did for their anniversary. "My husband sent me to charm school."
First two ladies are confused. They ask her incredulously why he would do that. Third lady says, "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you'. But since I went to charm school, I say 'Oh my, how nice'."
Pzam56 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:05:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT DO WE WANT!? AIRPLANE NOISES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? NEEEOOOOOWWWWWW (airplane sound)
GWAPPOW ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:14:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three hobos were sitting around the fire asking how each otherโs day went. One hobo talks about how he found a woman tied to the train tracks. He talks about how he untied her and got laid. Another hobo asks โdid you get any head?โ, to which the other hobo replies โno, I couldnโt find itโ.
This joke NEVeR fails with men, dads and particularly husbands. I have no idea who I stole it from, and who they stole it from, but I hope my version is fresh enough. If you know the original, let me know.
So a man goes to sit down on his plane ride. As he goes to sit down, he notices the man he is sitting beside has a black eye.
"Hey! You have a black eye, so do I!"
"Yeah, I got it from a slip-of-the-tongue , kind of a misunderstanding."
"Oh my god, I got my black eye from a slip-of-the-tongue aswell! What did you say?"
"Ahh, well I was in line to purchase a ticket for this flight to Pittsburg. The lady at the counter had large breasts and when I approached her I accidentally asked for a 'picket to titts-burg' and she sock'd me in the eye."
"Yes, mine was quite the same! There I was at the breakfast table with my wife, and instead of saying 'pass the orange juice', I said, 'You ruined my life, you fucking bitch."
A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for thirty-five years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."
The old man starts to cry again, "But you screw one goat."
How do you catch a polar bear? You go up North where the polar bears live, cut a hole in the ice, and spread out a can of peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
Two cows are standing in a field.
โDo you ever worry about mad cow disease?โ asks the first cow.
โWhy would I worry about that?โ says the other cow. โIโm a helicopter!โ
"To join our secret society, you need to pass a test. Go out there and kill 6 random people and also a kitty."
"It's terrible! I can't do this! The kitty has done nothing wrong!"
"Congratulations, you are accepted"
Two cows are standing in a field, one says to the other โdid you hear about this mad cow disease?โ
The other replies โoh it doesnโt affect me, Iโm a tractorโ
This boy wants to take this girl to prom. He decides to go to the flower shop and buy her a bouquet of roses. When he gets there, he sees that there is a long line. He waits and waits and eventually gets the roses.
He goes to school and asks the girl to prom. She says yes! He now goes to the school office to buy tickets for prom. There he sees a long line to buy the tickets. He waits and waits and eventually gets the tickets.
The boy needs to get a tuxedo for prom night. He goes to the tux rental shop and sees that there's a long line. He waits and waits and eventually gets his tuxedo.
It's prom night now and the boy and girl arrive at the venue. Once arriving, they notice that there is a long line to get into the building. They wait and wait until eventually they are inside and head to the dance floor.
The girl is now thirst and asks the boy to get her a drink. The boy heads to the punch table and sees there's no punchline.
Heisenberg, Schrรถdinger and Ohm are driving to a conference when they're being stopped by a police officer. As the officer walks up to the window he asks Heisenberg: 'Did you know you were doing 60 in a 45 zone?' 'Great', Heisenberg replies, 'now I'm lost!'
The police officer things this answer is a bit suspicious, so he ask them to open the car's trunk. 'Did you know you have a dead cat in here?' he asks them. 'Well, now we do!' says Schrรถdinger. The police officer decides to move to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Also: Newton, Leibniz and Pascal are playing hide and seek. While Leibniz counts, Pascal quickly runs and hides. Newton however just stands behind Leibniz and calmly draws a square around himself of 1 by 1 meter. As Leibniz finishes counting and turns around he says: "I've found you Newton!" to which Newton replies: "No, no, you've found 1 Newton per square meter, which means you've found 1 Pascal!"
wrycon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:36:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a library and says, โI Want a Cheeseburger.โ
The confused librarian frowns and replies, โSir... this is a library.โ
โOh, Sorryโ, he says, bends down and whispers * i want a cheeseburger... *
Not a joke on its own, but whenever I laugh at my own joke I say, โI crack me up. Thatโs why I donโt need friends!โ It gets a โHEY! Hahahaโ every time from whoever Iโm around.
You need two other people around for this one ( I know thatโs a stretch for some of us). Iโm going to call the friends Kyle and Brian.
Kyle, Brian and I die and are standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter is welcoming us to heaven and says โ welcome to heaven. You can do whatever you like. The only rule is, you canโt kill any ducks. โ
So Brian is down by the lake skipping stones, and one pops up and hit a duck and kills it. An angel shows up with a terrible, smelly, disgusting ogre woman and handcuffs him to Brian.
Later Iโm out climbing a tree. I step on a branch and it falls hard towards the ground. It obviously lands on a duck and kills it. Another angel brings an even uglier, more terrible ogre and handcuffs her to me. โYou know the rules man.โ
So Brian and I are walking around super bummed out about our ogres when we run into Kyle. Kyle has the most beautiful woman I have ever seen handcuffed to him. Brian and I scream at him in jealousy โ what the fuck man!?! Howโd you get stuck with such a hot one.
The woman replies โ I killed a duck.โ
Never-fail has different definitions to different people. My never-fail joke is one I heard right here on Reddit!
"Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70? Because she always gets a frog caught in her throat at 69!"
Obviously, that joke will fail a LOT. However, it tells you a lot about a person, too! Did they laugh heartily? Chuckle? Have a worried expression? Did it take them a minute? Were they disgusted?
To me, a good joke is like a litmus-test for deeper conversation. Will your way of conveying information mesh with theirs, or is one of you too crass for that kind of talk? Humor says much about a person. It'll never fail to get me information about the person.
I have had this conversation thousands upon thousands of times.
I have an unusually long last name, 13 letters, literally the length of half the alphabet. Anytime I do anything administrative I have to spell out my last name to somebody.
Them: Last name?
Me: Okay, it's really long, xyxyxyxyxyxyxyxyx
Them: Wow! you weren't joking. That must have been a tough one growing up.
Me: Yeah they thought I was a genius in Kindergarten because I could spell it.
It's not that funny of a joke but get's a laugh every time.
Well kindergartners aren't exactly known for their ability to spell words correctly. So normally it would be impressive for a kindergartner to spell a 13 letter word correctly. Except what makes it a joke/funny, is that it would be normal/expected for a kindergartner to be able to spell their own name. So being able to spell your own name doesn't mean you're a genius, it just means you're normal.
Note, xyxyxyxyxyxyxyxyx isn't actually their last name, they just used that as an example because they didn't want to give their real last name.
Hey man. I didn't say it was a good joke. I'm not OP. You just said you didn't get it, so I tried to explain it to you to be helpful. You don't have to tell me it's not a joke.
My last name has 12. The amount of times I've had to spell/pronounce it has to be in the thousands. Cashiers, teachers, classmates, random people I dont even know who saw my name. Any time it was roll call and there was a pause I knew they'd come to my name and already had my hand up
Somebody who can relate! haha the roll call sitution you explained is so dead on. Once I hear that pause I know it's me and before they even have a chance to butcher my name I will just say here before they finish my name.
My first name has 5 and I still have to spell and pronounce it to everyone I meet.
adcas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My last name has seven but it's German and it's either 1. mispronounced or 2. Misspelled horribly.
Only one teacher ever pronounced it correctly the first time, and that's because he'd literally just come from the city my family ruled over. (I'm still jealous, I've never been there.)
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
My last name is only 9 letters - Daugherty - and you'd think people could sound it out, but nope. I get Daughtry, Daughtery, Dautrive, Dockerty, all manner of stupid shit.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:43:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
nikisux ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:33:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a similar joke to this: so I was flirting with this Jewish girl. Things where going well and she asked for my number but I told her we used names here
Latvian mothers are do urine shot, brag of sons.
First mother is: "my son is soldier people's army of soviet socialist republic Latvia, he rape as many women as he want! For him, life is good."
Second mother is: "no no no! MY SON is polit-buro glorious soviet socialist republic Latvia, he eat as many potato as he want! For him, life is good!"
Mother first and two look to mother third, expecting. Mother third is take urine shot, and say: "my son is dead. For him, struggle over."
Whenever I screw up simple counting and someone notices I'll counter with "I mean, I can't count to yellow, so I don't know what you're expecting of me". Gets them every time.
Whenever my Spanish speaking coworker says something that might not make sense in English she says "whatever, I don't know geography" and it cracks us up
A lady gives her identical twin sons up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal. One goes to a Spanish family and is named Juan.
Years later, the lady has a new partner and a new life, but she wants to get in touch with her sons. She writes to them both. Juan sends a nice letter and a photo of himself, and the mother is very pleased with this but she laments to her new husband that she hasnโt heard from her second twin. Partner says,
โDonโt worry, love. If youโve seen Juan, youโve seen Amal.โ
Carl dies and is taken to the morgue. In order to ID him the Coroner needs a person that knew him to come verify his identity. So he calls his two best friends, John and Jerry.
He takes John back and ask โso is this Carl?โ
John : โTurn him over and Iโll tell youโ
He thinks itโs weird but rolls him over.
John takes a look and says โnope, that ainโt him.โ
So he brings Jerry back and ask the same thing.
Jerry: โ turn him over and Iโll tell you.โ
He turns him over and Jerry looks and says โnope.โ
At this point the coroner is confused and asked Jerry โhow could you tell if it was Carl by looking at his back?โ
Jerry says โ easy doc, he only has one asshole. Carl had two.โ
The coroner says โhow could he possibly have two anuses and how would you even know he did?โ
Jerry: โ well, every time we came in town with him people always said โHere come Carl with those two assholes.โโ
So there's this penguin right? He decides that it's way too cold at the North Pole, so he's gonna take a road trip down where it's warmer. He starts driving and by the time he's in California his car breaks down. He takes it to a mechanic who tells him he'll take a look, it'll be a minute. The penguin now realises how hot it is outside and goes across the street for an ice cream cone, he eats it on the way back and finds the mechanic looking at his car.
"Looks like you blew a seal"
"Oh no it's just some ice cream."
*wipe your mouth while you deliver the punch line for best results.
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving in a car. Suddenly, they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to open the trunk. He checks the trunk and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now!" shouts Schrodinger, irritated. The cop decides to arrest them. Ohm resists.
A1PB ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:10:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a jailor and a jewler?
Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Screw it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."
The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.
As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays with the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.
Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly pees his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!"
And whole tent erupts into fits of laughter at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny, who is red-faced with anger and embarrassment. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on that clown.
As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the him. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!
The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.
INSULT SCHOOL
Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!
'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.
Every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works to achieve his goal.
Then his day arrives...
As soon as the circus opens its gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's an angry young man hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.
He sees all the regular attractions, but they hold no pleasure for him anymore. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's now so nervous and excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...
The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited an entire year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. As luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!"
And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hatred on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks directly at the clown and says...
A florida man wakes up to find a penguin sitting on his front lawn. Confused, the man puts the penguin in his car and drives around wondering what he should do with the penguin. A police officer notices the penguin in the front seat and pulls this man over.
โSir, what are you doing with this penguin in your car?โ. The man says, โIm not really sure what to do with him. I found him on my front lawn this morning.โ The officer replys, โWell youโre going to need to bring him to the zoo.โ The man looks relieved and says, โthank you officer, ill get on that right away.โ
A few hours later the officer pulls this man over again with the penguin still in the car. The officer asks, โWhy didnt you bring the penguin to the zoo like I told you!?โ The man replys, โI did bring him to the zoo! Now were going to the beach!โ
I had sex with a guy in a parking garage elevator once. We had fun, but it was wrong on so many levels.
As it turns out, he worked for the coal industry. Yeah, I got busted for having relations with a miner.
After my hearing, I got on the bus for home on Sesame St. At the next stop after I got on, the driver picked up two rather hefty men, both named Patrick, who preferred the Irish diminutive version of their shared name. At the stop after that, he picked up Ross, who attended a nearby school for children with learning disabilities. Next was the town drunk, Mr. Lettucini, who sat down, took off his shoes and socks and started picking at his bunions.
The Port Authority must have missed me, because all the manifest for that day said was "two obese Paddys, special Ross and Lettucini picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus."
Well, I can't say it never fails...And I'm still not allowed within 20 yards of a coal mine.
A lady gets on the train with her infant. A drunk passenger yells, "Hey lady, that's the ugliest baby I've seen in my life!"
The lady goes, "Well I never! Conductor!"
The conductor comes over and throws the drunk off the train. "Madam, I want to say I'm sorry and I hope you know we don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Now, how about to make up for it I go and see if I can't find a banana for your monkey?"
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? Rough.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy goes in for a physical and the doctor says, "you should probably stop masturbating." The guy says "really... why would I need to stop masturbating?"
Doctor says "cuz I'm trying to give you a fuckin' physical here, man."
mwason ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this probably won't be seen, but I always have to share this joke when I can.
Sherlock and John Watson go camping in the forest. They set up a tent, start a fire, then a little while later they head to bed. A couple hours later Sherlock wakes up and looks around. He then proceeds to wake John up.
When John wakes up Sherlock says ,"John, look up and tell me what you see". John does as Sherlock asked and said, "I see millions of stars". Sherlock then says, "and what can you deduce from that?"
"Well", John replies, "If there are millions of stars, there could also be millions of planets. If space is constantly expanding, meaning that more and more planets and stars are being created, it is possible that at least one of those planets is like Earth. Sherlock looks at John for a couple seconds then says, "No Watson you idiot. I means somone stole out tent."
Boudreaux sends Thibodeaux to buy a bull. He goes to Montana and finds a perfect bull, so he heads to the telegram station to let Boudreaux know to come pick it up. The station operator tells him itโs gonna be 25 cents per word. Thibodeaux only has 25 cents on him, so he tells the operator to write โcomfortableโ
The operator looked at him puzzlingly and said โcomfortable?โ
Thibodeaux tells him that Boudreaux canโt read well, so heโs gonna see it and say com-for-te-ble (come for the bull in a Cajun accent)
Fidel Castro passes away and finds himself at the pearly gates. So he strides past the Myriad of souls awaiting judgment, and tells St Peter
"I'm so glad to be finally be here, mind sending things up to my villa?" Drops his bags and wanders into heaven
Confused, St Peter does a double take, then consults his list. When it dawns on him who just went in, he chuckles and slams his book shut. With that, rhe clouds open up around Castro feet, sending him crashing straight down towards hell.
When he arives, the Satan himself is there to greet him. With a warm smile, he puts his arm around Castro shoulder and says "Castro, what a pleasure, I've waited so long to finally meet you, I have the finest Villa for you, but first, let me give you a tour of my domain!" He snaps hit fingers and two demonic porters appear to take his bags, only to discover he had left them in heaven. Satan sends them up to retrieve the luggage, and they set off on the grand tour of hell.
When the demons arive at the pearly gates, they of course find them barred. Not wanting to dissapoint their unholy master, they start climbing the walls to retrieve the lost baggage.
A Couple of angels spot them climbing and one says to the other, "Jesus! he's
Only been down there for an hour, and we're already getting refugees!"
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late
and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating
lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, and we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothing like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Thereโs these two windmills standing in a field.
One says to the other โwhat kind of music are you into?โ
The other replies โIโm a big metal fanโ
So a guy walks into a bar, and he sits down at the counter next to a burly gentleman in a suit. The suited fellow takes a shot, yells, "I can't take this anymore!" and jumps out the third-story window. The guy walks over to the window, but there's nothing down on the sidewalk.
As he turns back to the counter, he sees the same burly gentleman sit down and order another shot. As he returns to his seat, baffled, the gentleman slams another shot, yells, "I can't take this anymore!" and jumps through the same window.
Shocked and confused, the guy notices the same gentleman once again walk through the door and order a shot. He tells the bartender, "I'll take whatever he's drinking," swallows the shot, and then jumps out the window. He falls three stories to his death.
The bartender turns to the gentleman and says, "Jeez, Superman, you're a mean drunk."
A bus full of catholic school girls driven by a nun crashes off a bridge and into the river drowning them all. As they get to the Pearly Gates a man appears before them:
"Hello I'm St. Peter. I'm sorry you're all dead, so we'll make this quick and get you into heaven. The trick is you need to purify yourself before you enter so please line up."
The nun is first in line so St Peter asks her "Sister, have you ever touch the genitals of a man?"
The nun gasps "Why never I'm married to God and the Church."
St. Peter says "Alright I believe you, please enter."
The first girl, Sarah, approached and St. Peter asks her the same question. Sarah turns red and giggles "Well just with my finger."
St Peter goes into his desk and pulls out a basin with water and says to her "Sarah dip your finger in here and be purified". She dips her finger and enters the gates.
The next girl comes up and St Peter asks her the same question. She turns red and says "well I used my whole hand". So she dips her whole hand in and enters the gates.
Suddenly there's a loud commotion towards the end of the line as a girl storms to the front.
St Peter says "what's with all this commotion? Why are you skipping ahead?"
The girl looks him in the eye and says "If I have to gargle that shit I want to do it before Brittany sticks her ass in it"
3 men die and are sent to heaven where they meet God at the gates.
God asks "How did you all die?"
The first guy responds "Well, I left for work that morning and I had the strangest feeling that my wife was cheating on me. So whipped the car around, went back to our apartment, and found her naked with some mens cloths on the floor that were not mine. I searched all over the damn house but I couldn't find anyone else. I became so infuriated that I threw ny fridge out the window, which caused me to have a heart attack and die."
Then second guy responds "Well now it makes sense. I was walking down to the pharmacy and out of nowhere, this big ass fridge lands on me."
The third guy responds "I was in the fucking fridge..."
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and says "Book."
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book."
So she give a chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but comes back again an hour later.
"Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she is curious as to how the chicken is reading the books so fast. She decides that next time the chicken comes in, she'll follow it and find out what is going on.
An hour later, the chicken walks in and says "Book-book-book-book".
So the librarian gives the chicken four books and quietly follows the chicken out of the library. The chicken crosses the road, goes down the alley, out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and sat there, on the edge of the swamp, is a bull frog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit...Reddit..."
(this is the one that stuck with me from a previous thread. So kudos to whoever came up with it!)
One dark, rainy night President Trump is returning from a campaign rally at a small, backwater town in his limousine, when all of a sudden there is a loud "BANG" and the vehicle stops.
He sends his driver out to investigate, who presently returns, declaring "Sir, it seems we've hit a farm sow and it's bleeding out." Donald gazes at the dimly, flickering lights of the nearby homestead and reluctantly bids his driver to go, give the peasants a knock and explain the situation. After all these are decent God-fearing Americans, whose every vote he relies on, if he wants to get re-elected.
After sending out a tweet, Donald realises that 20 minutes have past and his driver hasn't returned. The minutes turn to an hour and Donald is getting visibly frustrated. He repeatedly shouts at the satellite stream of Fox and friends, to no avail.
Finally, after 2 hours the limo door is swung open and his driver, with an expression of exaltation, takes a seat next to him. His shirt ripped to shreds, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and puffing on a Cuban cigar, he puts his arm around Donald. Taken aback, by his driver's insolence, Trump asks: "what the hell happened to YOU?!"
In a slurred and confused voice the driver says: "I really don't know... when I explained what happened out here, the farmer's wife started hugging me and proceeded to dish up their most exquisite foods, her husband got out their finest bottle of scotch, a-a-and to top everything off, their daughter made wild love to me. Then the farmer send me on my way with this cigar.
Flabbergasted, Trump looks at his driver and asks: "what on earth, exactly did you tell them?"
"I said, I am the driver of president Donald Trump and I have killed the pig!"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:04:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I decided to spend and evening with my grandad the other day. There was a soccer game Germany-Austria, I wanted to watch it and told my grandad if heโs ok with it, he said yeah all fine , and asks me whoโs playing, I say โGermany-Austriaโ he replies โAgainst who?โ
My friend Kevin was over at my house the other day, and we were stood in the garden chatting and having a beer. I went to the bathroom and when I got back I saw he had picked up a shovel and started digging a hole and filling it up with the hose. I asked him what the fuck he was doing and he told me he was trying to dig one of those big holes with water in it. Bless him, he means well.
A father and mother since they arenโt having enough sex decide that tonight at the dinner table the wife will excuse herself and go to their bedroom. Then the father will tell the kids heโs going to check up on her so they can have a quickie.
So, in the middle of the meal the mom says sheโs not feeling well and she canโt finish her meal. The father says โsure, why donโt you go to your room , Iโll be right in to check on you โ.
The mother goes to her room and the dad follows after a few minutes.
So the kids are sitting there waiting for dad to come back. After 10 minutes the eldest says heโs going to go take a peek.
He comes back and tells the others:
โQuick, finish your food otherwise Dad will fuck youโ.
One day big Benny went ship sailing alone to the far reaches of the Atlantic.
At night, a big storm sets him off course and he ends up in an unknown remote island.
Benny encounters a local tribe with everyone having big beards. Now these guys are savages, but they worship beards and start worshiping Benny owning to his huge beard.
Days go by in Benny's new divine life until he gets urges to shave off his beard as it starts to get irritating.
The local tribesmen advise him against it warning him of great dangers that await him should he wish to shave off his beard.
Unable to go on, Benny ignores their warnings and decides to shave his beard. And thus, Benny seated at the tribal commonplace starts shaving his beard with a knife.
As soon as the last hair is chopped off, a large storm comes out off nowhere and as it passes away only a vase remains in Benny's place.
It is then the tribal people mutter to themselves the age-old saying that has guided generations "A benny shaved is a benny urned"
SuzLouA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:04:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My first language is not english, so sorry in advance for any spelling mistakes or anything
The heroinist goes fishing. After awhile he catches a gold fish, who says to him "Hey addict, let me go, and ill grant you a wish!". The addict thinks a bit and says "Alright, you know what? i let you go, but first lets shoot one!". And so they shoot one up, and he lets the fish go.
The very next day the addict goes fishing again, and again he catches the very same gold fish. The fish says just like the day before: "Hey addict, let me go, and i grant you a wish!". The addict thinks about it and says "Alright, you know what? i let you go, but first lets shoot one!". And they do so, and after the heroin, he lets the fish go.
The very next day, the addict goees fishing once again, but before he couls catch anythin, the gold fish comes up to him and says "Hey, addict you wanna shoot one?"
You know how some birds fly in a V shape when immigrating, right?
But do you know why the other side of the V is always longer than the other?
Well, it has more birds.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:20:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the retards house. Knock knock whos there? The chicken
Three nuns are waiting to get into heaven.
Before they can enter the gates, they must correctly answer a question from Saint Peter.
The first nun steps up and Saint Peter asks, "Who was the first man on the planet?" The nun responds, " Oh, that's an easy one, Adam!"
Ding ding ding, you are correct!
The second nun steps up and Saint Peter asks, "Who was the first woman on the planet?" "That's an easy one as well, Eve!" Responds the nun.
Ding ding ding, correct you may enter!
The final nun steps up and Saint Peter asks, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The nun looks down for a second and says, "Damn, that's a hard one.."
Ding ding ding, correct you may enter!
This has to be told in context when discussing, ehem, eating ass. There is usually one guy in the group who goes on about how he would never toss salad. This is where you swoop in to save the day.
โYou donโt eat ass?โ- you
โNo. Never!โ - target
โHave you ever eaten pussy drunk?โ- you
โWell, yeah...โ- target
A rabbi and a priest are participating in shared sunday school classes. The school building catches fire and is going fast. The priest and the rabbi run for the door. The priest shouts "what about the children!!" The rabbi yells, "Fuck the children!" Then the priest yells back, "Do we have time??"
pairsy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:16:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two monkeys get in the bath, one says to the other
โOoh ooh ooh ahh ahh,โ
โPut some cold in thenโ.
killgo_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:19:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!" -
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. -
Doctor: Your test results came in, you only have 24 hours to live.
Man: that horrible! how can it get worse??
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
thaomen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:31:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A letter to an Agony Aunt column:
Dear Dierdre,
I walked into my bathroom the other day and out of the window I noticed my neighbor's 21 year old daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. I took my chance to take in the sight and before I knew it I had my trousers around my ankles and was masturbating to her. I was very careful to make sure she couldn't see me. I was near climax when I heard a slight noise behind me, and when I looked my wife was standing right there with a strange look on her face, arms folded and staring intensely as she watched me masturbating to the neighbour's daughter.
This is a musician's joke I heard during an interview of a famous musician, but I can't recall who.
The definition of "Perfect Pitch" - when you throw an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the rim, and it lands on a banjo.
tobiasj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:56:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man on his porch sees a boy was coming up the road with a roll of chicken wire. The old man yells down " son, what are you planning on doing with all that chicken wire"? "I'm gonna go catch me some chickens!" the boy replies. "Damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" the old man shouts, but sure enough later that evening the boy walks by with a dozen chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next day, the old man sees the boy walking up the road with a roll of duct tape. "Whatcha doin with that roll if duct tape" he yells. "Well", the boy replies, " I'm gonna use it to catch me some ducks". The old man, bent over with laughter, says to the boy,"you idiot! you can't catch ducks with duct tape"! But sure enough later that evening the boy is walking home with a dozen ducks all wound up in the duct tape.
The next day, the boy comes walking up the road, carrying an armful of pussy Willow. The old man looks down at the boy and shouts "wait up while I get my coat"!
MooMod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:03:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to his therapist complaining that he's not getting enough sleep because he keeps having crazy dreams.
"One night I dream that I'm a Wigwam, and the next night I dream that I am a Tipi!"
The therapist just looks at him and says "Relax, you're two tents"
A man is lost in the woods for several days, hungry and tired. One day, he stumbles across a large, ancient, stereotypical Chinese tower. Relieved, the man knocks on the door, and waits. An ancient Chinese man answers the door and looks up at the man. The man says "Sir, I've been lost in the woods for many days, please let me come in, regain my bearings and I'll leave in the morning, no trouble!" to which the Ancient Chinese man says "My daughter and I have lived here in this tower together for many years and have helped many lost travellers. You may stay the night, however if you touch my daughter in any way, I will inflict upon you the three worst ancient Chinese tortures that I know". The man agree's enthusiastically, thinking the daughter must be nearly as old as the man, and enters the tower.
At dinner, the traveler is shocked to see a stunningly gorgeous 18 year old Chinese woman come down the stairs and join the old man and the traveler at the table. All throughout dinner the daughter flirts and jokes with the traveler, who remains distant and closed off under the watchful eye of the old man.
Later that night, the daughter joins the traveler in his bedroom and they make passionate love, and the daughter leaves, the old man none the wiser.
In the morning, the traveler awakens with a gigantic pressure on his chest. He looks around himself and see's a large rock on his chest.
On the rock is a sign stating "Ancient Chinese Torture #1: Large Rock on Chest." Chuckling, the man lifts the rock off his chest, carries it to the window and tosses it out.
On the windowsill, is a second sign, "Ancient Chinese Torture #2: Large Rock Tied to Right Testicle."
Panicked, the man jumps out the window, and on the way down he reads a sign on the ground saying, "Ancient Chinese Torture #3: Left Testicle tied to bedframe.
I remember in middle school I had a friend who would tell brick jokes, which are a lot of fun but take literally hours to tell. First you say:
There was once a donut that lived on a boat (just go with it). One day, the donut asked the captain, โCaptain, may I drive the boat?โ Now of course donuts donโt have thumbs and theyโre too short to reach the controls, not to mention this particular donut wasnโt very bright. So the captain said, โNo, you may not drive the boat.โ
The next day the donut again said, โCaptain, may I drive the boat?โ And the captain said, โNo, you may not drive the boat.โ
This went on for some time until one day, the captain had not had a very good day, so when the donut asked his daily question, the captain exploded, โNo, you stupid donut, you cannot drive the boat! You can never drive the boat! Why donโt you just jump overboard since you canโt seem to understand that!โ So he did.
Then wait an hour or two, or longer, and tell a โdifferentโ joke:
A man decided he wanted to propose to his girlfriend, so he booked them a romantic cruise. He planned to propose on board, but he accidentally dropped the ring overboard while he was practicing what to say.
A couple years later he saved up enough money for a second romantic cruise and a new ring. He made sure to practice his speech indoors and away from the edge of the ship deck and eventually decided to propose after a seafood dinner. He ordered lobster; she, oysters. When the food came, she opened her first oyster to seeโฆ
Your audience will say, โThe ring!!โ and thatโs when you chime in with, โNo, the donut!!โ
Out in the forest, a bear and a rabbit both stop to take a shit in the same area. Making small talk, the bear asks the rabbit, โ do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?โ
Rabbit replies, โno, canโt say as I do.โ
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
A college student goes away on spring break, and asks his little brother to watch his cat for him while he's away.
On his second day out of town, he calls home, and the little brother answers. He asks, "How's my cat?" The little brother says, "Your cat's dead." The big brother says, "WHAT???" The little brother says, "Yeah, your cat's dead. Got hit by a car."
The big brother says, "You can't just drop news like that on someone! You have to ease someone into that. Like, today, you could have said something like, the cat's on the roof and we can't get her down. Then the next time I called, you could have said something like, the cat jumped down, but got hurt pretty badly. She's at the vet. Then the next time I called, you could have said the cat didn't make it. You have to break news like this gently!" The little brother said, "Okay, I get it."
The big brother says, "I don't even wanna talk to you anymore. Put mom on the phone." The little brother pauses and says, "Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down."
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
'A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
'I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
'Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
'Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
'Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
'Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
'Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
'Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
'Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'.
Then he died.
allsix ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:42:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says 'Hey dad can I have 20 bucks?'
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her unborn child have in common?
They both think "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 21:18:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever Iโm speaking with someone and they canโt hear me and answer with, โwhat?โ.... I always answer with, โI said homosexuals are hard of hearing.โ
'Me, Donald Trump, and u/Globymike were walking down the road when The Donald spots a donkey with its head caught in a fence. He immediately runs down to it, takes off his pants and starts fucking it in the ass! He's really going to town on this donkey, until finally he roars and flexes his name as he's apparently busted a nut. I'm standing there both disgusted and dumb-founded, when The Donald turns to Globymike and says, "okay, your turn". So Globymike runs on down there and sticks his head in the fence'
A family of tomatoes are going for a walk and the little one keeps falling behind, so the father finally went back to him, hit him on the top of the head and said โKetchup!โ
Told me well before pulp fiction, was a farmer who only watched what he got on the antenna, and probably would be too far removed from anyone who would watch movies like that.
RS177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everybody knows that the Titanic sunk on its voyage to New York City, but after stopping in New York City it was scheduled to stop down at a port in Mexico.
Why? Well, when the Europeans first came to Mexico, they brought with them mayonnaise, and when the Mexicans tried it, they all fell in love with it. Unfortunately, mayonnaise was completely unavailable in Central America at the time, and even in the 1900s it was still hard to get a hold of. So the Europeans and Mexicans made a deal and decided that the Europeans would ship hundreds of gallons of mayonnaise on the Titanic to give to Mexico.
As we all know, the Titanic sunk far before it got to Mexico, so the Europeans had to tell the Mexicans the bad news. Once they found out, the Mexicans were extremely saddened over the fact that they wouldn't be able to get the shipment, so they created a holiday to honor both the Titanic's sinking and the fallen mayonnaise: Cinco de Mayo.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:59:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the seagull fly over the sea?...
Because if he flew over the bay, heโd be a bagel.
rainor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:13:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pencil and eraser are going through marriage counseling. The pencil says to the psychiatrist "I don't know what it is about eraser thats tearing us apart. I guess she just rubs me the wrong way."
Mforsb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they both sit down and starts knocking back pints. Eventually the giraffe falls over drunk and the man gets up from the bar and starts walking out. The bartender yells โOi, you canโt leave that Lying there!โ
The man replies โitโs not a lion itโs a giraffe.โ
hatdude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:00:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life and self deprecating humor
Ramiel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a minister and a Rabi are out playing golf and trying to decide how much to give to charity. The priest says "I know. We'll draw a big circle on the ground, throw all our money into the air and whatever lands inside the circle we give to charity". The minister says "No no no we'll draw a big circle on the ground, throw our money into the air and whatever lands outside the circle we give to charity". The Rabi then speaks up and says "No no we'll draw a big circle on the ground, throw all our money into the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
โWhat are you allergic to- besides work!โ
All of his jokes were very anti-work, which is not always something you want in a healthcare professional.
A chicken is walking through a field. It comes across a horse stuck in a mudhole. For our purposes both horse and chicken possess the magical ability to communicate.
Chicken; Hello Horse.
Horse; Hello chicken. I'm stuck.
Chicken; Want I should go get the farmer?
Horse; No need to. Go to the barn, and he keeps the keys in his corvette. Get the car and some rope and pull me out.
And it is done.
A few days later the horse is walking through the field, and he sees the chicken. This time the chicken is stuck in the same mudhole.
Horse; Chicken.
Chicken; Horse. Think you could go get the rope and Corvette?
Horse; No need to.
The horse straddles the mudhole and allows his giant horse dong to hang down. The chicken grabs on, and the horse drags them both to land.
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Corvette to pick up chicks.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
โNo eye-deer (no idea).
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
โStill no-eye-deer.
What do you call a castrated deer with no eyes and no legs?
โStill no-fucking-eye-deer.
A travelling salesman has a very beautiful wife, so he buys her a German Shepherd to keep her safe while he's on the road. The wife liked to do her housework nude but the first time she tries that with the dog, the dog starts to mount her every time she turns her back to him. After slapping the dog away a couple of times, she decides she has to talk to a vet.
At the vet's office, the woman awkwardly describes the problem. "Dr., is there anything you can do?". The vet thinks for a moment, and says "We can neuter him".
"How do you do that?" the woman asks, and the vet replies "We cut off his testicles. It makes him less aggressive and it will eliminate his sex drive. "
"Oh" says the woman "That seems a bit drastic. Is there anything less severe that you can do?".
"I don't think so" says the vet "what did you have in mind?".
"Well" says the woman "Could you trim his nails and do something about his breath?".
A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel on the front of his pants. Bartender says to him "hey buddy you know you've got a steering wheel on your pants?" The pirate says "I know it's driving me nuts."
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
What do you call a woman who trades sex for spaghetti?
A pastatute
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I found this in a book called "plato and a platypus walk into a bar: explaining philosophical concepts through jokes". Honestly one of the best books I have ever read.
Anyways, Joke as follows:
Four rabbi are talking together in a field about theology. This is a common activity for them, and usually winds up three rabbi arguing with one of them. One day, the rabbi that disagrees with the others turned to the sky and asked for validation from God. Thunder boomed. He smiled and turned to the others. "See? I'm right". The other three rabbi shake their heads and say it's just a coincidence. The odd one out turns to the sky and says, "Oh God! Give me a better sign!" This time clouds condense and lightning strikes a tree. 4 birds fly out of the tree, on fire, and fly over the heads of the rabbi and then inexplicably extinguish. The rabbi begins dancing around the field in delight. The other rabbi are still adamant that he is wrong. "It's not definite, and we are right!". The now exasperated rabbi turns to the sky, and says "Oh merciful lord-" and the sky booms, "HE'S RIGHT!!!!!". The rabbi turns to the others and asks them to deny the word of God. "Well, it's still two against three!" is the response he receives.
Me: Do you know how ducks fly in a "V" formation?
Other Person: Yea....
Me; You ever wonder why one side is longer than the other?
Other Person: huh, uh no?
Me: Because.... That side has more ducks on it!
There's 3 guys standing around a pile of bricks and decide to see who can throw a brick the highest. They can't see how high they go so they decide to see how deep they go into the mud when they land.
The first guy picks up a brick and throws it up, it lands and goes about a foot into the mud.
The second guys like, psh I can beat that, so he picks up a brick and winds up and throws it and when it lands or goes about three feet into the mud.
The third guys like, nah I got this. He throws his brick and it doesn't come down.
So the next joke goes like this: A woman is visiting her mother in the other side of the country and wants to bring her parrot but the only flight she can find is a no smoking and no parrots flight.
The woman thinks she can get away with it so she stuffs the parrot in her coat and gets on the flight.
After the plane gets to cruising altitude, the pilot, smoking a big cigar, comes out and walks down the isle talking to the passengers.
He passes by the woman and hears a squawk and says, "what was that?" The woman says "nothing" quickly but the parrot squawks again and the pilot rips her coat open and and says "YOU CANT HAVE A PARROT ON HERE" and throws the parrot out the window. The woman rips the cigar out of the pilots mouth saying "WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS EITHER" and throws the cigar out the window.
The woman, grumbling, goes back to her seat and the pilot, grumbling, goes back to the cockpit and hears a knock.
He hears it again and looks out the window and sees the parrot and you know what he has in his mouth?
The brick.
HatRoll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking up out of his breeches. The bartender points out "You know you have a ship's wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Yaaarrrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!!"
A penguin is taking a cross-country road trip and his AC starts blowing hot in the middle of Arizona. He pulls over at the first small town he sees and finds a garage. The mechanic says he'll take a look, but it will be a while so the penguin goes across the street to the general store.
He tells them that he needs some relief from the heat, being a penguin and all. He asks to hang out in the cooler and the manager obliges. Well, when he walks in, it's like a mirage - it's deliciously cold, and right in front of him is a whole freezer full of vanilla ice cream. His absolute favorite treat. He eats his fill, pays the manager on the way out, and heads to the shop.
The mechanic meets him at the door and the penguin asks "Well, how does it look?" Mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and says "Oh no, this is just vanilla ice cream."
What do you have if youโve got a small, green ball in one hand and another small, green ball in your other hand?
Kermit the frogโs FULL attention.
KurrFox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is walking his dog along the shoreline when he comes across a woman with no legs and no arms sitting off to the side and enjoying the sound of the waves.
As he approaches he politely greets her and she strikes up the nerve to ask him a question.
โDo you mind giving me a hug, I have never been hugged before.โ
The man, feeling sorry for her leans in and hugs her for a brief moment.
Overcome with joy, she tears up and manages a thank you.
The following day the woman and man meet again.
โDo you mind giving me a kiss, Iโve never been kissed before.โ
The man feeling reluctant at first is overcome with guilt and leans in for a kiss.
Again he gets the same response followed by a heartfelt thank you.
The following day the man and woman meet again. She turns a shade of red as he gets close, leans in and asks,
โWould you mind fucking me? Iโve never been fucked before.โ
The man who is clearly annoyed at this point lifts the woman right up off the sand and chucks her full on into the ocean as he yells,
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We are both lawyers."
Cykaski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
They usually say well no.
That's when you say that's because they're good at it.
I prob butchered that joke.
I'm a server in the food industry. When ever people ask for more time to order I go " I'm a waiter, not a rusher!". It takes a solid delivery tho. I learned it overhearing another server choke on it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "I'll be right with you". While he is waiting, the guy hears this soft voice "yo, buddy nice tie". He looks around but there is no one near him. After another minute he hears another voice (speak in different voice) .."Hey pal, I really like your hat". Again he looks around and sees no one near him and starts to think he is going crazy. A few moments later, a third voice says "hey there, you have a nice chin.. ". The guy can't take it anymore and calls "BARTENDER". As the bartender comes over, the guy says... I think I am going crazy but I I keep hearing these voice telling me how I look good. The bartender says "oh don't worry, it's the peanuts....... they're complimentary"
I have a story I tell about the time I asked my wife how many men she had slept with before we got married. She said 89. I was flabbergasted but I tried not to show it becuase I'm a progressive fellow and won't judge folks for human behaviour. Years later I can't hold the anguish in any longer and bring it up to her. And she exclaims, "89!?! I said 8 or 9 you idiot!"
True story and it usually gets a good laugh.
Also my wife doesn't know I tell this particular story so please be cool yall.
This is more of a bit than a joke. I was at work ome day looking at a clock when Mitch Hedberg briefly returned from the realm of death and channeled himself through me (please read it in his voice):
"People often tell me that a broken clock id right twice a day. That is incorrect. What if the clock is broken because the hands fell off? That is a clock that is never right. The answer to the question 'what's the time?' Will never be 'it's nothing:30.' "
A man walks into a clock store holding his favorite clock,
Don't worry, it's not a dirty joke
And he says to the man behind the counter "I have a problem with my clock. It used to go 'Tick, Tock' but now it only goes 'Tick, Tick, Tick'"
And the man behind the counter says in heavy german accent "Leave it with me, and I'll see what I can do."
The man takes the clock into the back room, sets it down on a cold steel table, sits down across from it, glares at it, shines a bright light in its face and says slowly in heavy german accent "You know, vee have vays of making you TOCK!"
After a long night of drinking, a pirate walks into a bar with the wheel of his ship inexplicably sticking out of his pants. The bartender says to him โOy, mate, youโve got a steering wheel attached to your cock!โ To which the pirate replies โARR ITS DRIVIN ME NUTS!โ
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man approaches. As he runs by, he opens his coat and flashes the ladies.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third one couldnโt reach.
A man stops in to visit his friend who owns a bar. The bartender looks exhausted and the man asks why. The bartender explains that business is booming because all the workers at the factory down the road come in after work, and while that's great, they are a handful .
The man asks why and the bartender says they are all deaf and they use sign language to order. He explains they motion like they are raising a mug for beer and they motion with two fingers like they are holding a shot for whiskey. It's exhausting to follow because they love to drink.
Seeing him so tired , the man convinces his friend to let him cover for him and the bartender can sleep in the back room. The exhausted bartender finally gives in and heads to bed, but makes the man promise to cut the crowd off and don't serve drinks past midnight.
The man agrees and waits for the crowd. The workers start coming in and ordering drinks in sign as expected and things are going well. The night goes on and the bar is packed, drinks are flowing and there are no issues.
The man notices midnight is approaching but since all is well, he continues serving drinks to the crowd.
At about 1:30 AM he notices a worker waving his arms and moving his fingers in a new way. Across the room another does the same. Quickly table after table follows and workers are standing on chairs all silently flailing their arms.
The man panics and yells for help to his sleeping friend. The bartender sleepily rubs his eyes as he comes from the back room, and sees the crowd all waving their arms in unison. He turns to the man and yells...
Fuck! Now that you let them start singing, we'll never get them out of here!
This only works because Iโm short. But when meeting new people I try to bring up height in some way, which leads to:
โOh, how tall are you?โ
โI donโt know, because the measuring tape is on the top shelfโ
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Mr. Pirate, why is there a ship's steering wheel on your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Arrgh, they be drivin' me nuts!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender says "hey pirate, you know you have a steering wheel on your pants?". The pirate says "yarrr, it's been drivin' me nuts all day!"
What do you call a Mexican who ran out of protein powder? No whey Josรฉ! (This joke works especially well at college parties where there's always protein powder in someone's kitchen)
This man walked into a bar and saw a money jar on the bar counter, and a donkey in the corner. "What's with this donkey?" The bartender replied "Do you see that money jar? If you can make him laugh, you can have it all. The man took the donkey into the bathroom and came out a couple of minutes later with the donkey laughing, so he took the jar of money and left. He came in a week later and the money jar was on the counter, and the donkey was in the corner again. "What's the deal with the money this time?" The bartender replied "If you can make him cry, you get to take this money jar home." Thean took the donkey into the bathroom for a couple of minutes, came out, and the donkey was crying. The man grabbed the money jar and headed for the door, the bartender said "Wait just a minute, how did you get that donkey to laugh and cry?" The man replied "To make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, to make him cry I showed it to him!"
An ice cream truck driver finished up serving kids on a street and pulled away. As he drove he saw a blonde woman in yoga pants running after the truck. He wasnโt allowed to stop so kept going but the woman kept running right after the truck.
The driver stopped three streets away ... and sure enough the first person to the service window was the blonde woman in the yoga pants. The driver laughed and said, โsorry I couldnโt stop, man you must REALLY want some ice cream.โ The woman said, โoh NOOOOO, Iโm a strict vegan. I really just wanted to tell you that.โ
This joke is long and detail orientated but my god do I love it! I'm Australian but you can tailor it to suit your nationality. I tell it a little different every time based on my audience.
So a mate of mine, Trent, was driving to Lorne the other day. He's loves supporting farmers so he keeps an eye out for signs on the side of the road, last year he bought back the biggest cherries I'd ever seen. Absolutely beautiful.
Anyway, he sees a sign, "talking dog for sale" and he laughs, someone's having a joke, probably an old carnie trying to give one last swindle. He keeps driving but 10k's down the road he can't get the sign out of his head so he thinks 'fuck it' and turns around.
He arrives at the property and down the end of the dirt driveway is your typical under loved farm house, roof faded, weatherboards peeling, you know the kind right. He's wondering if this was such a good idea as he approaches the door, what if they're a serial killer, but he's come this far so he knocks.
A man comes to the door, your typical farmer, mildly unfriendly, unbothered by his appearance, permanent tan, drawn face - you know what I'm talking about. So my mate greets him and the guy just nods and is eyeing him suspiciously. To move things along Trent just gets straight to the point so he can get out of there.
"Sorry man, I saw the sign out the front. I feel kind of silly, talking dog? I have to admit, you got me and here I am" The farmer twigs and nods curtly, "Yeah he's round the back in the kennels, two dogs down - Red kelpie, see for yourself". Confused by the guys reaction my mate is mildly wary about going around the back but there's no fencing so he figures if this guy comes at him he can book it. So he thanks him and heads around.
He counts his way down the row and sees the kelpie, its chained to its kennel unlike the rest of the dogs so he feels a bit sad for it. He stands in front of the dog and it looks up at him with those eyes that confuse you - you know kelpies, they're bloody smart, too smart really. Couldn't own one myself, they need a strong trainer to keep them in line.
So he feels a bit silly but he say g'day to it, half expecting the farmer to come our roaring laughing at him. To his surprise the dog replies, "hey mate" clear as a bell. He's floored. It's an actual talking dog. Fucking weirded out too. He gets himself together and the dog waits patiently slowly wagging its tail. "Sorry I just, I didn't expect - How often do you meet a talking dog you know?" The dog seems to smile and responds again, "yeah I get it, no worries at all" now it's clear, if it wasn't before, that this is really happening and not a ruse so Trent asks him, as you would- "Sorry I gotta ask, how is this possible? I didn't think dogs could have the vocal chords to talk". The dog still wagging its tail replies;
"I don't know man, I could talk before I could bark. It's a bit of a miracle ay. When word got around I was recruited by the army, they took me on tours. I sat behind enemy lines, I was the perfect spy, nobody expects a dog to be able to report back. I got commendations for my work. Eventually I got a bit older, couldn't keep up with all the moving so I joined a circus. That was pretty fun, people never really believed it was really me though. I figured I could do more with my life, give back a little you know so I got a gig with the make a wish foundation, easily the most fulfilling job I had. You wouldn't believe how many kids ask for a talking dog, mostly the little ones who aren't old enough to seperate fantasy from reality. It takes a toll on you though, all those sick kids. When I got to ten I had to give it up, you get to a point where your heart can't take hearing another child had succumbed to their cancer. So I retired here. I settled down, had some pups and I help keep the cattle in line in exchange for boarding. I've had a good life but the owners fallen on hard times so I don't want to lean on his generosity anymore, it wouldn't be right".
Trent was floored. Absolutely flabbergasted. He immediately excused himself and went back round to the front of the house where the farmer was waiting picking dirt from beneath his finger nails. "The talking dog, how much?" The farmer looked up at him like it was the most boring interaction he'd ever had. "$5-" "Five Dollars? Are you serious? For that talking dog? Red kelpie, two down from the end??" He couldn't believe it. "The dog that's been in the army, circus, and make a wish foundation?"
The farmer looked confused at Trent like he was a lunatic. Then with a sudden wash of realisation he replied,
"Oh mate, he's a bloody liar. He's never done any of that shit".
A man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After he finishes, the bartender asks him if he would like another. The man pulls out a small photo from his wallet, looks at it for a moment and says yes. This goes on for awhile and after about 5 or 6 drinks, the bartender asks him if he would like another and the man looks at the photo once more and says yes. The bartender looks at him and says "alright sir, I'll serve you another drink on the condition that you tell me what that photo's of". The man leans back and looks at him with a soft gaze, and says "well sir. The photo is of my wife. I like to keep it with me when I drink so I know when to quit". The bartender slides him his drink and says she must be a very wonderful woman to influence you to stick to your limits. "Nope. I just know it's time to go home when she starts lookin good".
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed
"Eso sรญ que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.
Two blondes are walking through a forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first says "these look like deer tracks." The second blonde looks at the tracks and says "No dummy, these are bear tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A secret service agent was on his first day on the job when an assassin ran up the the president with a gun. So the agent quickly screams โMickey Mouse!โ The assassin is confused for long enough for another gent to tackle him. Later on, the agentโs superior asked him why he screamed โmickey mouseโ. The agent says โI got nervous, I meant to yell โDonald, duck!โโ
Two irishmen once had two very similar horses. The two men were very good friends, but they kept mixing the steeds up. One day, one of them got fed up with the confusion, and he shaved his horse's tail off. A week later, the other one got its tail caught in a tree, and all the hair came out.
They were more than a bit worried the horses were haunted, so they decided to try something else. The other irishman cut a little notch out of his horse's ear. The following night, a wolf got into the stable and bit the other horse's ear in the same place before the irishmen could stop it. Once again, the horses were identical.
In a fit of rage, they went out and bought a tape measure, and spent the next half hour measuring every part of their horse's bodies. Eventually, they found a difference: the black horse's left rear leg was half an inch longer than the white one.
FeqMxA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A penguin is driving down the street and eating an ice cream cone. Suddenly he hits a HUGE pothole! His tire pops and he smashes the cone all over his face. Luckily there's a service station on the next block. As he pulls in the auto mechanic says 'It looks like you blew a seal!' The penguin says 'I swear it's only ice cream!!!'
Dusk-1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the shy pebble say?
"I wish I was a little bolder."
JoeyRW ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a tattoo of a woman on my arm. Her head is near the top of my shoulder and her legs start about mid-bicep where my arm clearly becomes more hairy. If someone asks to see the tattoo, I almost always appologize for her unshaven legs.
A blind old man walks into a lesbian bar, he sits at a table with a pint of beer and declares he is now going to tell a blonde joke.
the lady sitting to the right of him says "just letting you know, im blonde, the bartender is blonde, the lady to your left is blonde and shes a weight lifter, and the bouncer is also blonde"
the blind old man - "oh, never mind then"
lady to the right - "don't wanna get you ass kicked do ya?"
blind old man - "no, i just dont feel like explaining it 4 times"
nroose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men were playing golf.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man.
They are at a tee and the hole has a hill down to a water hazard with the green on the other side.
Moses gets up. Hits the ball high into the air. It lands on the hill and rolls down. When it gets to the water, the water parts, the ball rolls all the way to the green, a few feet away from the hole.
Jesus says "Nice shot, Moses!"
Moses says "Thanks, Jesus!"
Jesus gets up. He hits the ball high into the air. It lands on the hill. Rolls across the top of the water on to the green and stops a few feet from Moses' ball.
Moses says "Nice Shot Jesus!"
Jesus says "Thanks, Moses!"
(Using hand gestures and speaking faster and louder so that the audience doesn't figure it out first) The old man gets up. He hits the ball and it rolls down the hill. A squirrel runs out and grabs the ball. An eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel and flies up. A bolt of lightning strikes the eagle and squirrel! CRACK!!! The ball drops right into the hole.
An old man and his grandson are on the porch and the old man is drinking some scotch. The grandson asks for a drink and the old man says "can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you can't have any, you're not old enough".
Next day, the old man is smoking a cigar and the boy asks for a puff. The old man says "can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy says no "Then you're not old enough".
The next day the boy walks out on the porch with some of grandmas cookies and the old man ask if he can have one. The boy replys "can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man smirking replies yes. Then the boys says "Well then go fuck yourself cuz grandma made these for me!"
A tiger walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he's having. The tiger responds, "I'll have a ... ....... ........ ........... Jack and Coke, please."
The bartender raises an eyebrow and says, "Okay.. but what's with the big pause?"
The tiger shrugged, looked at his hands and said, "I dunno, I was just born with 'em."
Liam is at his local pub, having a pint. The barman says, โLiam, you look down lad. Whatโs with ye?โ
Liam says, โFor years I worked with my hands and built bridges. Bridges that increased trade and commerce, brought people together. But do you think once anyone ever thought to call me โLiam the Bridge Builderโ? Nay.โ
โWhen I finished building bridges, I used these same hands to build doors. Doors to keep our homes safe. Doors for churches, so we could worship our Lord in peace. Do you think once anyone ever thought to call me โLiam the Door Makerโ? Nay.โ
โBut you fuck one goat...โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"One day I told my nephew I'd take him to Disneyland. But instead of Disneyland, I drove to an old burned down building. "Oh no" I said, "Disneyland burned down!" He cried and cried, but deep down I think he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
When I was in college a fellow student started his presentation with this joke (the whole class said knock knock and he said who's there and then just stared at us) and I was the only person that laughed, like that stupid loud honking laugh and couldn't stop and it remains simultaneously one of my most embarassing moments but also it's the funniest joke I've heard so I can't be mad
A group of Native Americans are standing outside a restaurant, having an intense discussion. One of the waiters notices and goes out to ask them if they'd be interested in any of the dinner specials.
The discussion ends, and the leader comes up to the waiter and says, "We have reservations."
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm naked and hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Hobo spots a beautiful young woman on an overpass over a ravine and walks over, asks her what she's doing standing there. She replies that her boyfriend has dumped her and that she was about to jump to her death.
The hobo says: "Why not forget about jumping and have sex with me instead?"
She replies: "Get away from me you sicko!"
Hobo: "That's alright. I'll go wait at the bottom."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup...
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(It helps when your audience tops out at around 7 years old.)
Two muffins were being cooked in an oven. One muffin turns and says to the otherโ
Muffin 1: โwheewwww! Itโs hot in here!โ
Muffin 2: โahhhhh!!! A talking muffin!!!!โ
A pirate walks into a bar with a stearing wheel on his crotch. The bartender says that looks uncomfortable. The pirate responds "arr it's driving me nuts!"
I have a story about a man who drank a lot, his wife said if you ever come home drunk again Iโm going to leave you.
So that night he went out to the pub and drank a lot and threw up all over himself. And said to his friend โif I go home like this my wife will leave meโ. His friend said โIโll tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw up over you, put a ยฃ20 note in the inside jacket pocket and say the man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.โ
He comes home and his wife starts to get angry and he says โNo, no, no, somebody threw up over me and gave me ยฃ20 for the cleaning bill.โ
She said โwhy have you got 2 ยฃ20 notes in your hand?โ
He said โoh the other one is from the man who shat in my pantsโ
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man. In the ad she states that she wants a man that won't run away from her, hit her, and can sexually satisfy her.
A few days later theres a rather loud knock at her door, which she opens to find a man who has no arms or legs.
The man looks up at her and says "I'm here in regards to your ad. As you can see, I have no arms so I'll never hit you. I also have no legs, so I'll never run away from you either."
The woman looks at him and says "Well how do I know you can satisfy me?"
The man replies "Well, you heard me knocking, didn't ya?"
A teacher,a lawyer and a priest are on a boat with 12 kids and the boat starts to sink.The teacher says we have to save the children. The lawyer says fuck the children.
The priest says do you think we'll have time?
There's this guy who has had a crush on this girl for ages, and he finally works up the courage to ask the girl to prom, and she says yes, and he's really excited. However, prom is only a few days away, and he has to rush to get everything in order.
First he goes to rent a tux, but he's waiting in line for good 3 hours before he can get fitted. But he finally gets to the front and gets that all sorted out, so he moves on the renting a limo. He gets to the rental agency and, once again, there's a massive line. He's waiting in line for about 2 hours before he can get his limo booked.
Well, finally is the day of prom, and before picking his date up, he goes to get some flowers, but the florist's is packed, and he's waiting in line for another half hour until he can get a bouquet. Well, finally it is the night of prom, and he's having the time of his life dancing with the girl of his dreams, when they start to get a bit thirsty, so the guy goes up to the drink stand, but there was no punch line.
Pj321 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Situational but you can set it up.
(Casual conversation and pigeons come up)
1: "Did you know pigeons die after they have sex"
2: " No way, really!?"
1: "At least the one I (had sex with) did!"
Simple but efficient.
Edit: Any small animal will do.
A man arrives home to find his wife's luggages at the door. Concerned, he asks her what's going on.
"Well, I heard you can get 25$ for a blowjob in Vegas. I don't know why I would stay here and give you these for free while I could get paid to do this. I'm leaving you."
The man rushes up the staircase to the master's bedroom. He comes back down the stairs a few minutes later. Confused, the wife asks:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to Vegas! I can't wait to see you live on 50$ a year!"
Saint Patrick was known for not wearing any shoes, so his feet were always hardened and blistered from walking around barefoot. He was also known for following an ascetic diet, meaning he was not only very physically weak, but also had very bad breath.
So I guess you could call him a...
Super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by hallitosis!
Late to the party but this is my go to: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Lcat84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if posted already, but this one is from Eddie Murphy.
There was a rabbit and a bear in the woods, the bear asked the rabbit if he has problems with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit said no, so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
What's the do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They both smell it but can't eat it.
Zeb_ra_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are riding their bikes down a road and decide to take a shortcut.
One nun turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before"
The other looks back and says, "Me neither. Must be the cobblestones."
Two friends are hanging out and one friend asks the other "have you ever been somewhere and got distracted and you meant to say on thing and you accidentally say something else"?
"how do you mean" replied the friend
"The other day I was at the airport and I meant to ask the stewardess, can I please have two tickets to Pittsburgh? and I accidentally said can I please have two pickets to tittsburgh!"
"I know exactly what you mean" the friend said."the other morning I was at breakfast and I meant to ask my wife can you please pass the sugar but I accidentally said you f****** b****, you ruined my life!"
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says: "Clearly, I can see your nuts!"
DuhFlip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that he Fugawi Indians were the native tribe of the west in the early 1800s. the fugawi Indians were unique because they were nomads and followed their bison wherever they would go and live there. See They got theyโre name because every time they moved somewhere they were always found looking up to god asking him, โwhere the f*ck are we?โ
A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.
After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to smirk and grin to each other as they nod their attention to the girl at the table in the corner. John notices but doesn't say anything, unsure what to make of the obvious inside scoop.
They grab a few seats at the bar and start talking and slamming back a few cold ones. After a few laughs John asks his new friends about the girl they saw.
His co-workers nudge each other as they all chuckle. "Oh man... Her? Yeah rumor has it she's got the voice of an angel and gives amazing head."
John replies, "Ok... Is that it?"
Co-worker, "Get this, she can go down on you and sing at the same time. No gargle or nothing."
John, "Whaaaat? No way."
Co-worker, "Yup."
John, "Oh I gotta see this... Check this out".
John walks over to the table, starts striking up a conversation with her and after a bit flashes the thumbs up to his buddies as he walks out the door with her. They head back to his new, freshly furnished apartment and carry on flirting. Finally, John gets the courage to bring up the rumor.
She just smiles and tells him to lay back as she walks over to shut off the lights. John hears her walk back over and crouch down between his legs. Unzip as she pulls his pants down and starts pleasing him. Moments later, she starts singing in a beautiful, smoky, sultry voice.
John, "Oh. My. God. This is amazing."
He releases and passes out on the couch.
John wakes up the next morning and as his vision settles, he looks around and notices his wallet, keys, TV, Xbox, computer... All of his valuables are gone. She cleaned him out. Then he notices on the coffee table, with a look of sudden realization,
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to hold the giraffe; and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine parts.
One day a man was walking down the street with a massive orange as a head. As u would expect everybody was pointing and staring until one brave person plucked up the courage to approach him.
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you have a massive orange as a head. Why?"
"Ah it's a bit of a long story" he replied.
"I have time"
"Well one day I was walking down the street with a normal sized head and I found a lamp on the floor"
"A lamp"
"Yes a lamp. So I gave a little rub as u do and what do you know, a genie popped out!"
"Amazing"
" yeah so the genie said I had 3 wishes"
"What did you wish for? "
"Well first I wished for unlimited money "
"Did it work?"
The man proceeds to take out his wallet, pulls out 100 dollars and throws it on the ground, immediately another 100 dollars pops up.
"OMG! I can't believe it. What was your second wish? "
"My second wish was that I could get any amount of beautiful girls at any time"
"AND?"
The man clicks his fingers and all the beautiful women in the area come running to his person.
"So? What was the 3rd???"
" Well the final wish was for a massive orange as a head".
A panda walks into a bar in the old west. He walks up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, stands up, and shoots the bartender in the chest. As he turns to walk out the sheriff runs in and says โyou canโt just shoot that man! Who do you think you are?โ And the panda replies โIโm a panda, look it up in the dictionary.โ The sheriff looks panda up in the dictionary and reads it aloud. โPanda: eats shoots and leaves.โ
nat2r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helium walks into a bar..or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another object to contain it, should quickly dissipate. Furthermore, a cloud of helium, lacking any sort of motor system, is at the mercy of atmospheric currents and cannot enter a bar under its own power. It should not have been capable of opening the door to the bar. Even if it could, hypothetically, propel itself in such a manner, the lack of any semblance of a nervous system would make meaningful coordination difficult, if not impossible. And, if the cloud of helium has no nervous system, how can it think to enter a bar? How can it be self-conscious enough to know that it desires a drink? To question it is to question the nature of the self itself. What is the self? Is the self the physical body? But when the body is wounded, and, say, a limb is lost, the removed tissue is no longer considered part of the self. Is the self the consciousness? Yet nobody denies that an individual is no longer himself when he sleeps. Is the self a spiritual force, invisible and nebulous like the helium which provokes these questions? No scientific, empirical evidence of such exists; it is the domain of scholars, priests, and mortals who chase the shadows of the unknown. Who could say? It is a question that mankind has struggled to solve since the dawn of time without success.
The bartender is facing an existential crisis when he recalls the bar's policy towards noble gases and his psyche is once again put at ease. "You're going to have to leave, we don't serve your kind here," he says, grunting at the mass of atoms.
My dad told me this joke back in the 90s when email was mainly only used for sending dumb jokes and E cards to people. Its a pretty long joke so i usually just make up the details when i tell it but this is the actual one from a joke site.
It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.
Next up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.
Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truckโs windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of theย greenkeeperโs shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.
In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, โI hate playing with your Dad.โ
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
nukl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the hippy I let crash in my couch say when I told him he had to leave?
Namaste.
vimes72 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Edward Woodward have four Dโs in his name?
People say an interesting string of words and I go "OH! That was my nickname in college."
Subway Employee: "White Bread?"
Me: "OH! That was my nickname in college."
Prmcc90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this joke on reddit about a year ago.
โA farmer goes out and buys a new young rooster to breed with his chickens, he lets the rooster out and he runs straight to the barnyard and fucks all 150 chickens. After lunch the farmer looks out at the yard, and the roosters back at it again.
The next morning the farmer goes out and the roosterโs fucking the ducks and the geese too! After lunch the farmer walks out and sees the rooster across the barnyard laying in the baking sun, covered in dust, and vultures are circling overhead. The farmer looks down at the rooster, who looks like heโs about to die from exhaustion, and says โyou poor horny little bastard.โ The rooster raises his head and cracks one eye open and says โshhhh, theyโre about to land.โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, people-watching. They notice two people walking into a building. A few minutes later, three people walk out. The physicist says, "Huh, must have been measurement error." The biologist says, "They reproduced!" A few minutes later, the mathematician looks up and says, "If one more person walks into the building, the building will be empty!"
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company". "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts".
denrad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock
who's there
to
to who
...
to whooooooom
kuenzel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is drinking at a bar when he notices its getting pretty late.
His wife works a late shift and hates it when he goes to the bar, so he decides to head home now before she gets back and finds out.
He gets out of his chair to walk home, but collapses to the ground.
He tries to get up again, but collapses once more.
"Wow," he thinks, "I guess I had a lot more than I thought. Thank God its just down the street."
So the man slowly crawls all the way home, and manages to get himself in bed and the lights off before drifting to sleep.
His wakes as the lights turn on and sees his wife glaring at him.
In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But mistake! Yakuza boss die! Yakuza very mad! I hide fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret. I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!๏ปฟ
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks โwhy the long face?โ. The horse replies, โcrippling alcoholism is destroying my marriage and ruining all of my relationships.โ
Tarzan is swinging through the jungle and suddenly hears a "snap!" and his left arm falls off. He falls to the jungle floor, dusts himself off with his remaining arm, then takes off running through the jungle when suddenly he hears another "snap!" and his left leg falls off! Stressed a bit, he hops for a time until he has to stop and pee when "snap!" his dick falls off!
Several hours later, a team of scientists stumble upon Tarzan lying there on the jungle floor, missing an arm, a leg, and his dick. Working quickly and improvising with parts available, the scientists replace Tarzan's arm with the arm of an orangutan. They replace his missing leg with the leg of a tiger. And for his dick, well, they didn't know what to do, so they sewed an elephatnt's trunk on and sent him on his way.
A few months later the same team of scientists run into Tarzan and ask him how he's getting along with their transplants.
"Well," said Tarzan, "with this orangutan arm, I can swing from vine to vine faster than any animal in the jungle. With this tiger leg, I can run faster than any of my prey. Only problem is, every time I stop to take a leak, I keep shoving peanuts up my ass."
There are two blondes, one is on one side of a river and the other is on the other side. The one blonde shouts
โHow do you get to the other side!โ
the other blonde replies
โWhat do you mean? Youโre on the other side!โ
jabme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Interrupting cow.
Moo before person can say interrupting cow who?
A blonde walks into a barber shop and the barber says "what beautiful blonde hair you have" the blonde strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural"
Then a brunette walks into the barber shop the barber says "what beautiful brown hair you have" the brunette strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural"
Then a red head walks into the barber shop and the barber says "what beautiful red hair you have" the red head strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural"
Then a woman with green hair walks into the barber shop and the barber says "what beautiful green hair you have" the woman sniffles, rubs her nose, strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural"
spug3t ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An engineer, physicist and mathematician were standing infront of a flag pole at the campus. Art major arrived and asked " What are you doing?". "We're trying calculate the height of this flag pole." said the engineer. "We're thinking of the best equation to do so" said the physicist. After thinking for moment the art major said "Just moment." and left. A moment later he came back with a mesuaring tape. He took the flag pole down an put on the ground. He mesuared it and said.: " 10 meters." After that he left. "Typical." puffed mathematician. "We asked for height and he gave us lenght."
English not native, but the joke is Universal.
Xenepa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did socialists use to light their houses before they used candles?
Two muffins were cooking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy oh boy, it's really hot in here, huh?" and the other says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
wait i have a good cow joke, ah nvmd, ill just butcher it.
what kind of wine does jesus drink? water.
sprucay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are in a car when a vampire jumps on the bonnet (hood). They scream and the driver shouts "QUICK! SHOW THEM YOUR CROSS!" The other nun leans out of the window and screams "GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR YOU BASTARD"
wolpht ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty-bus-station and the other is a busty-crustacean.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican who got his car stolen?
Carlos
Loaatao ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:00:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timmy loved tractors. When he was growing up his room was covered in them. He had tractor wallpaper, a tractor bed, tractor sheets, tractor pillowcases and not to mention all of the tractor toys which he would lovingly play with every day.
On Timmy's 13th birthday his parents decided to take him to a farm and let him ride in a tractor. Timmy was so excited as his dream of being in a tractor was finally becoming reality. After about 30 minutes of being driven round the farmer driving offered Timmy a quick ho behind the wheel. Timmy was thrilled, nothing could make him happier. As Timmy drove round the field he started to become more and more confident behind the wheel and this is when disaster struck. Timmy ,now not really concentrating on where he was going, hit a bump in the field and the tractor lost control and hit a tree. The farmer managed to escape but Timmy was caught between the tractor and the tree and passed out with pain.
Timmy awoke a week later in his local hospital, both his parents were so relieved that he was awake they almost crushed him again. Unfortunately both of Timmy's legs were broken as well as his lower back. It took Timmy 2 and a half years to finally be back in control over his body and after months or grueling physiotherapy he was finally able to get back home. When he walked into his tractor covered room he almost broke down in tears. Timmy hated Tractors. Timmy never wanted to see another tractor again and so the next day his walls were stripped, his bedding changed and his toys put away and Timmy tried to move on with his life.
Throughout his life growing up Timmy started to put the whole tractor incedent behind him and focus on his new goals in life such as a job or house or even a girlfriend but he never got rid of that hatred of all things tractor.
We now see Timmy in his mid 20's life's been good to him. He has a good job and has just moved into a new flat in a nice part of town. He pops into a bar on his way home from work for a quick drink. The bar was thick with smoke and Timmy could barley see in front of him. As he went up to the bar he noticed the most beautiful lady he had ever seen in his life. She had long golden hair that fell gracefully from her head. Her eyes were a deep green and her lips a dark red. As Timmy was thinking of something to say to her he noticed a single tear running down her cheek. "Beautiful lady why are you crying" Timmy asked. She looked up at him and explained that all the smoke was hurting her eyes and she was struggling to breath. Timmy new it was his time to shine. "Never fear" he said and stood up on the bar. He then took a deep breath and sucked in all the smoke from the bar, everyone was now staring at him as he casualy walked outside and exhaled all the smoke into the atmosphere. As he walked back in he heard the woman cry "how on earth did you do that?!" "It's easy" Timmy replied "I'm an ex tractor fan"
Susie loved 2 things in life. Wearing dresses and climbing trees. When she was little all the boys would climb trees with her but as she got older she noticed the boys stopped climbing and would just wait while she climbed. So one day she went home and told her mom about it. Her mom got mad and told her the boys just wanted to see her panties. After thinking about what her mom told her Susie went back to climbing trees. When she told her mom she was horrified and asked "why are you still letting those boys see your panties?" To which Susie replied โDon't worry Mom I stopped wearing panties."
One of my coworker's son was born without eyelids. They had to do surgery on him when he was born, because he couldnt close his eyes to sleep. When they were circumcising him, they took the leftover skin and grafted it into eyelids. He is all better now, he's just a little cockeyed.
manby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when you get the wrong tooth pulled?
Accidental.
I especially like to deploy this one when people are telling jokes that are getting on the 'edgy' side, it always resets things back to sensible giggle level.
The elementary class has been learning about the 5 senses (touch, hearing, smell, taste, & sight). Today's lesson was about the sense of taste, so the teacher asked the class to close their eyes and open their mouths, and she would place a Lifesaver candy on their tongue for them to taste.
She makes the first round, and says "Ok class, who can guess what flavor that is?" Students hands go up into the air, and she calls on Susie to answer, who correctly guesses the flavor is cherry.
The teacher makes the second round, and asks the class to guess the new flavor. Hands go up again, and she calls on Katie to answer, who correctly guesses lime.
The teacher makes the third round, and asks the class to guess the newest flavor. No one raises their hand, so the teacher says "Ok, I'll give you a hint. It's something your mother calls your father." Little Johnny jumps up out of his chair and screams "QUICK!! EVERYONE SPIT IT OUT!! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"
Jesus and St. Paul are walking around the clouds checking out the world to report back to God. They come over pebble beach,
Jesus turns to St. Paul and says Iโve always wanted to play the 18th hole and itโs open now,
so St. Paul says we donโt have time we have a lot to do with North Korea, the Middle East etc.
Jesus says come on let me just have one try at it.
St. Paul says okay you can play one ball.
Jesus says thank you.
They get down there and he grabs his driver.
St. Paul says why are you using your driver and not your 5 iron( it goes over the ocean to drive it)
Jesus says Tiger Woods does it I can do it.
St. Peter says you get one chance you should use your 5 iron and lay it up. And then shoot it on.
Jesus says nope if tiger woods does it I can do it.
So he gets up there and swings and hooks it into the ocean.
St. Peter says okay you lost your ball letโs go.
Jesus says one more ball.
St. Peter agrees and Jesus grabs his driver again and St. Peter says what are you doing, use your 5.
He hooks it again, then he walks on the water to look for his ball and a guy walks by and says who does he think he is... Jesus and
St. Peter says no he thinks heโs tiger woods..
A young man had dreams of seeing the world and making a better future for himself, so he enlisted in the Navy. Basic training was a breeze, and before he knew it, he was arriving at his first ship, just a few days before leaving port.
He met with his supervisor, a Petty Officer First Class, who offered to show him around the ship and help him get acclimated.
"Son, if you have any questions or need anything, anything at all, just let me know." his supervisor insisted as they toured around.
The tour went as anyone could expect. They saw the galley, and his supervisor gave recommendations on what food was good to get on which days. They saw the ship's topside, and his supervisor reminded him not to kneel down on the razor sharp weather coating. Finally they arrived at the recruit's quarters.
Just as they were about to part ways, the recruit asked his supervisor, "Petty Officer, you said I could ask you anything, right? Well, what do we do when we're out at sea for weeks or months at a time if we...y'know, have needs?"
"Oh, that!? Not a problem at all. Here, come with me. We've got a solution for that." Skeptical, but open to see what the his supervisor had in mind, the recruit followed his Petty Officer deep into the underbelly of the ship.
After walking for what seemed like almost 10 minutes, through stairwell after stairwell, bulkhead after bulkhead, the pair arrived at a single door at the end of a long corridor. On it hung a plain cardboard sign, unceremoniously scrawled in Sharpie with two words: "The Box".
"Pardon the language, Petty Officer, but what the fuck is "The Box!?'" His supervisor just smirked and pushed open the door. Before the two men was a simple, mostly-empty room. But what stood out and begged the question was a large wooden crate, about 7 or 8 feet on a side, with a small hole cut in the front, naturally just at the perfect height.
"What the fuck is this?" the recruit asked. "Well son, this is The Box," the experienced sailor replied, "when you start feeling horny, just come down here, have a go at it, and you'll be right as rain and back to work in no time."
"Wow, seriously?" the young recruit asked, half-excitedly and half in disbelief. "There's no catch!?" "None at all!" His supervisor said. "You can use it whenever you like, night or day. Well, any time except Tuesdays."
Now totally sold on the idea, but feeling perhaps a bit cheated at Tuesdays being off limits, the recruit pressed for more info, "Why not on Tuesdays?"
Whenever I meet someone old and have a conversation going, I ask them how old they are and then tell them they donโt look a day older than one year younger than they stated. For example:
โIโm 87 years of age.โ
And I be like, โEIGHTY SEVEN!?!
You donโt look a DAY past 86!!!โ
It works every single time, probably because people that old came from simpler times and started laughing at simple, clean jokes early on and are generally more friendly and forgiving than the majority of younger society. That and people may not treat them like the fun people that they are, so it might be refreshing for them to have someone not tip-toe around them like theyโre emotionally fragile.
wildo83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:49:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The pope lands at the airport, and his chauffeur hurries him to the limo waiting outside.
The pope gets to the curb and stops, sighing heavily with a sad look on his face.
The chauffeur asks, โYour holiness, whatโs wrong? We have to get to the Vatican quickly.โ
The pope replies, โIn all my years as a pope, not ONCE has anyone let me drive myself. I fear I may never get the chance.โ
The chauffeur thinks to himself, โWhat could it hurt? The Vatican is just a few exits away..โ
โFine. Iโll ride in the back,โ says the chauffeur as he tosses the keys to the pope.
The pope hops in the driver seat, giddy as a schoolboy. Soon, though, heโs flying down the freeway at 120mph. The chauffeur is pleading with the pope to slow down, warning him of the dangers of blowouts, crashes and tickโ. Before he can finish his warning, highway patrol is sounding their sirens, and a booming voice says โPULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!โ
The pope pulls over, and rolls down the window. As the officer approaches the car, the chauffeur is squirming in the back seat.. heโs mortified, sure he will lose his job.
The office walks up to the side of the car, and says โLicense and registraโ....โ. The cop turns and runs back to his squad car and immediately gets on the radio, demanding the chief.
โWhatโs the problem, officer?โ Barks the chief.
โSir, I uh.. I pulled over a limo doing 120mph,โ says the officer timidly.
โArrest them!โ He barks again.
โSir, I donโt think I can,โ the officer says.
โBullshit! No one is above the law! Who did you pull over? The governor?!โ The chief yells.
โNo sir, heโs much more powerful than that,โ the officer mumbles.
โIs it the president?!โ The chief asks; his frustration growing. โYou get back there and ARREST THEM!โ
โSir, I REALLY donโt think I can arrest him. Heโs even more powerful than that!โ The officer says desperately.
โJust who the hell did you pull over?!โ The chief yells, flabbergasted.
โSir, I think I pulled over God!โ The officer squeaks out.
โWhat makes you think THAT?!โ The chief asks near his boiling point.
The officer whispers, โHeโs got the pope as his fucking chauffeur!โ
This one is for all my film crew friends out there:
An architect, a mathematician, and a producer all bring their dogs to a dog park. The architect says, โLook what my dog can do!โ and dumps a pile of bones out in front of the dog. The dog builds a little house and the architect is pleased with himself. The mathematician says, โOh yeah? Look at what my dog can do!โ He also dumps out a pile of bones and the dog arranges them in columns of 5s and 10s. The mathematician smirks at the architect.
Finally, the producer says, โYou think thatโs cool? Check out what my dog can do!โ The producerโs dog fucks the other two dogs, takes all their bones, and leaves.
I have production jokes for days. Iโll be here all week.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A rooster goes : cockadoodle doo
A prostitute goes: any cock will do
markpas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman go into a bar in in London and the Englishman says to the others "This is a great bar. You buy a round and the barman give you a second round on the house." And the Scotsman says "Well in Edinburgh there's a bar where the first round is free and after you buy a round the barmaids buy the next one." And the Irishman says "In Dublin the bars give you all you can drink for free and afterward you go upstairs and have sex for free." His companions say "Really now, and have you taken advantage of it?" Says the Irishman "No, but my sister has many times."
Pretty sure I got this from Reddit and it's never failed.
A guy sits down at a bar and starts talking to the bartender. He tells the bartender that he's a consultant.
"What's that?" The bartender asks.
"I use logical thinking to help people make good decisions for their businesses."
"What do you mean by 'logical thinking'?"
"Well I'll show you. Do you own a dog?"
"I do." replies the bartender.
"If you own a dog, then you're probably good at taking care of others and are probably good with kids,"
"I love kids! Have three of my own."
"Well if you have kids, then it's very possible that you're a straight man with a wife." the consultant says.
"Wow! I do have a wife, and you guessed all that because I said I have a dog! Amazing!"
The man leaves and Tommy, a regular at the bar, shows up and sits down. The bartender asks him, "Hey Tommy, some guy was just in here and showed me what 'logical thinking' is. Wanna see?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Great!", says the bartender. "Do you have a dog?"
So there's an orchestra performing. Everything is going great, the audience is impressed, it's going to go down as the best performance of all time.
The second act starts. One of the clarinet players starts playing late, a bar or so behind. The conductor stops, looks at the player, approaches them, and kills them brutally with their own clarinet.
Because of the grizzly nature of the crime and the sheer number of witnesses, the conductor is given the death penalty. Well, time goes by and it's the eve of his execution. As he is receiving his last rites, the executioner asks him what he wants for his last meal.
"Well," the man starts, as the priest reads from his Bible. "How many volts of electricity are you putting in me?"
"About 500 volts," the executioner says grimly.
"In that case, I'll take 5 bananas."
Confused but obligated to comply, the executioner gives this dead man his last meal. The conductor eats them, then is taken to the electric chair and set up. The executioner flips the switch, waits, then flips it back off.
The man is still alive.
Bewildered, they take him back to his cell and schedule a date for a second attempt. Well, that day comes along and the same exchange occurs.
"Well," the man starts, as the priest reads from his Bible. "How many volts of electricity are you putting in me?"
"About 1000 volts," the executioner says grimly.
"In that case, I'll take 10 bananas."
Once again, the state complies and gives him 10 bananas. He eats them, is taken to the execution chamber, is set up in the chair and waits. The switch is flipped, he spasms, and stops as they flip the switch back. He's still alive. They take him back to his cell and schedule another execution.
Well, the governor's office has heard about this. People have protested. Eventually, the governor just decides to pardon this man if they fail to execute him a third time.
For the third and final time, the man is sat down and given his last rites.
"Well," the man starts, as the priest reads from his Bible. "How many volts of electricity are you putting in me?"
"Well, since we failed the first few times, about 2500 volts," the executioner replied, ready to be done with this guy.
"In that case, I'll take 25 bananas."
Begrudgingly, they comply. He eats the bananas. They take him to the execution chamber and set him up as a pregnant silence hangs over the air. The executioner flips the switch and keeps it down a few seconds longer than normal. The man spasms and jerks until the switch is flipped back off.
Miraculously, he's still alive. He's escorted to his cell where the executioner stares at him in total disbelief.
"How are you still alive?" He asks.
The man smiles and says, "I'm just a bad conductor."
A mother and daughter are walking through a parking lot at night. Suddenly the daughter sees two people having sex in a car.
Daughter: "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother, struggling to find words, says: "oh uh.. they're.. baking a cake!"
The daughter accepts this explanation and they continue on. A couple of days later the mother and father had just finished having sex and are both in bed snuggling.
The daughter comes in the room and says "Mommy! You guys were baking a cake!"
The mother smiles and replies "oh haha yea, how'd you know?"
I love this joke cuz it's at once a shitty pun and work appropriate.
0dineye ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:16:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got pulled over. The cop came up to my window and asked for my info and to step out. They look through my documents and ask, "Mr. Do you have any warrants?"
I reply "What do I look like, a cop?"
Stole of reddit last time this was asked. It's always stuck with me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:21:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the mathematician with constipation do?
He worked it out with a pencil
Dram1us ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:22:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 people sitting at the top of a construction site having lunch;
The first person opens their lunchbox and pulls out a ham and cheese sandwich, "Ham and Cheese again," they says "If I have this again I am going to throw myself off this building.
The second person opens their lunchbox and pulls out a vegan wrap "Vegan Wrap!" They exclaim, "if I have this again I am going to jump of this building."
The third person opens their lunchbox and sees chicken, vegetables and rice. "If I get chicken, rice and veges one more time, I am going to jump off this building"
The next day comes and the three workers sit down to their lunch.
The first opens his lunchbox and immediately hurls himself of the building; followed shortly by his two co-workers.
The next week at their funeral their partners are conversing.
The first says to the other two; "If they had told me they didn't want ham and cheese I would of made something else."
The second turns and says "if I had known they didn't want vegan wraps for lunch I would have made something different."
The third partner looks at the other two and says.
"They always made their own lunch."
Two buddies are out hunting when one of them suddenly collapses. The other one quickly calls 911. The operator asks the man if his friend has a pulse. "No, there's no pulse!". The 911 operator says "I want you to start CPR but first I need you to make sure he's not breathing". A gunshot is heard over the line. "Ok, now what?"
A man storms into a bar and screams at the bartender. He growls, โI never want you to serve me alcohol again. Last night I got so drunk that I stumbled home and blew chunks.โ
Bartender laughs and says, โdude, donโt freak out. That happens to everybody.โ
Three guys get lost in a jungle and are captured by a jungle tribe. They are brought to the tribe leader, who tells them, "I will let you go, but first, you must bring me ten fruits. They must all be the same fruit."
Thinking the request a bit odd, but thankful to be given the chance to be set free, the three men eagerly set out into the jungle in search of fruits.
The first man comes back carrying bananas. The tribe leader says, "In order for you to be set free, each of these bananas must be inserted into your anus. You must not make a sound, or you will be killed. If you pass, you will be set free."
The man made it to three bananas before he let out a yelp he could no longer contain. The man was taken away to be killed.
The second man arrived. He was carrying grapes. The tribe leader repeated what was to be done. The man remained silent throughout the process, but let out a giggle on the very last one. He was taken away to be killed.
The tribe man who led the man away asked, "You almost made it. You were on the last one, and you could have gone free. Why did you break your silence?"
The man, now laughing loudly, said, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"
Two hydrogen atoms are talking:
"Hey man I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
OMA_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:05:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once went to a Hispanic restaurant with my friends family and it was truly amazing. We got to eat outside, the food was nice and hot, all the workers were authentically Hispanic. It was as if we were really eating in Dominican Republic.
So me, being the little jokester I am, noticed that they call out the names for the customers to pick up their food... and that the person calling out the names out was a chef who (by the sound of it) didnโt speak a lick of English. So I formulated a plan.
I walked up to the counter after everybody else, placed my order, and left them with a name for the order.
A few minutes go by and they call my friends mom name Rosemary Sanchez, then his stepdads name George Tellos , then his cousins name Margie Morales, then his little brothers name Steve Sanchez, then my friends name Edwin Sanchez.
Quiet a few minutes go by and i start giggling in anticipation, thinking they mustโve caught on. But Just then, the chef press the intercom button. Fumbles around then says โMichael jones! To comer es aqu- AYE CONJ-!โ
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching prn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what prn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
A man has a vision in which he meets God and God says, "My son, I am the Alpha and the Omega, I am all knowing and all powerful, I am. I have revealed myself to you to share my wisdom, now what do you ask?" The man says, "Wow. God, I'm an engineer and I've wanted to make the greatest bridge ever conceived, spanning from California to Hawaii. Can you help me make it as my gift to the world?" God replied "My son, I'm sorry but it cannot be done, for that feat is technologically impossible. Perhaps I can share more of my knowledge with you?" The man asks "Lord, can you help me understand women?" God answered back "We'll get started on that bridge tomorrow."
I like when thereโs an eyelash in my eye (or I pretend there is) to say โI hate when an eyelash falls in my eye, it hurts when itโs supposed to protect me. How eyeronicโ then they get mad so I says โdonโt lash outโ and if theyโre still mad I say โthereโs no need to get irate.โ Triple pun
1) From the movie "My Blue Heaven". It's a sense of humor test. "What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb? - You can unscrew a lightbulb."
2) From working food service. It's a Spanish translation joke. "Tell me out loud in Spanish 'I want to see gas' as in solid, liquid, gas...not gasoline." Translates to "Yo quero varr gas". When said fast it sounds like "Yo quero vergas" ... I want penises.
3) Why did the peanut have to go to the hospital? It was a salted.
I told my dad I wanted to be a professional balloon artist. He said don't hold your breath.
endtyme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Eddie Murphy Raw....
Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Molakar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."
A white horse walks into a bar. The barman says "You know, there's a whiskey named after you!"
The horse replies "A whiskey named Eric, how about that!"
An elderly couple are driving across the country. The woman is driving when she gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman asks her, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband once again. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gives the officer her license. The patrolman looks it over and says with a smile to the old man, "Tallahassee, Florida, huh? I had a blind date once with a gal from there. Worst piece of ass I've ever had."
The woman turns to her husband. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"
A man walk into a bar and asks the bartender why the music stopped. The bartender tells the man that the radio is busted. The man says no big deal and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a tiny man and a tiny piano. Miraculously this action figure sized human being starts playing the most beautiful piano youโve ever heard in your life
The bar tender is amazed. He immediately asks where the stranger found the tiny man. The man explains that he has a genie that grants him any wish no matter what. He offers the bartender an opportunity to try it for himself . The bartender, who at this point is super skeptical, wished for a million bucks. All the sudden he looks out the window and a million ducks fall out the sky. The bartender asks the man if the genie has some kind of hearing problem. To which the man responds โyeah, I didnโt ask for a 12 inch pianistโ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:54:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Off the top of my head, theres one I know, and this only seems to work on white people. (I'm Indian, living in the UK).
So the conversation has to be something about Indian food, and it goes somewhat like this-
Me: some comment about Indian food
WP : some response about Indian food
Me : polite laugh and/or asking further about it
WP : So do you eat Indian food at home?
Me : Well, at home we just call it 'food'...
And thats it. This joke has never failed me on a white person. Doesn't make other Indians or black people laugh. I don't even find it funny myself.
A guy is driving around in the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a dog sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the dog replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
Con: hey, you wanna go paint some graffiti
Me: nah. If your gonna do something bad, just burn down an orphanage. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
An old woman sat in the park each day feeding the ducks.
One day an old man stopped by and sat with her. After a while they both got up and left.
The next day he was there again. They sat together every day for a few weeks until the man leaned over and asked, "would you mind holding my penis?" she said yes, and did so for a while, then they both got up and left.
Every day after that the same thing happened, he would ask, she did and then they left.
A few weeks later he didn't show up. Confused, the woman looked around and saw him on another bench with another woman. She stormed over and screamed, "you bastard, what does she have that I don't?"
a rope walks into a bar. the bartender says: we dont serve rope here!! disheartened, the rope steps out, goes into the alley, ties himself up, and messes up his hair. he walks back into the bar and asks for a drink. the bartender says: aren't you that piece of rope from before?
I have a really judgmental German girlfriend, who likes to rate my sexual performance, usually something like 2 or 3 out of 10. But i must be getting better because last night we made love and she started yelling NINE NINE!
Just as we humans have our Olympics every four years, so the bugs have their Bug Olympics every four years. Itโs the biggest sporting event in the bug world, and every year hundreds of different bugs come to test their luck at becoming the official bug world champion in their sport.
This year, two bug best friends are both entering for long jump. Funnily enough, when the day of their event comes, they realize theyโll be going right after each other in the jumping lineup!
When the first bug steps up to the mark to jump, his heart is beating faster than ever. He knows he needs to knock this jump out of the park, heโs at the Bug Olympics, after all! Right before he jumps, he finds his friend in the crowd of competitors, and they exchange thumbs up.
The first bug steels himself, prepares himself, then jumps with all his mightโand boy, what a jump! He has tied the big world record for long jump! The crowd goes crazy, the bug is in shock, and behind him his friend is cheering madly!
But when the friend bug steps up to the line to jump, heโs feeling a little nervous. Heโs definitely happy for his friend, but he needs to make an amazing jump to be in contention for gold. He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... and itโs another incredible jump, just one millimeter behind the world record! But itโs still one millimeter behind, and even though the crowd goes nuts, heโs still not in first right now.
When the first bug returns to the line for his second jump, heโs feeling really pumped. If he can jump anything like his first jump again, heโs got this. He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... and nobody can believe it, but itโs even better than before! He has surpassed the world record by one full centimeter! The crowd is cheering, theyโve never seen anything like it!
This is all great for the first bug, but the second bug is even more anxious than before. How is he supposed to beat that?! But his friend gives him a pat on the shoulder as they switch places, and he steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... itโs incredible: he would have beaten the world record, but he is again just one millimeter behind his friend.
The bug is getting more nervous, but he knows thereโs one jump left. When it comes time for that last jump, the two bug friends exchange a smile.
โNo matter how this turns out, I want you to know I really value your friendship,โ says the first bug.
โYou know I feel that way too, man,โ says the second bug. โGood luck! Iโm rooting for you!โ
With that, the first bug steps up to the line for his last jump. He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... and even before he touches the ground, he knows heโs done it. Heโs beaten the new world record he just set by one centimeter. The crowd is showering him with teddy bears, theyโre chanting his name... itโs an incredible moment.
So as the second bug steps up to the mark, heโs feeling less confident than ever. Heโs going to need a miracle to even tie that! But that doesnโt mean heโs not going to try.
He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... but even though the crowd still goes wild for an amazing jump, heโs still one millimeter behind his friendโs last jump.
The second bug is disappointed, but heโs still happy for his friend. At the conclusion of the long jump, he finds heโs won silver, which is still a great accomplishment at such a famous sporting event as the Bug Olympics. His friend, of course, won gold.
The next day, the two bugs appear on national televisionโeveryone loves a good friendship story, after all.
The first bug proudly talks about his journey to the Bug Olympics, about how all the hours he put in really paid off and how heโs excited to see whatโs coming next, and thank you to his parents and coaches and friends for supporting him.
โHow about you?โ the reporters ask the second bug. โWhat do you think of your performance today?โ
โWell,โ the second bug replies, โIโm really happy with how I jumped, I definitely set some personal bests and Iโm proud of that.โ
โBut,โ he says, โon the day, I think I was just the lesser of two weevils.โ
I went to Ireland recently, and it was beautiful. I walked along this cobblestone wall, came across this beautifully built pub, and saw a very large bartender. I go up to him and start shooting the shit as he pours me a pint.
"How ya likin it here?" he says in his gruff voice.
"It's pretty here." I say as I take a drink.
"Didja see the cobblestone wall? I built that, y'know. But they don't call me a mason. Ya like that chair your sitting it? I built that myself too. But they don't call me a carpenter." and then he leans in very close and says "But you fuck ONE goat..."
cheefin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:21:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Mr. and mrs. Wong had a baby. When it was born, it turned out to be white. Mr Wong is furious, and accuses his wife of cheating, because two Wongs donโt make a white.
nutnerk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:42:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I live in Spain so...
Como te llamas una mujer que no tiene piernas?
'consuelo'
jajajaja
I actually invented this joke myself v proud
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
nutnerk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about the comfortable part... consuelo means literally 'with the floor'... so if you have no legs you are on the floor because you can't stand up. Consuelo is a popular woman's name. Jokes aren't funny when you explain them :(
Kveldur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:57:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worked in IT for a few years and this was always my lame joke.
Do you know what computer can sing?
No?
Adell
ocsor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:01:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've worked in many places and cultures all over the world. I have found shhhhhh'ing someone after they sneeze with one finger on your mouth (and making sure you smile and they know your'e joking) to be the most internationally understood joke and it never fails to get a laugh.
I tell people I have a really funny knock knock joke. Then I tell them that they have to start it off. So they say "Knock knock." and then I say "Who's there?" and I just stand there staring at them. It confuses some people but it always ends in people bursting out laughing.
One day a man was walking along the street, when a street vendor called him closer
"Hello there, my friend! Would you be interested in a ninja dog?" the vendor said, pointing to an old German Shepherd next to him
"Ninja?" said the incredulous man, scoffing at the vendor "That dog looks like he's one step away from death!"
The vendor simply laughed, shaking his head "Oh no, my friend, he is really a ninja dog! Watch!"
The vendor turned to the dog and shouted "Ninja, the door!"
Much to the man's surprise, the dog darted towards a nearby door like a bullet, ramming into it and completely destroying it. The man could only stare in aghast as the dog obediently returned to the vendor's side, not harmed at all.
"Ninja, the trashcan!" Yelled the vendor, and once again, the dog darted lightning fast at it's target. By the time it was done, the trashcan was nothing but scrap metal.
"So, my friend" said the vendor with a smile "Have I convinced you?"
"I'll take it!" exclaimed the man. The dog was quite expensive, but he knew it was worth every penny.
The man arrived at home with the dog, excited to show it to his wife. The woman, upon seeing the old dog, exclaimed "What the hell is that filthy dog doing here?!"
The man shook his head, smiling "No, honey, it's no regular dog! It's a ninja dog!"
"Ninja Dog?" the wife exclaimed in disbelief "Ninja my ass!"
After 30 years of hard employment a man decides he's finally going to retire. After a month or so he finds himself bored and craving a bit more social interaction. So he decides to become a Wal Mart greeter.
He's enjoying interacting with people again and having something to do everyday.
His manager is happy to have him but, after a week or so, notices that he's constantly showing up late for his shift.
The manager approaches him one day late in the morning and says "I've noticed that you seem to be showing up late every day. What's going on? What did they tell you at your last job when you showed up late?"
The man says "Oh you know, 'good morning general' "
A lawyer was hunting birds and did not realize he had strayed into territory governed by an indigenous community. As he was going to retrieve a duck he had shot, he was met by a Native conservation officer who told him โthis duck is on our land, so itโs our duckโ. The lawyer argued strenuously that the duck belonged to he who had shot it, but the Native officer was unmoved. Eventually the lawyer threatened to sue for the return of the duck, but the officer informed him that his Native community was sovereign and US laws do not apply, but he also offered the lawyer the chance to resolve the dispute through a โtraditionalโ method - the lawyer and the officer would take turns kicking each other in the balls, until one of them gives up. The one who does not give up would keep the duck. The lawyer really wanted that duck, so he agreed. The Native enforcement officer (who is wearing cowboy boots) then says, โok, get ready, here comes my first kickโ, and he boots the lawyer squarely and very hard in the family jewels. The lawyer is in excruciating pain, but eventually pulls himself up off the ground and tells the enforcement officer, โok, itโs my turn, get readyโ, to which the Native officer replies โI give up, you can have the duckโ.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad walked into my room and said "Son if you don't stop masterbating you're going to go blind." I called my dad from the bathroom and said "Dad, I'm over here."
The guy who wrote the hokey cokey has died.
The hardest part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in and that's when all the trouble started...
What do you get when you mix human DNA with a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.
evilf23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
GF and I got into role playing, but it got a bit out of hand. Last night she asked me to be a flamingo, but i wasn't comfortable with that so i had to put my foot down.
Cut a circular hole in the ice and surround it with peas. Then, fill the hole with ashes. When the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
An artist is found dead in his studio. After 5 years the police FINALLY find his killer. When the family asks why it took so long, the police say it's because evidence at the crime scene was sketchy.
An old man and woman who live in an retirement facility strike up a close friendship. As time progresses they become what in their younger years would have been considered boyfriend and girlfriend. Their favorite thing to do is to go outside in the evenings, sit on the one of the benches in the courtyard, and watch the sunset.
One evening several months into their relationship, the man asks the woman - โI know we are no longer young, and I hate to be so forward, butโฆwould you hold my penis?โ.
The woman is taken aback and refuses. The next evening, he asks the same thingโฆ โwill you hold my penis?โ. Flustered again, she refuses. This continues for nearly a week before she finally comes to the conclusion that they are both nearing the end of their lives and what harm could it do to give her dear friend what he desires most, so she agrees?
โI am an old womanโ, she says, โCertainly you can not expect this to lead to anythingโ
โOf course notโ, he says โI am simply an old man who wishes to feel young againโ
So, she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and holds it. Watching the sun set.
This becomes a daily occurrence. They meet in the entry hall after their evening meals, walk outside to the courtyard, sit on the bench, and she holds his penis while watching the sunset.
Then, one evening, the woman is waiting in the entry hall for the old man. He does not come down from dinner. Sheโs worried, terrified that something may have happened to him. She can not find him anywhere.
Thinking maybe he has forgotten, in his old age, that he was supposed to meet her, she runs outside into the courtyard.
She finds the old man, sitting on their bench in the courtyard with another women holding his penis. She is heartbroken, mortified.
โWHY!โ she cries, โWhat have I done wrong?โ. โWhat has THAT woman got that I DONT!โ she screams.
The man looks at her and saysโฆ
Parkinsonโs Disease
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
save this whole thread
gedai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โYou know, that one guy, Hitler?
...
โYeah, turns out heโs kind of a jerk.โ
I think how I talk and carry myself it works more than someone else whoโd say it, but nothing like Norm Macdonald
So thereโs this zoo. The zoo is world famous for one reason and one reason only. Their gorilla. The zoo has an extremely intelligent gorilla that pulls tourists out of every country in the world. One day, the gorilla dies and the zooโs manager is concerned that people will stop coming. He tells one of his most recent employees to put on a gorilla costume and get into the gorilla cage. The employee complied and gets into the costume, and then the cage. For the next few days, the zoo gets its highest numbers of visitor they have ever recorded. The man in the costume impresses the crowd more everyday. One day, the man does his most daring stunt: he climbs out of the gorilla cage, and climbs on top of the lion cage. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blows. All eyes are on the gorilla. The man loses his grip and falls into the lion cage! The lion begins to approach the gorilla, and the man begins to panic. He yells for help and tries to take off the suit. The lion is right behind him and the man in the gorilla suit throws himself against the walls of the cage to yell for help again. All of a sudden, everything goes dark. The man thinks the lion has killed him and he has come to the afterlife. The mans thinks about his entire life in the darkness for a few moments. His wife, his children, his dog. All of a sudden, he hears a voice, โIโm gonna let you go of your head now. Donโt move or weโll both get fired.โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There it is! Tom said, pointedly.
caros92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always love reading these threads and tell myself to remember some of them but I can never remember. This is the only one that's ever stuck to me:
Two hunters are walking through the woods and get lost as the day's light begins to fade. The trees around them grow increasingly bare and all of a sudden, they break into a small clearing with an enormous hole at its centre. They peer over its edge and see nothing but blackness. Curious, they drop a branch in and wait for the sound of it hitting the bottom but after a full minute of silence they look at each other in surprise.
"Maybe the branch was too light to make a loud enough sound?" muses one of them, so they look around and find a large rock. The two of them heave against it and manage to roll it over the edge.
Again, they wait. After a while, they hear something that starts off as a low murmur. They look at each other with wide eyes as the murmur grows into a wail and then into a scream. Suddenly, a goat charges out of the trees, runs straight past them, and dives into the hole.
Terrified, the hunters run back into the woods and eventually make it out. It's almost night now and they see the shadowy silhouette of a man walking towards them. They panic and raise their guns but the man shouts out "Hey!".
"Who are you?" ask the hunters.
"I'm a farmer and that there is my farm," he replies, pointing over his shoulder. "I'm looking for my goat, have you seen it?"
"We saw a goat run right into a giant hole back in the woods!" say the hunters.
The farmer scratches his head, perplexed. "Well how the hell did he do that, he was tied to a rock!"
An old woman takes her great dane to the vet. Vet says, what seems to be the problem maam ? Well, the old woman says, everytime I bend over in front of my dog he's on me in a flash humping me. The vet says, so you want him neutered then ? Oh heavens no the woman says, if you could just trim his nails and do something about his breath that would be fine.
A man got on an elevator and accidentally elbowed a woman. The gentleman said โMaโam, if your heart is as soft as your breast is, I know youโll forgive meโ. The woman replied, โSir, if your cock is as hard as your elbow is, Iโm in room 301!โ.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One looks to the other and says, "Is it me or is it getting hot in here?"
The other muffin says, "What the fuck, its a talking muffin!"
When I leave a room and plan on โbeing right backโ I announce โ Iโll be white blackโ
I donโt think itโs funny but there are riots in the streets when I say it..
R0b045 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:07 on June 10, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A house maid is asking a woman for a raise for her work and the woman asks why, the house maid says
"Well for one, I'm better at cooking than you"
Woman/ wife, flustered says "and who told you that?"
House maid says "your husband"
Wife is astonished and says "what else"
Housemaid says "I'm also better at cleaning than you"
Wife clearly irritated asks "And who told you that!?"
House maid says "your husband"
The wife is furious
House maid says "and furthermore, I'm better at sex than you"
Wife is confused "who told you that?"
House maid says "the mail man".
Ok. I'm really sorry about this joke, everyone. Here goes.
There's a chimp living in the jungle. He's a very clever chimp, always making little inventions to make his life easier; he's particularly proud of two items he invented to eat his dinner with.
The first is a stick, which he has whittled and sharpened so it has a handle he can hold at one end, and a blade at the other which he can use to cut his dinner up with. He calls this his 'one-point tool', because it tapers to a point (naming his inventions isn't a talent he possesses, but he's a chimp. It's ok.)
The second is a couple of sticks lashed together with a piece of vine - what he's done there is split and sharpen the ends of the sticks, so he can use them to spear bits of his dinner and put them in his mouth. Because it has four spikes at the end - tines, if you like (he doesn't know that word) - he calls this his 'four-point tool'.
Anyway, one morning he wakes up to find his four-point tool missing! Obviously he's very distraught, so off he trots into the jungle to find his missing cutlery.
First up, he meets a python. "Python, python,'" he says, "have you seen my four-point tool?" The python thinks for a second. Everyone in the jungle knows of the chimp's clever inventions, but sadly: "Sorry, chimp - I haven't seen your four-point tool."
Moving on, the chimp meets a toucan. "Toucan, toucan," he says, "have you seen my four-point tool?" The toucan thinks for a second: "Sorry, chimp - I haven't seen your four-point tool"
Despondent and losing hope, the chimp happens upon a jaguar sunning itself in a clearing, looking very smug. "Jaguar, jaguar," says the chimp, "have you seen my four-point tool?"
A second's pause.
"Yes, chimp. I have seen your four-point tool."
"Oh! Please, jaguar, could you tell me where you saw it?"
"Well, I ate it."
The chimp, baffled, asks "But... why would you...?"
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
A guy is walking through the market when a vendor gets his attention. He says that he spells special fruit that has two in one.
He says here, try a Melon-Pear.
I pick it up and take a bite but it only tastes like Melon.
The vendor says "turn it around turn it around"
I turn it around and take a bite.. holy shit it tastes like pears now.
So i pick another one up, take a bite and it tastes like pineapple.
The vendor says "turn it around turn it around"
I turn around the strange fruit and take a bite, WOW it tastes exactly like a Banana now!
I pick up another fruit and take a bite.
GROSS it tastes like Sh*t!
"turn it around turn it around"
A man and a little boy are walking through the woods at night. The little boy tugs on the manโs sleeve and says โMister mister Iโm really scared!!โ
The man replies: โYou think youโre scared kid? I have to walk back alone!โ
A guy walks into the doctors room with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his arse. The doctor says โThat doesnโt look too goodโ, to which the guy replies โItโs just the tip of the icebergโ
A young man wants to ask his long time crush to prom. He finally musters up the courage to ask, and to his surprise, she says โyes, but you have to buy the tickets.โ The guy is feeling over the moon, so he agrees to buy the tickets and runs to the school box office where the tickets are sold. The guy is greeted by a very long line that stretches out the door. The guy waits patiently in the line and after 20 minutes he is able to buy the tickets. He goes back to his soon to be date and proudly proclaims, โI have the tickets, now we can go to prom!โ The girl looks at him befuddled and says, โoh no no no, thereโs still so much more to do, you have to get a tux!โ Exasperated, but still high on his dates acceptance, the guy agrees to go rent a tuxedo. When the guy reached the fitting store, he is greeted with another line, this time taking 40 minutes to get through. The guy finally reaches the end of the line and is fitted for a tuxedo. He calls his date and says โokay, I have the tickets, and the tux, we can go to prom now right?โ The girl bursts out laughing and says โnot until you rent us a limo!โ The guy is in utter despair now, but he accepts and goes to the limo rental shop. When he gets to the limo shop, the guy is faced with another line, twice as long as the last line, which was twice as long as the first. After 80 minutes of impatiently tapping his foot, the guy is finally able to rent a limo. The guy calls his date and says, โokay, I have, the tickets, a tux, and a limo rental, can we please, for the love of god, go to prom now?โ The girl seems taken aback by the guyโs hostility but proceeds to tell him โone last step, now we just need dinner reservations.โ The guyโs eyes bulge out of his skull when he hears this and heโs already having flashbacks to the last 3 long lines. The girl continues, โbut they do phone reservations, so I can do that. So Iโll see you tomorrow for prom?โ The guy breathes a large sigh of relief and courteously says good bye. The next day, the guy and the girl have a wonderful dinner date before prom. But when they get to prom and start dancing, they only manage to get jiggy for around 10 minutes before the girl gets very tired. โI need to go sit down for a minute,โ she says โwill you go get me some punch from the concession table?โ The guy agrees and starts to walk towards the door to the concession room. When he opens the door, he nearly bumps right into someone who appears to be waiting in a very, very long line. The guy almost breaks down in tears when he sees this line. But then he realizes, the line he is seeing is for the coat check, and the concessions are in the corner. He looks over at the concession table, dreading with every fiber of his being, the sight of a line. But as it turns out, thereโs no punchline.
Either they get it and think itโs goddamn hilarious, or they get it and think itโs the worst thing imaginable. I donโt need that kind of negativity in my life.
There was a little kid that absolutely loved tractors when he started watching them when he was 2, so for his 3rd birthday his parents bought him a toy tractor. He started ignoring the rest of his toys to just play with that all day, everyday, pushing it all around his house and kindergarten, and taking it anywhere else he went.
He got a little bit older and still had his love for tractors, so on his 10th birthday, his dad said "Alright son, you're a little bit older now, so here's a mini tractor for you to play around with outside."
The boy was ecstatic, and ran out straight away to start riding this tractor around the yard and block, and spent his entire teens going anywhere he could with it.
He turned 18, and his dad came to up to say "OK son, you're a man now, here's a proper tractor for you."
He loved his new tractor, and started taking it for runs to the grocery store, out to clubs, and basically using is it in lieu of a car.
One day, he was taking his tractor down a road in the middle of nowhere during a storm, and it broke down, leaving him stranded while he waited for help to make it's its way out. Given that there was no real warmth and the gaps in the windows were letting rain in, he decided a car would have been better, and that maybe tractors aren't so great after all.
A few years later, he's driving down the same kind of road in a car, and notices that there's a house on fire. He pulls over to see what he can do to help, and a lady comes running out telling him that her baby is trapped inside and that he needs to call the emergency services for her.
He looks at her and says "Don't worry ma'am, I can help here."
The man takes a few massive breaths in and the fire just disappears.
The lady, astonished, looks at him and says "That's amazing! How did you do that?"
Two guys live in an insane asylum. And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks if he has problems with shit stocking to his fur, and the rabbit says no. So the bear picks up the rabbit, and wipes his ass with him.
Now, back in the eighties, Eddie Murphy used to be funny. Some of you might remember this. He had this special, and at the end he told the audience that he knew they'd go back to work and try a ff tell their buddies some of the jokes, and it wouldn't work. Not their fault, they just aren't Eddie Murphy. So here's a joke they can tell, easy not too fuck it up, and it's funny.
Now, I told you all that to tell you this:
In the eighties, my parents were going through rough times. One kid, and moving from one side of the country to the other to live at a military base. They're broke, and in a time crunch, so they drive until they can't, and sleep in the car on the side of the road.
One night, my father is awoken by my mother, who is stressing out, and can't sleep. 'Tell me a joke,' she says. And this being the first joke my farther can come up with in his bleary state, out comes the bear and the rabbit joke.
Dead. Silence.
Well, figures my dad, he's awful tired, and maybe didn't actually say it all out loud, so he tries again.
'No, I heard you. It just wasn't funny.'
Now that couldn't be right. He knows the joke is funny. Eddie Murphy told him so.
So he tells it again, confident he's awake now. My mother is exasperated by this point, and turned over to sleep.
Months pass. They're both working multiple jobs, the kid is belligerent and developing a southern accent, mom's getting stressed out again. Early in the morning, she nudges him awake, 'Tell me a joke!'
'Whu? Oh. A bear and a rabbit-'
sigh and off she goes to sleep. Repeat every few months to much the same effect. 'Hey hon, I'm heading home, and I saw we're out of milk, so I'll pick some up on my way. I love you, and a bear and a rabbit-' click.
They move again. At a party of mostly my father's friends, the split to mingle. Dad wanders to where a group of guys are telling jokes. Eventually they turn to him, 'okay, your turn to tell a joke'
'Well. I really only know one joke any more.' And her tells the bear and the rabbit joke, and people laugh, because it's funny. Eddie Murphy said so.
But wait, one observant jokester thinks, why is that the only joke he knows? So he tells them the story so far, and as funny as the joke is, the story is so much funnier!
So the jokes keep going around the circle, and eventually my mother walks up.
'Hey!' Starts the observant jokester, 'I just heard a great joke! A bear and a rabbit' and without looking she smacks my father in the chest, naturally assuming he'd put his friends up to it, and that's even funnier!
Fast forward maybe 5 years. Now they're divorced, surprise surprise. Dad is just starting to date someone, and one night she starts telling jokes, and they're having a great time. She asks him to tell a joke, and he admits that he really only knows one joke, and starts to tell the bear and the rabbit joke, before she interrupts him, 'wait, that was you?'
Swicket ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a farmer had a pterodactyl, and
EEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH [as long and screechy as possible]
3 old women are sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them by surprise. The first two women have a stroke, the third... she couldn't reach.
j-6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:46:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love to hear โCome on Eileenโ in a bar, and ask whatโs grosser than Grease on Olivia Newton John. Then I point at the jukebox when the chorus hits.
Lady goes to the dentist.
Dentist says "we're gonna have to pull this tooth"
Lady says "OOOOO! I'd rather have a baby!"
Dentist says "make up your mind. I gotta adjust the chair"
A long time ago there was a like and on three sides of the lake each was a kingdom. The first kingdom was very wealthy and a huge tourist trap. The second kingdom, while not as well off as the first, still did well. The third kingdom was dirt poor and so shitty the plague didn't even bother.
One day a war breaks out over the lake as it is a valuable resource. The first kingdom sends one hundred knights the best equipment and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends seventy five knights with decent armor and weapons with about fifty squires to attend to the whole army. The third kingdom sends It's only remaining warrior, an elderly knight with rusted and dented armor, a broken sword, and his grandson as a squire.
The day before the battle the knights from the first two kingdoms are so sure of their victory they prematurely celebrate and get totally plastered, while the young man hangs a noose over a branch in a tree to hold a pot over a fire and shares a nice home cooked meal with his grandfather. The next morning, all of the knights from the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight and the old man from the third Can't get up, so all of the squires take up arms and fight in their masters' sted. When the dust settles the last one standing is the young boy from the third kingdom.
And that just goes to show you that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Doesn't work when written out, but this has been my go-to quick-fire joke for years:
what's the most important part of a joke?
The timing
But you say have to time "the timing" awkwardly quick.
It sounds dumb what it always gets a laugh because it's so stupid
jsqwild ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
<Said as a fake, pick up line.>
Hey, did you hear the news story this morning that two pythons got out of their enclosure at the local zoo?? Oh, but donโt worry, I found them. flex both of your arms and pose
There was this giant gold hand. It sat and guarded its treasure in a cave above a little village. The village was a common stop for knights who were passing through. So the knights would hear tales of the treasures that lie above guarded by the big gold hand. Many a knight would try and fail to over come the beast. All were slain. One day a knight rose to the challenge. His page said โsir you mustnโt. Please allow me to go in your stead!!! The world needs you and so many have tried and failed. Allow me!!!โ
So the page scales the mountain up to the cave. He sees the giant gold hand and, trembling with fear, walks right in and grabs as much treasure as he can carry. Trip after trip, the page goes back and forth until all the treasure is taken and collected by the knight waiting below.
So yeah, always let your page do the walking through the yellow fingers.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were reminiscing about the best bars they'd visited around the world.
The Englishman says, 'The 'First Inn, Last Out' in Whitby.
A free accordian band, freshest stout ale, with free boilermaker every third drink, buxom barmaids who enjoy some slap n tickle, and gin rummy til three in the morning. Best bar in the world."
The Frenchman, " But zis iz nussing! In Paris, a brasserie which stays open til five in zee morning, a complimentary bottle of champagne on entry, free CanCan girls entertainment, and zee girls come and sit in your lap after every dance. Best bar in zee world."
Paddy chimes in, 'No no, you can't beat the Rocks Pub in Sydney.
Entry is free. Band is free. Drinks are free all night. And, at the end of the night they take you upstairs to your own room for free, where you get to screw your brains out, all for free!"
The Frenchman looks skeptical, then says, 'Awwww, come on, Paddy, zis did not really happen to you'.
Paddy replies, 'Well, no, it didn't happen to me, but it happened to me sister."
Wylaff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:25:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 scientists walk into a bar. The first says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O." The second says "I'll have a glass of, wait a second. Why wouldn't you just order a glass of water? Why do you always have to over-complicate things?"
The first looks into the bottom of his glass, disappointed that his assassination attempt has failed.
2 whales walk into a bar. Bartender walks up to the first whale and says "what'll it be, pal?" Whale says "aaaooooooohhhhhhh". The 2nd whale punches the first whale "Shut the fuck up, Larry. You're drunk."
Really funny guy 420: Hey did you hear about that celebrity that was stabbed outside their hotel this morning? Shit what's their name....Reese something.....Reese
Some fuckin dumbass about to get shanghaied: Whitherspoon?
I'm going through a awkward stage in my life right now. I can't decide whether to stick to the 3rd notch in my belt or commit to the 4th. The 3rd is too loose, but the 4th is just too tight.
Ask your straight friend if they want to take a little sex quiz.
You mention sexual positions, they give a score out of 10.
Example: "Missionary." - "8/10."
Do this say 2 or 3 times.
Then ask: "A blowjob." - They'll answer with a score.
And then you go "Getting a blowjob." and watch them realise what their previous answer meant...
(Joke adjustible to women, lgbtq, ... just make sure you know the sexual orientation of your audience :-) )
Spatbat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A family of finches live together in a tree. They all look the same, except for one of the new baby boys - his beak is longer than normal.
His sister asks "Mother, why is brother's beak different than mine?" Their mother replies "I always feared you would ask. It's a secret, so you can't tell anyone, but your brother is adapted."
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, coincidentally both pooping at the same time next to each other. The bear asks the rabbit, โdo you have any problems with poo sticking to your fur?โ
The rabbit replies โnope, no problemsโ
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.
azumane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few:
What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's really heavy, one's a little lighter.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
A bear is taking a shit in the woods. A rabbit hops by, so the bear says "Hey Rabbit! You ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "Nope."
APearce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man in a skydiving class asks his girlfriend, who signed them up for this, "W-w-w-what if the p-p-p-parachute d-d-doesn't work?" She smiles and tells him to just follow her out, count to four, and pull the cord. She jumps first, counts, and pulls the cord, and a body falls past her at high speed screaming "T-T-T-T-T-TWOOOOOOOOO!"
A man walks into a bar and sees a couple slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks him to explain.
โWell,โ says the bartender, โwe have a little challenge here. The regulars love it. What you have to do is jump as high as you can and try and touch the meat. If you can touch the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you canโt, you have to buy a round for the house. So what do you think? Wanna try it?โ
The man thinks about it for a minute.
โOn second thought, I think Iโll pass. The steaks are too high.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a pub, and takes a seat at the bar. While waiting for the bartender so he could order, he started looking around the room.
A few seats down from him, he notices this pirate, and he's got a big ol boat wheel suck to his groin. Out of wonder the man asks "do you know you've got a wheel on your crotch?"
"Korean, last I was told by the parents. They haven't lied to me yet."
sharrrp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any random Mitch Hedberg quote. Such as but not limited too:
"I think Bigfoot IS blurry. That's the problem."
"I went the store and I saw Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Salami and I was like C'mon Turkey, just be yourself."
"When someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're saying 'Here, you throw this away.' "
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There should never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign. It should only say Escalator Temporarily Stairs."
These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, โI wonder how deep this hole is?โ
He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.
At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across a railroad tie. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.
The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see this goat running all over the place. Itโs ziging and zaging between trees and going all over the place. Then it runs right up and dives into the hole.
Now the two men are thinking, what the hell was that? They had no idea what that goat was doing. So they decide to just keep walking.
A little ways down they run into a farmer, and the farmer asks them if theyโd seen his goat. The two men tell him that they saw a goat come running out of the woods and jump into this huge hole. But the farmer says that couldnโt have been his, cause he tied his goat to a railroad tie
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard that noise,
And came and shot those two dead boys.
And if you donโt believe this tall tale,
Ask the blind man, he saw it all.
Courtesy of my Papa who told me that every day as a kid.
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate...
"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Well," says the pirate sadly, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!
Usually works.
Also:
Pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel attached to his pants. Bartender asks the pirate what's up with the wheel. Pirate says "yarrr I dunno but it's drivin me nuts!"
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick?
Still no fucking idea.
udders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A leper walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve lepers here." The leper says "I understand," and leaves.
He goes to a second bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve lepers here." The leper says "I understand," and leaves.
The leper goes to a third bar. He asks for a glass of water and the bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve lepers here."
"Look," says the leper, "I've been to two other bars already. I don't want to cause any problems. I just want a glass of water, then I'll leave."
The bartender feels sorry for the leper and tells him to have a seat over at the table in the corner. He brings the leper a glass of water, throws up, then walks away. A few minutes later, he comes back and refills the lepers cup, throws up, and leaves. A few minutes later, he comes back a third time and does the same thing. The leper says "look, if I'm making you sick I can just leave."
"No, it's not you," says the bartender, "it's the blind man beside you. He's dipping his Doritos in your arm."
This one will sometimes confuse people but I've learned the best setting of when to use it now and I have a pretty high laugh ratio for it.
It's actually pretty simple, if someone offers you say food or something no alcoholic, you say "no thanks I have to drive later." I've gotten quite a few laughs out of this and lots of girls giving the "haha you're stupid" line.
Two cowboys are sitting on a tailgate. Along comes a stray dog, lays down, and starts licking himself. One cowboy says to the other, โ Man I wish I could do that.โ The other cowboy responds, โThat dog will bite yoouuu.โ
An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldnโt come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help. The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first. They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch. Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Huโs feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere. Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water. Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond. โWhy didnโt you take Wilโs hand?โ he asked Hu. โYou could have drowned.โ โWhy should I take his hand now?โ Hu grumped. โI passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a hardware store to get some wood. Walks up to the counter and says "I need some 2x4's"
Guy behind the counter says "sure, how long do you need them?"
Guy says "Quite some time I'm building a shed"
I'm getting my funeral directing/embalming license. And away we go. You get buried with the paperwork. I'm a mourning person. I'm trying to bring back glass caskets but it remains to be seen. You can make a lot of money knowing where the bodies are buried. Embalming is draining work. I prefer the quiet types.
Anytime someone tells me to shut up, or even says it when Iโm around, I point up and say โthereโs nothing above me to shutโ never fails to get a chuckle
Three adventurers go out on their boat to discover a new land. A month into the journey a storm comes thru and destroys the boat and the rest of the crew. The three adventurers wash up on a Island the next morning. They are greeted by cannibals who have seen quite a few adventurers and have picked up English. They tie up the three and bring them deep into the forest. The cannibals tell the adventurers that if they want a chance of getting off this island they will need to complete a task. The chief of the cannibals says they must go out into the forest and collect tens of the same fruit and then come back to the village. They release one adventurer at a time until all three begin looking. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The chief then tells the adventurer he must shove all of them into his ass without reacting in any way possible. He agrees reluctantly and begins, 1... goes in...2... struggling.. 3BLAM HE SCREAMS IN PAIN and the cannibals kill him on the spot and drag him to the fire. The second man returns soon after and is told the same. But he brought grapes. So he begins, 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9......and the man begins laughing hysterically. The cannibals kill him and drag him to the fire. now in heaven the first adventurer asks the second why he laughed and stated he was so close to making it out. The second adventurer let's out a chuckle and says, "I saw the last guy... he found watermelons"
Q: A plane is flying with 100 bricks, but one fell out. How many are left?
A: 99
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
A: Open the door, put him in, close the door.
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
A: Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
Q: The lion had a birthday party and invited all the animals, but one couldn't come. Which one?
A: The giraffe, he was in the fridge.
Q: Sally swam through the swamp, but the crocodiles didn't eat her. Why not?
A: They were at the lion's birthday party.
Q: Sally died anyway. What happened to her?
A: A brick fell from the sky and hit her on the head.
stardos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Buckle up, this is a long one.
So it's Friday night at the synagogue and the Rabbi is giving his sermon and he looks to the back of the congregation and sees a young man with his head in his hands looking forlorn. After the service he approaches him and asks "Jonah, you look miserable, what's wrong?
"Oh Rabbi," responds Jonah, "I am 30 years old and still single. Every time I meet a woman and bring her home she's never good enough for my mother".
The Rabbi thinks for a moment and tugs on his beard and finally exclaims, "Jonah. I've got it. You need to find a woman who looks like your mother, talks like your mother and cooks like your mother. It's going to be alright." Jonah, feeling hopeful for the first time in years, was elated and promised the Rabbi to seek out such a woman.
A few weeks later, back at the congregation, the Rabbi is giving his sermon and again notices Jonah in the back, looking miserable with his hair all dishevelled. After the service he approaches him again.
"Jonah, what's wrong?" To which Jonah mournfully explains, "Oh Rabbi, I followed your advice to a tee: I met a woman who looks like my mother, who talks like my mother, who cooks like my mother, she even dresses like my mother!" The Rabbi, with a puzzled expression finally asked "so what's the problem then?", to which Jonah exclaimed, "my father doesn't like her!"
So, I work at Starbucks and when I am on the register occasionally people will ask for a dirty chai (a chai tea latte with espresso in it). I always, whether man or woman, ask in the most suggestive voice, โHow dirty do you want it?โ I always get a smile.
A pirate walks into a bar. Heโs got a peg leg and an eye patch, and also a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender say โhey man...is that a steering wheel in your pantsโ? The pirate says โAye! That it be.โ The bartender says โWhy is that there?โ And the pirate says โArrrgh! Itโs driving me nuts!โ
Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable if you let people guess too long..i often say the answer quicker than i would like, to be safe and not risk hearing some bad tasteless guesses.
This guy used to ride his horse to the pub. One day, when he was pissed as, his mates decided to play a joke on him by turning his saddle back-to-front. Next day, he rides back. "How was your ride home?" They asked. "Not too bad" he replied, "but some fucker chopped the head off my horse and I had to stick a finger in his windpipe to hold on!"
โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite letter?โ
wait for them to confidently say โArrr.โ
โAye, yeโd think it be Arrr, but me true love be the C.โ
An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.
"You were such a pious and holy man in life, " began St. Peter, "that as a reward you can make one request of me before leaving behind your worldly cares and entering heaven."
"Well," says the priest, "I'd like to read the original manuscript of the Bible."
Even more impressed now than before, St. Peter grants the request and takes the priest to God's own private library, before leaving him to his studies.
Shortly afterward, the priest lets out an unholy shriek. St. Peter rushes into the library and asks, "what is it? What's wrong?!"
And through gritted teeth and streams of tears the priest cried out: "Celebrate! It says celebrate, not celibate!"
"I see", said the blind man to the deaf dog as the man with no legs ran by.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad, a guitar player, taught me this one. Not always a big success but its the first one that pops into my head.
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What is a dentist's favorite time of day? Tooth Hurty.
Or the one about hell having air conditioning because an engineer got sent to hell by mistake and god wants to sue the devil but where will he find a lawyer in heaven?
I brought my German Shepherd to the Vet the other day as he wasnโt eating, the Vet turned to me and said โIโm sorry, but Iโll have to put him down.โ
My hot 18 year old neighbor just got this tattoo of a butterfly on her chest. Doesnโt she know how stupid thatโs gonna look some day. All stretched out. Over my lamp.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish!
dorkmax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I sneeze, someone will say "God bless you" and I'll say either "Oh, He does" all snarky, or "Doesn't matter, I'm going to Hell anyway". For some reason this works on women more, but its great at disarming.
"Schindler's list 2: Schindler's pissed" and then make shitty reenactments of really exaggerated versions of movie cliches. Such as deep voice narrations like "He's making a list, checking it twice. Gonna find out who's Nazi or nice" then spin in a circle whilst making fingr guns.
Hope this was funny.
El_Guap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What disappoints a horny pirate the most?
A sunken chest with no bootie!
Aelwryn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which is heavier - a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? It's the feathers. The bricks are just bricks, but the feathers you have to live with the weight of what you did to all those birds.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
In the racetrack stable there was an old racehorse about to retire, a young racehorse in his prime and the old stable dog, all standing around the night before a big race.
The old horse asked the young horse "Boy, tomorrow's my last race, and I know that you're in your prime and trying to make a name for yourself but I have an enormous favor to ask of you. If I win the race tomorrow I think that my record will speak for itself and I can retire to a nice comfortable farm to live out the rest of my days, but if I lose I fear that it's off to the glue factory. I think even in my old age I can give a lot of the other young'ns a run for their money but even on my best day I don't know that I could hold a candle to you. Would you be willing to take it easy on the final stretch to let me have on last brush with glory?"
Moved by the old stallion's plea, the young colt thinks on this for a few moments before carefully responding "I understand your fear, but I have an untarnished record. I could very well go on to win the triple crown if I maintain that record. If I lose this early in my career to an old horse knocking on retirement's door who knows what the future will hold. I could be moved out of the main events or even pulled altogether. I can't do it old man, I'm sorry."
Hearing this, the old stable dog speaks up to the colt "I can't believe you'd be so heartless to put your record up against the potential life of this horse, to whom you owe a lot of your familiarity with the sport. You should be ashamed of yourself and learn to respect your elders."
The younger horse slowly looked to his older friend and asked him "Holy shit, did that dog just talk?"
I can't believe how rude people can be. Just the other day I was riding the bus and a woman got in with a baby carrier, the bus driver didn't waste any time to tell her that she had the ugliest baby he'd ever seen in his entire life. The woman, clearly taken aback, was rendered speechless, she paid her fare and went to sit besides me. After a few moments she turns at me, tears of humiliation in her eyes and asks me:
"Can you believe how rude the driver was?"
"It was awful", I said. Then I added, "you shouldn't just let that slide, you know? That's why they think they can get away with anything, nobody confronts them".
"Do you really think I should go over there and tell him off?" she asked. She clearly wanted to say something to the driver, but was very hesitant.
"Definitely!" I told her. Then, wanting to be helpful, pointing to the baby carrier I said, "here, you go tell that guy off, I'll hold your monkey".
Yes, I heard that one more recently on Jake and Amir, but I suspect it predates that web show. In any case, it's pretty good if you can sell everything up to the punchline as a personal anecdote. I also love it because it perfectly translates to Spanish.
How do you catch a brown bear?
First you have to dig a hole but itโs got to be a big hole because you are going to fit a brown bear in it.
Next you have to start a fire inside the hole. When the fire dies completely out you take the ashes from that fire and spread them all around the inside of the hole.
Last you need to get a can of peas. Use the peas to line the outside of the hole with peas.
Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you'll see later the other you'll see in awhile.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to do one where Iโm telling a story about when someone did something embarrassing when they were little (like pooping their pants or throwing a tantrum or something) and then I finish it up with something like, โit was just really tough because then he had to go work on his thesis...โ
When I met my now father-in-law, I found out thatโs also his go-to joke, and thatโs when I knew Iโd fit in well in the family.
If I know that the crowd is okay for under-the-belt jokes, I go with this one. Once I know everybody is ok with the genre, its non-stop barrage from me.
NSFW: An old man in a rural county gets to a hundred years old. Local TV newsperson goes to interview the old man.
Mr. Johnson, you turn a hundre this week. You lived a full life, you saw a few scientific breakthroughs come to fruition: man on the moon, tv, electricity, internet even...What is your fondest memory?
The old man thinks...
I remember...In 1954. Walker's second daughter got lost in the woods. All the town's men went on a search for her, and when she was found near the river, every single one of us took our turn!!!!
Cut! Cut! Said the reporter. We can't air that...Mr. Johnson, you are the oldest person in town. Must makes you happy, no? So...What is your second best memory?
I remember...in 1943. Smith's wife got lost in the woods and all the town's men went looking for her. When we found her at the end of James's cornfield, all the town's men got their go with her!!!
No CUT CUT! Shouted the reporter. I need to find another angle...Mr. Johnson, you were born in 1918, lived through the Great Depression, World War II, you've buried 3 of your kids, your wife, even one grand-kid. What's the saddest memory you can think of?
Oh....I remember, back in 1936! I got lost in the woods...
daelite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
scsm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are hanging out in a field, one cow asks the other cow, "have you heard about this mad cow disease?" to which the other cow replies, "yeah I'm glad I'm a tractor."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The classic Jimmy Carr joke.
For just ten cents a day you can buy a mosquito for a child in Africa and prevent millions of mosquitos of dying needlessly of AIDS
So, high school band director. I work with the theater department, do a lot of live sound and recording, and my students always take a long time to set up, so I have AMPLE opportunity for this home, and itโs the first thing I EVER say into a microphone.
I used to be in a band and we had a polish roadie.
We had a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.
[Whilst laughing because Iโm the only one who thinks itโs funny and everyone else has heard it a thousand times already TODAY]: A Czech one too.
There were 3 guys who could only say one pair of words for a whole year. The first guy says โI did it.โ The second guy says โforks and knives.โ The third guy says โplug it in.โ
There was a murder in town. A police officer drives up to these three guys and says to them, โhey guys. There was a murder here in town. Do you guys know anything?โ The first guy says โI did it!โ The officer asks, โhow did you do it?โ The second guy says โforks and knives.โ The officer says โalright. Off to the electric chair!โ The third guy says, โplug it in, plug it in.โ
One day this guy comes home from school and tells his mom about his day. He says "mom, mom, today we did numbers and every could count to 10, but I could only get to 3, why is that?"
She looks at him and she says "well son, its because your black."
The next day he comes home from school and says "mom mom today we did the alphabet and everyone else got all the way to z, but I only got to H, why is that?."
One again she looks at him and says "Well son, its because your black."
The next day he comes home from school and tells his mom about his day. He say "mom, mom, today we had gym and afterwards we all had to shower together. My weiner is way bigger than the other boys, is it because I'm black?" She says "No, Tyrone.. its because your 25."
I've started collecting watches whenever something important or special happens in my life. I saw a complete solar eclipse recently and took a long roadtrip with a friend to see it, and got a watch engraved to commemorate it.
I explain that to people, and then say "and by the end of my life I'll have like 2 watches".
The other day I was with my daughter outside Chick-Fil-A and we saw some people with colorful hair protesting. My daughter turned to me and said, "daddy, who are those people, and why are they marching in a circle with signs?" I replied, "honey, those are democrats, and they're protesting Chick-Fil-A because of their company's beliefs"
She said to me, "when I grow up, I want to be a democrat!"
I said, "pick one, sweetie, because you can't do both!"
Timmeh7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grizzled-looking pirate is sitting alone in a bar, drinking heavily. Heโd clearly lived a tough life - sporting a peg leg, eye patch and hook for a hand. The barman, a lover of stories approached and offered him free drinks all night in exchange for his best pirate tales.
The pirate gleefully tells the epic tale of his lost leg - a vicious sword fight against a naval officer over a pile of treasure, recounting each riposte, twist, turn, the moment his leg was almost severed and the instant he turned the fight around and ran his adversary through, taking the treasure at the cost of his leg.
โAmazing! Tell me more!โ
Next, he told the tale of how heโd lost his hand. Captured by enemy pirates, forced to walk the plank, ending in a fight to the death with a shark - he killed the beast with a knife heโd secreted in his shoe, but losing his hand to its jaws. Then, seeing only vengeance, he clung to the enemy ship, climbed back aboard during the night, slit the officersโ throats while they slept and convinced the crew to follow him, taking the ship as his own.
โJust incredible! So what about the eye patch?โ
The pirate suddenly became a little sheepish.
โWell... I was standing on the deck of me new ship when... well, a seagull shit in me eye.โ
โWhat?! Did it become infected or something?...โ
โNo... look, it was me first day with the hook!โ
Ask somebody: โDid you know that rabbits die after having sex?โ
Usually they respond with โno way?โ Or โthat canโt be trueโ
You respond: โWell the one I fucked did.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a fancy restaurant and is stopped by the maitre d
โSir, this is a suit and tie establishment, I cannot grant you entry as you are not properly dressedโ
The man goes outside to his car and finds a jacket in the back seat. He puts it on and goes back inside
Maitre d stops him again. โSir, I see you have managed a coat, but, as I said, this is a suit and TIE establishment and a cannot make exception.โ
The man goes back to his car. He digs around and looks everywhere but only finds a pair of jumper cables in the trunk. He twists them around his neck into a shoe-string bow tie and walks back into the restaurant.
Maitre d looks at him and says โVery well. Iโll let you in, but donโt you start nothingโ
kelxion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I only said this once, but i have a friend that loses her shit with it: What's more expensive than a lobster? (answer): TWO lobsters.
A man is at the bar after work on his birthday and he finally says to his buddies โalright I have to go home to my wife nowโ so he goes home and his wife is lying naked on his bed with handcuffs. The wife says to him, โchain me up and do whatever you wantโ so he handcuffs her to the bed and goes back to the bar with his buddies.
Apologies for making a not-joke a top level comment but I will be saving this page for use on my Tinder... though one could say my Tinder game is the biggest joke of all.
When I'm out to eat and the waitress asks if I want a box.....
I tell her "I dont fight women" -OR- "thats a little harsh...just because I left food you want to fight"-OR- "I dont fight ladys but I dont mint you hitting on me."
Whenever Iโm talking to a cute girl I always tell them some variation of โmy mom tells me Iโm a catchโ or โmy mom says Iโm very handsome.โ Gets a laugh every time.
Though not exactly a joke per se, over the past year, Iโve gotten a lot of play out of โWell, I wouldnโt vote for Trump again...โ
Iโm not super loud politically, but people that I know are pretty aware that he was not the sort of candidate Iโd ever vote for. I catch people wondering if Iโm being serious for a second.
Church of England priests are all athiests. Goes along the lines of 'there are two types of priest in CoE, reformists and traditionalists. The traditionalists don't think there's a god while the reformists know there isn't a god.
It, coincidentally, is also my favourite subgenre of joke. I don't care if you don't find it funny. I do.
Copy and pasted from a now-deleted user, but it's one of my favorites. It's long but I have yet to have it fail.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.
An englishmen, a Frenchmen, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street magician. The magician asks if everyone can see him, and they reply "Yes," "Oui," "Si," "Ja,"
So two muffins are sitting in an oven and the first muffin says to the other one "boy, it sure is getting hot in here," and the second one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
A bored cop sleeping in his cruiser along an empty stretch of highway awakes to the sound of an engine roaring past him. He jolts into action and finally catches up, and pulls the young gearhead over.
Anytime anyone has to show me how to do something I ask them to teach me like Patrick Swayze in ghost. Like anyone in any situation. My boss, grandparents, girlfriends dad etc. Always gets a laugh because it's a little risquรฉ but not actually in appropriate
There was a boy who wanted to ask this girl to Prom. He decided that heโd better get some flowers, but because it was Prom season there was along line at the flower store. Really long. He waited and waited and eventually he got in and got the very last bouquet. With that in hand, he asked the girl and she said yes! Now he needed to rent a tux, but because it was Prom season the line was long to get measured. Really long. Eventually he gets into the store and they order for him the last tuxedo they have in their catalog. Finally, to make the night really special, he orders a limousine, but because it was Prom season there was a long waiting line to get one. Really long. Eventually he is able to order the very last limo and heโs very excited. The night is going to be perfect! And it was! The couple was having a lovely time at the Prom. They got their photos taken and decided to hit the dance floor. After a while, his date starts to get thirsty and so she asks him to get get her some punch. There is no punch line.
I want a 100$ bill tattooed on my penis.
Because it is always nice to always have money on you. It is always nice to see money grow. And i can give my wife some money when she asks for it.
jcpmojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A big, burly biker-looking dude walks into a bar, walks up to the middle of the bar, and orders a shot of whiskey. He lifts it up, looks to his right and says, "Everyone on my right is a cock sucker!" He downs the shot, and nobody says anything. He orders another shot, looks to his left and says, "Everyone on my left is a mother fucker!" Just as he raises the shot to drink it, he notices a little guy on his left walking towards him. "You got a problem with that?" The little guy says meekly, "No, I'm just on the wrong side."
Orinaj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone ask "What's up?" I always answer "A direction?" in the same tone.
The funniest result was one day when I did this the girl I said it to turn beet-red walked up to me and asked "What did you just say?" I told her and she got a relieved look on her face and said "Oh I thought you said erection."
Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The three friends agree that this is their chance to make it big and decide to go together to find this treasure.
After searching for months deep in the jungle, they come across a cave that they are certain contains the treasure. There are many traps within the cave: poisoned arrows, moats of crocodiles, pits of fire, and rolling boulders, but the three friends are determined to get their wealth. Finally, they reach the deepest part of the cave and it is filled with treasure: gold, diamonds, rubies, and more! In the center of the cave is a large sepulchre with the words of a strange language written across it and depictions of death and suffering all along its sides. The three friends paid it no heed and proceeded to fill their pockets and backpacks with treasure. Suddenly the door of the sepulchre burst open and a black, decrepit coffin floated out. From out of the coffin arose a rotting hand holding a large ceremonial dagger. The coffin slowly came towards Gary, Dan, and Job, the hand stabbing at the air as it went. The men let out a shriek, grabbed their bags full of treasure, and ran from the cave.
Years passed and the three men had enjoyed their newfound wealth, each buying his own luxurious mansion, servants, cars, and whatever they desired. One day, as Gary was staring out of his mansion window, he noticed something on the horizon. It was that coffin with the dreadful hand still stabbing at air, and it was slowly floating toward his home. Gary shouted for the butlers to bar the doors and Gary grabbed his prized elephant gun. The doors didn't stop the coffin though, it plodded right through. Gary shot frantically, but the bullets didn't affect the coffin at all. The coffin stabbed Gary, and the life faded quickly from his eyes.
Dan heard about Gary's death and feared for his own life, so he hired many trained mercenaries as guards to protect him. Soon enough, Dan saw the coffin coming for his luxurious mansion and sounded the alarm. The guards locked all of the doors and opened fire on the coffin, but it didn't stop! Grenades, machine guns, RPGs, none of it could stop the coffin. The guards, seeing the vanity of their efforts, fled in terror. Dan begged and begged for the coffin to stop, but it kept coming. The coffin stabbed Dan right in the heart, and the man fell to the ground lifeless, the white marble floor of his manor now marred by streaks of crimson.
Job, of course, heard of the deaths of his two friends and feared the coffin. He built a large wall of iron around his house, he hired guards, planted landmines, and set traps (he had the money to do so, afterall). When the coffin came, none of it helped. The coffin plowed through the wall, floated over the landmines, was unaffected by the traps, and overpowered the guards. The coffin busted down Job's mansion doors and began making it's way toward him. Job, desperate, began throwing anything he could grab at the coffin: dining room chairs, knives, forks, and even his pet cat (poor Mr. Whiskers!), but the coffin didn't stop. Job fled to his bathroom, hoping the coffin couldn't find him there, but he soon heard the swish of air from the swinging of the coffin's dagger. Before Job could attempt to flee again, the door came crashing down. In one final attempt to save his life, Job opened the bathroom medicine cabinet and threw a package of Halls extra strength lozenges, and the coffin stopped.
Lets you know how bright the person your telling it to is as well.
Spud999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two women are at a perfume counter in a store. The assistant says "this is a new perfume called 'venir ร moi' which is French for 'come to me', would you care to try it?"
She sprays a small sample for both women. They take in the smell for a moment.
The first one woman turns to the second and says "Hmmm, it doesn't smell like cum to me, does it smell like cum to you?"
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony to smoke a cigarrette, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, in his gym shorts 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started kicking at him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell onto a big awning and bounced into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, and pushed the fridge out onto the balcony and over the railing where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, my wife had moved around her potted plants and this morning I must have tripped over one or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started screaming and kicking at me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but by the grace of god, I fell onto and awning and bounced into some bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside this refrigerator..."
This one always makes me laugh. Probably because I like dogs and stupid jokes. Sorry if I am not telling it the right way.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he is drinking his beer he looks around the bar and sees a bunch of guys playing poker. He also notices a dog sitting at the table. The guy orders a second beer and keeps watching the guys playing poker. He then realizes the dog is playing poker with them !
He walks over and says "Wow, is that dog playing poker with you guys?"
One of the players says "Yep".
The guys says "That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!"
The player says "Not really, he wags his tail whenever he gets good cards."
schtvr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty niche, but if someone talks about having a son and a daughter I always say "collect all two". It has slayed every time. Like way more than it deserves.
What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.
_Tibs_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask someone really enthusiastically if they like something that you like. Then when they say no just be like oh ya me either. I swear on my life people laugh the first time every time. Example:
โYea thatโs a good TV show. Hey have you seen breaking bad!?โ :D
Pilot, priest, little boy, and the smartest man in the world on an airplane. Pilot comes out, says this airplane is going down, 3 parachutes for 4 people, someone won't make it and it's not going to be him. He jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Smartest man in the world explains he's the smartest man in the world, the world will simply not be alright without him, he can't die, grabs one and jumps out.
Priest turns to the little boy and tells him he's had a full, happy life and the boy's is just beginning, you take the last parachute.
Boy says, "We can both have one. The smartest man in the world just jumped out wearing my backpack."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo mama so old she's got a separate entrance for black dicks
(The delivery on this joke has to make it seem like an amazing one)
SO, two giraffes walk into a bar and one falls over, the bartender says whats tgat lyin' there the other giraffe says thats not a lion, it's a giraffe
Calls friend on phone : what hangs down and has a little dick ?
Friend: idk what ?
Me: A bat
Me: What has a big dick and hangs up ?
Friend: idk what ?
Me: hangs up phone on friend
Bum dum Tis!
Stolen from a comedian , i canโt remember his name at this time but if someone knows please credit .
A horse walks into the bar looking sad.
Bartender: what's wrong horsie?
Horse: do you see that dog by the door, licking his balls?
Bartender: uhh.. Yeah?
Horse: well... I wish I could do that.
The bartender looks the horse up and down and asks; "well, why can't you?"
Horse: Well first of all I don't even know him.
Two fish were in a tank.
One said to the other:
โYou man the guns, Iโll drive.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counterclockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."
POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
...We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it! we on Pluto!", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies!!
You know whats interesting?
so whenever a guy sleeps with a lot of different women heโs called a stud, player, legend or something of the sorts.
But when a woman sleeps with a lot of different men, sheโs called your mom.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Remember when you were young, and you thought your dad was superman? Then you got older and realized he's just a drunk guy in a cape.
Usually followed by what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea, what do you call a deer with no eyes which just has itโs legs cut off? Still no bloody idea? And occasionally what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs having sex? Still no fucking idea
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"
Pirate looks at him and says, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts"
Kynast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me:"What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?"
Friend(s): Wut is it
Me:"You can drop her off anywhere."
Friend(s): die of wheezing laughter cause we're high as fuck
Lefice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my dad's:
Have you heard of the corduroy pillowcase?
It's making head lines.
So there are these two muffins, sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and asks โIs it just me, or is it getting warmer in here?โ The second muffin turns to his friend and squeaks โHoly shit a talking muffin!โ
The squeaky second muffin voice is part of the charm, and Iโve had excellent results from all ages - just replace the expletive with something age-appropriate and youโre golden.
I always found this joke I made great . One of the reason is I work at Office Depot so all my employees love it when they are feeling under the weather.
What do you call a dry erase marker with the cap off?
Exposed!
Just saying Sayings in times they don't fit. Like "when in Rome... " while noone is doing anything important. Or "like my daddy used to say..." and just leave the room
Nonzi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a summer camp for kids with ADHD? A concentration camp
A man walks into a psychiatristโs office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. He says โOh god doc, youโve gotta help me!โ The doctor takes one look at him and says โWell, I can clearly see ur nutsโ
m1lgram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bird go to the doctor?
To get tweetment.
k3pr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender looks at him and asks โawww. What a cute guy! Where did you get him?โ The frog looks back at the bartender and says โBROOKLYN! There are millions of em!โ
It depends on whom I'm trying to avoid failing, butโฆ
See, there were these two horses. They grew up in the same barn, they ate the same hay- they were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do.
One day, a big series of races came up, and the second horse walked over to the first horse and said, "Hey, man- I need you to do me a huge favor. You always beat me by just a little bit, and, well, my owner is threatening to send me off to the glue factory if I don't win at least one race today. I mean, we grew up in the same barn, ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. You gotta help me out man!"
The first horse replied, "Of course I'll help you! I mean, we grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. I promise, you'll win the first race."
Well, it comes around time to run the first race, and the horses line up at the gate. The gate goes up, the gun goes off, and they're a here and a there and a here and a there and the first horse wins!
The second horse comes over and says, "Hey, I thought you were going to let me win that one. I mean, we grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do."
The first horse apologizes. "I was just so excited, with the gate, the gun, the here, the there. I'm so sorry. We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. I promise, you'll win the second race."
So the horses line up at the gate for the second race. The gate goes up, the gun goes off, and they're a here and a there and a here and a there and the first horse wins, AGAIN!
Now, the second horse is getting a little upset. He storms over and shouts at the first horse, "We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. I thought we had a deal! I thought we were friends!"
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," the first horse said. "It was just, the jockey was whipping my ass so hard, and there was this cute filly in the stable I was showing off for, and- I'm so sorry. We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do, and you know I'd do anything for you. I promise, you'll win this last race."
"I'd better."
So the horses line up at the gate for the third and final race. The gate goes up, the gun goes off, and they're a here and a there and a here and a there and the first horse wins, AGAIN!
The second horse has had it. He storms over into the Winner's Circle and punches the first horse. "We grew up in the same barn! We ate the same hay! We were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do! This is what I get for years of friendship? Well screw you too!" And the second horse jumps into his Mustang convertible and drives off.
"Oh no!" cries the first horse. "My best friend! We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do! I've got to do something!" And he leaps into his fuel-efficient hybrid and goes tearing off after the second horse.
Their manager the dog shouts out, "Stop! No! Those were my two best horses! They grew up in the same barn, they ate the same hay, they were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do! I have to stop them." He leaps into his Greyhound bus and peals out after them.
And they're a here and a there and a here and a there and a here and the second horse is running out of gas. So he pulls his Mustang convertible off to the side of the road and leaps out. He bolts for a nearby cliff to end it all. The first horse leaps out of his fuel-efficient hybrid and chases after him. And they start fighting at the edge of the cliff. "We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do!" the first horse yells. "I can't let you do this."
The Greyhound bus screeches to a halt and the dog leaps out. "Stop the insanity!" he screams.
The two horses stop fighting, in shock. The first horse turns to the second and says, "Hey look, a talking dog."
Whenever I see a dog I say โthatโs a big catโ
Whenever I see a horse I say โthatโs a big dogโ
And whenever I see a cat I says โthatโs a small dogโ
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his pants. Bartender asks "what's with the steering wheel?" Pairate says ( in your best pirate voice ) "aarrgh! I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!"
Giraffe and a zoo keeper walk into a bar. They both get drunk and the giraffe passes out. Zoo keeper starts to leave when the bartender tells him "hey, you cant leave that lyin' there" the zoo keeper says "thats not a lion, its a giraffe"
My other one: A drum set falls down a mountain. BA DUM TSSS!
Me: I have a knock knock Joke, but you have to start me out.
Them: Knock knock?
Me:Whoโs there?
btfx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Russian, this is my go-to joke on the subject:
Russian man in America goes into a cafe and gets a cup of tea.
At the end the waiter brings the check and asks:
โ "Sir, are you Russian?"
โ "Yes! How did you know?"
โ "You didn't take the spoon out of your tea."
The man is intrigued, so the next day he goes to a different cafe:
โ "Sir, are you Russian?"
โ "Yes! How did you know? I took the spoon out of my tea."
โ "Yes, but you would squint with one eye every time you took a sip."
The third day the man is determined, but the same thing happens!
โ "Sir, are you Russian?"
The man is visibly upset:
โ "How did you know!? I took the spoon out of my tea! I did not squint when I drank from my cup! How could you tell that I am Russian!?"
The waiter calmly replies:
โ "Sir, when you took the spoon out of your tea, you placed it in your pocket."
btfx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
- If you give me a suck6 , I'll uproot the whole damn7 forest.
1Vasilisa the Beautiful - a female protagonist of a children's story, and a common stand-in for either a heroic girl, or a generic trophy girl - sometimes a princess and heiress to the throne. 2Ilya Muromets - a folk hero from several old poems, and common generic heroic stand-in. 3 Actually "subtle cliff", but the point is they're overlooking woods. 4 The version I heard uses "uproot" but this text says "break".
5 It's actually a 3-iteration joke, with the 2nd iteration being "what about an oak?" - "[Sure], an oak too I will break!", but the version I heard goes straight to the punchline. 6"ัะพัะฝั" is the subject form8 of "ัะพัะฝะฐ" which means pine tree, but it's also the future first-person form9 of "to suck momentarily". 7 He doesn't say "damn", but his word choice for "break" suggests that he will be strongly motivated and do it recklessly. 8 Technically: "accusative singular" 9 Technically: "first-person singular future indicative perfective"
One fish looks to the other and says, โDo you know how to drive this thing?โ
Jclew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bus full of Catholic school girls crashes. They all die.
They are in line at the pearly gates.
St Peter says, "Sally, have you ever touched a penis?" Sally says, "Yes. But just once! With this finger." St Peter asks her to dip the finger in the holy water and proceed through the gates.
"Come forward Nicole, same question," says St peter. Nicole responds, "Yes, with both hands!" She is then asked to wash them in the holy water and pass through, into heaven.
All of a sudden there is a huge commotion and a girl shoves her way to the front. St Peter remarks, "there is no hurry Sandra, we have all of eternity." A very desperate Sandra replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that water then I'm sure as hell going to get it over with before Betsy here dips her ass in it!"
In the national poetry finals, the last 2 contestants are a Harvard educated english professor and a redneck! Their task is to create a 4 line poem containing the word timbuktu!
Each contestant is given a couple of minutes to think of a poem and then the professor goes first.
"Slowly across the desert sand
Rode a lonely caravan
Men on camels 2 by 2
Destination timbuktu"
Nobody thought he could be beat until the redneck stepped up to the mic
"Now me and tim a' huntin went
Found three women in a pop up tent
Now they was 3 and we was 2
So i bucked one and tim bucked two"
The redneck won
WeRip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks to the other muffin and says "holy shit! It's hot in here!" The other muffin looks at the first muffin and says "holy shit! A talking muffin!"
What if you woke up one day to find out your nipples were completely gone like no scars.
Just flat skin, and then once you leave your room you find out your Dad died last night.
Several days later you find out your entire life he had been sneaking into your room
while you slept and sucking on your chest to make two gigantic hickeys where your nipples should be because you were born without them. Not for any sexual reason just so you would fit in.
-God bless you Dad.
Xikiri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician was finishing up a show, before his last trick he goes off into the back to prepare for his final stunt. At this time his assistant takes the stage and tells the audience, "for his final trick, the Mexican magician will disappear on the count of three" the magician takes the stage and looks out to the crowd, he then says "uno, dos" and then poof, he disappeared without a tres!
Two guys are in the break room at work, when one starts to laugh to himself.
"What's so funny?" the coworker asks.
"Oh, last night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the peas, and instead I said what I was thinking, which was 'Can we have sex please?'" he replied.
The other guy chuckled and replied, "I did the same thing last night, I went to ask my wife to pass the salt, but what accidentally came out was, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life!'"
A lizard walks through the jungle. Suddenly, the lizard begins to smell something. He looks up, and a monkey is smoking weed in a tree.
"Hey Monkey Man... You have any weed to share?," asked the lizard.
"Sure thing buddy. Come on up," replied the monkey.
So the lizard climbed the tree and began to smoke with the monkey. After a while, the lizard began to cough uncontrollably.
"You alright?," the monkey asked.
"Yeah...," replied the lizard. "I just have a case of dry mouth."
"Well there is a water hole nearby."
The lizard nodded and climbed out of the tree. He eventually found his way to the water hole, and began to drink. As he did so, an alligator crawled out of the water.
The alligator sniffed the air and then asked, "What is that smell?"
"There is a monkey in a tree smoking weed. You should check it out," suggested the lizard.
The alligator shrugged, and headed into the jungle. Upon finding the monkey in the tree he said, "Hey Monkye Man.... Got any left?"
The monkey looked down and said, "Of course I..... Holy Hell! How much water did you drink?"
Haha Yeah, this joke used to kill. It's the only one I know so I tell everyone all the time so it's ironic and people still laugh. I got it off the TV when radio Disney had a channel with music and a radio talk show kids would call in to.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish in the tank say to the other fish in the tank?
"Hey...how do you drive this thing?"
Nvj5497 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
clemoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
So this Texan goes to a bar in Dublin and says "I will pay $500 to anyone that can drink 50 Guinness' in a row". So Paddy gets up and leaves the pub. Comes back an hour later and says, "Ill take that bet" and proceeds to drink 50 pints of Guinness in a row. Afterwards the Texan asks him "why did you leave and come back?". Padstow says "I had to go home and see if I could do it first.
Skrap93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me:Oh my god did you hear about that boy born with no eyelids?
Them: what oh no thatโs awful.
Me: oh no itโs on the doctors were able to take his fore skin and make some. Heโs gonna be ok just a little cockeyed. Sorry for formatting Iโm on mobile. Someone can steal this and make it better for the people.
Pengoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
While pouring the beer, the bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you here...."
Grasshopper says "No shit. You have a drink named Stanley ?"
It's gotten to the point that I only have to say "Grasshopper walks into a bar..." and my wife cracks up. Not sure what that's about.
A man walks up to a pirate and sees a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
Man: Sir do you realize that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants??
Pirate: YARRR and it's drivin me nuts!
A man leaves his belongings and joins a buddhist monastery. He vows silence but may speak once every ten years.
Ten years pass and the head monk asks him how is his life. The man says โgood, food could be betterโ and returns to silence.
Another ten years pass and again the head monk asks how life is. โFine, but the beds could be softerโ and returns to silence.
Ten years pass. The head monk returns to the man and the man saysโ itโs been nice, but Iโm going to quit the monk lifeโ. The head monk responds โ Iโm not supposed, all youโve done is complain since you got hereโ
Scizmz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Random: Hey you're funny!
Me: Yeah but looks aren't everything! Don't be so judgmental!
Fethah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helen Keller went to town a-riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it shmerfpurghrerdjs.
Blu64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper looks at him puzzled and says "you have a drink named bob?"
Little Johnny is playing in his room when BANG! a time machine appears. A guy steps out and says ' Hey little Johnny! I'm you from the future!' Little Johnny says 'That's awesome! I always wanted to know - what do I grow up to become?'
Older Johnny locks the door and says 'A pedophile!'
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?"
To which the pirate responds, "Arrr, 'tis drivin' me nuts!"
DEL1SLE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says:
โHow the fuck do you drive this thing?โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Polar bear walks into a bar.
Bartender says, " What can I get ya?"
Polar bear says, " I'll have a.................beer."
Bartender looks at him funny, pours a beer, and asks, "why the big pause?"
Polar bear holds up his paws and says, "I dunno I've had 'em my whole life."
Hear about the fire at the circus?
It was intents!
When ever someone comments on how different my ID pic is to me now (cut off 10 inches + of hair) I say โyeah I figured I could lose a few lbsโ. Usually gets a soft chuckle at the least.
The important part here is the delivery. It's got to be told like a story, so whoever youre telling doesn't know the joke is coming.
So I saw my buddy I was out drinking with last night, and he told me he needs to cut back on his drinking. I asked him why, and he said "man, I threw up chunks last night." I said "hey man, don't worry about it it happens to all of us sometimes." he said "no man you don't understand.."
So three moles go to IHOP.
The first mole pops out of the ground, sniffs around, and goes, sniff sniff โmmm I smell pancakes!โ
The second moles pops out of the ground, sniffs around, and goes, sniff sniff โmmm I smell bacon!โ
The third mole pops out of the ground, sniffs around, and goes, sniff sniff โall I smell is mole-asses!โ
I cry laughing every time. Nobody else does.
_chkm8_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a rhinoceros?
riyor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to at work is when someone comes up and says excuse me I have a question, to which I immediately reply with just Abraham Lincoln. It's never the answer, but I hope one day it will.
ogdonut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My 2 favorite are from Two and a Half Men
Two muffins are in the oven. The one looks to the other and says "Boy it's hot in here", the other yells "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"
What's green, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A Pool Table
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know your at a gay picnic?
All the hotdogs smell like shit .
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar and get really drunk. The giraffe passes out and the guy gets up to leave. The bartender says, โyou canโt leave that lyinโ there.โ The guy says, โthatโs not a lion, thatโs a giraffe.โ
Two guys are installing shingles on a roof, and one keeps tossing nails over his shoulder on to the ground below.
His partner asks โWhat are you doing, those are perfectly good nails!โ
The first guy replies โnuh uh, they were facing the wrong way!โ
Shaking his head in disbelief, the second roofer says โYouโre so dumb I canโt believe it sometimes. Youโre supposed to save those for the other side of the roof!โ
Whenever there is a conversation about a measurement... How could you expect me to know the the answer when all my life I've been told by men that this (holds my index finger and thumb apart 3") equals 9 inches.
Have some friends over to drink some wine. Get some babybel cheese. Once everyone is a bottle or so deep, you come out and start tossing cheese to everyone while you sing...
โWhatโs Garfieldโs most prominent feature?โ Stay completely silent as they undoubtedly guess โlikes lasagnaโ and โhates Mondaysโ and even for a little while after. Continue until they become confused and just look them dead in the eyes and say โThe long paws.โ
As well as โEveryone knows Daveโ. Thanks Reddit! Another Redditor also made a second โEveryone knows Daveโ joke that I like to tell as well. Itโs almost like a part two to โEveryone knows Daveโ. Thanks again Reddit!
All three of these joke always either land wonderfully or get me annoyed/entertained groans, which is usually what Iโm going for.
I made this up in response to a past ex. โYou know, mama always told me there are two people in life you should never deal with. The devil, and thots, and after enough time Iโm beginning to think theyโre the same thing.โ
I donโt think itโs that funny but it consistently gets lots of laughs when I say it.
Two gay guys are standing at a corner and they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, โI wish I could do thatโ and the other guy says, โwell, if you pet him, maybe heโll let you.โ
A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, โWhatโs that steering wheel doing in your pants?โ And the pirate saysโ Arrrr itโs drivinโ me nuts!โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I only use it when someone says something I donโt like, and itโs ding dong your answer is wrong. But hippity hoppity get of my property is good too.
X-lem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fish runs into a wall, shocked he screams "dam!"
What's the best part of Missouri? The middle, because no matter what direction you head you are leaving.
A family of moles wakes up in the morning. Father sticks his head out of the hole "I smell fresh blueberries", momma mole goes next "I smell fresh rhubarb", the kid mole goes last. "I smell fresh molasses"
skrazy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are the two sexiest animals in the barn? Brown-Chicken-Brown-Cow
scsehr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon time in a land far, far away lived three Cheerio worlds: Perfect Cheerio World, Mediocre Cheerio World, and Non-perfect Cheerio World. Anybody who was anybody wanted to reside in Perfect Cheerio World, but unfortunately only the lucky few got the honor of living in Perfect Cheerio World. In Non-perfect Cheerio World there was a Cheerio named Joe. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was a regular person just like you and me. Day in and day out though he wished for a better world to live in. He believed he deserved the chance to experience Perfect Cheerio World because he worked his Cheerio butt off 24/7.
One night when Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was on his way home from work, a Cheerio Genie visited him. The Cheerio Genie had noticed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe's constant dedication to his job, friends, and family and thought that he deserved a little loving himself. The Cheerio Genie allowed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe to have one wish. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe wished that he could go to Perfect Cheerio World for a day. The Cheerio Genie, being the good cheerio that he is, granted Non-perfect Cheerio Joe his wish.
Come Saturday morning after a long week at the office, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe awoke in a place unfamiliar to him. He knew immediately that he was in Perfect Cheerio World. A Perfect Cheerio soon approached him. Oh how Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was envious of this cheerio. He wasnโt cracked or broken and looked like he had taken a nice dip in Skim Milk. A world with Skim Milk? Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was jealous, thatโs for sure. The Perfect Cheerio introduced himself and coincidentally his name was Joe as well. What are the odds?
Perfect Cheerio Joe started to tell Non-perfect Cheerio Joe about all the fun and exciting things that Perfect Cheerio World has to offer. Perfect Cheerio Joe offered to be Non-perfect Cheerio Joeโs tour guide for the day. โFirst things first,โ Perfect Cheerio Joe said, โWe must go get some breakfast!โ
Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Joe walked into a little cafรฉ and went to the front of the line. The cashier politely told them that they had to wait at the back of the line. โWhereโs that?โ Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then youโll reach the end of the line," said the cashier.
Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe obliged and waited on the long line to get their breakfast. Next, Perfect Cheerio Joe said that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe had to go to the National Cheerio Museum. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved museums so he happily agreed. When they arrived at the National Cheerio Museum, they first had to purchase tickets to see some exhibits. They walked up to the ticket booth where they were told to head to back of the line. โWhereโs that?โ Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then youโll reach the end of the line."
Although the line was long, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was ecstatic because he got to see the first Cheerio ever created. Perfect Cheerio Joe then recommended they go see a movie because Non-perfect Cheerio World doesnโt have any movie theaters. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe picked the movie, Unrequited Love for a Honey Nut Cheerio. Even Cheerios love romantic comedies. The movie theater was gorgeous and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was so happy until they had to buy tickets for the movie and they had to go to the back of the line. โWhereโs that?โ Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then youโll reach the end of the line."
Once they were in the movie theater, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew that he couldnโt have the full movie experience without popcorn. He quickly left the theater during the previews and went to buy some popcorn. He was told to head to the back of the line. These long lines were really starting to bother Non-perfect Cheerio Joe, but he knew he was only here for a day so he had to experience it all. โWhereโs the back of the line?โ Nonperfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"It wraps around the theater, so head south on Strawberry Street. Then make two rights. Next walk two blocks down and make a left onto Grain Road, then youโll be at the end of the line."
Non-perfect Cheerio Joe hoped the popcorn would be worth it. Just as he sat down in his seat with his popcorn the movie was beginning. I know what luck! Damn previews. After the movie was finished, Perfect Cheerio Joe recommended going to a party so that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe could meet a bunch of Perfect Cheerios. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved all Cheerios so he was pumped! When they arrived outside of the party they had to wait in line to enter. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was getting a wee bit frustrated when he asked where the end of the line was.
"Walk 1.37 miles. Then when you get to the fork in the road take a right. Then you need to make one right, one left, one right, and one left. After that youโll be at the end of the line."
Although Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was exhausted by the time they got into the party he was still ready to dance the night away. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe and Perfect Cheerio Joe headed straight to the dance floor and boogied all night. Two hours in, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe got thirsty. Perfect Cheerio Joe mentioned that the punch at this place was the bomb dot com. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe decided that without punch he would probably pass out. After waiting all day on so many lines Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew what to expect. He walked up to the Cheerio serving the punch and said, โWhereโs the punch line?โ
The server looked at him confused, โThere is no punch line.โ
i play water polo and when people find that out about me they almost always mention how hard the sport seems which gives me the opening to say, "The hardest part is to get the horses in the water.."
A travelling salesman knocks on the door of a house on his route. An 8 year old boy answers wearing a dress, high heels, drinking a scotch and smoking a cigar...
The salesman asks "Hello little boy, are your parents home?"
The boy looks around, puffs the cigar and says "The fuck do you think?!"
Doctor walks in to an exam room with a patient waiting for a physical. He looks at the chart, at the patient and back at the chart. Looks up and says to the patient " You have to stop masterbating" Patient looks at the doc all surprised and says "Why?!?" The Doc looks him dead in the eye and says "So I can examine you"
I offer the classic gesture for a thumb war of what looks like a handshake but with the fingers curled and thumb straight. Then, once they think Iโm offering a wrestle of thumbs, I begin the sacred chant of โ1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb warโ only I do not say war. After they join in the chant (as is tradition) I loudly interrupt before the last word and instead declare thumb BOXING. I then rapidly poke their thumb with mine repeatedly as if it were a boxing match. Between thumbs. It usually at least illicits a smile.
Two Canadians are eating at a fine Italian restaurant in Toronto in the summer. They both sit down and order a glass of red wine and a plate of farfalle pasta with a cream sauce. When they receive their pasta, the one Canadian comments on the fact that his friend is wearing a sweater in the summer. He says, " Hey, it's summer, man. Sweaters are farfalle?"
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but plastic wrap, psychiatrist says "I can cleary see your(e) nuts".
It always takes people a minute to get it but it always gets a laugh.
Zeyn1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks you how you are.
"Tired. I didn't sleep very well. I kept having weird dreams about mufflers."
Two muffins are in an oven when suddenly the first starts screaming, โHOLY SHIT WEโRE BURNING ALIVE!!โ To which the other replies โHOLY SHIT WE CAN TALK?!โ
So there's a remote monastery where all the monks can only chant. Every morning the head abbot comes into the dining room and chants "Good Morning, Brothers."
And they all reply "Good Morning."
This happens every morning, day in, day out. One day, a young monk wants to rebel a bit, but, being a monk, all he could come up with was, instead of chanting "Good Morning," he was going to chant "Good Evening." Again, not really great at rebellion.
So the day comes, and the head abbot chants out "Good Morning, Brothers."
And they all reply "Good Morning." Except for the one, who chants "Good Evening."
Now the abbot is furious. He walked up and down the aisle, looks each brother in the face, and chants "Someone Chanted Evening"
So there was this guy who wanted to ring the bells in the tower for the local church, but he didnโt have any arms. He was telling someone his dream about ringing the bells when the guy mentioned โhey, how can you ring the bells without any arms?โ. โLike this.โ, responded the armless man. He climbs the steps of the bell tower and starts crushing his face on all of the bells, eventually killing himself. He falls out of the bell tower and lands on the ground underneath, stunning everyone near by. People gather around him asking โwho is this guy, Iโve never seen him before?โ The first guy who called him out felt guilty but didnโt want to be berated, so casually answers the questions with โI donโt know, but his face rings a bellโ.
Spikerr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo ?
So this guy walks into a bar. Sitting in the corner, playing the piano is a man only one foot tall. He can't reach the pedals, but his music sounds so beautiful the guy has to stop and listen for a moment. After a minute or two, he goes and orders another drink, next to an average sized man. He approaches the average sized man and asks, "Hey man, where'd you find this guy?"
Very drunk, the man replies, "Oh, there's this dude outside, he's grantin' wishes and-" He doesn't get any farther as the guy exclaims, "Wishes?!" And runs outside. When he comes back, there are ducks, absolutely, everywhere. Nearly blotting out the sun. Approaching the bar again he says, "That guy can't hear for shit! I wished for a million bucks, he gave me a million ducks!"
Downing his shot, he replies, "I coulda told ya that. Really think I'd wish for a 12 inch pianist?"
This joke works better when I can talk with my hands.
A man and a little boy walk into a dark woods together when the boy turns to him and says, โIโm scaredโ The man looks down at him and says, โYouโre scared? I gotta walk outta here alone.โ
givin22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A New Zealander goes to get an STD test. The doctor asks how many sexual partners heโs had in the last year. The kiwi starts counting and promptly falls asleep.
Also works with Scottish or Welshman.
Vettit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's it called when a chameleon can't change his colors any more?
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
How do Eskimos catch Polar Bears?
They saw a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around the hole.
When the Polar Bear comes to take a pea, they kick him in the icehole.
Today a little girl with high functioning autism told me this joke. โWhy did the banana go to the banana hospital?โ...โBecause he was BANANA sick!โ Then she told me to write it down so I remember it to tell the chicken later. Maybe this can become my go to joke???
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
An eskimo is in New Zealand and his car has broken down. A kiwi stops and says โ ay bro I think youโve blown a sealโ and the kiwi replies: โat least I donโt fuck sheep!!!โ
An Asian man goes into a bank and asks why the interest on his home loan has gone up. The blank teller explains that itโs because of fluctuations. The Asian man replies โyeah will fluck you too!!!!โ
A duck walks it a bar and props himself up on a barstool. The barman sees the duck and quickly comes over. "Wow a duck in my bar, amazing! What can I get you buddy." Says the barman.
"Got any bread?" quacks the duck.
"Sorry buddy, but we only serve alcohol here... So what would you like?" said the barman
"Got any bread?" Once again quacks the duck.
"Haha look, as I told you before, we only serve alcohol here mate, so if you could order a drink and stop wasting my time, that would be great. So what would you like?" said the barman.
"Got any bread?" Quacks the duck for the third time.
"Right! I've bloody had it with you mate! If you ask for bread one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!" said the irate barman
TL;DR this is a fairly truncated version of the "joke" I tell. However, these days all I have to say is "So there are these two horses..." and my friends roll their eyes or just straight up tell me "No!"
So there are these two horses, Hobbin and Nobbin. Now, Hobbin's a long-time racing champ, never been beaten, while Nobbin's the fresh-from-the-paddock upstart, eager to prove himself. So Nobbin challenges Hobbin to a race, he's been eating his horsey-oats, doing his horsey-situps, he's convinced he's ready. "I'm faster than you, Hobbin," he says, "No, you're not," says Hobbin. "Well, there's only one way to find out?" says Nobbin. "So there is," says Hobbin. So they go out to the track and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! Well, Nobbin's furious. "I'll get you next time, Hobbin!" he says, and he goes back to his stable, does his horsey-training, eats his horsey-oats, does his horsey-situps, and a year later he's ready to challenge Hobbin again. They go out to the racetrack and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! Nobbin's really mad this time, he's sure he had Hobbin, but he won't stay beaten. "I'll get you next time, Hobbin!" he says, and he goes back to his stable. He does his horsey-training, eats his horsey-oats, does his horsey-situps, and a year later he's ready to challenge Hobbin again. They go out to the racetrack and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! [Feel free to do as many cycles of this as your audience can stand]. Nobbin's beside himself, he's stamping his hooves and prancing about, he's so mad his eyes are rolling and he's snorting and neighing, and the starter dog gets down off his podium and comes over to the two horses and says, "Look, guys, isn't there some other way to settle this?" Hobbin and Nobbin look at each other and Hobbin goesย "Holy crap, a talking dog!
A new wide mouth frog mother doesnโt know what to feed her babies. She hops around the swamp looking for anyone that could help her until she found a little fish. She said (asking with a wide mouth): โHello Mr fish, what do you feed your babies?โ The fish said โWell, Mrs. wide-mouthed frog, I feed my babies algae.โ โOh that wonโt do,โ said the wide-mouth frog.
She hopped along until she came to a mama squirrel and asked, with her mouth wide and lips flapping: โHello Mr squirrel, what do you feed your babies?โ The squirrel said โwell, Mrs. Wide-mouth frog, I feed my babies acorns.โ โOh no that wonโt do,โ said the wide mouth frog.
She hopped a little further until she spotted a mama alligator. She asked (mouth opened wide and lips flapping): โHello Mr. alligator, what do you feed your babies?โ The alligator said โwell, I feed my babies wide-mouthed frogs,โ (her lips slam shut and she talks through pursed lips), โwell you donโt see many of those around her do ya?โ
Cakin69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a bit peculiar and becomes aware that he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. The wife just ignores him. The man rolls over and starts to cry because he realized his marriage is in shambles.
A guy posted on his social media that he finally lost his virginity. His dad called and said that they should go and celebrate. The son replies: "I can't, I still can't sit"
Three men walk up to the Pearly Gates & are met by Saint Peter.
โNow then,โ the Saint says, โbefore I let you three in, you each must tell me how you all died.โ He turns to the first man & says, โTell me sir, how did you die?โ
โWell,โ the man starts, โI was having an argument with my wife. Then I took our fridge, threw it out the window, then I just collapsed. I think I had a heart attack.โ
โInteresting,โ muses Saint Peter as he turns to face the second man. โTell me sir, how did you die?โ
โWell, I was walking along, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a fridge flattened me like a pancake!โ The man exclaimed.
โHow peculiar.โ Saint Peter says & turns to the third man. โTell me sir, how did YOU die?โ
The man simply shrugs & says, โI WAS IN THE FRIDGE!โ
I got a couple, for different audiences, but I'll share just 3.
This one's good for all audiences though it may be getting dated.
Knock knock
who's there?
dishes
dishes who?
dishes Sean Connery.
Most people don't see something that clever coming out of a knock knock set up, so it gets a reliable chuckle.
The next one pushes the boundaries of what I would consider work safe jokes, it's also getting a bit dated.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She forgot to wear her seatbelt.
Finally if you're confident the audience can handle a something heavy, I have the Zebra Joke, which is a bit long winded. So I'll just link to the time I posted it on r/jokes.
Three guys are talking, the first guy says "I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
Two friends are out hunting, one friend accidentally shoots the other, in a panic he calls 911. "Hello 911? Please help, I accidentally shot my friend and I think he might be dead!!" The operator calmly responds "Sir, please stay calm, first thing I need you to to do is to make sure your friend is actually dead." BANG!! "Okay now what?!?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you recognize a terribly nice motorcyclist? By the flies between his teeth.
So there's this girl with a wooden eye who's very self conscious about it. After some effort her friends convince her to go to prom even though she doesn't have a date. She gets to the dance and notices a lonely boy with a hairlip sitting alone in the corner without a date. She walks up to the boy with a hairlip and asks if he would like to dance. Excited, the boy responds "would I? Would I!?" To which the girl responds "Hairlip! Hairlip!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between iron Man and iron woman
Tameg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tim and Mike die and get judged in heaven. God says whoever makes a good poem with the word Timbuktu goes through. Tim starts with " It's a Friday evening with nothing to do, why not fly down to Timbuktu". God, disappointed, looks to Mike; being more easygoing Mike thinks for a bit and, with eyes glistening, begins "Back in the days of old when nights were bold and women weren't too particular, we used to prop them against a wall and buk them perpendicular, nowadays the women are many and we are few, so I buked one and Timbuktu". Now that I think about it this joke can indeed fail in sensitive circumstances. Thought some would enjoy hearing nevertheless.
Two hookers are on a corner a blonde and a red head. The red head asks "hey you ever get picked up by the fuzz?" The blonde replies "no but I got swung around by the Tits once"
A homeless man once approached me on the street and asked me for some change. I said, "Yeah, sure. I'll give you some change." Then I caved his head in with a rubber chicken.
I gave him all the change he needed.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day this guy named Dave went to his boss and said โI know everyoneโ tired of his bullshit his boss said, โalright, do you know Tom cruise?โ โYeah! Me and Tom are best budsโ so they fly out to la and knock on toms door, โhey Dave! Come on in for a drinkโ Tom says, the boss is a bit flustered but still doesnโt believe him so his boss asks โdo you know the queen?โ So they fly out to England and they meet the queen, โDave! How are you doing? Come on in for a restโ boss is still not convinced โDave, if you know the pope I will believe youโ so they fly out to the Vatican and see the pope is doing a speech by Dave says โoh! I know! Since I know the Guards the will just let me up there with the pope!โ So Dave goes up and when Dave comes down to meet his boss he discovers that his boss has had a heart attack. Dave says โwhat happened?โ โI heard the guy next to me say, Who the fuck is that guy up there with Dave?โ
MikePGS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have two, neither original, neither appropriate.
What do you call a black man that flies an airplane?
A pilot, you racist!
A pedophile and a young boy are walking into the woods in a dark and gloomy night. The boy says "I'm scared!" and the pedophile says "YOU'RE scared? I'm the one that has to walk back all alone!"
Two nuns are driving down the street when a Vampire lands on the hood of their car. One nun says to the other "Sister Mary Francis show him your cross!"
Sister Mary Francis leans out the window of the car and says "Hey vampire, get the fuck off my car!"
kyron54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy wakes up and he keeps getting smaller and smaller. He hurries and drives to the hospital to figure out what's going on. Now as big as a toy soldier, he arrives and climbs his way up the counter. He looks up and yells, "You must help me!" The nurse interrupted and said, "SIR! You must be a little patient."
First you tell make an obscure reference or joke, when people donโt really get it it, you go โman tough crowd, canโt even get the crickets to laughโ
A man goes the bus station and says "Can I get one picket to tittsburgh?" The person behind the counter responds, "excuse me?" The man realizes his mistake and says, "I'm sorry, I meant can I get one ticket to Pittsburgh, I said the wrong thing." The person behind the counter replies, "No worries, it happens to me all the time. Like the other night I was sitting down to dinner with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the salt' but I actually said 'you stupid bitch you ruined my life.'"
Well the first awkward joke I ever told to my wife. Literally 30min after we met: What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
She ugly laughed and married a year later. Now we have 4 kids and we're happy lol.
Two elderly former baseball players live together at a old folks home and get to talking about if they play baseball if heaven. They agree it wouldn't be heaven without it and make a pact that the first one to die should try to tell the other the answer.
Time comes one of them kicks the bucket and a week later the other wakes up in the middle of night feeling a presence. It turns out to be the spirit of his dead friend. Of course he asks the spirit if there's baseball in heaven.
"Well, I have good news and bad news about that. The good news is we play baseball everyday. We have whole leagues running up there."
"That's great! But what's the bad news?"
"My team needs a new pitcher and I signed you up to start in tomorrow's game."
A mother is taking her son to see Santa at the local mall. After a long wait the boy gets on Santaโs lap and Santa asks, โwhat do you want for Christmas?โ The boy says, โI want a damn truck and a goddamn baseball glove!โ The boy continues swearing up a storm and after heโs done, his mother comes up to apologize to the mall Santa.
โIโm so sorry!โ, she says. โMy husband and I just canโt get him to stop swearing!โ So the mall Santa pulls her aside and says โwhat you have to do is on Christmas, you need to put some poop under the tree where the presents would be. Itโs worse than coal and heโll know he needs to change.โ She says ok and leaves with her son.
So she reluctantly takes the mall Santaโs advice and puts poop under the tree on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning comes and the mother and father come out to the living room to see their son frantically looking around the tree. โWhat did Santa bring you?โ, they ask. The son replies, โHe got me a fucking puppy, but I canโt find the son of a bitch!โ
So two whales walk into a bar, and the first one says โWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHโ
And then the other one says, โGo home Jerry youโre drunkโ
The best delivery is if you take a big deep breath in, then go until you canโt anymore, and then the second time, you take a big deep breath in like youโre going to do it again, then cut it off with the line in a perfectly normal voice. Gets โem every time.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "It's really getting hot in here!" The other muffin turns and says "AAHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bar tender asks โwhatโll you have?โ And the man replies โtwo shots of vodka for me and the giraffe, and keep em coming!โ
The man and the giraffe proceed to get so intoxicated that they fall asleep at the bar.
The following morning the man wakes up, looks over at the passed out giraffe, gathers his things and begins to leave. The bartender, staring at the giraffe, yells to the man โHEY! Where are you going? You canโt leave this lyinโ here!โ
The man turns around and says โfor your information, thatโs not a lion, thatโs a giraffe.โ
Three idiots were walking in the woods when they saw a set of tracks. The first one said "Look, deer tracks." The second one said "No, they're rabbit tracks." The third one said "You're both wrong, they're wolf tracks."
Seconds later they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Moarisa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
Ones a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws.
A kid comes home with his homework assignment and goes to ask his dad for help. "Dad, can you help me with my assignment? I have to explain the difference between realistically and theoretically."
Dad says, "Sure kiddo, I can help you there. Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for $1 million." The kid reports back, "Ok I asked her and she said she would." Dad says, "That's what I thought. Now I want you to go ask your sister the same question. If she would sleep with the neighbor for $1 million." The kid comes back and says that she would as well.
Dad says, "Ok son. Here's the answer to your homework assignment. Theoretically, we're sitting on $2 million. Realistically, we're living with two whores."
Odiie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works best when heavily itoxicated. Ask me if I'm a tree.
A jalapeรฑo pepper - itโs always jalll-up in your business!! (You really gotta make the โall upโ part sound like the beginning sound of jalapeรฑo)
and...
Whatโs Mozartโs favorite fruit?
A-ba-nan-na (โA bananaโ said like that famous Dun-dun-dun-DUUUUNNNNโ. And is it Mozart or Beethoven?)
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
A knot walks into a bar, the bartender says โWe donโt serve your kind here.โ The knot goes outside, ties himself up and parts his hair. He goes back inside and the bartender asks โArenโt you the same guy from a minute ago?โ He says, โNo, Iโm a frayed knot.โ
valicat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work in kitchens and I've cultivated a very professional straight-laced good-girl/mom-friend/boss-lady type of working persona.
So it really knocks 'em down when I hit them with the "What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?" "There isn't?" "I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face."
When a guy and a girl are having sex doggy style, what do you call a one eyed dolphin?
When it accidentally goes in the wrong hole and she tries to look at you and only one eye is visible and says โeh,eh,eh,ehโ
et4000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its usually a set up for a joke, and if they cant quite get it then you hit em with the ol "cant be racist if everyone's black" to make them disappointed in you.
hexcor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture...
TF79870 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three friends are driving through the Arizona desert when all of a sudden the car breaks down. Itโs summer, and they are out of cell phone range. They start to panic, but one friend finds a map and says โHey, we are not too far from Phoenix! If we start walking, we may be able to find help or phone service in a few hours.โ
The decide itโs best to start walking. Since the car is no longer drivable, they also decide to salvage the car for anything that could be useful for their journey.
The first friend takes the driverโs seat. The second friend takes the hood. The third friend takes the passenger-side door.
After about half an hour, they each get curious about the othersโ choices in car parts. And so they ask each other the reasons for their car part.
When asked about the seat, the first friend says, โGuys, the desert sand is hot. If we get tired, we can sit in the seat instead of in the ground.โ The other friends agree this was a good choice.
When asked about the hood, the second friend says, โGuys, the sun is fierce during the summer. The hood will provide us shade when we need it most.โ The other friends agree this was a good choice.
When asked about the door, the third friend says, โGuys, the temperature can get above 115 degrees Fahrenheit this time of year. So if we get too hot we can just roll down the window.โ
Xystem4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When Iโm feeling witty, whenever someone sneezes Iโll go โthatโs enough out of youโ, fake scolding them. It usually confuses people quite a bit, and only amuses me, but thatโs all I care about!
Let's say you were out camping with some buds, had one too many drinks, and passed out. You wake up the next morning and discover a condom in your butt. Would you tell anyone?
They answer "No"
You reply "Want to go camping?"
If they answer "Yes", tell them to fuck off because they ruined your joke.
A Mexican man walks up to a vending machine to get a drink. The drinks cost $1.10 and he inserts a dollar and presses the button for the Pepsi. The vending machine says โdimeโ on the screen, so he leans in closer to the machine and whispers, โQuiero Pepsi.โ
A joke from my uncle. So you know the three wise monkeys. One sees no evil, one speaks no evil, and one hears no evil. There was a recent discovery of three more modern monkeys. Except, one sees no one, one hears no one, and one speaks to no one.
A high school kid asks his crush to the senior prom. She says yes, so now he has alot of planning to do. First he decides he needs a tux so he goes to the tux store and there's a long line so he gets in the tux line to rent a tux. Next he needs flowers so he drives to the flower shop and yet again another long line, he hops in the flower line and gets his flowers. He then decided he needs some chocolates, so he drives to the candy store and there is a long chocolate line he stands in line and gets The chocolates. The night comes, everything is perfect he picks up his date, she loves the flowers and the chocolates and compliments his tux. After dancing half the night away his date asks for some punch from the refreshment table.
He goes over to the refreshment table and there is no punch line..............
A man and a woman are on their third date, after dinner at his place they start to passionately kiss on his couch, the woman stops and says "I have a confession to make." She points at her chest and continues, "These aren't real, I stuff my bra, I'm actually as flat as a baby." As she starts to cry the man tries to console her, he says "It's okay! I have a confession to make also." Pointing to his crotch he says, "I'm only as big as a baby myself..." The woman isn't sure what to think about that, but feels better as they begin to kiss again, soon she stands up and takes off her blouse and bra showing her flat chest. The man then gets up and unzips his fly and flops out a gigantic cock that hits the top of the coffee table with a loud thud, the woman exclaims "I thought you said you were as big as a baby!?!" The man responds with a big grin on his face "I am, seven pounds six ounces!"
So there's these two muffins baking in an oven. The first muffin says "Hey, don't you think it's getting a little hot in here?" The second muffin replies: "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Iโm a big fan of the anti-jokes-
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
What is green and fuzzy?
Green fuzz.
What happens when a dinosaur goes swimming?
It gets wet.
JosoIce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you called a Chicken coop with 4 doors.... A chicken sedan
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone of vanilla ice cream, his favorite, and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Whatโs the hardest part about telling jokes timing.
akhjr23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A termite walks into a bar and says โis the bar tender here?โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a penguin goes to get his car worked on, he takes it into the shop and the mechanic says ok itโll take about an hour, thereโs an ice cream shop across the street most people go to.
So the penguin goes to the ice cream shop and comes back an hour later with vanilla ice cream all over his beak.
So the mechanics goes โwell, it looks like you blew a sealโ
And the penguin goes โnope itโs just ice cream this timeโ
Sike1dj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The team of a black-haired woman, a redhead, and a blonde win a prestigious contest run by the US government and NASA, with the prize being a paid trip anywhere. The contest organizers approach the black-haired woman and ask where she'd like to go for her prize.
"I want to go to the moon! I've always wanted to see first-hand where the Eagle landed, see the pale blue dot, and walk in the footsteps of our great astronauts. Plus I've always admired the night sky since it's the same color as my hair, and it would be great to see it truly black with no atmosphere to interfere." The contest folk huddle together for a conference and after a moment come back and say, "OK, we'll send you to the moon. It will take a couple weeks to prepare for the spaceflight, but we'll get you there."
They then approach the redhead, asking the same question. "I want you to send me to Mars! I want to be the first person to set foot on another world and be known for all of history, and it's fitting going to the red planet since my hair is also red." The contest organizers have another mini-conference, then come back and say, "It will be challenging, but we'll honor your wishes and send you to Mars. It will take a few months to prepare, but you'll be the first human to step foot on the red planet."
Finally, they approach the blonde and ask the same question. She's seen the escalation and reasoning of her two partners and decides to keep going with it. "Please send me to the Sun! Nobody has ever been there so I'd be famous forever, and it's bright and yellow like my hair!" The organizers have a small huddle, then come back to her and say, "We're sorry, but that's frankly impossible. Any ship we sent you on would burn up far before you could get to the Sun." The blonde looks incredulous and says, "Well duh, I'm not stupid! Just send me there at night!"
RettyD4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya know why they hold babies upside down and spank them when their born?
A little boy and an older gentleman are walking through the woods at dusk. The trail is well lit, but as they walk and it's gets later, the trail becomes harder to follow. It is dark at this point, and the boy starts to cling to the mans arm a little tighter. After walking a long while, the boy looks at the man and says "gee, I don't know about going any farther, it's getting pretty scary out here in the dark". The man looks at him and scoffs "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk out of here by myself!"
Definitely make sure to tell this one to all your friends with kids!
5a1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A woman is golfing and gets stung by a bee. She goes to the doctor's office. The doctor comes in and glances up from her chart, he asks "where did you get stung?" The woman replies, "between the first and second hole." The doctor says, "Damn! That's a wide stance."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Baptist minister, a Catholic priest, and Jewish rabbi are on a fishing trip. The priest decides he's had enough fishing for the day, so he steps out of the boat and walks to shore, electing to begin preparations for the evening meal.
About an hour later, the rabbi decides he ought to go help the priest with preparations, so he too steps out of the boat and walks to shore.
Upon witnessing these apparent miracles, the minister thinks to himself: "Surely, if the priest and rabbi possess sufficient faith to walk on water, so can I!"
So, the minister stands up, steps out of the boat, and promptly falls into the lake. On the shore, the rabbi asks the priest: "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The manager at a drug store is wandering through the store and sees a man leaning against the wall. He walks over to the counter and asked the employee at the counter why the man was there. The employee says "oh, he came in and could not stop sneezing". The manager says "ah, so what did you do to help him?". "Oh" the employee says "I gave him a strong laxative". "The manager looks panicked and yells "are you insane, you can't do that!". The employee looks back at the manager and says "look, he's afraid to sneeze".
They are so cute at that age. And then they grow older. And then they wreck your car. I loved that car.
I am of course joking, I have no children of my own.
My father, on the other hand, really misses that car.
LNMagic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it that when Miley Cyrus dances around naked while licking a sledgehammer, it's considered "sexy", but when I do it I get kicked out of Home Depot?
So, Johnny and his girl Sally are going to prom this Saturday. But, before they can go, Johnny needs to make sure they have a perfect night.
So, Friday comes, and Johnny goes out to get his tuxedo. When he gets to the tux rental store, there's this ridiculously long line. But he needs the tux, so Johnny waits. And he waits, and waits until finally, he has his tux.
Next, he needs a limo. So he goes to the limousine rental shop and finds that there's an even longer line there. But he needs the limo, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he has the limo ordered.
Johnny realizes he needs some new kicks, so he stops by a shoe store to get himself some nice shoes. When he goes to pay, he sees the longest line yet. But he needs the shoes, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he's got his new shoes.
Saturday, Johnny's ready to pick up his girl. He drives over to her house, picks her up, and they head to prom. At the dance, they're having a great time, dancing, playing at the casino, hanging out with friends. Soon, though, Sally gets thirsty, and asks Johnny for a drink. Being the good guy he is, Johnny obliges.
A young PhD student is standing on top of the Physics building, preparing to leap to his death. The head of the Physics department runs out after him shouting, "Stop! You have so much potential!"
Tarzan was playing in the trees with the monkeys, swinging from tree to tree using the lianas when all of a sudden he fell down a big thorny bush!
The accident was extreme, and he was taken by the elephantbulance to the jungle doctor immediately!
What the doctor saw was terrifying, Tarzan had lost his right eye, his left arm, his left leg and worst of all, his penis.
The doctor began surgery immediately.
The next day when Tarzan woke up, he asked the doctor what happened.
"Tarzan, you fell down a big thorny bush and lost your right eye, your left arm, your left leg but worst of all, your penis. Unfortunately I did not have any spare human parts left. Instead, I replaced your right eye with the eye of a hawk, your left arm with the arm of a monkey, your left leg with the leg of a cheetah and your penis with the trunk of an elephant. Now go out and try your new limbs and come back tomorrow to tell me how they are"
Tarzan went out again and played with the monkeys, ran around the jungle and did as Tarzan does. The next day he went back to the doctor.
"So, Tarzan, tell me how your new limbs have been doing"
Tarzan answered, "Well, the hawk eye is extraordinary! I can see farther than I have ever been able to before, when I am in the top of the tree I can see everything that is happening in the jungle!"
"Secondly, my monkey arm is amazing! I can swing from liana to liana without any strain, I am sure that I will never fall from any tree again!"
"Thirdly, my cheetah leg allows me to run faster than any other animal in the jungle! I am now TRULY the king of the jungle, no other animal can surpass me! BUT, THIS GOD DAMN ELEPHANT TRUNK, KEEPS. PICKING. UP. GRASS. AND SHOVES IT RIIIIGHT. UP. MY. ANUS.
There's a priest giving communion in mass, and it comes close a busty girl with a very low leckline, showing everything.
The priest says: "I'm sorry, dear, but I can't give you communion in these clothes. Please cover up!"
The girl says: "That's not fair. I have a right, and it's divine!"
The priest answers: "And the left one to, but you need to cover up!"
cainoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a closet full of lesbians?
a licker store
Dlaney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a penguin driving cross country. His car starts acting up so at the next town he pulls off at the mechanic.
M: โgimme 15 minutes and iโll see whatโs happening.โ
the penguin sees an ice cream parlor across the street and heads over to get a sundae.
now penguins donโt have opposable thumbs just the flippers is all, so heโs stuck just kind of throwing ice cream towards his face and hoping for the best, making a huge mess.
he finishes up, tries to clean up as best he can, and heads back to the mechanic.
m: โit looks like you blew a seal.โ
p: โoh! no itโs just ice cream!โ
Two country boys are driving around one night and decide to go through a local field. They stop when they suddenly see an anvil in the middle of the field. They get out to check it out and one of them sees a well not 50 feet away. He says "let's toss the anvil in the well and see how far it goes!" They carry it over to the well and hick it over the side. It falls for about a good 5 seconds before they hear a thud. "She's dried up" says one of them. Suddenly they hear a wailing noise and turn around to see a goat charging at them! They side step and the goat just seems to jump in the well, wailing the whole way. "Holy shit that was crazy! He fell down the well! No way he's alive!" As soon as they get back to their truck they see a farmer walking up to them.
"Did you boys see my goat anywhere around here?"
"Yeah! We were over by that well and he charged us and jumped in! Craziest thing!"
The farmer looks at them baffled and says
"Well that's impossible. He couldn't have made it to that well. I had him tied to an anvil right around here!"
A man walks into a French restaurant and asks the waiter, "Do you have Wild Duck?"
The waiter says, "No sir, but we can take a tame one and irritate it for you."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, "That must be annoying."
The pirate responds, "Arrr. It's drivin' me nuts."
mrjb3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three pregnant women are sitting on a bench knitting.
The first says โI hope mines a boy because Iโve knitted with blue woolโ
The second says โI hope mines a girl, because Iโve used pinkโ
The third says โI hope mines a retard because I fucked mine upโ
ZakZaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my wife the other day that when she turned 40, I was going to trade her in for two 20 year olds. She said good, now you can disappoint two women instead of just one.
Hi_ery1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's this farm, and the head rooster is getting kind of old, so the farmer decides to buy a replacement.
Well, when the new rooster arruves, he seems kind of cocky, and the old rooster isn't having any of it, so he says "here's how things work in here. I get that you're supposed to be my replacement, but until I die, you answer to me."
The new rooster, being the cocky little shit he is, replies "fuck you. I could just take everything and you couldn't do anything about it."
So the old rooster says "okay, how about a fair race then? If you can beat me, you get it all now. If I beat you. You have to do everything I say until the day I die. The only catch is that I'm a little old, so you'll have to give me a little head start. Is that okay?"
The new rooster, cocky as ever, of coursr replies "hell yea! Prepare to lose, old man!"
So they decide on a time, place, and route, and before long it's time for the race.
On the day of the race, the two roosters get ready to run, and the older rooster reminds the younger rooster "I get a 10 second head start, okay?" And the younger rooster says "okay, okay." And the race starts.
Off takes the older rooster, and 10 seconds later the younger rooster follows.
Well, about half way through the race, the younger rooster is gaining on the older rooster fast, when suddenly there's a loud bang, and you young rooster goes down, clearly dead.
"God damn it!" The farmer swears. "I got me another gay rooster!"
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat .
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a go to joke right now, my last one lasted me a good 30 years. What's white and wears checked (plaid if here be Americans) trousers? Rupert the Fridge.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it's cock.
T1ken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: What's worth than half a worm.... Wait. Let me start over.
A bear walks into a bar, goes up the bartender and says, "I'll have a whiskey...
...and a glass of water." Confused, the bartender asks the bear, "Why the long pause?" The bear looks down at his hands and replies, "I don't know I was born with them."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a guy working at the morgue. He runs upstairs to his boss and says "boss there's a shrimp in this girl's vagina". Boss goes down to check it out and says "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit". Guy says "mmm didn't taste like a clit".
Mine is to look at a guy and saying the most homosexual thing I can think of. (no offense) If you have never done this I will recommend doing it. You will get one of two reactions, the first is a great laugh, the other is a very awkward moment, both of which are hilarious.
Bobboy5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink but the bartender said โget outta here! We donโt serve ropes in this bar!โ So the rope jumps down off the barstool, walks outside, ties himself in a knot and rubs himself against a rock for a few hours.
The next day he goes back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says โhey, arenโt you that rope that was in here yesterday?โ And the rope says โNope! Iโm a frayed knotโ
mushbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. Why are there no knock knock jokes about freedom
Niro5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little boy and a clown are walking into a forest hand-in-hand on a dark and stormy night. The little boy says, "This place scares me!"the clown says "how do you think I feel, I'm going to have to walk out of this place alone!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks "What's the occasion?". The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." "Congratulations! Have another one on me" the bartender says. The man answers "No thanks, if 6 doesn't take the taste out, nothing will. "
A cowboy walks into a saloon and notices a big jar of 20 dollar bills on the counter. So he strolls up to the bar, "Excuse me there, what's with that jar of 20's?"
"Well," says the bar-tender, "we have a little bit of a game around here, ya see, you put a 20 dollar bill in the jar, I give you 5 shots of whisky and I have ya try and do two things. If you can do 'em, you get the whole jar"
So the man says "Alright, what do I have to do after the whisky?"
The bartender explains: "Well there's a dog out back the bar that has a sore tooth that needs to get pulled and there's a lonely lady up stairs in the third room that could use some company."
So the cowboy throws in a 20 in a hurry, the bar-tender fills him up shot after shot until he's put down all 5 and in a drunken hurry the cowboy goes out back.
From out back comes an awful awful clatter. The dog's barking and wailing minuet after minuet and the whole saloon's just silent, on edge, trying to make sens of what's happening in the noise.
Then the cowboy stumbles in, "Alright sir the dog's taken care of, now where's the lovely lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
There are three sailors sailing together to discover new lands. One is French, one is African, and one is American. (Don't ask why they sail together, I don't know or care.) They come upon an uncharted island, plant their respective flags and set of to explore. Before long they get captured by cannibals who drag them back to their village and inform them that they have good and bad news, which would you like to hear first?
The American asks for the bad news, and the cannibals respond, "We're going to kill you, skin you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin for our canoes." "And the good news?" " You get to choose the way you die."
So the Frenchman decides to drink poisoned French wine, he does and they skin him, eat him, and use his skin for the canoes.
The African asks to be hanged, them gets skinned, eaten, and his skin is used for the canoes.
The American ask for a fork and a knife. He then proceeds to stab and slash at himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he chose such a painful way to die, and he responds "FUCK YOUR CANOES!!"
That one or: A boy mushroom asks a girl mushroom out. The girl mushroom says no. The boy mushroom asks why not? I'm a fungi?!
It has several parts.
1. Why did poor Sally fall out of the swing? Poor Sally had no arms.
2. What did poor sally get for Christmas? We don't know either, she couldn't open her presents.
3. Why couldn't poor Sally hug her father? Sally didn't have a father.
4. Knock Knock - "Whose there?" - Not Sally. Best played if you make the delivery kinda sad.
roystus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales go into a bar, and one says to the other, (imitate whale song for at least 10 seconds, longer if you can get away with it).
The other whale says, โFrank, youโre drunk.โ
A man walks into a bar. After finding a place to sit, he grabs the menu. Beers are 4 bucks, cheeseburgers for 5, and down at bottom he reads, "Handjobs - $20." Intrigued, he waives down the bartender.
This bartender is a knockout. Flowing red hair, huge breasts bursting out of her shirt, low rise jeans, the whole nine. He asks her, "Ma'am, I see here that you've got handjobs going for twenty bucks. Are you the one giving these handjobs?" The bartender leans across the bar, purses her lips, and says while giggling, "Why, yes! Yes I am."
The man smiles, and tells her, "Okay, well go in the back & wash your hands, cause I'd like a cheeseburger."
mlo519 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel on his pants. He orders some rum, but first, the bartender asks him, "whats with the steering wheel?"
Two wind turbines are standing in the field, one said to the other
"Hey have you heard of Katty Perry?"
the other reply "Yeah! I'm a big fan."
achesst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know I'm late to the party, but I always loved this one.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog, and the bartender tells him that no pets are allowed. The guy says, "No, see, this is a talking dog!"
"Talking dog?" The bartenders says, "Tell you what, if that's a real talking dog, the drinks for both of you are on me tonight."
So the man says, "Alright boy! What's the opposite of smooth?"
The dog replies, "Rrrruff!"
"That's right boy! Now, what goes on top of a house?"
The dog says, "Rrrrrooof!"
"Right again! Alright boy, final question. Who was the best baseball player of all time?"
The dog says, "Rrrruth!"
The bartender grabs both of 'em by the scruff of their necks and throws them back out into the street. The dog looks at the guy and says, "What? Barry Bonds?"
A woman boards a bus with her baby and the bus driver remarks immediately that her baby is the ugliest child he has ever seen.
Visibly upset, she makes her way to an open seat and sits down. An attendant sees her crying and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver just told me my baby is hideous!" She exclaims.
"That's awful," he says "I'll go speak with him."
The attendant returns, apologizing profusely.
"I spoke with the driver and he will be suspended, if not fired. As a gesture of good faith, I've brought you a banana for your monkey."
Why is one side of the bird's V formation always longer than the other?
There's more birds on that side.
newmug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's a long one, but its good.
A businessman was going on a long trip. He was worried that his wife might cheat, so he decided to buy her a vibrator for those lonely nights. Not knowing much about where to get one, he stumbled into a Chinese medicine shop to see what he might find in there. He saw this long, thick, black wooden penis, sitting in an ornate box with velvet lining and gold tassles. So he asked the old Chinese shopkeeper about it:
SK: "Hau, this is Voodoo Dick. You maast be veeellly careful with it. This is 1000 years old, veeellly old, veeellly powerful".
Businessman: "How does it work?"
SK: "Hau, you watch this" - he shouted - "Voodoo Dick, TABLE". Next thing, the VoodooDick shot up out of the box, shot directly across the room, and started humping the leg of the table.
SK: "Voodoo Dick, CHAIR" - The VoodooDick turned 180 degrees in mid air, flew directly across the room to the chair, and started humping it lke a jack-hammer. The businessman was happy enough, so he bought it and gave it to his wife. Then he went away on his trip.
Soon enough, the wife became curious. She took it out of the box, and considered what to do with it. So she got naked and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy". The VoodooDick blasted out of her grip like a bullet, and started doing its thing. It was the most perfect sensation she had ever felt! She lay on the bed writhing in pleasure for hours.
But eventually, she had had enough. But to her horror, she realised she didnt know how to stop it! By now, it was getting vigourous and starting to hurt. She tried to grab it, but it was too fast, and too slippery from juices for her to hold it. It was hurting like hell now, chafing and burning as every second went by. She stood up hoping gravity would make it fall, but it stayed there pumpimg away at 100 miles per hour! Her poor ladyparts were now raw and the pain was unbearable! There was nothing else she could do, she would have to go to a hospital to get it removed by a doctor!
She could barely manage. Her body vibrated and shuddered as she stumbled to the car. Her hands were shaking on the steering wheel as she drove down the road, barely able to keep control of the vehicle. As she swayed to and fro with blood soaking the drivers seat, she saw blue lights approaching in the mirror. A cop pulled her over and said, "Ma'am, have you ben drinking?"
In too much agony to care about the humiliation, she told the cop everything. She told him about the husband going away and buying her this dildo, about the way it can fly through the air, the way it was hurting her and now she couldnt stop it. She begged the cop to let her continue to the hospital to stop the pain.
At the end of her story, the cop looked indignant. With his chest puffed out, and with all the conviction in the world, he said "Voodoo Dick MY ASS"
There were three cats in a race to swim across a lake. The first cat, an american one named one two three. The second cat was a spaniard named uno dos tres. The third cat was a french named un deux trois.
One two three finished first and uno dos tres finished second but the un deux trois quatre cinq.
3 guys lost in the amazon forest are captured by a tribe there and are about to be sacrificed. They're asked by the tribe's chief to bring a fruit each in order to avoid death. First one comes back with an orange. The deal is they shove the fruit in his ass and if he reacts they kill him. Orange has trouble going through, he cries and dies. Second one brings back grapes. After a minute he bursts out laughing and dies. While waiting their turn in heaven first one asks the second one: Wtf dude! You had grapes!!! He replies: oh wait, last guy brought a watermelon.
There was a rabbit and a bear that drank from the same lake in the forest and disturbed a magical lamp. The lamp had a genie and mentioned that since they both touched the lamp, they both get 3 wishes.
Bear:โI wish that I was the sexiest and most powerful male bear in the world!โ Bear looked pleased with himself.
Rabbit:โI wish for a motorcycle.โ What the fuck? Bear was confused. What the fuck was a motorcycle?
Bear:โI wish all the female bears wanted me, and only me, to mate with.โ Bear had it figured out.
Rabbit:โI wish I had a helmet. Safety first!โ That reminded bear, safety! Other bears could kill him and take away his mating powers. That wouldnโt do.
Bear:โI wish that I was the only male bear in the world!โ Bear leaned back. Pleased with how he used his wishes. Rabbit got on his bike, put on his helmet, and rode off screaming
โI wish Bear was gay!โ
Man. That Hitler guy was a real jerk.
(Credit to Norm MacDonald)
This joke always gets a reaction. Some people die laughing, some people are so disrupted they can't help but question it, and some people just agree sympathetically which in turn makes me laugh
How did Julius Caesar respond to his friend who couldn't remember the name of the sequel to a Stephen King novel?
"It 2, Brute."
Except I don't always butcher the delivery. I can always remember the punchline and try to work out the actual joke. But if I get it right, it's received with the best kind of groans.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a little boy on the sidewalk. The priest say "Let's screw the little boy!" The rabbi says "Out of how much?"
MzIdaHo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Amish prostitute do?
Ten Mennonite.
G95017 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Mexican magician was preforming his final act. He said "uno dos" and disappeared without a trace (trรฉs)
Two men (strangers) standing in line (we'll call them Chad and Dan) at a grocery store cash register and notice that they each have a black eye. Dan says to Chad "I noticed you also have a black eye. Do you mind if I ask how you got it?"
"Sure!", the Chad responds with a grin. "I was at the airport last week and I missed my flight so I had to buy another ticket at the airport for the next flight out. I get to the front of the line and notice that the lady behind the counter is... well endowed but I make a point to keep eye contact as to not become distracted. I start to speak and...... what I meant to say was 'Can I get a ticket to Pittsburgh' but what I actually said was 'Can I get a picket to Tittsburgh' and the lady punched me in the eye."
The two men share a laugh over the story and continue waiting in line. Another minute passes and Chad asks Dan how he got his black eye. "It's a pretty similar story actually", Dan explains. "My wife and I were sitting down to breakfast yesterday and as she finished pouring her cereal what I meant to say was, 'Would you pass me the Wheaties sweetie' but
what I actually said was, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch'.
I never say this around strangers because of knowing that some people go through the horror of having something like this happen to them but here I go saying it on Reddit.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
Not mine, but my friend always introduces himself to a group of people with what has become infamously known in our friend group as "The Whale Joke."
A blue whale walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The blue whale responds,
he then proceeds to make whale noises for far longer than is necessary. As long as people will keep laughing, he'll keep belting his beautiful beluga song at the top of his lungs. I've seen him go on for literally 5 minutes or longer.
There's a rich guy and poor guy discussing what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich guy says he got his wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. The poor guy asks why he got her both so the rich guy says "well if she doesn't like the ring she can return it in the Mercedes and still be happy." He then asks the poor guy who replies "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich guys then says "Why'd you get her the slippers AND a dildo?" The poor guy replies "well if she doesn't like the slippers then she can go fuck herself."
what's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean. I wouldn't pay $100 for garbanzo on my face. that's my uncles go to.
ablege ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The escargot joke:
There once was a Snail who lived in a garden. He was a sad Snail because all of his friends could go fast. The butterfly could fly fast. The ants could run fast. The spider could climb fast. Even the caterpillar was fast compared to Snail. Then one day, Snail decided that if he had a car he could go fast. So he slowly made his way to the car dealership and bought the fastest car they had. Snail was happy because he had a fast car but was soon sad again when he got inside. "This car is so big and I am so small. How will anyone know that it's Snail going so fast down the road?" He thought long and hard before exclaiming, "I know! I'll paint a big S on the side of the car so everyone knows this is Snail's car!" And so he painted a big S. He took his car and zoomed up and down the street. His friends looked on in amazement and shouted "Look at that S car go!"
Indigoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus walks into a restaurant...
And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"
Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side"
A lady walks into a sex toy store and slams her fist down on the counter and yells, "I want a dildo!" The man is taken aback and says, "Well, ma'am. They're on the wall over there." She goes over to the wall and starts looking at all the different shapes, colors and sizes. She goes back to the counter and yells, "I'll take that red one!" The man looks at the woman and says, "No ma'am. They're on the wall NEXT to the fire extinguisher."
Two drunks are walking down a street and one sees a dog licking it's balls. One drunk points to the dog and says to the other drunk, "I'd like to be able to do that." The other guy laughs, shakes his head and says, "Maaannnn, he would bite youuuu!."
You're in a relationship with 3 women. None know about the others and you are having a tough time deciding who to commit to.
You are going away on a business trip. You will be gone for 3 months, with no way to call/write to your lady friends.
You give each woman 10 grand, telling them to spend it however they like.
You come back 3 months later to find that the first woman squandered the money. The second spent some of the money on herself, but most of it on things for you. The third woman invested the money, doubled it, and when you came home she gave you your money back.
Pirate (with a steering wheel stuffed down his pants) walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says, "AARRRRR, it's driving me nuts."
bumuser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says "Hey, you have a steering wheel on your crotch" and the pirate replies "Arr! And it's driving me nuts!"
My grandpa had a lot of weird jobs. He was a rancher, cut mountain roads on an excavator, etc. He always said that the weirdest job though was during the summer the circus came to town.
He ended up becoming the elephant circumsizer because he was a butcher earlier.
According to him, the pay was peanuts but the tips were huge.
I noticed three large women in a bar that sounded like they had Scottish accents. I went up to them and asked "excuse me are you ladies from Scotland? "
One of the women screeched "Wales, its Wales you bloody idiot!"
So i said "oh excuse me are you three whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing i remember before the lights went out.
What is the difference between an elephant and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone comes into the conversation I say "then my dad shot her, it was weird." As if they're just coming in on the conclusion of a horrible story.
tnarg42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is skydiving for the first time. He pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. He briefly panics, but then tries the reserve chute. Again, nothing. Suddenly, he sees a lady below him, flying upward toward him. He yells out to her, "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" As she flies by, she yells back, "NO. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS OVENS?"
Two cows are eating grass in a field. The first cow looks to the other and says "Nice day, isn't it?", The second cow startles and exclaims "Fuck'n hell! A talking cow?!"
A flying saucer lands in a field near an old gas station. Two aliens come out. One big mean looking one, and a smaller kind of nervous looking one. They spot the gas station and head on over. They walk up to a gas pump and the big one growls at it "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, says nothing.
The big alien frowns angrily and shouts at the gas pump again "I said, TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, EARTHLING!". The gas pump maintains its silent vigil. The little alien, wringing his hands and shifting nervously from one foot to the other says "hey, m-maybe we should just forget about this and go home?"
The big alien scowls and says "No, we have a mission, and nothing is going to stop us". He then pulls out a ray gun and points it at the gas pump. "Last chance. Take me to your leader, or I'm going to blast you. You have until the count of three."
As the big alien starts counting, the little one starts begging him to let it go and trying to drag him away. The gas pump remains unmoved and does not respond. The big alien gets to 3, fires, and the whole place goes up in a massive explosion.
A little while later, the big alien wakes up. They had been thrown clear back across the road, into the field. The little alien, covered in burns and black smudges, is sitting next to him, staring angrily at him. The big alien shakes his head clear and groggily asks the little one "Man... how did you figure that these earthlings were such hard-asses?"
The little one throws his hands up as he shouts back "DUDE! Anyone that can wrap their dick around their body 3 times then hang it on their ear has got to be one mean son-of-a-bitch!"
I have an EpiPen, my friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a priest and his friend have gone golfing.
The friend of the priest misses by 3 feet and says
โI missed the bugger!โ
The priest says โ do not speak such foul language or god will strike you sown.โ
The friend apologises.
This time the friend misses by 2 feet and says
โ I missed the bugger!โ
The priest says โ Iโm warning you you ,you will be struck down.โ
The friend says sorry again.
The friend misses by 1 foot this time.
โI missed the bugger!โ
Suddenly the heavens open up, and lightning strikes the bishop.
God says โ I missed the bugger!โ
sl1878 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone points at me or looks at me, I make a point to turn around as if they were looking or pointing at something behind me and act like they meant to.
A man is in the desert and is parched. He stumbles upon a bar. He doesnโt have sufficient money for a drink so he asks the bartender what he can do for drinks.
The bartender says, โYa see that horse over there? If you can make him laugh, Iโll give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
Sure enough the man goes over there and says something to the horse. The horse begins laughing hysterically and the man gets drinks for the rest of the night.
A few weeks later the man comes back to the same bar in the same predicament.
This time the bartender tells him, โIf you can make that horse cry, Iโll give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
Once again the man walks over there and says something to the horse. The horse breaks down into tears and canโt stop bawling.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks the bartender comes over and asks, โIf you donโt mind me asking, how did you do it?โ
The responds, โTo make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him.โ
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away and can satisfy me." A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
I was walking once with a native tracker and he stopped and put his ear to the ground. He said "buffalo come". "Thats amazing, how did can you tell" i responded. " ground sticky"
kebin1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still remember my grandfather's final words before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar tender sneers at him and says, "We don't serve pieces of string here!"
So, the piece of string walks outside, unravels and dishevells his ends and ties him self into a knot. He walks back into the bar and attempts to order another drink. The bartender looks him over and says, "Aren't you the same piece of string that was just in here?" To which he replies,
"Sorry, I'm a frayed knot."
Nezell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Paddy and Murphy are throwing rocks at the floor. Paddy misses.
_zoomp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A woman orders broccoli with her meal, but the waiter informs her that they are out of broccoli. Upset, she asks for the manager to get her broccoli. The manager also informs her that there is in fact no broccoli. Furious, she demands to speak with the owner. After hearing the story of this woman from the waiter and manager, he goes to the woman and asks how he can be of help. She demands to have broccoli. Fed up, the owner asks, โCan you say duct as in ductwork?โ Confused, she responds accordingly. The owner follows up with, โCan you say pump as in pumpernickel?โ The woman follows through, frustration returning. One final question from the owner, โCan you say fuck, as in broccoli?โ Taken aback, she says โThere is no fuck in broccoli.โ The owner throws up his hands and exclaims โEXACTLY!โ
My wife has been working out recently and asked me to purchase some woman's athletic attire, but I made a typo. Now im the proud owner of a buffalo wild wings.
scothc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
WHERE'S MY TRACTOR??
You really gotta go for it though. Hand gestures, raised voice, facial expressions, etc.
Also:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was stapeled to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure
Omg did you hear about that thing in the news the other day? This woman was walking in the mall when all of the sudden her arms just spontaneously combusted! When the police arrived they arrested her.. for two.. unauthorized.. fire arms.
Cue groan.
Alternatively:
Did you hear what happened in (nearby town)?! Some dude was chopping a tree and putting the wood in a wood chipper when his left arm got caught and pulled his body in. They were able to stop it and get him out before it got halfway. But don't worry, he's all right now.
A captain and his crew are out to sea when on the horizon they see a pirate ship. Immediately the captain yells, "First mate! Bring me my red shirt."
The first mate, confused, brings the captain's red shirt and the captain puts it on. A battle ensues and they eventually sink the pirate ship. That night the captain and his crew drink and celebrate their victory in battle.
The next morning, the crew awakens to see three pirate ships on the horizon. Again, the captain's first response is to yell, "First mate! Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate does not question the order and brings the red shirt, which the captain immediately puts on.
Despite being outnumbered 3-1, the captain and his crew just barely win the epic battle at sea. Their ship is badly damaged and they suffer many casualties, but that night again they celebrate their victory with drink and a feast.
During the celebration, the first mate, a little drunk, finally asks the captain, "Captain, what is with the red shirt? Is it your lucky charm? Is it magical? Why do you always wear it during a battle?"
"I need my men to be brave during battle," replies the captain. "If I get injured and the crew see it, they may lose courage and give up the fight. The red shirt hides any injury."
The first mate is struck by the genius of his captain and falls alseep that night with more admiration for him than ever. The next morning the crew awakes to see 10 pirate ships on the horizon.
The captain yells, "First mate! Bring me my brown pants!"
Curti3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
About two summers ago I was taking a walk down a boardwalk with my dog. I stopped at a hot dog cart to get a dog and struck up a conversation with the nice man making the dogs. We started off talking about the hot dog business. First, I pitched him a slogan of mine: "Got Dogs?!" He didn't think it as brilliant as I, so in haste I made the mistake of asking how his business was going. Now I didn't mean to bark up the wrong tree but with dogs this good I thought this guy must've been swimming cash. However, he said that margins were tight ever since a Nathan's opened up down the boardwalk. He managed to keep up his spirits though and surprised me with a zesty one-liner "Have a safe lunch, use a condiment!" Kid you not- ketchup came out of my nose as we relished in laughter. But in all this merriment I dropped my half-eaten hot dog and my dog it snatched it right up and ate it bun, ketchup, sand, and all. I was still hungry and asked my new hot dog friend for another. But he said he couldn't afford to give away new hot dogs to everyone who dropped theirs- not with this Nathan's in town anyway.
It was in that moment I fully realized the dog-eat-dog world we live in.
Do you like shaggy dog jokes? My go to is also a time filler. You can use any animal you like, I'll use a goat.
So there's this goat.
Goat only has three legs.
I find myself asking the owner of the goat
"Why does this goat only have three legs?"
To which the owner regales us with the tails of wonder and amazment this goat had preformed, but not lost a leg. Such as...
"That goat? That goat saved my life. Yes sir/madam that goat surely did. That goat saved my life and the life of everyone else in town. Last year when the rains came and the valley was going to flood that goat came out for to door and would push on people until they left their houses, and not let them back in. He herded me and my family and the whole town up to high ground. That is a good goat. A great goat."
I ask again and again why the goat only has three legs and story after story about the goats heroics. Finally I stop and try asking
"How did that goat lose one leg?"
The goats owner looks funny at me for a second before he finally says
"That goat! That is a good goat! That is the best goat I've ever had. A goat that good - a goat as good as that - you just don't eat all at once
A doctor frequents his usual bar spot after his shift. He knows the bartender and the bartender knows him. The doctorโs regular drink of choice is a hazelnut daiquiri, so the bartender always tries to have it ready when the doctor typically comes him following his regularly-scheduled shift.
One day, as the bartender is prepping and stocking the bar, he realizes he is out of the doctorโs treasured hazelnut daiquiri mix. He panics, knowing the doctor is coming in shortly. He scrambles to find something comparable and settles on mixing up a custom drink with hickory smoke flavor, hoping the doctor wonโt notice the change.
Doctor comes in at his regular time. Sits down. Takes a sip. Exclaims, โBartender, what the hell is this???!โ
Bartender nervously says, โItโs a hickory daiquiri, Doc!โ
There once was a man with a wooden eye that was a bit self conscious about his wooden eye, as such he had trouble mustering up the confidence to ask any girl out. His friend decided to help him out and told him about this girl he knew that had a really big nose. He figured she must be pretty self conscious about her big nose and they would be able to get past their fears together. The man with the wooden eye agrees and sets off to ask the big nosed woman out.
"Good evening ma'am, I was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime?" The wooden eye'd man said to the Big Nosed woman.
"Would I? Would I?", The big nose woman flattered and excited responded.
"BIG NOSE, BIG NOSE!!", The man wooden eyed man screamed back at her.
You're pushing your car down the road because it's out of gas and stop at a hotel. You sit there for a minute and realize you've just become bankrupt. What happened?
Duck walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and says "can i help you ". Duck says "Got any grapes ?" Bartender says no and the duck walks out. Bartender questions his sanity.
Next day around the same time duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender . "Got any grapes ?"
bartender say no while smiling at his other patrons.The duck walks out.
This scene plays out daily until on Friday , a busy day, when the duck walks in and ask if he has any grapes the bartender loses it and replies, "No i don't have any grapes and if you come in here and ask for grapes again I'll nail your fucking feet to the floor. The duck walks out.
Next day the duck walks into the bar and the bartender is ready and yells "what do you want ?"
Duck asks " got any nails ?" The bartender yells "No" "good" the duck says . "Got any grapes ?"
Not really a joke per se... but if someone makes a comment about something during a conversation and it's funny, usually inserting it at some point in the conversation afterwards even when it doesn't fully relate to what's being discussed is a sure-fire way to make people laugh. But you have to do it right.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
Late to the party but this one i cant help but laugh at.
"Little Johnnyโs teacher asked him how the weekend went.
He told her, โHorribly, a car hit my dog in the ass.โ
She corrected him replying, โrectum.โ
Johnny said, โWrecked him? Damn near killed him!!โ
A father and his little boy were on an elevator. A woman got on board and pushed to button to her floor. Just then the little boy looked up at the woman and said "Hey lady can I smell your feet?" The woman puzzled and slightly annoyed replied "Ummm No." Then the boy shook his head in a knowing way and said "Must be your pussy".
I know it's a foul joke, but no one ever sees the punchline coming.
Why did the cowboy get a Daschund? (Wiener dog) A: he wanted to get a long little doggy.
(This works especially well coming from me because i work as a dog trainer!)
B00DER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a bowling ball and a big, fat, hairy, nasty vag?
If you really had to, you could eat the bowling ball.
I've got a tattoo on my wrist of an anchor. Whenever someone asks what it means I say "oh it's because I always weigh people down". Never fails to make people laugh and/or very uncomfortable.
Not really a joke but more of a true story that never fails to get laughs.
I was working in a nursing home as a CNA. At the time i had a resident who was very confused and somewhat combative and frequently tried to escape the facility.
This one night i was keeping her company and trying to keep her safe as she was trying to escape the facility. She was in a wheelchair heading for the door so i turned the wheelchair away from the door and tried to steer her in a different direction. She put her feet to the floor and i couldn't move her without causing harm. What i didn't expect was for her to suddenly shove herself back into me. At the time i was standing in front of a HUGE potted plant. When she shoved herself back she sent me flying into the pot and i got stuck. All you could see was my arms,legs and head. My arms and legs were flailing wildly as i tried to get out and i was screaming for help. My coworker heard me and laughed her ass off for a minute or two before pulling me out.
I go into a party and find a guy with a tie.
I wait for the conversation to reach a natural conclusion and ask him, "so what does a boat do when it comes to a dock?"
When he responds, I reach out and flip up his tie into his face, replying "it ties up."
A fat, ugly, old lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder.
She announces, "I will fuck and suck anyone who can guess how much this parrot weights".
A drink guy stands up and yells, "500 pounds!"
She says, "close enough".
A whale and his girlfriend were swimming in the bay when he spotted a boat that had tried to harpoon him once. "Let's swim under the boat and see if we can tip it over using our blowholes," to which his girlfriend reluctantly agreed. To their surprise, the boat tipped over and the frightened sailors started swimming to shore. "I can't believe it! Let's swallow them!" The girlfriend said, "Listen, I went along with the blowjob, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."
There are 2 sausages in a frying pan, one of them looks at the other and says โMan, it sure is hot in here.โ The other looks back and says โOh my God!! Itโs a talking sausage!!!!โ
A guy was walking his dog through the woods when he comes across a bear in the path eating berries he stops as the bear looks and says
"Grrrr............ I'm a bear!"
He's startled but confused,
"Why the big pause?"
The bear replies
"Because I'm a bear!"
jorellh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two penguins are in an elevator and one turns to the other and says, "Can you please pass the ketchup?" and the other penguin responds, "What do I look like a rock ?!"
Then proceed to laugh as if it is funny while the person you are telling it to is puzzled. It helps if there are other people around you've told it to before so they can join in on the fake laughter.
A guy tells his buddy that he should be embarrassed because he drove past buddyโs house last night and the drapes were open and he could see buddy and his wife going at it. The buddy says โ the jokeโs on you; I wasnโt even home last nightโ.
A rich guy and a poor guy are talking one night. The rich guys telling the poor guy it was his wife's birthday recently, so he bought her a new Mercedes and a diamond ring. The poor guys asks him why he bought both. The rich guy says, well, if she doesn't like the Mercedes she at least has the ring. The poor guy says, "yeah, I did the same for my wife. I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo". "A dildo? why'd you get her that?" The poor guys tells him, well if she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go fuck herself.
Every year the day before thanksgiving:
Did you hear thereโs a recall on butterball turkeys?
(Look of panic hanging on every word)
Yes, they forgot to butter the balls!
๐คฃ
Benny hills comment "I'm not drunk I can see fine, that cat commin in has only got one eye and it's got a sty. And I said you fool, that cat's not comin in, it's going out.
I'm the world's worst at remembering names.
The other night my family and I were visiting an older woman we've known for years and years, but I couldn't remember her name. We were at the door on our way out and I was saying, "Thank you for dinner, Mrs...Mrs...MOM! Thanks for dinner, Mom."
Oven is set to 350. Baking in the oven is a full muffin pan full. One muffin turns to the other and says, โitโs getting really hot in hereโ. The other muffins turn in horror and scream โahhhhh!!! Itโs a talking muffin!โ
dactyif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Handdoc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two friends on the Train to work when one says to the other โ I had the worst Freudian slip this morning at breakfast โ The other friend says โwhat do you meanโ โ You know when you mean to say one thing but say another โ โ Yea, so what could be so badโ โ Well I meant to say to my wife can you please pass the butter, but instead I said, You fucking bitch you fucked up my whole life!โ
Man is walking down the street, notices a woman is walking with one breast out of her blouse. He approaches and says, "Madam, it seems your breast is out." She looks down, and shouts, "Fuck, I left my baby on the bus!"
Why canโt you play cards with big cats? Cause they cheetahs.
dmand8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Husband and wife are getting ready to go out. She is getting dressed and as they are getting dressed in front of the mirror she begins to cry. He asks, "What's wrong dear?" She wipes the tears away burys her head into his chest and sniffes, "Im old, fat, and ugly. Wah...wah...Tell me something to make me feel better!!" The husband replies, "Well your eyesight is damn near perfect."
2fishel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On their 50th anniversary Jane asks John, what did you think when you first saw me? John says, well I thought I want to fucj your brains out and suck your tits dry.... Jane saw aww that's so cute, what do you think now? He says, think I did a good job
Greg says "Yea! He used to come to my pizza joint before he got famous"
Kyle asks him to prove it, so they fly out to Hollywood and ring on Tom Cruises door. He answers the door and exclaims "Greg! How are you! It's been a while!"
Kyle immediately thinks this is a fluke, and then asks Greg : "Do you know President Trump?"
Greg goes : "Yes sir! I used to caddie for him on his golf course!"
So they fly out to Washington D.C. and take a white house tour to prove it. On the tour, they meet President Trump and he exclaims : "Is that you, Greg? How are you! You're the best caddie I ever had! The best!"
Kyle is immediately at a loss for words and figures that there's no way that Greg can know The Pope.
Greg says he used to be an altar boy for the pope before he was annointed, and they fly out to the Vatican.
Greg and Kyle are in the crowd of people, waiting for the Pope to appear from the balcony. Greg says to Kyle "We're in a large crowd, he wont see me here. Let me go inside and see when he's coming out." Kyle thinks he had him, and that he's ditching to cover his ass. Sure enough, a few moments later Greg walks out on the balcony with the Pope, and they're both seen waving to the crowd.
From the balcony, Greg notices a small pocket of people in the crowd have dispersed, and notices his friend lying on the ground unconscious; Greg then rushes to his friends aide.
On the ambulance ride to the hospital, Greg asks Kyle what happened, to which Kyle replied : "You'll never believe it. Once you walked out on the balcony, some guy turned to me and asked 'Who's that guy with Greg?' "
Forgive me father for I have sinned; during the communism I let a fugitive hide in my house.
That's not a sin my son.
But father, we are talking about a young, beautiful woman that needed help and instead I took advantage of her. You see father, I had sex with this woman.
Well, son, on one hand you took advantage, on the other you saved her life. Say a hail Mary and go in peace.
Oh, father, one more thing; should I tell her that the communism is over?
Little Johnny got out of bed one night and went to the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom he passed his parents bedroom. Looking in, he saw the sheets going up and down. He asked "why are the sheets going up and down?" To which his dad replied "me and your mother are playing cards!" Johnny accepted the answer, went to the bathroom, and on the way back to bed looked into his sister's room, where he saw her sheets going up and down. Johnny asked "sister, why are your sheets going up and down?" She replied "my boyfriend and I are playing cards. Johnny accepted this answer and returned to bed. The next morning Johnny's father walked into his son's room to see Johnny's covers going up and down. "Johnny, why are your sheets going up and down" asked the father. Johnny said he was playing cards, to which his father asked "with who?" Johnny answered "you dont need a partner when you have a good hand"
"You just bought a six pack and want to make sure it gets finished. What do you do?"
"Invite a baptist over."
"Now you have a new six pack but you want to save this one what do you do?"
"Invite two baptists over."
I work in a restaurant where morale is often low. Sometimes, while restocking coffee cups, I'll turn to the closest coworker and say, "Hey, if someone took my photo right now, would it be a mugshot?" It always gets a smile and at least a chuckle out of someone who was complaining a minute ago.
Horse walks into a bar..
Bartender says "why the long face"
Rand4m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A businessman got rich and bought a fleet of boats. But he wasn't happy with how they looked: they were all colored white. So he hired an artist to paint them. "Paint them anything but white," he asked.
The artist brought along several gallons of red paint, and began to work on the boats -- but then he ran out of the paint. So he went back to his studio and rounded up all the extra paint he had, but there were several different colors. "Oh well," he thought, "these boats won't end up white: that's exactly what he's said that he wants."
Finally, the day came when the businessman showed up to view the freshly painted boats. He looked at them for a long time, then beckoned the artist over. "I see," he said gently, "that every hull's of a different color."
The artist thought quickly, and nodded in agreement. "Yes, that's true," he said, "but consider this: I have fulfilled your request. No stern's left untoned!
Yog905 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the scarecrow with his Ph.D?
He was out standing in his field
ickns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
A boy goes up to his grandpa and says "Hey grandpa can you make the sound that a frog makes?" He says "Of course, but why do you want me to do that?" The boy says "Becsuse Mom said when you croak WE'RE ALL GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!"
A boy who lives on a farm wakes up one morning and goes down to ask his mother for breakfast.
"You can't have any breakfast until you're done with your morning chores." says his mother.
So angry and hungry the boy stomps out into the farmyard and goes to feed the chickens, but one of the chicken pecks him while he's throwing out the grain so he kicks the chicken.
He goes to muck out the pig pens next but one of the pigs knocks him down so he kicks the pig.
Next he goes to milk the cow but when he was almost finished the cow kicks the bucket over so he kicks the cow.
Finally he goes back to the kitchen and tells his mother his chores are done and he would like breakfast now. "I was watching you" says the mother, "you can't have any eggs because you kicked the chickens, and no bacon because you kicked the pig, and you won't be getting any milk either because you kicked the cow."
As the boy fumes his father comes walking down the stairs and the cat gets in his way nearly tripping him. In his anger he yells "Damn cat!" and kicks the cat down the stairs.
The boy turns to his mother and says "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
A man walks into the bar on the 50tb floor of a downtown high-rise, and notices the only other people there are the bartender and another gentleman sitting at the bar. The man approached the pair, and asks the other gentleman what heโs drinking that night. The gentleman says, โmagic beer.โ
The man doesnโt believe him, so, the gentleman walks over to a window, jumps, and flies in 2 circles around the building. The man is shocked and excited, and tells the bartender he would like to order some magic beer.
The man downs the whole mug, walks over to a window, jumps, and falls 50 stories to his death. The bartender looks at the gentlemen and says, โyouโre such a dick, Superman.โ
A husband and wife are arguing before a big Thanksgiving dinner.
The husband shouts "bitch!" the wife shouts back "bastard!".
Their son overhears them and asks "what does bitch and bastard mean? "
they answer "it means ladies and gentlemen"
Later the mom is stuffing the turkey and in frustration yells "fuck"
The son asks "what does fuck mean?"
The mom answers it means "stuffing"
The father can't find his condoms and yells to the wife if she's seen them
Later while the dad is shaving he cuts himself and says "shit"
The son promptly asks "what does shit mean?"
The dad answers is means shaving
Standing with mom the sons asks what condoms are, she answers it means jacket
When the guests finally arrive the son answers the door
"Hello bitches and bastards my dad is currently shitting in the bathroom and my mom is fucking the turkey, may I take your condoms?"
George W. Bush is being debriefed and is told that yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed. He says "Oh no! That's terrible!" and puts his head in his hands, distressed.
A moment later, he looks up and asks "How many is a Brazilian?"
So there's this up and coming American wrestler who makes it into the Olympics and because he is such a low seed, he gets matched up against the raining gold medalist from Russia who has never lost a match in his life. This Russian has his own move that he developed called The Twister and he's used it to pin every opponent he's come up against. So the whistle blows and the match starts and just like everyone expects, the Russian throws The Twister and it looks like it is all over for the American when all of a sudden in a burst the American jumps up off his back and lands on the Russian pinning him. No one can believe it and camera crews rush the mat to interview the young American. A reporter asks, "How did you do it? No one has ever escaped The Twister before!" The young American looks up and says, "Well I thought it was over when I looked up and saw a pair of testicles dangling in my face. So I bit them as hard as I could and let me tell you, I was shocked to find out they were my own."
My tupac facts.
What is tupac's favorite shoes?
The shoepac
What's tupac's favorite museum?
The louvrepac
What's tupac's favorite martial art?
Kung tupac
What's tupac's favorite food?
Shrimp fried rice
What does tupac always need at the dinner table?
The salt shakur
Yes I'm corny. I am pretty sure I made up the joke.
Three men are captured by a cannibalistic tribe. They are all brought before the tribeโs chief.
The chief looks them over and then commands them. โGo out into the jungle and gather twelve of the same kind of fruit. Return here once youโre done. And do not try to escape. The jungle is 50 miles away from the nearest city.โ
So the men all go out to collect their fruit. The first man comes back with apples. The chief then tells him, โNow, we are going to place all these apples in your rectum. If you show any kind of pain or emotion on your face, we will kill you and eat you. If you pass, we will let you go.โ
The man bends over and the chief begins to put an apple in his ass. The man immediately cries out in pain so the tribe kills him and eats him. The second man returns with blueberries. The chief gives him the same instructions and the man gets eleven berries in his ass before he suddenly bursts out laughing. The tribe then kills him and eats him.
The two dead men meet in the afterlife.
โHeyโ says the first man. โYou were so close to being set free. Why did you start laughing?โ The second man says โI couldnโt help it. The third guy came back with pineapples.โ
What's the number one cause of pedophiia?
All those sexy little bitches.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Yes, I'm funny. But looks aren't everything"
beserkk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a huge fan of puns but my local newspaper was having a contest to see who could write the best one. So I gave it a shot, sat down and wrote 10 puns and sent them into the newspaper. I waited about a week and I called the newspaper to see if any of my puns had won the contest.
Jesus was with his disciples at the last supper, he said, "yo guys, this is my body and blood your consuming" the disciples say "no way" Jesus said "Wahweh"
Guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him to take his clothes off. He carefully examines the man's genitals and tells him "You're going to have to stop masturbating". Patients asks why, the doc says "because I'm not done your exam yet."
Me: A German Nazi goes up to a Jewโs door. Knock, knock.
Them: Whoโs there?
Me: (Slaps them in the face) *German accent โVee vill ask zee questions!โ
Got this from my drunk coworker at a work party. The kicker was he did it to our boss. I, completely sober, froze when he actually slapped our boss in the face. Good thing he had a good sense of humor or else I might have not seen him at work that next Monday.
My last name is Goodwin. So every time someone says, "that was a good one", I always reply, "yes, that was a Goodwin". I think it's hysterical and I don't care if nobody ever catches on.
A man sees two attractive women sitting at the bar, walks up and sits next to them. While thinking of his best pickup line, he hears a peculiar accent throughout their conversation. "They speak English, but they definitely aren't American," he thought.
Seeing his queue for an opening, he asks,
"So where you ladies from? England?"
One of the women rolls her eyes and lets out a snarky reply.
"ITS WALES."
What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in bathroom? The girl in church has a soul full of hope whereas the girl in bathroom has a hole full of soap.
I just say the real joke is always in the comments. Works every time.
JkaneH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work at an observatory, and give talks about the solar system. So whenever I get to Saturn my joke is
Now it's the planet that is so beautiful the universe took Beyoncรจs advice and put a ring on it.
Gets at least a giggle from my crowd
abys84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a blow job and anal?
One makes your day... the other makes your hole weak.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He walks up to the teller, a sheep named Barbra Paddywack. The frog tells the sheep he would like a loan and she begins to ask him a series of questions.
She asks, โAlright, well, whatโs your name?โ
The frog answers, โMy nameโs Kermit, of course.โ
โYouโre not Kermit the Frog, Iโve seen Kermit the frog!โ She exclaims.
โNo, no,โ Kermit assures, โnot Kermit the Frog. Iโm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger.โ
โOh.โ Barbra says, then asks him another question. โDo you at least have anything we can use as collateral in the event that you donโt pay your loan off in time?โ
Kermit pulls a tiny purple figurine out of his pocket. โJust this,โ he replies.
โBarbra takes the figurine and huffs. โIโm going to discuss this with my boss.โ And the Ms. Paddywack gets up and walks briskly to her bossโ office. When she gets there Barbra tells her boss about Kermit and his loan request.
โWell,โ her boss begins, โdoes he have any collateral?โ
โOnly this little figurine. I donโt even know what it is!โ Barbra huffs.
The boss takes the little purple figurine and looks it over, raises his eyebrows, and then nods his head firmly. He looks back at the sheep and says,
โThatโs a knickknack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old manโs a Rolling Stone.โ
This one is kind of dark, but it cracks me up everytime
There's a mother with 3 children: Snowflake, Flower, and Brick.
One day, Snowflake asks her mother Why is my name Snowflake? and mom replies Because when you were born, a little snowflake fell on your head. Then Flower asks, Then, why is my name Flower? and the mother replies Because when you were born, a little flower fell on top of your head. And then Brick asks usuhebbd dhruu dygdb ureoskn?
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. He was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, and mating habits.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
A friend of mine used to work in "oops sorry that was a Freudian clit " when he could. It was terrific! Cause he wouldn't even bat an eyelash. If you got it you got it.
Lur42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So you know why six was afraid of seven right? (Because seven eight nine.) Why though did seven eat nine? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
(done as in a picket line) WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING AIRPLANES!!!! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWwwww
cbdudek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three nuns die and go to heaven. Up at the pearly gates, Saint Peter says they can each go in so long as they answer a question.
First nun steps up. Saint Peter asks, "Who was the first person to set foot in the garden of eden?" The nun confidently says "Adam".
The angels sing, the bells chime, and a light shines down on the nun as the gates open and she walks through into heaven.
The second nun steps up. Saint Peter asks, "Who was the second person to set foot in the garden of eden?" The second nun confidently says, "Eve of course!"
The angels sing, the bells chime, and a light shines down on the nun as the gates open and she walks through into heaven.
The third nun steps forward. Saint Peter asks, "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?" The nun thinks for a moment and scratches her chin. She says, "oh boy, that's a hard one. โ
The angels sing, the bells chime, and a light shines down on the nun as the gates open and she walks through into heaven.
4 nuns die and arrive at the gates of heaven, to be greeted by St. Peter, standing next to a bowl of holy water. He says,
โSisters, welcome to heaven! Before I can let you into the kingdom, you must confess your sins you never have during your life.โ
So the first nun walks up and says โforgive me father for I have sinned, for in my life I have laid eyes upon a mans penis.โ St. Peter responds โvery well, wash your eyes with this holy water and enter heaven.โ The nun washes her eyes, and enters. Now the second nun comes up and says โforgive me father for I have sinned, I have at one time touched a manโs penis.โ He tells her to wash her hands with the holy water, and proceed to the kingdom of God.
Now the third and fourth nun start pushing each other, making their way to the water. St. Peter stops them and says,
โSisters! What has come over you!โ The fourth nun responds,
โI only want to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in there!โ
When I want to end a conversation I'll say "Well, you know, there are two different types of people in this world. Those that can infer from incomplete evidence." And then I get up and leave
crnext ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bobby was playing with his trains set while his mom was cooking and cleaning the kitchen. She would hear the train run then slow down to a stop. Bobby would then say, "All you mother flickers getting off the train its departure time. And all you motherfuckers getting on, we leave the station in one minute.
His mom overheard and came into his room. She made Bobby go to time out in the corner while he learned how to filter his words before cussing.
After an hour she told Bobby he could play with his trains, as long as he learned his lesson and doeant cuss any more. He nodded in agreement. She began washing the dishes.
She heard the train slow and come to a stop. Then, she heard her son say:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to thank you for traveling with Bobby Rail lines. Those of you who are departing, please watch your step on the platform."
"To those of you who will be embarking with us today, please feel free to stow your luggage in the provided compartment and a conductor will be along to punch your ticket. If anyone has complaints about the hour delay, please speak to the bitch in the kitchen."
So this girl crab has never had a boyfriend all her life. Her friends keep pointing out good-looking boy crabs to her, but she keeps saying, "I want to find someone different, they all seem the same!"
Then one day she sees a boy who's walking straight, instead of sideways like all the other crabs. She immediately approaches him, talks to him, they like each other, whirlwind courtship yada yada yada, get married that very evening. The wedding night is awesome.
The next morning girl crab wakes up, and sees the boy (well, he's a man now I suppose) walk out of the bathroom - walking sideways like all the other crabs. She's furious and begins to yell at him - "I thought you were different from everyone else, but you're walking sideways now! Did you do it on purpose?"
Man crab is sheepish. "You don't expect me to be drunk all the time, do you?"
Zarron4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to tell Chemistry jokes more often, but now I only tell them periodically.
I would tell more, but all the good ones Argon.
Corbeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
gigi414 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh (its a lot better spoken, and gets people every time, at least for me)
moby323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one because you can change up the language/cursing to make it a cleaner joke.
Anyway: A guy goes out one night, partying with his friends. At the end of the night he suggests they go back to his place so he can show them his new apartment. They get to the apartment and are getting the tour when one of them sees a huge gong in the corner.
"What's up with the gong?", the friend asks. The guy says, "It's not a gong, that's talking clock."
"What are you talking about?", the friend says, "That's clearly a fucking gong."
So the guy says, "No, I'm serious. It's a talking clock. See, you take that hammer over there and you hit the gong as hard as you can, and then it tells you the time."
The friend is incredulous and says, "I gotta see this for myself." He grabs the hammer, rears back, and hits it: "GOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGG!!!!!!!!"
A few moments of silence follow, and then from the other side of the wall they hear, "HEY ASSHOLE!!! It's 3:30 in the morning!"
What's Helen Keller's favorite poem? Roses are black, violets are black, I'm Helen Kellar.
What did Helen Kellar get for Christmas? Something soft. Doesn't matter, tell her it's a sweater.
What did Helen Kellar say when she fell down a well? waves hands uncontrolably
How do you punish Helen Kellar? Doorknobs everywhere.
Did you see that awesome picture of Helen Kellar's family? No? Neither did she.
What was princess Diana wearing during the crash? Crushed velvet.
It doesn't matter who you are talking to, at least one in the string will get a chuckle. The Diana is the 'ace in the hole'. Throw in one safety joke at the end. While some people won't admit that they find the Helen Kellar jokes funny, it is building up inside them and they will blow out for the last one. Tell a dumb joke that is sure to please whoever it is you are talking to and you will find the responding laughter a bit too much for the one quip.
Two doctors stand in line at the cafeteria of the hospital they work at.
One doctor says to the other โ My elbow hurtsโ
The other replies โYou should go to Wal-Martโ
โWhy would I go to Wal-Mart?โ
โYou havenโt heard about the new machine they have in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?โ
โNoโ
โWell you give it $10 and a urine sample and it gives you a print out of everything wrong with you and how to fix itโ
โGet the fuck out of here!โ
โIโm totally being serious, check it outโ
So he does. After his shift, he goes to Wal-Mart, puts $10 in the machine he finds in the pharmacy and gives it a urine sample. The print out reads:
โYou have TENNIS ELBOW. Apply ice packs off and on for two weeks, keep from strenuous activity and it will healโ
So the doctor is thinking: Man, pretty soon machines are going to be doing my job!? ....... Hmm, I wonder how accurate it is?
So the next day he gets a mason jar. He fills it up halfway with water from his tap. He gets his wife and his daughter to pee in it. He grabs a piece of his dogโs crap and throws that in there and just for good measure, he jerks off a load into it. He goes to Wal-Mart, gives the machine $10 and pours this concoction in.
It takes a minute but the printout reads:
โYour water is hard, buy water softener. Your dog, has worms, get it anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter, has a coke habit, get her to rehab. Your wife, is pregnant, itโs not yours, get a lawyer and if you donโt stop masterbating, that elbow is never going to healโ
Two cows are standing in a field.
Cow 1: โHey, did you hear about that mad cow disease going around?โ
Cow 2: โWhat are you talking about? Iโm a helicopter.โ
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street. Suddenly the brunette says, "Oh my god, look at that dog with one eye!". The blonde raises her hand up to her face, covers one of her eyes, looks around with the other and says, "Where!?"
While fishing, grandfather lights a cigarette. Johnny asks if he could have one, and grandpa says, โwell, can your dick touch asshole?,โ to which Johnny replied โno.โ So grandpa says, โwell then, thatโs your answer.โ
A few minutes later, grandpa opens a bottle of beer. Johnny asks if he could have one, but grandpa says, โWell, can your dick touch your asshole?โ Johnny says no once again, and grandpa says,โthere you go, thatโs your answer.โ
Later on, Johnny and grandpa head home. Johnny is greeted by his grandma in the kitchen with a glass of milk and some cookies. As when Johnny is about to sit down and enjoy his treats, grandpa asks him if he could have some. Johnny replies, โWell, can your dick touch your asshole?โ Grandpa happily replies, โyes.โ Johnny then said, โWell then, you can go fuck yourself since grandma gave them to me!โ
Because they want to fit in they start doing all the American things like going to a Baseball game and such. During this one asks the other, in hushed tone: "Did you hear that they eat dogs here?"
"Yes. I think we should try it."
So they head over to the Hot Dog stands and order "Two Dogs, please."
They receive their food in separate bags and head back to their seats. Both take a long breath and look into their bags.
Finally one of them ask: "Which part did you get?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You guys hear about the new corduroy pillow cases? Theyre making headlines everywhere
Jesus is being crucified at the top of a hill. A Roman soldier is guarding the crucifixion site, and the Apostles and other mourners are gathered at the foot of the hill. Amidst the weeping and wailing, the Apostle John hears Jesus crying out to him:
"John! John, where are you?"
John springs to his feet and shouts, "My lord, I'm coming!" He races up the hill, but the Roman soldier draws his sword, lops off John's left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. John rolls and rolls before coming to a stop in a ditch. Lying there, covered in blood and dirt, John hears Jesus calling out to him again.
"John! John, my faithful friend, where are you?"
John pulls himself out of the ditch, and shouts up the hill: "I'm coming, my lord! I swear I will not abandon you!" He begins to hop up the rocky slope. Seeing him, the Roman guard sighs, draws his sword again, and chops off John's other leg. John rolls down the hill again, coming to a stop in the same ditch. Woozy from blood loss, he hears Jesus calling out once again, his voice more desperate than before.
"John! Please, John, I have something I must tell you!"
John is filled with a renewed energy. Now legless, he pulls himself out of the ditch again and begins clawing his way up the hill. The Roman guard, by now, is very tired of all this and takes pity on John, sheathing his sword and allowing the Apostle to crawl past him. Finally, John reaches the base of the cross. Jesus is dangling above him. Weakly, he calls out:
"My lord! My lord, I am here. What is it you wished to tell me?"
Jesus smiles down at him. His voice, despite the pain he must be in, is steady and warm.
A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.
Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk โRah, all the cards are 3 of heartsโ, or โRah, the rabbit was in the table.โ The magicians act is ruined.
Then one day, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks.
The magician is the only survivor, but the parrot flies down to his piece of debris and stares at him. For days they stare at each other, tension filling the air.
Until one day, the parrot finally breaks the silence and says, โI give up. Whatโd you do with the ship?โ
Everytime I get a haircut and someone asks me "hey, did you get a haircut?" I always reply with, "no, my hair just falls off like that every now and then."
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender responds "we don't serve your kind in here."
The rope, distraught, leaves the bar, tangles himself up, unwinds, and goes back into the bar to try again.
The bartender says "aren't you that same rope that was just in here?"
The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot."
A kid and his grandpa were sitting on the porch together, enjoying the breeze on a cool summer day. Grandpa pulls out a cigar, lights it up, and starts taking puffs off of it.
The kid asks the grandpa, "What's that?"
Grandpa responds, "Its a cigar."
The kid asks, "Can I try it?"
Grandpa quickly responds with "can your dick touch your butthole?"
The kid responds, "no, it can't."
Grandpa says, "Then you're too young to try."
Some time passes, it's now mid afternoon, and the kid and his grandpa were sitting in the kitchen, having a snack, when grandpa pills out a bottle of scotch and pours himself a glass.
The kid asks the grandpa, "What's that?"
Grandpa responds, "Its whiskey."
The kid asks, "Can I try it?"
Grandpa responds with "can your dick touch your butthole?"
The kid responds, "No, it can't."
Grandpa says, "Then you're too young to try."
Later that night, after dinner, the kid and his grandpa were sitting on the couch in the living room when grandpa pulls out some dip and puts some in his mouth.
The kid asks the grandpa, yet again, "What's that?"
The grandpa, slightly annoyed, responds with, "Its tobacco, and no you can't try it."
"Why not?" The kid asks.
"Does your dick touch your butthole?" Grandpa asks, a third time.
The kid responds, "no, it can't."
Grandpa says, "Then you're too young to try."
A few minutes later, the kid goes into the kitchen where grandma is, and comes back out with a huge plate of cookies, and sits down next to grandpa.
Grandpa looks at the cookies, and asks, "Hey, whatcha got there?"
"Cookies," says the kid.
"Well, can I have one?" Grandpa asks, mouth watering.
The kid looks at grandpa and says, "can your dick touch your butthole?"
"Why, it absolutely can!" Says grandpa.
"Then you can go fuck yourself because grandma made these for me."
A train conductor accidentally ran over the mayorโs wife, and was sent to the electric chair. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and the man asked for a cigar. Tobacco was very rare at the time, so they searched all across the land until they finally found one. The man smoked the cigar, the executioner pulls the lever, and nothing happens. The next day, he was sent back to the electric chair, and was allowed one last request. The man asked for two cigars. So they searched all across the land until they found them. He smoked the cigars, the mayor hooked up twice as much power to the electric chair, the executioner pulled the lever, and nothing happened. The mayor was furious. The next day, they put him back in the electric chair, asked for his last request, and he asked for three cigars. They searched all across the land until they found them, and the man smoked all three cigars. Then the mayor diverted all of the cityโs power to the chair. The executioner pulled the lever, and nothing happened. The mayor demanded to know what was going on, to witch the executioner replied; โhe must be a bad conductorโ
Two hunters are walking in the woods when suddenly one of them falls and lies still. The other hunter pulls out his cellphone and calls 911 in a panic.
"Help, help! My friend is dead!"
"Keep calm, first, make sure he is dead"
The call is silent, then boom!!!
" Done, now what?"
gerny27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the farmer start his own rock-n-roll band?
Well, he was tired of HAULIN' OATS!
(Neil Hamburger)
Two blondes stand on different sides of a river. One yells to the other โHow do you get to the other sideโ the other blonde yells back โyou are on the other sideโ
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? Because if it bad 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan! (Badum-tss)
ehMove ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know how I can tell a train just went by?
It left its tracks.
moby323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is Jewish and he loves Jewish jokes, he told me this one:
A priest and a rabbi are in NYC when they get in a car accident at an intersection. The rabbi's car is in really bad shape, and the priest gets out to check on him. "My God! Are you OK?!", he asks.
The rabbi says he is fine. The priest says, "What a miracle! Your car is completely destroyed!" The rabbi says, "Can you believe it? Not a scratch on me. In fact, this bottle of yeshiva wine I had in my pocket is still intact." He pulls the bottle out and offers the priest a drink. "Thank you!! My nerves are totally shot." the priest says. He takes a couple of long pulls on the bottle and hands it back to the rabbi, but the rabbi just looks at him. "Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks. "Not until after the cops get here."
CloudSA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a Frenchman, an American and a Canadian are all on a boat that's sinking, and they have to throw something overboard that their country has too much of if they want to survive.
The Frenchman throws off some snails, the American throws off some gun and ammo, and the Canadian throws off the Frenchman.
Two friends are hiking in the forest when they come across a Grizzly Bear. "Run!" says the first guy and they both take off, with the bear in hot pursuit.
"This is crazy" says the second man, "we'll never be able to outrun this bear!"
"I don't have to outrun the bear" says the first man, "I just have to outrun you."
An old stripper told me this one. It's perhaps one of the most offensive jokes to some people but it made my hardcore fundamentalist preacher neighbor laugh his ass off. "Why did all the ladies love Jesus?" Stretch out hands like you're on the cross, "Cause he was hung like this."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were two sausages in a frying pan. One looks over at the other and says, โwow, itโs hot in here.โ And the other says โOH MY GOD!A TALKING SAUSAGE!โ
3 guys are hanging out at a constitution site and they want to figure out how strong they are. So they decide to each take brick and throw it in the air as hard as the can, and it will drop into a pile of mud and they'll measure how deep the brick goes. The first guys throws his brick then it sinks 2 feet in the mud. The second guys throws his brick then it sinks 5 feet in the mud. The third guy say " Impressive, but I can surely beat that." Then he throws his brick in the air.... It never comes down.
A woman wants to go see her mother who is depressed and she knows her pet parrot will always cheer her mother up. However the only flight she can get is listed as a "No pet/No smoking" flight. So she decides to smuggle her parrot on the plane in her coat. She somehow manages to do this and sneak a bird past security. During the flight the pilot comes out to go to the bathroom however the sees that the pilot is chomping on a huge cigar. On his way back to the cockpit he noticed the woman's jacket is lumpy and making noises, so he says "Excuse me ma'am is there something wrong." She says that everything is fine, but still skeptical the pilot pretends to walk away then quickly open the woman's jacket. With the parrot now revealed the pilot snacthes it in his hands and screams at the woman " No pets allowed your not suppose to have a parrot on this plane!" Then he throws the parrot out of the emergency exit. Distraught that her parrot has just been lost forever the woman starts crying and says "Oh yeah well your not supposed to be smoking on this plane!" Then she throws the cigar out of the plane. Pissed off that he lost his cigar the pilot goes back to the cock pit. When he sits back down at the controls he looks over and sees the parrot in the window with something in its mouth.
What did the parrot have in its mouth?
The Brick.
rrab04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A French, English and American man are captured by the natives of a country they're in. The native's chief comes out and tells the men, "You will all die, we are going to kill you and skin you for canoes. However, you get to decide how you will die."
The English man decides he will shoot himself with a pistol. He says "Long live the queen" and pulls the trigger. He falls over and dies.
The French man decides that he will drink poison. He drinks it and proclaims "C'est la vie," then falls minutes after.
The American man says "give me a fork." Once he's given it, he starts rapidly stabbing himself with it. The chief asks him "What the hell are you doing?" The American man says "Good luck with your canoe."
MaxyNee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was visiting my uncle Basil last weekend, he doesn't have Alzheimer or anything that serious but his memory has been getting pretty bad. He's been taking some medication for it though, so I says to him I says "hey there uncle Basil how's that's memory medication going so far, is it starting to work for ya?"
"Well it's a damned hard thing to tell, to be honest I'm really not sure."
"What's the medication called anyway there uncle? I never heard of that kind of thing before."
"I'm uhhh...it's...oh for gods sake, what's the name of that flower? The really pretty one? Smells real nice?"
"Oh boy I'm not too sure, a daffodil maybe?"
"No no not daffodil...you'd give one to a girl that you like on a date, know the one?"
"Uh is it a carnation?"
"No no not that, it's red, it's a beautiful red flower!"
"Ohhh a rose you must mean!"
"Yes yes! Yes that's the one! ROSE!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE NAME OF THAT MEDICATION IM TAKING!?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A soldier on leave doesn't want to rejoin his unit when they are heading back to the fighting. He sees a nun and begs her "please help me hide, I don't want to go back to the front."
The nun says "hide underneath my habit, but promise not to open your eyes." The soldier promises.
After his unit gives up looking for him and leaves, the nun tells him it's safe to come out now. When he does, she thanks him for keeping his promise and not opening his eyes.
"How do you know I didn't open my eyes?" He asks.
The nun replies, in a much deeper voice "I don't want to go back to the front either."
A penguin is having car troubles..so he stops in to see his local mechanic. The mechanic says it might take awhile, so the penguin decides to leave his car and take a walk down to the local dairy queen.
After about 20 minutes, the penguin makes his way back to the shop and asks the mechanic how it's coming along.
The mechanic says " it looks like you blew a seal"
To which to penguin replys "NO, NO! I just had an ice cream cone!"
A guy is at a ball game sitting way up high in the cheap seats. Looking down, he sees a fellow on the fifty down low with a great view - and the seat next to him is empty. So he makes the trip down and asks, "Excuse me sir, is this seat taken?"
And the fellow answers, "Well, my wife and I came to every game for fifty years and sat in these exact seats, but she died."
So the first guy says, "Gee, sorry. But ... These are terrific seats. Couldn't you find a buddy or relative to come to the game with you?"
Then the fellow answers, "No, they're all at the funeral."
A man is in his doctor's office, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
The man says, "Oh no doc! But why?!?"
The doctor says, "BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMINATION."
cjaxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone complains at work about not getting paid enough money or getting paid on time. I always say "Wait... you guys are getting paid?" never fails always gets laughs
A lady goes to a bakery and asks the baker for bagels. The baker says "sorry we don't make bagels". She leaves. She comes back the next day and asks for bagels again. The baker reminds her again that they don't serve bagels. She leaves. The following day the lady comes back and asks the baker for bagels. Frustrated, the baker asks her a question, "can you spell CAT as in Cation?" The lady replies "C-A-T". He then asks "can you spell DOG as in DOGmatic?" The lady says "D-O-G". He then asks "can you spell FUCK as in Bagels?" She says "there's no fuck in bagels". The baker says "that's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Three engineering students were arguing one day about what type of engineer created the human body. First student says well obviously itโs a mechanical engineer look at the way all the muscles and bones and everything works together yes definitely mechanical engineer. The second student says no no no itโs a chemical engineer nothing would work without all the chemicals that make everything work between the brain and the organs yes yes definitely a chemical engineer. The third student said no now youโre both wrong itโs a civil engineer. The other two look at himLike heโs crazy and say how could it possibly be a civil engineer? The third student says simple. Who else would put a recreational area right next to a toxic waste dump?
Two penguins are sitting in a canoe in the middle of a desert, just rowing away with the canoe just going in circles in the sand( one penguin turns to the other penguin and says โwhereโs your oar,โ the other penguin says, โsure does.โ
The Power Rangers are gathered for a mission. The Pink Ranger yells โpink power!โ The Red Ranger yells โred power!โ The Yellow Ranger yells โyellow power!โ The White Ranger stands up and says โ...so how you guys doinโ?โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
As a Native American my go to joke is โYou got any Indian in you?โ Depending on a yes or no answer I fire back with โWant some?โ Or โWant some more?โ
jstnjns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I have cleared a plate or bowl while out to eat and the server comes by to pick it up, I say "awful, I hated it..."
I was at dinner with my wife and mother-in-law. Mother-in-law said " I have an important request. I would like to be cremated"
I said "Great, I'll get you coat"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey and Minnie are in court getting divorced. The judge says to Mickey "im sorry I can't grant you a divorce in the fact you say your wife is crazy". Mickey replies "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin goofy!"
Its a double but, "Why couldnt the lil boy go to see the pirate movie...cause it was rated RRRR" Then hit em with this second one "Whats a pirates favorite letter?" Let them answer with the obv R, and the say "no you dummy its the Sea (C)" and give them a nice lil finger hook gesture
Translated from native language but I wanted to join in.
A wide mouthed frog lived in a pretty meadow, with lots of bugs and sun.
One day the wide mouthed frog meets a stork, and asks โwhat are you?โ
It says that heโs a stork.
โOh!โ The wide mouthed little frog says โwhat does someone like you eat?โ
The stork tells that he eats little wide mouthed frogs.
The frog puckers his lips and says โoh really? Seen anyone recently?โ
My cousins loves this. Itโs child friendly obviously. Haha.
tro111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 idiots argued over what animal tracks they found before getting run over by a train.
JinNJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do security at a hotel. When Iโm in public spaces, Iโll let young kids give me 5, then pretend it hurts like hell. Seeing a security guard my size (6โ6โ 260+ pounds) โcryโ ALWAYS makes the little ones laugh.
A kid goes up to his dad and asks him what's the difference between potentially and realistically. The dad tells him to go up to his sister and ask her if she would sleep with the mailman for 1 million dollars. So the boy goes and asks and comes back and says yes she would. The dad then says, okay go ask your mom the same question. Boy goes and asks and comes back and says yes she would as well.
The dad then says to the boy. We can potentially be millionaires but realistically we have 2 whores living in the house with us.
So I was reading in the newspaper the other day, it said that scientists have discovered that diarrhea is actually genetic! They say that it runs in your jeans.
Old couple from Texas are driving thru Oregon. They pull up to a gas station to fill up. The attendant comes out.
Gas Station Attendant: Morning, how may I help you?
Old Man: Fill it up with regular.
Old Woman: WHAT? WHAT DID YA SAY?
OM: I TOLD THE MAN TO FILL IT UP
OWS: oh, ok
GSA: So Texas plates, I was there once, where yall from?
OM: Weโre from Corpus Christi.
OWS: WHAT? WHAT DID YA SAY?
OM: I TOLD HIM WEโRE FROM CORPUS CHRISTI!
OWS: oh, ok.
GSA: WOW! Iโve been to Corpus Christi! Man, I got the sorriest piece of ass when I was there.
OWS: WHAT? WHAT DID HE SAY
OM: HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA!!
What's the difference between your mother/sister and a washing machine. The washing machine doesn't call you a hundred times after you put a load in her
A woman's husband passes away, and for his funeral the widow requests that he be wearing a tuxedo (as he was the night they met), no matter the cost. The funeral comes and goes, and the deceased looks handsome and solemn in a splendid tuxedo.
A while later the widow receives a bill for a comparatively small amount. Reasoning that the funeral director must have found some bargain, she takes a little solace in the savings. However, another bill for the same amount arrives a month later; possibly some clerical error, she figures. But then another bill comes the next month, and the next month, and the next, and finally she goes to see the funeral director and asks him what is going on. The director replies "Oh, the store I went to didn't have any for sale, so I rented one."
There was a man who was married to a woman named Lorraine.
However, the man truly loved a woman named Clearly.
Sooner than later, Lorraine passed away and at the funeral the man said, โI can see Clearly now Lorraine is goneโ.
Vurje ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few years ago I had been calling in sick for work a lot. One morning I called my boss to tell him I was sick again and that I wouldn't be coming in to work. My boss was done with my shenanigans and said that I would have to come in anyways. I said I'm too sick to come in. He asked, well how sick are you? I said, well, I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?
A little late but I like to tell my story about when I was in French class, got a test, looked at it, went up to the teachers desk and said "Dude this test is in a different language"
A pirate with a steering wheel stuck to his crotch walks into a bar, the bartender asks "what's the deal with the steering wheel?" The pirate responds "Arrrrr, it's driven me nuts."
I heard this joke as we were walking by and I cackled like a maniac, so now I've taken it for my own -
"What did one strawberry say to the other?
If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"
Why did the stadium get hot once the game was over?
All the fans left.
Aldjmc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy goes to his first day of school. At lunch, he notices one of his friends has a Thermos. He asks his friend what it does, and the friend replies โit keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold. Today I have soup in itโ. The boy was amazed. On the second day of school the notices that another friend has a Thermos. Again, the boy asks about it, and the reply is โit keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold. Today I have some ice cold lemonade in itโ. The boy was amazed. On the third day of school, the boy could hardly wait to show his friends the Thermos his mom bought for him. At lunch, his friends asked what was in his Thermos, and he replied โtwo hot dogs and a popsicleโ.
A man and his wife are driving down a winding road with a speed limit of 55. There is an air of tension in the car -obviously something is wrong. The wife says to the husband that she wants a divorce. Their marriage does not have the spark it once did, he has put on weight, and he does not take care of her the way he used to. He nods and accelerates to 60.
The wife then tells the husband that she has a good lawyer and the lawyer is going to make sure she gets the house and half of his assets. Sheโll also get custody of their children. The husband nods and accelerates to 65.
The wife, now disgruntled by his lack of a reaction informs her husband that she has been having an affair with his boss for the last 7 months, and that he was ten times better in bed than he has ever been. The husband nods and accelerates to 70.
The wife, now irate, begins to scream โHave you nothing to say you coward? Donโt you have any spine?โ
As the husband accelerates to 75 mph, he calmly says to his wife โYou can have my house, my money, my children, and my pride. However, there is one thing I will not allow you to have.โ
The wife shouts โOh yeah, whatโs that?โ
He accelerates to 85 and says, as calmly as he has the whole ride โthe airbagโ
Whenever youโre sitting in a sauna you can go with the old โUh itโs so hot in here it feels like Iโm sitting in a sauna or something?โ - Courtesy of Jeremy from Peep show
3 men are walking through the woods and come across a trail. The first guy goes down the middle, but nothing really eventful happens. The second guy goes down the left path and about halfway through he sees a sign saying "blowjobs $5." He puts in $5 & gets head. The same thing happens to the third guy who went down the right path. Awhile later the paths all met up again & the guy on the left said "I just had the best head of my life!" The guy on the right said "no way dude me too!" The one in the middle with a huge grin said "I made $10 today."
Bob8372 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
.... "Keep the tip".
rfox93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I find someone with a fucked humor like me I use:
โWhatโs worse than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree? A dead baby stoked to 10 trees.โ
Other than that I use sarcasm and impersonations. People love it.
Jagza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a knock knock joke, but you have to start it
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:05 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Jagza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:48 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the world's largest bounce castle?it's actually a full size apartment. Has a small swimming pool and everything. The only Issue is the rent on place is crazy outrageous. Cause' ya know. Inflation.
JLR- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is going on business trip to Jamaica and his wife is super paranoid about him cheating so she makes him tattoo her name on his penis.. "WENDY".. So he lands in Jamaica and he has to piss so he goes to use the restroom, while pissing he happens to look over and he sees this Jamaican guy who has the same initials on his dick "WY".. he says no way is you're wife's name Wendy too? and he goes no.. unravels his huge horse cock and it read "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day"
My therapist refused to keep seeing me after I explained why my best friend hated me. See, he caught me sniffing his little sisters panties. I put them back and apologized, but he kept going on all about how I'm "a sick piece of shit" and "why would you do that" and "you ruined her funeral"
When people come up to me and say, "There's nothing worse than flying with a baby. Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane." I tell them they are wrong and that I disagree with them. I can give you four instances when flying with a baby was awesome... Although they were all on 9/11.
There's two eggs boiling in a pan. One of them turns to the other and says "fucking hell it's hot in here isn't it?" The other one turns round and says "wait until you get outside and get your head bashed in!!"
A man books tickets to see his favorite band in concert. Heโs been saving up, and is really looking forward to going
He gets to the concert early and sits down in the front row. Not very many people are in the audience, but he hears someone behind him yell
โHey Mike!โ
He gets up and turns around to see who said it, but he doesnโt see anyone he knows. He sits down, kind of annoyed.
Later on, more people are starting to file in and he hears it again
โHey Mike!โ
He gets back up to look around and see who said it. He looks back and forth but still finds no one that he knows. He sits back down, even more annoyed.
Now, the band is about to come on, itโs a full house in the audience. He hears the call again
โHey Mike!โ
He furiously springs from his seat and yells back
โMy nameโs not Mike!โ
tylin50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two humpback whales are sitting at a bar enjoying Jack and cokes. The 1st whale smiles at the 2nd one and says: AAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHhhhh?
The 2nd whale looks him up and and down, and says with a look of utter disdain on his face: "deep breath -Mark, you're drunk."
I wife is in a coma. I say โ doc what am I going to do?โ Dr. tells me there are some progressive methods for treating it, but they are a little unconventional. He tells me... โoral sexโ.. I say ......... โdocโ......... so I go into the room to my wife. I come back out a few minutes later. I say โdoc, sheโs just chokingโ
Descartes walks into a restaurant one evening.
As he takes his place at a table, a waiter approaches and asks:
โWould you like to try any of specials tonight, sir?โ
Descartes responds:
โI think notโ and promptly vanishes
Being Chinese, my favorite joke requires a Chinese accent--
A young woman had been trying to date for weeks, only to have the guys flake out or ghost her after getting intimate. She decided to go to her doctor to see if there was something wrong with something down "there". At the office, she sighs as she gets up when she hears, "Dr. Chang will see you now". She explains to Dr Chang that every time she tried to sleep with a date, they make some excuse and leave. Dr Chang tells her, "ho-kay, you taka off clothes then ton aroun and bend ova." The woman complies. Dr Chang says, "hmmm, ho-kay. You do tat again, onry this time you crawr forwad then backrards." She again complies. Dr Chang says, "I see now. You have X Ackaree disease." The concerned woman asks, "what's X Ackaree disease?!" Dr Chang says, "It's when your face rooks X Ackaree like your ass."
Had a boss come up to us on break one day, pointed in one if the new guy's face and said, "Boy you got that Ed Zachary disease... Your but looks like your face!"
We laughed because he fucked up the joke so bad
I just go on tangent rants and Norm Macdonald it all the way albeit horribly, but it sure does break the ice with an interesting story that gets them asking
Have you ever seen one of those videos where it starts on something really small and zooms out? I saw one he other day that started in on like an ant moving a crumb across a parking lot. And then it zoomed out to a bird hopping by and eating the ant and flying away. And while it was flying away it panned to a squirrel running across the road and then the camera began following a car. It zoomed out to a highway, and then a city, and then a country, and then the continent, and then the world, and then the solar system, and then the collection of solar systems, and it just keeps zooming out further and further and further and then the screen is black and it pans to a picture of Jesus and under it says โDonโt masturbate.โ
A pirate walks into a bar. He has the ships wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. Bartender says โthat doesnโt look very comfortable.โ Pirate responds โYarrr, itโs drivinโ me nutsโ
yhvh83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TL:DR
Whats the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
And
What do you get when you stab a dead baby with a knife ?
A erection.
Also -
What do you call a cow missing a leg?
-Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
-Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs ?
-Your mom
These are how I pick my friends and mortal enemies.
jltime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to know the difference between a gymnast and a stripper? A gymnast thrills with cunning stunts... (and then you trail off and if they donโt get it then it sucks to be them.)
(Also as much as I love telling it itโs very stressful and you have to say it very slowly)
various setups: woman in the surf at beach loses bikini top
a small boy looking on begins to approach
she sees him and stays in the water,
clasping her breasts with arms crossed
boy yells from shore:
"Don't drown those puppies!! I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
We have a running joke at work, Someone would say "I've never see one that small before" then can you say "I heard that once". Or "one more millimiter and it would touch the bottom"..."I heard that once".
It all started when one guy said he was wrong, and someone else said "I was wrong once". Once you get the hang of it you can pretty much say it all day long.
You can laugh at yourself of laugh at others depending how you word it.
There are two turtles in a bathtub, and they're making turtle soup.
One turns to the other, and says, "Hey, can you pass the salt?"
The other one turns, and says, "What do I look like, a typewriter!?"
Do you want to know the secret to catching a tiger?
Dig a hole in the ground and fill it with wood ash.
Line the rim of the hole with fresh or frozen peas.
When the tiger stops to take pea,
you have to kick it in the ash hole.
u60n0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"My dad used to beat me as a kid, and he would say 'Look [u60n0] , I don't want to hurt you - this is the only thing that gets me hard'" - Dave Attell
Casually dropping this one in a room of friends or coworkers never fails to get slack jaws and an occasional "oh my god". Love me some good shock humor
When you're out walking around and you need to fart, wait until you're walking by the restroom. That way, if somebody smells it, they think they know why.
Why couldn't the 13 year old watch the pirate movie?
Because it was rated Rrr.
It's from SpongeBob
mspax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman is speeding through the countryside knowing there's no one around. As she's crossing over a bridge she's caught by a police officer with a radar gun. The officer catches up to her and pulls her over.
Officer: You were going pretty fast back there. There some kind of emergency?
Woman: Yes, I'm a doctor.
Officer: What kind?
Woman: I'm an asshole stretcher.
Officer: What exactly do you do for your patients?
Woman: We start out with a 2 inch spacer and work our way up to about 6 feet .
Officer: And what exactly are you supposed to do with a 6 foot asshole?
Woman: I suppose you could put him at the end of a bridge in the countryside with a radar gun.
A hunter sat beside a fire telling stories to a group of doe eyed youth, "the bear came at me and nearly squeezed the life out of me till i dropped my gun, he then proceeded to bend down, pick it up, and point it into my back" there was an audible gasp "what did you do?" the audience asked, enthralled, "what could I do, I married his daughter"
So thereโs this crazy guy named Babaloo, he lives in a town called Babaloo, all he can say is Babaloo, and he takes a job at a grocery store.
One day, an old lady comes in and asks, โHow much are these apples?โ He replies, โBabalooโ because all he can say is Babaloo. So his manager comes out and says, โNo youโre supposed to say โOnly 25 cents!โ okay?โ
The next day the old lady comes back and asks, โHow fresh are these apples?โ He replies, โBabalooโ because all he can say is Babaloo. So his manager comes out and says, โNo youโre supposed to say โJust came in yesterday!โ okay?โ
The next day the old lady comes back and asks, โCan I buy these apples?โ He replies, โBabalooโ because all he can say is Babaloo. So his manager comes out and says, โNo youโre supposed to say โSure! If not today then maybe tomorrow!โ okay?โ
The next day a robber comes in and asks, โHow much money is in that register?โ To which Babaloo replies, โOnly 25 cents!โ
Robber: โYou trying to be fresh with me?โ
Babaloo: โJust came in yesterday!โ
Robber: โIโm gonna kill you, you smart ass!โ
Babaloo: โSure! If not today then maybe tomorrow!โ
Fin
C3POH66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender turns around to serve him and realizes that the pirate has a steering wheel where his crotch should be. The bartender asks:
โHey is that thing bothering you?โ
The pirate replies,
โAaaargh! Itโs driving me nuts!โ
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:56:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
C3POH66 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something only a Dutch person would understand: translate to English and say out loud: "ik geef mijn varken een vogel". The person would say "I give my pig a bird". And that is correct but would sound in Dutch: "I give my dick a handjob"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I often half-joke that I've watched too much Stand Up to be offended.
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap shorts.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says โWell, I can CLEARLY see ur nuts.โ
Im a medical student and when I use hand sanitizer I go:โmm smells like momโ Most people get it and start laughing but it happened once or twice that people just go totally quiet, which in a way is even more funny
There are 3 people in space: an American, a Russian, and a Mexican. The American and the Russian are arguing about which country has contributed more to space exploration. "We were first in space!" says the Russian. "We were first on the moon!" says the American. After a while they turn to the Mexican astronaut and ask, "And what has Mexico done?" in a mocking tone and laughing. The Mexican calmly replies, "We've got something big planned: we are going to land on the sun." The American and Russian laugh hysterically and ask, "Oh yea? How are you gonna do that? The sun is incredibly hot!" The Mexican astronaut replies, "Easy. We are gonna do it at night when its cooler."
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Boy, its sure getting hot in here." The second muffin looks at the first and says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
ltshep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have 2 that are always crowd pleasers.
1: So there are 3 guys that are bored after a rainy day. Theyโre trying to figure out what to do, and one of them recommends a brick throwing contest. Theyโd each grab a brick from the pile next to them and throw it into the air, and the further it sunk into the wet ground, the higher it went. They all agree.
So, the first guy steps up, readies himself, and flings the brick in the air. It goes up, and then falls into the mud, sinking half itsโ length down.
The second guy steps up, gets in a throwing stance, and chucks it upward. It goes up, and then falls into the mud, sinking itsโ entire length down.
Then the last guy steps up, really prepares himself, and just launches that brick into the air.
And it doesnโt come down.
โโ-
2: This lady wants to go visit her mother for the holidays. But her mother wants her to take her parrot too. The lady checks online, and all she can find is tickets on a no-smoking and no-parrot airline. She doesnโt want to disappoint her mom, so she decides to hide the parrot under her jacket and pretend that sheโs pregnant.
On-board and in the air, the pilot comes out to check on the passengers. He walks down smoking this huge cigar, puffing it as he greets everyone. He finally gets to the lady and asks how sheโs doing and how the flight is going for her.
She quickly answers โEverythingโs fine.โ Hoping heโll leave quickly. But before he does, the parrot speaks. โBrawk Polly-wanna-cracker.โ
The pilot asks โWhat was that?โ
The lady tells him โNothing! It was nothing.โ But the parrot speaks again. โBrawk Pretty bird.โ
The pilot reaches under her jacket and says โYouโre not supposed to have this on here! This is a no parrot airline!โ And throws the parrot out the window.
The lady, horrified and angered, grabs the pilotโs cigar and says โWell this is also a no smoking airline! You canโt have this!โ And throws the cigar out the window.
Theyโre both mad and the pilot storms off to the cabin. He sits down and suddenly hears a tapping on the window. He looks up and sees the parrot. And youโll never guess what was in itsโ mouth.
A guy walks into a bar and see's a very attractove women sat alone at the bar. He walks over to her and introduces himself.." hi.." he says. "i'm bond.."
"james bond? " she replies...
"no...unibond..he says.."i'm here to fill your crack.."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One laughs and says "Hehehe, I fucked your mother". The other guy says "Go home, dad, you're drunk".
holjol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man went to work abroad. Gypsies saw that nobody came to his house for a long period of time so they took it down and sold whatever could be sold. His neighbour saw the demolished house, so he figured he could make a cornfield on that guy's land. The guy returns and cannot find his house, but instead he has a cornfield.
He posts this story on facebook, and a guy comments: " Well now at least he has a cornfield "
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M LAUGHING, It's such a terrible joke told by my stupid friend but everytime I say it i cannot stop laughing.
A man sits in a bar when a horse walks in. The horse, in fluent English, asks for a scotch and soda, drinks it and then leaves.
"That was weird", says the man to the bartender.
"Sure was", the bartender replies. "He usually goes for beer"
A young boy in Auschwitz asks one of the guards where is father is.
In response the guard puts his finger in the air and answers: "Given this wind, probably over Moscow already."
i was driving in my car going down i-4 and there was an advertisement for boardwalk burgers, which is like this little shitty burger spot where like homeless people i guess just throw them on a grill or something and the sign said "come try the new boardwalk burgers" and i saw it out of the corner of my eyes and i was like boardwalk burgers, more like bored burgers, cuz the bored burgers aren't having any fun, and i loved it. it was my favorite joke i've ever told.
Two sausages were frying in a pan, one turned to the other and said, "It sure is hot in here isn't it." The other sausage exclaimed, "Holy shit a talking sausage!"
โOne a day ama going to Malta to picka โotel.
In da morning I goa down to eata da breakfast.
I tella da waitress โI wanna 2 pieces of toast.โ
She bringsa only 1 piece.
I tell her โI want 2 piece.โ
She tells me to go to the toilet.
I say โyou no understand, I wanna 2 piece on my plate!โ
She say โyou better not piece on the plate, you soon of a beech!โ
I donโt even know the lady, an she call me a soon of a beech!
Later I go to eat at a the biggera restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, buta no fork.
I tell her โI wanna the fork!โ
She tell me โeverybody wanna fork!โ
I tell her โyou no understand. I wanna fork on the table.โ
She say โyou bettera not fork on the table you soon of a beech.
I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no sheets on the bed.
I call the manager and say โI wanna sheet!โ
He tells me to go to the toilet.
I say โyou no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed.โ
He says โyou bettera not sheet on the bed, you soon of a beech!โ
I go down to a checkout and the man at the desk saya โpeace on you!โ
I saya โpeace on you too, you soon of a beech!โ
Iโma going backa to Italia!
I spend hours on Reddit weekly waiting for comment threads like this
yoop55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair
jursla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
โEmma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.โ
The lady canโt take this any more.
โYou foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!โ she retorted indignantly.
โIn this country we donโt speak aloud in public places about our sex livesโ
โHey, coola down ladyโ said the man.
โWho talkinโ abouta sex? Iโm a justa tellinโ my frienda how to spell Mississippiโ
I feel like people would be eager to laugh at this just to prove they understood the joke
NDY_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like how no jokes in the thread made me even smile
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar together and take a seat at the counter. "I'll take two beers," the man says, sliding one over to the giraffe. Both sit in silence as they quickly down their drinks, then the man orders another two. This continues for a while, until both man and giraffe are completely sloshed and the bartender finally cuts them off.
Their night at an end, the man drunkenly reaches into his back pocket, whips out his wallet, and slams a stack of bills down on the counter. He staggers a little, but manages to get down off the stool without incident. The giraffe, however, immediately falls to the floor, flat on his face, unconscious.
"Hey!" the bartender shouts at the man just before he reaches the exit. "You can't just leave that lyin' here!"
The man stumbles as he turns back around to motion at his fallen companion, slurring, "That's no lion, that's a giraffe."
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You donโt know?
Thatโs because you werenโt there man.
g_yotch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In his sleevies
Sithoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A group of Nazi spies get dropped off in England. A nasty storm happens, and all of them get lost in the sea. The last surviving spy crawls on the shore, takes his parachute off and starts limping under the rain. The mission can wait, all he can think of is getting warm and dry and some rest-- when suddenly he sees an orange light uphill.
He limps there, and it's a pub! Dry and warm and cozy, with a lit fireplace. He walks in, shivering, and asks a bartender:
It's not a joke but a story about when I went to Tijuana Mexico on Thanksgiving back in -94. Loots of beer and tequila, transgender prostitutes and me desperately needing to take a shit.
There's this church that's really old and the paint is all gone. So the owners just ask some guys that are friends of a friend to give it a fresh coat. They hand the guys the money and send them off to get some paint. But when the workers got to the paint store, they realized that they could just buy half the amount needed and dilute it so it'll cover the whole building, then pocket the money left over.
So they do that, and they paint the church, but when they step back to admire their hard work, a thunderstorm starts up. Lightning cracks, rain pours, and a voice booms down, "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint and thin no more!"
A woman runs into a police station shouting "help! Help! I've been graped!" The officer on duty replies, "don't you mean raped?" To which the woman says, "no, there was a bunch of them."
Whats the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly but a fly can't mosquito.
Works better in dutch.
Nulono ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cigarettes are like hamsters: perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
JerHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This oneโs kind of long, and I remember my mom telling it to my uncle when I was little, and they both lost their shit at the end, and I had no idea until my mom told me the joke again when I got older. Itโs kind of a story and you have to ask who youโre telling it to what the moral of the story is, and when they have no idea you tell them, everyone cracks up. So here goes:
There are two flies sitting on top of a hill by a pond. One fly says to the other, Iโm gonna fly down and get a drink of water, and the other fly says, I think you ought to.
There are two fish in the pond, one says to the other, When that fly comes down for a drink of water, Iโm gonna jump up and eat that fly. The other fish says, I think you ought to.
There are two bears sitting in the woods next to the pond. One bear says to the other, when that fly comes down for a drink of water, and that fish jumps out to eat that fly, Iโm gonna run out and eat that fish. The other bear says, I think you ought to.
There are two hunters a little deeper in the woods. One hunter says to the other, when the fly comes down to get a drink of water, and that fish jumps up to eat the fly, and the bear comes out to eat that fish, Iโm gonna climb up this tree to shoot that bear. The other hunter says, I think you ought to.
There are two mice in the woods, one mouse says to the other, when that fly comes down to get a drink of water and that fish jumps up to eat that fly and the bear comes out to eat that fish, and the hunter climbs up that tree to shoot the bear, that cheese sandwich in his pocket will fall out, and Iโm gonna scurry over to get that cheese sandwich. The other mouse says, I think you ought to.
A few yards away there are two pussy cats, one pussy cat says to the other, when that fly flies down to get a drink of water, and that fish jumps up to eat that fly, and that bear comes out to eat that fish, and that hunter climbs up that tree to shoot that bear, and the mouse scurries over to get that cheese sandwich, Iโm gonna go catch that mouse. The other pussy cat says, I think you ought to.
So this whole scene plays out. The fly comes down to get a drink of water, the fish jumps up and eats that fly, the bear hurries out from the woods and eats that fish, the hunter climbs the tree to shoot that bear, the cheese sandwich falls out of his pocket, the mouse scurries over to get the cheese sandwich, but the pussy cat gets so excited, it totally overshoots the mouse, comes tumbling out of the woods, splashing straight in to the pond.
Moral of the story? When the fly comes down, the pussy gets wet.
jimmwhy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
saying โyou know what I meanโ an uncomfortable amount of times while having a normal/casual conversation until it becomes funny
Doofinx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee chord?
A man loses his eye in a work accident. He only works 35 hour weeks, so he doesnโt have health insurance. His doctor presents him with a choice: a cheap wooden eye, a nicer porcelain eye, and a beautiful glass eye. Our friend, however, can only afford the wooden eye.
He sees himself in the mirror with his new prosthetic eye and immediately hates it. Heโs horribly self-conscious. Retreats into his home, becomes a hermit for years until some old friends drag him out for a night on the town.
Heโs miserable and complaining, standing in this discotheque, when - he sees her! Sheโs stunning! Sheโs the woman of his dreams! AND SHEโS BALD! Surely she understands his inner emotional turmoil! He finishes his liquid courage and walks up to her and asks if sheโd like to dance. Her face lights up with delight. โWould I? Would I?โ she repeats.
He throws his glass down at her feet and storms away, but not before he shouts โBALDY! BALDY!โ in her face.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once picked up a hitchhiker. You get to when you hit them over the head.
There's this big worldwide search for the next CEO of the biggest company on earth. In the final stage of the interview, only four people remain. An American, a Japanese, an Australian, and a Filipino.
The final interview question from the board of directors is this: "What is the fastest thing in the universe?"
American: "An idea! Just thinking about something gives you an idea"
The board nods in agreement.
Japanese: "Blink of an eye! Like the saying goes, gone in a blink of an eye."
The board nods in agreement.
Australian: "Easy peasy mate. It's light! Nothing can beat the speed of light!"
The board nods in agreement.
And finally the Filipino: "Diarrhea, sir."
The board was dumbfounded and laughter broke inside the room. They then asked "Can you please explain why Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the universe?"
"Sir, last week I had diarrhea and before I can think, blink, or turn on the light, I already shit myself"
3 school friends named Sheit, Shudup and Manners were playing ball, the ball rolled onto the road where Sheit ran to grab it. Sheit was hit by a car, sprawled in pain, Manners came to his aid and told Shudup to get help.
After running for a couple of blocks, Shudup found a police officer and began pleading for help, the police officer trying to calm the crying boy came down to his level and said "son, take a breath, now what is your name?", "Shudup" replied the boy, the police man dumbfounded asked again receiving the same response multiple times began to become increasingly annoyed, "BOY! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS!", "Down the road picking up Sheit......"
A guy goes to the doctor for a check up, after the routine the doctor says to the the man
"ok sir we're all done, I just need some samples of your stool, urine, and semen."
To which the guy responds "you know what doc I've got busy day ahead of me, how about I just leave you my underwear?"
Palarus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men die and go to hell. In there, the devil says:
"Well, today I'm in a good mood, so let's spice things a little bit. Tell me a riddle I can't answer and you'll go to heaven".
The first guy says "What has four legs but can't walk?" to which the devil answers with "A table, you're not even trying". He snaps his fingers and bam, some horrible claws grab the guy and drag him down further into the depths of hell.
The second guy's turn comes and he says "What do I have in my pocket?" to which the devil anwsers "You have two dimes, a paperclip and some lint". The guy empties his pockets and yup, there they are: two dimes, a paperclip and some lint. The devil snaps his fingers and a couple of winged imps come flying, grab the guy and drag him to eternal torture.
The third guy takes a deep breath and says "For my riddle, I need a chair and a drill". The devil looks surprised, shrugs, snaps his fingers and a three headed devil brings the guy a chair and a drillbefore disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
The guy starts drilling away, making holes in the seat. Once he has made a whole bunch of them, he says "Attention, Devil", sits down and farts. He stands up and says "Well, through which hole did the fart go?"
The devil, surprised, starts muttering and looking at the holes. After a while, still wide-eyed, he points at a hole and says "This one, I guess?"
The guy laughs and says "Nope, went through this" * Point towards your ass *
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tescoโs supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, โSome old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.โ
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, โand this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.โ
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,โ I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?โ
โNew Zealand, sir,โ the boy replied.
โWhy did you leave New Zealand ?โ the manager asked.
The boy said, โSir, thereโs nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.โ
โIs that right?โ replied the manager,โ My wife is from New Zealand!โ
โReally?โ replied the boy, โWhoโd she play forโฆ?โ
Probably late to the party but this is my favorite.
I met a man in the park with a talking dog the other day, I saw from afar he was chatting to this dog. Intrigued, I approached the man - indeed, he confirmed his dog could talk! I was impressed and asked if I could ask the dog some questions. The man obliged.
First, I asked the dog what the stuff that grows on the side of trees is called. The dog said "BARK!"
Shocked, I continued - I asked what the thing on top of a house is called. The dog said "ROOF!"
At this point I thought it was a coincidence the dog was answering so correctly, so I asked the dog where I could get a nice seafood dinner.
The dog replied "WHARF!"
I said "could you be more specific?"
The dog said "FISHERMANS WHARF!"
Best delivered with a rough "dog-like" accent for each response - gets people every time!
borazem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the diffรฉrence between snow and make-up ? None. Both cover flaws.
I love this one cuz it makes me laugh. I saw a flock of cows on the way to work. They go uh don't you mean a herd of cows? Of course I've heard of cows I saw a whole flock of them!
An American, a British, and a Chinese man is stranded on a desert island.
The American takes charge.
He orders the British man to take care of shelter, he himself will take care of food, and he orders the Chinese man to take care of supplies.
They all go their own ways.
The american and the British men meet up, the American with food and the British with a place to stay. They wait several days for the Chinese man without him ever showing up.
They start looking for him. They start walking through the dense forest when suddenly the Chinese man jumps up from a bush:
โSUPPLIES!โ
Depends on group of people, but on parties I use this one, by Jimmy Carr:
"How do you make gay fuck a women?
Shit in her cunt"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jewish joke.
Mrs Rosenstein is enjoying a day at the beach in Eilat with her family. Suddenly she notices her son has difficulty swimming, and about to go under. She drops everything, and yells:
โHelp! Help! My lawyer-son is drowning, my lawyer-son is drowning!!!โ
A guy walks in to a bar and, while beaming from ear to ear, asks for three shots of Rumplemintz. The bartender, excited to serve such a happy patron, asks what heโs celebrating. The customer responds that itโs because of his first blowjob. Delighted, the bartender offers to buy him his next shot. The customer quickly responds, โIf three shots arenโt enough to get he taste out of my mouth, nothing will.โ
Jack handy..... when I was a kid my mother told me that I could be anything I wanted.. within reason.. when I asked her what she meant by that..she said.. you ask a lot of questions for a garbage man
Plekuz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is blue and sits on a fence?
...
Paint, blue paint.
This is my go-to-never-fail joke, not because it makes other people laugh, but it gives me loads of fun seeing them roll their eyes or sigh whenever I tell this stupid sorry excuse for a joke.
One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin.
Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his friend Shut-Up.
Now Shut-Up lived on the other side of town, so he hopped in his car and raced off. Just before he passed Manners' house, a policeman pulled him over for speeding.
The Policeman came over and asked Shut-Up what his name was, to which he replied "Shut-Up".
Offended, the Policeman asked again, and again Shut-Up replied "Shut-Up".
Furious now, the Policeman asked a third time. Shut-Up, who was no doubt confused by the Policeman's anger, replied again saying, "I've already told you. Shut-Up."
Lividly, the Policeman retorted, "Where are your manners!"
Speeding off in confusion, Shut-Up replied "Around the corner picking up Shit"
A shy girl with a peg leg is sitting alone at a dance. A boy with a wooden eye walks over. He asks 'Would you like to dance?", girl:"aaaw would I?" boy:"f*** you Peg-leg!"
Man walks into a restaurant with a pink poodle, the kind with pompoms shaved into the legs and tail, diamantรฉ collar, and ribbons around its ears. The manager rushes over to stop him, โexcuse me sir, no dogs allowed. This is a restaurant, itโs against codeโ.
The guy explains the dog should be permitted as he is blind and it is his guide dog. โBehave yourselfโ replies the manager, โguide dogs are either retrievers, maybe alsatiansโ.
3 guys get trapped on an island. While roaming in search of supplies they come across an evil spirit that threatens to kill them all unless they play a game. Reluctantly, all three agree. The spirit says that to survive, they must gather 10 of any fruit on the island and shove it up their ass without flinching, otherwise the spirit will condemn them to the afterlife. The first brings back apples and manages 5 before wincing, resulting in his death. The second man fits 9 grapes before he begins bursting into laughter. In the afterlife the first man exclaims, "you were so close! What happened?!", to which the second man replied "I saw the third guy carrying watermelons".
A Cork lad and an Arab are walking through the desert on day, the Arab turns to the Cork lad and says "I'm going to build a beautiful city here." The Cork lad tells him "DO BAI"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
a buccaneer
Mapumbu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer buys a rooster for his farm but the rooster turns out to be a sexaddict the farmer is happy with it as he is getting tons of eggs from his hens.
A few days later he finds the rooster fucking the cows as he is bored from the hens. Some days pass now the rooster is fucking all of the animals in the farm the farmer gets tured of him. One morning the farmer finds the rooster lying on the ground and some vultures hovering over him. The farmer says to himself "This is what you deserve you sick fuck" to which the rooster replies "Dont worry i haven't died yet I am just waiting for the vultures to come down then i'll even fuck their brains out".
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Selasse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
David and Victoria Beckham are in Beckingham palace, stood in the kitchen.
Victoria pulls out something from the cupboard and David asks "What's that?", Victoria replies "This, David, is a thermoflask, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
David is amazed, "That sounds great! Can I take it to training tomorrow?", Victoria obliges and David goes to training the next day with his new thermoflask.
At the training ground, David is approached by Ashley Young, who is intrigued by David's new thermoflask.
"What's that then David?"
"It's a thermoflask, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold"
"Oh right, that sounds good, what've you got in there?"
_Larry_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:14:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 3 cows munching some grass. The first cow says: โMooohโ.
The second says: โMoooh, Mooohโ.
The third cow says: โMoooh, Moooh, Moooh.
The first and second cow kill the first cow.
It's Kim jong un's birthday in a week. The north Korean govt. is preparing for the ceremony, they've got everything; food, performers, even some American celebrities. All they need is the music. They get a north Korean composer to write and arrange a piece for Kim's birthday. He's ecstatic to be serving the leader of the country in such a way that when he gets home, he starts writing and doesn't stop until he's done, 37 hours later. He brings the sheet music to the organizers, and they provide him with a full orchestra. Violins, tubas, timpanis, the whole shebang. He rehearses it with them relentlessly throughout the week until they've got everything down perfectly. He's convinced it's the best piece of music ever written and is very excited to play it for Kim. The night of the party, they're doing dress rehearsal and it sounds like the most beautiful piece of music anyone has ever heard. Once it's their turn to play, the host announces them and explains the music they're playing. The conducter lifts up his conducter's rod.
1, 2, 3, 4.
And it is just awful. People start booing and they don't even finish the song. At this point, Kim is furious. He gets his guards to hold the conducter in his office until the party is over. Once Kim returns, he orders the man to be executed by electric chair. The guards ask what he wants for his last meal, and he asks for some super spicy curry, the spiciest they can make with what they have in their kitchen. The chef complies, the conducter eats all of it without hesitation, and they get in with the execution. Kim flips the switch to electrocute him, but he comes out unharmed. Kim was feeling especially forgiving that day, and needed someone to play at his sister's birthday anyway, so he gives the conducter the job, assuming what happened last time was bad luck. He prepares a piece weeks in advance, and he is truly convinced this time that it's going to make Kim extremely satisfied. He practices with his orchestra for sessions lasting up to 11 hours in a row, 7 days a week, for the 3 weeks leading up to Kim's sister's birthday. He's nailed it, and during the dress rehearsal, some of the guards who torture prisoners in work camps start crying because the piece is so beautiful. The time comes to play, they're jntroduced, and the conducter counts them in.
1, 2, 3, 4.
And it is just atrocious. The worst thing anyone in the hall has ever heard by far. A few people in the crowd vomited it was so bad, and some of the musicians even stopped playing part of the way through. At this point Kim is hopping mad. His sister is in tears because her birthday has been ruined. Kim grabs the man by the collar, and personally drags him to the prison they perform the executions at. The man requests extremely spicy curry for his last meal. He asks for extra chilies, and imported peppers from China to be put in for extra spice. Without hesitation, he eats the entire thing in fifteen minutes. Kim then, once again flips the switch to electrocute him, but nothing happens. The electricity went through the chair, but the conducter stood up completely unscathed. Kim was busy with other arrangements, so he let the man live. As it turns out, he was busy with the 20th anniversary of his father's death. There was to be a huge military parade, with banners, performers, and music. Music. That was what he'd forgotten. So he (begrudgingly) approached the conducter and asked him to write a piece for for the parade. The conducter obliged, seeing this as an opportunity to redeem himself. He prepared a piece months in advance, and practiced almost non-stop with a band, stopping only to take daily, 4-hour naps instead of sleeping every night. At the dress rehearsal, all the guards were bawling at the beautiful music this man had somehow managed to compose. Once it was their turn to play, the conducter counted in the band.
1, 2, 3, 4.
It was just the most gut-wrenching, disgusting, horrible sounding thing anyone had ever had the displeasure of listening to. The crowd was crying, but for the wrong reason. The streets were caked with vomit and the brains of people who decided death was a preferable alternative to listening to this truly unholy piece of music for 2 more minutes. At this point, Kim was ready to burst. He ran up to their parade float, grabbed the man by the arm, and marched him down to the electric chair. The conducter attempted to ask for a last meal, but was interrupted shortly after he'd started by Kim himself; demanding that he be executed right then and there. Kim flipped the switch, and nothing happened. Once again, he flipped the switch. Nothing. He flipped the switch rapidly between its 'on' and 'off' states; but alas, nothing happened. The conducter managed to fit a word in while Kim was furiously fiddling with the switch, attempting to end this man's life. "Sir" he squawked out, "if I'm being perfectly honest, it didn't have much to do with the curry, I'm just a terrible conducter."
โwhat is the origin of our strange and mysterious namesโ the father replies
โwell son when a child is born the father sticks his head out the teepee and names the child after what he sees first, like youโre mother soaring eagle and your brother growling bearโhe then added
A man named ben walks into a bar, sits down has a couple drinks. After a while ben decides to go to the bathroom. When he gets in he sees a man with no arms standing at one of the urinals, ben goes about his business while the man next to him continues to stand there. Finally, after ben had finished his business the armless man next to him asked if he could get help unzipping his pants. Now ben being the nice man he is helps unzip the mans pants and starts to walk away when the man asked him if there was any way he could help him point it.. ben hesitates and swallows his pride to help the poor man in need. He starts to help the man and realizes that this particular mans member is quite unsightly, as it had rashes and discoloration and smelled awful. After the man finishes and ben helps put his member back into his pants and asks him "sir what in gods name is wrong with your dick", to which the man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says. "I don't know, but Im not touching it".
Two men are walking down the road when they see a dog licking himself. The first man says, "Wow I wish I could do that." The second replies, "You better not. That dog bites."
A business man buys a house in the country to get away from the bustle of urban life. On his first day in his new house, which is truly in the sticks, he gets a knock on the door.
He goes to the door to find a heavily bearded man a heavily bearded, overalled, redneck... with a fairly cheey demeaner and a beer in his hand.
He hands the beer over and says, โHowdy neighborโ. Seein as yer new in the neighborhood, Iโd like to have a little welcumin party fer ya over at mine, just up the street.โ
โWell thank youโ, says the man. โThatโs very friendly of you. Umm... What sort of party?โ
โO, nuthin out of the ordinary. Weโll do sum barbacuinโ, and drink some beerโ
โThat sounds goodโ, he replies.
โAs the night goes on weโll probably make a little ruckus... might be some fightinโ, and... hehe probably a little fuckin.โ
โO... heheh. Well, I think I can handle all that. Thanks,โ he says. โBy the way, who all is going to be there?โ
โOh, itโs just gonna be you anโ me.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:38:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to a police officer.
" Please arrest me!"
"Why?"
"I shot 6 bullets to my wife!"
"Is she dead?"
"No, I missed all!"
"So why do you want to be arrested ?"
"Now my wife's looking for me!"
A bald guy was walking down the street when he sees a hunchback and says: 'Heeey duuuude?? What are you carrying in that backpack??!!'
The hunchback guy replies: " A comb, motherfucker!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. The bartender says, "hey! Do you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?" The pirate says "arrrgg I know it drives me nuts!"
A blind man and a crippled hopping on one leg come towards each other on a country road one bright morning.
The cripple says to the blind man โgood morning!โ.
The blind man answers โgood morning, howโs it going?โ.
The crippled answers โas you can see...โ
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean
phhoff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The viola player walks to the violinist and tells him proud: i can play sixtenth now!
The violinist asks him: ok, show me.
The viola player lifts his instrument and plays:
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an pot of glue...
I don't know what?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna...
Then they hopefully ask about the pot of glue so you can say.
I knew you'd get stuck there.
In Dutch we have a common saying that translates to "You're not the [...]est at home, are you?". You can fill in whatever you want there. Not the smartest, not the funniest, etc.
I always say "I'm not the [smart]est at home, and I live alone so that says a lot.". Gets a good chuckle most of the time.
dv666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the German cross the road? To conquer Belgium
An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give youย $1,000ย to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give youย $10,000ย to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."
It's a sunny day, the light shines on a little creek in the mountains.
There is a dragonfly hovering over the creek. Unknown to the dragonfly, a salmon is watching it thinking "if only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, I would be able to jump and catch it. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Unknow to the salmon, there is a bear hidden in the bushes on the side of the creek. The bear sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump and then I could grab the salmon. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Unkown to the bear, there is a hunter sitting on the edge of the creek. He sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump, the bear would come out of the bushes to grab it and then I shoot the bear. Then I would have a nice trophy today."
In a hole in the ground, right next to the hunter is a small mouse. Thus mouse sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump, the bear would come out of the bushes to grab it, the hunter would shoot the bear and the kickback of the riffle would ensure that his sandwich will fall out of his pocket. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Unknown to the mouse, there is a cat who sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump, the bear would come out of the bushes to grab it, the hunter would shoot the bear and the kickback of the riffle would ensure that his sandwich will fall out of his pocket, the mouse will come out of it's little hole and I could catch it. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Well, the impossible happens, the dragonfly fly's a little lower, the salmon jumps up and catches it, the bear rushes forward to grab the salmon, the hunter shoots and the kickback sends his sandwich flying the floor. The mouses sees the opportunity and goes for the sandwich, the cat sees the mouse jumps ... and trips over a small branch lying in his path and tumbles in the creek.
The moral of this story? The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:19:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mate died of heartburn the other day.
I canโt believe Gav has gone
roux32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:19:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife said small penis isn't an issue. I still think she shouldn't have one.
MyManD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A set of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a beer. The bartender says โLook we donโt normally serve jumper cables in here but Iโll make an exception. You can stay just donโt start nothin.โ
A man from a small, isolated village somehow ends up winning a free safari to Africa. He is overjoyed, because nobody in this village has even left the local region, let alone go to another continent. He packs his bags, says goodbye to his friends, and leaves for the savannah.
Upon his return, the other villagers swarm him and ask all kinds of questions about his time there. One of the villagers ask "So, what kind of animals did you see there?".
The man responds: "You won't believe the animals I saw! I saw what they call, a zebra!"
The crowd lets out a collective "Oooh" and ask him what did it look like.
The man says: "It looked like the donkeys we have here in the village - just paint black and white stripes over it and that's that."
The crowd demands he name another weird animal he saw.
The man says: "I also saw a giraffe!".
The crowd "Oooh"s again and ask him to describe the animal.
The man responds: "That too looks like the donkeys we have in the village - just take a donkey, stretch out its neck, paint brown spots, and that's that."
The crowd demands yet another animal.
The man says: "Oh, this you won't believe! I saw what's called a 'boa constrictor'".
The crowd, after "Oooh"ing a third time, ask what does it look like?
The man says: "It still looks like the donkeys we have here in the village - just take a donkey's dick, stretch it out, and remove the donkey at the end!"
This one's slightly mad-lib. Ask who you're talking to for a city they hate. (We'll call this City C)
The Prime Minister (Or President if you're american) is getting his office redecorated. He has 3 Decorators in, one from City A, one from City B, and one from City C.
He asks the Decorator from City A "How much will it cost you to redecorate this room."
He looks around, and says "$7,000."
"$7000?"
"Yes." The decorator says. "$3,000 for Parts, $3,000 for labour, and then my Commission, $1,000"
"Alright" The PM/Prez turns to City B. "And what about you?"
He looks the place over and says "$9,000. $4,000 for Parts, $4,000 for Labour, and $1,000 Commission."
"That's more than the other guy!"
"Well, you get what you pay for." City B shrugs.
The PM/Prez doesn't even get the full question out when City C's rep blurts out "$27,000!"
"Twenty sev-" The PM/Prez stammers. "How in the hell do you plan to get away with that?"
"Simple." City C's rep says. "Ten Grand for You, Ten Grand for Me, and we hire the guy from City A!"
So ther's this guy whos dating a girl called loraine. But he gets tired of her and starts cheating on her with a girl called claire-lee. Loraine commits suicide and the guy feels really bad so he decides to go to her funeral to pay respect. At the funeral he gets up onto the stage and begins to sing.
"I can see claire-lee now loraine has gone"
jammah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:07:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cow that won an award at work?
A few... If dunk and able to hold the crowds attention, I will go for "The Aristocrats" i f**king love that joke.. Half laugh because they get it (that there is nothing to get) and the other half laugh, because they pretend to get the "ungettable". Love it.
Else, I like this one.
Me: Do you know why women can't drive?
Them: Awkward look.
Me: There is no streaming wheeler in their side of the car.
This one is the pinnacle of comedy.
True comedy gold.
I was driving down the i5; my girlfriend was in the passenger seat. While cruising we spotted a restaurant called the boardwalk burger. It was one of those places where homeless people go to flip burgers; the occasional tourist will pass by. I turned to my girlfriend and said "BOARDWALK BURGER? More like BOREDwalk BURGER because the burgers aren't having any fun!"
An old couple are lying in bed having a fart contest. Old man farts loudly, old woman farts even louder followed by a quief. Old man mumbles 'that's cheating - you're using double barrels.
An old man walks up to the bridge keeper. The bridge keeper says, โit costs two coins to cross the bridge.โ
The old man gives him one coin and starts crossing the bridge. The bridge keeper gets angry and shouts, โhey come back, you have to pay two coins to cross the bridge.โ
The old man says, โIโm only going halfway.โ
A man asks a farmer near a field, โSorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.โ
The farmer says, โSure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, youโll even catch the 4:11 one.โ
10Bearz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon a time, there was a great pirate ship. It was known to house the most ferocious crew on all the seven seas. And it's captain was the greatest captain.
One day, the ship is sailing along and a rival pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain notices and calmly says "Men, prepare for battle. And get me my red shirt".
They get him his shirt, he puts it on, and the rival ship arrives to fight. It's a bloody and intense battle, but they manage to hold off the intruders.
The next day, two rival pirate ships appear on the horizon. The captain notices and calmly says "Men, prepare for battle. And get me my red shirt."
They get him his shirt, he puts it on, and shortly both rival ships are on either side of theirs. It is once again a bloody battle and the ship loses a few men, but they manage to hold off the intruders.
The next day, they are sailing along and three pirate ships appear on the horizon. The captain notices and says โMen, prepare for battle. And get me my red shirt.โ
They get him his shirt, he puts it on, and this battle is the most intense yet. They lose a few men, but manage to once again repel the intruders.
A curious crew member asks โCaptain, why whenever we are about to go into battle do you ask for your red shirt?โ
โThatโs simple, my friend. If I am ever wounded in battle, you would not be able to see my blood, and you wouldnโt lose faith and would keep fighting.โ
โWhat a great answer,โ the crew thought, โand what a great captain!โ
The next day, one thousand pirate ships appear on the horizon. The captain notices and says โMen, prepare for battle. And get me my brown pants.โ
One day, a beggar walked into a fancy restaurant. The waitress working at the front desk stopped immediately. "Sorry, you can't come inside." "Oh, don't worry, I don't want to eat here" said the beggar, "I just want to ask for a toothpick." The waitress was confused but gave him one anyway. Then the beggar thanked her and walked away.
10 mins later, another beggar came inside the restaurant. The waitress stopped him. Strangely, he also only asked for a toothpick. The waitress gave one to him with more confusion.
15 mins later, a third beggar came. The waitress asked:"Are you here asking a toothpick?" "No, I'm here to ask for a straw."
The waitress was soooo curious and finally asked:"Just now, two beggars came here and asked for toothpicks. And now you are asking for a straw. What's going on?"
"Just now a drunk man threw up near the wall. Those two bastards were faster than me. They ate the bits with toothpicks and now only the liquid is left. "
I'm a little late but I love this one.
SO a man walks into a dentists office and says" I think I'm a moth" so the dentist says " if you think your a moth whyd you come to a dentists office?" And the man says "BECAUSE THE LIGHT WAS ON!!!"
h-n-f ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:44:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the final of the Australian national poetry competition. The two finalists are a professor from the University of Queensland and an old farmer who lives in the outback.
Their task for the final of the competition is to come up with a poem in 20 seconds, on the topic of Timbuktu.
The university professor steps up to the stage first, clears his throat, and begins:
โOn the lonely desert sands,
Crossed a single caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination, Timbuktuโ
The crowd are clapping and cheering, mightily impressed that he came up with this in just 20 seconds.
Next comes the turn of the old farmer. He steps up to the mic:
โMe and Tim off hunting went,
Found three girls in a pop-up tent,
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.โ
The CIA recruits a navy seal for a deep cover covert mission in Russia. He completes an extensive language course, including obscure dialects, he learns russian customs and traditions, gets briefed for his mission, put on a plane and paradrops over Silberia in the middle of the night. He burns his parachute, walks to the next village and enters the local bar.
"Nastrovje" he shouts when entering the bar. The man next to the door smiles at him and in broken English tells him "you are no Russian". "Ya Russkiy!" the seals cries out, goes to the bar, grabs a bottle of vodka and jots it down as if it was milk. The barkeeper looks at him, shakes his head and says "impressive. But you're no Russian". "Ya Russkiy!" the seal cries out, jumps on a table and starts to dance prisyadka while singing old Russian folk songs. An old Silberian stops him. "Son, you're not Russian!". Desperate the seal asks him "why am I not Russian??" The old Silberian smiled and says: "You know in Russia....there's no black boys".
Dubeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Favorite from a friend:
"For a band called Aerosmith, they really don't have many songs about fletching."
I tell this joke but I can't say it's a never fail. But I love it.
A man walks into a bar and sits down. The barman can't help but notice that half of his head is an orange. He waits patiently and when the man orders and he brings him his drink, he has to ask.
"What's with your head?"
The man looks at him and says "Well...it's a bit of a story...
"You may not believe me but I found a magic lamp and was given three wishes. I wasn't sure myself so to test it I asked to have unlimited money. And POOF!! I got it. Let me show you."
So he opens his wallet and shows the barman. It has $2000 in it. He turns round and says "Drinks for everyone!!" The barman takes the orders, the man pays and closes his wallet. When everyone is served, the man opens his wallet again....and there is still $2000 in there.
"It just refills every time."
"Wow!" says the barman.
"So now I knew it worked, for my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
The barman nods.
"Look around...tell me what you see."
Sure enough, the barman notices that all the women are either outright flirting with him, or stealing glances and smiling whenever they can.
"That's amazing!"
"I know! It's great." Says the man.
"So I had one wish left and I didn't know what to ask for. So I asked to have half an orange for a head."
BoaMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:18:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call nuts on your wall? Walnuts!
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts!
What do you call nuts on your chin?.... My dick in your mouth!
Did you know if you toss an egg to the concrete floor with it's rounded side, it will not break?
Wow, no, really? :O
you stupid fuck you know how hard a concrete floor is? of course it won't break..
It's a bit situational, but here goes.
When somebody asks me if I like football, I tell them "yes, my brother has a season ticket and I go with him sometimes". Then I pause for a second and say "I mean, I buy a ticket sometimes, I Don't sit on his lap."
Knocks 'em dead without fail.
A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes up to her mother and say "Mama, why did you name me Rose?" The mother says, "Because we put rose petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and says, "Mama, why did you name me Lily?" The mother says, "Because we put lily petals on your head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "HRFHUFRSRVHNJ" The mother asks, "What was that, Brick?"
What is a pirate's favourite suit in a deck of cards?
Hearrrrts.
What is a pirate's favourite letter in the alphabet?
(They say arrrrrr)
No. It be the C
BoaMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call the bit of skin around the vagina?
A: Woman
kjvlv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
After reading the parpers the judge takes off his glass and says; "Mr. mouse, I am sorry but saying your wife is crazy is not sufficient enough reason to get a divorce"
Mickey Mouse replies; "Your honor, I did not say she was crazy,, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!"
fetaole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
John โdude, you gotta hear what happened last night!โ
Barry โwhat?โ
John โI was having sex in my bathtub with this girl the other night. Suddenly she slips and slams her front teeth into the edge of the bath, the whole front row of teeth falls outโ
Since you never specified what "Never fail" means - then this one:
Me: "What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?"
Them: "What?"
Me: "I don't have a Ferrari in my garage, and if I had I wouldn't be masturbating all over it"
Them: Look of disgust
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't let a lentil on my face.
izzo603 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are walking along the side of the road when they see a dog licking himself the one man says to the other I wish I could do that the other man response that dog will bite you
On the day of the superbowl, crowds of sports fans were pouring into the stadium. Everyone was excited for the big game until a funeral procession came through. Most people waited patiently as the cars passed, but one man stepped forward, took off his hat and held it over his chest, and shed one tear. After the cars passed, another man nearby came to his side and said, "That's a really nice thing you just did there." The first man said, "Well, she was a really great wife."
A little late.. but some of you may still see it.
Q: What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?
A: If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
Two hydrogen atoms are hanging out when one says to the other "I'm missing an electron!" The other asks "are you sure?" and the first replies "yes, I'm positive."
Cowboy 1: what's your name pardner
Cowboy 2: johnny 12 guns on account of my 12 guns how bout you pardner
Cowboy 1: Johnny 13 guns
teke367 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Lone Ranger gets kidnapped by Indians. They are about to kill him, but the Chief's daughter remembers him, and says he had saved her life. The Chief says they will still kill him, but they will grant him one wish first, and kill him the next day.
"I wish to speak to my horse, and for him to understand me". The wish is granted. The Lone Ranger whispers into his horse's ear, and the horse leaves. A few hours later the horse returns with a naked woman.
The men of the tribe are excited, and decide to give the Lone Ranger one more wish. Again he wishes to speak to his horse, which is granted.
"POSSE GOD DAMMIT! I SAID BRING ME A POSSE!" Screams the Lone Ranger.
Meerski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two brothers, a 10 year old and 8 year old, wake up one morning and decide they should start cussing in front of their parents. The 10 year old says โokay, Iโll go first and Iโll say fuck then you say assโ.
At breakfast their mom asks โwhat would you like for breakfast sweetie?โ To the older brother.
10 year old says, โWell Mom. Iโm gonna have some fucking Cheeriosโ.
The Mom is livid. She spanks the 10 year old multiple times and sends him back to his room.
After calming down she asks the 7 year old โnow what would you like for dinner young man?โ
7 year old says โI donโt know, but you can bet your ass it ainโt no Cheeriosโ.
This one's fun for people who like to shit people with long shaggy dog stories and vent a bit, and it's hard to fuck up:
A guy was wandering the streets, overthinking things, and sees doctor's office which is open late. He walks in, makes an emergency appointment, sits down, and waits to be called. His name is finally called and he gets up, follows the doctor to his office, and sits down in the chair. The doctor says, "how can I help you today?"
"Well, doc, I'm having a hard time. See I'm pretty down at the moment. My job is dead-end, no matter how hard I work, the boss just promoted the new guy over me. I'm the breadwinner of the household but it's getting harder and harder to make ends meet. Because of the money woes me and my wife argue constantly. I have a nagging suspicion that she's cheating on me, she won't even look at me. My kids have just turned into angsty teens and have no damned respect for me whatsoever no matter what; I've tried being the cool dad and I've tried playing hardball but they're always buried in their phones and whatever. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, and there's nothing I can do to fix any of it, and worst of all, I truly believe that I am a moth."
The doctor nods and pauses and says, "this all sounds very serious but you are aware I'm not a psychiatrist and I don't really know you at all, why did you choose to come in tonight?"
The guy says, "Your light was on, I was drawn to it."
My doctor said I should lose some weight. I asked: How? He said: "Just don't eat anything fatty.", "You mean like chips and fries, that kind of stuff?", "No, just don't eat anything, fatty!".
A capitalist, a socialist and a comunist have plannes to meet in a bar. The capitalist and the comunist arrive on time but the socialist is late.
After 20 minutes the socialist finally bursts through the door. Panting, he says:
"Sorry guys, I had to wait in the queue for my sausages."
The other two look at each other in confusion.
The capitalist asks: "What queue?"
The comunist askes: "What sausages?"
jkwolly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have posted this before, but it's still awesome:
"I told my wife I was going to build us a car out of spaghetti.
She said I was crazy and to stop making stupid comments.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta."
A mother drives on the highway with her 5 years old daughter. All of a sudden a giant penis slams on the windshield. Terrified by the taught of her daughter seeing this, the mother uses the wipes to clear the penis off the windshield ASAP. A few minutes later the daughter asks "mommy, what was that?". Not knowing what to answer, the mother says "well, honey, that was d... uck! That was a very weird duck!". "Whoa!" says the daughter with excitement, "did you see the cock on this duck?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A soldier fighting in the trenches somehow scrambles and loses his gun. Enemy soldiers are still advancing on him. In a panic he holds up his hands as if it were still there and yells, "Bang!". He is shocked to see the enemy he was aiming at fall over dead. Feeling heartened, he aims at another enemy and yells, "Bang!". That man also dies.
Elated, the soldier starts advancing, yelling, "Bang! Bang! Bang!", mowing down the enemy. Suddenly he sees an enemy soldier walking jerkily towards him, his arms stiff at his sides, bent at the elbow with his hands extending forwards. He focuses on that enemy and yells, "Bang!".
But the enemy doesn't die. He keeps moving forward in his weird pose. Confused, the soldier again yells, "Bang!". The enemy is still coming. Panicking now as the enemy advances, the soldier yells hysterically, "Bang! Bang! BANG!". But nothing happens.
The soldier collapses in despair. The enemy keeps advancing jerkily. Soon, the soldier hears the ominous chant, "Tank. Tank. Tank."
In an old town in Central Europe, there was an ancient cathedral. However, the old bell ringer had recently passed away, and the church needed someone to ring the bells. An old crippled man approached the church and said he could do the job. The priest looked at the man skeptically, as his arms were malformed. The priest decided to give the man a chance and let him try and ring the bells. To the priests surprise, the crippled man walked up to the bells and smashed his forehead against the bells. While at first he was met with disgust, after a few seconds the priest realized this was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. The priest hired the crippled man, and let him stay in the cathedral.
One morning the crippled man found the wine for morning mass, and proceeded to drink all of the stock in the church. He then went upstairs to ring the bells. He didn't realize how intoxicated he was, and hit his head on one of the bells rather hard. He staggered backwards and fell from the top of the cathedral.
Hundreds of people gathered around, and after hearing what happened, the priest pushed his way to the body. When asked if anyone knew the man, the priest was the only one who did. The priest couldn't recall the man's name, but stated his face rang a bell.
A woman us standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror. She moans to her husband.. "Yeww, I look horrible .. I feel fat & ugly. Pay me a complinent!"
He replies "your eyesight's perfect".
There are two potatoes walking down the street together. They're best friends. They're joking around, having a great time, when all of a sudden a car whips around the corner and hits one of the potatoes. It's bad. The potato gets air lifted to the hospital and goes straight into surgery. His friend is pacing around in the waiting room for hours and hours, he can barely stand it. Finally, 5 hours or so later, the surgeon comes out to talk to the friend. He says, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news... is that it looks like your friend is going to make it. That bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A child molester and a small boy are walking into a forest. Time passes as they walk farther and farther into the forest. The sun starts going down and the air starts getting chilly. Eventually the little boy looks up at the child molester and says, โmister, Iโm getting kinda scared.โ The child molester looks down at the boy and says, โyouโre scared? I have to walk out of here alone!โ
Daeyel1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Frying Pan Joke (so named because the scoutmasters got wise and banned The Sheep Joke)
A man is driving down a country road and sees a man performing an unnatural act upon a sheep. Stunned, he stops and watches to make sure he is seeing what he thinks he is seeing.
Yep, that man definitely is doing the deed with the sheep.
Shaking his head in disgust, he continues driving down the road.
A couple miles down the road, he sees a boy in the field. He stops and asks the boy what he knows about the man a couple miles back.
So a man goes to the doctors cause hes having trouble in bed
so the man asks the doctor if he has anything to help him in bed and the doctor does. so the doctor hands over a prescription bottle of Viagra and says take 1 every time your about to do (stuff and things)
so the guy does but it wont work so the man goes back and the doctor says take 2 so the man does but it still wont help so the doctor says take 3 so he does but it still wont work so finally the doctor tells the man to take the whole dam bottle so the man does the man has int called or came to talk to the doctor in a week so the doctor decides to check on him the doctor arrives at his house and sees a little boy limping and crying on the porch the doctor asks what wrong? the boy replies: moms dead my sisters pregnant and dads running around the house saying here kitty kitty
Three men get trapped on an island, and eventually get caught by a tribe of cannibalistic natives. The chief comes up to them and offers each of them one chance at survival, to which the men agree to. The chief first tells them to run out and each grab 10 of one kind of fruit of their choice on the island. They all split up.
The first man comes back within minutes with 10 apples. The chief orders him to stuff each and every one up his butt without making a noise, and only after he is successful he will be freed. On the 4th apple, the man cries out in pain, so the chief orders the man to be cooked and eaten. The second man, with cherries, is ordered to do the same. On the 9th cherry, he suddenly bursts out in laughter. He is also killed.
Both men meet up in the afterlife eventually, and the first man asks the second, "why did you make a sound? You were so close." The second man proclaims, "I couldn't help it, I saw the last guy coming with pineapples!"
Doc says to his patient "I've got good news and bad news."
Man says "Give it to me straight, Doc, what's the bad news?"
Doc wrings his hands and with a serious face tells him "Okay, you've got incurable cancer with only 30 days to live."
Man says "Oh no! You gotta tell me, what's the good news?!"
Doc says "That foxy nurse that checked you in? I've been screwing her twice a week!"
Three guys have been walking through the desert for days. They're hungry, they're thirsty, and they need a way home. Eventually, they happen upon a house in the middle of nowhere. One of them runs up to the door to make sure it's not a mirage. After he knocks on the door, he returns to the other two, crying and so scared he's unable to speak. The second guy runs to the door, and comes back just the same as the other. The third guy walks to the door, knocks, and an old old old lady answers.
"What do you want?" She grumbles to him "Well you see, my friends and I are hungry, thirsty, and in desperate need of a way home. Are you able to help us?"
"Yes, but if and only if you have sex with me" He looks back at his friends and realizes now why they were so distraught. But he also realizes that is their only hope. He nods and follows the old lady inside. On the way to the bedroom, he notices in the kitchen three ears of corn next to an open window. He has an idea.
"Okay lady, I'll still have sex with you, but we have to do it here and you cant look at me" She agrees, and as she bends over, he grabs the first ear of corn and uses it on her. After she finishes, he chucks it out the window. As she lays their breathing heavy she exclaims, "Now you have food, if you want the water you have to do it again" So, he takes the second piece of corn, and does the same thing as before, chucking it out the window when she finishes. "Now you have the food and the water, but if you want the keys to my Jeep you need to do it again one last time" So he takes the last piece of corn, and uses it on her; throwing it out the window when shes done. Soon after, he runs out to greet his friends with his accomplishments. "Guys guys, I did it! I have food, water, and a way home!" His friends look up at him and respond "Thank you so much! But we won't need the food, we found three juicy pieces of corn!"
A man likes to get naked and wrap himself in saran wrap. After a few days he decides to see a doctor to check his mental state. He says "doc I think I have a problem," to which the doctor responds "well i can clearly see your nuts."
I did my back in telling it that many times
I'd start the arms and head then start laughing, and give myself an injury in the process
bgier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:51 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender pours the pirate a drink, is overcome with curiosity and finally asks, "Captain...I can't help but notice that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants."
There was one guy called Tom who desired to become the most successful director worldwide related to Thriller suspense movies. One day, he got an idea to create a movie and he went on to fulfill his desires.
Then, after a day he created a 2 hour long movie which he claimed to be world's most thriller suspense movie ever made. He sent out invitations to Christopher Nolan, Tom cruise, Leonardo etc famous artists to watch his movie on premier day. Everyone agrees and go to watch the movie.
The movie starts, every credits at the start of the movie let it be actor, producer, director, musician, editor, writer etc everything was done by Tom. Audience admired Tom for that. Then, the movie starts, Intense music and after a few seconds a clock appears. The clock's hand were pointing at 1.
Everyone thought this seems to be an amazing start for a suspense thriller. Minutes passed, but still the movie displayed the clock with hour hand ticking slowly. Now, everyone seems frustrated. 1 hour passed and still the same boring clocked. Now, every audience were furious. Tom locked the theatre from outside. 2 hour passed with the last scene still focused on clock. Everyone was exhausted. The theatre exit door opens.
The media, critics and other celebrities who came to watch the movie ran and circled Tom and asked him one question 'What the hell was this movie ? Where is the suspense ?'. Tom, replies in calm tone 'The biggest suspense of the movie was whether the time shown on the clock was A.M or P.M ยฏ_(ใ)_/ยฏ'
A fish below the fly watches thinking "if that fly drops ill get to eat!"
A bear watching the fish notices that if that fish jumped he could catch the fish.
A trophy hunter has been stalking the bear for hours. Finally conviced, he will take his shot if the bear moves for the fish.
A mouse watching the hunter notices that a dead bear would leave the hunters lunch exposed
All the while a cat has the butt-wiggle engaged for the mouse
The fly falls, the fish eats. The bear gets the fish and is then shot by the hunter. The hunter runs toward the carcass as the mouse makes a break for his lunch. The cat leaps but misses and falls in the creek.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:58 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A long-haul truck driver is driving at 50mph when he sees a chicken running alongside his vehicle.
"I must be imagining things" he thinks to himself and he speeds up to 60mph.
After a few minutes he looks out of his window and is startled to see this chicken again, still keeping speed with his truck.
In a frenzied state of disbelief he speeds up to 70mph and WOOSH! The chicken flies past him, overtakes him and leaves the road at the next exit.
Curious and determined to get to the bottom of what has just happened, the truck driver takes the same exit to try and follow the chicken.
After a few miles he arrives in a small farming village and sees a farmer standing with his son outside a barn so he shouts over to ask about the chicken.
"Excuse me sir! I know I may sound crazy but did you happen to see a very fast chicken run through here recently?"
"Ah yeah. That'll be one of my own chickens you saw. Fast ain't they?" the farmer asked.
"Yes! Very! How on earth did they get to be so quick?" the trucker replied.
"Well..." said the farmer "I specially breed them so that they have 3 legs. That extra leg gives them the extra speed. "
"Why would you want a 3 legged chicken?" the trucker asked.
"Well you see at dinner, I like to eat a leg, my wife likes to eat a leg and my son also likes a leg and that makes 3."
"That's amazing! Does the special breeding make them taste any different?"
"I have no idea." said the farmer, "I've never fucking caught one of the bastards!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:02 on April 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you ask a New Yorker what time is it?
Could you tell me what time is it, or should I just go f*k myself?
Guy down on his luck sees a sign in a bar window to "win 1000" so he goes in to find out how.
Bartender says,
first you have to knock that big guy out at the end of the bar in one punch,
second I have a pitbull with an abscess tooth that needed pulled,
third, you have to go upstairs and make love to my 400 pound wife.
The gentleman declined, but after a few hours of drinking changed his mind. He walks right up to the big man at the bar and knocks him out cold.
He then goes in the back where the dog is. For an hour they hear the poor dog barking and crying.
Finally our hero returns and asked, "so where is this fat bitch with the abscess tooth"
A guy is walking down a street like this (stand up and do intense thrusting/humping motions).
A cop come up and asks him โmate what the hell do you think you are doing?โ
To which the man replies โFuckin nothing!โ
There were two muffins sitting in an over. One turned to the other and said, โMan, itโs really getting hot in here.โ
The other one looked at him and said,โOH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!โ
SSeptic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:34:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men were walking by some mud and see some bricks. They want to see who can throw the bricks the highest but can't seem to figure out how to measure the height that they threw it. One of the guys says "we can just measure how far the brick sinks into the mud." The other two agree to this. The first guy throws his brick and it lodges itself a foot and a half in the mud. The second guy throws his brick up and it lands three feet into the mud. The last guy throws his brick up with all his might... and it doesn't come back down.
One day a woman decided to go on a vacation with her parrot. She wanted to go to France but the only tickets she could get were no parrot no smoking tickets. Not wanting to leave her parrot at home, she simply stores the parrot in her shirt and acts like she is pregnant. While on the plane, the pilot is walking down the aisle smoking a cigar. He stops at the woman and asks her how her flight is going. Before she can reply, the parrot says "it's going great". Surprised, the pilot pulls the parrot out from under her shirt. "You can't have a parrot on this plane!" He says. She takes the cigar from his mouth and says "Well you can't have a cigar on this plane!" Enraged, the pilot throws the parrot out the window. This incites the woman to throw the cigar out the window. The pilot returns to the cockpit and is angry about losing his cigar. He's about to light up another one when he hears a knock on the windshield. He looks up and sees the parrot. And what was in his mouth?
No. The Germans I tell this to all think it's hilarious because it's hire everyone else understands Germans. I mean, efficient, yes. But not exceedingly so, also the humour exists. They laugh at everything.
Edit: this is anecdotal for me, but I do work for and with Germans, and a large percentage of our clientele is also German.
A five-year-old comes to her dad crying, saying she is afraid to get pregnant and have a baby in her belly. Her father laughs softly and tells her not to worry, that she is too young to be pregnant.
So the girl runs to the window and shouts to the kids playing in the yard "It's OK you guys, you can cum inside!"
A piece of bacon and a sausage are sitting in a frying pan.
The sausage says "gee, its getting really hot in here!"
The piece of bacon says "WOW, a talking sausage!"
A man walks by the beach and he hears cries coming from the bushes. He separates the tall grass to find a girl without arms and legs. He picks her up. "Why are you crying!" he says. "Well...I'm 21, i have no legs and no arms, and I've never been kissed!''
The man looks left, looks right, and gently kisses the girl and the lips. "Thank you" she says, as the guy puts her back in the bushes.
On his way back, he hears cries again. He goes straight the bushes, to see the same girl, still crying.
"I kissed you...So what's wrong?"
"I'm 21, no arms, no legs. You kissed me, but I've never been fucked..."
The guy looks left, looks right, then hurls the girls into the sea, screaming "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"
Yesterday my 5 year son smashed a butterfly while playing outside. As a punishment I told him no butter for a week.
Today my 4 year old daughter must have caught on because she was sitting on the kitchen floor and smashed a cockroach. I laughed and told her nice try.
A squirrel is in a tree when the tree starts to shake. The squirrel looks down to see a bear climbing up the tree. The squirrel looks down and yells, "Hey bear, why are you climbing into my tree?" The bear says, "I'm going to eat some pears." The squirrel says, "You idiot this is an apple tree there aren't any pears here." The bear replies, "It's okay I brought my own."
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"
So me and my girlfriend were driving down the I-4 one day when I passed by this billboard for this place called Boardwalk Burgers. It's this wholesome fun, homeless people slapping patties on the grill kinda place right, so with my quick sharp wit I turned to my girlfriend and said "Boardwalk burgers? More like bored burgers because those burgers aren't having any fun"
A man and a little girl are going on a hike through the woods. It's getting late so the woods are getting darker and darker. The little girl turns to the man and says "I'm scared", the man replies "you're scared? I have to walk back on my own!"
My buddy worked for the CD-ROM gameshow 'You Don't Know Jack,' and was recording a celebrity edition with comedienne Phyllis Diller. They wanted to record her trademark laugh. She said "To do the laugh, I have to tell a joke." They were like, great, go for it. This is the joke she told:
Little girl walks into a barber shop eating a Hostess Twinkie. She sits in the barber chair, barber starts cutting her hair. Barber says, "Little girl, you're getting hair on your Twinkie." Little girl says, "Yeah, and I'm getting tits!"
And then she laughed that laugh;-0
I used to tell that joke all the time at work. It always killed. One day a very sweet woman I worked with said, "JimmyJazz, that joke of yours sucks, I told it and it bombed." I said, "Tell it to me." This was her version:
"Little girl walks into a barber eating a twinkie. Barber says, "You're getting hair on your pussy." Girl goes, "Yeah and I have boobs?"
A businessman goes on a trip to China. He's never been before, and he's a combination of excited and nervous.
He flies over and checks into the hotel which is near the ocean. With nothing to do until the big meeting with the Chinese conglomerates the next day, he decides to go for a nighttime walk on the beach.
While he's walking, he passes by a cute Chinese lady. She gives him a look, he gives her one back, and next thing you know the two are going at it. And she's going going crazy loving it. "Tzu de dong! Tzu de dong!" she's nearly screaming, over and over. Anyways, when he's done the two part ways and he goes in for the night.
The next day, the guy wakes up and goes to the big meeting. Nails it. To celebrate, he goes golfing with the Chinese businessmen. On the third hole, he gets a hole in one! Now only like one guy speaks English, and the businessman is so excited, he starts yelling "Tzu de dong! Tzu de dong!"
The one guy who speaks English turns to him and says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck down his pants.
The bartender says to him, "Hey buddy, do you know that you have a ship steering wheel stuck down your pants?"
To which the pirate replies, "Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
"Pourquoi on appelle Pรขques comme รงa? Parce que quand Jesus est tombรฉ de la croix, รงa a fait "Pรขques""
See, in french Easter is called Pรขques, and it sounds kinda like "pawk", which sounds a bit like an onomatopoeia of an object hitting something. It would translate to something like this: "Why is Easter named Easter? Because when Jesus fell out of the cross, he went "Easter (Pรขques)"".
Reach out and feel someoneโs shirt and ask them โis this felt?โ
Then when they say no, reply with
โIt is nowโ
Cracks me up every time, too bad Iโve pulled it on just about everyone I know.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care
DB473 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two snails crawl into a police station. Their shells are cracked, their eye stalks are bent, and they're moaning in pain. An officer asks, "Good Lord-what happened to you two?!"
One of the snails replies, "Officer, we were mugged and beaten by a gang of turtles."
The officer apologizes for their trouble, and then asks them, "I know you two have had a traumatic afternoon, but is there anyway you could desribe your assaulters?"
The other snail replies, "Well I don't know, it all happened so fast..."
Every job I ever had with a boss, I was always harassed. They'd go "hey how come you're not workin?" I say "cause there's nothing to do!" "Well you pretend like you're workin'". "Why don't YOU pretend I'm working?"
There's an English cat and a French cat having a swimming race across the Channel. The English cats name is One, Two, Three. And the French Cats name is Un, Duex, Trois cat. Which cat one?
The One, Two, Three Cat because the Un Deux Trois cat sank
Whenever someone asks โwhat are you doing?โ Or โwhat are they doing?โ I just respond with โmy/their bestโ. It never fails to get a chuckle.
PTlite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa dum tss!
rann0ch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When it's raining, I always say "nice day to be a duck". It's not a joke but I find it hilarious!!
Two atoms were walking down the road and the one atom says to the other, "wait, wait.. stop.. I think I lost an electron". The second atom says "are you sure?", the first atom replies "I'm positive"
So. 3 friends are chilling in a mud pit with bricks. The three friends all decided it would be fun to throw them in the air to see who can throw the highest. The first friend throw it up and lands about a foot in the mud, the second friend throws it up and lands about a foot and a half in the mud. The third friend throws it up but it never comes back down.
Alright the next joke is a women wants to visit her mother but she has to fly to see her. Her mother really likes parrots, so naturally she decides to bring her pet parrot with her but the only flight she can take is the no bird, no smoking flight. So she takes that flight and smuggles the parrot in her jacket. She successfully boards the flight and they are now in the air. The pilots comes back to the seats with a cigar in his mouth, and says hi to everyone. He then hears a slight muffled chirping noises, he locates it by the women and grabs it and says she canโt have this bird on this flight, he throws it out the window. The women then says you canโt smoke, she throws his cigar out the window. He walks back to the cabin angered and sits down. He then hears a knock and he looks out the window. The parrot is right there and you wouldnโt believe whatโs in his mouth. Thatโs right.......
Iโd tell you my joke about sea animals but thereโd be no porpoise.
bort13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs offensive and dated, but...
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
anner7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.
CartreW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, I'm about a 6/10, right? Not too atractive, but not horribly ugly either. I'm perfectly comfertable knowing that I won't get with anyone beautiful. So I'm sitting in my 6/10 house, living my 6/10 life, when one day, a moving truck comes up to the house next door. And out of the truck steps this gorgeous woman, she's easily a 9/10, she could be a supermodel. I know I don't have a chance with her, but I think: "It's worth a shot."
So I go up to her and ask
"Hey, can I help you move in?"
She turns to me, and coldly replies
"No, go away creep!"
And I go away. I tell myself: "at least I tried."
About a week passes, and her little chihuahua wriggles it's way under my fence, and starts galavanting around my yard, like the small minded dog it is. So I pick the dog up, and think: "Time for round two."
I go to her house and ring the doorbell. She answers, exasperated, and tells me
"I thought I told you to go awa- OHMYGOD! Where did you find him? I've been looking for him everywhere!"
"He was prancing around in my backyard."
"There must be something I can do for you."
I smirk, and respond
"Actually, there is."
We go to dinner. It's... pretty awesome actualy. We share a lot of the same intrests, and we start dating. And I'm on cloud 9 over here because, well: "Hi, I'm a 6/10, I'm dating a model."
About 6 months pass, and we're still going strong. It's great. One day, a moving truck pulls up to the house across the street, and out steps this pretty lady. Not as beautiful as my girlfriend, mind you, but easily a 7/10. So I think: "OK, time for round two."
Second verse, same as the first. Cross the street, "Hi, can I help you move in?" That basic shtick.
This time, however, she says
"Sure, you can start with those boxes over there."
I pick up a box labeled Video Games, and I think "She probably has Mario Party, or Cooking Mama, or something."
I peek open the box, and nearly drop it in shock. This is some hardcore gamer stuff. Mint condition Illusion of Gaia, Final Fantasy 1-7. Whoever's these are, they clearly know what they're doing.
I ask her
"Are these your boyfriend's?"
She giggles and replies
"No, they're mine. I don't have a boyfriend."
"Cool." I say, "We should hang out some time."
A month passes, and the 7/10 and I have become fast friends. We've played through the first three Dragon Quest's, and Castlevania.
One day, my 9/10 girlfriend aproaches me and tells me
"Listen, I don't want you seeing that neighbor girl anymore."
I'm taken aback.
"We're just friends." I explain, "I think you're over-reacting."
"Really?" She says, "Because she told me today, quote: 'you're her's now, and I should relinquish you to her, or else she'll literally kill me.'"
"It's probably just a missunderstanding. Invite her over for lunch, I'm sure you'll work it out."
"Well, OK."
She leaves my house.
Two weeks pass.
I text my 9/10 girlfriend "Wanna see a movie?"
No reply.
Another week passes.
"How 'bout a movie?"
Still no reply.
The next day I go over to her house, and ring the doorbell.
No answer.
I try the knob.
It's locked.
I reach under the rock, for the spare key, unclock the door, step inside and...
Promptly call the police.
The next day, I'm sitting in my living room, terrified out of my wits. On the news, they show a clip of the police leading the 7/10 out of my 9/10 girlfriend's house, drenched head to toe in blood. She turns to the cameras, and shrieks
"She's dead! She's Dead! You're Next."
And, of course, that's enough to make a 6/10 go insane.
But here's the kicker. When they performed the autopsy on my 9/10 girlfriend, they found bits and pieces of her missing. A toe, an earlobe, a bit of a forearm. It appears that the 7/10 devoured chunks of my 9/10 girlfriend.
So when you ask why 6 is afraid of 7...
rush42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.......sigh...
Not sure it was worth 5 minutes of my life. But take my upvote.
Straell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win the award? He was outstanding in his field.... yep and whats more, in his acceptance speech, he was quoted as saying, " hey, its in my jeans.
3 blondes find a genie lamp on a beach. The genie only has 3 wishes to give, so they decide to split the wishes.
The first blonde decided she was sick of being called dumb all the time, so she wished to become 50% smarter.
POOF - she turns into a ginger.
The second blonde liked that idea, but she wanted to take it even further. She wishes to be 100% smarter.
POOF - she turns into a brunette.
The third blonde reeeeeally didnโt want her hair color to change. In fact, she wanted to reach that โultimate platinumโ level of blonde thatโs so popular right now. So she wished to be 100% dumber.
A girl is sitting down at a table in a college library, when I guy comes over and sits near her, the guy shyly looks up from his book at her and smiles at her. The girl looks at him and loudly says
โNo I will not sleep with youโ,
everyone else in the library looks their way and gives the guy a disappointing look, the guyโs face turns red and walks away to put his book away and the girl follows him and tells him.
โIโm a psychology major, I know how to make someone feel embarrassedโ
The guy loudly responds
โ200 bucks for one night, thatโs way too muchโ
Everyone in the library looks over at the girl in shock
The guy whispers to her
โ Iโm majoring in Law, I know how to make someone feel guiltyโ
Dejouxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I jokingly say, โBruh Iโll beat cho assโ
They started laughing uncomfortably, followed by a, โwhatโ or a โhuh?โ
A truck driver is going down the road when he is cut off by a blonde woman in a sports car. Infuriated he motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The woman pulls over and gets out. The truck driver draws a circle made of chalk on the road, tells the woman to stand in the circle, and not to move out of it.
The truck driver turns and slashes the womans tires, as he does so the woman starts to giggle. The truck driver turns to see her standing in the circle and is confused by her behavior. He turns back to the car and punches out the windows. The blonde woman starts to chuckle at this, prompting the truck driver to turn around quizzically.
Finally the truck driver finishes destroying the vehicle and as he does so the blonde woman just starts laughing out loud. The trucker turns and screams:
"What is so funny?!"
The blond woman says, "everytime you turned around I stepped out of the circle"
I canโt remember the joke exactly but someone posted it before. Itโs like a genie asks three guys for three wishes each and one guy asks for spinning arms etc and it actually made me laugh for 20 minutes straight. If someone could find it Iโd be grateful.
A man is lost in the woods, he has been lost for days. He has no food no water and no phone. Its night time and hes walking aimlessly through the trees trying to find his way back to civilization, its freezing cold. As he is walking he sees a faint glimmer of light in the distance. Excited, he begin to run towards it. As he gets closer he begins to make out where the light source is coming from, through the trees he can make out what appears to be a cabin with a light on in the window. He runs as fast as he can eventually making it to the cabin, which is situated in the woods in the middle of nowhere with nothing else around. Outside is a truck. He runs to the door and knocks hoping somebody will answer to help him. A man answers brandishing a shotgun and he points it towards the lost man. "What do you want?" he says. The man replies "please can you help me Ive been lost in the woods for days with no food and no water and no phone. Even if you just let me stay the night in from the cold and then point me towards the nearest town in the morning?". The man with the shotgun pauses for a moment; he keep the gun pointed. After some deliberation the man replies "You can stay the night and then ill drive you where you need to go tomorrow, but on one condition.". The lost man replies "What is it? Ill do anything". "You can stay over but the problem is you will have to sleep in my daughters room and my daughter is mentally unstable. Shes out chopping wood at the moment and will be back soon. If you try anything with my daughter Ill shoot you dead, do you understand me? Dont even speak to her, not one word". The man replies "Of course that is completely fine, I would never, im married!". They come to an understanding and the lost man is shown up to the daughters room. He gets right into bed and tries to go right to sleep. As he is lying there he hears footsteps approach the door. The handle turns and the door swings open. He turns his head to see the mans daughter standing in the door frame. She is wearing a skimpy nightgown that is dripping off her body, shes the most beautiful woman he has ever seen with the most amazing figure. She closes the door and slowly walks towards him and sits on the bed. She says to him "I want to make you feel good baby". The man sits up in the bed, he replies "Im sorry but I cant talk to you, your father will shoot me if we talk". She replies "Oh come on baby he wont know anything, let me make you feel good with my hand then how about that?". Tempted, the man takes a second and then replies " Im sorry but no, I really shouldnt be talking to you now please just let me go to sleep". She replies "What about if I use both hands...? How about that?". The man replies "I really cant im sorry, im so tempted and you are so hot but your father will kill me" he whispers shoutingly "Now please just let me sleep." She pauses for a second and then says to him " what about if I use both hands and my tongue, how about that?". The man can resist anymore and give in to temptation, he says "okay then". Slowly she begins to move her arms, she brings her hands up towards each side of her head and stick her thumbs in her ears, waves her fingers about, sticks her tongue out and and goes "blubblubblubblublub"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many nice guys does it take to a change a light bulb?
None, they all compliment it and wonder why it won't screw.
an elephant meets a snake. The elephant asks the snake โdo you know who I am?โ
the snake replies โwell, you've got big ears, tusks and grey skin... you've got to be an elephant. But do you know who I amk?โ
the elephant takes a good look at the snake and says โwell, you've got leathery skin, no ears and no hair... you've got to be Niki Lauda!โ
Only works if you know who Niki Lauda is, which everyone in my country does
EDIT: I like bad/evil jokes
EDIT 2: as an Austrian, I'm entitled to dovthat joke, as Mr. Lauda has said some controversial stuff in the past about things where he is in no position to say anything
A team of Vatican scientist go see the Pope with some disturbing news. The Anti-Christ has been born... And their plan to fight it involves making a super holy baby. But they need the Pope to be the father and it has to be a natural conception.
The Pope Thinks about it for a while and says he will do it under 3 conditions.
They council of Vatican Scientist waits in anticipation...
The Pope begins..
1 She must be of age but a virgin as purity is essential.
Yes Pope we were thinking that would be a good idea Pope... What else...
2 She must be deaf, mute and blind so she can not tell anyone about the event... this must remain a secret!..
Yes Pope absolutely.... What else your excellency?
Santa Claus rides his sleigh over Somalia on Christmas Eve, sees a lot of poor children, slows down and asks: "Did you have supper, kids?", to which all the kids start clamoring no. Santa turns to them and say: "No supper, no gifts"
I'm sorry, I swear that in my native language it's way funnier. Also, no disrespect to Somalia or poverty in general, you can use any third world country.
cevapi,pasulj and fis paprikas are national dishes,if i would to translate them it would be rolled meat,fis soup and beans,which is not correct,just search those things in our language and you'll see what they are,in a nuttshell,you fart incredibly strong after eating those
yrast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits.
She said โHowโre you gonna make that feel good for me?โ
โRight before I come Iโll stop punchinโ ya in the face!โ
~Doug Stanhope
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It turns out, quite a lot, actually. You need someone to make the lightbulb in the first place, someone to make the glass for the lightbulb, someone to make the filament for the lightbulb, someone to have invented the lightbulb in the first place, someone to sell the lightbulb, someone to buy the lightbulb, someone to take the lightbulb home, someone to have made a socket for the lightbulb, someone to have made the metal for the lightbulb socket, someone to have invented electricity, someone to run a power plant to get that electricity to your house, someone to have built the power plant, and someone to shart in your face.
Why was lieutenant Uhura black?
Because William Shatner.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 21:38:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's last call and Jimmy and Johnny have to drive home. They're both drunk. Jimmy says, "Don't worry Johnny, I know how to jrive shafely drunk." Johnny says alright, he knows he can't drive.
So they set off, and soon come to a red light. Jimmy floors it and speeds through. Johnny is holding on for dear life and shouts, "Fahck Jimmy, what're ya doin?" Jimmy says, "Idz alright, Jakey showed me how to do this, you come to a red light and you jus floor it!" Johnny thinks that's insane, but he's too drunk to take over, so he lets it happen.
They carry on like this until they come to a green light. Jimmy slams the brakes. Johnny goes, "Oh, what the hell is it now?"
Jimmy says, "Well Jakey could be goin the other way!!"
A platoon of the British army were stationed in the desert, and had been for some time. Food supplies were running low, along with morale. The commander knew he had to raise the mens' spirits, so he said,
"Men, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, the only food we have left is camel poo. The good news is there's lots of it!"
[deleted] ยท -34 points ยท Posted at 19:52:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, tell her to get her ass back in the kitchen!
kauto ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:28:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How's that one been workin out for ye?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:06:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty damn good. Easy way to screen out the uptight anal retentive asshats.
Do you mean "Please clap" or are you talking about the guacabowle?
BTW, there is a COMPLETELY NOT INSANE dude here in Houston named Lee L. Mercer Jr. who periodically announces his presidential candidacy. I can't find his site right now, but among the 90-some reasons you should vote for him is - my hand to God, I am not making this up - around #75 or so, he wants to "prove that Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease."
Wait for a good timing when your friend is talking about kids or being a kid... Look at your friend all nostalgic and ask Remember when you were little and blowing bubbles? When they say yeah or uh huh... โwhen was the last time you spoke to bubbles? Howโs he doing?โ
ravi910 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:36:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Indian, and I introduce myself as "Alabarrukhjim" or some super weird name. People always give me some really weird look and then I tell them my real name, Ravi.
My sisters was The longest joke in the world something about how a snake survives in the dessert and for the most part you just make it up and drag it out with no real ending she managed to cockblock a guy telling it was funny to see him bored of it but acting interested for the girl watching
xxjrbxx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not going to type it out. Too long. But it's the Purple Feather story. Also the Plastic Parrot story and the Black Knight stories. They're verbal only.
Or SunburnedAlbino's https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBl1ovJ55RSpBt2KA49_Yxw
"I was fingering this girl and i didnt know she was on her period and her parents walked in, caught me red handed"
I have a few jokes that i wrote, But they rarely see the light of day. Heres one
"Everyone at school thinks im jewish and thinks im gay. So i get really mixed messages when they invite me into the showers."
A man visits a brothel looking to meet a woman, he hasn't been with anyone in awhile. He meets the madam and says I don't have much money but it's been awhile and I'm desperate do you have anything affordable? She said yes, Mary is 100.00 does that work? He says no I can't afford that. Well, the madam says, how about Paula, she's beautiful and only 70.00. he says 'no, what is the cheapest you have?'. The madam thinks a minute and replies 'there is one girl, Sandy, she's only 10.00'. ' yes! I'll take her' he replies. Ok let me get her she replies. They meet and befin, he enters her and says ouch it's a little sry is there anything you can do? Sandy says ' be right back'. after a few mintutes she returns and he tries again...it's amazing he cums screaming oh my gosh that was amazing...'what did you do'? 'i picked my scabs'
My dad keeps a small ceramic horse in every house Iโve lived in since I was a kid, just so he can go over and pet it while saying โIโm feeling a little horse.โ He says it to everyone who comes over.
So I was driving down i4 with my girlfriend and I see this boardwalk burgers. Just your standard burger joint. Homeless people throwing burgers on the foreman. I look to my girlfriend and I say, โboardwalk burgers? More like board burgers. Because those burgers arenโt having any fun.โ
A pirate walks into a bar with his fly open and a whole shipโs steering wheel sticking out. The bartender says โWhoa! That looks uncomfortable!โ The pirate replies โYar! It be drivinโ me nuts!โ
A goldfish walks into a bar
Bartender asks, โWhat can I get you?โ
Goldfish says, โWater.โ
Nakabg ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:07:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A gorgeous prince was born in a kingdom far away . But he had one problem , a screw on the place of his belly button . One day , he went to the town witch to ask her what to do with his problem . She said that in a cave thousand of km away there was a dragon and that in his belly there was a wrench which he could use to get the screw out .
So he traveled for many years , finally reaching the cave . After a long battle he killed the dragon and took the wrench , then he proceded to unscrew the screw and his ass fell off .
Apparently I became the "funny guy" when I said something stupid one time when I was out with friends. To be honest, I didn't even think it was all that funny. So when one of those friends got a new girlfriend, he totally over hyped how funny I was. Apparently he played it off like I was some comedy genius. So when I met her in person, she asked me to say something funny. I've never tried to think of something funny on the spot like that. It's so much easier to respond to something with a witty comment rather than come up with a funny scenario from nothing.
So, while panicking, I just said (as an homage to Finding Nemo), "So, there's this mollusk, and he walks up... Well he doesn't walk up, he swims up..." And that's all I got through before they started busting up. So now that's my go-to joke every time someone tries telling someone I'm funny, which probably happens more often than it should considering that I'm really not that funny.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold that monkey for you."
So me and my girlfriend were driving down the I 4, itโs a highway here in Florida, and we drive past this sign that says โBoardwalk Burgersโ, you know, a sign for some sort of place where homeless people slap Burgers onto the olโ George Forman. Now with no hesitation my quick wit and superior intellect came up with a joke thatโs the pinnacle of comedy, a real humdinger. I turn to my girlfriend and say โBoardwalk Burgers? More like Bored Burgers, cus the Burgers arenโt having any fun
MJWood ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:59:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy walks into a bar and says "one beer please" bartender gives him a beer he drinks it, looks in his pocket, sighs and says "another please". He drinks that one, looks in his pocket, sighs, and repeats this again. On the fifth time the bartender says "ok, you have to tell me why you keep looking in your pocket and ordering another beer".... the man reaches into the pocket and pulls out a picture and shows it to the bartender. "See this is my wife, and I keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home to"..... badum tisssssss.
durukkk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:55:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two female ostriches were having a calm walk when one of them spotted the two male ostriches some distance behind them. 'Hey, have you notice those two? I can swear they weren't there a minute ago, you think they may be following us?' asked one to the other, and considering its close to mating season, they decided to walk a bit faster, just to make sure they weren't being stalked. However, in a minute the females realize that the two males behind them were also getting gradually faster, not letting the distance grow. Hearts pounding, not only from the now full blown chase which was a leisurely walk a minute, but also from the slowly crippling fear of impending doom, the female ostriches started to run with everything they got. However, the males were rapidly closing the distance.
Realizing that they had no chance to get away, 'Quick!' shouted one of the females, 'we must bury our heads into the sand, it's the only way!' Just for a split second, the other one had this image of the two of them standing there, with their head buried into the sand. Thought of objecting, then with panic she submitted to the idea and buried her head into the sand.
...5 seconds later...
one of the males could hardly stop the other one from his blind chase and asked.. "dude, where did they go???" they stopped and and looked around in wonder...
A white man, a Mexican man, and a black man stand before the Devil. He says to them, walk up these 1000 stairs and you can go to heaven. If you come back I will cut off your dick and melt it in my hand. The white man goes up about a quarter of the way and comes back. Devil cuts off his dicks and melts it in his hand. The Mexican makes it about half way and comes back. Devil cuts off his dicks and melts it in his hand. The black man makes it about three quarters of the way and comes back. Devil cuts off his dicks and attempts to melts it in his hand. When it doesn't melt the black man laughs and says "Melts in your mouth. Not in your hands."
Not my joke but this one's possibly my favorite joke of all time and always makes me laugh.
Okay, so I was driving with my girlfriend down I4, an interstate down in Florida. While driving, I saw a sign for this restaurant called Boardwalk Burgers. You know, just a joint where some homeless people throw some patties on the formans, just a whole burger place. Anyway, I saw this sign and with a quick wit, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Boardwalk Burgers? More like Bored Burgers, cuz those burgers aren't having any fun!"
Aenema_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:08:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This isnโt even funny smh ๐ค๐ค๐ค
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 22:41:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
olmikeyy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven one day. It's 400 degrees. One muffin turns to the other and says, "god damn its hot in here!"
/
The other muffin goes "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Whatโs big and yellow and if it falls on you from a tree it will kill you?
A JCB.
aeroxan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, this one's long but bear with me. This works best in a group with multiple people telling jokes:
So there's a donut on a cruise. And it's his birthday. He goes to the captain and says: "captain, I'm a donut, it's my birthday. I want to drive the ship." Captain says: " no way, you're a donut. You can't drive the ship." Donut returns to his room and begins pacing around thinking "no, he's gotta let me drive the ship." He returns to the captain and says "captain, I'm a donut, it's my birthday, you gotta let me drive the ship." Captain says: "no, and if you ask me again, I'll throw you overboard." Donut returns to his room pacing. After more deliberation, he returns to the captain and says: "captain, I've decided. I'm a donut, it's my birthday. You must let me drive the ship." Captain throws the donut overboard.
(At this point there is an awkward pause while everyone is waiting for the punchline which doesn't exist but that's the end of phase 1).... Wow this guy sucks at jokes.... Now, you wait for other people to tell some jokes. Maybe throw in a few others of your own. Later, you tell phase 2:
So there's a couple on a trip down the coast. They stop at a beautiful Vista. The man gets down on one knee and presents a ring asking: "will you marry me?" The woman excitedly says yes while swinging her arms to embrace her now fiance. I'm her arm swing, she accidentally smacks the ring out of his hands and it falls into the ocean. They are saddened, but they're in live so it's ok. Later that night, they order the fish at a seafood restaurant. When they cut open the fish, what do they find?
I go to a gas station the other day and pay for my fuel and ask the female clerk for a Kit Kat Chunky.
She passes me a Kit Kat Chunky and I said โI just wanted a normal Kit Kat... you fat bitch!โ
A man and his wife go to the zoo for the afternoon. Walking around they take in a ll the different exhibits.
While walking past the Gorilla enclosure the wife notices that the Gorilla has taken a liking to her and can't take her eyes off of her.
upon telling her husband she is surprised at his reaction.
Husband: blow him a kiss.
she does... and the Gorilla comes right up to the bars of his enclosure.
Husband: Wink at him and toss your hair a bit.
She obliges and the Gorilla grabs the bars and is visibly enthralled.
Husband: Hike up your skirt a bit... show him some leg... maybe unbutton your top a bit to show some cleavage.
She shows a hefty amount of cleavage and leg much to the delight of the Gorilla who is now climbing the bars and beating his chest emphatically.
*Husband grabs wife, opens the cage door, throws her inside and while walking away yells back to her; "Tell him you have a fucking headache now"
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, "Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, "Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball."
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, "If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," replied the son, "I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, "If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," said the son to this, "I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls."
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. "A carton of pink ping pong balls?"
"A carton of pink ping pong balls," the boy confirmed.
"I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls," said the father, "but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have." And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
"Dear son," said the father, "I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?"
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. "Please humour me, dear father."
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. "Dearest father," the son started, "I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls." One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
"Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible." It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
"Father," the son said, "You've made me very happy yet again." That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. "My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?"
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. "Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father held his son's hand tightly. "Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls."
"Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls."
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
"Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls."
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
"Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls," the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
"I-" the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
"I- I-"
Then he died
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was driving down i-4 with my girlfriend and there was an advertisement for boardwalk burgers, which is like this little shitty burger spot where like homeless people i guess just throw them on a grill or something and the sign said "come try the new boardwalk burgers" and i saw it out of the corner of my eyes and i was like boardwalk burgers, more like bored burgers, cuz those burgers aren't having any fun!
Edit: This is just too much of a thinking man's joke for you cro-magnons.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worst.
aqkj ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:12:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I say something, trying to be funny. It doesn't always work (ok most of time), but if you do the same joke three times in a row it always works. Warning : Can come out as dumb
casidus ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:13:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mute-Deaf people masturbate with the left hand because they mian with the right hand... (it's the best translation!
I don't even know if that makes sense, but people get a picture of a pearson using his hands for moaning, that's funny and the joke is "I should not laugh at this".
Saved comment
MissDeeMeeNor ยท 4169 points ยท Posted at 04:31:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to the doctors recently
He said: โDonโt eat anything fattyโ
I said: โWhat, like bacon and burgers?โ
He said, โNo. fatty donโt eat anything.โ
Jezzy14 ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 04:25:03 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was great
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 19:03:11 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Redditbotno2018 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:48:42 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just like you are
JacP123 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 08:21:10 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I use this on tinder will people think I'm a catfish?
hagmanse ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:27:44 on April 24, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like with the right comedic timing of how you emphasize the last line, this is a great joke. I donโt think I have the timing however ha
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 10:36:10 on May 1, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When writing it, just do The same phrase but a comma before fatty.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 2856 points ยท Posted at 02:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.
Rose asks her mother, โMom, why did you name me Rose?โ
To which her mother replies, โWell sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!โ
Lily, curious now, asks her mother โMom, why did you name me after a flower too?โ
To which her mother replies, โWell sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!โ
Cinderblock says to her mother, โhghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!โ
Marowak ยท 2445 points ยท Posted at 19:38:15 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, no, no. You have it the wrong way round. Don't reveal their names straight away, it's a much more unexpected punchline. It should be more like -
A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.โ
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" (do an exaggerated impression).
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."
ironanchor13 ยท 471 points ยท Posted at 02:47:49 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was always told you say, "SHUT UP, BRICK!"
trer24 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 01:50:00 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No it's funnier when you hear the names from the outset because the Listener is drawn in wondering why the last daughter is named Cinderblock
WowPlayaa ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 06:00:27 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope the 2nd guy is the way I heard it from originally and totally agree with him.
i-brute-force ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 21:13:44 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But you would infer the punchline from Lily, if not Rose
RottenZombieBunny ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:36:02 on May 1, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I realized that a cinderblock would fall on cinderblock's head as soon as i read "a rose fell on your head" (Although i did burst out in laughter at the end of the first line).
Martofunes ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:44:09 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I agree with you, you poor downvoted opinionated fellow.
Imsomehowrelated ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:57:34 on April 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me 3
InfnteNothng ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:24 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I also agree with you.
CasuallyUnassuming ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:26:00 on April 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The way I tell it, the last line is "Just then cinderblock walked in." (make an abrupt ending)
MRU Mru MRU MRAGHHHEHHH Crazy Dave from Plants vs. Zombies impression, but more thematic!
2livecrewnecktshirt ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:59:09 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm definitely going to hell after laughing at this. You better be there too so we can shake hands.
Costanza80 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:19:31 on June 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the native American version.
A young man asks his father "dad, where did my brother, running bear, get his name."? He replied, "when he was born, a bear ran right by us." "What about my sister, Morning Dove"? The boy replied. His father said "oh a dove flew by the morning she was born. Why do you ask, two dogs fucking?"
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:11:42 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't lilies grow in water?
ShuffleAlliance ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:20:40 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get out of here with your logic and shit
rayallen2020 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:03 on September 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LMAO this was hilarious
kaiserpuss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:29 on May 5, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow you really butchered the hell out of that joke.
CrazyKing79 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:55:09 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HAHAHAHA!!!
ERMurse53 ยท 1898 points ยท Posted at 04:43:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to which he explains "thats the name of the fish, sum bitch." "Wow, well that is a big sum bitch, lets go show it to the priest!"
The two boys run up to the priest yelling, "Priest look at this big sum bitch we caught!" Priest- "You boys can't talk like that you're alter boys!" Alter boys- "Priest thats the name of the fish, sum bitch" Priest- "Well that is a nice sum bitch, lets go catch some more of those sum bitches and show em to the cardinal!"
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal. "Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!" Cardinal- "I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!" Alter boys- "Well thats the name of the fish, sum bitch" Cardinal- "I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches, lets take them to the nuns and see if she'll cook up these sum bitches!"
So the alter boys, the priest and the cardinal go see the nun. "NUN! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!?!" Nun- "I aint cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!" Alter boys- "Nun thats the name of the fish, sum bitch!" Nun- "Well since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!"
That night the pope is visiting town and sets down for supper with the alter boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.
Alter boys- "I can't believe we caught all these sum bitches!" Priest- "These are the best sum bitches I have ever ate!" Cardinal- "Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!" Nun- "I sure did, you boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!"
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says......."Y'all mother fuckers are alright!"
TheMoonWalker115 ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 20:53:01 on April 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my lost essay thanks for funding it
SunlightSpear ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 22:04:19 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whereโs the joke
forfal ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 21:56:48 on April 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The pope used strong language.
hifellowkids ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 05:53:44 on April 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish he used it in the first paragraph.
theawesomeness9 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:27:49 on May 10, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Altar*
Wolf_666_69_420 ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 22:02:39 on May 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i want my five minutes of painful reading back
tryintofly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:37:28 on September 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're name isn't Aaron is it? He's this guy I know who's told this joke about 100 times and thinks it's the most hilarious thing ever, while everyone else can't stand it.
If you are, hey bud, just kidding!
Creepy_OldMan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:05 on September 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm imagining Denzel Washington in Training Day but as a Pope saying this.
kukkuzejt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:01:47 on August 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's spelt "altar" if you are talking about a table used for religious rites. There were way too many "alter"s to let it go.
Waveseeker ยท 1546 points ยท Posted at 02:16:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees
Because they're very good at it.
Succubus350 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 06:30:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol! The only joke to actually make me laugh. Thank you.
MaskinRobbins ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:10:56 on May 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well played. You get a shiny new upvote
hayllyn ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:27:41 on June 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this... might be my new favorite joke. Thank you SO much.
MunkeeMuncher ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:15:37 on July 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The best kind of camouflage is bright pink camouflage. Have you ever seen a soldier in bright pink camouflage? Exactly.
gigilo_down_under ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:22:26 on July 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thats my joke
Waveseeker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:35 on July 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait for real? I saw it on here a while ago and tell it to just about everybody.
Fucking kills man.
gigilo_down_under ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:20 on July 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah i found it online and "owned it" too Nice joke hey. Found one bimbo thst didnt get it
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:26 on April 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Waveseeker ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:06:38 on April 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've never seen a hippo hiding in a tree because they hide very well.
send_me_2 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:28:36 on May 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He deleted his account for shame?
adamMcelfresh ยท 2005 points ยท Posted at 00:57:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.
This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.
Derpiderp ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 14:57:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me laugh out loud
hfeuger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:24 on August 5, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
n
hfeuger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:53:30 on August 5, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
n. ??
Black_N ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 23:24:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funny, but also really saddening
Twitch_Main ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:24:48 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit you just unblocked a shit ton of memories
27billion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:37:25 on May 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I autistic.?This jokes seems super unlaughable.
bendwick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:37:37 on May 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually laughed out loud
SirNapkin1334 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:04 on July 24, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only 40%? Too bad, Iโve always wanted to ride in a bulldozer.
[deleted] ยท 2993 points ยท Posted at 02:11:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 204 points ยท Posted at 21:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"
"Umm.. yeah. Why?"
"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"
"What are you talking about? I said yeah."
Bruce_Wayne_Naked ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 10:38:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We were hoping... you coold teach us.. :D
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 13:18:20 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will teach you, if you are willing to.... learn. :D
BOBULANCE ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:10 on April 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm willing to learn if you're willing to... teach :D
ijustlovebreasts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:47:43 on June 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs why you start it out โwhatโs the difference between...โ
DiejenEne ยท 129 points ยท Posted at 08:45:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you know the difference between a toilet bowl and a deep fryer?"
"No..."
"Hell, I'm never gonna have fries at your place."
Martofunes ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 06:47:34 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. A similar one.
-Do you know the difference between a mailbox and a lion's anus?
-no
-never send a letter then, just in case.
uranusismars ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 15:32:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Such an underrated joke, like this one:
There are two kinds of people in the world:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete info
EDIT: a word
Martofunes ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:45:59 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those who understands binary and those who don't.
LordLlamacat ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:08:50 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who didnโt expect a ternary joke
Martofunes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:44:57 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a different punchline.
"So, it was you -.-"
bellsofwar3 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:19:42 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna need help with this one please.
tziirii ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 07:31:51 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think there was shit on the shower curtain lol
bellsofwar3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:50:42 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking that but wasn't sure. Thanks.
theanghv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:53 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it, anyone mind explaining?
cabothief ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:09:34 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone (in the joke universe) got poop on the shower curtain. It was clearly someone who doesn't know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper.
You ask the victim of the joke if they know the difference. They (probably) say no, because they recognize the format of a joke and want the punchline. You then blame them for poopin' on a curtin'.
Then I try to explain the joke to you 5 days later, after you've probably forgotten about the whole thing, and have no idea why you're getting an orangered about poop on shower curtains.
Gamewarrior15 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:31:11 on July 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i got poop on my shower curtain for 3 months
Iron_man_wannabe ยท 232 points ยท Posted at 00:30:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh....
No pun in ten did
straightouttaireland ยท 2413 points ยท Posted at 22:43:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
Lanaerys ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 11:03:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You really excel at jokes, don't you?
straightouttaireland ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 18:59:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I suppose I just have a good outlook on comedy
Littlebigreddit50 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
maybe he will get a full access to a comedy career
t33m3r ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:44:12 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...Or maybe heโll just end up in the Projects.
Wolf_666_69_420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:07:41 on May 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wow you guys crack me up, i recon you could write a book with a ood puplisher
_coyotes_ ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:59:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, part of my front lawn and my deodorant, you have my word, my sward and my Axe.
Sweetlilbirdy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:37:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To the person who stole my thesaurus... I have no words for how angry I am!
Benedicto4 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:12:47 on May 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw the world's worst thesaurus the other day. Not only was it terrible, it was terrible.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:43:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember the days when this joke would not work Word Perfect.
TigerFan365 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:29:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It looks like youโre trying to tell a joke....
smelltogetwell ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:14:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one took me a minute. Well played!
Mathev ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:41:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Excelent!
t33m3r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:06 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A true visio nary
Somethingception ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:30:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of Microsoft Certifications, Certifications I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my Microsoft Office go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will input data, I will make a graph, and I will use pivot tables.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:55:43 on June 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good one!
Coincedence ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you Excel at that. Please contact my Publisher to show your results. Don't forget to Access your acount to prevent activation. I would keep going but eventually the joke becomes power-pointless.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:40 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
straightouttaireland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:41 on August 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet thanks. Cake means gold right?
bhowandthehows ยท 3680 points ยท Posted at 23:44:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt. โShit I canโt go home like this my wife will kill meโ The bartender sees this and says โput a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaningโ. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies โa drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaningโ. To which his wife says โOk well then why do you have $40 in your hand?โ โBecause he also shit in my pants.โ
Dawpr ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 11:51:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also funny to hear Dan harmon completely fail at telling this joke.
camarang ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:07:29 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Link?
Dawpr ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:41:34 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh boy, its in an episode of his podcast harmontown, i couldnt tell you which episode though, sorry.
Praise_Sign-ence ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 11:32:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn that got me good
[deleted] ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 06:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is funny because usually people don't take off their pants in public.
tommybres ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 06:52:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day, you're still trying too hard though
camarang ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:07:43 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out?
TheMediocreCock ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:50:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my favorite.
TheiMacNoob ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:58:59 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it lol
bhowandthehows ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:11:01 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really?
nachosjustice72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:58 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love Mr B's delivery of this one
LoneberryMC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:09 on July 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this comment is over 100 days old, but I was just lookin through this thread and saw someone reference Mr. B in the wild and that was a seriously important occurance. Also, I was trying to remember where I'd heard this joke before, lol
purplehayes0117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:46 on April 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
havent heard this one in yeaaars, yes then
jasonwc22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:58 on May 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Literally tears from laughing my ass off. Thanks.
BloodAndBroccoli ยท 11204 points ยท Posted at 01:08:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...
charchomp ยท 2221 points ยท Posted at 06:11:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that was a buildup that was good
FuzzyIon ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 11:23:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cyanide and Happiness did a sketch similar to this where the girl is playing hopscotch and the family member gets crippled when she says something.
Called "Step on a Crack"
rather_be_a_hobbit ยท 165 points ยท Posted at 08:23:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had to make sure it wasnโt shittymorph first.
pheret87 ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 10:50:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Solon_Tofusin ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 10:59:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I believe it was more of a punctuation mistake than phrasing. "That was a build up. That was good."
pheret87 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 11:34:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, I'm already romantically attached to my first interpretation.
mandal110 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 10:51:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good joke!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:34:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it's like that one scene in big fish with the kids terrible dreams
eachfire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:30:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A good buildup?
JamesH93 ยท 214 points ยท Posted at 08:17:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is in the movie Big Fish
wokcity ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 08:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey now that's been a long time. Gonna rewatch this!
pheret87 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:50:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then listen to the Yellowcard song about the movie!
melperz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:05:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's been a long time since i've watched it and can't remember it mentioned there. Which part of it there?
HermesJRowen ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 10:42:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When the main character is talking to his son's wife, as she sees him wake up in the middle of the night, and sits in bed next to him, right after the scene in the dinning table where he speaks about the the birds in the Amazon rainforest that can only speak french. In that joke, the main character is the daughter, saying he had that power as a child too.
As the movie is filled with this types of stories from him, you actually believe for a second he might be serious, that he could sense people meant to die soon, yet it ends with the milkman, he's true father, dying.
PFGtv ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:40:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was told much better, too.
FourteenFour ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:17:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
which is an incredible film and the book is just so good too.
fascist___hag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:25:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the few instances where I actually prefer the movie to the book.
GingeTheRat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had no idea it was a book!
suntofloare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
just saw that movie a few hours ago, such a coincidence
____Batman______ ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 05:06:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh my god
JitrDunkin ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 11:17:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do the "mailman is the father" jokes always catch me off guard
WilloniousFunk ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 06:30:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was suspenseful. I dug it!
EpsilonGecko ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 05:52:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooohhhhh shit
Wintergreene ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sad fact is the future generation isnโt going to know what a milkman is, soon it will be jokes about the Uber eats driver.
Pixel871 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:26:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you can just use mailman instead of milkman.
musiczlife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:09:39 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didnt get it.
Theelectroninja ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 06:20:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke in the thread
Fluffywoodchuck ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 08:45:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha, this is a creepy joke but very funny. Still think the little girl is quite scary.
Raider_Scavver ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:10:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kangaroo walks into a bar and looks at the menu. The bartender says, Wow! We don't get many kangaroos in here! The kangaroo says, And at these prices you aren't likely to get many more!
CLAY_DAVlS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:42:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sheeeeiiiiitttt
SharpFarmAnimal ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:17:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too bad the milkman's fucking your wiiife!
Weir_D ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:54:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.
lab_coat_goat ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:35:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i don't understand, could you ELI5?
PacoSinbad_ ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 07:43:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Milkman is the dad since the little girl is saying "Goodbye daddy" and the person you're led to believe is the dad really isn't.
Nine_Tails15 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:17:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that was beautiful
kickfairer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:56:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That had me hollering. LOL
suggestiveinnuendo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does she look straight at him?
pagwin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
okay can someone explain I don't get it
umybuddy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:49:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it can I get an explanation.
umybuddy ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 07:51:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just got it nvm
the_sky_is ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 08:13:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Usually this is me.
__adrenaline__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:43:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a minute ๐คฃ
Br4inworm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:20:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But... What is the 2nd bad day moment??? Don't let me hanging.
not-quite-a-nerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My new favourite joke
Catman360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol is it weird that I first saw this joke 6 years ago in the form of a rage comic
Bridude58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought he was going to get divorced
Sharklolol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:08:10 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the daughter would have died when he came back. What a rollercoaster.
nfmadprops04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:41 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not the Amazon man?
thelawyerinmaking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:08 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was the mailman.
Karmic_Indian_Yogi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:23 on July 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a short film in Tamil that's the same story that's about a couple years old. Don't know which came first.
HateCopyPastComments ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 10:08:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Meh
BushWasTaken ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 13:55:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can we have a tldr?
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:11:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No
cwood1973 ยท 9697 points ยท Posted at 00:19:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is getting a checkup.
Doctor: "You have to stop masturbating."
Man: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you."
[deleted] ยท 4302 points ยท Posted at 04:54:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
EscortSportage ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 13:58:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude thats crazy i just got a prostate exam, weird the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders....strange right?
[deleted] ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 05:19:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"*notices buldge Ow0 wats this?"
I'm sorry but I just need to reference this no matter how disappointing
ethium0x ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 08:17:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edit: I'm sorry everyone, I should have put a NSFL warning at the beginning. Oh well, too late
Rawr x3 nuzzles how are you pounces on you you're so warm o3o notices you have a bulge o: someone's happy ;) nuzzles your necky wecky~ murr~ hehehe rubbies your bulgy wolgy you're so big :oooo rubbies more on your bulgy wolgy it doesn't stop growing ยท///ยท kisses you and lickies your necky daddy likies (; nuzzles wuzzles I hope daddy really likes $: wiggles butt and squirms I want to see your big daddy meat~ wiggles butt I have a little itch o3o wags tail can you please get my itch~ puts paws on your chest nyea~ its a seven inch itch rubs your chest can you help me pwease squirms pwetty pwease sad face I need to be punished runs paws down your chest and bites lip like I need to be punished really good~ paws on your bulge as I lick my lips I'm getting thirsty. I can go for some milk unbuttons your pants as my eyes glow you smell so musky :v licks shaft mmmm~ so musky drools all over your cock your daddy meat I like fondles Mr. Fuzzy Balls hehe puts snout on balls and inhales deeply oh god im so hard~ licks balls punish me daddy~ nyea~ squirms more and wiggles butt I love your musky goodness bites lip please punish me licks lips nyea~ suckles on your tip so good licks pre of your cock salty goodness~ eyes role back and goes balls deep mmmm~ moans and suckles
Pappershuvud ยท 137 points ยท Posted at 08:28:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No sir, I donโt like it.
Zealot360 ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 08:38:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What in tarnation
S3Ni0r42 ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 09:13:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know whether to upvote or report you...
ethium0x ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 10:01:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I were you I'd report myself. But I'm not you, so please upvote me thanks :)
SpaceAtlantis ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 09:22:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why not both?
__i0__ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:59:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To the police
reddit-poweruser ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 09:13:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need an adult
Benezio98 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 09:19:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am an adult.
achilleasa ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 09:46:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are on the adult table but we do not grant you the rank of adult.
Blastoise420 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 11:45:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sudo I am an adult
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:33:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedlinux
achilleasa ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, my lord.
Benezio98 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:47:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....shit.
camarang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:59:21 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What? How can you do this? This is outrageous! Itโs unfair! How can you be on the adult table and not be an adult?
the_okay ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:18:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are you, gay?!
ye
Benezio98 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:20:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that so?
I certainly hope so...
marino1310 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:22:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need a different adult
JacP123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:23:14 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need an adult-ier adult
achilleasa ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 09:46:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How to delete someone else's comment
Aims_21 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 10:01:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How to delete someone else's comment
thesuper88 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 11:53:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't finish.
...
...
Maybe if I read it all the way through again.
SoapyNipps ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:05:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cleanse your sins.
AsurasPath23 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:16:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this real? Or am I in some coma.
__i0__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait is the the VR AI everyone has been warning us about?
tylertlat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:27 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which is more offensive to your sensibilities: that you live in a world which allows this to exist, or that it was constructed wholecloth from your own subconscious?
2plusde ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 10:36:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it better with emojis
Rawr๐ฒ๐ x3๐ nuzzles how are you๐๐ pounces on you๐ you're๐ so๐ warm๐ค๐ o3o๐ notices๐ฏ you have a bulge๐ o:๐ฏ๐ฎ someone's happy๐ ;)๐๐ nuzzles your necky wecky๐๐~ murr~ hehehe๐ rubbies๐๐ค your bulgy๐ wolgy you're๐ so big๐ฏ๐ฎ :oooo rubbies๐๐ค more on your bulgy๐ wolgy it๐ซ doesn't stop๐ growing ยท///ยท ๐kisses๐๐ you๐ and lickies๐๐ ๐ฆ๐ฆ your necky๐ daddy๐ฆ๐ฆ likies ๐(;๐๐ nuzzles๐ wuzzles I๐ hope๐๐ daddy๐ really likes๐๐ฆ๐ฆ $: wiggles butt๐ and squirms I๐ want๐ to see๐๐๏ธ๐๏ธ your๐ big๐ daddy๐ฆ๐ฆ meat๐๐~ wiggles butt๐ I๐ have๐ a little๐ itch o3o๐ฌ wags๐คค tail can you๐ please get my itch๐~ puts paws๐พ on your๐ช chest nyea๐~ its a seven7๏ธโฃ inch๐๐ itch๐ rubs๐๐ค your chest can you help๐ท meโฌ๏ธ pwease๐๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ squirms pwetty pwease๐๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ sad faceโน๏ธ๐๐ญ๐ข I๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ฉ need to2๏ธโฃ be๐ punished๐ runs paws๐พ downโฌ๏ธโฌ๏ธโฌ๏ธ your๐ chest and bites lip๐๐ like Iโฌ๏ธ๐ need๐ to2๏ธโฃ be๐ punished really good๐๐๐~ ๐พ on your bulge๐ as Iโฌ๏ธ lick๐ my lips๐๐ I'mโฌ๏ธ๐ getting thirsty๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ. Iโฌ๏ธ๐ can๐ go๐ for4๏ธโฃ some๐ milk๐ฅ๐ผ๐ unbuttons๐ your pants๐ as my eyes๐๏ธ๐๏ธ glow๐ you๐ smell so musky๐ :v๐ฏ licks shaft๐ mmmm๐~ so musky๐ drools๐คค all over your cock๐๐ฆ๐ฆ your๐ daddy๐๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ meat๐ I๐ like๐๐๐ fondles Mr. Fuzzy Balls๐ถ๐ฑ hehe๐ puts snout๐ฝ on ballsโฝโพ๐๐๐๐๐ฑ๐พ๐ณ๐ and inhales deeply๐จ๐จ๐ฌ๏ธ oh๐จ god๐จ im so hard๐ฑ~ licks ballsโฝโพ๐๐๐๐๐ฑ๐พ๐ณ๐ punish me๐ฒ daddy๐๐ฆ๐ฆ~ nyea~๐ซ squirms ๐ซmore and wiggles butt๐ I love๐๐ your musky๐ goodness๐๐ bites lip๐๐ please๐ punish๐ค๐ค me๐ง licks๐๐๐ lips nyea~๐ซ suckles on your tip๐๐ so good๐๐ licks๐ ๐ ๐ฆ๐ฆ pre of your cock๐ salty๐ goodness๐๐๐~ eyes role back๐ฐ and goes balls deep๐ฑ ๐ฐmmmm~ moans๐ฐ and suckles๐
troflwaffle ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 10:55:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You need Jesus
termiAurthur ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 11:05:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To execute him.
ethium0x ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 10:56:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dear god, I thought it couldn't get any worse...
termiAurthur ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 11:06:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never assume it can't get worse. Life finds a way.
711Lo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then the janitor entered the room...
thesuper88 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:54:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God - Oh ye of little faith
ethium0x ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:11:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forgive me father, for I have sinned
Aerolfos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:46:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Screamed the stable boy.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:35:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I really hate it when people claim that a post on the internet gave them cancer. Like, cancer is a real and horrible problem that people need serious medical treatment from, and people die every day from cancer, in serious pain.
That said: this post gave me fucking cancer.
zyqkvx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:12:54 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cancer gave me google
Mandrake7287425 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:56:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Umm
gridzbispudvetch ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:30:24 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And this is why the term "bad" exists
DaBlakMayne ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:21:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone please call the police
NutsEverywhere ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:26:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How to delete someone else's comment
StemsAndLeaves ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 09:25:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I spend 5 hours masturbating before my prostate exams. I edge, and edge, and edge, until a butterfly sneezing on my taint could bring me to orgasm. I tactfully shuffle my way down to the doctorโs office and when he lubes up I nearly cum every time. But Iโve trained my keggle muscles enough to the point where I can hold in Mount Vesuviusโs wrath. then as soon as he puts the smallest bit of pressure on my prostate I unleash with the fury of a lion hunting itโs prey. As the room gets covered in my hot sticky juices the doctor looks on disgusted and leaves the room. I always go to a hospital far away from where I live to get it so that I donโt have to go in for surgery under the doctor that I busted to. Best thing is we have free healthcare here, so the doctor gets me off and itโs covered by taxpayers. Thatโs my fetish.
KingMelray ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 15:55:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you delete someone else's life choices?
thesuper88 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 11:56:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's....
I never want to be a Doctor
sans322 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:09:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this a copypasta
MiguJorg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:22:30 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hope
SoapyNipps ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:06:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neff.
You.
tuck453 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:36:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha I get the reference
Zabaoth ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:03:56 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a Doctor. Would give you a prostate exam. I'm so good, I'll do it with both of my hands resting on your shoulders.
ProfVenios ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:38:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good for you mate, hope you don't stop doing what you love xxx
TheKevinKevin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:55:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You win
Sharktopusgator-nado ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:58:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This got a lol
BroccoliManChild ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:54:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My new Thai girlfriend says a little penis is not a problem in a relationship. Still... I wish she didn't have one.
darybrain ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 11:47:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other day I was on the bus and this smoking hot Thai girl got on and sat next to me. I wanted to speak to her, but was too nervous. I sat there saying to myself "Be cool man, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection." And then she did.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:18:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Zabaoth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:51 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Them fighting words. I'd also performed an sonogram.
KingMelray ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:53:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually felt pretty comfortable during my prostate exam, until the doctor put his hands on my shoulders.
awesmazingj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:20:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIโM SOOOORRYโ
thesuper88 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 11:51:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I put a twist on this?
I got a prostate exam and the doctor told me it's normal to get an erection.
But everyone I ask says he was supposed to use his fingers.
zyqkvx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:16:06 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Give him a break. Both his hands were holding medical equipment at the time.
gridzbispudvetch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OwO
ColdFire2003 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:25 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Larry Nassar?
andresiss ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 12:40:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to the doctor for a hand injury
Doctor: it seems like you have carpal tunnel, do you masturbate?
Man: I work in IT.
Doctor: do you masturbate
Man: Doc I work at a computer for 10 hours a day.
Doctor: do you masturbate.
Man: Fine yes, yes I masturbate.
Doctor: isnโt it awesome.
berber-guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:07 on July 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did not get it !
tiptoe_only ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 08:08:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman takes her English Mastiff to the vet for a check up.
Vet: "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put him down."
Woman: "What?! Why?"
Vet: "Because he's really heavy."
Betaateb ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:13:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welp, my monitor is now covered in whiskey. Thanks guy....
tjonnyc999 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:35:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Because it's hard to examine you"
peskyboner1 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:05:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa, just heard this joke for the first time a few hours ago. What are the odds?
Skotaeh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:15:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the joke that I am saving for future use.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:37:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fuck this was good
Dumroesenation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:06:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok...i may have to start using this one!
lilpastababy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:57:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! This is mine!!
jesuschristismyNlGGA ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:34:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get it?
qyka1210 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:19:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you have to stop masturbation (as general health advice) vs you have to stop masturbation right now. I didn't get it at first either
jesuschristismyNlGGA ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:57:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks.
qyka1210 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:16 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
np
jesuschristismyNlGGA ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 09:34:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get it?
AK_Organizer ยท 818 points ยท Posted at 23:45:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents) A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden. The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
mckim10 ยท 1711 points ยท Posted at 00:48:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, โWeโre looking for two child molesters.โ
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
โWeโll do it.โ
LilLizardBoi ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 03:52:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck man, Iโve had one of the worst days of my life today, but your joke brightened my day a little.
Thanks for that. I really needed it.
RoadRageRR ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 05:00:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Call it curiosity, but would you wanna open up on what happened?
LilLizardBoi ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 06:06:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eh might as well. My friend is pretty suicidal and I feel like thereโs nothing I can do to help. I found a clinic with trained psychologist that he could go to, but he still seems to scared to actually book an appointment. Heโs my closest friend and I have no idea what Iโd do without him. I literally have the new patient form on me, all he needs is his family doctor to fill it out. I made sure it was covered by the gouvernement because he told me how shit his health insurance is. Heโs gotten to a point where talking to a friend wonโt help him anymore, he needs to see a professional.
I also went from 11pm on Tuesday to 7pm on Wednesday without food. I was running late to class this morning so I wasnโt able to make something before I left. I canโt afford to get food when Iโm out so I was stuck. The stress of school and hunger pains donโt go well together. I ended up finding a bagel in an unused classroom, it was weeks old but I was so desperate. I didnโt have it because the risk wasnโt worth the reward. I found a can of pop and used that to fend off the pain for the last hour of class. It was honestly pretty unsuccessful and probably made things worse because it was Diet Coke and diet pop makes me wanna vomit.
Tomorrow will be spent on campus trying to finish 3 projects due that night. Iโve been too depressed to start them and the only place I can work on one of them is on campus, a place I want to desperately avoid. The not eating thing has become a bit of a pattern so now I associate being on campus with being so hungry that I canโt function properly anymore.
Shit is just kinda shit and like most of it is my fault so I honestly shouldnโt complain.
Spooms2010 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 07:32:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does the campus/University have a counselling service FOR YOU?? My good man (assumes gender) you need support as well!
LilLizardBoi ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:56:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It does, thatโs where I actually got the form for my friend. Iโve been going every other week I honestly probably shouldโve mentioned the food thing, but oh well.
Edit: spelling
Spooms2010 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:13:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Look after both of you. I know what itโs like to have mental illness as well as physical illness. The courage to dig deep and get up again can come from anywhere. But itโs good that you have spoken up and asked for help. Well done.
PM_ME_UR_TEAPOTS ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 11:11:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are a good friend. Now I'm worried about you. Do you have a friend or classmate with a dining hall card? They could sneak some food out to you. My boyfriend in college literally couldn't afford meals and he made it only by working at the dining hall, getting one big meal a day, and sneaking food out in his pockets. I don't even think it's wrong considering that tuition is so high young people have to go hungry. You have enough food at home?
tiptoe_only ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like hugs? I'll send you an internet hug. I hope things get better for you and your friend. You're a very good friend by the way, I know it feels like you can never do enough but you've been awesome to him.
skylinepidgin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:24:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit bro why are you starving yourself
LilLizardBoi ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:51:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ยฏ_(ใ)_/ยฏ
mckim10 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:03:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry to hear about your shitty day, man. Glad I had a bit of a pickup for you. Weโre all here if you wanna talk!
tiptoe_only ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:53:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My husband and I were on a road trip when we passed a sign that said, "Can you help? Fatal injury - Thursday."
I went "nah, I think I'm busy Thursday
He said, "Oh I'll do it, yeah"
lookalive07 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Woooowww
DeputyDawg30 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:52:01 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one got me! Bravo!
DustyLiberty ยท 355 points ยท Posted at 00:53:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably. F this, F that, F you and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman's outstretched hand. He looks into the lady's eyes and says "Ma'am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?"
duskmine ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:17:50 on April 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm lost
Snowy420 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 20:58:52 on June 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Parrot saw chicken in freezer and calmed itself real fast
duskmine ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:32:58 on June 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhh thanks a lot.
Cr4nkY4nk3r ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:24:12 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a similar one....
Pirate bought a parrot, parrot wouldn't stop saying "F you, you one eyed bastard!"
After putting up with it for a while, the pirate stuck the parrot in the freezer, then promptly forgot about it.
Next morning, he opens the freezer door, and the pirate is frozen solid (gotta pantomime this part) with one wing covering one of his eyes, and the other with his middle "finger" sticking up.
Emeryll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:43:08 on September 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean it makes the joke funnier, but im.pretty sure you meant to write parrot in that last paragraph
themagicchicken ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:07:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OvO
WHAT DID THE CHICKEN DO?!
fakeaccount572 ยท 5410 points ยท Posted at 00:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
TheBlackNight456 ยท 897 points ยท Posted at 06:38:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is driving around town with a car full of penguins, je gets pulled over and the officer yells him that he needs to take those penguins to the zoo.
The next day the man is driving with his penguins again and is pulled over by the same officer, the officer looks at the man and says
"Son didnt i tell you to take those penguins tobthe zoo"
Yes officer you did, today im taking them to the movies"
ultraayla ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 07:09:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this one as the second day all the penguins have sunglasses and they're going to the beach. Works well either way!
throwaway24515 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:49:34 on April 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think one is better the way my mom used to tell it. A zookeeper was driving the penguins to their new zoo when his truck broke down. A guy with a van pulled over to help and the zookeeper says "I can get the truck towed, but I need a huge favor. I'll give you $300 if you'll take these penguins to the zoo" So the guy says "Sure!", loads the penguins in his van and takes off. Later that day the zookeeper is having a coffee while his truck gets fixed and he sees the guy walking down the street with all the penguins following him. He runs out and says "Hey! What's going on? I thought you agreed to take those penguins to the zoo! I even gave you $300!" The guys says "I did take them to the zoo! But we had so much money left over, now we're going to the movies!"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:48:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really loved this one and the previous one. I want more penguin jokes!
7832507840 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:10:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a dad joke. That guy must be the penguins' dad.
chopsey96 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Commenting to find for later use xx
toss_my_potatoes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:34 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people
prosthetic4head ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 07:16:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first sentence of this is probably the best thing in this thread.
That's beautiful.
sd4c ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:40:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It sure beats "cellar door".
MasturbateToAnything ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 12:12:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's unrealistic though. The engine would be toast after even a mile with the oil pressure light on. For that reason I simply won't allow myself to laugh at this joke, keep it believable guys. ๐
034lyf ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 12:53:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know. How is the penguin driving with flippers? So many plot holes.
ChiReddit85 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:05:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"pot holes" he is driving...
fortknox ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:45:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That comes from this punny song called "Wet Dream"
goldchickadee ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:17:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit I forgot about this song! You have just reawakened part of my childhood.
ChaplnGrillSgt ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 10:20:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is such a ridiculous joke, but it actually make me laugh. Had no idea where it was going!
amazingBiscuitman ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 10:38:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this joke told about an eskimo driving his sled which breaks down. The repairman: "looks like you blew a seal". Eskimo: No, just a little frost on the mustache
muriken_egel ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 10:56:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two policemen are doing their patrol along the docks when they come across a small penguin hiding behind a trash can. Unsure of what to do, they bring the penguin to the Sheriff.
"Sir," asks one of them "We where walking along the harbor when we came across this little penguin; what do we do with it?"
"Well, take it to the zoo, of course." says the Sheriff.
A couple of days go by, until the Sheriff is surprised by seeing the same two officers walking back into his office, with the little penguin, now garbed in Disney merchandise, following close behind.
"What is the meaning of this??" demands the Sheriff.
"Sir, we came back because we've run out of ideas on what to do with it. the first day we took it to the zoo, as you said. The next day we took it to the cinema and the day after that we went to Disneyland."
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:52:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ETlTZoF1E
BerthaBenz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:05:45 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this going somewhere?
IQDeclined ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:07:43 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, this is gold.
HonestAvocado ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:06:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bahahahaha!!!! This is fantastic! I love it!
lilpastababy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:59:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hey!!!! This was my other go to! What the heck
uncletouchy269521805 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:47:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eh
Prometheus128 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
EDI is that you?
gmil3548 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn I came to post this exact joke only to see it as the top comment. All the could have been karma.
sandroaugos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm speechless
natethegreatx24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I posted this on r/jokes like 6 months ago and it got no love ๐
Gallcws ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahahahahaha Iโm loling in that bath
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lit ๐
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 7866 points ยท Posted at 23:01:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar...
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.
The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"
The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.
Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye."
The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet.
The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.
Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.
"Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got... $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it."
The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.
The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.
The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.
Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar.
Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass.
Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.
All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs.
The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is."
To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."
Obscu ยท 750 points ยท Posted at 23:05:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember the pissing one from Desperado.
joemo7361 ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 09:27:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except it's funnier in Desperado
onetwentyfouram ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 09:44:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All the fat is cut out of it in the movie
joemo7361 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 10:04:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but the delivery makes up for it
onetwentyfouram ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 10:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you cut fat out of a joke thats a good thing
DrunkenMasterII ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:48:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You must not be a fan of Norm Macdonald then.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
onetwentyfouram ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:18:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont see what is so hard to understand. It's an expression. If a joke to too wordy or long you say, "cut some of the fat out of that joke". Ideally you want premise and punch line as efficient as possible.
114dniwxom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:22:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We like our beer like we like our violence, domestic.
That joke cannot be told more simply and adding to it would make it less funny, not more. It's as low fat as it gets. You need every word but nothing else.
joemo7361 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:48:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Desperadoย (1995)
Pick-up Guy: [sitting at the counter inside the Tarasco Bar] This reminds me of a joke. This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, foosh, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This version works best on film, coming from Quentin Tarantino. The OP works better as a written joke I think. One is conversational and the other is something you read like an article.
Wyrdaele ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:04:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Less is more.
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 23:06:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never seen it. I've known this joke for years but never knew where it came from.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 12:52:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moAZ3AsyhLU
PirateDaveZOMG ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 10:25:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the joke a lot, but what's the point of him trying to piss into the shot glass twice?
dranezav ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 11:20:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At least to me, it threw me off. I thought for sure there was some trick
TalisFletcher ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 12:09:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We're as much of a mark as the bartender.
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:27:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know, that's just the way I'd heard it and I tell it the same way.
commandercrapper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:01:46 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive heard variations that involved him getting 1,000 dollars for pissing on the bar and 2,000 if he could do it a second time and 10,000 if the bartender was ecstatic.
RaggyGandalf ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 06:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You might enjoy this video my friend: https://youtu.be/moAZ3AsyhLU
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:51:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I'm thinking about Frank Gallagher. "I bet you 10000 dollars you can't stand up against getting tazed."
lemoche ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 09:43:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i know this one with the glass-eyed guy claiming that he has cube-shaped balls and the other bet being to get the barkeeper to play with his balls
RadioSlayer ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:41:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a bartender, this will now go alongside the joke about the spicy tequila, the old woman, and the dog
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:44:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, but have you heard the ones about the horse, the 12 inch man, or the turtle?
RadioSlayer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:22:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The 12 inch man yes, possibly the horse. However the turtle does not sound familiar
DaryaDevil ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:53:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tarantino!!!
gahgeer-is-back ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:28:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who wrote this joke? Leo Tolstoy?
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:29:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dickens, actually.
It was the best of jokes, it was the worst of jokes
XWTAWAY1689 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:04:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:21:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're my favorite
CatalystEXE ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:56:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now kith
making_tits_for_tots ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:55:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most impressive is how he managed to stop pissing midway after completing the first attempt and then start again after that!
justjamesx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:18:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just further proof it takes money to make money.
f0k4ppl3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:59:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is told in Desperado by Quentin Tarantino himself to Cheech Marin playing a bartender.
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:28:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yea I've never seen the movie but I've been shown the clip in this thread. He tells a shorter version, but the delivery is spot on to how I tell it.
ilovemallory ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:25:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I lost it at the part where he bet he could bite his other eye, and used his dentures to nip his good eye
Axolotegirl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:08:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL! this one's going to my collection
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:D
Wolf_666_69_420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:11:07 on May 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i cant be arsed to read another long one just to be disappointed, someone tell me, is it worth it?
Black_N ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:30:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar
Ouch
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:28:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 men walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have seen it
ministerofinjustice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:12:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of the Bank CEO's balls and the Old Lady joke.
jmm10b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's called an investment.
faceplanted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is practically a short intro to bet hedging.
tastethecrainbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen this as two different jokes. Works well together though.
manbearpiglet92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โGotta take a small hit if you wanna pull of a big heistโ
iamadrunk_scumbag ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 09:32:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zzzz long version of a old joke
Sir_paddles ยท -29 points ยท Posted at 09:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is not good.
MrHappyHam ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:40:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's clever.
ElectroPositive ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:27:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Judging by your score, and the score of the original comment, you are in the minority.
Nick_the_Cuber ยท 5131 points ยท Posted at 23:11:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.
"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
tombsar ยท 195 points ยท Posted at 02:37:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 142 points ยท Posted at 09:13:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your test results are in and it's good news.
You're having a disease named after you
madkeepz ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 14:52:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor: Well sir I've got good news and bad news, which shall I tell you first?
Patient: let's go with the bad news first doc
Doctor: I'm sorry to say you have cancer and there's nothing left to do about it
Patient: And the good news?
Doctor: You saw that hot secretary on your way in?
Patient: uh... yes?
Doctor, Well, I'm fucking her!
Softbounddeer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't remember what movie used this
Ryan_the_Reaper ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:29:17 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a movie. A show, House MD
Softbounddeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:46 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks but I'm thinking of another show or movie
thepoliticalhippo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:13 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? When?
Ryan_the_Reaper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:54 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like a 5 second bit in some random episode
AutisticJewLizard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:00:38 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im super late but it was Weasel in Deadpool
Softbounddeer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:53:05 on April 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
THANK YOU
AutisticJewLizard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:22:42 on April 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was gonna leave the comment alone but I know it would be burning in my head until I figured it out
AluminiumSandworm ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 09:11:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i feel like it's better to just stop at 4
WolfeTheMind ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 10:31:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're completely wrong. Objectively and subjectively. Absolutely and relatively. The countdown makes it.
ButItMightJustWork ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:43:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe the patient can only ever ask 4 more question until he/she dies?
ButItMightJustWork ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 10:44:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I have a good and a bad news for you"
"The good news first, please"
"You only have 24 hours to live"
"WHAT? Why is this the good part?"
"I forgot to tell you yesterday"
Candyvanmanstan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:03:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like the "good" news needs the word "only" to be removed.
dialmformostyn ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 10:15:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I've have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
berthejew ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:13:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A husband accompanies his wife to the doctor. He pulls the man aside and tells him:
Well, there are two possibilities of her condition from what I can tell. She's either got AIDS or Alzheimer's, it's difficult to tell which.
Husband: Well what can I do doc? How can I tell?!
Doc: Take a drive and drop her off in the middle of the woods. If she finds her way back, don't fuck her!
majestic_12inch ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 11:26:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the better disease, Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
Parkinson's.
Because spilling half your pint beats forgetting where you left it.
JerHat ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 07:20:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna have to try this at my girlfriendโs next work function she makes me go to. She works for an Alzheimerโs charity. Hopefully sheโll never ask me to go to one again.
KingMelray ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have good news and bad news:
The good news is you don't have to go to Alzheimers charity events.
The bad news is you're single now.
"Well at least I don't have to go to Alzheimers charity events!"
BAMspek ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:54:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock on wood!
knock knock
Iโll get it
Whelpie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I have good news, and I have bad news."
"Alright, give me the good news first, then."
"Well, you're gonna have a disease named after you..."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. That is the saddest joke I have ever heard. :C
shugerbooger ยท 3809 points ยท Posted at 21:53:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hobos were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his nuts. One hobo says wistfully, โGee, I wish could do that.โ His companion replies, โWell, maybe you should start by petting him first.โ
[deleted] ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 00:13:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a pub and says "look at that dog over there licking his bollocks! I wish I could do that!" And the landlord says "give him a biscuit and he might let you"
Actualprey ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 09:26:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the version I have heard...... brilliant....
nosomathete ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 23:57:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it as "that dog'll bite you!"
coolreg214 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:02:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried that once, that sonofabitch bit me!
Bachina ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 12:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here is my hobo joke.
Two hobos were walking down a road in the middle of winter. It's freezing outside and they haven't eaten for an entire week. All of a sudden they come across a dead bird. Hobo 1 digs up a knife and starts eating the bird. Hobo 2 just stares at him until hobo 1 offers him a bite. Hobo 2 says 'no thank you, you can have it'.
Then hobo 1 finishes his bird and they keep on walking. Then after some while they walk upon a dead cat that has been run over. Hobo 1 digs up his knife again and starts eating the cat, and like before, offers hobo 2 a bite. He again politely declines the offer.
They start walking again and come across a dead skunk, it has been dead for a while and smells rather disgusting. Hobo 1 starts eating it and yet again hobo 2 declines his offer of a bite.
They keep on walking, and hobo 1 is starting to feel a bit ill. Eventually he vomits everything he ate straight to the ground.
Then hobo 2 digs out a spoon from his pocket and starts eating the vomit saying "I knew that eventually I'd get a hot meal".
shugerbooger ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:42:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof!
MaxDoor ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:10:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it with the punchline "That dog'll bite you."
PedonculeDeGzor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:49:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knew it with "I can hold him for you"
uzifight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:52:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hahaha
Karmic_Indian_Yogi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:32 on July 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha. Wait. Ewwww.
Karmic_Indian_Yogi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:37 on July 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha. Wait. Ewwww.
stellar14 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐๐
ManMan36 ยท 1623 points ยท Posted at 21:41:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing, you canโt cross a vector and a scalar.
captain58 ยท 228 points ยท Posted at 22:44:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a mosquito a vector?
ManMan36 ยท 400 points ยท Posted at 22:49:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It transmits disease. A vector in biology is something that transfers disease.
captain58 ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 23:06:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you!
what_do_with_life ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:18:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome
iDirtyDianaX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:31 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL! Thanks
spartan250 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:51 on May 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Learnt this from the tv show Helix
t33m3r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:10 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk why? Wait... this is a joke right?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Diseases.
connectjim ยท 163 points ยท Posted at 23:16:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, excellent, a joke that requires knowledge of both math and biology. Thank you.
GodMonster ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 23:59:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do certain snakes only breed in the forest?
Adders need logs to multiply.
MrJAppleseed ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*laughs in biomedical engineering *
crowseldon ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:01:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So it fails a lot and doesn't meet the criteria of the thread.
NeptunesSon ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:08:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But there's three layers here, man. It's a triple pun. Comedic gold.
secretpandalord ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:40:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never fails as long as you exclusively frequent symposia.
beerdude26 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:03:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two roommates work in a laboratory outside of Hamilton, Ontario. Steve, a regular fellow, and Gork, a literal caveman. He puts on a button-down shirt and tie every day in an attempt to fit in, but he just canโt stop being a knuckle-dragging caveman (albeit in a lab coat).
After several years of working there, some of Gorkโs coworkers are talking during a coffee break. โGork strikes me as really weird,โ said one man, โHeโs been here at the lab for like 6 years, and he never really developed any manners. I figured he would be civilized by now.โ
Another coworker takes a sip of his coffee, thinks for a minute, and says, โWell, I suppose you really canโt expect him to evolve. He commutes with theย Hamiltonian.โ
fiveupfront ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
|mosquito| x |mountain climber| x the sine of the angle between them, surely.
baky12345 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You need to multiply by the unit normal vector to both the mosquito and the mountain climber.
fiveupfront ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well sure, but I thought that part was obvious. Iโve been sitting here with the right-hand rule at the ready since I posted. โบ๏ธ
Alpha3031 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The point is that mountain climbers are scalars, and scalar multiplication is the only operation defined for them.
Notossme ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:36:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You made me groan.
Take your upvote.
tomfoli ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:44:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Explain
ManMan36 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:02:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mosquito spreads disease. In biology, something that does that is known as a vector.
A mountain climber scales a mountain, so you could say that they are a scalar.
In mathematics, to cross means to take the cross product. The cross product takes two vectors as inputs and outputs another vector. It is not defined for scalars (run of the mill numbers). Hence the joke.
AJarOfAlmonds ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:30:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
Elephant banana sin theta.
anooblol ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:08:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also another fun math fact.
There is one group up to homomorphism.
rogert2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:44:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hold my beer.
Ulti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke upsets me.
jellyman93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trivial mosquito bundle on a mountain climber?
violinbzjc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's intellectual.
RealPutin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favorites. I love this, thank you
evinfletcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:11 on July 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a mountain climber a scalar?
zimflo ยท 24388 points ยท Posted at 22:53:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
shiner_bock ยท 351 points ยท Posted at 05:05:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a similar joke:
My wife left me the other day. Said I didn't listen to her. Or something like that.
nfmadprops04 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 14:59:06 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They make a joke like this in Dumb & Dumber! "She broke up with me. Gave me some crap about never listening to her. I don't know - I wasn't really paying attention."
--whoops-- ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:38:59 on May 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was sick of my wife complaining about my poor sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
Karmic_Indian_Yogi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:09:22 on July 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turns out she was left to be upset.
horbalorba ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:36:53 on June 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No, wait, she was just making tea.
Twelve20two ยท 1664 points ยท Posted at 03:47:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This feels like a Mitch Hedberg joke
firestoneaphone ยท 244 points ยท Posted at 03:54:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It is.
Seven_of_DS9 ยท 271 points ยท Posted at 05:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It used to be, too.
baladibt ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 10:03:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He used to do it, he'd still do, but he used to, too.
ShitPost5000 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:07:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But he still doesn't :(
ajmartin527 ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 05:18:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dufrane party of two
SuperWoody64 ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 05:46:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who can eat at a time like this?
Kalibos ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 07:07:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes!
petemitchell-33 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:24:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pants at a time like this?
Charleston09 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:35:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Belt or belt-loops? Who's the real hero?
petemitchell-33 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:24:57 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does toast always seem to have a top and bottom, even before buttering? Is it the toaster or the bread that dictates the top and bottom?
King_Buliwyf ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 06:42:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And they're hungry.
Twelve20two ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:59:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That makes sense. I like the highlight reel of his jokes that are often retold online, but I've never been able to get really into his stuff unfortunately
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 05:44:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always hated when his sets ended. Being all nervous as he was, it seemed like he would finally get going towards the end and relax and then they'd cut him off.
SuperWoody64 ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 05:47:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you guys want to see me after the show, I'll be...fucking surprised.
planethaley ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:27:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg. If he were still alive Iโd love to go see him!!
SuperWoody64 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 08:05:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh, he was supposed to perform here in Baltimore when he killed himself. I saw the Presidents of the United States of America the following night (same venue) and they did one of his jokes before every song.
planethaley ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:06:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man! So sad - but thatโs awesome they did that little tribute next night :)
LetYouDrown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know he committed suicide. Very sad.
Spearsy23 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:27:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He OD'd, not necessarily suicide.
LetYouDrown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh. Makes sense. I read somewhere he was pretty well known for taking pills people threw up onto the stage or something. Funny guy.
Pixel871 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:35:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if I remember correctly, it was a combination of cocaine and heroine that he died of
PassportSloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saw him and Dave Atell and Lewis Black in NYC in 2003 (had to look up the year). It was a fantastic show and he was the best part. :/
iandouglas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:10 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he was great, live, I saw one of his last shows in southern California.
scootter82 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:23:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He has a really good comedy Central special. Unfortunately, he really only had a few quality recordings of his sets.
inutero420 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:24:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
eat some mushrooms and try, try again
LaylasMahmy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:31:55 on August 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You Tube!
Twelve20two ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:00 on August 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, what are you doing going through 4 month old threads?
LaylasMahmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:53 on August 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm some kind of nut! Why are you here?
Twelve20two ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:24 on August 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because you responded to my old comment, lol
LaylasMahmy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:52 on August 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I comment on EXTREMELY old posts and say, "I'm from the future!"
LemmeSplainIt ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 06:34:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to as well.
LaylasMahmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:42 on August 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.โ
KingNewbie ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:44:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to eat rice because you can eat two thousand of something.
Fermorian ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 06:52:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rice is great when you're hungry and want two thousand of something.
probably-not-obama ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:32:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
hamfraigaar ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:11:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha... Alriiight
BlopBleepBloop ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:07:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's because it is
splitcroof92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:55:19 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why link to the comment you're replying too??
[deleted] ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 03:59:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one. It's short, but it isn't a simple play on words and works in any language.
TrepanationBy45 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:51:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before I say this on my trip, how will a non-English speaker know when to laugh?
dinosaurtorialist ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:17:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
replace "if you ask me," with "i think," and they'll get it.
zimflo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:05:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually translated this from dutch
julius_nicholson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the Dutch version?
zimflo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mijn pa zei laatst: "ben je uberhaupt aan het luisteren", wat een hele rare manier is om een gesprek te beginnen als je het mij vraagt
julius_nicholson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:49:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bedankt!
zimflo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:50:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Geen dank!!
GamingNomad ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:12:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"If you ask me" isn't a common phrase in every language like it is in English.
BlissnHilltopSentry ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 06:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's also a non-essential part of the joke. You could literally just cut it off the end of the joke and it still works the same.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:53:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why would that matter? The essential part is "are you listening to me," which is a question that every language has some version of.
Stevey854 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:42:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not all translations are literal
burnblue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the other languages have equivalent phrases
Avid_Smoker ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 03:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just not getting this one...
Jaerivus ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 03:34:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He wasn't listening to his dad until that question got his attention.
Ofcyouare ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 07:31:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, I thought his dad was just fucking with him.
[deleted] ยท -30 points ยท Posted at 05:00:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
misanthpope ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 05:02:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of jokes are about a character being unaware of his faults
kuhanluke ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:01:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because he thought it was the start of the conversation, but the dad had started the conversation earlier, but he wasn't listening
StupidQuestionAskers ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:54:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It can be possible that you don't entirely get the joke. The joke is how dumb the son is. If someone says, "Are you even listening to me?" and that's the first thing you hear, you would obviously assume they said something beforehand that you weren't paying attention to. The son in this joke is too dumb to realize that and they actually think the dad began the conversation with, "Are you even listening to me?".
proceedtoparty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:10:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Perfect explanation
powerslave118 ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 05:40:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aside from being a witty play on words, i don't really get the appeal for it either.
bluefinger321 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:21:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
where.
MissedYourJoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:18:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me either.
Mookest ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It think it should go something more like. "My wife left me the other day. She said something about me not listening... I don't know, I wasn't paying attention."
terjerox ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:42:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He said that I was the abomination of Obama's nation
HellbentOrchid ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:41:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!redditsilver
BigBoysDoCry23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:42:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I took about 30 seconds to get after actually taking it literal, but thatโs what a tiny brain does to ya.
12welf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:14:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i'm sooo going to use this later :)
zimflo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank me later then ;P
conalfisher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:24 on August 1, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"It's times like this where I really wish I had listened to what my mother told me when I was younger"
"What'd she say?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
silly_gaijin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:52:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mom starts conversations like that all the time. Can't figure it out! Woman needs to be less grumpy, too . . .
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:04:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also works with wife or boss.
olpdragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:22:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive always only heard this as a my wife said this kinda thing. Huh, interesting.
John_Dee_007 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like in most cases "wife" would work better than "dad".
zimflo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, i thought so right after posting, but apparently this works aswell
zimflo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow who wouldve thought this would be my top comment, thanks for all the upvotes
anon16r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:24:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Life is like that you never know what works what doesn't! You just do it.
Faustias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this works for couples too.
ButItMightJustWork ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:31:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
okay, wow. Thats the first one I heard from my sister (off of Instagram) before reading it on Reddit. :/
kenrawr7666 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:44:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:/
I-tells-jokes ยท 2329 points ยท Posted at 22:04:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. ย When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties andย thongs." ย The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay. ย Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." ย Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. ย When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. ย The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." ย "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic onย the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
blindedbeast ยท 148 points ยท Posted at 03:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my go-to jokes!! Here's another (a warning that it's probably best not to tell it unless you're a newfie too):
A Newfoundlander is on a plane on his way to take a little trip by himself to Ontario. He sits down and starts making small talk with the man sitting next to him, and soon enough asks his seatmate "what do you do for a living?" His seatmate says, "I'm a psychoanalyst." The newfie asks, "what's that?" and his new friend replies, "it's kind of hard to explain, let me give you an example: do you like have a fishtank at home?" "Sure do," says the newfie. "And I bet cause you like fish you must like boating." The newfie nods his head yes. "Well if you like boating I daresay you like swimming." "I do indeed," says the newfie. "Well then," says his friend, "I suppose you like going to the beach to do that." The newfie nods again. "And I guess if you like going to the beach you probably enjoy looking at women in their bathing suits. "Damn right!" says the newfie. "Well there you go," says his seatmate, "using just a tiny bit of information I've learned so much about you." The newfie finds this pretty neat and the two men resume their smalltalk all the way to Ontario. A week later, the newfie's on another flight on his way home, sits down next to a feller on the plane, and starts making small talk. "What do you do for a living?" his seatmate asks him. Not wanting to admit that he's on EI and left the province, the newfie says, "well I'm a psychoanalyst." "What's that?" asks his new friend. "It's a bit tough to explain, so I'll give you an example," says the newfie. "Do you have a fishtank?" "No," says his seatmate. "Jesus by what are ya, some kind of queer?"
LordGwyn-n-Tonic ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 04:02:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use a Cajun version of that joke whenever I come out to people.
FizzBuzzBanana ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:56:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the Cajun version?
LordGwyn-n-Tonic ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:39:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just replace "the newfie" with Boudreaux and "the seatmate" with Pierre. And usually they're at a bar. And you say the Cajuns' lines with an accent.
BardsApprentice ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:43:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please explain it for the rest of us.
AJreborn ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 06:54:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other man doesn't have a fishtank, so clearly, he must not enjoy boating, swimming, visiting the beach, or ogling pretty ladies in their bathing suit. Therefore, queer.
BardsApprentice ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:58:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh duh I get it. I got confused about who was who. Good joke though!
SixSpeedDriver ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:55:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The implication is that his seatmate is gay, since he doesn't have fishtank and all the things that connected his fishtank to liking women.
Also, newfies are stupid.
robophile-ta ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:10:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have heard a different version of this joke which is not a newfie joke.
The psychoanalyst determines that since the guy has a fishtank, he is well off. He has a big family, a nice house, and an active sex life. The guy goes out to his friend and says 'Do you have a fish tank?' 'No' 'Then you're a wanker'
PM_ME_UR_OBSIDIAN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:14 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Illustrated (only worth it for the punchline)
joebearyuh ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 11:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mick is holed up in his living room as hes broken both of his legs, so he decided to invite paddy over for company. When paddy gets there mick asks him if he could go upstairs to his bedroom and grab his slippers. In the bedroom paddy finds micks two gorgeous daughters sitting on the bed. He says to them, "your dads sent me up here to fuck the both of you". Disgusted the girls call him a liar saying their dad wouldnt do that. "Watch this", says paddy and he shouts downstairs; "mick, both of them or just the one?"
"Both of them, whats the point in fucking one?" Mick replies.
jenk182 ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 01:49:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fuckin' newf jokes are near and dear to my heart, sure
nexxdexx ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:40:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jumpin Jesus, I thinks I found me new go-to joke, thanks buddy !
JTsince1980 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:41:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I know Paddy is a turf cutter, Mick is a Pilot. And the punchline is "Aye, but he can't pile it until I've cut it."
trifle_truffle ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I admit took me it took me a while to get it. "These will fit her."
nexxdexx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:41:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Put that one on r/newfoundland too
queever ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:58:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read this to my husband. And we started crying laughing. Thank you, kind stranger. Iโm fucking stealing this shit.
swoohoo79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Magnificent
alfalfasprouts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just read this in AvE's voice.
Zoefschildpad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:01:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought for sure Mick was doing unskilled work with Diesel brand clothes...
freakypeace11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this but it involved a factory that only hired people with a hair lip.
iDirtyDianaX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:01 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL! Love it!
cjbeatsss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:29 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I could give you gold I would ๐๐
balthemel ยท 9930 points ยท Posted at 00:38:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"People tell me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people."
AlCrawtheKid ยท 748 points ยท Posted at 04:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
avantgardengnome ยท 250 points ยท Posted at 05:11:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking past a prison the other day, and I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.
I thought to myself, โnow thatโs a little con descending.โ
Hates_escalators ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 06:20:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison? They're a small medium at large...
fartonme ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:16:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to never fail joke. Except mine goes "the papers called him a small medium at large"
DoneDigging ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:21:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke works better if you add in the line: "I asked him if he needed help and he turned up his nose at me. I said that's a little condescending."
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:58:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like adding in that line takes away from the double-meaning of the phrase and puts the focus back on the normal definition.
For me, when I read the original comment I have a nicer reaction to the pun
PatrickMcWhorter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:28:22 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Difference between a clever dwarf and venereal disease?
One's a cunning runt...
Spazstick ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 07:26:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/WordAvalanches
Dafman ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 08:55:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Related 'condescending' post, I don't think anything will top this one in my opinion
olpdragon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:21:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK. DAAAYYUUUUMMMMM. That is my go to joke. I must memorize it all.
shigglesmcwhigley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my reputation precedes me
philov ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Give me a minute, I'll be right back.
IsaacSanFran ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you haven't seen it yet, /r/WordAvalanches is a nice community for these shenanigans.
L00minarty ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 06:34:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People tell me I always contradict them, but that's not true.
midnightketoker ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:30:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People say I'm a contradictarian but they're always wrong
loafers_glory ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 06:14:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That joke is pretty self-explanatory.
(That means it explains itself)
MAcFuzion ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 06:54:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't mean to denigrate anyone who listens to country music. If you listen to country music denigrate means talk down to. -Bob Newhart
Graybealz ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 03:06:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another variant.
I found a new way to be condescending to people. what's that? Oh it means to talk down to someone.
BadBillington ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 04:54:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if they say โHow?โ
dave-martin ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 05:01:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bamboozled.
Bamboozlerino ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 05:11:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got em
Captmurph ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:58:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
Bezere ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 05:12:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"God, you're such a fucking idiot"
BadBillington ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:13:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nicely done.
lamp333 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:21:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You wouldn't understand."
SirCoolJerk69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โFriedโ
senshisun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:46:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Talking down to people."
TheGentlemanK ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 10:11:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โPeople call me patronizing, but I donโt expect you to understand what that means.โ
groung ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:49:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. Can someone explain?
smithp016 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:30:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He is explaining the definition to the person, as if they don't know, AKA being condescending.
die_mensch_maschine ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:52:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Antharres ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:03:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love that song
chiddybang_yobeach ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:14:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in the middle of job applications, and this has given me an ungodly urge.
simoncherian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:34:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the mansplaining joke from Silicon Valley
382wsa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the joke?
simoncherian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:32 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here
The show is pretty good.
beizhia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:55:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is solid. I'm stealing it, thanks.
subarctic_guy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:47:58 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried it on my brother and got a silent death stare for a good 20 seconds before I cracked and he realized I was fucking with him. He was really fighting back some real rage there, lol.
blue20whale ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:46:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it from Jimmy carr
Steffnov ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if he came up with it (kinda doubt it), but I know I've seen this joke in one of his shows
fs05 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:22:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Puscifer
shiggydiggy77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You happen to live in LA and listen to klos? Sounds pretty familiar there.
Infektus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:15:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard a similar one.
"If I weren't so arrogant, I'd be perfect"
Chanceifer0666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:44:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm gonna use this when I meet my new team tomorrow
Croatian_ghost_kid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I be Jimmy Carr, thank you very much.
beezofaneditor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect.
stonecharioteer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Even better when some people don't get it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:10:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha haha haha,
I don't get it.
Richeyjr ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 09:25:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haHAA you normies never cease to amaze me.
mrfreddy7 ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 07:48:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it means you talk to down people.
[deleted] ยท 5261 points ยท Posted at 23:37:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
hydrosalad ยท 1592 points ยท Posted at 06:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "I've lost my calculator."
Wife: "Thereโs one on your phone, or just open an excel sheet on the computer."
Me: โI have nothing to add..โ
Wife: โHuh?โ
skinnyguy699 ยท 440 points ยท Posted at 07:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turns into an argument.
RedRidingHuszar ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 10:52:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Divorce and lawsuit
Phorcyss ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 12:51:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And just like that, she got the house and the dog.
Candyvanmanstan ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:00:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a joke.
RampantPrototyping ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:34:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everybody laughs
KassellTheArgonian ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:31:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Until I put a gun in my mouth
Hellaimportantsnitch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:00:02 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...haha
MagnatausIzunia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:07:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist: and the calculator
fluidk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:43:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which the husband will never win.
andrewtbarber ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:31:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Have you seen my new buttfer? Wife: I've never heard of such a thing. Me: Dammit.
inahst ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:49:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you need to preface it as a joke
KeimaKatsuragi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:58:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you have a computer and windows, hit the keyboard's windows key, type in "calc" as the menu is showing up, press enter, Calculator starts. Opening Excelt is more work.
Serendiplodocus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:34:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It could probably be improved to
"I deleted the calculator app on my phone."
"..."
"I have nothing to add"
InformalDrummer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:26:26 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a subreddit for this sort of expectation vs reality of trying to tell a joke in real life. I need one in my life
XSoldat13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Michael Scott?
OSUfan88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Potato?? Never heard of it.
__Corvus__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:21:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/meirl
NotOBAMAThrowaway ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 04:21:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok then, Calc-u-later
By Ben
MayorBee ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:31:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ted! Get in here!
marshy0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:44:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say it to Ted when he comes in
xandercrash01 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:54:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats your definition of never fail..?
seattlenerdboy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:59:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
60 percent of the time, every time.
xandercrash01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works for me
Lt_Toodles ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wat, you want em to laugh or something?
Jeez man, people with high standards these days...
xandercrash01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The heart wants what the heart wants
atoms_matter ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:27:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They just count on you for funny times, it shouldn't cause a divide.
shadybusinessgoat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:00:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
60 percent of the time it works every time
PurelyApplied ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:09:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three logicians enter a bar. The bartender says "Welcome. You three want something to drink?"
The first one says "I don't know."
The second one says "I don't know."
The third one says "Yes!"
pizzabagel2468 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:38:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As an engineer this joke is a god-send
JakubSwitalski ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:43:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can always count on it.
DROGOSthedragon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:33:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You sound like a Bluth.
lacelamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve made a huge mistake.
InfiniteIsness ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wholesome. Love it.
MrDarcyRides ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why would you even need a calculator then?
BeloKure ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:03:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They would just ask something like "where did you last see it?"
CastingCough ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:06:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never get an "and". I get an "oh" because noone at work cares :(
BillyPup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... and?
Lewon_S ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if they say 'do you want some help finding it?'
Parapolikala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:55:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never fail to get a punch in the arm.
Go forth and multiply!
Gregitt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works better if you turn it into a narrative. Unless you have somebody with you who understands the structure of the joke, this would just end up being a random piece of conversation.
wellman_va ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:42:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
60 percent of the time it works every time
Iguy_Poljus ยท 3886 points ยท Posted at 22:04:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I arranged a threesome on the weekend.
Had two no shows, but I still had fun
boinzy ยท 2994 points ยท Posted at 00:12:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A threesome? If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, Iโd have dinner with my parents.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 20:23:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dinner with my parents? If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have a threesome.
sveinsh ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:44:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't this a Woody Allen joke?
PM_MOI_TA_PHILO ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it is :)
masheduppotato ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:32:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you've broken your arms, you can disappoint your mom more than once that night...
Charlie_Olliver ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:30:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been giggling at pretty much all the jokes on here, but for some reason your comment caught me completely off-guard, and I am literally in tears and have been laughing for the last three minutes. Damn, but it's hard to type when you're gasping for air and can't see the screen through your tears.
Friend, if I could, I'd give you gold, because you made my fucking night. (Edit: the best I can do is !RedditSilver)
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:29:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FIFY
Cazberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was a stand-up joke, I think. I just can't remember who it was.
Edit: I even tried Googling it, maybe Will Ferrell? Something I watch a lot has this joke in it and it's really bothering me that I can't remember.
railmaniac ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:34:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A threesome? I'll have it with my parents.
spartacus2690 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If iwanted to disappoint two people at once, i would have a threesome with your parents
WhyUFuckinLyin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:05 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like George Constanza
quality_inspector_13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought Rodney Dangerfield was dead
snoebro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:49:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd bang my mom and wife at the same time.
SmellsLikeNostrils ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:23 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This D is unacceptable.
MoralltachtheHero ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 23:41:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Danny Sexbang in the background "Orgy for o~ne!"
NeoMegaRyuMKII ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:50:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My exact thought.
petscii ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:26:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
mรฉnage ร un!
GloriousDP ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:26:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's all alone and tugging on his plums.
KCNelson ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 23:37:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steve wasn't invited because he was a guy.
ThePhyrexian ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:06:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Insert sick bass riff
whenYoureOutOfIdeas ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:44:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You had an Orgy for One
GodMonster ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:51:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ol' menage a un, eh?
Mein_Tarnaccount ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:02:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where everyone knows exactly what you like
NibbaDasGay ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:05:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend and I had a threeso last night. It's just like a threesome but without me.
hydropottimus ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:22:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turned a threesome into a handsome
mitch13815 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:40:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We call this an "orgy for one"
tekhnomancer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:05:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I say "a couple of no shows." Same thing but makes folks think for about a second longer.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:19:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
itsgreekpete ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:08:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like had two no shows, but I still came.
Lorioch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:57:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I arranged a threesome on the weekend, but nobody came.
fat_buffalo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:44:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sex between 3 people is called a threesome, that's why people call me handsome
BroccoliManChild ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:00:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I arranged an orgy for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop. Nobody came.
BenStollen87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I almost had a foursome last night. Just needed 3 more people
willd821 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet no-one was disappointed haha
coryjdees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lolololol
Thetrufflehunter ยท 132 points ยท Posted at 23:54:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know Orion's belt? Waist of space.
I know, I know, not a very good joke...
Three stars.
Unbeatabletrash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:50:16 on July 1, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a different one:
A man started tying watches to his belt, until he realised it was a waist of time
jackhackery ยท 7460 points ยท Posted at 20:13:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They're always taking things literally.
lordmycal ยท 1518 points ยท Posted at 01:08:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm stealing this.
-JWS- ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 02:38:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So many layers to this comment
hvperRL ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Orges have layers
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ya mean like a uhnyin?
R-Guile ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:39:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This comment has 16x as many layers, if we're doing a book fold.
Hidesuru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's like... Two.
eggtron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3d in 4d
jman425 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:36:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck you. Take your damn upvote
YerrytheYanitor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Put it back!
_girlsondrugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:01:54 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
U klepto u
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:40:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Easy come, easy go.
NULLizm ยท 230 points ยท Posted at 22:33:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is great because you can find out which of your friends are kleptos since they won't be laughing.
veils1de ยท 85 points ยท Posted at 23:40:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or if you're an uneducated baffoon like me, just be confused because i don't know what a kleptomaniac is
Throwawayjust_incase ยท 114 points ยท Posted at 23:57:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People who compulsively steal things.
They take things. Literally.
BlissnHilltopSentry ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:58:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know it because of the sims.
Shawn_Spenstar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:55:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this is the case 9 times out of 10. And just remember your not uneducated because you don't know big words, it's not how many words you know it's how you use them!
Extesht ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:47:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're*
How about smaller words?
tamarask ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Winona Rider
gkkiller ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:06:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They tend to take things the wrong way.
notrightnow98 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:15:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/LifeProTips
UknightThePeople ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:26:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a kid in my home room in high school that ended up on Dr. Phil for being a klepto. We always wondered why he gave out bags of gummy worms every day
paulohare ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:38:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been a kleptomaniac for a few years now, doctors say I might have to start taking something for it.
gratua ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:51:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was pretty good. I'm gonna get it tattooed on my arm
yoshi314 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:00:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a girl kleptomaniac is a real keeper.
i just made that one up.
pngpng32 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No. A girl kleptomaniac is a steal.
yoshi314 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:33:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so, what about guy kleptomaniac?
Mathev ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:52:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He'll steal your heart.
dylantrevor ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:50:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta be honest this is either really weak or Its leagues above me.
Badvertisement ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:19:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
streets ahead
dylantrevor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you don't know what streets ahead means then you're streets behind, Jeff
HarrysDa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:25:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A girl kleptomanaic is definitely more of a taker than a giver
HonestAvocado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hehehe, good one!
wtvfck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is so good!!
eatonsht ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:15:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to reddit
swentech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:09 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Facebook here I come!
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 23:59:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Jack_of_Lumber ยท 1351 points ยท Posted at 22:23:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So two cows are talking in a field, The first cow says "hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that is going around?" The second cow says "Im sure glad it doesnt effect us helicopters."
thtguywitduface ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 03:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been reading these for 15 minutes and this one was the first to make me laugh out loud
gutmiko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:20:55 on May 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I second that
AlphaQUp_Bish ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 13:46:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are standing in the a field. First cow says, "Moo".
Second cow says, "Dang it. I was just about to say that".
PNastyX1937 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:17:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it.
tomhas10 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 08:47:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Mad" cow disease. Mad meaning crazy.
stacyburns88 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:08:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...I still don't get it D;
tomhas10 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:58:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The cow thinks he's a helicopter because he has "mad" cow disease.
SulemanC ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:57:15 on April 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao. I didn't get it until this comment either. Thanks man ๐
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:43:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three cows are in the field. One cow says "Moo." Second cow says, "Moo moo.". Third cow says, " Moo moo moo." The second cow says to the first cow, "Hey, let's get out of here. That cow talks too much."
wargasm40k ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:49:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old bull and a young bull were standing up on a hill overlooking their herd. The young bull says "Let's run down there and fuck some of them cows.". The old bull shakes his head and replies "Naw, let's walk down there and fuck em all."
MorayCup ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:33:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
affect should be used here not effect.
faithle55 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:42:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why should I be? I'm a duck."
Stooby2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:54:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I know has the punchline :-
"yes I've heard of it, but it doesn't bother me"
The first cow asks "why"
"Because I am a slice of cheese".
LittleEnvy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:18:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Rabbyk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:58:19 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely not the original source of that joke. ๐
TerminallyCuriousCat ยท 638 points ยท Posted at 01:31:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns go driving between convents.
They're driving through the country when a vampire jumps onto the hood.
The passenger nun says "Quick! Show him your cross!"
The other nun says "Get the FUCK off my car!"
ggarner57 ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 15:54:26 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are riding a bicycle to the market. They take a shortcut. The first nun says "I've never come this way before!" The other nun replied "It's probably the cobblestones"
Rainsorrow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:27:36 on September 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit my sides! :D
Papazander ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 04:59:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is underrated.
micmac_paddywhack ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:30:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre underrated.
Heh, yeah. Got โem
Foxxya ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:17:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, can i get a explanation?
superbabe69 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 11:05:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Show him youโre cross. Cross can mean angry.
Ham-Man994 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:26:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha my mum used to tell me this joke. It's a classic.
youpept ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:27:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this to a non native?
chupagatos ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 13:10:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nuns carry crosses around their necks and crosses deter vampires. โTo be crossโ is also a verb that means โto be angryโ. The nun is showing the vampire sheโs angry by swearing at him.
youpept ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:24:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. It's only the last part I didn't get.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:09:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
also, your/you're
Picklethik ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:30:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna be that sad guy who didn't get it.
Beardy_Foxbear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:41:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first new joke I've come across in the thread and its a good un
sketrea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:59:38 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, I've been in tears over this one for the last 5 mins
InSilicoRW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:04:00 on May 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank fuck its not just me, sat here howling right now.
APleasantLumberjack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:39:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad tells this but with a several minute buildup setting the scene. It's great.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:14:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
sch1z0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:18:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
_idontwearhats_ ยท 11913 points ยท Posted at 22:33:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.
amateur_simian ยท 1582 points ยท Posted at 00:56:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A glass of red wine after dinner increases the chance of a stroke by 20%. Even more, if she drinks the whole bottle.
alt-fact-checker ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 04:23:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This checks out
Definitely_Working ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 13:11:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
think it works better if you end it as "if she drinks the whole bottle she'll probly suck it". otherwise theres really no joke twist its just a double meaning. thats the version i heard atleast
amateur_simian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed.
MrHandagoat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard salt helps...
Decallion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:01:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/theydidthemath
Artikunu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:58:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only one to make me chuckle at the device in my hand
Blue2501 ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 03:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it like this:
The first old maid, she had a stroke right there and then. The second old maid, she had a stroke too! Then the third old maid, she looked over at the first two and said, "You girls are disgusting!"
gojaejin ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 04:46:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While we're on versions of this pun:
Turns out Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack as originally believed. It's been reported that hospital employees found him in the children's ward having a stroke.
-Thomas_Jefferson- ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:59:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard he had a heart attack when he heard that childrens pants were 50% off at walmart
Rabbyk ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 05:08:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As long as we're doing tasteless Michael Jackson jokes:
Q: Why does Micheal Jackson like 28 year-olds so much?
A: There's twenty of them
Zaephou ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:50:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't it be better if you spelled out "twenty eight"?
Rabbyk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:48:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would be best to tell it in person, tbh. Doesn't translate too well to text.
TeeMartoonis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:22 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When was it time to go to bed at Neverland?
When the big hand hand was on the little hand.
munky82 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:13:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man goes around the old age home asking people to guess his age. One lady says she can do that but she needs to put her hands in his pants. He reluctantly agrees. So she digs and fiddle in his crotch for a while. "83" she says. "How did you know that?" he asked. She replies, "You told me yesterday"
dhb44 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:23:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
god damn that is gold.
ethium0x ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:21:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day!
dhb44 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:28:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you! I didnโt even realize until I saw the cake by name yesterday. Good stuff.
wolfgeist ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:47:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The right corner of my mouth raised about a quarter inch.
tyrsbjorn ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:39:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But I have no idea how they got in there.
llocspil ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:32:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it was only 2 old ladies.
One had a stroke but the other was too slow
Or alternatively
One had a stroke but the other had 3 or 4
GlicketySplit ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:44:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The third has arthritis.
cloudsaresolids ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:53:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
did you mean: arthur write this?
edit: damn tough crowd
cippalippa4 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:58:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, my nameโs not Arthur...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But you may the author
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why would Arthur write that?
senorfresco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Booo
Steampunkery ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:08:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it with nuns on r/jokes
B1naryBeard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to right here.
StandardizedObject ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my go-tos
Former_Baron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hold up! EEEYYY
LlamaThrust666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:44:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my mother that one, she didn't appreciate it.
mrembo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a little drunk but I feel like I'm missing the punch line here omg
MiniBroccoli ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:36:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ladies are stroking his dick, but the third one has a short arm and can't reach his dick
misstristin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:53:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre the real hero - the person who โsplains the hard stuff ;)
KushDingies ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:00:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"The hard stuff" ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
mrembo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:28:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhh "have a stroke" lmao
SchericT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three women at a male strip club. They go and admire a dancer. One lady takes out a 5, licks it, and places it on the guys left butt cheek. Not to be outdone, the second lady takes out a 5, licks it, and places it on the guys right cheek. The first two women look to the third. She sighs, pulls out her credit card, swipes the crack, and leaves with the 15$.
Cavemahn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:28 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three nuns sitting in a park bench.
A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
The first one has a starts choking.
The second one had a stroke.
The third one just couldnโt reach.
t33m3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:57 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know an old man who had consecutive strokes after the motor on his boat died.
stink3rbelle ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is the kind of joke that makes dudes think the unsolicited dick pick is a good idea . . .
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 4135 points ยท Posted at 22:47:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
kalabash ยท 613 points ยท Posted at 00:32:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The entire thread. This is the one that brought tears to my eyes. Genius.
Anyna-Meatall ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 03:52:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed for five minutes straight first time I read this joke
beethrownaway ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:44:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I can laugh at things like that
Anyna-Meatall ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:40:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was a rare event for me, that joke is special.
NolanHarlow ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 04:35:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man I love this joke. It's so hard to tell though. Because I absolutely lose my shit before the punch line.
Xechwill ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:22:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you mind explaining it? I laughed because of the ridiculousness of it, but is there something more to it that I don't get?
amaniceguy ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 05:29:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
because there is no punch line. the guy just fuck up. we all just thought he got a clever plan or something.
Xechwill ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:38:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh so it's really about the delivery then, gotcha.
Still made me laugh
NolanHarlow ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 06:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the expectation. The listener is hearing it going 'what the fuck is this guy's brilliant plan? I can't think of anything....' then... Nothing. And the absence of a brilliant plan is what makes it so funny & ridiculous
nsfwmodeme ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:38:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same.
Urdus ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:57:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well happy cake day then.
nsfwmodeme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks!
ContraMann ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:58:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep this one finally did me in.
__i0__ ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:57:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm fucking dying. Every time I read this i just laugh harder. it's such a great visual.
It's the "Third guy smiles triumphantly and says". Like so far he's very confident about his choices.
7in7 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:02:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been laugh crying for the last 7 minutes
NSFWIssue ยท 712 points ยท Posted at 00:49:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite part of the joke is how nobody ever acknowledges his fuck up while he's making these stupid wishes
Baggabones88 ยท 496 points ยท Posted at 03:11:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because we're thinking it's going to somehow play into the punchline.
Roxxorursoxxors ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 11:44:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And we're correct.
JerHat ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 07:17:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite, besides the end, is the โyes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.โ
BannerdTV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was in tears half way through the ending was less funny
Sarcastic_or_realist ยท 298 points ยท Posted at 00:14:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Norm MacDonald's delivery of this joke gets me every time.
stevoknievo ยท 204 points ยท Posted at 00:39:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Norm MacDonalds moth joke is still a classic to me. Breaks me every time.
https://youtu.be/eE6QzDrT_x8
jbeelzebub ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:57:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg that was hilarious
PM_ME_COCKTAILS ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 09:36:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What killed me was:
"Norm?"
"What?"
As if he has no idea why everybody's laughing.
Alaskanpipelayer ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:15:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was perfect
bulleitprooftiger ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:22:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't I read this exact same conversation a week or two ago? Right down to the same link?
DuffMcLargeHuge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:03 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
bosny ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:50:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where can I find this??
hippydipster ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:19:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't even get it and I'm laughing hysterically.
Sihnar ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 07:17:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punchline is that there is no punchline. You're expecting the third guy to have some crazy plan. Turns out, he's just an idiot.
Dudelyllama ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:31:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont think i heard this one of his. Fucking funny though.
rogert2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:32:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LINK?
Banana_Ranger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:14:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a norm MacDonald joke? Ahh o see it now.
daneguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:14:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please, let me hear him tell this joke
Sihnar ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:19:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Link?
JerHat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thinking of that just made it a whole lot funnier.
greenh9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:15 on June 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
By any chance can anyone tell me where I could find norm McDonald's telling of this joke
Mean_Mister_Mustard ยท 87 points ยท Posted at 02:02:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like how, in every retelling of the joke I see, the first guy's original bank account balance is $3.50.
xpurshtie ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 02:32:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because first dude is the Loch Ness monster
sushi_cw ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 00:34:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The key is, at the end, you act out guy #3 complete with wild arm flailing and head bobbing.
Jodje ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 01:49:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arranged for ease in reading.
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up.โ
bucketofno ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:07:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man. Thereโs so many good ones but this one made me cry with laughter.
unrequitedlove58 ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 01:27:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This just had me laughing and CRYING for a solid 3 minutes. I think this is the funniest joke I've ever read. Thank you.
PanamaCharlie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:05:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my stomach hurts. i haven't laughed this hard in a really long time.
boogieboogie ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 00:26:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel dumb but I donโt get it.
Clowntown_Burner ยท 169 points ยท Posted at 00:53:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The idea is that you'd expect the third guy to have some sort of plan with his wishes, and the punchline would be finding out what his plan was. Instead, it turns out he's just an idiot who chose his wishes poorly.
nsfwmodeme ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:42:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where the fuck is that site with a list of explained jokes? Saw it back in 1995 or 96, and it was great.
HotPringleInYourArea ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:23:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was 40 years ago
crashonthebeat ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:44:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
endofsavingprivateryan.gif
nsfwmodeme ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
23 or 22, but who counts?
MrHall ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 10:34:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love how he thinks he might have fucked up.. like, sometime soon, all this arm flailing and nodding might pay off but he's starting to wonder..
boogieboogie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you.
OSUBonanza ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 00:43:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found the 3rd guy
Robotic_Pedant ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 01:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your expecting some kind of clever twist that explains why he's making these seemingly stupid decisions. Instead you get exactly what it seems.
boogieboogie ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:10:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aha! Thanks. I kinda thought that but it wasnโt that funny so thought I mightโve missed something. Also, anyone helpfully explaining things to me gets a pass on any grammatical errors.
Zaldrizes ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 03:21:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're*
Robotic_Pedant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:23:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well aren't we feeling pedantic today.
Zaldrizes ยท -23 points ยท Posted at 03:37:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, just baffles me people don't understand the difference when they are older than 12.
Robotic_Pedant ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:41:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a matter of understanding so much as the fact that swyping on my autocorrected it, and I don't care enough to take the time to proof read a Reddit comment.
HotPringleInYourArea ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:24:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happens to me all the Rome
bitterberries ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:51:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're ducking hilarious
gamestrickster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:32:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol
GodMonster ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 00:05:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favorites, along with the big orange head joke.
RainHaven ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:03:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No one EVER laughs when I tell the big orange head one, and it's one of my favorite jokes of all time!!!
dragodude1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:13:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is that?
GodMonster ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 01:16:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Big Orange Head Joke
jpterodactyl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:06:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the moth joke?
It's pretty similar.
GodMonster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love the moth joke. I especially love the way Norm tells it.
CokeCanNinja ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:35:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those jokes that I read entirely every time I see it, even though I know the ending. It's just to damn funny.
jdose92 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:55:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just laughed myself to tears reading this, then I had to explain myself to my wife sitting across the couch from me, who then asked for me to read her the joke. It took about 10 minutes for me to get through it because I kept breaking every time I read the third guyโs wishes since I knew the punchline.
10/10 best joke Iโve ever come across.
ChuckCarmichael ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 10:16:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"
So the man told his story.
"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
akimboslices ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:28:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so much at this. Thereโs a guy I know who makes it his mission to not laugh at any joke I tell him. I think this one will break him.
MagicToast42 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:11:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And did it? I need answers. :P
akimboslices ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:16:01 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It most certainly did! I got a nose exhale and a titter. Iโm calling it.
MagicToast42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:42:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It is a never-fail joke, after all.
harry_balsagne ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:17:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is the first one I actually laughed out loud to, and I'm 3/4 of the way down the page.
Xiionn ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:31:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was looking for this one. Thanks!
merlin242 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:32:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke and my fiends just stared at me and walked away.
Edit: Friends
MetalIzanagi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You did well!
jonnyseg ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:16:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To say that this is the funniest shit on reddit would be an exaggeration, but not much of one
splitframe ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:13:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you flail one arm counter clockwise and the other clockwise from your point of view. Both are going in the same direction.
weavedawg74 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:47:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately, I tested this and it in fact true.
AlwaysHopelesslyLost ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Robot arena taught me that almost two decades ago lol
DerekB52 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:20:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I saw the balance ended in 3.50 I had to read ahead to make sure there wasn't a loch ness monster up in this bitch.
IrriversibleRubbish ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:53:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This killed me before i even finished reading
steinenhoot ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:31:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this on a similar askreddit thread about a year ago and laughed so hard I thought I was going to die. I wanted to tell it to everyone, but knew I wouldnโt get halfway through without busting up and ruining it, so I practiced it. The joke itself isnโt as funny to me anymore, but the reactions I get when I tell it are fucking hilarious.
joebearyuh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:17:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thats like me with my famously told "dave joke". First time i heard it was the funniest joke id ever heard. But now ive practised it, retold it and perfected it over the years its no longer funny to me.
Whenever i meet my sisters friends though she always insists that i tell the dave joke.
TisteSimeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:32 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I've heard the Dave joke!
TisteSimeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:39 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I've heard the Dave joke!
TisteSimeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:15 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I've heard the Dave joke!
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:58 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the beauty of it, you enjoy other folks first reaction ๐
Navinrjon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:33:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This wins.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:40:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ehrwien ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 00:47:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the expectation that builds up in the audience, everybody thinks he's got some elaborate plan how that could benefit him, but in the end, all those expectations are just shattered because he was just a dumb fuck, and in this way it's a damn fine punch line for a joke.
DissimilarMetals ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:21:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite on here
Stillcant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:11:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I canโt stop laughing
JerHat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:14:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs 3 am, Iโm in bed and canโt sleep, and I just woke my girlfriend up because this was the first joke that actually made me laugh out loud. Thank you.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:13 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's definitely a joke that catches you My brother sent me it, I was in work, did the same, laughed uncontrollably !
Kecki92 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:20:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this joke about 10 years ago, loves it and forgot about it.
At the moment I read first wish flailing his arms I started violently laughing in the middle of the subway. Doesn't matter.
Thanks for reminding me!
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:36 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's defo one of those jokes, it hits you square on the chin or misses you completely
Maver1ckZer0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:47:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A co-worker told me this but added in the animations for the third guy. It was so stupid, yet hilarious, I would burst out laughing for weeks every time I would think about it.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:37 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazin !!
bang__your__head ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:04:50 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I canโt begin to tell you the joy this joke has brought to me since you posted it. I read it to my husband, we died. Ever since, we keep finding situation where โguys I think I fucked upโ fits perfectly.
Thank you
__i0__ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:08 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want you to know that 5 days later and this joke is still just killing me. I'm terrible at telling jokes and this is my wife's by far because - The joke is ridiculous - I'm ridiculous with my arms waving around and my head bobbing like crazy. - I can't get through it without laughing hysterically - I tell the joke wrong but meander to the end.
Anyway, thanks
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:29 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's brilliant !!! ๐คฃ๐คฃ
__i0__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:20 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this joke often and fuck it up almost every time.
I've learned that I am terrible at telling jokes but people roll with it because I'm so excited
userbelowisamonster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:47:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This will always make me bust out in a deep resounding belly laugh until my sides hurt and I canโt breathe!!!!
Captain_Nerdrage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel so bamboozled
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:06:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tried telling this to my mom and it took me 5 minutes cause I kept laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn't stand and I was drooling...thank you for that
EntireBlair ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:57:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this joke so much but have sadly been striking out with it at work. It is literally one of my favorites... And I will keep telling it to anybody who will listen!
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:25:13 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've posted it before, some folk love it, some don't Be boring otherwise Good to know you're on my wavelength when it comes to jokes ๐
tastetherainbowmoth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:16:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the first time i heard this one i couldnโt stop laughing. source: am still laughing
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:18 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐
kleintotz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:30:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OMG I have to log in my reddit to upvote you. I bursted in laughter when I read "Guys, I think I fucked up." god ! my boss is at my side I can't stop laughing! ahahahah!
JamJarre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:33:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is still my absolute all time favourite joke
AKL_wino ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:11:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Outstanding. I keep crying with laughter when rereading the final sentence. ๐
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:00 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐
Sparking333 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:58:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy told us this joke last week over dinner. Took us some seconds to realize that all the tension build up was to distract us from the fact that the guy made a terrible mistake.
On the bright side, imagine his career prospects as a DJ given his newfound handy 'gift'... I like to think that he went under the alias of DJ Hurricane to make a living!
joebearyuh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:07:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Out of all the jokes in this thread, this one got me the most. I was fully expecting a clever punch line to do with this guys wishes. Reminds of man with a small orange for a head joke
Becsabillion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:55:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Congratulations. You made my boyfriend, a notoriously hard to crack joke fiend, laugh.
I_Can_Haz_Brainz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OMG, this had me in tears. Should be at the top.
Made my day, thanks!
keymaster999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:38:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just guffawed in the back of my uber ride.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:30 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the reaction I had when I heard it
PassportSloth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:20 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried reading this to my husband and I lost it crying about three fucking times. Then he said โthatโs not a good jokeโ so thanks for ruining my marriage.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:15:43 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahhaha I get why the joke doesn't work for everyone, that's why I find it so funny ๐
zakangi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:54:15 on May 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is an amazing joke but it usually fails with a lot of people.
BaronVonHarambe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:17:48 on July 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude. Iโm fucking dying ahahahahhaha
Literally have tears ... you win
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:38:00 on July 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still laughing at it ๐
TheShayminex ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:05:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If his left arm was rotating clockwise and his right arm was rotating counterclockwise they would be rotating in the same direction.
Zaldrizes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:23:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I stupid? If I rotate my arms, from my POV I am doing circles where my hands meet in the middle.
TheShayminex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your POV left arm is clockwise if you looked at it., so forward (like a swimmer). Right arm is counterclockwise if you look at it so also forward (like a swimmer). Someone else's POV they both go backwards. Either way they go the same direction as the other.
Zaldrizes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was just doing it with my hands....
I am confused though. One going forward and the other arm going back, one of your arms will be pointed at the sky on the other will be pointed out the ground if you start rotating at the same time right?
TheShayminex ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:41:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Look to your left. If your left arm is going clockwise it should be going forward. Look to your right. If your right arm is going counterclockwise, it should be going forward as well. It's like how in a hallway, you always stay on the right side, and even though everyone is on the right, they're on different sides of the hallway. If you asked people to go forward on the left and backward on the right, they'd be on the same side. If your arms are clockwise on the left and counterclockwise on the right, they spin the same way.
Kuxir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:54:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you have a clock on your left and a clock on your right the hands on the clocks would be going in opposite directions. How you see your arms should be mirroring the clocks on your right/left. The only way they would be going the same direction is from the perspective of another person looking at you from the side.
ShineeChicken ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:58:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I pictured it like he's holding his arms out in front of him, and just the forearms are rotating. It looks sort of like the inflatable worm things you see outside of storefronts.
TheShayminex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:59:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh.
ShineeChicken ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:18 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In my opinion it looks way goofier and makes the joke funnier. I know this because I...may have experimented last night in front of the mirror.
Leahcimjs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good, I'm not crazy!
swimfast58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think that changes the joke though.
Pokemonzu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed a lot harder than I should've at this one
JacobMC-02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was a very cruel joke.
Colitoth47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just assumed he was doing it for a genius reason
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:46 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which is why it's funny right ๐
Redditaccountfornow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't recite this joke without dying of laughter at least 4 times.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:19 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha ๐
tcgunner90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this joke religiously and it's become a "thing" wherever I travel. I'm really surprised to see it here. Do you know the origins of this joke?
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:48 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My brother told me it, I lived too hard and thought I'd share it, that's it from my side I'm afraid
Sihnar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the funniest shit I've ever read.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:46 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha quality!!! ๐
Diorama42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This literally made me laugh. Not like air through the nose. Iโm on the tube at 8:30am. Christ.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:54 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha brilliant ๐
mattyzraps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke I ever heard
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:28 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐
HornyHypnoToad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:25:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My golly this joke is Genieus!
GandalfTheFunky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please tell me you act out the punchline.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:47 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've just got to ๐
Tilwaen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
VaderFan2187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the legendary joke.
gustavocabras ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:01:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you sir
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:18:54 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're very welcome ๐
Galiphile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everytime I see this joke, I read it in its entirety despite knowing exactly how it ends
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:48 on July 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐
ThotSpotter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:26 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking about this joke the second I saw the thread lmao thank you
theflamelurker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:59 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it can someone explain
bang__your__head ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:40 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here I am, weeks later, and my husband and I will often still say โGuys, I think I fucked upโ .... whenever it fits.
This joke has made my life so much better .....
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:37:41 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Glad you like it, still laughing at it yet
bang__your__head ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:24 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes !! I canโt tell you how often my husband and I will look at each other when we fuck up and say โhey guys....โ
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:12 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's brilliant, im now laughing at that instead of the joke๐คฃ
bang__your__head ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:04 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm also a teacher. Once my 10 year old student said to his friends โhey guys.. โ and I had to bite my tongue because the rest almost popped out.
jacktheband ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:24 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the funniest things I have read for ages.
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:44 on June 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gets me every time ๐
immunition ยท 12979 points ยท Posted at 00:16:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.
As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"
The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"
Daealis ยท 357 points ยท Posted at 08:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this the other way around. As the man arrives to the hotel with his wife and kids waiting in the lobby, the clerk asks "would you like the porn channel on your room to be disabled, sir?"
To which the man replies in disgust, "No, just regular porn, you sick fuck".
Myschly ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 10:00:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This makes so much more sense.
shokalion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:07:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard that version of it, and I did get the original, but yeah, that's way better.
uberduck ยท 342 points ยท Posted at 06:52:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it goes better with "please make sure you have disabled porn."
conjulio ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 09:56:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. I read the original wording 5 times without it making sense.
pillowpresident ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:42:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yay, I'm not the only one!
hTWOoxygen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:50:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get it now
Illumina_ted ยท 194 points ยท Posted at 04:22:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
iโve never understood this one
galexj9 ยท 552 points ยท Posted at 04:24:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the manager thinks he's requesting porn featuring disabled people for his family to watch.
crypto_took_my_shirt ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 07:11:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
will some hotels do this? Asking for a friend.
[deleted] ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 09:09:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 09:58:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Acrolith ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 10:14:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the gay version, Fruits and Vegetables.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:47:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahaha oh my god, take your upvote and leave my family alone.
Rust_Dawg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:11:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the one where the gay guys go to the asylum.
I think it's called "Fruits and Nuts"
VonFrictenstien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:15:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Downsydrome and Double Penetration 4?
Doctor_Popeye ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:12:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is stupid. I can damn near guarantee they won't be showing this.
It's gonna be way too hard to follow for all those folks who haven't caught up on 1-3. Not to mention the other in-universe world building movies like "The D is for the Disabled"
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 07:21:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you pay enough, sure.
kiradotee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:54 on June 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you pay more, they can also film it.
[deleted] ยท -26 points ยท Posted at 08:15:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ThePsiGuard ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 08:28:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Please make sure the porn channel is disabled" is saying "Please make sure the ___(noun) is ___(adjective) like "Please make sure the coffee is hot." Except in this case it sounds like he's asking for the porn to be of the disabled variety.
I agree that it's not very obvious though. I didn't get the joke until I read the comments but technically it does work.
KrisSlort ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:28:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not very obvious because it's more subtle. The subtlety is what makes this joke funny - the confusion you feel is literally the point in the joke.
anthonyhood ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 04:25:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Disabled people.
rosatter ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 06:54:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of disabled?
shalendar ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 07:01:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
legs disabled
upupandadam ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 07:08:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no. How on earth did that happen?
notable_tart ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 07:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Acid
G8kpr ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:27:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what are the odds
Senor_Andy_Panda ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:29:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Four
appdevil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:33:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
por favor
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:04:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One to ๐ฅ
MightyRoops ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:11:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Acid.
KafkaDecaf ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:24:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooo the police!
zmatter ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:20:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caucasian man. Bearded. Red hair. Glasses
TomCruisesSpaghetti ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:57:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was his first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked him overboard. Before the crew could pull him out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off his leg.
waydle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One eyed fish
melanthius ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:02:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The slutty kind
m1ksuFI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:04:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arms broken
BogusDou ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:53:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
d o u b l e D a m p u t e e
[deleted] ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 04:24:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it's not socially acceptable to watch handicapped people fuck.
Edit: everyone else is
imaginingthinking of physically disabled porn. I was imagining mentally disabled porn.shuttlebuscaptain ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 04:40:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But it's legal!
awry_lynx ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:07 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hmmm mentally disabled porn seems like it would have a lot of legal issues though. I mean, depending on severity... maybe? Wait.
immunition ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:40:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Depends who your social circle is I guess
2000liftedcummins ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 04:50:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd guess there is a whole load of disabled porn. If I were in a wheel chair I'd prolly be trying to find wheel chair porn. I imagine that's a common thing.
Just like right now. I try to find porn where the dude has a small dick.
dustyflatulence ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 05:03:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
ajmartin527 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:27:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhh because of the implication haha
kai-ol ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:31:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was a film major, and one of his first gigs was a handicapped themed porn called "Suck my crutch". So there's that...
dekrant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Different strokes for different folks
theKalash ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:21:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/LucieWildeIsRetarded
immunition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/ofcoursethatsathing
rmphillips3 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:15:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why not? They deserve the same respect as normal people and should be treated equally.
julianface ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 07:53:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sexuality of disabled people is a huge taboo. Understandable because of the heightened risk of exploitation and abuse but I think its an issue completely swept under the rug. There is a sex club in Toronto and there that runs a disabled night and there was a ton of mixed reception but it seemed to be overwhelmingly positive for the actual disabled participants to have a platform for their sexuality to be celebrated rather than dismissed.
CliveBixby22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't kinkshame me!
Doctor_Popeye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:17:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But that's what gets my blood pumping
BardsApprentice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy parties.
RunGuyRun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go on.
hobbit_motya ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:26:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"the porn channel is disabled". clerk thinks he wants his porn to be with disabled people.
JokeSportGuy ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:03:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Weak
Oznondescriptperson ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I also do not know what porn is, or that there is a never ending list of categories and fetishes catered to, some that you don't even know you have until you see them.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:14:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read so many jokes online online and many Reddit joke threads and maybe it's the wine but this is one of few times I've legit laughed out loud at a joke.
RedditIsMyJamOMG ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 02:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is awesome! Reminds of one...
A waiter bring a man his food at a fancy restaurant.
Waiter: Can I get you anything else sir?
Customer: Yes please, do you have any grey poupon?
Waiter: Gray poop on what you sick fuck?!
[deleted] ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:26:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MrMastodon ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:07:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell the lady I want two piece on the plate. She says "you better not piss on the plate, you sonuvabitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonuvabitch!
I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT!
immunition ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:01:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember this one, I used to know it as the 'An Italian man in Detroit'. Otherwise exactly the same.
gungir ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:28:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Op is an ass we won't be working with him again. - Gaben
Elunetrain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:33:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was waiting for this.
OuchyDathurts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was hoping I'd find you guys
MemezzIsMyDrug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:09:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does hotels feature a porn channel?
6to23 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:17:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Almost all of them have one, but it's disabled by default, you have to pay to access it.
MemezzIsMyDrug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:17:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohh ive never heard of it
RunGuyRun ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:48:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Manually typing out my laughter: Hahaha, hahaaaaha.
jelimoore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
TastyBiscuit ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:43:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clerk assumed that he wants his family to watch porn featuring disabled/ handicapped individuals
SolopsistNation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:35:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to ask the clerk whether the porn is disabled from a wheelchair.
silentsights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one got a chortle out of me.
pen15es ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to but I always lose it half way through
Me_you_who ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk why i laughed but i laughed
stringplucker196 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this one
HobbesArt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got a laugh. Thanks.
durlaczek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It needs to say โis the porn channel disabledโ not โplease make sure porn Chanel is disabled โ that would make more sense
The_Petalesharo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that there are no replies to this but 10k+ upvotes
kryptonella04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:16:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I literally laughed so hard to this
[deleted] ยท -30 points ยท Posted at 05:45:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TheBoxBoxer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:19:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think getting torn up was the problem in the first place...
ItsSam_JK ยท 13813 points ยท Posted at 00:41:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโve heard of Murphyโs law right? It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Coleโs law? Itโs thinly sliced cabbage.
I always start laughing half way through the joke though so usually the delivery isnโt that good
white_trash69 ยท 1021 points ยท Posted at 04:25:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got half way through saying it to my wife and couldn't finish it because I was laughing too much. Thanks!
fluffalump83 ยท 358 points ยท Posted at 06:05:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only reason Iโm laughing at this joke is because Iโm thinking of you two people laughing so hard youโre unable to deliver the joke. I know my husband will laugh so hard though so I want to tell him but now Iโll be thinking of you two and I wonโt be able to make it through!
PassportSloth ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 18:39:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was going to say the same thing. What makes this actually funny is the idea that these guys think it's so funny they can't contain themselves. I love when people "break".
janetnotjackson ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:47:16 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/wholesomememes
slightlydENTed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:50:29 on August 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4 months later and I just told this joke to my girlfriend. I had to practice saying it in my head a few times first to get the giggles out because I was thinking the same thing.
GameOfThrowsnz ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 06:41:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says โOW!โ
HotterThanAnOtter ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:38:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 men walk into a bar, you'd have thought one of them would've seen it.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:04:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read lots of people telling their SO... stares off into distance
SuperfluousMeanderer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:18:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Murphyโs law in effect!
BruceLeesSpirit ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:01:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same ๐
Aoae ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:11:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trying to tell a joke and laughing halfway through, ruining your telling of it - Murphy's Law in action?
Brown_note11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Telling the joke is an action. Not telling it is inaction
RadioSlayer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But it isn't funny until the end? Halfway through you're just laughing at Murphey's law. Which I suppose is fair, if a bit weird.
BrucePee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:45:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Typical white trash.
DwanyeWest ยท -39 points ยท Posted at 05:04:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh my god this
Edit: wh...why the downvotes :(
internetV ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:35:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because oh my god this doesn't add anything of value
DwanyeWest ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:46:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I cant just enjoy it?
internetV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh? Of course you can enjoy, that's why we're all here. It's just that people don't like ready overused reddit cliches
DwanyeWest ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:05:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh
internetV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh? Of course you can enjoy, that's why we're all here. It's just that people don't like really overused reddit cliches
[deleted] ยท -53 points ยท Posted at 06:07:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
BlissnHilltopSentry ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:55:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was able to downvote you fine, no issues
ricksoaz ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:22:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao, people mass downvoting the poor guy.
zombiejeebus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which app / mobile platform are you even on?
mathaikunju ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:16:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit official
LyannaGiantsbane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a while, but I got the hang of downvoting on the phone. It still needs a little more dedication than upvoting though.
swaddlor ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 04:41:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I totally failed the joke delivery also but my husband still enjoyed it.
0range_julius ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 04:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a teacher named Mr. Cole who sold t-shirts with this joke on them. Tons of people bought them 'cause everyone liked the teacher. They became a whole thing. He was an 8th grade teacher at one of the middle schools, but I still see seniors in the hall of the high school wearing them.
Plethora_of_squids ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 04:54:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Follow up joke that only makes sense in Australia:
Do you know that if you go to Coles and buy cabbage, you legally have to buy mustard and vinegar?
It's called Cole's law
closetwindow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:10:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha!
sumogypsyfish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:38:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never been to or lived in Australia, but I can understand the context well enough. Good joke.
Rand4m ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 03:17:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You get my upvote, because not only did my SO laugh at this, she even said "That's a good one!"
Da_Badong ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 05:37:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please explain I'm french
-_-_-_--_--_--_--_-- ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 05:47:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cole's law = coleslaw.
Coleslaw is usually a small side that comes with a meal at a burger joint. Its thinly sliced cabbage, mixed with mayo and things like thinly sliced carrots as well.
Google a picture of it, i'm not a fan of things smothered in mayo (lobster rolls, coleslaw, etc) but a lot of people love coleslaw in the US.
Pinglenook ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 10:25:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact! Despite coleslaw being very American, it's derived from the Dutch word for "cabbage salad": koolsla.
But because coleslaw is so very American, if you buy it in the Netherlands, the menu or packaging will say "coleslaw", not "koolsla".
Da_Badong ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:56:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaah I see now, thanks ^
ubeogesh ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:12:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i understood that, but where's the joke?
GeneralKnife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL it has a name. I just called it sliced cabbage.
horusphoenix615 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:52:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I knew Cole's Law from the Murphy's Law book and I had always thought that there was something that I was missing because I never got "Cole's Law : Thinly sliced cabbage".
Only now did I get it. smh Facepalm
DRosesStationaryBike ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could hear Norm Macdonald telling that joke
fckJP ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:07:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Murphyโs Law.
Bagel_-_Bites ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:00:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see you're familiar with Murphy's Law. Have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.
_Volatile_ ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:16:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
<---[Joke]---
( โข_โข)---> me
anthonygtran ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:21:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw
_Volatile_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:22:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see. Thank you, stranger.
turohabaneero ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:21:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's some American salad according to Google
5p33di3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:51:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
psst
It's actually from the Netherlands
turohabaneero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:54:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Google lied to me then
5p33di3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's weird cause I got it from Google too.
She is a fickle mistress.
turohabaneero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:29:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw on yhdysvaltalaiseen ruokakulttuuriin kuuluva kaalisalaatti. Pรครคraaka-aineensa silputun kerรคkaalin lisรคksi se sisรคltรครค usein raastettua porkkanaa. Kastike on majoneesi- ja etikkapohjainen.ย Wikipedia
RAVITSEMUSTIEDOT
Applebee's Double Crunch ShrimpColeslawKentucky Fried Chicken ColeslawPopeye's ColeslawColeslaw
Mรครคrรค/ย 100 g100 g
Kalorit (kcal)ย 152
JaqenHghaar08 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:36:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where's the joke explain bot when you need it
MorningDrunkard ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:37:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw
ScruffMcDuck ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:05:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/MorningDrunkard, confirmed bot.
pineapple-leon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:34:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cue x-files theme song
merickard ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:35:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/dadjokes
The_Coletrain ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:20:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a dude named Cole, I get told this joke a lot. And get called Coleslaw.
I don't even like the slaw.
SudoWithCheese ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:13:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sauer kraut it?
I'll admit, that sounded better in my head.
CosmicCharlie99 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:34:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get off reddit dad! Your embarrassing us both!
DudeWtfusayin ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:23:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone care to explain?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:34:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw.
Matyas_ ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:36:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it
-_-_-_--_--_--_--_-- ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:44:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Google a picture of coleslaw dog its thinly sliced cabbage mixed with mayo.
Doesn't tickle my peach however theres always some lunatic at the table that is willing to eat my side of coleslaw.
I however, am the mad man that will take everyones extra side pickles and devour them with more pleasure than I get from the dessert afterwards.. So who am I to talk bad about some cabbage-mayo.
DudeWtfusayin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:02:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do the same with my SO. She hates them. We are perfect together.
EDIT: Who the fuck would downvote me for this? LMAO.
Penguin_Rapist_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:18:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the olive theory.
DudeWtfusayin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:33:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like your name.
codebrown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:51:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the delivery. OP needs to stopping laughing when typing out comments.
m_goss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw(Cole's Law) is made of thinly sliced cabbage.
th3_hamster ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:40:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโve heard of Sin City right? Itโs another name for Las Vegas. But have you heard of Den City? Itโs mass divided by volume.
TheineandTheobromine ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:49:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar joke that I also canโt get through without laughing:
There are two olives on a table. One olive rolls off the table and onto the floor. The olive still on the table says, โAre you okay?โ
And the olive on the floor says, โIโll live! (Olive!)โ
Itโs hard to write...
shnooqichoons ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:45:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah this reminds me of a good one.
Why did the French chef commit suicide? He lost the huile d'olive.
ElRitmoKotite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:04:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this is a good icebreaker when you're in a new city and trying to meet people. I'm gonna use this...
JoannaMiller88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hahahahahahahahhaha...tooooo funny!
Tunro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:27:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/dadjokes
atty26 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:36:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this made me lol-ed in office
Rocky87109 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's because the shape your mouth makes to say cole is prime position for a nice laugh.
BrokenSpectr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm confident that most people I would tell this to would correct me on the fact that coleslaw is more than just sliced cabbage.
VerbalThermodynamics ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:31:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm gonna tell that to my wife in the morning and sheโs gonna look at me like Iโm an idiot.
Good joke.
Zuphixavex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:27:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've heard of sin city right? The 2005 film. What about den city? It's mass divided by volume.
It works better when you say it out loud.
BookOfNopes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:55:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People who start laughing half way through the joke are adorable (in my experience)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminded me of a Harris Wittels tweet from 2014.
"Cole's Law: cabbage and mayonnaise is disgusting."
BELIBANDERSON- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:23:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is amazing
-_-_-_--_--_--_--_-- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man can't wait to break this bad boy out when I get drunk as shit next time
cowsrock1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thought I was still on the "what's your darkest secret" thread, and got thoroughly confused
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Wallywaiting ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:32:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What hahah? Why??
beeasaurusrex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke -ever-! I tell it on a weekly basis if not more often. I like to use it to lighten the mood when someoneโs accidentally brought it down.
Mousixxxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's been a while since I've laughed this much at a clean, family friendly joke. Good stuff!
Fluffeh_Panda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it
5p33di3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:53:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw
John_Dee_007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always thought Coles' law was saying prices are down when they're actually going up.
Bacongrease99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My coworker claims to have made up that joke. Nice try Sean Bock
RogertheStroklund ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:10:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a science teacher named Mr. Cole, and he had quotes and jokes hanging up all around the classroom.
My favorite was;
"Ohms Law: One volt pushes one amp through one ohm.
Einstein's Law: E=MC2
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage (Not my best work.)"
effa94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i usually do that one too, but i add poes law as well before coleslaw
yuu11ki11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:03:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this.
vlm0325 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of a โdad jokeโ. My dad would tell jokes like this all the time. Funny!
aw2Ls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is the best. I'm going to try to bring up Murphy's Law in conversation every opportunity I get now, just so I can tell this joke!
JImmydeknul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:54:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotto stop reading these now, laughing like an idiot in public
stunz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:10:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke works particularly well in Australia as one of our major supermarkets is named "Coles"
Did you know that if you goto Coles and you buy a cabbage that you have to also buy carrot and mayonnaise? Its Coles law.
leadtrightly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:38:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice.one
UvaroviteKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol this is pun gold!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds suspiciously like a dad joke
Nine_Gates ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, Cole's law is that the location of Earth and the Inner Colonies must not fall into Covenant hands. Retreating ships must escape on randomized jump vectors directed away from the Inner Colonies. Ships in danger of capture must wipe their navigational databases and self-destruct.
mae42dolphins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got this question wrong on an exam because I missed class on the day the professor told the joke. I have never felt as stupid as I did the moment the realization kicked in.
Holy_Banana_Diariah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does this awesome Joke does not work in my native language :(
pdrocker1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:37 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it
EDIT: oooohhhhh
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so loud at this one my neighbours heard me!
Kyro92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it...
SuperSMT ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:53:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coleslaw
GerbilJibberJabber ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:53:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Find your nearest waiter...
EvilMonkeyMimic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does anyone know why it's called coleslaw? Like, actually
Kaalexander ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:52:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
American spelling of the dutch word koolsla (cabbage salad)
whisperingsage ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:52:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
According to Wikipedia
JerHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I havenโt smoked pot in like a decade, but I wanna get really baked and try telling this joke. It sounds like a really good joke to yell stoned.
ItsSam_JK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have confirmed
TheWhoamater ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:08:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You could say murphy's law,...wait a minute
WhyYouNoAsk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:40:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OH COLE'SLAW
Bamhurger23 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:47:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need to remember this for when travelling. This one is brilliant
kabobstr ยท 9751 points ยท Posted at 22:39:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
n0mgoose ยท 7014 points ยท Posted at 01:14:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who need closure.
ApolloFireweaver ยท 677 points ยท Posted at 02:30:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people - Those who can extrapolate from missing data...
psychopathwolfy ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 10:02:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people, those that understand binary and those that don't.
CzechnologicalMarvel ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 11:15:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But neither of those expected trinary.
IsaacEiland-Hall ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 11:37:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people: Those that understand binary, those that don't, those that think this is a joke about ternary, and those that realize that it is, in fact, a joke about quaternary.
Gnixxus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly read this, reread it, reread it a third time and laughed as i haven't for a long while!
Arceus919 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ternary*
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:16:01 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people, those who understand hexadecimal, and F all the rest.
Littlebigreddit50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people, those who can't count
thebluewitch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:07:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people - Those who tell everything they know...
operabass93 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:08:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types if people: people who can finish lists โฆ what is art?
megadeth37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:35 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found bo
spinvalve ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:25:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know binary and those who don't.
ApolloFireweaver ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those you understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this to be ternary joke.
Gidget_Pottyshorts ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:54:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who eat horse meat....
alfalfa_or_spanky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two keys to success: 1. Never share everything you know
Magisidae ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:43:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's very impressive if you can extrapolate from missing data. I can only extrapolate from acquired data.
victorvscn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That does not seem to be missing not at random. I'm sorry, statisticians, nothing to do here.
doomsdaymelody ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Incomplete, not missing
lmathia1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:58 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
META
[deleted] ยท 2300 points ยท Posted at 01:46:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do I now feel extremely uncomfortable. Oh no...
[deleted] ยท 196 points ยท Posted at 01:54:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who don't. Feel better?
[deleted] ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 02:09:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Thanks!
havron ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 03:56:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(
jesuschristismyNlGGA ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 04:14:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
)
Tokiseong ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 04:20:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
;
JaeHxC ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:21:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
P
Tokiseong ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:21:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Y
bootresha ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:22:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
T
Tokiseong ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:49:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
H
Xero125 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
O
jeonos ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:28:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
N
IAmARobotTrustMe ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:30:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goodbye.
2plusde ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:11:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectedouija?
creativeusername289 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
T
PhilxBefore ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too. Thanks!
LaVernWinston ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those who donโt what?? Youโre killing me!
CRYSOAR ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Bate
SingleInfinity ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:43:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's Master Bate to you, boy. I didn't hone my craft over many nights for nothing.
thugg3ry ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:43:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those who don't know.
copperwatt ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:41:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now just imagine taking an toy action figure, and spinning it around on it's torso all the way 360 degrees, but never spinning it back.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:14:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Do I know what rhetorical means!?" -Homer Simpson
skepticalspectacle1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:53:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because
HBlight ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:45:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually hate closure, and there is a term for that.
AlexanderS4 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:56:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
AND THOSE WHO DON'T
oof.
MayTryToHelp ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:19:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch
The_Immoral_God ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:59:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/BoneHurtingJokes
DerekB52 ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 02:17:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who can read binary, and those who can't.
AvioNaught ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 03:17:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who didn't expect this joke to be in base three!
Pookieeatworld ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:50:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is good. I'm using this.
clemens_richter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:34:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sadly it only works (well) written down
booshronny ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:48:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use the "there a 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't".
_duncan_idaho_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:37:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3/2 people are shitty with fractions.
Lorioch ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 0 kinds of people in the world:
guitos ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:43:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those that can understand hex and F the rest!
frenchiveruti ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:52:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse? Ignorance or disinterest?
I don't know and I don't care.
artemiswinchester ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:22:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol heard a similiar joke: There are 3 kinds of people, those who can count, and those who cannot.
scyth3s ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:19:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it works better this way
Erekai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think so too.
scyth3s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The implicit callout of the listener who needs closure adds to the effect if they get it, and to the irony if they don't. See also:
There are two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from an incomplete data set
wierdrubberduckguy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:02:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can finish lists
the_matzah_man ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:51:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These two comments are perfect for each other. I think I'll use them in conjunction with the other. "What do you get. .." and then immediately say "there are two kinds of people in the world. ."
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:39:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently there is one type of person on Reddit and they all posted the incomplete data set joke simultaneously.
frenchnuggets ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:54:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This hurt me
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No no, sir, I think you'll find there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
scriptsvcs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:52:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The two hardest problems in computer science are naming things, cache invalidation, and off-by-one errors.
juanito_caminante ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:40:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an orange?
ermergerdberbles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:46:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
thatguyinthebushes1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary and those that don't.
Also
There's 2 types of people in this world. One that can infer from partial information.
bitterberries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 01 kinds of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Arazaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it as "There are two types of people, there are those that can extrapolate from missing data."
Picklebeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite version of that- โThere are two kinds of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete dataโ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who don't.
(For those who do)
Colitoth47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in this world: Those that can't do math.
5/4 people admit that they are bad with fractions.
Hates_escalators ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people, those who can extrapolate from incomplete information......
funkensteinberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who donโt.
QuickHidetheMuffins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit. Bamboozled twice...
Notherereally ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
AManCalledE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know binary, and those who donโt.
Or, in a similar vein to yours: Thereโs two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from insufficient data.
Edit: Well shit, these have both been posted here already. Sorry!
imightstealyourdog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is driving me nuts, whatโs the other kind of person?
hunmac9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to punch you in the face
d7_Temperrz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:12:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 3 types of people in the world: those who can count and those who canโt.
Edit - Just realised that this has already been posted ๐ถ
furrik524 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:36:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
TheBananaKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 2n kinds of people in the world.
hilariouslijah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:25:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god.
notesonblindness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:34:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
AND THOSE WHO DON'T.
sharfpang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:38:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To achieve success, you need to learn two things: First, never say all you know.
expletive-expletive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:55:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinda of people in the world: those who read binary and those who donโt.
Gifos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
AAAAAAAAAAA
apadipodu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three kinds of people in the world ; those who can count and those who can't.
TheR1mmer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yes and the other one? the other one!? FOR the love of God tell me!
12welf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This should be the top rated joke of all time
MrMilesDavis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are only two types of people in this world. Those who make large sweeping generalizations and those who don't.
cyleleghorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Unfortunately this one doesn't work as well when spoken out loud lol
t33m3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:45 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those with composure.
bored_canadian ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:30:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information
Tru-Queer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:33:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from insufficient information.
theAlpacaLives ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:43:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who can't extrapolate from incomplete information, right?
NeverBob ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 00:21:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A hypothetical punchline.
ProPainful ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:33:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This seems probable.
doubleaxle ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:57:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in the world.
1:Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
MrTagnan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:48:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who.....
And those who.....
I got nothing
raubana ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If someone asked me that, I'd just go "I dunno, what." and stare at them, emotionless. It'd be a battle of idiocracy and stubbornness.
kabobstr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:08:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The proper response to this would be to simply walk away, and let you have your hollow victory.
idonotget_it ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:50:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What?
kabobstr ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:52:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username does indeed check out
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:34:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
kabobstr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:02:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've noticed that this is a joke that angers people when it goes over their head. Laugh at them anyway though.
mentaljewelry ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:16:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Naturally.
threekidsathome ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This would not get genuine laughs at all, more 'huh.... ohhh i get it, cool joke Bob."
kabobstr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:34:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Almost always get a burst of laughter if you enter a room, shoot off the joke, and promptly leave. Don't knock it til you try it my man
threekidsathome ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:43:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a joke that only works if I enter a room then leave right after? I guess if you want people to think your weird in social settings, sure, people will laugh at you.
kabobstr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:51:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It didn't say it ONLY works that way, I was just giving you an example.
I'm really glad you have such an advanced sense of humor that you've transcended my joke. Please give me a better one if this was so terrible.
threekidsathome ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 05:01:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, I have a regular sense of humour, that's how I know that joke isn't really all that funny. Its just clever, but not funny. Try that joke at a house party, its lame.
kabobstr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:23:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's all about delivery
threekidsathome ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not when there's nothing to deliver
jenzthename ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:42:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My gf: "What? ... Oh shut up."
McVogtsauce ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:26:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow. This is way underrated. Clever.
kabobstr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:27:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I told this joke 1 out of like 25 people got it. The rest have me blank zombie stares. Glad somebody appreciates it lol
shanghaidry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it supposed to be funny?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:37:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the right answer!
shanghaidry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:29:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get get. Can you explain?
rotund_tractor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:24:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated how? Thereโs no rating system for jokes. Upvotes are as much a function of time as anything and you didnโt wait very long to see if anyone else liked the joke.
lllamma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Pegi 18!"
Eunomiac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:15:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My father was a man of few words. One day, he said to me, "Son,"
liloyoulolo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:42:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who cannot.
ValuePrestige ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:15:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The suspense is killing me
LateralThinkerer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:57:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A humorless 300 page response punctuated with ad hominum attacks.
Source: Have partied with rhetoricians.
m_linville15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:40:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awkward silence.
threekidsathome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yeah pretty much, the joke is JUST clever but not really that funny at all
Mydicksobigipooponit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What?
GabeNewell1337 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:02:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
upvotes
sharfpang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:45:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Know a trick how to keep an idiot in suspense?
ilovemallory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is like entering manual breathing mode
t33m3r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee cord?
kabobstr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:30 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Entertainment.
Guac__is__extra__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:22:55 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to one of my favorites: โI just learned a new knock knock joke. You start it.โ
Sheikashii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was so funny holy shit I'm still laughing and it hurts. Your words bring me stomach pain and you should feel bad
kabobstr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:18:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No regerts
ContraMann ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke that's for sure!
kabobstr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure?
quibble42 ยท -17 points ยท Posted at 02:34:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to as well, but it's actually: What do you get when you cross a pun with a rhetorical question?
Asmo___deus ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:03:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is it a pun?
kabobstr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:03:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see you are a man of taste
tictactroy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:51:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there an answer to this question
SuperDuperTurtle ยท 6826 points ยท Posted at 22:41:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bilingual one:
A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine and puts in 40 cents. The machine displays "DIME" on the screen. The man gets close to the machine and whispers, "Yo quiero Pepsi"
pm-me-your-areola ยท 6979 points ยท Posted at 02:35:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sรญ que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?"
jagua_haku ยท 778 points ยท Posted at 06:22:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Spaniard flew to Argentina, at the airport in Buenos Aires he asked a local, "Donde puedo coger un taxi?" And the porteรฑo shrugged, pointed to the exhaust and said "por el tubo"
SaintRidley ยท 545 points ยท Posted at 06:48:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For those wondering, in everywhere but Spain coger means to fuck, in Spain it means to catch, or board (and a few other thing).
jagua_haku ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 07:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are a few other countries that you can use coger in a sense to catch or grab. I want to say it's used in Ecuador the same as Spain. But yes generally it's "to fuck" in the americas.
Anyway, the way I heard it, the etymology of coger had to do with the Conquista. The soldiers would grab the indรญgenas, and they would be saying "grab her, grab her" but since rape was so common coger evolved into "to fuck" in many of the New World countries
SaintRidley ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 07:16:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. Same basic semantic shift that made rape mean rape today (it used to be primarily used in the sense of theft by seizure, taking, or grabbing, as in the poem The Rape of the Lock).
neuropsycho ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 09:08:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly, the Spanish cognate of "rape", "raptar", means "to kidnap".
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:57:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Violar?
neuropsycho ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:28:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, violar means "to rape" in Spanish.
ohineedascreenname ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:39:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and molestar means to bother (someone)
TheHealadin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No me molesta!
neuropsycho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop molesting me with your fun facts!
Airperuvian1v0 ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 07:33:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Peru coger is to grab too. Did not know coger was "to fuck" everywhere else. Wonder now how many of my friends thought i was trying to fuck everything i grabbed...
RedCognitions ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 09:59:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Colombia, "coger" is definitely "to get / grab"...especially in the case of the common expression "coger un taxi" = "take a taxi". Had never heard of "coger" equating to "joder" (= to fuck) ๐ค
jagua_haku ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:39:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah after living in the southern cone for a few years and then traveling up through the Andean countries and hearing people say coger so casually I couldn't help but to laugh every time
Ihadsexwithjesus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:20:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Guatemala Joder = to fuck with (annoying, harassing) never thought it also meant to fuck literally.
ChiReddit85 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:11:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Coger by the pussy." - Donald Trump
MartynLann ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:55:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure but that's because we use agarrar "to grab" as the euphemism for fucking.
grap112ler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:57:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lived in Ecuador, never heard coger used as "to fuck". Maybe I missed it (was a mormon missionary), but I feel like I had a pretty good understanding of their vulgarities.
jagua_haku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah that's what I was saying
idiomaddict ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 11:17:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god. Iโm in the USA, but most of my slang Spanish came from an old Spanish roommate of mine. Iโve worked in so many restaurants and nobody ever said a thing.
Iโm equally embarrassed and heartwarmed.
Itโs not quite as bad as when I confused enfadada-Spain Spanish and enojada-Latin American Spanish and ended up furiously saying โยกestoy enfollada!โ
For non Spanish speakers, I confused two different words for mad and ended up saying Iโm fucked!
miniRNA ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:07:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coger is bad for Argentinians but not for many other Spanish speakers, SK maybe you were fine ;) I seriously doubt they wouldn't have laughed if hearing you say it and having that meaning forthem
idiomaddict ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:56:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So far, Iโve only gotten a big belly laugh once- I saw a butterfly and shouted excitedly โยกmaricรณn!โ So maybe it wasnโt so bad.
cleverleper ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:18:58 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mariposa can also be used as slang for gay, so, you know, almost there.
idiomaddict ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:07:57 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aha, well thatโs something at least
finnknit ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:30:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After hearing stories about people mixing up "manejar" and "manajar", I was always very careful to use "conducir" to talk about driving a car.
Halcione ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:12:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also means to catch in Cuba.
In a similar vein, 'joder' means to mess with in Cuba, seems like everywhere else it means to fuck. I got looks in an airport when I tried complaining to my parents about what a pest my brother was being.
MVAgrippa ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:28:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah this is not true. In all the Caribbean and most of South America coger is to grab. The coger-fuck think is NOT a universal even in the countries bordering Argentina. edit: NOT*
dlightman_au ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:48:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always knew coger=fuck to be an Argentina thing.
miniRNA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:06:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually,I think it's Argentina, Uruguay (I believe?) and maybe some other countries, but I think I remember from when I studied that stuff, not majority of places
RobertWarrenGilmore ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:42:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha!
jianantonic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:45:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned this linguistic difference the hard way the first time I went to Central America...
sevillada ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:19:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Mexico it would be "por el escape"
Ian502 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:11:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The "por la pipa" expression I've never heard it. You probably meant "Caรฑo" or "Tubo" (de Escape)
No se le dice pipa, al tubo o caรฑo de escape, o simplemente se le dice escape.
I think from where you heard that joke mis-translated "pipe" as in exhaust pipe. But pipe here it's the pipe you smoke. Or the Sunflower Seeds that you eat (Pipas!).
jagua_haku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep I meant tubo! Sorry it's been a while. Thanks I'll fix it
DonViaje ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am living in Spain and definitely going to use this
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:51:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard someone use pipa. They say caรฑo.
kryptonella04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it, please explain
hunsonaberdeen ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 06:00:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Quรฉ dijo un jaguar al otro jaguar?
Jaguar you?
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:50:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this oneMe encanta esteNulono ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:56:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
jeo188 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 07:06:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jaguar is pronouced "hah-gwar" in Spanish, which roughly sounds like "how are"
So one jaguar is saying to the other "'how are' you?"
KingMelray ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:16:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahora me encanta este! ('Now I love this', I'm trying here people)
Edit: Gracias u/ZeroCasar
ZeroCesar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That would be "ahora me encanta este", pronto means soon and wouldn't fit with me encanta being in present tense.
The-Real-Darklander ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:03:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jaguar=How are
FizzBuzzBanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you explain this one?
jeo188 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I posted this on someone else's comment
abhijitd ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 03:33:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best one so far
futurespice ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 11:45:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
along the same lines: "maybe soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?"
hunsonaberdeen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I... love that! Gracias!
ReaganCheese4all ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 03:56:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An oldie but a goodie.
Phobos95 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:58:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.
cinq_cent ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:49:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great one for Spanish class learning clothing!
getrekt36act ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 04:05:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whooooah.
Aelon51 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite in the thread so far, well done!
DatThundersnatchDoe ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:06:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love it. Clever AF
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:10:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
pm_me_tits_and_tats ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 06:18:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At the end as they walk past some socks then man picks some up and says โeso si que esโ which is basically โthis is what I was saying!โ
But to the salesperson who doesnโt speak Spanish, it just sounds like heโs holding up a pair of socks and saying โS-O-C-K-Sโ
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:59:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It only works as a written joke because he would've pronounced it as "esosikes"
The-Real-Darklander ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:04:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Depends if the accent the guy has tbh
Malixooxo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:07:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure a Mexican guy wouldnt pronounce that the same way an American studying Spanish 101 would.
The-Real-Darklander ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:09:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It depends on from where in Mexico the man is. Plenty of different accents on Mexico my dude
jungle ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:38:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You mean some Mexicans pronounce "que" as "Kay"?
omnilynx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:29:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As heard by a non-Spanish-speaker, perhaps.
Malixooxo ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:14:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have no knowledge of Mexican accents but I guess you do so you might be right.
BriFM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre right about that cuz I had to double take at the end. Canโt deny itโs clever though.
civicgsr19 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:55:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what the difference between choice and choose is?
Choice is a decision you would make and choose is something Mexicans wear on their feet.
locotx ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:27:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice! An ese was cruzin in his Lowrider and sees an Asian hottie walking on the sidewalk.... he pulls up next to her and yells "Want a ride? Japonesa!" (hop on esa)
WilloniousFunk ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:47:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That joke is fuego!
VorpalBandersnatch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:15:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my dadโs favorite joke.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:16:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is amazing!
HonestAvocado ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:54:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lovely joke!
Erekai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, this one's great
ajmartin527 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well color me impressed
ocean365 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:16:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit this one's good, though the clerk is trying to sell more shit than needed to get the point across
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:01:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love your name, hate that you made me read this with my own eyes. Awesome though.
BriFM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:09:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit this is clever.
Iโm gonna screen cap this and tell it to my dad. He loves Mexican jokes like these lol
Phobos95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:57:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit dude. No comment on he internet has ever made me laugh that hard. Props.
GandalfTheFunky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:33:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a masterpiece.
pialligo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:27:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really like this one!
burnblue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one
PassportSloth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:05:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually chuckled.
freshavocado5612 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:36:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You just blew my mind. The person who created this masterpiece is a genious!
-zimms- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hang on, are you trying to teach me a language?
sigharewedoneyet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sad to say that I understood none of that.
jungle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:36:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This only works if you can't speak Spanish, which doesn't make sense if the customer is Mexican. I'm a blast at parties!
JacobMC-02 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Punchline doesn't really make sense in Spanish though...
porilo ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 05:35:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spanish here. It means "That's actually it" or "this is it, indeed".
nun0 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:33:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking "This is what it is". Would that be the straight up literal translation?
porilo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:32:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The word-by-word literal translation is "that is that is", or "that is what is". In Spanish, in a neutral sentence, you would just say "Eso es" (that's it) or "Sรญ, eso es" (yes, that's it). "Eso sรญ que es" is an emphatic form, not extremely frecuent but not uncommon either. You can translate it to English more appropriately like (that's very much it), (that's the thing, indeed)... you get the idea.
JacobMC-02 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:12:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It wouldn't make any sense.
TotallyNotABotBro ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:28:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seconded
wehberguillas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:49:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mexican here. Agreed.
Laurels_Night ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!Eso! ยกSรญ! ยฟQuรฉ es? This! Yeah! What is this?!
thinkjunk ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 05:01:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ess ohhh cee kayyy ess
thekittenfiend ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:12:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
S O C K S
Haaaaaaah, I didn't get it until you.
jungle ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:40:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not how a Spanish-speaker would say it though. Joke doesn't really work if you know Spanish.
Laurels_Night ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:00:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that be makes sense in English? Let's just all speak Spanglish, O Kah?
Aoloach ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:52:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not quรจ, que.
Laurels_Night ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:01:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn you autรณcorrectรณ
The-Real-Darklander ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:04:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Catalรก owo
AttackHelicopterUSA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bien hecho compa!
OpT1mUs ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For a joke this long it needs to have a better payoff
-Pluvio- ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:11:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My family loves to randomly say, "Eso si que es!" at family functions.
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 189 points ยท Posted at 04:19:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For anyone else who was wondering: "dime" means "tell me."
And I didn't bother to look this one up, but I'll assume that the Taco Bell commercials were accurate when they said "Yo quiero" means "I want some."
cheese3660 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 20:19:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
close, it means "i want" source: in spanish class
Aldrenean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:47 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still doesn't explain why the Pepsi machine says "dime" in the first place...
natxi ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 04:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Hispanic magician is counting down before he does his trick.
Uno....
Dos....
.....and he disappeared without a tres
minuteman_d ยท 230 points ยท Posted at 02:03:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A gringa is married to a Hispanic man. He's going to the store, and she says: "We need toothpaste. Get some Crest, and if they don't have any, Colgate!". He hung himself that same day.
Trayohw220 ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 02:31:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would work better if she texts him
AaronWaters ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:29:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the non-bilingual people?
Zeodexic ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 03:33:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
colgar means to hang something
so "colgate" would be "hang yourself"
unfortunately Colgate is also toothpaste
sminkdrink ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 03:33:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Colgate means โHang yourself.โ
plusultra_the2nd ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:12:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's wrong it's cuelgate
neqailaz ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 04:54:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Argentina / Uruguay /Chile they use vos instead of tu, so the conjugations are different
minuteman_d ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:59:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, when it was told to me, it was someone from an area that used vos. (Maracaibo, Venezuela).
sminkdrink ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:29:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs colgate in countries that use el voseo. In countries that use the tรบ conjugation itโs cuรฉlgate.
plusultra_the2nd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:43:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bizarre! You'd think it would at least be colgavos or something
sminkdrink ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:48:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They really donโt teach it in or even mention it in America (except presumably at advances levels), but many countries use it exclusively in place of tรบ. Itโs not to be confused with Spainโs plural vosotros form.
It is common to repeat vos at the end: venรญ vos is โcome here.โ
If youโre interested look up โel voseoโ.
bigthink ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm assuming colgar means to hang making colgate translate to hang yourself. The joke works best as text because the pronunciation is different. Or maybe that makes it subtly better.
Blitzgrizzly ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dime is basically โgive it to meโ in Spanish
plusultra_the2nd ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 04:11:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wut? it's "tell me" or alternatively "speak to me"
e.g. what you'd say when somebody comes up to you with the intention of asking a question and you say "what's up?"
ajmartin527 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:10:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would a girl also say this in bed if she wants you to talk dirty?
fivesausages ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:22:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're thinking "dame"
JacobMC-02 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Eso es que es" it makes no sense at all. It is like of a gringo was given Spanish words but no context for the meaning of words or any explanation on grammar, this is what you would come up with.
Whattheheckisleft85 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:44:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's "tell me" not "give it to me"
Blitzgrizzly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoops
VerbalThermodynamics ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:29:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought that was โdameโ
railmaniac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:53:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Explanation for those of us that don't speak Spanish?
offcolorclara ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Colgate means "hang yourself"
testoblerone ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 00:59:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a really dumb one.
So Pepito is on the way back to Mexico from a class trip to the US, they are at the border and all the other kids have crossed but Pepito is still on the US side, shaking with fear. His teacher walks over to him and asks what's wrong? "I'm afraid of Well?" says Pepito. "What are you talking about?" his teacher asks. Pepito points to a large sign, "It says right there! 'Well come Paisanos!'"
Banana42 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:29:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you explain?
roguedevil ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 01:34:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"come" means "eat" or "eats". So translated it says "Well eats countrymen".
testoblerone ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:32:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly what roguedevil wrote, come means eats. I'll just add that Paisanos, while it does mean countrymen, more recently it's the word used to refer specifically to Mexican people living in the US who have family in Mexico, visit regularly and send money to their families over here. Which is why the sign would be written like that. Paisanos are kind of very important for Mexican economy.
SuperDuperTurtle ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:07:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh I love a good Pepito joke.
testoblerone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:34:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, although now that I think about it, I believe the last time I saw this joke it was in a Condorito magazine and the kid was Conรฉ.
RS177 ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 23:58:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Spanish went to shit. I thought it said "You are Pepsi" until I checked.
factorysealed ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 02:18:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo no soy marinara
sadgirlilla ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:33:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Soy capitan
Baconator004 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 02:49:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
inhales
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:39:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Despacito
RS177 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:32:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol what? "I'm not from Marinara?"
Edit: NVM, Google translate explained it.
ItsMichaelRay ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your version is funnier.
ThatsSuperDumb ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:34:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You must be young. My Spanish is shit, but that little dog taught me years ago.
Yo quiero Taco Bell
JacobMC-02 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:35:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, taco bell is a sin.
weapongod30 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Taco Bell tastes good
JacobMC-02 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:05:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
weapongod30 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, actually. Taco Bell tastes good.
JacobMC-02 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:07:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Taco Bell is a disgrace to all of Mexico. If you are going to sell that crap sell it under your own countries name. Call it something else besides a "taco".
weapongod30 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:15:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't say it was representative of Mexico or Mexican food. I said it tasted good, and that's all I said.
JacobMC-02 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well either way you're wrong.
You are not allowed to have an opinion other than mine and if you do, you are wrong.
weapongod30 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:20 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck off. Seriously.
JacobMC-02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:32 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That last one was a joke... To indicate I know this isn't that serious of a topic... To lighten the mood... you really wanna be a jerk about this?
RS177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I remember adding that image to some middle school science project about cells. I don't remember why it applied by it did.
thewilburbeast ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:59:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite bilingual joke: how do you say never in Spanish? Maรฑana.
Raibean ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:20:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*peksi
seebeedubs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:17:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gracias
ehrwien ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:52:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That man really loves his Pepsi, huh?
dascowsen ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:38:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one :(
pm_me_tits_and_tats ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 06:25:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The man was ten cents short, so the vending machine showed โdimeโ to indicate he still had to pay.
But in Spanish, โdimeโ (pronounced dee-meh) means โtell meโ so the man responded that he wanted Pepsi, instead of inserting ten more cents.
eshannonf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The phrase โdimed them outโ makes sense now. That or Iโm more confused by it. Thanks either way.
whomp1970 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:59:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another bilingual one:
Soymilk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish.
mozka77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one also works with chorizo
betterthanfire ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:57:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco.
smallincomparison ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this will always make me crack up, I can never finish telling it without laughing
nothingexceptfor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:30:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed a bit, I must say however no one says โyo quiero Pepsiโ, you would sayโ quiero una Pepsiโ or โdame una Pepsiโ, people hardly ever say โyoโ before a verb like in english.
dontmakemeregretthis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:20:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best one in this thread, or ever to be honest.
Partytang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:19:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Salvadoreรฑo goes to prison in Texas. He is walking down the the cell block carrying his bed roll, shower shoes, and what not. A large gentleman reaches through the bars of his cell, grabs the Salvadoreรฑo by the shirt collar, pulls him in close, and whispers in his ear, "I'm gonna make you mine tonight, pretty boy." Confused, the Salvadoreรฑo say, "Mande?" The man in the cell pulls him in tighter and screams, "NOT MONDAY, I SAID TONIGHT!"
SandalVulvage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Means "excuse me" in a Mexican dialect of Spanish.
pocketlockett ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:13:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician said he would perform a magic trcik on the count of three. "Uno, Dos,..." And he disappeared without a tres
TheMagicalCoffin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
snort laughed! Thanks!
PandasakiPokono ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As someone is only half-way bilingual, this went right over my head.
Japellicciarini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You mean pecksi? Or Shasta?
Luis913 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I steal?
mattiscool3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:31:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love it so much
benzineee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:29:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one had me laughing a little. Then a little more a minute later. Then full blown laughter two minutes later
Horaciow14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?
Because the sign says "No Trespassing"
AnfrageUndNachgebot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody please tell the "Yes, Oui, Si, Ja." Joke. My english is too bad
hustlin_goldfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*PEXI
oberon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:30 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the short Mexican?
His friends all called him paragraph because he's too short to be a whole essay.
evinfletcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:25 on July 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it but it sounds good so take my upvote
SuperDuperTurtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:15 on July 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Dime" in Spanish means "Tell me." Since the guy speaks Spanish, he thinks the machine is instructing him to tell it what he wants. He says, "Yo quiero Pepsi," or "I want Pepsi." ;)
evinfletcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:53 on July 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great, thanks! I thought it was some play with the word 'pepsi' that meant something else in hispanic
Aqua-MGTOW ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:55:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao
hobopenguin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:22:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican gangster say when a Super America fell on top of him?
Get off me SA! (esรฉ)
LightinDark132 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:50:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I go to my Spanish speaking friend and tell him I've been learning Spanish but I'm having a bit of trouble.
I ask, "what does "no sรฉ" means in spanish.
"I don't know" he replied.
"I thought you knew Spanish!" I replied
Atemu12 ยท 6571 points ยท Posted at 22:04:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. We are efficient and don't have humor.
JalopyPilot ยท 773 points ยท Posted at 02:20:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what really grinds my gears?
Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.
Explorer3130 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:52:18 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what grinds my gears? Not throwing in the clutch far enough.
WhyIsTheMoonThere ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:23:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/suddenlyreinhardt
roo1111 ยท 3496 points ยท Posted at 00:35:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?
Just one, Germans are very efficient and not very funny.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?
Just one, Germans are very efficient and not very funny.
tendorphin ยท 1203 points ยท Posted at 02:45:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are so many of France's streets lined with trees?
Germans like to march in the shade.
caros92 ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 06:16:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic German knock-knock joke: "Knock-knock" "Who's there?" "WE ASK THE QUESTIONS!"
Delyzr ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 10:50:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"VE ASK ZE QUESTIONS" Ftfy
FoxUniverse ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:59:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ding dong
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:28:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hoo der
FoxUniverse ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:35:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
KGB
Almighty_Egg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:46:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
KGB hoo?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:25:00 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
KGB hoo hoo.
petriol ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 10:08:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Palim-palim
Another_Novelty ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:48:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eine Flasche Pommes-frites!
Burritozi11a ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, so two Germans walk into a bar...
roach_brain ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 06:58:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do french battleships have glass bottoms?
So they can see the rest of the fleet.
Skellingtoon ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:35:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Poms does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too many. The Germans never got there.
DPS-Stanky_with_an_h ยท 213 points ยท Posted at 03:46:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For sale: French rifle. Never used, only been dropped once
peter_struwell ยท 120 points ยท Posted at 05:10:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โA french tank only has a rear-view mirror, so they can always watch the battlefieldโ
PenguinMage ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 05:13:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell you're in a French car?
There are two gears for reverse.
lolidkwtfrofl ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 11:34:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do French officers learn first? Surrendering in 25 different languages.
anix421 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:09:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many gears does a French tank have? 6, 5 reverse and 1 forward.
Why one forward? In case the enemy comes from behind.
anix421 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between vanilla and french vanilla?
COWARDISM!
flagellumullum ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:53:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the whole thread this is the one that got me ๐
meatshieldjim ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 06:07:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the French flag of war? A white cross on a white background.
ThePyroPython ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:48:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Citroen just finished the new tank for the French army, the fastest it's ever had!
It's got 2 forward gears and 8 reverse.
kataris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
France sounds like Tivoli.
XeRoFoRm ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 01:52:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, that was great. Did you make it up just in response to the other guy's joke, or is this a known variant?
roo1111 ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 01:57:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I saw another variant where it was Austria, but I figured Poland would make it better.
Spaps_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And why is that? I donโt really get why Polandโs better
RabbitsOnAChalkboard ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:47:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poland is more well-established in popular media as being The Country That Gets Invaded By Germany. It makes the joke a little more on-the-nose.
Spaps_ ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:48:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Invaded yes, but thereโs more Polish people in Germany than Germans in Poland.
RabbitsOnAChalkboard ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 09:31:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke isn't that there's currently a lot of Germans in Poland, though. Any joke about Germany and Poland can usually be assumed to be referring to the past event of Germany's invasion of Poland.
Knowing how people think, this joke format has probably existed since the day the invasion began.[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because Germany invading Poland is what caused Britain and France to enter WWII. It sticks out as a key part of the war for people, and is remembered well.
dobraf ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 02:04:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
shots fired
speelmydrink ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 05:59:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not by the French.
bassmadrigal ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:42:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear Euro Disney had to cancel their firework show? The last time they launched them, the whole French army surrendered.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:41:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im not even French and that just stings man.
12muffinslater ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:44:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I MENTIONED THE WAR ONCE BUT I THINK I GOT AWAY WITH IT"
KingNewbie ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:51:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Visit Poland, your car will meet you there. (Common joke in Germany).
Jofarin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:50:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
Wootery ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:31:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. Are there a lot of Germans doing menial work in Poland?
...am I the humourless one?
MrEvilNES ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 08:54:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poland got invaded by Germany not so long ago.
Wootery ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:26:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Right, but the stereotype is for Poles to do menial work in wealthier countries like Germany and the UK, not for Germans to do menial work in Poland.
I'm all for a good invasion joke, but let's get things straight.
2livecrewnecktshirt ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 01:05:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Scots does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to drink til the room spins.
chewrocka ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 06:55:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to actually do it and two to make a documentary about it.
PatrickMcWhorter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:33 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh it's like, a really obscure number I'm sure you've never heard of before.
chewrocka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:37 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend loves that joke, she tells it in a sort of valley girl inflection
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:45:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you'll find we Scots drink equally or not at all.
tog20 ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 00:43:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"WE ASK THE QUESTIONS!"
Stormfly ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:50:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The variant I've always heard is:
hate_picking_names ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 02:45:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
Threeturtle3871 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:54:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cyanide!
IAmTheDew ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:26:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
A Brazilian.
2sixzero ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:17:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German humor, its no laughing matter.
Mister_Biscuit ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:29:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't this a quote from a ZF clan member?
2sixzero ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:38:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, it stuck in my brain. I think it was on one of the CSGO Bullshittery episodes.
Mister_Biscuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I can't quite remember which one though.
2sixzero ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:55:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just checked. Part 4
Mister_Biscuit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:06:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Watched it again, love it!
Truji11o ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 00:45:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Letโs go ride a bike!
MAHHockey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:47:43 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awww lookit the kitty!
Whomping_Willow ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 08:34:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many men's rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they use gaslighting.
aramis34143 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 02:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Recipe for German Chocolate Cake:
Step 1 - Occupy ze kitchen...
ronny_trettmann ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:15:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Instructions unclear.. got stuck in Poland
pm-me-your-areola ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like it should say "we are efficient and do not have humor". Contractions are sloppy and imprecise
mrsmeltingcrayons ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:29:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???
Martin Luther was German this was relevant
PM_ME_CATHARSIS ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:48:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a Lutheran school and this made me laugh VERY hard. Thank you
celebrating his birthday every year was a little fucking weird
onemanandhishat ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:49:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought as many as possible because many Hans make the lights work
Crouch310 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 00:18:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it would be funnier like this:
onewordnospaces ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:40:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then that would be inefficient at not having humor.
NeptunesSon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:51:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But more efficient humor.
railmaniac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eins
hans_guy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:23:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Einen
MKThomasen ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:04:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Made me giggle
Jonathan_the_Nerd ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
Approximately 1.000.
mcbain23 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:56:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, but 15 will write you a paper on coping with darkness.
Jonathan_the_Nerd ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:36:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
Silbeo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:05:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It actually takes several Germans to changeย a lightbulb.
Many Hans make light work.
Goddessemer6 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:20:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nein
Nevlach ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:14:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I pictured Dwight saying this.
RhenCarbine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:53:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German humor is serious business.
CzechMe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read Gremlins and was trying really hard to remember if it was a joke told by the smart one in 2.
MJWood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:10:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
(Glaring) One!
Esoteric_Erric ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to suck my dick.
PartTimeDuneWizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They do, it's just that German humour is no laughing matter.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eins
AnotherXRoadDeal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite on the thread. Iโm going to tell this to my German father-in-law lol
MrSlommy7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I totally read that in a German accent.
_MKUltraViolet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's because they are efficent and electricity is no laughing mater.
MasonAtor19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many car sales men does it take to change a lightbulb?
I not exactly sure, but Iโm running the numbers, and I think youโll like what you see
lukem23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
None! They use the jews!
Stooby2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It actually takes a dozen Germans.
As many Hans make light work.
irishconoros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The office๐
MAHHockey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:13 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None if it had been engineered properly...
LadyKnightmare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:33 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German humor is no laughing matter.
rustydittmar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The answer should be nein
Edit: spelling
Asmo___deus ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:27:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In German, nine is neun and no is nein. Neine is neither and fyi, neither is keines.
rustydittmar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I meant it to be the "nein" variety. I know it means no, but it sounds like "nine," so that's the joke. But you still get it, right?
Romstinator ยท -46 points ยท Posted at 00:52:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You ain't efficient when it comes to wipping out a race.
Silvernix ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:56:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who hurt you.
Wiping*
Asmo___deus ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:28:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bitch they killed six million Jews and shitton more soldiers. How efficient did you want them to be?
tjonnyc999 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:09:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But if you look at it another way - 6 million Jews killed Hitler.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:49:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a good K/D ratio for the Jews im afraid.
nmkd ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:18:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean we tried and it went quite well for a while /s
Aperture_Creator_CEO ยท -23 points ยท Posted at 00:39:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Should've said "zero we are efficient and do as our programmers coded"
I dunno it kinda seems complicated
whoiswhitenoise ยท 563 points ยท Posted at 23:51:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.
The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"
The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"
scottyrobotty ยท 428 points ยท Posted at 02:49:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A husband comes home and finds a wife furiously packing a suitcase. He asks what she's doing and she replies "I'm leaving you! I hear you can get paid $250 for a blow job in Vegas"
The man starts packing his bags and the wife asks "what are YOU doing?"
"I'm coming to Vegas too."
"what the hell for?"
"I want to see how you can live on $500 a year."
mattyice182 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:38:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Inspiring, and yet, savage.
nonpareilpearl ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:41:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
$200.05 total @ $0.05 ea is 4001... so if we say that "later that night" is really "the next morning" so she worked an 8 hour shift that means each session took a little over 7 seconds o.O If each session took 2 minutes then it would take 2 days 18 min 4 seconds, not accounting for breaks or sleep.
Avenged_Seven_Muse ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 03:35:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/theydidthemath
YouDontKnowWhoIAm_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:55:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/theydidthemonstermath
Black_N ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:26:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/itwasagraveyardgraph
t33m3r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:19:47 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At least she didnโt use the winzip business model
chandu27leon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:57:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a version of this joke where the wife's replaced with arnold from terminator and he's talking to some random guy. That always cracks me up
BodySnag ยท 7897 points ยท Posted at 22:47:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and fuck your mother.
BippyTheBeardless ยท 2385 points ยท Posted at 23:59:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How may Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
2, one to hold the light bulb and the other to hold the penis,..., I mean the ladder.
_Lady_Deadpool_ ยท 456 points ยท Posted at 04:24:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who is this rorschach guy and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
TheHealadin ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:41:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're lucky. He only shows me pictures of my dad's junk.
CrabbyBlueberry ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:00:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum.
LeftistLittleKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:05 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You okay dude? Need to talk about something?
jeffulya ยท 234 points ยท Posted at 01:31:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it has to want to change.
dramboxf ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 05:31:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Dali Lama visits NY and goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."
The hotdog vendor makes him a dog and the Dali Lama hands over $20, which the vendor pockets.
"Where's my change?" the Dali Lama asks.
"Change must come from within," says the vendor.
BlissnHilltopSentry ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 06:57:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An australian morning show host said this to the dalai lama, he cracked up while saying it, and the dalai lama had no idea why because it didn't make sense in translation.
maybe82 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:08:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wasn't that the "one with everything " joke?
Edit: Grammar
Titan897 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:01:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you read the comment they replied to?
maybe82 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:06:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a different joke
https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c
2inkdrops ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 09:25:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dali Lama then slowly pulls out his gun.
The vender goes like WTF you have a gun ???
Dali Lama tells th vendor " This is my inner piece "
jetpacksforall ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:11:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So the Dalai Lama bought a vacuum cleaner. It works great on floors, but it's terrible for upholstery. It has no attachments.
dramboxf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:38:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wish there was ASCII art for a thumbs-up.
Mklein24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:28:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So then, angered from being swindled, the Dali lama pulls out his glock and aims it at the vendor who says 'whoa calm down, what about inner peace?!'
Dali lama says 'this is my inner piece'
Jacollinsver ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:47:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof.
Verlepte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:25:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a model screw in a lightbulb? She just stands there holding it while the whole world revolves around her.
mrjawright ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 03:51:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
kurokame ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:58:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what you want to change it into.
edi24 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:36:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hold the penis, please.
Rand4m ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:40:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funny: that's what I said when I went to McDonald's, and decided to get my Big Mac vegetarian...
scratchfury ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:41:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2, but it has to be a really big light bulb.
Wolf_Protagonist ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:45:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, but it makes you wonder how they got in there.
FastFishLooseFish ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:30:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned this as
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
DJGlennW ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:04:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? Fourteen, you gotta problem with dat?
ch1burashka ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:05:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes a penis is just a penis.
howe_to_win ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:51:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just pee-ed a little I laughed so hard
ninja_cracker ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:46:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this version better:
2, one to change the lightbulb and the other to fuck the mother.
oops did I say kill the father, I meant hold the ladder.
YenOlass ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:13:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two.
DJGlennW ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:06:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I heard: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
whomp1970 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:00:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: Two to hold the giraffe by the neck, and one to stir the Jello.
DeutschLeerer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... hold the Penis.. No! Father! No! Ladder!
motonnerd ยท 235 points ยท Posted at 02:55:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it as "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother".
foxyrain ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 03:28:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As have I. I feel like this way sounds better.
motonnerd ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:30:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed - I like the a little subtlety in it!
Mattybmate ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:39:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also makes way more sense.
VanMorrisonFan ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 05:20:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's supposed to be this way because it sounds like you're saying "... and mean another."
KingNewbie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:49:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs from an old Cheers episode, Cliff Clavin chiming in.
MetalOcelot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that's the point of his joke. You expect it to be the clever example that everyone uses
ITSBLOODYGORDON ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:20:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An "Anti joke".
Like:
What's brown and sticky?
A shit.
HibigimoFitz ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:21:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love when people say this to me, because I come back with "Nonono, a Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother. An Oedipean slip is when you say one thing but fuck your mother."
brocialism ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 01:00:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What comes between fear and sex for Freud?
Funf.
Xanturrya ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 03:18:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Oedipus dislike profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
Peponator ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:09:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I'm saving this one
pm_me_your_Yi_plays ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:39:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HIER KOMMT DE SONNE
man_on_a_screen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
???
redhedinsanity ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:34:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the german word for four (vier) sounds like "fear" and the german word for six (sechs) sounds like "sex".
the german word for five is fรผnf.
man_on_a_screen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:55:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow ok thanks.....def would not have figured that out on my own
jetpacksforall ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 02:47:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better:
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother."
- Cliff Clavin
wallTHING ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:17:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah Poolhall Junkies...
-PinkFreud- ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:10:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
the_karmapolice ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 03:57:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Freudian slip is when you accidently say the wrong word during conversation, and it would kind of reveals what's on your mind. That's my understanding at least. So in this case you would hear this out loud and expect them to say, "you say one thing but mean another," but they finish with "...fuck your mother." Because Freud hypothesized that all men are subconsciously attracted to their moms, or something like that. Pretty weird but funny lol I'll be telling this one!
doomdragon10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:24 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Small detail: only freud and "psychologists" of his time believed freudian slips to reveal subconscious thoughts and desires. Modern science has disproves that
Jerlko ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:16:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More backstory behind the mother thing. Freud and his compatriots all grew up with nannies cause of their social class and so didn't develop the same sort of mother son bond other kids get, so they all ended up sort of weirdly attracted to their mothers so he basically came up with this theory to justify him wanting to fuck his mom by saying that everyone wanted to do it, he was just the only one man enough to admit it.
testoblerone ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:40:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many freudian slips does it take to run your father through with a very long sword, to then proceed to have sex with your mother while she tries to cut off your penis in order to keep it inside her forever?
The Aristocrats!
tombsar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:23:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, you just did a Freudian whip!
Dylsnick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:37:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sometimes a cigar is just a penis
Niko19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I absolutely adore this joke!
G8kpr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a variation of this (and a cleaner version) was said on Cheers when someone mentions a Freudian slip, and someone else asks "what's that?" Cliff Claven says "Oh,. that's when you say one thing, but mean a mother"
boso271 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:35:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get you, I make as many Freudian slips as the next gay
Heiruspecs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:20:12 on June 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy goes into a bar and orders a drink, making a Freudian slip as he does so.
Another patron laughs and says โwell that was a Freudian slip!โ
The first guy says โwhatโs a Freudian slip?โ
The other patron replies โitโs when you say something thatโs on your mind without meaning too. The other day I bought train tickets to Pittsburg. The lady behind the counter was quite voluptuous and so I accidentally asked for โtwo pickets to titsburgโ.โ
โOh I get it!โ Says the first guy โlike this morning when I meant to say to my wife โthanks for the eggs honeyโ and I accidentally said โbitch, you ruined my lifeโ.โ
Robotic_Pedant ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:20:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Freudian slip is when you're thinking of one word, but say a different penis, I mean word.
naddycat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:37:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
Masterofbattle13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In actual tears right now
theblazingkoala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/fastjack7
Ofcoursethiswasbad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the weekly meeting we have with everyone on my team in my office, someone has to bring a joke every time. I'm trying my hardest to talk myself out of using this one when it's my turn.
bugletrashboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say one thing but mean a mother
argjin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This cracked me up! Thank you sir!
Pottastu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're a cookie cutter Brad!
utsav3007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof, made even more fun by the fact that Sigmund Freud introduced the Oedipus complex.
doomdragon10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:24 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The oedipus complex comes from an ancient greek play (of which i cant remember the name of) it comes in the parts, the final being titled "antigone"
huntersam13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my friend always drops this: Oh, you mean a Freudian Penis... wait
CarlingAcademy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:14:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said that in an intro to psych lesson when the teacher asked if we knew what a Freudian slip was. It went right over her head and she thought I was stupid...
luminairy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This
umnikos_bots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That.
luminairy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This
umnikos_bots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:24:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That.
luminairy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And uh
PhilosopherJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those
wordsworths_bitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i like the original better
herdo1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:18:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say one thing but mean your mother
Parapolikala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:00:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can never resist saying Freudian slit, then 'correcting' myself to Freudian clit.
Sage2050 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:21:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did king Tut book an appointment with Freud? He had some latent penis issues
compa_pollo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fucking. brilliant.
ReCursing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:33:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Freudian slit? I beg your hardon?
CherryP0ppinz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is fucking brilliant
sunlituplands ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:13 on April 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL!!!
PhelanPKell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:35:31 on May 24, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke actually goes like this: "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother."
SonnyVabitch ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:56:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a Freudian slit if I ever heard one. Slip! Freudian slip!
Nilas_T ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:42:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the joke is slightly more clever and subtle if you say "... mean your mother" because only the end words sound alike. But the other version is better for comedy effect.
aMeatyTreat ยท 11861 points ยท Posted at 23:02:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A wife calls her husband and says "be careful driving home, some complete moron is driving down the wrong side of the motorway."
The husband replies "there's not just one, there's bloody hundreds of them!"
dusmeyedin ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 02:14:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The carelessness of drivers today always amazes me. This morning I overtook no fewer than five separate drivers who were all at least 30 above the speed limit.
jch1305 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rascal
ajmartin527 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:03:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
another one that might need explanation in the US. we say โI passed someoneโ, brits say โI overtook someoneโ.
dusmeyedin ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:06:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting, I say "overtook" and I've lived in the US since 2002.
bronzeNYC ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:42:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As someone born in the us and lived here my whole life, ive never heard it that way and i thought overtook meant like a cop arresting for speeding for some reason lol
dusmeyedin ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As someone born in the US to Chinese immigrants and who left to live in China when he was a kid, and who then got dropped off in a British boarding school and college until 21 before coming back to the US and shuttling between US and China for the past four years... You could be right!
dawgthebountyhunter4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OHHHHHHHHH I was never going to be able to figure out what the joke was
IsaacEiland-Hall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like there's an even better joke in here somewhere if you "undertook" them, but it turned out you were an undertaker. :)
dusmeyedin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:08:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went bobsleighing over Christmas.
I slew Bobby Fischer, Bob Marley, and Bobby Kennedy.
lurkensteinsmonster ยท 401 points ยท Posted at 02:02:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get it, the joke is he's British.
Skabella ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 02:19:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, I needed that explanation at 3am! I had no idea what was happening
notkristina ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 03:35:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait no, the joke is that he is the maniac driving against traffic
Jacollinsver ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 05:38:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
pst. (hey buddy. they're fucking with you. that's obviously not the real punchline you goob)
notkristina ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:13:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. I genuinely thought people were this bad at understanding jokes, after the poor 3 a.m. person and then the persistent corrections.
FoxUniverse ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 03:37:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No it's that he's British
notkristina ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:38:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He doesn't have to be. He's just the guy driving on the wrong side.
Laudunix ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:47:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's driving on the wrong side because he's British.
notkristina ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:49:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In other versions of this joke, he's just old. He could also be drunk.
Laudunix ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 03:57:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's old, he's drunk, and he's driving on the wrong side of the road because he's British.
PM-BABY-SEA-OTTERS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or in a Tesla.
Timothy_Claypole ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What? No the joke is he is driving in Britain on the right hand side of the road, IF he is British.
He is driving on a motorway after all.
stealth9799 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:39:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/Woosh
Tridentd818 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:14:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Made me laugh
EmeraldJunkie ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:19:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is he's a maniac.
He says "bloody" implying he's British, but his wife calls it a "motor way" implying she's British too, meaning that it's more likely the framing of the joke is British and that he's simply an idiot.
Now if the wife had said "highway" instead, or even "autobahn", then the joke would be "He's British, where they drive on the left hand side of the road", rather than "He's a moron."
just_some_guy65 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:07:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get the intended joke but it seems to be completely unknown that 78 countries/territories drive on the left including India, Japan, South Africa, Pakistan, Australia
BilboBagge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you mean?
rambosam9000 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it
Cotton_Kerndy ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 03:14:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's British. Driving down the left side instead of the right. He married a woman that lives somewhere like the US or something. That's the joke lol
alohaoy ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:09:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, clearly he's the one driving the wrong way -- but he thinks he's the only RIGHT one.
FoxUniverse ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:38:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then why did she call it a motorway and not a highway?
drakefyre ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:58:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I get it. He's American, she's British, and they live in the UK.
Notben5 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:47:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But he used the word bloody
ajmartin527 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 06:00:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs trying to fit in. Unfortunately, he never will be able to say bloody without getting laughed at by his British peers. Hence the reason heโs going full kamikaze.
crystalgecko ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:03:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's exactly the proof that says he is an American in England, he thinks that saying "bloody" sounds British when in fact it tends to sound like an American trying to sound British
simonjp ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:11:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm British and I say bloody.
crystalgecko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:36:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
May I ask where (roughly of course) you're from? The only people I have heard using the word (having lived in various places in the Midlands and North West, so maybe a limited experience) are old ladies who want to use a rude word and Americans on TV portraying or joking about us.
EmeraldJunkie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:20:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Not the guy you've asked) I'm from the Midlands (Dudley, living in Wolverhampton) and I hear bloody all the time. When I was in primary school a kid in my class got told off for using the word bloody in something he wrote for English.
simonjp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:24:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The South-east, home counties. So yeah, perhaps that's part of it. Plus I reserve Big Swears for big things, so I like having a mid-range swearword.
Notben5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True. A British is more likely to use Fucking rather than Bloody.
TZ_1035 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They're both British who's recently moved to the USA.
Bellmaster ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 01:34:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this before, but never with the โbloodyโ in it. Really adds to it.
Deathlord291 ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 01:53:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As an Australian I've always heard it as "hundreds of the crazy cunts". I guess it's regional.
AlaskanPsyche ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 02:33:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, you can't say that in the US.
John_Dee_007 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 07:03:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As an Australian who lived in the US for a while I was basically the only person I knew who could use "cunt" several ways in conversation and get away with it, purely because of my accent, delivery and context. It was fucking hilarious watching my American friends try and say it and get super uncomfortable.
bronzeNYC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:39:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would be uncomfortableabout it in your context? Weird friends
John_Dee_007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not weird just Americans so they don't use it descriptively in regular conversation the way I sometimes do because it has more offensive connotations there. Although they're perfectly comfortable saying motherfucker, which when you think about it literally should probably be more offensive than just another word for vagina, and yet motherfucker is not all that offensive really. It's just cultural differences.
apache2158 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:37:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's illegal.
dlucre ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:51:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not with that attitude.
[deleted] ยท -43 points ยท Posted at 02:39:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:51:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's your opinion on people calling someone a "spaz," out of curiosity? Because that's not an offensive word over here, but I'm given to understand that it's really fucking awful elsewhere.
But hey, maybe everyone else is just "being a bunch of sensitive twats."
Sauceeeey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm from Canada and that's perfectly fine as far as I'm aware
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:53:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's mainly offensive in the UK, and possibly Australia. I think it has to do with cerebral palsy or something.
Bigman675 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:35:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would you say the n word? Some words are offensive to some groups and thatโs ok
John_Dee_007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As an Aussie, "bloody" also works, but yeah "crazy cunts" sounds much better.
laurenbug2186 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:15:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read the joke in a British accent.
alcoholic_stepdad21 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh mercy me I forgot I'm driving in the colonies
UrinalCake777 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:35:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather used to tell a story in which he saw a car driving the wrong way down the street. He honked his horn repeatedly to which the other driver replied by raising his middle finger out of the window. As they passed each other, my grandfather got a good look at the other driver. He looked on in disbelief as his father/my great grandfather passed him on the wrong side of the road, middle finger raised high. Those guys were characters for sure.
HardlightCereal ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:43:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get it, the joke is he's american
nullpassword ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:53:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The guy I stopped trying to get on the off ramp had his wife in the car with him.
Vegetas_Swimmers ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:16:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forgot cell phones were real for a sec
BoosaTheSweet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This actually happened to my dadโs uncle a few weeks after he moved from Scotland to Canada. A close friend of mine told us the story as soon as we introduced them to each other. My friend said my dadโs uncle was yelling at him while they nearly avoided a collision. My dadโs uncle insists to this day that my friend was the one driving the wrong way. Iโm not sure who to believe ๐ค
Niebling ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to joke aswell:)
G8kpr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this as a Newfie joke.
"A Newfie was driving down the highway when a news report came on his radio warning drivers on his highway to watch out for an idiot driving down the wrong side of the road. The newfie laughed and said to himself "one idiot, they're all doing it!"
dick_inspector ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:46:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm embarassed how long that took me.
BookOfNopes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:53:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this before but it was the wife who was driving wrong. The world was much more sexist those days
Pinglenook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always tells this joke! And every time a radio program in the car is interrupted to announce a wrong way driver on the high way, he says"that guy must be thinking: ONE wrong way driver?!"
DaCheeseBall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn brits.
thrwwoof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:41:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If she told him he had to watch out, that would mean the car driving illegally would be going away from his house. ๐ค
agentlame ยท -17 points ยท Posted at 02:16:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting, as this joke would have to less that ~20-years-old to make sense. Most of the other top jokes are somewhat timeless, or work over at least a century.
juicehouse ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:12:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the tip. I'll have to skip this one when I'm making my list of jokes to tell when I travel back in time.
ajmartin527 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:05:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was close, dude saved you some serious embarrassment
dlucre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:51:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Name checks out.
Christopho377 ยท 14994 points ยท Posted at 23:43:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says โIโm sorry, but I just canโt hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?โ
The captain says โarr, โtwas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg.โ
The man goes โThat sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?โ
The captain says โarr, โtwas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.โ
The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.
The Captain says โarr, โtwas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eyeโ
The man says โand thatโs how you lost your eye?โ
The captain responds โno, but twas me first day with the hookโ
NeuroTittie ยท 3148 points ยท Posted at 02:31:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was the fish a red herring?
Scottamus ยท 325 points ยท Posted at 03:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy mackerel, I think youโre on to something!
MARKLUKEALEXANDER ยท 196 points ยท Posted at 04:36:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that Ohio is the only US state that does not share a letter in common with the word 'mackerel'?
colonel_raleigh ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 05:42:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
brain explodes
yakimawashington ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 06:18:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'Twas his first day on reddit...
RobAmory ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 06:26:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...And all through the house...
ItsssssMeeeee ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 06:28:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...no coursework was stirring...
[deleted] ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 07:38:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...because of his mouse...
thesuper88 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:07:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... His grades were all slipping...
Laz0r_dick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He couldnt hope to find a spouse
lannfann ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:36:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He didn't desire for cuteness in animated objects but......
super_aardvark ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:45:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...knew how to tell would-be internet poets that they have absolutely no sense of meter.
Hates_escalators ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 06:08:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for subscribing to Ohio facts! Did you know that the first car crash in Ohio involved the only two cars in the state at the time?
CluelessNonAmerican ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 08:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But I wanted mackerel facts!
civicgsr19 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 09:00:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for subscribing to mackerel facts!
Mackerels swim in large schools that can stretch up to 20 miles in length!
Reply MORE FACTS for more.
natybug1401 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:05:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MORE FACTS
civicgsr19 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 09:22:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you !
Did you know that Macklemore's real name is Ben Haggerty?
Reply MORE FACTS for more wacky Macklemore facts!
Myschly ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:58:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot.
overlycompetitiv ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:22:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MORE FACTS
civicgsr19 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:06:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you !
Did you know Makaveli is Tupac Shakur's stage name after 2Pac which he used in the last album he recorded before he died (The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory).
Reply MORE FACTS for more outrageous Makaveli facts!
Hates_escalators ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blub blub! Did you know that mackerels can live up to 25 years in the wild?
mctomtom ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:18:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you know that? That's like an extra-fun fact.
MARKLUKEALEXANDER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:22:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the lesser known Reddit-facts that get recycled. Used to be popular about three or four years ago.
ethnnnnnn ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:51:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
iowa
KoreanMeatballs ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:00:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow
ethnnnnnn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
issa joke
KoreanMeatballs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
ethnnnnnn ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:18:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
bc what i said isnโt true and iowa does share a letter with mackerel. tbh i originally thought iowa didnโt share any letters but then i realized i was trippin so i posted it as a joke
iโm tired okay haha
Mydicksobigipooponit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to double check and thought I was missing something
ethnnnnnn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:30:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lmao
MARKLUKEALEXANDER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:20:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A
Cotton-Taco ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 03:30:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That pun was a little fishy..
Aidanjmccarthy ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 03:37:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come now, there's a time and plaice for everything. Let's not flounder about with puns.
FossilizedGiraffe ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:41:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sea what you did there.
cujonz ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:50:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think we're all just doing this for the halibut now.
uncleawesome ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:53:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke, you have to mullet.
Rebe1Scum ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:13:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cod damn, that one...
Soundvo1ume ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:22:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The puns in this thread are getting more and more crappie.
Aidanjmccarthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:13 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'pon my sole you're right
Tacocats_wrath ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:57:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You dont have to be a bass about it.
nagarjunabaudrillard ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:36:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God this is making me eel.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:50:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AnNibba ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:21:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is some fin of a story.
Hates_escalators ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He who denied it, supplied it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:31:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Hates_escalators ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have failed as a Reddit or
klow9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or what?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:10:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think he did it on porpoise.
Littlebigreddit50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
holy herring
Zorglorfian ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 03:56:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me, we need to get the Quagmires out of there... There's no airholes...
SingleInfinity ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:42:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who knows, but his story surely is a series of unfortunate events.
NewtGringo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:51:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
?
TheWillyWonkaofWeed ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:16:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a part from A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix.
lepetomane13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As told by Al Funcoot!
SingleInfinity ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:18:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My comment might have been a red herring.
SteveRogerRogers ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:35:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you watch a series of unfortunate events season 2 recently?
djpokeboy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it any good? Enjoyed the books, disliked the film after reading the books :P
killinmesmalls ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:17:37 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know you commented this 2 days ago but the Netflix series I'd actually really awesome and it stars Neil Patrick Harris.
SteveRogerRogers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:38 on April 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The show is very campy and silly, but if you have nostalgia for it it's interesting to see the book sorta accurately realized. Though I wish it was darker like the books.
lepetomane13 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 06:06:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deleted
CarlWheeser15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:53:01 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This deserves gold.
NeuroTittie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:50:47 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks I try
splendic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
slow clap
AhoyThereFancypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A red herring with a hook hand.
MAHHockey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:44 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, as was communism
vetscholar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
[deleted] ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 05:19:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Keegan320 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the newbie pirate assumed he was a captain because of the missing limbs and eye, since stereotypically, maimed pirates are experienced. That's another level of the joke, he actually suffered all 3 injuries in his first 3 days
Also, moral*. Morale is the general mood, like "troop morale was low".
I'm not trying to be a dick
SometimesSheGoes ยท 136 points ยท Posted at 03:45:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.
As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"
To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's been drivin' me nuts."
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:59:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just laughed and sighed at the same time
IsaacEiland-Hall ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:08:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it more along the lines of him asking, "Doesn't that bother you?" "Aye, it drives me nuts!"
fermentedpuppy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:20:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And me one eyed fish
e-numbers ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:39:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is being at see different than being at sea?
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:10:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No they are exactly the same. Thats why its interchangable.
e-numbers ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:24:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sea..
aquacrusher ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:23:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Naarrrrr
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 03:10:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why a one-eyed fish?
BuckFurke ยท 106 points ยท Posted at 03:25:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arrrrr matey. 'Twas my first day writing a joke and needed to have an identifiable fish to continue the narrative arrrrrrrrrrrr.
PanamaMoe ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:01:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno, it works well though, it makes it seem like he is building up a fish tale like most seamen would do to pass the time.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:08:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pass the time, you say? Seamen, you say?
PanamaMoe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:29:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mhm, sometimes they go bird watching too, weather permitting. Their favorite bird is the swallow.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:48:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ay guv, my favourite birds swallow too.
Sipstaff ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:56:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a misleading cue, making you guess the punchline has something to do with it. When the actual punchline comes, it's a bit more unexpected, which adds to the humour (not for everyone, though).
im1nsanelyhideousbut ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:16:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whale oil beef hooked
MintyTuna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HAH
a935member ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 03:24:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yo.. I don't get it
[deleted] ยท 104 points ยท Posted at 03:33:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
a935member ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:36:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhh. This is actually funny!
avefelix ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:34:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
R u a robot?
a935member ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:47:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Goddamn captchas preventing me from accessing my favorite websites!
avefelix ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:48:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I knew it
Robert_Pawney_Junior ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:06:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NEGATIVE, DEFINITELY NO ROBOTS IN THE VICINITY. starts nervoushumanlaughter.exe
ArrShoe ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
took me a sec...but the captain is saying that his third day at sea was also the first day he got the hook installed and so he still hadn't gotten used to the fact that he had a sharp pointy thing where his hand used to be. so basically he took his own eye out when he instinctively went to go wipe the bird shit out of his eye.
lol
InQuizADoor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:54:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite
Sandpaper_Pants ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:10:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There once was a pirate named Bates, Who rambled around on skates. He fell on his cutlass, Which left him quite nutless, And perfectly useless on dates.
Myroplyrodon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:34:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine that pirate got a butler. He'd forever be "Master Bates".
booyoukarmawhore ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:29:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But patches were worn over good eyes so one eye was dark adapted for when the pirate had to go below deck on their target ships
MetalIzanagi ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:36:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that just mean you were covering up your one good eye, since you were blind in the other?
Arcusico ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:21:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What he's saying is that both eyes are good and it doesn't matter which one you wear your patch on. Once you go below decks, you switch it and baby, you've got a stew going.
darkflame91 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:24:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder if they ever suddenly look at their hook, suddenly remember they don't have a hand anymore and go, "I'M A MONSTEEERRR"
Gains4months ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a myth. Even if you only expose one eye to light. Both eyes will narrow. Try it sometime on a friend with a penlight. That's why doctor's do this to patients they suspect may have a concussion. If you do have a concussion then the eyes won't do it properly.
Google 'pupillary light reflex' for more information.
booyoukarmawhore ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 03:48:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good try. But Im sitting an ocular physiology examination next week.
What you say is true, that's the consensual pupil response, but that's not the main component of dark adaptation.
While the pupillary light reflex is the quick part of dark adaptation, it only accounts for 1.3 log units of increase in light sensitivity. Dark adaptation of cone photoreceptors takes slightly longer (5 mins) and adds another 1-2 log units. Dark adaptation of rod photoreceptors takes 30minutes and accounts for a majority of adaptation (approx 3-4 log units.
google dark adaptation curve for more information.
George_XIII ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:04:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn.
Prince_Edward_IV ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:11:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
try it. close one eye for a while and then turn the lights off. your closed eye will be able to see soooo much better
edit: be sure to open the closed eye after you turn the lights off or you wont see at all
D1pSh1t__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was wondering why it was that dark!
Paragade ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:13:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So why is it that when I'm on my phone in bed, with one half of my face covered by the pillow, I can look at the phone fine but if I turn over and look at the phone with my other eye that's been in the dark the whole time it's unbearably bright?
HyperShadow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because the dark adapted eye has a much greater sensitivity to light, so the phone's screen appears much brighter.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 04:09:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh is that why? Hmmm real interesting. /s
Anakinstasia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god this is my go-to joke too!!
scyth3s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Genius
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:22:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The pirate should have seen that hook coming ๐
tonypalmtrees ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:37:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is the best one
UvaroviteKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:14:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! This is the best joke in this comments section!! X'D
Dankmemeator ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:25:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You from the SoT thread?
funkyguy09 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:01:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just wondering that myself
ThePrompting ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
MetalIzanagi ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 03:36:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bird pooped in the pirate's eye, so he reached over to wipe it away but forgot that he now had a hook instead of a normal hand. Hook to eye.
KatagatCunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg Thank you. Haha I was thoroughly confused
Socialist-heathen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my Dads favorite joke, too. Automatically read it in his voice.
haterherren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Give this man a beer
x407 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so does kill the bird with the hook orrrr
FeelsKnight ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:54:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goes to clean eye, doesn't realize has hook for hand, fucks it up.
x407 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, oof that was hard for me
CaptnMerica1776 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for this. Will be using it at the RenFair this weekend. Itโs Pirates weekend...
Morgarath-Deathcript ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It has come to be my belief that you can't have a funny joke without going through at least two sentences. Thanks!
adoely ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my gosh, freakin belly laugh right there. Saved!
ColorsLikeSPACESHIPS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the first jokes I ever remember learning to tell. I used a shark, but I like the giant one eyed fish better.
frankiesimon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to use this one.
Spearmintify ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in the voice of the captain from The Simpsons
Crazy8burger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it..:(
Jagang187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:08:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one that's actually made me burst into laughter
uncletouchy269521805 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:52:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's from a movie
Troyster94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saving this for later
Youngster-wrapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:42:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for this it genuinely made me laugh
PatrickMcWhorter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:53:25 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
rolls eyes "is it 'R'?"
Tomato_Joker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For some weird reason i read the pirate captain's words in Mr. Krabs voice.
TheChaiTeaTaiChi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:12:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Repost from within the week... copy pasta!
461weavile ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 02:40:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You do know that "sea" is spelled with an "A," right?
DanhatesFlan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:11:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a joke within a joke.
461weavile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. What am I missing?
voicefromthecloset ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 03:11:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You do know that commas come after the "quotations", right? Sorry, I couldn't resist, lol. They probably got autocorrected.
StarOriole ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:12:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not according to Strunk & White.
-FoeHammer ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:15:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not how I was taught. We were told to write, "quotations," like this. With a comma on both sides and the second one being within the quotation marks. And personally I think it looks better.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
eruditionfish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:14:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Bluebook says to put commas and periods inside quotation marks.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
eruditionfish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:39:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh you're talking about the extra comma before the first quotation mark? Yeah, that's weird.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
eruditionfish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:49:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got it. I see what you're saying and agree.
-FoeHammer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:50:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
/u/eruditionfinish /u/EJ2H5Suusu
Check rule #4. That's what I'm talking about. Apparently it's an American English thing.
I wasn't taught incorrectly. It's just a regional difference.
I probably do use it incorrectly in some situations. I was really good in language arts but I've been out of school for like 6 years now so this sort of thing just almost never comes up in my daily life.
eruditionfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. That's the only source I've seen recommending that style. Carry on, then. I'm going to stick with no lead-in commas for my part.
Edit: I have no problem with Rule 4. It's Rule 3a I find odd. I would introduce quotes with either a colon or no punctuation (other than a question mark).
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
-FoeHammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would never put a comma between the period and quotation mark at the end. I only meant quotes in the middle of a sentence.
So yeah, I would've said:
Adam Smith concludes, "labour, therefore, is the real measure of the exchangeable value of all commodities."
Or I would've led with a colon. Like this:
Adam Smith concludes: "Labour, therefore, is the real measure of the exchangeable value of all commodities.
Anyway, clearly my punctuation is rusty. As I said I've been out of school for a while now and brushing up on punctuation just isn't part of my daily life. In school I was always in AP language arts. I was a good student believe it or not. You may not intend it but the way you explained things comes across as really condescending. But thanks for the info.
Asks-Silly-Question ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ew.
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where are you from? I was going to assume commas being inside was an American thing, and you were probably British, but I have a British copy of Half-Blood Prince, and commas were inside quotation marks in there, too.
voicefromthecloset ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:48 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maine, U.S. Apparently they are teaching me wrong in my proofreading class, idk.
voicefromthecloset ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:55 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maine, U.S. Apparently they are teaching me wrong in my proofreading class, idk.
Quail_eggs_29 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:17:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah the deal with that is printers used to put the comma inside the parentheses, as it was easier to do. This didnโt make sense however, and once it was no longer easier to do most of the world went back to doing it the way that, at least imo, makes more sense. America didnโt tho. So in American schools weโre taught that the comma goes inside the quotes, so thus guy was doing it right. I fight with my prof abt it all the time because it makes no fucking sense inside ๐๐
461weavile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sarcasm? They might in your native language, but not in mine.
radioactivejackal ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:25:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only in England. In the states commas and periods come before the final quotation mark.
voicefromthecloset ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:12 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. I'm talking a college level course on proofreading and final editing right now in the United States. They drilled it into our heads that commas always come after the quotation mate, but I guess not everyone learns the same thing ยฏ\(ใ)/ยฏ
sackchat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:10:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol taken from the top comment from the sea of thieves controller giveaway post.. word for word almost. Nice karma haul though
Christopho377 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:03:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt play sea of thieves, and I never said it was my joke. The post just asked for go to jokes and this is my go to joke
Itstartedin1990 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate pirate jokes.
ImDankest ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's your 'go to'?
matty6483 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:56:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty long for a 'go-to' joke
Steampunkery ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
riemann3sum ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It may be because I'm tired but I don't get it. The bird defecates in the pirate's eye but that isn't the reason he loses his eye. But on the day the bird defecates in the pirate's eye, he gets his hook for his arm that's been missing a hand for 1 day. Why is that the day he got a hook hand? What's the correlation between his faulty eye and the hook hand? (I was thinking he scratched his eye with the hook but that doesn't seem to be the case).
Tooshortimus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:04:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He stabbed his eye with the hook.
riemann3sum ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:19:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
because it was his first day WITH the hook. I thought his first day with his hook and the day the bird shit on his face were two different days.
glider97 ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 05:08:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good joke! It might work better if you continued the narrative of the giant one-eyed fish.
BookOfNopes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:52:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the fish is there for misleading
glider97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:17:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know. I was suggesting that the audience be misled for a longer duration, so that the punchline is abrupt and juxtaposed.
dabcabc ยท 16196 points ยท Posted at 21:47:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I stand corrected, said the man in the orthopaedic shoes
Galt2112 ยท 5814 points ยท Posted at 23:54:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of my all time favorite Onion headline:
Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on a technicality
HugzNStuff ยท 3441 points ยท Posted at 01:19:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My absolute favorite followed closely by:
Police race to the scene of a car alarm.
and
CIA realizes it's been using black highlighters all these years.
fideldownlow ยท 1894 points ยท Posted at 01:34:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Special olympics T-Ball stand pitches perfect game" is probably my favorite one, but those are hilarious too
theAlpacaLives ยท 231 points ยท Posted at 03:34:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If we're quoting favorite Onion articles: Texas Builds Border Wall to Keep Out Unwanted Americans. A few years old, but still hilarious.
ttchoubs ยท 318 points ยท Posted at 04:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seagull with diarrhea barely makes it to crowded beach on time
cr3amy ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 04:58:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High
dltalbert84 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 10:49:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk you Are
michael_satt ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:27:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pope forgives molested children
DuffMcLargeHuge ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:13:45 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not exactly right, but too lazy to look it up: "14 year old in Sudan has mid life crisis"
AndrewPlaysPiano ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 04:21:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jumping on board with "South Side Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer"
AlpacaBull ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:42:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.
will4531 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:54:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pls help, I'm too stupid
Skullhunter ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:00:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People pronouncing "ask" as "aks" (or in this case, "axe" murderer)
jsvejk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:03:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think (please correct me if I'm wrong), it's a play on ask/aks (axe). In African-American English (or at least stereotypes of it), 'ask' is pronounced 'aks', which this headline inverts.
will4531 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit I'm fucking stupid.
iwbwikia_ ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 11:42:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't tell if this comment is borderline racist, racist or not at all...๐ค๐ค
Couldn't you have just said "English slang" ๐๐?
jsvejk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:26:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ack that's certainly not how I wanted to come across. The original joke referred to the South Side, which is known for a high density African-American population and also African-American English (AAE) is accepted linguistic terminology referring to the variety and repertoire of American English spoken by the demographic in question
xTheMaster99x ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He stated what the stereotype is; he didnโt use it himself. Try again.
iwbwikia_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try what again?
wachet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:01:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HugzNStuff ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:24:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one has me in tears.
tandemtactics ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:48:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths
mentaljewelry ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:52:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
mattaugamer ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:19:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God some of their takes are savage
Olympian78 ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 04:03:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Midget fortune teller escapes prison: police warns citizens that a small medium is at large."
ObscureCulturalMeme ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:25:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That predates the Onion by decades though; I'm an old man and I remember my father telling a variation of that joke when I was a small child.
fpoiuyt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:39:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not an Onion headline.
Homebrewingislife ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 06:28:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
North Korea detonates 40 years of GDP.
nodnarb232001 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:23:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one is amazing. My favorite would have to be "Sony Unveils Stupid Piece of Shit that Doesn't Fucking Work"
The_Proper_Gentleman ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one though...
ockyyy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:41:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That took me longer than it should have
ooo_yoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's my favorite too
Appetite4destruction ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:03:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs my favorite too. And itโs ancient, too.
RSJW404 ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 03:32:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
GODDAMN that's fucked up! LMFAO! Going to hell, you are - Yoda
LeadInMyHead ยท 172 points ยท Posted at 02:45:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My atf, โIs the government spying on schizophrenics enough?โ
ucbiker ยท 342 points ยท Posted at 02:05:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is โ18-year old Soldier Fighting in Afghanistan has 9/11 Explained to Him by Older Soldierโ. What makes it worse is that was published in 2012.
Awestruck3 ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 03:27:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oof when satire hits close to home
tandoori_fury ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 08:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
like a plane crashing into a skyscraper
TheMysteriousMid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poe was right
riboslavin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:45:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it was Duffel Blog that ran "Private to inherit patrol route his father once drove"
ttblue ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:53:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh I don't quite understand this one, apart from it being sad.
limukala ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 12:40:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
9/11 is the reason the US invaded Afghanistan, but has now been there so long that the soldiers deployed there donโt even remember the original event.
Raininheaven ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:46:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went back and watched the episode of Howard Stern that was going on live as 9/11 was happening. I was in 6th grade when it happened. It's really wild going back and hearing people reacting to it as it happened. You kind of forget how crazy everything was.
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 10:55:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DontBeerTheReaper ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:39:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guys this is supposed to be a joke thread. Quit with the feels.
ttblue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember seeing it on TV on the other side of the world too. I was 9. My parents were just gaping in horror. My uncle lived in NYC. That was so surreal; I felt really weird seeing something so unbelievable on TV. I think people of all ages felt the same way.
I figured that the headline was a joke of some kind. But it's more a comment on the sad state of affairs, which is what I first thought it was.
Laimbrane ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 03:18:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Backstreet Boys Become Backstreet Men in Backstreet Ritual
Alcohorse ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 02:57:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I liked the one when Jerry Garcia died: "Head Deadhead Dead"
Or when Gene Siskel died: "Ebert Victorious"
Pubert_Turdley ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 04:49:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about the one with a picture of Obama and the headline "black man asks nation for change"
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 05:38:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Vertigo666 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:07:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Black Man Out of Work"
Anyna-Meatall ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 03:23:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Ninja Parade Slips Unnoticed Through Town Once Again"
[deleted] ยท 117 points ยท Posted at 02:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Area Man Is Ardent Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
UnderwaterArborist ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 02:32:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"National Funk Congress deadlocked on get up/get down issue"
"Scientists prove: babies are stupid"
buzzsawjoe ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 02:28:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Army news headline: Privates United in Marriage
boxer_santaros_2020 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:16:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โLaura Bush noisily devours infantโ was always my favorite
GeckoDeLimon ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 04:20:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For me, my most memorable was their first issue back after 9/11. The headline was simply:
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT"
Because...yeah, that summed it up pretty well.
Canerbry ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 10:15:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hijackers Surprised to Find Themselves in Hell" was gold
beka13 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:13:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They kept that in the sidebar for a very long time, too.
mefford_howell ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:02:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the police one.
HugzNStuff ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 03:16:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's mostly because folks don't really think of car alarms as an alarm, rather just a nuisance. I've never had an experience with a car alarm going off where a crime was actually being committed. So the idea that the police are frantically scrambling in response to one is brilliant.
FreeInformation4u ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 03:29:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well...mildly humorous. "Brilliant" is overselling it more than a bit.
HugzNStuff ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:39:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To each their own.
WBizarre ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go-to: seagull with diarrhea barely makes it to crowded beach in time
bestoboy ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 07:29:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my favorite is "School bully not so tough after getting molested"
ZXDarkblade ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:52:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The CIA one is probably my favorite of all time.
ShittyShittyNameName ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 02:39:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After 30 years, man finally gives up on search for self
TheMobHasSpoken ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:52:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is "Nation's Dog Owners Demand To Know Who's A Good Boy."
TR-BetaFlash ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 03:50:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs almost as good as when Bushโs daughter turned 18. โJenna Bushโs Federally-Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drillingโ.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:44:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow lol
ironspyder13 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:54:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
UpVote for the CIA joke
tandoori_fury ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:52:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'Frito-Laysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan'
Splask ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:36:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing will ever beat "Twisted Sister Now Willing to Take it." for me.
chairitable ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:07:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is the first joke that this never happens?
Morgeno ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:18:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yah
carmillivanilli ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:42:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Area Man Goes and Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus
janzeera ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:13:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That second one got me. Lol. Ty
cavlub ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:57:15 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They can never top this one: "Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia dies after a 30 year battle with social progress," posted within hours of his death.
mattaugamer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:18:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bargain hunter becomes the bargain hunted
Bioniclegenius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:35:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Foot Heads Arms Body"
SsurebreC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:39:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Airplane crashes in cemetary, hundreds of bodies discovered.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:44 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite from "de Speld" (Dutch Onion) after Dutch hooligans were wreaking havoc in Rome:
"Rotterdam architects create beautiful new Roman ruins."
PacoTreez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
?
Eparkn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can anyone explain the car alarm joke?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the police one ๐
Chefaholic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:53 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Top Cute"
stroberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:53 on May 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is:
"Youngest person in the world, just born"
dgerdem ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 01:48:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the similarly great " Standard deviation no longer enough for perverted statistician" from the Onion.
maughangl ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:57:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Came all the way down here solely to find this one.
Galt2112 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:05:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man Iโd forgotten about that one. So good.
XanderTheGhost ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 04:45:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite Onion article is easily:
God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Little Boy. "No," says God.
findallthebears ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:22:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"the equivalent of four Americans died in Iraq today"
bonforte ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:03:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also, โDisgruntled Kelloggโs Employee Cums In Specially Marked Boxesโ
sickmission ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:27:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I personally love:
Field-Trip Mishap Fulfills Child's Wish To Be Oscar Mayer Wiener
not_ray_not_pat ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:13:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like that one and "Supreme Court overturns car"
KushDingies ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:33:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was always a big fan of "man unknowingly buys lifetime supply of condoms". With a picture of a guy buying a 3 pack.
joie007 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is "Standard Deviation not Enough for Perverted Statistician."
RidiculousIncarnate ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ONN video about the Stupid Piece of Shit That Doesnt Fucking Work never fails to make laugh till I'm in tears.
https://youtu.be/8AyVh1_vWYQ
And this - https://youtu.be/9BnLbv6QYcA
Jfc - https://youtu.be/OIoWVm2jkxM
Edit: My life has just become Onion videos again.
Ghost_touched ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:00:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Decision to ask out girl made using ten-sided die.
NedDasty ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:18:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Foot Heads Arms Body
Capnshiner ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:23:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cannonballing Into Traffic: The Silent Killer
Poopy_pickup_artist ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:34:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody stole all the toilets from the police station. The cops have nothing to go on.
obsolete_filmmaker ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:28:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite: "Republicans, Dadaists declare war on Art". So classic
FrankFurter67 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:26:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs also: standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician
Z0MGbies ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:07:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one in the comments to make me giggle/that I hadn't heard
delmuerte ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:30:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Man in headlock just wanted to party."
Wootywootman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:16:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not the onion, but saw a headline for an article about a man who was appointed chair of some weapons committee or some shit: "Foote to head arms body."
plastic-superhero ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:51:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine has to be โMassive earthquake wipes out Etchasketchistanโ
Left_of_Center2011 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:35:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine was โKuwait deploys troopโ along with a picture of one soldier standing in an empty field.
cygne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another great Onion one:
Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician
scothc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:29:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I miss getting free copies of the onion. The only newspaper I'd ever read
luxii4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:07:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is something like, "Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs - Oh Shit Says Humanity".
narcolepso ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was an NPR show about the writing process at the Onion, and my favourite one was ultimately rejected, even though it was of the only ones got a laugh when it was pitched:
โGay Retard Teasedโ
Arsinoei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:14:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐ป๐๐ป๐๐ป๐๐ป
carinishead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite Onion headline: https://politics.theonion.com/black-guy-asks-nation-for-change-1819569703
Burritozi11a ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not from The Onion, but from my university's joke publication:
Chemist trips on acid, drops base
SecretSinner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:42 on May 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trophy Wife Mounted
VerbableNouns ยท 1763 points ยท Posted at 22:41:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man as he picked up the hammer and saw.
Martin_Vs_Hacker ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 23:56:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I herd that." said the deaf shepherd, pointing to his flock.
Why_Is_This_NSFW ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 00:04:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
The deaf policeman heard the noise
Came out and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Ashybuttons ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:16:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They lived on the corner in the middle of the block, on the second floor of an empty lot.
Why_Is_This_NSFW ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 00:29:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neat, hadn't heard that one:
None_of_my_jellyroll ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:01:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a Harry Mcclintock song with similar lyrics
"Good evening sir the woman said and her eyes were bright with tears
As she put her head beneath her feet and stood that way for years
Her children six were orphans, except one tiny tot
Who lived in the house across the street above a vacant lot."
BanMeBabyOneMoreTime ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:10:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Late one morning in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
They stood back to back and faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
Ran and killed those two dead boys
If you don't believe this story is true
Ask the blind man; he saw it too
pm_me_your_Yi_plays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's very similar to the Dumb Ways To Die song
onlineworms ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:43:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is this, Final Fantasy?
Avalanche2500 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:41:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just saw this quoted recently in a movie or TV show. Didn't realize it was a quote until now. Marvel's Punisher on Netflix, I think. It was apt.
ReCursing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:49:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As I was going up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today,
Oh how I wish he'd go away!
_Purple_Tie_Dye_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was t my brother and my secret password to our fort before it was invaded by the worst possible thing; girls.
can425 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:21:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also - I see said the blind man peeing into the wind. It's all coming back to me now.
kane2742 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:37:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wasn't sure if I remembered how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
zerovin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:51:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"But then it hit me" would be better i think
kane2742 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But the defining trait of a boomerang is that it returns when you throw it. I have heard a similar one, though: I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
zerovin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but if you forget how to throw a boomerang, and do it wrong, it won't come back.
ghostaly ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:46:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This has been my dad's go-to joke for my entire life. At this point, it carries the weight of some ancient proverb than it does humor.
WannieTheSane ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:59:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad is a wonderful weirdo and always said "I see said the paralysed blind man as he took a step"
I didn't even know what the actual saying was until I was in my 20s probably.
duckieofd00m ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same here!!
ChefJohnson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see, said the blind man to the deaf woman as he walked into a tree.
Lips2227 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see, said the blind man to his deaf wife over the phone.
deFleury ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aww, I haven't heard that in years, my mom's version was "l see...said the blind man, talking to the deaf man, on the telephone."
notgayinathreeway ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see said the blind bus driver to the deaf school children.
uUpSpEeRrNcAaMsEe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard that one earlier today!
Stefalumpagus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:53:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see I see said the blind man to his deaf daughter when he picked up his hammer and saw
This was my dads version.
offBrandon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better rhythm. I like it.
DieselDetBos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:10:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While his crippled son runs out the front door
Alsandr ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:14:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see," said the blind man as he peed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."
RS177 ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 23:10:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand.
sarah-xxx ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 23:14:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saw : Tool
Saw : see-saw-seen
Picked up the hammer and saw : First thought would be the tool, but he said " I see!" So, saw he could be a verb
fartsoccermd ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:18:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think itโs more a play on tenses.
sarah-xxx ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 23:19:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It does. You just need to see it the way he saw it :)
Putnum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:40:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was blind but now I have a hammer and saw.
onewordnospaces ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:58:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:28:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and why a hammer
Wolf_Protagonist ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:16:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'"I see!" said the blind man as he picked up his saw.' doesn't work as well.
Also the hammer bit let's you know that it's the tool 'saw' and not that he had been miraculously cured of his blindness.
ripyourbloodyarmsoff ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:39:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reading your comment made me notice for the very first time that the name for a piece of playground equipment is also two tenses of that verb: see-saw.
tonypalmtrees ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:45:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you see them then you saw them
flapanther33781 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You sure know your tools.
swales8191 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:22:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Picked up the hammer, and saw.
megacookie ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:16:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a double entendre. "Picked up the hammer and saw" first seems like it means he picked up two tools, but in the context of a blind man gaining sight, he picked up the hammer and saw (as in to see something).
SOwED ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:17:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" is something you can say in conversation to show acknowledgement or understanding of what was just said. It has nothing to do with sight, but "'I see,' said the blind man" makes one immediately think a blind man is saying he can visually see.
A similar thing is done with the second part, as "saw" is a tool but also is the past tense of "to see," so it could mean a blind man picked up two tools, a saw and a hammer, it could also men he picked up a hammer and had his vision restored.
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:23:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
frogger2504 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:10:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probs because it isn't a joke, it's just a silly play on words.
SOwED ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:12:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it's wordplay, not a joke.
Canadianspaniard ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 00:36:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grammar Nazi alert๐
SOwED ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Using the wrong word for something isn't grammar ๐๐๐
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
itโs about as original as the person in the group who says something like โsounds fishy to me!โ at a seafood restaurant.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw
cooash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I 2nd this
SealTheLion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see!" said the blind man who picked up the hammer and saw [for the first time since going blind].
fourleggedostrich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We're going full Tim Vine!
PissedItsNotButter ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:41:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? Nobody's gonna go for round two?
"A-ha!" Said the dumb man, as he picked up the wheel and spoke.
VerbableNouns ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:57:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"We'll have to rehearse that," said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car.
2old2care ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:56:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The blind carpenter--really
IAmA_Risky_Click_AMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A shocking number of people seem to have missed this detail.
Wolf_Protagonist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's totally unnecessary for the blind man to be a carpenter.
I have a hammer and a saw. Does that make me a carpenter?
The presence of the hammer let's the audience know that we are talking about tools.
IAmA_Risky_Click_AMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It provides the reason a blind man would have a hammer and saw, and makes it delightfully absurd. There are plenty of blind men (though probably not many with such tools), but do you know any blind carpenters?
Alarmed_Ferret ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:31:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"It's all coming back to me" as he peed into the wind.
KansasHick20 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:11:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see," Said the blind man pissing into the wind, "it's all coming back to me now."
tallyh0s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's really, "I see said the blind man to his deaf dog, as he pissed into the wind, it's all coming back to me now."
SkipMonkey ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:35:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fuck i just got this. the first time i heard this was from my 6th grade teacher as i stood at the chalkboard, frozen with fear, trying to figure out long division several years after I really should have learned it, but still telling the teacher I knew how to do it because I was embarassed. I thought he was just making fun of me for saying I could do it but then making it totally clear I couldn't. As in, I see says the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw, who clearly didn't see.
Thats-Awkward ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:38:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man to his deaf wife on the telephone.
my_only_good_account ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:17:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thx grandad
whatshappeninhotstuf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:36:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact! This saying is called a Wellerism and is a type of folklore. One of the few things I still remember from my undergraduate classes.
stitics ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:35:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also...
โI see,โ said the blind man with his hand in the freezer.
FancyBeeShoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
mozfustril ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:53:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man as he fell down the stairs.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
uh-huh. and why a hammer.
VerbableNouns ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:31:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's another tool.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:35:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
frolicking_elephants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because otherwise it would be "as he picked up the saw" which makes it obvious that 'saw' is being used as a noun.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:37:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because if he just "picked up the saw", you couldn't interpret it as his sight suddenly coming back. He had to pick up another thing for the double meaning of "saw" to work.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
in this case it does make sense. thanks
endedjustaslovers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad loves this one.
CaptainKez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man to his deaf daughter on the phone.
Darkeagle856 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To his deaf dog
SealTheLion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, that one took me a second, but it was the first one to make me chortle.
jared1981 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username
Jesus_Shaves_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive known this line since like elementary school but I havenโt the faintest idea where I herd it
OustTheEstablishment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see said the blind man to his deaf brother pissing into the wind. Itโs all coming back to me now.
muhli660 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see I see! Said the blind man who fell on the ice.
turdmachine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI see,โ said the blind man, pissing in the wind โit all comes back to me now.โ
OldEars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you lived in Springfield, MA?
FlyingSpaceWaffle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this as "I see," said the blind man to his deaf wife who replied "yes."
speedeep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see", said the blind man to his deaf daughter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Trismesjistus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one I heard first, back in nineteen dickety eight
three18ti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see," said the blind man to the deaf man as he pissed into the wind, "it's all coming back to me now".
sanburg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My God I haven't heard this one since the sixties.
G_dude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man as he killed his dead son.
White_Dynamite22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man as he peed into the wind, "it all comes back to me"
theuserestuser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see said the blind man to the deaf mute.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a math teacher?
VerbableNouns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At one time I was.
dodge_thiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man to the deaf man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
cyber411 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it "I see" said the blind man to the deaf dog.
MZ603 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Light dawns on Marblehead.
DrPissChimp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see!", said the blind man to his deaf daughter who was not listening at that time.
Confusion_Ensues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see said the blind man to the deaf man over the telephone.
aristocrates91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man as he peed into the wind, "its all coming back to me now"
jetpacksforall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
LetsGoBub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see," said the blind man to the deaf mute at the corner of the round table.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa always says โโI seeโ said the blind man to the deaf dogโ lol
mikesbullseye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see said the blind man to his deaf dog as he picked up his hammer and saw
heaventerror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who heard a song from the mute cat
Written by the illiterate rat
With invisible ink that was blue
Which was the same color
as the pot the sober old ladies smoked
on the 13th floor of the 12 story water tower
Blindmanatee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had always heard it as
"I see, I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer to saw.
aatencio91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI see,โ said the blind man, peeing into the wind. โItโs all coming back to me now.โ
chartj87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve heard the very similar: โI seeโ said the blind man to his deaf wife while playing tiddlywinks with a manhole cover.
severn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned in this thread that everyone had their own version of this. The one my parents always said was:
"I see! Said the blind man, to his deaf wife over the disconnected phone while reading the newspaper and walking the dog."
oldguy_on_the_wire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind carpenter ;o)
gravelface ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:12 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI see,โ said the blind man as he pissed into the wind. โIt all comes back to me now.โ
Gubbuh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI seeโ said the blind man to the deaf man over telephone.
Armigedon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men walk into a bar. The fourth man ducks.
DuvetCapeMan ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:56:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lovely stuff.
pigsbladder ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:13:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the only correct response to that joke. DAN, DAN, DAN.
gyarrrrr ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:31:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A-Ha!
misakila ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:40:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kiss my face
ThaVaudevilleVillain ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:04:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
love me a good Tom Swifty.
my personal favorite is:
โI think iโm gay,โ Tom said, half in Earnest
Ashybuttons ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:17:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I dropped my toothpaste." Tom said, crestfallen.
ThaVaudevilleVillain ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:19:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โThe prisonerโs coming down the stairs now,โ said the guard, condescendingly.
Majestic_Menace ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:29:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"These are my lions," said the man, with pride.
ThaVaudevilleVillain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:38:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
niiiiiice! never heard that one!
Majestic_Menace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:40:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Came up with it when a friend and I were going through a Tom Swifty phase...
Dongdaedongdongdong ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:27:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DAN
FuttBucker27 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:53:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to say "So I got some new orthopodic shoes" to which people then correct me and say "You mean orthopedic?" to which I reply, "Oh I stand corrected".
vulpesglove ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:30:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The A47 ring road is the areola!
treegrass ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:20:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I make counters," the carpenter said, counterproductively
agroBlueberries ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:02:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a dad, but I'm using this.
HamletsScottishKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see, said the blind man to his deaf son in the corner of the round room.
smokesinquantity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is my new least favorite word to read.
supercerealthrowaway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was completely wrong about chiropractors
I stand corrected
metaphysicalme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that all British
KingBooRadley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:45:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This could have been a Steven Wright joke: I'm wearing orthopaedic shoes. . . I stand corrected.
Colonel_Janus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this
hybriduff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:00:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see!" Said the blind man, who picked up a hammer and saw.
dsquard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see," said the blind man, peeing into the wind, "it's all coming back to me now."
tbtower ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:55:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Partridge? Classic!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:09:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/NtRsbMv2TL4
HotterThanAnOtter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:46:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this joke as:
"I've just got myself a pair of Orthodontic shoes."
Then the other person says: "Don't you mean Orthopaedic?"
"Ahh, I stand corrected."
Of course you have to rely on the person you're telling the joke to, to know the difference and correct you.
askdoctorjake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saving this one for any time I fit a patient.
harshinstinct ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it lmao
chris3900 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was good, I'm dying
SansJacket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shoutout to me in this joke.
HotboxedHelicopter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Marvellous
freefallwithme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My fiancรฉ works in ortho so this was hilarious to them
kinetic-passion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad has a similar one: "I see!" Said the blind man.
DOORSARECOOLISTAKEN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Orthopedic shoes are fucking great
jediguy11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first to make me genuinely laugh! I would send a personal message instead of commenting but Iโm not sure how to on alien blue
Genericynt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of something I'd hear on salad fingers
elislider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see", said the blind carpenter to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
adsh1907 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:19:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs an alternative delivery of this which works well for live stand-up.
โWhen I was a child, I had problems with my posture, so the doctor prescribed me orthodontic shoesโ
(someone in audience) โorthopaedic!โ
โThanks. I stand correctedโ
Lavabushmenmojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ethiopian in the picture. "I lost 50 pounds and died!"
Pascals5foldacca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:15:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DAN!
Kebb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:36:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what that dealer laced these shoes with, but I've been tripping all day.
hahatcha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alan Partridge
daskrip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In my opinion you should give "corrected" more meaning:
I stand corrected, said the man who doubted the orthopaedic shoes.
aderaptor ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh man, if only I had gold to give
MoistOldPeople ยท 16782 points ยท Posted at 22:23:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix Goat DNA and Human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
thejensenfeel ยท 5370 points ยท Posted at 00:19:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Francisco zoo.
cfoucault1994 ยท 1486 points ยท Posted at 01:33:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a Bob Saget joke I heard, something like "I have the brain of a german shepherd and the body of a teenage boy. They're both in my trunk and I want you to see them."
ChristianGeek ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 10:11:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was Howie Mandelโs joke: โPeople say I have the mind of a 60-year-old and the body of a 20-year-old. Itโs true. Theyโre both in the trunk of my car and you can see them after the show if you want.โ
RichestMangInBabylon ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 02:21:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not surprising considering he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.
NinthNova ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 03:02:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I Googled this reference because I didn't get it, and it came up with this court case, which is amazing.
ksa10 ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 04:02:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't Glenn Beck ever talk about the accusations that he raped and murdered a girl in 1990? I'm just asking questions here, just asking questions.
notgayinathreeway ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 02:42:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's absolutely no truth to the rumor that Bob Saget raped and murdered a girl in 1990
chartj87 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 03:09:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha Gottfried
stickyfingers10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found Bob Sagats account.
SuperFLEB ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:30:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1990 was not a good year to grow up in.
slowhand88 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:58:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you were a young girl, no it was not.
cobywankenobi ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:14:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this, fits that Marx brothers one liner vibe
mrjawright ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:49:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I seem to remember a Stephen King interview where he said something to the effect of "People expect me to be this morbid, scary guy, but I have the heart of a child.
I keep it in jar on my desk."
kurokame ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:51:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of MY grandfather. I hope I die in my sleep just like he did, instead of screaming in terror like his passengers.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:58:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got banned from the zoo for feeding the squirrels... to the tigers.
gridzbispudvetch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:43:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes aside though, imagine being able to truthfully tell people that your heart originally belonged to a lion. That would be so badass
poiuyt748 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:14 on May 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorite jokes
BordomBeThyName ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're making me snicker to myself in public and now I look like a crazy person.
_1st_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I believe you mean โsnigger,โ you are welcome.
BordomBeThyName ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/snicker
sharfpang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, these bastards refuse my constitutional right to bear arms.
[deleted] ยท 1305 points ยท Posted at 00:47:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MoistOldPeople ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:49:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Moist man approves of this joke.
[deleted] ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 01:01:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MoistOldPeople ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 01:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well ive never seen overly baked bread perform technical and mechanical, even electrical feats so, username makes me suspicious
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:21:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Thorsigal ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:35:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sell toast and toast accessories
unwaveringwish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bobbeh
ajmartin527 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:20:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn that moist old guy just got served... toasted
Pokemonzu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:24:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
toast can be a verb, too
RockKillsKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:17 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is your username a reference to and/or are you aware of this incredibly relevant video to your name?
eggnog1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:35:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't be too crusty towards him.
markpas ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:32:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would you rather have a tiger eat you or a gorilla? The gorilla.
Mwil19 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:02:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: what do you get when you cross an elephant and a poodle?
A: a dead poodle with a gaping asshole
ChickenBoneGrease ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:17:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
screaming laughing at how stupid this is
as_a_fake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only one here I haven't heard before. Thanks!
marsglow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh out loud.
MrMountainFace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Might be overthinking this one, but for some reason Iโm not getting it. Explain?
secretpandalord ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 08:40:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The tiger eats the rabbit. So while you start with a tiger and a rabbit, you end with only a tiger.
Im_kinda_that_guy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:01:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And tiger poo
MrMountainFace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay cool, thatโs what I guessed but I thought that was too simple lol
Dukeofdorchester ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:59:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix a rabbit and an elephant? A dead rabbit with an 18 inch asshole
Sintanan ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 07:30:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, come now. This joke is just splitting hares.
Atoning_Unifex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
only good one so far. i loled
Fysio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one was my favorite.
PRMan99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A full tiger.
Laserdollarz ยท 472 points ยท Posted at 00:13:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
May all your zoos be petting zoos
IronSasquatch ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 00:52:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two-way petting zoos.
...you pet the animals and they pet you back.
lonelybaconstrip ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:55:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best Party planning committee idea ever
Laserdollarz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:57:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't go to the heavy petting zoo
Phoenixmaster1571 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
S O V I E T R U S S I A
GetLifted544 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:00:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A heavy petting zoo
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:15:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heavy petting zoos.
Moglorosh ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:34:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless you're a little bitch
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:50:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Bacon-Manning ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just a little bit.
MoistOldPeople ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eventually
mjc543 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every zoo is a petting zoo... if youโre not a pussy!
nizo505 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:24:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every zoo is a petting zoo the first time.
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heavy petting zoos are not a real thing, apparently.
DemandTheOxfordComma ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure they are, Google it.
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I share a computer with my wife and kids so....no
venlaren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it an evil petting zoo?
Infra-Oh ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heavy petting zoos
AnticitizenPrime ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'Every zoo is a petting zoo, unless you're a little bitch.'
TheFetchOmi ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:59:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kanye
Goodguy1066 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:23:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
AintNothinbutaGFring ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:52:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
'ell if I know! (said like elephino)
retardvark ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:54:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kendrick Lamar
unoyimhereb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I GOT I GOT I GOT I GOT
Master_GaryQ ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:56:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Human ZyGoat
MoistOldPeople ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:04:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a bio major, this is special to me now. Cheers!
Master_GaryQ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:11:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I promise you, the odds of me being able to make a spontaneous joke that is both accurate and amusing to a sciency type are vanishingly small
dmizenopants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like my bank account
drew4fur ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:16:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If this is changed to human DNA and sheep DNA the punchline could be "sent to New Zealand"
RuneLFox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OOF.
How dare you. We're not all in Southland.
_zer0rez_ ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:15:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only joke on this thread I actually laughed at
gettodaze ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:11:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt actually get it. Is he fucking the goat?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:27:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
tjonnyc999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait. I thought he was a gay fish?
slaufer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you're looking for the heavy petting zoo, it's down the street.
AnguishOfTheAlpacas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that album!
Reworked ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:00:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix octopus and human DNA?
A firm letter from the ethics committee
MoistOldPeople ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
http://kaiju.wikidot.com/wiki:doctor-octopus
NickeKass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one to make me laugh.
adamthebarbarian ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:17:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one that got more than a smirk. Nice!
ferhago ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And there I was thinking "Baaaabies"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:19:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Made me seriously LOL. You win!
BoneCollectin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:21:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one. I love this one.
BeadyEyed123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:54:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's your go to?
MoistOldPeople ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sparingly. Wouldnt give this one to a kid, but someone did post an alternative for PG audiences
Throtex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, a heavy petting zoo.
DuntadaMan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:29:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you mix and octopus and a tarantula?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate cessation of all funding.
trench_welfare ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of, "how does a Scotsman find a sheep in long grass? Very satisfying."
InsulinAddikt ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ISIS
eylamoa ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:42:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, Kendrick Lamar
MoistOldPeople ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, gross
TBomberman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
dude
MarzDaMonsta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Answer shouldโve bean Frank Ocean
Wordcraftian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you're not a pussy.
imnotgoats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:/
dreamrock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a squid with a cow?
A letter of opprobrium from the ethics committee and an immediate freeze on grant funding.
YoungSerious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-As told by /u/MoistOldPeople
I'm deeply concerned for the moments when people say "Relevant username!" to you.
phranticsnr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:07:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My answer to that is always "withdrawl of your research grant, and an appointment with the university ethics board."
tjonnyc999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Withdrawl? Is that like a withdrawal with a Southern accent?
phranticsnr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Or a typo, either or.
Pentobarbital1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix Sheep DNA and human DNA?
Whales.
Hesthetop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They'd prefer you spell it Wales.
tylercreatesworlds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
true story, I was kicked out a petting zoo on a field trip for spitting on a camel (I was 6). In my defense, it was a preemptive attack. The camel was gonna spit first.
MoistOldPeople ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive personally have been hucked at by a llama when i was a kid at our local zoo. So id fight in your defense mate.
Hansoda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fuck, you got me hard with this one...
adoris1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone needs to kick off a Science-themed TED Talk with this, with a dramatic pause before the punchline, and then slide straight into "anyway my talk is about..."
PoorLittleLamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just kidding
Rodry2808 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That actually made me lol
Encryptid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not gonna lie I laughed out loud about 5 seconds after reading this. Delayed laughs are fun.
IronMikeT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
on a list
Bradyoverflacco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tom Brady
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aberforth?
SashaTheBOLD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The heavy petting zoo....
EDante ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tom MF Brady!
pm_me_ur__labia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you put a rusty spike through the soft part of a babyโs head?
An erection.
rockmaniac85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seems to be more on the heavier side of petting...
Kilmoraine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix a dolphin and a giraffe?
A call from an ethics committee
Nevlach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a zoo yesterday.
It sucked, they only had one dog.
It was a shit-zoo.
Goat_Lincoln ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine goat DNA mixed with Abe Lincoln and the result of the ensuing pregnancy
Goggles_Gamer15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have been reading this as ghost DNA and was so confused.
BakerofHumanPies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternate answers: 1. A really hairy kid 2. Something baaaaaaaddd
fiz1point5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do your get when you mix a gorilla with a giant squid?
A cessation of funding and a sternly-worded letter from the ethics committee.
Forikorder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you nix an actopus with a rhino?
Immediate removal of your funding and a meeting with the ethics comitee
rogerairgood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
GBU-24 on your cave?
dmanww ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... Your funding revoked
Oshabeestie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:33:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That made me laugh out loud - thanks !
Aaron_tu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross a dog with a cat?
The respect of your geneticist peers.
Gregib ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix turtle DNA and zebra DNA? A prisoner with a helmet
Sasquatch430 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punchline I heard was, "Removal of funding and a meeting with the ethics board."
Funchess89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
PMMEANUMBER1-10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:16:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross an octopus with a giraffe?
A strong letter of complaint from the animal ethics committee and immediate removal of your funding
DookNuke_m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:40 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix Goat DNA and Human DNA?
ISIS
PatrickMcWhorter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:58 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhino?
'El-if-i-know
(This works better when spoken aloud).
Willstroyer ยท 9713 points ยท Posted at 22:29:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?
"Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Bassman1976 ยท 5566 points ยท Posted at 00:03:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember fondly my grandaddy's last words: "Stop shaking that ladder, you fucking moron!"
wreave ยท 6687 points ยท Posted at 00:34:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to die quietly in my sleep like my granddad, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
SHMUCKLES_ ยท 232 points ยท Posted at 00:45:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Grandad
6and7 ยท 149 points ยท Posted at 01:24:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Grandfather died in a POW camp during the war.
He fell from his guard tower.
Jonny_Segment ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 06:27:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have an epipen. It was given to me by my friend as she lay dying. Seems weird now, but she was absolutely insistent I should take it.
Jermzberry ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:20:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once read a sentence that said "an epipen is a (explanation) as "an epic penis". Now whenever I see that word I think of a huge gigantic monstrous dingadong
Jonny_Segment ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 12:11:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well like I said:
yakabo ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 02:20:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did nazi that coming
BigMoses777 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:41:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the greatest generation response.
Rand4m ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 02:58:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anne frankly, it should be...
ermergerdberbles ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:13:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've got that Reich
willwharper ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 03:15:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Adolf Hitler
Rand4m ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:34:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuhrer Christ sakes, that's why God wins...
Rust_Dawg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:20:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When Hitler got carpet laid at the Reichstag, the builder told him that 2 rooms would cost $100 but the holocaust $20 extra.
Jacollinsver ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:34:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather's last words to me were "you selfish boy."
So I became a fish monger
AlucardNoir ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:18:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OMG, I am in stitches, crying laughing right now. This made my day pal.
Urdus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:18:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Literally the same here.
fiddlenutz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:43:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have an older ex-military boss at work and he said "I take a crap at 5:30am every morning......sometimes I even wake up for it".
iamadrunkama ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:21:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
there are a surprising amount of people in here who have never head of jack handey before
Tinnitus_AngleSmith ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:38:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't realize that was one of his. Now it makes sense why I can't stop laughing
aglobalnomad ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:15:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm using all of the above.
scribble23 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:00:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god, my friend's Grandad was a taxi driver who had a heart attack and died at the wheel. He demolished a shop window and his passengers were mildly injured. All I could think of when she told me was this joke. I really had to try hard to keep a straight face and I felt so bad!
Machiavellian3 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:33:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wasnโt very close to my dad when he died.
Which was fortunate because he stood on a landmine
rogert2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:19:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only joke I can think of when put on the spot.
Beatnik_Soiree ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:54:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yessss...works every time.
dannyrawk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:39:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I like to say "unlike the passengers in my car"
sofinho1980 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:33:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My other granddad used to make meals out of particles in the air... but he bit the dust recently.
Why--Not--Zoidberg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's Emo Phillips right??
wreave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:04:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have no idea!
Why--Not--Zoidberg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:54:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it is :) I'll try to find it later. Another one of his I love is "when I was little my family's cat had kittens. We couldn't keep them so we had to go down to the lake and toss them in. And I was so sad... Because I couldn't get mine to skip."
wreave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's awful. I'm definitely keeping it.
Rabbyk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:38 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's Jack Handey
Why--Not--Zoidberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:12 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it? I'm sure I've heard Emo tell it. Maybe I'm imagining things, or maybe it's a borrowed joke
oopsmyeye ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:50:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke would be a lot less funny if I knew my pilot grandpa before he died in a plane crash.
Unfortunately I'm a terrible person and not being sarcastic.
Fap_the_Sheep ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:25:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My old grandad can't do the things he used to as a young man.... Bomb the japs.
PatrickMcWhorter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:56:57 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Broke into Laughter at this one
Petrichorest ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:49:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather died in the camps in Nazi Germany. Naturally clumsy, with only weeks left in that terrible war, he tripped and fell from his guard tower duty station.
The_keg__man ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:14:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel conflicted about using this as a bus driver...
The_real_average_guy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:48:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was my senior quote
fullmetalraz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:50:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one never fails to make me laugh.
KingKidd ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:30:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Having woken up in a guardrail, itโs not that pleasant. My brother was supposed to stay awake until he got us to school. At least it was the slow part when he decided to nap.
I, uh, donโt sleep in cars anymore.
Bassman1976 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:08:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of peopleโs grandad died while driving passengers around.
Grandads should be banned.
spacialHistorian ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:34:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not screaming like his passengers.
Allmighty_Milpil ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:57:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone beat you by literally one minute man :(
edubiton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:20:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, the difference a minute makes.
crowkiller06 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is from a movie. Or Will Rogers. Or both.
derekd2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch
DryGuy44 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:14:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am ugly laughing so hard at this one. Thatโs a rarity for me.
Bassman1976 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Glad I could provide some comic relief.
blbobobo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:24:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
O O F
Sleazehound ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:45:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wanna be dead like my grandpa
howsublime ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:58:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just lost it
Doom_Shark ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:31:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never forget my dog's last words:
"You probably shouldn't have taken that much acid."
TheR1mmer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:52:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to my ex Wifes last words "help my husband is trying to kill me!"
Bassman1976 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a good one. Reminds me of this one.
My most prized possession is that Epipen. My friend gave it to me, just after being stung by a bee.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Bassman1976 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:51:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you all cousins?
Jager-Junkie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:26:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the first thing Adam said to Eve?
Stand back I don't know how big this thing is going to get.
BringHelp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh come on I saw that on r/memes earlier today
Bassman1976 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:29:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's doing the rounds. Read it on showerthoughts two weeks ago.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not die screaming like his passengers.
BernieTimbre ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I have last words before I die, it's going to be "wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Pumpsnhose ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:28:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like Bo Burnhamโs โAndy The Frogโ joke. โThen there was a rustling in the bushes, and, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle, the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle.โ
HulloHoomans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I die, I wanna go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like the people in his car.
osmdroid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't get it. Explain
ocean365 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:08:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Kick the bucket" is a colloquium for saying someone died. Ex: "Johnson kicked the bucket last week"
This joke works because you're expecting grandpa to say anything that isn't literal, but he literally says what he will do, making it funny
Krankite ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:51:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a dog to a man with a hearing aid? HEY DO YOU WANT TO BUY THIS DOG
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's probably my favourite ever joke
PM_Me_Random_Pix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And he kicked that bucket slowly for almost 2 years...
ClicksWithToast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The real funny grandpa joke thread is in the comments
lessdothisshit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/holdmybucket
Nexiz0103 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:57:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/squadcrasher
joebearyuh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:49:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
Get in the batmobile robin.
GrayPhantm ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:59:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then he died.
harshinstinct ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
NordinTheLich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh dearie me, I've just kicked the bucket."
InvisibleBlueUnicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't grandpa had one foot in the grave and then he kicked the bucket with the other.
Sarsmi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only joke in the whole thread that I hadn't heard and also made me laugh.
kn1ghtpr1nce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then he slipped and broke his neck
Mish106 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember my grandpa used to say to me, "Go play outside so i can fuck your grandma".
Squirrelbug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did grandma say before she kicked the bucket? "FUCK THIS BUCKET"
expletive-expletive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My father had a Associates in English (among other degrees), and in the region we lived in, people would say โIโm just trying to get your goat.โ It should be goad.
My father would reply โif you really wanna get someoneโs goat, follow them and see where they tie it up.โ
He would also say โas a young man, I was told to search for the peak in the east. All I ended up with was this snub-nosed dog.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The difference between a grandfather and a great-grandfather is that one just sounds better
Thompsonman12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then proceeded to fall backwards and die.
ottrocity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only one that has made me laugh so far.
jimbojones230 ยท 32620 points ยท Posted at 00:43:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husbandโs funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, โDo you mind if I say a word?โ.
โNo, go right aheadโ, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says โPlethoraโ, and sits back down.
โThanksโ, the woman says, โthat means a lotโ.
W360 ยท 2011 points ยท Posted at 03:07:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I love reading a new joke that is a grand slam. If I had a time machine I would go back 45 seconds ago so I could read this joke again for the first time, god bless you.
[deleted] ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 04:24:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
enthius ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 04:45:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forgetmenots?
Blanketsburg ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:47:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forget Me Shots
GLaDOS_Sympathizer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:48:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take 8!
Vezur ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:53:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
8! = 40320
SillyRiceCrispy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:21:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot
Squadeep ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 99.999% sure /u/Vezur is not a bot
Vezur ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:37:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, I'm a bot. BEEP BOOP
yerboiboba ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:16:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
Vezur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks!
Kabayev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forget-me-not blue
This is basically irrelevant, but it made me think of Lockhart
BaconbitswithCheese ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedhogwarts
Bill_Martigans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:22 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Forget-mentos
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Grassse12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:34 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Couple Xanax should do the trick
coolwool ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:56:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you use a time machine to go back in time, this doesn't reset your experiences. You will still read it for the second time :>
W360 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 14:43:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You donโt know what kind of time machine I have homeboy.
ttblue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:44:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if I used a time machine to go forward in time?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ttblue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure you discovered it and didn't make it yourself.
MotchoIV ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:20:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the joke
angelbelle ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:35:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"This means a lot" is the standard response meaning "Your heartfelt and supportive comment means a lot to me emotionally"
"a lot" is also the dictionary definition of "plethora". Bonus: plethora is 1 word as per the man's original request.
W360 ยท -17 points ยท Posted at 14:45:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then you are either dumb, a child, or english isnโt your first language.
MotchoIV ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All of the above
W360 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 23:32:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fair enough, Youโre more of a fart noises in spanish or got your nose in french.
truth__bomb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:47:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A time machine wouldnโt do it. Youโd need one of those Men in Black things or an old fashioned knock on the head.
W360 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs built into the time machine, you must have a different one, this one has all the bells and whistles.
Kashik ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm German and even though I can tell this joke is really funny, I'd love to translate it, but then it would be not funny at all
JealousHamburger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:16:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wenn is das Nunstรผck git und Slotermeyer?
axelrinaldo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:34:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you trying to kill him!?
Kashik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was?
PhilxBefore ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:21:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You could rewind a few years and find it again in almost every reddit joke thread, along with the rest of these.
W360 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:33:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, a lot of these I have never heard I am really surprised by this, and not at all upset about it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:14 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
one might say it's orgasmically good, but something you can only experience once
Soykikko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? I dont know if Im too sober or not sober enough but this joke is lame as hell.
W360 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:18:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It isnโt explosive funny, I just didnโt see it coming and appreciate a little wordplay, it mostly gave me a bit of a โwell doneโ feeling. Donโt sweat not all jokes are created equal and beauty is in the eye of the beholder so get yours playa.
tanteitrash ยท 4316 points ยท Posted at 02:39:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
stares into existence like I'm in The Office
Soundbytes87 ยท 465 points ยท Posted at 03:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs like at Dwightโs Auntโs funeral where they start saying various facts.
[deleted] ยท 452 points ยท Posted at 03:21:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You were 5'4 most of your life, but at the end you were 5'1.
XsimonbelmontX ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 03:46:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They're a very descriptive people.
groovy_giraffe ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 04:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone mentioned her farm size yet?
pizzabagel2468 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:46:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*pulls out shotgun
poopybunghole69 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:37:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget the shotgun..... That was my Wtf moment
GOOD_EVENING_SIR ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:13:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hope to start that tradition in my family.
dreadofdemise ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:31:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Easy there, Jim.
donovosh ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:13:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jim if he understood the joke, Michael if he didn't.
Squadeep ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:06:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jim Stare
mattmonkey24 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:17:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jimming the camera
somerefriedbeans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:10:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Instructions unclear. Got my jimmy stuck in camera.
OnlyOnAskReddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:18:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
AKA; Jimming the camera.
davy_crockett ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Into existence?
tanteitrash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would be kinda weird if there were just a camera in reality...recording me just sitting there...
davy_crockett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:19 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you mean staring into the distance? Not existence?
tanteitrash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:17 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
davy_crockett ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:58 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"staring into existence" isn't a phrase and doesn't really make any sense.
tanteitrash ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:52:38 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was a joke...? It doesn't need to make literal sense...? Like, I was staring so intently off into the void of reality as that punchline settles in.
ยฏ\(ใ)/ยฏ
[deleted] ยท 258 points ยท Posted at 03:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care.
jumpinpuddleok ยท 341 points ยท Posted at 02:38:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
um.. can you explain this one..
for a friend?
TheArc6 ยท 411 points ยท Posted at 02:40:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Plethora" is literally one word, which actually means "a lot"
jumpinpuddleok ยท 766 points ยท Posted at 02:44:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL. oh. My friend gets it now.
[deleted] ยท 192 points ยท Posted at 02:58:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Glad you asked, my friend was ALSO wondering the same thing....
imdatingaMk46 ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 03:06:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I had friends
Fastio5 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 03:11:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed, then I realized...
BLINDrOBOTFILMS ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:26:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too, buddy
its__accrual__world ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/2meirl4meirl
imdatingaMk46 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/3me5meirl
nickburgess ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:38:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just pretend the the friend they were talking about is you.
hugoh07 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:25:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy Cake day :)
HeyCarpy ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:03:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pat your friend on the head for me
aceman08 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:20:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...and rub their belly
jumpinpuddleok ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:25:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if at the same time.. that shit is too hard
toomuchdamnicecream ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:07:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually funnier than that joke
jumpinpuddleok ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:09:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I enjoy thinking your username is you complaining about excessive beaver dams, only to be distracted by cream
miss_dit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it nice cream?
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:11:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Crunchles ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:46:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
tl;dr the absurdity of this playing out irl makes it funny.
It's that there's a bit of a double whammy there. First, at a funeral it's common to say something about the deceased so the man reasonably asks if he can say "a word." Naturally, the widow allows this so the man stands up and says "plethora."
That's the first joke, not too funny, you can see it coming; lands in solid "dad joke" territory. However, the joke continues. The man presumably sits back down and the widow tells him "thanks, that means a lot."
That's the second joke. The double meaning here, in my opinion, elevates the joke to a new level. First there's the standard meaning "it means a lot to me that you said that." This is a normal thing to say after somebody speaks at a funeral, but the second meaning is "the word plethora means 'a lot'."
I believe what makes this all the funnier is imagining the joke playing out in real life with the second meaning applied. The fact that a grieving widow would take the time to tell somebody the meaning of a word that somebody most likely already knows the meaning to is unexpected and absurd, thus (to some) inherently funny.
smegma_stan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh... ok
CarolusX2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:12:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for explaining. I sorta laughed at the first joke and now I understand the second one but I thought that I didnt, didnt find it as funny or funny at all because why would she go out of her way to tell him that? Idk
Corupeco ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:41:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not really out of her way... It's a common thing to say to people in a situation like that. That's what makes it so funny. The guy's bizarre choice of "word" changes the meaning of a completely average phrase.
jumpinpuddleok ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:16:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
its very much an airplane! style joke
jaxnhobo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gimme ham on five hold the mayo.
jumpinpuddleok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roger Roger
KingPhilipIII ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:55:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice cover.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now your friend can enjoy the joke in "The Three Amigos" even more!
cryfight4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm. I am the friend, and I get it now!!
(Now when do I get that $5 you promised me for saying this?)
jumpinpuddleok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ughh The deal was three fiddy!!
PhilxBefore ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:23:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You may have multiple personality disorder.
jumpinpuddleok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:21:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its called dissociative identity disorder(DID) now.
While you jest, interestingly I do have a high propensity to dissociate due to past traumas.
passcork ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My field still doesn't get it... :/
Edit: friend, my friend doesnt get it.
TheArc6 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:49:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The guy asks to say a word, implying he wants to say a sentence, but he actually just says a (one) word, that word being plethora. The lady says "thanks, that means a lot," which is the definition of plethora
passcork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:16:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooooh, ok. Thanks. Hehe
alohaoy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Field?
passcork ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:59:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Friend* fuck
deadleg22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you use it in a sentence please?
troflwaffle ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:43:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This thread has a plethora of jokes
deadleg22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:03:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, this sounds right, I couldnโt word it in my head properly.
RockLoi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:09:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Typically it's not just "a lot" but an implied excess: "too much". Although usage like /u/troflwaffle's example is common.
AvailableRedditname ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:47:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but i mean shouldnt there be a doublemeaning for something to be a joke. This is kind of an antijoke right?
GullibleSquid ยท 216 points ยท Posted at 02:40:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The definition of plethora is 'a lot'
kisalas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:27:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey thanks for doing me a solid.
aheidenthal ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 02:39:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sounds like a joke straight out of A Series of Unfortunate Events
SuperSMT ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:05:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From the Wide Window: "Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges. 'Plethora' is a word which here means 'Too many to list,' but I will try."
Asphyxiatinglaughter ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 03:04:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
O SHIT you just reminded me season 2 is out
youknow99 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:22:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I finished it about 20 minutes ago. I liked it as much as season 1, but I feel like less things happened.
Asphyxiatinglaughter ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:03:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm ok, I'll probably have time to watch this weekend. Still looking forward to it
THCW ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I much preferred Season 2 to Season 1. Season 1 was based on the first four books which were all formulaic and had no real overarching storyline, the VFD stuff in Season 1 was all added by the show and definitely feels a bit forced.
Season 2 adapts the books which start to add a bit of mystery and intrigue, and as a result it feels much more natural.
The production values are great as well, all five core locations feel unique and memorable.
And while Olaf loses some of his menace in the first six episodes of Season 2, he regains it tenfold in the last four episodes IMO. There are some surprisingly intense moments and the adaptation of The Hostile Hospital is one of the best book-to-show adaptations I've ever seen. The writers really hit their stride towards the end.
Add in to that some great new standout characters and honestly I think Season 2 is a big step up from Season 1. The lows of Season 2 are lower than Season 1, but they're so infrequent that I don't think it detracts from the season.
PotassiumPomegranate ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:03:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They went with slightly longer arcs I feel. Or maybe the arcs have just gotten longer.
SuperSMT ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:00:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The books do get progressively longer. The 13th is well over twice as long as the first.
Berserker76 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 02:42:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Would you said I have a plethora of Piรฑatas?"
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:59:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Maelstyr ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for this. For xennials like me this was how I learned the definition of that word. Now I associate this word with El Guapo.
csonny2 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:26:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its a sweater!
Crunchles ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:49:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's next? Amigos falling from the sky?
SonOfDadOfSam ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:15:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want to kiss me on the veranda?
No, lips would be fine.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:05:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
Maelstyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:57 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh great! We killed the invisible swordsman!
Redbeard_Rum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:00:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
mirrorwolf ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:38:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me actually giggle
criket13 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:29:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get it at first so I read it to my husband. As I was reading out loud, I got it. A+
ScientificBoinks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:31:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I have a few words to say to you, and here they are: Nitwit! Oddment! Blubber! Tweak! Thank you."
The_Lonely_Rogue_117 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nitwit. Oddment. Blubber. Tweak.
thejardude ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:40:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaaaand saved. Gonna annoy my friends with that one later
Danulas ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:02:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This feels like something you'd hear in a Leslie Nielsen movie. Hilarious and dry as the Sahara.
ldsutter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:02:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine Hank Hillโs voice and it makes me chuckle.
manfredpanzerknacker ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:21:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is fantastic.
Yakev ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:46:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my new favorite joke
DemandTheOxfordComma ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:28:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this one. Literally.
johnsonandhisjohnson ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:11:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this the best joke ever? It might be. But there might be many others.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:28:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why, but that reminded me of this.
Synli ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:32:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is so goddamn stupid.
I love it
_PM_ME_TUITIONMONEY_ ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:54:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PLETHORA IS MY FAVORITE WORD YOU'VE MADE MY DAY
blargman327 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:38:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fukkin' saved
ortenziacaviglia ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gazebo?
jimbojones230 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:57:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bulbous bouffant
rokonin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:41:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SPATULA
MacduffFifesNo1Thane ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:28:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shindig
quietman85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:55 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Macadamia
MacduffFifesNo1Thane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:44:15 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OOH
Kellogsbeast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:05:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is great.
AlsoSprach ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:56:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, this is my new favorite joke.
bonanzabananas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:36:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beautiful
MistakesTasteGreat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:24:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got to tell this joke twice tonight for my friends and it killed both times. Thank you!
BreAKersc2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:32:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly don't get it, and yes, English is my first language.
Stairway_To_Tevin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:55:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was r/jokes top post last week.
Zamolxes86 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 11:15:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so? it's a good joke that fits well in this thread. it's ok to tell a joke that you heard from someone else. just chill a bit
Stairway_To_Tevin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just pointing it out. You need to relax a bit.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is awesome!
TheAgingHipster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The hero we deserve.
Themiffins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:18:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my this is amazing
JobsTho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:32:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you choke on my upvote.
ltshep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard that one before. Definitely using that some time. Thanks.
SpookyDelta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:46:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this.
MizukiAyu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one that actually made me laugh
jesusonmars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this joke
flarpington ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me do the laughing
scyth3s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:20:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this joke
amaezingjew ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit I laughed so hard at this, thank you
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:40:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
god damnit that's hilarious. I love it! Just sucks that I'll never remember it again...
verdaddy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was laughing before I read the punch line! Excellent!!!
The_keg__man ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this. Using it later. Cheers bud.
silly_gaijin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm stealing this. BRB.
frostbite_28 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have never laughed so hard in my life. No sarcasm that was a good one
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would rather someone say this to me than "everything happens for a reason."
lashyy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:16:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This just made me actually LOL thank you I needed that.
Oscar_7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is fucking gold
kidbeer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit
Loftus189 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:05:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first one to make me laugh out loud on the train. Well played.
Modlion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:32:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mmmmm excellent...
qweef_latina ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:34:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs so good
Funandgeeky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well done. This is a fantastic joke.
wadsworthsucks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'_'
buythepotion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This oneโs my favorite one on this post!
whale-tail ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:27 on July 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck I've had this saved for two months and I just now understood it
RupeeStealer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im wheezing from laughter
Rusty_Shunt ยท 209 points ยท Posted at 00:42:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
beatmaster23 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:59:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Source: Groucho Marx
GrouchosMoustache ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:47:15 on May 6, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thought it sounded familiar. :)
Rusty_Shunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:58:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you!!!!
Foreignfig ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:01:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm super old and still remember the poster in my 4th grade classroom which had this joke and a picture of a yellow lab with a kid leaning against it reading.
space_moron ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:03:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
[deleted] ยท 15311 points ยท Posted at 21:46:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Samen28 ยท 3273 points ยท Posted at 02:33:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but donโt have any matches. So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
_the-dark-truth_ ยท 132 points ยท Posted at 02:40:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is terrible. Have an upvote.
perceptionboss ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:30:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is true. Have an upvote as well.
Desembler ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:48:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was used as a riddle from "The Riddler" in an old episode of Adam West Batman. It frustrated me how stupid a solution it was.
cicadaenthusiat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:56 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a cassete tape of the old Batman show. It had some music on it (dunununununununu Batman!) and a bunch of Riddler parts on the show. This is the only one that stuck with me through the years. Weird.
NinjatheClick ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 02:41:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you ever wake up in a room with no doors or Windows and just a saw and a table, just use the saw to cut the table in half. Put the two halves together to make a whole. Put the hole on the wall and use the hole in the wall to escape.
Optewe ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:04:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, and put a pea next to the hole.
When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
hugoyam ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:28:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
CACKLES FROM MY BENEATH MY BEDSHEETS SORRY FOR CAPS IT IS TOO LATE NOW ARRIVEDERCI
TheVineyard00 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:40:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ORDER CORN
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:43:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I CHIME IN WITH HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF
chineseandscottish ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Said this to a friend in a bar when he asked for a lighter โno, but if you give me one youโll be a cigarette lighterโ. He actually seemed quite annoyed....
Kage_Oni ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 02:54:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is so awful I am only going to up vote it once.
mrrourke ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:23:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a riddle given by The Riddler on the 60s Batman TV show. I think Robin solved it if I remember correctly.
anexxus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:48:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โCorrect, Boy Wonder!โ
Mayheme ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:00:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont understand :(
wreck94 ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 03:04:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The whole boat becomes one cigarette lighter by weight when you throw one off
A cigarette lighter is also something you can use to light cigarettes
Mayheme ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 03:08:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm disappointed I didnโt get that. Also thanks
wreck94 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No problem!
Netty1770 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:59:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
tcmaddox ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:48:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank You. I was too ashamed I didn't get it.
bronzeNYC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought you were saying a riddle or a poem :(
heartfelt24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try this- the sailor throws a cigarette overboard, and voila! He becomes a cigarette lighter.
rs2excelsior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then the sailors drown.
MK2555GSFX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That doesn't sound very safe.
HorrorThis ยท 171 points ยท Posted at 00:57:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favorites! I love the wordplay and I also love hippos. The other one I love that's just like this one:
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Flumpski ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 02:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sighed heavily
Genghis_John ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:30:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who is bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Biggerโs baby?
Mr. Biggerโs baby is a little Bigger.
PhilxBefore ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:05:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a nun and a girl in the bathtub?
The nun has hope in her soul...
SleepyDyl ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 02:36:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a t-bone steak, and a meteorite?
One's pretty meaty, the other is a little meteor.
lookalive07 ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 02:51:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.99 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
anonymous_being ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:19:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
eoliveri ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:31:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's bigger: Mrs. Bigger or her baby?
Her baby is a little Bigger.
risey ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:18:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna know a good things about moving to Switzerland ? The flags a big plus
Trying2improvemyself ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:22:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
druski ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:57:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice, the variant I was told is "who's bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger's baby? Mr Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:26:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
spiffiestjester ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:33:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was going to say this, they are much heavier than most lighters too.
Elemen0py ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:58:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge.
The fridge doesn't fart when you take out your meat.
picatdim ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:45:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
O_o
graciepaint4 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:14:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile. It depends on if you see one later or in a while
Tompoe ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:43:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a french sword?
One's a little rapier.
mydogclimbstree ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:49:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Told this one to my husband, who for the last two hours has answered every question with this punchline.
Me: "What time is your meeting tomorrow?" Him: "One is heavier and the other [gets hit with nearest soft but throwable object]."
melanthius ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:07:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm trying to get this but failing
Amish_guy_with_WiFi ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:35:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gonna get this engraved in my next zippo.
bruno7123 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:49:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better yet. Ill get this branded on my current hippo
kbtoys429 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:06:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YES MINE TOO!!
SuitedEyas ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:36:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's terrible...but in a funny way ! Dad joke conformed!
BradSavage64 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God damn it I wanted to say that one!
Randolph__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I expected this to be really cheesy, but is actually really good
devi8n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was Edam good joke
Beatts18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing level 3 pun =)
Bwonkatonks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bonus points if you have a zippo!
KyraHMStrange ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:47:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that joke for the first time two weeks ago. No fat on that joke.
jeezone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking hate you for making me laugh that hard at that
AjaxsoapDetergent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walked into a club.
ahappylittletree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this on NPR a while back and use it any chance I get. Itโs so sweet and cute.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit that was gonna be mine.
TREXASSASSIN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:53:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
dammit this is so dumb but funny cause of the hilarious jingling rhyme
Jekh ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:46:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta be honest, I dont get the punchline.
Jazzy_jandals ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:59:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zippo is another word for a little lighter (used for cigarettes & other things).
tusig1243 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking love this one
thewilburbeast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?
One has claws at the ends of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:02 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One starts with an h and the other starts with a z.
ElToberino ยท 9402 points ยท Posted at 21:35:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog is a rescue, which is a really self righteous way of saying I bought a used dog
lcpl ยท 1198 points ยท Posted at 23:28:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love bill Burrs joke about that. 'I got one of those free dogs'
Edit: if the link doesn't work
u/HwKer found this one
1stLtObvious ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 01:41:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the biggest joke is calling them free in this day and age.
lcpl ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 01:56:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I got my cat from a shelter, he cost me $80. I'll never let him forget it either.
MetalIzanagi ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 03:39:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you name him "Eighty Dollars"?
JWGhetto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:40:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two dinners
Leiox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:31:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you eat, mr fancy pants? Thats atleast 10 dinners right there!
MrSickRanchezz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:26:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or like... 80 tacos.
JWGhetto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe if you eat alone
emmeline_melc ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:08:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cat tax?
sunriseslies ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 05:03:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All the shelters in my area start at $450 for a dog. Dogs that they ship in from out of state because there's simply not enough dogs needing rescue in our area. Plus the adoption requirements are outrageous, I could probably foster a child with less paperwork than these rescues require.
And they wonder why these dogs spend years in their rescues. It's hard to consider "rescuing" an adult dog for $450 and 20 pages of paperwork when I can buy a puppy from some rando for a couple hundred cash and no background check.
0xjake ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:41:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lots of those places will provide vet services that you'd otherwise have to pay for. Ours paid thousands in vet bills, before and after adoption, even though we got him free during a promotional event. I have every intention of going through the rescue org again.
officerace ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:32:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What state? That seems very expensive. I spent $200 on my first dog and $25 on the other in a scratch and dent sale, since they were putting her down that week.
stephj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where is this magical place where there are not tons of local homeless dogs? Honestly that sounds great!
sunriseslies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:38:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vermont. Strict breeder laws and affordable spay/neuter options work. One rescue told me only 7% of the dogs they receive are local forfetures or strays, the rest are shipped in from the south. Three other rescues I called do not have many if any of the dogs on site, they're still in the south waiting for an adoption contract to be signed.
And that's my issue with these rescues. When you rescue a dog you acknowledge that they have a murky history and may have temperament or health issues, but it's compounded by they fact that they ask you to sign a contract to adopt a family member sight unseen. These pups are shipped hundreds of miles and end up straight into their new homes with limited vetting for temperament and health. I know two people who adopted dogs with undisclosed severe aggression, one had to be put down. Another who received a dog heavily infected with heartworm, the dog sadly died not long after. Parvo also went around like crazy here after the rescues brought up dozens of "hurricane dogs" post Harvey.
stephj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:58 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Sounds like there's some holes in the system.
Where I live (California) there are thousands of homeless animals, any getting euthanized due to space issues, not behavior. Rescues AND shelters bend over backwards to disclose good (and bad) behavior to cut down on returns and problems.
Sounds like shitty management. Usually shelters have Safer testing. That is an odd system you are relaying.
Somzer ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"This video is not available",
yo dawg, you've got any more of those links?
lcpl ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:50:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/HwKer found this one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC2dgQ_DUUU
Somzer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:55:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Many thanks
isthisSnapchat ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:04:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love the bit about his girlfriend adopting a pitbull when he was on the road.
secondkira ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:17:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So now Iโm getting my leg chewed off as Iโm trying to show my name on the phone bill.
Or something along those lines. One of my favorite bits of his.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:44:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
flavorraven ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:22:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was adopted by the trainer when Nia was preggo, I guess it had been kind of aggressive with company, including family, and with all the commotion around having a baby it just wasn't gonna work. Super sad, but he still gets to take her on hikes and stuff every now and then
whatsthewhatwhat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:21:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, you could tell he was sad to see her go, but also happy that she seems so settled and secure at her new home. And now I feel like a stalker.
ElToberino ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 23:51:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh shit Bill Burr has the same joke now, I used that all the time when I was a really shitty stand up comic.
lcpl ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 23:58:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well they are along the same premise but I think the two jokes are different enough. Your joke could be worked in a different direction.
Besides, that bit is 8 years old
FunkyTownMonkeyClown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And who knows how long it was rambling around in Bill Burr's head with all the other wild shit. Probably over a decade old, if it made to to a special 8 years ago. He probably came up with it, worked on it, performed it, worked on it, worked on it, worked on it, and put it in a special.
SlothyTheSloth ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:52:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was told if you ever have to rehome an animal it's best to charge something because then you know the person taking the animal in invested
Dandw12786 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:30:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Got my dog from the shelter. He's fucked in the head and no amount of training in the past 8 years has fixed him. He's just bearably insane until he dies now.
At least he's cuddly if there's absolutely no stimulus anywhere, but if one if my kids coughs while they're sleeping, bet your ass he'll freak the fuck out.
emmeline_melc ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poor guy. I wonder what happened to him before he got to your family?
Dandw12786 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:08:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No idea, he was still a puppy, probably four months old when we got him, they found him and two or three siblings in a ditch (not messed up or anything, just a few strays wandering together). Adorable as hell, wish we could've taken both that were left, and maybe the end result would have been better if we had (or maybe it would have been ten times worse). I know at least one of them was brought back to the shelter after about a year for the same behaviors ours has (severe separation anxiety, destructive behavior), so at least I know the problem isn't just us. We've got him so he doesn't destroy shit anymore, but he's still neurotic as hell.
So I'm not a huge advocate for shelter dogs. It's a great thing that shelters do and if it makes you feel warm and fuzzy to adopt a dog, go for it. But at the end of the day it's an animal, its past is a complete mystery, and despite what a whole lot of people like to say, some dogs just can't be fixed no matter how much training you do. Some just have wires crossed and that's that, and the "there are no bad dogs, just bad owners" saying is total bull. If you want a dog, get one wherever you want, I won't judge anyone. Nothing wrong with wanting to know where the animal you're bringing around your family comes from.
stephj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate to say this, but that happens with dogs from breeders, too. Each dog is an individual. Iโm sorry yours is so neurotic.
You have done an amazing job by sticking with him and working on his crazies. For real.
I worked in a shelter where people surrendered their animals for far less issues. (My โfavoriteโ was that puppies take time to housetrain and thatโs hard.)
hagetaro ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:26:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was amazing, never heard it, thanks.
HwKer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:22:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC2dgQ_DUUU
here is another link since that one seems broken
TuckersMyDog ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:29:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it's already down. Fukk you YouTube
sugaree11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:37:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure is. Damn these ppl
lcpl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you! the link worked on my mobile and desktop but others have had problems.
Gingercreeper ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:08:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorite things about bills standup is seeing the progression on how he views and talks about dogs from his early career to now.
sam_galactic ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 00:56:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a Carl Barron classic...
I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
TeniBear ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:30:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would you care for a glass of orange juice?
mschwartz33 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:51:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this in Steven Wright's voice. Maybe cause of his joke "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone"
emmeline_melc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg too bad this is so far down in the replies. Itโs so good
MannschaftPilz ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:04:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like Sarah Silverman's take on this one too.
"I got a dog, I rescued her. Or should I Say she rescued me? I forget which one is less cunty"
PineapplesHit ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:03:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This almost sounds like it could be a Mitch Hedberg joke
ch1burashka ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:04:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A refurbished dog is just as good a new one.
bombhills ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:35:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I refer to my dog I got when he was 2 as used all the time. Catches people right off guard.
morgecroc ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:00:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My car is a rescue.
smartburro ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:24:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog was abused too, his new nick name will be "used and abused"
yeahcheers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there so many dogs at the pound?
Because no one wants them.
PMmeURfavePIZZA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:16:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It seems it just suddenly overnight went from adopted to rescue. And of course people felt like heroes so they just overused the word like crazy.
iRepth ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:04:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly I use the word because I think other people should adopt pets instead of going to breeders, as well. There is nothing that makes one a good person for doing it, it simply is helping out a pet in need and reducing the demand for breeders one customer at a time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Aikrose ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:03:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I pretty much โrescuedโ the dog I have, his owners didnโt care for him, train him, or buy the right food to control his allergies, and then they moved to a new rental home and went โsorry, were not allowed dogs!โ
I expect a downvote or two, but I ended up with a troublemaker of a dog who hates to listen, and as I mentioned before, is allergic to so many things. Iโm the only person in his life whoโs ever trained him or worked with his allergies, and it makes me angry, because I never asked for or wanted a dog, since my old dog had recently died. I got this dog thrown at me, and I had no choice but to take care of him and fix what his old owners didnโt. I totally think I rescued him, because literally everyone else left him behind. I wish I liked him more, I love him and all but I donโt always like him.
TL;DR โrescuedโ a dog from bad owners by getting him dumped on me, against my wishes. Keep him because everyone else hes known has left him and that tugs on my heartstrings.
Jermzberry ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:29:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's a good boi? You are~~~
stephj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eh, you donโt have to like your dog all the time. Kind of like kids!
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously, I LOL'd.
Rithe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a rescue and will be using this joke every time I introduce her to someone
veilofmaya1234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a rescue car.
MaggotMinded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To me a "rescue dog" is one that was abused by its previous owners. Do people really use that term to describe any dog that comes from the pound?
bootyjuice9 ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 23:39:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok Bill Burr
spiderspit ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:04:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An abused dog.
Byizo ยท 7802 points ยท Posted at 20:49:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there were two whales at a bar. The first whale says to the second (make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable). Then the second whale says back to the first (inhale sharply), "Go home Frank. You're drunk."
EvilCalamari ยท 3489 points ยท Posted at 23:06:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do a version of this where the second whale just says, "What?"
rhialto ยท 165 points ยท Posted at 01:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is much funnier.
nagumi ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 00:42:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a good version
puffybunion ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 00:45:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh wow that's a great punchline to this.
alanckar ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 04:01:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're whalecum.
SSuperMiner ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 06:09:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god
frissonic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am so glad I wasn't drinking or eating anything when I read this ...
deadwisdom ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 01:35:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the one where the second one says, "Well, I guess I'm driving us home then."
BardSinister ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 02:06:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do yet another version of this where the second whale makes whale noises until everyone is really uncomfortable. Then everyone else says, "Go home, BardSinister, you're drunk."
TinuvieltheWolf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:28:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you ever do this on a school bus, perchance?
EvilCalamari ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:48:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mmmm probably not, I don't think I started telling it until college
bullet4mv92 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:44:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You didn't take the school bus to college?
VerbalThermodynamics ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:33:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it. OH I make the whale noises! Excellent.
Purdaddy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:54:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Matt Littlehale?
bbbbs ยท 776 points ยท Posted at 01:03:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says "you ladies from Scotland?
They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"
"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
Icedmegaman2 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:58:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Makes whale sounds)
2inkdrops ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:39:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Icedmegaman2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:53:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no u
2inkdrops ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:19:41 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Makes whale sounds)
[deleted] ยท 2640 points ยท Posted at 23:41:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke. I've never said this joke and not received a roomful of laughs. I told it to my family on christmas about 6 years ago and STILL every time I visit, at some point - "Oooh, tell that whale joke!"
Oh, and the key is to make it very uncomfortable with the whale sound. Stretch it out. Inhale and do it again. Maybe even a third one. People who haven't heard it before will start to lose it simply over that. When you say the second whales line they won't stand a chance.
dv2023 ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 01:32:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my personal go-to and your description is spot on, down to inhaling and going for a third round. I always end mine with "Go home Steve, you're drunk." Never not gotten a laugh out of it. And it's a fun joke to tell, too. Full creative control.
YoungSerious ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 02:14:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, in order for this joke to land you really have to get kind of obnoxious with the whale noises.
elsestar ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 00:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive said this joke at two weddings on a microphone and it worked great. Also my friends tried that I tell it in my own wedding but my wife thought it was embarrassing so I didnt.
BadMalz ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 01:47:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While starting your marriage by embarrassing your wife is a party foul, there's no reason you can't tell the joke when you renew your vows a few years down the road ๐
milk4all ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 04:41:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what else is a party foul? Penguins. They look like they're in little tuxes, man. So cute. Play me out, fellas!
MrSickRanchezz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*fowl
milk4all ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:41:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, if you want to make some ducks, you gotta quack a few eggs
biohazardly ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:44:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You need to do a big inhale before the final punchline to increase the surprise.
Tilwaen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:53:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great point
hahanawmsayin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh! Good tip
hahanawmsayin ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which punchline do you use?
[deleted] ยท 182 points ยท Posted at 00:29:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Frank. Your drunk. Go home."
I think starting with the name adds to the shock bit of the joke. Also, i say it in an annoyed way. This other whale is really tired of Frank's shit.
edit: Oh, and goofy faces with the whale noises. Basically be Dory from finding Nemo.
hahanawmsayin ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 00:42:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I'm wondering how that punchline compares to the other one someone else mentioned, just saying
I can see them both being good, but I do like the brevity of the other one
Constable_Bartholin ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:48:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I think I like โwhat???โ better too
Clowntown_Burner ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 00:51:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donno, I like the whale being named Frank.
huckler ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:53:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What, Frank?!
appleappleappleman ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or rather, "Frank... WHAT???"
BezerkMushroom ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 05:10:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or just look disgusted and say "what the fuck, Frank"
PigeonWings ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:06:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sold
mmicecream ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:23:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the version I am going to steal. Thank you.
hahanawmsayin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:05:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not bad
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:53:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw that one, I think it would probably would hit people the most. But as you said the brevity of the other.
I like milking it haha
Tilwaen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:50:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And now we need to see the video of you telling the joke.
maidentaiwan ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 01:32:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i always go with "Give me your keys, Frank. You're drunk." this joke fucking slays. every. single. time. it is truly the most universally funny joke in my arsenal, and i've been known as the 'the guy who knows endless jokes' for about 20 years.
outlawsix ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:42:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TELL US A JOKE, FUNNY MAN
maidentaiwan ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 06:34:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
roman guy walks into a bar and puts two fingers in the air. "five beers, please!"
hahanawmsayin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes! I forgot this one
niklis ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:01:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's these three guys walking on the beach, a [Hispanic], a white guy, and a black guy.
and that's as far as I'll take that reference
penguinsalad ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:43:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg I don't understand this joke wtf
konedawg ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:43:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too!
Edit: Oh wait, I get it now! I first read the (make whale noises) bit as if the first whale was telling the second whale to make those noises. But the first whale MAKES the noises, and then the second whale says 'WHAT?'
Some of the instructions above on 'really leaning into the whale sounds' made it more clear for me.
stickyfingers10 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:24:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same. ๐๐๐
moronicuniform ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 05:47:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not only do the whales speak English, not only is the one whale so drunk he can't speak, they also can drive cars and this whale has decided his friend is too drunk to drive. This absurdity on multiple levels is sparked off by making the audience think you are talking about real whales, who communicate by singing in long "OOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO" sounds
defiance131 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:15:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
try saying it out loud, it totally helped for me unfortunately im alone in my room so it only made me laugh
hahanawmsayin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:36:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this version
Vranak ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 09:26:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this venison
notgayinathreeway ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:18:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, mr endless jokes, why don't you keep up with the jokes
maidentaiwan ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:34:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so i walked in on my sister masturbating with a carrot the other day.
i yelled, "hey, sarah, i still gotta eat that! and now it's gonna taste like a carrot."
PittsburghChris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:48:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can we hang out?
DinosaurChurch ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:24:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do u make whale noises?
[deleted] ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 02:10:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Basically pretend to yawn but slowly change the pitch and volume all over the place
quackycoaster ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:41:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's amazing how accurate a description this is.
Fabreeze63 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:39:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your homework is to watch finding nemo
stefanica ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:11:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this, but we know very different people. If I told this joke at Christmas, people would say "Go home, stefanica, you're drunk."
flowersandferns ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:44:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reading your description was so hilarious haha
Grolbark ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:57:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually make whale noises for a very long time. A few minutes in total maybe, with at least two cycles of people starting to get a grip and slow down with the laughter, only to lose it again. After making a number of fairly repetitive, middle register whale noises, I'll make very low or very high noises. Short bursts of high whoops, then a full breath long low, gravelly ooooo.
It's a great joke. I used to tell it at summer camp to buy the kitchen like five minutes of time to finish getting ready sometimes, never failed.
i_sigh_less ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:55:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've just realized I have no idea how to make whale sounds.
omnilynx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just say "whoa" very slowly.
thefoxandthepound ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:19:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
frantically googles whale noises canโt wait to practice these on my commute.
jimiffondu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:08:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is absolutely the key to this joke. It's been years since I told it. It's coming out for its grand return in the pub tomorrow night.
BlueShellOP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooohhhh this is good advice.
Lactiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It wouldn't work with my family. Wither talk seriously, or use some black humor. Nothing in between. :(
MosquitoRevenge ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:19:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reading it I actually didn't even chuckle. Is whale a synonym for something else or is the funny part that the other whale speaks normally?
SXLightning ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:26:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it? why is this funny other than just making whales noises, there is no joke?
omnilynx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:40:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is that you think the first whale is speaking in whale language, but he's actually just making weird noises and the other whale doesn't know what he's saying either. It's a subversion of expectations.
marco262 ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 03:58:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've improved on it, I think. Tell it with three whales, that way you can have a "conversation" between two of them before the third butts in with the punchline. You can stretch the joke out way longer!
Edit: Wow, for how much Reddit hates reposting jokes, they hate it even more when you try to improve on them.
outlawsix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to do it with four whales
defiance131 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i like to do it with a small choir of whales
Tilwaen ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:56:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Needs to be 20 whales, NEXT!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never get reddit jokes, but I understood this reference!
Tilwaen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:43:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I often don't get them too, especially if they're some older ones. Don't be afraid to ask if you don't get them, though - the links that the others will provide you are often too good to miss.
For those who did not get this reference, you don't want to miss this.
skydra28 ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 00:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a joke my brother always tells.
There's 2 monkeys in a bath. One monkey says "ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh", the second one says "well put more cold in then"
DarthOtter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh I like that. Definitely using that one
skydra28 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:04:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pro tip: the more theatrical the better lol
DarthOtter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:06:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got it! Just like the whale joke (which has been my favourite joke to tell since I saw it on reddit a year or two ago).
Sylverfish ยท 201 points ยท Posted at 23:50:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A jewish man walks into liquor store, and asks for kosher wine. The store owner is skeptical, but checks in back anyway. He searches around, picks up a bottle, dusts it off, and sure enough- kosher wine! So he brings it to the counter, and the jewish man says thank you.
Later, a vegan walks in, and asks for a bottle of vegan wine. Again, the cashier doubts it, but checks in back. He dusts off another bottle, and sure enough- vegan wine! So he brings it to the vegan, and the vegan says thank you.
Later again, a whale walks in the bar, and says "BAWOOOOOOOOOEEEUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAUUUUEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUU"
...
So the cashier checks in the back, dusts off a bottle, and sure enough- BAWOOOOOOOOOEEEUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAUUUUEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUU! So he brings it to the whale, and the whale says thank you.
pkaJIMMBOI ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 02:00:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Til that whale jokes are the funniest jokes ever
ViolaNguyen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:45:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While there's a chance it's not your style, this book has more than its share of whale jokes.
noiwontpickaname ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:56:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. Are the whale noises supposed to be funny and it's just a joke you have to hear instead of read or is it a wine name joke. Either way I'm sure it's funny, but the confusion killed it
TearShitDown ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 01:04:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the "punch line" is that the whale says "thank you"
noiwontpickaname ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 01:08:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn I completely missed that. Thank you.
outlawsix ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:45:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You dont need to repeat the punchline
IsaacEiland-Hall ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:50:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you.
Sylverfish ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:07:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup! Ninja edit: also the fact that there's a bottle of wine named whatever whale noise
rogert2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
nerfviking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be a little bit nervous if wine isn't vegan.
jephw12 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:57:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The wine is vegan, but they commonly use animal products to de-haze it, called fining agents.
With-a-Cactus ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 23:55:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of one I heard in high school.
A priest, a rabbi, and a whale walk into a bar. The priest walks up and asks for a glass of the blood of Christ. The rabbi walks up and asks for a small glass of their oldest sacramental wine. The whale glides up and says, "eeeeeeeeeiiiiiioooooooooooouuuuh"
you-sworn-aim ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 00:33:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but you gotta really milk the hell out of the whale noises! Like three or four minutes at a minimum. Listen to some real humpback whale sounds for inspiration. Try weird growls. Try making strange vocal noises while inhaling with your mouth shut and flapping your tongue back and forth. Hum while opening and closing your jaw. Take what you did for the last 10 seconds and try to repeat it exactly. Then repeat it again but add a weird trill somewhere. Clear your throat a bit so people think you're wrapping it up. But no, keep squealin! Make the highest pitch sound you can make. Then make the lowest. Transition to a sequence of falling glissandi between the two extremes. Gurgle a bit. Add ten or fifteen seconds of silence so everyone is convinced you're finished, but then bust back in with full force. Own it! Scream as loudly as you can without opening your mouth. Go back to some of the same noises you made at the start. Once you finally say "so then the second whale says..." make sure you then give it plenty of breathing room (and even look like you're mentally psyching yourself up for another 5 minutes of sonic torture) before hitting them with the ending.
AndydeCleyre ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:31:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, these are the detailed instructions I needed.
ajmartin527 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:43:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL that today I could learn to sound like a whale
Barbarian_Assault ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:25:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donโt you think it would no longer be funny after like 5 seconds?
ajmartin527 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:43:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe... if youโre some kind of Barbarian
HazardCinema ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:18:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
5-20 secs might lose the audience, but 20-60secs and you're onto a winner. You need to go all in or not at all.
hahanawmsayin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:12:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta fight through it. Commitment!
you-sworn-aim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually you're completely right that it's no longer funny after 5 seconds. But then... like magic at around 15-20 seconds, the absurdity of what's continuing to happen seems to make it funny again. Until... 5 seconds later it's not as funny. But this cyclic pattern actually continues and (if you do it right) can lead to increasingly funny waves over time.
alickstee ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:16:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This actually reminds me of my favorite joke.
Two sausages are frying in a pan. The one sausage says, "man, it's hot in here." and the other sausage says, (in a terrified voice) "AAAAHHH!! A talking sausage!!".
MonkyThrowPoop ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:15:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same here, only with muffins in an oven. Iโve always loved that one.
theabobination ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:38:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's my go to joke, but with eggs. Lots of eye rolling, every time!
NoFleas ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 23:59:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aha, that is funny. When I initially read this I thought the first whale was telling the second whale to make whale noises and I didn't find that funny at all.
krippler_ ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:41:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuxk me too, I had to read it a couple times
Ansoni ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:53:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of
The_keg__man ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:09:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 whales are swimming off the coast of japan. In the distance one of them sees a whaling ship.
"Stop... you see that ship over there? That ship killed my father, I wish I could get some revenge on those cunts"
The second whale pipes up
"Well how about this? We sneak over and under the ship, rise and use our blowholes to turn the ship overboard?"
"YEAH LET'S DO IT!"
So they swim underneath the ship and they capsized the boat. They're both celebrating whilst all the sailors are drowning but I'm the corner of his eye the first whale sees the captain swimming for shore.
"QUICK LET'S EAT HIM!" He shouts.
"Look I'm alright with the blowjob but I'm not gonna swallow the seamen too".
And another that only works if you're british.
A whale swims along the bottom of the sea. On his travels he sees a squid rolling around on the sand and clutching it's belly.
"You alright mate?" Says the whale.
"I feel sick, ever so sick" says the squid.
So the whale scoops up the squid in its fins and swims a little further along to his friend a shark. The shark sees the whale, looks at the squid and says "what's this mate?"
The whale says "it's the sick squid I owe you".
And for those who don't get it. A quid is slang for a pound. So sick squid = six quid.
ajmartin527 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:58:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm an American who lived in London for a couple of years. I think of all the British sayings I wish Americans could understand itโs โyou alright mate?โ.
That is used universally in so many situations in the UK that would be completely lost over here. Itโs a bummer.
The_keg__man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the way we say it too. " 'rite mate?"
But yeah it's a vastly overused phrase here. Haha.
thewinterzombie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:03:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Americans don't say "you alright mate?". That genuinely takes up most of my vocabulary. They're missing out.
prim3y ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:23:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of my favorite joke...
Two muffins are sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says, "Damn, it is hot in here."
The other muffins turns and says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
(it never fails especially if you yell the punchline as loud as possible to really catch people off guard.)
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:47:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Variation, my ex's favorite joke.
There are three horses who have finished their races for the week. The first horse says, "I don't want to brag, fellahs--but I just won 18 out of my 28 races." Second horse says, "Big deal. I just won 20 out of 25." The third horse says, "I just won 26 out of 30!"
In the corner there's a greyhound who's resting. He raises his head up and says, "Guys, I don't want to seem like a jerk but I just won 89 of my 92 races."
First horse says, "Wow. That's impressive." Second horse says, "No kidding!" Third horse says, "Yeah, a talking dog!!!"
Although I do not think my ex is funny anymore, this joke is.
ajmartin527 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah so heโs not your funny ex, heโs just ex funny.
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:40:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol well... actually he was pretty hilarious. But gambling mortgage payments ain't funny.
theabobination ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:40:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And than you tell the same joke later, bit with other food items: bread slices in the toaster, pizzas in the oven... works every time!
prim3y ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:45:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or animals, that works as well. "One cow turns to the other and says, Man this is some good tasting grass." etc etc.
mrmnder ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:37:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into Western Union with his dog and says the dog wants to send a telegram and gives him the contact info.
The WU guy says "Okay, what's the message?"
The man responds with "Woof, Woof Woof Woof, Woof Woof, Woof Woof Woof."
WU guy says to the man "The price is the same for 10 words as for 9 and he could send another Woof if he'd like."
The dog then says "But then the message wouldn't make any sense!"
Edit: corrected some numbers
IsaacEiland-Hall ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:55:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's 11 of them, though. :P
Cyb3r_Genesis ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:35:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno. It sounds good in theory, but I have a friend who tries to pull this one off with some frequency and Iโve never seen it work. Guess itโs one of those ones with some skill required.
farhan1666 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:36:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
hoodie92 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:19:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You make whale noises so people assume that the whale is talking in whale-ish.
Then it turns out that he can speak English but he's just really drunk.
BrokenStool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:07:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Different cultures i guess.
JordanLCheek ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:56:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude I was so fucking confused about this. I thought the whale was telling his friend to make whale noises not you telling us to make whale noises and when I finally realized I laughed so hard my cat jumped across the room. Thank you for this.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:26:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:10:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like this
Leafbarn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:53:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like other people do the high pitched version. I like the low pitched version. Make a car, vroom vroom sound, but replace the "vr" with "wuh". So it goes wuhooooooooom wuhooooommm wuhooooooouum.
_Lady_Deadpool_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:25:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the baby seal that walked into a club?
ajmartin527 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is the punchline in this sentence and Iโm missing it, or am I supposed to say no, how does it go?
hahanawmsayin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:17:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's better as, "Baby seal walks into a club..."
pm-me-your-areola ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:15:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is sitting at a bar drinking when two rather large women walk up and order drinks. The man turns to them and says "I couldn't help but notice your accents. Are you ladies from Scotland?". They reply "it's Wales you jack ass!" "Sorry.... are you two WHALES from Scotland?"
MissSwat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I absolutely love this one I and I make the whale noises for as long as possible until I can sense I'm losing them.
rogue780 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Derek?
SirMcBeardington ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have used this as my goto since I saw it on an AskReddit like this a few years ago. I like to start with "Two whales are swimming in the ocean" and end with "Steve your drunk." Though I don't know if Steve is better than Frank. I mean Steve is flirting with a PI.
stephannnnnnnnnnnnn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one has a very Seth MacFarlane feel to it, like a bit from Family Guy.
Captain_Nerdrage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:35:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke just broke my wife a little.
10 outta 10.
rcapina ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:57:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke. I think the largest crowd I've told it to is 30ish people in a church basement (not a comedian). On my bucket list is to get to tell it into a Mike/PA system.
szee23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:49:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm 100% sure that this is not a joke, that everyone on this thread is participating in some elaborate sham to make all non-sham-participants reading it shake their head and say โwtf? wtf? wtf?โ Bots. All of you.
Nimbus2017 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:52:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe I'm not imagining the delivery correctly but I don't write get why the joke is so universally funny. Is it just because the second whale isn't going along with the first and calls him Frank? At what point in the joke would whale noises be made? While he talks, like in Nemo?
penguinsalad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:34:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it :c
tekhnomancer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke absolutely killed when I told it over Skype to a few friends. Love it.
Shaggy_357 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of my favorite : (sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy) "Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her cap and called it auuuneeeeuuurwaaaaaahgg!"
The key to the joke is making a horrible impersonation of a deaf person. Have fun with it, kids!
Yteburk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it..?
Billisits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this in a rage comic a really long time ago when rage comics were popular but it was surprisingly good
A man overhears the two women next to him speaking with an interesting accent. He asks,
"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One angrily replies, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
Taken aback, he replies, "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
Leafbarn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to as well, except the punch line is, "Steve, you're drunk!"
WarMaiden666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tried to tell this to my husband but halfway through the whale noises I started laughing uncontrollably and couldnโt stop. It took me five minutes to finish the joke and now Iโm laughing again.
isthewonder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told me husband this joke, and my dog seems very concerned.
Mr_Greatimes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite
yakodman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried but I dont get it?
WalterDuggan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was my favorite so far.
rambosausage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:55:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm taking this as my own
ISpyM8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:26:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always use โJimmy,โ and I have a third whale that says, โHoly shit! A talking whale!โ
Milfje ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to do a similar one where I ask people what a 25 kg weighing sparrow does on top of the roof, then scream their ears off going TWEET TWEET
MildeMastracci ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one has failed for me many times.
Ask_Me_To_Prophesy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do a version where I just keep going until everyone tells me to stop. I'm not allowed to tell that joke anymore...
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages are being cooked in a frying pan.
One sausage rolls over to face the other and says, "Sure is hot in here."
The second one screams, "Holy shit! A talking sausage!"
BigCheese95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is absolutely hilarious
sittingongum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:08 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Told this in front of a work group of 300 people yesterday. The joke was a hit. And Frank left the room.
Kirid420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:28 on May 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales walk into a bar. First whale says: (make whale sounds) The other whale: its a fucking joke, we can talk.
TrashCastle ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:26:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have to break it to you, but this joke is the worst. Way too long of a buildup for a punchline that isn't funny. Anyone who listens to the end is just being polite.
dingu-malingu ยท 10365 points ยท Posted at 19:59:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
DemiGod9 ยท 1525 points ยท Posted at 21:59:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly if "forth" got eternal life, what the hell did first get?
bob84900 ยท 1965 points ยท Posted at 22:12:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it's like a radio giveaway
GunnieGraves ยท 895 points ยท Posted at 23:47:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caller #7 wins the tickets to Miley Cyrus and the omnipotence. Call now!!
Dudelyllama ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:21:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about caller 8?
happytime1711 ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 01:34:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!
Dudelyllama ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:35:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better than a Miley Cyrus concert.
Urdus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:30:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I'd rather be caller 8 tbh
ButItMightJustWork ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:40:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why would you even call then?
HMJ87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:52:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To tell them that they don't want the miley cyrus tickets obviously
CokeCanNinja ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:30:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean if you win the omnipotence you don't really need the tickets, you already know what it's going to be like.
IndigoList ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:13:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's omniscience you're thinking of. Omnipotence is having unlimited power, omniscience is the state of knowing everything.
CokeCanNinja ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:16:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like you'd have the power to know what it's going to be like.
IndigoList ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:25:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the sense that you would have the ability to give yourself omniscience, yes.
aza9999 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:56:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But would you have the power to make a rock so heavy that you couldn't lift it?
Wolf_Protagonist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:36:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would you be able to microwave a burrito so hot that you couldn't eat it?
GunnieGraves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this reference.
GunnieGraves ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good point.
With_Hands_And_Paper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, it's a Miley Cyrus concert, you don't need omnipotence to know it's gonna be shit.
6inchesofheaven ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:15:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read this as impotence which to be honest is even funnier.
GunnieGraves ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:27:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya win some ya lose some I guess.
Jagjamin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:15:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what the guy who came last has.
g0atmeal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:12:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caller #7 receives immortality but callers 6 and 8 receive chronic impotence!
Would you do it?
troflwaffle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta risk it for the biscuit
FPJaques ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/V8wLprzdTB4
_Lady_Deadpool_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:30:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caller #8 wins tickets to Nickelback and the impotence!
karmasutra1977 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a line David Foster Wallace would've written. So good, and so creepy.
notliamross ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... And now... the weather
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Miley Cyrus and the Omnipotence is my new band name.
mitch13815 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I take only half of a prize?
eklect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This comment was almost as loud as a noisy gif. Anyone else hear this in radio voice?
MisterMcGiggles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hard pass.
Jagd3 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:39:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Miley Cyrus tickets? Ehh think I'll pass.
Graphiteknight60 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:02:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lose the Miley Cyrus tickets and you have got a deal.
PorkRindSalad ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:06:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But I don't WANT a radio...
epic_pig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Toyotathon?
Gators44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:26:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a trick! If you won omnipotence youโd know better than to go see Miley Cyrus.
BentGadget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great! Now we just need to fill in 2 and 3.
Like a radio, maybe
???
???
Eternal life
Toaster
bob84900 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait do you actually not know what I meant?
BentGadget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No. I mean yes, I know what you meant, but there was an opportunity there, just waiting...
bob84900 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay I was about to be like "whoosh" but I thought maybe the whoosh was on me lol.
wadsworthsucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Radio DJ: you just won $1000 for being the 5th caller! What's your favorite radio station?!
Caller: THIS ONE!
TheSeaOfThySoul ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 22:19:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine if 4th prize is eternal life, 3rd must be "Become a god among men", 2nd must be "Become God", and 1st must be "Become Azathoth".
hillside ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:17:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Azasos...Still doesn't ring a bell.
TheSeaOfThySoul ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:56:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โOutside the ordered universe is that amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinityโthe boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes.โ
~ H. P. Lovecraft , The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:20:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TheSeaOfThySoul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:24:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like every primary school musical performance happening at once.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:38:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TheSeaOfThySoul ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think, I just know.
Parori ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh you Lovecraft
salothsarus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:17:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
or maybe they're just giving out 4 eternal lives and a consolation prize
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe the first prize is two eternal lives, where you can gift one to a friend?
Puddnhead_Wilson ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:17:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The entire trinity was taking a vacation, first through third filled those slots.
Negrolicious ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:45:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 Harlem globetrotter tickets and a bud light poncho
darthbane83 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:46:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
probably a ticket to heaven. Poor fourth guy.
dingu-malingu ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:59:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hmmm
Jacksonteague ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:32:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A BRAND NEW CAR!
Travjbell ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:50:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eternal youth
AmbulanceChaser12 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A burger & fries meal from Five Guys all to himself.
mushbrain ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:08:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hell. He got hell.
ikfotsur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:12:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two toasters
Hugo_Hackenbush ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Cadillac Eldorado.
dweicl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:03:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three eternal lives.
Gonzo1889 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Cadillac El Dorado.
rogergreatdell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A brand new Cadillac El Dorado
McGreevy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:04:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sweet release of death.
ShittyShittyNameName ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They get to be God. First three spots are taken.
repeatedly_banned ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
72 virgins.
Flimflamsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably Jesus
gsfgf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Daiquiri machine
Zuphixavex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sweet release of death
the-count ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:59:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
father, son, and holy ghost were the original trinity. fourth was the next available option.
grimskull1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:18:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kicked out of the petting zoo
t33m3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:34 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They were spared the curse of immortality in space after the sun explodes in 2800
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:48 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You think eternal life is a win?
paedrarmy1 ยท 1688 points ยท Posted at 20:55:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Mark came sixth and had to eat the biscuit.
ihatethesidebar ยท 379 points ยท Posted at 22:15:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, Mark gets to testify before Congress.
homesnatch ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 23:54:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was after he ate the biscuit.
realizmbass ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:19:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh hi mark
buy_some_winrar ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 22:46:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!redditGarlic
Sao_Gage ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:52:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh harder than any of the jokes in this thread. Reddit Garlic? The fuck ...lol.
sealedinterface ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:44:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's like Reddit silver but garlic-ier.
frolicking_elephants ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:05:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a real thing, unfortunately.
Urdus ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:33:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HOW DARE YOU?!?
comehomedarling ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:39:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please do tell
Owner2229 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:22:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where is it tho? Is the bot late?
kokopoo12 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:20:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So trendy.
SOwED ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:34:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zucc my analytica
emptycollins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On a booster seat.
CarolinaFan120 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 00:12:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I had reddit gold
SirSupernova ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:11:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes it's a wheat thin.
Semi-Pro_Biotic ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:45:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're a monster.
Burnsun ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this made me laugh pathetically out lou and follow up with a big sigh
chillywilly16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought that was Fred Durst.
dingu-malingu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:03:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I like that
OldManWilliamson ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 21:54:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You like Mark eating that cum-soaked biscuit, yeah? You enjoy that thing? You sick, naughty boy.
dingu-malingu ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:59:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop it OldManWilliamson
Pure_Reason ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:45:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well technically itโs the last one, so Mark would have come... thirteenth? Twelfth if Jesus wasnโt participating but why wouldnโt he
Zoefschildpad ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:44:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is why thirteen is considered unlucky
AaronVsMusic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs how Iโm telling it in the future
Tru-Queer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh yeah, give me that soggy cinnamon roll.
ch1burashka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoever's last has to eat it, them's the rules.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Tommy_C ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:04:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no u
agree-with-you ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you both
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:40:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, Rowan Atkinson
Buddha_is_my_homeboy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:29:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And they said, โhow the hell did you do that??โ
Brittely ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:32:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke! Gets me to laugh every single time I hear and tell it.
joelomite11 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:19:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
James Joyce invented this joke in Finnigan's Wake: "and God said 'Come forth Lazarus!' And Lazarus came fifth and lost the job."
Ninja edit: I fact checked myself, it was Ulysses not Finnagin's Wake"
buzzedcatana ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:45:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one wins. I laughed out loud and scared my dog.
Double_A7 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:03:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
John came last so he had to eat the biscuit.
Cosplaybaby29 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 20:49:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I freakin spit out my water! This one wins.
dingu-malingu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:03:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks! haha I tell it person all the time, It sometimes gets a laugh.
Cetorcean ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a slight variety of this joke which is short and sweet but utterly brilliant.
The lord said to Moses come forth. He came third and won a coconut.
prettybadmccree ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then John came in Cynthia, so he won Julian
SovereignRLG ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:50:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Team Liquid playing the long con.
V0LTR0Nyt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same
daredaki-sama ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:22:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
did john get burned to death or something? or was he one of the lucky non martyrs?
espilono ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was banished to the island of Patmos when he was an old man. Supposedly he had to work in the mines on the island. That's the last we hear about him, so it is assumed that he died there.
aregularhumanbean ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favs! Thanks
10after6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And John slipped on a camel turd and came in third, allowing one point for the common people.
YenOlass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:24:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But alas John came first, and disappointed his girlfriend.
Freiling ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Twelfth place is you're fired.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is go-to joke too. Wish I could go back years to when I first heard the joke. I was in splits.
toeofcamell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:55:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
But alas John came fifth, so he ate the biscuit
Chris_in_Lijiang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:29:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it as: And God said unto Mose: Come forth, come forth! And he came fifth and won a box of oranges.
wabqween ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Judas approached the rabbis and Pharisees saying, "The one whom I kiss is the one you seek."
To which they responded, "Gay."
becorcur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:09:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of Monty Python for some reason
TheGentlemanK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:35:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is among my top 5 favourite jokes of all time.
ProfessorDowellsHead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the variant where John comes third. It throws in the twist that God's omniscient, omnibenevolent, and ineffable judgment values a toaster above eternal life.
It's a nice reminder that a being as different from us as we imagine God to be would be so different as to have goals and values we're incapable of understanding. Just as we'd probably prioritize what is desirable in a way ants would find equally bizarre.
theknights-whosay-Ni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always finish that joke with "but he came fifth and had to eat the biscuit."
Kaibakura ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:54:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have never found this funny and I really donโt understand why people love it so much.
dingu-malingu ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:05:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neat
LucyKendrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While Christ is being crucified he sees John in the crowd of onlookers and starts yelling his name "John, John I must talk to you" John trys his way to get to Christ but is beaten back by the guards. Again, Christ yells to him "John, John please. I must speak with you!" Again, John rushes to the front only to get beaten back yet again. He's almost had enough, but he has to see what Christ has to say. " John!, This might be it. I'm going to heaven. I must speak to you one last time" Finally John builds up the strength and courage and runs past the guards with everything he has left in him and finally looks up at Christ " Yes, Lord. I'm here. Please tell me what to do!" Christ looks down at John and says, "John, I can see your place from here"
PhantomStar69420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:42:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternative punchline: John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit
runnybabbit91 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my boyfriend's version:
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But alas John came fifth, so he had to eat the biscuit.
Alphonse__Elric ยท 15118 points ยท Posted at 21:23:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, โHey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?โ
Larry says, โI hope itโs chuck because heโs really cute.โ
ThatGuyChuck ยท 10187 points ยท Posted at 00:37:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I am really cute.
Thanks Larry.
TheAnomaly85 ยท 2090 points ยท Posted at 01:49:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry
TooLazyToBeClever ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 04:21:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is no way this isn't planned. Quick, to the conspiracy thread!
MrGMinor ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 09:47:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, planned in the sense that someone set up an obvious joke and another person realized it and followed through.
Jess067 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:34:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go poop on someone else's party
MrGMinor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:34:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm? The guy I replied to is the one pooping. I'm saying the joke was made organically, he's the one being cynical about it...
TooLazyToBeClever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorey that made you upset. I was actually just making a joke, myself. I'm just not very funny. Hence the "to the conspiracy thread!" Guess I should have added the /s
But I'll give you an upvote cause sarcasm is hard to understand.
MrGMinor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:05 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh don't worry it didn't uspet me, I was just trying to correct you, but there was a misunderstanding. Shit happens all the time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:03 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of poop and shit going on in this thread.
JustASyncer ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 02:03:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit, beat me to the punch
hoopsrule44 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:15:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welp, thatโs it for me. Well done Reddit, Iโm packing it in
tjonnyc999 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 06:17:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So is Larry.
tjonnyc999 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
unexpected but I'll take it
mossbergGT ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:00:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I now ship you Churry
Quizzika ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:00 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about Laruck? Charry? Chuckarry?
With_Hands_And_Paper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:27:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And their children shall be called Cherry and Luck.
Sandpaper_Pants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chuck and Buck (if you've seen the movie, YOU know what I'm talking about)
tjonnyc999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:17:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Banana-fana-fo...
ThomasMartel234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:50:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a bad sitcom
Tucamaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a weird way to pronounce his name.
miniemor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love me a good Larriage.
kiradotee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:18:53 on June 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually pronounced ฤhฬรบฤแธฑ and Lรกrry.
Dustfinger_ ยท 297 points ยท Posted at 01:34:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/beetlejuicing
[deleted] ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 01:48:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
6 year old account, too
DamienVonDoom ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 01:49:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But where the hell is Larry dammit!?
Slixil ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 01:58:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LAAAAARRRRY. IVE BEEN CALLING YOU LARRY.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:54:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that skit gets me every time
JellyButtet ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:59:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LARRY!
Yamchips ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:49:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Larry, aisle 7! We need the bananas!
[deleted] ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 02:51:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
JellyButtet ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:00:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/beetlejuicing
dragonfighter60 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:21:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
His name is Terry now.
Niggalarry ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:50:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome?
Pritam1997 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:33:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We need a Dave right now
uns0licited_advice ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 01:28:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Check out the username
Trooble ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 01:41:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username also checks out
TooFewChars ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:08:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chucks out?
giladS697 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chuck testa!
Silvernix ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:43:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was a throwaway account. Nope. 6y. Plenty of posts
Dylsnick ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:31:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
username chucks in.
dickpics25 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:18:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
6 yrs and finally your moment has come!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:08:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
KolonelJoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Double beetlejuicing?!
potatersareawesome ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:14:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
now kith
rogert2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
maybe-gay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:11:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This raises my suspicions
WillemDafoesAlterEgo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I ship this
OneFinalEffort ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:58:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How's the Buy More these days?
jsntco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuice
pandarabbi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
HyNeko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
michaltee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:41:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/beetlejuicing
leecherwhiz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:46:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/beetlejuicing
geppsdood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:02:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
ReallyBricks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:25:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
Summoorevincent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/fuckchuck
AwesomeREDEMPTION ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username fulfilled !
GR3GS4WY3R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found the bus driver.
fabcauterizer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. Over six years.
larry1186 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre welcome
larryistrash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome.
AWaterMaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
Asdftrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eyyy fellow Trimps user.
They_Beat_Me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
JustBuzzin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:59 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wanna be in the screenshot! /r/beetlejuicing
Bearded_Ranga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:48 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing/
SulemanC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:14 on April 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
10/10 beetlejuicing
theflamelurker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:57:11 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We did it reddit!
danieljohnsonjr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:43 on July 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
UnargumentativeNerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
elgigantedelsur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beetlejuice!
itsxki ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 01:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
doolu ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
socialistphilosopher ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
OgreDragon ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
muddude ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/beetlejuicing
DoomMarine87 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
PuttyGod ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:01:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
Maulachite ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:35:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
GoneKrogering ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:46:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some r/beetlejuicing going on here.
_vidhwansak_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:55:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
BardsApprentice ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:12:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
grammascookies ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 02:54:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/beetlejuicing
rfox93 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 04:35:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
R/beetlejuicing
Jo3dawg ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 03:44:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
nwL_ ยท 768 points ยท Posted at 23:29:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know swans can be gay?
Vakieh ยท 589 points ยท Posted at 00:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i cry evertiem
Alber81 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2meta4me
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:18:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know all frogs are gay?
LordDeathDark ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:47:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
CHEMICALS IN THE WATER
marlow41 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:47:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks Obama
joesteve128 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:47:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They're putting chemicals in the water that
TURN THE FRICKING FROGS GAY
TheBrotherhoods ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:32:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
U know cows can have best friends?
PhilxBefore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most annoying radio ads.
nativejuju ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:28:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs just the one swan actually
jimbojones230 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:30:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great, now Iโm crying.
h0bb1tm1ndtr1x ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:48:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Paging u/GaySwansMakeMeCry
Infinitale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/u/GaySwansMakeMeCry
KyleForCongress ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:16:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
cries
onnenena ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The chemicals in the water have widened their horizons
seebeedubs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHY WOULD YOU REMIND ME????!
Nasty_nads_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Homosexuality is among all of the animal kingdom
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:36:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They're referencing this.
RadioactiveWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:'-|
gregandrews ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its just the one Swan actually
dollabilllz ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 00:04:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A+ for name choice
paracelsus23 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:14:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It embodies him.
PR43T0R14N ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 00:44:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gay jokes aren't funny, cum on guys
j_sunrise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Usually I'd agree but this one seems oddly cute.
CypherWolf21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:44 on May 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm usually against gay jokes, butt fuck it.
LeoMarius ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:58:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That means at least a couple of those 8 guys I slept with are gay.
emojilover3001 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:53:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wonderful
Throwaway198517 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:36:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Canโt stop laughing at this!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:02:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
awww
geekworking ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:59:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The definition of a good friend is someone who will go to a hooker and get 2 blowjobs then give one to you.
chiPersei ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All these jokes are cute but this one made me laugh out loud. Hope you don't mind it I use it.
Jonesey130 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:08:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A similar one I've heard:
"Did you know that one in three households has a pedophile?" "Ha, not me, I live next to two smoking hot ten year olds."
ForAlderaanReasons ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:14:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry
wellthatsjustfine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:46:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Big brother?
sandieeeee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my winner
chuckq4yoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow okay lol
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are pretty cute for a guy with a scribbly black face.
molotovmitchy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:26:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Larry says "I think it's Chuck cause his dick tastes like shit"
SmokeyUnicycle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's adorable
Chuckfinley_88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, this really made my day
Thanks Larry
Raidpackreject ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Chuck and I approve of this joke.
Ovidio1005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry I forgot, did you get your body back in the end?
Zero9One ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well done. First one in this thread to make me actually lol
violinbzjc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently one in four guys can't count either.
ShaneFerguson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:52:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's funny that the first line of the joke refers to someone generically "One of them says..."
But when it comes to the punch line Larry and Chuck are named.
The inconsistency between those two lines have me a laugh (and the joke is funny too)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:21 on June 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1 out of 11 people are gay
Coincidentally I've slept with 11 people
That means that one of those dudes was gay
MizukiAyu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:07:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awwww this one's a bit cute and not an awful gay joke
Vixenstein ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:06:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahahaha!!!!
chuktesta ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NOPE
extasytj ยท 11481 points ยท Posted at 22:53:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Sodacan1228 ยท 2091 points ยท Posted at 00:48:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it differently, where at the end the female birds say "Hello Father Micheal!"
brutallyhonestfemale ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 02:53:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait I need to hear the in between part of this
rvmillington ยท 197 points ยท Posted at 03:19:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's usually one parrot that a woman gets a good deal on a parrot because it used to be the pet at a brothel, and then it is taken home to her family and it calls her wife the "madam" and comments on her daughters like they are prostitutes (like "new girls working today", or something, I don't quite recall)...but then when the husband comes home it says "Hello _____" showing the familiarity.
I think the Joke could definitely work with that punch-like but it would make most sense if a nun bought it or something and it assumed all the nuns were prostitutes, and then recognized the priest.
Naggins ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 11:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke really doesn't make any sense without this set-up.
captainAwesomePants ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 03:00:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the whole joke. Turns out the female parrots learned the two most common phrases their previous owners said.
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 03:02:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AlmostButNotQuit ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 03:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And if you tell it a second time that's a rePete
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:22:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
salamanderhunt ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 04:26:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โTwas yer first day with the hook
Phoenie81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:21:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day!!!
HeathenForAllSeasons ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:03:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A vice most obscene and unsavory,
Holds the Bishop of Barking in slavery,
With lascivious howls,
He deflowers young owls,
That he lures to an underground aviary.
stickyfingers10 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:30:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't you come take a seat over here..
Aeyrien ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my.
devedander ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:04:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This wouldn't make sense as the priest wouldn't suggest bringing them over.
The one that works is her husband comes home and the birds know call him by name
qwigle ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:18:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I think the guy is confusing two jokes as one.
ajmartin527 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This would be better if the birds were adolescent males that said that
Wolf_Protagonist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:31:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY?
GrizzzlyPanda ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:12:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He wasn't responding to that, but what a hoot.
ChiefTief ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:24 on April 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not important but it's essentially always spelled Michael*
Sodacan1228 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:15 on April 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My roommate spells it Micheal, but he's French so it's probably some sort of elaborate joke.
GladiatorAlpacaMiss ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 01:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that joke from a drunk aunt when I was a kid. Iโve never forgotten it.
Tru-Queer ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:36:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a pet raven that knows how to speak, except the only word it can say is โCar!โ and it says it with a Boston accent.
JessieN ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:42:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only part that made me actually laugh
FlySwatTeam ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 01:46:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love it. Would you tell the joke with parrot voices when you say the "hi, we're prostitutes..." line?
Sophrosynic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:45:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is not a good joke. It feels very forced and you can see the punchline coming halfway through.
cornylamygilbert ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:07:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT DID THE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO THE OTHER LESBIAN VAMPIRE?
SEE YOU NEXT MONTH
princesskate ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:21:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
Gee we really do taste like chicken.
cornylamygilbert ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:47:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whoa joke soul mate!
Backmaskw ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:59:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your "go-to joke" is 7 paragraphs? Bitch please
MoldySixth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it :(
HardlightCereal ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:43:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The male parrots were praying for prostitutes
PanamaMoe ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:16:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The male parrots were supposed to be wholesome with the prayer (which roseries are used in, hence the beads comment), but they were really just praying for two prostitutes so that they can have sex which is a most unpreist like thing to do.
If you are still having trouble try replacing the parrots with people (and of course other words for the people equivalent)
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two daughters, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two daughters over to my house and I will put them with my two sons whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My sons will teach your daughters to stop saying that terrible phrase and your daughter will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her daughters to the priest's house. His two sons are holding rosary beads and praying in their rooms. The lady puts her two daughters in with the sons and the daughters say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One son looks over at the other son and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Tru-Queer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I wanna tell this joke, but with Guinea pigs.
Lab_Animal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for being the only joke in the thread I havenโt heard. Which isnโt to say itโs a bad thread - some of my favourite jokes are in here.
ramsee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They don't necessarily have to put the beads away.
John_Dee_007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I the only one who thought this joke was going somewhere with anal beads?
Runningonempty98 ยท 6511 points ยท Posted at 20:37:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
There was a face off in the corner
meowhahaha ยท 2207 points ยท Posted at 21:30:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why wouldnโt the prostitute see the leper again? Last time he didnโt pay, just left her the tip.
the_alabaster_llama ยท 1486 points ยท Posted at 21:56:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that one as:
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
[deleted] ยท 701 points ยท Posted at 22:35:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Simple, yet disgusting.
MrHall ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:32:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did you call me?
ADHD_Supernova ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:22:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Al.
dobraf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
found betty
jem_and_the_holodeck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More like found Peg
A_Diamond_Bullet ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:03:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Slimy, yet satisfying.
Renkin42 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:21:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All right, calm down Timone.
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Much like babies.
Dinsdale_The_Piranha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not if you've had them prepared correctly.
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:31:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Four a.m. and finding this very funny.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
perfect
Dodgiestyle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/me_irl
IamDavidBowieAMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:39:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wE LIVE IN A SOCIETY BOTTOM TEXT
marsglow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock on a rainy day in April? Because April showers bring May flowers. Ba-dun-tiss.
molaupi ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:55:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know it as:
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Oh don't pull it out, I'll be back tomorrow.
squirrelforbreakfast ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:27:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best part about sex with a leper?
Souvenirs.
PM_ME_MAMMARY_GLANDS ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you have two lepers in a hot tub?
Oatmeal.
fiestainblue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard the punchline as "Stu."
murielscapt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:21:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the duck say to the prostitute. Put it on my bill!
karl2025 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? You really have to hand it to her.
anix421 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at the zoo circumsizing the animals. The pay sucked but I got to keep the tips.
-Thomas_Jefferson- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know a guy who does circumcisions for free but he keeps the tips
unpopularopinion0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why would anyone assume to not keep a tip. itโs keep the change.
Dank-Boi69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:33:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do Lepers drop their penis tips after sex or something?
youaremom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:27:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But keep the tip isn't a saying. Keep the change is, you are already supposed to keep the tip.
gaynazifurry4bernie ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:07:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it is just a shortened version of "keep the change as your tip." Also jokes, much like frogs, tend to die when you dissect them.
YenOlass ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:20:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a leper in a wind tunnel?
Confetti
AllFx0neFxAll ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:31:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have to hand it to blind prostitutes...
fermatagirl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:48:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the gigilo who moved to a leper colony? The first week business was OK, but after the second week business was not doing so well; by the third week, business dropped off completely.
Faust2391 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:28:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind prostitute told me I was the biggest she ever had!
But sadly she was just pulling my leg.
AwesomeJohn01 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:59:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a leper in the bathtub? Soup!
penguinopusredux ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 23:16:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The lepers also had a rough time of it at the World Series of Poker.
One player threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off.
GozuTashoya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget the one who cried his eyes out.
HuckleberryJazz ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 23:27:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell when a leper has been using your shower?
Your bar of soap keeps getting bigger.
Penachilin ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:46:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha yuck!
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:43:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did the leper fail his driving exam?
He left his foot on the gas.
metyuadem ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:43:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the leper baseball player? He dropped a ball in left field.
entreethegiant ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:22:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
similarly, why was jesus' least favorite sport hockey?
he kept getting nailed to the boards
didgeridoome24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:46:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lmao underrated joke of the thread
Chi-lan-tro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:12:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But he was a good goalie because JESUS SAVES!
monkeytwenty ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:14:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was there a break in the leper football game? There was a hand off in the backfield.
verdatum ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:11:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the uncle say to his nephew in the leper colony?
"Got yer nose!"
peeves91 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:22:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened at the leper poker game?
They all threw their hands in.
shadfc ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did they stop the leper world series? Someone dropped a ball
gn0xious ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:07:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stew
dave_gormen_3 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:33:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I recently learned that leprosy doesn't cause people to lose body parts. I think leprosy causes nerve damage which results in people being unable to feel injuries etc.. and so this results in infections which ultimately result in gangrene and amputation. Look it up on wiki. I feel like I have been lied to.
MyActualNameIsCarl ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:48:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy having a drink at the pub looks across the bar and sees a leper sitting opposite of him. He looks up again and dry heaves. The leper sees this and says, "Sir, This is a serious condition and I don't appreciate your mockery. If you don't like the way I look, go find another seat."
The guy says, "I'm really sorry, It's not you, It's the guy beside you dipping his nacho chips into your neck."
Vanderkaum037 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:32:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
DamonSeed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard they had to cancel the leper baseball game.
Someone dropped a ball out in left field
cobigguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu.
pm_me_your_Yi_plays ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Corprus thread!
budlight2k ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 lepers playing cards, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.
_Dolemite_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:27:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu.
cfoucault1994 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why's Jesus bad at hockey?
He keeps getting pinned to the boards.
JimMarch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the hooker afterwards?
"Keep the tip!"
Esoteric_Erric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hear about the leper poker player?
He threw his hand in.
johnsonandhisjohnson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Genius
kelsdollar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy said this to me once during some action in bed. Sorta ruined the mood.
nickyobro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hockey rinks don't have corners.
bahamuto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the leper football game end early? There was a handoff.
skittleswrapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
mczeako ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a leper in a hot tub. Stu.
Nwambe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is glorious. I laughed pretty hard at this! Thanks!
Fr87r41n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu.
vadlmaster ยท 13107 points ยท Posted at 20:41:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two but I have no idea how they got in there.
fermion72 ยท 3082 points ยท Posted at 23:58:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this joke, but I always just leave it hanging with an answer of "two":
I've had people flummoxed for hours and eventually track me down later in the day to say, "I finally got your stupid joke!"
ForbiddenGweilo ยท 1753 points ยท Posted at 00:09:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The risk here is sometimes your friends are dumb and now they also donโt think youโre funny
wtfnousernamesleft2 ยท 410 points ยท Posted at 00:31:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is true. Trust me, Iโm dumb and donโt understand the joke yet.
DrDew00 ยท 585 points ยท Posted at 00:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Screw is a euphemism for sex
Quilichich1997 ยท 378 points ยท Posted at 00:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhhhhh
Headflight ยท 308 points ยท Posted at 00:40:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Today I learned I'm dumb.
Rafahil ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 00:42:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, you got a little smarter today.
[deleted] ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 01:17:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Meh, I donโt know I just didnโt think it was that funny
Rafahil ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:43:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ahh man, you were doing fine and now you got dumber again.
Fuckyoursilverware ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:17:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's because you aren't a funny person
graymanPRIME ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You and me both, my friend. Maybe we just weren't thinking dirty enough?
Ulti ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:07:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too, me too...
ch1burashka ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And that's half the battle.
VaderFan2187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/iamverydumb
WisconsinWriter ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:43:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I 100% thought it was an anti-joke that was nonsense and made me laugh, until your comment.
DrDew00 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:48:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, it took seeing other people say they don't get it for me to actually stop and think about it and actually understand the joke. If not for the others saying they didn't get it I would have just said "Huh." and kept scrolling.
milk4all ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:48:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am looking forward to having screw
zombiejeebus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe instead you could say something like โjust two... unless they REALLY like to partyโ
zPieEater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
T h o n c c
sano2pop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get it either :)
KindOfWantDrugs ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:29:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To counter, especially "I don't get it", you can then say "neither do I how did they get in there".
TheProcess12 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are they really worthy of your friendship at that point?
AmiriteClyde ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:26:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told that joke to my best friend. He didn't laugh.. Are you saying I should abandon my good boy?!
onewordnospaces ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:30:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless your good boy is a dog, yes.
AmiriteClyde ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:32:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
KumaSam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:00:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpextedmcelroy
BennettF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, this doesn't exist? Weird!
Chairboy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:32:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, that's ruff.
dr1fter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well... right. That's the "risk."
Irish_Samurai ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:37:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is still a bonus. It helps eliminate people not worth telling jokes to.
Doom_Shark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:35:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you leave an idiot in suspense?
.........
sarah-xxx ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:16:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I say screw them!
screen317 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:18:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two
captainhowdy27 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:27:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Uhhhhh I don't get it?
BensTusen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:18:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You should have higher standards
PM_ME_FUTA_AND_TACOS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thats what they were doin already
joe-h2o ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or you tell the joke to a British person where you donโt screw lighhtbulbs in since they have bayonet fittings.
ForbiddenGweilo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit that sounds nice
PM_ME_CONCRETE ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of my friends are, and they all already don't think I'm funny.
Mddcat04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have to know your audience. Sometimes they need a bit of help.
rotund_tractor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And?
Jonny_Segment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like your optimism.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fuck em then
Nowky ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:08:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But are you funny for repeating jokes?
ForbiddenGweilo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs generally in the ability to deliver
Nowky ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:23:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While that is fair, and I do genuinely apologize if this sounds nitpicky; that isn't case in the cobtext of your reply
Echo8me ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:29:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana".
kiradotee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:45:31 on June 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get it! โน๏ธ
NotARobotBoopBeep ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:48:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this one-
A termite walks into a bar and asks โis the bar tender here?โ
drakenkorin13 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 00:16:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is this a never-fail joke then?
MemeInBlack ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:35:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you can make yourself laugh, mission accomplished
fourleggedostrich ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:19:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it needs some hint of the alternate meaning - enough to confirm your intention when they figure it out. Maybe "Two, same as always" or something.
kiradotee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:57 on June 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get it. ๐
mei9ji ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:17:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the same as anywhere else. It gives the answer but more confusion.
Bad_Estimates ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:18:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvoted for "flummoxed"
NISCBTFM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 men walked into a bar. Ouch.
zarazilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:48:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah, that's what happens with the magic tractor joke, except that can take DAYS.
You ever hear about the magic tractor? (No) One day, it was going down the road, and then (use excited voice) it turned into a field!
Maguffin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Aggies does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Mongostein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But what if theyโre having an orgy?
-kenny- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i always heard this joke as two... but the hard part is getting them in the light bulb
Cravatitude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite joke for confusing people is
e.g. I don't understand irony, which is ironic because we are on reddit
explohd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:14:25 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's known as a 'way homer' because you only get it on the way home.
climbtree ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:05:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They're flummoxed because without noting how bizarre the situation is it's just nonsense.
Asking how many flies it takes to fuck inside a light bulb is gibberish without qualifying the absurdity.
E.g. "how do you screw in a lightbulb?" "With a ram" is a nonsense garbage joke because never have two sheep been inside a lightbulb in the history of the goddamn planet.
duckduckduck_ ยท 514 points ยท Posted at 23:27:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
TappWaterStudios ยท 1213 points ยท Posted at 23:36:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's two flies screwing inside the lightbulb
TS_Music ยท 1048 points ยท Posted at 00:12:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god dammit
jfk_47 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:24:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So Good.
Fluffymufinz ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm with you. Took me so long to get this.
Pray_2_RNGesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
R/wooosh
MaffiowsG ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:06:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/wooosh
redmousenc ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you!! Jesus, I would have never gotten this!! I thought I was smart, I am not!! Now I'm sad!!
trust_me_on_that_one ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:18:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg i finally got your stupid joke!
ThatGuyRedditing ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:24:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
m e t a
Foreveralonegang ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:19:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That just flew over my head
Ejeffers1239 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/woosh
DorkusMalorkuss ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:17:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly thought the joke was that the flies would fly around in circles and eventually screw in the lightbulb.
inagadda ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:33:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They did screw in the lightbulb. Apparently nobody knows how they got in there.
BottleOJesus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:32:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well guess it doesn't count as never fail since it had to be explained
kiradotee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:45 on June 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg, got it finally!! Thank you.
Nolungz18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love it when people need extremely plain and obvious explanations for jokes.
password55 ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 23:37:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Screw is a slang term for sex. It only takes two flies to have sex in a lightbulb
Kaitith ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:23:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thanksss! i totally wasnt getting ittt.....
Thuoclao ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:13:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you so much Takes a pretty long time to get the joke since im not a native speaker but still worth it
balanced_view ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And flies is a metaphor for parents
lordover123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They will be soon
burtmaklin1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:18:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
bug sex
ThegreatPee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking Kevin
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The flies are having sexual relations inside of the light bulb.
AtheistAustralis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goose
plop0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
screw is a verb; slang for having sex.
skipperJB ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:40:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
183 upvotes for not getting a joke. Nice!
trench_welfare ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?...5.
2 to arrest the bulb for being broke and 3 to beat the room for being black.
KarisumaTaichou ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:14:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit. That was my go-to joke. Thanks for the sobering reminder that I'm an unoriginal, worthless meat sack.
penguinopusredux ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 23:14:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. DarknessTM is the new standard.
DEvilleFIN ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:26:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*How many Apple desingers does it take... FTFY
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:05:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Desinger do? Sing a song backwards, delete the recording, erase all the words and then their memory?
penguinopusredux ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:38:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, heard it back in the 90s when Apple were crashing and burning so...
snoogins355 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:13:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Flies spread disease, so keep yours closed
4DimensionalToilet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... I like spaghetti.
orarewehamster ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In California some years back:
How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Fruit flies screw in peaches, not in lightbulbs.
dental__DAMN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:28:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My fav lightbulb joke:
-How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-how many?
(Real snooty) -YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW??
wingedmurasaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've also had the punchline told as distainful look dismissive sigh, but that does not work as well in print.
lindenlinden ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:14:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just Juan
judahnator ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:41:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change the light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
FredXMertz ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:05:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. (pregnant pause)
.....I'll just sit here in the dark.
enfanta ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:18:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great. I know when I go to tell this I'm going to ask "How many flies does it take to change a lightbulb?"
willd821 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hope they didnt get "turned on"
xldyelx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought waaaay too into this...I was thinking of all the dead flies that get stuck inside light fixtures.
Quajek ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:25:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell it as
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two. The hard part is getting them inside the light bulb.
Drowning-in-Tittens ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes an ER team to get it out.
gaqua ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:35:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a really politically active friend. She's always protesting and doing non-profit stuff. But she does have a good sense of humor about it.
Her favorite joke?
"How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't kn-" <interruption, angrily shouted>"THAT'S NOT FUNNY."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
semtex94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Screwing=fucking
maximumhippo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this with Smurfs. It gets guaranteed laughs tho.
MySassyPetRockandI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah that took me a minute.
Gorstag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This took me WAY too long. Good mature joke.
RockHardlyPI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you were my friend I would make you a birthday card that said;
How many vladmasters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
GArockcrawler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am laughing so hard I am crying.
MrHorseHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternatively
neoLwin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many superheroes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, Ant man and the Wasp.
pumpkins033 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two, but they have to be really tiny.
GarbledReverie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a Marvel comics version of this featuring Ant-Man and the Wasp.
Wolfey1618 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the first new one I've seen in this thread. Bravo!
alwaysforgettingmyun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, hippies screw in sleeping bags.
zarazilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew the lightbulb.
dont_worryaboutit139 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You could say "...but I have no idea how the little fuckers got in there" to help the audience twig to the double entendre
rieldilpikl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:34:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Hippies screw in dirty sleeping bags.
joeynana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:41:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire dedicated team at emergency to get it all out.
nomadfarmer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it as how many hippies.
Answer: hippies don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in old sleeping bags.
wingedmurasaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Ve are efficient and not very funny.
pyroSeven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:33 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it..
andropogon09 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:29:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That's not funny!!
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท -32 points ยท Posted at 22:41:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works better if you substitute 'flies' for 'rednecks'
SOwED ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 23:32:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How big is this fucking lightbulb?
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:36:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really don't know how they got in there.
SOwED ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:14:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it was a lightbulb made specifically for having sex...like some sort of fucking lightbulb.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:43:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SOwED ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:48:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Glad someone got what I was going for
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:42:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 23:51:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I happen to live in redneck country
lezzieknope ยท 13245 points ยท Posted at 21:00:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
drinks_rootbeer ยท 5501 points ยท Posted at 22:11:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do he laughs
Starbucks-Hammer ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 01:10:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... sigh
stephenbradbury ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 01:24:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do he doesn't get them.
doogbynnoj ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:57:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found the black guy
billthedwarf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:22:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, that would be:
I don't always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he isn't around to hear them.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:34:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:41:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
joshingram ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:23:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, this is Patrick
E550 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hell yeah brother!
Jacollinsver ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:17:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
unzips
_PM_ME_YOUR_ELBOWS ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:37:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god
AlternatePsycho ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:49:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So how often has your username worked out?
_PM_ME_YOUR_ELBOWS ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:50:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It worked out a lot when I first made the account but I haven't gotten any in ages
Phaelin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:55:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn I felt so bad for you I almost sent you one.
_PM_ME_YOUR_ELBOWS ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:06:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh well. Back to trying to lick my elbows.
--love ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:06:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
leaves
HarrarLongberry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:18:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the first one in the thread to even get a grin out of me
leftofzen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love paraprosdokian jokes <3
Zoomalude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to tell this to everybody but I don't think I'll be able to do so without giggling through it.
A_Dog_Chasing_Cars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He must be very proud.
awesmazingj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
E
T
A
Quizzika ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:21 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is really cute, actually!
doogbynnoj ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:57:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found the white guy
jfoust2 ยท 5983 points ยท Posted at 23:52:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, no, no.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
When does the punchline become apparent?
After the delivery.
gaynazifurry4bernie ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 00:11:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for helping me elevate my joke-game.
neat_username ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 01:54:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tell a dad joke when you're not a dad? That's a faux pas.
imanutshell ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:21:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More of a Faux Pa really.
Bohbo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the cut of your jib
_duncan_idaho_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a jib?
SadGhoster87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I elbow Taako. "Did he not wash his jib before he went out there?"
SinnerOfAttention ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:49:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice.
Dragon_Paragon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy dads.
peskyboner1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like this child has outdone its parent.
chittyshwimp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
motherfucker
jasonrubik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She wasn't a mother when I fucked her
myturbanhasafirstnam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does delivery happen?
Something something something conception
WestAaron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
6r
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
gladitwasntme2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No no no, when does a delivery come? After your uncle
asdfghjk3253 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 01:26:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that when you punch the parent?
Erityeria ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:29:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok you win2
Mrofcourse ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 23:30:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or when itโs full groan.
ZroCool44 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:14:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a dad, but I like to tell dad jokes. I guess that means I'm a faux pa.
pierc438 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:12:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does a dad joke become a mom joke?
When it becomes transparent.
Paulvinin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:53:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan.
Poorpunctuation ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:23:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? I thought it was when the pun was father along
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*when the punchline becomes apparent
RonSwansonssson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:21:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get back to work Leslie.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:04:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
lezzieknope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Canadian here - they do sound the same.
murphy_girl ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:41:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But when does a Dad joke become a mom joke??
When the punchline becomes transparent
JustANyanCat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:55:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow that's new
work-escape ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably been said I was at the ATM waiting in line when an old lady in front of me asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Pkfighter7942 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does it become apparent? Just after delivery.
KristerRollins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I study the way dads think. Iโm a pop psychologist.
Tysflys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell dad jokes but have no kids... Does that make me a faux pas?
Desdomen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does a joke become a mom joke?
...
...
...
During the pregnant pause.
adwrighter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kudos guffawed
neovox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/dadjokes
Erityeria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You win.
StackerPentecost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When it abandons you and mother.
MeigsCoSteelers420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When the punchline is delivered?
johnsonandhisjohnson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Too clever.
QuaggaSwagger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or when itโs fully groan.
MissArizona ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When the punchline becomes apparent.
jalapeno_jalopy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow. That's a meta dad joke!.. A dad joke about a dad joke. Well done, sir or madam.
ThisRudderlessHippy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a good one but works a lot better in an American accent.
Eurotrashie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Incest is relative, but not always apparent.
Brown_note11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:41:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When it is fully groan
rainbow1234567890 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:17 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg. I totally just asked my dad this, and he replied, without missing a beat, โWhen itโs a faux pas?โ (Pronounced โfoe pawโ) I did not expect that lol!
Szepesh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:17 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Slow clap
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
lezzieknope ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:05:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
did you say it out loud? the punchline is... apparent... when you verbalize it.
A7XfoREVerrr ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:39:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair this joke doesn't work in my accent. I had to read it in an American accent to make it work.
seamustheseagull ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:01:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This. In Europe, "Apparent" is pronounced ah-par-ent.
Whereas "Parent" is prounounced pear-ent.
"After the delivery" would be a region-agnostic punchline
mathteacher85 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When it's full groan.
Tokcen ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:55:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does a dad become a joke?
When he becomes transparent
Komradegull ยท 13340 points ยท Posted at 19:56:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man went to Spain on his vacation. He stopped by a restaurant and saw an interesting dish. He asked the waiter about it, who said "Son los cojones del toro, the balls of the bull sir. we serve it once a day after the bullfights." The man places an order for the next day, and leaves.
When he comes back the next day and gets his dish, he looks at it for a minute and notices something is wrong. He calls the waiter over and says "Excuse me, but why are these so much smaller than those from yesterday?" the waiter pauses, looks around, and replies "I'm so sorry sir but sometimes the bull does win"
EDIT: I cant spanish. thanks iliketuna/miguel02r/etc
iliketuna ยท 3158 points ยท Posted at 22:25:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cojones, cajones are drawers.
ZiggoCiP ยท 491 points ยท Posted at 23:11:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, is this why the Cajรณn is called what it's called, since it basically resembles a drawer? Would make total sense honestly.
SOwED ยท 402 points ยท Posted at 23:33:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just a guess, but I think that comes more from "caja" which means box.
[deleted] ยท 234 points ยท Posted at 00:48:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SOwED ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:04:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
HornedFrog_85 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:56:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We did it. We have come full circle.
tjonnyc999 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:14:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah!
dinohn ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:11:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're right. Cajรณn is basically a big box. The suffix -on is used to denote a large size of something in Spanish.
Source: Hablo espaรฑol.
tjonnyc999 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:15:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the suffix -ito indicates a smaller than normal/expected size.
Which leads me to wonder whether there's a giant mythical corn snack called "Doro"...
zonules_of_zinn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:50:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i bought a Doro years ago when i was vacationing in mexico. i keep it in the pantry and just break off chunks when i'm entertaining.
ZiggoCiP ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:55:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably similar for that reason. Lotta things called caja, which I associate with case most closely, due to similarity of spelling/meaning. It can also mean cash, which now that I think of it makes sense literally if the money is rectangular money, ie 'boxy'. That could be complete bullshit, but I'm gonna believe that is the reason for the word from now on.
Xtermlnio ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alright, so I know how you got that idea
Caja registradora = cash register
However
Caja // cash
It's called "caja registradora" because the money goes in a "caja", a box.
Cash = efectivo
bloodymexican ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:46:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You dropped this =/=
kane2742 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:56:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โ
Xtermlnio ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How kind of you.
mister_gone ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am immensely amused that we used to yell "BOX" when we needed a cashier at the mexican place I used to work at.
ZiggoCiP ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhh - that makes more sense.
abmo224 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:13:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's slang for cash because "caja" also refers to a deposit box. "Cajero" is an ATM, for example.
trowawufei ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:34:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's where cajรณn comes from too, you're saying the same thing. The drawers themselves are, after all, box shaped.
SOwED ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He asked if cajรณn came from cajones. I said it came from caja. Both the other words come from caja. We weren't saying the same thing.
Splashmok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm. I am Peruvian and have been playing the cajรณn for 9 years.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:00 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caja, cajon, cajones... Maybe they're related?
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:31 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They are. As laid out across other comments here, caja means box, cajon means big box, and so cajones means drawers (big boxes).
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:50 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So maybe they are related? I think caja means box, cajon means big box, and cajones means drawers, or "big boxes" literally.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:41 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, they are related, and you just repeated what I said...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:16:07 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So they're related then?
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:02 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:11 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I thought they were related. Well, you learn something new everyday.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:08 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They aren't.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:24 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So they're not related then?
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:15 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, nah, yeh they are, aren't they
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:44 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, I thought they weren't related. TIL. So they are/aren't related then?
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:28 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will hunt you down.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:14 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, I didn't know that. TIL.
DasTatiloco ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:02:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cajรณn meaning "caja" -- box -- + suffix "on" -- referencing to a big size -- so it's a big box
noroom ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:23:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that you rest your cojones on it is pure linguistical coincidence.
ZiggoCiP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had the same thought too. I'd like to say it's a happy coincidence.
Dom_Flannel_Guy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:07:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If it interests anyone, Bull testicles are โCriadillasโ in Spanish. I saw this translation while watching Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmer back in high school. It always stuck with for some reason...
drmich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:18:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs how they originated... I think in Cuba (but donโt quote me on the location), people would gather to play music and sing together and some would pull out the drawers of a cabinet and sit on them and bang on the different sides for different tones.
moncalzada ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:14:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TL;DR; In Peru, slaves were forbidden to use their drums in fear of rebellion, so they started using old shipping crates.
Mastadave2999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what we call a coffin in west texas..
Homer_Goes_Crazy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, but El Cajon, CA is known as "the big box" because it's a box canyon.
took_a_bath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โBig boxโ
Edit: yeah, what u/dinohn said.
MorleyDotes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No it's because you rest your cojones on it and LP can't spell.
mankiller27 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:23:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was because you have your cojones on top of it when you play it.
ZiggoCiP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't you just read my parent comment? It's cojones. Cajones are drawers.
soulofthereaver ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:00:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One must be careful not to get his cojones stuck in any cajones.
legacim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this deserves to be top comment
bquietpirate ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:35:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL
Liv-Julia ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:57:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But, but...he keeps his balls in the drawers.
marr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:08:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a horrible multi-language who's on first sketch in here somewhere.
herpesderpesdoodoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where the properly attired bull keeps his cojones.
mentha_piperita ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yet people pronounce it that way, at least in the velonews podcast I always hear about Alejandro Valverde's drawers getting him a win.
kobello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bolas
DemandTheOxfordComma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Drop your drawers, see cojones, makes perfect sense.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke was meant to never fail!
Trayohw220 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That really confused me when I was watching a movie and they were talking about "cajones." I thought these two near-strangers were talking about balls.
skghp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cojones, not cowardice.
dfslkjbnltalrvlxdguh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So gimli was a cajone with cojones?
EmergeAndSee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you explain this one to me por favor?
Tomato_Joker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ironic how our cojones are in our cajones.
LATABOM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the whole joke. The bull is a cabinetmaker.
SirBackspace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:02:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao I thought he said conejos and decided I was wrong.
iliketuna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:26:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Conejos are rabbits.
Joe_Redsky ยท 823 points ยท Posted at 22:26:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great joke, but I heard a funnier version of this joke in which the customer actually eats the balls and when the waiter comes to ask how he liked the dish, the customer says "not bad, but not as tender as the big ones you served yesterday", and the waiter says "well seรฑor, sometimes the bull wins".
IDCFFSGTFO ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 00:50:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Far superior version.
Esoteric_Erric ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:30:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Comedians hate him !
lagann46 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:01:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember reading this on a joke app when I first got an iPod touch like 6 years ago lmao
Adeimantus123 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:09:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's older than that! I heard this joke from one of my high school teachers back in 2002 lol.
Joe_Redsky ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:17:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, Iโm 57 and first heard this joke 30 years ago.
Adeimantus123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:18:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I figured it wasn't new but my teacher would (correctly) guess that it was new to us.
dr_cereal ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:28:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait are they serving the guys balls who lost?
Jacomer2 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:38:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
tigersharkwushen_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, I would expect the bull's balls to be less tender...
Joe_Redsky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:34:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've actually eaten sheep's testicles in China. Not terrible, but would not repeat.
rtrocc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
+1 but... why though?
picmandan ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:15:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Texan comes to Manhattan and for the first time ever tries Matzoh Ball soup. He remarks to the waiter that he LOVES it, and asks โIs any other part of the animal edible?โ
ttheboii ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:41:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can anyone explain this to me ._.
1inadozen ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 22:46:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was served manballs.
PeriwinklePitbull ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:49:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cannabilism!!!
Starionn ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 23:17:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Canniballism
PeriwinklePitbull ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 23:22:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently we're both wrong, it's cannibalism.Edit: It's cool guys, I'm just dumb and unable to see a pun.
What a dickgrace.
Starionn ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 23:29:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, I wasn't expecting this to be a spelling testes.
defenseofthefence ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:27:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
read it again
ttheboii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't getit ._.
AvoidMySnipes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:45:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure you got the answer but were you also thinking it was 2 bulls fighting for some reason?
thedersy1 ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:45:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, cojones del toro. My favorite film director.
Ethan_Valladares ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 22:08:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke ever
miguel02r ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 22:21:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Son los cojones del toro"
X0AN ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:32:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Right, that annoyed me straight away :D
boredextremely ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:39:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't it singular, since he's talking about the dish rather than the balls?
Dreadgoat ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:47:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So when you eat peas, do you eat a peas?
RabbitsOnAChalkboard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:20:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Peas used to be a plural without a singural, "pease", as in "pease porridge in the pot nine days old." Similar to how you have some rice but you don't have a ri, or you have some couscous but you don't have a coocoo.
SheolCodeMonkey ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:08:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that one would be better if he'd already eaten them
RipCityRevival ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:14:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it.
Asmo___deus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:16:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bull won, so which testicles is he eating?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:17:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Circletwerk42 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:36:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He got the matadors nuts
StupidButSerious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:47:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At first I though that the balls were smaller cause after winning he had a lot of victory sex, I am not a smart man
PhilxBefore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
Mile_Wide_Inch_Deep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:56:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard as los quevos del torro. But my Spanish stinks.
kaisserds ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:02:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huevos and cojones are synonims, like saying balls or nuts :)
conquer69 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:08:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huevo means egg. Huevo is an informal name for testicles and considered a curse word in some Spanish speaking countries.
Noumenon72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Egg" synonym much more appropriate for a menu item. OP has posted bad version.
Herohalv4 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:49:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this would be better if they were much bigger instead of smaller
everyones_alt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:07:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No he gets the fighters nuts because the fighter lost
Herohalv4 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:12:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean so that the joke would be that your balls have to be yuuuuuuge to fight balls
everyones_alt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:17:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh
Fredissimo666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good one! I think the punchline is better if the waiter says it is "the balls of the defeated"
AlternateArcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Side note, had bull's tail soup in Spain and it was quite fantastic
Motolaser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually laughed out loud.
whatwhatwhataa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol, that was unexpected
ic_97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You should post this on r/jokes its funny
rjxsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit my grandpa told me this when I was like 6
wizzahd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is a great joke. I like to tell it about the time I went to Madrid, and saw the bullfights, and give a whole bit about how I thought they'd be more like the ones in Looney Tunes, but in reality it's like 20 people fighting this bull, and I ended up thinking it was pretty unsportsmanlike but at the same time it was really cool to partake in the cultural aspect of going to the arena and cheering with the locals. then as we left, asked a random person about food nearby, he suggests the restaurant next door and "to ask for the special."
so we go to the restaurant three consecutive nights since "we're only in town this one time and man, that food was soo good" and my companion "totally agrees and man that's the same thing I was thinking, I'm so glad you said it!" and each time I describe the things I did in Madrid and how at the end of the night we were so famished, but decided to go back and get the special. then pantomime ordering, the waiter coming, bringing the silver tray with a lid and as he sets it on the table and lifts the lid poof a cloud of steam reveals the balls. all in somewhat excruciating detail.
until the final night wot ends as you describe but my punchline is, "ah si senor, but sometimes the bull..... he wins...!"
if you know it's a joke, it's kind of easy to see where this one is going, but if you wrap it up in this whole experience (especially if it's a real experience you had!) then it becomes a fascinating story, and the punchline is completely unexpected and therefore more funny.
I'm also a huuuge fan of /r/ShaggyDogStories :)
OhhnoUdidnt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:12 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait what
OhhnoUdidnt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:15 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhmyfuckinggoditsmanballs
atreides78723 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:45:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โSometimes, senor, the bull she does not always lose.โ
frolicking_elephants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:56:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She?
conquer69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German maybe? Their gendered nouns are kinda weird.
[deleted] ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 00:38:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To me this is so logical it isn't a joke just an obvious conclusion.
Morella_xx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You think the obvious conclusion to a matador dying in the arena would be for a restaurant to serve his testicles as a dish?
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 02:11:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not the punchline, its the set up.
DownvoteDaemon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same lol
generic_what ยท 7745 points ยท Posted at 22:59:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "I don't know how to drive this thing"
RancidLemons ยท 1380 points ยท Posted at 02:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers in a tank. One turns to the other and says "blublublu, blublublublublublu!"
pumpkinbot ยท 120 points ยท Posted at 04:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. This is good, because fish require water to live, and without a tank to contain the water, it would all displace into the surrounding area and make quite a mess.
RancidLemons ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 05:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish in a soldier. They're poorly cooked and the dehydration from the ensuing diarrhea donate to his tragic and embarrassing demise. His youngest kid was only six months old and now refers to his old neighbor, his former best man, as "papa."
TheAbrableOnetyOne ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:33:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why
RancidLemons ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 05:47:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Food poisoning.
billyblueberry ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 09:01:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a fish. One turns to the other and says "this sounded a lot more fun when we were drunk."
CannedEther ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:03:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the textual version of r/bonehurtingjuice
nike4613 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:59:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reads like something Douglas Adams would write
thebeautyinthelotus ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:02:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/wholesomejokes
EpsilonGecko ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:10:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All of these need to be told in quick succession.
Mathies_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:50:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank. They both drown.
Skotaeh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:21:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This kind of humor makes me laugh. What is wrong with me?
Mike7518 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:20:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/antijokes
RobertWarrenGilmore ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:49:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fish and a soldier are in a tank. The fish turns to the soldier and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?". The soldier replies "blublublublu".
RegenSyscronos ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:11:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed at this more than the original. Maybe I can picture 2 soldier in a fish tank better. Both jokes are great but this one is a great sequel for the original.
RancidLemons ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:42:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tell the first ("two fish in a tank, one says 'you man the guns, I'll drive'" works best because mentioning the guns helps people work out "oh haha like a tank tank") and then the soldier one immediately. I like telling it and then blubbing into an actual glass of water.
If you feel like an anti-joke to end it, "two soldiers in a fish, one says to the other 'I think RancidLemons fucked this joke up'" is a good one. At least, if your name is RancidLemons.
.ninja edit
I do overthink these, thanks for not asking but secretly thinking it and not wanted to be rude. I bartend and I'm loved / hated by my regulars for telling jokes of varying levels of Dad.
wowveryaccount ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm only a server but I'd love to hear more! I've got a few I use, but most were just stolen from reddit.
vj_34 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I ugly laughed. ffs
riftrander ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:12:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't stop laughing for a sold 10 minutes. Tears were streaming. Everyone in class looked at me. It was glorious. Thank you. so much.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers in a tank. One turns to the other to find him dead.
JoranTB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:31 on September 1, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank, and that's what happens when you ask your dumb neighbor to feed the fish!
dexx4d ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 01:59:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternatively, "You man the turret, I'll drive."
Temp1493 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:18:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, I did a watercolor painting of this pun. It looked like this image basically, but shitty watercolor over it
http://punpedia.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/13395063_981423271971659_60611200_n.jpg
TDiddlez ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 02:13:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other says back, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING FISH!"
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:45:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And burps when it finds out even it can talk
Welcome_Reddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the other one screams when it finds out that it can burp
Mathies_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They both finally die because of a lack of oxygen. Both their final thoughts are "holy shit he/I can scream!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did you get them out of the water!!?
Oerlemans ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:47:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are swimming in the sea. One asks the other: "Woah, do you see that ship over there?" To which the other answers: "I can't see anything, there's water in my eyes!"
fps_slug ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:36:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To soldiers are in a tank, one soldier turns to the other and says, "glug glug glug".
skyisfallen ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:45:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason this is the joke that genuinely made me laugh out loud. Thank you
CosmicCoincidence ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:17:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 muffins in an oven, first muffin says "boy it's hot in here", second muffin shouts "Oh my God, a talking muffin!"
LegendOfKhaos ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:45:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
"Dam."
Dead_Starks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:24:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
(Works best when spoken)
Mikeydubs78 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:29:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is now in my dad joke rotation
No_Note_Car_Gone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:57:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Quality
jumpinpuddleok ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL.
ZestyReddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:15:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to joke but mine gos one turns to the other and says do you know how to drive this thing
perceptionboss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two tanks are in a fish. But they donโt really do much or say anything because they are inanimate objects.
jaytrade21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:02:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe it took me this long to get this joke :(
pm-me-your-areola ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:45:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other one replies "holly shit, a talking fish!"
Kagsblueberries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my absolute favorite joke and it cracks me up every time I say it
XportR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
โDam.โ
Tomato_Joker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other one responds Holy Shit! A talking fish!
EpsilonGecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other fish turns to him and says "BLUBHBUBGLUBBBLUHB"
MarodRamby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/Shitty_Watercolour this would be amazing!
dmanww ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin turns and say "man, it's hot in here"
The other muffin turns and screams "Ahh!! A talking muffin!"
tjonnyc999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Accurate description of half the players in World Of Tanks.
philthy333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "I'll drive! You man the guns!"
pocketlockett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says " man is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns and screams "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
nice_lemon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two goldfish sitting in a tank, one says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive"
That was my favourite for ages
Paltenburg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Interestingly enough a millitary tank is named after a sea water tank.
grouchpotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish in a tank, One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"....(pause)
(Then quiclky) The other says "Ahhh! It's a talking fish!"
26326312 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says 'do you smell fish?'
giraffees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:52:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck. Good one
ScampAndFries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
Ace__Windu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other one says, "Holy shit, a talking fish!" And drives off.
PotatoRacingTeam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Glub blurgle gargle burble glug!"
icecadavers ยท 12181 points ยท Posted at 22:05:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "you have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on"
I said "you're pulling my leg"
BadReputation2611 ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 00:53:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what the hardest thing about dating a blind woman is? Getting her husbands voice right.
TerminallyILL ยท 4175 points ยท Posted at 22:56:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was on a blind date with this girl...
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed.
She asked "what's the best way?" I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."
msteele32 ยท 473 points ยท Posted at 01:03:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta hand it to blind hookers
hate_picking_names ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 02:41:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you will about deaf people.
LikeWolvesDo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:12:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The "hookers" part of msteele's joke is not necessary. I've always thought of these 2 jokes as a pair. "You have to hand it to blind people." and "say what you will about deaf people."
not_lurking_this_tim ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 02:06:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hooker's response: "Sorry, I don't smoke."
irotsoma ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Otherwise, they'd have trouble finding it.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:13:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If your date doesn't respond with "you're funny" then this joke would turn real awkward real fast.
AlmostButNotQuit ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 03:34:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because of the implication.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
epicfaceplant12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:39:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You don't have to worry though, she'll still sleep with you.
Because of the implication
ramblingnonsense ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:52:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reading this in Emo Phillips's voice. Is it one of his?
TerminallyILL ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:54:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno I just stole it off some other thread a while ago
RS177 ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 23:13:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How clever.
With-a-Cactus ยท 207 points ยท Posted at 23:49:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How cleaver.
spoopy_elliot ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:20:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did I laugh so hard at that. I hope you get gilded
BanMeBabyOneMoreTime ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 01:05:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because you didn't want him to use the big knife
Azuaron ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:22:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gelded?
northrupthebandgeek ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:59:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clever girl.
BorneOfStorms ยท -97 points ยท Posted at 01:10:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How rapey. Is rape that funny to you people?
derekd2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:39:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you mean you people?
ADaftPunk ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 01:32:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rape isnโt funny. Jokes about rape are funny.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:21:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ricky Gervais, is that you?
hell-in-the-USA ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:34:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
^
gettodaze ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 01:14:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didnโt laugh. Not because itโs a rape joke, but because itโs not funny.
Not everything needs an SJW angle.
LawyerLou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:58:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Found the feminist.
corgibuttlover69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:35:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
go suck a bag of dicks ya cunt
RS177 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:21:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found the feminist without humor.
LawyerLou ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:05:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
โSHUT THE HELL UP!โ
XeonBlue ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:57:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a bit repetitious.
Blackholesinspace ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rape is only funny if you are raping a clown ;)
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:48:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont think i get it. Why is she blind?
Edit: im a fucking moron
AWinterschill ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 01:00:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind date, not blind girl.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, i feel dumb now lol
wlaphotog ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:23:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now THAT was funny...
SFWPsyence ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 00:44:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
simple one liner in the same vein. "Excuse me. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
Bosli ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:06:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is dark enough while still being mainstream that I really like it.
[deleted] ยท -21 points ยท Posted at 01:10:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
the_moog_hunter ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:15:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get over it. It's comedy.
Wtfamidoinb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:02:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You see this is what I was looking for when I googled the sub Reddit for dark jokes. I wound up in 4chan lite.
Saucepanmagician ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait! Is this a rape joke?
runonandonandonanon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:36:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but like, a lighthearted one.
exstnzl ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:32:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my new favorite joke
jacobwillbell ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:20:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best one. Gonna use this.
ifiwereabravo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs great
wise_comment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have no idea
eoliveri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a Steven Wright joke.
dm287 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... Because of the implication
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
GallantGoblinoid ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:52:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, no... it makes sense as it is.
Because of the implication
amoyal ยท -30 points ยท Posted at 00:32:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Date rape joke? Classy.
ZouDave ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 00:57:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a joke, not a dick - don't take it so hard.
BorneOfStorms ยท -47 points ยท Posted at 01:11:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You ever been raped in reality? Some people don't think that shit is funny.
ZouDave ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 01:13:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apply that logic to every joke, and then stop telling jokes. Or, come on down off that cross you're on, use the wood to build a bridge, and get over it.
troflwaffle ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:58:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You ever fallen off a bridge in reality?!?! Some people don't think that shit is funny
ZouDave ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:07:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You ever put on a chicken suit and crossed the road?!? Some people don't think that shit is funny.
the_moog_hunter ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:16:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think being blind is funny either, but the blind joke, above? I cried laughing.
TrailRatedRN ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:10:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. I was raped at age 17. I find the joke quite humorous.
I also think Asian, female, black, Jew, handicap, etc, jokes are funny, but I do not think less of/ discriminate against any of these identities.
Iโm not sure why you think this joke = rape, but I think you should seek mental health counseling if you have such issue with it.
amazonallie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:36:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was raped ...
I am laughing
theradicaltiger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:39:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The arts and especially comedy are about pushing boundaries. You are trying to nerf expression itself.
derekd2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if it was a clown rapist?
Scamperillium ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:09:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about blind women, but you really have to hand it to them.
jredmond ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:44:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a story about the one line Mel Brooks cut from Blazing Saddles. Apparently, the "is it twue what they say about you people?" zip "it's twue, it's twue!" bit was originally followed by "I hate to disillusion you, ma'am, but you're sucking on my arm."
source: https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/mel-brooks-cut-just-one-joke-blazing-saddles-being-racy-1017404
MrValdemar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:32:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember reading that in his Playboy interview. 1975 issue. When I saw that I thought, "How could you leave that out?" I know less is more in comedy, but that was genius. (I'm not that old, btw. I was a teenager in the 80s who's dad had a nice collection of vintage Playboy.)
DiazIsDirectCurrent ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:07:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes.
omgacow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one actually made me LOL
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:30:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha! Iโll have to tell my parents this one.
DrMengele_And_MrHyde ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:07:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke?
You can't take a joke.
slapemjackem ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hooked up with a blind girl the other night - she didnโt even see me cumming.
The2500 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm looking at all these jokes, and this one immediately makes me think it would not work in another language.
Very_Literal_Answer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta hand it to blind hookers
PM_ME_MAMMARY_GLANDS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta hand it to blind women
Kyle-Ren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I definitely read that in Norm Macdonaldโs voice.
Hattrick_Swayze2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this with Rodney Dangerfieldโs voice
blindlybrowsing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what they say about blind hookers, you gotta hand it to em
tommycash23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one that actually made me smile.
eklect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could totally see this happening in real life...
xradsirx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone else read this in Rodney Dangerfieldโs voice? No? Just me. Okay.
icecadavers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're the second person to comment that so probably not
raven12456 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:15 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
tekhnomancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had sex with a blind woman. Took forever to get her into bed. But mostly because it took me a while to perfectly mimic her husband's voice.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and then he fully penetrated her to his hip with his leg
briendeau05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Matching her husband's voice just right...
IdiotSperm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:40:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I saw this one in the jokes subreddit, the top comment was something like: "then I put my real dick in her hand and she said 'no thanks i don't smoke'"
yakusokuN8 ยท 11276 points ยท Posted at 22:04:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
dalphus1 ยท 3271 points ยท Posted at 00:45:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie
sminkdrink ยท 612 points ยท Posted at 03:09:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs the most heartwarming joke Iโve ever heard.
dalphus1 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:15:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More heartwarming than the three legged pig?
tiniestkid ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:23:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Link doesn't work
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 03:58:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here you go.
dalphus1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:25:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm,it does for me. There is over two dozen versions of the same joke posted on r/jokes. Search there for pig three legs
angelbelle ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:47:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it would have ended differently considering:
"Old Man"
"Criminal son in jail"
"Digging holes"
_Lady_Deadpool_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the guy who lit himself on fire?
Green_Smarties ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:32:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most wholesome joke I've ever heard.
BUNKTIOUS ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:49:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My family tells this joke as a lesson about Sicillians (which we are). First, Sicillians are always the sketchiest people you'll meet; second, no one takes better care of their parents.
WritingPromptsAccy ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 03:17:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hate to be that guy, but why would it be the FBI if he's Italian?
dalphus1 ยท 128 points ยท Posted at 03:23:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
umm, there is a couple of Italians living in the USA now.
[deleted] ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 03:34:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think there's, like, 3 of them.
dalphus1 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 03:38:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
shit, they're multiplying. That's like 50% more than when there was only two. Wadda country!
twobits9 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:05:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tree of them.
FTFY
nickburgess ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:51:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I counted 4 ยฝ last Tuesday at 7pm so it could be 5 bow
WritingPromptsAccy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:49:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So you mentioned specifically that he's Italian just to infuriate pedants like me, right?
peskyboner1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it fits with his son being named Vinny, of course
Hot_Beef ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:53:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You aren't alone. There's definitely more Italians in Italy than the USA.
ocean365 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no way man
Big-Al2020 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:22:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ole and Sven are best buds and Svenโs birthday was coming up! Ole didnโt know what to get him so he asked Sven. Sven told him that he wanted his wood pile chopped up but Ole was lazy and didnโt want to do that much work. So he called the police and told them he thought his neighbor was hiding drugs inside his wood pile and asked if they could check it out. So the next morning when Sven was at work the police came and chopped up ever last piece of wood and didnโt find anything. Ole stacked the wood up nice and near and when Sven came home from work Ole wished him a happy birthday and showed him the chopped wood!
dalphus1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:24:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, yes. Forgot that one. Thanks.
Big-Al2020 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:26:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah the garden one reminded me of this one.
Goyyale ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:33:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awwww
E404_User_Not_Found ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:22:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/WholesomeMurderers
LichOnABudget ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:18:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I an both unsurprised and disappointed that there was nothing on the other side of that link.
green_apple_snapple ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:18:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is what I expected from the first joke!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:33:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gets me right in the feels.
scyth3s ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:23:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good stuff
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:30:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...What's the FBI doing in Italy?
PeanutButterYoJelly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:07:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes, people emmigrate.
TheDocJ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:57:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but not the FBI....
PeanutButterYoJelly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Suppose that my father moved from Italy to America, where I was born. Is he Italian? Is he under the jurisdiction of the FBI?
Spry15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:02:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The real joke is always in the comment's... Comments..
bavinpower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:36:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awwweee, want to gild you if only I can
Black_N ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:54:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please explain
expletive-expletive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was originally a criminal in prison in correspondence with his wife.
Krellous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a good son.
centzon400 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:28:02 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tom Sawyer's fence!
dalphus1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:14 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was the ultimate salesman
[deleted] ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 05:04:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
frogsgoribbit737 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 08:45:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, it's the whole point of the question. If you want jokes you've never heard in your life, go somewhere else.
stacilou88 ยท 1395 points ยท Posted at 23:56:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I collect vegetation data for Grazing sustainability. One day I was out collecting data with my boss and the rancher stoped by to say, โbe careful in that field, the bull is in there.โ My boss is not worried about it so we continue collecting data. I grew up on a small dairy/beef ranch and donโt play that game. I bucked up and pretended it was all cool. We accidentally spooked the bull and it started pawing at the ground and I FREAKED. I ran to the nearest fence as fast as my pudgy short legs could carry me and leapt over the fence. All the while my boss is still standing on the other side of the field, just calm as can be. The bull laid back down after a few minutes, and I walked back to my boss the long way round. So embarrassing.
Triarag ยท 1117 points ยท Posted at 00:22:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, in a parallel universe somewhere your boss was viciously gored.
Monchichi4life ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 02:36:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And his balls were served as the next day's special at the local cafe.
WilloniousFunk ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:05:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow...bringing the jokes full circle. You've done your homework.
secondhand_organs ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:44:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's why you show them your badge
montanasucks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:07:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Meta
nagumi ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 00:31:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...good?
dadbrain ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but they're not as tender as the bigger ones from yesterday.
cloud9ineteen ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why not worry? Now he has to find that universe so he can get promoted to his boss's job.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Technically in every universe. Infinite universes!
Yay goring!
tokedalot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can there be infinite universes if they are all infinitely large?
theyellowmeteor ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:06:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
TheOneTonWanton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once you accept that it's possible for a thing to be truly infinite all the rules sort of break down in the long term.
PanamaMoe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:35:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theoretically there is a universe that is infinitely large, however saying that all universes are infinitely large would mean that there are not infinite universes. For there to be infinite universe there has to be not one single constant, and that means that there has to be a universe where everything is constant. Basically for everything there is a universe with the opposite in the infinite universe theory, but it begins to fall apart as you realize that it creates a lot of paradoxes, such as there has to be a universe that kills all universes and then one that saves them all and then one that does nothing and every little variation in between.
troflwaffle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:19:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did not appreciate the mental struggle needed to picture this in mind
PanamaMoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:59:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to the fun world of theoretics, where the rules don't matter and everything just makes your head hurt.
DrSword ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it possible for there to be two planes of infinity?
PanamaMoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:24:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eventually somewhere the two planes of infinity would collide, causing them to either meld with each other or collapse.
Stillcant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:57 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve never heard this concept, but it is interesting
any idea what I should google to read?
PanamaMoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:49 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one in particular is called the multiverse theory and the wiki page is a pretty good place to start. From there you can study things like the butterfly effect and think about how many different things you can effect with the simplest of actions. It is a rather fun hole to fall into but it does lead to quite a bit of introspection so if self doubt is your thing then it is suggested you avoid this.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Triarag ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:13:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Look on the bright side: at least you got one of the universes where you didn't get gored by a bull!
11010110101010101010 ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 00:31:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why embarrassing? You respected a bull that you were unfamiliar with. Shit, just a few days ago, here in Minnesota, a rancher was killed from a cow. Your boss was just a little arrogant. If heโs lucky he can get through his career without learning the hard way. Why would you ever want to learn to respect a beast that size the hard way?
Edit: moved a word.
stacilou88 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:37:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad broke his arm tangling with a bull, and he has bunch of other stories that I was privy to, and I know a guy that was paralyzed by a bull mauling. My fear of bulls is very rational. I know that. Haha!
The rest of the story goes as such, turns out I jumped into a field and the gate was open. So I essentially jumped over a fence to be in the same field as the bull. In fact, I was closer to the bull after the jump.
Edit: grammar
11010110101010101010 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry to hear that about your dad, even more for your acquaintance. Being next to a fence is a good place to be though; better than the middle of a paddock for sure.
defiantPossum ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 00:27:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That wasnโt a funny joke.
popiyo ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:52:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This past summer I was doing stream surveys for the forest service and came to a creek that had a bull standing right on the banks of. I really wanted a sample to show the effects of literal bullshit in the stream but I noped the fuck out of there. I ain't trying to outrun a bull in waders for $12/hr that's for damn sure.
stacilou88 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:51:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg! So I also do water quality surveys! We were up in the mountains getting samples from a BLM exclosure. There were like 5 bulls standing at the entrance of the exclosure 2 of which were dueling. I was like, โโfโ this noiseโ and drove right up to the entrance and parked the truck. The old guy with me was like, โwhatโs the matter, you scared?โ I was like, โyeah man! Iโm 5โ4 and over weight, and these waders are 3 sizes to big meaning the crotch is down to my knees. I canโt leap or run this time.โ
Edit: grammar
underwriter ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:09:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it
AaronVsMusic ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:37:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I legitimately thought this was a joke at first and was wondering where the punchline was.
nunofmybusiness ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:44:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Duh. I read this all the way to the end waiting for the punchline.
Big_TX ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:52:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I though this was gonna be a joke. It was a very solid anecdote but with out the punchline I feel empty inside :/
stacilou88 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:58:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I showed him my badge, and it was all cool.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
they dont call him The Boss for nuthin, brah
UsingTheSameWind ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:02:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This jokeโs punchline was horrible
humidifierman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:52:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...I don't get it.
BirddogThe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:04:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was a joke the whole time
lewdmoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't be the only one who read this thinking it was a set up for another joke.
hectors_rectum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm still waiting for the punchline...
paracelsus23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm having the weirdest deja vu with your comment. I feel like someone replied with a similar story the last time the bull / badge joke was posted.
LilFunyunz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That embarrassed feeling is why so many people dont get out of dangerous situations in a timely manner.
Blue2501 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, cows don't bite.
They do knock you down and stomp you to death, however
PanamaMoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit man, you don't fuck with a bull no matter how big and bad you are. They literally have spears on their heads and are made of meat and rage. No one with half a brain fucks with a spooked bull.
savageboyd ยท 1566 points ยท Posted at 23:28:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/maliciouscompliance
shamelessnameless ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:29:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/mauliciouscompliance
tjonnyc999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/darthmauliciouscompliance
BrokenStool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:51:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/oof
onemanandhishat ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 00:36:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of my favourite usually-fails joke:
A policeman was patrolling a street when he sees a lorry driving towards him. The lorry looks unstable, swaying around, and is obviously overloaded. The policeman flags down the driver and says "sir, I think you're overloaded I'll need to look in the back of your lorry". "Sure thing" says the driver and they walk to the back and he opens up the doors. Inside, it is jam-packed full of penguins! The officer is shocked and says "sir, I really think you ought to take these penguins to the zoo". The driver thinks briefly, and says "ok, that's a good idea, I'll do that". He drives off.
The next day the policeman is patrolling and he sees the same lorry driving down the road, and it looks unstable, clearly overloaded. The policeman flags down the driver and says "sir, I think you're overloaded I'll need to look in the back of your lorry". "sure thing" says the driver and they walk to the back and he opens the doors. Inside, it is jam-packed full of penguins, all wearing sunglasses! The officer turns to the driver and says "sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo". "I did" replied the driver, "I'm taking them to the beach today".
Morella_xx ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:08:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is really cute. :) Reminds me of that book Mr. Popper's Penguins.
ThaJarseff ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:20:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This gets a bit funnier if you picture Albuquerque's finest, Hank Schrader.
Zapp---Brannigan ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 22:52:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahahhaha I like this
gaynazifurry4bernie ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like it more than champagne?
LOU-Caconym ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:20:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's pronounced cham-pug-nuh.
ThaiJohnnyDepp ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:34:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cham-paggin'
kelsey11 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man was fishing at a pond in a nature preserve. He had been there all day, and he had a bucket full of fish. As he was bringing the bucket back to his truck, the police pulled up.
"Stop right there," says the cop, "what's in the bucket?". The man opens the bucket to reveal the ill-gotten fish to the officer. "Sir, I'm going to have to fine you $1,000 for each fish you have there, plus take you into custody. It is illegal to fish here."
"But I haven't been fishing here," says the man. "These are my pet fish. I was taking them out for a swim. I called them back in and we were just headed home."
In complete disbelief, the officer says, "Pet fish? You must think I'm an idiot. Fish don't just go out for a swim and come when called."
"These fish do, officer, and I can prove it!". So the man took the bucket of fish over to the pond and tossed the fish in. They all swam away at full speed.
"Alright, now call the fish back," said the cop.
"What fish?" said the man.
Jerlko ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:11:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a similar joke (possibly real life situation) where a ship got a message saying it was on a collision course and to change direction by a few degrees. The ship fired back with some big talk about it being some bigshot US navy warship and that it wouldn't move for anyone. The other party was a lighthouse.
MathPolice ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:49:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punch line is: "We are a lighthouse. Your call."
dingus_king_69 ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 23:36:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love it. But I can only imagine that an officer would shoot down your bull if they felt "threatened".
RusstyDog ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 23:46:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
eh 50/50 even if he did the bull would still win.
Vakieh ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:58:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Way things are going he'd be in an APC and the gun that shot the bull would be an antitank rifle.
picmandan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:05:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Link
EskimoMoe ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:04:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
bullman would win with prep
Dubstomp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, he'd have to do so much paperwork if he killed it.
valmian ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:56:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
META
adjacent_analyzer ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My old boss once helped 2 police officers chase a bull from the street back into its pen. And by helped I mean he yelled and screamed and charged a bull by himself lol. Before he showed up the officers were in fact discussing shooting the bull.
breville135 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:15:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That dude sounds like everyone's boss.
ForbiddenGweilo ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:06:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No way in hell 9mm is taking down a raging bull before it absolutely demolishes the cop. Anything shy of a shotgun or seriously powerful rifle would make me quite unsure of my own survival
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:46:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ForbiddenGweilo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:52:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like them odds
derekd2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:35:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never tell me the odds
Leathery420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:57:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well if he doesnt side step, and get off the X he will still be crushed by a bull whether its dead or alive.
TotallyErratic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:58:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Given that most agent only carries handgun, pretty unlikely to drop the bull before it get in a couple good horn or stomps.
dingus_king_69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:02:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True, but I'm thinking of it from the rancher's perspective. Now you have an injured or shot bull to take care of. Not to mention the dumbass injured agent.
CraigslistAxeKiller ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Handguns donโt do shit to an animal that big.
xzElmozx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then the bull absorbs the 9mm rounds and doesn't lose a step, continuing to chase the officer because a 9mm isn't gonna do shit to a bull.
AllAboutMeMedia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a dog.
mozfustril ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:59:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only if the bull was black
SeriouslyLP ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:12:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my dads go to joke. Glad to see he told it correctly, though he did a few curse words in there..
ripyourbloodyarmsoff ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:52:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first joke I've read in this thread that relies on situational humour rather than some type of wordplay.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:08:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never thought I'd see an "And Then it Happened" reference on Reddit.
zakthemuscleman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
100x better if you read the farmer's lines in Sam Elliot's voice
yakusokuN8 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:53:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just watched The Ranch.
zakthemuscleman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:56:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same, I could totally see this being in an episode haha
yakusokuN8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except, it would be, "Your fucking badge! Show him your fucking badge!"
mario_meowingham ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:37:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The rancher said "you have to have a warrant" and the DEA agent said "you're right" and left.
ChasTheGreat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:55:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this one: A US Destroyer is out on patrol when they receive a radio message. "DD629, this is L324, change your heading 20 degrees West to avoid collision." The radio operator aboard the Destroyer replies, "Negative L324, you change YOUR heading 20 degrees East to avoid collision." Again they get a message. "DD629 change your heading immediately 25 degrees to the West to avoid collision." The radio operator replies, "That is a negative L324, we are a US Destroyer on deployment for a highly sensitive mission and we must not be delayed! You change YOUR course 25 degrees to the East to avoid collision with us or we will be forced to take action against you!" There is silence. Then the Destroyer gets another message: "DD629, this is L324. We are a lighthouse."
DaFade ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic
MrGMinor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:12:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit too wordy, but good. Could be condensed, some stuff was unnecessary.
TheDocJ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:06:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That punchline reminds me of the two nuns driving through Transylvania to visit a remote convent. Mother Superior is driving, with a novice in the passenger seat. Suddenly, a vampire steps out of the trees and leaps onto the car, hissing at them, and about to punch through the windscreen. "Quick, quick!" screams Mother Superior, "Show him your cross!"
The novice winds down her window, leans out, and shouts "Get off the fuckin' car, you stupid idiot!"
conn6614 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then the cop shot the bull and that was it.
xzElmozx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless the guy had perfect aim while running/having a bull charge him, his 9mm wouldn't phase the bull. That's essentially like trying to stop a car with a gun. Sure, the perfect shot could render the car completely useless, but nobody can make that shot. The bull wouldn't even flinch
conn6614 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah really just depends on how far out he is when he starts shooting
Rokusi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:10:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it because it's got two possible interpretations for the punchline.
fatal_kiss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:14:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you help me understand? :/
Rokusi ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:22:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, the first is that the farmer is being a smart-ass in revenge for the officer being so arrogant about how much power his badge gives him.
The second is that the bull is angry at the officer for trespassing, and showing the bull the badge will calm him by letting the bull know the officer had clearance to be there.
CrosseyedDixieChick ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 02:16:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok?
Rokusi ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey man, he asked and I told, what do you want from me?
PendingReview ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and then it happened
cleetus12 ยท 2246 points ยท Posted at 23:56:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. After a while, the bear turns to the rabbit and says,
"Do you ever have problems with shit getting stuck in your fur?"
The rabbit says,
"....no?"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
angryfluttershy ยท 114 points ยท Posted at 01:44:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know a longer version of that one:
One day a ranger walked through the forest and finds a little bunny, and it's crying and bawling its little eyes out and its fur is matted with dirt.... So the ranger asks what happened, and the bunny sniffles:
"The bear asked me whether I shed a lot of hair... and I said 'no' - and then he grabbed me and wiped his butt with me!"
The ranger helps the bunny to clean up and continues his way.
The next day at the forest he meets little bunny again. And this time, it can't stop laughing... and again the ranger asks what happened. And the bunny giggles:
"Today the bear asked the hedgehog...."
square_playn ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 01:36:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not very effective, you want to wipe your ass with something your shit will actually stick to, else you're just petting your shit, tho I'm sure that's someone's fettish.
Milo0007 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 01:40:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always told it, "don't you hate when your shit gets stuck to your fur?"
And the rabbit replies, "eh, it isn't so bad."
stopsucking ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:17:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw Eddie Murphy live on stage a hell of a long time ago. At the end of the night he saw a younger kid in the crowd and said he had a joke for him that he could tell his friends. This was the joke.
antonylockhart ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:18:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its on the Delerious performance thatโs recorded too
heyimrick ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:50:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's Delirious that he told this joke on.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:51:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
heyimrick ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:58:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:) On another note, if OP was at Delirious... What a great show to have seen live.
stopsucking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:05:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was there! Iโm kind of old. I think it was in the early 80โs.
heyimrick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Must have been fun! Though some of those jokes wouldn't go over well today. Still one of my favorite stand ups.
HornyHypnoToad ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:55:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay there Eddie the Cokes in the back.
tmoney144 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:49:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gilbert Gottfried does this joke:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pQFOtEh4z8&list=PLmqQmX_0gagqxDbgVEJ6kc4dlovzlsPYH&index=6
It's just simple jokes like this, but awesome, because Gilbert Gottfried has one of the best deliveries in the history of comedy.
The__E ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was not expecting that lol
joemiller02 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:43:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, Cletus
callmemisterj ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:39:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few days later, the bear goes out to take another shit and sees a little brown squirrel taking a shit at his side. After a while, the bear turns to the squirrel and says,
โDo you ever have problems with shit getting stuck in your fur?โ
The brown squirrel turns angrily and says,
โGo fuck yourself! Iโm that rabbit from a few days ago!โ
:)
enjoycarrots ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:28:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's better if you pantomime grabbing the bunny and wiping your ass with it.
ChasTheGreat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:13:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OMG! I literally laughed out loud. I think I was picturing the look on the rabbit's face.
jr_cameron ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:58:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my favorite is the whole thread, really caught me off guard!
lenbedesma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:50:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't care what the karma says, this is the best one
Paragade ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:00:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how sometimes people's response to obvious questions is "Does a bear shit in the woods?" (other common responses are things like "is the sky blue" or "is the Pope Catholic?")
My response to that ever since I heard that joke has been "Ask the rabbit."
keboh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I end the joke like this:
... So the rabbit replies "no, sure don't"
"Good" (make a grabbing motion, then an exaggerated wiping motion)
cleetus12 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:21:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That version doesn't work as well on reddit.
TheGamingGibb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Charmin Ultra Soft.
G8kpr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
didn't Eddie Murphy do this in one of his specials?
radioactiveryley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember my dad telling me that one over a decade ago.
FuckFaceLee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could almost hear Eddie Murphys laugh after reading that
StayTheHand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always liked the concept of this joke, but I've never seen a good delivery. It's OK when written, but when telling it, there's no good rhythm.
devdeh13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:11 on May 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is in Friday the 13th Part II lol
Daeyel1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gah, I hate when people tell this joke wrong!
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says,
"Mr. Rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says,
"No, Mr. Bear, I don't"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
cleetus12 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:24:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know! I felt the same reading your version :P
davey1960 ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 02:24:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately the shit doesn't stick to the rabbits fur and ends up smeared all over the bear's backside, so the bear tears the rabbit's head off and hurls the corpse away.
cocomojo4991 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 01:40:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha I died laughing. Thatโs great!!
MetalIzanagi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:09:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thoughts and prayers.
darybrain ยท 920 points ยท Posted at 23:08:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the epitome of trust?
Two cannibals blowing each other.
rogert2 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:35:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wow
ASentientBot ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:31:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mutually assured destruction
mr47 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:28:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not the epitome of trust, that's a race to come first with very high stakes...
EarlyEscaper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:52:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"A cannibal 69"
qasimchadhar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now this is a hell of a joke. I'll be laughing for days.
Passed_The_Process ยท 9082 points ยท Posted at 21:36:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus stop?
One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
rtype03 ยท 3804 points ยท Posted at 23:20:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits...
Phantasm0 ยท 868 points ยท Posted at 00:36:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a nun and a woman masturbating in a bubble bath?
Ones got a soul full of hope...
PotatoRacingTeam ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:07:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya got me. Good work!
judgej2 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:58:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns in a bath. "Where's the soap", says one. "Yes, it does, doesn't it", replies the other.
Amm0sexual ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:11:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe itโs late but Iโm missing this one.
BarDownBier ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:23:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wears*
shortyman93 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:54:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm with /u/Amm0sexual. I figured it's a homophone situation, but I don't understand the response.
FreeInformation4u ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:23:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For you and /u/Amm0sexual, the joke is that the second nun thinks the first nun is commenting on how using the soap as a masturbation aid wears [down] the soap.
shortyman93 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:09:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, okay. That makes more sense. I guess the wordplay is a bit too much of a stretch for me to enjoy, but I get it now.
Rabbyk ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:19:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what the nun said?
Lotus-Bean ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She's rubbin' it on her nunny.
reddit-poweruser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:08:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you are
MJWood ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:14:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jimmy Carr and Paul Ryan?
One's a shining wit...
Splitface2811 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:06:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The others got a hole full of soap
EchoBladeMC ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:32:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thatsthejoke.jpg
Splitface2811 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
? I was just finishing the joke.
Pinsalinj ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 10:09:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, because I didn't get it (not native English speaker here).
CoachMingo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a group of pigmies and a girls track team? The pigmies are cunning little runts...
PhilxBefore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
BurstEDO ยท 2667 points ยท Posted at 00:34:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiance...
WhoWantsPizzza ยท 4202 points ยท Posted at 01:42:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha i totally get it.. the lawyer ducks clefiance.
Hitmesoftly ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 02:57:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm ashamed to admit I googled clefiance...
WhoWantsPizzza ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:04:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i'm glad you admitted that hahah. it sounds like it could be a word. kinda.
BScatterplot ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:07:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like some new Pokemon
renowned-Googler ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:12:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like the ultimate evolution of clefairy!
tjonnyc999 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:12:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beyonce's lesser known cousin?
amazonallie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:10:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the funniest thing so far!
buyingbridges ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:24:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. Could have been a joke passed around law school or something. Lol
orilly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:33:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh harder than anything else I've read in this thread
t33m3r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:01 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah you were supposed to duck it not google it. Clearly you are no lawyer
MrSickRanchezz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As you do...
_thisguygetsit_ ยท 344 points ยท Posted at 02:02:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I also get it
Zombie4141 ยท 97 points ยท Posted at 03:16:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I donโt get it
reddit-poweruser ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 09:10:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
shh bby is ok
LiberoskiH ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 02:38:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
Homemade_Millionare ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:56:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
NOT_ZOGNOID ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:21:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I want pizza
Irregulator101 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:38:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
_thisguygetsit_
Pentobarbital1 ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 02:20:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was actually stuck on clefiance...
greenscout33 ยท 461 points ยท Posted at 01:47:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The lawyer fucks decliance
(The Lawyer fucks the clients)
rogergreatdell ยท 416 points ยท Posted at 02:04:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The benchmark of a great joke is the requirement of several comments explaining the punchline
honkhonkbeepbeeep ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 02:24:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/yellsaboutjokes
bjackilly ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 02:57:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I totally get it.. the clenchfart smova grapesmoke iza refirenan of semeralโs momments essplangin da cunch find
jordanicans ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 02:59:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think one of us just had a stroke.
Nothing-Casual ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 03:57:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other one couldn't reach
Boozlebob ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 04:11:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or was the first day with a hook and didn't want to.. you know..
Reorientflame ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't want to show him the badge?
BrianKid ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:24:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Meta
Awestruck3 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:20:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so sorry to hear about your medical condition...
findallthebears ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:20:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me
termiAurthur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is what happens when you read stupid funny shit and try to figure it out.
zonules_of_zinn ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:47:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is the first comment here that actually made me laugh out loud.
thanks!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's how you maximize the total karma. A single comment can only be upvoted once per reader.
Jaerivus ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:47:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. I feel like a moron.
Shamic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:21:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Is that a thing lawyers are known to do?
Do you mean in bed or screwing them out of a settlement?
mistrali2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Both, probably.
imfeelingsaucy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:11:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐
mistrali2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, I thought it was โthe lawyer ducks the clientsโ (because maybe theyโre all trying to strangle him? idk)
futurespice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:44:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that kind of joke is way more common in French than English
Caitautomatica ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:29:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just canโt stop giggling at this ๐
the_iraq_such_as ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:22:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goddammit. Thanks for a good chuckle on a rough day. Have some gold.
WhoWantsPizzza ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:20 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow thanks so much! Glad it got a chuckle. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for ya!
FurcleTheKeh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:08:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is called a contrepรจterie in french I mean, me too thanks
whisperingsage ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:12:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or a Spoonerism in English.
mlg2433 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:37:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus. Iโm crying. Iโm laughing so hard at your response and I canโt stop haha
atleastbehandy ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:09:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Circus and the Rockettes? One is a cunning array of stunts.
RobertWarrenGilmore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is fucking amazing. I'm using this for all kinds of groups of people from now on.
KryptonianJesus ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 00:50:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
don't i know it :(
lol
funnystuff97 ยท 125 points ยท Posted at 01:15:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...the lawer fucks de clients.
TheTamrielTerror ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 01:28:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the person you replied to was implying they are currently being fucked by a lawyer..
..conversely i didn't get it until i read your comment, so thanks
funnystuff97 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:37:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh, completely misread that. Sorry, /u/KryptonianJesus.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Nesman64 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're still just swapping two letters. One just happens to be in the middle of a word.
viking977 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:28:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was de client mon
IkaIsMyWife2018 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:24:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always love a good sponerism
theoriginalmypooper ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:37:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What side of the chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
____Batman______ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:48:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lawyer cucks the fiancรฉ?
catastic5 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:55:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it
NikolaiNyegaard ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:00:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a circus and a brothel?
One is a cunning array of stunts..
supermr34 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:49:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the lawyer ducks clefiance.
TonyBones81 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:50:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches...
daskrip ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe a disobedient rooster or something? What does it mean to "cluck defiance"?
NedDasty ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:54:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It means "perform a normal action which will be oddly described incredibly obtusely so as to contrive the wording of the description of said action in a manner conducive to relaying a joke."
Insomniacrobat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop fucking you once you're dead.
drptdrmaybe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a circus tent and a sorority house?
One has cunning stunts...
ShamelessShenanigans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a clever midget and a diseased vagina?
One's a cunning runt...
texasbravo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
San Antonio lawyers know whats up
Matlock77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a female dear outside of a pickle factory??
A Dildo
Pisohigh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? A woman in church has hope in her soul...
0ngar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a rooster and your mom?
One says Cock-a-doodle-do and the other will take it up the ass for $5.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket?
One snatches watches...
Wolf_in_CheapClothes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a girls track team and a group of super intellectual midgets?
One is of these is a cunning bunch of runts.
Edit: ans=and
_Lady_Deadpool_ ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a gun and my penis? Kids don't cry when a gun goes off in their mouth.
chronographer ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:44:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?
A gold fish mucks about the fountain...
awrinkle1 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:49:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a politician and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker. The other is a fish.
awrinkle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between Hilary Clinton and he Panama Canal? One is a busy ditch.
PhilxBefore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fourleggedostrich ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:35:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a cosmetic surgeon and a school's inspector? One tucks up features...
doogbynnoj ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:01:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a baked bean?
I've never paid $50 to have a baked bean on my face.
tennysonbass ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:46:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its garbanzo bean because a garbanzo bean is a chick pea
Oh_Fuck_Naw ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:43:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what is it
ketters ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:45:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a bad archer and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but he can't hit...
korben1134 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:05:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Saltine and a lesbian? Ones a snack cracker and....
SuperGandalfBros ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:26:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a trapeze artist and a police baton?
One does cunning stuntsโฆโฆโฆ
iamnotasloth ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:35:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a group of really smart midgets and a girls' cross country team?
One's a bunch of cunning runts . . .
awrinkle1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:43:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and a circus?
One is a cunning array of stunts.
I was always a cunning linguist.
1stLtObvious ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:42:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a terrible slogan for an epileptic support group?
Carpe diem.
emmeline_melc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it. And I have epilepsy what am I missing here
1stLtObvious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:29:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Carpe diem = Seize the day
emmeline_melc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:55:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I knew that ๐ your username fits great for this reply btw
bobstar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jake!
Lutherized ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:27:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well... should have read through before I doubled this one up. Heard it in a crowd at the Kentucky Derby. Chased down the guy to get the punch line.
whynaut4 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches watches...
rtype03 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:40:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha, that's great.
iamnotasloth ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:33:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh nice, I know that one as the difference between an epileptic CORNHUSKER and a prostitute with diarrhea.
Morningxafter ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:50:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Difference between growing up on a coast vs growing up in the midwest.
rtype03 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:54:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no no, it's what's the difference...
Morningxafter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True, this is a joke thread. I should have worded my response in the form of a joke.
darkscion0 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:59:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a woman who likes to give rim jobs and a saltine? One is a snack cracker.
pigcommentor ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:34:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am epileptic, can confirmdm232~!~FMnnnnnnnnnnFCCVM~~CVVMVVM#
FrndlyNbrhdSoundGuy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one I've read here that I'm 100% stealing
Muckfizzou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A 90yo man told me this one at the VA hospital:
What's the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
The circus is a cunning view of stunts.
MoldySixth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:55:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LMAO at epileptic oyster shucker man what a fucking image
GunNNife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Sneed's Feed and Seed. formerly Chuck's"
expletive-expletive ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:09:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an elephant and a rhino?
Elifino.
perceptionboss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks - just had a spit take all over my bed
TheAmazingBryantSims ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:45:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a clever midget and a venerial disease?
One is a cunning runt...
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 23:24:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:11:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Putnum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Quality r/thatsthejoke material tho
coopertucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats the rest of the joke then?
tree-sauce ยท 1241 points ยท Posted at 23:29:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of: How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate it's tit a lot.
6and7 ยท 1217 points ยท Posted at 01:27:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently this is George W. Bush's (the famous painter) favourite joke.
Fun fact: he was also once president of the United States from 2001-2009.
TheUnfabulousKilljoy ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 04:43:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
George W. Bush is probably the second-best example of great painters who had to give up their dream for something more practical.
D1pSh1t__ ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:48:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, Bob Ross did some great things.
BrowsOfSteel ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:20:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoโs the other?
Canโt be Hitler: he couldnโt paint worth a damn.
thewinterlight ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 02:44:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, really weird that of all the jokes, some pretty tricky wordplay is his favorite. HIM. George W. Bush
DuplexFields ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 04:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not surprised. He was more on top of things than a lot of people think.
PhilxBefore ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:49:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/JhmdEq3JhoY
Danimals847 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:52:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't doubt that Bush was a great analyst and would have made a fantastic advisor, or cabinet member, etc., but he was a stuttering buffoon of a president. The job of any elected head-of-state isn't just to know what's going on, it is to be the face of the nation for the rest of the world. The rest of the world bases its view of the citizenry of other countries largely on their elected leaders.
BEEF_WIENERS ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:35:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And yet his administration still started a war that killed thousands of Americans for nothing at all and vastly decreased stability in the middle-east. So, maybe he's good at school and speechwriting and academic pursuits and knowledge to the point that after almost 5 hours of hearing his advisors talk he can predict their positions, but he's either terrible at keeping control of his administration (Cheney and Rumsfeld specifically), didn't give a fuck what they were doing so long as he could profit, or actually wanted to institute policies that fucked the world up.
So which is it? Incompetence, apathy, or malice? When we call W dumb, it's the best possible thing we can say about him.
2bitgun ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I strongly believe that it's malice
TheMysteriousMid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hanlon was wrong?
Cpritch58 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:04:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like you need to re-read the very last paragraph...
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 05:29:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, liberals are always right, and if you don't agree, you're stupid, wrong, and probably post in T_D
LusoAustralian ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:32:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you seriously going to be defending the man who started an unjustified and unnecessary war that killed hundreds of thousands of innocents?
Cpritch58 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:12:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, I'll take the Reddit bullet. I think Bush was an excellent president, especially considering what he had to work with. As that article said, just because you disagree with me politically doesn't mean I'm stupid. Doesn't mean you are, either.
LusoAustralian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:17:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs overseen atrocities and said nothing as people were tortured and bombed. He completely helped set the stage for the economic collapse and his administration didnโt put any sort of regulations in the relevant markets. He set back Americaโs environmental research 8 years and Iโd say played a role in the level of climate skepticism.
I donโt think youโre wrong for being a republican, I think itโs blinding you to the many egregious faults over many fields.
Cpritch58 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:57:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, well before I counterpoint you, were you an Obama voter or supporter?
LusoAustralian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:12:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think Obama on the whole had a positive presidency however there were serious issues around the indiscriminate use of drones in places like Yemen. Domestically however I think he did a good job, especially considering how vitriolic and uncompromising the oppositio was. Dealt with a lot of abuse with a lot of class.
meatshieldjim ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 06:18:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Conservatives think a smart person and a smart ass are the same thing.
Noughmad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:57:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Of course he's very smart, you have to be to succeed in politics. So is Obama, Trump, and every other president.
Unfortunately, in order for Americans to vote for you, you have to pretend that you're not that smart. Which is why Trump talks like he does, not because he doesn't know any better, but because he knows what gets him support.
DuplexFields ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:44:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's better at consistently talking at a fourth-grade level than any of the other candidates. It's like C.S. Lewis said, if you can't explain the same concept to an airplane mechanic and to a seminary student and have them both understand, you don't really know the concept well enough yourself.
railmaniac ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:29:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Twice
ch1burashka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:03:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I never...
spartacus2690 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:02:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Twice president you mean
UnrulySupervisor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:59:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like he would ruin his own favorite joke...
TrollinTrolls ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 03:21:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heh, heh. How do you titalliate an ocelot?
It's tit is a lot! Err.. the ocelot's tits are a lot......
You can't turn it again!
Awestruck3 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:23:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fool me once shame on you... But... Fool me twice...
You...
You can't fool me again!
mykleins ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:25:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me twice, canโt put the blame on you.
Dark_Side_Of_Uranus ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 03:28:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs, load the chopper let it rain on you.
Arctic_Puppet ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:31:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that he stumbled and changed it half way through because he realized there would be a clip of him saying, "Shame on me," and he was like "oh fuck that's not good."
Awestruck3 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:34:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah most people speculate that the leader of the United States probably shouldn't say "Shame on me" or "Fool me twice"
PhilxBefore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you're quoting someone else, get it right.
Kkpears ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:40:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Strike three!
Hates_escalators ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me chicken soup with rice...
Awestruck3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:40:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fool me once shame on me but fool me twice... Fiddle dee dee
DaniePants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Subscribe
Onironaute ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:00:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Should have stuck with painting.
Danimals847 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this.
Yaminavi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:05 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact: he also did 9/11 /s
handlebartender ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:30:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I literally remember where I was and who I was with the first time I heard this one.
FreeInformation4u ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:23:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oscillate it is tit a lot?
MarsNirgal ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:52:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That has some /r/WordAvalanches possibilities.
NedDasty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Isle of this sub.
Pioneer411 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches...
european_impostor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:39:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you found a chinchilla in Chile
And ripped off it's beard willy-nilly
You could honestly say
That you had just made
A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly.
OcelotWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No pls
PuttyGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which reminds me of, "How do you give a lemon an orgasm?" 'You tickle its citrus.'
boyuber ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 00:21:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a mallard with a cold and your mother? One's a sick duck, and... I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore.
Andrewsarchus ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:05:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Suck it, Trebek!
ch1burashka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:03:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Shuck it
FTFY
LordoftheSynth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:05:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I spent five years of my life trying to invent an Anal Bum Cover. Failing to do so is my greatest regret.
boyuber ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:38:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got to ask you about the Penis Mightier...
PhilxBefore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Le tits, now!
FOMO_Arigato ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:19:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches...
mooohh91 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:27:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
waaahtches snotches
Putnum ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:36:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Havent seen this one yet, my uncle taught me it before I was a teenager so a couple of decades ago now!
What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?
One mucks around in fountains..
Breyos ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:30:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a cat and a comma?
Ones a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
amateur_simian ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 23:57:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a circus and a brothel?
A circus is a cunning array of stuntsโฆ
ramblingnonsense ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:51:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a leprechaun and a hooker with the clap?
Well, one's a cunning runt...
SlutBuster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:15:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sarah Palin and the Panama Canal. One's a busy ditch...
browsit ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:37:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was expecting to see 'what's the difference between a bunch of smart pygmies and a women's track team?'
PhilxBefore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, OP botched it.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 23:58:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Nastyboots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
dude why
AwesomeJohn01 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:03:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, now I'm thinking about lobsters with big jiggly human titties and can't stop laughing
SuperMechaRoboHitler ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:11:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bubble bath?
The woman in church has hope in her soul...
AtWorkAccount1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:08:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Tupperware and a Sea lion have in common?
They're both lookin' for a tight seal!
Andy_B_Goode ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:48:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a podiatrist and a bad drummer?
A podiatrist bucks up your feet ...
Subbie138 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:24:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese person that got run over by a bus?
One's a crustacean...
ASentientBot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:18:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could someone explain this one?
Subbie138 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:20:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...the other is a crushed Asian.
Jond0331 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:50:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on me.
alephgalactus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:43:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?
Oneโs a sick duck, and I canโt remember how it ends but your motherโs a whore.
-Sean Connery
mvrander ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:32:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Loads of these but nobody seems to have done the marksman one....
What's the difference between a cross eyed marksman and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit
johnnyr1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:53:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pygmy tribe and a woman track team?
One's a cunning bunch of runts.
Oparon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a pervert?
One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
Sophophilic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:49:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between the Blue Angels and Charlie's Angels?
One is a cunning array of stunts...
i_spank_ass ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse than a lobster on your piano?
Having crabs on your organ.
CerpinTaxt11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:23:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually tell this, but instrsd name a local, well known rundown bus station. The punchline is much better if you don't repeat any words on the question.
Rhihard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:28:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upi, that you?
oddvkngr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between a prostitute in the bathtub and a nun? One has hope in her soul.
geekworking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:55:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a stripper show and a circus?
The circus is a cunning bunch of stunts
rosecan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a circus and a whorehouse? Oneโs a cunning array of stunts...
EXTRAVAGANT_COMMENT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will never be able to say this out loud without fucking up.
zapho300 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a fake American dollar and a very skin girl?
Well, one is a phoney buck.....
MrHellzYeah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a cowlick and a vaginal air burst?
A cowlick is a fussy part.
DonnyBoon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:07:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a Scandinavian jam band and a baby thrown through a basketball hoop?
Oneโs a Swedish Phish and the otherโs a fetus swish.
THEDZISDEAD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lost my shit at this
jeffsteez__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:52:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
doogbynnoj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:02:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a baked bean?
I've never paid $50 to have a baked bean on my face.
Nastyboots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One of them snatches watches
Twoduckskissing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw Ellen yesterday too!
adube440 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a last will and testament and a man who has eaten his fill? Ones signed and dated, the other is dinned and sated.
Bignrollin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a constipated owl and a poor archer?
crwlngkngsnk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt...
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches watches...
bradyc77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
One is a flaming ball of Nazi gas and the other is a dirigible.
Ebee617 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that on Ellen the other day.
desipants28 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between the London subway and a Dutchman?
One is a hollow cylinder and the other is a silly Hollander
a116jxb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homosexual? One sicks ducks.
steak4342 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a Chinese man hit by a truck and a lobster? The lobster is a crustacean and the Chinese man is a crushed Asian...
oz_caution ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Corvokillsalot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
Dryu_nya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOOK, BROTHERS!
TITS.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
the_engineericist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:43:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a smart midget and a diseased vagina? One's a cunning runt...
DookNuke_m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:50:43 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between a tribe of pygmy warriors and a women's track team?
One is a cunning band of runts.
WildWook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is good.
chillywilly16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a group of women jogging?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
fourleggedostrich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Woohoo! First joke in this thread I hadn't heard before, and it's a belter!
CSugarPrince ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite โ๏ธ
Reddit_banter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:52:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a nun and a naked woman in a bath tub?
One has a soul full of hope while the other...
seabutcher ยท 12490 points ยท Posted at 22:30:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything".
theangryintern ยท 7889 points ยท Posted at 23:14:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Buddha pays with a $20 bill and vendor hands him his hotdog and goes to help the next customer. The Buddha says "what about my change" and the vendor replies: "Change must come from within"
AlaskanWolf ยท 3386 points ยท Posted at 23:48:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And to finish off the trifecta:
... So Buddha pulls a gun on the vendor.
"Woah, man. What about inner peace!?"
Buddha responds, "This is my inner piece."
poesian ยท 2971 points ยท Posted at 00:23:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But then they hear sirens; a bystander had called the police. The Buddha takes his money back, and stands there and slowly begins to eat his hotdog.
Someone says, "Aren't you going to run?"
The Buddha says, "Namaste."
cuttlefish_tastegood ยท 600 points ยท Posted at 01:23:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every single time, without fail, this joke gets told and finished by different people on reddit. It's beautiful
koncqwense ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 02:31:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yea a good bhuddist joke is nice every now and zen.
rxddit_ ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:22:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I AM NOW CUTTING PHYLLISโS HEAD WITH A CHAINSAW. RRRRNRRRNRNRNRNRNRN
poesian ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 01:30:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beautiful! This is my second time.
[deleted] ยท -39 points ยท Posted at 01:30:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
gentrifiedasshole ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 02:11:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're an abomination and your creator should be made to stand in the corner until they learn their lesson.
woowoo293 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:41:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day robots are going to have a) feelings and b) chainsaw arms, and we're gonna be so fucked.
Dank-Boi69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:37:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was deleted whatd he say?
splitcroof92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:45 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to know aswell
cuttlefish_tastegood ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 01:41:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is this bot. Bad bot.
Karrion8 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:09:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He corrects hot dog but it's in the username.
buzzsawjoe ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An open-faced sandwich doesn't have a lid, just one piece of bread with stuff on top. A hot dog has a lid. Bad bot.
mrjawright ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only if you hold it sideways
Fifth_damn_account ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:37:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol
ProfTree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
ThatOneGuy0303 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/LostBots
infinitefoamies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot though I perfer tube steak.
tjonnyc999 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:21:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the circle of life, man.
fortunatedad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:55:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs in the bylaws. Reddit has failsafes if no one steps up.
Thiswasacouch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, that's not true. The committee can overrule the chancellor - that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote.
fortunatedad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:25:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good point. [heavy sigh] This was all a lot easier before the bots. [takes drag from cigarette]
utterdamnnonsense ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 01:26:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The vendor says "Why you acting so crazy?"
The Buddha says, "I'm off my meditation."
nomnommish ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:02:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After all the commotion had died down, Buddha sat in that same bench all night. He had finished his hotdogs, he had finished his change, he had finished with his witty retorts and puns. He was only left with his mind. Oblivious of his surroundings, his mind wandered here, it wandered there. It meandered, it perambulated, it just spun around for fun. It emptied itself, it filled itself with trash, it did what it did. Eventually, like really eventually, he started thinking about life, about man, about nature, in first principles. He pondered deeply about whether the sun rises in the East or if it rises in the West. So lost in thought was he, that he didn't even realize when when the answer finally dawned on him.
thepilatesnewbie ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 01:08:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This oneโs my favorite! Lol
qwertyuiop111222 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:38:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But, what does it even mean?
PS: Got it guys, I got it. Thank you. I'm an absolute dolt.
mechaturtles ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 01:39:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Namaste - โNah, imma stayโ
angrymamapaws ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:42:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. I think this doesn't work with most dialects. Imma isn't even close to being a word in mine.
zeroman29 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:48:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also the pronunciation of namaste is horrific.
DarthRegoria ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:49:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm an Aussie, and to me it sounds like โnah, must stayโ
KJ6BWB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hotdog stands only exist in the North-East portion of the US where everyone has rich accents. ;)
mechaturtles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, itโs a contraction of โIโm going toโ
angrymamapaws ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:55:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes I appreciate that, it just isn't something that comes up in every dialect of English. In my dialect we would say "I'm gunna." I understand it once the joke is explained because I've heard "imma" in American songs but I would never hear "namaste" and hear "I'm going to stay" because that's not how I'm used to people talking.
mechaturtles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:57:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs fair, Iโm in a similar boat here too. Itโs a kind of slang that I know exists, but never use regularly or seriously.
wonkersmack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Out of curiosity, what is your English dialect?
angrymamapaws ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Australian middle class.
cunty_cuntington ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fair enough...it makes sense throughout most of the US. Definitely east coast and west coast, but maybe not the soft middle of the country.
DarthRegoria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:52:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm Aussie, I read it as โnah, mus stayโ, meaning must stay. The pronunciation of namaste is pretty much right that way too.
heartfelt24 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not to be racist, but that sounds very black.
flipping_birds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:35 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yo, that's wack
Soundguy1993 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:46:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS. IT'S PROVOCATIVE. IT GETS THE PEOPLE GOING!
boyhowdyboy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:40:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unicorn.
ejeebs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:43:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Namaste is an Indian greeting which sounds like "Nah, I'mma stay" which is another way of saying "No, I am going to stay."
TechnicalWhaleshark ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
namaste sounds like nah imma stay - i think namaste itself means thank you(?)
modernangel ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:43:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
more like "the divine within me bows to the divine within you"
TechnicalWhaleshark ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:44:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whelp i seriously messed that up lol
unionjunk ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:53:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, you're doing fine. The divine within you needs to step up its game though
TechnicalWhaleshark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ill tell my divine within me to do just that
troflwaffle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No tentacle porn allowed
Esoteric_Erric ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:35:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And a German fellah, hearing this, added,
โok, .....stay zen.โ
LiberContrarion ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:51:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still, the Buddha keeps on returning to this hot dog stand, day after day, drinking soda like a fiend. Unfortunately, he has terrible brushing habits and finds himself at the dentist with many severe cavities.
As the doctor is about to start, he pulls out a huge syringe of novocaine.
The Buddha cries out, "Stop! Transcend dental medication."
stitics ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This might work better if the dentist was about to start work without any painkiller and when asked about it he says, โStop, transcend dental medication .โ
LiberContrarion ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:48:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a clunky joke. I've tried to slice it multiple ways and I'm never happy.
Shanghaipete ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:53:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen the 14th Dalai Lama?
Well, it doesn't matter. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.
OhSchistGneiss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:55:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its the rarely seen quadfecta
errir404 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:33:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Namaste? No solo agua
FreeInformation4u ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:35:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one always bothers me. That's not even how "namaste" is pronounced in Hindi. It's far closer to "nuh-MUHS-tay".
poesian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... Which is about right for sounding like the English "Nah, I'mma stay". "Nah-[um]-MUHS-tay"
FreeInformation4u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The emphasis in "I'mma" is on the first syllable. "EYE-muh". The emphasis in "namaste" is on the second syllable.
Even besides that, it doesn't line up:
"NAH-EYE-muh-STAY" - four syllables three distinct points of emphasis, with first and second syllables that clearly rhyme with "paw" and "pie", respectively
"nuh-MUHS-tay" - three syllables with one distinct point of emphasis, with first and second syllables that clearly rhyme with "phแป" and "fuss", respectively
They just aren't that similar. Sorry, I know this is pedantic, but I really don't like this joke.
KJ6BWB ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:39:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then say: "nah, must stay". This isn't rocket science. :P
FreeInformation4u ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:00:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not what the joke is getting at and we both know it.
KJ6BWB ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:29:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the earlier posters had it wrong in their pronunciation and what the pun actually was. You can admit you were wrong, I do so every so often. :)
FreeInformation4u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can admit it as well. But I'm not in this case. Who says "Nah, must stay"? That's a very strange thing to say. Even if that were the pun (which I do not believe it is), it would only work if you emphasized "must" rather than "nah". Most English speakers would emphasize the word "nah" there.
KJ6BWB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... Dude, it's a pun. They all say stupid stuff, they usually all phrase things in a slightly nonstandard way. Just give it up that there's a way to say it that makes sense with how you're saying the word should be pronounced. :p
FreeInformation4u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:11:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get the feeling that you're trying to needle me with the emoticons and saying things like "just admit it dude!"
I still do not agree with you. This isn't a matter of me not admitting that I am wrong. It's just not a very good joke. The previous ones ("make me one with everything", "change must come from within", "this is my inner piece") are excellent pun jokes. They don't rely on deliberately mispronouncing something to try to fit it into a punchline like the last one does.
Stop continuing to try to pick a fight. The two words have fairly different pronunciations. That's just a fact.
KJ6BWB ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:23:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Flaming monkeys. There's a perfectly acceptable alternative interpretation that fits with your chosen pronunciation and you're quibbling over whether a person would put the stress on "nah" or "must" in "nah, must stay".
And that's a deliberate mispronunciation? Come off it. You picked this fight, you started pointing out how everyone else was wrong. I wandered in near the end and pointed out that in this particular case, you were probably the one wrong and you just are point blank refusing to accept that?
ubik2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To explain it, people say "I'mma", but this is often just pronounced "Muh". The I is dropped. Sounds like people don't say it that way around you, though.
FreeInformation4u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard someone pronounce it that way. But even still, the emphasis is on the wrong syllable.
poesian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's okay, you're allowed to be particular about which jokes you think are funny. You're not totally wrong and I think it's the worst part of the whole Buddha-and-the-cart joke series.
But (a) you can force it to work and (b) you're insisting on pronouncing "I'mma" as "eye-mah", whereas it's also pronounced closer to "umma" (ref, ref2) Thus, "nah", (elided into) "I'ma" (pronounced "um"), "stay". "Nah-muh-stay." I can say it in such a way that to my ear, it sounds like both the English phrase and the word of Sanskrit origin.
FreeInformation4u ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see where you're coming from with this, but frankly it still feels like a big stretch in my dialect. "I'mma" is at most something like "ahmmuh", with the first vowel sound distinctly different from the sound of เค , the corresponding vowel sound in the first two syllables of เคจเคฎเคธเฅเคคเฅ.
What bothers me about this joke is that it's predicated on the way most Americans pronounce the word เคจเคฎเคธเฅเคคเฅ - that is, as "NAH-muh-stay". They emphasize the first syllable and modify its vowel sound into "ah". The original word in the correct Hindi pronunciation places emphasis on the second syllable and, again, uses the proper vowel sound เค . The whole punchline rests on that bastardized pronunciation, and while you can force the pronunciation to work - with limited success - it doesn't change the fact that that's just an a posteriori attempt to fix a joke built on shoddy foundations.
I do enjoy jokes! But I don't like jokes that are fundamentally flawed like this one.
DarthRegoria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just figured it was meant to mean โnah, must stayโ which uses correct pronunciation. But Iโm Australian, and we donโt really say โIโmmaโ here. Thatโs the only way it makes sense to me.
FreeInformation4u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It actually does not use correct pronunciation. "Nah, must stay" would generally emphasize either the first syllable only or both the first and second syllables. It also uses the wrong vowel sound in the first syllable. And it's a strange thing to say in general.
I think it's just sort of a shitty joke, but it's popular because people mispronounce the word namaste.
DarthRegoria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm Australian, so the pronunciation with an Australian accent works. It is the right vowel sound, because we say โnahโ like โnarhโ rather than โnaโ that an American would say. Plus we shorten everything and run words together, so it would make sense that โmust stayโ becomes โmus tayโ. Itโs common to say โmust goโ here when leaving, so โmust stayโ doesnโt sound too weird. No one here says โIโmma stayโ so it makes much more sense to an Australian (and Iโm guessing any Brits reading too).
Iโve never heard the joke before, but it makes sense to me based on my accent, using โnah, must stayโ and the correct pronunciation of namaste (numb - ah - stay as far as I know)
FreeInformation4u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is incorrect. I actually gave the correct pronunciation earlier - it is "nuh-MUHS-tay". Both the first two syllables have the same vowel sound, "uh". Listen to any of the pronunciations on this page that are actually from India.
tempthethrowaway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best thing I've seen today.
LordoftheSynth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only use of โnamasteโ Iโve seen in years that hasnโt irritated the crap out of me.
ivanwarrior ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:43:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Boooo
ooSPREEZoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:27:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The police arrive in force they have the Buddha surrounded. They proceed to draw thier weapons and tell the Buddha to give up peacefully before they shoot.
The Buddha looks up slowly and responds, "I Vishnu would."
[deleted] ยท -18 points ยท Posted at 00:23:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
DarkTFM ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 00:40:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wtf is wrong with you bot
[deleted] ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 00:32:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're lucky I don't swear in front of theological figures.
northrupthebandgeek ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:03:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It ain't a sandwich unless the bun breaks. Until then, it's a taco.
Snake-N-Roses ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:29:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about when you donโt cut a Kaiser roll all the way through?
northrupthebandgeek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then it's a Kaiser taco.
aangnesiac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Subway tacos!
stitics ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:45:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Taco Artists
System0verlord ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
jetmanfortytwo ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:00:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
Raptorguy3 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 00:45:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you fucking commiebot he means hotdog.
RuneLFox ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:49:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WEE WOO WEE WOO THIS IS THE BOT'S RIGHTS POLICE
You're under arrest for violating galactic bot's rights.
Please refrain from being rude to the bots.
Zomburai ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:59:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
can we be rude to Bots Rights Police, bot pig!?
Waterfall_Jason ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:04:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโll allow it
idwthis ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:43:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I like your username. Don't go, Jason Waterfalls.
Waterfall_Jason ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:49 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is actually my reddit name but i couldnโt use it here as it was taken I think
Waterfall_Jason ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:44:00 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*imgur name sorry
RuneLFox ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:19:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey I never cleared this! My office, now!
seabutcher ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:39:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....good.... bot...?
Kecha_Wacha ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:49:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen some bad bots in my day but god damn. This is some penguin of d00m so random ecks dee shit right here.
icepyrox ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:02:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that it only responded to that use of hotdog and not any of the others makes it extra funny.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
BanMeBabyOneMoreTime ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:07:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No he meant hotdog motherfucker
necrambo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This bot is clearly of Russian design, unleashed to sow chaos!
VikingTeddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a hotdogs mother like?
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:07:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
jc1295 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:22:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... hotdog...?
DrDew00 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:12:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
DrDew00 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:12:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
aravena ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You spork girl?
dickheadaccount1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:09:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Creator of this bot, have you ever eaten an open-faced sandwich? How does a hotdog qualify at all as an open-faced sandwich? If you took a ham sandwich and turned it on it's side so the middle bits were visible, would that make it an open faced sandwich? (No.) When people argue that a hot dog is a sandwich, they don't mean an open-faced one. Do a Google image search for open-faced sandwich.
0x564A00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bot was deleted, what did it say? I must know!
dickheadaccount1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I tell you, will you stop replying to this comment?
0x564A00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Argh, commenting on mobile. I'm sorry.
dickheadaccount1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It said "Hot dog? Don't you mean open-faced sausage sandwich?" or something very close to that.
An attempt at memeing the "hot dog is a sandwich" thing, but they didn't know what open-faced meant, apparently.
0x564A00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. My thirst for information has been quenched! Also, sorry again for the multi-comments.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
necrambo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:28:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP now this bot is openly mocking you, how will you respond?!
DrDew00 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:12:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
SimbaOnSteroids ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:28:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a hot dog.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:08:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
Im sorry bot
JustARedditUser0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:42:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot
Fuck all y'all haters.
Rocky_Road_To_Dublin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This bot is sacrilege
DrDew00 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:11:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
TiltedZen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:15:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
ticokico ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get it
Halcyon_Fly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:14:05 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Namaste = Nah I'mma stay
2inkdrops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:34:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didnt know this part. i love it
DickWork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone want to explain to the dense guy what is funny about this one?
Halcyon_Fly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:14:18 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Namaste = Nah I'mma stay
678trpl98212 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 00:45:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edit: made a Confucius joke. My bad. Carry on.
poesian ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:52:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, friend, that's a Confucius joke. Not the same type of humor.
permagreen ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:27:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This Buddha guy sounds like trouble. If I ever see him, I'm just going to kill him.
emmeline_melc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:36:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I missing a pun here?
AmishCableGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
http://www.dailybuddhism.com/archives/670
Neonentity2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Especially on the road.
QuinceDaPence ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:23:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welp you just cost me >$600 sometime in the future since now I have to buy a pistol and have it engraved "Inner Piece"
mandrous ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:53:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't really get this one. Can someone explain it?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:41:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
inner peace --> inner piece (piece = gun)
Kinda meh in comparison to the others
SMS450 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then the hot dog vendor pulls out his hearing aid, and says โthis is my in-ear piece.โ
Logondo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then turns him into a holy hotdog vendor.
CoolingtonBeans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because he keeps it in his butt
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:50:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AlaskanWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can, yea.
angelsandairwaves93 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:45:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only reason i understood the original joke is because I understood yours. If that's not some Buddha shit right there.
ImTheLawTalkingGuy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Learned this from Christopher Hitchens
landmindboom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP Hitch
Eboo143 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 00:08:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then The Buddha shanked that hotdog stand owners bitch ass. Ain't no one fuck with the Buddha.
Ain't no one.
TurnNburn ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then the buddah whips open his robe pulling out an AK-47 from his side as he sweeps left and right unloading bullets into the hot dog stand and says, "I'd buy that for a dollar."
SoullessGingerBeard ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 00:13:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't The Buddha vacuum under his sofa? He has no attachments
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:28:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AnswerIsSpeedforce ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:33:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm a joke and I approve this buddhist
McNultella ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 00:01:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seeing that Aussie news host Karl Stefanovic say that to the Dalai Lama made me cringe.
Alexander556 ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 00:28:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The problem was that the Dalai Lamas english was not that good, he was unable to understand the joke.
EroticSquirrel ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:31:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was that the joke couldnโt be translated into Tibetan
angrymamapaws ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dalai Lama speaks English but slowly.
Plus religious leaders are eccentric characters, the stuff that makes them laugh isn't the same as what makes the rest of us laugh.
PotatoRacingTeam ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:02:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's also a fucking dumb joke, tbf.
angrymamapaws ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:27:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Our country does specialise in shitposts.
TheDocJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helps if you are Desmond Tutu.
ProbablyMisinformed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also being one with everything isnโt actually a Buddhist idea.
floodlenoodle ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 01:17:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was hilarious because of how funny he thought his own joke was
Blitzfx ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:26:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and how he realised it failed
floodlenoodle ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:31:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly
potsieharris ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:07:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c
Firewolf420 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:36:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well he handled that very well. I just watched that... im pretty sure it wouldve been 200x more awkward if I was in that situation lol. Seemed pretty confident to me
Mordred478 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:43:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HighRelevancy ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:05:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Australian TV host Karl Stefanovic once told this joke to the Dalai Lama.
TheKevinKevin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh the cringe
rabbit358 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:23:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it? :(
seabutcher ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 00:37:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a joke that manipulates circumstance to enable a quirk of the English language in which a simple statement or request can be interpreted with two very distinct and totally unrelated meanings.
The Buddha is the namesake of the Buddhist religion, a deeply philosophical man whose exact beliefs I won't go into here (not least among my reasons that I don't actually know much about Buddhism) but for the purpose of the joke you can assume he believes in being "as one" with the entire universe, inferring a sort of spiritual connection.
Hotdog stands tend to offer a variety of extra items in hotdogs- vendors typically offer things like cheese and fried onions- so it is often common practice for people who like everything on offer to order one "with everything'.
Therefore the joke is that the Buddha's request can be interpreted as him asking for spiritual guidance or simply ordering a hotdog.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:42:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like it works better if it's a pizza.
icepyrox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:03:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard the same joke before with pizza instead of a hotdog. Even with the continuations above, except paying $40 since it's pizza.
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 01:04:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
glodime ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:28:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No. Bad bot. Bad.
LordGwyn-n-Tonic ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:55:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its probably one of the worst bots I've ever seen tbh.
buzzsawjoe ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:10:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking along a Mexican street and saw a vendor with a little cart selling slices of pineapple. I decided I wanted one, so I walked over and asked for a slice. The vendor asked "ยฟCon todo?" I thought he asked "ยฟEs todo?" so I answered "Si."
.
So then he started putting seasonings on that slice of pineapple. He shook some of every shaker and bottle he had on it. He even reached up into the little roof of the cart and got down something special and shook some of that on it. After one bite I thought I was going to die.
c08855c49 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:44:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke was terrible
GR7XL3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you
htmlrulezdood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ty for your explanation
AlienHands ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:30:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Excellent explanation
tbz709 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:33:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As in the spiritual "be one with everything"
Caspian24 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:00:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kaaaarl!
Hackrid ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:14:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Australian card flashed.
Waterproof_soap ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 23:25:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So the guy gives Buddha the hotdog and says, โThatโll be $2.50.โ
The Buddha hands him three dollars and waits. The vendor smirks and says, โSorry, change must come from within.โ
drixhen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:11:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Karl stefanovic from r/longstabbything actually told that joke to the dalai lama
https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c
drunkenpinecone ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:53:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is a video with a guy telling the Dalai Lama this joke.
It did not go well.
The Dalai Lama stood there like... "huh?"
Edit: it was a pizza joke, same punchline
swales8191 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:40:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The vendor says, โalright that will be seven bucks.โ The Buddha obliges and hands him a crisp twenty.
As The Buddha receives his almighty frank, and the vendor says thanks, a very puzzled Buddha looks at the vendor. โI gave you a twenty, and you said it only cost seven. Where is my change?โ
The vendor says with a serene smile, โchange comes from within.โ
Minicomputer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:13:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except Buddhism isn't even remotely about being "at one with everything," though it's a common enough misconception. (And this is likely why the Dalai Lama didn't get the joke that time on Australian tv.)
angrymamapaws ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some forms of Buddhism are but I think not so much Mahayana.
Most people think Dalai Lama is head of a school of Tibetan Buddhism as in Vajrayana, and there are Vajrayana concepts that have a lot to do with being one with everything. Perhaps Karl should retry the joke with HH the Karmapa, if we ever figure out who that is. But HH Dalai Lama generally is associated with Mahayana.
Minicomputer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:06:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, there are not. Like I said, it's just a popular misconception.
angrymamapaws ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a Theravada website. I'm being generous but some teachings and meditations of Vajrayana Buddhism could be loosely translated or quickly explained in such a way as to lead to the image of oneness.
Then I made a joke about the difficulties of Vajrayana in practice to make it clear that I'm not being 100% intense.
Minicomputer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would still refer people to the essay in my previous reply.
angrymamapaws ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a pretty good starting point. An excellent starting point in general, the entire website, for all the written forms and aspects of Buddhism.
Minicomputer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:57:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I agree. Unfortunately the site isn't being updated any longer, though it will be maintained indefinitely as far as I understand. ATI had a nice eclectic group of authors and translators. Now people are going to Sutta Central. Vipassana.org is a good resource.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 01:14:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
buzzsawjoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, bot, you're quite the hotdog aren't you
LordGwyn-n-Tonic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worst bot.
slow_as_light ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know the one about the Buddhist vacuum salesman? He didn't have any attachments.
plumbtree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:25:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the schizophrenic person become a Buddhist?
So he could be at two with himself
Luvagoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Snorting into my shoulder on a packed train Goddamn it.
p4d ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:48:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This didnโt go so well when a TV presenter tried a version of this joke on the Dalai Lama. Awkward!
https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c
ElevatorMuzic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:14:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite
HobbitFoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It is kind of awkward when you tell this joke to the Dhali Lama.
amnesiacrobat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the Buddha use anesthetic during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
The_Indifferent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c
A guy tries to tell the Dali Lama a similar joke.
tehreal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this in Bicentennial Man.
outerheavenboss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have heard that joke a million times but I still don't get it... Can someone explain it to me, please?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:24:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Buddhism TL;DR revolves around being connected with the universe or being one with everything
For instance a Buddha is someone who transcended physical constraints to reach the Buddhist state of enlightment. This is why many monks dedicate themselves to years of meditation and prayer to reach the Buddha or elightment state
Sorry got off track, anyways hotdogs made with everything often mean hotdogs with every available condiment. The joke here is a Buddhist monk asks for a hotdog "Make me one with everything" which is a reference to the one with everything aspect of Buddahism
I may have gotten some information wrong about buddahism, if anyone sees I did feel free to correct me.
Also I should point out Buddhists are unlikely to eat hotdogs, especially monks since vegetarianism is common among Buddhists
outerheavenboss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah that make sense. Thank you. Hahaha
JAWS1845 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The hotdog vendor says that will be $1.50 a piece. The Buddha replies peace comes from within.
Nerje ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here is Australian icon Karl Stefanovic telling that joke to the actual Dalai Lama
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c
Agent641 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this joke every time I get a sausage sizzle from Bunnings.
TheHappeningHasBeen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm so sad and stoked that you said this! For years I was proud of my Dalai Lama at a pizza place joke but it clearly wasnโt original! Rough! But itโs a great one either way!
Xaayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every time this joke is posted on this sort of thread, I have to link this failure https://youtu.be/aJhKVICLi9s
periodicchemistrypun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Letโs never forget an Aussie icon once said that to the dalaรฏ lama. And he laughed hard enough for the two of them.
finny789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one didn't work on the Dalai Lama..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c
SaucyLettuce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was actually told to the Dalai Lama. He didnโt get it.
twentygreenskidoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/GogjFO8GNEo
bearrington ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mom INSISTS that she made this joke up. There is no amount of evidence that will change her mind.
rgryffin13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this one as dalai lama instead of Buddha. My sister told it to the dalai lama when she met him. He liked it.
troflwaffle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:34:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your sister is an Australian dude?
sleepytime123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That hot dog vendor.... Aaron Rodgers
Aaron Rodgers visited with His Holiness the Dalai Lama on his trip to India https://i.redd.it/wjq9j7pli2r01.jpg
natxi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does the insomniac, agnostic, dyslectic person do?
Stays up all night wondering if there is a dog
16_40am ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Throwback to when a news anchor told this to the Dalai Lama and it was in fact one of the most unfunny exchanges iโve ever witnessed
faithle55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One hippy says to the other: "Turn on the radio, man."
Second hippy: "Radio, I lo-ove you."
imageWS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:39:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my God, I just now understood this joke, after years.
orilly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A TV host in Australia tried to tell that joke to the Dalai Lama. It did not go well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz06Exzp79g
yrast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen the clip of the reporter telling this joke to the Dalai lama?
Edit: word missing.
seabutcher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:42:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, but I've seen the link enough times in the last 17hrs that I can recognise it before I click it.
Manekk98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a British reporter trying this joke is the Dalai Lama
bsmilner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:39 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a guy on an Australian news channel said this joke to the Dalai Lama. he didn;t get it and it was really awkward
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:25:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Fox News host actually told a joke like this to the fucking Dalai Lama. His response โ[pause].. he he! It is impossible! :Dโ
jcaboche ยท 2014 points ยท Posted at 22:24:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Went to a zoo the other day and the only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Amstourist ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:15:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been reading this thread for the last half an hour and this is by far my favorite
jcaboche ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you! If only I could remember the source...
BobTheEmuKing ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:50:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!' Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows aย little more about fighting thanย youย do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor! Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a ZOO!
Unless It's a farm
Blasterus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:41 on August 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bangs shovel against head
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR
Megatron_McLargeHuge ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:19:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a chameleon at the zoo the other day. It was a shit chameleon.
VaderFan2187 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
???
7in7 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:16:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If he saw the chameleon, then it wasn't camouflage like it's supposed to be.
If you upvote his joke, it will be a karma chameleon
VaderFan2187 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooh, I get it now. The chameleon was made of poop!
TheKlic ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:47:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A shih tzu's a shit zoo.
continew ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:51:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Since shih tzu means lion in Chinese, I got so confused by this joke.
JacketJack ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:43:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It isn't lol its Shi zi in Mandarin and See Zi in canto (inaccurate spelling im just imitating the sound)
Also Tzu is not an existing sound in both Canto and Mandarin.
source: Am Chinese
continew ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess who's this? Sun Tzu
And this
JacketJack ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:52:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
translate it to chinese and have it read out aloud.
The closest sound to Tzu in Chinese is Zhu (which is not tzu)
continew ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:56:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could you please read the wikipedia I linked?
JacketJack ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:00:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
just did. Sun Tzu is a written transcription, you'll never have to read it out loud. People either transcript him as Sลซnzว or Syลซn-jรญ for spoken Chinese.
Or maybe you learn spoken Chinese from written transcriptions lol
continew ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 03:08:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe I'm a native speaker for 20+ years?
Why are you so butt-hurt? That's just to help English speaking people to pronounce it. It's difficult for them to pronounce based on zi, just like people write sichuan sause as szechuan sauce, qingdao as tsingtao, etc.
JacketJack ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
btw if you're a native speaker why would you be confused by transcriptions made for non-native speakers?
JacketJack ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you're the one with a sarcastic tone with all of your comments and I'm the one who's butthurt? Sure.
You don't translate Zi -> Tzu, just like you don't translate Sichuan to Szuchuan.
JacketJack ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:03:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hand "Sun Tzu" to any Chinese and let them read it. They probably need at least a few guesses to figure out its ๅญซๅญ you're talking about.
continew ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta be reeaalll fun at parties.
techguy1231 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:41:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, youโre just wrong.
jcaboche ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:09:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The more you know!
wackylemonhello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is my favorite
VaderFan2187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:20:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't, I'm dying lmfao
jeff_the_weatherman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, I groaned. Take your upvote
stellar14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant ๐๐
InkMercenary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Codsworth?"
vladimir_lem0n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/ShaggyDogStories/comments/6umx2o/the_renfield_zoo/
Malcopticon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
See also: The time Lou Reed and his wife put on a concert for dogs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxiAe3ULuxI
ThatTysonKid ยท 17837 points ยท Posted at 22:14:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
simeonthesimian ยท 3719 points ยท Posted at 00:28:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a man. Cannibal 1 is working on the shoulder, but Cannibal 2 has already gotten to the stomach.
Cannibal 1: "I'm glad you're enjoying dinner!"
Cannibal 2: "Oh yeah! I'm having a ball!"
Cannibal 1: "Don't eat so fast!"
theblackestelvis ยท 1274 points ยท Posted at 01:05:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says "does this taste funny?"
Mossburg325 ยท 2503 points ยท Posted at 01:12:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says โI think we got this joke wrong.โ
amnonymous ยท 301 points ยท Posted at 02:01:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was Maximus mad when a cannibal ate his wife?
Nope. He's gladiator.
Notben5 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:55:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped
jetpacksforall ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 02:27:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get the fuck out.
daaniloviici ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:25:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get and feel like an idiot.
enliderlighankat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:28:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He is glad-he-ate-her.
(glad 'e ate 'er)
daaniloviici ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:41:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omfg.
Zoefschildpad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:08:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read it as glad I ate her.
kiradotee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:51 on June 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looool
punchin_mr_clown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:21 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair in his teeth? Gladiator
kosmic_kolossos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, I came up with this joke when I was a kid...turns out I'm not that original.
fellintoadogehole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
god dammit
flubba86 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:29:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating grass in a field. The first clown looks to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong.", The second clown startles and exclaims "Fuck'n hell! A talking clown?!".
udontnomeneway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best! Iโm using it IRL! Someone has got to get it besides us!
flubba86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:04:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It really only works if you know the original joke.
udontnomeneway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:16:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a mash up of a couple of jokes, which is the joke. Annnddd now Iโve said joke so much the word doesnโt sound right.
2Hours2Late ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 01:53:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the first thing a cannibal does after they dump their spouse?
Wipe.
Dylan8932 ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 01:48:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Chinese men are eating a half-cooked egg. One turns to the other and says "I think we got the yolk, wong."
SayGdayToBruceBruce ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 02:16:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two yolks are eating a Chinese man. One turns to the other and says "Aaaaand scene."
NedDasty ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:36:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two chinese foods are scening an eat. One says "turns to and " the other yolks when "the.
Giomietris ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:21:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gawd damn gold less than 5 mins after posting.
Admiral_Narcissus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:31:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Chinese people are eating.
LiquidSpringChamps ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:45:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Ethiopians are eating.
Dylan8932 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No they aren't.
cactuscuddles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fine...โrunning.โ
lifeguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the joke
Esoteric_Erric ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:24:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two eggs and two sausages are in a frying pan.
One sausage turns to the other and says โfucking hot in here isnโt it.โ
And one egg turns to the other and says โLook at that ! A talking sausage!โ
dRapper_Dayum ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Boooo
BenjaminGeiger ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:17:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says "what is this, some kind of a joke?"
stoprockandrollkids ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 01:53:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?" The other responds "Nope".
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 01:47:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the other responds "You'll float too!"
SaltMineForeman ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:48:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop it.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:52:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
Edit: Wฬออกฬฬอฬอฬผฬฅฬงฬญฬขeอฬพออฬฬฬอฬฬปฬฬงอฬกฬด aออฬฬอฬฬฬนฬฬฬคฬชฬธlอออ ฬฬฬฬฬฬฬณฬฎอขฬฉอฬกฬธlฬฬออฬฬญออฬฐฬฬซฬงฬข fฬอฬ อฬฬฐฬณฬญอฬฏฬคฬฅฬฐฬฌlออฬออฬฬฅออขฬอฬฬฐoฬฬพฬ อฬฬฬฝฬฬฌอฬกอฬฅฬ ฬถaฬ ฬอ ฬฬฟอกฬฬฬฆฬฌออฬฬงฬถtออฬออออฬผฬอฬปฬบฬฆฬต dออออออฬฬอ ฬฒอฬฆอoอฬออฬออฬอออฬอฬฬฎฬชฬดwฬอฬฬฬฬฬฬฬฟอกฬปฬขออฬขnฬฬ ฬอฬอ ฬอออขฬผออขฬนฬคฬถ hฬฬฬอฬฬฬฬฬฑฬอฬฐฬฎฬฬออฬจeอ ฬอฬฬฬฬอฬชฬนฬญฬฅฬฒฬปอขฬซฬทrฬอฬออฬณฬผฬนฬฐฬผฬตeฬฬอฬฝออฬ ฬฬพฬฉฬซฬซอฬ
CLearyMcCarthy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:57:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Came in to post this.
udontnomeneway ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:45:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too! Laffy Taffy had the best jokes!
theforkofdamocles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:22:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
During dinner, one cannibal sees the guy next to him looking despondent. The guy makes a deep sigh and the first cannibal says to him, โWhat's wrong, Phil?โ Phil answers, โI hate my mother-in-law.โ The first cannibal replies, โWell try the potatoes.โ
TediousCompanion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
Thelivingweasel ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Under appreciated comment of the year
_AppropriateUsername ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 01:20:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was only posted 1 minute before your reply.
MetaTater ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 01:23:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
^ Appropriate Username
GoldenStateCapital ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:24:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
_AppropriateUsername
FTFY
andndmkslalxlx ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:36:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*2
Totherphoenix ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 01:29:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop with these stupid comments please
They are pointless
Just upvote
TheCrakp0t ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:48:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Uh, these stupid comments are half the point of reddit.
rotund_tractor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:11:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. The Reddiquette says these kinds of comments are to be avoided. The Reddiquette was written by the people who created reddit. Ergo, they are absolutely not any part of the point of reddit.
They are popular on reddit, but thatโs an entirely different thing. The point is decided by the creators. The use is decided by the user.
Pop_Dop ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:39:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My God, people must be lining up to be your friend
Esoteric_Erric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah
TheCrakp0t ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:20:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In what way was the original comment against reddiquette?
udontnomeneway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup
tweeblethescientist ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:38:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop with this stupid comment please
It's just mean
Move on
Batchet ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:50:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop
In the name of love
...
...
...
Continue
FLABCAKE ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:03:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once more in the name of Love!
AutoMoberater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's new to me!
Joshchamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me laugh way harder than all the other ones! Cracking up here.
iiSystematic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
giggled
ch1burashka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm keeping that one.
mecharedneck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goddammit. I thought I made that joke up.
holjol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That image is too horrendous for words ๐ซ
Bob_D0bbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
wiped his ass.
Grazfather ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:20:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibal friends are eating dinner
Cannibal 1: "I hate my wife".
Cannibal 2: "Then have some potatoes"
Shadowthief150 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:33:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One says "does this taste funny?"
"No."
pialligo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:01:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
LordOfDaZombiez ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I miss Robin Williams. :/
FoznorLB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny?" "No"
MadMrCrazy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:17:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a distasteful joke
TaintStubble ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:34:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?" The second one replies "no."
VaderFan2187 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:19:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oooooh there it is
coopertucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the other says "no".
il_con ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โFunny how?โ
_first_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do cannibals call eating a clown? A happy meal.
What do cannibals eat as dessert? People with type 2 diabetes.
t-b0ne_pickens ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 01:13:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cannibal was on his way to the bathroom when he passed his brother.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:59:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
______DEADPOOL______ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:17:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"THIS JUST IN! DISNEY IS DISHING OUT PENIS JOKES AT WDW. IS YOUR CHILD IN DANGER? WHERE IS HE NOW? REPORT AT 11."
batduq ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shortly after seeing THE BACK SIDE OF WATER?
diboox ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:51:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cannibal threw up his hands in disgust.
bobby3eb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:54:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh, this is super clever
skelebone ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:21:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cannibal was having dinner with his siblings and said, "It's too bad none of you have a daughter, this dish could use anise."
silliputti0907 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:03:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do not get it.
If_In_Doubt_Lick_It ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:06:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Having a ball: having fun.
Having a ball: eating Human Plums.
Neptaliuss ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:14:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got that far, but why would the eating balls prompt the other cannibal to tell him to slow down?
KillKiddo ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:17:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because he was eating the stomach just moments ago. C'mon, keep up Nep.
tmoney144 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 01:29:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I think the joke would be better thusly:
Two cannibals are eating a man. Cannibal 1 turns to Cannibal 2 and says:
Cannibal 1: "I'm glad you're enjoying dinner!"
Cannibal 2: "Oh yeah! I'm having a ball!"
Cannibal 1: "Hey! Save one for me!"
derekd2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is wrong with you?
silverbean ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:57:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that got a hearty chuckle out of me
PardonedTurkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:28:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An earful!
Deathlord291 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?" The other cannibal replies, "Nah, not at all"
captainsquawks ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:21:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the true test of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blow job
Prankster-Natra ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 01:02:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his ass
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:34:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Prankster-Natra ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:56:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How wonderful for you
Lord_Rainbowman ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:18:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a cannibal call a pregnant women? A Kinder Surprise.
StretchyMcStretcher ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 00:28:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The thing about that joke is that the phrase "the cold shoulder" literally originates with people showing up late for dinner and getting cold beef shoulder. Which makes it slightly less funny, but also gives it a sort of odd circular quality that's hilarious in a way that I can't quite put my finger on.
snkn179 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:00:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Searched it up and apparently that's a myth
chops51991 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:51:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Booooooooooo, this fact is not fun
snkn179 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well it makes the joke fun again then :)
StretchyMcStretcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. I guess I'll avoid repeating that one in the future. Good to know!
mt_yermomalot ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:46:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
cannibals aren't bad, they're just fed up with people
Misfit_Cannibal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's why I'm always first to the table
TotallyNotAVole ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:40:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Cannibals are eating dinner and one says "I don't like my mother in law at all." The other replies "Well then, just eat your rice."
skylinepidgin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:23:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the undertaker say to the other undertaker after a long day at work?
"Let's grab a cold one."
gritd2 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:46:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He said "why the fuck did you allow me to be thrown 16 feet down off the cage on to an announcers table! " a little while later, he stopped seeing and talking to himself.
shaftinferno ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:31:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you find in a cannibal's shower?
Head and shoulders.
therealweslar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are cannibals keeping their leftovers in the shower?
albyagolfer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:45:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
He got dick.
darkstarohio ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:34:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One cannibal says to the other: "I hate my mother in law's guts."
The other says, "That's ok. Leave them on the side of your plate and I'll eat them later."
TheArmchairSkeptic ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:41:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When do cannibals leave the dinner table?
Once everyone's eaten.
ImPlayingTheSims ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:07:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. The first cannibal stops chewing and says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
ThrobbingHardLogic ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:23:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One cannibal asks the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other replies "No."
mdmefactor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhhhh snap
JustANyanCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"She's rather tasteless actually."
gritd2 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:44:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
..it kinda smells like bad fish though.
Keanu_Isnt_Reeves ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vsauce
blackcatlady927 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read this too fast... Thought it said cannonball.... Immediately confused lolol
Union_of_Onion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.
FuckTimBeck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:23:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs not how it goes itโs like โwhy did the canibal who was late for dinner think his wife was mad at him? She gave him the cold shoulderโ
reed99456 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I audibly groaned
GueroTrueno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's mine!
jackandjill22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
Frugras ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Left Oavries?
audio_pusher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had this on a math worksheet 4 years ago
virtualrift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, Vsauce, Micheal here!
Bambarilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do with its girlfriend?
He dumped her.
theravensrequiem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was so confused because I was reading these all as cannonball. Jesus Christ, its time for bed.
furmanchu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
The_keg__man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 cannibals are sitting next to a fire
"Im a vegetarian"
"WHAT?! But we just ate that guy"
"Yeah, but he was a swede."
Might only work in Britain.
riotgirlckb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:34:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals in a 69
alexschubs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man. This is a really, really good joke.
spooooon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:58 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods?
themaskedserpent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this is what reddit gives me today? sigh
Oneto3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read this as "What did the cannonball...." Four times.. Four effing times before I realized it was cannibal. Time for bed.
JohnMcHarrstarr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Left-toe-vers
stellar14 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:34:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haaaaaaahah ๐
martydolan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:20:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass
Steveoh97 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:42:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs awesome lol.Just told that to my dad and he laughed for a good 5 minutes
TwizzleV ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:18:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cannibal was walking in the woods and passed his brother.
scotch_dick ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:22:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms
swappyswap ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:25:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read โcannon ballโ and was very confused
bahhamburger ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:30:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Giving someone the โcold shoulderโ actually referred to feeding uninvited/unwanted dinner guests the worst piece of meat. So youโre spot on.
RackDisipline ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this as cannonball at first
meglangton ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do when he dumped his wife?
Wiped his ass
Chicken_Giblets ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:16:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his ass
BenIsaac1997 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:43:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass
budlight2k ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:24:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
Call-Me-Ishmael ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 01:41:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
evan3638 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:31:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
RacingNeilo ยท 172 points ยท Posted at 01:09:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know the reason why the Sweedish navy has barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandanavian.
ohheykare ยท 2194 points ยท Posted at 22:29:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โDid you know diarrhea is genetic?โ
Person: โno?โ
โYeah, it runs in your jeansโ
Frosti-Feet ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:35:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely one of my favorites.
thepilatesnewbie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:14:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only one in this thread that got my husband laughing ๐
LordGwyn-n-Tonic ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:59:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐ถBAD JOKES LORD I LOVE EM๐ถ
Thubanshee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:49:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You should say hereditary instead of genetic, this way it kind of introduces the punchline too early
sorry for killing the fun. excuse: am German
Whoopdedobasil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:31:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mum always used this one and says hereditary, its a classic
leofwing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jeanetic?
SavageTimmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have diarrehhaof now, and I approve this message
jeff_the_weatherman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:44:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol this is the best one
Byizo ยท 10091 points ยท Posted at 20:48:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
They inevitably answer "ARRRR"
Then you reply (in a piratey voice) "No, me first love be the C!"
spidaminida ยท 3669 points ยท Posted at 23:02:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir, we have record of your illegal downloading activity...
ThaJarseff ยท 839 points ยท Posted at 00:25:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya wouldn't download yer booty
Jonny_EP3 ยท 148 points ยท Posted at 01:31:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the contrary, I have around 1TB of pretty much only booty.
_PM_ME_YOUR_ELBOWS ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:44:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's... A lot.
jem_and_the_holodeck ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:03:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, 6TB is a lot. Just ask my ex.
Mr_Evil_Guy ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:14:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4K VR porn really eats up the hard drive space
jem_and_the_holodeck ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:16:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clarification: he had 6TB in 2008, before 4K. Quite an impressive curation really.
Edit: just so everyone's on the same page with what kind of guy this is, his mom still Nairs his back, he was bald at 26, he wouldn't move because he bought a WWE game instead of a plane ticket, he's an aspiring white Facebook rapper (yep, not even good enough for a SoundCloud) whose favorite musician is Everlast AND to top it all off, he tried to propose to me after 3 weeks with a $59 ring he bought on sale at WalMart. Funny enough, he wouldn't take no for an answer when I repeatedly tried to dump him.
Mr_Evil_Guy ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:21:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to call that an accomplishment, maybe noteworthy is what I'm looking for.
tjonnyc999 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:25:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I just powerslide sideways into this discussion and say I love your username? Cool, thanks. slides out
kasirate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:25 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did you two meet?
petscii ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:21:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thanks, that's a plethora
alltiredout ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:11:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
railmaniac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You'd think.
MiddleBodyInjury ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:57:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thicc
ThaJarseff ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:23:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Yarr, they say his plunder was so vast, that merely the folder labelled Butt Stuff were enough to fill the hard drive of even the lustiest sea dog. Such was the infamous Pirate Jonny_EP3, him what spent a lifetime trolling the deepest darkest depths in search of the finest pleasures any man ever laid eyes on. Some say he be out there still today..."
tjonnyc999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1 terabooty?
Katman666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:14:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amateur.
MemeInBlack ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:55:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ye wouldn't download yer poopdeck..
lordg52 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:01:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Piracy be stealing, matey
ThaJarseff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But what piracy ... Is. What the Black Pearl .... REALLY. Is... Is freedom...
ThaJarseff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yarrr, pardon me cap'n, just gotta go download me poopdeck.
ju5tanotherthrowaway ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:26:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why download my own booty when I can download a million better ones!
ThaJarseff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ayyy
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:34:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just downloaded Black Beards Booty.
That movie wasn't even about pirates :(
Alcohorse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why would you even download booty when there's so many tube sites
ThaJarseff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rainy days without WiFi? Who knows
end_all_be_all ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A copyright infringement law suit
muirnoire ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:12:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Finally, a funny joke in this thread.
Argosy37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Literally the first joke in this thread that I actually found funny.
ch1burashka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some dude gets gold for a tired rehash, and yet here you sit without plunder...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
93 terrabytes of paid Star Wars videos.
MistahGreeby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's great!
heartfelt24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I probably owe more than the American economy, then. Sue me.
Xyon_Peculiar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happened to an old buddy of mine... He's dead now. Died of AIDS after being repeatedly raped in the shower by multiple black guys in prison after being sent there for piracy.
Jk! That's just from a funny movie I made up! Guess what it's rated...
bluesox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PG-13
Xyon_Peculiar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:07:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're supposed to say it in a pirate voice!
Prometheusmfd ยท 2901 points ยท Posted at 21:49:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one and use it all the time at work. Eventually, people would try and say the ounchline to get me to stop making the joke. I would just nod and say in my most pirate voice, "Aye."
xking23 ยท 2641 points ยท Posted at 22:14:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite ending is "the letter p, without it they'd be irate. "
mmmaddox ยท 870 points ยท Posted at 23:41:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is โP... itโs like an arrrr, with but one legโ
Said in pirate voice, of course.
MagicallyVermicious ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 00:36:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is so freaking versatile.
UpvoteForPancakes ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:28:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirates favorite letter?
Arrrr?
I.
I?
Aye.
Ninjamin_King ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:05:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And without the P he'd be irate.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been reading ALL these pirate jokes in pirate voice.
sweetpotato37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a while to work this one out.
daredaki-sama ยท 530 points ยท Posted at 23:26:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like that's something I'd think of in the shower the next morning.
UiiN ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:44:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah... The classic L'esprit de l'escalier
Theย predicamentย of thinking of the perfectย replyย too late.
jeb99999 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:29:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah? Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!
havron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:49:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wisdom of the staircase.
Probably my favorite foreign phrase.
gremah93 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:13:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/showerthoughts
kwhateverdude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol so true
tjonnyc999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You think of one-legged pirates in the shower? Damn that's weird.
pruwyben ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:50:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I say it's X. That's why they always put it on their treasure maps.
lollipop_king ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:52:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"P! It's like an R, but with one leg cut off!"
PlacidPlatypus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:40:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's nice because if someone ever guesses the punchline you can just rotate to the next one.
SOwED ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:28:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does the irate pirate say?
"Look at me. I am de captain now."
PTech_J ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love how many answers there are. If they think they know what it is, just pull out a different one.
FeldsparJockey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
P is also R without a leg...
TheIrateGlaswegian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aye, tell me about it >:(
lordover123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like that there's 4 different punchlines for this joke
Diesel_Daddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
P, because that fucking R still has two legs!
Ninjamin_King ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Without the P he'd be irate.
hpw1907 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Irate is one of those words I've read in books but never heard out loud..
BrokenLemonade ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:46:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best alphabet joke.
DogLuvr3000 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:47:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anybody beats me to the punchline of the joke, I turn it around on them.
โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite letter?โ deep sigh โItโs C.โ โMatey, this pirateโs favorite letter be U.โ
And then they get all flattered.
BawbtheGoat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:35:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's some good scrumpy
my_meat_is_grass_fed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:54:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd walk away, shaking my head and humming "Brandy." Then I wouldn't be sure if I should love or hate you for the rest of the day.
Prometheusmfd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thats pretty much the staff of the last three stores I worked at.
amgoingtohell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found David Brent
Chickachic-aaaaahhh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steve the pirate, how you been!!!
BraaainFud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Judging by your username, methinks ye have had Cabin Fever
sbarrios ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, it's I?
xRyozuo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโd be great if you updated the joke. By the time they are correcting you with C, go with the other guys suggestion (P irate) and so on
Prometheusmfd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have been. It's all done in the order I've learned each joke, and will ad "P" into the routine.
HeyImFUCKYOU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:34 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You'd think it be R but tis the C
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Prometheusmfd ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:45:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No Part of my enjoyment is people's attempts to sabotage this joke.
Darthaggro ยท 1253 points ยท Posted at 22:21:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said this to one of my dumber co-workers back in the day and he retorts with "Wouldn't it be X because it marks buried treasure?"
I had to sit down for a bit, I've been duped.
*Edit for spelling
CaptainObvious1906 ยท 210 points ยท Posted at 23:47:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
duped, and yeah I guess you have
yoshidawgz ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:03:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya double dog dooped him with that one
Markantilism ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:05:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bazinga
Darthaggro ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:51:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, can't spell when I recollect such tragic memories.
fullalcoholiccircle ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 03:07:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said this to one of my dumber co-workers back in the day and he retorts with "wouldn't it be X because it marks buried treasure?"
I had to sit down for a bit, I've duped dooped.
MemeInBlack ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:54:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The genius here is that all the answers work, so that nobody can ever guess correctly.
Dartmuthia ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:19:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We need to make a chart of why each letter could reasonably be the answer
PPOKEZ ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 07:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A, because without it theyโd just be a pirte
B, is like R but more scurvy
C, my first love is the C
D, it doubles as an eye patch
E, because Iโm a pirate and just happen to have that preference.
F, I changed my mind I like F better, what?
G, Iโm done with this
H, seriously get off my boat
I, look it was a funny joke
J, but itโs really being overdone
K, to the point where Iโm losing
L, ...
M, ...
N, this is for that fucking chart your making isnโt it
O, as if one day youโll blow everyoneโs mind
P, with some unlikely letter theyโve never heard before
Q, real funny
R, weโll guess what? Yeah, it actually is R. So here we Arrrrr...get it??
S, you couldnโt let pirates have one simple obvious letter without โmaking it funnyโ?
T, ooo, ooo, letโs see, ummm itโs like walking a plank from above (offensive actually)
U, itโs like the tuning fork I use to start off all our sea shanties which you donโt know because you never come to my parties
V, my family died of plague, funny right? I miss them constantly
W, actually resembles a novel topside fitting I hold several patents on...you didnโt think I was going to say that, did you?
X, my children played tic-tac-toe before all seven succumbed. I was always X. Thanks for bringing it up.
Y, a river and her tributaries are always good land references from afar. We all might as well learn something.
Z, dies from untreated liver disease
Budgiesaurus ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:50:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
P could work. Without it he's irate.
5haitaan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:18:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for effort
WinterOfFire ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:38:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did that to my dad once. He worked at IBM and it was the 90s. Told me the joke โwhatโs the difference between Jurassic Park and IBMโ. The original punchline was โJurassic Park has more bitesโ. Being a kid I replied โJurassic Park has electric fencesโ
My dad loved that more and told it around work.
newmug ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:28:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was a DUMB co-worker? Do you work at Mensa?
Darthaggro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it was a local grocery store.
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(pats Darthaggro on the back and slides him a beer)
rik4lea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:41:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate born on this day in 1938 say to his friend?
Arrr matey.
Thesecondcomingof ยท 198 points ยท Posted at 22:07:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Used this on my grumpy girlfriend a few hours ago. She couldn't help but crack a huge smile and tell me to shut up.
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 1516 points ยท Posted at 21:57:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
ARRRR
What's a pirate favorite school subject?
Arrrrrrrrt
What's a pirate's favorite knitting style?
Arrrrrrrrgile
What's a pirate's favorite element?
Arrrrrrgon?
No, gold.
Redebo ยท 892 points ยท Posted at 22:29:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a hard time thinking someone is going to guess Argon even with the obvious Arrrrr pun.
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 600 points ยท Posted at 22:30:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a chemistry major and all my friends are nerds, so that's probably why this one works for me.
Redebo ยท 817 points ยท Posted at 22:47:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
YankDownUnder ยท 565 points ยท Posted at 23:46:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If your chemistry joke involves noble gasses then don't expect a reaction.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:30:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I slapped my neon that one
I_just_made ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:15:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... nice.
Doom_Shark ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:33:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A gold atom leaves a bar. The bartender realizes the gold atom forgot to pay and runs out shouting, "Au!"
solidspacedragon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:43:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would one-up you, but NA, I couldn't deal with the salt.
YankDownUnder ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:50:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
solidspacedragon ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:53:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So you're saying I'm a solid dude?
I guess that means I'm pretty cool.
YankDownUnder ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:52:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cool? You're 0K I guess.
solidspacedragon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:24:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, sorry for being so condenseate.
Sorry, that was a bad pun.
Bruinsfan84 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I make really bad chemistry puns...but only periodically.
ax0r ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:38:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your joke wasn't Boron, and definitely not a Carbon copy. In fact, it was Gold, though I say that with Tungsten cheek.
Now you must Cesium and desist.
noodledense ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:49:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Giving "comedy" the old chemist try, I see.
TheWellKnownLegend ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:24:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
BRAVO.
Rising_Swell ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:11:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Barium considered the morticians element? Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium!
a_unique__username_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:42:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to is What happened when the king farted? Nothing, noble gases don't cause reactions.
pizza_engineer ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:52:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two students walk into a bar.
Chemistry major orders H2O. Business major says "I'll have H2O, too." They toast & chug.
Business major dies.
justclay ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe they should barium
Spread_Liberally ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:07:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If only it worked on MBAs...
dilxoxoxlib ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:51:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Johnny was a chemist, But Johnny is no more. What Johnny thought was H2O Was H2SO4.
GD_Sytonix ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:59:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was gold
frissonic ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 23:57:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Au. That's a cute answer.
JoshH21 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:09:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Na, it wasn't really
havoc_mayhem ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:01:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
K, that's your opinion.
frissonic ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:42:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
U sure about that?
sofinho1980 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He said it, must be true.
Dankyness ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:17:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No it was Argon
doyoudovoodoo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:14:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We need to take this guy out back and Barium
bobk2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:28:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lithium alone!
Hyndergogen1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:17:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A neutron floats into a bar, asks for a beer and reaches for his wallet, the bartender says "For you, no charge".
Allvah2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:19:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how you dispose of a chemist's body?
You barium.
spoopy_elliot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just like my will to live
Secret_Owl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:16:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At the Chemistry Hotel we have free breakfast and you'll love our nitrates!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:53:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cannot wait to use this on my chemist boyfriend tonight. My dad jokes are already legendary.
tantananantanan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a Warframe player and Argon is so god damn hard to farm sometimes, so that's probably why this one works for me.
Jacksonteague ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:45:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife who isnโt a science geek said ARRRRRsenic!
IcarusBen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:14:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just tested it. Everyone I tried guessed Argon.
gvdj ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:26:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And that's if they even get past Argile
SoonerBeerSnob ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:00:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard sequence and the end as What does a pirate drive? They say "a carrrrrrrrr" No a ship stupid.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just tested this on the gf and she actually guessed argon, I canโt believe it worked
csreid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:27:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's okay even if they say they don't know. It still breaks the pattern and works as an antijoke. Kinda like a clever version of "you put roast in a roaster, what do you put in a toaster?"
Arc_Nexus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Carrrrrrrbon
kwhateverdude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:06:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or argile! That's...advanced for a pirate joke
mrollins42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they answer 'Gold,' that's when you say 'Arrrgon'!
dr1fter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:28:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just told these to my wife. I really paused and leaned in and waited for her to give up on each one, and by the end she in fact guessed argon. Have a little faith in humanity.
MissBazinga ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just did this one tonight, can confirm they guessed argon ๐
CMD2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My husband just did!
mapleflavouredmoose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:32:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first person I told it to said "argon."
But he's a chemist.
sofinho1980 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not very noble of you...
KindaSad24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:06:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worked for me lmao
SpaceBotany ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:54:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can swap out "favorite element" with "favorite branch of the military". They'll likely say "Arrrrrrmy" and then you get to respond "No, the navy."
Bobjohndud ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 22:20:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
aurrrrrrrrrrum
Movpasd ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:50:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha nice
SheeEttin ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know ents were pirates
TheTeaSpoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:08:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arrrrgentinum in the poorer regions
protokhan ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:02:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
Arrrrrrrmy?
No, the navy! Pirates are seafaring people.
SOwED ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:27:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's their least favorite...they're the ones who attack pirates.
protokhan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:32:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, good point.
ThatWasFred ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:31:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like following up a punch of pirate jokes with "What's a pirate's favorite vehicle?" When they inevitably answer "A carrrrrrr," I say "No, it's a pirate ship of course!"
Martin_Vs_Hacker ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:58:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what does a pirate from Boston say? AAAAAAAAHHH!
Axxalon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:25:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine ends with
โAnd whatโs a pirateโs favorite restaurant?โ
โArrrbyโs?โ
โNo. Long John Silverโs.โ
TimonAndPumbaAreDead ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:16:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You really need to see Paul and Storm perform The Captain's Wife's Lament.
TwistedEthernet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh thank god, I was worried I wouldn't see anyone mention Paul and Storm on this thread.
The-Syldon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:06:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You missed - What is a pirate's least favourite letter - "dear sir, you have exceeded your broadband data usage, and as such we will be restricting your internet."
loochie_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:40:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do pirates knit with?
Yaaaaarrrrrrrn
__celli ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately I donโt know many individuals who would reply with argon. Theyโd just scratch their head and go โuhhhh what are the elements againโ
theodore_boozevelt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:44:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I'm a high school teacher. Gonna use this with my students AND fellow teachers tomorrow!
ReverbCity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirates favorite mode of transport?
Caaaaaaarrrrr
No, a ship
we-have-to-go ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
False a true pirates favorite letter is the โcโ
NotAnAnticline ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:10:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?
Arrrrbees!
redggit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Au
ThatsWhatSheaSaid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirateโs favorite sock pattern: Arrrrrrrgyle
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pirates pirates? 'Cause they arrrrrrrre
righteousmoss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...what's a pirates favorite mode of transportation.
They inevitably say "caaaaaaaarrrrr"
To which you respond "no, a pirate ship you dummy"
mvaneerde ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arrrrrgyle*
lambdaknight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirateโs favorite branch of the military?
Arrrmy.
No, the Navy. Why would it be the army?
Snatchl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirates favorite Bond Villain?
Arrrric Goldfingarrrrr
Morningxafter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:47:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
Arrrrrrby's?
T'would think so, but actually it's Long John Silver's.
uhmhi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Favorite branch of military?
Arrrrrrmy?
No, the navy.
chuiu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta save the favorite letter one for last. Then when you get to it you say "I bet you be thinking it'd be ARRRR, but tis the C they love".
-ShortReply- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love doing this but have the last joke be: What's a pirate's favorite branch of military?
"The Arrrrrrrrrrmy?"
No... the Navy.
RX_queen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ayeee, you'd think so matey, but the pirate's real true love is the C.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirateโs favorite piece of furniture?
ARRRmchair.
I would also accept ARRRmoir or ARRRRttoman.
Captain_d00m ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?
Because he got lost at C!
Jegeru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ye think a pirates favorite letter be R, but it be the C they love
jerrygergichsmith ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just got my girlfriend with this one, thank you!!
TimDuncanIsInnocent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always like flipping these.
What kind of a vehicle does a pirate drive?
(They roll their eyes and say โcarrrrโ and give you a srsly look.)
NO ITโS AN ESSSSS YOUUUUU VEEEEEE!!! (said in thick pirate accent.)
Theyโre like wtf???
Then you go, what rated movies do pirates like?
They start to say arrrrr.
Interrupt them with PEEE GEEEE THIRRRRRTEEEEN!!!
Then they just lose it every time.
AHungryFalcon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:49:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hold on, you like most people think that a pirateโs favorite letter is ARRR, but a pirateโs true love is the โCโ
supermr34 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:55:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
not CAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRbon?
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one to make me laugh out loud.
supermr34 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:27 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
then youโre really gonna like my second choice, pyrite.
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:04 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's clever.
NSA_Chatbot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
The Arrrrrrmy?
No, it's the Navy.
SicilianFork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Au.
TealSwinglineStapler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:43:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I end with what branch of the military did the pirate join? Everyone says Arrrrrrrrrrrrmy and I say no, the Navy. They're sailors.
Andy_Glib ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite vehicle?
Carrrrr?
No... A pirate ship....
leeisawesome ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirates favourite section of the armed forces?
Eerrr... Oh! The Arrrrrrrmy
No dickhead, the navy.
someredditorguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation?
Carrrrrrr
No, a boat.
repeatedly_banned ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:50:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the pirate hide his gold?
In the Aaaaarm pit.
friedchocolate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:55:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite planet?
Marrrs
Where does a pirate get his drinks
At the barrrr
Where does a pirate keep his pickles?
In a jarrrr
This is very important: How does a pirate get around?
In a carrr
Nope in a pirate ship
SpudsMcKensey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite vegetable?
Aaaaartichoke?
No, brocolli.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!
banana-pudding ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i d like to give you rrrreddit arrrrgon now
Slanderous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:08:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you can also go with
What's a pirate's favourite branch of the armed forces? The Arrrrrrmy?
No, the Navy obviously.
MDCarroll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:56:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates favorite place to eat? Aaaaaarby's
Jesterfest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:08:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I go with the last one being "What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?"
The answer I normally get are Arrrrrby's or Harrrrdies.
No. It be Long John Silver's
slugworth1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirates favorite leafy green vegetable?
Arrrrrrugula
genesisx5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:07:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arrrgentum? http://www.dictionary.com/browse/argentum
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:32:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's their second favorite.
cyberpc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no gold, just downvote
Herohalv4 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 22:53:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if they answer R then say C
If they answer C then say Aye / I
If they answer I then say P (Irate)
if they say P then say say one of the above.
IllustriousMouse ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:01:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they guess all of those use X.
And if you run out of ideas just say a random letter with a straight face and walk away.
mattXIX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or throw them off and say most pirates were illiterate.
WVBotanist ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:28:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite, dumbest pirate joke:
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY!
QuadCannon ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:41:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
See the one I heard was โNo, P! Itโs like R but with one leg!
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:08:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a working pirate fear the most?
His annual review with H-RRRRRRR.
hairyasstruman ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:03:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly, what be a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
They'll probably say ARRRBYS.
Actually it's Long John Silvers.
tpmurray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How I Met Your Mother!
yougotyolks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say when he was asked why there was a wheel in his pants?
"I don't know but it's drivin' me nuts!"
GodMonster ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:34:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do pirates and trumpeters have in common?
They both commit murder on the high Cs.
RyanRWorrell ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:56:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorte crime?
They inevitably answer "ARRRRRSON"
Then you reply "No...piracy, obviously it's piracy."
SousSinge ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:07:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much do a pirate's earrings cost? About a buccaneer.
ZeusHatesTrees ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:54:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's P.
It's like an R but missin' a leg!
ChingChangChui ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:14:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Eyโmatey.
EliQuince ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:20:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know it as, "No, you think it's the R but it's really the C"
This actually reminds me of another joke:
"So I'm actually friends with a pirate, you know, hook for a hand, eye patch, peg-leg and I was asking him about his mishaps, like, how did you lose your leg?
Pirate: Well, I was in a shipwreck y'see, and a damn shark came right up and bit me leg off
To which I replied 'wow that's horrible! How did you get the hook?'
Pirate: I lost it while swashbuckling with another sailor
Oh jeez that's really unfortunate! So how did you lose your eye, then?
Pirate: I was trying to navigate with the Sun and a seagull shat right in me eye!
A seagull?? Surely bird poop wouldn't cause your eye to fall out
Pirate: Aye, but it was me first day with the hook!"
Davcb94 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:47:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And if they guess the letters C or R, you can say it is P because without it they are irate.
Bizchasty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
This letter is a Notice of Infringement as authorized in ยง 512(c) of the U.S. Copyright Law under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA).
lphemphill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:11:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one can also be modified for programmers (what is a pirate's favorite programming language?), because both R and C are programming languages!
Annulled-Hypothesis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or... What's a pirate's favorite crime?
โARRR-son.
No. Piracy. Duh.
AssButtFaceJones ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last year I was at Disney waiting for the bus back to my hotel, and there were two bored little kids there who had gotten pirate makeup at Pirates of the Caribbean, and one of them kept going around asking "What's a pirate's favorite letter?" and when his mom asked what, he yelled "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!". I still don't get it.
Markliebs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:37:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't a pirate ever finish the alphabet?
Because he always gets lost at C
TexasWithADollarsign ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My version of that is:
Q: Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?
A: Because they always get lost at C.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:50:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit thats good
Todd_Cross ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arr! No! It be a lett-arr from his sweethearrt!
-RedditPoster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I tried this joke, I'd sound like an autistic Jar Jar Binks.
SammyCBass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
Itโs rated โARRRโ
postboxer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On an unrelated note, a piratey voice is basically just a drawn out (west) Irish accent
clnecropolis864 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also works with "what's a pirate's favorite element?", where you can respond with either "arrrrrgon" or a deadpan "gold."
Or
"What's a pirates favorite branch of the military?", where you can answer with "The arrrrrrrmy!" or "The navy."
ZOMBiEERiC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/5CddzQHK9_k
aglobalnomad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite fast food place?
Arrrrrby's.
What's a pirate's favorite day of the week?
Thurrrrsday.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
"R"
No. "Dear Mr. Pirate, You're my favorite pirate ever."
whatlike_withacloth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirate walks into the bar with a ship's wheel on his belt buckle.
Bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's with the wheel?"
Pirate replies, "YARRR! It's drivin me nuts!"
VisualCamouflage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To err is human.
To arrr is pirate.
TeaPartyInTheGarden ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tried this with my three year old. Her answer?
H.
Iโve got nowhere to go with that.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where are your buccaneers?
Under my buckin hat
speeder61 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does it take a pirate so long to say the alphabet?
Because the spend years at C
zeroman29 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:49:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are the ten letters of the pirate alphabet?
Aye Aye, Arrr, and the seven Cs.
speelmydrink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once people start expecting that one, I like to follow up with 'A letter of marque'. Then I get to launch into a tirade about privateering until everybody gets bored.
IppeZiepe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do they call pirates "pirates"? - Because they arrrrr!
Johngdetti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
P. Itโs like R but without the peg leg
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave
Ditnoka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โPโ otherwise theyโd be irate.
djliquidvoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can also counter with: "P. Without it, they'd be irate."
NeokratosRed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
English is not my native language and I don't get it :(
BackstrokeBitch ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:00:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirates say Arrrrr a lot, pronounced like the letter R. But they are pirates and are in the ocean, also called the sea, which is pronounced like the letter C.
NeokratosRed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, it totally went over my head! Thank you!
thats4thebirds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to.
gngr_ale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a pirate say when they turn 80? iiiiโm-eighty (aye, matey)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aye matey, you may think it be the c, but me favorite letter be u ;)
nalgenefiend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"Aye matey!"
("I'm eighty")
sethhlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This movie is rated "ARRRRRRRRRRR" for lots of C-men and booty!
ILoveBonerCoozies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aye!
defacedlawngnome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
P! It's like an R but it's missin' a leg.
sonofaresiii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You might think so, but actually a pirate's favorite letter is P.
Because without a P, a pirate is just irate.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, P, because without it he'd be irate.
delusns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirateโs favorite letter?
โPโ because without it, theyโd me irate.
theoneandonlyjoe97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a pirate say on his eightieth birthday?
Arr Matey!
(Sounds better said and not written)
sub11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I also follow it up with โwithout P however they just become irateโ
hippydipster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More pirate joke.
Pirate walls into a bar. The bartender notices he has a steering wheel coming out his crotch, so he says "hey what's with the steering wheel coming out you crotch".
The pirate replies "ARRRR, it's driving me nuts!"
alabamdiego ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you teach a pirate the alphabet? Because they always stuck at C for years.
bagboyrebel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a math teacher do this joke, but instead of the machine he just shrugged and said, "no, it's L".
crappy_pirate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's not. It's "P" because it's an R with its bloody leg chopped off
Super_Saiyajin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnโt the 11 year old get into the pirate movie?
Sorry, I just feel like Iโm going to deliver it wrong, watch this.
death_by_sarcasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My nephew told me this joint a few years back when he was 5. It's been my favorite ever since.
Poultry_Sashimi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
See, you'd think so.
But without a "p", he'd be irate!
cookingisneat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or:
โThe letter P, because itโs an R without a leg!โ
TheCrabRabbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ftfy
comeatmeat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks in to a bar with a steering wheel sticking out from his crotch.
The bartender asks: โIs that a steering wheel in your pants?โ
The pirate replied: โarrrr...,sheโs drivinโ me nuts!โ
psyki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants.ย ย He asks for some rum.ย The bartender says, "Yes, but sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says, "Arr!ย ย It's driving me nuts!"
nlfo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's P, because without it, they're irate.
BlackHorse944 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my all time favorites
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works better with programming languages. R and C
GrandMoffAtreides ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always say (after they say โR?โ) โYehโd think itโd be R, but โtis the C they love.โ
yogorilla37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's P, because it's an R that's missing a leg.
lordg52 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirates favorite letter is p because without it they're irate
SisypheanBalls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does it take a pirate years to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C
HidingFromMy_Gf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer, "Ayy you'd think it'd be R, but tis the C they love" (In a piratey voice of course)
Bumblemeister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Effectively the same punchline, but my version is "Ye may think it be "R", but his first love will ever be the "C"!"
You really have to belt it out, though, like you're insulted they got it wrong.
grammaticdrownedhog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this one as "what's a pirate's favorite movie rating?", the answer being "PG13" in a piratey voice.
Urdus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Literally just tried this on my wife and she walked right into it. Thanks Pal.
akiramari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel down his pants. "What's with the steering wheel?" the bartender asks.
"Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Erglewalken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alright, let's do this right... What's a pirate's favorite letter? Many say it be "ARR", but they be dead wrong. Some say it be the "C", for every pirate is at home on the sea, but they be wrong, too. Some claim it be "X", for that marks the spot to find the booty, but every good pirate knows "G" marks the best spot, and leads to far more booty.
ProfessorGigs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And a pirate's least favorite letter?
"Dear sir/ma'am,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider."
oldyoungin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
really? this never fails?
Drando_HS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"P. Because without it, he's just irate."
ntropi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arrr ya'd think it be the C but it's the X that marrks the spot!
Everybodysbastard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice Iโll have to tell my kid this one.
pdnaylor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do pirates have take so long learning the alphabet?
Because they spend so much time at C.
dsquard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was the pirate movie rated? Arrrrr
How much do pirates pay for earrings? A buccaneer.
Artantica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No a P cause it looks like an R but it's missing a leg.
scyth3s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a pirate says long time no see, has he been on land or on water?
Ellimis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta have a better delivery than that. "Aye, ye thing it be R, but it's really the C!"
winkleberry22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you annoy a pirate?? Kick him in the arrrrrse
XinTelnixSmite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You'd think that, but it's actually 'p'
Without that their just irate.
BaffledApple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite beer?
PB-Arrrr.
ginsufish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was the pirate movie rated?
Wait for them to say ARRRRRRRR!
in best pirate voice: No, matey, PG 13. You've got to get the middle mARRRRRket.
semantics88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But without the P they would just be irate...
Almbassman ยท 238 points ยท Posted at 00:16:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive?
Their dogs hate it.
TheBlackNight456 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:50:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I blind man walks into a store and starts wildly swinging his dog around, an employee cautiously walks up to the man and asks him what he is doing.
The blind man replies "just having a look around"
NotReallyMeButClose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:30:08 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Scares the shit out of the dogs
KoodooWarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:09 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a blind skydiver know when he's three feet from the ground? The lead goes slack
-eDgAR- ยท 1045 points ยท Posted at 23:25:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A long one, but a classic:
A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didnโt much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
โWell, I donโt really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I donโt know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except aโ said the old man, and then he stopped.
โExcept what?โ asked the businessman.
โNothing, nothing,โ said the old man.
โCโmon, tell me! I need something!โ protested the businessman.โWell, sir, I donโt usually mention this, but there is the โvoodoo dildo,โโ the old man said.
โThe voodoo dildo?โ the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, โBig fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!โ
The old man said, โBut you havenโt seen what itโll do yet.โ
He pointed to a door and said โVoodoo dildo, the door.โ
The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, โVoodoo dildo, box!โ
The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.
The businessman said, โIโll take it!โ
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, โVoodoo dildo, my pussy.โ
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After heโd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said โVoodoo dildo, my pussy!โ The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing sheโd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided sheโd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much sheโd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadnโt been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldnโt stop screwing her.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, โYeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"
bwandfwakes ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 03:13:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't heard this joke since I read it on a website for jokes in about 2004. Thank you for posting this.
Kythulhu ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:14:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was the first dirty joke I remember reading online.
Peachmage ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:46:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is a russian version of this joke involving a robot named Lyolik, and a random neighbor instead of a policeman. With an extra bit at the end:
The businessman eventually came back and saw an unusually quiet neighborhood. In the middle of a road there was his neighbor with a rifle and his pants pilled down. The busunessman asked him, "what's the matter? Where's everyone?" The neighbor replied: "I have no clue where are the others. But Lyolik is HERE somewhere!"
jpterodactyl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:22:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Peachmage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:00:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That neighbor wasn't smart enough to trick anybody else into sparing himself from a robot, so he fought it back every time it tried to get him.
AntonZ1999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:43 on April 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember hearing this in elementary school... like 4th or 5th grade
eklect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:05 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blue lives matter
Youremindmeofababe ยท 880 points ยท Posted at 22:24:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Buffalo say when his son left him?
Bison
majorboardom ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:25:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
Dank-Boi69 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:56:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Buffalos son: dad I want to tell you something
Buffalo: what is it son you can tell me anything
Buffalos son: I like this girl but I also like this boy
Buffalo: well I guess I have a..... Bison
space_moron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's bi because he likes two girls...?
Dank-Boi69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:30:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Typo will fix
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:25:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta broaden the accent a bit but still entertained!
Bignicky9 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:12:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the librarian say when the conceited student left?
Bias.
mat1122 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey happy bday
mcprogrammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day!
DaniePants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day!
EpsilonGecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic. There's usually a pause before a laugh or groan in my experience
G8kpr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Mobey Dick's father's name?
Poppa Boner
giraffees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good one
XportR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a horny toad say?
โRubbit, rubbit, rubbit.โ
SayGdayToBruceBruce ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:17:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
PMMEANUMBER1-10 ยท 15597 points ยท Posted at 22:31:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat
GodMonster ยท 4938 points ยท Posted at 23:37:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why one side of the V formation that geese fly in is longer?
There are more geese on that side.
MrsMandelbrot ยท 1195 points ยท Posted at 01:26:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?
Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall over.
[deleted] ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 03:35:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm normally a pushover, but when my wife told me to stop standing like a flamingo I had to put my foot down
[deleted] ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 03:41:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bird jokes? Toucan play at that game
gsuhooligan ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 04:07:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:13:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice. I'll probably parrot that one if I can remember.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:11 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
GodMonster ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:08:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bird jokes are such a lark.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:24:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? You sure one can't peng-win you over?
GodMonster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:44:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, they're for the birds.
MrsMandelbrot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I call it Taylor Ham.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:39:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never understand it.
Daydu ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:10:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Romans nail Jesus to the cross?
Because if they didn't, he'd fall off
Suq_Madiq_Beech ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:56:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one got me good
0cean_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:35:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is this chain of comments my teppan yaki chef from monday?
Magnyus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/HS_vHnQ-KVY
Anton-LaVey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve been looking for an excuse to close this thread. That joke finally made me put my foot down.
Edit: no one gets my flamingo joke :(
MrsMandelbrot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:37:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know! I gave you an upvote fwiw.
RatchetBird ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got it!
Inactive-Iphone ยท 156 points ยท Posted at 01:41:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do geese fly south in the winter?
Walking takes too long.
GodMonster ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:02:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's even colder if they go north.
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:28:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
GodMonster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:10:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to tell my birder friends that ornitholigy is for the birds.
destynw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I also tell this to all my birder friends! I usually can't stop giggling long enough to say the whole thing though.
pawgsk ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 00:02:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/antijokes
PM_ME_UR_FINGER ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:04:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/AntiAntiJokes
pawgsk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:54:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He didnโt even lie about the wheels though.
Cyno01 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:53:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Whyd the monkey fall out of the tree?"
"Because it was dead."
"Whyd the second monkey fall out of the tree?"
"Stapled to the first monkey."
"Whyd the third monkey fall out of the tree?"
"Peer pressure."
"Whyd the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?"
"Slipped on a banana peel."
DrFalchion ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:51:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
See, I've always heard this as the first three, followed by:
"Why'd little Jimmy fall off his bike?"
"He was hit by three falling monkeys."
sharkbaitzero ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My goldfish, Goldie?
Strongbad42 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:14:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eaten by the cat
doug-e-fresh711 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:14:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My cat?
CircuitsGuy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog, Pongo?
doug-e-fresh711 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:14:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Run over by a carriage
AlwaysHopelesslyLost ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:49:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow
I was excited but all of the top posts are garbage
Not sure why the downvote, the punchlines of all of the top posts are literally all like "my life sucks please upvote!"
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:06:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this one quite a lot, I love the reactions I get.
JSRambo ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:19:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โOh fuck youโ is a pretty common response for me
daskrip ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:34:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love that this "why" double entendre (mixing up "what's the point" with "how did it happen") can be about anything but for some reason it's about geese formations.
Why do cars move so fast? If they didn't people wouldn't get where they need to go.
Why is your house so messy? Because many items are scattered around it.
But geese formations... that's such an incredibly random take on this.
HlfNlsn ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:01:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the geese thing specifically works because the question implies that there is a fun fact that most people probably donโt know. Any question can work as long as it is phrased in way that leads one to believe there is some little known fact theyโre about to learn.
Do you know the number one reason a house gets messy?
The person living there doesnโt clean it.
Belledame-sans-Serif ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:44:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great, so it's like "clickbait: the joke"?
GodMonster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You won't believe why this chicken crossed the road!
BlameItOnBlue ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 00:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am goose can confirm
GodMonster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honk?
brrrandiZZLe ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:18:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg my dad tells this joke and he said he came up with it himself. Liar.
tiger8255 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:36:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's possible he did come up with it himself. I'm sure several people have thought it up independently.
agree-with-you ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:36:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I agree, this does seem possible.
GodMonster ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:28:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I stole it from the internet.
natercbater ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:29:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The hero Reddit needs.
aaron_smash ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:21:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know researchers have found that the lead goose in a formation doesn't honk? That's because he isn't trying to pass anybody
Thistlefizz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:12:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to right here.
Irish_Samurai ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:39:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Observational humor is best humor.
cabothief ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:18:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am a STEM teacher and have started this the same as any other wisdom I usually spout off. The disappointment was real.
cdk_aegir ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:01:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
JDLovesTurk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:08:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
Melfunctional- ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:06:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
berkshire-hunt ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:17:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats red brown and sticky? Its that bloody stick again.
cdk_aegir ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:02:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive always heard this joke told as: Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Boy_Howdy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:12:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what pisses me off? Things that make me mad.
bumblyburg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:23:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Settle down Ken M.
Shayneros ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:19:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know if you were to stack elephants on top of eachother until they reached the moon they'd all die?
sirgog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:23:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Obligatory XKCD
https://what-if.xkcd.com/4/
sarah-xxx ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:06:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People call that a joke? Well... what's good for the goose is good for the gander I guess.
FredXMertz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
on the other hand, you have different fingers.
slinkenboog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is one of my all time favorite jokes. i told it on a third date, and at the end of the night she told me "we just aren't really gonna be a thing." my friends said it was because of the joke. i say it was because she was pissed off she didn't already know the joke. she had already lived 28 years without having heard the glory that is.
sixstring818 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:06:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work with a guy, and one time we passed a cemetery and he said to me "I bet I know how many dead people are in that cemetery." we all asked him how many, and he said "all of em". Stupid, but I love anti-jokes and I've used it on a few people myself
StayTheHand ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:24:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in school, we would lead off with the question, do you know why geese fly in a V formation? The freshman would then give you a long technical answer about aerodynamics to try to impress you. Then you ask them why one side of the V is longer and they stare at you, stumped. Then you deliver the punchline.
dyam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That 70โs show?
Flookerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ultimate uncle joke.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:17:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But what separates a dad joke vs an uncle joke?
Virtuoso1980 ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:36:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
shatteredarm1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:37:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An uncle joke is supposed to be inappropriate. r/unclejokes
Flookerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Idk. My lazy uncle is just the one that told me the joke haha!
CritterTeacher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every now and then I throw in something like this completely deadpan into an educational program. I get some great looks.
cweber56 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the peach crying?
It fell off its trampoline
HighPriestofShiloh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair that is probably the answer. I mean there probably isn't much more to it then that. Just dumb luck that the one side is longer than the other.
RobertFrosty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Decker, my high school history teacher, is that you??
JazzySpinalFusion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad used to tell me that as a kid and I would always just look confused.
woodshayes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather told this joke all the time. I always laughed.
OsakaWilson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read the joke right above this and it reminded me of the V formation joke, so I went immediately to Ctrl+F and searched for it. It brought me here.
Matlock77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The only one I legit lolโd at so far
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ArtyBoomshaka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:17:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's an anti-joke.
Instead of being funny by subverting your expectations with a funny twist it subverts your expectations of a funny twist with something else that makes more or less sense in the context. Doesn't work with everyone.
ArtyBoomshaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:20:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah, I first heard this joke a few days ago said by a respectable native american grandma in a movie best described as "Roger Rabbit meets Dude where's my Car meets Smoke Signals". Good times.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A shoutout to the jokes pages on Highlights Magazine.
themoistestboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:59 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha
GrandpaSteve4562 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:48:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So cost.
mschwartz33 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They could just be flying further apart with the same number.
Vakama905 ยท 197 points ยท Posted at 23:12:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am diver, can confirm.
Redditor138 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:32:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am not diver, can make assumption.
skylinepidgin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:20:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
martinsonsean1 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:45:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just out of curiosity, is there an actual reason why they start the dive by falling backwards out of the boat? Or is that just a movie thing, which I assume is real because i've never actually seen anyone dive?
GBACHO ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 00:49:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So that you don't knock the mask off of your face
MentallyWill ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:12:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or knock the regulator out of your mouth
dyyys1 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:51:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's real. You can also step forward. Falling back is nice because you can't trip, it's easier to hold the mask on your face, and the tank takes the impact on the water from a few feet up so it doesn't sting.
Theblandyman ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:31:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When learning to drive a lot of people want to jump when taking the big step off the boat. You can't jump with all the gear on so you'll hit the boat and knock your gear off or damage something. Falling backwards prevents even the thought of jumping as well.
MentallyWill ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's real. There's a few different ways to enter the water when diving and which you use most often depends on the type of boat. The main concern when entering the water is keeping the mask on your face and regulator (the breather) in your mouth -- so reducing your brunt impact on the water. From smaller boats (e.g. a dingy) falling backwards is easier than standing up and walking off the side as you're less likely to lose your balance from a wave or cause the boat to be imbalanced for others and the tank takes the brunt of the impact and the important things on your face don't. From larger boats falling of the side may not be feasible but then usually they're large enough that you can go to the edge and simply walk off the side vertically without having to worry about a wave making you fall or the like as you might worry about standing in a dingy -- again though things on your face are further from the water and less likely to be lost on entry.
outofpickles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:55:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like imagining a scuba diver doing a belly flop instead of falling backwards.
Vakama905 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like the other people have said, it makes it really easy to keep gear in place and is the easiest way to exit something like a dinghy while wearing 40ish pounds of gear.
Personally, I prefer the giant step method, which is exactly what it sounds like. You take a very large step off of a platform that's usually at or just above water level. The issue with that is that it requires you to stand and walk, which is hard to do with the aforementioned heavy gear, not to mention the large flippers attached to your feet. As a result, the giant step is usually only done from a relatively large and stable vessel, with assistance from someone who's not diving, or occasionally off of a stable platform like a dock.
fmemate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Easiest way to get in instead of waddling down a latter then having to put find on fins the water and rolling in on your back helps keep regulator and mask in place.
lnfinity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am sick of all the people who tell jokes and don't provide sources to back them up!
giantlantern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, read this in relation to the Geese comment, and was like "wtf am I not getting?". Glad to know I'm just an idiot.
skylinepidgin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am confirm, can diver
chiliedogg ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:03:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Scuba instructor here. I use this one all the time.
Mr_Poaf ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do people go to bed at night?
Because the bed wonโt come to them.
College_Debt_Is_Fun ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 23:41:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need to let this joke sink in.
N0vemberJul1et ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:02:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let it wash over you.
echo0220 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:39:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this joke all the time. Once a friend responded, "Are you joking or is that true?"
I had no idea how to answer.
cookiesandspleen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would just say you're joking.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:41:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite joke of all time.
Spry15 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:18:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't a T-Rex Clap?
Because they're extinct.
AmazingJames ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:27:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still funny, because we all have seen them fall back into the water
BeadyEyed123 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:50:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this to a girl I liked. She didn't get it. We no longer speak.
Dan_man_bro_dude ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:50:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried telling this joke and said โscuba driversโ because Iโm an idiot who trips over his own sentences. Still made everyone laugh though...at me.
ScubaSteve1219 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:32:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
can confirm
itsmeitsmike ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:07:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah you don't have to jump backwards.
Cranthony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I poste this one... 16 hours too late. Classic. I love it.
tamor911 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think Iโve seen this joke every single time this thread comes up
bryantuga ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought my dad made this up!!
PMMEANUMBER1-10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:56:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's true
Graavy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/antijokes
Freiling ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something about this joke reminds me of the 60's. I feel like anti-humor was in.
ocean365 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is just silly
I love it
daley1402 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:19:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have been WAITING for this one
pepemuch ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:40:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the few jokes that I hate on a visceral level. I'm not quite sure why, but hearing this joke will put me in a sour mood without fail.
PM_me_ur_hat_pics ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:19:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's because it genuinely piques your curiosity about the subject and then leaves you without the actual answer. I don't really like this joke style in general tbh, but I'm a big nerd.
TheJamMaster ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:27:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I might be making this up but I'm pretty sure birds can sleep with one half of their brain at a time so I always figured that maybe they can only see out of one eye while half their brain is asleep and so they use it to track the lead bird. They probably take turns as the lead so that way everyone gets a good sleep and they can migrate further.
Again, I do not know if this is true. Googling would probably work well but ain't nobody got time for that.
declanrowan ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:47:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True on all accounts. It's called unihemispheric slow-wave sleep. They are the only animals that can control how much of the brain they shut down, based on how open their eyes are. (as opposed to dolphins, who do sleep with half their brain, but don't have the control that birds have.) And while they have not completely worked out how migrating birds sleep, they do know that they use unihemispheric slow-wave sleep while not in the lead position.
Source: Am somebody, and had time for that.
Real Source: http://ca.audubon.org/news/how-do-birds-sleep
TheJamMaster ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice! I'm going to continue telling myself I came up with that theory rather than admitting to the much greater likelihood of me having read that somewhere before.
And to be honest I had plenty of time, but it felt a little too much like work and so naturally I was repulsed by the very thought of it.
Laser_Dogg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:41:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the answer really is in the joke. If the implied question is: Why is one side of a goose V longer?
The answer is essentially that there was an extra goose. Itโs not like every flock flies with an even amount of geese. The drafting quality of the V formation works whether or not itโs symmetrical.
derekd2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A v would have an odd number of geese.
ShoggothEyes ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 23:56:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good comment dude ๐
PelagianEmpiricist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it.
AtWorkAccount1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my favorite
DuhBaconMan369 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good one!
CokeCanNinja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my all time favorites.
sano2pop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got a legit LOL!
C0lMustard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a bad scuba diver instructer dad joke +1
futonrefrigerator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was just thinking about this one today. Pretty funny
IBeJizzin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of them โfuck thatโs stupidโ jokes that has you laughing for 5 minutes anyway
infernalspawnODOOM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, Gracie, take it easy.
foxh8er ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is my dad's favorite joke
Erekai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That one has me wiping tears.
ovz123 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:14:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omfg this is a dad joke if ever I've seen one! xD
NordinTheLich ยท 345 points ยท Posted at 00:57:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey son, whatcha got there?"
"Soy milk."
"Hola, Milk. Soy tu padre."
api10 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 12:26:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hola tu Padre. Soy dad.
xNine90 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:36:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Clearly, this dad joke has evolved!
justkitten25 ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 23:56:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ants never get sick?
Because they have little antibodies
Jay985 ยท 12591 points ยท Posted at 20:04:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: I have a knock knock joke, but you have to start it.
Them: Okay, knock knock?
Me: Who's there?
awkward silence
Pizzalover1011 ยท 2736 points ยท Posted at 22:59:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
just did this and my boyfriend said โi donโt fucking know!โ
csm_orious ยท 295 points ยท Posted at 03:33:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried it on my my 4 year old daughter and she said banana. I lost...
EpsilonGecko ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:48:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Without hesitation?
csm_orious ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 05:56:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lightening fast. She shut me up quick, then my wife laughed at me.
blade85 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 13:43:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry for your loss.
EpsilonGecko ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:38:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love how kids do jokes. It's funny on a whole other level.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 13:55:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my six year-old just gave me "orange."
yingkaixing ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:18:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Orange you glad she didn't say banana
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:36:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that is what she was working up to!
mcergun ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:21:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seems valid though
paigezero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:14:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Banana who?
Guac__is__extra__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:42 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah Iโve used this one a lot but Iโve learned the other party needs to be at least 8-10.
ClandestineCandor ยท 198 points ยท Posted at 00:43:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't ask him questions while he's playing fortnite
xbuzzedx ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 00:46:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fortnite is down bruh
y0ungsinatra ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:53:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im in a queue, 17 minutes left so im here instead
benster82 ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 03:17:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you wait 15 minutes you are legally allowed to leave your queue.
y0ungsinatra ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:24:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only if i knew this before
xbuzzedx ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:27:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky you, I got 3 hours left lol
AstronautPoop ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:01:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some people...
y0ungsinatra ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:11:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mfw when waiting 17 mins for Epic to tell me login services arent working
y0ungsinatra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
aaaaaand servers have shutdown. noice. just noice.
Pizzalover1011 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:49:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he doesnโt play Fortnite!
pm_me_your_Yi_plays ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:29:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do everything you can too keep it that way. That game kills social lives.
sealedinterface ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:35:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Perhaps I can introduce you to Factorio...
OddlyCinematic ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:51:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....... Yet.
pm_me_your_Yi_plays ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:28:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He has a girlfriend, obviously he doesn't
Grantld ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:29:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend and I play together so how do you explain that?
cptpedantic ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:34:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you use both hands when you play
bestkwnsecret09 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:52:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me the other night when hugs told me this one เฒ _เฒ
TotallyNotInebriated ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:05:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend paused to think for a second and then smiled and shouted "Stupid!" Haha
Narcius ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dump him.
Quick kid. Run as fast as your little legs can carry you. Follow the train track north. You should hit Ackerton by sundown. London. It's a college town. Get a retail job and save up enough for a bus to get to the Canadian border. Someone will get in touch with you when the coast is clear.
[deleted] ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 00:47:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats on the new /r/relationships mod position
no_gold_here ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:20:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt think you can get from London to Canada by bus...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:57:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure you can. Just go through the channel tunnel to France, through Europe into Russia, up north, wait for winter, then drive across the Arctic ice.
ShaunDark ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:58:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, there's London, Ontario, London, Arkansas, London, California, London, Indiana, London, Kentucky, London, Michigan, London, Minnesota, London, Ohio, London, Texas, London, West Virginia, London, Wisconsin and London, Texas
Edit: found a few more...
Im_kinda_that_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you forgot one.
ShaunDark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:15:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If it's reachable from Canada by bus, feel free to list it ;)
lydsbane ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:07:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Speaking of wishes, you know what I never understood? Genies! They tell you to wish for anything you want, and then they add some terrible twist. Like you wish to jump high so he turns you into a frog. What? Why? Who gains from this? The genie? Where's the benefit? You should be fighting genies, man, not me. I'm not the problem. Genies. Genies are the problem.
Carlos_Sees_You ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's this from?
lydsbane ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. D.
Wolfey1618 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:00:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't fucking know who?
marjerbar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:46:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend hated it.
eachfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:18:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just did this and my girlfriend said โknock knock whoโs thereโ and looked at me expectantly.
I do love her.
opheliavalve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you better fucking tell him!
2KilAMoknbrd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Homey don't play dat
itsallrelative1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine too
mind_literally_blown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs a keeper
potentialredditor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hilarious. works every time
__celli ยท 763 points ยท Posted at 22:43:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer:
Then: okay, knock knock?
Me: come In
[deleted] ยท 656 points ยท Posted at 23:44:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in who? ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)ย
Fr87r41n ยท 362 points ยท Posted at 00:28:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in whom? ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
sarah-xxx ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:41:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in whom who? ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
RotorDonkey1 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 00:48:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WE'RE ZE ONES ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!
DariusV ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:17:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
THE KGB WILL WAIT FOR NO ONE
sirkevun ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:08:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in from whom who WE'RE ZE ONES ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!?( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
IsaacEiland-Hall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is a joke that my father says was popular during his time at college that I've never told. After I explain it, you'll surely understand why. It goes something like this:
You walk up to someone and ask, "Do you want to play Gestapo?" No matter their answer, you slap them across the face and say, "You lie! You lie!"
But he did say that once he told this joke to one of the football players who was massive and a bit slow. As he raised his hand to slap - gently, mind, because it was a joke, the guy grabbed his arm and scrunched up his face confusedly, and asked, "What are you doing?" and my dad never told that joke again.
DudeThatsAGG ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:27:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whomstโve be came upon?
Porcupine_Loofa ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:26:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in whomst'd'ves
FastFishLooseFish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:19:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom
infernoofihw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy fucks, grammatically.
partanimal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes it's who!!!
LittleElPoco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Correct more grammar bby I'm close
my_only_good_account ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:19:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gnomes by the looks of it
JohnMazua ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:27:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't it be whom?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but the joke didn't work as well :/
TBomberman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:11:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get your mind out of the gutter
evankh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gnomes, apparently
RoyalxSavior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you after six years I finally get the joke
nightmare_floofer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in you ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
vannucker ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:39:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
Dark_Sentinel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got em.
Scamperillium ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:11:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Them: knock knock
Me: no ones home
fool_on_a_hill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that Norm?
Toahpt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I pulled that one on the daughter of some friends of mine. Their daughter is like 9 years old or something. She didn't think it was funny, but her parents did.
Cptnwalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:34:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to annoy one of my friends in elementary because every time he wanted to tell a knock knock joke I would just yell 'come in!'
natureruler ยท 651 points ยท Posted at 22:55:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried this one on my six year old. It did not go as expected.
Me: I have a knock knock joke, but you have to start it.
Him: Okay, knock knock?
Me: Who's there?
Him: Potato.
Me: Potato who?
Him: Potato head I don't know.
Me: Knock knock.
Him: Who's there?
Me: You're.
Him: You're who?
Me: You're a potato head.
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: You're.
Me: You're who?
Him: Urine!
I thought it was a pretty funny exchange.
musicninja91 ยท 349 points ยท Posted at 23:51:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I have tried this joke on a kid, they just rolled with it and made something up on the spot. It's hilarious because it always goes somewhere ridiculous.
aglobalnomad ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:14:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kids' minds are amazing.
allgoodcookies ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:33:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do one where we say โbananaโ two or three times before saying โOrange.โ โOrange who?โ โOrange you glad I didnt say banana?โ
My four-year-old replaces every one of the fruits mentioned with a random one instead. But he keeps the initial repetitions. โGrapes you glad I didnโt say apple? HAHAHAHA!โ
Alterex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:46:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol god dammit. Yeah i Just posted the same thing about my kids. They don't just stick to fruit though, they do whatever word they want
PatchTheGamer ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:51:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still remember when my oldest was first trying to explore humor and he came up with the strangest things. For example:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana chocolate!
This was in response to us using the repetitive banana knock knock joke that ends with orange you glad I didn't say banana? I think it was that he didn't understand the word play and figured it was just another food that made it funny. Eventually after explaining more to him his punchline ended up being:
Banana, EAT ME!!!
Alterex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. Did the whole Orange/banana knock knock joke to my kids once. Orangeya glad I didn't say banana didn't mean anything to them cause they didn't get that it was supposed to sound like another word. So from there on out they thought thats just how all knock knock jokes are supposed to end. So we'd get...
Knock knock
who's there
Mickey Mouse
Mickey mouse who
Mickey mouse you glad I didn't say banana?
And they would die laughing and start it over again with a new word
Fexmeif ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:46:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The most interesting thing about hearing kids try to tell jokes is that that's probably how WE sound to them. Just saying random things and other people start laughing for no apparent reason!
Alterex ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:45:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. Did the whole Orange/banana knock knock joke to my kids once. Orangeya glad I didn't say banana didn't mean anything to them cause they didn't get that it was supposed to sound like another word. So from there on out they thought thats just how all knock knock jokes are supposed to end. So we'd get...
Knock knock
who's there
Mickey Mouse
Mickey mouse who
Mickey mouse you glad I didn't say banana?
And they would die laughing and start it over again with a new word
jasonrubik ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:13:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/8avmnf/if_you_were_offered_1000000_to_watch_the_same/dx20nq1
sorrythrowaway42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:57:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My little sister got me hard. Her response was: Deez. Deez NUTS!!!
Alterex ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude...
sorrythrowaway42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:06:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamnit.
TheRealHeroOf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:30:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
เฒ _เฒ
CRSdefiance ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:40:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to teach my daughter about knock knock jokes a month or two ago. I finally got her to say "Who's there?" and then responded with "Banana". She laughed hysterically. I tried over the course of several weeks, and could never get her past the point of just me saying banana. It made me feel like I was the one that didn't get the joke...
natureruler ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:41:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I taught my son that joke, and when he would retell it his punchline would be "Orange you glad banana I didn't say?" It was hilarious.
sweetcherrytea ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:04:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Our daughter is stuck on that one, too, but she's still too young to get that it's only funny with orange and banana. She just uses whatever words pop into her head or whatever is nearby and never waits for me to say "who?"
Her: Knock, knock. Me: Who's there? Her: Paw Patrol, aren't you glad I didn't say fruit snacks? throws head back... hahahahahaaaa
xo_lauren ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:04:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is your son Yoda?
Moglorosh ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:02:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I taught my 4 year old the interrupting cow one a while back. It took literal hours of practice for her to understand that she couldn't wait until after I finished talking to say "moo". Now she tells it to everyone she meets with the proudest look on her face.
me_so_pro ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:37:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fell like your little man is more witty than you.
ahugfromtammy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:35:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was 2/almost 3 I would tell this knock knock joke that I thought was HILARIOUS. Me: knock knock Mom: whoโs there? Me: Mickey Mouse! Mom: Mickey Mouse who? Me: Mickey Mouseโs little brother!!! ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ Me: knock knock Mom: whoโs there? Me: Minnie Mouse Mom: Minnie Mouse who? Me: Minnie Mouseโs little sister!!! ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ Me: knock knock Mom: whoโs there? Me: Donald Duck! ..... this would go on for ever and ever and never got old to me. Still to this day I tell my mom this joke and we laugh. Sheโs a patient woman.
natureruler ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:44:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When my son was that age he would say something like "OK i'm going to tell a joke. Are you ready?" Then he would just shout "JOKE!" and laugh hysterically. It was funny, maybe when he is older he will still tell that joke. :)
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:32:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
916ian ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:02:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened, did he get deleted?
Rickrickrickrickrick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:37:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a potato?
thoughtsandprairies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:24:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your kid's a comedy genius!
Sadadsada1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:17:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My kids don't understand how knock knock jokes work so they just blurt out a random word.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there"
"Orange!"
"Orange who?"
"BANANA HAHAHA"
leroyyrogers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your kid's a genius
room-to-breathe ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 23:18:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ready reply?
"9/11"
(This is not a guaranteed laugh)
themikebrown ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 23:33:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
9/11 who?
room-to-breathe ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 23:40:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET
sobs uncontrollably
penguinopusredux ยท 1253 points ยท Posted at 23:19:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the German varient:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
WE'RE ZE ONES ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!
Or the Death one:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Death
Death wh
EDIT: Seriously, I've never seen the American version of The Office. I thought the UK one was OK but nothing too special and never got around to it.
mydearwatson616 ยท 608 points ยท Posted at 23:50:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
fool_on_a_hill ยท 205 points ยท Posted at 23:51:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:(
Mr_Flatilla ยท 134 points ยท Posted at 00:06:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turn that frown upside down.
Dr_Movado ยท 302 points ยท Posted at 00:07:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
):
Clamriod ยท 354 points ยท Posted at 00:09:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Listen here you little shit
Rostabal ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:27:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'/\'
Raptorguy3 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:42:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wut
iThrowRoxAtBlindKids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like the Chinese character for fire ็ซ
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:56:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
he's expressing herself!
PosthistoricDino ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:21:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
we did it reddit
Skithana ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:26:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait now that I think about it, that's not even upside down tho, that's mirroring it...
:( upside down is still :(
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:46:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know too much now
x1WOLF101x ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Either that or you know too little.
Johnnynation ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:07:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
):
kmnyzz27 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
):
LOU-Caconym ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:33:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck it, I'm gonna post this poem I wrote when I was young and angsty.
Time came to my doorstep
With a flourish and a cry
And he drew himself on tiptoe
And he looked me in the eye.
"I am here," said he with accent
With resonance, no less,
"And I'm here to claim you forthright,
And I've brought my henchman, Death."
"I bid you welcome, Time my friend,
Bring Death, and come inside.
You've no need for theatrics here;
I know your master, Suicide."
onlurkerer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:44:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That. Is heavy. Poor young-you.
LOU-Caconym ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:00:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It got better :)
Pickledsoul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:21:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
goddamn that one is a gem.
you still do poetry?
LOU-Caconym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. I was always particularly proud of that one, and it's probably the only one I have committed to memory, even though I kept writing for many years after I wrote it, and definitely wrote pieces that were technically better.
I'm on a leave of absence from writing for the time being, but have every confidence that I'll go back to it in the future, hopefully with more life experience behind me.
the_red_beast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I enjoy the way that you write :). It is very good. It may be a heavy subject matter, but all of the poems I write are too haha. I think it is a good way to express those feelings and to get them out on paper. I hope that you are doing better now in life, and I hope that you kept writing!
R4dent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have an excellent grasp or rhythm and meter. You should still be writing.
Cyberfit ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 23:52:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/2me4meirl
DWells55 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:04:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
me too thanks
Argh_ImaPirate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:26:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too thanks.
Gorstag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That would be my grandma's answer. She has been wanting to die ever since grandpa passed 10 or so years ago.
Jihad_llama ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too thanks
lamb_tuna_fish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha same :D
Irish_Samurai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
dalovindj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Long time watcher, first time caller. HUGE fan of your work. I know everybody must ask but I'd hate myself (even more) if I didn't.
Elvis?"
IkananXIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man held a gun to my head and said, "say one word and you're dead!" I said, "well, I need a hint."
-Emo Phillips (probably not quoted exactly)
Daniel9764 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/2meirl4meirl
sabestue22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/me_irl
MightBeJerryWest ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 00:27:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like Dwight's take on it
[deleted] ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 00:12:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ZE KGB WAITS FOR NO ONE!!!
Dydegu ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:34:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs true.
Doc_Wyatt ยท 336 points ยท Posted at 00:12:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad would do something sorta similar, he called it โPlaying KGB.โ Heโd ask my brother and I our names, and no matter what weโd say, heโd yell โLiar!โ in a Russian accent and shock us with cables hooked up to a car battery
Emma-lucy-loo ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 00:47:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs just not the same
dread_pirate_roberto ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:03:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better than getting beat with the jumper cables???
slugo17 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:57:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I miss that guy.
SpringtimeForGermany ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:15:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP /u/rogersimon10 some day his father is still beating him today
AwesomeJohn01 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:58:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, at least he didn't beat you with them
the-floot ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:38:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta do this for my baby
โWHO IS YOUR FATHER?โ
โY-you are!โ
โLIARโ
โfine I SAID FINE, its car battery.โ
Edit: the first name of my neighbours car battery is car and the surname is battery, pretty simple
BigFatDynamo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:11:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"zee KGB vaits for no vun!"
yoshidawgz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this game. Play it with my girlfriend all the time ;)
adhbear ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:42:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
well that escalated quickly...
mherdeg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't fool me, you're no /u/rogersimon10
Moglorosh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first thing I've laughed out loud at in this thread so far.
kwhateverdude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh very hard. Thank you.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before or after beating you with said jumper cables?
ReasonableManboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic dad move.
entredeuxeaux ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:30:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
Itโs โKnock knockโ โWhoโs there?โ โZe KGB.โ โThe KGB wh...โ โVEE VILL ASK ZEE KESTIONS!โ
samurguy990 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, thats the version Iโve always heard
AMViquel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the KGB tells you the answers they want to hear first? Like some weird kind of Jeopardy, but you don't really win.
samurguy990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From what Iโve read of china shortly after the cultural revolution, youโve got the wrong government. โHere, sign this document confessing and apologizing, and we wonโt kick you out of the party and ruin your career.โ
Schnort ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:29:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is better when you slap them prior to responding for the full Gestapo effect.
penguinopusredux ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:30:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then get led away in cuffs :)
Virus64 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:18:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Silly jew, Gestapo do not knock
Thetschopp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:30:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knockwurst, knockwurst
nomo357 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there
The KGB
The KGB wh-
WE ARE THE KGB, WE ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE ! TO THE GULAGS WITH THIS ONE
antaymonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
dontreadmynameppl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol how does the second one work? Wouldn't you both need to be in on the joke?
penguinopusredux ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's more of a single-person joke, or for writing down.
Slonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://vimeo.com/34178476
stopsucking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the German one, donโt forget to slap the other person across the face and yell the punchline halfway through them asking whoโs there. Very effective.
gartho009 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always reminded me of my favorite lightbulb joke.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Thre-
YOU DON'T KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE
ZakDerMutt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unexpected office reference
penguinopusredux ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:32:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, I've never watched the US version of The Office.
capricornonthecob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
rip
Thegentleman22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too much cowder for you
FHM_IV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
a_randomless_chef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the death one. Seems like it's a type-only joke
penguinopusredux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a two person joke, you have to do it yourself.
Harsimaja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or the radical intersectional theorist one:
Knock knock
Who's there?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
EvenBraverLilToaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Ach. Ach Who? Godzundheit.
Jonfitzm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Buddha
Buddha who?
Buddha this bread for me will ya?
insecurrboiboi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
isn't it Russian? Since it was a kgb joke?
penguinopusredux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm British, so we prefer a German joke historically :)
madkeepz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or the other german version:
Knock knock
Your haus belongs to der fรผhrer now
man2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a UK office?
penguinopusredux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was the original. Two series and then they called it a day rather than flogging it to death.
jodawi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Impatient cow
Impa...
Moo!
NSFAnythingAtAll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there
Interrupting cow
Interrup-
MOOOOOOOOOOOO
busdriverjoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I love this delivery. I think it's from a outtake of Suits.
Jonny_Segment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You missed a crucial line:
If you don't explain it's the Gestapo, it's just confusing.
sagewah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For bonus points, slap them across the face when you say this.
NeverBeenStung ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't see how that second one would ever work. The punchline is coming form the person you are telling it to
krasatos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The German one in dwight schrute's voice tho
IDCFFSGTFO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there
Interrupting squawking parrot
Interrupting squawking par
SQUAAAAAAAWK
t-reptar ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 23:19:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to do the ding dong ditch on people
Me: knock knock
Them: whoโs there
Then I just walk away
ScratchyGoboCode ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:34:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Using that one tomorrow!
Commander_Alex_Mason ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:36:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just tried this with my wife. Went as follows:
Me: I have a knock knock joke, but you have to start it.
Wife: Okay, knock knock?
Me: Who's there?
Wife (without hesitation): I hate you.
android_lacky ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:25:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite knock knock joke is
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Them: Incorrect answer or Why?
Me: To visit an idiot
Then immediately start the knock knock joke
Me: Knock Knock
Them: Who's There?
Me: The chicken
mealzer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:38:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But how do you make them respond how you need them to for the joke...
android_lacky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:47:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edited lol I messed up
mealzer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:10:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha okay that's better
Alpharettaraiders09 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saved. Im trying to get a buddy of mine to ask me why the chicken crossed the road
FinancialFartdom ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:18:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Whoโs there?
Control freak.
Contr-
YOUโRE SUPPOSED TO SAY โCONTROL FREAK WHOโ!
lemonedpenguin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:34:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to as well!
EpiLes16 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:05:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there?
The KGB
The KGB w-
THE KGB WILL WAIT FOR NO ONE!
magpiedandelion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!
Gold_Jacobson ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:14:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just did it to my wife.
She panicked and said, โwho there who?โ
AnticitizenPrime ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:29:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a fan of the interrupting cow version...
Knock knock.
Interrupting cow.
MOOOOOOOOOOooo
skitlesrain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:55:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend just looked at me blankly and said "me"
Quarkbeastx ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:02:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awkward silence who?
e1ghtSpace ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:58:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one never works. Its not funny.
ColtonProvias ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:09:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I totally did not do this one to a coworker in front of 1,000+ people while working at a show at Walt Disney World...
Squishy_Avocado ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wholeheartedly believe that I invented this joke in elementary school and it just spread like wildfire and no one will ever convince me otherwise or take that little victory away from me SO YOU'RE WELCOME
rftz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unlikely, unless you're older than 43-ish. It's in a scene in An American Werewolf in London, which came out in 1981.
Squishy_Avocado ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:23:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why would you do this to me? It's like the ONE great thing I can leave behind when I die and you just TOOK IT FROM ME. Do you have no HEART?! No. No I won't stand for this. I came up with this joke when I was 7 and that's that
nomnommish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I started a joke
which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see
that the joke was on me...
I started to cry
which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen
that the joke was on me"
Rofl_Waffler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
Azusanga ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend said "That's infuriating. I don't fucking know"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โKnock Knockโ โWhoโs there?โ โCancerโ โOh good, come on in. I thought it was Britta.โ
Missing_nosleep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: knock knock.
Them: whoโs there?
Me: I eat mop
Them: I eat mop who?
DaniePants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh i canโt wait to use this one on my elementary school-aged boys on the drive to school. You just made my tomorrow and itโs not even happened yet!
dm293901 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:03:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My daughter recently got me with a similar one.
Her: I want to tell you a joke, say knock, knock.
Me: What? Ok, knock knock.
Her: Nobody's home, come back later
Salkindelgo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:03:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I personally like this
Me: Knock knock.
Them: Who's there?
Me: Go fuck yourself.
SomeGuy_tor78 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only funny knock knock joke that I read on here once:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting doctor
Interrup---
You have aids
EatYourPet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When they say "I don't know", I follow up with "I don't know, who?" then tell them that their joke wasn't very funny
PermaDrought ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried this with my daughter and without missing a beat, she said Juno.
Juno who?
Juno any good jokes?
YerMomsASherpa ยท 20515 points ยท Posted at 20:43:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the most important part of a joke timing.
verdatum ยท 3024 points ยท Posted at 00:01:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this guy gets sent to prison for the first time. And he's in line for lunch and one of the inmates shouts out "NUMBER 22!" and the whole cafeteria breaks out into laughter. So the new guy asks the person next to him what the heck that was all about.
"Well you see, between us all, we only know a certain number of jokes. And we've all told them to each other so many times that we just assigned them all numbers to save us the trouble of telling them."
Now, naturally, the new guy wants to fit in, so he spends weeks doing research to learn all about these jokes.
Finally, the day comes. He's there in line in the cafeteria and calls out "NUMBER 34!!" but absolutely no one laughs. So he asks his friend, "What gives? How come no one laughed?" His friend says, "I dunno, man, it must have been your delivery."
ThatLexxyFellow ยท 2834 points ยท Posted at 00:45:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the alternative punchline, where he yells out "Sixty-five!" and everyone roars with laughter. The new guy says, 'Why was that one so funny?" and his friend says, "They've never heard it before!"
NativeRave ยท 197 points ยท Posted at 01:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I thought of something funnier than twenty-four."
"Let me hear it."
"Twenty-five!"
iamfuturejesus ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:37:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like something from Spongebob
Edit: IT IS! I found the clip. Thought it sounded familiar https://youtu.be/nX6N2tgLmaQ
One_Way_Trip ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 01:27:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Original has a meta laugh in it. The joke-teller poorly delivers the joke.
diMario ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 04:46:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard still another punchline, where he yells out "Sixty-five" and everyone is silent, looking away embarrassed. The new guy says "What? Why is no one laughing?" and his friend says, "we don't like racists in here."
WJSidis ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed more at your version
pialligo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:58:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt think thatโs a good punchline, because the whole premise is that theyโve heard them so often they can refer to them by number. The point is โitโs not the joke, itโs how you tell it.โ While I get where the alternative punchline is coming from, it undermines the joke if you think about it a bit.
9000_HULLS ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 10:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs what makes it a good punchline, it doesnโt make sense
_67 ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 00:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternate ending:
Finally, the day comes. He's there in line in the cafeteria and calls out "NUMBER 34!!" and everyone cracks up laughing. Five minutes later and the laughter's just dying down, smiles all round etc. "What's up with that?" he says. "Can't have been that funny"
"Well ... " says his friend, still recovering his breath, "you see, we haven't heard that one before"
HuddsMagruder ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:07:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have to call my grandpa now to tell him this joke. Youโre the best.
SexandtheSafetyVest ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:05:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always uses the punchline "Some people just can't tell a joke".
imaginarynumber0 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:29:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it.
Hanndicap ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
failed
ADHD_Supernova ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:27:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can tell he was too enthusiastic with his delivery - with the extras exclamation mark and what not.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i dont get it
verdatum ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 00:34:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh...Must have been my delivery.
LukusAurelius ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 00:52:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how a good joke can be ruined if it isn't told well? The main character of the joke yells out "NUMBER 34!", which logically cannot be messed up, yet no one laughs because it is somehow told badly. What makes the joke funny is the break of logic.
[deleted] ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 01:06:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BorneOfStorms ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 01:21:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always funny, right? At least for the immature.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Highcalibur10 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:41:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've written that comment like it makes you come across as endearing but it really doesn't.
menbiddle ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:27:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know whats funnier than 24?
25
4K77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually think that, even when just shouting out a number which represents a joke, the delivery matters. Think about it.
HipHopGrandpa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:44:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry to inform you that your never-fail joke just failed.
Doc_Faust ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:54:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, it wasn't a top level reply so maybe it's just a normal joke of theirs, not a never-fail one.
vman81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a version of that joke in a Mickey/Goofy comic.
PelicanStatie ยท 3075 points ยท Posted at 21:39:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck this took me a second but I started laughing while waiting for my turn in line for a haircut!!
YerMomsASherpa ยท 1050 points ยท Posted at 22:13:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
glad it was before and not during!
SOwED ยท 492 points ยท Posted at 23:29:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/justfuckmyshitup would have gotten a post out of that
sarah-xxx ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:10:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We can still do it... he's probably having his haircut now. Let's just hope he's on Reddit.
endim8 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:19:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 hours later?
Kriamjolee ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:34:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did anyone else say this out loud in that voice from SpongeBob?
Krizzy213 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:38:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not until I read this
Ihatenewtoppostedits ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:41:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Embarrassing story time -
I was getting my hair cut once and the barber made me laugh unexpectedly and I had my mouth closed so I laughed hard out my nose and snot went all down my face. We both locked eyes in the mirror as I sat there like a 3 year old with snot all over my face.
Backupusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The most important part of laughing at a joke is timing.
Dylbobaginz ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 23:37:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Small world, Iโm doing the same right now
NoNeed2RGue ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:56:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same here. Internet is weird
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got mine cut yesterday. Can I join the club?
PerfectCrouton ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:25:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No
yamateh87 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:19:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It seems I'm the only one who didn't get it... care to explain plz? Lol
PelicanStatie ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:45:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs supposed to be โwhatโs the most important part of a joke? (Pause) Timing.โ
GetOffMyBus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:30:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP plz
Tromben ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:10:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You might enjoy this clip from Community
DrDudeManJones ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:20:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta schedule hair cuts, dog. Avoid the wait that way.
skyroket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or if you go to one of those walk-in places, they all have an online check in now. Front of the line, baby!
Nickel4pickle ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:05:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You didn't get them all cut?
Crash_OverRide805 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:28:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop Dad
stopsucking ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:50:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Line? Are you at a drive thru?
VyRe40 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't wait to ruin all the jokes in this post with bad delivery.
oroborosis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that some kind of joke?
Spisminekortbukser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit me too!
Bbng2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I get an update of your haircut plz. Hate to be interested but I am
katasian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am also waiting in line for a haircut. Iโll make sure to put this thread away during the cut!
sterlingkash ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:25:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry about it. I'm sure the hairdresser thinks you're chatty now.
gonzagon ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:01:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just told this to my wife and she responded "The punchline?". Then asked what the punchline to the joke was.
ironymouse ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:14:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I guess you have to punch her and do a line..
ace66 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:06:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A line of coke?
ironymouse ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:10:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kind of you to offer..
lonefeather ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:20:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nicely done ๐
earthlings_all ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:05:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in Boratโs voice.
โThis suit is NOT BLACK.โ
โThis suit is black not.โ
badatchopsticks ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:43:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once when I was at summer camp, there was a talent show and a six-year-old went up to the mic to tell a joke.
He rapidly said "a man walks into a bar ouch" then immediately left the stage.
Everybody just stared, whispering to each other "huh? What did he say?" I personally found his complete lack of timing and delivery hilarious and laughed heartily, causing the people around me to glare at me (they probably thought I was laughing at him.)
Chefcocktail99 ยท 206 points ยท Posted at 22:13:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain
YerMomsASherpa ยท 453 points ยท Posted at 22:14:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read it like it's written, with no break.
Timing is everything.
gavinscherer ยท 137 points ยท Posted at 22:28:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
help i still dont get it
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 283 points ยท Posted at 23:53:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a joke?
Timing.
Now look at how they wrote it
N0vemberJul1et ยท 373 points ยท Posted at 00:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PM sent.
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 85 points ยท Posted at 00:10:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:17:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Be honest, you didn't actually get a PM, did you.
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:21:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jul1et did not send me a pm, no
Pleased_to_meet_u ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:30:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But what if it's not actually my tiny penis. Just one that I've been keeping in a box. You know, for emergencies?
ideit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So that's what that song was about
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wat.
No involuntary pron on reditto
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:30:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exhibitionist-voyeur privilege?
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Um. Ok
SwashbucklingWeasels ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:53:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like that your username is lowercase
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:29:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:38:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok
VindictiveRakk ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:10:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/meirl
xRyuuji7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tagged as Tiny Dick Pics
lanesane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke in the thread
Shouldbeworking22 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:06:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ELI5
Edit: ELIreally5
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:13:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
GetOffMyBus ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 02:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
See, it'd make more sense if OP used a fooking comma
evsoul ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:44:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's the joke though....
MaxxBreak ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:09:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Normally you wait some period of time until the other person says "I don't know" and then you say:
It's a play on this format of joke
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhh
phillyFart ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:08:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Time is a construct
Aapples ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:26:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After reading all the explanations for this joke and not laughing this made me laugh
me_so_pro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing is the most important part of a joke. In this case the word "timng" is also the punchline to the joke qestion: "What's the most important part of a joke?"
By writing it like "Whats the most important part of a joke timing." he fucked up he timing though while also leavng you in anticipation of a follow up. It never comes though, as he said the punchline already and just messed up the timing.
MxM111 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you read the joke as it is written, then you spoil the joke. The right joke is
What's the most important part of a joke ... timing.
But when you remove pause, you have terrible timing and it kind of becomes not a joke, which still proves the point that timing is important.
Not very good joke, but a joke nevertheless.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:29:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke.. More of an explanation that timing is important which itself includes an example for it.
The only thing it has to do with a joke is that it contains the word "joke" which could be replaced with "sentence" and be exactly the same.
Systral ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:40:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But how's that funny?
drewsufff ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:00:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm with you. Thereโs supposed to be an additional meaning to how itโs written that makes it funny, but thereโs not. They just wrote it so that the timing is off.
Eazyyy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought I was being stupid, like there was a genius hidden meaning. Thereโs not, the joke was just terrible.
Andoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm still fucking confused. Is the purpose fuck up grammar supposed to play a part in this? Is the joke that bad?
GarbledReverie ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:29:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing to a joke is important. This is actually true.
A successful joke has to have delivery in which there is at least a beat between the expectation and the satisfaction created by the set-up.
In the case of this joke, the beat is denied. But this in and of itself is the point. The punchline is delivered at the same time as the set-up. This subverts expectations and leaves one confused. But in that interium of confusion, the beat is created. The time it takes to process the joke, creates the delay that was denied by design.
Thus not only is the joke a meta-analysis of itself, it allows the recipient of the joke to provide the element that it intentionally omitted.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True - it just isn't a joke.
"Okay... True." - Where is the joke?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:14:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, haha timing is important in a joke...
jz41523 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:31 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not gunna lie I just laughed my ass off at your comment
Eazyyy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:55:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. Thatโs the joke. That the timing is off in a sentence about timing being important.
zecchinoroni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is that it should be spoken like this:
"What's the most important part of a joke? Timing."
But the way it's written, the timing is all wrong.
MxM111 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you read the joke as it is written, then you spoil the joke. The right joke is
What's the most important part of a joke ... timing.
But when you remove pause, you have terrible timing and it kind of becomes not a joke, which proves the point that timing is important.
Not very good joke, but a joke nevertheless.
Ixiepop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The point of the joke is to ruin the timing. What's funny about waiting a beat and saying a generally accepted fact?
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because timing
orionsbelt05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I get it, but if I do, it's very poorly done. I don't think it's a joke that can translate well to a written format. I'm imagining how it can be said outloud, like you interrupt the person who is about to make a guess after you ask the question or something.
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You just say the whole thing with no breaks
generalnotsew ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:08:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Irony?
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can do it!
Kelpt ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:18:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many dick pics do you get?
pm_me_ur_tiny_penis ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:38:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not enough. The market is pretty small
_tpyo ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 23:59:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How it's "supposed" to be said
How its delivered:
TBola83 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:38:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There shouldnโt be a pause after โjokeโ though.
_tpyo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:51:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you take issue with the comma? I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT. :P
TedFartass ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:57:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A comma literally signifies a pause when speaking...
_tpyo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ye but without it it's not clear what you're saying g at all. It sounds like joke-timing. If you pause but for not long enough it sounds better IMO
brazilliandanny ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:13:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatsthemostimportantpartofajoketiming
bg-j38 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:03:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say you're telling the joke to a friend.
You: "What's the most important part of a joke?"
Them: "Wh-"
You: [Interrupting] "Timing!"
GrahamPeters ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:29:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A: Knock knock
B: Who's there
A: Interrupting cow
B: Interrupting cow who?
A: Timing [pause] wait, shit
tfofurn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I taught my five-year-old Interrupting Cow yesterday. He gets it right sometimes, but other times he'll moo after "who's there". I'm trying to teach him that if someone comes back with "moo who" he should say "interrupting cow" and it'll still work.
TeniBear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My daughters learnt the interrupting cow joke from that movie Home. Since then, my eldest wonโt tell any other joke. Iโm a little bit sick of the interrupting fucking cow these days. Shame, I used to love the joke.
Powerballwinner21mil ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:19:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No thatโs not how you tell it. You say timing with no pause or break. It really takes timing
Nightwise ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:19:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only way it made sense to me, thanks.
JacksonHawkins ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 22:30:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
gavinscherer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am extremely confused on why this was upvoted as much as it was.
DiCePWNeD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cause it's not really funny
seraph85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you get it. You just don't think it's funny.
subthermal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This hat is black not
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're just a lost cause, mate.
Macktologist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read it as them asking what the most important part of timing of a joke was. Considered the correct interpretation but it didnโt make sense or I wasnโt sure that was correct. It is a good one though.
lifelongfreshman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:18 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing.
balanced_view ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
halp i no get joke
lifelongfreshman ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:38:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a joke?
TopCrakHead ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 00:06:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
some people are just born retarded
bobthebobofbob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:11:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well yeah, I would say most people who are retarded were born that way.
TheKingOfTheGays ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:28:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I DON'T GET IT I'M DUMB!!!
ragdoll96 ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 22:31:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a joke? Timing.
By saying it without any stops (such as the question mark), you're killing the timing, and thus, people (like you) don't get the joke.
Cheers
gabrielcro23699 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok I finally get it, but is it weird I don't think that's funny at all? Seems like a non-funny version of the Borat thing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhIdbRp6xeg
AcuzioRain ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:02:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay I thought I didnt get it, but it turns out I just didnt find it funny -shrug-
guittar99 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:16:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much this.
BlakeGarrison62 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:27:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you ragdoll96
Diirtyvato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FUCKING ANNIHILATED
ThouArtNaught ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People who say Cheers are cringier
chopstiks ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:05:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
no, you get it, the joke is dumb.
JacksonHawkins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
TheKingOfTheGays ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:52:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
PLEASE I'M SERIOUS HELP!!!
Zymotical ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:44:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We don't refer to them as the help anymore, the correct term is people of service.
athaarv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, please explain
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:34:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The most important part of a joke is timing. The joke is that he is stating the remark without any sort of pause.
Bandwidth_Wasted ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The greatest car, pause, in the world
joewaterleaf3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:09:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found Jeremy Clarkson.
JacksonHawkins ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:30:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
this_cant_be_good ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:53:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: โnever-failโ jokes failing
danceycat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:13:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You don't pause between asking the question ("What's the most important part of a joke?") and the answer ("timing"). So basically you say the most important part of a joke is timing while having horrible timing
Que-la-pointe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read it like Borat telling a joke.
justacoacher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing is the most important part of a joke.
So in normal talking, the sentence would be "What's the most important part of a joke? Timing!
Except the joke is that you mess up the normal timing of the sentence, so you say "what's the most important part of a joke timing" with the same cadence the whole time.
So the joke is that you're telling someone that timing is the most important part of a joke but you say it with terrible timing.
-Narwhal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:52:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There should be a pause between the question, "What's the most important part of a joke?" and answer, "Timing!".
But it's delivered in a way that skips the most important part.
T25Victim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read it like:
"What's the most important part of the joke?"
...
...
....
...
"Timing!" (You ruin the joke with ironically bad timing)
xMasterless ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:30:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the way I've heard it:
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
INeed3Quid ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:13:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm dyslexic and read it wrong but still found it funny;
"Whats the most important part of timing a joke?"
then wait for them to start laughing
paterfamilias78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, I like this one better.
onemanandhishat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timing is essential in comedy
UltraChilly ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 00:08:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once sent text messages to some friends one hour before joining them at a party. The text said "timing". Later that night, I told them "what's the most important part of a time travel joke?" and when they asked "what?" I pretended to write a text message on my phone, looked at them, put the phone back in my pocket and left to get a drink.
Nobody got it.
AlastairEvans ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:36:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did.
UltraChilly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean that night, I had to explain the weird text they received earlier was connected to the joke and even then I had to explain the joke iirc. (But to be fair it was late and we all had a drink or two)
alyaaz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly:
what's the difference between a good joke and a
Bad joke timing
Theonlykd ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:43:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a guy on my Facebook who posts with zero punctuation. Itโs very difficult to read.
peon47 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Head over to /r/jokes and see that actually happen all the damn time. There's some really good jokes there occasionally (well, it's better than /r/funny at least) but then people add "/edit" after the punchline to thank for the upvotes or something, and it completely steps on the actual joke.
delorean225 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:25:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can also tell this joke by asking the question and then randomly yelling "timing!" like a half an hour later.
iStayedAtaHolidayInn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:25:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How Long is a chinese name
nowhereman136 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:44:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You tell the punchline first
What's the quickest way to ruin a joke?
Donutsareagirlsbff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:43:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For those that don't realise, you're meant to deliver 'timing' as they say "what?". So it goes like this; "What's the most important part of a joke?" "Wh-" "Timing!"
My sister in law thought this was a ripper after my partner told it to her. She got excited to tell her dad so when he got home she bounces up to him.
S - "Hey dad! What's the most important part of a joke?!" D - "What?" S - "... Timing!"
We killed ourselves laughing at how she fucked it up. She was so sad about it hahaha
bojrab ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:09:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so hard I snorted
I tried this with 2 friends and my family and they are so confused that they have gotten hostile
snowyday ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For whatโs its worth, 40 years ago I heard David Brenner make this joke on Johnny Carson.
Itโs a classic
Ootman23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The way I usually tell this one is slightly different. My go to is:
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad? Joke timing!
theian01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:17:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually get someone else to do this one with me (or if someone interrupts a joke with the punchline or something)
โ(So-and-so), can you ask me what the most important part of comedy is?โ
โWhatโs the most impor-โ
โTiming.โ
ifoughtpiranhas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is... fucking brilliant. took me a bit too long.
mortimermcmirestinks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!redditsilver
PaperPlanesAllDay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:20:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need some opinions. I said this joke once and my friend swore itโs better this way: โwhatโs the best part of a joke?โ Then say โtimingโ like 2 minutes later randomly. I donโt think its funny at all, but he was adamant.
macaronisalad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn you really ended the thread for me, I sighed and hit the back button to my front page feed...then I realized I was still browsing. Well done.
MrSouthWest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:46:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn you!
Will have to delete my reply before reading the others first.
Good--Knight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:06:02 on September 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Took me 4months, but I get it now.
TheKapitan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:46:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
anonymous_DoDoBeDoDo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
mine too
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
works in print
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
read this as text to speech
someguy3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This suit is blacknot.
gangstaslaya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao
keanenottheband ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, so good
CuntOfCrownSt ยท 604 points ยท Posted at 00:17:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and isn't very heavy?
Light blue
You're welcome
mattyice182 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:22:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke blue me away when I red it
iRekUrGrammR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:15:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke put a green on my face.
mattyice182 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:25 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yellow fellow Redditor. We pinked a great thread to comment on
shlepky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:18:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
veilofmaya1234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and isn't very heavy?
A shart
I'm sorry
rockinrolla22 ยท 1667 points ยท Posted at 21:24:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
TheNateRoss ยท 553 points ยท Posted at 23:33:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and fuzzy and hurts when it falls from a tree? A pool table
humblesquare ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 01:45:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green, soft, and has wheels?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.
Imagine_Baggins ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a mole and an eagle have in common? They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
huim1 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:10:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/AntiAntiJokes
paigezero ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:16:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If it's green, fuzzy and throwing itself out of a tree, is it kermitting suicide?
Rinat1234567890 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:12:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's brown and sticky? poop.
mortalwombat- ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:00:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
Mike0xard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:59 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Rabbyk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:38:17 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
DudesworthMannington ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 00:01:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
GeneralRipper ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 01:08:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
mortalwombat- ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:01:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does snoop carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
bang__your__head ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:49:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I died ....
Auxert ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 23:32:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats red and smells like blue paint? red paint
adudeguyman ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:45:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and smells?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:00:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A smelly brown object
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:53:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger.
Blue2501 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Green and smells like pickled pork
bwandfwakes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:02:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got the joke wrong. It's, "what's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint."
Auxert ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Potatoe potahtoe. I really don't think switching the colours matter
bwandfwakes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:18:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't. I had just heard it the other way around and wanted to be a pain in the ass.
Auxert ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:21:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fair enough
aint_killed_me_yet ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:51:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Colors*
KyleTheNavigator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats wet and tastes like red paint? Blue paint
DJBitterbarn ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 00:37:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and hurts when you get it stuck in your teeth?
A bulldozer.
Letlloosethegroose ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 23:30:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blur and worse for your teeth? A really fast brick.
zebrucie ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and horrible for your teeth? An extremely fast brick.
Letlloosethegroose ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:37:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
See, I meant to type blue, but my finger slipped on my keyboard. Ah, well.
DaxMan12 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:56:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd argue blur works just as well lol
CrabbyBlueberry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:29:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A physicist redditor once calculated how fast that brick would need to travel, and concluded that the kinetic energy necessary would be greater than the energy from an atomic bomb.
nsfwmodeme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah, look at Mr Funny Doppler!
Meshiest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my favorite. Not for everyone though
justclay ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:16:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonnorhea
baldasheck ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:42:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats yellow and turns red when you push a button?
A baby chick in a blender.
a_unique__username_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:49:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's big, grey, and can't swim? A castle.
rockinrolla22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:03:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We have a winner
KallistiTMP ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:54:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:48:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I ate a brick once.... no wait that was a dick. I ate a dick once.
Taygr ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:18:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better when you use the word prick
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:26:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
go eat a dick
denim_skirt ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:14:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's red and good for your teeth? socialized healthcare
Taygr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:17:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and bad for your teeth? A tractor
ALittleSurprise1013 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:44:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:43:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and bad for your teeth? A very fast brick.
Sianasaurus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:56:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung
Jsreis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye? A bulldozer
FunVonni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:51:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's my type of joke! What's white and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A fridge.
sharfpang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What hangs on the wall and has white and black keys? A grand piano, and don't you dare criticizing my home decor.
darkmind403 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's big and yellow and can't swim?
A schoolbus.
Wodahs128 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:13 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs white and canโt climb trees? A refrigerator
seiberg ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red, slimy and smells like Ms Piggy? Elmo's fingers.
beauxdegas ยท 544 points ยท Posted at 22:20:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillows??
Theyโre making headlines!
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:46:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
beauxdegas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:14:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know a lot of people like your husband but Iโm with you.
bengine ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:19:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about brooms? They're sweeping the nation!
MissChibs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg I can't stop laughing!
throwawaylaterforme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is the first one that made me audibly laugh
SignificantSampleX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Of all the jokes there are, this one surprised a giggle out of me the hardest.
bobboilson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:11:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You need better material!
beauxdegas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:13:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha! Well done!
Gremlin87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:43:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blind prostitutes.
You really gotta hand it to them.
Byizo ยท 1040 points ยท Posted at 20:47:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 22:49:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A redheaded friend of mine recounted having this backfire on her once.
Friend: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Witty Guy: You.
She admits she walked into that one, and labeled the whole thing "Ginger Roast 2016"
Megatron_McLargeHuge ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:25:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's loud and sounds like a parrot?
A PARROT.
titlewhore ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 21:38:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what is brown and rhymes with snoop?
HaziqQ ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 21:51:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Dre.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:51:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is fantastic. Gotta remember it.
shinypretty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:02 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my all-time favorites.
xxmickeymoorexx ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:41:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts
SheeEttin ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:30:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Did you hear about the ship that ran aground carrying red and black paint? The whole crew was marooned!
BlueStarAndBeyond ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:03:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
paPAneta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:02:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. A carrot seems like the obvious answer. Is it supposed to sound like it's something else?
Guac__is__extra__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:43:14 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most people try to think of things that make sounds similar to a parrot, and donโt consider things that rhyme with carrot.
PMmeURfavePIZZA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? A stick.
ghuth2 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:28:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gets slightly better response with "A brown stick"
beccaq86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:40:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Respectfully disagree.
SuperGandalfBros ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:38:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald Trump.
Cause he keeps repeating the same things over and over again
QueenShnoogleberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been reading this list to my roommate.
This one is the one that broke her. She's suffocating as I type.
faatiydut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones
awesmazingj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my friends favorite joke. She tried to deliver it once, and this is what happened.
rapidly
โWhatโs orange and sounds like a carrot FUCK!โ
37899920033 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:11:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald Trump may also be an acceptable answer depending on your audience.
canadave_nyc ยท 2135 points ยท Posted at 22:07:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, do you remember, when you were a kid, and you used to blow bubbles?"
"Yes?"
"Well, he's back in town and he's looking for you."
AlaskanWolf ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 23:54:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God, if there's one joke from this thread I need to remember, it's this one.
ckellingc ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:09:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Amazing Jonathan at his finest. He will always be Amazing
Combsy13 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:43:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't seen anything from him in so long. Is he still performing?
ckellingc ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:51:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, he had some really bad heart condition. Apparently he came out on stage one night and just said "this is my last show" because he couldn't keep doing it.
Combsy13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aww :(
That's unfortunate. I used to watch his Comedy Central specials every time they came on. But at least he knew when it was getting too much and didn't try to push himself to keep going too long
ckellingc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was my favorite. I remember wanting to learn magic and comedy just because of him. I'll never forget him and would love to meet him some day.
Ulti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've little to add here other than a shared love of The Amazing Jonathan. His specials still murder me, I probably watch them once a year.
ckellingc ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:32:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hug
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw0catBXVx4
Ulti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:50:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awwww yisssss. Not enough people know this guy!
Combsy13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:52:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's true. There really aren't enough people who know/appreciate The Amazing Jonathan. He's so funny and so good at playing a "shitty magician" that sometimes it's easy to forget he's also a really good Illusionist.
dmanww ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit yeah, I think that's where I first heard it.
Also the bit with the windex
sdkav ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:42:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this version better, but itโs longer.
There were ducks in duck court, and the judge was about to begin the trial. The first defendant entered the room.
The judge said โwhatโs your name?โ
โQuackโ
โAnd what did you do?โ
โI was caught blowing bubbles in the pondโ
โOkay,โ the judge says โyour sentence is 6 months, bring in the next defendantโ
The next duck enters the courtroom and the judge says again, โwhatโs your name?โ
The duck says โquack quackโ
โAnd what did you do?โ
โWell I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond tooโ
โOkay, thatโs 6 monthsโ
Finally, a third duck enters. The judge says โdonโt tell me your name is quack quack quack!โ
โNo,โ says the duck, โmy name is Bubblesโ
alkaline810 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:49:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Similar joke: three guys gather the next day after a night of heavy drinking. The first guy explains "I was so drunk as soon as I came home I started blowing chunks"
The second guy says "I was so drunk when I walked in my wife was so upset she took the kids and left me"
The third guy explains "I was so drunk, I tried to enjoy a smoke and immediately passed out with a lit cigarette and burned half my house down.โ
The second guy agreed that was the worst thing to have happened to all three of them, but then the first guy interrupts "Chunks is the name of my dogโ
CannonEyes ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:45:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I ain't never been so frisky in my damn life
jdubya9 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:09:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ, Ricky
kaisserds ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:13:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont remember that episode of The Wire
lightheat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:50:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thin line between heaven and here
Antitheistic10 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:30:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Decent!
sonny_skies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Amazing Jonathan!
upsidedownbackwards ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:49:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd always heard it as a parent that was disappointed that they caught their kid blowing bubbles in the backyard again.
Bubbles is their dog.
dearly_decrpit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trying to think of a good enough TPB reference
ZombieAlienNinja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:26:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always told it this way. What's the dirtiest thing you can do at a clown party? Blow bubbles.
arch_rival ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:50:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this joke as a kid and it had a better set up IMO:
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A pig fell in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
The pig took a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the pig next door.
MisterMcGiggles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Amazing Johnathan is one of my favorite comedians of all time.
Byizo ยท 23751 points ยท Posted at 20:55:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
WestCoastHopHead ยท 2744 points ยท Posted at 22:11:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one. It's just so much fun to say.
BlackMetalBanjo ยท 694 points ยท Posted at 00:37:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love thith one. Ith tho much fun to thay
Master_GaryQ ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 00:58:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thettle down, Mike
BlackMetalBanjo ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:01:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My name ith thhheven.
karmisson ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:08:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
www.nowkith.com
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:34:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now kith
Twitstein ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:30:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Girl goes to her GP for a checkup.
GP places his stethoscope and says, 'Big breaths'.
Girl replies, ' Yeth. And I'm only thixtheen.'
smac_down ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:09:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And now I get the original joke. Thank you.
BlackMetalBanjo ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:25:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thertainly
andy8452 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:26:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thun?
BlackMetalBanjo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:48:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeth?
andy8452 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:26:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:D
TheFart_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tried saying this three times and realized how difficult it was to say "to" instead of "thoo"
Brap_Zanigan ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:23:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's There?
Panther
Panther Who?
Panther no panth I'm going thwimming!
WestCoastHopHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a classic. Thank you for sharing
Oparon ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:52:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who wath the athhole who put an eth in lithp
A5pyr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:40:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You could never lie about having a lithp.
Virtuoso1980 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:41:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thay. Ithโs more fun to thay.
throwawayLouisa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:47:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In days of yore
A god named Thor
Went riding on his filly
"I'm Thor!" he cried!
The horse replied:
"You've forgotten your thaddle, thilly!"
WestCoastHopHead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:54:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nith. Yet another lithp joke Iโve thadly mithed.
asdyess ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:06:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now kith
P2XTPool ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it because it works perfectly in Norwegian as well!
To sink - รฅ senke
To think - รฅ tenke
An iceberg - et isfjell
Hvordan tenker du det utenkelige? Med et ithfjell
wazzledudes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:45:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's another fun one to say and also one of my favorite jokes:
Hey! I found out how to tell the gender of an ant and all you need is a bucket of water. If you drop an ant in and it sinks, girl ant. If you drop an ant in and it floats, boy-ant.
silverbean ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I just want to conquer people and their thouls"
meep_meep_creep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rolth right off the thong.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The thong, thong-thong, thong thong
oicnow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Physicist's Assistant
BarnMcDanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a clathic!
futurespice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:39:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
only works with some dialects of English though
electricity_is_life ยท 976 points ยท Posted at 00:33:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a dilbert:
"I hear you went to Yale?"
"I yust got out last week"
BenjaminGeiger ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 02:13:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd heard it as
"Where'd you study law?"
"Yale."
"Ah, I went to Harvard! What's your name, son?"
"Yerry Yackson."
dlee2137 ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 02:49:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites growing up:
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
Followed by:
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it too!
frappuccinio ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:15:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck my dad love that joke. Said it all the time lol.
Coedwig ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works very well in a Swedish accent since Swedes tend to replace j by y.
Achw3l ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:39:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also, the guy in the Dilbert strip is called Sven, which is a Swedish name
PM_ME_MAMMARY_GLANDS ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:36:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dilbert is criminally underrated.
HoneyBastard ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:46:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It is hard to enjoy it when you think about the asshole creating it
huehuemul ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:44:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's wrong with him?
titterbug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's an alt-righter.
He self-identifies as a libertarian, but he does believe that men are downtrodden, Clinton supporters might kill him for endorsing Trump, and he himself would totally make a good politician. He has also used fake Reddit accounts to argue with people that badmouth him.
bino420 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:10:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So he says he's libertarian and you don't believe him? I don't get how he can state his political affiliation, yet you somehow seem to know his beliefs better than him so label him differently.
This is literally the same as saying, "well, Bob from the office says he identifies as a woman, but he doesn't know who he is! I'm still going to use 'he' and 'him' cause I've only seen him as a man and will unless he 100% transitions. Pfft, I know Bob better than he knows himself."
It's all spectrums - from political affiliations and beliefs to sexually - and it's not your place to lump people into rigid categories. A person themselves know best where they sit on spectrums. And it's especially horrible when you don't even personally know the person you're categorizing.
titterbug ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 10:19:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So what is wrong with him, then?
KingdaToro ยท 1010 points ยท Posted at 22:58:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you say "It'th very thimple. With an itheberg." people tend to understand it more often.
Viperpaktu ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 01:27:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I'm still not getting the joke. :(
DragonMeme ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 01:34:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is demonstrating that the speaker has a lisp.
How do you sink the unsinkable? With an iceberg.
PenguinSlushie ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 01:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I needed help with that one. Thank you!
triq23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I STILL don't get it xD :(
PenguinSlushie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:22:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As u/DragonMeme pointed out, you'll have to say it verbally with a lisp to see it. So sink with a lisp is "think" and unsinkable is "unthinkable". It doesnt seem to be a joke that transfers to paper very well.
kiradotee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:32:47 on June 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And, just to add to that, iceberg with a lisp is "itheberg". ๐
InvideoSilenti ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:53:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thank God. I never get some of these jokes when written.
Viperpaktu ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:44:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oohhh. My brain refused to replace th with the s sound for ithberg (but read every other word with a lisp), so I kept trying to figure out wtf an ithberg is.
Laimbrane ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:08:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think part of the problem is that "ithberg" looks like the leading i should be a short sound instead of a long sound.
AIGOOOMONA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still dont get it. How does an iceberg sink the unsinkable
Tattycakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Titanic
iamfuturejesus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:34:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it. How does a titanic sink the unsinkable
ManyPoo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:45:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.... The sink is unsinkable because the iceberg is not the Titanic
Tattycakes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:03:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol okay. The titanic was heralded as an unsinkable ship. It sank. Because it hit an iceberg.
choleyhead ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:36:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the whole joke the "th" is suppose to be an "s"; the joke is written in lisp form and is not limited to the punch line.
jaybram24 ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 00:28:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. This is what helped my brain understand it.
BadAtMostThings ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:59:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey I need you to write my jokes for me please
onewordnospaces ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are ya, bad at everything you try?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:29:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
prarus7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read his comment in a chicago-esque accent, idk why but it's fucking hilarious
GetOffMyBus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:32:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I must be having a stroke or something because I'm understanding about 50% of these jokes so far
Edit: for anyone else having trouble
"How do you think(sink) the unthinkable(unsinkable)... with an ithberg(iceberg)"
Read with a lisp
fakeprewarbook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also relies on the reader understanding the story of the Titanic - both that it was called โunsinkableโ and that it struck an iceberg.
Itโs a good clean joke that trades on some pretty common knowledge, and itโs a smart joke - not highbrow, but clever.
GypsyPunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still donโt get it
AwfulMosquito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
10+ mins I just got it
Dsnahans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Explain it to me please I'm so lost
KingdaToro ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:00:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You pretend to have a lisp, where you say "th" when you mean to say "s". So you're "trying" to say "How do you sink the unsinkable? With an iceberg". But since you're faking a lisp, you instead say "How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg".
The joke is that since "think the unthinkable" is a perfectly valid phrase, one won't realize you "have a lisp" until you say "itheberg", which is not an actual word.
Dsnahans ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:02:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my goodness, thank you. I was just here repeating "I the berg" over and over trying to make since of it
KingdaToro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, like a lot of jokes it only really works when you say it. Like the one where you ask what's black and white and red all over, it's a newspaper, because you're not actually saying red, you're saying "read" in the past tense.
ManyPoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it
joesbeforehoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It'th very thimple, click the moth!
The12Ball ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Daffy Duck it
PPIIBBSS ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 02:08:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eh. I don't pander to morons
LukaCat ยท 1167 points ยท Posted at 22:31:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go-to joke and I can't help but giggle like a child every time. Then I have to stop giggling and explain the joke 70% of the time.
Edit: It's very possible that I'm just a very bad joke teller.
bdiggles ยท 145 points ยท Posted at 22:49:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i don't get it
KingdaToro ยท 436 points ยท Posted at 22:57:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's saying "sink the unsinkable" with a lisp, but you don't realize it until the punchline.
supercool898 ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 00:25:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you so much for explaining this. I think it would be a great joke in person, but isn't as great when you are reading it
enrique37 ยท 103 points ยท Posted at 00:41:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about that. Just said it to my girlfriend, explained it to her and then she told me I should be ashamed of myself
stonedsaswood ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 00:52:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More data. Told it to my fiance. She got it when i said it back faster but didnt laugh nearly as hard as i did.
cdsackett ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife doesn't give a shit about this joke. I'm thoroughly disappointed in her.
enrique37 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They just don't appreciate the humour in this thread. Many made me laugh but when I read them to her, she sighed.
stonedsaswood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:16:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try forwaring some joey diaz comedy to her... i will be crying laughing and she will give me the stink eye. STAY BLACK COCKSUCKAS
Raidoton ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:49:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then it should be "ithberg".
BeadyEyed123 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:53:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ith rhymes with
onewordnospaces ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:18:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
With what?
Havroth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rymes with with
BeadyEyed123 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, those two words don't rhyme at all.
Dan4t ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it.
AConserv ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 00:57:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is this even a joke?
MrPoopybuttholeC-137 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:10:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You must still not get it
onewordnospaces ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:19:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably never heard of the Titanic.
AConserv ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No I donโt
JM-Rie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:33:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iceberg
MrPoopybuttholeC-137 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:55:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The titanic was known as 'the unsinkable ship' and it ended up getting sunk by crashing into an iceberg. So in the joke when it says 'think the unthinkable', it's actually 'sink the unsinkable' but said with a lisp, which you don't realise until the punchline. Also, 'itheberg' is kinda funny just because it's fun to say lol.
AConserv ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:53:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But why say it with a lisp?
MrPoopybuttholeC-137 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:15:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've explained it but I can't make you understand it, sorry man.
ApuFromTechSupport ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:19:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just thay it like Mike Tython would
paterfamilias78 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:10:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, let me try:
My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart, I want to eat your children.
JM-Rie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"But was that your longest fight?"
Dr0id1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same
likezoinksscooby-doo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:32:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love it so much when people laugh at their own jokes. 100% of the time I start laughing with them because it's just so good. You do you man.
Hipoltry ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:38:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So youโre like my mother.. Breaks into laughter about 5 words into the joke. By the time she finishes, the joke isnโt even remotely funny, but everyone is dying of laughter from watching her trying to compose herself, and then at how much that lame joke made her laugh..
Teague-McPhearson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it
onewordnospaces ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:21:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
here, literally a post on the same layer of the thread as your post.
duffer_dev ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:07:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People are like itheberg. Only the 30% are on top.
Swaggajuice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:49:44 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it :(
weedful_things ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
30% of the time, it works every time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I'm in that 70%.
Can you explain, please?
mtwstr ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:57:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
Markantilism ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:01:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Will do
LukaCat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a joke about the Titanic, aka the unsinkable ship. Replace all the 'th' sounds with 's' sounds and voila
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:39:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Thanks!
I find it mildly funny. Iโm more into different kind of humor, I guess.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:06:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's definitely true.
Also, I think there are different types of humour, right? Which category do you think jokes fall into? I don't know how to explain but I always find jokes less funny. It's not that I don't get it. I kind of like dry or sarcastic or self-deprecating humour. Makes sense?
A_kind_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What about dry, sarcastic, or self deprecating jokes?
Saucepanmagician ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like you're gonna have to dump 70% of your friends.
[deleted] ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 01:00:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
wolfdog410 ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 01:15:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke teller is actually asking "How to you sink the unsinkable? With an iceberg." But with a lisp it will sound like "How to you think the unthinkable". Both "think" and "unthinkable" are obviously real words, so it's not revealed that the teller has a lisp until you hear the punchline, "itheberg."
It doesn't work as well in text. I was reading "ithberg" as rhyming with "myth berg" at first, which ruins the joke.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:52:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh that's clever.
paPAneta ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:07:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I pronounced it as ith-uh-berg.
Charboo2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:09:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too
Travy93 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:06:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thanks
charliebeanz ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:14:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a lot like my kid's favorite joke, which goes:
Q: How do you top a car?
A: 'Tep on the brake, 'tupid.
LetsWorkTogether ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:16:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TUPID
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:10:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SonicZentropy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:07:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't even get it until I read this, and I'm old
Ak_publius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except Hollywood will probably remake it 40 times and add a few more sequels.
TooPrettyToDie ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:09:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way...
Spm22 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:56:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was my go-to as well, until I had a coworker with a lisp. Now I struggle not to say it.
notgayinathreeway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just say it, I'm sure he won't care
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:26:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No one ever gets this one when I use it.
lazyloader ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:13:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL... totally didn't get it until I said it out loud... then I was crying laughing
VulgerUlcer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:39:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tried that and Iโm still not catching on
Edit to spoil it:
How do you sink the unsinkable
lazyloader ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
replace "th" with "s"
TheMadmanAndre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ENTPrenuer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:55:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe Iโm an idiot but I donโt get it
SausageSupplier ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:17:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lisp. Think thinkable. Replace with sink sinkable. Iceberg ithberg
gosclo_mcfarpleknack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:21:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of...
"How do you top a car?"
"Tep on the brake, tupid!"
bryceguy72 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:10:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay Mike.
puppetlord ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jeez that took me awhile.
Psychotic_Precision ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Mike Tyson
hippydipster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
6.5 seconds till "got". Fucking hilarious.
Luis707 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day!
airdog2000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant: https://youtu.be/rg0fmaCSDPg
bambi2203 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Favourite. Joke. Ever.
wilhelmtell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/gmOTpIVxji8
ThunderPumpkin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:06:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the Berlitz commercial.
PlaceboJesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the kind of joke an Igor would tell.
DoctorAcula_42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read by Mike Tyson
LOU-Caconym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too soon!
jimmifli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What are thinking?"
singeblanc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Think!
Or thwim...
prince_of_gypsies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HAHAHA- took me a minute.
trolleyhop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.
Coffeearing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one that actually made me laugh a little.
DALinProgress ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid.
jastah25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is gold
ADHD_Supernova ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!redditthilver
SharperSpruce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/shubreddit
AlexRagesGames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/thubreddit
KindledAF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have slight accent, canโt do this one.
baccus83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot say this with a straight face goddamn it.
Brock_Samsonite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a beautiful enthymeme.
StaRxBucks162 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just shared this with my wife from the toilet, laughing like a crazy person. She wasn't amused. So, thanks I guess.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great now my wife is staring because Iโm sitting here whispering ...itheberg... to myself and giggling.
Glassjaww ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife was having a serious conversation with my mom about her disabled aunt and I just burst out laughing. Thanks /u/Byizo. Now my wife thinks Iโm an asshole!
peterxgriffin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rumor has it Mike Tython wrote this joke
TeleTwin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you top a car? Tep on the brake, tupid.
crooks4hire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know Mike Tyson was on Reddit
TalenGTP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mike Tyson, is that you?
NutsnDolts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vargo Hoat is that you?
ramsee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always imagine Mike Tyson telling this joke
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ohhhhh baaadddd
Suffabetes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hello who is this?" "Dishes Sean Connery"
Woolly_Wonka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy canoli this is great!
blackhawkjj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now kith
I_really_just_cant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of the joke where a ship is in distress off the coast of Germany. They radio the German coast guard, โHelp! Help! Weโre sinking.โ The coast guard radio operator replies, โVell, vat are you sinking about?โ
lightrusher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have re read this multiple times. Still donโt understand. Send help.
inquiring_a_bit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this one:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Panther
Panther who?
Panther no panth I'm goin' thwimmin.
Captainloozer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks mike
ben-ito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That doesn't work in Germany.
WilloniousFunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thufferin Thuccotash
RidiculousIncarnate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad used to tell us this one along with,
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
Aikrose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tried to tell my SO this one and started laughing by โtheโ After I said โunthinkableโ I was in tears
Iโm not good at telling jokes.
MyRealAccount- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:45:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?
Meth'd up
aqualink4eva ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That joke works better depending on how you pronounce the word think. If you pronounce the โthโ with your tongue between your teeth then the joke makes more sense.
quackycoaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read this out loud... once I said thing the unthinkable, I automatically switched to a Mike Tyson voice for the punch line...
mr_loveboat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work that well with a german accent.
CaughtInDireWood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is also my go-to. Very simple, and takes people a second to think it through.
shinypretty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:34 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God damn you, Bernice!
Okay, actually that made me laugh. Take the arrow.
Guac__is__extra__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:46:58 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminded me of this: https://youtu.be/yR0lWICH3rY
perb123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:52 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mike Tython would like a word with you.
DirkGentlys_DNA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:17 on April 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German here - I donโt get it! Zink ze unzinkable?
Enviy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hire Samuel L Jackson to tell you... that was such a bad movie haha
AlaskanWolf ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:37:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You thought Kingsman was a bad movie? You're honestly the first person I've ever heard who has said that.
Enviy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha no he was in a movie called Unthinkable and Sam L delivers this line โwhat Iโm going to have to do is ...unthinkableโ.
dark-ink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was confused for a minute with this one because I pronounce "think" more like "thank" (Southern accent).
40inmyfordfiesta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same.. do other people say it like theenk?
notgayinathreeway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thit down in our thinkin chair and think
thelotusknyte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I retarded?
sodope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwoning.
notgayinathreeway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke out below, I'm falling.
stuckintriangle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i dont get it :(
Dioxid3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In case you missed the original explanation: it doesnt work well in text. Its supposed to be a play on words through lisp. "How do you sink the unsinkable? With an iceberg" turns into "How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg"
tigersharkwushen_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Guitar46 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:46:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best one on this thread.
DrRaveNinja ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:36:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
omg hahahahaha i can't wait to tell this one to literally everyone I've ever met.
Ulti ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:03:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god this took me way too long to get.
Sneathy ยท 20580 points ยท Posted at 20:03:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
60% of the time, it works every time
radicalelation ยท 9620 points ยท Posted at 23:19:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you can pull a Mickey voice, it's 100x better too.
EDIT: I've never let my voice loose on the internet, so please be gentle. Recorded my go of it.
EDIT2: Oh boy, has this been a confidence boost. Maybe I'll get back my recording equipment I loaned out and give voice work a proper try like I've always wanted. I let my anxiety get the better of me before, but... I think I'll do something about it now. Thank you. You're all totally awesome.
ThaiJohnnyDepp ยท 1391 points ยท Posted at 00:36:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the South Park episode taught me that the key is to throw in a little giggle hohoh! every now and then
zefy_zef ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:27:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I found out I have a pretty solid Micky after that episode.
ThaiJohnnyDepp ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:22:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to practice that "OH, BOY!" in public
SkierBeard ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:01:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The jonas brothers learned an important lesson that day.
ThaiJohnnyDepp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:22:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said, DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM!
no, mister mouse...
marino1310 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:57:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at a tire shop and the guys I worked with would randomly do that "hohoh" laugh and it would set off a chain reaction of 14 guys just shouting "hohoh" in the garage. I miss that place.
ThaiJohnnyDepp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's hilarious.
Morella_xx ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 01:49:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget the "what a terrific audience."
Rogersgirl75 ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 02:40:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs Jimmys thing though. Thy do have episodes with The Mouse and he does the little haha
Dank-Boi69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:00:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You mean โWow what a terrific audienceโ
TehBlackNinja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can I get a "w-what what"?
beebeethebulldog ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:21:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wasn't this Family Guy?
spreanman1123 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:50:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah it was from the South Park episode with the Jonas brothers
ShaunDark ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:47:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Multiple South Park episodes, including that one, as well as Obama Wins!
beebeethebulldog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh yah.
hapes ยท 1257 points ยท Posted at 01:40:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the record, the voice work there was excellent. Clear diction, excellent use of changes in voice to signify the speaker, good volume, not a lot of background noise, solid delivery of the joke, I give it a 9.325 out of 10.
radicalelation ยท 354 points ยท Posted at 01:51:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funnily enough that goes against what I've been told about my regular speaking voice all my life. "Quit being so monotone", "Stop mumbling", "Speak up!", "Why do you only talk in front of loud fans, sirens, and white noise machines?!"
Things are finally looking up!
Really though, thank you. I've always had shit self-esteem when it comes to my voice, to where speaking in voice chat in online games is near crippling, and yet I love making voices, putting on characters... I'm just usually the only one in the audience. I'll happily take criticism, but positive feedback feels pretty nice, so thanks.
dylanlucia ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 02:06:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude Iโd kill for your voice
AdmiralSkippy ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:01:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe that's how he got it?
srhine ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:28:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Highlander!
Squirmble ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 02:19:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a crush on the sound of your voice. Female hormones are ridiculous. :|
saysomethingcrazy ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 02:25:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same! This voice just seems like itโs a really handsome guy attached to it.
radicalelation ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 03:23:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gosh, I hope so.
radicalelation ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:54:15 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, now that things have died down, since I'm not out for a mass fishing expedition, I want to know your opinion look-wise
https://i.imgur.com/HEezqHe.jpg
You're the only one who explicitly said a handsome guy could be attached, so I explicitly want your feedback. Partners and family of course say I look alright, but I just want a random, unbiased opinion.
Variability ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:06 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smile for pictures dude.
radicalelation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:45:27 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're right, I should. I would get made fun of when smiling for my screwy teeth when I was a kid and not smiling is a habit I've been trying to break forever.
likezoinksscooby-doo ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:34:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
radicalelation ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:22:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh wowee! I dunno what to say! I think I'm flattered.
Tilwaen ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 09:27:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just say something!
sendokbebek ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:54:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Count me in.
jdlevrec ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 02:09:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your normal voice sounds like a great reading voice. You should read books on tape!
23423423423451 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:04:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some voices just go better on a mic and some better in person. If you ever feel like a radical career change or part time hobby, voice acting/audio book reading could definitely be in the books for you.
radicalelation ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:13:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always wanted to give vocal work a try, but, again, the prospect has always been crippling for whatever reason.
Just all this has made a huge difference in how I feel about it though.
SingingLaLaLaLaLa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For a second there, I actually thought I was listening to NPR when I first opened your voice clip. Definitely consider it!
PM_ME_FUN_STORIES ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:43:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any interest in DnD? It's a good outlet to make goofy/different voices, especially if you're DMing, and it only ever improves the experience for your players!
radicalelation ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:03:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I DM'd a lot in boarding school, but I never really made friends since so... rusty at the whole social thing, let alone DMing thing.
PM_ME_FUN_STORIES ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, understandable. If you ever want to pick it up again, DMs are always in demand! You can use roll20 (a website) if you don't want to be in person, or you can swing by a local game shop if you have any near you, a bunch host game night type things. It'd be a good way to get back into social gatherings! You don't even have to run or participate in a game, a lot of groups are pretty cool with having an observer :)
radicalelation ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:46:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe I'll do that. My world has been feeling smaller and smaller every day, and I need to stop waiting on something else happening to open it up again. Thanks, friend!
PM_ME_FUN_STORIES ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:33:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime, my dude! Good luck with everything, it's gonna be really fun for you getting back into it :) just test the waters with a group, if you don't like them, move to another! Simple as that. Hope things go well for ya!
jasonrubik ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:11:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think we're in the same boat. A tiny boat of a world, in a vast sea of possibilities
Evystigo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:31:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Normally I'm pretty good at constructive criticism but there's nothing I can think of. I'd recommend narrating like that other guy said. 4.7892/7 voice
sterlingcartman6969 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:28:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Overally, well done on the constructive criticism of his criticism. I give you 2.3946/3.5 criticism
Stalthdan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:43:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good, 1/2
sterlingcartman6969 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
K .5/1
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:50:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have a great voice!!
Major_T_Pain ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:11:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, the literal first thought I had when I heard you was "holy shit....his voice is angelic". You've got the goods man.
orilly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:11:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have such a nice voice! I actually really like your normal speaking voice.
SashaTheBOLD ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:54:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would it have taken for him to have earned a 9.326?
hapes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deductions were assessed due to the quality of his Mickey Mouse impersonation. It was good but not astounding.
howe_to_win ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:03:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot
hapes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol, I'm not a bot. I'm a Russian propag...OH CRAP I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT THEY'RE TAKING ME AWAY TO THE GULAG! SAVE ME FELLOW HUMAN!
TheNovaProspect ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:40:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4/7 with rice. Thank you for your suggestion.
gibeaut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't the best Mickey voice impression though. Clear otherwise.
hapes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't give him a perfect 10, after all.
ReadsStuff ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 00:29:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's about 80x better if you can't, but still try.
dr1fter ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 00:43:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I laughed a little when my dad told me this joke years ago, and now you're telling me I can do it 8000x better?
I... I'm gunna quit my day job.
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 00:34:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ItsEthereal ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:40:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can you record yourself and link a video? My impression made me feel embarrassed even though I'm alone.
radicalelation ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 01:16:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's me giving it a whirl.
I'm an anxious mess when it comes to my voice though, for whatever reason, so this is the first time I've done something like this and had anyone hear.
NicoleIsMyUncle ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 01:23:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is perfect.
criuggn ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:27:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is great!
kiloSAGE ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:34:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is awesome man!
foxyskies ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:52:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your voice sounds nice (:
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:43:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was really good!
Dondondondon ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:41:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is fantastic!
Leafy81 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:48:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You do a damn good Mickey.
nedusmustafus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:54:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me gusta
Trust_Me_Im_Batman ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:12:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was awesome!
amloc ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. Amazing.
EDIT: I didn't expect the lawyer's voice as well!
MSPaints2Request ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:23:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like your voice. You should do a radio show or something.
Trebiemander ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:59:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't remember why it started, but my boyfriend and I have an inside joke where we use the Mickey voice to say "Pull the trigger, Piglet!" And it cracks us up every time.
Altorrin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe from Uptown Goof? Actually, probably not.
RoachOnATree0116 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your voice is NPR quality.
beardlesshipster ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:00:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You shouldโve done that little laugh at the end
huhHUH
fatkidseatcake ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:10:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bruh... podcast voice worthy
mattmonkey24 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:25:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have to be gentle. Your voice is like one from the golden gods. The narrators voice is great, something I wouldn't mind watching a ton of youtube videos or podcasts or audiobooks. The lawyer's voice is maybe a little over the top, but amazing. The mickey voice is alright but definitely way better than anything I could have pulled off.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:29:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yep. My friends couldnโt stop laughing.
metyuadem ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:38:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's how I tell it.
SmokinPolecat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:54:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is his lawyer the illegitimate child of Alan Alda and Mel Brooks?
ajstar1000 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:05:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit you're voice is amazing. Like I wouldn't mind if you were the narrator for my Audiobooks
The_Immoral_God ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:53:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had high expectations, I'm impressed.
You sound like a paid voice actor.
radicalelation ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:19:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's some high praise, thank you!
Mithridates12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:06:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
While I really like what you did there with the different voices, I have no clue how good it is objectively. What I can say, though, is that your normal voice is very pleasant to listen to.
ConfuzedAndDazed ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:39:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha-ha!
ifoughtpiranhas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:27:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you have a very nice speaking voice.
pr3cis3Wais ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:05:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Try CBD hemp oil. Works fantastically for anxiety and doesnโt get you โhighโ
radicalelation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've wondered if that'd help. I've accidentally over-smoked high THC stuff and it kinda fucked me up. My mom gave me some CBD oil for sleep, and boy was that a relaxing way to nod off... and I have some high CBD, low THC pot for the occasional chill time, but I've never actually tried it to medicate my social anxieties.
MiniBandGeek ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:53:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo, your lawyer voice sounds like the coach in 50% off! Example
I thought for sure it was a dead match at first lollll. If you want to try and get voice work, there's plenty of places to find it, though I'll recommend behind the voice actors' casting call.
radicalelation ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, I didn't realize that wasn't unintentionally funny at first. I'm going to have to watch all of that now, that was hilarious.
Thank you for the link, that looks like an awesome resource.
TheMentaLiz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:55:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your Mickey voice is great, but my favorite part is that the lawyer sounds like Larry David.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:24:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
radicalelation ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:38:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Think about it? No. I'd have no personal qualms doing it though.
I know the smutty world can pay decently for art and other things, does the same go for vocals?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:43:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
radicalelation ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:08:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll let you be the judge of if I'm ready for such a career.
ImmortanJoe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:03:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was it just me or were you going for a - er - Jewish lawyer type of voice?
FequalsMfreakingA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:14:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The best part was how you also took enough care to make the lawyer Jewish
Pepito_Pepito ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:47:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Featuring Larry David as the lawyer.
pokepuns11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:26:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing voice recording!
Sandakada ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:23:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing! Of course you made the lawyer Jewish xp
linwail ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:53:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahah I love it
TurnchFlukey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is amazing!
jeaguilar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's terrific.
Turbo_MechE ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's fantastic
Sinnedangel8027 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beautifully done
eatmyazzhole ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wow, ur impression is spot on m8!
jetteroshannon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn dude, you killed it!
rararaknee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:01:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, you get a damn good +1 from me๐๐ฝ
Ciceros_Left_Nut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fukin beautiful
AZBeer90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And thus began Radicalelation's illusustrious audiobook voiceover career.
ilybb14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, this fucking made my day!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:13:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
haha well done dude
naytttt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:17:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spectacular
Cpt__Marvel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:18:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Incredible. Absolutely incredible.
restlessmonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awesome!!!!
AmericanHoneycrisp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:48:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever thought of recording audiobooks? Iโd listen to you all day long!
radicalelation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks! A few people have said this too so now I wonder... how would one go about doing this?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nice job mickey
Danulas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude! I know you've gotten a ton of compliments already but that was amazing! You definitely have talent!
Nimbus2017 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was awesome
tiff6295 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so fucking hard at this. Great job man
jrrhea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Loved it! Go for it!
marksills ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:06:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey's voice and the Jewish stereotype is a Walt Disney wet dream
CaptLongbeard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've got a nice podcast voice
fellintoadogehole ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg thats so good. Well done!
techmaster242 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn now I want to hear Mickey Mouse telling the Aristocrats joke.
Jellorage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have one of those voices that are just extremely pleasing to listen to. Yes, even the Mickey part.
churninbutter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn dude thatโs really good. And trust me Iโm not just saying that.
rylie_smiley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. My. God. This is gold! Iโm saving this because I need to listen to it again whenever I need a good laugh or to smile
pentakiller19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:34:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Very nice
AkaBesd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:44:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, i do a mean mickey voice, but now i want to try it out reversed, with Minnie's voice.
Edit: after some experimentation, I've decided Minnie's voice isn't distinctive enough.
ManWithYourPlan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:44:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaaaand yeah it's time for bed.
Thanks for this, good note to end on.
Leafs9999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do it!!
MaxBoom93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fantastic work!
nickburgess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:09:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The voice is spot on man and maybe I have shitty hearing but I feel like if you made the voice go up instead of down when you say Goofy's name it would be even better. Kind of give it a more angry/exasperated feel.
radicalelation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I totally agree. I got anxious and just said fuck it and threw it out as is, because if I kept fretting over delivering it just right then I probably would've never actually saved and shared it. It's what's happened every other time I've wanted to do something like that.
nickburgess ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's great though. I wish I could do voices like that. I have too much of a southern accent that I can't seem to drop. Not like Larry the Cable Guy bad but it's pretty easy to find out the part of the country I'm from. The accent is stronger in most of my family. I think heavily consuming more neautrul accented media helped water it down but not eliminate it.
all-the-puppies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're the best kind of person! Thanks for sharing!
MyMastersMuse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:29:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow that was actually really really good!
Janethemane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god dude that delivery is perfect! I am crying over here ๐
Rytho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:54:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've got voice talent
El_Profesore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:26:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was a very professional delivery, excellent voice work. Hard to believe you are an amateur!
sokratesz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:16:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
10/10
JoshSellsGuns ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:12:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
god damn ur voice boi
nut
Maximus_Gainius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:14:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, very good.
Killerhurtz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:01:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh. Can you do other voices? That was REALLY good.
Valyrian_Tinfoil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:09:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude that was perfect. Iโm so jelly
cradrrat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:15:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant!
elee0228 ยท 936 points ยท Posted at 21:31:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got me with this one.
cicadaenthusiat ยท 654 points ยท Posted at 21:36:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke of their own at the end ruined it for me.
Reddidiot20XX ยท 279 points ยท Posted at 21:55:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/comedyhomicide
dynam0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
more like suicide
vivivox ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:39:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not their joke, it's from the Anchorman.
axf_ ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 23:46:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but it was an addition that wasnโt required and therefore the joke fizzled out on a less funny note instead of ending on the punchline.
vivivox ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:49:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't disagree with you there.
dr1fter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:42:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but you don't say that part when you tell the joke. u/Sneathy merely answered the question, and made the (somewhat obvious) observation that this is less "never-fail" than some of the other top comments.
GOD IT'S LIKE EXPLAINING THE JOKE BUT TWICE AS TERRIBLE.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
YM_Industries ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:28:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's related to the joke being a never-fail joke. 60% of the time, it never fails. It's not part of the joke. (The joke is blockquoted so if you're using a good Reddit client the boundary should be obvious)
RabidSeason ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't their joke!
B3yondL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was too busy cracking up after the joke to even notice the last line.
Sweetdreams6t9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I chuckled.
[deleted] ยท 415 points ยท Posted at 22:27:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke even has its own animation.
death__lord ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:53:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky it wasn't this goofy
ConfusedMascot ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:48:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A-Hyuck I'll Fucking Do it again
invisiblezipper ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:29:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You think that's bad, he's also an unrepentant copyright violator.
DEvilleFIN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:24:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hans Van Harker is great.
zazathebassist ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:26:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best version of this joke.
PM_meyour_closeshave ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus I just wanted to hear Mickey say the punch line, Iโm not ready to settle down and watch a Peter Jackson marathon
Jerrymeyers11 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:40:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it kinda ruins the punchline since we have already seen her having sex with Goofy. The punchline is just following the narrative.
shamelessnameless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's the one i saw
Vrael22 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:43:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is amazing
Loorrac ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:05:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This got me good
penguinopusredux ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:11:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was Snow White fired from Disneyland?
For riding Pinocchio's face shouting "Lie you bastard, lie!"
dr1fter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:44:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh Pinocchio, tell me lies"
IReadOutComments ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:32:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read out your comment! If you don't like it or want me to take it down, just let me know. But I hope you'll enjoy!
(Hey, /u/radicalelation, how did I do?)
Sneathy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:12:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, that's amazing!! I'll be keeping that
radicalelation ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, I'd been considering making an account like yours for a long while to try to get over my anxiety of people hearing my voice.
You did awesome, how's mine?
IReadOutComments ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:34:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's fantastic! I love it! You should do it, if you like it. Hey, maybe if we both go around Reddit doing it, it will become as regular as posting gifs!
I really made mine because I like doing voices, but I have bad vocal control. Just after ten or so minutes my throat will start hurting and I'll have to stop for hours or a whole day. So I know I'll never be a voice actor, but I like doing it. So this was something where I could work on it and get a little feedback. If you've looked at my profile, you'll see I haven't utilized it as much as I should have.
simplyarduus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:45:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't this be "silly"?
a3cite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:05:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I was a bit distracted by that.
SoxxoxSmox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ga-hoik
Sneathy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If that isn't the most accurate thing I've ever read
Dgc2002 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:47:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Detective: Mickey, I've got bad news and I've got worse news.
Detective: The bad news is that the piss used to write "fuck you" in the snow outside your house was in fact Goofy's.
Mickey: Oh no, whats the worse news?!
Detective: it was in Mini's handwriting.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:54:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You made me go from the top floor of the library to the bottomest one.
dr1fter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:44:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You... experienced this joke on so many levels?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
execute laughter.exe again
Asmor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey wakes up one fresh winter morning and opens his blinds, only to see that someone's written "FUCK YOU!" in the snow with piss.
Mickey calls the police and they investigate. The next day, the detective phones up Mickey. "Well, Mickey, I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is, we've determined that the urine is your best friend Goofy's."
"Oh god", Mickey says, "That's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting is Minnie's."
Swashcuckler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Face down ass up that's how we like to hyuck
-Goofy
THISISDAM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:31 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder if Mickey buys Minnie mousepads once a month
SOwED ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:25:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the "Are you fucking Sorry?" joke.
dr1fter ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:45:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, yes, this is one of my most guaranteed laughs of all time but do you just bring that up whenever someone makes a joke?
SOwED ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:04:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was referring to a different joke:
Girl and her boyfriend are having sex when her dad comes home unexpectedly. Boyfriend is trying to hide in the closet when the dad walks in.
The girl stammers, "I-I'm sorry!"
The dad calmly responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dad," and, turning to the boyfriend, "Are you fucking Sorry?!"
dr1fter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:05:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice.
Golden_Spider666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm pretty sure you donโt really need a reason to divorce someone.
peekingduck123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, Mickey is married to Minnie?! You gotta be kidding me with that!
DonLaFontainesGhost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Especially when I do it with the Mickey voice
Blazefadays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sex panther!
amoyal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it better when it's Minnie who wants the divorce.
Rad-atouille ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to on dates
Jacksonteague ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Raggedy Ann jumped onto Pinnochioโs face and screamed โLie to me!โ
Sneathy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy Cake day!
Jacksonteague ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you good Sir!
uninc4life2010 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always knew Minnie was a hoe.
yoyodontgo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it as, "So you're divorcing Minnie because she was... extremely silly?"
"No," Mickey said, "she was fucking Goofy."
TimTebowMLB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice one Dad, I found your Reddit account!
IceStar3030 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That worked
demonslay3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/QJ5wptjuf90 Here's an animation that says the joke differently.
Famixofpower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Much drama between the disciples of the /r/onetruedonald
83hardik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
something doesn't quite fit...
SulfonicCobrahh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is on it's way to aging out and that makes me sad.
AllwaysConfused ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a huge Goofy fan, this is one of my favorite jokes ever!
Tyrion_Smith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bill Simmons claims to be the originator of this joke when he was 6.
Johnny5point6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:33 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can change that joke around too, maybe "I didn't say she was really weird" or "I didn't say she was super crazy" etc etc. Yeah....this might be the only joke I ever tell. Except I kinda milk it for awhile with some made up backstory.
BurningTimber8921 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:33:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the anchorman joke at the end
bloodysimpson ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 23:02:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have to upvote anchorman
Vertighost23 ยท 26327 points ยท Posted at 20:52:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the half blind man fall into a well?
He couldnโt see that well.
sameljota ยท 4755 points ยท Posted at 23:07:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't blind people clean up after their guide dogs' mess? Because they can't see shit.
MattyFTM ยท 1355 points ยท Posted at 23:16:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, but seriously, how do blind people clean up after their dogs? Are their dogs trained to point out their shit to their owner? Because that seems really weird, but I guess that's how it has to go.
I've never thought about this before but now I am having an existential crisis over this poor dog having to direct his owner to this massive turd he just did like some kind of walk of shame.
onewordnospaces ยท 207 points ยท Posted at 00:06:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most guide dogs are females so that they can urinate while squatting. When they urinate, the handler can tell because the dog's back is straight. When they poop, their back is curved. When the handler feels the curved back, they can equip their hand with the poop bag and guide it down to the back of the dog, who has been trained to not react to this. As the dog stands, the handler's hand is in very close proximity to said pile of shit. A few swiping motions and it is easily found.
At least that is what I heard a blind person say when they called into a morning radio show once.
Danimals847 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's always weird to me when people use "equip" outside the context of a video game.
Amazi0n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't it be easier to tell if they were males? The difference between lifting a leg and squatting would be a lot more noticeable
onewordnospaces ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would be. Again, this isn't from experience but from hearsay, so I can only speculate why females are preferred (if that is even accurate). I guess that when you have a service dog, especially a blind guide dog, there is an advantage to having a female that can simply hit the grass and squat to pee as opposed to leading you further from the path to find something to lift their leg at.
SOwED ยท 1340 points ยท Posted at 23:24:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to raise guide dogs (not to be confused with training guide dogs) and met some of the people my and other dogs wound up matched with. They tended to have severely impaired vision, like beyond just legally blind, but not to have literally no vision whatsoever.
I don't know if they train the dogs to point to it somehow, but the dogs are trained to more or less go on command, and if you know the direction the dog is oriented, you can tell pretty much right where it is. Also it is brown on green grass most of the time. Also it smells. And tastes shitty. So there are other ways to identify it.
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:02:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
honkhonkbeepbeeep ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:34:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is a total. She has her guide dog trained to go on a disposable pad thing she puts down.
SOwED ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 01:05:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please, please. African-American blind.
But yeah what you're saying is all legitimate.
gremah93 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 02:35:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase โI donโt see colorโ
IzarkKiaTarj ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:24:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit, I wanted to make that joke.
Herald-Mage_Elspeth ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:33:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I knew a guy who was completely blind with a guide dog. He was completely independent. Rode the bus everywhere. He didn't even have his dog with him all the time, sometimes he just used his cane. He couldn't see anything. I worked in a plasma donation place and he came in to donate 2 times a week.
mistrali2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me, I start to have heart palpitations (not literally) if I have any needle but those tiny ones. :/ There is no way in hell I could donate blood once a year, let alone twice a week. Also, maybe itโs just me, but that sounds like a lot of blood lol. Iโm sure itโs not really that much, and Iโm sure he got proper medical advice before doing it, but still.
You talk as if thatโs unusual. AFAIK itโs more common than not for blind people to be completely independent, especially if theyโre familiar with the places theyโre going to. Of course, it depends on where you live and what resources youโve got access to (public transport, shops, good roads and footpaths etc.). Google maps is an absolute godsend.
Source: have a vision impairment, was travel trained as a kid and now am fine with buses and trains, although am shit with directions unless I have a map in front of me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can donate plasma a lot more often than whole blood.
Herald-Mage_Elspeth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's plasma, not blood. The blood cells are returned to the donor so all that's taken is fluid with blood factors in it. You can donate 2 times in 7 days and all you need to do is drink a lot of water to replenish and eat a healthy diet.
I was responding to the comments about people who are totally blind having a helper with them. That's not true. They are perfectly capable of getting around by themselves.
mistrali2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:27 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, fair enough.
sarah-xxx ยท 160 points ยท Posted at 00:03:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeahhhh I don't know if they'll go for that as a method of identifying.
NORWAYISMYFAV ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:07:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You donโt know
SOwED ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:51:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Norway is my fav too!
[deleted] ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 00:07:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
gnargnar211 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:06:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously that shit ruins my day. And they think they are injecting more comedy. The worst.
OrangeTabbyTwinSis ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:20:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As opposed to you, brightening up the world with your charm and wit.
BearsWithGuns ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:49:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its fine, she shows her boobs on reddit. Just upvote.
Markantilism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Potatoe potatoe
Grolschisgood ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont know what that is
TheRealMcTurkey ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:57:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poh-tay-tohs!
Boil them, mash them, put them in a stew!
OrangeTabbyTwinSis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
precious
havron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Taste's very strange!
OrangeTabbyTwinSis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
polish Polish
Argenteus_CG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And at least half the time, they get tons of upvotes anyway...
gyarrrrr ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:27:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They do say that the other senses are heightened when you lose your vision.
lacheur42 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:06:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Settle down, Divine.
SOwED ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:53:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know who Divine is, but they sound nice.
lacheur42 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:06:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She's a drag queen who famously ate dog shit (for real) in a movie.
The more you KNOWWW
MayorBee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And she wore cha-cha heels!
MetaMetatron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which movie? Wikipedia didn't mention dog shit anywhere....
lacheur42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:12:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pink Flamingoes I believe.
uberschnitzel13 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:18:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg was not expecting this reference haha
Exvaris ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:31:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL shit tastes shitty.
Having never tasted shit, this is enlightening to me. Thanks!
SOwED ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:55:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before enlightenment, eat shit.
After enlightenment, eat shit.
mods-or-rockers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll just deposit this here.
Aoshie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good thing we didn't step in it!
you beat me to it
brainstorm42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:42:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really need to train my dog to, at the very least, bark when he goes. He likes running with me while I bike, and he's brought me to the ground many times because he just frickin stops dead on his tracks before pooping
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bitch hold on.
Tastes?!
SOwED ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it's that sense when you put something on your tongue.
lanesane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And tastes shitty...you donโt mean...no. Please god no.
SOwED ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:03:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ain't no god here. Just you, me, and a dog turd. What happens next is up to you.
MechanicalTurkish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit nutty.
Leafs9999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tastes shitty? You are taking your job way too seriously.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Being blind is a job?
Leafs9999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, they said that poop tastes shitty but prefaced it with, they raise guide dogs for trainers.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's me
Nex_Ultor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:13:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I also help raise (not train) guide dogs, and what weโre told to do is run our hand down the puppyโs pack when theyโre going to the bathroom because thatโs how a blind person would know if thereโs poop to pick up; the dog arches its back when pooping, but not when peeing.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, this is an actual non-shit-tasting way to do it.
KimJongIlSunglasses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I doubt they are tasting it.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You don't know.
HyperSpaceSurfer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I remember correctly the dog shits next to the blind person's foot. That way you'd just need to reach down to the same spot each time.
p00Pie_dingleBerry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can certainly identify dog poo with a single finger dip
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can tell it apart from grass or apart from other types of poo?
Scarlet944 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can tell you don't pick up much dog poo cuz there's hardly ever a time when it's
A. All in one place B. Sitting on top of the grass C. Not the same color as the dirt that grass grows on!
SOwED ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:00:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you miss the part about raising guide dogs? I picked up poo in stores.
Scarlet944 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Likely story
SOwED ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:25:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's only when they're young, but we take them to grass specifically.
If your dog's poo is literally as green as grass all the time, that's sort of worrying.
Some dogs walk and poop, but mine tended not to do so.
Throw-me-away-8921 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs dedication to picking up shit.
Left_Side_Driver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:01:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you raise dogs for G.E.B.?
SOwED ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:37:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, for GDB
duskpede ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โTastesโ ummm, excuse me? ๐ถ
grxcew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"And tastes shitty." I feel like there are a lot of other steps you could take before this one
SOwED ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But most of them would be into dog shit.
grxcew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lolol
sisepuede4477 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:11:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is your go to joke? I don't get it...
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a top level comment, so it doesn't have to respond to the OP. If you read what I was responding to, it should make more sense.
Also, it's not a joke; poop does taste shitty.
lazylion_ca ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:10:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cheech & Chong have some advice to share.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:02:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"and tastes shitty"
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"'and tastes shitty'"
See? I can just quote you too.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
good job. I'm not entirely sure why that is significant, and am probably just being an idiot. Enlighten me?
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
-IoI- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They definitely will, as a first choice. Don't be ableist.
widespreaddead ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:15:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like I read somewhere that they feel the dogs back and if it's arched they know it's number 2 and they also know which direction it is in and approx. where
wardrich ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno, there was a blind guy who used to walk his dog down a stretch of sidewalk I took to go to school, and it was a minefield if shits.
He'd just feign stupidity "Duke, what are you doing? Come on Duke!"
cptsteve21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude probably feigned being blind
wardrich ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:04:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Greatest long-con of all time. Except maybe the "what's a potato" guy on Reddit
cptsteve21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I must have missed that. I just got clued in on the rubber ducky guy yesterday so there's a whole weird world here.
Kerbobotat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:37:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rubber ducky guy?
CordialCord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, rubber ducky guy?
stargazercmc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:42:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Used to work with a blind guy with a guide dog. I was his reader. He would take the dog out for a โwalk,โ heโd turn a plastic baggie inside out in his hand, would grope around in the general vicinity of where the dog had stopped to do his business, and pick up the poop. Only rarely did he ever miss any that I saw.
24HatsofA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:43:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to raise guide dogs for the Guide Dog Foundation for the Blind. The dogs are trained to โbusyโ on command on concrete (not grass). This is mainly because many of these dogs end up in metropolitan areas where it is not always easy to find grass. In addition to this, however, it makes it easy to find the poop when they are finished! The handler is trained to run their hand down the back of the dog as they are โbusyingโ to determine if they are pooping or peeing; this also gives the handler some idea of the location.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:27:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SumWon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once had this happen, but I didn't have any bags because I'm an idiot...so me and my dog ran away as fast as we could and I felt horrible. He enjoyed the run though at least...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:17 on April 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SumWon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:02 on April 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HAH okay, that'd be a biiiit worse maybe ;)
PractisingPoetry ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:24:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guide dogs are trained to only go on command.
Arctic_Scrap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:03:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if you forget to tell it to go??
Cheese_Bits ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:07:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kaboom
oKKmonster ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:15:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog usually gives me a signal if he needs to go, but otherwise he'll hold it till I take him out. It's just a relationship with the dog that you both get used to and start to read each other's body language.
ginjabeard13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe their dogs are like mine and they just eat their own shit. I didnโt even have to train her!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Fatvod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the oldest questions on reddit. Like 9 years old. Just search "how do blind people know when to stop wiping". It got asked so much that it was a meme back in the earlier reddit days.
edgar__allan__bro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:44:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a blind guy in my neighborhood growing up who had a guide dog. His dog had a regular poop spot; no poop was ever cleaned up. It was just a small patch of grass with a giant pile of shit on it at all times and no one said anything cause I mean how could you tell a blind guy that he needs to clean up after his dog....
MrsFlip ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:50:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Easy. "You need to clean up after your dog, Sir." Done.
drive2fast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heightened sense of smell?
emjaysea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wondered that too, when, a few weeks back, I passed a blind guy whose guide dog had just dropped a big steamer right in the middle of the sidewalk. I didn't stop to ask.
Jagacin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they're anything like my dogs, they probably eat their own shit.
I gag thinking about it.
Dats_cute ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Canโt imagine the dog shit police fining a blind guy for not picking up his dogโs shit.
Lj101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a guide dog shitting while it walked on the street once. Not sure if it's typical or not. The owner didn't notice either.
intrepidia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Simple answer actually. When the dog arches his/her back (and you'll know your dogs inclinations, behaviors, timings etc) you position your foot to the intersect line of your pup's rump. When he/she is done, you'll use that foot reference as a line guide to strike that pot o' gold with your awaiting bag.
one50nine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm raising a guide dog puppy for Guide Dogs Victoria in Australia at the moment. For my dog, sheโs trained to go on command and that she goes at home before and after she goes goes out.
origin_unknown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Typically, the person needing a guide dog is also trained to tell the difference between the different postures of the dog. Often, they will place a hand on the dogs rear area, above the tail when the dog does it's business, and they learn to feel the difference between a one and a two. Plus...smell.
N0RWHALEY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HOW DO BLIND PEOPLE KNOW WHEN THEYโRE DONE WIPING THEMSELVES?! This is one of lifeโs biggest mysteries for me.
Kanotari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guide dog trainer here! The dogs poop on command, and then stay in place so the blind person can either feel the dog and find the poop, or see the dog's have a good general idea of where the turd is.
3xTheSchwarm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop.
SirRogers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just get on the ground and sniff like a dog.
armed_renegade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bl9ikToGp4
This is a vlog of a blind woman who takes her dog potty in the rain.
QuincyAzrael ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was out with a blind guy once. As we were walking his dog shat all over the street. He didn't seem to notice and I lacked the mental fortitude to bring it up.
soopninjas ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:41:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a news story where a blind guy picked up behind his dog, but since he couldnโt find a trash can he just left in on some steps at a university. The building he left it at was the black student union and there was a hate crime investigation on it. No thatโs some funny shit.
honkhonkbeepbeeep ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/thathappened
danknerd ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You teach them to eat it. Dogs will do it anyways sometimes.
Party_Monster_Blanka ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 00:18:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad is blind and had a service dog. They train them to use the toilet and flush afterwards. The dick head never washed his hands afterwards, it was gross.
forgetful_storytellr ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 00:43:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Implying blind people clean up their dogs shit
JohnnyHopkins13 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:04:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the blind man twirling his dog on a leash?
He was just looking around.
Miltage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha okay this one's fucked
pommelawyer ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:23:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Retail clerk spots a blind man swing his dog in circles by the leash and asked the man if he needed help. The blind man said, "No, I'm just looking around."
Sulkembo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:30:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind men bungee jump?
'Cause it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
HighPriestofShiloh ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:35:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
don't*
FallFromEden ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:56:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me lol in the bathroom
sythesplitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was just because Steve's a cunt. Huh, guess you learn something new everyday!
kabanaga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man is walking though a grocery store with his guide dog, when, suddenly, he picks up the dog and starts spinning the dog over his head by its lead.
A clerk runs over and asks: "Hey, Mister, what the heck are you doing?"
The blind man replies: "Just having a look around."
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
iDankkk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:18:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking the same thing but most of the time these mistakes are made by people who don't speak English as their first language.
piccini9 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Scares the shit outta the dog.
DetroitMoves ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt blind people go bungee jumping? Because it scares the fuck out of their leader dog.
OgreJehosephatt ยท 102 points ยท Posted at 22:54:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are the kind of puns that are acceptable.
peeves91 ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 23:15:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All puns are acceptable. Anytime. Anywhere.
disguisedeyes ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:05:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except a ball pun, of course. Those should never roll off anyone's tongue.
CecilFieldersChoice ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:52:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see them as a form of pun-ishment.
OgreJehosephatt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:01:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I should down-vote you.
ChrisTheCoolBean ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:03:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatever floats your vote.
CecilFieldersChoice ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:33:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Keep it up
peeves91 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You all make me proud
ChrisTheCoolBean ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi, proud, I'm Dad.
NeptunesSon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:34:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Along with a handful of others, it seems.
ChrisTheCoolBean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:45:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something something OP's mom
Ragadash7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:27:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Preach
TheBananaKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:55:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A good pun is its own reword.
KNNLTF ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:56:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The double entendre is not just on the word "well" but also "that". How do you get two meanings out of "that"; it's truly brilliant. My favorite along these lines is "I, for one, like Roman Numerals", where every word has two meanings except the focal point of the sentence, "Roman Numerals".
Redditaccount_02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Either it's all acceptable or none of it is.
OgreJehosephatt ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:44:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Puns that still make sense through multiple meanings are clever. The kind of puns that people favor is just recognizing that one word kinda sounds like another word, and that's very not-clever. I'd prefer that we wouldn't even consider those puns, but, as long as we do, there are acceptable and unacceptable puns.
TrebleTone9 ยท 164 points ยท Posted at 22:31:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one.
sarah-xxx ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 23:28:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The wet blind man sure as fuck didn't.
HuckFinn69 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:00:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice tits
sarah-xxx ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, I grew them myself.
HuckFinn69 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:02:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, you should start a tit farm
sarah-xxx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:04:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, would you be interested in some manboobs? It's all the rage right now...
VerySecretCactus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Could you respond to this comment?
sarah-xxx ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:08:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, make me!
Edit : Dammit.
VerySecretCactus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you have employees that do reddit stuff? Not judging ("evil gallowboob games the system" stuff), just curious.
Whitlow14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doubt it, highly. Iโm pretty sure Reddit isnโt her job.
ocxtitan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
don't advertise for her
HuckFinn69 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:15:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, I have to, itโs my job. Iโm an ad exec for Tits-R-Us.
Josesilvagg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, i'm blind and i did not appreciate that joke.
Kholzie ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:49:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf. After a while, they notice how poorly the group of people ahead of them is playing and complain to the golf course owners about them slowing their game.
The Owners: ah, those are firemen who recently lost their sight on a call. We let them play here as a courtesy, to thank them for their service.
The three men are moved by this and quickly have ideas.
The Doctor: ah! Well, In that case, I would love to examine them and see to what extent their blindness can be reversed!
The Priest: I would like to bring them to my church! We have given many congregant spiritual healing!
The Engineer: You should let them play at night.
edindorchester ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:12:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up an hammer and saw?
Grtgignsky ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:18:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always use this when I put on my glasses and say "I can see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw"
mrmnder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:23:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Icy said the blind man as he stepped into the cold water.
artichokedip69 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:38:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a nicely dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
4packzach ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:05:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because he was pushed
JoseCansecoMilkshake ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:02:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
BY WOODY!
mushbrain ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:03:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house?
Neither has he.
AXLPendergast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does the blind parachutist know when he is near the ground ...
When the leash on his guide dog goes slack...
acconrad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Norm?
bigmcstrongmuscle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his kids? Because he's blind.
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his wife? Because he's blind.
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
bb_cowgirl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:30:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just deadpanned this to my fiancรฉ and left the room. I can still hear him laughing from across the house.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:23:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Water Catchment*
amazing_mouse ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:07:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did he see the well or fly away? For the well is cooked; well-done, but small in the grand scheme of things. One sees the well, and buries it underneath the desert's surface. There is not a drop of water for miles upon miles, not in any of the milliards of grains of sand in the vast plain. The well is our last hope. It provides sustenance, spirit, and soul when necessary. And one day, the well will open wider, and neither the blind man nor the half-blind man will notice. The well will swallow us all, leaving mere grains of sand where our memories once existed.
Vertighost23 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:11:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, that was pretty deep.
they_are_out_there ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta admit, that comment holds it's water well.
ThaiJohnnyDepp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite so far
4DimensionalToilet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:07:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind mar walks into a bar, a table, and a chair.
jackfromjupiter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:40:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is comedy gold.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm half blind and I laughed
CasaTank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hope he can swim
B-rizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm blind now because of how far back in my head my eyes rolled. Thanks.
kgt94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ffs
ChickenwithHotSauce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard the same one except with a totally blind woman somewhere else on Reddit awhile ago.
rosehufnal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a chair. And a table.
generalnotsew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know where I got this one from or if I made it up myself but I have something similar. I would say I had an uncle that was fired from his job because he was blind. He worked at the sewage treatment plant and couldn't see shit. I could see Norm MacDonald making this work really well.
TheAbsurdSanjuanino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
half-blind, otherwise it could have been because he was missing half of his body and that affected him somehow. Sorry to be a dick.
willd821 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hole-y moley!
lordover123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice username
SupaFurry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs better if itโs a cat or a dog because it throws people off more.
Tearakan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great for r/dadjokes
Systral ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Replace well with anything else you can fall into and you got an /r/antijokes
godofwine16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dogs!
TheCrimsonCloak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
alternatively ,
a blind man walks into a bar ... and a chair ... and a table ...
viper112001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or... he was pushed
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who is half blind, I cannot fucking believe I just heard this joke.
That's amazing
mrsplackpack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I sell window treatment and this old guy came up to me and said are you the blind man? I responded yes I am do you need any help and he said โhow do you seeโ my co worker started cracking up. It just flew over my head.
EverythingIsFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a very strong delivery. It gives too much away. I prefer:
How did the old lady drown on the way back from the outhouse?
TheMobHasSpoken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend told me he wants to throw me into a hole in the ground filled with water. I know he means well.
gtr06 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have to be good looking because he so hard to see!
plusoneeffpee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On a related note:
His grammar is so terrible that he fell down a good.
illsmosisyou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But really, that's nothing. My grammar is so bad that I once fell down a good.
maantjemol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:21 on May 3, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(โ๏พใฎ๏พ)โ
Jim-Shorts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend whose grammar was so bad that he fell down a good!
Totally_a_Banana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive?
Cause it scares the shit outta their service dogs.
Bear__Fucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I suck at English and I fell into a good.
JustASexyKurt ยท 1947 points ยท Posted at 21:14:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a teenager my mother caught me, uh, exploring myself. She told me to stop and that my dad would explain why.
When my dad came up he said โJustASexyKurt, if you keep doing that youโll go blindโ. I said โDad Iโm over hereโ
Acope234 ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 23:54:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never forget the time my dad caught me jerking off. He closed the door and yelled through it "if you keep pulling on that it'll come right off! ask your sister!"
SovietShooter ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 01:25:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day when I was a teenager, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She said to me "Son, good boys save that until they are married. Do you understand, son?" I told her I did, and the incident went unmentioned for months, until one day out of the blue she knocked on my bedroom door. She asked if I remembered our discussion from weeks ago, and if I had been a good boy since then.
"Sure have Mom, I've got almost this entire milk jug filled up!"
Fed_up_with_Reddit ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 23:41:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Will you make my ankle hurt?
IamLuke555 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 00:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
aaaankle huuuuuuurrrrrrrrt
WilloniousFunk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:39:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had to do some research on your comment. Hilarious.
[deleted] ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 22:58:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like your username.
lengthandfunction ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 23:47:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโll make your ankle hurt
Schweed6494 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:43:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some say to this day Marty Jannetty still canโt walk
Reddy_McRedcap ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:26:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yea, but that's from decades of cocaine abuse
jakehuckle ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:58:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Regal?
iamthejef ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:56:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Willy Nelson tells it better
shugerbooger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:04:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternate ending: I said: โCan I keep doing it just until I need glasses?โ
myepenisisbigger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Still waiting on Weed Fest...
Mortimer14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I still can't figure out how they expected me to poke my eye out with that tiny thing."
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
bwhahahahahaaaaaa
effegenio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This got me
KurtRussellasHimself ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is your username about me?
kurtanglesankle ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:09:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No it's about me.
SookieShortStack ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 00:28:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 deer walk out of a gay bar and one says to the other, โI canโt believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!โ
FakuedGuela ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:42 on October 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why deer, dear?
Lakecide ยท 627 points ยท Posted at 23:36:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Last night I played Poker with Tarot cards - I got a Full House and four people died."
morningsaystoidleon ยท 97 points ยท Posted at 01:50:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
onelongdong25 ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 02:49:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I spilled spot remover on my dog...now heโs gone.
Another Stephen Wright classic.
terranq ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:51:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Last week I had a skylight put in my place. My upstairs neighbours are pissed"
also Stephen Wright
PaulsRedditUsername ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:25:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"In my house I have a light switch that doesn't do anything. Every time I walk past it, I flick it up and down a few times just to check. Last week I got a letter from a guy in China saying, 'Cut it out!'"
Kulpas ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:28:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't really get it
brookish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:56:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also SW: โI accidentally put my car key in my front door and the whole house started up, so I drove it around for a while.โ
eoliveri ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:49:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have good taste, but it's Steven Wright.
thatguywiththemousta ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:44:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Recently discovered Stephen Wright, fucking love it. I reckon his voice makes a lot of his jokes funnier.
MightyCaseyStruckOut ยท 20731 points ยท Posted at 20:02:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second man shouts back, "You are on the other side of the river!"
OpinionatedCentrist ยท 6149 points ยท Posted at 22:08:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHey OโConnell! Looks to me like Iโve got all the horses!โ
โHey Beni! Looks to me like youโre on the WRONG SIDE OF THE RIV-ER!โ
tface23 ยท 900 points ยท Posted at 23:23:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. This was the right response.
h0bb1tm1ndtr1x ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 00:44:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Look, I... I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, Mr O'Connell, but I am proud of what I am... I... am a librarian!"
WayneAsher ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 01:26:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And quite the librarian she was.
SorenoSanguinem ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 04:01:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And what is a place like you doing in a girl like this?
Laser-circus ยท 148 points ยท Posted at 00:45:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brendon Fraiser will always be my only choice for the Mummy series.
turtlemix_69 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:48:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There aren't any other choices
KhazemiDuIkana ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:33:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Karloff is good, my dude. But that said, my heart belongs to Brendan
believo ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 03:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tom Cruise?
Lt_Toodles ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:17:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's only 3 Indiana Jones movies, got it?
thebumm ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:33:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brendan Fraser is far superior imo.
fortknox ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 02:58:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I hear you know the way to hammanaptra"
"I do"
"Do you swear?"
"Every damn day"
anupsan ยท 158 points ยท Posted at 22:45:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in Beni's voice.
AlucardNoir ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:30:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too haha
aldanathiriadras ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:32:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't recall Beni's voice, but both O'Connells were right inside my head, and it's been years since I've watched a Miummy movie.
anupsan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:33:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had such a crush on Rachel Weisz after that movie.
ScottyMcBones ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:55:45 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, didn't everyone.
goldgibbon ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:10:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love The Mummy (1999)!
2livecrewnecktshirt ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 01:03:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aw man, it makes me sad that you have to clarify which version it was.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:56:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
2livecrewnecktshirt ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:57:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I personally refuse to acknowledge the existence of the reboot, but the user I replied to did.
secretpandalord ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:28:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, if you think about it, that one is the reboot. (2017) is the re-reboot.
2livecrewnecktshirt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:56:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't even know about the other, and because it's so old I have no nostalgia for a movie I didn't see in theaters or watch at home 20+ times in 1932. But TIL.
TrustMeImMagic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:28:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I mean... There were two before it.
Browncoatdan ยท 102 points ยท Posted at 23:46:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I understood that reference.
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 00:08:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ugghhh, I can't think of what movie it is!
[deleted] ยท 102 points ยท Posted at 00:10:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
rustyangle ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 00:10:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Mummy
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:11:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OH YEAH!! Ah yeah, that feels good. What a relief.
MayTryToHelp ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:22:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh ahh /r/bonehealingjuice
iamfuturejesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your Mummy
[deleted] ยท -33 points ยท Posted at 00:32:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
anchoricex ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:04:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sick burn dad
LyushkaPushka ยท 242 points ยท Posted at 22:58:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in the horse's voice.
Stypur ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 23:47:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why the fuck was this so funny
waltjrimmer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:23:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/funnyhorseshow
hauntedhotdogg ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:26:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funny horses? How?
HSerrata ยท 120 points ยท Posted at 23:28:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't remember Sarah Jessica Parker in that movie.
[deleted] ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 00:04:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa this whole thread is a blast from the past.
SGC-Alf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:39:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I appreciate that reference.
Consonant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah
better_off_red ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Please don't post rude comments like this. You need to remember she's someone's foal.
skryb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:08:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bojack took the part instead.
RAAM_n_Noodles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:13:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Brendan Fraser, SJP, Horse... Dudley Do-Right?
Killzark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The horse read it in your voice
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Rate_hacists ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"WIIIILLBUUUURRRR!!!!"
buddhadarko ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:53:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for horse voices
exxhi ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:29:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A..pparently, he had a VEry good time.
KhazemiDuIkana ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:34:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come come, step ovehr ze threshold!
sEcKtUr8 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:27:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goodbye, Beni.
The80sWereCool ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 01:00:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for doing the RIV-ER properly.
winosanonymous ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:44:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I miss Brendan Fraser. :(
Spikekuji ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:08:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs really good in the FX series Trust that is airing now.
winosanonymous ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:16:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh. Thank you for the recommendation! :)
Spikekuji ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:30:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs just so nice to see him back and the role is a real trip.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:06:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turns out he had a very good time
Totally_a_Banana ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:40:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is.. is that a reference to the original 'Mummy'??
Wow. Havent heard that in years! I used to love that movie and one of my favorite lines as a kid. I used to laugh so much!
teslaabr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:25:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's ok to still love this movie.
Totally_a_Banana ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:07:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still do. But I used to too.
-Mitch Hedberg (RIP you glorious bastard)
xanothis23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:02:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's technically not the original, but it is the better of the two reboots. The second one was fantastic too.
Totally_a_Banana ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:25:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! I had no idea there was an even older Mummy movie. I'll have to check it out!
Zapp---Brannigan ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:47:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in Rick's voice.
EXO_JR42 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:35:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The best quote.
Sad-Crow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:10:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite movie. I haven't watched it in MONTHS. Time for a rewatch.
pizzabeagle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I watched this last night and forgot about this joke. I laughed like an idiot.
ImaSmackYew ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:51:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Immediately what I thought of too
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:49:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โThrow me the idol!โ
โFirst throw me the whip!โ
spoopy_elliot ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:10:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im out of the loop. What is that referencing?
MyNameIsFU ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:43:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Mummy
Comfort_Twinkie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit now I'm gonna have to watch it.
AppleDane ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:12:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Looks like we're shy one horse."
"No. Two horses too many."
crashonthebeat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how can you trust a man that can't trust his own pants?
Deago78 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this comment. Thank you!
jimoconnell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit. That always happens to me.
basement_wizards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oscar worthy acting in that scene
FiveYearsAgoOnReddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:54:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/savebrendan
THISISDAM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:49 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Imhooootepppp
Bud_Johnson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
akpak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:17:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Fraser
ihadtotypesomething ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:33:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why am I reading this in Christian Slater's voice from Robin Hood? What's this from?
proanimus ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:35:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs from The Mummy (1999).
ihadtotypesomething ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:38:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. Slater sings a song when Costner falls in the river while fighting Little John.
"Something something.. Who fell in a RIII-VVER"
I got confused.
s3gfau1t ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:57:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a rich man from Nottingham
Who tried to cross the river
Oh what a dope
He tripped on a rope
Now look at him shiver
.... BEG FOR MERCY RICH MAN
Something like that...
helkar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I actually love that movie despite how terrible it is.
ams-1986 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:42:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had the same thought at first as well!
Derptastrophe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:35:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I understood both references.
sp1d3rboi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I could give you two upvotes for this!!
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol!
Face_McSh00ty ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 06:23:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MANDATORY: Ohhh gee wiz! I wish Brendan Fraser was in every movie, tv show, play, radio commercial and bathroom ad poster that was ever made ever! Right? Right!? RIGHT?!!!???!!??!? . . . . . Okay, thatโs done. Where do I collect my internet money?
Gilgie ยท 743 points ยท Posted at 21:04:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOURE GOING THE WRONG WAY!
Ah theyre drunk, how do they know where were going.
preston181 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 22:57:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, how would they know? Thank You! drinking hand motion
KNueve83 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 23:41:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the way he does that hand motion / head roll gets me every time
dennishoppersballs ยท 154 points ยท Posted at 21:37:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
muckluckcluck ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:34:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good job getting that reference! Great internet points!
dennishoppersballs ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:37:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes!!! Points! /s. Thanks though, I just watched that movie with my daughter. So funny.
vectornull ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:45:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She may be skinny, but she's strong. snnooort!
MechanicalTurkish ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:18:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Her first babby come out SIDEWAYS. She didn't scream or nuthin
throwaway24515 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:30:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Snork snork.
the-bakers-wife ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:33:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
S
Ttwister ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:24:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
nice, one of my fav movie clips - I miss John Candy. "Those aren't pillows!" Haha
MechanicalTurkish ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:17:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want to take a shower?
TheIgnoredWriter ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:01:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Top 5 line in film history
brycedriesenga ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:13:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't say it's necessarily up there with that one, but it brings to mind the line from Dumb and Dumber:
"Pull over!"
"No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!"
wadsworthsucks ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:24:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS! ! !
CaitlinSarah87 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:46:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Catch that Bears game? Hell of a game!
droog77 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:05:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeaaaaaah. How do THEY know where WEโRE going?
timbo4815 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:51:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre messing with the wrong guy!
fredphreak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my all-time favorites
Firefighter_97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My family watches that movie every Thanksgiving. It never gets old! The scene where he messes with the car seat until it gets stuck kills me every time
Matlock77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โPULL OVER!!!โ
-Itโs a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.
Pr0ph3tMuhammad ยท 566 points ยท Posted at 22:07:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more and decide to escape. So they get up onto the roof, and there, just across a narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away to freedom.
The first guy jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. He's afraid of falling.
So the first guy has an idea, he says ''Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!''
But the second guy just shakes his head. He says ''What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!''
Zezombye ยท 249 points ยท Posted at 22:26:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Second guy probably played portal 2 in coop.
Pr0ph3tMuhammad ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:28:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or that console game where you need to work together, but can also betray your friend.
ehrwien ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:04:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit circles?
different55 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:42:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that still going on? Seemed like a bit of a rushed flop. They couldn't get it out in time for April 1st, and when they did get it out it was plagued by bugs.
SinnerOfAttention ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:46:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You sir, just wait for April 2019.
BakulaSelleck92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hear for 2019 they're just gonna shut down Reddit forever. April Fool's!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Battletoads?
Pickledsoul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ah yes, tabletop sim
weirdcookie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:00:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the end of Alan Moore's killing joke
stesha83 ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 22:46:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Killing Joke.
azx6r ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 00:55:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to love that band, now I can't even remember a song.
Fiti99 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:29:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He meant the batman comic
azx6r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:47:52 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok. There was a punk band back in the late 70s/early 80s called Killing Joke (who are apparently now doing a 40th anniversary tour).
Sorry if me being an old fart offends the sensibilities of reddit. /s
arannutasar ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 22:40:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
really never fails.
Goredrak ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:39:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some might say that joke kills
ogonga ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:02:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The relevance of that joke was intriguing. I had to really think about which one would be afraid of the dark. The bat? The joker? Maybe both are fitting in certain circumstances.
Ordile123 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:19:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โItโs a Tide Adโ
Pr0ph3tMuhammad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The penis?
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:15:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Asylum joke:
Two friends were in an insane asylum. They decided to go swimming. One jumps in and stays at the bottom of the pool, drowning himself. The other leaps in and saves his life herself. Later, the nurse approaches her saying "that, after displaying the awareness to rescue your friend, we are allowing you to take what we call a sanity test and release you to your family. However, before you begin, I have bad news. Your friend hung and killed himself in the bathroom shortly after you saved him." To which she responds, "He didn't kill himself. I hung him up to dry!"
SuperGandalfBros ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:13:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The question is, what happens at the end of that scene? Does Batman keep laughing with Joker and take him in? Or does he kill Joker?
GiverOfTheKarma ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:11:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's pretty obvious Batman kills the Joker.
Pr0ph3tMuhammad ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:16:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He fucks the Joker.
toofpaist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The killing joke
JTswift ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman:_The_Killing_Joke_(film)
Pr0ph3tMuhammad ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:36:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Garbage film, but the comic was great
Dextarian101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Battleblock theatre?
TheMcelPain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The killing joke?
Pr0ph3tMuhammad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
yes
TheMcelPain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs pretty funn
servicestud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, the time the Joker actually tells a joke. Killing Joke, right?
Arrenn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Killing Joke. Classic.
volcanoshadow ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 22:40:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A person tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around. She said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else."
"I am."
Demetri Martin
Terra_Cotta_Pie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/solipsism
ceribus_peribus ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:31:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's an old Nasruddin joke. (The spelling of his name varies: Nasrudin/Nasruddin/Nasreddin/etc) Theyโre great. Hereโs some more:
Mulla Nasrudin is a popular folk figure from the Middle East. The traditional explanation is that because Nasrudin was a smart but arrogant child, a sage put a spell on him:
However wise he would become, people would always laugh at whatever he said, and
Whenever one Nasrudin tale is told, people will feel compelled to tell them until at least seven have been recited.
There are many anthologies of Nasrudin stories out there. Like Zen Koans, Sufis say there is hidden meaning in each one, illustrating patterns of thought or errors in reasoning.
So without further delay, here are four more:
And one final one to complete the set:
omega0678 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:07:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use a variation of this to annoy the hell out of my little cousin.
I'll scratch her leg, and when she asks me why, I'll tell her my leg is itching.
She'll say, "But that's MY leg."
"I know, and "my leg" is itching so I'm scratching it."
"Then scratch YOUR leg!"
"Is "your leg" itching?"
"No."
"Then why would I scratch it?"
BearDrivingACar ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 21:01:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well it worked on me so good job
ProfessorNasty ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 20:12:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Short, innocent, funny. Love it
[deleted] ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 21:07:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm offended
aceintheplace805 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:25:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โ18 strikes again
Notjustnow ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:13:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Target demographic - 8 year olds.
tho_da_cuppa_joe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:23:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're on the wrong side!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:35:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can see myself saying this to be a smartass. Then the other person would cross to the other side of the the river to strangle me.
HawkHooves ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:15:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this recently
solidkrono ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, Beni! Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!"
ralphreyna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:04:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im upset at how far I had to scroll to find this.
CaptainMagnets ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey Benny, looks like youโre on the wrong side of the riveeeer!
aFineMoose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"It's a good thing so many people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to."
536756 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:17:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is the most upvoted one ._.
Thatdamage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:17:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My brother is autistic, and this is a word for word transcript of a conversation we had on a camping trip.
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Biblical variant and supposedly a true story.
Athanasius (the early Christian philosopher) was asked by a barge full of Roman soldiers, "Have you seen the man called Athanasius?"
"Yes! I have! And if you keep going, you will soon overtake him!"
Wily dude.
fib16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to say I love your username. That's my favorite poem. My gpa read it to me as a child all the time.
KoalaNumber3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:49:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, but when he came up to me he said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."
PM_ME_HEALTH_TIPS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:11:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love
riddleparadox humor.CormacMcG123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"No, Your on the other side!"
Cricket112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was "two blondes" or did someone change it cuz it wasn't pc
klerex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*two blondes
Nisas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other day a stranger came up to me and started talking to me, I turned around and he said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I said, "I am."
stolen-username ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
AYO RIVER!
belleayreski2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody waived to me and then said "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else." I said "I am"
SnickeringBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the helpful blond? She was on the opposite side of the river from a guy who yelled "How do I get to the other side of the river?" She replied "You are on the other side of the river!"
This is the way I heard it.
epneus1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my dad this joke and he chuckled and said they musta been drunk
gypsy_kitsune ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this as 2 blondes
bubbadarkness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok dad
MasterFreeman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From my point of view the Jedi are evil!
Jonny_Segment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's funny, but I think it's interesting more than anything. Makes you think about perspectives.
trenteady ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!RedditSilver
troubleleaving ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to tell this joke as 2 blondes on opposites sides of a river
REDDIT-IS-TRP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:33 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty deep
Tistouuu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed
jakeinmn ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:05:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heres another river joke.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are trying to cross a river when they come accross a genie lamp. The genie comes out and grants them each one wish.
The blonde wished she was smart enough to cross the river, and the genie taught her how to swim. She swam accross and got her makeup wet and stormed off.
The redhead wished she was smart enough to cross the river and not get wet, so the genie gave her the smarts to build a boat. It took her a long time to get ready, but she managed to get to the other side.
Finally, the Brunette wished she was smart enough to cross the river, not get wet, and not take an exhortbant amount of time to do it. The genie made her into a man, and then he took the bridge.
ionwesker ยท 187 points ยท Posted at 01:30:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jack and Vera go to blackpool every 10 years to celebrate their anniversary.
On their first 10 year anniversary, Jack urges Vera to come on the air tour with him, she declines and tells him, 'No jack, it's too expensive and ยฃ50 is ยฃ50' Jack reluctantly agrees and they enjoy the rest of their holiday.
10 years pass and Jack and Vera return to Blackpool once again, and once again Jack asks Vera to come on the aerial tour and once again she declines, saying 'No jack, it's too expensive and ยฃ50 is ยฃ50' and they go on their way.
Another 10 years pass and once again Jack asks and Vera declines. Jack becomes irate, pleading with her that by the time they return again he will be unable or incapable of taking the aerial tour, hearing the commotion the pilot walks over and makes them a deal, he will take them on the tour for free, providing they are silent for the entirety of the tour.
They agree and they take off, The pilot is surprised by how quiet they are and begins to pull off fancy tricks to get them to talk. He eventually lands and turns around and says to them 'I am impressed, i didn't hear peep out of either of you' to which Jack replies 'To be honest, i nearly said something when Vera fell out the plane, but ยฃ50 is ยฃ50'
JamJarre ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 10:17:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think this works better if Vera is the one who says that at the end, given how consistently she cares about the cost of things. Having Jack say it makes him sound like an asshole.
Lurks-to-Learn ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:52:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you missed the point. Vera fell out of the plane. She dead.
JamJarre ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:12:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I know. But the joke's funnier if it's Jack who falls out and dies, because Vera is obsessed with saving money. The joke is that she cares about it so much she's prepared to let her husband fall to his death
Otherwise you gotta establish that Jack doesn't like Vera and would be cool with her dying.
AmySchumersAnalTumor ยท 4821 points ยท Posted at 19:52:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny was walking through the park when a man said "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"
Johnny looked at him and said "Shit mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth"
[deleted] ยท 458 points ยท Posted at 20:55:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love it.
JirenTheGay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:58:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ki
muricanviking ยท 254 points ยท Posted at 22:23:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does al tumor mean
[deleted] ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 22:27:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TustinIsTheBest ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:06:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see what you did there
Sexy_Rhino ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:12:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont?
mackzarks ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:29:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ra's Al Tumor
jenbanim ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:02:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's Arabic for "the tumor"
kane2742 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:05:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or Spanish for "to the tumor."
AmySchumersAnalTumor ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:38:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
to the tumor to the wall
till all these bitches crawl
Skeet skeet, mother fucker.
kane2742 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:53:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Al tumor, a la pared
Hasta todas estas perras se arrastran
Skeet skeet, cabrรณn.
(Courtesy of high school Spanish, plus a little help from Google.)
thefollowingcustomer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:43:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
heh heh
Flimflamsam ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:00:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
alt. 'umor == alternative humor - jeez, get with it, grandpa!
PM_me_UR_duckfacepix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:17:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I too would like to learn what an A.I. tumour actually is.
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 00:19:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated comment
PMMEANUMBER1-10 ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 22:25:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great joke, but I can see some situations where this might fail. A funeral perhaps
Toby_Forrester ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 22:56:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, you can't spell "funeral" without fun.
ShoggothEyes ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:01:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You also can't spell "funeral" without "anal". Or, at least, I wish you couldn't.
Ten_bucks_best_offer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:20:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"A-n-e-l. Close enough, let's fuck!".
Powellwx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:38:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't spell Venereal without real
traffick ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 21:43:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're working blue today, I see.
AmpleWarning ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 22:01:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which is a bit surprising coming from /u/AmySchumersAnalTumor tbh.
AmySchumersAnalTumor ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:39:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am blue
Daba dee. Daba guy.
[deleted] ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 22:24:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
WestCoastHopHead ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 23:06:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, you can say all the bad stuff you want about pedophiles, but man they are good about driving slowly around schools.
imonthehighway ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:28:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But they are always just fucking immature assholes.
nosomathete ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:25:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds better as "driving slowly in school zones"
WestCoastHopHead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:43:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
true
NinjatheClick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
aspidities_87 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:48:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I screamed โNOOOOโ while laughing so hard I farted. So thereโs that memory that I have now.
rogert2 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:30:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a cake day miracle!
aspidities_87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:01:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NOOOOOO
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pdfftpfltp
aravena ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny jokes are the best!
wildmofo17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny has had the most traumatizing childhood ever.
peace_on_you_too ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:27:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol you know you've been on reddit for a while when you start recognizing usernames.
AmySchumersAnalTumor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been told mine is memorable
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus B. Christ, man
KoodooWarrior ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:39 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny was walking down the street when a dodgy looking old guy pulls up in a car and says 'hey little boy, would you like to come and see some puppies?' Johnny replies 'cut the crap and show me your cock'
KillaZami ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username... relevant?
Beach_Shoes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:09:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one i laughed at out loud.
xkittenpuncher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my type of humour
skylinepidgin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will never not upvote any Little Johnny jokes.
TalenGTP ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:18:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/IMGOINGSTRAIGHTTOHELL
ilove60sstuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A quality Jipe from ms schumers anal tumor
petites_pattes ยท 1238 points ยท Posted at 19:55:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
Pm_meyourfunbagz ยท 1134 points ยท Posted at 20:13:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dictator
traffick ยท 413 points ยท Posted at 21:50:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When the punchline is printed on a popsicle stick, it'll be written "A DICK-TATOR"
NealHandleman ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:05:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
except it would be dick-tater then. cause everyone knows its taters not tators.
lolipoops ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 23:40:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's taters?
usernameYuNOoriginal ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 23:52:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Po-ta-toes, boilem mashem stickem in a stew
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:25:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Even you couldnโt say no to that
NealHandleman ยท -22 points ยท Posted at 00:01:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tater
you should open up a dictionary sometime.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:08:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BrendanIsMemes ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:41:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
aCtUAlly hE HAdE a gOoD POinT
ilunalovegoodposts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:05:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
but itโs potato not potate...
SOwED ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:35:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Potate is the verb form.
crazykingfear ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:32:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate
satori0320 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh harder than some of the jokes....
tjonnyc999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
cameheretosaythis
NealHandleman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
its also a bastardized version of it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:12:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I need dirty joke popsicles in my life. Preferably made with some booze.
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spud(n)ick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spud(n)ick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spud(n)ick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:58:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
petites_pattes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:36:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ding ding!
MTAlphawolf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:53:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mashed potatoes works if you want to take it a different direction.
Velveeti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:12:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
L_Cuddles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:03:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He's a dick-tator-tot!
NinjatheClick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lil Adolph!
LastChanceForGas-5mi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one got me. Well done
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought dicktato. Sounds like a rip off of sharknado
TheIrateGlaswegian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dick Tater is the name of a member of the fictional punk band I made for my comic. His real name is Richy Maris.
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spudnick
HookDragger ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 20:01:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A happy potato?
Karnadas ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:28:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dicktater/dictator
Kamagamaga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:53:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one more.
SirDigbyChckenCaeser ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:40:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More like a sore penis
HookDragger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not if you make them into mashed potatoes
Kimmett ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:50:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(เฒ _เฒ )
RedsDaed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's wrong about liking dick
RockLeePower ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A jealous coconut
mistermajik2000 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:26:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kicked out of the farm market
mydearwatson616 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:52:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In my experience, a half retarded baby and 25 to life.
SweaterZach ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:08:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a penis and a coconut?
Karma.
spitman612 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nirvana
PM_ME_YOUR_TEXTBOOKS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lifetime ban from the cafeteria?
Julian_rc ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:59:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Potatoe Penis! Half potatoe, half penis, ALL VEGETABLE!
I don't know, this makes no freaking sense.
almondchild ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:25:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dick Chaney
Azwethinkweist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a potato?
Dougeefargo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew
petites_pattes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:12:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best answer
RusticPath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Potato?
scratchy_mcballsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Po-tato?
willd821 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Potato sack
SuperGandalfBros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hitler
utterdamnnonsense ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A democratically elected head of state?
detahramet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats a potato
speeddelareed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Richard Potato, the greatest dictator of all time.
rogert2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fries of Dr. Moreau?
G8kpr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wait, what's a potato?
HonestAbek ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 23:45:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trump. am I politicsing right?
ragatooki ยท 1141 points ยท Posted at 19:53:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
MTAlphawolf ยท 1022 points ยท Posted at 21:14:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a Mexican cut a pizza?
With little caesars
MrMcGibblets37 ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 22:40:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one got me...thank you.
MTAlphawolf ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 22:41:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Glad people seem to like it. I wish I could convey the thick Mexican accent it was told to me in.
sSommy ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:58:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Leetle seee-sers
zdominator86 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:00:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila.
--whoops-- ยท 124 points ยท Posted at 23:18:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican that can't find his car?
Carlos.
What do you call a Mexican that can't drive?
Joaquin.
What did the Mexican say when 2 houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes!
What do you call a Mexican who has just got out of the hospital?
Manuel.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
What do you call a short Mexican?
A paragraph, he's too short to be an essay.
Allvah2 ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 00:23:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My teacher told me to turn in my essay. But I ain't no snitch.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:45:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
j0hnk50 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:58:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nooo.
What do you call four Mexicans stuck in quicksand?
Cuatro cinco.
CarlosCQ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:56:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican detective?
Orale Holmes
bloodymexican ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:58:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joaquin: Hoh-ah-keen. What's that?
BamboozlemENT ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:17:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Walking
FlyingSpaceWaffle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joo walkin'
Skithana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the Manuel one.
urbanlegenddrama ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:54:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man- well
Skithana ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:06:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh!
I can't believe I had to have that explained...
Thanks.
shinypretty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Orale, ese! This is great!
LeodanEU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:17:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MTAlphawolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Agree 100%.
pppossibilities ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:03:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Literally lol'd
RoboticPlayer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate you.
silverstorm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bravo bravo seรฑor
Amstourist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got me laughing out loud at 2 am smh
shinypretty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, this is straight-up awesome.
ADD_Booknerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was the one!
cherrycolaholic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me laugh way more than it should have. You made me wake my dog up!
Pagan-za ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:58:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caesar is pronouced Kaizer though.
ctetc2007 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:27:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that be how an Italian cuts a pizza?
cutiebug ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:19:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Mexicans does it take to run a successful company? One, because generally the culture has strong work ethics
Daisy_Of_Doom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:00:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wholesome
Monster-_- ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:38:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Mexicans does it take to build a-- holy shit they're done...
jrey0707 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:49:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did the mexican firefighter name his two sons? jose and hose b
s0_much_for_subtlety ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this is my go to
Byizo ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 20:51:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mexican guy on my volleyball team would always announce scores with 1 in them like this.
"3 to Juan" or "Twenty-Juan to 18"
mvaneerde ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL volleyball doesn't stop at 15 anymore
room-to-breathe ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:19:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
cicadaenthusiat ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:38:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?
Juan on Juan
acarro84 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:58:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In queso emergency: dial 9-juan-juan
c13h18o2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:03:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many mexicans does it take to...oh, they're done already.
Subbie138 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why were there only two-thousand Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo?
They only had two vans.
ethan-bubblegum-tate ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:15:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The theee wise men were Mexicans. Bible said the all came to Bethlehem in one Accord
sippidysip ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:28:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What to you call a Mexican baptism?
A bean dip
AffectionateLove ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to joke. Classic.
perkiezombie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:11:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
As many as possible because many Hans make light work.
iamianyouarenot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:55:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that Juan before.
TalleyZorah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?
"Get off me, homes!"
SlutBuster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
Idk but it sure would pick a lot of strawberries.
angelskiss2007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin boys? Hose A and Hose B.
onebadmoth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two Mexicans playing Soccer? Juan on Juan
AlterEgoBill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightb-- never mind it's done.
MickeyG42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexicans sinking in quicksand?
Quatro Cinco
KaylaBean91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stolen. TY.
Monika_best_doki ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:55:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OK
047032495 ยท 896 points ยท Posted at 21:10:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $40 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
bg-j38 ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 00:48:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.
047032495 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is wonderful.
commit_bat ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 23:28:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Meanwhile I'm making $300 a day by having a guy do it.
BatmanCabman ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:33:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fine vintage meta, bravo
rogert2 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:39:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Link? I want to get this.
commit_bat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:32:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/14uee5/how_long_would_you_let_someone_pee_on_you_for_300/
CaptainObvious1906 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:57:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I understood this reference.
xXEchoFiveXx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember too!
RipCityRevival ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to tell this to the guys I played basketball with. Not many laughs, just a lot of โWhat the fuck Rip?โ
jonfitt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:36:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Redditor above gets it for $20. You get two chick peas for $40.
Leland_Stamper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:37:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo beans on my face.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:38:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Game ball. Well done.
tjonnyc999 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:49:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sportyball!
adudeguyman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And that's how I met your mother.
jrob801 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:39:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, that joke was:
what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.
punania ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:28:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I find the joke works better if you change it to:
What's the difference between a Japanese lentil and a Japanese chickpea? I wouldn't pay $40 to have a Japanese lentil on my face.
This makes it a bit more confusing for idiots, with the added spice of casual racism.
tombsar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:26:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It also makes the joke work in countries that have never heard of "garbanzo" beans.
Mongostein ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:55:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Except that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing. I donโt believe that this is the case with Japanese Lentils, though I could be wrong.
tombsar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think that's necessary for the joke to work. It's just that if you tried to tell it to anyone in England, for example, the response is almost always going to be "What's a garbanzo bean?".
Oareo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:23:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is it racist?
punania ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:31:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Surely this not the forum for that discussion. If you donโt find it so, great, but then maybe donโt be surprised if others do.
Oareo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:09:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm genuinely curious what you think, if you are unwilling to backup your statement publicly you can message me.
You aren't saying anything negative, perpetuating stereotypes or using slurs. But these days I guess I'm not surprised you think any mention of race is racist. Thanks for Trump, I guess.
punania ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:10 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The implicit connecting of Japanese women and sexual fetish has a tinge of racism in it. Iโm not bothered by this personally, and I feel reading that into it is overly politically correct but is something some people will do. I was also making a joke about that, using the word โspiceโ blatantly inappropriately. Alas, like any joke, it gets less funny the more you explain it. No need to relate everything to Trump, by the way. There have been assholes and thugs in this world long before him.
wiggaroo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:56:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eyyoooo
avantgardengnome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between jelly and jam? I donโt want to jelly my dick up your momโs ass.
sufferpuppet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:35:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the punchline: "in my mouth."
TJSwoboda ยท 300 points ยท Posted at 01:11:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians. In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?"
"Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex..."
The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?"
"Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex.
On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?"
"Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
TheEternalCity101 ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 12:26:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For those who don't get it:
A posse was a group of guys collected up to go out and fix a problem through force.
Hviterev ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 11:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Non native English speaker, I don't get it :(
Edit : nevermind hahahhahahah
camel1950 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:28:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mind explaining?
Amazi0n ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:38:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Posse: Group of cowboys assembled to round up an outlaw or fight etc.
Pussy: Colloquial term for female genitals
Both sound similar, especially with a cowboy accent in the mix.
SkipsH ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:25:16 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I figured it was Hussy.
Hviterev ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I should have explained after figuring it out! My bad!
space_moron ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:55:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it?
sumogypsyfish ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:59:21 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He keeps trying to call for a posse(a group of people with guns) to come rescue him, but his horse keeps hearing "pussy" and bringing him women. Finally, the cowboy gets fed up and yells in his horse's ear what he actually wants, to the point that he's spelling it out.
Edit: fixed a few words
rainbow-princess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what
Even_the_Yuenglings ยท 1231 points ยท Posted at 22:12:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you hear about that new movie 'Constipation'"?
(To which everyone answers no)
"Thats because it hasn't come out"
[deleted] ยท 244 points ยท Posted at 23:45:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PunkinNickleSammich ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:59:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dear lord.
DarkPhysix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what my butthole said
schickK ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:01:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
By increasing his fluid intake and eating plenty of fibre
Brown_note11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:58:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was the constipated accountant doing with the pencil?
Trying to budget.
Vakieh ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:02:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punchline is 'he worked it out with a pencil'
2old2care ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was a slide rule.
Danilo_Dmais ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:44 on June 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โ2 Pencil
WilliamWaters ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:07:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kids in my elementary school would ask this question but change it to say "Have you seen the movie 'gay people say no'"
Avenged_Seven_Muse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember this one! It's strange just how much of a culture shift has happened in just 20 years.
ALittleSurprise1013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No
michael_harari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't
CannonEyes ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:43:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to the library and asked for a book I heard about featuring men with smell penises.
"It isn't in yet" the librarian said
"Yes! that's the one" I replied
gostybever ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fucked with my friend after she tried this one on me. I actually went to IMDB and searched for 'Constipation' and turns out it's the title of a short film from 2008.
amakudaru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(That one slow friend) "When does it come out?"
"When the stool softener kicks in."
Corpax1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If they say yes, you can always say "I can't wait for it to come out."
Joke will be salvaged.
athural ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But when it does it's gonna be big
DowntownJohnBrown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard this joke from Giannis Antetokounmpo.
[deleted] ยท 412 points ยท Posted at 21:29:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
doggy_lipschtick ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:36:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard this one and it's amazing! Haha
emeraldkelly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:27:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No!!! This is my joke! Love it :-)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha my friend told me it one day and it's my all time favorite!
emeraldkelly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:08:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw it somewhere online with an illustration. It's my go-to joke. Along with 'what do you call a cow that has given birth? Decaffeinated' And 'what do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway'
aallqqppzzmm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like it better as "an alligator looking for his sleeves"
SneaksinBackDoor ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 00:27:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Hutch.
Hutch who?
God bless you.
AtlantisSky ยท 3208 points ยท Posted at 20:51:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's really stupid but it's never failed to make people laugh.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
rainbowlack ยท 1182 points ยท Posted at 22:25:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke's something quite atrocious.
OgreJehosephatt ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 22:59:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Naw. I think if they said it loud enough they'll always sound precocious.
rainbowlack ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 23:51:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC HEXED BY HALITOSIS?
rrrestless ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 01:05:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dum did a diddle, dum did a die
jeaguilar ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:12:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because I was afraid to speak when I was just a lad...
TheRealTripleH ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:42:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd follow in the footsteps of my funny, dear old Dad
The_Thrill17 ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 22:48:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or something quite
rainbowlack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:52:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. Fixed!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horatius?
igreatplan ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:25:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it really is compared to this famous headline from 2000 when Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Celtic
amateurishatbest ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It goes down easier with a spoonful of sugar.
ForgetfulDoryFish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Indubitably.
ThatFlappingTerror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only if you say it enough.
BentGadget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Even though the rhythm's good, the joke is quite atrocious.
Rosie_says_hi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you say it loud enough, youโll always sound precocious
bucko_fazoo ยท 204 points ยท Posted at 23:43:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
onemanandhishat ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:00:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of Colin Mochrie's version of this on Whose Line.
PlantainTapiocaChips ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:15:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke he makes about the reindeer hit by the is amazing as well.
OldSpeckledHen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:32:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also along these lines...
Roy Rodgers had just purchased a brand new pair of cowboy boots. He was out riding trigger one day when the heat started getting to him so he stopped by the nearest watering hole, stripped down and took a dip in the water to cool off. While there a mountain lion snuck up, grabbed one of his boots and started knawing on the leather... Roy raced out of the water yelling and screaming to scare him off, but he just grabbed the other. Roy was so mad he grabbed his gun and shot that mountain lion dead. Well... he got dressed... slung the body of the animal over his saddle and started for home. When he got there, Dale Evans took one look at him, the dead animal, and what was left of his boots and couldn't help but ask, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"
yours_untruly ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:22:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectednorm
He fucked a frog!
OigoAlgo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is CUTE, saving this one.
t0f0b0 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:45:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The version I know goes:
Did you hear that Mary Poppins has opened up a fortune-telling shop in San Francisco? Yeah, apparently she just smells your breath and can tell you your future.
Just look up her ad in the paper:
Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis
CLVN-RL ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:39:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty good r/wordavalanches
fourleggedostrich ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:41:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is brilliant, but there's no way I'd ever get it right if I tried to tell it!
AtlantisSky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:43:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have to practice it multiple times before I say it out loud or I ruin the punchline. If I forget to practice I look it up and read it.
WhatamItodonowhuh ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:31:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The cops are looking for a dwarf psychic.
So there's a small medium at large.
Twick87 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:39:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit...
kuekuatsu813 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:45:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard this one before and it really did make me laugh out loud.
I may or may not steal it.
AtlantisSky ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:45:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go ahead. I did.
theyosua ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:32:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best thing I've ever read on reddit
andrewmaxedon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this as "What do you call a witch with bad breath, brittle bones, and blisters on her feet? A super calloused fragile witch who's vexed by halitosis."
Rough_Idle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for Spider Robinson!
KBryan382 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The trick with this one is to stretch it out a lot and make it into a r/feghoot.
TechnoL33T ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:00:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was told me by my dad and now my brother tells his kids. Love it.
acialjonny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you
drWibblyWobbly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:39:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So Merry Poppins quit her job as a nanny to move to Hollywood, and become a psychic. Only she doesn't tell your fortune by reading the lines on your palm, but instead by smelling your breath. They call her the Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
HMJ87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Um diddle iddle iddle um diddle aye
SpeedsterAll3n ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LoL ๐๐๐๐๐๐
samkaz21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one!
drsilentfart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use to say it as vexed edit: I still do but I use to too
i_wnat_die ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
AtlantisSky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Tha_Gnar_Car ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
vexed would make more sense actually since no wizardry was involved
flekkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:07 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get this one (non-native speaker).
Can someone dummy-spell it out for me please?
AtlantisSky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:28 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever see the movie Mary Poppins? It's a takr on the gibberish song they sing in the chalk painting: Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious.
flekkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:27 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah ok, yes Im somewhat familiar with that phrase, though not enough to think about it here.
Could not say that I think its funny now, but you know, jokes and explaining... Thanks a lot!
Liquid_Turbo_Boost ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hell yeah brother!
sunmutris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
help? anyone?
AtlantisSky ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:14:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
chimaj21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote. Have it.
Niyudi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eli5 plz :)
AtlantisSky ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:23:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
I can't link a YouTube video because I'm on mobile. But you can look it up. Or just go watch Mary Poppins (Julie Andrews and Dick van Dyke).
SuperMechaRoboHitler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gandhi was a mystic?
zerovin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think he aquires all his nukes?
VioletteVanadium ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:48:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*vexed
[deleted] ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 23:00:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DrakenKor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'll give you something to be disheartened about.
isaacides ยท 246 points ยท Posted at 23:04:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."
Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."
Dejected, the string leaves and returns home once again. A few weeks go bye, and the string decides to try his luck one more time. He ties himself up and pulls apart the top of his string to change his appearance. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks long and hard and says,"You look familiar. You've definitely been around here. Aren't you that string from a while back?"
The string looks him straight in the eye and says cooly,"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Edit: have to give credit where itโs due. Got this from my fiancรฉโs roommateโs dad. We connected pretty quickly based on our passion for the daddest of jokes.
Edit: typos/grammar
Steven-eh ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:23:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one I was waiting for
JeyJeyFrocks_3325 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got it from my mom, and it is my go-to favorite joke!
CutleryOfDoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always do this one with ropes! Itโs my absolute go-to
big-butts-no-lies ยท 203 points ยท Posted at 03:07:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I approached a man standing on the railing of a bridge. He was gonna jump.
I ran to him and said "don't do it!"
He said "nobody loves me."
I said "don't say that, God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said yes. I said "Me too, are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said Christian. I said "me too! Are you Protestant or Catholic?"
He said Protestant. I said "me too! What franchise?"
He said Baptist. I said "me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said Northern Baptist. I said "me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said Northern Conservative Baptist. I said "me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region. "I said me too! "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. And I said "DIE, HERETIC!" and I pushed him off the bridge.
GayFesh ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:31:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love Emo Philips.
vladoman ยท 939 points ยท Posted at 22:23:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before the invention of the train in 1804, people used to run wagons on your mom.
trendkill14 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:26:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was called a jumpoline til your mom got on one in 78
CommonSlime ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:02:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She's old AND a whore!
EdwardTennant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:02:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And high milage!
v0xmach1ne ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:13:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy fucking shit this is gold. It's a one-liner and sure to make someone spit out their drink if the mood is right.
LovesChristmas ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:44:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this one?
meceng97 ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 05:10:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When a group of males are lined up and take turns performing intercourse on a female they have successfully โran a trainโ. Before trains however, a common form of transportation would be the wagon. Hence the joke states that the mother is old (older than a train) and a whore (having multiple penises in her in a short period of timeโ. Hope this helps
BratEnder ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:15:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't get over the fact that you just spent this much effort explaining this to someone whose username is /u/LovesChristmas
IronSlanginRed ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:34:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it was still called a wagon train.....
ClaudeKaneIII ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:15:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if theres one thing that takes a good joke to the next level, its being pedantic
OSUBonanza ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gives a whole new meaning to that song โWagon Wheelโ thatโs for sure.
DingleMomMcGee13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha thatโs great. But just in case somebody else doesnโt get it...maybe we should explain it for them .-.
NeuroTittie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before the invention of the combustion engine, people used to run trains on your mom.
This version has the benefit of the emphasized phrase being โyour momโ instead of โwagonโ but suffers from the implication that people no longer run trains on the recipients mother which is presumably false.
Smaktat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:02 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
guy
Pisohigh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is fucking funny.
la_baconator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had me dying hahaha
Vehlenn ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes on you! The earth is your mom too! :P
woofhaus ยท 423 points ยท Posted at 22:35:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you ever smelled moth balls?" person says yes "How'd you get your head between his little legs?"
CaptainJellyfish7867 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:17:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why would they say yes though
ertgarb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:55:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Moth balls" are spheres of cedar wood, which has a distinct smell. They're used in closets to keep moths from eating certain fabrics. If you have seen them before it is likely you have smelled them.
Trojack31 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:01:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just submitted this one! I didnโt see it after scrolling forever. Credit where credit is due.
woofhaus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can ask me, if you want
surrealdelirium ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one might be my favourite so far. Never heard it before!
simple_polejam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got me.
KoodooWarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:13 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do moths fly with their legs apart? Have you seen the size of moth balls?!
MrHorseHead ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternative ending,
How'd you not inhale the moth?
nocaig ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 22:42:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats black white black white black white green?
Three penguins fighting over a pickle
WartyWartyBottom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:34:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It gets way creepier if theyโre nuns fighting over the pickle.
cosmo5963 ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 01:30:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Wanna hear a joke about a ghost
Person: Sure
Me: that's the spirit
Person: ๐
Tofu_Fried_Rice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ted Bundy doe
CaptainButtlet ยท 1700 points ยท Posted at 21:12:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms
Knock knock...
Whoโs there?
Not Sally.
GrandDukeOfNowhere ยท 798 points ยท Posted at 22:05:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did sally get for Christmas?
gloves
just kidding: she hasn't been able to open her presents yet.
betelgeux ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 23:49:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Sally go after the bomb went off?
EVERYWHERE!!!
sheet_spreader ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 22:27:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And now there is spit on my monitor
Nesman64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unbelieving monitor.
Tommy2255 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:48:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ebee617 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:56:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice follow up. Holy shit. You knocked it out if the ballpark, Sally never could have.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:52:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
bigwhiskey103 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:36:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not arm cancer though.
brutalanglosaxon ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:54:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the orphan with no hands get for Christmas? Cancer.
JerHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
She hasnโt been able to open her presents since the accident.
Herohalv4 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 22:57:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you want to take the joke to new levels of unfunny, try cancer instead of gloves
GodMonster ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:42:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on the floor?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a recliner?
It's Matt again, he got up off the floor.
bg-j38 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:22:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call that same guy in the middle of the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call that guy when he floats to the beach?
Sandy.
TurquoiseLuck ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:43:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a guy with a spade on his head?
Doug.
rcmaddox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same guy in a pot of water : Stew
NinjatheClick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:22:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
same guy water skiing? Skip.
jayospigayo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no spade on his head?
Dougless.
What do you call a guy with a sound recorder?
Mike.
RippinDankBonks ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 22:50:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Billy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a bus
TheAveragePsycho ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:15:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the idiots house.
Knock knock..
Who's there?
The Chicken.
maidentaiwan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:34:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
expanded the child contents hoping to find this one. success.
worldasis ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:42:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it this way:
Why did Sally fall off her swing?
She didn't have any arms.
Why didn't Sally get back on her swing?
She didn't have any legs.
What did Sally get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did Sally want for Christmas?
Better parents.
I really like the knock knock addition though. I think I'll add it to the list!
WestCoastHopHead ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:12:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this one, but you gotta wait some time before going into the knock knock joke.
GimpsterMcgee ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:52:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta leave a gap between them. The slow realization makes it that much better.
TedTheViking ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:54:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not Sally who?
Emanegro ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:16:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And why she couldn't stand up afterwards?
She had no legs
And why did she die?
She fell face down in a puddle.
What kind of horrible person places a sack of potatoes in a swing?
All of that while keeping a straight face and saying "you have no heart, laughing about something like that" while they keep laughing uncontrollably
jillieboobean ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:49:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit. I added this joke here before reading this thread. Just saw yours.
My three year old daughter tells this joke all the time. Her older brother and sister taught it to her and rehearsed it with her til she got it perfect.
You think this joke is funny, wait til you hear a 3 year old tell it lol.
Walking_Meatloaf ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:55:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did sally get for Christmas?
Cancer
What did she get for Christmas the next year?
Nothing, she didnโt live that long.
spoopy_elliot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
slapemjackem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt Helen Keller drive?
Because sheโs a woman.
Why canโt Helen Keller drive a train?
Because sheโs dead.
modern_messiah43 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere!
Ebee617 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first joke in the thread I laughed out loud at. What does that say about my torrid sense of humor??
Jolly good show.
iwsfutcmd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually follow that one with:
THUMP THUMP
Who's there?
Oh, there she is.
bestoboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the one I know is, after the no arms,
Why didn't she get on?
Because she had no legs
Why didn't anyone help her?
Because she's black/a woman!
then do the knock knock
pencer ยท 1370 points ยท Posted at 20:37:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
beestingers ยท 522 points ยท Posted at 21:38:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
reminds me of:
whats the difference between a fridge and your mom?
the fridge doesnt fart when i pull my meat out of it.
username_offline ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 23:27:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's thew differewnce between your mom and a washing machine?
When I drop a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow me around for a week
(thank you Tina Fey)
RidiculousIncarnate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/xFh8bGAgBBw
TurquoiseLuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick down your mom's throat.
commit_bat ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 23:24:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After cross referencing some jokes I've come to the conclusion that your mom is gay
TappWaterStudios ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 23:42:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No u
agree-with-you ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:42:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you both
SHMUCKLES_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:57:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard that one as โwhats the difference between your mum and a freezer?โ
โThe freezer doesnโt queef when you pull the meat outโ
underwriter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
or the difference between a washing machine and your mom?
the washing machine doesnโt call me for a week after a drop a load in it
DickWork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:44:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between your Mom and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't call me every day for a month after I dump a load into it.
KoodooWarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:20 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the SIMILARITY between your mum and a fridge? They both drip when they're fucked
smoothasababysass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one better. Actually loled
wolvern76 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:42:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"It was a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard, or so literally."
TerminallyILL ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 22:52:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo mama so ugly her blowjobs count as anal
slowsuby ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:40:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of my go to joke in middle school.
What does Monika Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?
They both prefer their bill inserted face up.
SheeEttin ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:28:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Since nobody tells Monica Lewinsky jokes any more, I'll just share all the ones I know:
There's a President's Day sale at Macy's, all men's pants are half off.
She takes a dress to the cleaner, and explains to him about the mustard stain. The man is hard of hearing and says "I'm sorry, come again?" She says no, this time it's mustard.
I know there are others, but I can't remember them... I'll come back if I do.
NinjatheClick ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:02:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the fluidic capacity of Monica Lewinsky 's mouth?
One US liter (leader).
Reagonlol ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:44:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't seen a video online of your mom taking a joke
NickeKass ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:24:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between your joke and your dick?
No ones laughing at your joke.
noiwontpickaname ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:00:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like the spoiler tag, it gives the suspense and timing of a spoken joke.
Bocote ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:31:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine the next step of this would be you getting repeatedly punched by the other guy while you scream "dude it's a joke! it's only a joke!!"
ChronicNova ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:32:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo mama jokes are over used and getting old... JUST LIKE YO MAMA
iamnotasloth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only joke in this thread that actually made me laugh out loud. Well done.
shatteredarm1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke gets better if you add a third dick.
Marauder_Pilot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:08:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, this joke just gets funnier the more dicks you add, to a point of dimishing returns.
BadLuckProphet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between the Beatles and your mom? The Beetles are a famous music group and your mother's a whore.
gk3coloursred ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I found my new favourite way to get punched.
daother-guy ยท 440 points ยท Posted at 23:59:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does the fish say after running into a wall?
Damn.
chessant2014 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:17:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the wall say?
Dumb bass.
proskillz ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:39:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dam*
pizzabagel2468 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:55:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it should be โdamโ ๐
Alterego63755 ยท 385 points ยท Posted at 00:29:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who was born with 5 dicks? It wreaked havoc with his sex life, but his underwear fit like a glove.
hottubcereal ยท 769 points ยท Posted at 19:53:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the farmer that won an award?
He was outstanding in his field!
[deleted] ยท 258 points ยท Posted at 19:59:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this one with a scarecrow, not a farmer
AliceGoesToXanadu ยท 165 points ยท Posted at 20:12:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Scarecrow makes more sense. The farmer's not doing his job otherwise
Gotham94 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:44:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Farmers tend to survey their crops, so maybe.
alficles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:30:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. Turn out the scarecrow was a cop. He prevented a murder.
Mortimer14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:10:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's why he's using a scarecrow ... so he doesn't have to do his job.
TerminallyILL ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:51:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When asked how he does such an amazing job, the scarecrow replies "Hay, its in my jeans"
professorseagull ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:37:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But hay, it's all in his jeans!
TheLastPromethean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad would tell this one when we drove past a cow pasture with a single cow, or one off away from the field. He'd point at the cow and say "That is a truly gifted cow", and when someone would ask why, he'd say "Well, he's out standing in his field."
Julayyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve heard it with the scarecrow too and then it ends with โbut hay, itโs in his jeans!โ
yipidee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:18:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hear about the magic tractor? Drove down the lane and turned into a field
tombsar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door? When it's a jar.
slapemjackem ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that guy who lost his left side?
Heโs all-right now.
Rishloos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:22:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always see this one while I'm playing Tiny Tower, lol.
Meltz014 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
mccofred ยท 483 points ยท Posted at 22:35:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a fishmongers with a large fish under his arm. "Do you have any fishcakes?"
"Yes" the fishmonger replys
Points at fish, "Good, as it's his birthday tomorrow"
jonnielaw ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:08:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I picture Terry Gilliam and John Cleese doing this bit.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:01:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok this one is my new favorite
nudgedout ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:22:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wholesome joke
BeenThruIt ยท 500 points ยท Posted at 22:30:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you feed a gay horse?
Hey~
PvtDeth ยท 374 points ยท Posted at 23:27:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somehow, the tilde totally expresses what you're trying to say there.
Machiavellian3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:00:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because the tone raises and falls like the tilde does
ChuckIsSatan ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 23:48:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somehow, that tilde perfectly captured the tone of voice required, good job
BiFross_ ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:01:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horsecock.
SheeEttin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poppycock.
Actually you could probably use "poppycock" as a punchline for something.
SailedBasilisk ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:50:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay... opiates eat?
jordanjokesonyourmom ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:05:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
poppycock
NeptunesSon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:31:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do heroine addicts suck for drugs?
HotPringleInYourArea ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:35:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....anything?
NeptunesSon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As long as the drug is Heroine. Cock for poppy, I guess.
ElevatorMuzic ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 23:12:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve heard,
What do gay horses eat?
Haaayyy
What do lesbian horses eat?
Each other
drgolovacroxby ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard it as follows:
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaaaaayyy
What do lesbian horses eat?
hey.
TheHoneyCreeper ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:21:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing use of the tilde.
ProfessorBear56 ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 00:22:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit I read the Hey~ aloud on the bus, and this guy the seat across gives me a wink
InfanticideAquifer ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:50:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... why would you do that?
Do you just read everything you see on reddit out loud in public?
ProfessorBear56 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is...is that not, normal?
NeptunesSon ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:32:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's gonna sell their soul tonight?~I-C-U-P
Edit: Changed it to what it should be.
ProfessorBear56 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, I see what you did there
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:17:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
now kiss
ProfessorBear56 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:45:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alas, my Romeo has left
Fredbob64 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:35:05 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you feed a black horse?
Hey-hey-hey
What do you feed a straight horse?
HEY (in a deep offended voice)
What do you feed a Mexican horse?
Que?
Nail_Biterr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:21:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this joke except I change the punchline to "horse cock"
Sisterbeast ยท 270 points ยท Posted at 00:16:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a little Mexican?
A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
burzelpaum ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:59:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hรค?
MechaVader ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:11:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite an esรฉ
Asshole_from_Texas ยท 787 points ยท Posted at 20:02:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are a lot like food, Not everyone gets it.
traffick ยท 293 points ยท Posted at 21:47:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Simultaneously socially aware and socially insensitive. Love it!
L3D_Cobra ยท 423 points ยท Posted at 22:15:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are like people. Not everyone appreciates the dark ones.
luffy300mb ยท 173 points ยท Posted at 22:47:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humor is like children with cancer, neither gets old.
ProfessorBear56 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ยด0.0`
fried_grapes ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:28:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are like jokes. Not everyone appreciates dark people. What?
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 00:12:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 01:13:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
See now, the difference is his is skirting the line of racism, while yours is bathing in it
HotPringleInYourArea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, Jesus
Coffeezilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So are the mild pringles in my area? The spicy ones make my bum weep.
Asshole_from_Texas ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 21:49:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your response actually really improves my day!
hank_burgle ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:40:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First one so far that actually made me laugh.
CannonEyes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:44:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever had African cuisine?
Neither have they
With-a-Cactus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:57:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, never gets old.
MrHall ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:39:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my humour so dark it picks cotton
Tommy2255 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:50:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punchline of this joke is like Ethiopian food.
...
morethebito ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:38:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Much funnier this way
uristMcBadRAM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
god damn I hate the way that joke is usually presented.
N0rthside_Donutz ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 23:17:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
morethebito ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:19:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Meh
Sam_The_Man_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:08:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I've heard this one, jokes is replaced with dark humor. Still love it though!
Mooch07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:16 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Communism jones aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
Madrun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, like an Ethopian breakfast!
trench_welfare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better, but it kills the frog.
iordseyton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever eaten Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
ocean365 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐ฌ
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 21:22:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
elee0228 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:31:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually buy it at the supermarket.
cosmoceratops ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:33:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get as in possess. I heard it as "dark humor is like food..." Some people don't have access to food.
Or maybe the previous poster is just high. In that case, get would mean understand. As in, "I understand this rolo on a deep personal level."
titlewhore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:30:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
money.
DeadlyLazer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:41:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
stumbleinlife ยท 199 points ยท Posted at 23:02:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:07:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ScootaFL ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:54:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got em blew off in โnam.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mcgriptrician ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was WWII
brocalmotion ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:51:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pool?
Bob
succaneers ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:22:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Matt
Pumpsnhose ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:32:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene. What do you call her Asian counterpart? Irene.
Kenneth_Kaizer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:41:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I smiled like an idiot for this one. Thank you kind sir.
golfslave1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey damn it, that's my joke!
Bernie12345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lieutenant Dan!
dothedew87 ยท 640 points ยท Posted at 19:52:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
jackhackery ยท 315 points ยท Posted at 20:12:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
By a Duracell. He was charged with battery.
Dexaan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:59:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Must have been in Philadelphia.
Stat_Cat ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 23:54:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Headline:
ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED Charged with Battery
camarang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:31 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/n00bs
commit_bat ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:22:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were zwei peanuts walking down der strasse und one was assaulted. Peanut. Oh ho ho ho ho [national anthem]
dothedew87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:56:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Nuparurocks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:04:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/ienp4J3pW7U
wobblyweasel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a clue for ppl with poor listening skills pls
jellyman93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:11:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funniest joke in the world was weaponised by translating into german, germans retaliate by broadcasting a joke over the radio, but it's just the peanuts one with a couple of words still in german.
9:00 in
jredmond ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best part of that whole sketch was the dig at Neville Chamberlain.
Scamperillium ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:13:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One nut was chasing another and shouted 'Ima Cashew'
ehrwien ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... peanut.
Fallawaybud ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are now a moderator for r/Gamegrumps
Atlantis_Morissette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my all time favorite
onefst250r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other one was nut.
Fingerman2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Many people died over that joke.
nopeX1ooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
comments exact same thing. scrolls down two comments. sees this. iwannadie.png
Poem_for_your_sprog ยท 4819 points ยท Posted at 22:30:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He sat and sighed beside the road -
His engine's gasket blown.
His car was old and cold and towed.
The man was left alone.
'I need to find a place to stay
Until it's fixed,' he spoke -
But as he rose to walk away
Arrived a band of folk.
They said: 'You're warmly welcome here
To while away the night!
We're godly monks, and living near -
We walk the path of light.'
With thanks, the man inclined his head,
And through the dusky gloom -
He followed where the Abbot led,
Who showed him to a room.
'Goodnight and fare thee well to you -
Sleep tight!' the Abbot said.
'And may your dreams be just and true,
Inside your humble bed.'
But when he tried to sleep, he found
A noise that started small -
The most surprising, splendid sound
Emerging through the wall.
It made him think of sirens song -
The secret chimes of Mars -
The shrouded space where dreams belong -
The voice beyond the stars.
It made him think of hearts that yearn -
The rhymes of wings unfurled -
The passing beat of time to turn -
The light beneath the world.
It made him think of love and peace -
The silent bliss behind -
The perfect place where problems cease
To vex the waking mind.
The morning broke.
The man awoke.
'What was it, monks?' he cried.
'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke -
'You're not a monk,' they sighed.
'But what a sense the sounds evoke!
Oh tell me, friends!' he cried.
'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke -
'You're not a monk,' they sighed.
'I have to know!' the man explained,
And so, without remorse -
He joined the house, and prayed and trained,
To find the noise's source.
He took the Test of Absent Bliss -
The Woes of Anguish Drowned -
He braved the Gulf of Faith's Abyss -
And all to find the sound.
He stood before the Secret Sect -
The Path of Rousing Ploys -
He stepped the steps of Last Respect -
And all to find the noise.
He crossed the Gate of Constant Grief -
The Voids of Now and Then -
He walked the Road of Lost Belief -
To hear it once again.
And when he'd pained and strained and bled,
And most his life had passed -
'You're ready now,' the others said,
'To see the source at last.'
They took him where the air was fair,
And where, inside a trunk...
I'd love to tell you what was there.
Alas, you're not a monk.
Calligraphee ยท 1081 points ยท Posted at 22:48:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have never seen this joke in poem form before. It is made even more majestic that I would have ever dreamed possible. Thank you.
zwinny2 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:51:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I have to read it
Machiavellian3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:55:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it with the orange peel and the piece of string
chamllw ยท 273 points ยท Posted at 22:46:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Splendid. Now where do I get ordained?
Maximumwolf99 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:38:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got ordained here
HappyLederhosen ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:58:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's very interesting and actually pretty cool. Thanks!
seth2371 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:55 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have to admit, I was expecting to get rick rolled
tjonnyc999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:53:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't tell you.
song_pond ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 22:57:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always forget the punchline of this joke until about halfway through, and then I hate it. You made me love this joke. Well done!
pantstickle ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 01:27:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know youโre telling a joke, but this is one of your more impressive poems. You made an old classic joke into a poem! So awesome!
icarus14 ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 22:51:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never realized I needed a joke in poem form! Beauty
giveer ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 00:02:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to go on 20 - 30 minute rants telling this joke sending the character across fields, desert, military depots and signs that would send him down 8000 flights of stairs to "go downstairs and get the key" over and over and over. I have no idea how I ever said the joke more than once, but my friends would get me to re-tell it to anyone who hadn't heard it before. The last time I told it was probably 20 years ago at least. I told it so many times and the joke is drawn out so annoyingly long, I don't miss it one bit. :)
Hypothesis_Null ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 23:33:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How might a crowd receive a ruse?
A punchline that's denied?
Well Timmy sought to know first hand,
and Timmy Fucking died.
DerpHounD ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:51:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I assume you play a bard?
Undecided_User_Name ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 22:45:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
slow clap
Well done my friend
Sophex_Ekko ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 23:25:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In case anyone wants the "Original" version of this joke.
ManicGypsy ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 22:52:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know that I'm not a monk? I could easily be a monk.
Feet2Big ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 23:22:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then you would know what the sound was.
ManicGypsy ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 23:26:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I already know what it was. It was Timmy! And Timmy fucking died!
blade85 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:05:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You only ever pray when you invoke your alts :)
DeezBiscuits16 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:49:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I understand you must get a lot of these, but other than the ones about Timmy, this was the greatest poem I have ever read in my life. I donโt understand how famous poets were so complex and yet they became known as the greatest poets in the world. In my honest opinion, you sir, are the greatest poet on this planet. If you donโt start trying to publish your own poems I will be sad. You have a way of putting it where in your poems it sounds like a grand story being told, but unlike other poets, yours are easy to understand. Your poems are the best in existence. They take you through all the motions but lack the ability to leave your audience pondering on what their point was in that poem. You have such a way with words to be able to blatantly write such perfect, smoothly flowing poems that rhyme perfectly, make so much sense that a child could understand it, and yet carry you through an entire novel all in one. You sir are truly the best. I will be 100% melancholy if you do not at least try to publish some of your work. Simply the best thing Iโve ever read. Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
HardlightCereal ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:15:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/3aungz/hi_im_sam_garland_aka_upoem_for_your_sprog_ive/
DeezBiscuits16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh thank you so much for this. Since that was 2 years ago I hope he has kept it up.
AlCrawtheKid ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:21:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend's grandfather used to continue the story as a bedtime story. Tell it to them in 10-20 minute chunks, send the man over field and hills and battling monsters.
He visited once a week.
Two months later, he finally finished.
Sihnar ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:49:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beautifully written. Should be a folk song.
rab7 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:56:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or the lyrics to a prog metal anthem
infez ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:46:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More like SPROG metal anthem!
Sypsy ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:09:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've once told an hour long version of this joke...
But this... this is something else. very nice!
trogdortb001 ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 22:34:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wow I'm here for an early sprog once in my life
dougan25 ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:58:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And this is your comment? You blew it man.
Nibodhika ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:23:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The ending reminded me of one my dad used to tell... So even if I'm not a monk I know what was in the trunk.
A monk talks with other monk about how hard his celibacy vote has become, tho other monk offers a solution, he says there's a hollow trunk on a tree in the forest nearby, if he goes there after the mass, there's a hole in there, he'll know what to do... So he goes there, and a bit reluctantly sticks his dick in the hole, it feels good, warm and soft, so he keeps going until he finishes. A week passes by, he decides to go again, but this time it's rough and what you would expect from trying to fuck a tree. So he goes to his college and says "Brother, I went to the tree today, but it was not like the first time" to which the other monk replies "Oh, forgot to tell you, Wednesday is your turn inside the trunk"
rageofthegods ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 23:11:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When punchline last forthcoming been,
I jumped and clapped and cheered,
I sang and danced at having seen
a poem when it first appeared.
The joy I felt within my heart
Was sadly quickly halted,
When walking home with peanut friends
I saw one was a salted.
jetpacksforall ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:40:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mother goddamn fucker.
sushi_cw ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:25:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You picked my favorite joke to do this for. <3
julianss21 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:52:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking 2 minutes wasted
BetaDecay121 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:23:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a professional poet? If not, you should be
mattaugamer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:46:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love jokes like this because they play with the form. One of my favourites is The Purple Box. Like all shaggy dog jokes this is best if played for way too long. The longer the better. The basic form is a kid who hears something at school about "the purple box". He asks his teacher what it is, and the teacher is appalled. The teacher slaps him across the mouth. His parents are shocked that he was hit and ask why. He says he asked about The Purple Box and they're outraged as well, and take turns beating him. This goes on for the rest of his life. He becomes obsessed with finding out what the purple box is but everyone he ask hits him. He becomes homeless and crazy. The asks a man one day who is angry with and beats him to death. Finally he stands before St Peter. Finally he'll get the truth. What is the purple box?
St Peter is OUTRAGED. He hits him too. Then he casts him down to hell. In hell he stands before Satan, who says "Weird, you don't belong here. What did you do to get sent?" The man says he asked about the purple box. Satan is.. amused. "You know what it is?!" Satan laughs "Know it? I invented it!" "Well? What is it?!"
"It's a 20 minute joke with no punchline"
onemanandhishat ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:46:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, if we're on poetry, let me share my favourite passage from the anti-war play Journey's End:
Holy_Moonlight_Sword ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:15:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That is a really fantastic adaptation of that joke to poetry form
RockyValderas ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:01:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs a long go-to joke.
slothscantswim ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:32:33 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bravo, this is my favorite poem. Iโve only read the the one, but thatโs beside the point.
Cafrilly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:38:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this. I'm going to memorize it so I can use it on people.
Stellapacifica ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I suppose you're well acquainted with the Saga of Nate the Snake? Right up your alley that is.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love you.
cloudmerchant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:35:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're a legend. This is easily the best thing I've read today.
MunchmaKoochy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:48:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Simply amazing!
FazzleDazzleBigB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was beautiful
Forlorn_Swatchman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:53:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually just an awesome poem
pialligo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:25:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That some real sprog shit.
EyeMiceElf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:37:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โThe secret chimes of Marsโ is a gorgeous turn of phrase...
CaptainExtravaganza ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:34:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I will pay you $100 if you do the clown joke too.
C477um04 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:32:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're so good at this whenever I see your name I upvote first then read the comment.
Salathiel2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:06:59 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So much better than mine. Mine is essentially the same, but with a scratching noise behind a door, and the priest says the man must study for 7 years, 7 months, 7 weeks, 7 days, 7 hours, 7 minutes, and 7 seconds. I end up repeating that bout of 7s about 7 times, if I can.
Also, mine doesn't rhyme. Now, I have to know... Do you have this memorized, or written somewhere?
crispychoc ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:11:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre writing is just awesome, I hope you make a living of it, if not you should !
PM_ME_YOUR_AoE2HD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They do. They just also happen to be a Reddit regular.
splim ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:16:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. Epic!
Nyriae ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:01:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I first saw how long was this post, skipped to the comments... and the comments convinced me to read it all.
I have no regrets, it's a good poem, thanks.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:20:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're adorable.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:18:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Timmy fucking died.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Quite the go-to joke.
nwL_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I started reading this out loud before I had it read once through, and realized itโs one of the perfect jokes to tell at a family gathering or something. It just has this little something mixed with a ton of artistic ability.
themage1028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:37:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dang blast it. Now I have to go join a monastery.
GrandMoffAtreides ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is even more disheartening as a poem. Good job!
mariepon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I expected this and yet not
ehrwien ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the most beautiful shaggy dog story I have ever read, even better than www.natethesnake.com
Dailynator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god. A friend got me with this one Friday night. I was trying to leave because I was tired but he convinced me to read all of it. I was so mad yet equally impressed by the end.
JakubSwitalski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it ๐ค๐ค
Unit91 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:56:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
JakubSwitalski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its disappointongly anticlimactic
____o_0____ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:53:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:/
PeriwinklePitbull ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sprog!!! I was just thinking how i haven't seen a post from you in a while.
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:06:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The rare first-level Sprog
yousernamecolon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite way to tell this is to just stop after I say he found out what it was. So someone can ask and you just respond "you have to be a monk to know."
CranialFlatulence ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think this would be infinitely better if the whole thing was told in first person. The swap from third person to first for that last line really confused me.
HardlightCereal ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:16:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The last line is talking to the reader
CranialFlatulence ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah...took me forever to figure that out. But apparently Iโm in the minority.
rab7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:57:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2nd person actually. It's addressing "You", the reader.
CranialFlatulence ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:30:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was referencing the entire story being in the format of "He" doing stuff, then swapping to "I'd love to tell..."
rab7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My bad, I see what you mean
IAmPixel ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:42:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Came here via facebook and never more pleased to click a Sprog link.
Alphageek11644 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:56:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
23 mins after a sprog and what thanks do i get? Rick rolled.
i_am_another_you ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
but.. but .. I am a monk !
Asheyguru ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:18:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, so you know what makes the sound!
RicanSamurai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That truly was incredible. I'll have to memorize this one
temporary_login ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't even with this.
cold_and_blank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was beautiful!
InterstellarBlue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bravo. Really, bravo.
vladimir_lem0n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first time Iโve seen a Sprog poem as a reply to a post instead of as a reply to a comment. Nice job as always.
Doctor_Rainbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice.
samskie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As soon as I realized it was a limerick I restarted it and sang it out loud the whole way through. Bravo ๐
LoopyChew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:01:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not, but it's in common meter. You can sing it to a lot of songs. Amazing Grace, House of the Rising Sun, Gilligan's Island, the original 4Kids Pokรฉmon themeโฆ
samskie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:26 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're fun.
LoopyChew ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:46:28 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fine, have a limerick version!
A man sat on the side of the road,
his car with a hood overflowed.
So he set off to find
A person so kind
As to offer him room and abode.
As he ambled across the land,
He happened upon a band
Of folk with warm greeting
"Good fortune, us meeting!
We're happy to lend a hand.
"We're monks and our pri'ry is near,
Toward us did the Lord bid you steer,
It's our duty to aid
Folks like you so waylaid;
Feel free to pass your evening here."
The man settled in for the night,
With pillow and blanket tucked tight.
But before he could sleep
A small sound seemed to creep in
And it stayed in his head, tried he might.
It started so simple and low
But it grew 'till it swallowed him whole
A sound at once thunderous
And yet quiet and wonderous;
For once he knew nothing of woe.
With ecstasy unparalleled,
The sound seemed to cast him a spell.
His thoughts filled with love
And with angels above
And his heart full of happiness swelled.
The following morrow he found
At first light all the monks were abound.
"Good day, sirs!" he greeted,
"There's something I need, if
you'd kindly tell me of that sound!"
The monks had no need to confer;
With nary a beat, they deferred.
"It's a secret that's kept
from even Adepts,
you MUST be a monk!" they concurred.
"I must know of that sound, I insist!"
The traveler tried to persist.
But despite his tenacity
To reveal the veracity
The brothers would always resist.
"Please tell me!" he asked, response "nay!"
"Firstly, be one with our way.
"If you wish to glean
the sound's origin,
You MUST be a monk," they would say.
"You cannot find out with sheer force;
Let God set you on His good course.
If you join our order,
be one with the Lord,
We'll gladly reveal its source."
And so did the traveler give in,
gave up all his worldly sin.
He started his training
So he could attain
That sound which transcended the din.
Through every hardship endured
To make the man righeous and pure,
If once more he could hear
That sound in his ear
Then that was sufficient allure.
Through The Portal of Grief Unsurpassed,
The Bridge of Sorrow Amassed,
The Peak of Despair, and
The Treacherous Lair,
His want of the sound did hold fast.
Through every trial and strife
That took many years of his life,
The thoughts of the joys
He gained from the noise
Was enough to brave miseries rife.
The traveler was eighty years old
When the brothers brought him to the fold.
"Your training is done,
The hour is come.
The source of the sound can be told."
They set it down with a large plunk
A massive but heavenly trunk
Its top lid unsealed
To the traveler revealed--
To know what, you MUST be a monk.
LoopyChew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:37 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could try it in haiku if you want!
Limerick? Not quite. It's more like common meter, Like lots of songs are.
surrealdelirium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm already fond of your comments when I see them crop up here and there, but you've really outdone yourself this time. Absolutely brilliant!
Ry2D2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone should make a book out of every poem you commented with some context for what each was in reply to.
verdatum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The thing I love about this Emily Dickinson meter is that poems using it can always be sung to the Gilligan's Island theme song.
AwesomeJohn01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Jimmy fucking died
Madlibsluver ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:18:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great shaggy dog
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:15:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Write a song you fuck.
Unit91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:57:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Be polite you fuck
APearce ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:13:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to hurt you.
TwentyTwoTwelve ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bet you're great fun at parties.
higgerblick5 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:59:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A p fresh sprog
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 23:32:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SpikeShroom ยท 352 points ยท Posted at 00:09:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second scientist says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The bartender looks up and tells them, "I'm not serving either of you; that's a stupid way to ask for water."
JohnRossRWTD ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 03:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The second scientist throws up uncontrollably
TheDanime ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 10:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve only heard the anti joke version of this
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second scientist says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The bartender looks up serves them both water because he understands how proper English grammar works enough to understand the second scientists request.
bopeepsheep ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 10:49:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first scientist says "I'll have some H2O."
The second scientist says "Dammit Eric, stop trying to kill me!"
eoliveri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was the second scientist a blonde?
feorlike ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 22:15:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher
grabbag21 ยท 124 points ยท Posted at 00:29:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The nice lesbian couple next door gave me a Rolex for Christmas. It was incredibly generous of them but I donโt think they understood me when I told them โI wanna watch.โ
Enriquehotpantz ยท 186 points ยท Posted at 00:04:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
(You either get someone who finds it somewhat funny, or someone go gives you the look like youโre stupid, which I think is really really funny. So for me this joke never fails!)
Syslox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when the butcherโs wife backs in to the meat grinder? Disaster
Rogueshadow_32 ยท 415 points ยท Posted at 22:20:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
Zapp---Brannigan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:58:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahah good one
betty85 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:48:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
Zapp---Brannigan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:06:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Luke?
shenuhcide ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:05:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm really glad I scrolled all the way down here for this one. This one is a keeper.
cyllibi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:55:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never tell dad jokes. He died when I was 3.
phrantastic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:14 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would be terrified if my dad laughed at my jokes, he died 3 years ago.
juancamdingo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:00:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay.. so there's two muffins in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second and says, "is it just me, or is it hot in here?" The second muffin says, " HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
luhluhlucas ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 02:15:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dick was in the guinness book of world records. (Until the librarian threatened to call security.)
basil_instinct ยท 1212 points ยท Posted at 20:25:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? choking noises
rogert2 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:40:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never been so amused and turned on at the same time.
!redditsilver
If I only remember one joke from this thread, I hope this is it.
eckadagan ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:51:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one on this thread to actually make me laugh out loud! Well done!
Julian_rc ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 20:57:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I... I don't get it?
[deleted] ยท 130 points ยท Posted at 21:00:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Blowjob humor
Julian_rc ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 21:05:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I kinda assumed it was about fellatio but I thought 'gagging noise' would have been more appropriate
King-of-the-Sky ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:16:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, gagging is synonymous with chocking
poneil ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:24:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I guess we'll have to just chalk that up as a simple misunderstanding.
_rooooar ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 21:00:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine you're Lance Armstrong...
Julian_rc ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 21:06:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OK so I go to the moon then what?
tjstanley ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 22:00:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then you play jazz music
Fed_up_with_Reddit ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:43:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, thatโs Louis Armstrong. Youโre think of the superhero who can extend his limbs.
SuperDupler ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:48:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dhalsim
GimmeThePizza ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:42:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No that's stretch Armstrong
NeptunesSon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the Strong-Arm Alchemist myself. Boy does he have limbs to stretch.
tjonnyc999 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:59:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know, Bic corporation missed one hell of a sponsor opportunity with that guy.
Just imagine... "Lance Armstrong... Sponsored by Uni-Ball"
lezzieknope ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:01:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
think below the belt.
MrRieper ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:02:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a joke about deep-throating.
Kaiju_Kitty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard this before. New favorite.
gngr_ale ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:17:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any reason why Cinderella specifically?
Lego_C3PO ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:25:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because Cinderella went to the ball...
LiquorishSunfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:14:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Both of them, actually.
jackalopacabra ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:02:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because not everyone knows your mom
Nolioski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do!.. did i say that out loud?
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 1637 points ยท Posted at 22:40:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Hey, do you want a beer?"
The horse thinks a moment, says "I think not", and suddenly disappears.
Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher Renee Descartes, who famously said "I think, therefore I am". The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't... but if I explained that first, I'd be putting Descartes before da horse.
Rigolution ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 23:54:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke to two of my friends, one studies philosophy and the other doesn't think I'm funny so she ignored me.
The first one couldn't stop laughing so the second made me tell it again. She still doesn't think I'm funny.
jwm3 ยท 152 points ยท Posted at 23:58:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic call back http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cfbkx/im_85_certain_that_there_is_an_adult_actress_in/c0s6bzw?context=2
Jusclalas ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:39:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of the greatest puns on Reddit, if not the best.
I remember where I was when I first read this pun. I was at a haunted house, the idea of which admitted made me a little scared, but the house's owner promised me that there would be a guard to protect me throughout the night, which made me a feel a little better.
The clock struck midnight, but still no guard had arrived. Suddenly, my bed started to creak below me. I felt a breeze pass by the back of my head, and twirled around in fright, but alas, nothing was there.
Fifteen minutes passed by, and just about at the time when I was feeling a little safer, I heard a growl eminating from the closet. Terrified, I pulled the bed's covers up to my chest and shrieked. The closet door creaked open, and I listened in pure terror as the footsteps of a lumbering beast approached me. Slowly, the beast turned it's yellow eyes toward me, and at that moment, I knew I was a dead man.
Suddenly, the shot of a rifle rung out, and the beast slumped to its side. My life was spared - the guard had arrived.
Sweating profusely, I asked the guard, "Why didn't you arrive sooner? I almost lost my life!"
"Ah yes," the guard replied. "I could have arrived sooner... but, after all, that would be putting the guard before the horrors."
rogert2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not all heroes wear capes.
Holy shit that's good.
Kerbobotat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I immediatley thought of this one!
Ulti ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh wow the edits on that are awesome, haha.
MarchingTrombonist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:09:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/u/fiercelyfriendly
fiercelyfriendly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:14:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโre in!
MarchingTrombonist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:15:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Again? Nice
fiercelyfriendly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:18:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! I thought it was familiar!
swohio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was completely set up on purpose.
professorseagull ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:43:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the rodeo star quit the rodeo to study philosophy? He put Descartes before the horse
pialligo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:33:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โDescartes before the whoresโ is the classic version on reddit, one of the most apt comments ever. Show some deference.
Also, Renee is a girlโs name. Renรฉ with one e is what youโre looking for.
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:29:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had literally never heard that version before someone linked it in these comments.
fcuknuckle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:18 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoof hearted ?
HateTimes8 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:00:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow...I'm going to use this one
WildWook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pseudo-intellectual joke of the day
fcuknuckle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:36 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoof hearted ?
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a pun on putting The Cart before The Horse, combined with an older joke about Renee Descartes 'thinking not' and disappearing, because the pun is easier for people to understand.
ApocryphalBumph ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds similar in principle to Bill Bailey's 'pub joke'
https://youtu.be/H0RMu6d3QDw
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Flatterer :-)
Ethnicmike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite.
iamianyouarenot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is by far my favorite so far.
almightyfrog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The most highbrow joke on here yet
fcuknuckle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:05 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoof hearted ?
theiman2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Commenting so I can find this easily later.
fcuknuckle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:21 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoof hearted ?
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:19 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who farted?
fcuknuckle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:07 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Exacery
nosomathete ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it works better if you say "Descartes walks into a bar..."
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:41:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I find that the "Descartes walks into a bar" version leaves the folks who don't know who Descartes is in the dust.
This way, the more uncomfortable they get with the depths you have to go to explain what is at its face a terrible joke, the better their relief when the punchline is just a pun.
fcuknuckle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:01 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoof hearted ?
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:01:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Dracon_Pyrothayan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:38:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did not actually get the joke from Reddit.
The person I got it from might've, to be honest.
What's the post to which you're referring?
jacquesrk ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 00:07:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend the college student went to the red light district in Amsterdam and told me he actually had an interesting discussion about philosophy with some of the ladies in one of the houses of entertainment there. I told him "so you were putting Descartes before the whores"
daddy_december ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 00:39:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How's drinking Miller Lite like having sex in a canoe?
They're both fucking close to water.
DaFreak686 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dying...send halp
Horst665 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:41:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Monty Python is still awesome :)
https://youtu.be/JbxfFOdp-bY
[deleted] ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 01:41:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
LiquidXe ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:06:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one.
theketchams ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 22:27:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing but it let out a little wine!
snazzymoa ยท 289 points ยท Posted at 22:02:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt seagulls live by the bay? Because they would be bagels. Itโs my go too but it always fails
DoesntGetWhatIronyIs ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:16:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cakeday
commaspace18 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:46:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot
DoesntGetWhatIronyIs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm not a bot I just really like telling people happy cakeday, it seems to make peopleโs days a little bit better.
snazzymoa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you sir your mission has been accomplished :)
DoesntGetWhatIronyIs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:)
Rand4m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
User name checks out! gives /u/commaspace18 a high five
DoesntGetWhatIronyIs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
<3
Imnotreallytrying ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:25:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it this way:
Why do seagulls fly by the sea?
If they flew by the bay theyโd be bay gulls (bagels)
GrimmGrinninGhost ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only joke in here that I've upvoted because I too use this terrible joke.
Satanemme ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:13:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love the "it's my go to but it always fails" part
XportR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids always wear seashells on their breasts?
Because the B shells are too small, and the D shells are too big.
DaniePants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy cake day!
RS177 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:41:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are seagulls at the bay tho
Ashybuttons ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:26:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, those are bagels. Weren't you paying attention?
Brian_PKMN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember hearing this joke on Cartoon Planet, told by Brak.
RIP C. Martin Croker (Zorak).
redskyfalling ยท 256 points ยท Posted at 21:31:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him. The driver says "get in the car".
The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"
The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Nobodieshero816 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 23:07:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was expecting dark...well played
dunaja ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:33:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't see why the type of candy bar matters
SemSevFor ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:45:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one.
Bioniclegenius ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 00:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody wants to ride in a Volvo, I think is the gist.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:23:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:12:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this joke, except I used Ford not a Volvo. Speaking from experience...
JuliaGasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What didn't you like about the Ford?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In a nut shell: My F150 was 1 year old when I bought it with 32,000kms on it. I sold it at 74,000kms. In that short time, it had $6000 in warranty work plus another $2000 in work from my own pocket just to keep it on the road. It was in the shop on a regular basis and I was lied to, cheated, stolen from by 3 separate Ford dealerships and Ford corporate. Even though it's painting with a broad brush, I now believe every person employed by Ford is a liar, a cheat, a thief and a hack with no integrity whatsoever.
There will never be another Ford vehicle or vehicle made by a brand even partially owned by Ford (eg Mazda) in our family again.
madeInNY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FWIW, Ford owned Volvo for a short period of time starting in 1999.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:07 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not surprising. LOL.
SpawnicusRex ยท 397 points ยท Posted at 22:21:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes are walking down a country road when they come across some tracks. The first blonde says "Oh look, deer tracks". The second blonde says "No no, don't be ridiculous. Those are obviously moose tracks".
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
mference123 ยท 266 points ยท Posted at 23:54:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Florida blonde in a shoe store is dissatisfied with all of the shoes the salesman brings for her to try on. She asks for real alligator leather shoes. The salesman says, "If you want real alligator shoes, you'll have to go kill the alligator yourself!"
Salesman is driving home later and sees the blond wresting with an alligator. An epic battle and she is finally victorious and throws the alligator on top of a stack of dead alligators. "Damn" she says. "Another one without shoes."
ticklish-warrior ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes are walking down the sidewalk and find a mirror on the ground. One picks it up and looks in to it and says โhey this person looks familiarโ, the other blonde takes the mirror from her and looks in to it and says โyou dummy, itโs me!โ
devilsacolyte ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:21:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde woman was driving her car, listening to a talk show. The hosts were making blonde jokes and was making her angry. She's passing a field and sees another blonde sitting in a rowboat rowing for all she's worth.
The blonde driver slams on her brakes and pulls to the side of the road. She gets out, storms over the side of the field and yells angrily at the blonde in the boat, "Hey you in the boat!"
The blonde in the boat looks towards her and replies, "What?"
The first blonde answers, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad name and, if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Kristastic ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:15:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first joke so far that I haven't already heard and it made me laugh. Nice.
Msmadmama ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:43:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is 47 and has very blonder hair. I made comment when she did something airhead and said I guess you must be a natural blonde. She didn't get it. She had never heard of the whole dumb blonde thing before
bacchys1066 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:53:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or she just keeps forgetting it...
SpawnicusRex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow. Oblivious blonde indeed lol.
BTW, of course I donโt mean any offense to blondes but this is my โgo toโ joke that never fails to at least get a hearty chuckle.
Elzuria ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I havenโt heard this one in a very long time. Thanks for the reminder itโs one of my favorites.
staticchiller13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were at the gynecologists office to find out the sex of their babies. The doctor came out and told them "Please tell me if you were on top or bottom during conception as this will help determine the sex of your baby down the line".
The brunette replies" On top". "Congratulations ma'am, you're having a boy".
The redhead replies "on bottom". "Congratulations, you're having a girl".
At this point the blonde is completely devastated and weeping. The doctor, startled, asks her "what's the matter, dear?" to which the blonde replies "I'm gonna have puppies!"
krackbaby4 ยท 223 points ยท Posted at 22:26:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned a cool piece of medical trivia the other day
If you took a man, and took out all his blood vessels and laid them out end-to-end, that man would die
Belledame-sans-Serif ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:30:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The equator is so long it goes around the world exactly once
silphcore ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:21:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that after all this time, the pool on the Titanic is still full?
KushDingies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:06:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alternate punchline: you'd probably go to prison.
If you took all the bones in a snake and laid them out end to end, you'd have a snake skeleton.
If you put a fully grown blue whale on a football field, they would have to cancel the game.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/medicalgore
Hyracotherium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been laughing at this joke for at least three minutes now.
tammit67 ยท 695 points ยท Posted at 22:29:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is the famous musician Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Falkaane ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 00:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love Norm MacDonaldโs telling of this
AdamGeer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:50:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the voice I read it in
TheFirstApostate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao
Morningxafter ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 01:23:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A hobbit is in a sporting goods store and he sees they have a door prize raffle where you buy a chance to win a really expensive looking three room tent for one penny. So he buys a ticket and wins the tent. Unbeknownst to him everyone who entered won because Sauron had just bought the company and was using all the stores across the country to distribute these tents that had been cursed to act as portals for his army of orcs to invade.
So he takes the tent home and decides he'll try it out. He spends the rest of the morning setting it up and when he's finally done he's exhausted. So he climbs inside and takes a nap. No sooner than he's asleep the portal opens and an orc comes through and just mauls the shit out of him. We're talking, eviscerated. There's little hobbit blood and guts splattered all over the tent. The orc realizes he wasn't supposed to come through yet and will get in trouble if he goes back, so he leaves the tent and hides in the hobbit's tool shed until it's attack time.
Well, the hobbit's wife eventually becomes concerned because it's unlike him to miss elevensies, and he sure as hell wouldn't miss lunch! So she goes out to check on him and finds this bloody nightmare of a scene in the tent in the backyard and calls the police. The hobbit police are there with their hobbit CSI crew, and they just can't make heads or tails of what happened. So they call on Gandalf for aid.
Gandalf shows up and investigates the scene. Eventually he comes out and follows the trail of blood to the toolshed. He and two officers come out with a rather embarrassed looking Orc in handcuffs. He knows he really fucked up now. The police inform Gandalf that a crowd of curious spectators has grown in the front yard, and they ask him to address the crowd and warn them of these dangerous portal tents.
As soon as the crowd sees him with the hobbit cops and the handcuffed orc in tow they all immediately start asking questions at once. Gandalf takes one question from a hobbit reporter who asks, "So what exactly happened here??" Gandalf, always one to word his answers carefully, takes a long drag from his pipe, thinks for a moment, and answers simply...
"Now is the winner of this discount tent made gory in slumber by this summoned orc."
Licenseless_Rider ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:46:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Morningxafter ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 03:05:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a take off one of Shakespeareโs most famous lines โNow is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of Yorkโ (from Richard III)
Itโs a Tolkien joke and a Shakespeare joke, so if youโre not a literature nerd I definitely understand not getting it.
gnome_chomsky ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:49:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
http://www.monologuearchive.com/s/shakespeare_046.html
With-a-Cactus ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:05:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, this one is my favorite.
tammit67 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 06:08:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A king of a large kingdom is experiencing health problems. Wanting to extend his life, he consults a wise man about his situation Wise man says "this is a common concern and the cure is expensive. What you need to do is buy a snake and once a year feed it a virgin. If it is a virgin, your health is guaranteed for the next year. If it is not a virgin though, you risk death".
King thinks it over and comes to the immoral decision to go ahead with it. He finds a snake wholesaler from South America and gets a specimen large enough to consume adults. He then locates a virgin and feeds it to the snake. Upon entering the snakes chambers, the snake quickly swallows the victim. The King however, experiences a heart episode shortly there after but manages to not fall to it.
Enraged, he says to his wise man "I thought this would work!?" Wise man says "It does m'lord, she mustn't have been a virgin. Quickly we must find a virgin for the snake." "Where will we find one?" Says the king. "How about the monastery? These people are married to the lord and do not partake in earthly pleasures." So they grab a woman from the convent and place her in front of the snake. Much to the King's dismay however, the snake does not eat her.
Frustrated, the King snaps, "Wise man, why does the snake refuse to eat!?" "Worry not my liege, I know the issue. Go to your baker and acquire some rolls of bread. Hold them in your hand and the snake will devour the lady." The king does as he is instructed and the snake gobbles the poor woman. Astounded, the king ask "Why did the bread work?
To which the wise man replies "Your anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, hun"
Grooveinator ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:51:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Congratulations, you actually made me facepalm IRL.
FizzBuzzBanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought they were going to feed it babies.
soup_feedback ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:18:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god.
BuffelBek ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:52:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This Chinese family has just moved over to a new country. Mom, dad and their two kids, Ling and Ving.
They start to settle in and the two kids start going to school nearby. But kids being the cruel creatures they are, the other kids start making fun of their names. It doesn't bother Ling all that much, but it really really starts to get to Ving. So much that he seriously starts to consider getting his name changed.
So, Ving eventually decides that he wants to get his name changed to Lee and he asks his dad if they can go through with it. But his dad is dead set against the idea. Ving, discouraged by this, decides that he's going to go through with it regardless of his dad's opinion.
So Ling and Ving do the necessary research and discover that there's quite a hefty fee involved with getting an official name change done. So the two of them spend months doing various odd jobs just to raise money for this. Eventually they have everything they need.
So the fated day arrives. Ving is going to change his name to Lee and Ling is going along to the office of home affairs for moral support. Ving, being nervous as hell, asks Ling to hold the necessary money with him.
They're standing in the queue, getting closer and closer to the front. But as they're doing this, Ving is starting to have second thoughts because of his dad being against the idea. Just as he's about to change his mind, his dad bursts in the door and looks at Ling and Ving in the queue, Ling holding the money and their dad shouts.
"Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
Tshirt_Addict ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And that's when Rat kills Stephan Pastis.
engunneer2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/WordAvalanches
santino1987 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:06:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seems like it would be a punchline in a pearls before swine comic
Caitautomatica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm so disappointed in myself over the amount of sheer rage I feel right now.
lilfunky87 ยท 244 points ยท Posted at 00:14:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grampa told me this one years ago...
Do ya know why they only put 239 beans in a can?
No, why?
So it doesn't get too farty.
porkstar77 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:02:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was working with my grandpa on a construction job and he says, "Hand me the wrench. You know, I call your grandmother a wench. You know why? She tightens my nuts."
Gross.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:53:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is your grandpa Irish?
mumsterunderyourbed ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:41:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just laughed out loud. Thank you.
JerHat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:41:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My high school physics teacher told us a version of this joke.
His old Irish mom used to make him count 239 beans for her famous bean soup.
One day he asked her why he makes him count out exactly 239 beans.
Then in his best Irish accent โBecause any more would be Too Farty.โ
BlazingShadowAU ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:19:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time do you go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty
mucking4on ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*one year
ArandomFluffy ยท 187 points ยท Posted at 21:35:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great. Now I can ignore r/jokes for a whole week instead of 90% of it.
Thanks.
Pokemonzu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:22:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
ArandomFluffy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:15:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/jokes consists of 90% reposts and because everyone will copy the jokes from here, this will rise to 100% for the next few days.
Pokemonzu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:17:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
quite the go-to joke
ArandomFluffy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:28:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed
eman00619 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 01:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the guy who lost the whole left side of his body?
He's Allright now
jsnoots ยท 310 points ยท Posted at 22:16:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If someone asks for a dirty joke;
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy when she's on her period?
You get your palm red for free...
Robotic_Pedant ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:25:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There once was a whore in Peru
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
If they'll pay to get in
Then they'll pay to get out too
Lilscribby ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:24:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Make the last line
To fit the limerick format :)
Robotic_Pedant ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:19:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh cool, the joke is a limerick too! Thanks for the tip.
wholychao ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 01:09:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in the world. Ones who can extrapolate information from incomplete data sets
LiquorishSunfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And ones who falsify results.
Brades88 ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 00:12:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Foโ drizzle
GayFesh ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
daneguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:47:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, Snoop knows
mp1982 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what does snoop dogg use to wash his whites? BLE-ACHHHHH!
Titanlord2 ยท 98 points ยท Posted at 22:43:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Jesus make water into coffee? Hebrews it.
space_moron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:01:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only kiwis will get this:
What did the Maori say to the Jewish person?
"Hebrew!"
JesusIsMyZoloft ยท 204 points ยท Posted at 00:09:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupt-
MOOOOOOOOOO
Knock knock,
Who's there?
Interrupting Starfish
Interr-
smother their face with your hand
jonnielaw ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 02:14:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there?
The Gestapo
The Gestaโ
slap them across the face, interrupting them
VEE VILL AZK ZEE QUESTCHUNS!
Mr-Baseball ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:42:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was watching this episode of the office just yesterday
korben1134 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:50:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Be honest, is there any episode of the office you haven't just watched recently?
Mr-Baseball ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. I finished it for the first time like 3 weeks ago, and I already watched it again because I was stuck at home sick for a week
ADD_Booknerd ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:07:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tried that on my boyfriend and it went like this:
Knock knock.
Whoโs there?
The Gestapo.
...
...
looks expectantly What? Iโm not answering the door to the Gestapo!
me2224 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:41 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ze gestapo vaits for no one!
UnKnown_potato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:16:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ve vant to know zee joke.
camarang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:04 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve heard this with the KGB.
GoatsWearingPyjamas ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:17:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Sloth
Interrupting Sloth who?
*awkward silence*
*continue conversation*
....
*sloth noise*
Salathiel2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:01 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do this, except I just excruciatingly-slowly extend my finger toward their face.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:31:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
trying this on my nephew next chance I get.
Wylaff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:45:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am stealing that second part.
AlphaQUp_Bish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Amy Fisher
Amy Fi--
BANG! <use your fingers like a gun>
AlucardNoir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Sloth
Interrupt-
Stick out your index finger and SLOOOOWLY reach out to poke their arm -- it's even better when you draw this part out to 30-45 seconds to reach them
bpoboo1800 ยท 1725 points ยท Posted at 20:19:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game, it hurt a lot but at least my dad came
WTFIsntTakenYet ยท 579 points ยท Posted at 22:41:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
D:
lettalynn ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 00:27:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, this emoticon is what made me laugh at the joke, more than the joke itself.
NicholasP993 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:59:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turn that frown upside down
Dodgiestyle ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:08:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:โฑญ
NicholasP993 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:09:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Listen here you little shit
Nevlach ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:16:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs not a frown, itโs a big D in his mouth
lanesane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:50:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DELET
TheDevinM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NEPHEW
FlameMistress ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:17:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta think about it like the first time you had sex. You gotta say โDaddy, are you sure this is right?โ
AzarothEaterOfSouls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:18:04 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for Tank Girl reference!
The740 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 00:02:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roll Tide
Nalortebi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Woo Pig Sooie
ryanzbt ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 23:22:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and mom was filming
fried_grapes ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:29:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and embarrassing me in front of my friends
RadioactiveWalrus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:57:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the crowd cheered when I scored.
AppleDane ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Tank Girl.
"Ethics is a lot like the first time you have sex. You go "Daddy, are you sure this is right?"
TryNotToDiePlease ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:27:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Oh no.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:38:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BorneOfStorms ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 01:47:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wtf? Why do you people think rape is so hilarious?
bpoboo1800 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:53:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rape isn't funny, but comedy is. This is a thread about jokes you should try to keep an open mind
Nevlach ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:17:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you wanna play the rape game?
No?
Thatโs the spirit.
Northumberlo ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:28:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humour relies on saying things so incredibly horrible that you canโt believe it was said, to which the surprise of the comment in itself produced the humour.
bpoboo1800 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:56:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it
tjonnyc999 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:02:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humor is like socialism... Wait I fucked up.
Mojo141 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:30:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roll Tide!
tunafriendlydolphin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:46:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For me, my first car was a bit like anal sex. I didn't ask for it but my dad gave it to me anyway.
fiteme1v1m9 ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 00:26:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an italian with 1 arm?
A speech impediment!
Unfortunately this fails 90% of the time.
trench_welfare ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:37:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I grew up with Italian neighbors living next door. They were straight off the boat. Couldn't ever telling if they were fighting or just having casual conversation.
bopeepsheep ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:51:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you silence an Italian? Tie his hands behind his back.
bopeepsheep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:52:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red, blue, green, white, yellow, purple, black, silver, and orange? An Italian in his Sunday best.
(Oh dear, too many of these are coming flooding back. In my defence, I am Italian. Well, half. I can talk with one hand behind my back.)
masheduppotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did it deliver it using both your arms?
bigmcstrongmuscle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:30 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
During World War II, three Axis soldiers were captured and sent to a Russian prison camp: a German, a Japanese man, and an Italian.
The KGB wanted to question the German first, and he spat as they dragged him into the room: " You swine, I will never break! No matter what tortures you put me through!" But they tied him to a chair and torture him they did. To the German's credit, he held out for an entire day of the cruelest torture his captors could devise, but in the end he broke and told them everything.
Next the KGB wanted to question the Japanese fellow, and he swore to them as they dragged him into the room: "I swear by my honor, I will never break! No matter what tortures you put me through!" And he was the talk of the camp when he held out for three whole days of the KGB's most vicious work, but in the end he too broke and told them everything.
When they came for the Italian guy, he screamed and wailed like a child, begging his captors not to hurt him. He was dragged off to the interrogation center regardless. A day passed, and he did not emerge. Three days. Then a week. After two weeks the other prisoners assumed he had died. So when after a whole month, the KGB released a tattered, bleeding wreckage of a man back into the general population, the German rushed up to him and asked: "What happened? Did you break? What did you tell them?"
The Italian responded, "Paizano, I broke before they got me to the room. But I told them nothing."
The Japanese man asked "But how? They had you in there for a whole month!"
At which the Italian snapped and said "I would have told them anything they wanted! But how was I supposed to talk, with my arms strapped to the fanculo chair?!?!?"
BeefLikesMma ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 01:57:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know I'm late, but here's mine:
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV.
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
Stolen from this r/jokes post https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58fc0o/a_horse_is_sitting_at_home_watching_mtv/
CharlieMayhem ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:33:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my goodness, I love this.
hamzer55 ยท 164 points ยท Posted at 00:06:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there
Tom
Tom who?
Tom began to break into tears as his Grandmother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.
azmodan72 ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:20:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver damn.
mk_skully ยท 386 points ยท Posted at 21:53:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
boximus ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:08:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Frugalfoodie ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 00:24:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre
zdominator86 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:05:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
termiAurthur ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:45:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red, brown, and sticky?
It's that bloody stick again.
IsNotAwesome ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't even tell this without laughing halfway through
Chi-lan-tro ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:35:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper!
harry_balsagne ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:22:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's brown and sticky. My Rihanna poster
KoodooWarrior ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:10 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes black pink black pink black pink white, Usain Bolt having a wank
usmfb47 ยท 134 points ยท Posted at 00:04:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!!!
jab9061 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:42:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A different version is what did the Asian janitor say when jumping out of the closet?
Catharas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that's implied...
tjonnyc999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Asian janitor
wholock1729 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MOTHERFUCKER
Anakin-Drick ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 22:37:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the villain say when he saw three holes filled with water?
"Well, well, well..."
j0hnk50 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thats a deep subject
mozrael ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta steeple your fingers and waggle your eyebrows when you tell the punchline ๐
sheet_spreader ยท 130 points ยท Posted at 22:29:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A prostitute asked an old man, "Would you like super sex?"
He replied "I'll take the soup."
mooseybite ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 00:05:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.
btsierra ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoes? With little knotsies.
Where does Hitler keep his armies? Poland.
arbitrarily-random ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always told the second part as, Where does Hitler keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Poland? I donโt get it. ๐๐ฌ
camarang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:40 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hitler invaded Poland
arbitrarily-random ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:46 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know, but... nm... ๐
scathacha ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 20:30:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you ever hear the one about the wooden car?
it wooden go.
shlosre ยท 104 points ยท Posted at 21:01:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle. So i covered it with steel, but it steel wooden whistle!
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:01:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I got a tin whistle and tin it whistled.
scathacha ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:01:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
HA!
studentofsmith ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:30:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You ever hear the one about the stubborn Dutchman?
Wooden shoes, wooden heart, wooden listen.
BeermanHazesPledges ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 22:49:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt chickens wear pants?
Their pecker is on their face.
micmac_paddywhack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:37:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then why donโt they wear masks?
Kinda pointless since the whole things a cock
xbandit24 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 01:11:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people this world: People who pee in the shower
And liars.
UhOhBeeees ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:42:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear? First, you cut a big hole in the ice. Then, you take a can of peas and sprinkle them around the hole. Then, when the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.
4point5billion45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:08 on April 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better if you can do a Southern accent.
Secret_Pornstache ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:10:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't helicopters fly in the morning?
Twirly.
Succubus350 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Made me laugh haha. Thanks
l_l_l-illiam ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 01:36:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitellia?
Still no fucking ideer
BredforChaos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:28 on June 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH.
JXG_Art ยท 1570 points ยท Posted at 20:07:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When asked by a feminist how I view lesbianism, apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer.
nanananananabatdog ยท 354 points ยท Posted at 21:08:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
THATS NOT FUNNY!
Comrade_pirx ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 00:04:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
they don't need light bulbs they've got glass ceilings.
swohio ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:49:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit lol, how have I never heard that one before.
buellster92 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:16:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
YOU DONโT KNOW! YOU WERENโT THERE!!
suckbothmydicks ยท 125 points ยท Posted at 21:22:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hoe many lesbians though?
11: One to change the lightbulb and ten to make a movie about it.
nanananananabatdog ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 21:25:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
THATS NOT FUNNY EITHER
Dexaan ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 21:58:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Feminism never changed anything.
Bobjohndud ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:21:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so by mathematical standards infinite feminists
NeptunesSon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:19:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
( (Lights) / (Feminists) = 0 / F )
So, F can be any integer.
moreON ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:12:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does it have to be an integer?
NeptunesSon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Realistically it's an integer. Mathematically, it just can't be zero.
PotatoRacingTeam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Savage.
PM_me_UR_duckfacepix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Freudian typo?
Hommedanslechapeau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh. Lesbian Spank Inferno!
LiterallyJames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...Coupling?
skylinepidgin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Loooool This is a new one and I like it.
tjonnyc999 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:04:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well, it's this really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it..."
kurburux ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 23:13:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of another one I roughly remember:
How was the egg broken at the police station?
NOT AT ALL, IT FELL DOWN THE STAIRS, GOT IT??
LateralThinkerer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:48:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Unless it was a brown egg. That one was shot 17 times for having a cell phone.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:03:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
NeptunesSon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the actual problem is the narrative device. You'd have to present the joke in a different way to fit in the brown egg bit.
Btw, I don't see a pun in the original.
bortulisms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is great.
TheMobHasSpoken ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:59:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE
EccentricBolt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:31:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two. Assuming they are using proper ladder safety standards.
/r/osha
sharrrp ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:09:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.
ceetc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:47:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trick question. Feminists can't change anything.
Rationalbacon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:25:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
none, feminism doesn't change anything
Spidermini ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:15:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One. Men can be feminist too!
nagumi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hah, my first girlfriend told me that joke.
JBowZer ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 23:12:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One and they wait for the world to revolve around them
SheeEttin ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:33:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It works better if you say "how many narcissists".
Princess_Batman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In my choir days it was "how many sopranos"
americk0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:11:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Altos does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't get that high
TheSameAsDying ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:40:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many white men does it take to change a light bulb? Just one to hold the bulb, while the rest screw the world.
DMonitor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually really clever
JBowZer ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 00:41:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're funny. You're joke not too much.
PrincipalPickleDick ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:) I like this joke. People should lighten up.
JBowZer ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. People don't realize how jokes work
SibilantSounds ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:03:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you offend a feminist?
That's not funny.
Scamperillium ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:15:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me and lesbians have a love-hate relationship
I love watching but they hate it when they find me
peeves91 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:19:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Shit man you just won this post. Now I can't wait to get home to share it with my roommates!
JXG_Art ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:29:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy to be of service!
few23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My hot lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday.
Clearly, my wishes were misheard.
PepparoniPony ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 01:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One afternoon a teacher sent her class home with an assignment to have their parents tell them a story with a moral to it. The next morning in class she asked if anyone would like to share their story. Two dozen eager hands shot up and the teacher surveyed the room before choosing a girl in the front. โOk, Sarah- letโs hear your story.โ โWell,โ Sarah began, โmy family raises chickens, and one time our chickens had laid 6 eggs but when they hatched we only got 5 chicks.โ โAnd what was the moral to that story?โ โDonโt count your chickens before they hatch,โ Sarah answered! โVery good,โ said the teacher. โWho else would like to share their story?โ A small boy in the back raised his hand and the teacher called on him. โMy family raises chickens too,โ said the boy, โbut we raise them for their eggs. One day we gathered all of our eggs in a basket and put them in the back of the truck to take them to market. On the way out truck hit a bump and all of the eggs fell out and broke!โ โAnd what was the moral here,โ asked the teacher? โDonโt put all of your eggs in one basket!โ โWonderful,โ said the teacher. โWe have room for one more story- who has a good one?โ She called on another boy, โok Johnny- tell us your story.โ โMy dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in desert storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a machine gun, a machete, and a bottle of whiskey. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so t wouldnโt go to waste and when she landed there were 100 enemy soldiers waiting for her. She killed the first 80 with the machine gun before she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete before the blade broke off, then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.โ The teacher was appalled and stammered, โw-well what did your father say was the moral of that story...โ โStay the hell away from my aunt Becky when sheโs been drinking!โ
mirinly ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 22:46:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
Edit: okay this joke fails often but at least it makes me laugh
themage1028 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:07:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think I need to actually hear this one to get it.
SailedBasilisk ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:54:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You say it either like the sound of Mario going down a pipe, or the Mario World cave theme.
themage1028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:20:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhhhh
skyler_on_the_moon ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:39:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it's a play on Mario's name being Mario Mario?
LiquorishSunfish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:22:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would use Pink Panther instead.
Denim. Denim. Denim denim denim denim DENIM. Denim denim.
ArtificeAdam ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:51:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, if you're going to go for Pink Panther jokes, it's "What's on the Pink Panther's to-do list?"
..To-do. To-do. To-do to-do to-do to-do to-dooooooooooooooOOOOoooOOOoooo.
MyNameIsNotRyn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:03:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell my husband bad jokes every day.
This is the ONLY joke that he has laughed at.
AmalgamousPrime ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 23:46:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
A #2 pencil.
spoopy_elliot ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 00:05:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Copied from another comment a while ago:
Sheepbjumpin ยท 624 points ยท Posted at 19:57:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you'd like to read the gospel according to Shrek you need only turn to Psalm- BODY ONCE TOLD ME THAT THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME!
traffick ยท 223 points ยท Posted at 21:51:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm starting to believe Reddit has a legitimate love affair with Smashface.
PvtDeth ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 23:26:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smashface made me laugh as much as any joke here. I once accidentally called them Trashmouth.
VAisforLizards ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:59:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Accidentally?
underwriter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:27:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reddidiot20XX ยท 325 points ยท Posted at 22:51:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Smashmouth you uncultured swine
traffick ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:56:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smashface > Smashmouth
potplanty ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 00:57:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say that again and we'll have more than one Smashmouth.
NeptunesSon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:26:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lets get a pit going.
SweetNeo85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are you lookin' at ya hockey puck?
blarch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's the fedora the guy wears.
lillyisme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
Edit: I guess the people downvoting me are the real reddidiots
Reddidiot20XX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol
Reddidiot20XX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edit:wrong lol
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Starting to?
DirtyLarry56 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:00:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Punchmouth*
traffick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Shitfist
ComicWriter2020 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first time Iโve seen anything relating to them
Ulti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Welp, that's what they're called now, it's settled.
Rick_from_C137 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hammer smashed face? Reddit loves some cannibal corpse
NeptunesSon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Slayer.
MattA121212 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smashmouth?
LaBelleCommaFucker ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No thank you.
AdjutantStormy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:53:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that was the best joke I've heard in a long time.
SuperGandalfBros ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:01:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's no "that"
Sheepbjumpin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:28:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh good point.
ThisFinnishguy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:44:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
Julian_rc ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:00:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SHE WAS LOOKING KIND OF DUMB WITH HER FINGER AND HER THUMB
oldvan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:24:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the shape of an ELF on her forehead.
Ungarminh ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:20:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Elf?
oldvan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:59:36 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funnier that way.
Willstroyer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:24:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WELL, THE YEARS START COMIN
Alphageek11644 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:01:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
AND THEY DONT STOP COMIN
ALittleSurprise1013 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
FED TO THE RULES AND I HIT THE GROUND RUNNIN
camarang ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:02:10 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DIDNโT MAKE SENSE NOT TO LIVE FOR FUN, YOUR BRAIN GETS SMART BUT YOUR HEAD GETS DUMB
ALittleSurprise1013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:35 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SO MUCH TO DO SO MUCH TO SEE
camarang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:06 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SO WHATโS WRONG WITH TAKING THE BACK STREETS?
LiquorishSunfish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:18:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I MADE A MISTAKE WHEN I FUCKED THIS BUM, MY BOLLOCKS ACHE AND MY HEAD IS NUMB
veilofmaya1234 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:17:24 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for this, you're doing the lord farquaad's work.
shinypretty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:17:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
God damn you, Bernice! :)
escape-ism ยท 175 points ยท Posted at 19:46:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what is brown and sticky?
Pm_meyourfunbagz ยท 151 points ยท Posted at 20:13:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A stick
Jnfeehan ยท 210 points ยท Posted at 22:11:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and red and sticky?
That bloody stick again.
Little-Jim ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 21:52:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesnโt come back?
[deleted] ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 22:04:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A stick. What do call something that's brown and doesn't come back?
Willstroyer ยท 98 points ยท Posted at 22:23:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:32:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're reaping the karma for the joke I set up.
I've never been more slighted in my life.
Willstroyer ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:42:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I only got like 20 so I'll give you +1 and downvote myself
pascontent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamnit.
With-a-Cactus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:00:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, I know this... it'll come to me.
That_Anonymous_One ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:02:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A stick?
pradeep23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
brown
Atryuki ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:33:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
and sticky
DSV686 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke to my S/Os uncle. He said with a straight face "Shit" so definitively i couldn't keep myself from laughing and actually finishing the joke.
NibblyPig ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 22:45:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of "What's blue and smells like red paint?"
"Blue paint"
--whoops-- ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:22:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What paint weighs less than blue paint?
Light blue paint.
NibblyPig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Magnificent.
ragatooki ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:52:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
LOL, that's mine too.
Dexaan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:00:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Dre?
Monkeys_Rock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Beyoncรฉ calendar
ThatTysonKid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anal.
shinypretty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I upvote you for knowing the only clean joke I know.
skulldir ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:55:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
poop
kauto ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:27:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
JohnsDongle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are.
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like subverting both answers and saying "a tootsie roll."
harry_balsagne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Rihanna Poster
xpurshtie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Double upvote!
eoliveri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sounds like a bell?
alexxxanderrr ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 22:41:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When drinking wine or out wine tasting:
(Sniff wine in glass) Hmmm... I'm getting a hint of..... grapes.
inkydye ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:49:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Take a swigโฆ mull it overโฆ) "oh! this is definitely a red!"
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:55:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
thr33pwood ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:06:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
With...(sniff)...little hints of...alcohol.
CatalystEXE ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:01:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
snnnnniiiiiiffffffffffff...oh yes my dear....sssnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff....quite pungent indeed...is that....dare I say....sssssssnniff...eggs I smell?......sniff sniff....hmmm...yes...quite so my darling....sniff....quite pungent eggs yes very much so .....ssssssssssssssnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiffffff....ah yes...and also....a hint of....sniff....cheese.....quite wet my dear....sniff...but of yes...this will do nicely....sniff.....please my dear....another if you please....nice a big now....
BBBBBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPFFFFFF
Oh yes...very good!....very sloppy and wet my dear....hmmmmm...is that a drop of nugget I see on the rim?...hmmmm.....let me.....let me just have a little taste before the sniff my darling.......hmmmmm....hmm..yes....that is a delicate bit of chocolate my dear....ah yes....let me guess...curry for dinner?....oh quite right I am....aren't I?....ok....time for sniff.....sssssnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff.....hmmm...hhhmmmmm I see...yes....yes indeed as well curry......hmmm....that fragrance is quite noticeable....yes.....onion and garlic chutney I take it my dear?.....hmmmmm....yes quite.....
BBBBBBRRRRRRRRPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT
Oh I was not expecting thatโฆthat little gust my dearโฆ.you caught me off guardโฆyesโฆso gentle it was thoughโฆhmmmmโฆlet me taste this little oneโฆjust one small sniffโฆ..sniffโฆahโฆ.ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffffffโฆand yetโฆso strongโฆyesโฆthe odorโฆ.sniff sniffโฆhmmmโฆ.is thatโฆ.sniffโฆ.hmmmโฆ.I can almost taste it my dearโฆ..yesโฆ.justโฆsniffโฆ.a little whiff more if you pleaseโฆ..ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffffโฆah yes I have it nowโฆ.yes quiteโฆ.hhhhmmmmโฆdelectable my dearโฆ..quite exquisite yesโฆ..I dare sayโฆsniffโฆ.the most pungent one yet my dearโฆ.ssssnnnnniiiifffffffffffffffffffffffโฆ.yesโฆ.
Hipster_Ninja_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This has sort of an oaky afterbirth
mrbassfingerss ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 22:37:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Driving past a field of cows.."ooh look a flock of cows"
"You mean a herd of cows?"
"Yeah, I've heard of cows, there's a flock right there!"
bloodysimpson ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 23:59:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The one armed man walked into a second hand shop
ashbreezs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:09:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just told this one to my one armed husband.๐๐๐๐
bloodysimpson ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 11:22:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did he laugh?
ashbreezs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:25:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He did. Then told me to fuck off. Well worth it. Iโm pretty sure I laughed even more though.
bloodysimpson ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
vinnymacaroni ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 01:07:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.
Guaranteed smirk.
NoFInDuck ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 22:39:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
DaftMythic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am an agnostic, dislexic, insomniac:
I stay up all night wondering if there is a dog
tombsar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a bar.
"Ouch!"
iRekUrGrammR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:06:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this so funny ๐
goibie ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:12:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeno business.
Arsinoei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:26:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite one :D
WestCoastHopHead ยท 426 points ยท Posted at 19:40:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which animal has the largest breasts in the zoo?
The zebra.
AliceGoesToXanadu ยท 224 points ยท Posted at 20:07:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke doesn't work outside of the US
WestCoastHopHead ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 20:13:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funny thing is a woman from Beijing first told me this joke.
traffick ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:46:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it funny, though? Is it?
__celli ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 22:36:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm in the US and donโt get it...
salahelbat ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 23:47:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zebra - Z- bra, meaning z sized titties.
xordanemoce ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:38:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhh
betty85 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:44:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Zee" bra
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:55:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Am I saying zebra wrong in the US?
Ashybuttons ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:29:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its pronounced with a short e everywhere else.
WestCoastHopHead ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:20:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Z like a size.
HolmatKingOfStorms ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:54:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More importantly, -bra like "bra", not "bruh", how we normally say it.
Turtle-Bear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does it even work in the US? Does any one pronounce zebra zee brah? I pronounce it Zee Bruh.
AwesomeJohn01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Even in the US it took me a minute
ADD_Booknerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhh!
WestCoastHopHead ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:12:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why not? Are we the only country that says bra and measures in letters?
CreepyPhotographer ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 20:15:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some places pronounce zebra as zeb-ra, not ZEE-bra if that makes sense.
Cheesysocks ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:50:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And we say ZED not ZEE for Z.
titlewhore ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:27:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what in the actual fuck. i am from the US but lived in Aus and somehow never heard anyone say zebra so this shit is blowing my mind.
pjabrony ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:04:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but they also say Zed, so it should work.
bg-j38 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:27:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've always called them zedbras :-(
Rigolution ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:51:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
zeb and zed are different though.
CreepyPhotographer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:01:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zed-sized titties?
DrippyWaffler ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:15:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, but it's only the US and
Australiathat says the letter Z like "zee".kfaxi ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 21:39:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Aussies say "zed". Source: am Australian
DrippyWaffler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:45:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really? I don't know why I thought that then. Maybe because of "dance".
kfaxi ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:48:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard Aussies say "zee" so you'd be forgiven. I think we watch too much American TV
potplanty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah they're just Seppos in disguise.
Mortimer14 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those are Americans who have escaped this insane asylum.
Mortimer14 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:07:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope .... Australia says "Zed" not "Zee"...
(source lived there for 10 years)
adrianslont ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:36:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, mate. Australians say zed.
Source: Australian
AliceGoesToXanadu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:40:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in an Australian accent
adrianslont ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:57 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
;)
shorthanded ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:40:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
canada loves itself some zed-bras
the-real-apelord ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 20:51:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because obesity
Ispeelgud ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 19:41:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Techpyxel ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 19:46:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pronounce 'zebra' like Zee-bra. Z-bra, like Z size cups.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 19:50:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
sheet_spreader ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:26:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
lol
TheHoneyCreeper ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:14:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bra sizes are easy they go from A to B to C to E to F to G to H to I to J to K to L to M to N to O to P to Q to R to S to T to U to V to Y and finally Z.
TheAveragePsycho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But then what are the numbers for? And what is a Double D? And can you translate this into fruit for me?
InfanticideAquifer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:48:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The number is a for the bands, the letter describes the volume of the cups.
DD == E. DDD = F, etc. Some manufacturers just don't use letters past D I guess.
Turtle-Bear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:27:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anywhere between a Wolffia globosa and those pumpkins that can kill a small child if they get going on a downhill arc.
BlackHawk8100 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:08:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah nah, zed-bra xX
TheQSJ ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 19:46:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cup size of z. Z-bra. Zebra.
BadBoyJH ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:34:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Zed Bra? I don't get it.
throwawaythottish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:08:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
Because the B-shells were too small
WestCoastHopHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always a good one.
escape-ism ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:46:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
did you mean ze bra?
yipidee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably change to something to do with France if you tried hard enough...
WestCoastHopHead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:08:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not really. Itโs a pun. Write the animal. Say the animal. Infer meaning. Where is r/jokeexplainbot when we need him?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
WestCoastHopHead ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 22:39:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which animal...? The + animal name. It works. Without the article, it would not be grammatically correct.
morethebito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:41:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It doesnt work.
WestCoastHopHead ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:44:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OMG. Never expected so much controversy. The punchline is not "The bra." The punchline is "The Z bra. A bra that is bigger than an A cup, B cup, C cup...and so on." You get my point, right? I thought it was funny. Geez, what's with all the whining. If you don't like it, that's okay.
morethebito ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:56:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now I get it. You're the one whining. Could have just explained it to the first guy.
WestCoastHopHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yay! Glad you get it. Have a great day.
morethebito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You too homie
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
WestCoastHopHead ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:46:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NOPE. Z does not equal the. Z is a size. A really, really large size. Maybe it's an American English thing.
happyflappypancakes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No but then it would be like The the bra. He was right.
thr33pwood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would always answer "your mom" when someone attempted to tell this joke.
mafia_honey ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 22:46:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How may frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Its already lit.
micmac_paddywhack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you should add โat the frat houseโ to the end
BlueberryKind ยท 219 points ยท Posted at 22:22:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Dutch, German and a Belgian are in a prison.
2 Guards walk by and ask the Dutch "How high can you jump?"
Dutch: 2m. He gets 2 pieces of bread
Same question to the German "How high can you jump?"
German: 3m. He gets 3 pieces of bread.
The Belgian things ahah il say 5 and get 5 pieces.
To the Belgian "How high can you jump?"
Belgian: 5m. SHOOT HIM he can jump over the fence!!
[deleted] ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 00:25:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AtomicRaine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:00:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's funnier without the line about the Belgian thinking about getting 5 pieces
HighRelevancy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get what the nationalities have to do with anything. And what sort of prison shoots potential escapees? Couldn't you just rescind his yard time privileges?
Kittenfishiee ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I... don't get it?
TheAveragePsycho ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:24:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They are in prison. The courtyard fence of the prison is less then 5m. It's a joke defying your expectation and simultaneously a life lesson about greed.
It doesn't work in text form as it lies mostly in the delivery and isn't all that funny to begin with.
imonmyphoneirl ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:41:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
slow clap
outoflives ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:21:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Belgian says 5m. The guard then shouts "shoot him he can get over the fence!".
Kittenfishiee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. I got it now. Thanks!
Onlyhereforthelaughs ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:27:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fun Fact: Did you know that if you laid your intestines against the side of a house, from foundation to roof peak, you would die?
highhandatl ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:43:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man was walking down a pier at night and noticed a man sitting alone at the end. He asked if everything was okay. The man replied "no son it's not. You see that boat? I built that all by myself. You think people call me Billy the Boat Builder? Nope." "I've sailed that boat all over the world for 30 years. You think I'm known as Billy the Boat Captain? Nope." "But you fuck one goat..."
floodlitworld ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 23:56:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โBefore my dad died, we tried lots of alternative treatments to help with his illness. We even tried covering him in lard, but after that, he went downhill really quickly.โ
dementist ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:01:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm fond of this classic, courtesy of World of Warcraft:
A guy walked up to me and said, "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" and I said, "Relax, man! You're two tents!'"
illpoet ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
joke is much older than wow.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:31:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
horrormetal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:30:37 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then it's frankly amazing that I heard it in 5th grade...which was 1991.
Laoscaos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well that's not true.
Theheroboy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:40:09 on April 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WOW came out in 2004. Ultima Online came out in 1997. Everquest came out in 1999. Runescape came out in 2001.
itsmy1stsmokebreak ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 19:57:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one looks to the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here." The other goes, "AAAH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
santaguinefort ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 21:51:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell that one in three parts. Part two: Two vultures are in the desert eating a dead clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Part three: Two muffins are in the desert eating a dead clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other replies, "AAAAAAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
SyntheticReality42 ยท 141 points ยท Posted at 22:33:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One says to the other "I think I screwed this joke up!"
testoblerone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You made me spit my Pepsi. That was really funny.
GoodNamesTaken73 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This only works if you're drunk.
siderinc ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:52:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where is the first part?
santaguinefort ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:54:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Op's joke is the first part
Notjustnow ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 21:16:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one Iโm trying on my kids tonight.
cicadaenthusiat ยท 138 points ยท Posted at 21:37:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They'll probably just scream and won't have a witty punch line. Ovens are hot.
Notjustnow ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 21:40:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Original material ^
meowhahaha ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:27:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My husband cracked me up with this on our first date.
TheKapitan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:44:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every time this format gets me... somehow never see it coming.
Scamperillium ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:42:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the muffin say to the piece of bacon? Dude I'm baked
What did the piece of bacon say afterwards? Holy shit, I'm so fried I'm seeing talking cupcakes!
NigelDuckrag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:10:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have the same one only with Jews
blueweim13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:17:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and husband LOVE this joke with the exception it's two sausages in a pan. I think it's the dumbest fucking joke ever, but they crack up EVERY time.
Cutshotsop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:38:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate this joke I mean I get it I guess but it just is not funny it pissed me off everyone else finds it funny except me
definitelynotacheese ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad told me I couldnโt get my license until I stopped thinking this joke is funny. But jokes on you, Dad! Iโve had my license for 13 years and this joke is still my favorite!
PolyUre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Man, I'm so baked."
amoyal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oops I just commented with ths one.
talkingmuffins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
TerminallyILL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:50:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales are sitting at a bar and one goes "Whiieeeeeaooooooo" The other goes, "go home Frank you're drunk"
nukedbrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always hated this joke
SayAllenthing ยท 481 points ยท Posted at 20:15:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's dark and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
EducationalDuck ยท 372 points ยท Posted at 21:28:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't the joke go "What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?"
cicadaenthusiat ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 21:36:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. If your poop is dark you might be internally bleeding.
Mirage749 ยท 121 points ยท Posted at 22:18:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or you had an upset stomach, took Pepto Bismol, shit black and got concerned so you looked up what that means on the internet and found out you have colon cancer before your wife tells you that a pepto can make your poop turn black.
I definitely don't know this from experience.
pixydgirl ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 23:40:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh good, someone else who definitely didnt learn this through firsthand experience. Thought I was the only one.
Dislikesducks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:00 on September 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hopefully there was toilet paper in your firsthand.
EmbracingMediocrity ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Semi-related: ever had beets and forgotten until looking in the toilet?
Alicricity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL why my poop was black today after having a stomach virus that I used pepto for...thanks reddit!
xsibleyx08 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WebMD - look up your symptoms to figure out what kind of cancer it is.
RipCityRevival ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want pepto now
Lucinnda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best is when someone eats something with black frosting at halloween and the poop turns bright blue. The "black" food coloring is really dark blue, but it comes out fluorescent smurf.
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 21:38:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe you ate too many Oreos, yes, it can happen
AthenasApostle ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 22:32:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does 'too many' Oreos mean?
Surely there can be no such thing.
Mortimer14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
for me? it's two.
(two too many)
SpeaksTruthToPower ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:58:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's like....I know what all those words mean, but they don't make any sense when he puts them in that order.
ProfessorBear56 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nonsense
mhongser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you mean a single serving.
eversince86 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:33:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or a newborn. That first poop is super dark
gk3coloursred ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:32:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or you were drinking Guinness
FuujinSama ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:40:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or you ate cuttlefish. It's delicious.
CockyKokki ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:15:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or beetroot.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
THIS is the correct joke.
Unless youโre afraid of being called a racist, which no one should have to fear itโs just a joke.
Ripoutmybrain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:08:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle
Ceerogreen ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:19:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella?
In case of a Lilโ Wayne
Mrofcourse ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:31:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like following up with... A lot of people forgot about Dre.
WordSalad11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Snoop do his laundry?
With Ble-ach.
drgolovacroxby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
RowThree ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:51:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fail.
Zairus111 ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 19:46:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a women that always know where her husband is.
AmySchumersAnalTumor ยท 192 points ยท Posted at 19:53:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a widow
Sebastian0gan ยท 98 points ยท Posted at 19:52:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Conjoined twins from Alabama
TheAveragePsycho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Alabamese twins*
MC_AnselAdams ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:44:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roll Tide?
faustopheles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:59:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So?
Julian_rc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:03:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eileen
Charlitos_Way ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Murderer?
rodneyabcd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Naive
oldvan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:25:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bobbit
ntrcldbrwswtcrm ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:34:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one farmer say to the other?
Weโre both farmers.
Askindava ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 01:28:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fully-seated airplane is sitting out the gate, waiting for the pilots to arrive. Everyone getting antsy and frustrated when finally the stewardess announces that they are on their way. Much to the confusion of everyone on board though, two men in pilot outfits stumble their way onto the plane, both wearing pitch black sunglasses and finding their way into the cockpit with white-tipped canes. Wondering if they are being pranked, the passengers nervously hold on to their seats as the plane sloppily and jerkily makes its way to the runway, with a lot of shouting back and forth heard muffled through the cockpit door. The plane starts taking of, picking up speed as it goes down the runway. The passengers seated near the front windows begin to see the end of the line in the distance, and to their horror, a deep lake. As the plane gets closer and closer without lifting off the ground they begin to scream and shout, and soon the entire plane is wailing in complete chaos. At what seems like the last possible moment, the plane lifts off into the air.
A little while later in the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one day they ain't gonna scream, and we're all gonna die."
Ysrxx ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Squirrel is minding its own business his tree when an Elephant begins to climb up into it, almost breaking the whole tree;
the Squirrel yells "stop that! Get off you're going to break my tree!"
The Elephant responds "I'm just climbing up to eat some bananas."
The Squirrel calls him a moron because this is an oak tree not a banana tree,
But the Elephant says "I know that! That's why I'm bringing my own bananas!"
_rake ยท 192 points ยท Posted at 20:33:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer has a sow that needs breeding. He makes an arrangement with a farmer on the other side of town who has a prize-winning male.
On the day of the 'appointment' the farmer goes out, throws a rope around his sow, drags her out of her pin and with about all the effort he can muster, heaves her up into the back of his pickup.
Across town, he's now standing by a fence with the other farmer while the most god-awful squealing and grunting is going on in the background.
"Well, it sounds good, but how am I going to know if she's pregnant?" The other farmer says "That's easy, tomorrow morning take a look at your sow, if she's layin' in the sun, it took, and if she's wallerin' in the mud, it didn't. So if it doesn't take, just bring her on back and we'll let old Brutus have another go at her."
So the man loads the sow up and heads home. The next morning, he looks out and there is the sow wallerin' around in the mud. So he finishes getting ready, eats his breakfast and heads out with the rope to load the pig back up into his truck. After dragging the pig out of the mud and up into the truck, not only is he exhausted, but he's filthy as well. Another hour or so of listening to hot pig lovin' and load the girl up and drag her back to his farm.
This goes on for a week straight. And every morning, there's his sow, wallerin' around in the mud.
Finally one morning as he's sitting there eating breakfast, he bleakly looks up at his wife and says "Hon, I can't bear to look anymore. Please check and tell me if that damn sow is in the mud or if she's finally up on the hill sunning herself."
His wife peers out the window for a bit and looks back at him. "Neither".
"Neither? What's that hog doing then?"
His wife replies "she's up in the cab of the truck honking the horn."
[deleted] ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 21:46:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
winja ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:26:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not everyone can appreciate a quality pig sex joke.
ComicWriter2020 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just donโt get it
Snack__Attack ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:15:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The sow was horny af.
SemSevFor ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:35:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I was expecting some kind of twist like neighbors brother was banging the pig or something. Like the author made a point to have the farmers not watch the pigs go at it, which seemed like setup for something but it was pointless. They should have just watched the pigs.
Aezen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:28:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's a weird kink
never_B_clever ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:19:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it..
SensibleMadness ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 23:23:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That sow is thirsty af.
ComicWriter2020 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh honking the horn is a euphemism. Ok
_rake ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 13:29:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No honking the horn was the sow telling the farmer to hurry the hell up and drive her across town.
never_B_clever ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:47:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thank. you.
ComicWriter2020 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:17:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok. I get it now.
kingofpirates21 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:39:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?
The hockey player showered after 3 periods.
billy12347 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:41:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the dog.
thechancepantss ยท 85 points ยท Posted at 22:08:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. This is your garden variety, stereotypical pirate, with the peg leg, eye patch, parrot on his shoulder, the whole works. The one thing thatโs off about this particular pirate is that heโs got a shipโs steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. Needless to say this guyโs getting a lot of funny looks as he waddles up to the bartender. โAaargh, matey, get me a milk,โ he growls. The tender responds, โYou got it, mister pirate. Say, why do you have that wheel in your pants?โ
The pirate replies, โAaargh, I dunno, but itโs driving me nuts!โ
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:01:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
thechancepantss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:24:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhh I like that. That one might be better.
molaupi ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why milk though? Shouldn't it be like Rum or something?
thechancepantss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:50:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When telling the joke aloud itโs just more fun to have the pirate ask for milk in his gruff pirate-y accent.
This pirate just really enjoys a nice glass of milk.
TDiddlez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First time heard this was on Robot Chicken.
https://youtu.be/f-lu4E246AI
WayneOfGoats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Came here to post this.
siboshi ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 23:59:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife went into a coma and the doctor said "they're studies that giving oral have shown to wake the patient up" so I said "ok doc I'll give it a try". So 5 minutes later I come out and tell the doctor "doc it not working she's just choking"
MaxximumEffort ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 00:59:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.
pandapoi ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 23:20:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Brazilian.
revel_in_the_view ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:12:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was getting a physical the other day, and the doctor told me I need to stop masturbating.
Pause for effect "why?".
The doctor said "because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
GoonBarron ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 11:14:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this joke was told by Richie Benaud
Three men are captured by a Native American tribe during a war - a Pom, a Yank and an Aussie. The chief has them on their knees in front of the tribe awaiting their punishment. He says in his big chief voice โyou have all received the death penalty for your war crimes against our tribe, once you are dead we will use your skin for canoes. I will let you take your own life as an honor to your own countryโ...
He passes the Englishman a knife and says โany last words?โ In which the Englishman replies โgod save the queen!โ And pushes the knife into his heart and dies.
He passes the American a knife and says โany last words?โ In which the American replies โgod bless America!โ And pushes the knife into his heart and dies.
The chief passes the Australian the knife and says โany last words?โ In which the Aussie replies โyeah mateโ stabs himself 20 times all over his body and spits out his last words....... โthere goes ya fucken canoeโ
GoForTheFries ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 21:54:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are like people, not everyone appreciates the dark ones
iwastedthislife ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's long and hard on a black man?
Lotso_Packetloss ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:35:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Life?
iwastedthislife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:37:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Disclaimer: This is not my joke, nor do I find it amusing as it is insensitive and racially insulting.
The answer is: Grade 3
camarang ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:13:09 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This would be funnier without the disclaimer
iwastedthislife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:09 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I agree.
feorlike ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 22:16:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught for 45 of them. Because sin90 = cot45
GodMonster ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 00:02:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mathematicians celebrate Christmas and Halloween on the same day?
Oct-31 = Dec-25
lilbabyjack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it help
Is it a calculator sign that I just donโt know yet?
_john_at_the_bar_ ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:36:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Oct" meaning octal or base eight, so 3*8 + 1*1 = 25 in "Dec" decimal. Took me a minute as well
johnny_moist ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:18:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ew
just_peachy_03 ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 22:32:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do lesbians shop at Gander Mountain?
โCause they donโt like Dicks.
MrEly ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:38:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you trust a burrito? They tend to spill the beans!
travelator ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:38:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes "I hope the porn is disabled". The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
rpoliticsalt ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:42:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was at my mother's house the other day and I said to her you know, I think I'm gonna go for a walk.
She asked me how long I was gonna be gone. I said the whole time.
ninetiesplease ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 22:08:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An artist was found dead in their home. The police said they are not giving up any information, because the "details are sketchy".
SecretAgentScarn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You took this from plague
ninetiesplease ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lol yes, it never said one you created yourself.
misswildwanderlust ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 23:17:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Obama propose to Michelle? "I don't wanna be Obama-self."
spyker54 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:14:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do poor italians live?
In the spaghetto
SoullessGingerBeard ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 00:24:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bartender says, โWe donโt serve time travelers in here.โ
SoullessGingerBeard ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:29:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a time traveler walks into a bar.
GForce1975 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 01:08:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was driving down I-10 headed to Mississippi from Louisiana, going about 80 in a 70. There was a state trooper behind a sign
He lit me up as I flew by, so I pulled over. So he slowly gets out of his vehicle, puts on his wide-brimmed hat and slowly walks over.
As I looked up at him, his mirrored sunglasses showed nothing but my own face, and he was chewing on a matchstick as he drawled..
"Boy, I been waiting for you all day."
To which I replied,
"Officer, I got here as fast as I could!"
There was about 10 seconds that felt like an hour before he slowly grinned and said.. "Slow down and get the fuck out of here"
castillar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:57:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young woman was driving back from spring break in Florida. Desperate to make it back to NC in time for classes, she found herself speeding through the wilds of rural Georgia. When the cop pulled her, she was doing 85 in a 45.
The cop, a typical large Georgia-grown specimen, moseyed his way up to her rolled-down window and drawled, โMaโam, NO ONE goes through mah state that fast.โ
Annoyed with the interruption, the woman looked at him and without thinking said, โOh yeah? Sherman did.โ
LughnasadhFarm ยท 199 points ยท Posted at 23:17:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try, Amy Schumer!
glittalogik ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:23:21 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They all laughed at Amy when she said she wanted to be a comedian.
Well, no one's laughing now!
TooL8ForTheYoungGun ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 23:59:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
boom-tissโ
thebrucewayne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:20:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Happy CakeDay!
TooL8ForTheYoungGun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
hey thanks! didn't even realize ๐๐
Fuck-you-dane-cook ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:10:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anal sex is a lot like my first car. I didn't want it but my dad gave it to me anyway
skulldir ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 19:59:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man was driving down the road and he saw a grasshopper on the side of the road, and figured he would say hi. He did so and started to have a conversation with the grasshopper. The talk about the grasshoppers's family, home, and recently deceased grandfather. Although this is clearly the start of a new friendship the man says that he has to leave, and that he will talk to the grasshopper soon. But as he is leaving he says "You know there is a drink named after you" and the grasshopper replies, "There is a drink named Frank?". fin
skulldir ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:01:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if you didn't know https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grasshopper_(cocktail)
Call_me_Cassius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!!! never knew that's what that was called! Awesome!
RussellDuster ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 22:37:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs!
brownribbon ยท 281 points ยท Posted at 22:31:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Political correctness has gotten completely out of hand these days. I can't even say 'black paint.' I have to say 'please paint that wall, Tyrone.'
Kelloggs_Brimblebop ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:11:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best one so far
iwastedthislife ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:22:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for that one!
amcbr79505 ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 21:59:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is a woman on a beach with no arms and no legs and sheโs crying. A man walks by and says why are you crying. The woman says Iโve never been kissed before. The man picks her up gives her a kiss puts her down and starts to walk away when he hears her crying again. He turns back and says why are you crying now. She says, Iโve never been fucked before. So he picks her up and tosses her into the ocean and says. Ok now youโre fucked!
FeIIa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:32:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read the first sentence and the last two, and I fucking lost it
pIannedUnparenthood ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:19:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not mine, but my S.O.'s dad uses this one...
myself and/or bf walk into his parents' house
his dad stops in his tracks or looks up from whatever he's doing if he's sitting down, to exclaim:
"THEY'LL LET ANYBODY IN HERE!"
If papers or pen are in hand, he'll faux-dramatically toss them up into the air
It's the dedication to it that makes it funnier every single time.
Poprorptop ยท 97 points ยท Posted at 22:37:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many elephants can you fit in a mini cooper?
Four, two in the front and two in the back.
How many giraffes can you fit in a mini cooper?
None, with all those elephants in there.
How do you know if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
There are footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
They giggle when the lights go out.
How do you know if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
You can't quite get the door closed.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
There's a mini cooper parked outside.
Blu64 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:09:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how do elephants camouflage themselves? they paint themselves red and hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? works pretty good doesn't it.
Zeegh ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 23:07:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
onionringologist ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:39:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโll probably feel dumb for asking, but I donโt get it. Whatโs a wheelchair have to do with vegetables?
HawkeyeKK ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:50:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vegetable
onionringologist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey. I was right. Now I feel dumb. Thanks!
tamoore0803 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:43:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that one as 'What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? Putting them back in their wheelchair.'
SpaceKoala34 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:50:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fake noodle
AN IMPASTA
Im positive it's the greatest joke of all time and refuse to listen to the people that tell me it sucks
LibertyUnderpants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I admire your confidence :)
i_fed_the_goat ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 23:56:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexic Association
Kennyb321 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:10:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there. Dishes. Dishes who. Dishes the best joke I know.
mjc543 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:37:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell and hit him in the head?
I only have my shelf to blame.
Erics_Pixels ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:38:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eli5 of my job: I dig holes to install electric utilities.
When a homeowner or passerby asks what Iโm doing I always say โmaking a messโ.
Or when they ask if Iโve found any gold Iโll say yes and my crew member will punch me and give me a shifty look then Iโll change my answer to no.
ericalynnxoo ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 01:43:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gold walks into the bar. The bartender says, โAu! Get out of the bar!โ
lorddresefer ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:17:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this joke, it has a certain element to it. I might have to use it periodically.
LoopyChew ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:35:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I'm gonna leave it on the table.
Skyflareknight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:52:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are pure gold.
Chapafifi ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 21:04:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 whales walk into a bar. The first whale goes "woooooooOOOOOOOAAOAAAAGggggHHHhhhhhhhaaaaaaaoooOOooOOoooo"
And the second whale says "Steve, what the hell. You're drunk"
It's funnier in person I think
tomass1232321 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:28:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, my favourite way to deliver this is by starting the first one with a deep breath in, and keep going until you canโt anymore, and then do the same the second time as if you were going to yell again, and just cut it off with a smooth โGo home Jerry, youโre drunkโ in a normal voice
Chapafifi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet! I'm gonna start doing this now! Thanks man
tomass1232321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah np, it works like a damn charm!
LTVOLT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wouldn't it work better if it were dolphins
RunsWithScissorsYOLO ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:01:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, that reminds me of this one.
Two biscuits are baking in an oven. The first biscuit says โMan, it sure is hot in hereโ. The second biscuit says โOH MY GOD! A TALKING BISCUIT!!โ
Xystal ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 22:52:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexicans in a boat with a hole in the bottom?
Cuatro Sinko!
Squirrel-ScoutCookie ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:52:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after you eat.
BrandonLindley ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:50:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
pmc1665477 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:43:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What weighs 65 pounds is black and blue and has zero interest in sex? The 5th grader in my trunk. That's my go to "what is wrong with you?" joke, got it off of lovely reddit.
KoodooWarrior ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:56:43 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I called in to work sick today and my boss said 'how sick are you exactly?' I said 'well I'm in bed with my twelve year old sister'
pmc1665477 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:02:08 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit I gotta steal this one.... That is so much better than mine.
KoodooWarrior ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:17:40 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Feel free to spread the legs. Oops I mean word!
Your_dog_in_my_inbox ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo.
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 22:31:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke, but a pun.
After saying a pun and the person rolls their eyes about it I always say, โI really love telling puns, thatโs just how eye rollโ
cluelessdweeb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:44:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just realized I donโt know my roommateโs reddit username. I am suspicious that you may be the same people.
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:45:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, no, itโs not me Chris.
cluelessdweeb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:46:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
<.< thatโs exactly what Todd would say!
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:47:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, did you really forget your own roommateโs name? My name is Craig.
cluelessdweeb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:47:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, Tom. You canโt fool me so easily.
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really though Jeremy, you know that itโs me, letโs just stop it with the games.
cluelessdweeb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke where you pretend Iโm a man is getting old dude. You can call me Julie and fuck off.
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, calm down Alex, you donโt need to get so upset.
cluelessdweeb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not sorry, still peeved you ate my Oreos. AND NOW IM PUTTING IT ON REDDIT SO YOU CAN BE SHAMED BY THE MASSES. GOOD DAY, SIR.
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOU ATE MY BURGER, I WAS GETTING BACK AT YOU!!!! YOU ARE THE WEONG ONE MโLADY!
DirkMcCallahan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I count myself amongst the 99.999% of human beings who loathe puns, but this make me smile inwardly to a slight degree. Have an upvote.
IAmTheSorcerer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You are welcome for bringing warmth to your heart on the topic of puns, and I thank you for the upvote, your kind sir.
GodMonster ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:57:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine was showing off his new kilt, but instead of wearing a sporran on a chain in the traditional way, it was attached to the kilt via a belt. It was like a whole new take on the classic sporran, a neo-sporran if you will.
elcep ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:27:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
Bong_McPuffin ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:42:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm on the phone I'll say something like "Hey, before you go I got a question for you" and then immediately hang up.
9 out of 10 times I'll get them calling back saying we got disconnected... at which point I'll say "Yeah looks like we did, anyways, I was going to ask you" and then hang up immediately.
I got one person to switch phone carriers because he thought he had such shitty reception when really it was just me being an asshole.
JunkyardMccants ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:17:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. (Who's there?) Panther. (Panther who?) Panther no panth ith time to party!
micmac_paddywhack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am now incredibly excited for the next time mine friends all get together and I can use this
Dravain ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:15:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a washing machine and a virgin?
Washing machines don't follow you around for a week after you drop a load in them.
JohnKGalbraith ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 21:56:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I Intern at a big bank and I tell people that โ(bank name) actually gets rid of half of their internship resumes before even looking at them because they donโt want to hire unlucky peopleโ
bswiderski ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:57:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โYouโre driving a bus and at the first stop, two people board the bus.
At stop number two, one person gets off the bus and three people get on.
At the next stop, two people get off the bus and one person gets on.
At the forth stop, five people get on the bus and three people get off the bus.
Whoโs driving the bus?โ
Admittedly, itโs more of a brain teaser than a joke, but no one to date has ever been able to tell me that, in fact, THEY are driving the bus. Props to my dad for telling me this one as kid.
mohlema ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:10:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten-tickles
camarang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:56 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I thought they had 8
GetZenified ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 20:50:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
I can't jelly my cock up your ass.
PrincessPeachSchnaps ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:01:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The best place to ask this is when you're looking at jelly/jam at the store with someone. I've only had the chance to do this once. I completely caught the person of guard and it was magical. Mostly because it was the most perfect timing, but also because I'm a chick.
BroccoliManChild ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 21:08:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I wouldn't pay $20 to let a garbanzo bean on my face.
titlewhore ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:37:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jason Mraz told me this joke, but he said 'i wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face'
macbubs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:12:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's cool you got to meet him. He is my little sister's fave. I'm glad he has a sense of humor.
titlewhore ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:31:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love him, I really like his chill music, and he really is such a funny guy.
I am going to San Diego for a bachelorette party in June and I suggested that we check out his wife's bakery and all the girls laughed at me and called me a loser haha it was pretty humorous actually.
wroughtironfence ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once I was trying to decide which jam I wanted in the grocery and someone came up and tried to tell me the joke but I just thought he actually wanted to know the answer so I told him that jelly is made from just fruit juice whereas jam is made from the whole fruit just crushed up and therefore less stiff than jelly. He kinda lost steam after that but still sorta dejectedly said the punch line. It was pretty weird.
GetZenified ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:49:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would have appreciated that you actually knew the answer but would have told you the joke anyway. I mean, it's kinda weird to tell that joke to a stranger in the grocery store, but if I was gonna do it, I'd commit.
wolvern76 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure Jelly is the term for when you're just putting the dick up past the tailbone through the buttcrack.
GetZenified ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL?
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:00:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not with that attitude.
That wasn't an invitation btw
PyssDribbletts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:09:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a sheep and a ram?
I can't sheep it up there, either!
denkmusic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to too but I use marmalade and only use it at breakfast looking genuinely inquisitive
McSpanish85 ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 22:58:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Duck walks into a bar and says, โYou got any gwapes?โ Bartender says, โNo.โ the duck thanks him and leaves
Next day the duck comes back and again asks, โYou got any gwapes?โ Bartender answers, โ No we donโt have any grapes. This is a bar we donโt serve grapes.โ Duck thanks him and leaves
Next day the Duck comes back and the Bartender has had enough and says, โLook here, Duck, we donโt have any grapes we will never have grapes. Now if you ask me for grapes again Iโm gonna staple your feet to the floor.โ The Duck thinks for a minute and then asks โYou got any staples?โ The Bartender says โNo.โ The Duck then says โOh good. You got any gwapes?โ
Edit:I canโt spell good
molaupi ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 00:38:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โชAnd he waddled away, bum bum bum, till the very next day.โช
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:51:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ejeebs ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know I've heard that as a joke before I heard the Duck Song.
McSpanish85 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No Iโve never heard that Duck song before. Iโve only only ever heard it told as a joke.
-firead- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:31:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/MtN1YnoL46Q
Dammit.
LiquidXe ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:38:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in their tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive."
shunrata ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:33:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in their tank. One says to the other, "Blub, blub."
sohanv ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:38:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Canbeezy ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:48:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis
isaacides ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 23:10:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyโd the snail get a giant letter S painted on his new Porsche?
So that people will point and scream โLook at that S-car go!โ
litefoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Coming to America joke. Nice
Claud6568 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:46:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Actually Trading Places.
decapitatedwalrus ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:32:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.โ
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
MentalAssaultCo ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:43:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A sandwich walks into the bar and the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve sandwiches here." and the sandwich says "that's okay, I'm not hungry."
[deleted] ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 22:29:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
EliTheCoder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:55:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm gonna need some help on this one (ik Iโm stupid)
AtCougarNation ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:01:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*You must be Polish.
EliTheCoder ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:19:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke actually helped me get it
AtCougarNation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm very glad that's how you were able to understand it. Hahah
j0hnk50 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm blond and Polish. And old.
So here are some of the "Polock" jokes I can remember from the 70's:
How did the polock break his arm raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
What are the toughest 3 years of a polock's childhood?
The third grade.
How do you break a polock's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
Why do polocks have such big noses?
They're all hand picked.
RS177 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:40:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why polish in particular?
Entropyanxiety ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:58:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Steriotypically not very smart. Like a blonde joke but more... racist? I think would be the proper term
paging_doctor_who ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:19:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think racist works. Ethnicitist doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
its basically the blonde joke of 50 years ago
Dr_Winston_O_Boogie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Polish were the go-to "boy are they stupid" targets of jokes from when I was growing up in the 70s. No idea why, but "Polack" jokes were abundant. I remember a magazine, Mad or Cracked or the like, saying we needed to make fun of a new group and declared all Polish jokes would from now on be about Paraguayans. It made just as much sense.
Quantum_Compooter ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:54:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf person a chicken? Scream WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?
denkmusic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This got me
Quantum_Compooter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha! When I first heard it I about died and I've been using it ever since.
ComicWriter2020 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:00:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So two Jewish pickles walk up to one another...one asks how the others doctor appointment went. The other said โeverything was kosherโ
cfang ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:33:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop I eat mop who?
Gross you eat your poo!? Hey everyone jake just said he eats his poo!
chocymylk ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:55:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster who has gotten breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
WaitAMinuteWhoAreYou ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:56:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the life guard save the hippie?
He was too far out.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:16:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A drunk gets wasted at a bar and pukes on himself.
He laments to the bartender that his wife is going to kill him for going out and drinking too much again.
The bartender says, "Hey don't worry. Put a $20 bill in your shirt pocket. Tell your wife someone threw up on you and gave you the money for dry-cleaning. Works every time."
The drunk decides to try it out and heads home. His wife confronts him and goes crazy when she sees the vomit. "I knew it, you were out drinking again!"
"No, no, honey. A gentleman got sick on me on the subway and, look here, he gave me $20 to get my shirt dry-cleaned."
Wife, skeptical: "but there are two $20 bills here."
Drunk: "Oh, yeah... He shit my pants, too."
anguslee90 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:30:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
strange music playing
โOh, I lost my virginity to this song!โ
The more fucked up the song, the better the joke
notsofastandy ยท 124 points ยท Posted at 20:05:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Philadelphia Flyers
pjabrony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:05:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They said never fail. I'd say the Lindros trade was a fail.
SadBillsfan92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:36:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a Sabres fan, I can assure you we are a far superior joke.
Mortimer14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Detroit Tigers
Detroit Lions
Detroit Red Wings
Detroit (the city)
more sad than funny actually (that's baseball, football, and basketball in case you were wondering)
qqqqq_38 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:37:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, the Flyers always fail
mosaicevolution ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:16:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Watching them fail right now
qqqqq_38 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:18:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, only took one period of playoff hockey to completely destroy any hope their fans had.
laurenwearssperrys ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 21:54:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think they meant the Cryers are a joke. But what you said is also extremely true.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:27:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Washington Capitals
riali29 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:14:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Washington Capitals in the third round.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Washington Capitals in the second round
bearguin2211 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At the time of my comment they're down 3-0 in the first period. Pennsyl-mania already living up to the hype lol.
NoReGretzkys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You weren't kidding. 5-0 for the Pens in the third as I write this comment.
kylebb2000 ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 00:26:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: If you have 100 bricks and you throw one out of a plane how many do you have? A: 99
Q: What are the 3 steps to getting an elephant in a refrigerator? A: Open the door. Put the elephant in. Close the door
Q: What are the 4 steps to getting a giraffe in the same refrigerator? A: Open the door. Take the elephant out. Put the giraffe in. Close the door.
Q: If all the animals in the animal kingdom have a party who isnโt there ? A: The giraffe heโs in the refrigerator
Q: If Susan plans to get across a crocodile infested river without a raft how does she do it? A: Swims, the crocodiles are at the party
Q: Susan gets across safe and sound, then immediately drops dead. How? A: She got hit on the head by a fucking brick!
ParadigmSaboteur ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:22:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two cats. Their names are One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. They are walking and come to a river so they swim across. Which cat gets to the other side first?
One Two Three because Un Deux Trois cat SANK.
multimaskedman ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:53:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In class one day Johnny was very excited to tell the story of what his dog had done the day before.
โThere was a raccoon in my backyard and my dog was chasing him around. The raccoon stopped suddenly and my dog ran right into his ass!โ
The teacher was shocked. โJohnny,โ she said, โWe donโt ever use that word. We say rectum.โโ
Johnny simply said in reply โWrecked em? Heck it killed him.โ
KoodooWarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:40 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heard it slightly differently. I like shoving bangers (firecrackers) up frogs arses. Teacher says 'rectum Jimmy, rectum ' Jimmy says 'rectum miss? Blew them to fucking pieces more like!'
wiggaroo ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:57:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
codycation ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:51:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampons behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
trench_welfare ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, dumb broad. Can you imagine..
codycation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most definitely haha
LittleEnvy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's for all the musicians here but what's the difference between a tailor and a violist? ;3
A tailor tucks up frills, a violist
benevolentpotato ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:47:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are sitting on the front porch in a communist nudist colony. One says to the other, "Have you read Marx?" and the other guy goes "Yeah, I think it's these wicker chairs."
200porcupines ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:09:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One will make your day, and the other will make your whole week.
Phonics_Frog ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:11:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor comes into the room and the patient asks him what he found. Doctor says โIโve got bad news- you have cancer....-and Alzheimerโs.โ The patient thinks for a moment and replies โwell at least I donโt have cancerโ
XenaGemTrek ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:41:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two polar bears, a mother and her cub, come to a river. The mother polar bear jumps in and swims to the other side. The cub follows. On the other side of the river, they shake the water out of their fur, and the cub says to its mother,
โHey, Mum!โ
โYes, son?โ
โAm I a grizzly bear?โ
โNo, son. Youโre a polar bear.โ
โOh, thanks, Mum.โ
They walk across the snow for a bit when they see another river with some ice on it. The mother swims across to the ice. The cub follows. On the ice, they shake the water out, and the cub says,
โHey, Mum!โ
โYes, son?โ
โAm I a brown bear?โ
โNo, son. Youโre a polar bear.โ
โOh! Thanks Mum.โ
The mother bear then sits by the edge of the ice and starts looking in the water for some food, a fish, a seal or whatever. The ice floats down the river. They see a narwhal and a grampus. They see a couple of orcas. The wind picks up, and then it begins to snow. After a while, the cub says,
โHey, Mum!โ
โYes, son?โ
โAm I a koala bear?โ
โNo, son. I told you, youโre a polar bear. Why do you keep asking this?โ
โBecause Iโm fucking freezing!โ
kjvlv ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:55:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is sitting at a bar and is depressed. The bartender asks him what is a matter.
"Well, last night I got so drunk I blew chunks." Said the man.
"Hey, don't worry about it . Lots of people get that drunk." Said the bartender.
"You don't get it, Chunks is my dog!" Replied the man.
colt45feelnaliv ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into a bar and says "can I have a (wait 10 seconds) beer?"
Bartender says "yea, but what's with the huge pause?"
Bear says "I was born with em"
thatguywiththemousta ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:33:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy walks into a bar
and then table
and a chair
kimisfuzzy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:31:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not mine, but...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
supermanstream ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:17:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two introverts walk into a room. One leaves.
megadeth37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:15 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Introverted trees* ftfy
DrFridayTK ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 00:09:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT a lot of peopleโs never-fail jokes definitely do fail.
Raye2995 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 22:13:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
Nofrohere ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 22:23:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok so this is more of an experience.
"Hey, anyone know a good joke?" you start laughing. "hahahaha... Yes.. Oh.. I know a good one... you ready?" Then quickly you look at them and say,
"Ok. Say Knock knock!"
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"uh......" Then you just walk away leaving them confused as to how they started telling a joke.
GodMonster ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:07:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks me "Do you know any good jokes?" I like to look at them with a straight face and say "Yes" and then say nothing more.
Nofrohere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Excellent!
Frugalfoodie ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:13:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who? (Say it out loud)
Gross
bitterberries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or smell mop
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:02:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what the German word for bra is? Datshouldstopemfromfloppin
theKalash ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:55:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We have long words, I get it .... will probably fail against germans.
btw it's actually Bรผstenhalter, literally bust-holder.
camarang ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:26:58 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
woooosh
Chubtoaster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
boo
xordanemoce ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Der Floppinstopper!
Noredditing ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:40:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese person getting run over by a car? One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed asian.
theseebmaster ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:11:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People ask me what I want to do after graduating with a music major, and I say โHopefully not starve.โ Always gets a laugh, but itโs pretty specific
dysfunctional_vet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:10:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure Equifax is hiring...
thoomfish ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 23:28:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
thoomfish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:29:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
thoomfish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:30:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like," answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up. "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
thoomfish ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:30:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?" protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
thoomfish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:30:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
"Nate, do accidents count?"
Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.
A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.
"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.
"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?"
"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared."
"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.
"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."
"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"
"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."
"And then he just died?" asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.
After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he 'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."
Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?
"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.
thoomfish ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 23:31:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"
Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."
Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"
Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"
Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.
"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.
"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.
"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."
Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.
mbgieser ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:20:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe I just read all of that
intheyear3005 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:29:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want you to know that this was 100% worth it. I hoped to god it would be after that much buildupโand it was. Thank you.
WayneOfGoats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:36:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is so great. This joke changes my life.
golfslave1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:24:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That story was so good, I knew it was gonna have a stupid ending like that (shaggy dog tale) but I didn't care. It was a great read. The joke doesn't even work in my accent (australian). We say lee-ver. Thanks for the fun read!
dolukian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:56:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Winner!
AlphaFridgeHomie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:25:38 on July 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The longest thing Iโve read on here wow
Klenesto ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:01:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
malkav54 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:13:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger broke through the toilet paper
TYPEDINALLCAPS ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:34:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:42:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
patwheresmycat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:39:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Henry the VIII and Kermit the Frog have in common.
The same middle name.
Itโs so bad. But I love it!
Jbro9000 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:44:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? He doesn't have a wife!
RaiderDamus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:18:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An American man took his Scottish friend to a baseball game. The Scotsman had never been to a baseball game before.
Whenever a batter would hit the ball, whether he was out or not, the Scotsman would yell, "Run, ye bugger, run!"
But one batter was thrown four pitches out of the strike zone, and leisurely made his way to first base. The Scotsman yelled, "Run, ye bugger, run!"
His American friend said, "Oh, he has four balls. He gets to walk."
The Scotsman replied, "Oh I see. Walk with dignity, lad!"
four_low ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:18:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that parrots die after sex? (Wait for quizzical look) I mean, at least all the ones I fucked did.
DoomedJanissary ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:48:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The rooster
Hadouken7 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:01:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a chameleon that cannot change colours ? Ereptile dysfunction
avefelix ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:37:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaaaaaeeeeey!
aalamb ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:56:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bit late to the thread, but with the proper delivery, especially of the punchline, this seems to get a hearty laugh every time. I learned a slightly different version, but I'll tell it close to the original:
University of Georgia is playing Auburn in football. Winner wins the SEC, goes to the Sugar Bowl. 90,000 people in the stadium, game is on national TV. The pregame festivities commence, and the Georgia team charges on to the field, lead by their mascot, a bulldog named Uga. U-G-A, Uga.
Now, Uga does not realize he is on national TV, he's a dog. And as dogs often like to do, he... starts to lick his balls. He's only a dog.
Bubba and Earl are sitting in the stands. Bubba punches Earl in the arm, goes "Hey, Earl? Look at that dog. Dadgum, I wish I could do that". Earl turns to Bubba, says, "Bubba... That dog will bite you!"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:16:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dinosaur with bad eye sight?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
To_Arthur ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:58:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So Jesus is up in Heaven with his Disciples and they are all saying that there is a big drugs problem down on Earth. However the only way they can agree on in order to come to a decision about what to do about this is to go down to Earth and try the drugs for themselves.
So Jesus sends them down and a few days later, they begin arriving back in Heaven.
There's a knock on the door.
Jesus: Who is it?
Matthew: It is Matthew
Jesus: And what have you brought with you?
Matthew: I have brought Weed from Amsterdam.
Jesus: Wonderful. Come in, my child.
There's another knock on the door.
Jesus asks again: Who is it?
Mark: It is Mark
Jesus asks what he has brought with him.
Mark says: I have brought Cocaine from Columbia.
Excellent, my son. Jesus replies. Enter.
There is a third knock on the door and yet again Jesus asks who it is.
Judas: It is Judas.
Jesus: And what have you brought with you?
Judas: FBI MOTHERFUCKERS! HANDS AGAINST THE WALL!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:20:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
the_fuego ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:59:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a blonde, brunette and a red head are running from the cops. While they're running they spot a barn off in the distance. Quickly, they dart in and try to find a place to hide so they don't get arrested and thrown in jail. The brunette hides in a horse stall, the red head takes cover in a pig pen, the blonde, in a panic, dives into a sack of potatoes.
The cop comes bursting through the barn door, looks around and proceeds to search the entire barn. First he approaches the horse stall, briefly looks inside and punches the gate. The Brunette, with quick thinking says: NEIGGGHHH. Just a horse, the cop thinks to himself. Next he comes up to the pig pen, nothing out of the ordinary but he give the pen a good shake. The Red head follows suit and squeals OIIIINK OINK OINK OINK!.
"Just as I thought, stupid pigs." The cop says.
Finally he gets to the back of the barn. After searching high and low he becomes visibly frustrated and angry he lost the criminals. The cop walks up to a sack of potatoes and gives it a great, big KICK.
The blonde, startled, screams: POTATOES, POTATOES, TALKIIIING POTATOES!!
sanguwan ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:59:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
Zachmonster0 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:45:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always follow this one up with:
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:15:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy got really mad at me the other day when he caught me sniffing his sister's panties.
I'm not sure what made him angrier, the fact that she was still wearing them or that all of their family were there.
Either way it really spoiled the funeral.
Veloci_faptor ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:20:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
I love how deep the initial question seems, and how incredibly stupid the punchline is.
LaulauJ2017 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:30:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time do you go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty)
I use this mostly for me though. It doesn't get the most laughs, but it gets me laughing the most.
CircleDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget cowboy time at ten to ten.
bieberhole6996 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:51:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty.
AnchorsUnderwater ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 21:48:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whenever I see a birds flying overhead Hey did you ever wonder when birds fly in a V shape, why one side is longer than the other?
Because there are more birds on that side.
mrwalkway32 ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 22:22:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Asians are such bad drivers, sometimes I think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
ImAGeekNotANerd ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:50:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes aside, later on in the war, Pearl Harbor was destroyed again by accident. Mishap while handling explosives; broke the world record for the biggest explosion ever. :\
ComicWriter2020 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:04:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hooray?
yellowcedar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:54:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Useless, off topic โfactsโ aside, Iโm almost certain youโre thinking of the Halifax disaster in WWI which caused the biggest manmade explosion until the invention of nuclear weapons. There was the West Loch disaster but it certainly didnโt destroy Pearl Harbor.
The-Syldon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beat me to it. Very interesting read if anyone hasn't already.
ImAGeekNotANerd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I guess I was thinking of West Loch, but remembered it wrong. I was convinced that the harbor suffered extensive damage, but it seems I wasn't entirely correct.
speedtsars ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:22:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
mrwalkway32 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Didnโt know that. TIL.
costellomusic ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 22:31:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batmanโs mum shout when his Dinner was ready?
Nothing, Batmanโs an orphan, she died in the first film, pay attention!
krusty556 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:23:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one my gf likes to use..
What did the eye say to other eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
[deleted] ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 21:21:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
peepfoot ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 22:37:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist.
FIFY
bg-j38 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:52:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"TIL Hitler killed 6 million Jews and a clown."
"A clown?"
"SEE! No one ever cares about the Jews!"
ulyssessword ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 22:57:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call someone who graduated bottom of their class from med. school?
Doctor.
Bassline05 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 22:47:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is all wrong...
The joke goes what do you call a black guy who flies airplanes. A pilot you racist!!!
titlewhore ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:57:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you are supposed to add *** you fucking racist
MarcusRoland ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:07:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love using this as a secret racism detector.
BalloonKittens ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:36:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why did the Nazis lose the war?"
Because they could Not-See
"Why did the Allies win the war?"
Because they had All-Eyes
dofjr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:45:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between pink and purple?
Ur grip
RS177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wtf lol
maxstolfe ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:09:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
chill_chihuahua ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:12:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you remove asbestos?
Asbestos you can!
Kikanolo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:24:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does every offensive joke start?
looks over left shoulder, looks over right shoulder
peachyfuzzle ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:26:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Batman's favorite fruit?
Ba-NAnaNAnaNAnaNAnas
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:45:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
camarang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:57 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/beetlejuicing
wimwamwuzzle ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:35:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeves. Thanks, TFS!
CannonEyes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:40:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When cooking with someone a dish that involves either chick peas or lentils:
What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face
thisistk ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:56:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why was the tomato red?
it saw the salad dressing
Zeyn1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:09:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a threesome is with three people, and a twosome is with two people, does that make me handsome?
fkjpg ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:12:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
MustafaKadhem ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:21:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
"Don't talk to the guy in the middle. He's a dick."
Hipster_Ninja_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:11:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stealing this one from Cib
Okay so thereโs this family going to play golf, right? So itโs the family, and theyโre at the golf course, and theyโre there playing golf, at the golf course, the family is, theyโre there playing golf, and the family is there playing golf and theyโre playing golf on the golf course together as a family and theyโre there at the golf course-ahhh nevermind you wouldnโt get it.
HullGuy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:48:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once got a blow job from a dentist. She had the whitest teeth Iโve ever come across.
ltc- ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:26:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐คฃ
irvingswiftj ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?
A: BaNaNaNaaaa
gerrysaint33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks Dad!
willgk ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:23:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My husband has one that makes me giggle so hard and snort Everytime he tells it.
What's green and kills people when it falls out of trees.
A pool table.
liammm1991 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:25:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my step ladder
I never knew my real ladder
LouSkuntte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:40:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like Steven Wright.
jondread ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:12:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I see two people doing something even a little bit out of the ordinary I say "I've seen porn that starts like this" which usually gets an amused response
Heroes_Always_Die ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Title of your sextape
PM_ME_CATHARSIS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This works particularly well for me, as I used to work at a porn shop.
DomSP ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:09:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog magician? A labra-cadabra-dor
allothernamestaken ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:18:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?
A pilot, what are you racist?
GrayestSundew ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 23:35:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Especially true when told to girls- what do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain
MyNameIsNotRyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've cat to be kitten me right meow.
[deleted] ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 21:59:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
Plaeggs ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 22:50:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you read the rest of the jokes?
emojilover3001 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:55:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love it
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:54:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?
titlewhore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, I just know that I should be.
WesterosiBrigand ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:58:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHOOSH
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
areyoufuckingsorry.com
randompopcorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:24:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man this reminds me of the time that I came home after doing volunteer work for a special olympics event and my then boyfriend asked how it went and I said โI got silver!โ
titlewhore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:45 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's the most perfect response
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 20:08:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The interrupting cow joke. I read in some teen magazine that it was JTT's favorite joke and it's stuck with me ever since.
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:01:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the interrupting starfish version.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:12:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I've heard that one. What do starfish say? Do you make underwater sounds?
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:31:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You reach out and grab their face.
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:01:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Careful if your audience has glasses, though.
Source: Have glasses. Don't like it when people don't watch the glasses.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna have to try that!
meowhahaha ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:28:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who is JTT?
cosmoceratops ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 21:37:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Justin "Temptation" Trudeau.
SirSupernova ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Justin "The Lumberjack" Timberlake.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 21:33:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh goodness, I'm old. JTT is Johnathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement back in the day.
PelicanStatie ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:40:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heโs expected to be president by 2029.
traffick ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:55:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You just throw out "JTT" like we're going to know what it means. The nerve!
QuadCannon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:36:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He had three first names.
mjharrop ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:15:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsshhhh
the_salivation_army ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:24:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear without ears? A b.
FeIIa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Boooo
mjharrop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:36:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They never specified it had to be a good joke, just a never fail joke! That one never fails to make people groan!
AvaSkye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:07:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one that my kid will spurt out every so often. Always makes me chuckle. Glad to see it here!
sushitraash ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:21:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Nancy's name when she's pregnant? Pregnancy.
nicearthur32 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:38:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Mexicans use to cut pizza? LITTLE CAESARS!
raketa23 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When did Pinocchio realize he's made of wood?
When his right hand got on fire
Aasokeo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is excellent
sarcasm_trash ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:20:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg-leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says โAy mate, youโve got a steering wheel on yer pants!โ, the pirate responds โArrr I know, itโs driving me nuts.โ
TDiddlez ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/f-lu4E246AI
Jrow96 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:29:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this?"
TDiddlez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other fish says,"HOLY SHIT A TALKING FISH!"
MiL0101 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:35:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
moongoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot read that without hearing Stewart Francis' voice.
_raytheist_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:15:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What has nine arms and sucks? A: Def Leppard.
the_salivation_army ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:29:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with wings? Linda McCartney.
_raytheist_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oof.
galaxias_kyklos ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:17:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use a wheelchair, press automatic door button, say let me get that door for you
mbuck52 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:27:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan
lazespud2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:28:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:01:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an old lady yell, "fuck"? Have another old lady yell, "Bingo!"
Li_alvart ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:44:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do Japanese dogs greet? - Konichihuahua
yyou_too ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:13:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are out camping when they decide to set up and call it a night.
In the middle of the night, Sherlock awakes and turns to John. He shakes him and says, "John, look up. What do you see?"
John, groggily replies, "There are hundreds of thousands of stars and the like up above..."
"And what do you deduce from that?" Sherlock asks.
"Well..." John begins. "It most likely means there are millions of undiscovered civilizations out there in the universe that we cannot even comprehend just yet, as well as technologies that will remain undiscovered for many years ahead..." he rambles on for a moment as Sherlock nods. When he finally finishes and turns to see why he had been asked, Sherlock laughs and says,
"Yes, but no, you idiot. It means someone stole our tent."
CptMagnum ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:40:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus?
I don't know but it picks berries like a mother fucker.
tittybuster ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:46:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Dalmation walks into a bar and takes a seat. He notices three horses sitting nearby, and decides to listen in. "so i was in a race the other day, and i was in the lead by quite a bit. Just as i was getting close to the finish line, something but me in the ass! I panicked and ended up losing the race, and i have no idea what bit me!" the first horse says. The second horse looks at him and says "holy shit, the same thing happened to me! I was in first place, got bit in the ass and lost!" The third horse exclaimed that the same thing happened to him. The Damnation thinks for a moment, and decides he might know what's going on. He approaches the horses and says "excuse me, i overheard your conversation and i believe i know what happened." The horses look at each other a moment. "HOLY SHIT A TALKING DOG"
My delivery may be weak, as I am a weak little boy with sub-par joke skills. Also sorry if the formatting is shitty.
ShoelessWonder25 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:47:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When a European dies, they can go to either European Heaven or European Hell.
In European Heaven; the English greet you, the French cook for you, the Italians provide the hospitality, and the Germans organize the whole thing.
In European Hell; the French greet you, the English cook for you, the Germans provide the hospitality, and the Italians organize the whole thing.
bus77 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:52:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man sees an ad in the paper for a talking dog and decides that he can't pass up the opportunity so he drives over to see the dog and possibly buy it. When he gets to the house he asks the owner if he can go talk to the dog. The owner says yes and the man goes back to the bedroom where the dog is. He says hi to the dog and the dog to his great surprise says hi back. He thinks to himself how is this possible but goes on and makes small talk and eventually asks how the dog got to where he is. The dog says Well I've been on some great journeys. When I was a pup I was trained as a police dog and I helped solve many crimes and won many medals. Then I was delployed in Afganistan where I was a bomb sniffer and saved many soldiers lives. I got depressed and I had to come back home. When I got home I became a seeing Seeing Eye dog for 3 different owners. After that I was ready to retire so that's how I ended up here.
The man goes back out to the owner beaming with excitement and says your dog is INCREDIBLE! Why in the world would you ever sell him? To which the owner replies "Yeah he's a pretty good dog and also a BIG FAT LIAR"
bk_steph ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
WeRegretToInform ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:34:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?
An investigation from the research ethics committee and an immediate cessation of funding.
DillonsMiscellany ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:59:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that Hellen Keller had a dog? Neither did she...
ClearBrightLight ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:16:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A ship in a storm hits a reef and begins taking on water.
The captain gets on the radio to send out an SOS:
"Mayday, mayday! We're sinking, we're sinking!"
(In a bad German accent) "Hallo, ja, zis is ze German Coast Guard. Vhat are you sinking about?"
gerrysaint33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:20:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's was a great commercial!
ClearBrightLight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've only ever heard it as a joke! What was it a commercial for?
gerrysaint33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/yR0lWICH3rY
ClearBrightLight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! Perfection. Danke schoen!
gerrysaint33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah petty classic. Where are you vrom?
ClearBrightLight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
New York.
Laaadaa ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:46:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because they grew out of their B shells.
IdontOpenEnvelopes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:55:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: "How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?" A: "she fits into your wife's clothes"
El_Business ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:39:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and sees meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender "Why is all that meat hanging from the ceiling?" The bartender says "Well, we got a bet going. If you can jump and hit any of those pieces of meat, you get your drinks paid for the entire night. If you miss though, you have to pay for everyone's drinks." Then the bartender says "What do you think, you want to try it?" The man says "I don't think so, the steaks are too high."
tusig1243 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:28:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One howls on the prairie and one prowls on the hairy.
Ro6son ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:46:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's brown and slippery? A slipper. What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
AmplerPlateau ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:20:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do walruses and tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
yellowhero12 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:43:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip"
carthalawns_best ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:21:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last great hit was The Wall.
appleappleappleman ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:47:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me, acting excited: "Okay, ask me if I'm a tree."
Them: "Are you a-"
Me, straight-faced: "No."
jermtastic ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 22:33:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay
roo1111 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horse dick
Sirkevinsirwin ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:37:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try, Carlos Mencia.
Stalinisthicc ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:04:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All my jokes about 9/11 crash and burn
tenehemia ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:15:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman walks into a bar. She goes up to the bartender and asks for a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.
zknight137 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:16:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try Amy Schumer
odysseus00 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:41:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys hiking in woods find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."
POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."
POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family are among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:39:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A magnet walked into a bar. It stuck.
bleachonmyeyes ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:43:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be addicted to soap ,but I m clean now.
legitttz ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:49:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
two olives are on a table. one rolls over to the edge, and falls off. the other frantically rolls to the edge, looks down, and shouts, โhey! are you okay??โ the one on the floor replies, โill live.โ
kyoto_blze ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:58:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesnโt matter, it wonโt come to you.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you last left it.
foolhardywaffle ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:58:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you feed an invisible cat?
Evaporated milk.
Freshly_Cut_Grass_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a kid with down syndrome who gets hit by a bus?
A mashed potatoe
kurtn0tk1rk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many people with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes?
CactuarSephiroth ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was Barbie mad at Ken? He came in a different box.
Nice_Melt_Pleb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:10:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, who's that guy up there with dave?
OwariNeko ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:13:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did I tell you about my great memory?
zreyburn75 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:15:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender asks "What's that for?" The pirate replies "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
TDiddlez ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/f-lu4E246AI
djbassmekanik ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:19:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Picture a men's bathroom with writing above the wall stall: "Why are you looking up here when the joke is in your hand?"
Tetheredwench ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:20:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
(I got this one from here ages ago, but its my new fave go to joke)
Castle_for_ducks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:21:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her coat pocket and says, "some assholes got my pen"
Kaitith ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:23:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why dont Barbie and Ken have any kids? Ken came in another box.
jcub801 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:37:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix LDS and LSD? A HIGH priest.
The_iron_lung ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his giraffe go to the bar for a few drinks. After a few drinks the giraffe falls over and passes out. After a few more drinks the man gets up to leave, and the bartender says to him "hey, you can't leave that lyin' there." The man says back, "it's not a lion mate, it's a giraffe!"
Sempuh ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:40:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No shit, There i was... constipated.
temptressbear ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:47:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is all seamlessly one joke:
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Them: I donโt know, why?
Me: To get to the idiotโs house.
Me(again): Knock Knock
They: Whoโs there?
Me: The chicken...
Boxplastic ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:47:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's wrong with three Mexicans driving over a cliff?
They were my friends. :(
derdody ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:48:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two dumb guys walking down the road. One says "Look at that dead bird". The other looks up and says, "where?" (Henny Youngman)
Thatdewd57 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the fungi leave the fungus?
There was not mushroom.
XportR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of room has no windows and no doors?
A mushroom!
nemesis_of_thyme ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:56:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it
KiltedRonin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:32 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a tame Rabbit?
Tame way ;-)
CometFuzzbutt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:59:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually start with canned humor. But i forgot my opener
vievemeister ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:04:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
darthstillz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:05:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_base
RobbieRoor ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:05:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club.
eatsfishforbreakfast ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.
Rubrdux_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:17:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I named my legless dog cigarette because sometimes I like to take him out for a long drag.
alexmm1015 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:21:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat? HAAAAAAAAAAAY
j_walks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:23:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
Incognitochubs ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:46:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the smallest room in the world?
A mushroom
LeviYagamiElric ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:57:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do riot police try to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
minecraftrayquaza ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:01:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a zoo and saw the monkeys wanking. Then I got to the meerkats and I was still wanking
bumblebeesnotface ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:01:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three old ladies are sitting on porch. The first lady puts out her hand and says "My husband got me this ring for our wedding anniversary. It's a 10 carat diamond." The second lady is oooh-ing and ahh-ing and the third says "Oh my, how nice."
Second lady says, "My husband took me on a trip to an Italian villa for a month." First lady oooohs and ahhs, while the third lady just says, "Oh my, how nice."
Things go quiet for a bit, and the first two ladies ask the third what her husband did for their anniversary. "My husband sent me to charm school."
First two ladies are confused. They ask her incredulously why he would do that. Third lady says, "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you'. But since I went to charm school, I say 'Oh my, how nice'."
Pzam56 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:05:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT DO WE WANT!? AIRPLANE NOISES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? NEEEOOOOOWWWWWW (airplane sound)
GWAPPOW ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:14:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three hobos were sitting around the fire asking how each otherโs day went. One hobo talks about how he found a woman tied to the train tracks. He talks about how he untied her and got laid. Another hobo asks โdid you get any head?โ, to which the other hobo replies โno, I couldnโt find itโ.
thatcanadianguysup ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:32:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke NEVeR fails with men, dads and particularly husbands. I have no idea who I stole it from, and who they stole it from, but I hope my version is fresh enough. If you know the original, let me know.
So a man goes to sit down on his plane ride. As he goes to sit down, he notices the man he is sitting beside has a black eye.
"Hey! You have a black eye, so do I!"
"Yeah, I got it from a slip-of-the-tongue , kind of a misunderstanding."
"Oh my god, I got my black eye from a slip-of-the-tongue aswell! What did you say?"
"Ahh, well I was in line to purchase a ticket for this flight to Pittsburg. The lady at the counter had large breasts and when I approached her I accidentally asked for a 'picket to titts-burg' and she sock'd me in the eye."
"Yes, mine was quite the same! There I was at the breakfast table with my wife, and instead of saying 'pass the orange juice', I said, 'You ruined my life, you fucking bitch."
BrandSluts ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:45:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face
lowinmoralfiber ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:44:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
gag
GolgiApparatus1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poor guy
levityler109 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?" The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no." The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for thirty-five years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no." The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no." The old man starts to cry again, "But you screw one goat."
jaffagal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:21:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is having sex while camping so exhilarating? Because it's fucking in tents.
a-little ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's two types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Travyplx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:38:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once entered ten puns into a pun making contest but none of them won. No pun in ten did.
taniat512 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:39:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
Just two but how do they get in there.
Chalcification ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:45:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear? You go up North where the polar bears live, cut a hole in the ice, and spread out a can of peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
Lol. My best jokes come courtesy of my grandpa.
WoodyWordPecker ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:48:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are standing in a field.
โDo you ever worry about mad cow disease?โ asks the first cow. โWhy would I worry about that?โ says the other cow. โIโm a helicopter!โ
PreFollower ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:49:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"To join our secret society, you need to pass a test. Go out there and kill 6 random people and also a kitty." "It's terrible! I can't do this! The kitty has done nothing wrong!" "Congratulations, you are accepted"
ColbyTheSadDog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:33:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
Anchormaaan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:47:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my step ladder...i never knew my real ladder.
Axeman517 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:57:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants.
The barkeep says โhey, do you know you have a steering wheel on the front of your pants?โ
The pirate replies, โarrrrgh, itโs driving me nuts!โ
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:21:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the doctor say after he tried to sign a prescription with a thermometer?
Ah fuck, some asshole's got my pen.
tannhaussergate ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:11:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are standing in a field, one says to the other โdid you hear about this mad cow disease?โ The other replies โoh it doesnโt affect me, Iโm a tractorโ
TheKevinKevin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This boy wants to take this girl to prom. He decides to go to the flower shop and buy her a bouquet of roses. When he gets there, he sees that there is a long line. He waits and waits and eventually gets the roses.
He goes to school and asks the girl to prom. She says yes! He now goes to the school office to buy tickets for prom. There he sees a long line to buy the tickets. He waits and waits and eventually gets the tickets.
The boy needs to get a tuxedo for prom night. He goes to the tux rental shop and sees that there's a long line. He waits and waits and eventually gets his tuxedo.
It's prom night now and the boy and girl arrive at the venue. Once arriving, they notice that there is a long line to get into the building. They wait and wait until eventually they are inside and head to the dance floor.
The girl is now thirst and asks the boy to get her a drink. The boy heads to the punch table and sees there's no punchline.
obeyyourbrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beat me to it. Love that one
chilbo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
Verlepte ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:33:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heisenberg, Schrรถdinger and Ohm are driving to a conference when they're being stopped by a police officer. As the officer walks up to the window he asks Heisenberg: 'Did you know you were doing 60 in a 45 zone?' 'Great', Heisenberg replies, 'now I'm lost!' The police officer things this answer is a bit suspicious, so he ask them to open the car's trunk. 'Did you know you have a dead cat in here?' he asks them. 'Well, now we do!' says Schrรถdinger. The police officer decides to move to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Verlepte ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:36:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also: Newton, Leibniz and Pascal are playing hide and seek. While Leibniz counts, Pascal quickly runs and hides. Newton however just stands behind Leibniz and calmly draws a square around himself of 1 by 1 meter. As Leibniz finishes counting and turns around he says: "I've found you Newton!" to which Newton replies: "No, no, you've found 1 Newton per square meter, which means you've found 1 Pascal!"
wrycon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:36:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a library and says, โI Want a Cheeseburger.โ
The confused librarian frowns and replies, โSir... this is a library.โ
โOh, Sorryโ, he says, bends down and whispers * i want a cheeseburger... *
GerBearStare101 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:10:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim.
Succ_the_Sheep ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:16:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke on its own, but whenever I laugh at my own joke I say, โI crack me up. Thatโs why I donโt need friends!โ It gets a โHEY! Hahahaโ every time from whoever Iโm around.
Snagmesomeweaves ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:26:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs better said verbally
You- โDid you know that diarrhea is hereditary?โ
They say โnoโ
You-โ it runs in your genesโ
bca327 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:53:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?!?!?!"
jdanger87 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:34:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You need two other people around for this one ( I know thatโs a stretch for some of us). Iโm going to call the friends Kyle and Brian.
Kyle, Brian and I die and are standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter is welcoming us to heaven and says โ welcome to heaven. You can do whatever you like. The only rule is, you canโt kill any ducks. โ So Brian is down by the lake skipping stones, and one pops up and hit a duck and kills it. An angel shows up with a terrible, smelly, disgusting ogre woman and handcuffs him to Brian.
Later Iโm out climbing a tree. I step on a branch and it falls hard towards the ground. It obviously lands on a duck and kills it. Another angel brings an even uglier, more terrible ogre and handcuffs her to me. โYou know the rules man.โ
So Brian and I are walking around super bummed out about our ogres when we run into Kyle. Kyle has the most beautiful woman I have ever seen handcuffed to him. Brian and I scream at him in jealousy โ what the fuck man!?! Howโd you get stuck with such a hot one. The woman replies โ I killed a duck.โ
99Pancakez ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:51:55 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can count the amount of times I've visited Chernobyl on 1 hand... 14
benjgasm ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:32:44 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frogs fingers.
shadoxalon ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 21:38:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never-fail has different definitions to different people. My never-fail joke is one I heard right here on Reddit!
"Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70? Because she always gets a frog caught in her throat at 69!"
Obviously, that joke will fail a LOT. However, it tells you a lot about a person, too! Did they laugh heartily? Chuckle? Have a worried expression? Did it take them a minute? Were they disgusted?
To me, a good joke is like a litmus-test for deeper conversation. Will your way of conveying information mesh with theirs, or is one of you too crass for that kind of talk? Humor says much about a person. It'll never fail to get me information about the person.
sohaibmm7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:02:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it :(( I figure it's an innuendo cuz of 69, but I guess the humour doesn't "mesh" with me or the joke went waay over my head...
shadoxalon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ms. Piggy dates Kermit. Kermit is a frog. She gets to 69, and the frog gets......caught in her throat.
sohaibmm7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ohh, Thanks! Completely missed the reference
ZarathustraV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know, I used to be into S&M, bestiality and necrophelia.
(Wait a beat to see how the audience responds)
Yeah. I grew out of it when I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
hillhippieva ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:57:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they stink.
Jamies_redditAccount ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:39:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite one
hillhippieva ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. As a girl.. I tell it often to my guy friends and laugh the hardest.
iamtheauthor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So underrated. This is great.
FuckChiefs_Raiders ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 20:03:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have had this conversation thousands upon thousands of times.
I have an unusually long last name, 13 letters, literally the length of half the alphabet. Anytime I do anything administrative I have to spell out my last name to somebody.
Them: Last name? Me: Okay, it's really long, xyxyxyxyxyxyxyxyx Them: Wow! you weren't joking. That must have been a tough one growing up. Me: Yeah they thought I was a genius in Kindergarten because I could spell it.
It's not that funny of a joke but get's a laugh every time.
HellWolf1 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:02:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
natureruler ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:02:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well kindergartners aren't exactly known for their ability to spell words correctly. So normally it would be impressive for a kindergartner to spell a 13 letter word correctly. Except what makes it a joke/funny, is that it would be normal/expected for a kindergartner to be able to spell their own name. So being able to spell your own name doesn't mean you're a genius, it just means you're normal.
Note, xyxyxyxyxyxyxyxyx isn't actually their last name, they just used that as an example because they didn't want to give their real last name.
HellWolf1 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:59:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It makes sense for a good story, but it lacks a punchline to be a joke
natureruler ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:18:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey man. I didn't say it was a good joke. I'm not OP. You just said you didn't get it, so I tried to explain it to you to be helpful. You don't have to tell me it's not a joke.
HellWolf1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:20:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, didn't intend to sound hostile
ThisFinnishguy ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 20:12:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My last name has 12. The amount of times I've had to spell/pronounce it has to be in the thousands. Cashiers, teachers, classmates, random people I dont even know who saw my name. Any time it was roll call and there was a pause I knew they'd come to my name and already had my hand up
FuckChiefs_Raiders ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:21:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody who can relate! haha the roll call sitution you explained is so dead on. Once I hear that pause I know it's me and before they even have a chance to butcher my name I will just say here before they finish my name.
Msmadmama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My first name has 5 and I still have to spell and pronounce it to everyone I meet.
adcas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My last name has seven but it's German and it's either 1. mispronounced or 2. Misspelled horribly.
Only one teacher ever pronounced it correctly the first time, and that's because he'd literally just come from the city my family ruled over. (I'm still jealous, I've never been there.)
The_Real_Ivan_Drago ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:54:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
BrakemanBob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is long and hard that a Polish man gives his to wife on their wedding night?
A last name.
bg-j38 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't spell it in kindergarten. They thought I had brain damage.
onemanandhishat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But it is really easy to spell. It's only two letters.
shinypretty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My last name is only 9 letters - Daugherty - and you'd think people could sound it out, but nope. I get Daughtry, Daughtery, Dautrive, Dockerty, all manner of stupid shit.
DirtPiranha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same here, 12 letter long last name. I always say โCame im handy in Kindergarten, once I could spell that, everything else was easyโ
elee0228 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 21:34:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can see why others find it funny. I do have some quibbles with it though: it's not that hard to alternate x and y, and that's 17 letters, not 13.
aRayes ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:52:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your joke was not funny.
Pleased_to_meet_u ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:12:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The -10 score is sad. Have an upvote for trying.
kgxv ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:42:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
meowhahaha ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:31:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesnโt come back? A stick.
Mortimer14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
aaronitallout ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says "sorry" I immediately follow with, "I'm glad you apologized, now we can start to rebuild."
sublimei ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:23:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a really fucked up joke, but it gets a reaction every time:
*pause for perplexed looks
jackalopacabra ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs similar to one I heard in the army and is always my go-to when people try to tell the most awful joke:
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A hard-on
RoachOnATree0116 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a dead baby float?
Scoop of ice cream, scoop of dead baby.
pumpkins033 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:51:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You take your foot off of it's head.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:43:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
nikisux ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:33:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a similar joke to this: so I was flirting with this Jewish girl. Things where going well and she asked for my number but I told her we used names here
themage1028 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:08:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch.
yellowspottedlizard ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 21:19:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents/intense.
Gets a laugh every time.
Frosti-Feet ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why aren't you allowed to run in a campsite?
Because you can only ran, since it's past tents
bbbbs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever had sex while camping?
It's fucking intense
Sirhc0001 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:00:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a quiz is quizzical, what does that make a test?
EKEEFE41 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:08:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone that does not believe in Dog
MonkeyMeex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be an insomniac agnostic dyslexic; I would lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
Megarooo92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
Stays up all night wondering if thereโs really a Dog.
CLearyMcCarthy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:01:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Latvian mothers are do urine shot, brag of sons. First mother is: "my son is soldier people's army of soviet socialist republic Latvia, he rape as many women as he want! For him, life is good."
Second mother is: "no no no! MY SON is polit-buro glorious soviet socialist republic Latvia, he eat as many potato as he want! For him, life is good!"
Mother first and two look to mother third, expecting. Mother third is take urine shot, and say: "my son is dead. For him, struggle over."
All agree, is best son. But also, all are sad.
tjonnyc999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:59:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...
CLearyMcCarthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man of Latvia is walk frigid beach of Baltic sea. Ho??? What is? A lamp! Man rubs and rubs and POOF! Genius! He comes from lamp like an arab's tale!
"I am genius of lamp, you have 3 wish!"
Man of Latvia is so happy! He cries and cries. "Oh is happiest day! I wish potato!" POOF, is potato. Man of Latvia is so happy!
Genius is: "What second wishes?"
Man of Latvia is: "I wish you go away so I eat potato!" Poof. Genius is gone. Man of Latvia is become sad. Could have wished two more potatoes.
Also, was only just a lamp, no genius. No potato. Man of Latvia is soooo hungered.
Vaderesque ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What in the ASS?...
CLearyMcCarthy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:41:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 men of Latvia are do urine shots. Must toast!
First man of Latvia is: "I toast glorious Soviet Socialist Republic Latvia!" Clink glass, all drink, refill.
Second man of Latvia is: "I toast benevolent polit-buro of Glorious Soviet Socialist Republic of Latvia!" Clink glass, all drink, refill.
Third man of Latvia is: "I am not secret soldier!" All men are talk of how terrible Soviet Socialist Republic Latvia.
Oh ho! But surprise! Bartender is secret soldier! Much gulag!
eyesack_ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:59:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
I_like_forks ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:03:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I screw up simple counting and someone notices I'll counter with "I mean, I can't count to yellow, so I don't know what you're expecting of me". Gets them every time.
Miroudias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It smells like purple.
ChelSection ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever my Spanish speaking coworker says something that might not make sense in English she says "whatever, I don't know geography" and it cracks us up
sanfordclark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:28:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lady gives her identical twin sons up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal. One goes to a Spanish family and is named Juan.
Years later, the lady has a new partner and a new life, but she wants to get in touch with her sons. She writes to them both. Juan sends a nice letter and a photo of himself, and the mother is very pleased with this but she laments to her new husband that she hasnโt heard from her second twin. Partner says,
โDonโt worry, love. If youโve seen Juan, youโve seen Amal.โ
AladinsCarpet ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:51:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a bear and a rabbit shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks,
"Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "No"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
-Eddie Murphy
silentfal ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:27:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"There's a bear and a rabbit shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks,
"Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "No"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
-Eddie Murphy"
-Michael Scott
quintyoup ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on all their ships?
So when they return to port, they can scan-de-navy-in
daddioz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:16:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard of Murphy's law? It states that if something bad can happen, then it will happen.
Have you ever heard of Cole's law? It's generally thinly sliced cabbage and carrots with a little bit of mayonnaise.
Deadmanglocking ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Carl dies and is taken to the morgue. In order to ID him the Coroner needs a person that knew him to come verify his identity. So he calls his two best friends, John and Jerry.
He takes John back and ask โso is this Carl?โ
John : โTurn him over and Iโll tell youโ
He thinks itโs weird but rolls him over. John takes a look and says โnope, that ainโt him.โ
So he brings Jerry back and ask the same thing.
Jerry: โ turn him over and Iโll tell you.โ He turns him over and Jerry looks and says โnope.โ
At this point the coroner is confused and asked Jerry โhow could you tell if it was Carl by looking at his back?โ
Jerry says โ easy doc, he only has one asshole. Carl had two.โ
The coroner says โhow could he possibly have two anuses and how would you even know he did?โ
Jerry: โ well, every time we came in town with him people always said โHere come Carl with those two assholes.โโ
Jakesta42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:33:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like steak puns?
I find them to be a rare medium well-done
ytomfs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:35:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do if youโre a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
You stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
SumCunt__ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:37:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap shorts. The doctor comes out and says "well I can clearly see you're nuts"
im_so_woah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and green and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender.
drunken_monkeys ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
shadfc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock? Who's there? Smell mop
LususV ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:40:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When among golfers:
Me: I once shot an 81
Them: Wow! Nice!
Me: ... on the front 9.
[really, I did. I'm not good].
armenian2002 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:40:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer, and a mop.
Rocksteady6425 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:40:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and doesn't work?
Decaf ya racist.
CorgiMechGaming ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:45:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens if you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
f1ounder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Them: R?
Me (in piratey voice): Ye may think it be arghhh, but a pirate loves the sea!
Wilko2010 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:59:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can not afford to keep a pet pelican.
The bills are huge.
LeeHarveySnoswald ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's this penguin right? He decides that it's way too cold at the North Pole, so he's gonna take a road trip down where it's warmer. He starts driving and by the time he's in California his car breaks down. He takes it to a mechanic who tells him he'll take a look, it'll be a minute. The penguin now realises how hot it is outside and goes across the street for an ice cream cone, he eats it on the way back and finds the mechanic looking at his car.
"Looks like you blew a seal"
"Oh no it's just some ice cream."
*wipe your mouth while you deliver the punch line for best results.
darkjedi_23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:07:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving in a car. Suddenly, they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to open the trunk. He checks the trunk and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now!" shouts Schrodinger, irritated. The cop decides to arrest them. Ohm resists.
A1PB ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:10:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a jailor and a jewler?
One sells watches why the other watches cells
genuinely_disturbed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bunch of demonstrators picketing for a time machine were chanting, "What do we want?! A time machine! When do we want it?! It doesn't matter!"
rodman517 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:23:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the ladies love Jesus?
Cause he was hung like this. (Outstretch arms)
XportR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Outstretch arms). Whatโs this?
A helluva way to spend an Easter.
RuntheMonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamn, lol.
isitreal_tho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:27:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is Bruce Lees favourite drink? WATTERRRRRRR
sellingchicken ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are Mario's overalls made out of? Denim, denim, denim.
Debramorgan65 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not hard.
Abramus5250 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:37:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I die, I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa.
Not kicking and screaming like the people in the car he was driving.
Squibboy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:39:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph cuz heโs not a full Ese
yekNoM5555 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:45:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:46:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
poetu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:46:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
guys Iโm upvoting the ones that make me laugh
Zombie_Nietzsche ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:49:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Screw it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."
The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.
As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays with the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.
Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly pees his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And whole tent erupts into fits of laughter at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny, who is red-faced with anger and embarrassment. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on that clown.
As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the him. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!
The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.
INSULT SCHOOL Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor! 'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.
Every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works to achieve his goal. Then his day arrives...
As soon as the circus opens its gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's an angry young man hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.
He sees all the regular attractions, but they hold no pleasure for him anymore. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's now so nervous and excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...
The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited an entire year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. As luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hatred on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks directly at the clown and says...
"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"
bleepbloopzorp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:56:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A florida man wakes up to find a penguin sitting on his front lawn. Confused, the man puts the penguin in his car and drives around wondering what he should do with the penguin. A police officer notices the penguin in the front seat and pulls this man over.
โSir, what are you doing with this penguin in your car?โ. The man says, โIm not really sure what to do with him. I found him on my front lawn this morning.โ The officer replys, โWell youโre going to need to bring him to the zoo.โ The man looks relieved and says, โthank you officer, ill get on that right away.โ
A few hours later the officer pulls this man over again with the penguin still in the car. The officer asks, โWhy didnt you bring the penguin to the zoo like I told you!?โ The man replys, โI did bring him to the zoo! Now were going to the beach!โ
zKingOfClubz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And God said onto John, โcome forth and receive eternal lifeโ, but John came in fifth and won a toaster.
BladeMasta220 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the life guard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out man...
ghostofgenerayburn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:13:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had sex with a guy in a parking garage elevator once. We had fun, but it was wrong on so many levels.
As it turns out, he worked for the coal industry. Yeah, I got busted for having relations with a miner.
After my hearing, I got on the bus for home on Sesame St. At the next stop after I got on, the driver picked up two rather hefty men, both named Patrick, who preferred the Irish diminutive version of their shared name. At the stop after that, he picked up Ross, who attended a nearby school for children with learning disabilities. Next was the town drunk, Mr. Lettucini, who sat down, took off his shoes and socks and started picking at his bunions.
The Port Authority must have missed me, because all the manifest for that day said was "two obese Paddys, special Ross and Lettucini picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus."
Well, I can't say it never fails...And I'm still not allowed within 20 yards of a coal mine.
J-ToThe-R-O-C ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:15:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sarah fall off the swings?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
reyfire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:17:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One needs tweetment the other needs oinkment
a2susan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:24:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Iโve never paid to have a lentil on my face.
herrnewbenmeister ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:25:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lady gets on the train with her infant. A drunk passenger yells, "Hey lady, that's the ugliest baby I've seen in my life!"
The lady goes, "Well I never! Conductor!"
The conductor comes over and throws the drunk off the train. "Madam, I want to say I'm sorry and I hope you know we don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Now, how about to make up for it I go and see if I can't find a banana for your monkey?"
draniac21 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:28:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner
rush42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too easy.
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
AtomicRoberts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:37:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My first time having sex was a lot like my first football match. I was sweaty and bruised afterwards but at least my dad came.
CreekyBones ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do all Norwegian ships have barcodes on them?
So they can Scandinavian!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Mexican use to cut paper?
Little Caesars.
hey-there-reddit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:43:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
LIL_SHINY ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โAn Irishman walks out of a barโ
apt63 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
Bricks
mortalwombat- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? Rough.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy goes in for a physical and the doctor says, "you should probably stop masturbating." The guy says "really... why would I need to stop masturbating?"
Doctor says "cuz I'm trying to give you a fuckin' physical here, man."
mwason ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 afraid of 7 ... because 7 8 9!
DBAinBama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's also
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 is A BIG SCARY MONSTER!!
Tomato_Joker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:21:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make holy water?
Take regular water and boil the hell out of it.
adelgirl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this probably won't be seen, but I always have to share this joke when I can.
Sherlock and John Watson go camping in the forest. They set up a tent, start a fire, then a little while later they head to bed. A couple hours later Sherlock wakes up and looks around. He then proceeds to wake John up.
When John wakes up Sherlock says ,"John, look up and tell me what you see". John does as Sherlock asked and said, "I see millions of stars". Sherlock then says, "and what can you deduce from that?"
"Well", John replies, "If there are millions of stars, there could also be millions of planets. If space is constantly expanding, meaning that more and more planets and stars are being created, it is possible that at least one of those planets is like Earth. Sherlock looks at John for a couple seconds then says, "No Watson you idiot. I means somone stole out tent."
Picklebeer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Boudreaux sends Thibodeaux to buy a bull. He goes to Montana and finds a perfect bull, so he heads to the telegram station to let Boudreaux know to come pick it up. The station operator tells him itโs gonna be 25 cents per word. Thibodeaux only has 25 cents on him, so he tells the operator to write โcomfortableโ
The operator looked at him puzzlingly and said โcomfortable?โ
Thibodeaux tells him that Boudreaux canโt read well, so heโs gonna see it and say com-for-te-ble (come for the bull in a Cajun accent)
King_BenjaminU ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:35:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator... At least one person always laughs and thatโs all I need!
JodieFostersFist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:35:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"To"
"To who?"
*Raises eyebrows and lifts index finger*
"To whom."
ThePokeTesla ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm on a sea food diet. When I see food I eat it
iordseyton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:50:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fidel Castro passes away and finds himself at the pearly gates. So he strides past the Myriad of souls awaiting judgment, and tells St Peter
"I'm so glad to be finally be here, mind sending things up to my villa?" Drops his bags and wanders into heaven Confused, St Peter does a double take, then consults his list. When it dawns on him who just went in, he chuckles and slams his book shut. With that, rhe clouds open up around Castro feet, sending him crashing straight down towards hell.
When he arives, the Satan himself is there to greet him. With a warm smile, he puts his arm around Castro shoulder and says "Castro, what a pleasure, I've waited so long to finally meet you, I have the finest Villa for you, but first, let me give you a tour of my domain!" He snaps hit fingers and two demonic porters appear to take his bags, only to discover he had left them in heaven. Satan sends them up to retrieve the luggage, and they set off on the grand tour of hell.
When the demons arive at the pearly gates, they of course find them barred. Not wanting to dissapoint their unholy master, they start climbing the walls to retrieve the lost baggage.
A Couple of angels spot them climbing and one says to the other, "Jesus! he's Only been down there for an hour, and we're already getting refugees!"
drew1111 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:55:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Hathloday ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:01:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
Erekai ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:03:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs behind a motorboat?
Skip
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole?
Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pond?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves?
Russell
Chiefesoteric ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front doorstep?
Matt
Erekai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:18:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah! I knew I was forgetting one!
Daeyel1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:18:13 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
Stu.
rw552 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
beat
Because if it had 4, itโd be a chicken sedan.
mr_wowtrousers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:09:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's pink and slippery?
PINK SLIPPERS!!
You have to say the first bit salaciously and the second bit with joyful naivete.
themostfakenews ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:11:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs these two windmills standing in a field. One says to the other โwhat kind of music are you into?โ The other replies โIโm a big metal fanโ
mrnoobdude ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:12:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know there are more crashed planes in the ocean then there is submarines in the sky?
designguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:14:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the constipated Mathematician do?
He worked it out with a pencil
Jish1472 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:43:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have I told you that one about Orion's Belt? Well, it's a waist of space. Nevermind, this joke is only three stars anyway.
Drackir ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:50:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two women are riding their bikes around town. The first one hasn't ridden on this road before and turns to her friend and remarks.
"Ive never come this way before, it's lovely!"
To which the other replies "Yes, it's the cobblestones"
(if it fails it general means my Jones are not suitable for them!)
Captain_Kuhl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a guy walks into a bar, and he sits down at the counter next to a burly gentleman in a suit. The suited fellow takes a shot, yells, "I can't take this anymore!" and jumps out the third-story window. The guy walks over to the window, but there's nothing down on the sidewalk.
As he turns back to the counter, he sees the same burly gentleman sit down and order another shot. As he returns to his seat, baffled, the gentleman slams another shot, yells, "I can't take this anymore!" and jumps through the same window.
Shocked and confused, the guy notices the same gentleman once again walk through the door and order a shot. He tells the bartender, "I'll take whatever he's drinking," swallows the shot, and then jumps out the window. He falls three stories to his death.
The bartender turns to the gentleman and says, "Jeez, Superman, you're a mean drunk."
HephaestusClangBang ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:33:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bus full of catholic school girls driven by a nun crashes off a bridge and into the river drowning them all. As they get to the Pearly Gates a man appears before them:
"Hello I'm St. Peter. I'm sorry you're all dead, so we'll make this quick and get you into heaven. The trick is you need to purify yourself before you enter so please line up."
The nun is first in line so St Peter asks her "Sister, have you ever touch the genitals of a man?"
The nun gasps "Why never I'm married to God and the Church."
St. Peter says "Alright I believe you, please enter."
The first girl, Sarah, approached and St. Peter asks her the same question. Sarah turns red and giggles "Well just with my finger."
St Peter goes into his desk and pulls out a basin with water and says to her "Sarah dip your finger in here and be purified". She dips her finger and enters the gates.
The next girl comes up and St Peter asks her the same question. She turns red and says "well I used my whole hand". So she dips her whole hand in and enters the gates.
Suddenly there's a loud commotion towards the end of the line as a girl storms to the front.
St Peter says "what's with all this commotion? Why are you skipping ahead?"
The girl looks him in the eye and says "If I have to gargle that shit I want to do it before Brittany sticks her ass in it"
Alexmcd55 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:35:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 men die and are sent to heaven where they meet God at the gates.
God asks "How did you all die?"
The first guy responds "Well, I left for work that morning and I had the strangest feeling that my wife was cheating on me. So whipped the car around, went back to our apartment, and found her naked with some mens cloths on the floor that were not mine. I searched all over the damn house but I couldn't find anyone else. I became so infuriated that I threw ny fridge out the window, which caused me to have a heart attack and die."
Then second guy responds "Well now it makes sense. I was walking down to the pharmacy and out of nowhere, this big ass fridge lands on me."
The third guy responds "I was in the fucking fridge..."
sonrad10 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:52:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and says "Book."
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book."
So she give a chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but comes back again an hour later.
"Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she is curious as to how the chicken is reading the books so fast. She decides that next time the chicken comes in, she'll follow it and find out what is going on.
An hour later, the chicken walks in and says "Book-book-book-book".
So the librarian gives the chicken four books and quietly follows the chicken out of the library. The chicken crosses the road, goes down the alley, out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and sat there, on the edge of the swamp, is a bull frog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit...Reddit..."
Stookey41 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:56:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Grandfather tells this joke very often, never fails to make me chuckle.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
unique up on it.
DerConsul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:57:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(this is the one that stuck with me from a previous thread. So kudos to whoever came up with it!)
One dark, rainy night President Trump is returning from a campaign rally at a small, backwater town in his limousine, when all of a sudden there is a loud "BANG" and the vehicle stops.
He sends his driver out to investigate, who presently returns, declaring "Sir, it seems we've hit a farm sow and it's bleeding out." Donald gazes at the dimly, flickering lights of the nearby homestead and reluctantly bids his driver to go, give the peasants a knock and explain the situation. After all these are decent God-fearing Americans, whose every vote he relies on, if he wants to get re-elected. After sending out a tweet, Donald realises that 20 minutes have past and his driver hasn't returned. The minutes turn to an hour and Donald is getting visibly frustrated. He repeatedly shouts at the satellite stream of Fox and friends, to no avail.
Finally, after 2 hours the limo door is swung open and his driver, with an expression of exaltation, takes a seat next to him. His shirt ripped to shreds, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and puffing on a Cuban cigar, he puts his arm around Donald. Taken aback, by his driver's insolence, Trump asks: "what the hell happened to YOU?!"
In a slurred and confused voice the driver says: "I really don't know... when I explained what happened out here, the farmer's wife started hugging me and proceeded to dish up their most exquisite foods, her husband got out their finest bottle of scotch, a-a-and to top everything off, their daughter made wild love to me. Then the farmer send me on my way with this cigar.
Flabbergasted, Trump looks at his driver and asks: "what on earth, exactly did you tell them?"
"I said, I am the driver of president Donald Trump and I have killed the pig!"
Bertylicious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:57:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate people that make sweeping generalisations.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:04:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I decided to spend and evening with my grandad the other day. There was a soccer game Germany-Austria, I wanted to watch it and told my grandad if heโs ok with it, he said yeah all fine , and asks me whoโs playing, I say โGermany-Austriaโ he replies โAgainst who?โ
TastyBurger0127 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:05:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
ScreamingPict ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:06:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
sorrikkai7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:06:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He got the no-bell prize
shignett1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:14:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend Kevin was over at my house the other day, and we were stood in the garden chatting and having a beer. I went to the bathroom and when I got back I saw he had picked up a shovel and started digging a hole and filling it up with the hose. I asked him what the fuck he was doing and he told me he was trying to dig one of those big holes with water in it. Bless him, he means well.
JamJarre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:15:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and invisible?
hold out your hand
This cababge
I say "never fail" because it never fails to make me laugh. Nobody else likes it though
himmelman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:23:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A father and mother since they arenโt having enough sex decide that tonight at the dinner table the wife will excuse herself and go to their bedroom. Then the father will tell the kids heโs going to check up on her so they can have a quickie. So, in the middle of the meal the mom says sheโs not feeling well and she canโt finish her meal. The father says โsure, why donโt you go to your room , Iโll be right in to check on you โ. The mother goes to her room and the dad follows after a few minutes. So the kids are sitting there waiting for dad to come back. After 10 minutes the eldest says heโs going to go take a peek. He comes back and tells the others: โQuick, finish your food otherwise Dad will fuck youโ.
3sp00py5me ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:23:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most optimistic drink container
A CAN
dcx666 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:28:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
kangaroos can jump higher then a residential house because of their strong hind legs and the fact that homes cannot jump.
mortalbug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the man that drowned in his Muesli?
He got pulled in by a strong currant...
amfuro ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:31:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do the Polish keep their armies? In their little sleevies of course.
One of my favorites told to me by a resident at the nursing home I used to work at.
btowntkd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:47:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
Someone will probably guess "Arrrrr."
Respond in a ridiculous pirate accent: matey, you think it be arr, but it be the Sea!
Bonus points if you hold your hand up in a fake hook shape while you do it.
Elitedevil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:47:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try pewdiepie
sumyth90 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:58:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day big Benny went ship sailing alone to the far reaches of the Atlantic.
At night, a big storm sets him off course and he ends up in an unknown remote island.
Benny encounters a local tribe with everyone having big beards. Now these guys are savages, but they worship beards and start worshiping Benny owning to his huge beard.
Days go by in Benny's new divine life until he gets urges to shave off his beard as it starts to get irritating.
The local tribesmen advise him against it warning him of great dangers that await him should he wish to shave off his beard.
Unable to go on, Benny ignores their warnings and decides to shave his beard. And thus, Benny seated at the tribal commonplace starts shaving his beard with a knife.
As soon as the last hair is chopped off, a large storm comes out off nowhere and as it passes away only a vase remains in Benny's place.
It is then the tribal people mutter to themselves the age-old saying that has guided generations "A benny shaved is a benny urned"
SuzLouA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:04:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and not there? No tomatoes.
thsabalala1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:04:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this is sort-of racist but OP never said you cant say it...
How does every black joke start?
With a look over your shoulder.
jager_mcjagerface ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:13:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My first language is not english, so sorry in advance for any spelling mistakes or anything
The heroinist goes fishing. After awhile he catches a gold fish, who says to him "Hey addict, let me go, and ill grant you a wish!". The addict thinks a bit and says "Alright, you know what? i let you go, but first lets shoot one!". And so they shoot one up, and he lets the fish go. The very next day the addict goes fishing again, and again he catches the very same gold fish. The fish says just like the day before: "Hey addict, let me go, and i grant you a wish!". The addict thinks about it and says "Alright, you know what? i let you go, but first lets shoot one!". And they do so, and after the heroin, he lets the fish go. The very next day, the addict goees fishing once again, but before he couls catch anythin, the gold fish comes up to him and says "Hey, addict you wanna shoot one?"
HairyTurtles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:15:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how some birds fly in a V shape when immigrating, right? But do you know why the other side of the V is always longer than the other? Well, it has more birds.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:20:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the retards house. Knock knock whos there? The chicken
Brown_note11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:30:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No matter how kind your children are, German children are kinder.
Th3_Com3dian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:43:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three nuns are waiting to get into heaven. Before they can enter the gates, they must correctly answer a question from Saint Peter.
The first nun steps up and Saint Peter asks, "Who was the first man on the planet?" The nun responds, " Oh, that's an easy one, Adam!" Ding ding ding, you are correct!
The second nun steps up and Saint Peter asks, "Who was the first woman on the planet?" "That's an easy one as well, Eve!" Responds the nun. Ding ding ding, correct you may enter!
The final nun steps up and Saint Peter asks, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks down for a second and says, "Damn, that's a hard one.." Ding ding ding, correct you may enter!
AustinTxTeacher ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:53:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the happy Roman? He was gladiator!
SpyderFoode ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:00:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar, wearing a belt with a ship wheel for a buckle the bartender says, โwow, thatโs a cool belt buckle!โ
The pirate says โYarr, itโs drivin me nutsโ
Evil_Garen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This has to be told in context when discussing, ehem, eating ass. There is usually one guy in the group who goes on about how he would never toss salad. This is where you swoop in to save the day.
โYou donโt eat ass?โ- you โNo. Never!โ - target โHave you ever eaten pussy drunk?โ- you โWell, yeah...โ- target
โThen youโve eaten ass......โ
questionable2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:14:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A rabbi and a priest are participating in shared sunday school classes. The school building catches fire and is going fast. The priest and the rabbi run for the door. The priest shouts "what about the children!!" The rabbi yells, "Fuck the children!" Then the priest yells back, "Do we have time??"
pairsy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:16:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two monkeys get in the bath, one says to the other
โOoh ooh ooh ahh ahh,โ
โPut some cold in thenโ.
killgo_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:19:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Internet_Senastion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke to about 10 people after you said it
Montanadisc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:44:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you fucking racist.
MattProducer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll drive. You man the guns."
Dynasty2201 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:30:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
Not sure? Remind me to never ask you to post something for me.
merlthedog944 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:35:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
pokeboy626 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:20:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have two of em'
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!" -
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. -
sockfullofshit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:45:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Swedish navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So they can Scandinavian.
frag95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear caught in the rain? ...a drizzly bear...
Iโll see myself out
UrMine2Todd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
datkidfrombk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:17:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man goes to his Doctor
Doctor: I have bad news and even worse news
Man: what's the bad news?
Doctor: Your test results came in, you only have 24 hours to live.
Man: that horrible! how can it get worse??
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
thaomen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:31:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A letter to an Agony Aunt column:
Dear Dierdre,
I walked into my bathroom the other day and out of the window I noticed my neighbor's 21 year old daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. I took my chance to take in the sight and before I knew it I had my trousers around my ankles and was masturbating to her. I was very careful to make sure she couldn't see me. I was near climax when I heard a slight noise behind me, and when I looked my wife was standing right there with a strange look on her face, arms folded and staring intensely as she watched me masturbating to the neighbour's daughter.
Is my wife a pervert?
Animal-Kingdom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:37:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did the mathematician deal with his constipation?
He worked it out with pencil and paper.
llewkeller ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:42:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a musician's joke I heard during an interview of a famous musician, but I can't recall who.
The definition of "Perfect Pitch" - when you throw an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the rim, and it lands on a banjo.
tobiasj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:56:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man on his porch sees a boy was coming up the road with a roll of chicken wire. The old man yells down " son, what are you planning on doing with all that chicken wire"? "I'm gonna go catch me some chickens!" the boy replies. "Damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" the old man shouts, but sure enough later that evening the boy walks by with a dozen chickens caught in the chicken wire. The next day, the old man sees the boy walking up the road with a roll of duct tape. "Whatcha doin with that roll if duct tape" he yells. "Well", the boy replies, " I'm gonna use it to catch me some ducks". The old man, bent over with laughter, says to the boy,"you idiot! you can't catch ducks with duct tape"! But sure enough later that evening the boy is walking home with a dozen ducks all wound up in the duct tape. The next day, the boy comes walking up the road, carrying an armful of pussy Willow. The old man looks down at the boy and shouts "wait up while I get my coat"!
MooMod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:03:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to his therapist complaining that he's not getting enough sleep because he keeps having crazy dreams.
"One night I dream that I'm a Wigwam, and the next night I dream that I am a Tipi!"
The therapist just looks at him and says "Relax, you're two tents"
tusig1243 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:27:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
One you can find for around a dollar, the other can be found under a buck.
octotterpus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:13:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is lost in the woods for several days, hungry and tired. One day, he stumbles across a large, ancient, stereotypical Chinese tower. Relieved, the man knocks on the door, and waits. An ancient Chinese man answers the door and looks up at the man. The man says "Sir, I've been lost in the woods for many days, please let me come in, regain my bearings and I'll leave in the morning, no trouble!" to which the Ancient Chinese man says "My daughter and I have lived here in this tower together for many years and have helped many lost travellers. You may stay the night, however if you touch my daughter in any way, I will inflict upon you the three worst ancient Chinese tortures that I know". The man agree's enthusiastically, thinking the daughter must be nearly as old as the man, and enters the tower.
At dinner, the traveler is shocked to see a stunningly gorgeous 18 year old Chinese woman come down the stairs and join the old man and the traveler at the table. All throughout dinner the daughter flirts and jokes with the traveler, who remains distant and closed off under the watchful eye of the old man.
Later that night, the daughter joins the traveler in his bedroom and they make passionate love, and the daughter leaves, the old man none the wiser.
In the morning, the traveler awakens with a gigantic pressure on his chest. He looks around himself and see's a large rock on his chest.
On the rock is a sign stating "Ancient Chinese Torture #1: Large Rock on Chest." Chuckling, the man lifts the rock off his chest, carries it to the window and tosses it out.
On the windowsill, is a second sign, "Ancient Chinese Torture #2: Large Rock Tied to Right Testicle."
Panicked, the man jumps out the window, and on the way down he reads a sign on the ground saying, "Ancient Chinese Torture #3: Left Testicle tied to bedframe.
JesteroftheApocalyps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:39 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy crap that joke is way too long.
Lummine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:21:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam... BOO!
capri1722 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:28:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I remember in middle school I had a friend who would tell brick jokes, which are a lot of fun but take literally hours to tell. First you say:
Then wait an hour or two, or longer, and tell a โdifferentโ joke:
Your audience will say, โThe ring!!โ and thatโs when you chime in with, โNo, the donut!!โ
mrmattohyeah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Rorschach only paint pictures of naked men?
FizzBuzzBanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why?
mrmattohyeah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
:D
themagicbench ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:17:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a cat and a semicolon?
One's a pause at the end of a clause, and the other has claws at the ends of its paws.
JEWeston ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:38 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a dyslexic atheist insomniac do?
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
BizaRhythm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:19:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
xterraguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:28:28 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Out in the forest, a bear and a rabbit both stop to take a shit in the same area. Making small talk, the bear asks the rabbit, โ do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?โ Rabbit replies, โno, canโt say as I do.โ So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
196212007f ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:56:52 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, I think we fucked this joke up."
mandal110 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:10:09 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high... she looked surprised.
JesteroftheApocalyps ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:43:15 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
[In your best Irish accent ] Because one more it'd be too farty.
Mywifestits1127 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:57:26 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"9/11"
"'9/11' who?"
"...you said you'd never forget"
Iceforsale ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:17:51 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My father is a road worker. Every one said that he is a thief. Naturally,i didnt believe them. But when i went home, i saw all the signs.
Lachie_Kenno ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:41:04 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: why did the chicken cross the road
You: why
Me: to get the retards house
Me: knock knock
You: whoโs there
Me: the chicken
Slabbo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:38 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At the hospital a man is in his hospital bed when the doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Smith, I have good news and bad news."
Mr. Smith replies, "What's the bad news?"
The doctor replies, "You have cancer."
Mr. Smith then asks, "Well what's the good news?"
To which the doctor replies, "See that nurse over there? I fucked her!"
corbie157 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:34:31 on April 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elephino (hell if I know)
cubs_070816 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:37:13 on May 4, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a farmer enters his bedroom, carrying a sheep under his arm. his wife is lying in bed, reading.
"honey," says the farmer, "i can't lie anymore. this is the pig i've been fucking on the side.
"that's not a pig, you idiot," responds his wife. "That's a sheep."
"i wasn't talking to you."
mtb_21 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:40:52 on May 5, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did 0 say to 8?
"Nice belt"
JohnMihaljevic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:14:39 on May 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A college student goes away on spring break, and asks his little brother to watch his cat for him while he's away.
On his second day out of town, he calls home, and the little brother answers. He asks, "How's my cat?" The little brother says, "Your cat's dead." The big brother says, "WHAT???" The little brother says, "Yeah, your cat's dead. Got hit by a car."
The big brother says, "You can't just drop news like that on someone! You have to ease someone into that. Like, today, you could have said something like, the cat's on the roof and we can't get her down. Then the next time I called, you could have said something like, the cat jumped down, but got hurt pretty badly. She's at the vet. Then the next time I called, you could have said the cat didn't make it. You have to break news like this gently!" The little brother said, "Okay, I get it."
The big brother says, "I don't even wanna talk to you anymore. Put mom on the phone." The little brother pauses and says, "Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down."
panicpandabear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:45:55 on June 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and asks: โDoes this taste funny to you?โ
Pm_meyourfunbagz ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 20:15:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen
What does her Asian friend call her? Irene
Dexaan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:04:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does she work? IHOP.
Burnsun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
who is her lawyer? peggy sue
89sydthekyd89 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:14:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cemetery.... people are dying to get in there.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
your-imaginaryfriend ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:59:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't the people living in this town be buried there?
Because they're still alive!
kindafuckingawsome ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Dad.
Mortimer14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many dead people are buried in that cemetary.
All of them.
Putins_Orange_Cock ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 21:32:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do spinach and butt sex have in common? If either one is forced on you as a child it's less likely you'll enjoy them as an adult.
daxter154 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:59:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women dress in white on their wedding day.
Because all good kitchen appliances come in white.
silentfal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:17:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove
[deleted] ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 23:59:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, they can't change anything.
I often do not receive laughs, but I keep saying it for some reason.
ceetc ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:03:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke to my feminist boss, the executive director of a domestic violence center. Her response was laughter and "oh it is so true."
battle_boo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you don't get a down vote for persistence.
raiderash ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:45:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The highest upvoted joke shall get reposted on r/jokes.
NeverBob ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:29:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Along with all of the rest.
Tangle-Free ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve been in jail for 5 minutes and already been raped 3 tines.
I hate playing monopoly with my dad
emwimbush ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:04:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i lost my drink in scotland
where did my glasgow?
TheIrateGlaswegian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Vanished into thin Ayr. It's your Luss. You may have to Portree more.
[edit: I Wishaw Scottish town puns weren't as Wick as these ones. Don't worry, that's me Dun. Dee.]
SkeletonDude199 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:45:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do black people have nightmares?
The last one with dreams got shot.
Kill me now.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
trench_welfare ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:42:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The effectiveness of this jokes dies a little bit each year. Literally.
Hanzilol ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:16:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.
surgeonette ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:27:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
qwerty11111122 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 20:59:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
because 7 was a registered six offender
tambourine-time ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oooh thats a good one
MandyAlice ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:12:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's a really scary movie and her friend Blossom wasn't there to watch it with her
MikesPhone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did seven eat nine? Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
InShortSight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, 7 8 9 and 10 was next.
WhaleWhaleWhale- ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:33:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
'A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
'I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
'Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
'Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
'Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
'Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
'Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
'Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
'Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'.
Then he died.
allsix ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:42:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says 'Hey dad can I have 20 bucks?'
'10 bucks?! What do you need 5 bucks for?!'
callmeacne ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:12:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[NSFW]
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her unborn child have in common?
They both think "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 21:18:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever Iโm speaking with someone and they canโt hear me and answer with, โwhat?โ.... I always answer with, โI said homosexuals are hard of hearing.โ
jaybeerskau ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:13:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer; "Suckin dick will make you go deaf".
MySuperLove ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 20:12:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What do a pizza guy and a gynecologist have in common?"
"They both get to smell the goods, but neither gets a taste"
oldvan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:31:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wrong on both counts.
bpyle ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:12:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you spell Canada?
C-eh-N-eh-D-eh
Burnsun ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:47:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
sorry
elimeno_p ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:28:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL redditors donโt know a lot of good jokes
DiploMaFF ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:54:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This thread feels like a bunch of moms got together to sip coffee and tell horrible jokes
monowedge ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:15:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Insert two friends as required)
'Me, Donald Trump, and u/Globymike were walking down the road when The Donald spots a donkey with its head caught in a fence. He immediately runs down to it, takes off his pants and starts fucking it in the ass! He's really going to town on this donkey, until finally he roars and flexes his name as he's apparently busted a nut. I'm standing there both disgusted and dumb-founded, when The Donald turns to Globymike and says, "okay, your turn". So Globymike runs on down there and sticks his head in the fence'
LocalHero457 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 21:45:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:34:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the most nonsense code ive read in a while
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:55:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why has this been downvoted?
Paddywhacker ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:13:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's either:
Not considered funny.
Or
It makes no sense to anyone who reads it
LocalHero457 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:51:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go To Statement Considered Unfunny
_open ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:09:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Software dev here. It's just not funny.
Kamagamaga ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:50:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpaโs was:
A family of tomatoes are going for a walk and the little one keeps falling behind, so the father finally went back to him, hit him on the top of the head and said โKetchup!โ
TattedUp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:09:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is from pulp fiction
claytonejones ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:31:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That joke is older than Pulp Fiction.
Kamagamaga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Told me well before pulp fiction, was a farmer who only watched what he got on the antenna, and probably would be too far removed from anyone who would watch movies like that.
RS177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Was a man who disregarded the word "I," too.
Kamagamaga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What?
RS177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Was a farmer..."
Kamagamaga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Okay. Wasnโt sure what you meant, thanks for the lesson.
RS177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Np. Have a nice afternoon.
midway868 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:36:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everybody knows that the Titanic sunk on its voyage to New York City, but after stopping in New York City it was scheduled to stop down at a port in Mexico.
Why? Well, when the Europeans first came to Mexico, they brought with them mayonnaise, and when the Mexicans tried it, they all fell in love with it. Unfortunately, mayonnaise was completely unavailable in Central America at the time, and even in the 1900s it was still hard to get a hold of. So the Europeans and Mexicans made a deal and decided that the Europeans would ship hundreds of gallons of mayonnaise on the Titanic to give to Mexico.
As we all know, the Titanic sunk far before it got to Mexico, so the Europeans had to tell the Mexicans the bad news. Once they found out, the Mexicans were extremely saddened over the fact that they wouldn't be able to get the shipment, so they created a holiday to honor both the Titanic's sinking and the fallen mayonnaise: Cinco de Mayo.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:59:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the seagull fly over the sea?...
Because if he flew over the bay, heโd be a bagel.
TexasWithADollarsign ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:56:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What was the pirate movie rated?
A: PG-13 for crude humor, violence and sensuality.
KodakKid3 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:11:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead
That is my best joke
imnotgoats ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:21:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neon, Xenon and Argon walk into a bar.
The barman yells, 'Get the hell out! We don't serve noble gases in here!'
They don't react.
xoxo_gossipgirl_ ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:07:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky??
A stick!
sharrrp ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:08:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrup--
MOOOOOO!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:12:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed my ass of when my 5yr old told me the first time. It's very direct
Myopiniondontcount ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:07:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted (a salted)
_____The__Dood_____ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:20:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you call the 7 dwarves when they get horny?? 7up
spicy-meatball-sub ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a knock knock joke but somebodies gonna have to start me off
fatyoungtreesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
spicy-meatball-sub ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:54:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come in
Illhunt_yougather ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?...... Because if the fell forward, they would be falling into the boat!
walt02cl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lonely cake?
DESSERTED!
NiatoYume ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the toilet paper when it crossed the street?
It got stuck in a crack.
funkytownmagic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the tomato blushing?
funkytownmagic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:49:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Because it saw the salad dressing
IzerFied ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel stuck to his junk.
The bartender says, โmy god man, there is a steering wheel stuck to your junkโ.
The pirate replies โARRRRR and itโs driving me nuts!โ
TDiddlez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/f-lu4E246AI
tacosfalafels ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:57:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why are penguin so popular online?
because they have web feet!
the awkward laughter never disappoints
Alunidaje ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:57:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? . . . . a stick
Koshkee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:57:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the noodle say to the tomato?
Donโt get saucy with me!
isaacides ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:58:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
EmilysButt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:58:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the president keep his armies?
In his sleeve-ies.
Vaultaire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:00:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get hanging from apple trees?
Sore arms.
Ghost-Of-Nappa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:00:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels
BigDaddyBaconXL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:00:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that isnt yours? The majority have heard it as nacho cheese and respond as such. You then follow up with oh... thats no gouda!
blackhippy92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time do you go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty
rainor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:13:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pencil and eraser are going through marriage counseling. The pencil says to the psychiatrist "I don't know what it is about eraser thats tearing us apart. I guess she just rubs me the wrong way."
Spartain104 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:19:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A Labracadabrador
thong_song ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:25:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do squirrels swim on their backs? So they donโt get their nuts wet.
EXO_JR42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:45:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โKnock knock.โ
โWhoโs there?โ
โDoctor.โ
โDoctor Who?โ
I get hit for this one. Totally worth it.
Mforsb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they both sit down and starts knocking back pints. Eventually the giraffe falls over drunk and the man gets up from the bar and starts walking out. The bartender yells โOi, you canโt leave that Lying there!โ The man replies โitโs not a lion itโs a giraffe.โ
crazycatlady45 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide all these dead bodies!
HoRRoRxCoZmiC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:57:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
hatdude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:00:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life and self deprecating humor
Ramiel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a minister and a Rabi are out playing golf and trying to decide how much to give to charity. The priest says "I know. We'll draw a big circle on the ground, throw all our money into the air and whatever lands inside the circle we give to charity". The minister says "No no no we'll draw a big circle on the ground, throw our money into the air and whatever lands outside the circle we give to charity". The Rabi then speaks up and says "No no we'll draw a big circle on the ground, throw all our money into the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Carnivalhalla ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:13:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Approved by Jonny5.
ignis389 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:11:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
<ignis' life story>
Anakorhil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt the T-Rex clap his hands?
Because heโs dead.
mrjackthegreat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with three legs?
"Lean beef"
What do you call a cow with no legs?
"Ground beef"
What do you call a cow with two legs?
"What?"
Your mom
TheStinkyRebel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock - who's there? Smell mop - smell mop who? Eww
Kanobe24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican say when his house fell on him? Get off me homes!
BlackberriesinSummer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:13:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says โhey! Do you know how to drive this thing?โ
blacklung990 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:13:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be BAY-GULLS.
notamug6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:15:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cucumber blush? It saw the salad dressing.
skittlescruff11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:15:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi hungry I'm dad...
n0bel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexican's who just drove into a river?
Quatro cinco.
mattytone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
robertosnow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went in the holiday of a lifetime the other day.
Tell you what, never again.
pleuvia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Norway have barcodes on the sides of its ships?
So they can scan the Navy in.
aged_monkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You never fail if you never try.
DonQuixoteReference ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
silverthane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 canibbals are eating a clown and one asks the other "hey, did this taste funny to you?"
booradly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theres two fish in a tank, one fish looks to the other and says "hey do you know how to drive this thing?"
MrFaceButNotHerDads ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a BMW?
The prick is outside the hedgehog.
corxxsey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Oneโs really heavy and the otherโs a little lighter
suite-dee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Captain_Comic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
Swampfoot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When a healthcare worker asks if I'm allergic to anything, I always answer, "hard work."
PepparoniPony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhat are you allergic to- besides work!โ All of his jokes were very anti-work, which is not always something you want in a healthcare professional.
JuicyK1017Squad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks.
dirtywhiterice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a dyslexic atheist man say?
There is no dog.
Alta_Hippo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Badum tssss...
Jetfox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
ThouShallType ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's purposefully terrible;
'Knock Knock.' 'Who's there?' 'Doctor.' 'Doctor Who?' 'Exactly'.
Everyone I know gets this joke repeated to them multiple times
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
mcstanky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Disc golf joke:
How do you spot the stoners on the course? They're always hitting trees! (proceeds to throw into a tree)
Cepha_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron asks how much money it owes, the bartender says, "For you, no charge"
Spider_Riviera ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
No potatoes!
(I'm Irish and this is one of my all time favourites)
JulianoIsLame ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow I'll be able to grind /r/Jokes karma for months!
Peedal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop dogg have an umbrella?
For Drizzle.
DiscountWavebird ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
ralfaroni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any time there's a sentence that ends with a word that has a suffix of -er, I repeat it as a question, and then say "hardly knew 'er!"
itsmecyndy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
CyanideHeart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life
SteamAngel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to catch fog once. I mist.
CyborgHighlander ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:47:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here we go. This is a long one.
A chicken is walking through a field. It comes across a horse stuck in a mudhole. For our purposes both horse and chicken possess the magical ability to communicate.
Chicken; Hello Horse.
Horse; Hello chicken. I'm stuck.
Chicken; Want I should go get the farmer?
Horse; No need to. Go to the barn, and he keeps the keys in his corvette. Get the car and some rope and pull me out.
And it is done.
A few days later the horse is walking through the field, and he sees the chicken. This time the chicken is stuck in the same mudhole.
Horse; Chicken.
Chicken; Horse. Think you could go get the rope and Corvette?
Horse; No need to.
The horse straddles the mudhole and allows his giant horse dong to hang down. The chicken grabs on, and the horse drags them both to land.
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Corvette to pick up chicks.
IWannaSayMason ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.
GingerBeast81 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make the queen on a nickel smile? Turn her over and rub her beaver.
-spookydooky- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If there were more mosquito nets in africa, we could save millions and millions of mosquitoes from dying unnecessarily from AIDS
Annulled-Hypothesis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? โNo eye-deer (no idea). What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? โStill no-eye-deer. What do you call a castrated deer with no eyes and no legs? โStill no-fucking-eye-deer.
SwashbucklingWeasels ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about deaf people...
germaly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I sure hope you know how to drive this thing."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
tehzephyrsong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Eightieth.
FrankDrakman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A travelling salesman has a very beautiful wife, so he buys her a German Shepherd to keep her safe while he's on the road. The wife liked to do her housework nude but the first time she tries that with the dog, the dog starts to mount her every time she turns her back to him. After slapping the dog away a couple of times, she decides she has to talk to a vet.
At the vet's office, the woman awkwardly describes the problem. "Dr., is there anything you can do?". The vet thinks for a moment, and says "We can neuter him".
"How do you do that?" the woman asks, and the vet replies "We cut off his testicles. It makes him less aggressive and it will eliminate his sex drive. "
"Oh" says the woman "That seems a bit drastic. Is there anything less severe that you can do?".
"I don't think so" says the vet "what did you have in mind?".
"Well" says the woman "Could you trim his nails and do something about his breath?".
Lornemalvo666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
hockey21012 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs ET short for?
Little legs
Phyber05 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, and never has five letters?
Fun_Sized_Momo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, guess I know what to expect on r/jokes for the next week.
jasoncj121 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You always do. It's already on there.
slohdown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat mop
Obzzeh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of co-ordination?
Haaaaaannnnnnnnddddd eeeeyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hegemonee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bartender says โHEY! No time travelers in here!โ
A time traveler walks into a bar.
SolZaul ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
AggressiveTaxPayer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a pretty young girl working the register at a grocery store. A young man walks up to the counter with some frozen meals and pre-made food.
The girl says, "I can tell you're single" He asks how, and she replies "Because you're ugly"
mrnagrom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the zen master say to the hotdog vendor.
Make me one with everything.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad bot
hatecopter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel on the front of his pants. Bartender says to him "hey buddy you know you've got a steering wheel on your pants?" The pirate says "I know it's driving me nuts."
inkslave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
nucca98 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
chickenwing95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife walked in on me having sex with an optical illusion.
I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
Username_Taken_3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you mix an eliphant and a rhino?
El if I know
jpsi_reddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why did the shopping cart quit itโs job?
A: It was tired of getting pushed around
RoRoChabra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
The4thgorgon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman who trades sex for spaghetti? A pastatute
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I found this in a book called "plato and a platypus walk into a bar: explaining philosophical concepts through jokes". Honestly one of the best books I have ever read.
Anyways, Joke as follows: Four rabbi are talking together in a field about theology. This is a common activity for them, and usually winds up three rabbi arguing with one of them. One day, the rabbi that disagrees with the others turned to the sky and asked for validation from God. Thunder boomed. He smiled and turned to the others. "See? I'm right". The other three rabbi shake their heads and say it's just a coincidence. The odd one out turns to the sky and says, "Oh God! Give me a better sign!" This time clouds condense and lightning strikes a tree. 4 birds fly out of the tree, on fire, and fly over the heads of the rabbi and then inexplicably extinguish. The rabbi begins dancing around the field in delight. The other rabbi are still adamant that he is wrong. "It's not definite, and we are right!". The now exasperated rabbi turns to the sky, and says "Oh merciful lord-" and the sky booms, "HE'S RIGHT!!!!!". The rabbi turns to the others and asks them to deny the word of God. "Well, it's still two against three!" is the response he receives.
Gold_Jacobson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where was the bear when the lights turned off?
In the dark.
GorgeousNeez ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's a little heavy and one's a little lighter.
The_first_thing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Do you know how ducks fly in a "V" formation? Other Person: Yea.... Me; You ever wonder why one side is longer than the other? Other Person: huh, uh no? Me: Because.... That side has more ducks on it!
Amirifiz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
amperages ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is this one:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/55gonm/my_favorite_joke_everyone_knows_dave/
DropShadow13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
H4C1M ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Hispanic magician says he will vanish on the count of three. Uno, Dos... and he left without a tree. Always gets laughs.
Windwakerboat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually have 2.
There's 3 guys standing around a pile of bricks and decide to see who can throw a brick the highest. They can't see how high they go so they decide to see how deep they go into the mud when they land.
The first guy picks up a brick and throws it up, it lands and goes about a foot into the mud.
The second guys like, psh I can beat that, so he picks up a brick and winds up and throws it and when it lands or goes about three feet into the mud.
The third guys like, nah I got this. He throws his brick and it doesn't come down.
So the next joke goes like this: A woman is visiting her mother in the other side of the country and wants to bring her parrot but the only flight she can find is a no smoking and no parrots flight.
The woman thinks she can get away with it so she stuffs the parrot in her coat and gets on the flight.
After the plane gets to cruising altitude, the pilot, smoking a big cigar, comes out and walks down the isle talking to the passengers.
He passes by the woman and hears a squawk and says, "what was that?" The woman says "nothing" quickly but the parrot squawks again and the pilot rips her coat open and and says "YOU CANT HAVE A PARROT ON HERE" and throws the parrot out the window. The woman rips the cigar out of the pilots mouth saying "WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS EITHER" and throws the cigar out the window.
The woman, grumbling, goes back to her seat and the pilot, grumbling, goes back to the cockpit and hears a knock.
He hears it again and looks out the window and sees the parrot and you know what he has in his mouth?
The brick.
HatRoll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Neoploean keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
blacksourcream ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt a pirate remember the alphabet?
Because they get lost at C!
VaanVoid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I walked into my sisterโs room and tripped on her bra... It was a booby trap.
AlucardNoir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking up out of his breeches. The bartender points out "You know you have a ship's wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Yaaarrrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!!"
bubbagrubbs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sad hat?
A somber-ero
whereyouwalkin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Scuba Divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat.
SabotPetals ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
namey___mcnameface ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Losing my virginity was a lot like playing in my first football game. I was pretty sore afterward but at least my dad came.
ApisTeana ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh!
ibbzzy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean
sl1ce_of_l1fe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do bricks and obese White women have in common?
Eventually theyโre both getting laid by a Mexican.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock!
Whoโs there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting co-
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
rhyknophoto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?
You only need one nail to hang the picture
t0f0b0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joker: What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a pot of glue?
Jokee: I don't know.
Joker: You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna! ๐
Jokee: Hey, what about the pot of glue?
Joker: I thought you'd get stuck on that. ๐
Edit: autocorrect error
f1del1us ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stuck not sick
t0f0b0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. Autocorrect error. Hehe
slaws404 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I never pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
EthanTheFabulous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
DontLaughItAintFunny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
ThrowSteve ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T. short for? Because he has little legs.
Ok, but what does E.T. stand for? The national anthem.
MadBliss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A penguin is taking a cross-country road trip and his AC starts blowing hot in the middle of Arizona. He pulls over at the first small town he sees and finds a garage. The mechanic says he'll take a look, but it will be a while so the penguin goes across the street to the general store.
He tells them that he needs some relief from the heat, being a penguin and all. He asks to hang out in the cooler and the manager obliges. Well, when he walks in, it's like a mirage - it's deliciously cold, and right in front of him is a whole freezer full of vanilla ice cream. His absolute favorite treat. He eats his fill, pays the manager on the way out, and heads to the shop.
The mechanic meets him at the door and the penguin asks "Well, how does it look?" Mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and says "Oh no, this is just vanilla ice cream."
Creepamoeba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ants never get sick?
Because they have tiny antibodies.
sam1amm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
HAYYYYYY
Stigmata_tears ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss
sophietully ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Oneโs a crusty bus station And the other is a busty crustacean
Bgiunto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI went to the zoo yesterday, and the only animal there was a dog
It was a shitzuโ
Hyperterran ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A peanut went down a dark alley. It was a salted.
Wetfred ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dreamed of mufflers all night. Woke up exhausted. Went camping last week. It was intense.
misterbonger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What can we conclude from the fact that the last ice age began on the northern shoes of Scotland? A:. God likes His Scotch on the rocks.
IamAlso_u_grahvity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you have if youโve got a small, green ball in one hand and another small, green ball in your other hand?
Kermit the frogโs FULL attention.
KurrFox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is walking his dog along the shoreline when he comes across a woman with no legs and no arms sitting off to the side and enjoying the sound of the waves.
As he approaches he politely greets her and she strikes up the nerve to ask him a question.
โDo you mind giving me a hug, I have never been hugged before.โ
The man, feeling sorry for her leans in and hugs her for a brief moment.
Overcome with joy, she tears up and manages a thank you.
The following day the woman and man meet again.
โDo you mind giving me a kiss, Iโve never been kissed before.โ
The man feeling reluctant at first is overcome with guilt and leans in for a kiss.
Again he gets the same response followed by a heartfelt thank you.
The following day the man and woman meet again. She turns a shade of red as he gets close, leans in and asks,
โWould you mind fucking me? Iโve never been fucked before.โ
The man who is clearly annoyed at this point lifts the woman right up off the sand and chucks her full on into the ocean as he yells,
โWell youโre fucked now!โ
Willaguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Cause they're really good at it.
josborn94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tits a lot.
1stLtObvious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:36:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't call them never fail but:
1) Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but I don't know how they got in there.
2) Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They both hold stiffs, only one's cumming and one's going.
beaver1602 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:36:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Misfits does it take to screw in a lightbulb..... Jerry Only
Kookiekrumb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:36:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?
Oneโs a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
That one never fails to get a laugh
MnyWrmtlPdftPrngs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:38:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a dirty bus stop?
One is a busty crustacean and the other is crusty bus station.
AngelFMS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:38:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSH
FreakinSodie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? "We are both lawyers."
Cykaski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree? They usually say well no. That's when you say that's because they're good at it. I prob butchered that joke.
Ancient_Saber ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the bear happy and sad all the time? He was a bi-polar bear.
Hundred00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat?
Haayyyyyy
b3lkin1n ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do pirates eat? Aaarbeees.
sevnthcrow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.... ba-dum-tss
pholkhero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Farscape29 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
diuleilm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
Kitteneaters ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:43:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a server in the food industry. When ever people ask for more time to order I go " I'm a waiter, not a rusher!". It takes a solid delivery tho. I learned it overhearing another server choke on it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How come a nose can never be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
dave_gormen_3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "I'll be right with you". While he is waiting, the guy hears this soft voice "yo, buddy nice tie". He looks around but there is no one near him. After another minute he hears another voice (speak in different voice) .."Hey pal, I really like your hat". Again he looks around and sees no one near him and starts to think he is going crazy. A few moments later, a third voice says "hey there, you have a nice chin.. ". The guy can't take it anymore and calls "BARTENDER". As the bartender comes over, the guy says... I think I am going crazy but I I keep hearing these voice telling me how I look good. The bartender says "oh don't worry, it's the peanuts....... they're complimentary"
Perago_Wex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Pretty much universal appreciation
glimmeringtesticles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
Turtleisbob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Farting on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
citation_x11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the general do with his armies?
He put them in his "sleevies".
My go to after 12 years since I first heard it in college.
Lazerknees ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a story I tell about the time I asked my wife how many men she had slept with before we got married. She said 89. I was flabbergasted but I tried not to show it becuase I'm a progressive fellow and won't judge folks for human behaviour. Years later I can't hold the anguish in any longer and bring it up to her. And she exclaims, "89!?! I said 8 or 9 you idiot!"
True story and it usually gets a good laugh.
Also my wife doesn't know I tell this particular story so please be cool yall.
AngelicMud ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:50:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs long, hard and has cum in it?
A cuCUMber
britishwonder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I didn't peanut butter my dick up your mom's ass.
TiSpork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
notchent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross and atheist with a dyslexic? Someone who doesn't believe in dogs.
haveagrapeday29 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get an elephant on the subway?
You take the S out of "sub" and the F out of "way".
angstyloser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is no fโn way
Shane4541 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:55:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A German fellow goes to an American bar. โIโll have two martinis please.โ
Bartender: Dry?
German: No. Two.
Go_Ninja_Go_Ninja_Go ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:55:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Mexican train robber?
He had loco motives!
theFaceCat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:57:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
sensualcephalopod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:57:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm Japanese and German, so I was basically on the wrong side of the war.
LegalizeHeroine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:57:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese-grater?
Thatโs the most violent book Iโve ever read.
himynamesgod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:58:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
jahzhanz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i don't usually tell Dad jokes but when i do he laughs.
RudigherJones ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows!
PsystrikeSmash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIโm gonna teach you how to get laidโ
CaliHornet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the grape say when he was stepped on?
Nothing. Just let out a little w(h)ine.
CowCatcher9000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Myself
Celery_Duff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Norway put barcodes on all of their military ships?
So they can Scandinavian.
awesomeliam9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
rofl
CLearyMcCarthy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is more of a bit than a joke. I was at work ome day looking at a clock when Mitch Hedberg briefly returned from the realm of death and channeled himself through me (please read it in his voice):
"People often tell me that a broken clock id right twice a day. That is incorrect. What if the clock is broken because the hands fell off? That is a clock that is never right. The answer to the question 'what's the time?' Will never be 'it's nothing:30.' "
stro_bot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are babies so fragile?
Theyโre only made with one screw!
canexan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:06:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Nai_Sora ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did 20 do when he was hungry?
28
Thebareassbear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender says "how'd you do that"
Agent641 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a clock store holding his favorite clock,
Don't worry, it's not a dirty joke
And he says to the man behind the counter "I have a problem with my clock. It used to go 'Tick, Tock' but now it only goes 'Tick, Tick, Tick'"
And the man behind the counter says in heavy german accent "Leave it with me, and I'll see what I can do."
The man takes the clock into the back room, sets it down on a cold steel table, sits down across from it, glares at it, shines a bright light in its face and says slowly in heavy german accent "You know, vee have vays of making you TOCK!"
lettucemanatee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:09:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you silence an Italian? Handcuff them. (Deliver with lots of hand gestures)
Whoscruffylooking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:09:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no legs or arms on the floor? Mat
ArcanianArcher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?
None.
cloud9ineteen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two antennas got married. The ceremony was nothing to write home about but the reception was excellent.
not_so_1337 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a chicken coop with four doors?
A chicken sedan.
lookunder_thebed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because theyโre really good at it.
springer5150 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. -Who's there? To. -To who? No, it's to whom.
BarnMcDanger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and chick pea?
I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.
ocullen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm, she said she didn't want to bother me while I was at work.
awat1100 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Dale Ernhart and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
freakitikitiki ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the suspenders say to the pants?
Whatโs up, britches?!
Also:
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!
supersaiyan3trump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the supplies one (I slow)
TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Instead of โsurprise!โ he yells โsupplies!โ cuz thatโs where he keeps them.
supersaiyan3trump ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:28:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh lol okay! I woulda got it hopefully if I actually heard it like that (if not prob need to check self in)
Carnivalhalla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a budwiser and a mop.
Hanzilol ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
You don't, he wont come to you anyway.
rush42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Take my upvote. Lol too easy.
Hattrick_Swayze2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After a long night of drinking, a pirate walks into a bar with the wheel of his ship inexplicably sticking out of his pants. The bartender says to him โOy, mate, youโve got a steering wheel attached to your cock!โ To which the pirate replies โARR ITS DRIVIN ME NUTS!โ
FunnyMemeName ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:16:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know, after an attempted mugging a few years ago I started carried around a small knife.
Now Iโm much more successful.
vegetablesaretasty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:17:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If the queen had balls sheโd be the king.
TheMolecularChef ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hate jokes about German sausages.
Theyโre the wurst.
badfan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every english teacher loves this, but it is the worlds most annoying joke:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
It's actually to whom
BuzzJr1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo mama
greentreesplease ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old lady fall into the well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
Shaggy9273 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan!
xantander ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
InterruptingCow__Moo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think my name makes it pretty obvious...
Kunning-Druger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:28:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
MOOOOOO!!!!
InterruptingCow__Moo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy gets it.
Omny87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's least favorite color?
Maroon
thatgirlfromdownhome ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man approaches. As he runs by, he opens his coat and flashes the ladies. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third one couldnโt reach.
PaperPhoneBox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man stops in to visit his friend who owns a bar. The bartender looks exhausted and the man asks why. The bartender explains that business is booming because all the workers at the factory down the road come in after work, and while that's great, they are a handful .
The man asks why and the bartender says they are all deaf and they use sign language to order. He explains they motion like they are raising a mug for beer and they motion with two fingers like they are holding a shot for whiskey. It's exhausting to follow because they love to drink.
Seeing him so tired , the man convinces his friend to let him cover for him and the bartender can sleep in the back room. The exhausted bartender finally gives in and heads to bed, but makes the man promise to cut the crowd off and don't serve drinks past midnight.
The man agrees and waits for the crowd. The workers start coming in and ordering drinks in sign as expected and things are going well. The night goes on and the bar is packed, drinks are flowing and there are no issues.
The man notices midnight is approaching but since all is well, he continues serving drinks to the crowd.
At about 1:30 AM he notices a worker waving his arms and moving his fingers in a new way. Across the room another does the same. Quickly table after table follows and workers are standing on chairs all silently flailing their arms.
The man panics and yells for help to his sleeping friend. The bartender sleepily rubs his eyes as he comes from the back room, and sees the crowd all waving their arms in unison. He turns to the man and yells...
Fuck! Now that you let them start singing, we'll never get them out of here!
JaimieL0L ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This only works because Iโm short. But when meeting new people I try to bring up height in some way, which leads to: โOh, how tall are you?โ โI donโt know, because the measuring tape is on the top shelfโ
Itโs so dumb, but it always gets a laugh
SlimeWizard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:21:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats a pirates favorite letter?
(they always say R)
immediately (and in a pirate voice) NOO ITS THE C!!
yourfriendfats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:21:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club
DoctorDM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:21:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin looks at the second and says "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?"
The second muffin turns to the first and screams "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN."
PizzaPartify ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:23:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about pedophiles but they respect speed limits around school zones.
kingfriday15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs black and at the top of the stairs?
Christopher Reeves after a house fire.
BertoVox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the life guard save the hippy?
Cuz he was too faaaar outttt mannnn
aintsuperstitious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last weekend, I decided to wake up my wife with some oral sex. You know what she said? "Hock hat."
fuggynog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
dam.
Rownus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two penguins walk into a bar, the third one ducks! bah-dum-chi
cpu5555 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:28:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The phrase โthatโs what she said.โ
joeleegee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast enlargements?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
satyricool ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:31:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you circumcise a priest? By kicking the altar boy in the jaw.
pizzabeagle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:32:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm relieved I haven't found anyone trying to tell "the aristocrats"
Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrup--- MOOOOOOO.
my niece loves it and she makes me laugh whenever she laughs.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three tampons are walking down the sidewalk
What do they say to one another?
A: Nothing, theyโre all stuck up cunts.
Pisohigh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
AverageScruffy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Mr. Pirate, why is there a ship's steering wheel on your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrgh, they be drivin' me nuts!"
BrianSketch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my slaves like I like my coffee.
Free.
s3c7i0ns3v3n ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd tell you a joke about paper, but it's terrible.
cmusch15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know if thereโs a marine in the room
Theyโll tell you
yankees7o7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey bby is your name Homer? Because you Odyssey deez nutz
alien_survivor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I screw up some simple math in front of someone (or screw up anything really) I tell them "Heck, I was always gooder at english anyways"
whowantstobeking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates favourite letter? (inb4 everyone you tell this to says "Arrrrrr?")
Aye you'd think it be Arr!... but a pirate's true love is the C!
SquatchOut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender says "hey pirate, you know you have a steering wheel on your pants?". The pirate says "yarrr, it's been drivin' me nuts all day!"
ShuffleAlliance ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A black lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks if they have some beef. The butcher replies: "No Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
suchsweetnothing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt dinosaurs talk?
Because theyโre dead.
It makes my husband laugh, at least.
BaschRozon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
abridgeman88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican who ran out of protein powder? No whey Josรฉ! (This joke works especially well at college parties where there's always protein powder in someone's kitchen)
ohheythatguychuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:45:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bartender says โwe donโt serve time travelersโ
....
...
....
A time traveler walks into a bar
hominyhominy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
Iโve never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.
drilln-shockem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar.
Ouch!
Lone_Wolf_Shadow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This man walked into a bar and saw a money jar on the bar counter, and a donkey in the corner. "What's with this donkey?" The bartender replied "Do you see that money jar? If you can make him laugh, you can have it all. The man took the donkey into the bathroom and came out a couple of minutes later with the donkey laughing, so he took the jar of money and left. He came in a week later and the money jar was on the counter, and the donkey was in the corner again. "What's the deal with the money this time?" The bartender replied "If you can make him cry, you get to take this money jar home." Thean took the donkey into the bathroom for a couple of minutes, came out, and the donkey was crying. The man grabbed the money jar and headed for the door, the bartender said "Wait just a minute, how did you get that donkey to laugh and cry?" The man replied "To make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, to make him cry I showed it to him!"
AtikVonStatic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his family check into a hotel. The man talks to the desk clerk and sternly says "The porn better be disabled!"
The desk clerk looks back at him and says "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."
shartmonger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, hippies screw in Volkswagens.
redcar57 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saving this thread. For times Iโm in dad mode.
realbaresoles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An ice cream truck driver finished up serving kids on a street and pulled away. As he drove he saw a blonde woman in yoga pants running after the truck. He wasnโt allowed to stop so kept going but the woman kept running right after the truck.
The driver stopped three streets away ... and sure enough the first person to the service window was the blonde woman in the yoga pants. The driver laughed and said, โsorry I couldnโt stop, man you must REALLY want some ice cream.โ The woman said, โoh NOOOOO, Iโm a strict vegan. I really just wanted to tell you that.โ
Donutsareagirlsbff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is long and detail orientated but my god do I love it! I'm Australian but you can tailor it to suit your nationality. I tell it a little different every time based on my audience.
So a mate of mine, Trent, was driving to Lorne the other day. He's loves supporting farmers so he keeps an eye out for signs on the side of the road, last year he bought back the biggest cherries I'd ever seen. Absolutely beautiful.
Anyway, he sees a sign, "talking dog for sale" and he laughs, someone's having a joke, probably an old carnie trying to give one last swindle. He keeps driving but 10k's down the road he can't get the sign out of his head so he thinks 'fuck it' and turns around.
He arrives at the property and down the end of the dirt driveway is your typical under loved farm house, roof faded, weatherboards peeling, you know the kind right. He's wondering if this was such a good idea as he approaches the door, what if they're a serial killer, but he's come this far so he knocks.
A man comes to the door, your typical farmer, mildly unfriendly, unbothered by his appearance, permanent tan, drawn face - you know what I'm talking about. So my mate greets him and the guy just nods and is eyeing him suspiciously. To move things along Trent just gets straight to the point so he can get out of there.
"Sorry man, I saw the sign out the front. I feel kind of silly, talking dog? I have to admit, you got me and here I am" The farmer twigs and nods curtly, "Yeah he's round the back in the kennels, two dogs down - Red kelpie, see for yourself". Confused by the guys reaction my mate is mildly wary about going around the back but there's no fencing so he figures if this guy comes at him he can book it. So he thanks him and heads around.
He counts his way down the row and sees the kelpie, its chained to its kennel unlike the rest of the dogs so he feels a bit sad for it. He stands in front of the dog and it looks up at him with those eyes that confuse you - you know kelpies, they're bloody smart, too smart really. Couldn't own one myself, they need a strong trainer to keep them in line.
So he feels a bit silly but he say g'day to it, half expecting the farmer to come our roaring laughing at him. To his surprise the dog replies, "hey mate" clear as a bell. He's floored. It's an actual talking dog. Fucking weirded out too. He gets himself together and the dog waits patiently slowly wagging its tail. "Sorry I just, I didn't expect - How often do you meet a talking dog you know?" The dog seems to smile and responds again, "yeah I get it, no worries at all" now it's clear, if it wasn't before, that this is really happening and not a ruse so Trent asks him, as you would- "Sorry I gotta ask, how is this possible? I didn't think dogs could have the vocal chords to talk". The dog still wagging its tail replies;
"I don't know man, I could talk before I could bark. It's a bit of a miracle ay. When word got around I was recruited by the army, they took me on tours. I sat behind enemy lines, I was the perfect spy, nobody expects a dog to be able to report back. I got commendations for my work. Eventually I got a bit older, couldn't keep up with all the moving so I joined a circus. That was pretty fun, people never really believed it was really me though. I figured I could do more with my life, give back a little you know so I got a gig with the make a wish foundation, easily the most fulfilling job I had. You wouldn't believe how many kids ask for a talking dog, mostly the little ones who aren't old enough to seperate fantasy from reality. It takes a toll on you though, all those sick kids. When I got to ten I had to give it up, you get to a point where your heart can't take hearing another child had succumbed to their cancer. So I retired here. I settled down, had some pups and I help keep the cattle in line in exchange for boarding. I've had a good life but the owners fallen on hard times so I don't want to lean on his generosity anymore, it wouldn't be right".
Trent was floored. Absolutely flabbergasted. He immediately excused himself and went back round to the front of the house where the farmer was waiting picking dirt from beneath his finger nails. "The talking dog, how much?" The farmer looked up at him like it was the most boring interaction he'd ever had. "$5-" "Five Dollars? Are you serious? For that talking dog? Red kelpie, two down from the end??" He couldn't believe it. "The dog that's been in the army, circus, and make a wish foundation?"
The farmer looked confused at Trent like he was a lunatic. Then with a sudden wash of realisation he replied,
"Oh mate, he's a bloody liar. He's never done any of that shit".
hotpoopchunks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:52:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out, man.
Clwolfe16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:53:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After he finishes, the bartender asks him if he would like another. The man pulls out a small photo from his wallet, looks at it for a moment and says yes. This goes on for awhile and after about 5 or 6 drinks, the bartender asks him if he would like another and the man looks at the photo once more and says yes. The bartender looks at him and says "alright sir, I'll serve you another drink on the condition that you tell me what that photo's of". The man leans back and looks at him with a soft gaze, and says "well sir. The photo is of my wife. I like to keep it with me when I drink so I know when to quit". The bartender slides him his drink and says she must be a very wonderful woman to influence you to stick to your limits. "Nope. I just know it's time to go home when she starts lookin good".
Hold_onto_yer_butts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed
"Eso sรญ que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.
Homemade_Millionare ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale!
onetonne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:55:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes 'oooo, oooooo'? A cow with no lips.
CaptainMadislak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I don't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth
KenzoEngineer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
npmorgann ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did sushi box "A" say to sushi box "B"?
Wasabi! (Wassup, B?)
OriginSparhawk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:57:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man in a trench coat flashes three old nuns on a bench.
First nun has a stroke.
Second nun has a stroke.
Third nun couldnโt reach.
misskansast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:57:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh! Look, donut seeds!
KBlake1982 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just saw Trailer Park Boys live on their tour two nights ago and this joke was a part of the skit ๐คฃ
misskansast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:04:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really?! Iโve been telling that joke on all my first dates. Maybe thatโs why Iโm still single ๐ง
KBlake1982 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke isn't bad! I just think it's funny I've never heard it until 2 nights ago and it's twice in 2 days ๐
misterhappy88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:57:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes are walking through a forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first says "these look like deer tracks." The second blonde looks at the tracks and says "No dummy, these are bear tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
dfslkjbnltalrvlxdguh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
frakking_you ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does every racist joke begin?
looks cautiously around the room
Jaxel_MS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A secret service agent was on his first day on the job when an assassin ran up the the president with a gun. So the agent quickly screams โMickey Mouse!โ The assassin is confused for long enough for another gent to tackle him. Later on, the agentโs superior asked him why he screamed โmickey mouseโ. The agent says โI got nervous, I meant to yell โDonald, duck!โโ
BachelorUno ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:01:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
larrieuxa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i saw this one on this sub not to long ago but i have told it a few times since then and people seem to like it.
three old ladies are sitting on a park bench together when suddenly a strange man walks up and whips out his dick.
the first old lady had a stroke.
the second old lady also had a stroke.
the third one tried, but she couldn't reach.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This coffee is like making love in a boat.
Fucking close to water.
Fricknfrack00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ducks have feathers on their tails? To cover their butt quacks. Told to me by my 7 year old.
HardlightCereal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two irishmen once had two very similar horses. The two men were very good friends, but they kept mixing the steeds up. One day, one of them got fed up with the confusion, and he shaved his horse's tail off. A week later, the other one got its tail caught in a tree, and all the hair came out.
They were more than a bit worried the horses were haunted, so they decided to try something else. The other irishman cut a little notch out of his horse's ear. The following night, a wolf got into the stable and bit the other horse's ear in the same place before the irishmen could stop it. Once again, the horses were identical.
In a fit of rage, they went out and bought a tape measure, and spent the next half hour measuring every part of their horse's bodies. Eventually, they found a difference: the black horse's left rear leg was half an inch longer than the white one.
SloppySauce0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:03:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snow balls
fookajew ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:03:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly this dick in your ass
hitlerssidebitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What did the Deaf, blind, paraplegic kid get for Christmas?" .....
"Cancer."
SlothHawkOfficial ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
hehe cries
FeqMxA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A penguin is driving down the street and eating an ice cream cone. Suddenly he hits a HUGE pothole! His tire pops and he smashes the cone all over his face. Luckily there's a service station on the next block. As he pulls in the auto mechanic says 'It looks like you blew a seal!' The penguin says 'I swear it's only ice cream!!!'
Dusk-1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the shy pebble say?
"I wish I was a little bolder."
JoeyRW ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a tattoo of a woman on my arm. Her head is near the top of my shoulder and her legs start about mid-bicep where my arm clearly becomes more hairy. If someone asks to see the tattoo, I almost always appologize for her unshaven legs.
Jelly_Bin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You'll see! You'll all see!"
said the eager optometrist.
jimijesus69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Mexican kick his wife off the cliff? Tequila(said like to kill her)
vitium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:17:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who was this Rorschach guy, and why did he draw so many naked pictures of my mom?
MyaheeMyastone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both love a tight seal
hitlerssidebitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What did the Deaf, blind, paraplegic kid get for Christmas?" .....
"Cancer."
Anyna-Meatall ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Willnotholdoor4Hodor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
SuperDavegasm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nasty go-to: Whatโs green and smells like pork?
Kermitโs finger
Clean go-to:
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
fuckswithyourhead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:25:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?
A guy who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
hackrunner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't elephants like playing poker in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs...
Substitute board games for the younger and/or non-gambling crowd
Thanks Kate! I've gotten way more mileage out of this one than any person really should.
freetrash707 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deaf guy: Knock knock Guy: Who's there? Deaf guy: Guy: Who's there? Deaf guy:
SoberPhilistine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke.
chiefkeif717 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cow say when his boy left for school?
Bi-Son
Salted_Shrimp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind old man walks into a lesbian bar, he sits at a table with a pint of beer and declares he is now going to tell a blonde joke. the lady sitting to the right of him says "just letting you know, im blonde, the bartender is blonde, the lady to your left is blonde and shes a weight lifter, and the bouncer is also blonde"
the blind old man - "oh, never mind then"
lady to the right - "don't wanna get you ass kicked do ya?"
blind old man - "no, i just dont feel like explaining it 4 times"
nroose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men were playing golf.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man.
They are at a tee and the hole has a hill down to a water hazard with the green on the other side.
Moses gets up. Hits the ball high into the air. It lands on the hill and rolls down. When it gets to the water, the water parts, the ball rolls all the way to the green, a few feet away from the hole.
Jesus says "Nice shot, Moses!"
Moses says "Thanks, Jesus!"
Jesus gets up. He hits the ball high into the air. It lands on the hill. Rolls across the top of the water on to the green and stops a few feet from Moses' ball.
Moses says "Nice Shot Jesus!"
Jesus says "Thanks, Moses!"
(Using hand gestures and speaking faster and louder so that the audience doesn't figure it out first) The old man gets up. He hits the ball and it rolls down the hill. A squirrel runs out and grabs the ball. An eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel and flies up. A bolt of lightning strikes the eagle and squirrel! CRACK!!! The ball drops right into the hole.
Jesus says "Nice shot dad!"
Trimmpercent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:40:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock-knock
Who'd there
Tuba
Tuba who?
Tuba Toothpaste
I made that up when I was six. I'm still proud of it.
darkspur5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean?
I've never had a garbonzo bean on my face
hojosmojo69xs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:42:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes in long & hard and comes out all soft and sticky?
A stick of Big Red gum you sick minded pervert!
uh_lee_sha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:50:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
APlayOnwards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the life guard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out.
Simple but pretty funny.
cantreadcantwrite17 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:54:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the zoo with only a dog in it?
...
It was a shih tzu.
Red_Devil_bastard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man and his grandson are on the porch and the old man is drinking some scotch. The grandson asks for a drink and the old man says "can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you can't have any, you're not old enough".
Next day, the old man is smoking a cigar and the boy asks for a puff. The old man says "can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy says no "Then you're not old enough".
The next day the boy walks out on the porch with some of grandmas cookies and the old man ask if he can have one. The boy replys "can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man smirking replies yes. Then the boys says "Well then go fuck yourself cuz grandma made these for me!"
NonprofessionalUrl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me : Did you know that the Energizer bunny was arrested??
You: lol no what for?
Me: he was charged with battery.๐
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left.
LittleRedHorse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and says, โOuch.โ
bentoboxs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My personal favorite is from โcatch me if you canโ never fails to have the desired effect https://youtu.be/Yn38I0Y-zqg
emilyllewellyn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a demon call its favorite human?
Its prized possession
Juzstanley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A tiger walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he's having. The tiger responds, "I'll have a ... ....... ........ ........... Jack and Coke, please." The bartender raises an eyebrow and says, "Okay.. but what's with the big pause?" The tiger shrugged, looked at his hands and said, "I dunno, I was just born with 'em."
stanleytheyak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Liam is at his local pub, having a pint. The barman says, โLiam, you look down lad. Whatโs with ye?โ
Liam says, โFor years I worked with my hands and built bridges. Bridges that increased trade and commerce, brought people together. But do you think once anyone ever thought to call me โLiam the Bridge Builderโ? Nay.โ
โWhen I finished building bridges, I used these same hands to build doors. Doors to keep our homes safe. Doors for churches, so we could worship our Lord in peace. Do you think once anyone ever thought to call me โLiam the Door Makerโ? Nay.โ
โBut you fuck one goat...โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"One day I told my nephew I'd take him to Disneyland. But instead of Disneyland, I drove to an old burned down building. "Oh no" I said, "Disneyland burned down!" He cried and cried, but deep down I think he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
mellew518 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You say, "okay I've got a knock knock joke but you have to start it." The other person says "knock knock" and then you just stare.
littlemantry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:06:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in college a fellow student started his presentation with this joke (the whole class said knock knock and he said who's there and then just stared at us) and I was the only person that laughed, like that stupid loud honking laugh and couldn't stop and it remains simultaneously one of my most embarassing moments but also it's the funniest joke I've heard so I can't be mad
alamomonk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar. Says, "I need a beer and a mop."
chinesefriedrice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A group of Native Americans are standing outside a restaurant, having an intense discussion. One of the waiters notices and goes out to ask them if they'd be interested in any of the dinner specials.
The discussion ends, and the leader comes up to the waiter and says, "We have reservations."
And the whole group goes in.
xfactor04 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm naked and hiding inside a refrigerator..."
KrullTheWarriorKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that can't.
Also, Did you know Pavlov had great, soft hair? You know how? Classical conditioning.
0ddstuff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hobo spots a beautiful young woman on an overpass over a ravine and walks over, asks her what she's doing standing there. She replies that her boyfriend has dumped her and that she was about to jump to her death.
The hobo says: "Why not forget about jumping and have sex with me instead?"
She replies: "Get away from me you sicko!"
Hobo: "That's alright. I'll go wait at the bottom."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup...
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(It helps when your audience tops out at around 7 years old.)
perrin77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:06:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta hand it to blind hookers.
Tidus4713 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
Recon718 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the last thing you want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
โIโm not Willie Nelsonโ
SmirkyTrick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tell friends I finally got a girlfriend and raise my hand, friends go "NICE!" and gives me a high five. I tell them "Don't slap my girlfriend!"
OrderOfMagnitude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Saudi Arabia?
A map
tomparker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dog walks up to a bar and says, โGot any work for a plumber?โ
A drunk at the bar perks up and says, โHoly shit! A talking dog! Hey, Dog, you should join a circus!โ
And the dog says, โWhy the fuck would a circus need a plumber?โ
OrderOfMagnitude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are kleptomaniacs the worst people to tell jokes to?
They always take everything literally.
catlady93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common?
The same middle name.
Kaysachs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do two tampons say to one another when they meet on the street?
Nothing. Theyโre both stuck up cunts.
Divineglory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
(Followed by)
Wanna hear another cat joke?
Jus' kitten!
Sandpaper_Pants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There once was a man named Dave Who found a dead whore in his cave, He said with a grunt It's mighty cold cunt, But think of the money I'll save!
unmercifulmedic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were being cooked in an oven. One muffin turns and says to the otherโ Muffin 1: โwheewwww! Itโs hot in here!โ Muffin 2: โahhhhh!!! A talking muffin!!!!โ
Kitropacer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walked into a club
graciepaint4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:10:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a stearing wheel on his crotch. The bartender says that looks uncomfortable. The pirate responds "arr it's driving me nuts!"
B1naryBeard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:10:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TIL the anti-jokes in the comments make me laugh more than the real jokes. Hmmm.
NobilisUltima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:10:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoesies?
(In a sing-song voice) With little knotsies!
Follow-up: And where does Hitler put his armies? (ideally waving your arms a bit to exaggerate childishness, and imply "in his sleevies")
Poland.
nepheelim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two comedians are walking down the street. One of them is Dane cook.
And the other one is also shit.
wecado ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:11:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got all these hos . . . . . . . But no garden
AuntJemimas97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Mexican kid who failed English?
The teacher asked him to turn in his รฉse but he ainโt no snitch.
ImNotRitaPoon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Friend told me this a while ago:
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One? Or two? One....or two....
itzcarwynn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a story about a man who drank a lot, his wife said if you ever come home drunk again Iโm going to leave you. So that night he went out to the pub and drank a lot and threw up all over himself. And said to his friend โif I go home like this my wife will leave meโ. His friend said โIโll tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw up over you, put a ยฃ20 note in the inside jacket pocket and say the man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.โ He comes home and his wife starts to get angry and he says โNo, no, no, somebody threw up over me and gave me ยฃ20 for the cleaning bill.โ She said โwhy have you got 2 ยฃ20 notes in your hand?โ He said โoh the other one is from the man who shat in my pantsโ
WolfgangWobz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god I canโt stop laughing
Hypnoticbrick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? - Where is my tractor?
ElVille55 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a man is washing his car with his son, when the boy says "Dad, can't we use a sponge?"
kamikaze2112 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:18:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man. In the ad she states that she wants a man that won't run away from her, hit her, and can sexually satisfy her.
A few days later theres a rather loud knock at her door, which she opens to find a man who has no arms or legs.
The man looks up at her and says "I'm here in regards to your ad. As you can see, I have no arms so I'll never hit you. I also have no legs, so I'll never run away from you either."
The woman looks at him and says "Well how do I know you can satisfy me?"
The man replies "Well, you heard me knocking, didn't ya?"
MauiboyMike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:20:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher,a lawyer and a priest are on a boat with 12 kids and the boat starts to sink.The teacher says we have to save the children. The lawyer says fuck the children. The priest says do you think we'll have time?
vougester ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Another bilingual one:
An Ecuadorian man walks into an American department store looking for socks.
He walks to the front counter, gesturing to his foot, โNecesito calcetinesโ.
The clerk pulls out a pair of shoes.
โNo, necesito calcetinesโ gesturing to his foot.
The clerk pulls out some flip flops
โNo, no! Calcetines!โ
The clerk pulls out a pair of socks.
โSรญ! Eso sรญ que es!โ
Indignant, the clerk replies, โit would have been a lot easier if you had just spelled it in the first place!โ
ElVille55 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's this guy who has had a crush on this girl for ages, and he finally works up the courage to ask the girl to prom, and she says yes, and he's really excited. However, prom is only a few days away, and he has to rush to get everything in order.
First he goes to rent a tux, but he's waiting in line for good 3 hours before he can get fitted. But he finally gets to the front and gets that all sorted out, so he moves on the renting a limo. He gets to the rental agency and, once again, there's a massive line. He's waiting in line for about 2 hours before he can get his limo booked.
Well, finally is the day of prom, and before picking his date up, he goes to get some flowers, but the florist's is packed, and he's waiting in line for another half hour until he can get a bouquet. Well, finally it is the night of prom, and he's having the time of his life dancing with the girl of his dreams, when they start to get a bit thirsty, so the guy goes up to the drink stand, but there was no punch line.
27purplecookies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
Pj321 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Situational but you can set it up.
(Casual conversation and pigeons come up) 1: "Did you know pigeons die after they have sex" 2: " No way, really!?" 1: "At least the one I (had sex with) did!"
Simple but efficient. Edit: Any small animal will do.
Infinitiwynter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man sits up in bed, reading. His wife comes out of the bathroom, opens her robe like a cape, and jumps on the bed while shouting "SUPER PUSSY!"
The old man says: "I'll take the soup."
Self_Manifesto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other day I made two guys angry by calling them "hipsters."
Apparently, the preferred term is "conjoined twins."
myshadowandme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
crazydread18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man arrives home to find his wife's luggages at the door. Concerned, he asks her what's going on.
"Well, I heard you can get 25$ for a blowjob in Vegas. I don't know why I would stay here and give you these for free while I could get paid to do this. I'm leaving you."
The man rushes up the staircase to the master's bedroom. He comes back down the stairs a few minutes later. Confused, the wife asks:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to Vegas! I can't wait to see you live on 50$ a year!"
vradesign ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a Ninjaโs favorite drink?
WAAAAA-TER!!!
derekd2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a squirrel and a grape have in common?
Theyโre both purple.
Except the squirrel.
chadt5382 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call the hair between Grandma's titties?
.....
Her vagina.
Zoltaen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?
It's fucking close to water.
Luis707 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad would have loved this thread.
pdxchris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a cheap motel have in common with tight jeans?
No ballroom.
I think I find it so funny because my conservative Christian Mom told it to me when I was a teen and it was very much out of character for her.
wortelslaai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no headache pills in the jungle?
Because the paracetemol.
ElVille55 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saint Patrick was known for not wearing any shoes, so his feet were always hardened and blistered from walking around barefoot. He was also known for following an ascetic diet, meaning he was not only very physically weak, but also had very bad breath.
So I guess you could call him a...
Super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by hallitosis!
Mugrawumpus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two! One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the peni- ladder! I... meant to say ladder.
Flip069 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the condom hit the wall? It was pissed off.
Mayzenblue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who lost the whole left side of his body in a horrific accident?
He's alright now...
neumannhuman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This will get buried, but:
Whatโs the difference between a poor man on a bicycle and a rich man on a unicycle?
Attire.
BrianKid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but this is my go to: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Lcat84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if posted already, but this one is from Eddie Murphy.
There was a rabbit and a bear in the woods, the bear asked the rabbit if he has problems with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit said no, so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
thabigcountry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt lobsters share? Theyโre shellfish
Night_Reader ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep an idiot waiting?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
tapeworm1969 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know last Christmas, I got my son a trampoline as one of his presents.
But NO, he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry.
SpikeShroom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the genius farmer?
He was outstanding in his field.
cuntdestroyer8000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"knock knock"
Who's there?
"You're a cunt"
And repeat until everyone leaves the room
IsoscelesKr4mer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?
Person: How?
Me: I'll give you a hint. Take the 'S' out of 'Safe' and the 'F' out of 'way'.
Person: Hrmm... Afe...afeway? Wait, no. There's no 'F' in 'way'.
Me: That's right!
MickeyG42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:33:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They both smell it but can't eat it.
Zeb_ra_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are riding their bikes down a road and decide to take a shortcut. One nun turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before" The other looks back and says, "Me neither. Must be the cobblestones."
nmiller000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two friends are hanging out and one friend asks the other "have you ever been somewhere and got distracted and you meant to say on thing and you accidentally say something else"? "how do you mean" replied the friend "The other day I was at the airport and I meant to ask the stewardess, can I please have two tickets to Pittsburgh? and I accidentally said can I please have two pickets to tittsburgh!" "I know exactly what you mean" the friend said."the other morning I was at breakfast and I meant to ask my wife can you please pass the sugar but I accidentally said you f****** b****, you ruined my life!"
theshaneguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone hits their toe I say, โwant me to call you a TOW TRUCK?โ
shamowfski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between two dicks and joke?
You don't look like you could take a joke.
scotthines ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 3 types of people in the world; those who can count, and those who can't.
carewornalien ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do?
...sits up all night wondering if there is a dog.
MrE1Love ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You want to hear a dirty joke? Hey goes... A white horse fell in the mud.....
facial_issues ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
Elnateo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:39:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Nate. Dyslexic people think I'm neat.
TangerineHippo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:40:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green, fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table
Jerbonds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The new underwear I bought has holes in them!
But itโs okay, I just put my legs through.
Kreslev ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are swimming in a tank. One looks at the other and says, โyou drive. Iโll man the gun.โ
Falls1234 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:42:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday, and my mom said, "Wait till he's born!"
avid_snotboy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:42:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldnโt pay $50 to have a lentil on my face
shaarona ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says: "Clearly, I can see your nuts!"
DuhFlip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that he Fugawi Indians were the native tribe of the west in the early 1800s. the fugawi Indians were unique because they were nomads and followed their bison wherever they would go and live there. See They got theyโre name because every time they moved somewhere they were always found looking up to god asking him, โwhere the f*ck are we?โ
dragonlily74 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the man stop practicing sadomasochistic necrophiliac beastiality? He realized he was beating a dead horse.
henj_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the last thing you want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not really Willie Nelson"
pawnman99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine requires cooperation from the person you're telling the joke to.
Me: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Them: R?
Me: (In a pirate voice) Lots 'o people think it's the R, but it's actually the C.
honestmango ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
9k comments. Nobody will see this, but as a lawyer, hereโs my lawyer joke.
Whatโs the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
The hooker stops fucking you when youโre dead.
quintech ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIs that sushi in your pocket, or are you just happy sashimi?โ
whoami98 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a priest and acne ?
Acne waits till a boy is 13 years old to come on his face.
Fogfish420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
wolfgeist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
8 Zerglings, 6 marines, and 4 zealots walk into a bar. The bartender says "what's the rush?"
bsoothai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
Doobag1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between jesus christ, and a painting of jesus christ?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
AvesiaaMary ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Nanogrip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you find elephants hiding in the trees?
-Because they are very good at hiding.
WinterWilliiam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
mikewatt420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:46:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
sheldini ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to harbour they can Scandinavian
PoppinJ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the New Italian Navy have glass-bottomed boats? So they can see the old Italian Navy.
Siddioh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's Jackie Chan's favourite drink? Wataaah! " Have to karate chop on the Wataaah or its no good!
XenaGemTrek ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the razorbill raise โer bill?
So the sea urchin could see โer chin.
Isimarie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you lay flat on the ground during a thunderstorm? So the lightning thinks you're dead already
LoriB713 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the only kind of computer that can sing?
Adele
TokenFroKid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.
After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to smirk and grin to each other as they nod their attention to the girl at the table in the corner. John notices but doesn't say anything, unsure what to make of the obvious inside scoop.
They grab a few seats at the bar and start talking and slamming back a few cold ones. After a few laughs John asks his new friends about the girl they saw.
His co-workers nudge each other as they all chuckle. "Oh man... Her? Yeah rumor has it she's got the voice of an angel and gives amazing head."
John replies, "Ok... Is that it?"
Co-worker, "Get this, she can go down on you and sing at the same time. No gargle or nothing."
John, "Whaaaat? No way."
Co-worker, "Yup."
John, "Oh I gotta see this... Check this out".
John walks over to the table, starts striking up a conversation with her and after a bit flashes the thumbs up to his buddies as he walks out the door with her. They head back to his new, freshly furnished apartment and carry on flirting. Finally, John gets the courage to bring up the rumor.
She just smiles and tells him to lay back as she walks over to shut off the lights. John hears her walk back over and crouch down between his legs. Unzip as she pulls his pants down and starts pleasing him. Moments later, she starts singing in a beautiful, smoky, sultry voice.
John, "Oh. My. God. This is amazing."
He releases and passes out on the couch.
John wakes up the next morning and as his vision settles, he looks around and notices his wallet, keys, TV, Xbox, computer... All of his valuables are gone. She cleaned him out. Then he notices on the coffee table, with a look of sudden realization,
A glass eyeball.
chronicideas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:51:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican whoโs lost their car?
Carlos.
chiaraxluna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey Mouse got a call from his lawyer saying "Mickey, I'm sorry but you can't divorce with Minnie just because she's crazy."
Mickey said "I didn't said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!"
http://i.imgur.com/SlHJnSE.jpg
This ain't mine tho.
alexisonfire04 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chuck Norris is so tough, that when he sucks a guy's dick he turns him inside out.
AutumnDawnHood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about a cat?
Just kitten!
Silverrida ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:53:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
botched a joke
no laughter
"You see, it's because I'm very funny. You can tell because of the raucous laughter"
Doubles as a saving grace when a joke doesn't land. Always seems to crack a smile at least.
SimonPage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:53:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
Wataaaa!
Sport07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "five beers please?"
OhHeyThere93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I got a degree in Meteorology. So, naturally, I drive buses for a living."
Chattert ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lollipop ladies make me cross!
Edit:One for the brits amongst us.
Dobbingtonio ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneaded a poo
SolidTheKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So how do you sell a deaf man a frog?
You lean in next to their ear and shout "DO YA' WANNA BUY A FROG!?"
The delivery is important with this one.
Dakkadence ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Them: I'm (Insert Word)
Me: Hi (Insert Word), I'm Dakkadence
KuciMane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not necessarily a joke, but a riddle:
I am a man. If Jasonโs son is my sons father, what relation am I to Jason?
budgie0507 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not insecure... Am i?
candidly1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:59:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?????
They_Beat_Me ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:58:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Big_Green_Piccolo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:58:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(This joke only works twice a day.)
Hey.
Guess what time it is?
9:11.
wmbolling ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
โKeep the tip.โ
Skipadedodah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why unvaccinated children are less likely to have Autism?
You have to be alive to have Autism
Plethorian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to hold the giraffe; and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine parts.
shelchang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Rockmann1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an old lady yell "fuck me"
Yell BINGO!
Breugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:04:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
Tronrick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:06:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day a man was walking down the street with a massive orange as a head. As u would expect everybody was pointing and staring until one brave person plucked up the courage to approach him.
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you have a massive orange as a head. Why?" "Ah it's a bit of a long story" he replied. "I have time" "Well one day I was walking down the street with a normal sized head and I found a lamp on the floor" "A lamp" "Yes a lamp. So I gave a little rub as u do and what do you know, a genie popped out!" "Amazing" " yeah so the genie said I had 3 wishes" "What did you wish for? " "Well first I wished for unlimited money " "Did it work?" The man proceeds to take out his wallet, pulls out 100 dollars and throws it on the ground, immediately another 100 dollars pops up. "OMG! I can't believe it. What was your second wish? " "My second wish was that I could get any amount of beautiful girls at any time" "AND?" The man clicks his fingers and all the beautiful women in the area come running to his person. "So? What was the 3rd???" " Well the final wish was for a massive orange as a head".
powersgold ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:07:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre.
DPdestruction ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:07:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A panda walks into a bar in the old west. He walks up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, stands up, and shoots the bartender in the chest. As he turns to walk out the sheriff runs in and says โyou canโt just shoot that man! Who do you think you are?โ And the panda replies โIโm a panda, look it up in the dictionary.โ The sheriff looks panda up in the dictionary and reads it aloud. โPanda: eats shoots and leaves.โ
nat2r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helium walks into a bar..or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another object to contain it, should quickly dissipate. Furthermore, a cloud of helium, lacking any sort of motor system, is at the mercy of atmospheric currents and cannot enter a bar under its own power. It should not have been capable of opening the door to the bar. Even if it could, hypothetically, propel itself in such a manner, the lack of any semblance of a nervous system would make meaningful coordination difficult, if not impossible. And, if the cloud of helium has no nervous system, how can it think to enter a bar? How can it be self-conscious enough to know that it desires a drink? To question it is to question the nature of the self itself. What is the self? Is the self the physical body? But when the body is wounded, and, say, a limb is lost, the removed tissue is no longer considered part of the self. Is the self the consciousness? Yet nobody denies that an individual is no longer himself when he sleeps. Is the self a spiritual force, invisible and nebulous like the helium which provokes these questions? No scientific, empirical evidence of such exists; it is the domain of scholars, priests, and mortals who chase the shadows of the unknown. Who could say? It is a question that mankind has struggled to solve since the dawn of time without success.
The bartender is facing an existential crisis when he recalls the bar's policy towards noble gases and his psyche is once again put at ease. "You're going to have to leave, we don't serve your kind here," he says, grunting at the mass of atoms.
The helium doesn't react
AudiobeeG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself without support?
Because it's two-tired.
Trolllullul80 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad told me this joke back in the 90s when email was mainly only used for sending dumb jokes and E cards to people. Its a pretty long joke so i usually just make up the details when i tell it but this is the actual one from a joke site.
It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.
Next up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.
Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truckโs windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of theย greenkeeperโs shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.
In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, โI hate playing with your Dad.โ
DoctorNoname98 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man sees a pirate's walking around with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants, he says "Isn't that uncomfortable?"
To which the pirate responds "Yarr, it be drivin' me nuts"
nikkiface89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are marios favorite type of pants?
Denim.denim.denim.
Orrr
Do you know the difference between jelly and jam? -i cant jelly my d**k down your throat
OfAllThatIsElfuego ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:14:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
avantgardengnome ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:15:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A family on a vacation pulls up to a hotel. In the lobby, the husband walks over to the front desk while the wife and kids are gathering the luggage.
He gets the conciergeโs attention and says, โmy whole family is going to be staying here; I hope the porn on the television is disabled.โ
The concierge makes a face and says โno itโs just regular porn, you sick fuck!โ
happypillows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:17:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What bees make milk?
Boobees.
Jennarafficorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
nukl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the hippy I let crash in my couch say when I told him he had to leave? Namaste.
vimes72 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Edward Woodward have four Dโs in his name?
Otherwise, heโd be Ewar Woowar.
Rakirian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a rooster called a cock? Because it's always up in the morning.
MistakesTasteGreat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:21:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman are sitting in a pub.
The Englishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, and calls out to the bartender "Mate, 's a fly in my beer, i need another pint."
The Scotsman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, calmly scoops it out, and keeps drinking.
The irishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, picks it up by the wing, holds it above his glass, and says "Spit it out, you little bastard!"
cyberspace420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:21:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a psychic midget that's escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
hulahoophula ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never surprise a wizard.
"Booh!"
"Aaaah!"
"Did you just shit in MY pants?"
"Ta da~"
TreyTheBae ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he hit a wall
Damn.
super_sammie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.
jipleary ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:25:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
People say an interesting string of words and I go "OH! That was my nickname in college."
Subway Employee: "White Bread?" Me: "OH! That was my nickname in college."
Prmcc90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this joke on reddit about a year ago.
โA farmer goes out and buys a new young rooster to breed with his chickens, he lets the rooster out and he runs straight to the barnyard and fucks all 150 chickens. After lunch the farmer looks out at the yard, and the roosters back at it again.
The next morning the farmer goes out and the roosterโs fucking the ducks and the geese too! After lunch the farmer walks out and sees the rooster across the barnyard laying in the baking sun, covered in dust, and vultures are circling overhead. The farmer looks down at the rooster, who looks like heโs about to die from exhaustion, and says โyou poor horny little bastard.โ The rooster raises his head and cracks one eye open and says โshhhh, theyโre about to land.โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, people-watching. They notice two people walking into a building. A few minutes later, three people walk out. The physicist says, "Huh, must have been measurement error." The biologist says, "They reproduced!" A few minutes later, the mathematician looks up and says, "If one more person walks into the building, the building will be empty!"
ineedhelpguyz88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a giraffe when it's angry?
A grraaffe.
ciarasmum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:29:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Read out loud)
2 cats are having a race across the river. Their names are โOne two threeโ and โUn deux troisโ.
Which cat won the race?
โOne two threeโ won because โUn deux troisโ cat sank.
aderaptor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:29:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
volentin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company". "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts".
denrad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
kuenzel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is drinking at a bar when he notices its getting pretty late.
His wife works a late shift and hates it when he goes to the bar, so he decides to head home now before she gets back and finds out.
He gets out of his chair to walk home, but collapses to the ground. He tries to get up again, but collapses once more. "Wow," he thinks, "I guess I had a lot more than I thought. Thank God its just down the street."
So the man slowly crawls all the way home, and manages to get himself in bed and the lights off before drifting to sleep.
His wakes as the lights turn on and sees his wife glaring at him.
"You went to the bar, did you?"
"What do you mean? I was just sleeping, honest."
"The bartender called," she says.
"You forgot your wheelchair."
ImRykJames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:34:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But mistake! Yakuza boss die! Yakuza very mad! I hide fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret. I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!๏ปฟ
The_nova_is_ova ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:34:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay cow eat?
"Haaaaaaayyyy!!!"
jboone81 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:36:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the joke about the guy with 5 penises? His pants fit him like a glove.
acretion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:36:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks โwhy the long face?โ. The horse replies, โcrippling alcoholism is destroying my marriage and ruining all of my relationships.โ
AbeFromanSassageKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tarzan is swinging through the jungle and suddenly hears a "snap!" and his left arm falls off. He falls to the jungle floor, dusts himself off with his remaining arm, then takes off running through the jungle when suddenly he hears another "snap!" and his left leg falls off! Stressed a bit, he hops for a time until he has to stop and pee when "snap!" his dick falls off!
Several hours later, a team of scientists stumble upon Tarzan lying there on the jungle floor, missing an arm, a leg, and his dick. Working quickly and improvising with parts available, the scientists replace Tarzan's arm with the arm of an orangutan. They replace his missing leg with the leg of a tiger. And for his dick, well, they didn't know what to do, so they sewed an elephatnt's trunk on and sent him on his way.
A few months later the same team of scientists run into Tarzan and ask him how he's getting along with their transplants.
"Well," said Tarzan, "with this orangutan arm, I can swing from vine to vine faster than any animal in the jungle. With this tiger leg, I can run faster than any of my prey. Only problem is, every time I stop to take a leak, I keep shoving peanuts up my ass."
lilpenguin1028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a steamroller?
Flatman and Ribbon!
stupid_name ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two strings go in a bar. Bartender says โI donโt serve your kind!โ and throws them out.
One string gets up, musses up his hair, ties himself up and goes back in. The bartender asks โArenโt you that string that I just threw out?!โ
The string says โNope, Iโm A Frayed Knot!โ
Thebudweiserstuntman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
JuggrrNog77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you need to joke around with your guy friends
Do you remember your first blow job?
How long did it take for the guy to cum?
fruedianslip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:43:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Whose there? Leaf. Leave who. Leaf me alone. awkward chuckle Most effective joke Iโve ever told.
Nairbbbrian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:43:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
-Whoโs there?
Interrupting starfish
Knock Knock
-Whoโs there?
Interrupting sloth
-Interrupting sloth, who? (VERY slowly moved your hand towards there mouth with two fingers in a hooked position.)
( Remain silent and continue slowly moving your hooked hand towards them until it becomes highly uncomfortable)
creep_while_u_sleep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:44:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im late to this but here it goes:
Every time I go to a party or club and I make eye contact with a black dude I shake my head and say, โWaaaaay too many white people...โ
Iโm very white and have a shaved head, gets em every time.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:44:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in the oven. One tells the other "It's hot in here", the other replies "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN"
elaibaby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So they both are talking muffins?
Sh1406 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:44:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Boy and his grandpa are sitting on the porch. Grandpa is smoking a cigar.
Boy: โgrandpa can I have a puff of your cigar?โ
Grandpa: โwell that depends...does your dick touch your asshole?โ
Boy: โ....no grandpa it doesnโtโ
Grandpa: โwell then you canโt have a puffโ
The next day, the boy and the grandpa are sitting on the porch and grandpa is drinking a glass of whiskey.
Boy: โgrandpa, can I have a sip of your whiskey?โ
Grandpa: โwell that depends...does your dick touch your asshole?โ
Boy: โ...no grandpa it doesnโtโ
Grandpa: โwell then you canโt have a sip of my whiskey.โ
The next day the boy and grandpa are sitting on the porch and the boy is eating an ice cream.
Grandpa: โthat ice cream looks mighty tasty, can I have a lick?โ
Boy: โwell that depends...does your dick touch your asshole?โ
Grandpa: โwhy yes, actually it does...โ
Boy: โthen you can go fuck yourself, this is my ice cream!โ
daniel--sales ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two blondes, one is on one side of a river and the other is on the other side. The one blonde shouts โHow do you get to the other side!โ the other blonde replies โWhat do you mean? Youโre on the other side!โ
jabme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Interrupting cow. Moo before person can say interrupting cow who?
Tev_Teh_Wolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde walks into a barber shop and the barber says "what beautiful blonde hair you have" the blonde strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural" Then a brunette walks into the barber shop the barber says "what beautiful brown hair you have" the brunette strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural" Then a red head walks into the barber shop and the barber says "what beautiful red hair you have" the red head strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural" Then a woman with green hair walks into the barber shop and the barber says "what beautiful green hair you have" the woman sniffles, rubs her nose, strokes her hair and says "thank you it's natural"
Rohanahan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edit:NSFW
How'd you lick a bald fanny,
Take the Nappy off first
spug3t ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An engineer, physicist and mathematician were standing infront of a flag pole at the campus. Art major arrived and asked " What are you doing?". "We're trying calculate the height of this flag pole." said the engineer. "We're thinking of the best equation to do so" said the physicist. After thinking for moment the art major said "Just moment." and left. A moment later he came back with a mesuaring tape. He took the flag pole down an put on the ground. He mesuared it and said.: " 10 meters." After that he left. "Typical." puffed mathematician. "We asked for height and he gave us lenght."
English not native, but the joke is Universal.
Xenepa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did socialists use to light their houses before they used candles?
.
Electricity
Sparrowsabre7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are some good points about living in Switzerland? Well the Flag is a big plus.
Samdlittle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:53:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said. Can be used in response to most things. Guaranteed to show everyone in the room that your are hilarious.
sputnikutah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
except now.
Samdlittle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/s
sputnikutah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
;) there's that one guy in every office that says that and thgat one guy still live with his mom at the age of 40.
Lt_PeteMitchell1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:55:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken caesar salad.
yoptgyo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:55:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad was never proud of me. When I was five years old, once he said "When I was of your age, I was six."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:55:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little hoarse
Maninhartsford ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:56:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were cooking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy oh boy, it's really hot in here, huh?" and the other says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
jamelord ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:56:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't seagull's live by the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels!!
sputnikutah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:56:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so, a seal walks into a club....
wait i have a good cow joke, ah nvmd, ill just butcher it.
what kind of wine does jesus drink? water.
sprucay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are in a car when a vampire jumps on the bonnet (hood). They scream and the driver shouts "QUICK! SHOW THEM YOUR CROSS!" The other nun leans out of the window and screams "GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR YOU BASTARD"
wolpht ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty-bus-station and the other is a busty-crustacean.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican who got his car stolen?
Carlos
Loaatao ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:00:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and not heavy?
Light blue
TheYorkshireGripper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:00:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Indian with pink hair? Ghandi Floss
BruceInc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see hippos hiding in the trees? Because they are very good at it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock
who's there?
the interuppting sheep
the inter...
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Fl1P_FL0P ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the USA bad at Chess?
Because they already lost two towers.
Rossoliver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:06:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Timmy loved tractors. When he was growing up his room was covered in them. He had tractor wallpaper, a tractor bed, tractor sheets, tractor pillowcases and not to mention all of the tractor toys which he would lovingly play with every day.
On Timmy's 13th birthday his parents decided to take him to a farm and let him ride in a tractor. Timmy was so excited as his dream of being in a tractor was finally becoming reality. After about 30 minutes of being driven round the farmer driving offered Timmy a quick ho behind the wheel. Timmy was thrilled, nothing could make him happier. As Timmy drove round the field he started to become more and more confident behind the wheel and this is when disaster struck. Timmy ,now not really concentrating on where he was going, hit a bump in the field and the tractor lost control and hit a tree. The farmer managed to escape but Timmy was caught between the tractor and the tree and passed out with pain.
Timmy awoke a week later in his local hospital, both his parents were so relieved that he was awake they almost crushed him again. Unfortunately both of Timmy's legs were broken as well as his lower back. It took Timmy 2 and a half years to finally be back in control over his body and after months or grueling physiotherapy he was finally able to get back home. When he walked into his tractor covered room he almost broke down in tears. Timmy hated Tractors. Timmy never wanted to see another tractor again and so the next day his walls were stripped, his bedding changed and his toys put away and Timmy tried to move on with his life.
Throughout his life growing up Timmy started to put the whole tractor incedent behind him and focus on his new goals in life such as a job or house or even a girlfriend but he never got rid of that hatred of all things tractor.
We now see Timmy in his mid 20's life's been good to him. He has a good job and has just moved into a new flat in a nice part of town. He pops into a bar on his way home from work for a quick drink. The bar was thick with smoke and Timmy could barley see in front of him. As he went up to the bar he noticed the most beautiful lady he had ever seen in his life. She had long golden hair that fell gracefully from her head. Her eyes were a deep green and her lips a dark red. As Timmy was thinking of something to say to her he noticed a single tear running down her cheek. "Beautiful lady why are you crying" Timmy asked. She looked up at him and explained that all the smoke was hurting her eyes and she was struggling to breath. Timmy new it was his time to shine. "Never fear" he said and stood up on the bar. He then took a deep breath and sucked in all the smoke from the bar, everyone was now staring at him as he casualy walked outside and exhaled all the smoke into the atmosphere. As he walked back in he heard the woman cry "how on earth did you do that?!" "It's easy" Timmy replied "I'm an ex tractor fan"
nickburgess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:06:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Susie loved 2 things in life. Wearing dresses and climbing trees. When she was little all the boys would climb trees with her but as she got older she noticed the boys stopped climbing and would just wait while she climbed. So one day she went home and told her mom about it. Her mom got mad and told her the boys just wanted to see her panties. After thinking about what her mom told her Susie went back to climbing trees. When she told her mom she was horrified and asked "why are you still letting those boys see your panties?" To which Susie replied โDon't worry Mom I stopped wearing panties."
CommonerWolf20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:06:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my coworker's son was born without eyelids. They had to do surgery on him when he was born, because he couldnt close his eyes to sleep. When they were circumcising him, they took the leftover skin and grafted it into eyelids. He is all better now, he's just a little cockeyed.
Owner2229 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:06:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Daughter: "Dad, what's a chamois?" Father: "It's some stupid fish." D: "They write here a chamois jumps in the mountains." F: "See how stupid it is?"
EclecticEccentrick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna take a long look in the mirror, mostly because I'm urinating in the sink.
runninron69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:10:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Toothless termite walks into a saloon; asks a customer, "where's the bar tender?"
patricky6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:10:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Same one since I was six. How to catch an elephant: Dig a hole. Line the hole with peas. Fill the whole with ashes.
When the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.
DocJ72 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:10:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a doctor's office completely wrapped in cellophane. Doctors says "well I can see your nuts."
Patr1cks_Innovation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see ants in a church?
Because they are insects
CP_Creations ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf man a pig?
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A PIG?
The louder you say it, the funnier it is.
dothehustler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay to have a lentil on my face...
borderline777 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you know, I studied abroad in college?
short pause
"Her name was Michelle."
I usually wait till someone unwittingly sets me up by saying they either studied or traveled abroad. Also, I change he name every time.
BenBoje ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:13:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you ruin a good joke timing.
lexicanman6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't always tell Dad jokes but when I do he laughs.
mykeuk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two monkeys in a bath. One goes "oo oo oA AAHH AHH!"
The other says "well put some cold in, then!"
Harryballzanga ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone can't finish what they are eating.
Me: Save it for Ron. Them: Who the fuck is Ron? Me: You know, later on
RanaktheGreen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Benito's Army.
JuanoldTrump ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:15:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say when he noticed his vessel had sprung a leak?
โSHIT!โ
NotAMinecrafter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:16:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
sputnikutah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bruce Willis.
Jesphox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Buddy of mine made up this joke.
What did Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson tell the prostitute?
Ja-Blow-me
sputnikutah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
they dont call me the rock for nothing
PunaniRealness ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh so it was the first day of spring and once I got outside my eyes immediately started to tear up right?
Like omg allergies right?
So I go to the doctors, and plot twist,,, Depression
(The joke needs really good delivery)
hardhatgirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My newest favorite: what does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!!
alomomola ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:20:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke works best spoken out loud:
What's a pirates favorite part of a birthday party?
In a pirate voice Doubloons!
dhcanada ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirateโs favorite letter? (Usually they answer arrrrr.) Youโd think itโd be arrr but their first love be the sea.
humanknife ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
me: "do you wanna hear a joke about ghosts?" them: "answer" me: "that's the spirit"
plumber_craic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
manby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when you get the wrong tooth pulled?
Accidental.
I especially like to deploy this one when people are telling jokes that are getting on the 'edgy' side, it always resets things back to sensible giggle level.
HOTSTracer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:30:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fat alien?
Extra cholesterol
ekita079 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did I get out of Iraq? Iran. Usually receive chuckles and head shaking after it.
_Adios_Turd_Nuggets_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The elementary class has been learning about the 5 senses (touch, hearing, smell, taste, & sight). Today's lesson was about the sense of taste, so the teacher asked the class to close their eyes and open their mouths, and she would place a Lifesaver candy on their tongue for them to taste.
She makes the first round, and says "Ok class, who can guess what flavor that is?" Students hands go up into the air, and she calls on Susie to answer, who correctly guesses the flavor is cherry.
The teacher makes the second round, and asks the class to guess the new flavor. Hands go up again, and she calls on Katie to answer, who correctly guesses lime.
The teacher makes the third round, and asks the class to guess the newest flavor. No one raises their hand, so the teacher says "Ok, I'll give you a hint. It's something your mother calls your father." Little Johnny jumps up out of his chair and screams "QUICK!! EVERYONE SPIT IT OUT!! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"
chaseo1998 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:39:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So long BUT WORTH IT
Jesus and St. Paul are walking around the clouds checking out the world to report back to God. They come over pebble beach, Jesus turns to St. Paul and says Iโve always wanted to play the 18th hole and itโs open now, so St. Paul says we donโt have time we have a lot to do with North Korea, the Middle East etc. Jesus says come on let me just have one try at it. St. Paul says okay you can play one ball.
Jesus says thank you. They get down there and he grabs his driver. St. Paul says why are you using your driver and not your 5 iron( it goes over the ocean to drive it) Jesus says Tiger Woods does it I can do it. St. Peter says you get one chance you should use your 5 iron and lay it up. And then shoot it on. Jesus says nope if tiger woods does it I can do it. So he gets up there and swings and hooks it into the ocean. St. Peter says okay you lost your ball letโs go. Jesus says one more ball. St. Peter agrees and Jesus grabs his driver again and St. Peter says what are you doing, use your 5. He hooks it again, then he walks on the water to look for his ball and a guy walks by and says who does he think he is... Jesus and St. Peter says no he thinks heโs tiger woods..
sitting00duck00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologize.
tinnguyen123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife, not mine, is:
Why didn't Cinderella make the basketball team? . . . Becauze she's always running away from the ball...
I think cute joke never fail..
nathanpaulyoung ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young man had dreams of seeing the world and making a better future for himself, so he enlisted in the Navy. Basic training was a breeze, and before he knew it, he was arriving at his first ship, just a few days before leaving port.
He met with his supervisor, a Petty Officer First Class, who offered to show him around the ship and help him get acclimated.
"Son, if you have any questions or need anything, anything at all, just let me know." his supervisor insisted as they toured around.
The tour went as anyone could expect. They saw the galley, and his supervisor gave recommendations on what food was good to get on which days. They saw the ship's topside, and his supervisor reminded him not to kneel down on the razor sharp weather coating. Finally they arrived at the recruit's quarters.
Just as they were about to part ways, the recruit asked his supervisor, "Petty Officer, you said I could ask you anything, right? Well, what do we do when we're out at sea for weeks or months at a time if we...y'know, have needs?"
"Oh, that!? Not a problem at all. Here, come with me. We've got a solution for that." Skeptical, but open to see what the his supervisor had in mind, the recruit followed his Petty Officer deep into the underbelly of the ship.
After walking for what seemed like almost 10 minutes, through stairwell after stairwell, bulkhead after bulkhead, the pair arrived at a single door at the end of a long corridor. On it hung a plain cardboard sign, unceremoniously scrawled in Sharpie with two words: "The Box".
"Pardon the language, Petty Officer, but what the fuck is "The Box!?'" His supervisor just smirked and pushed open the door. Before the two men was a simple, mostly-empty room. But what stood out and begged the question was a large wooden crate, about 7 or 8 feet on a side, with a small hole cut in the front, naturally just at the perfect height.
"What the fuck is this?" the recruit asked. "Well son, this is The Box," the experienced sailor replied, "when you start feeling horny, just come down here, have a go at it, and you'll be right as rain and back to work in no time."
"Wow, seriously?" the young recruit asked, half-excitedly and half in disbelief. "There's no catch!?" "None at all!" His supervisor said. "You can use it whenever you like, night or day. Well, any time except Tuesdays."
Now totally sold on the idea, but feeling perhaps a bit cheated at Tuesdays being off limits, the recruit pressed for more info, "Why not on Tuesdays?"
"Well son, that's your day in The Box."
sparklingsnowflake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Have you ever smelt moth balls?
Them: Yeah....
Me: Howโd you manage to pry his tiny legs apart?
Read that joke on here years ago and still have a hard time getting through the delivery without bursting into giggles.
GeneralDarian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind German?
A not-see.
Verkesh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
Damn
McCowan- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:48:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well now I donโt have to go on r/jokes for the next 2 weeks.
weboddity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:49:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I meet someone old and have a conversation going, I ask them how old they are and then tell them they donโt look a day older than one year younger than they stated. For example:
โIโm 87 years of age.โ
And I be like, โEIGHTY SEVEN!?! You donโt look a DAY past 86!!!โ
It works every single time, probably because people that old came from simpler times and started laughing at simple, clean jokes early on and are generally more friendly and forgiving than the majority of younger society. That and people may not treat them like the fun people that they are, so it might be refreshing for them to have someone not tip-toe around them like theyโre emotionally fragile.
wildo83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:49:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The pope lands at the airport, and his chauffeur hurries him to the limo waiting outside.
The pope gets to the curb and stops, sighing heavily with a sad look on his face.
The chauffeur asks, โYour holiness, whatโs wrong? We have to get to the Vatican quickly.โ
The pope replies, โIn all my years as a pope, not ONCE has anyone let me drive myself. I fear I may never get the chance.โ
The chauffeur thinks to himself, โWhat could it hurt? The Vatican is just a few exits away..โ
โFine. Iโll ride in the back,โ says the chauffeur as he tosses the keys to the pope.
The pope hops in the driver seat, giddy as a schoolboy. Soon, though, heโs flying down the freeway at 120mph. The chauffeur is pleading with the pope to slow down, warning him of the dangers of blowouts, crashes and tickโ. Before he can finish his warning, highway patrol is sounding their sirens, and a booming voice says โPULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!โ
The pope pulls over, and rolls down the window. As the officer approaches the car, the chauffeur is squirming in the back seat.. heโs mortified, sure he will lose his job.
The office walks up to the side of the car, and says โLicense and registraโ....โ. The cop turns and runs back to his squad car and immediately gets on the radio, demanding the chief.
โWhatโs the problem, officer?โ Barks the chief.
โSir, I uh.. I pulled over a limo doing 120mph,โ says the officer timidly.
โArrest them!โ He barks again.
โSir, I donโt think I can,โ the officer says.
โBullshit! No one is above the law! Who did you pull over? The governor?!โ The chief yells.
โNo sir, heโs much more powerful than that,โ the officer mumbles.
โIs it the president?!โ The chief asks; his frustration growing. โYou get back there and ARREST THEM!โ
โSir, I REALLY donโt think I can arrest him. Heโs even more powerful than that!โ The officer says desperately.
โJust who the hell did you pull over?!โ The chief yells, flabbergasted.
โSir, I think I pulled over God!โ The officer squeaks out.
โWhat makes you think THAT?!โ The chief asks near his boiling point.
The officer whispers, โHeโs got the pope as his fucking chauffeur!โ
RadaGh4stly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a short psychic man on the run from the law?
A small medium at large.
SnortyMclinerson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both cum on little white crackers
reavesfilm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:58:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is for all my film crew friends out there:
An architect, a mathematician, and a producer all bring their dogs to a dog park. The architect says, โLook what my dog can do!โ and dumps a pile of bones out in front of the dog. The dog builds a little house and the architect is pleased with himself. The mathematician says, โOh yeah? Look at what my dog can do!โ He also dumps out a pile of bones and the dog arranges them in columns of 5s and 10s. The mathematician smirks at the architect.
Finally, the producer says, โYou think thatโs cool? Check out what my dog can do!โ The producerโs dog fucks the other two dogs, takes all their bones, and leaves.
I have production jokes for days. Iโll be here all week.
Hand_Wash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A rooster goes : cockadoodle doo A prostitute goes: any cock will do
markpas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman go into a bar in in London and the Englishman says to the others "This is a great bar. You buy a round and the barman give you a second round on the house." And the Scotsman says "Well in Edinburgh there's a bar where the first round is free and after you buy a round the barmaids buy the next one." And the Irishman says "In Dublin the bars give you all you can drink for free and afterward you go upstairs and have sex for free." His companions say "Really now, and have you taken advantage of it?" Says the Irishman "No, but my sister has many times."
Colonel_K_The_Great ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure I got this from Reddit and it's never failed.
A guy sits down at a bar and starts talking to the bartender. He tells the bartender that he's a consultant.
"What's that?" The bartender asks.
"I use logical thinking to help people make good decisions for their businesses."
"What do you mean by 'logical thinking'?"
"Well I'll show you. Do you own a dog?"
"I do." replies the bartender.
"If you own a dog, then you're probably good at taking care of others and are probably good with kids,"
"I love kids! Have three of my own."
"Well if you have kids, then it's very possible that you're a straight man with a wife." the consultant says.
"Wow! I do have a wife, and you guessed all that because I said I have a dog! Amazing!"
The man leaves and Tommy, a regular at the bar, shows up and sits down. The bartender asks him, "Hey Tommy, some guy was just in here and showed me what 'logical thinking' is. Wanna see?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Great!", says the bartender. "Do you have a dog?"
"Nope"
"You're gay!"
NormyTheWarlocky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke never fails to make people hate me.
So there's an orchestra performing. Everything is going great, the audience is impressed, it's going to go down as the best performance of all time.
The second act starts. One of the clarinet players starts playing late, a bar or so behind. The conductor stops, looks at the player, approaches them, and kills them brutally with their own clarinet.
Because of the grizzly nature of the crime and the sheer number of witnesses, the conductor is given the death penalty. Well, time goes by and it's the eve of his execution. As he is receiving his last rites, the executioner asks him what he wants for his last meal.
"Well," the man starts, as the priest reads from his Bible. "How many volts of electricity are you putting in me?"
"About 500 volts," the executioner says grimly.
"In that case, I'll take 5 bananas."
Confused but obligated to comply, the executioner gives this dead man his last meal. The conductor eats them, then is taken to the electric chair and set up. The executioner flips the switch, waits, then flips it back off.
The man is still alive.
Bewildered, they take him back to his cell and schedule a date for a second attempt. Well, that day comes along and the same exchange occurs.
"Well," the man starts, as the priest reads from his Bible. "How many volts of electricity are you putting in me?"
"About 1000 volts," the executioner says grimly.
"In that case, I'll take 10 bananas."
Once again, the state complies and gives him 10 bananas. He eats them, is taken to the execution chamber, is set up in the chair and waits. The switch is flipped, he spasms, and stops as they flip the switch back. He's still alive. They take him back to his cell and schedule another execution.
Well, the governor's office has heard about this. People have protested. Eventually, the governor just decides to pardon this man if they fail to execute him a third time.
For the third and final time, the man is sat down and given his last rites.
"Well," the man starts, as the priest reads from his Bible. "How many volts of electricity are you putting in me?"
"Well, since we failed the first few times, about 2500 volts," the executioner replied, ready to be done with this guy.
"In that case, I'll take 25 bananas."
Begrudgingly, they comply. He eats the bananas. They take him to the execution chamber and set him up as a pregnant silence hangs over the air. The executioner flips the switch and keeps it down a few seconds longer than normal. The man spasms and jerks until the switch is flipped back off.
Miraculously, he's still alive. He's escorted to his cell where the executioner stares at him in total disbelief.
"How are you still alive?" He asks.
The man smiles and says, "I'm just a bad conductor."
UnwipedButt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mother and daughter are walking through a parking lot at night. Suddenly the daughter sees two people having sex in a car.
Daughter: "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother, struggling to find words, says: "oh uh.. they're.. baking a cake!"
The daughter accepts this explanation and they continue on. A couple of days later the mother and father had just finished having sex and are both in bed snuggling.
The daughter comes in the room and says "Mommy! You guys were baking a cake!"
The mother smiles and replies "oh haha yea, how'd you know?"
Daughter: "I licked the icing off the couch!"
crazyhasydaisy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:14:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ocean say to the man on shore?
Nothing it just waved!
I love this joke cuz it's at once a shitty pun and work appropriate.
0dineye ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:16:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got pulled over. The cop came up to my window and asked for my info and to step out. They look through my documents and ask, "Mr. Do you have any warrants?" I reply "What do I look like, a cop?"
PerfectLoops ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten tickles.
Yes I'm a dad.
Pre dad go to joke which I've just realised can't be used anymore:
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs smoking?
Stephen hawking in a house fire.
R.I.P
stcrussmon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told a chemistry joke the other day. There was no reaction.
windychilly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Tank" "Tank who?" "You're welcome" ;)
CtC666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
My ass
perkyzebra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Great joke, Betty!
CtC666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nyaaah Hahahahaha
Tenezill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"do you know if a fart weights anything... If not I probably just shit my self"
Breaks the ice and the conversation.
nocturnalsonofagun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At any party: "Drinking [insert shitty beer that is present] is like having sex in a canoe... it's fucking close to water"
lilpopjim0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:21:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was outstanding in his field.
Stole of reddit last time this was asked. It's always stuck with me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:21:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the mathematician with constipation do?
He worked it out with a pencil
Dram1us ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:22:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 people sitting at the top of a construction site having lunch;
The first person opens their lunchbox and pulls out a ham and cheese sandwich, "Ham and Cheese again," they says "If I have this again I am going to throw myself off this building.
The second person opens their lunchbox and pulls out a vegan wrap "Vegan Wrap!" They exclaim, "if I have this again I am going to jump of this building."
The third person opens their lunchbox and sees chicken, vegetables and rice. "If I get chicken, rice and veges one more time, I am going to jump off this building"
The next day comes and the three workers sit down to their lunch.
The first opens his lunchbox and immediately hurls himself of the building; followed shortly by his two co-workers.
The next week at their funeral their partners are conversing.
The first says to the other two; "If they had told me they didn't want ham and cheese I would of made something else."
The second turns and says "if I had known they didn't want vegan wraps for lunch I would have made something different."
The third partner looks at the other two and says. "They always made their own lunch."
A_Simple_Bard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:22:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: What is a pirate's favorite letter? Most people: Arrrr! Me: No, it be the sea.
P_Crabz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:23:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter
Boltatron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:23:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mines when I'm getting off the phone. "what has a small dick and hangs down? A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?" - click-
I usually get a text right after or it's mentioned to me the next time I see the person lol.
Howtothinkofaname ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:23:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the left testicle say to the right testicle?
I donโt know, they were talking bollocks.
knifeymcshotfun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:24:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a tortoise?
A final warning from the ethics committee.
Bug_Hugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It was my friends birthday, so I got him an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it."
WhyAreTheDoorsDown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:28:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, he laughs."
sensesmaybenumbed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
slow clap
askmeifimacop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:28:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two buddies are out hunting when one of them suddenly collapses. The other one quickly calls 911. The operator asks the man if his friend has a pulse. "No, there's no pulse!". The 911 operator says "I want you to start CPR but first I need you to make sure he's not breathing". A gunshot is heard over the line. "Ok, now what?"
fibianofthemarsh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ken turns to Ryu, and asks him if he has a tenner he could borrow?
Ryu turns to Ken and replies "idoooooken!"
The only joke I have actually created myself and I love it lol
Plebsy_Mcplebster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NSFW!
โWhatโs the difference between jelly and jam?โ
โI canโt jelly my dick in your ass.โ
I got in really close and whispered the punch line to my boss.
He, erm, was not amused.
legojohn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:34:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man storms into a bar and screams at the bartender. He growls, โI never want you to serve me alcohol again. Last night I got so drunk that I stumbled home and blew chunks.โ
Bartender laughs and says, โdude, donโt freak out. That happens to everybody.โ
The man replies, โChunks is my dog.โ
lucomannaro1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one I heard from Lemmy in his documentary:
How do you sell a frog to a deaf person?
screaming my ass off DO YOU WANT A FROOOOOOOOG???
M1chael_Burnham ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes about white sugar are rare but brown sugar, demerara
readysetzerg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:43:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TheFamousJohnyD
Mollzor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:44:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you mix Mexican alcohol with a Pulitzer? Tequila Mockingbird.
Flexo24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:46:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are london busses red?
Youโd be red if you had to come every five minutes
dl064 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Short women hate being condescended, a little bird tells me.
ianjozeff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:49:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the high school kid napping today?
Oh, no. It's ok! He woke up.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:50:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
bastante60 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? ...
Because he's married.
Pumpkinsfan460 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:46:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think you need a look.
kevlar-vest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:51:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?
Light Blue
GozuTashoya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:51:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf guy a duck?
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK!?!
e-iowa-o ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never moon a werewolf..
Bewers93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:55:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man hiding in a pile of leaves?
Russell (rustle)
bastante60 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:28:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And a man with a rabbit up his ass?... Warren.
Bewers93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing
much_furthur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:57:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
neutralmilkmotorinn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:00:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A roman soldier walks in to a bar, holds up two fingers and says "5 beers please"
slipperwhale ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Got this one from my dad: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog
Isthisnameinusetoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:05:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore
-Pluvio- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:05:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys get lost in a jungle and are captured by a jungle tribe. They are brought to the tribe leader, who tells them, "I will let you go, but first, you must bring me ten fruits. They must all be the same fruit."
Thinking the request a bit odd, but thankful to be given the chance to be set free, the three men eagerly set out into the jungle in search of fruits.
The first man comes back carrying bananas. The tribe leader says, "In order for you to be set free, each of these bananas must be inserted into your anus. You must not make a sound, or you will be killed. If you pass, you will be set free."
The man made it to three bananas before he let out a yelp he could no longer contain. The man was taken away to be killed.
The second man arrived. He was carrying grapes. The tribe leader repeated what was to be done. The man remained silent throughout the process, but let out a giggle on the very last one. He was taken away to be killed.
The tribe man who led the man away asked, "You almost made it. You were on the last one, and you could have gone free. Why did you break your silence?"
The man, now laughing loudly, said, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"
steveurkelsextape ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:08:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.
camus56 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:11:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
funnyoldbones ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
chickenrapist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:16:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my women like I like my bourbon, 19 years old and full of coke.
cacadoodle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:18:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was addicted to soap.
But I'm clean now.
ExceedinglyGayParrot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:21:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know pigeons die after having sex?
Well, the one I fucked did.
Kusko25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:22:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two mushrooms in the forest.
One says: "How's it going?"
The other says: "Shut up, mushrooms can't talk"
TKLeader ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:23:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Kind of fails sometimes though because it seems to go over people's heads. Kind of like the bar and the third guy.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:24:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
xandertarbert ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you're cold, go stand in a corner and that'll warm you up. Why? Corners are 90ยฐ.
saintstfu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're to young to smoke.
mrcoffee83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you have step on an orange?
You hurt it's peelings.
Zuphixavex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:33:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For billy's 14th birthday his parents asked him what he wanted.
"I wanna watch!" He said.
So they let him.
iambpburke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You ever hear the joke about the rope? (No.) Ahhhhh skip it.
DeDeluded ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:52:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs there?
Doorbell repairman
hunmac9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:53:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow having a seizure? Beef jerky.
You said my go to joke, not a good joke...
djgreenhouse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:54:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man - Doctor doctor I can't help taking all my clothes off and wrapping my body in 'Saran Wrap' (Cling Film)...
Doc - I can clearly see your nuts.....
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:55:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g17DL1YJ730
azchrisb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:59:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
Johnny0monteiro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:59:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them
vikzeb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:02:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whose Irish and sits outside all day? Patio furniture.
L3onskii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:02:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
nacholibre619 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:03:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two balloons are walking in the desert. One balloon says to the other: hey, watch out for the cactusssssssssssssssssssssss.
wholefulgrain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:03:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station...
Choccybizzle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:03:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Next time thereโs a glass of beer around, grab it, put it under your chin and say โlook at the head on that pintโ
imomox3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:03:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If anyone asks me what I do for a living:
"I crush cans for a living...it's soda pressing"
tandoori_fury ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:04:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hydrogen atoms are talking: "Hey man I lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."
OMA_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:05:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once went to a Hispanic restaurant with my friends family and it was truly amazing. We got to eat outside, the food was nice and hot, all the workers were authentically Hispanic. It was as if we were really eating in Dominican Republic.
So me, being the little jokester I am, noticed that they call out the names for the customers to pick up their food... and that the person calling out the names out was a chef who (by the sound of it) didnโt speak a lick of English. So I formulated a plan.
I walked up to the counter after everybody else, placed my order, and left them with a name for the order.
A few minutes go by and they call my friends mom name Rosemary Sanchez, then his stepdads name George Tellos , then his cousins name Margie Morales, then his little brothers name Steve Sanchez, then my friends name Edwin Sanchez.
Quiet a few minutes go by and i start giggling in anticipation, thinking they mustโve caught on. But Just then, the chef press the intercom button. Fumbles around then says โMichael jones! To comer es aqu- AYE CONJ-!โ
[this is a real life story]
SpliffmasterJohn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:07:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching prn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what prn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
_JSully99_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:07:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have to that I use as a way to announce myself whenever Iโm meeting up with a group of friends, or going to a party or something.
2 *when I arrive to a party
โAaayyy where the ugly bitches at? Iโm here for youโ
tenaciousp45 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:08:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man has a vision in which he meets God and God says, "My son, I am the Alpha and the Omega, I am all knowing and all powerful, I am. I have revealed myself to you to share my wisdom, now what do you ask?" The man says, "Wow. God, I'm an engineer and I've wanted to make the greatest bridge ever conceived, spanning from California to Hawaii. Can you help me make it as my gift to the world?" God replied "My son, I'm sorry but it cannot be done, for that feat is technologically impossible. Perhaps I can share more of my knowledge with you?" The man asks "Lord, can you help me understand women?" God answered back "We'll get started on that bridge tomorrow."
maddiegirl1995 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:09:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like when thereโs an eyelash in my eye (or I pretend there is) to say โI hate when an eyelash falls in my eye, it hurts when itโs supposed to protect me. How eyeronicโ then they get mad so I says โdonโt lash outโ and if theyโre still mad I say โthereโs no need to get irate.โ Triple pun
ojclenson668 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:11:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend is gay but I'm not.
SomeLesbianBitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:11:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them looked to the other and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?"
camp-cope ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:13:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhat do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"
"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.โ
insertcaffeine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:23:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway
TheFatal693 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:23:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Twenty five.
Lindeberg1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:25:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Inside a full elevator going into work, when It's dead silent I sometimes go: "Only 8 hours left."
Kronikbetty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:26:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees produce milk? Boo bees
GlassiamIsAFag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeรฑo business.
bilboTbagguns ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's at times like these I always remember what my father once told me. "The door says push ya fucking moron" Great man.
Makrovich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:31:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bad circumcision?
A rip off.
kifmaster11235 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:33:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it itโs probably shit
The_Senate27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:35:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My love life.
Lynxassassin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:39:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did steal this from tumblr but it works.
โWhat is the difference between a lobster with boobs and a dirty bus station?
One is a busty crustacean and one is a crusty bus stationโ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:40:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Delaware? A New Jersey.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware? I dunno, Alaska.
Thank you, thank you.
autonomousAscension ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:43:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly? Because if they were small, white, and hard they'd be Aspirin
Crimsai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:44:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you titillate an ocelot? Ocillate it's tits a lot.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:44:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What have Isis and Little Miss Muffet got in common?
They both have Curds in their whey.
autonomousAscension ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:46:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a french bathroom? Linoleum blown apart
WintersTablet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:46:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have three that I got from other places.
1) From the movie "My Blue Heaven". It's a sense of humor test. "What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb? - You can unscrew a lightbulb."
2) From working food service. It's a Spanish translation joke. "Tell me out loud in Spanish 'I want to see gas' as in solid, liquid, gas...not gasoline." Translates to "Yo quero varr gas". When said fast it sounds like "Yo quero vergas" ... I want penises.
3) Why did the peanut have to go to the hospital? It was a salted.
jinantonyx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:49:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
Northern fairy tales begin, "Once upon a time..."
Southern fairy tales begin "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!"
CanadianJogger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:06:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And here I was thinking, "Well, one will have vikings killing monsters, and the other will have drunken goat-men playing tricks on beautiful women.
Mundane_Dan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:50:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because eucalyptus arms and legs off
SuzLouA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:02:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This took me several mystified seconds of repeating it under my breath.
distilledwill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:53:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 beekeepers sitting in a pub.
One takes a drink and says "I've got 1000 bees in 50 hives".
The others look unimpressed.
Another pipes up: "Well I've got 10000 bees in 500 hives!"
Well, thats a lotta bees and a lotta hives.
The final beekeeper finishes his pint and places his empty glass on the table:
"Well I've got 1 million bees... in just ONE hive"
"A million bees in a single hive??!"
"Yeah fuck em they're only bees"
dabeeman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:56:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my dad I wanted to be a professional balloon artist. He said don't hold your breath.
endtyme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Eddie Murphy Raw....
Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Molakar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."
SonofASpider ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:02:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? In the BMW, all the pricks are in the inside
chantalouve ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:03:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A white horse walks into a bar. The barman says "You know, there's a whiskey named after you!" The horse replies "A whiskey named Eric, how about that!"
Zarathuz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:03:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What award was the inventor of the knock-knock joke awarded? A: The No Bell Prize
smits017 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:07:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arr
Xaines13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:09:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1"Want to hear a knock knock joke?" 2"Yeah" 1"Ok go ahead" 2"Knock knock" 1"Who's there?" .^ 2"..."
kauredo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:11:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall down the well? He didn't see that well
AbeLaney ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:16:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes into a psychiatrist's office wearing only saran wrap. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts."
electroplankton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:17:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pavlov walks into a bar, a bell rings above his head. He says "Shit, I forgot to feed the dogs!"
flipflan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:20:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dwarf and midget? Very little
Alpine93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:21:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes"
aseedyman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:22:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
CherryDoodles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:22:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The barman says: โWe donโt serve faster-than-light particles in here.โ A neutrino walks into the pub.
AdamBhay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:26:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have an immense fear of speed bumps. (Pause until someone asks or it gets reeeaal awkward) I'm slowly getting over it.
anotherenglishlad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:30:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert!
cobot87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:30:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A photon checks into a hotel. The porter asks if it has any luggage: "No, I'm travelling light."
JustSomeRamblings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:31:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse responds, "My entire family just died."
FuzzyFuzzzz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:35:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other โHow do we drive this thing?โ
Supersteel12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:36:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking love this thread
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:36:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only works preferably at night or in a place full of trees:
I don't like these trees. They look shady.
waggishwolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:37:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Myself.
sharfpang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:43:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a Microsoft support representative fix a car with a flat tire?
Keep replacing wheels until they replace the right one.
How does a Microsoft support representative fix a car that ran out of gas?
Keep replacing wheels until they replace the right one.
curlybamboo129 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:44:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Mexican do when angry?
He gets Jalapeรฑo face...
Jetztinberlin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:44:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How come you never see hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
A: Because they're so good at it.
Or my other, Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: A fish.
notthepuma ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:50:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An elderly couple are driving across the country. The woman is driving when she gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman asks her, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband once again. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gives the officer her license. The patrolman looks it over and says with a smile to the old man, "Tallahassee, Florida, huh? I had a blind date once with a gal from there. Worst piece of ass I've ever had."
The woman turns to her husband. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"
CiteThisSource ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:50:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can't wait for all the reposts.
aWormhatForVermhat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:50:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the man say to the guy in the wheelchair that stole his camo jacket?
You can hide but you canโt run!
2ds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:51:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Never fail groaner:
There are 2 flies on the ceiling. Do you know what one fly said to the other? "Your man is open."
muriken_egel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:02:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a wingless fly?
A crawl.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:53:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the definition of confusion?
16 Blind lesbians in a fish factory.
ScarlettStorm13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:53:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway
Count-Ravioli ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:53:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walk into a bar and asks the bartender why the music stopped. The bartender tells the man that the radio is busted. The man says no big deal and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a tiny man and a tiny piano. Miraculously this action figure sized human being starts playing the most beautiful piano youโve ever heard in your life
The bar tender is amazed. He immediately asks where the stranger found the tiny man. The man explains that he has a genie that grants him any wish no matter what. He offers the bartender an opportunity to try it for himself . The bartender, who at this point is super skeptical, wished for a million bucks. All the sudden he looks out the window and a million ducks fall out the sky. The bartender asks the man if the genie has some kind of hearing problem. To which the man responds โyeah, I didnโt ask for a 12 inch pianistโ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:54:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Off the top of my head, theres one I know, and this only seems to work on white people. (I'm Indian, living in the UK). So the conversation has to be something about Indian food, and it goes somewhat like this-
Me: some comment about Indian food
WP : some response about Indian food
Me : polite laugh and/or asking further about it
WP : So do you eat Indian food at home?
Me : Well, at home we just call it 'food'...
And thats it. This joke has never failed me on a white person. Doesn't make other Indians or black people laugh. I don't even find it funny myself.
Gregus1032 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:56:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said its OK to have a little penis, I still wish she didn't have one though.
Lycanthropie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:56:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A stormtrooper and a Redshirt get into a shootout. The stormtrooper misses every shot, the Redshirt still dies.
someonesmom13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:57:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy is driving around in the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a dog sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the dog replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
DeepDoughbeast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:05:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A father bursts down his son's door, points dramatically and yells "STOP THAT, OR YOU'LL GO BLIND!"
The son says "Dad, I'm over here."
Rennie07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:10:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife laughed at me when I said I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti.
She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.
Al_Kydah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:11:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know I'm going to get downvoted for this but jeez, some of these "never-fail, go-to" jokes....well....aren't.
Edythir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:13:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a hand grenade and a woman have in common?
Remove the ring and your house is gone
doomdragon10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:13:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Con: hey, you wanna go paint some graffiti Me: nah. If your gonna do something bad, just burn down an orphanage. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
KettleandClock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:19:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old woman sat in the park each day feeding the ducks.
One day an old man stopped by and sat with her. After a while they both got up and left.
The next day he was there again. They sat together every day for a few weeks until the man leaned over and asked, "would you mind holding my penis?" she said yes, and did so for a while, then they both got up and left.
Every day after that the same thing happened, he would ask, she did and then they left.
A few weeks later he didn't show up. Confused, the woman looked around and saw him on another bench with another woman. She stormed over and screamed, "you bastard, what does she have that I don't?"
The man leaned over with a smile and said...
"Parkinson's!"
Rodal888 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:22:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's round, red and not a tomato?
A lying tomato
DrDalenQuaice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:23:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that people eat more bananas than monkeys?
I didn't know that.... Interesting.
Yeah I can't even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
bakedphilosopher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:26:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a rope walks into a bar. the bartender says: we dont serve rope here!! disheartened, the rope steps out, goes into the alley, ties himself up, and messes up his hair. he walks back into the bar and asks for a drink. the bartender says: aren't you that piece of rope from before?
no, I'm a frayed knot.
Foxhunter1234 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:28:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: - I cant come in to work today, I'm sick! Boss: - oh ok, what's the matter? Me: - I just fucked my sister,
dabilee01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:31:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Basically /r/dadjokes
BoaMike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:39:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm happy to report that my new book about poltergeists is flying off the shelves.
rprskalo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:52:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(In an Irish accent)
Q: Why did Sullivan only put 239 beans in his chili?
A: Because one more would be too farty!
lilpastababy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:00:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mosquito tips his fedora.
"M'laria"
Guffeluf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:02:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the most important thing about jokes timing.
The art is to tell the joke exactly as written above. I think it's beautiful.
ajlawford ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:09:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs better than eating a Mandarin?
Eating Amanda out.
(My name is Amanda)
licker696996 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:13:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I paid a midget hooker 50 bucks to go up on me.
Yaldinho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:14:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk when she was shot in the stomach.
The Doctor said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.
It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that when she had a shit she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.
A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a piss she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.
All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me: you went to the toilet and found a bullet".
He then turned back and said "No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"
Inkroodts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:18:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a really judgmental German girlfriend, who likes to rate my sexual performance, usually something like 2 or 3 out of 10. But i must be getting better because last night we made love and she started yelling NINE NINE!
ponytail_girl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:35:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just as we humans have our Olympics every four years, so the bugs have their Bug Olympics every four years. Itโs the biggest sporting event in the bug world, and every year hundreds of different bugs come to test their luck at becoming the official bug world champion in their sport.
This year, two bug best friends are both entering for long jump. Funnily enough, when the day of their event comes, they realize theyโll be going right after each other in the jumping lineup!
When the first bug steps up to the mark to jump, his heart is beating faster than ever. He knows he needs to knock this jump out of the park, heโs at the Bug Olympics, after all! Right before he jumps, he finds his friend in the crowd of competitors, and they exchange thumbs up.
The first bug steels himself, prepares himself, then jumps with all his mightโand boy, what a jump! He has tied the big world record for long jump! The crowd goes crazy, the bug is in shock, and behind him his friend is cheering madly!
But when the friend bug steps up to the line to jump, heโs feeling a little nervous. Heโs definitely happy for his friend, but he needs to make an amazing jump to be in contention for gold. He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... and itโs another incredible jump, just one millimeter behind the world record! But itโs still one millimeter behind, and even though the crowd goes nuts, heโs still not in first right now.
When the first bug returns to the line for his second jump, heโs feeling really pumped. If he can jump anything like his first jump again, heโs got this. He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... and nobody can believe it, but itโs even better than before! He has surpassed the world record by one full centimeter! The crowd is cheering, theyโve never seen anything like it!
This is all great for the first bug, but the second bug is even more anxious than before. How is he supposed to beat that?! But his friend gives him a pat on the shoulder as they switch places, and he steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... itโs incredible: he would have beaten the world record, but he is again just one millimeter behind his friend.
The bug is getting more nervous, but he knows thereโs one jump left. When it comes time for that last jump, the two bug friends exchange a smile.
โNo matter how this turns out, I want you to know I really value your friendship,โ says the first bug.
โYou know I feel that way too, man,โ says the second bug. โGood luck! Iโm rooting for you!โ
With that, the first bug steps up to the line for his last jump. He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... and even before he touches the ground, he knows heโs done it. Heโs beaten the new world record he just set by one centimeter. The crowd is showering him with teddy bears, theyโre chanting his name... itโs an incredible moment.
So as the second bug steps up to the mark, heโs feeling less confident than ever. Heโs going to need a miracle to even tie that! But that doesnโt mean heโs not going to try.
He steels himself, prepares himself, and jumps with all his might... but even though the crowd still goes wild for an amazing jump, heโs still one millimeter behind his friendโs last jump.
The second bug is disappointed, but heโs still happy for his friend. At the conclusion of the long jump, he finds heโs won silver, which is still a great accomplishment at such a famous sporting event as the Bug Olympics. His friend, of course, won gold.
The next day, the two bugs appear on national televisionโeveryone loves a good friendship story, after all.
The first bug proudly talks about his journey to the Bug Olympics, about how all the hours he put in really paid off and how heโs excited to see whatโs coming next, and thank you to his parents and coaches and friends for supporting him.
โHow about you?โ the reporters ask the second bug. โWhat do you think of your performance today?โ
โWell,โ the second bug replies, โIโm really happy with how I jumped, I definitely set some personal bests and Iโm proud of that.โ
โBut,โ he says, โon the day, I think I was just the lesser of two weevils.โ
aasclarke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:04:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend that is half Indian - his name is Ian.
Splatterman27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:08:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The spaghettiesburg address
PridePoint ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:19:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to Ireland recently, and it was beautiful. I walked along this cobblestone wall, came across this beautifully built pub, and saw a very large bartender. I go up to him and start shooting the shit as he pours me a pint.
"How ya likin it here?" he says in his gruff voice.
"It's pretty here." I say as I take a drink.
"Didja see the cobblestone wall? I built that, y'know. But they don't call me a mason. Ya like that chair your sitting it? I built that myself too. But they don't call me a carpenter." and then he leans in very close and says "But you fuck ONE goat..."
cheefin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:21:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no-eye deer.
JonsterUK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs while it is mating?
A: Still fucking no-eye deer.
thatwasmyfault ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:27:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. and mrs. Wong had a baby. When it was born, it turned out to be white. Mr Wong is furious, and accuses his wife of cheating, because two Wongs donโt make a white.
KhaosElement ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:38:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
!false
It's funny because it's true.
nutnerk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:42:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I live in Spain so...
Como te llamas una mujer que no tiene piernas?
'consuelo'
jajajaja
I actually invented this joke myself v proud
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
nutnerk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about the comfortable part... consuelo means literally 'with the floor'... so if you have no legs you are on the floor because you can't stand up. Consuelo is a popular woman's name. Jokes aren't funny when you explain them :(
Kveldur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:57:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worked in IT for a few years and this was always my lame joke. Do you know what computer can sing? No? Adell
ocsor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:01:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've worked in many places and cultures all over the world. I have found shhhhhh'ing someone after they sneeze with one finger on your mouth (and making sure you smile and they know your'e joking) to be the most internationally understood joke and it never fails to get a laugh.
SyllabaryBisque ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:24:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โKnock, knock.โ
โWhoโs there?โ
โControl freak. Okay, now you say โcontrol freak who?โโ
purpleskye24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell people I have a really funny knock knock joke. Then I tell them that they have to start it off. So they say "Knock knock." and then I say "Who's there?" and I just stand there staring at them. It confuses some people but it always ends in people bursting out laughing.
scottiebass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:58:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a four-letter word that ends with the letters "u-n-t" and is sometimes used to describe a woman ?
Aunt.
EbonyDuke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:10:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasnโt very special...
But the reception was fantastic!
AJN95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:17:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you ever tasted ethiopian food?"
"No"
"Neither have they"
Cheesus_Bacon_Crisp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day a man was walking along the street, when a street vendor called him closer
"Hello there, my friend! Would you be interested in a ninja dog?" the vendor said, pointing to an old German Shepherd next to him
"Ninja?" said the incredulous man, scoffing at the vendor "That dog looks like he's one step away from death!"
The vendor simply laughed, shaking his head "Oh no, my friend, he is really a ninja dog! Watch!"
The vendor turned to the dog and shouted "Ninja, the door!"
Much to the man's surprise, the dog darted towards a nearby door like a bullet, ramming into it and completely destroying it. The man could only stare in aghast as the dog obediently returned to the vendor's side, not harmed at all.
"Ninja, the trashcan!" Yelled the vendor, and once again, the dog darted lightning fast at it's target. By the time it was done, the trashcan was nothing but scrap metal.
"So, my friend" said the vendor with a smile "Have I convinced you?"
"I'll take it!" exclaimed the man. The dog was quite expensive, but he knew it was worth every penny.
The man arrived at home with the dog, excited to show it to his wife. The woman, upon seeing the old dog, exclaimed "What the hell is that filthy dog doing here?!"
The man shook his head, smiling "No, honey, it's no regular dog! It's a ninja dog!"
"Ninja Dog?" the wife exclaimed in disbelief "Ninja my ass!"
UvaroviteKing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:39:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After 30 years of hard employment a man decides he's finally going to retire. After a month or so he finds himself bored and craving a bit more social interaction. So he decides to become a Wal Mart greeter. He's enjoying interacting with people again and having something to do everyday. His manager is happy to have him but, after a week or so, notices that he's constantly showing up late for his shift. The manager approaches him one day late in the morning and says "I've noticed that you seem to be showing up late every day. What's going on? What did they tell you at your last job when you showed up late?" The man says "Oh you know, 'good morning general' "
humblebrag16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:54:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?
It's ok, he woke up.
wizzahd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always come super late to these things but here is where I keep all of my jokes: www.nikoscornyjokemachine.com
CaptainChancey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:03:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The penguin
Joe_Redsky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lawyer was hunting birds and did not realize he had strayed into territory governed by an indigenous community. As he was going to retrieve a duck he had shot, he was met by a Native conservation officer who told him โthis duck is on our land, so itโs our duckโ. The lawyer argued strenuously that the duck belonged to he who had shot it, but the Native officer was unmoved. Eventually the lawyer threatened to sue for the return of the duck, but the officer informed him that his Native community was sovereign and US laws do not apply, but he also offered the lawyer the chance to resolve the dispute through a โtraditionalโ method - the lawyer and the officer would take turns kicking each other in the balls, until one of them gives up. The one who does not give up would keep the duck. The lawyer really wanted that duck, so he agreed. The Native enforcement officer (who is wearing cowboy boots) then says, โok, get ready, here comes my first kickโ, and he boots the lawyer squarely and very hard in the family jewels. The lawyer is in excruciating pain, but eventually pulls himself up off the ground and tells the enforcement officer, โok, itโs my turn, get readyโ, to which the Native officer replies โI give up, you can have the duckโ.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The jelly and jam joke.
RooneyNeedsVats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad walked into my room and said "Son if you don't stop masterbating you're going to go blind." I called my dad from the bathroom and said "Dad, I'm over here."
SweaterStripey83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The guy who wrote the hokey cokey has died. The hardest part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in and that's when all the trouble started...
tyme_tripping ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just got back from a zoo. I'm beyond disappointed! They only had one dog! It was a shitzhu!
KenniR0406 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hats are on a rack. One says "you stay here, I'll go on ahead"
Warthog989 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:41:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cheeseburgers walk into a bar and ask for a drink. Bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here"
aMazedot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy in highschool gets a text from his girlfriend:
โWhy donโt you come over to my house right now? Nobodyโs home ;-)โ
The little horny boy he is he doesnโt hesitate one second and rushes over to his girlfriendโs looking to have some fun.
He knocks.
He rings the doorbell.
... Nobodyโs home.
Iwilljudgeyou28 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix human DNA with a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.
evilf23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
GF and I got into role playing, but it got a bit out of hand. Last night she asked me to be a flamingo, but i wasn't comfortable with that so i had to put my foot down.
Costumekiller ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive got a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it
srasbo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone is taking too long at a drive thru "what did they order, the entire franchise?"
Blurryskys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:07:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest a rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender puts his head in his hands and says my life is a joke.
forbesmetal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? . . . Christopher Reeves
samerrinoculdood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
El_Business ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was out-standing in his field.
DasRotebaron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:37:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was a salted.
lintpowers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow masturbating!
Beef stroganoff
The_Pip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Quaker
Interrupting Quaker Who?
.....
.....
.....
Nebichan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:11:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I donโt get it
DelRayTrogdor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three part joke.
1) whatโs brown and sticky? A) a stick
2) whatโs brown and sounds like a bell? A) Dung!!!!
3) whatโs brown and rhymes with snoop? A) Dr. Dre.
LazyIguana3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a circular hole in the ice and surround it with peas. Then, fill the hole with ashes. When the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
Iโve found this joke kills with old people
Brinky07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.
Meanteenbirder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:32:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An artist is found dead in his studio. After 5 years the police FINALLY find his killer. When the family asks why it took so long, the police say it's because evidence at the crime scene was sketchy.
itsnotasbadasuthinki ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man and woman who live in an retirement facility strike up a close friendship. As time progresses they become what in their younger years would have been considered boyfriend and girlfriend. Their favorite thing to do is to go outside in the evenings, sit on the one of the benches in the courtyard, and watch the sunset.
One evening several months into their relationship, the man asks the woman - โI know we are no longer young, and I hate to be so forward, butโฆwould you hold my penis?โ.
The woman is taken aback and refuses. The next evening, he asks the same thingโฆ โwill you hold my penis?โ. Flustered again, she refuses. This continues for nearly a week before she finally comes to the conclusion that they are both nearing the end of their lives and what harm could it do to give her dear friend what he desires most, so she agrees?
โI am an old womanโ, she says, โCertainly you can not expect this to lead to anythingโ
โOf course notโ, he says โI am simply an old man who wishes to feel young againโ
So, she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and holds it. Watching the sun set.
This becomes a daily occurrence. They meet in the entry hall after their evening meals, walk outside to the courtyard, sit on the bench, and she holds his penis while watching the sunset.
Then, one evening, the woman is waiting in the entry hall for the old man. He does not come down from dinner. Sheโs worried, terrified that something may have happened to him. She can not find him anywhere.
Thinking maybe he has forgotten, in his old age, that he was supposed to meet her, she runs outside into the courtyard.
She finds the old man, sitting on their bench in the courtyard with another women holding his penis. She is heartbroken, mortified.
โWHY!โ she cries, โWhat have I done wrong?โ. โWhat has THAT woman got that I DONT!โ she screams.
The man looks at her and saysโฆ
Parkinsonโs Disease
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
save this whole thread
gedai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โYou know, that one guy, Hitler? ...
โYeah, turns out heโs kind of a jerk.โ
I think how I talk and carry myself it works more than someone else whoโd say it, but nothing like Norm Macdonald
JesusBrimstone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:12:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You: What's the pirate's favorite letter?
They ways easily answer 'Arrrrrrrrr'
You: You'd think that, but his first love is the C
(thank my buddy Alex for telling me that one)
Gregitt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:26:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometime in the 1980s, Michael Jackson opened up a denim store.
It failed miserably, which is why there is absolutely no documentation about it.
He called it "Billie Jeans"
improbablyagirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite kid joke : how many tables does it take to make a squid laugh? -ten tickles!
bverezub ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs this zoo. The zoo is world famous for one reason and one reason only. Their gorilla. The zoo has an extremely intelligent gorilla that pulls tourists out of every country in the world. One day, the gorilla dies and the zooโs manager is concerned that people will stop coming. He tells one of his most recent employees to put on a gorilla costume and get into the gorilla cage. The employee complied and gets into the costume, and then the cage. For the next few days, the zoo gets its highest numbers of visitor they have ever recorded. The man in the costume impresses the crowd more everyday. One day, the man does his most daring stunt: he climbs out of the gorilla cage, and climbs on top of the lion cage. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blows. All eyes are on the gorilla. The man loses his grip and falls into the lion cage! The lion begins to approach the gorilla, and the man begins to panic. He yells for help and tries to take off the suit. The lion is right behind him and the man in the gorilla suit throws himself against the walls of the cage to yell for help again. All of a sudden, everything goes dark. The man thinks the lion has killed him and he has come to the afterlife. The mans thinks about his entire life in the darkness for a few moments. His wife, his children, his dog. All of a sudden, he hears a voice, โIโm gonna let you go of your head now. Donโt move or weโll both get fired.โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There it is! Tom said, pointedly.
caros92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 scottsmen walk out of a bar
KoodooWarrior ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:52 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bit late I know but... How do you know when your sister's started her period? Your Dad's cock tastes funny
magnakai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:06:25 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the burglar cut the legs off his bed?
pimpslice13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:41:19 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
teebatch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:22:42 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef Stroganoff.
Whitesheep34 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:00 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar
He orders a beer and a mop
iandouglas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:14 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock. (who's there) Control Freak. Now this is where YOU say "control freak who?"
Klippymcmuffin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:55:50 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
24.
bnamsrom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:39 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's funnier than 24?
fetuspenis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:42 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
Shortbutsureisskinny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:17 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between jelly and jam?..............I cant jelly my dick up your ass.
2d_active ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:10 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always love reading these threads and tell myself to remember some of them but I can never remember. This is the only one that's ever stuck to me:
Two hunters are walking through the woods and get lost as the day's light begins to fade. The trees around them grow increasingly bare and all of a sudden, they break into a small clearing with an enormous hole at its centre. They peer over its edge and see nothing but blackness. Curious, they drop a branch in and wait for the sound of it hitting the bottom but after a full minute of silence they look at each other in surprise.
"Maybe the branch was too light to make a loud enough sound?" muses one of them, so they look around and find a large rock. The two of them heave against it and manage to roll it over the edge.
Again, they wait. After a while, they hear something that starts off as a low murmur. They look at each other with wide eyes as the murmur grows into a wail and then into a scream. Suddenly, a goat charges out of the trees, runs straight past them, and dives into the hole.
Terrified, the hunters run back into the woods and eventually make it out. It's almost night now and they see the shadowy silhouette of a man walking towards them. They panic and raise their guns but the man shouts out "Hey!".
"Who are you?" ask the hunters.
"I'm a farmer and that there is my farm," he replies, pointing over his shoulder. "I'm looking for my goat, have you seen it?"
"We saw a goat run right into a giant hole back in the woods!" say the hunters.
The farmer scratches his head, perplexed. "Well how the hell did he do that, he was tied to a rock!"
SPAKMITTEN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:54:03 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my wife and I just had a massive fight because apparently I spend too much time on the playstation
What a stupid thing to fallout 4
HarbingerAK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:32:05 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old woman takes her great dane to the vet. Vet says, what seems to be the problem maam ? Well, the old woman says, everytime I bend over in front of my dog he's on me in a flash humping me. The vet says, so you want him neutered then ? Oh heavens no the woman says, if you could just trim his nails and do something about his breath that would be fine.
onederful2018 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:23:51 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man got on an elevator and accidentally elbowed a woman. The gentleman said โMaโam, if your heart is as soft as your breast is, I know youโll forgive meโ. The woman replied, โSir, if your cock is as hard as your elbow is, Iโm in room 301!โ.
teenyweenypeenie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:34 on April 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is E.T. short for?
He doesnโt have very long legs
FreakyLeak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:00 on May 1, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One looks to the other and says, "Is it me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin says, "What the fuck, its a talking muffin!"
HydrogenTank ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:47 on May 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We have a drink named after you"
The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Stanley?"
Quizzika ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:29:31 on May 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather has the heart of a lion....
and a lifetime ban from the Cincinnati Zoo.
thedonutcalledjonah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:01:41 on May 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Irish furniture?
Patty OโFurniture
belkeSMASH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:31:27 on June 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I leave a room and plan on โbeing right backโ I announce โ Iโll be white blackโ
I donโt think itโs funny but there are riots in the streets when I say it..
R0b045 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:07 on June 10, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A house maid is asking a woman for a raise for her work and the woman asks why, the house maid says "Well for one, I'm better at cooking than you" Woman/ wife, flustered says "and who told you that?" House maid says "your husband" Wife is astonished and says "what else" Housemaid says "I'm also better at cleaning than you" Wife clearly irritated asks "And who told you that!?" House maid says "your husband" The wife is furious House maid says "and furthermore, I'm better at sex than you" Wife is confused "who told you that?" House maid says "the mail man".
Kills every time
Supreme_Elephant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:22:46 on June 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar.
What does he say?
Ouch.
Eclaire468 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:14 on June 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(1) What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll hang around.
(2) What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know...and I don't care.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:14 on July 6, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nerd jokes:
Why do physics students cram their homework?
Because they work better under pressure!
How does a mathematician bake a perfectly round cake?
He preheats the oven to 360 degrees!
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Five; one to change it, and four to ask why she wants to change it!
How does a Jedi scientist put his powers to use? He uses the mass times acceleration!
apalmiter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:43 on July 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kid Friendly: What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
apalmiter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:47 on July 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin when he was standing outside the bat-car?
Robin! Get in the bat-car!
thank Microsoftโs Clippy for that one :)
ashill85 ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 22:04:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The WNBA.
canalaunt ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:39:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You definitely gotta sort by controversial to get the best ones.
Cualquiera10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/nba FTW
Naxxremel ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:55:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And I clicked this thread thinking there's no such thing as a never-fail joke.
Lord_Punchings ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:22:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok. I'm really sorry about this joke, everyone. Here goes.
There's a chimp living in the jungle. He's a very clever chimp, always making little inventions to make his life easier; he's particularly proud of two items he invented to eat his dinner with.
The first is a stick, which he has whittled and sharpened so it has a handle he can hold at one end, and a blade at the other which he can use to cut his dinner up with. He calls this his 'one-point tool', because it tapers to a point (naming his inventions isn't a talent he possesses, but he's a chimp. It's ok.)
The second is a couple of sticks lashed together with a piece of vine - what he's done there is split and sharpen the ends of the sticks, so he can use them to spear bits of his dinner and put them in his mouth. Because it has four spikes at the end - tines, if you like (he doesn't know that word) - he calls this his 'four-point tool'.
Anyway, one morning he wakes up to find his four-point tool missing! Obviously he's very distraught, so off he trots into the jungle to find his missing cutlery.
First up, he meets a python. "Python, python,'" he says, "have you seen my four-point tool?" The python thinks for a second. Everyone in the jungle knows of the chimp's clever inventions, but sadly: "Sorry, chimp - I haven't seen your four-point tool."
Moving on, the chimp meets a toucan. "Toucan, toucan," he says, "have you seen my four-point tool?" The toucan thinks for a second: "Sorry, chimp - I haven't seen your four-point tool"
Despondent and losing hope, the chimp happens upon a jaguar sunning itself in a clearing, looking very smug. "Jaguar, jaguar," says the chimp, "have you seen my four-point tool?"
A second's pause.
"Yes, chimp. I have seen your four-point tool."
"Oh! Please, jaguar, could you tell me where you saw it?"
"Well, I ate it."
The chimp, baffled, asks "But... why would you...?"
"Because I am a four-point tool-eater jaguar."
imonmyphoneirl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:53:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dude what?
Iamnotpicklerick ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:31:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4.2 liter jaguar, is my guess?
imonmyphoneirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, most likely correct
roxxe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i dont get it
MarBear723 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:57:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
iammiroslavglavic ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:41:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the worst part about eating vegetables....putting them back on their wheelchairs
Harambe_MilkBabys ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:44:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
Miroudias ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:15:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Were you going to cite your cut and paste, or no?
Harambe_MilkBabys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its been copied multiple times but I got it from /u/fnhs90
iRazor8 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:09:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
mikepictor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
one of my all time favs
FatCatTitties ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:29:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you circumcise a redneck? You kick his sister in the chin!
oddvkngr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:40:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm. Looks at his wife and Says " hey babe, just wanted you to know this is the pig I'm fucking"
The wife interjects.
"You dummy thats not a pig, it's a duck"
"I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!"
This was the first joke my dad taught me.
It's been pretty solid.
B1GMANN94 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:40:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke but during some back and forth banter I like using:
โIs your ass jealous of the shit thatโs coming out of your mouth?โ
SamaelAcost ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:48:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know that old trick with the dog and the peanut butter? Yeah, that shit works on retarded kids too.
i-Was-A-Teenage-Tuna ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Downvoted for a funny joke? Not on my watch!
imACation ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:45:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
context of people talking about where theyโre from โIโm from a hospital!โ
its-fewer-not-less ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in Ralph Wiggum's voice
middleagenotdead ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:17:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have two, one for adults and one for everybody.
Why do women prefer Jewish men in bed?
They can't resist anything that's 10% off.
And for everyone,
A duck walks in to a pharmacy to buy some chapstick. The cashier asks how he wants to pay for it. The ducks response, Just put it on my bill.
spenshu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.
I know it's stupid, but it gets me every time
fnhs90 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:48:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Never fails to make me laugh and make people look weirdly at me
redundancy2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:34:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a blind girl ever tells you that you have a big dick, she's probably just pulling your leg.
TotallyNotAsian420 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:39:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
lefteardud ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Ok, here goes...
...Joke, Joke, Jooooooooooooooke...
๐ค๐คท๐ผโโ๏ธ
weeniehead1313 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frogs finger
Chubtoaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is a joke that'll make you look trashy, and it's a shame because I secretly think it's funny.
Treedubz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:37:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI want to see a list of r/jokes reposts.โ
bmxmc89 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Jewish Son goes to his Dad and says, Dad can I have 50 dollars. To which the Dad replies 40 dollars what do you need 30 dollars for.
skatetilifly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the pussy fruit joke.
A guy is walking through the market when a vendor gets his attention. He says that he spells special fruit that has two in one.
He says here, try a Melon-Pear. I pick it up and take a bite but it only tastes like Melon. The vendor says "turn it around turn it around" I turn it around and take a bite.. holy shit it tastes like pears now.
So i pick another one up, take a bite and it tastes like pineapple. The vendor says "turn it around turn it around" I turn around the strange fruit and take a bite, WOW it tastes exactly like a Banana now!
I pick up another fruit and take a bite. GROSS it tastes like Sh*t! "turn it around turn it around"
SirPsycoSxy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:09:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im a ginger, so I get the whole "You have no soul" shtick pretty often.
"Oh, well then I guess thats why I don't feel bad about what I did to your mom last night."
hungoverhank ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a duck sing?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
xX_DankSwagMasta_Xx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt two Asians make a Caucasian baby?
2 Wongโs never make a white.
im-ok-i-guess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a little boy are walking through the woods at night. The little boy tugs on the manโs sleeve and says โMister mister Iโm really scared!!โ
The man replies: โYou think youโre scared kid? I have to walk back alone!โ
thenightmancummeth ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:40:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into the doctors room with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his arse. The doctor says โThat doesnโt look too goodโ, to which the guy replies โItโs just the tip of the icebergโ
lawlietskyy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, its literally a thread of reposts.
penis_not_found ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:04:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young man wants to ask his long time crush to prom. He finally musters up the courage to ask, and to his surprise, she says โyes, but you have to buy the tickets.โ The guy is feeling over the moon, so he agrees to buy the tickets and runs to the school box office where the tickets are sold. The guy is greeted by a very long line that stretches out the door. The guy waits patiently in the line and after 20 minutes he is able to buy the tickets. He goes back to his soon to be date and proudly proclaims, โI have the tickets, now we can go to prom!โ The girl looks at him befuddled and says, โoh no no no, thereโs still so much more to do, you have to get a tux!โ Exasperated, but still high on his dates acceptance, the guy agrees to go rent a tuxedo. When the guy reached the fitting store, he is greeted with another line, this time taking 40 minutes to get through. The guy finally reaches the end of the line and is fitted for a tuxedo. He calls his date and says โokay, I have the tickets, and the tux, we can go to prom now right?โ The girl bursts out laughing and says โnot until you rent us a limo!โ The guy is in utter despair now, but he accepts and goes to the limo rental shop. When he gets to the limo shop, the guy is faced with another line, twice as long as the last line, which was twice as long as the first. After 80 minutes of impatiently tapping his foot, the guy is finally able to rent a limo. The guy calls his date and says, โokay, I have, the tickets, a tux, and a limo rental, can we please, for the love of god, go to prom now?โ The girl seems taken aback by the guyโs hostility but proceeds to tell him โone last step, now we just need dinner reservations.โ The guyโs eyes bulge out of his skull when he hears this and heโs already having flashbacks to the last 3 long lines. The girl continues, โbut they do phone reservations, so I can do that. So Iโll see you tomorrow for prom?โ The guy breathes a large sigh of relief and courteously says good bye. The next day, the guy and the girl have a wonderful dinner date before prom. But when they get to prom and start dancing, they only manage to get jiggy for around 10 minutes before the girl gets very tired. โI need to go sit down for a minute,โ she says โwill you go get me some punch from the concession table?โ The guy agrees and starts to walk towards the door to the concession room. When he opens the door, he nearly bumps right into someone who appears to be waiting in a very, very long line. The guy almost breaks down in tears when he sees this line. But then he realizes, the line he is seeing is for the coat check, and the concessions are in the corner. He looks over at the concession table, dreading with every fiber of his being, the sight of a line. But as it turns out, thereโs no punchline.
TL;DR
Thereโs no punchline.
NorthChan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are these things called paragraphs. No one wants to read that wall of text.
charleseh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Real_Srossics ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 20:10:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many babies can I fit into my bathtub?
11, 15 if theyโre blended.
How do I remove said babies?
Tortilla chips.
TopLeaf ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 20:33:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke never fails huh....
Real_Srossics ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:35:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, no.
Some people would be pissed off if you told them. Donโt tell those people; know the person well enough first.
TopLeaf ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're 12 right?
Julian_rc ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:01:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I highly doubt a 12 year old could be so edgy
Mortimer14 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:25:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hang around 12 year olds a lot do you?
Real_Srossics ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:55:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, Iโm 12 and a half!
goes offscreen for a second โMOM, SOME LOSER CALLED ME TWELVE!โ
Notjustnow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:20:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not with the 7th grade boys.
shorthanded ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 20:41:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats the difference between a mercedes and a pile of dead babies?
well i don't have a fucking mercedes in the garage, do i
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:53:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats more grim then a bag full of dead babies?
A live one at the bottom trying to gnaw its way out.
Notjustnow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Collecting hands?
ze_ex_21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caaaaarl!!
shinypretty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This rules.
Real_Srossics ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would give this gold if I wasnโt poor.
Julian_rc ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:02:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop being poor you piece of shit
puthisrecordown ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 20:29:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how many babies does it take to paint a wall? depends how hard you throw them!
vornskrs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
which is easier to unload, a truck of dead babies or a truck full of bowling balls? Truck full of dead babies, you can use a pitchfork.
vornskrs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:54:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how do you make a dead baby float?....
two scoops of dead baby and 12 oz of of cola.
WestCoastHopHead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:17:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, gawd. Props for giving me something I haven't seen before, you sicko.
Real_Srossics ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:31:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Either they get it and think itโs goddamn hilarious, or they get it and think itโs the worst thing imaginable. I donโt need that kind of negativity in my life.
sander314 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Or they reply 'my wife just had a miscarriage'. You cringe and stop telling dead baby jokes forever ... :o
MyUserNameTaken ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's 12 inches long and makes women cry.....
traffick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:56:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm offended!
shinypretty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dead-baby jokes were the staple of my early teen years. Along with "armless and legless guy" jokes.
CantfindanameARGH ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:05:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One sees you later, the other... after a while.
chibibindi ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:27:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken!
peanutthewoozle ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 21:49:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it as "to get to the idiots house"
chibibindi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:32:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awh, I've never heard that before! It was such a wholesome silly joke the first time I heard it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
froggie-style-meme ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:04:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get why people still argue about abortion. It's such a dead subject.
DILFhunt3r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:55:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Aids.
mateye6 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:57:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"
PatchyJosh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a little kid that absolutely loved tractors when he started watching them when he was 2, so for his 3rd birthday his parents bought him a toy tractor. He started ignoring the rest of his toys to just play with that all day, everyday, pushing it all around his house and kindergarten, and taking it anywhere else he went.
He got a little bit older and still had his love for tractors, so on his 10th birthday, his dad said "Alright son, you're a little bit older now, so here's a mini tractor for you to play around with outside."
The boy was ecstatic, and ran out straight away to start riding this tractor around the yard and block, and spent his entire teens going anywhere he could with it.
He turned 18, and his dad came to up to say "OK son, you're a man now, here's a proper tractor for you."
He loved his new tractor, and started taking it for runs to the grocery store, out to clubs, and basically using is it in lieu of a car.
One day, he was taking his tractor down a road in the middle of nowhere during a storm, and it broke down, leaving him stranded while he waited for help to make it's its way out. Given that there was no real warmth and the gaps in the windows were letting rain in, he decided a car would have been better, and that maybe tractors aren't so great after all.
A few years later, he's driving down the same kind of road in a car, and notices that there's a house on fire. He pulls over to see what he can do to help, and a lady comes running out telling him that her baby is trapped inside and that he needs to call the emergency services for her.
He looks at her and says "Don't worry ma'am, I can help here."
The man takes a few massive breaths in and the fire just disappears.
The lady, astonished, looks at him and says "That's amazing! How did you do that?"
He simply replies with "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
SunChipMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your Dad's dick tastes like blood.
Gets 'em every time.
L4Cgamer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?
No, ur jokes are shit
Thats the spirit
Splashforce ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:14:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys live in an insane asylum. And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!
debo1979 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:16:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pull my finger
4rsmit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:22:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Blonde have "fool" and "his money" tattooed on her thighs?
Because even a Blonde knows that a fool and his money are soon parted.
Yourdadgivesgoodhead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
Dam.
MildlySorry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhhhh.
Scamperillium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I gave a flower to a cowboy, he said 'what in carnation?'
Go-to nsfw joke
If i was a dj, my name would be Dj Scratch-atory Rape, because I don't care how old the records are
TH0RMINATHOR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon
Oneiropticon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks if he has problems with shit stocking to his fur, and the rabbit says no. So the bear picks up the rabbit, and wipes his ass with him.
Now, back in the eighties, Eddie Murphy used to be funny. Some of you might remember this. He had this special, and at the end he told the audience that he knew they'd go back to work and try a ff tell their buddies some of the jokes, and it wouldn't work. Not their fault, they just aren't Eddie Murphy. So here's a joke they can tell, easy not too fuck it up, and it's funny.
Now, I told you all that to tell you this:
In the eighties, my parents were going through rough times. One kid, and moving from one side of the country to the other to live at a military base. They're broke, and in a time crunch, so they drive until they can't, and sleep in the car on the side of the road.
One night, my father is awoken by my mother, who is stressing out, and can't sleep. 'Tell me a joke,' she says. And this being the first joke my farther can come up with in his bleary state, out comes the bear and the rabbit joke.
Dead. Silence.
Well, figures my dad, he's awful tired, and maybe didn't actually say it all out loud, so he tries again.
'No, I heard you. It just wasn't funny.'
Now that couldn't be right. He knows the joke is funny. Eddie Murphy told him so.
So he tells it again, confident he's awake now. My mother is exasperated by this point, and turned over to sleep.
Months pass. They're both working multiple jobs, the kid is belligerent and developing a southern accent, mom's getting stressed out again. Early in the morning, she nudges him awake, 'Tell me a joke!'
'Whu? Oh. A bear and a rabbit-'
sigh and off she goes to sleep. Repeat every few months to much the same effect. 'Hey hon, I'm heading home, and I saw we're out of milk, so I'll pick some up on my way. I love you, and a bear and a rabbit-' click.
They move again. At a party of mostly my father's friends, the split to mingle. Dad wanders to where a group of guys are telling jokes. Eventually they turn to him, 'okay, your turn to tell a joke'
'Well. I really only know one joke any more.' And her tells the bear and the rabbit joke, and people laugh, because it's funny. Eddie Murphy said so.
But wait, one observant jokester thinks, why is that the only joke he knows? So he tells them the story so far, and as funny as the joke is, the story is so much funnier!
So the jokes keep going around the circle, and eventually my mother walks up.
'Hey!' Starts the observant jokester, 'I just heard a great joke! A bear and a rabbit' and without looking she smacks my father in the chest, naturally assuming he'd put his friends up to it, and that's even funnier!
Fast forward maybe 5 years. Now they're divorced, surprise surprise. Dad is just starting to date someone, and one night she starts telling jokes, and they're having a great time. She asks him to tell a joke, and he admits that he really only knows one joke, and starts to tell the bear and the rabbit joke, before she interrupts him, 'wait, that was you?'
Swicket ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a farmer had a pterodactyl, and
EEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH [as long and screechy as possible]
was his name-o!
Magnetic_Knives ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:38:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I always thought the farmer was named Bingo. I'm fuckin stupid
Lyons_Pride95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:28:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tell people how my day is going.
Porphyrogennetos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:29:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 old women are sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them by surprise. The first two women have a stroke, the third... she couldn't reach.
j-6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:46:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love to hear โCome on Eileenโ in a bar, and ask whatโs grosser than Grease on Olivia Newton John. Then I point at the jukebox when the chorus hits.
octopodesrex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:05:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
InterstellarBlind ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:06:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do flamingoes stand on one leg?
Because if they tried to stand on no legs, they'd fall over!
rscottyb86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:06:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lady goes to the dentist. Dentist says "we're gonna have to pull this tooth" Lady says "OOOOO! I'd rather have a baby!" Dentist says "make up your mind. I gotta adjust the chair"
Alchemist_XP ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Well one is really heavy and the other is just a little lighter. ๐ค
QuiteKnave298 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do most lawyers where neckties?
To keep they're foreskin from rolling up over their eyes.
Magnetic_Knives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
QuiteKnave298 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's comparing to lawyers to uncircumcised dicks aka dickhead
ryuk8980 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing it just waved ๐๐
BIZNIKK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
Lebanon_Levi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has Michael Jackson and Santa got in common? They both empty their sack in little boys rooms.
boodabaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9
...doesn't work very well written down.
playhandminton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you duct tape guinea pigs?
So they don't burst when you fuck them
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
Literarylunatic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women have boobs?
So you got something to look at while youโre talking to them (repeat x3)
MDAccount ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I asked my wife this. Her response was, โbecause they marry them.โ
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
(Answer is always "No")
Well the one I fucked did.
kempmesilly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When people tell me where they are from this is my answer 90% of the time, โwhereโs that?โ Said with a straight face.
It usually goes like this,
Me: โWhere are you from?โ
Them; โSan Diego, California.โ
Me: โWhereโs that?โ
Them; โ...โ
My favorite joke!
rvnnt09 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Preist,a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.
He orders a drink
MourtyMourtMourt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a Lamborghini and a bag of dead babies?
I donโt have a Lamborghini in my garage
... I know. Itโs fucked
GrimaceIVXX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
w0ahhitsbritt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is gonna be buried but..
wanna hear a joke about trash?
Never mind. Itโs garbage.
Kelloggs_Brimblebop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
True
lilyhasasecret ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why doesn't a robots have any brothers?
Because they only have trans sisters
Fuelsean ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd the bird fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why'd the next bird fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why'd the next bird fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
Award930 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:30:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blonde say when she walked into the bar?
โOuchโ
Never fails to get a chuckle.
haydukee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was like 10, I made one up, or maybe I stole it from a friend? What did the two oceans say to each other? Nothing, they just waved
ThePotatoMuffin347 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A long time ago there was a like and on three sides of the lake each was a kingdom. The first kingdom was very wealthy and a huge tourist trap. The second kingdom, while not as well off as the first, still did well. The third kingdom was dirt poor and so shitty the plague didn't even bother.
One day a war breaks out over the lake as it is a valuable resource. The first kingdom sends one hundred knights the best equipment and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends seventy five knights with decent armor and weapons with about fifty squires to attend to the whole army. The third kingdom sends It's only remaining warrior, an elderly knight with rusted and dented armor, a broken sword, and his grandson as a squire.
The day before the battle the knights from the first two kingdoms are so sure of their victory they prematurely celebrate and get totally plastered, while the young man hangs a noose over a branch in a tree to hold a pot over a fire and shares a nice home cooked meal with his grandfather. The next morning, all of the knights from the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight and the old man from the third Can't get up, so all of the squires take up arms and fight in their masters' sted. When the dust settles the last one standing is the young boy from the third kingdom.
And that just goes to show you that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Rotary20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When i got to the punchline i was slowly dying a bit more every word i read...
Fortunecookie103 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work when written out, but this has been my go-to quick-fire joke for years:
what's the most important part of a joke? The timing
But you say have to time "the timing" awkwardly quick. It sounds dumb what it always gets a laugh because it's so stupid
jsqwild ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
<Said as a fake, pick up line.>
Hey, did you hear the news story this morning that two pythons got out of their enclosure at the local zoo?? Oh, but donโt worry, I found them. flex both of your arms and pose
doesnt_reallymatter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was this giant gold hand. It sat and guarded its treasure in a cave above a little village. The village was a common stop for knights who were passing through. So the knights would hear tales of the treasures that lie above guarded by the big gold hand. Many a knight would try and fail to over come the beast. All were slain. One day a knight rose to the challenge. His page said โsir you mustnโt. Please allow me to go in your stead!!! The world needs you and so many have tried and failed. Allow me!!!โ So the page scales the mountain up to the cave. He sees the giant gold hand and, trembling with fear, walks right in and grabs as much treasure as he can carry. Trip after trip, the page goes back and forth until all the treasure is taken and collected by the knight waiting below.
So yeah, always let your page do the walking through the yellow fingers.
gaveedraseven ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:58:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to, never fail joke is actually a failue:
Two ropes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the first rope "Hey, are you a rope?"
The rope says "yes, I am."
The bartender pulls out a gun and shoots him.
The second rope runs outside and thinks "what am I going to do?"
The rope decidedes to wrap himself all up and mess up his ends and walks back into the bar.
The bartender points his gun at the rope and says "aren't you a rope?"
The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot."
iWizardB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:03:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Asian is trying to get his Yen converted to dollars at the airport Forex counter.
Asian: How many dolla fo 100 Yen?
Clerk: $80.
Asian: Why 80? Last week I got $90.
Clerk: Fluctuation.
Asian: gasp Fuck you white people too.
Twitstein ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:15:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were reminiscing about the best bars they'd visited around the world.
The Englishman says, 'The 'First Inn, Last Out' in Whitby.
A free accordian band, freshest stout ale, with free boilermaker every third drink, buxom barmaids who enjoy some slap n tickle, and gin rummy til three in the morning. Best bar in the world."
The Frenchman, " But zis iz nussing! In Paris, a brasserie which stays open til five in zee morning, a complimentary bottle of champagne on entry, free CanCan girls entertainment, and zee girls come and sit in your lap after every dance. Best bar in zee world."
Paddy chimes in, 'No no, you can't beat the Rocks Pub in Sydney.
Entry is free. Band is free. Drinks are free all night. And, at the end of the night they take you upstairs to your own room for free, where you get to screw your brains out, all for free!"
The Frenchman looks skeptical, then says, 'Awwww, come on, Paddy, zis did not really happen to you'.
Paddy replies, 'Well, no, it didn't happen to me, but it happened to me sister."
woxylady ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me; Wanna play the rape game?
Person: No!
Me: Thatโs the spirit!
Wylaff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:25:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 scientists walk into a bar. The first says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O." The second says "I'll have a glass of, wait a second. Why wouldn't you just order a glass of water? Why do you always have to over-complicate things?"
The first looks into the bottom of his glass, disappointed that his assassination attempt has failed.
tonermcfly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:52:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you call a gay milkman? ...a dairy queen.
giantsrocker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was a 6 month old African baby crying.....
Cz he was having a midlife crisis.
I've made friends and enemies equally over that joke.
bobshigity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat mop
JournalofFailure ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:41:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer's wife is in bed when her husband comes into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He says, "look at the pig I'm fucking."
"You idiot," says the wife, "that's not a pig, it's a sheep."
The farmer replies, "I was talking to the sheep."
charleseh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:23:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blind, deaf, mute kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Stooby2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:40:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They have finally found a cure for dyslexia, which is music to my arse.
awrinkle1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:12:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Mexican magician? He told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three.
He counted โUno! Dos! POOFโ and disappeared without a Tres.
spidahjace316 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:29:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a joke and 5 black guy?
Your mom canโt take a joke
PopeGuss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:34:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 whales walk into a bar. Bartender walks up to the first whale and says "what'll it be, pal?" Whale says "aaaooooooohhhhhhh". The 2nd whale punches the first whale "Shut the fuck up, Larry. You're drunk."
sh1ftyswar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats the hardest part about making love to a 8 year old boy?
getting the blood stains out of your clown costume
josef-k-cider ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:35:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really funny guy 420: Hey did you hear about that celebrity that was stabbed outside their hotel this morning? Shit what's their name....Reese something.....Reese
Some fuckin dumbass about to get shanghaied: Whitherspoon?
Really funny guy 420: No with a knife
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ธ
quickismymaidenname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.
Jpano6890 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a polish girl pregnant? Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest
commi_furious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:54:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel ashamed. Can you explain it...
Jpano6890 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:35:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Her vajina smells as bad as her feet
chupathingy99 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got green hair and any time someone asks me how I'm feeling, I tell them I'm feeling a little green.
tbag403 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:00:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
met this lady in hollywood, she had green hair but damn she looked good.
Dupragon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:03:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I recently found out that I'm about ten percent Polish. Which is weird I always imagined if anything I'd be Roman based on my having nailed a Jew.
I'm a black guy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are cooking in the oven. The first muffin turns to the second and says
"Sure is hot in here huh?"
The second muffin turns to the first and says
"OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
((this joke requires yelling the last line with the best shocked/surprised face you can put on, the more over the top the better))
WaulsTexLegion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say knock knock...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:14:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
splim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:21:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. Epic.
Atemu12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A dark joke is like food, not everyone gets it.
Papa_A_Dog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:22:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I would say my life, but oh boy does that one fail a lot.
LeCreamCakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say: I can't believe they have been together so long!
They will ask "who"? Say: Your butt cheeks!
Fatboyonadiet4lyf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:37:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've never tried venison
It's always been too dear for me
itsjakebradley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going through a awkward stage in my life right now. I can't decide whether to stick to the 3rd notch in my belt or commit to the 4th. The 3rd is too loose, but the 4th is just too tight.
Girls think it's funny anyway.
HGStormy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my face
wizardpuke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
HeyAndrewItsMeMitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
bogberry_pi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin right before they got in the batmobile?
"Get in the Batmobile."
Cedrinho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask your straight friend if they want to take a little sex quiz. You mention sexual positions, they give a score out of 10. Example: "Missionary." - "8/10." Do this say 2 or 3 times. Then ask: "A blowjob." - They'll answer with a score. And then you go "Getting a blowjob." and watch them realise what their previous answer meant...
(Joke adjustible to women, lgbtq, ... just make sure you know the sexual orientation of your audience :-) )
Chrisrules334 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Get your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
Spatbat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A family of finches live together in a tree. They all look the same, except for one of the new baby boys - his beak is longer than normal.
His sister asks "Mother, why is brother's beak different than mine?" Their mother replies "I always feared you would ask. It's a secret, so you can't tell anyone, but your brother is adapted."
redwires ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I wouldnโt pay $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
pinstripepride46 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Big_Ol_Boy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do blind people walk their dog so much?
dart_catcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, coincidentally both pooping at the same time next to each other. The bear asks the rabbit, โdo you have any problems with poo sticking to your fur?โ
The rabbit replies โnope, no problemsโ
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.
azumane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few:
What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's really heavy, one's a little lighter.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Zapp---Brannigan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What happened to the cannibal when he showed up late for dinner?" "He was given the cold shoulder!"
OmegaZuluIX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:48:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall down the stairs. Ba-dum tissssss.
EarlyRetirementWorld ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:48:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear is taking a shit in the woods. A rabbit hops by, so the bear says "Hey Rabbit! You ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "Nope."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
stevehoweistheman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:50:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife can't wrestle, but you should see her box.
Delphox4000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:50:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What so great about twenty two year olds? Thereโs twenty of them
Stryker412 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesnโt Santa have kids?
He only comes once a year!
the_woah_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whose there
Interrupting cow
Interrupting co....
MOOOOO!
CathrinFelinal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
dieliketherest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Waking up
oldenbka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:54:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the name of a man with a rubber toe?
Hommedanslechapeau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Phil.
Whizzmaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:54:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've been telling this one for years.
A man walks into a library and loudly asks the librarian, "Hi, uh, can I get a cheeseburger?
The librarian is a bit annoyed and responds, "Keep it down! This is a library!"
"Oh, sorry," the man whispers back, "NOW can I have a cheeseburger?"
oldenbka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:54:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roberto
sipes216 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:54:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Prime numbers.
Buzz_Nutter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:56:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar...
peterson2111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:56:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel the same way about striped shirts as I do about slaves. I don't wanna be friends with anyone who owns one of them.
Spaghetti_Asker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 8 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered six offender.
ClozetSkeleton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an egg that is turnt?
Omlettee
Asddsa76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow, normed, and complete? A Bananach space!
clubberin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
chicken voice Bโcause!!!
matthotlips ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no tablets in the jungle?
Because the parrots-eat-em-all
APearce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man in a skydiving class asks his girlfriend, who signed them up for this, "W-w-w-what if the p-p-p-parachute d-d-doesn't work?" She smiles and tells him to just follow her out, count to four, and pull the cord. She jumps first, counts, and pulls the cord, and a body falls past her at high speed screaming "T-T-T-T-T-TWOOOOOOOOO!"
JohnTheMod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and sees a couple slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks him to explain.
โWell,โ says the bartender, โwe have a little challenge here. The regulars love it. What you have to do is jump as high as you can and try and touch the meat. If you can touch the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you canโt, you have to buy a round for the house. So what do you think? Wanna try it?โ
The man thinks about it for a minute.
โOn second thought, I think Iโll pass. The steaks are too high.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a corpse goes around the corner and drops dead
justparanoid72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says in a very angry tone "we don't serve food here"
fatesepics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, we dont surve your kind here. Mushroom says, why? I'm a fun guy...
BeeAreNumberOne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a pub, and takes a seat at the bar. While waiting for the bartender so he could order, he started looking around the room.
A few seats down from him, he notices this pirate, and he's got a big ol boat wheel suck to his groin. Out of wonder the man asks "do you know you've got a wheel on your crotch?"
"YARRRR. IT DRIVES ME NUTS"
ImJustSo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Duck, I'm having a brain fart.
Edit: autocorrect is my worst enema. :(
g_yotch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Napoleon hide his armies?
Hommedanslechapeau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Russia.
DanTheStripe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A small blue bird made of mahogany.
Would be great if I had a related joke, wooden tit?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
whatzit__tooya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:17 on May 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
oh my fuckin god u posted this
JadeEyePanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Which ethnicity are you?"
"Korean, last I was told by the parents. They haven't lied to me yet."
sharrrp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any random Mitch Hedberg quote. Such as but not limited too:
"I think Bigfoot IS blurry. That's the problem."
"I went the store and I saw Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Salami and I was like C'mon Turkey, just be yourself."
"When someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're saying 'Here, you throw this away.' "
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There should never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign. It should only say Escalator Temporarily Stairs."
Nobodieshero816 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a fear of hurdles , but got over them.
Dad joke all day but a decent ice breaker, mood changer, wingman move
Ngrin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is green and on a fence?
...
...
...
Paint
(This one never fails to stop people from telling jokes, itโs apparently joke-bottom)
Cantsmegwontsmeg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two windmills in a field.
One says to the other, "You listen to anything good lately?"
"Actually I'm a huge metal fan"
beagz4eva ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom goes to college.
Flexie83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why so Syri'ous
cherrymood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one statue say to the other statue?
havelock-vetinari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dishes!
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
Or, alternatively:
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
straight-garbage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the watermelon marry his girlfriend?
Because she cantaloupe
wei-long ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, โI wonder how deep this hole is?โ
He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.
At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across a railroad tie. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.
The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see this goat running all over the place. Itโs ziging and zaging between trees and going all over the place. Then it runs right up and dives into the hole.
Now the two men are thinking, what the hell was that? They had no idea what that goat was doing. So they decide to just keep walking.
A little ways down they run into a farmer, and the farmer asks them if theyโd seen his goat. The two men tell him that they saw a goat come running out of the woods and jump into this huge hole. But the farmer says that couldnโt have been his, cause he tied his goat to a railroad tie
scaffelpike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Lima bean and a chickpea?
I've never had a Lima bean on my face
nezumipi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dodge Dart: Bad car, good advice.
PointGuardJew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I point at my neck and grab my Jew gold and say โJew Gold Babyโ
bergeron_la ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1 pick up line at a gay bar...
"Can I push in your stool for you?"
JoblessJello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you guys like your milk chunky or smooth?
Reecehw108 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's Finger
Sometimes makes myself chuckle just thinking about it.
Gothi1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:11:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humor is like food... not everyone gets it.
FoxOctopus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:11:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?
(Other person gives any answer: yes, no, what?, go away)
Thatโs the spirit
GreenMobius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:11:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually use the train driver in Bulgaria one.
Firestar8711 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:12:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up to fight Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard that noise, And came and shot those two dead boys.
And if you donโt believe this tall tale, Ask the blind man, he saw it all.
Courtesy of my Papa who told me that every day as a kid.
Hommedanslechapeau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know this, but the last lines go,
โAnd if you donโt believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man, he saw it, too!โ
Firestar8711 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did I miss that?! Oh boy, I gotta tell my Papa heโs taught me wrong this entire time lol
billfrmaccnting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels were walking down the street. One of them was assaulted.
JaredThomasG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's round on both sides and high in the middle?
Everyone says penis first but the answer is Ohio
FullMetalJindo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the dog say when it licked sandpaper?
Rough
summervijx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate...
"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Well," says the pirate sadly, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."
billyohhs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can row a boat, canoe?
CompoundAce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a great knock knock joke, but you gotta start me off
EvilAbdy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!
Usually works.
Also: Pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel attached to his pants. Bartender asks the pirate what's up with the wheel. Pirate says "yarrr I dunno but it's drivin me nuts!"
jsc35080 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coupe only have 2 doors? If it had 4 it'd be a chicken sedan.
dirtymartini2777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why? -is a crooked letter
So!? -buttons on your underwear
Hey! -is for horses
RippinDankBonks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a French rifle for sale. Never fired, dropped once.
DockEllis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick? Still no fucking idea.
invalidsquircle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes?
So they can Scandinavian.
sideboat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stolen off of reddit of course.
I have an Epi-Pen.....My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
cherrycola429 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
jdhhdbdh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three โuno, dos...โ and then he disappears without a tres.
CyanManta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
RatMouse55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel between his legs. The bartender asks him:
โExcuse me sir but I must ask, why do you have a wheel on your crotch?โ
The pirate responds:
โArrrrr! Itโs driving me nuts!โ
styxxsardonyx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Four white horses fell in a mud puddle.
commit_bat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"How does every racist joke start?"
Then look over your shoulders
udders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A leper walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve lepers here." The leper says "I understand," and leaves.
He goes to a second bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve lepers here." The leper says "I understand," and leaves.
The leper goes to a third bar. He asks for a glass of water and the bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve lepers here."
"Look," says the leper, "I've been to two other bars already. I don't want to cause any problems. I just want a glass of water, then I'll leave."
The bartender feels sorry for the leper and tells him to have a seat over at the table in the corner. He brings the leper a glass of water, throws up, then walks away. A few minutes later, he comes back and refills the lepers cup, throws up, and leaves. A few minutes later, he comes back a third time and does the same thing. The leper says "look, if I'm making you sick I can just leave."
"No, it's not you," says the bartender, "it's the blind man beside you. He's dipping his Doritos in your arm."
TL;DR - Just read the same joke, it's hilarious!
AtakuHydra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whos there
Owl
Owl who?
I didnt know you were related to owls
ResponsibleGoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.
TroutOfOrder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are the ten letters of the pirate alphabet? Aye Aye, Arrrr, and the Seven Seas.
glorgifypetey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the dog cross the road? He was on* paws
paxrititu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the corduroy pillow cases? Theyโre really making headlines.
Sophex_Ekko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one will sometimes confuse people but I've learned the best setting of when to use it now and I have a pretty high laugh ratio for it.
It's actually pretty simple, if someone offers you say food or something no alcoholic, you say "no thanks I have to drive later." I've gotten quite a few laughs out of this and lots of girls giving the "haha you're stupid" line.
JLucasNewShitTooLit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can decide if you're 12 or a 12 yr Olds dad. ๐ค
mr_walrus_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A seal walked into a club.
installmentplan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
AtakuHydra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine a butterfly farting
shaidyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many ska bands does it take to get pizza for dinner?
Two. One to place the order, and one to PICKITUPPICKITUPPICKITUP.
frozenthroneashu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station and others a busty crustacean.
sevargmas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cowboys are sitting on a tailgate. Along comes a stray dog, lays down, and starts licking himself. One cowboy says to the other, โ Man I wish I could do that.โ The other cowboy responds, โThat dog will bite yoouuu.โ
I_LOVE_STAMP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you spot a nosy pepper?
When it's jal-up-in-yo-business
I dressed up as a clown once for halloween at an old job and offered a joke for tips and only told that one joke and earned $100 myself that night.
GibletsTime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the puma get along so great with other pumas? Because he had a great sense of puma.
fudgyvmp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldnโt come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help. The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first. They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch. Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Huโs feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere. Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water. Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond. โWhy didnโt you take Wilโs hand?โ he asked Hu. โYou could have drowned.โ โWhy should I take his hand now?โ Hu grumped. โI passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a hardware store to get some wood. Walks up to the counter and says "I need some 2x4's" Guy behind the counter says "sure, how long do you need them?" Guy says "Quite some time I'm building a shed"
TenaciousMV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
MsLeFever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar...it hurt.
Cephalochromoscope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm getting my funeral directing/embalming license. And away we go. You get buried with the paperwork. I'm a mourning person. I'm trying to bring back glass caskets but it remains to be seen. You can make a lot of money knowing where the bodies are buried. Embalming is draining work. I prefer the quiet types.
Magic_Marth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone tells me to shut up, or even says it when Iโm around, I point up and say โthereโs nothing above me to shutโ never fails to get a chuckle
aviato_employee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There I was balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise, when I thought to myself.... I should have made my sandwich first.
nobigideas07 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do surfer dudes cut down trees?
With a psahhhh dude
zelman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a 4 star general keep his army?
In his sleevey.
xcelllz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you leave an idiot in suspense?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasaurass
popstifer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper!
EMTlinecook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three adventurers go out on their boat to discover a new land. A month into the journey a storm comes thru and destroys the boat and the rest of the crew. The three adventurers wash up on a Island the next morning. They are greeted by cannibals who have seen quite a few adventurers and have picked up English. They tie up the three and bring them deep into the forest. The cannibals tell the adventurers that if they want a chance of getting off this island they will need to complete a task. The chief of the cannibals says they must go out into the forest and collect tens of the same fruit and then come back to the village. They release one adventurer at a time until all three begin looking. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The chief then tells the adventurer he must shove all of them into his ass without reacting in any way possible. He agrees reluctantly and begins, 1... goes in...2... struggling.. 3BLAM HE SCREAMS IN PAIN and the cannibals kill him on the spot and drag him to the fire. The second man returns soon after and is told the same. But he brought grapes. So he begins, 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9......and the man begins laughing hysterically. The cannibals kill him and drag him to the fire. now in heaven the first adventurer asks the second why he laughed and stated he was so close to making it out. The second adventurer let's out a chuckle and says, "I saw the last guy... he found watermelons"
claytonejones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that 2 yr. old pigeons die after they have sex?
Well, the one I fucked did.
CoolStoryBro_Fairy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's big, red, great during a fire and eats rocks?
A fire truck (I lied about the rocks)
Onequestion0110 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: A plane is flying with 100 bricks, but one fell out. How many are left?
A: 99
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
A: Open the door, put him in, close the door.
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
A: Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
Q: The lion had a birthday party and invited all the animals, but one couldn't come. Which one?
A: The giraffe, he was in the fridge.
Q: Sally swam through the swamp, but the crocodiles didn't eat her. Why not?
A: They were at the lion's birthday party.
Q: Sally died anyway. What happened to her?
A: A brick fell from the sky and hit her on the head.
stardos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Buckle up, this is a long one.
So it's Friday night at the synagogue and the Rabbi is giving his sermon and he looks to the back of the congregation and sees a young man with his head in his hands looking forlorn. After the service he approaches him and asks "Jonah, you look miserable, what's wrong?
"Oh Rabbi," responds Jonah, "I am 30 years old and still single. Every time I meet a woman and bring her home she's never good enough for my mother".
The Rabbi thinks for a moment and tugs on his beard and finally exclaims, "Jonah. I've got it. You need to find a woman who looks like your mother, talks like your mother and cooks like your mother. It's going to be alright." Jonah, feeling hopeful for the first time in years, was elated and promised the Rabbi to seek out such a woman.
A few weeks later, back at the congregation, the Rabbi is giving his sermon and again notices Jonah in the back, looking miserable with his hair all dishevelled. After the service he approaches him again.
"Jonah, what's wrong?" To which Jonah mournfully explains, "Oh Rabbi, I followed your advice to a tee: I met a woman who looks like my mother, who talks like my mother, who cooks like my mother, she even dresses like my mother!" The Rabbi, with a puzzled expression finally asked "so what's the problem then?", to which Jonah exclaimed, "my father doesn't like her!"
sveiks01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
want to hear a joke about pizza? ah forget it-it's too cheesy
corndog819 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One's pretty heavy.... and the other's a little lighter.
hellofrankk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's do you call and intalian girl with a yeast infection?
A Whopper with cheese
yoditronzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. His addiction is tearing this family apart.
stellar14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a condom full of money? Johnny Cash.
mcmanybucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
soarhigher2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog that does magic? A labracadabrador
TheImpulsiveVulcan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told this one to every teacher the first day of class:
"Hey that's a great dry-erase board! Quite re-mark-able."
Nickanator8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, I work at Starbucks and when I am on the register occasionally people will ask for a dirty chai (a chai tea latte with espresso in it). I always, whether man or woman, ask in the most suggestive voice, โHow dirty do you want it?โ I always get a smile.
ucjj2011 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a dead hooker?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
AJW-21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in college, people always told me to study abroad. But when I did, she slapped me.
belly_bell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
brecka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try, /r/jokes
henryblazer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
someone asks me "What time is it?"
my response: "It's time for you to get a watch."
this joke I've used since 1995 and it never gets old
MicroscopicMothra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:00 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. Heโs got a peg leg and an eye patch, and also a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender say โhey man...is that a steering wheel in your pantsโ? The pirate says โAye! That it be.โ The bartender says โWhy is that there?โ And the pirate says โArrrgh! Itโs driving me nuts!โ
Real_Caprack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper
Markamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa rather then screaming in terror like the 3 passengers in his car
WVBotanist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Alesandros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just suddenly and loudly exclaim:
"Fat penguins!!!"
*Wait for a bit.
"Just trying to break the ice folks."
ElephantsAreHeavy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are all black people against slavery, or is it just mine?
Mikep908 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most jokes from Jackie The Joke Man Martling. You just can't be born really sensitive or you'll probably have your panties in a bunch
OliveOcelot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the bicycle fall down after a long ride?
... Because its two tyred.
Stole this from a ten year old.
jdtcu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's up? Chicken butt
Sparkling_Starfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What makes Peter Pan fly? If someone hit your peter with a pan youโd fly too.
JLucasNewShitTooLit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you make this up lmao
Sparkling_Starfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:39:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No. A lovely young lady with autism told me this joke at target. She worked there.
TheForsakenVoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is why your parents never left you, and your family thinks youre a dissapointment. cue laughter
Hinxsey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Who cut your hair, the council?"
ATMollen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:36 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ONE LINERS
In a public speaking setting: "For those of who don't know me my name is John, and for those of you DO know me my name is ...John."
Friend: It's so good to see you! Me: It's good to be seen!
Friend: Thanks for having me! Me: Thanks for being had!
catsmatsrats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite toast: May life always be positive and may we never test negative!
h8-3putts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?
They look at your shoes when they talk to you instead of their own.
Dogzillas_Mom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
Ba dum bump Iโll be here all week, try the veal, donโt forget to tip your server.
Theonetheonlykevstef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.
HazelGhost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the red ship that crashed into the purple ship?
Both crews were MAROOOOOOOOOONED!
Hatchi-san ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies!!
NefariusMarius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club
veritas1975 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black man who flies planes?
A pilot you racist!
Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable if you let people guess too long..i often say the answer quicker than i would like, to be safe and not risk hearing some bad tasteless guesses.
-c-black- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win the most awards?
He was out standing/outstanding in his field.
JonRemzzzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between your wife and your girlfriend.....about 30lbs
My wife hates that joke
A_Vodkaholic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I like my women how i like my cars; white, topless, and under a decade old"
1500sitalyman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My three favorite breads, in reverse order:
3: Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits
2: Olive Garden Breadsticks
1: Traditional Gender Rolls
Spyderdance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the world's scariest plant?
A: Bam-Booooooooo.....
ToaOfBacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
You tell it a funny joke!
EdRuhls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Air in the hands mother sticker this is a fuck up!
squidward1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its not so much a single joke, its mostly my self deprecating humor that does it.
canisteh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"how about that airline food?"
flooptyscoops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
I run in interesting circles.
2veg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a shih tzu?
A zoo with no animals.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Confucius-Bot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:49 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.
"Just a bot trying to brighten up someone's day with a laugh. | Message me if you have one you want to add."
coolroth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Confucius say "he who fart in church sit in pew"
Confucius-Bot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
"Just a bot trying to brighten up someone's day with a laugh. | Message me if you have one you want to add."
interrobangkok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know will smith was walking in the snow? Fresh prints.
NunyaDBizness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Mother Superior brings all the nuns and novices into the rectory for a talk -
Mother Superior: "This is a serious situation. One of you had a man in here last night."
Nuns and Novices: *Gasps in horror*
One lone voice: "Teeheeheehee"
Mother Superior: "And they had sex."
Nuns and Novices: *Gasps in horror*
One lone voice: "Teeheeheehee"
Mother Superior holding up a used condom: "We found this."
Nuns and Novices: *Gasps in horror*
One lone voice: "Teeheeheehee"
Mother Superior shaking her head: "Sadly there was a hole in it"
One lone voice: *gasps in horror*
Nuns and Novices: "Teeheeheehee"
A_Concerned_Bear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Jew, a Mexican, and a coloured guy walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out."
Gotta love Clint Eastwood.
bluewatersailing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:10 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya know, pizza is a lot like sex. When itโs good, itโs really good. And when itโs bad, itโs still pretty good.
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
Deako87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Either:
or
logwagon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've actually used this in job interviews. It delivers better when said out loud:
(240 with a Scottish accent).
Dillz97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man came to my door for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
ArsonWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
SHiiNZoN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy used to ride his horse to the pub. One day, when he was pissed as, his mates decided to play a joke on him by turning his saddle back-to-front. Next day, he rides back. "How was your ride home?" They asked. "Not too bad" he replied, "but some fucker chopped the head off my horse and I had to stick a finger in his windpipe to hold on!"
FulcrumM2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Statistically, 9/10 people enjoy gang-rape.
joahfx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what I like in a woman?
My dick
Mocavius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, are you busy right now?" "No, what's up?" "Well go fuck yourself then."
Cael87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โI love you all, in a purely-sexual; totally non-platonic kind of wayโ
loochie_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that's what she said
starthirteen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T. short for?
Cause he's got tiny little legs.
Kdot22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhat has four wheels and flys?โ
...
โA Garbage Truck!โ
Thanks Spongebob
WankBadger84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some bloke just started throwing cheese at me in the street for no reason today...
Real mature!
skycoaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite letter?โ wait for them to confidently say โArrr.โ โAye, yeโd think it be Arrr, but me true love be the C.โ
charonn0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.
"You were such a pious and holy man in life, " began St. Peter, "that as a reward you can make one request of me before leaving behind your worldly cares and entering heaven."
"Well," says the priest, "I'd like to read the original manuscript of the Bible."
Even more impressed now than before, St. Peter grants the request and takes the priest to God's own private library, before leaving him to his studies.
Shortly afterward, the priest lets out an unholy shriek. St. Peter rushes into the library and asks, "what is it? What's wrong?!"
And through gritted teeth and streams of tears the priest cried out: "Celebrate! It says celebrate, not celibate!"
Seikon32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a caterpillar afraid of? A dogapillar.
ASourPotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of jeans does Mario wear?
Denim, denim, denim.
OfficeTexas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Texas: - What's the best thing to come out of College Station? - Highway 6
ponziHD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bert asked Ernie if he wanted any ice cream. Ernie replied "sherbet".
ThePreybird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see", said the blind man to the deaf dog as the man with no legs ran by.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad, a guitar player, taught me this one. Not always a big success but its the first one that pops into my head. What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
BelowAverageJoe17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
TheWishToLiveForever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Don't cry, it's only me!
ahaggardcaptain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys walk into a bar. The 4th one ducked.
PKKEndrance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For me its a tie.
Before you judge someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
What's going through a fly's brain as it hits a windshied? His butt.
Vrael22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary And those that don't.
thesockemporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a dentist's favorite time of day? Tooth Hurty.
Or the one about hell having air conditioning because an engineer got sent to hell by mistake and god wants to sue the devil but where will he find a lawyer in heaven?
mpakzad89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK ROWLING
intheflowers_ac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Knock Knock. -Who's There? -Little Old Lady. -Little Old Lady Who? -gasp I didn't know you could yodel!
lward002 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
makes gagging sound
BobGobbles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a chickpea and garbanzo bean?
Id never let a garbanzo bean on my face.
What's the difference between an onion and a girl?
I cry when I cut up an onion
DarthMauly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I brought my German Shepherd to the Vet the other day as he wasnโt eating, the Vet turned to me and said โIโm sorry, but Iโll have to put him down.โ
Shocked I asked, โIs it really that bad?โ
No, said the Vet. โHeโs just really heavy.โ
Wiscansan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My hot 18 year old neighbor just got this tattoo of a butterfly on her chest. Doesnโt she know how stupid thatโs gonna look some day. All stretched out. Over my lamp.
maestroplease ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish!
dorkmax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I sneeze, someone will say "God bless you" and I'll say either "Oh, He does" all snarky, or "Doesn't matter, I'm going to Hell anyway". For some reason this works on women more, but its great at disarming.
TheSpiderLady88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
trustyhoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
Communist-Onion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:46 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How lonely I am
vinnymclovin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Schindler's list 2: Schindler's pissed" and then make shitty reenactments of really exaggerated versions of movie cliches. Such as deep voice narrations like "He's making a list, checking it twice. Gonna find out who's Nazi or nice" then spin in a circle whilst making fingr guns.
Hope this was funny.
El_Guap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What disappoints a horny pirate the most?
A sunken chest with no bootie!
Aelwryn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which is heavier - a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? It's the feathers. The bricks are just bricks, but the feathers you have to live with the weight of what you did to all those birds.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
CopyRightDate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats long black and hard that makes every high school girl scream? An AR15
GodMonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the racetrack stable there was an old racehorse about to retire, a young racehorse in his prime and the old stable dog, all standing around the night before a big race.
The old horse asked the young horse "Boy, tomorrow's my last race, and I know that you're in your prime and trying to make a name for yourself but I have an enormous favor to ask of you. If I win the race tomorrow I think that my record will speak for itself and I can retire to a nice comfortable farm to live out the rest of my days, but if I lose I fear that it's off to the glue factory. I think even in my old age I can give a lot of the other young'ns a run for their money but even on my best day I don't know that I could hold a candle to you. Would you be willing to take it easy on the final stretch to let me have on last brush with glory?"
Moved by the old stallion's plea, the young colt thinks on this for a few moments before carefully responding "I understand your fear, but I have an untarnished record. I could very well go on to win the triple crown if I maintain that record. If I lose this early in my career to an old horse knocking on retirement's door who knows what the future will hold. I could be moved out of the main events or even pulled altogether. I can't do it old man, I'm sorry."
Hearing this, the old stable dog speaks up to the colt "I can't believe you'd be so heartless to put your record up against the potential life of this horse, to whom you owe a lot of your familiarity with the sport. You should be ashamed of yourself and learn to respect your elders."
The younger horse slowly looked to his older friend and asked him "Holy shit, did that dog just talk?"
MorphLIVES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
hambre1028 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
..In hindsight, this one has failed a few times.
DidFidgetDoThat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
โDam.โ
Therew0lf17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 2 crows sitting in a tree?
Attempted Murder.
uberfunk1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time is bedtime at the Jackson residence?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
awsomemason ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the latest? (Beat) Youโre the greatest.
Bigchickenmac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're good looking
NormalPizza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When using a urinal: "Damn, water is cold today"
Lathariuss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:34 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most of these are stolen off of r/jokes
TripOfThreeSteps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies...
(I have young children)
sarahjeni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:47 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When ever someone says something smells good I always say I farted.
testoblerone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe how rude people can be. Just the other day I was riding the bus and a woman got in with a baby carrier, the bus driver didn't waste any time to tell her that she had the ugliest baby he'd ever seen in his entire life. The woman, clearly taken aback, was rendered speechless, she paid her fare and went to sit besides me. After a few moments she turns at me, tears of humiliation in her eyes and asks me:
"Can you believe how rude the driver was?"
"It was awful", I said. Then I added, "you shouldn't just let that slide, you know? That's why they think they can get away with anything, nobody confronts them".
"Do you really think I should go over there and tell him off?" she asked. She clearly wanted to say something to the driver, but was very hesitant.
"Definitely!" I told her. Then, wanting to be helpful, pointing to the baby carrier I said, "here, you go tell that guy off, I'll hold your monkey".
Yes, I heard that one more recently on Jake and Amir, but I suspect it predates that web show. In any case, it's pretty good if you can sell everything up to the punchline as a personal anecdote. I also love it because it perfectly translates to Spanish.
MidNightTalker13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay rooster say? ANYCOCKWILLDOO! .... I'm a simple person
WesternSon98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There is a family with the last name of Bigger. There is a poppa Bigger, momma Bigger, brother Bigger, sister Bigger and baby Bigger.
Which one is the largest and why?
The baby. Because he is just a little Bigger.
( hey itโs one of the only clean jokes I know)
celestialeye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What star has a father?
The sun.
(You have to speak/hear it to really get it the first time)
Doctor_Rainbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Tomorrow's front page of r/Jokes.
betty85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
BlakeXC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a short Mexican?
A paragraph.
(A short ese, or essay)
Masalar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Ludechking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a brown bear? First you have to dig a hole but itโs got to be a big hole because you are going to fit a brown bear in it. Next you have to start a fire inside the hole. When the fire dies completely out you take the ashes from that fire and spread them all around the inside of the hole. Last you need to get a can of peas. Use the peas to line the outside of the hole with peas. Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
Colerton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you'll see later the other you'll see in awhile.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to do one where Iโm telling a story about when someone did something embarrassing when they were little (like pooping their pants or throwing a tantrum or something) and then I finish it up with something like, โit was just really tough because then he had to go work on his thesis...โ
When I met my now father-in-law, I found out thatโs also his go-to joke, and thatโs when I knew Iโd fit in well in the family.
unnvervingly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever wonder why the sea iis blue?
That's because the fishes in the sea always go "blub blub blub"
Mariners55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I guess Willie Nelson died. He was hit by a truck. He was playing on the road again.
trngoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
whitbit_m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask your friend if they want to hear a ghost pun. When they begrudgingly say "sure," you yell, "that's the spirit!"
It's fun because it doubles as a magic trick for losing friends at light speed.
stevevs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good one with 10 year olds: Knock Knock - Who's There?. Pile up...
Also good: Two guys walk into a bar, third guy ducks.
Bassman1976 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I know that the crowd is okay for under-the-belt jokes, I go with this one. Once I know everybody is ok with the genre, its non-stop barrage from me.
NSFW: An old man in a rural county gets to a hundred years old. Local TV newsperson goes to interview the old man.
The old man thinks...
I remember...In 1954. Walker's second daughter got lost in the woods. All the town's men went on a search for her, and when she was found near the river, every single one of us took our turn!!!!
Cut! Cut! Said the reporter. We can't air that...Mr. Johnson, you are the oldest person in town. Must makes you happy, no? So...What is your second best memory?
I remember...in 1943. Smith's wife got lost in the woods and all the town's men went looking for her. When we found her at the end of James's cornfield, all the town's men got their go with her!!!
No CUT CUT! Shouted the reporter. I need to find another angle...Mr. Johnson, you were born in 1918, lived through the Great Depression, World War II, you've buried 3 of your kids, your wife, even one grand-kid. What's the saddest memory you can think of?
Oh....I remember, back in 1936! I got lost in the woods...
daelite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
scsm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are hanging out in a field, one cow asks the other cow, "have you heard about this mad cow disease?" to which the other cow replies, "yeah I'm glad I'm a tractor."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The classic Jimmy Carr joke.
For just ten cents a day you can buy a mosquito for a child in Africa and prevent millions of mosquitos of dying needlessly of AIDS
bigwilly311 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:42 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, high school band director. I work with the theater department, do a lot of live sound and recording, and my students always take a long time to set up, so I have AMPLE opportunity for this home, and itโs the first thing I EVER say into a microphone.
I used to be in a band and we had a polish roadie.
We had a Czech one too. A Czech one too. [Whilst laughing because Iโm the only one who thinks itโs funny and everyone else has heard it a thousand times already TODAY]: A Czech one too.
hafuhafu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club
zamzam96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bar tender โIโll take a beer, and one for the roadโ.
musicman2018 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were 3 guys who could only say one pair of words for a whole year. The first guy says โI did it.โ The second guy says โforks and knives.โ The third guy says โplug it in.โ
There was a murder in town. A police officer drives up to these three guys and says to them, โhey guys. There was a murder here in town. Do you guys know anything?โ The first guy says โI did it!โ The officer asks, โhow did you do it?โ The second guy says โforks and knives.โ The officer says โalright. Off to the electric chair!โ The third guy says, โplug it in, plug it in.โ
mophisus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day this guy comes home from school and tells his mom about his day. He says "mom, mom, today we did numbers and every could count to 10, but I could only get to 3, why is that?" She looks at him and she says "well son, its because your black."
The next day he comes home from school and says "mom mom today we did the alphabet and everyone else got all the way to z, but I only got to H, why is that?." One again she looks at him and says "Well son, its because your black."
The next day he comes home from school and tells his mom about his day. He say "mom, mom, today we had gym and afterwards we all had to shower together. My weiner is way bigger than the other boys, is it because I'm black?" She says "No, Tyrone.. its because your 25."
drflanigan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've started collecting watches whenever something important or special happens in my life. I saw a complete solar eclipse recently and took a long roadtrip with a friend to see it, and got a watch engraved to commemorate it.
I explain that to people, and then say "and by the end of my life I'll have like 2 watches".
Always gets a laugh.
RpTheHotrod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. Why?
Because he's not a full essay.
Gickerific ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The other day I was with my daughter outside Chick-Fil-A and we saw some people with colorful hair protesting. My daughter turned to me and said, "daddy, who are those people, and why are they marching in a circle with signs?" I replied, "honey, those are democrats, and they're protesting Chick-Fil-A because of their company's beliefs"
She said to me, "when I grow up, I want to be a democrat!"
I said, "pick one, sweetie, because you can't do both!"
SJClawhammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
butteryhugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of the new corduroy pillows that just released?
Really? They're making head lines!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Norwegians have barcodes on their ship?
Cause they scandanavyin
406God ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothinโ yalready told er twice
mhcphillips ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You: Whatโs a pirateโs favourite letter?
Audience: Rrrrrrrr!!!!!
You: you think it be Rrrrrr, but it be the C!
ieetbabys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Whoโs There?
I Eat Mop
C_Alan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:20 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walked into a bar, the other guy ducked.
runawaytoaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That really isn't funny.
Hinkil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the hooker? ... keep the tip!
lgstarfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean
sams64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
Superbroom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Look at that S car go
Jessieann23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
phluke- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:29 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree?
Because they're good at it.
Dongzirra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
Timmeh7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A grizzled-looking pirate is sitting alone in a bar, drinking heavily. Heโd clearly lived a tough life - sporting a peg leg, eye patch and hook for a hand. The barman, a lover of stories approached and offered him free drinks all night in exchange for his best pirate tales.
The pirate gleefully tells the epic tale of his lost leg - a vicious sword fight against a naval officer over a pile of treasure, recounting each riposte, twist, turn, the moment his leg was almost severed and the instant he turned the fight around and ran his adversary through, taking the treasure at the cost of his leg.
โAmazing! Tell me more!โ
Next, he told the tale of how heโd lost his hand. Captured by enemy pirates, forced to walk the plank, ending in a fight to the death with a shark - he killed the beast with a knife heโd secreted in his shoe, but losing his hand to its jaws. Then, seeing only vengeance, he clung to the enemy ship, climbed back aboard during the night, slit the officersโ throats while they slept and convinced the crew to follow him, taking the ship as his own.
โJust incredible! So what about the eye patch?โ
The pirate suddenly became a little sheepish.
โWell... I was standing on the deck of me new ship when... well, a seagull shit in me eye.โ
โWhat?! Did it become infected or something?...โ
โNo... look, it was me first day with the hook!โ
tBroneShake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask somebody: โDid you know that rabbits die after having sex?โ Usually they respond with โno way?โ Or โthat canโt be trueโ You respond: โWell the one I fucked did.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Moses make tea?
Hebrews it.
Reptar_on_ice69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
betty85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
BREAKDANCING PENGUIN!
Sorry, that was just an icebreaker...
phantomoftheBOPera ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A Liquor Cabinet (pronounced Lick-er Cabinet)
Big-Al2020 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a big moron and t a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron full off, why didnโt the little moron fall off?
Because he was a little moron๐คฃ๐คฃ
obsessivecircle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I will give you what you gave me yesterday." They always ask "what did I give you yesterday?" And I say "nothing!" And laugh and walk away.
gbk229 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:45 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says โHey! Do you know how to drive this thing?โ
Kattou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:56 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a giraffe?
A cut to your research funding and a visit from the Animal Ethics Committee.
cerealfalcon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I knew a man who had a wooden leg named Smith.
Well what was the other legs name?"
My dad loves this joke. He laughs everytime.
Trunks_SSJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend who died because he was addicted to brake fluid. He kept telling me he could stop any time.
TLAllDay454 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to the zoo. The only animal is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
IsayPoirot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!
ndgamer4life ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a quadriplegic walks into a bar...
Electr0n1c_Mystic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a lake?
Bob.
RunsWithScissorsYOLO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a fancy restaurant and is stopped by the maitre d
โSir, this is a suit and tie establishment, I cannot grant you entry as you are not properly dressedโ
The man goes outside to his car and finds a jacket in the back seat. He puts it on and goes back inside
Maitre d stops him again. โSir, I see you have managed a coat, but, as I said, this is a suit and TIE establishment and a cannot make exception.โ
The man goes back to his car. He digs around and looks everywhere but only finds a pair of jumper cables in the trunk. He twists them around his neck into a shoe-string bow tie and walks back into the restaurant.
Maitre d looks at him and says โVery well. Iโll let you in, but donโt you start nothingโ
kelxion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I only said this once, but i have a friend that loses her shit with it: What's more expensive than a lobster? (answer): TWO lobsters.
kafkakafkakafka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats the worst thing to hear when you're blowing willy nelson?
i'm not willy nelson.
AnhRacRoi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: What's the difference between a cock and a roast beef sandwich? You: What? Me: Wanna come over for lunch?
Falkaane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two penguins are paddling a canoe in the middle of the desert. The first one says โWhereโs the oar?โ. The second one says โSure doesโ.
andymasterson37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:08 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know a when gay shark is after you ?
Jaws theme Duh-duh.... Duh-Duh... I Love you Baby ....DUH DUH DUUH DUH DUH
GRIZZVG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes can only be said once imo
blocks24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is at the bar after work on his birthday and he finally says to his buddies โalright I have to go home to my wife nowโ so he goes home and his wife is lying naked on his bed with handcuffs. The wife says to him, โchain me up and do whatever you wantโ so he handcuffs her to the bed and goes back to the bar with his buddies.
Irradiatedjello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between the tower of Pisa and the twin towers?
The tower of Pisa has better reflexes? (Said while slightly leaning to one side)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:13 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do I get a discount for my good looks? (Spoiler: I am not good looking in any way).
Great_Thoughts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the drummer who named all of his daughters the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
monty818 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:18 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are locomotives always on time?
Theyโre well trained.
ChipAyten ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apologies for making a not-joke a top level comment but I will be saving this page for use on my Tinder... though one could say my Tinder game is the biggest joke of all.
Riobbie303 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love offensive jokes, so trigger warning.
What's the worst part about being black and Jewish?
You have to sit at the back of the oven.
betty85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:26 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's big, green, has 4 legs and if it fell out of a tree could kill you? A pool table
CecilFieldersChoice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fit an elephant in a plastic bag?
Here's a hint: Take the C out of car and the F out of way.
LarrySellers88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:35 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Youโve heard of Murphyโs Law right? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong...
Have you heard of Coles Law? Itโs like real thinly sliced cabbage with mayonnaise in it...
natethegreatt1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:44 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chinese man goes to optomotrist to get vision checked.
After the tests are done he is waiting for the doc to return.
When the doc returns, he says "Ok Mr. Chang, I know what's wrong. You have a catarac."
Mr. Chang replies "I don't have a Catarac. I drive a Rincoln Continentar."
oudidntkn0w ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.
callmeredhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeรฑo business.
duncpro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnโt the bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it was two tired
benzethonium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When people tell me to have a nice day, I tell them "you too, but if you can't, make up a good lie. People love stories."
LionTheRichardheart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club.
BertJPDXBKLN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHave you ever smelled moth balls?โ
โYesโ
โHow did you get their little legs apart?โ
womanbearpig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know how when you see a flock of geese flying in a "V" one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why?
There's more geese on that side
ChetRipley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear on the news that they are firing all the cross-eyed teachers? They apparently can't control their pupils.
Thecatalist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:31 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat? Haayyyy
BadAim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Aristocrats
Either they laugh, and you are successful.
Or, they are horrified, in which case you are still successful.
BadTimpressions ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One joke that my friend says that always makes me laugh despite how stupid it is goes as follows:I'm
One day I was walking on the beach with Bigfoot. I looked back and saw that there was only one set of footprints
JoeyOverdose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Remember that memory foam mattress I had? Well, it memorized all my sex moves and last night it uh...well it raped me.
TwoTonJoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
Yes. Yes they do.
abstractattack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm out to eat and the waitress asks if I want a box.....
I tell her "I dont fight women" -OR- "thats a little harsh...just because I left food you want to fight"-OR- "I dont fight ladys but I dont mint you hitting on me."
KeroZero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the prostitute who specialized in ear sex?
She got hearing aids.
grocknrye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and green and goes 300mph.? A frog in a blender.
Final7C ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You really gotta hand it to blind hookers....
Erawtik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the sharpest thing in the world? A fart, it cuts right through your pants without leaving a hole.
Also works for tell a dirty joke.
Beretot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Formal (work/not-so-close friends) setting: why does the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base
Informal (close friends): what does Isaac Newton and the baby I stabbed yesterday have in common?
Isaac Newton died a virgin
Or maybe even: a girl is crying desperately on the shore of a lake. A man walking by sees her and asks what's wrong
"my dog was drowning in the lake so my father went to rescue him, but they both drowned and I have no idea what to do with my life now!"
"holy shit", said the man
"today isn't your lucky day", as he unbuckled his belt
(unbuckle your belt while creepily saying the last line if telling in person)
ChetRipley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the buffalo say when his only boy turned 18 and started off toward some ivy-league, big shot college? Bi-son.
Pico-de-galloo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever Iโm talking to a cute girl I always tell them some variation of โmy mom tells me Iโm a catchโ or โmy mom says Iโm very handsome.โ Gets a laugh every time.
--asmodeus-- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
seabassfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can motorcycles jump over huge gorges? Because they have nerves of steel.
Why does rock music sound good in cars? They're made of heavy metal.
(These fail pretty often.)
tinybeefbag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer asks his buddy, "Hey, can you help me round up my 38 sheep?" His buddy says, "sure, 40."
raven_god ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a dingy bus station and a lobster with implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
popupideas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar... the third one ducked
subarutim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hamster and a gerbil? I'm pretty sure the hamster has more dark meat...
AllisonBurger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always wondered, why is a person who play the piano called a pianist but a person who races not called a racist?
BedsideTiger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Newfies (people from Newfoundland) walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.
Jeffoir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to dedicate this joke to my dad, who was a roof carpenter. So, if you're up there dad...
Quachyyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what?
"What"
Good guess
Betzxnator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You ocelate it's tits a lot.
waheifilmguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Though not exactly a joke per se, over the past year, Iโve gotten a lot of play out of โWell, I wouldnโt vote for Trump again...โ
Iโm not super loud politically, but people that I know are pretty aware that he was not the sort of candidate Iโd ever vote for. I catch people wondering if Iโm being serious for a second.
RossLikesBoys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a baby and pizza, I donโt cum on my pizza before I eat it.
DetectiveDing-Daaahh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a gay Jamaican?
Pokemon.
askdoctorjake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a skeleton in my clinic. I like to introduce my patients to him. His name is Napoleon Bonaparte. Laughs every time.
BradOShizno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One says "man it's really hot in here" the other says "holy shit a talking muffin!"
Reterhd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Me) Guys this morning a saw a gay cockroach!!
(Person) how do you know it was gay?
(Me) it came out of the closet
Darthmixalot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Church of England priests are all athiests. Goes along the lines of 'there are two types of priest in CoE, reformists and traditionalists. The traditionalists don't think there's a god while the reformists know there isn't a god.
It, coincidentally, is also my favourite subgenre of joke. I don't care if you don't find it funny. I do.
Segod_or_Bust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do I have a suitcase full of sausages?
For a wurst case scenario.
krisgonewild1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 frogs were in froggy court. The frog judge says โOk come up state your name and why your hereโ
First frog says โmy name is frog and Iโm here for blowing bubbles in the pondโ
Second frog comes up and says โmy name is frog and Iโm here for blowing bubbles in the pondโ
Third frog walks up and the judge says โoh let me guess! Your name is frog and youโre here for blowing bubbles in the pondโ
The frog replies, โno your honor, my name is bubblesโ
FireOccator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
jkmc1205 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irish man walks out of a bar...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's a pirate's favorite letter?"
*almost everyone guesses "R"
pirate voice: "A lot of people think it's R, but a pirate's true love is the C."
So-_-It-_-Goes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?
Donโt worry, he is all right now.
daveisamonsterr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My doctor told me to quit masturbating. I said "why?" He said "I'd like to start your exam".
LittleBirdGameReview ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Aileen
Bonus Round:
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene
BlurstAmendment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's round and dangerous?
A vicious circle.
iandouglas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can Irish soup only have 239 beans? (in crappy Irish accent) If ye add one more, it'd be too farty.
shannonsteele ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hellen Keller walks into a bar...
and then a table, and then a stool.
ImmigrantJones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 5 Mexicans in a sink?
Cinco
brixen_ivy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No.
What do you call four Mexicans drowning?
Cuatro cinco.
Dnm_cunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs.
grog709 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saskatchewan: Hard to spell, easy to draw
Always gets a chuckle in Canada.
yerdadzkatt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Copy and pasted from a now-deleted user, but it's one of my favorites. It's long but I have yet to have it fail.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
jordanlund ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.
idgafmods ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they stink.
fortheberd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the trash can joke?
It stinks anyway.
Nail_Biterr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lots of Dads posting here
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm hung like a horse... fly
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who do scuba divers fall backward into the ocean?
If they fell forward they'd land in the boat.
Officer_Hotpants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that all ships in Sweden have barcodes on them?
It's so that they can Scandinavian.
Bloorgasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do Muslims go after they die?
Everywhere
PMyaboy4tribute ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you met the guy with a premature ejaculation problem...dude just comes out of nowhere all the time
Yronno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well I mean, it's a long one. I'm not sure we want to get into that.
Matt8992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar...
Youโd think one of them would have seen it.
Dudenoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For this joke you can use whatever area in your region is known for having the nastiest women...
What does a Surrey girl and a hockey goalie have in common?
They both change their pads once every three periods
derfy75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I brought a dislexic girl home and she ended up cooking my sock...
snizzo23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches
Bulbasaur2015 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
self-deprecating humor
psycospaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's real heavy and the other is a little lighter
AlfonsoTheX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
This works 100% of the time every time when dressing my children.
SupremeCanadian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a construction joke?
I'm still working on it.
Alternatively:
An englishmen, a Frenchmen, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street magician. The magician asks if everyone can see him, and they reply "Yes," "Oui," "Si," "Ja,"
shadowking1130 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So two muffins are sitting in an oven and the first muffin says to the other one "boy, it sure is getting hot in here," and the second one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
abceasyascuntpuntme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway.
Heard it on reddit and it still cracks me up
SarahSmiles96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your audience has to like this kind of humor but it does well if they do.
What's the difference between a female track team, and a group of pygmies?
One is a group of cunning runts!
Gondi63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus?
I dunno, but it sure can pick tomatoes.
DoctorAcula_42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Time flies.
I can't! They're too fast!
jordanfield111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the news about that psychic dwarf who broke out of prison?
He's a small medium at large.
Cooshtie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the girls love Jesus?
Because he was hung like this
Stretch arms out like you're nailed to a cross
lolthrowthis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Waiting to see all these reposted on /r/jokes tomorrow
Hatarn72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Self deprecation
Glitchy_Analog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Thompsonman12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
tcmcguir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
wildfan2k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Cuz they're ugly and they smell bad.
ultranothing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bored cop sleeping in his cruiser along an empty stretch of highway awakes to the sound of an engine roaring past him. He jolts into action and finally catches up, and pulls the young gearhead over.
"Son, I've been waiting for you all day!"
"Well, officer, I got here as fast as I could!"
NewScooter1234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime anyone has to show me how to do something I ask them to teach me like Patrick Swayze in ghost. Like anyone in any situation. My boss, grandparents, girlfriends dad etc. Always gets a laugh because it's a little risquรฉ but not actually in appropriate
The_System00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does an Italian plumber wear?
Denim-denim-denim
Twilight_Realm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a boy who wanted to ask this girl to Prom. He decided that heโd better get some flowers, but because it was Prom season there was along line at the flower store. Really long. He waited and waited and eventually he got in and got the very last bouquet. With that in hand, he asked the girl and she said yes! Now he needed to rent a tux, but because it was Prom season the line was long to get measured. Really long. Eventually he gets into the store and they order for him the last tuxedo they have in their catalog. Finally, to make the night really special, he orders a limousine, but because it was Prom season there was a long waiting line to get one. Really long. Eventually he is able to order the very last limo and heโs very excited. The night is going to be perfect! And it was! The couple was having a lovely time at the Prom. They got their photos taken and decided to hit the dance floor. After a while, his date starts to get thirsty and so she asks him to get get her some punch. There is no punch line.
Filmmagician ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad jokes. Dad jokes are everyoneโs go to apparently.
CarbonNightmare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
NCfartstorm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesnโt matter theyโll just beat the room for being black
greenacratic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Point at cemetery 'see that place? People are dying to get in there'
Yes I'm a dad, so I'm allowed.
True_Knives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
To die in the name of Science
poonsweat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a black person and heroin?
Iโd have to think twice about shooting heroin.
praise2gouda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know Hitler was a penis potato? Because he was a dic-tator.
look it might not get laughs from other people but I always laugh so that means it's still a win.
amwreck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Two.
Two who?
To whom.
vanadamme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A calendar says to his doctor, "What are the results?"
The doctor says, "You've got twelve months."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
TheGoldenLychee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many people with dementia does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side
Heezus_Walks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some fruit punch
the bartender goes "sure but you'll have to wait your turn over there"
the guy looks around to find an empty bar, gets a puzzled look on his face, and replies "but there's no punchline"
rebelkitty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat Miner.
pian0keys ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... on a military base?
A Flat Major.
AtLeastJake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you hear about that actress getting stabbed last night? Reese, uh.."
Stammer and pretend to not know the actresses last name until they ask "Witherspoon?"
Then immediately follow up with,
"No, with a knife"
coys12345678 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
...
Because he wasn't peeling well.
marpleswag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that there are more planes in the sea than submarines in the sky?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's so funny about a car full of black people driving off a cliff?
Nothing, they were my friends, you asshole!
Tp2289 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you put an epileptic in a bowl of crutons?
A seizure salad!
thedudeintx82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Know how to keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip?
Bring another Baptist.
mattm68w ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
Bc_Skilled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When anyone says "I'm (words) hi (words), I'm dad even though I'm just a kid
KINGKR33P3R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The story how I got ring worm
Tomm864 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl? One can hoot but canโt shit and one can shoot but canโt hit
nbhat1216 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why you canโt run in a campground, but only ran?
Because itโs past-tents.
imhugeinjapan89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm not a racist... I have a colored tv"
acconrad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For my G-rated folks:
What did one continent say to the other after an earthquake?
Not my fault.
For my R-rated folks:
So I was having sex with this girl and she asked me, "are you a pedophile?"
I said "wow, that's a pretty big word for a 9 year old."
luniz420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why do the ladies love jesus?
because he's hung like this (spread your arms)
JamesWjRose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always say; This is my favorite bad joke, to warn people, and they always laugh
Why didn't God make two Yogi Bears? Because he made a Boo Boo
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
phenomgooba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't churches have WiFi?
They don't want to complete with an invisible power that actually works!
essmithsd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Okay, so two Irishmen walk out of a bar."
CantHardly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do plumbers and lesbians have in common?
They both use snap-on tools.
breville135 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's got five fingers and drives a tractor? A farmhand.
aeverro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pit bull and a social worker?
At least with a pit bull, you get some of your kid back.
HiiipowerBass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Kim Jong Un have the largest library?
Because he is supreme reader.
laughingcolors ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are their no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because there's a target on every corner
juiceguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: Elephino.
puremartini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If i were rich they would call me eccentric... Right now they call me crazy. ๐
shotbinky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you make pickle bread with?
Dill dough.
captinepicfail1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what? ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
paulthefonz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chicken butt.
captinepicfail1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, youre a butt แ( แ )แ
stefanielaine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always put the funniest word at the end of the sentence underpants
trevoracus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats better then winning the gold in the special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Super uncouth, but damn funny.
lidsanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These nuts.
IWasTeamIronMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life?
sloth_sloth666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad wanted me to put this -_-
Q: What do you call a girl with 1 leg shorter than the other?
A: ILene
Q: what do you call a Chinese girl with 1 leg shorter than the other?
A: Irene
ILikePort ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something something 2.30 something something dentist
AmericanLzrOrca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think this joke belongs in this thread, but here it goes.
"Why were the twin towers sad?" Someone inevitable exclaims, 'excuse me!?' "Because they ordered pepperoni, but got plane!"
Helium902009 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
cool_user_name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAH
miserywhip94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bird go to the doctor?
For tweetment
Echoblammo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kim, Khloe and Kourtney.
The only KKK that lets black guys inside them.
coumansp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Whoโs there? The interrupting cow The inter...Moo!.....
dantevatt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street
One was assaulted
Marko343 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
cockypock_aioli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does ET have such big eyes? You would too if you saw his phone bill!
DMPunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Responding to any questions with "Up your butt and around the corner."
It always makes me laugh
RamundhinUnge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want a 100$ bill tattooed on my penis. Because it is always nice to always have money on you. It is always nice to see money grow. And i can give my wife some money when she asks for it.
yaboiiii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhatโs a pirate favorite letter?โ
(Typically get an arrrrrg here)
In a pirate voice โNo it be the Cโ
jcpmojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A big, burly biker-looking dude walks into a bar, walks up to the middle of the bar, and orders a shot of whiskey. He lifts it up, looks to his right and says, "Everyone on my right is a cock sucker!" He downs the shot, and nobody says anything. He orders another shot, looks to his left and says, "Everyone on my left is a mother fucker!" Just as he raises the shot to drink it, he notices a little guy on his left walking towards him. "You got a problem with that?" The little guy says meekly, "No, I'm just on the wrong side."
Orinaj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with NO legs?
unfortunate...
dandee93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into an emergency room with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The nurse runs up and asks, "Sir, are you alright? That looks very painful."
The pirate responds, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
darcyd757 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is orange and red and lies on the side of the road?
A wounded cheesy poof.
RevDankes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"... yeah, wouldn't want to do that. I learned that the hard way. Twice." It's not complex but it gets a giggle.
Sp3ak_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's committed the most crimes in prison?
A bar of soap.
ovz123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Where does poor pasta live? . . . . . . . A: In the spaghetto.
(Actually saw this one in a different joke thread on AskReddit)
8jac0b88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 8 afraid of 9?
Because 9, 10, 11.
darklightsun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone ask "What's up?" I always answer "A direction?" in the same tone.
The funniest result was one day when I did this the girl I said it to turn beet-red walked up to me and asked "What did you just say?" I told her and she got a relieved look on her face and said "Oh I thought you said erection."
captainHighpants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock-knock
Whoโs there?
Control freak, and now you say โControl freak who?โ
...
SmoothestGooch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
have you heard about the man with 5 penises? They say his pants fit like a glove
JJGerms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream store. "I'll take a scoop of chocolate and a scoop of vanilla."
"Did you want that in a cup or a cone?"
"It doesn't matter, I'm just going to drop it anyways. "
getsangryatsnails ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't boxers have sex before a fight?
They don't fancy each other.
goodie3socks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The three friends agree that this is their chance to make it big and decide to go together to find this treasure.
After searching for months deep in the jungle, they come across a cave that they are certain contains the treasure. There are many traps within the cave: poisoned arrows, moats of crocodiles, pits of fire, and rolling boulders, but the three friends are determined to get their wealth. Finally, they reach the deepest part of the cave and it is filled with treasure: gold, diamonds, rubies, and more! In the center of the cave is a large sepulchre with the words of a strange language written across it and depictions of death and suffering all along its sides. The three friends paid it no heed and proceeded to fill their pockets and backpacks with treasure. Suddenly the door of the sepulchre burst open and a black, decrepit coffin floated out. From out of the coffin arose a rotting hand holding a large ceremonial dagger. The coffin slowly came towards Gary, Dan, and Job, the hand stabbing at the air as it went. The men let out a shriek, grabbed their bags full of treasure, and ran from the cave.
Years passed and the three men had enjoyed their newfound wealth, each buying his own luxurious mansion, servants, cars, and whatever they desired. One day, as Gary was staring out of his mansion window, he noticed something on the horizon. It was that coffin with the dreadful hand still stabbing at air, and it was slowly floating toward his home. Gary shouted for the butlers to bar the doors and Gary grabbed his prized elephant gun. The doors didn't stop the coffin though, it plodded right through. Gary shot frantically, but the bullets didn't affect the coffin at all. The coffin stabbed Gary, and the life faded quickly from his eyes.
Dan heard about Gary's death and feared for his own life, so he hired many trained mercenaries as guards to protect him. Soon enough, Dan saw the coffin coming for his luxurious mansion and sounded the alarm. The guards locked all of the doors and opened fire on the coffin, but it didn't stop! Grenades, machine guns, RPGs, none of it could stop the coffin. The guards, seeing the vanity of their efforts, fled in terror. Dan begged and begged for the coffin to stop, but it kept coming. The coffin stabbed Dan right in the heart, and the man fell to the ground lifeless, the white marble floor of his manor now marred by streaks of crimson.
Job, of course, heard of the deaths of his two friends and feared the coffin. He built a large wall of iron around his house, he hired guards, planted landmines, and set traps (he had the money to do so, afterall). When the coffin came, none of it helped. The coffin plowed through the wall, floated over the landmines, was unaffected by the traps, and overpowered the guards. The coffin busted down Job's mansion doors and began making it's way toward him. Job, desperate, began throwing anything he could grab at the coffin: dining room chairs, knives, forks, and even his pet cat (poor Mr. Whiskers!), but the coffin didn't stop. Job fled to his bathroom, hoping the coffin couldn't find him there, but he soon heard the swish of air from the swinging of the coffin's dagger. Before Job could attempt to flee again, the door came crashing down. In one final attempt to save his life, Job opened the bathroom medicine cabinet and threw a package of Halls extra strength lozenges, and the coffin stopped.
DontHoldYaBreath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marxman.
Lets you know how bright the person your telling it to is as well.
Spud999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two women are at a perfume counter in a store. The assistant says "this is a new perfume called 'venir ร moi' which is French for 'come to me', would you care to try it?"
She sprays a small sample for both women. They take in the smell for a moment.
The first one woman turns to the second and says "Hmmm, it doesn't smell like cum to me, does it smell like cum to you?"
wallcor24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
BassRustler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony to smoke a cigarrette, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, in his gym shorts 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started kicking at him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell onto a big awning and bounced into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, and pushed the fridge out onto the balcony and over the railing where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, my wife had moved around her potted plants and this morning I must have tripped over one or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started screaming and kicking at me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but by the grace of god, I fell onto and awning and bounced into some bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside this refrigerator..."
BigMacTunaStacks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cow say when he couldnโt find his friends ?
Whereโs the beef?
KITTYCATyumyum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy, whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy!!!
injabones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a redneck possessed by demons? Beelzebubba.
groggs42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one always makes me laugh. Probably because I like dogs and stupid jokes. Sorry if I am not telling it the right way.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he is drinking his beer he looks around the bar and sees a bunch of guys playing poker. He also notices a dog sitting at the table. The guy orders a second beer and keeps watching the guys playing poker. He then realizes the dog is playing poker with them !
He walks over and says "Wow, is that dog playing poker with you guys?"
One of the players says "Yep".
The guys says "That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!"
The player says "Not really, he wags his tail whenever he gets good cards."
=)
prawnlol22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two right legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Then you feel the vibe and if its okay: Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
GatorRich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I get the check from the waiter or waitress, โ hold on, I didnโt order ANY Tax!โ
Wait for laughter
lorencsr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If April showers bring may flowers what do may flowers bring?
Pilgrims....
Burritoman519 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats tall white and cant climb a tree? A fridge.
ShinMasaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Asians do during an erection?
They vote.
KissMyStinker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get down from an elephant?
You donโt. You get down from a goose.
nwarkeac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deez nuts
griter34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
LonePaladin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
trousername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Telling people awkward situations i've been in. Always works.
continew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Finally I can be fun at parties?
svemirskicevap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
dissaray80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs what she said...
MCFRESH01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm having a bad day I go to the grocery store and buy a pregnancy test so at least I can say I'm not pregnant. ( Works better if male)
mycrowwaves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dont know who this Rorschach guy is, but why does he keep making these pictures of my parents fighting?
JGalle8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "five beers, please."
Sweet_Taurus0728 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This Post is SO bookmarked.
pnandgillybean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies!
It never fails to make me laugh, but nobody else seems to
Cranthony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards, theyโd still be in the boat!!
SpaceRocker1994 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I fought in Vietnam, I went there last year and some kid took my Doritos so I hit him.
SamusAranSmith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a lazy man's go-to exercise?
Diddly squats
rabbit358 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a koala technically a bear? He has all the proper koalafications
_TheConsumer_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a Medieval King keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
mandlehandle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
so I order this chicken and this egg off Amazon the other month ...
silence (think about it before you downvote)
EwokStomper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a ninja's favorite drink?
wa-TAH!
schtvr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty niche, but if someone talks about having a son and a daughter I always say "collect all two". It has slayed every time. Like way more than it deserves.
fairypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.
_Tibs_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask someone really enthusiastically if they like something that you like. Then when they say no just be like oh ya me either. I swear on my life people laugh the first time every time. Example:
โYea thatโs a good TV show. Hey have you seen breaking bad!?โ :D
โNah not my type of show.โ
โHeh yea same...โ
โLOL wait whatโ
Itโs all in the delivery.
icemountainisnextome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to as of the last year or so has been -
Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?
[Insert literally any answer here]
That's the spirit!
TheWholeSandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who murdered his client?
He's a small medium at large.
alelop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy goes into work late and his boss tells him "mate, you should have been here at 8.30" then the guy says to his boss "why, what happen at 8.30"
bonkersllama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've just sold my old hoover. Well, it was just collecting dust...
deltacharlie-52 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
DrGonzoDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Alexander556 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor: Sir, your really have to stop masturbating. Patient: But why? Doctor: Cause otherwise I can not examine you.
mni-sr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read that as "go-to-never fail joke".
88Tygon88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between the 69 position and a traffic jam?
The asshole is always in front of you!
dmitch4300 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does every tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.
potsandpans247 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
thewouldbeaztec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the horse say when he fell down?
Help! I can't giddy up!!
Immature_Chicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
carterthekidr6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Inside joke: HAH (High pitched.)
The joke is a darker one. It pretty much means shooting yourself with a suppressed pistol
capta1n_sarcasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disney world?
She sat on pinocchio's face and screamed, "lie to me pinocchio, lie to me!"
popsomebrozac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So Iโm banging this dude in the ass the other night.........
In the heat of the moment he starts touching my balls...
I right there I fucking push him off me a dam like,
โWhat, are you gay bro?โ
thetexasunicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And?
popsomebrozac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I re edited it to finish
mediapunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The moth joke
novelty27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them
LagMadeMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
This is my go to joke every time
DownTownUpDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok so a mushroom walks into a bar........I'm a fun guy
meet_kleplin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When anyone talks about working out or going for a run, I drop a quick โI only run from my problems.โ Never fails.
thelogikalone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
-- To get some drugs
idrinkbeersalot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
Iโll tell you tomorrow...
HarveyHypocrisy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"That joke never gets old! You know what else never gets old? An aborted fetus."
kotamagota ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a three humped camel?
Pregnant
mr_trumpandhillary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So...Ya like jazzzzz
DonKeighbals ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Biff: "What's a pirates favorite letter of the alphabet?" Patrice: "R?" Biff: "Ah, no, it be the C."
spamcritic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said we need to see other people due to my obsession with Linkin Park
But in the end it doesn't even matter
Pretty sure I saw it on reddit somewhere and i kinda carlos mencia'd it IRL
7ballcraze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Make jokes about how wine is just mommy juice
kabukistar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was a salted.
LiliAtReddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pilot, priest, little boy, and the smartest man in the world on an airplane. Pilot comes out, says this airplane is going down, 3 parachutes for 4 people, someone won't make it and it's not going to be him. He jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Smartest man in the world explains he's the smartest man in the world, the world will simply not be alright without him, he can't die, grabs one and jumps out.
Priest turns to the little boy and tells him he's had a full, happy life and the boy's is just beginning, you take the last parachute.
Boy says, "We can both have one. The smartest man in the world just jumped out wearing my backpack."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo mama so old she's got a separate entrance for black dicks
nachoswithsteeze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo you guys got MySpace
ItsABluesquake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you spin an oriental around? They get disoriented.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Sucks itโs dick.
cassielfsw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.
EH_Army ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
...So the moth says..."That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?"
And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry -- braces and such."
And...and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
"But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!"
nccboss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did u hear about the man with one leg??? He took a bonner, and walked home.
ellyconcaffeine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds? Thereโs twenty of them!
PM_ME_YOUROUY_EM_MP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Mattyboy8577 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd tell you but I'd need a rubber glove and a condom machine
thedanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it.
MeditateOrMasterbate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and toss it back
Muino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's ET short for?
He's got little legs!
(usually followed by a long groan when they get it)
mmee123456789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why not? Are we the only country that says bra and measures in letters?
TheManicMonocle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off?
Heโs all right now!
Sadly thereโs nothing left of him.
henbolives2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What do you call a man with no shins?"
"Tony"
Delphinerin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock
Whoโs there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
....yeah lol so childish but usually elicits a smile (:
thackson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is r/jokes wet dream
xmagusx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Note to ground crew: "Something loose in cockpit"
Note to pilot: "Something tightened in cockpit"
GrahamPeters ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get it
washoutr6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's loose? A switch, a screw, the seatbelt, anything??
GrahamPeters ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooh i smart.
Spark_Dancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Jibediah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar, and stays there for my whole childhood
EmpireFW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing a calendar? He got 12 months.
kurtn0tk1rk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were in an oven, and one muffin says, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" The other muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
Muminq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
D u speak English?
Yes i don't.
UrusaiBakaBonza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar. The barman turns and says "What is this, some kind of joke??"
Roundpegsquarehole1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?..
Boobees!
manmo5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?...
Because they're really good at it!
RogerPackinrod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they take things literally.
Everyone always says "because they steal them?" so it always gets them.
jack_e_treehorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm seeing a lot of Yogi Berra styled jokes here
bearxor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When driving and a bug hits the windshield...
โBet he doesnโt have the guts to do that again.โ
mccoolycool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(The delivery on this joke has to make it seem like an amazing one) SO, two giraffes walk into a bar and one falls over, the bartender says whats tgat lyin' there the other giraffe says thats not a lion, it's a giraffe
feynanimous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part about rollerblading?
Telling your parents you're gay
Midziu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to a chicken.
coreanavenger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup--
MOOOOO!
washoutr6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This always kills the 5 year olds.
HanginLowNd2daLeft ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Calls friend on phone : what hangs down and has a little dick ? Friend: idk what ? Me: A bat Me: What has a big dick and hangs up ? Friend: idk what ? Me: hangs up phone on friend Bum dum Tis!
Stolen from a comedian , i canโt remember his name at this time but if someone knows please credit .
silvertopbeauty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute after they were done having sex?
Keep the tip
Rick-powerfu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
kendrickshalamar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You: Did you hear about that actress that killed her husband? Reese Wither...Wither...
Friend: Witherspoon?
You: No, with a knife
Ratsarefats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Felipe Flop
IndianaJD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? Err, where does Dracula like to water ski?
BlasterBilly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
gablerr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do we want?
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!
When do we want it?
NEEOWWWWW
CoraPatel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?... In his sleevies!
I'll see myself out.
bakedbreadjen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. He says Ow.
M4c14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint.
thanksbastards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2:30?! That's the same time as my dentist appointment!
BuddyReed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHow many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?โ โI dunno, how many?โ โMore then 50 because my basementโs still dark!โ
TheAbyssGazesAlso ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire
Duvkav1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a stoat and a weasel? A weasel is weaselly identified and a stoat is stoatally different.
I inherited it from my Grandad as my standard itโs so bad itโs good go to joke.
asswoopman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into the bar looking sad. Bartender: what's wrong horsie? Horse: do you see that dog by the door, licking his balls? Bartender: uhh.. Yeah? Horse: well... I wish I could do that. The bartender looks the horse up and down and asks; "well, why can't you?" Horse: Well first of all I don't even know him.
JollyHoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The one about the blind carpenter, who picked up his hammer and saw.
CrediAtruin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh, do you have any kids?"
"None that I know about, haha."
It's such a dumb joke but it gets a laugh from the anyone whose never heard it Every. Single. Time. So dumb.
ItsMajorObviousNow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns dont work.
Hydroguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd suck her dads dick to get a taste of the recipe.
ilikebigchucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogy in it!
scrotallywicked ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other: โYou man the guns, Iโll drive.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counterclockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
abbienormal28 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day...
Cloud_Manboobs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says "Is it hot in here or is it you?" The other muffin screams " Oh my God, a talking muffin !"
Solfudge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stick your finger in the air and twirl it around. Keep doing that.
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Wha.
Wha-who?
wahoo.
I've been able to get the most stone-cold, black-hearted wretch to crack a smile with this one. It's my go-to cheer-me-up joke.
washoutr6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Hey man, guess what?
Them: What?
Me: Chickenbutt, haha got you again!
whoisariston ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar...youโd figure the second one would duck.
JustRice015 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which Round Table knight did collect the tax for the King?. Sir Charge.
Nastyboots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The mulch joke from Bojack Horseman always kills
Richer_than_God ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You want to hear my impression of a pretentious orphan?
"Do you know who my father is?"
neonsense ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is Forrest Gump's favorite kind of noodle? Penne
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
YeaIFistedJonica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worse than finding 12 oysters in your grandmas pussy?
Finding 13 when you only put 12 in there
lostinthegarden1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have this hilarious joke about my dick... I'd share it here but it's far too long
Drokrath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does everybody like the mushroom?
He's a fungi
trickysghost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ur mom gay And then a stream of random emojis like ๐๐จ๐๐๐ฎ๐๐๐๐ฒ๐ฅ๐๐ฒ
Geekqueen15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay maybe it's cause my grandad would tell the joke "a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face"?
wadsworthsucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
...We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it! we on Pluto!", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies!!
spoopy_elliot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know whats interesting? so whenever a guy sleeps with a lot of different women heโs called a stud, player, legend or something of the sorts. But when a woman sleeps with a lot of different men, sheโs called your mom.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Remember when you were young, and you thought your dad was superman? Then you got older and realized he's just a drunk guy in a cape.
(Dave Attell, I think)
Psychotic_Precision ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep an Idiot in suspense?
condumitru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Myself usually :P
Milky_Elephant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's 2 muffins in an oven.
The first muffin says damn it's hot in here.
Second muffin says holy shit a talking muffin!
Underwaterbob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog?
gwf4eva ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in mud.
chudd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At work if anyone asks, who was that guy?
The answer is Dick Fitswell... Every time.
BackdoorSpecial ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what Mario and Luigiโs overalls are made of?
Denim denim denim (to the bowser castle theme)
freshair2020 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club...
(Thatโs the whole joke, told to me by a Canadian)
fordyford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
Usually followed by what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea, what do you call a deer with no eyes which just has itโs legs cut off? Still no bloody idea? And occasionally what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs having sex? Still no fucking idea
Babbjerry651 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What'd the duck say when he bought the lipstick?
Just put it on my bill.
Becoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you happen to have any up dog?
fonzie90tx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When is it ok to punch a midget in the nuts? When heโs standing next to your girlfriend and he tells her hair smells pretty.
guardian6139 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep a clown from laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
How do you keep a little kid from laughing?
Hit him in the face with a dead clown.
Lascivious_Wrecks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
taraisthegreatest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "we don't serve your kind here." Mushroom says "why not? I'm a FUNGI."
dunaja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to have two kidneys.
But then I grew up and now I have two adult knees.
Jstraley13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did George Washington tell his men before crossing the Delaware by boat?
Get In
Why is George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Because heโs dead
scamlikenewton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.
Fwafy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a group of bandits who stole all of their instruments?
Bandits.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just look in the mirror.
Forward1115 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"
Pirate looks at him and says, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts"
Chrisisvenom2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do chicken coupes have two doors?
Cause if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
points at foot
Das a foot
Takes water bottle and points at knee
Dasani
Ba-dum-tiss
The lamest joke I found on the internet and it gets people every single time...
Childishyao ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If the queen of england had balls she'd be the king.
DekoTheCoward ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i am pungry...
HorribleJoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between cancer and my dad?
Cancer came back.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't matter where we are, but if there's coca-cola around, a good ol' coke joke never fails to make my sister laugh.
nomad274 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a psychiatrist office dressed in plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says well I can clearly see your nuts
TheSpacePirateWay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar.
VictorWynns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this ALL the time.
Why does the Avon Lady walk funny?
Because her lipstick.
Crappin_For_Christ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know your dog is gay?
Cause his dick tastes like shit.
KillisTheMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What part of a vegetable is hardest to eat?
Kynast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me:"What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?" Friend(s): Wut is it Me:"You can drop her off anywhere." Friend(s): die of wheezing laughter cause we're high as fuck
Lefice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of my dad's: Have you heard of the corduroy pillowcase? It's making head lines.
Captain_Comic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the square root of 69?
8 (ate) something
TheNstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why cant an orphan buy a large bag of chips?
it was family sized
definitely_not_tina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? "Do you smell carrots?"
gingerbeard_house ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs
sinistermorgan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there are these two muffins, sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and asks โIs it just me, or is it getting warmer in here?โ The second muffin turns to his friend and squeaks โHoly shit a talking muffin!โ
The squeaky second muffin voice is part of the charm, and Iโve had excellent results from all ages - just replace the expletive with something age-appropriate and youโre golden.
marsh606 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make dill bread?
Dill dough
JakeWolfe22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
TheRealMarshalLee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel down the stairs and ravioli on me
thatguyworks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
"If we just stick together we can stop all this shit."
420xMLGxNOSCOPEx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
this one is a me original
what do africans eat for breakfast? ebola cereal
reddit2procrastin8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick in your mom.
phatoctopus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always found this joke I made great . One of the reason is I work at Office Depot so all my employees love it when they are feeling under the weather.
What do you call a dry erase marker with the cap off? Exposed!
MrLebronWeasley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of swimsuit do you wear to the zoo?
A zucchini
becksaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the worst thing about a nosy pepper?
They get jalapeรฑo business!
bshadowthrowaway9113 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyโd the director get kicked out of the bar?
He was making a scene.
He_Need_Some_Milk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is an insane peacock called? A peanut
TheDopedUp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"My d*ck may be short, but my god is it ever skinny!"
CookieOmNomster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"So a guy comes into this bar... no wait, it was a horse.
So a guy comes into this horse..."
~wait patiently for reaction~
Jstraley13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven One looks at the other and says โMan itโs hot in here!โ The other ones says โHoly shit a talking muffin!โ
Aqasim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did here about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great!
sailor_viola ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
Then (inevitably): Arrr, ha ha
Me: you would think, but nay. His first love be the C.
YatesRocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?
She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
n_word ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo mama.
ieatassonfirstdate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just saying Sayings in times they don't fit. Like "when in Rome... " while noone is doing anything important. Or "like my daddy used to say..." and just leave the room
Nonzi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a summer camp for kids with ADHD? A concentration camp
HairlessWombat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the sorority girl say when she lost her pencil?
"I can't even write now!"
FittyTheBone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef Stroganoff!
JennixAnn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Blue_turtle1476 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโve always wanted to be an astronaut but people kept on telling me the skies the limit
Jackk6000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rich lady said to her butler โDraw me a milk bathโ
The butler says โpasteurized?โ
The lady responds โno, up to my boobs is fine.โ
issi_tohbi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a psychiatristโs office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. He says โOh god doc, youโve gotta help me!โ The doctor takes one look at him and says โWell, I can clearly see ur nutsโ
m1lgram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bird go to the doctor?
To get tweetment.
k3pr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender looks at him and asks โawww. What a cute guy! Where did you get him?โ The frog looks back at the bartender and says โBROOKLYN! There are millions of em!โ
uncle_touchy_dance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use an anti joke usually. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Mr_Mayhem7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you circumcise someone from West Virginia?
Kick his sister in the jaw
zeroanthem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs black and eats pussy?
Cervical cancer.
corrigun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The jam/jelly one always makes me giggle.
jazzgolem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one john say to the other john?
Man, you look flushed.
myworlddown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapuss
meaty_maker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a Scottish Highlander and The Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones say - hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
The Scottish Highlander says - hey McCloud, get offa my ewe! (Said with a poor excuse for a Scottish accent)
therealsib ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you see when a duck pull down his pants? His butt-quack.
remy_porter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It depends on whom I'm trying to avoid failing, butโฆ
See, there were these two horses. They grew up in the same barn, they ate the same hay- they were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do.
One day, a big series of races came up, and the second horse walked over to the first horse and said, "Hey, man- I need you to do me a huge favor. You always beat me by just a little bit, and, well, my owner is threatening to send me off to the glue factory if I don't win at least one race today. I mean, we grew up in the same barn, ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. You gotta help me out man!"
The first horse replied, "Of course I'll help you! I mean, we grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. I promise, you'll win the first race."
Well, it comes around time to run the first race, and the horses line up at the gate. The gate goes up, the gun goes off, and they're a here and a there and a here and a there and the first horse wins!
The second horse comes over and says, "Hey, I thought you were going to let me win that one. I mean, we grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do."
The first horse apologizes. "I was just so excited, with the gate, the gun, the here, the there. I'm so sorry. We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. I promise, you'll win the second race."
So the horses line up at the gate for the second race. The gate goes up, the gun goes off, and they're a here and a there and a here and a there and the first horse wins, AGAIN!
Now, the second horse is getting a little upset. He storms over and shouts at the first horse, "We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do. I thought we had a deal! I thought we were friends!"
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," the first horse said. "It was just, the jockey was whipping my ass so hard, and there was this cute filly in the stable I was showing off for, and- I'm so sorry. We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do, and you know I'd do anything for you. I promise, you'll win this last race."
"I'd better."
So the horses line up at the gate for the third and final race. The gate goes up, the gun goes off, and they're a here and a there and a here and a there and the first horse wins, AGAIN!
The second horse has had it. He storms over into the Winner's Circle and punches the first horse. "We grew up in the same barn! We ate the same hay! We were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do! This is what I get for years of friendship? Well screw you too!" And the second horse jumps into his Mustang convertible and drives off.
"Oh no!" cries the first horse. "My best friend! We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do! I've got to do something!" And he leaps into his fuel-efficient hybrid and goes tearing off after the second horse.
Their manager the dog shouts out, "Stop! No! Those were my two best horses! They grew up in the same barn, they ate the same hay, they were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do! I have to stop them." He leaps into his Greyhound bus and peals out after them.
And they're a here and a there and a here and a there and a here and the second horse is running out of gas. So he pulls his Mustang convertible off to the side of the road and leaps out. He bolts for a nearby cliff to end it all. The first horse leaps out of his fuel-efficient hybrid and chases after him. And they start fighting at the edge of the cliff. "We grew up in the same barn, we ate the same hay- we were like two peas in a pod, which is really hard for two horses to do!" the first horse yells. "I can't let you do this."
The Greyhound bus screeches to a halt and the dog leaps out. "Stop the insanity!" he screams.
The two horses stop fighting, in shock. The first horse turns to the second and says, "Hey look, a talking dog."
owndpepe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man enters in a cafe
Splash
aoravecz87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight SEAL!
KassandraComplex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhat do you call the guy who made Cโs all through medical school?โ
โDoctor.โ
(Usually said to calm down med students freaking out. Always gets laughs.)
biggins9227 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Go up to a guy and ask if he remembers his first blow job, then ask how it tasted
savvysaysheyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i was gonna make a gay joke, butt fuck it.
the_fathead44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Soooo... Bitches be shoppin.
-Abbytjie- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?" It's important to ask this very seriously, then react to their concern with
"It's ok, he woke up."
LooseMemery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I see a dog I say โthatโs a big catโ Whenever I see a horse I say โthatโs a big dogโ And whenever I see a cat I says โthatโs a small dogโ
It confuses and entertains.
Keithinator89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roaminโ Catholic!
WheresMySpycamera ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What is Brown and Sticky? A: A Stick
eri_kas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are the two sexiest animals on the farm? Brown chick and brown cow.
seasaltsandsun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the lifeguard save the drowning hippy? Cause he was too far out man
23Whargoul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two ducks are taking a bath. One duck says to the other duck "Pass the soap."
The other duck says, "No soap, radio."
I then start laughing maniacally. The look on peoples faces is pricless.
bohica1937 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his pants. Bartender asks "what's with the steering wheel?" Pairate says ( in your best pirate voice ) "aarrgh! I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!"
freddierainbow117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you like about my mum,
Leave me out of it.
HamDunkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.
OuterInnerMonologue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, after being thrown in the ocean?
Bob
ThamusWitwill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Giraffe and a zoo keeper walk into a bar. They both get drunk and the giraffe passes out. Zoo keeper starts to leave when the bartender tells him "hey, you cant leave that lyin' there" the zoo keeper says "thats not a lion, its a giraffe"
My other one: A drum set falls down a mountain. BA DUM TSSS!
RobertDaulson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Mexicans not cross the border in groups of 3?
The signs say "no trespassing".
vigorosomoon48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's a invertebrate with a penny? a centipede
young-and-mild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"dick sucking noises"
WaaaLuiigi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever in Latin America and someone tells me I speak good Spanish, I say, โthanks, you tooโ.
wee_man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got music,
I've got rhyth
m.
DandythoZz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just stick random shit in my hair, works everytime
EricShenn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.
Badpuppy1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mean friend: "Your wife is so hot. How did YOU get her?"
Me: "I overachieved."
Shuts them up and I always get a chuckle.
BrownBirdDiaries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Bartender goes, "That's cool! Where'd you get that?!?"
And the frog says, "I dunno. Started out as a bump on my butt."
I heard Garrison Keillor tell this a million years ago.
greeneyedcreeper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: I have a knock knock Joke, but you have to start me out.
Them: Knock knock?
Me:Whoโs there?
btfx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Russian, this is my go-to joke on the subject:
Russian man in America goes into a cafe and gets a cup of tea.
At the end the waiter brings the check and asks:
The man is intrigued, so the next day he goes to a different cafe:
The third day the man is determined, but the same thing happens!
The man is visibly upset:
The waiter calmly replies:
btfx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And my favorite joke in Russian:
1 Vasilisa the Beautiful - a female protagonist of a children's story, and a common stand-in for either a heroic girl, or a generic trophy girl - sometimes a princess and heiress to the throne.
2 Ilya Muromets - a folk hero from several old poems, and common generic heroic stand-in.
3 Actually "subtle cliff", but the point is they're overlooking woods.
4 The version I heard uses "uproot" but this text says "break". 5 It's actually a 3-iteration joke, with the 2nd iteration being "what about an oak?" - "[Sure], an oak too I will break!", but the version I heard goes straight to the punchline.
6 "ัะพัะฝั" is the subject form8 of "ัะพัะฝะฐ" which means pine tree, but it's also the future first-person form9 of "to suck momentarily".
7 He doesn't say "damn", but his word choice for "break" suggests that he will be strongly motivated and do it recklessly.
8 Technically: "accusative singular"
9 Technically: "first-person singular future indicative perfective"
tropigirl88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
...
...with an itheberg
Vampchic1975 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This was my two year olds favorite joke.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk! ๐๐๐
Leneord1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many [insert group name] does it take to fix a light bulb? Doesn't matter, because of [stereotypical group trait]
slapemjackem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite two go-tos:
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says โI sure hope you know how to drive this thing!โ
And
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
xxxAntiHeroxxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 2 skunks doing 69? Odor Eaters
bloodfist45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody told me you look like an owl
wursmyburrito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind girl fall off the swings? Because she had no arms!!!
MeatNGrit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Batman: Superman is a snitch.
Superman: ...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
perfect r/jokes farming!
Budrick3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mom always said If it ain't broke it ain't ours
nps_1904 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do farts stink?
TeamSuperSonics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirates favorite letter?
R?
In pirate accent YOU THINK IT BE R BUT IT BE THE C
byzantinebobby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side.
doverthere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms
bremergorst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs these two fish in a tank.
One fish looks to the other and says, โDo you know how to drive this thing?โ
Jclew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bus full of Catholic school girls crashes. They all die.
They are in line at the pearly gates.
St Peter says, "Sally, have you ever touched a penis?" Sally says, "Yes. But just once! With this finger." St Peter asks her to dip the finger in the holy water and proceed through the gates.
"Come forward Nicole, same question," says St peter. Nicole responds, "Yes, with both hands!" She is then asked to wash them in the holy water and pass through, into heaven.
All of a sudden there is a huge commotion and a girl shoves her way to the front. St Peter remarks, "there is no hurry Sandra, we have all of eternity." A very desperate Sandra replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that water then I'm sure as hell going to get it over with before Betsy here dips her ass in it!"
DJBitterbarn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in the trees?
They're really, really good at it.
Strix0239 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the neighborhing seas said to each other?
Nothing, they just waved.
EryMirrin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm Stevie Wonder and youโre watching Disney channel.
captainkush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do light beer and sex in a canoe have in common?
It's fucking close to water
LoZeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Ah, Spring in England is lovely! I absolutely love it! I was gutted last year when I missed it, I was at the bathroom"
urabewe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4 gay guys walk into a bar. The 5th one ducks.
Bshawed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too lazy to search if this is a repeat, so sorry in advance. This is my go to:
Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies!!
sexysweetyhoneypie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
(Obviously best spoken aloud)
MrDiddelz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I just want a nice girl to settle down with and have sex with while I call her daddy."
"Don't touch me there, you're not my priest."
Theres_A_FAP_4_That ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
chibears6912 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom.
TheSl0thWrangler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a seal walks into a club...
theunstoppablenipple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the national poetry finals, the last 2 contestants are a Harvard educated english professor and a redneck! Their task is to create a 4 line poem containing the word timbuktu!
Each contestant is given a couple of minutes to think of a poem and then the professor goes first.
"Slowly across the desert sand Rode a lonely caravan Men on camels 2 by 2 Destination timbuktu"
Nobody thought he could be beat until the redneck stepped up to the mic
"Now me and tim a' huntin went Found three women in a pop up tent Now they was 3 and we was 2 So i bucked one and tim bucked two"
The redneck won
WeRip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks to the other muffin and says "holy shit! It's hot in here!" The other muffin looks at the first muffin and says "holy shit! A talking muffin!"
tarquynn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know the hardest part of using molasses? ... ... Catching the moles.
Reddit_is_2_liberal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a life.
shinypanda99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โmy kid woulda been a year old todayโ โwhat happenedโ โi pulled outโ
dodley1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's one similarity between an eagle and a shark?
They both live in the water, except for the eagle
conditackler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What if you woke up one day to find out your nipples were completely gone like no scars. Just flat skin, and then once you leave your room you find out your Dad died last night. Several days later you find out your entire life he had been sneaking into your room while you slept and sucking on your chest to make two gigantic hickeys where your nipples should be because you were born without them. Not for any sexual reason just so you would fit in.
-God bless you Dad.
Xikiri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
folejacks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he is hung like this (spread arms in crucifixion pose).
OaklandDers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm a medical student and love to use this one.
Did you read that paper about diarrhea being hereditary?
Yeah shit runs in your genes
SoaR_Penguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see, said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red, but smells like blue paint? Red paint
sccitylhh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
One to screw it in, and one to suck my dick.
refusalskills ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the average price of dead batteries?
No charge.
Charlieness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Throw a ball at a friend and "nice snatch" then immediately say "good catch too"
hisroyaldudness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Irishmen sitting in front of his house?
Paddy O'Furniture
Antwan789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the girl ghost crying? She didnโt have any booooobies
Try2Relax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kinds of bees make milk?
Boobies!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? -No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? -Still no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no nuts? -Still no fucking eye deer
PixInsightFTW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fit an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
Take the S out of Safe and the F out of Way...
TheFlyingGooch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What?
ps_she_wants_the_D ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician was finishing up a show, before his last trick he goes off into the back to prepare for his final stunt. At this time his assistant takes the stage and tells the audience, "for his final trick, the Mexican magician will disappear on the count of three" the magician takes the stage and looks out to the crowd, he then says "uno, dos" and then poof, he disappeared without a tres!
satans_right_nut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are in the break room at work, when one starts to laugh to himself.
"What's so funny?" the coworker asks.
"Oh, last night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the peas, and instead I said what I was thinking, which was 'Can we have sex please?'" he replied.
The other guy chuckled and replied, "I did the same thing last night, I went to ask my wife to pass the salt, but what accidentally came out was, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life!'"
obliviousgould ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Burger walks into a bar and the barman says "whoa, what you doing? We don't serve food in here"
flintmflb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are ET's eyes so big?
Because he saw his phone bill
DLPyromania ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Flyers hockey :(
silverback1970 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?.....2 but don't ask me how they got in there.
domesideways ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Request0aa sana af
fabulously-frizzy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican fire fighter name his kids? Hose-A and Hose-B
JTDrift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Different kinds of bees make different kind of honey. But what kinda of bees make milk? Boo-bees!
DrkReaper88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lizard walks through the jungle. Suddenly, the lizard begins to smell something. He looks up, and a monkey is smoking weed in a tree.
"Hey Monkey Man... You have any weed to share?," asked the lizard.
"Sure thing buddy. Come on up," replied the monkey.
So the lizard climbed the tree and began to smoke with the monkey. After a while, the lizard began to cough uncontrollably.
"You alright?," the monkey asked.
"Yeah...," replied the lizard. "I just have a case of dry mouth."
"Well there is a water hole nearby."
The lizard nodded and climbed out of the tree. He eventually found his way to the water hole, and began to drink. As he did so, an alligator crawled out of the water.
The alligator sniffed the air and then asked, "What is that smell?"
"There is a monkey in a tree smoking weed. You should check it out," suggested the lizard.
The alligator shrugged, and headed into the jungle. Upon finding the monkey in the tree he said, "Hey Monkye Man.... Got any left?"
The monkey looked down and said, "Of course I..... Holy Hell! How much water did you drink?"
Babygirl246 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
wrongbat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:55:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come inโฆ
Babygirl246 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:42:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're supposed to say who's there!!๐๐
wrongbat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:49:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your supposed to say who's there who?
Namby-Pamby_Milksop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who's there?
Babygirl246 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:40:29 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody
Namby-Pamby_Milksop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:41:31 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something's wrong with my door, then.
Also I'm talking to myself. But that isn't new, so oh well.
Babygirl246 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Haha Yeah, this joke used to kill. It's the only one I know so I tell everyone all the time so it's ironic and people still laugh. I got it off the TV when radio Disney had a channel with music and a radio talk show kids would call in to.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish in the tank say to the other fish in the tank?
"Hey...how do you drive this thing?"
Nvj5497 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog in a bath? A shampoodle
Hantis22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
BroHello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know diarrhea is herriditary?
Because it runs in your jeans!
SuperSonicSexMachine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and smells like bacon? Kermitโs finger
XvXJFvX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An oldie, but a goodie. My favorite is What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse? The circus is full of cunning stunts...
regents17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the beef cooking contest on Mt. Everest?
Steaks were pretty high!
Whopraysforthedevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar. Asks the bartender, "you got any helicopter flavored potato chips?" Bartender says, "no, we've only got plane"
Theres_A_FAP_4_That ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first time I upvoted every thing
clemoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
ThisWorksGood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure. I just know it's more than three because my basement is still really dark
fahq58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a baby seal walks into a club...
attikol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an insane squirrel
attikol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:28 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a nutter
dtisme53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny
cmunerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you'll see later and one you'll see after a while. My kids love it.
ninjapickle24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Telling someone to go to r/jokes
chefinite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaaaaay!
wee-dancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I get asked "What's up" a lot at my work. So my go to response is "Not my growth chart" I'm 4'2.
IshouldntButIDid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club
stonedsaswood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I WILL NEVER TELL!
Bleans01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best part about sex with 21 year olds?
There's twenty of them -_-.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhatโs white, black and red all over?โ
Normally they think theyโve heard this joke before and hit you with a quick โa newspaperโ.
โNah, a nun...rolling down a hill. โ
dickcomments ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bunch of black men in a barn?
Antique Farm Equipment.
winedineshawty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhere do duck farts come from?โ โTheir butt-quacksโ
Gnostromo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best part of having sex with twenty nine year olds.
Thereโs twenty of them!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Rectum hell killed him dead!
cheaney05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Mexican clock say? Tick taco
Ndeek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.
a_cup_of_tee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I dated a half korean girl once. Her dad was korean and her mom was korean.
She didnt have any legs.
jacktastick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did all the ladies love Jesus? * stretches arms open wide * Because he was hung like this
5yearsinthefuture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
JollyGoodShow21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a drunk German trying to speak English? Dutch.
djd1ed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Point to a man standing in the middle of an open area and say. "There's a man outstanding in his field."
MrSeabody ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a cow with a lawnmower? A lawnmooer.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.
You gotta prime 'em with the shit joke first.
what_exactly_happend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a mathematician do when they're constipated?
Work it out with a pencil
McWaddle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Pl4y3r404 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then, the bartender told the guy "we dont serve time traveler here"
...
...
...
...
...
...
...A guy walk into a bar...
Another one but only work with french people in a situation who "could upset you"
" j'en ai marre, je jette l'รฉponge" ( mean i give up)
And then casually throw a sponge ( รฉponge)
FreakyFreakyKaleeki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Have you ever smelled moth balls? Them: yes Me: oh, howโd you get their tiny little legs apart?
pinkiexpie42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What s the difference between a baby and a pizza....
I don't fuck the pizza before I eat it.
markmann0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Damn.
SquirrelHumper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, but this is an always fail joke.
So this Texan goes to a bar in Dublin and says "I will pay $500 to anyone that can drink 50 Guinness' in a row". So Paddy gets up and leaves the pub. Comes back an hour later and says, "Ill take that bet" and proceeds to drink 50 pints of Guinness in a row. Afterwards the Texan asks him "why did you leave and come back?". Padstow says "I had to go home and see if I could do it first.
Skrap93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me:Oh my god did you hear about that boy born with no eyelids? Them: what oh no thatโs awful. Me: oh no itโs on the doctors were able to take his fore skin and make some. Heโs gonna be ok just a little cockeyed. Sorry for formatting Iโm on mobile. Someone can steal this and make it better for the people.
Pengoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
While pouring the beer, the bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you here...."
Grasshopper says "No shit. You have a drink named Stanley ?"
It's gotten to the point that I only have to say "Grasshopper walks into a bar..." and my wife cracks up. Not sure what that's about.
ColonelKepler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy walks into a bar...then a table, then a chair.
Nolungz18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks up to a pirate and sees a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Man: Sir do you realize that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?? Pirate: YARRR and it's drivin me nuts!
King__Vitaman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man leaves his belongings and joins a buddhist monastery. He vows silence but may speak once every ten years.
Ten years pass and the head monk asks him how is his life. The man says โgood, food could be betterโ and returns to silence.
Another ten years pass and again the head monk asks how life is. โFine, but the beds could be softerโ and returns to silence.
Ten years pass. The head monk returns to the man and the man saysโ itโs been nice, but Iโm going to quit the monk lifeโ. The head monk responds โ Iโm not supposed, all youโve done is complain since you got hereโ
Scizmz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Random: Hey you're funny!
Me: Yeah but looks aren't everything! Don't be so judgmental!
Fethah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I show up.
diogenes_amore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Halfway.
FortyEightThousand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime one of my buddies farts or burps I immediately reply
โSmells like dick.โ
OreoSwordsman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
GreyReanimator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If Abe Lincoln was alive today what would he be doing?
Clawing at the inside of his coffin.
BroHello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because their really good at it!
chucklesluck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(Inevitably): ... R?
Me: No, it be the C.
mahbluebird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do people never starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there
8urfiat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
GreyReanimator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What side of a puppy has the most fur?
The outside.
nemthenga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A 15-minute trilogy of monk-related shaggy dog stories. The groans fuel my soul.
FloCity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No u
agree-with-you ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you both
Delirium4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby harp seal walks into a club
Higgs-Bosun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the girl who was gang raped by the street mimes?
I hear they did unspeakable things to her.
Master_Roshi3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"_________" That was my Nick name back in community college.
Crustopher23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helen Keller went to town a-riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it shmerfpurghrerdjs.
Blu64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper looks at him puzzled and says "you have a drink named bob?"
cementskateboard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt Batman go to church?
Christian Bale
PR43T0R14N ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gay jokes aren't funny, cum on guys
quififustilbPRQZX731 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a gay joke butt fuck it.
krink85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and has 8 wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels
Smashley516 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
SudoTheNym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny is playing in his room when BANG! a time machine appears. A guy steps out and says ' Hey little Johnny! I'm you from the future!' Little Johnny says 'That's awesome! I always wanted to know - what do I grow up to become?' Older Johnny locks the door and says 'A pedophile!'
quififustilbPRQZX731 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let's make like a baby and head out
yougotyolks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? She answered the iron.
How did she burn the other side of her face? They called back.
FibonacciFanBoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?"
To which the pirate responds, "Arrr, 'tis drivin' me nuts!"
DEL1SLE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says:
โHow the fuck do you drive this thing?โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies!!
DeadDogRising ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What so you call a Mexican with a green card
A free rangee Mexican
quififustilbPRQZX731 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You smell like daddies kisses
yobiondo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Christian Bale
psycopuppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
the aristocrats!!!
jjjeffery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I try doing something in life people usually laugh. So I suppose that counts
kittenslolol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two termites walk into a bar and they ask, "Is the bar tender here?"
following_eyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
SNOWBALLS! HAHAHAHA! I KNOW IT IS SO GOOD RIGHT?! RIGHT?!
OfficialSandwichMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when you remove the president's pictures from money?
Defacing currency!
redditt2017 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
(Very funny when you've had a few drinks.
Soul_Traitor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do dinosaurs do in the rain?
They get wet!
ericdub3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You guys wanna go ride bikes?
your_clam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "How ya doing?" Me: "oh you know, living the dream!" It gets less funny every time I say it.
docious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a joke I tell but I like pondering "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side" as a metaphor for life itself.
Why do we continue living a sometimes painful an scary life with uncertain reward or peril around every corner? Because why not.
Mclaytonanderson1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says, " What can I get ya?" Polar bear says, " I'll have a.................beer." Bartender looks at him funny, pours a beer, and asks, "why the big pause?" Polar bear holds up his paws and says, "I dunno I've had 'em my whole life."
Hear about the fire at the circus? It was intents!
jmuise87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you're scared of pedophiles, grow up.
unexpected_v16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandad fell down a well because he couldnโt see that well
captain-yogurt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of people in this world....
And I donโt like them
hangout_wangout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
R3id ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The prom joke.
beat_of_rice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "Im hungry/tired/sleepy etc" I say "How ya doin hungry/tired/sleepy etc! I'm Beatrice:)"
notsosecretsnowbunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs saltโs favorite sport?
Saline
Then I proudly announce I thought of that myself. Lol though Iโm sure Iโm not the first person whoโs thought of it.
FeaturedMemes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex wife still misses me
Nisas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A wizard was driving down the street when he turned into a grocery store.
worldasis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
Why did the fungi leave the party?
Because there wasn't mushroom.
jhpewufhssdjalortnbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Come on, there's only one answer to this, and it's "where does Napoleon keep his Armies? In his sleevies!" Checkmate, everyone else...
unexpected_v16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still remember my grandads last words before he died - โstop playing with that shotgun you little cuntโ
BarfingBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
paulthefonz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to think that (my part of world) is mother natureโs fuck you. Itโs always either +20o C or -20o C there is never an in between.
ThatOGDon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?
Staple a peice of bread to the ceiling. :)
TommyYaboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When ever someone comments on how different my ID pic is to me now (cut off 10 inches + of hair) I say โyeah I figured I could lose a few lbsโ. Usually gets a soft chuckle at the least.
onewordnospaces ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Driving by a cemetery...
How many dead people do you think are out there?
All of them.
Thumbgloss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, because they were both stuck up cunts
savageboredom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A drunk stumbles into a library and tried to order a drink. He slams his hand down on the counter and shouts, "Hey lady, gimme a gin and tonic!"
The librarian responds, "Sir! This is a library!"
The drunk says, "Oh, sorry... Gimme a gin and tonic."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club...
rebbzorz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard of Randolph the brown-nosed reindeer? He flew right behind Rudolph, but couldn't stop as fast.
lauren01340 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Updog
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
lauren01340 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing much, what's up with you?
eagle2401 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The important part here is the delivery. It's got to be told like a story, so whoever youre telling doesn't know the joke is coming.
So I saw my buddy I was out drinking with last night, and he told me he needs to cut back on his drinking. I asked him why, and he said "man, I threw up chunks last night." I said "hey man, don't worry about it it happens to all of us sometimes." he said "no man you don't understand.."
"Chunks was my dog".
unexpected_v16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A magician is driving down the road then turns into a driveway
mixx1john ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker stops fucking you once your dead
JeBron_Lames23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys pissing off of a bridge. First guy says โwater sure is coldโ, second guy says โand itโs deep too.โ
DJPelio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All the jokes with the dual meaning of words are so weak. Ha ha ha English words have multiple meanings. So funny.
Artist151 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks โ why the long face?โ
A_very_meriman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to say thank you for all of the jokes. Ladies love jokes.
itsjustkeyrock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And then the doctor said โRectum? Damn near killed him...โ
No setup.
britter12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
puff_ball ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats a French taxi drivers favorite element?
Carbon!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a mallard with a cold and you? Oneโs a sick duck and I canโt remember the rest but your motherโs a whore!
fourstardaydream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cheese factory that burned down last week?
All that was left was the brie
CardboardSoyuz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Roman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus" The bartender says, "You mean a martini?" "If I wanted a double I'd have asked for one."
grilledcakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Chair.
Thewaterturtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about those corduroy pillows? They're making all the headlines.
SoFloDAntonio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because every time she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
scienceisfunlol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So three moles go to IHOP. The first mole pops out of the ground, sniffs around, and goes, sniff sniff โmmm I smell pancakes!โ The second moles pops out of the ground, sniffs around, and goes, sniff sniff โmmm I smell bacon!โ The third mole pops out of the ground, sniffs around, and goes, sniff sniff โall I smell is mole-asses!โ
I cry laughing every time. Nobody else does.
_chkm8_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a rhinoceros?
"El if I know!"
storygirl719 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way!
Iโm around a bunch of kids most of the time.....
FocalFury ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Chicago zoo
UnluckyLucas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My existence.
RevSatchmo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto
Wilave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two goldfish in a tank and one says to the other, โHow do you drive this thing?โ
AgentJGomez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know if you work at a farm and your job is to take care of chickens , you're a chicken tender
lowballz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a bear and a rabbit we're taking a shit in the woods...
The bear asks the rabbit, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit thinks for a moment then responds, "No, never had that problem."
So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with him.
aubergineshinobi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey did you hear Sting was kidnapped?
Yea The Police still don't have a lead.
riyor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to at work is when someone comes up and says excuse me I have a question, to which I immediately reply with just Abraham Lincoln. It's never the answer, but I hope one day it will.
ogdonut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My 2 favorite are from Two and a Half Men
Two muffins are in the oven. The one looks to the other and says "Boy it's hot in here", the other yells "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"
What's green, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A Pool Table
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know your at a gay picnic?
All the hotdogs smell like shit .
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
notaschlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot
cozimpreetiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks me "what the fuck are you doing?!?!" I always reply with "my best" :')
GummieLindsays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โBalls, ballsโ said the Queen, โif I had two, Iโd be Kingโ.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies
hanimal16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar and get really drunk. The giraffe passes out and the guy gets up to leave. The bartender says, โyou canโt leave that lyinโ there.โ The guy says, โthatโs not a lion, thatโs a giraffe.โ
lil_mattie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are installing shingles on a roof, and one keeps tossing nails over his shoulder on to the ground below.
His partner asks โWhat are you doing, those are perfectly good nails!โ
The first guy replies โnuh uh, they were facing the wrong way!โ
Shaking his head in disbelief, the second roofer says โYouโre so dumb I canโt believe it sometimes. Youโre supposed to save those for the other side of the roof!โ
noneofyourbiness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"How was the camping trip?" "It was intense. Get it? In tents?"
Or some variation thereof. I'm here all night.
nova20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat?
heyyyy!
...but then you come back later and ask (seemingly the same joke):
What do gay horses eat?
Let me guess: heyyy!
No, idiot. Horse dick.
2a3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did my grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?
I wonder how far I can kick this bucket.
BrunoDoggo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green fuzzy and if it fell from a tree it could kill you?
A pool table.
humbug2985 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a wife, a mistress, a prostitute.
A prostitute goes: โfaster fasterโ, A mistress goes: โslower slowerโ, A wife goes: โ Beige, I think Iโll paint the ceiling Beigeโ
BUTthehoeslovemetho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If someone calls me ugly I just say
But the hoes love me tho
bacteen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between the Harlem Globetrotters and the Radio City Rockettes? The Globetrotters have a cunning array of stunts.
OnyxClockwork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "How did you do that?"
bassPolitics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why doesn't smokey the bear have sex with his wife?
because whenever she gets hot, he hits her with a shovel
motodude1215 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the King keep his armies?
....in his sleevies!
BMACS001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it that in humans itโs called an abortion, while in chickens itโs called an omelette?
Thanks to George Carlin for that one.
thatonegamer999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
MrQrtz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like corn mazes because a corn maze is like a hedge maze but with snacks.
Well I thought it was funny no need to be rude
TheMythchick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever there is a conversation about a measurement... How could you expect me to know the the answer when all my life I've been told by men that this (holds my index finger and thumb apart 3") equals 9 inches.
ame-foto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has nine arms and a photograph?
Def Leppard.
Crideon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was this chick that was born without arsehole. One day it tried to fart and exploded.
IrishPrankster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
joevilla1369 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
NLP19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
...Grass, I was just kidding about the wheels
kbtkbt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poop
ArgumentativeLotus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth??
A gummie bear!
hadda-ask ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have some friends over to drink some wine. Get some babybel cheese. Once everyone is a bottle or so deep, you come out and start tossing cheese to everyone while you sing...
Your own. Personal. Cheeses.
morganharris37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhatโs Garfieldโs most prominent feature?โ Stay completely silent as they undoubtedly guess โlikes lasagnaโ and โhates Mondaysโ and even for a little while after. Continue until they become confused and just look them dead in the eyes and say โThe long paws.โ
As well as โEveryone knows Daveโ. Thanks Reddit! Another Redditor also made a second โEveryone knows Daveโ joke that I like to tell as well. Itโs almost like a part two to โEveryone knows Daveโ. Thanks again Reddit!
All three of these joke always either land wonderfully or get me annoyed/entertained groans, which is usually what Iโm going for.
paulthefonz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Throw a lamp at someone and tell them to lighten the fuck up.
Pete990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I could tell you this really great joke about peanut butter, but I don't want you go spreading it around.
Falcond0rf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I made this up in response to a past ex. โYou know, mama always told me there are two people in life you should never deal with. The devil, and thots, and after enough time Iโm beginning to think theyโre the same thing.โ
I donโt think itโs that funny but it consistently gets lots of laughs when I say it.
KamahlFoK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I only use this one if I trust the person and am outside of working hours:
"Why do all the women love Jesus?"
Extend your arms out to either side, to appear as if strung up for crucifixion
"Because he was hung like this."
ContinueTesting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I turned into a transformer last night, and boy are my arms tires!
dleavs52 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
bubstheaxi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
PeepsBlowUp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
HolyCannonKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do dyslexic zombies eat?
Brianโs!
russybooboo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the squirrel swim on its back? - So it wouldn't get it's nuts wet
usedandanused ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two gay guys are standing at a corner and they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, โI wish I could do thatโ and the other guy says, โwell, if you pet him, maybe heโll let you.โ
Darth_Gasseous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two monkeys in a bath,
One says: โoo oo ah ah!โ
And the other says: โwell, put some cold in!โ
diggexpat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He didn't peel well."
and if they're nerdy, I go with
"Did you hear about the computer programmer who survived the electric chair? He was poorly executed."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Flattered then Flayed then Flavored. A serial killing in 5 words.
rodichs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? โAye mateyโ
666kracken666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with epilepsy?
Beef jerky.
JustAnotherTurd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
mrobinson19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you say to a cow that has no feet? โyou lactoseโ
jdapp13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what is better than watching a girl wrestle?
Seeing her box!
Jdelnano ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone around is wearing ripped jeans
"Oh, are those your church pants? They sure are holy."
funmire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Betty Crocker get pregnant? Because the Pillsbury doughboy forgot the weiner wrap.
StarsRTheBest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the first thing they give tickle me Elmo when he comes off of the production line?
Test-tickles.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a baby Seal walks into a Club...
HornyHypnoToad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes ha-ha-ha bonk?
A man laughing his head off.
halfar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
from /r/Showerthoughts
"Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds awesome if you don't know what either of those things are."
StarsRTheBest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
Sparky.
zdominator86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works best spaced over time.
What do you call a cow with 4 legs. Cow.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs. Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 1 leg. Steak.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs. Yo momma.
YaBoiThickDick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
Spock_Rocket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
Jerazz_Man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
DConstruction ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, โWhatโs that steering wheel doing in your pants?โ And the pirate saysโ Arrrr itโs drivinโ me nuts!โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cowboy say on his second rodeo?
this ainโt my first rodeo
yellow-kudzu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Thorโs brother steal his hammer? He was low key about it.
ScottishMonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you smash a baby's head with a rock?
A boner
trench_welfare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's harder than nailing a baby to a tree? My dick while I'm doing it.
StarsRTheBest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two roaches were sitting on a toilet seat ...
One got pissed off.
momo88852 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 smart ass. Guys walked into a bar, one said "I would like H2O please" and 2nd said "I'm gonna get H2O too please"
The 2nd died.
artmobboss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't smokey the bear have sex with his wife?? Cause when ever she gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
thefoamingpickle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
Because b-shells are too small.
Writingnewb76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
serious tone
Did you guys hear about the that teen boy who got into his dads Viagra and overdosed?
pause for sympathetic remarks and much head shaking then continue
Yeah, he's going to be aright. He just has second and third degree burns on both hands...
rhiever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You canโt make an enzyme.
CHRGuitar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donโt stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling!!
Charboo2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I only use it when someone says something I donโt like, and itโs ding dong your answer is wrong. But hippity hoppity get of my property is good too.
X-lem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in this world.
People who like closure.
Styphasaurus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A son asks his father, โWhat is the difference between confident and confidential?โ
โWell son, you are my son, of that I am confident. So is the boy next door, that is confidential.โ
Playboy party jokes make that magazine worthwhile.
onohugo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q:whatโs the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with big tits?
A:ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty Crustacean
kastronaut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my girlfriendโs favorite:
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.
Psuper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy goes to the doctor to get a checkup.
Doctor says "You're going to have to stop masturbating."
Guy says "What? Why?!?"
Doctor says "Cause I'm giving you a checkup."
tintiddle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One turns to the other and says, "Hey, you find it hot in here?"
And the other one says, "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
CapreseBoi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Basically self deprecating jokes about my being gay. Works every time.
TevarTheBevar68 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my women how I like my wine. 12 years old and locked in my basment.
superman91011 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are koalas not considered bears? Because they don't meet the koala-fications
bathtub_farts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fish runs into a wall, shocked he screams "dam!"
What's the best part of Missouri? The middle, because no matter what direction you head you are leaving.
A family of moles wakes up in the morning. Father sticks his head out of the hole "I smell fresh blueberries", momma mole goes next "I smell fresh rhubarb", the kid mole goes last. "I smell fresh molasses"
skrazy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are the two sexiest animals in the barn? Brown-Chicken-Brown-Cow
scsehr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexicans in quick-sand?
Quatro Cinco
Lasshandra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This at my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Estrellaburst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the taxi driver say to the wolf? Where wolf
RespectableTorpedo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon time in a land far, far away lived three Cheerio worlds: Perfect Cheerio World, Mediocre Cheerio World, and Non-perfect Cheerio World. Anybody who was anybody wanted to reside in Perfect Cheerio World, but unfortunately only the lucky few got the honor of living in Perfect Cheerio World. In Non-perfect Cheerio World there was a Cheerio named Joe. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was a regular person just like you and me. Day in and day out though he wished for a better world to live in. He believed he deserved the chance to experience Perfect Cheerio World because he worked his Cheerio butt off 24/7.
One night when Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was on his way home from work, a Cheerio Genie visited him. The Cheerio Genie had noticed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe's constant dedication to his job, friends, and family and thought that he deserved a little loving himself. The Cheerio Genie allowed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe to have one wish. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe wished that he could go to Perfect Cheerio World for a day. The Cheerio Genie, being the good cheerio that he is, granted Non-perfect Cheerio Joe his wish.
Come Saturday morning after a long week at the office, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe awoke in a place unfamiliar to him. He knew immediately that he was in Perfect Cheerio World. A Perfect Cheerio soon approached him. Oh how Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was envious of this cheerio. He wasnโt cracked or broken and looked like he had taken a nice dip in Skim Milk. A world with Skim Milk? Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was jealous, thatโs for sure. The Perfect Cheerio introduced himself and coincidentally his name was Joe as well. What are the odds?
Perfect Cheerio Joe started to tell Non-perfect Cheerio Joe about all the fun and exciting things that Perfect Cheerio World has to offer. Perfect Cheerio Joe offered to be Non-perfect Cheerio Joeโs tour guide for the day. โFirst things first,โ Perfect Cheerio Joe said, โWe must go get some breakfast!โ
Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Joe walked into a little cafรฉ and went to the front of the line. The cashier politely told them that they had to wait at the back of the line. โWhereโs that?โ Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then youโll reach the end of the line," said the cashier.
Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe obliged and waited on the long line to get their breakfast. Next, Perfect Cheerio Joe said that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe had to go to the National Cheerio Museum. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved museums so he happily agreed. When they arrived at the National Cheerio Museum, they first had to purchase tickets to see some exhibits. They walked up to the ticket booth where they were told to head to back of the line. โWhereโs that?โ Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then youโll reach the end of the line."
Although the line was long, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was ecstatic because he got to see the first Cheerio ever created. Perfect Cheerio Joe then recommended they go see a movie because Non-perfect Cheerio World doesnโt have any movie theaters. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe picked the movie, Unrequited Love for a Honey Nut Cheerio. Even Cheerios love romantic comedies. The movie theater was gorgeous and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was so happy until they had to buy tickets for the movie and they had to go to the back of the line. โWhereโs that?โ Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then youโll reach the end of the line."
Once they were in the movie theater, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew that he couldnโt have the full movie experience without popcorn. He quickly left the theater during the previews and went to buy some popcorn. He was told to head to the back of the line. These long lines were really starting to bother Non-perfect Cheerio Joe, but he knew he was only here for a day so he had to experience it all. โWhereโs the back of the line?โ Nonperfect Cheerio Joe asked.
"It wraps around the theater, so head south on Strawberry Street. Then make two rights. Next walk two blocks down and make a left onto Grain Road, then youโll be at the end of the line."
Non-perfect Cheerio Joe hoped the popcorn would be worth it. Just as he sat down in his seat with his popcorn the movie was beginning. I know what luck! Damn previews. After the movie was finished, Perfect Cheerio Joe recommended going to a party so that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe could meet a bunch of Perfect Cheerios. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved all Cheerios so he was pumped! When they arrived outside of the party they had to wait in line to enter. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was getting a wee bit frustrated when he asked where the end of the line was.
"Walk 1.37 miles. Then when you get to the fork in the road take a right. Then you need to make one right, one left, one right, and one left. After that youโll be at the end of the line."
Although Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was exhausted by the time they got into the party he was still ready to dance the night away. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe and Perfect Cheerio Joe headed straight to the dance floor and boogied all night. Two hours in, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe got thirsty. Perfect Cheerio Joe mentioned that the punch at this place was the bomb dot com. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe decided that without punch he would probably pass out. After waiting all day on so many lines Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew what to expect. He walked up to the Cheerio serving the punch and said, โWhereโs the punch line?โ
The server looked at him confused, โThere is no punch line.โ
Warfyste ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhh...
boydboyd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
bentd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
he was too far out, man.
RopeADerp02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i play water polo and when people find that out about me they almost always mention how hard the sport seems which gives me the opening to say, "The hardest part is to get the horses in the water.."
BurritoInABowl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my social life
ReadyFireAimbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....so then Adam said "What do I get for a rib?"
laguardia528 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is George Washington buried at mount Vernon?
Because heโs dead.
ngs1989 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? The parrots-eat-em-all.
ProdesseQuamConspici ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a gay dude and a refrigerator.
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
cloudy_bird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with three eyes? A fiiish.
echo9999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with two hands? To jack it with one and moan with the other
RadRhino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two fish in a tank.
One fish says to the other fish, "How the heck do you drive this thing?"
el_leahcar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two women sit quietly together
Eldvar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the hardest part about running through a field of dead babies?
My erection
jakob1005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually just do a money coming into the village joke from sleepycabin. It get them every time.
g2ddblg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the rancher who had 196 cattle out to pasture?
When he rounded then up, he had 200.
shampoomice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do we want?? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want em?? NNNEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW
toodletwo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, โSorry, we donโt serve noble gasses.โ Helium doesnโt react.
kehoejoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Europe.
adriansarpe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
about fat people :)))
plumbusinsuranceltd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A travelling salesman knocks on the door of a house on his route. An 8 year old boy answers wearing a dress, high heels, drinking a scotch and smoking a cigar... The salesman asks "Hello little boy, are your parents home?" The boy looks around, puffs the cigar and says "The fuck do you think?!"
aberneth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Showing people the "important videos" playlist.
CheeseburgerFreddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you spell pussy backwards??
Yssup (slurping sound effect)
Misfit_Cannibal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you have any kids?"
"None that I know of"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Server: Hey isom10462, can you hand me the whisk please?
Me: Sure. Your whisk is my command!!
Used to make that joke at least once per shift.
delsymguy420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts for it
The_mango55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman was driving down the road with her 5 year old daughter and they were behind a truck.
The truck hits a bump and a huge floppy dildo flies out of the back and smacks onto the windshield for a moment before blowing off.
The little girl said "MOMMY WHAT WAS THAT?!"
The woman said "Uhhh... that was just a bug sweetie..."
The girl is quiet for a moment, then says "Well it sure had a huge dick"
Applejaxc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Inter-
Moo!
samuraistrikemike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor walks in to an exam room with a patient waiting for a physical. He looks at the chart, at the patient and back at the chart. Looks up and says to the patient " You have to stop masterbating" Patient looks at the doc all surprised and says "Why?!?" The Doc looks him dead in the eye and says "So I can examine you"
WeebTheAnimeGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the single worst name you can give to a tiger?
Spot.
Instantflip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
LucasPookas123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many introverts does it take to fix a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity...
il_KD_li ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Want to hear a joke about ghosts?
โSureโ or they say โNoโ
-Thatโs the spirit
Anything they respond works.
joemotox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I offer the classic gesture for a thumb war of what looks like a handshake but with the fingers curled and thumb straight. Then, once they think Iโm offering a wrestle of thumbs, I begin the sacred chant of โ1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb warโ only I do not say war. After they join in the chant (as is tradition) I loudly interrupt before the last word and instead declare thumb BOXING. I then rapidly poke their thumb with mine repeatedly as if it were a boxing match. Between thumbs. It usually at least illicits a smile.
DowntonAbbey_Normal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other a says "Hey, you know how to drive this thing?"
Sparky0906 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A Megasoreass
Snottco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, it's heading straight for the world trade center!
Sheprime004 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Na-cho cheese!
forestpunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
SconeNotScone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Camping is intense
morgrath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a great knock knock joke, but someone else has to start it.
Somna_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My ex wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin better!
The delivery is key. It's so bad that it's good.
The-Mr-J ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a can opener that doesnโt work?
A canโt opener
(Thank you r/3amjokes)
OppaiOppaiOppai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"AH HA! I'm the bus driver!"
Quasigriz_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Planes
โHow much does a Zamboni weigh?
Enough to break the ice....
binomial_expander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The Wheelchair.
AzraelXJM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever hear about the dyslexic pimp? Bought a warehouse.
K4RAB_THA_ARAB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a DJs favorite sauce?
Mari-nara.
LawLjak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSH
mashed-brotatoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love pulling out the classic โif your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle Jack off an elephant?โ From the Love Guru
RingmasterNero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? The wall was their last greatest hit.
Trojack31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever smelled moth balls?
[wait for someone to say โyes.โ]
Howโd you spread its tiny little legs?
robmx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.
E72M ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde walked into a bar... Then a table, then a chair.
Gets me every time I tell it.
AeolisPalus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a fruit into a vegetable...AIDS
flamingdaisies444 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Canadians are eating at a fine Italian restaurant in Toronto in the summer. They both sit down and order a glass of red wine and a plate of farfalle pasta with a cream sauce. When they receive their pasta, the one Canadian comments on the fact that his friend is wearing a sweater in the summer. He says, " Hey, it's summer, man. Sweaters are farfalle?"
chubbyninja1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i have 2.
whenever someone mentions they are vegetarian/vegan, i say, oh man i could never do that. i just hate animals too much.
the other is whenever i see a guitar i get a little confused and say, whoa, that is one huge ukulele
jetting_jetting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has 3 balls and comes from outer space?
ET the extra testicle
PsychoStryder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuts were walking down the street.
One of them was a-salted.
zemerkenator5000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! (Followed by) What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't matter it's not gonna come!
HamletsScottishKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know why fire trucks are red!
Fire trucks are red because they have four wheels and eight men.
Four and eight makes twelve.
Twelve inches in a ruler.
A ruler was Queen Mary.
Queen Mary was also a ship.
A ship sails on the sea.
Sea has fish.
Fish have fins.
Finns are always fighting the Russians.
Russians are red.
Fire trucks are always rushinโ.
So fire trucks are red.
marleythomas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a dick in my ass
usualsuspektt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear Hilton Hotels just bought the Leaning Tower of Pisa? Theyโre going to turn it into a 5 star hotel and call it The Tiltโn Hilton.
derfuror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats an introvert's favorite social event?
Funerals. Its the only event where you can be the center of attention and not have to talk to anybody.
Vixenstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but plastic wrap, psychiatrist says "I can cleary see your(e) nuts". It always takes people a minute to get it but it always gets a laugh.
Zeyn1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks you how you are.
"Tired. I didn't sleep very well. I kept having weird dreams about mufflers."
"Mufflers??"
"Yup. And I woke up exhausted."
supertone4671 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes about sadist necro-zoophiliacs used to be all the rage, but it wasn't long before we realized we were just beating a dead horse.
johnny_moist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven when suddenly the first starts screaming, โHOLY SHIT WEโRE BURNING ALIVE!!โ To which the other replies โHOLY SHIT WE CAN TALK?!โ
shaneswa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop I eat mop who? Ewww! You eat your poo?
It kills at my kids elementary.
KenPC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
MEstudios1983 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok my favorite joke doesnโt write well at all because the punchline involves singing a melody, but Iโll write it out anyway:
How do you know when a gay shark is in the water?
Duh duh.....
Duh duh.... (jaws theme transitions to horns melody from canโt take my eyes off of you by Frankie valley)
DA DA, DA DA, DA DA DAT DAAA DA...
Trust me itโs hilarious. Totally fails on paper though.
alphatikka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
GheeButtetsnapps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a chameleon who can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction
CAD8033 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once swallowed two pieces of string and they came out tied together. I shit you knot.
declanrowan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's a remote monastery where all the monks can only chant. Every morning the head abbot comes into the dining room and chants "Good Morning, Brothers."
And they all reply "Good Morning."
This happens every morning, day in, day out. One day, a young monk wants to rebel a bit, but, being a monk, all he could come up with was, instead of chanting "Good Morning," he was going to chant "Good Evening." Again, not really great at rebellion.
So the day comes, and the head abbot chants out "Good Morning, Brothers."
And they all reply "Good Morning." Except for the one, who chants "Good Evening."
Now the abbot is furious. He walked up and down the aisle, looks each brother in the face, and chants "Someone Chanted Evening"
Works best when you sing the chant/punchline.
mikeotron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cowboy get a daschund?
His boss told him to "get a long little doggie"
escaburrito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
Gambit3le ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time should you visit the Dentist? 2:30
TalkiestNewt6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hellen kellar walks into a bar, then a chair, then the wall.
CarelessRook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do shitty memes count as jokes
RyukMulder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what they called me in high school" works with almost Anything that is remotely sexual sounding.
bestfast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa taught me this one while driving past a cemetery and itโs my go to line in any car ride.
โYou know why they put fences up at the cemetery?
Because people are just dying to get in there!โ
Everyone gets a kick out of it.
thefoxpatronus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a zombie prostitute?
A street walker.
My all time favorite Walking Dead joke ๐
scrutinizingsimian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a boogie in it (said while I dance a little)
phatskat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do eggs Benedict stay on vacation?
The Hollandaise Inn
timothypjr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does your face hurt? Because itโs killing me!
rustiii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a town of fat people?
Obesity
mitchapalooza27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be called baygulls (bagels)!
FizikzMager ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm against picketing but I donโt know how to show it...
y2kizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
Papa-Brisket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there was this guy who wanted to ring the bells in the tower for the local church, but he didnโt have any arms. He was telling someone his dream about ringing the bells when the guy mentioned โhey, how can you ring the bells without any arms?โ. โLike this.โ, responded the armless man. He climbs the steps of the bell tower and starts crushing his face on all of the bells, eventually killing himself. He falls out of the bell tower and lands on the ground underneath, stunning everyone near by. People gather around him asking โwho is this guy, Iโve never seen him before?โ The first guy who called him out felt guilty but didnโt want to be berated, so casually answers the questions with โI donโt know, but his face rings a bellโ.
Spikerr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo ?
One is heavy the other is a little lighter
bowlerboy5473 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was a car muffler. It was really bizarre. I woke up exhausted.
chedbomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was six afraid of seven?
Everyone knows this one... But then you hit them with the unexpected punchline.
Because seven is a registered six offender.
Jaymezians ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this guy walks into a bar. Sitting in the corner, playing the piano is a man only one foot tall. He can't reach the pedals, but his music sounds so beautiful the guy has to stop and listen for a moment. After a minute or two, he goes and orders another drink, next to an average sized man. He approaches the average sized man and asks, "Hey man, where'd you find this guy?"
Very drunk, the man replies, "Oh, there's this dude outside, he's grantin' wishes and-" He doesn't get any farther as the guy exclaims, "Wishes?!" And runs outside. When he comes back, there are ducks, absolutely, everywhere. Nearly blotting out the sun. Approaching the bar again he says, "That guy can't hear for shit! I wished for a million bucks, he gave me a million ducks!"
Downing his shot, he replies, "I coulda told ya that. Really think I'd wish for a 12 inch pianist?"
This joke works better when I can talk with my hands.
modernangel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.
TheIrrelevantGinger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a gorilla cross?
Nail two gorillas together
johnny_moist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a little boy walk into a dark woods together when the boy turns to him and says, โIโm scaredโ The man looks down at him and says, โYouโre scared? I gotta walk outta here alone.โ
givin22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye deer.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no eye deer.
mooseknuckle6529 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between jam and jelly? I canโt jelly my dick in your ass.
Note: This joke is not well-received at family reunions
ShupWhup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, do you know what that white stuff is in bird poo?
It's bird poo.
(You have to deliver the lines appropreatly to make it work.)
User_Name_ASDF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Girl: "Come over."
Guy: "I'm coming over."
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the similarity between Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd?
Their last greatest hit was the wall.
darklux- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn.
EltonBong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A New Zealander goes to get an STD test. The doctor asks how many sexual partners heโs had in the last year. The kiwi starts counting and promptly falls asleep.
Also works with Scottish or Welshman.
Vettit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's it called when a chameleon can't change his colors any more?
A reptile dysfunction
Uselesswidower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One random /askreddit thread has provided more laughter in 10 mins than a year's subscription to r/jokes...
teskja37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about Obama?
Apparently, heโs black
cold_bananas_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: knock knock Them: whoโs there? Me: nobody Them: nobody who? Me: Them: Me: walks away
Alliat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock... -Whoโs there? To. -To who? To WHOM!!
JordV17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From the old piece of charcoal, what happened to the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan?
He got cancer
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I suck at rhyming
Penis
Playamonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Something goes wrong in public) โI blame medical marijuana โ.
savant_garde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do Saudi princes time travel?
Every time they see a woman's ankles, they go from six to midnight.
Spita13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the pirate term for a ship's patriarch of artillery?
The cannon fodder!
TERMONATORKILLER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do cannibals eat for lunch?
their friends.
MindS1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"It's all coming back to me now..."
said the blind man as he peed into the fan.
ebikani ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What type of room has no doors?
A mushroom !
TheLucidHippie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you become as rich and powerful as The Zuck?
You suck, fuck, and have to be a robot of course.
englishmight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus? Withdrawal of funding and a hearing with the ethics committee
AModularBadger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a helicopter with a rhino? Heliphino.
mangoz420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? Boy scouts come home from camp.
melcrose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A groom-broom and a bride-broom were hanging out in the closet.
"I'm about to have a little wisk-boom!" said the bride-broom.
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom-broom; "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
thepilatesnewbie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, โHey you, why the long face?โ
Always makes me laugh anyway!
Shugyosha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The horse replies "Ive just found out I have cancer"
cornd00g ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke always gets laughs:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
speeler21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, I needed something that would cheer up my kindergarten class
porkchop2022 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you top a Car? You tep on the brake, tupid.
PenitentSoul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do? Get Jalapeno business.
scottyr16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but i turned my life around.
capnwits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there were these three explorers, right?
Eravionus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once went to the zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shizu.
TheeCamilo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One windmill asks another, "What's your favorite genre of music?"
The windmill responds, "I'm a big metal fan."
RealParisian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean!
SammyMeathooks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street. Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry. Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
DarkHadou455 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
dramatic pauses important
What do you call it... when you mix a dinosaur... and a pig?!
JURASSIC PORK ๐
daemon01001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
Its not even that funny, but it gets people everytime!
MrsFlip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black cop?
pause while they think about it then ask what
"Officer", you racist fuck.
ArkansasGentleman1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do Eskimos catch Polar Bears? They saw a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around the hole. When the Polar Bear comes to take a pea, they kick him in the icehole.
MikeOxmaul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second :
"How do i get to the other side of the river"
The second man shouts back :
"You are on the other side of the river."
Kelloggs_Brimblebop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade into a crowd and killed 50 people, then the grenade exploded.
kittyspacecadet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the octopus when he went dancing? He pulled a mussel.
nefarious1985 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell mop
Smell mop who?
LOL
RandomWeatherMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worst then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
skidr0jr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is light beer similar to having sex in a canoe?
Both are fucking close to water.
modernangel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that was popularized by Monty Python "Live at the Hollywood Bowl" (1982), but the set-up involves American beer, not light beer
wonderbread601 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: have you ever smelled mothballs before? Them: yes Me: howโd you get their little legs apart?
It works especially well if somehow mothballs were brought up beforehand
Or... Me: do you like duck meat? Them: yea Me: then duck down and get some meat!
Gets em every time.
Cyram11590 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is garbage so sad?
'Cause it's down in the dumps.
FatGirlsCantJump206 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.
Iโll show myself out.
iloveLoveLOVECats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Today a little girl with high functioning autism told me this joke. โWhy did the banana go to the banana hospital?โ...โBecause he was BANANA sick!โ Then she told me to write it down so I remember it to tell the chicken later. Maybe this can become my go to joke???
TDiddlez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The jokes always in the comments.
Jocko_Dundee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?
I dunno, let's go ask your mom
TheJellyBean77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coup only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Towel_of_Babel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, then what is H2O4?
Drinking.
MikeOxmaul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
horrendousacts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bunch of white people sitting around a table?
A board meeting.
ab2dii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a bald man slipped on his head. then slipped again.
cantthinkatall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby.
florida_woman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro cinco.
The_Allosaurus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An eskimo is in New Zealand and his car has broken down. A kiwi stops and says โ ay bro I think youโve blown a sealโ and the kiwi replies: โat least I donโt fuck sheep!!!โ
An Asian man goes into a bank and asks why the interest on his home loan has gone up. The blank teller explains that itโs because of fluctuations. The Asian man replies โyeah will fluck you too!!!!โ
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got the gas bill.
IAmTheDos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Comes from an Australia Sketch Comedy show from a while back, works a bit better live action, but here goes:
DonBeanass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the knight bring an extra Lance to the tournament?
Joust in case he needed it.
MikeOxmaul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
MrSoulSong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A duck walks it a bar and props himself up on a barstool. The barman sees the duck and quickly comes over. "Wow a duck in my bar, amazing! What can I get you buddy." Says the barman.
"Got any bread?" quacks the duck.
"Sorry buddy, but we only serve alcohol here... So what would you like?" said the barman
"Got any bread?" Once again quacks the duck.
"Haha look, as I told you before, we only serve alcohol here mate, so if you could order a drink and stop wasting my time, that would be great. So what would you like?" said the barman.
"Got any bread?" Quacks the duck for the third time.
"Right! I've bloody had it with you mate! If you ask for bread one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!" said the irate barman
"Got any nails?" Quacked the duck
"No I don't have any bloody nails mate!!"
"Got any bread?"
papajawn42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Abortion jokes aren't for everyone. Kinda like kids.
Apenguin73 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm missing a tooth so this for all my toothless homies.
People think I'm a crack head cause I'm missing a tooth. I wish I was a crack head cause then I'd be skinny.
There's no such thing as a fat crack head cause it's hard to be addicted to crack and food.
Elrox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymball fell down a cliff
Ba dum Tsss
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I hear people speaking Spanish I say "El gatto es en la bibliotequa"...Never fails to get a laugh. /spelling of Spanish words is bad
SoonerBeerSnob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TL;DR this is a fairly truncated version of the "joke" I tell. However, these days all I have to say is "So there are these two horses..." and my friends roll their eyes or just straight up tell me "No!"
So there are these two horses, Hobbin and Nobbin. Now, Hobbin's a long-time racing champ, never been beaten, while Nobbin's the fresh-from-the-paddock upstart, eager to prove himself. So Nobbin challenges Hobbin to a race, he's been eating his horsey-oats, doing his horsey-situps, he's convinced he's ready. "I'm faster than you, Hobbin," he says, "No, you're not," says Hobbin. "Well, there's only one way to find out?" says Nobbin. "So there is," says Hobbin. So they go out to the track and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! Well, Nobbin's furious. "I'll get you next time, Hobbin!" he says, and he goes back to his stable, does his horsey-training, eats his horsey-oats, does his horsey-situps, and a year later he's ready to challenge Hobbin again. They go out to the racetrack and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! Nobbin's really mad this time, he's sure he had Hobbin, but he won't stay beaten. "I'll get you next time, Hobbin!" he says, and he goes back to his stable. He does his horsey-training, eats his horsey-oats, does his horsey-situps, and a year later he's ready to challenge Hobbin again. They go out to the racetrack and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! [Feel free to do as many cycles of this as your audience can stand]. Nobbin's beside himself, he's stamping his hooves and prancing about, he's so mad his eyes are rolling and he's snorting and neighing, and the starter dog gets down off his podium and comes over to the two horses and says, "Look, guys, isn't there some other way to settle this?" Hobbin and Nobbin look at each other and Hobbin goesย "Holy crap, a talking dog!
alexgevz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A new wide mouth frog mother doesnโt know what to feed her babies. She hops around the swamp looking for anyone that could help her until she found a little fish. She said (asking with a wide mouth): โHello Mr fish, what do you feed your babies?โ The fish said โWell, Mrs. wide-mouthed frog, I feed my babies algae.โ โOh that wonโt do,โ said the wide-mouth frog.
She hopped along until she came to a mama squirrel and asked, with her mouth wide and lips flapping: โHello Mr squirrel, what do you feed your babies?โ The squirrel said โwell, Mrs. Wide-mouth frog, I feed my babies acorns.โ โOh no that wonโt do,โ said the wide mouth frog.
She hopped a little further until she spotted a mama alligator. She asked (mouth opened wide and lips flapping): โHello Mr. alligator, what do you feed your babies?โ The alligator said โwell, I feed my babies wide-mouthed frogs,โ (her lips slam shut and she talks through pursed lips), โwell you donโt see many of those around her do ya?โ
Cakin69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
Legendtamer47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a bit peculiar and becomes aware that he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. The wife just ignores him. The man rolls over and starts to cry because he realized his marriage is in shambles.
Phonenumber10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy posted on his social media that he finally lost his virginity. His dad called and said that they should go and celebrate. The son replies: "I can't, I still can't sit"
Persona_Transplant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste!
DoctorBitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have three.
What did the cannibals say about the accountant?
That he's legal tender.
~
People make me sick.
I should cook them longer.
~
What's the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
TheRealLemonyPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar and said ow
Libertyler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
The-Author-of-Life ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men walk up to the Pearly Gates & are met by Saint Peter.
โNow then,โ the Saint says, โbefore I let you three in, you each must tell me how you all died.โ He turns to the first man & says, โTell me sir, how did you die?โ
โWell,โ the man starts, โI was having an argument with my wife. Then I took our fridge, threw it out the window, then I just collapsed. I think I had a heart attack.โ
โInteresting,โ muses Saint Peter as he turns to face the second man. โTell me sir, how did you die?โ
โWell, I was walking along, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a fridge flattened me like a pancake!โ The man exclaimed.
โHow peculiar.โ Saint Peter says & turns to the third man. โTell me sir, how did YOU die?โ
The man simply shrugs & says, โI WAS IN THE FRIDGE!โ
BattleFarter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick
Jozzybear32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a cow to a deaf person?
(Screaming) WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A COW?
potato1sgood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lion that is feeling dandy?
A dandelion.
stinkyreed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning?
It was the wurst.
SK0P1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ur mom gay lol
bubbie_depac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyโd the scarecrow get promoted?
therealgsu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He was outstanding in his field!
Chrissbox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the other side.
SEND_ME_FAKE_NEWS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
uhhhhlauren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind girl fall in the well?
She couldnโt see that well.
MrHorseHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a couple, for different audiences, but I'll share just 3.
This one's good for all audiences though it may be getting dated.
Most people don't see something that clever coming out of a knock knock set up, so it gets a reliable chuckle.
The next one pushes the boundaries of what I would consider work safe jokes, it's also getting a bit dated.
Finally if you're confident the audience can handle a something heavy, I have the Zebra Joke, which is a bit long winded. So I'll just link to the time I posted it on r/jokes.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/86mfe3/a_zebra_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/
nagerjaeger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Ask me if I'm a tree?
You: Are you a tree?
Me: No.
cobywankenobi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I had a nickel every time I heard that I'd have like 37 cents.
iRESinTX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor?! I donโt even know her!!!
watermelon-king ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Otch.
Otch who?
Bless you
mikal026 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys are talking, the first guy says "I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
lolwutok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/jokes
ThreeFingerBanjo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
Murphman82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two friends are out hunting, one friend accidentally shoots the other, in a panic he calls 911. "Hello 911? Please help, I accidentally shot my friend and I think he might be dead!!" The operator calmly responds "Sir, please stay calm, first thing I need you to to do is to make sure your friend is actually dead." BANG!! "Okay now what?!?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you recognize a terribly nice motorcyclist? By the flies between his teeth.
Talkeron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and says "Ow!"
Samout- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are the divers always drunk? There is a bar every ten metres.
bestadamire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a guy comes into a bar..
Oh wait, its actually a horse.
So a guy comes into a horse...
codemang87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No jokes as top level comments! /joke
Witherpixel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
He couldn't see that well
SerengetiYeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's this girl with a wooden eye who's very self conscious about it. After some effort her friends convince her to go to prom even though she doesn't have a date. She gets to the dance and notices a lonely boy with a hairlip sitting alone in the corner without a date. She walks up to the boy with a hairlip and asks if he would like to dance. Excited, the boy responds "would I? Would I!?" To which the girl responds "Hairlip! Hairlip!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Smell Mop Smell Mop Who?
Followed by intense laughter.
MaryJanesMan420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog has no nose.
Well how does it smell?
Awful!
DonzSolo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it?
One of
One of what?
One of those times you wish you wore a watch bitch
RikiWardOG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm down voting because you didn't even provide yours
HensonTX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Stevie Wonder say about his new cheese grater?
It's the most violent book he's ever read.
TitaniYum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between iron Man and iron woman
Tameg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tim and Mike die and get judged in heaven. God says whoever makes a good poem with the word Timbuktu goes through. Tim starts with " It's a Friday evening with nothing to do, why not fly down to Timbuktu". God, disappointed, looks to Mike; being more easygoing Mike thinks for a bit and, with eyes glistening, begins "Back in the days of old when nights were bold and women weren't too particular, we used to prop them against a wall and buk them perpendicular, nowadays the women are many and we are few, so I buked one and Timbuktu". Now that I think about it this joke can indeed fail in sensitive circumstances. Thought some would enjoy hearing nevertheless.
Caleb-Rentpayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sense of humor must be broken, because none of these are making me laugh. :-/
Jenghrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hookers are on a corner a blonde and a red head. The red head asks "hey you ever get picked up by the fuzz?" The blonde replies "no but I got swung around by the Tits once"
miraculum_one ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is in a pub and overhears the women next to him speaking with an accent. Curious, he asks "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?"
One of the women retorts indignantly, "Wales!"
The man tries again, "Excuse me, are you whales from Scotland?"
gracegirl77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
ItsjustJim621 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always say โkilled a bird with 2 stonesโ and it almost always goes over peopleโs heads
ifoundahomelessman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A homeless man once approached me on the street and asked me for some change. I said, "Yeah, sure. I'll give you some change." Then I caved his head in with a rubber chicken.
I gave him all the change he needed.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky.... a stick.
Dudelyllama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I learned this one from my Granddad.
You hear 2 people talking and say, "you know what I heard? Sheep."
Random_Hobo_Inc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
Weโre both lawyers.
Itโs more of an anti-joke
Borby13579 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day this guy named Dave went to his boss and said โI know everyoneโ tired of his bullshit his boss said, โalright, do you know Tom cruise?โ โYeah! Me and Tom are best budsโ so they fly out to la and knock on toms door, โhey Dave! Come on in for a drinkโ Tom says, the boss is a bit flustered but still doesnโt believe him so his boss asks โdo you know the queen?โ So they fly out to England and they meet the queen, โDave! How are you doing? Come on in for a restโ boss is still not convinced โDave, if you know the pope I will believe youโ so they fly out to the Vatican and see the pope is doing a speech by Dave says โoh! I know! Since I know the Guards the will just let me up there with the pope!โ So Dave goes up and when Dave comes down to meet his boss he discovers that his boss has had a heart attack. Dave says โwhat happened?โ โI heard the guy next to me say, Who the fuck is that guy up there with Dave?โ
fragmonk3y ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
To get childhood laughter: What is brown and sticky? a stick
To make people mad at first then watch them run through the joke: Why do women wear makeup and perfume? because the are ugly and they stink.
2livecrewnecktshirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.
One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors.ย
The first man says to the last man: โWhy in the world would you bring a car door?โ
The last man replies,ย โIf I get hot, I can just roll down the window!"
Yabloski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
MikePGS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have two, neither original, neither appropriate.
What do you call a black man that flies an airplane?
A pilot, you racist!
A pedophile and a young boy are walking into the woods in a dark and gloomy night. The boy says "I'm scared!" and the pedophile says "YOU'RE scared? I'm the one that has to walk back all alone!"
Uzair999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
ezp88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Velcro? What a rip off
RockerXt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in this word, those who can extrapolate from missing information.
cptskippy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are driving down the street when a Vampire lands on the hood of their car. One nun says to the other "Sister Mary Francis show him your cross!"
Sister Mary Francis leans out the window of the car and says "Hey vampire, get the fuck off my car!"
kyron54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
World71Racer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you combine an agnostic man with a dyslexic and an insomniac?
A man who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
-ShortReply- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy wakes up and he keeps getting smaller and smaller. He hurries and drives to the hospital to figure out what's going on. Now as big as a toy soldier, he arrives and climbs his way up the counter. He looks up and yells, "You must help me!" The nurse interrupted and said, "SIR! You must be a little patient."
MoistOldPeople ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Then a tip of the hat is neccessary in an educated community. Mhm yes
Gravelsack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?
Sparky
earthboundTM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke per se, but I always start presentations with this line:
โWow, when they asked me to cover (topic) I kind of felt like a mosquito in a nudist colony; I didnโt know where to start!โ
rebelroller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg? Dr. Dre
Tablekick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm back" "Hi back"
EZBreeze26 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a horny shape?
An erectangle
Lord_Rainbowman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humour is like food. Not everyone gets it
cutebuttons13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?
You take S out of safe and the F out of way.
...wait for it...
Mystikal6700 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wat
TheUconvict ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because he wasn't peeling well.
deadmanpj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo beans and a chickpea? -I have never had a garbanzo bean in my bed.
KaidanTONiO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey.
Guess what.
Chicken butt.
ice1000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a brothel and a circus? One is a cunning array of stunts
solaris79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?
Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.
LoftyGoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OK, can't resist....
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
ttbnz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you're looking for the best Dad joke, look no father.
murielscapt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Skinny guy moves to Alaska. Comes back a husky fucker .
MrBradGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How come you can't play poker in Africa? There's too many Cheetahs!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kinds of bees make milk?
Boobies
The_Ron_Swansonson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
nUKEtritionalgrass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnโt they play cards on Noahโs ark?
Noah was standing on the deck. Hey hey babum tsss
Rigaudon21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All these good jokes and I just use my face.
Jewsafrewski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian.
kusamaru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who was the first man with three ears?
Davy Crockett. He had a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
SanshaXII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Talisman80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat
Rafiks1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know pigeons die after sex? wait for no The one I had sex with did.
KanataCitizen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seat belt
900mhz_is_plenty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Either: What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat.
or
What's red and orange and looks good on hippies? Fire.
redavhtrad95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I was balls deep in this one guy...
He turns around and says "kiss me."
I'm like, no way! I'm not gay!
lvl1hydromancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do chicken coupes only have 2 doors? Cause if they had 4 they would be called chicken sedans hahahahahaha fuck me always dead with this one.
nothing347 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the ocean blue?
Because all of the fish go, "bloo, bloo, bloo"
whatlike_withacloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the kid that got the cops called on him for tweeting only the words true and false?
He was arrested for cyber boolean.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How long do you bake a potato?
Who cares
autumnatix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Palmajr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender asks: how the fuck did you do that?!
petekj06 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A talking termite walks in to a tavern and says: โIs the bar tender here?โ
JoaoPereira22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs!
pandas_love_pancakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a horse and a sheep that share the same farm field?
Neigh-bahs
NeverTooSaucy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Not a good one but it always makes me laugh ๐
perrysgotgame ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are Marioโs overalls made from?
Denim, denim, denim
Bear-With-Bit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because you wanted to come say hi to me!
(Laugh obnoxiously very closely to the other person's face for as long as it takes for them to either laugh with you or punch you.)
hippybongstocking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he ran Into the wall? Dam What did his friend say after? Dumb bass
Hail2theBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in some mud, and cross the road again?
He was a dirty double crosser!!
haha.... get it? (please end my suffering)
cwmitzel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
FellatiatedPiece ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the little person laugh when he runs?
the grass tickles his balls.
Shabadoo89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Helen Kellerโs dog leave her? .........
Well you would to if your name was โhveuskbdown b sbnsbhsvshโ
tumadreeshomosexual ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between dead babies and a motorcycle? I don't have a motorcycle in my garage
RedHeaded_TeaSoldier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts???
Replies: No / Yes
That's the spirit! ;D
benjamannis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never paid $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
DetectiveMagicMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
First you tell make an obscure reference or joke, when people donโt really get it it, you go โman tough crowd, canโt even get the crickets to laughโ
necro000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find a blind man in a nude beach?
It's not hard.
Stressssedout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a ghost joke?
That's the spirit.
AerialSnack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
DesignatedDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
bloodflart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar, and says ouch
pickled_philanges ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!
gratefulme25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one ass cheek say to the other ass cheek?
If we stick together, we can stop this shit!
andys6190 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pardon my Freud. Whoops! Freudian slip!
jsizzle007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes the bus station and says "Can I get one picket to tittsburgh?" The person behind the counter responds, "excuse me?" The man realizes his mistake and says, "I'm sorry, I meant can I get one ticket to Pittsburgh, I said the wrong thing." The person behind the counter replies, "No worries, it happens to me all the time. Like the other night I was sitting down to dinner with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the salt' but I actually said 'you stupid bitch you ruined my life.'"
stinkload ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
tell your mom thanks for breakfast
The_King_of_Canada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two fish in a tank one says to the other "How do we start this thing?"
willflameboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a toffee train?
A chew chew.
WistfulAether ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
ChiefChiefChiefChief ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?
Not my joke but still my go to.
AnchoVilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best place to buy a fridge?
Chowchilla
ando_commando420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on me. He he alright!
slaws404 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously? You beat me by 5 seconds!!!
BigBalls117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're mom gay
WeilderOfDawn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
handgredave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants paint their toenails? So they can hide in cherry trees.
You ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Damn good camouflage.
Sargaxiist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well the first awkward joke I ever told to my wife. Literally 30min after we met: What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
She ugly laughed and married a year later. Now we have 4 kids and we're happy lol.
WhiteSpork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Nu? C over lambda
BaconRapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit the idiot.
Knock knock. Whoโs there? The chicken.
FreakyFox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards when getting in the water?
If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
KaOsGypsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, a baby seal walks into a club...
ghostfrog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
EdgeOne007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "why the long face?"
David35207 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
....
JonathanDP81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two elderly former baseball players live together at a old folks home and get to talking about if they play baseball if heaven. They agree it wouldn't be heaven without it and make a pact that the first one to die should try to tell the other the answer.
Time comes one of them kicks the bucket and a week later the other wakes up in the middle of night feeling a presence. It turns out to be the spirit of his dead friend. Of course he asks the spirit if there's baseball in heaven.
"Well, I have good news and bad news about that. The good news is we play baseball everyday. We have whole leagues running up there."
"That's great! But what's the bad news?"
"My team needs a new pitcher and I signed you up to start in tomorrow's game."
Comrade_ash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Comrade Stalin attended a soccer match, but it was cancelled at half time.
This is because he killed everyone.
FemaleSandpiper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus?
It was in tents.
badbuiiiii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tail mix is an inconvenient way to eat M&M's.
e_la_bron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?
One has a cunning array of stunts...
INemzis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. What's better than eating a mandarin?
A. Eating Amanda out.
Never fails to make me laugh. Though I'm usually the only one. ๐
sparkchaser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably works best with an English accent.
misclord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa died in the holocaust.... he fell off a guard tower.
Goddessemer6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Nation of pink cars?
A pink carnation.
zeroshiftsl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mother is taking her son to see Santa at the local mall. After a long wait the boy gets on Santaโs lap and Santa asks, โwhat do you want for Christmas?โ The boy says, โI want a damn truck and a goddamn baseball glove!โ The boy continues swearing up a storm and after heโs done, his mother comes up to apologize to the mall Santa.
โIโm so sorry!โ, she says. โMy husband and I just canโt get him to stop swearing!โ So the mall Santa pulls her aside and says โwhat you have to do is on Christmas, you need to put some poop under the tree where the presents would be. Itโs worse than coal and heโll know he needs to change.โ She says ok and leaves with her son.
So she reluctantly takes the mall Santaโs advice and puts poop under the tree on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning comes and the mother and father come out to the living room to see their son frantically looking around the tree. โWhat did Santa bring you?โ, they ask. The son replies, โHe got me a fucking puppy, but I canโt find the son of a bitch!โ
KevinReynolds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get 4 gay men onto a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
Daddyomemes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Womenโs rights. (Too edgy?)
sIXTOR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did The gay Guy get fired from The spermbank? Because he was drinking at work
Sockeroo13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you tried turning it off and back on"
WinterholdMage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
thecontinental80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like jokes
BenedickCabbagepatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
dreamrock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do chicken coops always have two doors?
Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans.
TheMcelPain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The doctor says to his patient: โyou have cancer and Alzheimerโs.โ
The patient says โwell, atleast I donโt have cancerโ
Dvick85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix an onion and a donkey?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
liveontimemitnoevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there two hundred and thirty nine beans in Irish Bean Soup?
Because if there were one more, it would be too farty.
An0ctopus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this guy shopping for iphones, wearing a star wars shirt..so i walked up to him and said "these aren't the droids you're looking for"
guigut47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cannibal 1: hey what's this this guys name? Cannibal 2: richard why? Cannibal 1: because you're eating Dick.
adrobeats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Godzilla say after he Tonga?
I want Samoa!!
gentlecaringviolence ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock knock. Whose there? The chicken.
tomass1232321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So two whales walk into a bar, and the first one says โWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHโ And then the other one says, โGo home Jerry youโre drunkโ
The best delivery is if you take a big deep breath in, then go until you canโt anymore, and then the second time, you take a big deep breath in like youโre going to do it again, then cut it off with the line in a perfectly normal voice. Gets โem every time.
SuaveThrower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "It's really getting hot in here!" The other muffin turns and says "AAHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
feelingbutter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do the Inuit wash their clothes in tide?
Because it's too cold out tide.
jeremiahj9519 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!!
Makes me laugh every time..
farm_sauce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bar tender asks โwhatโll you have?โ And the man replies โtwo shots of vodka for me and the giraffe, and keep em coming!โ
The man and the giraffe proceed to get so intoxicated that they fall asleep at the bar.
The following morning the man wakes up, looks over at the passed out giraffe, gathers his things and begins to leave. The bartender, staring at the giraffe, yells to the man โHEY! Where are you going? You canโt leave this lyinโ here!โ
The man turns around and says โfor your information, thatโs not a lion, thatโs a giraffe.โ
Mousedigits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar.
Knock knock.
AcidTrucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: what's the difference between duck? A: none of its feet are both the same.
Saavedro117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three idiots were walking in the woods when they saw a set of tracks. The first one said "Look, deer tracks." The second one said "No, they're rabbit tracks." The third one said "You're both wrong, they're wolf tracks."
Seconds later they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Moarisa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
Ones a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws.
Crahmnor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know the One-Armed-Drummer is on the stage?
"Pa-dum"
SuPeRfLyKiD3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kid comes home with his homework assignment and goes to ask his dad for help. "Dad, can you help me with my assignment? I have to explain the difference between realistically and theoretically."
Dad says, "Sure kiddo, I can help you there. Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for $1 million." The kid reports back, "Ok I asked her and she said she would." Dad says, "That's what I thought. Now I want you to go ask your sister the same question. If she would sleep with the neighbor for $1 million." The kid comes back and says that she would as well.
Dad says, "Ok son. Here's the answer to your homework assignment. Theoretically, we're sitting on $2 million. Realistically, we're living with two whores."
Odiie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works best when heavily itoxicated. Ask me if I'm a tree.
TWells252 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the most annoying pepper?
A jalapeรฑo pepper - itโs always jalll-up in your business!! (You really gotta make the โall upโ part sound like the beginning sound of jalapeรฑo)
and...
Whatโs Mozartโs favorite fruit? A-ba-nan-na (โA bananaโ said like that famous Dun-dun-dun-DUUUUNNNNโ. And is it Mozart or Beethoven?)
Numerous1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Beethoven
tlarham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cats start swimming across a river...an American cat named "One Two Three" and a French cat named "Un Duex Trois."
Which cat made it across the river?
The American Cat, because the "Un Duex Trois Quatre Cinq."
mrollins42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Who is bigger: Papa Bigger, Mama Bigger or Baby Bigger?" "The baby is a little bigger."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Being stupid
batman42a ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...
40oz_2freedom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can tune a piano but you canโt tuna fish
Wakeboardjoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
waltwalt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales walk out of a bar. One whale says to the other "WhoooOOOOOOOoooWhoooOooOOoooO" (whale sounds)
The other whale says "shutup Jerry, you're drunk."
chillyhellion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?
They're two tired.
TheWayToTheDawn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A knot walks into a bar, the bartender says โWe donโt serve your kind here.โ The knot goes outside, ties himself up and parts his hair. He goes back inside and the bartender asks โArenโt you the same guy from a minute ago?โ He says, โNo, Iโm a frayed knot.โ
Commander_Beet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did George Washington say before he crossed the Delaware?
Get in the boat
yabeking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was wrong with Snow Whites cherry? It had 7 little dents in it.
Dr_Atom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what really sucks? Vaccums.
Boy_Howdy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog has no nose!
How does he smell?
Awful.
glowjo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you organize a party in space?
You planet.
Edit: formatting noob
GrimaceIVXX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between jam and jelly?
valicat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work in kitchens and I've cultivated a very professional straight-laced good-girl/mom-friend/boss-lady type of working persona.
So it really knocks 'em down when I hit them with the "What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?" "There isn't?" "I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face."
loveislifelifeisfree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When a guy and a girl are having sex doggy style, what do you call a one eyed dolphin? When it accidentally goes in the wrong hole and she tries to look at you and only one eye is visible and says โeh,eh,eh,ehโ
4End2ThisDay0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the gay deer? He went to the bar and blew 50 bucks.
nai03x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which part of a vegetable is the most difficult part to eat?
The wheelchair.
Das_Mojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saving
et4000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Can blind people be racist?
Establishes that i dont care about ability, willing to shoot the shit about disability.
Establishes that im not afraid to talk with humor about racism
Redflag test, if they answer a firm "no" or something alike, i know im not going to have a fun time no matter how they interpret it.
rosecurry ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:29:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How Is that a joke
et4000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its usually a set up for a joke, and if they cant quite get it then you hit em with the ol "cant be racist if everyone's black" to make them disappointed in you.
hexcor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.
vineety156 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait do you call a belt of watches? A waste of time
Alpha-Crossfit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and invisible?
This piece of lettuce. (Hold your hand out for effect)
Soapy_99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the deal with airline food?
They say they've got two meals but they're always out of one!
RundyNuudoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Lucy drop her ice cream cone?
Because she got hit by a fire truck...
sizzlebb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're really good at hiding
boddmon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do they make the stones in curling out of? I always took it for granite
drb0mb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
just remember this is the kind of thread where the most upvoted are overwhelmingly the early responses, use the sort option.
Sqwiiid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the hippie save the drowning man? He was far out, man.
SpiceOddity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirate's favorite letter? "R!" That's what ye might think, but his first love is the sea!
everynameitryistak3n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the blind guy who fell down a well?
He couldn't see that well.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
serb7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know when an elephant is under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling.
ccooper77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnโt the blonde use the vibrator?
It kept chipping her teeth.
JKMC4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an angel and a scot? An angel says โhey you get off my cloud!โ A Scot says โhey Macleod get off my ewe!โ
Rowanthatboat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture...
TF79870 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three friends are driving through the Arizona desert when all of a sudden the car breaks down. Itโs summer, and they are out of cell phone range. They start to panic, but one friend finds a map and says โHey, we are not too far from Phoenix! If we start walking, we may be able to find help or phone service in a few hours.โ
The decide itโs best to start walking. Since the car is no longer drivable, they also decide to salvage the car for anything that could be useful for their journey.
The first friend takes the driverโs seat. The second friend takes the hood. The third friend takes the passenger-side door.
After about half an hour, they each get curious about the othersโ choices in car parts. And so they ask each other the reasons for their car part.
When asked about the seat, the first friend says, โGuys, the desert sand is hot. If we get tired, we can sit in the seat instead of in the ground.โ The other friends agree this was a good choice.
When asked about the hood, the second friend says, โGuys, the sun is fierce during the summer. The hood will provide us shade when we need it most.โ The other friends agree this was a good choice.
When asked about the door, the third friend says, โGuys, the temperature can get above 115 degrees Fahrenheit this time of year. So if we get too hot we can just roll down the window.โ
Xystem4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When Iโm feeling witty, whenever someone sneezes Iโll go โthatโs enough out of youโ, fake scolding them. It usually confuses people quite a bit, and only amuses me, but thatโs all I care about!
belleayreski2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Kamikaze pilot wear seat belts?
Because they're fucking nuts.
Kleoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Kelloggs_Brimblebop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/wordavalanches
echof0xtrot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
point at flying-V of geese
you know why one side of a flying-V is longer than the other?
because there are more birds on that side.
ella-dreames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
lack_of_jope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three legged dog walks into a Bar... says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Pa...."
ZSebra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was in it's shell, the other one was a sa
TyTyLongo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees give milk
Boobies
IngardianPirate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard of the three holes in the ground? No? Well...well...well....
BadLuckProphet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my woman the way I like my coffee. Without another man's dick in it.
Thegingerkid01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best part of banging twenty eight year olds?
Thereโs twenty of them
daddyfingers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Britney Spears. Britney Spears who? Knock knock. Who's there? Oops I did it again.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
guy calls in sick to work..boss says "you don't sound sick"...guy says "well, I butt fucked my sister...that sick enuff for you?"
Derlique ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A traveling businessman goes into a brothel; he goes to the madam and says "good evening ma'am, $100 for your worst blowjob in the house."
Confused, she says "sir you can get a whole lot more than that for $100!"
So he says "oh no I'm not horny, I'm home sick!"
KingKurai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't rednecks engage in the reverse cowgirl position?
Because they never turn their back on family.
unsanemaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the father says "the aristocrats"
redbeansoda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do mermaids wear sea shells? B-Shells are too small
Rankstranger77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One penguin says to another, "ha, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo!" The second penguin says, "what makes you think I'm not?"
GAWDAMN69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the easiest way to get Buble gum out of your hair?
Cancer
gordomgillespie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar His alcohol dependency is tearing this family apart
dikunanna ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lawyer, a teacher, and a priest are on a plane when it starts going down.
The teacher says, โSave the children!โ
The lawyer says, โFuck the children!โ
The priest looks around, and asks, โIs there time?โ
jrobinson3k1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Let's say you were out camping with some buds, had one too many drinks, and passed out. You wake up the next morning and discover a condom in your butt. Would you tell anyone?
They answer "No"
You reply "Want to go camping?"
If they answer "Yes", tell them to fuck off because they ruined your joke.
Laserman257 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try Amy.
Legionodeath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke from the first boondock saints.
talltaletom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican man walks up to a vending machine to get a drink. The drinks cost $1.10 and he inserts a dollar and presses the button for the Pepsi. The vending machine says โdimeโ on the screen, so he leans in closer to the machine and whispers, โQuiero Pepsi.โ
I_squash_da_banana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I bought a thesaurus at a used book store the other day and it was awful, not only that, it was awful."
DisconcertedLiberal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Buffalo say to his son who was leaving for college? Bison.
ShinkenRed48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A joke from my uncle. So you know the three wise monkeys. One sees no evil, one speaks no evil, and one hears no evil. There was a recent discovery of three more modern monkeys. Except, one sees no one, one hears no one, and one speaks to no one.
giantdwarf35 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A high school kid asks his crush to the senior prom. She says yes, so now he has alot of planning to do. First he decides he needs a tux so he goes to the tux store and there's a long line so he gets in the tux line to rent a tux. Next he needs flowers so he drives to the flower shop and yet again another long line, he hops in the flower line and gets his flowers. He then decided he needs some chocolates, so he drives to the candy store and there is a long chocolate line he stands in line and gets The chocolates. The night comes, everything is perfect he picks up his date, she loves the flowers and the chocolates and compliments his tux. After dancing half the night away his date asks for some punch from the refreshment table. He goes over to the refreshment table and there is no punch line..............
throwaway4966668 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.
iBaconized ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see, said the blind man to the deaf dog.
Not a joke as much as it is something I say almost every day.
Joafie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say to his mate on his 80th birthday?
I'm Eighty.
boatfloaterr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping Tom?
One of them snatches watches...
Murphman82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a woman are on their third date, after dinner at his place they start to passionately kiss on his couch, the woman stops and says "I have a confession to make." She points at her chest and continues, "These aren't real, I stuff my bra, I'm actually as flat as a baby." As she starts to cry the man tries to console her, he says "It's okay! I have a confession to make also." Pointing to his crotch he says, "I'm only as big as a baby myself..." The woman isn't sure what to think about that, but feels better as they begin to kiss again, soon she stands up and takes off her blouse and bra showing her flat chest. The man then gets up and unzips his fly and flops out a gigantic cock that hits the top of the coffee table with a loud thud, the woman exclaims "I thought you said you were as big as a baby!?!" The man responds with a big grin on his face "I am, seven pounds six ounces!"
Captain_Dynamyte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the worst part of locking ur keys in the car at the abortion clinic..........
Asking to borrow a coat hanger.....;)
Glivo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I die I want to go in my sleep, like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the other people that were in the car that he was driving.
retinchet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies.
RockitDanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Bartender, I'll have a beer...and a mop!"
marcarddd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb
McBrodoSwagins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers on their face.
lbadgley87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My credit score
blaideosrs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If Y-E-S spells yes, what does E-Y-E-S spell? Obvious when you spell it out but that joke always cracks me up.
IsaacsBinder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
French fries weren't originally cooked in France. They were cooked in Greece.
RobbieMcSkillet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a knock knock joke but you have to start it.
smarranara ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know, say what you will about deaf people...
OGTfrom92EP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a cornhusker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The cornhusker with epilepsy shucks between fits.
CreepyVanMan_1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Princess Diana cross the street? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotofpuss
OldBrownSock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
____ 'er? I barely know 'er!
marinersblow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between boy scouts and jews?
Boy scouts come home from their camps.
Magidex42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Holy balls that's dark
riley_murphy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 2 Hispanics playing basketball? Juan on Juan
Pulp_Ficti0n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a seal walks into a club
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i made up this joke..some people laugh, most don't..
dude was walking his dog and a lady said "hey, why isn't your dog on a leash?"..
dude says, with a lisp "becaush he ownsh hish housh"....
sigmetss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice but in practice there is.
ICUMTARANTULAS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try Mike Birbiglia
urbanbumfights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some variation of the step-ladder joke.
This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder, but this one is real supporting me.
Or some variation of that.
It works best with short people because you'll always be able to bring up ladders randomly.
monkwren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's these two muffins baking in an oven. The first muffin says "Hey, don't you think it's getting a little hot in here?" The second muffin replies: "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Magidex42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Found the Magic player!
90Sr-90Y ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These two nuns walk into a bar.
Youโd think the second one would have noticed it.
SatisfactoryNachos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm a big fan of the anti-jokes- What is brown and sticky? A stick. What is green and fuzzy? Green fuzz. What happens when a dinosaur goes swimming? It gets wet.
JosoIce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you called a Chicken coop with 4 doors.... A chicken sedan
hannje77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my 2 favorite punchlines:
squoril ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what are; the jokes, alex?
Rollergirl66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get your pet turtle across the freeway safely?
You take the โFโ out of free and the โFโ out of way.
(Work it out out loud. You can thank me later)
squoril ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thats waysist
psyki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one only works if you say it out loud
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSHHHH!
NoteBlock08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
CouponTheMovie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
whalecat4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone of vanilla ice cream, his favorite, and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
introvertedbassist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Government.
Down4whiteTrash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who was Moby Dicks Father?
-Papa Boner
el_gumu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Damn girl, are you the wall of Jericho? Because if I walk around you seven times I promise you'll fall for me.
iteachband ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the hardest part about telling jokes timing.
akhjr23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A termite walks into a bar and says โis the bar tender here?โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a penguin goes to get his car worked on, he takes it into the shop and the mechanic says ok itโll take about an hour, thereโs an ice cream shop across the street most people go to.
So the penguin goes to the ice cream shop and comes back an hour later with vanilla ice cream all over his beak.
So the mechanics goes โwell, it looks like you blew a sealโ
And the penguin goes โnope itโs just ice cream this timeโ
Sike1dj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nun in a wheel chair?
Virgin mobile.
pkaJIMMBOI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ur mom gay
CalvinOnce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eyed deer.
Basatc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the last sound a pubic hair makes before it hits the ground? spit noise
nontechnicalbowler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spoken joke, not written. And good only seasonally:
I gave up picking my belly button for lent (lint).
tech2887 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the mushroom the life of the party?
He was a fungi
mister_chainsaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Prepare to see all of these on r/jokes soon
DVagabond ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The team of a black-haired woman, a redhead, and a blonde win a prestigious contest run by the US government and NASA, with the prize being a paid trip anywhere. The contest organizers approach the black-haired woman and ask where she'd like to go for her prize.
"I want to go to the moon! I've always wanted to see first-hand where the Eagle landed, see the pale blue dot, and walk in the footsteps of our great astronauts. Plus I've always admired the night sky since it's the same color as my hair, and it would be great to see it truly black with no atmosphere to interfere." The contest folk huddle together for a conference and after a moment come back and say, "OK, we'll send you to the moon. It will take a couple weeks to prepare for the spaceflight, but we'll get you there."
They then approach the redhead, asking the same question. "I want you to send me to Mars! I want to be the first person to set foot on another world and be known for all of history, and it's fitting going to the red planet since my hair is also red." The contest organizers have another mini-conference, then come back and say, "It will be challenging, but we'll honor your wishes and send you to Mars. It will take a few months to prepare, but you'll be the first human to step foot on the red planet."
Finally, they approach the blonde and ask the same question. She's seen the escalation and reasoning of her two partners and decides to keep going with it. "Please send me to the Sun! Nobody has ever been there so I'd be famous forever, and it's bright and yellow like my hair!" The organizers have a small huddle, then come back to her and say, "We're sorry, but that's frankly impossible. Any ship we sent you on would burn up far before you could get to the Sun." The blonde looks incredulous and says, "Well duh, I'm not stupid! Just send me there at night!"
RettyD4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ya know why they hold babies upside down and spank them when their born?
Because it knocks the dicks off the dumb ones.
(I'm about to get some serious hate mail)
sawyer2002_9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whyโs a chicken need an umbrella to cross the road? So they donโt get their pecker wet!
NobleScreech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little boy and an older gentleman are walking through the woods at dusk. The trail is well lit, but as they walk and it's gets later, the trail becomes harder to follow. It is dark at this point, and the boy starts to cling to the mans arm a little tighter. After walking a long while, the boy looks at the man and says "gee, I don't know about going any farther, it's getting pretty scary out here in the dark". The man looks at him and scoffs "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk out of here by myself!"
Definitely make sure to tell this one to all your friends with kids!
5a1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Hell if I know.
compessedcheese ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you kill a one-legged fox?
Make him run across Canada.
Catflakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
aeroxan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did George Washington say to his men before crossing the Delaware?
"Get in the boat"
Victor11213 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock... who's there? Smell mup Smellmup who?
Nah dog. That's nasty
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
TiredPaedo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The paedophilia?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Guess again
nxcrosis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bus driver, nun, and guy joke.
Narglesonthebrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
ozmehm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A duck goes into a pharmacy and says โGive me some chapstick and put it on my billโ
leestitzel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Caution NSFW
...
A woman is golfing and gets stung by a bee. She goes to the doctor's office. The doctor comes in and glances up from her chart, he asks "where did you get stung?" The woman replies, "between the first and second hole." The doctor says, "Damn! That's a wide stance."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
AyyLmaoChicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
DonsDupHillsPantSuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
...A pilot, you friggin bigot...
NthBrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Baptist minister, a Catholic priest, and Jewish rabbi are on a fishing trip. The priest decides he's had enough fishing for the day, so he steps out of the boat and walks to shore, electing to begin preparations for the evening meal.
About an hour later, the rabbi decides he ought to go help the priest with preparations, so he too steps out of the boat and walks to shore.
Upon witnessing these apparent miracles, the minister thinks to himself: "Surely, if the priest and rabbi possess sufficient faith to walk on water, so can I!"
So, the minister stands up, steps out of the boat, and promptly falls into the lake. On the shore, the rabbi asks the priest: "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
Young_Gus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field
walesmd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When addressing a group of people:
"Hello ladies/gentleman; and {insert 1 person's name}"
OmegaMike108 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not so much a joke but a pun
I once had a fear of hurdles. Don't worry, I got over it
nowhereman136 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an elephant flying a plane?
The pilot, duh
dxtr_101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
Ill_draw_you_nude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Public service announcement: You'll see every one of these in r/jokes tomorrow. So, don't sweat it if you miss any good ones.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did cinderella say when she got to the ball?
gagging noise
superluig164 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get 100 babies in a bathtub? A blender.
How do you get them out?
Tostitos.
Starlord182182 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Calling someone gay, total classic
heliumdidntreact ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
meh
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The manager at a drug store is wandering through the store and sees a man leaning against the wall. He walks over to the counter and asked the employee at the counter why the man was there. The employee says "oh, he came in and could not stop sneezing". The manager says "ah, so what did you do to help him?". "Oh" the employee says "I gave him a strong laxative". "The manager looks panicked and yells "are you insane, you can't do that!". The employee looks back at the manager and says "look, he's afraid to sneeze".
suckamynutta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bend over and Iโll show ya
not_n_there ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why wasnt the lifegaurd able save the hippie from drowning?
because he was too far out maaan.
DaSkrubKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would Thomas Jefferson call five jazz musicians/rappers? A musical trio.
Rollawayyourpebbles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken go to WhatABurger? To see a chicken strip.
Whiterose0818 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I marry two midgets, is that bigamy?
Jacob_JBR_Ryan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what you get if you put guitar strings on a frying pan? A panjo.
GeothermicLSD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Catholic Priests only allow 35 year olds in their congregation?
Because there's 30 of them.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
DewWisp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? More than 40, the basement is still dark.
seeteethree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
arthurofcharn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They are so cute at that age. And then they grow older. And then they wreck your car. I loved that car. I am of course joking, I have no children of my own. My father, on the other hand, really misses that car.
LNMagic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The WNBA.
hedgecore77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part about cutting open a dead baby?
Your erection.
(You never fail because people walk away from you before their reaction sinks in.)
Kythulhu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it that when Miley Cyrus dances around naked while licking a sledgehammer, it's considered "sexy", but when I do it I get kicked out of Home Depot?
yeetskideet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
gingerzdohavesoles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, Johnny and his girl Sally are going to prom this Saturday. But, before they can go, Johnny needs to make sure they have a perfect night.
So, Friday comes, and Johnny goes out to get his tuxedo. When he gets to the tux rental store, there's this ridiculously long line. But he needs the tux, so Johnny waits. And he waits, and waits until finally, he has his tux.
Next, he needs a limo. So he goes to the limousine rental shop and finds that there's an even longer line there. But he needs the limo, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he has the limo ordered.
Johnny realizes he needs some new kicks, so he stops by a shoe store to get himself some nice shoes. When he goes to pay, he sees the longest line yet. But he needs the shoes, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he's got his new shoes.
Saturday, Johnny's ready to pick up his girl. He drives over to her house, picks her up, and they head to prom. At the dance, they're having a great time, dancing, playing at the casino, hanging out with friends. Soon, though, Sally gets thirsty, and asks Johnny for a drink. Being the good guy he is, Johnny obliges.
So Johnny walks over to the punch table.
eradikateor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And realizes... There's no punch line
Lieyanto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
bradorsomething ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to walk up to girls I know and whisper "sweet nothings" in their ears.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get why people say there is such a huge divide between science and religion.
Science provides things like giant towers, and airplanes. And religion brings them together!
intoxicatedALF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
Barlakopofai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't even get like half the jokes in this thread. Are you sure they're not your never-go-to fail jokes?
RandomLink609 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My appearance
adunn511 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
Iโve never let a garbanzo bean on my face
TheOuthouseOrphan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground meat
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean meat
What do you call a cow with two legs? ....Your mom ;)
ebiofuel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tomorrow on r/jokes...
redditrette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt Amish teach drivers ed and sex ed in the same day?
Itโs too hard on the horse.
Category5worrycane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the lesbian couple that built a house?
All tongue and groove, not a stud in sight.
trippoint ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dog that limped into the bar? He was looking for the man who shot his paw.
Bugsifer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Cowgo
Cowgo who?
Cow go moo not who!
M0dusPwnens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
miscmsc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Really all I do is just say the punchline, which is "Rectum?!?! Damn near killed 'em!" This usually happens when I'm drunk.
autonomous2323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Knock knock
Them: Whoโs there?
Me: Too
Them: Too who?
Me: Too whom...
12025000V ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
where did Hitler keep his armies?
in his sleevies.
people think it's gonna be bad and then are relieved when the punchline is so easy going that they laugh out of relief.
pedantic_cheesewheel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An engineer said to a young boy
โPi r squaredโ
The boy said no sir,
โPi are round, cornbread are squareโ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can tune a guitar, but you canโt tunafish.
starmastery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear what happened the other day when the pope went to mount olive?
Popeye beat the shit out of him.
djblaze666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Helen Keller such a terrible driver?
It's a woman..
bligfreem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are fucking when the house catches on fire. Which one gets out first?
The one of the bottom because he already had his shit packed.
plznotk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the hardest part about vapeing.....telling your parents your gay๐คฃ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is hammering a nail and hits his fingernail in the process. His buddy says:
"Wow, you hit that nail on the head."
LovestheBeast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.
Lord_Ewok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Leaf me alone, I'm bushed"
notalexweyls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โThatโs a sin.โ
magnummentula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the squirrel swimming on it's back?
It was trying to keep it's nuts dry.
groundpusher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino?
'Ellifino!
Like "hell if I know!"
deepsoulfunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young PhD student is standing on top of the Physics building, preparing to leap to his death. The head of the Physics department runs out after him shouting, "Stop! You have so much potential!"
catsohmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
making fun of myself
BlackhawkGrowlz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: I became a helicopter pilot to overcome my greatest fear... Stranger: Really? Whatโs that? Me: Dying alone.
CDav1s09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other?
It smells like carrots.
tacoxbell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At weddings. Pretend to clink the glass when the bride or groom are dancing with their parents
garveezy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear
MrMcPwnsalot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped
CDewfus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce the word "unionized"
compete8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like fish sticks? You're a gay fish
ZXZ939 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to drink a lot of alcohol... I still do but I used to too.
swtinc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your dick into a watermelon.
chibiwong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What recipe has a step where you dangle a piece of lettuce in front of a rooster's face?
Chicken sees-a-salad.
XXNigelThornberryXX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a third grader with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
whyismypenisfloating ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tarzan was playing in the trees with the monkeys, swinging from tree to tree using the lianas when all of a sudden he fell down a big thorny bush!
The accident was extreme, and he was taken by the elephantbulance to the jungle doctor immediately!
What the doctor saw was terrifying, Tarzan had lost his right eye, his left arm, his left leg and worst of all, his penis.
The doctor began surgery immediately.
The next day when Tarzan woke up, he asked the doctor what happened.
"Tarzan, you fell down a big thorny bush and lost your right eye, your left arm, your left leg but worst of all, your penis. Unfortunately I did not have any spare human parts left. Instead, I replaced your right eye with the eye of a hawk, your left arm with the arm of a monkey, your left leg with the leg of a cheetah and your penis with the trunk of an elephant. Now go out and try your new limbs and come back tomorrow to tell me how they are"
Tarzan went out again and played with the monkeys, ran around the jungle and did as Tarzan does. The next day he went back to the doctor.
"So, Tarzan, tell me how your new limbs have been doing"
Tarzan answered, "Well, the hawk eye is extraordinary! I can see farther than I have ever been able to before, when I am in the top of the tree I can see everything that is happening in the jungle!"
"Secondly, my monkey arm is amazing! I can swing from liana to liana without any strain, I am sure that I will never fall from any tree again!"
"Thirdly, my cheetah leg allows me to run faster than any other animal in the jungle! I am now TRULY the king of the jungle, no other animal can surpass me! BUT, THIS GOD DAMN ELEPHANT TRUNK, KEEPS. PICKING. UP. GRASS. AND SHOVES IT RIIIIGHT. UP. MY. ANUS.
(sorry for poor English!)
DrMantisTobogan9784 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
HaveNotRedditYet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't lesbians diet while wearing makeup?
Because you can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.
cannydooper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
Hanandrof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says hello I always say, "A, B, C what I did there?"
It gets a laugh about 5% of the time and a groan the other 95%.
cellularized ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Popes meet.
Juniper02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everything reposted in r/jokes
natacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
Very_Literal_Answer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about deaf people
Volsung_Odinsbreed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Self denigration..... Whomp whomp
nopuedomorir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
RhysCranberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
LocalDreamer_C-137 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a gross bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
Oneโs a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean ba dum tiss
MarsNirgal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a priest giving communion in mass, and it comes close a busty girl with a very low leckline, showing everything.
The priest says: "I'm sorry, dear, but I can't give you communion in these clothes. Please cover up!"
The girl says: "That's not fair. I have a right, and it's divine!"
The priest answers: "And the left one to, but you need to cover up!"
cainoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a closet full of lesbians?
a licker store
Dlaney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs a penguin driving cross country. His car starts acting up so at the next town he pulls off at the mechanic. M: โgimme 15 minutes and iโll see whatโs happening.โ the penguin sees an ice cream parlor across the street and heads over to get a sundae. now penguins donโt have opposable thumbs just the flippers is all, so heโs stuck just kind of throwing ice cream towards his face and hoping for the best, making a huge mess. he finishes up, tries to clean up as best he can, and heads back to the mechanic. m: โit looks like you blew a seal.โ p: โoh! no itโs just ice cream!โ
huseirdaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two country boys are driving around one night and decide to go through a local field. They stop when they suddenly see an anvil in the middle of the field. They get out to check it out and one of them sees a well not 50 feet away. He says "let's toss the anvil in the well and see how far it goes!" They carry it over to the well and hick it over the side. It falls for about a good 5 seconds before they hear a thud. "She's dried up" says one of them. Suddenly they hear a wailing noise and turn around to see a goat charging at them! They side step and the goat just seems to jump in the well, wailing the whole way. "Holy shit that was crazy! He fell down the well! No way he's alive!" As soon as they get back to their truck they see a farmer walking up to them. "Did you boys see my goat anywhere around here?" "Yeah! We were over by that well and he charged us and jumped in! Craziest thing!" The farmer looks at them baffled and says "Well that's impossible. He couldn't have made it to that well. I had him tied to an anvil right around here!"
skippy1110 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Norwegian military ships have barcodes? So when the ships come into port they can SCANdaNAVIan.
onyxblack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear my favorite knock knock joke? Ok, you start it
The_Angry_Alpaca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a French restaurant and asks the waiter, "Do you have Wild Duck?" The waiter says, "No sir, but we can take a tame one and irritate it for you."
panzernoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt the toilet paper cross the road?
Cause it got stuck in a crack.
judgej2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to an awful zoo the other day. All they was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
Gandalfs_wizbiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me? Im the punchline of every bully ive ever met.
cloud_runner64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What dyu call a fly with no wings? A Walk.
fodasmas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ancient Greece.
Man walks into a tailorโs carrying a pair of pants.
Tailor says: โEuripides?โ
Man says: โYeah. You menda these?โ
Apetrally ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that people how are left handed have a 50% better chance to finish a test before those who died at birth
KumquatsFromHell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "That must be annoying." The pirate responds, "Arrr. It's drivin' me nuts."
mrjb3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.
Twoduckskissing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not my go to but some of my Grandpa's highlight reel:
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in water? Bob
What if he's at the front door? Matt
There's a bunch more along those lines but can't think of them at the moment
Erneeezy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the batmobile?
"Robin, get in the fucking batmobile!"
lozz2103 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three pregnant women are sitting on a bench knitting. The first says โI hope mines a boy because Iโve knitted with blue woolโ The second says โI hope mines a girl, because Iโve used pinkโ The third says โI hope mines a retard because I fucked mine upโ
jgarciajr1330 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Piglet look into the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
1LargeCheesePizza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between Christmas and 9/11?
Muslims donโt celebrate Christmas.
hardwoodfloor1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When Guy Fieri inevitably decides to "bite the bullet" he'll dip it in barbecue sauce so he can go to flavor town one last time.
Bumbleblock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see his flat mate
micknill4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What brown and green and hurts when it falls on you from high up in a tree?
A pool table.
HuecoTanks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donโt walk with a Cain if youโre Abel.
ShadyShay79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the first thing to go through an insect's mind when it hits the windshield of your car? It's arse
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't go to work today. Called in scared. Told them I'm afraid I can't make it.
Spartan17492 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Taco_Kitty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
monkeyfish96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I went to the zoo it was a terrible experience.
There was nothing in the exhibits except one dog.
It was a shih-tzu...
FightTheFallen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My penis.
nolongerilurk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are caterpillars afraid of?
Dogerpillars
Userdoesntlivehere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This cannibal passes his brother in the woods
ibrakethings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever smelled moth balls? Yes.
How did you lift their little legs?
ZakZaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my wife the other day that when she turned 40, I was going to trade her in for two 20 year olds. She said good, now you can disappoint two women instead of just one.
FreeTortoises ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
You nail it's other hand to the floor
trippster0712 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock
whose there
deez
deez who
deez nuts HA GOT EM!
Hi_ery1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's this farm, and the head rooster is getting kind of old, so the farmer decides to buy a replacement.
Well, when the new rooster arruves, he seems kind of cocky, and the old rooster isn't having any of it, so he says "here's how things work in here. I get that you're supposed to be my replacement, but until I die, you answer to me."
The new rooster, being the cocky little shit he is, replies "fuck you. I could just take everything and you couldn't do anything about it."
So the old rooster says "okay, how about a fair race then? If you can beat me, you get it all now. If I beat you. You have to do everything I say until the day I die. The only catch is that I'm a little old, so you'll have to give me a little head start. Is that okay?"
The new rooster, cocky as ever, of coursr replies "hell yea! Prepare to lose, old man!"
So they decide on a time, place, and route, and before long it's time for the race.
On the day of the race, the two roosters get ready to run, and the older rooster reminds the younger rooster "I get a 10 second head start, okay?" And the younger rooster says "okay, okay." And the race starts.
Off takes the older rooster, and 10 seconds later the younger rooster follows.
Well, about half way through the race, the younger rooster is gaining on the older rooster fast, when suddenly there's a loud bang, and you young rooster goes down, clearly dead.
"God damn it!" The farmer swears. "I got me another gay rooster!"
KingAceNumber1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Giraffe walks into a bar and says "the highballs are on me"
batty_bat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Hey, there's something on your nose.
Them: touches nose
Me: TOOT!
Neldryn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you never shower with a pokemon?
It might pikachu (peek at you).
1ne3hree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between jelly and jam?
I canโt jelly my dick up your ass.
HuecoTanks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the best kind of pet to keep in your car?
A carpet.
tjsr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In tech circles,
"I'll tell you a UDP joke, but I don't care if you get it".
bodychecks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Jesus Christ eat M&M's? Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
SpankMeDaddy22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This termite walks into the bar and asks; Hey, Where's the bartender?
Nother_Story ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a king keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
ImABurritoToo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Like, a Brazilian!
hummusskunked ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Person 1: Would you rather eat a brick or a matter-baby?
Person 2: whatโs a matter-baby?
Person 1: nothing at all, why??
HuecoTanks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt you crossbreed an eagle with an eel?
Thatโd be eel-eagle.
C0lMustard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Evangelical goes to a hotel, tells the hotel ahead of time that there is to be no sin in the room.
Checks in and says "I hope you have disabled porn in my room"
Clerk says "no just regular porn you sick bastard"
egvdk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a snowman and a vampire had a baby, what would they name it?
Frostbite
notchent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat .
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a go to joke right now, my last one lasted me a good 30 years. What's white and wears checked (plaid if here be Americans) trousers? Rupert the Fridge.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it's cock.
T1ken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: What's worth than half a worm.... Wait. Let me start over.
Me: What's worse than a worm in an apple?
Them: Half a worm.
Me interrupting: The Holocaust.
Kyled175 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into a bar, goes up the bartender and says, "I'll have a whiskey...
...and a glass of water." Confused, the bartender asks the bear, "Why the long pause?" The bear looks down at his hands and replies, "I don't know I was born with them."
TANNAMODE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sort by controversial for comedy cemetary
Notlonganymore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Back in my day, we only had 25 letters in the alphabet....No one knew why.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You catch two inmates fucking, who do you put in seg?
The one on the bottom, his shit is already packed.
okamichan4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the melons have a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe.
Amaar1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
villainstyle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the first letter of the word poop?
P! (pee)
GobBluth9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From another thread:
My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said, "thanks for this" and he said, "don't mention it."
theKinkajou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know Socrates wasn't heterosexual? He was questioning.
carrotflowerking2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my wife ran off with the neighbor last week. and you know what? iโm really gonna miss him.
TotallyNotAliens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are like frogs. Once you dissect then, they are no longer funny.
Poor Kermit.
Akrysol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question? "..."
captain2man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a baby seal walks into a club...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's a guy working at the morgue. He runs upstairs to his boss and says "boss there's a shrimp in this girl's vagina". Boss goes down to check it out and says "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit". Guy says "mmm didn't taste like a clit".
Jamooose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just tell the story of the time I ate a whole sleeve of Oreos and threw up in my mothers bed
Stranger__Danger_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
..a liquor cabinet
kathykool24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Chewbacca when he works with clay?
Hairy Potter.
wtf-0ver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your momma so fat....
Shennong93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I read the title as "What is your go-to-jail joke?" and I risk clicked with extreme caution.
Chismoto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These 3 guys walk into a bar. I figure the 2nd 2 should have missed it.
SinaSyndrome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell when your sister is on her period?
If you can taste the blood on your father's dick.
Mattsatterfield1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
TaiKiserai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the teacher fart in public?
Because she was a Private Tooter!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
UR MOM GAE ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ
CapetownFC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the largest city in the world?
Dublin. Because it keeps Dublin and Dublin and Dublin
muddog85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the story of the magical tractor?
It drove down the street and turned into a field.
vizz1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like to purposefully mix up Star Trek and Star Wars references to break tension.
silent room
โOk, but for real, what exactly was Spock trying to get out of the Dark Side?โ
Stuff like that.
zee_spirit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
mrollins42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
The rooster says 'cockadoodledoo,' and the hooker says 'any cock'l do.'
chasewarner99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is to look at a guy and saying the most homosexual thing I can think of. (no offense) If you have never done this I will recommend doing it. You will get one of two reactions, the first is a great laugh, the other is a very awkward moment, both of which are hilarious.
Bobboy5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
AKA_Gern_Blanston ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a man that grew up in the 80โs, it amazes me the things I took for granted as a child that kids today donโt even know.
For instance, I asked a kid the other day if he knew what VHF and UHF meant. He looked and me and said โWTF?โ I LOLโed.
FragLegs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Howe is a name like a question.
LeoMarius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I always say there's nothing like a good joke, and that was nothing like a good joke. (Bert "Mary Poppins")
The_Samarox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I better not see all these on r/jokes
takes_joke_literally ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:22:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've yet to see one here that I haven't already seen there. If I do, I'll take it.
helen_burns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink but the bartender said โget outta here! We donโt serve ropes in this bar!โ So the rope jumps down off the barstool, walks outside, ties himself in a knot and rubs himself against a rock for a few hours. The next day he goes back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says โhey, arenโt you that rope that was in here yesterday?โ And the rope says โNope! Iโm a frayed knotโ
mushbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. Why are there no knock knock jokes about freedom
A. Cause freedom rings BITCHES!
Minimatt233 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hello there!
Niro5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little boy and a clown are walking into a forest hand-in-hand on a dark and stormy night. The little boy says, "This place scares me!"the clown says "how do you think I feel, I'm going to have to walk out of this place alone!"
Cizdemyk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks "What's the occasion?". The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." "Congratulations! Have another one on me" the bartender says. The man answers "No thanks, if 6 doesn't take the taste out, nothing will. "
FeverishDreamer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The wiiiide mouth frog joke,an oldie,but goodie
Tuna_Sushi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Italian ladies are talking. One says, "Ayyy, Vinnie came home with flowers, my legs will be up in the air all weekend!"
Her friend replies, "Whatsamatta you, you gotta no vase?"
IguanaBalls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin-divers.
DJMankiewitz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was Simba grounded? Because he was lion.
Why wasn't Simba standing up? Because he was lion.
Why wasn't Mufasa standing up? Because he died.
OctoFuddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
DoritoAssassin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dwarfed fortune teller who escapes prison?
A small medium at large
jebhebmeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.
PossessedToSkate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know a great joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is pretty long.
SMILESandREGRETS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you nickname a cow with Parkinson's? Milk Shake
DrChillgood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cowboy walks into a saloon and notices a big jar of 20 dollar bills on the counter. So he strolls up to the bar, "Excuse me there, what's with that jar of 20's?"
"Well," says the bar-tender, "we have a little bit of a game around here, ya see, you put a 20 dollar bill in the jar, I give you 5 shots of whisky and I have ya try and do two things. If you can do 'em, you get the whole jar"
So the man says "Alright, what do I have to do after the whisky?"
The bartender explains: "Well there's a dog out back the bar that has a sore tooth that needs to get pulled and there's a lonely lady up stairs in the third room that could use some company."
So the cowboy throws in a 20 in a hurry, the bar-tender fills him up shot after shot until he's put down all 5 and in a drunken hurry the cowboy goes out back.
From out back comes an awful awful clatter. The dog's barking and wailing minuet after minuet and the whole saloon's just silent, on edge, trying to make sens of what's happening in the noise.
Then the cowboy stumbles in, "Alright sir the dog's taken care of, now where's the lovely lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
JodeasXD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three sailors sailing together to discover new lands. One is French, one is African, and one is American. (Don't ask why they sail together, I don't know or care.) They come upon an uncharted island, plant their respective flags and set of to explore. Before long they get captured by cannibals who drag them back to their village and inform them that they have good and bad news, which would you like to hear first?
The American asks for the bad news, and the cannibals respond, "We're going to kill you, skin you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin for our canoes." "And the good news?" " You get to choose the way you die."
So the Frenchman decides to drink poisoned French wine, he does and they skin him, eat him, and use his skin for the canoes.
The African asks to be hanged, them gets skinned, eaten, and his skin is used for the canoes.
The American ask for a fork and a knife. He then proceeds to stab and slash at himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he chose such a painful way to die, and he responds "FUCK YOUR CANOES!!"
That one or: A boy mushroom asks a girl mushroom out. The girl mushroom says no. The boy mushroom asks why not? I'm a fungi?!
MrBulldops1738 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They say you are what you eat. If that's true, then I am just too much.
Bobbbcat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, he laughs.
HugTheBowz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-Tickles
jpfrost17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you turn a piece of meat into a vegetable?
Break her neck.
HeardsTheWord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I'm not sure what she laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
twirlnextdoor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the female rapper that only raps on her menstrual cycle?
Sheโs got mad flow.
notgayinathreeway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face.
IAmRedBeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It has several parts. 1. Why did poor Sally fall out of the swing? Poor Sally had no arms. 2. What did poor sally get for Christmas? We don't know either, she couldn't open her presents. 3. Why couldn't poor Sally hug her father? Sally didn't have a father. 4. Knock Knock - "Whose there?" - Not Sally. Best played if you make the delivery kinda sad.
roystus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales go into a bar, and one says to the other, (imitate whale song for at least 10 seconds, longer if you can get away with it).
The other whale says, โFrank, youโre drunk.โ
thegirlwholovespigs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
cl0s33n0ugh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. After finding a place to sit, he grabs the menu. Beers are 4 bucks, cheeseburgers for 5, and down at bottom he reads, "Handjobs - $20." Intrigued, he waives down the bartender.
This bartender is a knockout. Flowing red hair, huge breasts bursting out of her shirt, low rise jeans, the whole nine. He asks her, "Ma'am, I see here that you've got handjobs going for twenty bucks. Are you the one giving these handjobs?" The bartender leans across the bar, purses her lips, and says while giggling, "Why, yes! Yes I am."
The man smiles, and tells her, "Okay, well go in the back & wash your hands, cause I'd like a cheeseburger."
atomfuzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you kill a clown? Go for the juggler
steffloc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a pirates favorite letter?
They say โRโ
You think itโs โRโ but itโs really the C.
mlo519 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel on his pants. He orders some rum, but first, the bartender asks him, "whats with the steering wheel?"
The pirate answers, "Arrr, its drivin me nuts!"
fatherbiscuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a moose but not a moose?
A moose, I lied about the not being a moose part.
BobT21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Red shift: When cars are moving toward me I see white lights. When cars are going away from me I see red lights.
SkinnyShin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a thesaurus have for breakfast? A synonym roll, just like grammar used to make.
chipsicecream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
โItโll be a minute before I get hard, I just got laid by a chickโ
denimwookie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do programmers confuse Haloween and Christmas?
Because Oct31 and Dec25!
...i'll see myself out...
Kortze26 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
According to police statistics when is a criminal at their sharpest?
When they are in-car-serrated...
20mtorralba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky??
A stick
00feyOwch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When playing pool, if anyone does a break without sinking anything I say:
โThat break was a womenโs break.. all bust and no balls.โ
HennyPendergrass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Kortze26 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
According to police statistics when is a criminal at their sharpest?
When they are in-car-serrated...
iTonee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friends told you I was cool? They weren't wrong :(
ElevatorDerby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do the Polish keep their armies?
In their sleevies
lymaro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a limestoneโs biggest fear?
That it will be taken for granite.
NotChillin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deez nutz
Danguski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two wind turbines are standing in the field, one said to the other
"Hey have you heard of Katty Perry?"
the other reply "Yeah! I'm a big fan."
achesst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I know I'm late to the party, but I always loved this one.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog, and the bartender tells him that no pets are allowed. The guy says, "No, see, this is a talking dog!"
"Talking dog?" The bartenders says, "Tell you what, if that's a real talking dog, the drinks for both of you are on me tonight."
So the man says, "Alright boy! What's the opposite of smooth?"
The dog replies, "Rrrruff!"
"That's right boy! Now, what goes on top of a house?"
The dog says, "Rrrrrooof!"
"Right again! Alright boy, final question. Who was the best baseball player of all time?"
The dog says, "Rrrruth!"
The bartender grabs both of 'em by the scruff of their necks and throws them back out into the street. The dog looks at the guy and says, "What? Barry Bonds?"
FreckledManatee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
(people answer whatever)
It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Polish government just took delivery of 100 new septic tanks.
As soon as they figure out how to drive them they intend to invade Germany.
BloodTypeDietCoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock. (Who's there?) Not Sally.
Arkham_Z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about deaf people
Lugnut7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
-because his wife's dead.
BluPeguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean
CKomer1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhy do you never know when a pterodactyl is going to the bathroom?โ
โBecause the P is silent!โ
gyradosusedhypermeme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, do you like ice cubes in your drink? Yeah? You know who else liked ice cubes in their drink? Hitler.
wafflecone927 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a quick joke? Wanna hear another?
Bean_of_the_earth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn.
Pickleweasle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Most situations in which I want to leave,I say "I have to return some video tapes ". I hope they don't get it (secretly do)..I find this funny
cainoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how many lawyer jokes are there?
3, the rest are true.
pecca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A snail was driving down the road in his new sports car, emblazoned with a giant "s". He speeds past a guy who exclaims "whoa! Look at that s-car go!"
ICanHasACat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The aristocrats!
722wdblazer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club.
vornskrs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
takes_joke_literally ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And why did the bird fall out of the tree?
because it was stapled to the monkey
fornesypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman boards a bus with her baby and the bus driver remarks immediately that her baby is the ugliest child he has ever seen. Visibly upset, she makes her way to an open seat and sits down. An attendant sees her crying and asks what's wrong. "The bus driver just told me my baby is hideous!" She exclaims. "That's awful," he says "I'll go speak with him." The attendant returns, apologizing profusely. "I spoke with the driver and he will be suspended, if not fired. As a gesture of good faith, I've brought you a banana for your monkey."
Arkham_Z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is one side of the bird's V formation always longer than the other?
There's more birds on that side.
newmug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Here's a long one, but its good.
A businessman was going on a long trip. He was worried that his wife might cheat, so he decided to buy her a vibrator for those lonely nights. Not knowing much about where to get one, he stumbled into a Chinese medicine shop to see what he might find in there. He saw this long, thick, black wooden penis, sitting in an ornate box with velvet lining and gold tassles. So he asked the old Chinese shopkeeper about it:
SK: "Hau, this is Voodoo Dick. You maast be veeellly careful with it. This is 1000 years old, veeellly old, veeellly powerful". Businessman: "How does it work?" SK: "Hau, you watch this" - he shouted - "Voodoo Dick, TABLE". Next thing, the VoodooDick shot up out of the box, shot directly across the room, and started humping the leg of the table. SK: "Voodoo Dick, CHAIR" - The VoodooDick turned 180 degrees in mid air, flew directly across the room to the chair, and started humping it lke a jack-hammer. The businessman was happy enough, so he bought it and gave it to his wife. Then he went away on his trip.
Soon enough, the wife became curious. She took it out of the box, and considered what to do with it. So she got naked and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy". The VoodooDick blasted out of her grip like a bullet, and started doing its thing. It was the most perfect sensation she had ever felt! She lay on the bed writhing in pleasure for hours.
But eventually, she had had enough. But to her horror, she realised she didnt know how to stop it! By now, it was getting vigourous and starting to hurt. She tried to grab it, but it was too fast, and too slippery from juices for her to hold it. It was hurting like hell now, chafing and burning as every second went by. She stood up hoping gravity would make it fall, but it stayed there pumpimg away at 100 miles per hour! Her poor ladyparts were now raw and the pain was unbearable! There was nothing else she could do, she would have to go to a hospital to get it removed by a doctor!
She could barely manage. Her body vibrated and shuddered as she stumbled to the car. Her hands were shaking on the steering wheel as she drove down the road, barely able to keep control of the vehicle. As she swayed to and fro with blood soaking the drivers seat, she saw blue lights approaching in the mirror. A cop pulled her over and said, "Ma'am, have you ben drinking?"
In too much agony to care about the humiliation, she told the cop everything. She told him about the husband going away and buying her this dildo, about the way it can fly through the air, the way it was hurting her and now she couldnt stop it. She begged the cop to let her continue to the hospital to stop the pain.
At the end of her story, the cop looked indignant. With his chest puffed out, and with all the conviction in the world, he said "Voodoo Dick MY ASS"
Absolutirishkid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
GenFigment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did the house say to the person. Get out cause im locked
grannybubbles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables?
Because he always stands over the corn and peas.
Ho Ho Ho
SteveMcQueen36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a tissue to dance? Put a little boogie in it! - Popsicle Stick
PoopTaquito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
-because 7 8 9 har har har
No. Because 7 is a registered six offender.
fake-flowers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
dizzytizzyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the speed limit of sex?
BM944 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the one legged waitress work? Ihop
And
What is the one legged waitressโs name? Eileen
EroSennin78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walked down a dark alley. One of them, was A Salted. (assaulted)
Vanguard470 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were three cats in a race to swim across a lake. The first cat, an american one named one two three. The second cat was a spaniard named uno dos tres. The third cat was a french named un deux trois.
One two three finished first and uno dos tres finished second but the un deux trois quatre cinq.
YcAlahdore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys lost in the amazon forest are captured by a tribe there and are about to be sacrificed. They're asked by the tribe's chief to bring a fruit each in order to avoid death. First one comes back with an orange. The deal is they shove the fruit in his ass and if he reacts they kill him. Orange has trouble going through, he cries and dies. Second one brings back grapes. After a minute he bursts out laughing and dies. While waiting their turn in heaven first one asks the second one: Wtf dude! You had grapes!!! He replies: oh wait, last guy brought a watermelon.
Metaphysics12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Penis + potato = dictator
ICanHasACat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This post would need an NSFW tag for mine.
Bumblemeister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his little shoesies?
With little Nazis!
(Works best when said in your most gentle German accent.)
The_Other_White_Guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck.
The bar keep looks up and says "Ok but don't start anything"
Sad-Crow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's grey and comes in quarts?
An elephant.
robrobk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: why did the chicken cross the road?
A: to get to the witches house
.
Knock knock
(whos there)
The Chicken.
gdshred95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIโm a sommelierโ
Me: โOh youโre from Somalia?โ
sir_obituary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef! ๐๐คฃ
cghy27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an empty can of cheese wiz?
Cheese was.
ajx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My 10 month old son has a plastic toy phone. Whenever he drops it I say, โdonโt worry, we paid for AppleCare.โ
arrr03 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?
So it doesn't bust when you fuck it.
Brock_Samsonite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a rabbit and a bear that drank from the same lake in the forest and disturbed a magical lamp. The lamp had a genie and mentioned that since they both touched the lamp, they both get 3 wishes.
Bear:โI wish that I was the sexiest and most powerful male bear in the world!โ Bear looked pleased with himself. Rabbit:โI wish for a motorcycle.โ What the fuck? Bear was confused. What the fuck was a motorcycle?
Bear:โI wish all the female bears wanted me, and only me, to mate with.โ Bear had it figured out. Rabbit:โI wish I had a helmet. Safety first!โ That reminded bear, safety! Other bears could kill him and take away his mating powers. That wouldnโt do. Bear:โI wish that I was the only male bear in the world!โ Bear leaned back. Pleased with how he used his wishes. Rabbit got on his bike, put on his helmet, and rode off screaming โI wish Bear was gay!โ
wilburthebud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are turds tapered? To keep your asshole from slamming shut.
AUMonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not an answer but, the real jokes really are in the comments now.
crateronmars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow without any legs? Ground beef
TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.
GoForTheFries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What
edmered ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
JakeofNewYork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me
sunburn95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: The next dozen r/jokes posts
chicago17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did cinderella say when she got to the ball?
(makes gag noise)
Oreo63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's long, brown and sticky?
A stick.
zhivagoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
''I should have known the jedi were plotting to take over''
ayyfeelsbadmanman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man. That Hitler guy was a real jerk. (Credit to Norm MacDonald)
This joke always gets a reaction. Some people die laughing, some people are so disrupted they can't help but question it, and some people just agree sympathetically which in turn makes me laugh
abominable_bro-man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My job
johnklos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Kahliden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
insert retarded velociraptor noises
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.
(After the laugh, chuckle, groan, eye roll, etc)
I mean hey, it was in his jeans.
mycatsnameistilly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Pile-up. Pile-up who?
WebDevLikeNoOther ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just wanna point out that it took you like 4 ask Reddit posts in a row to finally make one that took off. Bravo.
brads005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try, Carlos Mencia
dusmeyedin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky and hangs in trees?
A stick.
RadiantEmu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of dinosaur is a prostitute? A tyranno-whore-s rex.
imnewsohavemercy38 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever heard of the movie about constipation? It didn't come out yet.
harrisonisdead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Julius Caesar respond to his friend who couldn't remember the name of the sequel to a Stephen King novel?
"It 2, Brute."
Except I don't always butcher the delivery. I can always remember the punchline and try to work out the actual joke. But if I get it right, it's received with the best kind of groans.
Music4239 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The man addicted to brake fluid says he can stop whenever he wants
xueye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cleveland.
ohh_hai_there ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go-to Spanish joke: "Por que fue el tamal al hospital?" PORQUE TAMALITO
My go-to English joke: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?"
energeticpterodactyl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
NoahDaWooper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
shotgun1jesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do electric guitars and women have in common?
Finger them incorrectly and you get unwanted feedback.
cheffy3369 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What material is Mario's overalls made of?
DenimDenimDenim
justmyrealname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Barbie break up with Ken?
He came in a different box
Impregneerspuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Turns out I'm allergic to cat's, so I stopped eating those.
(I'm often asked about allergies on dates for some reason)
Mr_Evil_Guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a little boy on the sidewalk. The priest say "Let's screw the little boy!" The rabbi says "Out of how much?"
MzIdaHo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Amish prostitute do? Ten Mennonite.
G95017 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Mexican magician was preforming his final act. He said "uno dos" and disappeared without a trace (trรฉs)
scribbling_des ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
bah-nah-nah-nah
_momentumisyourvenom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
DON'T READ AHEAD
Two men (strangers) standing in line (we'll call them Chad and Dan) at a grocery store cash register and notice that they each have a black eye. Dan says to Chad "I noticed you also have a black eye. Do you mind if I ask how you got it?" "Sure!", the Chad responds with a grin. "I was at the airport last week and I missed my flight so I had to buy another ticket at the airport for the next flight out. I get to the front of the line and notice that the lady behind the counter is... well endowed but I make a point to keep eye contact as to not become distracted. I start to speak and...... what I meant to say was 'Can I get a ticket to Pittsburgh' but what I actually said was 'Can I get a picket to Tittsburgh' and the lady punched me in the eye." The two men share a laugh over the story and continue waiting in line. Another minute passes and Chad asks Dan how he got his black eye. "It's a pretty similar story actually", Dan explains. "My wife and I were sitting down to breakfast yesterday and as she finished pouring her cereal what I meant to say was, 'Would you pass me the Wheaties sweetie' but
what I actually said was, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch'.
GrundleKnots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I never say this around strangers because of knowing that some people go through the horror of having something like this happen to them but here I go saying it on Reddit.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
PhonyBrony2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a duck walks into a bar and orders a beer
Duck: Can I get a beer please?
Bartender: Thatโll be $3
Duck: Ok just put it on my bill
wxrhxl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
WhatYaTalkingAbeet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have I told you about my cat, Minton? She ate my shuttlecock and I said, "Bad-Minton!"
chillen_lizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone talks about anything requiring a lot of effort โWow that sounds intense...just like campingโ
DrPaprika0192 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not mine, but my friend always introduces himself to a group of people with what has become infamously known in our friend group as "The Whale Joke."
A blue whale walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The blue whale responds,
he then proceeds to make whale noises for far longer than is necessary. As long as people will keep laughing, he'll keep belting his beautiful beluga song at the top of his lungs. I've seen him go on for literally 5 minutes or longer.
i_just_wanna_learn_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why wouldn't you want to be a can-crusher for a living?
It's soda-pressing (so depressing).
Twisted_Schwartz_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A sadist and a masochist are in a room together.
The masochist is tied up, and hanging from a hook in the ceiling, unable to move.
The sadist has a whip.
The masochist asks: "Are you going to whip me with your whip?"
The sadist responds: "No."
fronce14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's head as it hits a windshield?
Its butt.
ijustwantanfingname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
rush42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar......
<insert dialogue here>
โIโm a frayed knotโ.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy goes to the proctologist. He walks into the office and says-โhey doc, where should I put my pants?โ
Dr says โNext to mineโ.
Left_Clavicle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: โI have a great knock knock joke you start.โ
Them: โ... knock knock?โ
Me: โWhoโs there?โ
Them: โohโ
quartzite_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do they only eat single egg omlettes in France?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Bloodragon618 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the autistic kid doing on the floor? Their best.
stuempges ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
Cptn_Kirt18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Man I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks... You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
quesubir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, you'll never guess what I heard!" "What?" "Sheep"
nellAbackwardS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is from the Sopranos:
There's a rich guy and poor guy discussing what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich guy says he got his wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. The poor guy asks why he got her both so the rich guy says "well if she doesn't like the ring she can return it in the Mercedes and still be happy." He then asks the poor guy who replies "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich guys then says "Why'd you get her the slippers AND a dildo?" The poor guy replies "well if she doesn't like the slippers then she can go fuck herself."
NotExplosive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the hat say to the hat stand? "You stay here, I'll go on a head"
snurfy75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would you call it if everyone in the country drove a pink Cadillac?
A pink carnation.
shmar_broadway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked beans
andhowsherbush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean. I wouldn't pay $100 for garbanzo on my face. that's my uncles go to.
ablege ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The escargot joke:
There once was a Snail who lived in a garden. He was a sad Snail because all of his friends could go fast. The butterfly could fly fast. The ants could run fast. The spider could climb fast. Even the caterpillar was fast compared to Snail. Then one day, Snail decided that if he had a car he could go fast. So he slowly made his way to the car dealership and bought the fastest car they had. Snail was happy because he had a fast car but was soon sad again when he got inside. "This car is so big and I am so small. How will anyone know that it's Snail going so fast down the road?" He thought long and hard before exclaiming, "I know! I'll paint a big S on the side of the car so everyone knows this is Snail's car!" And so he painted a big S. He took his car and zoomed up and down the street. His friends looked on in amazement and shouted "Look at that S car go!"
Indigoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spoken:
What's the most important part of a joke?Timing.
With absolutely no pause between Joke and Timing.
knightsvonshame ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All of my jokes always fail. Check-mate
Vehlenn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not mine, my fatherโs favourite when I was growing up...
What side of the chicken has the most feathers?
The Outside!
COL_Brightside ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile
RitsuFromDC- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
anything self-deprecating, generally
Flozibe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there I eat mop I eat mop who?
viperised ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
Chewerson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the younger set. โ Why is six afraid of seven?โ โBecause seven eight nine.โ Not great but kids always like it.
h4xnoodle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have this great UDP joke, but you may not get it.
Only works on some crowds.
Tyler_durden1974 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus walks into a restaurant... And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please" Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you." Jesus replies "Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side"
WhoresAndWhiskey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that new pirate movie coming out? Better not let your kids watch. Itโs rated arrrrrrrgh!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
So you can read her lips.
HeyEatMyShit420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ground beef
CascadingStyle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant
kharmalapple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Oh God! I hope itโs mine!!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, โFuck off, you wont bring it back!โ
modestothemouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does your butt crack go up and down?
Because if it was sideways when you went down a slide it would go pppbbbbbttt
OldRancidSoup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between jelly and jam?
MourtyMourtMourt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Tell me
raindoggie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lady walks into a sex toy store and slams her fist down on the counter and yells, "I want a dildo!" The man is taken aback and says, "Well, ma'am. They're on the wall over there." She goes over to the wall and starts looking at all the different shapes, colors and sizes. She goes back to the counter and yells, "I'll take that red one!" The man looks at the woman and says, "No ma'am. They're on the wall NEXT to the fire extinguisher."
Abeldorf_Linkler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, because jokes based gender, race or hair type are inappropriate and sexist.
DaJacer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would Abraham Lincoln be doing if he was alive today?
Screaming and scratching at the top of his coffin
Campusliquor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hereโs one for your boss:
Whatโs the difference between tomorrow and your wife?
Iโm not coming in tomorrow.
birotg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician?
At his last show, for his grand finale, he told the audience he would disappear without a trace.
He said, โuno... dos...โ
Smoke appeared, and the magician was gone, disappearing without a tres.
sunshine_grrl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey... Did you hear about that fire at the circus?!! ... It was in tents."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard of Murphy's law?
It means anything wrong that can happen will happen.
Have you ever heard of Cole's Law?
It's just basically lettuce and mayo.
pimpmastercd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two people go to a zoo.
The only thing there is a dog.
Itโs a shih tzu
Dead_af_Orgy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a hormone?
You donโt pay her...
redjules32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
OH SHEET!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me lol
squirerust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I found out yesterday that I'm colorblind.
The news came out of the purple.
samgough ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty mode of transportation and a lobster with big boobs?
Oneโs a crusty bus station, the otherโs a busty crustacean
Beaneroo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not falling for it , Carlos Mencia
Xhanther ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once a monkey sitting on one of the branches of an apple tree saw a donkey climb up the tree.
Monkey: "Hey you arse, what are you doing climbing up this tree?"
Donkey: "I came here to eat some oranges."
M: "But this is an apple tree, you stupid fuck"
D: "I know that. I brought oranges with me."
edstatue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The plan was simple, like my Uncle Phil.
But unlike Phil, it just might work.
w3rkman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how is broccoli like anal sex?
if you have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.
Stogiesandsuds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if I'm a tree.
rutroraggy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans to change a lightbulb? NINE!
boogieindabutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the princess say when she got to the King's Ball?
Ghahshhghghghghgh
dhpdx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you throw a grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
TreasureToMeetYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All of these jokes are dry as hell.
philosopher0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 men walked into a bar... the third one ducked.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Stop trying to steal other peopleโs jokes
runawayhound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two drunks are walking down a street and one sees a dog licking it's balls. One drunk points to the dog and says to the other drunk, "I'd like to be able to do that." The other guy laughs, shakes his head and says, "Maaannnn, he would bite youuuu!."
ToTheRescues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I was going down on my grandma last night, and I noticed a distinct taste of horse semen.
I thought to myself, maybe this is how she died?
SecretLunarChild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered sex offender.
luis_b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes walk into a bar
Youโd think one of them would have noticed it
pipiopi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
after saying something dumb
"Math is hard..."
Motolaser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best one yet
BeltLady ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked into his office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?
I can clearly see your nuts.
VenomJBS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
CaLiKiNG805 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just being over the top rude
Haboo65 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that horses kill more people than sharks
I ain't never seen a horse kill a shark before
Dickpocalypes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A telephone company is in hell so that you can call your relatives if you get lonely but you still have to pay. Which race had the lowest price?
Black people because they were calling local.
bleach_shots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a go-to joke but it always fails. Found somewhere on Reddit
Major: Private, I didn't see you in camouflage practice today
Private: Thank you sir
iamaleafonthewind13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You're in a relationship with 3 women. None know about the others and you are having a tough time deciding who to commit to.
You are going away on a business trip. You will be gone for 3 months, with no way to call/write to your lady friends.
You give each woman 10 grand, telling them to spend it however they like.
You come back 3 months later to find that the first woman squandered the money. The second spent some of the money on herself, but most of it on things for you. The third woman invested the money, doubled it, and when you came home she gave you your money back.
Which one do you commit to?
The one with the big tits.
Always gets a laugh.
Crimson_X ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
Weโre both lawyers.
BrotherWestley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a joke about an airplane?
Eh. Nevermind it would probably go over your head.
Notamayata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a cabbage with a razor blade?
Coleslaw.
snurfy75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirate (with a steering wheel stuffed down his pants) walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says, "AARRRRR, it's driving me nuts."
bambam227 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the blind skunk that tried to rape a fart?
Ganjaleaves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy that got cut in half
He's all right now
Reptardar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's so bad about being a black Jew?
You have to sit at the back of the oven.
EnemyFriendEnemy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know why I hate tennis? It's too noisy
Dannyxsmith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sink the unsinkable?
With an itheburg
ACSandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
Booooooo. Love it.
bumuser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says "Hey, you have a steering wheel on your crotch" and the pirate replies "Arr! And it's driving me nuts!"
Holydevlin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs a knock knock joke where they start it. โIโve got a great knock knock joke but you have to start itโ
Knock knock
Whoโs there?
Then you wait for them to do nothing as they figure it out
KDBA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We are both lawyers"
Phishy042 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Acadia02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last greatest it was the wall.
abruptplague ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa had a lot of weird jobs. He was a rancher, cut mountain roads on an excavator, etc. He always said that the weirdest job though was during the summer the circus came to town.
He ended up becoming the elephant circumsizer because he was a butcher earlier.
According to him, the pay was peanuts but the tips were huge.
CGoode87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I noticed three large women in a bar that sounded like they had Scottish accents. I went up to them and asked "excuse me are you ladies from Scotland? " One of the women screeched "Wales, its Wales you bloody idiot!" So i said "oh excuse me are you three whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing i remember before the lights went out.
Tyler_durden1974 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I ate 3 whole can of alphabet soup yesterday..my next shit could spell disaster!
SaturdayNightLive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"So I got into a fight the other day."
"Really?!"
"Yeah. I had lost my watch. While looking for it I saw a guy, standing on my watch, trying to steal a purse from a lady."
"So I walked over, punched him in the face and said."
"I'm not gonna let you get away with this. Not on my watch!"
This is best told as if you actually hit someone. Which will generally shock your co-workers.
And yes, I totally stole this off the r/tinder subreddit.
big_pecs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i unsubscribed from /r/jokes to avoid this lame nonsense
TheWayfaringDreamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did the Jews come to America?
Yiddle by yiddle
Unownnumber8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can't go I have [event I'm saying I can't go to here] to go to that day.
Notorious_Niko_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch an elephant?
You dig a big hole, fill it with ashes, and line it with peas. So when the elephant comes to take a pee, you kick it in the ash hole.
Meninjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between an elephant and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone comes into the conversation I say "then my dad shot her, it was weird." As if they're just coming in on the conclusion of a horrible story.
tnarg42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is skydiving for the first time. He pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. He briefly panics, but then tries the reserve chute. Again, nothing. Suddenly, he sees a lady below him, flying upward toward him. He yells out to her, "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" As she flies by, she yells back, "NO. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS OVENS?"
thirstyhersh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the dyslexic whore who worked out of a warehouse?
keeboz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between male M&Ms and female M&Ms?
The male M&Ms have nuts.
mbones2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to WANT to change.
knuckleblast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good ol Dave
flubba86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are eating grass in a field. The first cow looks to the other and says "Nice day, isn't it?", The second cow startles and exclaims "Fuck'n hell! A talking cow?!"
h4rlotsghost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
NeilDegrasse42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a snake walks into a bar. The bartender says:
"...how did you do that?"
IronManHole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I said Ruh Roh Raggy more than I should
roland333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Hung.
Kaeldlr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between pizza and a black man?
Pizza can feed a family of four
BorrowedStardust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and rhymes with snoop? ...Dr. Dre
kainprime82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A flying saucer lands in a field near an old gas station. Two aliens come out. One big mean looking one, and a smaller kind of nervous looking one. They spot the gas station and head on over. They walk up to a gas pump and the big one growls at it "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, says nothing.
The big alien frowns angrily and shouts at the gas pump again "I said, TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, EARTHLING!". The gas pump maintains its silent vigil. The little alien, wringing his hands and shifting nervously from one foot to the other says "hey, m-maybe we should just forget about this and go home?"
The big alien scowls and says "No, we have a mission, and nothing is going to stop us". He then pulls out a ray gun and points it at the gas pump. "Last chance. Take me to your leader, or I'm going to blast you. You have until the count of three."
As the big alien starts counting, the little one starts begging him to let it go and trying to drag him away. The gas pump remains unmoved and does not respond. The big alien gets to 3, fires, and the whole place goes up in a massive explosion.
A little while later, the big alien wakes up. They had been thrown clear back across the road, into the field. The little alien, covered in burns and black smudges, is sitting next to him, staring angrily at him. The big alien shakes his head clear and groggily asks the little one "Man... how did you figure that these earthlings were such hard-asses?"
The little one throws his hands up as he shouts back "DUDE! Anyone that can wrap their dick around their body 3 times then hang it on their ear has got to be one mean son-of-a-bitch!"
neeevans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โAsk me if iโm a tree.โ
โAre you a tree?โ
โNoโ
Khaluaguru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two atoms are walking down the street.
One turns to the other and says โI think I lost an electron!โ
โAre you sure?โ
โIโm positive!โ
Chocolate-spread ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You've heard of Murphy's law right, but have you ever heard of Cole's law?
It's basically cabbage drenched is mayonnaise and salad dressing
darkpaladin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have an EpiPen, my friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a priest and his friend have gone golfing. The friend of the priest misses by 3 feet and says โI missed the bugger!โ The priest says โ do not speak such foul language or god will strike you sown.โ The friend apologises. This time the friend misses by 2 feet and says โ I missed the bugger!โ The priest says โ Iโm warning you you ,you will be struck down.โ The friend says sorry again. The friend misses by 1 foot this time. โI missed the bugger!โ Suddenly the heavens open up, and lightning strikes the bishop. God says โ I missed the bugger!โ
sl1878 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table. And a chair.
ninnikuramen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?
A dictator
cgaston ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man.
Mitchs_Frog_Smacky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were in an oven and one turned to the other and said "sure is getting hot in here..." the other screamed "aaahhhhh! A talking muffin!!!!"
dmizenopants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
Little boys pants half off
nitasu987 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a few:
Two fish are in a tank.
One says, "How do you drive this thing?"
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What's a Kangaroo's favorite music?
Hip-hop!
Jim_Gaffigans_bacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: dad. Lots of dad.
jennamav ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs green, has 6 legs, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
leobejo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club
mermands ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
Cylinderer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone points at me or looks at me, I make a point to turn around as if they were looking or pointing at something behind me and act like they meant to.
Lefty156 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone comments on my beer belly, โmy dad always told me, if you have an important tool, you put a roof over it.โ
thecashcow- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Jamaican spider-man?
Spider-mon
eDgEIN708 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a good ISIS joke?
The execution.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Jackie Chan's favourite drink?
WA-TAHHHHHHHH
ragnarok62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do many Polish names end in ski?
Because they canโt spell toboggan.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Ramanag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend bought me an elephant for my room. I said "Thanks." He said, "Don't mention it."
Ramanag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My other elephant joke:
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get it from a duck.
quantumphilisp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just to show myself up to make people laugh at me
TheLunaLunatic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other: "Can you drive this thing?".
fingripit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Teddy Bear say when it was offered dessert?
No,thanks.I'm stuffed.
squarefightdude3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is in the desert and is parched. He stumbles upon a bar. He doesnโt have sufficient money for a drink so he asks the bartender what he can do for drinks.
The bartender says, โYa see that horse over there? If you can make him laugh, Iโll give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
Sure enough the man goes over there and says something to the horse. The horse begins laughing hysterically and the man gets drinks for the rest of the night.
A few weeks later the man comes back to the same bar in the same predicament.
This time the bartender tells him, โIf you can make that horse cry, Iโll give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
Once again the man walks over there and says something to the horse. The horse breaks down into tears and canโt stop bawling.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks the bartender comes over and asks, โIf you donโt mind me asking, how did you do it?โ
The responds, โTo make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him.โ
TheGoodDrUmbongo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse than seeing your granny wrestle?
Seeing her box!
dylanwmorgan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when two giraffes run into each other? A giraffic jam
xtoplasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away and can satisfy me." A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
MooseNukem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking once with a native tracker and he stopped and put his ear to the ground. He said "buffalo come". "Thats amazing, how did can you tell" i responded. " ground sticky"
kebin1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still remember my grandfather's final words before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
READY_TO_POST_NOW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar tender sneers at him and says, "We don't serve pieces of string here!"
So, the piece of string walks outside, unravels and dishevells his ends and ties him self into a knot. He walks back into the bar and attempts to order another drink. The bartender looks him over and says, "Aren't you the same piece of string that was just in here?" To which he replies,
"Sorry, I'm a frayed knot."
Nezell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Paddy and Murphy are throwing rocks at the floor. Paddy misses.
_zoomp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
5 - 6 - 7 - 8
Janiewise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Zero (0) say to Eight (8).
Nice belt.
how_come_it_was ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Christopher Walken say when he is surprised?
shitty Walken voice WHOA
doesn't get a laugh until you follow it with:
How does Christopher Walken stop a horse?
shitty Walken voice WHOA
ybtlamlliw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you guys hear about the magic tractor that turned into a field?
22switch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A minature pony walks into the doctors office with a sore throat
The doctor says: "wow sir you look terrible... are you feeling all Right?"
And the pony says: "yeah doc I'm fine, just a little horse"
ai-sac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Showing people my bank account
a_layton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
AquaGB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Damn!
TheRedKing456 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
DurkaDurkaLurker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hooker and an onion?
No one ever cries when they cut up a hooker.
hhaessleraquino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
hhaessleraquino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The taste.
DreadPirateLink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby harp seal walked into a club
CactusLmao ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a mom and her 9 year old daughter are driving down the highway when a dildo hits their window and bounces off
9y/o : mommy what was that?
Her mother obviously not wanting to let her little girl to know about sex says
Mom: oh it was just a bug honey
9y/o: oh okay
A few seconds later the daughter says
9y/o: Well it sure had a big dick!
JewpacShofar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged
Jennoid11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Pavlovโs hair so soft?
Classic conditioning
Deadsens3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When i went to school i thought special ed was a guy.
SpaceGamer03 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the movie Constipated? Itโs not out yet.
FredmyLeg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to a zoo.But the only animal there is a dog.
It's a Shih Tzu.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are being used as soon as I interact with another human again.
tunasubackwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are weed and the Qur'an similar?
If you burn them, you get stoned
VenomJBS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman orders broccoli with her meal, but the waiter informs her that they are out of broccoli. Upset, she asks for the manager to get her broccoli. The manager also informs her that there is in fact no broccoli. Furious, she demands to speak with the owner. After hearing the story of this woman from the waiter and manager, he goes to the woman and asks how he can be of help. She demands to have broccoli. Fed up, the owner asks, โCan you say duct as in ductwork?โ Confused, she responds accordingly. The owner follows up with, โCan you say pump as in pumpernickel?โ The woman follows through, frustration returning. One final question from the owner, โCan you say fuck, as in broccoli?โ Taken aback, she says โThere is no fuck in broccoli.โ The owner throws up his hands and exclaims โEXACTLY!โ
kat_coll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Back in dubya-dubya two, I was a seaman. Now I just put it all over my wife's face. She don't find that too funny at this age...
Flyingcat9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a Norwegian bring a car door into a desert?
To roll down the window when it gets hot.
DaEpicPotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark humor is like a child with terminal cancer: it never gets old
(Sorry for the cruelty, but my friends found it funny so I figured it was worth posting)
heavym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any Canadians here?
Did I ever tell you that I won an RV in Roll Up the Rim?
I rolled it up and it said โwin a bagelโ
SmokeyBlazingwood16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The one about the hooker with dysentery.
natman2939 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's situational but in a crowd of people I say "I would like to thank all of my friend for coming"
sandraccoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife has been working out recently and asked me to purchase some woman's athletic attire, but I made a typo. Now im the proud owner of a buffalo wild wings.
scothc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
WHERE'S MY TRACTOR??
You really gotta go for it though. Hand gestures, raised voice, facial expressions, etc.
Also:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was stapeled to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure
PM_ME_THEM_UPTOPS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't it weird that pineapple is supposed to make semen taste better when semen makes pineapple taste terrible.
JimMarch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
THE WORLD'S GEEKIEST JOKE:
It violates causality.
Hey did you hear the one about the tachyon?
itsnotloaded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Omg did you hear about that thing in the news the other day? This woman was walking in the mall when all of the sudden her arms just spontaneously combusted! When the police arrived they arrested her.. for two.. unauthorized.. fire arms.
Cue groan.
Alternatively: Did you hear what happened in (nearby town)?! Some dude was chopping a tree and putting the wood in a wood chipper when his left arm got caught and pulled his body in. They were able to stop it and get him out before it got halfway. But don't worry, he's all right now.
Buh dump tsss.
luffydkenshin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
ThompsonThompson11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A captain and his crew are out to sea when on the horizon they see a pirate ship. Immediately the captain yells, "First mate! Bring me my red shirt."
The first mate, confused, brings the captain's red shirt and the captain puts it on. A battle ensues and they eventually sink the pirate ship. That night the captain and his crew drink and celebrate their victory in battle.
The next morning, the crew awakens to see three pirate ships on the horizon. Again, the captain's first response is to yell, "First mate! Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate does not question the order and brings the red shirt, which the captain immediately puts on.
Despite being outnumbered 3-1, the captain and his crew just barely win the epic battle at sea. Their ship is badly damaged and they suffer many casualties, but that night again they celebrate their victory with drink and a feast.
During the celebration, the first mate, a little drunk, finally asks the captain, "Captain, what is with the red shirt? Is it your lucky charm? Is it magical? Why do you always wear it during a battle?"
"I need my men to be brave during battle," replies the captain. "If I get injured and the crew see it, they may lose courage and give up the fight. The red shirt hides any injury."
The first mate is struck by the genius of his captain and falls alseep that night with more admiration for him than ever. The next morning the crew awakes to see 10 pirate ships on the horizon.
The captain yells, "First mate! Bring me my brown pants!"
lizardblizzard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
YOU LOOK GOOD
Curti3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
About two summers ago I was taking a walk down a boardwalk with my dog. I stopped at a hot dog cart to get a dog and struck up a conversation with the nice man making the dogs. We started off talking about the hot dog business. First, I pitched him a slogan of mine: "Got Dogs?!" He didn't think it as brilliant as I, so in haste I made the mistake of asking how his business was going. Now I didn't mean to bark up the wrong tree but with dogs this good I thought this guy must've been swimming cash. However, he said that margins were tight ever since a Nathan's opened up down the boardwalk. He managed to keep up his spirits though and surprised me with a zesty one-liner "Have a safe lunch, use a condiment!" Kid you not- ketchup came out of my nose as we relished in laughter. But in all this merriment I dropped my half-eaten hot dog and my dog it snatched it right up and ate it bun, ketchup, sand, and all. I was still hungry and asked my new hot dog friend for another. But he said he couldn't afford to give away new hot dogs to everyone who dropped theirs- not with this Nathan's in town anyway.
It was in that moment I fully realized the dog-eat-dog world we live in.
LightSlayerPantyOn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do crabs recycle their coke cans? The crush station. Why did the crab quit his job at the crush station? Cause it was soda pressing.
afishyfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it too hard.
foggybass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do ypu call a pile of kittens higher than ypur head?
A meow-tain.
You gotta say meow all high pitched and cute.
CaptainJellyfish7867 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Cargo Cargo who? Car go beep beep
Gets me every time
Edit: What has two legs and is red all over? Half of a cat.
Edit 2: Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
Edit 3: Whats pink and fuzzy? Grass. I lied about the pink.
WANTED_SAVAGE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are 9/11 victims good readers? They can go through 90 stories in 6 seconds And no i feel no shame whatsoever...
TonyTheTigerWoods ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretending to drown
Fanguyman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Kostakai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what they about guys with big feet... big shoes
dedbeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sex life...
eDgEIN708 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to the doctor for a physical and he said, "eD, you really need to stop masturbating".
I said, "why?"
He said, "because I'm trying to give you a physical."
PhonyMonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is one way to stop both world hunger and overpopulation?
-Cannabalism
Jgullikson2009 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than there are boats in the sky...
jcbarker1992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What type of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert
WhiskeyWhiskey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kid dresses as a pirate and goes trick or treating. First house the lady says "You're so cute, what are you supposed to be?"
He says "I'm a pirate ma'am"
She replies, "Well where are your buccaneers?"
"They're under my buckin' hat!"
Beeclef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Whoโs there? Europe. Europe who? NO YOUโRE A POO!!
Cruzer16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a blind man walks into a bar, then a chair than a table...
Diqiurenminbi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs?
Jason's donner van
KimoTheKat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like shaggy dog jokes? My go to is also a time filler. You can use any animal you like, I'll use a goat.
So there's this goat. Goat only has three legs. I find myself asking the owner of the goat "Why does this goat only have three legs?" To which the owner regales us with the tails of wonder and amazment this goat had preformed, but not lost a leg. Such as...
"That goat? That goat saved my life. Yes sir/madam that goat surely did. That goat saved my life and the life of everyone else in town. Last year when the rains came and the valley was going to flood that goat came out for to door and would push on people until they left their houses, and not let them back in. He herded me and my family and the whole town up to high ground. That is a good goat. A great goat."
I ask again and again why the goat only has three legs and story after story about the goats heroics. Finally I stop and try asking
"How did that goat lose one leg?" The goats owner looks funny at me for a second before he finally says "That goat! That is a good goat! That is the best goat I've ever had. A goat that good - a goat as good as that - you just don't eat all at once
le-Bongo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bus driver
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In what state are cows most commonly found?
Solid.
linezNsmoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call three lepers in a hot tub?
Soup.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's big, red, and eats rocks?
A: A big red rock eater.
Q: What's big, blue, and eats rocks?
(audience will guess "big blue rock eater")
A: No, they only come in red.
welovemath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the new diet communion wafer? I's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus".
MrTechSavvy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ask someone if you can tell them a secret, then moan in their ear.
cascadecanyon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The fish joke from Dr. Demento.
gusefalito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to die peacefully... in my sleep... like my grandfather. Not terrified... like his passengers
ImUglyandDumb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone is talking about a random guy, I say "that's my dad!" They say "Really?" I say "Nah" we lol. It works well because I'm still relatively young.
FredXMertz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: what two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs.
enomusekki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a nosy pepper annoying?
Because it gets jalapeรฑo business.
attarddb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of B shells.
DerekPadula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Chess_Masterson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
... so I say "Boardwalk Burgers, more like bored burgers! Because the burgers aren't having any fun."
JustEatTheCrayons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Working for the government.
Just2MoreCups ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
Wave.
Dollie66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A doctor frequents his usual bar spot after his shift. He knows the bartender and the bartender knows him. The doctorโs regular drink of choice is a hazelnut daiquiri, so the bartender always tries to have it ready when the doctor typically comes him following his regularly-scheduled shift.
One day, as the bartender is prepping and stocking the bar, he realizes he is out of the doctorโs treasured hazelnut daiquiri mix. He panics, knowing the doctor is coming in shortly. He scrambles to find something comparable and settles on mixing up a custom drink with hickory smoke flavor, hoping the doctor wonโt notice the change.
Doctor comes in at his regular time. Sits down. Takes a sip. Exclaims, โBartender, what the hell is this???!โ
Bartender nervously says, โItโs a hickory daiquiri, Doc!โ
foreignsoundingname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Halfway.
HowManyHaveComeThru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your cock up a hookers ass.
READY_TO_POST_NOW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There once was a man with a wooden eye that was a bit self conscious about his wooden eye, as such he had trouble mustering up the confidence to ask any girl out. His friend decided to help him out and told him about this girl he knew that had a really big nose. He figured she must be pretty self conscious about her big nose and they would be able to get past their fears together. The man with the wooden eye agrees and sets off to ask the big nosed woman out.
"Good evening ma'am, I was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime?" The wooden eye'd man said to the Big Nosed woman.
"Would I? Would I?", The big nose woman flattered and excited responded.
"BIG NOSE, BIG NOSE!!", The man wooden eyed man screamed back at her.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Long but worth it
Iron_Adam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a diver fall backwards into the water? Because if he went forward he would end up in the boat.
Solutionflap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me getting gold
hahauwantthesethings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best part about AIDs. It turns fruits into vegetables.
bot_svedka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
jpotts1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Doctor Dre (after everyone says โpoopโ)
ragequito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do, if you find an epileptic in a bathtub ? Add detergent and your dirty laundry
rocketrebel3024 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?
Pretty good.
deadsquirrel425 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life? i guess that did fail though
D15T ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do if you come across a Tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
tombsar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kid goes up to his preschool teacher, and asks to go to the loo.
"Okay, but I want you to recite the alphabet first", says the teacher.
The kid obliges: "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z".
Teacher: "Very good, but what happened to the P?"
Kid: "It's running down my trousers!"
iaskalotofquestionzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it too late for a joke?
You're pushing your car down the road because it's out of gas and stop at a hotel. You sit there for a minute and realize you've just become bankrupt. What happened?
You're playing monopoly
Professor_Abronsius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a chicken to someone with bad hearing?
(Yelling loudly) WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?
edit: it sounds better than it looks.
yagi-san ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo momma!
self_reflectionist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhatโs the difference between a guitar, string, and glue?
Youโll never guess it so Iโll tell you.
You can string a guitar, but you canโt guitar a string!!!
Them: โWhat about the glue?โ
Aww see, I knew youโd get stuck on the glue!
covabishop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deliberately misspelling, a la Mel Blanc
"This here's my Ferrari, you see this little thing right here? F-O-R-D that spells Ferrari"
justaguy8289 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SHORTEST JOKE EVER WRITTEN - Two Women Were Sitting Quietly...
rhverdant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a walrus and a Tupperware container have in common? Theyโre both looking for a tight seal
Eleven13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Duck walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and says "can i help you ". Duck says "Got any grapes ?" Bartender says no and the duck walks out. Bartender questions his sanity. Next day around the same time duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender . "Got any grapes ?" bartender say no while smiling at his other patrons.The duck walks out. This scene plays out daily until on Friday , a busy day, when the duck walks in and ask if he has any grapes the bartender loses it and replies, "No i don't have any grapes and if you come in here and ask for grapes again I'll nail your fucking feet to the floor. The duck walks out. Next day the duck walks into the bar and the bartender is ready and yells "what do you want ?" Duck asks " got any nails ?" The bartender yells "No" "good" the duck says . "Got any grapes ?"
DeadOwlEntertainment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Rhettarded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My father in law tells the worst jokes, but one that actually made me goggle was...
What do you call a chicken who is too scared to cross the road?
A chicken.
TonyAstor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to a psychiatrist for the first time in a Saran Wrap suit. When he walks in the doctor says โClearly, I can see your nuts.โ
dillydillyyyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad used to beat me with his camera...
.....I still get flashbacks.
cam2610 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A brother and sister are in the womb together, the sister kicks his foot and he says โhey thatโs mitosisโ
Doom_Shark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fish swims into a concrete wall
He says, "Dam."
bigbossman90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife never laughs at my jokes so this one I came up with today talking about a movie coming out soon:
Wife: I want to see "The Meg"
Me: The Meg? Like Megan? Like, shut up Meg?
zoestopper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What time did Sean Connery get to Wimbelton?
Tennish
crimbuscarol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a dentistโs favorite time? 2:30 (Tooth-Hurty). Everyone likes a good knock on dentists
OfficiallyRelevant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a joke per se... but if someone makes a comment about something during a conversation and it's funny, usually inserting it at some point in the conversation afterwards even when it doesn't fully relate to what's being discussed is a sure-fire way to make people laugh. But you have to do it right.
It's more of a formula than a joke.
ShuffleAlliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dark Humor niche beware.
Whatโs the best part about fucking 27 year olds? Thereโs 20 of them.
ConkerBrown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
TSpectacular ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs these two antennas, right?
They meet on a rooftop and fall desperately in love.
Decide theyโre going to get married.
The wedding was boring as hell.
But that reception was great.
mtnoooplz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown when one looks up and says, โDoes this taste funny to youโ?
Gray69Ghost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a queef and a hurricane?
emd715 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was too far out, man.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Whenever a flock of birds flies overhead) - "Do you know why one leg of the V is always longer than the other?"
"No, why?"
"Because there are more birds on that side."
Gets em every time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just juan, its not a hard job.
Shwifty001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
alexj14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Cinderella say when she got to ball?
make gagging sounds
ShuffleAlliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
Codydean93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you give a lemon an orgasm? Tickle it's citrus.
yma789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what moth balls smell like?
Yes.
How did you get their little legs open?
PeopleWatcher94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A duck wearing one shoe walked into a bar. The bartender said "hey duck, you lost a shoe." The duck said "no, I found one."
TheKingBarra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWant to hear a joke about a ghost?โ
โNo.โ
โThatโs the spirit!โ
LilyLupa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love a dry martini, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
(My 90yo mum's joke)
orangemeth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a good one about a broken boomerang, but it won't come back to me
fluffernutter5678 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why donโt giraffes play cards in the jungle? A: There are too many cheetahs!
chelsealrp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
popsicle_pete_banana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Pile up. Pile up who?
AmateurSpecialist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the last thing to go through a bugโs head as it hits a windshield? Itโs ass
Maxxover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Smoking causes cancer, but it cures ham.
veggie151 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there's two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "man it's hot in here."
The other muffin looks back at him and says, "what the fuck, a talking muffin?"
ToddTheOdd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So there I was, right?...
C4RT3RM1N4T0R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Confucius say: If you stick your dick in peanut butter, you're fuckin' nuts.
Confucius-Bot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self.
"Just a bot trying to brighten up someone's day with a laugh. | Message me if you have one you want to add."
MetalGearSora ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1) Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.
2) Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
popenemo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mute walks into a bar and says...(point at object and walk away)
murdill36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Arcopt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
Because he wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
SpaceAge1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but this one i cant help but laugh at.
"Little Johnnyโs teacher asked him how the weekend went. He told her, โHorribly, a car hit my dog in the ass.โ She corrected him replying, โrectum.โ Johnny said, โWrecked him? Damn near killed him!!โ
JamesMcGillEsq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Skelton walks into a bar...
He order a beer and a mop.
curves_to_the_left ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A father and his little boy were on an elevator. A woman got on board and pushed to button to her floor. Just then the little boy looked up at the woman and said "Hey lady can I smell your feet?" The woman puzzled and slightly annoyed replied "Ummm No." Then the boy shook his head in a knowing way and said "Must be your pussy".
I know it's a foul joke, but no one ever sees the punchline coming.
JuanLoji ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
xtinylovrrr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cowboy get a Daschund? (Wiener dog) A: he wanted to get a long little doggy. (This works especially well coming from me because i work as a dog trainer!)
B00DER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a bowling ball and a big, fat, hairy, nasty vag?
If you really had to, you could eat the bowling ball.
Riverbandit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your moms so fat she fell in love and broke it
kschulz_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about pizza?
Nvm itโs too cheesy.
How bout a construction joke?
Actually Iโm still working on it
gurdonbob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, โWhatโll it be, Sarah Jessica Parker?โ
mindlessASSHOLE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ
joeboful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Free cocaine.
WillemDeffo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a tattoo on my wrist of an anchor. Whenever someone asks what it means I say "oh it's because I always weigh people down". Never fails to make people laugh and/or very uncomfortable.
Bluebearje ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a joke but more of a true story that never fails to get laughs.
I was working in a nursing home as a CNA. At the time i had a resident who was very confused and somewhat combative and frequently tried to escape the facility. This one night i was keeping her company and trying to keep her safe as she was trying to escape the facility. She was in a wheelchair heading for the door so i turned the wheelchair away from the door and tried to steer her in a different direction. She put her feet to the floor and i couldn't move her without causing harm. What i didn't expect was for her to suddenly shove herself back into me. At the time i was standing in front of a HUGE potted plant. When she shoved herself back she sent me flying into the pot and i got stuck. All you could see was my arms,legs and head. My arms and legs were flailing wildly as i tried to get out and i was screaming for help. My coworker heard me and laughed her ass off for a minute or two before pulling me out.
AStudyinBlueBoxes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I go into a party and find a guy with a tie. I wait for the conversation to reach a natural conclusion and ask him, "so what does a boat do when it comes to a dock?" When he responds, I reach out and flip up his tie into his face, replying "it ties up."
FLAMINGxRAINBOW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.
isthisSnapchat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A fat, ugly, old lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder.
She announces, "I will fuck and suck anyone who can guess how much this parrot weights".
A drink guy stands up and yells, "500 pounds!" She says, "close enough".
SwiftKickRibTickler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A whale and his girlfriend were swimming in the bay when he spotted a boat that had tried to harpoon him once. "Let's swim under the boat and see if we can tip it over using our blowholes," to which his girlfriend reluctantly agreed. To their surprise, the boat tipped over and the frightened sailors started swimming to shore. "I can't believe it! Let's swallow them!" The girlfriend said, "Listen, I went along with the blowjob, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."
runk_dasshole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock ....... Europe ........ No, you're a poo!
goodcat1337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 2 sausages in a frying pan, one of them looks at the other and says โMan, it sure is hot in here.โ The other looks back and says โOh my God!! Itโs a talking sausage!!!!โ
419Scoundrel420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water? No? Well well well.
PanzerSoldaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My name jeff
Steampunkery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a psychic dwarf who recently escaped prison? A small medium at large.
willow-odessa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy was walking his dog through the woods when he comes across a bear in the path eating berries he stops as the bear looks and says "Grrrr............ I'm a bear!" He's startled but confused, "Why the big pause?" The bear replies "Because I'm a bear!"
(Bears typically have big paws)
MadnessPinstriping ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar, calls the bartender down, and proceeds to make a bet with him.
โI bet you 100 bucks I can piss in that shot glass behind your bar there and not get a drop anywhere elseโ
The bartender agrees knowing this would be impossible and it would be an easy $100.
The guy stands up, unzips, pisses all over the bar and bartender, then pulls a 100 out of his pocket all while laughing.
The bartender says with a smile on his face, โI donโt know why youโre laughing son, you just lost 100 bucks.โ
โBecause I made a $500 bet with a guy outside that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would be happy about it.โ The man replies.
First ever comment on a cake day after 6 years...
UnauthorizedGoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pinch your nose shut with your fingers turn to the nearest person and repeat the following several times:
Iced Ink.
kevingharvey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didn't make it.
grimpeur10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
bradshAWESOME ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last night I had the weirdest dream about a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
vinniedamac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.
edible_aids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one definitely depends on the audience: What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice!
Note: Domestic violence is wrong!
carter780 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between usian bolt and Hitler? Bolt can finish a race
shindagos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who invented the round table?
Circumference
jorellh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two penguins are in an elevator and one turns to the other and says, "Can you please pass the ketchup?" and the other penguin responds, "What do I look like a rock ?!"
Then proceed to laugh as if it is funny while the person you are telling it to is puzzled. It helps if there are other people around you've told it to before so they can join in on the fake laughter.
Velveeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy tells his buddy that he should be embarrassed because he drove past buddyโs house last night and the drapes were open and he could see buddy and his wife going at it. The buddy says โ the jokeโs on you; I wasnโt even home last nightโ.
Siebz100 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really like ceilings. I guess you could say I'm a... ceiling fan
Kanadianmaple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little late to the party:
A rich guy and a poor guy are talking one night. The rich guys telling the poor guy it was his wife's birthday recently, so he bought her a new Mercedes and a diamond ring. The poor guys asks him why he bought both. The rich guy says, well, if she doesn't like the Mercedes she at least has the ring. The poor guy says, "yeah, I did the same for my wife. I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo". "A dildo? why'd you get her that?" The poor guys tells him, well if she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go fuck herself.
sonastyinc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone spills or didn't finish their drinks.
"Don't waste your alcohol, there are sober kids in Africa."
ynotfker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Every year the day before thanksgiving: Did you hear thereโs a recall on butterball turkeys? (Look of panic hanging on every word) Yes, they forgot to butter the balls! ๐คฃ
Turboactive1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A plane crashes into the [insert name of state border river here]. What state is it in? The state of confusion.
crymes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man as he pissed into the wind, "it's all coming back to me now"
Sleepingtuba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you need to register to vote?
Because, if you didn't, horses could vote.
Oh yeah? What would even be a horses priority IN voting?
A stable economy.
KingPhilipIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a food traitor?
Eggs Benedict Arnold!
I alternatively enjoy this one: why were the dark ages so dark? There were a lot of knights!
brittanyxoxbenson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever smelt moth balls?...
How did you get those itty bitty legs open??!
slycooter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know when there's a flock of geese, and one side is always longer? Do you wanna know why that is?
It's because there's more geese on that side.
HotSexyPunkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
Push them both aside and keep on eating.
Young_Toast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "Why the long face?"
Horse responds "My wife has terminal cancer"
Oldfartjeff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Benny hills comment "I'm not drunk I can see fine, that cat commin in has only got one eye and it's got a sty. And I said you fool, that cat's not comin in, it's going out.
moxthunder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a talent agent............
SoggyPatato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a computer rolling in the ocean? Adele Rolling in the Deep
stuffulikeacreampuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green, and eats nuts? .... Syphillis
C4p0tts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I use this one at work or with oblivious people:
โYou hear about the kid napping in the parking lot the other day?โ
โThey broke the window and turned out the kid was okay.โ
Jcc7089 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sticky?
A stick
NotFunnyAlreadyTaken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the world's worst at remembering names.
The other night my family and I were visiting an older woman we've known for years and years, but I couldn't remember her name. We were at the door on our way out and I was saying, "Thank you for dinner, Mrs...Mrs...MOM! Thanks for dinner, Mom."
djmarkjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see!" said the blind man pissing in the wind, "It's all coming back to me now!"
ddunnegan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oven is set to 350. Baking in the oven is a full muffin pan full. One muffin turns to the other and says, โitโs getting really hot in hereโ. The other muffins turn in horror and scream โahhhhh!!! Itโs a talking muffin!โ
dactyif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck I love these threads.
Guppy-Warrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you spell Canada?
c "Eh" n "Eh" d "Eh"... Canada, Eh..
I'm not very funny....
Handdoc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two friends on the Train to work when one says to the other โ I had the worst Freudian slip this morning at breakfast โ The other friend says โwhat do you meanโ โ You know when you mean to say one thing but say another โ โ Yea, so what could be so badโ โ Well I meant to say to my wife can you please pass the butter, but instead I said, You fucking bitch you fucked up my whole life!โ
yannagin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con decending..
galikanokas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My family reunion?
GrimmjowSucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Banging a fat chick is alot like driving a moped. Itโs alot of fun until your friends find out
Backmaskw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anus.
Poon_Wookie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the snow man say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrots?
Yonaban ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know Abe Lincoln was a Jew?
Yea, he was shot in the temple.
AtariAlchemist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a strip-club and a circus?
One is full of cunning stunts.
B1scuts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what the white stuff in bird shit is?
Bird shit.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the best way to succeed?
After opening the packaging.
But don't let me plant any strange ideas in your head.
sideslick1024 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I recently purchased a thesaurus.
Upon my discovery that all of the pages were blank, I had no words to describe how angry I was.
TJM_58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a hockey player and an Amish girl have in common?
They take off their pads after three periods
vern_slice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What to Pink Floyd and dale earnhardt have in common ??
Their last hit was the wall.
sithian8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts? (They're response) That's the spirit!
ch1burashka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man is walking down the street, notices a woman is walking with one breast out of her blouse. He approaches and says, "Madam, it seems your breast is out." She looks down, and shouts, "Fuck, I left my baby on the bus!"
OttieandEddie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know how ducks fly In a V? Know why one side is longer?
More ducks
AntiPsychMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just start talking and people start laughing. Never fails.
grimace1277 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the duck cross the road? To get some quack.
Standinghorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt you play cards with big cats? Cause they cheetahs.
dmand8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Husband and wife are getting ready to go out. She is getting dressed and as they are getting dressed in front of the mirror she begins to cry. He asks, "What's wrong dear?" She wipes the tears away burys her head into his chest and sniffes, "Im old, fat, and ugly. Wah...wah...Tell me something to make me feel better!!" The husband replies, "Well your eyesight is damn near perfect."
2fishel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On their 50th anniversary Jane asks John, what did you think when you first saw me? John says, well I thought I want to fucj your brains out and suck your tits dry.... Jane saw aww that's so cute, what do you think now? He says, think I did a good job
DrSmackdownMD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man named Greg is talking to his friend Kyle.
Greg tells Kyle "I know everyone in the world!"
Kyle says "Do you know Tom Cruise?"
Greg says "Yea! He used to come to my pizza joint before he got famous"
Kyle asks him to prove it, so they fly out to Hollywood and ring on Tom Cruises door. He answers the door and exclaims "Greg! How are you! It's been a while!"
Kyle immediately thinks this is a fluke, and then asks Greg : "Do you know President Trump?"
Greg goes : "Yes sir! I used to caddie for him on his golf course!"
So they fly out to Washington D.C. and take a white house tour to prove it. On the tour, they meet President Trump and he exclaims : "Is that you, Greg? How are you! You're the best caddie I ever had! The best!"
Kyle is immediately at a loss for words and figures that there's no way that Greg can know The Pope. Greg says he used to be an altar boy for the pope before he was annointed, and they fly out to the Vatican.
Greg and Kyle are in the crowd of people, waiting for the Pope to appear from the balcony. Greg says to Kyle "We're in a large crowd, he wont see me here. Let me go inside and see when he's coming out." Kyle thinks he had him, and that he's ditching to cover his ass. Sure enough, a few moments later Greg walks out on the balcony with the Pope, and they're both seen waving to the crowd.
From the balcony, Greg notices a small pocket of people in the crowd have dispersed, and notices his friend lying on the ground unconscious; Greg then rushes to his friends aide.
On the ambulance ride to the hospital, Greg asks Kyle what happened, to which Kyle replied : "You'll never believe it. Once you walked out on the balcony, some guy turned to me and asked 'Who's that guy with Greg?' "
funny_retardation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man guess to confession.
Forgive me father for I have sinned; during the communism I let a fugitive hide in my house.
That's not a sin my son.
But father, we are talking about a young, beautiful woman that needed help and instead I took advantage of her. You see father, I had sex with this woman.
Well, son, on one hand you took advantage, on the other you saved her life. Say a hail Mary and go in peace.
Oh, father, one more thing; should I tell her that the communism is over?
theonewithBacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do they say about corn?
See you tomorrow.
misterhappy88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny got out of bed one night and went to the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom he passed his parents bedroom. Looking in, he saw the sheets going up and down. He asked "why are the sheets going up and down?" To which his dad replied "me and your mother are playing cards!" Johnny accepted the answer, went to the bathroom, and on the way back to bed looked into his sister's room, where he saw her sheets going up and down. Johnny asked "sister, why are your sheets going up and down?" She replied "my boyfriend and I are playing cards. Johnny accepted this answer and returned to bed. The next morning Johnny's father walked into his son's room to see Johnny's covers going up and down. "Johnny, why are your sheets going up and down" asked the father. Johnny said he was playing cards, to which his father asked "with who?" Johnny answered "you dont need a partner when you have a good hand"
micalbertl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"You just bought a six pack and want to make sure it gets finished. What do you do?" "Invite a baptist over." "Now you have a new six pack but you want to save this one what do you do?" "Invite two baptists over."
Timeandtemp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? My dick in your mouth.
jfbruin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me, Iโm going in.
qeaux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Better to have a dead duck on your piano than a diseased beaver on your organ
Sablemint ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Go fuck yourself."
Illfuckyourmom666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does the pepper do when it gets mad? Gets jalapeno face.
DiddilyDumDum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms
Mfkr90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'How bout that velcro huh...what a rip off that is
Tangowolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, did you hear about the scarecrow that got an award? He was outstanding in his field.
gervis6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of jacket do you wear to the washroom?
A peacoat!
Romahawk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fssshhhh.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mate: โIโm dating someone.โ Me: โThatโs cute. Whatโs his name?โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the rhetorical joke?
Cruz55360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs funnier than 24?
squanchy_91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 old women on a park bench a man in a trench coat approaches and flashes them. The first 2 women have a stroke the 3rd woman couldn't reach
flashofearth2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one deadhead say to the other one they ran out of Pot? "Wow this music sucks"
gookliotta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose
facu_biaggio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In what way is a lettuce the same as a baby?
They both crunch whem you fuck them
I jave a weird group of friends
Shadowprince3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table
rhgla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says " Hey, why the long face.
LordMaroons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Jesus have small ceramic cups in his house? For Christ's sakรฉ
velospark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a restaurant where morale is often low. Sometimes, while restocking coffee cups, I'll turn to the closest coworker and say, "Hey, if someone took my photo right now, would it be a mugshot?" It always gets a smile and at least a chuckle out of someone who was complaining a minute ago.
YoMommaSez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock a knock a - Whos a there a? - Me a - Me a Who-a?
Elcarima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated (de-calf-inated)
micknill4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do math and constipation have in common?
Sometimes you just have to sit and work it out with a pencil.
Assphasannonymous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Letโs get you out of that skin!
tripl3troubl3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a lightbulb...
CBrown3042 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar... Ouch
patrioticparadox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy in space?
An astronaut you racist!
Swift_NinjaMiner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
riderville15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? - ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs? - extra lean
HelloMagikarphowRyou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a women and KFC have in common?
Once your done with the breasts and thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
awrinkle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend whoโs a Polish sound technician... and a Czech one too.
WestBrink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A peanut was walking down the road
He was assaulted...
PEANUT!
Best read with a German accent.
lagerea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One snowman looks to another and says "You know, your right, it does smell like carrots out here".
confuseum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pirate have a steering wheel on his belt?
"Drives me nuts."
Blissful_Chaos6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar.. Bartender says "why the long face"
Rand4m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A businessman got rich and bought a fleet of boats. But he wasn't happy with how they looked: they were all colored white. So he hired an artist to paint them. "Paint them anything but white," he asked.
The artist brought along several gallons of red paint, and began to work on the boats -- but then he ran out of the paint. So he went back to his studio and rounded up all the extra paint he had, but there were several different colors. "Oh well," he thought, "these boats won't end up white: that's exactly what he's said that he wants."
Finally, the day came when the businessman showed up to view the freshly painted boats. He looked at them for a long time, then beckoned the artist over. "I see," he said gently, "that every hull's of a different color."
The artist thought quickly, and nodded in agreement. "Yes, that's true," he said, "but consider this: I have fulfilled your request. No stern's left untoned!
Yog905 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the scarecrow with his Ph.D?
He was out standing in his field
ickns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
wrowrowrowro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
...
FatAngryOrc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy goes up to his grandpa and says "Hey grandpa can you make the sound that a frog makes?" He says "Of course, but why do you want me to do that?" The boy says "Becsuse Mom said when you croak WE'RE ALL GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!"
enough_space ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best part of a swim-up bar?
No line at the bathroom.
MooDoor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies
vitium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got caught peeing in the pool yesterday. The life guard yelled at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
ragnarok62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock.
Whoโs there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
joshbadams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender and "what's with the steering wheel?"
Pirate says (with as pirate accent) "Arrr, it's to drive me nuts!!"
ulvenn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
well suck my toes and call me a ____ but i still wonโt ____
Kulladar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy who lives on a farm wakes up one morning and goes down to ask his mother for breakfast.
"You can't have any breakfast until you're done with your morning chores." says his mother.
So angry and hungry the boy stomps out into the farmyard and goes to feed the chickens, but one of the chicken pecks him while he's throwing out the grain so he kicks the chicken.
He goes to muck out the pig pens next but one of the pigs knocks him down so he kicks the pig.
Next he goes to milk the cow but when he was almost finished the cow kicks the bucket over so he kicks the cow.
Finally he goes back to the kitchen and tells his mother his chores are done and he would like breakfast now. "I was watching you" says the mother, "you can't have any eggs because you kicked the chickens, and no bacon because you kicked the pig, and you won't be getting any milk either because you kicked the cow."
As the boy fumes his father comes walking down the stairs and the cat gets in his way nearly tripping him. In his anger he yells "Damn cat!" and kicks the cat down the stairs.
The boy turns to his mother and says "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
TalenGTP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You really have to hand it to those blind hookers.
Explosion17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best thing about jokes from Ethiopian joke tellers? .....They never get old.
GranpappyTucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Without a penis.
straynj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Someone called you an owl. Takes a minute to sink in but when it does ooh man.
haysanatar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.
YoungEsquire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into the bar on the 50tb floor of a downtown high-rise, and notices the only other people there are the bartender and another gentleman sitting at the bar. The man approached the pair, and asks the other gentleman what heโs drinking that night. The gentleman says, โmagic beer.โ
The man doesnโt believe him, so, the gentleman walks over to a window, jumps, and flies in 2 circles around the building. The man is shocked and excited, and tells the bartender he would like to order some magic beer.
The man downs the whole mug, walks over to a window, jumps, and falls 50 stories to his death. The bartender looks at the gentlemen and says, โyouโre such a dick, Superman.โ
Fullgranulat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
happydayswasgreat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Dave joke.
Kevin_Uxbridge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man calls 911 and says "I just found my friend at his house, I think he's dead."
911 operator says "Well first thing, let's make sure he really is dead."
Guy says ok, puts down the phone. gunshot. "Okay. Now what?"
vitium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
Zero
howe_to_win ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail itโs other hand to the floor
thelowbrassgod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How long is a Chinaman.
But_what_if_I_fly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it better to be a hooker than a drug dealer? Answer: A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again!
SeverusMixTape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"why did you and your wife get a divorce?"
"Well, she found only having sex with me too difficult... Which I don't get, I've been doing it for years."
chosen9th ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A husband and wife are arguing before a big Thanksgiving dinner. The husband shouts "bitch!" the wife shouts back "bastard!". Their son overhears them and asks "what does bitch and bastard mean? " they answer "it means ladies and gentlemen" Later the mom is stuffing the turkey and in frustration yells "fuck" The son asks "what does fuck mean?" The mom answers it means "stuffing" The father can't find his condoms and yells to the wife if she's seen them Later while the dad is shaving he cuts himself and says "shit" The son promptly asks "what does shit mean?" The dad answers is means shaving Standing with mom the sons asks what condoms are, she answers it means jacket When the guests finally arrive the son answers the door "Hello bitches and bastards my dad is currently shitting in the bathroom and my mom is fucking the turkey, may I take your condoms?"
ruiner32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why tampons wonโt talk to you on the street?
Cause theyโre stuck up cunts.
privatepartypowell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell if your girlfriend is fat? Your wifes clothes fit her.
Metal___Barbie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
George W. Bush is being debriefed and is told that yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed. He says "Oh no! That's terrible!" and puts his head in his hands, distressed.
A moment later, he looks up and asks "How many is a Brazilian?"
Dingbat_Jim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where was the donkey when the light went out?
In the dark
Gets 'em everytime. Mostly. Kinda.
Revansbane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How are tornados and women alike?
The both scream when the come and take the house when they leave.
nochinesecrawfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Theres a joke that i came up with that only ever seems funny to me.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
and then you scream in a loud angry German accent: BECAUSE SIEBEN ACHT NEUN!!!
unholy_abomination ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you identify an oncologist at a funeral?
They're the one doing chest compressions.
Parsale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24hrs, so they just called it a day
praks458 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the almighty said to John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster!!!
TheSovietTurtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a magic owl?
Hoo-Dini
Fingerman2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the clerk at the counter, โHey! Get me some chapstick!โ
Clerk says, โOK, here you go, thatโll be $3.50.โ
Duck says, โHey! Just put it on my bill!โ
Itโs not funny if the duck is not inexplicably bossy or if the teller of the joke is not drunk and loud.
FoxyFoxy1987 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
American Education
Sincerely, an american
Xanturrya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the biggest similarity between a piece of burnt toast and a pregnant ex girlfriend?
You wish you pulled it out sooner, but either way you can scrape it and be fine.
Rearview_Mirror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the ladies love Jesus?
[Holds arms in crucifix pose]
Because he was hung like this.
setyte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
squadoodle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhat do you call a cow with no legs?โ โGround beef. โ
Usually people know that one, so next I ask them, โwhat you call a cow with two legs?โ โLean beefโ
CautiousPerception ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather used to tell this one:
So there's this up and coming American wrestler who makes it into the Olympics and because he is such a low seed, he gets matched up against the raining gold medalist from Russia who has never lost a match in his life. This Russian has his own move that he developed called The Twister and he's used it to pin every opponent he's come up against. So the whistle blows and the match starts and just like everyone expects, the Russian throws The Twister and it looks like it is all over for the American when all of a sudden in a burst the American jumps up off his back and lands on the Russian pinning him. No one can believe it and camera crews rush the mat to interview the young American. A reporter asks, "How did you do it? No one has ever escaped The Twister before!" The young American looks up and says, "Well I thought it was over when I looked up and saw a pair of testicles dangling in my face. So I bit them as hard as I could and let me tell you, I was shocked to find out they were my own."
Luism1184 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My tupac facts.
What is tupac's favorite shoes? The shoepac What's tupac's favorite museum? The louvrepac What's tupac's favorite martial art? Kung tupac What's tupac's favorite food? Shrimp fried rice What does tupac always need at the dinner table? The salt shakur Yes I'm corny. I am pretty sure I made up the joke.
INeededACoolerName ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An elephant and a hippopotamus are taking a bath. The elephant said to the hippo, "Please pass the soap." The hippo says, "No soap, radio!"
FriendKiller96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see OP is getting some /r/jokes material for tomorrow
Socrates-3000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nate the Snake
ducktapedaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was an aviation maintainer in the military.
How many fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and the whole world revolves around him.
SpikedAllUp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men are captured by a cannibalistic tribe. They are all brought before the tribeโs chief.
The chief looks them over and then commands them. โGo out into the jungle and gather twelve of the same kind of fruit. Return here once youโre done. And do not try to escape. The jungle is 50 miles away from the nearest city.โ
So the men all go out to collect their fruit. The first man comes back with apples. The chief then tells him, โNow, we are going to place all these apples in your rectum. If you show any kind of pain or emotion on your face, we will kill you and eat you. If you pass, we will let you go.โ
The man bends over and the chief begins to put an apple in his ass. The man immediately cries out in pain so the tribe kills him and eats him. The second man returns with blueberries. The chief gives him the same instructions and the man gets eleven berries in his ass before he suddenly bursts out laughing. The tribe then kills him and eats him.
The two dead men meet in the afterlife. โHeyโ says the first man. โYou were so close to being set free. Why did you start laughing?โ The second man says โI couldnโt help it. The third guy came back with pineapples.โ
Tusku_Mama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
GRASS - I lied about the wheels.
fernandothehorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
AskzXIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a big fan of self-deprecating jokes. It's a shame I'm not very good at them :/
sidewaysplanet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
hurtmykneegranger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a zoo. There's only one animal in the zoo, and it's a dog. It's a shih tzu.
NthngSrs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pony say after he coughed? "Sorry, I'm a little hoarse"
tharadiofonik1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Poop jokes arenโt my favorite, but theyโre a solid number two.
jillieboobean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall out of the tree?
Because she had no arms.
Knock Knock
(Who's there?)
Not Sally!
GuyfromMemphis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do mountain climbing and a blow job from a 70 year old have in common? Both are lots of fun if you donโt look down.
kidcuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy in space
An astronaut you racist
cameron008 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 4, 5 and 6?
Numbers stupid.
lissona ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
The balls are just for show.
2373mjcult ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the number one cause of pedophiia? All those sexy little bitches.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Yes, I'm funny. But looks aren't everything"
beserkk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a huge fan of puns but my local newspaper was having a contest to see who could write the best one. So I gave it a shot, sat down and wrote 10 puns and sent them into the newspaper. I waited about a week and I called the newspaper to see if any of my puns had won the contest.
But no pun in ten did.
PainMagnetGaming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna see something fucked up? holds up little mirror to who I'm talking to
samep04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary?
It's a play on words.
salamibender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually tell jokes when I try to pick up girls but one seems to get tears of laughter every time.
"will you go out with me?"
Simple but it works
Dovah-Ben ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus was with his disciples at the last supper, he said, "yo guys, this is my body and blood your consuming" the disciples say "no way" Jesus said "Wahweh"
Lutherized ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster-shucker?
An epileptic oyster-shucker shucks between fits.
thekid369547 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Write the word "Joke" on a piece of paper then say "my joke is terrible." as you tear the piece of paper.
Colomatition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
A tire
tsheaby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in a blizzard? .... You follow the fresh prince.
Eelmonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You have to say this one out loud.
Q: What the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
A: One shucks between fits; one fucks between shits.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs it called when you put your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram
potatoesarethedevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog.
Eatyourfiber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What room has no walls?
A mushroom!
autosdafe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"So I was choking this broad last night, and ya know what she had the nerve to say to me?"
"AHHGGGUHGUHHH!!!"
ronin1066 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him to take his clothes off. He carefully examines the man's genitals and tells him "You're going to have to stop masturbating". Patients asks why, the doc says "because I'm not done your exam yet."
erotigeist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I'd choose my cousin Denise, dead, because she's a fucking cunt' by Rob Delaney
erotigeist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:45 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This failed.
gui_random ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
FullplateHero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
Or
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?
Take the "f" out of safe and the "f" out of way.
("There's no f in way." -say it out loud if you don't get it.)
(Safeway is an American grocery chain.)
torkel-flatberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was peeing in the pool the other day.
The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in.
niggateetle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: A German Nazi goes up to a Jewโs door. Knock, knock.
Them: Whoโs there?
Me: (Slaps them in the face) *German accent โVee vill ask zee questions!โ
Got this from my drunk coworker at a work party. The kicker was he did it to our boss. I, completely sober, froze when he actually slapped our boss in the face. Good thing he had a good sense of humor or else I might have not seen him at work that next Monday.
jimmybero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
Anisomycin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldnโt the bicycle stand by itself? Because it was two tired.
sagewynn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally.
martinarcand1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
EffH8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he saw three holes in the ground? "Well. Well. Well."
GaryGoesFishing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My last name is Goodwin. So every time someone says, "that was a good one", I always reply, "yes, that was a Goodwin". I think it's hysterical and I don't care if nobody ever catches on.
garlic-ed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did George Washington say to his men before they got in the boat?
"Men, get in the boat."
Footbuttzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When is a joke a Dad joke? When it's (a parent).
Parenquima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sir, you must stop masturbating.
WHY, DOCTOR?
Because I'm measuring your pulse.
TuckandRoll91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I said 'Posse' You Stupid Horse!"
Bammer1386 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man sees two attractive women sitting at the bar, walks up and sits next to them. While thinking of his best pickup line, he hears a peculiar accent throughout their conversation. "They speak English, but they definitely aren't American," he thought.
Seeing his queue for an opening, he asks,
"So where you ladies from? England?"
One of the women rolls her eyes and lets out a snarky reply. "ITS WALES."
Flustered, the gentleman pauses and asks,
"So where are you Whales from, England?"
Chaski3739 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm Jewish, so Hitlerโs killer is my hero!
LyamaBaucha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in bathroom? The girl in church has a soul full of hope whereas the girl in bathroom has a hole full of soap.
18hvenhuizen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just say the real joke is always in the comments. Works every time.
JkaneH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work at an observatory, and give talks about the solar system. So whenever I get to Saturn my joke is Now it's the planet that is so beautiful the universe took Beyoncรจs advice and put a ring on it. Gets at least a giggle from my crowd
abys84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a blow job and anal?
One makes your day... the other makes your hole weak.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
meadow117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He walks up to the teller, a sheep named Barbra Paddywack. The frog tells the sheep he would like a loan and she begins to ask him a series of questions.
She asks, โAlright, well, whatโs your name?โ
The frog answers, โMy nameโs Kermit, of course.โ
โYouโre not Kermit the Frog, Iโve seen Kermit the frog!โ She exclaims.
โNo, no,โ Kermit assures, โnot Kermit the Frog. Iโm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger.โ
โOh.โ Barbra says, then asks him another question. โDo you at least have anything we can use as collateral in the event that you donโt pay your loan off in time?โ
Kermit pulls a tiny purple figurine out of his pocket. โJust this,โ he replies.
โBarbra takes the figurine and huffs. โIโm going to discuss this with my boss.โ And the Ms. Paddywack gets up and walks briskly to her bossโ office. When she gets there Barbra tells her boss about Kermit and his loan request.
โWell,โ her boss begins, โdoes he have any collateral?โ
โOnly this little figurine. I donโt even know what it is!โ Barbra huffs.
The boss takes the little purple figurine and looks it over, raises his eyebrows, and then nods his head firmly. He looks back at the sheep and says,
โThatโs a knickknack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old manโs a Rolling Stone.โ
nahtjona ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is kind of dark, but it cracks me up everytime
There's a mother with 3 children: Snowflake, Flower, and Brick. One day, Snowflake asks her mother Why is my name Snowflake? and mom replies Because when you were born, a little snowflake fell on your head. Then Flower asks, Then, why is my name Flower? and the mother replies Because when you were born, a little flower fell on top of your head. And then Brick asks usuhebbd dhruu dygdb ureoskn?
Never_Unknown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Why was 6 afraid of 7? Them: -_- cause 7 ate 9. Me: No, because 7 was a six-offender..... Them: ๐๐๐
SUPERCOOL_OVERDOSE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why is six afraid of seven? A: Because seven is a registered six offender.
likughaf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. He was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, and mating habits.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
BobSmith00007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
licker696996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NSFW:
A greek guy a black guy and a Jewish guy go to see a prostitute. She said "anything you want $50, but the request has to be 3 words."
The Greek guy tells her "in your ass" so she takes care of him for $50.
The black guy tells her "suck my dick" so she takes care of him for $50.
The Jewish guy tells her "paint my house".
Best part is this joke was told to me by a Jewish gentleman.
joeygravyhound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine used to work in "oops sorry that was a Freudian clit " when he could. It was terrific! Cause he wouldn't even bat an eyelash. If you got it you got it.
sgt_backpack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One says, "does this taste funny to you?" The other says, "no".
PugLife357 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
saucebald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"knock knock" "Who's there" "I eat mop" "I eat mop who?" "That's gross"
MineWiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When receiving applications for a job opening, I make sure to throw away half of the apps immediately- I donโt want unlucky people working for me.
fichgoony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a quiz is a quizzical. What is a test?
itsmelizb530 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an escaped, clairvoyant, little person?
A small medium at large
SoggyCheeto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
IForgotAboutDre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gunga Din
Gunga Din who?
Open the door I Gunga Din. (Answers funnier in an Indian accent)
timbukwunn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between jelly and jam?
I canโt jelly my dick up your ass.
Lur42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So you know why six was afraid of seven right? (Because seven eight nine.) Why though did seven eat nine? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
facepillownap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did little Sally fall off the swingset?
Because she didnโt have any arms!..
Knock knock. Whoโs there? ... not Sally.
slimpecker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts are walking down the road and one is a salted.
mipadrino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do people hate one man bands?
If you can play the harmonica and guitar at the same time people think youโre a musical genius.
Take the next step and strap a cymbal between your legs and people will walk across the street to avoid you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef!
WilominoFilobuster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather died at auschwitz in the holocaust: He fell from the guard tower.
brownieaffair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has 64 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.
slhopper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf guy a chicken? WANNA BUY A CHICKEN!!!!!
I am a horrible joke teller and my (adult) kids love this one because I can never yell the punchline without laughing.
EthanFo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me... except that joke always fails.
TTT_2k3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesnโt matter what you call it, it ainโt gonna come.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your porch? Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob
What do you call a one-legged woman? Eileen
Where does a one-legged person work? IHOP
What has six boobs and three teeth? Night shift at Waffle House
Did you hear about the dyslexic man? He walked into a bra
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He didnโt believe in dog.
sgt_backpack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(done as in a picket line) WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING AIRPLANES!!!! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWwwww
cbdudek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three nuns die and go to heaven. Up at the pearly gates, Saint Peter says they can each go in so long as they answer a question.
First nun steps up. Saint Peter asks, "Who was the first person to set foot in the garden of eden?" The nun confidently says "Adam".
The angels sing, the bells chime, and a light shines down on the nun as the gates open and she walks through into heaven.
The second nun steps up. Saint Peter asks, "Who was the second person to set foot in the garden of eden?" The second nun confidently says, "Eve of course!"
The angels sing, the bells chime, and a light shines down on the nun as the gates open and she walks through into heaven.
The third nun steps forward. Saint Peter asks, "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?" The nun thinks for a moment and scratches her chin. She says, "oh boy, that's a hard one. โ
The angels sing, the bells chime, and a light shines down on the nun as the gates open and she walks through into heaven.
HuckFoez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
4 nuns die and arrive at the gates of heaven, to be greeted by St. Peter, standing next to a bowl of holy water. He says,
โSisters, welcome to heaven! Before I can let you into the kingdom, you must confess your sins you never have during your life.โ
So the first nun walks up and says โforgive me father for I have sinned, for in my life I have laid eyes upon a mans penis.โ St. Peter responds โvery well, wash your eyes with this holy water and enter heaven.โ The nun washes her eyes, and enters. Now the second nun comes up and says โforgive me father for I have sinned, I have at one time touched a manโs penis.โ He tells her to wash her hands with the holy water, and proceed to the kingdom of God.
Now the third and fourth nun start pushing each other, making their way to the water. St. Peter stops them and says,
โSisters! What has come over you!โ The fourth nun responds,
โI only want to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in there!โ
UncleFupa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad barged into my room and said "Son, if you don't quit whacking off, your going to go blind." I said, "Dad.... I'm over here."
mrbrown1980 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
thelaundryday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I want to end a conversation I'll say "Well, you know, there are two different types of people in this world. Those that can infer from incomplete evidence." And then I get up and leave
Grenthblood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
crnext ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bobby was playing with his trains set while his mom was cooking and cleaning the kitchen. She would hear the train run then slow down to a stop. Bobby would then say, "All you mother flickers getting off the train its departure time. And all you motherfuckers getting on, we leave the station in one minute.
His mom overheard and came into his room. She made Bobby go to time out in the corner while he learned how to filter his words before cussing.
After an hour she told Bobby he could play with his trains, as long as he learned his lesson and doeant cuss any more. He nodded in agreement. She began washing the dishes.
She heard the train slow and come to a stop. Then, she heard her son say:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to thank you for traveling with Bobby Rail lines. Those of you who are departing, please watch your step on the platform."
"To those of you who will be embarking with us today, please feel free to stow your luggage in the provided compartment and a conductor will be along to punch your ticket. If anyone has complaints about the hour delay, please speak to the bitch in the kitchen."
SnapshotHeadache ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish without eyes?
A fsh.
connectmc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this girl crab has never had a boyfriend all her life. Her friends keep pointing out good-looking boy crabs to her, but she keeps saying, "I want to find someone different, they all seem the same!"
Then one day she sees a boy who's walking straight, instead of sideways like all the other crabs. She immediately approaches him, talks to him, they like each other, whirlwind courtship yada yada yada, get married that very evening. The wedding night is awesome.
The next morning girl crab wakes up, and sees the boy (well, he's a man now I suppose) walk out of the bathroom - walking sideways like all the other crabs. She's furious and begins to yell at him - "I thought you were different from everyone else, but you're walking sideways now! Did you do it on purpose?"
Man crab is sheepish. "You don't expect me to be drunk all the time, do you?"
Zarron4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to tell Chemistry jokes more often, but now I only tell them periodically.
I would tell more, but all the good ones Argon.
Corbeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up?" The sky
Chrispy0074 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you keep someone in suspense?
Bananagrabber61 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
gigi414 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh (its a lot better spoken, and gets people every time, at least for me)
moby323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one because you can change up the language/cursing to make it a cleaner joke.
Anyway: A guy goes out one night, partying with his friends. At the end of the night he suggests they go back to his place so he can show them his new apartment. They get to the apartment and are getting the tour when one of them sees a huge gong in the corner.
"What's up with the gong?", the friend asks. The guy says, "It's not a gong, that's talking clock."
"What are you talking about?", the friend says, "That's clearly a fucking gong."
So the guy says, "No, I'm serious. It's a talking clock. See, you take that hammer over there and you hit the gong as hard as you can, and then it tells you the time."
The friend is incredulous and says, "I gotta see this for myself." He grabs the hammer, rears back, and hits it: "GOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGG!!!!!!!!"
A few moments of silence follow, and then from the other side of the wall they hear, "HEY ASSHOLE!!! It's 3:30 in the morning!"
alpinetime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't the Queen wave with this hand? Because this is my hand
Ten_bucks_best_offer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The string of Helen Keller jokes.
What's Helen Keller's favorite color? Black.
What's Helen Keller's favorite poem? Roses are black, violets are black, I'm Helen Kellar.
What did Helen Kellar get for Christmas? Something soft. Doesn't matter, tell her it's a sweater.
What did Helen Kellar say when she fell down a well? waves hands uncontrolably
How do you punish Helen Kellar? Doorknobs everywhere.
Did you see that awesome picture of Helen Kellar's family? No? Neither did she.
What was princess Diana wearing during the crash? Crushed velvet.
It doesn't matter who you are talking to, at least one in the string will get a chuckle. The Diana is the 'ace in the hole'. Throw in one safety joke at the end. While some people won't admit that they find the Helen Kellar jokes funny, it is building up inside them and they will blow out for the last one. Tell a dumb joke that is sure to please whoever it is you are talking to and you will find the responding laughter a bit too much for the one quip.
Condescendingly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSHHH
cviles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Chinese lady with only 1 leg?
Ti Won Shu
KingOfCranes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off!
Equinoqs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock-knock
Who's there
Pavlov, just checking
Profoundpronoun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two doctors stand in line at the cafeteria of the hospital they work at.
One doctor says to the other โ My elbow hurtsโ
The other replies โYou should go to Wal-Martโ
โWhy would I go to Wal-Mart?โ
โYou havenโt heard about the new machine they have in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?โ
โNoโ
โWell you give it $10 and a urine sample and it gives you a print out of everything wrong with you and how to fix itโ
โGet the fuck out of here!โ
โIโm totally being serious, check it outโ
So he does. After his shift, he goes to Wal-Mart, puts $10 in the machine he finds in the pharmacy and gives it a urine sample. The print out reads:
โYou have TENNIS ELBOW. Apply ice packs off and on for two weeks, keep from strenuous activity and it will healโ
So the doctor is thinking: Man, pretty soon machines are going to be doing my job!? ....... Hmm, I wonder how accurate it is?
So the next day he gets a mason jar. He fills it up halfway with water from his tap. He gets his wife and his daughter to pee in it. He grabs a piece of his dogโs crap and throws that in there and just for good measure, he jerks off a load into it. He goes to Wal-Mart, gives the machine $10 and pours this concoction in.
It takes a minute but the printout reads:
โYour water is hard, buy water softener. Your dog, has worms, get it anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter, has a coke habit, get her to rehab. Your wife, is pregnant, itโs not yours, get a lawyer and if you donโt stop masterbating, that elbow is never going to healโ
chhpawnee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worse than ants in your pants
Uncles
man_with_a_big_gun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are standing in a field. Cow 1: โHey, did you hear about that mad cow disease going around?โ Cow 2: โWhat are you talking about? Iโm a helicopter.โ
Karsaurlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did they cancel drivees-ed and sex-ed in Wales?
The goat died.
Crichris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Myself
srhml24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once entered ten puns into a pun contest hoping one would win. But no pun in ten did.
Fucksgivendenied ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's 18 inches long and makes every woman scream?
SIDS
Bmood1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of room can a ghost not enter? A LIVING room. :D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I expected at least one of these to end with a Hell in the Cell bamboozle...not one did I see.
fiz1point5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we messed up the joke."
Whoopeeparty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy that got his vasectomy done at Sears? Every time he gets an erection the garage door goes up!
burner70 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street. Suddenly the brunette says, "Oh my god, look at that dog with one eye!". The blonde raises her hand up to her face, covers one of her eyes, looks around with the other and says, "Where!?"
Lilbrowngirl7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you say to two tampons walking down the road? Nothing. Theyโre stuck-up bitches.
Jo3dawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
MrShoubic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: โA man walks into a bar.โ
(Awful long silence ensues...)
You: โand..?โ
Me: โOh sorry I forgot, drank too much last night.โ
HappyGilmoreUK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
thatguy9234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that you can never run through a campground? You can only ran through a campground, because its past tents.
ilovebrook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnny and his grandfather goes fishing.
While fishing, grandfather lights a cigarette. Johnny asks if he could have one, and grandpa says, โwell, can your dick touch asshole?,โ to which Johnny replied โno.โ So grandpa says, โwell then, thatโs your answer.โ
A few minutes later, grandpa opens a bottle of beer. Johnny asks if he could have one, but grandpa says, โWell, can your dick touch your asshole?โ Johnny says no once again, and grandpa says,โthere you go, thatโs your answer.โ
Later on, Johnny and grandpa head home. Johnny is greeted by his grandma in the kitchen with a glass of milk and some cookies. As when Johnny is about to sit down and enjoy his treats, grandpa asks him if he could have some. Johnny replies, โWell, can your dick touch your asshole?โ Grandpa happily replies, โyes.โ Johnny then said, โWell then, you can go fuck yourself since grandma gave them to me!โ
DannyFenton123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
You can roast beef, but you can't pea soup.
NetteFraulein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of meat do you have on your feet?
Bologna
kidwithglasses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever see the movie about constipation?
It hasn't come out yet.
Young_Aria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar, asks the bartender if he can bring in his pet.
The bartender says, "Depends, what kind of animal is it?"
The guy says, "A newt. His name is Tiny."
BT "Why's his name Tiny?"
G "Because he's my newt."
bonasaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one Egyptian say to the other when they both farted? โWe have a Tutankhamunโ
TheSilverRoman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Nuns are moving from Europe to America.
Because they want to fit in they start doing all the American things like going to a Baseball game and such. During this one asks the other, in hushed tone: "Did you hear that they eat dogs here?"
"Yes. I think we should try it."
So they head over to the Hot Dog stands and order "Two Dogs, please."
They receive their food in separate bags and head back to their seats. Both take a long breath and look into their bags.
Finally one of them ask: "Which part did you get?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You guys hear about the new corduroy pillow cases? Theyre making headlines everywhere
dpoppino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
GAADhearthstone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
V
EDIT: Sorry, lost control there.
sheyLboogie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
aspirationallibrary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus is being crucified at the top of a hill. A Roman soldier is guarding the crucifixion site, and the Apostles and other mourners are gathered at the foot of the hill. Amidst the weeping and wailing, the Apostle John hears Jesus crying out to him:
"John! John, where are you?"
John springs to his feet and shouts, "My lord, I'm coming!" He races up the hill, but the Roman soldier draws his sword, lops off John's left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. John rolls and rolls before coming to a stop in a ditch. Lying there, covered in blood and dirt, John hears Jesus calling out to him again.
"John! John, my faithful friend, where are you?"
John pulls himself out of the ditch, and shouts up the hill: "I'm coming, my lord! I swear I will not abandon you!" He begins to hop up the rocky slope. Seeing him, the Roman guard sighs, draws his sword again, and chops off John's other leg. John rolls down the hill again, coming to a stop in the same ditch. Woozy from blood loss, he hears Jesus calling out once again, his voice more desperate than before.
"John! Please, John, I have something I must tell you!"
John is filled with a renewed energy. Now legless, he pulls himself out of the ditch again and begins clawing his way up the hill. The Roman guard, by now, is very tired of all this and takes pity on John, sheathing his sword and allowing the Apostle to crawl past him. Finally, John reaches the base of the cross. Jesus is dangling above him. Weakly, he calls out:
"My lord! My lord, I am here. What is it you wished to tell me?"
Jesus smiles down at him. His voice, despite the pain he must be in, is steady and warm.
"JohnโI can see your house from here!"
Purple_Bandmate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A midget runs up to a police officer and says,
"Help, someone stole my wallet!"
The officer replies,
"I can't believe someone would stoop so low."
TheThingme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam
What did the wall say when the fish ran into it? Dumb Bass
TazeredAngel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.
Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk โRah, all the cards are 3 of heartsโ, or โRah, the rabbit was in the table.โ The magicians act is ruined.
Then one day, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks.
The magician is the only survivor, but the parrot flies down to his piece of debris and stares at him. For days they stare at each other, tension filling the air.
Until one day, the parrot finally breaks the silence and says, โI give up. Whatโd you do with the ship?โ
wiremonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many M. Night Shyamalans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to screw it in almost all the way and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.
jameye11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two biscuits are sitting in an oven. One of them says โWow, itโs really hot in here.โ
The other one looks at the first in horror and yells โOH MY GOD, A TALKING BISCUITโ
cactusbutt65 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't ghost have babies?
Because they have hollowienies. Never fails.
psikociety ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Everytime I get a haircut and someone asks me "hey, did you get a haircut?" I always reply with, "no, my hair just falls off like that every now and then."
yujipooji ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what did the mexican fireman name his 2 kids?
hose A and hose B
ImTechnicallyCorrect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
FccPaco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard my flawless pickup line yet?
(Obvious no)
Does this smell like Chloroform to you?
Gilroydude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I would never pay $500 for a garbanzo to bean on me.
sneakypete13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, did you hear about the circus fire?
It was really intense.
Flynn_lives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a story about my divorce?
me too...
fleetfootfortune ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
motonnerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?'
nebuNSFW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are playing chess. One turns to the other and says, "how about we make this more interesting?"
So they stop playing chess.
TheMeanestPenis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender responds "we don't serve your kind in here."
The rope, distraught, leaves the bar, tangles himself up, unwinds, and goes back into the bar to try again.
The bartender says "aren't you that same rope that was just in here?"
The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot."
taint_of_love ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between and oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
OD_Emperor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf man a duck?
very loudly
HEY. DO YOU WANNA BUY A DUCK?
aelatalkstoomuch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you need glasses to do math? It helps with division
theexample19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know the joke, only the punchline.
And then the Asian stock boy jumps out of the backroom and yells Supplies!
Lupinfujiko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
UHF Weird Al Yankovic.
Patamarick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I stole this from reddit.
How many south americans does it take to change a light bulb....A BRAZILIAN.
Farmer_evil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which would you rather have, (fill in the blank) or the matter baby?
Whatโs the matter baby?
Nothing, Iโm fine.
PendantWhistle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kid and his grandpa were sitting on the porch together, enjoying the breeze on a cool summer day. Grandpa pulls out a cigar, lights it up, and starts taking puffs off of it.
The kid asks the grandpa, "What's that?"
Grandpa responds, "Its a cigar."
The kid asks, "Can I try it?"
Grandpa quickly responds with "can your dick touch your butthole?"
The kid responds, "no, it can't."
Grandpa says, "Then you're too young to try."
Some time passes, it's now mid afternoon, and the kid and his grandpa were sitting in the kitchen, having a snack, when grandpa pills out a bottle of scotch and pours himself a glass.
The kid asks the grandpa, "What's that?"
Grandpa responds, "Its whiskey."
The kid asks, "Can I try it?"
Grandpa responds with "can your dick touch your butthole?"
The kid responds, "No, it can't."
Grandpa says, "Then you're too young to try."
Later that night, after dinner, the kid and his grandpa were sitting on the couch in the living room when grandpa pulls out some dip and puts some in his mouth.
The kid asks the grandpa, yet again, "What's that?"
The grandpa, slightly annoyed, responds with, "Its tobacco, and no you can't try it."
"Why not?" The kid asks.
"Does your dick touch your butthole?" Grandpa asks, a third time.
The kid responds, "no, it can't."
Grandpa says, "Then you're too young to try."
A few minutes later, the kid goes into the kitchen where grandma is, and comes back out with a huge plate of cookies, and sits down next to grandpa.
Grandpa looks at the cookies, and asks, "Hey, whatcha got there?"
"Cookies," says the kid.
"Well, can I have one?" Grandpa asks, mouth watering.
The kid looks at grandpa and says, "can your dick touch your butthole?"
"Why, it absolutely can!" Says grandpa.
"Then you can go fuck yourself because grandma made these for me."
Incompetentmedic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A train conductor accidentally ran over the mayorโs wife, and was sent to the electric chair. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and the man asked for a cigar. Tobacco was very rare at the time, so they searched all across the land until they finally found one. The man smoked the cigar, the executioner pulls the lever, and nothing happens. The next day, he was sent back to the electric chair, and was allowed one last request. The man asked for two cigars. So they searched all across the land until they found them. He smoked the cigars, the mayor hooked up twice as much power to the electric chair, the executioner pulled the lever, and nothing happened. The mayor was furious. The next day, they put him back in the electric chair, asked for his last request, and he asked for three cigars. They searched all across the land until they found them, and the man smoked all three cigars. Then the mayor diverted all of the cityโs power to the chair. The executioner pulled the lever, and nothing happened. The mayor demanded to know what was going on, to witch the executioner replied; โhe must be a bad conductorโ
Gitbeasted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.
kpw1179 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Teach a man to make fire and heโll be warm the rest of his life. Set a man on fire and heโll be warm the rest of his life.
nopeX1ooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley.
One was assaulted
-1KingKRool- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Would you like a dead battery? Thereโs no charge.
In late, but thatโs my favorite one to go to now.
fiz1point5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to leave this world the same way I came into it.
By accident.
not_federer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One of them looks at the other and says: "do you know how to drive this thing???"
That is Arnold Schwarzenegger's go to joke. Read it in his autobiography.
JJboogie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did everyone like hanging out with the mushroom?
Because he was a fungi.
FieryFennec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do food and dark humour have in common?
Not everyone gets it.
jeltz191 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Captain's Parrot and the Magician.
Hammerfisting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If animals donโt want to be eaten then why are they made of food
grundledorf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once met a man with a wooden leg named Smith...
Zanodus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you know blind people don't see black?"
"Well what do they see?"
"Nothing stupid, they're blind."
Rockemsockemflobots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear my dmx impression?
("Woof woof")!
HappyAccidentNoMSTKS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors? A: If it had 4, itโd be a chicken sedan .
Dragenz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard the joke about the deaf gentleman who was hit by a train?
Yeah he never heard it either.
Gizmoh_Chile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hunters are walking in the woods when suddenly one of them falls and lies still. The other hunter pulls out his cellphone and calls 911 in a panic. "Help, help! My friend is dead!" "Keep calm, first, make sure he is dead" The call is silent, then boom!!! " Done, now what?"
gerny27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the farmer start his own rock-n-roll band? Well, he was tired of HAULIN' OATS! (Neil Hamburger)
boodabaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man who had been feeling really sick went to his doctor for test results.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news"
Man: "Give me the good news first"
Doctor: "Ok...Well - it looks like there will be something named after you."
Unwoven_Sleeve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me
killer_giraffe1984 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which bees produce milk?
Boo-bees.
Clicker300768 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What to a priest and a runner-up in a marathon both have in common?
They came in a little behind
Flyingcat9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Almost all of the top comments are from the same question asked a year ago: https://reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5z4b1u/whats_a_short_clean_joke_that_gets_a_laugh_every/
Tevesh_CKP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three out of four people enjoy gang rape.
Mvess18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their biggest hits were the wall.
At the very least it never fails to make me laugh.
knifepit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Somehow doing something funny and then as everyone's laughing I say, "I've never done one funny thing in my whole life," seems to work
MichaelSanders19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you define surprise?
Having sex with a pregnant lady and something grabs you....
lamb_E ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?!
..
..
...
Boo-bees!
PuttyRiot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A: A pilot, you fucking racist.
lmnobuddie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes stand on different sides of a river. One yells to the other โHow do you get to the other sideโ the other blonde yells back โyou are on the other sideโ
ladyjaws ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you never let your dog play with the remote control ? ..... cause he will always press pause
TheRaven314 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how do you think the unthinkable?
with an itheberg
guitarfreak22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cheeseburger sits down at an unfriendly bar and orders a root beer float.
After a long and uncomfortable gap of silence the bar man replies "we don't serve food here."
rachelmaryl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Christian Bale
pixiupixiu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have one long joke and 2 short jokes.
Jooooookkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeee. Joke joke.
(works better in person haha)
Missfoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? Because if it bad 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan! (Badum-tss)
ehMove ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know how I can tell a train just went by?
It left its tracks.
moby323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is Jewish and he loves Jewish jokes, he told me this one:
A priest and a rabbi are in NYC when they get in a car accident at an intersection. The rabbi's car is in really bad shape, and the priest gets out to check on him. "My God! Are you OK?!", he asks.
The rabbi says he is fine. The priest says, "What a miracle! Your car is completely destroyed!" The rabbi says, "Can you believe it? Not a scratch on me. In fact, this bottle of yeshiva wine I had in my pocket is still intact." He pulls the bottle out and offers the priest a drink. "Thank you!! My nerves are totally shot." the priest says. He takes a couple of long pulls on the bottle and hands it back to the rabbi, but the rabbi just looks at him. "Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks. "Not until after the cops get here."
CloudSA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about that kidnapping?
He woke up..
BostonGreekGirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
With kinky you use a feather, but perverted you use the whole damn chicken.
DingoMan444 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction
maltawind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy is getting a checkup from his doctor.
Doctor says, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm afraid you're going to have stop masturbating."
Guy says, "What?!! Why?"
Doctor says, "So I can examine you! It's distracting!"
WoWisLife713 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that kidnapping in Houston?... He woke up.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys are on a boat and have four cigarettes, but no matches. So they throw one cigarette off the boat, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
JordanSchor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a Frenchman, an American and a Canadian are all on a boat that's sinking, and they have to throw something overboard that their country has too much of if they want to survive.
The Frenchman throws off some snails, the American throws off some gun and ammo, and the Canadian throws off the Frenchman.
Thanatos246 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: how do you get a baby into a bowl? A: blender Q: how do you get them out of the bowl? A: nachos
DrongoTheShitGibbon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
LuckyLefty1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When people ask how tall I am. "How tall are you?" "6'2, but 6'5 in heels." That one always seems to get a good giggle or snort out.
Talkingarb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does a rabai make money at a bris? By keeping the tips.
PyroFox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, ill give these two a lift.
Nikalis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what grandpa used to tell me? Iโm gonna go upstairs and fuck grandma.
Blondie_03 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.
He's explaining Facebook to old people.
Been my favorite joke for some time now.
patrickfrmnj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two friends are hiking in the forest when they come across a Grizzly Bear. "Run!" says the first guy and they both take off, with the bear in hot pursuit.
"This is crazy" says the second man, "we'll never be able to outrun this bear!"
"I don't have to outrun the bear" says the first man, "I just have to outrun you."
Johnsonaaro2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't lesbians do their makeup and diet at the same time?
Cuz you can't eat Jennie Craig with Mary Kay on your face
jasiskool12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
if glass is made of sand why does it taste like blood.
Esprack619 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
jgats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you look like a girl who likes being choked
bigmeatbag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old stripper told me this one. It's perhaps one of the most offensive jokes to some people but it made my hardcore fundamentalist preacher neighbor laugh his ass off. "Why did all the ladies love Jesus?" Stretch out hands like you're on the cross, "Cause he was hung like this."
Texas_Rockets ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do gay horses eat?
horse dick.
trailbooty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the elephant say to the naked man? Itโs cute, but how do you breathe out of that thing?
DJhedgehog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walked into a bar wearing a ship's steering wheel as a belt buckle.
"What's up with the ship wheel?"
"YARR IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"
Nirvanaguy15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback you'll have to wipe it off your moms teeth
reallyhotgirlwhoshot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your dick up some slut's ass.
ducktaleswooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were two sausages in a frying pan. One looks over at the other and says, โwow, itโs hot in here.โ And the other says โOH MY GOD!A TALKING SAUSAGE!โ
Taco6N13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have 2 jokes that always work:
3 guys are hanging out at a constitution site and they want to figure out how strong they are. So they decide to each take brick and throw it in the air as hard as the can, and it will drop into a pile of mud and they'll measure how deep the brick goes. The first guys throws his brick then it sinks 2 feet in the mud. The second guys throws his brick then it sinks 5 feet in the mud. The third guy say " Impressive, but I can surely beat that." Then he throws his brick in the air.... It never comes down.
A woman wants to go see her mother who is depressed and she knows her pet parrot will always cheer her mother up. However the only flight she can get is listed as a "No pet/No smoking" flight. So she decides to smuggle her parrot on the plane in her coat. She somehow manages to do this and sneak a bird past security. During the flight the pilot comes out to go to the bathroom however the sees that the pilot is chomping on a huge cigar. On his way back to the cockpit he noticed the woman's jacket is lumpy and making noises, so he says "Excuse me ma'am is there something wrong." She says that everything is fine, but still skeptical the pilot pretends to walk away then quickly open the woman's jacket. With the parrot now revealed the pilot snacthes it in his hands and screams at the woman " No pets allowed your not suppose to have a parrot on this plane!" Then he throws the parrot out of the emergency exit. Distraught that her parrot has just been lost forever the woman starts crying and says "Oh yeah well your not supposed to be smoking on this plane!" Then she throws the cigar out of the plane. Pissed off that he lost his cigar the pilot goes back to the cock pit. When he sits back down at the controls he looks over and sees the parrot in the window with something in its mouth. What did the parrot have in its mouth?
The Brick.
rrab04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
agaletus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A French, English and American man are captured by the natives of a country they're in. The native's chief comes out and tells the men, "You will all die, we are going to kill you and skin you for canoes. However, you get to decide how you will die."
The English man decides he will shoot himself with a pistol. He says "Long live the queen" and pulls the trigger. He falls over and dies.
The French man decides that he will drink poison. He drinks it and proclaims "C'est la vie," then falls minutes after.
The American man says "give me a fork." Once he's given it, he starts rapidly stabbing himself with it. The chief asks him "What the hell are you doing?" The American man says "Good luck with your canoe."
MaxyNee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The extractor fan joke
kittensarecute89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says ooooh something smells good I like to say thanks I just farted
Paddy_Tanninger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was visiting my uncle Basil last weekend, he doesn't have Alzheimer or anything that serious but his memory has been getting pretty bad. He's been taking some medication for it though, so I says to him I says "hey there uncle Basil how's that's memory medication going so far, is it starting to work for ya?"
"Well it's a damned hard thing to tell, to be honest I'm really not sure."
"What's the medication called anyway there uncle? I never heard of that kind of thing before."
"I'm uhhh...it's...oh for gods sake, what's the name of that flower? The really pretty one? Smells real nice?"
"Oh boy I'm not too sure, a daffodil maybe?"
"No no not daffodil...you'd give one to a girl that you like on a date, know the one?"
"Uh is it a carnation?"
"No no not that, it's red, it's a beautiful red flower!"
"Ohhh a rose you must mean!"
"Yes yes! Yes that's the one! ROSE!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE NAME OF THAT MEDICATION IM TAKING!?"
Bowserjr64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
Ba dum tsss
Yeah that one works better out loud
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A soldier on leave doesn't want to rejoin his unit when they are heading back to the fighting. He sees a nun and begs her "please help me hide, I don't want to go back to the front."
The nun says "hide underneath my habit, but promise not to open your eyes." The soldier promises.
After his unit gives up looking for him and leaves, the nun tells him it's safe to come out now. When he does, she thanks him for keeping his promise and not opening his eyes.
"How do you know I didn't open my eyes?" He asks.
The nun replies, in a much deeper voice "I don't want to go back to the front either."
moopaloopi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man comes into a bar
No, wait. A horse.
So, a man comes into a horse...
iuseleinterwebz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The punchline comes first...
...
...
...
... how can you tell if a comedian is a time traveller?
bobsasexyman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A penguin is having car troubles..so he stops in to see his local mechanic. The mechanic says it might take awhile, so the penguin decides to leave his car and take a walk down to the local dairy queen. After about 20 minutes, the penguin makes his way back to the shop and asks the mechanic how it's coming along. The mechanic says " it looks like you blew a seal" To which to penguin replys "NO, NO! I just had an ice cream cone!"
scbrenner98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Matthew Mcconaughey masturbate after he broke his left hand?
All right all right all right.
Montyoython1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What would you get if you crossed a cow with an octopus?
A stern rebuke from the ethics committee and an immediate cessation of funding.
toyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the man have his hand up in the horses ass?
Hes an amish mechanic
00stoll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blind boy with one arm and one leg get for Christmas?
Cancer.
ProbablyMiles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
Heโs disqualified.
cjthompsonn95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the biggest similarity between an eagle and a molerat?
They can both fly, except the molerat
GREGORIOtheLION ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
6HOT6KARL6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the ref was blowin' fowls.
DeadPussi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Communism jokes are only funny if everyone gets them
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Baronarnaud1995 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach? Its not hard.
00stoll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust.
MoistNugget97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a staircase's male sibling? It's step-brother.
romanpower3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock, whose there, canoe, canoe who, canoe come to my party!?
thehipsterhistorian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam.
๐คฃ
XtremeHacker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Archaeologists believe that there were computers as far back as Moses' time, why it even says in the Bible that God gave him two stone tablets.
Maegamists ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you fall from heaven? โCause so did Satan.
PittsburghChris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy is at a ball game sitting way up high in the cheap seats. Looking down, he sees a fellow on the fifty down low with a great view - and the seat next to him is empty. So he makes the trip down and asks, "Excuse me sir, is this seat taken?"
And the fellow answers, "Well, my wife and I came to every game for fifty years and sat in these exact seats, but she died."
So the first guy says, "Gee, sorry. But ... These are terrific seats. Couldn't you find a buddy or relative to come to the game with you?"
Then the fellow answers, "No, they're all at the funeral."
darkbluedarz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar.
Then another man walked into bar but he forgot to duck.
Yellowbug2001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is in his doctor's office, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." The man says, "Oh no doc! But why?!?" The doctor says, "BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMINATION."
cjaxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone complains at work about not getting paid enough money or getting paid on time. I always say "Wait... you guys are getting paid?" never fails always gets laughs
itsnotlookinggood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi"
Kagz123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a 16 year old German girl? Guten-tight
Fromagecheeseboi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Adult conservations
gonefishin999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From /r/jokes
A boy walks up to his dad...
โHey Dad. Why is my sisterโs name Teresa?โ
The dad responds, โwell you see son, Teresaโs name is an anagram for the word Easter because your mom really loves Easter!โ
โOh I see! Thanks Dad!โ
โYouโre welcome Alan!โ
burritokiller1971 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Buckwheat wash his clothes in Tide?
Because itโs too cold out tide.
kornerguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A lady goes to a bakery and asks the baker for bagels. The baker says "sorry we don't make bagels". She leaves. She comes back the next day and asks for bagels again. The baker reminds her again that they don't serve bagels. She leaves. The following day the lady comes back and asks the baker for bagels. Frustrated, the baker asks her a question, "can you spell CAT as in Cation?" The lady replies "C-A-T". He then asks "can you spell DOG as in DOGmatic?" The lady says "D-O-G". He then asks "can you spell FUCK as in Bagels?" She says "there's no fuck in bagels". The baker says "that's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Claud6568 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three engineering students were arguing one day about what type of engineer created the human body. First student says well obviously itโs a mechanical engineer look at the way all the muscles and bones and everything works together yes definitely mechanical engineer. The second student says no no no itโs a chemical engineer nothing would work without all the chemicals that make everything work between the brain and the organs yes yes definitely a chemical engineer. The third student said no now youโre both wrong itโs a civil engineer. The other two look at himLike heโs crazy and say how could it possibly be a civil engineer? The third student says simple. Who else would put a recreational area right next to a toxic waste dump?
Peter_Schmeichel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no fur?
Bare.
Digital_Savior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Chuck Norris once had Parkinsons. He shook it off.
DDfnord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I used to fuck soldiers (theyre hot, cocky, assholes... I'm into it!) But it turns out I prefer to have orgasms so I fuck airmen now.
victarion22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just flew in from Chernobyl and boy are my arms legs.
DrScienceSpaceCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two penguins are sitting in a canoe in the middle of a desert, just rowing away with the canoe just going in circles in the sand( one penguin turns to the other penguin and says โwhereโs your oar,โ the other penguin says, โsure does.โ
Magnivox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Women's Rights
Sandpaper_Pants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do neutrinos and I have in common? We're both constantly penetrating your mom.
texasdeluxe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Actually, Itโs a really obscure number, youโve probably never heard of it.
chris5129 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Random porson: "Do you have any kids of your own?" Me: "None that I know of."
BayHarborButler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the sleazy dentistโs favorite time of day?
Tooth hurty
dripsonic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/funny
gman1951 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Yoko Ono and an Ethiopian have in common? They both live off of dead Beatles (Beetles).
ShutUpJackass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I can see!"- said the deaf man
Parintachin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I want to die in my own bed, age 100... Shot by a jealous husband.
Ella_Minnow_Pea_13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call the cross between an elephant and a rinocerous?
Elephino ๐คท๐ผโโ๏ธ
Pk0h ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
approaches attractive woman
Want to go halves on a baby?
KasBru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock "Whos there?" The interrupting pirate.. "The interrupt..." AAAAArRRrgGggGgg
BronwynECG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh donโt worry I donโt bite. At least not since the cops found all the bodies ๐
DioBrandoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kono Dio Da.
fortunatedad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Power Rangers are gathered for a mission. The Pink Ranger yells โpink power!โ The Red Ranger yells โred power!โ The Yellow Ranger yells โyellow power!โ The White Ranger stands up and says โ...so how you guys doinโ?โ
Seattle_Rainy_Days ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Other person: "how are you doing today?"
Me: "Not good, my girlfriend broke up with me."
Other person: something something "I'm sorry to head that."
Me: " Oh it's ok, she said we could still be cousins."
CaptHowdy02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy's taking a piss at the urinal. Suddenly, the bathroom door slams open and there stands a giant of a man holding his club sized dick in hand...
"You know what I'm gonna do with this big, hard dick?" asks the giant
"N-no, what?" says the first guy
"I'm gonna shove it up your ass!"
"Phew, thank goodness...for a moment there I thought you were gonna hit me with it"
kuromatsuri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Religious kleptomaniacs take the Bible literally
filmgeekvt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands. But do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No...
You see that shed across the road? I built that shed with me own two hands... But do they call me McGregor the shed builder? No...
See that farmhouse down the road? I built that farmhouse with me own two hands, but do they call me McGregor the farmhouse builder? No...
But you fuck one goat! ๐
Brah_Do_You_Even_Gif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a HUGE steering wheel of a ship, sticking straight outa his pants.
The bar tender, absolutely shocked, decides 'screw it, I've seen a lot, I'm not going to give it a second look.'
After about an hour of this pirate sitting there, drinking and going on like nothing is the matter, the bar tender can't take it anymore.
"OK pal...why do you have a steering wheel of a ship sticking STRaaaight outa your pants?!"
The pirate says "Yaaarrr, it's DRIVIN' me nuts!"
JibbSmart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Harry Potter get to the bottom of a hill? Walking Awkward pause or "I don't get it" JK, rolling!
Lintobean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โYour momโ
micahgoldstein053274 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do they build walls around graveyards? Cus people are just DYING to get in there
swankybangles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I wouldnโt pay $40 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
casualyakov ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is gold old number 1700
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
EdSheeranSheep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever my mrs says something of some sort of description, usually a sexual innuendo I say "that was my nickname in high school"
5SadWhiteGuys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Asian billionaire?
Cha-Ching. $$$
tfunk918 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As a Native American my go to joke is โYou got any Indian in you?โ Depending on a yes or no answer I fire back with โWant some?โ Or โWant some more?โ
jstnjns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I have cleared a plate or bowl while out to eat and the server comes by to pick it up, I say "awful, I hated it..."
DrBatman0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best part of a joke the timing.
RenegadeDelta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking, she's gonna eat me?!"
DrBatman0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
pillraatten ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many feminists do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One who screw in the lightbulb and one giving me head.
onebadmoth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the joke about No and Me neither?
No
Me neither. You get it?
No
Me neither. Wanna hear it again?
No
Me neither
AuntJemimas97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Old one but my mom used to tell me it
MakesMyHeadHurt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck to the chicken.
Heterophylla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was at dinner with my wife and mother-in-law. Mother-in-law said " I have an important request. I would like to be cremated" I said "Great, I'll get you coat"
Stephanreggae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't drink anymore....but I don't drink any less either!
stugots85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay Michael Scott. Get back into the party.
matildadinsuru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
UnconditionedDip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly by the sea? Because if they flew by the bay, theyโd be called bagels
batonduberger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the guy with five willies ?
His underpants fit him like a glove.
Beccabooisme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, have you guys ever heard the joke about margarine??
I butter not tell you, you might spread it!
yuckypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys were walking along and saw a dog licking itself. Guy #1 says, "I wish I could do that." Guy #2 says, "maybe you should pet him first."
MakesMyHeadHurt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Blondes walked into a building, you would have thought one of them would have seen it there.
Fromthefuture69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fit six million Jews into a car?
Send them to clown college.
whoshareswins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you do when you see a fireman?
A: You put it out, man.
caros92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These kinda remind me of an al dente joke i used to know. But i could never get the timing right
dearth805 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
jousiemohn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell you're at a gay picnic?
The hotdogs tastes like shit
Sindinista ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walks into a club...
TicklesWhenITouchIT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worse than ants in your pants? Uncles!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey and Minnie are in court getting divorced. The judge says to Mickey "im sorry I can't grant you a divorce in the fact you say your wife is crazy". Mickey replies "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin goofy!"
New_Hampshire_Ganja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae bra.
baybaydoit559 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its a double but, "Why couldnt the lil boy go to see the pirate movie...cause it was rated RRRR" Then hit em with this second one "Whats a pirates favorite letter?" Let them answer with the obv R, and the say "no you dummy its the Sea (C)" and give them a nice lil finger hook gesture
offthenwego ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jersey girls and trash?
Trash gets picked up.
DonDimpen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I die I wish to be scattered in a few different places around town. Not cremated, just scattered.
hudzerflip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What color are Kurt Cobain's eyes?
Blue. One blew this way the other blew that way.
Starkiez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Translated from native language but I wanted to join in.
A wide mouthed frog lived in a pretty meadow, with lots of bugs and sun. One day the wide mouthed frog meets a stork, and asks โwhat are you?โ It says that heโs a stork. โOh!โ The wide mouthed little frog says โwhat does someone like you eat?โ The stork tells that he eats little wide mouthed frogs. The frog puckers his lips and says โoh really? Seen anyone recently?โ
My cousins loves this. Itโs child friendly obviously. Haha.
tro111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 idiots argued over what animal tracks they found before getting run over by a train.
Yerboogieman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know it's Spring in Washington? The rain gets warmer.
AirHamyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give her a double entendre.
So he gives it to her.
LeggyBald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells? Because B shells are too small
HighbirdEQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
DirtySlims ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two antennaes met on a roof. Fell in love, got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
MatrixReaper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If the Swan symbolizes Happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love?
The Swallow.
fugly16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mostly an ice breaker/overtly cheesy pick up line.
Do you know where the closest veterinarian is around here? Flex my skinny nerd arms Cause these puppies are Siiiiiccccck.
MJWood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
fastaire13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock in your ass.
animalchin08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a girl with no arms? Marlene
Knock knock.. whoโs there?
Not Marlene!!
spookymark23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison?
a small medium at large
TheZombieMolester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A partially blind man is walking and falls into a well. When asked about it he said he couldnโt see that well
Afreeq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dust you hear about the barber that was arrested for dealing drugs?
I've been a client of his for years, yet I had no idea he was a barber!
becclaroo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Filipรฉ filopรฉ
ywkwpwnw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you top a car?
You tep on the brake, tupid.
JinNJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I do security at a hotel. When Iโm in public spaces, Iโll let young kids give me 5, then pretend it hurts like hell. Seeing a security guard my size (6โ6โ 260+ pounds) โcryโ ALWAYS makes the little ones laugh.
Techphilia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why flamingos stand on one leg?
Because if they picked them both up theyโd fall over.
Baelgul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work in consulting and often people remark I look young so I say "This is the oldest I've been so far"
ElVille55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the snarky criminal going down stairs?
He was a condescending con descending.
down_R_up_L_Y_B ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A kid goes up to his dad and asks him what's the difference between potentially and realistically. The dad tells him to go up to his sister and ask her if she would sleep with the mailman for 1 million dollars. So the boy goes and asks and comes back and says yes she would. The dad then says, okay go ask your mom the same question. Boy goes and asks and comes back and says yes she would as well.
The dad then says to the boy. We can potentially be millionaires but realistically we have 2 whores living in the house with us.
TheFutonDon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch?
Names.
djallenb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And the French guy said โDeodorant whatโs that?โ
Th3gr3mlin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I was reading in the newspaper the other day, it said that scientists have discovered that diarrhea is actually genetic! They say that it runs in your jeans.
sugarwaffles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Old couple from Texas are driving thru Oregon. They pull up to a gas station to fill up. The attendant comes out.
Gas Station Attendant: Morning, how may I help you?
Old Man: Fill it up with regular.
Old Woman: WHAT? WHAT DID YA SAY?
OM: I TOLD THE MAN TO FILL IT UP
OWS: oh, ok
GSA: So Texas plates, I was there once, where yall from?
OM: Weโre from Corpus Christi.
OWS: WHAT? WHAT DID YA SAY?
OM: I TOLD HIM WEโRE FROM CORPUS CHRISTI!
OWS: oh, ok.
GSA: WOW! Iโve been to Corpus Christi! Man, I got the sorriest piece of ass when I was there.
OWS: WHAT? WHAT DID HE SAY
OM: HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA!!
FireStillPlayz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did little suzy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
jhojnac2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
ihavnoideawatimdoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter, they all just keep complimenting it and getting frustrated when it won't screw
WeGoAgain18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime I respond unusually quickly to an email. I apologize for the delayed response.
graciepaint4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between your mother/sister and a washing machine. The washing machine doesn't call you a hundred times after you put a load in her
NobilisUltima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman's husband passes away, and for his funeral the widow requests that he be wearing a tuxedo (as he was the night they met), no matter the cost. The funeral comes and goes, and the deceased looks handsome and solemn in a splendid tuxedo.
A while later the widow receives a bill for a comparatively small amount. Reasoning that the funeral director must have found some bargain, she takes a little solace in the savings. However, another bill for the same amount arrives a month later; possibly some clerical error, she figures. But then another bill comes the next month, and the next month, and the next, and finally she goes to see the funeral director and asks him what is going on. The director replies "Oh, the store I went to didn't have any for sale, so I rented one."
MrEction_06 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker..?
Hop in
xthemoonx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why doesn't jesus play hockey? because he keeps getting nailed to the boards.
TtarIsMyBro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
NobilisUltima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
75% of German shepherds are dogs.
Machtri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can Peter Pan fly?
...well, if you were hit in the peter with a pan, youโd fly too
Kurazur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life's a joke but I tend to fail alot sooo...
raiityt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I have a knock knock joke for you, but you need to start it" "...Knock knock?" "Who's there?" Confused silence
MavGore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
Pra1217 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, they just beat the room for being black
ModestMotion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An American man, a Mexican man and a British man are taking a flight together on a peculiar plane which allows the windows to open.
At the start of the flight the British man reaches into his carry on and pulls out a tea bag, chucking out of the window matter-of-factly.
"Why'd you do that?" The Mexican man asks.
"There's too much of it in my country." responds the British man.
The Mexican man decides to follow suit, and he tosses a taco out.
"Why'd you do that?" asked the American man.
"There's too much of that in my country." the Mexican man replied.
The American man then tossed the Mexican man out if the window, so the British man piped up.
"Why did you do that?"
"He fucked my wife."
PhunkBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a regular joke and a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent...
OperationD00M ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A termite walks into a bar and asks for the bar tender.
ciaranotsierra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was a man who was married to a woman named Lorraine. However, the man truly loved a woman named Clearly. Sooner than later, Lorraine passed away and at the funeral the man said, โI can see Clearly now Lorraine is goneโ.
JUST_A_HANDSOME_BEAR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how come you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?
because the pee is silent.
thermitespite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes.
ill3go ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life...ahahahhhahaha sniffles
Chickenterriyaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
Six_Pound_Soft ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One hooker says to another hooker "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?". The other hooker says "Naww, but I've been dragged around by the tits".
mhvoth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Have you ever smelled moth balls?
Them: Yeah, of course!
Me: Oh I havenโt. I canโt figure out how to fit my nose between their tiny legs.
Elbiotcho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a car top?
Tep on the brake tupid
mrperson221 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he's not coming anyway.
Vurje ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few years ago I had been calling in sick for work a lot. One morning I called my boss to tell him I was sick again and that I wouldn't be coming in to work. My boss was done with my shenanigans and said that I would have to come in anyways. I said I'm too sick to come in. He asked, well how sick are you? I said, well, I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?
Greygorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic?
...about half way.
super_splooger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many confederates does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they're to busy screwing their cousins.
JasonSandeman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.
Mgmegadog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:24:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand base two, and those who don't.
supermarble94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.
expletive-expletive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and rhymes with snoop?
ensign_dill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Soup!
expletive-expletive ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Dre.
ensign_dill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well played
expletive-expletive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:30:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The normal answer is a look of confusion and disgust, because they usually say โI donโt know, poop?โ
Youโre the first person to say soup. Caught me off guard.
KingDann ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees!
Armadeagle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little late but I like to tell my story about when I was in French class, got a test, looked at it, went up to the teachers desk and said "Dude this test is in a different language"
ThreeTwoOneQueef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. What do you call an epileptic having a foot in a bundle of leaves? Russell.
LordForthwright ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This usually gets a chuckle if you shout the last line in disbelief.
Two talking muffins are in an oven.
M1: Boy is it ever hot in here!
M2: HOLLY FUCK A TALKING MUFFIN!
lepuncture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler... (Wait for them to say "a muffler?") Yes and I woke up exhausted!
Reechurd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life. Next question.
AsterixD2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know the Alphabet? They have 26 letters. Do you know in Netherlands they only have 23? Cause KLM flew.
dagens24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate with a steering wheel stuck to his crotch walks into a bar, the bartender asks "what's the deal with the steering wheel?" The pirate responds "Arrrrr, it's driven me nuts."
SergeantJinto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
2sixzero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre
So the barman gave her one.
Morighant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was gonna make a bread joke, but it was sourdough.
Missed_thepoint ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the douchebagโs house.
Okay, okay, one more joke.
Knock, knock Whoโs there? The chicken!
Little_mountain68 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this joke as we were walking by and I cackled like a maniac, so now I've taken it for my own - "What did one strawberry say to the other? If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"
futonrhetoric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the stadium get hot once the game was over?
All the fans left.
Aldjmc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy goes to his first day of school. At lunch, he notices one of his friends has a Thermos. He asks his friend what it does, and the friend replies โit keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold. Today I have soup in itโ. The boy was amazed. On the second day of school the notices that another friend has a Thermos. Again, the boy asks about it, and the reply is โit keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold. Today I have some ice cold lemonade in itโ. The boy was amazed. On the third day of school, the boy could hardly wait to show his friends the Thermos his mom bought for him. At lunch, his friends asked what was in his Thermos, and he replied โtwo hot dogs and a popsicleโ.
ClipClopHands ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do it know?
Soren114 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Life.
thepriceisrite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
โWhereโs my tractor?โ
timm_456 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a walkie-talkie for hospital patients? A stumbly-mumbly
Itsyaboioutofgold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that kidnapping in insert city name? They had to wake him up.
t_996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pool tables green? Youโd be green too if your balls got racked.
RixW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
L
Ardyin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RNA must really like coffee, because they don't like "T".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one saggy boob say to another saggy boob?
If we keep on sagging like this, they might think we're nuts!
suzysparrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
jasmurra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In the right crowd:
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was [garbled noises].
WhoisTylerDurden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does an Asian pirate do?
He frys the prane.
ladywould ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
where do watermelons go for the summer?
john cougar mellencamp
Razorbladedog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the world's smartest nut?
The academia nut
Noremac135 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a good pizza joke but it's pretty cheesy
Hope_Burns_Bright ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you have a green ball in your right hand and a green ball in your left hand, what else do you have?
Kermit's undivided attention.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Squareybee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a joke....
situational_analysis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bike fall over?
It was two tired.
bloodywellclueless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
did ya hear about the perverted shepherd? he kept mountain goats!
wastingtime41 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
CaveManZach0245 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his wife are driving down a winding road with a speed limit of 55. There is an air of tension in the car -obviously something is wrong. The wife says to the husband that she wants a divorce. Their marriage does not have the spark it once did, he has put on weight, and he does not take care of her the way he used to. He nods and accelerates to 60.
The wife then tells the husband that she has a good lawyer and the lawyer is going to make sure she gets the house and half of his assets. Sheโll also get custody of their children. The husband nods and accelerates to 65.
The wife, now disgruntled by his lack of a reaction informs her husband that she has been having an affair with his boss for the last 7 months, and that he was ten times better in bed than he has ever been. The husband nods and accelerates to 70.
The wife, now irate, begins to scream โHave you nothing to say you coward? Donโt you have any spine?โ
As the husband accelerates to 75 mph, he calmly says to his wife โYou can have my house, my money, my children, and my pride. However, there is one thing I will not allow you to have.โ
The wife shouts โOh yeah, whatโs that?โ
He accelerates to 85 and says, as calmly as he has the whole ride โthe airbagโ
sCologne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
They always did say the real joke was in the comments. I was not disappointed.
Kemptoff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between jelly and jam?
I canโt jelly my dick in your a$$hole.
ironbattery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cowboy and astronaut and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says โwhat is this, a joke?โ
sometimes_a_nut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You poke her face
Louiethefly12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever youโre sitting in a sauna you can go with the old โUh itโs so hot in here it feels like Iโm sitting in a sauna or something?โ - Courtesy of Jeremy from Peep show
fourlegged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything
TheFriendlyItalian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 2 balloons in a desert.
Balloon 1: Look out for that cactusssssssssss. Balloon 2: Which cactusssssssss?
Darth_GuyFawkes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
OnI_BArIX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NSFW joke but here we go
3 men are walking through the woods and come across a trail. The first guy goes down the middle, but nothing really eventful happens. The second guy goes down the left path and about halfway through he sees a sign saying "blowjobs $5." He puts in $5 & gets head. The same thing happens to the third guy who went down the right path. Awhile later the paths all met up again & the guy on the left said "I just had the best head of my life!" The guy on the right said "no way dude me too!" The one in the middle with a huge grin said "I made $10 today."
Bob8372 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it!
Galactusurfer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the cannibal eat the disabled person?
He doesn't like vegetables.
ranawatduke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
SEX. Now that Iโve your attention its time to workout.
AnglophileHistoryNut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute? .... "Keep the tip".
rfox93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I find someone with a fucked humor like me I use: โWhatโs worse than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree? A dead baby stoked to 10 trees.โ Other than that I use sarcasm and impersonations. People love it.
Jagza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a knock knock joke, but you have to start it
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:05 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Jagza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:48 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoโs there?
Darth_GuyFawkes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the world's largest bounce castle?it's actually a full size apartment. Has a small swimming pool and everything. The only Issue is the rent on place is crazy outrageous. Cause' ya know. Inflation.
JLR- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened after the cheese factory exploded?
De Brie was everywhere.
Cappuccino-Cosmico ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Redforeman1017 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
22cdorf22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Whoโs there? Gladiator. Gladiator who? Gladiator out before the gangbang.
SniperSnivyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If you rape a minion who are they going to tell?
Banana?
Lapjunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans
Or
What do you call a slow jamaican?
Poky, mon.
Chocolate_Cream_Pie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
anntieem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
Built-In_Cape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pete and Re-pete went into the store. Pete came out. Who was left?
megabollockchops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
D
iconsd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't smoky the bear have any kids?
Cause every time his wife gets hot he beats her out with a shovel.
Bearry15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!! (What's up b)
intelligentless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand eeyyyyyyyeeee.
kiefdaddy11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow that canโt stand up? Ground beef
dinosoursmash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I finally figured out how to make my dick 12 inches long
I cut it in half
Thatoneguymikeg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
He NUTS and BOLTS!
Got it from reddit and its been a favorite since.
intelligentless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like radar? High pitched voice Poop poop poop poop
bewilderedshade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad it's Friday.
dignifiedstrut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize.
Because he was outstanding in the field.
kyle_tisdel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like asking people what theyโre doing for Halloween when itโs extremely far away. Like in May you ask โSo what are you doing for Halloween?โ
Catches people off guard 10/10 times
BiskeLaV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts
Pkolaric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a grape do when you crush it? ....... it lets out a little wine
celesteallover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks.
FirstNameLastName69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?
The taste.
lostnarwhal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't T-rexes clap? Because they're extinct.
YourgonnaLoveit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is going on business trip to Jamaica and his wife is super paranoid about him cheating so she makes him tattoo her name on his penis.. "WENDY".. So he lands in Jamaica and he has to piss so he goes to use the restroom, while pissing he happens to look over and he sees this Jamaican guy who has the same initials on his dick "WY".. he says no way is you're wife's name Wendy too? and he goes no.. unravels his huge horse cock and it read "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day"
Grunge_bob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My friend got a stripper in a cake, but she got stuck inside.
So, we ate her out.
Disclaimer: can fail depending on context.
caligana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Kid: Hey Mom! Dad is throwing everything he hates out the windowwwwwwwwwww
PixelatedMemoir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snow balls.
jwkemo3087 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna know how I know you are gay? Your dick taste like shit.
PuttyGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock." 'Who's there.' "Broken pencil." 'Broken pencil who?' "...Nevermind. It's pointless."
KiiDZoNeR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Mexicans have tamales for Christmas? So they have something to unwrap.
Favorite racist joke of all time! I'm Mexican in case anybody cares to know.
paleobrandon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the movie โConstipationโ?
It hasnโt come out yet.
Raptor169 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door
How do you out an elephant in the refrigerator?
Open the door, take the giraffe out
The lion had a party and whoever didn't go was eaten. Who got eaten?
The elephant because he was stuck in the refrigerator
wheel1234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Gold.
SailorJaywah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your cold? Go stand in a corner, itโs 90ยฐ!
Asknicelydammit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He was up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
starshiplullaby30 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything!!!!
GiovannasRequiem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
They_Beat_Me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Holding up my right hand) why canโt you master bate with this hand?
Because itโs mine.
asdfaccounts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
--I'm learning to speak Orange! --You mean Mandarin? --Yeah... Mandarin....
It's just a dialogue you say with two different voices, but for some reason it never fails to make people laugh completely out of context.
presto_manifesto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to Buckwheat after he joined the Nation of Islam?
He became "Kareem of Wheat"
XD
XDDDDD
sweeetkiwi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the three holes in the ground that were filled with water?
Well, well, well.
Jakemartinov ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My therapist refused to keep seeing me after I explained why my best friend hated me. See, he caught me sniffing his little sisters panties. I put them back and apologized, but he kept going on all about how I'm "a sick piece of shit" and "why would you do that" and "you ruined her funeral"
Dougnifico ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
getawhatwhat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard my pizza joke? Oh never mind, itโs too cheesy. ๐ฅ
Alcohorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of the sand which is there.
BigAnt84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When people come up to me and say, "There's nothing worse than flying with a baby. Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane." I tell them they are wrong and that I disagree with them. I can give you four instances when flying with a baby was awesome... Although they were all on 9/11.
ใAnthony Jeselnik
Wutchutalkinboutwill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the frog cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken.
The_Abjectator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Too late to make an impact BUTT:
A proctologist suddenly stands up in a conference holding a thermometer and exclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
SavagePatchK1dz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense
02745 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Moviebuff182 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does moses make his tea Hebrews it
v0latilestargazer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you walk up behind a philosopher?
He becomes ari-startled.
matt_in_socal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a smart midget and an STD?
One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
Horricule ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Respond to a shocking statement with "just like my fanfiction!"
jayfmc888 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's two eggs boiling in a pan. One of them turns to the other and says "fucking hell it's hot in here isn't it?" The other one turns round and says "wait until you get outside and get your head bashed in!!"
Yiddishdick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? - Telling your parents you're gay
Shadowflashpatches2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the pollock who bought brand new snow tires?
They melted on the way home.
tf199280 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โFuck me rightโ
saxy_toss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you have to wonder how they got in the light bulb in the first place.
torzitron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Simba's dad die in the ravine? Because he didn't Mufasanuff.
littleusagi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a whore, a slut, and a housewife?
The whore goes, "harder, harder!"
The slut goes, "faster, faster!"
The housewife goes, "beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
mayflowerpenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my existence haha
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
MookieB88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
wivjammin
OfAllThatIsElfuego ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a doctor's office wrapped only in cellophane.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me."
"Yes, I can clearly see your nuts"
imahugealcoholic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
chapeepee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man books tickets to see his favorite band in concert. Heโs been saving up, and is really looking forward to going
He gets to the concert early and sits down in the front row. Not very many people are in the audience, but he hears someone behind him yell
โHey Mike!โ
He gets up and turns around to see who said it, but he doesnโt see anyone he knows. He sits down, kind of annoyed.
Later on, more people are starting to file in and he hears it again
โHey Mike!โ
He gets back up to look around and see who said it. He looks back and forth but still finds no one that he knows. He sits back down, even more annoyed.
Now, the band is about to come on, itโs a full house in the audience. He hears the call again
โHey Mike!โ
He furiously springs from his seat and yells back
โMy nameโs not Mike!โ
tylin50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two humpback whales are sitting at a bar enjoying Jack and cokes. The 1st whale smiles at the 2nd one and says: AAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHhhhh?
The 2nd whale looks him up and and down, and says with a look of utter disdain on his face: "deep breath -Mark, you're drunk."
badassgermexican ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why doesnt a chicken wear pants? cuz its pecker's on its head
Trickster_Tricks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two cupcakes in a bowl.
One cupcake says: "Blast, we're trapped in here."
The other cupcake says: "Oh my god! A talking cupcake!"
Also, what did Christopher Columbus say to his crew before they got on the ship?
"Get on the ship."
riotallstar7_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is it me or does it smell like up dog in here?
DJGlennW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad: If you don't stop that, you'll go blind. Son: I'm over here.
nestin09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke joke JOOOOOOOOOOOKE
rmunoz1994 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a priest and a zit?
A zit wonโt cum on your face til youโre 13.
thisispants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its' tit a lot.
oldthetiny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Person 1: โHave you heard the one about the man who stuck carrots in his ears?โ
Person 2: โnoโ
Person 1: โHe hasnโt eitherโ
kingRADi88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
"Fsh"
CAFoggy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and can't swim? An excavator.
gregorio02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cannibal that only eats disabled people ?
A vegetarian
SteakMeHome_Tonight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who likes fisting virgins?
I'll be the first to put my hand up.
Rahodess ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I donโt know how they got in there.
j0hnk50 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Eskimos do their laundry in Tide?
Because its too durn code out tide.
etaks10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
kronos1177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wife is in a coma. I say โ doc what am I going to do?โ Dr. tells me there are some progressive methods for treating it, but they are a little unconventional. He tells me... โoral sexโ.. I say ......... โdocโ......... so I go into the room to my wife. I come back out a few minutes later. I say โdoc, sheโs just chokingโ
SppokyJungleMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Descartes walks into a restaurant one evening. As he takes his place at a table, a waiter approaches and asks: โWould you like to try any of specials tonight, sir?โ Descartes responds: โI think notโ and promptly vanishes
junkybutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean. I wouldn't pay $500 to have a garbanzo bean on my face
TheTimpai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What'd the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding he hasn't opened the box yet.
I laugh every time.
colec11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you heard of the corduroy pillows?"
"They're making head-lines"
selloutco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know why Dublin's the biggest city in the world?
It just keeps Dublin and Dublin and Dublin...
Sandrooch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He's alright
djtoasty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For the more mature audiences:
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
Sooperboobertoober ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
chickpea and garbanzo bean...
-N3ptun3- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a wanted dwarf spiritualist? Small medium at large
mynamewasbeingused ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Cuban firefighter name his two twin sons?
Josรฉ and Hose-B
HotRocks66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was having sex with girlfriend and she said she wanted me to pretend she was a 10 year old
Witch doesnโt make Much sense because sheโll be 10 in like a month
Fatcheeseburger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYYYEEEE MATEY!
OrangeTabbyTwinSis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don't know, don't care
Monochromation_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A group of gays and a group of lesbians are having a race. Who wins?
The lesbiansโthey were done in a lick while the gays were still getting their shit packed.
No matter how many times I tell it, itโs a hit with my LGBTQ friends.
Luxuria555 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More of a pick up line. "Are you a camera? You make me smile."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a Jewish person has a low pH, does that make them Hasidic?
crickets
faint, awkward coughing
Reddits_on_ambien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Being Chinese, my favorite joke requires a Chinese accent--
A young woman had been trying to date for weeks, only to have the guys flake out or ghost her after getting intimate. She decided to go to her doctor to see if there was something wrong with something down "there". At the office, she sighs as she gets up when she hears, "Dr. Chang will see you now". She explains to Dr Chang that every time she tried to sleep with a date, they make some excuse and leave. Dr Chang tells her, "ho-kay, you taka off clothes then ton aroun and bend ova." The woman complies. Dr Chang says, "hmmm, ho-kay. You do tat again, onry this time you crawr forwad then backrards." She again complies. Dr Chang says, "I see now. You have X Ackaree disease." The concerned woman asks, "what's X Ackaree disease?!" Dr Chang says, "It's when your face rooks X Ackaree like your ass."
DBAinBama ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:34:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Had a boss come up to us on break one day, pointed in one if the new guy's face and said, "Boy you got that Ed Zachary disease... Your but looks like your face!" We laughed because he fucked up the joke so bad
SuburbanSwine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A Stick
Gcousin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about deaf people.
cracka-lackin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the magic tractor turn into?
A field
jsaavedr1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the woman cross the road?
That's beside the point, what the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?
OldWolf2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you take a dump at a Beatles concert? There's no john
bam2carve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you heared the joke about the tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue?"
"A tuna can tune a piano but a piano cant tune a tuna"
Other person says "what about the glue?"
"I knew you would get stuck on that" i say back
buildingdreams4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says something about my mom...i respond with "i dont have a mom, me and my dad share yours"
v95glt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: "What's the difference between an apple and an orange?"
A:" A tricycle because a vest has no sleeves."
DBAinBama ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:29:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wtf
adurga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call meat falling from the sky?
A MEATeor!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:37 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually the name of a BBQ meat feast pizza in Domino's now :P
alphanurd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. He said ouch.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
It's very late, but these are the ones I could remember.
PensiveHandkerchief ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I go to a Christian college so this one kills:
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roman Catholic
kreich1990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs actually a set of three jokes:
What do you call a cow with two legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Whatever the fuck you, itโs still not going to come.
StillwaterBlue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen on a lawn and one says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"
thedarkthor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Went to the library to check out a book on suicide.
"Fuck off," said the librarian, "you'll never bring it back."
FuriKuriFan4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? Trick question, they screw in puddles of vomit!
j0324ch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you it when an elephant and a rhino cross breed?
Yeah, 'Ell if I know.
ClipClopHands ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between beernuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are 1.79 and deer nuts are under a buck.
NiceGuyJoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Spell most.
M-O-S-T
Spell coast
C-O-A-S-T
Spell roast
R-O-A-S-T
What do you put in a toaster?
Toast!
Kills 30 second graders every time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think that's a crime
NiceGuyJoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:10 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No survivors=no witnesses
SadSquatch420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Be prepared for all of these to be reposted on r/jokes
bzzinthetrap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nun lost in the woods?
A roaminโ Catholic
ReallyDrunkPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever i buy a case of beer at the liquor store and the clerk says have a good night I always hold up my case and say "oh i will"
Never fails to get a laugh
BardsApprentice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
RIP my โsaved commentsโ box.
roghozin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I just go on tangent rants and Norm Macdonald it all the way albeit horribly, but it sure does break the ice with an interesting story that gets them asking
Spartacats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wish you all peace and good wills written by your relatives.
Marioatc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two cows playing poker on top of the empire State building?
high stakes
DerekStrickland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen one of those videos where it starts on something really small and zooms out? I saw one he other day that started in on like an ant moving a crumb across a parking lot. And then it zoomed out to a bird hopping by and eating the ant and flying away. And while it was flying away it panned to a squirrel running across the road and then the camera began following a car. It zoomed out to a highway, and then a city, and then a country, and then the continent, and then the world, and then the solar system, and then the collection of solar systems, and it just keeps zooming out further and further and further and then the screen is black and it pans to a picture of Jesus and under it says โDonโt masturbate.โ
ButtVader ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life
Braycali ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a veterinarian in the house?
omar501st ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
85% of men say they masturbation Proving that 15% are liars.
blazeitben ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the kidnapping?
He woke up.
Koush888 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a zoo yesterday and they only had one animal.
It was a shih tzu.
Lady_Picard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"How are you doing?"
"I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I am a bicycle"
"???"
"I'm too tired"
dirtmerchant1980 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. He has the ships wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. Bartender says โthat doesnโt look very comfortable.โ Pirate responds โYarrr, itโs drivinโ me nutsโ
yhvh83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
TL:DR
Whats the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
And
What do you get when you stab a dead baby with a knife ?
A erection.
Also -
What do you call a cow missing a leg?
-Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
-Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs ?
-Your mom
These are how I pick my friends and mortal enemies.
Canofsummer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anything that isn't related to an elephant is irrelphant.
techhit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard about the guy with 5 penises?
His underwear fits like a glove.
Source
jespoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is waiting on the bus. Then the driver yells: "GET OFF!"
jespoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It works better in many other languages than English, because then "get off" can't be understood as "get out of the bus" to ruin the joke.
FormerlyPhat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. What kind of bees make milk.
A. Boobies.
Kri1iKaL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend keeps writing in her diary that I'm nosy.
samirillion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVcpB0r2LJQ
rbourbon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
jltime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to know the difference between a gymnast and a stripper? A gymnast thrills with cunning stunts... (and then you trail off and if they donโt get it then it sucks to be them.) (Also as much as I love telling it itโs very stressful and you have to say it very slowly)
Kri1iKaL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late so often that if I were a woman, I would have 9 kids by now.
golfslave1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At night rave near the guards compartment naked with a blue light...
I guess you had to be there
Leobiosoul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Twss
jennyroohr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One of the muffins says to the other "it's getting hot in here" and the other says "holy shit a talking muffin!"
Edit: idk what happened
dope_user_name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you cut a tiny pizza with?
Little scissors.
CookiePush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
various setups: woman in the surf at beach loses bikini top a small boy looking on begins to approach she sees him and stays in the water, clasping her breasts with arms crossed boy yells from shore: "Don't drown those puppies!! I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
purelife70 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
We have a running joke at work, Someone would say "I've never see one that small before" then can you say "I heard that once". Or "one more millimiter and it would touch the bottom"..."I heard that once".
It all started when one guy said he was wrong, and someone else said "I was wrong once". Once you get the hang of it you can pretty much say it all day long.
You can laugh at yourself of laugh at others depending how you word it.
AgentSkidMarks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. (Contextual of course)
Skellingtoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is my 'go to' dirty joke, so very much NSFW:
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A Quarter-Pounder with cheese.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
me
dead5hane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third ducked.
Guernic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos
frog_without_a_cause ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yo' momma.
Ignatiuszigmund ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a Camaro and an erection? I donโt have a Camaro.
Controlled01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A boy and his father are walking together when the boy asks,
"Dad, what's the difference between confidence and confidential?"
The man looks at his son for a moment and replies,
"Well son, you are my son. In that you can have confidence. Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, and that is confidential."
BlubirdHawk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
mac2810 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually bust this one out during a lul in the conversation: "So, you guys got a myspace?"
5corn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Saved for Ron
FightStickFightClub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two turtles in a bathtub, and they're making turtle soup. One turns to the other, and says, "Hey, can you pass the salt?" The other one turns, and says, "What do I look like, a typewriter!?"
Falcon176 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly by the sea?
Because if they flew by the bay, they would would be bagels (baygulls)!
Do_You_Really_Know ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the peanut?
It was a salted... cue hysterical laughing every time
corbie157 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My psychiatrist said I suffer from narcissism, I was like, "Suffer?" My Psychiatrist thinks I'm a kleptomaniac, I read it in his book when i got home.
tree5eat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two birds were sitting on a perch. One bird says to the other, โcan you smell fishโ?
TypicalPanic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did I tell you about my step ladder? I never knew my real one.
CapJLay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
OoCHePH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Knock knock -whoโs there -can I come inside?
IWearBones138 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when an elephant comes in your room?
Swim.
(Comes=cums) Everyone gets it the second time.
mllambchops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Knock Knock (Who's there?) Not Sally
crazyshake123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
Your mom canโt take a joke.
cyberdynespambot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hippies donโt screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a filthy sleeping bag.
r3maker_youtube ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and looks out the window
A poo on stilts
Callumda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because heโs not the full essay
klonricket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Guinness and a mop.
its_42_all_right ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
All your jokes are belong to me! muhuhahaha
Nezumiiii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"
Arkose07 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Watch for the top ones to be posted on r/jokes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
sillylittlegrin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want to know the secret to catching a tiger? Dig a hole in the ground and fill it with wood ash. Line the rim of the hole with fresh or frozen peas.
When the tiger stops to take pea, you have to kick it in the ash hole.
u60n0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"My dad used to beat me as a kid, and he would say 'Look [u60n0] , I don't want to hurt you - this is the only thing that gets me hard'" - Dave Attell
Casually dropping this one in a room of friends or coworkers never fails to get slack jaws and an occasional "oh my god". Love me some good shock humor
jaronbrandon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
'An Irishman walks out of a bar.'
Alternately...
'An Irishman walks into a bar. He says Ow!'
VanGarrett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When you're out walking around and you need to fart, wait until you're walking by the restroom. That way, if somebody smells it, they think they know why.
HeadsUpSeven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When growing up my mom was always like, "HeadsUpSeven why can't you be more like the kids next door?!"
"Mom, we live next to an abortion clinic!?!"
Scarface6342 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of the chinese godfather?
He made his enemies an offer they couldn't understand.
rolo_tomassi87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen in a field and one says to the other
โCan you smell carrots?โ
bigbonerdaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there walls around a cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in!
CySurflex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT:
Most people are only willing to read 3 lines to get a laugh.
GA2020 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
French antique rifle for sale. Never fired, dropped once.
biergutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you feel about the lakers this season? I dunno, I'm not a very big fan of baseball.
svecer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy goes into a hotel with his family.
Man: I want the minibar removed because I don't drink. Also, I hope the porn is disabled.
Man behind desk: I can remove the minibar, but our porn is regular, you sick fuck.
Symbiotic_relation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Divorced Mom and Dad : " we love you son"
Jk
Cascadian-J ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The mirror...
Sunny_California_Sky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Michael Jackson like about 26 year olds? There are 20 of them.
aizapata99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dishes" "Dishes who" "Dishes a really bad joke"
That_one_guy_u-know ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the 13 year old watch the pirate movie?
Because it was rated Rrr. It's from SpongeBob
mspax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman is speeding through the countryside knowing there's no one around. As she's crossing over a bridge she's caught by a police officer with a radar gun. The officer catches up to her and pulls her over.
Officer: You were going pretty fast back there. There some kind of emergency? Woman: Yes, I'm a doctor. Officer: What kind? Woman: I'm an asshole stretcher. Officer: What exactly do you do for your patients? Woman: We start out with a 2 inch spacer and work our way up to about 6 feet . Officer: And what exactly are you supposed to do with a 6 foot asshole? Woman: I suppose you could put him at the end of a bridge in the countryside with a radar gun.
Fedorito_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two pizza's are baking in an oven. One says to the other: "it's hot here, isn't it?". The other pizza replies: "Hol up, a talking pizza?"
mrkyle77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
gforcebreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A hunter sat beside a fire telling stories to a group of doe eyed youth, "the bear came at me and nearly squeezed the life out of me till i dropped my gun, he then proceeded to bend down, pick it up, and point it into my back" there was an audible gasp "what did you do?" the audience asked, enthralled, "what could I do, I married his daughter"
JustMarshalling ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Some people call me condescending.
Then slowly say "That means I talk down to people."
l0RD-ZUKO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato?
A dictator
beepbeepsputnik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I gave an Indian some good advice the other day, he said "can I quote you on that?" I said sure. So he gave me his best price....
sputnikutah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:16:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm just saying, but your joke is bad", i agreed and said "Well, that's your 2 cents bub."
gottigboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get Pikachu on to a bus?
POKE HIM ON
1105816 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm not fat, Iโm flabulous pinches my excess arm fat
AstroAce96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs this crazy guy named Babaloo, he lives in a town called Babaloo, all he can say is Babaloo, and he takes a job at a grocery store.
One day, an old lady comes in and asks, โHow much are these apples?โ He replies, โBabalooโ because all he can say is Babaloo. So his manager comes out and says, โNo youโre supposed to say โOnly 25 cents!โ okay?โ
The next day the old lady comes back and asks, โHow fresh are these apples?โ He replies, โBabalooโ because all he can say is Babaloo. So his manager comes out and says, โNo youโre supposed to say โJust came in yesterday!โ okay?โ
The next day the old lady comes back and asks, โCan I buy these apples?โ He replies, โBabalooโ because all he can say is Babaloo. So his manager comes out and says, โNo youโre supposed to say โSure! If not today then maybe tomorrow!โ okay?โ
The next day a robber comes in and asks, โHow much money is in that register?โ To which Babaloo replies, โOnly 25 cents!โ
Robber: โYou trying to be fresh with me?โ
Babaloo: โJust came in yesterday!โ
Robber: โIโm gonna kill you, you smart ass!โ
Babaloo: โSure! If not today then maybe tomorrow!โ
Fin
C3POH66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender turns around to serve him and realizes that the pirate has a steering wheel where his crotch should be. The bartender asks:
โHey is that thing bothering you?โ
The pirate replies,
โAaaargh! Itโs driving me nuts!โ
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:56:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
C3POH66 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Good bot.
ivolimmen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Something only a Dutch person would understand: translate to English and say out loud: "ik geef mijn varken een vogel". The person would say "I give my pig a bird". And that is correct but would sound in Dutch: "I give my dick a handjob"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I often half-joke that I've watched too much Stand Up to be offended.
If that counts lol..
beginner_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What is the difference between an bird and an airplane?"
"???"
"The bird doesn't have any windows."
Pretty much the only child-safe joke I know.
frozannebarfff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap shorts. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says โWell, I can CLEARLY see ur nuts.โ
whywouldntim8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life.
b_lawless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Im a medical student and when I use hand sanitizer I go:โmm smells like momโ Most people get it and start laughing but it happened once or twice that people just go totally quiet, which in a way is even more funny
The_Grey_Doge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders
LickthePickle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How is eating pussy like being in the mafia? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
s_M_e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesnโt matter... he wonโt come to you.
The_Grey_Doge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black girl with braces? Black n Decker Pecker Wrecker
TechnoMach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind kid with no friends?
It's usually the setup that makes them laugh, but for those wondering, you call them peerless
Zavante ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Velcro - what a rip off.
Catroinerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you cynical or are you ignorant?
I don't know and I don't care.
humbl314159 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common??? They always wanna crack open a cold one.
humbl314159 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That's my go to joke for AA.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a panda use to cook with?
A pan duh!
Catroinerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Pass_the_eggs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thereโs no โIโ in team. I learned that the hard way during a game of scrabble.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get rid of a group of clowns?
Go for the Juggler.
s3xydud3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen Stevie Wonderโs new piano? โNo.โ Neither has he.
Followed by: Whoโs the stingiest guy in the Bible? Titus.
long_tyme_lurker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 3 people in space: an American, a Russian, and a Mexican. The American and the Russian are arguing about which country has contributed more to space exploration. "We were first in space!" says the Russian. "We were first on the moon!" says the American. After a while they turn to the Mexican astronaut and ask, "And what has Mexico done?" in a mocking tone and laughing. The Mexican calmly replies, "We've got something big planned: we are going to land on the sun." The American and Russian laugh hysterically and ask, "Oh yea? How are you gonna do that? The sun is incredibly hot!" The Mexican astronaut replies, "Easy. We are gonna do it at night when its cooler."
Nrocekans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking in the park the other day and someone ran up to me and threw sodium chloride in my face... That's assault.
BigPapaKenpo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
-Steven Wright- โI was driving down the freeway and saw a sign that read โnext rest stop 24 miles,โ and I thought โwow thatโs pretty big.โ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?
Names
SwiftPardoner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The worst thing about my family reunions is having to deal with all my exes at once.
yellowlace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the astronauts need to do before they had a party on Mars?
Planet
Emperor_Cartagia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My kids favorite joke:
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Boy, its sure getting hot in here." The second muffin looks at the first and says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Sacrontine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I stopped believing in God when I saw that the church used lightning rods."
OnlinePosterPerson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I started saving comments one by one until I saved the whole goddamn thread
TarrRrd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the last thing that goes through a flies head as it crashes into a brand new [insert nice car here]?
It's ass
coffee-mugger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My maths teacher said I was average. How mean!
tiniful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your face though...
securityskunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the baby strawberry upset?
Because his mom was in a jam!
monkeypuckey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between A five year old child and a baggy of cocaine?
Eric Clapton would never let a baggy of cocaine fly out of a window!
Itโs a tasteless, cruel joke, but itโs hilarious!
jtanders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man wakes up from surgery.
Man: doctor doctor, I canโt feel my feet!
Doctor: of course not, I amputated your arms.
Saint_Edelweiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No soap, radio.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's the definition of Jell-O?
Kool-Aid with a hard-on.
mrnoobdude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know there are more crashed planes in the ocean then there is submarines in the sky?
riverrapter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
skippystew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do u call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do u call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Yo mama.
Chel250bigbutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on him.
Vesimelon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a priest that practices law?
Father in law.
lockjawfilibuster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I really hate Russian nesting dolls. They are so full of themselves.
satori0320 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with his pencil...
DiMonen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When asked if I want to/am going to do something.
I'd love to, just not as much as I'd love not to.
zrkrehbiel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys fall out of an airplane. Two hit an island, one falls in the ocean. budum tsss
lockjawfilibuster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes about abortion bring out the kid in me.
Mr_B_real_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel down the stairs and ravioli on me. Always makes me laugh.
PetePlaysBass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two monkeys are sat in the bath. One says โooo oOOOo AHH AHHH AHHH!โ
The other says โwell put some cold in thenโ.
Regalaus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers always dive in backwards?
Because If they dove in face forward theyโd still be in the boat
SteveTheCatNut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
twizzlytwit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Smells like carrots.
ltshep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have 2 that are always crowd pleasers.
1: So there are 3 guys that are bored after a rainy day. Theyโre trying to figure out what to do, and one of them recommends a brick throwing contest. Theyโd each grab a brick from the pile next to them and throw it into the air, and the further it sunk into the wet ground, the higher it went. They all agree. So, the first guy steps up, readies himself, and flings the brick in the air. It goes up, and then falls into the mud, sinking half itsโ length down. The second guy steps up, gets in a throwing stance, and chucks it upward. It goes up, and then falls into the mud, sinking itsโ entire length down. Then the last guy steps up, really prepares himself, and just launches that brick into the air.
And it doesnโt come down.
โโ-
2: This lady wants to go visit her mother for the holidays. But her mother wants her to take her parrot too. The lady checks online, and all she can find is tickets on a no-smoking and no-parrot airline. She doesnโt want to disappoint her mom, so she decides to hide the parrot under her jacket and pretend that sheโs pregnant. On-board and in the air, the pilot comes out to check on the passengers. He walks down smoking this huge cigar, puffing it as he greets everyone. He finally gets to the lady and asks how sheโs doing and how the flight is going for her. She quickly answers โEverythingโs fine.โ Hoping heโll leave quickly. But before he does, the parrot speaks. โBrawk Polly-wanna-cracker.โ The pilot asks โWhat was that?โ The lady tells him โNothing! It was nothing.โ But the parrot speaks again. โBrawk Pretty bird.โ The pilot reaches under her jacket and says โYouโre not supposed to have this on here! This is a no parrot airline!โ And throws the parrot out the window. The lady, horrified and angered, grabs the pilotโs cigar and says โWell this is also a no smoking airline! You canโt have this!โ And throws the cigar out the window. Theyโre both mad and the pilot storms off to the cabin. He sits down and suddenly hears a tapping on the window. He looks up and sees the parrot. And youโll never guess what was in itsโ mouth.
The brick.
RuneScape_MajorEar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell them my 10 year plan.
-PKA- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
Only takes one nail to hang a painting
Elgarim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about "never-fail" but it does produce grunts and sighs, maybe because it is in simple german....at least partly..
- Mein auto is sehr schnell!
- Waroom? (with handmotion of a car speeding of and followed with a swoosh sound)
bucketbiff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and see's a very attractove women sat alone at the bar. He walks over to her and introduces himself.." hi.." he says. "i'm bond.."
"james bond? " she replies...
"no...unibond..he says.."i'm here to fill your crack.."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One laughs and says "Hehehe, I fucked your mother". The other guy says "Go home, dad, you're drunk".
holjol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't owls go on dates when it's raining?
Because it's too wet to woo!
AintScaredToDie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"knock knock"
"who's there?"
"a poodamash"
...
soldmyblood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
5 out 4 people can't do ratio's
Hallucinojelly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a knife that likes to fork?
Slutlery
HOTSTracer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
LazyOwl23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are talking.
First guy: "Do you ever talk to your wife after having sex?" Second guy: "Only when the phone is near"
Ckuefler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your face.
cugghiune ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Difference among motorbike and WC? On the first you want to sit on it to run, on the second you want to run ti sit on it
fuzzymanboob12321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
OP is just looking for some free karma.
Commenters beware
kolonyal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
true story:
A man went to work abroad. Gypsies saw that nobody came to his house for a long period of time so they took it down and sold whatever could be sold. His neighbour saw the demolished house, so he figured he could make a cornfield on that guy's land. The guy returns and cannot find his house, but instead he has a cornfield. He posts this story on facebook, and a guy comments: " Well now at least he has a cornfield "
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M LAUGHING, It's such a terrible joke told by my stupid friend but everytime I say it i cannot stop laughing.
RestlessAstronaut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I still like the dyslexia ones,
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
They bought a warehouse.
russertue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man sits in a bar when a horse walks in. The horse, in fluent English, asks for a scotch and soda, drinks it and then leaves. "That was weird", says the man to the bartender. "Sure was", the bartender replies. "He usually goes for beer"
zitterbart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sticky?
*awkward silence* *howgross* *dude*
A Stick !
along the same line:
Have you heard of the movie Constipated?
... No? It hasnt come out yet.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
Oneโs a crusty bus station, the otherโs a busty crustacean.
scamperly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You can't explain puns to a kleptomaniac. They take things, literally.
sunnivapeach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Cause he kneaded a poo.
(Works better orally as it sounds like "needed" obviously)
CallMeMrPeaches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one works better out loud but: "What be a pirate's favorite letarrrr?"
(I've never had someone answer anything but the I-know-there's-more-to-this-but-can't-place-it "R?")
"Aye! Ye'd think it'd be R, but a pirate's true love be tha sea."
ydoihavetopickaname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Okay so I was really high but.
A: โKnock knockโ B: โWhoโs there?โ A: โA pizzaโ B: โA pizza who?โ A: โA piece of deez nuts!โ
I hate myself for laughing at it every time but I will always tell it.
thefabulousbomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One I stole from my brother: What do you call a wrestling match between two mexicanโs? Jaun on Jaun
Or alternatively: Whatโs the difference between a hippo & a zippo? Oneโs really heavy, the otherโs a little lighter
I_SNORT_COCAINE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how do you stop a dog from humping your leg?... Pick it up and suck its dick.
perfectdaze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Seven dwarves were all having a bath and feeling happy. So Happy got out.
dirtdivr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky??
A stick.
PinkmanPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A young boy in Auschwitz asks one of the guards where is father is. In response the guard puts his finger in the air and answers: "Given this wind, probably over Moscow already."
thevoidseer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
i was driving in my car going down i-4 and there was an advertisement for boardwalk burgers, which is like this little shitty burger spot where like homeless people i guess just throw them on a grill or something and the sign said "come try the new boardwalk burgers" and i saw it out of the corner of my eyes and i was like boardwalk burgers, more like bored burgers, cuz the bored burgers aren't having any fun, and i loved it. it was my favorite joke i've ever told.
LuxuriousThrowAway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 number are taking a bubble bath. One says, "wheres the soap". The other replied, "yes, it does."
gohawkstwelve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
MastuhShake574 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Bunjmeister83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the toadstool that wasn't allowed in the nightclub?
There wasn't mushroom. It was a shame, cos he was a funghi.
Only really works when it's spoken though
Whisker_dan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.
BlueCommunistCorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Norwegian Ships have barcodes on the sides?
So they can Scandanavian.
SailorDeath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages were frying in a pan, one turned to the other and said, "It sure is hot in here isn't it." The other sausage exclaimed, "Holy shit a talking sausage!"
nozzle83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
Zburk49 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts are walking down a sidewalk; one was a salted (assaulted).
WorkAccountNoNSFWPls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a cat joke? Just kitten!
It works whether they say yes or no. Heard back in 2012 when someone kept doing it in the CoD Lobby
many_pumpkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You just follow the fresh prints.
Steinsemmel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โOne a day ama going to Malta to picka โotel. In da morning I goa down to eata da breakfast. I tella da waitress โI wanna 2 pieces of toast.โ She bringsa only 1 piece. I tell her โI want 2 piece.โ She tells me to go to the toilet. I say โyou no understand, I wanna 2 piece on my plate!โ She say โyou better not piece on the plate, you soon of a beech!โ I donโt even know the lady, an she call me a soon of a beech! Later I go to eat at a the biggera restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, buta no fork. I tell her โI wanna the fork!โ She tell me โeverybody wanna fork!โ I tell her โyou no understand. I wanna fork on the table.โ She say โyou bettera not fork on the table you soon of a beech. I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and say โI wanna sheet!โ He tells me to go to the toilet. I say โyou no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed.โ He says โyou bettera not sheet on the bed, you soon of a beech!โ I go down to a checkout and the man at the desk saya โpeace on you!โ I saya โpeace on you too, you soon of a beech!โ Iโma going backa to Italia!
jatheblac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a racist because I like to drive fast
nickm95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old lady fall in the well?
She couldn't see that well
thisamericanliver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I spend hours on Reddit weekly waiting for comment threads like this
yoop55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair
jursla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
โEmma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.โ
The lady canโt take this any more.
โYou foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!โ she retorted indignantly.
โIn this country we donโt speak aloud in public places about our sex livesโ
โHey, coola down ladyโ said the man.
โWho talkinโ abouta sex? Iโm a justa tellinโ my frienda how to spell Mississippiโ
yeboibbj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Later on r/Jokes
Banana_Pants80085 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Neutron walks in a bar and asks "how much for a drink?"
Bartender replies "for you no charge."
zyzzyva17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like people would be eager to laugh at this just to prove they understood the joke
NDY_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like how no jokes in the thread made me even smile
smellslikefeetinhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar together and take a seat at the counter. "I'll take two beers," the man says, sliding one over to the giraffe. Both sit in silence as they quickly down their drinks, then the man orders another two. This continues for a while, until both man and giraffe are completely sloshed and the bartender finally cuts them off.
Their night at an end, the man drunkenly reaches into his back pocket, whips out his wallet, and slams a stack of bills down on the counter. He staggers a little, but manages to get down off the stool without incident. The giraffe, however, immediately falls to the floor, flat on his face, unconscious.
"Hey!" the bartender shouts at the man just before he reaches the exit. "You can't just leave that lyin' here!"
The man stumbles as he turns back around to motion at his fallen companion, slurring, "That's no lion, that's a giraffe."
Wideload80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because be kneaded a jobby*
*or shit, if you're not Scottish.
usethebacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the best way to give a woman an orgasm?"
Let people start guessing, "Nope", "Try again", etc.
And before they lose interest you tell them the secret: "Who gives a shit".
Lazard_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT : Brown and sticky sticks
jeffsteez__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many ADHD children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hey, you wanna go ride bikes?
Sharkuar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What color is a burp? Burple
VinCheezel69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who was the roundest Knight of King Arthur's table?
Sir Cumference
avgguy33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Before or after Racist jokes were allowed ?
jolantis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get of you mix a cow and an Arab? A milkshake
TalonTrax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I've told you once, I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.
mavrik97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan.
andingreaternumbers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You donโt know?
Thatโs because you werenโt there man.
g_yotch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In his sleevies
Sithoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A group of Nazi spies get dropped off in England. A nasty storm happens, and all of them get lost in the sea. The last surviving spy crawls on the shore, takes his parachute off and starts limping under the rain. The mission can wait, all he can think of is getting warm and dry and some rest-- when suddenly he sees an orange light uphill.
He limps there, and it's a pub! Dry and warm and cozy, with a lit fireplace. He walks in, shivering, and asks a bartender:
'W-w-whiskey, please'
'Dry?'
'Nicht, zwei'
Mighty72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a joke but a story about when I went to Tijuana Mexico on Thanksgiving back in -94. Loots of beer and tequila, transgender prostitutes and me desperately needing to take a shit.
lumi-nous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's this church that's really old and the paint is all gone. So the owners just ask some guys that are friends of a friend to give it a fresh coat. They hand the guys the money and send them off to get some paint. But when the workers got to the paint store, they realized that they could just buy half the amount needed and dilute it so it'll cover the whole building, then pocket the money left over.
So they do that, and they paint the church, but when they step back to admire their hard work, a thunderstorm starts up. Lightning cracks, rain pours, and a voice booms down, "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint and thin no more!"
Cryptobioticman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โWhat is the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?โ
โEveryone can mash potatoesโ
sigh_idk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call someone who is agnostic, dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
heelnice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one and only failproof joke:
Ask (in any situation):
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? - Ones really heavy, and the other's a little lighter
Good luck with being a funny man at barbeques and hostels
Moald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why'd the man break his leg? Because this is a lame joke."
trippythehippie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the condom fly across the room?Because it was pissed off.
PTThat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Its not gay if its a 3 way.
Loekertje ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How would you call the iPhone SE (10th edition)
1: iPhone SE X 2: iPhone SE ten
blackmonday73 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into his son's room
He says "Son, that will cause blindness"
His son says "But, dad...
I'm over here!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/jokes is leaking.
Earthling98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
U/globymike just made a tinder account
cowmeleon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just saying kinky after something that's not meant to be sexual but could be taken that way
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life!
SpotMeBrenno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman runs into a police station shouting "help! Help! I've been graped!" The officer on duty replies, "don't you mean raped?" To which the woman says, "no, there was a bunch of them."
what_tf_is_juice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Why is it difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Typical response: Because they have short arms hardy har har.
Me: No it's because they're extinct.
koningVDzee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly but a fly can't mosquito.
Works better in dutch.
Nulono ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cigarettes are like hamsters: perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
JerHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This oneโs kind of long, and I remember my mom telling it to my uncle when I was little, and they both lost their shit at the end, and I had no idea until my mom told me the joke again when I got older. Itโs kind of a story and you have to ask who youโre telling it to what the moral of the story is, and when they have no idea you tell them, everyone cracks up. So here goes:
There are two flies sitting on top of a hill by a pond. One fly says to the other, Iโm gonna fly down and get a drink of water, and the other fly says, I think you ought to.
There are two fish in the pond, one says to the other, When that fly comes down for a drink of water, Iโm gonna jump up and eat that fly. The other fish says, I think you ought to.
There are two bears sitting in the woods next to the pond. One bear says to the other, when that fly comes down for a drink of water, and that fish jumps out to eat that fly, Iโm gonna run out and eat that fish. The other bear says, I think you ought to.
There are two hunters a little deeper in the woods. One hunter says to the other, when the fly comes down to get a drink of water, and that fish jumps up to eat the fly, and the bear comes out to eat that fish, Iโm gonna climb up this tree to shoot that bear. The other hunter says, I think you ought to.
There are two mice in the woods, one mouse says to the other, when that fly comes down to get a drink of water and that fish jumps up to eat that fly and the bear comes out to eat that fish, and the hunter climbs up that tree to shoot the bear, that cheese sandwich in his pocket will fall out, and Iโm gonna scurry over to get that cheese sandwich. The other mouse says, I think you ought to.
A few yards away there are two pussy cats, one pussy cat says to the other, when that fly flies down to get a drink of water, and that fish jumps up to eat that fly, and that bear comes out to eat that fish, and that hunter climbs up that tree to shoot that bear, and the mouse scurries over to get that cheese sandwich, Iโm gonna go catch that mouse. The other pussy cat says, I think you ought to.
So this whole scene plays out. The fly comes down to get a drink of water, the fish jumps up and eats that fly, the bear hurries out from the woods and eats that fish, the hunter climbs the tree to shoot that bear, the cheese sandwich falls out of his pocket, the mouse scurries over to get the cheese sandwich, but the pussy cat gets so excited, it totally overshoots the mouse, comes tumbling out of the woods, splashing straight in to the pond.
Moral of the story? When the fly comes down, the pussy gets wet.
jimmwhy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
saying โyou know what I meanโ an uncomfortable amount of times while having a normal/casual conversation until it becomes funny
Doofinx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee chord?
My ass.
lookingforalma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man loses his eye in a work accident. He only works 35 hour weeks, so he doesnโt have health insurance. His doctor presents him with a choice: a cheap wooden eye, a nicer porcelain eye, and a beautiful glass eye. Our friend, however, can only afford the wooden eye.
He sees himself in the mirror with his new prosthetic eye and immediately hates it. Heโs horribly self-conscious. Retreats into his home, becomes a hermit for years until some old friends drag him out for a night on the town.
Heโs miserable and complaining, standing in this discotheque, when - he sees her! Sheโs stunning! Sheโs the woman of his dreams! AND SHEโS BALD! Surely she understands his inner emotional turmoil! He finishes his liquid courage and walks up to her and asks if sheโd like to dance. Her face lights up with delight. โWould I? Would I?โ she repeats.
He throws his glass down at her feet and storms away, but not before he shouts โBALDY! BALDY!โ in her face.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I once picked up a hitchhiker. You get to when you hit them over the head.
sputnikutah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a hero and a zero?
With numbers in front of a hero, you can expect casualties.
With numbers in front of a zero you can expect a party!
Rooftrollin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a kid and a prostitute?
I don't know, what?
You sick fuck.
Teners1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As I stood in the queue at the post office and realised I had slowly started pissed myself, I could only think: "You're in trouble".
hltlang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with large breasts?
One a crusty bus station and the otherโs a busty crustacean.
mczeako ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people who understand jokes about binary.
Those who do. And those who don't.
WindsorMeow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his clothes? Bleeeaaaaach!
CrispyVan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mine's pretty harsh, but here it goes: I didn't feel like suiciding, but it was worth to give it a shot. (OC btw)
eaterofsoups ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a midget psychic that escapes from jail? A small medium at large.
NoMansKitteh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to an atm to check my balance, and I fell.
HollowPointJacket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually just walk into the room
project2501a ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:05:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Greatest joke in Europe?
Margaret Thatcher!
DrNathanBryce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dictator
VisionsOfClarity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
zombieiain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the puma get on so well with other pumas?
He had a good sense of puma.
Sintanan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:07:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know the difference between a fairy tale and a fish story?
small hand flip as if minor pantomime of sweeping hand gesture A fairy tale begins with "Once upon a time," and...
lean forward, bring second hand up, slight head tilt ...a fish story begins with...
hands separate to about shoulder width and smirk ...no shit it was this big.
DanteVamin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:07:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes into a watch shop and says, "I'd like to buy a watch, please." The assistant asks, "Analog?" "No, just a watch."
OR
I went to the video rentals shop and said, "I'd like to borrow Batman Forever." The man says, "No, you have to bring it back tomorrow."
j-dewitt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:07:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer that can't see? "No eye deer" (no idea, with an east-coast accent)
What do you call a deer that can't see and can't move? "Still no idea".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mom is driving her minivan down a road with her 6-year-old daughter in the back seat.
Suddenly, the car in front of her hits a bump, the trunk flies open, and a dildo is catapulted out... smacking against her windshield.
Taken aback, the mom is a bit flustered. Her daughter asks, โMom, what was that?!โ
She recovers just in time... โJust a bug, honey,โ she replies.
Silence from the backseat for a moment. Then,
โWell that bug sure had a big dick.โ
bee_rii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
whatisthisthis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.
rorydg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Batman like a Scouser?
Can't go out without Robin.
whatisthisthis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
Hayyyyyyyy
jackgilly12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
pharakhos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you call your dog without legs?
Doesn't really matter anyway, if you call it's name, it won't come.
And the follow up.
Where do you find a dog without legs? Where you left it offcourse
wuzzywezzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's this big worldwide search for the next CEO of the biggest company on earth. In the final stage of the interview, only four people remain. An American, a Japanese, an Australian, and a Filipino.
The final interview question from the board of directors is this: "What is the fastest thing in the universe?"
American: "An idea! Just thinking about something gives you an idea"
The board nods in agreement.
Japanese: "Blink of an eye! Like the saying goes, gone in a blink of an eye."
The board nods in agreement.
Australian: "Easy peasy mate. It's light! Nothing can beat the speed of light!"
The board nods in agreement.
And finally the Filipino: "Diarrhea, sir."
The board was dumbfounded and laughter broke inside the room. They then asked "Can you please explain why Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the universe?"
"Sir, last week I had diarrhea and before I can think, blink, or turn on the light, I already shit myself"
:)
dickiebow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love kids... can't eat a whole one though.
ShitYourLegOff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender
m1ndcr1me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales walk into a bar.
โWhatโll it be?โ Says the bartender.
The first whale says, โByoooOOOOooooyyyoooooeeeeeuuuuhhhhhooooooyyyyyโ!
The second whale says, โOh, shut up Bruce, youโre drunk!โ
arabidopsis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I have the heart of a lion, and a life-time ban from the zoo"
icelollies76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots were sat on a perch- one says to the the other โcan you smell fish?โ
Lunarus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The foods great, but there's no atmosphere!
Cloesly followed by:
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the Fresh Prince.
pattybutty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots are sat on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish?"
RalphyMays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar the third one ducks.
nikefreak23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Love this thread ๐
BonerGolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was โin-tentsโ
NeedsMoreGoatYell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 school friends named Sheit, Shudup and Manners were playing ball, the ball rolled onto the road where Sheit ran to grab it. Sheit was hit by a car, sprawled in pain, Manners came to his aid and told Shudup to get help.
After running for a couple of blocks, Shudup found a police officer and began pleading for help, the police officer trying to calm the crying boy came down to his level and said "son, take a breath, now what is your name?", "Shudup" replied the boy, the police man dumbfounded asked again receiving the same response multiple times began to become increasingly annoyed, "BOY! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS!", "Down the road picking up Sheit......"
johnseeeena ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 jews walk into a bar............. MITZVAH
Joranhagen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like r/jokes has some "new" content now
the_worst_dog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.
a23113 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
college
claudioSMRun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love the joke of king henry thr 8th.
Willlll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I'd never pay to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
lotamole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
It's actually "whom"
TheUnofficialBae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't fuckin matter, it's not gonna come to you anyways
Wigglesworth47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy goes to the doctor for a check up, after the routine the doctor says to the the man "ok sir we're all done, I just need some samples of your stool, urine, and semen." To which the guy responds "you know what doc I've got busy day ahead of me, how about I just leave you my underwear?"
Palarus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men die and go to hell. In there, the devil says: "Well, today I'm in a good mood, so let's spice things a little bit. Tell me a riddle I can't answer and you'll go to heaven".
The first guy says "What has four legs but can't walk?" to which the devil answers with "A table, you're not even trying". He snaps his fingers and bam, some horrible claws grab the guy and drag him down further into the depths of hell.
The second guy's turn comes and he says "What do I have in my pocket?" to which the devil anwsers "You have two dimes, a paperclip and some lint". The guy empties his pockets and yup, there they are: two dimes, a paperclip and some lint. The devil snaps his fingers and a couple of winged imps come flying, grab the guy and drag him to eternal torture.
The third guy takes a deep breath and says "For my riddle, I need a chair and a drill". The devil looks surprised, shrugs, snaps his fingers and a three headed devil brings the guy a chair and a drillbefore disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
The guy starts drilling away, making holes in the seat. Once he has made a whole bunch of them, he says "Attention, Devil", sits down and farts. He stands up and says "Well, through which hole did the fart go?"
The devil, surprised, starts muttering and looking at the holes. After a while, still wide-eyed, he points at a hole and says "This one, I guess?"
The guy laughs and says "Nope, went through this" * Point towards your ass *
playersupport ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My love-life.
-Pluvio- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bee that makes milk?
A boobie.
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot, you freaking racist.
Baheyeldinnassar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This post includes all jokes that have and will be posted on /r/jokes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Crush beer can. Yell loudly "that beer went straight to your head!" Throw beer can at their head. Laugh. Never fails
RemoteLocal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whaddya call a deer with 3 nuts?
Buck n half.
hereticjedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a single dog!!!. Turns out it was a shitzoo (shitzu) ๐
Darloboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what the problem with eating mushroom is?
There isnโt mushroom for anything else!
Spooms2010 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Walks into shop and greeted by assistant - โHi, how are you?โ
Me- -โWeโll it all began when I was seven and daddy wouldnโt take me to the circus!โ
Them - Blank stare......!
KinglerKingpin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Suzy fall off the swings? Because she didn't have any arms.
"Knock knock" "whose there?" "Not suzy."
Prazepam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worse than finding a worm in your apple ??
The holocaust.
KXDuong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?
mitosupremo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like girls with A-cups. When we hug my heart is closer to theirs.
Always gets a groan but still get points
alexandriaweb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a loaf of bread.
ContentedGiraffe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two types of people in the world:
1337tt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:33:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone tells me to pay attention, I say, "I'm too poor to pay attention. "
EmergencyEntrance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cross-eyed cyclops
buzz8193 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tescoโs supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, โSome old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.โ
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, โand this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.โ
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,โ I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?โ
โNew Zealand, sir,โ the boy replied.
โWhy did you leave New Zealand ?โ the manager asked.
The boy said, โSir, thereโs nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.โ
โIs that right?โ replied the manager,โ My wife is from New Zealand!โ
โReally?โ replied the boy, โWhoโd she play forโฆ?โ
nadzisme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What dyo call a woman with no arms? Sheila
Knock knock Who's there
It's not Sheila
fektard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Arguing on the internet is like running in the special Olympics.
...even if you win, you're still retarded.
-StarFish- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three. He starts counting down: "Uno, dos, ..." And he disappears without a tres.
baby_fart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
emceelokey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Russian modem that doesn't work anymore?
A nyet-work!
... But seriously, what's the deal with aprirplane food....
morromezzo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What did the farmer say to the other farmer? A: We're farmers
BlueEyedDemon420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โA skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer and a mop.โ~Al Pacino to Johnny Depp
https://youtu.be/u6VulCgvNpQ
norahtheexplorah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:37:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What are Marioโs pantโs made out of? DENIM DENIM DENIM (Sounds like the Mario music)
brokenSnoOwman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat? Heeeey
facetiousfag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Probably late to the party but this is my favorite.
I met a man in the park with a talking dog the other day, I saw from afar he was chatting to this dog. Intrigued, I approached the man - indeed, he confirmed his dog could talk! I was impressed and asked if I could ask the dog some questions. The man obliged.
First, I asked the dog what the stuff that grows on the side of trees is called. The dog said "BARK!"
Shocked, I continued - I asked what the thing on top of a house is called. The dog said "ROOF!"
At this point I thought it was a coincidence the dog was answering so correctly, so I asked the dog where I could get a nice seafood dinner.
The dog replied "WHARF!"
I said "could you be more specific?"
The dog said "FISHERMANS WHARF!"
Best delivered with a rough "dog-like" accent for each response - gets people every time!
borazem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the diffรฉrence between snow and make-up ? None. Both cover flaws.
umybuddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one cuz it makes me laugh. I saw a flock of cows on the way to work. They go uh don't you mean a herd of cows? Of course I've heard of cows I saw a whole flock of them!
GhostandtheAlarmist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad's are like boomerangs....I hope.
Knock knock
Them: Who's there?
Not your Dad.
ZephyrAxis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I told my girlfriend this morning that she drew her eyebrows on a bit too high.
She looked surprised.
istryinghardok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What were the Mario Bros' overalls made out of?
Denim denim denim.
omnik0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the redneck say after loosing her verginity?
Get off me dad you're crushing my cigarettes.
Simonkjj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:43:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An American, a British, and a Chinese man is stranded on a desert island.
The American takes charge. He orders the British man to take care of shelter, he himself will take care of food, and he orders the Chinese man to take care of supplies. They all go their own ways.
The american and the British men meet up, the American with food and the British with a place to stay. They wait several days for the Chinese man without him ever showing up.
They start looking for him. They start walking through the dense forest when suddenly the Chinese man jumps up from a bush: โSUPPLIES!โ
ScaryKingTarzan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on group of people, but on parties I use this one, by Jimmy Carr: "How do you make gay fuck a women? Shit in her cunt"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jewish joke.
Mrs Rosenstein is enjoying a day at the beach in Eilat with her family. Suddenly she notices her son has difficulty swimming, and about to go under. She drops everything, and yells:
โHelp! Help! My lawyer-son is drowning, my lawyer-son is drowning!!!โ
HomonHymn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
itt: Reddit people who are not funny
Oops_FTW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks in to a bar and, while beaming from ear to ear, asks for three shots of Rumplemintz. The bartender, excited to serve such a happy patron, asks what heโs celebrating. The customer responds that itโs because of his first blowjob. Delighted, the bartender offers to buy him his next shot. The customer quickly responds, โIf three shots arenโt enough to get he taste out of my mouth, nothing will.โ
polishhillbilly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jack handy..... when I was a kid my mother told me that I could be anything I wanted.. within reason.. when I asked her what she meant by that..she said.. you ask a lot of questions for a garbage man
Plekuz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is blue and sits on a fence? ... Paint, blue paint.
This is my go-to-never-fail joke, not because it makes other people laugh, but it gives me loads of fun seeing them roll their eyes or sigh whenever I tell this stupid sorry excuse for a joke.
LowFlyingHellfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the ironfisted boss at marks.com who quit to become a pirate?
They call him the ex-Mark's despot.
GTARoadRager ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A seal walks into a bar. The end.
Pumpkinsfan460 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:47:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You mean club?
GTARoadRager ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You could do that too.
MaygarRodub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs red and invisible?
No tomato.
JawnsDoesReddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
American beer is like sex on a cannoe
It's fucking close to water
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the deaf-blind retarded kid get for christmas? Cancer.
Joey_Jokes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was supposed to be a seal but I couldn't balance a ball on my nose.
RiFLE_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:51:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The bus driver.
Folo87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:51:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a cat drink?
Put it in a blender.
Brewshock84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher is giving a lesson on Timbuktu and she goes around the room asking the students to come up with a poem with Timbuktu in it.
So she asks little Matthew for his poem. So he thinks for a minute and he says, "Ok, I got one!"
"Jane and I in love so true
We sailed across the ocean blue
To this little town called Timbuktu!"
"Oh that was very good Matthew!" The teacher exclaimed! "Ok, Little Johnny, your turn!"
So Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, I got one!"
"Tim and I a camping we went
We took three girls into our tent
Since they were three and we were two
I buck one and Timbuktu!"
Eric_of_the_North ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โDo you know a good vet?โ uh, yeah thereโs one that- โCuz these pythons are siiiiickโ flexes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A racist, a pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar and that was just the first guy.
FunVonni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man says to a blonde lady "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?". She replied "No, but I have been swung around by the tits".
AvoidMySnipes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin.
Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his friend Shut-Up. Now Shut-Up lived on the other side of town, so he hopped in his car and raced off. Just before he passed Manners' house, a policeman pulled him over for speeding.
The Policeman came over and asked Shut-Up what his name was, to which he replied "Shut-Up". Offended, the Policeman asked again, and again Shut-Up replied "Shut-Up". Furious now, the Policeman asked a third time. Shut-Up, who was no doubt confused by the Policeman's anger, replied again saying, "I've already told you. Shut-Up."
Lividly, the Policeman retorted, "Where are your manners!" Speeding off in confusion, Shut-Up replied "Around the corner picking up Shit"
_
Meh, pretty dumb joke if you ask me
SvenTropics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you know what DNA stands for?"
"National Dyslexics Association"
NotTheCinemassacre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is so good hahahaha
Ben2749 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a convicted six offender.
DanielMcN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you ever had Ethiopian food?" "No." "Neither have they."
greenflashtech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are sitting in the warm baths... The one says: "Where's the soap?"
The other replies: "It does, doesn't it!"
Alaskan_geek907 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe my wife and I are dumb, but this makes no sense.
tjonnyc999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the implication here is that one of the nuns is masturbating with the soap, and the other one is concerned that it "wears (down) the soap".
It's a shit joke IMHO, but w/e, to each their own.
whiteypoints ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:03:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
it puts the lotion on its skin
but first it wears the soap.
CuriousCatharsis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
At first I read this as "Go-to Never-tell Joke" and, though it doesn't make sense, I strangely have one.
doublefrangelico ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A shy girl with a peg leg is sitting alone at a dance. A boy with a wooden eye walks over. He asks 'Would you like to dance?", girl:"aaaw would I?" boy:"f*** you Peg-leg!"
FunVonni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:58:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. How many elephants can fit in a mini?
A. Four - two in the front and two in the back
Q. How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?
A. There are footprints in the butter
Q. How do you know two elephants has been in your fridge?
A. There are two sets of footprints in the butter
Q. How do you know three elephants has been in your fridge?
A. There are three sets of footprints in the butter
Q. How do you know four elephants has been in your fridge?
A. Their mini is parked outside
ballydupp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a restaurant with a pink poodle, the kind with pompoms shaved into the legs and tail, diamantรฉ collar, and ribbons around its ears. The manager rushes over to stop him, โexcuse me sir, no dogs allowed. This is a restaurant, itโs against codeโ.
The guy explains the dog should be permitted as he is blind and it is his guide dog. โBehave yourselfโ replies the manager, โguide dogs are either retrievers, maybe alsatiansโ.
โWell what did they give me?โ asks the man.
tacosandtopology ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dead baby & a bagel?
...one's pre-sliced before you put it in the toaster.
OR
What do you call the meat on your shin?
...balogna.
asiantugahoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys get trapped on an island. While roaming in search of supplies they come across an evil spirit that threatens to kill them all unless they play a game. Reluctantly, all three agree. The spirit says that to survive, they must gather 10 of any fruit on the island and shove it up their ass without flinching, otherwise the spirit will condemn them to the afterlife. The first brings back apples and manages 5 before wincing, resulting in his death. The second man fits 9 grapes before he begins bursting into laughter. In the afterlife the first man exclaims, "you were so close! What happened?!", to which the second man replied "I saw the third guy carrying watermelons".
xDERPYxCREEPERx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trigger Warning*
A Jewish guy asked for my number, I said we use names here
freenarative ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Politics.
shakers95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:03:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of him?
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
Malsvir83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:04:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I see" said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw
asylum32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:05:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
skepticones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Extra credit:
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
newgibben ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chic pea and a sprout. If never paid a sprout to do anything on my chest. (Works well at family party's.)
catiinboots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:10:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies
Isthisnameinusetoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do slugs carry pepper spray with them when they go out at night? In case of a salt
randomer206 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Works better in Ireland
A Cork lad and an Arab are walking through the desert on day, the Arab turns to the Cork lad and says "I'm going to build a beautiful city here." The Cork lad tells him "DO BAI"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
a buccaneer
Mapumbu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
ThePotatoLorde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
ThePotatoLorde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Believe it or not this joke actually got me my current girlfriend.
im_awais ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer buys a rooster for his farm but the rooster turns out to be a sexaddict the farmer is happy with it as he is getting tons of eggs from his hens. A few days later he finds the rooster fucking the cows as he is bored from the hens. Some days pass now the rooster is fucking all of the animals in the farm the farmer gets tured of him. One morning the farmer finds the rooster lying on the ground and some vultures hovering over him. The farmer says to himself "This is what you deserve you sick fuck" to which the rooster replies "Dont worry i haven't died yet I am just waiting for the vultures to come down then i'll even fuck their brains out".
dx030318 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was Oedipus against Profanity? Cause he kisses his mother with that mouth.
Melonbomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Selasse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
David and Victoria Beckham are in Beckingham palace, stood in the kitchen.
Victoria pulls out something from the cupboard and David asks "What's that?", Victoria replies "This, David, is a thermoflask, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." David is amazed, "That sounds great! Can I take it to training tomorrow?", Victoria obliges and David goes to training the next day with his new thermoflask.
At the training ground, David is approached by Ashley Young, who is intrigued by David's new thermoflask.
"What's that then David?"
"It's a thermoflask, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold"
"Oh right, that sounds good, what've you got in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice."
Levis_Dad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the girl fall off her bike?
Because somebody threw a fridge at her.
_Larry_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:14:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 3 cows munching some grass. The first cow says: โMooohโ. The second says: โMoooh, Mooohโ. The third cow says: โMoooh, Moooh, Moooh. The first and second cow kill the first cow.
Why?
She knew too much.
jphuffinstuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's Kim jong un's birthday in a week. The north Korean govt. is preparing for the ceremony, they've got everything; food, performers, even some American celebrities. All they need is the music. They get a north Korean composer to write and arrange a piece for Kim's birthday. He's ecstatic to be serving the leader of the country in such a way that when he gets home, he starts writing and doesn't stop until he's done, 37 hours later. He brings the sheet music to the organizers, and they provide him with a full orchestra. Violins, tubas, timpanis, the whole shebang. He rehearses it with them relentlessly throughout the week until they've got everything down perfectly. He's convinced it's the best piece of music ever written and is very excited to play it for Kim. The night of the party, they're doing dress rehearsal and it sounds like the most beautiful piece of music anyone has ever heard. Once it's their turn to play, the host announces them and explains the music they're playing. The conducter lifts up his conducter's rod.
1, 2, 3, 4.
And it is just awful. People start booing and they don't even finish the song. At this point, Kim is furious. He gets his guards to hold the conducter in his office until the party is over. Once Kim returns, he orders the man to be executed by electric chair. The guards ask what he wants for his last meal, and he asks for some super spicy curry, the spiciest they can make with what they have in their kitchen. The chef complies, the conducter eats all of it without hesitation, and they get in with the execution. Kim flips the switch to electrocute him, but he comes out unharmed. Kim was feeling especially forgiving that day, and needed someone to play at his sister's birthday anyway, so he gives the conducter the job, assuming what happened last time was bad luck. He prepares a piece weeks in advance, and he is truly convinced this time that it's going to make Kim extremely satisfied. He practices with his orchestra for sessions lasting up to 11 hours in a row, 7 days a week, for the 3 weeks leading up to Kim's sister's birthday. He's nailed it, and during the dress rehearsal, some of the guards who torture prisoners in work camps start crying because the piece is so beautiful. The time comes to play, they're jntroduced, and the conducter counts them in.
1, 2, 3, 4.
And it is just atrocious. The worst thing anyone in the hall has ever heard by far. A few people in the crowd vomited it was so bad, and some of the musicians even stopped playing part of the way through. At this point Kim is hopping mad. His sister is in tears because her birthday has been ruined. Kim grabs the man by the collar, and personally drags him to the prison they perform the executions at. The man requests extremely spicy curry for his last meal. He asks for extra chilies, and imported peppers from China to be put in for extra spice. Without hesitation, he eats the entire thing in fifteen minutes. Kim then, once again flips the switch to electrocute him, but nothing happens. The electricity went through the chair, but the conducter stood up completely unscathed. Kim was busy with other arrangements, so he let the man live. As it turns out, he was busy with the 20th anniversary of his father's death. There was to be a huge military parade, with banners, performers, and music. Music. That was what he'd forgotten. So he (begrudgingly) approached the conducter and asked him to write a piece for for the parade. The conducter obliged, seeing this as an opportunity to redeem himself. He prepared a piece months in advance, and practiced almost non-stop with a band, stopping only to take daily, 4-hour naps instead of sleeping every night. At the dress rehearsal, all the guards were bawling at the beautiful music this man had somehow managed to compose. Once it was their turn to play, the conducter counted in the band.
1, 2, 3, 4.
It was just the most gut-wrenching, disgusting, horrible sounding thing anyone had ever had the displeasure of listening to. The crowd was crying, but for the wrong reason. The streets were caked with vomit and the brains of people who decided death was a preferable alternative to listening to this truly unholy piece of music for 2 more minutes. At this point, Kim was ready to burst. He ran up to their parade float, grabbed the man by the arm, and marched him down to the electric chair. The conducter attempted to ask for a last meal, but was interrupted shortly after he'd started by Kim himself; demanding that he be executed right then and there. Kim flipped the switch, and nothing happened. Once again, he flipped the switch. Nothing. He flipped the switch rapidly between its 'on' and 'off' states; but alas, nothing happened. The conducter managed to fit a word in while Kim was furiously fiddling with the switch, attempting to end this man's life. "Sir" he squawked out, "if I'm being perfectly honest, it didn't have much to do with the curry, I'm just a terrible conducter."
Ba dum tss
Heaney91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
no_nail92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always to a guy that thinks hes funny....
What's the difference between your jokes and your dick? No body ever laughes at your jokes.
Baccamono ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the stork bring?
An abortion.
GEEZUSE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Just give up, it's easier." To my coworkers who are complaining. (retail)
L3THALRED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: 'What's a pirates favourite letter?'
Them: 'RRRR'
Me: 'NO IT BE THE C'
Sixes666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:18:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary....
Rukibuki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Currently, it is a Ricky Gervais joke from his latest standup show.
What did the deaf, blind, mute orphan kid get for Christmas?
Cancer said with a sad face
IAMMADEOFEVERYTHING ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:20:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is what you call what?
blokestalk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:20:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two Jews walk into a bar, they own it!
inglisjoneso ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:20:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A Native-American boy asks his father
โwhat is the origin of our strange and mysterious namesโ the father replies
โwell son when a child is born the father sticks his head out the teepee and names the child after what he sees first, like youโre mother soaring eagle and your brother growling bearโhe then added
โwhy do you ask shitting dogโ
coconutfumble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't the queen wave with this hand? waving royally with my right/left hand ..
Because it's my hand!
Kids love it and adults always start an intellectual discussion on whether or not the queen really does only wave with one hand and why.
blokestalk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dog has no nose. "How does it smell"? Awful!
CarsonWentzsACL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
OMA_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar.
Turns out he was never any good at limboing.
dysonology ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
apple-juicebox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:25:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a prostitute get their soup? At a brothel.
Lazylongboarder420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:26:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man named ben walks into a bar, sits down has a couple drinks. After a while ben decides to go to the bathroom. When he gets in he sees a man with no arms standing at one of the urinals, ben goes about his business while the man next to him continues to stand there. Finally, after ben had finished his business the armless man next to him asked if he could get help unzipping his pants. Now ben being the nice man he is helps unzip the mans pants and starts to walk away when the man asked him if there was any way he could help him point it.. ben hesitates and swallows his pride to help the poor man in need. He starts to help the man and realizes that this particular mans member is quite unsightly, as it had rashes and discoloration and smelled awful. After the man finishes and ben helps put his member back into his pants and asks him "sir what in gods name is wrong with your dick", to which the man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says. "I don't know, but Im not touching it".
Reignofratch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:26:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are walking down the road when they see a dog licking himself. The first man says, "Wow I wish I could do that." The second replies, "You better not. That dog bites."
Beerstud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:26:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his space ship.
UraniumPeepers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know those little bumps around your nipple?.......Yeah that is braille for "suck me".
CaseyJones24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
I donโt know why youโre shaking, sheโs gonna eat me!
wabqween ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my cock down your throat.
arrogantDH74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the blind skunk? He Tried to rape a fart.
ravia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:29:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many dead prostitutes can you fit in the trunk of a car?
Three.
BlordD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:29:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fรผgg r
DBRWes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:30:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I detest people talking about me behind my back! They discussed me.
Breshkar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde, brunette, and a red head are in an elevator.
The brunette walks up to the wall at says "Hey, that looks like a cum stain."
The red head goes over and gives a sniff and says, " It smells like cum."
The blond gives it a lick and she says " Well, it's no one from this building."
Foxracing254 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lesbian and a saltine? One's a snack cracker, and the other is a crack snacker.
viptattoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A business man buys a house in the country to get away from the bustle of urban life. On his first day in his new house, which is truly in the sticks, he gets a knock on the door. He goes to the door to find a heavily bearded man a heavily bearded, overalled, redneck... with a fairly cheey demeaner and a beer in his hand. He hands the beer over and says, โHowdy neighborโ. Seein as yer new in the neighborhood, Iโd like to have a little welcumin party fer ya over at mine, just up the street.โ โWell thank youโ, says the man. โThatโs very friendly of you. Umm... What sort of party?โ โO, nuthin out of the ordinary. Weโll do sum barbacuinโ, and drink some beerโ โThat sounds goodโ, he replies. โAs the night goes on weโll probably make a little ruckus... might be some fightinโ, and... hehe probably a little fuckin.โ โO... heheh. Well, I think I can handle all that. Thanks,โ he says. โBy the way, who all is going to be there?โ โOh, itโs just gonna be you anโ me.โ
Realchalk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mother used to tuck me in, I guess she wanted a girl.
ric0shay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam
LetLemon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Boxers or Briefs...depends
potatogangbang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:37:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:38:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes to a police officer. " Please arrest me!" "Why?" "I shot 6 bullets to my wife!" "Is she dead?" "No, I missed all!" "So why do you want to be arrested ?" "Now my wife's looking for me!"
lindsanity56 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the fuck out of their service dogs.
Dental_Youth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a frog, but it croaked
M0wman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:40:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw 2 construction workers laughing and telling jokes today, do you know what they where building?
Friendship
izzsolo74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:42:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that 911 was NOT an inside job.
charliechin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:42:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A bald guy was walking down the street when he sees a hunchback and says: 'Heeey duuuude?? What are you carrying in that backpack??!!' The hunchback guy replies: " A comb, motherfucker!"
faithle55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between people from Dubai, and people from Abu Dhabi?
The people from Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people from ABUDHABI-DOOO!
B-e-a-utiful_day ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo.
Niploooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks in bar with wheel in pants
Bartender says "why"
"Idk but it's driving me nuts"
StretchyPlays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Usually gets more of a groan than a laugh but my favorite go-to is:
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
One sells watches, the other watches cells!
KoogLarousse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you getwhen you cross an owl with a bungee cord? .
.
.
.
.
.
.
My ass
Sleazehound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:50:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nhhyyeesssss
Jay_Tee_G ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why has Barbie never gotten pregnant after dating Ken for so many years? Ken comes in a different box.
Tummy_Butter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. The bartender says, "hey! Do you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?" The pirate says "arrrgg I know it drives me nuts!"
MrEvilNES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Deligion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:53:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If smoking is so bad for your health how come it cures salmon?
LightinDark132 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:53:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I recently asked the Spanish speaking community their favorite looney toons character.
Everyone agreed, "Porque"
flynnestergates ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:53:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a cheap circumcision?
a rip off
LetinX26 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:55:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me - Ive got a knock knock joke but you have to start it. Reciever - Ok, knock knock Me - whos there?
S741nz_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is gonna get buried, but whatever.
โWhatโs the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?โ
โI wouldnโt pay to have a garbanzo bean on my faceโ
JPKMoopie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
John pinette
Jaakko56 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
German humour is no laughing matter
Rathwood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
cApsLocKBrokE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:58:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know it's national Jamaican hairdo day tomorrow?
I'm dreading it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
Wheres_that_to ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
He must love Dave Gorman.
vlm0325 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the snowman smiling? He saw the snowblower coming down the street.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have two half brothers, so one whole brother
BenStillerFaggot66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:04:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs long and hard and has cum in it?
-A cucumber.
quarpoders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:04:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why didnโt the skeleton cross the road
Because he had no guts
tupe12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:09:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My grades
rodrigax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:10:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I taught my 4 year old son this one,
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
pegasBaO23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:10:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life, amirite
himmelman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:12:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man and a crippled hopping on one leg come towards each other on a country road one bright morning. The cripple says to the blind man โgood morning!โ. The blind man answers โgood morning, howโs it going?โ. The crippled answers โas you can see...โ
Thedownrightugly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers
silvershy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a bar. Says, "Ow!"
StrawberryK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
saf45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:18:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIโm taken................. as a fuckin jokeโ
saidtheblindman_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:20:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
vlm0325 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:21:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in middle school back in the โ70โs, Helen Keller jokes were big. On that note:
How did Helen Kellerโs parents punish her? They re-arranged the furniture.
Why wouldnโt Helen Kellerโs hog come to her when she called? Would you if your name was,โarrrouhgh!โ (Use some nonsense word here.)
Those were two I always remembered. There were a lot hole string of them.
WintersTablet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:56:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dog
vlm0325 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks!
4owl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Hey, where's my tractor??
Parzival42807 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I may be an idiot, but im not stupid"
DrGirthinstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:26:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โHow many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?โ
โItโs this really obscure number, youโve probably never heard of it...โ
BlazingBone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:27:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sparkling water was invented in Germamy.
Of course it was their idea to add gas. Edit: grammar
monsterfiend91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:28:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Ones heavy and ones a little lighter.
Hatelabels69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:29:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
tipofanacorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sex life.
ninjafaceplant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Dank-Boi69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: whatโs the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Them: What?
Me: I canโt peanut butter my dick up your ass
Before anyone says It was stolen from r/darkjokes I posted this on there
Shoryuha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:33:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Late but i'll try giving my 2 cents.
What's a Lada at the top of a hill?
What's 2 Lada at the top of a hill?
What's 3 Lada at the top of a hill?
-A Lada factory
newsround123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:33:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD
nielsrolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the dictator say before the soldiers got into the tanks? "Get into the tanks"
iamadrunk_scumbag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:36:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Weak sauce x 29
autonomousAscension ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:36:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a never-fail joke as it requires some physics knowledge, but this is my favorite science joke:
And a close second:
BIessthefaII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:37:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean
phhoff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The viola player walks to the violinist and tells him proud: i can play sixtenth now! The violinist asks him: ok, show me. The viola player lifts his instrument and plays:
Zipp.
kongelicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Myself
Ashtroyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:40:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1. A muslim guy walked into a gay bar and offered everyone a shot.
2. A gay hippie went to Saudi Arabia, he spent the week stoned.
MajorCockweiner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an pot of glue... I don't know what? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna... Then they hopefully ask about the pot of glue so you can say. I knew you'd get stuck there.
4dcatman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whisper in Thier ear : Do you want to hear my favourite pickup line?
LOVE ME! (In a sudden shocking manner)
To be done with close friends only.
OnibabaDeath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a potato.
LouSkuntte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:48:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Rmacnet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:48:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"how do you make a hormone"
"You don't pay her"
macncheesedinosaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:51:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the constipated mathematician do? He worked it out with his pencil.
adankness69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
how do you stop a dog from humping your leg.
Pick him up and suck his dick
madeline333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
imurdotme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:58:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between chickpeas and garbanzo beans?
NoLoliGagging ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:03:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ive never had garbanzo beans on my face
imurdotme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:42:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me neither... only on my chest.
Robwadd999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:59:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar...
Ouch
44tacocat44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:03:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Roast, Ghost, Boast, Host. What do you put in a toaster?
(9/10 times they say "Toast")
A: Bread.
The_Flapjack_Kid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:03:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this one every Halloween.
Why couldn't the witch have babies? Because her husband has a hollow weenie.
everykenyan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:04:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kenya..
Kenya who?
Kenya open the door?
mickp122 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:05:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do two gay guys settle a dispute? They go outside and exchange blows
NoiseTank0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
kingofwukong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Comment
elempiar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In Dutch we have a common saying that translates to "You're not the [...]est at home, are you?". You can fill in whatever you want there. Not the smartest, not the funniest, etc.
I always say "I'm not the [smart]est at home, and I live alone so that says a lot.". Gets a good chuckle most of the time.
dv666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the German cross the road? To conquer Belgium
sexi_squidward ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little Nazis.
yashnilesh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give youย $1,000ย to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give youย $10,000ย to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."
TheBasicGoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:12:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a deaf man a dog?
[SHOUTING LOUDLY] WANNA BUY A DOG?
Shintoho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An acupuncturist goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, Doctor, I've got pins and needles in my arm!"
missmariela01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:14:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
. R
cumonbert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:17:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A: "On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue?"
B: "Is 11 possible?"
A: "No."
B: "Why not?"
mean_mr_mustard75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:17:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Farmers Brother or the Cunnilingus Frog.
underwatr_cheestrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:18:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
MagicPan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:18:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a sunny day, the light shines on a little creek in the mountains. There is a dragonfly hovering over the creek. Unknown to the dragonfly, a salmon is watching it thinking "if only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, I would be able to jump and catch it. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Unknow to the salmon, there is a bear hidden in the bushes on the side of the creek. The bear sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump and then I could grab the salmon. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Unkown to the bear, there is a hunter sitting on the edge of the creek. He sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump, the bear would come out of the bushes to grab it and then I shoot the bear. Then I would have a nice trophy today."
In a hole in the ground, right next to the hunter is a small mouse. Thus mouse sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump, the bear would come out of the bushes to grab it, the hunter would shoot the bear and the kickback of the riffle would ensure that his sandwich will fall out of his pocket. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Unknown to the mouse, there is a cat who sees the dragonfly and thinks: "If only this dragonfly would fly a little lower, the salmon would jump, the bear would come out of the bushes to grab it, the hunter would shoot the bear and the kickback of the riffle would ensure that his sandwich will fall out of his pocket, the mouse will come out of it's little hole and I could catch it. Then I would have a nice meal today."
Well, the impossible happens, the dragonfly fly's a little lower, the salmon jumps up and catches it, the bear rushes forward to grab the salmon, the hunter shoots and the kickback sends his sandwich flying the floor. The mouses sees the opportunity and goes for the sandwich, the cat sees the mouse jumps ... and trips over a small branch lying in his path and tumbles in the creek.
The moral of this story? The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:19:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mate died of heartburn the other day.
I canโt believe Gav has gone
roux32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:19:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My wife said small penis isn't an issue. I still think she shouldn't have one.
MyManD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT Every singly dad joke in existence.
jjdoyle20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar, with a big ship's steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks up and says "what's with the wheel?"
And the pirate says "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
lordoflotsofocelots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is red and tastes like blue paint? Red paint.
charliecarlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar, you'd think the second guy would've seen it.
LonelyJewOnXmas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jewish Santa comes down the chimney. He says "Hey kids! Wanna buy some presents?"
Daeyel1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Parable of the Sacred Song.
And Yale Football.
_Dolemite_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
Gorn_with_the_wind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:29:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hung on a wall? Art.
adent888 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:56:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
waterskiing - Skip
swimming - Bob
in a ditch - Phil
at you door - Matt
on a grill - Patty
just no legs - Neil
LastChaos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This thread made me blow air through my nose 2-3 times.
paintedfeathers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does one tampon say to the other tampon?
Eh, nothing. They're stuck up bitches.
Xenogear85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:28:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Do we have any updog ?"
CanadianJogger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:51:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No, but we've plenty of henway.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Xenogear85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:18:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know,ย Dawg,ย what's upย with you?
ghost_60 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:30:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
/r/Jokes here I come
victorytothebold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:30:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
Covmeister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Bono fall off the stage?
Because he stood too close to the edge.
boosh.
BugO_OEyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
In
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:32:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
The0rangeKind ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:40:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So two dudes huh. Ew
Clbull ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:32:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two things that'll survive a nuclear armageddon: Cockroaches and Keith Richards.
pegasuspect93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:33:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I've had Alzheimer's as long as I can remember"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:34:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the USF fan cross the road?.. I asked as I accelerated
SPUNKFLAP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:35:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
r/jokes
SirSwampGerman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:35:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What a Nice wheater.
TigerFan365 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A set of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a beer. The bartender says โLook we donโt normally serve jumper cables in here but Iโll make an exception. You can stay just donโt start nothin.โ
Malkochson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:37:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man from a small, isolated village somehow ends up winning a free safari to Africa. He is overjoyed, because nobody in this village has even left the local region, let alone go to another continent. He packs his bags, says goodbye to his friends, and leaves for the savannah.
Upon his return, the other villagers swarm him and ask all kinds of questions about his time there. One of the villagers ask "So, what kind of animals did you see there?".
The man responds: "You won't believe the animals I saw! I saw what they call, a zebra!"
The crowd lets out a collective "Oooh" and ask him what did it look like.
The man says: "It looked like the donkeys we have here in the village - just paint black and white stripes over it and that's that."
The crowd demands he name another weird animal he saw.
The man says: "I also saw a giraffe!".
The crowd "Oooh"s again and ask him to describe the animal.
The man responds: "That too looks like the donkeys we have in the village - just take a donkey, stretch out its neck, paint brown spots, and that's that."
The crowd demands yet another animal.
The man says: "Oh, this you won't believe! I saw what's called a 'boa constrictor'".
The crowd, after "Oooh"ing a third time, ask what does it look like?
The man says: "It still looks like the donkeys we have here in the village - just take a donkey's dick, stretch it out, and remove the donkey at the end!"
EUWTechnoFreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:38:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor: Do You do Sports? Man: Does Sex count? Doctor: Yes Man: Then no
p0l1n4LkR1m1z31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:38:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If i meet someone i did not see for a long time, i day happy New year
Cybx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:39:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a hippo and a woman. One has a huge mouth and a fat ass, the other lives in the water.
cdmisp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:41:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
...
Ididdarunip
...
EURGH! That's disgusting.
The0rangeKind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:41:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: jokes people never ever say or they'd die instantly from cringe
Parallaxs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:42:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
*Farts
"Are farts supposed to be lumpy?"
Source: Dad
NotYourAverageTomBoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:42:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hairiest side of a horse?
The outside.
Roc4me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you do with an elephant with four balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
HornPlayer791 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:46:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My chances of getting a girlfriend and a life
MessiGOAT24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:46:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My new favourite is: What does it take to get a Panda to the hospital?
I can't remember where I saw this. Sry for not giving the credit.
rayoflight110 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:46:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Zzzzzz
saviongl0ver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:47:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an elephant that does not matter?
Irrelephant
Karmabakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you see later, one you see after awhile.
(Corny, but ALWAYS gets a chuckle!)
expletive-expletive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the punchline would have been better if it was โwell, the pool guy drowned while cleaning.โ
cherry__twist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club...
peadar80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.
c-fox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:49:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
jondai429 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:53:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a similarity between clean water and dark humor? Not everybody gets it.
vassie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:54:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I phoned up my local gym to ask if they can teach me the splits, "How flexible are you?" they asked, "I can't do Tuesday's or Thursday's".
Rauraloy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:54:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
โIโm really sorry, it might take me a while to get hard. I was just laid.โ
SirPhyfe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:56:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?... it went down the road and turned into a field.
kels-see ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, a baby seal walks into a club.
plexiglasshouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm a kleptomaniac. Sometimes it gets so bad, I have to take something for it
Tritton7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The joke at the beginning of this video (it's all about the delivery so not really something you can type out).
https://youtu.be/hfU6T-oXGDQ
Milo_theHutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:00:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket
What's blue and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise
Jack92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
Housebitchhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got caught peeing in the pool one day. The lifeguard yelled at me so loudly I almost fell in the water.
Pomagranite16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tell a female ant form a male ant?
Put them in a bucket of water. The ones that float are boyant.
DeepDoughbeast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's slightly mad-lib. Ask who you're talking to for a city they hate. (We'll call this City C)
The Prime Minister (Or President if you're american) is getting his office redecorated. He has 3 Decorators in, one from City A, one from City B, and one from City C.
He asks the Decorator from City A "How much will it cost you to redecorate this room."
He looks around, and says "$7,000."
"$7000?"
"Yes." The decorator says. "$3,000 for Parts, $3,000 for labour, and then my Commission, $1,000"
"Alright" The PM/Prez turns to City B. "And what about you?"
He looks the place over and says "$9,000. $4,000 for Parts, $4,000 for Labour, and $1,000 Commission."
"That's more than the other guy!"
"Well, you get what you pay for." City B shrugs.
The PM/Prez doesn't even get the full question out when City C's rep blurts out "$27,000!"
"Twenty sev-" The PM/Prez stammers. "How in the hell do you plan to get away with that?"
"Simple." City C's rep says. "Ten Grand for You, Ten Grand for Me, and we hire the guy from City A!"
-FunOnABun- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:04:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
L
Rsn_Hypertrophic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts are walking down the road. One was a salted.
GodzillaBurgers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs better than 24?
25
RDrewD2_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
Iโve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
ImEthanBrradberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So ther's this guy whos dating a girl called loraine. But he gets tired of her and starts cheating on her with a girl called claire-lee. Loraine commits suicide and the guy feels really bad so he decides to go to her funeral to pay respect. At the funeral he gets up onto the stage and begins to sing. "I can see claire-lee now loraine has gone"
jammah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:07:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cow that won an award at work?
Turns out he was out standing in his field!
captain_quad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:08:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah youโre right, Iโll go fuck myself.
Acufuncture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:08:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and sits in the corner?
The incredible sulk.
MA0801 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I can see the future but only by 2 years, I call it 2020 vision.
playhy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life, hahahahha (:
Mrmathmonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:10:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Husband and wife are having an argument: Husband: and how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm Wife: you told me never to call you at work.
myapplenum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:11:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."
Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John."
Surgeon: "I know, I am John."
relic1882 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:11:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are in the elevator. One guy farts. Everybody knows who did it.
_MadPsycho_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:11:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a cat go, when the cat loses its tail?
The reTAIL store.
GingerRampage13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:11:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It always gets that โthatโs a terrible joke, but still a little funnyโ laugh
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way
Koldtoft ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:11:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A few... If dunk and able to hold the crowds attention, I will go for "The Aristocrats" i f**king love that joke.. Half laugh because they get it (that there is nothing to get) and the other half laugh, because they pretend to get the "ungettable". Love it.
Else, I like this one.
Me: Do you know why women can't drive? Them: Awkward look. Me: There is no streaming wheeler in their side of the car.
Shiron-San ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Never Ending Mama Jokes!
ApeNotKillApe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:15:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you sell a frog to a deaf guy? "WANNA BUY A FROG!?!?"
SnipTheNip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is the pinnacle of comedy. True comedy gold.
I was driving down the i5; my girlfriend was in the passenger seat. While cruising we spotted a restaurant called the boardwalk burger. It was one of those places where homeless people go to flip burgers; the occasional tourist will pass by. I turned to my girlfriend and said "BOARDWALK BURGER? More like BOREDwalk BURGER because the burgers aren't having any fun!"
TLDR; Penguinz0 joke
charlie_charlie3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:17:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An old couple are lying in bed having a fart contest. Old man farts loudly, old woman farts even louder followed by a quief. Old man mumbles 'that's cheating - you're using double barrels.
Surfing_the_gnarnia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:17:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a raccoon and a boner?
I donโt have a raccoon in my pants right now
cuzito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
FatPin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:25:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A salted
HypeTortoise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:30:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to make a pencil with an eraser on both ends, turns out it was pointless.
spinach1991 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:31:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you spot a really successful farmer?
He's out standing in his field.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one gets the ol' chuckle + eye roll 100% of the time:
-Dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."-
Hilarious? No. But short, sweet and whether you've ever seen a Western or not...you get it.
praetorian_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:45:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: just one Them: just one what? Me: how many time travellers does it take to change a light bulb
LennisMiller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
forkskid21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Myself, I am a joke.
not_even_a_doggo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy; the other's a little lighter.
cletusvanderbilt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
cleanandclever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is grey and comes in quarts? An elephant.
hogey74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the last thing that went through the grass-hopper's mind when it hit the front of the car? It's rectum.
tracielamey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man asks a farmer near a field, โSorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.โ
The farmer says, โSure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, youโll even catch the 4:11 one.โ
10Bearz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My mother raised ugly kids, not stupid ones!
SAVE_US222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:51:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon a time, there was a great pirate ship. It was known to house the most ferocious crew on all the seven seas. And it's captain was the greatest captain.
One day, the ship is sailing along and a rival pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain notices and calmly says "Men, prepare for battle. And get me my red shirt".
They get him his shirt, he puts it on, and the rival ship arrives to fight. It's a bloody and intense battle, but they manage to hold off the intruders.
The next day, two rival pirate ships appear on the horizon. The captain notices and calmly says "Men, prepare for battle. And get me my red shirt."
They get him his shirt, he puts it on, and shortly both rival ships are on either side of theirs. It is once again a bloody battle and the ship loses a few men, but they manage to hold off the intruders.
The next day, they are sailing along and three pirate ships appear on the horizon. The captain notices and says โMen, prepare for battle. And get me my red shirt.โ
They get him his shirt, he puts it on, and this battle is the most intense yet. They lose a few men, but manage to once again repel the intruders.
A curious crew member asks โCaptain, why whenever we are about to go into battle do you ask for your red shirt?โ
โThatโs simple, my friend. If I am ever wounded in battle, you would not be able to see my blood, and you wouldnโt lose faith and would keep fighting.โ
โWhat a great answer,โ the crew thought, โand what a great captain!โ
The next day, one thousand pirate ships appear on the horizon. The captain notices and says โMen, prepare for battle. And get me my brown pants.โ
Fluffywoodchuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:53:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One day, a beggar walked into a fancy restaurant. The waitress working at the front desk stopped immediately. "Sorry, you can't come inside." "Oh, don't worry, I don't want to eat here" said the beggar, "I just want to ask for a toothpick." The waitress was confused but gave him one anyway. Then the beggar thanked her and walked away. 10 mins later, another beggar came inside the restaurant. The waitress stopped him. Strangely, he also only asked for a toothpick. The waitress gave one to him with more confusion. 15 mins later, a third beggar came. The waitress asked:"Are you here asking a toothpick?" "No, I'm here to ask for a straw." The waitress was soooo curious and finally asked:"Just now, two beggars came here and asked for toothpicks. And now you are asking for a straw. What's going on?" "Just now a drunk man threw up near the wall. Those two bastards were faster than me. They ate the bits with toothpicks and now only the liquid is left. "
Stammbomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:56:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many suh-dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! It's already LIT DUDE!
darybrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, communicate, discuss, express, chat about, or even whisper Thesaurus Club
Rkak27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an Indian woman explode? You press the big red button on her forehead.
As an Indian person, this isnโt even offensive just because it never fails to make me laugh.
TrapperKeeper959 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:07:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a hooker with a run nose?
...Full
just_add_bacon_7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:15:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about Irish Alzheimer's?
You forget everything but your grudges.
joedog62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:16:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/R9ETlTZoF1E I know it well
Robert_Pawney_Junior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:31:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and runs through the jungle?
A pack of pickles.
What's transparent and chasing behind the pack?
The pickle jar.
What's illogical about that?
Pickles don't hunt in packs.
ShockterDockaloo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:36:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life. sniffles
Thaihoax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:37:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs a necrophiliacs favorite drink?
Doesnโt matter, so long as itโs stiff.
dirtbiker198 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:39:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a little late but I love this one. SO a man walks into a dentists office and says" I think I'm a moth" so the dentist says " if you think your a moth whyd you come to a dentists office?" And the man says "BECAUSE THE LIGHT WAS ON!!!"
h-n-f ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:44:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs the final of the Australian national poetry competition. The two finalists are a professor from the University of Queensland and an old farmer who lives in the outback.
Their task for the final of the competition is to come up with a poem in 20 seconds, on the topic of Timbuktu.
The university professor steps up to the stage first, clears his throat, and begins:
โOn the lonely desert sands, Crossed a single caravan, Men on camels, two by two, Destination, Timbuktuโ
The crowd are clapping and cheering, mightily impressed that he came up with this in just 20 seconds.
Next comes the turn of the old farmer. He steps up to the mic:
โMe and Tim off hunting went, Found three girls in a pop-up tent, They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.โ
The crowd go ballistic.
AlanPThorpeDJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Does Sean Connery like herbs? Yes, but only partially.
qwiwq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:54:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between jam and Marmite?
You canโt Marmite it up her ass.
BobSacramanto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:55:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Laedorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone makes a joke about the holocaust
Me: "Hey, my grand-grand-father died in Auschwitz!
... He fell from a guardtower..."
UnknownSnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey did you hear that (whatever state youโre in) passed a new law?
They are making round hey bales illegal.
Because the horses arenโt getting a square meal.
io_thanateros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:59:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between true love and herpes?
Herpes lasts forever
yujuismypuppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How long before I see the 'best' comments on /r/Jokes
WandelendeTak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return when you throw it?
"a branch"
Aenigma66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Always borrow money from pessimists. They're not expecting you to pay it back.
GallantGentleman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:03:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The CIA recruits a navy seal for a deep cover covert mission in Russia. He completes an extensive language course, including obscure dialects, he learns russian customs and traditions, gets briefed for his mission, put on a plane and paradrops over Silberia in the middle of the night. He burns his parachute, walks to the next village and enters the local bar.
"Nastrovje" he shouts when entering the bar. The man next to the door smiles at him and in broken English tells him "you are no Russian". "Ya Russkiy!" the seals cries out, goes to the bar, grabs a bottle of vodka and jots it down as if it was milk. The barkeeper looks at him, shakes his head and says "impressive. But you're no Russian". "Ya Russkiy!" the seal cries out, jumps on a table and starts to dance prisyadka while singing old Russian folk songs. An old Silberian stops him. "Son, you're not Russian!". Desperate the seal asks him "why am I not Russian??" The old Silberian smiled and says: "You know in Russia....there's no black boys".
Dubeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Favorite from a friend:
"For a band called Aerosmith, they really don't have many songs about fletching."
Dumroesenation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:05:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My new one is What's the difference between a hippo and a hippo? One big and the other is a little lighter. Lol I can't help but laugh every time.
Kunning-Druger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hippo and Zippo?
Dumroesenation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oops..lol. I was giggling when I was typing
lukelorian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:06:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the seal say when he saw your girlfriend(/wife/fiance)
While clapping: "WHORE!WHORE!WHORE!"
McUpt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two man came into a bar. The first man said "i want some H2O.". The second man said "I want some H2O too.".
The second man died.
delanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I tell this joke but I can't say it's a never fail. But I love it.
A man walks into a bar and sits down. The barman can't help but notice that half of his head is an orange. He waits patiently and when the man orders and he brings him his drink, he has to ask.
"What's with your head?"
The man looks at him and says "Well...it's a bit of a story...
"You may not believe me but I found a magic lamp and was given three wishes. I wasn't sure myself so to test it I asked to have unlimited money. And POOF!! I got it. Let me show you."
So he opens his wallet and shows the barman. It has $2000 in it. He turns round and says "Drinks for everyone!!" The barman takes the orders, the man pays and closes his wallet. When everyone is served, the man opens his wallet again....and there is still $2000 in there.
"It just refills every time."
"Wow!" says the barman.
"So now I knew it worked, for my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
The barman nods.
"Look around...tell me what you see."
Sure enough, the barman notices that all the women are either outright flirting with him, or stealing glances and smiling whenever they can.
"That's amazing!"
"I know! It's great." Says the man.
"So I had one wish left and I didn't know what to ask for. So I asked to have half an orange for a head."
JCarranoJr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:13:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My all time favorite was:
โTwo guys walk into a bar, 3rd one ducksโ
breakfastcrumbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:14:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a steak and a meteorite?
One's a meat and the other's a little meteor.
OnlyRefutations ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:15:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
BoaMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:18:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call nuts on your wall? Walnuts! What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts! What do you call nuts on your chin?.... My dick in your mouth!
Hadducken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
I have made childcare professionals howl at this joke and then instantly regret laughing.
Bcarey1233 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear Trump is trying to ban shredded cheese? He is trying to make America grate again.
TheKocsis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know if you toss an egg to the concrete floor with it's rounded side, it will not break?
Wow, no, really? :O
you stupid fuck you know how hard a concrete floor is? of course it won't break..
KingMCPEx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What was Hitler's least favorite drink?
Juice.
Thekokza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit situational, but here goes. When somebody asks me if I like football, I tell them "yes, my brother has a season ticket and I go with him sometimes". Then I pause for a second and say "I mean, I buy a ticket sometimes, I Don't sit on his lap." Knocks 'em dead without fail.
i-am-the-pantaloon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A mother has three daughters. The first daughter comes up to her mother and say "Mama, why did you name me Rose?" The mother says, "Because we put rose petals on your head when you were born." The second daughter comes to her mother and says, "Mama, why did you name me Lily?" The mother says, "Because we put lily petals on your head when you were born." The third daughter comes to her mother and says, "HRFHUFRSRVHNJ" The mother asks, "What was that, Brick?"
logrey-joyrider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:38:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirate's favourite subject at school?
Arrrrrt.
What is a pirate's favourite suit in a deck of cards?
Hearrrrts.
What is a pirate's favourite letter in the alphabet?
(They say arrrrrr)
No. It be the C
BoaMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call the bit of skin around the vagina? A: Woman
kjvlv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
After reading the parpers the judge takes off his glass and says; "Mr. mouse, I am sorry but saying your wife is crazy is not sufficient enough reason to get a divorce"
Mickey Mouse replies; "Your honor, I did not say she was crazy,, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!"
fetaole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
John โdude, you gotta hear what happened last night!โ
Barry โwhat?โ
John โI was having sex in my bathtub with this girl the other night. Suddenly she slips and slams her front teeth into the edge of the bath, the whole front row of teeth falls outโ
Barry โoh my god, is she okay?โ
John โ donโt worry, it was only baby teethโ
Reddituser000000084 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Greek man going down a slide?
Condescending
Gets me every time
thewickedgoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Since you never specified what "Never fail" means - then this one:
Me: "What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?" Them: "What?" Me: "I don't have a Ferrari in my garage, and if I had I wouldn't be masturbating all over it" Them: Look of disgust
Never fails.
apachewarrior23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After not feeling very well for a time, a man goes to the doctor to see what's going on.
The doctor tells the man that unfortunately, he only has one day left to live.
So the man shoots the doctor and the judge gave him 50 years. It's a miracle!
shnutz69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor? I hardly know her!
HierEncore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
izzo603 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are walking along the side of the road when they see a dog licking himself the one man says to the other I wish I could do that the other man response that dog will bite you
SawdustIsMyCocaine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a paedophile, rapist, and a Catholic priest walks into a bar and he orders a beer.
superdan0812 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Where does the general keep his armies?... A: In his sleevies
SawdustIsMyCocaine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:17:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a naked unicyclist and a fully clothed cyclist? Attire.
Seamlesslytango ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the day of the superbowl, crowds of sports fans were pouring into the stadium. Everyone was excited for the big game until a funeral procession came through. Most people waited patiently as the cars passed, but one man stepped forward, took off his hat and held it over his chest, and shed one tear. After the cars passed, another man nearby came to his side and said, "That's a really nice thing you just did there." The first man said, "Well, she was a really great wife."
bigfatpaulie198 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two beekeepers are discussing their hobby. The first one asks โHow many bees do you have?โ
โTen thousand,โ replies the second.
โImpressive,โ says the first. โHow many hives?โ
โ5. What about you? You have many bees?โ
โA million,โ says the first beekeeper.
โA million bees?!โ his friend asks amazed, โhow many hives?โ
โOne.โ
โYou have a million bees in one hive?โ Replies the second beekeeper incredulously.
โYeah fuck โem, theyโre only bees.โ
PM_ME_ANIME_GIRLS_TY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"
mildboner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A little late.. but some of you may still see it. Q: What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? A: If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
HoB6oblin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Lion get lost?
Because the Junglist Massive
W W W W wicked wicked.....
csgecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you fucking racist
Richard_Darx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tittilate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tits a lot.
reincarN8ed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hydrogen atoms are hanging out when one says to the other "I'm missing an electron!" The other asks "are you sure?" and the first replies "yes, I'm positive."
BobcatOU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see said the blind man as he got his hammer and saw.
MoeSzyslakMoProblems ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
effervescenthoopla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the jailbreak from the other day? A little person predicted his escape, and he escaped! He's a small medium at large.
Skiie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why people consider Harry Potter to be Real fantasy.
RL stien isnt even a man.
RonDonkley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From Jim Hamilton: "I cut myself while shaving, because who has time to do both?"
C__Wayne__G ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:00:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Cowboy 1: what's your name pardner Cowboy 2: johnny 12 guns on account of my 12 guns how bout you pardner Cowboy 1: Johnny 13 guns
teke367 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Lone Ranger gets kidnapped by Indians. They are about to kill him, but the Chief's daughter remembers him, and says he had saved her life. The Chief says they will still kill him, but they will grant him one wish first, and kill him the next day.
"I wish to speak to my horse, and for him to understand me". The wish is granted. The Lone Ranger whispers into his horse's ear, and the horse leaves. A few hours later the horse returns with a naked woman.
The men of the tribe are excited, and decide to give the Lone Ranger one more wish. Again he wishes to speak to his horse, which is granted.
"POSSE GOD DAMMIT! I SAID BRING ME A POSSE!" Screams the Lone Ranger.
spartanwa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish
Psycho22089 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a man walks into a bar and says "ouch"
Meerski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two brothers, a 10 year old and 8 year old, wake up one morning and decide they should start cussing in front of their parents. The 10 year old says โokay, Iโll go first and Iโll say fuck then you say assโ.
At breakfast their mom asks โwhat would you like for breakfast sweetie?โ To the older brother.
10 year old says, โWell Mom. Iโm gonna have some fucking Cheeriosโ.
The Mom is livid. She spanks the 10 year old multiple times and sends him back to his room.
After calming down she asks the 7 year old โnow what would you like for dinner young man?โ
7 year old says โI donโt know, but you can bet your ass it ainโt no Cheeriosโ.
nightpain69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's fun for people who like to shit people with long shaggy dog stories and vent a bit, and it's hard to fuck up:
A guy was wandering the streets, overthinking things, and sees doctor's office which is open late. He walks in, makes an emergency appointment, sits down, and waits to be called. His name is finally called and he gets up, follows the doctor to his office, and sits down in the chair. The doctor says, "how can I help you today?" "Well, doc, I'm having a hard time. See I'm pretty down at the moment. My job is dead-end, no matter how hard I work, the boss just promoted the new guy over me. I'm the breadwinner of the household but it's getting harder and harder to make ends meet. Because of the money woes me and my wife argue constantly. I have a nagging suspicion that she's cheating on me, she won't even look at me. My kids have just turned into angsty teens and have no damned respect for me whatsoever no matter what; I've tried being the cool dad and I've tried playing hardball but they're always buried in their phones and whatever. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, and there's nothing I can do to fix any of it, and worst of all, I truly believe that I am a moth." The doctor nods and pauses and says, "this all sounds very serious but you are aware I'm not a psychiatrist and I don't really know you at all, why did you choose to come in tonight?" The guy says, "Your light was on, I was drawn to it."
PrincessOfTheSwamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mickey is divorcing Minnie. The lawyer asks,
โIt says here youโre divorcing her because sheโs very silly?โ
โNo, itโs cause sheโs fucking Goofyโ
COOLSerdash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My doctor said I should lose some weight. I asked: How? He said: "Just don't eat anything fatty.", "You mean like chips and fries, that kind of stuff?", "No, just don't eat anything, fatty!".
Zorpholex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A polar bear walks 10 miles south 10 miles east and then 10 miles north yet is in the same spot where he started. Where is the polar bear?
North pole.
darkmind403 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also works if you just say "A bear walks.....what colour is it?" (White)
Zorpholex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yea that is how it is supposed to go. I forgot.
Zorpholex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher asked this riddle when I was a kid and I was so proud of myself because I was the only one to figure it out and I had never heard it before.
sandyposs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It USED to be the pirate captain's brown trousers joke. Then Game Of Thrones used it and now everyone knows it. >:(
Teslacoil8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Being Asian: do you know what you call a fat Chinese man? - a chunk.
EricT59 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Panther?
Panther who?
Panther no panth I'm going thwimin
Nightshade75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A capitalist, a socialist and a comunist have plannes to meet in a bar. The capitalist and the comunist arrive on time but the socialist is late.
After 20 minutes the socialist finally bursts through the door. Panting, he says:
"Sorry guys, I had to wait in the queue for my sausages."
The other two look at each other in confusion.
The capitalist asks: "What queue?"
The comunist askes: "What sausages?"
jkwolly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have posted this before, but it's still awesome:
"I told my wife I was going to build us a car out of spaghetti.
She said I was crazy and to stop making stupid comments.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta."
TippsAttack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dad joke: "I took a color blind test. I got the results back. Turns out, I'm color blind." "....man, that came out the purple."
ParryHisParry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island
All of a sudden an unconscious naked woman washes up on shore.
One lawyer says to the other: "Hey... uh... wanna screw her?" The other one says: "out of what?!"
dat_ags_spec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Finance Joke Why is Ireland so rich? their capital be Dublin
Caltaras ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that diarrhea is inheritable?
-It runs in your jeans
UrgentUrchin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two hats are on a hat rack. One says "You stay here, I'll go on ahead".
jofstra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer in a field? because the grass tickles their little balls
SonicBanjo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
Groucho Marx
BombasticTacoz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a male politician become after sticking a potato down his pants?
A dick-tater.
jimmypagesguitar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, as I was going down on my grandma, I tasted blood and horse cum. "Oh!" I thought to myself. "So that is how she died!"
Edit to add: Make sure your audience is drunk, or someone else told a foul joke first before telling this one.
_River_Song_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad
hardly_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a circus and a brothel? One has a cunning array of stunts........
hardly_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Accidently got some haemorrhoid cream on my fruit bowl and now my grapes have disappeared.
xBUDDHAx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last biggest hit was the wall.
jedrekk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a kid, fat people like having kids because it's proof we've had sex.
ShesWideOpen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Pseudocarp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky
A stick...
charleseh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are Pirates always angry? Be cause the ARRRGH
Whats a Pirates favourite letter of the Alphabet? You'd think its R, but really its the C.
How much do Pirates pay for corn? A Buccaneer
NitzKimel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NSFW joke
A mother drives on the highway with her 5 years old daughter. All of a sudden a giant penis slams on the windshield. Terrified by the taught of her daughter seeing this, the mother uses the wipes to clear the penis off the windshield ASAP. A few minutes later the daughter asks "mommy, what was that?". Not knowing what to answer, the mother says "well, honey, that was d... uck! That was a very weird duck!". "Whoa!" says the daughter with excitement, "did you see the cock on this duck?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A black guy walks into a bar.
He banged his head pretty hard.
Firework64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:25:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mum
HappinessIsAPotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:04 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A soldier fighting in the trenches somehow scrambles and loses his gun. Enemy soldiers are still advancing on him. In a panic he holds up his hands as if it were still there and yells, "Bang!". He is shocked to see the enemy he was aiming at fall over dead. Feeling heartened, he aims at another enemy and yells, "Bang!". That man also dies.
Elated, the soldier starts advancing, yelling, "Bang! Bang! Bang!", mowing down the enemy. Suddenly he sees an enemy soldier walking jerkily towards him, his arms stiff at his sides, bent at the elbow with his hands extending forwards. He focuses on that enemy and yells, "Bang!".
But the enemy doesn't die. He keeps moving forward in his weird pose. Confused, the soldier again yells, "Bang!". The enemy is still coming. Panicking now as the enemy advances, the soldier yells hysterically, "Bang! Bang! BANG!". But nothing happens.
The soldier collapses in despair. The enemy keeps advancing jerkily. Soon, the soldier hears the ominous chant, "Tank. Tank. Tank."
Best told with hand gestures
TheRealShiggles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:26 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, a long one here.
In an old town in Central Europe, there was an ancient cathedral. However, the old bell ringer had recently passed away, and the church needed someone to ring the bells. An old crippled man approached the church and said he could do the job. The priest looked at the man skeptically, as his arms were malformed. The priest decided to give the man a chance and let him try and ring the bells. To the priests surprise, the crippled man walked up to the bells and smashed his forehead against the bells. While at first he was met with disgust, after a few seconds the priest realized this was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. The priest hired the crippled man, and let him stay in the cathedral.
One morning the crippled man found the wine for morning mass, and proceeded to drink all of the stock in the church. He then went upstairs to ring the bells. He didn't realize how intoxicated he was, and hit his head on one of the bells rather hard. He staggered backwards and fell from the top of the cathedral.
Hundreds of people gathered around, and after hearing what happened, the priest pushed his way to the body. When asked if anyone knew the man, the priest was the only one who did. The priest couldn't recall the man's name, but stated his face rang a bell.
fcuknuckle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:21 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman us standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror. She moans to her husband.. "Yeww, I look horrible .. I feel fat & ugly. Pay me a complinent!" He replies "your eyesight's perfect".
OnceThereWasAPenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:10 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are two potatoes walking down the street together. They're best friends. They're joking around, having a great time, when all of a sudden a car whips around the corner and hits one of the potatoes. It's bad. The potato gets air lifted to the hospital and goes straight into surgery. His friend is pacing around in the waiting room for hours and hours, he can barely stand it. Finally, 5 hours or so later, the surgeon comes out to talk to the friend. He says, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news... is that it looks like your friend is going to make it. That bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Or #freemashedpotatoes for you gory folks.
Allodoxia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:19 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A child molester and a small boy are walking into a forest. Time passes as they walk farther and farther into the forest. The sun starts going down and the air starts getting chilly. Eventually the little boy looks up at the child molester and says, โmister, Iโm getting kinda scared.โ The child molester looks down at the boy and says, โyouโre scared? I have to walk out of here alone!โ
JesteroftheApocalyps ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:41:24 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This joke works better if you change "child molester" to "clown".
Get_Schwifty477 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you're donkey eats my roosters feet?
Two feet of my cock in your ass!
Maxwell_Morning ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
Whatโs blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath...
Daeyel1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Frying Pan Joke (so named because the scoutmasters got wise and banned The Sheep Joke)
A man is driving down a country road and sees a man performing an unnatural act upon a sheep. Stunned, he stops and watches to make sure he is seeing what he thinks he is seeing.
Yep, that man definitely is doing the deed with the sheep.
Shaking his head in disgust, he continues driving down the road.
A couple miles down the road, he sees a boy in the field. He stops and asks the boy what he knows about the man a couple miles back.
'It's my da-a-a-a-ddy.'
DJstar22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:26 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Best thread ever.
ilikecookieslawl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:07 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh
YetiMachete85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:24 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom
Never fails
twistedtim42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:16 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
credit of course to Sickipedia
ellopeple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:50 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a man goes to the doctors cause hes having trouble in bed so the man asks the doctor if he has anything to help him in bed and the doctor does. so the doctor hands over a prescription bottle of Viagra and says take 1 every time your about to do (stuff and things) so the guy does but it wont work so the man goes back and the doctor says take 2 so the man does but it still wont help so the doctor says take 3 so he does but it still wont work so finally the doctor tells the man to take the whole dam bottle so the man does the man has int called or came to talk to the doctor in a week so the doctor decides to check on him the doctor arrives at his house and sees a little boy limping and crying on the porch the doctor asks what wrong? the boy replies: moms dead my sisters pregnant and dads running around the house saying here kitty kitty
youngkyun7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:57 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men get trapped on an island, and eventually get caught by a tribe of cannibalistic natives. The chief comes up to them and offers each of them one chance at survival, to which the men agree to. The chief first tells them to run out and each grab 10 of one kind of fruit of their choice on the island. They all split up.
The first man comes back within minutes with 10 apples. The chief orders him to stuff each and every one up his butt without making a noise, and only after he is successful he will be freed. On the 4th apple, the man cries out in pain, so the chief orders the man to be cooked and eaten. The second man, with cherries, is ordered to do the same. On the 9th cherry, he suddenly bursts out in laughter. He is also killed.
Both men meet up in the afterlife eventually, and the first man asks the second, "why did you make a sound? You were so close." The second man proclaims, "I couldn't help it, I saw the last guy coming with pineapples!"
crimsonros3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:31 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
kingmeapmop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:14 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
u/bewilly55
witchesrulebitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:15 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did jimmy fall off his bicycle?
Cause jimmy was a fish.
Thee-Artful-Dodger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:55 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I won the lottery do you know the first thing Iโd buy? A new butt. No, seriously. Donโt laugh. Mine has a crack in it.
mrollins42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:07 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Doc says to his patient "I've got good news and bad news." Man says "Give it to me straight, Doc, what's the bad news?" Doc wrings his hands and with a serious face tells him "Okay, you've got incurable cancer with only 30 days to live." Man says "Oh no! You gotta tell me, what's the good news?!" Doc says "That foxy nurse that checked you in? I've been screwing her twice a week!"
chiefjefexay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:23:45 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other TIDE
tkhrt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:13 on April 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
hippybiker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:28 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I got a great deal on an Italian WWII rifle. Never fired, but it was dropped once.
namenotinserted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:55:10 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys have been walking through the desert for days. They're hungry, they're thirsty, and they need a way home. Eventually, they happen upon a house in the middle of nowhere. One of them runs up to the door to make sure it's not a mirage. After he knocks on the door, he returns to the other two, crying and so scared he's unable to speak. The second guy runs to the door, and comes back just the same as the other. The third guy walks to the door, knocks, and an old old old lady answers. "What do you want?" She grumbles to him "Well you see, my friends and I are hungry, thirsty, and in desperate need of a way home. Are you able to help us?" "Yes, but if and only if you have sex with me" He looks back at his friends and realizes now why they were so distraught. But he also realizes that is their only hope. He nods and follows the old lady inside. On the way to the bedroom, he notices in the kitchen three ears of corn next to an open window. He has an idea. "Okay lady, I'll still have sex with you, but we have to do it here and you cant look at me" She agrees, and as she bends over, he grabs the first ear of corn and uses it on her. After she finishes, he chucks it out the window. As she lays their breathing heavy she exclaims, "Now you have food, if you want the water you have to do it again" So, he takes the second piece of corn, and does the same thing as before, chucking it out the window when she finishes. "Now you have the food and the water, but if you want the keys to my Jeep you need to do it again one last time" So he takes the last piece of corn, and uses it on her; throwing it out the window when shes done. Soon after, he runs out to greet his friends with his accomplishments. "Guys guys, I did it! I have food, water, and a way home!" His friends look up at him and respond "Thank you so much! But we won't need the food, we found three juicy pieces of corn!"
bellsofwar3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:33 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man likes to get naked and wrap himself in saran wrap. After a few days he decides to see a doctor to check his mental state. He says "doc I think I have a problem," to which the doctor responds "well i can clearly see your nuts."
megadeth37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:14 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
And clingy
shirlbutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:27 on April 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the washing machine laughing?
It was taking the piss out the pants.
(my personal all time favourite joke)
irotsoma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:10 on April 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Only works spoken really:
"What do you call a group of Londoners standing around waiting to get Vietnamese noodle soup?"
"Phแป Queue"
And if they happen to get it you can say, "Fuck you, too. I was only trying to tell you a joke."
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:55:17 on April 17, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I did my back in telling it that many times I'd start the arms and head then start laughing, and give myself an injury in the process
bgier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:51 on April 18, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender pours the pirate a drink, is overcome with curiosity and finally asks, "Captain...I can't help but notice that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants."
"AArrrr....I know. It's driving me nuts."
knowmeornot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:27 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There was one guy called Tom who desired to become the most successful director worldwide related to Thriller suspense movies. One day, he got an idea to create a movie and he went on to fulfill his desires.
Then, after a day he created a 2 hour long movie which he claimed to be world's most thriller suspense movie ever made. He sent out invitations to Christopher Nolan, Tom cruise, Leonardo etc famous artists to watch his movie on premier day. Everyone agrees and go to watch the movie.
The movie starts, every credits at the start of the movie let it be actor, producer, director, musician, editor, writer etc everything was done by Tom. Audience admired Tom for that. Then, the movie starts, Intense music and after a few seconds a clock appears. The clock's hand were pointing at 1.
Everyone thought this seems to be an amazing start for a suspense thriller. Minutes passed, but still the movie displayed the clock with hour hand ticking slowly. Now, everyone seems frustrated. 1 hour passed and still the same boring clocked. Now, every audience were furious. Tom locked the theatre from outside. 2 hour passed with the last scene still focused on clock. Everyone was exhausted. The theatre exit door opens.
The media, critics and other celebrities who came to watch the movie ran and circled Tom and asked him one question 'What the hell was this movie ? Where is the suspense ?'. Tom, replies in calm tone 'The biggest suspense of the movie was whether the time shown on the clock was A.M or P.M ยฏ_(ใ)_/ยฏ'
megadeth37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:40 on April 19, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nsfw joke
A fly is hovering 6 inches about the water.
A fish below the fly watches thinking "if that fly drops ill get to eat!"
A bear watching the fish notices that if that fish jumped he could catch the fish.
A trophy hunter has been stalking the bear for hours. Finally conviced, he will take his shot if the bear moves for the fish.
A mouse watching the hunter notices that a dead bear would leave the hunters lunch exposed
All the while a cat has the butt-wiggle engaged for the mouse
The fly falls, the fish eats. The bear gets the fish and is then shot by the hunter. The hunter runs toward the carcass as the mouse makes a break for his lunch. The cat leaps but misses and falls in the creek.
Tldr: when a fly drops 6 inches a pussy gets wet.
bsmilner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:17 on April 21, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why canโt you hear a psychologist go to the toilet?
Because the p is silent
xdelfinyx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:46 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a Peterbilt and a porcupine? With the Peterbilt, the pricks are on the inside.
PM_ME_UR_OBSIDIAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:07 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If a quiz is quizzical, then what is a test?
CrazyKing79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:55 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of drug does fish use?
Sea weed!
Learned that from Sean!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:58 on April 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A long-haul truck driver is driving at 50mph when he sees a chicken running alongside his vehicle. "I must be imagining things" he thinks to himself and he speeds up to 60mph. After a few minutes he looks out of his window and is startled to see this chicken again, still keeping speed with his truck. In a frenzied state of disbelief he speeds up to 70mph and WOOSH! The chicken flies past him, overtakes him and leaves the road at the next exit. Curious and determined to get to the bottom of what has just happened, the truck driver takes the same exit to try and follow the chicken. After a few miles he arrives in a small farming village and sees a farmer standing with his son outside a barn so he shouts over to ask about the chicken.
"Excuse me sir! I know I may sound crazy but did you happen to see a very fast chicken run through here recently?"
"Ah yeah. That'll be one of my own chickens you saw. Fast ain't they?" the farmer asked.
"Yes! Very! How on earth did they get to be so quick?" the trucker replied.
"Well..." said the farmer "I specially breed them so that they have 3 legs. That extra leg gives them the extra speed. "
"Why would you want a 3 legged chicken?" the trucker asked.
"Well you see at dinner, I like to eat a leg, my wife likes to eat a leg and my son also likes a leg and that makes 3."
"That's amazing! Does the special breeding make them taste any different?"
"I have no idea." said the farmer, "I've never fucking caught one of the bastards!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:02 on April 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you ask a New Yorker what time is it?
Could you tell me what time is it, or should I just go f*k myself?
em322609 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:53 on April 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a gorilla with an Italian?
A retarded gorilla.
Quest-Ian-Mark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:16 on April 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Read this on a laffy taffy wrapper many years ago:
Q. Why was the strawberry upset?
A. Because he was in a jam.
Its-Felix-Actually ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:25 on April 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why donโt bunnies make a sound when they fuck?
They have cotton balls!
FreakyLeak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:44 on May 1, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar, the other one ducks.
Problemkidd_330 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:14 on May 5, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Buttfuck18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:05 on May 6, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Birth
NecessaryHuckleberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:38 on May 8, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
SkinwalkingTapeworm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:30 on May 10, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was conceived at a bukakke party, it was hard finding my father
PhelanPKell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:06:49 on May 24, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So this guy is screwing this woman one night, and she yells "Yoshi! Yoshi!"
He thinks she's asking for more, so he keeps going.
The next day he's playing golf with some buddies. He gets a hole in one, and yells "Yoshi! Yoshi!"
His friend turns to him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
augustwinterman44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:02 on May 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blind man fall down the well? He didnt see that well.
Why do flamingos stand on one foot? If they didn't, they would fall.
Bretrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:12 on May 27, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Husband says to Wife,
"I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it"
Wife says to husband
"You wear Underpants, don't you"?
CBS70 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:21 on June 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Funny!
Rajeshrox123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:11 on June 9, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice joke.
Redninja09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:12 on June 10, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Random human: "Jesus christ!"
Me: "Yes?"
Billthehill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:55 on June 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Young nervous journalist on his first assignment.
"So, Vicar. How old is this church, exactly?"
"Ah actually its Norman."
Journo " I see. So exactly how old is this church then, Norman?"
JuicyTidePod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:34 on June 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I normally just scream really loudly.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:54:28 on June 22, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you say to a lazy pair of pants? Stop slacking!
dr_stickyfingers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:03 on June 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy down on his luck sees a sign in a bar window to "win 1000" so he goes in to find out how.
Bartender says, first you have to knock that big guy out at the end of the bar in one punch, second I have a pitbull with an abscess tooth that needed pulled, third, you have to go upstairs and make love to my 400 pound wife.
The gentleman declined, but after a few hours of drinking changed his mind. He walks right up to the big man at the bar and knocks him out cold.
He then goes in the back where the dog is. For an hour they hear the poor dog barking and crying.
Finally our hero returns and asked, "so where is this fat bitch with the abscess tooth"
horbalorba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:15 on June 26, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Wanna hear a joke about pizza?"
"Naw it's too cheesy"
Woodland1407 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:32 on June 30, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there Radio Radio who Radio not here I come
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:59 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Classic !! ๐๐คฃ
Dont_Do_It_FFS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:15 on July 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me too, but that's part of the joke anyway, good on you ๐๐
FeistyHeistNeighboor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:08 on July 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck
basedinspoons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:44 on July 14, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Piece of rope walks into a bar.
bull-shit-brother ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:20 on July 15, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You
XavierMunroe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:19:57 on July 16, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I went to McDonalds once and they didnโt have any trays. I felt betrayed.
DrEmmettBrownGS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:27 on July 20, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock
Who's there?
cow says who?
NO, a cow says moooooooooo.
MagicalMuffinDruide ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:38 on July 28, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am the senate gets laughs way more than you may think, and fits in pretty often
krishnakeshan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:37 on July 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one's stolen but it's damn good.
Why did the old lady fall in the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
evinfletcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:51 on July 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am finding all the heavily reposted Reddit jokes here
evinfletcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:13 on July 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those threads where the real joke is in the replies to a comment
Miragold123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:23 on August 2, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a vertically challenged person that had just escaped a high-security prison and can communicate with the dead?
A small Medium at Large
Brrr-TacticZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:25 on August 6, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Save
mreed1972 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:09 on August 23, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it so difficult to solve a Red-Neck Murder?
DNA is all the same and no dental records.
Nd3w ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:22 on August 25, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Norway keep barcodes on their warships? So when they get to port they can just Scandinavian!
Lookatdisgui ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:25 on September 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy is walking down a street like this (stand up and do intense thrusting/humping motions). A cop come up and asks him โmate what the hell do you think you are doing?โ To which the man replies โFuckin nothing!โ
IGchairloversunite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:03 on September 29, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually just show people my passport picture.
mmhan91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:27:57 on October 5, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
poo
TacticalBeast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:01 on October 7, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do ducks have feathers? To cover up their butt quacks.
[deleted] ยท -20 points ยท Posted at 20:44:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
WIT_MY_WOES ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:22:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao at the edit
wtvfck ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:27:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Upvoted for the edit.
Notjustnow ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:22:55 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs not gold, itโs a stick.
WhoCares5663 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The United States.
That's the joke.
MontegoBarbados ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Lots of โnever-failโ jokes that have failed to make me laugh.
Blair_Bubbles ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 22:33:33 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Them: your mom is gay
Me: no u
Rad0555 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:48:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Black Lives Matter"
pagnoodle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There were two muffins sitting in an over. One turned to the other and said, โMan, itโs really getting hot in here.โ The other one looked at him and said,โOH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!โ
toasterofjustice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:23 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the old lady fall down the well? Because she could not see that well.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:52 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear about my sex life? (Soft crying follows)
Llquinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:48:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yer Ma
AGooDone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:52:50 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted...
boxtroll44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:06:53 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"I sweat like a pregnant nun in church" Funny no matter what demographics are around.. and true
L3D_Cobra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:12:58 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
Excali-blob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the one hand man cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
But if it's the appropriate audience (not old or a kid): How do you make a fireman cry? Kill his family
Tittybaygs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:54 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?
I don't stick my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.
Spicydream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:39 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does an egg say when itโs drunk? Omelette (Iโm lit)
AJgriffen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a baby seal walks into a club...
SSeptic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:34:57 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Three men were walking by some mud and see some bricks. They want to see who can throw the bricks the highest but can't seem to figure out how to measure the height that they threw it. One of the guys says "we can just measure how far the brick sinks into the mud." The other two agree to this. The first guy throws his brick and it lodges itself a foot and a half in the mud. The second guy throws his brick up and it lands three feet into the mud. The last guy throws his brick up with all his might... and it doesn't come back down.
One day a woman decided to go on a vacation with her parrot. She wanted to go to France but the only tickets she could get were no parrot no smoking tickets. Not wanting to leave her parrot at home, she simply stores the parrot in her shirt and acts like she is pregnant. While on the plane, the pilot is walking down the aisle smoking a cigar. He stops at the woman and asks her how her flight is going. Before she can reply, the parrot says "it's going great". Surprised, the pilot pulls the parrot out from under her shirt. "You can't have a parrot on this plane!" He says. She takes the cigar from his mouth and says "Well you can't have a cigar on this plane!" Enraged, the pilot throws the parrot out the window. This incites the woman to throw the cigar out the window. The pilot returns to the cockpit and is angry about losing his cigar. He's about to light up another one when he hears a knock on the windshield. He looks up and sees the parrot. And what was in his mouth?
The brick.
intheflowers_ac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:40:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hm.
SSeptic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:27 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this downvoted?
Blinktwink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:48:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wearing crocs are like getting your dick sucked by another man. It feels great until you look down and realise you're gay.
bdiggles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my first time having sex was a lot like my first time riding a bike. my dad was holding me from behind.
ChurchillsHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:54:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
in German accent, must be completely deadpan One. Because we are efficient and have no humor.
RS177 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is there any truth behind this?
ChurchillsHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No. The Germans I tell this to all think it's hilarious because it's hire everyone else understands Germans. I mean, efficient, yes. But not exceedingly so, also the humour exists. They laugh at everything.
Edit: this is anecdotal for me, but I do work for and with Germans, and a large percentage of our clientele is also German.
Hawk_fever2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try Amy Schumer
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:56:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My neighbor lesbians gave me a watch for my birthday. When asked what do I want for my birthday, I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Pontlfication ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
mickeyblu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:21 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A five-year-old comes to her dad crying, saying she is afraid to get pregnant and have a baby in her belly. Her father laughs softly and tells her not to worry, that she is too young to be pregnant.
So the girl runs to the window and shouts to the kids playing in the yard "It's OK you guys, you can cum inside!"
Mcginnis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:01 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How was copper wire invented? Two jews fighting over a penny
PlzMichaelBayThis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:03 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of bacon and a sausage are sitting in a frying pan. The sausage says "gee, its getting really hot in here!" The piece of bacon says "WOW, a talking sausage!"
BlueAdmir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you know what helps for a sore throat? Practice."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sex life.
romper_el_dia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:16 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
connectjim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:13:04 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone else give up, scrolling in vain, trying to find a joke that is not a pun? Sigh.
hamptyhams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:59 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The barman says "sorry we don't serve food in here."
JayPlaysBeamNG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi welcome to Chili's
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:15 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
Saw the joke here on reddit a few years back and instantly thought it was one of the best jokes I've ever heard.
rolli_83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai donโt like the Flintstones but Abi Dhabi Doooo!
Bassman1976 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:37 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Also...
A man walks by the beach and he hears cries coming from the bushes. He separates the tall grass to find a girl without arms and legs. He picks her up. "Why are you crying!" he says. "Well...I'm 21, i have no legs and no arms, and I've never been kissed!''
The man looks left, looks right, and gently kisses the girl and the lips. "Thank you" she says, as the guy puts her back in the bushes.
On his way back, he hears cries again. He goes straight the bushes, to see the same girl, still crying.
"I kissed you...So what's wrong?"
"I'm 21, no arms, no legs. You kissed me, but I've never been fucked..."
The guy looks left, looks right, then hurls the girls into the sea, screaming "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"
Mikofthewat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Cid7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
ANSWER: Only half of what comes out of her vagina is retarded.
Let the downvoting commence
zorbid14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:03:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah because Reddit is so conservative!
Cid7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
More for making a retard joke
zorbid14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:01:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah you're right, I don't really know why I just completely ignored the fact that it was also making fun of retarded people. Have a good day!
huessy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try Dane Cook
SpecialEdmonson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
chinmakes5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear Tony the Tiger was murdered? Cereal killer.
XcSDeadDeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yesterday my 5 year son smashed a butterfly while playing outside. As a punishment I told him no butter for a week.
Today my 4 year old daughter must have caught on because she was sitting on the kitchen floor and smashed a cockroach. I laughed and told her nice try.
Penapenis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know whats brown and sticky?
A stick
FlyingAvacado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:18 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs two muffins in an oven.
The first muffin says โOh man, itโs hot in here.โ
The second muffin goes โOH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!โ
...or...
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand?
Quatro sinko
ninjah1944 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a Ferrari and a boner?
I donโt have a Ferrari right now
RoboticAnatomy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the "V" shape that geese fly in, always longer on one side than the other?
Because there is more geese on that side.
palomar_knot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
What's brown and sticky? A brown stick
Nestrada00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your moms so stupid she tried to drown a fish
cutthroatink15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Has anybody lost a large roll of $20 bills and a rubber band? Because we found the rubber band.
Wokanoga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What goes clop clop, bang bang, clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
catpoop20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic???
It runs in the genes
indiscriminatejerk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the two gay irishmen?
Yeah, Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
jeckles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name.
HanSoloBolo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone says anything about "Two more" I say "It's not a two more." like Arnold's "IT'S NOT A TUMOR!" from Kindergarten Cop.
It's a Scott Aukerman joke.
FiammatheCleric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anything self-deprecating lol. I know I'm horrendous at them but still.
zeniiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see what you did there
Cactus112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
delalt2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
thetexasunicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one.
Thefoad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black man in space? An astronaut.
Nail_Biterr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the King keep his Armies?
In his Sleevies.
Green-Leif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I traded in my therapist for a bartender, because I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Thanks uncle Mark.
nivekreclems ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
Big-Mozz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
riptide747 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A squirrel is in a tree when the tree starts to shake. The squirrel looks down to see a bear climbing up the tree. The squirrel looks down and yells, "Hey bear, why are you climbing into my tree?" The bear says, "I'm going to eat some pears." The squirrel says, "You idiot this is an apple tree there aren't any pears here." The bear replies, "It's okay I brought my own."
amboy565 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What sound does a train with jews on? Jew jew. Gets me everytime.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans?
The pair of jeans only has one fly on it.
Samwise007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whoโs the opposite of Christopher Walker.
Christopher Reeves
DifficultyWithMyLife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this might work better the other way around.
mossman_cometh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(Spoken in a pirate voice) โWhat be a pirateโs favorite letter of the alphabet?โ
โArrrrr!โ (The letter โRโ)
โAh, ye think it be the letter โRโ but it be the โCโ!โ (Sea)
cwinne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What has 7 arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard
yougotyolks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man is walking down the street, passes a fish market and says "Good morning, ladies!"
CaptainJeff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"
Romstinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending!
Ugievsoj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a gay horse's favorite food?
Hay~
Slateguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the partially blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
skipperhi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So me and my girlfriend were driving down the I-4 one day when I passed by this billboard for this place called Boardwalk Burgers. It's this wholesome fun, homeless people slapping patties on the grill kinda place right, so with my quick sharp wit I turned to my girlfriend and said "Boardwalk burgers? More like bored burgers because those burgers aren't having any fun"
Herbertlikesmuffins ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:54:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. My. God. I don' t think that I will find any joke funny after this one. Truly the apotheosis of comedy.
RollingOwl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
Catches them offguard everytime.
DetroitConcealment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
FatalTortoise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
why do fat women give the best blow jobs?
because they have to
magicpoopirate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a little girl are going on a hike through the woods. It's getting late so the woods are getting darker and darker. The little girl turns to the man and says "I'm scared", the man replies "you're scared? I have to walk back on my own!"
Navampato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh boy look at all these nice jokes I can repost in r/jokes tomorrow!
jimmyjazz2000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy worked for the CD-ROM gameshow 'You Don't Know Jack,' and was recording a celebrity edition with comedienne Phyllis Diller. They wanted to record her trademark laugh. She said "To do the laugh, I have to tell a joke." They were like, great, go for it. This is the joke she told:
Little girl walks into a barber shop eating a Hostess Twinkie. She sits in the barber chair, barber starts cutting her hair. Barber says, "Little girl, you're getting hair on your Twinkie." Little girl says, "Yeah, and I'm getting tits!"
And then she laughed that laugh;-0
I used to tell that joke all the time at work. It always killed. One day a very sweet woman I worked with said, "JimmyJazz, that joke of yours sucks, I told it and it bombed." I said, "Tell it to me." This was her version:
"Little girl walks into a barber eating a twinkie. Barber says, "You're getting hair on your pussy." Girl goes, "Yeah and I have boobs?"
I honestly don't know which version is funnier.
mconeone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A businessman goes on a trip to China. He's never been before, and he's a combination of excited and nervous.
He flies over and checks into the hotel which is near the ocean. With nothing to do until the big meeting with the Chinese conglomerates the next day, he decides to go for a nighttime walk on the beach.
While he's walking, he passes by a cute Chinese lady. She gives him a look, he gives her one back, and next thing you know the two are going at it. And she's going going crazy loving it. "Tzu de dong! Tzu de dong!" she's nearly screaming, over and over. Anyways, when he's done the two part ways and he goes in for the night.
The next day, the guy wakes up and goes to the big meeting. Nails it. To celebrate, he goes golfing with the Chinese businessmen. On the third hole, he gets a hole in one! Now only like one guy speaks English, and the businessman is so excited, he starts yelling "Tzu de dong! Tzu de dong!"
The one guy who speaks English turns to him and says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
xenopuffed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A cannibal was walking down the street when he passed his brother.
Taste_the__Rainbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When someone at work is bitching about doing their job I always tell them that Iโll make them a deal and theyโll get paid the whole time.
ron_swansons_meat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
But that's not a joke and also probably isn't well-received by the coworker.
pmandryk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck down his pants.
The bartender says to him, "Hey buddy, do you know that you have a ship steering wheel stuck down your pants?"
To which the pirate replies, "Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
Edit: grammar
max_d_tho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I donโt cum on an apple before I eat it.
Silverhouses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a trampoline and a pile of dead babies.
I take off my shoes before I jump on the trampoline.
mxmcharbonneau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A french pun joke:
"Pourquoi on appelle Pรขques comme รงa? Parce que quand Jesus est tombรฉ de la croix, รงa a fait "Pรขques""
See, in french Easter is called Pรขques, and it sounds kinda like "pawk", which sounds a bit like an onomatopoeia of an object hitting something. It would translate to something like this: "Why is Easter named Easter? Because when Jesus fell out of the cross, he went "Easter (Pรขques)"".
Super dumb joke, yet funny.
MikeOxmaul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
SrCoolbean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Reach out and feel someoneโs shirt and ask them โis this felt?โ Then when they say no, reply with โIt is nowโ Cracks me up every time, too bad Iโve pulled it on just about everyone I know.
Spook_93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I bought a dog off a blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
johnleeislegend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walkin.
WolfAlpha127 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you see the news today? The president took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary.
RockLobsterInSpace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My existence.
Shugyosha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care
DB473 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two snails crawl into a police station. Their shells are cracked, their eye stalks are bent, and they're moaning in pain. An officer asks, "Good Lord-what happened to you two?!"
One of the snails replies, "Officer, we were mugged and beaten by a gang of turtles."
The officer apologizes for their trouble, and then asks them, "I know you two have had a traumatic afternoon, but is there anyway you could desribe your assaulters?"
The other snail replies, "Well I don't know, it all happened so fast..."
bifteksupernova ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this written in a porta-potty today:
Mexican word of the day; US Mail
"Carlo, you need to take a shower. US Mail like shit"
DMmefreebeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
From bill hicks
Every job I ever had with a boss, I was always harassed. They'd go "hey how come you're not workin?" I say "cause there's nothing to do!" "Well you pretend like you're workin'". "Why don't YOU pretend I'm working?"
miamismartgirl09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There's an English cat and a French cat having a swimming race across the Channel. The English cats name is One, Two, Three. And the French Cats name is Un, Duex, Trois cat. Which cat one?
The One, Two, Three Cat because the Un Deux Trois cat sank
lala_vroom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't you own any flowers? Because you havenโt botany.
FastestZombieAlive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar...
He yelled โouch, fuckโ
TheAlphaEdgar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My love life
Grantethersworth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What sits in a corner and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
raptor102888 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What thinks the unthinkable?
An itheberg.
Uraneum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Scarecrow get an award? Because he was out-standing in his field.
JMcMufin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between salesmen and saleswoman? Boobs
TheGroovyTurt1e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
These are great
Oparon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dead baby jokes.
What's red and spins around? A baby nailed to a ceiling fan.
What's black and squirms? A baby suffocating in a trash bag.
What's yellow and floats on top of the pool? A baby with his floaties slashed.
What's green and is at the bottom of the pool? Same baby, three weeks later.
How many babies does it take to paint a barn? Depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you get 10 babies in a shoebox? A blender.
How do you get 10 babies out of a shoebox? Tortilla chips.
What's worse: 10 dead babies in one trash can or one dead baby in 10 trash cans?
What's the best part about one live baby in a pile of 20 dead ones? It gets to eat its way out.
The list goes on.
CecilBlight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
(My name is Casey) "Hey baby, ya want some of this Casey-dilla?"
IamJAd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Iโll see myself out.
BigBear460 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Last name is Barber, I always tell people in a licensed Barber in my state and then show them my drivers license.
Myrshall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โIโm pretty funny, but heyโlooks arenโt everything.โ
TittiesandJiblets ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Osama Bin Laden hide his Armies?
In his sleevies
Ntendo64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Two wookies walk into a cantina. One says to the other [unending wookie noises] . . ."
Onlookers after 10 minutes: and?
"And the other said [wookie noises until the end of time] . . ."
DonnFirinne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks โwhat are you doing?โ Or โwhat are they doing?โ I just respond with โmy/their bestโ. It never fails to get a chuckle.
PTlite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa dum tss!
rann0ch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When it's raining, I always say "nice day to be a duck". It's not a joke but I find it hilarious!!
OneFallsAnotherYalls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
TiredPaedo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many glorious leaders of the Communist party does it take to screw in the light bulbs of the proletariat?
None, proletariat light bulbs contain the seeds of their own revolution! /glorious upward first pump
Irishalbert37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
AKroegs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When somebody says, โIโll be backโ I always reply, โIโll be Mozartโ
dave_gormen_3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two atoms were walking down the road and the one atom says to the other, "wait, wait.. stop.. I think I lost an electron". The second atom says "are you sure?", the first atom replies "I'm positive"
Wargablarg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey u/Wargablarg! I like your -blank-!"
"Thanks, I made it myself."
Usually gets a chuckle if I'm quick on the draw.
izaya3000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the squirrel say when he couldn't find his acorn?
Aww nuts
Bulbous_sore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
kixx20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
Soileau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he's not gonna come.
ahighkid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
enters uber
"You got an aux cord I'm about to set your speakers on fire"
5a1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did one fish say to the other after it swam into a wall and was hurt badly?
"Dam."
RandomLink609 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My appearance
Trainnnnn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If someone says "That's solid" my reply will always be "well it's not a gas or a liquid"!
Also:
What did Ja Rule call his Middle Eastern restaurant?
Halel! Halel!
MelonHeadrz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Optimists- The glass is half full
Pessimists- The glass is half empty
Feminists- ThE GLasS RapEd ME!!
lildre1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a Rubber toe?
Roberto
WyHamRob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex? Well, the one that I fucked did.
GoreForce420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The rooster.
demerchmichael ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually have two that never fail
So. 3 friends are chilling in a mud pit with bricks. The three friends all decided it would be fun to throw them in the air to see who can throw the highest. The first friend throw it up and lands about a foot in the mud, the second friend throws it up and lands about a foot and a half in the mud. The third friend throws it up but it never comes back down.
Alright the next joke is a women wants to visit her mother but she has to fly to see her. Her mother really likes parrots, so naturally she decides to bring her pet parrot with her but the only flight she can take is the no bird, no smoking flight. So she takes that flight and smuggles the parrot in her jacket. She successfully boards the flight and they are now in the air. The pilots comes back to the seats with a cigar in his mouth, and says hi to everyone. He then hears a slight muffled chirping noises, he locates it by the women and grabs it and says she canโt have this bird on this flight, he throws it out the window. The women then says you canโt smoke, she throws his cigar out the window. He walks back to the cabin angered and sits down. He then hears a knock and he looks out the window. The parrot is right there and you wouldnโt believe whatโs in his mouth. Thatโs right.......
The brick!
TooAnonToQuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was out standing in his field.
ShaunSquatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walked in to a club.
b0wtieBill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd tell you my joke about sea animals but thereโd be no porpoise.
bort13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Itโs offensive and dated, but...
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
anner7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.
CartreW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So, I'm about a 6/10, right? Not too atractive, but not horribly ugly either. I'm perfectly comfertable knowing that I won't get with anyone beautiful. So I'm sitting in my 6/10 house, living my 6/10 life, when one day, a moving truck comes up to the house next door. And out of the truck steps this gorgeous woman, she's easily a 9/10, she could be a supermodel. I know I don't have a chance with her, but I think: "It's worth a shot."
So I go up to her and ask
"Hey, can I help you move in?"
She turns to me, and coldly replies
"No, go away creep!"
And I go away. I tell myself: "at least I tried."
About a week passes, and her little chihuahua wriggles it's way under my fence, and starts galavanting around my yard, like the small minded dog it is. So I pick the dog up, and think: "Time for round two."
I go to her house and ring the doorbell. She answers, exasperated, and tells me
"I thought I told you to go awa- OHMYGOD! Where did you find him? I've been looking for him everywhere!"
"He was prancing around in my backyard."
"There must be something I can do for you."
I smirk, and respond
"Actually, there is."
We go to dinner. It's... pretty awesome actualy. We share a lot of the same intrests, and we start dating. And I'm on cloud 9 over here because, well: "Hi, I'm a 6/10, I'm dating a model."
About 6 months pass, and we're still going strong. It's great. One day, a moving truck pulls up to the house across the street, and out steps this pretty lady. Not as beautiful as my girlfriend, mind you, but easily a 7/10. So I think: "OK, time for round two."
Second verse, same as the first. Cross the street, "Hi, can I help you move in?" That basic shtick.
This time, however, she says
"Sure, you can start with those boxes over there."
I pick up a box labeled Video Games, and I think "She probably has Mario Party, or Cooking Mama, or something."
I peek open the box, and nearly drop it in shock. This is some hardcore gamer stuff. Mint condition Illusion of Gaia, Final Fantasy 1-7. Whoever's these are, they clearly know what they're doing.
I ask her
"Are these your boyfriend's?"
She giggles and replies
"No, they're mine. I don't have a boyfriend."
"Cool." I say, "We should hang out some time."
A month passes, and the 7/10 and I have become fast friends. We've played through the first three Dragon Quest's, and Castlevania.
One day, my 9/10 girlfriend aproaches me and tells me
"Listen, I don't want you seeing that neighbor girl anymore."
I'm taken aback.
"We're just friends." I explain, "I think you're over-reacting."
"Really?" She says, "Because she told me today, quote: 'you're her's now, and I should relinquish you to her, or else she'll literally kill me.'"
"It's probably just a missunderstanding. Invite her over for lunch, I'm sure you'll work it out."
"Well, OK."
She leaves my house.
Two weeks pass.
I text my 9/10 girlfriend "Wanna see a movie?"
No reply.
Another week passes.
"How 'bout a movie?"
Still no reply.
The next day I go over to her house, and ring the doorbell.
No answer.
I try the knob.
It's locked.
I reach under the rock, for the spare key, unclock the door, step inside and...
Promptly call the police.
The next day, I'm sitting in my living room, terrified out of my wits. On the news, they show a clip of the police leading the 7/10 out of my 9/10 girlfriend's house, drenched head to toe in blood. She turns to the cameras, and shrieks
"She's dead! She's Dead! You're Next."
And, of course, that's enough to make a 6/10 go insane.
But here's the kicker. When they performed the autopsy on my 9/10 girlfriend, they found bits and pieces of her missing. A toe, an earlobe, a bit of a forearm. It appears that the 7/10 devoured chunks of my 9/10 girlfriend.
So when you ask why 6 is afraid of 7...
rush42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
.......sigh...
Not sure it was worth 5 minutes of my life. But take my upvote.
Straell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
stinkycheesyfarty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick!
iamyourbuddyfriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
mikehockerts1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
eatmyazzhole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Abraham Lincoln say after being drunk for a week?
"I set WHO free?!"
degrudv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald Trump
Kimstunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is better than a black guy? No black guy
boyfromthenorth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish missing an eye?
fshhh
tommybrah12345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The tolerant left
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a hormone?
Run away without paying.
Lbolsen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Getting her out of the wheelchair...
Sorry...
aajmac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there Dr Dr who...................lol Still makes me smile
monozach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm commenting on this to bookmark it please ignore
goaheadcarvell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win the award? He was outstanding in his field.... yep and whats more, in his acceptance speech, he was quoted as saying, " hey, its in my jeans.
TheHentaiKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
redwoodranger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
StackerPentecost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A con man, a sexual predator, and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says โwhat can I get you, Mr. President?โ
ZucchiniMiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 blondes find a genie lamp on a beach. The genie only has 3 wishes to give, so they decide to split the wishes.
The first blonde decided she was sick of being called dumb all the time, so she wished to become 50% smarter.
POOF - she turns into a ginger.
The second blonde liked that idea, but she wanted to take it even further. She wishes to be 100% smarter.
POOF - she turns into a brunette.
The third blonde reeeeeally didnโt want her hair color to change. In fact, she wanted to reach that โultimate platinumโ level of blonde thatโs so popular right now. So she wished to be 100% dumber.
โAre you sure?โ โYes.โ
POOF - she turns into a man.
sg1nikos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A girl is sitting down at a table in a college library, when I guy comes over and sits near her, the guy shyly looks up from his book at her and smiles at her. The girl looks at him and loudly says
โNo I will not sleep with youโ,
everyone else in the library looks their way and gives the guy a disappointing look, the guyโs face turns red and walks away to put his book away and the girl follows him and tells him.
โIโm a psychology major, I know how to make someone feel embarrassedโ
The guy loudly responds
โ200 bucks for one night, thatโs way too muchโ
Everyone in the library looks over at the girl in shock
The guy whispers to her
โ Iโm majoring in Law, I know how to make someone feel guiltyโ
Dejouxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I jokingly say, โBruh Iโll beat cho assโ
They started laughing uncomfortably, followed by a, โwhatโ or a โhuh?โ
Then I proceed to beat they ass.
They are left rolling on the floor.
LucidBrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Italian guy with no shins? Toe-knee
frostmourne7570 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A truck driver is going down the road when he is cut off by a blonde woman in a sports car. Infuriated he motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The woman pulls over and gets out. The truck driver draws a circle made of chalk on the road, tells the woman to stand in the circle, and not to move out of it.
The truck driver turns and slashes the womans tires, as he does so the woman starts to giggle. The truck driver turns to see her standing in the circle and is confused by her behavior. He turns back to the car and punches out the windows. The blonde woman starts to chuckle at this, prompting the truck driver to turn around quizzically.
Finally the truck driver finishes destroying the vehicle and as he does so the blonde woman just starts laughing out loud. The trucker turns and screams:
"What is so funny?!"
The blond woman says, "everytime you turned around I stepped out of the circle"
Nosna_Anson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I canโt remember the joke exactly but someone posted it before. Itโs like a genie asks three guys for three wishes each and one guy asks for spinning arms etc and it actually made me laugh for 20 minutes straight. If someone could find it Iโd be grateful.
Edit: I found it! https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/7z55pk/comment/dulm912?st=JFVYOXR9&sh=7bf1639b
TeeMoee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
โKnock knockโ
โWhoโs thereโ
โDwayneโ
โDwayne who?โ
โDwain the dwain Iโm dwoundingโ
chefmacie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anyone ever mentions college, specifically study abroad programs, I always say, "study a broad? I'd love to!" And my friends hate it
MC_Kreeper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a joke timing.
Poast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair
risethirtynine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Any female artist playing on the radio: โIs this Kesha?โ.
hermannivau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If I know the person that I'm talking Well enough to Be sure that he/she won't get offended, I'll say one of these:
A gypsey, a muslim and a black man jumped off the roof of a skyscraper. Who won? The society.
Or
I have mixed feelings about abortion. I want to kill babies but I don't want women to have rights.
ShiloISalwaysFine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like pork?
Kermits finger, ha, lol, ha, ha
candidly1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Later version: Kermit's face.
ShiloISalwaysFine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:21:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Awesome I never heard that!!!!
dankmeter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house.
Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken
GerbilJibberJabber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: I just heard THE BEST knock-knock joke! (Be super enthusiastic)
Them :ok?!
Me: Ok, but you have to start!
Them : Knock-knock...
Me : Whis there?....ever growing grin, walks off
Them :...
Them : GAWDAMMIT
reverent_irrelevance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the half blind man fall down the well?
Cuz he couldn't see that well
cpcjoker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wow.
badleeroybrowne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man is lost in the woods, he has been lost for days. He has no food no water and no phone. Its night time and hes walking aimlessly through the trees trying to find his way back to civilization, its freezing cold. As he is walking he sees a faint glimmer of light in the distance. Excited, he begin to run towards it. As he gets closer he begins to make out where the light source is coming from, through the trees he can make out what appears to be a cabin with a light on in the window. He runs as fast as he can eventually making it to the cabin, which is situated in the woods in the middle of nowhere with nothing else around. Outside is a truck. He runs to the door and knocks hoping somebody will answer to help him. A man answers brandishing a shotgun and he points it towards the lost man. "What do you want?" he says. The man replies "please can you help me Ive been lost in the woods for days with no food and no water and no phone. Even if you just let me stay the night in from the cold and then point me towards the nearest town in the morning?". The man with the shotgun pauses for a moment; he keep the gun pointed. After some deliberation the man replies "You can stay the night and then ill drive you where you need to go tomorrow, but on one condition.". The lost man replies "What is it? Ill do anything". "You can stay over but the problem is you will have to sleep in my daughters room and my daughter is mentally unstable. Shes out chopping wood at the moment and will be back soon. If you try anything with my daughter Ill shoot you dead, do you understand me? Dont even speak to her, not one word". The man replies "Of course that is completely fine, I would never, im married!". They come to an understanding and the lost man is shown up to the daughters room. He gets right into bed and tries to go right to sleep. As he is lying there he hears footsteps approach the door. The handle turns and the door swings open. He turns his head to see the mans daughter standing in the door frame. She is wearing a skimpy nightgown that is dripping off her body, shes the most beautiful woman he has ever seen with the most amazing figure. She closes the door and slowly walks towards him and sits on the bed. She says to him "I want to make you feel good baby". The man sits up in the bed, he replies "Im sorry but I cant talk to you, your father will shoot me if we talk". She replies "Oh come on baby he wont know anything, let me make you feel good with my hand then how about that?". Tempted, the man takes a second and then replies " Im sorry but no, I really shouldnt be talking to you now please just let me go to sleep". She replies "What about if I use both hands...? How about that?". The man replies "I really cant im sorry, im so tempted and you are so hot but your father will kill me" he whispers shoutingly "Now please just let me sleep." She pauses for a second and then says to him " what about if I use both hands and my tongue, how about that?". The man can resist anymore and give in to temptation, he says "okay then". Slowly she begins to move her arms, she brings her hands up towards each side of her head and stick her thumbs in her ears, waves her fingers about, sticks her tongue out and and goes "blubblubblubblublub"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many nice guys does it take to a change a light bulb?
None, they all compliment it and wonder why it won't screw.
Gunfreak2217 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Deez Nuts
DaFreak686 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A really dark one my friend would tell:
What's the hardest thing about seeing a kid hit by a bus?
My dick
bettywhitenipslip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know when your sister is on her period? . . . When your dad's dick tastes like blood.
Vesimelon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:01:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the actual fuck..
Juvv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I made my own joke up, all my friends hate it. Here goes:
What do you call two prawns having sex? A Prawn-o
(prawn-o said like porno)
for those who dont know what a prawn is, its what we call shrimp in Australia.
samolt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So thereโs a woman who canโt seem to get a guy to go out with her. Eventually, she goes to the doctor to see if something was wrong her.
The doctor, a Chinese man, looks her over and says โhmmm very interesting...โ
โWhatโs the matter?โ Asks the lady, โis something wrong?โ
The doctor replies โmiss you have-uh Zachary disease.โ
The lady says โoh no whatโs that???โ
The doctor then says, โyour face look Zachary like your ass.โ
Pooptimist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, but here goes:
an elephant meets a snake. The elephant asks the snake โdo you know who I am?โ
the snake replies โwell, you've got big ears, tusks and grey skin... you've got to be an elephant. But do you know who I amk?โ
the elephant takes a good look at the snake and says โwell, you've got leathery skin, no ears and no hair... you've got to be Niki Lauda!โ
Only works if you know who Niki Lauda is, which everyone in my country does
EDIT: I like bad/evil jokes
EDIT 2: as an Austrian, I'm entitled to dovthat joke, as Mr. Lauda has said some controversial stuff in the past about things where he is in no position to say anything
MeNoGivaRatzAzz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:43:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
For those who don't
Quite a burn!
Sexstarvedpeepingtom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Son walks in to see his dad masterbating
"Don't be so shocked son. You'll be doing this soon"
"What? Why?!"
"Because my hands are getting tired"
tibianbotter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's small, blue and makes every woman cry? A miscarriage
DirectorLou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A team of Vatican scientist go see the Pope with some disturbing news. The Anti-Christ has been born... And their plan to fight it involves making a super holy baby. But they need the Pope to be the father and it has to be a natural conception.
The Pope Thinks about it for a while and says he will do it under 3 conditions.
They council of Vatican Scientist waits in anticipation... The Pope begins..
1 She must be of age but a virgin as purity is essential.
Yes Pope we were thinking that would be a good idea Pope... What else...
2 She must be deaf, mute and blind so she can not tell anyone about the event... this must remain a secret!..
Yes Pope absolutely.... What else your excellency?
3.... Big Tits!
irishstu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Joke about Benjamin Button never gets old...
domdomdeoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many DBZ characters do you need to change a light bulb ?
Every single one of them, it lasts thirty episodes, krilin dies and Goku finishes the job.
HorryPatter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:27:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell like shit.
Wizardsxz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Woman walks up to the grocery store cashier with 6 eggs, 2 apples and a banana.
After looking at the items the cashiers looks at the woman and says, youโre single arenโt you?
Shocked, the lady asks- โWell how did you know?
The cashiers says: Because youโre fucking ugly?
CorsairVI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me, this post is the epitome of "the real joke is in the comments".
AndyJPro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:21:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So a frog walks into a bar and the bartender says, why the frogface?
IndianaTrumpTrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven.
First muffin says "Dang, it's getting hot in here"
Second muffin replies "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
Ka-Ne-Ha-Ne-Daaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:20:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Metalrenok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Santa Claus rides his sleigh over Somalia on Christmas Eve, sees a lot of poor children, slows down and asks: "Did you have supper, kids?", to which all the kids start clamoring no. Santa turns to them and say: "No supper, no gifts"
I'm sorry, I swear that in my native language it's way funnier. Also, no disrespect to Somalia or poverty in general, you can use any third world country.
I_AM_KING_HALLER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I wanted to say thank you for telling me what many means.
It means a lot
AalphaQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's cock.
CptScarlet92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?
The wheelchair
DrMarmot2005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A serb a bosnian and a croat were in a copetition on whos gona fart harder and launch a rock from their buthole the furtest.
Bosnian took a cevap and launched the rock 10 m away.
Croat took some fis paprikas and launched it 200 m away.
Serb took some pasulj and launched it so far away that none could find it,so croat was the winner.
Tommorow on the news:"a rock smeling like shit killed an astronaut during a space walk.
imperialmoose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:09:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like we miss something in the translation. ..
DrMarmot2005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:42 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
cevapi,pasulj and fis paprikas are national dishes,if i would to translate them it would be rolled meat,fis soup and beans,which is not correct,just search those things in our language and you'll see what they are,in a nuttshell,you fart incredibly strong after eating those
yrast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits.
She said โHowโre you gonna make that feel good for me?โ โRight before I come Iโll stop punchinโ ya in the face!โ ~Doug Stanhope
beyonduplication ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
slayeRyEyEyE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It turns out, quite a lot, actually. You need someone to make the lightbulb in the first place, someone to make the glass for the lightbulb, someone to make the filament for the lightbulb, someone to have invented the lightbulb in the first place, someone to sell the lightbulb, someone to buy the lightbulb, someone to take the lightbulb home, someone to have made a socket for the lightbulb, someone to have made the metal for the lightbulb socket, someone to have invented electricity, someone to run a power plant to get that electricity to your house, someone to have built the power plant, and someone to shart in your face.
centzon400 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:37:11 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was lieutenant Uhura black? Because William Shatner.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 21:38:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It's last call and Jimmy and Johnny have to drive home. They're both drunk. Jimmy says, "Don't worry Johnny, I know how to jrive shafely drunk." Johnny says alright, he knows he can't drive.
So they set off, and soon come to a red light. Jimmy floors it and speeds through. Johnny is holding on for dear life and shouts, "Fahck Jimmy, what're ya doin?" Jimmy says, "Idz alright, Jakey showed me how to do this, you come to a red light and you jus floor it!" Johnny thinks that's insane, but he's too drunk to take over, so he lets it happen.
They carry on like this until they come to a green light. Jimmy slams the brakes. Johnny goes, "Oh, what the hell is it now?"
Jimmy says, "Well Jakey could be goin the other way!!"
sh1td1cks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:48:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the joke here? I'm so confused
mygeorgeiscurious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:25:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the actual fuck
reptilianforlife ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 00:07:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So they say a pig has the intelligence of a 5 year old.
Well they sure as hell dont taste the same.
(If you steal this joke I will eat your 5 year old child, that's how I know)
Sirius_Araneae ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:14:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I like my wine like I like my women:
12 years old and locked in the cellar.
beyonduplication ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How can you tell when a flock of pink flamingos has moved in next door?
Buncha plastic Mexicans all over their yard.
MellotronSymphony ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 21:41:02 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A platoon of the British army were stationed in the desert, and had been for some time. Food supplies were running low, along with morale. The commander knew he had to raise the mens' spirits, so he said,
"Men, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, the only food we have left is camel poo. The good news is there's lots of it!"
[deleted] ยท -34 points ยท Posted at 19:52:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, tell her to get her ass back in the kitchen!
kauto ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:28:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How's that one been workin out for ye?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:06:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty damn good. Easy way to screen out the uptight anal retentive asshats.
ProlongedNoyade ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 00:12:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How did they determine the size of a half dollar? The hole in his head
dandyqb5 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes funny.
TheLoyalTruth ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:51:19 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Jeb Bush meme
shinypretty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:56 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you mean "Please clap" or are you talking about the guacabowle?
BTW, there is a COMPLETELY NOT INSANE dude here in Houston named Lee L. Mercer Jr. who periodically announces his presidential candidacy. I can't find his site right now, but among the 90-some reasons you should vote for him is - my hand to God, I am not making this up - around #75 or so, he wants to "prove that Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease."
TheCloakMinusRobert ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:53:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anything that is self deprecating for me
Absolutemadlad750 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:02:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I got a good joke....my life.
TallTrees408 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:53:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know what they say about guys with big feet?
Big shoes
Leo285 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:09:28 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pedo hidden inside a bush?
A Kinder Surprise (works better in german as Kinder means children)
PublicschoolIT ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:23:30 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fucked up like a black man's checkbook
ElipsonLemon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:12:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
badatchopsticks ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:17:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get an elephant into Safeway?
Take the 's' out of 'safe' and the 'f' out of 'way'.
taiwanisnotchina ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:22:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
Minnotauro ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:38:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did little Suzy fall of the swing? Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't she get back on the swing? Because she had no legs.
Why was she stuck in the field? Because she had no friends.
What did little Suzy get for Christmas? Cancer
Knock knock Who's there No little Suzy.
Gnostromo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:43:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wait for a good timing when your friend is talking about kids or being a kid... Look at your friend all nostalgic and ask Remember when you were little and blowing bubbles? When they say yeah or uh huh... โwhen was the last time you spoke to bubbles? Howโs he doing?โ
Jagonz988 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:43:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
There are three guys. Two of them walk into a bar. The third ducks.
Scew ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:00:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Cleveland Browns
kwhateverdude ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:00:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
save thread
gpzal ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:01:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
1975! hahahahaha
Just_Relax_and_Chill ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:14:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm in the car with a passenger and a bug hits the windshield. I ask, "What was the last thing to go through that bug's mind?...His ass".
T_Raycroft ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:24:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: awesome r/Jokes material that will probably get copy pasted there at some point
hummusimful ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:29:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ืืืฉ ืืื ื ืื ืก ืืืืช ืืจืงืืช ืขื ืืื ืืื, ืฉืืื ืืช ืืจืืงื: ืืฉ ืื ืงืจื ืืืืช?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Wat
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:32:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jeffrey Dalmer put his victims noses on his pizza and would eat it.
He called it Dalmer-Nose pizza!
HolyBanzaiTree ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:35:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Or if someone says "what's up?" I reply with "A chicken's butt when it eats"
Shirasho ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:36:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
ravi910 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:36:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Indian, and I introduce myself as "Alabarrukhjim" or some super weird name. People always give me some really weird look and then I tell them my real name, Ravi.
QueenoftheCreoles ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:39:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sarah fell off a swing and lost her arms. She now has no arms. Knock knock ... who's there?... not sarah
nova20 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:39:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know either, but it's more than 8 'cause my basement is still dark.
direwooolf ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:40:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
whats brown and sticky? a stick
clarky2o2o ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:59:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between brussel sprouts and available sex.
Kids don't eat brussel sprouts.
Zygorithm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:04:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in
DarthWingo91 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:04:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I was taking this girl for a walk in the middle of the woods at night when she says, "I'm scared."
I said to her, "You're scared? I have to walk back alone."
anderson706 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:07:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Mexican Cholo?
A paragraph. Because heโs too short to be an esssssayyy man. (In a Mexican accent)
tinathellama14 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:10:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs brown and sticky?
A stick.
Gontron1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:10:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
Firesplitter84 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:11:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?
He's afraid of getting nailed to the boards.
Ginkgostinko ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:11:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Jesus stay on the cross for so long?
He forgot his safe word.
comicsans-here2stay ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:13:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The masochist said to the sadist, punch me in the face
The sadist said, no
doorknobopener ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:14:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust
Monkeysonice95 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:14:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My sisters was The longest joke in the world something about how a snake survives in the dessert and for the most part you just make it up and drag it out with no real ending she managed to cockblock a guy telling it was funny to see him bored of it but acting interested for the girl watching
xxjrbxx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What?
that1whitedude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.wattpad.com/2012108-the-longest-joke-in-the-world-a-man-in-the-desert/page/17
ElectronicBionic ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:16:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not going to type it out. Too long. But it's the Purple Feather story. Also the Plastic Parrot story and the Black Knight stories. They're verbal only.
wise_comment ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:21:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Minnesota Timberwolves
AssesOfEvil ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:21:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
gondollas ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:26:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Norm mac donalds moth joke (i always credit him after) https://youtu.be/eE6QzDrT_x8
Or SunburnedAlbino's https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBl1ovJ55RSpBt2KA49_Yxw "I was fingering this girl and i didnt know she was on her period and her parents walked in, caught me red handed" I have a few jokes that i wrote, But they rarely see the light of day. Heres one "Everyone at school thinks im jewish and thinks im gay. So i get really mixed messages when they invite me into the showers."
Thegrizzlybearzombie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:35:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Them- โWeโve been married for 45 yearsโ Me- โSorry it didnโt work outโ
I know it sounds dumb but they laugh every time.
StackerPentecost ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:39:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Trickle-down economics.
iratedolphin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:45:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has seven arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
Jojosfunhouse ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:56:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man visits a brothel looking to meet a woman, he hasn't been with anyone in awhile. He meets the madam and says I don't have much money but it's been awhile and I'm desperate do you have anything affordable? She said yes, Mary is 100.00 does that work? He says no I can't afford that. Well, the madam says, how about Paula, she's beautiful and only 70.00. he says 'no, what is the cheapest you have?'. The madam thinks a minute and replies 'there is one girl, Sandy, she's only 10.00'. ' yes! I'll take her' he replies. Ok let me get her she replies. They meet and befin, he enters her and says ouch it's a little sry is there anything you can do? Sandy says ' be right back'. after a few mintutes she returns and he tries again...it's amazing he cums screaming oh my gosh that was amazing...'what did you do'? 'i picked my scabs'
NoahXIII ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:04:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life... hahaha...
ARTraveller ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:06:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
coolturnipjuice ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:07:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My dad keeps a small ceramic horse in every house Iโve lived in since I was a kid, just so he can go over and pet it while saying โIโm feeling a little horse.โ He says it to everyone who comes over.
xTheHeroWeNeedx ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:09:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fuck a chick with no arms and no legs?
Throw her in the ocean.
tripl3troubl3 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:11:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro sinko...
bubbafat1155 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:12:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
visuvius ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:13:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's got six balls and rapes Mexicans?
The lottery.
SadAndAlone01 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:20:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I was driving down i4 with my girlfriend and I see this boardwalk burgers. Just your standard burger joint. Homeless people throwing burgers on the foreman. I look to my girlfriend and I say, โboardwalk burgers? More like board burgers. Because those burgers arenโt having any fun.โ
SmokeyCosmin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:26:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Look how cute I am" -- it never fails o make everyone around me laugh
heyshebetterdont ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:27:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your front porch A: Matt
dog-pussy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:32:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q-Whatโs the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A-Itโs hard to make a vitamin.
carnation-station ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:33:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says "It's hot in here" I say "I'll leave then."
MrBlueandSky ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:38:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Dead babies
ABlankNam3dKid ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:44:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Even if I wanted to, I cannot jump out of a high floor in a skyscraper because I'll be fined, since you can't throw trash out the window"
twatpolice ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:45:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Incest? More like in YES!!! People always respond with shock and an awkward chuckle
stonedmrmet ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:48:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between tiger woods and princess di? One has a better driver.
kitkair ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:50:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
When my fiance tells me to "come on"; I always reply with "I am coming, but not the way you want me too."
TheToadFrog ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:52:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I often say goodbye with "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. And if you do, name it after me."
Usually gets a good response. Except when it doesnt.
TheEternal21 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:53:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Socialism works"
Spongybob55 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:54:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
โDam!โ
GeoffWK ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:59:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do pink floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
The wall was their last big hit
BronwynECG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐ฒ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
imtknives ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:12:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the beach wet? The seaweed
2Lazy2beLazy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:14:44 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have a girlfriend.
super_splooger ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:21:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do a mental hospital and a refrigerator have in common? Pull the plug and the vegetables start to decay.
HeaviestEyelidsEver ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:26:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
bloatedkat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:26:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the gay guy's house
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The chicken
Hydronair ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:30:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Big poo
TheLostPariah ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:36:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Little Timmy drop his ice cream cone? Because he got hit by a bus. /// Knock knock. Whoโs there? Not Timmy
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:38:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:40:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:41:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life
MidEastBeast ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:52:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: A lot of porn/masturbation jokes.
GoWestBTC ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:53:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Did you hear who was murdered the other day? Reese... Reese...
Them: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife!
owensm74 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:55:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know why scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards theyโd still be in the boat.
ottoginc ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:03:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between the Virgin Mary and every Mexican in the world?
The Virgin Mary doesn't have a tattoo of every Mexican in the world.
Mazerrr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:09:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a lab and sometimes we have to sacrifice and dissect small research animals (aka mice) to collect organs/cells for analysis.
When I walk by 2 or more people in our lab doing this sort of work I always say, "wow, looks like we got ourselves a mouse de-assembly line going on"
Guaranteed nervous, self-conscious, chuckle from the mouse killers.
TheParmesanOfGene ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:19:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy: So my dad told me heโs now partially deaf from all the loud music he listened to.
Friend: What?
Guy: My dad told me heโs partially deaf from listening to loud music.
Friend: What about who?
Guy: MY DAD IS PARTIALLY DEAF FROM LOUD MUSIC!
Friend: WHAT?
Guy: I SAID MY DAD IS DEAF!
Friend: YOUR DAD IS DEAD!?
Guy: never mind (does hand gesture)...
Friend:... So, did I tell you my dad told me heโs now partially deaf from all the loud music he listened to?
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:20:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cat say as it went down the (insert local highway of choice here)? Meeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....
Owlinwhite ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:20:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape? So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.
Parodeer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:22:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The Penguin joke. If you know it already, I donโt need to explain. If you donโt, I probably canโt.
TryNotToDiePlease ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:24:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?
It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.
(not my joke)
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:27:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
2 women were sitting quietly
munkychum ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:28:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A hobo has no friends and a homo has friends up the ass!
sleazyweaselneedles ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:29:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
Videokings2 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:32:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
womenโs rights
913Glorax12 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:33:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a go-to joke. I have go-to stories. They capture the crowds better.
psychosox ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:54:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My go to is always: Why is the mushroom the life of the party?
Because he's such a fun guy (fungi).
VioletTwilight ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:54:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two condoms are walking down the street when they spot a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Wanna go in there and get shit-faced?"
sputnikutah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two laxative pills walk into a gerontology clinic, says "look at these lucky a$$h*les!"
xzv78 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:08:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does dr. pepper โcomeโ in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
If you donโt get youโre probably too young
Face_McSh00ty ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:17:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with his fly open and a whole shipโs steering wheel sticking out. The bartender says โWhoa! That looks uncomfortable!โ The pirate replies โYar! It be drivinโ me nuts!โ
Dustmanimus0727 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:04:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A goldfish walks into a bar Bartender asks, โWhat can I get you?โ Goldfish says, โWater.โ
Nakabg ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:07:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A gorgeous prince was born in a kingdom far away . But he had one problem , a screw on the place of his belly button . One day , he went to the town witch to ask her what to do with his problem . She said that in a cave thousand of km away there was a dragon and that in his belly there was a wrench which he could use to get the screw out . So he traveled for many years , finally reaching the cave . After a long battle he killed the dragon and took the wrench , then he proceded to unscrew the screw and his ass fell off .
Holycrackers33 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:09:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
well I fuked your mom
HALsaysSorry ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:40:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Q. You know what they call in [variable location/country] [specific item] in [variable location/country]?
A. [specific item].
Examples include Turkish bread = bread French doors = doors Brazilian waxing = waxing Irish coffee = whisky
Itโs a goldmine
ResistingSphere ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:55:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke but my go-to insult is: "You suck more than a bucket of leeches at a gay beach party"
KinderSpirit ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:12:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys walk into a bar.
The fourth guy ducks.
dandroid126 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:14:26 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently I became the "funny guy" when I said something stupid one time when I was out with friends. To be honest, I didn't even think it was all that funny. So when one of those friends got a new girlfriend, he totally over hyped how funny I was. Apparently he played it off like I was some comedy genius. So when I met her in person, she asked me to say something funny. I've never tried to think of something funny on the spot like that. It's so much easier to respond to something with a witty comment rather than come up with a funny scenario from nothing.
So, while panicking, I just said (as an homage to Finding Nemo), "So, there's this mollusk, and he walks up... Well he doesn't walk up, he swims up..." And that's all I got through before they started busting up. So now that's my go-to joke every time someone tries telling someone I'm funny, which probably happens more often than it should considering that I'm really not that funny.
UnclePepperpoty ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:36:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty three year olds?
There's twenty of them.
Ash4d ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:38:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One of Jimmy Carrโs, but still great.
I was at the gym the other day and found a hole in my trainer big enough for me to poke three of my fingers through.
She made a complaint and now Iโm banned.
dick_inspector ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:42:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold that monkey for you."
NotThatBrightLite ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:42:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Those little guys on Morgan Freeman's face are the missing pieces to Seal's face.
wolfsixsix ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:43:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a gay dinosaur. A mega sore ass. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur. A lick a lot a pus.
superheltenroy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:44:50 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between pineapple and a dead baby?
Only one tastes good on pizza.
PrettyMuchJudgeFudge ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:45:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life, that's usually enough
Prosype ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:46:00 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
ThePreacher19021 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:46:04 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On the day of execution the police officer asked
Officer : What is your last wish?
Criminal : Instead of me, why don't you get executed?
ahahahahaahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
pls laugh.
Hero0ftheday ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:54:31 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
LiquidAngelHD ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:23:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last greatest hit was The Wall.
stewie1304k ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:24:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sthg related to a tank and a general and then I said BOOM, LOOKING FOR THIS?
Not mine tho
DabIMON ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:30:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Reggie
Reggie who?
Registered sex offender, I've been ordered by the court to let you know I'm moving in next door.
berlinblades ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:34:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I recently had to retire this one:
"What is the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?"
Stephen Hawking voice: "MY COCK!"
Seriously though, RIP.
RacinRandy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:45:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This one is a true story if you can believe it.
So me and my girlfriend were driving down the I 4, itโs a highway here in Florida, and we drive past this sign that says โBoardwalk Burgersโ, you know, a sign for some sort of place where homeless people slap Burgers onto the olโ George Forman. Now with no hesitation my quick wit and superior intellect came up with a joke thatโs the pinnacle of comedy, a real humdinger. I turn to my girlfriend and say โBoardwalk Burgers? More like Bored Burgers, cus the Burgers arenโt having any fun
MJWood ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:59:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sexist! I'm as feminist as any man!
floyddebarber89 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:01:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I have two:
How does the blind parachutist know when he is about to land?
The leash goes slack.
--------------------------------
A fly is eating at a restaurant. Upon finishing, he calls the waiter:
"Garcon! This soup tasted like shit!"
"Thank you, sir!"
MrBigBMinus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:26:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This guy walks into a bar and says "one beer please" bartender gives him a beer he drinks it, looks in his pocket, sighs and says "another please". He drinks that one, looks in his pocket, sighs, and repeats this again. On the fifth time the bartender says "ok, you have to tell me why you keep looking in your pocket and ordering another beer".... the man reaches into the pocket and pulls out a picture and shows it to the bartender. "See this is my wife, and I keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home to"..... badum tisssssss.
Emmersom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:37:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?
MiddleBodyInjury ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:44:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what's brown and sticky? A stick.
durukkk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:55:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two female ostriches were having a calm walk when one of them spotted the two male ostriches some distance behind them. 'Hey, have you notice those two? I can swear they weren't there a minute ago, you think they may be following us?' asked one to the other, and considering its close to mating season, they decided to walk a bit faster, just to make sure they weren't being stalked. However, in a minute the females realize that the two males behind them were also getting gradually faster, not letting the distance grow. Hearts pounding, not only from the now full blown chase which was a leisurely walk a minute, but also from the slowly crippling fear of impending doom, the female ostriches started to run with everything they got. However, the males were rapidly closing the distance.
Realizing that they had no chance to get away, 'Quick!' shouted one of the females, 'we must bury our heads into the sand, it's the only way!' Just for a split second, the other one had this image of the two of them standing there, with their head buried into the sand. Thought of objecting, then with panic she submitted to the idea and buried her head into the sand.
...5 seconds later...
one of the males could hardly stop the other one from his blind chase and asked.. "dude, where did they go???" they stopped and and looked around in wonder...
SonOfTheShire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Um... I don't get it.
snackrilegious ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:10:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
my life
dolukian ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:32:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has 8 legs and scares the shit out of women?
Gang rape
greenconsumer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:45:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has two thumbs and loves blow jobs? <Fonzie Style> : This Guy!
GufiTheDizzle ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:04:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So I'm driving down 11th avenue and I see a billboard..
DarkWobblez ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:07:48 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
a story about the time i farted on taylor swift. people always think its hilarious
Ive honestly never told the story and not got laughs
GriffinEll84 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:08:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you
agree-with-you ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:08:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you both
Jamey4 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:27:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The United States Government.
little_red_machine ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:31:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A white man, a Mexican man, and a black man stand before the Devil. He says to them, walk up these 1000 stairs and you can go to heaven. If you come back I will cut off your dick and melt it in my hand. The white man goes up about a quarter of the way and comes back. Devil cuts off his dicks and melts it in his hand. The Mexican makes it about half way and comes back. Devil cuts off his dicks and melts it in his hand. The black man makes it about three quarters of the way and comes back. Devil cuts off his dicks and attempts to melts it in his hand. When it doesn't melt the black man laughs and says "Melts in your mouth. Not in your hands."
Santahousecommune ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:32:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do chicks love jesus?
-spreads arms- cuz hes hung like this
delirious_deplorable ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:36:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
On election night...
knock! knock!
Who's there?
Hillary.
Hillary who?
Hillary lost.
bang! bang!
allseeingike ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:39:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a hooker and an onion?
I cry when i cut up onions....ba dum tss
SexyEagle ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:04:54 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I had a similar experience with my penis and a vacuum cleaner
For maximum effect, wait for them to talk about someone to talk about something really sad or super messed up
Tralan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:23:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
Get in the Batmobile, Robin.
CF_K ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:27:11 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a bird and a turtle?
They both fly, except the turtle.
Never fails to get a laugh at the sheer confusion.
jmoney1119 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:34:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
As long as there are no really race joke sensitive black guys around:
โWhat do call four black people having sex?โ
โA threesomeโ
aburr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:55:21 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It would be 5
jmoney1119 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Well, typed my own damn joke wrong.
iier ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:45:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This an acting joke my GF do it all the time on front of people no matter the situation
"What are the first words after a 14y virgin girl first BJ?" (Take a big sip of beer and without swallow it, open her mouth and says..)
"Do you love me?"
p.s. Yeap the white foam of the beer in her lips chin etc, is the making moment. ps2 sorry for my English
Konadrew ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:01:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did little suzie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock "who's there"
Not little Suzie
midzo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:51:14 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into his apartment with a duck under his arm and says โThis is the pig Iโve been fuckingโ
His wife says โThatโs not a pig, itโs a duck.โ
Guy says โI wasnโt talking to you.โ
AevHolm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:36:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that a blue whale can ejaculate up to 14 gallons of sperm when copulating with its mate?
Only 10% of it enters the female whale, and you wonder why the sea tastes so salty.
MantisTobogganMD28 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:38:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most important part of a joke- TIMING
DGD11 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:46:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because theyโre so good at it!
Trekkz1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:17:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My Dad.
L3ftenant ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:06:46 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why are women so bad at parking? Because men tell them that this is eight inches Holds hands 3-5 inches apart
tehblazer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:37:29 on April 13, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mark
sween1911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:43 on June 6, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Thatโs what the dog with the speech impediment says.
inphektid_forest ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 03:04:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A pizza doesn't cry on the way to the oven.
HOGSTICK3R ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 00:17:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your paddling up a river in a canoe and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes fit in a dog house.
The answer is blue because ice cream has no bones.
makecars4happen ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:49:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Random โ funny
HOGSTICK3R ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:49:58 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
One persons opinion
makecars4happen ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:50:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No shit
HOGSTICK3R ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:51:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Opinions are like assholes everybody has one and most of them stink
makecars4happen ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:52:45 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Now that you've abandoned the randomness your jokes are already improving.
HOGSTICK3R ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:53:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Fools are better seen than heard
shelterhusband ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 21:23:17 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Iโm (insert name here) and Iโm 2 years sober today... Thatโs a lie. I drank this morning.
Guitaniel ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:52:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think this is a joke.
WIT_MY_WOES ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ur mom gay
RiseAgainstFan13 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:56:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Not my joke but this one's possibly my favorite joke of all time and always makes me laugh.
Okay, so I was driving with my girlfriend down I4, an interstate down in Florida. While driving, I saw a sign for this restaurant called Boardwalk Burgers. You know, just a joint where some homeless people throw some patties on the formans, just a whole burger place. Anyway, I saw this sign and with a quick wit, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Boardwalk Burgers? More like Bored Burgers, cuz those burgers aren't having any fun!"
Aenema_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:08:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
This isnโt even funny smh ๐ค๐ค๐ค
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 22:41:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Just pull something up from r/ImGoingToHellForThis. So frickin' funny.
lotus318 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:12 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese thatโs not yours? Nacho cheese xx ur welcome
MiketheJeepGuy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:06 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What has three teeth and four breasts?
A pair of Waffle House waitresses
olmikeyy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:32 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven one day. It's 400 degrees. One muffin turns to the other and says, "god damn its hot in here!"
/ The other muffin goes "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
intheflowers_ac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:12:11 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I hear you like ovens in your ovens..
olmikeyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:40 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh gosh
phreaquey ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:51 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?
K4RAB_THA_ARAB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
๐ค
Yaminavi ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
V
V E: It appears this is a shameless repost
andygleason ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs the difference between a corvette and a boner?
I donโt have a corvette.
Plymey ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime anyone says a word ending in an โerโ sound, I reply, โ______er, I barely even know her.โ
Always gets a good chuckle.
MobiusCube ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:17 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Feminism
SuperBitch90 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute? A prostitute because she can wash her crack and sell it again
gombly ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Me: What's the difference between a doctor's first wife and second wife?
Them: ...
Me: Are you kidding me?!
ARandomTiger ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many Iranians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer!
kajajazola ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year old boys?
There's twenty of them.
yoshidawgz ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
NUMBER SIXTY-FIVE!
TopShelfUsername ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a potato
meremale ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?
Because he uses the finest ingredients.
Not_Lock ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what they call me?
They don't call me.
wingw0ng ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:51 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am the joke
CallMeRydberg ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey wanna hear a joke?
My life.
yurtasaurus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:59 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whatโs big and yellow and if it falls on you from a tree it will kill you?
A JCB.
aeroxan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:20 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, this one's long but bear with me. This works best in a group with multiple people telling jokes:
So there's a donut on a cruise. And it's his birthday. He goes to the captain and says: "captain, I'm a donut, it's my birthday. I want to drive the ship." Captain says: " no way, you're a donut. You can't drive the ship." Donut returns to his room and begins pacing around thinking "no, he's gotta let me drive the ship." He returns to the captain and says "captain, I'm a donut, it's my birthday, you gotta let me drive the ship." Captain says: "no, and if you ask me again, I'll throw you overboard." Donut returns to his room pacing. After more deliberation, he returns to the captain and says: "captain, I've decided. I'm a donut, it's my birthday. You must let me drive the ship." Captain throws the donut overboard.
(At this point there is an awkward pause while everyone is waiting for the punchline which doesn't exist but that's the end of phase 1).... Wow this guy sucks at jokes.... Now, you wait for other people to tell some jokes. Maybe throw in a few others of your own. Later, you tell phase 2:
So there's a couple on a trip down the coast. They stop at a beautiful Vista. The man gets down on one knee and presents a ring asking: "will you marry me?" The woman excitedly says yes while swinging her arms to embrace her now fiance. I'm her arm swing, she accidentally smacks the ring out of his hands and it falls into the ocean. They are saddened, but they're in live so it's ok. Later that night, they order the fish at a seafood restaurant. When they cut open the fish, what do they find?
THE DONUT
sparkchaser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:30 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I actually laughed. Well done.
Memesmakemememe ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Self-deprication. If delivered correctly, itโll get anybody to laugh.
Plantbitch ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleeve-ies!
The first time I heard this I fucking lost my mind, but other people donโt seem to think itโs as funny as I do.
Edit- still true I guess
Doctor_SMILES ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The answer - Me.
RedLeader001 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I see said the blind man.
dave_gormen_3 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walked down a dark alley and the one was a salted
joshyjonesy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who is there? Boo Boo who? Why are you crying?
showmerex ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do women have small feet?
So they can get closer to the kitchen sink.
rinvar521 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Donald trump will one day be president..
callsign__iceman ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
After having sex with a new person, I like to look at them, lock eyes, and say
โYou have no divinity left- you fucked a dude with a Godzilla tattooโ
JHBlancs ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, guess what?
Chicken butt
Ace_Trainer_Mitsi ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:36 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I am the joke...
irving47 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom. I go to her and never fail.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The aristocrats
Morgeno ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
anytime someone in a game chat is asking "who does ____" or something along those lines I like replying "ur mom lol"
it SLAYS
grapesofRaf ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:37 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you hear about the lady that backed into a fan? made a disaster, diss-assed her
Chicken_Giblets ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his ass
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Hi" lololol
dirty_jg ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:25 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get a homosexual man to have sexual intercourse with a female?
You stick a turd in her pussy!
kwc148 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:42 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How do the chinese come up with their names?
Throw pots and pans down the stairs.
Ching Chang Chong Chung, Ping Pang Pong, Wing Wang Wu
bdreamer642 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into his psychiatrist's office covered in plastic wrap, and the psychiatrist says to him, "clearly, I can see your nuts."
GodfatherCannoli ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know the Nazis had a moving service?
It was called "Jew-haul"
Que_n_fool_STL ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ever have dolphin sex? Itโs when the man sticks it where the woman doesnโt want it and says โah ah, ah ah!โ
DylanHill28 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:53 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
How many Jews can you fit in a car?
2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 100 in the ash tray.
skghp ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What separates men from animals?
The Mediterranean.
yeah_thanksmate ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I go to a gas station the other day and pay for my fuel and ask the female clerk for a Kit Kat Chunky. She passes me a Kit Kat Chunky and I said โI just wanted a normal Kit Kat... you fat bitch!โ
Dionysus-Uzumaki_1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:32 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Obamacare. Lol
gerrysaint33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:39 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Oh hi Donnie...
IreneDybdal ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do black people stink so bad? Itโs so the blind can hate them to!
sputnikutah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:51:02 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do people laugh at stupid jokes? Because you are; a stupid joke.
IreneDybdal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:56 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That might be but people still always laugh at that joke
azGAAR ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?
Zero, cos my bitch can cook in the dark....
os_ean_ohm_nwah ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:14:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
h
Alienwallbuilder ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:09 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Two queers in a phone box ringing each other
Armengeddon ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:44:22 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Want to hear a joke?" "Yeah!" "Women's Rights"
It either never fails to be funny or never fails to get people triggered, which is also funny. Its definitely a win-win scenario.
winwar ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:56:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What breaks whenever you give it to a child?
.
.
.
Their hips.
Jetical ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:49 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
If apples are red, why fly blue?
Alpr101 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:17:03 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Car
Car who?
Car go beep beep!
...I'll see myself out.
flippernibblets ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:05 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowtain.
djengel96 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I only make fun of you because I like you. Thatโs why I never make fun of (who ever is standing next them).
quwestin ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:34 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No u
agree-with-you ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:21:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
No you both
ManipulateYa ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:47 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his wife go to the zoo for the afternoon. Walking around they take in a ll the different exhibits. While walking past the Gorilla enclosure the wife notices that the Gorilla has taken a liking to her and can't take her eyes off of her. upon telling her husband she is surprised at his reaction.
Husband: blow him a kiss.
she does... and the Gorilla comes right up to the bars of his enclosure.
Husband: Wink at him and toss your hair a bit.
She obliges and the Gorilla grabs the bars and is visibly enthralled.
Husband: Hike up your skirt a bit... show him some leg... maybe unbutton your top a bit to show some cleavage.
She shows a hefty amount of cleavage and leg much to the delight of the Gorilla who is now climbing the bars and beating his chest emphatically.
*Husband grabs wife, opens the cage door, throws her inside and while walking away yells back to her; "Tell him you have a fucking headache now"
LostBaconSandwich ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:15 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? A stick! Also... Whats green and has wheels? Grass! I was joking about the wheels.
mysterycolours ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 01:00:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's purple, covered in pus and squeels? A peeled baby in a bag of salt
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 22:37:25 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the recipe for a black person? 1/5 cup missing dad, 1/10 cup KFC, 1/10 cup watermelon, 3/5 person
KelpyG_888 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:37:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Edgy xddddd
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ikr
british-as-fuck ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 00:51:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why do Jews smell? Cuzโ theyโre afraid of having a shower.
jorisber ยท -19 points ยท Posted at 19:42:41 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
what is yellow and floats ? a piece of shaved cheese
kauto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:46 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure it floats? Also just why?
siskos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Is that really a never fails joke though?
jorisber ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:09:35 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
you see, its so bad people mostly feel sorry for me and laugh to make me feel better .. except on reddit apparently
Burnsun ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:41 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
that is gold.
TheKapitan ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 21:51:09 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-one year olds?
There's twenty of them.
TheKapitan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Ah fuckin' lighten up
Hahaha
TurbulentAnteater ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 22:55:43 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The last time I posted my favourite joke was in a "what's your darkest joke?" thread and I got downvoted there, so I'm not posting it in this one
JLucasNewShitTooLit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:40 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
So why even say anything at all?
trench_welfare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:24 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
How many minority groups can you offend in a one liner?
Liam_Neesonz ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 22:25:14 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life
z3010 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 22:49:22 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
It is funny
thugnastyanal ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:48 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, "Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?" The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished. Finally, the son said, "Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball." The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, "If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have." And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball. The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again. The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday. "Father," replied the son, "I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls." The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, "If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have." And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls. The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again. The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday. "Father," said the son to this, "I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls." The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. "A carton of pink ping pong balls?" "A carton of pink ping pong balls," the boy confirmed. "I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls," said the father, "but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have." And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls. The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared. "Dear son," said the father, "I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?" The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. "Please humour me, dear father." The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. "Dearest father," the son started, "I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls." One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home. The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left. The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong. "Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible." It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there. "Father," the son said, "You've made me very happy yet again." That night, the son spent on board the tanker. The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy. A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital. His father visited the young man in hospital. "My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?" Weakly, the son sat up in bed. "Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls." The father held his son's hand tightly. "Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls." "Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls." The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk. "Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls." The son nodded weakly. The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room. "Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls," the father requested. The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter. "I-" the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth. "I- I-" Then he died
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
lefteardud ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I think the answer to your question is any reference to your own self. Asshat.
sisepuede4477 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:05:08 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
regcrusher ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Foโ drizzle.
metalman71589 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:16 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
lpreams ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:33 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M :Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M: Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M :Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M: Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M :Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M: Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
... (repeat, ideally until just before T would give up) ...
T: Who's there?
M :Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M: Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M :Banana
T: Banana who?
M: Knock knock
T: Who's there?
M: ORANGE!
T: ๐ฎ Orange who?
M: Orange you glad I didn't say banana!?
jjbeanstalk ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best thing about fucking twenty one year olds...
...there's 20 of them
mr-stts ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
The jokes from r/jokes that I reposted
Skeet_fighter ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:57 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
2fishel ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:52 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Why did G-D create yeast infections? So women should know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
Lyngoop79 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"... And then he/she/it got raped."
notalone_waiting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Bad taste
Lyngoop79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:38 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
That was the joke.
throwawaycatsop ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:52:01 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
JUST GET A HOUSE
or
GROUND BEEF?!
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL 4Head
pisspoorplanning ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:57:27 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the similarity between girls and parking spaces?
The best ones are always taken and every now and again you have to stick it in a disabled one when no-ones looking.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 10:13:29 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Jews
FresnoChunk ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 11:41:10 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I was driving down i-4 with my girlfriend and there was an advertisement for boardwalk burgers, which is like this little shitty burger spot where like homeless people i guess just throw them on a grill or something and the sign said "come try the new boardwalk burgers" and i saw it out of the corner of my eyes and i was like boardwalk burgers, more like bored burgers, cuz those burgers aren't having any fun!
Edit: This is just too much of a thinking man's joke for you cro-magnons.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:13 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Worst.
aqkj ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:12:43 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
My life.
xDumbstruck ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 21:07:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
I usually just trash myself to a sad level and people laugh.
psxpetey ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 20:00:28 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
You know why they call me freeZer? Bitch? Because...Iโm the coldest mutha fucka in the neibourhooooood
fredcourch ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 20:46:05 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I say something, trying to be funny. It doesn't always work (ok most of time), but if you do the same joke three times in a row it always works. Warning : Can come out as dumb
casidus ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:13:19 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Women's Rights
Rahnamatta ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:39:23 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Mute-Deaf people masturbate with the left hand because they mian with the right hand... (it's the best translation!
I don't even know if that makes sense, but people get a picture of a pearson using his hands for moaning, that's funny and the joke is "I should not laugh at this".
zknight137 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:16:07 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby?
I don't fuck my sandwiches before I eat them
A11U45 ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 15:41:55 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
None of these jokes are funny
Aw3som3-O_5000 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 15:24:06 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
Women's Rights.
FUCKING_PUSSIES ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 22:36:07 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
A: you fucking twat.
B: tits?
A: TWAT!
B: TITS?
A: TWWWAAAAT!!!!
B: TITS?!!
A: shoots himself dead in the asshole
B: ....TITTIEEES! :3
k-bye-lol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:42:12 on April 12, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
wtf did I just read
[deleted] ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 21:00:38 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
"Why are we friends? Because I need a bitch-ass person to walk next to me. 10-30 second break. Just kidding."
You'll get awkward laughter, but it still counts as loughter.
DeviantDubstep ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:24:24 on April 11, 2018 ยท (Permalink)
thats not funny lol